Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1872], The struggles (social, financial and political) of Petroleum V. Nasby... embracing his trials and troubles, ups and downs, rejoicings and wailings; likewise his views of men and things; together with the lectures Cussed be Canaan, The struggles of a conservative with the woman question, and In search of the man of sin. With an introduction by Hon. Charles Sumner. Illustrated by Thomas Nast... (I. N. Richardson and Company, Boston) [word count] [eaf635T].
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CXXXI. AN IMPORTANT CASE AT THE CORNERS UNDER THE VAGRANT ACT. —THE DECISIONS OF 'SQUIRE GAVITT.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads, }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Janooary 28, 1867.
[figure description] Page 387.[end figure description]
*Wun uv the most important cases — important in a national
sense — ever tried afore a court uv justis, came off afore
Squire Gavitt yesterday. It was important, becoz it involved
the very existence uv the institution upon which Kentucky
is built — becoz, upon its decision hung the question whether
or not the Bible shood be respectid and its holy injunctions
obeyed — whether Kentucky shood, clingin to the Skripters,
go on ez a Christian State, or denyin it, go back into infidelity
and barbarism. I scasely need say that the porshens uv the
Bible to wich I refer, is the ever blessid chapters relatin to
Ham, Hager, and Onesimus — the only parts of the Skripter
we pay much attention to. But ef them is attacked successfully,
wat follows? The entire strukter comes tumblin to the
ground. Therefore, holdin to Afrikin slavery, we are orthodox
believers.
The circumstances uv the case wuz suthin like this: A nigger
uv the name uv Gabriel, wunst the happy and contented
servant uv that eminent Christian, Deekin Pogram, becum
possessed uv the spirit uv the devil, and sullen, becoz the
Deekin sold his wife to raise the means to send his second son,
Isaker, wich wuz a studyin for the ministry, to a Theolojikle
Institoot, somewhereas in Georgia. He run away in the fust
year uv the war, and follered the Federal army, finally enlisting
as a sojer. During the progress uv the struggle, he learned
to read, and bein powerful in prayer and sich, he headed a
revival, and hevin gifts that way, attracted the notis uv Genril
Howard, who hed him instructed, and finally made him an
-- 388 --
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agent uv a branch uv that accursid Freedmen's Burow. After
the war, he appeared in this vicinity, salaried by the society,
and commenst unfittin the niggers for their normal condishun
by teechin on em to read, and establishin Sunday skools among
em, wich wuz aginst the dignity and peace uv the commonwealth.
The citizens stood it with pashense ontil last Monday.
The Deekin hed a dispoot with a nigger relativ to a triflin
matter uv wages. The nigger hed bin workin at the stipulated
price uv $4 per month — the Deekin brought in, ez a offset,
his board at $2 per week; and ruther than hev any fuss about
it proposed to let him work the balance out durin the winter
months. To this ekitable arrangement the nigger demurred,
holdin that board wuz inclooded, and this Gabrel advised the
nigger to sue, and he did so.
Enraged at his interference, the Deekin went before Squire
Gavitt, and complained of Gabrel ez a vagrant, and employed
me to attend to the case. Pollock, the Illinoy storekeeper,
volunteered to defend the nigger, and there wuz a tremenjus
excitement over it.
I opened the case by statin that the nigger's biznis wuz to
prove that he hed vizable means uv support: Pollock insisted
that it wuz our biznis to prove that he hedn't, but the court
decided agin him.
The nigger then swore that he reseeved from his congregashen
$30 per month for services. I submitted that, ez he wuz
a interested party, other proof wood be required. Pollock
interdoost the elders of the congregashen, but I checkmated
him there, by submittin that the testimony uv niggers wuzn't
admissable, wich the court decided it wuzn't.
Immejitly Pollock submitted that whether or no his client
coodent be considered a vagrant, ez he cood testify himself to
the fact that he (Gabrel) hed in his house $200 in greenbax —
a suffishent support for a time, at least.
Ther wuz a immense eggscitement in the court.
“Wher duz he keep it?” asked the Squire, visibly agitated.
“In a chest at his house,” sed Pollock.
“This court stands adjourned for thirty minits,” sed the
Squire, boundin over the railin in front uv him. “Hold on,”
sez he; “hold on, Deekin; a fair start is all I want. Don't
-- 389 --
[figure description] Page 389.[end figure description]
take advantage uv my age to get ther first,” and pell-mell over
one another the entire audience, ceptin Pollock, the nigger,
and me, started on a keen run for the house. In a few minits
they returned, pantin and out uv breath, when the Squire
called the court to order again, wich bein restored, he remarked,
ef it cood be established that the nigger hed $200 in
greenbax it wood necessarily discharge him, ez no man with
that sum cood be considered a vagrant; but he thot ef the
prizner at the bar shood look in the direckshun uv his house,
he'd find it wuzn't ther any more, ez a house, the materyal uv
wich it wuz built wuz lyin permiskus. Likewise, probably, he
wooden't be able to find the $200 he hed in his chest. The
place that knowd it wunst will know it no more forever — it
hed been confiscated by the enraged citizens. He wanted it
understood that no such triflin impediment in the way uv justis
ez the possession uv $200 cood be allowed within the jurisdickshen
uv this court. The nigger not bein able to prove his
means uv support, and ez the court knowd uv its own knollege
that he ain't now got any $200, the court wood ask the criminal's
counsel wat other nonsense he hez to plead.
Sed Pollock, the Illinoy storekeeper, —
“I wood beg leave to state to this court that, under the
Civil Rites law, the defendant cannot be arrested ez a vagrant,
ez the law under wich the accused is arrested only menshuns
persons uv color, makin a distinkshen agin em.”
Never, while memry retains her seat, shel I forget the scene
that ensood. Filled with a sense uv the responsibility restin
onto him, the Squire rose slowly from his seat, his face uv a
deathly palenis, wich hed the effeck uv hightnin, by contrast,
the intense rednis uv his nose, and risin to his full hite, remarked
that the court hed expectid that objeckshen to be
urged, and hed, therefore, prepared fur it. That law doesn't
bind this court to any alarmin extent, considerin it ez infringin
onto the reserved rites uv the States.
“Will the court be so good ez to menshun, for the informashun
uv the populace, wat the reserved rites uv the States
are?” sez Pollock.
“The court insists that it shel not be interruptid when it's
deliverin itself uv an opinion. Considerin it ez infringin upon
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[figure description] Page 390.[end figure description]
the reserved rites uv the States, uv whom Kentucky is the
cheefest and the loveliest among ten thousand” — at this pint
his nose glowd redder, and it seemed to me ez tho a halo uv
lite encirkled his frosty head, ez he fearlessly continued —
“the court holds that law to be unconstooshnel, and ez
sich, shel not regard it. Hez the counsel anything more
to remark?”
“Nothin,” sed Pollock. “And knowin the court so well ez
I do, I wonder at my makin sich an ass uv myself ez to hev
remarkt anything at all.”
“Hez the counsel for the State anything to say?”
“Nothin,” sed I. “I am willin to trust the case in yoor
hands, feelin confident that justis — genooine Kentucky justis—
will be done.”
Whereupon the Squire hed the prizner stand up, and drawin
on a black cap, in a very impressive manner, sentenst him to
eighteen months hard labor, breakin stone on the turnpike, at
the conklushen uv wich Pollock very profanely added, “And
may the Lord hev mercy on your sole.”
The nigger wuz immejitly stript uv his good close, wich the
Squire thot wood just fit him, and a soot uv vagrant's close wuz
given him, and he wuz to-wunst put to his labor.
We hev hopes that this will end the nigger skools in this
vicinity, ez well ez the diskontent that hez eggisted among the
niggers ever since the disturbin Gabrel hez bin here. The
Corners is now enjoyin a holy calm — more so than any period
for a month.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n67* The people of Kentucky refused, for a long time, to recognize the acts
of Congress establishing the status of the negro. The courts disregarded
the provisions of the Civil Rights bill as recklessly as did 'Squire Gavitt.
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- 391 -- p635-428
CXXXII. MR. NASBY IS DESPATCHED BY THE PRESIDENT UPON A MISSION, SIMILAR TO THAT OF MR. McCRACKEN.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Febrooary 11, 1867.
[figure description] Page 391.[end figure description]
*It wuz a crooel necessity, after all, wich druv me into the
servis uv His Eggslency A. Johnson. Crooel, I say; for whenever
he hez a partikelerly mean piece uv work to perform,
suthin so inexpressibly sneakin that Seward nor Randall won't
undertake it, they alluz send for me. Welles is alluz willin;
but while he hez the disposishen to do anything in the line, he
lax the ability. The uthers, however, hev the ability to do anythin
and the disposishen to do most things, and therefore I hev
bin employed in only eggstreme cases.
The success wich attended McCracken's mishun, endin ez it
did in the resinin uv Motly, stimulated Seward to prossekute
similar researches into the actooal opinions uv the home crop
uv offisers regardin him, and his sooperior, A. Johnson. Randall
wuz applied to to take a tour among Post Masters and sich.
He declined the mishen indignantly, with the remark, “Is thy
servant a dog, or the son uv a dog, that he shood do this
thing?” And ez Welles isn't trusted out uv Washinton any
more, I wuz sent for.
The biznis required uv me wuz statid by Seward in his
usual loocid style. It wuz merely to cirkelate incognito (wich
is Latin for sneakin) among the recently appinted offis-holders,
and assertain ther views upon general politikle topics, but more
espeshally ther feelins toward the President and Sekretary uv
State. Jest ez I wuz startin, not at all pleased with the
mishen, Welles put in his oar. He wuz agoin to give me instrucshuns
ez to wat I wuz to do. Welles is a lunatik I never
-- 392 --
[figure description] Page 392.[end figure description]
cood abide, and I felt it my dooty to wither him. Transfixin
the venerable Sekretary with wun uv my most piercenist gazes,
I remarked, — “Sir! in imitashen uv the man who inflicted yoo
upon this country, wich wuz not the least uv his acts for wich
the country cusses him, I propose relatin a little anecdote.
Ther wuz wunst a man who wuz inebriatid; and that he might
present hisself in a state approximatin sobriety to the pardner
uv his buzzum, he wuz essayin to vomit, tryin thus to ease his
stumick uv the cause uv the onpleasantnis therein; but he
coodent do it. He heaved and heaved, but there wuz no
result. At this critikle period another man approacht, who
remarked, kindly, that ef he desired to vomit, his best holt
wood be to run his finger down his throat. The drunk individooal
looked up indignant at this unwarranted interference
with his constooshnel rites. `Blast yoor eyes, sir,' sed
he, `are yoo or me bossin this yer puke?'
“This, Sekretary Welles, is the anecdote. I respeck the
posishun yoo hold, and dislike sayin anythin disagreeable; but,
sir, this is a puke, and I propose to boss it myself.”
I startid to-wunst, and found things in a highly mixed condition.
The followin is compiled from my reports: In Noo York
the Postmasters generally are sound. The crops wer poor last
year; and all kinds uv biznis bein dull, the Postmasters are
generally anxious to hold on. They are, therefore, outspoken
in their support uv the coz. Them ez wuz men uv good
standin and relijusly inklined, before the rupcher between
the President and the party wich redoost him, say but very
little in publick, and that little they don't say very long. They
generally can't see that ther is any partikeler differense
between the President's plan and the plan uv Congress, and
ther bein so little, Congress ought to yeeld for the sake uv
peace. The Dimokrats, holdin sich places, are loud enough in
support uv the Administrashen; but, good Heaven! the endorsement
uv sich men is too heavy a load for any party to
carry. Now, that I think uv it, I hev at last solved the mystery
uv our wide-spread defeat last fall. In some deestricks
the Dimocrisy found Johnson too heavy a load too carry, and in
the others the Johnson men found the Dimokrisy too heavy a
load to carry.
-- 393 --
[figure description] Page 393.[end figure description]
In Ohio, the first place I stopt at wuz Oberlin, the place
where the nigger college is located at. I regret to say that
the Postmaster at that pint is a rantin Ablishnist; and in the
two hours I wuz ther, I coodent find a Conservative Republikin
who wood take it. I got one nearly perswadid; but jest ez he
wuz about to consent, his wife fell a weepin onto his buzzum,
and with tetchin pathos, wantid to kno ef he wuz willin, for
sich small pay, to leave sich a tarnisht name to the four children
now born to em and the wun wich wuz expectid? He
repentid and refoosed. I don't investigate ez fully ez I might,
for ther ain't a drop uv likker sold ther; and ez my flask give
out, I felt that doo considerashen for my health woodent permit
my stayin another hour. I recommend the abolishen uv the
office, or the establishment uv a grosery, with a bar in the back
room, ez a nukleus around wich the Dimocrisy kin rally.
The next place I cum to I found the Postmaster a suspishus
character — very suspishus. Whenever he is drunk he speaks
very highly uv the Sekretary uv State, but when sober he
avoids politikle matters. I sejest a raise in the salary uv the
offis, that he kin afford to keep drunk all the time.
At the next pint I interdoost myself ez a English nobleman
in disguise, studyin Amerikin manners and customs, and menshuned
carelessly that I hed bin to Washinton, and hed bin
presentid to the President and Sekretary uv State. The Postmaster
wuz vizably affectid. Glancin furtively around to see
that no one wuz lookin, he remarked in a low tone: “My deer
sir, don't, I beg uv yoo, form yoor idea uv the public men uv
Ameriky from them specimens. Don't, I beg. The first, sir,
is a accident — sich a man cood never hev bin made on purpose.
The second wuz suthin, in his earlier years; but now, sir, now—
he's a degradid old man,” and he bustid into tears. “Bein
determined to hold onto his place, he tried at fust to bring the
President up to his level; but that bein impossible, he deliberately
let hisself down to the level uv the President, and the
distance, sir, wuz so great, the Sekretary bein suthin, that the
shock, sir, undoubtedly knockt his intelleck out uv him, for he
ain't displayed any since. May the Lord forgive Willyum
H. Seward for the shipwreck he made uv his reputashen,
for —”
-- 394 --
[figure description] Page 394.[end figure description]
At this pint the poor man stopt. I happened to pull out my
hankercher, and in doin so dropt upon the floor a piece uv
paper, wich he seed. It read: —
“Petroleum V. Nasby, Dr.
“To G. Bascom.
| “To drinks doorin the month uv Janooary at 10 cents per drink, |
$30 00.” |
He looked at my face, and seein that that bill reely b'longed
to me, fell faintin onto the floor, shreekin, “I'm McCrackened.”
I leave the case in the hands uv the Cabinet.
Another man openly defied me. He wantid me to take the
offis off his hands. His children, he sed, wuz made mouths at
and skoffed at, at skool, becoz ther father, wich hed bin a
Republikin, held a Fedral offis, and his wife wuz defeeted for
President uv the Sewin Sosiety, a posishen she hed alluz held,
on the same akkount. He hed stood it long enuff. Ef he
coodent git it off his hands, he'd commit sooicide, and by thus
puttin hisself out uv the way, make his abuzed family the only
reparashen in his power. I sejest that he be removed. Sich
talk may be safely set down ez incendiary.
Another hed the highest possible opinion uv the President,
and worshipt the Secretary. He considered his plan uv reconstruction
the best wich cood hev bin devised by mortal wisdom.
He hed vainly striven to git a nominashen for an offis from the
Republikin party for years, but failed, owin to a lack uv confidence.
He wood hev jined the Democracy; but ez they wuz
hopelessly in the minority, it woodent hev helped him. He
considered Johnson's idea uv fillin the offises with Republikins
bully, ther bein so few uv that persuasion who'd take em, and
he didn't want any accessions to the party. Ther wuz now jist
enuff to hold the offises in control uv the President, and them
wuz all the offises they cood git any how. I sejest that he be
continyood. He isn't discreet; but we can't expect all the
virchoos at so small a price. None uv us is perfeck — I spose
I hev my failins.
I shel continyoo my investigashens, tho it is dredful tryin
labor. Goin, ez I do, thro Abolition sections, I hev to cary
my own whisky; and ez sad experience hez demonstrated,
quart flasks won't do. Sometimes I hev to lay in one uv them
-- 395 -- p635-432
[figure description] Page 395.[end figure description]
towns for three hours. I respeckfully submit, that arrangements
be made for the transportashen uv a keg uv sustenance
to accompany me; otherwise, I shel peremptorily resine. At
my time uv life my regeler supplies is necessary.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n68* In 1867 an emmisary of President Johnson prowled through Europe for the
purpose of ascertaining the feeling of our representatives at the various courts
respecting the President's policy. It was this McCracken, it will be remembered,
who brought about the resignation of Mr. Motley.
CXXXIII. MR. NASBY'S BOARD COMMENCE THE COMPILATION OF A SERIES OF SCHOOL BOOKS FOR THE “INSTITOOT. ”
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Febrooary 20, 1867.
The Institoot is a success Contribushens flow in slowly but
shoorly, — fast enuff indeed to give each uv the Board a noo
soot uv close; and we, espeshelly, who hev the fust handlin
uv that money, sevral other comforts. But that corner-stun
troubles us. Sum hundreds uv people saw that a bottle uv likker
and a greenback wuz deposited under it, and regerly every
nite it's bin overturned by persons in serch uv them relics.
At great expense we built onto it a section uv wall; but makin
no account uv our expenditoor, they overturned it. We then
histed a sign-board bearing this legend: “The whisky is gone,
and the greenback also,” signed by the Board; but one half uv
the citizens uv that lokality don't read, and tother didn't hev
the nessary confidence in the truthfulness uv the Board to
prevent em from goin for the artikles, tho the very knowlege
uv us wich brot about this state uv disbelief, shood, wun wood
suppose, hev taught em that the greenback and likker coodent
possibly be there after so long a period hed ensood. So, ez a
last resort, we stuck two posts in the ground and drawd an
iron chain over it. That got em. Force is about the only
thing uv any account in this country.
The Board met last nite at the Post Offis, wich, ontil we git
-- 396 --
[figure description] Page 396.[end figure description]
the Institoot built, will be the headquarters uv the Trustees,
to consider the propriety uv publishin a series uv skool books,
adaptid especially to the Southern intelleck, and calculated to
keep alive in the minds uv the buddin yooths uv the late Confederacy,
wich is unfortunately deceest, a lively opinion uv
themselves and a corresponding hatred uv Noo England and
the North generally. We hev hed serious doubts whether
proper ideas cood be instilled into a youth from a book written
by a Boston man, and printed in Cincinnati.
I submitted to the Board a example for a noo Arithmetic,
to wit: —
“A Yankee sent a substitoot into the Federal army at a cost
uv $1000, passing off onto him two counterfeit ten dollar notes.
To make up the expenditoor, he to-wunst swindles a innocent
Kentuckian out uv $100 in a patent rite, a Alabamian out uv
$200 in a Western land trade, and the balance he makes up by
sellin wooden nutmegs, wich he turns out uv basswood at a
profit uv 4 cents per one. The grate moral question is, how
many nutmegs must this ingenius but unprincipled cuss
manufaktur, and how long does it take him, with the improoved
machinery, they hev to do it?
“The Southern soljers, at the battle uv the first Bull Run,
captured 18 Federals, one uv whom hed upon his person
$12 in greeenbax, and tothers $8 each. How many uv Johnson's
Postmasters cood be bought with the proceeds uv the
capcher?”
Deekin Pogram approved uv these examples; but he kept
insistin that there wuzn't enuff in em to fire the Southern
heart. The Southern heart wuz a perpetooal funeral pile
wich needid continyooal firin. Onless fired it wuz a gloomy
mass uv very onsightly black cinders. He proposed that the
forthcoming book shood be coal oil on the slumberin embers uv
the yoothful Southern heart. He hed a example: —
“The battle uv Chickamauga wuz fought a certain number
uv miles from Chattanooga. One regiment uv Confedrit soljers
druv a division uv Fedral mercenaries into the town. Allowin
that each Fedral, ez well ez Confedrit, hed two legs, how many
more steps did the Fedrals take to get em into Chattanooga,
where they wuz comparatively safe from Confedrit
-- 397 --
[figure description] Page 397.[end figure description]
rage and valor, and sich, than it did the Confedrits to drive
em thar?”
Bascom remarkt that he hed one wich he felt it his dooty to
propose: —
“A strickly conscienshus grocery keeper starts in biznis
worth four hundred dollars in clean cash. He pays for his
whiskey two dollars per gallon in Looisville, and hez for a
reglar customer a Postmaster, wich drinks forty or sixty times
per day, and alluz tells him to `jist chalk it down.' Required
the length uv time nessary to bust him under them afflictin
circumstances?”
Bascom remarkt that long before the book appears in print,
he wood be able to furnish the anser to that little problem. Considerin
the example a dig direct at me, I wuz uv a noshen to
retort; but ther wuz sich a look uv injerd innosense onto
Bascom's countenance that reely I coodent. Suthin must be
done for Bascom, — I hev lived onto him too long. The next
contribushen I reseeve from frends North shel be devoted to
liquidating, in part, the debt I owe him. I cood bust him, by
not givin him at least cost for his likker; but wat follows?
There's the rub. Wood he who come after give me credit?
Better bear the ills we hev than fly to them to wich we hevn't
bin interdoost.
Joe Bigler, the drunken Confedrit soljer, happened in, and
heard the last two examples, and remarkt that he cood furnish
any number uv examples at site. We never stop Joseph in
anything he perposes to do, for he hez a habit uv carryin a
navy revolver slung to him. Joseph wuz permitted to perceed.
“Ef a Southern man pants for his rites, and fites four years
for em, gittin licked like the devil, how long after is it advisable
for him to continyoo to pant, pervidid he didn't know at the
beginnin wat his rites wuz?
“Ef a Southern soljer kin whip five Northern soljers, why in
bloody thunder, they hevin hed a suffishency uv opportoonities
uv doin it, didn't the South gain her independence?
“Ef fitin four years, and loosin every doggoned cent's
worth uv property a man hed wuz profitable biznis, how many
struggles for independence wood a man uv modrit means be
justified in goin thro with?
-- 398 --
[figure description] Page 398.[end figure description]
“Ef two gallons and a half uv Kentucky whisky kin be got
from a bushel uv corn, how many Democratic voters, takin
young men ez they run, kin be manufaktured from the produck
uv an aker uv good land in a modrit year for corn?
“A high-toned shivelrous Virginian, twenty years ago, hed a
female slave wich wuz ez black ez a crow, and worth only
$800. Her progeny wuz only half ez black ez a crow, and her
female grandchildren wuz suffishently bleached to sell in Noo
Orleans for $2500 per female offspring. Required, 1st. The
length uv time nessary to pay off the Nashnel debt by this
means. 2d. The number uv years nessary to bleach the cuss
of color out uv the niggers uv the United States
“A. Johnson hed the idea uv carryin a certin number uv
deestricks, by speekin in em with Seward, all uv wich gave
increased majorities agin him. Required the number uv miles
uv travel, and the number uv repetitions uv the speech, to
enable him to carry out his policy?
“Ef two nips at Washinton wuz suffishent to perdoose the
speech at the inaugerashen on the 4th uv March, 1865, how
many must have bin slung into A. J. to perdoose the 22d uv
Febrooary effort, and how many must be hev taken between
Washinton and St. Louis?”
“These examples,” sed Joseph, “I consider nessary for this
book; and ef it is published without em I shel take it ez a
personal affront, for which I shel hold the Board personelly
responsible. The Southern yooth must be properly instructed—
my orphans must hev proper notions instilled into em, and
these examples is nessary to that end. Let this Board remember
that, when this book is publisht, ef these examples is not
in them, they hev me to settle with.”
And Joseph departed. We are in a quandary. We dare
not publish the book without his examples, for he alluz keeps
his word, and is a ugly cuss to deal with; and uv course puttin
em in coodent be thought uv. We finally decided that Joseph
must be got out uv the way ez soon ez possible, and therefore
votid that Bascom give him unlimited credit at his bar for a
week, chargin the same upon the account uv the Institoot. I
know that a free run at his barrels would finish me or any one
uv the Board in that time. Happy Bigler! He hez at least
-- 399 -- p635-436
[figure description] Page 399.[end figure description]
one satisfactry week afore him, — I cood almost wish the
Board wood try it on me. It wood be a short but glorious
career.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
CXXXIV. MR. NASBY DESIRES CONFIRMATION. — IS ADVISED HOW TO PROCEED BY THE PRESIDENT, BUT REJECTS THE PROPOSITION WITH SCORN.
Washington, D. C., March 20, 1867.
*Washington agin! What changes hev been made in the
last two years! Not in Washington, for this deliteful abode
uv official purity hezn't changed a particle, nor never will.
From the summit uv Willard's Hotel I kin see now, ez I did a
year ago, the same signs uv “steamed oysters;” the Capitle,
in front, towrin over the trees at the tother end uv the avenue,
and behind, the Patent Offis and Post Offis buildings; the first
the Mecca uv every Dimokrat, and the tother uv every
Yankee who comes here. No! Washington ain't changed,
but I hev. Formerly, when I visited Washington, it wuz tite
times with me. Willard's wuz my hotel then ez now. In them
days, before the happy return uv A. Johnson to reason put
some thousands uv Democrats, who hed more stumic than
money, and more appetite than small change, into offis, and,
per consekence, into condition to pay their bills, I wuz a guest
at this hotel; which is to say, I slept on the steps uv the
Capitol, and took, or tried to take, my meals at Chadwick's
bountiful board. Ef I hed no currency, I hed taste; and ez I
-- 400 --
[figure description] Page 400.[end figure description]
wuz foragin for subsistence, I alluz made it a pint to forage on
the richest paster fields. It's ez easy to cheek a first class
dinner ez it is a second class; and besides, I felt that sich a
hotel ez Willard's wuz better able to stand sich boarders ez I
wuz than them of less patronage. I kept away from the
tother hotels out of sympathy for the proprietors. Never shel
I forget my last visit here. I hed run the dinin-room guardian
angel for a week, and wuz congratulatin myself on another
week at least, when the landlord stopped me hisself, and the
follerin conversashen ensood: —
“My friend,” sed he, in winnin tones.
“Davis, Garret, is my name!” sez I, promptly.
“We hear enuff,” sez he. “Listen! I've let you run a
week, coz it's my regler practis. Yoo hed a hungry look, but
by this time yoo ought to be filled up and able to go at least a
week without eatin. Ez yoo ain't uv no earthly yoose to any
body, and make no pretensions to bein ornamental — Git!” and
three well-directed kicks landed me onto the sidewalk.
But I hev forgiven him. He treats me well. He hez confidence
in me now, ez I hev paid my board in advance. It's a
rool he hez, he jocosely remarked, with men of my peculiar
cast uv countenance, to hev em pay in advance. He says it's
much the best way. After payin, sich men ez me feel more
comfortable about the house, and so do the proprietors. It's
me that is changed, — I hev money to pay my bills. Bless the
Lord for Seward, Johnson, Randall, and other luxuries!
But pleasant ez it is to contrast my former posishen with my
present proud one, I hev not time to dwell upon reminiscences.
Life is short; I am a practical man; and tho it may be pleasant
to linger for a moment onto memry's pleasant fields, I cannot.
My biznis in Washington is precisely what every Democrat's
biznis here is, to get confirmed. It ain't no trouble for a
Kentucky Dimecrat to git appinted, for the President hez so
far relaxed his rules in this pertikeler ez to appint them ez
wuzn't never in the Confedrit army; but to get confirmed is the
pinch. There's the gauntlet uv a Ablishen Senit to run; and,
good Lord, wat a knowlege they hev uv the out-goins and
in-comins of the appintees!
The President and Postmaster-General Randall wuz
-- 401 --
[figure description] Page 401.[end figure description]
extremely anxious for my confirmation, so much so, that they
advised me to resort to the strategy now so common in the
North.
“Go back on me for the time bein,” sed that trooly great
and good man who adorns the sofas in the Presidenshul Manshen.
“Wilcox em. That's yoor only holt: Wilcox em. I
advised him to do it, and see how it worked.”
“My dear sir,” sed I, carried away by this new and onexpected
development uv greatness, “kin yoo bear to hev me
who bears yoor banner in Kentucky bend the knee to a
Ablishen Senit, and repoodiate yoo, even for a hour? It is
safe in my case, for my nateral affinities are with yoo, but don't,
I beg uv yoo, advise all uv em to do so. My deer sir, two
thirds uv em will go out for confirmashen, and, ef successful,
will forgit to return.”
But the great and good Johnson wood take no denials.
“Draw up,” sed he, “a letter to a conservative member uv
Congress, explainin yoor connection with me, and —”
And overkum with emoshen, he bust into tears.
Sadly I undertook the task, and after four hours uv intense
labor, the followin wuz completed: —
“Hon. —, House uv Reps.
“My dear Sir: My confirmashen by the Senit uv the
Yoonited States to the posishen uv Postmaster at the Confederit
× Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, bein somewhat
jeopardized by my operashuns in the politikle field doorin
the past two years, I hev the honor to explain that, notwithstandin
the fact that I wuz a original Demokrat, early in the
war I took up arms for the preservashen uv our beloved
Yoonion. The precise date I cannot give, owin to the demoralized
condishen uv my mind at the time; but that yoo
can assertane for yoorselves. It wuz about two weeks after
the fust draft. That I laid down arms agin ez soon ez the
regiment struck Southern sile will not, when the motives wich
actooated me are known, be allowed to weigh agin me. It hez
bin sed I deserted to the enemy, — so it wuz sed uv John
Champe, but history subsekently vindicated him; he went to
ketch Arnold. I will not stop to reply to my defamers; but
-- 402 --
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ef it comes out finally that I went for the purpose uv satisfyin
rebels by okular demonstrashun that they hed nothin to hope
for from the Northern Democrats, uv whom I am a average
specimen, what kin my enemies say then?
“I do not deny that I wuz a ardent supporter uv President
Johnson from the beginning uv his career. I wuz filled with
a drafted man's magnanimity toward a conkered foe, and up to
the very day I reseeved my commishen I favored consilatory
measures. I accompanied him on his — I will not say disgraceful,
for he is my sooperior officer — tour thro the Northern
States, and slung my hat higher nor anybody else's at his—
I will not say drunken, for reasons above mentioned —
speeches, and aboozed the highly intelligent populaces at
Cleveland, Injeanapolis, Springfield, and other pints, in a manner
wich, now that I think uv it, wuz trooly shameful. Also, I
organized the Postmasters uv various Northern States into
a Johnson party, and vigorously supported members uv Congress
pledged to the policy uv wich I wuz, at the time, a
deceeved supporter. About this time I wuz appointed Postmaster;
and, findin I needed confirmashen, my views undergoed
a radical change. Time and observashen hev taught me
that instid uv consiliashen, coershen is our best holt; and that
now military measures are necessary in the South ontil them
rebellyus people completely acquiesce in terms imposed by
Congris for restorashen. My views on this interestin topic is
best defined by the recent speeches uv Hon. Charles Sumner,
the eminent and trooly great Senator from the enlitened State
uv Massachusetts, and also by the recent utterances uv them
lovable Representatives, Thadeus Stevens, uv Pennsylvania,
and General Butler, uv Massachoosetts, in all uv whose sentiments,
sich as they hev now, and also them ez they hev alluz
hed, as well ez them which they may hereafter hev, I most
heartily and entirely concur.
“With this explanation, wich I hope will prove entirely
satisfactory, and with the addishnel asshoorance that I am
now a very warm supporter of the Congressional policy, and
that when I look back and see what I hev bin a doin for the
past two years, I so loathe myself that I kin hardly be
-- 403 --
[figure description] Page 403.[end figure description]
restrained from sooisidin, may I ask you to personnaly urge my
confirmation in the Senit?
“Trooly and Respectfully Yours,
“Petroleum V. Nasby.”
I read this epistle to A. Johnson, who wuz pleased to
approve it, and also to Randall, who wuz delited with it, and to
Welles, who, after forcing me to read it twice over, wanted to
know if it had anything to do with the Navy Department, and
then returned to the President with my mind fully made up
that I never would send that document.
“Wat?” sed he, startin back astonished, “not send it?”
“Never!” sed I. “Never! Sich things may do for Postmasters
and Assessors wich you took from the Republican
ranks, but not for me. I hev done many things wich perhaps
woodn't hold out sixty pounds to the bushel — I voted for
Peerce and likewise for Bookannon, and supported em in all
their various dooins, besides other things too tejus to menshun;
but my sensitive soul recoils at this, — my proud
stumick revolts. I leave it for yoor Custers and Wilcoxes
and sich, — no Kentucky Dimokrat kin. Let them refooze to
confirm me at their peril. I am the only Dimocrat in ten miles
who kin write, and they dare not, by turning me out, deprive
Kentucky, wich never seceded, uv mail facilities.”
“Brave man!” exclaimed Johnson, in a husky voice, and his
eyes suffused with tears, fallin onto my neck and weepin profoosely
down my back, “let em reject yoo. Ef they do, I
pledge yoo my word, and will give yoo sekoority now if yoo
desire it, that yoo shell hev a partnership with Mrs. Cobb, or
Mrs. Perry, wich is worth a score uv post offices.”
I hev allus noticed that virchoo is its own reward. By bein
troo, wot a feeld is now open to me. Let the Senit do its
worst.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n69* It was easy enough in 1866-7 for a Republican of any prominence, who was
willing to support Johnson, to get an appointment, but how to secure confirmation
by the Senate was the rub. Many men of easy virtue, accomplished the
desired confirmation by abandoning Johnson, after the appointment was made.
Wilcox and Custar were two of the most prominent examples.
-- 404 -- p635-441
CXXXV. MR. NASBY TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 25, 1867.
[figure description] Page 404.[end figure description]
“Backerd, turn backerd, O Time, in yoor flite,” is the fust
line uv a song wich I heerd not long since. Wood that Time
cood perform that back ackshen feat, and get us all back wher
we wuz six years ago. But Time can't. Time is a perpetooal
moshen, wich must go on and on, and wich can't never retrace
her steps.
The situashen ain't pertickelerly agreeable jist now. It
hezn't a joocy look, nor does it promise an improvement in
the future. The confidence uv the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky
is shaken to the extent that it's lost its equilibrium, and
totters to its centre. When it falls, I shel be found under
the rooins.
The passage of the Military Law may be sed to be the last
feather wich reely ought to break the Kentucky camel's back.
It's the deepest stab at constooshnel liberty and ekal rites,
inezmuch ez it not only blasts forever the hopes uv re-establishin
slavery, but gives the nigger all the rites and privileges
enjoyed by white men. We, who are chiefly interested, are
not to be consulted in the matter. Fedral hirelins, whose very
presence is pizen to the people uv these States, are to be quartered
onto us to see that “justis” — wat holler mockry! — is
done to em. The governments established by Androo Johnson
is overturned ef they don't play the fiddle to military satraps,
and accept the Constooshnel Amendment, wich perhibits
them who wuz our champions in the late effort to destroy a
government wich we hatid, from takin hold uv it agin and
runnin it. Wuz ther ever sich a mixter uv injustis and perscripshen?
Wuz ther ever sich severity? Wuz ther ever
sich a lack uv magnanimity? And all this time where is Johnson?
He vetoed these bills, — but wherefore? He knowd
that the Rump Congress hed a majority uv two thirds, and
cood pass em over his veto; why, then, when they set his
-- 405 --
[figure description] Page 405.[end figure description]
authority at defiance, didn't he rise in his might and disperse
em? Where, too, wuz the Dimocrisy uv the North? Where
are they in this crisis, when our dearest rites is bein shiprecked
on the iron-bound rocks uv despotism? Why don't
they rally, ez they threatened, and demand that Johnson shel
hurl them levelers from their usurped seats, and restore peace,
on sich terms ez we shall consider ekitable, to this wunst
happy, but now distracted, country. Alas! they hevn't time.
I see them who breathed so much vengence and slawtrins
afore Johnson hed offices to dispose uv, a neglectin us, and a
runnin about gittin signatoors to applicashens for Post Offises,
and hollerin to us ez they ketch their breath, —
“Accept the condishens — git back into the Yoonion, that
we may elect the President in 1868, who'll give us all the
patronage!”
Their noosepapers all shreek, —
“Accept, and get back into the Yoonion, that we may elect
the next President, who'll give us all the patronage!”
And that ain't the worst uv it. Them wich we bought up
with appintments diskivered on a sudden that a Abolition Senit
hed to confirm em, and to sekoor that they hev gone back
onto us. Custer is a shinin example, Wilcox is another, and I
mite menshun hundreds uv others who hev slid back in the
same manner.
Troy wuz taken by the strategy uv the Greeks, who exposed
a wooden horse, in the bowels uv wich wuz conceeled armed
men, wich the verdant Troys pulled inside their gates. Androo
Johnson wuz the wooden horse wich wuz sent into our
camp by the Ablishnists, and the offices wuz the armed men
in his bowels. They hev bin our rooin. So long ez they wuz
in the dim distance, the Democracy wuz hungry and feroshus,
and capable uv almost anythin — so soon ez they got em, they
become quiet ez lambs. The Postmaster who holds a commishn
sez to himself, “Wherefore shel I bust the Government
under wich I hev a place? Kin I git another under the new
one?” and he yells to us, “Accept the terms!” We capchered
the camp uv the enemy, but are demoralized by the
plunder we found. It's the old trick, over agin, these offices,
which the white men yoost to play onto the Injins, to wit: —
-- 406 --
[figure description] Page 406.[end figure description]
evacuatin a posishen and leavin a barrel uv whiskey behind,
knowin that the Injin's instincts, like them uv a Kentucky
Dimokrat's, wood lead him to git blind drunk, and make him a
easy prey to the skelpin knife. The offisis wuz the whiskey
wich intoxicated our braves; and our skelps, so to speek, hang
at the belts uv our enemies. Sumner hez many, Thad Stevens
hez many, and Butler is a gatherin uv em with a rapidity wonderful
to behold.
But wat marks the demoralizashen uv the Dimocrisy the
most, is the follerin extract wich I cut from the Noo York
World, wunst our trusted organ.
“As regards the popular notion of the odor of the negro, it
may be positively stated that he, in this respect, is like the
white, — a clean negro bein free from it, and a foul one
cursed by it.”
Ef this be troo — ef the nigger don't stink, then Noah got
drunk, and Ham wuz cust, in vane — then Paul sent back
Onesimus for nothin, and Hager is uv no more interest to the
Dimocrisy than any other female who hez bin dead several
thousand years. The Dimocratic party wuz built upon this
stink; and ef that corner-stun is knocked out, the temple falls,
and buried all beneath its rooins who are sheltered under it,
uv whom I am the cheefest and the loveliest among ten
thousand.
At one fell swoop the wind is knockt out uv the sales uv the
Northern Dimocrisy. Wat is the nigger now to them ef he
does not stink? “Popler noshen,” indeed! Trooly it wuz a
popler noshen. That stink led hundreds uv thousands uv
Democrats by the nose. That “odor” — ez the writer styles
it — wuz our best holt, and wun wich wuz everything to us.
That stink wuz all that elevated the Demokrat over the nigger—
that wuz our mark of sooperiority. We, at times, wuz not
uv the precise odor uv Nite-bloomin serious. A Democratic
mass convenshen, when in a tite room, with two stoves in it,
wuz not the most odorous gatherin in the world; but we
thanked God continyooally that the smell wich ariz ez the
room got hot wuz not the pecooliar aroma uv the nigger, and
we wuz comforted. But this writer redooses the whole thing
-- 407 --
[figure description] Page 407.[end figure description]
— the whole difference between the nigger and a Democrat —
to a matter of color and cleanliuess.. Wat heresy! Wat
iconaclasm! (this last word meanin, I believe, idol breakin, or
suthin uv that sort). Ef this be troo, then in the nite time, a
nigger with his feet washed is better than a Democrat! For one,
now I care not ef Dr. Cummins' “Last Warnin Cry” be trooly
the last. I'm sorry that he rented his house for ninety-nine
years, ez it hez a tendency to destroy my faith in his beleef
that the world is about peggin out. The sooner Gabrel blows
his horn the better I shel be sooted.
Here agin this matter uv State offisis comes in. The Dimocrisy
uv Noo York see that nigger suffrage is inevitable, and
to sekoor their share uv it, they're biddin in time; forgettin
that while they're acheevin a temporary success on that side
uv the cirkle we're losing all control uv the niggers on this.
Wat did the South ever care for Dimokratic successes, 'ceptin
ez it bolstered up their niggers?
I'm discouraged. I see afore me trouble. I see but one or
two streeks uv lite on my horizon. Ohio won't let her niggers
vote no how, and sum other States are in the same fix, and
possibly this ackshen may be the sign uv returnin reason.
