[figure description] Page 082.[end figure description]

IT is abundantly evident from the history of the
human mind, that the more extravagant any opinion is,
it is the more likely to prevail in some times and places.
This will have been found to be the fact in many theories
of philosophy, or systems of religion. Were there two
such presented to me upon any subject which comes
within the province of imagination; the one rational and
moderate, the other absurd; and I was to take which I
chose with a view to the speediest propagation, and the
greatest number of adherents, I would take the absurd;
for what merit is there in admitting what nobody, without
an effort, could dispute; and independent of this,
there is a secret power in the unknown, and incredible,
to arrest the fancy, and subdue the judgment. The outrageous,
when first presented, shocks, and then domineers
over the understanding. I would just as soon undertake
to persuade the bulk of mankind, that they saw a bull
in the firmament, as that two and two make four. At
all events, when I had once got such a thing into their
heads, as a buffalo grazing on a cloud, I would defy years
to get it out again.

Hence it is not to be wondered at, if the idea of the improvable
nature of beasts having got into the hands of
the people, all reasoning with them was at an end. The
visionary man had made proselytes to such an extent,
that the people insisted on an experiment, by raising
some of the brute creatures at least to executive offices.
The clerkship of one of the courts being vacant, great
interest was made by the owner of a monkey, to have
him appointed. The governor was harrassed by the application,
which was at the same time so respectably supported,
that he could not possibly avoid the nomination.
Not that even yet he had the smallest confidence in his
capacity of discharging the duty; but that he might save
himself from the importunity of the friends of the experiment.
Accordingly, the monkey was appointed, and
his commission made out in form. He had

[figure description] Page 083.[end figure description]

remonstrated against the solicitation, representing his persuasion
of the incompetency of the animal; but it was so firmly
impressed upon the public mind, that the thing deserved
a trial, that he was obliged to yield. For they insisted that
whatever might be the incapacity of the animal, the commission
would supply the defect. Indeed they argued
very plausibly upon this; and it seemed not to be without
foundation that they urged, that it was every day before
their eyes, that persons were appointed to office who
were not qualified; and what was more, never could become
qualified; and yet the world did not stand still;
nor did even the order of society, and the affairs of men
seem deranged. It is incredible what a little matter will
go to support one in the discharge of an office. Hence
it is not so absurd what the buffoon said, “let the king
give me a commission, and I will see who will say I am
not fit for it.” However, in the present instance, it was
carrying the jest, or as it ought to be said, the experiment
too far. The monkey did not make out even to
save appearances for a short time; whether owing to the
mismanagement of those who had the command of him,
or to his own incurable restlessness, and locomotive faculty.
For being brought in, and placed upon the table,
with the implements of writing before him, and the
docket to make entries; the first thing that struck him,
was the basket of a fruiterer at some distance; and it
was not a second of time before he had leaped upon it,
and had a pippin in his paw. Being brought back, and
put to his desk again, and desired to make a minute, he
deliberately got up and made water on the table, the inkstand
being in the way. This was encouraging to the
sanguine; for it was thought he wished to have the
ink made thinner, as being about to write. But no appearance
of this, when the next bound was upon the
bench, and the judge's wig hauled off his head, and pulled
under the table. This was ruled a contempt of court,
and pug was ordered into custody. It was with some
difficulty that this was accomplished; the constable and
sheriff exerting themselves to take him, but his leaps
were so nimble, that it was not until after a considerable
time, with the assistance of the whole bar, and the suitors
of the court, that they could lay their hands upon
him. In fact, it was not until some of them had laid
their sticks upon him, and knocked him down, that they

[figure description] Page 084.[end figure description]

were able to entangle him in such a manner as to overcome
his cantrips, and get him in a bag, as you would a
cat, in order to convey him to prison.

