Book 1

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HERE is a great gap. Not a word said about
the travels of the Captain, from the packing up of
Teague, and sending him off to France, until after
the termination of the French revolution, and the armistice
or convention of Amiens. Though the fact
is, that he had been, all this time, travelling, and
Teague had rejoined him, in the capacity of a pediseque,
or foot-boy, as before. As to Duncan the
Scotch waiter, he had, long since, left the service,
and taken a job of weaving in the neighbourhood, and
was doing well. The Captain had endeavoured to
persuade him to take to preaching, as many do in
this country who are less qualified, but he refused,
alledging, that though it was good work that pleased
the customer, yet he had some scruples of conscience
in undertaking the charge, not having been regularly
called by ordination to the office.

Teague had been landed at Nantz, and being a
real sans culotte, was liberated, as we have said, and
carressed by the multitude. With considerable eclat,
he made his way to Paris. We hear of him at a very
early period as made use of, by Anacharsis Cloots,

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the Orator of the human race; This was in a procession
of that uncommon man, in which representatives
of all nations, were introduced in their respective
garbs, addressing the Convention to bring liberty
and equality amongst them. Teague was in the character
of an Esquimaux Indian, and passed his aboriginal
Irish, for the native dialect of that people. An
Irish officer or two that were present discovered the
imposition, but the gillotine forbad them to speak,
and they were silent.

This ultramarine person, as he was called, for
they had ultramontain men enough among themselves,
was a good deal distinguished during the
réign of Robespiere, and was employed on many occasions,
and discharged a variety of functions, so that
though his morals were not much amended, nor his
address much improved, sans culotism still continuing
the order of the day, yet he had contracted some
French phrases, and could interlard his Hibernian
dialect with a que voulez vous; and je demand pardon,
without hesitation or embarrassment. At length
however, he found himself in the conciergerie, a destination
from which no talents, virtues, or even vices
could exempt any man; and it was only on the fall
of that monster of whom we have just made mention,
that he was vomited with others from the caverns in
which he had been included. How he ever got to
America again it is difficult to say. We shall leave
that to those who may take from his own mouth the
memoirs of his travels. It is sufficient for our purpose,
that he did get back, and that he is once more
in the train of the Captain. The fact is, that he had
joined him in a most unexpected manner, in a short

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time after Duncan the Scotch servant had begged
to be dismissed, and applyed himself to a profession
more congenial with his education.

We shall go no farther back upon the steps of the
Captain, with the bog-trotter at his heels, than where
we find them within a mile, or less of the village where
his home was, and where he had resided some years,
before he had set out on his peregrinations. Passing
through a wood just as he approached the town, he
saw at some distance before him the semblance of men
suspended on the limbs of trees, or at least the exuviæ
of men, coats, waist-coats, breeches, and hats. What
can this be, said the Captain? It is probable that hearing
of your return, Teague, the wags of the village
have been making what are called Padies, and have
set them up on these trees, knowing that this way we
should come along. By St. Patrick then, said
Teague, but I will Pady dem wid dis shalelah. I will
tache dem to make Padies, and hang dem up for sign
posts in de wood here. Dis is not Saint Patrick's
day in de morning neider: Bad luck to dem, it may
be some poor fellows dat dey have hang'd up in reality,
for shape stalling as dey do in Ireland.

I see nothing, said the Captain, drawing nearer,
but the emptyings of ward-robes, jibbeted on these
trees, through the grove: stretched on limbs, or suspended
from them, a phenomenon, which I am unable
to comprehend, or explain; For I see no corn
growing underneath, or near about, from which, a
priapus, or scare-crow might affright the birds; nor
can they be the vestments of people at work, near
hand, or stripped to bathe, as I see no water pond, or
river, but a dry grove.

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The fact is, these habiliments were of the people
of the town, who had hung them up to take the dew,
in order to take off the musk of a pole-cat which had
affected them from the perfusions of one of these animals.
The story is as follows.

Not long before this, a typographist, had set up a
paper in the village and having reference to the sharpness
of his writings, the editor had chosen to assume
the symbol, or hieroglyphic of the Porcupine, and in
allusion to his quills called himself Peter Porcupine;
whimsically Peter, because Peter, and Porcupine,
begin with the same letter, and produces what is
called an alliteration. Such respondence has been
thought a beauty, in some languages, and at some
periods. In the English language, it was a constituent
of poetry, a few centuries ago; and though now
disused, yet is retained in appellations, where fiction
is at liberty, and quaintness and humour is intended.
Nor was the device or synonime of Porcupine, ill
chosen. For the editor could dart his quills to some
purpose. To drop the figure, a happy nature had
fited him for a satyrist, and felicity of education was
not wanting to qualify him for the office. He had
not the pleasantry of Horace, nor the pungency of
Juvenal, but an original stricture of his own that supplied
the place of them. The truth is, he had been
bred in the barracks, and had at his finger ends, the
familiar phrases of the common soldiery, with that
peculiar species of wit, which is common with that
occupation of men, and in that grade. Doubtless we
see something like it among the plebeians of all
classes and denominations; The women that sell fish
at a certain stand in London, have a species of it,

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known by the name of Billingsgate, either because there
is a gate of that name near the place, or formerly
was one. The miners and coal heavers have a good
deal of it. The scavengers and chimney sweepers
are adepts, though without the least scholastic education,
or knowledge of letters whatsoever. I have
known even in our own country, where we are remote
from the seats of the muses, a good deal of it possessed,
by way travellers, or boat men on our rivers.
It is a kind of unshakled dialect; fettered by no rule
of delicacy, or feeling of humanity. I have been turning
in my mind what word in our English language, best
expresses it, and I have found it to be that which has
been given it by Thomas Paine, black-guardism. The
editor of the Porcupine had scored the village not a
little. I do not say rubbed. For that is a translation
of the phrase of Horace: urbem defricuit; and conveys
the idea of tickling, and causing a sensation in
part, pleasant, yet hurting a little. That was not the
case here. For what man without indignation and
bitter resentment, can bear the touch of the slanderer,
more especially if that slander is of a private, and domestic
nature and alludes to what cannot be explained
or defended. Not that it is true, but a man in the
just pride of standing in society, would scorn to appeal
to the public or bring it before a court!

There was in the village a man of understanding,
and sensibility who had been the subject of caracature
by Peter, and not chusing for reasons that weighed
with himself, to take it in good part, thought of
retaliation. But what could he do? The same language
was unbecoming a gentleman. The like strictures
of foibles or of faults on the part of an

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adversary, could only become the character of a subordinate.
Nor was it so much his object to repress the licentiousness
of this buffoon, as to correct the taste and
judgment of the public who did not all at once distinguish
the impropriety of countenancing such ribbaldry.
This they continued to do by receiving his
papers.

