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DELAYING some time in a village, there
was a great deal said about a certain Miss Vapour,
who was the belle of the place. Her father had
made a fortune by the purchase of public securities.
A garrison having been at this place, and troops
quartered here he had been employed as an issuing
commissary! When the commissioners sat to adjust
unliquidated claims, he had a good deal in his power
by vouching for the accounts of the butcher and
baker and wood-cutter and water-drawer and waggoner,
and others of all occupations whatsoever,
whose claims were purchased by himself in the
mean time and when the certificates issued in their
names, they were to his use. The butcher and baker,
no doubt, long before had been paid out of the flesh
killed, or bread baked; because it is a good maxim,
and a scriptural expression, “Muzzle not the ox
that treadeth out the corn.” But the public has a
broad back, and a little vouching, by a person interested,
is not greatly felt. These certificates, though
at first of little value, and issued by the commissioners
with the liberality of those who give what is of
little worth, yet by the funding acts of the government,
having become, in value, equal to gold and

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silver, the commissary had a great estate thrown
upon him; so that, from low beginnings, he had become
a man of fortune and consequence. His family,
and especially the eldest daughter, shared the
advantage; for she had become the object of almost
all wooers. The Captain, though an old batchelor,
as we have said, had not wholly lost the idea of matrimony.
Happening to be in a circle, one evening,
where Miss Vapour was, he took a liking to her, in
all respects save one, which was, that she seemed,
on her part, to have taken a liking to a certain Mr.
Jacko who was there present; and to whose attention
she discovered a facility of acquiescence. The Captain
behaved, for the present, as if he did not observe
the preference; but the following day, waiting on the
young lady at her father's house, he drew her into
conversation, and began to reason with her in the
following manner:

Miss Vapour, said he, you are a young lady of
great beauty, great sense, and fortune still greater
than either....This was a sad blunder in a man of
gallantry, but the lady not being of the greatest sensibility
of nerve, did not perceive it.....On my part,
said he, I am a man of years, but a man of some reflection;
and it would be much more adviseable in
you to trust my experience, and the mellowness of
my disposition in a state of matrimony, than the
vanity and petulence of this young fop Jacko, for
whom you shew a partiality. The colour coming
into the young lady's face at this expression, she
withdrew, and left him by himself. The Captain.
struck with the rudeness, withdrew also, and, calling
Teague from the kitchen, mounted his horse and set
off.

The next morning shortly after he had got out of
bed, and had just come down stairs at his lodging,

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and was buttoning the knees of his breeches, a light
airy looking young man, with much bowing and civility,
entered the hall of the public house, and enquiring
if this was not Captain Farrago to whom he
had the honour to address himself, and delivered him
a paper. On the perusal, it was found to be a challenge
from Mr. Jacko.

The fact was, that Miss Vapour, in order the more
to recommend herself to her suitor, had informed
him of the language of the Captain. The young
man, though he had no great stomach for the matter,
yet according to the custom of these times, could
do no less than challenge. The bearer was what is
called his second.

The Captain having read the paper, and pausing
a while, said, Mr. Second, for that I take to be your
stile and character, is it consistent with reason or
common sense, to be the aider or abettor of another
man's folly; perhaps the prompter: for it is no uncommon
thing with persons to inflame the passions
of their friends, rather than allay them. This young
woman, for I shall not call her lady, from vanity, or
ill-nature, or both, has become a tale-bearer to her
lover, who, I will venture to say, thanks her but little
for it; as she has thereby rendered it necessary
for him to take this step. You, in the mean time,
are not blameless, as it became you to have declined
the office, and thereby furnished an excuse to your
friend for not complying with the custom. For it
would have been a sufficient apology with the lady to
have said, although he was disposed to fight, yet he
could get no one to be his armour-bearer or assistant.
It could have been put upon the footing, that all had
such regard for his life, that no one would countenance
him in risking it. You would have saved him
by this means, all that uneasiness which he feels at