Who could have thought that such a practical experiment
would not have reduced the falsity of the hypothesis
of the improvability of beasts to the extent alleged
by some, to an evident demonstration. And yet so
ingenious is the pride of the mind, to support the error
which it has once patronized, that some did not even yet
submit to reason and common sense. They averred, a
want of candour in the court and bar to have the experiment
fairly made, alleging the craft of the profession;
that pug could not have had fair play in the trial; that he
must have been pinched in the tail, or in some other way,
rendered unmanageable. For, that of himself, he never
could have shown such an unwillingness to discharge
the duties of the office; more especially, as by shewing
him apples and nuts at a distance, it was a hint to him,
what he might expect in the way of fees, provided that
his capacity, and his diligence, was found to equal the
hopes his friends had entertained of him.

But, whether the experiment in making a monkey a
prothonotary, was baffled by the utter incapacity of the
animal himself, or by the intrigue of the profession, and
the court frowning on it, the practicability of making
more out of the brute creation, than had ever yet been
done, was not wholly given up. It was determined to
make an experiment of what might be done, in bringing
forward some of them into the profession itself; and
with a view to this, choice was made of the more noisy
of the dumb creatures, a dog For though this beast
comes under the denomination of dumb, yet it is no uncommon
thing to compare a lawyer to him, or him to a
lawyer; and though we say a dumb dog, yet I have heard
a lawyer called an impudent dog; and there are many
who are said to bark, rather than to argue a cause like a
rational creature.

The court were a good deal opposed to the admitting
a hound to the bar. But the people, out of doors, and
those of the circumstantibus, or bystanders, would insist
upon it. The court said, they would not be understood
to entertain a doubt of the capacity, in such advocates,
at least so far as respected the making motions; but they
were apprehensive of disorderly behaviour; not so much
as to side bar conversation, and sitting on their

[figure description] Page 085.[end figure description]

backsides, and looking up to bark, as to their movements to
and fro, and leaping upon the bench; in which case it
would not be much less difficult to keep them to their
places, than it had been in the case of the monkey, whom
they had all seen could not be kept to order. As to the
keeping to the point in their discourses, of that there was
not so much matter; for it was not always easy to see
what was the point that was made, and to which it became
necessary to stick. Was there no danger, that instead
of confining themselves to a wrangle, they would
actually wage war, and interchange bites in the course
of their altercations? Wager of battle did not exist as
a mode of trial; and therefore fighting like dogs was not
known in judicial proceedings; though the quarrels of
counsel did sometimes approach a little towards it.

On all these considerations, the court would have been
willing to have confined the construction of the constitutution,
that “a man shall be heard by himself or his
counsel,” to the being heard by himself, or some animal
of his own species. Nor was there any great reason to
believe, that, though in many instances we see the more
incompetent of a bar at the head of the business; yet
in general, people will find out those who can serve
them best; and it was not probable, that if the real, natural,
and actual tykes were admitted to plead, any one
would be so weak as to employ them in a cause; it is
true, they had known many an ignorant impudent puppy
at the bar; and some good natured of the dog tribe, so
called by way of figure and resemblance, even make fortunes.
But this was by way of figure; and they had never
yet known one so perfect a beast, as to want the shape
of a man, to make his way, or even to attempt practice.
And if no suitor did employ such a one, when admitted,
where would be his business; unless in the case of a
pauper unable to defend himself, where the court might
appoint counsel; which would not be decorous in them
to do, even in the case of a misdemeanor, unless they
had greater reason to expect something like a defence
for the unfortunate accused, than from such unexpereinced
persons. It is true, that such appointment by the
court, as in the case of a horse-thief, that every body
believed guilty, even before he was tried, might pass
without censure; but if an honest pauper was convicted,
being falsely accused, and this owing to the blunder of

[figure description] Page 086.[end figure description]

an advocate appointed by the court, the reflection would
fall upon them; for these reasons they would be shy in
taking such nomination upon them; and would be disposed
to leave the dog, whether what is called a feiste,
or a mastiff, to his own exertions to get himself employed
as he could; and if it came to them to assign counsel
at any time, they would select, if the younger, yet at
least some of the bar more likely to do justice.