Ohio may, after all, be the rock agin wich the waves uv
fanatakism may beet in vane, and conservatism, gatherin
strength there, may finally assert itself elsewhere. May the
Lord send it, for ef this thing goes on, I'm a lost and rooined
man.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
-- 408 -- p635-445
CXXXVI. MR. NASBY, IN IMITATION OF WADE HAMPTON, TRIES TO CONCILIATE THE AFRICAN.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 28, 1867.
[figure description] Page 408.[end figure description]
I hev made many sudden and rather 'strordinary changes
in politix — some so very sudden that the movement perdoost
conjestion uv the conshence. I rekollect wunst uv advokatin
free trade and high protective tariff, all within twelve hours
(I made a speech in a agricultooral deestrik uv Noo York in
the forenoon, at 10 A. M., and in a manufacturin town in Pennsylvany
in the evenin, our platform bein so construktid that
both sides cood find a endorsement in it), and hev performed
many other feats uv moral gymnastiks; but this last change I
hev bin called upon to make is probably the suddenest. Last
week Toosday, Deekin Pogram, Captain McPelter, and I, wuz
engaged in riddin the Corners uv niggers. We hed endoord
em ez long ez we thot possible, and determined on standin it
no longer. Selectin three, wich we wuz satisfied hed too much
spellin-book into em to be enslaved agin, we wuz preparin
notises to be served onto em, orderin em to leave in twenty-four
hours, when I reseeved in the northern mail a letter
marked “Free — Alex. W. Randell, P. M. G.” I knowd it wuz
offishel to-wunst — that blessid signatoor is on my commisshun,
and I've contemplatid it too often to be mistaken in it. Its
contents wuz brief, and run thus: —
“To all Postmasters in the Southern States: The niggers
hev votes — consiliashen is our best holt. See to it.”
This breef, tho not hard to be understood order, wuz sealed
with the offishel seal uv the Post Offis Department, stampt into
putty instid uv wax, to wit: a loaf of bread, under a roll uv
butter, with ten hands a grabbin at it. I comprehended the
situation at site, and set about doin my dooty with Spartan
firmness. “Deekin,” sez I, tearin up the notises, “these niggers
we hev misunderstood. They are not a inferior race —
they are not descendants uv Ham and Hager — it wuzn't Paul's
-- 409 --
[figure description] Page 409.[end figure description]
idea in sendin back Onesimus to condemn him to servitood —
we hev misunderstood the situation, and must make amends.
The nigger is devoid uv smell, and is trooly a man and a
brother!”
“Wat?” said the Deekin, tippin back in amazement.
“Jest wat I say,” sez I. “Read that,” and I flung him the
letter.
The upshot uv the conference wich follered wuz the callin
uv a meetin the next nite, at wich all the Ethiopians uv the
Corners wuz invited and urged to be present.
The trouble wuz to git the niggers to attend the meetin.
The fust one I spoke to lafft in my face, and askt me how long
it wuz sence I hed helped hang a couple uv niggers, by way
uv finishin off a celebrashen. Pollock, the Illinois storekeeper,
got hold uv it, and told Joe Bigler, and Joe swore that ef the
niggers hedn't any more sense than we give em credit for, in
sposin we cood bamboozle em so cheep, he shood go back to
the old beleef, to wit: that they wuz only a sooperior race uv
monkeys, after all; and by nite every nigger in the visinity
wuz postid thoroughly, and out uv all uv em I cood only git
four who would promise to attend, and them the Deekin hed to
pay $2 apiece to. To give it eclaw I promised one uv em $5
(to be paid at the close uv the meetin) to sit on the stand with
me, wich, bein a very poor man, and hevin a sick wife in a
shanty near by, who wuz suffering for medicine (wich he
coodent git without money), he accepted.
At this pint an idee struck me. I remembered Philadelfy,
and determined to hev a scene rivalin the Couch and Orr biznis.
“Another thing, Cuff. Understand that it's a part uv the
bargain that when in my speech I turn to yoo and stomp, yoo
must rise and embrace me.”
“Wat?” sez he.
“Fall into my arms, lovin-like — yoo understand — jest as
tho we wuz long-lost brothers!”
“Scuse me!” sed he. “I'se a mity low nigger, and wants
to buy de old woman some quinine, and wood do most anything
foah dat; but, golly, dat's too much!”
“Not a cent,” sed I, sternly, assoomin my most piercinist
gaze; “onless this is included!”
-- 410 -- p635-447
[figure description] Page 410.[end figure description]
“Well,” returned he, sulkily, “ef I must, I speck I must;
but, golly —”
The nite arrived, and the meetin-house wuz full. We thot
fust uv holding it in the chapel uv the College, but give up the
idea ez impracticable, ez, owin to the dillytorinis uv our Northern
friends in forwardin sich subscripshens ez they hev raised, we
hevent got no further with the bildin than layin the corner-stun.
In the front wuz the four niggers, all in clean shirts,
and on the stand wuz the nigger I hed engaged. Over the
platform, wuz the follerin mottoes: —
“In Yoonion ther is strength — For President in 1868, Fernando
Wood. For Vice President, Frederick Duglis.”
“In the nigger, strength — In the Caucashen, beauty — In
the mulatter, who is trooly the noblest uv the human species —
both.”
In addishen to these, we dug up all the old mottoes wich
Jefferson writ, about yooniversal liberty and sich, wich hedn't
bin quoted in Kentucky for twenty years, and postid em up;
in brief, hed Wendell Phillips' blessed sperit bin a hoverin over
that meetin-house, it wood hev smiled approvinly.
I spoke to em elokently on the yooniversal brotherhood uv
mankind, holdin that whatever else cood be sed, Adam wuz the
father uv all mankind, and that the only difference between a
white man and a nigger wuz, the nigger wuz sun-burnt. The
nigger, I remarkt, wuz, ondoubtedly, origenally white; but
hevin bin, sence his arrival in this country, addicted to agricultooral
persoots, he hed become tanned to a degree wich, tho
it marred his physikle beauty, did not interfere with his sterlin
goodnis uv heart. Ther hed bin differences between the races—
at times ther hed bin onpleasantnises wich no one regretted
more than I. The whites uv the Corners hed not alluz bin ez
considrit ez I cood hev wished. They hed flogd sevral uv em,
and hung many more, and in times past hed held em in slavery
and sich; but that shood not be thot uv at this happy time.
It wuz constooshnel to do these things then, and Kentucky
wuz eminently a law-abidin State. “Here,” sez I, “on this
platform, with the flag uv our common country over me, I declare
eternal friendship to the colored man, and to seel the
declarashen I thus embrace —”
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 411 --
[figure description] Page 411.[end figure description]
The obstinit nigger didn't stir a step.
“Come up and fling yoor arms around me, you black cuss,”
sed I, in a stage whisper. “Come up!”
“No yoo don't, boss!” sed the nigger, in a loud voice, wich
wuz audible all over the church, and holdin out his hand. “I
can't trust yoo a bressid minit. Gib me de $5 fust. Yoo owe
dis chile foah dollars now fo' sawin wood fo' yoah post offis, and
ef we's a gwine to hab our rites de fus yoose I shel put mine
to will be the gittin dat money. Pay up fus, and de 'brace
afterward. I can't do sich a disagreeable ting widout de cash
in advance.”
This ruther destroyed the effect. The unities wuzn't preserved.
The niggers in front bust out in a torturing laff, and
Pollock and Bigler rolld in convulsions uv lafture, in wich half
uv our people joined. Me a standin petrified, in the attitood
of embracin, and that cussed nigger standin with his hand extended
for the money, with the Deekin and Bascom horrorstruck
jist behind, formed a tabloo wich wuz more strikin than
pleasant.
The meetin wuz to-wunst adjourned, for it wuz evident to
the dullest comprehenshen that nothin more coodent be done
that nite. Es yoosual I failed for want uv capital. Hed I bin
possesst uv the paltry sum uv five dollars, how diffrent wood
hev bin the result! Perchance we may, thro that defishency,
lose Kentucky. It must never occur agin — my salary must
be raised. I can't make brix without straw.
Joe Bigler met me next mornin, and remarkt that he regrettid
the occurrence, ez he ardently desired to see the two races a
pullin together. “The fault, Perfessor,” sed he, “wuz in not
managin properly. The next time yoo want a 'spectable nigger
to sit on the platform with yoo and the Deekin, or kiss or
embrace yoo — git him drunk. He'll do it then, probably —
I know he will. Ef he's drunk enuff, he'll hurrah for Johnson,
and it's possible to git em down to the pint uv votin with yoo.
Lord! how whiskey drags a man down. See wat it's brot yoo
to!” and the insultin wretch rolled off, laffin boisterously.
“Git em drunk, Perfesser!” he yelled ez long ez he cood
see me.
We don't intend to give it up. Bigler's advice wuz given
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in jest; but, nevertheless, I shel act upon it. Whiskey is wat
brings white men to us; and ef a white man kin be thus capchered,
why not a nigger? The Afrikin hezn't got ez far to
fall to git down to our level, and it'll take less to bring him.
Bascom ordered five barrels to-day, wich I spose the Administrashen
will pay for. We hev yet the Noo York Custom
House, and more uv the perkesits must be yoosed for politikle
purposes.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
CXXXVII. THE CONNECTICUT ELECTION.
Washington, April 7, 1867.
*The news uv the election in Connecticut created the most
profound sensashen at the Corners. It cum to us onexpected,
like a clap uv thunder from a clear sky, like a gleam uv sunlite
thro a mass uv overpowrin black clouds, or like the first
streak uv sunlite in the mornin after a long nite uv cholera
morbus with no brandy in the house. The Corners hevn't
experienct sich a satisfactory spasm uv joy sence the receet
uv the news uv the Fort Piller affair. It perdoost a very
singler effect on Deekin Pogram. When I told the news, he
wuz engaged a trying to convince a nigger, wich formerly
belonged to him, that, after all, the Southerners themselves
wuz the only ones wich the niggers cood trust; and that when
the time cum for em to exercise the 'lective franchise, ef they
hed any regard for their own interests they wood turn their
backs on the Ablishnists, who wuz, to a man, hory headed
deceevers, and trust them only who knowd em.
-- 413 --
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“Samyooel,” sed the Deekin, in a affecshunit tone, with one
hand on the nigger's shoulder, “why shoodent we love yoo?
Yoo are bone uv our bone, and flesh uv our flesh — we are uv
one blood —” (this remark the Deekin got into a habit some
years ago uv gittin off when speekin uv the Dimocrisy North,
and alluz uses it. It is ruther effective, tho in this instance,
ef I hed bin in his place, I shoodent hev slung it out, owin to
the pecooliar construckshen wich mite be put onto it) — “and
our interests is one, Samyooel.”
“Deekin,” sez I, interruptin him. “Deekin! Connecticut
hez spoken in thunder tones, and hez gone Dimocratic!” —
“Wat!” sez he, “Dimocratic?”
“Verily,” sez I. “A Governer, and three Congressmen out
of four.”
Ther wuz a sudden rupcher uv the friendly relashens existin
between the Deekin and Samyooel the dark complexioned. If
he wuz uv the Deekin's flesh, the Deekin wuz in favor of
mortifyin it; for never wuz flesh so belabored ez wuz that
unfortunit chattel's. The flesh wuz imejitly lasserated. He
pitched into him feroshus; and after pummelin the astonished
Afrikin, who didn't see why the result of a eleckshun shood
work sich a change, till he wuz out uv breath, he condenst wat
strength wuz remainin into one vigrous kick, exclaimin, —
“Take that, yoo black swindler. I've talked sweet to yoo
under false pretenses. I've bin betrayed into wastin soft
sawder onto a nigger — into coaxin wher I hev a ondeniable
rite to command — into —”
“Wat does all dis mean?” sed the nigger, faintly.
“Mean!” sed I to him; “my frend, this is the reaction
we've heard so much about — it's arriv. It means that there
is a exceedinly good chance uv yoor bein redoost agin to yoor
normal speer; uv yoor comin down from the high hoss yoove
bin a ridin, and uv bein agin a servant unto yoor brethren. It
means that Connecticut hez spoken, and that yoor a good deal
more valyooable to us now than yoo wuz a hour ago. Go, my
friend, and buy salve for yoor brooses; for unless yoor heeled
yoor valyoo will be less in the markit. Yoo'd be ashamed to
sell for a low price — woodent yoo?”
I left the Dimocrisy jubilatin, and come on to Washinton.
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The nite I arrived there wuz high carnival at the White
House. The President wuz in tall feather. There wuz
Connecticut visible all over him. He hed a wooden nutmeg
for a buzzum pin — a minatoor bass-wood ham hung from his
watch fob, and in honor uv the occashun they wuz drinkin
punches made of Noo England rum, with small slices uv
Wethersfield onyuns in em insted uv lemons. Randall sprung
toward me ez I entered the room, and clasped me by one hand,
the President by tother, and we then — not altogether onlike
the three graces — embraced. They hed the advantage uv
me, ez they hed one odor — the onion — wich I hedent, but I
stood it. Why not, when that odor wuz from the breaths of
those hevin the apintin power? I wood hev stood it hed they
bin eatin assafœtida.
At this juncter Sekretary Welles come in.
“Ha!” said he, “why this unwonted hilarity? why this joy
wher greef generally holds her courts?”
“The Connecticut elecshun,” said Seward.
“O, to be sure,” sed the venerable old man, vacantly; “I
remember. Hawley, wuz it, or some other man who wuz
elected over — over — wat wuz his name? — our candidate?”
“That wuz last yeer!” sed Seward, angrily.
“Well, perhaps it wuz. When did that State vote agin?”
asked he, innocently, to wich no anser wuz given. But very
little attention is paid to Sekretary Welles by any one 'ceptin
Seward; and the fact that he occasionally undertakes to keep
him postid in current events is ginerally taken ez evidence
that he's breakin up. It's evident that he's passin into his
dotage.
There wuz a pleasant gatherin. Cowan wuz ther, and Saulsbury,
and Garret Davis, and Doolittle, and Seymour, and Brooks,
and congratulatory letters wuz read. John C. Breckinridge
hoped this auspicious event wuz the beginnin uv good feelin,
presagin, ez he trusted it did, the evenchooel triumph uv
them wich he hed alluz bin proud to call his friends. Mayor
Monroe, uv Noo Orleens, hoped that, after this evidence uv
returnin reason, President Johnson wood not hesitate to remove
that second Butler, General Sheridan, who wuz ojus to
every friend the President had in the city uv wich he wuz
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lately Mayor. General Wise sent his congratulashens; but ez
they okkepied thirty-eight pages uv legal cap paper, closely
written, they wuzn't read. Mosby sent a allegoricle pipe
made uv a corn cob, onto wich wuz carved a symbolicle nigger,
with the American eagle, a clawin vishusly into his wool,
with his congratulations; and Fernando Wood, and Jesse
D. Brite, and Dan Voorhees, sent theirn, and Vallandigham
wanted to know now whether or not the President wuz a goin
to accept the situashen, and take the Dimocratic party to his
buzzum? Ef so, he hed a list uv apintments for Southern
Ohio, wich he wished made. At this pint the question arose
whether or not I hed not better move my Classicle and Military
Institoot to Connecticut? I am a practicle man, and I to-wunst
asked, ez pertinent to the question, whether or not ther wuz a
distillery in Connecticut; and sekond, whether or not ther
wuz a vacant post offis within four miles uv it.
Sekretary Randall replied. He woodent hold out indoosements
that he coodent fulfill. He wuz honest. Honesty wuz
his best holt — simple, childlike strate-forwardniss in his deelins
in politix wuz his cheef failin, and hed well nigh been his
rooin. The first query wuz easy to anser — the eleckshun
returns wood indicate to any man uv ordinary intellek that
ther wuz distilleries either in Connecticut or very handy to
the State; but ther wuz no Post Offisis to spare. To carry the
State every wun of em hed bin solemnly promised.
The President remarkt that he reely shoodent think that
triflin circumstance wood interfere with givin uv em to other
men.
At this pint I broke in. I told em firmly that onless I cood
hev a better post offis than the wun I hed, I woodent go. I
cood go and cood move wat there is uv the College bildins.
It woodent cost much to pay freight on that corner-stun. I
spose a better one cood be got in Connecticut at less than the
cost uv transportin it, but wherever that Dimocratic College is
built that must be the corner stun uv it. That stun is hallowed.
Ther are tender assosiashens hangin round it. It wuz the
corner-stun uv a nigger school-house wich we burnt to the
ground the nite we heard uv the veto uv the Civil Rites Bill.
But I won't go to Connecticut onless my subsistence is
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asshoored. Ther is more money ther than in Kentucky; but I
doubt whether they wood support me ez well. I kin understand
why a man kin be a Dimocrat in Kentucky — he's interested
in niggers. I kin appreciate the Dimocrisy uv
Suthern Injeany, Illinois, and Ohio, coz they come from that
region, and the sekond generashun ain't got to be voters. I
kin understand the Dimocrisy in Heenan's and Fernando
Wood's deestricks, but pardon me — I want to keep very clear
uv Connecticut Democrats. A people anywhere in Noo England
wich kin deliberitly ally theirselves to us is just the kind
uv people I don't want to be among. I instinctively mistrust
a Yankee who hez dickered away his interest in Bunker Hill.
I hev notist that a Noo Englander wich comes South and
married an old maid, or a widder with a plantation, wuz never
to be trustid; and it's my experience that a demoralized
Yankee — one who hez shed his early trainin, and took up
anybody else's moral close — is about the meanest specimen
uv a white man on the face uv the green earth. He hez the
acootnis wich is born uv a barren soil, without the Puritanism
to keep it within bounds; he possesses the ability to make a
livin on his native rox, but his laziness impels him to a easier
subsistence in milder climes; and instid uv fishin for mackrel
he goes South and fishes for men. A Noo Englander, unrestrained
by grace, is pizen, and I bleeve Connecticut is full uv
em. I hev heerd Massachoosits religion aboozed, but its suthin
we may well be thankful for. I have always been thankful that
the Mayflower brot over religion ez well ez brains and will.
Among the Connecticut Democrisy I shood stand no show;
and, besides, I hev too much self-respeck to soshiate with em
on terms uv equality. Instid uv foragin on them, they'd
manage to live on me. I hev lambs to sheer in Kentucky, and
I don't care about changin em. I don't want to throw any cold
water onto this festive occasion, it bein a element we all
despise; but, hev we any asshoorence uv her continyooin
troo? Ef I understand it, we won by means uv patronage,
and runnin a War Democrat — a bein I, in common with all the
troo Democrisy, despise. We can't do it agin. The next
blast that sweeps from the North will bring to our ears a story
uv another kind. One swaller don't make a spring. I hev
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knowd uv calves being born with two heads. This election, I
fear me, is one uv these monstrosities wich Nacher sometimes
perdooses to show what she is capable uv. It ain't normal. I
hev no objeckshun to yoor feelin good over it — it rejoict me,
coz it'll give our friends South courage, and may skeer the
Radicals into givin us better terms, but —
My remarks wuz interrupted by Saulsbury, who hed bin
sureptitiously drinkin punch with the ladle, and the odor uv
the onions overcomin him he rolled under the table, and very
shortly thereafter the meetin broke up. I leave for home
to-morrer, or ez soon ez I kin draw my mileage.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n70* The Democracy carried Connecticut in the spring of 1867 by the aid of
repeaters from New York. The result was received by the South as evidence
of the reaction against the radicals of the North, for which they had been so
long looking.
CXXXVIII. THE RUSSIAN PURCHASE.
Washington, April 14, 1867.
*It's done! Seward did it — him and me! The American
Eagle hez coz now to screem with redoubled energy. Ef the
Nashnel bird wuz a angel, I shood remark to it, “Toon yoor
harp anoo;” but it ain't, and therefore sich a rekest wood
be ridiculous. This rapsody hez refrence to the Rooshen
purchis.
The idea originatid in these massive intelleck. When I wuz
here afore, the Blairs, all uv em, wuz a crowdin the sainted
Johnson for a mishun. Cowan wantid a mishun, and so did
Doolittle; and that day pretty much all uv the delegates to the
Cleveland and Philadelphy Convenshens had bin there, wantin
some kind uv a place; wat, they wuzn't pertikeler. One gentleman,
whose nose (wich trooly blossomed as the lobster) betokened
long service in the party, urged that he hed bin a
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delegate to both Convenshens. “Thank God!” sed Johnson.
“Wood that both them Convenshens hed bin made up uv the
same men. I wood then hev bin bored for places only half ez
much ez I am.”
I wuz a helpin him out in my weak way. When the crowd
wantin places become too great for human endoorance, I wood
say, in a modrit tone, “Let's go out and git suthin;” and
to-wunst fully half wood exclaim, “Thank yoo, I don't keer if
I do!” It wuz a great relief to Johnson, but wuz pizen on
me. With the most uv em, the anguish, anxiety, and solissitood
in the gittin uv offises and free drinks wuz about an ekal thing.
The offisis they wantid wuz merely the means to that pertikeler
end; and so long ez they wuz gittin the latter without the
trouble uv the former, they wuz content. A good constooshen
and a copper-lined stumick carried me thro this tryin ordeel,
until I came across a Boston applicant, who, in consekence uv
the perhibitory law, hed bin for some time on short rashens,
and wuz keen set. Napoleon hed then met his Wellington,
and I succumd. The man's talent wuz wonderful.
Sekretary Seward wuz in trouble about the Blair family.
He hed did his level best for em. He hed appinted em to Collekterships
and furrin mishuns; but the crooel Senit, wich hed
no respeck for us, took delite in fastening uv em onto us by
perpetooally rejectin em. Jest after a long siege by Montgomery
and the old man, I sejestid the purchis uv the Rooshen
Territory, to wich not only they cood be sent, but a thousand
uv others wich we hed on our hands; and the Sekretary wuz
so pleased at the idea that he wept like a child. He set imejitly
about gittin testimonials ez to the valyoo uv the territory, to
inflooence the Senit in ratifyin the treaty he was agoin to make.
He wrote to a naval officer about it, who answered more
promptly than I ever knowd a naval offiser to do, ez follows: —
“It's trooly a splendid country! The trade in the skins uv
white bears kin be, if properly developed, made enormous.
There is seals there, and walruses so tame that they come up
uv their own akkord to be ketched.
“P. S. — In case the purchis shood be made, a naval stashen
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will be necessary. May I hope that my long services on the
Floridy Coast will prove suffishent recommendashen for the
command uv the depot? May I?
“I hev the honor to be,” &c.
A distinguished Perfessor wrote: —
“The climate is about the style uv that they hev in Washinton.
The Gulf Stream sweeps up the coast, causing a decided
twist in the isothermal line, wich hez the effeck uv making it
ruther sultry than otherwise. Anywheres for six hundred
miles back uv the coast strawberries grow in the open air. I
recommend strongly the purchis.
“P. S. — In case the purchis is made, a explorin expedishen
will be necessary. May I hope that my scientiffik attainments
are suffishently well known to yoo to recommend me as a proper
person to head the expedishen? May I?
“I hev the honor to be,” et settry.
The President wuzn't favorably inclined. He wuz full uv
the old fogy idea that it wuz rather chilly there than otherwise.
He hedn't faith in the Isothermal Line, and wuz skepticle about
the Gulf Stream. It wuz his experience that the further North
yoo got the colder it wuz. For instance, he remarkt, that
while the people wuz warm toward him in Virginny and Maryland,
last fall, they became very cold ez he got North. Wher
wuz the Isothermal Line and the Gulf Stream then?
Randall, who will hev his joke, remarkt that the isothermal
line twisted. He notist that the people made it ez hot for em
ez he wantid it ez fur North ez Cleveland; to wich Sekretary
Welles replied, that it only confirmed him in the opinion that
for platin vessels uv war, iron wuz preferable to pine plank
any time.
Seward removed the President's objections to-wunst. He
read his letters, wich set forth the beauties and advantages uv
the country twict over. Here wuz whales, and walrusses, and
seals, and white bears, and pine-apples, and wheat, and sea-lions,
and fields uv ice the year round, in a climit ez mild and equable
ez the meridian uv Washinton. The isothermal line wuz more
-- 420 --
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accommodatin ther than in any other part uv the world. It
cork-screwed through the territory so ez to grow fine peaches
for exportation to the States, and ice to the Sandwich Islands,
side by side. He drawd a picter uv the white bear a rushin
over the line, and disportin hisself in fields uv green peas!
Imagine, he remarked, the delicacy uv polar bear meat fattened
on strawberries; think uv the condishn the sea-lions must be
in which leave their watery lairs to feed on turnips wich grow
above the 60th parallel; think uv —
“It won't do,” sed the President.
“Think uv,” retortid the Sekretary, with a quicknis uv intellek
remarkable, “think uv gettin rid uv the Blairs forever!”
“Will the Ablishn Senit ratify the treaty?” askt Johnson,
eagerly.
“I converst with many on the subjick, and they sed ef we
cood promise that the Blairs would accept posishens ther, they
wood do it cheerfly. For sich a purpose, sed one uv em to me,
$7,000,000 is a mere bagatelle.”
“I'll do it,” sed Johnson. “I agree with the Senators for
once. Rather then hev it fail, I'd pay it out uv Mrs. Cobb's
share in our jint spekelashens. Freedom from the Blair family!
Good Hevings! kin one man be so blest? Is ther sich in store
for me? $7,000,000! Pish!”
My opinyun being askt, I give it. Ez hefty ez the vencher
is from a commershl stan-pint, in a politikle pint uv view, the
advantagis will be still heftier. The Rooshn territory will
finally be the chosen home uv the Dimocrisy. Ther is already
a populashen there adaptid to us, who kin be manipulated without
trouble, and the climit is favorable to a strickly Democratic
populashen. The trouble with us here is that the amount uv
likker necessary to the manufakter uv a Democrat kills him
afore he hez a opportoonity uv votin many times, wich keeps
us in a perpetooal minority. Our strength is, for climatic reasons,
our weaknis. Far diffrent is it in Roosha. Ther the
happy native may drink his quart per day — the bracin atmosphere
makin it abslootly nessary for him. Ther is the troo
Democratic paradise. How offen hev I sighed for sich a country.
Then again, ther are posishens uv profit. The delegates
to Congriss will, ef I hev figgered it rightly, draw about
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$15,000 per session, mileage, wich is $30,000 per year, $60,000
per term. He cood afford to serve without the paltry $5,000,
wich wood be cheep legislatin, indeed.
And so it wuz agreed upon, and the treaty wuz made by
telegraph at a expense uv $20,000. Before it wuz finely conclooded,
some other little incidentals wuz inclooded by the Zar,
wich run the price up to $10,200,000, but that wuz nothin for
us. Seward went at his work with great energy. The purchis
wuz divided up into six territories (for the number uv delegates
to our convenshuns wuz large, and they all hed to be provided
for), wich wuz named, respectively, Johnson, Seward, Cowan,
Doolittle, Randall, and Welles. For the one in the extreme
North, the furthest off, Frank Blair wuz appinted Governor;
for the next, Montgomery; and the next, the old man, and the
other three wuz held in reserve for the pure but unfortunate
patriots wich might be hereafter rejected for the Austrian
mishun. A list wuz prokoored uv the delegates to our various
convenshuns, and them ez hed bin martyred by the Senit; ther
names wuz put into a wheel ez at Gift Enterprises, and the
Judgeships, Marshalships, Clerkships, et settry, wuz drawd by
lot. This ijee waz sejested by Postmaster-General Randall, ez
bein the easiest way of doin it. He statid that the appintments
from his department hed alluz bin made in this manner, ez it
saved time in eggsaminin petitions, cirtifikets uv fitnis, and sich.
In this way, about ez near ez I kin estimate, two per cent. uv
those claimin posishens at our hands hev bin provided for.
The idea is capable uv unlimited extension. The Administration
feelin the releef it hez gin em, are already negotiatin
for the British Provinces. This territory kin, by makin uv em
a little smaller, be divided up into — say, forty — which, by
makin a few more offises for each, and bein libral with explorin
expedishuns and sich, will be sufficient to give places to all
who really have claims upon us and who are pushin us.
The President breathes easier, and the Secretary is placid
ez a Summer mornin. He hez cut the Gordian knot; he hez
releeved hisself uv the boa constrickter wich wuz crushin him
in its folds. Happiness pervades the White House.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n71* The President was overrun by the seedy place-hunters who joined his faction
in hope of attaining positions they never could get otherwise. The Blair family
were candidates for almost every prominent position in the government.
-- 422 -- p635-463
CXXXIX. A SLIGHT ALTERATION IN THE NAME AND POLICY OF MR. NASBY'S “INSTITOOT. ”
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 22, 1867.
[figure description] Page 422.[end figure description]
Times changes, and men change jist ez fast ez times. I
shood like to see the times wich kin change faster than I kin;
but this last shift I hev bin forced to make, ruther took my
breth. It wuz sudden. The Connecticut eleckshun didn't do
us much good after all. We felt well over it for perhaps a day;
but ez we begun to git other indicashens from the North, we
didn't jist see how that little spirt wuz agoin to help us. Cincinnati
went Ablishin stronger than ever. Chicago ditto; and
most everywhere the Dimocratic rooster wuz flattened. The
cabinet, when they heerd uv Deekin Pogram's assault upon a
nigger, on the receet uv the intelligence uv the election news,
notified me officially that a repetishen uv sich loonacy wood be
equivalent to a reseet uv my resignation, even tho the post
offis shood be discontinyood. “The nigger vote must be capcherd.
It's essenshel. Wade Hampton sez so,” wrote Randall
to me, and I reprimanded the Deekin for his recklessniss, and
borrowed four dollars uv Bascom, who is the only man in
the vicinity who hez any ready money, to make it all rite
with him.
We held a meetin uv the Drecktors and Faculty uv the
Southern Military and Classicle Institoot last evening, to
decide wat course that instooshn wuz to take in the grate
work uv surroundin the Ethiopian. In sich a time ez this, ez
I menshened to Captain McPelter, it won't do for our institooshuns
uv learning to stand back. These great levers, the
molders uv public opinion, must be ez progressive ez the progressiveist,
and must change like other things to meet the
requirements uv the times. We hev commenst our march
into Africa, and thus far hev we gone into the bowels uv the
land without impediment, to speak uv — let us persevere. Let
us capcher the Ethiopian, stink and all.
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The meetin wuz held in the back room uv Bascom's, owin to
the fact that it wuz rainin, and the roof uv the Post Offis leaks.
I hed an appropriashen some time since from the Department
for repairs; but bein in doubt whether it wuz intended for repairs
on the Post Offis or the Postmaster, I gave the prizner
the benefit uv the doubt, and got a new pair uv boots. I cood
better endoor the slite inconvenience uv occasional rain than
to go barefoot.
I made a statement uv the case, and sejested a radical change
in the Institoot. Captain McPelter agreed with me. He felt
that ther hedn't bin that complete, hearty recognition uv our
Afrikin brethren as there ought to be. He hed on several
occasions allowed his nateral vivacity to git the better of his
proodence, and hed waded into em alarmin. The old ijee of
Ham and Hagar and Onesimus hed bin so drilled into him in
his yooth, that he hed to wrestle with it to keep it in control,
and in spite uv himself it often got the better uv him. He
sejested that the name uv the Institoot be changed from “The
Southern Military and Classikle Institoot,” to “The Ham and
Japheth Free Academy for the Development uv the Intellek
uv all Races, irrespective uv Color.” That he thought would
anser the required end. The colored men who choose to avail
theirselves of the priviliges afforded by this institooshn, when
it is finished, kin find in this no cause uv complaint. They are
recognized. They are given the precedence. They stand first
in the matter and foremost. Wat more kin they ask?”
Bascom hed a series uv resolooshuns wich he desired to
present. He sed it mite be looked upon ez strange that he
shood favor the concentrashun uv free niggers at the Corners,
but he hed good and suffishent reasons. First, he hed faith
that constant contact with the Board wood bring em to the
pint uv patronizin his bar; but ef it didn't, he knowd perfectly
well that the Board and Fakulty wood manage to git all they
hed, for board and tooition, wich he wuz perfectly certin he'd
git in the end. Wat he wanted wuz people here; to yoose an
illustration borrered from his biznis, the offishels uv this Institoot
wuz the tunnel through wich the wealth uv all uv em
wood be conducted to his coffers. I fell onto his neck in
rapcher, and then vowed that I wuz willin to die for his
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good — that I cared not how much uv other people's money
run through me to him ef 'twas thus dilooted. The resolooshens
presented read ez follows: —
“Resolved, That the name uv the Southern Military and
Classikle Institoot be changed to `The Ham and Japheth Free
Academy for the Development uv the Intelleck uv all Races,
irrespective uv Color.'
“Resolved, That in makin this change, we, the Board uv
Directors, do so, assertin,
“1. That in this emergency we are justified in doubtin
whether Noer got tite at all, the statement in the Skripters to
that effect bein ondoubtedly an error uv the translators.
“2. That ef he did git tite, he didn't cuss Ham at all.
“3. That ef he did cuss Ham, the cuss wuzn't intended to
extend beyond Canaan at the furthest, and hence his descendants
go scot free.
“4. That ef the cuss wuz really and trooly intended to
attach to all uv Ham's descendants, irrespective uv color, to
the end uv time, it ain't uv no effeck in Kentucky, ez that
State hez allus run irrespective uv any code, 'ceptin sich ez
hez bin adopted by her Legislacher.
“5. That the theory that the nigger, irrespective uv color,
is a beast, is a deloosion, a snare, which we hev alluz practically
held, no matter what we may, for effect, hev sed, ez the number
uv mulattoes, to say nothin uv them still farther bleached
in Kentucky, abundantly proves.
“6. That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv color, is trooly a
man and a brother; and the female Ethiopian, also irrespective
uv color, trooly a woman and a sister.
“Resolved, That this Institoot, whose name is now so happily
changed, shel be conducted upon the principles uv strict ekality,
irrespective uv color.
“Resolved, That when we reflect that the bloated aristocracy
uv England interdoost, and the early settlers uv Massachoosets
sankshund, slavery on this continent, forcin it really onto us,
we bile with indignashun towards em, and kin hardly restrane
ourselves.
“Resolved, That at the tables, in the choice uv rooms, and in
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all matters where there is a choice, the African man and
brother, irrespective uv color, shel hev the precedence.
“Resolved, That Oberlin College, by not givin the sons uv
Ham, irrespective uv color, the precedence, shows clearly that
it is actooated by narrer-minded prejudice, wich deserves the
reprobashen uv every lover uv his kind.
“Resolved, That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv color, kin
change his skin, and that his oder, ef he hez any, is rather
pleasant than otherwise.
“Resolved, That we look with loathing upon the States
North, wich, alluz professin friendship for the noble black man
uv the cotton fields, refoose to take him to their buzzums,
irrespective uv color.
“Resolved, That ef Massachoosits and Vermont, and Northern
Illinois, and the Western Reserve in Ohio, are honest in
their professions uv love for the negro, they will come down
with donashuns to assist in the completion uv the Academy.”
Deekin Pogram didn't know about all this. He hed bin
edikated in Ham and Hager, and wuz a bleever in Onesimus.
He doubted. Sposen after all this concesion the nigger shood
play off onto us? Sposen he shoodent vote with us after all,
but cling to his Northern friends? Or spose he shood vote
with us, and we shood, thro his vote, git control, wat then?
How cood we redoose em to ther normal condition agin after
all this palavrin?
Bascom replied that he wuz surprised at the Deekin's
obtoosnis. First, ef they did vote with the Ablishnists, we
wuz no worse off, ez that wuz wat they proposed to do any
how. Ef, on the other hand, they didn't, what then? The
trouble with em now is, they know too much. “Let em,” sed
Bascom, warmin up, “let em associate with us a year, let em
vote with us, et cettry, and in twelve months they're precisely
fitted agin to be servance unto their brethren. Look,” sed he,
“at the Northern Dimocrasy, and see to what we may hope to
bring these men in time.”
But little more bizness wuz transacted. Beverly Nash, of
South Caroliny, wuz unanimously called to a professorship; and
a young gentleman uv color, who, from his strong resemblance
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to Elder Gavitt, ought to hev biznis capacity, wuz unanimously
elected a member of the Board. The yoonyun is perfect.
Ham and Japheth hev shaken hands, and are embracin each
other.
May prosperity attend the nupchels, and may the isshoo be
fortunate. I hev got over the disgust attendant upon the fust
chill, and am consekently feelin well.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the
Ham and Japheth Free Academy for the
Development uv the Intelleck uv all
Races, irrespective uv Color.
CXL. MR. NASBY PREACHES A SERMON, THE EFFECT OF WHICH IS DESTROYED BY NORTHERN PAPERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Road }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 25, 1867.
We are in trouble down here with these cussid niggers.
They are harder to manage than pigs. Pigs don't express ther
pecoolyarities. Mules come nearer. Ther is sich a method in
their obstinacy — sich a wilful cussidnis, that I reely hev made
up my mind that I don't understand em at all. They cuddle
up to us ez kind ez a bloomin maiden does to her first adored,
and they fling us just ez natral ez that same guileless maiden
does when number two heaves in site. They behave well for
a season, aperrently for no other purpose than to enjoy our
discomfiture when they finally throw us. I hev bin a gittin a
suspishen thro me that they ain't half ez stoopid ez they look;
and that, after all, we are not fur from the trooth when we say,
in our resolooshens, that they are the ekals uv the whites.
Why shoodn't they be? Why shoodent the nigger boy, wich
is now crossin the street, wich hez Deekin Pogram's feechers
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ez like ez a photograff, hev ez much sense ez the Deekin? I
hev egsamined into the pedigree uv that nigger, and I find
that his mother hed the hawtiest blood uv Virginny coursin
toomulchusly thro her veins — and that stock the Pogram mix
coodent materially depreciate in one generashen.
I hed the niggers uv the × Roads handsomely in tow up to
yisterday. I hed em attendin services last Sunday at the
meetin-house, and by private arrangement hed em seated
miscellaneously among the awjence. Dekin Pogram hed a
wench, wich weighed at least 250 pounds averdupoise, atween
him and his wife, while four other niggers ornamentid his pew.
Bascom, with alacrity, consented to three; and Elder Gavitt
provided seats for four. It wuz a pleasant site! White and
black wuz alternatid like the spots on a checker-board — niggers
and whites wuz spread out together like the fat and lean
in pork; and ez I seed it I cood hardly restrane my emoshens.
There before me wuz the regenerashun uv the Democratic
party — there wuz wat wuz to bring us out uv the valley and
shadder uv death into wich we hed fallen, up on the high
ground uv offishel life. I preached that day from two texts,
to wit: “Uv one blood did he make all the nashens uv the
earth,” and “All ye are brethren.” I demonstrated with great
fervor the loonacy uv the idea that the Almighty wood take
the trouble to create two or more races when one wood do ez
well — wich idea is alluz well receeved in this region. All
men form their idea uv the Deity from themselves; and I
never knowd a Confedrit Cross Roader to make two things
when one wood anser. I refuted the theory, that there wuz
more than one head to the race, by quotin the texts wich
treated uv the creashen uv Adam and Eve, and demolished
the Ham doctrine at site. “Ef,” sed I, “Noer did cuss Ham,
and condemn Canaan to be a servant unto his brethren, how
do we know that our colored brethren and sistren is the
desendants uv Ham and Canaan? It may be us for all we
know! Is it his color? Is not black jest ez convenient a
color ez white?”
“More so,” murmured Mrs. Pogram, half asleep, “more so—
it don't show dirt.”
“Is it his shape? O, my brethren, I ain't a handsome man,
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nor wood I exactly anser for a model for Apoller. Ef beauty,
or comeliness, or shape, is to decide the pint, the Lord help
us! Is it his smell? The New York World asserts that the
nigger hain't no smell, and ef he hez, why shoodent he hev?
Standin under the common flag uv our country, with his hand
upon that magna charta, the Deklarashen, and his beamin eye
turned exultinly toward our nashnel emblem, the eagle, shall
not our Afrikin brother be allowed to smell jist ez he chooses?
Ef smell must be uniform, then let our Government establish a
Burow uv Perfoomery to-wunst. I take high religious grounds
in this matter. Ef he hez a natural odor, the Lord give it to
him. Let us not fly in the face uv the Lord by condemin it.
Judge not, lest we be judged. The odor uv the colored gentleman
or lady is the work uv the Lord — the odor uv yoor
unwashed feet is yoor own — wich shood stand the highest?
“I acknowledge that I hev not long held these views. I
hev shared the common prejudis, and hev contemned our
friends uv color; I hev despitefully used 'em; I hev gone for
'em, and banged 'em like old boots. But it wuz becoz I didn't
know 'em. I didn't see the kernel of meat under the rough
shell: I didn't recognize the glitrin diamond in the ebony coal.
