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It has been asked, why, in writing this memoir;
have I taken my clown, from the Irish ration? The
character of the English clown, I did not well understand;
nor could I imitate the manner of speaking.
That of the Scotch I have tried, as may be seen, in
the character of Duncan. But I found it, in my
hands, rather insipid. The character of the Irish
clown, to use the language of Rousseau, “has more
stuff in it.” He will attempt any thing.

The American has in fact, yet, no character;
neither the clown, nor the gentleman. So that I
could not take one from our own country; which I
would much rather have done, as the scene lay here.
But the midland states of America, and the western
parts in general, being half Ireland, the character of
the Irish clown, will not be wholly misunderstood.
It is true the clown is taken from the aboriginal
Irish; a character no so well known in the North of
that country; nevertheless, it is still so much known,
even there, and amongst the emigrants here, or their
descendants, that it will not be wholly thrown away.

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On the Irish stage, it is a standing character;
and on the theatre in Britain, it is also introduced. I
have not been able to do it justice, being but half an
Irishman, myself, and not so well acquainted with
the reversions, and idiom, of the genuine Thady, as
I could wish. However, the imitation at a distance
from the original, will better pass than if it had been
written, and read, nearer home. Foreigners will not
so readily distinguish the incongruities; or, as it is
the best we can produce for the present, will more
indulgently consider them.

I think it the duty of every man who possesses
a faculty, and perhaps a facility of drawing such
images, as will amuse his neighbour, to lend a hand,
and do something. Have those authors done
nothing for the world, whose works would seem
to have had no other object but to amuse? In
low health; after the fatigue of great mental exertion
on solid disquisitions; in pain of mind,
from disappointed passions; or broken with the
sensibilities of sympathy, and affection; it is a
relief to try not to think; and this is attainable, in
some degree; by light reading. Under sensations
of this kind, I have had recourse more than once to
Don Quixotte; which doubtless contains a great deal
of excellent moral sentiment. But, at the same
time, has much, that can serve only to amuse. Even
in health, and with a flow of spirits, from prosperous
affairs, it diversifies enjoyments, and adds to that
happiness of which the mind is capable. I trust
therefore, that the gravest persons, will not be of
opinion that I ought to be put out of the church, for

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any appearance of levity, which this work may seem
to carry with it.

I know there have been instances, amongst the
Puritans of clergymen, degraded for singing a Scotch
pastoral. But music is a carnal thing compared with
puting thoughts upon paper. It requires an opening
of the mouth, and a rolling of the tongue, whereas
thought is wholly spiritual, and depends, not on any
modification of the corporeal organs. Music, however,
even by the strictest sects, is admissable in
sacred harmony, which is an acknowledgement, that
even sound, has its uses to soothe the mind or to fit
it for contemplation.

I would ask, which is the most entertaining work,
Smolet's History of England; or his Humphrey Clinker?
For, as to the utility, so far as that depends upon
truth, they are both alike. History has been well
said to be the Romance of the human mind; and Romance
the history of the heart. When the son of Robert
Walpole asked his father, whether he should read to
him out of a book of history; he said; “he was not
found of Romance.” This minister had been long engaged
in affairs; and from what he had seen of accounts of
things within his own knowledge he had little confidence
in the relation of things which he had not seen.
Except memoirs of person's own times, biographical
sketches by cotemporary writers; Voyages, and
Travels, that have geographical exactness, there
is little of the historial kind, in point of truth, before
Roderick Random; or Gil Blass.

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The Eastern nations in their tales, pretend to
nothing but fiction. Nor is the story with them,
the less amusing because it is not true. Nor is the
moral of it less impressive, because the actors never
had existence. This, I have thought it sufficient to
say, by way of introduction in this place.

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If the memoir of the bog-trotter had not advanced
the authour to a professors chair; it had, at least, procured
him admission to a number of learned societies;
abroad and at home: should a new edition of the
work come to be published, it will take up, at least,
two quarto pages, to contain the names of these,
member-ships, and honours.

But, notwithstanding the most pressing solicitations,
he could not be brought to accept of an introduction
to the St. Tammany Society; owing to the impression
which he still retained of being an Indian chief, from
which he had a narrow escape in the early part of
this work. For unfortunately, it had been explained
to him, that St. Tammany was an Indian Saint; and
that the Society met in a wigwam, and exchanged belts.
They offered to make him a Sachem; but all to no
purpose; the ida of scalping, and tomhacking
hung still upon his mind. It was, by compulsion, in
France, that he took upon him the character of an
Esquimaux, in the procession of Anacharsis Clootz.

The Captain presented himself to the Society, explaining
these things; and that, in fact, such had been
the alarm of the authour of the memoir, at the proposition
of being made a member, that he had absconded
a day or two before. The Society took his excuse;
and made the Captain, an honorary member in his
place.

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This, was no object with the Captain, as he was
a candidate for no office; and could draw no advantage
from a promiscuous association. Nor did
he see that he could be of any use to mankind in
this new capacity, as the propagation of the gospel in
foreign parts, or amongst the savages, made no part
of the duty. For though Tammany himself may have
been a Saint, there are few of his disciples that can
pretend to sanctity, superior to common christians.
Or, at least, their piety consists more in contemplation,
than in active charity, and practice. We hear of no
missionaries from them, amongst the aborigines of
the continent, as we should be led to expect from
being called the St. Tammany Society. For it is to be
presumed, that this Saint had been advanced into the
calender from the propagation of the christian faith,
as was St. Patrick; St. Andrew, and others. And
though, as these old Societies, with that of St. George,
St. David, &c. the duty of evangelists may be excused,
the countries to which they belong, being long since
christianized; yet the native Americans which St.
Tammany represents, are whole nations of them infidels.
The sons of St. Tammany ought certainly to think a little
of their brothers that are yet in blindness, and lend
a hand to bring them to light. It is not understood,
that even a talk has been held with a single nation of
our Western Tribes; though it could have cost but a
few blankets, and a keg of rum to bring them together;
and in council a little wampum, and killikaneeque.

