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MEANING to remain some time in a certain
town to which he came, the Captain had his horse
put out to pasture, and took private lodgings. The
first day at dinner, he was struck with the appearance
of a young man who sat at table, but could not
be said to dine with them; for except a little water
and a bit of bread, he ate or drank nothing; and
though sometimes addressed, he made no answer.
There was a settled melancholy in his countenance,
and he often sighed deeply. He had been in this
house six weeks, and had behaved uniformly in the
same manner. In the evening he would walk by
himself till midnight. Whence he came, or what
was his object, no one knew. He had bespoke a
back room, and wished to have one where there was
but little light; also, that a little water, and a bit of
bread might be sent when he should require it. The
landlady not chusing to have a person in the house
who was unwilling to be seen, declined the circumstance
of sending in provisions to his room; but
thought it proper he should come to table. He did
so; but entered into no conversation, though much
pains was taken to engage him. He had paid his
boarding regularly, and did not seem to be in want

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of money. This was the account given by the family,
when the young man retired from dinner.

The Captain's curiosity was much excited; for
being a philanthropic man, he found himself interested
in the history of this person. Taking an opportunity
that very evening, when the young man
was walking in the back porch, he joined him, and
with the bluntness of a plain man, accosted him....
Sir, said he, it is from no motive of vain curiosity,
that I thus address you. It is from a disposition to
know and alleviate your griefs. For it is evident to
me that something hangs heavy on your mind. I
am a man, as you see, advanced in life, and have
had some experience. It is possible it may be in
my power to say or do something that may serve
you; at least it is my disposition to soothe your melancholy.
If it should be an unfortunate murder,
the guilt of which lies upon your mind, you will find
no accuser in me; I shall preserve a secret obtained
in this manner. Probably it may have been a duel,
and with such alleviating circumstances, that though
the law would take hold of it, humanity will excuse.

The young man finding the charge of murder, or
suspicion of it, ready to be fixed upon him, spoke.
Said he, I am no murderer, but a murdered man
myself. I am in love with a young woman of the
most celestial beauty, but of a cruel heart.

The beauty may be more in your brain than in
her face, said the Captain; for, as the poet says,


“The Lunatic, the Lover, and the Poet,
“Are of imagination all compact;
“One sees more devils than vast hell can hold;
“That is the madman: The other, all as frantic,
“Sees Helen's beauty in a brow of Egypt.”

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I am not unacquainted with the nature of this passion;
and have seen a gypsey myself, in my time,
that has had dominion over me. Perhaps I may
have been carried to as much extravagance as other
people; and therefore am a proper person to advise
against it. A principal source of my extravagance,
was an opinion that the jade who had hold of my affections
at the time, would pity me when she heard
of the pain which her beauty gave me; that she
would be afraid I would hang myself for her sake;
that she would come to sooth and caress me, in order
to prevent it. Far from it. My uneasiness was
the proof of her power to wound; and the more distress
I felt, the greater credit to her beauty. She
would not have lost a sigh which she caused me for
any consideration. My lamentations were as agreeable
to her, as the groans of the damned are to the
devil. And so it must be with every woman; because
self love induces it. Hanging is the last thing
they would be at. If they could get the lover bro't
to this, they are then at the height of fame. It falls
but to the lot of one here and there to have a man
drown himself for her; and when it does happen, it
makes such a noise that all covet it.

I would venture to say, that this female whom
you fast and pray about so much, would be very
unwilling to breathe the soul into you, were it once
out. Instead of fasting, she is eating; and while
you sigh in the night, she snores.

You have an idea, perhaps, that you may bend
her by your perseverance. That is a mistake. A
man that once comes to this state of sighing, and
dying, has but little chance; because he has surrendered
himself; and there is nothing more to be won.
Were there any possibility of succeeding, it would
be by first conquering yourself; dismissing all idea

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of her partiality for you; for it is owing to this secret
vanity, and self flattery, that you still pursue.
Absolute despair is the first step towards the cure
of love. It is either drowning or curing, with you
at present. As you have not drowned yourself, you
are in a fair way to be cured.

I know very well how you missed the matter with
this hussy. You appear to be a young man of great
sensibility of feeling; and I presume made your addresses
with great refinement of thought and manners.
You talked to her of flames and darts, and
flowers and roses; read poetry in the mean time,
and thought a great deal of Phillis, and Amaryllis;
and entertained her with names and incidents in romances,
and sung and recited soft love songs of
Amanda, and Phebe, and Colin; whereas your way
was to have talked careless nonsense, and sung such
songs as Pady Kelly, and Tristram Shandy-O; and
told her stories of girls that had ran off with pedlars,
or gone a campaigning with the soldiers. These
ideas are light and frolicsome, and co-natural to
springing love. Hence it is that men of but loose
and irregular education, succeed better with the fair
than scholars that are learned in the classics.

