I AM very happy in the composition of this
work; for though but of a trifling nature as to sentiment;
yet, in what I do write, no one can attribute
to me the least tincture of satire, or ridicule of individuals
or public bodies. This is what I very much
dislike in others, and would be far from indulging in
myself. I acknowledge, that in my earlier years,
and in the course of my academical studies, I had
contracted some taste, and even habit, this way;
owing to my reading the dialogues of Lucian, in the
original Greek. Had I read them in a translation,
they might have made less impression. But by
means of a difficult language, studying them slowly,
the turn of thought became more deeply impressed
upon my mind. Moreover, afterwards, when I came
to have some acquaintance with the modern wits,

[figure description] Page 051.[end figure description]

such as Cervantes, Le Sage, and especially Swift, I
found myself still more inclined to an ironical, and
ludicrous way of thinking and writing. But finding
the bad effects of this in many respects, leading me
into broils with individuals, and rendering me obnoxious
to public bodies, I saw the indiscretion and bad
policy of such indulgence; and have for several years
past, carefully avoided every thing of this kind. It
is indeed acting but a poor part in life to make a
business of laughing at the follies of others. It is
injurious to one's self; for there is a great deal more
to be gained by soothing and praising what men do,
than by finding fault with them. It may be said of
satire, what was said of anger by some philosopher,
It never pays the service it requires. It is your
scratching, rump-tickling people that get into place
and power. I never knew any good come of wit and
humour yet. They are talents which keep the owner
down. For this reason, I have taken care to repress
all propensity to this vice; and I believe I can say it
with truth, that since I have come to the years of a
man's understanding, I have carefully avoided every
thing of this nature. Had it not been for this prudence,
I should not have been in a fair way, as I
now am, to be a member of congress, or a judge on
the bench, or governor of a commonwealth, or secretary
of state, or any thing that I may have in view.
Had I remained an admirer of Rabelais, or Sterne,
or other biting, jeering writers, that I at first met
with, I might at this day have been considered as a
wit only, without the least advancement in state affairs.
But I would sooner see your Juniuses, and
your Peter Pindars, libelling kings and ministers, at
hell, than sacrifice my interest to my passion, or my
vanity, by strokes of wit, which is but another name
for ill-nature.

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In this treatise, which is simply a relation of the
adventures of an individual, I have nothing to do with
strictures upon particular persons, or the affairs of
men in general, and so have no temptation to the
folly I have just mentioned. The reader, if any
body ever reads it, will find nothing here but philanthropic
and benevolent ideas.

Indeed, as it has been known that I was engaged
in writing something, persons who either took, or
pretended to take, some interest in my affairs, have
urged me very much to depart a little from my
usual way, and make use of a little irony, by way of
seasoning to the composition; for, in this case, it
would be received better, and procure more readers;
mankind being naturally delighted with ridicule....
But the truth was, I could see nothing to be ironical
about; owing, perhaps, to my not being in the habit
of looking for the ridiculous, and so having lost the
talent of discovering it. But my resolution that I
had taken would have fully preserved me from such
a lapse, however numerous the objects of ridicule
might be, that presented themselves. This will
serve as an apology to those who have solicited me
on this head, and relieve me from such solicitations
for the future.

CHAPTER. II.

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DELAYING some time in a village, there
was a great deal said about a certain Miss Vapour,
who was the belle of the place. Her father had
made a fortune by the purchase of public securities.
A garrison having been at this place, and troops
quartered here he had been employed as an issuing
commissary! When the commissioners sat to adjust
unliquidated claims, he had a good deal in his power
by vouching for the accounts of the butcher and
baker and wood-cutter and water-drawer and waggoner,
and others of all occupations whatsoever,
whose claims were purchased by himself in the
mean time and when the certificates issued in their
names, they were to his use. The butcher and baker,
no doubt, long before had been paid out of the flesh
killed, or bread baked; because it is a good maxim,
and a scriptural expression, “Muzzle not the ox
that treadeth out the corn.” But the public has a
broad back, and a little vouching, by a person interested,
is not greatly felt. These certificates, though
at first of little value, and issued by the commissioners
with the liberality of those who give what is of
little worth, yet by the funding acts of the government,
having become, in value, equal to gold and

[figure description] Page 054.[end figure description]

silver, the commissary had a great estate thrown
upon him; so that, from low beginnings, he had become
a man of fortune and consequence. His family,
and especially the eldest daughter, shared the
advantage; for she had become the object of almost
all wooers. The Captain, though an old batchelor,
as we have said, had not wholly lost the idea of matrimony.
Happening to be in a circle, one evening,
where Miss Vapour was, he took a liking to her, in
all respects save one, which was, that she seemed,
on her part, to have taken a liking to a certain Mr.
Jacko who was there present; and to whose attention
she discovered a facility of acquiescence. The Captain
behaved, for the present, as if he did not observe
the preference; but the following day, waiting on the
young lady at her father's house, he drew her into
conversation, and began to reason with her in the
following manner:

Miss Vapour, said he, you are a young lady of
great beauty, great sense, and fortune still greater
than either....This was a sad blunder in a man of
gallantry, but the lady not being of the greatest sensibility
of nerve, did not perceive it.....On my part,
said he, I am a man of years, but a man of some reflection;
and it would be much more adviseable in
you to trust my experience, and the mellowness of
my disposition in a state of matrimony, than the
vanity and petulence of this young fop Jacko, for
whom you shew a partiality. The colour coming
into the young lady's face at this expression, she
withdrew, and left him by himself. The Captain.
struck with the rudeness, withdrew also, and, calling
Teague from the kitchen, mounted his horse and set
off.

The next morning shortly after he had got out of
bed, and had just come down stairs at his lodging,

[figure description] Page 055.[end figure description]

and was buttoning the knees of his breeches, a light
airy looking young man, with much bowing and civility,
entered the hall of the public house, and enquiring
if this was not Captain Farrago to whom he
had the honour to address himself, and delivered him
a paper. On the perusal, it was found to be a challenge
from Mr. Jacko.

The fact was, that Miss Vapour, in order the more
to recommend herself to her suitor, had informed
him of the language of the Captain. The young
man, though he had no great stomach for the matter,
yet according to the custom of these times, could
do no less than challenge. The bearer was what is
called his second.

The Captain having read the paper, and pausing
a while, said, Mr. Second, for that I take to be your
stile and character, is it consistent with reason or
common sense, to be the aider or abettor of another
man's folly; perhaps the prompter: for it is no uncommon
thing with persons to inflame the passions
of their friends, rather than allay them. This young
woman, for I shall not call her lady, from vanity, or
ill-nature, or both, has become a tale-bearer to her
lover, who, I will venture to say, thanks her but little
for it; as she has thereby rendered it necessary
for him to take this step. You, in the mean time,
are not blameless, as it became you to have declined
the office, and thereby furnished an excuse to your
friend for not complying with the custom. For it
would have been a sufficient apology with the lady to
have said, although he was disposed to fight, yet he
could get no one to be his armour-bearer or assistant.
It could have been put upon the footing, that all had
such regard for his life, that no one would countenance
him in risking it. You would have saved him
by this means, all that uneasiness which he feels at

[figure description] Page 056.[end figure description]

present, least I should accept his challenge. I am
not so unacquainted with human nature, as not to
know how disagreeable it must be to think of having
a pistol ball lodged in the groin or the left breast, or,
to make the best of it, the pan of the knee broke, or
the nose cut off, or some wound less than mortal
given; disagreeable, especially to a man in the bloom
of life, and on the point of marriage with a woman
to whose person or fortune he has no exception. I
would venture to say. therefore, there will be no
great difficulty in appeasing this Orlando Furioso,
that has sent me the challenge. Did you know the
state of his mind, you would find it to be his wish at
this moment, that I would ease his fears, and make
some apology. A very slight one would suffice. I
dare say, his resentment against Miss Vapour is not
slight, and that he would renounce her person and
fortune both, to get quit of the duel. But the opinion
of the world is against him, and he must fight.
Do you think he has any great gratitude to you for
your services on this occasion. He had much rather
you had, in the freedom of friendship, given him a
kick on the backside, when he made application to
you; and told him, that it did not become him to
quarrel about a woman, who had probably, consulted
but her own vanity, in giving him the information.
In that case, he would have been more pleased with
you a month hence, than he is at present. I do not
know that he has an overstock of sense; nevertheless,
he cannot be just such a fool, as not to consider,
that you, yourself, may have pretensions to this belle,
and be disposed to have him out of the way before
you. He must be a fool, indeed if he does not reflect,
that you had much rather see us fight than not;
from the very same principle that we take delight in
seeing a cock-match, or a horse-race. The

[figure description] Page 057.[end figure description]

spectacle is new, and produces a brisk current of thought
through the mind; which is a constituent of pleasure,
the absence of all movement giving none at all.

