THE WAX WORKS.
In the city of —, resided once, a band of gay
spirits, who, though they differed from each other in
some respects, were all alike in this, that they were fond
of fun.
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Billy Grossly was an odd compound of grave and
humorous. He seldom projected a scheme of amusement;
but never failed to take part in it, when it was
set on foot by others. Why, it was not easy to tell; for,
if he enjoyed the most amusing pastime at all, his enjoyment
was all inward; for he rarely laughed, or gave
any other visible sign of lively pleasure.
Jack Clomes seemed to have been made for fun. It
was his meat and his drink: he could no more live
without it, than he could live without his ordinary diet.
Withal, Jack had a wonderful talent for manufacturing
food for his prevailing appetite. Indeed, his fault was,
that he never could be got to perform his part, in a humorous
exhibition, which required concert with others,
without digressing from the main plot, whenever he discovered
a fair opportunity of picking up a delicate morsel
of fun, precisely suited to his own palate.
James McLass, was fond of a harmless frolic, and
whenever he engaged in it, if by preconcert, he always
made it a point of honor to perform his part in strict
obedience to the original design.
These three, with six or eight others, whose dispositions
it is not necessary to mention, visited the village of—,
in order to attend the races, which were in
progress in the vicinity of that place.
Towards the close of the races, it was discovered that
the joint funds of the whole fraternity, were not sufficient
to discharge the tavern bills of any two of them.
What was to be done in this emergency. To have borrowed
would have been extremely mortifying, and perhaps
a little inconvenient—to have gone away without
paying their tavern bills, would have been contrary to
the first principles of Georgia honor. They were soon
relieved from their dilemma, by the ingenuity of Clomes.
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During the races, a “Down-easter” had been exhibiting
wax figures in the village; and concluding that the
profits of his business would end with the sports of the
turf, he had begun to pack up his portables, for removal
to a more eligible station.
Clomes now proposed, that his company should take
the places and parts of the retiring figures—or, to use his
own expression—“should play wax works,” until they
made enough to pay their bills. A single night, it was
thought, would suffice for this purpose.
The plan was no sooner proposed, than it was embraced
by all. The room and its furniture were engaged
for the evening; the parts were cast without difficulty;
and each went industriously to work, to fit himself for
the part he was to perform.
Billy Grossly, having the advantage of all the rest, in
height and abdominal rotundity, was by common consent
chosen as a proper representative of Daniel Lambert;
the prodigious Englishman, who weighed, if I
remember rightly, upwards of six hundred pounds. The
reader need hardly be told, that with all his advantages,
Billy required the aid of at least eight pillows, with
some extra chinking, as we say in Georgia, to give him
a bulk corresponding with this enormous weight: nor
need he be told, that divers of the most decent bags which
the village afforded, with a small sheet, were put in requisition,
to contain him and his adjuncts.
Freedom Lazenby, was the only one of the company
who could, with any propriety, personify the Sleeping
Beauty; and of course this part was assigned to him.
Freedom's figure was quite too gross for the beau ideal
of female symmetry; and his face, though fine for a
man, had rather too much compass to represent nature's
finest touches of female beauty. However, it was soon
perceived that a counterpane would hide the defects of
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the first, and a deep-frilled cap would reduce the last to
passable effeminacy. But there were two other difficulties,
which were not so easily removed. It is well
known, that the interest of the Sleeping Beauty is much
enlivened by an exposed bosom, by which reposes a
lovely infant. Even Clomes' ingenuity could not supply
these. A living child would not answer; for whether
taken to the arms of the Beauty asleep or awake, it
would be certain to give signs of life, before the exhibition
ended; and there was not even a tolerable manufacturer
of bosoms in the whole village. There was no
alternative; the interest of the spectators must yield to
the necessities of the performers: it was therefore determined
that the Beauty's bosom should share the fate of
her person, and be covered; that an infant should be
manufactured in the best possible style, out of rags; and
that the paint-brush should supply the place of wax, for
the face. As there were no Raphaels, Titians, Wests
or Debuffes, in the village, the little innocent did not
come from the hands of the artist, with the most perfect
face imaginable; but it was the best that could be
given to it, and if it wanted interest, that was not the
fault of the company.