But to bring the matter to a point, the true way
is to get another mistress; and profit by your experience
with the first. No more of sighing and dying
in the case; but singing, and laughing, and
jumping like a young fox. Hint a little with respect
to certain matters that are between the sexes; but
let it be done in so delicate a manner, that, though
she understands you, she is not obliged to do it.
What I mean, is to make her think you would rather
debauch her than marry her. Bring her to
this suspicion, and I warrant you. Her whole study

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will be to entrap you into matrimony. For it is natural
for the human mind, when it observes a great
security and confidence in another, to imagine there
must be some ground for it. It will argue a consciousness,
on your part, of having a good or better in
yourpower. It will impress her with the same idea;
and imagination governs the world.

When the mind is bent upon any object, it is relieved
by the conversation of these who understand
it; and, as it were, dissolve with them in the same
ideas. The young man was pleased with the conversation
of the Captain, and seemed cheered; agreed
to join the family, and be sociable. By degrees he
became so; and what by the conversation of the
Captain, sometimes explaining and sometimes ridiculing
the passion of love; and the young ladies of
the family, in the mean time, rallying him on his
weakness, he came a little to his senses, (for love is a
phrenzy), and began to behave like a common man.
For it having come out now, that love was the cause
of his distress and singularity of conduct, some pitied
him, and others rallied it with good humour and
philanthrophy. It had, however, become the general
topic in the family, and was carried down to the
kitchen among the servants.

Teague hearing of it, took it into his head that he
must be in love too; and counterfeiting a demure
look, and absence of mind, and walking by himself,
and living on spare diet, as he had heard the young
man that was in love did, he wished to have it understood
that his mind was under the dominion of the
same passion. This being observed, was represented
to the Captain; who being at a loss to know what
was the matter, called Teague, and began to interrogate
him. The bog-trotter, with some seeming reluctance,
acknowledged that it was love. You in

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love, said the Captain, you great bear; with whom
are you in love? That dear cratur, said the Irishman,
that has the black hair, and the fair face, and her
name is Mrs. Sally, in the house there. She is a
fair as the wool or the snow, and gives me the cholic,
and the heart-burn, every time I look at her fair
eyes; God save her soul from damnation, but I love
her as I do the very food that I ate, or the clothes
that I ware upon my back.

It appeared to be Miss Sally, a very pretty girl,
the eldest daughter of the landlady; who, by the bye,
I mean the ladlady, was a widow, and had two daughters
and a niece with her; the handsomest of whom
was this Miss Sally, with whom Teague had become
enamoured. For simple and ignorant nature
will fasten on beauty, as well as the most instructed
in the principles of taste.

The Captain having been a good deal troubled,
heretofore, with the pretensions of this valet, in
wishing to be a member of the legislature, a philosopher,
a preacher, and now a lover, thought he had
now a good opportunity of repressing his presumption
for the future. There was a young man, a brother
in the family, who had been some time in the service,
as a lieutenant, and had leave of absence at
this time, on a visit to his mother and sisters. The
Captain well knew, that being in the pride and heat
of youth, he would consider Teague's advances to
his sister as an insult on the family, and chastise him
accordingly, With this view, counterfeiting every
possible disposition to serve the bog-trotter, the Captain
recommended to him to make a confident of the
brother, and endeavour to gain his interest with the
sister.

Accordingly, one morning when the officer was
in his chamber, Teague made his approach; and

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composing his woe-begone countenance as well as
he could, and explaining the cause of it, solicited his
interest with the lady.

There was a whip in a corner of the room, with
which the lieutenant had been riding; seizing this
hastily, he made an attack upon the person of the
lover, in a manner far beyond what was decent or
moderate. The valet retreating with considerable
outcries, made complaint to the Captain; who gave
him to understand, that as this outrage was committed
by his intended brother-in-law, it must be considered
in the nature of a family quarrel, and he
could not interfere.

The advances of Teague became the subject of
conversation in the family, and of much mirth and
laughter. The young man who had been in the
state of melancholy before described, and had been
cheered a little, was now in a great degree cured by
the imitation of the valet. For ridicule is more a
cure for love than reason. It is better to make the
patient laugh than think.

Having now a disposition to pursue his travels,
the Captain sent for his horse, and set out.

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