But our modern churches, have not the zeal of
the primitive: or that zeal is directed to a different
object, the building up the faith at home; and that in

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civil affairs, more than spiritual, doctrines. It is not
the time now to go about “in sheepskins, and goat
skins,” to convert the heathen, to the gospel; but
the citizens to vote for this or that candidate. The
Cincinnati being a mere secular Society, is excusable;
but the Saint Societies, would seem in this, to depart
from the etimology of their denomination. I know
that some remark on the word Cincinnatus; and
think that it ought to be pronounced as well as spelled,
St. Cinnatus; and in that case all would be on a footing.
I have no objection, provided that it makes no
schism; for even the alteration of a name might
make a schism. And a schism in a Society militant,
such as this is, might occasion a war of swords; and
not a war of words only. I will acknowledge that I
would like to have the thing uniform, St. Cinnatus,
with the rest. So that if it could be brought about
without controversy, it would contribute to the unity
of designation. But controversy, is, above all things
to be avoided. And nothing is more apt to engender,
controversy, than small matters. Because, small
things are more easily lost than great. Or; because
it vexes a man more, to find his adversary boggle at
a trifling matter of orthodoxy when he has swallowed
the great articles of credence, than to have to pull
him up, a cables length, to some broad notion, that
separates opinion, and belief. To apply it to the matter
of the spelling; qui heret in litera, heret in cortice.
That is, to give it in English, it may depend
upon a single letter how to draw the cork. All consideration
therefore ought to be sacrificed to good
humour, and conviviality, and I would rather let the

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heathen name remain, than christian it at the expence
of harmony, and concord. But to return from this
digression, to the St. Tammany Society, of which I was
speaking, and which had some time ago convened.

It was a new thing to the Captain, to take a seat
in the wigwam, and to smoke the calumet of peace.
But he was disappointed in his expectations, of seeing
Indian manners, and customs introduced, and made
a part of the ceremony. There was some talk of
brightening the chain, and burying the hatchet; but he
saw no war-dance. What is more, even the young
warriors were destitute of the Indian dress. There
was not a moccasin to be seen on the foot of any of
them; not a breech-clout; nor had they even the
natural; or rather, native brands and marks, of a true
born Indian. No ear cut in ringlets; no broach in
the nose; or tatooing on the breast. All was as
smooth, and undisfigured, as the anglo Americans
that inhabit our towns, and villages.

The Grand Sachem, made a speech to the Captain,
not in Indian; but in German; which answered
the end as well; for he did not understand it. But
it was interpreted, and related to the proposition
of making him a Chief, which he declined, professing
that it was more his wish to remain a common Indian,
than to be made even a half-king,[1] not having
it in view to remain much in the nation; or attend
the council fires a great deal. He contented himself
with puting some queries, relative to the History of

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St. Tammany; of what nation he was? Did he belong
to the North, or the South? The East, or the West?
On what waters did he make his camp? How many
moons ago, did he live? Where did he hunt? Who
converted him; or whom did he convert? Why take
an Indian for the tutelary saint of the whites? Why
not Columbus; or Cabot? Where did this saintship
originate?

To these queries, the Chiefs could give no answer;
nor is it of much moment whether they could
or not. Some of them are not worth answering.

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Among the Romans, there was a kind creature,
of the name of Appolo, who stood by people, and
when they were doing wrong, would give them a
twitch of the ear, to bid them stop.

Aurum velluit.

I cannot say, that I felt just such a twitch while
I was writing the last Chapter; unless figuratively;
meaning some little twitch of the mind, recollecting,
and reflecting, that it might possibly give offence to
public bodies, and Societies, especially, the St. Tammany;
and Cincinnati; though none was intended.
But it is impossible to anticipate in all cases, the sensations
of others. Things will give offence, that
were meant to inform, and assist; or to please and
divert. In the case of public bodies especially, no
man knows, what may make an unfavourable impression.
It is necessary; or, unavoidable as it might
be translated; “that offences come; but woe to him
by whom they come.” One would think that, in a free
country, there might be some little more moderation
with regard to what is done, and said. It is a maxim
in law, that words are to be construed, “mitiore
sensu;” or, in the milder sense. It is a Scriptural
definition of charity, “that it is not easily provoked.”
Whereas, on the contrary an uncharitable

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disposition, is ready to misconstrue, and convert to an offence.
A town, a society, a public body, of any kind might
be presumed to bear more than an individual, because,
the offence being divided amongst a greater
number; it can be but a little, that will be at the
expense of any one person. If therefore, any son of
St. Tammany, or St. Cinnatus, should feel himself
hurt, by our lucubration, let him consider that it is
better to laugh than be angry; and he will save himself,
if he begins to laugh first. Though, after all,
some will say, there is nothing to laugh at; and in
this, they will be right. For at the most, it can
only be a smile. It is a characteristic of the Comedy
of Terence; that he never forces your laugh; but
to smile only. That I take to be the criterion of a
delicate and refined wit; and which was becoming
the lepos, or humour of such men, as Lelius and
Scipio, who are thought to have formed his taste,
and assisted him in his Dramatic compositions. Yet
I must confess, if I could reach it, I would like the
broad laugh; but it is difficult to effect this, and, not,
at the same time, fall into buffoonery, and low humour.
Laughing is certainly favourable to the lungs;
and happy the man, whose imagination leads him to
risible sensations, rather than to melancholy.

