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Melville, Herman, 1819-1891 [1857], The confidence-man: his masquerade. (Dix, Edwards & Co., New York) [word count] [eaf640T].
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Front matter Covers, Edges and Spine

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Preliminaries

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Lillian Gary Taylor; Robert C. Taylor; Eveline V. Maydell, N. York 1923. [figure description] Paste-Down Endpaper with Bookplate: silhouette of seated man on right side and seated woman on left side. The man is seated in a adjustable, reclining armchair, smoking a pipe and reading a book held in his lap. A number of books are on the floor next to or beneath the man's chair. The woman is seated in an armchair and appears to be knitting. An occasional table (or end table) with visible drawer handles stands in the middle of the image, between the seated man and woman, with a vase of flowers and other items on it. Handwritten captions appear below these images.[end figure description]

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Title Page THE
CONFIDENCE-MAN:
HIS MASQUERADE.
NEW YORK:
DIX, EDWARDS & CO., 321 BROADWAY.
1857.

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Entered, according to act of Congress, in the year 1857, by
HERMAN MELVILLE,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the
Southern District of New York.
Miller & Holman,
Printers and Stereotypers, N. Y.

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CONTENTS.

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CHAPTER I.
A mute goes aboard a boat on the Mississippi.

CHAPTER II.
Showing that many men have many minds.

CHAPTER III.
In which a variety of characters appear.

CHAPTER IV.
Renewal of old acquaintance.

CHAPTER V.
The man with the weed makes it an even question whether he be a great sage
or a great simpleton.

CHAPTER VI.
At the outset of which certain passengers prove deaf to the call of charity.

CHAPTER VII.
A gentleman with gold sleeve-buttons.

CHAPTER VIII.
A charitable lady.

CHAPTER IX.
Two business men transact a little business.

CHAPTER X.
In the cabin.

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CHAPTER XI.
Only a page or so.

CHAPTER XII.
The story of the unfortunate man, from which may be gathered whether or no
he has been justly so entitled.

CHAPTER XIII.
The man with the traveling-cap evinces much humanity, and in a way which
would seem to show him to be one of the most logical of optimists.

CHAPTER XIV.
Worth the consideration of those to whom it may prove worth considering.

CHAPTER XV.
An old miser, upon suitable representations, is prevailed upon to venture an
investment.

CHAPTER XVI.
A sick man, after some impatience, is induced to become a patient.

CHAPTER XVII.
Towards the end of which the Herb-Doctor proves himself a forgiver of injuries.

CHAPTER XVIII.
Inquest into the true character of the Herb-Doctor.

CHAPTER XIX.
A soldier of fortune.

CHAPTER XX.
Reappearance of one who may be remembered.

CHAPTER XXI.
A hard case.

CHAPTER XXII.
In the polite spirit of the Tusculan disputations.

CHAPTER XXIII.
In which the powerful effect of natural scenery is evinced in the case of the
Missourian, who, in view of the region round about Cairo, has a return of
his chilly fit.

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CHAPTER XXIV.
A philanthropist undertakes to convert a misanthrope, but does not get beyond
confuting him.

CHAPTER XXV.
The Cosmopolitan makes an acquaintance.

CHAPTER XXVI.
Containing the metaphysics of Indian-hating, according to the views of one
evidently as prepossessed as Rousseau in favor of savages.

CHAPTER XXVII.
Some account of a man of questionable morality, but who, nevertheless, would
seem entitled to the esteem of that eminent English moralist who said he
liked a good hater.

CHAPTER XXVIII.
Moot points touching the late Colonel John Moredock.

CHAPTER XXIX.
The boon companions.

CHAPTER XXX.
Opening with a poetical eulogy of the Press, and continuing with talk inspired
by the same.

CHAPTER XXXI.
A metamorphosis more surprising than any in Ovid.

CHAPTER XXXII.
Showing that the age of music and magicians is not yet over.

CHAPTER XXXIII.
Which may pass for whatever it may prove to be worth.

CHAPTER XXXIV.
In which the Cosmopolitan tells the story of the gentleman-madman.

CHAPTER XXXV.
In which the Cosmopolitan strikingly evinces the artlessness of his nature.

CHAPTER XXXVI.
In which the Cosmopolitan is accosted by a mystic, whereupon ensues pretty
much such talk as might be expected.

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CHAPTER XXXVII.
The mystical master introduces the practical disciple.

CHAPTER XXXVIII.
The disciple unbends, and consents to act a social part.

CHAPTER XXXIX.
The hypothetical friends.

CHAPTER XL.
In which the story of China Aster is, at second-hand, told by one who, while not
disapproving the moral, disclaims the spirit of the style.

CHAPTER XLI.
Ending with a rupture of the hypothesis.

CHAPTER XLII.
Upon the heel of the last scene, the Cosmopolitan enters the barber's shop, a
benediction on his lips.

CHAPTER XLIII.
Very charming.

CHAPTER XLIV.
In which the last three words of the last chapter are made the text of the discourse,
which will be sure of receiving more or less attention from those
readers who do not skip it.

CHAPTER XLV.
The Cosmopolitan increases in seriousness.

Main text

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CHAPTER I. A MUTE GOES ABOARD A BOAT ON THE MISSISSIPPI.

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At sunrise on a first of April, there appeared, suddenly
as Manco Capac at the lake Titicaca, a man in
cream-colors, at the water-side in the city of St. Louis.

His cheek was fair, his chin downy, his hair flaxen,
his hat a white fur one, with a long fleecy nap. He
had neither trunk, valise, carpet-bag, nor parcel. No
porter followed him. He was unaccompanied by
friends. From the shrugged shoulders, titters, whispers,
wonderings of the crowd, it was plain that he
was, in the extremest sense of the word, a stranger.

In the same moment with his advent, he stepped
aboard the favorite steamer Fidèle, on the point of
starting for New Orleans. Stared at, but unsaluted,
with the air of one neither courting nor shunning
regard, but evenly pursuing the path of duty, lead it
through solitudes or cities, he held on his way along

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the lower deck until he chanced to come to a placard
nigh the captain's office, offering a reward for the
capture of a mysterious impostor, supposed to have
recently arrived from the East; quite an original
genius in his vocation, as would appear, though wherein
his originality consisted was not clearly given; but
what purported to be a careful description of his person
followed.

As if it had been a theatre-bill, crowds were gathered
about the announcement, and among them certain
chevaliers, whose eyes, it was plain, were on the capitals,
or, at least, earnestly seeking sight of them from
behind intervening coats; but as for their fingers, they
were enveloped in some myth; though, during a chance
interval, one of these chevaliers somewhat showed his
hand in purchasing from another chevalier, ex-officio a
peddler of money-belts, one of his popular safe-guards,
while another peddler, who was still another versatile
chevalier, hawked, in the thick of the throng, the lives
of Measan, the bandit of Ohio, Murrel, the pirate of
the Mississippi, and the brothers Harpe, the Thugs
of the Green River country, in Kentucky—creatures,
with others of the sort, one and all exterminated at the
time, and for the most part, like the hunted generations
of wolves in the same regions, leaving comparatively
few successors; which would seem cause for unalloyed
gratulation, and is such to all except those who think
that in new countries, where the wolves are killed off,
the foxes increase.

Pausing at this spot, the stranger so far succeeded

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in threading his way, as at last to plant himself just
beside the placard, when, producing a small slate and
tracing some words upon it, he held it up before him
on a level with the placard, so that they who read the
one might read the other. The words were these:—

“Charity thinketh no evil.”

As, in gaining his place, some little perseverance, not
to say persistence, of a mildly inoffensive sort, had been
unavoidable, it was not with the best relish that the
crowd regarded his apparent intrusion; and upon a
more attentive survey, perceiving no badge of authority
about him, but rather something quite the contrary—
he being of an aspect so singularly innocent;
an aspect, too, which they took to be somehow inappropriate
to the time and place, and inclining to the
notion that his writing was of much the same sort: in
short, taking him for some strange kind of simpleton,
harmless enough, would he keep to himself, but not
wholly unobnoxious as an intruder — they made no
scruple to jostle him aside; while one, less kind than
the rest, or more of a wag, by an unobserved stroke,
dexterously flattened down his fleecy hat upon his
head. Without readjusting it, the stranger quietly
turned, and writing anew upon the slate, again held
it up:—

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind.”

Illy pleased with his pertinacity, as they thought it,
the crowd a second time thrust him aside, and not
without epithets and some buffets, all of which were

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unresented. But, as if at last despairing of so difficult
an adventure, wherein one, apparently a non-resistant,
sought to impose his presence upon fighting characters,
the stranger now moved slowly away, yet not before
altering his writing to this:—

“Charity endureth all things.”

Shield-like bearing his slate before him, amid stares
and jeers he moved slowly up and down, at his turning
points again changing his inscription to—

“Charity believeth all things.”

and then—

“Charity never faileth.”

The word charity, as originally traced, remained
throughout uneffaced, not unlike the left-hand numeral
of a printed date, otherwise left for convenience in
blank.

To some observers, the singularity, if not lunacy, of
the stranger was heightened by his muteness, and, perhaps
also, by the contrast to his proceedings afforded in
the actions—quite in the wonted and sensible order of
things — of the barber of the boat, whose quarters,
under a smoking-saloon, and over against a bar-room,
was next door but two to the captain's office. As if
the long, wide, covered deck, hereabouts built up on
both sides with shop-like windowed spaces, were some
Constantinople arcade or bazaar, where more than one
trade is plied, this river barber, aproned and slippered,
but rather crusty-looking for the moment, it may be
from being newly out of bed, was throwing open his

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premises for the day, and suitably arranging the exterior.
With business-like dispatch, having rattled down
his shutters, and at a palm-tree angle set out in the
iron fixture his little ornamental pole, and this without
overmuch tenderness for the elbows and toes of the
crowd, he concluded his operations by bidding people
stand still more aside, when, jumping on a stool, he
hung over his door, on the customary nail, a gaudy sort
of illuminated pasteboard sign, skillfully executed by
himself, gilt with the likeness of a razor elbowed in
readiness to shave, and also, for the public benefit, with
two words not unfrequently seen ashore gracing other
shops besides barbers':—

No trust.

An inscription which, though in a sense not less intrusive
than the contrasted ones of the stranger, did
not, as it seemed, provoke any corresponding derision
or surprise, much less indignation; and still less, to all
appearances, did it gain for the inscriber the repute of
being a simpleton.

Meanwhile, he with the slate continued moving
slowly up and down, not without causing some stares
to change into jeers, and some jeers into pushes, and
some pushes into punches; when suddenly, in one of
his turns, he was hailed from behind by two porters
carrying a large trunk; but as the summons, though
loud, was without effect, they accidentally or otherwise
swung their burden against him, nearly overthrowing
him; when, by a quick start, a peculiar inarticulate
moan, and a pathetic telegraphing of his fingers, he

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involuntarily betrayed that he was not alone dumb,
but also deaf.

Presently, as if not wholly unaffected by his reception
thus far, he went forward, seating himself in a
retired spot on the forecastle, nigh the foot of a ladder
there leading to a deck above, up and down which ladder
some of the boatmen, in discharge of their duties,
were occasionally going.

From his betaking himself to this humble quarter,
it was evident that, as a deck-passenger, the stranger,
simple though he seemed, was not entirely ignorant of
his place, though his taking a deck-passage might have
been partly for convenience; as, from his having no
luggage, it was probable that his destination was one
of the small wayside landings within a few hours' sail.
But, though he might not have a long way to go, yet he
seemed already to have come from a very long distance.

Though neither soiled nor slovenly, his cream-colored
suit had a tossed look, almost linty, as if, traveling
night and day from some far country beyond the prairies,
he had long been without the solace of a bed.
His aspect was at once gentle and jaded, and, from the
moment of seating himself, increasing in tired abstraction
and dreaminess. Gradually overtaken by slumber,
his flaxen head drooped, his whole lamb-like figure
relaxed, and, half reclining against the ladder's foot, lay
motionless, as some sugar-snow in March, which, softly
stealing down over night, with its white placidity startles
the brown farmer peering out from his threshold at
daybreak.

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CHAPTER II. SHOWING THAT MANY MEN HAVE MANY MINDS.

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“Odd fish!”

“Poor fellow!”

“Who can he be?”

“Casper Hauser.”

“Bless my soul!”

“Uncommon countenance.”

“Green prophet from Utah.”

“Humbug!”

“Singular innocence.”

“Means something.”

“Spirit-rapper.”

“Moon-calf.”

“Piteous.”

“Trying to enlist interest.”

“Beware of him.”

“Fast asleep here, and, doubtless, pick-pockets on
board.”

“Kind of daylight Endymion.”

“Escaped convict, worn out with dodging.”

“Jacob dreaming at Luz.”

Such the epitaphic comments, conflictingly spoken or
thought, of a miscellaneous company, who, assembled

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on the overlooking, cross-wise balcony at the forward
end of the upper deck near by, had not witnessed preceding
occurrences.

Meantime, like some enchanted man in his grave,
happily oblivious of all gossip, whether chiseled or
chatted, the deaf and dumb stranger still tranquilly
slept, while now the boat started on her voyage.

The great ship-canal of Ving-King-Ching, in the
Flowery Kingdom, seems the Mississippi in parts,
where, amply flowing between low, vine-tangled
banks, flat as tow-paths, it bears the huge toppling
steamers, bedizened and lacquered within like imperial
junks.

Pierced along its great white bulk with two tiers of
small embrasure-like windows, well above the waterline,
the Fidèle, though, might at distance have been
taken by strangers for some whitewashed fort on a
floating isle.

Merchants on 'change seem the passengers that buzz
on her decks, while, from quarters unseen, comes a murmur
as of bees in the comb. Fine promenades, domed
saloons, long galleries, sunny balconies, confidential
passages, bridal chambers, state-rooms plenty as pigeonholes,
and out-of-the-way retreats like secret drawers
in an escritoire, present like facilities for publicity or
privacy. Auctioneer or coiner, with equal ease, might
somewhere here drive his trade.

Though her voyage of twelve hundred miles extends
from apple to orange, from clime to clime, yet, like
any small ferry-boat, to right and left, at every landing,

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the huge Fidèle still receives additional passengers in
exchange for those that disembark; so that, though
always full of strangers, she continually, in some degree,
adds to, or replaces them with strangers still
more strange; like Rio Janeiro fountain, fed from the
Cocovarde mountains, which is ever overflowing with
strange waters, but never with the same strange particles
in every part.

Though hitherto, as has been seen, the man in
cream-colors had by no means passed unobserved, yet
by stealing into retirement, and there going asleep
and continuing so, he seemed to have courted oblivion,
a boon not often withheld from so humble an applicant
as he. Those staring crowds on the shore were now
left far behind, seen dimly clustering like swallows on
eaves; while the passengers' attention was soon drawn
away to the rapidly shooting high bluffs and shot-towers
on the Missouri shore, or the bluff-looking Missourians
and towering Kentuckians among the throngs on the
decks.

By-and-by—two or three random stoppages having
been made, and the last transient memory of the slumberer
vanished, and he himself, not unlikely, waked up
and landed ere now—the crowd, as is usual, began in
all parts to break up from a concourse into various
clusters or squads, which in some cases disintegrated
again into quartettes, trios, and couples, or even solitaires;
involuntarily submitting to that natural law
which ordains dissolution equally to the mass, as in
time to the member.

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As among Chaucer's Canterbury pilgrims, or those
oriental ones crossing the Red Sea towards Mecca in
the festival month, there was no lack of variety. Natives
of all sorts, and foreigners; men of business and
men of pleasure; parlor men and backwoodsmen;
farm-hunters and fame-hunters; heiress-hunters, goldhunters,
buffalo-hunters, bee-hunters, happiness-hunters,
truth-hunters, and still keener hunters after all
these hunters. Fine ladies in slippers, and moccasined
squaws; Northern speculators and Eastern philosophers;
English, Irish, German, Scotch, Danes; Santa
Fé traders in striped blankets, and Broadway bucks in
cravats of cloth of gold; fine-looking Kentucky boatmen,
and Japanese-looking Mississippi cotton-planters;
Quakers in full drab, and United States soldiers in full
regimentals; slaves, black, mulatto, quadroon; modish
young Spanish Creoles, and old-fashioned French Jews;
Mormons and Papists; Dives and Lazarus; jesters and
mourners, teetotalers and convivialists, deacóns and
blacklegs; hard-shell Baptists and clay-eaters; grinning
negroes, and Sioux chiefs solemn as high-priests.
In short, a piebald parliament, an Anacharsis Cloots
congress of all kinds of that multiform pilgrim species,
man.

As pine, beech, birch, ash, hackmatack, hemlock,
spruce, bass-wood, maple, interweave their foliage in
the natural wood, so these varieties of mortals blended
their varieties of visage and garb. A Tartar-like picturesqueness;
a sort of pagan abandonment and assurance.
Here reigned the dashing and all-fusing spirit

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of the West, whose type is the Mississippi itself, which,
uniting the streams of the most distant and opposite
zones, pours them along, helter-skelter, in one cosmopolitan
and confident tide.

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CHAPTER III. IN WHICH A VARIETY OF CHARACTERS APPEAR.

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In the forward part of the boat, not the least attractive
object, for a time, was a grotesque negro cripple, in
two-cloth attire and an old coal-sifter of a tamborine
in his hand, who, owing to something wrong about his
legs, was, in effect, cut down to the stature of a Newfoundland
dog; his knotted black fleece and good-natured,
honest black face rubbing against the upper
part of people's thighs as he made shift to shuffle about,
making music, such as it was, and raising a smile even
from the gravest. It was curious to see him, out of his
very deformity, indigence, and houselessness, so cheerily
endured, raising mirth in some of that crowd, whose
own purses, hearths, hearts, all their possessions, sound
limbs included, could not make gay.

“What is your name, old boy?” said a purple-faced
drover, putting his large purple hand on the cripple's
bushy wool, as if it were the curled forehead of a black
steer.

“Der Black Guinea dey calls me, sar.”

“And who is your master, Guinea?”

“Oh sar, I am der dog widout massa.”

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“A free dog, eh? Well, on your account, I'm sorry
for that, Guinea. Dogs without masters fare hard.”

“So dey do, sar; so dey do. But you see, sar, dese
here legs? What ge'mman want to own dese here
legs?”

“But where do you live?”

“All 'long shore, sar; dough now I'se going to
see brodder at der landing; but chiefly I libs in der
city.”

“St. Louis, ah? Where do you sleep there of
nights?”

“On der floor of der good baker's oven, sar.”

“In an oven? whose, pray? What baker, I should
like to know, bakes such black bread in his oven,
alongside of his nice white rolls, too. Who is that
too charitable baker, pray?”

“Dar he be,” with a broad grin lifting his tambourine
high over his head.

“The sun is the baker, eh?”

“Yes sar, in der city dat good baker warms der stones
for dis ole darkie when he sleeps out on der pabements
o' nights.”

“But that must be in the summer only, old boy.
How about winter, when the cold Cossacks come
clattering and jingling? How about winter, old
boy?”

“Den dis poor old darkie shakes werry bad, I tell
you, sar. Oh sar, oh! don't speak ob der winter,” he
added, with a reminiscent shiver, shuffling off into the
thickest of the crowd, like a half-frozen black sheep

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nudging itself a cozy berth in the heart of the white
flock.

Thus far not very many pennies had been given him,
and, used at last to his strange looks, the less polite passengers
of those in that part of the boat began to get
their fill of him as a curious object; when suddenly the
negro more than revived their first interest by an expedient
which, whether by chance or design, was a singular
temptation at once to diversion and charity, though,
even more than his crippled limbs, it put him on a
canine footing. In short, as in appearance he seemed
a dog, so now, in a merry way, like a dog he began to
be treated. Still shuffling among the crowd, now and
then he would pause, throwing back his head and
opening his mouth like an elephant for tossed apples
at a menagerie; when, making a space before him, people
would have a bout at a strange sort of pitch-penny
game, the cripple's mouth being at once target and
purse, and he hailing each expertly-caught copper with
a cracked bravura from his tambourine. To be the subject
of alms-giving is trying, and to feel in duty bound
to appear cheerfully grateful under the trial, must be
still more so; but whatever his secret emotions, he
swallowed them, while still retaining each copper this
side the œsophagus. And nearly always he grinned,
and only once or twice did he wince, which was when
certain coins, tossed by more playful almoners, came
inconveniently nigh to his teeth, an accident whose
unwelcomeness was not unedged by the circumstance
that the pennies thus thrown proved buttons.

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While this game of charity was yet at its height, a
limping, gimlet-eyed, sour-faced person — it may be
some discharged custom-house officer, who, suddenly
stripped of convenient means of support, had concluded
to be avenged on government and humanity
by making himself miserable for life, either by hating
or suspecting everything and everybody—this shallow
unfortunate, after sundry sorry observations of the negro,
began to croak out something about his deformity
being a sham, got up for financial purposes, which immediately
threw a damp upon the frolic benignities of
the pitch-penny players.

But that these suspicions came from one who himself
on a wooden leg went halt, this did not appear to
strike anybody present. That cripples, above all men
should be companionable, or, at least, refrain from picking
a fellow-limper to pieces, in short, should have a
little sympathy in common misfortune, seemed not to
occur to the company.

Meantime, the negro's countenance, before marked
with even more than patient good-nature, drooped
into a heavy-hearted expression, full of the most
painful distress. So far abased beneath its proper
physical level, that Newfoundland-dog face turned in
passively hopeless appeal, as if instinct told it that the
right or the wrong might not have overmuch to do
with whatever wayward mood superior intelligences
might yield to.

But instinct, though knowing, is yet a teacher set
below reason, which itself says, in the grave words of

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Lysander in the comedy, after Puck has made a sage of
him with his spell:—

“The will of man is by his reason swayed.”

So that, suddenly change as people may, in their dispositions,
it is not always waywardness, but improved
judgment, which, as in Lysander's case, or the present,
operates with them.

Yes, they began to scrutinize the negro curiously
enough; when, emboldened by this evidence of the
efficacy of his words, the wooden-legged man hobbled
up to the negro, and, with the air of a beadle, would,
to prove his alleged imposture on the spot, have stripped
him and then driven him away, but was prevented
by the crowd's clamor, now taking part with the poor
fellow, against one who had just before turned nearly
all minds the other way. So he with the wooden leg
was forced to retire; when the rest, finding themselves
left sole judges in the case, could not resist the opportunity
of acting the part: not because it is a human
weakness to take pleasure in sitting in judgment upon
one in a box, as surely this unfortunate negro now
was, but that it strangely sharpens human perceptions,
when, instead of standing by and having their
fellow-feelings touched by the sight of an alleged culprit
severely handled by some one justiciary, a crowd
suddenly come to be all justiciaries in the same case
themselves; as in Arkansas once, a man proved guilty,
by law, of murder, but whose condemnation was deemed

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unjust by the people, so that they rescued him to try
him themselves; whereupon, they, as it turned out,
found him even guiltier than the court had done, and
forthwith proceeded to execution; so that the gallows
presented the truly warning spectacle of a man hanged
by his friends.

But not to such extremities, or anything like them,
did the present crowd come; they, for the time, being
content with putting the negro fairly and discreetly to
the question; among other things, asking him, had he
any documentary proof, any plain paper about him,
attesting that his case was not a spurious one.

“No, no, dis poor ole darkie haint none o' dem waloable
papers,” he wailed.

“But is there not some one who can speak a good
word for you?” here said a person newly arrived from
another part of the boat, a young Episcopal clergyman,
in a long, straight-bodied black coat; small in stature,
but manly; with a clear face and blue eye; innocence,
tenderness, and good sense triumvirate in his air.

“Oh yes, oh yes, ge'mmen,” he eagerly answered,
as if his memory, before suddenly frozen up by cold
charity, as suddenly thawed back into fluidity at the
first kindly word. “Oh yes, oh yes, dar is aboard here
a werry nice, good ge'mman wid a weed, and a ge'mman
in a gray coat and white tie, what knows all about me;
and a ge'mman wid a big book, too; and a yarb-doctor;
and a ge'mman in a yaller west; and a ge'mman wid a
brass plate; and a ge'mman in a wiolet robe; and a
ge'mman as is a sodjer; and ever so many good, kind,

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honest ge'mmen more aboard what knows me and will
speak for me, God bress 'em; yes, and what knows me
as well as dis poor old darkie knows hisself, God bress
him! Oh, find 'em, find 'em,” he earnestly added, “and
let 'em come quick, and show you all, ge'mmen, dat dis
poor ole darkie is werry well wordy of all you kind
ge'mmen's kind confidence.”

“But how are we to find all these people in this
great crowd?” was the question of a bystander, umbrella
in hand; a middle-aged person, a country merchant
apparently, whose natural good-feeling had been
made at least cautious by the unnatural ill-feeling of
the discharged custom-house officer.

“Where are we to find them?” half-rebukefully
echoed the young Episcopal clergymen. “I will go
find one to begin with,” he quickly added, and, with
kind haste suiting the action to the word, away he
went.

“Wild goose chase!” croaked he with the wooden
leg, now again drawing nigh. “Don't believe there's
a soul of them aboard. Did ever beggar have such
heaps of fine friends? He can walk fast enough when
he tries, a good deal faster than I; but he can lie yet
faster. He's some white operator, betwisted and
painted up for a decoy. He and his friends are all
humbugs.”

“Have you no charity, friend?” here in self-subdued
tones, singularly contrasted with his unsubdued person,
said a Methodist minister, advancing; a tall, muscular,
martial-looking man, a Tennessean by birth, who in the

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Mexican war had been volunteer chaplain to a volunteer
rifle-regiment.

“Charity is one thing, and truth is another,” rejoined
he with the wooden leg: “he's a rascal, I say.”

“But why not, friend, put as charitable a construction
as one can upon the poor fellow?” said the soldierlike
Methodist, with increased difficulty maintaining a
pacific demeanor towards one whose own asperity
seemed so little to entitle him to it: “he looks honest,
don't he?”

“Looks are one thing, and facts are another,” snapped
out the other perversely; “and as to your constructions,
what construction can you put upon a rascal, but
that a rascal he is?”

“Be not such a Canada thistle,” urged the Methodist,
with something less of patience than before. “Charity,
man, charity.”

“To where it belongs with your charity! to heaven
with it!” again snapped out the other, diabolically;
“here on earth, true charity dotes, and false charity
plots. Who betrays a fool with a kiss, the charitable
fool has the charity to believe is in love with him,
and the charitable knave on the stand gives charitable
testimony for his comrade in the box.”

“Surely, friend,” returned the noble Methodist, with
much ado restraining his still waxing indignation —
“surely, to say the least, you forget yourself. Apply
it home,” he continued, with exterior calmness tremulous
with inkept emotion. “Suppose, now, I should
exercise no charity in judging your own character by

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the words which have fallen from you; what sort of
vile, pitiless man do you think I would take you for?”

“No doubt”—with a grin—“some such pitiless man
as has lost his piety in much the same way that the
jockey loses his honesty.”

“And how is that, friend?” still conscientiously
holding back the old Adam in him, as if it were a
mastiff he had by the neck.

“Never you mind how it is”—with a sneer; “but
all horses aint virtuous, no more than all men kind;
and come close to, and much dealt with, some things
are catching. When you find me a virtuous jockey, I
will find you a benevolent wise man.”

“Some insinuation there.”

“More fool you that are puzzled by it.”

“Reprobate!” cried the other, his indignation now
at last almost boiling over; “godless reprobate! if
charity did not restrain me, I could call you by names
you deserve.”

“Could you, indeed?” with an insolent sneer.

“Yea, and teach you charity on the spot,” cried the
goaded Methodist, suddenly catching this exasperating
opponent by his shabby coat-collar, and shaking him
till his timber-toe clattered on the deck like a nine-pin.
“You took me for a non-combatant did you?—thought,
seedy coward that you are, that you could abuse a
Christian with impunity. You find your mistake”—
with another hearty shake.

“Well said and better done, church militant!” cried
a voice.

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“The white cravat against the world!” cried another.

“Bravo, bravo!” chorused many voices, with like
enthusiasm taking sides with the resolute champion.

“You fools!” cried he with the wooden leg, writhing
himself loose and inflamedly turning upon the
throng; “you flock of fools, under this captain of fools,
in this ship of fools!”

With which exclamations, followed by idle threats
against his admonisher, this condign victim to justice
hobbled away, as disdaining to hold further argument
with such a rabble. But his scorn was more than
repaid by the hisses that chased him, in which the
brave Methodist, satisfied with the rebuke already
administered, was, to omit still better reasons, too
magnanimous to join. All he said was, pointing towards
the departing recusant, “There he shambles off
on his one lone leg, emblematic of his one-sided view
of humanity.”

“But trust your painted decoy,” retorted the other
from a distance, pointing back to the black cripple,
“and I have my revenge.”

“But we aint agoing to trust him!” shouted back a
voice.

“So much the better,” he jeered back. “Look
you,” he added, coming to a dead halt where he was;
“look you, I have been called a Canada thistle. Very
good. And a seedy one: still better. And the seedy
Canada thistle has been pretty well shaken among ye
best of all. Dare say some seed has been shaken out;

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and won't it spring though? And when it does spring,
do you cut down the young thistles, and won't they
spring the more? It's encouraging and coaxing 'em.
Now, when with my thistles your farms shall be well
stocked, why then—you may abandon 'em!”

“What does all that mean, now?” asked the country
merchant, staring.

“Nothing; the foiled wolf's parting howl,” said the
Methodist. “Spleen, much spleen, which is the rickety
child of his evil heart of unbelief: it has made him
mad. I suspect him for one naturally reprobate. Oh,
friends,” raising his arms as in the pulpit, “oh beloved,
how are we admonished by the melancholy spectacle of
this raver. Let us profit by the lesson; and is it not
this: that if, next to mistrusting Providence, there be
aught that man should pray against, it is against mistrusting
his fellow-man. I have been in mad-houses
full of tragic mopers, and seen there the end of suspicion:
the cynic, in the moody madness muttering in
the corner; for years a barren fixture there; head lopped
over, gnawing his own lip, vulture of himself;
while, by fits and starts, from the corner opposite came
the grimace of the idiot at him.”

“What an example,” whispered one.

“Might deter Timon,” was the response.

“Oh, oh, good ge'mmen, have you no confidence in
dis poor ole darkie?” now wailed the returning negro,
who, during the late scene, had stumped apart in
alarm.

“Confidence in you?” echoed he who had whispered,

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with abruptly changed air turning short round; “that
remains to be seen.”

“I tell you what it is, Ebony,” in similarly changed
tones said he who had responded to the whisperer,
“yonder churl,” pointing toward the wooden leg in
the distance, “is, no doubt, a churlish fellow enough,
and I would not wish to be like him; but that is no
reason why you may not be some sort of black Jeremy
Diddler.”

“No confidence in dis poor ole darkie, den?”

“Before giving you our confidence,” said a third,
“we will wait the report of the kind gentleman who
went in search of one of your friends who was to speak
for you.”

“Very likely, in that case,” said a fourth, “we shall
wait here till Christmas. Shouldn't wonder, did we not
see that kind gentleman again. After seeking awhile in
vain, he will conclude he has been made a fool of, and
so not return to us for pure shame. Fact is, I begin to
feel a little qualmish about the darkie myself. Something
queer about this darkie, depend upon it.”

Once more the negro wailed, and turning in despair
from the last speaker, imploringly caught the Methodist
by the skirt of his coat. But a change had come over
that before impassioned intercessor. With an irresolute
and troubled air, he mutely eyed the suppliant;
against whom, somehow, by what seemed instinctive
influences, the distrusts first set on foot were now generally
reviving, and, if anything, with added severity.

“No confidence in dis poor ole darkie,” yet again

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wailed the negro, letting go the coat-skirts and turning
appealingly all round him.

“Yes, my poor fellow, I have confidence in you,”
now exclaimed the country merchant before named,
whom the negro's appeal, coming so piteously on the
heel of pitilessness, seemed at last humanely to have
decided in his favor. “And here, here is some proof
of my trust,” with which, tucking his umbrella under
his arm, and diving down his hand into his pocket, he
fished forth a purse, and, accidentally, along with it,
his business card, which, unobserved, dropped to the
deck. “Here, here, my poor fellow,” he continued,
extending a half dollar.

Not more grateful for the coin than the kindness, the
cripple's face glowed like a polished copper saucepan,
and shuffling a pace nigher, with one upstretched hand
he received the alms, while, as unconsciously, his one
advanced leather stump covered the card.

Done in despite of the general sentiment, the good
deed of the merchant was not, perhaps, without its
unwelcome return from the crowd, since that good deed
seemed somehow to convey to them a sort of reproach.
Still again, and more pertinaciously than ever, the cry
arose against the negro, and still again he wailed forth
his lament and appeal; among other things, repeating
that the friends, of whom already he had partially run
off the list, would freely speak for him, would anybody
go find them.

“Why don't you go find 'em yourself?” demanded a
gruff boatman.

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“How can I go find 'em myself? Dis poor ole
game-legged darkie's friends must come to him. Oh,
whar, whar is dat good friend of dis darkie's, dat good
man wid de weed?”

At this point, a steward ringing a bell came along,
summoning all persons who had not got their tickets to
step to the captain's office; an announcement which
speedily thinned the throng about the black cripple,
who himself soon forlornly stumped out of sight,
probably on much the same errand as the rest.

-- --

CHAPTER IV. RENEWAL OF OLD ACQUANTANCE.

[figure description] Page 026.[end figure description]

“How do you do, Mr. Roberts?”

“Eh?”

“Don't you know me?”

“No, certainly.”

The crowd about the captain's office, having in good
time melted away, the above encounter took place in
one of the side balconies astern, between a man in
mourning clean and respectable, but none of the glossiest,
a long weed on his hat, and the country-merchant before-mentioned,
whom, with the familiarity of an old
acquaintance, the former had accosted.

“Is it possible, my dear sir,” resumed he with the
weed, “that you do not recall my countenance? why
yours I recall distinctly as if but half an hour, instead of
half an age, had passed since I saw you. Don't you
recall me, now? Look harder.”

“In my conscience—truly—I protest,” honestly
bewildered, “bless my soul, sir, I don't know you—
really, really. But stay, stay,” he hurriedly added, not
without gratification, glancing up at the crape on the
stranger's hat, “stay—yes—seems to me, though I have

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[figure description] Page 027.[end figure description]

not the pleasure of personally knowing you, yet I am
pretty sure I have at least heard of you, and recently
too, quite recently. A poor negro aboard here referred
to you, among others, for a character, I think.”

“Oh, the cripple. Poor fellow, I know him well.
They found me. I have said all I could for him. I think
I abated their distrust. Would I could have been of
more substantial service. And apropos, sir,” he added,
“now that it strikes me, allow me to ask, whether the
circumstance of one man, however humble, referring for a
character to another man, however afflicted, does not
argue more or less of moral worth in the latter?”

The good merchant looked puzzled.

“Still you don't recall my countenance?”

“Still does truth compel me to say that I cannot,
despite my best efforts,” was the reluctantly-candid reply.

“Can I be so changed? Look at me. Or is it I who
am mistaken?—Are you not, sir, Henry Roberts, forwarding
merchant, of Wheeling, Pennsylvania? Pray,
now, if you use the advertisement of business cards,
and happen to have one with you, just look at it, and see
whether you are not the man I take you for.”

“Why,” a bit chafed, perhaps, “I hope I know myself.”

“And yet self-knowledge is thought by some not so
easy. Who knows, my dear sir, but for a time you may
have taken yourself for somebody else? Stranger things
have happened.”

The good merchant stared.

“To come to particulars, my dear sir, I met you, now

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[figure description] Page 028.[end figure description]

some six years back, at Brade Brothers & Co.'s office, I
think. I was traveling for a Philadelphia house. The
senior Brade introduced us, you remember; some business-chat
followed, then you forced me home with you
to a family tea, and a family time we had. Have you
forgotten about the urn, and what I said about Werter's
Charlotte, and the bread and butter, and that capital
story you told of the large loaf. A hundred times since,
I have laughed over it. At least you must recall my
name—Ringman, John Ringman.”

“Large loaf? Invited you to tea? Ringman? Ringman?
Ring? Ring?”

“Ah sir,” sadly smiling, don't ring the changes that
way. I see you have a faithless memory, Mr. Roberts.
But trust in the faithfulness of mine.”

“Well, to tell the truth, in some things my memory
aint of the very best,” was the honest rejoinder. “But
still,” he perplexedly added, “still I—”

“Oh sir, suffice it that it is as I say. Doubt not that
we are all well acquainted.”

“But—but I don't like this going dead against my
own memory; I—”

“But didn't you admit, my dear sir, that in some
things this memory of yours is a little faithless? Now,
those who have faithless memories, should they not have
some little confidence in the less faithless memories of
others?”

“But, of this friendly chat and tea, I have not the
slightest—”

“I see, I see; quite erased from the tablet. Pray,

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[figure description] Page 029.[end figure description]

sir,” with a sudden illumination, “about six years back,
did it happen to you to receive any injury on the head?
Surprising effects have arisen from such a cause. Not
alone unconsciousness as to events for a greater or less
time immediately subsequent to the injury, but likewise—
strange to add—oblivion, entire and incurable, as to
events embracing a longer or shorter period immediately
preceding it; that is, when the mind at the time
was perfectly sensible of them, and fully competent also
to register them in the memory, and did in fact so do;
but all in vain, for all was afterwards bruised out by
the injury.”

After the first start, the merchant listened with what
appeared more than ordinary interest. The other proceeded:

“In my boyhood I was kicked by a horse, and lay
insensible for a long time. Upon recovering, what a
blank! No faintest trace in regard to how I had come
near the horse, or what horse it was, or where it was, or
that it was a horse at all that had brought me to that
pass. For the knowledge of those particulars I am indebted
solely to my friends, in whose statements, I need
not say, I place implicit reliance, since particulars of
some sort there must have been, and why should they
deceive me? You see, sir, the mind is ductile, very
much so: but images, ductilely received into it, need a
certain time to harden and bake in their impressions,
otherwise such a casualty as I speak of will in an instant
obliterate them, as though they had never been. We
are but clay, sir, potter's clay, as the good book says,

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[figure description] Page 030.[end figure description]

clay, feeble, and too-yielding clay. But I will not philosophize.
Tell me, was it your misfortune to receive
any concussion upon the brain about the period I speak
of? If so, I will with pleasure supply the void in your
memory by more minutely rehearsing the circumstances
of our acquaintance.”

The growing interest betrayed by the merchant had
not relaxed as the other proceeded. After some hesitation,
indeed, something more than hesitation, he confessed
that, though he had never received any injury of
the sort named, yet, about the time in question, he had
in fact been taken with a brain fever, losing his mind
completely for a considerable interval. He was continuing,
when the stranger with much animation exclaimed:

“There now, you see, I was not wholly mistaken.
That brain fever accounts for it all.”

“Nay; but—”

“Pardon me, Mr. Roberts,” respectfully interrupting
him, “but time is short, and I have something private
and particular to say to you. Allow me.”

Mr. Roberts, good man, could but acquiesce, and the
two having silently walked to a less public spot, the manner
of the man with the weed suddenly assumed a seriousness
almost painful. What might be called a writhing
expression stole over him. He seemed struggling with
some disastrous necessity inkept. He made one or two
attempts to speak, but words seemed to choke him.
His companion stood in humane surprise, wondering
what was to come. At length, with an effort

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[figure description] Page 031.[end figure description]

mastering his feelings, in a tolerably composed tone he
spoke:

“If I remember, you are a mason, Mr. Roberts?”

“Yes, yes.”

Averting himself a moment, as to recover from a return
of agitation, the stranger grasped the other's hand;
“and would you not loan a brother a shilling if he
needed it?”

The merchant started, apparently, almost as if to retreat.

“Ah, Mr. Roberts, I trust you are not one of those
business men, who make a business of never having to
do with unfortunates. For God's sake don't leave me.
I have something on my heart—on my heart. Under
deplorable circumstances thrown among strangers, utter
strangers. I want a friend in whom I may confide.
Yours, Mr. Roberts, is almost the first known face I've
seen for many weeks.”

It was so sudden an outburst; the interview offered
such a contrast to the scene around, that the merchant,
though not used to be very indiscreet, yet, being not
entirely inhumane, remained not entirely unmoved.

The other, still tremulous, resumed:

“I need not say, sir, how it cuts me to the soul, to
follow up a social salutation with such words as have
just been mine. I know that I jeopardize your good opinion.
But I can't help it: necessity knows no law, and
heeds no risk. Sir, we are masons, one more step aside;
I will tell you my story.”

In a low, half-suppressed tone, he began it. Judging

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[figure description] Page 032.[end figure description]

from his auditor's expression, it seemed to be a tale of
singular interest, involving calamities against which no
integrity, no forethought, no energy, no genius, no piety,
could guard.

At every disclosure, the hearer's commiseration increased.
No sentimental pity. As the story went on,
he drew from his wallet a bank note, but after a while,
at some still more unhappy revelation, changed it for
another, probably of a somewhat larger amount; which,
when the story was concluded, with an air studiously
disclamatory of alms-giving, he put into the stranger's
hands; who, on his side, with an air studiously disclamatory
of alms-taking, put it into his pocket.

Assistance being received, the stranger's manner assumed
a kind and degree of decorum which, under the
circumstances, seemed almost coldness. After some words,
not over ardent, and yet not exactly inappropriate, he
took leave, making a bow which had one knows not
what of a certain chastened independence about it; as
if misery, however burdensome, could not break down
self-respect, nor gratitude, however deep, humiliate a
gentleman.

He was hardly yet out of sight, when he paused as if
thinking; then with hastened steps returning to the
merchant, “I am just reminded that the president, who
is also transfer-agent, of the Black Rapids Coal Company,
happens to be on board here, and, having been subpœ
naed as witness in a stock case on the docket in Kentucky,
has his transfer-book with him. A month since,
in a panic contrived by artful alarmists, some credulous

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[figure description] Page 033.[end figure description]

stock-holders sold out; but, to frustrate the aim of the
alarmists, the Company, previously advised of their
scheme, so managed it as to get into its own hands those
sacrificed shares, resolved that, since a spurious panic
must be, the panic-makers should be no gainers by it.
The Company, I hear, is now ready, but not anxious, to
redispose of those shares; and having obtained them at
their depressed value, will now sell them at par, though,
prior to the panic, they were held at a handsome figure
above. That the readiness of the Company to do this
is not generally known, is shown by the fact that the
stock still stands on the transfer-book in the Company's
name, offering to one in funds a rare chance for investment.
For, the panic subsiding more and more every
day, it will daily be seen how it originated; confidence
will be more than restored; there will be a reaction;
from the stock's descent its rise will be higher than from
no fall, the holders trusting themselves to fear no second
fate.”

Having listened at first with curiosity, at last with
interest, the merchant replied to the effect, that some
time since, through friends concerned with it, he had
heard of the company, and heard well of it, but was ignorant
that there had latterly been fluctuations. He added
that he was no speculator; that hitherto he had avoided
having to do with stocks of any sort, but in the present
case he really felt something like being tempted. “Pray,”
in conclusion, “do you think that upon a pinch anything
could be transacted on board here with the transfer-agent?
Are you acquainted with him?”

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[figure description] Page 034.[end figure description]

“Not personally. I but happened to hear that he
was a passenger. For the rest, though it might be
somewhat informal, the gentleman might not object to
doing a little business on board. Along the Mississippi,
you know, business is not so ceremonious as at the
East.”

“True,” returned the merchant, and looked down a
moment in thought, then, raising his head quickly, said,
in a tone not so benign as his wonted one, “This would
seem a rare chance, indeed; why, upon first hearing it,
did you not snatch at it? I mean for yourself!”

“I?—would it had been possible!”

Not without some emotion was this said, and not
without some embarrassment was the reply. “Ah, yes,
I had forgotten.”

Upon this, the stranger regarded him with mild gravity,
not a little disconcerting; the more so, as there was
in it what seemed the aspect not alone of the superior,
but, as it were, the rebuker; which sort of bearing, in
a beneficiary towards his benefactor, looked strangely
enough; none the less, that, somehow, it sat not altogether
unbecomingly upon the beneficiary, being free
from anything like the appearance of assumption, and
mixed with a kind of painful conscientiousness, as
though nothing but a proper sense of what he owed to
himself swayed him. At length he spoke:

“To reproach a penniless man with remissness in not
availing himself of an opportunity for pecuniary investment—
but, no, no; it was forgetfulness; and this,
charity will impute to some lingering effect of that

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unfortunate brain-fever, which, as to occurrences dating
yet further back, disturbed Mr. Roberts's memory still
more seriously.”

“As to that,” said the merchant, rallying, “I am
not—”

“Pardon me, but you must admit, that just now, an
unpleasant distrust, however vague, was yours. Ah,
shallow as it is, yet, how subtle a thing is suspicion,
which at times can invade the humanest of hearts and
wisest of heads. But, enough. My object, sir, in calling
your attention to this stock, is by way of acknowledgment
of your goodness. I but seek to be grateful;
if my information leads to nothing, you must remember
the motive.”

He bowed, and finally retired, leaving Mr. Roberts
not wholly without self-reproach, for having momentarily
indulged injurious thoughts against one who, it was
evident, was possessed of a self-respect which forbade
his indulging them himself.

-- --

CHAPTER V. THE MAN WITH THE WEED MAKES IT AN EVEN QUESTION WHETHER HE BE A GREAT SAGE OR A GREAT SIMPLETON.

[figure description] Page 036.[end figure description]

Well, there is sorrow in the world, but goodness
too; and goodness that is not greenness, either, no more
than sorrow is. Dear good man. Poor beating heart!”

It was the man with the weed, not very long after
quitting the merchant, murmuring to himself with his
hand to his side like one with the heart-disease.

Meditation over kindness received seemed to have
softened him something, too, it may be, beyond what
might, perhaps, have been looked for from one whose
unwonted self-respect in the hour of need, and in the act
of being aided, might have appeared to some not wholly
unlike pride out of place; and pride, in any place, is
seldom very feeling. But the truth, perhaps, is, that
those who are least touched with that vice, besides being
not unsusceptible to goodness, are sometimes the
ones whom a ruling sense of propriety makes appear
cold, if not thankless, under a favor. For, at such a
time, to be full of warm, earnest words, and heart-felt
protestations, is to create a scene; and well-bred people
dislike few things more than that; which would

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[figure description] Page 037.[end figure description]

seem to look as if the world did not relish earnestness;
but, not so; because the world, being earnest itself, likes
an earnest scene, and an earnest man, very well, but
only in their place—the stage. See what sad work they
make of it, who, ignorant of this, flame out in Irish
enthusiasm and with Irish sincerity, to a benefactor,
who, if a man of sense and respectability, as well as
kindliness, can but be more or less annoyed by it;
and, if of a nervously fastidious nature, as some are,
may be led to think almost as much less favorably of
the beneficiary paining him by his gratitude, as if he had
been guilty of its contrary, instead only of an indiscretion.
But, beneficiaries who know better, though they
may feel as much, if not more, neither inflict such pain,
nor are inclined to run any risk of so doing. And these,
being wise, are the majority. By which one sees how
inconsiderate those persons are, who, from the absence
of its officious manifestations in the world, complain that
there is not much gratitude extant; when the truth is,
that there is as much of it as there is of modesty; but,
both being for the most part votarists of the shade, for
the most part keep out of sight.

What started this was, to account, if necessary, for
the changed air of the man with the weed, who, throwing
off in private the cold garb of decorum, and so giving
warmly loose to his genuine heart, seemed almost
transformed into another being. This subdued air of
softness, too, was toned with melancholy, melancholy
unreserved; a thing which, however at variance with
propriety, still the more attested his earnestness; for

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one knows not how it is, but it sometimes happens that,
where earnestness is, there, also, is melancholy.

At the time, he was leaning over the rail at the boat's
side, in his pensiveness, unmindful of another pensive
figure near—a young gentleman with a swan-neck,
wearing a lady-like open shirt collar, thrown back, and
tied with a black ribbon. From a square, tableted
broach, curiously engraved with Greek characters, he
seemed a collegian—not improbably, a sophomore—on
his travels; possibly, his first. A small book bound in
Roman vellum was in his hand.

Overhearing his murmuring neighbor, the youth
regarded him with some surprise, not to say interest.
But, singularly for a collegian, being apparently of a
retiring nature, he did not speak; when the other still
more increased his diffidence by changing from soliloquy
to colloquy, in a manner strangely mixed of familiarity
and pathos.

“Ah, who is this? You did not hear me, my young
friend, did you? Why, you, too, look sad. My melancholy
is not catching!”

“Sir, sir,” stammered the other.

“Pray, now,” with a sort of sociable sorrowfulness,
slowly sliding along the rail, “Pray, now, my young
friend, what volume have you there? Give me leave,”
gently drawing it from him. “Tacitus!” Then opening
it at random, read: “In general a black and shameful
period lies before me.” “Dear young sir,” touching
his arm alarmedly, “don't read this book. It is poison,
moral poison. Even were there truth in Tacitus,

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such truth would have the operation of falsity, and so
still be poison, moral poison. Too well I know this
Tacitus. In my college-days he came near souring me
into cynicism. Yes, I began to turn down my collar,
and go about with a disdainfully joyless expression.”

“Sir, sir, I—I—”

“Trust me. Now, young friend, perhaps you think
that Tacitus, like me, is only melancholy; but he's more—
he's ugly. A vast difference, young sir, between the
melancholy view and the ugly. The one may show the
world still beautiful, not so the other. The one may be
compatible with benevolence, the other not. The one
may deepen insight, the other shallows it. Drop Tacitus.
Phrenologically, my young friend, you would
seem to have a well-developed head, and large; but
cribbed within the ugly view, the Tacitus view, your
large brain, like your large ox in the contracted field,
will but starve the more. And don't dream, as some of
you students may, that, by taking this same ugly view,
the deeper meanings of the deeper books will so alone
become revealed to you. Drop Tacitus. His subtlety
is falsity. To him, in his double-refined anatomy of
human nature, is well applied the Scripture saying—
`There is a subtle man, and the same is deceived.' Drop
Tacitus. Come, now, let me throw the book overboard.”

“Sir, I—I—”

“Not a word; I know just what is in your mind, and
that is just what I am speaking to. Yes, learn from me
that, though the sorrows of the world are great, its

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wickedness—that is, its ugliness—is small. Much cause
to pity man, little to distrust him. I myself have known
adversity, and know it still. But for that, do I turn
cynic? No, no: it is small beer that sours. To my
fellow-creatures I owe alleviations. So, whatever I
may have undergone, it but deepens my confidence in
my kind. Now, then” (winningly), “this book—will
you let me drown it for you?”

“Really, sir—I—”

“I see, I see. But of course you read Tacitus in order
to aid you in understanding human nature—as if truth
was ever got at by libel. My young friend, if to know
human nature is your object, drop Tacitus and go north
to the cemeteries of Auburn and Greenwood.”

“Upon my word, I—I—”

“Nay, I foresee all that. But you carry Tacitus,
that shallow Tacitus. What do I carry? See”—producing
a pocket-volume—“Akenside—his `Pleasures
of Imagination.' One of these days you will know it.
Whatever our lot, we should read serene and cheery
books, fitted to inspire love and trust. But Tacitus! I
have long been of opinion that these classics are the bane
of colleges; for—not to hint of the immorality of Ovid,
Horace, Anacreon, and the rest, and the dangerous theology
of Eschylus and others—where will one find views
so injurious to human nature as in Thucydides, Juvenal,
Lucian, but more particularly Tacitus? When I consider
that, ever since the revival of learning, these classics
have been the favorites of successive generations of students
and studious men, I tremble to think of that mass

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of unsuspected heresy on every vital topic which for
centuries must have simmered unsurmised in the heart
of Christendom. But Tacitus—he is the most extraordinary
example of a heretic; not one iota of confidence in
his kind. What a mockery that such an one should be
reputed wise, and Thucydides be esteemed the statesman's
manual! But Tacitus—I hate Tacitus; not,
though, I trust, with the hate that sins, but a righteous
hate. Without confidence himself, Tacitus destroys it
in all his readers. Destroys confidence, paternal confidence,
of which God knows that there is in this world
none to spare. For, comparatively inexperienced as you
are, my dear young friend, did you never observe how
little, very little, confidence, there is? I mean between
man and man—more particularly between stranger and
stranger. In a sad world it is the saddest fact. Confidence!
I have sometimes almost thought that confidence
is fled; that confidence is the New Astrea—emigrated—
vanished—gone.” Then softly sliding nearer,
with the softest air, quivering down and looking up,
“could you now, my dear young sir, under such circumstances,
by way of experiment, simply have confidence
in me?

From the outset, the sophomore, as has been seen,
had struggled with an ever-increasing embarrassment,
arising, perhaps, from such strange remarks coming from
a stranger—such persistent and prolonged remarks, too.
In vain had he more than once sought to break the
spell by venturing a deprecatory or leave-taking word.
In vain. Somehow, the stranger fascinated him. Little

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wonder, then, that, when the appeal came, he could
hardly speak, but, as before intimated, being apparently
of a retiring nature, abruptly retired from the spot, leaving
the chagrined stranger to wander away in the opposite
direction.

-- --

CHAPTER VI. AT THE OUTSET OF WHICH CERTAIN PASSENGERS PROVE DEAF TO THE CALL OF CHARITY.

[figure description] Page 043.[end figure description]

—“You—pish! Why will the captain suffer these
begging fellows on board?”

These pettish words were breathed by a well-to-do
gentleman in a ruby-colored velvet vest, and with a ruby-colored
cheek, a ruby-headed cane in his hand, to a man in
a gray coat and white tie, who, shortly after the interview
last described, had accosted him for contributions to a
Widow and Orphan Asylum recently founded among the
Seminoles. Upon a cursory view, this last person might
have seemed, like the man with the weed, one of the less
unrefined children of misfortune; but, on a closer observation,
his countenance revealed little of sorrow, though
much of sanctity.

With added words of touchy disgust, the well-to-do
gentleman hurried away. But, though repulsed, and
rudely, the man in gray did not reproach, for a time
patiently remaining in the chilly loneliness to which he
had been left, his countenance, however, not without
token of latent though chastened reliance.

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At length an old gentleman, somewhat bulky, drew
nigh, and from him also a contribution was sought.

“Look, you,” coming to a dead halt, and scowling
upon him. “Look, you,” swelling his bulk out before
him like a swaying balloon, “look, you, you on others'
behalf ask for money; you, a fellow with a face as long
as my arm. Hark ye, now: there is such a thing as
gravity, and in condemned felons it may be genuine;
but of long faces there are three sorts; that of grief's
drudge, that of the lantern-jawed man, and that of the
impostor. You know best which yours is.”

“Heaven give you more charity, sir.”

“And you less hypocrisy, sir.”

With which words, the hard-hearted old gentleman
marched off.

While the other still stood forlorn, the young clergyman,
before introduced, passing that way, catching a
chance sight of him, seemed suddenly struck by some
recollection; and, after a moment's pause, hurried up
with: “Your pardon, but shortly since I was all over
looking for you.”

“For me?” as marveling that one of so little account
should be sought for.

“Yes, for you; do you know anything about the
negro, apparently a cripple, aboard here? Is he, or is
he not, what he seems to be?”

“Ah, poor Guinea! have you, too, been distrusted?
you, upon whom nature has placarded the evidence of
your claims?”

“Then you do really know him, and he is quite

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worthy? It relieves me to hear it—much relieves me.
Come, let us go find him, and see what can be done.”

“Another instance that confidence may come too
late. I am sorry to say that at the last landing I myself—
just happening to catch sight of him on the gangway-plank—
assisted the cripple ashore. No time to
talk, only to help. He may not have told you, but he
has a brother in that vicinity.”

“Really, I regret his going without my seeing him
again; regret it, more, perhaps, than you can readily think.
You see, shortly after leaving St. Louis, he was on the
forecastle, and there, with many others, I saw him, and
put trust in him; so much so, that, to convince those
who did not, I, at his entreaty, went in search of you,
you being one of several individuals he mentioned, and
whose personal appearance he more or less described,
individuals who he said would willingly speak for him.
But, after diligent search, not finding you, and catching
no glimpse of any of the others he had enumerated,
doubts were at last suggested; but doubts indirectly
originating, as I can but think, from prior distrust unfeelingly
proclaimed by another. Still, certain it is, I
began to suspect.”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

A sort of laugh more like a groan than a laugh; and
yet, somehow, it seemed intended for a laugh.

Both turned, and the young clergyman started at
seeing the wooden-legged man close behind him, morosely
grave as a criminal judge with a mustard-plaster
on his back. In the present case the mustard-plaster

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might have been the memory of certain recent biting
rebuffs and mortifications.

“Wouldn't think it was I who laughed, would you?”

“But who was it you laughed at? or rather, tried to
laugh at?” demanded the young clergyman, flushing,
“me?”

“Neither you nor any one within a thousand miles
of you. But perhaps you don't believe it.”

“If he were of a suspicious temper, he might not,”
interposed the man in gray calmly, “it is one of the
imbecilities of the suspicious person to fancy that every
stranger, however absent-minded, he sees so much as
smiling or gesturing to himself in any odd sort of way,
is secretly making him his butt. In some moods, the
movements of an entire street, as the suspicious man
walks down it, will seem an express pantomimic jeer at
him. In short, the suspicious man kicks himself with
his own foot.”

“Whoever can do that, ten to one he saves other
folks' sole-leather,” said the wooden-legged man with a
crusty attempt at humor. But with augmented grin
and squirm, turning directly upon the young clergyman,
“you still think it was you I was laughing at, just now.
To prove your mistake, I will tell you what I was
laughing at; a story I happened to call to mind just
then.”

Whereupon, in his porcupine way, and with sarcastic
details, unpleasant to repeat, he related a story, which
might, perhaps, in a good-natured version, be rendered
as follows:

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A certain Frenchman of New Orleans, an old man,
less slender in purse than limb, happening to attend
the theatre one evening, was so charmed with the
character of a faithful wife, as there represented to
the life, that nothing would do but he must marry upon
it. So, marry he did, a beautiful girl from Tennessee, who
had first attracted his attention by her liberal mould,
and was subsequently recommended to him through her
kin, for her equally liberal education and disposition.
Though large, the praise proved not too much. For,
ere long, rumor more than corroborated it, by whispering
that the lady was liberal to a fault. But though various
circumstances, which by most Benedicts would have
been deemed all but conclusive, were duly recited to the
old Frenchman by his friends, yet such was his confidence
that not a syllable would he credit, till, chancing
one night to return unexpectedly from a journey, upon
entering his apartment, a stranger burst from the alcove:
“Begar!” cried he, “now I begin to suspec.”

His story told, the wooden-legged man threw back
his head, and gave vent to a long, gasping, rasping sort
of taunting cry, intolerable as that of a high-pressure
engine jeering off steam; and that done, with apparent
satisfaction hobbled away.