With a view to this having taken a pole-cat on
the mountains, he had put it in a cage and hiring an
office contiguous to that of Porcupine he kept it, suffering
the boys of the village to provoke it, and the dogs
to bark at it through the bars. The consequence
was, that Peter himself, and not unfrequently the female
part of his family passing and repassing, were
besprinkled with the effluvia and offended with the
odour of the animal. The effusions were excited by
the irritations of others; but friend and foe were indiscriminately
the objects of the vapour when they came
in the way of its ascension. It was in vain to complain;
the owner called himself Paul Pole-cat, and
when Peter expostulated and justified his gall on the
freedom of the Press, Paul fortified himself on the
liberty of the Express.

But it was not Peter alone nor his unoffending
wife and family that had reason to complain of this
nuisance. The children running home to their parents,
and the dogs with them brought the perfume to
the houses of the village. The wearing apparel of
almost every one was affected with the musk; the
women buried their dresses; the men in some instances
did so, and in others, hung them up to the action
of the air, and the dews of the adjoining wood.

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The vestiges of these were the phenomena,
which the Captain saw, in his approach to the town.

He had now got within sight of the main square,
when a tumultuous assembly struck his eye; some
with fists raised; others with sticks, and all in a menacing
attitude. He could also hear tongues of people
altercating with one another and using opprobrious
epithets.

The fact was, that the village had become divided.
Those who had been the subjects of the obloquy of
Porcupine, justified the emission of the cats, and were
of opinion that the one had as good a right to be
borne as the other. Council had been taken and learned
opinions given. But this making the matter no
better, the dissention had increased, and the people
had come together in a rage.

Teague at a distance seeing this, stop'd short;
said he, what means all this paple in de street? It is
as bad as dat of St. Anthony in Paris, or de place de
greve where dey have de gillotine. The devil burn
me if I go farther, 'till your honour, goes on and sees
what is de matter.

The Captain advancing to the populace was recognized
by them, and his appearance contributed not
a little to a longer suspension of hostilities.

Countrymen and fellow-citizens, said he, is this
the satisfaction that I have, in returning amongst you
after an absence of several years, to see man armed
against man, and war waged not only in the very
bosom of the republic, but in the village which I have
instructed by many precepts? What can be the madness
that possesses you? are not the evils of life sufficient?
but you must increase them by the positive

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acts of your own violence. You cannot wholly preserve
yourselves at all times free from the maladies of
the body, or the distresses of the mind. But it is in
your power greatly to assuage these, by the virtues of
temperance and moderation. What fury can prompt
you, to this degree of apparent resentment, and approaching
tumult. Is it local or general politics? Is
it any disagreement with regard to your corporate interests,
or is religion the cause? Has any flagrant instance
of moral turpitude, or exceeding knavery in an
individual, roused you to this excess of violence, and
exclamation?

Captain, said a middle aged man stepping forward,
companion of his years, and who had long lived
with him in the village; it is not only pleasing to see
you return in apparent, good health, but more especially,
at this particular moment when your interference
cannot but be of the greatest use, to the citizens;
not only on account of that confidence which they
have in your judgment and discretion, of which they
have a lively recollection; but as they must naturally
think that your opportunities from travelling must
have given you knowledge, and brought you home
full fraught with learning and information. Your
humanity is also, well remembered by them, that
man, woman or child was never injured by you, in
life, estate, or reputation; that on the contrary, it was
always your study to do good, and compose differences.
Now a misfortune has happened to the village;
If I can call it a misfortune, which was at first
thought a good; a printer came to this place and set
up a paper, or gazette, by taking subscriptions from
those that were willing to give them. His device

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was the Porcupine; and his motto, I forget what.
Scarcely a month had gone over his head before he
began to lampoon; searching into the secrets of families,
and publishing matters of individuals, with
which, whether true or false, the public had nothing
to do; ridiculing virtue as if it was vice; and this
in so low and disorderly a manner, that the more intelligent
have disapproved of it; but the bulk read,
and it seems to increase rather than curtail his subscribers.
A young man on the other hand that has
come to us since you went away, and has had an academic
education, had given his opinion pretty freely
in companies, that this Porcupine was not a gentleman,
which drew upon himself the paragraph's of
Porcupine, which he has resented in a manner, that
has wrought much disturbance. Meaning to burlesque
his manner of writing, having gone to the
mountain with a dog, or a trap, or both, and having
taken a pole-cat, he puts the beast in a cage; hires
that frame building that you see, one story high, and
but a room on a floor, and calls it his office. Here
he places the pole-cat with a man to attend it. What
a running of boys; what a barking of dogs we have
had! and when the children run home, and the dogs
after them; what a putting of the hand upon the
nose, by the servant girls and the misstresses, at the
smell that accompanies. The young man justifies
himself under the pretence that it is but retaliation
to the worse than animal odor that proceeds from the
press of Porcupine; for, as this affects the organ of
smelling, that disgusts the judgment of the mind.
The people are divided, as will always be the case,
if for no other cause, yet for the sake of division;

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because the pride of one man forbids him to think just
as another does. But in this case, the cause is serious
and solid, for the olfactory organ is offended by
Paul, but the heart itself is wounded by Peter. The
adversaries of the opposum, or what else it is, insist
that it shall be put down as a nuisance, and have met
with clubs, staves and knives, to carry the threat into
execution. The advocates of the animal on the other
hand have convened to opppose them.

But said the Captain, did I not leave you a regular
corporation? Have you not power to make bye laws?
and is not this done upon notice given by the chief or
Assistant Burgesses? why such hurry scurry as this?
moreover it is a weighty question that agitates the
public mind; a question of right: and where the
rights of the citizen come in question, I hold it a most
delicate thing to decide; in a free government, more
especially, where the essence of liberty is the preservation
of right; and there are three rights, the right
of concience, the right of property and the right of
refutation. This is a right of property; for if this
animal which is feræ naturæ, has been reclaimed by
the owner, he has a right to put it to such use as suits
his trade, or accords with his whim, provided that it
does not affect the rights of others. The limit, boundary,
or demarcation of this use, is a question of wise
discussion and examination; and not in a tumultuous
assembly, heated not with wine, but with the ardency
of their own spirits. I advise therefore, and so far
as my weak judgment deserves to be regarded would
recommend, that each man lay down his shalelah,
baton, or walking-stick, and retire for the evening;
and convene to-morrow in a regular town meeting,

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where the adversaries and advocates on both sides may
have an opportunity of being heard. You have lawyers
also amongst you, who on such an occasion owe
their services to the public without fee or reward; for
as when the matter respects the digging a trench, or
building a bridge, the mechanics speak, and ask no
peculiar douceur, or perquisite; so on this occasion,
the gentlemen of the long robe will not be wanting to
develope a case that involves in it a nice question of
law and municipal regulation. To-morrow when ye
meet with the chief Burgess regularly in the chair, to
keep order, and preserve decorum assign the proper
times of speaking, and call to order on a deviation from
the subject, as is usual in deliberative assemblies, the
business can be taken up and conducted as is proper
in town meetings. Besides I am just from my journey;
somewhat fatigued; but more moved by the consideration
that I am on horse-back, and it is not becoming
that I take a part in your debates as if my
horse were to speak also; for though it is true that
some of you may speak with perhaps as little sense
as he could, were he to open his mouth and attempt
utterance; yet the decency of the thing forbids, and
even the exercise of the right might be questioned; for
the faculty might exist, yet he could not be considered
as legitimately franchised to this privilege, at least
not having a right to vote in town meetings. For
though in the Congress of the United States, the representatives
of the territories, not yet organized into
independent states, and made regular and complete
members of the Union, have a right to speak, but not
to vote, this is not to be drawn into precedent in subordinate
corporations; for that is a special provision

