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Melville, Herman, 1819-1891 [1857], The confidence-man: his masquerade. (Dix, Edwards & Co., New York) [word count] [eaf640T].
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CHAPTER XVIII. INQUEST INTO THE TRUE CHARACTER OF THE HERB-DOCTOR.

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Sha'n't see that fellow again in a hurry,” remarked
an auburn-haired gentleman, to his neighbor with a hook-nose.
“Never knew an operator so completely unmasked.”

“But do you think it the fair thing to unmask an
operator that way?”

“Fair? It is right.”

“Supposing that at high 'change on the Paris Bourse,
Asmodeus should lounge in, distributing hand-bills, revealing
the true thoughts and designs of all the operators
present—would that be the fair thing in Asmodeus?
Or, as Hamlet says, were it `to consider the thing too
curiously?'”

“We won't go into that. But since you admit the
fellow to be a knave—”

“I don't admit it. Or, if I did, I take it back.
Shouldn't wonder if, after all, he is no knave at all, or,
but little of one. What can you prove against him?”

“I can prove that he makes dupes.”

“Many held in honor do the same; and many, not
wholly knaves, do it too.”

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“How about that last?”

“He is not wholly at heart a knave, I fancy, among
whose dupes is himself. Did you not see our quack
friend apply to himself his own quackery? A fanatic
quack; essentially a fool, though effectively a
knave.”

Bending over, and looking down between his knees
on the floor, the auburn-haired gentleman meditatively
scribbled there awhile with his cane, then, glancing up,
said:

“I can't conceive how you, in any way, can hold
him a fool. How he talked—so glib, so pat, so
well.”

“A smart fool always talks well: takes a smart fool
to be tonguey.”

In much the same strain the discussion continued—
the hook-nosed gentleman talking at large and excellently,
with a view of demonstrating that a smart fool
always talks just so. Ere long he talked to such purpose
as almost to convince.

Presently, back came the person of whom the auburn-haired
gentleman had predicted that he would not
return. Conspicuous in the door-way he stood, saying,
in a clear voice, “Is the agent of the Seminole Widow
and Orphan Asylum within here?”

No one replied.

“Is there within here any agent or any member of
any charitable institution whatever?”

No one seemed competent to answer, or, no one
thought it worth while to.

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“If there be within here any such person, I have in
my hand two dollars for him.”

Some interest was manifested.

“I was called away so hurriedly, I forgot this part of
my duty. With the proprietor of the Samaritan Pain
Dissuader it is a rule, to devote, on the spot, to some
benevolent purpose, the half of the proceeds of sales.
Eight bottles were disposed of among this company.
Hence, four half-dollars remain to charity. Who, as
steward, takes the money?”

One or two pair of feet moved upon the floor, as with
a sort of itching; but nobody rose.

“Does diffidence prevail over duty? If, I say, there
be any gentleman, or any lady, either, here present, who
is in any connection with any charitable institution
whatever, let him or her come forward. He or she
happening to have at hand no certificate of such connection,
makes no difference. Not of a suspicious
temper, thank God, I shall have confidence in whoever
offers to take the money.”

A demure-looking woman, in a dress rather tawdry
and rumpled, here drew her veil well down and rose;
but, marking every eye upon her, thought it advisable,
upon the whole, to sit down again.

“Is it to be believed that, in this Christian company,
there is no one charitable person? I mean, no one connected
with any charity? Well, then, is there no object
of charity here?”

Upon this, an unhappy-looking woman, in a sort of
mourning, neat, but sadly worn, hid her face behind a

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meagre bundle, and was heard to sob. Meantime, as
not seeing or hearing her, the herb-doctor again spoke,
and this time not unpathetically:

“Are there none here who feel in need of help, and
who, in accepting such help, would feel that they, in
their time, have given or done more than may ever be
given or done to them? Man or woman, is there none
such here?”

The sobs of the woman were more audible, though
she strove to repress them. While nearly every one's
attention was bent upon her, a man of the appearance of
a day-laborer, with a white bandage across his face, concealing
the side of the nose, and who, for coolness' sake,
had been sitting in his red-flannel shirt-sleeves, his coat
thrown across one shoulder, the darned cuffs drooping
behind—this man shufflingly rose, and, with a pace that
seemed the lingering memento of the lock-step of convicts,
went up for a duly-qualified claimant.

“Poor wounded huzzar!” sighed the herb-doctor, and
dropping the money into the man's clam-shell of a hand
turned and departed.

The recipient of the alms was about moving after,
when the auburn-haired gentleman staid him: “Don't
be frightened, you; but I want to see those coins.
Yes, yes; good silver, good silver. There, take them
again, and while you are about it, go bandage the rest
of yourself behind something. D'ye hear? Consider
yourself, wholly, the scar of a nose, and be off with
yourself.”

Being of a forgiving nature, or else from emotion not

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daring to trust his voice, the man silently, but not
without some precipitancy, withdrew.

“Strange,” said the auburn-haired gentleman, returning
to his friend, “the money was good money.”

“Aye, and where your fine knavery now? Knavery
to devote the half of one's receipts to charity? He's a
fool I say again.”

“Others might call him an original genius.”

“Yes, being original in his folly. Genius? His
genius is a cracked pate, and, as this age goes, not
much originality about that.”

“May he not be knave, fool, and genius altogether?”

“I beg pardon,” here said a third person with a gossiping
expression who had been listening, “but you are
somewhat puzzled by this man, and well you may be.”

“Do you know anything about him?” asked the
hooked-nosed gentleman.

“No, but I suspect him for something.”

“Suspicion. We want knowledge.”

“Well, suspect first and know next. True knowledge
comes but by suspicion or revelation. That's my
maxim.”

“And yet,” said the auburn-haired gentleman, since
a wise man will keep even some certainties to himself,
much more some suspicions, at least he will at all events
so do till they ripen into knowledge.”

“Do you hear that about the wise man?” said the
hook-nosed gentleman, turning upon the new comer.
“Now what is it you suspect of this fellow?”

“I shrewdly suspect him,” was the eager response,

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“for one of those Jesuit emissaries prowling all over our
country. The better to accomplish their secret designs,
they assume, at times, I am told, the most singular
masques; sometimes, in appearance, the absurdest.”

This, though indeed for some reason causing a droll
smile upon the face of the hook-nosed gentleman, added
a third angle to the discussion, which now became a
sort of triangular duel, and ended, at last, with but a
triangular result.

-- --

CHAPTER XIX. A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE.

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Mexico? Molino del Rey? Resaca de la Palma?”

“Resaca de la Tombs!

Leaving his reputation to take care of itself, since, as
is not seldom the case, he knew nothing of its being in
debate, the herb-doctor, wandering to wardsthe forward
part of the boat, had there espied a singular character in a
grimy old regimental coat, a countenance at once grim
and wizened, interwoven paralyzed legs, stiff as icicles,
suspended between rude crutches, while the whole
rigid body, like a ship's long barometer on gimbals,
swung to and fro, mechanically faithful to the motion
of the boat. Looking downward while he swung, the
cripple seemed in a brown study.

As moved by the sight, and conjecturing that here
was some battered hero from the Mexican battle-fields,
the herb-doctor had sympathetically accosted him as
above, and received the above rather dubious reply. As,
with a half moody, half surly sort of air that reply was
given, the cripple, by a voluntary jerk, nervously increased
his swing (his custom when seized by emotion), so that

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one would have thought some squall had suddenly rolled
the boat and with it the barometer.

“Tombs? my friend,” exclaimed the herb-doctor in
mild surprise. “You have not descended to the dead,
have you? I had imagined you a scarred campaigner,
one of the noble children of war, for your dear country
a glorious sufferer. But you are Lazarus, it seems.”

“Yes, he who had sores.”

“Ah, the other Lazarus. But I never knew that
either of them was in the army,” glancing at the dilapidated
regimentals.

“That will do now. Jokes enough.”

“Friend,” said the other reproachfully, “you think
amiss. On principle, I greet unfortunates with some
pleasant remark, the better to call off their thoughts
from their troubles. The physician who is at once wise
and humane seldom unreservedly sympathizes with his
patient. But come, I am a herb-doctor, and also a natural
bone-setter. I may be sanguine, but I think I
can do something for you. You look up now. Give me
your story. Ere I undertake a cure, I require a full account
of the case.”

“You can't help me,” returned the cripple gruffly.
“Go away.”

“You seem sadly destitute of—”

“No I ain't destitute; to-day, at least, I can pay my
way.”

“The Natural Bone-setter is happy, indeed, to hear
that. But you were premature. I was deploring your
destitution, not of cash, but of confidence. You think

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the Natural Bone-setter can't help you. Well, suppose
he can't, have you any objection to telling him your
story. You, my friend, have, in a signal way, experienced
adversity. Tell me, then, for my private good,
how, without aid from the noble cripple, Epictetus, you
have arrived at his heroic sang-froid in misfortune.”

At these words the cripple fixed upon the speaker the
hard ironic eye of one toughened and defiant in misery,
and, in the end, grinned upon him with his unshaven face
like an ogre.

“Come, come, be sociable—be human, my friend.
Don't make that face; it distresses me.”

“I suppose,” with a sneer, “you are the man I've
long heard of—The Happy Man.”

“Happy? my friend. Yes, at least I ought to be.
My conscience is peaceful. I have confidence in everybody.
I have confidence that, in my humble profession,
I do some little good to the world. Yes, I think that,
without presumption, I may venture to assent to the
proposition that I am the Happy Man—the Happy Bone-setter.”

“Then you shall hear my story. Many a month I
have longed to get hold of the Happy Man, drill him,
drop the powder, and leave him to explode at his
leisure.”

“What a demoniac unfortunate,” exclaimed the herb-doctor
retreating. “Regular infernal machine!”

“Look ye,” cried the other, stumping after him, and
with his horny hand catching him by a horn button, “my
name is Thomas Fry. Until my—”

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—“Any relation of Mrs. Fry?” interrupted the other.
“I still correspond with that excellent lady on the subject
of prisons. Tell me, are you anyway connected
with my Mrs. Fry?”

“Blister Mrs. Fry! What do them sentimental souls
know of prisons or any other black fact? I'll tell ye
a story of prisons. Ha, ha!”

The herb-doctor shrank, and with reason, the laugh
being strangely startling.

“Positively, my friend,” said he, “you must stop
that; I can't stand that; no more of that. I hope I
have the milk of kindness, but your thunder will soon
turn it.”

“Hold, I haven't come to the milk-turning part yet.
My name is Thomas Fry. Until my twenty-third year
I went by the nickname of Happy Tom—happy—ha,
ha! They called me Happy Tom, d'ye see? because I was
so good-natured and laughing all the time, just as I am
now—ha, ha!”

Upon this the herb-doctor would, perhaps, have run,
but once more the hyæna clawed him. Presently,
sobering down, he continued:

“Well, I was born in New York, and there I lived a
steady, hard-working man, a cooper by trade. One
evening I went to a political meeting in the Park—for
you must know, I was in those days a great patriot. As
bad luck would have it, there was trouble near, between
a gentleman who had been drinking wine, and a pavior
who was sober. The pavior chewed tobacco, and the
gentleman said it was beastly in him, and pushed him,

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wanting to have his place. The pavior chewed on and
pushed back. Well, the gentleman carried a swordcane,
and presently the pavior was down—skewered.”

“How was that?”

“Why you see the pavior undertook something above
his strength.”

“The other must have been a Samson then. `Strong
as a pavior,' is a proverb.”

“So it is, and the gentleman was in body a rather
weakly man, but, for all that, I say again, the pavior
undertook something above his strength.”

“What are you talking about? He tried to maintain
his rights, didn't he?”

“Yes; but, for all that, I say again, he undertook
something above his strength.”

“I don't understand you. But go on.”

“Along with the gentleman, I, with other witnesses,
was taken to the Tombs. There was an examination,
and, to appear at the trial, the gentleman and witnesses
all gave bail—I mean all but me.”

“And why didn't you?”

“Couldn't get it.”

“Steady, hard-working cooper like you; what was
the reason you couldn't get bail?”

“Steady, hard-working cooper hadn't no friends.
Well, souse I went into a wet cell, like a canal-boat
splashing into the lock; locked up in pickle, d'ye see?
against the time of the trial.”

“But what had you done?”

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“Why, I hadn't got any friends, I tell ye. A worse
crime than murder, as ye'll see afore long.”

“Murder? Did the wounded man die?”

“Died the third night.”

“Then the gentleman's bail didn't help him. Imprisoned
now, wasn't he?”

“Had too many friends. No, it was I that was
imprisoned.—But I was going on: They let me walk
about the corridor by day; but at night I must into lock.
There the wet and the damp struck into my bones. They
doctored me, but no use. When the trial came, I was
boosted up and said my say.”

“And what was that?”

“My say was that I saw the steel go in, and saw it
sticking in.”

“And that hung the gentleman.”

“Hung him with a gold chain! His friends called a
meeting in the Park, and presented him with a gold
watch and chain upon his acquittal.”

“Acquittal?”

“Didn't I say he had friends?”

There was a pause, broken at last by the herb-doctor's
saying: “Well, there is a bright side to everything.
If this speak prosaically for justice, it speaks romantically
for friendship! But go on, my fine fellow.”

“My say being said, they told me I might go. I said
I could not without help. So the constables helped me,
asking where would I go? I told them back to the
`Tombs.' I knew no other place. `But where are your
friends?' said they. `I have none.' So they put me

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into a hand-barrow with an awning to it, and wheeled
me down to the dock and on board a boat, and away to
Blackwell's Island to the Corporation Hospital. There
I got worse—got pretty much as you see me now.
Couldn't cure me. After three years, I grew sick of
lying in a grated iron bed alongside of groaning thieves
and mouldering burglars. They gave me five silver dollars,
and these crutches, and I hobbled off. I had an
only brother who went to Indiana, years ago. I begged
about, to make up a sum to go to him; got to
Indiana at last, and they directed me to his grave. It
was on a great plain, in a log-church yard with a stump
fence, the old gray roots sticking all ways like mooseantlers.
The bier, set over the grave, it being the last
dug, was of green hickory; bark on, and green twigs
sprouting from it. Some one had planted a bunch of violets
on the mound, but it was a poor soil (always choose
the poorest soils for grave-yards), and they were all dried
to tinder. I was going to sit and rest myself on the bier
and think about my brother in heaven, but the bier
broke down, the legs being only tacked. So, after
driving some hogs out of the yard that were rooting
there, I came away, and, not to make too long a story
of it, here I am, drifting down stream like any other bit
of wreck.”

The herb-doctor was silent for a time, buried in
thought. At last, raising his head, he said: “I have
considered your whole story, my friend, and strove to
consider it in the light of a commentary on what I
believe to be the system of things; but it so jars with all,

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is so incompatible with all, that you must pardon me,
if I honestly tell you, I cannot believe it.”

“That don't surprise me.”

“How?”

“Hardly anybody believes my story, and so to most
I tell a different one.”

“How, again?”

“Wait here a bit and I'll show ye.”

With that, taking off his rag of a cap, and arranging
his tattered regimentals the best he could, off he went
stumping among the passengers in an adjoining part of
the deck, saying with a jovial kind of air: “Sir, a
shilling for Happy Tom, who fought at Buena Vista.
Lady, something for General Scott's soldier, crippled in
both pins at glorious Contreras.”

Now, it so chanced that, unbeknown to the cripple, a
prim-looking stranger had overheard part of his story.
Beholding him, then, on his present begging adventure,
this person, turning to the herb-doctor, indignantly said:
“Is it not too bad, sir, that yonder rascal should lie
so?”

“Charity never faileth, my good sir,” was the reply.
“The vice of this unfortunate is pardonable. Consider,
he lies not out of wantonness.”

“Not out of wantonness. I never heard more wanton
lies. In one breath to tell you what would appear to
be his true story, and, in the next, away and falsify it.”

“For all that, I repeat he lies not out of wantonness.
A ripe philosopher, turned out of the great Sorbonne of
hard times, he thinks that woes, when told to strangers

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for money, are best sugared. Though the inglorious
lock-jaw of his knee-pans in a wet dungeon is a far
more pitiable ill than to have been crippled at glorious
Contreras, yet he is of opinion that this lighter and
false ill shall attract, while the heavier and real one
might repel.”

“Nonsense; he belongs to the Devil's regiment; and
I have a great mind to expose him.”

“Shame upon you. Dare to expose that poor unfortunate,
and by heaven—don't you do it, sir.”

Noting something in his manner, the other thought it
more prudent to retire than retort. By-and-by, the
cripple came back, and with glee, having reaped a pretty
good harvest.

“There,” he laughed, “you know now what sort of
soldier I am.”

“Aye, one that fights not the stupid Mexican, but a
foe worthy your tactics—Fortune!”

“Hi, hi!” clamored the cripple, like a fellow in the
pit of a sixpenny theatre, then said, “don't know much
what you meant, but it went off well.”

This over, his countenance capriciously put on a
morose ogreness. To kindly questions he gave no kindly
answers. Unhandsome notions were thrown out
about “free Ameriky,” as he sarcastically called his country.
These seemed to disturb and pain the herb-doctor,
who, after an interval of thoughtfulness, gravely addressed
him in these words:

“You, my worthy friend, to my concern, have reflected
upon the government under which you live and

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suffer. Where is your patriotism? Where your gratitude?
True, the charitable may find something in your case,
as you put it, partly to account for such reflections as
coming from you. Still, be the facts how they may,
your reflections are none the less unwarrantable. Grant,
for the moment, that your experiences are as you give
them; in which case I would admit that government
might be thought to have more or less to do with what
seems undesirable in them. But it is never to be forgotten
that human government, being subordinate to the
divine, must needs, therefore, in its degree, partake of
the characteristics of the divine. That is, while in general
efficacious to happiness, the world's law may yet, in
some cases, have, to the eye of reason, an unequal operation,
just as, in the same imperfect view, some inequalities
may appear in the operations of heaven's law;
nevertheless, to one who has a right confidence, final
benignity is, in every instance, as sure with the one law
as the other. I expound the point at some length,
because these are the considerations, my poor fellow,
which, weighed as they merit, will enable you to sustain
with unimpaired trust the apparent calamities which
are yours.”

“What do you talk your hog-latin to me for?” cried
the cripple, who, throughout the address, betrayed the
most illiterate obduracy; and, with an incensed look,
anew he swung himself.

Glancing another way till the spasm passed, the
other continued:

“Charity marvels not that you should be somewhat

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hard of conviction, my friend, since you, doubltess,
believe yourself hardly dealt by; but forget not that
those who are loved are chastened.”

“Mustn't chasten them too much, though, and too
long, because their skin and heart get hard, and feel
neither pain nor tickle.”

“To mere reason, your case looks something piteous,
I grant. But never despond; many things—the
choicest—yet remain. You breathe this bounteous air,
are warmed by this gracious sun, and, though poor and
friendless, indeed, nor so agile as in your youth, yet, how
sweet to roam, day by day, through the groves, plucking
the bright mosses and flowers, till forlornness itself
becomes a hilarity, and, in your innocent independence,
you skip for joy.”

“Fine skipping with these 'ere horse-posts—ha ha!”

“Pardon; I forgot the crutches. My mind, figuring
you after receiving the benefit of my art, overlooked
you as you stand before me.”

“Your art? You call yourself a bone-setter—a natural
bone-setter, do ye? Go, bone-set the crooked world,
and then come bone-set crooked me.”

“Truly, my honest friend, I thank you for again recalling
me to my original object. Let me examine you,”
bending down; “ah, I see, I see; much such a case as the
negro's. Did you see him? Oh no, you came aboard
since. Well, his case was a little something like yours.
I prescribed for him, and I shouldn't wonder at all if, in
a very short time, he were able to walk almost as well
as myself. Now, have you no confidence in my art?”

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“Ha, ha!”

The herb-doctor averted himself; but, the wild laugh
dying away, resumed:

“I will not force confidence on you. Still, I would
fain do the friendly thing by you. Here, take this box;
just rub that liniment on the joints night and morning.
Take it. Nothing to pay. God bless you. Good-bye.”

“Stay,” pausing in his swing, not untouched by so
unexpected an act; “stay—thank'ee—but will this
really do me good? Honor bright, now; will it? Don't
deceive a poor fellow,” with changed mien and glistening
eye.

“Try it. Good-bye.”

“Stay, stay! Sure it will do me good?”

“Possibly, possibly; no harm in trying. Good-bye.”

“Stay, stay; give me three more boxes, and here's
the money.

“My friend,” returning towards him with a sadly
pleased sort of air, “I rejoice in the birth of your confidence
and hopefulness. Believe me that, like your
crutches, confidence and hopefulness will long support
a man when his own legs will not. Stick to confidence
and hopefulness, then, since how mad for the cripple to
throw his crutches away. You ask for three more boxes
of my liniment. Luckily, I have just that number remaining.
Here they are. I sell them at half-a-dollar
apiece. But I shall take nothing from you. There;
God bless you again; good-bye.”

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“Stay,” in a convulsed voice, and rocking himself,
“stay, stay! You have made a better man of me. You
have borne with me like a good Christian, and talked to
me like one, and all that is enough without making me
a present of these boxes. Here is the money. I won't
take nay. There, there; and may Almighty goodness
go with you.”

As the herb-doctor withdrew, the cripple gradually
subsided from his hard rocking into a gentle oscillation.
It expressed, perhaps, the soothed mood of his
reverie.

-- --

CHAPTER XX. REAPPEARANCE OF ONE WHO MAY BE REMEMBERED.

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The herb-doctor had not moved far away, when, in
advance of him, this spectacle met his eye. A dried-up
old man, with the stature of a boy of twelve, was tottering
about like one out of his mind, in rumpled
clothes of old moleskin, showing recent contact with
bedding, his ferret eyes, blinking in the sunlight of the
snowy boat, as imbecilely eager, and, at intervals, coughing,
he peered hither and thither as if in alarmed search
for his nurse. He presented the aspect of one who,
bed-rid, has, through overruling excitement, like that of
a fire, been stimulated to his feet.

“You seek some one,” said the herb-doctor, accosting
him. “Can I assist you?”

“Do, do; I am so old and miserable,” coughed the
old man. “Where is he? This long time I've been trying
to get up and find him. But I haven't any friends,
and couldn't get up till now. Where is he?”

“Who do you mean?” drawing closer, to stay the
further wanderings of one so weakly.

“Why, why, why,” now marking the other's dress,
“why you, yes you—you, you—ugh, ugh, ugh!”

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“I?”

“Ugh, ugh, ugh!—you are the man he spoke of.
Who is he?”

“Faith, that is just what I want to know.”

“Mercy, mercy!” coughed the old man, bewildered,
“ever since seeing him, my head spins round so. I
ought to have a guardeean. Is this a snuff-colored surtout
of yours, or ain't it? Somehow, can't trust my
senses any more, since trusting him—ugh, ugh, ugh!”

“Oh, you have trusted somebody? Glad to hear it.
Glad to hear of any instance of that sort. Reflects well
upon all men. But you inquire whether this is a snuff-colored
surtout. I answer it is; and will add that a
herb-doctor wears it.”

Upon this the old man, in his broken way, replied
that then he (the herb-doctor) was the person he
sought—the person spoken of by the other person as
yet unknown. He then, with flighty eagerness, wanted
to know who this last person was, and where he was,
and whether he could be trusted with money to treble it.

“Aye, now, I begin to understand; ten to one you
mean my worthy friend, who, in pure goodness of heart,
makes people's fortunes for them—their everlasting fortunes,
as the phrase goes—only charging his one small
commission of confidence. Aye, aye; before intrusting
funds with my friend, you want to know about him.
Very proper—and, I am glad to assure you, you need
have no hesitation; none, none, just none in the world;
bona fide, none. Turned me in a trice a hundred dollars
the other day into as many eagles.”

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“Did he? did he? But where is he? Take me to
him.”

“Pray, take my arm! The boat is large! We may
have something of a hunt! Come on! Ah, is that he?”

“Where? where?”

“O, no; I took yonder coat-skirts for his. But no,
my honest friend would never turn tail that way.
Ah!—”

“Where? where?”

“Another mistake. Surprising resemblance. I took
yonder clergyman for him. Come on!”

Having searched that part of the boat without success,
they went to another part, and, while exploring that,
the boat sided up to a landing, when, as the two were
passing by the open guard, the herb-doctor suddenly
rushed towards the disembarking throng, crying out:
“Mr. Truman, Mr. Truman! There he goes—that's he.
Mr. Truman, Mr. Truman!—Confound that steam-pipe.
Mr. Truman! for God's sake, Mr. Truman!—No, no.—
There, the plank's in—too late—we're off.”

With that, the huge boat, with a mighty, walrus
wallow, rolled away from the shore, resuming her
course.

“How vexatious!” exclaimed the herb-doctor, returning.
“Had we been but one single moment sooner.—
There he goes, now, towards yon hotel, his portmanteau
following. You see him, don't you?”

“Where? where?”

“Can't see him any more. Wheel-house shot between.
I am very sorry. I should have so liked you

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to have let him have a hundred or so of your money.
You would have been pleased with the investment, believe
me.”

“Oh, I have let him have some of my money,”
groaned the old man.

“You have? My dear sir,” seizing both the miser's
hands in both his own and heartily shaking them. “My
dear sir, how I congratulate you. You don't know.”

“Ugh, ugh! I fear I don't,” with another groan.
His name is Truman, is it?”

“John Truman.”

“Where does he live?”

“In St. Louis.”

“Where's his office?”

“Let me see. Jones street, number one hundred
and—no, no—anyway, it's somewhere or other up-stairs
in Jones street.”