“Who is that scoffer,” said the man in gray, not without
warmth. “Who is he, who even were truth on his
tongue, his way of speaking it would make truth almost
offensive as falsehood. Who is he?”

“He who I mentioned to you as having boasted his
suspicion of the negro,” replied the young clergyman,

-- 048 --

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recovering from disturbance, “in short, the person
to whom I ascribe the origin of my own distrust; he
maintained that Guinea was some white scoundrel, betwisted
and painted up for a decoy. Yes, these were
his very words, I think.”

“Impossible! he could not be so wrong-headed.
Pray, will you call him back, and let me ask him if he
were really in earnest?”

The other complied; and, at length, after no few surly
objections, prevailed upon the one-legged individual to
return for a moment. Upon which, the man in gray
thus addressed him: “This reverend gentleman tells
me, sir, that a certain cripple, a poor negro, is by you
considered an ingenious impostor. Now, I am not unaware
that there are some persons in this world, who,
unable to give better proof of being wise, take a strange
delight in showing what they think they have sagaciously
read in mankind by uncharitable suspicions
of them. I hope you are not one of these. In short,
would you tell me now, whether you were not merely
joking in the notion you threw out about the negro.
Would you be so kind?”

“No, I won't be so kind, I'll be so cruel.”

“As you please about that.”

“Well, he's just what I said he was.”

“A white masquerading as a black?”

“Exactly.”

The man in gray glanced at the young clergyman a
moment, then quietly whispered to him, “I thought you
represented your friend here as a very distrustful sort of

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person, but he appears endued with a singular credulity.—
Tell me, sir, do you really think that a white could
look the negro so? For one, I should call it pretty good
acting.”

“Not much better than any other man acts.”

“How? Does all the world act? Am I, for instance,
an actor? Is my reverend friend here, too, a performer?”

“Yes, don't you both perform acts? To do, is to act;
so all doers are actors.”

“You trifle.—I ask again, if a white, how could he
look the negro so?”

“Never saw the negro-minstrels, I suppose?”

“Yes, but they are apt to overdo the ebony; exemplifying
the old saying, not more just than charitable, that
`the devil is never so black as he is painted.' But his
limbs, if not a cripple, how could he twist his limbs so?”

“How do other hypocritical beggars twist theirs?
Easy enough to see how they are hoisted up.”

“The sham is evident, then?”

“To the discerning eye,” with a horrible screw of his
gimlet one.

“Well, where is Guinea?” said the man in gray;
“where is he? Let us at once find him, and refute beyond
cavil this injurious hypothesis.”

“Do so,” cried the one-eyed man, “I'm just in the
humor now for having him found, and leaving the streaks
of these fingers on his paint, as the lion leaves the
streaks of his nails on a Caffre. They wouldn't let me
touch him before. Yes, find him, I'll make wool fly,
and him after.”

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“You forget,” here said the young clergyman to the
man in gray, “that yourself helped poor Guinea ashore.”

“So I did, so I did; how unfortunate. But look
now,” to the other, “I think that without personal proof
I can convince you of your mistake. For I put it to
you, is it reasonable to suppose that a man with brains,
sufficient to act such a part as you say, would take all
that trouble, and run all that hazard, for the mere sake
of those few paltry coppers, which, I hear, was all he
got for his pains, if pains they were?”

“That puts the case irrefutably,” said the young
clergyman, with a challenging glance towards the one-legged
man.

“You two green-horns! Money, you think, is the sole
motive to pains and hazard, deception and deviltry, in
this world. How much money did the devil make by
gulling Eve?”

Whereupon he hobbled off again with a repetition of
his intolerable jeer.

The man in gray stood silently eying his retreat a
while, and then, turning to his companion, said: “A
bad man, a dangerous man; a man to be put down in
any Christian community.—And this was he who was
the means of begetting your distrust? Ah, we should
shut our ears to distrust, and keep them open only for its
opposite.”

“You advance a principle, which, if I had acted upon
it this morning, I should have spared myself what I now
feel.—That but one man, and he with one leg, should
have such ill power given him; his one sour word

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leavening into congenial sourness (as, to my knowledge,
it did) the dispositions, before sweet enough, of a numerous
company. But, as I hinted, with me at the time
his ill words went for nothing; the same as now; only
afterwards they had effect; and I confess, this puzzles
me.”

“It should not. With humane minds, the spirit of
distrust works something as certain potions do; it is a
spirit which may enter such minds, and yet, for a time,
longer or shorter, lie in them quiescent; but only the
more deplorable its ultimate activity.”

“An uncomfortable solution; for, since that baneful
man did but just now anew drop on me his bane, how
shall I be sure that my present exemption from its effects
will be lasting?”

“You cannot be sure, but you can strive against it.”

“How?”

“By strangling the least symptom of distrust, of any
sort, which hereafter, upon whatever provocation, may
arise in you.”

“I will do so.” Then added as in soliloquy, “Indeed,
indeed, I was to blame in standing passive under such
influences as that one-legged man's. My conscience upbraids
me.—The poor negro: You see him occasionally,
perhaps?”

“No, not often; though in a few days, as it happens,
my engagements will call me to the neighborhood of his
present retreat; and, no doubt, honest Guinea, who is a
grateful soul, will come to see me there.”

“Then you have been his benefactor?”

-- 052 --

[figure description] Page 052.[end figure description]

“His benefactor? I did not say that. I have known
him.”

“Take this mite. Hand it to Guinea when you see
him; say it comes from one who has full belief in his
honesty, and is sincerely sorry for having indulged, however
transiently, in a contrary thought.”

“I accept the trust. And, by-the-way, since you are
of this truly charitable nature, you will not turn away
an appeal in behalf of the Seminole Widow and Orphan
Asylum?”

“I have not heard of that charity.”

“But recently founded.”

After a pause, the clergyman was irresolutely putting
his hand in his pocket, when, caught by something in his
companion's expression, he eyed him inquisitively, almost
uneasily.

“Ah, well,” smiled the other wanly, “if that subtle
bane, we were speaking of but just now, is so soon beginning
to work, in vain my appeal to you. Good-by.”

“Nay,” not untouched, “you do me injustice; instead
of indulging present suspicions, I had rather make
amends for previous ones. Here is something for your
asylum. Not much; but every drop helps. Of course
you have papers?”

“Of course,” producing a memorandum book and
pencil. “Let me take down name and amount. We
publish these names. And now let me give you a little
history of our asylum, and the providential way in
which it was started.”

-- --

CHAPTER VII. A GENTLEMAN WITH GOLD SLEEVE-BUTTONS.

[figure description] Page 053.[end figure description]

At an interesting point of the narration, and at the
moment when, with much curiosity, indeed, urgency, the
narrator was being particularly questioned upon that
point, he was, as it happened, altogether diverted both
from it and his story, by just then catching sight of a
gentleman who had been standing in sight from the beginning,
but, until now, as it seemed, without being
observed by him.

“Pardon me,” said he, rising, “but yonder is one
who I know will contribute, and largely. Don't take
it amiss if I quit you.”

“Go: duty before all things,” was the conscientious
reply.

The stranger was a man of more than winsome aspect.
There he stood apart and in repose, and yet, by his mere
look, lured the man in gray from his story, much as, by
its graciousness of bearing, some full-leaved elm, alone
in a meadow, lures the noon sickleman to throw down
his sheaves, and come and apply for the alms of its
shade.

But, considering that goodness is no such rare thing

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among men—the world familiarly know the noun; a
common one in every language—it was curious that
what so signalized the stranger, and made him look like
a kind of foreigner, among the crowd (as to some it
make him appear more or less unreal in this portraiture),
was but the expression of so prevailent a quality. Such
goodness seemed his, allied with such fortune, that, so
far as his own personal experience could have gone,
scarcely could he have known ill, physical or moral;
and as for knowing or suspecting the latter in any serious
degree (supposing such degree of it to be), by observation
or philosophy; for that, probably, his nature, by
its opposition, imperfectly qualified, or from it wholly
exempted. For the rest, he might have been five and
fifty, perhaps sixty, but tall, rosy, between plump and
portly, with a primy, palmy air, and for the time and
place, not to hint of his years, dressed with a strangely
festive finish and elegance. The inner-side of his coat-skirts
was of white satin, which might have looked
especially inappropriate, had it not seemed less a bit
of mere tailoring than something of an emblem, as it
were; an involuntary emblem, let us say, that what
seemed so good about him was not all outside; no, the
fine covering had a still finer lining. Upon one hand he
wore a white kid glove, but the other hand, which was
ungloved, looked hardly less white. Now, as the Fidèle,
like most steamboats, was upon deck a little soot-streaked
here and there, especially about the railings, it was a
marvel how, under such circumstances, these hands retained
their spotlessness. But, if you watched them

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[figure description] Page 055.[end figure description]

a while, you noticed that they avoided touching anything;
you noticed, in short, that a certain negro body-servant,
whose hands nature had dyed black, perhaps with the
same purpose that millers wear white, this negro servant's
hands did most of his master's handling for him;
having to do with dirt on his account, but not to his
prejudices. But if, with the same undefiledness of consequences
to himself, a gentleman could also sin by
deputy, how shocking would that be! But it is not
permitted to be; and even if it were, no judicious moralist
would make proclamation of it.

This gentleman, therefore, there is reason to affirm,
was one who, like the Hebrew governor, knew how to
keep his hands clean, and who never in his life happened
to be run suddenly against by hurrying house-painter,
or sweep; in a word, one whose very good luck it was
to be a very good man.

Not that he looked as if he were a kind of Wilberforce
at all; that superior merit, probably, was not his; nothing
in his manner bespoke him righteous, but only
good, and though to be good is much below being righteous,
and though there is a difference between the two,
yet not, it is to be hoped, so incompatible as that a
righteous man can not be a good man; though, conversely,
in the pulpit it has been with much cogency urged,
that a merely good man, that is, one good merely by his
nature, is so far from there by being righteous, that
nothing short of a total change and conversion can make
him so; which is something which no honest mind,
well read in the history of righteousness, will care to

-- 056 --

[figure description] Page 056.[end figure description]

deny; nevertheless, since St. Paul himself, agreeing in a
sense with the pulpit distinction, though not altogether
in the pulpit deduction, and also pretty plainly intimating
which of the two qualities in question enjoys his
apostolic preference; I say, since St. Paul has so meaningly
said, that, “scarcely for a righteous man will
one die, yet peradventure for a good man some would
even dare to die;” therefore, when we repeat of this
gentleman, that he was only a good man, whatever
else by severe censors may be objected to him, it is
still to be hoped that his goodness will not at least
be considered criminal in him. At all events, no man,
not even a righteous man, would think it quite right to
commit this gentleman to prison for the crime, extraordinary
as he might deem it; more especially, as, until
everything could be known, there would be some chance
that the gentleman might after all be quite as innocent
of it as he himself.

It was pleasant to mark the good man's reception of
the salute of the righteous man, that is, the man in
gray; his inferior, apparently, not more in the social
scale than in stature. Like the benign elm again, the
good man seemed to wave the canopy of his goodness
over that suitor, not in conceited condescension, but
with that even amenity of true majesty, which can be
kind to any one without stooping to it.

To the plea in behalf of the Seminole widows and
orphans, the gentleman, after a question or two duly
answered, responded by producing an ample pocket-book
in the good old capacious style, of fine green

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[figure description] Page 057.[end figure description]

French morocco and workmanship, bound with silk of
the same color, not to omit bills crisp with newness,
fresh from the bank, no muckworms' grime upon them.
Lucre those bills might be, but as yet having been kept
unspotted from the world, not of the filthy sort. Placing
now three of those virgin bills in the applicant's
hands, he hoped that the smallness of the contribution
would be pardoned; to tell the truth, and this at last
accounted for his toilet, he was bound but a short run
down the river, to attend, in a festive grove, the afternoon
wedding of his niece: so did not carry much money
with him.

The other was about expressing his thanks when the
gentleman in his pleasant way checked him: the gratitude
was on the other side. To him, he said, charity
was in one sense not an effort, but a luxury; against too
great indulgence in which his steward, a humorist, had
sometimes admonished him.

In some general talk which followed, relative to organized
modes of doing good, the gentleman expressed
his regrets that so many benevolent societies as there
were, here and there isolated in the land, should not act
in concert by coming together, in the way that already
in each society the individuals composing it had done,
which would result, he thought, in like advantages upon
a larger scale. Indeed, such a confederation might, perhaps,
be attended with as happy results as politically
attended that of the states.

Upon his hitherto moderate enough companion, this
suggestion had an effect illustrative in a sort of that

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[figure description] Page 058.[end figure description]

notion of Socrates, that the soul is a harmony; for as the
sound of a flute, in any particular key, will, it is said, audibly
affect the corresponding chord of any harp in good
tune, within hearing, just so now did some string in him
respond, and with animation.

Which animation, by the way, might seem more or
less out of character in the man in gray, considering his
unsprightly manner when first introduced, had he not
already, in certain after colloquies, given proof, in some
degree, of the fact, that, with certain natures, a soberly
continent air at times, so far from arguing emptiness of
stuff, is good proof it is there, and plenty of it, because
unwasted, and may be used the more effectively, too,
when opportunity offers. What now follows on the
part of the man in gray will still further exemplify, perhaps
somewhat strikingly, the truth, or what appears
to be such, of this remark.

“Sir,” said he eagerly, “I am before you. A project,
not dissimilar to yours, was by me thrown out at the
World's Fair in London.”

“World's Fair? You there? Pray how was that?”

“First, let me—”

“Nay, but first tell me what took you to the Fair?”

“I went to exhibit an invalid's easy-chair I had invented.”

“Then you have not always been in the charity business?”

“Is it not charity to ease human suffering? I am,
and always have been, as I always will be, I trust, in
the charity business, as you call it; but charity is not

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like a pin, one to make the head, and the other the
point; charity is a work to which a good workman may
be competent in all its branches. I invented my Protean
easy-chair in odd intervals stolen from meals and
sleep.”

“You call it the Protean easy-chair; pray describe
it.”

“My Protean easy-chair is a chair so all over bejointed,
behinged, and bepadded, everyway so elastic,
springy, and docile to the airiest touch, that in some one
of its endlessly-changeable accommodations of back,
seat, footboard, and arms, the most restless body, the
body most racked, nay, I had almost added the most
tormented conscience must, somehow and somewhere,
find rest. Believing that I owed it to suffering humanity
to make known such a chair to the utmost, I scraped
together my little means and off to the World's Fair
with it.”

“You did right. But your scheme; how did you
come to hit upon that?”

“I was going to tell you. After seeing my invention
duly catalogued and placed, I gave myself up to pondering
the scene about me. As I dwelt upon that shining
pageant of arts, and moving concourse of nations, and reflected
that here was the pride of the world glorying in
a glass house, a sense of the fragility of worldly grandeur
profoundly impressed me. And I said to myself,
I will see if this occasion of vanity cannot supply a hint
toward a better profit than was designed. Let some
world-wide good to the world-wide cause be now done.

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In short, inspired by the scene, on the fourth day I issued
at the World's Fair my prospectus of the World's
Charity.”

“Quite a thought. But, pray explain it.”

“The World's Charity is to be a society whose members
shall comprise deputies from every charity and mission
extant; the one object of the society to be the methodization
of the world's benevolence; to which end,
the present system of voluntary and promiscuous contribution
to be done away, and the Society to be
empowered by the various governments to levy, annually,
one grand benevolence tax upon all mankind; as
in Augustus Cæsar's time, the whole world to come up
to be taxed; a tax which, for the scheme of it, should
be something like the income-tax in England, a tax, also,
as before hinted, to be a consolidation-tax of all possible
benevolence taxes; as in America here, the state-tax,
and the county-tax, and the town-tax, and the
poll-tax, are by the assessors rolled into one. This tax,
according to my tables, calculated with care, would result
in the yearly raising of a fund little short of eight
hundred millions; this fund to be annually applied to
such objects, and in such modes, as the various charities
and missions, in general congress represented, might
decree; whereby, in fourteen years, as I estimate, there
would have been devoted to good works the sum of
eleven thousand two hundred millions; which would
warrant the dissolution of the society, as that fund judiciously
expended, not a pauper or heathen could remain
the round world over.”

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“Eleven thousand two hundred millions! And all
by passing round a hat, as it were.”

“Yes, I am no Fourier, the projector of an impossible
scheme, but a philanthropist and a financier setting forth
a philanthropy and a finance which are practicable.”

“Practicable?”

“Yes. Eleven thousand two hundred millions; it
will frighten none but a retail philanthropist. What is
it but eight hundred millions for each of fourteen years?
Now eight hundred millions—what is that, to average
it, but one little dollar a head for the population of the
planet? And who will refuse, what Turk or Dyak
even, his own little dollar for sweet charity's sake?
Eight hundred millions! More than that sum is yearly
expended by mankind, not only in vanities, but miseries.
Consider that bloody spendthrift, War. And are
mankind so stupid, so wicked, that, upon the demonstration
of these things they will not, amending their ways,
devote their superfluities to blessing the world instead
of cursing it? Eight hundred millions! They have
not to make it, it is theirs already; they have but to
direct it from ill to good. And to this, scarce a self-denial
is demanded. Actually, they would not in the
mass be one farthing the poorer for it; as certainly would
they be all the better and happier. Don't you see?
But admit, as you must, that mankind is not mad, and
my project is practicable. For, what creature but a
madman would not rather do good than ill, when it is
plain that, good or ill, it must return upon himself?”

“Your sort of reasoning,” said the good gentleman,

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adjusting his gold sleeve-buttons, “seems all reasonable
enough, but with mankind it wont do.”

“Then mankind are not reasoning beings, if reason
wont do with them.”

“That is not to the purpose. By-the-way, from the
manner in which you alluded to the world's census, it
would appear that, according to your world-wide scheme,
the pauper not less than the nabob is to contribute to
the relief of pauperism, and the heathen not less than
the Christian to the conversion of heathenism. How is
that?”

“Why, that—pardon me—is quibbling. Now, no
philanthropist likes to be opposed with quibbling.”

“Well, I won't quibble any more. But, after all, if
I understand your project, there is little specially new
in it, further than the magnifying of means now in
operation.”

“Magnifying and energizing. For one thing, missions
I would thoroughly reform. Missions I would
quicken with the Wall street spirit.”

“The Wall street spirit?”

“Yes; for if, confessedly, certain spiritual ends are to
be gained but through the auxiliary agency of worldly
means, then, to the surer gaining of such spiritual ends,
the example of worldly policy in worldly projects should
not by spiritual projectors be slighted. In brief, the
conversion of the heathen, so far, at least, as depending
on human effort, would, by the world's charity, be let
out on contract. So much by bid for converting India,
so much for Borneo, so much for Africa. Competition

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allowed, stimulus would be given. There would be no
lethargy of monopoly. We should have no mission-house
or tract-house of which slanderers could, with any
plausibility, say that it had degenerated in its clerkships
into a sort of custom-house. But the main point is the
Archimedean money-power that would be brought to
bear.”

“You mean the eight hundred million power?”

“Yes. You see, this doing good to the world by
driblets amounts to just nothing. I am for doing good
to the world with a will. I am for doing good to the
world once for all and having done with it. Do but
think, my dear sir, of the eddies and maëlstroms of
pagans in China. People here have no conception of
it. Of a frosty morning in Hong Kong, pauper pagans
are found dead in the streets like so many nipped peas
in a bin of peas. To be an immortal being in China is
no more distinction than to be a snow-flake in a snow-squall.
What are a score or two of missionaries to
such a people? A pinch of snuff to the kraken. I am
for sending ten thousand missionaries in a body and
converting the Chinese en masse within six months of
the debarkation. The thing is then done, and turn to
something else.”

“I fear you are too enthusiastic.”

“A philanthropist is necessarily an enthusiast; for
without enthusiasm what was ever achieved but commonplace?
But again: consider the poor in London.
To that mob of misery, what is a joint here and a loaf
there? I am for voting to them twenty thousand

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bullocks and one hundred thousand barrels of flour to begin
with. They are then comforted, and no more hunger
for one while among the poor of London. And so all
round.”

“Sharing the character of your general project, these
things, I take it, are rather examples of wonders that
were to be wished, than wonders that will happen.”

“And is the age of wonders passed? Is the world
too old? Is it barren? Think of Sarah.”

“Then I am Abraham reviling the angel (with a
smile). But still, as to your design at large, there
seems a certain audacity.”

“But if to the audacity of the design there be brought
a commensurate circumspectness of execution, how
then?”

“Why, do you really believe that your world's
charity will ever go into operation?”

“I have confidence that it will.”

“But may you not be over-confident?”

“For a Christian to talk so!”

“But think of the obstacles!”

“Obstacles? I have confidence to remove obstacles,
though mountains. Yes, confidence in the world's
charity to that degree, that, as no better person offers to
supply the place, I have nominated myself provisional
treasurer, and will be happy to receive subscriptions, for
the present to be devoted to striking off a million more
of my prospectuses.”

The talk went on; the man in gray revealed a spirit
of benevolence which, mindful of the millennial promise,

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had gone abroad over all the countries of the globe,
much as the diligent spirit of the husbandman, stirred
by forethought of the coming seed-time, leads him, in
March reveries at his fireside, over every field of his
farm. The master chord of the man in gray had been
touched, and it seemed as if it would never cease
vibrating. A not unsilvery tongue, too, was his, with
gestures that were a Pentecost of added ones, and persuasiveness
before which granite hearts might crumble
into gravel.

Strange, therefore, how his auditor, so singularly
good-hearted as he seemed, remained proof to such eloquence;
though not, as it turned out, to such pleadings.
For, after listening a while longer with pleasant
incredulity, presently, as the boat touched his place of
destination, the gentleman, with a look half humor, half
pity, put another bank-note into his hands; charitable
to the last, if only to the dreams of enthusiasm.

-- --

CHAPTER VIII. A CHARITABLE LADY.

[figure description] Page 066.[end figure description]

If a drunkard in a sober fit is the dullest of mortals,
an enthusiast in a reason-fit is not the most lively.
And this, without prejudice to his greatly improved
understanding; for, if his elation was the height of his
madness, his despondency is but the extreme of his sanity.
Something thus now, to all appearance, with the
man in gray. Society his stimulus, loneliness was his
lethargy. Loneliness, like the sea-breeze, blowing off
from a thousand leagues of blankness, he did not find,
as veteran solitaires do, if anything, too bracing. In
short, left to himself, with none to charm forth his
latent lymphatic, he insensibly resumes his original air,
a quiescent one, blended of sad humility and demureness.

Ere long he goes laggingly into the ladies' saloon, as
in spiritless quest of somebody; but, after some disappointed
glances about him, seats himself upon a sofa
with an air of melancholy exhaustion and depression.

At the sofa's further end sits a plump and pleasant
person, whose aspect seems to hint that, if she have any
weak point, it must be anything rather than her

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excellent heart. From her twilight dress, neither dawn nor
dark, apparently she is a widow just breaking the chrysalis
of her mourning. A small gilt testament is in her
hand, which she has just been reading. Half-relinquished,
she holds the book in reverie, her finger inserted at
the xiii. of 1st Corinthians, to which chapter possibly
her attention might have recently been turned, by witnessing
the scene of the monitory mute and his slate.

The sacred page no longer meets her eye; but, as at
evening, when for a time the western hills shine on
though the sun be set, her thoughtful face retains its
tenderness though the teacher is forgotten.

Meantime, the expression of the stranger is such as
ere long to attract her glance. But no responsive one.
Presently, in her somewhat inquisitive survey, her
volume drops. It is restored. No encroaching politeness
in the act, but kindness, unadorned. The eyes of
the lady sparkle. Evidently, she is not now unprepossessed.
Soon, bending over, in a low, sad tone, full of
deference, the stranger breathes, “Madam, pardon my
freedom, but there is something in that face which
strangely draws me. May I ask, are you a sister of the
Church?”

“Why—really—you—”

In concern for her embarrassment, he hastens to relieve
it, but, without seeming so to do. “It is very
solitary for a brother here,” eyeing the showy ladies
brocaded in the background, “I find none to mingle
souls with. It may be wrong—I know it is—but I cannot
force myself to be easy with the people of the world.

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I prefer the company, however silent, of a brother or
sister in good standing. By the way, madam, may I ask
if you have confidence?”

“Really, sir—why, sir—really—I—”

“Could you put confidence in me for instance?”

“Really, sir—as much—I mean, as one may wisely
put in a—a—stranger, an entire stranger, I had almost
said,” rejoined the lady, hardly yet at ease in her affability,
drawing aside a little in body, while at the same
time her heart might have been drawn as far the other
way. A natural struggle between charity and prudence.

“Entire stranger!” with a sigh. “Ah, who would
be a stranger? In vain, I wander; no one will have
confidence in me.”

“You interest me,” said the good lady, in mild surprise.
“Can I any way befriend you?”

“No one can befriend me, who has not confidence.”

“But I—I have—at least to that degree—I mean
that—”

“Nay, nay, you have none—none at all. Pardon, I
see it. No confidence. Fool, fond fool that I am to
seek it!”

“You are unjust, sir,” rejoins the good lady with
heightened interest; “but it may be that something
untoward in your experiences has unduly biased you.
Not that I would cast reflections. Believe me, I—yes,
yes—I may say—that—that—”

“That you have confidence? Prove it. Let me have
twenty dollars.”

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“Twenty dollars!”

“There, I told you, madam, you had no confidence.”

The lady was, in an extraordinary way, touched. She
sat in a sort of restless torment, knowing not which way
to turn. She began twenty different sentences, and left
off at the first syllable of each. At last, in desperation,
she hurried out, “Tell me, sir, for what you want the
twenty dollars?”

“And did I not—” then glancing at her half-mourning,
“for the widow and the fatherless. I am traveling
agent of the Widow and Orphan Asylum, recently
founded among the Seminoles.”

“And why did you not tell me your object before?”
As not a little relieved. “Poor souls—Indians, too—
those cruelly-used Indians. Here, here; how could I
hesitate. I am so sorry it is no more.”

“Grieve not for that, madam,” rising and folding up
the bank-notes. “This is an inconsiderable sum, I admit,
but,” taking out his pencil and book, “though I
here but register the amount, there is another register,
where is set down the motive. Good-bye; you have
confidence. Yea, you can say to me as the apostle said
to the Corinthians, `I rejoice that I have confidence in
you in all things.'”

-- --

CHAPTER IX. TWO BUSINESS MEN TRANSACT A LITTLE BUSINESS.

[figure description] Page 070.[end figure description]

—“Pray, sir, have you seen a gentleman with a weed
hereabouts, rather a saddish gentleman? Strange where
he can have gone to. I was talking with him not
twenty minutes since.”

By a brisk, ruddy-cheeked man in a tasseled traveling-cap,
carrying under his arm a ledger-like volume,
the above words were addressed to the collegian before
introduced, suddenly accosted by the rail to which not
long after his retreat, as in a previous chapter recounted,
he had returned, and there remained.

“Have you seen him, sir?”

Rallied from his apparent diffidence by the genial
jauntiness of the stranger, the youth answered with unwonted
promptitude: “Yes, a person with a weed was
here not very long ago.”

“Saddish?”

“Yes, and a little cracked, too, I should say.”

“It was he. Misfortune, I fear, has disturbed his
brain. Now quick, which way did he go?”

“Why just in the direction from which you came,
the gangway yonder.”

“Did he? Then the man in the gray coat, whom I

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just met, said right: he must have gone ashore. How
unlucky!”

He stood vexedly twitching at his cap-tassel, which
fell over by his whisker, and continued: “Well, I am very
sorry. In fact, I had something for him here.”—Then
drawing nearer, “you see, he applied to me for relief,
no, I do him injustice, not that, but he began to intimate,
you understand. Well, being very busy just then, I
declined; quite rudely, too, in a cold, morose, unfeeling
way, I fear. At all events, not three minutes afterwards
I felt self-reproach, with a kind of prompting, very peremptory,
to deliver over into that unfortunate man's
hands a ten-dollar bill. You smile. Yes, it may be
superstition, but I can't help it; I have my weak side,
thank God. Then again,” he rapidly went on, “we
have been so very prosperous lately in our affairs—by
we, I mean the Black Rapids Coal Company—that, really,
out of my abundance, associative and individual, it is
but fair that a charitable investment or two should be
made, don't you think so?”

“Sir,” said the collegian without the least embarrassment,
“do I understand that you are officially connected
with the Black Rapids Coal Company?”

“Yes, I happen to be president and transfer-agent.”

“You are?”

“Yes, but what is it to you? You don't want to
invest?”

“Why, do you sell the stock?”

“Some might be bought, perhaps; but why do you
ask? you don't want to invest?”

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“But supposing I did,” with cool self-collectedness,
“could you do up the thing for me, and here?”

“Bless my soul,” gazing at him in amaze, “really,
you are quite a business man. Positively, I feel afraid
of you.”

“Oh, no need of that.—You could sell me some of
that stock, then?”

“I don't know, I don't know. To be sure, there are
a few shares under peculiar circumstances bought in by
the Company; but it would hardly be the thing to
convert this boat into the Company's office. I think
you had better defer investing. So,” with an indifferent
air, “you have seen the unfortunate man I spoke of?”

“Let the unfortunate man go his ways.—What is
that large book you have with you?”

“My transfer-book. I am subpœnaed with it to court.”

“Black Rapids Coal Company,” obliquely reading
the gilt inscription on the back; “I have heard much of
it. Pray do you happen to have with you any statement
of the condition of your company.”

“A statement has lately been printed.”

“Pardon me, but I am naturally inquisitive. Have
you a copy with you?”

“I tell you again, I do not think that it would be
suitable to convert this boat into the Company's office.—
That unfortunate man, did you relieve him at all?”

“Let the unfortunate man relieve himself.—Hand
me the statement.”

“Well, you are such a business-man, I can hardly
deny you. Here,” handing a small, printed pamphlet.

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The youth turned it over sagely.

“I hate a suspicious man,” said the other, observing
him; “but I must say I like to see a cautious one.”

“I can gratify you there,” languidly returning the
pamphlet; “for, as I said before, I am naturally inquisitive;
I am also circumspect. No appearances can deceive
me. Your statement,” he added “tells a very fine
story; but pray, was not your stock a little heavy
a while ago? downward tendency? Sort of low spirits
among holders on the subject of that stock?”

“Yes, there was a depression. But how came it?
who devised it? The `bears,' sir. The depression of
our stock was solely owing to the growling, the hypocritical
growling, of the bears.”

“How, hypocritical?”

“Why, the most monstrous of all hypocrites are these
bears: hypocrites by inversion; hypocrites in the simulation
of things dark instead of bright; souls that thrive,
less upon depression, than the fiction of depression;
professors of the wicked art of manufacturing depressions;
spurious Jeremiahs; sham Heraclituses, who, the
lugubrious day done, return, like sham Lazaruses among
the beggars, to make merry over the gains got by their
pretended sore heads—scoundrelly bears!”

“You are warm against these bears?”

“If I am, it is less from the remembrance of their
stratagems as to our stock, than from the persuasion
that these same destroyers of confidence, and gloomy
philosophers of the stock-market, though false in themselves,
are yet true types of most destroyers of

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confidence and gloomy philosophers, the world over. Fellows
who, whether in stocks, politics, bread-stuffs,
morals, metaphysics, religion—be it what it may—
trump up their black panics in the naturally-quiet
brightness, solely with a view to some sort of covert
advantage. That corpse of calamity which the gloomy
philosopher parades, is but his Good-Enough-Morgan.”

“I rather like that,” knowingly drawled the youth.
“I fancy these gloomy souls as little as the next one.
Sitting on my sofa after a champagne dinner, smoking
my plantation cigar, if a gloomy fellow come to me—
what a bore!”

“You tell him it's all stuff, don't you?”

“I tell him it ain't natural. I say to him, you are
happy enough, and you know it; and everybody else is
as happy as you, and you know that, too; and we shall
all be happy after we are no more, and you know that,
too; but no, still you must have your sulk.”

“And do you know whence this sort of fellow gets
his sulk? not from life; for he's often too much of a
recluse, or else too young to have seen anything of it.
No, he gets it from some of those old plays he sees on
the stage, or some of those old books he finds up in
garrets. Ten to one, he has lugged home from auction
a musty old Seneca, and sets about stuffing himself with
that stale old hay; and, thereupon, thinks it looks wise
and antique to be a croaker, thinks it's taking a standway
above his kind.”

“Just so,” assented the youth. “I've lived some, and

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[figure description] Page 075.[end figure description]

seen a good many such ravens at second hand. By the
way, strange how that man with the weed, you were inquiring
for, seemed to take me for some soft sentimentalist,
only because I kept quiet, and thought, because
I had a copy of Tacitus with me, that I was reading him
for his gloom, instead of his gossip. But I let him talk.
And, indeed, by my manner humored him.”

“You shouldn't have done that, now. Unfortunate
man, you must have made quite a fool of him.”

“His own fault if I did. But I like prosperous
fellows, comfortable fellows; fellows that talk comfortably
and prosperously, like you. Such fellows are
generally honest. And, I say now, I happen to have a
superfluity in my pocket, and I'll just—”

“— Act the part of a brother to that unfortunate
man?”

“Let the unfortunate man be his own brother.
What are you dragging him in for all the time? One
would think you didn't care to register any transfers,
or dispose of any stock—mind running on something
else. I say I will invest.”

“Stay, stay, here come some uproarious fellows—this
way, this way.”

And with off-handed politeness the man with the
book escorted his companion into a private little haven
removed from the brawling swells without.

Business transacted, the two came forth, and walked
the deck.

“Now tell me, sir,” said he with the book, “how
comes it that a young gentleman like you, a sedate

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student at the first appearance, should dabble in stocks and
that sort of thing?”

“There are certain sophomorean errors in the world,”
drawled the sophomore, deliberately adjusting his shirt-collar,
“not the least of which is the popular notion
touching the nature of the modern scholar, and the nature
of the modern scholastic sedateness.”

“So it seems, so it seems. Really, this is quite a
new leaf in my experience.”

“Experience, sir,” originally observed the sophomore,
“is the only teacher.”

“Hence am I your pupil; for it's only when experience
speaks, that I can endure to listen to speculation.”

“My speculations, sir,” dryly drawing himself up,
“have been chiefly governed by the maxim of Lord
Bacon; I speculate in those philosophies which come
home to my business and bosom—pray, do you know of
any other good stocks?”

“You wouldn't like to be concerned in the New Jerusalem,
would you?”

“New Jerusalem?”

“Yes, the new and thriving city, so called, in northern
Minnesota. It was originally founded by certain fugitive
Mormons. Hence the name. It stands on the
Mississippi. Here, here is the map,” producing a roll.
“There—there, you see are the public buildings—here
the landing—there the park—yonder the botanic gardens—
and this, this little dot here, is a perpetual fountain,
you understand. You observe there are twenty

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asterisks. Those are for the lyceums. They have lignum-vit
æ rostrums.”

“And are all these buildings now standing?”

“All standing—bona fide.”

“These marginal squares here, are they the water-lots?”

“Water-lots in the city of New Jerusalem? All terra
firma—you don't seem to care about investing, though?”

“Hardly think I should read my title clear, as the
law students say,” yawned the collegian.

“Prudent—you are prudent. Don't know that you are
wholly out, either. At any rate, I would rather have
one of your shares of coal stock than two of this other.
Still, considering that the first settlement was by two
fugitives, who had swum over naked from the opposite
shore—it's a surprising place. It is, bona fide.—But
dear me, I must go. Oh, if by possibility you should
come across that unfortunate man—”

“— In that case,” with drawling impatience, “I
will send for the steward, and have him and his misfortunes
consigned overboard.”

“Ha ha!—now were some gloomy philosopher here,
some theological bear, forever taking occasion to growl
down the stock of human nature (with ulterior views,
d'ye see, to a fat benefice in the the gift of the worshipers
of Ariamius), he would pronounce that the sign of a
hardening heart and a softening brain. Yes, that would
be his sinister construction. But it's nothing more than
the oddity of a genial humor—genial but dry. Confess
it. Good-bye.”

-- --

CHAPTER X. IN THE CABIN.

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Stools, settees, sofas, divans, ottomans; occupying
them are clusters of men, old and young, wise and simple;
in their hands are cards spotted with diamonds,
spades, clubs, hearts; the favorite games are whist,
cribbage, and brag. Lounging in arm-chairs or sauntering
among the marble-topped tables, amused with
the scene, are the comparatively few, who, instead of
having hands in the games, for the most part keep their
hands in their pockets. These may be the philosophes.
But here and there, with a curious expression,
one is reading a small sort of handbill of anonymous
poetry, rather wordily entitled:—

“ODE
ON THE INTIMATIONS
OF
DISTRUST IN MAN,
UNWILLINGLY INFERRED FROM REPEATED REPULSES,
IN DISINTERESTED ENDEAVORS
TO PROCURE HIS
CONFIDENCE.”

On the floor are many copies, looking as if fluttered
down from a balloon. The way they came there was
this: A somewhat elderly person, in the quaker dress,

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had quietly passed through the cabin, and, much in the
manner of those railway book-peddlers who precede
their proffers of sale by a distribution of puffs, direct or
indirect, of the volumes to follow, had, without speaking,
handed about the odes, which, for the most part,
after a cursory glance, had been disrespectfully tossed
aside, as no doubt, the moonstruck production of some
wandering rhapsodist.

In due time, book under arm, in trips the ruddy man
with the traveling-cap, who, lightly moving to and fro,
looks animatedly about him, with a yearning sort of
gratulatory affinity and longing, expressive of the very
soul of sociality; as much as to say, “Oh, boys, would
that I were personally acquainted with each mother's
son of you, since what a sweet world, to make sweet
acquaintance in, is ours, my brothers; yea, and what
dear, happy dogs are we all!”

And just as if he had really warbled it forth, he makes
fraternally up to one lounging stranger or another, exchanging
with him some pleasant remark.

“Pray, what have you there?” he asked of one newly
accosted, a little, dried-up man, who looked as if he
never dined.

“A little ode, rather queer, too,” was the reply, “of
the same sort you see strewn on the floor here.”

“I did not observe them. Let me see;” picking
one up and looking it over. “Well now, this is pretty;
plaintive, especially the opening:—


`Alas for man, he hath small sense
Of genial trust and confidence.'

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—If it be so, alas for him, indeed. Runs off very
smoothly, sir. Beautiful pathos. But do you think the
sentiment just?”

“As to that,” said the little dried-up man, “I think
it a kind of queer thing altogether, and yet I am almost
ashamed to add, it really has set me to thinking;
yes and to feeling. Just now, somehow, I feel as it
were trustful and genial. I don't know that ever I felt
so much so before. I am naturally numb in my sensibilities;
but this ode, in its way, works on my numbness
not unlike a sermon, which, by lamenting over my
lying dead in trespasses and sins, thereby stirs me up to
be all alive in well-doing.”

“Glad to hear it, and hope you will do well, as
the doctors say. But who snowed the odes about
here?”

“I cannot say; I have not been here long.”

“Wasn't an angel, was it? Come, you say you feel
genial, let us do as the rest, and have cards.”

“Thank you, I never play cards.”

“A bottle of wine?”

“Thank you, I never drink wine.”

“Cigars?”

“Thank you, I never smoke cigars.”

“Tell stories?”

“To speak truly, I hardly think I know one worth
telling.”

“Seems to me, then, this geniality you say you feel
waked in you, is as water-power in a land without
mills. Come, you had better take a genial hand at the

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cards. To begin, we will play for as small a sum as
you please; just enough to make it interesting.”

“Indeed, you must excuse me. Somehow I distrust
cards.”

“What, distrust cards? Genial cards? Then for
once I join with our sad Philomel here:—


`Alas for man, he hath small sense
Of genial trust and confidence.'
Good-bye!”

Sauntering and chatting here and there, again, he
with the book at length seems fatigued, looks round
for a seat, and spying a partly-vacant settee drawn up
against the side, drops down there; soon, like his
chance neighbor, who happens to be the good merchant,
becoming not a little interested in the scene more immediately
before him; a party at whist; two creamfaced,
giddy, unpolished youths, the one in a red cravat,
the other in a green, opposed to two bland, grave,
handsome, self-possessed men of middle age, decorously
dressed in a sort of professional black, and apparently
doctors of some eminence in the civil law.

By-and-by, after a preliminary scanning of the new
comer next him the good merchant, sideways leaning
over, whispers behind a crumpled copy of the Ode
which he holds: “Sir, I don't like the looks of those
two, do you?”

“Hardly,” was the whispered reply; “those colored
cravats are not in the best taste, at least not to mine;
but my taste is no rule for all.”

“You mistake; I mean the other two, and I don't

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refer to dress, but countenance. I confess I am not
familiar with such gentry any further than reading about
them in the papers—but those two are—are sharpers,
aint they?”

“Far be from us the captious and fault-finding spirit,
my dear sir.”

“Indeed, sir, I would not find fault; I am little given
that way; but certainly, to say the least, these two
youths can hardly be adepts, while the opposed couple
may be even more.”

“You would not hint that the colored cravats would
be so bungling as to lose, and the dark cravats so dextrous
as to cheat?—Sour imaginations, my dear sir.
Dismiss them. To little purpose have you read the
Ode you have there. Years and experience, I trust,
have not sophisticated you. A fresh and liberal construction
would teach us to regard those four players—
indeed, this whole cabin-full of players—as playing at
games in which every player plays fair, and not a player
but shall win.”

“Now, you hardly mean that; because games in
which all may win, such games remain as yet in this
world uninvented, I think.”

“Come, come,” luxuriously laying himself back, and
casting a free glance upon the players, “fares all paid;
digestion sound; care, toil, penury, grief, unknown;
lounging on this sofa, with waistband relaxed, why not
be cheerfully resigned to one's fate, nor peevishly pick
holes in the blessed fate of the world?”

Upon this, the good merchant, after staring long and

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hard, and then rubbing his forehead, fell into meditation,
at first uneasy, but at last composed, and in the
end, once more addressed his companion: “Well, I see
it's good to out with one's private thoughts now and
then. Somehow, I don't know why, a certain misty
suspiciousness seems inseparable from most of one's private
notions about some men and some things; but
once out with these misty notions, and their mere contact
with other men's soon dissipates, or, at least, modifies
them.”

“You think I have done you good, then? may be,
I have. But don't thank me, don't thank me. If by
words, casually delivered in the social hour, I do any
good to right or left, it is but involuntary influence—
locust-tree sweetening the herbage under it; no merit
at all; mere wholesome accident, of a wholesome nature.—
Don't you see?”

Another stare from the good merchant, and both were
silent again.

Finding his book, hitherto resting on his lap, rather
irksome there, the owner now places it edgewise on the
settee, between himself and neighbor; in so doing,
chancing to expose the lettering on the back—“Black
Rapias Coal Company
” — which the good merchant,
scrupulously honorable, had much ado to avoid reading,
so directly would it have fallen under his eye, had
he not conscientiously averted it. On a sudden, as if
just reminded of something, the stranger starts up, and
moves away, in his haste leaving his book; which
the merchant observing, without delay takes it up, and,

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hurrying after, civilly returns it; in which act he could
not avoid catching sight by an involuntary glance of
part of the lettering.

“Thank you, thank you, my good sir,” said the other,
receiving the volume, and was resuming his retreat,
when the merchant spoke: “Excuse me, but are you
not in some way connected with the—the Coal Company
I have heard of?”

“There is more than one Coal Company that may be
heard of, my good sir,” smiled the other, pausing with
an expression of painful impatience, disinterestedly
mastered.

“But you are connected with one in particular.—
The `Black Rapids,' are you not?”

“How did you find that out?”

“Well, sir, I have heard rather tempting information
of your Company.”

“Who is your informant, pray,” somewhat coldly.

“A—a person by the name of Ringman.”

“Don't know him. But, doubtless, there are plenty
who know our Company, whom our Company does not
know; in the same way that one may know an individual,
yet be unknown to him.—Known this Ringman
long? Old friend, I suppose.—But pardon, I must
leave you.”

“Stay, sir, that—that stock.”

“Stock?”

“Yes, it's a little irregular, perhaps, but—”

“Dear me, you don't think of doing any business
with me, do you? In my official capacity I have not

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[figure description] Page 085.[end figure description]

been authenticated to you. This transfer-book, now,”
holding it up so as to bring the lettering in sight, “how
do you know that it may not be a bogus one? And I,
being personally a stranger to you, how can you have
confidence in me?”

“Because,” knowingly smiled thee good merchant,
“if you were other than I have confidence that you are,
hardly would you challenge distrust that way.”

“But you have not examined my book.”

“What need to, if already I believe that it is what it
is lettered to be?”

“But you had better. It might suggest doubts.”

“Doubts, may be, it might suggest, but not knowledge;
for how, by examining the book, should I think I
knew any more than I now think I do; since, if it
be the true book, I think it so already; and since if it
be otherwise, then I have never seen the true one, and
don't know what that ought to look like.”

“Your logic I will not criticize, but your confidence I
admire, and earnestly, too, jocose as was the method
I took to draw it out. Enough, we will go to yonder
table, and if there be any business which, either in my
private or official capacity, I can help you do, pray
command me.”

-- --

CHAPTER XI. ONLY A PAGE OR SO.

[figure description] Page 086.[end figure description]

The transaction concluded, the two still remained
seated, falling into familiar conversation, by degrees
verging into that confidential sort of sympathetic
silence, the last refinement and luxury of unaffected
good feeling. A kind of social superstition, to suppose
that to be truly friendly one must be saying friendly
words all the time, any more than be doing friendly
deeds continually. True friendliness, like true religion,
being in a sort independent of works.

At length, the good merchant, whose eyes were pensively
resting upon the gay tables in the distance, broke
the spell by saying that, from the spectacle before them,
one would little divine what other quarters of the boat
might reveal. He cited the case, accidentally encountered
but an hour or two previous, of a shrunken old
miser, clad in shrunken old moleskin, stretched out, an
invalid, on a bare plank in the emigrants' quarters,
eagerly clinging to life and lucre, though the one was
gasping for outlet, and about the other he was in torment
lest death, or some other unprincipled cut-purse,
should be the means of his losing it; by like feeble

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[figure description] Page 087.[end figure description]

tenure holding lungs and pouch, and yet knowing and
desiring nothing beyond them; for his mind, never
raised above mould, was now all but mouldered away.
To such a degree, indeed, that he had no trust in anything,
not even in his parchment bonds, which, the better
to preserve from the tooth of time, he had packed
down and sealed up, like brandy peaches, in a tin case
of spirits.

The worthy man proceeded at some length with
these dispiriting particulars. Nor would his cheery
companion wholly deny that there might be a point of
view from which such a case of extreme want of confidence
might, to the humane mind, present features not
altogether welcome as wine and olives after dinner.
Still, he was not without compensatory considerations,
and, upon the whole, took his companion to task for
evincing what, in a good-natured, round-about way, he
hinted to be a somewhat jaundiced sentimentality.
Nature, he added, in Shakespeare's words, had meal and
bran; and, rightly regarded, the bran in its way was
not to be condemned.

The other was not disposed to question the justice of
Shakespeare's thought, but would hardly admit the
propriety of the application in this instance, much less
of the comment. So, after some further temperate discussion
of the pitiable miser, finding that they could
not entirely harmonize, the merchant cited another case,
that of the negro cripple. But his companion suggested
whether the alleged hardships of that alleged
unfortunate might not exist more in the pity of the

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[figure description] Page 088.[end figure description]

observer than the experience of the observed. He knew
nothing about the cripple, nor had seen him, but ventured
to surmise that, could one but get at the real state
of his heart, he would be found about as happy as most
men, if not, in fact, full as happy as the speaker himself.
He added that negroes were by nature a singularly
cheerful race; no one ever heard of a native-born African
Zimmermann or Torquemada; that even from religion
they dismissed all gloom; in their hilarious rituals they
danced, so to speak, and, as it were, cut pigeon-wings.
It was improbable, therefore, that a negro, however reduced
to his stumps by fortune, could be ever thrown
off the legs of a laughing philosophy.

Foiled again, the good merchant would not desist, but
ventured still a third case, that of the man with the
weed, whose story, as narrated by himself, and confirmed
and filled out by the testimony of a certain man in a
gray coat, whom the merchant had afterwards met, he
now proceeded to give; and that, without holding
back those particulars disclosed by the second informant,
but which delicacy had prevented the unfortunate
man himself from touching upon.

But as the good merchant could, perhaps, do better
justice to the man than the story, we shall venture to
tell it in other words than his, though not to any other
effect.

-- --

CHAPTER XII. STORY OF THE UNFORTUNATE MAN, FROM WHICH MAY BE GATHERED WHETHER OR NO HE HAS BEEN JUSTLY SO ENTITLED.

[figure description] Page 089.[end figure description]

It appeared that the unfortunate man had had for a
wife one of those natures, anomalously vicious, which
would almost tempt a metaphysical lover of our species
to doubt whether the human form be, in all cases, conclusive
evidence of humanity, whether, sometimes, it may
not be a kind of unpledged and indifferent tabernacle,
and whether, once for all to crush the saying of Thrasea,
(an unaccountable one, considering that he himself was
so good a man) that “he who hates vice, hates humanity,”
it should not, in self-defense, be held for a reasonable
maxim, that none but the good are human.

Goneril was young, in person lithe and straight, too
straight, indeed, for a woman, a complexion naturally
rosy, and which would have been charmingly so, but for
a certain hardness and bakedness, like that of the glazed
colors on stone-ware. Her hair was of a deep, rich
chestnut, but worn in close, short curls all round her
head. Her Indian figure was not without its impairing
effect on her bust, while her mouth would have been
pretty but for a trace of moustache. Upon the whole,

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[figure description] Page 090.[end figure description]

aided by the resources of the toilet, her appearance at
distance was such, that some might have thought her, if
anything, rather beautiful, though of a style of beauty
rather peculiar and cactus-like.

It was happy for Goneril that her more striking peculiarities
were less of the person than of temper and taste.
One hardly knows how to reveal, that, while having a
natural antipathy to such things as the breast of chicken,
or custard, or peach, or grape, Goneril could yet in
private make a satisfactory lunch on hard crackers and
brawn of ham. She liked lemons, and the only kind of
candy she loved were little dried sticks of blue clay,
secretly carried in her pocket. Withal she had hard,
steady health like a squaw's, with as firm a spirit and
resolution. Some other points about her were likewise
such as pertain to the women of savage life. Lithe
though she was, she loved supineness, but upon occasion
could endure like a stoic. She was taciturn, too. From
early morning till about three o'clock in the afternoon
she would seldom speak—it taking that time to thaw
her, by all accounts, into but talking terms with humanity.
During the interval she did little but look, and
keep looking out of her large, metallic eyes, which her
enemies called cold as a cuttle-fish's, but which by her
were esteemed gazelle-like; for Goneril was not without
vanity. Those who thought they best knew her, often
wondered what happiness such a being could take in
life, not considering the happiness which is to be had by
some natures in the very easy way of simply causing
pain to those around them. Those who suffered from

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[figure description] Page 091.[end figure description]

Goneril's strange nature, might, with one of those
hyberboles to which the resentful incline, have pronounced
her some kind of toad; but her worst slanderers
could never, with any show of justice, have accused
her of being a toady. In a large sense she possessed
the virtue of independence of mind. Goneril held it
flattery to hint praise even of the absent, and even if
merited; but honesty, to fling people's imputed faults
into their faces. This was thought malice, but it certainly
was not passion. Passion is human. Like an
icicle-dagger, Goneril at once stabbed and froze; so at
least they said; and when she saw frankness and innocence
tyrannized into sad nervousness under her spell,
according to the same authority, inly she chewed her
blue clay, and you could mark that she chuckled. These
peculiarities were strange and unpleasing; but another
was alleged, one really incomprehensible. In company
she had a strange way of touching, as by accident, the
arm or hand of comely young men, and seemed to reap
a secret delight from it, but whether from the humane
satisfaction of having given the evil-touch, as it is called,
or whether it was something else in her, not equally
wonderful, but quite as deplorable, remained an enigma.

Needless to say what distress was the unfortunate man's,
when, engaged in conversation with company, he would
suddenly perceive his Goneril bestowing her mysterious
touches, especially in such cases where the strangeness
of the thing seemed to strike upon the touched person,
notwithstanding good-breeding forbade his proposing
the mystery, on the spot, as a subject of discussion for

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[figure description] Page 092.[end figure description]

the company. In these cases, too, the unfortunate man
could never endure so much as to look upon the touched
young gentleman afterwards, fearful of the mortification
of meeting in his countenance some kind of more or less
quizzingly-knowing expression. He would shudderingly
shun the young gentleman. So that here, to the husband,
Goneril's touch had the dread operation of the
heathen taboo. Now Goneril brooked no chiding. So,
at favorable times, he, in a wary manner, and not indelicately,
would venture in private interviews gently to
make distant allusions to this questionable propensity.
She divined him. But, in her cold loveless way, said it
was witless to be telling one's dreams, especially foolish
ones; but if the unfortunate man liked connubially to
rejoice his soul with such chimeras, much connubial joy
might they give him. All this was sad—a touching
case—but all might, perhaps, have been borne by the
unfortunate man—conscientiously mindful of his vow—
for better or for worse—to love and cherish his dear
Goneril so long as kind heaven might spare her to him—
but when, after all that had happened, the devil of
jealousy entered her, a calm, clayey, cakey devil, for
none other could possess her, and the object of that deranged
jealousy, her own child, a little girl of seven, her
father's consolation and pet; when he saw Goneril artfully
torment the little innocent, and then play the
maternal hypocrite with it, the unfortunate man's patient
long-suffering gave way. Knowing that she would
neither confess nor amend, and might, possibly, become
even worse than she was, he thought it but duty as a

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[figure description] Page 093.[end figure description]

father, to withdraw the child from her; but, loving it as
he did, he could not do so without accompanying it into
domestic exile himself. Which, hard though it was, he
did. Whereupon the whole female neighborhood, who
till now had little enough admired dame Goneril, broke
out in indignation against a husband, who, without assigning
a cause, could deliberately abandon the wife of
his bosom, and sharpen the sting to her, too, by depriving
her of the solace of retaining her offspring. To all this,
self-respect, with Christian charity towards Goneril, long
kept the unfortunate man dumb. And well had it been
had he continued so; for when, driven to desperation,
he hinted something of the truth of the case, not a soul
would credit it; while for Goneril, she pronounced all
he said to be a malicious invention. Ere long, at the
suggestion of some woman's-rights women, the injured
wife began a suit, and, thanks to able counsel and accommodating
testimony, succeeded in such a way, as
not only to recover custody of the child, but to get such
a settlement awarded upon a separation, as to make
penniless the unfortunate man (so he averred), besides,
through the legal sympathy she enlisted, effecting a
judicial blasting of his private reputation. What made
it yet more lamentable was, that the unfortunate man,
thinking that, before the court, his wisest plan, as well
as the most Christian besides, being, as he deemed, not
at variance with the truth of the matter, would be to
put forth the plea of the mental derangement of Goneril,
which done, he could, with less of mortification to himself,
and odium to her, reveal in self-defense those

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[figure description] Page 094.[end figure description]

eccentricities which had led to his retirement from the
joys of wedlock, had much ado in the end to prevent this
charge of derangement from fatally recoiling upon himself—
especially, when, among other things, he alleged
her mysterious touchings. In vain did his counsel,
striving to make out the derangement to be where, in
fact, if anywhere, it was, urge that, to hold otherwise,
to hold that such a being as Goneril was sane, this was
constructively a libel upon womankind. Libel be it.
And all ended by the unfortunate man's subsequently
getting wind of Goneril's intention to procure him to
be permanently committed for a lunatic. Upon which
he fled, and was now an innocent outcast, wandering
forlorn in the great valley of the Mississippi, with a
weed on his hat for the loss of his Goneril; for he had
lately seen by the papers that she was dead, and thought
it but proper to comply with the prescribed form of
mourning in such cases. For some days past he had
been trying to get money enough to return to his child,
and was but now started with inadequate funds.

Now all of this, from the beginning, the good merchant
could not but consider rather hard for the unfortunate
man.

-- --

CHAPTER XIII. THE MAN WITH THE TRAVELING-CAP EVINCES MUCH HUMANITY, AND IN A WAY WHICH WOULD SEEM TO SHOW HIM TO BE ONE OF THE MOST LOGICAL OF OPTIMISTS.

[figure description] Page 095.[end figure description]

Years ago, a grave American savan, being in London,
observed at an evening party there, a certain coxcombical
fellow, as he thought, an absurd ribbon in his lapel,
and full of smart persiflage, whisking about to the admiration
of as many as were disposed to admire. Great
was the savan's disdain; but, chancing ere long to find
himself in a corner with the jackanapes, got into conversation
with him, when he was somewhat ill-prepared
for the good sense of the jackanapes, but was altogether
thrown aback, upon subsequently being whispered by a
friend that the jackanapes was almost as great a savan
as himself, being no less a personage than Sir Humphrey
Davy.

The above anecdote is given just here by way of an
anticipative reminder to such readers as, from the kind
of jaunty levity, or what may have passed for such,
hitherto for the most part appearing in the man with the
traveling-cap, may have been tempted into a more or
less hasty estimate of him; that such readers, when

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[figure description] Page 096.[end figure description]

they find the same person, as they presently will, capable
of philosophic and humanitarian discourse—no mere
casual sentence or two as heretofore at times, but solidly
sustained throughout an almost entire sitting; that they
may not, like the American savan, be thereupon betrayed
into any surprise incompatible with their own good
opinion of their previous penetration.

The merchant's narration being ended, the other
would not deny but that it did in some degree affect
him. He hoped he was not without proper feeling for
the unfortunate man. But he begged to know in what
spirit he bore his alleged calamities. Did he despond
or have confidence?

The merchant did not, perhaps, take the exact import
of the last member of the question; but answered, that,
if whether the unfortuante man was becomingly resigned
under his affliction or no, was the point, he could say for
him that resigned he was, and to an exemplary degree:
for not only, so far as known, did he refrain from any
one-sided reflections upon human goodness and human
justice, but there was observable in him an air of
chastened reliance, and at times tempered cheerfulness.

Upon which the other observed, that since the unfortunate
man's alleged experience could not be deemed
very conciliatory towards a view of human nature better
than human nature was, it largely redounded to his
fair-mindedness, as well as piety, that under the alleged
dissuasives, apparently so, from philanthropy, he had
not, in a moment of excitement, been warped over to
the ranks of the misanthropes. He doubted not, also,

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[figure description] Page 097.[end figure description]

that with such a man his experience would, in the end,
act by a complete and beneficent inversion, and so far
from shaking his confidence in his kind, confirm it, and
rivet it. Which would the more surely be the case, did
he (the unfortunate man) at last become satisfied (as
sooner or later he probably would be) that in the distraction
of his mind his Goneril had not in all respects
had fair play. At all events, the description of the
lady, charity could not but regard as more or less exaggerated,
and so far unjust. The truth probably was
that she was a wife with some blemishes mixed with
some beauties. But when the blemishes were displayed,
her husband, no adept in the female nature, had tried to
use reason with her, instead of something far more persuasive.
Hence his failure to convince and convert.
The act of withdrawing from her, seemed, under the
circumstances, abrupt. In brief, there were probably
small faults on both sides, more than balanced by large
virtues; and one should not be hasty in judging.