What do you suppose I must think of you, Mr.
Second; I, who have read books, and thought a little
on the subject; have made up my mind in these
matters, and account the squires that bring challenges
from knights, as people of but very small
desert. Thinking men have condemned the duel,
and laws have prohibited it; but these miscreants
still keep it up, by being the conductors of the fluid.
My indignation, therefore, falls on such, and I have
long ago fixed on the mode of treating them. It is
this: a stout athletic man calls upon me, with a
challenge in his hand, I knock him down, if I can,
without saying a word. If the natural arm be not
sufficient for this purpose, I avail myself of any stone,
wooden, or iron instrument that I cast my eye upon,
not just to take away his life, if I can help it; but to
hit the line as exactly as possible, between actual
homicide, and a very bad wound. For in this case, I
should conceive, a battery would be justifiable, or at
least excuseable, and the fine not great; the bearing
a challenge being a breach of the peace, in the first
instance. This would be my conduct with a stout
athletic man, whom I might think it dangerous to
encounter with fair warning, and on equal terms.
But in the present case, where.......(Here the second
began to shew signs of fear, raising himself, and inclining
backwards, opening his eyes wider, and casting
a look towards the door)....where, continued the
Captain, I have to do with a person of your slender
make, I do not adopt that surprise, or use an artificial
weapon; but with these fists, which have been used
in early life to agricultural employments, I shall very
deliberately impress a blow. The second rising to

[figure description] Page 058.[end figure description]

his feet, began to recede a little. Be under no apprehensions,
said the Captain; I shall use no unfair
method of biting, gouging, or wounding the private
parts. Nay, as you appear to be a young man of
a deliicate constitution, I shall only choak a little.....
You will give me leave to take you by the throat in
as easy a manner as possible.

In the mean time, the second had been withdrawing
towards the door, and the Captain with outstretched
arms, in a sideway direction, proceeding to intercept
him. In an instant, he was seized by the neck,
and the exclamation of murder which he made at
the first grasp, began to die away in hoarse guttural
murmurs of one nearly strangled, and labouring for
breath. The Captain meaning that he should be more
alarmed than hurt, dismissed him with a salutation
of his foot on the backside, as a claude ostium, as he
went out. You may be, said he, a gentleman in the
opinion of the world; but you are a low person in
mine; and so shall it be done to every one who shall
come upon such an errand.

CHAPTER III.

[figure description] Page 059.[end figure description]

HAVING thus dismissed the secondary man,
he called in his servant Teague, and accosted him as
follows: Teague, said he, you have heretofore discovered
an ambition to be employed in some way
that would advance your reputation. There is now
a case fallen out, to which you are fully competent.
It is not a matter that requires the head to contrive,
but the hand to execute. The greatest fool is as fit
for it as a wise man. It is indeed your greatest
blockheads that chiefly undertake it. The knowledge
of law, physic, or divinity is out of the question.
Literature and political understanding is useless.
Nothing more is necessary than a little resolution
of the heart. Yet it is an undertaking which
is of much estimation with the rabble, and has a
great many on its side to approve and praise it.
The females of the world, especially, admire the act,
and call it valour. I know you wish to stand well
with the ladies. Here is an opportunity of advancing
your credit. I have had what is called a challenge
sent me this morning. It is from a certain
Jacko, who is a suitor to a Miss Vapour, and has taken
offence at an expression of mine, respecting him
to this female. I wish you to accept the challenge,
and fight him for me.

[figure description] Page 060.[end figure description]

At this proposition, Teague looked wild, and
made apology that he was not much used to boxing.
Boxing, said the Captain; you are to fight what is
called a duel. You are to encounter him with pistols
and put a bullet through him if you can. It is
true, he will have the chance of putting one through
you; but in that consists the honour; for where there
is no danger, there is no glory. You will provide
yourself a second. There is an hostler here at the
public house, that is a brave fellow, and will answer
the purpose. Being furnished with a second, you
will provide yourself with a pair of pistols, powder
and ball of course. In the mean time, your adversary
notified of your intentions, will do the like.
Thus equipped, you will advance to the place
agreed upon. The ground will be measured out;
ten, seven, or five steps; back to back, and coming
round to your place fire. Or taking your ground,
stand still and fire; or it may be, advance and fire as
you meet, at what distance you think proper. The
rules in this respect are not fixed, but as the parties
can agree or the seconds point out. When you
come to fire, be sure you keep a steady hand, and
take good aim. Remember that the pistol barrel
being short, the powder is apt to throw the bullet up.
Your sight therefore, ought to be about the waistband
of his breeches, so that you have the whole
length of his body, and his head in the bargain, to
come and go upon. It is true, he in the meantime,
will take the same advantages of you. He may hit
you about the groin, or the belly. I have known
some shot in the thigh, or the leg, or the private
parts. The throat also, and the head are in themselves
vulnerable. It is no uncommon thing to have
an arm broke, or a splinter struck off the nose, or
an eye shot out; but as in that case, the ball mostly

[figure description] Page 061.[end figure description]

passes through the brain, and the man being dead
at any rate, the loss of sight is not greatly felt.

As the Captain spoke, Teague seemed to feel in
himself, every wound which was described, the ball
hitting him, now in one part, and now in another.
At the last words, it seemed to pass through his
head, and he was half dead, in imagination. Making
a shift to express himself, he gave the Captain
to understand, that he could by no means undertake
the office. What! said the Captain; you whom nothing
would serve, some time ago, but to be a legislator,
or philosopher, or preacher, in order to gain
fame, will now detract a business for which you are
qualified. This requires no knowledge of finances,
no reading of natural history, or any study of the fathers.
You have nothing more to do than keep a
steady hand and a good eye.

In the early practice of this exercise; I mean the
combat of the duel, it was customary to exact an
oath of the combatants, before they entered the lists,
that they had no enchantments, or power of witchcraft,
about them. Whether you should think it
necessary to put him to his voir dire, on this point,
I shall not say; but I am persuaded, that on your
part, you have too much honour, to make use of
spells, or undue means, to take away his life, or save
your own. You will leave all to the chance of fair
shooting. One thing you will observe, and which is
allowable in this battle; you will take care not to
present yourself to him with a full breast, but angularly,
and your head turned round over the left
shoulder, like a weather-cock. For thus a smaller
surface being presented to an adversary, he will be
less likely to hit you. You must throw your legs
into lines parallel, and keep them one directly behind
the other. Thus you will stand like a sail

[figure description] Page 062.[end figure description]

hauled close to the wind. Keep a good countenance,
a sharp eye, and a sour look; and if you feel any thing
like a cholic, or a palpitation of the heart, make no
noise about it. If the ball should take you in the
gills, or the gizzard, fall down as decently as you
can, and die like a man of honour.

It was of no use to urge the matter; the Irishman
was but the more opposed to the proposition, and utterly
refused to be after fighting in any such manner.
The Captain finding this to be the case, dismissed
him to clean his boots and spurs, and rub down his
horse in the stable.

CHAPTER IV.

[figure description] Page 063.[end figure description]

ON reflection, it seemed adviseable to the Captain
to write an answer to the card which Colonel or
Major Jacko, or whatever his title may have been,
had sent him this morning. It was as follows:

Sir,

I have two objections to this duel matter.
The one is, lest I should hurt you; and the other is,
lest you should hurt me. I do not see any good it
would do me to put a bullet through any part of your
body. I could make no use of you when dead, for
any culinary purpose, as I would a rabbit or a turkey.
I am no cannibal to feed on the flesh of men.
Why then shoot down a human creature, of which
I could make no use. A buffaloe would be better
meat. For though your flesh might be delicate and
tender; yet it wants that firmness and consistency
which takes and retains salt. At any rate it would
not be fit for long sea voyages. You might make a
good barbecue, it is true, being of the nature of a
racoon or an opossum; but people are not in the habit
of barbecuing any thing human now. As to your
hide, it is not worth the taking off, being little better
than that of a year old colt.

