BOOK II.
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THERE was, in a certain great city,
a &longs;ociety who called them&longs;elves Philosophers.
They had publi&longs;hed books,
they called Tran&longs;actions. The&longs;e contained
di&longs;&longs;ertations on the nature and cau&longs;es
of things; from the &longs;tars of the heaven to
the fire-flies of the earth; and from the
&longs;ea-crab to the woodland buffaloe. Such
di&longs;qui&longs;itions, are doubtle&longs;s u&longs;eful and entertaining
to an inqui&longs;itive mind.
There is no que&longs;tion, but there were in
this body &longs;ome very great men; who&longs;e
inve&longs;tigations of the arcana of nature, deserve
attention. But &longs;o it was, there had
been introduced, by &longs;ome means, many
individuals, who were no philo&longs;ophers at
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all. This is no unu&longs;ual thing with institutions
of this nature; though, by the
bye, it is a very great fault. For it lessens
the incentives of honour, to have the
acce&longs;s made &longs;o ea&longs;y, that every one may
obtain admi&longs;&longs;ion. It has been a reproach
to &longs;ome colleges, that a diploma could be
purcha&longs;ed for half a crown. This &longs;ociety
were &longs;till more moderate; for the bare
&longs;cratching the back&longs;ide of a member has
been known to procure a fellow&longs;hip. At
lea&longs;t, there have been tho&longs;e admitted who
appeared capable of nothing el&longs;e.
Neverthele&longs;s, it was nece&longs;&longs;ary, even in
the&longs;e ca&longs;es, for the candidates to procure
&longs;ome token of a philo&longs;ophical turn of mind;
&longs;uch as the &longs;kin of a dead cat, or &longs;ome
odd kind of a mou&longs;e-trap, or the like; or
have &longs;ome phra&longs;es in their mouths, about
minerals and petrifactions; &longs;o as ju&longs;t to
&longs;upport &longs;ome idea of natural knowledge,
and pa&longs;s mu&longs;ter. There was one who had
got in by finding, accidentally, the tail
of a rabbit, which had been taken off in
a boy's trap. Another by means of a
&longs;quirrel's &longs;calp, which he had taken care
to &longs;tretch and dry on a bit of o&longs;ier, bended
in the form of a hoop. The beard of
an old fox, taken off and dried in the &longs;un,
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was the means of introducing one whom
I knew very well: Or rather, as I have
already hinted, it was beforehand intended
he &longs;hould be introduced; and the&longs;e
exuviæ, or &longs;poils of the animal kingdom,
were but the tokens and apologies for admission.
It happened, as the Captain was riding
this day, and Teague trotting after him, he
&longs;aw a large owl, that had been &longs;hot by &longs;ome
body, and was placed in the crotch of a tree,
about the height of a man's head from the
ground, for tho&longs;e that pa&longs;&longs;ed by to look
at. The Captain being &longs;truck with it, as
&longs;omewhat larger than &longs;uch birds u&longs;ually
are, de&longs;ired Teague to reach it to him;
and tying it to the hinder part of his saddle,
rode along.
Pa&longs;&longs;ing by the hou&longs;e of one who belonged
to the &longs;ociety, the bird was noticed at
the &longs;addle-&longs;kirts, and the philo&longs;opher coming
out, made enquiry of the genus and
nature of the fowl. Said the Captain, I
know nothing more about it, than that it
is nearly as long as a turkey buzzard. It
is doubtle&longs;s, &longs;aid the other, the great Canada
owl, that comes from the Lakes; and
if your honour will give me leave, I will
take it and &longs;ubmit it to the &longs;ociety, and
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have your&longs;elf made a member. As to the
fir&longs;t, the Captain con&longs;ented; but as to the
la&longs;t, the being a member, he cho&longs;e rather
to decline it; conceiving him&longs;elf unqualified
for a place in &longs;uch a body. The other
a&longs;&longs;ured him that he was under a very great
mi&longs;take; for there were per&longs;ons there who
&longs;carcely knew a B from a bull's foot. That
may be, &longs;aid the Captain; but if others
chu&longs;e to degrade them&longs;elves, by &longs;uffering
their names to be u&longs;ed in &longs;o prepo&longs;terous
a way as that, it was no rea&longs;on he &longs;hould.