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of the constitution within which as a groove, the states
move. And it is even indecorous for myself to sit
here and speak, mounted, as occupying a more elevated
station; and should I descend from my cavalry,
my servant whom you see yonder, is kept at bay, by
an apprehension of your swords, and refuses to come
up, so that I am without an attendant to hold the
beast; all things considered therefore, I move, if you
will excuse the expression, a chairman not yet being
appointed, who might put the question, that you
adjourn, or dissolve until to-morrow about this
time, when the matter may be taken up as we now
have it, and the affair canvassed as becomes members
of the same community, and inhabitants of the same
village.

It cannot be difficult to conceive that these words
had a favourable effect upon the audience; as oils
compose a storm. For as the waves of the ocean
rise and fall suddenly, so the passions of men; and
in no instance more than where they are just coming
to blows; for approaching anger disposes to peace,
every one having felt half a blow already on his head;
and the difficulty only is to get an excuse, for returning,
or sheathing the weapon. They are much obliged
to the man that councils concord; and advises the
puting down the brick-bat, or puting on the coat.
Even in dueling it holds the same, and the principal
is a friend to the second ever after, that manages the
matter so wisely that no blood is shed.

It was moved and seconded before the people
should retire; for the mob had insensibly begun to
assume the form of a regular assembly; it was moved
and seconded that in the mean time the keeper, or

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as he called himself the editor of the pole-cat, should
keep his charge within the claustrum, or bars of his
cage, and covered with a matting, so that access
might not be had to him, by man or beast, or egress
on his part, of that offensive odour, which had been
the cause of the disturbance. This, the partizans of
the skunk, were willing to admit and sanction with
their acquiescence, on condition, nevertheless, that
the Porcupine in the mean time, should also restrain
his quills; in other words, suspend the effusions of
his press, and cease to distribute papers for a day or
two while the matter was depending. This was
thought reasonable, and carried by the multitude
holding up their hands.

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The day following, a meeting being held, and the Chief
Burgesa in the chair, an advocate of Porcupine took
the ground and spoke.

Gentlemen, said he, the press is the palladium of
liberty. “The image that fell down from Jupiter.”
The freedom of the press is essential to liberty.
Shackle the press, and you restrain freedom. The
constitutions of the states have provided that the press
shall be free. If you muzzle this, you may as well
muzzle the mouth of man.

It is not the freedom of the press, said one interupting
him, it is the abuse of it that is in question.

The chief burgess called to order, and the speaker
went on.

That is the point, said he, to which I meant to
come. What shall be said to be the abuse of the
press? In order to determine this, we must consider
its use. This is,

1. The amusement of the editor. For as some
men amuse themselves, shooting, fishing, or chacing
with the hound, wild beasts, so men of literary taste,
find their recreation in penning paragraphs for a paper,
sometimes containing information, or observations
on the state of empires, and the characters of
great men; at other times by descending, or not rising

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at all, but confining themselves to the subordinate,
affairs of individuals, and private persons.

2. The profit of the editor: and this depends on
the number of subscribers. It is not every one that
has a taste for refined writing. An editor must be
“all things to all men, that he may gain some.”
Guts and garbage delight bears; and swine swill the
trough in preference to the running stream. Black-guardism
is the gout of many. Nay it is the more
prevailing taste;


“The world is naturally averse
To all the truth it sees or hears;
But swallows nonsense and a lie,
With greediness and gluttony.”

In Britain, or some other countries, delicacy may
succeed. But the coarse stomachs of the Americans
crave rather indelicacy and indecency, at least a portion
of it. Rough like their own woods, and wild
beasts, they digest scurrility.

Well done Porcupine, said a pole-cat man, taking
the ground in his turn: well said. But this furnishes
a ground to justify the introduction of the pole-cat.
You talk of the freedom of the press. Here is the
freedom of the express. Nay the word expression
which is common to both institutions, the artificial
one of the types, and the natural one of the cat, shews
the original to be similar, and the comparison to run
on all-fours. If the ink cast into black letter, and
carrying with it pain and pungency from the ideas
communicated, is tolerated; much more the volatile
alkali of the animal that is now set up, is to be born,
as not more offensive to body or mind. Shall the bark
of trees made into powder, and this powder into a

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liquid, impregnated with thought, and put upon
paper, and carried to the press, be accounted harmless,
notwithstanding the violence of the decoction, to
speak figuratively, yet the wild cats that inhabit those
trees, and are denizens of the forest, be prohibited
the haunts of men, because of a bag under their tails
which contains an unsavoury distillation, and may
be occasionally spurted upon men?

A young lawyer took him up on the side of Porcupine.
The principles of the common law embrace
this case. It is unlawful to exercise trades in towns
that occasion noisome smells; they are abateable as
nuisances.

Grant it, said another on the pole-cat side; but
when it is in retaliation, or in self-defence against an
editor whose defamation is more offensive to the feelings
of the mind, than the hogo of a civet to the sense of
smelling; or when it is used in burlesque, and by way
of analogy and symbol to explain the impropriety of encouraging
such personal abuse, by taking papers, it
may correct by leading to reflection. The mind may
be insensible to abstract lessons, but a paradigm, or object
set before it may affect. As to this man carrying
on his trade or occupation by the smell of a cat, it is
an occupation which can be carried on to advantage
only in a town; for it is in towns chiefly that editors
assemble; and it is by seting up under our noses, and
affecting the readers, that the impression is made.
For if the public will receive into their houses for the
use of themselves and families gossip slander, let
them take a little of this hartshorn with it and if they
will have the one, bear the other. A ground of the
common law is general reason adopted to particular

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cases. I grant that it even goes so far as to make the
keeping hogs in a pen so near my window, in towns,
as to offend by the smell, a nuisance; but this is a
borough incorporated, and can by a bye law regulate a
new trade. I hold it to be a matter of vote, and nothing
more; whether this quadruped shall be tolerated
or excluded.

The advocate for the press rejoined. The common
law, said he, protects the press. It is the right
of the tongue transfered to the hand: it ought to be
as free as the air that we breathe: The privilege,
as unfettered as the organs of articulation. But what
is there in the common law to protect from the aspersion
of this animal?

The pole-cat man replied. It is on principle and
by analogy, said he, that it is protected. Does not the
law of water courses apply to this. If a man divert
a stream from my meadow, or obstruct one running
through it, so as to dam it up, and drown the grass, have
not I a remedy; shall this man at much expence and
charge bring a beast from the mountains, tame it, or
reduce it under his dominion, and apply it to a purpose
in civilized and domestic life, and shall we say that
the common law does not protect him in the enjoyment
of its musk?

