CHAPTER X.
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THE Presbytery sat a day or two at this
place, on church affairs, and the Captain remaining
with them, lodged at the same house; Teague, in the
mean time, having an opportunity of ingratiating
himself with the clergymen, by rubing down their
horses, and other menial services. For it is the national
character of the aboriginal Irish, to give fair
words; and Teague was not deficient in this address.
What with master Prasting, and giving a great deal
of what is called blarney, he insinuated himself into
their good graces; and by affecting, now and then,
to be seen at prayers by himself, and to have a sorrowful
countenance, he induced them to believe that
he was in the first stage of conviction, and likely to
become a pious man. Having made this progress in
their good opinion, he ventured to suggest what was
the ultimate object of his ambition, viz. the being a
candidate for holy orders. The Presbytery, to whom
the matter was represented by the individuals more
particularly acquainted with him, thought favourably
of the proposition. For though his common attainments
might not be great, yet if the grace of God
had wrought upon him, he might become a valuable
man.
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The Captain having got a hint of this, took the
first opportunity of addressing the Presbytery. Gentlemen,
said he, you are deceived in this ragamuffin.
For, notwithstanding all the pretensions he may lately
have to religion, you may be well assured that it
is all hypocrisy, and that he has no more religion
than my horse.
The Presbytery suspecting the Captain to be a carnal
man, and regardless of the ministry, gave little
heed to what he said, and seemed disposed to take
Teague upon trials.
The Captain finding the case to stand thus, and
that in spite of all he could do, he was likely to lose
his servant, took his usual method of addressing the
hopes and fears of Teague himself.
Taking him aside, he began, with all possible art,
to impress such fears and apprehensions, as the nature
of the case suggested. Teague, said he, do you
know what you are about? You have got into your
vagaries once more. You want to preach, do you?
Are yon apprised of the difficulty of this work? The
first thing you will have to do, is to take a text; and
when that is done, you have to split it into parts....
There are what are called heads; and these you must
divide into firstlys, and secondlys, and thirdlys, and
fourthlys, and so on, till you come to twentiethlys,
perhaps. Are you furnished with a concordance? or
do you know what a concordance is? Can you find a
text to suit your purpose when you want it? Can you
explain the scriptures; the meaning of Daniel's ram
and the he-goat, or the seven trumpets in the Revelations?
You are mistaken if you think your Irish
will pass for Hebrew.
You think it a great honour to preach, do you? It
was an honour once; but the thing is now become
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so common, that it is of little consequence to preach
or not.
But do you know how it will behove you to conduct
yourself, if you take this office upon you. You
will have to compose the muscles of your face to
greater seriousness than your disposition can afford.
You must quit whoring. How will you like that,
Teague. It would look very ill after sermon to be
catched in bed with a girl at a tavern.
But do you know why these men are so anxious to
have you of their mess? The truth of the matter is,
they carry on a war with the devil, and they wish to
recruit you for the service. Do they give you any
bounty-money. I am afraid, there will be but little
of this going. Take my advice then, and let them
settle their own quarrels. It is a silly thing to be
drawn into a party, when there is but little to be got
by it: Nay worse than little: For it will be all on the
other side. Think you the devil will forget the mischief
you do him in this world, and not resent it
when he comes across you in a future state? When
you are preaching and praying do you think he will
not hear all that you throw out against him. You
may rely upon it, there will be enough to give him
information; and as a story never loses in the telling,
it is ten to one they will make the matter worse
than it was. Take my advice, therefore, and make
no enemies while you can help it. Steer through
life as smoothly as possible. Keep a good tongue
in your mouth, and let those who chuse to dispute
with Belzebub, dispute. I never knew any good
come of broils and quarrels, especially with low
characters. And, to say the truth of it, this Satan,
as they call him, is but a low fellow. Even where
he is well disposed, he will do but little good to one;
but a most dangerous creature where he takes a
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dislike. When you go to hell, as one day you must,
you can expect but little quarter, after abusing him
in this world. He will make you squeel like a pig;
take you by the throat, and kick you like a cat. His
very scullions will piss upon you, and give you no
better life than a dog among their feet; while these
very clergymen, that put you forward to blackguard
for them, will stand by laughing in their sleeves that
you could be such a fool.
The representation had the desired effect upon
Teague, and he thought no more of the matter.
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Brackenridge, H. H. (Hugh Henry), 1748-1816 [1804], Modern chivalry. Containing the adventures of a captain and Teague O'Regan, his servant, Volume 1 (John Conrad & Co., Philadelphia) [word count] [eaf021v1].