The other gave him to under&longs;tand, that
the &longs;ociety would certainly wi&longs;h to expre&longs;s
their &longs;en&longs;e of his merit, and &longs;hew themselves
not inattentive to a virtuo&longs;o; that
as he declined the honour him&longs;elf, he probably
might not be aver&longs;e to let his servant
take a &longs;eat among them.
Said the Captain, He is but a &longs;imple
Iri&longs;hman, and of a low education; his
language being that &longs;poken by the aborigines
of his country. And if he &longs;peaks
a little Engli&longs;h, it is with the brogue on
his tongue; which would be unbecoming
in a member of your body. It would &longs;eem
to me, that a philo&longs;opher ought to know
how to write, or at lea&longs;t to read. But
Teague can neither write nor read. He
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can &longs;ing a &longs;ong, or whi&longs;tle an Iri&longs;h tune;
but is totally illiterate in all things el&longs;e.
I que&longs;tion much if he could tell you how
many new moons there are in the year;
or any the mo&longs;t common thing that you
could a&longs;k him. He is a long-legged fellow,
it is true; and might be of &longs;ervice in
clambering over rocks, or going to the
&longs;hores of rivers, to gather curio&longs;ities. But
could you not get per&longs;ons to do this, without
making them members? I have more
re&longs;pect for &longs;cience, than to &longs;uffer this bog-trotter
to be &longs;o advanced at its expence.
In the&longs;e American &longs;tates, there is a wide
field for philo&longs;ophic &longs;earch; and the&longs;e researches
may be of great u&longs;e in agriculture,
mechanics, and a&longs;tronomy. There
is but little immediate profit attending
the&longs;e pur&longs;uits; but if there can be inducements
of honour, the&longs;e may &longs;upply the
place. What more alluring to a young
man, than the pro&longs;pect of being, one day,
received into a &longs;ociety of men truly learned;
the admi&longs;&longs;ion being a te&longs;t and a proof
of di&longs;tingui&longs;hed knowledge. But the fountain
of honour, thus contaminated by a
&longs;ediment foreign from its nature, who
would wi&longs;h to drink of it?
Said the philo&longs;opher, At the fir&longs;t
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institution of the &longs;ociety by Dr. Franklin and
others, it was put upon a narrow ba&longs;is,
and only men of &longs;cience were con&longs;idered
proper to compo&longs;e it; and this might be a
nece&longs;&longs;ary policy at that time, when the institution
was in its infancy, and could not
bear much draw-back of ignorance. But
it has not been judged &longs;o nece&longs;&longs;ary of late
years. The matter &longs;tands now on a broad
and catholic bottom; and, like the go&longs;pel
it&longs;elf, it is our orders to go out into the
high-ways and hedges, and compel them
to come in. There are hundreds, who&longs;e
names you may &longs;ee on our li&longs;t, who are
not more in&longs;tructed than this lad of yours.
They mu&longs;t be a &longs;ad &longs;et indeed then, &longs;aid
the Captain. Sad or no &longs;ad, &longs;aid the other,
it is the ca&longs;e; and if you will let Teague
go, I will engage him a member&longs;hip.
I take it very ill of you, Mr. Philosopher,
&longs;aid the Captain, to put this non&longs;en&longs;e
in his head. If you knew what trouble I
have lately had with a parcel of people
that were for &longs;ending him to Congre&longs;s, you
would be unwilling to draw him from me
for the purpo&longs;e of making him a philosopher.
It is not an ea&longs;y matter to get hirelings
now-a-days; and when you do get
one, it is a mere chance, whether he is
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faithful, and will &longs;uit your purpo&longs;e. It
would be a very great lo&longs;s to me, to have
him taken off at this time, when I have
equipped my&longs;elf for a journey.
Teague was a good deal incen&longs;ed at this
refu&longs;al of his ma&longs;ter, and in&longs;i&longs;ted that he
would be a philo&longs;opher. You are an ignoramus,
&longs;aid the Captain. It is not the
being among philo&longs;ophers will make you
one.
Teague in&longs;i&longs;ted that he had a right to
make the be&longs;t of his fortune: and as there
was a door open to his advancement, he
did not &longs;ee why he might not make u&longs;e
of it.