When the merchant, strange to say, opposed views so
calm and impartial, and again, with some warmth, deplored
the case of the unfortunate man, his companion,
not without seriousness, checked him, saying, that this
would never do; that, though but in the most exceptional
case, to admit the existence of unmerited misery, more
particularly if alleged to have been brought about by
unhindered arts of the wicked, such an admission was,
to say the least, not prudent; since, with some, it might
unfavorably bias their most important persuasions. Not
that those persuasions were legitimately servile to such

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[figure description] Page 098.[end figure description]

influences. Because, since the common occurrences of
life could never, in the nature of things, steadily look one
way and tell one story, as flags in the trade-wind; hence,
if the conviction of a Providence, for instance, were in
any way made dependent upon such variabilities as
everyday events, the degree of that conviction would,
in thinking minds, be subject to fluctuations akin to those
of the stock-exchange during a long and uncertain war.
Here he glanced aside at his transfer-book, and after a
moment's pause continued. It was of the essence of a
right conviction of the divine nature, as with a right
conviction of the human, that, based less on experience
than intuition, it rose above the zones of weather.

When now the merchant, with all his heart, coincided
with this (as being a sensible, as well as religious person,
he could not but do), his companion expressed satisfaction,
that, in an age of some distrust on such subjects,
he could yet meet with one who shared with him,
almost to the full, so sound and sublime a confidence.

Still, he was far from the illiberality of denying that
philosophy duly bounded was not permissible. Only
he deemed it at least desirable that, when such a case as
that alleged of the unfortunate man was made the subject
of philosophic discussion, it should be so philosophized
upon, as not to afford handles to those unblessed
with the true light. For, but to grant that there was
so much as a mystery about such a case, might by those
persons be held for a tacit surrender of the question.
And as for the apparent license temporarily permitted
sometimes, to the bad over the good (as was by

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implication alleged with regard to Goneril and the unfortnnate
man), it might be injudicious there to lay too much
polemic stress upon the doctrine of future retribution as
the vindication of present impunity. For though, indeed,
to the right-minded that doctrine was true, and of sufficient
solace, yet with the perverse the polemic mention
of it might but provoke the shallow, though mischievous
conceit, that such a doctrine was but tantamount to the
one which should affirm that Providence was not now,
but was going to be. In short, with all sorts of cavilers,
it was best, both for them and everybody, that whoever
had the true light should stick behind the secure
Malakoff of confidence, nor be tempted forth to hazardous
skirmishes on the open ground of reason. Therefore,
he deemed it unadvisable in the good man, even in
the privacy of his own mind, or in communion with a
congenial one, to indulge in too much latitude of philosophizing,
or, indeed, of compassionating, since this might
beget an indiscreet habit of thinking and feeling which
might unexpectedly betray him upon unsuitable occasions.
Indeed, whether in private or public, there was
nothing which a good man was more bound to guard
himself against than, on some topics, the emotional unreserve
of his natural heart; for, that the natural heart,
in certain points, was not what it might be, men had
been authoritatively admonished.

But he thought he might be getting dry.

The merchant, in his good-nature, thought otherwise,
and said that he would be glad to refresh himself with
such fruit all day. It was sitting under a ripe pulpit,

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and better such a seat than under a ripe peach-tree.

The other was pleased to find that he had not, as he
feared, been prosing; but would rather not be considered
in the formal light of a preacher; he preferred
being still received in that of the equal and genial companion.
To which end, throwing still more of sociability
into his manner, he again reverted to the unfortunate
man. Take the very worst view of that case;
admit that his Goneril was, indeed, a Goneril; how
fortunate to be at last rid of this Goneril, both by
nature and by law? If he were acquainted with the
unfortunate man, instead of condoling with him, he
would congratulate him. Great good fortune had this
unfortunate man. Lucky dog, he dared say, after all.

To which the merchant replied, that he earnestly
hoped it might be so, and at any rate he tried his best
to comfort himself with the persuasion that, if the unfortunate
man was not happy in this world, he would,
at least, be so in another.

His companion made no question of the unfortunate
man's happiness in both worlds; and, presently calling
for some champagne, invited the merchant to partake,
upon the playful plea that, whatever notions other than
felicitous ones he might associate with the unfortunate
man, a little champagne would readily bubble away.

At intervals they slowly quaffed several glasses in
silence and thoughtfulness. At last the merchant's expressive
face flushed, his eye moistly beamed, his lips
trembled with an imaginative and feminine sensibility.

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Without sending a single fume to his head, the wine
seemed to shoot to his heart, and begin soothsaying
there. “Ah,” he cried, pushing his glass from him,
“Ah, wine is good, and confidence is good; but can wine
or confidence percolate down through all the stony
strata of hard considerations, and drop warmly and
ruddily into the cold cave of truth? Truth will not be
comforted. Led by dear charity, lured by sweet hope,
fond fancy essays this feat; but in vain; mere dreams
and ideals, they explode in your hand, leaving naught
but the scorching behind!”

“Why, why, why!” in amaze, at the burst; “bless
me, if In vino veritas be a true saying, then, for all the
fine confidence you professed with me, just now, distrust,
deep distrust, underlies it; and ten thousand
strong, like the Irish Rebellion, breaks out in you now.
That wine, good wine, should do it! Upon my soul,”
half seriously, half humorously, securing the bottle,
“you shall drink no more of it. Wine was meant to
gladden the heart, not grieve it; to heighten confidence,
not depress it.”

Sobered, shamed, all but confounded, by this raillery,
the most telling rebuke under such circumstances, the
merchant stared about him, and then, with altered mien,
stammeringly confessed, that he was almost as much
surprised as his companion, at what had escaped him.
He did not understand it; was quite at a loss to account
for such a rhapsody popping out of him unbidden. It
could hardly be the champagne; he felt his brain unaffected;
in fact, if anything, the wine had acted upon

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it something like white of egg in coffee, clarifying and
brightening.”

“Brightening? brightening it may be, but less like
the white of egg in coffee, than like stove-lustre on a
stove—black, brightening seriously, I repent calling for
the champagne. To a temperament like yours, champagne
is not to be recommended. Pray, my dear sir, do
you feel quite yourself again? Confidence restored?”

“I hope so; I think I may say it is so. But we have
had a long talk, and I think I must retire now.”

So saying, the merchant rose, and making his adieus,
left the table with the air of one, mortified at having
been tempted by his own honest goodness, accidentally
stimulated into making mad disclosures—to himself as
to another—of the queer, unaccountable caprices of his
natural heart.

-- --

CHAPTER XIV. WORTH THE CONSIDERATION OF THOSE TO WHOM IT MAY PROVE WORTH CONSIDERING.

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As the last chapter was begun with a reminder looking
forwards, so the present must consist of one glancing
backwards.

To some, it may raise a degree of surprise that one
so full of confidence, as the merchant has throughout
shown himself, up to the moment of his late sudden impulsiveness,
should, in that instance, have betrayed such
a depth of discontent. He may be thought inconsistent,
and even so he is. But for this, is the author to be
blamed? True, it may be urged that there is nothing
a writer of fiction should more carefully see to, as there
is nothing a sensible reader will more carefully look for,
than that, in the depiction of any character, its consistency
should be preserved. But this, though at first blush,
seeming reasonable enough, may, upon a closer view,
prove not so much so. For how does it couple with
another requirement—equally insisted upon, perhaps—
that, while to all fiction is allowed some play of invention,
yet, fiction based on fact should never be contradictory
to it; and is it not a fact, that, in real life, a consistent

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character is a rara avis? Which being so, the distaste
of readers to the contrary sort in books, can hardly arise
from any sense of their untrueness. It may rather be
from perplexity as to understanding them. But if the
acutest sage be often at his wits' ends to understand
living character, shall those who are not sages expect to
run and read character in those mere phantoms which
flit along a page, like shadows along a wall? That
fiction, where every character can, by reason of its consistency,
be comprehended at a glance, either exhibits
but sections of character, making them appear for
wholes, or else is very untrue to reality; while, on the
other hand, that author who draws a character, even
though to common view incongruous in its parts, as the
flying-squirrel, and, at different periods, as much at
variance with itself as the butterfly is with the caterpillar
into which it changes, may yet, in so doing, be
not false but faithful to facts.

If reason be judge, no writer has produced such inconsistent
characters as nature herself has. It must call
for no small sagacity in a reader unerringly to discriminate
in a novel between the inconsistencies of conception
and those of life as elsewhere. Experience is the only
guide here; but as no one man can be coextensive with
what is, it may be unwise in every case to rest upon it.
When the duck-billed beaver of Australia was first
brought stuffed to England, the naturalists, appealing
to their classifications, maintained that there was, in
reality, no such creature; the bill in the specimen
must needs be, in some way, artificially stuck on.

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But let nature, to the perplexity of the naturalists, produce
her duck-billed beavers as she may, lesser authors,
some may hold, have no business to be perplexing
readers with duck-billed characters. Always, they
should represent human nature not in obscurity, but
transparency, which, indeed, is the practice with most
novelists, and is, perhaps, in certain cases, someway felt
to be a kind of honor rendered by them to their kind.
But whether it involve honor or otherwise might be
mooted, considering that, if these waters of human
nature can be so readily seen through, it may be either
that they are very pure or very shallow. Upon the
whole, it might rather be thought, that he, who, in view
of its inconsistencies, says of human nature the same that,
in view of its contrasts, is said of the divine nature, that
it is past finding out, thereby evinces a better appreciation
of it than he who, by always representing it in a
clear light, leaves it to be inferred that he clearly knows
all about it.

But though there is a prejudice against inconsistent
characters in books, yet the prejudice bears the other
way, when what seemed at first their inconsistency,
afterwards, by the skill of the writer, turns out to be
their good keeping. The great masters excel in nothing
so much as in this very particular. They challenge
astonishment at the tangled web of some character,
and then raise admiration still greater at their satisfactory
unraveling of it; in this way throwing open,
sometimes to the understanding even of school misses,
the last complications of that spirit which is

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affirmed by its Creator to be fearfully and wonderfully
made.

At least, something like this is claimed for certain
psychological novelists; nor will the claim be here
disputed. Yet, as touching this point, it may prove
suggestive, that all those sallies of ingenuity, having for
their end the revelation of human nature on fixed principles,
have, by the best judges, been excluded with
contempt from the ranks of the sciences—palmistry,
physiognomy, phrenology, psychology. Likewise, the
fact, that in all ages such conflicting views have, by the
most eminent minds, been taken of mankind, would, as
with other topics, seem some presumption of a pretty
general and pretty thorough ignorance of it. Which
may appear the less improbable if it be considered that,
after poring over the best novels professing to portray
human nature, the studious youth will still run risk of
being too often at fault upon actually entering the world;
whereas, had he been furnished with a true delineation,
it ought to fare with him something as with a stranger
entering, map in hand, Boston town; the streets may be
very crooked, he may often pause; but, thanks to his true
map, he does not hopelessly lose his way. Nor, to this
comparison, can it be an adequate objection, that the
twistings of the town are always the same, and those of
human nature subject to variation. The grand points of
human nature are the same to-day they were a thousand
years ago. The only variability in them is in expression,
not in feature.

But as, in spite of seeming discouragement, some

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mathematicians are yet in hopes of hitting upon an exact
method of determining the longitude, the more earnest
psychologists may, in the face of previous failures, still
cherish expectations with regard to some mode of infallibly
discovering the heart of man.

But enough has been said by way of apology for
whatever may have seemed amiss or obscure in the
character of the merchant; so nothing remains but to turn
to our comedy, or, rather, to pass from the comedy of
thought to that of action.

-- --

CHAPTER XV. AN OLD MISER, UPON SUITABLE REPRESENTATIONS, IS PREVAILED UPON TO VENTURE AN INVESTMENT.

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The merchant having withdrawn, the other remained
seated alone for a time, with the air of one who, after
having conversed with some excellent man, carefully
ponders what fell from him, however intellectually inferior
it may be, that none of the profit may be lost;
happy if from any honest word he has heard he can
derive some hint, which, besides confirming him in the
theory of virtue, may, likewise, serve for a finger-post
to virtuous action.

Ere long his eye brightened, as if some such hint was
now caught. He rises, book in hand, quits the cabin,
and enters upon a sort of corridor, narrow and dim, a
by-way to a retreat less ornate and cheery than the
former; in short, the emigrants' quarters; but which,
owing to the present trip being a down-river one, will
doubtless be found comparatively tenantless. Owing
to obstructions against the side windows, the whole
place is dim and dusky; very much so, for the most
part; yet, by starts, haggardly lit here and there by
narrow, capricious sky-lights in the cornices. But there

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would seem no special need for light, the place being
designed more to pass the night in, than the day;
in brief, a pine barrens dormitory, of knotty pine bunks,
without bedding. As with the nests in the geometrical
towns of the associate penguin and pelican, these bunks
were disposed with Philadelphian regularity, but, like
the cradle of the oriole, they were pendulous, and,
moreover, were, so to speak, three-story cradles; the
description of one of which will suffice for all.

Four ropes, secured to the ceiling, passed downwards
through auger-holes bored in the corners of three rough
planks, which at equal distances rested on knots vertically
tied in the ropes, the lowermost plank but an inch
or two from the floor, the whole affair resembling, on a
large scale, rope book-shelves; only, instead of hanging
firmly against a wall, they swayed to and fro at the
least suggestion of motion, but were more especially
lively upon the provocation of a green emigrant sprawling
into one, and trying to lay himself out there, when
the cradling would be such as almost to toss him back
whence he came. In consequence, one less inexperienced,
essaying repose on the uppermost shelf, was liable
to serious disturbance, should a raw beginner select
a shelf beneath. Sometimes a throng of poor emigrants,
coming at night in a sudden rain to occupy these oriole
nests, would—through ignorance of their peculiarity—
bring about such a rocking uproar of carpentry, joining
to it such an uproar of exclamations, that it seemed as if
some luckless ship, with all its crew, was being dashed
to pieces among the rocks. They were beds devised

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by some sardonic foe of poor travelers, to deprive them
of that tranquillity which should precede, as well as
accompany, slumber.—Procrustean beds, on whose hard
grain humble worth and honesty writhed, still invoking
repose, while but torment responded. Ah, did any one
make such a bunk for himself, instead of having it made
for him, it might be just, but how cruel, to say, You
must lie on it!

But, purgatory as the place would appear, the
stranger advances into it; and, like Orpheus in his gay
descent to Tartarus, lightly hums to himself an opera
snatch.

Suddenly there is a rustling, then a creaking, one of
the cradles swings out from a murky nook, a sort of
wasted penguin-flipper is supplicatingly put forth,
while a wail like that of Dives is heard:—“Water,
water!”

It was the miser of whom the merchant had spoken.

Swift as a sister-of-charity, the stranger hovers over
him:—

“My poor, poor sir, what can I do for you?”

“Ugh, ugh—water!”

Darting out, he procures a glass, returns, and, holding it
to the sufferer's lips, supports his head while he drinks:
“And did they let you lie here, my poor sir, racked
with this parching thirst?”

The miser, a lean old man, whose flesh seemed salted
cod-fish, dry as combustibles; head, like one whittled
by an idiot out of a knot; flat, bony mouth, nipped
between buzzard nose and chin; expression, flitting

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between hunks and imbecile—now one, now the other—
he made no response. His eyes were closed, his cheek
lay upon an old white moleskin coat, rolled under his
head like a wizened apple upon a grimy snow-bank.

Revived at last, he inclined towards his ministrant,
and, in a voice disastrous with a cough, said:—“I am
old and miserable, a poor beggar, not worth a shoe-string—
how can I repay you?”

“By giving me your confidence.”

“Confidence!” he squeaked, with changed manner,
while the pallet swung, “little left at my age, but take
the stale remains, and welcome.”

“Such as it is, though, you give it. Very good.
Now give me a hundred dollars.”

Upon this the miser was all panic. His hands
groped towards his waist, then suddenly flew upward
beneath his moleskin pillow, and there lay clutching
something out of sight. Meantime, to himself he incoherently
mumbled:—“Confidence? Cant, gammon!
Confidence? hum, bubble!—Confidence? fetch, gouge!—
Hundred dollars?—hundred devils!”

Half spent, he lay mute awhile, then feebly raising
himself, in a voice for the moment made strong by the
sarcasm, said, “A hundred dollars? rather high price to
put upon confidence. But don't you see I am a poor,
old rat here, dying in the wainscot? You have served
me; but, wretch that I am, I can but cough you my
thanks,—ugh, ugh, ugh!”

This time his cough was so violent that its convulsions
were imparted to the plank, which swung him

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about like a stone in a sling preparatory to its being
hurled.

“Ugh, ugh, ugh!”

“What a shocking cough. I wish, my friend, the
herb-doctor was here now; abox of his Omni-Balsamic
Reinvigorator would do you good.”

“Ugh, ugh, ugh!”

“I've a good mind to go find him. He's aboard
somewhere. I saw his long, snuff-colored surtout.
Trust me, his medicines are the best in the
world.”

“Ugh, ugh, ugh!”

“Oh, how sorry I am.”

“No doubt of it,” squeaked the other again, “but go,
get your charity out on deck. There parade the pursy
peacocks; they don't cough down here in desertion and
darkness, like poor old me. Look how scaly a pauper I
am, clove with this churchyard cough. Ugh, ugh,
ugh!”

“Again, how sorry I feel, not only for your cough,
but your poverty. Such a rare chance made unavailable.
Did you have but the sum named, how I could
invest it for you. Treble profits. But confidence—
I fear that, even had you the precious cash, you
would not have the more precious confidence I speak
of.”

“Ugh, ugh, ugh!” flightily raising himself. “What's
that? How, how? Then you don't want the money
for yourself?”

“My dear, dear sir, how could you impute to me

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such preposterous self-seeking? To solicit out of hand,
for my private behoof, an hundred dollars from a perfect
stranger? I am not mad, my dear sir.”

“How, how?” still more bewildered, “do you, then,
go about the world, gratis, seeking to invest people's
money for them?”

“My humble profession, sir. I live not for myself;
but the world will not have confidence in me, and yet
confidence in me were great gain.”

“But, but,” in a kind of vertigo, “what do—do you
do—do with people's money? Ugh, ugh! How is the
gain made?”

“To tell that would ruin me. That known, every
one would be going into the business, and it would be
overdone. A secret, a mystery—all I have to do with
you is to receive your confidence, and all you have to
do with me is, in due time, to receive it back, thrice
paid in trebling profits.”

“What, what?” imbecility in the ascendant once
more; “but the vouchers, the vouchers,” suddenly
hunkish again.

“Honesty's best voucher is honesty's face.”

“Can't see yours, though,” peering through the obscurity.

From this last alternating flicker of rationality, the
miser fell back, sputtering, into his previous gibberish,
but it took now an arithmetical turn. Eyes closed, he
lay muttering to himself—

“One hundred, one hundred—two hundred, two hundred—
three hundred, three hundred.”

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He opened his eyes, feebly stared, and still more feebly
said—

“It's a little dim here, ain't it? Ugh, ugh! But,
as well as my poor old eyes can see, you look honest.”

“I am glad to hear that.”

“If—if, now, I should put”—trying to raise himself,
but vainly, excitement having all but exhausted him—
“if, if now, I should put, put—”

“No ifs. Downright confidence, or none. So help
me heaven, I will have no half-confidences.”

He said it with an indifferent and superior air, and
seemed moving to go.

“Don't, don't leave me, friend; bear with me; age
can't help some distrust; it can't, friend, it can't. Ugh,
ugh, ugh! Oh, I am so old and miserable. I ought to
have a guardeean. Tell me, if—”

“If? No more!”

“Stay! how soon—ugh, ugh!—would my money be
trebled? How soon, friend?”

“You won't confide. Good-bye!”

“Stay, stay,” falling back now like an infant, “I
confide, I confide; help, friend, my distrust!”

From an old buckskin pouch, tremulously dragged
forth, ten hoarded eagles, tarnished into the appearance
of ten old horn-buttons, were taken, and half-eagerly,
half-reluctantly, offered.

“I know not whether I should accept this slack confidence,”
said the other coldly, receiving the gold, “but
an eleventh-hour confidence, a sick-bed confidence, a

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distempered, death-bed confidence, after all. Give me
the healthy confidence of healthy men, with their
healthy wits about them. But let that pass. All right.
Good-bye!”

“Nay, back, back—receipt, my receipt! Ugh, ugh,
ugh! Who are you? What have I done? Where go
you? My gold, my gold! Ugh, ugh, ugh!”

But, unluckily for this final flicker of reason, the
stranger was now beyond ear-shot, nor was any one else
within hearing of so feeble a call.

-- --

CHAPTER XVI. A SICK MAN, AFTER SOME IMPATIENCE, IS INDUCED TO BECOME A PATIENT

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The sky slides into blue, the bluffs into bloom; the
rapid Mississippi expands; runs sparkling and gurgling,
all over in eddies; one magnified wake of a seventy-four.
The sun comes out, a golden huzzar, from his tent, flashing
his helm on the world. All things, warmed in the
landscape, leap. Speeds the dædal boat as a dream.

But, withdrawn in a corner, wrapped about in a shawl,
sits an unparticipating man, visited, but not warmed, by
the sun—a plant whose hour seems over,while buds
are blowing and seeds are astir. On a stool at his left
sits a stranger in a snuff-colored surtout, the collar
thrown back; his hand waving in persuasive gesture, his
eye beaming with hope. But not easily may hope be
awakened in one long tranced into hopelessness by a
chronic complaint.

To some remark the sick man, by word or look,
seemed to have just made an impatiently querulous
answer, when, with a deprecatory air, the other resumed:

“Nay, think not I seek to cry up my treatment by

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crying down that of others. And yet, when one is confident
he has truth on his side, and that it is not on the
other, it is no very easy thing to be charitable; not that
temper is the bar, but conscience; for charity would
beget toleration, you know, which is a kind of implied
permitting, and in effect a kind of countenancing; and
that which is countenanced is so far furthered. But
should untruth be furthered? Still, while for the
world's good I refuse to further the cause of these mineral
doctors, I would fain regard them, not as willful
wrong-doers, but good Samaritans erring. And is this—
I put it to you, sir—is this the view of an arrogant
rival and pretender?”

His physical power all dribbled and gone, the sick
man replied not by voice or by gesture; but, with feeble
dumb-show of his face, seemed to be saying “Pray leave
me; who was ever cured by talk?”

But the other, as if not unused to make allowances
for such despondency, proceeded; and kindly, yet firmly:

“You tell me, that by advice of an eminent physiologist
in Louisville, you took tincture of iron. For what?
To restore your lost energy. And how? Why, in
healthy subjects iron is naturally found in the blood, and
iron in the bar is strong; ergo, iron is the source of
animal invigoration. But you being deficient in vigor,
it follows that the cause is deficiency of iron. Iron, then,
must be put into you; and so your tincture. Now as
to the theory here, I am mute. But in modesty assuming
its truth, and then, as a plain man viewing that
theory in practice, I would respectfully question your

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eminent physiologist: `Sir,' I would say, `though by natural
processes, lifeless natures taken as nutriment become
vitalized, yet is a lifeless nature, under any circumstances,
capable of a living transmission, with all its qualities
as a lifeless nature unchanged? If, sir, nothing can
be incorporated with the living body but by assimilation,
and if that implies the conversion of one thing to a
different thing (as, in a lamp, oil is assimilated into
flame), is it, in this view, likely, that by banqueting on
fat, Calvin Edson will fatten? That is, will what is fat
on the board prove fat on the bones? If it will, then,
sir, what is iron in the vial will prove iron in the vein.'
Seems that conclusion too confident?”

But the sick man again turned his dumb-show look,
as much as to say, “Pray leave me. Why, with painful
words, hint the vanity of that which the pains of this
body have too painfully proved?”

But the other, as if unobservant of that querulous
look, went on:

“But this notion, that science can play farmer to the
flesh, making there what living soil it pleases, seems not
so strange as that other conceit—that science is now-a-days
so expert that, in consumptive cases, as yours, it
can, by prescription of the inhalation of certain vapors,
achieve the sublimest act of omnipotence, breathing
into all but lifeless dust the breath of life. For did you
not tell me, my poor sir, that by order of the great
chemist in Baltimore, for three weeks you were never
driven out without a respirator, and for a given time of
every day sat bolstered up in a sort of gasometer,

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inspiring vapors generated by the burning of drugs? as if this
concocted atmosphere of man were an antidote to the
poison of God's natural air. Oh, who can wonder at
that old reproach against science, that it is atheistical?
And here is my prime reason for opposing these chemical
practitioners, who have sought out so many inventions.
For what do their inventions indicate, unless it
be that kind and degree of pride in human skill, which
seems scarce compatible with reverential dependence
upon the power above? Try to rid my mind of it as I
may, yet still these chemical practitioners with their
tinctures, and fumes, and braziers, and occult incantations,
seem to me like Pharaoh's vain sorcerers, trying
to beat down the will of heaven. Day and night, in all
charity, I intercede for them, that heaven may not, in
its own language, be provoked to anger with their inventions;
may not take vengeance of their inventions. A
thousand pities that you should ever have been in the
hands of these Egyptians.”

But again came nothing but the dumb-show look, as
much as to say, “Pray leave me; quacks, and indignation
against quacks, both are vain.”

But, once more, the other went on: “How different
we herb-doctors! who claim nothing, invent nothing;
but staff in hand, in glades, and upon hillsides, go about
in nature, humbly seeking her cures. True Indian doctors,
though not learned in names, we are not unfamiliar
with essences—successors of Solomon the Wise, who
knew all vegetables, from the cedar of Lebanon, to the
hyssop on the wall. Yes, Solomon was the first of

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herb-doctors. Nor were the virtues of herbs unhonored
by yet older ages. Is it not writ, that on a moonlight
night,


“Medea gathered the enchanted herbs
That did renew old Æson?”
Ah, would you but have confidence, you should be
the new Æson, and I your Medea. A few vials of my
Omni-Balsamic Reinvigorator would, I am certain, give
you some strength.”

Upon this, indignation and abhorrence seemed to
work by their excess the effect promised of the balsam.
Roused from that long apathy of impotence, the cadaverous
man started, and, in a voice that was as the sound
of obstructed air gurgling through a maze of broken
honey-combs, cried: “Begone! You are all alike. The
name of doctor, the dream of helper, condemns you. For
years I have been but a gallipot for you experimentizers
to rinse your experiments into, and now, in this livid
skin, partake of the nature of my contents. Begone!
I hate ye.”

“I were inhuman, could I take affront at a want of
confidence, born of too bitter an experience of betrayers.
Yet, permit one who is not without feeling—”

“Begone! Just in that voice talked to me, not six
months ago, the German doctor at the water cure, from
which I now return, six months and sixty pangs nigher
my grave.”

“The water-cure? Oh, fatal delusion of the well-meaning
Preisnitz!—Sir, trust me—”

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“Begone!”

“Nay, an invalid should not always have his own
way. Ah, sir, reflect how untimely this distrust in one
like you. How weak you are; and weakness, is it not
the time for confidence? Yes, when through weakness
everything bids despair, then is the time to get strength
by confidence.”

Relenting in his air, the sick man cast upon him a
long glance of beseeching, as if saying, “With confidence
must come hope; and how can hope be?”

The herb-doctor took a sealed paper box from his
surtout pocket, and holding it towards him, said solemnly,
“Turn not away. This may be the last time of health's
asking. Work upon yourself; invoke confidence, though
from ashes; rouse it; for your life, rouse it, and invoke
it, I say.”

The other trembled, was silent; and then, a little
commanding himself, asked the ingredients of the medicine.

“Herbs.”

“What herbs? And the nature of them? And the
reason for giving them?”

“It cannot be made known.”

“Then I will none of you.”

Sedately observant of the juiceless, joyless form before
him, the herb-doctor was mute a moment, then
said:—“I give up.”

“How?”

“You are sick, and a philosopher.”

“No, no;—not the last.”

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“But, to demand the ingredient, with the reason for
giving, is the mark of a philosopher; just as the consequence
is the penalty of a fool. A sick philosopher is
incurable?”

“Why?”

“Because he has no confidence.”

“How does that make him incurable?”

“Because either he spurns his powder, or, if he take
it, it proves a blank cartridge, though the same given to
a rustic in like extremity, would act like a charm. I
am no materialist; but the mind so acts upon the body,
that if the one have no confidence, neither has the other.”

Again, the sick man appeared not unmoved. He
seemed to be thinking what in candid truth could be
said to all this. At length, “You talk of confidence.
How comes it that when brought low himself, the herb-doctor,
who was most confident to prescribe in other
cases, proves least confident to prescribe in his own;
having small confidence in himself for himself?”

“But he has confidence in the brother he calls in.
And that he does so, is no reproach to him, since he
knows that when the body is prostrated, the mind is
not erect. Yes, in this hour the herb-doctor does distrust
himself, but not his art.”

The sick man's knowledge did not warrant him to
gainsay this. But he seemed not grieved at it; glad to
be confuted in a way tending towards his wish.

“Then you give me hope?” his sunken eye turned up.

“Hope is proportioned to confidence. How much
confidence you give me, so much hope do I give you.

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“The house is, in one sense, Mrs. Warren's,” he said;
“but a school isn't altogether like a private house. It
must be open to inspection to a certain extent, at any
time. I can easily conceive that a lady at the head
of it might prefer that some examinations should take
place, informally, as it were.”

Mr. Don spoke philosophically, and as one of the
Trustees of a school; perhaps, too, as a man whose
curiosity saw a prospect of gratification, if Mrs. Wadham
could only have plenty of room and time. Miss
Minette had more delicacy: —

“If mother was going on an official visit, — if she
was a visitor, or on a committee, — why, even then” —
but as the sentence would have had little effect, probably,
if it had been finished, so it never reached any
end, for it was cut across by Mrs. Wadham's entrance,
and she filled a good deal of space, wherever she was.

“Couldn't you send a bouquet to Mrs. Warren?”
she asked, as she came in. “You'll have enough to
make a show, after you've cut off a good many.”

“Of course,” said the daughter, “we've got plenty of
flowers; but I should prefer sending them another
time, or taking them in my hand.”

“Here! Here!” said the mother, “let me take 'em.”
And with very summary fingers she snipped and clipped,
and crowded the flowers into one of her hands without
any care for arrangement, and then putting the bunch
into Mr. Don's charge, and receiving his very courteous
acknowledgment, she said, —

“There! those shall be your share to take care of:
I like always to have my hands free to take the reins,
if any thing should happen.”

During this time Eldridge had brought the carriage

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him the box, “I will be frank with you. Though
frankness is not always the weakness of the mineral
practitioner, yet the herb doctor must be frank, or
nothing. Now then, sir, in your case, a radical cure—
such a cure, understand, as should make you robust—
such a cure, sir, I do not and cannot promise.”

“Oh, you need not! only restore me the power of
being something else to others than a burdensome care,
and to myself a droning grief. Only cure me of this
misery of weakness; only make me so that I can walk
about in the sun and not draw the flies to me, as lured
by the coming of decay. Only do that—but that.”

“You ask not much; you are wise; not in vain have
you suffered. That little you ask, I think, can be
granted. But remember, not in a day, nor a week, nor
perhaps a month, but sooner or later; I say not exactly
when, for I am neither prophet nor charlatan. Still, if,
according to the directions in your box there, you take
my medicine steadily, without assigning an especial day,
near or remote, to discontinue it, then may you calmly
look for some eventual result of good. But again I say,
you must have confidence.”

Feverishly he replied that he now trusted he had, and
hourly should pray for its increase. When suddenly
relapsing into one of those strange caprices peculiar to
some invalids, he added: “But to one like me, it is so
hard, so hard. The most confident hopes so often have
failed me, and as often have I vowed never, no, never,
to trust them again. Oh,” feebly wringing his hands,
“you do not know, you do not know.”

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“I know this, that never did a right confidence come
to naught. But time is short; you hold your cure, to
retain or reject.”

“I retain,” with a clinch, “and now how much?”

“As much as you can evoke from your heart and
heaven.”

“How?—the price of this medicine?”

“I thought it was confidence you meant; how much
confidence you should have. The medicine,—that is
half a dollar a vial. Your box holds six.”

The money was paid.

“Now, sir,” said the herb-doctor, “my business calls
me away, and it may so be that I shall never see you
again; if then—”

He paused, for the sick man's countenance fell blank.

“Forgive me,” cried the other, “forgive that imprudent
phrase `never see you again.' Though I solely
intended it with reference to myself, yet I had forgotten
what your sensitiveness might be. I repeat, then, that
it may be that we shall not soon have a second interview,
so that hereafter, should another of my boxes be needed,
you may not be able to replace it except by purchase at
the shops; and, in so doing, you may run more or less
risk of taking some not salutary mixture. For such is
the popularity of the Omni-Balsamic Reinvigorator—
thriving not by the credulity of the simple, but the
trust of the wise—that certain contrivers have not been
idle, though I would not, indeed, hastily affirm of them
that they are aware of the sad consequences to the
public. Homicides and murderers, some call those

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contrivers; but I do not; for murder (if such a crime be
possible) comes from the heart, and these men's motives
come from the purse. Were they not in poverty, I
think they would hardly do what they do. Still, the
public interests forbid that I should let their needy
device for a living succeed. In short, I have adopted
precautions. Take the wrapper from any of my vials
and hold it to the light, you will see water-marked in
capitals the word `confidence,' which is the countersign
of the medicine, as I wish it was of the world. The
wrapper bears that mark or else the medicine is counterfeit.
But if still any lurking doubt should remain,
pray enclose the wrapper to this address,” handing a
card, “and by return mail I will answer.”

At first the sick man listened, with the air of vivid
interest, but gradually, while the other was still talking,
another strange caprice came over him, and he presented
the aspect of the most calamitous dejection.

“How now?” said the herb-doctor.

“You told me to have confidence, said that confidence
was indispensable, and here you preach to me
distrust. Ah, truth will out!”

“I told you, you must have confidence, unquestioning
confidence, I meant confidence in the genuine medicine,
and the genuine me.

“But in your absence, buying vials purporting to be
yours, it seems I cannot have unquestioning confidence.”

“Prove all the vials; trust those which are true.”

“But to doubt, to suspect, to prove—to have all this

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wearing work to be doing continually—how opposed to
confidence. It is evil!”

“From evil comes good. Distrust is a stage to
confidence. How has it proved in our interview? But
your voice is husky; I have let you talk too much.
You hold your cure; I leave you. But stay—when I
hear that health is yours, I will not, like some I know,
vainly make boasts; but, giving glory where all glory is
due, say, with the devout herb-doctor, Japus in Virgil,
when, in the unseen but efficacious presence of Venus,
he with simples healed the wound of Æneas:—



`This is no mortal work, no cure of mine,
Nor art's effect, but done by power divine.'”

-- --

CHAPTER XVII. TOWARDS THE END OF WHICH THE HERB-DOCTOR PROVES HIMSELF A FORGIVER OF INJURIES.

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In a kind of ante-cabin, a number of respectable looking
people, male and female, way-passengers, recently
come on board, are listlessly sitting in a mutually shy
sort of silence.

Holding up a small, square bottle, ovally labeled
with the engraving of a countenance full of soft pity as
that of the Romish-painted Madonna, the herb-doctor
passes slowly among them, benignly urbane, turning
this way and that, saying:—

“Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand here the
Samaritan Pain Dissuader, thrice-blessed discovery of
that disinterested friend of humanity whose portrait
you see. Pure vegetable extract. Warranted to remove
the acutest pain within less than ten minutes.
Five hundred dollars to be forfeited on failure. Especially
efficacious in heart disease and tic-douloureux.
Observe the expression of this pledged friend of humanity.—
Price only fifty cents.”

In vain. After the first idle stare, his auditors—in
pretty good health, it seemed—instead of encouraging

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his politeness, appeared, if anything, impatient of it;
and, perhaps, only diffidence, or some small regard for
his feelings, prevented them from telling him so. But,
insensible to their coldness, or charitably overlooking it,
he more wooingly than ever resumed: “May I venture
upon a small supposition? Have I your kind
leave, ladies and gentlemen?”

To which modest appeal, no one had the kindness to
answer a syllable.

“Well,” said he, resignedly, “silence is at least not
denial, and may be consent. My supposition is this:
possibly some lady, here present, has a dear friend at
home, a bed-ridden sufferer from spinal complaint. If
so, what gift more appropriate to that sufferer than this
tasteful little bottle of Pain Dissuader?”

Again he glanced about him, but met much the same
reception as before. Those faces, alien alike to sympathy
or surprise, seemed patiently to say, “We are travelers;
and, as such, must expect to meet, and quietly
put up with, many antic fools, and more antic quacks.”

“Ladies and gentlemen,” (deferentially fixing his eyes
upon their now self-complacent faces) ladies and gentlemen,
might I, by your kind leave, venture upon one
other small supposition? It is this: that there is scarce
a sufferer, this noonday, writhing on his bed, but in his
hour he sat satisfactorily healthy and happy; that the
Samaritan Pain Dissuader is the one only balm for
that to which each living creature—who knows?—may
be a draughted victim, present or prospective. In
short:—Oh, Happiness on my right hand, and oh,

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Security on my left, can ye wisely adore a Providence,
and not think it wisdom to provide?—Provide!” (Uplifting
the bottle.)

What immediate effect, if any, this appeal might have
had, is uncertain. For just then the boat touched at a
houseless landing, scooped, as by a land-slide, out of
sombre forests; back through which led a road, the
sole one, which, from its narrowness, and its being
walled up with story on story of dusk, matted foliage,
presented the vista of some cavernous old gorge in a
city, like haunted Cock Lane in London. Issuing from
that road, and crossing that landing, there stooped his
shaggy form in the door-way, and entered the ante-cabin,
with a step so burdensome that shot seemed in his
pockets, a kind of invalid Titan in homespun; his beard
blackly pendant, like the Carolina-moss, and dank with
cypress dew; his countenance tawny and shadowy as
an iron-ore country in a clouded day. In one hand he
carried a heavy walking-stick of swamp-oak; with the
other, led a puny girl, walking in moccasins, not improbably
his child, but evidently of alien maternity,
perhaps Creole, or even Camanche. Her eye would
have been large for a woman, and was inky as the pools
of falls among mountain-pines. An Indian blanket,
orange-hued, and fringed with lead tassel-work, appeared
that morning to have shielded the child from
heavy showers. Her limbs were tremulous; she seemed
a little Cassandra, in nervousness.

No sooner was the pair spied by the herb-doctor, than
with a cheerful air, both arms extended like a host's, he

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advanced, and taking the child's reluctant hand, said,
trippingly: “On your travels, ah, my little May Queen?
Glad to see you. What pretty moccasins. Nice to
dance in.” Then with a half caper sang—


“`Hey diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle;
The cow jumped over the moon.'
Come, chirrup, chirrup, my little robin!”

Which playful welcome drew no responsive playfulness
from the child, nor appeared to gladden or conciliate
the father; but rather, if anything, to dash the dead
weight of his heavy-hearted expression with a smile
hypochondriacally scornful.

Sobering down now, the herb-doctor addressed the
stranger in a manly, business-like way — a transition
which, though it might seem a little abrupt, did not
appear constrained, and, indeed, served to show that his
recent levity was less the habit of a frivolous nature,
than the frolic condescension of a kindly heart.

“Excuse me,” said he, “but, if I err not, I was speaking
to you the other day;—on a Kentucky boat, wasn't
it?”

“Never to me,” was the reply; the voice deep and
lonesome enough to have come from the bottom of an
abandoned coal-shaft.

“Ah!—But am I again mistaken, (his eye falling on
the swamp-oak stick,) or don't you go a little lame,
sir?”

“Never was lame in my life.”

“Indeed? I fancied I had perceived not a limp, but

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a hitch, a slight hitch;—some experience in these
things—divined some hidden cause of the hitch—buried
bullet, may be—some dragoons in the Mexican war discharged
with such, you know.—Hard fate!” he sighed,
“little pity for it, for who sees it?—have you dropped
anything?”

Why, there is no telling, but the stranger was bowed
over, and might have seemed bowing for the purpose of
picking up something, were it not that, as arrested
in the imperfect posture, he for the moment so remained;
slanting his tall stature like a mainmast yielding
to the gale, or Adam to the thunder.

The little child pulled him. With a kind of a surge
he righted himself, for an instant looked toward the
herb-doctor; but, either from emotion or aversion, or
both together, withdrew his eyes, saying nothing. Presently,
still stooping, he seated himself, drawing his child
between his knees, his massy hands tremulous, and still
averting his face, while up into the compassionate one
of the herb-doctor the child turned a fixed, melancholy
glance of repugnance.

The herb-doctor stood observant a moment, then
said:

“Surely you have pain, strong pain, somewhere; in
strong frames pain is strongest. Try, now, my specific,”
(holding it up). “Do but look at the expression
of this friend of humanity. Trust me, certain cure for
any pain in the world. Won't you look?”

“No,” choked the other.

“Very good. Merry time to you, little May Queen.”

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And so, as if he would intrude his cure upon no one,
moved pleasantly off, again crying his wares, nor now
at last without result. A new-comer, not from the
shore, but another part of the boat, a sickly young
man, after some questions, purchased a bottle. Upon
this, others of the company began a little to wake up
as it were; the scales of indifference or prejudice fell
from their eyes; now, at last, they seemed to have an
inkling that here was something not undesirable which
might be had for the buying.

But while, ten times more briskly bland than ever,
the herb-doctor was driving his benevolent trade, accompanying
each sale with added praises of the thing
traded, all at once the dusk giant, seated at some distance,
unexpectedly raised his voice with—

“What was that you last said?”

The question was put distinctly, yet resonantly, as
when a great clock-bell—stunning admonisher—strikes
one; and the stroke, though single, comes bedded in
the belfry clamor.

All proceedings were suspended. Hands held forth
for the specific were withdrawn, while every eye turned
towards the direction whence the question came. But,
no way abashed, the herb-doctor, elevating his voice
with even more than wonted self-possession, replied—

“I was saying what, since you wish it, I cheerfully
repeat, that the Samaritan Pain Dissuader, which I here
hold in my hand, will either cure or ease any pain
you please, within ten minutes after its application.”

“Does it produce insensibility?”

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“By no means. Not the least of its merits is, that
it is not an opiate. It kills pain without killing
feeling.”

“You lie! Some pains cannot be eased but by producing
insensibility, and cannot be cured but by producing
death.”

Beyond this the dusk giant said nothing; neither, for
impairing the other's market, did there appear much
need to. After eying the rude speaker a moment with
an expression of mingled admiration and consternation,
the company silently exchanged glances of mutual sympathy
under unwelcome conviction. Those who had
purchased looked sheepish or ashamed; and a cynicallooking
little man, with a thin flaggy beard, and a
countenance ever wearing the rudiments of a grin,
seated alone in a corner commanding a good view of
the scene, held a rusty hat before his face.

But, again, the herb-doctor, without noticing the retort,
overbearing though it was, began his panegyrics
anew, and in a tone more assured than before, going so
far now as to say that his specific was sometimes almost
as effective in cases of mental suffering as in cases
of physical; or rather, to be more precise, in cases
when, through sympathy, the two sorts of pain coöperated
into a climax of both—in such cases, he said, the
specific had done very well. He cited an example:
Only three bottles, faithfully taken, cured a Louisiana
widow (for three weeks sleepless in a darkened chamber)
of neuralgic sorrow for the loss of husband and
child, swept off in one night by the last epidemic. For

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the truth of this, a printed voucher was produced, duly
signed.

While he was reading it aloud, a sudden side-blow
all but felled him.

It was the giant, who, with a countenance lividly
epileptic with hypochondriac mania, exclaimed—

“Profane fiddler on heart-strings! Snake!”

More he would have added, but, convulsed, could
not; so, without another word, taking up the child,
who had followed him, went with a rocking pace out of
the cabin.

“Regardless of decency, and lost to humanity!”
exclaimed the herb-doctor, with much ado recovering
himself. Then, after a pause, during which he examined
his bruise, not omitting to apply externally a little
of his specific, and with some success, as it would
seem, plained to himself:

“No, no, I won't seek redress; innocence is my redress.
But,” turning upon them all, “if that man's
wrathful blow provokes me to no wrath, should his evil
distrust arouse you to distrust? I do devoutly hope,”
proudly raising voice and arm, “for the honor of
humanity—hope that, despite this coward assault, the
Samaritan Pain Dissuader stands unshaken in the confidence
of all who hear me!”

But, injured as he was, and patient under it, too,
somehow his case excited as little compassion as his
oratory now did enthusiasm. Still, pathetic to the last,
he continued his appeals, notwithstanding the frigid
regard of the company, till, suddenly interrupting

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himself, as if in reply to a quick summons from without, he
said hurriedly, “I come, I come,” and so, with every
token of precipitate dispatch, out of the cabin the
herb-doctor went.

-- --

CHAPTER XVIII. INQUEST INTO THE TRUE CHARACTER OF THE HERB-DOCTOR.

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Sha'n't see that fellow again in a hurry,” remarked
an auburn-haired gentleman, to his neighbor with a hook-nose.
“Never knew an operator so completely unmasked.”

“But do you think it the fair thing to unmask an
operator that way?”

“Fair? It is right.”

“Supposing that at high 'change on the Paris Bourse,
Asmodeus should lounge in, distributing hand-bills, revealing
the true thoughts and designs of all the operators
present—would that be the fair thing in Asmodeus?
Or, as Hamlet says, were it `to consider the thing too
curiously?'”

“We won't go into that. But since you admit the
fellow to be a knave—”

“I don't admit it. Or, if I did, I take it back.
Shouldn't wonder if, after all, he is no knave at all, or,
but little of one. What can you prove against him?”

“I can prove that he makes dupes.”

“Many held in honor do the same; and many, not
wholly knaves, do it too.”

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“How about that last?”

“He is not wholly at heart a knave, I fancy, among
whose dupes is himself. Did you not see our quack
friend apply to himself his own quackery? A fanatic
quack; essentially a fool, though effectively a
knave.”

Bending over, and looking down between his knees
on the floor, the auburn-haired gentleman meditatively
scribbled there awhile with his cane, then, glancing up,
said:

“I can't conceive how you, in any way, can hold
him a fool. How he talked—so glib, so pat, so
well.”

“A smart fool always talks well: takes a smart fool
to be tonguey.”

In much the same strain the discussion continued—
the hook-nosed gentleman talking at large and excellently,
with a view of demonstrating that a smart fool
always talks just so. Ere long he talked to such purpose
as almost to convince.

Presently, back came the person of whom the auburn-haired
gentleman had predicted that he would not
return. Conspicuous in the door-way he stood, saying,
in a clear voice, “Is the agent of the Seminole Widow
and Orphan Asylum within here?”

No one replied.

“Is there within here any agent or any member of
any charitable institution whatever?”

No one seemed competent to answer, or, no one
thought it worth while to.

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“If there be within here any such person, I have in
my hand two dollars for him.”

Some interest was manifested.

“I was called away so hurriedly, I forgot this part of
my duty. With the proprietor of the Samaritan Pain
Dissuader it is a rule, to devote, on the spot, to some
benevolent purpose, the half of the proceeds of sales.
Eight bottles were disposed of among this company.
Hence, four half-dollars remain to charity. Who, as
steward, takes the money?”

One or two pair of feet moved upon the floor, as with
a sort of itching; but nobody rose.

“Does diffidence prevail over duty? If, I say, there
be any gentleman, or any lady, either, here present, who
is in any connection with any charitable institution
whatever, let him or her come forward. He or she
happening to have at hand no certificate of such connection,
makes no difference. Not of a suspicious
temper, thank God, I shall have confidence in whoever
offers to take the money.”

A demure-looking woman, in a dress rather tawdry
and rumpled, here drew her veil well down and rose;
but, marking every eye upon her, thought it advisable,
upon the whole, to sit down again.

“Is it to be believed that, in this Christian company,
there is no one charitable person? I mean, no one connected
with any charity? Well, then, is there no object
of charity here?”

Upon this, an unhappy-looking woman, in a sort of
mourning, neat, but sadly worn, hid her face behind a

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meagre bundle, and was heard to sob. Meantime, as
not seeing or hearing her, the herb-doctor again spoke,
and this time not unpathetically:

“Are there none here who feel in need of help, and
who, in accepting such help, would feel that they, in
their time, have given or done more than may ever be
given or done to them? Man or woman, is there none
such here?”

The sobs of the woman were more audible, though
she strove to repress them. While nearly every one's
attention was bent upon her, a man of the appearance of
a day-laborer, with a white bandage across his face, concealing
the side of the nose, and who, for coolness' sake,
had been sitting in his red-flannel shirt-sleeves, his coat
thrown across one shoulder, the darned cuffs drooping
behind—this man shufflingly rose, and, with a pace that
seemed the lingering memento of the lock-step of convicts,
went up for a duly-qualified claimant.

“Poor wounded huzzar!” sighed the herb-doctor, and
dropping the money into the man's clam-shell of a hand
turned and departed.

The recipient of the alms was about moving after,
when the auburn-haired gentleman staid him: “Don't
be frightened, you; but I want to see those coins.
Yes, yes; good silver, good silver. There, take them
again, and while you are about it, go bandage the rest
of yourself behind something. D'ye hear? Consider
yourself, wholly, the scar of a nose, and be off with
yourself.”

Being of a forgiving nature, or else from emotion not

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daring to trust his voice, the man silently, but not
without some precipitancy, withdrew.

“Strange,” said the auburn-haired gentleman, returning
to his friend, “the money was good money.”

“Aye, and where your fine knavery now? Knavery
to devote the half of one's receipts to charity? He's a
fool I say again.”

“Others might call him an original genius.”

“Yes, being original in his folly. Genius? His
genius is a cracked pate, and, as this age goes, not
much originality about that.”

“May he not be knave, fool, and genius altogether?”

“I beg pardon,” here said a third person with a gossiping
expression who had been listening, “but you are
somewhat puzzled by this man, and well you may be.”

“Do you know anything about him?” asked the
hooked-nosed gentleman.

“No, but I suspect him for something.”

“Suspicion. We want knowledge.”

“Well, suspect first and know next. True knowledge
comes but by suspicion or revelation. That's my
maxim.”

“And yet,” said the auburn-haired gentleman, since
a wise man will keep even some certainties to himself,
much more some suspicions, at least he will at all events
so do till they ripen into knowledge.”

“Do you hear that about the wise man?” said the
hook-nosed gentleman, turning upon the new comer.
“Now what is it you suspect of this fellow?”

“I shrewdly suspect him,” was the eager response,

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“for one of those Jesuit emissaries prowling all over our
country. The better to accomplish their secret designs,
they assume, at times, I am told, the most singular
masques; sometimes, in appearance, the absurdest.”

This, though indeed for some reason causing a droll
smile upon the face of the hook-nosed gentleman, added
a third angle to the discussion, which now became a
sort of triangular duel, and ended, at last, with but a
triangular result.

-- --

CHAPTER XIX. A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE.

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Mexico? Molino del Rey? Resaca de la Palma?”

“Resaca de la Tombs!

Leaving his reputation to take care of itself, since, as
is not seldom the case, he knew nothing of its being in
debate, the herb-doctor, wandering to wardsthe forward
part of the boat, had there espied a singular character in a
grimy old regimental coat, a countenance at once grim
and wizened, interwoven paralyzed legs, stiff as icicles,
suspended between rude crutches, while the whole
rigid body, like a ship's long barometer on gimbals,
swung to and fro, mechanically faithful to the motion
of the boat. Looking downward while he swung, the
cripple seemed in a brown study.

As moved by the sight, and conjecturing that here
was some battered hero from the Mexican battle-fields,
the herb-doctor had sympathetically accosted him as
above, and received the above rather dubious reply. As,
with a half moody, half surly sort of air that reply was
given, the cripple, by a voluntary jerk, nervously increased
his swing (his custom when seized by emotion), so that

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one would have thought some squall had suddenly rolled
the boat and with it the barometer.

“Tombs? my friend,” exclaimed the herb-doctor in
mild surprise. “You have not descended to the dead,
have you? I had imagined you a scarred campaigner,
one of the noble children of war, for your dear country
a glorious sufferer. But you are Lazarus, it seems.”

“Yes, he who had sores.”

“Ah, the other Lazarus. But I never knew that
either of them was in the army,” glancing at the dilapidated
regimentals.

“That will do now. Jokes enough.”

“Friend,” said the other reproachfully, “you think
amiss. On principle, I greet unfortunates with some
pleasant remark, the better to call off their thoughts
from their troubles. The physician who is at once wise
and humane seldom unreservedly sympathizes with his
patient. But come, I am a herb-doctor, and also a natural
bone-setter. I may be sanguine, but I think I
can do something for you. You look up now. Give me
your story. Ere I undertake a cure, I require a full account
of the case.”

“You can't help me,” returned the cripple gruffly.
“Go away.”

“You seem sadly destitute of—”

“No I ain't destitute; to-day, at least, I can pay my
way.”

“The Natural Bone-setter is happy, indeed, to hear
that. But you were premature. I was deploring your
destitution, not of cash, but of confidence. You think

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the Natural Bone-setter can't help you. Well, suppose
he can't, have you any objection to telling him your
story. You, my friend, have, in a signal way, experienced
adversity. Tell me, then, for my private good,
how, without aid from the noble cripple, Epictetus, you
have arrived at his heroic sang-froid in misfortune.”

At these words the cripple fixed upon the speaker the
hard ironic eye of one toughened and defiant in misery,
and, in the end, grinned upon him with his unshaven face
like an ogre.

“Come, come, be sociable—be human, my friend.
Don't make that face; it distresses me.”

“I suppose,” with a sneer, “you are the man I've
long heard of—The Happy Man.”

“Happy? my friend. Yes, at least I ought to be.
My conscience is peaceful. I have confidence in everybody.
I have confidence that, in my humble profession,
I do some little good to the world. Yes, I think that,
without presumption, I may venture to assent to the
proposition that I am the Happy Man—the Happy Bone-setter.”

“Then you shall hear my story. Many a month I
have longed to get hold of the Happy Man, drill him,
drop the powder, and leave him to explode at his
leisure.”

“What a demoniac unfortunate,” exclaimed the herb-doctor
retreating. “Regular infernal machine!”

“Look ye,” cried the other, stumping after him, and
with his horny hand catching him by a horn button, “my
name is Thomas Fry. Until my—”

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—“Any relation of Mrs. Fry?” interrupted the other.
“I still correspond with that excellent lady on the subject
of prisons. Tell me, are you anyway connected
with my Mrs. Fry?”

“Blister Mrs. Fry! What do them sentimental souls
know of prisons or any other black fact? I'll tell ye
a story of prisons. Ha, ha!”

The herb-doctor shrank, and with reason, the laugh
being strangely startling.

“Positively, my friend,” said he, “you must stop
that; I can't stand that; no more of that. I hope I
have the milk of kindness, but your thunder will soon
turn it.”

“Hold, I haven't come to the milk-turning part yet.
My name is Thomas Fry. Until my twenty-third year
I went by the nickname of Happy Tom—happy—ha,
ha! They called me Happy Tom, d'ye see? because I was
so good-natured and laughing all the time, just as I am
now—ha, ha!”

Upon this the herb-doctor would, perhaps, have run,
but once more the hyæna clawed him. Presently,
sobering down, he continued:

“Well, I was born in New York, and there I lived a
steady, hard-working man, a cooper by trade. One
evening I went to a political meeting in the Park—for
you must know, I was in those days a great patriot. As
bad luck would have it, there was trouble near, between
a gentleman who had been drinking wine, and a pavior
who was sober. The pavior chewed tobacco, and the
gentleman said it was beastly in him, and pushed him,

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wanting to have his place. The pavior chewed on and
pushed back. Well, the gentleman carried a swordcane,
and presently the pavior was down—skewered.”

“How was that?”

“Why you see the pavior undertook something above
his strength.”

“The other must have been a Samson then. `Strong
as a pavior,' is a proverb.”

“So it is, and the gentleman was in body a rather
weakly man, but, for all that, I say again, the pavior
undertook something above his strength.”

“What are you talking about? He tried to maintain
his rights, didn't he?”

“Yes; but, for all that, I say again, he undertook
something above his strength.”

“I don't understand you. But go on.”

“Along with the gentleman, I, with other witnesses,
was taken to the Tombs. There was an examination,
and, to appear at the trial, the gentleman and witnesses
all gave bail—I mean all but me.”

“And why didn't you?”

“Couldn't get it.”

“Steady, hard-working cooper like you; what was
the reason you couldn't get bail?”

“Steady, hard-working cooper hadn't no friends.
Well, souse I went into a wet cell, like a canal-boat
splashing into the lock; locked up in pickle, d'ye see?
against the time of the trial.”

“But what had you done?”

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“Why, I hadn't got any friends, I tell ye. A worse
crime than murder, as ye'll see afore long.”

“Murder? Did the wounded man die?”

“Died the third night.”

“Then the gentleman's bail didn't help him. Imprisoned
now, wasn't he?”

“Had too many friends. No, it was I that was
imprisoned.—But I was going on: They let me walk
about the corridor by day; but at night I must into lock.
There the wet and the damp struck into my bones. They
doctored me, but no use. When the trial came, I was
boosted up and said my say.”

“And what was that?”

“My say was that I saw the steel go in, and saw it
sticking in.”

“And that hung the gentleman.”

“Hung him with a gold chain! His friends called a
meeting in the Park, and presented him with a gold
watch and chain upon his acquittal.”

“Acquittal?”

“Didn't I say he had friends?”

There was a pause, broken at last by the herb-doctor's
saying: “Well, there is a bright side to everything.
If this speak prosaically for justice, it speaks romantically
for friendship! But go on, my fine fellow.”

“My say being said, they told me I might go. I said
I could not without help. So the constables helped me,
asking where would I go? I told them back to the
`Tombs.' I knew no other place. `But where are your
friends?' said they. `I have none.' So they put me

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into a hand-barrow with an awning to it, and wheeled
me down to the dock and on board a boat, and away to
Blackwell's Island to the Corporation Hospital. There
I got worse—got pretty much as you see me now.
Couldn't cure me. After three years, I grew sick of
lying in a grated iron bed alongside of groaning thieves
and mouldering burglars. They gave me five silver dollars,
and these crutches, and I hobbled off. I had an
only brother who went to Indiana, years ago. I begged
about, to make up a sum to go to him; got to
Indiana at last, and they directed me to his grave. It
was on a great plain, in a log-church yard with a stump
fence, the old gray roots sticking all ways like mooseantlers.
The bier, set over the grave, it being the last
dug, was of green hickory; bark on, and green twigs
sprouting from it. Some one had planted a bunch of violets
on the mound, but it was a poor soil (always choose
the poorest soils for grave-yards), and they were all dried
to tinder. I was going to sit and rest myself on the bier
and think about my brother in heaven, but the bier
broke down, the legs being only tacked. So, after
driving some hogs out of the yard that were rooting
there, I came away, and, not to make too long a story
of it, here I am, drifting down stream like any other bit
of wreck.”