[figure description] Page 064.[end figure description]

It would seem to me a strange thing to shoot at a
man that would stand still to be shot at; in as much
as I have been heretofore used to shoot at things flying,
or running, or jumping. Were you on a tree
now, like a squirrel, endeavouring to hide yourself
in the branches, or like a racoon, that after much
eyeing and spying I observe at length in the crotch
of a tall oak, with boughs and leaves intervening, so
that I could just get a sight of his hinder parts, I
should think it pleasurable enough to take a shot at
you. But as it is, there is no skill or judgment requisite
either to discover or take you down.

As to myself, I do not much like to stand in the
way of any thing that is harmful. I am under apprehensions
you might hit me. That being the
case, I think it most advisable to stay at a distance.
If you want to try your pistols, take some object, a
tree or a barn door about my dimensions. If you
hit that, send me word, and I shall acknowledge that
if I had been in the same place, you might also have
hit me.

CHAPTER V. CONTAINING REFLECTIONS.

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THE Captain was a good man, but unacquainted
with the world. His ideas were drawn
chiefly from what may be called the old school; the
Greek and Roman notions of things. The combat
of the duel was to them unknown. Though it seems
strange, that a people who were famous for almost
all arts and sciences should have remained ignorant
of its use. I do not conceive how as a people, they
could exist without it. But so it was, they actually
were without the knowledge of it. For we do not
find any trace of this custom in the poets or historians
of all antiquity.

I do not know at what period, precisely, the custom
was introduced; or to whom it was owing; but
omitting this disquisition we content ourselves with
observing, that it has produced as great an improvement
in manners, as the discovery of the load-stone,
and mariner's compass, has in navigation. Not that
I mean to descant, at full length, on the valuable effects
of it; but simply to observe, that it is a greater
aid to government than the alliance of church and
state itself. If Dr. Warburton had had leisure, I

[figure description] Page 066.[end figure description]

could wish he had written a treatise upon it. Some
affect to ridicule it, as carrying to a greater length
small differences, than the aggravation may justify.
As for instance, a man is angry enough with you to
give you a slap in the face; but the custom says,
he must shoot you through the head. I think the
smaller the aggravation, the nicer the sense of honour.
The heaviest mind will resent a gross affront;
but to kill a man where there is no affront at all,
shews a great sensibility. It is immaterial whether
there is or is not an injury, provided the world thinks
there is; for it is the opinion of mankind we are to
consult. It is a duty which we owe them to provide
for their amusement. Non nasscimur nobis ipsis;
we are not born for ourselves, but for others. Decorum
pro patria mori; it is a becoming thing to die
for one's country; and shall it not also be accounted
honourable to throw one's life away for the entertainment
of a few particular neighbours and acquaintances.
It is true, the tears that will be shed
upon your grave will not make the grass grow; but
you will have the consolation, when you leave the
world, to have fallen in the bed of honour.

It is certainly a very noble institution, that of the
duel; and it has been carried to very great perfection,
in some respects. Nevertheless, I would submit
it to the public, whether still further improvement
might not be made in the laws and regulations
of it. For instance, could it not be reduced nearer
to an equality of chances, by proportioning the caliber,
or bore of the pistol; the length of the barrel,
also, to the size of the duellist who holds it; or by
fixing the ratio of distance in proportion to the bulk
of combatants. To explain myself: When I am to
fight a man of a small size, I ought to have a longer
pistol than my adversary, because my mark is

[figure description] Page 067.[end figure description]

smaller; or I ought to be permitted to come nearer to him.
For it is altogether unfair that men of unequal bulk
should fire at equal distances, and with equal calibers.
The smaller size multiplied by the larger
space, or larger pistol, would equal the larger size
multiplied by the smaller space or smaller pistol....
If this amendment of the duel laws should be approved
by men of honour, let it be added to the
code.

CHAPTER VI.

[figure description] Page 068.[end figure description]

NOT long after this, being at a certain place,
the Captain was accosted by a stranger in the following
manner: Captain, said he, I have heard of a
young man in your service who talks Irish. Now,
Sir, my business is that of an Indian treaty-maker;
and am on my way with a party of kings, and half-kings
to the commissioners, to hold a treaty. My king of
the Kickapoos, who was a Welch blacksmith, took
sick by the way, and is dead: I have heard of this
lad of yours, and could wish to have him a while to
supply his place. The treaty will not last longer
than a couple of weeks; and as the government will
probably allow three or four thousand dollars for the
treaty, it will be in our power to make it worth your
while, to spare him for that time. Your king of the
Kickapoos, said the Captain; what does that mean?
Said the stranger, It is just this: you have heard of
the Indian nations to the westward, that occasionally
make war upon the frontier settlements. It has been
a policy of government, to treat with these, and distribute
goods. Commissioners are appointed for
that purpose. Now you are not to suppose that it
is always an easy matter to catch a real chief, and
bring him from the woods; or if at some expence

[figure description] Page 069.[end figure description]

one was brought, the goods would go to his use;
whereas, it is much more profitable to hire substitutes
and make chiefs of our own: And as some unknown
gibberish is necessary, to pass for an Indian
language, we generally make use of Welch, or Low
Dutch, or Irish; or pick up an ingenious fellow here
and there, who can imitate a language by sounds of
his own, in his mouth, and throat. But we prefer
one who can speak a real tongue, and give more for
him. We cannot afford you a great deal at this
time for the use of your man; because it is not a
general treaty where 20,000, or 30,000 dollars are
appropriated for the purpose of holding it; but an
occasional, or what we call a running treaty, by way
of brightening the chain, and holding fast friendship.
The commissioners will doubtless be glad to see us,
and procure from government an allowance for the
treaty. For the more treaties, the more use for commissioners.
The business must be kept up, and treaties
made if there are none of themselves. My Pianksha,
and Choctaw chiefs, are very good fellows;
the one of them a Scotch pedlar that talks the Erse;
the other has been some time in Canada, and has a
little broken Indian, God knows what language; but
has been of great service in assisting to teach the
rest some Indian custom and manners. I have had
the whole of them for a fortnight past under my tuition,
teaching them war songs and dances, and to
make responses at the treaty. If your man is tractable,
I can make him a Kickapoo in about nine days.
A breech-clout and leggins, that I took off the blacksmith
that died, I have ready to put on him. He must
have part of his head shaved, and painted, with feathers
on his crown; but the paint will rub off, and the
hair grow in a short time, so that he can go about
with you again.

[figure description] Page 070.[end figure description]

It is a very strange affair, said the Captain. Is it
possible that such deception can be practised in a
new country. It astonishes me, that the government
does not detect such imposition. The government,
said the Indian treaty-man, is at a great distance. It
knows no more of Indians than a cow does of Greek.
The legislature, hears of wars and rumours of wars,
and supports the executive in forming treaties....
How is it possible for men who live remote from
the scene of action, to have adequate ideas of the nature
of Indians, or the transactions that are carried
on in their behalf? Do you think the one half of
those savages that come to treat, are real representatives
of the nation? Many of them are not savages
at all; but weavers, and pedlars, as I have told you,
picked up to make kings and chiefs. I speak of those
particularly that come trading down to inland towns,
or the metropolis. I would not communicate these
mysteries of our trade, were it not that I confide in
your good sense, and have occasion for your servant.

It is a mystery of iniquity, said the Captain. Do
you suppose that I would countenance such a fraud
upon the public? I do not know, said the other; it is
a very common thing for men to speculate, now adays.
If you will not, another will. A hundred dollars
might as well be in your pocket as another man's.
I will give you that for the use of your servant, for
a week or two, and say no more about it. It is an
idea new to me entirely, said the Captain, that Indian
princes, whom I have seen escorted down as
such, were no more than trumpery, disguised, as you
mention; that such should be introduced to polite
assemblies, and have the honour to salute the fair
ladies with a kiss, the greatest beauties thinking
themselves honoured by having the salution of a sovereign?
It is so, said the other; I had a red headed

[figure description] Page 071.[end figure description]

bricklayer once, whom I passed for a Chippawaw;
and who has dined with clubs, and sat next the President.
He was blind of an eye, and was called
blind Sam by the traders. I had given it out that
he was a great warrior, and had lost his eye by an
arrow, in a contest with a rival nation. These things
are now reduced to a system; and it is so well known
to those who are engaged in the traffic, that we think
nothing of it.