The Captain finding that it an&longs;wered no
end to di&longs;pute the matter with him, by
words of &longs;en&longs;e and rea&longs;on, took a contrary
way to manage him.
Teague, &longs;aid he, I have a regard for
you, and would wi&longs;h to &longs;ee you do well.
But before you take this &longs;tep, I would
wi&longs;h to &longs;peak a word or two in private. If
you will go, I may perhaps &longs;ugge&longs;t &longs;ome
things that may be of &longs;ervice to you, for
your future conduct in that body.
Teague con&longs;enting, they &longs;tepped a&longs;ide;
and the Captain addre&longs;&longs;ed him in the following
manner:
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Teague, &longs;aid he, do you know what you
are about? It is a fine thing, at fir&longs;t &longs;ight,
to be a philo&longs;opher, and get into this body.
And indeed, if you are a real philosopher,
it might be &longs;ome honour, and al&longs;o
&longs;afe, to take that leap. But do you think
it is to make a philo&longs;opher of you that
they want you? Far from it. It is their
great &longs;tudy to find curio&longs;ities; and because
this man &longs;aw you coming after
me, with a red head, trotting like an Esquimaux
Indian, it has &longs;truck his mind
to pick you up, and pa&longs;s you for one.
Nay, it is po&longs;&longs;ible, they may intend wor&longs;e;
and when they have examined you awhile,
take the &longs;kin off you, and pa&longs;s you for an
over-grown otter, or a mu&longs;k-rat; or &longs;ome
outlandi&longs;h animal, for which they will,
them&longs;elves, invent a name. If you were
at the mu&longs;eum of one of the&longs;e &longs;ocieties, to
ob&longs;erve the quantity of &longs;kins and &longs;keletons
they have, you might be well a&longs;&longs;ured they
did not come by them hone&longs;tly. I know &longs;o
much of the&longs;e people, that I am well persuaded
they would think no more of
throwing you into a kettle of boiling water,
than they would a tarapin; and having
&longs;craped you out to a &longs;hell, pre&longs;ent you
as the relics of an animal they had procured,
at an immen&longs;e price, from &longs;ome
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Guinea merchant. Or if they &longs;hould not
at once turn you to this u&longs;e, how, in the
mean time, will they di&longs;po&longs;e of you?
They will have you away through the
bogs and mar&longs;hes, catching flies and miresnipes;
or &longs;end you to the woods for a polecat;
or oblige you to de&longs;cend into drawwells
for fog, and phlogi&longs;tic air, and the
Lord knows what. You mu&longs;t go into
wolves dens, and catch bears by the tail;
run over mountains like an opo&longs;&longs;um, and
dig the earth like a ground hog. You
will have to climb upon trees, and get
your&longs;elf bit by flying &longs;quirrels. There will
be no end to the mu&longs;ketoes you will have
to di&longs;&longs;ect. What is all this to diving into
mill-dams and rivers, to get craw-fi&longs;h. Or
if you go to the ocean, there are alligators
to devour you like a cat-fi&longs;h. Who
knows but it may come your turn, in a
windy night, to go aloft to the heavens,
to rub down the &longs;tars, and give the goats
and rams, that are there, fodder. The
keeping the &longs;tars clean, is a laborious
work; a great deal wor&longs;e than &longs;couring
andirons, or bra&longs;s kettles. There is a
bull there would think no more of to&longs;&longs;ing
you on his horns than he would a puppy
dog. If the crab &longs;hould get you in his
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claws he would &longs;queeze you like a lob&longs;ter.
But what is all that to your having no
place to &longs;tand on? How would you like
to be up at the moon, and to fall down
when you had mi&longs;&longs;ed your hold, like a
boy from the top-ma&longs;t of a &longs;hip, and have
your brains beat out upon the top of &longs;ome
great mountain; where the devil might
take your &longs;keleton and give it to the turkey-buzzards?
Or if they &longs;hould, in the mean time,
excu&longs;e from &longs;uch out of door &longs;ervices, they
will rack and torture you with hard questions.