To James McLass was assigned the part of Miss
Eliza Failes, the unfortunate girl who was murdered by
her unnatural lover, Jason Fairbanks; and Clomes took
the part of the murderer.
It was proposed to represent Miss Failes at that moment
when the blood was streaming from the lacerated
throat; but Jemmy refused to personify her in that condition,
and therefore they had to place him in another
part of the tragedy. That was selected, in which Fairbanks
has his victim by the hair with the left hand, the
knife upraised in the right, in the act of commencing his
work of butchery.
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The other figures, being merely distinguished personages,
were easily represented.
From some cause unknown, perhaps to invite visitors,
or merely because, perhaps, it was a matter that lay
fully within the range of the company's art, they resolved
to exhibit a corpse in the anti-chamber, gratis; and
Pleasant Halgroce, a jolly son of Bacchus, kindly offered
to play this part. Every child knows, that a plate
of burning spirits, with a little salt thrown into it, will
throw over the features of a living person, all the paleness
and ghastliness of death. This was the only device
used, to convert Pleasant's smerky red face into that of
a corpse.
All matters being now arranged, and the performers
having practised their parts in their new characters until
they ceased to be ridiculous; they all took their places
after an early supper.
Before the doors were opened to the principal exhibibition,
a little incident occurred in the anti-chamber,
which suddenly closed the entertainment in this quarter;
and had a material bearing upon that in the other.
Pleasant Halgroce had taken his position, and was
playing a corpse to the life, or rather to the death, a
number of persons gathered round him, with becoming
solemnity, when a dumb man, who was devotedly attached
to him joined the group. As soon as his eyes
fell upon the prostrate body of Pleasant, he burst into
the most piteous and unaffected wailing. Nothing could
restrain him from embracing his departed friend. He
approached him, and was in the act of bending over him,
to give him affection's fondest adieu, when a pretty stiff
breeze from Pleasant's lips, strengthened by previous
suppression, charged with the fumes of about a half pint
of brandy, saluted the face of the mourner. The transition
from grief to joy was instantaneous with the poor
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mute. He rose in transports—pointed to Pleasant's face,
then to his own, touched his nose, gave it a significant
curl, snuffed gently, and then clapping both hands to his
stomach, he commenced inhaling and respiring, with all
the tone and emphasis of a pair of blacksmith's bellows.
Pleasant, now perceiving that exposure was inevitable,
rose, and rushed upon the dumb man, with the fury of a
tiger. This sudden resuscitation of Pleasant, to life in
its most healthful action, was as alarming to the mute,
as his breathing had been joyous; and he fled, with
Pleasant at his heels, as though all the tenants of the
church yard had risen upon him at once.
Pleasant had only to resume his dress, and appear in
a natural light, to pass unknown by all but the initiated;
for aside from burning brandy, he was no more like a
corpse than a rose is like a lily.
Pleasant being now out of employment, determined
to take upon himself the part of historian to the wax
figures.
The door leading to the figures was no sooner opened,
than several persons entered, and viewed them with apparent
satisfaction. The spectators had increased to the
number of eight or ten, when a raw-boned, awkward,
gawky son of the forest, named Rory Brushwood, made
his appearance, paid his money, and entered. Pleasant,
of course, undertook to enrich his mind with historic
lore, while he feasted his eye upon the wonders of art.
“This,” said Pleasant, leading Rory up to the Sleeping
Beauty, “is the Sleeping Beauty: she's given up
on all hands to be the prettiest creature in the universal
world. Now, what would you give, my old Snort, to
have as pretty a wife and as pretty a baby as that?”
“Humph,” said Rory, “I don't think she's so d—n'd
pretty as she mout be: and as for the baby, it looks like
a screech-owl in petticoats.”