My eyes hev bin opened. Like Saul of Tarsus, I see a lite.
Sence the passage uv the Military Bill I hev diskivered many
things. I hev mostly found out all these things sence that
occurrence. Let us accept the situashen, and bless the Lord
that it hez resultid in developin excellences where we didn't
expect to find 'em.”
There wuz an affectin scene after service wuz over. Deekin
Pogram, Captain McPelter, and Elder Gavitt shook hands with
em with a degree uv corjality I didn't expect. They develop
a degree uv adaptability to circumstances wich I didn't look
for. I really bleeve if I'd a told em that it wood hev a good
effeck to kiss the nigger babies all round, that they'd a done it.
But I spared em this. There is such a thing ez laying it on
too thick.
But all this wuz spiled the next day. There wuz a heavy
mail that day. In addition to the paper wich Pollock, the
Illinois storekeeper, takes, ther wuz eight others; and to my
surprise they wuz all directed to niggers. “Wat is this?”
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thot I to myself. “Hev the Ablishnists uv the North determined
upon proselytin these men, and are they goin to flood
this country with their incendiary readin? Ez a Federal
officer it's my dooty to look into the matter!” Imagine my
delirious joy at findin that they wuz Democratic papers from
Noo York and Ohio! “Thank Heaven!” sed I, “our people
hev awakened to a sense uv the necessity uv doin suthin;”
and I handed the papers out to em, exhortin uv em to read
em, ez they wuz trooth, and nothin but the trooth.
I ruther think they read em, for from that time out they
avoided me ez though I hed the plague. Ef I wuz a goin
down the street, and one uv em wuz a comin up, he'd cross the
street; and the pecoolyer expression uv his countenance indicatid
that it wuzn't my majestick presence wich awd him.
They hed loathin depicted on their classick feechers. Unable
to endoor this, I seezed one uv em, and asked why I wuz
treated thus?
Delibritly he pulled out uv his pockit one uv them cussid
Northern papers, and pintid indignantly to a editorial article.
It was perfoosely headed in this wise: —
Shel niggers vote? — Shel the prowd Caucashen be redoost to
a ekality with the disgustin Afrikin? — Is this a white man's
government or not? — Ameriky for white men!
Sed this Ethiopian, with his fingers on this headin, “'Pears
like ez ef dah wuzn't jist dat good feelin towards us colored
men on de part ob de Dimoc'sy ob the Norf dat dah ought to
be. 'Pears like as dough up dah wha de niggah ain't got no
vote, dat dey don't intend he shel hab it. 'Pears like, ef
Dimoc'sy's one ting all ober de country, dar's a cussid site ob
humbug a goin on down heah!”
Wat cood I say? Wat cood I do? There it wuz in black
and white; and from papers whose Dimocrisy cood not be
questioned. I wuz dumbfoundid. The nigger stalked hawtily
and proudly away in one direckshen, while I sneaked off ruther
sneakinly in another.
I hev one word to say to our brethren in the North. Yoo'r
doublin our troubles, and makin our burdens harder to bear.
-- 430 -- p635-471
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Why havn't yoo common sense? Wat hurt wood nigger suffrage
do yoo up there wher ther ain't no niggers, and how
much wood it benefit us down here wher ther's millions uv
em? Can't yoo see it? On all questions heretofore the
Dimocrisy hez allowed a liberal license. We hev bin Free
Trade in Noo York and Tariff in Pennsylvany the same year,
and we cood do it. Then Dimocrats didn't git ther asshoorences
from papers, owin to their inability to perooze em
rapidly, it bein so long afore they got a word spelled out that
they forgot the one precedin it, wich destroyed the continuity
uv the narrative, ef I may so speak, and wat we told em really
wuz gospel. That won't do with the niggers down here. He
reads, he does; and ef he don't, ther's alluz everywhere some
sich sneakin cuss ez Pollock, who reads for him, and they know
wat they know jist ez well ez anybody. Let em stop hammerin
the nigger. It won't do. Ef he's to be a man and a
brother here, he must be a man and a brother there. Ef the
Dimocrisy must hev a race to look down on, let em turn their
attenshun to the Chinese or the Injuns, but from this time out
the nigger is sacred.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the
Ham and Japheth Free Academy for the
Development uv the Intellek uv all
Races, irrespectiv of Color.
CXLI. THE DECEASE OF ELDER GAVITT.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 2, 1867.
A blite hez fallen o'er my soul. My eyes, albeit unused to
the meltin mood, hev distilled nothin but tears for twelve
hours. A Piller hez fallen! In the meetin-house there is a
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vacant pew, and a chair at Bascom's is without a setter. Last
nite, at precisely nine P. M., Elder Abimileck Gavitt departed
this life.
I weep ez I write. The Elder wuz snufft out jest ez the
flowers uv spring wuz cumin — jest ez the weather wuz a
gittin warm enough to go barefooted — jest when it wuzn't
nessary to bother about gettin fire-wood, or be concerned
about feedin the stock — jest when it begins to be comfortable
a sittin onto the grocery stoop — jest at the threshhold uv six
months' enjoyment. Why wuz he taken? Ekko ansers. The
ways uv Providence is inskrootable.
Elder Gavitt wuz a native uv North Karliny, wich State he
left in the blush uv early manhood, jist after he wuz married.
Wat he left North Karliny for, I never wuz able to assertane
percisely; but I hev understood that it wuz suthin in connection
with a smoke-house, and the hams wich did hang therein.
He wuz in a Whig naberhood — his naber, the proprietor of
the smoke-house, wuz a Whig — ther wuz sum hams missed —
the rinds wuz found in his possession — Whig intolerance and
persekooshen. Upon sich slite evidence he wuz adjudged
guilty of theft, and wuz ignominiously rid on a rale, and
ordered to leave the country in twenty-four hours, wich he did,
driftin nat'rally to Kentucky. Thank Heaven for sich outrages!
But for sich, Kentucky wood either hev bin a Republican
State, or wood hev remained unsettled.
Elder Gavitt wuz alluz a Democrat uv the strictest sect.
He voted for Jackson, and reglerly for every Democratic candidate
sence. He didn't read very much; indeed, he coodent
do it all all, and wuz, consekently, stedfast in the faith. He
wuzn't shook about, and driven hither and yon by every wind,
but remained thro life fast in the groove into wich he hed bin
origenelly sot. His politikle creed wuz made up uv this one
idee, to wit: Hatrid uv Noo England. He hatid Noo England
becoz Noo England hatid whiskey, wich he coodent git along
without, and slavery, uv wich he hed a hundred niggers. He
votid agin Noo England all his life reglerly, and ez many times
on each eleckshen day ez he cood, without risk.
My acquaintance with the deceest commenst about three
years ago. It wuz at his house I stopt on my advent into
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these parts. Ther wuz no need uv formal introduckshens —
ther wuz already a bond atween us wich knit our souls
together. His eye, ez it lit onto my nose, lighted up with a
smile; and ez I gazed on hizzen, I felt that he wuz indeed a
man and a brother. He took me in — he sheltered me — he
gave me whereof to eat and to drink and to make merry, and
with him I tarried till I wuz reglerly installed ez paster uv the
Church, and thereby reglerly provided for.
The cause uv the Elder's death wuz a broken heart. He
wuz a ardent Confedrit, and manfully bore up under the
reverses of the war. His courage wuz unshaken doorin the
repeated successes uv the Federal armies; and even when
emancipation deprived him uv his slaves, he still hed faith
that, evenchooally, all wood be well. “We may be beeten
now,” wuz his constant remark, “but the Northern Dimocrisy
are all right, and thro them we'll yet conker!” Confidin in
em, bleevin in em, he held out up to the passage uv the
Military Reconstruckshen Bill.
I then saw a change steal insensibly over my venerable
friend. His head bowed with supprest grief — his bosom
throbbed with the emoshen that wuz strugglin for uttrance.
He wood come over to my offis five or six times a day, and ask
me to read him that passage uv the law givin the nigger the
ballot. I wood do it, when, without sayin a word, he wood
reel off, with tears flowin down his wasted cheeks, to Bascom's.
I wood foller him, to see that no harm came to him. The old
man wuz so broken that he'd pay for his own likker and mine
too, without noticin. Fearin to awaken unpleasant emoshens
in his mind, I never menshened the latter circumstance.
Things grew worse with him. When Randall wrote to me
to consiliate the niggers, the old man obeyed without a murmur.
Democrisy wuz his first idea, and he obeyed her behests, tho
'twuz consoomin his very sole. He shook hands with niggers,
tho the touch wuz ez red hot iron; he took two uv em into his
pew, tho his promoxity to em set him a shakin like the ager;
and he votid to change the name and objects uv the Institoot,
tho the convulsive workins uv his face showd wat the struggle
cost him.
Day by day the Elder faded. The iron entered his sole, and
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it wuz eatin him up by degrees. He walked the streets
listlessly, his eyes suffoosed with tears, and his lips movin ez
ef mutterin suthin to hisself. I become concerned for him,
and so did the entire cirkle. Bascom figgered up his akkount
at his bar, and went to the records to see whether his farm wuz
unencumbered, and sich uv the neighbors ez hed lent him small
sums sot about gittin em.
Last Sunday the pitcher went to the well for the last time.
I hed four niggers in his pew, upon whom he looked vacantly,
but sed nothin. After servis, I stopped him. “Elder,” sez I,
in a whisper, “it wood hev a good effeck ef yoo cood kiss them
little nigger girls.”
“Parson!” sed he, tremblin like a leaf, “is it absolootely
necessary?”
“It is the dooty uv evry Dimokrat, in this crisis, to kiss ez
many nigger children ez possible.”
A strange expression lit up the old man's countenance. In
a frenzied manner he kissed all there wuz in the church, and
commenst on the adult females uv that persuasion. With
difficulty we restrained him; but breakin loose from us, he
startid down the street, a runnin down and kissin every nigger
child his eyes restid on. Finally he sunk to the erth eggsaustid,
and we bore him to his house and put him to bed.
From that bed he never ariz. He wuz a goner. We hed to
give him his likker in a spoon, and I never knowd a Kentuckian
to recover who wuz past drinkin out uv a bottle. Slowly
his strength wasted. Yesterday he rallied and asked for me.
“Perfesser!” sed he, with an effort, “is Kentucky to rool
the niggers, or the niggers to rool Kentucky? Has Dimocrisy
swallered the nigger, or the nigger swallered the
Dimocrisy?”
And all wuz o'er! He fell back a piece uv clay, wich never
cood rally to the poles agin.
Bascom and I turned aside and wept. Sed Bascom, “Hed
he lived two years more I wood hev hed his farm.”
“Not any,” sed I, bustin into teers. “I wood hev hed it to
endow the Institoot.”
“In that event it wood evenchooally hev bin mine,” gasped
Bascom, relapsin into a fresh spasm uv grief.
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[figure description] Page 434.[end figure description]
We buried him yesterday. It wuz the biggest funeral ever
knowd at the Corners. It wuz a tetchin site. Standin around
his bier, wuz his four children by his first wife, and his six
children by his second wife, and twelve or fifteen other children
uv all colors, from that uv a new saddle up to dark
molasses, who insisted upon bein counted in ez mourners. It
wuz the tightest place I wuz ever in in my life.
“My friends,” sed I to em, “is this seemly? Is this
proper?”
They replied that it wuz. “I mourn a father,” sed one;
“not much uv a father, but he wuz the only one I ever had.”
“I mourn a husband,” sed the mother uv the first speaker, “not
legally a husband, but morally, or rather, immorally.” “We
weep,” sed all these various shades in korus, and they bustid
out into a torrent uv greef wich completely extinguished them
on the tother side uv the grave, wich hed the legal rite to
mourn.
Ez a matter uv coarse, it ended in a row. Issaker Gavitt
swore that no cussid bleached niggers shood shed teers at his
father's funeral; and Amandy flew at a quadroon wich wuz
cryin too prominently, and Mrs. Gavitt attacked the quadroon's
mother who wuz displayin altogether too much white pockit
handkercher. In the melee I left, satisfied that Democrisy hez
altogether too many rough pints to git over pleasant.
I feel it my dooty to erect a monument to the memory uv
this good and troo man — this martyr to Democrisy. Demokrats,
feelin an interest in the matter, and wishin to contribute
to the work, may send by mail sich donashens ez they see fit,
to me, with perfect confidence that they will be yoosed.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor.
-- 435 -- p635-476
CXLII. TRIUMPHAL PROGRESS OF J. DAVIS FROM FORTRESS MONROE TO RICHMOND.
The “Spottswood,” Richmond, Va., }
May 13, 1867.
[figure description] Page 435.[end figure description]
*In castin a retrospective glance backerd over the pathway uv
the past, I kin see many mistakes wich I hev made. I hevn't
alluz made the most uv opportoonities — I hev doubted when
doubtin wuz a crime, and I hev stood shivrin on the brink and
feared to launch away, when on the tother side uv the Jordan
wuz pelf and profit. Our foresite isn't alluz ez good ez our
hind-site. The great error uv my life wuz not plungin headlong
into the war ez a Confedrit Major-General, distinguishin
myself for crooelty to Fedral prizners, and bein, at the close
uv the fratrisidle struggle, reseeved and embraced ez a long-lost
brother by the Northern people (lettin em kill fattid calves
for me), and uv coorse bein the objeck uv sympathy ez a
martyr by the Southern people. In this sitooashen a man
brings to his support the two extremes. He fetches together
Horris Greely from the one side, and General Boregard from
the t'other — they embrace, and standin onto both their sholders,
he hez wat may be called a soft thing uv it.
I wuz led into these train uv reflections by the experience I
hev hed with our sainted cheef, Jefferson Davis. I wuz sent
hither by the President to see that everythin wuz done for the
comfort uv the illustrious man that cood be done, on the occasion
uv his contemplatid trip to Richmond. Partikelerly I wuz
charged to see that everything calkelatid to jar onto his sensitive
feelins be removed — everythin wich cood wound his
sense uv hearin, seein, or smellin.
The grate man had consentid to go. He hed bin, he felt,
illegally deprived uv liberty — unconstooshnelly in fact — and
ef he shood consult his own feelins he wood remane; but to
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[figure description] Page 436.[end figure description]
forgive wuz divine. Viewin these perceedins in the lite uv an
apology, he wood go.
The day hed arrived. The steamer wuz at the Fortress
carefully prepared to receive its illustrious burden. It hed
been thoroughly cleaned and fumigated, the cabins hed bin
nooly furnisht, and speshel alterashens made for the President
and party. Ther wuz Yoonited States officers aboard; but out
of respeck for the feelins uv their illustrious “prizner,” ez he
is technically called, they kept theirselves out uv his site, that
their uniforms might not awaken onpleasant refleckshens. So
perfeck wuz the arrangements, that the railin uv the boat,
originelly bloo, wuz kivered with gray cloth, and the eagle
figger-head uv the craft wuz sawed off. This wuz sejested by
a eminent Conservative uv Noo York, who hez a large Southern
trade wich he didn't prejoodis by his course doorin the
war. The ladies' cabin wuz originelly assigned to the party;
but a female passenger hed no more regard for the comfort uv
the marter than to die on the passage, and they were deprived
uv it. The conservative merchant insisted that the corpse be
chucked overboard; but Mr. Davis, with a magnanimity characteristic
uv him, refoozed. “No,” sed he, “let her rest there.
I kin endoor the inconvenience, severe ez it is. It is but one
more attempt to break my sperit.”
All the way up the most techin deference wuz shown him.
At every landin the people assembled to greet him, wich he
acknowledged with a condesenshen I never saw before. He
conversed but little on the passage. Ez the boat wuz passin
pints made historicle by the events uv the great struggle, his
eye wood brighten, ef they wuz sich pints ez a Confedrit cood
take pride in, and dim with teers ef they wuz pints at wich
ther had bin reverses.
The most considrit preparashens hed bin made for his resepshen.
Ther wuz no irons onto him: the only guards in site
wuz them wich wuz detailed to keep the crowd from annoyin
him, and a carriage wuz in readiness, into wich we wuz driven
off at a dignified pace to that resort uv the aristocracy uv
Virginny — the Spottswood. Here, more considerashen wuz
shown. Mr. Davis bein averse to walkin up stairs, a suit uv
rooms hed bin prepared for him on the fust floor, and the
-- 437 -- p635-478
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presence uv the officer in charge, bein obnoxshus, he wuz
assigned by the Ex-President a room at the further end uv the
corridor. His nerves bein sensitive, heavy mattin wuz laid
down in all the halls, and the servants uv the house wuz
directed to wear list slippers, and to walk on their tiptoes.
I wuz invited to his room, and wuz favored with a few
minutes' conversashen with the first of Amerikens. Glancin
out uv the winder, his fine, soft, gray eyes restid on the roof
uv Libby. “Lies! lies!” sed he, angrily.
“Wat speshel lies hev yoo reference to?” askt I.
“Them wich wuz publisht in the scurrillous reports uv the
Committees uv a unconstooshnel Congris regardin the treatment
uv prizners in Libby. They asserted that the officers died
becoz they hed but ten feet by two for sleepin, washin, cookin,
and eatin. They hed that space, and wat more wuz necessary?
Why give 'em room to cook when they hedn't anythin to cook?
Wherefore room to eat ef they hedn't anythin to eat? No, its
false. It wuzn't the crowdin that perdoost the mortality.”
Only wunst wuz his buzzum wrung, and that the Government
cood not prevent. He wuz a standin at the winder, gazin
out upon Richmond, his mind revertin to the time when it wuz
the Capital uv his Confedracy, when a procession passed with
moosic, and flags, and banners. With a shreek uv anguish he
buried his head in the curtains, and wept aloud. It wuz ez I
feared. Filin slowly by wuz a percession uv niggers. “Merciful
Heaven!” sed he, “hez it come to this?” and he wuz
reserved and deprest all day.
The next day the President wuz taken to the Court. Ez he
entered the room, and glanced proudly over the awjence, it
wood hev bin very difficult to hev decided whether he wuz a
goin to try the Court or the Court him. But repressin hisself
he took his seat. Tetchin solissitood wuz displayed in the
Court Room for his comfort. A crack in the winder-casin let
in a draft uv cold air; he shuddered, and a shudder run thro
the entire assemblage. The shudder uv the Conservative
merchant uv Noo York wuz trooly artistic. Cotton wuz called
for, when the Conservative merchant's wife tore off one uv her
buzzums and stufft the apertoor. Wuz ther ever more tetchin
sacrifis? The President wept ez he beheld it. On assertanin
-- 438 -- p635-479
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the temperatoor wich best sootid his system, a thermometer
wuz brot, and the room wuz kept at that precise degree.
There wuz sum triflin legal formalities, and the President's
counsel made a motion that he be admitted to bail. There
wuz a stir in the Court. “Make it a million!” sed one, “so
that the craven North shel see how we kin take keer uv them
we love!” But Judge Underwood fixed it at $100,000, and,
brisk ez bees, a Noo York Dimocrat, several Richmond Dimocrats,
and Horris Greely, stept forrerd and signed it.
Never shel I forgit the shout that assendid ez Horris wuz a
signin his name.
“Three cheers for Jeff'son Greely and Horris Davis — one
and inseprable, now and forever!” shoutid one enthoosiastic
Confedrit.
“Immortality is yoors!” sed another. “Jeff'son Davis is
the big dog uv the age, and yoo, my deer sir, are now the tin
kittle tied to his tale! Wat joy! When posterity speeks uv
Him, they'll speek uv Yoo!”
I coodent restrane myself no more. Bustin into teers, I fell
onto Greeley's buzzum, and we embraced. Ez he hedn't his
specticles on, he sposed it wuz Davis hisself, and he bustid into
teers also, and there wuz wun uv the most strikin tabloos ever
exhibited. I got away afore he diskivered his mistake.
Here wuz the endin uv our troubles — the consummashen
uv our hopes. Davis wuz free! The pent-up emoshens uv the
people found vent. Ez he stept into the street the people
crowded to the carriage, and rent the air with cheers. We
reached the hotel, and after embracin his wife, a season of
religious exercises wuz held. The clergyman who hed excloosive
charge of Davis's piety doorin the war offered prayer. He
prayed fervently that the Lord wood forgive the people of the
North for the wrong they hed done our sainted head; that he
wood forgiv, ef possible, the late head uv the Fedral Government
who hed opposed him and the glorious coz; and ef
Divine mercy cood stretch so far, that he wood forgive the
Colonel uv Michigan cavalry which hed hunted down the Saint
who wuz now in our midst. He prayed for forgiveness for the
reckless men of the North who invaded Virginny; for the
noosepapers wich hed aboozed him who is now with us, and
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particklerly Horris Greely, who hed in some measure atoned
for his previous wickidness. He prayed that blessins might
rest, first, upon the city uv Richmond, then upon the balance
uv Virginny, and afterward upon the other Southern States;
and he wound up with a fervent appeal that the Ethiopians,
wich coodent change their skins, might see the error of their
ways, and return to their normal condishen.
I am not permitted to give more uv the President's plans
than this: He will remain in secloosion, and will take no part
watever in politics until after his final acquittal in November.
He don't feel at liberty to take hold uv the Government, so
long ez ther is even a technikle charge agin him. Our friends
in the Northern States, who expected him to take the stump in
their behalf this fall, will be disappintid.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor.
eaf635n72* The deference shown to Jefferson Davis is fairly stated in the text. He was
treated by the government more as a martyr than as a criminal.
CXLIII. AN ACCOUNT OF THE TRIP TO RALEIGH.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads, }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 10, 1867.
*I accompanied the President to Rawly. The President
doesn't feel safe at goin anywhere without me to arrange the
details, and do the nice financeerin wich is necessary.
The Rawly trip wuz the occasion of a serious truble in the
Cabinet. The President wuz in favor uv it. Ez he sed, he
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wuz essenshelly uv a filial persuasion. He hed alluz experienced
a most consoomin love for his parents, partickelerly for them
on his father's side. He hed swung around the entire cirkle
uv offishel honor, and hed found traitors on all sides; but he
cood lay his hand on his heart and say that he hed never
knowed a troo man but who, at some period uv his life, hed a
father. Why, then, shood we not honor our fathers? How
could it be better dun than by layin corner-stuns? His father
deceest in 1812, and it wuz time that this dooty wuz attended
to. Besides, at this crysis in the affairs uv the country, with
Wilson and Kelly a snortin through the South, he felt it wood
be a good thing to show ourselves.
Seward felt that it wuz well to go. Filial love wuz charmin.
Shakspeer, who wuz ez justly celebrated ez a dramatist
ez one he cood menshun wuz for diplomatic telegraffin, remarkt,
“How sharper nor a serpent's tooth it is to hev a thankless
child,” — the truth of which he hed experienced, ez he hed
been styled the father uv the Republican party: but that wuz
not to the pint. It is the dooty uv every son to lay corner-stuns.
In this case it wood, perhaps, hev bin more creditable hed it
been dun fifty years ago; but wat difference is it? It is
natral ez we are about being gathered to our fathers, that we
shood remember em. Besides, he hed a little speech wich he
felt he'd like to deliver. He wanted to bear testimony to the
patriotism uv the son uv Jacob Johnson — particularly to our
colored brethren in North Carliny, who hev bin listenin to
Kelly and Wilson.
Randall didn't bleeve in it at all. He made bold to say that
ez the deceast Johnson hed slept without a corner-stun for
fifty-five years, he'd manage to git along without it a while
longer. It wuz rather late in the day. He bleeved in feelin
sorrowful over the decease uv our relatives, but he didn't go
much on doin it fifty-five years after date. It wuz too much
like bustin into tears over the suffrins uv the last illness uv yer
wife's great-grandmother. The speeches he didn't bleeve in
at all. He hed seen some uv it — he hed accompanied one
toor uv the kind. He hed bin on it. He wuz at Cleveland, at
Indianapolis, and Springfield, Illinoy. He begged to be excoosed.
He didn't keer about tailin sich a kite agin. Ef the
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people uv the South shood receive us ez corjelly ez the people
uv the North did, he preferred to consult his feelins and be
absent. He wuz a sensitive plant, and disliked sum things.
Ef his memory served him rite, the demonstrashens coodent
be considered flatterin. The people didn't fling dead cats at
us, but they did wuss. Where they wuz cold, they wuz rather
too cold. Where they wuz in a volatile humor, they wuz
rather too lively. He hed about made up his mind that it
wuzn't uv any yoose to fite it out on that line ef it took all
summer. Success is a dooty; but when success is as impossible
ez water in the great Sahara, wat's the yoose? Wherefore
struggle? Let us go slow, draw our salaries to the end uv
our 'spective terms, and so live that wen the summons comes
to jine the innoomerable caravan that moves out uv Washinton
to'ards their 'spective homes, we go not like the dusty slave at
nite, wat's bet his all on two pair, but soothed and sustained by
wat we saved, — go like one who's got the wherewithal to
live. It wuz a source uv comfort to him to know that the
worst men wuz soon forgotten. Who ever speaks uv Tyler, or
Peerce, or Bukanon, now? Benedict Arnold is only spoken uv
on Fourth uv Julys, and Judis Iskariot on Sundays. It will be
so with us in time, for wich thank the Lord.
But it wuz determined to go, and I wuz sent to Rawly to
find where the grave uv the honored father of our honored
President wuz reely locatid, and to make other arrangements.
I hed difficulty in locatin the grave, and ain't jest shoor that I
found the right one. The people uv Rawly wuz anxshus to hev
it come off, ez trade wuz dull in the retail line; and for fear
that I wood report that the grave coodent be found, and thus
nip their budding hopes, they giv me the choice uv fifteen.
Selectin the most eligible, I made the uther arrangements and
returned.
The eggscurzion contrastid very favorbly with the one we
took last fall. The people receeved us at every stashen with
the most affectin demonstrashuns uv luv. “Johnson! Johnson!
Johnson!” they yelled at each stoppin-place, wich sounded
sweeter in his ears and mine than the damnable iterashen of
“Grant! Grant! Grant!” wich greetid us at every pint North.
But ther wuz drawbax to our enjoyment. No sooner wood the
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President commence, “Fellow-citizens!” than Randall wood
pull the bell-rope, and off the trane wood start. He wuz
determined that the President shouldent speek, wich put me to
a grate deal uv trouble, ez after we arrived I hed to write
out and telegraph to the papers the speeches the President
wood hev made.
At Rawley, General Battles welcomed the Presidential party,
and the President responded. He remarked that in Rawley
he first opened his tender eyes, a penniless boy. Here is the
scene uv his childhood; here is everything to bind man to his
fellow, and to associate him with that with wich he is associated;
here is where the tenderness uv heart hev taken holt upon
everything to wich it hez attached itself. But he wuz wandrin
from his subjick. His mind went back to the day he left this
city a penniless boy. Where is them he left behind him? He
begged to inquire where is the scenes uv his childhood?
Where's the Haywoods?
“Killed at Antietam!” shouted a returned Confedrit. “I
wuz by William's side when he wuz shot.”
“Where is the Hunters?”
“Runnin a distillery at Waxhall's Court 'ouse,” sed this same
fellow, who thot the President really wantid to know. He wuz
choked down, and the President proceeded: —
“Wher is the Roysters and the Smithses, the Brownses and
the Joneses? Wher is the long list of men that lived at that
day, and who, like me, command respeck for constancy of
devoshen? I feel proud of this demonstrashen — I feel proud
of any demonstrashen. Ez alloosion hez bin made to my boyhood
days, when I wuz a penniless boy, I may say here, ez
pertinent to that subjeck, that I hev adhered to the fundamental
principles uv the gov'ment, and to the flag and Constooshen.
But to return to my subjeck. When I went out from
among yoo a penniless boy, I adoptid the Constooshen ez my
guide, and by them I hev alluz bin guided. To the young I
would say that they will be safe in takin me ez a model.
Leavin here a penniless boy, it is not for me to say whether
or not I hev succeeded. I am no longer a penniless boy, nor
is them wich are round me. Mrs. Cobb ain't a penniless boy;
nor is — But this is a wanderin from the subjeck. For the
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-- 443 -- p635-488
[figure description] Page 443.[end figure description]
encouragement uv the young men afore me, I wood say, that I
hev enjoyed all I care about. I am no aspirant for nothing, and
therefore the way I now open for em. All places uv honor
is now before em. I thank you for this corjel welcom.
North Caroliny sent me out a penniless boy, and did not
afford me sich advantages ez, considerin my merits, I ought
to hev hed; yet I luv her. It's better ez it wuz. Goin
out a penniless boy, and returnin after holdin every offis,
from Alderman uv my adopted village up to President, shows
my qualities to much better advantage than ef I hedn't gone
out a penniless boy. I thank you for this tribute to my many
good qualities.”
And he startid to go down, when Randall whispered suthin
in his left ear. Risin promptly, and drawin out his hankerchief,
the President assoomed a look uv subdood greef, and
resoomed.
“I hev come among yoo to participate in the dedicashen uv
a monument to a man wich yoo all loved, tho it hez taken suthin
like fifty yeers for yoo to diskiver it. He wuz poor and
humble, wich akkounts for my goin from among yoo a penniless
boy; but uv him I am proud, — for hed it not been for him, I
woodent hev returned the shinin example to yoo young men
wich I am.”
The corner-stun wuz laid, and the monument set on it. It is
uv red limestone, ten foot high. It's ez good a ten foot uv
stun respeck ez there is in North Carliny. Ez the monument
was elevatid, there wuz appropriate speeches, and then my
little arrangements cum in. A nigger woman I hed took with
us from Washington rushed for'ard, and sed, “Bless de Lord,
I'ze bin a waitin for dis day to see de President, — OUR President!”
at wich a squad uv niggers I'd picked up and drilled,
hollered “'Ror!”
This little affectin sceen over, two quadroons, wich I'd also
bro't with us in a privit car, cum for'ard with a expression of
profound greef, at wich the President wept, and tenderly slung
bokays uv the choicest flowers we cood buy in Washington,
upon the tomb.
It wuz reely a techin tabloo. The ancient nigger woman a
holdin the President's hand; the young quadroons a slingin the
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bokays; the President with his head bowed, apparently a
dreamin uv the days uv his boyhood; me with an expression
uv thankfulness that the niggers hed at last recognized their
Moses; Seward with a saintly smile on his face; Welles tryin
to look ez near like Seward as possible, but failin miserably to
look like anything but the eggrejis old ass he is, and Randall
with his handkercher to his eyes ez ef onmanned by the movin
sceen, but keepin one eye cocked over the handkercher to see
how it took among the niggers. It wuz a sceen easier to be
imagined than described.
Ther wuz incidents which occurred wich did not appear in
the telegraph. When his Excellency wuz speekin uv himself,
and remarkt that his race wuz nearly run, a unregenerated
nigger yelled out, “Tank de Lord!” And when the quadroons
wuz a strewin flowers on the grave uv His Excellency's
father, I observed rather more titterin among the niggers
than I approved uv on so sollum an occasion. I askt Randall
what he thought of the speckelashen, and his answer,
“It don't pay!” struck me ez havin a vane uv trooth runnin
through it.
On our return, the President wuz allowed to speek more,
for Randall got tired of watching him. We returned in good
health, and some was in good spirits. Seward feels well, for he
hez an abidin faith that the mere showin uv hisself alluz hez
an effeck for good upon the people, and ez a matter uv
course Secretary Welles thinks so to.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor.
eaf635n73* Senator Wilson, of Massachusetts, Representative Kelley, of Philadelphia,
and other prominent Republicans, in 1867 made the tour of the Southern States,
delivering addresses in the principal cities. To neutralize the effect of their
speaking President Johnson determined to follow them, and the laying of
the corner-stone of a monument, to the memory of his father, who died in
Raleigh, N. C., many years before, was made the occasion therefor. Mr.
Nasby's account of the trip is but little exaggerated. It was as exquisitely
absurd as the great Chicago excursion.
-- 445 -- p635-490
CXLIV. THE BOSTON EXCURSION.
Tremont House, Boston }
(wich is in the Stait uv Massachoosets),
June 25, 1867.
[figure description] Page 445.[end figure description]
*The Raleigh trip scarcely over, His Serene Highness determined
upon acceptin the Boston invitashen. His corjel recepshen
in North Karliny give him a sort uv appetite for popler
applause, and he determined upon tryin it in the North agin.
At the Cabinet meetin held to discuss the question, Seward
expressed a desire to go. Welles follered Seward; but Randall
opposed it.
“But,” sed Johnson, “I feel ez though I must make one
more effort to save our errin Southren brethren.”
“Mr. President,” retortid Randall, “I recently went to raise
a corner-stun to the memry uv yoor lamentid father, who
deceest in 1812, onto wich wuz engraved these words: —
`Jacob Johnson: died from the Effex uv a Disease superindoost
by a over Effort to save his Friends from drownin.'
“Now, ef yoo persist in yoor loonacy, I shel be compelled,
after a time, in my quiet Wisconsin home, where an appreciative
constitooency will permit me to forever stay, to indite an
epitaff for the corner-stun over your politikle grave, wich I
shel do thus: —
`Hic jacet Andrew Johnson,
Who died from the Effex uv a Disease superindoost by over
Effort in a great many Attempts to save his Politikle Friends
from bein strangled.
`Po kript. — The Friends wuzn't wuth the savin.'
“But upon sekond thot I've no objeckshun to this toor.
Yoo kin do us no damage ef yoo deliver only sich speeches ez
-- 446 --
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we determine upon beforehand. Yoo go thro Delaware,
which is ourn; Noo Jersey yoo've bin thro wunst, and they
know wat to expect; Noo York will give a enthoosiastic recepshun
ef Morrisy and Wood will take holt uv it, and in Connecticut
yoor certain uv a corjel resepshen. That State is full
uv demoralized Yankee Dimocrats, who hev bin out to Michigan,
and left there all ther Puritanism, bringin back with em,
in its stead, all the cussidnis indigenous to that soil, wich
cussidness, grafted onto ther natral cutenis, makes em rather
enterprisin in ther worthlisnis. In Boston itself, the prospeck
is good. There'll be a immense crowd present to dedicate the
Masonik Temple, wich we shell claim the credit uv bringin, ez
we did the throngs which come to see us on the toor North,
but wich wood persist in hollerin `Grant!' The trooly good
men uv Boston are Ablishnists; but there's some thousands
wich want offices, and them, with a sprinklin uv Demokrats
and Conservatives, ought to make us a handsome recepshen.
There is yet men in Boston who used to return fugitive slaves,
and ther is besides the eminently respectable gentlemen who
are so conservative that they hold onto sin becoz it's old and
established by precedent, and so aristocratic that they won't do
right, jist becoz doin rite is a common thing in that seckshun;
who hold onto the cote-tale uv progress, and holler `Stop!'
and who, ef they tie theirselves to a good cause, load it down
with their dignity. Like the 2d Lootenants uv '61, their
baggage is worth more'n they are. But the trip won't hurt us.
You can't make the Ablishnists more Ablishn, and them ez
foller us for the loaves and fishes we dispense, wood still foller
us, ef the road we took led ez strate through perdishen ez a
pigeon wood fly. It may be that it's the method by wich we
shel finally carry Noo England. Pope sez, —
`Vice is a monster uv such hidjus mien,
That to be hated needs but to be seen.'
“Now, ef we follered the poet no further, we shood never
go, but each one wood keep ez close in his respective apartment
ez possible. But, knowin mankind, he goes on: —
`But seen too oft, familiar with its face,
We first endoor, then pity, then embrace.'
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“That's it. We must be seen too oft. We must make em
familiar with our face. Ef we stay long enuff, I don't despair
uv seein Boston give yoo an ovashen, and seein yoo locked
in the arms uv Wendell Phillips. Ef they commence pityin
you, the reackshen will take them to the embracin, and it seems
ez though they ought to be at that pint by this time. And
then ef yoo make this toor, and say nothing ideotik, the very
novelty uv it will bewilder the people.”
And so it wuz decided to go. Thro Maryland the resepshens
wuz all that we desired, and in Delaware the people
come in crowds to greet us; tho the cheers partook so much
uv the nacher uv the cheerful yells wich the Confedrit soljers
employed when they charged, that Sekretary Seward's nerves
wuz somewhat shockt. Ez Philadelphy didn't offer us the
hospitalities uv the city, we didn't stop ther at all. The trane
run around it, the President's nose bein elevatid all the time
ez tho he smelt suthin. When it hed finally passed, Mr. Randall
announst the fact, and the Presidenshel face assoomed its
yoosual benine expression ez we glided into the sacred soil uv
Noo Jersey.
In Noo York, Morrissy hed done his part. Ther wuz spectable
bodies uv cheerers at the pints agreed upon, and, ez they
hed bin paid librally, the spontaneous enthoosiasm wuz ez
good in quality ez it wuz large in quantity. Occasionally a
cheerer, wich hed taken too much uv his wages in advance,
wood yell for Jeff'son Davis, but it wuzn't notist. It didn't
mar the pleasant uniformity uv the proceedins, or strike anybody
ez bein singler. They tried terrible hard to git a speech
out uv us, and the President wuz willin; but Randall, seein
reporters present, supprest him, and got him off to bed comparatively
sober, and very early.
Arrivin at Boston, I wuz surprized at the length, depth, and
breadth uv the enthoosiasm wich greeted us. Ez ef to show
ther greef at the death uv Presidents, we notist everywhere
the portraits of our predecessor, Linkin, draped in mournin, at
wich the President dropt a teer, sayin, “See how they mourn
us wen we're everlastinly gone!” Ther wuz a sort uv subdood
enthoosiasm, a kind uv half-mournin gladnis, ef I may say so,
wich wuz gratifyin.
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We wuz receeved by Gov'nor Bullock, whose speeeh wuz a
noble triboot to the President. “I welcome yoo,” sed he, “to
Massachoosits. Many Presidents hev visited Noo England, and
this visit, like theirn, excites devoshen to the Yoonion, and
respeck for them, wich, in their offishel posishen, respeck the
government uv the whole country. Our desire is to manifest
our regard for those who, in offishel capacity, respeck the
Nashnel Yoonion, wich is to say, we respeck the Nashnel
Yoonion. I trust the President will stay long enuff to enable
us to manifest our high regard for — (here the President's face
brightened up) YOOR OFFIS! (the President turned frightfully
red, wich Bullock, whose principles wuz a rasslin a back holt
with his politeness, notist, and he added) — AND TO YOO
PERSONALLY!”
Ez them last words ishood slowly and despritly, the President's
face lighted up. He tendered him thanks for the
resepshun. He woodent undertake to conceel emoshens which
agitated him at this personel welcome upon the soil uv Massachoosits.
It wuzn't necessary for him to go into the histry
uv Massachoosets ez he wuz in the habit uv doin further
South, ez those afore him wuz probably ez familyer with it ez
he wuz; but he wood ashoor em, for their encouragement, that
the histry uv Massachoosits, in conneckshn with the histry uv
these States, hez become a part uv the histry uv the country;
and therefore, in visitin Massachoosits under sich pekoolyer
circumstances, it is pekoolyerly gratifyin to receeve sich a
welcome. In regard to yoor remarks tetchin the preservashen
uv these States, I trust I may say without egotism, a vice
wich I hev never bin accused uv, and from wich I may say no
one is more singlerly free than myself, I yield to no patriot,
livin or dead, in my devoshen, to that purpose. I dislike
speekin, ez I kin trooly say that I am not loquashus; but when
trooth, wich I love, and the cause uv humanity, wich I tie to,
is at stake, I hev spoke. I may say, without egotism, that I
live for principle; and I thank the people uv Massachoosits,
wich my visit hez drawd to Boston, for the outburst uv regard
wich greets me. Without egotism I may say, that it's a outburst
ekalled by few and excelled by none ever given a President
in the Yoonited States or elsewhere; and it is my prayer
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that comin in contact with me will do the people uv Boston
good. Yoor remarks, not referrin directly to me, on the
Rooshn purchis, and a more economical collecshin uv the
internal revenue, also meets my corjel approbashen, lovin ez
I do my common country.”
Randall pulled at his coat-tale, when the President remarkt
that he might say, without egotism, that he didn't desire to
make a speech, and stopt. We brought him off in comparatively
good order.
We stopt at the Tremont House. It is a good hotel, and the
waiters are, ez they ought to be, niggers. It's soothin to a troo
Dimekrat to be waited on by a nigger. You kin damn a nigger
waiter, but put a white man in that posishen and yoo feel a
delicacy about it. When we retired, the President insisted
that I shood sleep lyin across the doorway uv his room.
“Why?” asked I.
“I am in Boston,” replied he, “wher they stun the prophets.