The lawyer on the side of Porcupine rejoined. So
use your own said he, that you trespass not upon another
mans. If you keep your smell, and hogs at
home to your own nose, there is no objection. But in
the nature of the thing it cannot be; for the air is the
natural conductor; and therefore it cannot but exist
a nuisance.

Surrejoinder by the other. But after all, is it more a
nuisance than the press, which it has in view to correct?

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At this instant a commotion was perceivable
amongst the multitude; not on acount of what was
said, or meaning any disturbance like debate; but the
rumour was that a fresh cat had been brought from the
hills above the town, and was on its way to the college-man
who had offered a reward for an additional puss
to increase his stock; and as it was conjectured, meant
to play it off under the pretext that the prohibition contained
in the armistice extended only to the individual
beast that he had before in his possession.

The Captain, at this, rising, said; young man this
is not fair. It is within the reason, if not the express
words of the convention, that all annoyances by steam,
vapour or effluvix proceeding from a pole-cat shall be
suspended during the pendency of this question; and
it is an evasion to substitute another badger, and by
that means attempt to elude the stipulation.

The young man got up to explain. It is far from
me, said he, to elude or evade the performance of the
stipulation. The fact is, that hearing, a day or two
ago, that Porcupine, was about to enlarge his sheet,
and for that purpose had employed a journeyman, or
two more, I thought it not amiss to extend the scale
of my vapour and employ two conduits instead of
one. For that purpose had sent to the woods, for another
cat, which is now on the way, but in a leathern
bag by my directions, and not to have regress, or
egress, until this assembly shall dissolve, nor for a
reasonable time after, that eundo, and redeundo, or
going as well as coming you may be safe let what
will be the issue of the controversy; whether I am
to break up stock, or be suffered to go on.

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This explanation gave satisfaction, and composed
the assembly.

Another speaker had now occupied the ground.
I cannot say the floor, for there was no floor. I am,
said he, for supporting the press. The objection is,
that it is a blackguard press. But while there are
blackguards to write, must they not have a press? Is
it only men of polished education that have a right
to express their sentiments? Let them write in magazines,
or make books, or have gazettes of their
own, but not restrict the right that people of a more
uncultivated understanding have to amuse themselves
and others with their lucubrations. You call us the
Swinish Multitude, and yet refuse us the food that is
natural to us. Are there not amongst us that have
no relish for disquitions on the balance of power or
form of governments, agricultural essays, or questions
of finance; but can comprehend and relish a
laugh raised at the expense of the master of a family;
or a public character in high station; if for no other
reason, but because it gratifies the self-love of those
who cannot attain the same eminence? Take away
from us this, and what have we more? What is the
press to us, but as it amuses?

I think, said another rising, that the gentleman
means irony. But let us take the matter seriously.
I am on the same side with him, but not for the same
reasons. I take it, that scurrility may be useful to
those that bear it, and are the subjects of it. It may
bring to a man's knowledge and serve to correct foibles
that he would not otherwise have been conscious
of, or amended. Men will hear from the buffoon or
the jester, things they would not take from a friend,

[figure description] Page 022.[end figure description]

and scarcely from a confessor. It was on this principle
that in the middle ages of Europe, a profession
of men was indulged, and rewarded, in the houses
of the great, called the Joculators, or Jesters. So late
as the time of James I. we had one of these of the
name of Archy. The Duke of Buckingham
having taken offence at something that he said, had
him whipped. It was thought beneath a man of honour
to have taken notice of it; and inflicted punishment.
I consider the bulk of our editors as succeeding
to the joculators or fool-caps of the early periods;
and as the knights or men of character and dignity
of those times were not bound to notice the follies, however
gross of jokers, so now a gentleman is not bound
to pay attention to the defamation of gazettes; nay,
as in the former instance, it was deemed uncourteous,
and unbecoming to resent what the fool said,
so more what a printer chuses to publish. Selden in
his table talk remarks, “That a gallant man, is above
ill words. We have an example of this in the old
Lord of Salsbury, who was a great wise man. Stone
had called some Lord about the Court fool. The
Lord complains, and has Stone whipped. Stone cries,
I might have called my Lord of Salsbury often
enough, fool, before he would have had me whipped.”
As in the case of the Merry Andrew, even when
there was no wit, it was taken for wit; so now, when
an editor means to divert, however dull his abuse, it
ought to be the mode to laugh, to keep those who
know no better in countenance.

The Captain rising and putting himself in the attitude
of speaking, seemed to claim the attention of

[figure description] Page 023.[end figure description]

the audience. I see here, said he, the Principal of
the Academy, a man of letters and learning. I would
wish to hear from him how the ancients managed
these matters: in the republics of Greece and Rome
especially. For since I have been abroad, and read
and heard public speeches, I find that it is no unusual
thing to draw similies, and illustrations from the
sayings and doings of antiquity. In deliberate assemblies
talking of governments, they tell you of the
Amphytrionic Council; the Achean league, the
Ionian confederacy. What was the freedom of the
press at Athens, or at Rome?

The principal rising—The fact is, said he, there
was no press at these places, or in these times. The
invention of printing is of later date. But they had
in lieu of pen and ink, what they called the style,
hence our phrase style, vertere stylum, and they
impressed their thoughts upon wax. They made use
of ink in copying upon vellum and parchment. But
notwithstanding the want of a press, they were not
without satyric salt in their writings. Nor are we
to suppose that they were altogether free from what
we denominate scurrility. They could call a spade
a spade. Aristophanes was a great blackguard. His
Comedy of the Clouds is a sufficient specimen. Lucilius,
amongst the Romans was a rough man. Cum
lutulentus flueret, &c. Do we suppose that nature
was not then the same as it is now? On board the
Roman gallies was there no low humour? In the
Roman camps none? In the Forum no occasional
ribaldry? Would not this naturally get up into higher
walks? Would it not creep into corporations?

[figure description] Page 024.[end figure description]

sometimes in verse; sometimes in prose: versis
famosis. The poet speaks of the fesscenine verses.
Amongst the Romans the Saturnalia, or days of Saturn
became a festival, in which it was allowable to
exercise their faculties in all intemperance of language.

This is all wide of the question, said an individual,
holding his hand upon his nose; it is shall we tolerate
the pole-cat in this village?—For, maugre all the pains
that may have been taken to restrain the pett, and
confine it by a matting, I feel a portion of the fetor
this very moment, come across my nose, by a puff
of wind from that quarter, where it is. I move that
the question be taken, whether, whatever becomes of
the press, the nuisance of this beast, be suffered in the
vicinity. For what can a news-paper do, compared
with this? It is sent us and we read the publication.
But this is involuntary, on our part, and there
is no saving ourselves from the exhalation.

I move the previous question said a friend to the
baboon; or rather an enemy to the Porcupine. I
move that the press be put down, or that both go together.