How the devil, said the Captain, do you get
speeches made, and interpret them so as to pass for
truth. That is an easy matter, said the other; Indian
speeches are nearly all alike. You have only to
talk of burying hatches under large trees, kindling
fires, brightening chains; with a demand, at the latter
end, of blankets for the backside, and rum to get
drunk with.

I much doubt, said the Captain, whether treaties
that are carried on in earnest, are of any great use.
Of none at all, said the other; especially as the practice
of giving goods prevails; because this is an inducement
to a fresh war. This being the case, it
can be no harm to make a farce of the whole matter;
or rather a profit of it; by such means as I propose
to you, and have pursued myself.

After all, said the Captain, I cannot but consider
it as a kind of contraband and illicit traffic; and I
must be excused from having any hand in it, I shall
not betray your secret, but I shall not favour it. It
would ill become me, whose object in riding about
in this manner, is to give just ideas on subjects, to
take part in such ill-gotten gain.

The Indian treaty-man finding it in vain to say
more, withdrew.

CHAPTER VII.

[figure description] Page 072.[end figure description]

THE Captain apprehending that he might
not yet drop his designs upon the Irishman, but be
tampering with him out of doors, should he come
across him, sent for Teague. For he well knew,
that should the Indian treaty-man get the first word
of him, the idea of making him a king, would turn
his head, and it would be impossible to prevent his
going with him.

Teague coming in, said the Captain to him;
Teague, I have discovered in you, for some time
past, a great spirit of ambition, which is, doubtless,
commendable in a young person; and I have checked
it only in cases where there was real danger, or
apparent mischief. There is now an opportunity of
advancing yourself, not so much in the way of honour
as profit. But profit brings honour, and is, indeed,
the most substantial support of it. There has been
a man here with me, that carries on a trade with the
Indians, and tells me that red-headed scalps are in
great demand with them. If you could spare yours,
he would give a good price for it. I do not well
know what use they make of this article, but so it is,
the traders find their account in it. Probably they
dress it with the hairy side out, and make

[figure description] Page 073.[end figure description]

tobaccopouches for the chiefs, when they meet in council.
It saves dyeing, and besides, the natural red hair of
a man, may, in their estimation, be superior to any
colour they can give by art. The taking off the
scalp will not give much pain, it is so dextrously
done by them with a crooked knife they have for
that purpose. The mode of taking off the scalp is
this; you lie down upon your back; a warrior puts
his feet upon your shoulders, collects your hair in
his left hand, and drawing a circle with the knife in
his right, makes the incision, and, with a sudden
pull, separates it from the head, giving, in the mean
time, what is called the scalp yell. The thing
is done in such an instant, that the pain is scarcely
felt. He offered me an hundred dollars, if I would
have it taken off for his use, giving me directions,
in the mean time, how to stretch it and dry it on a
hoop. I told him, No; it was a perquisite of your
own, and you might dispose of it as you thought
proper. If you choose to dispose of it, I had no objections;
but the bargain sbould be of your own
making, and the price such as should please yourself.
I have sent for you, to give you a hint of this
chapman, that you may have a knowledge of his wish
to possess the property, and ask accordingly. It is
probable you may bring him up to a half Johannes
more, by holding out a little. But I do not think it
would be adviseable to lose the bargain. An hundred
dollars for a little hairy flesh, is a great deal. You
will trot a long time before you make that with me.
He will be with you probably to propose the purchase.
You will know when you see him. He is a
tall looking man, with leggins on, and has several
Indians with him going to a treaty. He talked to
me something of making you a king of the Kickapoos,
after the scalp is off; but I would not count on

[figure description] Page 074.[end figure description]

that so much; because words are but wind, and promises
are easily broken. I would advise you to
make sure of the money in the first place, and take
chance for the rest.

I have seen among the prints of Hogarth, some
such expression of countenance as that of Teague at
this instant; who, as soon as he could speak, but with
a double brogue on his tongue, began to intimate his
disinclination to the traffic. The hair of his scalp
itself, in the mean time had risen in opposition to it.
Dear master, vid you trow me into ridicule, and the
blessed shalvation of my life, and all dat I have in
the vorld, to be trown like a dog to de savages, and
have my flesh tarn of my head to give to dese vild
bastes to make a napsack to carry their parates and
tings in, for an hundred dollars or the like. It shall
never be said that the hair of the Oregans made
mackeseens for a vild Indian to trat upon. I would
sooner trow my own head, hair, and all in de fire,
dan give it to dese paple to smoke wid, out of deir
long pipes.

It this be your determination, said the Captain, it
will behove you to keep yourself somewhat close;
and while we remain at this public house, avoid any
conversation with the chapman or his agents, should
they come to tamper with you. For it is not improbable,
while they are keeping you in talk, proposing
to make you a Kickapoo chief, and the like, they
may snatch the scalp off your head, and you not be
the wiser for it.

Teague thought the caution good, and resolving
to abide by it, retired to the kitchen. The maid at
this time, happening to want a log of wood, requested
Teague to cut it for her. Taking the ax accordingly,
and going out, he was busy chopping, with his
head down; while, in the mean time, the Indian

[figure description] Page 075.[end figure description]

treaty-man had returned with one in Indian dress,
who was the chief of the Killinoos, or at least passed
for such; and whom he brought as having some recruiting
talents, and might prevail with Teague to
elope, and join the company. I presume, said the
Indian treaty-man, you are the waiter of the Captain
who lodges here at present. Teague hearing a man
speak, and lifting up his head, saw the leggins on
the one, and the Indian dress on the other; and with
a kind of involuntary effort, threw the ax directly
from him at the Killinno. It missed him but about
an inch, and fell behind. Teague, in the mean time,
raising a shout of desperation, was fixed on the spot,
and his locomotive faculties suspended; so that he
could neither retreat nor advance, but stood still, like
one enchained or enchanted for a moment; the king
of the Killinoos, in the mean time, drawing his tomahawk,
and preparing for battle.

The Captain, who was reading at a front window,
hearing the shout, looked about, and saw what was
going on at the wood-pile. Stop villain, said he, to
the king of the Killinoos; you are not to take that
scalp yet, however much you may value it. He will
not take an hundred dollars for it, nor 500, though
you make him king of the Kickapoos, or any thing
else. It is no trifling matter to have the ears slit in
tatters, and the nose run through with a bodkin, and
a goose quill stuck across; so that you may go about
your business; you will get no king of the Kickapoos
here. Under cover of this address of the Captain,
Teague had retired to the kitchen, and ensconced
himself behind the rampart of the maid. The
Indian treaty-man, and the Killinoo chief, finding the
measure hopeless, withdrew, and turned their attention,
it is to be supposed, to some other quarter, to
find a king of the Kickapoos.

CHAPTER VIII. CONTAINING OBSERVATIONS.

[figure description] Page 076.[end figure description]

THE Captain was certainly to be commended
in declining to countenance the imposition of making
Teague a Kickapoo chief. Had he been disposed
to adventure in a contraband trade of this kind,
he might have undertaken it as a principal, and not
as furnishing an assistant only. He could have passed
Teague for a chief, and himself for an interpreter.
He might pretend to have conducted this prince
from a very distant nation, and that he had been several
moons in travelling, and wanted, the Lord
knows how much, goods for his people, that otherwise
would come to war. By this means, the Captain
would have taken the whole emolument of the
treaty, and not have been put off with a small share
of the profit which another made by it.

I should like to have seen Teague in an Indian
dress, come to treat with the commissioners. It
would be necessary for him only to talk Irish, which
he might pass for the Shawanese, or other language.
The Captain could have interpreted in the usual
words on these occasions.

[figure description] Page 077.[end figure description]

The policy of treating with the Indians is very
good; because it takes off a great deal of loose merchandize,
that might otherwise lie upon our hands,
and cuts away superfluities from the finances of the
government; at the same time, as every fresh treaty
lays the foundation of a new war, it will serve to
check the too rapid growth of the settlements. The
extremities of a government, like the arm or ancle
of an individual, are the parts at which blood is to
be let.