It was to no purpose that these matters were urged.—
For however weighty the reasons, they were of no avail
against the current of public opinion; whether it was
that there was some, as there was reason to suspect,
wished the lawyers burlesqued, and the profession made
a subject of ridicule; or that the greater part were really
credulous, which is more probable, to the representation
of the philosopher.

Hence it was, that on the day appointed for the experiment,
a great number attending, some of the most respectable
of the community; two of the canine species
were brought in, and placed opposite each other, as adversaries
in a cause. They were said to be dogs of a
good bark, and had been pitted against each other several
times before the bringing them to court, and had worried
each other pretty comfortably, on more occasions than
one. Hence there could be no doubt, but that they would
take different sides of the question, and snarl, and grin,
and growl abundantly; the only difficulty would be the
keeping them apart, until the testimony in a cause had
been introduced, and they were directed by the court to
proceed.

This difficulty, as was foreseen, did actually occur;
for no sooner were the beagles uncoupled, than they actually
flew at each other, and had one another by the
throat. It was in vain that the judge called out order,
gentlemen order; I shall be under the necessity of committing
you for this irregularity of proceeding; your
behaviour is unbecoming the profession. The dogs continued
their contest, till one knocked under, and howled
most piteously. The humanity of the spectators, some
of whom were suitors, and some not, at length interposed,
and wished them to be separated, but not an individual
of the bar gave themselves the least concern on the
occasion; but on the contrary, seemed diverted with it as
a farce, and laughed immoderately; which gave great

[figure description] Page 087.[end figure description]

offence to the people, and much reason to suspect, as in
the case of the monkey, there had not been fair play in
the experiment. Who could tell what spurs, or sharp
weapons there might have been under the table to prick and
goad these simple and unsuspecting creatures to battle? If
Jowler and Cesar had actually succeeded in maintaining a
standing at the bar, it might materially have affected the
employing human bull-dogs, to manage a controversy.—
And could it be supposed, that having this interest at
stake, the profession would have made no exertion, secret
or reserved, to counteract the introduction of quadrupeds.
Upon these grounds, the persuasion of the capacity
of beasts to advocate the most difficult question of
law, or fact, was strengthened, rather than reduced, by
the experiment made; or if some did query whether
all at once, they might be competent to give the best advice,
as chamber counsel in a matter of difficulty respecting
the legal tenure of estates; yet no one hesitated to
pronounce his conviction that they were capable of being
good advocates, in a criminal case of assault and battery
at least; or where noise and racket went a great way to
constitute a good pleader.

The public opinion out of doors, was formed a good
deal upon the noise they had heard. It was thought to
resemble that of lawyers in their sparring. If some surmise
did get out, that in nothing but yelping did they
resemble, it was attributed to their not being of the genuine
breed, that was fit for the bar; that experiment
ought to be made from the Norwegian lap dog, to the
little Indian dog of the South sea, until they came to one
that had the right genuine snarl. But all idea of incapacity
was hooted at by others, who had taken up a more
favourable impression, having been in the way of hearing
that one of them made a speech of an hour in length;
and that, had he not been stopped by the court, he would
have spoken two hours. What did he say? said a man
somewhat incredulous. I never can tell very well, said
the other, what the lawyers say. It is all the same sort
of jargon to me, consisting of law terms; but this I
know, if I had a cause to try, I would leave it as soon to
the dog that I heard bark, as to most lawyers that I have
seen plead at a bar. Owing to these averments, and promulgation
of rumours, all tending to make dog pleading
popular, it was not longer than the next week, that there

[figure description] Page 088.[end figure description]

were several people who had come into town, enquiring
where the dog lawyers had their offices. The real lawyers
were so enraged that they knocked them on the head,
though of the profession; but clandestinely; for they
were not without apprehension of the resentment of the
suitors, if the dogacide should come to light. The law
might take hold of them also, if they could be considered
as coming under the description of reasonable creatures
in the peace of the commonwealth.