All work, and no play, makes Jack a dull boy. But
I have no idea of laughing, any more than of playing,
without having performed the necessary task of duty,
or labour. An idle laughing fool, is contemptible and
odious; and laughing too much is an extreme, which
the wise will avoid. Take care not to laugh, when
there is nothing to laugh at. I can always know a mans

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sense, by his song, his story, or his laugh. I will not
say his temper; or principles; but certainly his
share of understanding. The truth is, this composition
has more for its object than merely to amuse
though that is an object. But I doubt whether we
shall receive credit for our good intentions. For
truth lies in a well; and unless there is some one to
draw the bucket, there is no geting it up.

We have been often asked for a key to this work.
Every man of sense has the key in his own pocket.
His own feelings; his own experience is the key.
It is astonishing, with what avidity, we look for the
application of satire which is general, and never had
a prototype. But the fact is, that, in this work, the
picture is taken from human nature, generally, and
has no individual in view. It was never meant as a
satire upon men; but upon things. An easy way,
to slur sentiments, under the guise of allegory; which
could not otherwise make their way to the ears of the
curious. Can any man, suppose, upon reflection, that
if ridicule was intended upon real persons, it would
be conveyed in so bungling a manner that people
would be at a loss to know, who was meant? That
is not the way, we fix our fools caps.

Let any man put it to himself, and say, would he
wish to be of those that give pain by personal allusion,
and abuse. Self-love, for a moment may relish
the stricture; but could never endure to be thought
the authour. In attacking reputation, there are two
things to be considered, the manner, and the object.
When the object is praise-worthy, there is an openness,
a frankness, snd manliness of manner, which

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commands respect. But even where the object is a
public good, the manner may excite contempt. Let
our editors of news-papers, look to this, those of them
who wish to be considered gentlemen; such as have
no character to lose, and never wish to have any,
may take all liberties, and occupy their own grade.

But as we were saying, public bodies, and societies
of men, ought not to take offence easily; nor resent
violently. “As they are strong, be merciful.”
A single person is not on a footing with a great number.
He cannot withstand the whole, if they should
take offence without reason; and he may be consciously
scrupulous of fighting; or may be afraid to
fight; which will answer the end just as well; or
he may have the good sense and fortitude, to declare
off; which by the bye requires more courage,
than the bulk of men possess. It requires a courage
above all false opinion; and the custom will never
be put out of countenance, until some brave men
set the example. There is nothing that a wise man
need fear, but dishonour, founded on the charge of a
want of virtue; on that which all men, of all places,
and of all times, will acknowledge to be disreputable.
Under this head, will not be found the refusal of a
challenge. Nothing can be great, the contempt of
which, is great. Is it not great to despise prejudice,
and false opinion? “He that ruleth his spirit, is
greater than he that taketh a city:” but, he that is
above the false sentiments of others, presents to me
the image of a superior power, that ascends through
the vapours, of the atmosphere and dissipates the
fog. The world is indebted to the man that refuses

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a challenge; but who can owe any thing to him that
accepts it; for he sanctions an unjust law? Doubtless,
the accepting of a challenge, is pardonable as a
weakness; but still it is a weakness. The man is a
hero, who can withstand unjust opinion. It requires
more courage, than to fight duels. To sustain life,
under certain circumstances, calls for more resolution
than to commit suicide. Yet suicide is not reputable.
Brutus in the schools condemned it; but
at Philippi, adopted it. Because his courage failed
him.

But cudgelling follows the refusal of a challenge.
Not if there is instant notice given to a peace officer.
But posting follows. Notice of that may be given also,
and a court, and jury brought to criticize upon the
libel.

Why is it, that a public body, is more apt to
take offence, than an individual? Because, every one
becomes of consequence in proportion, as he is careful
of the honour of the whole. It is oftentimes, a mere
matter of accident, whether the thing is well, or ill
taken. If one should happen to call out, that it is an
insult, another is unwilling to question it, lest he
should be suspected of incivism, and lose his standing
in Society in general; or, in that to which he
more particulary belongs. The misconception of one
forces itself upon another; and misconstruction prevails.
That which was the strongest proof of confidence
in the integrity, and justice of the body, is viewed
as distrust; and a concern for their honour, considered
a reproach. The most respectful language
termed insolence. Implicit submission attributed to

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disrespect. Self-denial overlooked, and wantoness of
insult substituted in its place. This, all the offspring
of mistake; which it is the duty of the individual to
remove. But how can he speak if his head is off,
before he knows, that the offence is taken? Protesting
therefore that I mean no offence to either of these
Societies, or the individual members, in any thing I
have said; I request them to take it in good part;
or, if there should seem to be ground of affront, they
will give me a hearing, and an opportunity to explain.

There is no anticipating absolutely, and to all extent,
what a person might say for himself if he was
heard. That presumption which had existed might
be removed. His motives might appear laudable;
or at the worst, originating in a pardonable weakness.
Whether or not, the credit of the tribunal with
the world, might render it expedient to observe
these appearances. They did it in France under the
revolutionary government; and even the Emperor,
seems to consider it as indispensible. If therefore any
thing in these Chapters should unfortunately give
umbrage to the sons of St. Tammany, or to the Cincinnati
members, I pray a citation, and demand a
hearing. I trust I shall be able to convince them
that I am not deficient in respect for them individually,
or as public bodies.

n1

[1] A half-king, means double king, or king of two
nations, who have him split between them.