“Can't you remember the number? Try, now.”

“One hundred—two hundred—three hundred—”

“Oh, my hundred dollars! I wonder whether it will
be one hundred, two hundred, three hundred, with
them! Ugh, ugh! Can't remember the number?”

“Positively, though I once knew, I have forgotten,
quite forgotten it. Strange. But never mind. You
will easily learn in St. Louis. He is well known
there.”

“But I have no receipt—ugh, ugh! Nothing to
show—don't know where I stand—ought to have a
guardeean—ugh, ugh! Don't know anything. Ugh,
ugh!”

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“Why, you know that you gave him your confidence,
don't you?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Well, then?”

“But what, what—how, how—ugh, ugh!”

“Why, didn't he tell you?”

“No.”

“What! Didn't he tell you that it was a secret, a
mystery?”

“Oh—yes.”

“Well, then?”

“But I have no bond.”

“Don't need any with Mr. Truman. Mr. Truman's
word is his bond.”

“But how am I to get my profits—ugh, ugh!—and
my money back? Don't know anything. Ugh, ugh!”

“Oh, you must have confidence.”

“Don't say that word again. Makes my head spin
so. Oh, I'm so old and miserable, nobody caring for
me, everybody fleecing me, and my head spins so—ugh,
ugh!—and this cough racks me so. I say again, I ought
to have a guardeean.”

“So you ought; and Mr. Truman is your guardian to
the extent you invested with him. Sorry we missed
him just now. But you'll hear from him. All right.
It's imprudent, though, to expose yourself this way.
Let me take you to your berth.”

Forlornly enough the old miser moved slowly away
with him. But, while descending a stairway, he was
seized with such coughing that he was fain to pause.

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“That is a very bad cough.”

“Church-yard—ugh, ugh!—church-yard cough.—
Ugh!”

“Have you tried anything for it?”

“Tired of trying. Nothing does me any good—ugh!
ugh! Not even the Mammoth Cave. Ugh! ugh!
Denned there six months, but coughed so bad the rest
of the coughers—ugh! ugh!—black-balled me out.
Ugh, ugh! Nothing does me good.”

“But have you tried the Omni-Balsamic Reinvigorator,
sir?”

“That's what that Truman — ugh, ugh! — said I
ought to take. Yarb-medicine; you are that yarb-doctor,
too?”

“The same. Suppose you try one of my boxes now.
Trust me, from what I know of Mr. Truman, he is not
the gentleman to recommend, even in behalf of a friend,
anything of whose excellence he is not conscientiously
satisfied.”

“Ugh!—how much?”

“Only two dollars a box.”

“Two dollars? Why don't you say two millions?
ugh, ugh! Two dollars, that's two hundred cents;
that's eight hundred farthings; that's two thousand
mills; and all for one little box of yarb-medicine. My
head, my head!—oh, I ought to have a guardeean for
my head. Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh!”

“Well, if two dollars a box seems too much, take a
dozen boxes at twenty dollars; and that will be getting
four boxes for nothing, and you need use none but those

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four, the rest you can retail out at a premium, and so
cure your cough, and make money by it. Come, you
had better do it. Cash down. Can fill an order in a
day or two. Here now,” producing a box; “pure
herbs.”

At that moment, seized with another spasm, the miser
snatched each interval to fix his half distrustful, half
hopeful eye upon the medicine, held alluringly up.
“Sure — ugh! Sure it's all nat'ral? Nothing but
yarbs? If I only thought it was a purely nat'ral medicine
now—all yarbs—ugh, ugh!—oh this cough, this
cough—ugh, ugh!—shatters my whole body. Ugh,
ugh, ugh!”

“For heaven's sake try my medicine, if but a single
box. That it is pure nature you may be confident.
Refer you to Mr. Truman.”

“Don't know his number—ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh! Oh
this cough. He did speak well of this medicine though;
said solemnly it would cure me—ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh!—
take off a dollar and I'll have a box.”

“Can't sir, can't.”

“Say a dollar-and-half. Ugh!”

“Can't. Am pledged to the one-price system, only
honorable one.”

“Take off a shilling—ugh, ugh!”

“Can't.”

“Ugh, ugh, ugh—I'll take it.—There.”

Grudgingly he handed eight silver coins, but while
still in his hand, his cough took him, and they were
shaken upon the deck.

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One by one, the herb-doctor picked them up, and,
examining them, said: “These are not quarters, these
are pistareens; and clipped, and sweated, at that.”

“Oh don't be so miserly—ugh, ugh!—better a beast
than a miser—ugh, ugh!”

“Well, let it go. Anything rather than the idea of
your not being cured of such a cough. And I hope, for
the credit of humanity, you have not made it appear
worse than it is, merely with a view to working upon
the weak point of my pity, and so getting my medicine
the cheaper. Now, mind, don't take it till night. Just
before retiring is the time. There, you can get along
now, can't you? I would attend you further, but I land
presently, and must go hunt up my luggage.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXI. A HARD CASE.

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Yarbs, yarbs; natur, natur; you foolish old file
you! He diddled you with that hocus-pocus, did he?
Yarbs and natur will cure your incurable cough, you
think.”

It was a rather eccentric-looking person who spoke;
somewhat ursine in aspect; sporting a shaggy spencer
of the cloth called bear's-skin; a high-peaked cap of raccoon-skin,
the long bushy tail switching over behind;
raw-hide leggings; grim stubble chin; and to end, a
double-barreled gun in hand—a Missouri bachelor, a
Hoosier gentleman, of Spartan leisure and fortune, and
equally Spartan manners and sentiments; and, as the
sequel may show, not less acquainted, in a Spartan way
of his own, with philosophy and books, than with wood-craft
and rifles.

He must have overheard some of the talk between the
miser and the herb-doctor; for, just after the withdrawal
of the one, he made up to the other—now at the foot
of the stairs leaning against the baluster there—with the
greeting above.

“Think it will cure me?” coughed the miser in echo;

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“why shouldn't it? The medicine is nat'ral yarbs,
pure yarbs; yarbs must cure me.”

“Because a thing is nat'ral, as you call it, you think
it must be good. But who gave you that cough? Was
it, or was it not, nature?”

“Sure, you don't think that natur, Dame Natur, will
hurt a body, do you?”

“Natur is good Queen Bess; but who's responsible
for the cholera?”

“But yarbs, yarbs; yarbs are good?”

“What's deadly-nightshade? Yarb, ain't it?”

“Oh, that a Christian man should speak agin natur
and yarbs—ugh, ugh, ugh!—ain't sick men sent out into
the country; sent out to natur and grass?”

“Aye, and poets send out the sick spirit to green
pastures, like lame horses turned out unshod to the turf
to renew their hoofs. A sort of yarb-doctors in their
way, poets have it that for sore hearts, as for sore lungs,
nature is the grand cure. But who froze to death my
teamster on the prairie? And who made an idiot of
Peter the Wild Boy?”

“Then you don't believe in these 'ere yarb-doctors?”

“Yarb-doctors? I remember the lank yarb-doctor
I saw once on a hospital-cot in Mobile. One of the
faculty passing round and seeing who lay there, said
with professional triumph, “Ah, Dr. Green, your yarbs
don't help ye now, Dr. Green. Have to come to us and
the mercury now, Dr. Green.—Natur! Y-a-r-b-s!”

“Did I hear something about herbs and herb-doctors?”
here said a flute-like voice, advancing.

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It was the herb-doctor in person. Carpet-bag in
hand, he happened to be strolling back that way.

“Pardon me,” addressing the Missourian, “but if I
caught your words aright, you would seem to have little
confidence in nature; which, really, in my way of
thinking, looks like carrying the spirit of distrust pretty
far.”

“And who of my sublime species may you be?”
turning short round upon him, clicking his rifle-lock,
with an air which would have seemed half cynic, half
wild-cat, were it not for the grotesque excess of the expression,
which made its sincerity appear more or less
dubious.

“One who has confidence in nature, and confidence
in man, with some little modest confidence in himself.”

“That's your Confession of Faith, is it? Confidence
in man, eh? Pray, which do you think are most,
knaves or fools?”

“Having met with few or none of either, I hardly
think I am competent to answer.”

“I will answer for you. Fools are most.”

“Why do you think so?”

“For the same reason that I think oats are numerically
more than horses. Don't knaves munch up fools
just as horses do oats?”

“A droll, sir; you are a droll. I can appreciate
drollery—ha, ha, ha!”

“But I'm in earnest.”

“That's the drollery, to deliver droll extravagance
with an earnest air—knaves munching up fools as horses

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oats.—Faith, very droll, indeed, ha, ha, ha! Yes, I
think I understand you now, sir. How silly I was to
have taken you seriously, in your droll conceits, too,
about having no confidence in nature. In reality you
have just as much as I have.”

I have confidence in nature? I? I say again there
is nothing I am more suspicious of. I once lost ten
thousand dollars by nature. Nature embezzled that
amount from me; absconded with ten thousand dollars'
worth of my property; a plantation on this stream,
swept clean away by one of those sudden shiftings of
the banks in a freshet; ten thousand dollars' worth of
alluvion thrown broad off upon the waters.”

“But have you no confidence that by a reverse shifting
that soil will come back after many days?—ah, here
is my venerable friend,” observing the old miser, “not
in your berth yet? Pray, if you will keep afoot, don't
lean against that baluster; take my arm.”

It was taken; and the two stood together; the old
miser leaning against the herb-doctor with something of
that air of trustful fraternity with which, when standing,
the less strong of the Siamese twins habitually leans
against the other.

The Missourian eyed them in silence, which was
broken by the herb-doctor.

“You look surprised, sir. Is it because I publicly
take under my protection a figure like this? But I am
never ashamed of honesty, whatever his coat.”

“Look you,” said the Missourian, after a scrutinizing
pause, “you are a queer sort of chap. Don't know

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exactly what to make of you. Upon the whole though,
you somewhat remind me of the last boy I had on my
place.”

“Good, trustworthy boy, I hope?”

“Oh, very! I am now started to get me made some
kind of machine to do the sort of work which boys are
supposed to be fitted for.”

“Then you have passed a veto upon boys?”

“And men, too.”

“But, my dear sir, does not that again imply more or
less lack of confidence?—(Stand up a little, just a very
little, my venerable friend; you lean rather hard.)—No
confidence in boys, no confidence in men, no confidence
in nature. Pray, sir, who or what may you have confidence
in?”

“I have confidence in distrust; more particularly as
applied to you and your herbs.”

“Well,” with a forbearing smile, “that is frank. But
pray, don't forget that when you suspect my herbs you
suspect nature.”

“Didn't I say that before?”

“Very good. For the argument's sake I will suppose
you are in earnest. Now, can you, who suspect nature,
deny, that this same nature not only kindly brought you
into being, but has faithfully nursed you to your present
vigorous and independent condition? Is it not to nature
that you are indebted for that robustness of mind
which you so unhandsomely use to her scandal? Pray,
is it not to nature that you owe the very eyes by which
you criticise her?”

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“No! for the privilege of vision I am indebted to an
oculist, who in my tenth year operated upon me in Philadelphia.
Nature made me blind and would have kept
me so. My oculist counterplotted her.”

“And yet, sir, by your complexion, I judge you live
an out-of-door life; without knowing it, you are
partial to nature; you fly to nature, the universal
mother.”

“Very motherly! Sir, in the passion-fits of nature,
I've known birds fly from nature to me, rough as I look;
yes, sir, in a tempest, refuge here,” smiting the folds of
his bearskin. “Fact, sir, fact. Come, come, Mr. Palaverer,
for all your palavering, did you yourself never
shut out nature of a cold, wet night? Bar her out?
Bolt her out? Lint her out?”

“As to that,” said the herb-doctor calmly, “much
may be said.”

“Say it, then,” ruffling all his hairs. “You can't,
sir, can't.” Then, as in apostrophe: “Look you, nature!
I don't deny but your clover is sweet, and your
dandelions don't roar; but whose hailstones smashed
my windows?”

“Sir,” with unimpaired affability, producing one of
his boxes, “I am pained to meet with one who holds
nature a dangerous character. Though your manner is
refined your voice is rough; in short, you seem to have
a sore throat. In the calumniated name of nature, I
present you with this box; my venerable friend here
has a similar one; but to you, a free gift, sir. Through
her regularly-authorized agents, of whom I happen to

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be one, Nature delights in benefiting those who most
abuse her. Pray, take it.”

“Away with it! Don't hold it so near. Ten to one
there is a torpedo in it. Such things have been. Editors
been killed that way. Take it further off, I
say.”

“Good heavens! my dear sir—”

“I tell you I want none of your boxes,” snapping his
rifle.

“Oh, take it—ugh, ugh! do take it,” chimed in the
old miser; “I wish he would give me one for nothing.”

“You find it lonely, eh,” turning short round; “gulled
yourself, you would have a companion.”

“How can he find it lonely,” returned the herb-doctor,
“or how desire a companion, when here I stand by
him; I, even I, in whom he has trust. For the gulling,
tell me, is it humane to talk so to this poor old man?
Granting that his dependence on my medicine is vain,
is it kind to deprive him of what, in mere imagination,
if nothing more, may help eke out, with hope, his
disease? For you, if you have no confidence, and,
thanks to your native health, can get along without it,
so far, at least, as trusting in my medicine goes; yet,
how cruel an argument to use, with this afflicted one
here. Is it not for all the world as if some brawny
pugilist, aglow in December, should rush in and put
out a hospital-fire, because, forsooth, he feeling no need
of artificial heat, the shivering patients shall have none?
Put it to your conscience, sir, and you will admit, that,
whatever be the nature of this afflicted one's trust, you,

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in opposing it, evince either an erring head or a heart
amiss. Come, own, are you not pitiless?”

“Yes, poor soul,” said the Missourian, gravely eying
the old man—“yes, it is pitiless in one like me to
speak too honestly to one like you. You are a late
sitter-up in this life; past man's usual bed-time; and
truth, though with some it makes a wholesome breakfast,
proves to all a supper too hearty. Hearty food,
taken late, gives bad dreams.”

“What, in wonder's name—ugh, ugh!—is he talking
about?” asked the old miser, looking up to the herb-doctor.

“Heaven be praised for that!” cried the Missourian.

“Out of his mind, ain't he?” again appealed the old
miser.

“Pray, sir,” said the herb-doctor to the Missourian,
“for what were you giving thanks just now?”

“For this: that, with some minds, truth is, in effect,
not so cruel a thing after all, seeing that, like a loaded
pistol found by poor devils of savages, it raises
more wonder than terror—its peculiar virtue being unguessed,
unless, indeed, by indiscreet handling, it should
happen to go off of itself.”

“I pretend not to divine your meaning there,” said
the herb-doctor, after a pause, during which he eyed the
Missourian with a kind of pinched expression, mixed of
pain and curiosity, as if he grieved at his state of mind,
and, at the same time, wondered what had brought him
to it, “but this much I know,” he added, “that the
general cast of your thoughts is, to say the least,

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unfortunate. There is strength in them, but a strength,
whose source, being physical, must wither. You will
yet recant.”

“Recant?”

“Yes, when, as with this old man, your evil days of
decay come on, when a hoary captive in your chamber,
then will you, something like the dungeoned Italian we
read of, gladly seek the breast of that confidence begot in
the tender time of your youth, blessed beyond telling
if it return to you in age.”

“Go back to nurse again, eh? Second childhood,
indeed. You are soft.”

“Mercy, mercy!” cried the old miser, “what is all
this!—ugh, ugh! Do talk sense, my good friends.
Ain't you,” to the Missourian, “going to buy some of
that medicine?”

“Pray, my venerable friend,” said the herb-doctor,
now trying to straighten himself, “don't lean quite so
hard; my arm grows numb; abate a little, just a very
little.”

“Go,” said the Missourian, “go lay down in your
grave, old man, if you can't stand of yourself. It's a
hard world for a leaner.”

“As to his grave,” said the herb-doctor, “that is far
enough off, so he but faithfully take my medicine.”

“Ugh, ugh, ugh!—He says true. No, I ain't—ugh!
a going to die yet—ugh, ugh, ugh! Many years to live
yet, ugh, ugh, ugh!”

“I approve your confidence,” said the herb-doctor;
“but your coughing distresses me, besides being

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injurious to you. Pray, let me conduct you to your
berth. You are best there. Our friend here will wait
till my return, I know.”

With which he led the old miser away, and then,
coming back, the talk with the Missourian was
resumed.

“Sir,” said the herb-doctor, with some dignity and
more feeling, “now that our infirm friend is withdrawn,
allow me, to the full, to express my concern at the
words you allowed to escape you in his hearing. Some
of those words, if I err not, besides being calculated to
beget deplorable distrust in the patient, seemed fitted to
convey unpleasant imputations against me, his physician.”

“Suppose they did?” with a menacing air.

“Why, then—then, indeed,” respectfully retreating,
“I fall back upon my previous theory of your general
facetiousness. I have the fortune to be in company with
a humorist—a wag.”

“Fall back you had better, and wag it is,” cried the
Missourian, following him up, and wagging his raccoon
tail almost into the herb-doctor's face, “look you!”

“At what?”

“At this coon. Can you, the fox, catch him?”

“If you mean,” returned the other, not unselfpossessed,
“whether I flatter myself that I can in any way
dupe you, or impose upon you, or pass myself off upon
you for what I am not, I, as an honest man, answer that
I have neither the inclination nor the power to do aught
of the kind.”

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“Honest man? Seems to me you talk more like a
craven.”

“You in vain seek to pick a quarrel with me, or put
any affront upon me. The innocence in me heals me.”

“A healing like your own nostrums. But you are a
queer man—a very queer and dubious man; upon the
whole, about the most so I ever met.”

The scrutiny accompanying this seemed unwelcome
to the diffidence of the herb-doctor. As if at once to
attest the absence of resentment, as well as to change
the subject, he threw a kind of familiar cordiality into
his air, and said: “So you are going to get some machine
made to do your work? Philanthropic scruples,
doubtless, forbid your going as far as New Orleans for
slaves?”

“Slaves?” morose again in a twinkling, “won't have
'em! Bad enough to see whites ducking and grinning
round for a favor, without having those poor devils of
niggers congeeing round for their corn. Though, to me,
the niggers are the freer of the two. You are an abolitionist,
ain't you?” he added, squaring himself with
both hands on his rifle, used for a staff, and gazing in
the herb-doctor's face with no more reverence than if it
were a target. “You are an abolitionist, ain't you?”

“As to that, I cannot so readily answer. If by abolitionist
you mean a zealot, I am none; but if you mean
a man, who, being a man, feels for all men, slaves included,
and by any lawful act, opposed to nobody's
interest, and therefore, rousing nobody's enmity, would
willingly abolish suffering (supposing it, in its degree,

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to exist) from among mankind, irrespective of color,
then am I what you say.”

“Picked and prudent sentiments. You are the moderate
man, the invaluable understrapper of the wicked
man. You, the moderate man, may be used for wrong,
but are useless for right.”

“From all this,” said the herb-doctor, still forgivingly,
“I infer, that you, a Missourian, though living in a slave-state,
are without slave sentiments.”

“Aye, but are you? Is not that air of yours, so
spiritlessly enduring and yielding, the very air of a
slave? Who is your master, pray; or are you owned by
a company?”

My master?”

“Aye, for come from Maine or Georgia, you come
from a slave-state, and a slave-pen, where the best
breeds are to be bought up at any price from a livelihood
to the Presidency. Abolitionism, ye gods, but
expresses the fellow-feeling of slave for slave.”

“The back-woods would seem to have given you
rather eccentric notions,” now with polite superiority
smiled the herb-doctor, still with manly intrepidity forbearing
each unmanly thrust, “but to return; since,
for your purpose, you will have neither man nor boy,
bond nor free, truly, then some sort of machine for you
is all there is left. My desires for your success attend
you, sir.—Ah!” glancing shoreward, “here is Cape Giradeau;
I must leave you.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXII. IN THE POLITE SPIRIT OF THE TUSCULAN DISPUTATIONS.

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—“`Philosophical Intelligence Office'—novel
idea! But how did you come to dream that I wanted
anything in your absurd line, eh?”

About twenty minutes after leaving Cape Giradeau,
the above was growled out over his shoulder by the Missourian
to a chance stranger who had just accosted
him; a round-backed, baker-kneed man, in a mean five-dollar
suit, wearing, collar-wise by a chain, a small brass
plate, inscribed P. I. O., and who, with a sort of canine
deprecation, slunk obliquely behind.

“How did you come to dream that I wanted anything
in your line, eh?”

“Oh, respected sir,” whined the other, crouching a
pace nearer, and, in his obsequiousness, seeming to wag
his very coat-tails behind him, shabby though they were,
“oh, sir, from long experience, one glance tells me the
gentleman who is in need of our humble services.”

“But suppose I did want a boy—what they jocosely
call a good boy—how could your absurd office help me?—
Philosophical Intelligence Office?”

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“Yes, respected sir, an office founded on strictly philosophical
and physio—”

“Look you—come up here—how, by philosophy or
physiology either, make good boys to order? Come up
here. Don't give me a crick in the neck. Come up
here, come, sir, come,” calling as if to his pointer.
“Tell me, how put the requisite assortment of good
qualities into a boy, as the assorted mince into the
pie?”

“Respected sir, our office—”

“You talk much of that office. Where is it? On
board this boat?”

“Oh no, sir, I just came aboard. Our office—”

“Came aboard at that last landing, eh? Pray, do
you know a herb-doctor there? Smooth scamp in a
snuff-colored surtout?”

“Oh, sir, I was but a sojourner at Cape Giradeau.
Though, now that you mention a snuff-colored surtout, I
think I met such a man as you speak of stepping ashore
as I stepped aboard, and 'pears to me I have seen him
somewhere before. Looks like a very mild Christian
sort of person, I should say. Do you know him, respected
sir?”

“Not much, but better than you seem to. Proceed
with your business.”

With a low, shabby bow, as grateful for the permission,
the other began: “Our office—”

“Look you,” broke in the bachelor with ire, “have
you the spinal complaint? What are you ducking and
groveling about? Keep still. Where's your office?”

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“The branch one which I represent, is at Alton, sir,
in the free state we now pass,” (pointing somewhat
proudly ashore).

“Free, eh? You a freeman, you flatter yourself?
With those coat-tails and that spinal complaint of servility?
Free? Just cast up in your private mind who
is your master, will you?”

“Oh, oh, oh! I don't understand—indeed—indeed.
But, respected sir, as before said, our office, founded on
principles wholly new—”

“To the devil with your principles! Bad sign when
a man begins to talk of his principles. Hold, come
back, sir; back here, back, sir, back! I tell you no
more boys for me. Nay, I'm a Mede and Persian. In
my old home in the woods I'm pestered enough with
squirrels, weasels, chipmunks, skunks. I want no more
wild vermin to spoil my temper and waste my substance.
Don't talk of boys; enough of your boys; a
plague of your boys; chilblains on your boys! As for
Intelligence Offices, I've lived in the East, and know
'em. Swindling concerns kept by low-born cynics, under
a fawning exterior wreaking their cynic malice upon
mankind. You are a fair specimen of 'em.”

“Oh dear, dear, dear!”

“Dear? Yes, a thrice dear purchase one of your
boys would be to me. A rot on your boys!”

“But, respected sir, if you will not have boys, might
we not, in our small way, accommodate you with a
man?”

“Accommodate? Pray, no doubt you could

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accommodate me with a bosom-friend too, couldn't you?
Accommodate! Obliging word accommodate: there's
accommodation notes now, where one accommodates
another with a loan, and if he don't pay it pretty quickly,
acommodates him with a chain to his foot. Accommodate!
God forbid that I should ever be accommodated.
No, no. Look you, as I told that cousin-german of
yours, the herb-doctor, I'm now on the road to get me
made some sort of machine to do my work. Machines for
me. My cider-mill—does that ever steal my cider? My
mowing-machine—does that ever lay a-bed mornings?
My corn-husker—does that ever give me insolence?
No: cider-mill, mowing-machine, corn-husker—all faithfully
attend to their business. Disinterested, too; no
board, no wages; yet doing good all their lives long;
shining examples that virtue is its own reward—the only
practical Christians I know.”

“Oh dear, dear, dear, dear!”

“Yes, sir:—boys? Start my soul-bolts, what a difference,
in a moral point of view, between a corn-husker
and a boy! Sir, a corn-husker, for its patient continuance
in well-doing, might not unfitly go to heaven. Do
you suppose a boy will?”

“A corn-husker in heaven! (turning up the whites
of his eyes). Respected sir, this way of talking as if
heaven were a kind of Washington patent-office museum—
oh, oh, oh!—as if mere machine-work and puppet-work
went to heaven—oh, oh, oh! Things incapable
of free agency, to receive the eternal reward of well-doing—
oh, oh, oh!”

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“You Praise-God-Barebones you, what are you groaning
about? Did I say anything of that sort? Seems to
me, though you talk so good, you are mighty quick at a
hint the other way, or else you want to pick a polemic
quarrel with me.”

“It may be so or not, respected sir,” was now the demure
reply; “but if it be, it is only because as a soldier
out of honor is quick in taking affront, so a Christian
out of religion is quick, sometimes perhaps a little too
much so, in spying heresy.”

“Well,” after an astonished pause, “for an unaccountable
pair, you and the herb-doctor ought to yoke
together.”

So saying, the bachelor was eying him rather sharply,
when he with the brass plate recalled him to the discussion
by a hint, not unflattering, that he (the man with
the brass plate) was all anxiety to hear him further on
the subject of servants.