Boston dislikes me. Boston wears to-day a smilin face; but
wat kind uv a hart does that smilin face conceal? Sumner
lives in Boston, and so does Phillips. In Boston they elect
niggers to the Legislacher, and are tryin to stop the sale uv
whiskey. Wat kind uv a place is that for a Dimekratic President
to trust hisself into? Yoo sleep across my doorway, and
ef a band uv Ablishnists, deemin me their foe, shood strive to
enter, they wood hev to first sheath their daggers in yoor
body. Meanwhile I wood escape, and continyoo to live for my
lovd country. Yoo cood, by preparin beforehand a few impressive
last words, make a gorjus death uv it, and do the coz
good. For instance, ez Sumner stuck yoo, yoo cood gasp,
“Slay me, but spare A. J., the hope uv the Republic.” Or, ez
Wilson struck yoo down with a bludgeon, yoo mite exclaim,
“I die willinly for the Constitooshen with 36 stars onto it.”
Any little quotashen from any uv my speeches, joodiciously
throwd in under sich circumstances, wood do good. Yoo will
sleep ther to-night; and remember, in case you are called upon
to die, the proper quotashens.”
Seward concurred, but Randall objectid. He didn't anticipate
any sich danger. Ef Boston wants to git rid uv the
President, they hev a shorter way than assassinashen. Rash
-- 450 -- p635-495
[figure description] Page 450.[end figure description]
politishuns only assassinate them wich they can't find cause
to impeach. But he wuzn't afraid uv Boston. We stood a
better chance uv dying of excessive hospitality in Boston than
uv bein stabbed. Our stumicks mite protrude in Boston, but
our bowels never. Boston wood feast us, for ther are enuff
men in Boston who want posishsn to keep us a goin a year or
two. He feared dyspepsia more than daggers, and hed no
fears uv the wine bein pizened.
Nevertheless, I wuz forced to sleep in that posishen, wich I
did, wakin up in the mornin ez sore and stiff ez a plow-hoss.
I don't know how far the trip will be extended.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor.
eaf635n74* The Masonic bodies could not dedicate their magnificent temple without
inviting the President of the United States to participate in the ceremonies.
As usual he tried to turn the visit to New England to account. He was treated
with respect, and that was all.
CXLV. MR. NASBY DREAMS A DREAM.
Tremont House, Boston }
(wich is in the Stait uv Massachoosets),
June 29, 1867.
*Last nite I received a letter from Deekin Pogram, in wich
he desired me to ascertain whether or no there wuz eny
bottom to the Northern Dimocrisy. Captain McPelter sed the
Northern Dimocrisy wus strong enuff to carry us uv Kentucky
throo, while Pollock, the Illinoyer, swore the Northern Dimocrisy
hed a considerable more to do to carry themselves than
they hed bin able to accomplish for some time — that in a
pullin match a corpse wuzn't uv much akkount, ef it wuz a big
one. With this letter in my hand I fell asleep, and dreemed.
Methawt I wuz in Noo Orleans at a gatherin uv the Faithful,
-- 451 --
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who wuz called together for the purpose of considrin wat to
do. Sum few wuz in favor uv submission, and hed got the
majority uv the Southern people to agree with em that ther
wuz no yoose uv further resistance, and they wuz jist about to
so declare, when Vallandigham, Ben Wood, Toucey, Morrissey,
Voorhees, and a score or two more uv that kind, rushed in and
begged uv em to hold out. “Why submit?” sed Vallandigham.
“We'll sustain yoo. Northern Dimocrisy is a giant
wich kin yet pertect yoo. He's in his prime, and strong enuff
yit to carry yoo throo twice the troubles wich threatens yoo.
Depend onto us — we'll carry yoo.”
And the Southerners whopped over to their side and yelled
fiercely, “No submission!” and immejitly the entire bilin uv
em startid North with these men, to ascertain the strength and
carryin capacity uv the Northern Dimocrisy. Methawt the
party travelled until they come to a vast plain in Kentucky,
onto wich wuz extendid the prostrate form uv a Giant. It
was a Giant, immense in statoo, but emaciated to the last
degree. His limbs hed bin strong, his teeth terrible, and his
trunk massive; but it wuz plane to see that he wuz pegged
out, and a look at its face showed why it wuz so. Dissipation
had redoost him to helplessnis. His face wuz bloatid and bloo,
his eyes wuz sot and ghastly, his chest was holler and sunken,
his legs like pipe-stems, and ulcers, boils, sores, broozes, and
contooshens kivered him from head to foot, and he drawd his
breath with a effort.
He lay a groanin and a groanin. Randall wuz a tenderly
feedin him out uv a huge bottle, labelled “Appintments,”
which appeared to give him temprary strength; but the effect
of that wuz lost by President Johnson's dosin him with an
offensiv smellin mixter, labelled “Policy,” every swaller uv
wich wood throw him into a spasm. Governor English was
rubbin one arm with a liniment Randall gave him, and hed
succeeded in gittin up a little circulation in it.
“Wat is this?” askt the Southerners.
“Northern Dimocrisy!” sed English, rubbin away vigrously.
“Is this the Giant which is to carry us?” said the Southern
gentleman, viewin the disgustin objict doubtfully.
“Certainly!” sed Johnson. “Now can't you git up?” sed
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[figure description] Page 452.[end figure description]
he to the prostrate bein, givin it a very large swaller out uv
his bottle. The Giant made an effort, but flopped down agin
like a dish-rag.
“Gentlemen!” sed Vallandigham, “we shel hev to call upon
you to assist in settin him onto his feet, and then it'll be all rite
with him. He's bin this way afore.”
Accordingly, the Southerners gathered around him to lift
him up. His arms, I notist, wuz marked respectively Connecticut
and Delaware, and his legs Maryland and Kentucky, and
in them there wuz strength, for ez soon ez the innocent Southerners
got near enuff he wrapped them limbs around em, and
sed, “Lift!”
“We can't,” sed they.
“Yoo must,” sed he; “I got into this condishen fightin yoor
battles, and doin yoor work. I was strong and vigorous until
I got to runnin after yoor harlots; and for yoor sake I wuz
druv out uv my native States into this accussid region. Yoo
must carry me wat time I hev yet to live. Hist me!”
Those caught coodent get away, and the others generously
come to ther aid, and makin a terrible effort, they raised the
half-dead bein onto their shoulders, holdin their noses meanwhile,
and prepared to start. Es the percession wuz about to
move, Vallandigham remarked, “Stop a minit, gentlemen!”
and, loaded ez he wuz with his war record, he clambered up
ther shoulders and took a seat on the carkiss. Voorhees, jist
ez badly encumbered, did likewise, and so did the Woods, and
Bookannan, Seymour, Toucey, and a hundred or so more, the
unfortunit bearers sweatin under this addishnal load.
“Is all ready?” sed they.
“One moment!” sed Johnson, and him, and Randall, and
Seward climbed up.
This wuz the last feather. The bearers mite hev staggered
off under the carkiss, and them wich climbed onto it first, but
this last addishn to ther burden wuz friteful. It finisht em.
Groanin under the weight, they swayed like a leaf in the
wind, — like a majestic tree jist about to fall. They struggled
a minit to maintain themselves — but in vain. A breef struggle—
a desprit gasp — they give up, and ther knees doublin
up, the whole concern come to the earth with a squashin sound,
-- 453 -- p635-498
[figure description] Page 453.[end figure description]
and the half-decomposed mass sorter fell apart. Raymond and
Thurlow Weed, wich hed bin hangin round, got out from under
jist in time to save theirselves. The Southerners got out
from under the putrid mass, tho almost smothered by the
stench. Vallandigham and that class made lite uv it, ez they
had bin around it. It staggered Johnson some, but he hed
bin accustomed to suthin approximatin very closely to it in
the old times, and it didn't serously affect him; but poor
Randall, Seward, and Welles were smothered, and died.
I wuz tryin to pull Randall's corpse out, when the effort
I wuz makin awoke me.
I ain't altogether certain but that that dream means suthin.
When I think of it, it is rather preposterous for us to hope the
Northern Dimocracy will carry us, when they can't carry a
single State uv their own; jist about ez preposterous ez it is
for them to look to us for help, when all uv us ez wood jine
em hevn't got a vote. Pollock's remark, — “In a pullin match,
a corpse ain't of muck akkount, even ef it is a big one,” —
weighs onto my mind. Suthin can't come out uv nothin;
tho ez in the case uv Seward, nothin may come out uv suthin.
Ef we cood git — but, pshaw! we can't. Thank the Lord, we
kin hold the Post offises two years yit.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor.
eaf635n75* The more sagacious of the Southern Democracy were for a long time
anxious to submit to the inevitable results of the war, but the masses were kept
in a state of turmoil by the promises of the Northern Democracy to carry them
through. And these promises were made in full view of their inability to carry
any of the Northern States.
CXLVI. THE NEGRO QUESTION. — THE CHANGE.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the State uv Kentucky),
July 19, 1867.
The Radikel party hed bin forst into takin nigger suffrage
into their embrace, and methinks we hev em now. To aid our
friends in the North, we hev taken the step backward, and are
now where we started from. The directers uv the college
-- 454 --
[figure description] Page 454.[end figure description]
met and changed the name uv the Institooshn back to the
“Southern Military and Classikle Institoot,” and the Corners
wuz itself agin. Deekin Pogram lookt ez tho ten years hed
bin lifted off him. “How pleasant 'tis,” sed he, “to walk erect
agin in front uv a nigger, and to pass em ez tho they wuz
niggers! O, ef I cood only wallop one wunst more, methinks
I cood die happy!”
The trouble is, we oppose nigger suffrage from too many
stand-pints. Some oppose it on the skore uv the inferiority of
the Afrikin; but our people may hev assented to it outwardly,
but in ther own minds they objected. “Ef,” sed a reliable
Dimokrat to hisself, “ef that's the rool, WAT IN THUNDER IS TO
BECOME UV ME!”
Likewise the idea uv onfitness. “They can't read nor rite!”
shreeks a injoodishus cuss, speekin to a audience, two thirds
uv wich go to him reglerly to reed their ballots to em, and
who, when they sign promissory notes, put an X atween their
first and last names.
Anuther speeker quotes Noah to em, and boldly asserts that
the nigger is the descendant uv Ham, and that he is the identikle
indivijjle wich wuz cust by Noah; but he runs agin the
fact that the rest uv em, wich is in Afrika yet, hev managed to
dodge the cuss, ez they ain't servin ther white brethren, and
them wich wuz brot here to be Chrischinized hev busted ther
bonds, and are jest about ez free ez anybody.
I want a Convenshun uv the lights uv the party to set forth
authoritively WHY we oppose nigger suffrage — to give a
reason for it, that all our people may act together, ez do other
well-regulated machines.
I hev made up my mind wot platform to lay down. I shel
go back on Ham, Hager, and Onesimus. I shel turn from the
inferiority idea, and take the broad ground that the nigger is a
beast; that he ain't a man at all; and consekently he hez no
more rites than any other animal. I put my foot onto him by
authority of the decree that unto man wuz given dominion
over the beasts; that we are men, and they are beasts. Ef
they admit the first proposishen, they will the last. I shel
assert boldly and brodly his onfitnis to mingle with us, becoz
his fizzikle structure bein different, goes to show that he wuz
-- 455 --
[figure description] Page 455.[end figure description]
uv a different origin, and uv a lower origin. I shel plant
myself on the stoopenjus, yet simple proposishen, that the
Almity made him at a different time and for a different purpus,
wich I shel show by citin the color uv his skin, the length
uv his foot, the shape uv his head, and sich other matters as I
kin git together in time for the Convenshen.
Uv course this doctrine will meet with objectors. We hev a
few thin-skinned perfessers uv religion, whose piety service in
our ranks hezn't quite obliterated, who will say that these dogmas
undermines the Christian religion. To this I shel answer,
Uv wot comparison is any religion a Orthodox Dimocrat hez
to a triumph uv the party? Wot hez Dimocrisy to do with
religion anyhow? It hez never permitted it to mix in its
pollytix. Dimocrisy bleeves in keepin Church and State ez
far apart ez possible.
Shood the Ablishnists pint to niggers wich reed and write,
I say to-wunst that there is different degrees uv instink, —
that ez one dorg hez more instink than another, that so one
nigger hez more than another; and then I shood wind this
answer up by askin him, “Sir, wood you force yoor dawter to
marry a nigger, even ef he cood reed and write?” This hez
alluz done good service, partikelerly ef yoo walk hurridly
away before there is time for an answer.
Ther is one pint wich is a stumper — but only one. One
man to whom I unfolded this theory, asked me, sneerinly, wat
I wuz a goin to do with a mulatter who wuz half white and
half black — half man and half beast — half instink, wich dies
with him, and half sole, wich wuz to be saved and fitted for
the skies, or lost? When a mulatter dies, wat then? Does
the half sole uv the half man drag the instink uv the beast
behind it in a limpin, lop-sided fashion, into heaven? or does
the instink drag the sole into the limbo for animals? “Ef this
latter idea be correct,” sed he, “in that limbo how much Southern
sole is floatin about, held in solooshen in animal instink!”
We hed a meetin last nite to consider this nigger question,
wich wood hev resultid in great good, and hed a powerful
inflooence towards strengthenin the hands uv our brethren in
the North, who are fightin the heresy uv nigger suffrage, hed
it not bin for that irritashen, Pollock, and that pest, Joe Bigler.
-- 456 --
[figure description] Page 456.[end figure description]
I hed made my regler speech on the nigger, and with much
effect. I hed quoted from sumboddy's quotashen from Agassiz,
which demonstrated the radicle difference there is atween the
Afrikin and the proud Caucashen, arguin from the length uv
his heel and arm, the thickness uv his skull, and so forth, that
the nigger wuz totally unfit to exercise the rites uv free men.
I wuz applauded vociferously, and by none more than Pollock
and Joe Bigler. Ez I took my seat, and wuz a wipin the perspirashen
from my classikle brow, feelin that I hed settled that
question, Pollock riz, and desired to say a few words.
“I hev listened with interest to the elokent speeker, and am
happy to say I hev learned fax wich is new to me. Ef I hev
ever doubted the inferiority uv the nigger, them doubts are
removed, pervidin alluz, that the statements uv the speeker is
troo, uv wich I hev no doubt, ez the caracter uv the speeker is
a suffishent guarantee for the trooth uv wichever he sez.”
I bowed, stately-like, with the air uv one to whom sich compliments
wuz a every-day affair, wich they ain't, by no means;
on the contrary, quite the reverse.
“But I want it demonstrated to the satisfackshen uv the
most obtoose. I want rite here a measurement uv the average
Afrikin and the average white man, that all the world may
know the difference. I move that it be did.”
I acceded. “Let it be done,” sed I, “that the vexed question
may be settled forever.”
Joe Bigler sed he saw Napoleon Johnson — a nigger wich
wunst belonged to Deekin Pogram — in the audience. “Napoleon,”
sed he, “will yoo contribbit yoorself to the great
science uv ethnology? Ain't yoo willin to let us yoose yoo a
while to demonstrate the grate and growin trooth, that yoor
grandfather wuz a monkey? Step up, Napoleon.”
Napoleon stept up, and Pollock and I measured him, with
this result: —
| Height |
5 feet 8 inches. |
| Weight |
150 lbs. averdupoise. |
| Length uv foot |
12 inches. |
| Breadth uv foot |
5 inches. |
| Length uv hand |
8½ inches. |
-- 457 --
[figure description] Page 457.[end figure description]
| Breadth uv hand |
4 inches. |
| Length uv forearm |
11 inches. |
| Length uv bone from ankle to knee |
6 inches. |
| Projeckshun uv heel |
4 inches. |
| Capassity uv skull, wich, bein the top or
cap uv the vertebral column, so to
speek, is, accordin to Hippocratees, a
trooly scientific Greek, a very important
bone for pretty much all uv the
races |
66 cubic inches. |
“Now,” sed Pollock, “let us examine in the same way a
avrage specimen uv the Caucashen race, ez he is found in this
delectable spot. Will Issaker Gavitt be good enuff to step
forrerd? I perpose to demonstrate the sooperiority uv the
Caucashen with a two foot rool. Figgers won't lie.”
Issaker stept up and wuz measured: —
| Height |
5 feet 8 inches. |
| Weight |
150 lbs. |
| Length uv hand |
7½ inches. |
| Breadth uv hand |
3½ inches. |
| Length uv foot |
11 inches. |
| Breadth uv foot |
4½ inches. |
| Projeckshen uv heel |
1½ inches. |
| Length uv forearm |
10 inches. |
| Length uv bone from ankle to knee |
15 inches. |
| Capassity uv skull |
97 cubic inches. |
Pollock wuz delited! “Here,” sed he, “it is in a nut-shell.
Issaker hez a shorter hand, a more narrer hand, a shorter and
narrerer foot, and his heel projecks less than the nigger's by
2½ inches! Good Lord, how I hev bin deseeved! Wat errors
I hev bin nussin! How kin a human bein hev intelleck whose
heel projecks four inches? How rejoict am I that I am at last
set rite on these important pints!”
I smiled beniantly onto him.
Bigler riz. “I, too,” sed he, “am satisfied that the nigger
is not wat we, who wuz disposed to consider him fit to exercise
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[figure description] Page 458.[end figure description]
rites, supposed him to be. I held firm when the measurement
uv his hands and arms wuz bein made, but the heel staggered
me. It's clear that no one kin hev intelleck whose leg isn't set
in his foot better than that. I shel persoo this investigashen.
Hevin now a startin-pint, — a heel, ez I may say, to stand on,—
I shel go on to prove the inferiority uv the nigger. With
that heel for a fulcrum, I shel, with the lever uv trooth, proceed
to upset the fabric uv nigger ekality, and carry confooshen
into Boston. I shel assoom that Napoleon is a average specimen
uv the lower, or unintellectooal Afriken type. Is it so?”
“It is! It is!” yelled we all, delited at the happy turn the
thing wuz takin.
“I shell also assoom that Issaker Gavitt is a avrage uv the
higher or intellectooal Caucashen type. Is it so?”
“Certinly! Certinly!”
“Very well. Now quake, Massachoosets! Napoleon, kin
yoo read?”
I saw the trap into wich we hed fallen, and risin hastily,
protestid that the examinashen hed bin carried far enuff,
but Bigler swore he wuz a goin to kiver Massachoosets with
shame.
“Kin yoo read, Napoleon?”
“Yes, sah!”
“Read this, then,” sed Bigler, handin him a noosepaper.
The nigger read it ez peert ez a Noo England skool marm,
wich well he mite, ez he learned it from one uv em.
“Kin yoo write?”
“Certinly;” and takin a pencil he writ half uv the Declarashen
uv Independence.
“Set down, Napoleon. It's a devilish pity yoor heels is so
long; otherwise yood be credited with hevin intellek. Now
Issaker, my bold Caucashen, kin yoo read?”
“I protest!” shreeked I, in agony. “Issaker, don't answer
the skoffer at ethnology!”
But Issaker, white ez a sheet, and tremblin under the eye
uv Bigler, stuttered “No!”
“Kin yoo rite, my gay desendant uv the sooperior race?”
“No!”
“Kin yoo cipher?”
-- 459 -- p635-504
[figure description] Page 459.[end figure description]
“What in thunder's the yoose uv cipherin, when the old man
alluz kep a nigger to do his figgerin?”
“Set down, Issaker. We're done with you. There's an
error sumwher. The nigger's capassity uv skull is less by
sevral cubic inches, but he seems to hev made a lively yoose
uv wat he hez. But it's all rite, Parson. Issaker shel vote, and
the nigger shan't. Reedin and writin never wuz a qualificashen
for votin down here, any way. Possibly the seat uv the
intellek is in the heel instead uv the brain, wich accounts
for the nigger's hevin the most uv it.”
And Pollock and Bigler, and the niggers present, left the
meetin-house, laffin uproarously.
I doubt whether the result uv the investigashen will help
our friends North. The fact is, it wuz overdone. It wuz
carried too fur. There is a pint at wich facts ought to stop —
Dimekratic facts in partikeler. In this instance, the investigashen
shood never hev bin carried beyond the heel. Hed it
stopt there, we wood hev hed em. But carryin it to the
radical pint to wich Bigler and Pollock took it, the foundashen
we built wuz upset, and we are all at sea agin.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CXLVII. A CONSULTATION AT THE CORNERS, FOLLOWED BY A DREAM.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
August 1, 1867.
*Last nite there wuz a convocashen uv the saints connected
with the Institoot, to take sweet counsel together onto matters
connected with the institooshen uv learnin, the success uv
-- 460 --
[figure description] Page 460.[end figure description]
wich is so dear to all uv us. The conversashen happened to
turn upon the conferrin uv honorary degrees, Deekin Pogram
sed that he hed notist that all the leadin colleges uv the
country hed a practis uv conferrin titles, sich as “M. D.,”
“A. B.,” “LL. D.,” and sich, onto distinguished men, though he
wuz free to say that he didn't know wat in thunder they meant,
or wat they wuz good for; but he hed notist in a noospaper
that no college hed yet conferred any sich onto Androo Johnson.
He wood sejest that ez a rebook to the hide-bound institooshens
uv the North, this college do to-wunst confer all uv
em, and ez meny more ez there is, onto Mr. Johnson. Bascom
remarkt that he didn't kno whether the President wood feel
complimentid. “You know, Deekin,” sed he, “that this ain't
much uv a college.”
“Troo,” sed the blessid old peece uv innosence, “troo, troo;
but then, to balance that, Johnson ain't much of a President,
yoo kno.”
And so the honorary degrees wuz conferred, and notis
thereof wuz sent him immejitly. From this the question uv
the next nominee uv the party for President came up. Bascom,
who isn't a far-seein man, asserted that it wood be necessary
to nominate Grant. The Deekin remarkt that he thought
it wood be safe, but McPelter thought different. He didn't
bleeve, in the first place, that it become a Peace party, or at
least a party wich, ef it dipped its hands in gore at all, did
it mostly in Northern gore, to take up a Northern General,
wich hed dun his best towards sendin many thousands of
Southners to their long homes; and besides, the General
wouldn't take it.
Various opinions wuz expressed by various persons, when,
without comin to any conclusion, we separatid. I retired that
nite earlier than usual, and, dwellin on the chances uv my
continuin in offis in case uv Grant's accession, I fell into a
troubled sleep and dreamed a dream.
Methawt gathered in front uv the White House wuz a
galliant array uv our friends. There wuz Franklin Peerce, and
Bookanan, and Vallandigum, and the Woods, and Magoffin, and
Monroe, and Brite, and Breckinridge, and the leaders uv the
Dimocrisy, all a standin ther lookin wishfully at the White
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[figure description] Page 461.[end figure description]
House, and wonderin how and by wat means they cood git in.
Johnson, blessins on his head, stood onto the portico wavin to
'em to come, but alass! guardin the passage stood a mighty
host uv Ablishnists, armed and clad in armor, and in such
force ez to make the stormin uv it hopelis.
“How shall we get in?” sighed Belmont.
“Ah, indeed, how?” ansered Henry Clay Dean.
“That's the great question?” ekoed Wood.
“My friends,” sed Thurlow Weed, “it's easy enuff. When
you can't sore like the eagle, crawl like the snake. Sorein is
preferable, but crawlin will do at a pinch. Is there not the
Lion uv the Republic? Can't you git him out and mount him?
The Ablishnists hev a regard for that same Lion, and will never
discharge ther arrers at you when yoor on his back, for fear
uv killin him. Besides, yoor ridin him will in some degree doo
away with the prejoodis they hev agin yoo.”
“But how kin we mount him?” said they.
“Trust to us for that,” said Weed, and him and Raymond
trotted off together.
They got the Lion out, but ez soon ez he cast his eyes onto
the crowd, he uttered a roar which struck terror into their
soles, and lashed the ground with his tail, and cast up dust
with his claws, in a manner fearful to behold.
“He'll never stand it!” said Weed, “onless he's blindfolded;”
and Thurlow wrapped Raymond like a wet dish-rag
over his eyes; and that done, him and Randall pared his nails
and blunted his teeth (so that ef the bandage should wriggle
off, and he shood see wher he wuz, he coodent hurt anybody),
and shaved his mane, till he looked like a very innocent Lion
indeed, so that his appearance woodent startle them not used
to his fiercenis, and in that condishen they led him very quietly
down to the crowd and give the word to mount.
Wat a scramble ther wuz! They piled on from the tip uv
his ears to the end uv his tale; and them wich coodent git on
for lack uv room, hung to the feet uv them wich had got on,
until it wuz nothin less than a pirrymid of Democrats.
Finally, when all wuz loaded, the word wuz given, and the
Lion moved off. They wuz delited. He hed strength enuff to
carry em, and he wuz a carryin em strate to the White House,
and at a good pace, too.
-- 462 --
[figure description] Page 462.[end figure description]
Ez they approached the portals, the Ablishn defenders uv the
place opened onto em.
“Hold!” said Weed, “wood you destroy the Lion uv the
Republic?”
“Stay yoor hands!” shreeked Raymond. “The savior uv
the country is under us.”
But they lafft them to scorn.
“It's Brite and Vallandighum, the Woods, et settry, we're
firin at,” shreekt they, singin, as they fought, “The Battle Cry
uv Freedom,” “John Brown's body lies a mouldin in the
grave!” and sich other sacriligious odes. “It's them we see,
and them we'll kill.”
And they belted away, till the whole mass wuz stretched
dead and dyin on the plain.
Then they came up and began to turn over the corpses, one
by one, until at last they came to the body uv the Lion, which,
peerced thro and thro, wuz ez dead ez any uv em.
“My God!” sed they, “it is the Lion after all!”
“And we've slayed him!” sed another.
“Well!” remarkt a third, “we coodent help it. He was so
kivered up with this carrion that I coodent make out what it
wuz they wuz a ridin. Let us give him a decent burial for the
good he hez done, and forget, ef we kin, the company he
died in.”
And at this kritikle juncture I awoke.
I hev an idea I can see a sort uv a warnin in this dream. It
occurs to me, —
1st. That if we do ride Grant, we'll hev to divest him uv his
mane, teeth, and claws, wich is the identical qualities wich
makes him valuable to us.
2d. That with us on his back, we will probably succeed in
killing him without savin us. Grant might deodorize a dozen
or two uv us, but the whole party! Faugh! It wood be a
pint of cologne to a square mile uv carrion.
3d. That ef we wuz wrapt all around him, the people woodent
be able to see him anyhow, and wat good wood he do us?
Interpretin the dream thus, I shel oppose the nomination.
Besides, I doubt whether all the Weeds and Raymonds in the
country kin so manipulate him ez to bring him quietly into our
-- 463 -- p635-508
[figure description] Page 463.[end figure description]
ranks. We mite possibly go over to him, and thus git the
privilege of votin for him, but wherefore? How about the
offisis then? Ef the Ablishnists vote for him, and we vote for
him, the obligation is ekal, and between us is ther any doubt
wich he'd chose? I don't want to take sich chances. I'm
opposed to the movement. I care not what others may do, but
ez for me, give me straightout Dimocrisy or nothin. McClellan
wuz a vencher wich satisfied me ez to the propriety uv undertakin
to set a roarin lion a convoyin a flock uv peaceful lambs
into green pasters.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n76* The Democracy in 1867 really contemplated the nomination of General
Grant for the Presidency; indeed, the leaders went so far as to intimate to him
that he could have the position if he would accept it.
CXLVIII. AN AMNESTY PROCLAMATION.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 10, 1867.
*I wuz brot to Washinton by a despatch. His Eggslency hed
at last determined to put his foot down — to assert his power,
and to take measures sich ez wood bring to the top, where
they properly belong, that large class uv the citizens uv the
Republic who wuz engaged in the little onpleasantnis, wich
the Ablishnists took advantage uv to deprive em uv their
rites, and to keep em from exercisin the inflooence in the
government they are, and alluz wuz, entitled to. In short,
ez Congress wuz adjourned, and coodent, by no means, be
got together till November, the President wuz convinced
that it wuz his dooty to improve his time, and be reelly
President.
-- 464 --
[figure description] Page 464.[end figure description]
The consultation over the Proclamation wuz long and painful.
Binckley, who is now runnin the government mostly, hed
written the whereases, wich is the most uv the document.
Seward hed taild onto em the Proclamation proper, wich wuz
so small ez to give it a tad-pole appearance, and it wuz to be
discussed. All uv em wuz in favor uv it but me. Ez anxious
ez I wuz for the liberashen uv our friends in the Southern
States; ez anxious ez I wuz to give that blessid saint, Deekin
Pogram, a chance to wallop a nigger agin afore he died, without
bein interfered with by a bloo-coated hirelin, I still hed a
dread. “Dare yoo,” sed I, “go further in this biznis? Isn't
impeachment at the end uv it, ef yoo stir up this matter?
And with Wade in the Presidenshel chair — my God! Pollock
wood hev MY post-offis! My liege, I hed a dream last nite.
Methawt —”
“Go on with the dream,” sed His Eggslency. “Go on, and
I will be yoor Joseph to interpret it.”
“Kin yoo assoom the caracter uv Joseph, and carry it out,”
sed Randall, “with Mrs. Cobb in Washinton?”
This interupshen preventid me from narratin my dreem, so I
resoomed at the pint at wich I wuz interruptid. “And my
opinion is the opinion uv all yoor appintees. The offis-holder
is naterally a Conservative. Agitashun, my liege, mite shake
us out uv our places. On yoo we hang, — yoo are our hope,
our anker, and our cheefest trust.”
And my remarks, wich I delivered with a tremblin voice, and
with teers rollin down my furrowed cheeks, — I felt the solemnity
uv the occasion, for wat cood I do ef turned out into the
cold world at my age? — wuz receeved with peals uv lafture.
“My deer sir!” sed A. J., “yoor innosence surprises me.
Impeach me! Never, so long ez filial and family love is a distinguishin
carakteristic uv the leedin minds uv America, —
never, so long ez a senator hez a nephew to provide for, or a
brother who wants a place. Ah! that love uv blood relashuns!
Wat a beautiful thing it is! And how strong is the
marriage relation wich prompts a man, when he hez promised
to love, cherish, and protect a wife, to go cherishin and protectin
all her brothers' and her sisters' children — the love goin
frekently, like leprosy, to the third generashun! Thank the
-- 465 --
[figure description] Page 465.[end figure description]
Lord for it! It's my only holt! Set yoor mind at eeze by
peroozin these,” and he tost me a bundle uv letters, neatly
done up, and labelled “Letters from Radicle Members uv the
House and Senit.”
A lite dawned onto me ez I opened the first one. It wuz
from a distinguished Senator, and read, ez near ez I kin
remember now, thus: —
“Senit Chamber, March 6, 1867.
“To the President: Notwithstandin the slite difference uv
opinion that may egzist between us on certin minor questions
uv public policy, and despite the unguarded expressions I may
hev indulged in in the heet uv debate, I kin trooly say that I
hev ever cherished the most endoorin faith in the rectitood uv
yoor intenshuns, the honesty uv yoor purpose, and the purity
uv yoor motives. I hev a nephew in my State who desires
the posishen uv Assessor uv Internal Revenoo. He is capable
and honest; and while he hez alluz voted the Republican
ticket, he hez dun it so mildly ez not to be objeckshenable to
those who differ with him. Indeed, last fall he wuz accoosed,
and perhaps justly, uv votin for a candidate for Congress who
wuz a supporter uv yoor policy, wich, tho I do not in all
respecks accept, hez, I must acknowledge, many pints in it to
recommend it to a discriminatin people. I shood esteem his
nominashen a persnal favor.
“With sentimence uv the most profound respect and esteem,
“I remain admirinly, yours,
“— —.”
“P. S. It is, I trust, onnecessary for me to state that I
regard all projecks of impeachment ez wild, visionary, onnecessary,
and dangerous; and no sich projeck kin ever reseeve my
support. I forgot to menshen that a brother uv mine, who hez
never taken a part in politics, and hez, therefore, his opinyuns
to organize, wood gladly accept any posishen under the Government,
and a brother-in-law woodent be averse to simlar
employment. It's a matter uv no consekence to yoo, uv coorse,
but I shel oppose the reassemblin uv Congress till the regler
time in December. I am inflexibly opposed to establishin
-- 466 --
[figure description] Page 466.[end figure description]
dangerous precedents. Shood yoo make the appintments I
desire, I kin git em confirmed by the Senit, ez well ez an
ekal number uv yoor own appintments. In matters uv this
kind ther must be compromises.”
In my surprise I uttered a prolonged whistle. “Them
appintments wuz made,” sed His Eggslency, with a sardonicle
smile. “Them appintments wuz made. Read another —
there's a varied and well-selected assortment uv em. The
Senit is my fish-pond. I drop my hook therein, baited with a
Assessorship, and bless me, how they bite at it! Go on.”
“Senit Chamber, March 7, 1867.
“To the President: I am, ez yoo are aware, known ez a
Radical; but between generous foes there kin be none of that
terrible spirit uv blind hate which characterizes some uv my
associates, who shel be here nameless. I will say, however,
that ef the Senators from Massachoosets, and some others I
cood menshun, wood resine or die, they wood confer a favor
upon the country. I oppose you becoz I differ with yoo, ez
does my State; but that opposishen hez never lessened my
high admirashen uv your patriotism, yoor even temper, or the
many good qualities uv your head and heart, wich shine out so
conspickuous. I hale you ez a worthy successor uv the first
A. J. I hed not intended to mix things persnel to myself in
this friendly triboot, but will do violence to my feelins by
observin that the posishun uv Collector at — is admirably
adapted to a cousin uv mine, whose talence ez a lawyer hez
never bin appreciated by those who know him best. He
agrees with me that impeachment is not to be thot uv, and
that sessions uv Congress, other than reglar ones, is uselis.
Shood yoo be pleased to make the appintment, I shel be proud
to return the favor in any way possible. Ef it woodent be
askin too much, a son uv mine wood be glad to serve his
country ez a Inspector uv Revenoo. Inheritin from me devoshun
to our common country, he burns to devote himself to
her service.
“With sentiments uv profound respect,
“I am, yours, as ever,
“— —.”
-- 467 --
[figure description] Page 467.[end figure description]
“Them appintments wuz made also,” sed the great man,
“and three or four more throwd in when he found how cheep
he cood get em. He visited me after I hed given him all he
asked for, and we hed a frendly interchange uv views. He
persisted in differin with me; but ez we partid, I askt him ef
ther wuzn't jist one more appintment he wanted? Jist one
more? Throwin himself on my neck, he exclaimed, `Not
one! Not one! My brothers, my brothers-in-law, my nephews,
and the doubtful members uv the Legislacher wich finally conclooded
to vote for me, are all provided for.' Bless the Lord
for the appintin power! The biznis uv tradin birth-rites for
messes uv pottage begun with Esaw; but, thank Heven, it
didn't end with him.”
It wuz unnecessary for me to read more. I hed seen enuff
to satisfy me that the integrity uv one third uv the Senit wuz
rather honey-combed, and, like a rusty muskit, not strong enuff
at the breech to bear a severe trial without danger uv bustin.
I saw precisely wat wuz the rock on wich we stood, and what
a citadel it wuz. Kin these men, with these letters in the
hands uv our respected cheef, and ther relatives all a drawin
rashens, turn and rend the hand wich feeds em? Cood I do
it? — and ain't they even ez I am?
So the proclamashen wuz ishood, and I went home a feelin
good. We shall yet wallop niggers in Kentucky; we shel yet
redoose em to ther normal speer; our afflicted brethren in
Tennessee will yet vote, and them not amnestied will be
speshly pardoned ez ther superior merits deserve, and withal
ther will be no impeachment. For wher the carkis is, ther
will be the buzzards also, and we hev the control uv the carkis.
Some uv the buzzards are so gorged with carkis that their eyes
is shut — enuff uv em to inshoor our posishen till the end uv
our term. It is well with us.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n77* The liberal and shrewd use of patronage was all that saved the President
from impeachment. There were Republican Senators who were opposed to it
on legal grounds, but there were others who were too deeply indebted to the
President to vote for impeachment.
-- 468 -- p635-513
CXLIX. MR. NASBY IN A DEMOCRATIC COUNTY IN SOUTHERN OHIO.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 20, 1867.
[figure description] Page 468.[end figure description]
Last week I wuz invited to go into Ohio to assist my brethren
uv that State. The Massedonian cry reached me, “Come
and help us!” and ez the cry wuz coupled with the asshoorance
that I shood be pervided for, I heeded it. Couple Massedonian
cries with whiskey, and I can't resist em. I never try.
I knowd there wuzn't much difference atween the Dimocrisy
uv Ohio and Kentucky, but I wuz onprepared for the strikin
resemblance I found. Twins is not more similar. My first
appintment wuz in a purely Dimekratic County. It wuz a
settlement after my own heart, and the minit my practist eye
restid onto it, my sole leaped for joy. It wuz a town wich hed
bin some day the seat uv bizniss, but a ralerode runnin some
nine miles to one side uv it hed cut off its trade, and the
inhabitants hevin nothin to do, the better part uv em went
with the trade. Nacher abhors a vacuum, and there rushed in
sich as found it diffikult to live elsewhere. The whole population,
hevin much leisure, fell to pitchin coppers, wich, to make
the game excitin, they pitched for drinks. Pitchin for drinks
soon rendered em incapable uv more violent exercise; and in
a year from the time the trade left em, it wuz the strongest
and most intense Democratic town in the State. Ez they must
eat suthin, and ez the groseries coodent run perpetooally without
money, they hed occasional spasms uv labor. Then wood
their feelins be lasseratid. Then wood they look over to the
Kentucky shore, and see thousands uv jest sich men ez theirselves
a spendin their lives in one unendin round uv copperpitchin,
hoss-racin, and poker-playin, the nigger meanwhile a
sweatin to furnish the means, and they wood break out into
murmurin at the crooel fate wich cast their lot where every
man wuz forst to sweat for hisself, and the cuss of labor
coodent be filled by proxy. Their proximity to Kentucky
-- 469 --
[figure description] Page 469.[end figure description]
tantalized em. They wood hev all gone there cood they hev
raised enuff to buy a nigger apeece, but they coodent. There
wuz a most deliteful look uv serene repose about the place
wich charmed me. Nothin stood uprite. The sign-post uv the
tavern hed bin leaned agin so much that it hed contracted the
same habit; the hosses, from a too rigid economy in the matter
uv oats, wuz leanin agin the side uv the barns; the shutters
on the groseries hung cornerin across the winders, in consekence
uv the lower hinges bein broke; the clapboards on the
houses all hangin by a single nail at one end, presented any
but a reglar appearance; and the men were all either sittin on
store boxes, or leanin agin watever possessed suffishent strength
to keep em up.
I wuz enthoosiastically reseeved. The town wuz excited on
two questions. 1. Taxation. 2. Nigger Equality. The Cheerman
uv the deputashun wuz the most cheerin style uv Dimokrat
I hed seen for years. His independent hair hed pushed
its way thro the top uv his hat and bristled in all directions,
biddin defiance to the world; his toes protroodin from his
shoes, and his trowsers hangin lop-sided by one suspender,
indicated a sovereign contempt for appearances. He begged
me, with tears streemin down his eyes, to rouse the people
agin the dangers wich threaten em. “Think,” sed he, “uv the
hundreds uv thousands uv millions, wich we, the people, are
forced to pay in taxes to the General Government, and rouse
em to the necessity uv ackshen!”
“I will,” sed I, “I will. State to me the amount uv taxes
paid the tyranikle government in this Arcajen spot, that I may
hev the data from wich to speek.”
“Taxes!” returned this patriot, with an amazed look onto
his countenance, “taxes! We don't pay any taxes here. The
Assessor came here two years ago, and findin nothin to assess,
hezn't considered it worth while to come since. But, good
Lord, our hearts bleeds for these unfortunit victims uv Ablishn
policy wich hev suthin, and is forced to pay onto it! The
people is bein ground into dust by taxashen.” And the old
man wept bitter tears at the miseries uv the sitooashen uv the
people. What tetchin benevolence!
On the question uv nigger ekality, I found em at a most
-- 470 --
[figure description] Page 470.[end figure description]
deliteful heat. They hed seen the terrors uv it, and know'd
whereof they spoke. Niggers hed come from Kentucky across
the river to em, and instid uv acceptin their normal speer, and
yieldin quietly to the irresistible decrees uv Heven, wich
made em the inferiors uv the white, they hed, the moment they
accumulatid suthin to live on, assoomed the airs uv ekality.