There is hardship both ways, said an elderly inhabitant.
In a community different interests will exist.
Family interests; family attachments; party conceptions;
and party interests. The passions of the heart
will create differences. To have a printer all on one
side even though he be a dunce, is an inequality.
What if we prevail upon the owner, or as he would
call himself the publisher of the pole-cat, to give
up or sell out his establishment, dismiss the wild

[figure description] Page 025.[end figure description]

beast, or return it to the mountains, and institute in
its place, a counter press of types and black-ball
that may be a match for Porcupine.

O Jehu! Said a man laughing, where will you
get a match for Porcupine? A man neither of conscience
or shame, taught and educated as he is, with
typography that is adequate? Who will be willing to
be the ostensible vehicle of language becoming a scavenger?
Can any one be found who will have front
from insensibility of heart, or the forehead of brass,
to bear the imputation? If we could get some Teague
O'Regan now, that did not know what we were doing
with him: that would think it an honour to be employed;
that would not take amiss the proposition
of making him the conduit of reproach, and dishonourable
inuendo; in short, from whom it could be
concealed on what account he was chosen; the project
might be plausible.

The Captain, at this rising hastily; a thing unusual
with him; for he was naturally grave and sedate;
but suddenly feeling the impulse of the congruity, he
started from his seat, and seconded the proposition
of another press; for said he, the very Teague O'Regan
that you want is at hand; a waiter of mine.
A bog-trotter, taken, not on the Balagate, but, on the
Irish mountains: an aboriginal of the island; not
your Scotch-Irish, so called, a colony planted in Ulster,
by king James the first of England, when he
subdued the natives; but a real Paddy, with the
brogue on his tongue, and none on his feet; brought
up to sheep-stealing from his youth; for his ancestors
inhabiting the hills, were a kind of free-booters,

[figure description] Page 026.[end figure description]

time immemorial, coming down to the low grounds,
and plundering the more industrious inhabitants.
Captured by traps set upon the hills, or surrounded
in the bogs, attempting his escape, he had been tamed
and employed, many years, digging Turf, before he
came to my hands. I bought him from an Irish vessel,
just as a curiosity, not that I expected much service
from him; but to see what could be made of a
rude man by care and patience. The rogue has a
low humour, and a sharp tongue; unbounded impudence.
And what may be a restraint upon the licentiousness
of his press, should he set up one, he is a
most abominable coward; the idea of cudgeling will
keep him in bounds; should he over-match Porcupine,
and turn upon his employers. He has all the
low phrases, cant expressions, illiberal reflections,
that could be collected from the company he has kept
since he has had the care of my horse, and run after
my heels in town and country for several years past.
What is more, he has been in France, and has a
spice of the language, and a tang of Jacobinism in
his principles, and conversation, that will match the
contrary learning carried to an exhorbitant excess in
Peter Forcupine. I do not know that you can do better
than contribute to a paper of his setting up. He
may call it the Mully-Grub, or give it some such
title as will bespeak the nature, of the matter it will
usually contain.

The college-man at this came forward. I am far,
said he, from a disposition to spoil sport; but when
the useful is mixed with the jest, I count every point
gained.

[figure description] Page 027.[end figure description]

Yes, said the principal of the academy, Omne tulit
punctum, qui miscuit utile dulci.

I never had intended, continued the other, more
than to reach the sensations of the multitude, and
bring them to their senses. It is only by an appeal
to feeling that the mind sometimes can be awakened.
The public have now some idea of what I mean, that
the licentiousness of the press, is not more a nuisance
in the moral, than offensive smells are in the physical
world. I agree that the cat be removed, and as a
substitute, that we may taper off gradually, shall
subscribe to the Mully-Grub.

The speech was applauded, and the vote taken.

[figure description] Page 028.[end figure description]

Duncan M`Dougal, taking the Captain aside, as
he was walking home, suggested an alteration of the
title of O'Regan's paper, which was to call it the
“Rams Horn;” for said he, the rams horn is a Scripture
name; it was at the sound of rams horns that
the walls of Jerico fell down; now if by a rams horn
paper, we can knock down, this Porcupine, it will
bear an analogy. The ram and the he-goat are spoken
of in the Prophesy of Daniel. In short, the ram is
a very common symbol. Hence amongst the Romans
the warlike engine which they made use of at
sieges, was called a battering ram. All this could
be explained, and made a good introduction or opening
to the paper; and this being done, it will be necessary
that the analogy be kept up; for the editor
must butt and run his head at every body. The
hardest fend off in that case. It will behoove him
to be a good deal personal, to be a match for Porcupine.
The greater the blackguard, the better the
editor now a days. It was not so in Britain, even in
Wilkes's time. National peculiarities were a common
theme of his irony, but he did not descend to personalities;
but you Americans have improved upon
the matter, if it may be called improvement.

The Captain was a little hurt at this. But,
said he, is this stile of controversy of American origin,
or confined altogether to American editors; I

[figure description] Page 029.[end figure description]

mean such authors of newspapers, as have had their
education in America. Your armies during the revolutionary
war, have left among us both language
and men, and some have come since, from the other
side the water, that if not the first, have at least excelled
most in this way of writing. But it may be of
more use to learn how to counteract it, than to ascertain
its origin. It may be of domestic origin. It
may be imported; or both. The truth is, that where
a leading editor, becomes so, from his situation in a
great city, or by his eminent talents, distinguishes
himself in any way, the editors in smaller country
towns imitate, and one black sheep, gives the rot to
the whole herd.

But it will be necessary, said M`Dougal, that your
editor, O'Regan, proceed in this way of newspaper
blackguardism as a match for Porcupine, or a burlesque
on him, for this is the end of his creation,
and our object in taking him up. It will behoove
him to stick at nothing. He must out Herod Herod
in all that is scurrilous. Nature would seem to have
fitted him for it, and art has done her part, from the
servile habits of his occupation. He must have collected
much dialogue, and I may add dialect, from
the subordinate company of his station, in the capacity
of waiter to your Captainship in the course of your
late rambles. It is an ill wind that blows no body
good, and this village may profit by it.

[figure description] Page 030.[end figure description]

The day after the town meeting, the Captain began
to reflect, that he could not avoid being implicated
in the character of the paper about to be established.
O'Regan was known to be his servant; at
least to be under his influence, and he would be considered
the real editor; Teague the ostensible, and
though the fact was known at home, that he had
nothing to do with it, yet abroad, it would bear a
different construction, and refutation would be difficult.
Having supported the character of a gentleman,
and being still willing to support that character,
how could he endure to have the volumes of scurrility,
that would appear, worse than the atmosphere
of that nuisance in whose place it was substituted,
imputed to his pen; or supposed to be admitted with
his approbation. Uneasy with this upon his mind,
he could see no way to get out of the labyrinth in
which he had involved himself, by inadvertently proposing
Teague. He thought it however his duty, and
that he was bound in honour to disclose to the bog-trotter,
the office to which he was destined. Maintaining
good faith, he was unwilling to make use of
his influence to dissuade from the undertaking; or
accomplishing the same thing, by sap, endeavour to
deter by representing the danger that existed, and
the consequences that might ensue. This he could

[figure description] Page 031.[end figure description]

easily have done, by suggesting the guillotine, or even
a cudgeling, the more common mode of punishment,
in this republic. But good faith forbade. The contrary
was expected of him, and he must fulfil the expectation.
Detailing therefore to the future editor,
the history of his selection, and sketching a little the
duties of his office, he had prepared him for the town-meeting
this day; and at the hour accompanied him
to the town-house, and announced the new candidate
for their subscriptions.