Struck with the good effects of treating with the
savages, and that our wise men who conduct affairs,
pursue the policy, I have been led to wonder, that
the agricultural societies, have not proposed treaties
with the wolves and bears, that they might not clandestinely
invade our sheep and pig folds. This might
be done by sending messages to the several ursine
and vulpine nations, and calling them to a councilfire,
to which four or five hundred waggon load of
beef should be sent, and distributed. If it should be
said, that this would restrain them no longer from
their prey than while they continued to be satiated,
the same might be said of the Potawatamies, or other
Indian nations; and yet we see that those at the
head of our affairs think it prudent to negociate with
them.

A bear and wolf treaty might seem an odd thing
at first, but we should soon come to be accustomed
to it. I should be sorry abuses should prevail, by
treaty-making men passing rough water-dogs for
bears, or mastiffs for wolves, upon our secretaries at
war, or subordinate commissioners; which might be
done as in the case of the savages, where it is pretended
that some tribes had not been at the general
treaty, now sends a chief to represent them and to
get goods.

[figure description] Page 078.[end figure description]

If our traders go amongst the wolves in consequence
of a treaty, I could wish they could check
themselves in the introduction of spirituous liquors.
A drunk wolf, or bear, would be a dangerous animal.
It may be thought that a bear of wolf chief would not
get drunk, as it would be setting a bad example to
their people; but I have seen Indian kings lying on
the earth drunk, and exposing their nakedness, like
Noah to Shem, Ham, and Japheth; and if Indians,
that are a sort of human creatures, act thus, what
might we not expect from a poor brute wolf or bear?

If treaties with the wolves and bears should be
found to succeed, it might not be amiss to institute
them also with the foxes. This is a sagacious animal,
and destructive to ducks and other fowls. It
would be a great matter to settle a treaty with them,
which might be done at the expence of nine or ten
thousand dollars laid out in goods.

CHAPTER IX.

[figure description] Page 079.[end figure description]

MEANING to remain some time in a certain
town to which he came, the Captain had his horse
put out to pasture, and took private lodgings. The
first day at dinner, he was struck with the appearance
of a young man who sat at table, but could not
be said to dine with them; for except a little water
and a bit of bread, he ate or drank nothing; and
though sometimes addressed, he made no answer.
There was a settled melancholy in his countenance,
and he often sighed deeply. He had been in this
house six weeks, and had behaved uniformly in the
same manner. In the evening he would walk by
himself till midnight. Whence he came, or what
was his object, no one knew. He had bespoke a
back room, and wished to have one where there was
but little light; also, that a little water, and a bit of
bread might be sent when he should require it. The
landlady not chusing to have a person in the house
who was unwilling to be seen, declined the circumstance
of sending in provisions to his room; but
thought it proper he should come to table. He did
so; but entered into no conversation, though much
pains was taken to engage him. He had paid his
boarding regularly, and did not seem to be in want

[figure description] Page 080.[end figure description]

of money. This was the account given by the family,
when the young man retired from dinner.

The Captain's curiosity was much excited; for
being a philanthropic man, he found himself interested
in the history of this person. Taking an opportunity
that very evening, when the young man
was walking in the back porch, he joined him, and
with the bluntness of a plain man, accosted him....
Sir, said he, it is from no motive of vain curiosity,
that I thus address you. It is from a disposition to
know and alleviate your griefs. For it is evident to
me that something hangs heavy on your mind. I
am a man, as you see, advanced in life, and have
had some experience. It is possible it may be in
my power to say or do something that may serve
you; at least it is my disposition to soothe your melancholy.
If it should be an unfortunate murder,
the guilt of which lies upon your mind, you will find
no accuser in me; I shall preserve a secret obtained
in this manner. Probably it may have been a duel,
and with such alleviating circumstances, that though
the law would take hold of it, humanity will excuse.

The young man finding the charge of murder, or
suspicion of it, ready to be fixed upon him, spoke.
Said he, I am no murderer, but a murdered man
myself. I am in love with a young woman of the
most celestial beauty, but of a cruel heart.

The beauty may be more in your brain than in
her face, said the Captain; for, as the poet says,


“The Lunatic, the Lover, and the Poet,
“Are of imagination all compact;
“One sees more devils than vast hell can hold;
“That is the madman: The other, all as frantic,
“Sees Helen's beauty in a brow of Egypt.”

[figure description] Page 081.[end figure description]

I am not unacquainted with the nature of this passion;
and have seen a gypsey myself, in my time,
that has had dominion over me. Perhaps I may
have been carried to as much extravagance as other
people; and therefore am a proper person to advise
against it. A principal source of my extravagance,
was an opinion that the jade who had hold of my affections
at the time, would pity me when she heard
of the pain which her beauty gave me; that she
would be afraid I would hang myself for her sake;
that she would come to sooth and caress me, in order
to prevent it. Far from it. My uneasiness was
the proof of her power to wound; and the more distress
I felt, the greater credit to her beauty. She
would not have lost a sigh which she caused me for
any consideration. My lamentations were as agreeable
to her, as the groans of the damned are to the
devil. And so it must be with every woman; because
self love induces it. Hanging is the last thing
they would be at. If they could get the lover bro't
to this, they are then at the height of fame. It falls
but to the lot of one here and there to have a man
drown himself for her; and when it does happen, it
makes such a noise that all covet it.

I would venture to say, that this female whom
you fast and pray about so much, would be very
unwilling to breathe the soul into you, were it once
out. Instead of fasting, she is eating; and while
you sigh in the night, she snores.

You have an idea, perhaps, that you may bend
her by your perseverance. That is a mistake. A
man that once comes to this state of sighing, and
dying, has but little chance; because he has surrendered
himself; and there is nothing more to be won.
Were there any possibility of succeeding, it would
be by first conquering yourself; dismissing all idea

[figure description] Page 082.[end figure description]

of her partiality for you; for it is owing to this secret
vanity, and self flattery, that you still pursue.
Absolute despair is the first step towards the cure
of love. It is either drowning or curing, with you
at present. As you have not drowned yourself, you
are in a fair way to be cured.

I know very well how you missed the matter with
this hussy. You appear to be a young man of great
sensibility of feeling; and I presume made your addresses
with great refinement of thought and manners.
You talked to her of flames and darts, and
flowers and roses; read poetry in the mean time,
and thought a great deal of Phillis, and Amaryllis;
and entertained her with names and incidents in romances,
and sung and recited soft love songs of
Amanda, and Phebe, and Colin; whereas your way
was to have talked careless nonsense, and sung such
songs as Pady Kelly, and Tristram Shandy-O; and
told her stories of girls that had ran off with pedlars,
or gone a campaigning with the soldiers. These
ideas are light and frolicsome, and co-natural to
springing love. Hence it is that men of but loose
and irregular education, succeed better with the fair
than scholars that are learned in the classics.

But to bring the matter to a point, the true way
is to get another mistress; and profit by your experience
with the first. No more of sighing and dying
in the case; but singing, and laughing, and
jumping like a young fox. Hint a little with respect
to certain matters that are between the sexes; but
let it be done in so delicate a manner, that, though
she understands you, she is not obliged to do it.
What I mean, is to make her think you would rather
debauch her than marry her. Bring her to
this suspicion, and I warrant you. Her whole study

[figure description] Page 083.[end figure description]

will be to entrap you into matrimony. For it is natural
for the human mind, when it observes a great
security and confidence in another, to imagine there
must be some ground for it. It will argue a consciousness,
on your part, of having a good or better in
yourpower. It will impress her with the same idea;
and imagination governs the world.

When the mind is bent upon any object, it is relieved
by the conversation of these who understand
it; and, as it were, dissolve with them in the same
ideas. The young man was pleased with the conversation
of the Captain, and seemed cheered; agreed
to join the family, and be sociable. By degrees he
became so; and what by the conversation of the
Captain, sometimes explaining and sometimes ridiculing
the passion of love; and the young ladies of
the family, in the mean time, rallying him on his
weakness, he came a little to his senses, (for love is a
phrenzy), and began to behave like a common man.
For it having come out now, that love was the cause
of his distress and singularity of conduct, some pitied
him, and others rallied it with good humour and
philanthrophy. It had, however, become the general
topic in the family, and was carried down to the
kitchen among the servants.