They refoosed to keep their places. The Cheerman remarkt,
ez showin the stubborn cussidness uv the race, that one uv
em lived some months next to him. He (the Cheerman) borrered
pork on sevral occashens uv him, twict a bakin uv flour,
and, on one occashen, nine dollars uv the misrable rags wich
we are forst, by a tyranikle Government, to accept ez money.
That nigger hed the soopreme impudence to insist on bein
pade! and even talked uv sooin for it. But, on consultin a
lawyer, he didn't, owin to the oncertainty ez to who wood hev
to pay the costs. Another instance. “A nigger, wich wuz
neerly white, settled in the visinity. He hed not only a
daughter, but a farm. My son sores. Labor he despises, as a
occupashen only fit for serfs. He proposed to woo this nigger's
daughter. It wuz a struggle with me. My son marryin
a female wich hed the accursed blood uv Ham in her vanes!
But Jimuel, my son, sir, threw dirt in my eyes. About sixty
akers uv dirt. I thot uv the pleasant time I cood hev a livin
on that farm — uv the days devoid uv labor, and the evenins
filled with ease, and after a severe ethnologikle struggle with
my feelins, I consented. I wantid to take keer uv that nigger.
Pityin him ez an inferior bein, loaded, in his abnormal condishen,
with responsibilities wich he cood not be expected to discharge,
I wood hev taken charge uv his affares. I wood — my
son Jimuel and I — hev managed his farm, and his stock, and
sich. Alas! Jimuel menshund the matter to the Ethiopian,
sir, and with wat result? He wuz ignominiously kickt out uv
the house, sir. He wuz d—d, sir, for a drunken broot, by a
nigger, wich threatened, ef he ever showed his pimpled —
pimpled wuz the word — face about there agin, he'd break
every bone in his body. Sir, this is becomin unsupportable.
They must be dragged down to our level. My proud Caucashen
blood revolts. There must be a inferior race, and it's
us or the nigger. The Injen is out uv the question, ez there
-- 471 --
[figure description] Page 471.[end figure description]
ain't any uv them here to be inferior. I woodent mind the
Injen, but there ain't none. It's the nigger or nothin. Give
him the ballot, sir, and what'll distinguish us? Speek with a
angel's tongue onto this theme, I beg.”
The meetin wuz a glorious one, and my speech one uv my
most movin efforts. My perorashen moved me to teers. It
wuz on nigger suffrage. Depictin its untold horrors, I begged
em to organize — to rally wunst more agin this common enemy.
“There is,” sed I, “seven thousand nigger males in the State
uv Ohio. Shel we peril the liberties uv the State by permittin
them to approach the ark uv our safety — the ballot-box?
Shel we raise em to the pint uv bein our ekals? Shel we
marry em and give em in marriage? Shel we contaminate the
pure streem uv Anglo-Saxon blood by muddlin it with the
turbid streem uv Ethiopy?”
I finisht my speech there. The meetin then resolved they
wuz better than niggers; that they never wood consent to be
taxed for the benefit uv purse-proud aristocrats; that the
bonds shood be taken up with greenbax; that there shood be
a return to specie payment to-wunst; and that they were
willin to give millions, ef need be, to resist usurpashen, but
not one cent in taxes in a unconstitooshnel manner.
This resolooshn wuz passed, when a colleckshn wuz taken
up to pay for the candles. But, alas! There wuzn't nary a
cent in the house, and I hed to pay for em myself. Another
little incident didn't please me. The State Central Committee
hed furnisht me, ez it does all its speakers, with a twenty
dollar gold piece and a fifty dollar bond, wich I wuz to exhibit,
to show the difference atween Ablishn and Democratic money.
I shoved em at the people, and it excited em to madnis. I
laid em on the table afore me. When the meetin wuz adjourned
they wuz gone! Who took em? I know not, but this
I do know, that the Cheerman uv the meetin hed, next mornin,
a new pair uv shoes and a hat, and wuz a talkin doubtfully uv
the propriety uv taxin bonds. I go from here to Pennsylvania,
to fill some appintments in that State.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 472 -- p635-517
CL. THE ANTIETAM DEDICATION.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads, }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 30, 1867.
[figure description] Page 472.[end figure description]
From Ohio to Washington! Ther is nary peace for me!
The sole uv my foot knows no rest. Wher Democrisy is in danger,
ther I am. I wuz called to Washinton to consult with the
friends uv the President in regard to the Anteetam Dedicashun.
The part his Eggslency wuz to take in that affair — wat he
wuz to say — wat others wuz to say, ez well ez who wuz to say
it, wuz a matter wich required not only profound thought, but
the most careful considerashun. Hence I wuz called.
I found assembled the entire Cabnet, with the addishen uv
Binckley; a gentleman recently arrived from a foreign
mission, named McCracken: Govenor Swann uv Maryland,
Ex-Governor Bradford; the poet of the day, General McPounder,
late uv Lee's staff, now uv the Maryland Melishy; Kernel
Screw, and twenty more who hed held posishens uv trust and
profit under the Confedracy, and who wuz now holdin correspondin
posishens under the Govner uv Maryland, all uv wich
wuz a discussin the various pints involved in this matter. The
President hed prepared a speech wich kivered thirty-eight
pages uv legle cap paper, and it was segested that he reed it.
In the impressive manner for which he is celebrated he
began: —
“Fellow Countrymen —”
“I object to that fraze,” said General McPounder. “It's
liable to misconstrucshun. Sposin that upon that stand shood
be them wich, doorin the fratrisidle struggle wich lost me my
niggers, wuz in the Fedral army? I object to bein considered
the fellows uv sich.”
The objeckshun wuz finally got over by the President's
agreein to turn, ez he uttered the words, to the Maryland
delegashun; wich satisfied em, ez the most ultra felt it wuz
enuff ef the President shood address himself excloosively to
Maryland Dimekrats ez his countrymen. He perceeded: —
-- 473 --
[figure description] Page 473.[end figure description]
“Gathered together onto a field wich the valor uv loyal
arms made forever memorable —”
Governor Swann objected. He wuz for consiliation. How
cood our Southern brethren who had taken the oath be consiliated,
ef the fact that they wuz wolloped wuz bein continually
flung at em? Besides, the word “loyal” wuz offensive to
the heft uv the Democracy. I sustained the objeckshun, and
it wuz stricken out. The President resoomed: —
“Feelin this day an uncommon solemnity, standin, ez we do,
over the mortal remains uv the thousands wich died in the
sacred cause uv Liberty, and in defence uv the flag uv our
coun —”
“Hold!” sed the impetuous Maryland General, “I protest.
In the name of Maryland I protest. Shel the Conservatives
uv that glorious State be insulted by alloosions to liberty
uv wich they are deprived, and to the flag wich is the symbol
uv oppression, and under wich we didn't fight?”
I sustained the objeckshun, and that wuz struck out. He
went on: —
“When I cast my eye over this field, and let it rest for a
instant on this spot where the impetuous foemen wuz driven
southward by our brave troops —”
Governor Swann remarked that on sich an occasion it wood
be perhaps better not to menshun the partikeler direckshun
in wich anybody wuz driven. Let it read, I wood say, thus:
“On this spot where the impetuous foeman wuz driven by our
brave troops.” Left thus it woodent be espeshally offensive
to anybody. It wood read ez well South ez North, for in that
encounter both sides wuz, at times, driven. I sustained the
amendment, and the President went on: —
“In fucher years the pilgrim to the shrine uv Liberty will
paws a moment on this spot, to drop a tear over the graves uv
them who here checked the advance uv the hosts uv the
rebellion, and —”
Governor Swann was averse to this. It wuzn't soothin to
the party wich wuz checked. It wood be better to reed,
“drop a teer over the spot onto wich fraternal blood wuz
shed.” Seein no objection to the amendment, I hed it done.
He went on: —
-- 474 --
[figure description] Page 474.[end figure description]
“The widder in her northern home may weep, but she may
console herself that her husband died for his country. She
may —”
Governor Swann broke in. “Sposn,” sed he, “you should
say, `The widder in her Northern or Southern home, ez the
case may be, may weep,' &c. Woodn't it be better?” I
thot so, and it wuz altered accordinly. The President perceeded: —
“Here, upon this spot, the armed hosts of rebellion were
met and hurled back by —”
Governor Swann sejested that that be omitted. The word
“rebellion,” when applied to a brave people, who wuz strugglin
for wat they deemed their rites, wuz, to say the least, too
harsh. It wuz struck out, and the President went on: —
“Upon this spot, amid the roar uv cannon, the rattle uv
musketry, and the clash uv contendin arms, thousands uv the
brave sons uv patriotic sires gave up their lives.”
There wuz nothin in this objectionable. It cood apply to
either side or to both, but ez everythin before it hed been
stricken out, and ez there wuz alloosions follerin it that wood
hev to be, it wuz advisable to bust it, and accordinly I drew
my pencil over it.
The President then wanted to know wat in thunder he shood
say. Feelin that he must say suthin, I prepared for him the
follerin remarks: —
“My Fellow-Countrymen: I appear afore you, not for the
purpose uv makin any lengthy remarks: I simply desire to
express my approbashn uv the ceremonies which hev taken
place. My appearance is the speech wich I will make. I
cood make a speech wich wood tech yoor feelins, but my thots
is in communion with the dead — uv both sides — whose deeds
we are here to commemorate. I shel not attempt to give
utterance to the feelins and emoshuns inspired by the ceremonies
uv the day. Not any. I shel attempt no sich thing. I
am here to give countenance to the perceedins — to offishally
beam upon em — but I must be permitted to hope that we may
foller the example set us by the illustrious dead — uv both
sides — and think uv the brave men — uv both sides — who fell
in the fierce struggle uv battle, and who sleep silent in their
-- 475 --
[figure description] Page 475.[end figure description]
graves, yes — who sleep in silence and peace after the conflict
hez ceased. Would to God that we uv the livin cood emulate
their example ez they lay sleepin in the tombs. Wood that
we cood live, ez do the silent dead, in peace and friendship.
Yes, in peace and friendship, ez do the silent dead — uv both
sides. You, my fellow-countrymen, hev my earnest wishes, ez
yoo hev hed my efforts in times gone by, in the most tryin
perils, to restore peace and harmony to our distracted and
divided country, and yoo shel hev my last efforts in vindicatin
uv the flag uv the Republic, and the Constitooshn uv our
Fathers.”
I endeavored in this to preserve, ez nearly as possible, the
singularly beautiful and loocid style uv the President, that the
assembled thousands who shood hear it mite recognize it
to-wunst ez hizzen. The last sentence wuz objected to. The
Marylanders didn't know whether they cood sit in silence and
hear sich talk about the “Flag uv the Republic” and the
“Constitooshun uv our Fathers.” But they wuz overruled.
It wuz held, and properly, I think, that the Constitooshun uv
our Fathers shood be understood ez meanin that instrooment
afore the Ablishnists hed knocked out uv it all that made it
lovely in the eyes of Maryland — the nigger — and the flag ez
it wuz at that period. They wuz finally satisfied with it,
and Binckley teched up the speech in some miner pints for
delivery.
I didn't stay to the celebrashun, for I hed biznis elsewhere.
I writ the President's speech, so I knew that wuz rite; I heard
Bradford's orashen read, and wuz pleased with it. It wuz a
powerful apology for the Northern soldiers, and must hev had
a good effeck onto the Southern mind. Feelin that it wuz all
rite, I left agin for my feeld uv labor.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 476 -- p635-521
CLI. MR. NASBY ASSISTS IN THE OHIO ELECTION. — THE DEFEAT OF THE AMENDMENT.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
October 12, 1867.
[figure description] Page 476.[end figure description]
*Feelin that the time hed arrived which wuz to decide
whether 7,000 degradid niggers wuz to grind 500,000 proud
Caucashens into the dust, I felt that ef I shood fail in my dooty
now, I shood be forever disgraced. Accordingly, I put in the
eleckshun day at a Dimocratic town in Ohio — the battle-field—
the identikle place into wich I made a speech doorin the
campane.
I arrived ther on the mornin uv the elekshun, an found that
comperhensive arrangements hed bin made for defeatin this
most nefarus and dangerous proposishen. Paradin the streets
ez early ez 7 A. M. wuz a wagon containin 25 virgins, runnin
from 27 to 39, the most uv em ruther wiry in texture, and over
their heads wuz banners, with the followin techin inscriptions:
“Fathers, save us from Nigger Ekality!” “White Husbans
or none!” It wood hev bin better, I thot, hed they bin somewhat
younger. Ther wuz suthin preposterous in the ijee uv
females uv that age callin upon fathers to save em from anythin,
when in the course of nacher their fathers must hev bin a
lyin in the silent tomb for several consecutive years, onless,
indeed, they marrid young. Ef still livin (I judged from the
aged appearance uv the damsels), their parents must be too
far advanced in yeers to take an activ part in biznis. In another
wagon wuz a collekshun uv men wich hed bin hired from the
railrode, twelve miles distant, whose banners read, “Shel
ignerent Niggers vote beside intelligint Wite men?” Hangin
over the polls wuz a broad piece uv white muslin, onto wich
was painted, in large letters, “Caucashuns, Respeck yer Noses
-- --
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-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 477 --
[figure description] Page 477.[end figure description]
— the nigger stinks!” Then I knowed it wuz safe. That
odor hez never yet bin resisted by the Democrasy, and it hez
its inflooence over Republikins.
I never saw sich enthoosiasm, or more cheerin indicashuns
uv the pride uv race. Ez evidence uv the deep feeling that
pervaded that community, I state that nine paupers in the poor-house
demanded to be taken to the polls, that they might enter
their protest agin bringin the nigger up to a ekality with em,
wich wuz nine gain with no offsets, ez ther wuzn't an Ablishnist
in the institooshun. Two men, in the county jale for petty
larceny, wuz, at their own rekest, taken out of doorence vile
by the Sheriff uv the county, that they mite, by the ballot,
protest agin bein degraded by bein compelled, when their time
wuz out, to acknowledge the nigger ez their ekal. One
enthoosiastic Dimekrat, who cost us $5, hed to be carried to
the polls. He hed commenced early at one uv the groseries,
and hed succumbed afore votin. We found him sleepin peacefully
in a barn. We lifted the patriotic man, and in percession
marched to the polls. We stood him on his feet, two men supportin
him — one on either side. I put a straight ticket into
his fingers, and takin his wrist with one hand, held his fingers
together with tother, and guided his hand to the box. Ez it
neared the winder, he started ez ef a electric shock hed struck
him, and, straightenin up, asked “Is it the sthrate ticket? Is
Constooshnel Amindmint No! onto it?”
Ashoorin him that it wuz all rite, he suffered me to hold his
hand out to the Judge uv Eleckshun, who took the ballot and
deposited it in the box. “Thank Hivin!” sed he, “the nagur
is not yet my ayquil!” and doublin up at the thigh and kneejoints,
he sank, limber-like, and gently, onto the ground. Ez
he hed discharged the dooty uv an Amerikin freeman, we
rolled him out to one side uv the house, wher the drippin uv
rain from the roof wood do suthin toward soberin him off, and
left him alone in his glory.
The amendment got but a very few votes in that locality.
The Republikins jined us in repudiatin it, mostly upon ethnologikle
grounds. One asserted that he hed bin in favor uv
emancipashen in time uv war, becoz the Afrikin cood thereby
be indoost to fite agin their Southern masters, and it wood hev
-- 478 --
[figure description] Page 478.[end figure description]
the effeck uv makin the drafts come lighter in his township.
He wuz a humanitarian likewise. He opposed crooelty toward
em. He wept when he heerd uv the massacre at Fort Piller,
becoz in the army the nigger wuz ez much a man ez anybody,
and sich wholesale slaughters tendid to make calls for “500,000
more” more frekent. But when it come to givin uv em the
privilege uv votin beside him, it coodent be thot uv. He cood
never consent that a race whose heels wuz longer than hizzen
shood rool Ameriky. “My God!” sed this ardent Republikin,
“ef you give em the ballot, wat kin prevent em from bein
Congrismen, Senators, Vice-Presidents, and even Presidents?
I shudder when I think uv it;” and he hurried in his vote.
I didn't quite see the force uv his objecshen, for it never
okkurred to me that bein sent to Congris wuz the nateral
consekence uv votin. I hev voted for thirty years, at many
elections four or five times, but I hev never bin to Congris.
Wher is the constituency wich wood elect me? But it wuzn't
my biznis to controvert his posishen. It made no difference to
me wat his reason wuz for votin ez I desired him to vote.
The nigger-lovers beat up one man to vote for the Amendment,
wich, I saw by his dissatisfied look, hed bin over-perswadid.
“Sir!” sed I, “do yoo consider a Afrikin suffishently
intelligent to be trustid with so potent a weapon ez the
ballot?”
Bustin away from them wich hed him in charge, he exclaimed,
“No, I don't! I can't vote for it. They ain't
intelligent enuff. Sir, scratch off the `Yes' from my ballot,
and put onto it `No!'”
“Here is a pensil,” sed I.
“Do it yerself,” sed he; “I can't write.”
And I did it. Sich is the effeck uv a word in season.
Words fitly spoken is apples uv gold, set in picters uv
silver.
One man woodent listen to me, but votid the Amendment.
He hed bin a soljer, and for eleven months pertook uv the
hospitality uv the Confedrits at Andersonville. Escapin, he
wuz helped to the Fedral lines by a nigger, who wuz flogged
almost to death, in his site, for not betrayin wher he wuz hid.
I mite ez well hev talked to a lamp-post, or whispered Gray's
-- 479 --
[figure description] Page 479.[end figure description]
Elegy into the ears uv a dead mule, wich is the deadest thing
I ever see. Ez he shoved in his ballot, he remarkt suthin
about he'd ruther see a nigger vote than a d—d rebel, any
time. From the direckshun uv his eye-site, I persoom he
referred to me.
I left for home ez soon ez the votes wuz counted, and the
result wuz made known, only waitin till the poll-books wuz
made out, and the judges uv eleckshun hed got ther names
written by the clerks, and hed made their marks to em. On
my way home I wuz gratified to see how the nateral antipathy
to the nigger hed revived. At Cincinati, the nite uv the
eleckshn, they wuz bangin uv em about, the patriotic Democrisy
goin for em wherever they cood find em, and the next
day, ez I saw em at the ralerode stashens, they hed, generally
speekin, ther heds bandaged. It wuz cheerin to me, and I
gloated over it.
Full uv gladnis, I entered Kentucky, and joyfully I wendid
my way to the Corners. I wuz the bearer uv tidins uv
great joy, and my feet wuz pleasant onto the mountins.
Ez I walked into Bascom's, they all saw in my face suthin
uv importance.
“Wat is it?” sed Deekin Pogram. “Is it weal or woe?”
“Is the proud Caucashen still in the ascendant in Ohio, or
hez the grovelin Afrikin ground him into the dust?” askt
Issaker Gavitt.
“My friend,” sed I, takin up the Deekin's whisky, wich, in
the eggscitement uv the moment, he didn't observe, “the
Constitooshnel Amendment, givin the nigger ekal rites, hez bin
votid down by the liberty-lovin freemen uv Ohio. Three
cheers for Ohio.”
They wuz given with a will. The wildest enthoosiasm wuz
awakened. Bascom put a spigot in a fresh barl, and the church
bells wuz set a ringin. The niggers wore a dismayed look,
and got out uv the way ez soon ez possible. A meetin wuz
to-wunst organized. Deekin Pogram felt that this wuz a proud
day. Light wuz breakin. The dark clouds uv fanaticism wuz
breakin away. We hed now the Afrikin in his normal posishen
in Ohio, and we will soon hev him likewise in Kentucky. He
moved the adopshen uv the follerin resolooshens: —
-- 480 --
[figure description] Page 480.[end figure description]
“Wareas, Noer cust Canan, and condemned him to be a
servant onto his brethren, thereby cleerly indikatin the status
uv the race for all time to be one uv inferiority; and,
“Wareas, To further show to the eyes uv the most obtoose
that a difference wuz intended, the Almighty gave the nigger
a different anatomicle struckter, for full partikelars uv wich
see the speeches uv the Demokratic stumpers doorin the late
campaign; and,
“Wareas, The attempt to place the nigger on an ekality
with the white in votin ez well ez taxashun, we consider the
sappin uv the very foundashun uv civil liberty, ez well ez uv
the Crischen religion; therefore,
“Resolved, That the Constooshnel and Biblikle Democracy
uv Kentucky send greetin to their brethren uv Ohio, with
thanks for their effectooal squelchin uv nigger superiority.
“Resolved, That to the Republikins uv Ohio, who voted agin
suffrage, our thanks is due, and we congratulate em that now
they, ez well ez us, are saved from the danger uv marryin
niggers; and likewise do we asshoor em, that in a spirit uv
mutual forbearance, we care not wat particular creed they
perfess, so long ez they vote our principles.
“Resolved, That the will uv the people havin bin cleerly
indikated, we demand the insershun uv the word `white' in
the Constitooshun uv the Yoonited States.
“Resolved, That we ask the colored voters uv Tennessee,
and other States where colored men hev votes, to observe how
they are treated in Ohio, where the Ablishnists don't need em.
In them States we extend to em a corjel invitashun to act
with us.”
The fakulty uv the Institoot met next mornin, for the purpus
uv revisin the Scripters. It wuz decided that the word
“white” should be insertid wherever necessary, and that that
edishen only be yoosed by the Dimocracy and Conservativ
Republikins. We made progress, the follerin bein a few uv
the changes: —
“`So God created a white man in his own image.'
“`Whosoever, therefore, shall confess me before white
men,' &c.
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- 481 -- p635-530
[figure description] Page 481.[end figure description]
“`Suffer little white children to come unto me, for uv sich is
the kingdom uv Heaven.'”
Wich last is comfortin, ez it shows that the distincshen
is kept up through all eternity. I give these merely ez
samples. We shel hev it finisht in a few days, and, ef funds
kin be raised, shel publish it. Sich a vershun uv the Skripters
is needid.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n78* Ohio, the most radical of the Western States, voted down the Amendment
striking the word “white” out of her constitution by an enormous majority.
The result was as mortifying to the liberal men of the United States as it was
gratifying to the rebels and their Northern coadjutors.
CLII. A MEETING AT THE CORNERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
October 30, 1867.
I wuz a sittin in the Post Offis, a cogitatin over the results
uv the Ohio and Pennsylvany elections, and hopin for an ekally
good report from Noo York, thinkin that ef my hopes wuz
realized, and sich a Constitooshnel Dimokrat ez Seymour shood
be elected, I mite, in considerashun uv my long, and I bleeve
valuable services, aspire to suthin more profitable than a Post
Offis. I do not complain, for the posishen hez bin the means
uv establishin a credit upon wich I hev lived thus far comfortable;
but yet I shood prefer a place where the salary wood
be suffishent to give me enuff so that I cood lay up suthin for
old age.
I felt good over the victory, and it seemed to me ez tho we
ought to speak, ez Kentuckians, to our brethren North, instructin
uv em how to hold the Staits wich they hev won
for us.
I give notis, that the Corners wood assemble at the tootin
uv the horn, for the purpose uv sendin forth the voice uv
Kentucky to the Staits North. The evenin come, and the
-- 482 --
[figure description] Page 482.[end figure description]
entire Corners wuz there. Deekin Pogram wuz in his regler
seat; Issaker Gavitt wuz in his sainted father's place, wich
hez gone hentz. Kernel McPelter wuz there, and also the
others who made up the male population uv the Corners, and
their wives. It wuz a glorious meetin, and I wuz a rubbin my
hands and feelin good at the prospeck uv an improvin occashun,
when, to my utter disgust, I saw the door open, and Joe Bigler,
who wuz born to be my pest, come in, with Pollock, and twenty
or twenty-five niggers, old and young, male and female, white,
yaller, and black, and all uv em took seats together in the
corner uv the church. I knowd by the meek look uv the niggers,
and the eggstreem quietood uv Bigler hisself, that suthin
wuz up, wich wood develop itself. Bigler and Pollock generally
develop.
I opened the meetin by remarkin that “the times wore an
auspishus look. The power uv the nigger in Amerikin politics
hed bin demonstrated. The nigger hed bin so manipulated in
Ohio and Pennsylvany ez to give us these States, which we
cood hold. But the Dimocrisy uv Ohio and Pennsylvany hed
a work to do, wich they cannot neglect with safety. They hed
declared the nigger inferior to the Caucashen, and they must
keep him so. The nigger must be kept jist wher he is, to
serve ez a irritant to Dimocrisy. Ohio gives the niggers uv
that State certain facilities for learnin to reed and write;
accomplishments wich no laborin class wich is to be guided,
controlled, and worked excloosively by a sooperior class, needs
or hez any biznis with. So soon ez a man begins to reed he
begins to hev an inquirin mind, and begins to feel a dissatisfaction
with his speer. Let Ohio repeel these laws to-wunst, that
the niggers may not —”
“Reverse the arrangement,” sed Bigler, “and git to be
sooperior to the white. Is that it, Perfesser?”
“Not eggsackly that,” returned I, not knowin wat he wuz
drivin at, “but ez Hevin ordained the niggers to be inferior
to us, and serve us, it looks rather dangerous to —”
“Give him a chance to rise? That's wat yoor gettin at, I
see. I am a Dimocrat, ez yoo know; but I don't shudder from
that cause — not any. I hev faith in the Lord, wich yoo appear
to lack, wich is strange, considerin yoor profeshun. Ef
-- 483 --
[figure description] Page 483.[end figure description]
my colored friends here wuz ordained by the Almighty to alluz
okkepy an inferior position to us, why, they'll do it anyhow,
onless, indeed, we degrade ourselves below ther level. Ef I
understand yoor idea, it is that the proud Caucashen is the
only favored race wich fixes its own posishen itself, and that
all the other races hed places assigned them, wich Godalmity
hevin fixed, they can't pass. That bein the case, wat's the
yoose, Perfesser, uv our foolin away our time a tryin to
strengthen his laws by any act uv ours? Ef the Almighty
fixed it, kin we do it any better than he?”
“But spos'n the nigger, ef we don't keep him down by law,
shood rise above us?”
“I shood unanimously conclood that ther hed bin a mistake
in the figgers, and that we wuz, after all, the sons uv Ham and
they uv Japheth. How wood yoo like that? But that ain't
wat ails us. There ain't where our danger is. Dimocrisy,
like a man with a tape-worm, carries the elements uv its own
destruckshen. Missegenashun is wat's sappin the foundashuns
uv the party. Agreein with yoo that the nigger's
place is fixed, and that the Dimocrisy coodent git along without
the nigger, I here utter my solemn warning agin the continyooal
lessenin uv the race, becoz that race is our rock, and
onto that we stand. Wat sense is there in wastin our capital,
or ruther dilutin it?”
“Wat do yoo mean?” askt I, not gittin at the drift uv wat
he wuz drivin at.
“Mean! My meanin is plain. The blacker the nigger is,
the further he is below us; the whither he is, the nearer our
ekal he is. In this calculashun we don't take intelligence, or
virchoo, or anything of the kind into account, but perceed
upon the hypothesis that a devilish mean white man is considerable
better than a smart and honest nigger. Therefore, any
drop uv white blood in a nigger's veins makes him just one
drop less objectionable. Look at the specimens wich I hev
brought with me to illustrate my pint. The light-colored niggers
will rise.”
And every cussed one uv em got up, ez ef by majic, and I
saw to-wunst wat he wuz goin for.
“You see, Perfesser, I hev here twenty-two spiled niggers.
-- 484 --
[figure description] Page 484.[end figure description]
Every one uv them ought to hev bin the son or daughter uv
two pure niggers, but they ain't. This one's mother, for
instance,” and he laid his hand upon the shoulder uv a likely
quadroon uv eighteen years, “wuz wunst the property uv
Deekin Pogram, wich circumstance accounts for her hevin the
Pogram nose and general cast uv countenance to an alarmin
degree, and —”
Ther wuz a piercin shreek heard, and Mrs. Pogram was
carried out faintin, and the Deekin turned ez red ez a lobster,
while Bigler, ez solemn ez a judge, went on: —
“This girl wuz wunst the property uv Deekin McGrath,
who is, I notis, here to-nite. Melissy, stand up,” sed he, and a
likely mulatto woman ariz. “You will notis,” sed he, “that
Melissy is rather dark, while her girl, wich yoo see afore yoo,
is a half lighter. The race bleached out considerable on Deekin
McGrath's place. I hev ten or fifteen more, uv various
shades, who hev the McGrath face, but —”
Mrs. Deekin McGrath, utterin a shreek uv rage, swung out
of the church, while the Deekin to-wunst assoomed the color
uv his fellow Deekin, Pogram.
“I mite go on; but wherefore? Yoo all see the pint. I
kin show yoo, in this colleckshun, wich I hev picked up, the
pecoolyer feachers uv the Dingeses, the McPelters, the Bascoms,
and every family around these parts, — that is, the
feechers uv the male members uv em. But sence the emancipashun
I hev notist that this thing hez come to a sudden endin.
I hev notist that sence the niggers hev owned theirselves,
there ain't no more uv this mixter. Yoo purpose, I suppose,
agin redoosin uv em to their normel condishun, and makin uv
em men-servants and maid-servants. Ef this is done, let me
entreet yoo, brethren, to stop the bleechin process. Ef yoo
hev any regard for the Dimocrisy, don't tolerate it no more.
The moment a half-white nigger is born, yoo can't enslave only
half uv him; for only half comes under the cuss, and only half
under the laws agin niggers. That one half keeps down to
the Ham level, but tother sores to the Japhet place in nacher.
Yoo can't whale a mulatto with only half the intensity yoo kin
a clear-blooded nigger; and when they keep bleachin out, and
out, and out, ontil they are almost white, what then? When a
-- 485 -- p635-534
[figure description] Page 485.[end figure description]
nigger is nine tenths Pogram, and only one tenth nigger, what
then? Kin the Deekin be so deaf to the voice uv nacher —
so bare uv impulse ez to oppress so much Pogram for the sake
uv gettin his foot on so little nigger? I can't beleeve it. Besides,
when it's all run out — when the nigger don't show at all—
then wat is to prevent em from walkin off alone, and settin
up biznis for themselves ez white men? What will become uv
the Dimocrasy then?”
All this time the niggers wuz titterin, and the white women
wuz gaspin for breath, and the men wuz turnin red and white
by turns. I arose to rebuke him, when Bigler remarkt that he
guest enuff hed bin sed, and that probably the meeting hed
better be adjourned. And the audacious cuss give us two
minutes and a half to get out uv the buildin.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLIII. THE NOVEMBER ELECTION.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
November 10, 1867.
*The Corners wuz prostrated with joy last nite at the receet
uv the news uv the November elecshuns. Ther wuz nothin
demonstrative about our joy, ez there hed bin on occasions uv
less interest. No! the result wuz too great, too overwhelminly
great! Our nachers wuz filled with joy, and it bubbled up to
the eyes, and slopt over in floods uv teers. Deekin Pogram's
dawter Mirandy borrered a tamborine, wich wood answer for a
timbrel, and attempted to dance down the street, after the
fashion uv Miriam, singin, “Shout the glad tidens,” et settry,
-- 486 --
[figure description] Page 486.[end figure description]
but we rebookt her. Sich exultashen seemed to us inadekate.
The Deekin met me, and fallin onto my neck, wept perfoosely
down my back, wich I stood ez long ez I cood bear the moisture.
Gently disengagin him, I led him to Bascom's, fearin
that so great a waste uv flooids wood cut short the old saint's
life, unless that waste cood be repaired. We supplied the
deficiency to-wunst. Never saw I sich a picter. The blessid
old man sittin onto a bench, a glass uv hot whiskey in his
hand; his white hair a fallin scantily about his temples, and
tears a running in rapid succession adown his frost-bitten nose,
and, glitterin a moment on the tip, droppin, like strings uv
pearls, into the space below! It wuz tetchin!
The citizens met that evening, not to rejoice, but to adopt
sich measures for turning the victry to account ez the occasion
seemed to demand. The Deekin wuz there, and I beleeve
every white male citizen uv the Corners wuz in his seet afore
the glad peals uv the bell hed ceased pealin. I assoomed the
chair, and stated the object uv the meetin. Noo York hed
spoken, and Noo Jersey, the blessed State uv which I hed the
honor to be a native, hed returned to her fust love. I wuz not
now ashamed to own that I wuz a native uv Noo Jersey. I
am proud uv it, and were it not for the fact that I owe neerly
half uv her citizens, in sums rangin from a half dollar up to
eighteen, I wood return there to-wunst. But I won't. It
wood awaken expectations in their buzzums wich wood never
be fulfilled, and I'm too tender-hearted, too considrit uv the
feelins uv others, to lasserate them feelins. I can't properly
express my emoshuns. Thank Heaven the nigger is ourn.
The Northern States hev spoken, and in thunder tones. The
Ethiopian wunst wuz on the top wave, but wher is he now?
Two years ago he wuz needed — but now wher is he? The
Ablishnists don't need him no more to fill up ther quotas, they
don't need him no more to take ther places in the next draft,
and thank the Lord he's the same d—d nigger he alluz wuz!
The stink uv the nigger hez overcome ther gratitood to him —
ther good feelin hez bin swamped by ther prejoodis. The
Dimocrasy uv the two sections uv the Yoonion hez rusht into
each other's arms, the nigger wuz between em, and consekently
is under our feet. What happinis for Kentucky! The
-- 487 --
[figure description] Page 487.[end figure description]
nigger can't go North with the elecshen returns starin him in
the face, and ef he stays here he must stay on our terms.
Thank the Lord.
Deekin Pogram sed that he hednt felt so good sence his first
wife died. He felt too good to speek, and the brethren wood
excuse him ef his remarks shood be breef. (We will! We
will! with great yoonanimity.) Four weeks ago, when we
heerd from Ohio and Pennsylvany, he hed to-wunst drawd up a
skedule uv the loss that hed bin inflicted onto him by the
tyranical edict uv the Illinoy Goriller, a copy uv wich he
wood reed: —
| YOONITED STATES UV AMERIKY,
In Account with Gabrel Pogram, |
Dr. |
| To 1 nigger, Sam, 26 years old |
$1,500 00 |
| 1 nigger, Pompey, 30 years old |
1,300 00 |
| 1 nigger, Scip, 30 years old |
1,400 00 |
| 1 nigger, Peter, 40 years old |
1,000 00 |
| To one lot misselaneous niggers, 22 in number,
mostly crippled, and not uv much akkount,
hevin bin flogd and chawd by dorgs, and injoored
by being knockt about the head and
back, a dissiplinin uv em, at say, $500 each, |
11,000 00 |
| To one nigger gal, Jane, 18 years old, nearly
white, with bloo eyes and curly hair, for wich
I hed bin offered $2,500 to go to Noo Orleans, |
2,500 00 |
| To other wenches, uv all shades and ages, 12 in
number, averagin, say, $500, |
6,000 00 |
|
$24,700 00 |
This bill he determined to put in, becoz uv this property he
hed bin robbed. Last nite he heerd uv the result uv the Noo
York and Noo Jersey elecshuns, aad he felt that more yit wuz
due him from the unconstooshnel government under wich we
are forst to live. He wanted pay, not only for his twenty-four
thousand dollars' worth uv nigger, but legle interest on
the amount, from Emancipashen to date, incloodin wat he paid
to hev the calculation made, and the interest figgered onto it,
-- 488 --
[figure description] Page 488.[end figure description]
and he wanted it in gold, ez he considered greenbax jist ez
unconstooshnel ez emancipashen.
Issaker Gavitt remarkt, that he hed a claim on the oppressors.
He hed made out no bill ez yit, ez the nigger wich alluz
did the figgerin for his father got to be impudent, and woodent
do it no more. But he shood get somebody who cood write to
copy the Deekin's bill, wich wood answer, ez the two farms
workt about the same number uv hands, tho uv fancy stock his
father hed alluz kept the most, wich accountid for his bein
more bald-headed than the Deekin.
Kernel McPelter wantid no pay. He wantid his niggers.
To accept pay wood be to acknollege the right uv a Illinoy
goriller to releese em, wich he wood never do. He hed one—
he saw her to-day — wich he wood hev back agin. Her
and her husband, wich hed bin married sence they wuz torn
from him, hed purchist ten akers uv ground up toards Garrettstown,
and wuz a livin onto it. Uv course, ez the emancipashun
wuz illegal, the produx uv their labor sence that time wuz
hizzen, jest the same ez though they remained in their normal
condishen. The ten askers woodent make him good, but they
hed two children born to em sence, wich, ef niggers brot any
price, wood do suthin toards it.
Bascom perferred to hev Government pay ther valyoo, and
let em stay free. They all hed some property now — leastways
they could do wat they pleased with their money. Troo,
the heft uv the proceeds uv their labor went to Pollock for dry
goods, and groceries, and sich, but he bleeved that they wuz a
imitative race. Ef they followed the eggsample sot em by their
white sooperiors, they wood, in time, leave the heft uv it at his
bar. He hed a few uv em under trainin now, and he notist
that they wuz better customers than the whites, ez they didn't
swaller their rashens and tell him to “jist chalk it down.”
A sense uv the meetin wuz then taken, and a majority voted
to fust try to redoose them to their normal condishen, and ef
that wuz decided to be impracticable, then we cood, with still
better grace, demand their valyoo uv the Government.
“Yes,” exclaimed Kernel McPelter, “and for this great
work ther is no better time than now. `The Yoonyun ez it
wuz!' Foller me!”
-- 489 --
[figure description] Page 489.[end figure description]
And forthwith the entire congregashun piled out, rushing
toward the nigger settlement on the Garrettstown road.
Arrivin at the settlement, a consultashen wuz held. It wuz
desided that I shood advance to the doors uv the houses
and demand surrender, but I declined. Kernel McPelter
volunteered, and we all waited the result. He knocked at the
door uv the first house.
“Wha' d'ye want?” exclaimed a voice.
“I want yoo,” sed the Kernel.
“Wa' foah?”
“My friend,” sed the Kernel, impressively, “ef I recognize
yoor dulcet tone, yoor my nigger. Four years ago yoo wuz
set free, yoo sposed, by Linkin; but we've done away with
that. Come forth, and give yoorself up; you shel, ef yoo go
peaceably, hev yoor old quarters agin, and be treated ez
uv old.”
“Go away, white man, and stop yoor foolin. Dis nigga's
in bed!”
“Break down the doors!” yelled the Deekin, “and hev
done with it!” and a rush wuz made.
The doors wuz broke down, and in a minit the nigger and
his wife, and two children, wuz out in the street, bound, and
the Kernel hed the furnitoor packet, ready to take to his own
house. In the mean time assaults hed bin made on two other
houses, with ruther different results. Deekin Pogram led one
on the house uv a former slave uv hizzen, and wuz disabled by
a charge uv shot in his leg, and the infooriated nigger threw
open the winder and swore that he'd empty tother barrel into
the head uv the first man who came within range. The whole
settlement wuz by this time alarmed, and lites sprang up, and
we cood hear the click uv cocks uv muskets, and the pilin up
uv furnitoor afore the doors. It wuz desided that the attempt
to re-enslave em be given over for that nite, and carryin the
Deekin, who wuz weak from loss uv blood, we made our way
to the Corners agin.
The result demonstrated to me the impossibility uv the two
races livin together in harmony. There is a natral antagonism
between em wich must result inevitably in a war uv races,
onless their status is fixed by law. So long ez they are among
-- 490 -- p635-539
[figure description] Page 490.[end figure description]
us, so long shel we be tempted to subdoo em, and sich soleharrowin
scenes ez that uv last nite will result. Ez I heer the
groans uv that prostrated saint, Deekin Pogram (this is written
at his bedside in the intervals uv feedin him likker with a
spoon), I feel ez tho I must vindicate my birth by goin out and
killin a nigger. Nothin but the oncertainty ez to who wood be
killed restrains me. Thank Heaven, next yeer, when Seymore
is President, and the unconstitooshnel acts uv a Rump Congress
is done away with, all this will be fixed. It is this that
soothes the Deekin, and enables him to endoor his sufferins.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n79* The hope of the Southern people that they would finally get pay for their
negroes did not leave them till after the election of General Grant in 1868.
Every Democratic victory in the North revived it.
CLIV. MR. NASBY REGULATES A SCHOOL.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
November 25, 1867.
*When the Almighty made niggers, he ought to have made
em so that mixin with the sooperior race would have been an
impossibility. I rite these lines, propped up in bed at my
boardin house, my face beaten to a jelly, and pefeckly kivered
with stickin plaster; my nose, alluz the beauty and glory uv
my face, is enlarged to twict it fair proporshens; my few
remainin teeth hev bin knockt down my throat, my lips resemble
sausages, my left ear is forever no more, and wat little hair
wuz a hangin about my venerable temples is gone, my head is
ez bald as a billyard ball, and twict its normal size. It come
about thus: —
There was trouble in one of the Southern counties uv Ohio.