The herb-doctor was silent for a time, buried in
thought. At last, raising his head, he said: “I have
considered your whole story, my friend, and strove to
consider it in the light of a commentary on what I
believe to be the system of things; but it so jars with all,

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is so incompatible with all, that you must pardon me,
if I honestly tell you, I cannot believe it.”

“That don't surprise me.”

“How?”

“Hardly anybody believes my story, and so to most
I tell a different one.”

“How, again?”

“Wait here a bit and I'll show ye.”

With that, taking off his rag of a cap, and arranging
his tattered regimentals the best he could, off he went
stumping among the passengers in an adjoining part of
the deck, saying with a jovial kind of air: “Sir, a
shilling for Happy Tom, who fought at Buena Vista.
Lady, something for General Scott's soldier, crippled in
both pins at glorious Contreras.”

Now, it so chanced that, unbeknown to the cripple, a
prim-looking stranger had overheard part of his story.
Beholding him, then, on his present begging adventure,
this person, turning to the herb-doctor, indignantly said:
“Is it not too bad, sir, that yonder rascal should lie
so?”

“Charity never faileth, my good sir,” was the reply.
“The vice of this unfortunate is pardonable. Consider,
he lies not out of wantonness.”

“Not out of wantonness. I never heard more wanton
lies. In one breath to tell you what would appear to
be his true story, and, in the next, away and falsify it.”

“For all that, I repeat he lies not out of wantonness.
A ripe philosopher, turned out of the great Sorbonne of
hard times, he thinks that woes, when told to strangers

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for money, are best sugared. Though the inglorious
lock-jaw of his knee-pans in a wet dungeon is a far
more pitiable ill than to have been crippled at glorious
Contreras, yet he is of opinion that this lighter and
false ill shall attract, while the heavier and real one
might repel.”

“Nonsense; he belongs to the Devil's regiment; and
I have a great mind to expose him.”

“Shame upon you. Dare to expose that poor unfortunate,
and by heaven—don't you do it, sir.”

Noting something in his manner, the other thought it
more prudent to retire than retort. By-and-by, the
cripple came back, and with glee, having reaped a pretty
good harvest.

“There,” he laughed, “you know now what sort of
soldier I am.”

“Aye, one that fights not the stupid Mexican, but a
foe worthy your tactics—Fortune!”

“Hi, hi!” clamored the cripple, like a fellow in the
pit of a sixpenny theatre, then said, “don't know much
what you meant, but it went off well.”

This over, his countenance capriciously put on a
morose ogreness. To kindly questions he gave no kindly
answers. Unhandsome notions were thrown out
about “free Ameriky,” as he sarcastically called his country.
These seemed to disturb and pain the herb-doctor,
who, after an interval of thoughtfulness, gravely addressed
him in these words:

“You, my worthy friend, to my concern, have reflected
upon the government under which you live and

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suffer. Where is your patriotism? Where your gratitude?
True, the charitable may find something in your case,
as you put it, partly to account for such reflections as
coming from you. Still, be the facts how they may,
your reflections are none the less unwarrantable. Grant,
for the moment, that your experiences are as you give
them; in which case I would admit that government
might be thought to have more or less to do with what
seems undesirable in them. But it is never to be forgotten
that human government, being subordinate to the
divine, must needs, therefore, in its degree, partake of
the characteristics of the divine. That is, while in general
efficacious to happiness, the world's law may yet, in
some cases, have, to the eye of reason, an unequal operation,
just as, in the same imperfect view, some inequalities
may appear in the operations of heaven's law;
nevertheless, to one who has a right confidence, final
benignity is, in every instance, as sure with the one law
as the other. I expound the point at some length,
because these are the considerations, my poor fellow,
which, weighed as they merit, will enable you to sustain
with unimpaired trust the apparent calamities which
are yours.”

“What do you talk your hog-latin to me for?” cried
the cripple, who, throughout the address, betrayed the
most illiterate obduracy; and, with an incensed look,
anew he swung himself.

Glancing another way till the spasm passed, the
other continued:

“Charity marvels not that you should be somewhat

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hard of conviction, my friend, since you, doubltess,
believe yourself hardly dealt by; but forget not that
those who are loved are chastened.”

“Mustn't chasten them too much, though, and too
long, because their skin and heart get hard, and feel
neither pain nor tickle.”

“To mere reason, your case looks something piteous,
I grant. But never despond; many things—the
choicest—yet remain. You breathe this bounteous air,
are warmed by this gracious sun, and, though poor and
friendless, indeed, nor so agile as in your youth, yet, how
sweet to roam, day by day, through the groves, plucking
the bright mosses and flowers, till forlornness itself
becomes a hilarity, and, in your innocent independence,
you skip for joy.”

“Fine skipping with these 'ere horse-posts—ha ha!”

“Pardon; I forgot the crutches. My mind, figuring
you after receiving the benefit of my art, overlooked
you as you stand before me.”

“Your art? You call yourself a bone-setter—a natural
bone-setter, do ye? Go, bone-set the crooked world,
and then come bone-set crooked me.”

“Truly, my honest friend, I thank you for again recalling
me to my original object. Let me examine you,”
bending down; “ah, I see, I see; much such a case as the
negro's. Did you see him? Oh no, you came aboard
since. Well, his case was a little something like yours.
I prescribed for him, and I shouldn't wonder at all if, in
a very short time, he were able to walk almost as well
as myself. Now, have you no confidence in my art?”

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“Ha, ha!”

The herb-doctor averted himself; but, the wild laugh
dying away, resumed:

“I will not force confidence on you. Still, I would
fain do the friendly thing by you. Here, take this box;
just rub that liniment on the joints night and morning.
Take it. Nothing to pay. God bless you. Good-bye.”

“Stay,” pausing in his swing, not untouched by so
unexpected an act; “stay—thank'ee—but will this
really do me good? Honor bright, now; will it? Don't
deceive a poor fellow,” with changed mien and glistening
eye.

“Try it. Good-bye.”

“Stay, stay! Sure it will do me good?”

“Possibly, possibly; no harm in trying. Good-bye.”

“Stay, stay; give me three more boxes, and here's
the money.

“My friend,” returning towards him with a sadly
pleased sort of air, “I rejoice in the birth of your confidence
and hopefulness. Believe me that, like your
crutches, confidence and hopefulness will long support
a man when his own legs will not. Stick to confidence
and hopefulness, then, since how mad for the cripple to
throw his crutches away. You ask for three more boxes
of my liniment. Luckily, I have just that number remaining.
Here they are. I sell them at half-a-dollar
apiece. But I shall take nothing from you. There;
God bless you again; good-bye.”

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“Stay,” in a convulsed voice, and rocking himself,
“stay, stay! You have made a better man of me. You
have borne with me like a good Christian, and talked to
me like one, and all that is enough without making me
a present of these boxes. Here is the money. I won't
take nay. There, there; and may Almighty goodness
go with you.”

As the herb-doctor withdrew, the cripple gradually
subsided from his hard rocking into a gentle oscillation.
It expressed, perhaps, the soothed mood of his
reverie.

-- --

CHAPTER XX. REAPPEARANCE OF ONE WHO MAY BE REMEMBERED.

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The herb-doctor had not moved far away, when, in
advance of him, this spectacle met his eye. A dried-up
old man, with the stature of a boy of twelve, was tottering
about like one out of his mind, in rumpled
clothes of old moleskin, showing recent contact with
bedding, his ferret eyes, blinking in the sunlight of the
snowy boat, as imbecilely eager, and, at intervals, coughing,
he peered hither and thither as if in alarmed search
for his nurse. He presented the aspect of one who,
bed-rid, has, through overruling excitement, like that of
a fire, been stimulated to his feet.

“You seek some one,” said the herb-doctor, accosting
him. “Can I assist you?”

“Do, do; I am so old and miserable,” coughed the
old man. “Where is he? This long time I've been trying
to get up and find him. But I haven't any friends,
and couldn't get up till now. Where is he?”

“Who do you mean?” drawing closer, to stay the
further wanderings of one so weakly.

“Why, why, why,” now marking the other's dress,
“why you, yes you—you, you—ugh, ugh, ugh!”

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“I?”

“Ugh, ugh, ugh!—you are the man he spoke of.
Who is he?”

“Faith, that is just what I want to know.”

“Mercy, mercy!” coughed the old man, bewildered,
“ever since seeing him, my head spins round so. I
ought to have a guardeean. Is this a snuff-colored surtout
of yours, or ain't it? Somehow, can't trust my
senses any more, since trusting him—ugh, ugh, ugh!”

“Oh, you have trusted somebody? Glad to hear it.
Glad to hear of any instance of that sort. Reflects well
upon all men. But you inquire whether this is a snuff-colored
surtout. I answer it is; and will add that a
herb-doctor wears it.”

Upon this the old man, in his broken way, replied
that then he (the herb-doctor) was the person he
sought—the person spoken of by the other person as
yet unknown. He then, with flighty eagerness, wanted
to know who this last person was, and where he was,
and whether he could be trusted with money to treble it.

“Aye, now, I begin to understand; ten to one you
mean my worthy friend, who, in pure goodness of heart,
makes people's fortunes for them—their everlasting fortunes,
as the phrase goes—only charging his one small
commission of confidence. Aye, aye; before intrusting
funds with my friend, you want to know about him.
Very proper—and, I am glad to assure you, you need
have no hesitation; none, none, just none in the world;
bona fide, none. Turned me in a trice a hundred dollars
the other day into as many eagles.”

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“Did he? did he? But where is he? Take me to
him.”

“Pray, take my arm! The boat is large! We may
have something of a hunt! Come on! Ah, is that he?”

“Where? where?”

“O, no; I took yonder coat-skirts for his. But no,
my honest friend would never turn tail that way.
Ah!—”

“Where? where?”

“Another mistake. Surprising resemblance. I took
yonder clergyman for him. Come on!”

Having searched that part of the boat without success,
they went to another part, and, while exploring that,
the boat sided up to a landing, when, as the two were
passing by the open guard, the herb-doctor suddenly
rushed towards the disembarking throng, crying out:
“Mr. Truman, Mr. Truman! There he goes—that's he.
Mr. Truman, Mr. Truman!—Confound that steam-pipe.
Mr. Truman! for God's sake, Mr. Truman!—No, no.—
There, the plank's in—too late—we're off.”

With that, the huge boat, with a mighty, walrus
wallow, rolled away from the shore, resuming her
course.

“How vexatious!” exclaimed the herb-doctor, returning.
“Had we been but one single moment sooner.—
There he goes, now, towards yon hotel, his portmanteau
following. You see him, don't you?”

“Where? where?”

“Can't see him any more. Wheel-house shot between.
I am very sorry. I should have so liked you

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to have let him have a hundred or so of your money.
You would have been pleased with the investment, believe
me.”

“Oh, I have let him have some of my money,”
groaned the old man.

“You have? My dear sir,” seizing both the miser's
hands in both his own and heartily shaking them. “My
dear sir, how I congratulate you. You don't know.”

“Ugh, ugh! I fear I don't,” with another groan.
His name is Truman, is it?”

“John Truman.”

“Where does he live?”

“In St. Louis.”

“Where's his office?”

“Let me see. Jones street, number one hundred
and—no, no—anyway, it's somewhere or other up-stairs
in Jones street.”

“Can't you remember the number? Try, now.”

“One hundred—two hundred—three hundred—”

“Oh, my hundred dollars! I wonder whether it will
be one hundred, two hundred, three hundred, with
them! Ugh, ugh! Can't remember the number?”

“Positively, though I once knew, I have forgotten,
quite forgotten it. Strange. But never mind. You
will easily learn in St. Louis. He is well known
there.”

“But I have no receipt—ugh, ugh! Nothing to
show—don't know where I stand—ought to have a
guardeean—ugh, ugh! Don't know anything. Ugh,
ugh!”

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“Why, you know that you gave him your confidence,
don't you?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Well, then?”

“But what, what—how, how—ugh, ugh!”

“Why, didn't he tell you?”

“No.”

“What! Didn't he tell you that it was a secret, a
mystery?”

“Oh—yes.”

“Well, then?”

“But I have no bond.”

“Don't need any with Mr. Truman. Mr. Truman's
word is his bond.”

“But how am I to get my profits—ugh, ugh!—and
my money back? Don't know anything. Ugh, ugh!”

“Oh, you must have confidence.”

“Don't say that word again. Makes my head spin
so. Oh, I'm so old and miserable, nobody caring for
me, everybody fleecing me, and my head spins so—ugh,
ugh!—and this cough racks me so. I say again, I ought
to have a guardeean.”

“So you ought; and Mr. Truman is your guardian to
the extent you invested with him. Sorry we missed
him just now. But you'll hear from him. All right.
It's imprudent, though, to expose yourself this way.
Let me take you to your berth.”

Forlornly enough the old miser moved slowly away
with him. But, while descending a stairway, he was
seized with such coughing that he was fain to pause.

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“That is a very bad cough.”

“Church-yard—ugh, ugh!—church-yard cough.—
Ugh!”

“Have you tried anything for it?”

“Tired of trying. Nothing does me any good—ugh!
ugh! Not even the Mammoth Cave. Ugh! ugh!
Denned there six months, but coughed so bad the rest
of the coughers—ugh! ugh!—black-balled me out.
Ugh, ugh! Nothing does me good.”

“But have you tried the Omni-Balsamic Reinvigorator,
sir?”

“That's what that Truman — ugh, ugh! — said I
ought to take. Yarb-medicine; you are that yarb-doctor,
too?”

“The same. Suppose you try one of my boxes now.
Trust me, from what I know of Mr. Truman, he is not
the gentleman to recommend, even in behalf of a friend,
anything of whose excellence he is not conscientiously
satisfied.”

“Ugh!—how much?”

“Only two dollars a box.”

“Two dollars? Why don't you say two millions?
ugh, ugh! Two dollars, that's two hundred cents;
that's eight hundred farthings; that's two thousand
mills; and all for one little box of yarb-medicine. My
head, my head!—oh, I ought to have a guardeean for
my head. Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh!”

“Well, if two dollars a box seems too much, take a
dozen boxes at twenty dollars; and that will be getting
four boxes for nothing, and you need use none but those

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four, the rest you can retail out at a premium, and so
cure your cough, and make money by it. Come, you
had better do it. Cash down. Can fill an order in a
day or two. Here now,” producing a box; “pure
herbs.”

At that moment, seized with another spasm, the miser
snatched each interval to fix his half distrustful, half
hopeful eye upon the medicine, held alluringly up.
“Sure — ugh! Sure it's all nat'ral? Nothing but
yarbs? If I only thought it was a purely nat'ral medicine
now—all yarbs—ugh, ugh!—oh this cough, this
cough—ugh, ugh!—shatters my whole body. Ugh,
ugh, ugh!”

“For heaven's sake try my medicine, if but a single
box. That it is pure nature you may be confident.
Refer you to Mr. Truman.”

“Don't know his number—ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh! Oh
this cough. He did speak well of this medicine though;
said solemnly it would cure me—ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh!—
take off a dollar and I'll have a box.”

“Can't sir, can't.”

“Say a dollar-and-half. Ugh!”

“Can't. Am pledged to the one-price system, only
honorable one.”

“Take off a shilling—ugh, ugh!”

“Can't.”

“Ugh, ugh, ugh—I'll take it.—There.”

Grudgingly he handed eight silver coins, but while
still in his hand, his cough took him, and they were
shaken upon the deck.

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One by one, the herb-doctor picked them up, and,
examining them, said: “These are not quarters, these
are pistareens; and clipped, and sweated, at that.”

“Oh don't be so miserly—ugh, ugh!—better a beast
than a miser—ugh, ugh!”

“Well, let it go. Anything rather than the idea of
your not being cured of such a cough. And I hope, for
the credit of humanity, you have not made it appear
worse than it is, merely with a view to working upon
the weak point of my pity, and so getting my medicine
the cheaper. Now, mind, don't take it till night. Just
before retiring is the time. There, you can get along
now, can't you? I would attend you further, but I land
presently, and must go hunt up my luggage.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXI. A HARD CASE.

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Yarbs, yarbs; natur, natur; you foolish old file
you! He diddled you with that hocus-pocus, did he?
Yarbs and natur will cure your incurable cough, you
think.”

It was a rather eccentric-looking person who spoke;
somewhat ursine in aspect; sporting a shaggy spencer
of the cloth called bear's-skin; a high-peaked cap of raccoon-skin,
the long bushy tail switching over behind;
raw-hide leggings; grim stubble chin; and to end, a
double-barreled gun in hand—a Missouri bachelor, a
Hoosier gentleman, of Spartan leisure and fortune, and
equally Spartan manners and sentiments; and, as the
sequel may show, not less acquainted, in a Spartan way
of his own, with philosophy and books, than with wood-craft
and rifles.

He must have overheard some of the talk between the
miser and the herb-doctor; for, just after the withdrawal
of the one, he made up to the other—now at the foot
of the stairs leaning against the baluster there—with the
greeting above.

“Think it will cure me?” coughed the miser in echo;

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“why shouldn't it? The medicine is nat'ral yarbs,
pure yarbs; yarbs must cure me.”

“Because a thing is nat'ral, as you call it, you think
it must be good. But who gave you that cough? Was
it, or was it not, nature?”

“Sure, you don't think that natur, Dame Natur, will
hurt a body, do you?”

“Natur is good Queen Bess; but who's responsible
for the cholera?”

“But yarbs, yarbs; yarbs are good?”

“What's deadly-nightshade? Yarb, ain't it?”

“Oh, that a Christian man should speak agin natur
and yarbs—ugh, ugh, ugh!—ain't sick men sent out into
the country; sent out to natur and grass?”

“Aye, and poets send out the sick spirit to green
pastures, like lame horses turned out unshod to the turf
to renew their hoofs. A sort of yarb-doctors in their
way, poets have it that for sore hearts, as for sore lungs,
nature is the grand cure. But who froze to death my
teamster on the prairie? And who made an idiot of
Peter the Wild Boy?”

“Then you don't believe in these 'ere yarb-doctors?”

“Yarb-doctors? I remember the lank yarb-doctor
I saw once on a hospital-cot in Mobile. One of the
faculty passing round and seeing who lay there, said
with professional triumph, “Ah, Dr. Green, your yarbs
don't help ye now, Dr. Green. Have to come to us and
the mercury now, Dr. Green.—Natur! Y-a-r-b-s!”

“Did I hear something about herbs and herb-doctors?”
here said a flute-like voice, advancing.

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It was the herb-doctor in person. Carpet-bag in
hand, he happened to be strolling back that way.

“Pardon me,” addressing the Missourian, “but if I
caught your words aright, you would seem to have little
confidence in nature; which, really, in my way of
thinking, looks like carrying the spirit of distrust pretty
far.”

“And who of my sublime species may you be?”
turning short round upon him, clicking his rifle-lock,
with an air which would have seemed half cynic, half
wild-cat, were it not for the grotesque excess of the expression,
which made its sincerity appear more or less
dubious.

“One who has confidence in nature, and confidence
in man, with some little modest confidence in himself.”

“That's your Confession of Faith, is it? Confidence
in man, eh? Pray, which do you think are most,
knaves or fools?”

“Having met with few or none of either, I hardly
think I am competent to answer.”

“I will answer for you. Fools are most.”

“Why do you think so?”

“For the same reason that I think oats are numerically
more than horses. Don't knaves munch up fools
just as horses do oats?”

“A droll, sir; you are a droll. I can appreciate
drollery—ha, ha, ha!”

“But I'm in earnest.”

“That's the drollery, to deliver droll extravagance
with an earnest air—knaves munching up fools as horses

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oats.—Faith, very droll, indeed, ha, ha, ha! Yes, I
think I understand you now, sir. How silly I was to
have taken you seriously, in your droll conceits, too,
about having no confidence in nature. In reality you
have just as much as I have.”

I have confidence in nature? I? I say again there
is nothing I am more suspicious of. I once lost ten
thousand dollars by nature. Nature embezzled that
amount from me; absconded with ten thousand dollars'
worth of my property; a plantation on this stream,
swept clean away by one of those sudden shiftings of
the banks in a freshet; ten thousand dollars' worth of
alluvion thrown broad off upon the waters.”

“But have you no confidence that by a reverse shifting
that soil will come back after many days?—ah, here
is my venerable friend,” observing the old miser, “not
in your berth yet? Pray, if you will keep afoot, don't
lean against that baluster; take my arm.”

It was taken; and the two stood together; the old
miser leaning against the herb-doctor with something of
that air of trustful fraternity with which, when standing,
the less strong of the Siamese twins habitually leans
against the other.

The Missourian eyed them in silence, which was
broken by the herb-doctor.

“You look surprised, sir. Is it because I publicly
take under my protection a figure like this? But I am
never ashamed of honesty, whatever his coat.”

“Look you,” said the Missourian, after a scrutinizing
pause, “you are a queer sort of chap. Don't know

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exactly what to make of you. Upon the whole though,
you somewhat remind me of the last boy I had on my
place.”

“Good, trustworthy boy, I hope?”

“Oh, very! I am now started to get me made some
kind of machine to do the sort of work which boys are
supposed to be fitted for.”

“Then you have passed a veto upon boys?”

“And men, too.”

“But, my dear sir, does not that again imply more or
less lack of confidence?—(Stand up a little, just a very
little, my venerable friend; you lean rather hard.)—No
confidence in boys, no confidence in men, no confidence
in nature. Pray, sir, who or what may you have confidence
in?”

“I have confidence in distrust; more particularly as
applied to you and your herbs.”

“Well,” with a forbearing smile, “that is frank. But
pray, don't forget that when you suspect my herbs you
suspect nature.”

“Didn't I say that before?”

“Very good. For the argument's sake I will suppose
you are in earnest. Now, can you, who suspect nature,
deny, that this same nature not only kindly brought you
into being, but has faithfully nursed you to your present
vigorous and independent condition? Is it not to nature
that you are indebted for that robustness of mind
which you so unhandsomely use to her scandal? Pray,
is it not to nature that you owe the very eyes by which
you criticise her?”

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“No! for the privilege of vision I am indebted to an
oculist, who in my tenth year operated upon me in Philadelphia.
Nature made me blind and would have kept
me so. My oculist counterplotted her.”

“And yet, sir, by your complexion, I judge you live
an out-of-door life; without knowing it, you are
partial to nature; you fly to nature, the universal
mother.”

“Very motherly! Sir, in the passion-fits of nature,
I've known birds fly from nature to me, rough as I look;
yes, sir, in a tempest, refuge here,” smiting the folds of
his bearskin. “Fact, sir, fact. Come, come, Mr. Palaverer,
for all your palavering, did you yourself never
shut out nature of a cold, wet night? Bar her out?
Bolt her out? Lint her out?”

“As to that,” said the herb-doctor calmly, “much
may be said.”

“Say it, then,” ruffling all his hairs. “You can't,
sir, can't.” Then, as in apostrophe: “Look you, nature!
I don't deny but your clover is sweet, and your
dandelions don't roar; but whose hailstones smashed
my windows?”

“Sir,” with unimpaired affability, producing one of
his boxes, “I am pained to meet with one who holds
nature a dangerous character. Though your manner is
refined your voice is rough; in short, you seem to have
a sore throat. In the calumniated name of nature, I
present you with this box; my venerable friend here
has a similar one; but to you, a free gift, sir. Through
her regularly-authorized agents, of whom I happen to

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be one, Nature delights in benefiting those who most
abuse her. Pray, take it.”

“Away with it! Don't hold it so near. Ten to one
there is a torpedo in it. Such things have been. Editors
been killed that way. Take it further off, I
say.”

“Good heavens! my dear sir—”

“I tell you I want none of your boxes,” snapping his
rifle.

“Oh, take it—ugh, ugh! do take it,” chimed in the
old miser; “I wish he would give me one for nothing.”

“You find it lonely, eh,” turning short round; “gulled
yourself, you would have a companion.”

“How can he find it lonely,” returned the herb-doctor,
“or how desire a companion, when here I stand by
him; I, even I, in whom he has trust. For the gulling,
tell me, is it humane to talk so to this poor old man?
Granting that his dependence on my medicine is vain,
is it kind to deprive him of what, in mere imagination,
if nothing more, may help eke out, with hope, his
disease? For you, if you have no confidence, and,
thanks to your native health, can get along without it,
so far, at least, as trusting in my medicine goes; yet,
how cruel an argument to use, with this afflicted one
here. Is it not for all the world as if some brawny
pugilist, aglow in December, should rush in and put
out a hospital-fire, because, forsooth, he feeling no need
of artificial heat, the shivering patients shall have none?
Put it to your conscience, sir, and you will admit, that,
whatever be the nature of this afflicted one's trust, you,

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in opposing it, evince either an erring head or a heart
amiss. Come, own, are you not pitiless?”

“Yes, poor soul,” said the Missourian, gravely eying
the old man—“yes, it is pitiless in one like me to
speak too honestly to one like you. You are a late
sitter-up in this life; past man's usual bed-time; and
truth, though with some it makes a wholesome breakfast,
proves to all a supper too hearty. Hearty food,
taken late, gives bad dreams.”

“What, in wonder's name—ugh, ugh!—is he talking
about?” asked the old miser, looking up to the herb-doctor.

“Heaven be praised for that!” cried the Missourian.

“Out of his mind, ain't he?” again appealed the old
miser.

“Pray, sir,” said the herb-doctor to the Missourian,
“for what were you giving thanks just now?”

“For this: that, with some minds, truth is, in effect,
not so cruel a thing after all, seeing that, like a loaded
pistol found by poor devils of savages, it raises
more wonder than terror—its peculiar virtue being unguessed,
unless, indeed, by indiscreet handling, it should
happen to go off of itself.”

“I pretend not to divine your meaning there,” said
the herb-doctor, after a pause, during which he eyed the
Missourian with a kind of pinched expression, mixed of
pain and curiosity, as if he grieved at his state of mind,
and, at the same time, wondered what had brought him
to it, “but this much I know,” he added, “that the
general cast of your thoughts is, to say the least,

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unfortunate. There is strength in them, but a strength,
whose source, being physical, must wither. You will
yet recant.”

“Recant?”

“Yes, when, as with this old man, your evil days of
decay come on, when a hoary captive in your chamber,
then will you, something like the dungeoned Italian we
read of, gladly seek the breast of that confidence begot in
the tender time of your youth, blessed beyond telling
if it return to you in age.”

“Go back to nurse again, eh? Second childhood,
indeed. You are soft.”

“Mercy, mercy!” cried the old miser, “what is all
this!—ugh, ugh! Do talk sense, my good friends.
Ain't you,” to the Missourian, “going to buy some of
that medicine?”

“Pray, my venerable friend,” said the herb-doctor,
now trying to straighten himself, “don't lean quite so
hard; my arm grows numb; abate a little, just a very
little.”

“Go,” said the Missourian, “go lay down in your
grave, old man, if you can't stand of yourself. It's a
hard world for a leaner.”

“As to his grave,” said the herb-doctor, “that is far
enough off, so he but faithfully take my medicine.”

“Ugh, ugh, ugh!—He says true. No, I ain't—ugh!
a going to die yet—ugh, ugh, ugh! Many years to live
yet, ugh, ugh, ugh!”

“I approve your confidence,” said the herb-doctor;
“but your coughing distresses me, besides being

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injurious to you. Pray, let me conduct you to your
berth. You are best there. Our friend here will wait
till my return, I know.”

With which he led the old miser away, and then,
coming back, the talk with the Missourian was
resumed.

“Sir,” said the herb-doctor, with some dignity and
more feeling, “now that our infirm friend is withdrawn,
allow me, to the full, to express my concern at the
words you allowed to escape you in his hearing. Some
of those words, if I err not, besides being calculated to
beget deplorable distrust in the patient, seemed fitted to
convey unpleasant imputations against me, his physician.”

“Suppose they did?” with a menacing air.

“Why, then—then, indeed,” respectfully retreating,
“I fall back upon my previous theory of your general
facetiousness. I have the fortune to be in company with
a humorist—a wag.”

“Fall back you had better, and wag it is,” cried the
Missourian, following him up, and wagging his raccoon
tail almost into the herb-doctor's face, “look you!”

“At what?”

“At this coon. Can you, the fox, catch him?”

“If you mean,” returned the other, not unselfpossessed,
“whether I flatter myself that I can in any way
dupe you, or impose upon you, or pass myself off upon
you for what I am not, I, as an honest man, answer that
I have neither the inclination nor the power to do aught
of the kind.”

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“Honest man? Seems to me you talk more like a
craven.”

“You in vain seek to pick a quarrel with me, or put
any affront upon me. The innocence in me heals me.”

“A healing like your own nostrums. But you are a
queer man—a very queer and dubious man; upon the
whole, about the most so I ever met.”

The scrutiny accompanying this seemed unwelcome
to the diffidence of the herb-doctor. As if at once to
attest the absence of resentment, as well as to change
the subject, he threw a kind of familiar cordiality into
his air, and said: “So you are going to get some machine
made to do your work? Philanthropic scruples,
doubtless, forbid your going as far as New Orleans for
slaves?”

“Slaves?” morose again in a twinkling, “won't have
'em! Bad enough to see whites ducking and grinning
round for a favor, without having those poor devils of
niggers congeeing round for their corn. Though, to me,
the niggers are the freer of the two. You are an abolitionist,
ain't you?” he added, squaring himself with
both hands on his rifle, used for a staff, and gazing in
the herb-doctor's face with no more reverence than if it
were a target. “You are an abolitionist, ain't you?”

“As to that, I cannot so readily answer. If by abolitionist
you mean a zealot, I am none; but if you mean
a man, who, being a man, feels for all men, slaves included,
and by any lawful act, opposed to nobody's
interest, and therefore, rousing nobody's enmity, would
willingly abolish suffering (supposing it, in its degree,

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to exist) from among mankind, irrespective of color,
then am I what you say.”

“Picked and prudent sentiments. You are the moderate
man, the invaluable understrapper of the wicked
man. You, the moderate man, may be used for wrong,
but are useless for right.”

“From all this,” said the herb-doctor, still forgivingly,
“I infer, that you, a Missourian, though living in a slave-state,
are without slave sentiments.”

“Aye, but are you? Is not that air of yours, so
spiritlessly enduring and yielding, the very air of a
slave? Who is your master, pray; or are you owned by
a company?”

My master?”

“Aye, for come from Maine or Georgia, you come
from a slave-state, and a slave-pen, where the best
breeds are to be bought up at any price from a livelihood
to the Presidency. Abolitionism, ye gods, but
expresses the fellow-feeling of slave for slave.”

“The back-woods would seem to have given you
rather eccentric notions,” now with polite superiority
smiled the herb-doctor, still with manly intrepidity forbearing
each unmanly thrust, “but to return; since,
for your purpose, you will have neither man nor boy,
bond nor free, truly, then some sort of machine for you
is all there is left. My desires for your success attend
you, sir.—Ah!” glancing shoreward, “here is Cape Giradeau;
I must leave you.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXII. IN THE POLITE SPIRIT OF THE TUSCULAN DISPUTATIONS.

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—“`Philosophical Intelligence Office'—novel
idea! But how did you come to dream that I wanted
anything in your absurd line, eh?”

About twenty minutes after leaving Cape Giradeau,
the above was growled out over his shoulder by the Missourian
to a chance stranger who had just accosted
him; a round-backed, baker-kneed man, in a mean five-dollar
suit, wearing, collar-wise by a chain, a small brass
plate, inscribed P. I. O., and who, with a sort of canine
deprecation, slunk obliquely behind.

“How did you come to dream that I wanted anything
in your line, eh?”

“Oh, respected sir,” whined the other, crouching a
pace nearer, and, in his obsequiousness, seeming to wag
his very coat-tails behind him, shabby though they were,
“oh, sir, from long experience, one glance tells me the
gentleman who is in need of our humble services.”

“But suppose I did want a boy—what they jocosely
call a good boy—how could your absurd office help me?—
Philosophical Intelligence Office?”

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“Yes, respected sir, an office founded on strictly philosophical
and physio—”

“Look you—come up here—how, by philosophy or
physiology either, make good boys to order? Come up
here. Don't give me a crick in the neck. Come up
here, come, sir, come,” calling as if to his pointer.
“Tell me, how put the requisite assortment of good
qualities into a boy, as the assorted mince into the
pie?”

“Respected sir, our office—”

“You talk much of that office. Where is it? On
board this boat?”

“Oh no, sir, I just came aboard. Our office—”

“Came aboard at that last landing, eh? Pray, do
you know a herb-doctor there? Smooth scamp in a
snuff-colored surtout?”

“Oh, sir, I was but a sojourner at Cape Giradeau.
Though, now that you mention a snuff-colored surtout, I
think I met such a man as you speak of stepping ashore
as I stepped aboard, and 'pears to me I have seen him
somewhere before. Looks like a very mild Christian
sort of person, I should say. Do you know him, respected
sir?”

“Not much, but better than you seem to. Proceed
with your business.”

With a low, shabby bow, as grateful for the permission,
the other began: “Our office—”

“Look you,” broke in the bachelor with ire, “have
you the spinal complaint? What are you ducking and
groveling about? Keep still. Where's your office?”

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“The branch one which I represent, is at Alton, sir,
in the free state we now pass,” (pointing somewhat
proudly ashore).

“Free, eh? You a freeman, you flatter yourself?
With those coat-tails and that spinal complaint of servility?
Free? Just cast up in your private mind who
is your master, will you?”

“Oh, oh, oh! I don't understand—indeed—indeed.
But, respected sir, as before said, our office, founded on
principles wholly new—”

“To the devil with your principles! Bad sign when
a man begins to talk of his principles. Hold, come
back, sir; back here, back, sir, back! I tell you no
more boys for me. Nay, I'm a Mede and Persian. In
my old home in the woods I'm pestered enough with
squirrels, weasels, chipmunks, skunks. I want no more
wild vermin to spoil my temper and waste my substance.
Don't talk of boys; enough of your boys; a
plague of your boys; chilblains on your boys! As for
Intelligence Offices, I've lived in the East, and know
'em. Swindling concerns kept by low-born cynics, under
a fawning exterior wreaking their cynic malice upon
mankind. You are a fair specimen of 'em.”

“Oh dear, dear, dear!”

“Dear? Yes, a thrice dear purchase one of your
boys would be to me. A rot on your boys!”

“But, respected sir, if you will not have boys, might
we not, in our small way, accommodate you with a
man?”

“Accommodate? Pray, no doubt you could

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accommodate me with a bosom-friend too, couldn't you?
Accommodate! Obliging word accommodate: there's
accommodation notes now, where one accommodates
another with a loan, and if he don't pay it pretty quickly,
acommodates him with a chain to his foot. Accommodate!
God forbid that I should ever be accommodated.
No, no. Look you, as I told that cousin-german of
yours, the herb-doctor, I'm now on the road to get me
made some sort of machine to do my work. Machines for
me. My cider-mill—does that ever steal my cider? My
mowing-machine—does that ever lay a-bed mornings?
My corn-husker—does that ever give me insolence?
No: cider-mill, mowing-machine, corn-husker—all faithfully
attend to their business. Disinterested, too; no
board, no wages; yet doing good all their lives long;
shining examples that virtue is its own reward—the only
practical Christians I know.”

“Oh dear, dear, dear, dear!”

“Yes, sir:—boys? Start my soul-bolts, what a difference,
in a moral point of view, between a corn-husker
and a boy! Sir, a corn-husker, for its patient continuance
in well-doing, might not unfitly go to heaven. Do
you suppose a boy will?”

“A corn-husker in heaven! (turning up the whites
of his eyes). Respected sir, this way of talking as if
heaven were a kind of Washington patent-office museum—
oh, oh, oh!—as if mere machine-work and puppet-work
went to heaven—oh, oh, oh! Things incapable
of free agency, to receive the eternal reward of well-doing—
oh, oh, oh!”

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“You Praise-God-Barebones you, what are you groaning
about? Did I say anything of that sort? Seems to
me, though you talk so good, you are mighty quick at a
hint the other way, or else you want to pick a polemic
quarrel with me.”

“It may be so or not, respected sir,” was now the demure
reply; “but if it be, it is only because as a soldier
out of honor is quick in taking affront, so a Christian
out of religion is quick, sometimes perhaps a little too
much so, in spying heresy.”

“Well,” after an astonished pause, “for an unaccountable
pair, you and the herb-doctor ought to yoke
together.”

So saying, the bachelor was eying him rather sharply,
when he with the brass plate recalled him to the discussion
by a hint, not unflattering, that he (the man with
the brass plate) was all anxiety to hear him further on
the subject of servants.

“About that matter,” exclaimed the impulsive bachelor,
going off at the hint like a rocket, “all thinking
minds are, now-a-days, coming to the conclusion—one
derived from an immense hereditary experience—see
what Horace and others of the ancients say of servants—
coming to the conclusion, I say, that boy or man, the
human animal is, for most work-purposes, a losing animal.
Can't be trusted; less trustworthy than oxen;
for conscientiousness a turn-spit dog excels him. Hence
these thousand new inventions—carding machines, horseshoe
machines, tunnel-boring machines, reaping machines,
apple-paring machines, boot-blacking machines,

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sewing machines, shaving machines, run-of-errand machines,
dumb-waiter machines, and the Lord-only-knows-what
machines; all of which announce the era when
that refractory animal, the working or serving man,
shall be a buried by-gone, a superseded fossil. Shortly
prior to which glorious time, I doubt not that a price
will be put upon their peltries as upon the knavish
`possums,' especially the boys. Yes, sir (ringing his
rifle down on the deck), I rejoice to think that the
day is at hand, when, prompted to it by law, I shall
shoulder this gun and go out a boy-shooting.”

“Oh, now! Lord, Lord, Lord!—But our office, respected
sir, conducted as I ventured to observe—”

“No, sir,” bristlingly settling his stubble chin in his
coon-skins. “Don't try to oil me; the herb-doctor
tried that. My experience, carried now through a course—
worse than salivation—a course of five and thirty
boys, proves to me that boyhood is a natural state of
rascality.”

“Save us, save us!”

“Yes, sir, yes. My name is Pitch; I stick to what I
say. I speak from fifteen years' experience; five and
thirty boys; American, Irish, English, German, African,
Mulatto; not to speak of that China boy sent me by
one who well knew my perplexities, from California;
and that Lascar boy from Bombay. Thug! I found
him sucking the embryo life from my spring eggs. All
rascals, sir, every soul of them; Caucasian or Mongol.
Amazing the endless variety of rascality in human nature
of the juvenile sort. I remember that, having

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discharged, one after another, twenty-nine boys—each, too,
for some wholly unforeseen species of viciousness peculiar
to that one peculiar boy—I remember saying to myself:
Now, then, surely, I have got to the end of the list,
wholly exhausted it; I have only now to get me a boy,
any boy different from those twenty-nine preceding
boys, and he infallibly shall be that virtuous boy I have
so long been seeking. But, bless me! this thirtieth boy—
by the way, having at the time long forsworn your intelligence
offices, I had him sent to me from the Commissioners
of Emigration, all the way from New York,
culled out carefully, in fine, at my particular request,
from a standing army of eight hundred boys, the
flowers of all nations, so they wrote me, temporarily in
barracks on an East River island—I say, this thirtieth
boy was in person not ungraceful; his deceased mother
a lady's maid, or something of that sort; and
in manner, why, in a plebeian way, a perfect Chesterfield;
very intelligent, too—quick as a flash. But,
such suavity! `Please sir! please sir!' always bowing
and saying, `Please sir.' In the strangest way, too, combining
a filial affection with a menial respect. Took
such warm, singular interest in my affairs. Wanted to
be considered one of the family—sort of adopted son of
mine, I suppose. Of a morning, when I would go out
to my stable, with what childlike good nature he would
trot out my nag, `Please sir, I think he's getting fatter
and fatter.' `But, he don't look very clean, does
he?' unwilling to be downright harsh with so affectionate
a lad; `and he seems a little hollow inside the

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haunch there, don't he? or no, perhaps I don't see plain
this morning.' `Oh, please sir, it's just there I think
he's gaining so, please.' Polite scamp! I soon found
he never gave that wretched nag his oats of nights;
didn't bed him either. Was above that sort of chambermaid
work. No end to his willful neglects. But the
more he abused my service, the more polite he grew.”

“Oh, sir, some way you mistook him.”

“Not a bit of it. Besides, sir, he was a boy who under
a Chesterfieldian exterior hid strong destructive propensities.
He cut up my horse-blanket for the bits of
leather, for hinges to his chest. Denied it point-blank.
After he was gone, found the shreds under his mattress.
Would slyly break his hoe-handle, too, on purpose to
get rid of hoeing. Then be so gracefully penitent for
his fatal excess of industrious strength. Offer to mend
all by taking a nice stroll to the nighest settlement—
cherry-trees in full bearing all the way—to get the broken
thing cobbled. Very politely stole my pears, odd
pennies, shillings, dollars, and nuts; regular squirrel at
it. But I could prove nothing. Expressed to him my
suspicions. Said I, moderately enough, `A little less
politeness, and a little more honesty would suit me better.
' He fired up; threatened to sue for libel. I won't
say anything about his afterwards, in Ohio, being found
in the act of gracefully putting a bar across a rail-road
track, for the reason that a stoker called him the rogue
that he was. But enough: polite boys or saucy boys,
white boys or black boys, smart boys or lazy boys,
Caucasian boys or Mongol boys—all are rascals.”

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“Shocking, shocking!” nervously tucking his frayed
cravat-end out of sight. “Surely, respected sir, you labor
under a deplorable hallucination. Why, pardon again,
you seem to have not the slightest confidence in boys. I
admit, indeed, that boys, some of them at least, are but
too prone to one little foolish foible or other. But, what
then, respected sir, when, by natural laws, they finally
outgrow such things, and wholly?”

Having until now vented himself mostly in plaintive
dissent of canine whines and groans, the man with the
brass-plate seemed beginning to summon courage to a
less timid encounter. But, upon his maiden essay, was
not very encouragingly handled, since the dialogue immediately
continued as follows:

“Boys outgrow what is amiss in them? From bad
boys spring good men? Sir, `the child is father of the
man;' hence, as all boys are rascals, so are all men.
But, God bless me, you must know these things better
than I; keeping an intelligence office as you do; a business
which must furnish peculiar facilities for studying
mankind. Come, come up here, sir; confess you know
these things pretty well, after all. Do you not know
that all men are rascals, and all boys, too?”

“Sir,” replied the other, spite of his shocked feelings
seeming to pluck up some spirit, but not to an indiscreet
degree, “Sir, heaven be praised, I am far, very far from
knowing what you say. True,” he thoughtfully continued,
“with my associates, I keep an intelligence
office, and for ten years, come October, have, one way
or other, been concerned in that line; for no small

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period in the great city of Cincinnati, too; and though, as
you hint, within that long interval, I must have had
more or less favorable opportunity for studying mankind—
in a business way, scanning not only the faces,
but ransacking the lives of several thousands of human
beings, male and female, of various nations, both employers
and employed, genteel and ungenteel, educated
and uneducated; yet—of course, I candidly admit, with
some random exceptions, I have, so far as my small observation
goes, found that mankind thus domestically
viewed, confidentially viewed, I may say; they, upon the
whole—making some reasonable allowances for human
imperfection—present as pure a moral spectacle as the
purest angel could wish. I say it, respected sir, with
confidence.”

“Gammon! You don't mean what you say. Else
you are like a landsman at sea: don't know the ropes,
the very things everlastingly pulled before your eyes.
Serpent-like, they glide about, traveling blocks too
subtle for you. In short, the entire ship is a riddle.
Why, you green ones wouldn't know if she were unseaworthy;
but still, with thumbs stuck back into your
arm-holes, pace the rotten planks, singing, like a fool,
words put into your green mouth by the cunning owner,
the man who, heavily insuring it, sends his ship to be
wrecked—

`A wet sheet and a flowing sea!'—

and, sir, now that it occurs to me, your talk, the
whole of it, is but a wet sheet and a flowing sea, and

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an idle wind that follows fast, offering a striking contrast
to my own discourse.”

“Sir,” exclaimed the man with the brass-plate, his
patience now more or less tasked, “permit me with
deference to hint that some of your remarks are injudiciously
worded. And thus we say to our patrons, when
they enter our office full of abuse of us because of some
worthy boy we may have sent them—some boy wholly
misjudged for the time. Yes, sir, permit me to remark
that you do not sufficiently consider that, though a small
man, I may have my small share of feelings.”

“Well, well, I didn't mean to wound your feelings at
all. And that they are small, very small, I take your
word for it. Sorry, sorry. But truth is like a thrashing-machine;
tender sensibilities must keep out of the
way. Hope you understand me. Don't want to hurt
you. All I say is, what I said in the first place, only
now I swear it, that all boys are rascals.”

“Sir,” lowly replied the other, still forbearing like an
old lawyer badgered in court, or else like a good-hearted
simpleton, the butt of mischievous wags, “Sir, since
you come back to the point, will you allow me, in my
small, quiet way, to submit to you certain small, quiet
views of the subject in hand?”

“Oh, yes!” with insulting indifference, rubbing his
chin and looking the other way. “Oh, yes; go on.”

“Well, then, respected sir,” continued the other, now
assuming as genteel an attitude as the irritating set of
his pinched five-dollar suit would permit; “well, then,
sir, the peculiar principles, the strictly philosophical

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principles, I may say,” guardedly rising in dignity, as
he guardedly rose on his toes, “upon which our office is
founded, has led me and my associates, in our small,
quiet way, to a careful analytical study of man, conducted,
too, on a quiet theory, and with an unobtrusive
aim wholly our own. That theory I will not now at
large set forth. But some of the discoveries resulting
from it, I will, by your permission, very briefly mention;
such of them, I mean, as refer to the state of boyhood
scientifically viewed.”

“Then you have studied the thing? expressly studied
boys, eh? Why didn't you out with that before?”

“Sir, in my small business way, I have not conversed
with so many masters, gentlemen masters, for nothing.
I have been taught that in this world there is a precedence
of opinions as well as of persons. You have
kindly given me your views, I am now, with modesty,
about to give you mine.”

“Stop flunkying—go on.”

“In the first place, sir, our theory teaches us to proceed
by analogy from the physical to the moral. Are
we right there, sir? Now, sir, take a young boy, a
young male infant rather, a man-child in short—what
sir, I respectfully ask, do you in the first place remark?”

“A rascal, sir! present and prospective, a rascal!”

“Sir, if passion is to invade, surely science must
evacuate. May I proceed? Well, then, what, in the
first place, in a general view, do you remark, respected
sir, in that male baby or man-child?”

The bachelor privily growled, but this time, upon the

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whole, better governed himself than before, though not,
indeed, to the degree of thinking it prudent to risk an
articulate response.

“What do you remark? I respectfully repeat.”
But, as no answer came, only the low, half-suppressed
growl, as of Bruin in a hollow trunk, the questioner continued:
“Well, sir, if you will permitme, in my small way,
to speak for you, you remark, respected sir, an incipient
creation; loose sort of sketchy thing; a little preliminary
rag-paper study, or careless cartoon, so to speak, of a
man. The idea, you see, respected sir, is there; but, as
yet, wants filling out. In a word, respected sir, the
man-child is at present but little, every way; I don't
pretend to deny it; but, then, he promises well, does he
not? Yes, promises very well indeed, I may say. (So,
too, we say to our patrons in reference to some noble
little youngster objected to for being a dwarf.) But, to
advance one step further,” extending his thread-bare leg,
as he drew a pace nearer, “we must now drop the
figure of the rag-paper cartoon, and borrow one—to use
presently, when wanted—from the horticultural kingdom.
Some bud, lily-bud, if you please. Now, such
points as the new-born man-child has—as yet not all
that could be desired, I am free to confess—still, such
as they are, there they are, and palpable as those of an
adult. But we stop not here,” taking another step.
“The man-child not only possesses these present points,
small though they are, but, likewise—now our horticultural
image comes into play—like the bud of the lily,
he contains concealed rudiments of others; that is,

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points at present invisible, with beauties at present
dormant.”

“Come, come, this talk is getting too horticultural
and beautiful altogether. Cut it short, cut it short!”

“Respected sir,” with a rustily martial sort of gesture,
like a decayed corporal's, “when deploying into the
field of discourse the vanguard of an important argument,
much more in evolving the grand central forces
of a new philosophy of boys, as I may say, surely you
will kindly allow scope adequate to the movement in
hand, small and humble in its way as that movement
may be. Is it worth my while to go on, respected
sir?”

“Yes, stop flunkying and go on.”

Thus encouraged, again the philosopher with the brass-plate
proceeded:

“Supposing, sir, that worthy gentleman (in such
terms, to an applicant for service, we allude to some
patron we chance to have in our eye), supposing, respected
sir, that worthy gentleman, Adam, to have been
dropped overnight in Eden, as a calf in the pasture;
supposing that, sir—then how could even the learned
serpent himself have foreknown that such a downychinned
little innocent would eventually rival the goat
in a beard? Sir, wise as the serpent was, that eventuality
would have been entirely hidden from his wisdom.”

“I don't know about that. The devil is very sagacious.
To judge by the event, he appears to have
understood man better even than the Being who made
him.”

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“For God's sake, don't say that, sir! To the point.
Can it now with fairness be denied that, in his beard, the
man-child prospectively possesses an appendix, not less
imposing than patriarchal; and for this goodly beard,
should we not by generous anticipation give the man-child,
even in his cradle, credit? Should we not now,
sir? respectfully I put it.”

“Yes, if like pig-weed he mows it down soon as it
shoots,” porcinely rubbing his stubble-chin against his
coon-skins.

“I have hinted at the analogy,” continued the other,
calmly disregardful of the digression; “now to apply it.
Suppose a boy evince no noble quality. Then generously
give him credit for his prospective one. Don't you
see? So we say to our patrons when they would fain
return a boy upon us as unworthy: `Madam, or sir,
(as the case may be) has this boy a beard?' `No.'
`Has he, we respectfully ask, as yet, evinced any noble
quality?' `No, indeed.' `Then, madam, or sir, take him
back, we humbly beseech; and keep him till that same
noble quality sprouts; for, have confidence, it, like the
beard, is in him.'”

“Very fine theory,” scornfully exclaimed the bachelor,
yet in secret, perhaps, not entirely undisturbed by
these strange new views of the matter; “but what trust
is to be placed in it?”

“The trust of perfect confidence, sir. To proceed.
Once more, if you please, regard the man-child.”

“Hold!” paw-like thrusting out his bearskin arm,
“don't intrude that man-child upon me too often. He

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who loves not bread, dotes not on dough. As little of
your man-child as your logical arrangements will
admit.”

“Anew regard the man-child,” with inspired intrepidity
repeated he with the brass-plate, “in the perspective
of his developments, I mean. At first the man-child
has no teeth, but about the sixth month—am I right,
sir?”

“Don't know anything about it.”

“To proceed then: though at first deficient in teeth,
about the sixth month the man-child begins to put forth
in that particular. And sweet those tender little puttings-forth
are.”

“Very, but blown out of his mouth directly, worthless
enough.”

“Admitted. And, therefore, we say to our patrons returning
with a boy alleged not only to be deficient in
goodness, but redundant in ill: `The lad, madam or sir,
evinces very corrupt qualities, does he?' `No end to
them.' `But, have confidence, there will be; for pray,
madam, in this lad's early childhood, were not those
frail first teeth, then his, followed by his present sound,
even, beautiful and permanent set. And the more objectionable
those first teeth became, was not that, madam,
we respectfully submit, so much the more reason
to look for their speedy substitution by the present
sound, even, beautiful and permanent ones.' `True,
true, can't deny that.' `Then, madam, take him back,
we respectfully beg, and wait till, in the now swift
course of nature, dropping those transient moral

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blemishes you complain of, he replacingly buds forth in the
sound, even, beautiful and permanent virtues.'”

“Very philosophical again,” was the contemptuous
reply—the outward contempt, perhaps, proportioned to
the inward misgiving. “Vastly philosophical, indeed, but
tell me—to continue your analogy—since the second
teeth followed—in fact, came from—the first, is there
no chance the blemish may be transmitted?”

“Not at all.” Abating in humility as he gained in
the argument. “The second teeth follow, but do not
come from, the first; successors, not sons. The first
teeth are not like the germ blossom of the apple, at
once the father of, and incorporated into, the growth it
foreruns; but they are thrust from their place by the
independent undergrowth of the succeeding set—an
illustration, by the way, which shows more for me than
I meant, though not more than I wish.”

“What does it show?” Surly-looking as a thundercloud
with the inkept unrest of unacknowledged conviction.

“It shows this, respected sir, that in the case of any
boy, especially an ill one, to apply unconditionally the
saying, that the `child is father of the man', is, besides
implying an uncharitable aspersion of the race, affirming
a thing very wide of—”

“—Your analogy,” like a snapping turtle.

“Yes, respected sir.”

“But is analogy argument? You are a punster.”

“Punster, respected sir?” with a look of being aggrieved.

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“Yes, you pun with ideas as another man may with
words.”

“Oh well, sir, whoever talks in that strain, whoever
has no confidence in human reason, whoever despises
human reason, in vain to reason with him. Still, respected
sir,” altering his air, “permit me to hint that,
had not the force of analogy moved you somewhat, you
would hardly have offered to contemn it.”

“Talk away,” disdainfully; “but pray tell me what
has that last analogy of yours to do with your intelligence
office business?”

“Everything to do with it, respected sir. From that
analogy we derive the reply made to such a patron as,
shortly after being supplied by us with an adult servant,
proposes to return him upon our hands; not that, while
with the patron, said adult has given any cause of dissatisfaction,
but the patron has just chanced to hear
something unfavorable concerning him from some
gentleman who employed said adult long before, while
a boy. To which too fastidious patron, we, taking said
adult by the hand, and graciously reintroducing him to
the patron, say: `Far be it from you, madam, or sir,
to proceed in your censure against this adult, in anything
of the spirit of an ex-post-facto law. Madam, or
sir, would you visit upon the butterfly the sins of the
caterpillar? In the natural advance of all creatures, do
they not bury themselves over and over again in the
endless resurrection of better and better? Madam, or sir,
take back this adult; he may have been a caterpillar,
but is now a butterfly.”

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“Pun away; but even accepting your analogical pun,
what does it amount to? Was the caterpillar one creature,
and is the butterfly another? The butterfly is the
caterpillar in a gaudy cloak; stripped of which, there
lies the impostor's long spindle of a body, pretty much
worm-shaped as before.”

“You reject the analogy. To the facts then. You
deny that a youth of one character can be transformed
into a man of an opposite character. Now then—yes,
I have it. There's the founder of La Trappe, and Ignatius
Loyola; in boyhood, and someway into manhood,
both devil-may-care bloods, and yet, in the end, the
wonders of the world for anchoritish self-command.
These two examples, by-the-way, we cite to such patrons
as would hastily return rakish young waiters upon
us. `Madam, or sir—patience; patience,' we say; `good
madam, or sir, would you discharge forth your cask of
good wine, because, while working, it riles more or less?
Then discharge not forth this young waiter; the good in
him is working.' `But he is a sad rake.' `Therein is
his promise; the rake being crude material for the
saint.'”

“Ah, you are a talking man—what I call a wordy
man. You talk, talk.”

“And with submission, sir, what is the greatest judge,
bishop or prophet, but a talking man? He talks, talks.
It is the peculiar vocation of a teacher to talk. What's
wisdom itself but table-talk? The best wisdom in this
world, and the last spoken by its teacher, did it not
literally and truly come in the form of table-talk?”

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“You, you you!” rattling down his rifle.

“To shift the subject, since we cannot agree. Pray,
what is your opinion, respected sir, of St. Augustine?”

“St. Augustine? What should I, or you either, know
of him? Seems to me, for one in such a business, to say
nothing of such a coat, that though you don't know a
great deal, indeed, yet you know a good deal more than
you ought to know, or than you have a right to know,
or than it is safe or expedient for you to know, or
than, in the fair course of life, you could have honestly
come to know. I am of opinion you should be served
like a Jew in the middle ages with his gold; this knowledge
of yours, which you haven't enough knowledge to
know how to make a right use of, it should be taken
from you. And so I have been thinking all along.”

“You are merry, sir. But you have a little looked
into St. Augustine I suppose.

“St. Augustine on Original Sin is my text book.
But you, I ask again, where do you find time or inclination
for these out-of-the-way speculations? In fact,
your whole talk, the more I think of it, is altogether unexampled
and extraordinary.”

“Respected sir, have I not already informed you that
the quite new method, the strictly philosophical one, on
which our office is founded, has led me and my associates
to an enlarged study of mankind. It was my fault,
if I did not, likewise, hint, that these studies directed
always to the scientific procuring of good servants of all
sorts, boys included, for the kind gentlemen, our patrons

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—that these studies, I say, have been conducted equally
among all books of all libraries, as among all men of all
nations. Then, you rather like St. Augustine, sir?”

“Excellent genius!”

“In some points he was; yet, how comes it that under
his own hand, St. Augustine confesses that, until his
thirtieth year, he was a very sad dog?”

“A saint a sad dog?”

“Not the saint, but the saint's irresponsible little
forerunner—the boy.”

“All boys are rascals, and so are all men,” again flying
off at his tangent; “my name is Pitch; I stick to
what I say.”

“Ah, sir, permit me—when I behold you on this mild
summer's eve, thus eccentrically clothed in the skins of
wild beasts, I cannot but conclude that the equally
grim and unsuitable habit of your mind is likewise but
an eccentric assumption, having no basis in your genuine
soul, no more than in nature herself.”

“Well, really, now—really,” fidgeted the bachelor,
not unaffected in his conscience by these benign personalities,
“really, really, now, I don't know but that I
may have been a little bit too hard upon those five and
thirty boys of mine.”

“Glad to find you a little softening, sir. Who knows
now, but that flexile gracefulness, however questionable
at the time of that thirtieth boy of yours, might have
been the silky husk of the most solid qualities of maturity.
It might have been with him as with the ear of the
Indian corn.”

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“Yes, yes, yes,” excitedly cried the bachelor, as the
light of this new illustration broke in, “yes, yes; and
now that I think of it, how often I've sadly watched my
Indian corn in May, wondering whether such sickly,
half-eaten sprouts, could ever thrive up into the stiff,
stately spear of August.”

“A most admirable reflection, sir, and you have only,
according to the analogical theory first started by our office,
to apply it to that thirtieth boy in question, and see
the result. Had you but kept that thirtieth boy—been
patient with his sickly virtues, cultivated them, hoed
round them, why what a glorious guerdon would have
been yours, when at last you should have had a St. Augustine
for an ostler.”