But what was the amazement of every one, when
news was brought, that Porcupine, had decamped in
the night. Whether it was that the talents of Teague
had been magnified, and he did not chuse to engage
in competition with one so much his superior, lest he
should lose by comparison, the reputation he had
acquired; or what is more likely, the constables
were after him for debt, his press and types having
been seized the day before, and sold for rent, and
new demands, of a smaller nature coming against
him, fines and penalties also hanging over him for
libels; and damages recoverable in actions of defamation;
but so it was, that he had disappeared.

The Captain was relieved from embarrassment
to his great joy, which he endeavoured to conceal,
but to the mortification of Teague, who had aspired
to a paper war with his antagonist. The Captain
was glad, because he now saw a way open to set aside
the idea of a press, at least on the footing of a blackguard
press; and to any other Teague was not competent.

[figure description] Page 032.[end figure description]

Towns-men, and fellow-citizens, said he, seizing
the first opportunity to speak, the reason has ceased
upon which we had proposed to act.

Yes said a lawyer, cessante ratione, cessat et
ipsa lex.

The reason has ceased, said the Captain, of setting
up the bog-trotter in the capacity of an editor as
a match for Porcupine, for he has disappeared; and
what need we buft at the bear when there is no bear
to buff at. Unless indeed we could set him up, expecting
from him a chaste and pure paper containing
solid information, and strictures useful to the republic.
But that, from his education and manners, we
have no reason to expect. It is true, if he had sense
to collect the ideas, and give them expression he has
had opportunities to observe what if known and digested
might essentially serve to preserve from extremes
in a free government. He has seen the folly
of the people of France, if those occasionally thrown
into the representative assemblies, could be called the
people. He has seen the folly of these in reducing
all things to the first elements instead of accomodating
to existing establishments; of deracinating from
the foundation church and state. and bandying the
term liberty until ignorance and usurpation, terminated
in despotism. For though at the commencement
of a revolution, active and uninformed spirits, are
useful, or perhaps absolutely necessary, like the subterranean
fire throwing up continents; yet as in this
case, the fostering dews, and the breath of the atmosphere,
are necessary to give soil and impregnate
with vegetation; so after the stirrings of men's minds,
with a political convulsion, deliberate reason, and

[figure description] Page 033.[end figure description]

prudent temperament are necessary, to preserve what is
gained, and turn it to advantage. But fellow-citizens,
this sans culotte, for so he was called in France; and
well he might; for he was without femorals when he
went away, and when he came back; this sans
culotte, is not a Mirabeau. He has kept no journal:
he has made no observations except of men's heads
chopped off by the guillotine. He has brought back
little with him, but ce que dit; que ce vous la; donnez
moi, and such like. I think we are well off with him
and let him go to his vocation.

It was agreed; and the sans culotte was dismissed.

[figure description] Page 034.[end figure description]

The preceding chapters were written some years
ago, while an editor of the name of Cobbet, published
a paper under the title of “Porcupine.” But the
breaking up of that paper in a manner similar to that
just stated, prevented the going on with the allegory,
or the handing to the public by the way of the press,
in some shape, the pamphlet begun. Some time
since, the appearance of a certain Callender, in a paper
under the title of the Recorder, had induced me
to look at what I had intended for Porcupine, and to
think of continuing it to some point and winding up
of the story; but the man drowning himself, or being
drowned by accident, bathing in the river Potomack,
stopped me in my intention, as it would be like throwing
water on a dead, or as the proverb is, a drowned
rat, to say any thing that had a relation to him.

But having a little leisure on my hands, and in
warm weather, liking light work, I amused myself
with saying some things that were on my mind on
other subjects, and I thought I would make this which
I had already written, the introduction. For the fact
is, that I mean this tale of a Captain travelling, but
as a vehicle to my way of thinking on some subjects;
just as the ancients introduced speakers in
a dialogue, occasionally at banquets; or as the philosophers
in their walks and conversations, moralized
in parables, and feigned cases, a way of reasoning,
and address less offending the self-love of

[figure description] Page 035.[end figure description]

men than what has the appearance of immediate and
direct instruction. Nor, will the publication of the
foregoing hints on the illiberality of the press, be
thought, even now altogether useless; for though,
since the death, or departure, of the two monsters
just named, there has been an ebb of this flood of
scurrility, yet, dropping the figure, the American
press, has not been wholly free from the stains of the
like paragraphs. The application therefore may not
be wholly without an object, and, in the painting
may be seen some existing resemblances. For
though, as the almanac-makers, say “it is calculated
for a particular meridian, yet it may without sensible
variation, serve other latitudes.” No man can
have a higher opinion of the dignity of station occupied
by the editor of a paper under a free government,
than I have. In short I think it one of the
most honourable, as well as the most useful in society.
I am unwilling therefore that it be degraded,
and I am happy to observe that the example of the
two monsters mentioned, has had the effect to disgust
the public, and lead to a reform of what had proceeded
from an imitation of their blackguard personalities.

I take the pulpit, the courts of judicature, and the
press, to be the three great means of sustaining and
enlightening a republic. The Scripture is replete
with the finest sayings of morality. With a scholar
of the Latin and the Greek school, it is delightful
to quote in conversation, or writing, the classical
sentences of antiquity, aptly applying them to the
occasion; enriching the discourse with apposite
thoughts; pleasing the hearer, or the reader, and

[figure description] Page 036.[end figure description]

doing credit to the persons drawing out from his
treasury, such things new and old. But these writings
of an oriental cast, the Scriptures, contain pithy
observations upon life and manners, than which there
can be nothing more delightful to remember and
quote, and more profitable to carry into practice.
Reading the Scriptures by young people; hearing
them explained and introduced by quotation, sermon
and lectures from the pulpit, raises the affections to
virtue, and helps the judgment in the conduct of life.

The courts of judicature, are a school of justice,
and honour. A great ground of the law, are the
principles of universal justice. The discussion of
council; the verdicts of juries, the decision of the
courts, have respect to the great principles of moral
honesty. But the sphere is confined, compared with
that of the press, which has an extensive range; and,
for this reason ought to preserve the greater delicacy
in language and sentiment. Even the war of the
sword has its laws.—It is not allowable to poison
springs, or the means of life. In a paper war nothing
is justifiable that does not tend to establish a
position, or determine a controversy; that which
outrages humanity, is the cruelty of a savage who
puts to death with torture, or disfigures, to gratify
revenge.