In a reliably Democratic township in that county is a
-- 491 --
[figure description] Page 491.[end figure description]
settlement uv niggers, who, in the old time, ran away from Kentucky,
and settled there where they could hev wat they earned, wich
was jest so much swindled out uv Kentucky. Uv course
comin from Kentucky, these niggers are, many uv em, ez near
white ez they can be. One uv em who carried with him the
name uv his master, and, ez he says, father Lett, is ez near a
white man ez may be, and ez he married a wench who wuz a
shade whiter than he, their children are jist a touch whiter
than both uv em. Uv these he hed three daughters, rangin
from sixteen to twenty.
Now this Lett is a disturber. He hed a farm uv perhaps
200 akers, and wuz taxed heavy for skool purposes, but his children
wuzn't uv course allowed to attend the skool. None uv
the nigger children were. But Lett got the ijee into his hed
that there wuzn't no propriety in his payin taxes without enjoyin
the benefits arizin from em, and aided and abetted by
other niggers, who were wicked enough to complain uv payin
taxes to the support uv white skools, he sent his daughters to
the skool, directin them to present theirselves boldly, take their
seats quietly, and study perseverinly. They did so, the skool-marm,
who wuz a young huzzy, with black eyes and nateral
curls, from Noo Hampsheer, where they persekoot the saints,
not only assented to recevin em, but gave em seats and put em
into classes — think uv that — with white children.
There wuz trouble in that township. I wuz sent for to-wunst,
and gladly I come. I wuz never so gratified in my life. Had
smallpox broken out in that skool, there woodent hev bin half
the eggscitement in the township. It wuz the subjick uv
yooniversal talk everywhere, and the Democrisy wuz a bilin
like a pot. I met the trustees uv the township, and demanded
ef they intended tamely to submit to this outrage? I askt em
whether they intended to hev their children set side by side
with the decendants uv Ham, who wuz condemned to a posishen
uv inferiority forever? Kin you, I asked, so degrade
yourselves, and so blast the self-respeck uv yoor children?
And bilin up with indignashen, they answered “never!”
and yoonanimously requested me to accompany em to the skool-house,
that they mite peremptory expel these disgustin beins
who hed obtrooded themselves among those uv a sooperior
race.
-- 492 --
[figure description] Page 492.[end figure description]
On the way to the skoolhouse, wich wuz perhaps a mile distant,
I askt the Board ef they knowed those girls by site. No,
they replied, they hed never seed em. “I hev bin told,” sed
I, “that they are nearly white.”
“They are,” sed one uv em, “quite white.” “It matters
not,” sed I, feelin that there wuz a good opportoonity for
improvin the occashen, “it matters not. There is suthin in the
nigger at wich the instink uv the white man absolootly rebels,
and from wich it instinktively recoils. So much experience
hev I had with em, that put me in a dark room with one uv
em, no matter how little nigger there is in em, and that unerrin
instink wood betray em to me, wich, by the way, goes to prove
that the dislike we hev to em is not the result uv prejudis, but
is a part uv our very nacher, and one uv its highest and
holiest attriboots.”
Thus communin, we entered the skoolhouse. The skool-marm
wuz there, ez brite and ez crisp ez a Janooary mornin;
the skolers wuz ranged on the seets a studyin ez rapidly ez
possible.
“Miss,” sed I, “we are informed that three nigger wenches,
daughters of one Lett, a nigger, is in this skool, a minglin with
our daughters ez a ekal. Is it so?”
“The Misses Lett are in this skool,” sed she, ruther mischeeviously,
“and I am happy to state that they are among my
best pupils.”
“Miss,” sed I sternly, “pint em out to us!”
“Wherefore?” sed she.
“That we may bundle em out!” sed I.
“Bless me!” sed she, “I reely coodent do that. Why
expel em?”
“Becoz,” sed I, “no nigger shel contaminate the white children
uv this deestrick. No sech disgrace shel be put on
to em.”
“Well,” sed this aggravatin skoolmarm, wich wuz from Noo
Hamshire, “yoo put em out.”
“But show me wich they are.”
“Can't yoo detect em, sir? Don't their color betray em?
Ef they are so neer white that you can't select em at a glance,
it strikes me that it can't hurt very much to let em stay.”
-- 493 --
[figure description] Page 493.[end figure description]
I wuz sorely puzzled. There wuzn't a girl in the room who
looked at all niggery. But my reputashun wuz at stake.
Noticin three girls settin together who wuz somewat dark
complectid, and whose black hair waved, I went for em and
shoved em out, the cussid skoolmarm almost bustin with
lafter.
Here the tragedy okkerred. At the door I met a man who
rode four miles in his zeal to assist us. He hed alluz hed an
itchin to pitch into a nigger, and ez he cood do it now safely
he proposed not to lose the chance. I wuz a puttin on em
out, and hed jist dragged em to the door, when I met him
enterin it.
“Wat is this?” sed he, with a surprised look.
“We're puttin out these cussed wenches, who is contaminatin
yoor children and mine,” sed I. “Ketch hold uv that pekoolyerly
disgustin one yonder,” sed I.
“Wenches! You d—d skoundrel, them girls are my
girls!”
And without waitin for an explanashen, the infooriated
monster sailed into me, the skoolmarm layin over on one uv the
benches explodin in peels uv lafter. The three girls, indignant
at bein mistook for nigger wenches, assisted their parent,
and between em, in about four minutes I wuz insensible. One
uv the trustees, pityin my woes, took me to the neerest railroad
stashen, and somehow, how I know not, I got home, where
I am at present recooperatin.
I hev only to say that when I go on sich a trip again, I shel
require as condishen precedent that the Afrikins to be put out
shel hev enuff Afrikin into em to prevent sich mistakes. But,
good Lord, wat hevent I suffered in this cause?
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n80* A zealous Democratic school trustee did thrust the daughter of a Democrat
out of school in Monroe County. Ohio, supposing her to be the daughter of a
negro, the real object of his dislike sitting quietly in her seat meanwhile.
-- 494 -- p635-543
CLV. THE ALABAMA CONVENTION. — THE WOES OF JOHN GUTTLE, JR.
Montgomery, Ala., December 1, '67.
[figure description] Page 494.[end figure description]
*It is possible that this world may continyoo to exist —
that the heavenly orbs may continyoo to roll about on each
other's axises, and move in harmonious cycles into their respective
spheres — that comits may continyoo to wheel and turn
thro the speer assigned em in the grand economy in celestyel
space, but I doubt it. Ef sich a disorganizashen ez I am now
witnessin doesn't overturn that order wich is Heaven's first
law, all I kin say is, nacher is so constitooted ez to stand stunners
of no ordinary magnitood. I am in Montgomery, in attendance
on the “Constooshnel Convenshen,” ez it is called, now
in session in this accussed town. It wuz curiosity wich brot
me hither. I hed heard uv this piebald body — uv this black
and tan gatherin, in wich niggers and white men — niggers in
wich the white blood predominated, and white men in wich the
nigger blood predominated — wuz gathered and sittin side by
side, the same ez tho Noer hed never cust Ham, and ez tho the
nigger wuz not a beast, and not our inferior at all. Ez I gazed
I sed to myself, —
“The times is out uv joint, oh cussed spite,
That I wuz ever born to set em rite.”
I entered the hall with the son uv my old friend, John
Guttle. John is a chip uv the troo Guttle block. When I
arrived I found him a leanin on the bar uv a small grosery, a
smoakin a cigar and a lookin ez disconsolate ez mortal cood.
Shakin hands with him, a momentary gleam uv joy shot athwart
his careworn face, ez he invited hisself to drink with me. Not
feelin it rite to deprive him uv one little ray uv contentment,
I stood the drinks not only for him but for a dozen more wich
-- 495 --
[figure description] Page 495.[end figure description]
I found leanin on their elbows on the bar, all uv em with a
cigar atween their teeth, uv wich the lite hed gone out in
consekence uv their bein too much discouraged to draw em.
I knowd the most uv these young men in the happy days uv
yore. They wuz all the sons uv planters in the vicinity — all
uv em uv the first families uv Alabama, whose fathers hed
wunst owned their thousand akers apeece, and hed brot em up
ez the troo shivelry uv the South wuz alluz brot up. Ther
wuzn't wun uv em but hed worn the most magnificent broadcloth,
and, in his day, won and lost his thousands at faro.
Ther wuzn't wun uv em but wuz up in all the ennoblin sports
wich wuz the delite uv the shivelry uv the South, sich ez
pitchin dollars, draw poker, and horse racin, and scarcely wun
but hed fought dooels in his time; and every man uv em hed
slaughtered his hecatoms uv Yankees in the late war. Yet
here they stood, out at elbows, with naplis hats, and all in the
last stage uv seedinis.
The young men wuz in a dredful state uv dilapidashun, and
their murmurin wuz more like the lamentashens uv Job than
anythin I hed heard for a long time.
“Why,” sed John Guttle, Jr., “the old man left me a thousand
akers uv land, but wat wuz it good for? I hed no niggers!
The whelps refoosed to work without wagis, and that I
woodent pay em on prinsiple. Finally they commenst makin
offers for the land, in patches uv from ten to fifteen akers, and
crooel necessity compelled me to accept it. The money I reseeved
I wuz compelled to live on, ontil my paternal akers wuz
redoost to a scant hundred. The produx uv a hundred akers
wood support me, but it won't perdoose. I hev no labor —
wher kin I git the labor?”
“Yes,” exclaimed all uv the dozen young men, rollin over
onto the tother elbow, “Guttle's case is our own. We all hev
land, but wher's the labor?”
I wuz about to commiserate em when the bar keeper struck
in. He wood sejest, that possibly under the circumstances, it
wood be better if instid uv layin on ther elbows, askin, “wher's
the labor?” they shood go and do a little uv it themselves.
Troo, if they shood do it he woodent see so much uv em, but
they wood be able to pay suthin for the likker they consoomed.
-- 496 --
[figure description] Page 496.[end figure description]
John Guttle and I wended our way to the hall in wich the
Convenshun wuz a sittin. In the hall wuz a site! On the rite
wuz a nigger on the floor and makin a speech; on the left wuz
a nigger of majestic presence, with his feet cocked up onto a
desk, abslootly readin a noosepaper, and another wuz jist a
comin in towards his seat with ez much composure ez tho he
hed never did anythin in his life but be a member uv constitooshel
convenshuns. All about the hall in varius attitoods sot
niggers uv varius shades, and all uv em well dresst, self-possessed,
and without a particle uv that hoomility wich the race
hed alluz displayed wen in the presence uv their sooperiors.
“Good God!” sed I to Guttle, after I hed recovered from
my astonishment, “am I awake, or am I dreamin? Tell me,
please, who are these niggers?”
“Dost see that nearly white nigger on the floor offerin a
resolution?” sed Guttle, hoarse with emoshun. “That nigger
is my property. His mother wuz sold to Orleans twenty years
ago, on account uv a resemblance wich my mother fancied she
saw in him to my lamented father. I kept him ez my servant,
and the yaller cuss somehow learned to read. He owns a part
uv a place the old man hed in the North uv the State. That
one to the rite who is bizzy writin, is another — a blacksmith,
wich the old man bot on purpose to do his repairin, coz the
white blacksmith wich wuz located near us cost too much.
He wuz cheep at $2500, coz uv his bein a sooperior workman,
and I am told that the incapable bein hez a shop now uv his
own, and hez a pile uv money in the Savins Bank, while I —
his nateral sooperior — hev to depend onto the chance liberality
uv a comparative stranger like yoo for the very drink
wich I now parch for want uv.”
And the onfortnit young man busted into teers, wich we
went out and assuaged. Returnin, he resoomed: —
“That mulatto on the left, by the double winder, is a carpenter.
He bot uv me fifty akers uv land, and when delegates wuz
to be electid to this yere Convention he run agin me, and beat
me four to one, the ongrateful niggers which we hed worked
all our lives absolutely preferrin him to me, to legislate for
em,” and he bustid into teers agin.
“Wat,” sed I, “is to be the end uv all this?”
-- 497 --
[figure description] Page 497.[end figure description]
“God only knows,” sed he, “I don't There is nothin but
rooin ahead and on each side uv us. These niggers and the
crazy whites in league with em, hev now sole control uv Alabama,
and they are mashin down the 'spectable old barriers
wich kept the races in their places. They are passin ordinances
pervidin for skools. They hev given themselves the
ballot and hev disfranchised us who served the Confederacy,
so that the power will be theirn for all time to come. The
result is already foreshadered in wat they hev done. Out near
my place, they hev a village, and a skoolhouse in wich they are
taught reedin, ritin, arithmetic, and all sorts uv devilment, by a
skoolmam sent by the Freedmen's Commission. They refoose
to work for us onless we pay in advance, and consekently, ez
we can't git labor, our farms is runnin to weeds. And to make
matters wuss, the Convenshen is makin labor a lien upon the
crops, and so hamper us that it does seem to me that they
intend to delibretly rooin us. They are establishin skools and
churches, and villages everywhere; and wat is pertikelerly
oppressive, we hevn't the power to stop em in their mad
career. Politikle power we hev none, and when it comes to
force, the beast Pope stands here sekoor behind the bayonets
he controls. Good Lord, I — but let's drink.”
Wich we did, I payin for it.
I shel leave here to-morrer. I kin never bear to hev niggers
pass me clothed in broadcloth, with papers stickin out uv ther
pockits. I kin never bear the degredation uv hevin niggers
pass me without takin off their hats and steppin respectfully
off uv the sidewalk. Thank God that Kentucky did not
openly rebel. There, at least, we kin keep him in his normal
speer.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n81* The planters of the Gulf States were at loss what to do when the negroes
left them, for the idea that they could work never entered their heads. The
refusal of the negro to labor unless his pay was assured, and the election of
many of them to office, were the two great troubles of the period.
-- 498 -- p635-547
CLVI. A CONVENTION OF SUFFERERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 8, 1868.
[figure description] Page 498.[end figure description]
*Noticin that Vallandygum hed called a convenshun uv those
who hed suffered imprisonment for holdin the opinion, doorin
the war, that the South wuz rite in secedin, and for doin wat
they cood to further the rite, to review their sufferins, I, uv
course, expectid to be invitid to attend. Ez no invitashun
came, I resolved to spare em the stigma uv havin gone back
onto a fellow-sufferer, and, hencely, I wrote the followin letter,
wich I shel hev publisht in all the noosepapers. I feel it a
dooty to call the attenshun uv the party to my sufferins jest
now, it bein jist afore a new deal takes place: —
To C. L. Vallandygum, Edson B. Olds, and others, Committee:
Your movin note uv the 13th inst., invitin me to be present
at a meetin uv those wich hed suffered for conshence sake
doorin the late croosade, and to mingle my teers with them, is
receeved. Ez I reseeved yoor note and red it, my sufferins
come back to my mind so vividly that the fountains uv the grate
deep wuz onseeled, and I wept scaldin teers. I wept ez I thot
how I suffered, how I hed wasted in Basteels the time I so
much needed in furtherin the grate coz in wich we wuz all
engaged; when I thot how, for three long weeks, I wasted
away, pinin for the free air outside uv my prison walls; how,
for all that time, I wuz exposed to the horror uv seein around
me feends in human form, clad in the bloo I alluz detested;
how I wuz compelled to listen, perpetooally, to sich songs ez:
-- 499 --
[figure description] Page 499.[end figure description]
“We'll rally round the flag, boys,
We'll rally wunst agin,
Shoutin the battle cry uv Freedom!”
And that other detestable air, wich I never hear without a
thrill uv horror —
“John Brown's body lies a moldin in the grave,
But his sole is a marchin on.”
Wich it is. And also how for three long weeks I wuz compelled
to live — no, not live, but eggist — with not a drop uv
anything stronger or more revivifyin than coffee; endoorin the
namelis horrors wich follers the sudden takin away uv that on
wich we live, and wich our moral, ez well ez physikil, nachers
depend. But out uv regard to my feelins, I close these harrowin
reflecshens. Shood I dwell onto em, I shood be entirely
onmanned. When I think of them three weeks without whiskey,
reason totters onto her throne, and I wonder that I am still
alive. Trooly I am a spared monument.
It wood not be out uv place in this conneckshun for me to
dwell for a moment upon the sacrificis I hev made and the
torters to wich I hev bin subjectid. I hev suffered probably
more than any uv the glorious company uv martyrs, for righteousnis'
sake. My first taste uv Fedral tyranny wuz in 1862.
Well do I remember the day. A draft wuz impendin. The
tyrannical Linkin, revelin in the gorgus halls uv despotic
power at Washington, hed isshood his oppressive decree for
“three hundred thousand more.” I went, confidently, to the
eggsaminer's offis for my eggsempshen, but in the face uv the
most positive ashoorence on my part that I hed bronkeetis and
liver complaint at that time, and hed hed at different times uv
my life delirum tremens, I wuz laft to scorn, and pernounst ez
sound ez a brick. I determined not to imbrue my hands in the
blood uv my brethren uv the South. I shuddered at two ijees.
First, at being punctured myself, and, second, at puncturin any
uv my friends uv the Confederacy. Therefore, I made my
way ez best I mite to that refuge from the persekutor,
Canady. Need I dilate onto the terrors uv that passage?
Need I state how I walked from my then place uv residence
-- 500 --
[figure description] Page 500.[end figure description]
to Detroit, and how I swam across the river at that pint on a
log, and how, when on strikin the sacred soil, I struck a tabloo
and shook my fist at the stars and stripes, wich I saw wavin on
the tother side? No. For all uv yoo hev done it, ef not in
Canady, somewhere else. The draft wuz over, and I returned,
supposin it wuz all rite. Skarcely hed I reached my humble
home, when I wuz arrestid, and dragged to a military camp.
I hed bin drawd, and I wuz taken ez a deserter. I did not serve
tho. Ruther than to carry a Fedral muskit, I desertid in
ernist, and wat military life I did see, I saw in the Confedrit
ranks. But that wuz short. The Kernel uv my regiment
appreciatin my style, ordered me to be discharged, on the
skore that I cood do the Confedrisy more good operatin with
the Dimocrisy uv the North than I cood carryin muskits in the
ranks uv her brave defenders. He wuz pleased to say that I
wuzn't worth a d—n ez a soljer, anyhow!
My second inkarserashen wuz uv a more tryin nacher. I
hed bin called to organize and drill a county wich hed determined
they never wood, under eny cirkumstances, submit to
be dragged to fight in a coz wich they didn't beleeve in.
They hed resolved in their meetins to die in their own door
yards a thousand times each, ruther than submit to the drafts
wich wuz impendin too often, or to the onconstitooshnel taxes
wich the Government wuz a levyin. We wuz in camp, 900
strong, when a company uv soljers wuz sent agin us. Wun by
wun the defenders uv their rites bethot themselves uv biznis
wich they had at home. Wun's wife wuz momentarily expected
to be confined, another hed forgotten to feed his cattle, and
a third's oldest son wuz to be marrid that nite. Eggsortin uv
us to fite bravely for our rites, and die rite there before submittin,
they left, fust wun at a time, then five in a squad, then
ten, then a hundred, ontil all wuz gone but me and nineteen
others. I wuz restrained by pride; the nineteen others
cooden't git away, owin to a barl uv new whiskey wich hed
bin rolled onto the ground, and wich they hed monopolized
atween em with the only tin cup we hed in the camp. They
were, ez a reward for their heroism and the sufferins that
ensood, all elected to offis that fall.
I wuz treated with frightful severity. I wuz kept on the
-- 501 --
[figure description] Page 501.[end figure description]
ordinary rashens uv a private soljer, and wuz compelled, afore
bein released, to take the oath uv allegiance to the Federal
Government.
And wot hev I got for it? Good Lord, I shudder when I
think uv the ongratefulnis uv man! The party for wich I suffered
all this never so much ez gave me a thing. I wuz never
made the recipient uv nothin ontil a reformed Ablishnist wuz
made President, who hed to hev a party, and who hed to take
only sich ez wuz for sale. But for this fortunate circumstance
I mite now be forst to beg my bread. I spare yoo more
detales. Suffice it to say, I approve uv the meetin. It won't
do me ez much good ez it will yoo; yoor sores ain't heeled; yoo
hev bin smart enuff to keep a irritatin uv em. Yoo hev kept
a proddin uv em with rusty nales, and tearin uv em open with
yoor fingers, afore aujences and in the noosepapers, ontil they
hev reely come to be a stench in the nostrils. Let us unwrap
em agin. Let the cold wind uv ingratitood blow onto em ontil
they get so inflamed that they will attract attenshen. Let
Vallandigum onwind his bandages and show the hole the envious
Burnside made. Yoo, Olds, repeet the piteous tale uv
how yoo wuz deprived uv yoor Bible ontil yoo hed well nigh
forgotten Ham, Hager, and Onesimus, and that even waste
paper wuz denied yoo. Yoo, Milligen and Bowles, repeet agin
the story uv yoor captivity and release, and see to it that yoo
get yoor hair dyed white, and that yoo come into the Convenshun
leanin onto a cane, or, if possible, onto the shoulders uv
two young men who wuzn't imprisoned. I probably shan't
be there myself, for I want nothin. I am pervided for. But
ez a man who suffered even ez yoo did, and for the same
coz, my sympathies are with you.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n82* A number of Northern rebels who were arrested for disloyalty during the
war, proposed a convention of “sufferers from the tyranny of a despotic government,”
which was, however, never held. The “martyrs” had already aired
their grievances too many times to make such a gathering profitable. Edson
B. Olds, of Ohio, was confined a short time in Fort Warren, and Mulligan and
Bowles, two citizens of Indiana, were also restrained for complicity in the
troubles in that State.
-- 502 -- p635-551
CLVII. THE DECEASE OF ELDER PENNIBACKER.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 25, 1868.
[figure description] Page 502.[end figure description]
Wun by wun we go! Wun by wun the tall oaks totter and
fall! We view their prostrate forms a second, they sink into
the earth and are lost to site, tho to memry dear, forever.
Then around the old stump the young sprouts grow up more
vigorouser than ever.
I ain't slingin these moral reflecshuns for nothin. I never
waste the pathetics. Whenever a man is pulled drowndid
from the creek in this visinity, wich happens frekently, there
bein three distilleries onto it, I never weep until I see whether
he belongs to my congregrashun. It requires too much uv an
effort to weep, to do it on all okkashuns.
Elder Abslum Pennibacker, to-wunst the strength and ornament
uv the meetin house uv wich I hev bin for two yeers the
pastor, departid this life at 2 P. M. this afternoon. For him I
weep, for him the teers is flowin over the paper onto wich
these lines is penned. I am writin em in the presence uv the
wife and children uv the deceest, and it does em good to see
me affectid. When one kin confer satisfaction at so little
trouble ez carryin an onion in his pocket handkerchief, he
wood be a broot indeed ef he did not prove hisself ekal to
the occasion.
Elder Pennibacker wuz born in Pennsylvany, uv real old
Democratic stock. He wuz born amid the scenes uv the war
uv Independence, and he growed up with Revolooshenary
memries inspirin him. His father fought in the Revolooshen,
havin come all the way across the Atlantic to do it. He wuz
a Hessian, and therefore wuzn't penshuned by the Amerikin
Government. But at the Fourth uv Jooly celebrashens, the
old man wuz invited to sit on the stand, the yomanry uv that
secshun not knowin that it made any difference ez to the side
he took in the struggle.
Young Abslum growd up amid exslent inflooences. Ther
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[figure description] Page 503.[end figure description]
wuzn't no skools in the visinity in his infancy, and jist ez he
mite hev bin contaminated by em, his father moved to Kentucky,
wher he wuz safe from all sich. The old gentleman
dyin, Abslum inherited the paternal akers, and paternal niggers,
and become a man among men. The genius uv the man
now began to develop. Untrameled by the narrer views uv
his paternal ancester, he boldly launcht out for hisself. He
early distinguished hisself by his inventive genius, wich took
the real Kentucky shoot. Twas him wich conceeved the idea
uv braidin small wire into the lashes uv nigger whips; and not
satisfied with that, he, after a month's hard study brought out
the improvement in the nigger-paddle uv borin holes into it.
He hed a desprit struggle to get it adoptid. The blind planters
uv the neighborhood hed faith in the old paddle, plain, and the
Elder wuz forst to demonstrate, by actooal experiment on his
niggers, its sooperiority. He killed two in doin it, but he triumphed.
It wuz found that more chastisement cood be inflicted
with it in a given time, than by the old method, and
that it lasted longer.
I need not say wat his politics wuz. He wuz never nothin
but a Dimocrat. He commenst his career votin three times for
Jackson, and the candidates wich follered in succession hed no
cause to complain uv his zeel. Under Bookanan his faithfulnis
wuz rewardid. The postoffis wich I now hold wuz given him,
and he discharged the dooties faithfully and to the best uv his
ability. Ez he coodent read, he put wat letters wich arriv out
into a box outside, lettin every one who come take one ef they
wantid to. The paper wich come to the offis for Deekin
Pogram he learned to distribbit in two weeks. The out-goin
mail he dumped into a Looisville bag, feelin a great load wuz
off his mind when it departid. He held the offis till they
wanted him to make out a quarterly report. He wuz nonplussed.
He either hed to buy a nigger who cood read and
write, or resign, and he resigned.
The Elder wuz the happy possessor uv three hundred niggers.
They wuz probably the best lot uv niggers in Kentucky.
He hed three shades uv color. The trader cood find anything
in the line uv a nigger, up to these three, that he wantid, on
his plantashen. There wuz the pure Congo, the agil mulatto,
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[figure description] Page 504.[end figure description]
and the comely quadroon. Ther wuz no higher mix than the
quadroon, for it will be remembered the family hedn't bin
slave-owners but two generashens. They hed accomplished a
great deal, however, for the time they hed hed em.
The Elder hed bin in failin health ever since 1862. In that
year he embarkt into a speculashun wich bid fair to make him
wun uv the wealthiest men in the State, and wood, hed things
bin continyood normal. Ther wuz niggers runnin to the Fedral
camps from all parts uv the State, and the Elder conceeved
the idea uv goin to the sed camps and claimin uv em. The
offiser in command wuz so anxious to consiliate him that he
wood gladly give em up, without bein pertikiler about proofs,
and the Elder gathered, in that way, in two months, over a
hundred. It required a good deel of ridin, and that fatigue,
combined with the exposure incident to bushwhackin Fedral
pickets, wich wuz guardin his fences and sich, brought on a
spell uv sickness from which he never fully recovered. The
Emancipashen Proclamashen nearly finisht him, and he lingered
along, a broken man, ontil Johnson's 22d uv Febrooary speech,
wich acted ez a tonic onto him. He revived, but the effeck
wuz temporary. Ez the Conservatives made headway, he
came up, and ez Congris triumphed, he went down, and thus
he lived like a candle in a tin lantern, flickrin or quiet, ez the
wind blowd. He pluckt up amazinly after the eleckshuns last
fall, but alas, the treachery uv Meade and the re-instatement
uv Stanton wuz two blows from wich he cood not hope to
recover. And so, yesterday at 2 P. M., wich in this case
means post mortem, he died.
“Send in Sairey!” sed he, and a favorite mulatto woman uv
hizzen who, owin to the fact uv her havin eight children who
wuz quadroons, hed stayed onto the place, wuz sent for. She
sot on the bed, and the Elder's head wuz placed in her lap.
“Give me my munney,” sed he, and a box uv Confedrit scrip
wuz given him. And so, with his head in Sairey's lap, fingerin
Confedrit scrip and takin likker out uv a spoon, he passed
gently away. It wuz a troo Kentucky deparcher. “This is
the eend of life!” sed I. “May my eend be like his,” murmured
Deekin Pogram, and all wuz o'er.
There wuz trouble immejitly. When the Elder's will wuz
-- 505 -- p635-554
[figure description] Page 505.[end figure description]
read I wuz disappointed to find that he hed not remembered
me, and Mrs. Pennibacker wuz also disappointed to find that
the Elder hed left the half uv his estate to Sairey; and his
wife, Sairey, and the people uv the Corners to wich he
wuz indebted in small sums, wuz disappinted to find that
Bascom hed a mortgage on everything the Elder possessed, uv
quite its valyoo. Bascom, I bleeve, hez a mortgage onto every
foot uv ground within ten miles uv here. He wood hev a
mortgage onto my property, I make no doubt, ef I hed any.
But I ain't, halleloogy! We buried the Elder to-day. It wuz
a large funeral. In the front wuz his children, by his wife,
then the entire Corners; and back uv them more than forty
yaller niggers, who hed bin hizzen. Wat drawd em to his
tomb? Wuz it instink? Who kin tell? But a pillar hez
fallen; I am too sad to write more.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLVIII. THE PENDLETON THEORY IN KENTUCKY.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
February 1, 1868.
A few days ago Bascom come into the offis, and remarked
that he thought it wuz time the Corners spoke.
“Onto wot pertikeler subjeck wood you hev the Corners
speek, my cherub?” sed I. “The Corners hez exercised her
throat onto almost everything up to date.”
“Troo,” sed G. W., “but there's one subjeck onto wich the
Corners hezn't sed her say, namely, the crushin wate uv taxashen,
and the question uv payin the bonds in greenbax.”
“That's probably becoz,” remarkt I, “the Corners pays nary
tax; and becoz, also, not hevin any bonds nor greenbax, she
don't care, to speek after the manner uv men, a d—n about it.
Isn't that the case?”
-- 506 --
[figure description] Page 506.[end figure description]
“Probably it is, but at the same time we ought to extend a
helpin hand to our brethren North, who are makin a valyent
fite on this thing. Parson, we must hold a meetin on this
question, and resolve.”
Willin to accommodate Bascom, I called the meetin, and last
nite it took place. It wuz an enthoosiastic gathrin. Skasely hed
the horn tooted afore the church wuz filled. It wuz curiosity
wich brot em. None uv em but Bascom, Captain McPelter, and
myself, knowed wat a bond wuz, and they wantid to find out.
I wuz called upon to state the objeck uv the gathrin. I opened
with a movin appeal to the people who wuz groanin under a
load uv taxashen, for the benefit uv the lordly bond-holders uv
the country; whose very life blood wuz a bein sucked out uv
em by the bond-aristocrats uv the country.
At this pint Joe Bigler, who wuz uv course in the aujence,
commenst weepin perfoosely, but disgustinly loud. He fairly
bellered, and displayed altogether too much emoshun.
“Mr. Bigler,” sed I, “woodent a little less violent sorrer
anser?”
“Parson,” sed he, “never hevin paid a cussid cent uv taxes
in my life, I never knowd afore how much I wuz bein oppressed.
But I'll contane myself if I kin. I'll cork up my
woes if they bust me.”
I then went on to explane the Pendleton ijee. First, the
Government owes about four hundred thousand millions uv
dollers, more or less, wich is borrowed. The Ablishn ijee is to
pay this off ez it falls due, in gold, and in the mean time to pay
interest onto the bonds ez per agreement on the face uv em.
But this is oppressive. This payin interest is wat's eatin us
up. Therefore, Pendleton proposes to pay these bonds by
ishooin four hundred thousand million uv greenbax. When
these greenbax wear out, so that they ain't passable no more —
so that Bascom won't take em for drinks, for instance, — why,
then we'll print more greenbax and give em new ones. I don't
see that the debt is paid off any, but we git out uv the intrest.
We ishoo a non-bearin intrest note wich the greenback is, for
an intrest-bearin note wich the present bond is, and compel the
bond-holders to take em, thus releevin us, the tax payers, uv
the weight uv taxashen we are now compelled to carry. This
-- 507 --
[figure description] Page 507.[end figure description]
ijee is not, however, original with Pendleton. He's bin a
steelin my thunder. I subsisted many yeers in Noo Jersey by
the same expedient. Whenever I owed a man I gave him my
note, and felt that a great load wuz off my mind. When it
became doo, ef it made the creditor eny easier in his mind, I
took it up by givin him another, and so on, pervided he wuz
willin and hed faith enuff to pay for the stamps. It wuz an
easy and simple method uv gittin on in the world without
onpleasantnis.
Captain McPelter, late uv the Confedrit army, wantid to
know ef the greenback wuz good enuff for the soljer, ef it
wuzn't good enuff for the bondholder?
Bascom endorsed all that hed bin sed, and demandid resolooshens,
moovin ones, wich he presentid, and they wuz passed.
At this pint occurred suthin wich wuzen't down in the bill.
Skasely hed the resolooshens passed, when Joe Bigler stepped
forward and remarkt that he hed votid for them resolooshens
becoz he beleeved in em. But he wantid the ijee carried
forerd to its logical conclooshen. He owed Bascom eighty odd
dollars, wich wuz bearin interest, and hed bin for some time,
and wood, probably, for some time to come. Now, what is
justis in governmental matters, is ekally so in privit life. He
demanded uv Bascom that note, and that he accept in its stead
one wich bore no interest. He hed borne this burden too
long, and it wuz high time that he be releeved.
Deekin Pogram felt that he must agree with Mr. Bigler.
Bascom held his note for $490, wich hed bin runnin on intrest
for a long time, and he felt that he cooden't stand it no —
“Why, blarst yer eyes,” sez Bascom, “I lent yoo that money
to save yer farm from bein sold out from under yer feet!”
“Troo, but there's a principle in it. I can't toil to pay
interest to yoo no more than I kin to the Government. Let us
be consistent, G. W., watever we are.”
At this juncter every man in the buildin rose to his feet
very excitedly, all uv em in korious commenst.
“Bascom holds a note uv mine, wich bears interest,
and I —”
And Bascom, badgered ez he was, flung himself out uv the
church in disgust. The aujence who hed, however, got an
-- 508 --
[figure description] Page 508.[end figure description]
ijee, wuz not disposed to give it up. They follered him without
eny formal adjournment to his grosery, but he hed anticipated
that, and hed locked it. But all nite they hung around
the place, yellin, “Give me my note! Give me my note!” and
they hed faith that they finally wood bring him to terms.
But along about seven o'clock the people began to change
their toon. It wuz time for their mornin bitters, and they exclaimed
ez one man, “Bascom! why don't yoo open out?
Let us in!”
All uv a sudden the door wuz flung open, and there wuz reveeled
to the gaze uv the Corners the most impressive tabloo
ever witnest. In the centre uv the room stood Bascom, with a
burnin pine knot in his hand, wildly wavin it over his head;
afore him stood a barl uv whisky, on end, with the head out.
We growd pale.
“Ha! ha!” laft he, with the most malignant and feendish
expression upon his countenance, “it wuz yoor turn last nite;
this mornin its mine. Ther ain't a drop in the Corners cept
wat is in this barl, and not a drop uv this shel yoo hev for love
or money! Ha! ha! who hez the inside track now. I'll burn
it the minit the first one crosses the threshhold.”
“Make a rush,” yelled Bigler; “it won't burn, coz he's bin a
waterin it for a week.”
“Ha! too troo! but I hev yoo yit. I'll overturn the barl!”
I seed the pint to-wunst. A cold chill crept over me, and
Deekin Pogram shook like an aspen leaf. None cood be prokoored
this side uv Looisvill, three days at least! Spose the
recklis man shood carry out his threat!
The Deekin and I threw ourselves into the breech. We saw
that Bascom wuz in dead earnest. The crowd saw things ez we
did, and softened down. It wuz finally proposed ez a compermise
that the rekords uv the meetin shood be destroyed, and
that the ijee uv exchangin notes with Bascom shood be abandoned,
and Bascom on his part to go on ez yoosual. This settled,
we all took our regeler stiffners, and thus the Corners
bridged the greatest danger that ever threatened her. Ther
is peece here now.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 509 -- p635-558
CLIX. THE IMPEACHMENT MATTER.
Washington, D. C., March 8, 1868.
[figure description] Page 509.[end figure description]
The most affectin time I ever eggsperienced wuz in Washinton
last nite. His Eggslency telegrafft me to come to Washinton.
I hevn't tied much to him recently, but I coodent forgit
that he first gave me the offis I live on, that his honored
name is at the bottom of the commission I hold, and I felt that
I ought at least to be with him while he wuz dissolutin. I determined
that he should draw his last offishel breath onto my
buzzum.
I arrived late, and at wunst perceeded to the Executive
Manshen. It wuz a familyer sceen. Ther wuz Seward, Randall,
Secretary Welles, and the President, and all uv em graver
than the saintly raven uv the stately days uv yore. The President
wuz a tryin to keep a stiff upper lip, but I cood see teers
a follering each other adown his holler cheeks in rapid succession.
“He's a goner!” thot I; “no man kin stand that drain
on his flooids. No matter how much he may take in, that pace
will kill any one.”
The President wuz a readin telegrams and letters, and they
wuz not uv a carikter to pleeze him. The first wuz from
Belmont, and read thus: —
*“I hev, ez yoo know, the highest possible regard for yoor
Eggslency, and shel regret exceedingly to see yoo deprived uv
yoor high offis; but, reely you kin scarcely eggspect the
Dimocracy to embarrass themselves by espousin yoor coz.
The fact is, no party hevin a fucher before it kin tie itself to a
ded past. The teemster draws a sigh over a ded mule, but ez
a ded mule can't draw his cart, he naturally turns his eyes onto
them still possest uv vitality. I hope yoo see the pint without
my explainin it. Excuse me for comparin yoo to a ded mule,
but the simile wuz the first that segested itself to me.
“With profound respect, I am, &c.
-- 510 --
[figure description] Page 510.[end figure description]
“P. S. Should biznis call me to Tennessee, I shel do myself
the honor to call on yoo in yoor dignified retirement.”
eaf635n83* The Democracy treated Johnson with contemptuous coolness in his last days.
His failure to divide the Republican party made him of no use to them.
The President wiped an avalanche uv teers wich follered the
reedin uv this unfeelin letter, and the next wuz opened.
“Maysville, Ky., February 30, '68.
“Wood a regiment uv Irish raised in this place be uv any
servis? Anser!
J. A.”
“Hell!” sed Randall, “the whole county only polls 800
votes, and that cuss hez bin borin me for a place in the department
for over a year. Drive on.”
The next letter wuz from Vallandygum: —
“Since the disgraceful exhibishen yoor friends made uv
theirselves at the Philadelphia Convenshen, I didn't consider
myself bound to yoo. I, ez yoo know, never took any stock in
half-and-half mixters. My defeet by Thurman hezn't increased
my love for yoo and yoors. I hev no objecshen to yoor holdin
yoor seet to the end uv yoor term, but reely it's a matter uv
but little consekence to me. Shood you pass thro Dayton on
yoor way to Tennessee, I shood be glad to extend the hospitalities
uv my humble house to yoo.”
The next one wuz from Franklin Peerse, and dated at
Concord, N. H.: —
“I feel for yoo; that is, I feel for yoo on general principles.
(Thad Stevens, permit me to say, in parenthesis, hez been
feelin for yoo, and hez at last, I am satisfied, found yoo.) I feel
for yoo ez I do for every man who hez a offis and is obliged to
leeve it. Nevertheless, I can't help you. I wood, but yoo see
we hev all we kin do to help ourselves. Uv course yoo don't
expect the Dimocracy to take any part in the struggle between
yoo and Congriss. Elected ez a Republikin, with Republikins
in yoor Cabinet, the Dimocrisy, while they applaud wat yoo
hev done, can't uv course make yoor quarrel theirs. When yoo
leave Washington for Tennessee can't yoo take Concord in yoor
way? I hev no objecshen to minglin teers with yoo.”
The next wuz from a Western politishen, lately appinted
Postmaster: —
“Sir: I return the appintment yoo gave me last month
-- 511 --
[figure description] Page 511.[end figure description]
with loathin and skorn. I survived the Noo Orleans and
Memphis massacres, yoor opposition to the will of Congris,
and all the other damnin inquities uv yoor most damnable
administration, but this last attempt to hist Stanton I can't
endorse. Therefore I bolt. Your successor will, I hope, do
me justis, and likewise the Senit.”
“Lord!” sed Randall, “that cuss bored me for better nor
a yeer for the appintment, but the Senit won't confirm him.
O, Wade, what hevent yoo to undergo? O, Johnson, from
what hev yoo escaped!”
A prominent Eastern Dimocrat wrote ez follows: —
“Defy Congriss, and let em impeech yoo. Dare em to do
their dirty d—dest. Ef they shood hist yoo, all the better.
It will be an immense help toward the election uv McClellan.
Think how much yoo kin do for the coz in this way, and stand
firm. Visit Hartford on yoor way to Tennessee.”