“Really, really—well, I am glad I didn't send him to
jail, as at first I intended.”

“Oh that would have been too bad. Grant he was
vicious. The petty vices of boys are like the innocent
kicks of colts, as yet imperfectly broken. Some boys
know not virtue only for the same reason they know
not French; it was never taught them. Established upon
the basis of parental charity, juvenile asylums exist by
law for the benefit of lads convicted of acts which, in
adults, would have received other requital. Why? Because,
do what they will, society, like our office, at bottom
has a Christian confidence in boys. And all this we
say to our patrons.”

“Your patrons, sir, seem your marines to whom you
may say anything,” said the other, relapsing. “Why
do knowing employers shun youths from asylums,

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though offered them at the smallest wages? I'll none
of your reformado boys.”

“Such a boy, respected sir, I would not get for you,
but a boy that never needed reform. Do not smile, for
as whooping-cough and measles are juvenile diseases,
and yet some juveniles never have them, so are there
boys equally free from juvenile vices. True, for the
best of boys' measles may be contagious, and evil communications
corrupt good manners; but a boy with a
sound mind in a sound body—such is the boy I would
get you. If hitherto, sir, you have struck upon a peculiarly
bad vein of boys, so much the more hope now of
your hitting a good one.”

“That sounds a kind of reasonable, as it were—a
little so, really. In fact, though you have said a great
many foolish things, very foolish and absurd things, yet,
upon the whole, your conversation has been such as
might almost lead one less distrustful than I to repose a
certain conditional confidence in you, I had almost added
in your office, also. Now, for the humor of it, supposing
that even I, I myself, really had this sort of conditional
confidence, though but a grain, what sort of a boy, in
sober fact, could you send me? And what would be
your fee?”

“Conducted,” replied the other somewhat loftily,
rising now in eloquence as his proselyte, for all his pretenses,
sunk in conviction, “conducted upon principles
involving care, learning, and labor, exceeding what is
usual in kindred institutions, the Philosophical Intelligence
Office is forced to charges somewhat higher than

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customary. Briefly, our fee is three dollars in advance.
As for the boy, by a lucky chance, I have a very promising
little fellow now in my eye—a very likely little
fellow, indeed.”

“Honest?”

“As the day is long. Might trust him with untold
millions. Such, at least, were the marginal observations
on the phrenological chart of his head, submitted to me
by the mother.”

“How old?”

“Just fifteen.”

“Tall? Stout?”

“Uncommonly so, for his age, his mother remarked.”

“Industrious?”

“The busy bee.”

The bachelor fell into a troubled reverie. At last,
with much hesitancy, he spoke:

“Do you think now, candidly, that—I say candidly—
candidly—could I have some small, limited—some
faint, conditional degree of confidence in that boy?
Candidly, now?”

“Candidly, you could.”

“A sound boy? A good boy?”

“Never knew one more so.”

The bachelor fell into another irresolute reverie;
then said: “Well, now, you have suggested some
rather new views of boys, and men, too. Upon those
views in the concrete I at present decline to determine.
Nevertheless, for the sake purely of a scientific experiment,
I will try that boy. I don't think him an angel,

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mind. No, no. But I'll try him. There are my three
dollars, and here is my address. Send him along this
day two weeks. Hold, you will be wanting the money
for his passage. There,” handing it somewhat reluctantly.

“Ah, thank you. I had forgotten his passage;” then,
altering in manner, and gravely holding the bills, continued:
“Respected sir, never willingly do I handle
money not with perfect willingness, nay, with a certain
alacrity, paid. Either tell me that you have a perfect
and unquestioning confidence in me (never mind the boy
now) or permit me respectfully to return these bills.”

“Put 'em up, put 'em up!”

“Thank you. Confidence is the indispensable basis
of all sorts of business transactions. Without it, commerce
between man and man, as between country and
country, would, like a watch, run down and stop. And
now, supposing that against present expectation the lad
should, after all, evince some little undesirable trait, do
not, respected sir, rashly dismiss him. Have but patience,
have but confidence. Those transient vices will,
ere long, fall out, and be replaced by the sound, firm,
even and permanent virtues. Ah,” glancing shoreward,
towards a grotesquely-shaped bluff, “there's the Devil's
Joke, as they call it; the bell for landing will shortly
ring. I must go look up the cook I brought for the innkeeper
at Cairo.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH THE POWERFUL EFFECT OF NATURAL SCENERY IS EVINCED IN THE CASE OF THE MISSOURIAN, WHO, IN VIEW OF THE REGION ROUNDABOUT CAIRO, HAS A RETURN OF HIS CHILLY FIT.

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At Cairo, the old established firm of Fever & Ague is
still settling up its unfinished business; that Creole
grave-digger, Yellow Jack—his hand at the mattock and
spade has not lost its cunning; while Don Saturninus
Typhus taking his constitutional with Death, Calvin Edson
and three undertakers, in the morass, snuffs up the
mephitic breeze with zest.

In the dank twilight, fanned with mosquitoes, and
sparkling with fire-flies, the boat now lies before Cairo.
She has landed certain passengers, and tarries for the
coming of expected ones. Leaning over the rail on the
inshore side, the Missourian eyes through the dubious
medium that swampy and squalid domain; and over it
audibly mumbles his cynical mind to himself, as Apemantus'
dog may have mumbled his bone. He bethinks
him that the man with the brass-plate was to land on
this villainous bank, and for that cause, if no other, begins
to suspect him. Like one beginning to rouse himself
from a dose of chloroform treacherously given, he

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half divines, too, that he, the philosopher, had unwittingly
been betrayed into being an unphilosophical dupe.
To what vicissitudes of light and shade is man subject!
He ponders the mystery of human subjectivity in general.
He thinks he perceives with Crossbones, his favorite
author, that, as one may wake up well in the morning,
very well, indeed, and brisk as a buck, I thank you, but
ere bed-time get under the weather, there is no telling
how—so one may wake up wise, and slow of assent,
very wise and very slow, I assure you, and for all that,
before night, by like trick in the atmosphere, be left in
the lurch a ninny. Health and wisdom equally precious,
and equally little as unfluctuating possessions to be relied
on.

But where was slipped in the entering wedge? Philosophy,
knowledge, experience—were those trusty knights
of the castle recreant? No, but unbeknown to them, the
enemy stole on the castle's south side, its genial one,
where Suspicion, the warder, parleyed. In fine, his too
indulgent, too artless and companionable nature betrayed
him. Admonished by which, he thinks he must be a
little splenetic in his intercourse henceforth.

He revolves the crafty process of sociable chat, by
which, as he fancies, the man with the brass-plate
wormed into him, and made such a fool of him as insensibly
to persuade him to waive, in his exceptional
case, that general law of distrust systematically applied
to the race. He revolves, but cannot comprehend, the
operation, still less the operator. Was the man a
trickster, it must be more for the love than the lucre.

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Two or three dirty dollars the motive to so many nice
wiles? And yet how full of mean needs his seeming.
Before his mental vision the person of that threadbare
Talleyrand, that impoverished Machiavelli, that seedy
Rosicrucian—for something of all these he vaguely deems
him—passes now in puzzled review. Fain, in his disfavor,
would he make out a logical case. The doctrine
of analogies recurs. Fallacious enough doctrine when
wielded against one's prejudices, but in corroboration of
cherished suspicions not without likelihood. Analogically,
he couples the slanting cut of the equivocator's
coat-tails with the sinister cast in his eye; he weighs
slyboot's sleek speech in the light imparted by the oblique
import of the smooth slope of his worn boot-heels;
the insinuator's undulating flunkyisms dovetail into
those of the flunky beast that windeth his way on his
belly.

From these uncordial reveries he is roused by a cordial
slap on the shoulder, accompanied by a spicy volume of
tobacco-smoke, out of which came a voice, sweet as a
seraph's:

“A penny for your thoughts, my fine fellow.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXIV. A PHILANTHROPIST UNDERTAKES TO CONVERT A MISANTHROPE, BUT DOES NOT GET BEYOND CONFUTING HIM.

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Hands off!” cried the bachelor, involuntarily covering
dejection with moroseness.

“Hands off? that sort of label won't do in our Fair.
Whoever in our Fair has fine feelings loves to feel the
nap of fine cloth, especially when a fine fellow wears
it.”

“And who of my fine-fellow species may you be?
From the Brazils, ain't you? Toucan fowl. Fine feathers
on foul meat.”

This ungentle mention of the toucan was not improbably
suggested by the parti-hued, and rather plumagy
aspect of the stranger, no bigot it would seem, but a
liberalist, in dress, and whose wardrobe, almost anywhere
than on the liberal Mississippi, used to all sorts of fantastic
informalities, might, even to observers less critical
than the bachelor, have looked, if anything, a little out
of the common; but not more so perhaps, than, considering
the bear and raccoon costume, the bachelor's
own appearance. In short, the stranger sported a vesture
barred with various hues, that of the cochineal

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predominating, in style participating of a Highland
plaid, Emir's robe, and French blouse; from its plaited
sort of front peeped glimpses of a flowered regatta-shirt,
while, for the rest, white trowsers of ample duck flowed
over maroon-colored slippers, and a jaunty smoking-cap
of regal purple crowned him off at top; king of traveled
good-fellows, evidently. Grotesque as all was, nothing
looked stiff or unused; all showed signs of easy service,
the least wonted thing setting like a wonted glove.
That genial hand, which had just been laid on the ungenial
shoulder, was now carelessly thrust down before
him, sailor-fashion, into a sort of Indian belt, confining
the redundant vesture; the other held, by its long bright
cherry-stem, a Nuremburgh pipe in blast, its great porcelain
bowl painted in miniature with linked crests and
arms of interlinked nations—a florid show. As by
subtle saturations of its mellowing essence the tobacco
had ripened the bowl, so it looked as if something similar
of the interior spirit came rosily out on the cheek. But
rosy pipe-bowl, or rosy countenance, all was lost on
that unrosy man, the bachelor, who, waiting a moment
till the commotion, caused by the boat's renewed progress,
had a little abated, thus continued:

“Hark ye,” jeeringly eying the cap and belt, “did
you ever see Signor Marzetti in the African pantomime?”

“No;—good performer?”

“Excellent; plays the intelligent ape till he seems it.
With such naturalness can a being endowed with an
immortal spirit enter into that of a monkey. But

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where's your tail? In the pantomime, Marzetti, no
hypocrite in his monkery, prides himself on that.”

The stranger, now at rest, sideways and genially, on
one hip, his right leg cavalierly crossed before the other,
the toe of his vertical slipper pointed easily down on the
deck, whiffed out a long, leisurely sort of indifferent and
charitable puff, betokening him more or less of the mature
man of the world, a character which, like its opposite,
the sincere Christian's, is not always swift to take
offense; and then, drawing near, still smoking, again
laid his hand, this time with mild impressiveness, on the
ursine shoulder, and not unamiably said: “That in your
address there is a sufficiency of the fortiter in re few unbiased
observers will question; but that this is duly
attempered with the suaviter in modo may admit, I think,
of an honest doubt. My dear fellow,” beaming his eyes
full upon him, “what injury have I done you, that
you should receive my greeting with a curtailed civility?”

“Off hands;” once more shaking the friendly member
from him. “Who in the name of the great chimpanzee,
in whose likeness, you, Marzetti, and the other chatterers
are made, who in thunder are you?”

“A cosmopolitan, a catholic man; who, being such,
ties himself to no narrow tailor or teacher, but federates,
in heart as in costume, something of the various gallantries
of men under various suns. Oh, one roams not
over the gallant globe in vain. Bred by it, is a fraternal
and fusing feeling. No man is a stranger. You accost
anybody. Warm and confiding, you wait not for

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measured advances. And though, indeed, mine, in this instance,
have met with no very hilarious encouragement,
yet the principle of a true citizen of the world is still to
return good for ill.—My dear fellow, tell me how I can
serve you.”

“By dispatching yourself, Mr. Popinjay-of-the-world,
into the heart of the Lunar Mountains. You are another
of them. Out of my sight!”

“Is the sight of humanity so very disagreeable to you
then? Ah, I may be foolish, but for my part, in all its
aspects, I love it. Served up à la Pole, or à la Moor, à la
Ladrone, or à la Yankee, that good dish, man, still delights
me; or rather is man a wine I never weary of
comparing and sipping; wherefore am I a pledged cosmopolitan,
a sort of London-Dock-Vault connoisseur,
going about from Teheran to Natchitoches, a taster of
races; in all his vintages, smacking my lips over this racy
creature, man, continually. But as there are teetotal
palates which have a distaste even for Amontillado, so I
suppose there may be teetotal souls which relish not
even the very best brands of humanity. Excuse me,
but it just occurs to me that you, my dear fellow, possibly
lead a solitary life.”

“Solitary?” starting as at a touch of divination.

“Yes: in a solitary life one insensibly contracts oddities,—
talking to one's self now.”

“Been eaves-dropping, eh?”

“Why, a soliloquist in a crowd can hardly but be
overheard, and without much reproach to the hearer.”

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“You are an eaves-dropper.”

“Well. Be it so.”

“Confess yourself an eaves-dropper?”

“I confess that when you were muttering here I, passing
by, caught a word or two, and, by like chance,
something previous of your chat with the Intelligence-office
man;—a rather sensible fellow, by the way;
much of my style of thinking; would, for his own sake,
he were of my style of dress. Grief to good minds, to
see a man of superior sense forced to hide his light
under the bushel of an inferior coat.—Well, from what
little I heard, I said to myself, Here now is one with the
unprofitable philosophy of disesteem for man. Which
disease, in the main, I have observed—excuse me—to
spring from a certain lowness, if not sourness, of spirits
inseparable from sequestration. Trust me, one had better
mix in, and do like others. Sad business, this holding
out against having a good time. Life is a pic-nic en
costume;
one must take a part, assume a character, stand
ready in a sensible way to play the fool. To come in
plain clothes, with a long face, as a wiseacre, only makes
one a discomfort to himself, and a blot upon the scene.
Like your jug of cold water among the wine-flasks, it
leaves you unelated among the elated ones. No, no.
This austerity won't do. Let me tell you too—en confiance
that while revelry may not always merge into
ebriety, soberness, in too deep potations, may become a
sort of sottishness. Which sober sottishness, in my
way of thinking, is only to be cured by beginning at the
other end of the horn, to tipple a little.”

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“Pray, what society of vintners and old topers are
you hired to lecture for?”

“I fear I did not give my meaning clearly. A little
story may help. The story of the worthy old woman
of Goshen, a very moral old woman, who wouldn't let
her shoats eat fattening apples in fall, for fear the fruit
might ferment upon their brains, and so make them
swinish. Now, during a green Christmas, inauspicious
to the old, this worthy old woman fell into a moping
decline, took to her bed, no appetite, and refused to
see her best friends. In much concern her good man
sent for the doctor, who, after seeing the patient and
putting a question or two, beckoned the husband out,
and said: `Deacon, do you want her cured? `Indeed I
do.' `Go directly, then, and buy a jug of Santa Cruz.'
`Santa Cruz? my wife drink Santa Cruz?' `Either that
or die.' `But how much?' `As much as she can get
down.' `But she'll get drunk!' `That's the cure.'
Wise men, like doctors, must be obeyed. Much against
the grain, the sober deacon got the unsober medicine,
and, equally against her conscience, the poor old woman
took it; but, by so doing, ere long recovered health and
spirits, famous appetite, and glad again to see her
friends; and having by this experience broken the ice of
arid abstinence, never afterwards kept herself a cup too
low.”

This story had the effect of surprising the bachelor
into interest, though hardly into approval.

“If I take your parable right,” said he, sinking no
little of his former churlishness, “the meaning is, that

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one cannot enjoy life with gusto unless he renounce
the too-sober view of life. But since the too-sober
view is, doubtless, nearer true than the too-drunken; I,
who rate truth, though cold water, above untruth, though
Tokay, will stick to my earthen jug.”

“I see,” slowly spirting upward a spiral staircase of
lazy smoke, “I see; you go in for the lofty.”

“How?”

“Oh, nothing! but if I wasn't afraid of prosing, I
might tell another story about an old boot in a pieman's
loft, contracting there between sun and oven an
unseemly, dry-seasoned curl and warp. You've seen such
leathery old garretteers, haven't you? Very high, sober,
solitary, philosophic, grand, old boots, indeed; but I, for
my part, would rather be the pieman's trodden slipper
on the ground. Talking of piemen, humble-pie before
proud-cake for me. This notion of being lone and lofty
is a sad mistake. Men I hold in this respect to be like
roosters; the one that betakes himself to a lone and
lofty perch is the hen-pecked one, or the one that has
the pip.”

“You are abusive!” cried the bachelor, evidently
touched.

“Who is abused? You, or the race? You won't
stand by and see the human race abused? Oh, then,
you have some respect for the human race.”

“I have some respect for myself,” with a lip not so
firm as before.

“And what race may you belong to? now don't you
see, my dear fellow, in what inconsistencies one involves

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himself by affecting disesteem for men. To a charm, my
little stratagem succeeded. Come, come, think better
of it, and, as a first step to a new mind, give up solitude.
I fear, by the way, you have at some time been reading
Zimmermann, that old Mr. Megrims of a Zimmermann,
whose book on Solitude is as vain as Hume's on Suicide,
as Bacon's on Knowledge; and, like these, will betray
him who seeks to steer soul and body by it, like a false
religion. All they, be they what boasted ones you
please, who, to the yearning of our kind after a founded
rule of content, offer aught not in the spirit of fellowly
gladness based on due confidence in what is above,
away with them for poor dupes, or still poorer impostors.”

His manner here was so earnest that scarcely any
auditor, perhaps, but would have been more or less
impressed by it, while, possibly, nervous opponents might
have a little quailed under it. Thinking within himself
a moment, the bachelor replied: “Had you experience,
you would know that your tippling theory, take it in
what sense you will, is poor as any other. And Rabelais's
pro-wine Koran no more trustworthy than Mahomet's
anti-wine one.”

“Enough,” for a finality knocking the ashes from his
pipe, “we talk and keep talking, and still stand where
we did. What do you say for a walk? My arm, and
let's a turn. They are to have dancing on the hurricanedeck
to-night. I shall fling them off a Scotch jig, while, to
save the pieces, you hold my loose change; and following
that, I propose that you, my dear fellow, stack your

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gun, and throw your bearskins in a sailor's hornpipe—I
holding your watch. What do you say?”

At this proposition the other was himself again, all
raccoon.

“Look you,” thumping down his rifle, “are you
Jeremy Diddler No. 3?”

“Jeremy Diddler? I have have heard of Jeremy the
prophet, and Jeremy Taylor the divine, but your other
Jeremy is a gentleman I am unacquainted with.”

“You are his confidential clerk, ain't you?”

Whose, pray? Not that I think myself unworthy of
being confided in, but I don't understand.”

“You are another of them. Somehow I meet with
the most extraordinary metaphysical scamps to-day.
Sort of visitation of them. And yet that herb-doctor
Diddler somehow takes off the raw edge of the Diddlers
that come after him.”

“Herb-doctor? who is he?”

“Like you—another of them.”

Who?” Then drawing near, as if for a good long
explanatory chat, his left hand spread, and his pipe-stem
coming crosswise down upon it like a ferule, “You
think amiss of me. Now to undeceive you, I will just
enter into a little argument and—”

“No you don't. No more little arguments for me.
Had too many little arguments to-day.”

“But put a case. Can you deny—I dare you to
deny—that the man leading a solitary life is peculiarly
exposed to the sorriest misconceptions touching strangers?”

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“Yes, I do deny it,” again, in his impulsiveness, snapping
at the controversial bait, “and I will confute
you there in a trice. Look, you—”

“Now, now, now, my dear fellow,” thrusting out
both vertical palms for double shields, “you crowd me
too hard. You don't give one a chance. Say what you
will, to shun a social proposition like mine, to shun
society in any way, evinces a churlish nature—cold, loveless;
as, to embrace it, shows one warm and friendly,
in fact, sunshiny.”

Here the other, all agog again, in his perverse way,
launched forth into the unkindest references to deaf old
worldlings keeping in the deafening world; and gouty
gluttons limping to their gouty gormandizings; and
corseted coquets clasping their corseted cavaliers in the
waltz, all for disinterested society's sake; and thousands,
bankrupt through lavishness, ruining themselves out of
pure love of the sweet company of man—no envies,
rivalries, or other unhandsome motive to it.

“Ah, now,” deprecating with his pipe, “irony is so
unjust; never could abide irony; something Satanic about
irony. God defend me from Irony, and Satire, his bosom
friend.”

“A right knave's prayer, and a right fool's, too,” snaping
his rifle-lock.

“Now be frank. Own that was a little gratuitous.
But, no, no, you didn't mean; it any way, I can make
allowances. Ah, did you but know it, how much pleasanter
to puff at this philanthropic pipe, than still to keep
fumbling at that misanthropic rifle. As for your

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worldlingg, lutton, and coquette, though, doubtless, being
such, they may have their little foibles—as who has
not?—yet not one of the three can be reproached with
that awful sin of shunning society; awful I call it, for
not seldom it presupposes a still darker thing than
itself—remorse.”

“Remorse drives man away from man? How came
your fellow-creature, Cain, after the first murder, to go
and build the first city? And why is it that the
modern Cain dreads nothing so much as solitary confinement?

“My dear fellow, you get excited. Say what you
will, I for one must have my fellow-creatures round me.
Thick, too—I must have them thick.”

“The pick-pocket, too, loves to have his fellow-creatures
round him. Tut, man! no one goes into the crowd
but for his end; and the end of too many is the same as
the pick-pocket's—a purse.”

“Now, my dear fellow, how can you have the conscience
to say that, when it is as much according to
natural law that men are social as sheep gregarious.
But grant that, in being social, each man has his end,
do you, upon the strength of that, do you yourself, I
say, mix with man, now, immediately, and be your
end a more genial philosophy. Come, let's take a
turn.”

Again he offered his fraternal arm; but the bachelor
once more flung it off, and, raising his rifle in energetic
invocation, cried: “Now the high-constable catch and
confound all knaves in towns and rats in grain-bins, and

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if in this boat, which is a human grain-bin for the time,
any sly, smooth, philandering rat be dodging now, pin
him, thou high rat-catcher, against this rail.”

“A noble burst! shows you at heart a trump. And
when a card's that, little matters it whether it be spade
or diamond. You are good wine that, to be still better,
only needs a shaking up. Come, let's agree that we'll
to New Orleans, and there embark for London—I staying
with my friends nigh Primrose-hill, and you putting
up at the Piazza, Covent Garden—Piazza, Covent Garden;
for tell me—since you will not be a disciple
to the full—tell me, was not that humor, of Diogenes,
which led him to live, a merry-andrew, in the flowermarket,
better than that of the less wise Athenian,
which made him a skulking scare-crow in pine-barrens?
An injudicious gentleman, Lord Timon.”

“Your hand!” seizing it.

“Bless me, how cordial a squeeze. It is agreed we
shall be brothers, then?”

“As much so as a brace of misanthropes can be,”
with another and terrific squeeze. “I had thought that
the moderns had degenerated beneath the capacity of
misanthropy. Rejoiced, though but in one instance,
and that disguised, to be undeceived.”

The other stared in blank amaze.

“Won't do. You are Diogenes, Diogenes in disguise.
I say—Diogenes masquerading as a cosmopolitan.”

With ruefully altered mien, the stranger still stood mute
awhile. At length, in a pained tone, spoke: “How hard
the lot of that pleader who, in his zeal conceding too

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much, is taken to belong to a side which he but labors,
however ineffectually, to convert!” Then with another
change of air: “To you, an Ishmael, disguising
in sportiveness my intent, I came ambassador from the
human race, charged with the assurance that for your
mislike they bore no answering grudge, but sought to
conciliate accord between you and them. Yet you take
me not for the honest envoy, but I know not what sort
of unheard-of spy. Sir,” he less lowly added, “this
mistaking of your man should teach you how you may
mistake all men. For God's sake,” laying both hands
upon him, “get you confidence. See how distrust has
duped you. I, Diogenes? I he who, going a step
beyond misanthropy, was less a man-hater than a manhooter?
Better were I stark and stiff!”

With which the philanthropist moved away less
lightsome than he had come, leaving the discomfited
misanthrope to the solitude he held so sapient.

-- --

CHAPTER XXV. THE COSMOPOLITAN MAKES AN ACQUAINTANCE.

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In the act of retiring, the cosmopolitan was met by a
passenger, who, with the bluff abord of the West, thus
addressed him, though a stranger.

“Queer 'coon, your friend. Had a little skrimmage
with him myself. Rather entertaining old 'coon, if he
wasn't so deuced analytical. Reminded me somehow of
what I've heard about Colonel John Moredock, of Illinois,
only your friend ain't quite so good a fellow at
bottom, I should think.”

It was in the semicircular porch of a cabin, opening
a recess from the deck, lit by a zoned lamp swung overhead,
and sending its light vertically down, like the sun
at noon. Beneath the lamp stood the speaker, affording
to any one disposed to it no unfavorable chance for
scrutiny; but the glance now resting on him betrayed
no such rudeness.

A man neither tall nor stout, neither short nor gaunt;
but with a body fitted, as by measure, to the service of
his mind. For the rest, one less favored perhaps in his
features than his clothes; and of these the beauty may
have been less in the fit than the cut; to say nothing of

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the fineness of the nap, seeming out of keeping with
something the reverse of fine in the skin; and the unsuitableness
of a violet vest, sending up sunset hues to
a countenance betokening a kind of bilious habit.

But, upon the whole, it could not be fairly said that
his appearance was unprepossessing; indeed, to the congenial,
it would have been doubtless not uncongenial;
while to others, it could not fail to be at least curiously
interesting, from the warm air of florid cordiality, contrasting
itself with one knows not what kind of aguish
sallowness of saving discretion lurking behind it. Ungracious
critics might have thought that the manner
flushed the man, something in the same fictitious way
that the vest flushed the cheek. And though his teeth
were singularly good, those same ungracious ones might
have hinted that they were too good to be true; or rather,
were not so good as they might be; since the best
false teeth are those made with at least two or three
blemishes, the more to look like life. But fortunately
for better constructions, no such critics had the stranger
now in eye; only the cosmopolitan, who, after, in the
first place, acknowledging his advances with a mute salute—
in which acknowledgment, if there seemed less of
spirit than in his way of accosting the Missourian, it was
probably because of the saddening sequel of that late interview—
thus now replied: “Colonel John Moredock,”
repeating the words abstractedly; “that surname recalls
reminiscences. Pray,” with enlivened air, “was he
anyway connected with the Moredocks of Moredock
Hall, Northamptonshire, England?”

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“I know no more of the Moredocks of Moredock Hall
than of the Burdocks of Burdock Hut,” returned the
other, with the air somehow of one whose fortunes had
been of his own making; “all I know is, that the late
Colonel John Moredock was a famous one in his time;
eye like Lochiel's; finger like a trigger; nerve like a catamount's;
and with but two little oddities—seldom stirred
without his rifle, and hated Indians like snakes.”

“Your Moredock, then, would seem a Moredock of
Misanthrope Hall—the Woods. No very sleek creature,
the colonel, I fancy.”

“Sleek or not, he was no uncombed one, but silky
bearded and curly headed, and to all but Indians juicy
as a peach. But Indians—how the late Colonel John
Moredock, Indian-hater of Illinois, did hate Indians, to
be sure!”

“Never heard of such a thing. Hate Indians? Why
should he or anybody else hate Indians? I admire
Indians. Indians I have always heard to be one of the
finest of the primitive races, possessed of many heroic
virtues. Some noble women, too. When I think of
Pocahontas, I am ready to love Indians. Then there's
Massasoit, and Philip of Mount Hope, and Tecumseh,
and Red-Jacket, and Logan—all heroes; and there's the
Five Nations, and Araucanians—federations and communities
of heroes. God bless me; hate Indians? Surely
the late Colonel John Moredock must have wandered in
his mind.”

“Wandered in the woods considerably, but never
wandered elsewhere, that I ever heard.”

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“Are you in earnest? Was there ever one who so
made it his particular mission to hate Indians that, to
designate him, a special word has been coined—Indian-hater?”

“Even so.”

“Dear me, you take it very calmly.—But really, I
would like to know something about this Indian-hating.
I can hardly believe such a thing to be. Could you
favor me with a little history of the extraordinary man
you mentioned?”

“With all my heart,” and immediately stepping from
the porch, gestured the cosmopolitan to a settee near
by, on deck. “There, sir, sit you there, and I will sit
here beside you—you desire to hear of Colonel John
Moredock. Well, a day in my boyhood is marked with
a white stone—the day I saw the colonel's rifle, powder-horn
attached, hanging in a cabin on the West bank
of the Wabash river. I was going westward a long journey
through the wilderness with my father. It was
nigh noon, and we had stopped at the cabin to unsaddle
and bait. The man at the cabin pointed out the rifle, and
told whose it was, adding that the colonel was that
moment sleeping on wolf-skins in the corn-loft above,
so we must not talk very loud, for the colonel had been
out all night hunting (Indians, mind), and it would be
cruel to disturb his sleep. Curious to see one so famous,
we waited two hours over, in hopes he would come
forth; but he did not. So, it being necessary to get to
the next cabin before nightfall, we had at last to ride off
without the wished-for satisfaction. Though, to tell the

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truth, I, for one, did not go away entirely ungratified,
for, while my father was watering the horses, I slipped
back into the cabin, and stepping a round or two up the
ladder, pushed my head through the trap, and peered
about. Not much light in the loft; but off, in the further
corner, I saw what I took to be the wolf-skins, and
on them a bundle of something, like a drift of leaves;
and at one end, what seemed a moss-ball; and over it,
deer-antlers branched; and close by, a small squirrel
sprang out from a maple-bowl of nuts, brushed the moss-ball
with his tail, through a hole, and vanished, squeaking.
That bit of woodland scene was all I saw. No
Colonel Moredock there, unless that moss-ball was his
curly head, seen in the back view. I would have gone
clear up, but the man below had warned me, that
though, from his camping habits, the colonel could sleep
through thunder, he was for the same cause amazing
quick to waken at the sound of footsteps, however soft,
and especially if human.”

“Excuse me,” said the other, softly laying his hand
on the narrator's wrist, “but I fear the colonel was of
a distrustful nature—little or no confidence. He was a
little suspicious-minded, wasn't he?”

“Not a bit. Knew too much. Suspected nobody,
but was not ignorant of Indians. Well: though, as
you may gather, I never fully saw the man, yet, have I,
one way and another, heard about as much of him as
any other; in particular, have I heard his history again
and again from my father's friend, James Hall, the judge,
you know. In every company being called upon to

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give this history, which none could better do, the judge
at last fell into a style so methodic, you would have
thought he spoke less to mere auditors than to an invisible
amanuensis; seemed talking for the press; very impressive
way with him indeed. And I, having an equally
impressible memory, think that, upon a pinch, I can
render you the judge upon the colonel almost word for
word.”

“Do so, by all means,” said the cosmopolitan, well
pleased.

“Shall I give you the judge's philosophy, and all?”

“As to that,” rejoined the other gravely, pausing over
the pipe-bowl he was filling, “the desirableness, to a
man of a certain mind, of having another man's philosophy
given, depends considerably upon what school of
philosophy that other man belongs to. Of what school
or system was the judge, pray?”

“Why, though he knew how to read and write, the
judge never had much schooling. But, I should say he
belonged, if anything, to the free-school system. Yes, a
true patriot, the judge went in strong for free-schools.”

“In philosophy? The man of a certain mind, then,
while respecting the judge's patriotism, and not blind
to the judge's capacity for narrative, such as he may
prove to have, might, perhaps, with prudence, waive an
opinion of the judge's probable philosophy. But I am
no rigorist; proceed, I beg; his philosophy or not, as
you please.”

“Well, I would mostly skip that part, only, to begin,
some reconnoitering of the ground in a philosophical

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way the judge always deemed indispensable with strangers.
For you must know that Indian-hating was no
monopoly of Colonel Moredock's; but a passion, in one
form or other, and to a degree, greater or less, largely
shared among the class to which he belonged. And
Indian-hating still exists; and, no doubt, will continue
to exist, so long as Indians do. Indian-hating, then,
shall be my first theme, and Colonel Moredock, the Indian-hater,
my next and last.”

With which the stranger, settling himself in his seat,
commenced—the hearer paying marked regard, slowly
smoking, his glance, meanwhile, steadfastly abstracted
towards the deck, but his right ear so disposed towards
the speaker that each word came through as little atmospheric
intervention as possible. To intensify the
sense of hearing, he seemed to sink the sense of sight.
No complaisance of mere speech could have been so
flattering, or expressed such striking politeness as this
mute eloquence of thoroughly digesting attention.

-- --

CHAPTER XXVI. CONTAINING THE METAPHYSICS OF INDIAN-HATING, ACCORDING TO THE VIEWS OF ONE EVIDENTLY NOT SO PREPOSSESSED AS ROUSSEAU IN FAVOR OF SAVAGES.

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The judge always began in these words: `The
backwoodsman's hatred of the Indian has been a topic
for some remark. In the earlier times of the frontier
the passion was thought to be readily accounted for.
But Indian rapine having mostly ceased through regions
where it once prevailed, the philanthropist is surprised
that Indian-hating has not in like degree ceased with it.
He wonders why the backwoodsman still regards the
red man in much the same spirit that a jury does a
murderer, or a trapper a wild cat—a creature, in whose
behalf mercy were not wisdom; truce is vain; he must
be executed.

“`A curious point,' the judge would continue, `which
perhaps not everybody, even upon explanation, may fully
understand; while, in order for any one to approach to
an understanding, it is necessary for him to learn, or if
he already know, to bear in mind, what manner of man
the backwoodsman is; as for what manner of man the
Indian is, many know, either from history or experience.

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“`The backwoodsman is a lonely man. He is a thoughtful
man. He is a man strong and unsophisticated. Impulsive,
he is what some might call unprincipled. At
any rate, he is self-willed; being one who less hearkens
to what others may say about things, than looks for
himself, to see what are things themselves. If in straits,
there are few to help; he must depend upon himself;
he must continually look to himself. Hence self-reliance,
to the degree of standing by his own judgment,
though it stand alone. Not that he deems himself
infallible; too many mistakes in following trails prove
the contrary; but he thinks that nature destines such
sagacity as she has given him, as she destines it to the
'possum. To these fellow-beings of the wilds their
untutored sagacity is their best dependence. If with
either it prove faulty, if the 'possum's betray it to the
trap, or the backwoodsman's mislead him into ambuscade,
there are consequences to be undergone, but no selfblame.
As with the 'possum, instincts prevail with
the backwoodsman over precepts. Like the 'possum,
the backwoodsman presents the spectacle of a creature
dwelling exclusively among the works of God, yet
these, truth must confess, breed little in him of a godly
mind. Small bowing and scraping is his, further than
when with bent knee he points his rifle, or picks its
flint. With few companions, solitude by necessity his
lengthened lot, he stands the trial—no slight one, since,
next to dying, solitude, rightly borne, is perhaps of for
titude the most rigorous test. But not merely is the
backwoodsman content to be alone, but in no few cases

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is anxious to be so. The sight of smoke ten miles off is
provocation to one more remove from man, one step
deeper into nature. Is it that he feels that whatever man
may be, man is not the universe? that glory, beauty,
kindness, are not all engrossed by him? that as the
presence of man frights birds away, so, many bird-like
thoughts? Be that how it will, the backwoodsman is
not without some fineness to his nature. Hairy Orson as
he looks, it may be with him as with the Shetland seal—
beneath the bristles lurks the fur.

“`Though held in a sort a barbarian, the backwoodsman
would seem to America what Alexander was to
Asia—captain in the vanguard of conquering civilization.
Whatever the nation's growing opulence or power, does
it not lackey his heels? Pathfinder, provider of security
to those who come after him, for himself he asks
nothing but hardship. Worthy to be compared with
Moses in the Exodus, or the Emperor Julian in Gaul,
who on foot, and bare-browed, at the head of covered
or mounted legions, marched so through the elements,
day after day. The tide of emigration, let it roll as it
will, never overwhelms the backwoodsman into itself;
he rides upon advance, as the Polynesian upon the comb
of the surf.

“`Thus, though he keep moving on through life, he
maintains with respect to nature much the same unaltered
relation throughout; with her creatures, too,
including panthers and Indians. Hence, it is not
unlikely that, accurate as the theory of the Peace Congress
may be with respect to those two varieties of

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beings, among others, yet the backwoodsman might be
qualified to throw out some practical suggestions.

“`As the child born to a backwoodsman must in turn
lead his father's life—a life which, as related to humanity,
is related mainly to Indians—it is thought best
not to mince matters, out of delicacy; but to tell the boy
pretty plainly what an Indian is, and what he must expect
from him. For however charitable it may be to
view Indians as members of the Society of Friends, yet
to affirm them such to one ignorant of Indians, whose
lonely path lies a long way through their lands, this, in
the event, might prove not only injudicious but cruel.
At least something of this kind would seem the maxim
upon which backswoods' education is based. Accordingly,
if in youth the backwoodsman incline to knowledge,
as is generally the case, he hears little from his
schoolmasters, the old chroniclers of the forest, but histories
of Indian lying, Indian theft, Indian doubledealing,
Indian fraud and perfidy, Indian want of
conscience, Indian blood-thirstiness, Indian diabolism—
histories which, though of wild woods, are almost as
full of things unangelic as the Newgate Calendar or the
Annals of Europe. In these Indian narratives and traditions
the lad is thoroughly grounded. “As the twig
is bent the tree's inclined.” The instinct of antipathy
against an Indian grows in the backwoodsman with the
sense of good and bad, right and wrong. In one breath
he learns that a brother is to be loved, and an Indian to
be hated.

“`Such are the facts,' the judge would say, `upon

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which, if one seek to moralize, he must do so with an
eye to them. It is terrible that one creature should so
regard another, should make it conscience to abhor an
entire race. It is terrible; but is it surprising? Surprising,
that one should hate a race which he believes to
be red from a cause akin to that which makes some tribes
of garden insects green? A race whose name is upon
the frontier a memento mori; painted to him in every evil
light; now a horse-thief like those in Moyamensing;
now an assassin like a New York rowdy; now a treatybreaker
like an Austrian; now a Palmer with poisoned
arrows; now a judicial murderer and Jeffries, after a
fierce farce of trial condemning his victim to bloody
death; or a Jew with hospitable speeches cozening
some fainting stranger into ambuscade, there to burk
him, and account it a deed grateful to Manitou, his god.

“`Still, all this is less advanced as truths of the Indians
than as examples of the backwoodsman's impression of
them—in which the charitable may think he does them
some injustice. Certain it is, the Indians themselves
think so; quite unanimously, too. The Indians, in
deed, protest against the backwoodsman's view of
them; and some think that one cause of their returning
his antipathy so sincerely as they do, is their moral indignation
at being so libeled by him, as they really believe
and say. But whether, on this or any point, the
Indians should be permitted to testify for themselves,
to the exclusion of other testimony, is a question that
may be left to the Supreme Court. At any rate, it has
been observed that when an Indian becomes a genuine

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proselyte to Christianity (such cases, however, not being
very many; though, indeed, entire tribes are sometimes
nominally brought to the true light,) he will not in that
case conceal his enlightened conviction, that his race's
portion by nature is total depravity; and, in that way,
as much as admits that the backwoodsman's worst idea
of it is not very far from true; while, on the other hand,
those red men who are the greatest sticklers for the
theory of Indian virtue, and Indian loving-kindness, are
sometimes the arrantest horse-thieves and tomahawkers
among them. So, at least, avers the backwoodsman.
And though, knowing the Indian nature, as he thinks he
does, he fancies he is not ignorant that an Indian may
in some points deceive himself almost as effectually as in
bush-tactics he can another, yet his theory and his practice
as above contrasted seem to involve an inconsistency
so extreme, that the backwoodsman only accounts for it
on the supposition that when a tomahawking red-man
advances the notion of the benignity of the red race, it
it but part and parcel with that subtle strategy which
he finds so useful in war, in hunting, and the general
conduct of life.'

“In further explanation of that deep abhorrence with
which the backwoodsman regards the savage, the judge
used to think it might perhaps a little help, to consider
what kind of stimulus to it is furnished in those forest
histories and traditions before spoken of. In which behalf,
he would tell the story of the little colony of
Wrights and Weavers, originally seven cousins from Virginia,
who, after successive removals with their families,

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at last established themselves near the southern frontier
of the Bloody Ground, Kentucky: `They were strong,
brave men; but, unlike many of the pioneers in those
days, theirs was no love of conflict for conflict's sake.
Step by step they had been lured to their lonely restingplace
by the ever-beckoning seductions of a fertile and
virgin land, with a singular exemption, during the march,
from Indian molestation. But clearings made and
houses built, the bright shield was soon to turn its other
side. After repeated persecutions and eventual hostilities,
forced on them by a dwindled tribe in their neighborhood—
persecutions resulting in loss of crops and
cattle; hostilities in which they lost two of their number,
illy to be spared, besides others getting painful
wounds—the five remaining cousins made, with some
serious concessions, a kind of treaty with Mocmohoc,
the chief—being to this induced by the harryings of
the enemy, leaving them no peace. But they were
further prompted, indeed, first incited, by the suddenly
changed ways of Mocmohoc, who, though hitherto
deemed a savage almost perfidious as Cæsar Borgia, yet
now put on a seeming the reverse of this, engaging to
bury the hatchet, smoke the pipe, and be friends forever;
not friends in the mere sense of renouncing
enmity, but in the sense of kindliness, active and familiar.

“`But what the chief now seemed, did not wholly
blind them to what the chief had been; so that, though
in no small degree influenced by his change of bearing,
they still distrusted him enough to covenant with him,

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among other articles on their side, that though friendly
visits should be exchanged between the wigwams and
the cabins, yet the five cousins should never, on any
account, be expected to enter the chief's lodge together.
The intention was, though they reserved it, that if ever,
under the guise of amity, the chief should mean them
mischief, and effect it, it should be but partially; so that
some of the five might survive, not only for their families'
sake, but also for retribution's. Nevertheless, Mocmohoc
did, upon a time, with such fine art and pleasing
carriage win their confidence, that he brought them
all together to a feast of bear's meat, and there, by stratagem,
ended them. Years after, over their calcined bones
and those of all their families, the chief, reproached for
his treachery by a proud hunter whom he had made captive,
jeered out, “Treachery? pale face! 'Twas they
who broke their covenant first, in coming all together;
they that broke it first, in trusting Mocmohoc.'”

“At this point the judge would pause, and lifting his
hand, and rolling his eyes, exclaim in a solemn enough
voice, `Circling wiles and bloody lusts. The acuteness
and genius of the chief but make him the more atrocious.
'

“After another pause, he would begin an imaginary
kind of dialogue between a backwoodsman and a questioner:

“`But are all Indians like Mocmohoc?—Not all have
proved such; but in the least harmful may lie his germ.
There is an Indian nature. “Indian blood is in me,” is the
half-breed's threat.—But are not some Indians kind?—

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Yes, but kind Indians are mostly lazy, and reputed simple—
at all events, are seldom chiefs; chiefs among the
red men being taken from the active, and those accounted
wise. Hence, with small promotion, kind Indians
have but proportionate influence. And kind
Indians may be forced to do unkind biddings. So “beware
the Indian, kind or unkind,” said Daniel Boone, who
lost his sons by them.—But, have all you backwoodsmen
been some way victimized by Indians?—No.—Well,
and in certain cases may not at least some few of you be
favored by them?—Yes, but scarce one among us so
self-important, or so selfish-minded, as to hold his personal
exemption from Indian outrage such a set-off
against the contrary experience of so many others, as
that he must needs, in a general way, think well of Indians;
or, if he do, an arrow in his flank might suggest a
pertinent doubt.

“`In short,' according to the judge, `if we at all credit
the backwoodsman, his feeling against Indians, to be
taken aright, must be considered as being not so much
on his own account as on others', or jointly on both
accounts. True it is, scarce a family he knows but some
member of it, or connection, has been by Indians maimed
or scalped. What avails, then, that some one Indian, or
some two or three, treat a backwoodsman friendly-like?
He fears me, he thinks. Take my rifle from me, give
him motive, and what will come? Or if not so, how
know I what involuntary preparations may be going
on in him for things as unbeknown in present time to
him as me—a sort of chemical preparation in the soul

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for malice, as chemical preparation in the body for
malady.'

“Not that the backwoodsman ever used those words,
you see, but the judge found him expression for his
meaning. And this point he would conclude with saying,
that, `what is called a “friendly Indian” is a very rare
sort of creature; and well it was so, for no ruthlessness
exceeds that of a “friendly Indian” turned enemy.
A coward friend, he makes a valiant foe.

“`But, thus far the passion in question has been
viewed in a general way as that of a community. When
to his due share of this the backwoodsman adds his private
passion, we have then the stock out of which is
formed, if formed at all, the Indian-hater par excellence.
'

“The Indian-hater par excellence the judge defined to
be one `who, having with his mother's milk drank in
small love for red men, in youth or early manhood, ere
the sensibilities become osseous, receives at their hand
some signal outrage, or, which in effect is much the same,
some of his kin have, or some friend. Now, nature
all around him by her solitudes wooing or bidding him
muse upon this matter, he accordingly does so, till the
thought develops such attraction, that much as straggling
vapors troop from all sides to a storm-cloud, so
straggling thoughts of other outrages troop to the nucleus
thought, assimilate with it, and swell it. At last,
taking counsel with the elements, he comes to his resolution.
An intenser Hannibal, he makes a vow, the hate
of which is a vortex from whose suction scarce the

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remotest chip of the guilty race may reasonably feel
secure. Next, he declares himself and settles his temporal
affairs. With the solemnity of a Spaniard turned
monk, he takes leave of his kin; or rather, these leavetakings
have something of the still more impressive
finality of death-bed adieus. Last, he commits himself
to the forest primeval; there, so long as life shall be his,
to act upon a calm, cloistered scheme of strategical, implacable,
and lonesome vengeance. Ever on the noiseless
trail; cool, collected, patient; less seen than felt;
snuffing, smelling—a Leather-stocking Nemesis. In the
settlements he will not be seen again; in eyes of old
companions tears may start at some chance thing that
speaks of him; but they never look for him, nor call;
they know he will not come. Suns and seasons fleet;
the tiger-lily blows and falls; babes are born and leap in
their mothers' arms; but, the Indian-hater is good as
gone to his long home, and “Terror” is his epitaph.'

“Here the judge, not unaffected, would pause again,
but presently resume: `How evident that in strict speech
there can be no biography of an Indian-hater par excel
lence,
any more than one of a sword-fish, or other deepsea
denizen; or, which is still less imaginable, one of a
dead man. The career of the Indian-hater par excellence
has the impenetrability of the fate of a lost steamer.
Doubtless, events, terrible ones, have happened, must
have happened; but the powers that be in nature have
taken order that they shall never becomes news.

“`But, luckily for the curious, there is a species of diluted
Indian-hater, one whose heart proves not so steely

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as his brain. Soft enticements of domestic life too
often draw him from the ascetic trail; a monk who
apostatizes to the world at times. Like a mariner, too,
though much abroad, he may have a wife and family in
some green harbor which he does not forget. It is with
him as with the Papist converts in Senegal; fasting and
mortification prove hard to bear.'

“The judge, with his usual judgment, always thought
that the intense solitude to which the Indian-hater consigns
himself, has, by its overawing influence, no little
to do with relaxing his vow. He would relate instances
where, after some months' lonely scoutings, the
Indian-hater is suddenly seized with a sort of calenture;
hurries openly towards the first smoke, though he knows
it is an Indian's, announces himself as a lost hunter,
gives the savage his rifle, throws himself upon his charity,
embraces him with much affection, imploring the
privilege of living a while in his sweet companionship.
What is too often the sequel of so distempered a procedure
may be best known by those who best know the
Indian. Upon the whole, the judge, by two and thirty
good and sufficient reasons, would maintain that there
was no known vocation whose consistent following calls
for such self-containings as that of the Indian-hater par
excellence.
In the highest view, he considered such a soul
one peeping out but once an age.

“For the diluted Indian-hater, although the vacations
he permits himself impair the keeping of the character,
yet, it should not be overlooked that this is the man
who, by his very infirmity, enables us to form surmises,

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however inadequate, of what Indian-hating in its perfection
is.”

“One moment,” gently interrupted the cosmopolitan
here, “and let me refill my calumet.”

Which being done, the other proceeded:—

-- --

CHAPTER XXVII. SOME ACCOUNT OF A MAN OF QUESTIONABLE MORALITY, BUT WHO, NEVERTHELESS, WOULD SEEM ENTITLED TO THE ESTEEM OF THAT EMINENT ENGLISH MORALIST WHO SAID HE LIKED A GOOD HATER.

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Coming to mention the man to whose story all thus
far said was but the introduction, the judge, who, like
you, was a great smoker, would insist upon all the company
taking cigars, and then lighting a fresh one himself,
rise in his place, and, with the solemnest voice, say—
`Gentlemen, let us smoke to the memory of Colonel John
Moredock;' when, after several whiffs taken standing in
deep silence and deeper reverie, he would resume his
seat and his discourse, something in these words:

“`Though Colonel John Moredock was not an Indian-hater
par excellence, he yet cherished a kind of sentiment
towards the red man, and in that degree, and so acted
out his sentiment as sufficiently to merit the tribute
just rendered to his memory.

“`John Moredock was the son of a woman married
thrice, and thrice widowed by a tomahawk. The three
successive husbands of this woman had been pioneers,
and with them she had wandered from wilderness to
wilderness, always on the frontier. With nine children,

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she at last found herself at a little clearing, afterwards
Vincennes. There she joined a company about to remove
to the new country of Illinois. On the eastern
side of Illinois there were then no settlements; but on
the west side, the shore of the Mississippi, there were,
near the mouth of the Kaskaskia, some old hamlets
of French. To the vicinity of those hamlets, very innocent
and pleasant places, a new Arcadia, Mrs. Moredock's
party was destined; for thereabouts, among the vines,
they meant to settle. They embarked upon the Wabash
in boats, proposing descending that stream into the
Ohio, and the Ohio into the Mississippi, and so, northwards,
towards the point to be reached. All went well
till they made the rock of the Grand Tower on the Mississippi,
where they had to land and drag their boats
round a point swept by a strong current. Here a party
of Indians, lying in wait, rushed out and murdered
nearly all of them. The widow was among the victims
with her children, John excepted, who, some fifty miles
distant, was following with a second party.

“`He was just entering upon manhood, when thus left
in nature sole survivor of his race. Other youngsters
might have turned mourners; he turned avenger.
His nerves were electric wires—sensitive, but steel. He
was one who, from self-possession, could be made neither
to flush nor pale. It is said that when the tidings
were brought him, he was ashore sitting beneath a hemlock
eating his dinner of venison—and as the tidings
were told him, after the first start he kept on eating,
but slowly and deliberately, chewing the wild news

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with the wild meat, as if both together, turned to chyle,
together should sinew him to his intent. From that meal
he rose an Indian-hater. He rose; got his arms, prevailed
upon some comrades to join him, and without delay
started to discover who were the actual transgressors.
They proved to belong to a band of twenty renegades
from various tribes, outlaws even among Indians, and
who had formed themselves into a maurauding crew.
No opportunity for action being at the time presented,
he dismissed his friends; told them to go on, thanking
them, and saying he would ask their aid at some future
day. For upwards of a year, alone in the wilds, he
watched the crew. Once, what he thought a favorable
chance having occurred—it being midwinter, and the
savages encamped, apparently to remain so—he anew
mustered his friends, and marched against them; but,
getting wind of his coming, the enemy fled, and in
such panic that everything was left behind but their
weapons. During the winter, much the same thing
happened upon two subsequent occasions. The next
year he sought them at the head of a party pledged to
serve him for forty days. At last the hour came. It
was on the shore of the Mississippi. From their covert,
Moredock and his men dimly descried the gang of Cains
in the red dusk of evening, paddling over to a jungled
island in mid-stream, there the more securely to lodge;
for Moredock's retributive spirit in the wilderness spoke
ever to their trepidations now, like the voice calling
through the garden. Waiting until dead of night, the
whites swam the river, towing after them a raft laden

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with their arms. On landing, Moredock cut the fastenings
of the enemy's canoes, and turned them, with his
own raft, adrift; resolved that there should be neither
escape for the Indians, nor safety, except in victory, for
the whites. Victorious the whites were; but three of
the Indians saved themselves by taking to the stream.
Moredock's band lost not a man.

“`Three of the murderers survived. He knew their
names and persons. In the course of three years each
successively fell by his own hand. All were now dead.
But this did not suffice. He made no avowal, but to
kill Indians had become his passion. As an athlete, he
had few equals; as a shot, none; in single combat, not
to be beaten. Master of that woodland-cunning enabling
the adept to subsist where the tyro would perish, and
expert in all those arts by which an enemy is pursued
for weeks, perhaps months, without once suspecting it,
he kept to the forest. The solitary Indian that met him,
died. When a murder was descried, he would either
secretly pursue their track for some chance to strike at
least one blow; or if, while thus engaged, he himself
was discovered, he would elude them by superior skill.

“`Many years he spent thus; and though after a time
he was, in a degree, restored to the ordinary life of the
region and period, yet it is believed that John Moredock
never let pass an opportunity of quenching an Indian.
Sins of commission in that kind may have been his, but
none of omission.

“`It were to err to suppose,' the judge would say, `that
this gentleman was naturally ferocious, or peculiarly

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possessed of those qualities, which, unhelped by provocation
of events, tend to withdraw man from social life.
On the contrary, Moredock was an example of something
apparently self-contradicting, certainly curious, but, at
the same time, undeniable: namely, that nearly all Indian-haters
have at bottom loving hearts; at any rate,
hearts, if anything, more generous than the average.
Certain it is, that, to the degree in which he mingled in
the life of the settlements, Moredock showed himself
not without humane feelings. No cold husband or colder
father, he; and, though often and long away from his
household, bore its needs in mind, and provided for them.
He could be very convivial; told a good story (though
never of his more private exploits), and sung a capital
song. Hospitable, not backward to help a neighbor; by
report, benevolent, as retributive, in secret; while, in a
general manner, though sometimes grave—as is not unusual
with men of his complexion, a sultry and tragical
brown—yet with nobody, Indians excepted, otherwise
than courteous in a manly fashion; a moccasined
gentleman, admired and loved. In fact, no one more
popular, as an incident to follow may prove.

“`His bravery, whether in Indian fight or any other,
was unquestionable. An officer in the ranging service
during the war of 1812, he acquitted himself with more
than credit. Of his soldierly character, this anecdote is
told: Not long after Hull's dubious surrender at Detroit,
Moredock with some of his rangers rode up at night to a
log-house, there to rest till morning. The horses being
attended to, supper over, and sleeping-places assigned

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the troop, the host showed the colonel his best bed,
not on the ground like the rest, but a bed that stood on
legs. But out of delicacy, the guest declined to monopolize
it, or, indeed, to occupy it at all; when, to increase
the inducement, as the host thought, he was told that a
general officer had once slept in that bed. “Who, pray?”
asked the colonel. “General Hull.” “Then you must
not take offense,” said the colonel, buttoning up his coat,
“but, really, no coward's bed, for me, however comfortable.”
Accordingly he took up with valor's bed—a cold
one on the ground.

“`At one time the colonel was a member of the territorial
council of Illinois, ands at the formation of the
state government, was pressed to become candidate for
governor, but begged to be excused. And, though he
declined to give his reasons for declining, yet by those
who best knew him the cause was not wholly unsurmised.
In his official capacity he might be called upon
to enter into friendly treaties with Indian tribes, a thing
not to be thought of. And even did no such contingency
arise, yet he felt there would be an impropriety in
the Governor of Illinois stealing out now and then,
during a recess of the legislative bodies, for a few days'
shooting at human beings, within the limits of his paternal
chief-magistracy. If the governorship offered large
honors, from Moredock it demanded larger sacrifices.
These were incompatibles. In short, he was not unaware
that to be a consistent Indian-hater involves the
renunciation of ambition, with its objects—the pomps
and glories of the world; and since religion, pronouncing

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such things vanities, accounts it merit to renounce them,
therefore, so far as this goes, Indian-hating, whatever
may be thought of it in other respects, may be regarded
as not wholly without the efficacy of a devout sentiment.
'”

Here the narrator paused. Then, after his long and
irksome sitting, started to his feet, and regulating his
disordered shirt-frill, and at the same time adjustingly
shaking his legs down in his rumpled pantaloons, concluded:
“There, I have done; having given you, not
my story, mind, or my thoughts, but another's. And
now, for your friend Coonskins, I doubt not, that, if the
judge were here, he would pronounce him a sort of
comprehensive Colonel Moredock, who, too much spreading
his passion, shallows it.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXVIII. MOOT POINTS TOUCHING THE LATE COLONEL JOHN MOREDOCK.

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Charity, charity!” exclaimed the cosmopolitan,
“never a sound judgment without charity. When man
judges man, charity is less a bounty from our mercy
than just allowance for the insensible lee-way of human
fallibility. God forbid that my eccentric friend should
be what you hint. You do not know him, or but imperfectly.
His outside deceived you; at first it came
near deceiving even me. But I seized a chance, when,
owing to indignation against some wrong, he laid himself
a little open; I seized that lucky chance, I say, to
inspect his heart, and found it an inviting oyster in a forbidding
shell. His outside is but put on. Ashamed of his
own goodness, he treats mankind as those strange old
uncles in romances do their nephews—snapping at them
all the time and yet loving them as the apple of their
eye.”

“Well, my words with him were few. Perhaps he is
not what I took him for. Yes, for aught I know, you
may be right.”

“Glad to hear it. Charity, like poetry, should be
cultivated, if only for its being graceful. And now, since

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you have renounced your notion, I should be happy
would you, so to speak, renounce your story, too. That
story strikes me with even more incredulity than wonder.
To me some parts don't hang together. If the
man of hate, how could John Moredock be also the
man of love? Either his lone campaigns are fabulous
as Hercules'; or else, those being true, what was
thrown in about his geniality is but garnish. In short,
if ever there was such a man as Moredock, he, in my
way of thinking, was either misanthrope or nothing;
and his misanthropy the more intense from being focused
on one race of men. Though, like suicide, man-hatred
would seem peculiarly a Roman and a Grecian
passion—that is, Pagan; yet, the annals of neither Rome
nor Greece can produce the equal in man-hatred of
Colonel Moredock, as the judge and you have painted
him. As for this Indian-hating in general, I can only
say of it what Dr. Johnson said of the alleged Lisbon
earthquake: `Sir, I don't believe it.'”

“Didn't believe it? Why not? Clashed with any
little prejudice of his?”

“Doctor Johnson had no prejudice; but, like a certain
other person,” with an ingenuous smile, “he had
sensibilities, and those were pained.”