Teague hearing of it, took it into his head that he
must be in love too; and counterfeiting a demure
look, and absence of mind, and walking by himself,
and living on spare diet, as he had heard the young
man that was in love did, he wished to have it understood
that his mind was under the dominion of the
same passion. This being observed, was represented
to the Captain; who being at a loss to know what
was the matter, called Teague, and began to interrogate
him. The bog-trotter, with some seeming reluctance,
acknowledged that it was love. You in

[figure description] Page 084.[end figure description]

love, said the Captain, you great bear; with whom
are you in love? That dear cratur, said the Irishman,
that has the black hair, and the fair face, and her
name is Mrs. Sally, in the house there. She is a
fair as the wool or the snow, and gives me the cholic,
and the heart-burn, every time I look at her fair
eyes; God save her soul from damnation, but I love
her as I do the very food that I ate, or the clothes
that I ware upon my back.

It appeared to be Miss Sally, a very pretty girl,
the eldest daughter of the landlady; who, by the bye,
I mean the ladlady, was a widow, and had two daughters
and a niece with her; the handsomest of whom
was this Miss Sally, with whom Teague had become
enamoured. For simple and ignorant nature
will fasten on beauty, as well as the most instructed
in the principles of taste.

The Captain having been a good deal troubled,
heretofore, with the pretensions of this valet, in
wishing to be a member of the legislature, a philosopher,
a preacher, and now a lover, thought he had
now a good opportunity of repressing his presumption
for the future. There was a young man, a brother
in the family, who had been some time in the service,
as a lieutenant, and had leave of absence at
this time, on a visit to his mother and sisters. The
Captain well knew, that being in the pride and heat
of youth, he would consider Teague's advances to
his sister as an insult on the family, and chastise him
accordingly, With this view, counterfeiting every
possible disposition to serve the bog-trotter, the Captain
recommended to him to make a confident of the
brother, and endeavour to gain his interest with the
sister.

Accordingly, one morning when the officer was
in his chamber, Teague made his approach; and

[figure description] Page 085.[end figure description]

composing his woe-begone countenance as well as
he could, and explaining the cause of it, solicited his
interest with the lady.

There was a whip in a corner of the room, with
which the lieutenant had been riding; seizing this
hastily, he made an attack upon the person of the
lover, in a manner far beyond what was decent or
moderate. The valet retreating with considerable
outcries, made complaint to the Captain; who gave
him to understand, that as this outrage was committed
by his intended brother-in-law, it must be considered
in the nature of a family quarrel, and he
could not interfere.

The advances of Teague became the subject of
conversation in the family, and of much mirth and
laughter. The young man who had been in the
state of melancholy before described, and had been
cheered a little, was now in a great degree cured by
the imitation of the valet. For ridicule is more a
cure for love than reason. It is better to make the
patient laugh than think.

Having now a disposition to pursue his travels,
the Captain sent for his horse, and set out.

CHAPTER X. CONTAINING OBSERVATIONS.

[figure description] Page 086.[end figure description]

THE observations which we make when the
narration of the fact is ended, are something like the
sentiments delivered in the chorus in the ancient plays,
a kind of moral on what was said; or like the moral
as it is called to a fable. In this view therefore, we
shall endeavour to say something.

The young man that we have seen so deeply in
love, was of a handsome personal appearance, and
of an eye and physiognomy that indicated sensibility
and understanding; and yet it is probable the female
of whom he was so much enamoured, may have been
both homely, and destitute of good mental qualities.
Whence could a repulse in this case happen. From
a thousand causes. We will specify some of them.
The very circumstance of his being beyond her first
hopes, may have put him beyond her last wishes....
A female wooed by a man her superior, may be led
to think she has still a chance for better; and that
there must be diamonds in her hair, or some hidden
advantage on her part, of which she was herself ignorant;
otherwise such advances would not be made
to her; or she may apprehend some defect on the

[figure description] Page 087.[end figure description]

part of the lover, of which he is conscious; otherwise,
he would not stoop beneath his natural expectations.

It is possible the Amanda may not have been of
the same class and quality with himself. This would
of itself account for the repulse. Should the eagle
come from the firmament, and make his advances to
the pheasant, he would find himself unsuccessful;
for the brown bird would prefer a lover of her own
species; or, should the rein-deer, which is a most
beautiful creature, woo a frog, the croaking animal
would recede into the marsh, and solace itself with
a paramour of its own chusing. When, therefore,
unexperienced young persons place their affections
on an object and do not find a suitable return, they
ought to save their pride, and make the inference,
that they had descended from their element, and
fastened on an animal unworthy of their notice.

These observations, in addition to those made by
the Captain to the young man, may be of use to unfortunate
lovers; and if so, it will be a recompence for
the trouble we have given ourselves in making them.

CHAPTER XI.

[figure description] Page 088.[end figure description]

IT was about an hour before sunset, that the
Captain fell in company with one who had the Cincinnati
eagle at his breast, and riding on together,
put up at an inn.

The landlady and the servants, having never seen
the badge before, were a good deal struck with the
effigy of the eagle, and the ribbon at which it was
pendant. Interrogating Teague, who had come in
company, and whom they took to be a common servant
to both, or at least acquainted with the affairs of
either, what was the meaning of that bird, or what
bird it was, that the gentleman had at his breast?....
Teague knew as little about it as they did; but unwilling
to be thought ignorant, took upon him to inform
them. It is, said he, a goose; and the maining
is, that the shentleman would ate a goose, if your
anouers would get one roasted this avening, for his
anour to ate with the Captain, who is my master; for
we have ate nothing all day long, and a roasted goose,
with a shoulder of mutton, a pace of poark, and bafe
and cabbage, and the like, would be a very good slake
for a fasting stomach. So, God save your soul, dear
honey, and make haste, and get a goose knocked
down and put to the fire, to keep their anours from

[figure description] Page 089.[end figure description]

starving, and to go to bed in a good humour, when
they have drank a cup of ale or a mug of cyder after
the goose; and, bless your soul, dear honey, let it be
a good large fat goose, that there may be a rib or a
wing left, that a poor sarvant may have something
to ate, at the same time. The shentleman was very
right to hold out a token, like the sign of a tavernkeeper,
with a goose, or a pigeon, or a turkey, that
paple may know what he wants, and not be after the
trouble of asking whether he would chuse roast bafe
and parates, or pork and parsnips, may it plase your
anour.

The landlady was a good deal distressed, having
no goose about the house. But sending out to her
neighbours, she made shift to collect a couple of
ducks, which Teague acknowledged would be a very
good substitute. Supper being ordered, these were
served up, with an apology from the landlady, that
she had not been able to procure a goose; which she
hoped the gentleman with the ribbon would excuse,
as she was informed that a roasted goose was so
much to his taste. A roasted goose to my taste!
said the officer; what reason have you to think that a
roasted goose is so much my choice? Surely madam
you cannot mean wit, or to insinuate that I myself
am a goose? for one animal preys not upon another;
the maxim is, dog will not eat dog. I cannot therefore
be a goose if I eat one.

Here the landlady explained her meaning, giving
the information she had received from the servant....
The Captain was greatly irritated, and would have
called him in and chastised him instantly, had not
the officer interfered; declaring that though it was
an eagle, not a goose that he wore at his breast, yet
he was not dissatisfied at the mistake, in as much as

[figure description] Page 090.[end figure description]

it had brought a couple of good ducks to the table,
a fowl of which he was particularly fond.

This incident, in itself laughable, led the officer to
relate the trouble he had had with a clergyman who
had made a worse mistake than this, taking the eagle
for a graven image, contrary to the injunction of the
decalogue, which prohibits the making any such representation
for the purpose of worship, as he alledged
this to be. In answer to the clergyman, he
had alledged the improbability that he who had been
in the service so many years, at a distance from
church, or church worship, except when a deistical
chaplain came in the way, should think so much of
religion, as to have any worship at all; much less to
have become superstitious, and to wear an image at
his bosom. The truth was, that he worshipped any
god, true or false, very little; at least, said few or no
prayers on such occasions; and was very far from
being an idolater, and paying adoration to a gold or
silver image; that this was nothing more than a
hieroglyphic, being the effigies of a bald eagle which
is a native of America, and designates the cause for
which her soldiery had fought; in the same manner
as the eagle was the standard of the Roman legion;
or the lion and the unicorn are the arms of England,
or the thistle that of Scotland; that the emblem of
the American bald eagle had on these principles,
been chosen by the Cincinnati for their badge; of
which society he was a member, and wore this device,
not venerating it as the image of any bird or
beast whatsoever.