A Western Democrat wrote: —
“Be firm — be firm. The impeachment uv yoorself will
raise sich a storm uv indignashun in the North, and sich sympathy
for Southern Dimokrats, ez to make the nominashun uv
even sich men ez Breckinridge certin. Yoo are, now, uv vast
yoose to the coz! I will meet yoo at Looisville, and accompany
yoo to Tennessee.”
“McClellan! Pendleton! Breckinridge!” shouted the President;
“wat uv me! Am I to bleed solely for their good? I
don't want to go to Tennessee, nor I won't. Am I to go out
impeached for their benefit? Never!” And Androo, who
isn't quite ez much uv a philosopher as Sokratees, bustid into
teers, swearin that he'd see em blest afore he'd sakrifis a minit
uv his term for any body's yoose but his own.
The next wuz from a Assessor in Illinoy, who went on to
remark that he wood be glad to support him, but a decent regard
for the interests uv his family indikated a different course.
He hed espoused the cause uv the President agin Congris for
the sake uv the position, and the President cood well understand
that it wuz no more difficult to change now to keep a
offis, than it wuz to change two years ago to git one. He wuz
at this time bizzily engaged in supportin Congris.
-- 512 --
[figure description] Page 512.[end figure description]
“Call it not ingratitood,” sed he; “I wuz in the market then,
and am now, percisely ez wuz all them wich yoo led captive
out uv the Republikin party. He is a eggregis ass who worships
the settin sun, when by turnin around he kin let the
golden rays uv the risin orb beam onto him.”
At this pint, and long afore the afflicted President hed recovered
from these blows, Welles's nephew, who hed bin out
on a scout, returned with a report. Fust, he hed notist that
every durned one uv the cusses who hed bin beseegin the
White House for appintments for months past, wuz now doggin
Senator Wade around; that they waited in-doors, at the door
uv the Senit Chamber, and that they beseeged his hotel. Secondly,
that the Constooshnel Yoonyun Club wuz then in session,
and wuz jest debatin the question whether to change the name
uv the Club to the “Ekal Rites Assosiashen,” or the “Radikle
Brotherhood!” Third, that the conservative clerks in the
Departments wuz all organizin theirselves in Grant clubs, and
that already one uv the Department clubs hed ordered 4000
Grant medals, turnin in the old Johnson medals they hed bin
wearin as part pay.
“Good Heavens!” sed His Eggslency.
“Wat else cood yoo expect?” retortid Randall; “we bot em
cheap, and they are cheap men. I may do the same thing afore
nite. The experiment uv buyin up a party at so much a head
hez bin tried afore, and hez alluz failed, very much like the ijee
uv perpetual moshen. Yoo ken git considerable enthoosiasm
ez long ez yoor provender holds out, but then — The fact is
yoo dident get no Republikins worth hevin, and yoo ain't uv no
yoose to the Democrisy, becoz yoo coodent carry enuff uv them
Republikins over to do em any good. My deer sir, yoor in a
tite place. We're retired physicians, whose sands uv life hev
neerly run out. I see afore me a long vista uv private life.
I sold myself ruther cheep, but I don't complain. I hev about
filled the measure uv my ambishen — people forgit in a few
years, and ef they didn't, Amerikin people won't be crooel enuff
to hold my children responsible for wat I hev done. Some uv
em — I hev keerfully kept em away from Washington for neerly
three years — may yet redeem the name uv Randall, even ez
worthy men by the name uv Arnold hev managed to live and
-- 513 -- p635-562
[figure description] Page 513.[end figure description]
be respected — their virchoos more than balancin the unfortinit
name they wuz cust with. But, A. Johnson, yoor time
is short. The Republikins is furious, and the Dimocrisy hed
ruther see it than not. I, too, will visit yoo in yoor retirement
in Tennessee.”
“More joy A. Johnson in his eggsile feels,
Than 'fore the Senit laid him by the heels.”
By the time he wuz done talkin, the balance uv em hed all
left the room, and when he wuz done he went too, leavin no one
but me. The sceen wuz affectin. Droppin his head onto my
buzzum, the scaldin teers a runnin down his cheeks, he exclaimed,
in a holler voice, “One by one they go. Mrs. Cobb fust,
and the balance immejitly after. O, wat a world is this!”
I draw the curtain over his greef. I may hev to financeer
somewhat to hold my place, but I alluz respeck manly emoshn.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLX. POLLOCK VS. BIGLER.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 2, 1868.
The Corners is continyooally eggsited. Scarcely does one
fever git herself allayed afore another is set agoin, and the
result is the community is kept a bilen perpetooally. Pertickelerly
does this occur when Bascom runs short. His barrels
contain the troo oil wich flows onto the troubled waters uv
our passions, and when them is out, there's a minatoor Tophet
to-wunst.
The last excitement wuz probably the most pekoolyer that
ever happened to enny people, tho it wuz nothin more than
cood be expected to grow out uv the altered relashens uv the
races to each other. It wuz one uv the legacies left us by the
tyrant Linkin, and by no meens the least uv em.
-- 514 --
[figure description] Page 514.[end figure description]
Under the old patriarkle system, it wuz the custom uv the
niggers to go by the name uv their trooly patriarkle masters,
wich wuz nessary, and not only nessary, but proper. Onto
every plantashen ther wood be Ceesers, Hannibals, and Pompeys,
and the only way to distinguish em wuz to call em Ceeser
Pogram, Hannibal Gavitt, et settry. This ansered very
well ez long ez they wuz in a state uv skriptooral servitood;
indeed, the proud Caucashen masters rather liked it, ez the
frekency with wich their names wuz called indikated the extent
uv their possessions. But sence these cusses hev sot up for
themselves, it ain't so pleasant. Now that they kin own property
and perform all the functions uv men, the same ez eny one
else, it hez become distasteful to the Corners. It is a singular
fact that the Corners hez diskivered, since the niggers wuz set
free, suthin they never knowd afore, to-wit: The niggers hez
an odor unlike the white. When they wuz slaves, and used to
nuss em and play with em, and wait on em, and sich, this odor
wuz not perceptible. It hez developed sence emancipashen.
Jes so with ther names. In ther normal condishen it wuz
well — sence, it's a degredashun wich the Corners won't brook,
no how.
Deekin Pogram and Issaker Gavitt pertikelerly chafed under
it. They mourned and lost flesh under the inflickshen. “To
think,” sed the Deekin, “uv a hundred free niggers bearin the
honored name uv Pogram!” “To think,” syed Issaker Gavitt,
“uv a hundred niggers bearin the illustrus name uv Gavitt!”
And so they petishened the Legislacher at Frankfort to
releeve em, by passin a law perhibitin niggers from bearin the
name uv white men wich wuz their former masters. The fact
leeked out, and this imbrolyo wuz the result.
Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, wich is a disturber, immejitly
sood Joe Bigler for a store debt, and hed him hauled up
afore Squire Punt. Joe immejitly subpœnaed all the citizens
uv the Corners ez witnesses, and hed em all in the Court room.
“Come,” sed Deekin Pogram, “sware me and let me go. I
don't know nothin about this matter anyhow.”
“Not yit,” sed Bigler; “I hev other testimony wich I shel
put in. Mr. Constable, call Hannible Pogram.” The Deekin
started ez ef he hed bin shot.
-- 515 --
[figure description] Page 515.[end figure description]
“And ez we kin save the valyooable time uv this court by
swearin uv em in a lump, yoo may call also Pompey Pogram,
Joolius Pogram, Ceeser Pogram, George Washington Pogram
(so named becoz, like the first G. W., he coodent tell a lie, wich
is proof concloosive that he is a pure black, and haint got no
Pogram blood in his vaines), Mellissy Pogram, Abslum Pogram,
Cleopatra Pogram, Paul Pogram, Marie Antynett Pogram,
Bonaparte Pogram, Charles Wesley Pogram, Abel Jackson
Po—”
“Wat does this mean?” shreeked the Deekin, ez they filed
into the court room. “Wat do yoo mean by bringin into this
yer court all these d—d niggers?”
“Wat do I mean? Wat difference is it to yoo? They'r
my witnesses — by these intelligent freemen I perpose to prove
that yer Pollock a perjered villain and a most unconshunable
swindler.”
And he grinned at Pollock, who winked wickedly at him in
return.
“And I,” sed Pollock, “to save time, mite ez well hev my
witnesses swore. Issaker Gavitt, stand up.”
Issaker arose.
“Now, Mr. Constable, call Pompey Gavitt, Melindy Gavitt,
Augustus Gavitt, Petronella Gavitt, Lycurgus Gavitt, Abslum
Gavitt, Moses Gavitt, Jefferson Gavitt, Adam Gavitt, Martha
Washington Gavitt, Parker Gav—”
“Am I to be swore with all these niggers,” roared Issaker,
red in the face.
“Reely,” sed Square Punt, “I can't permit this.”
“But yoo must,” sed Bigler. “Ez desprit a wretch ez is
this Pollock, ez deeply ez hez wronged me, ez much ez I loath,
hate, and despise him, he shel hev fair play in a court uv
justis. Even shood he beet me and crush me neath his iron
heel, I insist that he shel hev his rites. But the Square hed
better swear mine first.”
And ez they generally don't like trouble with Bigler, the
Square, pale ez a gost, for he didn't know wat wuz comin,
swore the pile.
“Now,” sed Bigler, “Ceeser Pogram, stand up. Ceeser, do
yoo know the nacher uv an oath?”
-- 516 --
[figure description] Page 516.[end figure description]
“Yes, sah.”
“Who wuz yoor father, Ceeser?”
“Don't know, sah.”
“Is yoor mother in the room, and hez she bin sworn?”
“Yes, sah.”
“You may set down for the present. Will Melissy Pogram
arise?”
The wench got up.
“Now, Melissy, state to the court the paternity uv yoor
son?”
“I object,” shreeked the Deekin. “What hez that to do
with yoor owin Pollock a store debt?”
“Is this yoor case?” retorted Bigler. “Are yoo defendant
or plaintiff herein? Melissy, anser. No, Melissy, on second
thots, to spare the blushes uv the Deekin — to cast the mantle
uv oblivion over the peccadilloes uv his yooth — yoo needent
anser. Do yoo want to cross-examine the witness, Mr.
Pollock?”
“No!” returned he.
“Lycurgus Gavitt, stand up. Wat rite hev yoo to bear the
name uv Gavitt?”
“It wuz my fadder's name.”
“To wich pertikeler Gavitt do yoo allood?”
“The lately deceased Elder.”
“Then yoo are half-brother to Issaker?”
“I is.”
“Yoo may sit down. I will state to the court the objict uv
these questions, which, without explanashen, may appear irrelevant.
Mr. Bigler and I agreed unanimously ez to how this
soot should be conducted. Niggers alone knowd the coz uv
difference that unfortnitly ariz between us, and knowing that
the pure African wuz unworthy uv beleef, we determined to
yoose only sich ez cood show indisputable descent from good,
trustworthy, Caucashen citizens. Hence this preliminary eggsaminashen.
We hev here the niggers uv mixed blood from
every plantashen in the naberhood, and we shel reject all who
can't show mixt blood. Their evidence must be taken, for to
doubt the word uv the sons and daughters uv sich men wood
-- 517 --
[figure description] Page 517.[end figure description]
be the heighth uv presumpshen, and an insult wich they
wood be justified in resentin.”
“Certinly,” sed Bigler, “and let's git at it. Bonaparte
Pogram, stand up.”
“Hold,” shriekt the Deekin, observin that Mrs. Pogram hed
just stept into the room; “how much is at ishoo in this yer
soot?”
“Ninety-one cents and the costs that hev acrood,” sed
Pollock.
“I'll pay it,” remarkt the Deekin, nervously, “ruther than
hev this farce go on. Don't call no more uv em — don't.
Here's the money.”
“It can't be,” sed Bigler; “I'm bound to crush that Pollock.”
“Don't perceed — don't,” yelled Punt, McPelter, and every
other white man in the room, ez they notist their wives droppin
in one by one, “it's reelly too small a matter — reelly
it is.”
“Well,” sed Bigler, “ez there appears to be sich a yoonanimus
desire therefor, I hev no objeckshen, on them terms, to
forgive Pollock;” and the cusses embraced in open court, while
the Deekin, McPelter, and the rest uv em wuz a payin the
niggers their witness fees.
Ez they wuz a leavin the Court Room, Bigler sung out, —
“Deekin, ef yoo send on that petishen to Frankfort, I shel
send on a protest, provin that evry one uv the niggers
who bear yoor name hev a nateral rite to it. Let it alone,
Deekin. Ef the niggers kin stand the name, yoo ought not
to object.”
And he and Pollock rolled off together, laffin vociferously.
It was a plot atween em to annoy the Corners. Wood, O, wood
that we cood be delivered from em!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 518 -- p635-567
CLXI. SERGEANT BATES IN PETTUSVILLE, VIRGINIA.
Washington, D. C., 20, 1868.
[figure description] Page 518.[end figure description]
*Happenin to be in Washington at the time Sergeant Bates,
that noblest Roman uv all the Northern men who took up arms
agin the Sunny South, wuz to arrive, it okkured to me that it
wood be a payin investment ef I shood go out to Pettusville,
wich is a beautiful village, containin one dry goods store and
13 flooid groseries, and witness the reception that shood be
given him. Wat transpired thrilled me; in fact I never felt
sich a thrill uv joy in my life ez I did when I saw this battlescared
veteran heave in sight. He came, proudly bearin aloft
the Flag, wich, when the South hed her rites, and owned the
niggers body and soul, in fee simple, wuz reely and trooly the
Flag uv the Free, but wich now that, alars! there ain't a slave
under its shadder, and all are permitted to do ez they please, is
the symbol uv the most oppressive and grindin tyranny wich
the world ever witnist.
But, nevertheless, the devoshun to the old flag, wich a site
uv it stirred up in the breasts uv the people uv Pettusville,
reely surprised me. Never shel I forgit the site that met my
eyes. The Sergeant wuz met three miles out uv town, by a
perceshun wich accompanied him in, marchin in the followin
order: —
Band, playin “The Bonny Bloo Flag.”
Detachment of the Pettusville Avengers, made up uv soljers
wich formely served in the 13th Virginia, wich wuz employed
for fourteen months a guardin Andersonville.
Detachment uv the Pettusville Cadets, made up of sons uv
Confedrit soljers who wuz killed in the servis, with black
banners, onto wich wuz inscribed, “We will avenge our slain
sires.”
-- 519 --
[figure description] Page 519.[end figure description]
Quartermaster
in
late C. S. A.
Sergeant Bates
proudly carryin the
Amerikin flag.
Commissary
in
late C. S. A.
Four survivors uv the late onpleasantnis, carryin each a flag
capchered from Wisconsin regiments.
Band playin “Dixie” melojously.
Citizens on foot, and hossback, and in carts.
On strikin the corporation, the Mayor (Captain Badger, uv
Forrest's Cavalry), and the town clerk (late uv the lamentid
John Morgan's command), appeared, and the procession stopped
while the formalities wuz gone through with. The Mayor received
the Sergeant in these words: —
“Sergeant Bates. Sir: Understandin, ez we do, that yoo
chivalrously made a wager (wich is a bet) with a Wisconsin
Ablishnist, that yoo cood walk from Vixburg to Washinton
carryin the Amerikin flag unfurled without being insulted nor
nothin, and hevin receeved testimony from leadin Democrats
uv Wisconsin, wich is entirely satisfactory to us, that yoo are
not in no sense, nor never wuz at any time, in sympathy with
the Ablishen, or ez they falsely style theirselves, the Republikin
party, we extend too yoo the hospitalities uv Pettusville.
And ez there are reporters present, let me remark, sir, that
yoor experience hez showd how falsely we hev bin judged by
the persekooters uv the Northern States. Yoo hev bin met on
evry hand with kindness. Southern hospitality, uv the broadest
kind, hez bin extended to yoo. Yoo hev hed a chaw off uv
evry plug, yoo hev hed yoor suck out uv evry bottle, yoor
nose shows that sence yoo entered the Sunny South you hev
not bin allowed to taste water, wich is our idee uv hospitable
treatment. Wat does this prove? Ef Charles Sumner, for
instance, or Judge Kelley, hed bin so presumpshus, or any
other Republikin, ez to attempt sich a feet, the outraged Southern
hart wood hev biled over, and he wood hev bin tored to
pieces. Wat does it prove? It proves that 'tain't the flag we
object to so much ez it is the men who hev bin in the habit uv
carryin it. In the hands uv a constitooshenel Dimocrat it's the
same old flag it alluz wuz. In sich hands, its russle sounds in
our ears like the crack uv the nigger whip, and the site
-- 520 --
[figure description] Page 520.[end figure description]
thereof is soothin. For when the flag wuz in them hands, we
hunted niggers under its folds in the streets uv Boston.
Under that flag we shot Lovejoy in Alton, and sunk Bailey's
press in the Ohio at Cincinnati. Under the shadow uv that
blessid flag we sold niggers at auction in Washinton, and that
flag, that symbol of Freedom, wood hev floated over the deck
uv every slave ship wich sailed from Africa, but for the unjust
and sooisidle laws wich forced the philanthropists in the biznis
to sale under other penants. In yoor hands, and the hands uv
sich ez you, the flag is to us the old flag it wuz then, and it's
sacred to us, becoz under it we cood do all these things.
That's why we love it, and that's why we tolerate it. Hed it
remained sich we never wood hev raised our hands agin it.
When sich ez Polk and Bookanon hed the control uv it we wuz
satisfied with it, and reverenced every stripe and every star —
for to us that flag meant suthin. It meant freedom for us —
free trade in niggers — it meant Suthern soopremacy — it
meant the rite to buy niggers — sell niggers, import niggers—
export niggers — flog niggers — hunt niggers. So long ez
the flag wuz sich we loved it. But when the North dispooted
our control uv it, and put it in the hands uv A. Linkin, an
Ablishnist, it wuz our flag no more. Then we felt it must
come down — that its mission wuz ended, and that to us it
wuz nothin. I fired onto that flag. I raised my hand agin it,
and proud I am. But borne by a Democrat — a old style
Democrat — a Democrat who stuck to us becoz he wuz afeered
of nigger ekality, it is wunst more the same old flag, and we
reverence it. Why then, when yoo, a carryin this emblem uv
the nashun's grander, kin walk all over the South, where all is
peace, and so much affeckshun is manifested for the flag, why
do they keep a army to overawe us? Why —”
An interruption here occurred. A shot wuz heard, and the
crowd rushed to see wat it wuz. They returned presently.
A funeral procession uv niggers wuz passin thro the next
street, a carryin to the nigger graveyard a nigger solger who hed
jest died uv injoories received doorin the late onpleasantnis;
and ez they marched with a flag at their head, the excited and
insulted populis hed cleaned em out. Two uv em wuz shot,
and the preacher with em wuz left for dead. This over, they
-- 521 --
[figure description] Page 521.[end figure description]
returned, and the Mayor went on. “Sergeant Bates, I welcome
yoo, and with yoo the flag, to Pettusville.”
Sergeant Bates replied briefly. Since he came into the
South he hed bin treated kindly. In the rooral deestriks, once
or twice, where the people, in their deliteful unsofistication,
don't read noosepapers, and consekently didn't jist know the
object uv his carryin the flag, he wuz went for rather ruff; but
a few words convinst em that he wuz sound, and it didn't incommode
him. The niggers in the rooral deestricks also
rather overwhelmed him with attenshun, but he hed no difficulty
in shakin em off. Stickin a coppy uv the Noo York
World in their faces did it. He cood say he wuz delited with
his experience.
The ceremony bein over, the Mayor mounted his hoss, and,
one band playin Dixie and the tother the Bonny Bloo Flag, the
percesshun moved to the town-hall, where the Sergeant wuz
interdoost to the principal citizens, incloodin the officers uv the
Kuk Klux Klan.
I left Pettusville entirely satisfied. Our stump speekers
hev now suthin to go on. The flag hez gone thro the South,
its folds hev kist the breeze in evry Southern State, and its
carryer hezen't bin shot on the spot onct. We kin now appeel
to the people. Hed a Ablishnist carried it he wood hev bin
shot. Can't they see in this the path to peece? Can't they
see how much more it wood harmonize things ef they wood let
sich men carry it all the time? Can't they see that, whereas,
ther will be a continyooal hart-burnin in the South ef sich a
man ez Grant hez charge uv the nashnel emblem, that all will
be lovely and sweet ef it is given into the hands uv Pendleton?
Sich is the lesson I extract from Sergeant Bates.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n84* A Democrat named Bates, who served during the war, made a wager that he
would carry the flag unfurled from Washington to Vicksburg, without molestation
on the route. As Sergeant Bates was thoroughly in sympathy with the
majority of the white people on the route, he, of course, won his wager.
-- 522 -- p635-571
CLXII. A CONVENTION AT THE CORNERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 26, 1868.
[figure description] Page 522.[end figure description]
There never will be peace, or anything like it, at the Corners
till that disturber, Joe Bigler, and his adherent, Pollock, are
shot, or otherwise killed. In the olden time, afore the inoggerashen
uv the Ablisheners, we hed a short way uv disposin
uv sich. It wuz a maxim in the South that ther cood be peece
only wher ther wuz a perfeck yoonanimity uv sentiment, and to
bring about that onenis uv idees — that deliteful concord wich
wuz so desirable — we were in the habit uv shootin or hangin
the most stubborn uv those wich didn't agree with the majority,
and tarrin and featherin those who were yet accessible to
Kentucky reason. By viggerusly persooin this course the
minorities in this vicinity wuz kept tollably small and controllable.
Why these cusses hevent bin so treated passes my
comprehenshen.
Our convenshun to nominate candidates for county offices
wuz held yesterday. I wuz cheerman uv course, for I now
okkupy that posishen (since it wuz discovered that Captain
McPelter kin write he hez bin Sekretary), and I felt a sinkin
sensashen when I saw that cuss, Bigler, and that other cuss,
Pollock, enter the door.
Deekin Pogram, ez he saw em, biled over. Risin to his feet,
the venerable old patriark inquired, in a voice tremulous with
emoshun, wat in thunder he wuz there for.
“Josef, hev yoo a rite to set in a Democratic convenshun,
holdin, ez yoo do, opinyuns the reverse uv Dimocratic?”
“Deekin,” returned this Bigler, “I carry in my body Fedral
lead — I wuz under the Confedrit flag in sixty battles, skermishes,
and skedaddles. I hev a certifikate to that effeck from
the late lamented John Morgan. That certifikit wood admit
me to a seet in any Dimocratic Convenshun in the North —
shel it not be sufficient here in Kentucky? Alars, the Profit
is not without honor save in his own Cross Roads.”
-- 523 --
[figure description] Page 523.[end figure description]
And Josef let on he wept, when Pollock ostentashusly
handed him a pocket handkercher.
“Ef I hed any hetrodox views I hev repented uv em, me
and Pollock, and we perpose to vote for all yer resolooshens,
like frisky lambs wat is glad to get back to the troo fold.
Don't we Pollock?”
“Certin, we do. The Convenshun may go on and count
us in ez troo converts from Ablishism; wich, in view uv the
fact that my store hez bin set on fire twict becoz uv my awful
opinions, I may be sed to be literally a brand pluckt from the
burnin. Go on.”
Findin they wuz bound to stay, we went on. The first thing
in order wuz the adopshen uv resolooshens, ez follows: —
1. We resolved we hed the utmost confidence in Androo
Johnson, President uv the Yoonited States, pervided he wuzn't
impeeched; ef he wuz, then we shood hev the privilege uv
considerin him worthy uv confidence or not, ez the circumstances
uv the case shood warrant.
2. That the Congris uv the Yoonited States wuz a unconstitooshnel
body, wich wuz persistently endeavrin to break up the
Government uv the Yoonited States.
3. That the thanks uv the Democracy is due the people uv
the South for their forbearance in not risin to sweep the radical
faction from the face uv the earth.
At this pint Bigler arose. He wanted to know ef this convenshen,
stylin itself Democratic, wuz agoin to be satisfied
with them resolooshens? He called for the readin uv the
regler one, without wich no Democratic platform wuz complete.
He referred to the one dedicatin this Government forever to
white men. “Here it is,” he sed.
Resolved, That this Government wuz established by white
men, and that white men will keep it intact for white men and
their posterity forever.
“I demand, ez a white man,” sed this Bigler, “that this
resolooshun be added. Let every white man, every proud
Caucashen, who believes in race, say `Aye,' and with emphasis.”
And every one uv em hollered out “Aye” with all their
mite.
-- 524 --
[figure description] Page 524.[end figure description]
“Good!” sed Bigler, “good. White men and their posterity!
Wat a noble sentiment! Say `Aye' to my resolooshun agin.”
And they yelled “Aye” agin.
“Now Pollock, brother in the troo faith, newly baptized,
will yoo open the door? It's better to be a door-keeper in the
house uv Democracy than to dwell in the tents of Ablishnism.
Open the door.”
Wich Pollock did, and then entered — wat! Good Heavens!—
A Hundred Mulatto, Quadroon, and Octoroon Niggers—
two by two.
“Wat does this mean?” shrieked I.
“Who are them?” gasped Deekin Pogram.
“Hell!” sed Issaker Gavitt, profanely.
“They are the posterity referred to in my resolooshen.
`This Government wuz established by white men, and shel be
preserved for white men and their posterity,' I think it read.
These are the posterity. There may be a few here who wood
be barred out on the score uv bein the posterity of white
women, but these are excepshuns. The majority uv those
here, ez yoo kin easily determine by their color, are the posterity
uv white men. They are not pure black. Here is
every shade, from the subdood yaller uv the mulatto, up to the
almost white uv him who hez only a sixteenth part nigger
blood in his veins. Uv coorse they will take seats and assist
us in nominatin the ticket wich called us together.”
“Uv course they won't!” roared Deekin Pogram. “I
never will set in a convenshen with niggers — never! never!!
never!!!”
“Very good. Ef this is the yoonanimus decision, we won't
nominate any ticket. I take the responsibility uv bustin this
Convenshen. But, O, Deekin! wat a goin back on yoor principles!
Dare yoo deny that these shades, these modified
mokes, are the posterity uv white men? Deekin, shood yoo
cast yoor beamin eye over this assemblage, woodent it rest
parentally and lovinly onto yoor own posterity? O, Deekin,
ef yoo go back on the resolooshen wich yoo yoonanimously
voted for, don't, I beg uv yoo, go back onto nacher. Don't
desert yoor children. Don't turn a deef ear to the pleadins uv
nacher, or a blind eye to her supplications. Hannibal Pogram,
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go and beg yoor father to permit yoo, his posterity, sharcely
blacker than he, and a cussid site handsomer, to mix in this
yere caucus.”
The Deekin indignantly left the room, and I follered soot,
wich eggsample wuz follered by all uv us. Bigler and Pollock
remained, and nominated a ticket uv these half-bleached cusses,
making it up entirely uv the Pogram, Gavitt, and Punt niggers,
ez these names, they sed, hed weight in the county! Who
will deliver us from these two bodies uv death.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXIII. THE PREPARATIONS OF THE MARTYR FOR THE COMING EVENT.
Washington, May 2, 1868.
The President is uv the opinion that he will be impeeched,
wich opinion is shared by his confidenshel friends. Indeed,
Randall fell onto his neck when he told him that he hed
come to that conclooshun, and remarkt that that wuz the first
correct conclooshun he hed come to sence he hed bin President.
Ef anything will stop it, it will be the speeches wich
are delivered for the prosecooshun. He hez some hope that
the people, when they see the avalanche uv words that hez bin
piled onto him, will hev their hatred turned into pity, and that
pity will in this, ez in other matters, melt into love. But that's
a thin reliance, and he knows it, and is, therefore, preparin to
leave Washington. He hez already bid adoo to Mrs. Cobb.
They met for the last time this mornin. She wood hev accompanied
him to Greenville; but he sed, “Nay. To yoose
the words uv another —
`My fate it is too cold for thee, Mrs. Cobb;
'Twould chill thy deerest joy;
I'd rather weep to see thee free, Mrs. Cobb,
Than keep thee to destroy.'
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“Here we part. I hev no longer the pardnin power, or disposal
uv offices. Ef I shood git to be Mayor uv Greenville,
which is in State uv Tennessee, I mite, perchance, give yoo
the disposal of the one polece uv that anteek town; but, alars!
he cood not afford to pay yoo enuff to keep yoo in garters.
No! no! Farewell! I'm scooped. A. Johnson's okkepashun's
gone.”
Mrs. Cobb wuz led out, bathed in teers. I am informed,
however, that she is in comfortable circumstances, havin bin
ruther savin doorin that halcyon period uv pardnin rebels.
She bled em handsome, and put suthin by for a rainy day. I
told the President this, and he wuz visibly releeved. It wuz
sejested by a council uv his friends, that he shood return quietly
and by the neerest route, to wich he assented. He wood
go, he sed, unostentashusly and without display to Greenville,
by way uv Baltimore, Philadelphia, Noo York, Noo Haven,
(Conn.), Savannah, Mobeel, Noo Orleens, Looisville, and Dubuke,
Iowa. “Write to all my friends,” sed he, “and beg uv
em not to offer me any ovashens, or anythin uv the sort. I
desire to glide into history ez a martyr (with a halo round my
head), wich bowed meekly and uncomplaininly to the behests
uv the d—dest tyranny on the globe. Tell em that the most I
desire in the larger cities is processions, with appropriate
moosic, banners, and sich, to receeve me at the cars and to
escort me to my hotel, and a simple balcony from wich to
address my fellow-citizens, that I may set their hearts at rest
by asshoorin uv them that I am ez devoted to the constitooshen
now ez ever, and to tell em how much I hev suffered in
their behalf. I want no wreath, no gaudy chaplets wove for
me; no illuminashens, no nothin. I wood merely sejest that at
each place the percession be headed by a tomb — a mausoleum—
on wheels, drawed by ten black horses, all clothed in mournin,
the tomb to bear the inscription, “Impeachment: In this
is buried Androo Johnson, and with him the constitooshen, the
flag, and the liberties uv his country, wich he wood hev saved.”
It mite be well to hev another follerin behind it with a wax
figger uv Columby bustin the mausoleum, and histin a wax
figger uv me out uv it, chuckin the constitooshen at me ez she
does it, exclaimin the while, “Rise, second Washington — rise,
step-father uv yer country.” These little allegories wood
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inculcate a great moral lesson, and wood inspire the people
with awe.”
Randall objected. “Wat's the yoose?” he sed. “Ef I am
in the car with yoo, — and I spose I shel hev to see this thing
out, — the Ablishnists will jeer and flout me, and say, `Go up,
bald head!' The inscripshens they will laff at, and they won't
do our people eny good, for not one in ten kin read em.”
Welles wuz in favor uv the mausoleum, only he wood hev a
slite change. He wood hev Columbia supported by him, ez
Neptoon, the God uv the briny deep, puttin a wax sceptre,
labelled “Veto,” in the hands uv the wax President, with the
inscripshen, “With this he wood hev saved the Constitooshn.”
Randall wuz overpowered, but he did not give up his pint.
“I hev decided on this,” sed the President. “I shel not
pervent the people from testifyin their devoshen to me, and
bearin witness to my many virchoos. I hev already received
tenders of percessions ez terrible ez armies with banners.
The Blood Tubs uv Baltimore, the Killers uv Philadelfy, and
the Ded Rabbits uv Noo York, hev all expressed a desire to do
me this honor. In Noon Haven, the Noo Yorkers kin go ther to
make the percession, jist ez easy ez they went up ther to vote
our ticket in the spring, ez I shel not be in two places the
same day. In the South, ef the Confedrits I hev pardoned
will all turn out, the percessions will be miles in length, and ef
they do not, the Ku Klux will be on hand.”
Randall cautioned him not to count double. “Yoo are
probably aware,” sed he, “that the Ku Klux is made up almost
entirely uv the patriots yoo pardoned. But that don't matter;
yoo will still be ovatid to yoor heart's desire. I hev correspondence.
Here is a letter from a prominent Noo York Dimocrat:
`Hev him come this way. The nigger orfan asylum
burnt in 1863 hez bin rebilt, and the boys are achin for a chance
to go for it agin. His comin wood stir up our voters to some
extent, and help to swell the majority for Seymour.'
“Another one says, —
“`I hev no objeckshun to yoor funeral percession passin thro
Noo Haven. I don't think it wood hurt us. It wood hev the
effeck uv gittin up some excitement, wich possibly we cood
turn to account in the fall election. But it must be managed
nicely.'
-- 528 -- p635-577
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“Another remarks: —
“`He hed better come to Richmond, I think. We cood git
up a percession wich wood terrify the niggers and white loyalists,
and possibly keep em from ratifyin the Constitooshun. I
will make the speech, and will say any good things uv Johnson
yoo may sejest, for I am an old man and hev no further hopes
for myself, and am consekently reckliss.'
“I hev,” said Randall, “others uv similar import from Noo
Orleens, Mobeel, Vixburg, and Memphis. The writers all manifest
the most ardent devoshen to —”
“I knowd they wood,” exclaimed the President. “I yit hev
friends.”
“— To the candidate uv the Noo York Convenshun, and ez
they all appear to think that this percession thro the country
wood help em, I am willin. I can stand it. Like my Richmond
friend, I hev nothin to hope for.”
The tour wuz desided upon, and the President retired comparatively
happy. The people must compliment him to his
face, and he's a goin out in a sort uv a blaze uv glory any
how.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXIV. THE IMPEACHMENT FAILURE. — THE FEELING AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
Washington, D. C., May 19, 1868.
*The happiest hours I hev enjoyed for years past over me last
nite. The failyoor to impeech filled me with joy inexpressible.
Thank Hevin! Halleloogy! Ef I wuz David I shood restring
my harp, ef I wuz Miriam I shood order a fresh timbrel,
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ef I wuz Herodias I shood dance afore the King! For we hev
pervaled. Our shepherd boy hez met this Goliath uv Radicalism,
and with weapons wich he took from his pouch hez conkered
him. This rapsody hez reference to impeechment excloosively.
When the vote wuz announced ther wuz the wildest enthoosiasm
manifested. The streets wuz immejitly filled with
the faithful. Baltimore and the cities further South hed vomitid
all over Washinton. Mrs. Cobb, no longer in teers, hed
returned, the pardon-brokers, whisky-spekilaters, and those
who hed difficulties with courts on account uv irregularities in
the currency they manufactured, wuz all here, and joyful.
Confedrit Captains, Kernels, and Brigadiers forgot their respective
ranks and embraced each other in the public streets;
the gray coats wich hed seen servis at Anteetam and Harper's
Ferry made their appearance agin, the drinkin saloons filled
up ez ef by magic, in fact, the sceen remindid me very much
uv the revival uv the coz on the 22d uv Febrooary, 1866.
At the White House there wuz the most terrific exhilerashun.
The President sat smilin serenely, Sekretary Welles (blessins
on his frosty pow) wuz ez lively ez the Dunderberg, and
Patterson wuz normal. The room wuz crowded with persons
to congratoolate the President on his success, and every minit
congratulatory despatches wuz bein reseeved, uv wich the
follerin is samples: —
Concord, N. H., 19th.
The Dimocrisy uv Noo Hampsheer send greetin to Noo
Hampsheer's noblest son, Salmon P. Chase. We forgive and
welcum him.
F. Peerce.
Noo Orleans, 19th.
The city is ablaze with enthoosiasm. My old poleece is
now paradin the streets, a cheerin for Chase. Ez I write they
are givin nine cheers and a tiger ez they pass the spot at wich
Dostie wuz shot. Judge Abell desires me to add his congratulashuns.
Monroe, Ex-Mayor.
Peory, Ill., 19th.
The circle wich hez a interest in the handlin uv ardent
sperits at this place, congratulates the President on his triumph
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over his (and our) enemies. Ther confidence in the integrity
uv the Senit wuz not misplaced. They consider the money
they contributed to bring about this result well spent, and will
promptly honor any draft made upon em for means to carry
His Eggslency safe thro the remainin ten articles.
By order uv the Circle.
The President promptly answered this telegram, statin that
no more money was needed to be yoosed for impeachment purposes,
ez the contract with Senators kivered the entire eleven
articles.
There were others from Morrissey, Vallandigham, and others,
all breethin the same sperit uv thankfulnis for the result, and
all acknowledgin indebtednis to the noble Republikins wich
hed brot it about. These come from my old Kentucky home:
Halleloojy! I'll hev my niggers agin! Thank Hevin! My
son Josier is even now findin out ther whereabouts. The
Lord be praised! Hev already subjoogated three uv em.
Selah! Bells is ringin and bonfires is blazin.
Pogram.
The Corners congratulates yoo and the President. I commence
work to-morrer on the enlargement uv my distillery,
wich wuz suspended when the impeachment onpleasantnis wuz
begun. All hale!
McPelter.
“Why,” sed I to Randall, who sat moody and alone, “don't
yoo and the President share in the general exileration? He
doesn't seem to be the least eggscited.”
“Why shood we?” retorted he. “Doth the shepherd go
into spasms over the sheep he hez safe in his fold? The fact is,
our eggscitin time wuz several weeks ago, while we wuz a
buyin uv em, and arrangin for this. The Black Crook is ruther
startlin to the beholder from the front, but to the managers
who contracted for the legs at so much a pair, and arranged
the tablo it ain't so startlin.”
“Thinkst thou the new programme will result ez the President
hopes?”
“No; the new party can't succeed, no more than our last
vencher did. It ain't made up uv the right material. There's
more intelleck than sole in it — more bowels than heart.
There's Chase, Fessenden, Trumbull, and Grimes. Chase hez
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ambition, Grimes hate, and Trumbull and Fessenden dyspepsia,
making the engregencies in the new organization half ambition
and hate and half dyspepsia. Never trust a man whose stumick
is out of order; take no stock in him whose bowels is unsound.
Intelleck is nothin, heart is nothin, onless there's a stumick
under em on wich to build. Chase hez no conshense, Trumbull
and Fessenden no gastric joose. Sich men alluz conspire and
alluz fail. Still, I'm glad the thing occurred.”
“Ef it amounts to nothin, why glad?”
“Becoz it lets Johnson and me out. When Arnold went
back on his countrymen, his countrymen forgot Joodis Iskariot;
when Aaron Burr ariz, they to-wunst forgot Arnold; Pierce
drove Burr out uv the public mind, Bookanan made em forget
Pierce, Johnson made em forget Bookanan, and now Chase will
make em forget Johnson and me. That's what I wuz drivin at.
Under the storm I shell leeve for my quiet Wisconsin home
and live in peece, for beside these latter cusses I shel loom up
into comparative respectability. Good nite. All is well.”
At a late hour I retired to my virchus couch, and fallin into
the deep sleep wich only visits the pillers uv them whose conshences
ain't bothered much, uv whom I am wich, ez my conshence
sheds convickshen uv wrath to come ez a duck does
spring rain, I dreemed a most curis dreem.
Methawt the Presidenshel course wuz reely and trooly a
race course, and the candidates hed to run that course, the
winner uv the race to be glorified. At one end uv the track
wuz a weighin stand and at the other the winner's post, which
wuz the White House. The runners wuz to carry the candidates
for Vice President, and sich other weights ez their backers
shood put onto em.
The Republicans hed Grant on the ground, promptly and
ready for the race. He come up splendid. He wuzn't so
mighty immense, but he wuz clean-limbed, decently developt all
over, and showed first-rate in the back and loins. Colfax
vaulted onto his shoulders, and he wuz ready.
Our people hed some difficulty in selectin a man to run agin
him. Finally Chase wuz selected to run, and he wuz brot to
the weighin stand. To the naked eye he wuz a splendid
specimen, and he come up to the stand so galliant, that
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notwithstandin he carried in his hand a silver pitcher wich the niggers
uv Cincinnati give him for defendin a fugitive from Kentucky,
our people cheered him vociferous. Tall, strong, and muscularlookin,
in good flesh, deep-chested, broad-shouldered, strongbackt,
he wuz ez perfect a specimen ez I ever beheld, and all
felt confident that he wood hev no trouble in beatin his opponent
out uv site.
At this pint Vallandygum, Peerse, Vorhees, Morrissey, and
Wood, who hed charge uv our arrangements, took him in hand.
“We must prepare our man,” sed they.
“Take orf this Ablishn coat,” sed Voorhees.
“And this imparshel suffrage vest,” sed Morrissey; “the
nigger hezn't the moral qualificashens for the ballot.”
“And this free soil shirt,” sed Wood.
“And that anti-fugitive slave law wig,” sed Voorhees.
“And them ekal justice shoulder-braces,” sed Peerse.
“And them humanitarian pants,” shreeked Wood.