“Dr. Johnson was a good Christian, wasn't he?”

“He was.”

“Suppose he had been something else.”

“Then small incredulity as to the alleged earthquake.”

“Suppose he had been also a misanthrope?”

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“Then small incredulity as to the robberies and murders
alleged to have been perpetrated under the pall of
smoke and ashes. The infidels of the time were quick
to credit those reports and worse. So true is it that,
while religion, contrary to the common notion, implies,
in certain cases, a spirit of slow reserve as to assent,
infidelity, which claims to despise credulity, is sometimes
swift to it.”

“You rather jumble together misanthropy and infidelity.”

“I do not jumble them; they are coördinates. For
misanthropy, springing from the same root with disbelief
of religion, is twin with that. It springs from
the same root, I say; for, set aside materialism, and
what is an atheist, but one who does not, or will not,
see in the universe a ruling principle of love; and
what a misanthrope, but one who does not, or will
not, see in man a ruling principle of kindness? Don't
you see? In either case the vice consists in a want of
confidence.”

“What sort of a sensation is misanthropy?”

“Might as well ask me what sort of sensation is
hydrophobia. Don't know; never had it. But I have
often wondered what it can be like. Can a misanthrope
feel warm, I ask myself; take ease? be companionable
with himself? Can a misanthrope smoke
a cigar and muse? How fares he in solitude? Has
the misanthrope such a thing as an appetite? Shall a
peach refresh him? The effervescence of champagne,
with what eye does he behold it? Is summer good to

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him? Of long winters how much can he sleep? What
are his dreams? How feels he, and what does he, when
suddenly awakened, alone, at dead of night, by fusilades
of thunder?”

“Like you,” said the stranger, “I can't understand the
misanthrope. So far as my experience goes, either mankind
is worthy one's best love, or else I have been lucky.
Never has it been my lot to have been wronged, though
but in the smallest degree. Cheating, backbiting, superciliousness,
disdain, hard-heartedness, and all that
brood, I know but by report. Cold regards tossed over
the sinister shoulder of a former friend, ingratitude in
a beneficiary, treachery in a confidant—such things may
be; but I must take somebody's word for it. Now the
bridge that has carried me so well over, shall I not
praise it?”

“Ingratitude to the worthy bridge not to do so.
Man is a noble fellow, and in an age of satirists, I am
not displeased to find one who has confidence in him,
and bravely stands up for him.”

“Yes, I always speak a good word for man; and what
is more, am always ready to do a good deed for
him.”

“You are a man after my own heart,” responded the
cosmopolitan, with a candor which lost nothing by its
calmness. “Indeed,” he added, “our sentiments agree
so, that were they written in a book, whose was whose,
few but the nicest critics might determine.”

“Since we are thus joined in mind,” said the stranger,
“why not be joined in hand?”

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“My hand is always at the service of virtue,” frankly
extending it to him as to virtue personified.

“And now,” said the stranger, cordially retaining his
hand, “you know our fashion here at the West. It may
be a little low, but it is kind. Briefly, we being newlymade
friends must drink together. What say you?”

“Thank you; but indeed, you must excuse me.”

“Why?”

“Because, to tell the truth, I have to-day met so
many old friends, all free-hearted, convivial gentlemen,
that really, really, though for the present I succeed in
mastering it, I am at bottom almost in the condition of
a sailor who, stepping ashore after a long voyage, ere
night reels with loving welcomes, his head of less capacity
than his heart.”

At the allusion to old friends, the stranger's countenance
a little fell, as a jealous lover's might at hearing
from his sweetheart of former ones. But rallying, he
said: “No doubt they treated you to something strong;
but wine—surely, that gentle creature, wine; come, let
us have a little gentle wine at one of these little tables
here. Come, come.” Then essaying to roll about like
a full pipe in the sea, sang in a voice which had had more
of good-fellowship, had there been less of a latent squeak
to it:



“Let us drink of the wine of the vine benign,
That sparkles warm in Zansovine.”

The cosmopolitan, with longing eye upon him, stood
as sorely tempted and wavering a moment; then,

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abruptly stepping towards him, with a look of dissolved surrender,
said: “When mermaid songs move figure-heads,
then may glory, gold, and women try their blandishments
on me. But a good fellow, singing a good song,
he woos forth my every spike, so that my whole hull,
like a ship's, sailing by a magnetic rock, caves in with
acquiescence. Enough: when one has a heart of a certain
sort, it is in vain trying to be resolute.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXIX THE BOON COMPANIONS.

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The wine, port, being called for, and the two seated
at the little table, a natural pause of convivial expectancy
ensued; the stranger's eye turned towards the bar
near by, watching the red-cheeked, white-aproned man
there, blithely dusting the bottle, and invitingly arranging
the salver and glasses; when, with a sudden impulse
turning round his head towards his companion, he said,
“Ours is friendship at first sight, ain't it?”

“It is,” was the placidly pleased reply: “and the
same may be said of friendship at first sight as of love
at first sight: it is the only true one, the only noble
one. It bespeaks confidence. Who would go sounding
his way into love or friendship, like a strange ship by
night, into an enemy's harbor?”

“Right. Boldly in before the wind. Agreeable, how
we always agree. By-the-way, though but a formality,
friends should know each other's names. What is yours,
pray?”

“Francis Goodman. But those who love me, call me
Frank. And yours?”

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“Charles Arnold Noble. But do you call me
Charlie.”

“I will, Charlie; nothing like preserving in manhood
the fraternal familiarities of youth. It proves the heart
a rosy boy to the last.”

“My sentiments again. Ah!”

It was a smiling waiter, with the smiling bottle, the
cork drawn; a common quart bottle, but for the occasion
fitted at bottom into a little bark basket, braided
with porcupine quills, gayly tinted in the Indian fashion.
This being set before the entertainer, he regarded it
with affectionate interest, but seemed not to understand,
or else to pretend not to, a handsome red label pasted
on the bottle, bearing the capital letters, P. W.

“P. W.,” said he at last, perplexedly eying the pleasing
poser, “now what does P. W. mean?”

“Shouldn't wonder,” said the cosmopolitan gravely,
“if it stood for port wine. You called for port wine,
didn't you?”

“Why so it is, so it is!”

“I find some little mysteries not very hard to clear
up,” said the other, quietly crossing his legs.

This commonplace seemed to escape the stranger's
hearing, for, full of his bottle, he now rubbed his somewhat
sallow hands over it, and with a strange kind of
cackle, meant to be a chirrup, cried: “Good wine, good
wine; is it not the peculiar bond of good feeling?”
Then brimming both glasses, pushed one over, saying,
with what seemed intended for an air of fine disdain:
“Ill betide those gloomy skeptics who maintain that

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now-a-days pure wine is unpurchasable; that almost
every variety on sale is less the vintage of vineyards
than laboratories; that most bar-keepers are but a set
of male Brinvilliarses, with complaisant arts practicing
against the lives of their best friends, their customers.”

A shade passed over the cosmopolitan. After a few
minutes' down-cast musing, he lifted his eyes and said:
“I have long thought, my dear Charlie, that the spirit
in which wine is regarded by too many in these days is
one of the most painful examples of want of confidence.
Look at these glasses. He who could mistrust poison
in this wine would mistrust consumption in Hebe's
cheek. While, as for suspicions against the dealers in
wine and sellers of it, those who cherish such suspicions
can have but limited trust in the human heart. Each
human heart they must think to be much like each bottle
of port, not such port as this, but such port as they
hold to. Strange traducers, who see good faith in nothing,
however sacred. Not medicines, not the wine in
sacraments, has escaped them. The doctor with his
phial, and the priest with his chalice, they deem equally
the unconscious dispensers of bogus cordials to the
dying.”

“Dreadful!”

“Dreadful indeed,” said the cosmopolitan solemnly.
“These distrusters stab at the very soul of confidence.
If this wine,” impressively holding up his full glass, “if
this wine with its bright promise be not true, how shall
man be, whose promise can be no brighter? But if wine
be false, while men are true, whither shall fly convivial

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geniality? To think of sincerely-genial souls drinking
each other's health at unawares in perfidious and murderous
drugs!”

“Horrible!”

“Much too much so to be true, Charlie. Let us forget
it. Come, you are my entertainer on this occasion,
and yet you don't pledge me. I have been waiting for
it.”

“Pardon, pardon,” half confusedly and half ostentatiously
lifting his glass. “I pledge you, Frank, with
my whole heart, believe me,” taking a draught too decorous
to be large, but which, small though it was, was
followed by a slight involuntary wryness to the mouth.

“And I return you the pledge, Charlie, heart-warm
as it came to me, and honest as this wine I drink it in,”
reciprocated the cosmopolitan with princely kindliness in
his gesture, taking a generous swallow, concluding in a
smack, which, though audible, was not so much so as to
be unpleasing.

“Talking of alleged spuriousness of wines,” said he,
tranquilly setting down his glass, and then sloping back
his head and with friendly fixedness eying the wine,
“perhaps the strangest part of those allegings is, that
there is, as claimed, a kind of man who, while convinced
that on this continent most wines are shams, yet still
drinks away at them; accounting wine so fine a thing,
that even the sham article is better than none at all. And
if the temperance people urge that, by this course, he
will sooner or later be undermined in health, he answers,
`And do you think I don't know that? But health

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without cheer I hold a bore; and cheer, even of the
spurious sort, has its price, which I am willing to
pay.'”

“Such a man, Frank, must have a disposition ungovernably
bacchanalian.”

“Yes, if such a man there be, which I don't credit.
It is a fable, but a fable from which I once heard a person
of less genius than grotesqueness draw a moral even
more extravagant than the fable itself. He said that it
illustrated, as in a parable, how that a man of a disposition
ungovernably good-natured might still familiarly
associate with men, though, at the same time, he believed
the greater part of men false-hearted—accounting society
so sweet a thing that even the spurious sort was
better than none at all. And if the Rochefoucaultites
urge that, by this course, he will sooner or later be undermined
in security, he answers, `And do you think I
don't know that? But security without society I hold
a bore; and society, even of the spurious sort, has its
price, which I am willing to pay.'”

“A most singular theory,” said the stranger with a
slight fidget, eying his companion with some inquisitiveness,
“indeed, Frank, a most slanderous thought,” he
exclaimed in sudden heat and with an involuntary look
almost of being personally aggrieved.

“In one sense it merits all you say, and more,” rejoined
the other with wonted mildness, “but, for a kind
of drollery in it, charity might, perhaps, overlook something
of the wickedness. Humor is, in fact, so blessed a
thing, that even in the least virtuous product of the

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human mind, if there can be found but nine good jokes,
some philosophers are clement enough to affirm that
those nine good jokes should redeem all the wicked
thoughts, though plenty as the populace of Sodom. At
any rate, this same humor has something, there is no
telling what, of beneficence in it, it is such a catholicon
and charm—nearly all men agreeing in relishing it,
though they may agree in little else—and in its way it
undeniably does such a deal of familiar good in the
world, that no wonder it is almost a proverb, that a man
of humor, a man capable of a good loud laugh—seem
how he may in other things—can hardly be a heartless
scamp.”

“Ha, ha, ha!” laughed the other, pointing to the
figure of a pale pauper-boy on the deck below, whose
pitiableness was touched, as it were, with ludicrousness
by a pair of monstrous boots, apparently some mason's
discarded ones, cracked with drouth, half eaten by lime,
and curled up about the toe like a bassoon. “Look—
ha, ha, ha!”

“I see,” said the other, with what seemed quiet appreciation,
but of a kind expressing an eye to the grotesque,
without blindness to what in this case accompanied
it, “I see; and the way in which it moves you,
Charlie, comes in very apropos to point the proverb I
was speaking of. Indeed, had you intended this effect,
it could not have been more so. For who that heard
that laugh, but would as naturally argue from it a
sound heart as sound lungs? True, it is said that a
man may smile, and smile, and smile, and be a villain;

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but it is not said that a man may laugh, and laugh, and
laugh, and be one, is it, Charlie?”

“Ha, ha, ha!—no no, no no.”

“Why Charlie, your explosions illustrate my remarks
almost as aptly as the chemist's imitation volcano did
his lectures. But even if experience did not sanction
the proverb, that a good laugher cannot be a bad man, I
should yet feel bound in confidence to believe it, since
it is a saying current among the people, and I doubt
not originated among them, and hence must be true; for
the voice of the people is the voice of truth. Don't
you think so?”

“Of course I do. If Truth don't speak through the
people, it never speaks at all; so I heard one say.”

“A true saying. But we stray. The popular notion
of humor, considered as index to the heart, would seem
curiously confirmed by Aristotle—I think, in his “Politics,”
(a work, by-the-by, which, however it may be
viewed upon the whole, yet, from the tenor of certain
sections, should not, without precaution, be placed in
the hands of youth)—who remarks that the least lovable
men in history seem to have had for humor not only a
disrelish, but a hatred; and this, in some cases, along
with an extraordinary dry taste for practical punning.
I remember it is related of Phalaris, the capricious
tyrant of Sicily, that he once caused a poor fellow to be
beheaded on a horse-block, for no other cause than having
a horse-laugh.”

“Funny Phalaris!”

“Cruel Phalaris!”

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As after fire-crackers, there was a pause, both looking
downward on the table as if mutually struck by the
contrast of exclamations, and pondering upon its significance,
if any. So, at least, it seemed; but on one side
it might have been otherwise: for presently glancing up,
the cosmopolitan said: “In the instance of the moral,
drolly cynic, drawn from the queer bacchanalian fellow
we were speaking of, who had his reasons for still drinking
spurious wine, though knowing it to be such—there,
I say, we have an example of what is certainly a wicked
thought, but conceived in humor. I will now give you
one of a wicked thought conceived in wickedness. You
shall compare the two, and answer, whether in the one
case the sting is not neutralized by the humor, and
whether in the other the absence of humor does not
leave the sting free play. I once heard a wit, a mere
wit, mind, an irreligious Parisian wit, say, with regard
to the temperance movement, that none, to their personal
benefit, joined it sooner than niggards and knaves;
because, as he affirmed, the one by it saved money and
the other made money, as in ship-owners cutting off
the spirit ration without giving its equivalent, and
gamblers and all sorts of subtle tricksters sticking to
cold water, the better to keep a cool head for business.”

“A wicked thought, indeed!” cried the stranger,
feelingly.

“Yes,” leaning over the table on his elbow and genially
gesturing at him with his forefinger: “yes, and, as
I said, you don't remark the sting of it?”

“I do, indeed. Most calumnious thought, Frank!”

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“No humor in it?”

“Not a bit!”

“Well now, Charlie,” eying him with moist regard,
“let us drink. It appears to me you don't drink
freely.”

“Oh, oh—indeed, indeed—I am not backward there.
I protest, a freer drinker than friend Charlie you will
find nowhere,” with feverish zeal snatching his glass,
but only in the sequel to dally with it. “By-the-way,
Frank,” said he, perhaps, or perhaps not, to draw attention
from himself, “by-the-way, I saw a good thing
the other day; capital thing; a panegyric on the press.
It pleased me so, I got it by heart at two readings. It
is a kind of poetry, but in a form which stands in something
the same relation to blank verse which that does
to rhyme. A sort of free-and-easy chant with refrains
to it. Shall I recite it?”

“Anything in praise of the press I shall be happy to
hear,” rejoined the cosmopolitan, “the more so,” he
gravely proceeded, “as of late I have observed in some
quarters a disposition to disparage the press.”

“Disparage the press?”

“Even so; some gloomy souls affirming that it is
proving with that great invention as with brandy or
eau-de-vie, which, upon its first discovery, was believed
by the doctors to be, as its French name implies, a panacea—
a notion which experience, it may be thought,
has not fully verified.”

“You surprise me, Frank. Are there really those who
so decry the press? Tell me more. Their reasons.”

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“Reasons they have none, but affirmations they have
many; among other things affirming that, while under
dynastic despotisms, the press is to the people little but
an improvisatore, under popular ones it is too apt to be
their Jack Cade. In fine, these sour sages regard the
press in the light of a Colt's revolver, pledged to no
cause but his in whose chance hands it may be; deeming
the one invention an improvement upon the pen,
much akin to what the other is upon the pistol; involving,
along with the multiplication of the barrel, no consecration
of the aim. The term `freedom of the press'
they consider on a par with freedom of Colt's revolver.
Hence, for truth and the right, they hold, to indulge
hopes from the one is little more sensible than for Kossuth
and Mazzini to indulge hopes from the other.
Heart-breaking views enough, you think; but their
refutation is in every true reformer's contempt. Is it
not so?”

“Without doubt. But go on, go on. I like to hear
you,” flatteringly brimming up his glass for him.

“For one,” continued the cosmopolitan, grandly
swelling his chest, “I hold the press to be neither the
people's improvisatore, nor Jack Cade; neither their
paid fool, nor conceited drudge. I think interest never
prevails with it over duty. The press still speaks for
truth though impaled, in the teeth of lies though intrenched.
Disdaining for it the poor name of cheap
diffuser of news, I claim for it the independent apostleship
of Advancer of Knowledge:—the iron Paul!
Paul, I say; for not only does the press advance

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knowledge, but righteousness. In the press, as in the sun,
resides, my dear Charlie, a dedicated principle of beneficent
force and light. For the Satanic press, by its
coappearance with the apostolic, it is no more an aspersion
to that, than to the true sun is the coappearance
of the mock one. For all the baleful-looking parhelion,
god Apollo dispenses the day. In a word, Charlie, what
the sovereign of England is titularly, I hold the press to
be actually—Defender of the Faith!—defender of the
faith in the final triumph of truth over error, metaphysics
over superstition, theory over falsehood, machinery
over nature, and the good man over the bad. Such are
my views, which, if stated at some length, you, Charlie,
must pardon, for it is a theme upon which I cannot
speak with cold brevity. And now I am impatient for
your panegyric, which, I doubt not, will put mine to
the blush.”

“It is rather in the blush-giving vein,” smiled the
other; “but such as it is, Frank, you shall have it.”

“Tell me when you are about to begin,” said the
cosmopolitan, “for, when at public dinners the press is
toasted, I always drink the toast standing, and shall
stand while you pronounce the panegyric.”

“Very good, Frank; you may stand up now.”

He accordingly did so, when the stranger likewise
rose, and uplifting the ruby wine-flask, began.

-- --

CHAPTER XXX. OPENING WITH A POETICAL EULOGY OF THE PRESS AND CONTINUING WITH TALK INSPIRED BY THE SAME.

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“`Praise be unto the press, not Faust's, but Noah's;
let us extol and magnify the press, the true press of
Noah, from which breaketh the true morning. Praise
be unto the press, not the black press but the red;
let us extol and magnify the press, the red press of Noah,
from which cometh inspiration. Ye pressmen of the
Rhineland and the Rhine, join in with all ye who tread
out the glad tidings on isle Madeira or Mitylene.—Who
giveth redness of eyes by making men long to tarry at
the fine print?—Praise be unto the press, the rosy press
of Noah, which giveth rosiness of hearts, by making men
long to tarry at the rosy wine.—Who hath babblings and
contentions? Who, without cause, inflicteth wounds?
Praise be unto the press, the kindly press of Noah,
which knitteth friends, which fuseth foes.—Who may be
bribed?—Who may be bound?—Praise be unto the press,
the free press of Noah, which will not lie for tyrants,
but make tyrants speak the truth.—Then praise be unto
the press, the frank old press of Noah; then let us
extol and magnify the press, the brave old press of Noah;

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then let us with roses garland and enwreath the press,
the grand old press of Noah, from which flow streams of
knowledge which give man a bliss no more unreal than
his pain.'”

“You deceived me,” smiled the cosmopolitan, as both
now resumed their seats; “you roguishly took advantage
of my simplicity; you archly played upon my enthusiasm.
But never mind; the offense, if any, was so charming,
I almost wish you would offend again. As for certain
poetic left-handers in your panegyric, those I cheerfully
concede to the indefinite privileges of the poet. Upon
the whole, it was quite in the lyric style—a style I always
admire on account of that spirit of Sibyllic confidence
and assurance which is, perhaps, its prime ingredient.
But come,” glancing at his companion's glass, “for a
lyrist, you let the bottle stay with you too long.”

“The lyre and the vine forever!” cried the other in
his rapture, or what seemed such, heedless of the hint,
“the vine, the vine! is it not the most graceful and
bounteous of all growths? And, by its being such, is
not something meant—divinely meant? As I live, a
vine, a Catawba vine, shall be planted on my grave!

“A genial thought; but your glass there.”

“Oh, oh,” taking a moderate sip, “but you, why don't
you drink?”

“You have forgotten, my dear Charlie, what I told
you of my previous convivialities to-day.”

“Oh,” cried the other, now in manner quite abandoned
to the lyric mood, not without contrast to the easy
sociability of his companion. “Oh, one can't drink too

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much of good old wine—the genuine, mellow old port.
Pooh, pooh! drink away.”

“Then keep me company.”

“Of course,” with a flourish, taking another sip—
“suppose we have cigars. Never mind your pipe there;
a pipe is best when alone. I say, waiter, bring some
cigars—your best.”

They were brought in a pretty little bit of western
pottery, representing some kind of Indian utensil, mummy-colored,
set down in a mass of tobacco leaves, whose
long, green fans, fancifully grouped, formed with peeps
of red the sides of the receptacle.

Accompanying it were two accessories, also bits of
pottery, but smaller, both globes; one in guise of an
apple flushed with red and gold to the life, and, through
a cleft at top, you saw it was hollow. This was for the
ashes. The other, gray, with wrinkled surface, in the
likeness of a wasp's nest, was the match-box.

“There,” said the stranger, pushing over the cigarstand,
“help yourself, and I will touch you off,” taking
a match. “Nothing like tobacco,” he added, when the
fumes of the cigar began to wreathe, glancing from the
smoker to the pottery, “I will have a Virginia tobaccoplant
set over my grave beside the Catawba vine.”

“Improvement upon your first idea, which by itself
was good—but you don't smoke.”

“Presently, presently—let me fill your glass again.
You don't drink.”

“Thank you; but no more just now. Fill your
glass.”

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“Presently, presently; do you drink on. Never
mind me. Now that it strikes me, let me say, that he
who, out of superfine gentility or fanatic morality,
denies himself tobacco, suffers a more serious abatement
in the cheap pleasures of life than the dandy in his iron
boot, or the celibate on his iron cot. While for him
who would fain revel in tobacco, but cannot, it is a thing
at which philanthropists must weep, to see such an one,
again and again, madly returning to the cigar, which,
for his incompetent stomach, he cannot enjoy, while
still, after each shameful repulse, the sweet dream of
the impossible good goads him on to his fierce misery
once more—poor eunuch!”

“I agree with you,” said the cosmopolitan, still gravely
social, “but you don't smoke.”

“Presently, presently, do you smoke on. As I was
saying about—”

“But why don't you smoke—come. You don't think
that tobacco, when in league with wine, too much enhances
the latter's vinous quality—in short, with certain
constitutions tends to impair self-possession, do you?”

“To think that, were treason to good fellowship,”
was the warm disclaimer. “No, no. But the fact is,
there is an unpropitious flavor in my mouth just now.
Ate of a diabolical ragout at dinner, so I shan't smoke
till I have washed away the lingering memento of it
with wine. But smoke away, you, and pray, don't
forget to drink. By-the-way, while we sit here so
companionably, giving loose to any companionable
nothing, your uncompanionable friend, Coonskins, is, by

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pure contrast, brought to recollection. If he were but
here now, he would see how much of real heart-joy he
denies himself by not hob-a-nobbing with his kind.”

“Why,” with loitering emphasis, slowly withdrawing
his cigar, “I thought I had undeceived you there. I
thought you had come to a better understanding of my
eccentric friend.”

“Well, I thought so, too; but first impressions will
return, you know. In truth, now that I think of it, I
am led to conjecture from chance things which dropped
from Coonskins, during the little interview I had with
him, that he is not a Missourian by birth, but years ago
came West here, a young misanthrope from the other
side of the Alleghanies, less to make his fortune, than to
flee man. Now, since they say trifles sometimes effect
great results, I shouldn't wonder, if his history were
probed, it would be found that what first indirectly gave
his sad bias to Coonskins was his disgust at reading in boyhood
the advice of Polonius to Laertes—advice which, in
the selfishness it inculcates, is almost on a par with a sort
of ballad upon the economies of money-making, to be
occasionally seen pasted against the desk of small retail
traders in New England.”

“I do hope now, my dear fellew,” said the cosmopolitan
with an air of bland protest, “that, in my presence
at least, you will throw out nothing to the prejudice of
the sons of the Puritans.”

“Hey-day and high times indeed,” exclaimed the
other, nettled, “sons of the Puritans forsooth! And
who be Puritans, that I, an Alabamaian, must do them

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reverence? A set of sourly conceited old Malvolios,
whom Shakespeare laughs his fill at in his comedies.”

“Pray, what were you about to suggest with regard
to Polonius,” observed the cosmopolitan with quiet forbearance,
expressive of the patience of a superior mind
at the petulance of an inferior one; “how do you characterize
his advice to Laertes?”

“As false, fatal, and calumnious,” exclaimed the other,
with a degree of ardor befitting one resenting a stigma
upon the family escutcheon, “and for a father to give
his son—monstrous. The case you see is this: The son
is going abroad, and for the first. What does the father?
Invoke God's blessing upon him? Put the blessed Bible
in his trunk? No. Crams him with maxims smacking
of my Lord Chesterfield, with maxims of France, with
maxims of Italy.”

“No, no, be charitable, not that. Why, does he not
among other things say:—


`The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel'?
Is that compatible with maxims of Italy?”

“Yes it is, Frank. Don't you see? Laertes is to
take the best of care of his friends—his proved friends,
on the same principal that a wine-corker takes the best
of care of his proved bottles. When a bottle gets a
sharp knock and don't break, he says, `Ah, I'll keep that
bottle.' Why? Because he loves it? No, he has particular
use for it.”

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“Dear, dear!” appealingly turning in distress, “that—
that kind of criticism is—is—in fact—it won't do.”

“Won't truth do, Frank? You are so charitable with
everybody, do but consider the tone of the speech.
Now I put it to you, Frank; is there anything in it
hortatory to high, heroic, disinterested effort? Anything
like `sell all thou hast and give to the poor?' And,
in other points, what desire seems most in the father's
mind, that his son should cherish nobleness for himself,
or be on his guard against the contrary thing in others?
An irreligious warner, Frank—no devout counselor, is
Polonius. I hate him. Nor can I bear to hear your
veterans of the world affirm, that he who steers through
life by the advice of old Polonius will not steer among
the breakers.”

“No, no—I hope nobody affirms that,” rejoined the
cosmopolitan, with tranquil abandonment; sideways reposing
his arm at full length upon the table. “I hope
nobody affirms that; because, if Polonius' advice be
taken in your sense, then the recommendation of it by
men of experience would appear to involve more or less
of an unhandsome sort of reflection upon human nature.
And yet,” with a perplexed air, “your suggestions have
put things in such a strange light to me as in fact a
little to disturb my previous notions of Polonius and
what he says. To be frank, by your ingenuity you have
unsettled me there, to that degree that were it not for
our coincidence of opinion in general, I should almost
think I was now at length beginning to feel the ill effect
of an immature mind, too much consorting with a

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mature one, except on the ground of first principles in
common.”

“Really and truly,” cried the other with a kind of
tickled modesty and pleased concern, “mine is an understanding
too weak to throw out grapnels and hug another
to it. I have indeed heard of some great scholars
in these days, whose boast is less that they have made
disciples than victims. But for me, had I the power to
do such things, I have not the heart to desire.”

“I believe you, my dear Charlie. And yet, I repeat,
by your commentaries on Polonius you have, I know
not how, unsettled me; so that now I don't exactly see
how Shakespeare meant the words he puts in Polonius'
mouth.”

“Some say that he meant them to open people's eyes;
but I don't think so.”

“Open their eyes?” echoed the cosmopolitan, slowly
expanding his; “what is there in this world for one to
open his eyes to? I mean in the sort of invidious sense
you cite?”

“Well, others say he meant to corrupt people's morals;
and still others, that he had no express intention at
all, but in effect opens their eyes and corrupts their
morals in one operation. All of which I reject.”

“Of course you reject so crude an hypothesis; and yet,
to confess, in reading Shakespeare in my closet, struck
by some passage, I have laid down the volume, and said:
`This Shakespeare is a queer man.' At times seeming
irresponsible, he does not always seem reliable. There
appears to be a certain—what shall I call it?—hidden

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sun, say, about him, at once enlightening and mystifying.
Now, I should be afraid to say what I have sometimes
thought that hidden sun might be.”

“Do you think it was the true light?” with clandestine
geniality again filling the other's glass.

“I would prefer to decline answering a categorical
question there. Shakespeare has got to be a kind of
deity. Prudent minds, having certain latent thoughts
concerning him, will reserve them in a condition of lasting
probation. Still, as touching avowable speculations,
we are permitted a tether. Shakespeare himself is to be
adored, not arraigned; but, so we do it with humility, we
may a little canvass his characters. There's his Autolycus
now, a fellow that always puzzled me. How is one
to take Autolycus? A rogue so happy, so lucky, so
triumphant, of so almost captivatingly vicious a career
that a virtuous man reduced to the poor-house (were
such a contingency conceivable), might almost long to
change sides with him. And yet, see the words put into
his mouth: `Oh,' cries Autolycus, as he comes galloping,
gay as a buck, upon the stage, `oh,' he laughs, `oh what
a fool is Honesty, and Trust, his sworn brother, a very
simple gentleman.' Think of that. Trust, that is, confidence—
that is, the thing in this universe the sacredest—
is rattingly pronounced just the simplest. And the
scenes in which the rogue figures seem purposely devised
for verification of his principles. Mind, Charlie, I
do not say it is so, far from it; but I do say it seems so.
Yes, Autolycus would seem a needy varlet acting upon
the persuasion that less is to be got by invoking pockets

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than picking them, more to be made by an expert knave
than a bungling beggar; and for this reason, as he
thinks, that the soft heads outnumber the soft hearts.
The devil's drilled recruit, Autolycus is joyous as if he
wore the livery of heaven. When disturbed by the
character and career of one thus wicked and thus happy,
my sole consolation is in the fact that no such creature
ever existed, except in the powerful imagination which
evoked him. And yet, a creature, a living creature, he
is, though only a poet was his maker. It may be, that
in that paper-and-ink investiture of his, Autolycus acts
more effectively upon mankind than he would in a flesh-and-blood
one. Can his influence be salutary? True,
in Autolycus there is humor; but though, according to
my principle, humor is in general to be held a saving
quality, yet the case of Autolycus is an exception;
because it is his humor which, so to speak, oils his
mischievousness. The bravadoing mischievousness of
Autolycus is slid into the world on humor, as a pirate
schooner, with colors flying, is launched into the sea on
greased ways.”

“I approve of Autolycus as little as you,” said the
stranger, who, during his companion's commonplaces,
had seemed less attentive to them than to maturing with
in his own mind the original conceptions destined to
eclipse them. “But I cannot believe that Autolycus,
mischievous as he must prove upon the stage, can be
near so much so as such a character as Polonius.”

“I don't know about that,” bluntly, and yet not
impolitely, returned the cosmopolitan; “to be sure,

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accepting your view of the old courtier, then if between
him and Autolycus you raise the question of unprepossessingness,
I grant you the latter comes off best. For a
moist rogue may tickle the midriff, while a dry worldling
may but wrinkle the spleen.”

“But Polonius is not dry,” said the other excitedly;
“he drules. One sees the fly-blown old fop drule and
look wise. His vile wisdom is made the viler by his
vile rheuminess. The bowing and cringing, time-serving
old sinner—is such an one to give manly precepts to
youth? The discreet, decorous, old dotard-of-state;
senile prudence; fatuous soullessness! The ribanded
old dog is paralytic all down one side, and that the side
of nobleness. His soul is gone out. Only nature's automatonism
keeps him on his legs. As with some old
trees, the bark survives the pith, and will still stand
stiffly up, though but to rim round punk, so the body
of old Polonius has outlived his soul.”

“Come, come,” said the cosmopolitan with serious air,
almost displeased; “though I yield to none in admiration
of earnestness, yet, I think, even earnestness may have
limits. To human minds, strong language is always
more or less distressing. Besides, Polonius is an old
man—as I remember him upon the stage—with snowy
locks. Now charity requires that such a figure—think
of it how you will—should at least be treated with
civility. Moreover, old age is ripeness, and I once
heard say, `Better ripe than raw.'”

“But not better rotten than raw!” bringing down his
hand with energy on the table.

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“Why, bless me,” in mild surprise contemplating his
heated comrade, “how you fly out against this unfortunate
Polonius—a being that never was, nor will be.
And yet, viewed in a Christian light,” he added pensively,
“I don't know that anger against this man of straw
is a whit less wise than anger against a man of flesh.
Madness, to be mad with anything.”

“That may be, or may not be,” returned the other, a
little testily, perhaps; “but I stick to what I said, that
it is better to be raw than rotten. And what is to be
feared on that head, may be known from this: that it is
with the best of hearts as with the best of pears—a dangerous
experiment to linger too long upon the scene.
This did Polonius. Thank fortune, Frank, I am young,
every tooth sound in my head, and if good wine can
keep me where I am, long shall I remain so.”

“True,” with a smile. “But wine, to do good, must
be drunk. You have talked much and well, Charlie;
but drunk little and indifferently—fill up.”

“Presently, presently,” with a hasty and preoccupied
air. “If I remember right, Polonius hints as much as
that one should, under no circumstances, commit the indiscretion
of aiding in a pecuniary way an unfortunate
friend. He drules out some stale stuff about `loan losing
both itself and friend,' don't he? But our bottle; is it
glued fast? Keep it moving, my dear Frank. Good
wine, and upon my soul I begin to feel it, and through
me old Polonius—yes, this wine, I fear, is what excites
me so against that detestable old dog without a tooth.”

Upon this, the cosmopolitan, cigar in mouth, slowly

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raised the bottle, and brought it slowly to the light,
looking at it steadfastly, as one might at a thermometer
in August, to see not how low it was, but how high.
Then whiffing out a puff, set it down, and said: “Well,
Charlie, if what wine you have drunk came out of this
bottle, in that case I should say that if—supposing a
case—that if one fellow had an object in getting another
fellow fuddled, and this fellow to be fuddled was of
your capacity, the operation would be comparatively
inexpensive. What do you think, Charlie?”

“Why, I think I don't much admire the supposition,”
said Charlie, with a look of resentment; “it ain't safe,
depend upon it, Frank, to venture upon too jocose suppositions
with one's friends.”

“Why, bless you, Frank, my supposition wasn't personal,
but general. You mustn't be so touchy.”

“If I am touchy it is the wine. Sometimes, when I
freely drink, it it has a touchy effect on me, I have observed.”

“Freely drink? you haven't drunk the perfect measure
of one glass, yet. While for me, this must be my
fourth or fifth, thanks to your importunity; not to speak
of all I drank this morning, for old acquaintance' sake.
Drink, drink; you must drink.”

“Oh, I drink while you are talking,” laughed the
other; “you have not noticed it, but I have drunk my
share. Have a queer way I learned from a sedate old
uncle, who used to tip off his glass unperceived. Do
you fill up, and my glass, too. There! Now away
with that stump, and have a new cigar. Good

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fellowship forever!” again in the lyric mood. “Say, Frank,
are we not men? I say are we not human? Tell me,
were they not human who engendered us, as before
heaven I believe they shall be whom we shall engender?
Fill up, up, up, my friend. Let the ruby tide aspire,
and all ruby aspirations with it! Up, fill up! Be we
convivial. And conviviality, what is it? The word, I
mean; what expresses it? A living together. But
bats live together, and did you ever hear of convivial
bats?”

“If I ever did,” observed the cosmopolitan, “it has
quite slipped my recollection.”

“But why did you never hear of convivial bats, nor
anybody else? Because bats, though they live together,
live not together genially. Bats are not genial souls.
But men are; and how delightful to think that the word
which among men signifies the highest pitch of geniality,
implies, as indispensable auxiliary, the cheery
benediction of the bottle. Yes, Frank, to live together
in the finest sense, we must drink together. And so,
what wonder that he who loves not wine, that sober
wretch has a lean heart—a heart like a wrung-out old
bluing-bag, and loves not his kind? Out upon him, to
the rag-house with him, hang him—the ungenial
soul!”

“Oh, now, now, can't you be convivial without being
censorious? I like easy, unexcited conviviality. For
the sober man, really, though for my part I naturally
love a cheerful glass, I will not prescribe my nature as
the law to other natures. So don't abuse the sober

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man. Conviviality is one good thing, and sobriety is
another good thing. So don't be one-sided.”

“Well, if I am one-sided, it is the wine. Indeed, indeed,
I have indulged too genially. My excitement
upon slight provocation shows it. But yours is a
stronger head; drink you. By the way, talking of geniality,
it is much on the increase in these days, ain't
it?”

“It is, and I hail the fact. Nothing better attests
the advance of the humanitarian spirit. In former and
less humanitarian ages—the ages of amphitheatres and
gladiators—geniality was mostly confined to the fireside
and table. But in our age—the age of joint-stock companies
and free-and-easies—it is with this precious
quality as with precious gold in old Peru, which Pizarro
found making up the scullion's sauce-pot as the Inca's
crown. Yes, we golden boys, the moderns, have geniality
everwhere—a bounty broadcast like noonlight.”

“True, true; my sentiments again. Geniality has
invaded each department and profession. We have genial
senators, genial authors, genial lecturers, genial
doctors, genial clergymen, genial surgeons, and the next
thing we shall have genial hangmen.”

“As to the last-named sort of person,” said the cosmopolitan,
“I trust that the advancing spirit of geniality
will at last enable us to dispense with him. No murderers—
no hangmen. And surely, when the whole
world shall have been genialized, it will be as out of
place to talk of murderers, as in a Christianized world
to talk of sinners.”

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“To pursue the thought,” said the other, “every
blessing is attended with some evil, and—”

“Stay,” said the cosmopolitan, “that may be better
let pass for a loose saying, than for hopeful doctrine.”

“Well, assuming the saying's truth, it would apply
to the future supremacy of the genial spirit, since then
it will fare with the hangman as it did with the weaver
when the spinning-jenny whizzed into the ascendant.
Thrown out of employment, what could Jack Ketch
turn his hand to? Butchering?”

“That he could turn his hand to it seems probable;
but that, under the circumstances, it would be appropriate,
might in some minds admit of a question. For one,
I am inclined to think—and I trust it will not be held
fastidiousness—that it would hardly be suitable to the
dignity of our nature, that an individual, once employed
in attending the last hours of human unfortunates,
should, that office being extinct, transfer himself to the
business of attending the last hours of unfortunate cattle.
I would suggest that the individual turn valet—a
vocation to which he would, perhaps, appear not wholly
inadapted by his familiar dexterity about the person. In
particular, for giving a finishing tie to a gentleman's
cravat, I know few who would, in all likelihood, be,
from previous occupation, better fitted than the professional
person in question.”

“Are you in earnest?” regarding the serene speaker
with unaffected curiosity; “are you really in earnest?”

“I trust I am never otherwise,” was the mildly earnest
reply; “but talking of the advance of geniality, I

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am not without hopes that it will eventually exert its
influence even upon so difficult a subject as the misanthrope.”

“A genial misanthrope! I thought I had stretched
the rope pretty hard in talking of genial hangmen. A
genial misanthrope is no more conceivable than a surly
philanthropist.”

“True,” lightly depositing in an unbroken little
cylinder the ashes of his cigar, “true, the two you
name are well opposed.”

“Why, you talk as if there was such a being as a
surly philanthropist.”

“I do. My eccentric friend, whom you call Coonskins,
is an example. Does he not, as I explained to
you, hide under a surly air a philanthropic heart?
Now, the genial misanthrope, when, in the process of
eras, he shall turn up, will be the converse of this; under
an affable air, he will hide a misanthropical heart.
In short, the genial misanthrope will be a new kind of
monster, but still no small improvement upon the original
one, since, instead of making faces and throwing
stones at people, like that poor old crazy man, Timon,
he will take steps, fiddle in hand, and set the tickled
world a' dancing. In a word, as the progress of Christianization
mellows those in manner whom it cannot
mend in mind, much the same will it prove with the
progress of genialization. And so, thanks to geniality,
the misanthrope, reclaimed from his boorish address, will
take on refinement and softness—to so genial a degree,
indeed, that it may possibly fall out that the misanthrope

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of the coming century will be almost as popular as, I
am sincerely sorry to say, some philanthropists of the
present time would seem not to be, as witness my eccentric
friend named before.”

“Well,” cried the other, a little weary, perhaps, of a
speculation so abstract, “well, however it may be with
the century to come, certainly in the century which is,
whatever else one may be, he must be genial or he is
nothing. So fill up, fill up, and be genial!”

“I am trying my best,” said the cosmopolitan, still
calmly companionable. “A moment since, we talked
of Pizarro, gold, and Peru; no doubt, now, you remember
that when the Spaniard first entered Atahalpa's treasure-chamber,
and saw such profusion of plate stacked
up, right and left, with the wantonness of old barrels in
a brewer's yard, the needy fellow felt a twinge of misgiving,
of want of confidence, as to the genuineness of
an opulence so profuse. He went about rapping the
shining vases with his knuckles. But it was all gold,
pure gold, good gold, sterling gold, which how cheerfully
would have been stamped such at Goldsmiths'
Hall. And just so those needy minds, which, through
their own insincerity, having no confidence in mankind,
doubt lest the liberal geniality of this age be spurious.
They are small Pizarros in their way—by the
very princeliness of men's geniality stunned into distrust
of it.”

“Far be such distrust from you and me, my genial
friend,” cried the other fervently; “fill up, fill up!”

“Well, this all along seems a division of labor,”

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smiled the cosmopolitan. “I do about all the drinking,
and you do about all—the genial. But yours is a nature
competent to do that to a large population. And now,
my friend,” with a peculiarly grave air, evidently foreshadowing
something not unimportant, and very likely
of close personal interest; “wine, you know, opens the
heart, and—”

“Opens it!” with exultation, “it thaws it right out.
Every heart is ice-bound till wine melt it, and reveal the
tender grass and sweet herbage budding below, with
every dear secret, hidden before like a dropped jewel in a
snow-bank, lying there unsuspected through winter till
spring.”

“And just in that way, my dear Charlie, is one of
my little secrets now to be shown forth.”

“Ah!” eagerly moving round his chair, “what is it?”

“Be not so impetuous, my dear Charlie. Let me
explain. You see, naturally, I am a man not overgifted
with assurance; in general, I am, if anything, diffidently
reserved; so, if I shall presently seem otherwise, the reason
is, that you, by the geniality you have evinced in all
your talk, and especially the noble way in which, while
affirming your good opinion of men, you intimated that
you never could prove false to any man, but most by
your indignation at a particularly illiberal passage in
Polonius' advice—in short, in short,” with extreme embarrassment,
“how shall I express what I mean, unless
I add that by your whole character you impel me to
throw myself upon your nobleness; in one word, put
confidence in you, a generous confidence?”

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“I see, I see,” with heightened interest, “something
of moment you wish to confide. Now, what is it,
Frank? Love affair?”

“No, not that.”

“What, then, my dear Frank? Speak—depend upon
me to the last. Out with it.”

“Out it shall come, then,” said the cosmopolitan
“I am in want, urgent want, of money.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXXI. A METAMORPHOSIS MORE SUPRISING THAN ANY IN OVID.

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In want of money!” pushing back his chair as
from a suddenly-disclosed man-trap or crater.

“Yes,” naïvely assented the cosmopolitan, “and you
are going to loan me fifty dollars. I could almost wish
I was in need of more, only for your sake. Yes, my
dear Charlie, for your sake; that you might the better
prove your noble kindliness, my dear Charlie.”

“None of your dear Charlies,” cried the other,
springing to his feet, and buttoning up his coat, as if
hastily to depart upon a long journey.

“Why, why, why?” painfully looking up.

“None of your why, why, whys!” tossing out a foot,
“go to the devil, sir! Beggar, impostor!—never so
deceived in a man in my life.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXXII. SHOWING THAT THE AGE OF MAGIC AND MAGICIANS IS NOT YET OVER.

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While speaking or rather hissing those words, the
boon companion underwent much such a change as one
reads of in fairy-books. Out of old materials sprang a
new creature. Cadmus glided into the snake.

The cosmopolitan rose, the traces of previous feeling
vanished; looked steadfastly at his transformed friend a
moment, then, taking ten half-eagles from his pocket,
stooped down, and laid them, one by one, in a circle
round him; and, retiring a pace, waved his long tasseled
pipe with the air of a necromancer, an air heightened
by his costume, accompanying each wave with a solemn
murmur of cabalistical words.

Meantime, he within the magic-ring stood suddenly
rapt, exhibiting every symptom of a successful charm—
a turned cheek, a fixed attitude, a frozen eye; spellbound,
not more by the waving wand than by the ten
invincible talismans on the floor.

“Reappear, reappear, reappear, oh, my former friend!
Replace this hideous apparition with thy blest shape,
and be the token of thy return the words, `My dear
Frank.'”

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“My dear Frank,” now cried the restored friend,
cordially stepping out of the ring, with regained self-possession
regaining lost identity, “My dear Frank,
what a funny man you are; full of fun as an egg of
meat. How could you tell me that absurd story of
your being in need? But I relish a good joke too well
to spoil it by letting on. Of course, I humored the
thing; and, on my side, put on all the cruel airs you
would have me. Come, this little episode of fictitious
estrangement will but enhance the delightful reality.
Let us sit down again, and finish our bottle.”

“With all my heart,” said the cosmopolitan, dropping
the necromancer with the same facility with which he
had assumed it. “Yes,” he added, soberly picking
up the gold pieces, and returning them with a chink to
his pocket, “yes, I am something of a funny man now
and then; while for you, Charlie,” eying him in tenderness,
“what you say about your humoring the thing is
true enough; never did man second a joke better than
you did just now. You played your part better than I
did mine; you played it, Charlie, to the life.”

“You see, I once belonged to an amateur play
company; that accounts for it. But come, fill up,
and let's talk of something else.”

“Well,” acquiesced the cosmopolitan, seating himself,
and quietly brimming his glass, “what shall we talk
about?”

“Oh, anything you please,” a sort of nervously
accommodating.

“Well, suppose we talk about Charlemont?”

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“Charlemont? What's Charlemont? Who's Charlemont?”

“You shall hear, my dear Charlie,” answered the
cosmopolitan. “I will tell you the story of Charlemont,
the gentleman-madman.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXXIII. WHICH MAY PASS FOR WHATEVER IT MAY PROVE TO BE WORTH.

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But ere be given the rather grave story of Charlemont,
a reply must in civility be made to a certain voice
which methinks I hear, that, in view of past chapters,
and more particularly the last, where certain antics appear,
exclaims: How unreal all this is! Who did ever
dress or act like your cosmopolitan? And who, it
might be returned, did ever dress or act like harlequin?

Strange, that in a work of amusement, this severe
fidelity to real life should be exacted by any one, who,
by taking up such a work, sufficiently shows that he is
not unwilling to drop real life, and turn, for a time, to
something different. Yes, it is, indeed, strange that any
one should clamor for the thing he is weary of; that any
one, who, for any cause, finds real life dull, should yet
demand of him who is to divert his attention from it,
that he should be true to that dullness.

There is another class, and with this class we side,
who sit down to a work of amusement tolerantly as they
sit at a play, and with much the same expectations and
feelings. They look that fancy shall evoke scenes different
from those of the same old crowd round the

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customhouse counter, and same old dishes on the boardinghouse
table, with characters unlike those of the same
old acquaintances they meet in the same old way every
day in the same old street. And as, in real life, the proprieties
will not allow people to act out themselves with
that unreserve permitted to the stage; so, in books of
fiction, they look not only for more entertainment, but,
at bottom, even for more reality, than real life itself can
show. Thus, though they want novelty, they want
nature, too; but nature unfettered, exhilarated, in effect
transformed. In this way of thinking, the people in a
fiction, like the people in a play, must dress as nobody
exactly dresses, talk as nobody exactly talks, act as
nobody exactly acts. It is with fiction as with religion:
it should present another world, and yet one to which
we feel the tie.

If, then, something is to be pardoned to well-meant
endeavor, surely a little is to be allowed to that writer
who, in all his scenes, does but seek to minister to what,
as he understands it, is the implied wish of the more
indulgent lovers of entertainment, before whom harlequin
can never appear in a coat too parti-colored, or cut
capers too fantastic.

One word more. Though every one knows how
bootless it is to be in all cases vindicating one's self, never
mind how convinced one may be that he is never in the
wrong; yet, so precious to man is the approbation of
his kind, that to rest, though but under an imaginary
censure applied to but a work of imagination, is no easy
thing. The mention of this weakness will explain why

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all such readers as may think they perceive something
inharmonious between the boisterous hilarity of the
cosmopolitan with the bristling cynic, and his restrained
good-nature with the boon-companion, are now referred
to that chapter where some similar apparent inconsistency
in another character is, on general principles,
modestly endeavored to be apologized for.

-- --

CHAPTER XXXIV. IN WHICH THE COSMOPOLITAN TELLS THE STORY OF THE GENTLEMANMADMAN.

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Charlemont was a young merchant of French
descent, living in St. Louis—a man not deficient in
mind, and possessed of that sterling and captivating
kindliness, seldom in perfection seen but in youthful
bachelors, united at times to a remarkable sort of gracefully
devil-may-care and witty good-humor. Of course, he
was admired by everybody, and loved, as only mankind
can love, by not a few. But in his twenty-ninth year
a change came over him. Like one whose hair turns
gray in a night, so in a day Charlemont turned from
affable to morose. His acquaintances were passed without
greeting; while, as for his confidential friends, them
he pointedly, unscrupulously, and with a kind of fierceness,
cut dead.

“One, provoked by such conduct, would fain have
resented it with words as disdainful; while another,
shocked by the change, and, in concern for a friend,
magnanimously overlooking affronts, implored to know
what sudden, secret grief had distempered him. But

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from resentment and from tenderness Charlemont alike
turned away.

“Ere long, to the general surprise, the merchant
Charlemont was gazetted, and the same day it was reported
that he had withdrawn from town, but not
before placing his entire property in the hands of responsible
assigness for the benefit of creditors.

“Whither he had vanished, none could guess. At
length, nothing being heard, it was surmised that he
must have made away with himself—a surmise, doubtless,
originating in the remembrance of the change some
months previous to his bankruptcy—a change of a sort
only to be ascribed to a mind suddenly thrown from its
balance.

“Years passed. It was spring-time, and lo, one
bright morning, Charlemont lounged into the St. Louis
coffee-houses—gay, polite, humane, companionable, and
dressed in the height of costly elegance. Not only was
he alive, but he was himself again. Upon meeting with
old acquaintances, he made the first advances, and in
such a manner that it was impossible not to meet him
half-way. Upon other old friends, whom he did not
chance casually to meet, he either personally called, or
left his card and compliments for them; and to several,
sent presents of game or hampers of wine.

“They say the world is sometimes harshly unforgiving,
but it was not so to Charlemont. The world
feels a return of love for one who returns to it as he
did. Expressive of its renewed interest was a whisper,
an inquiring whisper, how now, exactly, so long after

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his bankruptcy, it fared with Charlemont's purse.
Rumor, seldom at a loss for answers, replied that he had
spent nine years in Marseilles in France, and there acquiring
a second fortune, had returned with it, a man
devoted henceforth to genial friendships.

“Added years went by, and the restored wanderer
still the same; or rather, by his noble qualities, grew up
like golden maize in the encouraging sun of good
opinions. But still the latent wonder was, what had
caused that change in him at a period when, pretty much
as now, he was, to all appearance, in the possession of
the same fortune, the same friends, the same popularity.
But nobody thought it would be the thing to question
him here.

“At last, at a dinner at his house, when all the guests
but one had successively departed; this remaining
guest, an old acquaintance, being just enough under
the influence of wine to set aside the fear of touching
upon a delicate point, ventured, in a way which perhaps
spoke more favorably for his heart than his tact, to beg
of his host to explain the one enigma of his life. Deep
melancholy overspread the before cheery face of Charlemont;
he sat for some moments tremulously silent; then
pushing a full decanter towards the guest, in a choked
voice, said: `No, no! when by art, and care, and time,
flowers are made to bloom over a grave, who would
seek to dig all up again only to know the mystery?—
The wine.' When both glasses were filled, Charlemont
took his, and lifting it, added lowly: `If ever, in days
to come, you shall see ruin at hand, and, thinking you

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understand mankind, shall tremble for your friendships,
and tremble for your pride; and, partly through love
for the one and fear for the other, shall resolve to be
beforehand with the world, and save it from a sin by
prospectively taking that sin to yourself, then will you
do as one I now dream of once did, and like him will
you suffer; but how fortunate and how grateful should
you be, if like him, after all that had happened, you
could be a little happy again.'

“When the guest went away, it was with the persuasion,
that though outwardly restored in mind as in
fortune, yet, some taint of Charlemont's old malady
survived, and that it was not well for friends to touch
one dangerous string.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXXV. IN WHICH THE COSMOPOLITAN STRIKINGLY EVINCES THE ARTLESSNESS OF HIS NATURE.

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Well, what do you think of the story of Charlemont?”
mildly asked he who had told it.

“A very strange one,” answered the auditor, who had
been such not with perfect ease, “but is it true?”

“Of course not; it is a story which I told with
the purpose of every story-teller—to amuse. Hence, if
it seem strange to you, that strangeness is the romance;
it is what contrasts it with real life; it is the invention,
in brief, the fiction as opposed to the fact. For do but
ask yourself, my dear Charlie,” lovingly leaning over towards
him, “I rest it with your own heart now, whether
such a forereaching motive as Charlemont hinted
he had acted on in his change—whether such a motive,
I say, were a sort of one at all justified by the nature
of human society? Would you, for one, turn the
cold shoulder to a friend—a convivial one, say, whose
pennilessness should be suddenly revealed to you?”

“How can you ask me, my dear Frank? You know
I would scorn such meanness.” But rising somewhat
disconcerted—“really, early as it is, I think I must

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retire; my head,” putting up his hand to it, “feels unpleasantly;
this confounded elixir of logwood, little as I
drank of it, has played the deuce with me.”

“Little as you drank of this elixir of logwood? Why,
Charlie, you are losing your mind. To talk so of the
genuine, mellow old port. Yes, I think that by all
means you had better away, and sleep it off. There—
don't apologize—don't explain—go, go—I understand
you exactly. I will see you to-morrow.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXXVI. IN WHICH THE COSMOPOLITAN IS ACCOSTED BY A MYSTIC, WHEREUPON ENSUES PRETTY MUCH SUCH TALK AS MIGHT BE EXPECTED.

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As, not without some haste, the boon companion withdrew,
a stranger advanced, and touching the cosmopolitan,
said: “I think I heard you say you would see that
man again. Be warned; don't you do so.”

He turned, surveying the speaker; a blue-eyed man,
sandy-haired, and Saxon-looking; perhaps five and
forty; tall, and, but for a certain angularity, well made;
little touch of the drawing-room about him, but a look of
plain propriety of a Puritan sort, with a kind of farmer
dignity. His age seemed betokened more by his brow,
placidly thoughtful, than by his general aspect, which
had that look of youthfulness in maturity, peculiar
sometimes to habitual health of body, the original gift
of nature, or in part the effect or reward of steady temperance
of the passions, kept so, perhaps, by constitution
as much as morality. A neat, comely, almost
ruddy cheek, coolly fresh, like a red clover-blossom at
coolish dawn—the color of warmth preserved by the
virtue of chill. Toning the whole man, was one-knows-not-what
of shrewdness and mythiness, strangely

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jumbled; in that way, he seemed a kind of cross between
a Yankee peddler and a Tartar priest, though it seemed
as if, at a pinch, the first would not in all probability
play second fiddle to the last.

“Sir,” said the cosmopolitan, rising and bowing with
slow dignity, “if I cannot with unmixed satisfaction
hail a hint pointed at one who has just been clinking
the social glass with me, on the other hand, I am not
disposed to underrate the motive which, in the present
case, could alone have prompted such an intimation.
My friend, whose seat is still warm, has retired for the
night, leaving more or less in his bottle here. Pray, sit
down in his seat, and partake with me; and then, if
you choose to hint aught further unfavorable to the man,
the genial warmth of whose person in part passes into
yours, and whose genial hospitality meanders through
you—be it so.”

“Quite beautiful conceits,” said the stranger, now
scholastically and artistically eying the picturesque
speaker, as if he were a statue in the Pitti Palace;
“very beautiful:” then with the gravest interest,
“yours, sir, if I mistake not, must be a beautiful soul—
one full of all love and truth; for where beauty is,
there must those be.”

“A pleasing belief,” rejoined the cosmopolitan, beginning
with an even air, “and to confess, long ago it
pleased me. Yes, with you and Schiller, I am pleased
to believe that beauty is at bottom incompatible with
ill, and therefore am so eccentric as to have confidence
in the latent benignity of that beautiful creature, the

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rattle-snake, whose lithe neck and burnished maze of
tawny gold, as he sleekly curls aloft in the sun, who on
the prairie can behold without wonder?”

As he breathed these words, he seemed so to enter
into their spirit—as some earnest descriptive speakers
will—as unconsciously to wreathe his form and sidelong
crest his head, till he all but seemed the creature described.
Meantime, the stranger regarded him with
little surprise, apparently, though with much contemplativeness
of a mystical sort, and presently said:
“When charmed by the beauty of that viper, did it
never occur to you to change personalities with him?
to feel what it was to be a snake? to glide unsuspected
in grass? to sting, to kill at a touch; your whole beautiful
body one iridescent scabbard of death? In short,
did the wish never occur to you to feel yourself exempt
from knowledge, and conscience, and revel for a while
in the care-free, joyous life of a perfectly instinctive,
unscrupulous, and irresponsible creature?”

“Such a wish,” replied the other, not perceptibly
disturbed, “I must confess, never consciously was
mine. Such a wish, indeed, could hardly occur to ordinary
imaginations, and mine I cannot think much
above the average.”

“But now that the idea is suggested,” said the
stranger, with infantile intellectuality, “does it not
raise the desire?”

“Hardly. For though I do not think I have any uncharitable
prejudice against the rattle-snake, still, I
should not like to be one. If I were a rattle-snake now,

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there would be no such thing as being genial with men—
men would be afraid of me, and then I should be a very
lonesome and miserable rattle-snake.”

“True, men would be afraid of you. And why?
Because of your rattle, your hollow rattle—a sound, as
I have been told, like the shaking together of small, dry
skulls in a tune of the Waltz of Death. And here we
have another beautiful truth. When any creature is by
its make inimical to other creatures, nature in effect
labels that creature, much as an apothecary does a
poison. So that whoever is destroyed by a rattle-snake,
or other harmful agent, it is his own fault. He should
have respected the label. Hence that significant passage
in Scripture, `Who will pity the charmer that is
bitten with a serpent?'”