To know what may be said in a paper, or in
what manner it may be said, the editor whom the
public alone knows, need only consider what would
become a gentleman to say, in promiscuous society.
Whether conversing in the manner he writes, or in
which, what is inserted, is written, he would be heard
with respect, and treated with civility. Good

[figure description] Page 037.[end figure description]

breeding is as necessary in print as in conversation. The
want of it equally entitles to the appellation of an illbred-man.
The press can have no more licence than
the tongue. In fact, at the tribunal of common sense,
it has less, because an expression might escape a
man, which might receive pardon, or excuse, as the
offspring of inadvertence; but writing is deliberate,
and you may turn back and strike out the allusion,
or correct the term.

National character is interested in the delicacy
of the press. It is a disgrace to a people to have
amongst them volumes of scurrility circulated
through their post-offices, with a peculiar privilege
of centage more than their common correspondence;
to have bilingsgate, as they call it, in a kingdom,
which we surpass in privileges, placed upon the
benches in our public houses, or sent home to our
private dwellings.

Is this the occupation to which it ought to be an
honour to belong; to which a father would wish to
put a son, having educated him with the best advantages,
and giving him, as he had thought, a duty as
sacred as the priesthood, and with a more exclusive
sphere of action than the barrister; having it in high
commission by the constitution of his country, “to
canvass the conduct of men in public offices,” and
inform the public, “where the matter is proper for
public information.”

It does not follow, that because a man takes a paper,
that he approves of all that is in it. It is certainly
censurable to continue our subscription to a
paper, the prevailing tenor of which is defamatory of

[figure description] Page 038.[end figure description]

individuals; but were we to reject a paper because
it is occasionally so, there are few papers that we
should take at all. The American press, has been
abominably gross, and defamatory, and there are few
publications of this nature, that have been at all times
unexceptionable. “The fool scattereth fire-brands,”
and saith, “am I not in jest?” A man will be astonished
sometimes to hear of himself, or of others,
what has not the slightest foundation, but in the invention
and imagery of the paragraphist. There may
be some prototype, filmy origin to the unsubstantial
fabric; perhaps not even a vapour, but in the breath
of the defamer. Is the assassin odious, and not the
author of anonymous abuse? Yet such is the error
of opinion with some, that they think it not dishonourable
to attack anonymously. It is cowardice in
a free country, where the law is equal; where no
Cæsar exists to make it necessary to conceal the author
of the pasquinade. A brave man will scorn
subterfuge, and shade. An honest man will avow
himself and his opinions. Yet how many write in
public prints that were they at the time to count upon
being known, they would retract, or alter much,
both in stile and sentiment, of what they subscribe
with signatures of fiction.

I feel a concern for the honour of the American
press, that as we are before most, or all other governments
in the freedom of it, we may not be behind
in the delicacy with which it is used.

[figure description] Page 039.[end figure description]

Notwithstanding the Captain thought he had
got quit of Teague, in the matter of the press, he had
still some trouble. For the bog-trotter, the following
day, appeared dissatisfied. He thought his hopes
of an occupation had been raised, only with a view
to disappoint him. He had an hankering after the
press still, and talked of taking up subscriptions. To
put him off, the Captain suggested the publishing his
travels. Teague, said he, if many a man had what
you have in your power, he would make a fortune
by it. You have been in the Conciergerie. That,
of itself, might make a chapter that would fill a volume.
If you take up subscriptions, why not for
such a work as that? It will sell for a ready penny
these times; I would advise you to go about it.

Och, on my shoul, said Teague, but it would
make a book as big as the Praists' bible, if I was to
tell all dat I saw on toder side de great water. In
dat great country, old France; where de paple talk
all at once wid de brogue on deir tongue, and say
nothing. The devil burn me, but deir foutres, and
parbleus, would make a book, as big as a church staple.

Well done Teague, said the Captain; you must
then set about it. The first thing it will behoove you
to consider, is the manner in which it will be written;
whether your narration shall be in the first

[figure description] Page 040.[end figure description]

person, as, “I did this,” and “I said that;” or whether in
the third person, as it were one speaking of you, as,
“Teague having done so, and made an observation to
this effect.” And whether it shall be in the way of
continued narrative, with chapters, or in the shape
of a journal, or be cast in the way of letter. For all
these modes of writing are used as best suits the traveller;
or may be thought most pleasing to the reader.
One advantage you will have, that you need not
stick pertinaciously to the truth; for travellers have
a licence to deviate; and they are not considered as
on oath, or upon honour in giving their accounts;
embellishment is allowable. Some illumination of
their story: though, confining yourself to the truth
strictly, I make no doubt, your story will be sufficiently
extravagant, and of course, border on the marvellous.

The fact was, that the bog-trotter had incidents
sufficient to enliven his history. He had been in the
suit of Anacharsis Cloots, and represented an Esquimaux
Indian; he had been taken up in a balloon
some distance from the earth, and let down by a parachute,
instead of a sheep. It is true, this was not
with his own consent, but by force. The Parisians
thinking it of little account whether the experiment
was made with him or a less valuable animal. It is
true, to make amends for this, a royalist lady fell in
love with him, thinking he had a resemblance to the
young Duke of Orleans. He had made a fortunate
escape in the Conciergerie. A prisoner in the next
cell, No. 1, finding the letter G, put upon his door,
which stands for guillotine; exchanged for a few

[figure description] Page 041.[end figure description]

louis's with O'Regan, No. 2.—But an order came to
reprieve No. 1, and to take No. 2, meaning the bog-trotter.
The consequence was, that the Frenchman
was put into the cart, and our sans culotte escaped.

It would make a book, as has been said, to exhaust
these particulars, and many more that occured.
The Captain having recommended the work, was
concerned to have it accomplished with some credit
to those concerned, and therefore thought it advisable
to give the author some hints before he entered
on the task.

Teague, said he, the first thing to be thought of,
is a place to write. The extremes are two, the cellar
and the garret. The cellar was chosen by an
orator of Greece, to write his orations, or at least to
prepare for the writing them; for in this, he is said
to have copied over eight times the history of Thucidydes.
Whether it is the darkness, or the solitude
of the cavern, or both, that is congenial to the talent
of writing, may be a question. I should think, however,
that the aerial mansion of a garret is most favourable
to the lighter species, of writing such as
madrigals; or paragraphs in magazines, or novels.
But as yours is a serious work, it may be above the
subterranean, and below the firmament. Perhaps a
middle story may suffice. It will depend, however,
on your head. If you find yourself light, go down;
if heavy, mount; and thus adjust your apartment to
your feelings. The wasps chuse the garret; but the
spider is found sometimes in the cellar; and his
weaving is an emblem of the composition of an author;
while the wasp, resembles the critic.

[figure description] Page 042.[end figure description]

As to stile, Teague, after all that I have heard
said upon the subject, I know no more about it, than
this; just write as you would speak, and give your
account with simplicity, without affectation; understanding
your subject well, and using no more words,
than is necessary to express your meaning.

As to paper, whether common or woven; or
as to type, whether single or double pica; these
are terms I do not understand. I see them in the
advertisements, and that is all I know about them.
It will behoove you to enquire. Whether duodecimo,
octavo, or folio, may depend upon the bulk of
what is to be printed.