The clergyman admitted that, in strictness, this
symbol might not be a graven image, as the term
would intend engraving on wood or metal, with the
point of an instrument; and under this mental reservation,
the wearer might save himself in saying that

[figure description] Page 091.[end figure description]

it was not a graven image: but it was at least a molten
one, which comes within the meaning of the prohibition;
being the representation of a fowl, and
doubtless for the purpose of idolatry. For what else
could be the use or meaning of it. It was not a
common broach, used as a ligament to the shirt or
coat; and it was unworthy of a man to suppose it
could be worn merely for ornament; boys and petit
maitres delighting in these things, but no one else.
It could not be any sort of time-piece, worn for the
purpose of ascertaining distance. In fact, it was the
portrait of a bird, the signal of some heathen deity;
as the cock was sacred to Esculapius, the owl to
Minerva, the peacock to Juno, and the dove to Venus.
The eagle was sacred to Jupiter; and it was most
probable, that it was in honour of this false god, that
the image was worn.

It answered no end to reason with the ecclesiastic;
for he grew but the more enraged, and insisted that
it was an idol; shewing from some texts of scripture,
that in the last times idolaters were to spring
up; and that this society, which the Cincinnati instituted,
might be the Gog and Magog spoken of in
the Apocalypse.

Said the Captain, It was natural enough for the
clergyman to make this deduction; as in maintaining
the cause of truth against Pagans, he is led to
dwell much on the subject of idolatry. But for my
part, the principal objection that lies with me, against
your institution, is that which lies against all partial
institutions, whatsoever; they cut men from the common
mass, and alienate their affections from the
whole, concentring their attachments to a particular
point and interest. A circumstance of this kind is
unfavourable to general philanthropy, giving a temporary
and artificial credit to those who are of the

[figure description] Page 092.[end figure description]

body, amongst themselves; so that while some lend
character, others borrow; and the individuals do not
stand on the natural basis of their own merit. On
this principle, I do not much approve of clubs and
societies, unless in the case of some humane or charitable
institution; or for the purpose of carrying on
some beneficial work or improvement. I do not
know that in your convening annually together, you
have any object in view of this nature. I have not
heard of any bridges you have built, or canals dug,
or locks made for the purpose of facilitating naviga-tion.
I dot see of what use your institution is; unless
it be, that your pronouncing an oration now and
then, may be favourable to eloquence. But of this
I much doubt, as such abstract discourses usually
degenerate into common-place. The great object
of an orator is, to persuade the judgment, or affect
the passions. In this case, the judgment is already
persuaded, affections already gained. Having therefore,
no object, what exertion can the mind make?...
Be the cause what it may, certain it is that such
compositions are seldom or ever found to be models
of eloquence; more especially where the subject is
of an extensive nature, as the revolution of America,
and the struggles of its heroes. For here so wide a
canvass is spread, that it is diffcult to fill it up; and
to take a particular part would seem to be a dereliction
of the rest; for which dereliction no special reason
could be given. You could not embrace all the
characters who have risen or have fallen, or catch at
particular names of the illustrious. Confining yourself,
therefore, to general observations, you make no
particular impression, and your orations become frigid
to the hearers.

I have felt the truth of all this, said the Cincinnati
gentleman, and the difficulty of composing an

[figure description] Page 093.[end figure description]

oration to satisfy my own wishes. For being appointed
by the society to pronounce one at our next meeting,
to which I am now on my way, I have been trying
my hand at it, and find it as you say, very difficult;
but have attributed this, not to the nature of the composition;
but to the inferiority of my powers. Not
so, said the Captain; for in the hands of the greatest
masters, this kind of composition labours. We do
not find that even the oration of Isocrates, on the
Lacedemonian war, which he was ten years in composing,
has obtained such celebrity among the ancients,
as such great labour would bespeak. I have
read the panegyric of Trajan by Pliny; and find it
but a cold composition. Plato's oration in honour of
those who had fallen in the battles of Marathon and
Platea, is the best of this kind that antiquity can produce,
and doubtless has great excellence in the simplicity
of the expression. The touches are delicate
and fine, and I do not know but we may place it
among the most beautiful productions. It amuses
with magic wildness of fancy, at the same time, restrained
and guided by an exquisite judgment. But
it is rather a poem than an harangue. For though
the composition is in prose, yet it breathes the soul
of a bard, and is inchanting by the flow of the words,
and the elevation of the images. In modern times,
the best thing we have of this nature, is the panegyric
of Cromwell, supposed to be written by the
great Milton, but not delivered. The ingenuity discovered
in the mode of praising him, deserves every
possible commendation. But the greater part of
addresses that I have seen to great men now-a-days,
or orations on public occasions, are turgid, or jejune,
and little worth our notice.

After this, said the Cincinnati gentleman, I shall
hesitate to show you the essay I have made towards

[figure description] Page 094.[end figure description]

a composition of this nature, as you appear to be so
good a judge in this respect, and to know the deficiencies
that may appear in any effort of this kind.

Nay, rather, said the Captain, you ought to be the
more confident in so doing; for knowing the difficulty
of the work, I shall be the more ready to excuse
what comes short of perfection.

I shall then take the liberty, said the Cincinnati
gentleman to read you a few paragraphs. I shall be
happy to hear it, said the Captain. The Cincinnati
gentleman read as follows:

Compatriots........I wish to say those things that
never have been said, and that never will be said
again. Because, in this case, there will be the characteristics
of novelty and singularity; the two great
constituents of pleasure, in all intellectual entertainments.
But what can I say new? Has not the whole
world resounded with the justness of the cause in
which we have been engaged; with the greatness of
the attempt to withstand the power of Britain? And
have not we, ourselves, felt, seen, and known the
great variety and changes of good or bad fortune?...
What will it contribute to our immediate enjoyment
to go over such scenes, unless the particular achievements
of each officer can be enumerated, which decency
forbids, and which indeed, cannot be done in
the limits of one harangue. Leaving, therefore,
ourselves and these scenes, wholly out of the question,
let us speak a little of those whom we left behind.
But why need we speak; for all time will
speak of them. The bards that shall live, will draw
hence their choicest allusions. Consider them, indeed,
as more happy than you because they ascended
from among the group of their companions, who were
at that time instant witnesses of their achievements.
The warriors who fall in battle, are the most

[figure description] Page 095.[end figure description]

glorious subjects of panegyric. Hector and Achilles, form
the most splendid part of the song of Homer, and
especially, because their bodies were interred in the
presence of the two armies. Oh what a noble object!
an army mourning a brave officer, and tears
drawn even from the foe, struck with the sublime of
his personal prowess, and excellent knowledge of the
military art. Much unlike, and far above thsoe who
languish with sickness on a bed in calm life, where
relations standing round, wish the departure of the
shade, and grasp at the property which he leaves
behind. But the fame of a soldier none but himself
can enjoy, there can be no heir or devisee of his property.
It is his own, and it mounts with him. His
blood only remains to bless the earth, from which
flowers and roses spring, and clothe the woods and
groves with enchantment and delight. For here the
song of poesy is awakened, and at morn, and noon,
and at still eve, their voices are heard who rehearse
where the brave fell, and where they sleep. Sublime
spirits! whether you inhabit the Pagan elysium
or the Christian heaven, you are happy; and listen
to those immortal lyres which are strung to the deeds
of heroes.

So much for the exordium of the oration; it was
all he had yet written. The evening passed away
in hilarity; and the conversation turned again on the
Cincinnati order; but particularly what may be called
the arms of the institution, viz. Britannia represented
as a fine woman, with her bosom bare, affrighted;
and Cincinnatus, an accoutred knight, attacking
her thus unarmed, as St. George did the
dragon; the eagle, the bird of Jove, in the mean
time grasping the lightning in his claws, an image
that would seem unnatural: Whereas the eagle might
be represented in the clouds near Jove, where the

[figure description] Page 096.[end figure description]

lightning might be left to work its forked course,
without the handing of the eagle; and in the other
figure, Cincinnatus might raise his lance against the
lion that supports the crown, not against the goddess
of the island.