“About that matter,” exclaimed the impulsive bachelor,
going off at the hint like a rocket, “all thinking
minds are, now-a-days, coming to the conclusion—one
derived from an immense hereditary experience—see
what Horace and others of the ancients say of servants—
coming to the conclusion, I say, that boy or man, the
human animal is, for most work-purposes, a losing animal.
Can't be trusted; less trustworthy than oxen;
for conscientiousness a turn-spit dog excels him. Hence
these thousand new inventions—carding machines, horseshoe
machines, tunnel-boring machines, reaping machines,
apple-paring machines, boot-blacking machines,

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sewing machines, shaving machines, run-of-errand machines,
dumb-waiter machines, and the Lord-only-knows-what
machines; all of which announce the era when
that refractory animal, the working or serving man,
shall be a buried by-gone, a superseded fossil. Shortly
prior to which glorious time, I doubt not that a price
will be put upon their peltries as upon the knavish
`possums,' especially the boys. Yes, sir (ringing his
rifle down on the deck), I rejoice to think that the
day is at hand, when, prompted to it by law, I shall
shoulder this gun and go out a boy-shooting.”

“Oh, now! Lord, Lord, Lord!—But our office, respected
sir, conducted as I ventured to observe—”

“No, sir,” bristlingly settling his stubble chin in his
coon-skins. “Don't try to oil me; the herb-doctor
tried that. My experience, carried now through a course—
worse than salivation—a course of five and thirty
boys, proves to me that boyhood is a natural state of
rascality.”

“Save us, save us!”

“Yes, sir, yes. My name is Pitch; I stick to what I
say. I speak from fifteen years' experience; five and
thirty boys; American, Irish, English, German, African,
Mulatto; not to speak of that China boy sent me by
one who well knew my perplexities, from California;
and that Lascar boy from Bombay. Thug! I found
him sucking the embryo life from my spring eggs. All
rascals, sir, every soul of them; Caucasian or Mongol.
Amazing the endless variety of rascality in human nature
of the juvenile sort. I remember that, having

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discharged, one after another, twenty-nine boys—each, too,
for some wholly unforeseen species of viciousness peculiar
to that one peculiar boy—I remember saying to myself:
Now, then, surely, I have got to the end of the list,
wholly exhausted it; I have only now to get me a boy,
any boy different from those twenty-nine preceding
boys, and he infallibly shall be that virtuous boy I have
so long been seeking. But, bless me! this thirtieth boy—
by the way, having at the time long forsworn your intelligence
offices, I had him sent to me from the Commissioners
of Emigration, all the way from New York,
culled out carefully, in fine, at my particular request,
from a standing army of eight hundred boys, the
flowers of all nations, so they wrote me, temporarily in
barracks on an East River island—I say, this thirtieth
boy was in person not ungraceful; his deceased mother
a lady's maid, or something of that sort; and
in manner, why, in a plebeian way, a perfect Chesterfield;
very intelligent, too—quick as a flash. But,
such suavity! `Please sir! please sir!' always bowing
and saying, `Please sir.' In the strangest way, too, combining
a filial affection with a menial respect. Took
such warm, singular interest in my affairs. Wanted to
be considered one of the family—sort of adopted son of
mine, I suppose. Of a morning, when I would go out
to my stable, with what childlike good nature he would
trot out my nag, `Please sir, I think he's getting fatter
and fatter.' `But, he don't look very clean, does
he?' unwilling to be downright harsh with so affectionate
a lad; `and he seems a little hollow inside the

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haunch there, don't he? or no, perhaps I don't see plain
this morning.' `Oh, please sir, it's just there I think
he's gaining so, please.' Polite scamp! I soon found
he never gave that wretched nag his oats of nights;
didn't bed him either. Was above that sort of chambermaid
work. No end to his willful neglects. But the
more he abused my service, the more polite he grew.”

“Oh, sir, some way you mistook him.”

“Not a bit of it. Besides, sir, he was a boy who under
a Chesterfieldian exterior hid strong destructive propensities.
He cut up my horse-blanket for the bits of
leather, for hinges to his chest. Denied it point-blank.
After he was gone, found the shreds under his mattress.
Would slyly break his hoe-handle, too, on purpose to
get rid of hoeing. Then be so gracefully penitent for
his fatal excess of industrious strength. Offer to mend
all by taking a nice stroll to the nighest settlement—
cherry-trees in full bearing all the way—to get the broken
thing cobbled. Very politely stole my pears, odd
pennies, shillings, dollars, and nuts; regular squirrel at
it. But I could prove nothing. Expressed to him my
suspicions. Said I, moderately enough, `A little less
politeness, and a little more honesty would suit me better.
' He fired up; threatened to sue for libel. I won't
say anything about his afterwards, in Ohio, being found
in the act of gracefully putting a bar across a rail-road
track, for the reason that a stoker called him the rogue
that he was. But enough: polite boys or saucy boys,
white boys or black boys, smart boys or lazy boys,
Caucasian boys or Mongol boys—all are rascals.”

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“Shocking, shocking!” nervously tucking his frayed
cravat-end out of sight. “Surely, respected sir, you labor
under a deplorable hallucination. Why, pardon again,
you seem to have not the slightest confidence in boys. I
admit, indeed, that boys, some of them at least, are but
too prone to one little foolish foible or other. But, what
then, respected sir, when, by natural laws, they finally
outgrow such things, and wholly?”

Having until now vented himself mostly in plaintive
dissent of canine whines and groans, the man with the
brass-plate seemed beginning to summon courage to a
less timid encounter. But, upon his maiden essay, was
not very encouragingly handled, since the dialogue immediately
continued as follows:

“Boys outgrow what is amiss in them? From bad
boys spring good men? Sir, `the child is father of the
man;' hence, as all boys are rascals, so are all men.
But, God bless me, you must know these things better
than I; keeping an intelligence office as you do; a business
which must furnish peculiar facilities for studying
mankind. Come, come up here, sir; confess you know
these things pretty well, after all. Do you not know
that all men are rascals, and all boys, too?”

“Sir,” replied the other, spite of his shocked feelings
seeming to pluck up some spirit, but not to an indiscreet
degree, “Sir, heaven be praised, I am far, very far from
knowing what you say. True,” he thoughtfully continued,
“with my associates, I keep an intelligence
office, and for ten years, come October, have, one way
or other, been concerned in that line; for no small

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period in the great city of Cincinnati, too; and though, as
you hint, within that long interval, I must have had
more or less favorable opportunity for studying mankind—
in a business way, scanning not only the faces,
but ransacking the lives of several thousands of human
beings, male and female, of various nations, both employers
and employed, genteel and ungenteel, educated
and uneducated; yet—of course, I candidly admit, with
some random exceptions, I have, so far as my small observation
goes, found that mankind thus domestically
viewed, confidentially viewed, I may say; they, upon the
whole—making some reasonable allowances for human
imperfection—present as pure a moral spectacle as the
purest angel could wish. I say it, respected sir, with
confidence.”

“Gammon! You don't mean what you say. Else
you are like a landsman at sea: don't know the ropes,
the very things everlastingly pulled before your eyes.
Serpent-like, they glide about, traveling blocks too
subtle for you. In short, the entire ship is a riddle.
Why, you green ones wouldn't know if she were unseaworthy;
but still, with thumbs stuck back into your
arm-holes, pace the rotten planks, singing, like a fool,
words put into your green mouth by the cunning owner,
the man who, heavily insuring it, sends his ship to be
wrecked—

`A wet sheet and a flowing sea!'—

and, sir, now that it occurs to me, your talk, the
whole of it, is but a wet sheet and a flowing sea, and

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an idle wind that follows fast, offering a striking contrast
to my own discourse.”

“Sir,” exclaimed the man with the brass-plate, his
patience now more or less tasked, “permit me with
deference to hint that some of your remarks are injudiciously
worded. And thus we say to our patrons, when
they enter our office full of abuse of us because of some
worthy boy we may have sent them—some boy wholly
misjudged for the time. Yes, sir, permit me to remark
that you do not sufficiently consider that, though a small
man, I may have my small share of feelings.”

“Well, well, I didn't mean to wound your feelings at
all. And that they are small, very small, I take your
word for it. Sorry, sorry. But truth is like a thrashing-machine;
tender sensibilities must keep out of the
way. Hope you understand me. Don't want to hurt
you. All I say is, what I said in the first place, only
now I swear it, that all boys are rascals.”

“Sir,” lowly replied the other, still forbearing like an
old lawyer badgered in court, or else like a good-hearted
simpleton, the butt of mischievous wags, “Sir, since
you come back to the point, will you allow me, in my
small, quiet way, to submit to you certain small, quiet
views of the subject in hand?”

“Oh, yes!” with insulting indifference, rubbing his
chin and looking the other way. “Oh, yes; go on.”

“Well, then, respected sir,” continued the other, now
assuming as genteel an attitude as the irritating set of
his pinched five-dollar suit would permit; “well, then,
sir, the peculiar principles, the strictly philosophical

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principles, I may say,” guardedly rising in dignity, as
he guardedly rose on his toes, “upon which our office is
founded, has led me and my associates, in our small,
quiet way, to a careful analytical study of man, conducted,
too, on a quiet theory, and with an unobtrusive
aim wholly our own. That theory I will not now at
large set forth. But some of the discoveries resulting
from it, I will, by your permission, very briefly mention;
such of them, I mean, as refer to the state of boyhood
scientifically viewed.”

“Then you have studied the thing? expressly studied
boys, eh? Why didn't you out with that before?”

“Sir, in my small business way, I have not conversed
with so many masters, gentlemen masters, for nothing.
I have been taught that in this world there is a precedence
of opinions as well as of persons. You have
kindly given me your views, I am now, with modesty,
about to give you mine.”

“Stop flunkying—go on.”

“In the first place, sir, our theory teaches us to proceed
by analogy from the physical to the moral. Are
we right there, sir? Now, sir, take a young boy, a
young male infant rather, a man-child in short—what
sir, I respectfully ask, do you in the first place remark?”

“A rascal, sir! present and prospective, a rascal!”

“Sir, if passion is to invade, surely science must
evacuate. May I proceed? Well, then, what, in the
first place, in a general view, do you remark, respected
sir, in that male baby or man-child?”

The bachelor privily growled, but this time, upon the

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whole, better governed himself than before, though not,
indeed, to the degree of thinking it prudent to risk an
articulate response.

“What do you remark? I respectfully repeat.”
But, as no answer came, only the low, half-suppressed
growl, as of Bruin in a hollow trunk, the questioner continued:
“Well, sir, if you will permitme, in my small way,
to speak for you, you remark, respected sir, an incipient
creation; loose sort of sketchy thing; a little preliminary
rag-paper study, or careless cartoon, so to speak, of a
man. The idea, you see, respected sir, is there; but, as
yet, wants filling out. In a word, respected sir, the
man-child is at present but little, every way; I don't
pretend to deny it; but, then, he promises well, does he
not? Yes, promises very well indeed, I may say. (So,
too, we say to our patrons in reference to some noble
little youngster objected to for being a dwarf.) But, to
advance one step further,” extending his thread-bare leg,
as he drew a pace nearer, “we must now drop the
figure of the rag-paper cartoon, and borrow one—to use
presently, when wanted—from the horticultural kingdom.
Some bud, lily-bud, if you please. Now, such
points as the new-born man-child has—as yet not all
that could be desired, I am free to confess—still, such
as they are, there they are, and palpable as those of an
adult. But we stop not here,” taking another step.
“The man-child not only possesses these present points,
small though they are, but, likewise—now our horticultural
image comes into play—like the bud of the lily,
he contains concealed rudiments of others; that is,

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points at present invisible, with beauties at present
dormant.”

“Come, come, this talk is getting too horticultural
and beautiful altogether. Cut it short, cut it short!”

“Respected sir,” with a rustily martial sort of gesture,
like a decayed corporal's, “when deploying into the
field of discourse the vanguard of an important argument,
much more in evolving the grand central forces
of a new philosophy of boys, as I may say, surely you
will kindly allow scope adequate to the movement in
hand, small and humble in its way as that movement
may be. Is it worth my while to go on, respected
sir?”

“Yes, stop flunkying and go on.”

Thus encouraged, again the philosopher with the brass-plate
proceeded:

“Supposing, sir, that worthy gentleman (in such
terms, to an applicant for service, we allude to some
patron we chance to have in our eye), supposing, respected
sir, that worthy gentleman, Adam, to have been
dropped overnight in Eden, as a calf in the pasture;
supposing that, sir—then how could even the learned
serpent himself have foreknown that such a downychinned
little innocent would eventually rival the goat
in a beard? Sir, wise as the serpent was, that eventuality
would have been entirely hidden from his wisdom.”

“I don't know about that. The devil is very sagacious.
To judge by the event, he appears to have
understood man better even than the Being who made
him.”

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“For God's sake, don't say that, sir! To the point.
Can it now with fairness be denied that, in his beard, the
man-child prospectively possesses an appendix, not less
imposing than patriarchal; and for this goodly beard,
should we not by generous anticipation give the man-child,
even in his cradle, credit? Should we not now,
sir? respectfully I put it.”

“Yes, if like pig-weed he mows it down soon as it
shoots,” porcinely rubbing his stubble-chin against his
coon-skins.

“I have hinted at the analogy,” continued the other,
calmly disregardful of the digression; “now to apply it.
Suppose a boy evince no noble quality. Then generously
give him credit for his prospective one. Don't you
see? So we say to our patrons when they would fain
return a boy upon us as unworthy: `Madam, or sir,
(as the case may be) has this boy a beard?' `No.'
`Has he, we respectfully ask, as yet, evinced any noble
quality?' `No, indeed.' `Then, madam, or sir, take him
back, we humbly beseech; and keep him till that same
noble quality sprouts; for, have confidence, it, like the
beard, is in him.'”

“Very fine theory,” scornfully exclaimed the bachelor,
yet in secret, perhaps, not entirely undisturbed by
these strange new views of the matter; “but what trust
is to be placed in it?”

“The trust of perfect confidence, sir. To proceed.
Once more, if you please, regard the man-child.”

“Hold!” paw-like thrusting out his bearskin arm,
“don't intrude that man-child upon me too often. He

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who loves not bread, dotes not on dough. As little of
your man-child as your logical arrangements will
admit.”

“Anew regard the man-child,” with inspired intrepidity
repeated he with the brass-plate, “in the perspective
of his developments, I mean. At first the man-child
has no teeth, but about the sixth month—am I right,
sir?”

“Don't know anything about it.”

“To proceed then: though at first deficient in teeth,
about the sixth month the man-child begins to put forth
in that particular. And sweet those tender little puttings-forth
are.”

“Very, but blown out of his mouth directly, worthless
enough.”

“Admitted. And, therefore, we say to our patrons returning
with a boy alleged not only to be deficient in
goodness, but redundant in ill: `The lad, madam or sir,
evinces very corrupt qualities, does he?' `No end to
them.' `But, have confidence, there will be; for pray,
madam, in this lad's early childhood, were not those
frail first teeth, then his, followed by his present sound,
even, beautiful and permanent set. And the more objectionable
those first teeth became, was not that, madam,
we respectfully submit, so much the more reason
to look for their speedy substitution by the present
sound, even, beautiful and permanent ones.' `True,
true, can't deny that.' `Then, madam, take him back,
we respectfully beg, and wait till, in the now swift
course of nature, dropping those transient moral

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blemishes you complain of, he replacingly buds forth in the
sound, even, beautiful and permanent virtues.'”

“Very philosophical again,” was the contemptuous
reply—the outward contempt, perhaps, proportioned to
the inward misgiving. “Vastly philosophical, indeed, but
tell me—to continue your analogy—since the second
teeth followed—in fact, came from—the first, is there
no chance the blemish may be transmitted?”

“Not at all.” Abating in humility as he gained in
the argument. “The second teeth follow, but do not
come from, the first; successors, not sons. The first
teeth are not like the germ blossom of the apple, at
once the father of, and incorporated into, the growth it
foreruns; but they are thrust from their place by the
independent undergrowth of the succeeding set—an
illustration, by the way, which shows more for me than
I meant, though not more than I wish.”

“What does it show?” Surly-looking as a thundercloud
with the inkept unrest of unacknowledged conviction.

“It shows this, respected sir, that in the case of any
boy, especially an ill one, to apply unconditionally the
saying, that the `child is father of the man', is, besides
implying an uncharitable aspersion of the race, affirming
a thing very wide of—”

“—Your analogy,” like a snapping turtle.

“Yes, respected sir.”

“But is analogy argument? You are a punster.”

“Punster, respected sir?” with a look of being aggrieved.

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“Yes, you pun with ideas as another man may with
words.”

“Oh well, sir, whoever talks in that strain, whoever
has no confidence in human reason, whoever despises
human reason, in vain to reason with him. Still, respected
sir,” altering his air, “permit me to hint that,
had not the force of analogy moved you somewhat, you
would hardly have offered to contemn it.”

“Talk away,” disdainfully; “but pray tell me what
has that last analogy of yours to do with your intelligence
office business?”

“Everything to do with it, respected sir. From that
analogy we derive the reply made to such a patron as,
shortly after being supplied by us with an adult servant,
proposes to return him upon our hands; not that, while
with the patron, said adult has given any cause of dissatisfaction,
but the patron has just chanced to hear
something unfavorable concerning him from some
gentleman who employed said adult long before, while
a boy. To which too fastidious patron, we, taking said
adult by the hand, and graciously reintroducing him to
the patron, say: `Far be it from you, madam, or sir,
to proceed in your censure against this adult, in anything
of the spirit of an ex-post-facto law. Madam, or
sir, would you visit upon the butterfly the sins of the
caterpillar? In the natural advance of all creatures, do
they not bury themselves over and over again in the
endless resurrection of better and better? Madam, or sir,
take back this adult; he may have been a caterpillar,
but is now a butterfly.”

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“Pun away; but even accepting your analogical pun,
what does it amount to? Was the caterpillar one creature,
and is the butterfly another? The butterfly is the
caterpillar in a gaudy cloak; stripped of which, there
lies the impostor's long spindle of a body, pretty much
worm-shaped as before.”

“You reject the analogy. To the facts then. You
deny that a youth of one character can be transformed
into a man of an opposite character. Now then—yes,
I have it. There's the founder of La Trappe, and Ignatius
Loyola; in boyhood, and someway into manhood,
both devil-may-care bloods, and yet, in the end, the
wonders of the world for anchoritish self-command.
These two examples, by-the-way, we cite to such patrons
as would hastily return rakish young waiters upon
us. `Madam, or sir—patience; patience,' we say; `good
madam, or sir, would you discharge forth your cask of
good wine, because, while working, it riles more or less?
Then discharge not forth this young waiter; the good in
him is working.' `But he is a sad rake.' `Therein is
his promise; the rake being crude material for the
saint.'”

“Ah, you are a talking man—what I call a wordy
man. You talk, talk.”

“And with submission, sir, what is the greatest judge,
bishop or prophet, but a talking man? He talks, talks.
It is the peculiar vocation of a teacher to talk. What's
wisdom itself but table-talk? The best wisdom in this
world, and the last spoken by its teacher, did it not
literally and truly come in the form of table-talk?”

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“You, you you!” rattling down his rifle.

“To shift the subject, since we cannot agree. Pray,
what is your opinion, respected sir, of St. Augustine?”

“St. Augustine? What should I, or you either, know
of him? Seems to me, for one in such a business, to say
nothing of such a coat, that though you don't know a
great deal, indeed, yet you know a good deal more than
you ought to know, or than you have a right to know,
or than it is safe or expedient for you to know, or
than, in the fair course of life, you could have honestly
come to know. I am of opinion you should be served
like a Jew in the middle ages with his gold; this knowledge
of yours, which you haven't enough knowledge to
know how to make a right use of, it should be taken
from you. And so I have been thinking all along.”

“You are merry, sir. But you have a little looked
into St. Augustine I suppose.

“St. Augustine on Original Sin is my text book.
But you, I ask again, where do you find time or inclination
for these out-of-the-way speculations? In fact,
your whole talk, the more I think of it, is altogether unexampled
and extraordinary.”

“Respected sir, have I not already informed you that
the quite new method, the strictly philosophical one, on
which our office is founded, has led me and my associates
to an enlarged study of mankind. It was my fault,
if I did not, likewise, hint, that these studies directed
always to the scientific procuring of good servants of all
sorts, boys included, for the kind gentlemen, our patrons

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—that these studies, I say, have been conducted equally
among all books of all libraries, as among all men of all
nations. Then, you rather like St. Augustine, sir?”

“Excellent genius!”

“In some points he was; yet, how comes it that under
his own hand, St. Augustine confesses that, until his
thirtieth year, he was a very sad dog?”

“A saint a sad dog?”

“Not the saint, but the saint's irresponsible little
forerunner—the boy.”

“All boys are rascals, and so are all men,” again flying
off at his tangent; “my name is Pitch; I stick to
what I say.”

“Ah, sir, permit me—when I behold you on this mild
summer's eve, thus eccentrically clothed in the skins of
wild beasts, I cannot but conclude that the equally
grim and unsuitable habit of your mind is likewise but
an eccentric assumption, having no basis in your genuine
soul, no more than in nature herself.”

“Well, really, now—really,” fidgeted the bachelor,
not unaffected in his conscience by these benign personalities,
“really, really, now, I don't know but that I
may have been a little bit too hard upon those five and
thirty boys of mine.”

“Glad to find you a little softening, sir. Who knows
now, but that flexile gracefulness, however questionable
at the time of that thirtieth boy of yours, might have
been the silky husk of the most solid qualities of maturity.
It might have been with him as with the ear of the
Indian corn.”

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“Yes, yes, yes,” excitedly cried the bachelor, as the
light of this new illustration broke in, “yes, yes; and
now that I think of it, how often I've sadly watched my
Indian corn in May, wondering whether such sickly,
half-eaten sprouts, could ever thrive up into the stiff,
stately spear of August.”

“A most admirable reflection, sir, and you have only,
according to the analogical theory first started by our office,
to apply it to that thirtieth boy in question, and see
the result. Had you but kept that thirtieth boy—been
patient with his sickly virtues, cultivated them, hoed
round them, why what a glorious guerdon would have
been yours, when at last you should have had a St. Augustine
for an ostler.”

“Really, really—well, I am glad I didn't send him to
jail, as at first I intended.”

“Oh that would have been too bad. Grant he was
vicious. The petty vices of boys are like the innocent
kicks of colts, as yet imperfectly broken. Some boys
know not virtue only for the same reason they know
not French; it was never taught them. Established upon
the basis of parental charity, juvenile asylums exist by
law for the benefit of lads convicted of acts which, in
adults, would have received other requital. Why? Because,
do what they will, society, like our office, at bottom
has a Christian confidence in boys. And all this we
say to our patrons.”

“Your patrons, sir, seem your marines to whom you
may say anything,” said the other, relapsing. “Why
do knowing employers shun youths from asylums,

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though offered them at the smallest wages? I'll none
of your reformado boys.”

“Such a boy, respected sir, I would not get for you,
but a boy that never needed reform. Do not smile, for
as whooping-cough and measles are juvenile diseases,
and yet some juveniles never have them, so are there
boys equally free from juvenile vices. True, for the
best of boys' measles may be contagious, and evil communications
corrupt good manners; but a boy with a
sound mind in a sound body—such is the boy I would
get you. If hitherto, sir, you have struck upon a peculiarly
bad vein of boys, so much the more hope now of
your hitting a good one.”

“That sounds a kind of reasonable, as it were—a
little so, really. In fact, though you have said a great
many foolish things, very foolish and absurd things, yet,
upon the whole, your conversation has been such as
might almost lead one less distrustful than I to repose a
certain conditional confidence in you, I had almost added
in your office, also. Now, for the humor of it, supposing
that even I, I myself, really had this sort of conditional
confidence, though but a grain, what sort of a boy, in
sober fact, could you send me? And what would be
your fee?”

“Conducted,” replied the other somewhat loftily,
rising now in eloquence as his proselyte, for all his pretenses,
sunk in conviction, “conducted upon principles
involving care, learning, and labor, exceeding what is
usual in kindred institutions, the Philosophical Intelligence
Office is forced to charges somewhat higher than

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customary. Briefly, our fee is three dollars in advance.
As for the boy, by a lucky chance, I have a very promising
little fellow now in my eye—a very likely little
fellow, indeed.”

“Honest?”

“As the day is long. Might trust him with untold
millions. Such, at least, were the marginal observations
on the phrenological chart of his head, submitted to me
by the mother.”

“How old?”

“Just fifteen.”

“Tall? Stout?”

“Uncommonly so, for his age, his mother remarked.”

“Industrious?”

“The busy bee.”

The bachelor fell into a troubled reverie. At last,
with much hesitancy, he spoke:

“Do you think now, candidly, that—I say candidly—
candidly—could I have some small, limited—some
faint, conditional degree of confidence in that boy?
Candidly, now?”

“Candidly, you could.”

“A sound boy? A good boy?”

“Never knew one more so.”

The bachelor fell into another irresolute reverie;
then said: “Well, now, you have suggested some
rather new views of boys, and men, too. Upon those
views in the concrete I at present decline to determine.
Nevertheless, for the sake purely of a scientific experiment,
I will try that boy. I don't think him an angel,

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mind. No, no. But I'll try him. There are my three
dollars, and here is my address. Send him along this
day two weeks. Hold, you will be wanting the money
for his passage. There,” handing it somewhat reluctantly.

“Ah, thank you. I had forgotten his passage;” then,
altering in manner, and gravely holding the bills, continued:
“Respected sir, never willingly do I handle
money not with perfect willingness, nay, with a certain
alacrity, paid. Either tell me that you have a perfect
and unquestioning confidence in me (never mind the boy
now) or permit me respectfully to return these bills.”

