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IT was somewhat late when the Captain arrived
at an inn this evening. There was there, before
him, a young clergyman, who had been preaching
that day to a neighbouring congregation; but
had not as usual, gone home with an elder; but had
come thus far on his way towards another place,
where he was to preach the next day.

The Captain entering into conversation with the
clergyman, sat up pretty late. The subject was
what might be expected; viz. the affairs of religion
and the church. The clergyman was a good young
man; but with a leaning fanaticism, and being righteous
over much: The Captain on the other hand,
somewhat sceptical in his notions of religion:
Hence, a considerable opposition of sentiment between
the two. But at length, drowziness seizing
both, candles were called for, and they went to bed.

It was about an hour or two after, when an uproar
was heard in a small chamber to the left of the
stair case which led to the floor on which they slept.
It was Teague, who had got to bed to the girl of the
house. For as they would neither let him go to
Congress, nor be a philosopher, he must be doing
something. The girl not being apprized, or not

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chusing his embraces, made a great outcry and lamentation.
The clergyman, who slept in an adjoining
chamber, and hearing this, out of the zeal
of his benevolence and humanity, leaped out of bed
in his shirt, and ran in, to see what was the cause of
the disturbance. The Captain also jumping up, followed
soon after, and was scarcely in the chamber,
before the landlord coming up with a candle, found
them all together.

The maid gave this account of the matter, viz.
That between sleeping and waking she felt a man's
hand lifting up the bed clothes; upon which she
called out murder. But whether it was any body
there present, or some one else, she could not tell.

Teague, whose natural parts were not bad, and
presence of mind considerable, instantly adopted
the expedient to throw the matter on the clergyman.
By shaint Patrick, said he, I was aslape in my own
bed, as sound as the shates that were about me,
when I heard the sound of this young crature's
voice crying out like a shape in a pasture; and when
after I had heard, aslape as I was, and come here, I
found this praste, who was so holy, and praching all
night, upon the top of the bed, with his arms round
this young crature's neck; and if I had not given
him a twitch by the nose, and bid him ly over, dear
honey, he would have ravished her virginity, and
murdered her, save her soul, and the paple of the
house not the wiser for it.

The clergyman stared with his mouth open; for
the palpable nature of the falsehood, had shocked
him beyond the power of speech.

But the landlady, who in the mean time had come
up, and had heard what Teague had said, was enraged,
and could supply speech for them both. Hey,
said she, this comes of your preaching and praying,

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Mr. Minister. I have lodged many a gentleman;
but have never had such doings here before. It is a
pretty story that a minister of the gospel should be
the first to bring a scandal upon the house.

The Captain interrupted her, and told her there
was no harm done. The maid was not actually ravished;
and if there was no noise made about it, all
matters might be set right.

The clergyman had by this time recovered himself
so much as to have the use of his tongue; and
began by protesting his innocence, and that it was no
more him that made the attack upon the maid, than
the angel Gabriel.

The Captain, interrupting him, and wishing to
save his feelings, began by excusing or extenuating
the offence. It is no great affair, said he, after all
that is said or done. The love of woman is a natural
sin, and the holiest men in all ages have been
propense to this indulgence. There was Abraham
that got to bed to his maid Hagar, and had a bastard
by her, whom he named Ishmael. Joshua, who
took Jericho by the sound of ram's horns, saved a
likely slut of the name of Rahab, under a pretence
that she had been civil to the spies he had sent out,
but in reality because he himself took a fancy for her.
I need say nothing about David, who wrote the
psalms, and set them to music; and yet in his old
days had a girl to sleep with him. Human nature is
human nature still; and it is not all the preaching
and praying on earth can extinguish it.

The clergyman averred his innocence, and that
it was that red-headed gentleman himself, meaning
Teague, who was in the room first, and had been
guilty of the outrage. Teague was beginning to
make the sign of the cross, and to put himself into
an attitude of swearing, when the Captain thinking

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it of no consequence who was the person, put an
end to the matter, by ordering Teague to bed, and
himself bidding the company good night.

The clergyman finding no better could be made
of it, took the advice of the landlord, and retired
also. The landlady seemed disposed to hush the
matter up, and the maid went to sleep as usual.

It is not the nature of the female tongue to be silent.
The landlady, the next day, could not avoid
informing her gossips, and even some of her guests,
of what had happened the preceding evening in her
house. The report, so unfavourable to the clergyman,
had therefore got out; and coming to the ears
of the consistory, was the occasion of calling him before
them, to answer to the accusation. The clergyman
much alarmed, though conscious of innocence,
bethought himself of applying to the Captain,
to extort from his waiting-man a confession of
the truth, and relieve his character. Accordingly,
having set out on a bay horse that he had, he found
the Captain, and addressed him in the following
manner:

Captain, said he, the affair of that night at the
tavern, is like to be of serious consequence to me.
For though I am as innocent as the child unborn,
yet the presumption is against me, and I am likely
to fall under church censure. It may be sport to
you, but it is a matter of moment to me. Now, as
sure as God is in heaven, I am innocent; and it must
have been the devil, or that red headed Irishman of
yours, that made the disturbance.

The Captain gave him the comfort of assuring
him that he might make himself easy; for be the
matter as it might, he would take care that Teague
should assume it, and bear the blame. The clergyman
thanked him, declaring at the same time,

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that he would not forget him in his prayers, Sunday
or Saturday, while he had an hour to live. The
Captain, not so much from any mercenary motive
of benefit, by his spiritual solicitations, as from a real
love of humanity and justice, had determined to do
him essential service in this affair. Accordingly,
when the clergyman had retired, calling Teague before
him, he began in this manner: Teague, said
he, from what I know of your disposition, I have no
more doubt than I have of my existence, that it was
yourself who made that uproar with the girl at the
tavern where we lodged; though I could not but
give you credit for your presence of mind in throwing
it upon the clergyman. But whether the matter
lies with you or him, is of no consequence. You
can take it upon you, and lay up treasure in heaven.
It will be doing a good work; and these people, you
may be assured, have a considerable influence in the
other world. This clergyman can speak a good
word for you when you come there, and let you into
half the benefit of all the prayers he has said on
earth. It will be no harm to you, for your character
in this respect is as bad as it can well be.

Teague said he did not care much; but thought
the priest ought to pay a little smart money; for it
was a thankless matter to do these things for nothing.
Said the Captain, these people are not the
most plenty of money; but I will advance half a
crown towards the accommodation. Teague was
satisfied, and ready to acknowledge whatever was
demanded of him.

Accordingly, having come before the presbytery
on the day appointed for the trial, Teague made
confession of the truth, viz. That being in the kitchen
with the girl, and observing her to be a good
looking hussy........

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But suppose we give the speech in his own dialect:...
Master prastes, said he, I persave you are
all prastes of the gosple, and can prach as asily as
I can take a chaw of tobacco. Now de trut of de
story is dis; I was slaping in my bed, and I tought
vid myself it was a shame amongst christian paple
that a young crature should slape by herself, and
have no one to take care of her. So I tought vid myself,
to go and slape vid her. But as she was aslape,
she made exclamation, and dis praste that is here
before you, came in to save her shoul from the devil;
and as the Captain my master, might take offence,
and the devil, I am shartain that it was no
better person, put it into my head to lay it on the
praste. This is the trut master prastes, as I hope
for shalvation in the kingdom of purgatory, shentlemen.

On this confession, the clergyman was absolved,
to the great joy of the presbytery, who considered
it as a particular providence that the truth was
brought to light.

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