You mu&longs;t tell them how long the
rays of light are coming from the &longs;un;
how many drops of rain fall in a thunder
gu&longs;t; what makes the gra&longs;shopper chirp
when the &longs;un is hot; how mu&longs;cle &longs;hells
get up to the top of the mountains; how
the Indians got over to America. You
will have to prove ab&longs;olutely that the negroes
were once white; and that their
flat no&longs;es came by &longs;ome cau&longs;e in the compass
of human means to produce. The&longs;e
are puzzling que&longs;tions; and yet you mu&longs;t
&longs;olve them all. Take my advice, and &longs;tay
where you are. Many men have ruined
them&longs;elves by their ambition, and made
bad wor&longs;e. There is another kind of
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philo&longs;ophy, which lies more within your
&longs;phere; that is moral philo&longs;ophy. Every
ho&longs;tler or hireling can &longs;tudy this, and
you have the mo&longs;t excellent opportunity
of acquiring this knowledge in our traverses
through the country; or communications
at the different taverns or villages,
where we may happen to &longs;ojourn.
Teague had long ago given up all
thoughts of philo&longs;ophy, and would not
for the world have any more to do with
it; and therefore, without bidding the
philo&longs;opher adieu, they pur&longs;ued their route
as u&longs;ual.
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THE in&longs;titution of the American Philosophical
Society, does great honour
to the founders; and what has been published
by that body, comes not behind what
has appeared from &longs;ocieties of the &longs;ame
nature el&longs;ewhere. But of late years, it
has cea&longs;ed to be pre&longs;umptive evidence,
at lea&longs;t what the lawyers call violent presumption,
of philo&longs;ophical attainments, to
be a member; owing to the &longs;purious brood
of illiterate per&longs;ons that have been admitted
indi&longs;criminately with the informed; this
again, owing to a political di&longs;pute in the
government where this &longs;ociety exi&longs;ts. For
when there are parties in a commonwealth,
they naturally &longs;ubdivide them&longs;elves, and
are found even in the retreats of the mu&longs;es.
It has become the que&longs;tion with this society,
not whether a man is a philo&longs;opher or
not, but what part he had taken in &longs;ome
que&longs;tion on the carpet. The body
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conceived it&longs;elf to pay a compliment to the per&longs;on
admitted, as if it could be any honour to
a man to be announced what he is not. The
contrary is the ca&longs;e here. For as honour
is the acknowledgement which the world
makes of a man's re&longs;pectability, there can
be no honour here; for it has become a
mere matter of moon-&longs;hine to be a member.
To be or not be, that is the que&longs;tion;
but &longs;o trifling, that it is &longs;carcely ever made.
The way to remedy this, would be to have
an over hauling of the hou&longs;e, and derange
at lea&longs;t three parts in four. As in the ca&longs;e
of Tarquin, and the three remaining books
of the Sybiles, you would receive as much
for the fourth part of that body, &longs;hould
you &longs;et them up at market, as for the
whole at pre&longs;ent.
I have often reflected with my&longs;elf, what
an honour it mu&longs;t be, to be one of the society
of the French academy; forty, of
twenty-four millions of people, are there
&longs;elected in con&longs;equence of literary characters
already e&longs;tabli&longs;hed.
I recollect the time when I had high ideas
of philo&longs;ophical member&longs;hip in America.
But it does not appear to me now to
be the highe&longs;t thing that a man could wi&longs;h,
&longs;ince even a common Teague Oregan,
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trotting on the high way, has been &longs;olicited
to take a &longs;eat. It may be &longs;aid, that this is
an exaggeration of the facts; and can be
con&longs;idered only as burle&longs;que. I profe&longs;s it
is not intended as &longs;uch, but as a fair picture
of what has taken place. Should it
be con&longs;idered in the light of burle&longs;que, it
mu&longs;t be a very lame one; becau&longs;e where
there is no exce&longs;s there can be no caricatura.
But omitting all apologies and explanations,
let the matter re&longs;t where it is.
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Brackenridge, H. H. (Hugh Henry), 1748-1816 [1793], Modern chivalry: containing the adventures of Captain John Farrago, and Teague O'Regan, his servant. Part I. Volumes 1-3 (John M'Culloch, Philadelphia) [word count] [eaf800].