“Put 'em up, put 'em up!”

“Thank you. Confidence is the indispensable basis
of all sorts of business transactions. Without it, commerce
between man and man, as between country and
country, would, like a watch, run down and stop. And
now, supposing that against present expectation the lad
should, after all, evince some little undesirable trait, do
not, respected sir, rashly dismiss him. Have but patience,
have but confidence. Those transient vices will,
ere long, fall out, and be replaced by the sound, firm,
even and permanent virtues. Ah,” glancing shoreward,
towards a grotesquely-shaped bluff, “there's the Devil's
Joke, as they call it; the bell for landing will shortly
ring. I must go look up the cook I brought for the innkeeper
at Cairo.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH THE POWERFUL EFFECT OF NATURAL SCENERY IS EVINCED IN THE CASE OF THE MISSOURIAN, WHO, IN VIEW OF THE REGION ROUNDABOUT CAIRO, HAS A RETURN OF HIS CHILLY FIT.

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At Cairo, the old established firm of Fever & Ague is
still settling up its unfinished business; that Creole
grave-digger, Yellow Jack—his hand at the mattock and
spade has not lost its cunning; while Don Saturninus
Typhus taking his constitutional with Death, Calvin Edson
and three undertakers, in the morass, snuffs up the
mephitic breeze with zest.

In the dank twilight, fanned with mosquitoes, and
sparkling with fire-flies, the boat now lies before Cairo.
She has landed certain passengers, and tarries for the
coming of expected ones. Leaning over the rail on the
inshore side, the Missourian eyes through the dubious
medium that swampy and squalid domain; and over it
audibly mumbles his cynical mind to himself, as Apemantus'
dog may have mumbled his bone. He bethinks
him that the man with the brass-plate was to land on
this villainous bank, and for that cause, if no other, begins
to suspect him. Like one beginning to rouse himself
from a dose of chloroform treacherously given, he

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half divines, too, that he, the philosopher, had unwittingly
been betrayed into being an unphilosophical dupe.
To what vicissitudes of light and shade is man subject!
He ponders the mystery of human subjectivity in general.
He thinks he perceives with Crossbones, his favorite
author, that, as one may wake up well in the morning,
very well, indeed, and brisk as a buck, I thank you, but
ere bed-time get under the weather, there is no telling
how—so one may wake up wise, and slow of assent,
very wise and very slow, I assure you, and for all that,
before night, by like trick in the atmosphere, be left in
the lurch a ninny. Health and wisdom equally precious,
and equally little as unfluctuating possessions to be relied
on.

But where was slipped in the entering wedge? Philosophy,
knowledge, experience—were those trusty knights
of the castle recreant? No, but unbeknown to them, the
enemy stole on the castle's south side, its genial one,
where Suspicion, the warder, parleyed. In fine, his too
indulgent, too artless and companionable nature betrayed
him. Admonished by which, he thinks he must be a
little splenetic in his intercourse henceforth.

He revolves the crafty process of sociable chat, by
which, as he fancies, the man with the brass-plate
wormed into him, and made such a fool of him as insensibly
to persuade him to waive, in his exceptional
case, that general law of distrust systematically applied
to the race. He revolves, but cannot comprehend, the
operation, still less the operator. Was the man a
trickster, it must be more for the love than the lucre.

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Two or three dirty dollars the motive to so many nice
wiles? And yet how full of mean needs his seeming.
Before his mental vision the person of that threadbare
Talleyrand, that impoverished Machiavelli, that seedy
Rosicrucian—for something of all these he vaguely deems
him—passes now in puzzled review. Fain, in his disfavor,
would he make out a logical case. The doctrine
of analogies recurs. Fallacious enough doctrine when
wielded against one's prejudices, but in corroboration of
cherished suspicions not without likelihood. Analogically,
he couples the slanting cut of the equivocator's
coat-tails with the sinister cast in his eye; he weighs
slyboot's sleek speech in the light imparted by the oblique
import of the smooth slope of his worn boot-heels;
the insinuator's undulating flunkyisms dovetail into
those of the flunky beast that windeth his way on his
belly.

From these uncordial reveries he is roused by a cordial
slap on the shoulder, accompanied by a spicy volume of
tobacco-smoke, out of which came a voice, sweet as a
seraph's:

“A penny for your thoughts, my fine fellow.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXIV. A PHILANTHROPIST UNDERTAKES TO CONVERT A MISANTHROPE, BUT DOES NOT GET BEYOND CONFUTING HIM.

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Hands off!” cried the bachelor, involuntarily covering
dejection with moroseness.

“Hands off? that sort of label won't do in our Fair.
Whoever in our Fair has fine feelings loves to feel the
nap of fine cloth, especially when a fine fellow wears
it.”

“And who of my fine-fellow species may you be?
From the Brazils, ain't you? Toucan fowl. Fine feathers
on foul meat.”

This ungentle mention of the toucan was not improbably
suggested by the parti-hued, and rather plumagy
aspect of the stranger, no bigot it would seem, but a
liberalist, in dress, and whose wardrobe, almost anywhere
than on the liberal Mississippi, used to all sorts of fantastic
informalities, might, even to observers less critical
than the bachelor, have looked, if anything, a little out
of the common; but not more so perhaps, than, considering
the bear and raccoon costume, the bachelor's
own appearance. In short, the stranger sported a vesture
barred with various hues, that of the cochineal

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predominating, in style participating of a Highland
plaid, Emir's robe, and French blouse; from its plaited
sort of front peeped glimpses of a flowered regatta-shirt,
while, for the rest, white trowsers of ample duck flowed
over maroon-colored slippers, and a jaunty smoking-cap
of regal purple crowned him off at top; king of traveled
good-fellows, evidently. Grotesque as all was, nothing
looked stiff or unused; all showed signs of easy service,
the least wonted thing setting like a wonted glove.
That genial hand, which had just been laid on the ungenial
shoulder, was now carelessly thrust down before
him, sailor-fashion, into a sort of Indian belt, confining
the redundant vesture; the other held, by its long bright
cherry-stem, a Nuremburgh pipe in blast, its great porcelain
bowl painted in miniature with linked crests and
arms of interlinked nations—a florid show. As by
subtle saturations of its mellowing essence the tobacco
had ripened the bowl, so it looked as if something similar
of the interior spirit came rosily out on the cheek. But
rosy pipe-bowl, or rosy countenance, all was lost on
that unrosy man, the bachelor, who, waiting a moment
till the commotion, caused by the boat's renewed progress,
had a little abated, thus continued:

“Hark ye,” jeeringly eying the cap and belt, “did
you ever see Signor Marzetti in the African pantomime?”

“No;—good performer?”

“Excellent; plays the intelligent ape till he seems it.
With such naturalness can a being endowed with an
immortal spirit enter into that of a monkey. But

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where's your tail? In the pantomime, Marzetti, no
hypocrite in his monkery, prides himself on that.”

The stranger, now at rest, sideways and genially, on
one hip, his right leg cavalierly crossed before the other,
the toe of his vertical slipper pointed easily down on the
deck, whiffed out a long, leisurely sort of indifferent and
charitable puff, betokening him more or less of the mature
man of the world, a character which, like its opposite,
the sincere Christian's, is not always swift to take
offense; and then, drawing near, still smoking, again
laid his hand, this time with mild impressiveness, on the
ursine shoulder, and not unamiably said: “That in your
address there is a sufficiency of the fortiter in re few unbiased
observers will question; but that this is duly
attempered with the suaviter in modo may admit, I think,
of an honest doubt. My dear fellow,” beaming his eyes
full upon him, “what injury have I done you, that
you should receive my greeting with a curtailed civility?”

“Off hands;” once more shaking the friendly member
from him. “Who in the name of the great chimpanzee,
in whose likeness, you, Marzetti, and the other chatterers
are made, who in thunder are you?”

“A cosmopolitan, a catholic man; who, being such,
ties himself to no narrow tailor or teacher, but federates,
in heart as in costume, something of the various gallantries
of men under various suns. Oh, one roams not
over the gallant globe in vain. Bred by it, is a fraternal
and fusing feeling. No man is a stranger. You accost
anybody. Warm and confiding, you wait not for

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measured advances. And though, indeed, mine, in this instance,
have met with no very hilarious encouragement,
yet the principle of a true citizen of the world is still to
return good for ill.—My dear fellow, tell me how I can
serve you.”

“By dispatching yourself, Mr. Popinjay-of-the-world,
into the heart of the Lunar Mountains. You are another
of them. Out of my sight!”

“Is the sight of humanity so very disagreeable to you
then? Ah, I may be foolish, but for my part, in all its
aspects, I love it. Served up à la Pole, or à la Moor, à la
Ladrone, or à la Yankee, that good dish, man, still delights
me; or rather is man a wine I never weary of
comparing and sipping; wherefore am I a pledged cosmopolitan,
a sort of London-Dock-Vault connoisseur,
going about from Teheran to Natchitoches, a taster of
races; in all his vintages, smacking my lips over this racy
creature, man, continually. But as there are teetotal
palates which have a distaste even for Amontillado, so I
suppose there may be teetotal souls which relish not
even the very best brands of humanity. Excuse me,
but it just occurs to me that you, my dear fellow, possibly
lead a solitary life.”

“Solitary?” starting as at a touch of divination.

“Yes: in a solitary life one insensibly contracts oddities,—
talking to one's self now.”

“Been eaves-dropping, eh?”

“Why, a soliloquist in a crowd can hardly but be
overheard, and without much reproach to the hearer.”

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“You are an eaves-dropper.”

“Well. Be it so.”

“Confess yourself an eaves-dropper?”

“I confess that when you were muttering here I, passing
by, caught a word or two, and, by like chance,
something previous of your chat with the Intelligence-office
man;—a rather sensible fellow, by the way;
much of my style of thinking; would, for his own sake,
he were of my style of dress. Grief to good minds, to
see a man of superior sense forced to hide his light
under the bushel of an inferior coat.—Well, from what
little I heard, I said to myself, Here now is one with the
unprofitable philosophy of disesteem for man. Which
disease, in the main, I have observed—excuse me—to
spring from a certain lowness, if not sourness, of spirits
inseparable from sequestration. Trust me, one had better
mix in, and do like others. Sad business, this holding
out against having a good time. Life is a pic-nic en
costume;
one must take a part, assume a character, stand
ready in a sensible way to play the fool. To come in
plain clothes, with a long face, as a wiseacre, only makes
one a discomfort to himself, and a blot upon the scene.
Like your jug of cold water among the wine-flasks, it
leaves you unelated among the elated ones. No, no.
This austerity won't do. Let me tell you too—en confiance
that while revelry may not always merge into
ebriety, soberness, in too deep potations, may become a
sort of sottishness. Which sober sottishness, in my
way of thinking, is only to be cured by beginning at the
other end of the horn, to tipple a little.”

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“Pray, what society of vintners and old topers are
you hired to lecture for?”

“I fear I did not give my meaning clearly. A little
story may help. The story of the worthy old woman
of Goshen, a very moral old woman, who wouldn't let
her shoats eat fattening apples in fall, for fear the fruit
might ferment upon their brains, and so make them
swinish. Now, during a green Christmas, inauspicious
to the old, this worthy old woman fell into a moping
decline, took to her bed, no appetite, and refused to
see her best friends. In much concern her good man
sent for the doctor, who, after seeing the patient and
putting a question or two, beckoned the husband out,
and said: `Deacon, do you want her cured? `Indeed I
do.' `Go directly, then, and buy a jug of Santa Cruz.'
`Santa Cruz? my wife drink Santa Cruz?' `Either that
or die.' `But how much?' `As much as she can get
down.' `But she'll get drunk!' `That's the cure.'
Wise men, like doctors, must be obeyed. Much against
the grain, the sober deacon got the unsober medicine,
and, equally against her conscience, the poor old woman
took it; but, by so doing, ere long recovered health and
spirits, famous appetite, and glad again to see her
friends; and having by this experience broken the ice of
arid abstinence, never afterwards kept herself a cup too
low.”

This story had the effect of surprising the bachelor
into interest, though hardly into approval.

“If I take your parable right,” said he, sinking no
little of his former churlishness, “the meaning is, that

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one cannot enjoy life with gusto unless he renounce
the too-sober view of life. But since the too-sober
view is, doubtless, nearer true than the too-drunken; I,
who rate truth, though cold water, above untruth, though
Tokay, will stick to my earthen jug.”

“I see,” slowly spirting upward a spiral staircase of
lazy smoke, “I see; you go in for the lofty.”

“How?”

“Oh, nothing! but if I wasn't afraid of prosing, I
might tell another story about an old boot in a pieman's
loft, contracting there between sun and oven an
unseemly, dry-seasoned curl and warp. You've seen such
leathery old garretteers, haven't you? Very high, sober,
solitary, philosophic, grand, old boots, indeed; but I, for
my part, would rather be the pieman's trodden slipper
on the ground. Talking of piemen, humble-pie before
proud-cake for me. This notion of being lone and lofty
is a sad mistake. Men I hold in this respect to be like
roosters; the one that betakes himself to a lone and
lofty perch is the hen-pecked one, or the one that has
the pip.”

“You are abusive!” cried the bachelor, evidently
touched.

“Who is abused? You, or the race? You won't
stand by and see the human race abused? Oh, then,
you have some respect for the human race.”

“I have some respect for myself,” with a lip not so
firm as before.

“And what race may you belong to? now don't you
see, my dear fellow, in what inconsistencies one involves

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himself by affecting disesteem for men. To a charm, my
little stratagem succeeded. Come, come, think better
of it, and, as a first step to a new mind, give up solitude.
I fear, by the way, you have at some time been reading
Zimmermann, that old Mr. Megrims of a Zimmermann,
whose book on Solitude is as vain as Hume's on Suicide,
as Bacon's on Knowledge; and, like these, will betray
him who seeks to steer soul and body by it, like a false
religion. All they, be they what boasted ones you
please, who, to the yearning of our kind after a founded
rule of content, offer aught not in the spirit of fellowly
gladness based on due confidence in what is above,
away with them for poor dupes, or still poorer impostors.”

His manner here was so earnest that scarcely any
auditor, perhaps, but would have been more or less
impressed by it, while, possibly, nervous opponents might
have a little quailed under it. Thinking within himself
a moment, the bachelor replied: “Had you experience,
you would know that your tippling theory, take it in
what sense you will, is poor as any other. And Rabelais's
pro-wine Koran no more trustworthy than Mahomet's
anti-wine one.”

“Enough,” for a finality knocking the ashes from his
pipe, “we talk and keep talking, and still stand where
we did. What do you say for a walk? My arm, and
let's a turn. They are to have dancing on the hurricanedeck
to-night. I shall fling them off a Scotch jig, while, to
save the pieces, you hold my loose change; and following
that, I propose that you, my dear fellow, stack your

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gun, and throw your bearskins in a sailor's hornpipe—I
holding your watch. What do you say?”

At this proposition the other was himself again, all
raccoon.

“Look you,” thumping down his rifle, “are you
Jeremy Diddler No. 3?”

“Jeremy Diddler? I have have heard of Jeremy the
prophet, and Jeremy Taylor the divine, but your other
Jeremy is a gentleman I am unacquainted with.”

“You are his confidential clerk, ain't you?”

Whose, pray? Not that I think myself unworthy of
being confided in, but I don't understand.”

“You are another of them. Somehow I meet with
the most extraordinary metaphysical scamps to-day.
Sort of visitation of them. And yet that herb-doctor
Diddler somehow takes off the raw edge of the Diddlers
that come after him.”

“Herb-doctor? who is he?”

“Like you—another of them.”

Who?” Then drawing near, as if for a good long
explanatory chat, his left hand spread, and his pipe-stem
coming crosswise down upon it like a ferule, “You
think amiss of me. Now to undeceive you, I will just
enter into a little argument and—”

“No you don't. No more little arguments for me.
Had too many little arguments to-day.”

“But put a case. Can you deny—I dare you to
deny—that the man leading a solitary life is peculiarly
exposed to the sorriest misconceptions touching strangers?”

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“Yes, I do deny it,” again, in his impulsiveness, snapping
at the controversial bait, “and I will confute
you there in a trice. Look, you—”

“Now, now, now, my dear fellow,” thrusting out
both vertical palms for double shields, “you crowd me
too hard. You don't give one a chance. Say what you
will, to shun a social proposition like mine, to shun
society in any way, evinces a churlish nature—cold, loveless;
as, to embrace it, shows one warm and friendly,
in fact, sunshiny.”

Here the other, all agog again, in his perverse way,
launched forth into the unkindest references to deaf old
worldlings keeping in the deafening world; and gouty
gluttons limping to their gouty gormandizings; and
corseted coquets clasping their corseted cavaliers in the
waltz, all for disinterested society's sake; and thousands,
bankrupt through lavishness, ruining themselves out of
pure love of the sweet company of man—no envies,
rivalries, or other unhandsome motive to it.

“Ah, now,” deprecating with his pipe, “irony is so
unjust; never could abide irony; something Satanic about
irony. God defend me from Irony, and Satire, his bosom
friend.”

“A right knave's prayer, and a right fool's, too,” snaping
his rifle-lock.

“Now be frank. Own that was a little gratuitous.
But, no, no, you didn't mean; it any way, I can make
allowances. Ah, did you but know it, how much pleasanter
to puff at this philanthropic pipe, than still to keep
fumbling at that misanthropic rifle. As for your

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worldlingg, lutton, and coquette, though, doubtless, being
such, they may have their little foibles—as who has
not?—yet not one of the three can be reproached with
that awful sin of shunning society; awful I call it, for
not seldom it presupposes a still darker thing than
itself—remorse.”

“Remorse drives man away from man? How came
your fellow-creature, Cain, after the first murder, to go
and build the first city? And why is it that the
modern Cain dreads nothing so much as solitary confinement?

“My dear fellow, you get excited. Say what you
will, I for one must have my fellow-creatures round me.
Thick, too—I must have them thick.”

“The pick-pocket, too, loves to have his fellow-creatures
round him. Tut, man! no one goes into the crowd
but for his end; and the end of too many is the same as
the pick-pocket's—a purse.”

“Now, my dear fellow, how can you have the conscience
to say that, when it is as much according to
natural law that men are social as sheep gregarious.
But grant that, in being social, each man has his end,
do you, upon the strength of that, do you yourself, I
say, mix with man, now, immediately, and be your
end a more genial philosophy. Come, let's take a
turn.”

Again he offered his fraternal arm; but the bachelor
once more flung it off, and, raising his rifle in energetic
invocation, cried: “Now the high-constable catch and
confound all knaves in towns and rats in grain-bins, and

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if in this boat, which is a human grain-bin for the time,
any sly, smooth, philandering rat be dodging now, pin
him, thou high rat-catcher, against this rail.”

“A noble burst! shows you at heart a trump. And
when a card's that, little matters it whether it be spade
or diamond. You are good wine that, to be still better,
only needs a shaking up. Come, let's agree that we'll
to New Orleans, and there embark for London—I staying
with my friends nigh Primrose-hill, and you putting
up at the Piazza, Covent Garden—Piazza, Covent Garden;
for tell me—since you will not be a disciple
to the full—tell me, was not that humor, of Diogenes,
which led him to live, a merry-andrew, in the flowermarket,
better than that of the less wise Athenian,
which made him a skulking scare-crow in pine-barrens?
An injudicious gentleman, Lord Timon.”

“Your hand!” seizing it.

“Bless me, how cordial a squeeze. It is agreed we
shall be brothers, then?”

“As much so as a brace of misanthropes can be,”
with another and terrific squeeze. “I had thought that
the moderns had degenerated beneath the capacity of
misanthropy. Rejoiced, though but in one instance,
and that disguised, to be undeceived.”

The other stared in blank amaze.

“Won't do. You are Diogenes, Diogenes in disguise.
I say—Diogenes masquerading as a cosmopolitan.”

With ruefully altered mien, the stranger still stood mute
awhile. At length, in a pained tone, spoke: “How hard
the lot of that pleader who, in his zeal conceding too

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much, is taken to belong to a side which he but labors,
however ineffectually, to convert!” Then with another
change of air: “To you, an Ishmael, disguising
in sportiveness my intent, I came ambassador from the
human race, charged with the assurance that for your
mislike they bore no answering grudge, but sought to
conciliate accord between you and them. Yet you take
me not for the honest envoy, but I know not what sort
of unheard-of spy. Sir,” he less lowly added, “this
mistaking of your man should teach you how you may
mistake all men. For God's sake,” laying both hands
upon him, “get you confidence. See how distrust has
duped you. I, Diogenes? I he who, going a step
beyond misanthropy, was less a man-hater than a manhooter?
Better were I stark and stiff!”

With which the philanthropist moved away less
lightsome than he had come, leaving the discomfited
misanthrope to the solitude he held so sapient.

-- --

CHAPTER XXV. THE COSMOPOLITAN MAKES AN ACQUAINTANCE.

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In the act of retiring, the cosmopolitan was met by a
passenger, who, with the bluff abord of the West, thus
addressed him, though a stranger.

“Queer 'coon, your friend. Had a little skrimmage
with him myself. Rather entertaining old 'coon, if he
wasn't so deuced analytical. Reminded me somehow of
what I've heard about Colonel John Moredock, of Illinois,
only your friend ain't quite so good a fellow at
bottom, I should think.”

It was in the semicircular porch of a cabin, opening
a recess from the deck, lit by a zoned lamp swung overhead,
and sending its light vertically down, like the sun
at noon. Beneath the lamp stood the speaker, affording
to any one disposed to it no unfavorable chance for
scrutiny; but the glance now resting on him betrayed
no such rudeness.

A man neither tall nor stout, neither short nor gaunt;
but with a body fitted, as by measure, to the service of
his mind. For the rest, one less favored perhaps in his
features than his clothes; and of these the beauty may
have been less in the fit than the cut; to say nothing of

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the fineness of the nap, seeming out of keeping with
something the reverse of fine in the skin; and the unsuitableness
of a violet vest, sending up sunset hues to
a countenance betokening a kind of bilious habit.

But, upon the whole, it could not be fairly said that
his appearance was unprepossessing; indeed, to the congenial,
it would have been doubtless not uncongenial;
while to others, it could not fail to be at least curiously
interesting, from the warm air of florid cordiality, contrasting
itself with one knows not what kind of aguish
sallowness of saving discretion lurking behind it. Ungracious
critics might have thought that the manner
flushed the man, something in the same fictitious way
that the vest flushed the cheek. And though his teeth
were singularly good, those same ungracious ones might
have hinted that they were too good to be true; or rather,
were not so good as they might be; since the best
false teeth are those made with at least two or three
blemishes, the more to look like life. But fortunately
for better constructions, no such critics had the stranger
now in eye; only the cosmopolitan, who, after, in the
first place, acknowledging his advances with a mute salute—
in which acknowledgment, if there seemed less of
spirit than in his way of accosting the Missourian, it was
probably because of the saddening sequel of that late interview—
thus now replied: “Colonel John Moredock,”
repeating the words abstractedly; “that surname recalls
reminiscences. Pray,” with enlivened air, “was he
anyway connected with the Moredocks of Moredock
Hall, Northamptonshire, England?”

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“I know no more of the Moredocks of Moredock Hall
than of the Burdocks of Burdock Hut,” returned the
other, with the air somehow of one whose fortunes had
been of his own making; “all I know is, that the late
Colonel John Moredock was a famous one in his time;
eye like Lochiel's; finger like a trigger; nerve like a catamount's;
and with but two little oddities—seldom stirred
without his rifle, and hated Indians like snakes.”

“Your Moredock, then, would seem a Moredock of
Misanthrope Hall—the Woods. No very sleek creature,
the colonel, I fancy.”

“Sleek or not, he was no uncombed one, but silky
bearded and curly headed, and to all but Indians juicy
as a peach. But Indians—how the late Colonel John
Moredock, Indian-hater of Illinois, did hate Indians, to
be sure!”

“Never heard of such a thing. Hate Indians? Why
should he or anybody else hate Indians? I admire
Indians. Indians I have always heard to be one of the
finest of the primitive races, possessed of many heroic
virtues. Some noble women, too. When I think of
Pocahontas, I am ready to love Indians. Then there's
Massasoit, and Philip of Mount Hope, and Tecumseh,
and Red-Jacket, and Logan—all heroes; and there's the
Five Nations, and Araucanians—federations and communities
of heroes. God bless me; hate Indians? Surely
the late Colonel John Moredock must have wandered in
his mind.”

“Wandered in the woods considerably, but never
wandered elsewhere, that I ever heard.”

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“Are you in earnest? Was there ever one who so
made it his particular mission to hate Indians that, to
designate him, a special word has been coined—Indian-hater?”

“Even so.”

“Dear me, you take it very calmly.—But really, I
would like to know something about this Indian-hating.
I can hardly believe such a thing to be. Could you
favor me with a little history of the extraordinary man
you mentioned?”