From these strictures which the Captain, without
pretending to be a connoisseur, made, the transition
was easy to a criticism on the motto of the badge;
viz. Omnia reliquit, servare, rempublicam. The infinitive
is here used instead of the gerund, with the
preposition, ad servandam; as if it was intended to
express his motion, or change of place, and not the
object. But in fact, the motto does not at all express
that in which the merit of Cincinnatus consisted. It
was not in his leaving every thing to accept the
commission of the Roman senate; but in resigning
his commission, and, the work done, going to his
plough again. His praise would have been expressed
better by the phrase of, Victor ad aratrum redit....
In fact, it cannot apply well to our army; most of
our officers not having much to leave when they accepted
their commissions; but discovered a Cincinnati-like
disposition in returning after war to the
employments of civil life. It is true, there would
have been less tinsel, and more bullion in the patriotism
of retiring without a badge, as Cincinnatus
did? But it is a thing that can do little harm, and it
is pleasing to indulge a whim.

It may doubtless be said, that there were officers
that left the plough, and fought, and returned to it,
as well as those who are within the limitations of the
institution, and entitled to a badge that, troops who
had served a short inlistment, and militia persons,
at least those who fought a little, were not wholly
destitute of some claim to the badge of merit. Even
those who lost property might be said to suffer, and

[figure description] Page 097.[end figure description]

advance pretensions to the reward of honour. Not
that all of them should claim gold medals, or even
silver; but some brass, some copper, pewter, a bit
of tin, or pot metal, just as the specific value of their
services might entitle them. Perhaps while some
wore it at the breast, others might be enjoined to
wear it at the breeches pocket, and thus, as well by
the point from which appendant, as by the bob itself,
designate the proportion of their honour.

After this, some things were said on the subject
of introducing honourary members; against which
the Captain declared himself: That every thing
ought to be preserved sui generis; as nature makes
no honourary animals; but all are of the species, or
take not the name: a bear is a real bear, a sheep is
a sheep; and there is no commixture of name, where
there is a difference of nature. But it did not appear
to be of any great consequence, one way or the other.
For the order would never come to any great head,
as there was no opposition given. For this is necessary
to keep alive attachment to what is arbitrary,
and founded, not in utility, but caprice. For as the
fire dies without air, so whim without contradiction.

The officer was a man of liberality and good sense,
and acknowledged the truth of this. But the evening
being now far spent, candles were called for, and
they went to bed.

[figure description] Page 098.[end figure description]

THE preceding pages were written several
years ago; during which time the Captain has continued
his travels; and having been favoured with
his journal, I have occasionally made extracts, and
put them in the form of a continued history. Whether
I shall publish any more, will depend on the reception
of this.

I had first begun this work in verse, and have a
volume by me, about two parts in three as large as
Butler's Hudibrass; from which composition, I have
extracted this; thinking it might be more acceptable
in prose. When I visit this city next, I may
produce that in verse, and let the people take their
choice.

It is a happiness to a man to be able to amuse
himself with writing. For it is not every one that
can play upon the violin, or the flute; and the fingers
must be employed some way. I may be blamed in
not chusing some subject worthier of my studies,
and requiring a profound research. It might profit
the world more; but it would amuse myself less.
Omnis labor improbus; all toil is grievious. However
I have not been wholly inattentive to severer studies.
I have several law tracts by me; for which I mean,
in due time, to solicit a subscription. Nonum prematur
annum, in every work of moment, ought to be
observed.

[figure description] Page 099.[end figure description]

There are some light things which I may in the
mean time throw out; a comparison of Thucydides
with Livy; thoughts on the Egyptian hieroglyphics;
on the Carthagenian commerce; a comparison of the
French and English eloquence; a supplement to
Buffon, containing a description of several genera of
animals, not taken notice of by him; hints for the
improvement of the microscope; on the use of the
Masoretic points; on the recent origin of the earth;
on the criminal code of the Siamese, &c.

If the world will excuse these, I will give them
my word for it, they shall be troubled little more;
for except the examining my law tracts, I shall drop
my pen, finding it, as I advance in life, more advisable
to apply myself to making money. What
things have been written, and are now lying by me,
may occasionally see the light.

It is a good deal owing to my solitary residence in
the western country, at a distance from books and
literary conversation, that I have been led to write at
all. It was necessary to fill up the interstices of business.
If I should remain in that country, the same
circumstances may lead me to write still. If I
should remove to this city, or the seat of the federal
government, I shall avoid the tedium by other means.

I wish the present book to sell for at least as
much as will defray the expence of printing; for I
have no inclination to lose by it. If I had a little
time to stay in town, I could give it some celebrity
by extracts, and remarks upon it; publishing for
and against. For it is of no consequence how a
book is made famous, provided that it is famous.

The truth is, as I have said, I value this book for
little but the stile. This I have formed on the model
of Xenophen, and Swift's Tale of a Tub, and Gulliver's
Travels. It is simple, natural, various, and

[figure description] Page 100.[end figure description]

forcible. I hope to see it made a school book; a
kind of classic of the English language.

In looking over it, I find in the whole work, but
one word I would alter; it is near the beginning;
where I say figure on the stage, * instead of appear,
or make a figure on the stage. I have carefully
avoided the word unfounded instead of groundless,
a word in vogue, among members of Congress
especially. The word commit, is good, but being
lately introduced, and too much hackneyed, I have
not used it.

Language being the vestment of thought, it comes
within the rules of other dress; so that as slovenliness,
on the one hand, or foppery, on the other, is to
be avoided in our attire; so also in our speech, and
writing. Simplicity in the one and the other, is the
greatest beauty.

We do not know at what time the Greek language
began to be written as it was by Hesiod or Homer.
But we find it to have continued with little or no
change, from that time to the latest writers among
the Byzantine historians, a period of more than 3000
years. The Roman language is considered as improving
from the time of Ennius to the Augustine
age. The language of the orators, poets, and historians
of that time is the standard. It was not so
much in the use of particular words, as an affectation
in the thought, that Senaca is censured as corrupting
the language of the Romans. But Tacitus,
after him, writes in a pure stile; and I have found
but one conceit in expression, in his whole history:
meaning to give the geography of a country of a certain
tribe of the Germans; they are, says he, separated
from the Sequani by mount Jura, from the —
by the lake —, from the — by the river —,

[figure description] Page 101.[end figure description]

and from the Atabani by mutual fear. I do not find
so much fault with the stile of Pliny, as the heaviness
of his thoughts and expressions. However, the
Latin stile of writing retained its propriety and other
excellencies tolerably well, till the monks got possession
of it, and brought it down to a jargon that is
now exploded; and we recur to the pure originals of
Horace, Virgil, Cicero, and Sallust.

The French language is corrupting fast; and not
in the use of words, but in the affectation of surprise,
in the structure of the sentence, or the turn of
the expression. Mirabeau was free from this; but
not the Abbe Raynal. To give an example: meaning
to say, which he might have done in a simple
manner, that about this time the English cast their
eyes upon Goa, as a place where, &c. stating the
advantages of such a port; he begins by telling you,
that the English had occasion for such a port, which
&c. enumerating the advantages; and after this, with
surprize comes upon you, and tells you, they wanted
Goa. Enfin, says he; that is, in fine they wanted
Goa.

The English language is undoubtedly written better
in America than in England, especially since the
time of that literary dunce, Samuel Johnson, who
was totally destitute of taste for the vrai naturelle,
or simplicity of nature.

The language of the Scots writers is chaste, but
the structure of the sentence of the academic Dr.
Robertson, offends in this particular; his uniformity
of period striking the ear with the same pulse, as
the couplets of our rhyme in Dryden and Pope.
Hume is superior to him in this respect, writing as
naturally as a man speaks; his stile rising and falling
with the subject, as the movements of the mind
themselves.

[figure description] Page 102.[end figure description]

I am quite out of patience with this Postscript. I
have written it hastily, the Printer informing me
that he had a few pages of the last sheet to fill, which
must be left a blank unless I had something more;
but as I am in a hurry about some small matters,
and have no disposition to write, I believe I shall
conclude, and let him leave the remainder blank, or
put in a paragraph of his own, if he chuses it.

It just me strikes to add, that I am this moment
come from being admitted a Counsellor in the supreme
court of the United States; having written
the preceding part of this postscript just before the
court sat.

In consequence of my admission in this honourable
court, I feel myself inspired with a consciousness
of new dignity, and am determined to relinquish the
indulgence of all these light amusements, and apply
myself for the future to fathom the profound depths
of the legal oceans and rivers.

Vale,

Valete,

Camenæ.

* It is altered in this edition.

BOOK III.

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