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“Monstrous pretty, monstrous pretty!” continued
Pleasant. “But come here”—hurrying Rory off, lest
his remarks should wake the Sleeping Beauty—“come
here, and I'll show you something that'll make your hair
rise like a fighting cat's.”
“There!” continued he, pointing to Billy Grossly,
“just take a squint at that fellow, will you: That's Daniel
Lambert: he was born in Nocatchey, and was raised
upon nothing but grass-nuts and sweet potatoes; and
just see what he's come to! He weighs nine hundred
and fifty, dead weight.”
“He's a whaler!” said Rory; “but his face is mighty
little, for his belly and legs.”
“Oh,” said Pleasant, “that's owing to the grass-nuts
and potatoes: you know they always puff up the lower
parts, mightily.”
Nobody but Billy could have withstood this lecture
upon himself, without a smile; but he passed it off admirably.
The critical time was now at hand. Pleasant and
Rory advanced in front of Miss Failes and Mr. Fairbanks,
where they found another visitor viewing the
interesting couple. Pleasant deemed it unadvisable to
continue his lectures in the presence of Clomes; and had
Clomes himself been equally prudent, things might all
have ended well: but he was not.
While the three gentlemen just named were gazing
on the figures before them, Jack took it into his
head to try a little experiment upon Miss Failes' muscles,
through the sensibilities of her head; accordingly
he tightened his grip suddenly upon her hair. This
brought from her a slight wince; but Jack did not perceive
it. Encouraged by her philosophy, he made a
second pull with all the strength that lay in the muscles
and sinews of his left hand.
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This brought a palpable grin from Miss Failes; and,
what was worse, in the zeal of his experiments upon
Jim's stoicism, Jack over-acted his own part a little.
“Gentlemen,” said Rory, in a tone of awful dignity
and self-satisfaction, as he turned gravely to the by-standers,
“gentlemen, its flesh and blood.”
“There,” said Pleasant, “that just proves what I've
said: that these are the best wax works that ever was
showed in all these parts. It's most impossible to tell
'em from live folks.”
“Gentlemen,” repeated Rory, with the same unruffled
composure, “its flesh and blood. If I did'nt see that
fellow wink, and that woman squinch her face, then
hell's a dancing room.”
“No matter for that,” said Pleasant, “they're nothin'
but wax for all that: and if you don't b'lieve me, just
feel that fellow's cheek.”
Rory raised his finger slowly, as if actually doubting
the evidence of his senses, and was just in the act of
touching Jack's cheek, when Jack snapped at his finger
like a shark, and caught it between his teeth with a
force most unreasonable for fun.”
The shock was so unexpected and severe, that it completely
unmanned Rory for the instant, and he sunk
powerless upon the floor. He soon rose, however, and
rose with Miss Failes' chair, which happened to be vacant
just at this moment; and then, (to use an expression
of one of the characters,) “if ever you saw wax works
cut dirt, they cut it then.”
Mr. Fairbanks was the first to make his escape;
but not without being nearly overtaken by the chair.
Miss Failes followed next—then General Washington
and other distinguished personages, whose attitudes prepared
them for running. The Sleeping Beauty being a
little incumbered with bed-clothes, was rather slow in
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retiring; she was enough in a hurry, however, to leave
her little infant in the middle of the floor, to Rory's care;
who, discovering its true character just as Daniel Lambert
was removing his feathers to another apartment, let
him have the baby, with all his force, between the shoulders.
As this was only rags against pillows, Daniel
escaped as free from injury as the rest of them.
Rory now became clamorous for his money; but the
door-keeper was not to be found; and indeed claimed,
and kept, for his services, all that was made; leaving
the performers to settle their bills as they could.
HALL.
Longstreet, Augustus Baldwin, 1790-1870 [1835], Georgia scenes, characters, incidents, &c., in the first half century of the republic (printed at the S. R. Sentinel Office, Augusta) [word count] [eaf262].