“With all my heart,” and immediately stepping from
the porch, gestured the cosmopolitan to a settee near
by, on deck. “There, sir, sit you there, and I will sit
here beside you—you desire to hear of Colonel John
Moredock. Well, a day in my boyhood is marked with
a white stone—the day I saw the colonel's rifle, powder-horn
attached, hanging in a cabin on the West bank
of the Wabash river. I was going westward a long journey
through the wilderness with my father. It was
nigh noon, and we had stopped at the cabin to unsaddle
and bait. The man at the cabin pointed out the rifle, and
told whose it was, adding that the colonel was that
moment sleeping on wolf-skins in the corn-loft above,
so we must not talk very loud, for the colonel had been
out all night hunting (Indians, mind), and it would be
cruel to disturb his sleep. Curious to see one so famous,
we waited two hours over, in hopes he would come
forth; but he did not. So, it being necessary to get to
the next cabin before nightfall, we had at last to ride off
without the wished-for satisfaction. Though, to tell the

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truth, I, for one, did not go away entirely ungratified,
for, while my father was watering the horses, I slipped
back into the cabin, and stepping a round or two up the
ladder, pushed my head through the trap, and peered
about. Not much light in the loft; but off, in the further
corner, I saw what I took to be the wolf-skins, and
on them a bundle of something, like a drift of leaves;
and at one end, what seemed a moss-ball; and over it,
deer-antlers branched; and close by, a small squirrel
sprang out from a maple-bowl of nuts, brushed the moss-ball
with his tail, through a hole, and vanished, squeaking.
That bit of woodland scene was all I saw. No
Colonel Moredock there, unless that moss-ball was his
curly head, seen in the back view. I would have gone
clear up, but the man below had warned me, that
though, from his camping habits, the colonel could sleep
through thunder, he was for the same cause amazing
quick to waken at the sound of footsteps, however soft,
and especially if human.”

“Excuse me,” said the other, softly laying his hand
on the narrator's wrist, “but I fear the colonel was of
a distrustful nature—little or no confidence. He was a
little suspicious-minded, wasn't he?”

“Not a bit. Knew too much. Suspected nobody,
but was not ignorant of Indians. Well: though, as
you may gather, I never fully saw the man, yet, have I,
one way and another, heard about as much of him as
any other; in particular, have I heard his history again
and again from my father's friend, James Hall, the judge,
you know. In every company being called upon to

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give this history, which none could better do, the judge
at last fell into a style so methodic, you would have
thought he spoke less to mere auditors than to an invisible
amanuensis; seemed talking for the press; very impressive
way with him indeed. And I, having an equally
impressible memory, think that, upon a pinch, I can
render you the judge upon the colonel almost word for
word.”

“Do so, by all means,” said the cosmopolitan, well
pleased.

“Shall I give you the judge's philosophy, and all?”

“As to that,” rejoined the other gravely, pausing over
the pipe-bowl he was filling, “the desirableness, to a
man of a certain mind, of having another man's philosophy
given, depends considerably upon what school of
philosophy that other man belongs to. Of what school
or system was the judge, pray?”

“Why, though he knew how to read and write, the
judge never had much schooling. But, I should say he
belonged, if anything, to the free-school system. Yes, a
true patriot, the judge went in strong for free-schools.”

“In philosophy? The man of a certain mind, then,
while respecting the judge's patriotism, and not blind
to the judge's capacity for narrative, such as he may
prove to have, might, perhaps, with prudence, waive an
opinion of the judge's probable philosophy. But I am
no rigorist; proceed, I beg; his philosophy or not, as
you please.”

“Well, I would mostly skip that part, only, to begin,
some reconnoitering of the ground in a philosophical

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way the judge always deemed indispensable with strangers.
For you must know that Indian-hating was no
monopoly of Colonel Moredock's; but a passion, in one
form or other, and to a degree, greater or less, largely
shared among the class to which he belonged. And
Indian-hating still exists; and, no doubt, will continue
to exist, so long as Indians do. Indian-hating, then,
shall be my first theme, and Colonel Moredock, the Indian-hater,
my next and last.”

With which the stranger, settling himself in his seat,
commenced—the hearer paying marked regard, slowly
smoking, his glance, meanwhile, steadfastly abstracted
towards the deck, but his right ear so disposed towards
the speaker that each word came through as little atmospheric
intervention as possible. To intensify the
sense of hearing, he seemed to sink the sense of sight.
No complaisance of mere speech could have been so
flattering, or expressed such striking politeness as this
mute eloquence of thoroughly digesting attention.

-- --

CHAPTER XXVI. CONTAINING THE METAPHYSICS OF INDIAN-HATING, ACCORDING TO THE VIEWS OF ONE EVIDENTLY NOT SO PREPOSSESSED AS ROUSSEAU IN FAVOR OF SAVAGES.

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The judge always began in these words: `The
backwoodsman's hatred of the Indian has been a topic
for some remark. In the earlier times of the frontier
the passion was thought to be readily accounted for.
But Indian rapine having mostly ceased through regions
where it once prevailed, the philanthropist is surprised
that Indian-hating has not in like degree ceased with it.
He wonders why the backwoodsman still regards the
red man in much the same spirit that a jury does a
murderer, or a trapper a wild cat—a creature, in whose
behalf mercy were not wisdom; truce is vain; he must
be executed.

“`A curious point,' the judge would continue, `which
perhaps not everybody, even upon explanation, may fully
understand; while, in order for any one to approach to
an understanding, it is necessary for him to learn, or if
he already know, to bear in mind, what manner of man
the backwoodsman is; as for what manner of man the
Indian is, many know, either from history or experience.

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“`The backwoodsman is a lonely man. He is a thoughtful
man. He is a man strong and unsophisticated. Impulsive,
he is what some might call unprincipled. At
any rate, he is self-willed; being one who less hearkens
to what others may say about things, than looks for
himself, to see what are things themselves. If in straits,
there are few to help; he must depend upon himself;
he must continually look to himself. Hence self-reliance,
to the degree of standing by his own judgment,
though it stand alone. Not that he deems himself
infallible; too many mistakes in following trails prove
the contrary; but he thinks that nature destines such
sagacity as she has given him, as she destines it to the
'possum. To these fellow-beings of the wilds their
untutored sagacity is their best dependence. If with
either it prove faulty, if the 'possum's betray it to the
trap, or the backwoodsman's mislead him into ambuscade,
there are consequences to be undergone, but no selfblame.
As with the 'possum, instincts prevail with
the backwoodsman over precepts. Like the 'possum,
the backwoodsman presents the spectacle of a creature
dwelling exclusively among the works of God, yet
these, truth must confess, breed little in him of a godly
mind. Small bowing and scraping is his, further than
when with bent knee he points his rifle, or picks its
flint. With few companions, solitude by necessity his
lengthened lot, he stands the trial—no slight one, since,
next to dying, solitude, rightly borne, is perhaps of for
titude the most rigorous test. But not merely is the
backwoodsman content to be alone, but in no few cases

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is anxious to be so. The sight of smoke ten miles off is
provocation to one more remove from man, one step
deeper into nature. Is it that he feels that whatever man
may be, man is not the universe? that glory, beauty,
kindness, are not all engrossed by him? that as the
presence of man frights birds away, so, many bird-like
thoughts? Be that how it will, the backwoodsman is
not without some fineness to his nature. Hairy Orson as
he looks, it may be with him as with the Shetland seal—
beneath the bristles lurks the fur.

“`Though held in a sort a barbarian, the backwoodsman
would seem to America what Alexander was to
Asia—captain in the vanguard of conquering civilization.
Whatever the nation's growing opulence or power, does
it not lackey his heels? Pathfinder, provider of security
to those who come after him, for himself he asks
nothing but hardship. Worthy to be compared with
Moses in the Exodus, or the Emperor Julian in Gaul,
who on foot, and bare-browed, at the head of covered
or mounted legions, marched so through the elements,
day after day. The tide of emigration, let it roll as it
will, never overwhelms the backwoodsman into itself;
he rides upon advance, as the Polynesian upon the comb
of the surf.

“`Thus, though he keep moving on through life, he
maintains with respect to nature much the same unaltered
relation throughout; with her creatures, too,
including panthers and Indians. Hence, it is not
unlikely that, accurate as the theory of the Peace Congress
may be with respect to those two varieties of

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beings, among others, yet the backwoodsman might be
qualified to throw out some practical suggestions.

“`As the child born to a backwoodsman must in turn
lead his father's life—a life which, as related to humanity,
is related mainly to Indians—it is thought best
not to mince matters, out of delicacy; but to tell the boy
pretty plainly what an Indian is, and what he must expect
from him. For however charitable it may be to
view Indians as members of the Society of Friends, yet
to affirm them such to one ignorant of Indians, whose
lonely path lies a long way through their lands, this, in
the event, might prove not only injudicious but cruel.
At least something of this kind would seem the maxim
upon which backswoods' education is based. Accordingly,
if in youth the backwoodsman incline to knowledge,
as is generally the case, he hears little from his
schoolmasters, the old chroniclers of the forest, but histories
of Indian lying, Indian theft, Indian doubledealing,
Indian fraud and perfidy, Indian want of
conscience, Indian blood-thirstiness, Indian diabolism—
histories which, though of wild woods, are almost as
full of things unangelic as the Newgate Calendar or the
Annals of Europe. In these Indian narratives and traditions
the lad is thoroughly grounded. “As the twig
is bent the tree's inclined.” The instinct of antipathy
against an Indian grows in the backwoodsman with the
sense of good and bad, right and wrong. In one breath
he learns that a brother is to be loved, and an Indian to
be hated.

“`Such are the facts,' the judge would say, `upon

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which, if one seek to moralize, he must do so with an
eye to them. It is terrible that one creature should so
regard another, should make it conscience to abhor an
entire race. It is terrible; but is it surprising? Surprising,
that one should hate a race which he believes to
be red from a cause akin to that which makes some tribes
of garden insects green? A race whose name is upon
the frontier a memento mori; painted to him in every evil
light; now a horse-thief like those in Moyamensing;
now an assassin like a New York rowdy; now a treatybreaker
like an Austrian; now a Palmer with poisoned
arrows; now a judicial murderer and Jeffries, after a
fierce farce of trial condemning his victim to bloody
death; or a Jew with hospitable speeches cozening
some fainting stranger into ambuscade, there to burk
him, and account it a deed grateful to Manitou, his god.

“`Still, all this is less advanced as truths of the Indians
than as examples of the backwoodsman's impression of
them—in which the charitable may think he does them
some injustice. Certain it is, the Indians themselves
think so; quite unanimously, too. The Indians, in
deed, protest against the backwoodsman's view of
them; and some think that one cause of their returning
his antipathy so sincerely as they do, is their moral indignation
at being so libeled by him, as they really believe
and say. But whether, on this or any point, the
Indians should be permitted to testify for themselves,
to the exclusion of other testimony, is a question that
may be left to the Supreme Court. At any rate, it has
been observed that when an Indian becomes a genuine

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proselyte to Christianity (such cases, however, not being
very many; though, indeed, entire tribes are sometimes
nominally brought to the true light,) he will not in that
case conceal his enlightened conviction, that his race's
portion by nature is total depravity; and, in that way,
as much as admits that the backwoodsman's worst idea
of it is not very far from true; while, on the other hand,
those red men who are the greatest sticklers for the
theory of Indian virtue, and Indian loving-kindness, are
sometimes the arrantest horse-thieves and tomahawkers
among them. So, at least, avers the backwoodsman.
And though, knowing the Indian nature, as he thinks he
does, he fancies he is not ignorant that an Indian may
in some points deceive himself almost as effectually as in
bush-tactics he can another, yet his theory and his practice
as above contrasted seem to involve an inconsistency
so extreme, that the backwoodsman only accounts for it
on the supposition that when a tomahawking red-man
advances the notion of the benignity of the red race, it
it but part and parcel with that subtle strategy which
he finds so useful in war, in hunting, and the general
conduct of life.'

“In further explanation of that deep abhorrence with
which the backwoodsman regards the savage, the judge
used to think it might perhaps a little help, to consider
what kind of stimulus to it is furnished in those forest
histories and traditions before spoken of. In which behalf,
he would tell the story of the little colony of
Wrights and Weavers, originally seven cousins from Virginia,
who, after successive removals with their families,

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at last established themselves near the southern frontier
of the Bloody Ground, Kentucky: `They were strong,
brave men; but, unlike many of the pioneers in those
days, theirs was no love of conflict for conflict's sake.
Step by step they had been lured to their lonely restingplace
by the ever-beckoning seductions of a fertile and
virgin land, with a singular exemption, during the march,
from Indian molestation. But clearings made and
houses built, the bright shield was soon to turn its other
side. After repeated persecutions and eventual hostilities,
forced on them by a dwindled tribe in their neighborhood—
persecutions resulting in loss of crops and
cattle; hostilities in which they lost two of their number,
illy to be spared, besides others getting painful
wounds—the five remaining cousins made, with some
serious concessions, a kind of treaty with Mocmohoc,
the chief—being to this induced by the harryings of
the enemy, leaving them no peace. But they were
further prompted, indeed, first incited, by the suddenly
changed ways of Mocmohoc, who, though hitherto
deemed a savage almost perfidious as Cæsar Borgia, yet
now put on a seeming the reverse of this, engaging to
bury the hatchet, smoke the pipe, and be friends forever;
not friends in the mere sense of renouncing
enmity, but in the sense of kindliness, active and familiar.

“`But what the chief now seemed, did not wholly
blind them to what the chief had been; so that, though
in no small degree influenced by his change of bearing,
they still distrusted him enough to covenant with him,

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among other articles on their side, that though friendly
visits should be exchanged between the wigwams and
the cabins, yet the five cousins should never, on any
account, be expected to enter the chief's lodge together.
The intention was, though they reserved it, that if ever,
under the guise of amity, the chief should mean them
mischief, and effect it, it should be but partially; so that
some of the five might survive, not only for their families'
sake, but also for retribution's. Nevertheless, Mocmohoc
did, upon a time, with such fine art and pleasing
carriage win their confidence, that he brought them
all together to a feast of bear's meat, and there, by stratagem,
ended them. Years after, over their calcined bones
and those of all their families, the chief, reproached for
his treachery by a proud hunter whom he had made captive,
jeered out, “Treachery? pale face! 'Twas they
who broke their covenant first, in coming all together;
they that broke it first, in trusting Mocmohoc.'”

“At this point the judge would pause, and lifting his
hand, and rolling his eyes, exclaim in a solemn enough
voice, `Circling wiles and bloody lusts. The acuteness
and genius of the chief but make him the more atrocious.
'

“After another pause, he would begin an imaginary
kind of dialogue between a backwoodsman and a questioner:

“`But are all Indians like Mocmohoc?—Not all have
proved such; but in the least harmful may lie his germ.
There is an Indian nature. “Indian blood is in me,” is the
half-breed's threat.—But are not some Indians kind?—

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Yes, but kind Indians are mostly lazy, and reputed simple—
at all events, are seldom chiefs; chiefs among the
red men being taken from the active, and those accounted
wise. Hence, with small promotion, kind Indians
have but proportionate influence. And kind
Indians may be forced to do unkind biddings. So “beware
the Indian, kind or unkind,” said Daniel Boone, who
lost his sons by them.—But, have all you backwoodsmen
been some way victimized by Indians?—No.—Well,
and in certain cases may not at least some few of you be
favored by them?—Yes, but scarce one among us so
self-important, or so selfish-minded, as to hold his personal
exemption from Indian outrage such a set-off
against the contrary experience of so many others, as
that he must needs, in a general way, think well of Indians;
or, if he do, an arrow in his flank might suggest a
pertinent doubt.

“`In short,' according to the judge, `if we at all credit
the backwoodsman, his feeling against Indians, to be
taken aright, must be considered as being not so much
on his own account as on others', or jointly on both
accounts. True it is, scarce a family he knows but some
member of it, or connection, has been by Indians maimed
or scalped. What avails, then, that some one Indian, or
some two or three, treat a backwoodsman friendly-like?
He fears me, he thinks. Take my rifle from me, give
him motive, and what will come? Or if not so, how
know I what involuntary preparations may be going
on in him for things as unbeknown in present time to
him as me—a sort of chemical preparation in the soul

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for malice, as chemical preparation in the body for
malady.'

“Not that the backwoodsman ever used those words,
you see, but the judge found him expression for his
meaning. And this point he would conclude with saying,
that, `what is called a “friendly Indian” is a very rare
sort of creature; and well it was so, for no ruthlessness
exceeds that of a “friendly Indian” turned enemy.
A coward friend, he makes a valiant foe.

“`But, thus far the passion in question has been
viewed in a general way as that of a community. When
to his due share of this the backwoodsman adds his private
passion, we have then the stock out of which is
formed, if formed at all, the Indian-hater par excellence.
'

“The Indian-hater par excellence the judge defined to
be one `who, having with his mother's milk drank in
small love for red men, in youth or early manhood, ere
the sensibilities become osseous, receives at their hand
some signal outrage, or, which in effect is much the same,
some of his kin have, or some friend. Now, nature
all around him by her solitudes wooing or bidding him
muse upon this matter, he accordingly does so, till the
thought develops such attraction, that much as straggling
vapors troop from all sides to a storm-cloud, so
straggling thoughts of other outrages troop to the nucleus
thought, assimilate with it, and swell it. At last,
taking counsel with the elements, he comes to his resolution.
An intenser Hannibal, he makes a vow, the hate
of which is a vortex from whose suction scarce the

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remotest chip of the guilty race may reasonably feel
secure. Next, he declares himself and settles his temporal
affairs. With the solemnity of a Spaniard turned
monk, he takes leave of his kin; or rather, these leavetakings
have something of the still more impressive
finality of death-bed adieus. Last, he commits himself
to the forest primeval; there, so long as life shall be his,
to act upon a calm, cloistered scheme of strategical, implacable,
and lonesome vengeance. Ever on the noiseless
trail; cool, collected, patient; less seen than felt;
snuffing, smelling—a Leather-stocking Nemesis. In the
settlements he will not be seen again; in eyes of old
companions tears may start at some chance thing that
speaks of him; but they never look for him, nor call;
they know he will not come. Suns and seasons fleet;
the tiger-lily blows and falls; babes are born and leap in
their mothers' arms; but, the Indian-hater is good as
gone to his long home, and “Terror” is his epitaph.'

“Here the judge, not unaffected, would pause again,
but presently resume: `How evident that in strict speech
there can be no biography of an Indian-hater par excel
lence,
any more than one of a sword-fish, or other deepsea
denizen; or, which is still less imaginable, one of a
dead man. The career of the Indian-hater par excellence
has the impenetrability of the fate of a lost steamer.
Doubtless, events, terrible ones, have happened, must
have happened; but the powers that be in nature have
taken order that they shall never becomes news.

“`But, luckily for the curious, there is a species of diluted
Indian-hater, one whose heart proves not so steely

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as his brain. Soft enticements of domestic life too
often draw him from the ascetic trail; a monk who
apostatizes to the world at times. Like a mariner, too,
though much abroad, he may have a wife and family in
some green harbor which he does not forget. It is with
him as with the Papist converts in Senegal; fasting and
mortification prove hard to bear.'

“The judge, with his usual judgment, always thought
that the intense solitude to which the Indian-hater consigns
himself, has, by its overawing influence, no little
to do with relaxing his vow. He would relate instances
where, after some months' lonely scoutings, the
Indian-hater is suddenly seized with a sort of calenture;
hurries openly towards the first smoke, though he knows
it is an Indian's, announces himself as a lost hunter,
gives the savage his rifle, throws himself upon his charity,
embraces him with much affection, imploring the
privilege of living a while in his sweet companionship.
What is too often the sequel of so distempered a procedure
may be best known by those who best know the
Indian. Upon the whole, the judge, by two and thirty
good and sufficient reasons, would maintain that there
was no known vocation whose consistent following calls
for such self-containings as that of the Indian-hater par
excellence.
In the highest view, he considered such a soul
one peeping out but once an age.

“For the diluted Indian-hater, although the vacations
he permits himself impair the keeping of the character,
yet, it should not be overlooked that this is the man
who, by his very infirmity, enables us to form surmises,

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however inadequate, of what Indian-hating in its perfection
is.”

“One moment,” gently interrupted the cosmopolitan
here, “and let me refill my calumet.”

Which being done, the other proceeded:—

-- --

CHAPTER XXVII. SOME ACCOUNT OF A MAN OF QUESTIONABLE MORALITY, BUT WHO, NEVERTHELESS, WOULD SEEM ENTITLED TO THE ESTEEM OF THAT EMINENT ENGLISH MORALIST WHO SAID HE LIKED A GOOD HATER.

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Coming to mention the man to whose story all thus
far said was but the introduction, the judge, who, like
you, was a great smoker, would insist upon all the company
taking cigars, and then lighting a fresh one himself,
rise in his place, and, with the solemnest voice, say—
`Gentlemen, let us smoke to the memory of Colonel John
Moredock;' when, after several whiffs taken standing in
deep silence and deeper reverie, he would resume his
seat and his discourse, something in these words:

“`Though Colonel John Moredock was not an Indian-hater
par excellence, he yet cherished a kind of sentiment
towards the red man, and in that degree, and so acted
out his sentiment as sufficiently to merit the tribute
just rendered to his memory.

“`John Moredock was the son of a woman married
thrice, and thrice widowed by a tomahawk. The three
successive husbands of this woman had been pioneers,
and with them she had wandered from wilderness to
wilderness, always on the frontier. With nine children,

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she at last found herself at a little clearing, afterwards
Vincennes. There she joined a company about to remove
to the new country of Illinois. On the eastern
side of Illinois there were then no settlements; but on
the west side, the shore of the Mississippi, there were,
near the mouth of the Kaskaskia, some old hamlets
of French. To the vicinity of those hamlets, very innocent
and pleasant places, a new Arcadia, Mrs. Moredock's
party was destined; for thereabouts, among the vines,
they meant to settle. They embarked upon the Wabash
in boats, proposing descending that stream into the
Ohio, and the Ohio into the Mississippi, and so, northwards,
towards the point to be reached. All went well
till they made the rock of the Grand Tower on the Mississippi,
where they had to land and drag their boats
round a point swept by a strong current. Here a party
of Indians, lying in wait, rushed out and murdered
nearly all of them. The widow was among the victims
with her children, John excepted, who, some fifty miles
distant, was following with a second party.

“`He was just entering upon manhood, when thus left
in nature sole survivor of his race. Other youngsters
might have turned mourners; he turned avenger.
His nerves were electric wires—sensitive, but steel. He
was one who, from self-possession, could be made neither
to flush nor pale. It is said that when the tidings
were brought him, he was ashore sitting beneath a hemlock
eating his dinner of venison—and as the tidings
were told him, after the first start he kept on eating,
but slowly and deliberately, chewing the wild news

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with the wild meat, as if both together, turned to chyle,
together should sinew him to his intent. From that meal
he rose an Indian-hater. He rose; got his arms, prevailed
upon some comrades to join him, and without delay
started to discover who were the actual transgressors.
They proved to belong to a band of twenty renegades
from various tribes, outlaws even among Indians, and
who had formed themselves into a maurauding crew.
No opportunity for action being at the time presented,
he dismissed his friends; told them to go on, thanking
them, and saying he would ask their aid at some future
day. For upwards of a year, alone in the wilds, he
watched the crew. Once, what he thought a favorable
chance having occurred—it being midwinter, and the
savages encamped, apparently to remain so—he anew
mustered his friends, and marched against them; but,
getting wind of his coming, the enemy fled, and in
such panic that everything was left behind but their
weapons. During the winter, much the same thing
happened upon two subsequent occasions. The next
year he sought them at the head of a party pledged to
serve him for forty days. At last the hour came. It
was on the shore of the Mississippi. From their covert,
Moredock and his men dimly descried the gang of Cains
in the red dusk of evening, paddling over to a jungled
island in mid-stream, there the more securely to lodge;
for Moredock's retributive spirit in the wilderness spoke
ever to their trepidations now, like the voice calling
through the garden. Waiting until dead of night, the
whites swam the river, towing after them a raft laden

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with their arms. On landing, Moredock cut the fastenings
of the enemy's canoes, and turned them, with his
own raft, adrift; resolved that there should be neither
escape for the Indians, nor safety, except in victory, for
the whites. Victorious the whites were; but three of
the Indians saved themselves by taking to the stream.
Moredock's band lost not a man.

“`Three of the murderers survived. He knew their
names and persons. In the course of three years each
successively fell by his own hand. All were now dead.
But this did not suffice. He made no avowal, but to
kill Indians had become his passion. As an athlete, he
had few equals; as a shot, none; in single combat, not
to be beaten. Master of that woodland-cunning enabling
the adept to subsist where the tyro would perish, and
expert in all those arts by which an enemy is pursued
for weeks, perhaps months, without once suspecting it,
he kept to the forest. The solitary Indian that met him,
died. When a murder was descried, he would either
secretly pursue their track for some chance to strike at
least one blow; or if, while thus engaged, he himself
was discovered, he would elude them by superior skill.

“`Many years he spent thus; and though after a time
he was, in a degree, restored to the ordinary life of the
region and period, yet it is believed that John Moredock
never let pass an opportunity of quenching an Indian.
Sins of commission in that kind may have been his, but
none of omission.

“`It were to err to suppose,' the judge would say, `that
this gentleman was naturally ferocious, or peculiarly

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possessed of those qualities, which, unhelped by provocation
of events, tend to withdraw man from social life.
On the contrary, Moredock was an example of something
apparently self-contradicting, certainly curious, but, at
the same time, undeniable: namely, that nearly all Indian-haters
have at bottom loving hearts; at any rate,
hearts, if anything, more generous than the average.
Certain it is, that, to the degree in which he mingled in
the life of the settlements, Moredock showed himself
not without humane feelings. No cold husband or colder
father, he; and, though often and long away from his
household, bore its needs in mind, and provided for them.
He could be very convivial; told a good story (though
never of his more private exploits), and sung a capital
song. Hospitable, not backward to help a neighbor; by
report, benevolent, as retributive, in secret; while, in a
general manner, though sometimes grave—as is not unusual
with men of his complexion, a sultry and tragical
brown—yet with nobody, Indians excepted, otherwise
than courteous in a manly fashion; a moccasined
gentleman, admired and loved. In fact, no one more
popular, as an incident to follow may prove.