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present, least I should accept his challenge. I am
not so unacquainted with human nature, as not to
know how disagreeable it must be to think of having
a pistol ball lodged in the groin or the left breast, or,
to make the best of it, the pan of the knee broke, or
the nose cut off, or some wound less than mortal
given; disagreeable, especially to a man in the bloom
of life, and on the point of marriage with a woman
to whose person or fortune he has no exception. I
would venture to say. therefore, there will be no
great difficulty in appeasing this Orlando Furioso,
that has sent me the challenge. Did you know the
state of his mind, you would find it to be his wish at
this moment, that I would ease his fears, and make
some apology. A very slight one would suffice. I
dare say, his resentment against Miss Vapour is not
slight, and that he would renounce her person and
fortune both, to get quit of the duel. But the opinion
of the world is against him, and he must fight.
Do you think he has any great gratitude to you for
your services on this occasion. He had much rather
you had, in the freedom of friendship, given him a
kick on the backside, when he made application to
you; and told him, that it did not become him to
quarrel about a woman, who had probably, consulted
but her own vanity, in giving him the information.
In that case, he would have been more pleased with
you a month hence, than he is at present. I do not
know that he has an overstock of sense; nevertheless,
he cannot be just such a fool, as not to consider,
that you, yourself, may have pretensions to this belle,
and be disposed to have him out of the way before
you. He must be a fool, indeed if he does not reflect,
that you had much rather see us fight than not;
from the very same principle that we take delight in
seeing a cock-match, or a horse-race. The

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spectacle is new, and produces a brisk current of thought
through the mind; which is a constituent of pleasure,
the absence of all movement giving none at all.

What do you suppose I must think of you, Mr.
Second; I, who have read books, and thought a little
on the subject; have made up my mind in these
matters, and account the squires that bring challenges
from knights, as people of but very small
desert. Thinking men have condemned the duel,
and laws have prohibited it; but these miscreants
still keep it up, by being the conductors of the fluid.
My indignation, therefore, falls on such, and I have
long ago fixed on the mode of treating them. It is
this: a stout athletic man calls upon me, with a
challenge in his hand, I knock him down, if I can,
without saying a word. If the natural arm be not
sufficient for this purpose, I avail myself of any stone,
wooden, or iron instrument that I cast my eye upon,
not just to take away his life, if I can help it; but to
hit the line as exactly as possible, between actual
homicide, and a very bad wound. For in this case, I
should conceive, a battery would be justifiable, or at
least excuseable, and the fine not great; the bearing
a challenge being a breach of the peace, in the first
instance. This would be my conduct with a stout
athletic man, whom I might think it dangerous to
encounter with fair warning, and on equal terms.
But in the present case, where.......(Here the second
began to shew signs of fear, raising himself, and inclining
backwards, opening his eyes wider, and casting
a look towards the door)....where, continued the
Captain, I have to do with a person of your slender
make, I do not adopt that surprise, or use an artificial
weapon; but with these fists, which have been used
in early life to agricultural employments, I shall very
deliberately impress a blow. The second rising to

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his feet, began to recede a little. Be under no apprehensions,
said the Captain; I shall use no unfair
method of biting, gouging, or wounding the private
parts. Nay, as you appear to be a young man of
a deliicate constitution, I shall only choak a little.....
You will give me leave to take you by the throat in
as easy a manner as possible.

In the mean time, the second had been withdrawing
towards the door, and the Captain with outstretched
arms, in a sideway direction, proceeding to intercept
him. In an instant, he was seized by the neck,
and the exclamation of murder which he made at
the first grasp, began to die away in hoarse guttural
murmurs of one nearly strangled, and labouring for
breath. The Captain meaning that he should be more
alarmed than hurt, dismissed him with a salutation
of his foot on the backside, as a claude ostium, as he
went out. You may be, said he, a gentleman in the
opinion of the world; but you are a low person in
mine; and so shall it be done to every one who shall
come upon such an errand.

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