E. Antipholis.
Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us;
My wife is shrewish, when I keep not hours;
Say, that I linger'd with you at your shop
To see the making of her carkanet;
And that to morrow you will bring it home.
But here's a villain, that would face me down
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him;
And charg'd him with a thousand marks in gold;
And that I did deny my wife and house:
Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

E. Dro.
Say, what you will, Sir; but I know what I know;
That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show;
If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own hand-writing would tell you what I think.

E. Ant.
I think, thou art an ass.

E. Dro.
Marry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer, and the blows I bear;
I should kick, being kickt; and, being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.

E. Ant.
Y'are sad, Signior Balthazar. Pray God, our cheer
May answer my good will, and your good welcome here.

Bal.

I hold your dainties cheap, Sir, and your welcome dear.

E. Ant.
Ah, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
A table-full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.

Bal.
Good meat, Sir, is common; that every churl affords.

E. Ant.
And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.

Bal.
Small cheer, and great welcome, makes a merry feast.

E. Ant.
Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest:
But tho' my cates be mean, take them in good part;
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
But, soft; my door is lockt; go bid them let us in.

E. Dro.
Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!

S. Dro. [within]
Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch:
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such store,
When one is one too many? go, get thee from the door.

E. Dro.
What patch is made our porter? my master stays in the street.

S. Dro.
Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on's feet.

E. Ant.
Who talks within there? hoa, open the door.

S. Dro.
Right, Sir, I'll tell you when, an you'll tell me wherefore.

E. Ant.
Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not din'd to day.

S. Dro.
Nor to day here you must not: come again, when you may.

E. Ant.
What art thou, that keep'st me out from the house I owe?

S. Dro.
The porter for this time, Sir, and my name is Dromio.

E. Dro.
O villian, thou hast stoll'n both mine office and my name:
The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
If thou had'st been Dromio to day in my place,
Thou would'st have chang'd thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass.

Luce. [within.]
What a coile is there, Dromio? who are those at the gate?

E. Dro.
Let my master in, Luce.

Luce.
Faith, no; he comes too late;
And so tell your master.

E. Dro.
O lord, I must laugh;
Have at you with a Proverb.—Shall I set in my staff?

Luce.
Have at you with another; that's when, can you tell?

S. Dro.
If thy name be call'd Luce, Luce, thou hast answer'd him well.

E. Ant.
Do you hear, you minion, you'll let us in, I trow?

Luce.
I thought to have askt you.

S. Dro.
And you said, no.

E. Dro.
So, come, help, well struck; there was blow for blow.

E. Ant.
Thou baggage, let me in.

Luce.
Can you tell for whose sake?

E. Dro.
Master, knock the door hard.

Luce.
Let him knock, 'till it ake.

E. Ant.
You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

Luce.
What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

Adr. [within]
Who is that at the door, that keeps all this noise?

S. Dro.
By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.

E. Ant.
Are you there, wife? you might have come before.

Adr.
Your wife, Sir knave! go, get you from the door.

E. Dro.
If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.

Ang.
Here is neither cheer, Sir, nor welcome; we would fain have either.

Bal.
In debating which was best, ^{1 note}we shall have part with neither.

E. Dro.
They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.

E. Ant.
There's something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

E. Dro.
You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
Your cake here is warm within: you stand here in the cold:
It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold.

E. Ant.
Go fetch me something, I'll break ope the gate.

S. Dro.
Break any thing here, and I'll break your knave's pate.

E. Dro.
A man may break a word with you, Sir, and words are but wind;
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

S. Dro.
It seems, thou wantest breaking; out upon thee, hind!

E. Dro.
Here's too much, out upon thee! I pray thee, let me in.

S. Dro.
Ay, when fowls have no feathers, and fish have no fin.

E. Ant.
Well, I'll break in; go borrow me a crow.

E. Dro.
A crow without feather, master, mean you so?

For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather:
If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.

E. Ant.
Go, get thee gone, fetch me an iron crow.

Bal.
Have patience, Sir: oh, let it not be so.
Herein you war against your reputation,
And draw within the compass of suspect
Th' unviolated honour of your wife.
Once, this;—your long experience of her wisdom,
Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;
And doubt not, Sir, but she will well excuse,
Why at this time the doors are barr'd against you.
Be rul'd by me, depart in patience,
And let us to the Tyger all to dinner;
And about evening come your self alone,
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in,
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made of it;
And that supposed by the common rout,
Against your yet ungalled estimation,
That may with foul intrusion enter in,
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead:
For slander lives upon succession;
For ever hous'd, where it once gets possession.

E. Ant.
You have prevail'd; I will depart in quiet,
^{2 note}And, in despight of mirth, mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,
Pretty and witty, wild, and, yet too, gentle;

There will we dine: this woman that I mean,
My wife (but, I protest, without desert,)
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;
To her will we to dinner. Get you home,
And fetch the chain; by this, I know, 'tis made;
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porcupine;
For there's the house: that chain will I bestow,
(Be it for nothing but to spight my wife,)
Upon mine hostess there. Good Sir, make haste:
Since my own doors refuse to entertain me,
I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.

Ang.
I'll meet you at that place, some hour, Sir, hence.

E. Ant.
Do so; this jest shall cost me some expence. [Exeunt.

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