“`His bravery, whether in Indian fight or any other,
was unquestionable. An officer in the ranging service
during the war of 1812, he acquitted himself with more
than credit. Of his soldierly character, this anecdote is
told: Not long after Hull's dubious surrender at Detroit,
Moredock with some of his rangers rode up at night to a
log-house, there to rest till morning. The horses being
attended to, supper over, and sleeping-places assigned

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the troop, the host showed the colonel his best bed,
not on the ground like the rest, but a bed that stood on
legs. But out of delicacy, the guest declined to monopolize
it, or, indeed, to occupy it at all; when, to increase
the inducement, as the host thought, he was told that a
general officer had once slept in that bed. “Who, pray?”
asked the colonel. “General Hull.” “Then you must
not take offense,” said the colonel, buttoning up his coat,
“but, really, no coward's bed, for me, however comfortable.”
Accordingly he took up with valor's bed—a cold
one on the ground.

“`At one time the colonel was a member of the territorial
council of Illinois, ands at the formation of the
state government, was pressed to become candidate for
governor, but begged to be excused. And, though he
declined to give his reasons for declining, yet by those
who best knew him the cause was not wholly unsurmised.
In his official capacity he might be called upon
to enter into friendly treaties with Indian tribes, a thing
not to be thought of. And even did no such contingency
arise, yet he felt there would be an impropriety in
the Governor of Illinois stealing out now and then,
during a recess of the legislative bodies, for a few days'
shooting at human beings, within the limits of his paternal
chief-magistracy. If the governorship offered large
honors, from Moredock it demanded larger sacrifices.
These were incompatibles. In short, he was not unaware
that to be a consistent Indian-hater involves the
renunciation of ambition, with its objects—the pomps
and glories of the world; and since religion, pronouncing

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such things vanities, accounts it merit to renounce them,
therefore, so far as this goes, Indian-hating, whatever
may be thought of it in other respects, may be regarded
as not wholly without the efficacy of a devout sentiment.
'”

Here the narrator paused. Then, after his long and
irksome sitting, started to his feet, and regulating his
disordered shirt-frill, and at the same time adjustingly
shaking his legs down in his rumpled pantaloons, concluded:
“There, I have done; having given you, not
my story, mind, or my thoughts, but another's. And
now, for your friend Coonskins, I doubt not, that, if the
judge were here, he would pronounce him a sort of
comprehensive Colonel Moredock, who, too much spreading
his passion, shallows it.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXVIII. MOOT POINTS TOUCHING THE LATE COLONEL JOHN MOREDOCK.

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Charity, charity!” exclaimed the cosmopolitan,
“never a sound judgment without charity. When man
judges man, charity is less a bounty from our mercy
than just allowance for the insensible lee-way of human
fallibility. God forbid that my eccentric friend should
be what you hint. You do not know him, or but imperfectly.
His outside deceived you; at first it came
near deceiving even me. But I seized a chance, when,
owing to indignation against some wrong, he laid himself
a little open; I seized that lucky chance, I say, to
inspect his heart, and found it an inviting oyster in a forbidding
shell. His outside is but put on. Ashamed of his
own goodness, he treats mankind as those strange old
uncles in romances do their nephews—snapping at them
all the time and yet loving them as the apple of their
eye.”

“Well, my words with him were few. Perhaps he is
not what I took him for. Yes, for aught I know, you
may be right.”

“Glad to hear it. Charity, like poetry, should be
cultivated, if only for its being graceful. And now, since

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you have renounced your notion, I should be happy
would you, so to speak, renounce your story, too. That
story strikes me with even more incredulity than wonder.
To me some parts don't hang together. If the
man of hate, how could John Moredock be also the
man of love? Either his lone campaigns are fabulous
as Hercules'; or else, those being true, what was
thrown in about his geniality is but garnish. In short,
if ever there was such a man as Moredock, he, in my
way of thinking, was either misanthrope or nothing;
and his misanthropy the more intense from being focused
on one race of men. Though, like suicide, man-hatred
would seem peculiarly a Roman and a Grecian
passion—that is, Pagan; yet, the annals of neither Rome
nor Greece can produce the equal in man-hatred of
Colonel Moredock, as the judge and you have painted
him. As for this Indian-hating in general, I can only
say of it what Dr. Johnson said of the alleged Lisbon
earthquake: `Sir, I don't believe it.'”

“Didn't believe it? Why not? Clashed with any
little prejudice of his?”

“Doctor Johnson had no prejudice; but, like a certain
other person,” with an ingenuous smile, “he had
sensibilities, and those were pained.”

“Dr. Johnson was a good Christian, wasn't he?”

“He was.”

“Suppose he had been something else.”

“Then small incredulity as to the alleged earthquake.”

“Suppose he had been also a misanthrope?”

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“Then small incredulity as to the robberies and murders
alleged to have been perpetrated under the pall of
smoke and ashes. The infidels of the time were quick
to credit those reports and worse. So true is it that,
while religion, contrary to the common notion, implies,
in certain cases, a spirit of slow reserve as to assent,
infidelity, which claims to despise credulity, is sometimes
swift to it.”

“You rather jumble together misanthropy and infidelity.”

“I do not jumble them; they are coördinates. For
misanthropy, springing from the same root with disbelief
of religion, is twin with that. It springs from
the same root, I say; for, set aside materialism, and
what is an atheist, but one who does not, or will not,
see in the universe a ruling principle of love; and
what a misanthrope, but one who does not, or will
not, see in man a ruling principle of kindness? Don't
you see? In either case the vice consists in a want of
confidence.”

“What sort of a sensation is misanthropy?”

“Might as well ask me what sort of sensation is
hydrophobia. Don't know; never had it. But I have
often wondered what it can be like. Can a misanthrope
feel warm, I ask myself; take ease? be companionable
with himself? Can a misanthrope smoke
a cigar and muse? How fares he in solitude? Has
the misanthrope such a thing as an appetite? Shall a
peach refresh him? The effervescence of champagne,
with what eye does he behold it? Is summer good to

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him? Of long winters how much can he sleep? What
are his dreams? How feels he, and what does he, when
suddenly awakened, alone, at dead of night, by fusilades
of thunder?”

“Like you,” said the stranger, “I can't understand the
misanthrope. So far as my experience goes, either mankind
is worthy one's best love, or else I have been lucky.
Never has it been my lot to have been wronged, though
but in the smallest degree. Cheating, backbiting, superciliousness,
disdain, hard-heartedness, and all that
brood, I know but by report. Cold regards tossed over
the sinister shoulder of a former friend, ingratitude in
a beneficiary, treachery in a confidant—such things may
be; but I must take somebody's word for it. Now the
bridge that has carried me so well over, shall I not
praise it?”

“Ingratitude to the worthy bridge not to do so.
Man is a noble fellow, and in an age of satirists, I am
not displeased to find one who has confidence in him,
and bravely stands up for him.”

“Yes, I always speak a good word for man; and what
is more, am always ready to do a good deed for
him.”

“You are a man after my own heart,” responded the
cosmopolitan, with a candor which lost nothing by its
calmness. “Indeed,” he added, “our sentiments agree
so, that were they written in a book, whose was whose,
few but the nicest critics might determine.”

“Since we are thus joined in mind,” said the stranger,
“why not be joined in hand?”

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“My hand is always at the service of virtue,” frankly
extending it to him as to virtue personified.

“And now,” said the stranger, cordially retaining his
hand, “you know our fashion here at the West. It may
be a little low, but it is kind. Briefly, we being newlymade
friends must drink together. What say you?”

“Thank you; but indeed, you must excuse me.”

“Why?”

“Because, to tell the truth, I have to-day met so
many old friends, all free-hearted, convivial gentlemen,
that really, really, though for the present I succeed in
mastering it, I am at bottom almost in the condition of
a sailor who, stepping ashore after a long voyage, ere
night reels with loving welcomes, his head of less capacity
than his heart.”

At the allusion to old friends, the stranger's countenance
a little fell, as a jealous lover's might at hearing
from his sweetheart of former ones. But rallying, he
said: “No doubt they treated you to something strong;
but wine—surely, that gentle creature, wine; come, let
us have a little gentle wine at one of these little tables
here. Come, come.” Then essaying to roll about like
a full pipe in the sea, sang in a voice which had had more
of good-fellowship, had there been less of a latent squeak
to it:



“Let us drink of the wine of the vine benign,
That sparkles warm in Zansovine.”

The cosmopolitan, with longing eye upon him, stood
as sorely tempted and wavering a moment; then,

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abruptly stepping towards him, with a look of dissolved surrender,
said: “When mermaid songs move figure-heads,
then may glory, gold, and women try their blandishments
on me. But a good fellow, singing a good song,
he woos forth my every spike, so that my whole hull,
like a ship's, sailing by a magnetic rock, caves in with
acquiescence. Enough: when one has a heart of a certain
sort, it is in vain trying to be resolute.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXIX THE BOON COMPANIONS.

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The wine, port, being called for, and the two seated
at the little table, a natural pause of convivial expectancy
ensued; the stranger's eye turned towards the bar
near by, watching the red-cheeked, white-aproned man
there, blithely dusting the bottle, and invitingly arranging
the salver and glasses; when, with a sudden impulse
turning round his head towards his companion, he said,
“Ours is friendship at first sight, ain't it?”

“It is,” was the placidly pleased reply: “and the
same may be said of friendship at first sight as of love
at first sight: it is the only true one, the only noble
one. It bespeaks confidence. Who would go sounding
his way into love or friendship, like a strange ship by
night, into an enemy's harbor?”

“Right. Boldly in before the wind. Agreeable, how
we always agree. By-the-way, though but a formality,
friends should know each other's names. What is yours,
pray?”

“Francis Goodman. But those who love me, call me
Frank. And yours?”

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“Charles Arnold Noble. But do you call me
Charlie.”

“I will, Charlie; nothing like preserving in manhood
the fraternal familiarities of youth. It proves the heart
a rosy boy to the last.”

“My sentiments again. Ah!”

It was a smiling waiter, with the smiling bottle, the
cork drawn; a common quart bottle, but for the occasion
fitted at bottom into a little bark basket, braided
with porcupine quills, gayly tinted in the Indian fashion.
This being set before the entertainer, he regarded it
with affectionate interest, but seemed not to understand,
or else to pretend not to, a handsome red label pasted
on the bottle, bearing the capital letters, P. W.

“P. W.,” said he at last, perplexedly eying the pleasing
poser, “now what does P. W. mean?”

“Shouldn't wonder,” said the cosmopolitan gravely,
“if it stood for port wine. You called for port wine,
didn't you?”

“Why so it is, so it is!”

“I find some little mysteries not very hard to clear
up,” said the other, quietly crossing his legs.

This commonplace seemed to escape the stranger's
hearing, for, full of his bottle, he now rubbed his somewhat
sallow hands over it, and with a strange kind of
cackle, meant to be a chirrup, cried: “Good wine, good
wine; is it not the peculiar bond of good feeling?”
Then brimming both glasses, pushed one over, saying,
with what seemed intended for an air of fine disdain:
“Ill betide those gloomy skeptics who maintain that

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now-a-days pure wine is unpurchasable; that almost
every variety on sale is less the vintage of vineyards
than laboratories; that most bar-keepers are but a set
of male Brinvilliarses, with complaisant arts practicing
against the lives of their best friends, their customers.”

A shade passed over the cosmopolitan. After a few
minutes' down-cast musing, he lifted his eyes and said:
“I have long thought, my dear Charlie, that the spirit
in which wine is regarded by too many in these days is
one of the most painful examples of want of confidence.
Look at these glasses. He who could mistrust poison
in this wine would mistrust consumption in Hebe's
cheek. While, as for suspicions against the dealers in
wine and sellers of it, those who cherish such suspicions
can have but limited trust in the human heart. Each
human heart they must think to be much like each bottle
of port, not such port as this, but such port as they
hold to. Strange traducers, who see good faith in nothing,
however sacred. Not medicines, not the wine in
sacraments, has escaped them. The doctor with his
phial, and the priest with his chalice, they deem equally
the unconscious dispensers of bogus cordials to the
dying.”

“Dreadful!”

“Dreadful indeed,” said the cosmopolitan solemnly.
“These distrusters stab at the very soul of confidence.
If this wine,” impressively holding up his full glass, “if
this wine with its bright promise be not true, how shall
man be, whose promise can be no brighter? But if wine
be false, while men are true, whither shall fly convivial

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geniality? To think of sincerely-genial souls drinking
each other's health at unawares in perfidious and murderous
drugs!”

“Horrible!”

“Much too much so to be true, Charlie. Let us forget
it. Come, you are my entertainer on this occasion,
and yet you don't pledge me. I have been waiting for
it.”

“Pardon, pardon,” half confusedly and half ostentatiously
lifting his glass. “I pledge you, Frank, with
my whole heart, believe me,” taking a draught too decorous
to be large, but which, small though it was, was
followed by a slight involuntary wryness to the mouth.

“And I return you the pledge, Charlie, heart-warm
as it came to me, and honest as this wine I drink it in,”
reciprocated the cosmopolitan with princely kindliness in
his gesture, taking a generous swallow, concluding in a
smack, which, though audible, was not so much so as to
be unpleasing.

“Talking of alleged spuriousness of wines,” said he,
tranquilly setting down his glass, and then sloping back
his head and with friendly fixedness eying the wine,
“perhaps the strangest part of those allegings is, that
there is, as claimed, a kind of man who, while convinced
that on this continent most wines are shams, yet still
drinks away at them; accounting wine so fine a thing,
that even the sham article is better than none at all. And
if the temperance people urge that, by this course, he
will sooner or later be undermined in health, he answers,
`And do you think I don't know that? But health

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without cheer I hold a bore; and cheer, even of the
spurious sort, has its price, which I am willing to
pay.'”

“Such a man, Frank, must have a disposition ungovernably
bacchanalian.”

“Yes, if such a man there be, which I don't credit.
It is a fable, but a fable from which I once heard a person
of less genius than grotesqueness draw a moral even
more extravagant than the fable itself. He said that it
illustrated, as in a parable, how that a man of a disposition
ungovernably good-natured might still familiarly
associate with men, though, at the same time, he believed
the greater part of men false-hearted—accounting society
so sweet a thing that even the spurious sort was
better than none at all. And if the Rochefoucaultites
urge that, by this course, he will sooner or later be undermined
in security, he answers, `And do you think I
don't know that? But security without society I hold
a bore; and society, even of the spurious sort, has its
price, which I am willing to pay.'”

“A most singular theory,” said the stranger with a
slight fidget, eying his companion with some inquisitiveness,
“indeed, Frank, a most slanderous thought,” he
exclaimed in sudden heat and with an involuntary look
almost of being personally aggrieved.

“In one sense it merits all you say, and more,” rejoined
the other with wonted mildness, “but, for a kind
of drollery in it, charity might, perhaps, overlook something
of the wickedness. Humor is, in fact, so blessed a
thing, that even in the least virtuous product of the

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human mind, if there can be found but nine good jokes,
some philosophers are clement enough to affirm that
those nine good jokes should redeem all the wicked
thoughts, though plenty as the populace of Sodom. At
any rate, this same humor has something, there is no
telling what, of beneficence in it, it is such a catholicon
and charm—nearly all men agreeing in relishing it,
though they may agree in little else—and in its way it
undeniably does such a deal of familiar good in the
world, that no wonder it is almost a proverb, that a man
of humor, a man capable of a good loud laugh—seem
how he may in other things—can hardly be a heartless
scamp.”

“Ha, ha, ha!” laughed the other, pointing to the
figure of a pale pauper-boy on the deck below, whose
pitiableness was touched, as it were, with ludicrousness
by a pair of monstrous boots, apparently some mason's
discarded ones, cracked with drouth, half eaten by lime,
and curled up about the toe like a bassoon. “Look—
ha, ha, ha!”

“I see,” said the other, with what seemed quiet appreciation,
but of a kind expressing an eye to the grotesque,
without blindness to what in this case accompanied
it, “I see; and the way in which it moves you,
Charlie, comes in very apropos to point the proverb I
was speaking of. Indeed, had you intended this effect,
it could not have been more so. For who that heard
that laugh, but would as naturally argue from it a
sound heart as sound lungs? True, it is said that a
man may smile, and smile, and smile, and be a villain;

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but it is not said that a man may laugh, and laugh, and
laugh, and be one, is it, Charlie?”

“Ha, ha, ha!—no no, no no.”

“Why Charlie, your explosions illustrate my remarks
almost as aptly as the chemist's imitation volcano did
his lectures. But even if experience did not sanction
the proverb, that a good laugher cannot be a bad man, I
should yet feel bound in confidence to believe it, since
it is a saying current among the people, and I doubt
not originated among them, and hence must be true; for
the voice of the people is the voice of truth. Don't
you think so?”

“Of course I do. If Truth don't speak through the
people, it never speaks at all; so I heard one say.”

“A true saying. But we stray. The popular notion
of humor, considered as index to the heart, would seem
curiously confirmed by Aristotle—I think, in his “Politics,”
(a work, by-the-by, which, however it may be
viewed upon the whole, yet, from the tenor of certain
sections, should not, without precaution, be placed in
the hands of youth)—who remarks that the least lovable
men in history seem to have had for humor not only a
disrelish, but a hatred; and this, in some cases, along
with an extraordinary dry taste for practical punning.
I remember it is related of Phalaris, the capricious
tyrant of Sicily, that he once caused a poor fellow to be
beheaded on a horse-block, for no other cause than having
a horse-laugh.”

“Funny Phalaris!”

“Cruel Phalaris!”

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As after fire-crackers, there was a pause, both looking
downward on the table as if mutually struck by the
contrast of exclamations, and pondering upon its significance,
if any. So, at least, it seemed; but on one side
it might have been otherwise: for presently glancing up,
the cosmopolitan said: “In the instance of the moral,
drolly cynic, drawn from the queer bacchanalian fellow
we were speaking of, who had his reasons for still drinking
spurious wine, though knowing it to be such—there,
I say, we have an example of what is certainly a wicked
thought, but conceived in humor. I will now give you
one of a wicked thought conceived in wickedness. You
shall compare the two, and answer, whether in the one
case the sting is not neutralized by the humor, and
whether in the other the absence of humor does not
leave the sting free play. I once heard a wit, a mere
wit, mind, an irreligious Parisian wit, say, with regard
to the temperance movement, that none, to their personal
benefit, joined it sooner than niggards and knaves;
because, as he affirmed, the one by it saved money and
the other made money, as in ship-owners cutting off
the spirit ration without giving its equivalent, and
gamblers and all sorts of subtle tricksters sticking to
cold water, the better to keep a cool head for business.”

“A wicked thought, indeed!” cried the stranger,
feelingly.

“Yes,” leaning over the table on his elbow and genially
gesturing at him with his forefinger: “yes, and, as
I said, you don't remark the sting of it?”

“I do, indeed. Most calumnious thought, Frank!”

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“No humor in it?”

“Not a bit!”

“Well now, Charlie,” eying him with moist regard,
“let us drink. It appears to me you don't drink
freely.”

“Oh, oh—indeed, indeed—I am not backward there.
I protest, a freer drinker than friend Charlie you will
find nowhere,” with feverish zeal snatching his glass,
but only in the sequel to dally with it. “By-the-way,
Frank,” said he, perhaps, or perhaps not, to draw attention
from himself, “by-the-way, I saw a good thing
the other day; capital thing; a panegyric on the press.
It pleased me so, I got it by heart at two readings. It
is a kind of poetry, but in a form which stands in something
the same relation to blank verse which that does
to rhyme. A sort of free-and-easy chant with refrains
to it. Shall I recite it?”

“Anything in praise of the press I shall be happy to
hear,” rejoined the cosmopolitan, “the more so,” he
gravely proceeded, “as of late I have observed in some
quarters a disposition to disparage the press.”

“Disparage the press?”

“Even so; some gloomy souls affirming that it is
proving with that great invention as with brandy or
eau-de-vie, which, upon its first discovery, was believed
by the doctors to be, as its French name implies, a panacea—
a notion which experience, it may be thought,
has not fully verified.”

“You surprise me, Frank. Are there really those who
so decry the press? Tell me more. Their reasons.”

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“Reasons they have none, but affirmations they have
many; among other things affirming that, while under
dynastic despotisms, the press is to the people little but
an improvisatore, under popular ones it is too apt to be
their Jack Cade. In fine, these sour sages regard the
press in the light of a Colt's revolver, pledged to no
cause but his in whose chance hands it may be; deeming
the one invention an improvement upon the pen,
much akin to what the other is upon the pistol; involving,
along with the multiplication of the barrel, no consecration
of the aim. The term `freedom of the press'
they consider on a par with freedom of Colt's revolver.
Hence, for truth and the right, they hold, to indulge
hopes from the one is little more sensible than for Kossuth
and Mazzini to indulge hopes from the other.
Heart-breaking views enough, you think; but their
refutation is in every true reformer's contempt. Is it
not so?”

“Without doubt. But go on, go on. I like to hear
you,” flatteringly brimming up his glass for him.

“For one,” continued the cosmopolitan, grandly
swelling his chest, “I hold the press to be neither the
people's improvisatore, nor Jack Cade; neither their
paid fool, nor conceited drudge. I think interest never
prevails with it over duty. The press still speaks for
truth though impaled, in the teeth of lies though intrenched.
Disdaining for it the poor name of cheap
diffuser of news, I claim for it the independent apostleship
of Advancer of Knowledge:—the iron Paul!
Paul, I say; for not only does the press advance

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knowledge, but righteousness. In the press, as in the sun,
resides, my dear Charlie, a dedicated principle of beneficent
force and light. For the Satanic press, by its
coappearance with the apostolic, it is no more an aspersion
to that, than to the true sun is the coappearance
of the mock one. For all the baleful-looking parhelion,
god Apollo dispenses the day. In a word, Charlie, what
the sovereign of England is titularly, I hold the press to
be actually—Defender of the Faith!—defender of the
faith in the final triumph of truth over error, metaphysics
over superstition, theory over falsehood, machinery
over nature, and the good man over the bad. Such are
my views, which, if stated at some length, you, Charlie,
must pardon, for it is a theme upon which I cannot
speak with cold brevity. And now I am impatient for
your panegyric, which, I doubt not, will put mine to
the blush.”

“It is rather in the blush-giving vein,” smiled the
other; “but such as it is, Frank, you shall have it.”

“Tell me when you are about to begin,” said the
cosmopolitan, “for, when at public dinners the press is
toasted, I always drink the toast standing, and shall
stand while you pronounce the panegyric.”

“Very good, Frank; you may stand up now.”

He accordingly did so, when the stranger likewise
rose, and uplifting the ruby wine-flask, began.

-- --

CHAPTER XXX. OPENING WITH A POETICAL EULOGY OF THE PRESS AND CONTINUING WITH TALK INSPIRED BY THE SAME.

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“`Praise be unto the press, not Faust's, but Noah's;
let us extol and magnify the press, the true press of
Noah, from which breaketh the true morning. Praise
be unto the press, not the black press but the red;
let us extol and magnify the press, the red press of Noah,
from which cometh inspiration. Ye pressmen of the
Rhineland and the Rhine, join in with all ye who tread
out the glad tidings on isle Madeira or Mitylene.—Who
giveth redness of eyes by making men long to tarry at
the fine print?—Praise be unto the press, the rosy press
of Noah, which giveth rosiness of hearts, by making men
long to tarry at the rosy wine.—Who hath babblings and
contentions? Who, without cause, inflicteth wounds?
Praise be unto the press, the kindly press of Noah,
which knitteth friends, which fuseth foes.—Who may be
bribed?—Who may be bound?—Praise be unto the press,
the free press of Noah, which will not lie for tyrants,
but make tyrants speak the truth.—Then praise be unto
the press, the frank old press of Noah; then let us
extol and magnify the press, the brave old press of Noah;

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then let us with roses garland and enwreath the press,
the grand old press of Noah, from which flow streams of
knowledge which give man a bliss no more unreal than
his pain.'”

“You deceived me,” smiled the cosmopolitan, as both
now resumed their seats; “you roguishly took advantage
of my simplicity; you archly played upon my enthusiasm.
But never mind; the offense, if any, was so charming,
I almost wish you would offend again. As for certain
poetic left-handers in your panegyric, those I cheerfully
concede to the indefinite privileges of the poet. Upon
the whole, it was quite in the lyric style—a style I always
admire on account of that spirit of Sibyllic confidence
and assurance which is, perhaps, its prime ingredient.
But come,” glancing at his companion's glass, “for a
lyrist, you let the bottle stay with you too long.”

“The lyre and the vine forever!” cried the other in
his rapture, or what seemed such, heedless of the hint,
“the vine, the vine! is it not the most graceful and
bounteous of all growths? And, by its being such, is
not something meant—divinely meant? As I live, a
vine, a Catawba vine, shall be planted on my grave!

“A genial thought; but your glass there.”

“Oh, oh,” taking a moderate sip, “but you, why don't
you drink?”

“You have forgotten, my dear Charlie, what I told
you of my previous convivialities to-day.”

“Oh,” cried the other, now in manner quite abandoned
to the lyric mood, not without contrast to the easy
sociability of his companion. “Oh, one can't drink too

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much of good old wine—the genuine, mellow old port.
Pooh, pooh! drink away.”

“Then keep me company.”

“Of course,” with a flourish, taking another sip—
“suppose we have cigars. Never mind your pipe there;
a pipe is best when alone. I say, waiter, bring some
cigars—your best.”