But there was no need of this precaution, and secrecy;
for the whole circumstance relating to the dogs, and
their appearance in court, or the manner in which they
acquitted themselves in the trial of a cause, was lost
and forgotton in the introduction of a wolf and fox the
third day of the court; the wolf muzzled, having been
taken in a trap. But to avoid all insinuation, or popular
obloquy, of not giving them a fair chance, by admonishing
them before they began, of the duty of counsel, the
rules of the court were read to them, and it was stated
what abuses in the conduct of attornies, had been observed,
and which it behooved them to avoid; such as scratching
their noses, puffing their breath, turning and twisting
in their seats, or sitting on their arses, and talking to
the bench; holding side-bar conversations, and looking
and yelping to the juries, or grinning when they thought
they had said a great thing smart. Growling and grumbling
when the point was given against them, they ought
not to take it for granted, that they were the only persons
who had a knowledge of the law or practice; and
that their opinion of a law case, or the application, was
not infallible.

Gentlemen, said the chief justice, you are entering on
a profession that, independent of legal knowledge, for
that, we take it for granted, you have a competent share
of, requires in a practitioner the utmost delicacy of behaviour,
both to the bar and to the bench, as the surest
means of your success. For it is a mistake to suppose,
that impudence is the principal qualification here. It
may go some length in the opinion of bystanders, to give
them the impression of boldness; but it goes no length
with the court. It is, on the contrary, a great drawback.
Diligent preparation in your offices, and modest demeanour
at the bar, is the most likely way to secure confidence,
and to conciliate attention, and to have what is

[figure description] Page 089.[end figure description]

called the ear of the court. For when a person merely
barks, the moment he begins, nothing but a bark being
expected, the judge lets his mind go to pasture, if I may
be allowed a figure, that is, indulges himself in absence
of mind, until the harangue wears near a close. There
is what is called having the ear of the court: for should
you howl ever so loud, or bark, unless there is a previous
respect founded in the expectation of what you are about
to say, there will be little attention in reality, whatever
there may seem to be.

Opinion had been expressed in the mean time, on the
talents of the respective advocates, according as any one
had augured favourably, or the reverse of one or the
other. It was expected the fox would shew the most
address in the management of a cause. But that the
wolf would be most likely to carry his point by browbeating
his adversary, and the court.

Gentlemen, said the court, fox and wolf, or wolf and
fox, whichever of you it is that begins first, and that will
depend upon your being for the plantiff or defendant—
you will please to proceed.

The wolf being unmuzzled, and the fox let slip, the
one ran under the bench, and the other leaped out at the
window: the wolf it was that leaped out of the window,
the dogs after him, which gave occasion to leave this
matter of professional capacity still undetermined; the
pursuit of the dogs giving occasion to the old surmise
of the lawyers having set them upon them to get rid of
a formidable rival. In the hurry scurry, there was little
said about the fox, and he was supposed to have made
his escape.

The reprimand that the chief justice gave to the squirrels
and the pigs for their behaviour in court, was perhaps
the most pointed of that given to any of the beasts;
to the squirrels for cracking nuts, and chirping like cockroaches,
while the charge was delivering, and conversing
in corners with each other. To the pigs, for munching
apples; because it was not only a trespass against
decorum, but an interruption to the argument of counsel,
which could not be so well heard. Mouthing on the
stage is spoken of as far from being agreeable. But
such mouthing produces but a slight tumefaction of the
oral orifice, and gives a rounding to the voice,

“Ore rotundo.”

[figure description] Page 090.[end figure description]

But the mouthing the pippin, or the peach, distends the
jaws occasionally to an immeasurable width; and if one
half the hemisphere is attempted to be embraced like a
snake swallowing a hare, the eyes have an appearance of
starting from their sockets, which communicates pain to
the beholder, because it impresses the idea that the actor
is in pain.