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The Captain walking by himself, could not avoid
reflecting on the nature of government; a union of
souls, and corporal force. It makes all the difference
that we see between the savage, and civilized life.
The plough, the pully, the anchor, and the potters
wheel, are the offspring of government; the loom,
the anvil, and the press. But how difficult to link
man with man; how difficult to preserve a free government!
The easient thing in the world, says the
clown, if the sage will only let it alone. It is the philosopher
that ruins all.

There is some foundation for this. A mere philosopher
is but a fool, in matters of business. Even
in speculation, be sometimes, imagines nonsense.
Sir Thomas More's Utopia has become proverbial;
Harrington's Oceana has become a model for no government.
Lock's Project was tried in South Carolina.
It was found wanting. Imagination, and experiment
are distinct things. There is such a thing
as practical sense. Do we not see instances of this
every day? Men who can talk freely, but do nothing.
They fail in every thing they attempt. There is too
much vision mixed with the fact. Want of information
of what has been; the not examining the fitness
and congruity of things, leads to this. You see
a tradesman framing a machine. A chip less, or
more spoils the joint.

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Where is the best account to be found of the Roman
commonwealth? In Polibyus. In what did its
excellence consist? In its balances. What invented
these? The exigencies of the case. Some were
adopted in the first instance; others as remedies to
the mischiefs that occured. Were the sages of any
use here? A little. Salust says; “considering the
history of the Roman people, that the Galls, were
before them in bravery, and the Greeks in eloquence;”
yet Rome, has become the mistress of the world;
I have found that it has been owing to a few great
men that happened to arise in it. Were these
men demagogues? Not in a bad sense of the word.
They did not deceive the people for their own ends.
How do demagogues deceive people? How do you
catch a nag? You hold a bridle, in your left hand,
behind your back; and a hat in your right, as if
there were something in it, and cry cope. What do
demagogues want by deceiving the people? To ride
them. What do they pretend they have in the hat?
oats, salt; any thing they find a horse likes.

How do you distinguish the demagogue from the
patriot? The demagogue flatters the clown, and finds
fault with the sage. The patriot, and the sage, unless
you mean the vain philosopher, mean the same
thing. The Jewish prophets were all of them sages.
They were seers, or men that saw far into things.
You will find they were no slouches at blaming the
people. “My people Israel is destroyed for lack of
knowledge.” “I am wounded in the house of my
friends.” This may be said of liberty, when republicans
give it a stab. The lamentations of Jeremiah

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are but the weepings of a patriot over the errors of
the people. Yet the people are always right, say the
demagogues. I doubt that. Tom fool, may laugh
at the expression, “save the people from themselves.”
Nevertheless, there is something in it. It
is a Scripture phrase, “go not with a multitude to
do evil;” which would seem to imply that the multitude
will sometimes do wrong.

Do the multitude invent arts? Or some individuals
among them? It is sometimes a matter of accident.
Sometimes a matter of genius. But it is
but one out of a thousand that happens to hit upon
it; or that has the invention to contrive. But government
is an easy matter; and has no wheels like a
watch. What is it that enables one man to see farther
into things than another in matters of government?
What is it that makes him a seer? Thinking,
looking, examining. Does it come by inspiration?
More by experience. What are the wheels
in our government that are like to go first? The
Judiciary, the Senate, the Governor. Is this the order
in which they will go? Precisely. Does any man
mean it? Not at all. How can it then happen? In
the natural progress of things. Will one house become
a tyrant? It will come to be the few; and the
few were always tyrants. Will it be but a few in
the house, that will govern? It will come to one at
last. It will take fifty years to bring it to this. I
do not say that it will be a hop, step, and jump; or
a running leap, all at once.

But we have the press here. Suppose a leading
print in the hands of a patriot. He will keep all

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right. Yes, provided he is a sage at the same time.
That is, that his information on the nature of government,
is equal to his patriotism; or that his passion
does not betray him into error; the journal of L.
Ami du peuple by Marat, was patriotic; but it ruined
the republic. An uninformed inflammatory print,
is a corruptress of public opinion. It is the torch
that sets Troy on fire. There is no Marat, amongst
us, at the head of a Journal; but there may come to
be. It is a difficult thing to trim the state vessel.
The altering the stowage will put out of trim. The
Hancock was taken, by altering the stowage. It destroyed
the trim. Yet trimmers are unfavourably
spoken of. That is, I presume, halting between two
opinions. “Why halt ye between two opinions?”
But preservers of the balance are not trimmers in
this sense of the word.

But how is it that the people can do wrong, when
they mean well? An uninformed spirit of reform may
prevail. How can passion prevail? The axletree is
heated, by the nave, and the hob is set on fire. The
nave heats itself by its own motion; and fire is
communicated to the whole carriage.

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This was the day of the fair held twice a year in
the village. The people had come in and erected
booths. The Captain took a walk to see the fair,
and on the first stall he saw boxes. What are these,
said the Captain? Cases for lawyers, said the Chapman.
What will the lawyers do with these, said the
Captain? Put them on their back-sides, said the
Chapman. That will make them look like soldiers,
with cartouch boxes, said the Captain. No matter
for that, said the Chapman. A lawyer can no more
move without cases, than a snail without a shell.
They must have authorities.

They have too many sometimes, said the Captain,
as I have heard the blind lawyer say; but your
cases, or cartouch boxes, I presume, are meant as
a burlesque. Not altogether, so, said the Chapman;
but a little bordering on it. These boxes might answer
the purpose, of carrying cases, to the court;
But an honest man might put them to a better use:
so I say no more, but sell my wares to the customer.