They were brought in a pretty little bit of western
pottery, representing some kind of Indian utensil, mummy-colored,
set down in a mass of tobacco leaves, whose
long, green fans, fancifully grouped, formed with peeps
of red the sides of the receptacle.

Accompanying it were two accessories, also bits of
pottery, but smaller, both globes; one in guise of an
apple flushed with red and gold to the life, and, through
a cleft at top, you saw it was hollow. This was for the
ashes. The other, gray, with wrinkled surface, in the
likeness of a wasp's nest, was the match-box.

“There,” said the stranger, pushing over the cigarstand,
“help yourself, and I will touch you off,” taking
a match. “Nothing like tobacco,” he added, when the
fumes of the cigar began to wreathe, glancing from the
smoker to the pottery, “I will have a Virginia tobaccoplant
set over my grave beside the Catawba vine.”

“Improvement upon your first idea, which by itself
was good—but you don't smoke.”

“Presently, presently—let me fill your glass again.
You don't drink.”

“Thank you; but no more just now. Fill your
glass.”

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“Presently, presently; do you drink on. Never
mind me. Now that it strikes me, let me say, that he
who, out of superfine gentility or fanatic morality,
denies himself tobacco, suffers a more serious abatement
in the cheap pleasures of life than the dandy in his iron
boot, or the celibate on his iron cot. While for him
who would fain revel in tobacco, but cannot, it is a thing
at which philanthropists must weep, to see such an one,
again and again, madly returning to the cigar, which,
for his incompetent stomach, he cannot enjoy, while
still, after each shameful repulse, the sweet dream of
the impossible good goads him on to his fierce misery
once more—poor eunuch!”

“I agree with you,” said the cosmopolitan, still gravely
social, “but you don't smoke.”

“Presently, presently, do you smoke on. As I was
saying about—”

“But why don't you smoke—come. You don't think
that tobacco, when in league with wine, too much enhances
the latter's vinous quality—in short, with certain
constitutions tends to impair self-possession, do you?”

“To think that, were treason to good fellowship,”
was the warm disclaimer. “No, no. But the fact is,
there is an unpropitious flavor in my mouth just now.
Ate of a diabolical ragout at dinner, so I shan't smoke
till I have washed away the lingering memento of it
with wine. But smoke away, you, and pray, don't
forget to drink. By-the-way, while we sit here so
companionably, giving loose to any companionable
nothing, your uncompanionable friend, Coonskins, is, by

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pure contrast, brought to recollection. If he were but
here now, he would see how much of real heart-joy he
denies himself by not hob-a-nobbing with his kind.”

“Why,” with loitering emphasis, slowly withdrawing
his cigar, “I thought I had undeceived you there. I
thought you had come to a better understanding of my
eccentric friend.”

“Well, I thought so, too; but first impressions will
return, you know. In truth, now that I think of it, I
am led to conjecture from chance things which dropped
from Coonskins, during the little interview I had with
him, that he is not a Missourian by birth, but years ago
came West here, a young misanthrope from the other
side of the Alleghanies, less to make his fortune, than to
flee man. Now, since they say trifles sometimes effect
great results, I shouldn't wonder, if his history were
probed, it would be found that what first indirectly gave
his sad bias to Coonskins was his disgust at reading in boyhood
the advice of Polonius to Laertes—advice which, in
the selfishness it inculcates, is almost on a par with a sort
of ballad upon the economies of money-making, to be
occasionally seen pasted against the desk of small retail
traders in New England.”

“I do hope now, my dear fellew,” said the cosmopolitan
with an air of bland protest, “that, in my presence
at least, you will throw out nothing to the prejudice of
the sons of the Puritans.”

“Hey-day and high times indeed,” exclaimed the
other, nettled, “sons of the Puritans forsooth! And
who be Puritans, that I, an Alabamaian, must do them

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reverence? A set of sourly conceited old Malvolios,
whom Shakespeare laughs his fill at in his comedies.”

“Pray, what were you about to suggest with regard
to Polonius,” observed the cosmopolitan with quiet forbearance,
expressive of the patience of a superior mind
at the petulance of an inferior one; “how do you characterize
his advice to Laertes?”

“As false, fatal, and calumnious,” exclaimed the other,
with a degree of ardor befitting one resenting a stigma
upon the family escutcheon, “and for a father to give
his son—monstrous. The case you see is this: The son
is going abroad, and for the first. What does the father?
Invoke God's blessing upon him? Put the blessed Bible
in his trunk? No. Crams him with maxims smacking
of my Lord Chesterfield, with maxims of France, with
maxims of Italy.”

“No, no, be charitable, not that. Why, does he not
among other things say:—


`The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel'?
Is that compatible with maxims of Italy?”

“Yes it is, Frank. Don't you see? Laertes is to
take the best of care of his friends—his proved friends,
on the same principal that a wine-corker takes the best
of care of his proved bottles. When a bottle gets a
sharp knock and don't break, he says, `Ah, I'll keep that
bottle.' Why? Because he loves it? No, he has particular
use for it.”

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“Dear, dear!” appealingly turning in distress, “that—
that kind of criticism is—is—in fact—it won't do.”

“Won't truth do, Frank? You are so charitable with
everybody, do but consider the tone of the speech.
Now I put it to you, Frank; is there anything in it
hortatory to high, heroic, disinterested effort? Anything
like `sell all thou hast and give to the poor?' And,
in other points, what desire seems most in the father's
mind, that his son should cherish nobleness for himself,
or be on his guard against the contrary thing in others?
An irreligious warner, Frank—no devout counselor, is
Polonius. I hate him. Nor can I bear to hear your
veterans of the world affirm, that he who steers through
life by the advice of old Polonius will not steer among
the breakers.”

“No, no—I hope nobody affirms that,” rejoined the
cosmopolitan, with tranquil abandonment; sideways reposing
his arm at full length upon the table. “I hope
nobody affirms that; because, if Polonius' advice be
taken in your sense, then the recommendation of it by
men of experience would appear to involve more or less
of an unhandsome sort of reflection upon human nature.
And yet,” with a perplexed air, “your suggestions have
put things in such a strange light to me as in fact a
little to disturb my previous notions of Polonius and
what he says. To be frank, by your ingenuity you have
unsettled me there, to that degree that were it not for
our coincidence of opinion in general, I should almost
think I was now at length beginning to feel the ill effect
of an immature mind, too much consorting with a

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mature one, except on the ground of first principles in
common.”

“Really and truly,” cried the other with a kind of
tickled modesty and pleased concern, “mine is an understanding
too weak to throw out grapnels and hug another
to it. I have indeed heard of some great scholars
in these days, whose boast is less that they have made
disciples than victims. But for me, had I the power to
do such things, I have not the heart to desire.”

“I believe you, my dear Charlie. And yet, I repeat,
by your commentaries on Polonius you have, I know
not how, unsettled me; so that now I don't exactly see
how Shakespeare meant the words he puts in Polonius'
mouth.”

“Some say that he meant them to open people's eyes;
but I don't think so.”

“Open their eyes?” echoed the cosmopolitan, slowly
expanding his; “what is there in this world for one to
open his eyes to? I mean in the sort of invidious sense
you cite?”

“Well, others say he meant to corrupt people's morals;
and still others, that he had no express intention at
all, but in effect opens their eyes and corrupts their
morals in one operation. All of which I reject.”

“Of course you reject so crude an hypothesis; and yet,
to confess, in reading Shakespeare in my closet, struck
by some passage, I have laid down the volume, and said:
`This Shakespeare is a queer man.' At times seeming
irresponsible, he does not always seem reliable. There
appears to be a certain—what shall I call it?—hidden

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sun, say, about him, at once enlightening and mystifying.
Now, I should be afraid to say what I have sometimes
thought that hidden sun might be.”

“Do you think it was the true light?” with clandestine
geniality again filling the other's glass.

“I would prefer to decline answering a categorical
question there. Shakespeare has got to be a kind of
deity. Prudent minds, having certain latent thoughts
concerning him, will reserve them in a condition of lasting
probation. Still, as touching avowable speculations,
we are permitted a tether. Shakespeare himself is to be
adored, not arraigned; but, so we do it with humility, we
may a little canvass his characters. There's his Autolycus
now, a fellow that always puzzled me. How is one
to take Autolycus? A rogue so happy, so lucky, so
triumphant, of so almost captivatingly vicious a career
that a virtuous man reduced to the poor-house (were
such a contingency conceivable), might almost long to
change sides with him. And yet, see the words put into
his mouth: `Oh,' cries Autolycus, as he comes galloping,
gay as a buck, upon the stage, `oh,' he laughs, `oh what
a fool is Honesty, and Trust, his sworn brother, a very
simple gentleman.' Think of that. Trust, that is, confidence—
that is, the thing in this universe the sacredest—
is rattingly pronounced just the simplest. And the
scenes in which the rogue figures seem purposely devised
for verification of his principles. Mind, Charlie, I
do not say it is so, far from it; but I do say it seems so.
Yes, Autolycus would seem a needy varlet acting upon
the persuasion that less is to be got by invoking pockets

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than picking them, more to be made by an expert knave
than a bungling beggar; and for this reason, as he
thinks, that the soft heads outnumber the soft hearts.
The devil's drilled recruit, Autolycus is joyous as if he
wore the livery of heaven. When disturbed by the
character and career of one thus wicked and thus happy,
my sole consolation is in the fact that no such creature
ever existed, except in the powerful imagination which
evoked him. And yet, a creature, a living creature, he
is, though only a poet was his maker. It may be, that
in that paper-and-ink investiture of his, Autolycus acts
more effectively upon mankind than he would in a flesh-and-blood
one. Can his influence be salutary? True,
in Autolycus there is humor; but though, according to
my principle, humor is in general to be held a saving
quality, yet the case of Autolycus is an exception;
because it is his humor which, so to speak, oils his
mischievousness. The bravadoing mischievousness of
Autolycus is slid into the world on humor, as a pirate
schooner, with colors flying, is launched into the sea on
greased ways.”

“I approve of Autolycus as little as you,” said the
stranger, who, during his companion's commonplaces,
had seemed less attentive to them than to maturing with
in his own mind the original conceptions destined to
eclipse them. “But I cannot believe that Autolycus,
mischievous as he must prove upon the stage, can be
near so much so as such a character as Polonius.”

“I don't know about that,” bluntly, and yet not
impolitely, returned the cosmopolitan; “to be sure,

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accepting your view of the old courtier, then if between
him and Autolycus you raise the question of unprepossessingness,
I grant you the latter comes off best. For a
moist rogue may tickle the midriff, while a dry worldling
may but wrinkle the spleen.”

“But Polonius is not dry,” said the other excitedly;
“he drules. One sees the fly-blown old fop drule and
look wise. His vile wisdom is made the viler by his
vile rheuminess. The bowing and cringing, time-serving
old sinner—is such an one to give manly precepts to
youth? The discreet, decorous, old dotard-of-state;
senile prudence; fatuous soullessness! The ribanded
old dog is paralytic all down one side, and that the side
of nobleness. His soul is gone out. Only nature's automatonism
keeps him on his legs. As with some old
trees, the bark survives the pith, and will still stand
stiffly up, though but to rim round punk, so the body
of old Polonius has outlived his soul.”

“Come, come,” said the cosmopolitan with serious air,
almost displeased; “though I yield to none in admiration
of earnestness, yet, I think, even earnestness may have
limits. To human minds, strong language is always
more or less distressing. Besides, Polonius is an old
man—as I remember him upon the stage—with snowy
locks. Now charity requires that such a figure—think
of it how you will—should at least be treated with
civility. Moreover, old age is ripeness, and I once
heard say, `Better ripe than raw.'”

“But not better rotten than raw!” bringing down his
hand with energy on the table.

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“Why, bless me,” in mild surprise contemplating his
heated comrade, “how you fly out against this unfortunate
Polonius—a being that never was, nor will be.
And yet, viewed in a Christian light,” he added pensively,
“I don't know that anger against this man of straw
is a whit less wise than anger against a man of flesh.
Madness, to be mad with anything.”

“That may be, or may not be,” returned the other, a
little testily, perhaps; “but I stick to what I said, that
it is better to be raw than rotten. And what is to be
feared on that head, may be known from this: that it is
with the best of hearts as with the best of pears—a dangerous
experiment to linger too long upon the scene.
This did Polonius. Thank fortune, Frank, I am young,
every tooth sound in my head, and if good wine can
keep me where I am, long shall I remain so.”

“True,” with a smile. “But wine, to do good, must
be drunk. You have talked much and well, Charlie;
but drunk little and indifferently—fill up.”

“Presently, presently,” with a hasty and preoccupied
air. “If I remember right, Polonius hints as much as
that one should, under no circumstances, commit the indiscretion
of aiding in a pecuniary way an unfortunate
friend. He drules out some stale stuff about `loan losing
both itself and friend,' don't he? But our bottle; is it
glued fast? Keep it moving, my dear Frank. Good
wine, and upon my soul I begin to feel it, and through
me old Polonius—yes, this wine, I fear, is what excites
me so against that detestable old dog without a tooth.”

Upon this, the cosmopolitan, cigar in mouth, slowly

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raised the bottle, and brought it slowly to the light,
looking at it steadfastly, as one might at a thermometer
in August, to see not how low it was, but how high.
Then whiffing out a puff, set it down, and said: “Well,
Charlie, if what wine you have drunk came out of this
bottle, in that case I should say that if—supposing a
case—that if one fellow had an object in getting another
fellow fuddled, and this fellow to be fuddled was of
your capacity, the operation would be comparatively
inexpensive. What do you think, Charlie?”

“Why, I think I don't much admire the supposition,”
said Charlie, with a look of resentment; “it ain't safe,
depend upon it, Frank, to venture upon too jocose suppositions
with one's friends.”

“Why, bless you, Frank, my supposition wasn't personal,
but general. You mustn't be so touchy.”

“If I am touchy it is the wine. Sometimes, when I
freely drink, it it has a touchy effect on me, I have observed.”

“Freely drink? you haven't drunk the perfect measure
of one glass, yet. While for me, this must be my
fourth or fifth, thanks to your importunity; not to speak
of all I drank this morning, for old acquaintance' sake.
Drink, drink; you must drink.”

“Oh, I drink while you are talking,” laughed the
other; “you have not noticed it, but I have drunk my
share. Have a queer way I learned from a sedate old
uncle, who used to tip off his glass unperceived. Do
you fill up, and my glass, too. There! Now away
with that stump, and have a new cigar. Good

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fellowship forever!” again in the lyric mood. “Say, Frank,
are we not men? I say are we not human? Tell me,
were they not human who engendered us, as before
heaven I believe they shall be whom we shall engender?
Fill up, up, up, my friend. Let the ruby tide aspire,
and all ruby aspirations with it! Up, fill up! Be we
convivial. And conviviality, what is it? The word, I
mean; what expresses it? A living together. But
bats live together, and did you ever hear of convivial
bats?”

“If I ever did,” observed the cosmopolitan, “it has
quite slipped my recollection.”

“But why did you never hear of convivial bats, nor
anybody else? Because bats, though they live together,
live not together genially. Bats are not genial souls.
But men are; and how delightful to think that the word
which among men signifies the highest pitch of geniality,
implies, as indispensable auxiliary, the cheery
benediction of the bottle. Yes, Frank, to live together
in the finest sense, we must drink together. And so,
what wonder that he who loves not wine, that sober
wretch has a lean heart—a heart like a wrung-out old
bluing-bag, and loves not his kind? Out upon him, to
the rag-house with him, hang him—the ungenial
soul!”

“Oh, now, now, can't you be convivial without being
censorious? I like easy, unexcited conviviality. For
the sober man, really, though for my part I naturally
love a cheerful glass, I will not prescribe my nature as
the law to other natures. So don't abuse the sober

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man. Conviviality is one good thing, and sobriety is
another good thing. So don't be one-sided.”

“Well, if I am one-sided, it is the wine. Indeed, indeed,
I have indulged too genially. My excitement
upon slight provocation shows it. But yours is a
stronger head; drink you. By the way, talking of geniality,
it is much on the increase in these days, ain't
it?”

“It is, and I hail the fact. Nothing better attests
the advance of the humanitarian spirit. In former and
less humanitarian ages—the ages of amphitheatres and
gladiators—geniality was mostly confined to the fireside
and table. But in our age—the age of joint-stock companies
and free-and-easies—it is with this precious
quality as with precious gold in old Peru, which Pizarro
found making up the scullion's sauce-pot as the Inca's
crown. Yes, we golden boys, the moderns, have geniality
everwhere—a bounty broadcast like noonlight.”

“True, true; my sentiments again. Geniality has
invaded each department and profession. We have genial
senators, genial authors, genial lecturers, genial
doctors, genial clergymen, genial surgeons, and the next
thing we shall have genial hangmen.”

“As to the last-named sort of person,” said the cosmopolitan,
“I trust that the advancing spirit of geniality
will at last enable us to dispense with him. No murderers—
no hangmen. And surely, when the whole
world shall have been genialized, it will be as out of
place to talk of murderers, as in a Christianized world
to talk of sinners.”

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“To pursue the thought,” said the other, “every
blessing is attended with some evil, and—”

“Stay,” said the cosmopolitan, “that may be better
let pass for a loose saying, than for hopeful doctrine.”

“Well, assuming the saying's truth, it would apply
to the future supremacy of the genial spirit, since then
it will fare with the hangman as it did with the weaver
when the spinning-jenny whizzed into the ascendant.
Thrown out of employment, what could Jack Ketch
turn his hand to? Butchering?”

“That he could turn his hand to it seems probable;
but that, under the circumstances, it would be appropriate,
might in some minds admit of a question. For one,
I am inclined to think—and I trust it will not be held
fastidiousness—that it would hardly be suitable to the
dignity of our nature, that an individual, once employed
in attending the last hours of human unfortunates,
should, that office being extinct, transfer himself to the
business of attending the last hours of unfortunate cattle.
I would suggest that the individual turn valet—a
vocation to which he would, perhaps, appear not wholly
inadapted by his familiar dexterity about the person. In
particular, for giving a finishing tie to a gentleman's
cravat, I know few who would, in all likelihood, be,
from previous occupation, better fitted than the professional
person in question.”

“Are you in earnest?” regarding the serene speaker
with unaffected curiosity; “are you really in earnest?”

“I trust I am never otherwise,” was the mildly earnest
reply; “but talking of the advance of geniality, I

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am not without hopes that it will eventually exert its
influence even upon so difficult a subject as the misanthrope.”

“A genial misanthrope! I thought I had stretched
the rope pretty hard in talking of genial hangmen. A
genial misanthrope is no more conceivable than a surly
philanthropist.”

“True,” lightly depositing in an unbroken little
cylinder the ashes of his cigar, “true, the two you
name are well opposed.”

“Why, you talk as if there was such a being as a
surly philanthropist.”

“I do. My eccentric friend, whom you call Coonskins,
is an example. Does he not, as I explained to
you, hide under a surly air a philanthropic heart?
Now, the genial misanthrope, when, in the process of
eras, he shall turn up, will be the converse of this; under
an affable air, he will hide a misanthropical heart.
In short, the genial misanthrope will be a new kind of
monster, but still no small improvement upon the original
one, since, instead of making faces and throwing
stones at people, like that poor old crazy man, Timon,
he will take steps, fiddle in hand, and set the tickled
world a' dancing. In a word, as the progress of Christianization
mellows those in manner whom it cannot
mend in mind, much the same will it prove with the
progress of genialization. And so, thanks to geniality,
the misanthrope, reclaimed from his boorish address, will
take on refinement and softness—to so genial a degree,
indeed, that it may possibly fall out that the misanthrope

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of the coming century will be almost as popular as, I
am sincerely sorry to say, some philanthropists of the
present time would seem not to be, as witness my eccentric
friend named before.”

“Well,” cried the other, a little weary, perhaps, of a
speculation so abstract, “well, however it may be with
the century to come, certainly in the century which is,
whatever else one may be, he must be genial or he is
nothing. So fill up, fill up, and be genial!”

“I am trying my best,” said the cosmopolitan, still
calmly companionable. “A moment since, we talked
of Pizarro, gold, and Peru; no doubt, now, you remember
that when the Spaniard first entered Atahalpa's treasure-chamber,
and saw such profusion of plate stacked
up, right and left, with the wantonness of old barrels in
a brewer's yard, the needy fellow felt a twinge of misgiving,
of want of confidence, as to the genuineness of
an opulence so profuse. He went about rapping the
shining vases with his knuckles. But it was all gold,
pure gold, good gold, sterling gold, which how cheerfully
would have been stamped such at Goldsmiths'
Hall. And just so those needy minds, which, through
their own insincerity, having no confidence in mankind,
doubt lest the liberal geniality of this age be spurious.
They are small Pizarros in their way—by the
very princeliness of men's geniality stunned into distrust
of it.”

“Far be such distrust from you and me, my genial
friend,” cried the other fervently; “fill up, fill up!”

“Well, this all along seems a division of labor,”

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smiled the cosmopolitan. “I do about all the drinking,
and you do about all—the genial. But yours is a nature
competent to do that to a large population. And now,
my friend,” with a peculiarly grave air, evidently foreshadowing
something not unimportant, and very likely
of close personal interest; “wine, you know, opens the
heart, and—”

“Opens it!” with exultation, “it thaws it right out.
Every heart is ice-bound till wine melt it, and reveal the
tender grass and sweet herbage budding below, with
every dear secret, hidden before like a dropped jewel in a
snow-bank, lying there unsuspected through winter till
spring.”

“And just in that way, my dear Charlie, is one of
my little secrets now to be shown forth.”

“Ah!” eagerly moving round his chair, “what is it?”

“Be not so impetuous, my dear Charlie. Let me
explain. You see, naturally, I am a man not overgifted
with assurance; in general, I am, if anything, diffidently
reserved; so, if I shall presently seem otherwise, the reason
is, that you, by the geniality you have evinced in all
your talk, and especially the noble way in which, while
affirming your good opinion of men, you intimated that
you never could prove false to any man, but most by
your indignation at a particularly illiberal passage in
Polonius' advice—in short, in short,” with extreme embarrassment,
“how shall I express what I mean, unless
I add that by your whole character you impel me to
throw myself upon your nobleness; in one word, put
confidence in you, a generous confidence?”

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“I see, I see,” with heightened interest, “something
of moment you wish to confide. Now, what is it,
Frank? Love affair?”

“No, not that.”

“What, then, my dear Frank? Speak—depend upon
me to the last. Out with it.”

“Out it shall come, then,” said the cosmopolitan
“I am in want, urgent want, of money.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXXI. A METAMORPHOSIS MORE SUPRISING THAN ANY IN OVID.

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In want of money!” pushing back his chair as
from a suddenly-disclosed man-trap or crater.

“Yes,” naïvely assented the cosmopolitan, “and you
are going to loan me fifty dollars. I could almost wish
I was in need of more, only for your sake. Yes, my
dear Charlie, for your sake; that you might the better
prove your noble kindliness, my dear Charlie.”

“None of your dear Charlies,” cried the other,
springing to his feet, and buttoning up his coat, as if
hastily to depart upon a long journey.

“Why, why, why?” painfully looking up.

“None of your why, why, whys!” tossing out a foot,
“go to the devil, sir! Beggar, impostor!—never so
deceived in a man in my life.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXXII. SHOWING THAT THE AGE OF MAGIC AND MAGICIANS IS NOT YET OVER.

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While speaking or rather hissing those words, the
boon companion underwent much such a change as one
reads of in fairy-books. Out of old materials sprang a
new creature. Cadmus glided into the snake.

The cosmopolitan rose, the traces of previous feeling
vanished; looked steadfastly at his transformed friend a
moment, then, taking ten half-eagles from his pocket,
stooped down, and laid them, one by one, in a circle
round him; and, retiring a pace, waved his long tasseled
pipe with the air of a necromancer, an air heightened
by his costume, accompanying each wave with a solemn
murmur of cabalistical words.

Meantime, he within the magic-ring stood suddenly
rapt, exhibiting every symptom of a successful charm—
a turned cheek, a fixed attitude, a frozen eye; spellbound,
not more by the waving wand than by the ten
invincible talismans on the floor.

“Reappear, reappear, reappear, oh, my former friend!
Replace this hideous apparition with thy blest shape,
and be the token of thy return the words, `My dear
Frank.'”

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“My dear Frank,” now cried the restored friend,
cordially stepping out of the ring, with regained self-possession
regaining lost identity, “My dear Frank,
what a funny man you are; full of fun as an egg of
meat. How could you tell me that absurd story of
your being in need? But I relish a good joke too well
to spoil it by letting on. Of course, I humored the
thing; and, on my side, put on all the cruel airs you
would have me. Come, this little episode of fictitious
estrangement will but enhance the delightful reality.
Let us sit down again, and finish our bottle.”

“With all my heart,” said the cosmopolitan, dropping
the necromancer with the same facility with which he
had assumed it. “Yes,” he added, soberly picking
up the gold pieces, and returning them with a chink to
his pocket, “yes, I am something of a funny man now
and then; while for you, Charlie,” eying him in tenderness,
“what you say about your humoring the thing is
true enough; never did man second a joke better than
you did just now. You played your part better than I
did mine; you played it, Charlie, to the life.”

“You see, I once belonged to an amateur play
company; that accounts for it. But come, fill up,
and let's talk of something else.”

“Well,” acquiesced the cosmopolitan, seating himself,
and quietly brimming his glass, “what shall we talk
about?”

“Oh, anything you please,” a sort of nervously
accommodating.