Without more ado, being furnished with subscription
papers, he set out to solicit the patronage
of subscribers for his work.

[figure description] Page 043.[end figure description]

The Captain had now been more than a month
at home, though, I have not filled up the time by
marking what he did every day, or how he was occupied.
But this he had done; made enquiry into the
history of the village; what changes in the domestic
affairs of his neighbours; what good or bad fortune
had happened to individuals, at the same time walking
through the town, he observed the improvements
or dilapidations in the buildings or streets. It was
obvious that little attention had been paid, for some
time to public works; the pavements were neglected,
and the ways and water-courses suffered to fill up.
An aqueduct begun, to bring a spring from the hill,
was left unfinished.

What can be the reason of all this, said the Captain?

It was answered, that the chief and assistant burgesses
some time ago had been extravagant; that
the works, which, by the charter of incorporation
they had a power to project, were extensive, and the
consequent taxes which they had a right to impose,
and which became necessary, were thought oppressive.
The people had turned out these officers at
the annual election, and chosen new. That these
wishing to preserve popularity, had let all matters
rest, and had neither made improvements, nor raised
taxes.

[figure description] Page 044.[end figure description]

And does this please the people, said the Captain.

No, said the citizen, who had taken upon him to
reply; they have turned out one set for doing too
much; and they will turn out the other next for doing
nothing.

But why not hit a medium, said the Captain.

A difficulty occurs, continued the speaker. In
the works projected, the people insist that no man
shall be consulted in his own occupation. The mason
shall make out the bills of scantling; and the
carpenter determine the arches of a stone bridge.

That is just as bad, said the Captain, as in a city
that I passed through in my travels. The physicians
claimed a right to judge of laws, and the lawyers of
physic. Reversing the maxim, that every man is to
be trusted in his own profession.

They are prejudiced, said the citizen, or thought
to be so. They have an interest in the amendments
projected; or weded to a system, they are not free
to change it to advantage. It is better to appeal to
persons that know nothing about the matter, and trust
them.

This is republicanism run mad, said the Captain.
The sovereign people would do well to imitate other
sovereigns, at least in this; that they trust even foreigners
in the arts, and not by an unreasonable jealousy,
loose the advantage of judgment, which it is not
in the nature of things, that they themselves can
possess.

The sovereign people never had a good head upon
their shoulders, said the citizen.

[figure description] Page 045.[end figure description]

You are an aristocrat, said the Captain. I shall
not go so far as that. The sovereign people act wisely,
they act madly, just like other people.

They might act wisely, said the citizen, were it
not for political divisions.

Political divisions will always exist, said the Captain.
It is inseparable from the nature of a community.
And it is not in the nature of things that the
power can be long on one side. The duration
depends upon the judgment of using it. The people
will revolt from themselves when they find they have
done wrong, and that side which was now the weakest
will become the strongest.

These are matters I do not much understand, said
the citizen. You have the advantage having seen
more.

I may have seen a little, said the Captain, but
I have thought more; and deduce my remarks from
the nature of man.

Accounts were received, and Teague himself occasionally
announced that he had succeeded in taking
up subscriptions for his commentaries. But it had
never occured to any one that the bog-trotter could
neither read nor write. But the difficulty now presenting
itself, a school-master offered his services to
be his amanuensis.

But amongst the advertisements on the tavern
and shop doors, the Captain observing one day a notice
of the want of a suitable person in the academy

[figure description] Page 046.[end figure description]

to instruct in the French language, he was led to reflect,
that after dictating his publication, Teague
would be out of employment, and that a vacancy of
this kind might tally with his faculties having been
in France, the very country where the language was
vernacularly spoken; that his attainments must be
much superior to those who had acquired the tongue
only from dead books, the ear not accustomed to the
sounds of familiar conversation.

Loosing no time he waited on the Principal of the
Academy, and gave him a minute account of the
pedesque, how he had followed him, been in France,
&c. &c. &c.

The Principal was astonished; but concealed his
surprize. He could easily comprehend the incompetency
of this man to teach the language in a school
of learning, where it is expected to be taught grammatically;
and the absurdity of taking his lingo, for
French, if he had the brogue in that pronunciation
as he had in English. But it might not be so easy a
matter to convince the Captain of this who appeared
to have an undue opinion of his acquirements.
Nevertheless he endeavoured to make himself intelligible
on this subject, by observing that there was a
wide difference between a public professor in a college,
and a private tutor who attends pupils occasionally:
that in a seminary of learning the rudiments
of a language were usually taught by rules; and it
was an object to understand the parts of speech into
which the tongue was divided; the use of the articles
if there were any; the inflexions of the cases, the
variations of the genders, the conjugations of the

[figure description] Page 047.[end figure description]

verbs; the concords of syntax; and after all this the
idiom, or peculiar phrase, and structure of the sentence:
that from what the Captain had informed him,
and what he himself had gleaned from others, of the
characteristics of this subordinate, the academy
was not his province, but the village. He might employ
his talents to advantage, instructing young gentlemen
and ladies in the knowledge of the French
tongue at their own houses; with a bare grammar,
and without a dictionary; or without a grammar;
and with the voice and diction only. For in fact it
was of little consequence how they were taught; for
they would learn nothing: and barbers, and tumblers
that had come in and undertaken to instruct; had
just done as well as wiser masters; for they had
amused their pupils; and amusement was all that
pupils would be willing to receive. The young gentlemen
of the village were above learning as soon as
they had got on a pair of pantaloons, and half-boots.
They were out of their education, and men before
their time. We had an election the other day; for
a Chief Burgess. It was a matter of astonishment
to those of the old school, to see a youth come forward,
born after his competitor had been ranked with
the sages of the village, and claim the suffrages of
the citizens. It had an unfavourable effect upon the
very dumb creation. It was not enough that the lads
under age, began to raise their voices, and vociferate;
but it seemed that the young of animals had gained
upon their growth, and were old before they had
attained maturity. The young dogs barked more.
Whether it was from an impression of the atmosphere;
or an imitation of the sounds of men.

[figure description] Page 048.[end figure description]

But this is digressing; your Paddy may suffice to
teach coxcombs that wish nothing old; that will be
satisfied with the name of learning French: enough
if they can get a word or two that sounds like French,
to throw out to a lady in a dance; as parlez vous madame;
or s'l vous plais.

It may be a digression, said the Captain; but it is
a profitable lesson. Do you conceive that the American
youth are two hastily manufactured, and come
forward too soon into life.

Unquestionably, said the Principal. Education
here is unnaturally hastened. Our minority is too
short to make a great man. We “over-step the
modesty of nature,” and suffer our young men to
come forward into councils that require the heads of
age. Hence our juvenile speeches in debates.
Hence the wild fire in our councils some time ago,
which burned down the administration to which it
was attached. But this is running into politics with
which I do not meddle. I come back to speak of your
man, the bog-trotter, I think he may teach French in
the village, but I cannot consent to his being employed
in the university.

The Captain was pleased with the Principal for
his frankness, and gave up the matter.