At the next stall was Tom the Tinker, with old
kettles mended, and new ones for sale. Ay, Tom,
said the Captain, this is better than resisting laws;[2]
even the excise law.

[figure description] Page 139.[end figure description]

I have found out a better way than resisting laws,
now, said the Tinker.

What is that, said the Captain?

Abolish the courts, and demolish the judges, and
the laws will go of themselves.

Ah! Tom, said the Captain, leave the public
functionaries, to the public bodies; you have nothing
to do with them.

But I should have something to do with them,
said the Tinker, if I had a voice in a public body.

But you have not a voice, said the Captain.

But I may have, said the Tinker.

I would rather hear your voice in your shop,
said the Captain; and the sound of your hammer,
on a coffee pot, or a tea kettle. You can patch a
brass candle-stick, better than the state, yet, I take
it, Tom.

Or solder spoons either, said Tom; but every
thing must have a beginning.

At the next stall was a hard-ware man; In
the next, a Potter with his jugs. Anacharsis,
according to Diogenes Lacrtius, invented the anchor,
and the Potters wheel; he was a more useful man
than him that invented fire-arms; though it is a question
with some, whether gunpowder has not rendered
war less sanguinary.

A Toyman had his stall next. As the Captain was
looking at his baubles, an accident happened on the
other side the way. At a short turn, a cart had overset.
It was light, and loaded with empty kegs. Nevertheless
the driver wanted help to lift it up.

[figure description] Page 140.[end figure description]

The Chapman, the Toyman, the Potter, the hard-ware
man, and Tom the Tinker were endeavouring to
assist. The Tinker and the hard-ware man, had set
their shoulders, to the cart. They hove it up; but,
by too violent a push threw it to the other side. The
Chapman, and Toyman, thought to set the matter
right, and in the adverse direction, applyed their
force, being on the other side the cart; and to do
them justice, gave a good hoist; but over-did the
matter, as much as was done before; for the cart
came back and lay prostrate in the same direction,
as at first.

The driver, in the mean time, was dissatisfied.
Gentlemen, said he, do you mean to assist, or to injure
me? It may be sport to you; but it is a loss
to me, to have my cart broke, and my kegs staved.
it is all wrong, said the Captain. Why not let the
thing stand upon the horizontal? None of your tricks
upon travellers. Let the poor man's cart have fair
play, and stand upon its own bottom.

Aye, aye, said a misanthrope; this comes of bad
doings. You must be going to the woods; and disturbing
innocent forests; cuting down young trees;
making staves, and hooping kegs. This is just the
way they make laws; to hoop people as you would
a barrel. It is right to overturn the cart, on account
of the manufacture it carries.

Ah; it is in this manner, said a moral drawing
man; that people over-turn the state. If the vehicle
goes to the one side, it is the act of a patriot to set
it right. But unskillul persons, pass the line of gravity;
so that as much mischief arises, from too

[figure description] Page 141.[end figure description]

much force as too little. Passing the line of gravitation,
in erecting a body, is like wounding a principle
of the Constitution. All errors of expediency may
be amended; but the violations of principle are vital,
and terminate in death. Put that fellow in a pulpit,
and he could preach, said a by-stander; do you hear
what a sermon, he makes upon a cart? He could
take a text; Nebuchadnezzar, or Zerubabel; and
lengthen out a discourse for a fortnight.

In the meantime, the Captain, was almost carried
off his feet, by a croud of people going to see
the learned pig. Has he the tongues, said Angus
Sutherland, a Scotchman? He has two, said a wag.
The Hebrew, and the Erse, I trow, said the Scotchman.
No; the squcel, and the gruntle, I ween, said
the drolling person. That is his vernacular, said
the Scotchman; but I mean his acquired languages.
I do not know that he has acquired any, said the
drolling man; but he is considerably perfected in
those that he had before.

Weel, that is something, said Angus; but he
has got a smack o' the mathematics, I suppose. A
little of Algebra, said the wag; the plus, and
minus, he understands pretty well.

The conversation, was interrupted by the vociferation
of a man, in soliquy at a distance. He appeared
to be in great agitation: clinching his fists,
and striking them against each other. An abominable,
stander, said he; I a scholar! I a learned man!
it is a falshood. See me reading! He never saw me
read. I do not know a B. from a bulls foot. But this
is the way to injure a man in his election. They

[figure description] Page 142.[end figure description]

report of me that I am a scholar! It is a malicious
fabrication. I can prove it false. It is a groundless
insinuation. What a wicked world is this in which
we live. I a scholar! I am a son of a whore, if I ever
opened a book in my life. O! The calumny; the
malice of the report. All to destroy my election.
Were you not seen carrying books, said a neighbour?

Aye, said the distressed man; two books that a
student had borrowed from a clergyman. But did I
look into them? Did any man see me open the books?
I will be sworn upon the evangelists: I will take my
Bible oath, I never looked into them. I am innocent
of letters as the child unborn. I am an illiterate man,
God be praised, and free from the sin of learning,
or any wicked art, as I hope to be saved; but here a
report is raised up, that I have dealings with books,
that I can read. O! The wickedness of this
world! Is there no protection from slander, and bad
report? God help me! Here I am, an honest republican;
a good citizen, and yet it is reported of me,
that I read books. O! The tongues of men! Who
can stop reproach? I am ruined; I am undone;
I shall loose my election; and the good will of all
my neighbours, and the confidence of posterity. It
is a dreadful thing that all the discretion of a man,
cannot save him from evil-speaking, and defamation.