“Well, suppose we talk about Charlemont?”

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“Charlemont? What's Charlemont? Who's Charlemont?”

“You shall hear, my dear Charlie,” answered the
cosmopolitan. “I will tell you the story of Charlemont,
the gentleman-madman.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXXIII. WHICH MAY PASS FOR WHATEVER IT MAY PROVE TO BE WORTH.

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But ere be given the rather grave story of Charlemont,
a reply must in civility be made to a certain voice
which methinks I hear, that, in view of past chapters,
and more particularly the last, where certain antics appear,
exclaims: How unreal all this is! Who did ever
dress or act like your cosmopolitan? And who, it
might be returned, did ever dress or act like harlequin?

Strange, that in a work of amusement, this severe
fidelity to real life should be exacted by any one, who,
by taking up such a work, sufficiently shows that he is
not unwilling to drop real life, and turn, for a time, to
something different. Yes, it is, indeed, strange that any
one should clamor for the thing he is weary of; that any
one, who, for any cause, finds real life dull, should yet
demand of him who is to divert his attention from it,
that he should be true to that dullness.

There is another class, and with this class we side,
who sit down to a work of amusement tolerantly as they
sit at a play, and with much the same expectations and
feelings. They look that fancy shall evoke scenes different
from those of the same old crowd round the

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customhouse counter, and same old dishes on the boardinghouse
table, with characters unlike those of the same
old acquaintances they meet in the same old way every
day in the same old street. And as, in real life, the proprieties
will not allow people to act out themselves with
that unreserve permitted to the stage; so, in books of
fiction, they look not only for more entertainment, but,
at bottom, even for more reality, than real life itself can
show. Thus, though they want novelty, they want
nature, too; but nature unfettered, exhilarated, in effect
transformed. In this way of thinking, the people in a
fiction, like the people in a play, must dress as nobody
exactly dresses, talk as nobody exactly talks, act as
nobody exactly acts. It is with fiction as with religion:
it should present another world, and yet one to which
we feel the tie.

If, then, something is to be pardoned to well-meant
endeavor, surely a little is to be allowed to that writer
who, in all his scenes, does but seek to minister to what,
as he understands it, is the implied wish of the more
indulgent lovers of entertainment, before whom harlequin
can never appear in a coat too parti-colored, or cut
capers too fantastic.

One word more. Though every one knows how
bootless it is to be in all cases vindicating one's self, never
mind how convinced one may be that he is never in the
wrong; yet, so precious to man is the approbation of
his kind, that to rest, though but under an imaginary
censure applied to but a work of imagination, is no easy
thing. The mention of this weakness will explain why

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all such readers as may think they perceive something
inharmonious between the boisterous hilarity of the
cosmopolitan with the bristling cynic, and his restrained
good-nature with the boon-companion, are now referred
to that chapter where some similar apparent inconsistency
in another character is, on general principles,
modestly endeavored to be apologized for.

-- --

CHAPTER XXXIV. IN WHICH THE COSMOPOLITAN TELLS THE STORY OF THE GENTLEMANMADMAN.

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Charlemont was a young merchant of French
descent, living in St. Louis—a man not deficient in
mind, and possessed of that sterling and captivating
kindliness, seldom in perfection seen but in youthful
bachelors, united at times to a remarkable sort of gracefully
devil-may-care and witty good-humor. Of course, he
was admired by everybody, and loved, as only mankind
can love, by not a few. But in his twenty-ninth year
a change came over him. Like one whose hair turns
gray in a night, so in a day Charlemont turned from
affable to morose. His acquaintances were passed without
greeting; while, as for his confidential friends, them
he pointedly, unscrupulously, and with a kind of fierceness,
cut dead.

“One, provoked by such conduct, would fain have
resented it with words as disdainful; while another,
shocked by the change, and, in concern for a friend,
magnanimously overlooking affronts, implored to know
what sudden, secret grief had distempered him. But

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from resentment and from tenderness Charlemont alike
turned away.

“Ere long, to the general surprise, the merchant
Charlemont was gazetted, and the same day it was reported
that he had withdrawn from town, but not
before placing his entire property in the hands of responsible
assigness for the benefit of creditors.

“Whither he had vanished, none could guess. At
length, nothing being heard, it was surmised that he
must have made away with himself—a surmise, doubtless,
originating in the remembrance of the change some
months previous to his bankruptcy—a change of a sort
only to be ascribed to a mind suddenly thrown from its
balance.

“Years passed. It was spring-time, and lo, one
bright morning, Charlemont lounged into the St. Louis
coffee-houses—gay, polite, humane, companionable, and
dressed in the height of costly elegance. Not only was
he alive, but he was himself again. Upon meeting with
old acquaintances, he made the first advances, and in
such a manner that it was impossible not to meet him
half-way. Upon other old friends, whom he did not
chance casually to meet, he either personally called, or
left his card and compliments for them; and to several,
sent presents of game or hampers of wine.

“They say the world is sometimes harshly unforgiving,
but it was not so to Charlemont. The world
feels a return of love for one who returns to it as he
did. Expressive of its renewed interest was a whisper,
an inquiring whisper, how now, exactly, so long after

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his bankruptcy, it fared with Charlemont's purse.
Rumor, seldom at a loss for answers, replied that he had
spent nine years in Marseilles in France, and there acquiring
a second fortune, had returned with it, a man
devoted henceforth to genial friendships.

“Added years went by, and the restored wanderer
still the same; or rather, by his noble qualities, grew up
like golden maize in the encouraging sun of good
opinions. But still the latent wonder was, what had
caused that change in him at a period when, pretty much
as now, he was, to all appearance, in the possession of
the same fortune, the same friends, the same popularity.
But nobody thought it would be the thing to question
him here.

“At last, at a dinner at his house, when all the guests
but one had successively departed; this remaining
guest, an old acquaintance, being just enough under
the influence of wine to set aside the fear of touching
upon a delicate point, ventured, in a way which perhaps
spoke more favorably for his heart than his tact, to beg
of his host to explain the one enigma of his life. Deep
melancholy overspread the before cheery face of Charlemont;
he sat for some moments tremulously silent; then
pushing a full decanter towards the guest, in a choked
voice, said: `No, no! when by art, and care, and time,
flowers are made to bloom over a grave, who would
seek to dig all up again only to know the mystery?—
The wine.' When both glasses were filled, Charlemont
took his, and lifting it, added lowly: `If ever, in days
to come, you shall see ruin at hand, and, thinking you

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understand mankind, shall tremble for your friendships,
and tremble for your pride; and, partly through love
for the one and fear for the other, shall resolve to be
beforehand with the world, and save it from a sin by
prospectively taking that sin to yourself, then will you
do as one I now dream of once did, and like him will
you suffer; but how fortunate and how grateful should
you be, if like him, after all that had happened, you
could be a little happy again.'

“When the guest went away, it was with the persuasion,
that though outwardly restored in mind as in
fortune, yet, some taint of Charlemont's old malady
survived, and that it was not well for friends to touch
one dangerous string.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH THE COSMOPOLITAN STRIKINGLY EVINCES THE ARTLESSNESS OF HIS NATURE.

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Well, what do you think of the story of Charlemont?”
mildly asked he who had told it.

“A very strange one,” answered the auditor, who had
been such not with perfect ease, “but is it true?”

“Of course not; it is a story which I told with
the purpose of every story-teller—to amuse. Hence, if
it seem strange to you, that strangeness is the romance;
it is what contrasts it with real life; it is the invention,
in brief, the fiction as opposed to the fact. For do but
ask yourself, my dear Charlie,” lovingly leaning over towards
him, “I rest it with your own heart now, whether
such a forereaching motive as Charlemont hinted
he had acted on in his change—whether such a motive,
I say, were a sort of one at all justified by the nature
of human society? Would you, for one, turn the
cold shoulder to a friend—a convivial one, say, whose
pennilessness should be suddenly revealed to you?”

“How can you ask me, my dear Frank? You know
I would scorn such meanness.” But rising somewhat
disconcerted—“really, early as it is, I think I must

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retire; my head,” putting up his hand to it, “feels unpleasantly;
this confounded elixir of logwood, little as I
drank of it, has played the deuce with me.”

“Little as you drank of this elixir of logwood? Why,
Charlie, you are losing your mind. To talk so of the
genuine, mellow old port. Yes, I think that by all
means you had better away, and sleep it off. There—
don't apologize—don't explain—go, go—I understand
you exactly. I will see you to-morrow.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXXVI. IN WHICH THE COSMOPOLITAN IS ACCOSTED BY A MYSTIC, WHEREUPON ENSUES PRETTY MUCH SUCH TALK AS MIGHT BE EXPECTED.

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As, not without some haste, the boon companion withdrew,
a stranger advanced, and touching the cosmopolitan,
said: “I think I heard you say you would see that
man again. Be warned; don't you do so.”

He turned, surveying the speaker; a blue-eyed man,
sandy-haired, and Saxon-looking; perhaps five and
forty; tall, and, but for a certain angularity, well made;
little touch of the drawing-room about him, but a look of
plain propriety of a Puritan sort, with a kind of farmer
dignity. His age seemed betokened more by his brow,
placidly thoughtful, than by his general aspect, which
had that look of youthfulness in maturity, peculiar
sometimes to habitual health of body, the original gift
of nature, or in part the effect or reward of steady temperance
of the passions, kept so, perhaps, by constitution
as much as morality. A neat, comely, almost
ruddy cheek, coolly fresh, like a red clover-blossom at
coolish dawn—the color of warmth preserved by the
virtue of chill. Toning the whole man, was one-knows-not-what
of shrewdness and mythiness, strangely

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jumbled; in that way, he seemed a kind of cross between
a Yankee peddler and a Tartar priest, though it seemed
as if, at a pinch, the first would not in all probability
play second fiddle to the last.

“Sir,” said the cosmopolitan, rising and bowing with
slow dignity, “if I cannot with unmixed satisfaction
hail a hint pointed at one who has just been clinking
the social glass with me, on the other hand, I am not
disposed to underrate the motive which, in the present
case, could alone have prompted such an intimation.
My friend, whose seat is still warm, has retired for the
night, leaving more or less in his bottle here. Pray, sit
down in his seat, and partake with me; and then, if
you choose to hint aught further unfavorable to the man,
the genial warmth of whose person in part passes into
yours, and whose genial hospitality meanders through
you—be it so.”

“Quite beautiful conceits,” said the stranger, now
scholastically and artistically eying the picturesque
speaker, as if he were a statue in the Pitti Palace;
“very beautiful:” then with the gravest interest,
“yours, sir, if I mistake not, must be a beautiful soul—
one full of all love and truth; for where beauty is,
there must those be.”

“A pleasing belief,” rejoined the cosmopolitan, beginning
with an even air, “and to confess, long ago it
pleased me. Yes, with you and Schiller, I am pleased
to believe that beauty is at bottom incompatible with
ill, and therefore am so eccentric as to have confidence
in the latent benignity of that beautiful creature, the

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rattle-snake, whose lithe neck and burnished maze of
tawny gold, as he sleekly curls aloft in the sun, who on
the prairie can behold without wonder?”

As he breathed these words, he seemed so to enter
into their spirit—as some earnest descriptive speakers
will—as unconsciously to wreathe his form and sidelong
crest his head, till he all but seemed the creature described.
Meantime, the stranger regarded him with
little surprise, apparently, though with much contemplativeness
of a mystical sort, and presently said:
“When charmed by the beauty of that viper, did it
never occur to you to change personalities with him?
to feel what it was to be a snake? to glide unsuspected
in grass? to sting, to kill at a touch; your whole beautiful
body one iridescent scabbard of death? In short,
did the wish never occur to you to feel yourself exempt
from knowledge, and conscience, and revel for a while
in the care-free, joyous life of a perfectly instinctive,
unscrupulous, and irresponsible creature?”

“Such a wish,” replied the other, not perceptibly
disturbed, “I must confess, never consciously was
mine. Such a wish, indeed, could hardly occur to ordinary
imaginations, and mine I cannot think much
above the average.”

“But now that the idea is suggested,” said the
stranger, with infantile intellectuality, “does it not
raise the desire?”

“Hardly. For though I do not think I have any uncharitable
prejudice against the rattle-snake, still, I
should not like to be one. If I were a rattle-snake now,

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there would be no such thing as being genial with men—
men would be afraid of me, and then I should be a very
lonesome and miserable rattle-snake.”

“True, men would be afraid of you. And why?
Because of your rattle, your hollow rattle—a sound, as
I have been told, like the shaking together of small, dry
skulls in a tune of the Waltz of Death. And here we
have another beautiful truth. When any creature is by
its make inimical to other creatures, nature in effect
labels that creature, much as an apothecary does a
poison. So that whoever is destroyed by a rattle-snake,
or other harmful agent, it is his own fault. He should
have respected the label. Hence that significant passage
in Scripture, `Who will pity the charmer that is
bitten with a serpent?'”

I would pity him,” said the cosmopolitan, a little
bluntly, perhaps.

“But don't you think,” rejoined the other, still maintaining
his passionless air, “don't you think, that for a
man to pity where nature is pitiless, is a little presuming?”

“Let casuists decide the casuistry, but the compassion
the heart decides for itself. But, sir,” deepening in
seriousness, “as I now for the first realize, you but a
moment since introduced the word irresponsible in a
way I am not used to. Now, sir, though, out of a tolerant
spirit, as I hope, I try my best never to be
frightened at any speculation, so long as it is pursued in
honesty, yet, for once, I must acknowledge that you do
really, in the point cited, cause me uneasiness; because

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a proper view of the universe, that view which is suited
to breed a proper confidence, teaches, if I err not, that
since all things are justly presided over, not very many
living agents but must be some way accountable.”

“Is a rattle-snake accountable?” asked the stranger
with such a preternaturally cold, gemmy glance out of
his pellucid blue eye, that he seemed more a metaphysical
merman than a feeling man; “is a rattle-snake
accountable?”

“If I will not affirm that it is,” returned the other,
with the caution of no inexperienced thinker, “neither
will I deny it. But if we suppose it so, I need not say
that such accountability is neither to you, nor me, nor
the Court of Common Pleas, but to something superior.”

He was proceeding, when the stranger would have
interrupted him; but as reading his argument in his eye,
the cosmopolitan, without waiting for it to be put into
words, at once spoke to it: “You object to my supposition,
for but such it is, that the rattle-snake's
accountability is not by nature manifest; but might not
much the same thing be urged against man's? A
reductio ad absurdum, proving the objection vain. But
if now,” he continued, “you consider what capacity
for mischief there is in a rattle-snake (observe, I do not
charge it with being mischievous, I but say it has the
capacity), could you well avoid admitting that that
would be no symmetrical view of the universe which
should maintain that, while to man it is forbidden to
kill, without judicial cause, his fellow, yet the

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rattlesnake has an implied permit of unaccountability to
murder any creature it takes capricious umbrage at—man
included?—But,” with a wearied air, “this is no genial
talk; at least it is not so to me. Zeal at unawares embarked
me in it. I regret it. Pray, sit down, and take
some of this wine.”

“Your suggestions are new to me,” said the other,
with a kind of condescending appreciativeness, as of
one who, out of devotion to knowledge, disdains not to
appropriate the least crumb of it, even from a pauper's
board; “and, as I am a very Athenian in hailing a new
thought, I cannot consent to let it drop so abruptly.
Now, the rattle-snake—”

“Nothing more about rattle-snakes, I beseech,” in
distress; “I must positively decline to reënter upon
that subject. Sit down, sir, I beg, and take some of this
wine.”

“To invite me to sit down with you is hospitable,”
collectedly acquiescing now in the change of topics;
“and hospitality being fabled to be of oriental origin,
and forming, as it does, the subject of a pleasing Arabian
romance, as well as being a very romantic thing in itself—
hence I always hear the expressions of hospitality
with pleasure. But, as for the wine, my regard for
that beverage is so extreme, and I am so fearful of letting
it sate me, that I keep my love for it in the lasting
condition of an untried abstraction. Briefly, I quaff
immense draughts of wine from the page of Hafiz, but
wine from a cup I seldom as much as sip.”

The cosmopolitan turned a mild glance upon the

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speaker, who, now occupying the chair opposite him, sat
there purely and coldly radiant as a prism. It seemed
as if one could almost hear him vitreously chime and
ring. That moment a waiter passed, whom, arresting
with a sign, the cosmopolitan bid go bring a goblet of
ice-water. “Ice it well, waiter,” said he; “and now,”
turning to the stranger, “will you, if you please, give
me your reason for the warning words you first addressed
to me?”

“I hope they were not such warnings as most warnings
are,” said the stranger; “warnings which do not
forewarn, but in mockery come after the fact. And yet
something in you bids me think now, that whatever
latent design your impostor friend might have had upon
you, it as yet remains unaccomplished. You read his
label.”

“And what did it say? `This is a genial soul.' So
you see you must either give up your doctrine of labels,
or else your prejudice against my friend. But tell me,”
with renewed earnestness, “what do you take him for?
What is he?”

“What are you? What am I? Nobody knows who
anybody is. The data which life furnishes, towards
forming a true estimate of any being, are as insufficient
to that end as in geometry one side given would be to
determine the triangle.”

“But is not this doctrine of triangles someway inconsistent
with your doctrine of labels?”

“Yes; but what of that? I seldom care to be consistent.
In a philosophical view, consistency is a certain

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level at all times, maintained in all the thoughts of
one's mind. But, since nature is nearly all hill and
dale, how can one keep naturally advancing in knowledge
without submitting to the natural inequalities in
the progress? Advance into knowledge is just like
advance upon the grand Erie canal, where, from the
character of the country, change of level is inevitable;
you are locked up and locked down with perpetual
inconsistencies, and yet all the time you get on; while
the dullest part of the whole route is what the boatmen
call the `long level'—a consistently-flat surface of sixty
miles through stagnant swamps.”

“In one particular,” rejoined the cosmopolitan, “your
simile is, perhaps, unfortunate. For, after all these
weary lockings-up and lockings-down, upon how much
of a higher plain do you finally stand? Enough to make
it an object? Having from youth been taught reverence
for knowledge, you must pardon me if, on but this one
account, I reject your analogy. But really you someway
bewitch me with your tempting discourse, so that
I keep straying from my point unawares. You tell me
you cannot certainly know who or what my friend is;
pray, what do you conjecture him to be?”

“I conjecture him to be what, among the ancient
Egyptians, was called a —” using some unknown
word.

“A —! And what is that?”

“A — is what Proclus, in a little note to his third
book on the theology of Plato, defines as — —”
coming out with a sentence of Greek.

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Holding up his glass, and steadily looking through its
transparency, the cosmopolitan rejoined: “That, in so
defining the thing, Proclus set it to modern understandings
in the most crystal light it was susceptible of, I
will not rashly deny; still, if you could put the defition
in words suited to perceptions like mine, I should
take it for a favor.

“A favor!” slightly lifting his cool eyebrows; “a
bridal favor I understand, a knot of white ribands, a
very beautiful type of the purity of true marriage; but of
other favors I am yet to learn; and still, in a vague way,
the word, as you employ it, strikes me as unpleasingly
significant in general of some poor, unheroic submission
to being done good to.”

Here the goblet of iced-water was brought, and, in
compliance with a sign from the cosmopolitan, was
placed before the stranger, who, not before expressing
acknowledgments, took a draught, apparently refreshing—
its very coldness, as with some is the case, proving
not entirely uncongenial.

At last, setting down the goblet, and gently wiping
from his lips the beads of water freshly clinging there
as to the valve of a coral-shell upon a reef, he turned
upon the cosmopolitan, and, in a manner the most cool,
self-possessed, and matter-of-fact possible, said: “I hold
to the metempsychosis; and whoever I may be now, I
feel that I was once the stoic Arrian, and have inklings
of having been equally puzzled by a word in the current
language of that former time, very probably answering
to your word favor.

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“Would you favor me by explaining?” said the cosmopolitan,
blandly.

“Sir,” responded the stranger, with a very slight
degree of severity, “I like lucidity, of all things, and
am afraid I shall hardly be able to converse satisfactorily
with you, unless you bear it in mind.”

The cosmopolitan ruminatingly eyed him awhile, then
said: “The best way, as I have heard, to get out of a
labyrinth, is to retrace one's steps. I will accordingly
retrace mine, and beg you will accompany me. In
short, once again to return to the point: for what
reason did you warn me against my friend?”

“Briefly, then, and clearly, because, as before said, I
conjecture him to be what, among the ancient Egyptians—”

“Pray, now,” earnestly deprecated the cosmopolitan,
“pray, now, why disturb the repose of those ancient
Egyptians? What to us are their words or their
thoughts? Are we pauper Arabs, without a house of
our own, that, with the mummies, we must turn squatters
among the dust of the Catacombs?”

“Pharaoh's poorest brick-maker lies proudlier in his
rags than the Emperor of all the Russias in his hollands,”
oracularly said the stranger; “for death, though
in a worm, is majestic; while life, though in a king, is
contemptible. So talk not against mummies. It is a
part of my mission to teach mankind a due reverence
for mummies.”

Fortunately, to arrest these incoherencies, or rather,
to vary them, a haggard, inspired-looking man now

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approached—a crazy beggar, asking alms under the form
of peddling a rhapsodical tract, composed by himself,
and setting forth his claims to some rhapsodical apostleship.
Though ragged and dirty, there was about him
no touch of vulgarity; for, by nature, his manner was
not unrefined, his frame slender, and appeared the more
so from the broad, untanned frontlet of his brow, tangled
over with a disheveled mass of raven curls, throwing a
still deeper tinge upon a complexion like that of a
shriveled berry. Nothing could exceed his look of picturesque
Italian ruin and dethronement, heightened by
what seemed just one glimmering peep of reason, insufficient
to do him any lasting good, but enough, perhaps,
to suggest a torment of latent doubts at times, whether
his addled dream of glory were true.

Accepting the tract offered him, the cosmopolitan
glanced over it, and, seeming to see just what it was, closed
it, put it in his pocket, eyed the man a moment, then,
leaning over and presenting him with a shilling, said to
him, in tones kind and considerate: “I am sorry, my
friend, that I happen to be engaged just now; but,
having purchased your work, I promise myself much
satisfaction in its perusal at my earliest leisure.”

In his tattered, single-breasted frock-coat, buttoned
meagerly up to his chin, the shatter-brain made him a
bow, which, for courtesy, would not have misbecome a
viscount, then turned with silent appeal to the stranger.
But the stranger sat more like a cold prism than ever,
while an expression of keen Yankee cuteness, now replacing
his former mystical one, lent added icicles to his

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aspect. His whole air said: “Nothing from me.” The
repulsed petitioner threw a look full of resentful pride
and cracked disdain upon him, and went his way.

“Come, now,” said the cosmopolitan, a little reproachfully,
“you ought to have sympathized with that man;
tell me, did you feel no fellow-feeling? Look at his
tract here, quite in the transcendental vein.”

“Excuse me,” said the stranger, declining the tract,
“I never patronize scoundrels.”

“Scoundrels?”

“I detected in him, sir, a damning peep of sense—
damning, I say; for sense in a seeming madman is scoundrelism.
I take him for a cunning vagabond, who picks
up a vagabond living by adroitly playing the madman.
Did you not remark how he flinched under my eye?'

“Really,” drawing a long, astonished breath, “I could
hardly have divined in you a temper so subtlely distrustful.
Flinched? to be sure he did, poor fellow;
you received him with so lame a welcome. As for his
adroitly playing the madman, invidious critics might
object the same to some one or two strolling magi of
these days. But that is a matter I know nothing about.
But, once more, and for the last time, to return to the
point: why sir, did you warn me against my friend? I
shall rejoice, if, as I think it will prove, your want of
confidence in my friend rests upon a basis equally slender
with your distrust of the lunatic. Come, why did you
warn me? Put it, I beseech, in few words, and those
English.”

“I warned you against him because he is suspected

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for what on these boats is known—so they tell me—as
a Mississippi operator.”

“An operator, ah? he operates, does he? My friend,
then is something like what the Indians call a Great
Medicine, is he? He operates, he purges, he drains off
the repletions.”

“I perceive, sir,” said the stranger, constitutionally
obtuse to the pleasant drollery, “that your notion, of
what is called a Great Medicine, needs correction. The
Great Medicine among the Indians is less a bolus than a
man in grave esteem for his politic sagacity.”

“And is not my friend politic? Is not my friend sagacious?
By your own definition, is not my friend a Great
Medicine?”

“No, he is an operator, a Mississippi operator; an
equivocal character. That he is such, I little doubt,
having had him pointed out to me as such by one desirous
of initiating me into any little novelty of this
western region, where I never before traveled. And,
sir, if I am not mistaken, you also are a stranger here
(but, indeed, where in this strange universe is not one a
stranger?) and that is a reason why I felt moved to warn
you against a companion who could not be otherwise
than perilous to one of a free and trustful disposition.
But I repeat the hope, that, thus far at least, he has not
succeeded with you, and trust that, for the future, he
will not.”

“Thank you for your concern; but hardly can I equally
thank you for so steadily maintaining the hypothesis
of my friend's objectionableness. True, I but made his

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acquaintance for the first to-day, and know little of his
antecedents; but that would seem no just reason why a
nature like his should not of itself inspire confidence.
And since your own knowledge of the gentleman is not,
by your account, so exact as it might be, you will pardon
me if I decline to welcome any further suggestions unflattering
to him. Indeed, sir,” with friendly decision,
“let us change the subject.”

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Melville, Herman, 1819-1891 [1857], The confidence-man: his masquerade. (Dix, Edwards & Co., New York) [word count] [eaf640T].
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