I would pity him,” said the cosmopolitan, a little
bluntly, perhaps.

“But don't you think,” rejoined the other, still maintaining
his passionless air, “don't you think, that for a
man to pity where nature is pitiless, is a little presuming?”

“Let casuists decide the casuistry, but the compassion
the heart decides for itself. But, sir,” deepening in
seriousness, “as I now for the first realize, you but a
moment since introduced the word irresponsible in a
way I am not used to. Now, sir, though, out of a tolerant
spirit, as I hope, I try my best never to be
frightened at any speculation, so long as it is pursued in
honesty, yet, for once, I must acknowledge that you do
really, in the point cited, cause me uneasiness; because

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a proper view of the universe, that view which is suited
to breed a proper confidence, teaches, if I err not, that
since all things are justly presided over, not very many
living agents but must be some way accountable.”

“Is a rattle-snake accountable?” asked the stranger
with such a preternaturally cold, gemmy glance out of
his pellucid blue eye, that he seemed more a metaphysical
merman than a feeling man; “is a rattle-snake
accountable?”

“If I will not affirm that it is,” returned the other,
with the caution of no inexperienced thinker, “neither
will I deny it. But if we suppose it so, I need not say
that such accountability is neither to you, nor me, nor
the Court of Common Pleas, but to something superior.”

He was proceeding, when the stranger would have
interrupted him; but as reading his argument in his eye,
the cosmopolitan, without waiting for it to be put into
words, at once spoke to it: “You object to my supposition,
for but such it is, that the rattle-snake's
accountability is not by nature manifest; but might not
much the same thing be urged against man's? A
reductio ad absurdum, proving the objection vain. But
if now,” he continued, “you consider what capacity
for mischief there is in a rattle-snake (observe, I do not
charge it with being mischievous, I but say it has the
capacity), could you well avoid admitting that that
would be no symmetrical view of the universe which
should maintain that, while to man it is forbidden to
kill, without judicial cause, his fellow, yet the

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rattlesnake has an implied permit of unaccountability to
murder any creature it takes capricious umbrage at—man
included?—But,” with a wearied air, “this is no genial
talk; at least it is not so to me. Zeal at unawares embarked
me in it. I regret it. Pray, sit down, and take
some of this wine.”

“Your suggestions are new to me,” said the other,
with a kind of condescending appreciativeness, as of
one who, out of devotion to knowledge, disdains not to
appropriate the least crumb of it, even from a pauper's
board; “and, as I am a very Athenian in hailing a new
thought, I cannot consent to let it drop so abruptly.
Now, the rattle-snake—”

“Nothing more about rattle-snakes, I beseech,” in
distress; “I must positively decline to reënter upon
that subject. Sit down, sir, I beg, and take some of this
wine.”

“To invite me to sit down with you is hospitable,”
collectedly acquiescing now in the change of topics;
“and hospitality being fabled to be of oriental origin,
and forming, as it does, the subject of a pleasing Arabian
romance, as well as being a very romantic thing in itself—
hence I always hear the expressions of hospitality
with pleasure. But, as for the wine, my regard for
that beverage is so extreme, and I am so fearful of letting
it sate me, that I keep my love for it in the lasting
condition of an untried abstraction. Briefly, I quaff
immense draughts of wine from the page of Hafiz, but
wine from a cup I seldom as much as sip.”

The cosmopolitan turned a mild glance upon the

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speaker, who, now occupying the chair opposite him, sat
there purely and coldly radiant as a prism. It seemed
as if one could almost hear him vitreously chime and
ring. That moment a waiter passed, whom, arresting
with a sign, the cosmopolitan bid go bring a goblet of
ice-water. “Ice it well, waiter,” said he; “and now,”
turning to the stranger, “will you, if you please, give
me your reason for the warning words you first addressed
to me?”

“I hope they were not such warnings as most warnings
are,” said the stranger; “warnings which do not
forewarn, but in mockery come after the fact. And yet
something in you bids me think now, that whatever
latent design your impostor friend might have had upon
you, it as yet remains unaccomplished. You read his
label.”

“And what did it say? `This is a genial soul.' So
you see you must either give up your doctrine of labels,
or else your prejudice against my friend. But tell me,”
with renewed earnestness, “what do you take him for?
What is he?”

“What are you? What am I? Nobody knows who
anybody is. The data which life furnishes, towards
forming a true estimate of any being, are as insufficient
to that end as in geometry one side given would be to
determine the triangle.”

“But is not this doctrine of triangles someway inconsistent
with your doctrine of labels?”

“Yes; but what of that? I seldom care to be consistent.
In a philosophical view, consistency is a certain

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level at all times, maintained in all the thoughts of
one's mind. But, since nature is nearly all hill and
dale, how can one keep naturally advancing in knowledge
without submitting to the natural inequalities in
the progress? Advance into knowledge is just like
advance upon the grand Erie canal, where, from the
character of the country, change of level is inevitable;
you are locked up and locked down with perpetual
inconsistencies, and yet all the time you get on; while
the dullest part of the whole route is what the boatmen
call the `long level'—a consistently-flat surface of sixty
miles through stagnant swamps.”

“In one particular,” rejoined the cosmopolitan, “your
simile is, perhaps, unfortunate. For, after all these
weary lockings-up and lockings-down, upon how much
of a higher plain do you finally stand? Enough to make
it an object? Having from youth been taught reverence
for knowledge, you must pardon me if, on but this one
account, I reject your analogy. But really you someway
bewitch me with your tempting discourse, so that
I keep straying from my point unawares. You tell me
you cannot certainly know who or what my friend is;
pray, what do you conjecture him to be?”

“I conjecture him to be what, among the ancient
Egyptians, was called a —” using some unknown
word.

“A —! And what is that?”

“A — is what Proclus, in a little note to his third
book on the theology of Plato, defines as — —”
coming out with a sentence of Greek.

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Holding up his glass, and steadily looking through its
transparency, the cosmopolitan rejoined: “That, in so
defining the thing, Proclus set it to modern understandings
in the most crystal light it was susceptible of, I
will not rashly deny; still, if you could put the defition
in words suited to perceptions like mine, I should
take it for a favor.

“A favor!” slightly lifting his cool eyebrows; “a
bridal favor I understand, a knot of white ribands, a
very beautiful type of the purity of true marriage; but of
other favors I am yet to learn; and still, in a vague way,
the word, as you employ it, strikes me as unpleasingly
significant in general of some poor, unheroic submission
to being done good to.”

Here the goblet of iced-water was brought, and, in
compliance with a sign from the cosmopolitan, was
placed before the stranger, who, not before expressing
acknowledgments, took a draught, apparently refreshing—
its very coldness, as with some is the case, proving
not entirely uncongenial.

At last, setting down the goblet, and gently wiping
from his lips the beads of water freshly clinging there
as to the valve of a coral-shell upon a reef, he turned
upon the cosmopolitan, and, in a manner the most cool,
self-possessed, and matter-of-fact possible, said: “I hold
to the metempsychosis; and whoever I may be now, I
feel that I was once the stoic Arrian, and have inklings
of having been equally puzzled by a word in the current
language of that former time, very probably answering
to your word favor.

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“Would you favor me by explaining?” said the cosmopolitan,
blandly.

“Sir,” responded the stranger, with a very slight
degree of severity, “I like lucidity, of all things, and
am afraid I shall hardly be able to converse satisfactorily
with you, unless you bear it in mind.”

The cosmopolitan ruminatingly eyed him awhile, then
said: “The best way, as I have heard, to get out of a
labyrinth, is to retrace one's steps. I will accordingly
retrace mine, and beg you will accompany me. In
short, once again to return to the point: for what
reason did you warn me against my friend?”

“Briefly, then, and clearly, because, as before said, I
conjecture him to be what, among the ancient Egyptians—”

“Pray, now,” earnestly deprecated the cosmopolitan,
“pray, now, why disturb the repose of those ancient
Egyptians? What to us are their words or their
thoughts? Are we pauper Arabs, without a house of
our own, that, with the mummies, we must turn squatters
among the dust of the Catacombs?”

“Pharaoh's poorest brick-maker lies proudlier in his
rags than the Emperor of all the Russias in his hollands,”
oracularly said the stranger; “for death, though
in a worm, is majestic; while life, though in a king, is
contemptible. So talk not against mummies. It is a
part of my mission to teach mankind a due reverence
for mummies.”

Fortunately, to arrest these incoherencies, or rather,
to vary them, a haggard, inspired-looking man now

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approached—a crazy beggar, asking alms under the form
of peddling a rhapsodical tract, composed by himself,
and setting forth his claims to some rhapsodical apostleship.
Though ragged and dirty, there was about him
no touch of vulgarity; for, by nature, his manner was
not unrefined, his frame slender, and appeared the more
so from the broad, untanned frontlet of his brow, tangled
over with a disheveled mass of raven curls, throwing a
still deeper tinge upon a complexion like that of a
shriveled berry. Nothing could exceed his look of picturesque
Italian ruin and dethronement, heightened by
what seemed just one glimmering peep of reason, insufficient
to do him any lasting good, but enough, perhaps,
to suggest a torment of latent doubts at times, whether
his addled dream of glory were true.

Accepting the tract offered him, the cosmopolitan
glanced over it, and, seeming to see just what it was, closed
it, put it in his pocket, eyed the man a moment, then,
leaning over and presenting him with a shilling, said to
him, in tones kind and considerate: “I am sorry, my
friend, that I happen to be engaged just now; but,
having purchased your work, I promise myself much
satisfaction in its perusal at my earliest leisure.”

In his tattered, single-breasted frock-coat, buttoned
meagerly up to his chin, the shatter-brain made him a
bow, which, for courtesy, would not have misbecome a
viscount, then turned with silent appeal to the stranger.
But the stranger sat more like a cold prism than ever,
while an expression of keen Yankee cuteness, now replacing
his former mystical one, lent added icicles to his

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aspect. His whole air said: “Nothing from me.” The
repulsed petitioner threw a look full of resentful pride
and cracked disdain upon him, and went his way.

“Come, now,” said the cosmopolitan, a little reproachfully,
“you ought to have sympathized with that man;
tell me, did you feel no fellow-feeling? Look at his
tract here, quite in the transcendental vein.”

“Excuse me,” said the stranger, declining the tract,
“I never patronize scoundrels.”

“Scoundrels?”

“I detected in him, sir, a damning peep of sense—
damning, I say; for sense in a seeming madman is scoundrelism.
I take him for a cunning vagabond, who picks
up a vagabond living by adroitly playing the madman.
Did you not remark how he flinched under my eye?'

“Really,” drawing a long, astonished breath, “I could
hardly have divined in you a temper so subtlely distrustful.
Flinched? to be sure he did, poor fellow;
you received him with so lame a welcome. As for his
adroitly playing the madman, invidious critics might
object the same to some one or two strolling magi of
these days. But that is a matter I know nothing about.
But, once more, and for the last time, to return to the
point: why sir, did you warn me against my friend? I
shall rejoice, if, as I think it will prove, your want of
confidence in my friend rests upon a basis equally slender
with your distrust of the lunatic. Come, why did you
warn me? Put it, I beseech, in few words, and those
English.”

“I warned you against him because he is suspected

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for what on these boats is known—so they tell me—as
a Mississippi operator.”

“An operator, ah? he operates, does he? My friend,
then is something like what the Indians call a Great
Medicine, is he? He operates, he purges, he drains off
the repletions.”

“I perceive, sir,” said the stranger, constitutionally
obtuse to the pleasant drollery, “that your notion, of
what is called a Great Medicine, needs correction. The
Great Medicine among the Indians is less a bolus than a
man in grave esteem for his politic sagacity.”

“And is not my friend politic? Is not my friend sagacious?
By your own definition, is not my friend a Great
Medicine?”

“No, he is an operator, a Mississippi operator; an
equivocal character. That he is such, I little doubt,
having had him pointed out to me as such by one desirous
of initiating me into any little novelty of this
western region, where I never before traveled. And,
sir, if I am not mistaken, you also are a stranger here
(but, indeed, where in this strange universe is not one a
stranger?) and that is a reason why I felt moved to warn
you against a companion who could not be otherwise
than perilous to one of a free and trustful disposition.
But I repeat the hope, that, thus far at least, he has not
succeeded with you, and trust that, for the future, he
will not.”

“Thank you for your concern; but hardly can I equally
thank you for so steadily maintaining the hypothesis
of my friend's objectionableness. True, I but made his

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acquaintance for the first to-day, and know little of his
antecedents; but that would seem no just reason why a
nature like his should not of itself inspire confidence.
And since your own knowledge of the gentleman is not,
by your account, so exact as it might be, you will pardon
me if I decline to welcome any further suggestions unflattering
to him. Indeed, sir,” with friendly decision,
“let us change the subject.”

-- --

CHAPTER XXXVII. THE MYSTICAL MASTER INTRODUCES THE PRACTICAL DISCIPLE.

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Both, the subject and the interlocutor,” replied
the stranger rising, and waiting the return towards him
of a promenader, that moment turning at the further
end of his walk.

“Egbert!” said he, calling.

Egbert, a well-dressed, commercial-looking gentleman
of about thirty, responded in a way strikingly deferential,
and in a moment stood near, in the attitude less of
an equal companion apparently than a confidential follower.

“This,” said the stranger, taking Egbert by the hand
and leading him to the cosmopolitan, “this is Egbert, a
disciple. I wish you to know Egbert. Egbert was the
first among mankind to reduce to practice the principles
of Mark Winsome—principles previously accounted as
less adapted to life than the closet. Egbert,” turning
to the disciple, who, with seeming modesty, a little
shrank under these compliments, “Egbert, this,” with
a salute towards the cosmopolitan, “is, like all of us, a
stranger. I wish you, Egbert, to know this brother
stranger; be communicative with him. Particularly if,

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by anything hitherto dropped, his curiosity has been
roused as to the precise nature of my philosophy, I trust
you will not leave such curiosity ungratified. You,
Egbert, by simply setting forth your practice, can do
more to enlighten one as to my theory, than I myself
can by mere speech. Indeed, it is by you that I myself
best understand myself. For to every philosophy are
certain rear parts, very important parts, and these, like
the rear of one's head, are best seen by reflection.
Now, as in a glass, you, Egbert, in your life, reflect
to me the more important part of my system. He, who
approves you, approves the philosophy of Mark Winsome.”

Though portions of this harangue may, perhaps, in the
phraseology seem self-complaisant, yet no trace of self-complacency
was perceptible in the speaker's manner,
which throughout was plain, unassuming, dignified, and
manly; the teacher and prophet seemed to lurk more
in the idea, so to speak, than in the mere bearing of him
who was the vehicle of it.

“Sir,” said the cosmopolitan, who seemed not a little
interested in this new aspect of matters, “you speak of
a certain philosophy, and a more or less occult one it
may be, and hint of its bearing upon practical life; pray,
tell me, if the study of this philosophy tends to the
same formation of character with the experiences of the
world?”

“It does; and that is the test of its truth; for any
philosophy that, being in operation contradictory to the
ways of the world, tends to produce a character at odds

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with it, such a philosophy must necessarily be but a
cheat and a dream.”

“You a little surprise me,” answered the cosmopolitan;
“for, from an occasional profundity in you, and also
from your allusions to a profound work on the theology
of Plato, it would seem but natural to surmise that, if
you are the originator of any philosophy, it must needs
so partake of the abstruse, as to exalt it above the comparatively
vile uses of life.”

“No uncommon mistake with regard to me,” rejoined
the other. Then meekly standing like a Raphael: “If
still in golden accents old Memnon murmurs his riddle,
none the less does the balance-sheet of every man's
ledger unriddle the profit or loss of life. Sir,” with calm
energy, “man came into this world, not to sit down and
muse, not to befog himself with vain subtleties, but to
gird up his loins and to work. Mystery is in the morning,
and mystery in the night, and the beauty of mystery
is everywhere; but still the plain truth remains, that
mouth and purse must be filled. If, hitherto, you have
supposed me a visionary, be undeceived. I am no oneideaed
one, either; no more than the seers before me.
Was not Seneca a usurer? Bacon a courtier? and Swedenborg,
though with one eye on the invisible, did he
not keep the other on the main chance? Along with
whatever else it may be given me to be, I am a man of
serviceable knowledge, and a man of the world. Know
me for such. And as for my disciple here,” turning towards
him, “if you look to find any soft Utopianisms
and last year's sunsets in him, I smile to think how he

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will set you right. The doctrines I have taught him
will, I trust, lead him neither to the mad-house nor the
poor-house, as so many other doctrines have served credulous
sticklers. Furthermore,” glancing upon him
paternally, “Egbert is both my disciple and my poet.
For poetry is not a thing of ink and rhyme, but of
thought and act, and, in the latter way, is by any one to
be found anywhere, when in useful action sought. In
a word, my disciple here is a thriving young merchant,
a practical poet in the West India trade. There,” presenting
Egbert's hand to the cosmopolitan, “I join you,
and leave you,” With which words, and without bowing,
the master withdrew.

-- --

CHAPTER XXXVIII. THE DISCIPLE UNBENDS, AND CONSENTS TO ACT A SOCIAL PART.

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In the master's presence the disciple had stood as one
not ignorant of his place; modesty was in his expression,
with a sort of reverential depression. But the
presence of the superior withdrawn, he seemed lithely
to shoot up erect from beneath it, like one of those wire
men from a toy snuff-box.

He was, as before said, a young man of about thirty.
His countenance of that neuter sort, which, in repose,
is neither prepossessing nor disagreeable; so that it
seemed quite uncertain how he would turn out. His
dress was neat, with just enough of the mode to save it
from the reproach of originality; in which general
respect, though with a readjustment of details, his costume
seemed modeled upon his master's. But, upon the
whole, he was, to all appearances, the last person in the
world that one would take for the disciple of any transcendental
philosophy; though, indeed, something
about his sharp nose and shaved chin seemed to hint
that if mysticism, as a lesson, ever came in his way, he
might, with the characteristic knack of a true

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NewEnglander, turn even so profitless a thing to some profitable
account.

“Well,” said he, now familiarly seating himself in the
vacated chair, “what do you think of Mark? Sublime
fellow, ain't he?”

“That each member of the human guild is worthy
respect my friend,” rejoined the cosmopolitan, “is a
fact which no admirer of that guild will question; but
that, in view of higher natures, the word sublime, so frequently
applied to them, can, without confusion, be also
applied to man, is a point which man will decide for
himself; though, indeed, if he decide it in the affirmative,
it is not for me to object. But I am curious to
know more of that philosophy of which, at present, I
have but inklings. You, its first disciple among men,
it seems, are peculiarly qualified to expound it. Have
you any objections to begin now?”

“None at all,” squaring himself to the table. “Where
shall I begin? At first principles?”

“You remember that it was in a practical way that
you were represented as being fitted for the clear exposition.
Now, what you call first principles, I have, in
some things, found to be more or less vague. Permit
me, then, in a plain way, to suppose some common case
in real life, and that done, I would like you to tell me
how you, the practical disciple of the philosophy I wish
to know about, would, in that case, conduct.”

“A business-like view. Propose the case.”

“Not only the case, but the persons. The case is
this: There are two friends, friends from childhood,

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bosom-friends; one of whom, for the first time, being in
need, for the first time seeks a loan from the other, who,
so far as fortune goes, is more than competent to grant
it. And the persons are to be you and I: you, the friend
from whom the loan is sought—I, the friend who seeks
it; you, the disciple of the philosophy in question—I,
a common man, with no more philosophy than to know
that when I am comfortably warm I don't feel cold,
and when I have the ague I shake. Mind, now, you
must work up your imagination, and, as much as possible,
talk and behave just as if the case supposed were
a fact. For brevity, you shall call me Frank, and I will
call you Charlie. Are you agreed?”

“Perfectly. You begin.”

The cosmopolitan paused a moment, then, assuming a
serious and care-worn air, suitable to the part to be
enacted, addressed his hypothesized freind.

-- --

CHAPTER XXXIX. THE HYPOTHETICAL FRIENDS.

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Charlie, I am going to put confidence in you.”

“You always have, and with reason. What is it
Frank?”

“Charlie, I am in want—urgent want of money.”

“That's not well.”

“But it will be well, Charlie, if you loan me a hundred
dollars. I would not ask this of you, only my
need is sore, and you and I have so long shared hearts
and minds together, however unequally on my side, that
nothing remains to prove our friendship than, with the
same inequality on my side, to share pursues. You will
do me the favor, won't you?”

“Favor? What do you, mean by asking me to do
you a favor?”

“Why, Charlie, you never used to talk so.”

“Because, Frank, you on your side, never used to
talk so.”

“But won't you loan me the money?”

“No, Frank.”

“Why?”

“Because my rule forbids. I give away money, but

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never loan it; and of course the man who calls himself
my friend is above receiving alms. The negotiation
of a loan is a business transaction. And I will
transact no business with a friend. What a friend is, he
is socially and intellectually; and I rate social and intellectual
friendship too high to degrade it on either
side into a pecuniary make-shift. To be sure there are,
and I have, what is called business friends; that is, commercial
acquaintances, very convenient persons. But
I draw a red-ink line between them and my friends
in the true sense—my friends social and intellectual.
In brief, a true friend has nothing to do with loans;
he should have a soul above loans. Loans are such
unfriendly accommodations as are to be had from the
soulless corporation of a bank, by giving the regular
security and paying the regular discount.”

“An unfriendly accommodation? Do those words go
together handsomely?”

“Like the poor farmer's team, of an old man and
a cow—not handsomely, but to the purpose. Look,
Frank, a loan of money on interest is a sale of money
on credit. To sell a thing on credit may be an
accommodation, but where is the friendliness? Few
men in their senses, except operators, borrow money on
interest, except upon a necessity akin to starvation.
Well, now, where is the friendliness of my letting a
starving man have, say, the money's worth of a barrel of
flour upon the condition that, on a given day, he shall let
me have the money's worth of a barrel and a half of flour;
especially if I add this further proviso, that if he fail so

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to do, I shall then, to secure to myself the money's
worth of my barrel and his half barrel, put his heart up
at public auction, and, as it is cruel to part families,
throw in his wife's and children's?”

“I understand,” with a pathetic shudder; “but even
did it come to that, such a step on the creditor's part,
let us, for the honor of human nature, hope, were less
the intention than the contingency.”

“But, Frank, a contingency not unprovided for in
the taking beforehand of due securities.”

“Still, Charlie, was not the loan in the first place a
friend's act?”

“And the auction in the last place an enemy's act.
Don't you see? The enmity lies couched in the friendship,
just as the ruin in the relief.”

“I must be very stupid to-day, Charlie, but really,
I can't understand this. Excuse me, my dear friend, but
it strikes me that in going into the philosophy of the
subject, you go somewhat out of your depth.”

“So said the incautious wader-out to the ocean; but
the ocean replied: `It is just the other way, my wet
friend,' and drowned him.”

“That, Charlie, is a fable about as unjust to the
ocean, as some of Æsop's are to the animals. The ocean
is a magnanimous element, and would scorn to assassinate
a poor fellow, let alone taunting him in the act.
But I don't understand what you say about enmity
couched in friendship, and ruin in relief.”

“I will illustrate, Frank. The needy man is a train
slipped off the rail. He who loans him money on

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interest is the one who, by way of accommodation, helps
get the train back where it belongs; but then, by way
of making all square, and a little more, telegraphs to an
agent, thirty miles a-head by a precipice, to throw just
there, on his account, a beam across the track. Your
needy man's principle-and-interest friend is, I say
again, a friend with an enmity in reserve. No, no, my
dear friend, no interest for me. I scorn interest.”

“Well, Charlie, none need you charge. Loan me
without interest.”

“That would be alms again.”

“Alms, if the sum borrowed is returned?”

“Yes: an alms, not of the principle, but the interest.”

“Well, I am in sore need, so I will not decline the
alms. Seeing that it is you, Charlie, gratefully will I
accept the alms of the interest. No humiliation between
friends.”

“Now, how in the refined view of friendship can you
suffer yourself to talk so, my dear Frank. It pains me.
For though I am not of the sour mind of Solomon, that,
in the hour of need, a stranger is better than a brother;
yet, I entirely agree with my sublime master, who, in his
Essay on Friendship, says so nobly, that if he want a
terrestrial convenience, not to his friend celestial (or
friend social and intellectual) would he go; no: for his
terrestial convenience, to his friend terrestrial (or humbler
business-friend) he goes. Very lucidly he adds the
reason: Because, for the superior nature, which on no
account can ever descend to do good, to be annoyed

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with requests to do it, when the inferior one, which by
no instruction can ever rise above that capacity, stands
always inclined to it—this is unsuitable.”

“Then I will not consider you as my friend celestial,
but as the other.”

“It racks me to come to that; but, to oblige you, I'll
do it. We are business friends; business is business.
You want to negotiate a loan. Very good. On what
paper? Will you pay three per cent. a month? Where
is your security?”

“Surely, you will not exact those formalities from
your old schoolmate—him with whom you have so often
sauntered down the groves of Academe, discoursing of
the beauty of virtue, and the grace that is in kindliness—
and all for so paltry a sum. Security? Our being fellowacademics,
and friends from childhood up, is security.”

“Pardon me, my dear Frank, our being fellow-academics
is the worst of securities; while, our having been
friends from childhood up is just no security at all.
You forget we are now business friends.”

“And you, on your side, forget, Charlie, that as your
business friend I can give you no security; my need being
so sore that I cannot get an indorser.”

“No indorser, then, no business loan.”

“Since then, Charlie, neither as the one nor the other
sort of friend you have defined, can I prevail with you;
how if, combining the two, I sue as both?”

“Are you a centaur?”

“When all is said then, what good have I of your
friendship, regarded in what light you will?”

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“The good which is in the philosophy of Mark Winsome,
as reduced to practice by a practical disciple.”

“And why don't you add, much good may the philosophy
of Mark Winsome do me? Ah,” turning invokingly,
“what is friendship, if it be not the helping hand
and the feeling heart, the good Samaritan pouring out
at need the purse as the vial!”

“Now, my dear Frank, don't be childish. Through
tears never did man see his way in the dark. I should
hold you unworthy that sincere friendship I bear you,
could I think that friendship in the ideal is too lofty for
you to conceive. And let me tell you, my dear Frank,
that you would seriously shake the foundations of our
love, if ever again you should repeat the present scene.
The philosophy, which is mine in the strongest way,
teaches plain-dealing. Let me, then, now, as at the most
suitable time, candidly disclose certain circumstances
you seem in ignorance of. Though our friendship began
in boyhood, think not that, on my side at least, it began
injudiciously. Boys are little men, it is said. You, I
juvenilely picked out for my friend, for your favorable
points at the time; not the least of which were your good
manners, handsome dress, and your parents' rank and
repute of wealth. In short, like any grown man, boy
though I was, I went into the market and chose me my
mutton, not for its leanness, but its fatness. In other
words, there seemed in you, the schoolboy who always
had silver in his pocket, a reasonable probability that
you would never stand in lean need of fat succor; and if
my early impression has not been verified by the event,

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it is only because of the caprice of fortune producing a
fallibility of human expectations, however discreet.”

“Oh, that I should listen to this cold-blooded disclosure!”

“A little cold blood in your ardent veins, my dear
Frank, wouldn't do you any harm, let me tell you.
Cold-blooded? You say that, because my disclosure
seems to involve a vile prudence on my side. But not
so. My reason for choosing you in part for the points I
have mentioned, was solely with a view of preserving
inviolate the delicacy of the connection. For—do but
think of it—what more distressing to delicate friendship,
formed early, than your friend's eventually, in manhood,
dropping in of a rainy night for his little loan of five
dollars or so? Can delicate friendship stand that?
And, on the other side, would delicate friendship, so
long as it retained its delicacy, do that? Would you
not instinctively say of your dripping friend in the entry,
`I have been deceived, fraudulently deceived, in this
man; he is no true friend that, in platonic love to demand
love-tries?'”

“And rites, doubly rights, they are, cruel Charlie!”

“Take it how you will, heed well how, by too importunately
claiming those rights, as you call them, you
shake those foundations I hinted of. For though, as it
turns out, I, in my early friendship, built me a fair house
on a poor site; yet such pains and cost have I lavished
on that house, that, after all, it is dear to me. No, I
would not lose the sweet boon of your friendship, Frank.
But beware.”

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“And of what? Of being in need? Oh, Charlie!
you talk not to a god, a being who in himself holds his
own estate, but to a man who, being a man, is the sport
of fate's wind and wave, and who mounts towards heaven
or sinks towards hell, as the billows roll him in trough
or on crest.”

“Tut! Frank. Man is no such poor devil as that
comes to—no poor drifting sea-weed of the universe.
Man has a soul; which, if he will, puts him beyond fortune's
finger and the future's spite. Don't whine like
fortune's whipped dog, Frank, or by the heart of a true
friend, I will cut ye.”

“Cut me you have already, cruel Charlie, and to the
quick. Call to mind the days we went nutting, the
times we walked in the woods, arms wreathed about
each other, showing trunks invined like the trees:—oh,
Charlie!”

“Pish! we were boys.”

“Then lucky the fate of the first-born of Egypt, cold
in the grave ere maturity struck them with a sharper
frost.—Charlie?”

“Fie! you're a girl.”

“Help, help, Charlie, I want help!”

“Help? to say nothing of the friend, there is something
wrong about the man who wants help. There is
somewhere a defect, a want, in brief, a need, a crying
need, somewhere about that man.”

“So there is, Charlie.—Help, Help!”

“How foolish a cry, when to implore help, is itself
the proof of undesert of it.

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“Oh, this, all along, is not you, Charlie, but some
ventriloquist who usurps your larynx. It is Mark Winsome
that speaks, not Charlie.

“If so, thank heaven, the voice of Mark Winsome is
not alien but congenial to my larynx. If the philosophy
of that illustrious teacher find little response among
mankind at large, it is less that they do not possess
teachable tempers, than because they are so unfortunate
as not to have natures predisposed to accord with him.

“Welcome, that compliment to humanity,” exclaimed
Frank with energy, “the truer because unintended.
And long in this respect may humanity remain what
you affirm it. And long it will; since humanity, inwardly
feeling how subject it is to straits, and hence
how precious is help, will, for selfishness' sake, if no
other, long postpone ratifying a philosophy that banishes
help from the world. But Charlie, Charlie! speak as
you used to; tell me you will help me. Were the case
reversed, not less freely would I loan you the money
than you would ask me to loan it.

I ask? I ask a loan? Frank, by this hand, under
no circumstances would I accept a loan, though without
asking pressed on me. The experience of China
Aster might warn me.”

“And what was that?”

“Not very unlike the experience of the man that
built himself a palace of moon-beams, and when the moon
set was surprised that his palace vanished with it. I
will tell you about China Aster. I wish I could do so
in my own words, but unhappily the original

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storyteller here has so tyrannized over me, that it is quite
impossible for me to repeat his incidents without sliding
into his style. I forewarn you of this, that you may
not think me so maudlin as, in some parts, the story
would seem to make its narrator. It is too bad that
any intellect, expecially in so small a matter, should
have such power to impose itself upon another, against
its best exerted will, too. However, it is satisfaction to
know that the main moral, to which all tends, I fully
approve. But, to begin.”

-- --

CHAPTER XL. IN WHICH THE STORY OF CHINA ASTER IS AT SECOND-HAND TOLD BY ONE WHO, WHILE NOT DISAPPROVING THE MORAL, DISCLAIMS THE SPIRIT OF THE STYLE.

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China Aster was a young candle-maker of Marietta,
at the mouth of the Muskingum—one whose trade would
seem a kind of subordinate branch of that parent craft
and mystery of the hosts of heaven, to be the means,
effectively or otherwise, of shedding some light through
the darkness of a planet benighted. But he made little
money by the business. Much ado had poor China
Aster and his family to live; he could, if he chose, light
up from his stores a whole street, but not so easily
could he light up with prosperity the hearts of his
household.

“Now, China Aster, it so happened, had a friend,
Orchis, a shoemaker; one whose calling it is to defend
the understandings of men from naked contact with the
substance of things: a very useful vocation, and which,
spite of all the wiseacres may prophesy, will hardly go
out of fashion so long as rocks are hard and flints will
gall. All at once, by a capital prize in a lottery, this
useful shoemaker was raised from a bench to a sofa. A
small nabob was the shoemaker now, and the understandings
of men, let them shift for themselves. Not

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that Orchis was, by prosperity, elated into heartlessness
Not at all. Because, in his fine apparel, strolling one
morning into the candlery, and gayly switching about
at the candle-boxes with his gold-headed cane—while
poor China Aster, with his greasy paper cap and leather
apron, was selling one candle for one penny to a poor
orange-woman, who, with the patronizing coolness of a
liberal customer, required it to be carefully rolled up
and tied in a half sheet of paper—lively Orchis, the
woman being gone, discontinued his gay switchings and
said: `This is poor business for you, friend China
Aster; your capital is too small. You must drop this
vile tallow and hold up pure spermaceti to the world.
I tell you what it is, you shall have one thousand dollars
to extend with. In fact, you must make money,
China Aster. I don't like to see your little boy paddling
about without shoes, as he does.'

“`Heaven bless your goodness, friend Orchis,' replied
the candle-maker, `but don't take it illy if I call to
mind the word of my uncle, the blacksmith, who, when
a loan was offered him, declined it, saying: “To ply my
own hammer, light though it be, I think best, rather
than piece it out heavier by welding to it a bit off a
neighbor's hammer, though that may have some weight
to spare; otherwise, were the borrowed bit suddenly
wanted again, it might not split off at the welding, but
too much to one side or the other.'”

“`Nonsense, friend China Aster, don't be so honest;
your boy is barefoot. Besides, a rich man lose by a
poor man? Or a friend be the worse by a friend?

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China Aster, I am afraid that, in leaning over into your
vats here, this morning, you have spilled out your wisdom.
Hush! I won't hear any more. Where's your
desk? Oh, here.' With that, Orchis dashed off a check
on his bank, and off-handedly presenting it, said:
`There, friend China Aster, is your one thousand dollars;
when you make it ten thousand, as you soon
enough will (for experience, the only true knowledge,
teaches me that, for every one, good luck is in store),
then, China Aster, why, then you can return me the
money or not, just as you please. But, in any event,
give yourself no concern, for I shall never demand payment.
'

“Now, as kind heaven will so have it that to a
hungry man bread is a great temptation, and, therefore,
he is not too harshly to be blamed, if, when freely
offered, he take it, even though it be uncertain whether
he shall ever be able to reciprocate; so, to a poor man,
proffered money is equally enticing, and the worst that
can be said of him, if he accept it, is just what can be
said in the other case of the hungry man. In short, the
poor candle-maker's scrupulous morality succumbed to
his unscrupulous necessity, as is now and then apt to be
the case. He took the check, and was about carefully
putting it away for the present, when Orchis, switching
about again with his gold-headed cane, said: `By-the-way,
China Aster, it don't mean anything, but suppose
you make a little memorandum of this; won't do any
harm, you know.' So China Aster gave Orchis his note
for one thousand dollars on demand. Orchis took it, and

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looked at it a moment, `Pooh, I told you, friend China
Aster, I wasn't going ever to make any demand.' Then
tearing up the note, and switching away again at the
candle-boxes, said, carelessly; `Put it at four years.'
So China Aster gave Orchis his note for one thousand
dollars at four years. `You see I'll never trouble you
about this,' said Orchis, slipping it in his pocket-book,
`give yourself no further thought, friend China Aster,
than how best to invest your money. And don't forget
my hint about spermaceti. Go into that, and I'll buy
all my light of you,' with which encouraging words, he,
with wonted, rattling kindness, took leave.

“China Aster remained standing just where Orchis
had left him; when, suddenly, two elderly friends,
having nothing better to do, dropped in for a chat.
The chat over, China Aster, in greasy cap and apron,
ran after Orchis, and said: `Friend Orchis, heaven
will reward you for your good intentions, but here is
your check, and now give me my note.'

“`Your honesty is a bore, China Aster,' said Orchis, not
without displeasure. `I won't take the check from you.'

“`Then you must take it from the pavement, Orchis,'
said China Aster; and, picking up a stone, he placed
the check under it on the walk.

“`China Aster,' said Orchis, inquisitively eying him,
`after my leaving the candlery just now, what asses
dropped in there to advise with you, that now you hurry
after me, and act so like a fool? Shouldn't wonder
if it was those two old asses that the boys nickname
Old Plain Talk and Old Prudence.'

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“`Yes, it was those two, Orchis, but don't call them
names.'

“`A brace of spavined old croakers. Old Plain Talk
had a shrew for a wife, and that's made him shrewish;
and Old Prudence, when a boy, broke down in an applestall,
and that discouraged him for life. No better sport
for a knowing spark like me than to hear Old Plain Talk
wheeze out his sour old saws, while Old Prudence stands
by, leaning on his staff, wagging his frosty old pow, and
chiming in at every clause.'

“`How can you speak so, friend Orchis, of those who
were my father's friends?'

“`Save me from my friends, if those old croakers were
Old Honesty's friends. I call your father so, for every
one used to. Why did they let him go in his old age on
the town? Why, China Aster, I've often heard from
my mother, the chronicler, that those two old fellows,
with Old Conscience—as the boys called the crabbed old
quaker, that's dead now—they three used to go to the
poor-house when your father was there, and get round
his bed, and talk to him for all the world as Eliphaz,
Bildad, and Zophar did to poor old pauper Job. Yes,
Job's comforters were Old Plain Talk, and Old Prudence,
and Old Conscience, to your poor old father.
Friends? I should like to know who you call foes?
With their everlasting croaking and reproaching they
tormented poor Old Honesty, your father, to death.'

“At these words, recalling the sad end of his worthy
parent, China Aster could not restrain some tears. Upon
which Orchis said: `Why, China Aster, you are the

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dolefulest creature. Why don't you, China Aster, take
a bright view of life? You will never get on in your
business or anything else, if you don't take the bright view
of life. It's the ruination of a man to take the dismal
one.' Then, gayly poking at him with his gold-headed
cane, `Why don't you, then? Why don't you be bright
and hopeful, like me? Why don't you have confidence,
China Aster?'

“`I'm sure I don't know, friend Orchis,' soberly
replied China Aster, `but may be my not having
drawn a lottery-prize, like you, may make some difference.
'

“`Nonsense! before I knew anything about the prize
I was gay as a lark, just as gay as I am now. In fact,
it has always been a principle with me to hold to the
bright view.'

“Upon this, China Aster looked a little hard at Orchis,
because the truth was, that until the lucky prize came
to him, Orchis had gone under the nickname of Doleful
Dumps, he having been beforetimes of a hypochondriac
turn, so much so as to save up and put by a few dollars
of his scanty earnings against that rainy day he used to
groan so much about.

“`I tell you what it is, now, friend China Aster,' said
Orchis, pointing down to the check under the stone, and
then slapping his pocket, `the check shall lie there if
you say so, but your note shan't keep it company. In
fact, China Aster, I am too sincerely your friend to take
advantage of a passing fit of the blues in you. You shall
reap the benefit of my friendship.' With which,

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buttoning up his coat in a jiffy, away he ran, leaving the
check behind.

“At first, China Aster was going to tear it up, but
thinking that this ought not to be done except in the
presence of the drawer of the check, he mused a while,
and picking it up, trudged back to the candlery, fully
resolved to call upon Orchis soon as his day's work was
over, and destroy the check before his eyes. But it so
happened that when China Aster called, Orchis was out,
and, having waited for him a weary time in vain, China
Aster went home, still with the check, but still resolved
not to keep it another day. Bright and early next
morning he would a second time go after Orchis, and
would, no doubt, make a sure thing of it, by finding him
in his bed; for since the lottery-prize came to him, Orchis,
besides becoming more cheery, had also grown a
little lazy. But as destiny would have it, that same
night China Aster had a dream, in which a being in the
guise of a smiling angel, and holding a kind of cornucopia
in her hand, hovered over him, pouring down
showers of small gold dollars, thick as kernels of corn.
`I am Bright Future, friend China Aster,' said the angel,
`and if you do what friend Orchis would have you
do, just see what will come of it.' With which Bright
Future, with another swing of her cornucopia, poured
such another shower of small gold dollars upon him,
that it seemed to bank him up all round, and he waded
about in it like a maltster in malt.

“Now, dreams are wonderful things, as everybody
knows—so wonderful, indeed, that some people stop not

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short of ascribing them directly to heaven; and China
Aster, who was of a proper turn of mind in everything,
thought that in consideration of the dream, it would be
but well to wait a little, ere seeking Orchis again. During
the day, China Aster's mind dwelling continually
upon the dream, he was so full of it, that when Old
Plain Talk dropped in to see him, just before dinnertime,
as he often did, out of the interest he took in Old
Honesty's son, China Aster told all about his vision,
adding that he could not think that so radiant an angel
could deceive; and, indeed, talked at such a rate that
one would have thought he believed the angel some
beautiful human philanthropist. Something in this sort
Old Plain Talk understood him, and, accordingly, in his
plain way, said: `China Aster, you tell me that an angel
appeared to you in a dream. Now, what does that
amount to but this, that you dreamed an angel appeared
to you? Go right away, China Aster, and return the
check, as I advised you before. If friend Prudence were
here, he would say just the same thing.' With which
words Old Plain Talk went off to find friend Prudence,
but not succeeding, was returning to the candlery himself,
when, at distance mistaking him for a dun who had
long annoyed him, China Aster in a panic barred all his
doors, and ran to the back part of the candlery, where
no knock could be heard.

“By this sad mistake, being left with no friend to argue
the other side of the question, China Aster was so
worked upon at last, by musing over his dream, that
nothing would do but he must get the check cashed, and

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lay out the money the very same day in buying a good
lot of spermaceti to make into candles, by which operation
he counted upon turning a better penny than he
ever had before in his life; in fact, this he believed
would prove the foundation of that famous fortune
which the angel had promised him.

“Now, in using the money, China Aster was resolved
punctually to pay the interest every six months till the
principal should be returned, howbeit not a word about
such a thing had been breathed by Orchis; though,
indeed, according to custom, as well as law, in such
matters, interest would legitimately accrue on the loan,
nothing to the contrary having been put in the bond.
Whether Orchis at the time had this in mind or not,
there is no sure telling; but, to all appearance, he never
so much as cared to think about the matter, one way or
other.

“Though the spermaceti venture rather disappointed
China Aster's sanguine expectations, yet he made out to
pay the first six months' interest, and though his next
venture turned out still less prosperously, yet by pinching
his family in the matter of fresh meat, and, what
pained him still more, his boys' schooling, he contrived
to pay the second six months' interest, sincerely grieved
that integrity, as well as its opposite, though not in an
equal degree, costs something, sometimes.

“Meanwhile, Orchis had gone on a trip to Europe by
advice of a physician; it so happening that, since the
lottery-prize came to him, it had been discovered to Orchis
that his health was not very firm, though he had

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never complained of anything before but a slight ailing
of the spleen, scarce worth talking about at the time.
So Orchis, being abroad, could not help China Aster's
paying his interest as he did, however much he might
have been opposed to it; for China Aster paid it to
Orchis's agent, who was of too business-like a turn to
decline interest regularly paid in on a loan.

“But overmuch to trouble the agent on that score was
not again to be the fate of China Aster; for, not being
of that skeptical spirit which refuses to trust customers,
his third venture resulted, through bad debts, in
almost a total loss—a bad blow for the candle-maker.
Neither did Old Plain Talk, and Old Prudence neglect
the opportunity to read him an uncheerful enough lesson
upon the consequences of his disregarding their advice
in the matter of having nothing to do with borrowed
money. `It's all just as I predicted,' said Old Plain
Talk, blowing his old nose with his old bandana. `Yea,
indeed is it,' chimed in Old Prudence, rapping his staff
on the floor, and then leaning upon it, looking with
solemn forebodings upon China Aster. Low-spirited
enough felt the poor candle-maker; till all at once who
should come with a bright face to him but his bright
friend, the angel, in another dream. Again the cornucopia
poured out its treasure, and promised still more.
Revived by the vision, he resolved not to be downhearted,
but up and at it once more—contrary to the
advice of Old Plain Talk, backed as usual by his crony,
which was to the effect, that, under present circumstances,
the best thing China Aster could do, would be to

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wind up his business, settle, if he could, all his liabilities,
and then go to work as a journeyman, by which
he could earn good wages, and give up, from that time
henceforth, all thoughts of rising above being a paid subordinate
to men more able than himself, for China Aster's
career thus far plainly proved him the legitimate son of
Old Honesty, who, as every one knew, had never shown
much business-talent, so little, in fact, that many said
of him that he had no business to be in business. And
just this plain saying Plain Talk now plainly applied
to China Aster, and Old Prudence never disagreed with
him. But the angel in the dream did, and, maugre Plain
Talk, put quite other notions into the candle-maker.

“He considered what he should do towards reëstablishing
himself. Doubtless, had Orchis been in the country,
he would have aided him in this strait. As it was, he
applied to others; and as in the world, much as some may
hint to the contrary, an honest man in misfortune still
can find friends to stay by him and help him, even so
it proved with China Aster, who at last succeeded in borrowing
from a rich old farmer the sum of six hundred
dollars, at the usual interest of money-lenders, upon the
security of a secret bond signed by China Aster's wife
and himself, to the effect that all such right and title to
any property that should be left her by a well-to-do
childless uncle, an invalid tanner, such property should,
in the event of China Aster's failing to return the borrowed
sum on the given day, be the lawful possession
of the money-lender. True, it was just as much as
China Aster could possibly do to induce his wife, a

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careful woman, to sign this bond; because she had always
regarded her promised share in her uncle's estate as an
anchor well to windward of the hard times in which
China Aster had always been more or less involved, and
from which, in her bosom, she never had seen much
chance of his freeing himself. Some notion may be had
of China Aster's standing in the heart and head of his
wife, by a short sentence commonly used in reply to
such persons as happened to sound her on the point.
`China Aster,' she would say, `is a good husband, but
a bad business man!' Indeed, she was a connection on
the maternal side of Old Plain Talk's. But had not
China Aster taken good care not to let Old Plain Talk
and Old Prudence hear of his dealings with the old
farmer, ten to one they would, in some way, have interfered
with his success in that quarter.

“It has been hinted that the honesty of China Aster
was what mainly induced the money-lender to befriend
him in his misfortune, and this must be apparent; for,
had China Aster been a different man, the money-lender
might have dreaded lest, in the event of his failing to
meet his note, he might some way prove slippery—more
especially as, in the hour of distress, worked upon by
remorse for so jeopardizing his wife's money, his heart
might prove a traitor to his bond, not to hint that it
was more than doubtful how such a secret security and
claim, as in the last resort would be the old farmer's,
would stand in a court of law. But though one inference
from all this may be, that had China Aster been
something else than what he was, he would not have

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been trusted, and, therefore, he would have been effectually
shut out from running his own and wife's head
into the usurer's noose; yet those who, when everything
at last came out, maintained that, in this view
and to this extent, the honesty of the candle-maker was
no advantage to him, in so saying, such persons said
what every good heart must deplore, and no prudent
tongue will admit.

“It may be mentioned, that the old farmer made
China Aster take part of his loan in three old dried-up
cows and one lame horse, not improved by the glanders.
These were thrown in at a pretty high figure, the old
money-lender having a singular prejudice in regard to
the high value of any sort of stock raised on his farm.
With a great deal of difficulty, and at more loss, China
Aster disposed of his cattle at public auction, no private
purchaser being found who could be prevailed
upon to invest. And now, raking and scraping in every
way, and working early and late, China Aster at last
started afresh, nor without again largely and confidently
extending himself. However, he did not try his
hand at the spermaceti again, but, admonished by experience,
returned to tallow. But, having bought a
good lot of it, by the time he got it into candles, tallow
fell so low, and candles with it, that his candles per
pound barely sold for what he had paid for the tallow.
Meantime, a year's unpaid interest had accrued on Orchis'
loan, but China Aster gave himself not so much
concern about that as about the interest now due to
the old farmer. But he was glad that the principal

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there had yet some time to run. However, the skinny
old fellow gave him some trouble by coming after him
every day or two on a scraggy old white horse, furnished
with a musty old saddle, and goaded into his
shambling old paces with a withered old raw hide. All
the neighbors said that surely Death himself on the
pale horse was after poor China Aster now. And
something so it proved; for, ere long, China Aster
found himself involved in troubles mortal enough.

At this juncture Orchis was heard of. Orchis, it seemed,
had returned from his travels, and clandestinely married,
and, in a kind of queer way, was living in Pennsylvania
among his wife's relations, who, among other
things, had induced him to join a church, or rather
semi-religious school, of Come-Outers; and what was
still more, Orchis, without coming to the spot himself,
had sent word to his agent to dispose of some of his
property in Marietta, and remit him the proceeds.
Within a year after, China Aster received a letter from
Orchis, commending him for his punctuality in paying
the first year's interest, and regretting the necessity
that he (Orchis) was now under of using all his dividends;
so he relied upon China Aster's paying the
next six months' interest, and of course with the back
interest. Not more surprised than alarmed, China
Aster thought of taking steamboat to go and see Orchis,
but he was saved that expense by the unexpected
arrival in Marietta of Orchis in person, suddenly called
there by that strange kind of capriciousness lately characterizing
him. No sooner did China Aster hear of

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his old friend's arrival than he hurried to call upon him
He found him curiously rusty in dress, sallow in cheek,
and decidedly less gay and cordial in manner, which
the more surprised China Aster, because, in former
days, he had more than once heard Orchis, in his light
rattling way, declare that all he (Orchis) wanted to
make him a perfectly happy, hilarious, and benignant
man, was a voyage to Europe and a wife, with a free
development of his inmost nature.

“Upon China Aster's stating his case, his rusted
friend was silent for a time; then, in an odd way, said
that he would not crowd China Aster, but still his
(Orchis') necessities were urgent. Could not China
Aster mortgage the candlery? He was honest, and
must have moneyed friends; and could he not press
his sales of candles? Could not the market be forced
a little in that particular? The profits on candles
must be very great. Seeing, now, that Orchis had
the notion that the candle-making business was a very
profitable one, and knowing sorely enough what an
error was here, China Aster tried to undeceive him.
But he could not drive the truth into Orchis—Orchis
being very obtuse here, and, at the same time,
strange to say, very melancholy. Finally, Orchis
glanced off from so unpleasing a subject into the most
unexpected reflections, taken from a religious point
of view, upon the unstableness and deceitfulness of
the human heart. But having, as he thought, experienced
something of that sort of thing, China Aster
did not take exception to his friend's observations,

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but still refrained from so doing, almost as much for
the sake of sympathetic sociality as anything else.
Presently, Orchis, without much ceremony, rose, and
saying he must write a letter to his wife, bade his
friend good-bye, but without warmly shaking him by
the hand as of old.

“In much concern at the change, China Aster made
earnest inquiries in suitable quarters, as to what things,
as yet unheard of, had befallen Orchis, to bring about
such a revolution; and learned at last that, besides traveling,
and getting married, and joining the sect of
Come-Outers, Orchis had somehow got a bad dyspepsia,
and lost considerable property through a breach of
trust on the part of a factor in New York. Telling
these things to Old Plain Talk, that man of some
knowledge of the world shook his old head, and told
China Aster that, though he hoped it might prove otherwise,
yet it seemed to him that all he had communicated
about Orchis worked together for bad omens as to
his future forbearance—especially, he added with a
grim sort of smile, in view of his joining the sect of
Come-Outers; for, if some men knew what was their
inmost natures, instead of coming out with it, they
would try their best to keep it in, which, indeed, was
the way with the prudent sort. In all which sour notions
Old Prudence, as usual, chimed in.

“When interest-day came again, China Aster, by the
utmost exertions, could only pay Orchis' agent a small
part of what was due, and a part of that was made up
by his children's gift money (bright tenpenny pieces

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and new quarters, kept in their little money-boxes), and
pawning his best clothes, with those of his wife and
children, so that all were subjected to the hardship of
staying away from church. And the old usurer, too,
now beginning to be obstreperous, China Aster paid
him his interest and some other pressing debts with
money got by, at last, mortgaging the candlery.

“When next interest-day came round for Orchis, not
a penny could be raised. With much grief of heart,
China Aster so informed Orchis' agent. Meantime, the
note to the old usurer fell due, and nothing from China
Aster was ready to meet it; yet, as heaven sends its
rain on the just and unjust alike, by a coincidence not
unfavorable to the old farmer, the well-to-do uncle, the
tanner, having died, the usurer entered upon possession
of such part of his property left by will to the wife
of China Aster. When still the next interest-day for
Orchis came round, it found China Aster worse off than
ever; for, besides his other troubles, he was now weak
with sickness. Feebly dragging himself to Orchis'
agent, he met him in the street, told him just how it
was; upon which the agent, with a grave enough face,
said that he had instructions from his employer not to
crowd him about the interest at present, but to say to
him that about the time the note would mature, Orchis
would have heavy liabilities to meet, and therefore the
note must at that time be certainly paid, and, of course,
the back interest with it; and not only so, but, as Orchis
had had to allow the interest for good part of the
time, he hoped that, for the back interest, China Aster

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would, in reciprocation, have no objections to allowing
interest on the interest annually. To be sure, this was
not the law; but, between friends who accommodate
each other, it was the custom.

“Just then, Old Plain Talk with Old Prudence turned
the corner, coming plump upon China Aster as the
agent left him; and whether it was a sun-stroke, or
whether they accidentally ran against him, or whether
it was his being so weak, or whether it was everything
together, or how it was exactly, there is no telling, but
poor China Aster fell to the earth, and, striking his head
sharply, was picked up senseless. It was a day in July;
such a light and heat as only the midsummer banks of
the inland Ohio know. China Aster was taken home
on a door; lingered a few days with a wandering mind,
and kept wandering on, till at last, at dead of night,
when nobody was aware, his spirit wandered away into
the other world.

“Old Plain Talk and Old Prudence, neither of whom
ever omitted attending any funeral, which, indeed, was
their chief exercise—these two were among the sincerest
mourners who followed the remains of the son of
their ancient friend to the grave.

“It is needless to tell of the executions that followed;
how that the candlery was sold by the mortgagee; how
Orchis never got a penny for his loan; and how, in the
case of the poor widow, chastisement was tempered with
mercy; for, though she was left penniless, she was not left
childless. Yet, unmindful of the alleviation, a spirit of
complaint, at what she impatiently called the bitterness

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of her lot and the hardness of the world, so preyed upon
her, as ere long to hurry her from the obscurity of
indigence to the deeper shades of the tomb.

“But though the straits in which China Aster had left
his family had, besides apparently dimming the world's
regard, likewise seemed to dim its sense of the probity
of its deceased head, and though this, as some thought,
did not speak well for the world, yet it happened in this
case, as in others, that, though the world may for a time
seem insensible to that merit which lies under a cloud,
yet, sooner or later, it always renders honor where honor
is due; for, upon the death of the widow, the freemen
of Marietta, as a tribute of respect for China Aster, and
an expression of their conviction of his high moral
worth, passed a resolution, that, until they attained maturity,
his children should be considered the town's
guests. No mere verbal compliment, like those of some
public bodies; for, on the same day, the orphans were
officially installed in that hospitable edifice where their
worthy grandfather, the town's guest before them, had
breathed his last breath.

“But sometimes honor may be paid to the memory of
an honest man, and still his mound remain without a
monument. Not so, however, with the candle-maker.
At an early day, Plain Talk had procured a plain stone,
and was digesting in his mind what pithy word or two
to place upon it, when there was discovered, in China
Aster's otherwise empty wallet, an epitaph, written,
probably, in one of those disconsolate hours, attended
with more or less mental aberration, perhaps, so frequent

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with him for some months prior to his end. A memorandum
on the back expressed the wish that it might be
placed over his grave. Though with the sentiment of
the epitaph Plain Talk did not disagree, he himself being
at times of a hypochondriac turn—at least, so many
said—yet the language struck him as too much drawn
out; so, after consultation with Old Prudence, he decided
upon making use of the epitaph, yet not without verbal
retrenchments. And though, when these were made,
the thing still appeared wordy to him, nevertheless,
thinking that, since a dead man was to be spoken about,
it was but just to let him speak for himself, especially
when he spoke sincerely, and when, by so doing, the
more salutary lesson would be given, he had the retrenched
inscription chiseled as follows upon the stone.

`HERE LIE
THE REMAINS OF
CHINA ASTER THE CANDLE-MAKER,
WHOSE CAREER
WAS AN EXAMPLE OF THE TRUTH OF SCRIPTURE, AS FOUND
IN THE
SOBER PHILOSOPHY
OF
SOLOMON THE WISE;
FOR HE WAS RUINED BY ALLOWING HIMSELF TO BE PERSUADED,
AGAINST HIS BETTER SENSE,
INTO THE FREE INDULGENCE OF CONFIDENCE,
AND
AN ARDENTLY BRIGHT VIEW OF LIFE,
TO THE EXCLUSION
OF
THAT COUNSEL WHICH COMES BY HEEDING
THE
OPPOSITE VIEW.'

“This inscription raised some talk in the town, and
was rather severely criticised by the capitalist—one of a

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very cheerful turn—who had secured his loan to China
Aster by the mortgage; and though it also proved
obnoxious to the man who, in town-meeting, had first
moved for the compliment to China Aster's memory,
and, indeed, was deemed by him a sort of slur upon the
candle-maker, to ihat degree that he refused to believe
that the candle-maker himself had composed it, charging
Old Plain Talk with the authorship, alleging that
the internal evidence showed that none but that veteran
old croaker could have penned such a jeremiade—yet,
for all this, the stone stood. In everything, of course,
Old Plain Talk was seconded by Old Prudence; who,
one day going to the grave-yard, in great-coat and overshoes—
for, though it was a sunshiny morning, he
thought that, owing to heavy dews, dampness might
lurk in the ground—long stood before the stone, sharply
leaning over on his staff, spectacles on nose, spelling out
the epitaph word by word; and, afterwards meeting Old
Plain Talk in the street, gave a great rap with his stick,
and said: `Friend, Plain Talk, that epitaph will do
very well. Nevertheless, one short sentence is wanting.
' Upon which, Plain Talk said it was too late, the
chiseled words being so arranged, after the usual manner
of such inscriptions, that nothing could be interlined.
`Then,' said Old Prudence, `I will put it in
the shape of a postscript.' Accordingly, with the
approbation of Old Plain Talk, he had the following
words chiseled at the left-hand corner of the stone, and
pretty low down:

`The root of all was a friendly loan.'”

-- --

CHAPTER XLI. ENDING WITH A RUPTURE OF THE HYPOTHESIS.