It is a strange contrast, thought the Captain, that
we admire learning in a pig; and undervalue it in a
man. The time was, when learning would save a
man's neck; but now it endangers it. The neck
verse, is reversed. That is, the effect of it. For

[figure description] Page 143.[end figure description]

the man that can read goes to the wall; not him
that is ignorant. But such are the revolutions of opinion.

Of all things in the world, said a speculative philosopher,
I should the least expect science in a pig;
though the swinish multitude are not without good
moral qualities; or the semblance of these, by propensitive
instinct. The herd of deer avoid, or beat
off the chaced, or wounded companion; but attack a
hog in a gang, and the bristles of all are up, to make
battle. There is an esprit de corps; or a principle
of self-preservation. They do not wait until they are
taken off one by one; but make a common cause in
the first instance. When the 21 deputies in the National
Assembly of France, were denounced, there
were, no doubt a great number that saw the injustice;
but not the consequence. They were willing that the
bolt should pass by themselves, and were silent.
But those that followed, soon felt the case to be their
own, though they did not make it at first. The hogs
have more sense, or nature is more faithful than
reason. A sailor on board a ship may not like his comrades;
but if they are charged with mutiny wrongfully,
he is interested and will see it if he is wise;
for it concerns him that they be dealt with fairly.
For injustice to them, leads to injustice to himself.
A third mate may dislike the first, or second, or the
Captain, himself, and have no objection to change
them; but the mistake, or injustice of owners towards
these, affects himself. If one goes at
this turn; another may go at the next; until all fall
to unjust accusation. If the independence, and safety

[figure description] Page 144.[end figure description]

of command is affected, all officers suffer, and the
service is injured. The picking off one at a time is
politic in those that assail; but fatal to those that
are assailed. Polyphemus devoured but one of the soldiers
of Ulysses in a day. So that it does not follow,
that hog, likes hog, more than sheep, likes sheep;
or that bristle is champion for bristle; when he comes
to take his part; but that, the law of self-preservation,
is better understood; or felt by this animal. But as
to teaching a pig any thing like human knowledge,
though not a new thing, would seem to be of little
use. Crows were taught to speak in the time of
Augustus Cæsar; as we find from the story of the
Cobler, and his crow. The Poet Virgil talks of cattle
speaking;

—Pecudesque locutæ.

But this was a prodigy. Learning must go
somewhere, as a river that sinks in one place
rises in another. If erudition is lost with men,
it is well to find it with pigs. The extraordinaries
are always pleasing. The intermediate grades
of eloquence, from a Curran to a Parrot, are not worth
marking.

A little learning is a dangerous thing.

Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring.

If a man cannot be a Pollyglotist, he may as well
be a goose.

It was at a time things took this turn that Balaam's
ass spoke. There was darkness all over Europe,
for six or ten centuries; and little knowledge of
the scientific kind to be found with man, fish, fowl
or beast. A glare of light sprung up, and has

[figure description] Page 145.[end figure description]

prevailed awhile. Men of science have been in repute
in monarchies; and in some republics: or at least
science itself has had some quarter. But it is now
scouted, and run down. The mild shade of the evening,
the crepusculum approaches. A twilight, that
the weakest eye can sustain. The bats will be out
now. The owl can see as well as the cat. If there
is less light, there is more equality of vision; which
may be for the best.

That fellow could preach too, said a by-stander;
and give him a text. What a speech he has made
upon a shoat!

But looking up, they saw a man actually preaching;
or something like it in a tavern door, with a
news-paper in his hand. It was upon the subject of
oeconomies. For now all is oeconomy. Not making;
but saving. This discourse was a lecture, on the subtraction
of aliment, and the making water go farther
by boiling it. Saving the scales of fish; and the
stem beaten out of flax; curtailing wages, and doing
less work; all things by the minimum: he would have
all Miscroscopes; no Telescopes. Minutiæ, Minutiæ,
Minutiæ; nothing great, comprehensive; or magnificent
in his projects. Themistocles knew how to
make a great state, out of a small commonwealth.
But was it by saving, or by gaining that he did it?
Was the sweep of his mind contracted; or extensive?
Had the Zar of Muscovy a great heart? Did he reduce
mountains by particles; or employ his mind
upon hen coops? These were questions, the oeconomist
answered in the affirmative. But some doubted
the orthodoxy of the doctrine; and left the congregation.

[figure description] Page 146.[end figure description]

In a public house, was heard the music of a fiddle,
and a bag-pipe. It was Duncan the quondam waiter
of the Captain who had made a match of the bag-pipe
against the violin. Play up, said Duncan to the piper;
now “the coming o' the Camrons;” now the reels o'
bogie. Play up; I could dance amaist involuntarily;
as, I were bit by the Tarantula.

The Latin master was of the company; and encouraged
the contest, by the application of classic
phrases; such as,


Et vitula tu dignus, et hic—
—Boni quoniam cenvenimus ambo.
Tale tuum carmen, divine poeta.—

But more noise; though, perhaps less music was
heard out of doors coming down the street. A croud
of people; boys and grown persons, were following
O'Dell the revolutionist. For Ca Ira, or the Marseilles
hymn, he bawl'd out the following—

[figure description] Page 147.[end figure description]

The song may be good, as to music, said the Captain;
but I do not like the sentiments; especially
the concluding couplet. It seems to me, that oeconomy
has become parsimony; the opposite extreme of prodigality;
or extravagance. The one is odious; the other
contemptible. All tax; or no tax. There is no
medium. And yet all that is excellent lies in the medium.
But no tax, and oeconomy will as certainly destroy
an administration, as all tax, and extravagance.
The meanness of starving offices; establishments; improvements,
will attach disreputation to the agents; and
operate a removal from the body politic; or the debilitation
of the body politic itself. But in all things there
is a tendency to extremes. The popular mind does
not easily arrest itself when descending upon an inclined
plain of opinion. Popular ballads are an index
of the public mind. Hence we see that an antipathy
to laws, lawyers, and judges, is the ton at present;
and also that oeconomy is the ruling passion of the
time. Yet in all these things, there may be an excess.
For the people are not always right. Unless in
the sense of the English law, that “The king can
do no wrong.” Doubtless whatever the people do is

[figure description] Page 148.[end figure description]

legally right; but yet not always politically right.
For do we not find from the voice of history, that
those men are thought to have deserved best of their
country, who have occasionally withstood the intemperance
of opinion. Self seekers only “are all things
to all men.” Three things are necessary to constitute
a great man. Judgment, fortitude, and self-denial.
It is a great thing to judge wisely. Perhaps
this may be said to comprehend the whole. For
judging wisely upon a large scale, will embrace
fortitude, and self-denial. Hence, in the Scripture
phrase, bad men are called fools. It is but cuting
down the fruit tree, to hark in with a popular cry
for the moment. All is gained for the present. But
there is nothing for the next year. Such a man may
get into a public body, but will not long retain his seat;
or, if he does, he loses all, in the esteem of the virtuous,
and the wise. But I doubt whether the people
are so mad for oeconomy. It originates with those
who are conscious to themsetves that they cannot please
them by great actions; and therefore attempt it by
small. The extreme has been that of unnecessary
expenditure; and it is popular to call out oeconomy;
which the people-pleaser gets into his mouth, and
makes it the shibboleth of just politics. But the people-pleaser
is not always the friend of the people.
Do we find him in war the best general who consults the
ardour of his troops, wholly, and fights when they cry
out for battle? Pompey yielded to such an outcry,
and lost the field of Pharsalia. A journal was published
in France, by Marat, under the direction, or,
with the assistance of Robespiere, entitled “L' ami

[figure description] Page 149.[end figure description]

du peuple.” There could not be a more seducing
title; and yet this very journal was the foe of the
people. I have no doubt, but that Marat meant well
to the poeple; but he had not an understanding
above the public, and judgment to correct the errors
of occasional opinion. He was of the multitude himself,
and did not overtop them by having higher
ground from whence to observe. He had not been a
sage before he became a journalist. Hence he denounced
the Girondists the philosophers of the republic;
Condorcet, and others who had laid the foundation
of the revolution. He denounced them because
they suggested a confederate republic, such as
Montesquicu projected, and America has realized.
Marat took up with the simple, the one and indivisible;
the populace understood this, but not the complication,
and it prevailed; but the republic went
down.

[figure description] Page 150.[end figure description]

I never had a doubt with the Captain, but that
the bulk of the jacobins in France meant well; even
Marat and Robespierre considered themselves as denouncing,
and trucidating only the enemies of the
republic. What a delightful trait of virtue discovers
itself in the behaviour of Peregrine, the brother of
Robespierre, and proves that he thought his brother
innocent. “I am innocent; and my brother is as
innocent as I am.” Doubtless they were both innocent.
Innocent of what? Why; of meaning ill.
“The time shall come, when they that kill you,
shall think they are doing God service.” Peregrine,
led the column with his drawn sword in
his hand, that entered and re-took Toulon. He threw
himself into the denounciation. This ought to be a
lesson to all republicans to have charity, for those
that differ in opinion. Tiberus, and Caius Gracchus
at Rome meant well; Agis, and Cleomines at Sparta
the same; but they attempted a reform, well, in
vision, and imagination; but beyond what was practicable
or expedient. They fell victims to the not
distinguishing the times; the advanced state of society,
which did not comport with the original simplicity
of institutions.

Marat the journalist and Robespierre were pushed
gradually to blood; by the principle, which governed

[figure description] Page 151.[end figure description]

them, of taking it for granted that all who thought
differently upon a subject were traitors; and that a
majority of vote was the criterion of being right. The
mountain, the bulk of the national assembly, could not
but be in their opinion, infallible. The eternal mountain
at whose foot every one was disposed to place himself;
the mountain on whose top were “thunders and lightnings,
and a thick cloud;” but not a natural mountain
of the earth, collecting refreshing showers, and
from which descended streams. It was a mountain
pregnant with subteranean fire. It burst, and exists
a volcano to this day. So much for the majority of
a public body, being always right; and so much for a
journalist meaning well, and yet destroying the republic.
It is a truth in nature and a maxim in philosophy
“that from whence our greatest good springs,
our greatest evils arise.” A journalist of spirit is a
desideratum in a revolution. But when the new island,
or continent is thrown up from the bottom of
the ocean; and the subterranean gass dissipated, why
seek for a convulsion? But rather leave nature to renew
herself with forests, and rivers, and perennial
springs. But that activity which was useful in the
first effort, is unwilling to be checked in the further
employment; and under the idea of a progressing
reform, turns upon the establishment which
it has produced, and intending good, does harm. The
men are denounced that mean as well as the journalist,
and perhaps understand the game better than
himself though they differ in judgment on the move.
In a revolution, every man thinks he has done all.
He knows only, or chiefly what he has done himself.