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With what heart,” cried Frank, still in character,
“have you told me this story? A story I can no way
approve; for its moral, if accepted, would drain me of
all reliance upon my last stay, and, therefore, of my last
courage in life. For, what was that bright view of
China Aster but a cheerful trust that, if he but kept up
a brave heart, worked hard, and ever hoped for the best,
all at last would go well? If your purpose, Charlie, in
telling me this story, was to pain me, and keenly, you
have succeeded; but, if it was to destroy my last confidence,
I praise God you have not.”

“Confidence?” cried Charlie, who, on his side,
seemed with his whole heart to enter into the spirit of
the thing, “what has confidence to do with the matter?
That moral of the story, which I am for commending to
you, is this: the folly, on both sides, of a friend's helping
a friend. For was not that loan of Orchis to China
Aster the first step towards their estrangement? And
did it not bring about what in effect was the enmity of
Orchis? I tell you, Frank, true friendship, like other
precious things, is not rashly to be meddled with. And

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what more meddlesome between friends than a loan?
A regular marplot. For how can you help that the
helper must turn out a creditor? And creditor and
friend, can they ever be one? no, not in the most
lenient case; since, out of lenity to forego one's claim,
is less to be a friendly creditor than to cease to be a
creditor at all. But it will not do to rely upon this
lenity, no, not in the best man; for the best man, as the
worst, is subject to all mortal contingencies. He may
travel, he may marry, he may join the Come-Outers,
or some equally untoward school or sect, not to speak of
other things that more or less tend to new-cast the
character. And were there nothing else, who shall
answer for his digestion, upon which so much depends?”

“But Charlie, dear Charlie—”

“Nay, wait.—You have hearkened to my story in
vain, if you do not see that, however indulgent and
right-minded I may seem to you now, that is no
guarantee for the future. And into the power of
that uncertain personality which, through the mutability
of my humanity, I may hereafter become,
should not common sense dissuade you, my dear Frank,
from putting yourself? Consider. Would you, in
your present need, be willing to accept a loan from a
friend, securing him by a mortgage on your homestead,
and do so, knowing that you had no reason to feel satisfied
that the mortgage might not eventually be transferred
into the hands of a foe? Yet the difference
between this man and that man is not so great as the
difference between what the same man be to-day and

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what he may be in days to come. For there is no bent
of heart or turn of thought which any man holds by
virtue of an unalterable nature or will. Even those
feelings and opinions deemed most identical with eternal
right and truth, it is not impossible but that, as personal
persuasions, they may in reality be but the result
of some chance tip of Fate's elbow in throwing her dice.
For, not to go into the first seeds of things, and passing
by the accident of parentage predisposing to this or that
habit of mind, descend below these, and tell me, if you
change this man's experiences or that man's books, will
wisdom go surety for his unchanged convictions? As
particular food begets particular dreams, so particular
experiences or books particular feelings or beliefs. I
will hear nothing of that fine babble about development
and its laws; there is no development in opinion and
feeling but the developments of time and tide. You
may deem all this talk idle, Frank; but conscience bids
me show you how fundamental the reasons for treating
you as I do.”

“But Charlie, dear Charlie, what new notions are
these? I thought that man was no poor drifting weed
of the universe, as you phrased it; that, if so minded,
he could have a will, a way, a thought, and a heart of
his own? But now you have turned everything upside
down again, with an inconsistency that amazes and
shocks me.”

“Inconsistency? Bah!”

“There speaks the ventriloquist again,” sighed
Frank, in bitterness.

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Illy pleased, it may be, by this repetition of an allusion
little flattering to his originality, however much so
to his docility, the disciple sought to carry it off by exclaiming:
“Yes, I turn over day and night, with
indefatigable pains, the sublime pages of my master,
and unfortunately for you, my dear friend, I find nothing
there that leads me to think otherwise than I do. But
enough: in this matter the experience of China Aster
teaches a moral more to the point than anything Mark
Winsome can offer, or I either.”

“I cannot think so, Charlie; for neither am I China
Aster, nor do I stand in his position. The loan to China
Aster was to extend his business with; the loan I seek
is to relieve my necessities.”

“Your dress, my dear Frank, is respectable; your
cheek is not gaunt. Why talk of necessities when
nakedness and starvation beget the only real necessities?”

“But I need relief, Charlie; and so sorely, that I now
conjure you to forget that I was ever your friend, while
I apply to you only as a fellow-being, whom, surely,
you will not turn away.”

“That I will not. Take off your hat, bow over to
the ground, and supplicate an alms of me in the way of
London streets, and you shall not be a sturdy beggar in
vain. But no man drops pennies into the hat of a
friend, let me tell you. If you turn beggar, then, for
the honor of noble friendship, I turn stranger.”

“Enough,” cried the other, rising, and with a toss of
his shoulders seeming disdainfully to throw off the

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[figure description] Page 350.[end figure description]

character he had assumed. “Enough. I have had my fill
of the philosophy of Mark Winsome as put into action.
And moonshiny as it in theory may be, yet a very practical
philosophy it turns out in effect, as he himself
engaged I should find. But, miserable for my race
should I be, if I thought he spoke truth when he
claimed, for proof of the soundness of his system, that
the study of it tended to much the same formation of
character with the experiences of the world.—Apt disciple!
Why wrinkle the brow, and waste the oil both
of life and the lamp, only to turn out a head kept cool
by the under ice of the heart? What your illustrious
magian has taught you, any poor, old, broken-down,
heart-shrunken dandy might have lisped. Pray, leave
me, and with you take the last dregs of your inhuman
philosophy. And here, take this shilling, and at the
first wood-landing buy yourself a few chips to warm the
frozen natures of you and your philosopher by.”

With these words and a grand scorn the cosmopolitan
turned on his heel, leaving his companion at a loss to
determine where exactly the fictitious character had
been dropped, and the real one, if any, resumed. If
any, because, with pointed meaning, there occurred to
him, as he gazed after the cosmopolitan, these familiar
lines:



“All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players,
Who have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts.”

-- --

CHAPTER XLII. UPON THE HEEL OF THE LAST SCENE THE COSMOPOLITAN ENTERS THE BARBER'S SHOP, A BENEDICTION ON HIS LIPS.

[figure description] Page 351.[end figure description]

Bless you, barber!”

Now, owing to the lateness of the hour, the barber
had been all alone until within the ten minutes last
passed; when, finding himself rather dullish company to
himself, he thought he would have a good time with
Souter John and Tam O'Shanter, otherwise called Somnus
and Morpheus, two very good fellows, though one
was not very bright, and the other an arrant rattlebrain,
who, though much listened to by some, no wise
man would believe under oath.

In short, with back presented to the glare of his
lamps, and so to the door, the honest barber was taking
what are called cat-naps, and dreaming in his chair; so
that, upon suddenly hearing the benediction above, pronounced
in tones not unangelic, starting up, half awake,
he stared before him, but saw nothing, for the stranger
stood behind. What with cat-naps, dreams, and bewilderments,
therefore, the voice seemed a sort of spiritual
manifestation to him; so that, for the moment,

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he stood all agape, eyes fixed, and one arm in the
air.

“Why, barber, are you reaching up to catch birds
there with salt?”

“Ah!” turning round disenchanted, “it is only a
man, then.”

Only a man? As if to be but man were nothing.
But don't be too sure what I am. You call me man,
just as the townsfolk called the angels who, in man's
form, came to Lot's house; just as the Jew rustics called
the devils who, in man's form, haunted the tombs.
You can conclude nothing absolute from the human
form, barber.”

“But I can conclude something from that sort of
talk, with that sort of dress,” shrewdly thought the
barber, eying him with regained self-possession, and not
without some latent touch of apprehension at being
alone with him. What was passing in his mind seemed
divined by the other, who now, more rationally and
gravely, and as if he expected it should be attended to,
said: “Whatever else you may conclude upon, it is
my desire that you conclude to give me a good shave,”
at the same time loosening his neck-cloth. “Are you
competent to a good shave, barber?”

“No broker more so, sir,” answered the barber, whom
the business-like proposition instinctively made confine
to business-ends his views of the visitor.

“Broker? What has a broker to do with lather?
A broker I have always understood to be a worthy dealer
in certain papers and metals.”

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“He, he!” taking him now for some dry sort of joker,
whose jokes, he being a customer, it might be as well
to appreciate, “he, he! You understand well enough,
sir. Take this seat, sir,” laying his hand on a great
stuffed chair, high-backed and high-armed, crimsoncovered,
and raised on a sort of dais, and which seemed
but to lack a canopy and quarterings, to make it in
aspect quite a throne, “take this seat, sir.”

“Thank you,” sitting down; “and now, pray, explain
that about the broker. But look, look—what's
this?” suddenly rising, and pointing, with his long pipe,
towards a gilt notification swinging among colored flypapers
from the ceiling, like a tavern sign, “No Trust?
“No trust means distrust; distrust means no confidence.
Barber,” turning upon him excitedly, “what fell suspiciousness
prompts this scandalous confession? My
life!” stamping his foot, “if but to tell a dog that you
have no confidence in him be matter for affront to the
dog, what an insult to take that way the whole haughty
race of man by the beard! By my heart, sir! but at
least you are valiant; backing the spleen of Thersites
with the pluck of Agamemnon.”

“Your sort of talk, sir, is not exactly in my line,”
said the barber, rather ruefully, being now again hopeless
of his customer, and not without return of uneasiness;
“not in my line, sir,” he emphatically repeated.

“But the taking of mankind by the nose is; a habit,
barber, which I sadly fear has insensibly bred in you a
disrespect for man. For how, indeed, may respectful
conceptions of him coexist with the perpetual habit of

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taking him by the nose? But, tell me, though I, too,
clearly see the import of your notification, I do not, as
yet, perceive the object. What is it?”

“Now you speak a little in my line, sir,” said the
barber, not unrelieved at this return to plain talk;
“that notification I find very useful, sparing me much
work which would not pay. Yes, I lost a good deal,
off and on, before putting that up,” gratefully glancing
towards it.

“But what is its object? Surely, you don't mean to
say, in so many words, that you have no confidence?
For instance, now,” flinging aside his neck-cloth, throwing
back his blouse, and reseating himself on the tonsorial
throne, at sight of which proceeding the barber
mechanically filled a cup with hot water from a copper
vessel over a spirit-lamp, “for instance, now, suppose I
say to you, `Barber, my dear barber, unhappily I have
no small change by me to-night, but shave me, and
depend upon your money to-morrow'—suppose I should
say that now, you would put trust in me, wouldn't
you? You would have confidence?”

“Seeing that it is you, sir,” with complaisance
replied the barber, now mixing the lather, “seeing that
it is you, sir, I won't answer that question. No need to.”

“Of course, of course—in that view. But, as a supposition—
you would have confidence in me, wouldn't
you?”

“Why—yes, yes.”

“Then why that sign?”

“Ah, sir, all people ain't like you,” was the smooth

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reply, at the same time, as if smoothly to close the
debate, beginning smoothly to apply the lather, which
operation, however, was, by a motion, protested against
by the subject, but only out of a desire to rejoin, which
was done in these words:

“All people ain't like me. Then I must be either
better or worse than most people. Worse, you could
not mean; no, barber, you could not mean that; hardly
that. It remains, then, that you think me better than
most people. But that I ain't vain enough to believe;
though, from vanity, I confess, I could never yet, by my
best wrestlings, entirely free myself; nor, indeed, to be
frank, am I at bottom over anxious to—this same vanity,
barber, being so harmless, so useful, so comfortable, so
pleasingly preposterous a passion.”

“Very true, sir; and upon my honor, sir, you talk
very well. But the lather is getting a little cold, sir.”

“Better cold lather, barber, than a cold heart. Why
that cold sign? Ah, I don't wonder you try to shirk
the confession. You feel in your soul how ungenerous
a hint is there. And yet, barber, now that I look into
your eyes—which somehow speak to me of the mother
that must have so often looked into them before me—I
dare say, though you may not think it, that the spirit of
that notification is not one with your nature. For look
now, setting business views aside, regarding the thing
in an abstract light; in short, supposing a case, barber;
supposing, I say, you see a stranger, his face accidentally
averted, but his visible part very respectable-looking;
what now, barber—I put it to your conscience, to your

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[figure description] Page 356.[end figure description]

charity—what would be your impression of that man,
in a moral point of view? Being in a signal sense a
stranger, would you, for that, signally set him down for
a knave?”

“Certainly not, sir; by no means,” cried the barber,
humanely resentful.

“You would upon the face of him—”

“Hold, sir,” said the barber, “nothing about the face;
you remember, sir, that is out of sight.”

“I forgot that. Well then, you would, upon the
back of him, conclude him to be, not improbably, some
worthy sort of person; in short, an honest man; wouldn't
you?”

“Not unlikely I should, sir.”

“Well now—don't be so impatient with your brush,
barber—suppose that honest man meet you by night in
some dark corner of the boat where his face would still
remain unseen, asking you to trust him for a shave—
how then?”

“Wouldn't trust him, sir.”

“But is not an honest man to be trusted?”

“Why—why—yes, sir.”

“There! don't you see, now?”

“See what?” asked the disconcerted barber, rather
vexedly.

“Why, you stand self-contradicted, barber; don't
you?”

“No,” doggedly.

“Barber,” gravely, and after a pause of concern,
“the enemies of our race have a saying that insincerity

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[figure description] Page 357.[end figure description]

is the most universal and inveterate vice of man—the
lasting bar to real amelioration, whether of individuals
or of the world. Don't you now, barber, by your stubbornness
on this occasion, give color to such a calumny?”

“Hity-tity!” cried the barber, losing patience, and
with it respect; “stubbornness?” Then clattering
round the brush in the cup, “Will you be shaved, or
won't you?”

“Barber, I will be shaved, and with pleasure; but,
pray, don't raise your voice that way. Why, now, if
you go through life gritting your teeth in that fashion,
what a comfortless time you will have.”

“I take as much comfort in this world as you or any
other man,” cried the barber, whom the other's sweetness
of temper seemed rather to exasperate than soothe.

“To resent the imputation of anything like unhappiness
I have often observed to be peculiar to certain
orders of men,” said the other pensively, and half to
himself, “just as to be indifferent to that imputation,
from holding happiness but for a secondary good and inferior
grace, I have observed to be equally peculiar to
other kinds of men. Pray, barber,” innocently looking
up, “which think you is the superior creature?”

“All this sort of talk,” cried the barber, still unmollified,
“is, as I told you once before, not in my line. In
a few minutes I shall shut up this shop. Will you be
shaved?”

“Shave away, barber. What hinders?” turning up
his face like a flower.

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The shaving began, and proceeded in silence, till at
length it became necessary to prepare to relather a
little—affording an opportunity for resuming the subject,
which, on one side, was not let slip.

“Barber,” with a kind of cautious kindliness, feeling
his way, “barber, now have a little patience with me;
do; trust me, I wish not to offend. I have been thinking
over that supposed case of the man with the averted
face, and I cannot rid my mind of the impression that,
by your opposite replies to my questions at the time,
you showed yourself much of a piece with a good many
other men—that is, you have confidence, and then again,
you have none. Now, what I would ask is, do you
think it sensible standing for a sensible man, one foot
on confidence and the other on suspicion? Don't you
think, barber, that you ought to elect? Don't you
think consistency requires that you should either say `I
have confidence in all men,' and take down your notification;
or else say, `I suspect all men,' and keep it up.”

This dispassionate, if not deferential, way of putting
the case, did not fail to impress the barber, and proportionately
conciliate him. Likewise, from its pointedness,
it served to make him thoughtful; for, instead of going
to the copper vessel for more water, as he had purposed,
he halted half-way towards it, and, after a pause, cup in
hand, said: “Sir, I hope you would not do me injustice.
I don't say, and can't say, and wouldn't say, that
I suspect all men; but I do say that strangers are not
to be trusted, and so,” pointing up to the sign, “no
trust.”

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[figure description] Page 359.[end figure description]

“But look, now, I beg, barber,” rejoined the other
deprecatingly, not presuming too much upon the barber's
changed temper; “look, now; to say that strangers
are not to be trusted, does not that imply something
like saying that mankind is not to be trusted;
for the mass of mankind, are they not necessarily
strangers to each individual man? Come, come,
my friend,” winningly, “you are no Timon to hold
the mass of mankind untrustworthy. Take down
your notification; it is misanthropical; much the same
sign that Timon traced with charcoal on the forehead of
a skull stuck over his cave. Take it down, barber;
take it down to-night. Trust men. Just try the experiment
of trusting men for this one little trip. Come
now, I'm a philanthropist, and will insure you against
losing a cent.”

The barber shook his head dryly, and answered, “Sir,
you must excuse me. I have a family.”

-- --

CHAPTER XLIII. VERY CHARMING.

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So you are a philanthropist, sir,” added the barber
with an illuminated look; “that accounts, then, for all.
Very odd sort of man the philanthropist. You are the
second one, sir, I have seen. Very odd sort of man,
indeed, the philanthropist. Ah, sir,” again meditatively
stirring in the shaving-cup, “I sadly fear, lest you
philanthropists know better what goodness is, than
what men are.” Then, eying him as if he were some
strange creature behind cage-bars, “So you are a philanthropist,
sir.”

“I am Philanthropos, and love mankind. And, what
is more than you do, barber, I trust them.”

Here the barber, causally recalled to his business,
would have replenished his shaving-cup, but finding
now that on his last visit to the water-vessel he had not
replaced it over the lamp, he did so now; and, while
waiting for it to heat again, became almost as sociable
as if the heating water were meant for whisky-punch;
and almost as pleasantly garrulous as the pleasant barbers
in romances.

“Sir,” said he, taking a throne beside his customer

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(for in a row there were three thrones on the dais, as
for the three kings of Cologne, those patron saints of the
barber), “sir, you say you trust men. Well, I suppose
I might share some of your trust, were it not for
this trade, that I follow, too much letting me in behind
the scenes.”

“I think I understand,” with a saddened look; “and
much the same thing I have heard from persons in
pursuits different from yours—from the lawyer, from
the congressman, from the editor, not to mention others,
each, with a strange kind of melancholy vanity, claiming
for his vocation the distinction of affording the
surest inlets to the conviction that man is no better
than he should be. All of which testimony, if reliable,
would, by mutual corroboration, justify some disturbance
in a good man's mind. But no, no; it is a mistake—all
a mistake.”

“True, sir, very true,” assented the barber.

“Glad to hear that,” brightening up.

“Not so fast, sir,” said the barber; “I agree with you
in thinking that the lawyer, and the congressman, and
the editor, are in error, but only in so far as each claims
peculiar facilities for the sort of knowledge in question;
because, you see, sir, the truth is, that every trade or
pursuit which brings one into contact with the facts,
sir, such trade or pursuit is equally an avenue to those
facts.”

How exactly is that?”

“Why, sir, in my opinion—and for the last twenty
years I have, at odd times, turned the matter over some in

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my mind—he who comes to know man, will not remain
in ignorance of man. I think I am not rash in saying
that; am I, sir?”

“Barber, you talk like an oracle—obscurely, barber,
obscurely.”

“Well, sir,” with some self-complacency, “the barber
has always been held an oracle, but as for the obscurity,
that I don't admit.”

“But pray, now, by your account, what precisely
may be this mysterious knowledge gained in your trade?
I grant you, indeed, as before hinted, that your trade,
imposing on you the necessity of functionally tweaking
the noses of mankind, is, in that respect, unfortunate,
very much so; nevertheless, a well-regulated
imagination should be proof even to such a provocation
to improper conceits. But what I want to
learn from you, barber, is, how does the mere handling
of the outside of men's heads lead you to distrust the
inside of their hearts?

“What, sir, to say nothing more, can one be forever
dealing in macassar oil, hair dyes, cosmetics, false moustaches,
wigs, and toupees, and still believe that men are
wholly what they look to be? What think you, sir, are a
thoughtful barber's reflections, when, behind a careful
curtain, he shaves the thin, dead stubble off a head, and
then dismisses it to the world, radiant in curling auburn?
To contrast the shamefaced air behind the
curtain, the fearful looking forward to being possibly
discovered there by a prying acquaintance, with the
cheerful assurance and challenging pride with which

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the same man steps forth again, a gay deception, into
the street, while some honest, shock-headed fellow
humbly gives him the wall. Ah, sir, they may talk of
the courage of truth, but my trade teaches me that
truth sometimes is sheepish. Lies, lies, sir, brave lies
are the lions!”

“You twist the moral, barber; you sadly twist it.
Look, now; take it this way: A modest man thrust out
naked into the street, would he not be abashed? Take
him in and clothe him; would not his confidence be
restored? And in either case, is any reproach involved?
Now, what is true of the whole, holds proportionably
true of the part. The bald head is a nakedness which
the wig is a coat to. To feel uneasy at the possibility
of the exposure of one's nakedness at top, and to feel
comforted by the consciousness of having it clothed—
these feelings, instead of being dishonorable to a bold
man, do, in fact, but attest a proper respect for himself
and his fellows. And as for the deception, you may as
well call the fine roof of a fine chateau a deception,
since, like a fine wig, it also is an artificial cover to the
head, and equally, in the common eye, decorates the
wearer.—I have confuted you, my dear barber; I have
confounded you.”

“Pardon,” said the barber, “but I do not see that you
have. His coat and his roof no man pretends to palm
off as a part of himself, but the bald man palms off hair,
not his, for his own.”

“Not his, barber? If he have fairly purchased his
hair, the law will protect him in its ownership, even

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against the claims of the head on which it grew. But
it cannot be that you believe what you say, barber;
you talk merely for the humor. I could not think so
of you as to suppose that you would contentedly deal
in the impostures you condemn.”

“Ah, sir, I must live.”

“And can't you do that without sinning against your
conscience, as you believe? Take up some other calling.”

“Wouldn't mend the matter much, sir.”

“Do you think, then, barber, that, in a certain point,
all the trades and callings of men are much on a par?
Fatal, indeed,” raising his hand, “inexpressibly dreadful,
the trade of the barber, if to such conclusions it
necessarily leads. Barber,” eying him not without
emotion, “you appear to me not so much a misbeliever,
as a man misled. Now, let me set you on the right
track; let me restore you to trust in human nature, and
by no other means than the very trade that has brought
you to suspect it.”

“You mean, sir, you would have me try the experiment
of taking down that notification,” again pointing
to it with his brush; “but, dear me, while I sit chatting
here, the water boils over.”

With which words, and such a well-pleased, sly, snug,
expression, as they say some men have when they think
their little stratagem has succeeded, he hurried to the
copper vessel, and soon had his cup foaming up with
white bubbles, as if it were a mug of new ale.

Meantime, the other would have fain gone on with

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the discourse; but the cunning barber lathered him with
so generous a brush, so piled up the foam on him, that
his face looked like the yeasty crest of a billow, and vain
to think of talking under it, as for a drowning priest in
the sea to exhort his fellow-sinners on a raft. Nothing
would do, but he must keep his mouth shut. Doubtless,
the interval was not, in a meditative way, unimproved;
for, upon the traces of the operation being at last removed,
the cosmopolitan rose, and, for added refreshment,
washed his face and hands; and having generally
readjusted himself, began, at last, addressing the barber
in a manner different, singularly so, from his previous
one. Hard to say exactly what the manner was, any
more than to hint it was a sort of magical; in a benign
way, not wholly unlike the manner, fabled or otherwise,
of certain creatures in nature, which have the power of
persuasive fascination—the power of holding another
creature by the button of the eye, as it were, despite
the serious disinclination, and, indeed, earnest protest,
of the victim. With this manner the conclusion of the
matter was not out of keeping; for, in the end, all argument
and expostulation proved vain, the barber being
irresistibly persuaded to agree to try, for the remainder
of the present trip, the experiment of trusting men, as
both phrased it. True, to save his credit as a free agent,
he was loud in averring that it was only for the novelty
of the thing that he so agreed, and he required the other,
as before volunteered, to go security to him against any
loss that might ensue; but still the fact remained, that
he engaged to trust men, a thing he had before said he

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would not do, at least not unreservedly. Still the more
to save his credit, he now insisted upon it, as a last point,
that the agreement should be put in black and white,
especially the security part. The other made no demur;
pen, ink, and paper were provided, and grave as any
notary the cosmopolitan sat down, but, ere taking the
pen, glanced up at the notification, and said: “First
down with that sign, barber—Timon's sign, there; down
with it.”

This, being in the agreement, was done—though a little
reluctantly—with an eye to the future, the sign being
carefully put away in a drawer.

“Now, then, for the writing,” said the cosmopolitan,
squaring himself. “Ah,” with a sigh, “I shall make a
poor lawyer, I fear. Ain't used, you see, barber, to a
business which, ignoring the principle of honor, holds no
nail fast till clinched. Strange, barber,” taking up the
blank paper, “that such flimsy stuff as this should make
such strong hawsers; vile hawsers, too. Barber,”
starting up, “I won't put it in black and white. It
were a reflection upon our joint honor. I will take your
word, and you shall take mine.”

“But your memory may be none of the best, sir. Well
for you, on your side, to have it in black and white, just
for a memorandum like, you know.”

“That, indeed! Yes, and it would help your memory,
too, wouldn't it, barber? Yours, on your side, being a
little weak, too, I dare say. Ah, barber! how ingenious
we human beings are; and how kindly we reciprocate
each other's little delicacies, don't we? What better

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proof, now, that we are kind, considerate fellows, with
responsive fellow-feelings—eh, barber? But to business.
Let me see. What's your name, barber?”

“William Cream, sir.”

Pondering a moment, he began to write; and, after
some corrections, leaned back, and read aloud the following:

Agreement
“Between
Frank Goodman, Philanthropist, and Citizen of the World,
“and
William Cream, Barber of the Mississippi steamer, Fidèle.

“The first hereby agrees to make good to the last any loss that may
come from his trusting mankind, in the way of his vocation, for the residue
of the present trip; PROVIDED that William Cream keep out of
sight, for the given term, his notification of `No Trust,' and by no other
mode convey any, the least hint or intimation, tending to discourage
men from soliciting trust from him, in the way of his vocation, for the
time above specified; but, on the contrary, he do, by all proper and
reasonable words, gestures, manners, and looks, evince a perfect confidence
in all men, especially strangers; otherwise, this agreement to be
void.

“Done, in good faith, this 1st day of April, 18—, at a quarter to
twelve o'clock, P. M., in the shop of said William Cream, on board the
said boat, Fidèle.”

“There, barber; will that do?”

“That will do,” said the barber, “only now put down
your name.”

Both signatures being affixed, the question was started
by the barber, who should have custody of the instrument;
which point, however, he settled for himself, by
proposing that both should go together to the captain,

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and give the document into his hands—the barber hinting
that this would be a safe proceeding, because the
captain was necessarily a party disinterested, and, what
was more, could not, from the nature of the present
case, make anything by a breach of trust. All of which
was listened to with some surprise and concern.

“Why, barber,” said the cosmopolitan, “this don't
show the right spirit; for me, I have confidence in the
captain purely because he is a man; but he shall have
nothing to do with our affair; for if you have no confidence
in me, barber, I have in you. There, keep the
paper yourself,” handing it magnanimously.

“Very good,” said the barber, “and now nothing remains
but for me to receive the cash.”

Though the mention of that word, or any of its singularly
numerous equivalents, in serious neighborhood
to a requisition upon one's purse, is attended with a
more or less noteworthy effect upon the human countenance,
producing in many an abrupt fall of it—in others,
a writhing and screwing up of the features to a point
not undistressing to behold, in some, attended with a
blank pallor and fatal consternation—yet no trace of
any of these symptoms was visible upon the countenance
of the cosmopolitan, notwithstanding nothing could be
more sudden and unexpected than the barber's demand.

“You speak of cash, barber; pray in what connection?”

“In a nearer one, sir,” answered the barber, less
blandly, “than I thought the man with the sweet voice

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stood, who wanted me to trust him once for a shave, on
the score of being a sort of thirteenth cousin.”

“Indeed, and what did you say to him?”

“I said, `Thank you, sir, but I don't see the connection.
'”

“How could you so unsweetly answer one with a
sweet voice?”

“Because, I recalled what the son of Sirach says in
the True Book: `An enemy speaketh sweetly with his
lips;' and so I did what the son of Sirach advises in such
cases: `I believed not his many words.'”

“What, barber, do you say that such cynical sort of
things are in the True Book, by which, of course, you
mean the Bible?”

“Yes, and plenty more to the same effect. Read the
Book of Proverbs.”

“That's strange, now, barber; for I never happen to
have met with those passages you cite. Before I go
to bed this night, I'll inspect the Bible I saw on the
cabin-table, to-day. But mind, you mustn't quote the
True Book that way to people coming in here; it would
be impliedly a violation of the contract. But you don't
know how glad I feel that you have for one while signed
off all that sort of thing.”

“No, sir; not unless you down with the cash.”

“Cash again! What do you mean?”

“Why, in this paper here, you engage, sir, to insure
me against a certain loss, and—”

“Certain? Is it so certain you are going to lose?”

“Why, that way of taking the word may not be

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amiss, but I didn't mean it so. I meant a certain loss;
you understand, a CERTAIN loss; that is to say, a certain
loss. Now then, sir, what use your mere writing
and saying you will insure me, unless beforehand you
place in my hands a money-pledge, sufficient to that
end?”

“I see; the material pledge.”

“Yes, and I will put it low; say fifty dollars.”

“Now what sort of a beginning is this? You, barber,
for a given time engage to trust man, to put confidence
in men, and, for your first step, make a demand
implying no confidence in the very man you engage
with. But fifty dollars is nothing, and I would let you
have it cheerfully, only I unfortunately happen to have
but little change with me just now.”

“But you have money in your trunk, though?”

“To be sure. But you see—in fact, barber, you
must be consistent. No, I won't let you have the money
now; I won't let you violate the inmost spirit of our
contract, that way. So good-night, and I will see you
again.”

“Stay, sir”—humming and hawing—“you have forgotten
something.”

“Handkerchief?—gloves? No, forgotten nothing.
Good-night.”

“Stay, sir—the—the shaving.”

“Ah, I did forget that. But now that it strikes me,
I shan't pay you at present. Look at your agreement;
you must trust. Tut! against loss you hold the guarantee.
Good-night, my dear barber.”

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With which words he sauntered off, leaving the barber
in a maze, staring after.

But it holding true in fascination as in natural philosophy,
that nothing can act where it is not, so the
barber was not long now in being restored to his self-possession
and senses; the first evidence of which perhaps
was, that, drawing forth his notification from the drawer,
he put it back where it belonged; while, as for the
agreement, that he tore up; which he felt the more free
to do from the impression that in all human probability
he would never again see the person who had drawn it.
Whether that impression proved well-founded or not,
does not appear. But in after days, telling the night's
adventure to his friends, the worthy barber always
spoke of his queer customer as the man-charmer—as
certain East Indians are called snake-charmers—and all
his friends united in thinking him quite an Original.

-- --

CHAPTER XLIV. IN WHICH THE LAST THREE WORDS OF THE LAST CHAPTER ARE MADE THE TEXT OF DISCOURSE, WHICH WILL BE SURE OF RECEIVING MORE OR LESS ATTENTION FROM THOSE READERS WHO DO NOT SKIP IT.

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una

Quite an Original:” A phrase, we fancy, rather
oftener used by the young, or the unlearned, or the untraveled,
than by the old, or the well-read, or the man
who has made the grand tour. Certainly, the sense of
originality exists at its highest in an infant, and probably
at its lowest in him who has completed the circle
of the sciences.

As for original characters in fiction, a grateful reader
will, on meeting with one, keep the anniversary of that
day. True, we sometimes hear of an author who, at
one creation, produces some two or three score such
characters; it may be possible. But they can hardly
be original in the sense that Hamlet is, or Don Quixote,
or Milton's Satan. That is to say, they are not, in a
thorough sense, original at all. They are novel, or
singular, or striking, or captivating, or all four at
once.

More likely, they are what are called odd characters;
but for that, are no more original, than what is called

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an odd genius, in his way, is. But, if original, whence
came they? Or where did the novelist pick them
up?

Where does any novelist pick up any character?
For the most part, in town, to be sure. Every great
town is a kind of man-show, where the novelist goes for
his stock, just as the agriculturist goes to the cattleshow
for his. But in the one fair, new species of quadrupeds
are hardly more rare, than in the other are new
species of characters—that is, original ones. Their
rarity may still the more appear from this, that, while
characters, merely singular, imply but singular forms,
so to speak, original ones, truly so, imply original
instincts.

In short, a due conception of what is to be held for
this sort of personage in fiction would make him almost
as much of a prodigy there, as in real history is a new
law-giver, a revolutionizing philosopher, or the founder
of a new religion.

In nearly all the original characters, loosely accounted
such in works of invention, there is discernible
something prevailingly local, or of the age; which circumstance,
of itself, would seem to invalidate the claim,
judged by the principles here suggested.

Furthermore, if we consider, what is popularly held
to entitle characters in fiction to being deemed original,
is but something personal—confined to itself. The character
sheds not its characteristic on its surroundings,
whereas, the original character, essentially such, is like
a revolving Drummond light, raying away from itself

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all round it—everything is lit by it, everything starts
up to it (mark how it is with Hamlet), so that, in certain
minds, there follows upon the adequate conception
of such a character, an effect, in its way, akin to that
which in Genesis attends upon the beginning of
things.

For much the same reason that there is but one
planet to one orbit, so can there be but one such original
character to one work of invention. Two would
conflict to chaos. In this view, to say that there are
more than one to a book, is good presumption there is
none at all. But for new, singular, striking, odd, eccentric,
and all sorts of entertaining and instructive characters,
a good fiction may be full of them. To produce
such characters, an author, beside other things, must
have seen much, and seen through much: to produce
but one original character, he must have had much
luck.

There would seem but one point in common between
this sort of phenomenon in fiction and all other sorts:
it cannot be born in the author's imagination—it being
as true in literature as in zoology, that all life is from
the egg.

In the endeavor to show, if possible, the impropriety
of the phrase, Quite an Original, as applied by the barber's
friends, we have, at unawares, been led into a
dissertation bordering upon the prosy, perhaps upon the
smoky. If so, the best use the smoke can be turned
to, will be, by retiring under cover of it, in good trim
as may be, to the story.

-- --

CHAPTER XLV. THE COSMOPOLITAN INCREASES IN SERIOUSNESS.

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In the middle of the gentlemen's cabin burned a solar
lamp, swung from the ceiling, and whose shade of
ground glass was all round fancifully variegated, in
transparency, with the image of a horned altar, from
which flames rose, alternate with the figure of a robed
man, his head encircled by a halo. The light of this
lamp, after dazzlingly striking on marble, snow-white
and round—the slab of a centre-table beneath—on all
sides went rippling off with ever-diminishing distinctness,
till, like circles from a stone dropped in water, the
rays died dimly away in the furthest nook of the
place.

Here and there, true to their place, but not to their
function, swung other lamps, barren planets, which
had either gone out from exhaustion, or been extinguished
by such occupants of berths as the light annoyed,
or who wanted to sleep, not see.

By a perverse man, in a berth not remote, the remaining
lamp would have been extinguished as well, had
not a steward forbade, saying that the commands of the
captain required it to be kept burning till the natural

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light of day should come to relieve it. This steward, who,
like many in his vocation, was apt to be a little freespoken
at times, had been provoked by the man's pertinacity
to remind him, not only of the sad consequences
which might, upon occasion, ensue from the cabin being
left in darkness, but, also, of the circumstance that,
in a place full of strangers, to show one's self anxious to
produce darkness there, such an anxiety was, to say the
least, not becoming. So the lamp—last survivor of
many—burned on, inwardly blessed by those in some
berths, and inwardly execrated by those in others.

Keeping his lone vigils beneath his lone lamp, which
lighted his book on the table, sat a clean, comely, old
man, his head snowy as the marble, and a countenance
like that which imagination ascribes to good Simeon,
when, having at last beheld the Master of Faith, he blessed
him and departed in peace. From his hale look of
greenness in winter, and his hands ingrained with the
tan, less, apparently, of the present summer, than of
accumulated ones past, the old man seemed a well-to-do
farmer, happily dismissed, after a thrifty life of activity,
from the fields to the fireside—one of those who,
at three-score-and-ten, are fresh-hearted as at fifteen;
to whom seclusion gives a boon more blessed than
knowledge, and at last sends them to heaven untainted
by the world, because ignorant of it; just as a countryman
putting up at a London inn, and never stirring out
of it as a sight-seer, will leave London at last without
once being lost in its fog, or soiled by its mud.

Redolent from the barber's shop, as any bridegroom

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tripping to the bridal chamber might come, and by his
look of cheeriness seeming to dispense a sort of morning
through the night, in came the cosmopolitan; but marking
the old man, and how he was occupied, he toned
himself down, and trod softly, and took a seat on the
other side of the table, and said nothing. Still, there
was a kind of waiting expression about him.

“Sir,” said the old man, after looking up puzzled at
him a moment, “sir,” said he, “one would think this
was a coffee-house, and it was war-time, and I had
a newspaper here with great news, and the only copy
to be had, you sit there looking at me so eager.”

“And so you have good news there, sir—the very
best of good news.”

“Too good to be true,” here came from one of the
curtained berths.

“Hark!” said the cosmopolitan. “Some one talks
in his sleep.”

“Yes,” said the old man, “and you—you seem to be
talking in a dream. Why speak you, sir, of news, and
all that, when you must see this is a book I have here—
the Bible, not a newspaper?”

“I know that; and when you are through with it—
but not a moment sooner—I will thank you for it. It
belongs to the boat, I believe—a present from a society.”

“Oh, take it, take it!”

“Nay, sir, I did not mean to touch you at all. I
simply stated the fact in explanation of my waiting here—
nothing more. Read on, sir, or you will distress me.”

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This courtesy was not without effect. Removing his
spectacles, and saying he had about finished his chapter,
the old man kindly presented the volume, which was
received with thanks equally kind. After reading for
some minutes, until his expression merged from attentiveness
into seriousness, and from that into a kind of
pain, the cosmopolitan slowly laid down the book, and
turning to the old man, who thus far had been watching
him with benign curiosity, said: “Can you, my aged
friend, resolve me a doubt—a disturbing doubt?”

“There are doubts, sir,” replied the old man, with a
changed countenance, “there are doubts, sir, which,
if man have them, it is not man that can solve
them.”

“True; but look, now, what my doubt is. I am one
who thinks well of man. I love man. I have confidence
in man. But what was told me not a half-hour
since? I was told that I would find it written—`Believe
not his many words—an enemy speaketh sweetly
with his lips'—and also I was told that I would find a
good deal more to the same effect, and all in this book.
I could not think it; and, coming here to look for myself,
what do I read? Not only just what was quoted,
but also, as was engaged, more to the same purpose,
such as this: `With much communication he will
tempt thee; he will smile upon thee, and speak thee fair,
and say What wantest thou? If thou be for his profit
he will use thee; he will make thee bear, and will not
be sorry for it. Observe and take good heed. When
thou hearest these things, awake in thy sleep.'”

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“Who's that describing the confidence-man?” here
came from the berth again.

“Awake in his sleep, sure enough, ain't he?” said the
cosmopolitan, again looking off in surprise. “Same
voice as before, ain't it? Strange sort of dreamy man,
that. Which is his berth, pray?”

“Never mind him, sir,” said the old man anxiously,
“but tell me truly, did you, indeed, read from the book
just now?”

“I did,” with changed air, “and gall and wormwood
it is to me, a truster in man; to me, a philanthropist.”

“Why,” moved, “you don't mean to say, that what
you repeated is really down there? Man and boy, I
have read the good book this seventy years, and don't
remember seeing anything like that. Let me see it,”
rising earnestly, and going round to him.

“There it is; and there—and there”—turning over
the leaves, and pointing to the sentences one by one;
“there—all down in the `Wisdom of Jesus, the Son of
Sirach.'”

“Ah!” cried the old man, brightening up, “now I
know. Look,” turning the leaves forward and back, till
all the Old Testament lay flat on one side, and all the
New Testament flat on the other, while in his fingers he
supported vertically the portion between, “look, sir, all
this to the right is certain truth, and all this to the left
is certain truth, but all I hold in my hand here is
apocrypha.”

“Apocrypha?”

“Yes; and there's the word in black and white,'

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pointing to it. “And what says the word? It says as
much as `not warranted;' for what do college men say
of anything of that sort? They say it is apocryphal.
The word itself, I've heard from the pulpit, implies
something of uncertain credit. So if your disturbance
be raised from aught in this apocrypha,” again taking
up the pages, “in that case, think no more of it, for it's
apocrypha.”

“What's that about the Apocalypse?” here, a third
time, came from the berth.

“He's seeing visions now, ain't he?” said the cosmopolitan,
once more looking in the direction of the interruption.
“But, sir,” resuming, “I cannot tell you how
thankful I am for your reminding me about the apocrypha
here. For the moment, its being such escaped me.
Fact is, when all is bound up together, it's sometimes
confusing. The uncanonical part should be bound distinct.
And, now that I think of it, how well did those
learned doctors who rejected for us this whole book of
Sirach. I never read anything so calculated to destroy
man's confidence in man. This son of Sirach even says—
I saw it but just now: `Take heed of thy friends;' not,
observe, thy seeming friends, thy hypocritical friends,
thy false friends, but thy friends, thy real friends—that
is to say, not the truest friend in the world is to be implicitly
trusted. Can Rochefoucault equal that? I
should not wonder if his view of human nature, like
Machiavelli's, was taken from this Son of Sirach. And
to call it wisdom—the Wisdom of the Son of Sirach!
Wisdom, indeed! What an ugly thing wisdom must

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be! Give me the folly that dimples the cheek, say I,
rather than the wisdom that curdles the blood. But
no, no; it ain't wisdom; it's apocrypha, as you say, sir.
For how can that be trustworthy that teaches distrust?”

“I tell you what it is,” here cried the same voice as
before, only more in less of mockery, “if you two don't
know enough to sleep, don't be keeping wiser men
awake. And if you want to know what wisdom is, go
find it under your blankets.”

“Wisdom?” cried another voice with a borgue;
“arrah, and is't wisdom the two geese are gabbling
about all this while? To bed with ye, ye divils, and
don't be after burning your fingers with the likes of
wisdom.

“We must talk lower,” said the old man; “I fear we
have annoyed these good people.”

“I should be sorry if wisdom annoyed any one,” said
the other; “but we will lower our voices, as you say.
To resume: taking the thing as I did, can you be surprised
at my uneasiness in reading passages so charged
with the spirit of distrust?”

“No, sir, I am not surprised,” said the old man; then
added: “from what you say, I see you are something
of my way of thinking—you think that to distrust the
creature, is a kind of distrusting of the Creator. Well,
my young friend, what is it? This is rather late for you
to be about. What do you want of me?”

These questions were put to a boy in the fragment of
an old linen coat, bedraggled and yellow, who, coming

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in from the deck barefooted on the soft carpet, had been
unheard. All pointed and fluttering, the rags of the
little fellow's red-flannel shirt, mixed with those of his
yellow coat, flamed about him like the painted flames in
the robes of a victim in auto-da-fe. His face, too, wore
such a polish of seasoned grime, that his sloe-eyes
sparkled from out it like lustrous sparks in fresh coal.
He was a juvenile peddler, or marchand, as the polite
French might have called him, of travelers' conveniences;
and, having no allotted sleeping-place, had, in
his wanderings about the boat, spied, through glass
doors, the two in the cabin; and, late though it was,
thought it might never be too much so for turning a
penny.

Among other things, he carried a curious affair—a
miniature mahogany door, hinged to its frame, and suitably
furnished in all respects but one, which will shortly
appear. This little door he now meaningly held before
the old man, who, after staring at it a while, said: “Go
thy ways with thy toys, child.”

“Now, may I never get so old and wise as that comes
to,” laughed the boy through his grime; and, by so
doing, disclosing leopard-like teeth, like those of Murillo's
wild beggar-boy's.

“The divils are laughing now, are they?” here came
the brogue from the berth. “What do the divils find to
laugh about in wisdom, begorrah? To bed with ye, ye
divils, and no more of ye.”

“You see, child, you have disturbed that person,”
said the old man; “you mustn't laugh any more.”

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“Ah, now,” said the cosmopolitan, “don't, pray, say
that; don't let him think that poor Laughter is persecuted
for a fool in this world.”

“Well,” said the old man to the boy, “you must, at
any rate, speak very low.”

“Yes, that wouldn't be amiss, perhaps,” said the
cosmopolitan; “but, my fine fellow, you were about
saying something to my aged friend here; what was
it?”

“Oh,” with a lowered voice, coolly opening and shutting
his little door, “only this: when I kept a toystand
at the fair in Cincinnati last month, I sold more
than one old man a child's rattle.”

“No doubt of it,” said the old man. “I myself often
buy such things for my little grandchildren.”

“But these old men I talk of were old bachelors.”

The old man stared at him a moment; then, whispering
to the cosmopolitan: “Strange boy, this; sort of
simple, ain't he? Don't know much, hey?”

“Not much,” said the boy, “or I wouldn't be so
ragged.”

“Why, child, what sharp ears you have!” exclaimed
the old man.

“If they were duller, I would hear less ill of myself,”
said the boy.

“You seem pretty wise, my lad,” said the cosmopolitan;
“why don't you sell your wisdom, and buy a
coat?”

“Faith,” said the boy, “that's what I did to-day, and
this is the coat that the prince of my wisdom bought.

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But won't you trade? See, now, it is not the door I
want to sell; I only carry the door round for a specimen,
like. Look now, sir,” standing the thing up on the
table, “supposing this little door is your state-room
door; well,” opening it, “you go in for the night;
you close your door behind you—thus. Now, is all
safe?”

“I suppose so, child,” said the old man.

“Of course it is, my fine fellow,” said the cosmopolitan.

“All safe. Well. Now, about two o'clock in the
morning, say, a soft-handed gentleman comes softly and
tries the knob here—thus; in creeps my soft-handed
gentleman; and hey, presto! how comes on the soft
cash?”

“I see, I see, child,” said the old man; “your fine
gentleman is a fine thief, and there's no lock to your
little door to keep him out;” with which words he
peered at it more closely than before.

“Well, now,” again showing his white teeth, “well,
now, some of you old folks are knowing 'uns, sure
enough; but now comes the great invention,” producing
a small steel contrivance, very simple but ingenious,
and which, being clapped on the inside of the little
door, secured it as with a bolt. “There now,” admiringly
holding it off at arm's-length, “there now, let
that soft-handed gentleman come now a' softly trying
this little knob here, and let him keep a' trying till he
finds his head as soft as his hand. Buy the traveler's
patent lock, sir, only twenty-five cents.”

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“Dear me,” cried the old man, “this beats printing.
Yes, child, I will have one, and use it this very
night.”

With the phlegm of an old banker pouching the
change, the boy now turned to the other: “Sell you
one, sir?”

“Excuse me, my fine fellow, but I never use such
blacksmiths' things.”

“Those who give the blacksmith most work seldom
do,” said the boy, tipping him a wink expressive of a
degree of indefinite knowingness, not uninteresting to
consider in one of his years. But the wink was not
marked by the old man, nor, to all appearances, by him
for whom it was intended.

“Now then,” said the boy, again addressing the old
man. “With your traveler's lock on your door to-night,
you will think yourself all safe, won't you?”

“I think I will, child.”

“But how about the window?”

“Dear me, the window, child. I never thought of
that. I must see to that.”

“Never you mind about the window,” said the boy,
nor, to be honor bright, about the traveler's lock either,
(though I ain't sorry for selling one), do you just buy
one of these little jokers,” producing a number of suspender-like
objects, which he dangled before the old
man; “money-belts, sir; only fifty cents.”

“Money-belt? never heard of such a thing.”

“A sort of pocket-book,” said the boy, “only a safer
sort. Very good for travelers.”

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“Oh, a pocket-book. Queer looking pocket-books
though, seems to me. Ain't they rather long and narrow
for pocket-books?”

“They go round the waist, sir, inside,” said the boy
“door open or locked, wide awake on your feet or fast
asleep in your chair, impossible to be robbed with a
money-belt.”

“I see, I see. It would be hard to rob one's money-belt.
And I was told to-day the Mississippi is a bad
river for pick-pockets. How much are they?”

“Only fifty cents, sir.”

“I'll take one. There!”

“Thank-ee. And now there's a present for ye,” with
which, drawing from his breast a batch of little papers,
he threw one before the old man, who, looking at it, read
Counterfeit Detector.

“Very good thing,” said the boy, “I give it to all my
customers who trade seventy-five cents' worth; best
present can be made them. Sell you a money-belt,
sir?” turning to the cosmopolitan.

“Excuse me, my fine fellow, but I never use that
sort of thing; my money I carry loose.”

“Loose bait ain't bad,” said the boy, “look a lie and
find the truth; don't care about a Counterfeit Detector,
do ye? or is the wind East, d'ye think?”

“Child,” said the old man in some concern, “you
mustn't sit up any longer, it affects your mind; there, go
away, go to bed.”

“If I had some people's brains to lie on, I would,”
said the boy, “but planks is hard, you know.”

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“Go, child—go, go!”

“Yes, child,—yes, yes,” said the boy, with which
roguish parody, by way of congé, he scraped back his
hard foot on the woven flowers of the carpet, much as a
mischievous steer in May scrapes back his horny hoof
in the pasture; and then with a flourish of his hat—
which, like the rest of his tatters, was, thanks to hard
times, a belonging beyond his years, though not beyond
his experience, being a grown man's cast-off beaver—
turned, and with the air of a young Caffre, quitted the
place.

“That's a strange boy,” said the old man, looking
after him. “I wonder who's his mother; and whether
she knows what late hours he keeps?”

“The probability is,” observed the other, “that his
mother does not know. But if you remember, sir, you
were saying something, when the boy interrupted you
with his door.”

“So I was.—Let me see,” unmindful of his purchases
for the moment, “what, now, was it? What was that
I was saying? Do you remember?”

“Not perfectly, sir; but, if I am not mistaken, it was
something like this: you hoped you did not distrust the
creature; for that would imply distrust of the Creator.”

“Yes, that was something like it,” mechanically and
unintelligently letting his eye fall now on his purchases.

“Pray, will you put your money in your belt to-night?”

“It's best, ain't it?” with a slight start. “Never

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too late to be cautious. `Beware of pick-pockets' is
all over the boat.”

“Yes, and it must have been the Son of Sirach, or
some other morbid cynic, who put them there. But
that's not to the purpose. Since you are minded to it,
pray, sir, let me help you about the belt. I think that,
between us, we can make a secure thing of it.”

“Oh no, no, no!” said the old man, not unperturbed,
“no, no, I wouldn't trouble you for the world,” then,
nervously folding up the belt, “and I won't be so impolite
as to do it for myself, before you, either. But,
now that I think of it,” after a pause, carefully taking
a little wad from a remote corner of his vest pocket,
“here are two bills they gave me at St. Louis, yesterday.
No doubt they are all right; but just to pass
time, I'll compare them with the Detector here. Blessed
boy to make me such a present. Public benefactor,
that little boy!”

Laying the Detector square before him on the table,
he then, with something of the air of an officer bringing
by the collar a brace of culprits to the bar, placed the
two bills opposite the Detector, upon which, the examination
began, lasting some time, prosecuted with
no small research and vigilance, the forefinger of the
right hand proving of lawyer-like efficacy in tracing out
and pointing the evidence, whichever way it might go.

After watching him a while, the cosmopolitan said in
a formal voice, “Well, what say you, Mr. Foreman;
guilty, or not guilty?—Not guilty, ain't it?”

“I don't know, I don't know,” returned the old man,

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perplexed, “there's so many marks of all sorts to go by,
it makes it a kind of uncertain. Here, now, is this bill,”
touching one, “it looks to be a three dollar bill on
the Vicksburgh Trust and Insurance Banking Company.
Well, the Detector says—”

“But why, in this case, care what it says? Trust and
Insurance! What more would you have?”

“No; but the Detector says, among fifty other things,
that, if a good bill, it must have, thickened here and
there into the substance of the paper, little wavy spots
of red; and it says they must have a kind of silky feel,
being made by the lint of a red silk handkerchief stirred
up in the paper-maker's vat—the paper being made to
order for the company.”

“Well, and is—”

“Stay. But then it adds, that sign is not always to
be relied on; for some good bills get so worn, the red
marks get rubbed out. And that's the case with my
bill here—see how old it is—or else it's a counterfeit, or
else—I don't see right—or else—dear, dear me—I don't
know what else to think.”

“What a peck of trouble that Detector makes for you
now; believe me, the bill is good; don't be so distrustful.
Proves what I've always thought, that much of
the want of confidence, in these days, is owing to these
Counterfeit Detectors you see on every desk and counter.
Puts people up to suspecting good bills. Throw it
away, I beg, if only because of the trouble it breeds
you.”

“No; it's troublesome, but I think I'll keep it.—Stay,

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now, here's another sign. It says that, if the bill is good, it
must have in one corner, mixed in with the vignette, the
figure of a goose, very small, indeed, all but microscopic;
and, for added precaution, like the figure of Napoleon
outlined by the tree, not observable, even if magnified,
unless the attention is directed to it. Now, pore over it
as I will, I can't see this goose.”

“Can't see the goose? why, I can; and a famous
goose it is. There” (reaching over and pointing to
a spot in the vignette).

“I don't see it—dear me—I don't see the goose. Is
it a real goose?”

“A perfect goose; beautiful goose.”

“Dear, dear, I don't see it.”

“Then throw that Detector away, I say again; it
only makes you purblind; don't you see what a wildgoose
chase it has led you? The bill is good. Throw
the Detector away.”

“No; it ain't so satisfactory as I thought for, but
I must examine this other bill.”

“As you please, but I can't in conscience assist you
any more; pray, then, excuse me.”

So, while the old man with much painstakings resumed
his work, the cosmopolitan, to allow him every
facility, resumed his reading. At length, seeing that he
had given up his undertaking as hopeless, and was at
leisure again, the cosmopolitan addressed some gravely
interesting remarks to him about the book before him,
and, presently, becoming more and more grave, said, as
he turned the large volume slowly over on the table,

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and with much difficulty traced the faded remains of the
gilt inscription giving the name of the society who had
presented it to the boat, “Ah, sir, though every one
must be pleased at the thought of the presence in public
places of such a book, yet there is something that
abates the satisfaction. Look at this volume; on the
outside, battered as any old valise in the baggage-room;
and inside, white and virgin as the hearts of lilies in
bud.”

“So it is, so it is,” said the old man sadly, his attention
for the first directed to the circumstance.

“Nor is this the only time,” continued the other,
“that I have observed these public Bibles in boats and
hotels. All much like this—old without, and new
within. True, this aptly typifies that internal freshness,
the best mark of truth, however ancient; but then,
it speaks not so well as could be wished for the good
book's esteem in the minds of the traveling public. I
may err, but it seems to me that if more confidence
was put in it by the traveling public, it would hardly
be so.”

With an expression very unlike that with which he
had bent over the Detector, the old man sat meditating
upon his companion's remarks a while; and, at last, with
a rapt look, said: “And yet, of all people, the traveling
public most need to put trust in that guardianship which
is made known in this book.”

“True, true,” thoughtfully assented the other.

“And one would think they would want to, and
be glad to,” continued the old man kindling; “for, in

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all our wanderings through this vale, how pleasant, not
less than obligatory, to feel that we need start at no
wild alarms, provide for no wild perils; trusting in that
Power which is alike able and willing to protect us
when we cannot ourselves.”

His manner produced something answering to it in
the cosmopolitan, who, leaning over towards him, said
sadly: “Though this is a theme on which travelers
seldom talk to each other, yet, to you, sir, I will say,
that I share something of your sense of security. I have
moved much about the world, and still keep at it; nevertheless,
though in this land, and especially in these
parts of it, some stories are told about steamboats and
railroads fitted to make one a little apprehensive, yet, I
may say that, neither by land nor by water, am I ever
seriously disquieted, however, at times, transiently uneasy;
since, with you, sir, I believe in a Committee
of Safety, holding silent sessions over all, in an invisible
patrol, most alert when we soundest sleep, and whose
beat lies as much through forests as towns, along rivers
as streets. In short, I never forget that passage of
Scripture which says, `Jehovah shall be thy confidence.'
The traveler who has not this trust, what miserable
misgivings must be his; or, what vain, short-sighted
care must he take of himself.”

“Even so,” said the old man, lowly.

“There is a chapter,” continued the other, again
taking the book, “which, as not amiss, I must read you.
But this lamp, solar-lamp as it is, begins to burn dimly.”

“So it does, so it does,” said the old man with

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changed air, “dear me, it must be very late. I must to
bed, to bed! Let me see,” rising and looking wistfully all
round, first on the stools and settees, and then on the
carpet, “let me see, let me see;—is there anything I
have forgot,—forgot? Something I a sort of dimly remember.
Something, my son—careful man—told me at
starting this morning, this very morning. Something
about seeing to—something before I got into my berth.
What could it be? Something for safety. Oh, my poor
old memory!”

“Let me give a little guess, sir. Life-preserver?”

“So it was. He told me not to omit seeing I had a
life-preserver in my state-room; said the boat supplied
them, too. But where are they? I don't see any.
What are they like?”

“They are something like this, sir, I believe,” lifting
a brown stool with a curved tin compartment underneath;
“yes, this, I think, is a life-preserver, sir; and
a very good one, I should say, though I don't pretend to
know much about such things, never using them myself.”

“Why, indeed, now! Who would have thought it?
that a life-preserver? That's the very stool I was sitting
on, ain't it?”

“It is. And that shows that one's life is looked out
for, when he ain't looking out for it himself. In fact,
any of these stools here will float you, sir, should the
boat hit a snag, and go down in the dark. But, since
you want one in your room, pray take this one,” handing
it to him. “I think I can recommend this one; the

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tin part,” rapping it with his knuckles, “seems so perfect—
sounds so very hollow.”

“Sure it's quite perfect, though?” Then, anxiously
putting on his spectacles, he scrutinized it pretty
closely—“well soldered? quite tight?”

“I should say so, sir; though, indeed, as I said, I
never use this sort of thing, myself. Still, I think that
in case of a wreck, barring sharp-pointed timbers, you
could have confidence in that stool for a special providence.”

“Then, good-night, good-night; and Providence have
both of us in its good keeping.”

“Be sure it will,” eying the old man with sympathy,
as for the moment he stood, money-belt in hand, and
life-preserver under arm, “be sure it will, sir, since
in Providence, as in man, you and I equally put trust.
But, bless me, we are being left in the dark here. Pah!
what a smell, too.”

“Ah, my way now,” cried the old man, peering before
him, “where lies my way to my state-room?”

“I have indifferent eyes, and will show you; but, first,
for the good of all lungs, let me extinguish this lamp.”

The next moment, the waning light expired, and with
it the waning flames of the horned altar, and the waning
halo round the robed man's brow; while in the darkness
which ensued, the cosmopolitan kindly led the old man
away. Something further may follow of this Masquerade.

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Melville, Herman, 1819-1891 [1857], The confidence-man: his masquerade. (Dix, Edwards & Co., New York) [word count] [eaf640T].
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