[figure description] Page 152.[end figure description]

Hence he is intolerant of the opinions of others, because
he is ignorant of the services which are a proof
of patriotism; and of the interest which is a pledge of
fidelity. Fresh hands especially, are apt to over-do
the matter, as I have seen at the building of a cabbin
in the western country. A strong man takes hold of
the end of a log, and he lifts faster than the other.
From the unskilfulness, and inequality of his exertions,
accidents happen. Prudent people do not like rash
hands. States have been best built up, by the wise as
well as the honest.

There are men that we dislike in office. All men
approved Marius, says the historian Salust, when he
began to proscribe, now and then, a bad man; but
they did not foresee what soon happened, that he did
not stop short, but went on to proscribe the good.
It is better to bear an individual mischief than a public
inconvenience. This is a maxim of the common
law. That is, it is better to endure an evil in a particular
case, than to violate a general principle. There
ought to be constitutional ground, and a just cause,
to remove the obnoxious. It will not do even in
Ireland to hang a man for stealing cloth, because he
is a bad weaver.

Where parties exist in a republic, that party will
predominate eventually which pursues justice. A
democratic party, will find its only security in this.
“If these things are done in the green tree, what
shall be done in the dry.” If democracy is not just,
what shall we expect from aristocracy, where the
pride of purse, and pride of family, raises the head;
swells the port; produces the strut, and all the

[figure description] Page 153.[end figure description]

undervaluing which the few have for the many? Aristocracy
which claims by hereditary right, the honours
and emoluments of the commonwealth. Who
does not dislike the presumption of the purse
proud, and the pride of connections? And it is for
that reason that I wish my fellow democrats, “my
brethren according to the flesh,” to do right; to
shew their majesty, the nobility of their nature, by
their discrimination, and their sense of justice. For I
am a democrat, if having no cousin, and no funds;
and only to rely on my personal services, can make me
one. And I believe this is a pretty good pledge for
democracy in any man. Unless indeed, he should
become a tool to those that have cousins and funds;
and this he will not do if he has pride. He might
be made a despot, but this can only be by the peoples
destroying the essence of liberty, by pushing it
to licentiousness. A despot is a spectre which rises
chiefly from the marsh of licentiousness. It was the
jacobins made Bonaparte what he now is.

n2

[2] The chief of the insurrection, in the western parts
of Pennsylvania, in the year 1794, called himself,
Tom the Tinker.

[figure description] Page 154.[end figure description]

A cavalcade was coming by, and upon enquiry
it was found to be a croud of people with a lawyer
gaged. The notch in his mouth was rather long; and
the poor man seemed to be in pain, by the extension
of his jaws. He could not speak; which was a great
privation, it being his daily employment, and the
labour of his vocation. For the people thought he
spoke too much, or at least was tedious in his
speeches, and took up the time of the court, and
juries, unnecessarily. But this was a new way of
correcting amplification in an orator. It is true that
things strike more than words, and the soldier, in a
Roman assembly, who held up the stump of his arm
lost in battle, pleaded more effectually, for his brother,
the accused, than all the powers of eloquence. But
it was a wicked thing, and intirely, a la mob, to stretch
the jaws so immeasurably. But the people will have
their way; when they get a thing into their heads;
there is no stoping them; especially on a fair day,
such as this was. It is true the thing was illegal,
and he could have his action, but they took their
chance of that. The fact is, the tediousness of lawyers,
in their harangues, is beyond bearing, and
is enough to drive the people to adjustment bills, and
any thing, to get quit of them. The opener of a
cause, must lead you into the whole transaction,

[figure description] Page 155.[end figure description]

instead of leaving it to the evidence to do it. He must
give you a view of the whole scope of his case.
This might be in a few words. But he wants to
make a speech; a strong impression at the first. He
must tell you how he means to draw up his evidence;
how to fight his men. I should not like my
adversary to know this; I would not tell the court,
lest he should hear it. What would we think of a
general who should mount the rostrum in the presence
of the enemy, and explain the order of his battle?
I love the art of managing a cause for its own sake,
and I like to see it scientifically won. The less speaking,
almost always, the better for a cause. There
is such a thing, as “darkning counsel by words without
knowledge.” Atticism is favourable to perception
in the hearer. We do not carry wheat to be ground
before it is sifted of the chaff. Yet there may be
an error on the other side. The declination to brevity
may be too great. I am afraid to say much
on this head, lest I should be understood to undervalue
eloquence, and check it altogether. But certain
it is, that the excess is on the side of quantity,
in speaking at the bar at present. The juries feel
it, and twist, and turn themselves into all shapes to
avoid it. The courts feel it, and on many occasions,
groan for deliverance.

What necessity on a point of law to read all cases,
that have relation to the subject? To give a lecture on
the elementary principle, and adduce cases, from the
first decision to the last. It has been in vogue with
the clergy, to begin with Genesis, and end with Revelations;
to prove their doctrine as they go along, by

[figure description] Page 156.[end figure description]

an enchainment of texts; and to say the same thing
over again, in many different words. But in demonstrating
the 47th proposition of the first book of Euclid,
we do not lay down every postulate, and axiom;
nor do we go through the demonstration of
every preceding problem, on which this is built;
but we refer to such of them as enter into that which
is before us. The demonstrations of Euclid are brief;
and that constitutes their excellence. Ad eventum
festinat. Here is no detour; or winding that does not
accelerate, and force the conclusion.

In the mean time, the blind lawyer, being at hand
delivering a lecture, had heard of the tribulation of
his brother the gag'd lawyer; and for the honour of
the profession, stretching out his hands to the people,
had obtained his enlargement; and the removal
of the peg. But it was said, this would be a
warning to the advocate, to shorten his speeches
for the future. The branks which had been upon
his head; that is, the woodys which had tyed the
knob, were laid aside for another occasion.