“We can't abide none uv these things,” yelled the crowd.
“Peel! All uv these yoo got from the Ablishnists, free-soilers,
and Republicans. We'll none uv em.”
The silver pitcher he carried in his hand they trampled into
the mud, and one by one the obnoxious garments wuz pulled
off from him. Heavens! wat a change! Ez they wuz removed
he shrunk. When the coat wuz taken off he wuzn't so broad
and massive; when the vest wuz gone he wuz positively flatchested;
when the shoulder-braces wuz removed he became
hump-backed; and when the pants wuz snaked off he stood
afore us the merest skeleton I ever beheld — a weak, shaky,
wheezin skeleton. Our folks looked disappointed, but it wuz
too late to change. A loose two-sided wrapper wuz thrown
over him, Gov. English climbed onto his shoulders, Vallandygum
jumped into one pocket and Fernandy Wood into the
other, the brass band tooted, the crowd yelled, he made one
convulsiv start, but in vain. The stiffnin wuz all out uv him.
His poor, weak knees gave way, his back doubled up, and he
came to the ground, every bone in him rattlin ez he fell, while
Grant made the race serenely.
“My God,” sed Morrissey, lookin at the poor wreck, “what
he got from the Ablishnists wuz all ther wuz uv him, after all!”
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At this pint I awoke, and wuz saddened. There's where our
trouble lies. We hev to strip these fellows, when they come
to us, uv all that gives em any strength. Chase, without his
Ablishnism, can't get a Ablishen vote, and the Democracy will
vote for their own men in preference. Names ain't worth a
d—n any more, and men without principles ain't uv the slightest
account. And that's what's the matter with Democracy.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n85* After the failure to impeach President Johnson, the Democracy turned their
eyes towards Chief Justice Chase as the most available man to lead them. It
was a most curious thing to see Chase and Voorhees in communion sweet.
CLXV. THE CHICAGO CONVENTION. — MR. NASBY GETS ON A HEAVY DISGUST.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 24, 1868.
I wuz at Chicago one day. My ears wuz stunned with 'rors
for Grant; the bands wuz all playin the Star Spangled Banner
and sich, and even the street organ grinders hed attooned their
lyres to the same Ablishun melodies.
On my arrival I askt a vishus boy (wich I knowd wuz Dimekratic,
from the fact that his little shirt wood hev hung out uv
his little pants ef he'd hed any shirt), ef he cood show me
where the Ablishun Convenshun wuz a holdin itself.
“Certinly I kin,” sed he. “It's in that yer bildin,” pintin
to a ruther gorgus edifice with a steeple to it.
I entered it, and wuz surprised at the fewness uv the delegates
on the floor, and at ther pecoolyer appearance. They
didn't look like delegates to any Convenshun I hed ever attended.
Ther noses wuzn't uv the color I hed ben accustomed
to. They wuz all solemn lookin chaps, with gold spectacles,
black coats, high foreheds, and white neckerchers.
At this pint I turned to a man sittin beside me, and in an
undertone askt wich wuz ahed on the last ballot, Colfax or
Wade?
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“Sir,” sed he, “are yoo a Johnson postmaster?”
“I am,” sed I, defiantly. “How didst determine that pint?”
“By yoor breath,” sed he. “Yoor mistaken in the place,
my friend. This is a Methodist Conference.”
That wicked and perverse boy hed intenshnelly deceeved me.
Unable to obtane admission into the Opera House, I whiled
away the rosy hours a visitin the delegashen rooms. The Ingeany
delegashen offered me water when I intimated I wuz
athirst. The Ohio delegashen knew me on site and rekested
me to dust, and the Californy delegashen, uv wich I expected
better things, hed the impudence to offer me wine! Wine!
Wine! to feed sich a nose ez I carry about. Wine to satisfy
the cravins uv sich a stumick ez mine! Faugh! Disgusted
at the thinness uv the beverages, I retired into a friendly hostelry
kept by Dennis O'Shaughnessey, and at his hospitable
bar, solaced myself with three fingers uv Kentucky sustenance.
There wuz no enthoosiasm among the citizens uv Chicago
wich I naterally fell among. The s'loon keepers, wich in remembrance
uv the Demokratic Convenshun uv 1864 had made
extra preparashuns, wuz gloomy, sad, and disappointed. These
places, garnisht for the occasion, wuz sad and lonely. There
wuz an entire absence uv that gentle gurgle wich to me is so
pleasin; there wuz none uv the generous noses and faces
lighted up with the radiance born uv the barl, wich I am so
accustomed to.
It's the last Republican convenshen I shel ever attend. The
idea uv a confrence sittin in the same city with a convenshen!
The idea uv minglin politics with religion! Will there be
confrences in Noo York in Jooly?
On my return, we wuz a settin in Bascom's a discussin
the nominashens. Deekin Pogram wuz indignant. “Good
Heavens!” said he, with horror in his sainted face, “kin it be
that men perfessin nashnel views wood offer sich a insult to
Kentucky ez to nominate sich a man ez Grant, who, sword in
hand, devastated her fertile fields, and piled the bodies of her
nootral sons who resisted his advance mountains high? Kin
it be that —”
“Easy, Deekin,” replied I; “stiddy! stiddy! Don't take a
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[figure description] Page 535.[end figure description]
posishen rashly. It ain't improbable that we may hev to nominate
Hancock, or some other soljer. In that event — but I've
sed enuff.”
“Well, at all evence,” sed the Deekin, “it's a most hoomiliatin
thing to hev thrown in our faces a infamous proposishen to
pay a debt inkurred in a infamous attempt to subjoogate us —
to pledge our labor to pay a debt unconstitooshnally inkurred,
and un —”
“Deekin,” sed I, “yoor zeel I do admire, but yoor reely
indiscreet. It may be found necessary in order to carry Noo
York to nominate Belmont's man, who will be pledged to this
very thing. Go a little slow.”
“Well, however that may be, it's a burnin shame to throw
into Kentucky's face a Abolishnist — two uv em in fact —
and —”
“Deekin” (I spoke this time severely), “yoor very indiscreet
to-day. It's possible, and I may say probable, that that noble
patriot, Cheef Justice Chase, who hez bin a friteful Ablishnist,
and who, ef he runs, will, for obvius reasons, make us swaller
at the beginnin a porshen uv his heresies, may be our candidate.
Say nothin, Deekin, that yoo'l hev to take back.”
Feelin that rite here wuz a splendid chance for an improvin
discourse on the nacher, objicks, and aims uv Democracy, I
opened out onto em.
“Dimocrisy,” I remarkt, “is distinguished cheefly for its
elasticity in adaptin means to ends. One wood suppose that
Postoffis is its cheef end. In one sense it is. Dimocrisy is
willin to sacrifice anything wich it hez for Postoffis. It mite
raise Deekin Pogram's ire to sejest the nominashen uv Hancock,
on akkount uv his slawterins, or Belmont's candidate on
akkount uv his insistin on payin off the Nashnel debt, or Chase,
who hez bin in his day suspected uv bein tainted with Ablishinism.
But, my brethring, let it be remembered that success is
the main objick. Success is wat Bascom wants, that I, bein
continyood in offis, may hev the means to pay for the likker I
consoom, and to avoid the necessity uv bein continyooally
rekested to chalk it down, which practis he esteems disgustin,
and one wich greatly increases his labors. Captain McPelter
wants success, that he may continyoo to hev Assessors,
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Collectors and Revenoo offisers with wich he kin divide the profits
uv the $2.00 tax on the whisky he makes, and Deekin Pogram
wants success that he may hev his niggers agin, or at least
that he may hev the privilege uv hirin em for $4 per month,
deductin 25 cents per day for each day's absense, without no
Burow offiser or other military satrap hangin about to molest
or make afraid. Success is the main pint, and ef Hancock is
the way, walk ye in it; ef Chase or Seymour is the way, walk
ye ditto, for with either uv these men all these things we'll
hev. When they come to us they leeve ther former selves
behind.
But methinks I hear one say, Hancock is a soljer, Seymour
a anti-repudiator, and Chase a Ablishnist! Wat uv that?
They may be wat they like when they go into offis, — assosiashen
with us fetches em sooner or later. The road down is a
easy one to travel. It's easier to slide than to climb, wich is
the reason why so many more are damned than saved. Democracy,
like Bascom's new likker, holds a man when it gits
him. Johnson wuz a good enuff Ablishnist till he called onto
us for help, and then he wuz lost. Let Chase stay with us a
week and he'd forgit all his old ideas, yoo bet. Shood yoo
poke that silver pitcher at him the niggers give him at Cincinnati,
for defendin a fugitive, and he'd swear like Peter he never
saw it — only differin from Peter in that he'd stick to it. And
there is no goin back, for the principal ones. Ther remorse
kind o' drives em deeper and deeper, till they finally are worse
than ez tho they originally wuz uv us. Let us, my brethren,
never reject any help we kin git. Let it come in any shape
and from any source, it'll finally assimilate to us and be uv us.
Ez I conclooded my remarks, my circle all agreed that it wuz
safe to take whatever we cood git from the enemy, and we
retired, I feelin that whatever other localities mite do, the
Corners wuz safe. Wat an outrage it is, though, that the Ablishnists
nominated sich a man for Vice-President ez to make
Grant perfectly safe from bein removed ez Linkin wuz. Ef
he's elected he'll serve out his time sure.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 537 -- p635-586
CLXVI. THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 1, 1868.
[figure description] Page 537.[end figure description]
The matter uv a Presidenshl candidate hez opprest me, and
hez also exercised the gigantic intellex who congregate at the
Corners. We hev desided that Cheef Justis Chase won't do.
We kin support him cheerfully, for his method uv conduktin
the impeachment trial hez satisfied us uv his hankerin for a
standin in our party. Besides this, havin made a start, we consider
him safe anyhow. The man wich kin take a nominashen
at our hands, or identify hisself with us, may alluz be countid
onto. The Ablishnists never forgive sich, and ther ain't no
other place to go. When Johnson and Doolittle and that
crowd left the Ablishnists, I knew where they would land
better than they did. Facilis descensus averni, wich bein
translated into the vulgar tongue, means, the road to hell is
macadamized. Hancock won't do, becoz our Southern brethren
hev a prejoodis agin the flag he drawd his sword under.
Pendleton wood anser the West, but the East is opposed to
him. I therefore, after givin the matter matoor considerashen,
hev desided to propose for the posishen the name uv Jethro
L. Kippins, uv Alexander county, Illinoy.
I hev the follerin reasons for insistin on his nominashen: —
1. He's geographically level. By lookin on the map, it will
be seen that that county in Illinoy is the extreme south-westerly
part uv the State. It is a Northern county with Southern
ideas. Across the river is Kentucky, west is south-eastern
Missoury, and east is lower Injeany. They grow tobacco
there, and yearn after slave labor ez intensly ez we do across
the river.
2. Nobody knows him. The name uv Jethro L. Kippins,
hez never filled the soundin trump uv fame. With him on our
tikkit several pints wood be gained. On all the questions on
-- 538 --
[figure description] Page 538.[end figure description]
wich there is a doubt in the minds uv the Democracy, Jethro
L. Kippens is uncommitted. He is unembarrassed with views,
and on troublesome questions hez nary an opinyun. The
trouble Pendleton hez with the greenbax wood not affect him,
neither wood any uv them other questions wich are ruther
embarrassin than otherwise. He hez but one political principle,
wich he holds is enuff for any one man, and that is Democracy,
ez it hez bin, ez it is, and ez it may be. He beleeves
firmly in the cuss uv Canaan, he holds close to Onesimus and
Hagar, and hez sworn a solemn oath that no nigger shel ever
marry a daughter uv hizzen. This noble sentiment, wich alluz
strikes a responsive cord in every buzzum, wood be emblazoned
on the Kippins banner.
3. Jethro L. Kippinses posishen on the war question is happy.
He opposed all the steps wich led to it, and when it finally
broke out, he proposed the only troo Demokratic way uv stoppin
it. It wuz his opinyun that we hed no rite to coerce the South—
that there wuz no warrant in the Constitooshen for any sich
perceedin. “Ef Boregard fires onto Major Anderson,” sed he,
“let Major Anderson go afore the nearest Justice uv the Peece
and hev him bound over to keep the peece, and ef the Justis
can't enforce his warrant, why that ends it. We can't go
beyond the Constitooshn.” After hostilities actooally begun,
his posishen wuz eminently satisfactory to both sides. He wuz
in favor uv the war, but opposed to its prosecooshen. He remarkt
that the South hed committed a indiscreshen, but were
he in Congris he shoodn't vote for nary man nor dollar for
carryin on a war agin em. His two sons served in the war,
one in the Confedrit servis and one in the Fedral — both ez
sutlers. The war bore heavy on him — he made great sacrifices.
Three other sons he supported in Canada doorin the
continyooance uv the unnachrel strife.
4. Jethro L. Kippins hez all the elements uv popularity. He
wuz born in a log cabin; he studied Daboll's Arithmetic by the
lite uv a pine knot, held for the purpose by his mother; he
drove hoss on the canal, wuz a salt boiler in Southern Ohio, a
wagon boy on the Nashnel Road, wuz left an orphan when six
weeks old, swept a store in his early yooth, went down the
-- 539 --
[figure description] Page 539.[end figure description]
Mississippi on a flat boat, wuz in the Mexikin war, and hez a
consoomin pashen for horses. He hez, in this, the advantage
of Grant, ez his pashen wuz so consoomin that it got him into
a temporary difficulty, wich required 12 men, a Judge, and
two lawyers to settle, one uv the lawyers bein the State's
Attorney uv the county. These facts in his biography I got
from his own lips. Ef there's any discrepancies, uv course
the committee on biography will reconcile em. It may be that
he may hev done too much — wich is to say, ef all he sez is
troo, he wood be two or three hundred years old. Ef so, it
will hev to be pared down. He hez bin justis uv the peece
ten years in his native township, wich gives him a splendid
knowledge uv constooshnel law.
5. He's trooly nashnel in his views. He knows no North,
no South, no East, no West, no nothin. That last qualificashen
mite prejudis some agin him, but to me its his chief holt. For
with sich a man in the Presidenshel chair I wood be safe. We
hev an abundance uv sich men ez Wood, Seymour, Vallandygum,
et settry, who kin manage a President, but who are
too odorous to be electid very much to that posishen themselves.
Therefore, it's necessary that precisely sich a man ez
I hev described be electid; and the fact that Chase knows too
much, is the objection I hev to him. Polk wuz manageable,
Pierce eminently so, and poor old Bookannon was wonderfully
pliable.
Sich is the candidate wich I present. There are many pints
in his favor. Our people wood to-wunst exclaim, “Who'n
thunder is Kippins?” and before they cood find out, the day
uv election wood be on em, and they'd vote him. His hevin
no record is also in his favor. Wat wood Pendleton, Vallandygum,
Seymour, and Wood give ef they hed no record? A
record is like a tin kittle to a dog's tale — it's a noisy appendage,
wich makes the dog conspicuous, and invites everybody
to shy a brick at him.
I hevent menshund in this, nor shel I, who would be a
proper man for the seckund place on the ticket. I hev my
opinion. Kentucky is deservin uv recognishun — that's all I
shel say. The modesty wich is characteristic uv me prevents
-- 540 -- p635-589
[figure description] Page 540.[end figure description]
me from segestin the partickeler citizen uv Kentucky who
ought to be thus honored. We shal see whether or not republics
is ongrateful.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
P. S. The fact that Jethro L. Kippins holds my note for
$18.63, with interest for two yeers, hez no inflooence in my
segestin his name. I am inflooenced by no mercenary considerashuns.
CLXVII. MR. NASBY A DELEGATE TO NEW YORK.
New York (at a cheep boardin }
house), July the 4, 1868.
Ef I hed knowd just wat I hed to go thro with, I never
wood figgered for the posishen I now okkepy. Hed I knowd
the troubles wich was to beset me, the Corners mite hev gone
onrepresented, and the Democrisy mite hev nominatid a candikate
without my help. I am at a cheep boardin house, wich is
salubrusly sitooated on an alley, the landlady bein one uv the
anshent Kings uv Ireland, wich her name is O'Shaughnessy.
I coodent get rooms at the Aster, nor the St. Nicholas, ez I
coodent git a clerk to look at me. And that insult mite be
added to injoory, the unfeelin woman who presides over the
manshen I inhabit, peremptorily refoozed to reseeve me ontil I
paid in advance. I tried sevral places, but ez I hedn't no
baggage, the pervailin opinyun seemed to be that advance
payment wood be better, and I wuz forst to return to her.
My advenchers on the route were noomerous, if not
pleasant.
At some pint in Ingiany, wher we changed cars, I found the
trane we hed to take full uv delegates. In lookin around for a
seet, I diskivered but one that hadn't two in it, and that one
hed in it a disgustin nigger, who hed the impoodence to be
-- 541 --
[figure description] Page 541.[end figure description]
well drest, and hed a carpet sack beside him. My Demokratic
blood riz to-wunst. Feelin that in a car filled with Demokratic
delegates, anything I shood do to a nigger wood be safe, I
stawkt proudly up to him, holdin my nose.
“Good Lord!” sed I, “wat a smell.”
“Good Lord!” ekoed the delegates wich got on at that
stashen, “wat a terrible smell.”
“My gentle Afrikin frend,” sed I, seezin him by the collar,
“I regret the necessity uv sayin disagreeable things, but yoor
impudence in gittin into a car uv white gentlemen, with the
disgustin odor inseparable from the Afrikin race, is too much.
And more especially do I wonder at yoor keepin yoor seet,
while I and other white gentlemen are standin.”
“Out with the nigger!” yelled the lately arrived delegates;
“hustle the stinkin cuss.”
“Merciful Hevens, wat a smell!” sung out others uv em.
“Hist him!” “Hist him!”
Seein myself thus backed, and feelin that a little zeal wood
be safe, ez niggers can't vote, I knockt his hat out uv the
winder, and follered up that demonstrashen with a serious
attempt at liftin him out uv the seat. I wood hev succeeded,
but the nigger resisted vigorously, to-wit: he knockt three uv
my front teeth down my throte, pulled out wat little there wuz
left uv the hare that hangs in scanty festoons about my venrable
temples, and blackt both my eyes. I wuz lyin on my back in
the passage, somewat astonished, the nigger a standin over
me, with his boot heel over my face, when some gentlemen
came in from another car and restrained him. “Mr. Williams,”
sed they, “let him up. He's poor white trash, and not worth
wastin yoor indignashen onto. Let him up, Mr. Williams, let
him up.”
“Sirs,” sed I, risin to my feet, tremulous with rage, “is this
the treatment I am to expect all the way to Noo York? Am I
to be pounded to jelly by a nigger, — a stinkin nigger, sirs,
whose odor even now makes the car ontenable to gentlemen
uv refined sensibilities, — and to heer the nigger addresst ez
“Mister” after that, instid uv bein tored to pieces by the
infuriated spectators! O shame, where is thy blush?”
“You mizable cuss,” sed one uv these gentlemen, “
-- 542 --
[figure description] Page 542.[end figure description]
apologise to-wunst to this gentleman for yoor insultin roodnis, or
we'll chuck yoo out uv the cars. Apologize, sir, to Mr. Josef
Williams, Delegate at Large for the State uv Tennessee!”
I almost fainted. This nigger, then, wuz a delegate! He
wuz a regler delegate, armed and equipped with regler credenshels
to a Demokratic Convenshen, and I hed been guilty,
in my zeel, uv assaultin uv him! Gladly I apologyzed, and
further, I humbly begged permission to sit beside him; wich
he accordid with a graciousnis I never saw ekalled.
It wuz astonishin the change that crept over the Injeany
delegates. They crowded around us, and shook him by the
hand; they didn't smell any odor at all any more; on the
contrary, they seemed to like him. They addrest him ez
“Mister,” and sevral uv em, introdoocin him to ther friends
who got on at various stashens, yoosed the prefix “Honorable.”
It's wonderful wat a difference it makes with a nigger to have
a vote, and also how he votes! Hed that Williams bin infected
with Ablishinnism, I make no doubt that the stench wich I
reely fancied I smelt when I fust undertook to subjoogate him,
wood hev continyood to the end uv the trip. In olden times it
wuz observed that slave niggers didn't smell — it wuz only the
free ones. It is a settled fact now that Demokratic niggers are
inodorous! I mite hev known, however, that the nigger wuz
a free nigger, by the way he pitched into me. No nigger in a
state uv servitood wood ever hev did sich a thing. That much
they owe to the war, anyhow.
My principal object in goin to Noo York wuz to do wat I
cood toward secoorin the nominashen of Jethro L. Kippins. I
found the delegates badly tore up. The offers made for votes
wuz so rediculously low that there wuz much disgust manifested.
The trouble wuz, that the markit wuz over-stockt.
Hed the Convenshen bin pretty ekally divided, and the balance
uv power held by a few clost mouthed souls, they cood hev
made a good thing of it. But where a whole Convenshen is
in the markit, and all their inflooenshel friends, no candidate can
afford to buy. I withdrew Mr. Kippens to-wunst, for he hez
but a small farm, and that mortgaged to a grocery keeper.
I wuz on the Committee on Resolooshens, or ruther wuz in
the room ez a sort uv advisory committee while the
-- 543 --
[figure description] Page 543.[end figure description]
resolooshens wuz bein draftid. General Forrest, uv Tennessee, wuz
partiklerly anxshus that a resolooshen shood be adoptid denouncin
the Radicals, who wuz, with unholy hands, a strivin
to destroy the best government the sun ever shone upon, and
one the destruction uv wich wood be a calamity wich unborn
millions wood shed teers over. He desired a resolooshen
pledgin the Dimocrisy to stand by the old Stars and Stripes,
wich flag hed braved a thousand breezes, and wuz synonomous,
et settry. Mr. Wooley, Mr. Cobb (Mrs. Cobb's husband), and
Perry Fuller, pertikelerly desired a resolooshen demandin the
turnin out uv office uv corrupt men, that the government mite
be administered with suthin like the purity wich distinguished
it doorin the administration uv the late lamented Bookannon, at
the menshen uv whose name every delegate present held a
hankercher to his eyes for five consecutive minits, ez tho a
grate greef hed fallen onto him.
Cheef Justis Chase wuz espeshelly anxyus for a resoloshun
denounsin in the severest terms them onprincipled, fanatikal
Radikels, who for years hed bin laborin to subvert the government,
by interferin with the persuns and property uv citizens,
and also pledgin the Convenshen to that wise conservatism
without wich ther cood be no permanance in our government.
I dropt into the Soljers' and Sailers' Convenshun, but I didn't
stay long. Them whose noses wuzn't red, wanted to be either
President or cabinet orfisers; and uv the balance uv em,
the leastest sed the better. My sole indignated ez I saw
seated among em the very sutler who refoosed me credit when
I wuz servin ez a drafted man in 1862; and also a claim agent,
who got $10 uv me, on the promis uv getin my bounty; which,
when he got it he absorbed in fees, costs, and commissions.
Ther wuz, uv coorse, some troo men. Ther wuz soljers ther
wich resigned early in the war on akkount uv its bein a d—d
Ablishin war, and others who left becoz Linkin wuzn't rapid
enuff in makin uv Major Generals. Ther wuz no limit to ther
speekin. Every wun hed the speech wich he delivered at the
Cleveland Convenshun in 1866 carefully preserved, and they
all insisted on deliverin em, wich ez I left they were doin, all
to themselves. Ef they kin stan it I am willin. We are agoin
to hev a Soljers' Convenshen in Richmond to ratify the nom
-- 544 -- p635-593
[figure description] Page 544.[end figure description]
inashens, wich will amount to suthin. We shel hev Forrest
there, Boregard, and Breckenridge, and their speeches will
count. We will hev the flags uv the two governments entwined,
and we will hev the moosic uv both seckshens played.
Sich a Convenshen will amount to suthin.
Wat the platform will be, or who the candidates will be, the
Lord only knows. I am prepared for anythin, and so are all
the delegates. Ef it's Pendleton, on a repoodiashen platform,
well and good; ef its Seymour, on a Nashenel Bank platform,
jest as good. I shood be happy to see Breckinridge the choice
uv the party, and delighted ef Hancock shood be chosen. I
kin hurrah for Chase, and with ekal vigger kin swing my hat
for Vallandygum, and I find all the delegates similerly affected.
The Post Office is the lean kine wich swallers up all the others.
We are willin to sink everythin in Post Office. That my sincerity
may not be doubted, let it be remembered that I have
rid with a nigger from Ingeany to Noo York; hev bin whaled
by one, and hev felt good over it; hev bin hurrahin for an old
line Abolishnist, and swearin the while I liked it. Ef any other
evidence uv flexibility is needed, I feel ekal to the task. Politically,
I am ekal to all emergencies.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXVIII. A FUTILE ATTEMPT TO RATIFY THE NOMINATIONS AT THE CORNERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
July 31, 1868.
*We hed last nite a ratification meeting at the Corners, wich
started out gloriously, but didn't end so happily ez it mite. I
-- 545 --
[figure description] Page 545.[end figure description]
hed gone to a good deal uv trouble about it, and hed made all
arrangement for a feast uv reason and flow uv sole, ekalled by
few ratifications and surpassed by none.
The blessed Deacon, McPelter, and Issaker Gavitt, who expect
respectively to hold the posishens uv Assessor, Collector,
and Whiskey Inspector for this district, come down handsomely
with the funds, enuff to enable me to dekorate the post offis
with flags and transparencies, and myself with a pare uv ready
made pants, wich I muddied considerable to make em look old,
so that they shood not suspect ther funds hed bin applied in
that way. Human nacher is a inscrutable mystery. They
wood objeck did they know I hed clothed myself with ther
money instead uv wastin it on taller candles and sich, wich
burn out and leave nothin behind.
I wuz economikle in my expenditoors, or rather little expense
was nessary. Desirin to wake the enthoosiasm uv the Democrisy,
I procoored a parsel uv Confedrit battle flags, wich the
returned heroes hed brot home with em, and hed the talismanic
words, “Seymour and Blare,” painted across em. The effeck
wuz gorgus! Ez nite approacht I hed the transparencies,
saved over from a celebrashen wich hed bin held after Chickamauga,
lighted up. The enthoosiasm, ez the populace saw
these, and listened to Captin McPelter, ez he red em to em,
wuz overpowerin. How they cheered ez the words flasht out
into the nite, “Southern Rites, Southern Men, and a Southern
Government!” “Death to Northern Hirelins!” “Down with
the gorilla Linkin!” “Jeff Davis and the Confedracy forever!”
“No quarter to Fedral invaders!” And when Boregard's
black flag, onto wich “Seymour and Blair” wuz painted
in red letters, wuz unfurled, ther arose sich cheers for the
nominees uv the Noo York Convenshun ez I hed never heerd
before, nor expect to again.
At this time, jist ez everythin wuz a gitin red hot, the trouble
commenced. Pennibacker, wich runs our biggest and best
distillery, jumped onto the platform, at my suggestion, and proposed
three cheers for Seymour and Greenbacks, and three
groans for the bloated bondholders. The crowd, with troo
Dimokratic docility, wuz agoin to cheer, when Bascom, who
hez some 5.20's, riz, and swore that he'd be d—d ef that shood
-- 546 --
[figure description] Page 546.[end figure description]
be. “Governor Seymour is in favor of payin the Nashnel
indebtedness, principal and interest, in gold. Reed his speech
at the Cooper Institoot.”
“Is he? Is he?” shoutid Pennibacker, springing onto the
platform, “Is he? Reed the platform wich he accepts!”
“Don't Belmont, and the eastern bankers, support him?”
yelled Bascom.
“Don't Vallandygum, Pendleton, and dirty shirt Dean support
him?” yelled Pennibacker.
“Yoor doctrin,” sed Bascom, excitedly, “is a d—d swindle—
a peace uv theevin, wich a Arab wood be ashamed uv, and
Seymour sed so.”
“Yoor proposishen is a outrage onto opprest people, a
grindin uv em into the earth under the heels uv bloated aristocrats
and pampered sons uv luxury, and the platform Seymour
stands onto says so,” shouted Pennibacker.
“Yoor a swindler!” excitedly yelled Bascom; whereupon
they clinched and rolled orf the platform titely huggin, and
making extraordinary physikle efforts at injoorin each other.
To direct the attenshun uv the populis from this untoward
circumstance, I rekested Issaker to sing out three cheers for
Blare!
“Three cheers for Blare!” sung out Issaker, “the Missouri
statesman, who will rid us uv Freedman's Burows and military
rool.”
“Three cheers for Blare!” yelled Punt, — “a Ablishnist
and Linkin hirelin, wich shot my unkle in Missoury, and burnt
my grandmother's house near Vixburg!”
“He ain't no Ablishnist!” exclaimed Issaker; “reed his
letters.”
“It's difficult to say wat he is to-day, but I'll swear to it he
wuz three years ago; but it makes no difference. I swore four
year ago to lick any man who hurrahed for any member uv the
Blare family.”
And this infooriated wretch pounced onto Issaker, and they
rolled off the stand to join Bascom and Pennibacker, who
hadn't settled their onpleasantnis yet.
Before it ended Deekin Pogram and Kernel McPelter got to
arguin ez to the propriety uv recognizin niggers in the ranks
-- 547 --
[figure description] Page 547.[end figure description]
uv the party, the Deekin takin one side and McPelter the other.
The passions uv these estimable gentlemen wuz rouzed somewat,
and before I cood interfere they hed each other by the
throte, and rolled orf onto the ground beneath the platform. I
sprang down to separate em, when McPelter turned upon me,
and wood hev sacrificed me on the spot, but the Corners rusht,
ez a man, to save me. Ez I owe the most uv em, I am entirely
safe here, and ez I shel be ontil I pay my debts, I shel never
die uv violence.
At this pint the fite became general. Some uv the people
sided with Bascom, some uv em with Pennibacker (akkordin
ez they bought whisky by the barl or by the drink), and the
balance uv em assisted Bigler and Issaker Gavitt, ez ther inclinashun
promptid em. In the melee the platform, flag, and
transparencies wuz tore down, nearly breakin my leg, for wich
I wuz insuffishently remuneratid by the handkerchers I borrered
from the prostrate combatants, under cover of assistin uv em
to rise.
After the scrimmage wuz over, Pollock and Bigler came,
with three niggers, into Bascom's, where we wuz repairin damages,
wich remarkt that they hed held a meetin, and hed passed
resolooshens thankin the Lord devoutedly for havin releeved
the Republikin party uv the Blare family, and sympathizin with
the Democrisy wich hed reseeved em; and also acknowledging
the obligashen the colored men uv the nashen were under to
the Democrisy for the handsome manner in wich they hed
treated Joe Williams, the Afrikin delegate to the Noo York
Convenshen, ez the selectin uv a nigger ez a delegate, and
assosiatin with him on terms uv ekality, wuz a step in the
direction uv yooniversal Brotherhood, wich wuz cheerin. This
insultin message, delivered to men wich wuz a patchin up ther
faces and washin orf the blood uv a politikle conflict, wuz the
reverse uv soothin.
The ratificashun wuzn't altogether a success, but we shel
try it agin after time hez softened the asperities engendered
by the recent conflict, and the candidates hev hed time to fit
theirselves and ther records to the platform. The Corners kin
be counted on.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n86* Probably there never was a more unsatisfactory ticket, or a more contradictory
one, than that nominated by the Democracy in 1868, and the platform was
quite as absurd and contradictory as the ticket.
-- 548 -- p635-597
CLXIX. THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
November 5, 1868.
[figure description] Page 548.[end figure description]
Bad news travels fast. We hev heerd from enuff uv the
States to know that the butcher Grant — he wich wunst afore
stood in the way uv the Confedracy — hez been elected President,
and that Seymore and Blare, our gellorious standard-bearers,
hev bin defeeted ignominously.
This ends it! This finishes it! There iz no longer hope
for Democrisy. Our star is sot in gloom. Never shel I forgit
the gastly appearance uv Deekin Pogram's face ez the fatal
nooze wuz told him. A single tear rolled from his left eye,
down his furrowed cheek; it glittered for a brief moment on
the tip uv his brillyent nose, and plunged off into space!
How like our hopes! Never a word sed he, but sadly beckoned
me to foller. Sadly he walked to the square, mournfully he
pulled down the Confedrit flag which hez waved from the pole
in front of Bascom's, tenderly he folded it, and placed it under
the barl uv whisky in the bar. “Thar let it rest,” gasped he
in a husky tone; “it will never kiss the breezes no more.”
And overcome with emoshun, the good old man busted in a
flood uv tears, wich saved his life. The drain uv moisture
from his system made it necessary for him to take suthin to
fill its plase, and that suthin wuz strengthnin. To save him I
took suthin strengthnin too.
I won't say a word ez to the causes uv this most terrible
defeat. Seymore wood make speeches, wich hez alluz bin fatle
to Presidenshul aspirants, and Blare wood rite terrible letters,
wich is just ez bad. Besides, Blare fairly represents us, wich
druv off all the decent people, and Seymore ruther prides hisself
on bein a gentleman, wich chilled the ardor of our party.
The nominashuns were unforchnit, but I don't reproach em.
It's fate.
I hev reason to sigh. For Pollock will git the Post Offis
after all. Tho hiz hands are contaminated by bein taken into
-- 549 --
[figure description] Page 549.[end figure description]
the hands uv niggers, — his hands wich handles kaliker and
draws molasses, and iz consekently degraded by earnin his own
livin, — his hands will pass out to Deekin Pogram the paper
wich the Corners takes! The Deekin, ez he thot uv this, bust
into teers agin. “I shel stop that paper,” sez he, “and the
Corners shel go back into the darkness uv ignerance. I shell
never go agin for a letter, nor will I hev one written for me
to any body. When a Ablishn face is at the general delivery
I shel stop paternizen the Post Offis!”
Will the new Administrashun deprive a whole community
uv a paper merely to give one uv its supporters a posishun?
We shel see.
But I cood endoor the loss uv my posishen; for principle
I kin look marterdom squarely in the face; but I see other
and more terrible results followin this catastrophe.
Wat uv the niggers? Wat uv us. We shel hev niggers
votin at the Corners! We shel hev, at our poles, all uv the
black cusses who live between here and Garretstown, a votin
ez regler ez though they wuz white men. We shel hev em
defilin the sakred ballot-box ez tho they wuz not uv a cussid
race. I see dark lines afore our poor State. They will hereafter
hold the land wich they hev bought, and wich they live
on, by a sure tenure, and they will increase and multiply.
Pollock will buy ther prodoos, and they will work and git
money. This money they will lend to us, — for we must hev it
to sustain life, — and they will take mortgages onto our land.
(When I say our, I mean Deekin Pogram and sich.) Ez we
never work ourselves, and will not hev, under the present
arrangement, the means of compellin the labor necessary to
our support, we kin never pay; and the result will be, this
beautiful land uv ourn wich we so deeply love, will pass out
uv the hands uv the stronger and better race into the control
uv a weaker and less powerful people. The Deekin was remarkin
suthin to this effect, when Joe Bigler remarkt in reply,
that the Deekin hed better throw himself onto the sympathy
uv his sons.
“Why, they can't work any more than I kin,” sed the
Deekin.
“I don't mean yoor white sons!” sed this terrible Bigler.
-- 550 --
[figure description] Page 550.[end figure description]
“They ain't uv no akkount. But in the nigger settlement at
Garrettstown yoo hev more than twenty who wood —”
The poor Deekin rushed out uv the room, while Bigler laft
his most feendish laff.
The people will be deprived uv their innocent amoosements.
This Grant will send on armed hirelins, clothed in ojus bloo,
with muskets and sich, who will prevent our shootin niggers,
and who will protect on ther farms and in ther houses the ojus
Northerners who hev settled in our midst. We shel see the
glorious Southern system decline stidily and shoorly. The
whipping posts will rot and the stox will decay; the yelp uv
dorgs will no more be heard, and the cheerful crack uv the
pistol and the shreek uv the man wat has got his gruel will no
more be heerd in the land. Bascom, after he hez the few
farms still unmortgaged in the visinity, will close, and go to
Looisville and embark into the wholesale grosery trade and jine
the church, and give librerly to Sunday skools; his grosery
will fall into dekay, and the sine will hang by one hinge. We
shell see churches and skool houses, factrys and villages everywhere.
The Pogram place uv 2,000 akers will be divided up
into twenty farms, and onto them will be the bustlin Noo
Yorker, the cool, calculating Yankee, the stiddy, hard-workin
German, who will display his grovelin nacher by working
himself instid uv forcin niggers to do it for him. We shel be
run over with skool-marms, deluged with acadamies, plastered
over with noosepapers, stunned with machinery, drove crazy
by the whirr, crash, and clash of mowin machines and reapers.
And there will be cheese made at the Corners. Pennibacker's
distillery will be turned into a cheese factry, and weak whey
will run wher now the generous high wines flash along the
troughs. Ther will be no rectifyin at the Corners; the hog
pens will be abolished, and in ther sted will be skool houses.
And methinks I see in my mind's eye, Horasho, the speerit, the
ghost uv the departed Pogram (for he won't survive it long),
a hoverin over the scene, ez Hamlick's father did. The blessed
shade will look in vain for his house — on the spot wher it
stood will be an academy. He will turn to Bascom's, but ther
he will find a deestrict skule.
“To Pennibacker's!” he will gasp, in a speerit whisper, and
-- 551 -- p635-600
[figure description] Page 551.[end figure description]
with a speritooal smack uv his speritooal lips he will hover
over it, but the smell uv cheese in the place uv the strengthenin
odors in wich he delites, will send a speritooal shudder thro
him. A ghost uv a tear will run down his speritooal nose,
linger for a minit at the tip, like a dew drop on the rose, and
fall!
Then will the dissatisfied ghost demand to be taken back to
purgatory, a place less tyrin to his nerves.
All is up with me and us. I shel stay in Kentucky for the
present, tho wat may become uv me the Lord only knows.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXX. MR. NASBY GOES TO NEW YORK AND ESTABLISHES HIMSELF IN BUSINESS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
December 31, 1868.
The undersigned hez made a great leap. He located in
Noo York in pursooance uv an ijee wich he hez cherished long.
His career in Noo York wuz brilliant ef it was short. It lastid
twenty-four consecutive hours, that being the average length
uv time a honist man kin exist in that city. One of the classic
poits speeks uv the awkardnis uv bein in hell without claws;
hed he substitooted Noo York for hell he wood hev hit it
closer.
The citizens uv the Corners held a consultation ez to wat
wuz to be done with me when A. Johnson shood shuffle orf
the mortal coil uv offishal life. I broacht to em my ijee uv
goin to Noo York, to wich they acceeded with an alacrity wich
wuz not so complementary ez it mite hev bin. I thot I detectid
in ther eagernis to pervide for me, at a distance, more
uv a desire to get rid uv me than a solissitood for my
-- 552 -- p635-601
[figure description] Page 552.[end figure description]
wellbein. Indeed, when Deekin Pogram askt “Wher shel we fix
him?” Bascom onfeelingly remarkt, “Anywher — anywher!”
But sich is life. Republics hev alluz bin ungrateful. Homer
begged his bread, and A. Johnson wuzn't nominated for the
Presidency by the Dimocricy.
When I statid that I desired to go to Noo York, and that all
that prevented it wuz capital enuff to start a grosery, Bascom
to-wunst remarkt that that shoodn't stand in the way.
“I mite ez well give you two barrils to-wunst,” sed he, “and
be done with it, ez to hev yoo prolong it, a drink at a time, for
six months. Indeed it wood be more economical, ez it wood
save me the labor uv drawin it. I give two barrils uv whisky
to git rid uv — that is, to establish — our friend in a new field
uv labor.”
McPelter and Pennibacker contributid money enuff to pay
the freight onto the likker, and to provide the necessary fixters
for a bar, and that nite I left the Corners, hopin never to be
compelled to return. But feelin the truth uv the proverb that
there's many a slip betwixt the cup and lip, I didn't resine
the Post Offis, but lockt it, leavin directions with the boy
who carries the mail to leave Deekin Pogram's paper at his
house.
On my way to Noo York I indulged in the most pleasin
dreams. I fancied myself behind my own bar; gittin my
own likker at wholesale; uv hevin a back room into wich
caucuses shood be held; hevin a suffishent run uv biznis, and
the consekent control uv enuff votes to be on speakin terms
with Governor Huffman and Mayor Hall; uv bein nominatid
for Alderman; uv havin contrax; uv buildin a house on Fifth
Avenoo, and bein a ginooine Noo York aristocrat; uv havin
my carriage, with the coat uv arms uv the Nasby family onto
the panels; uv goin to Congris, in the place uv Morrisy, and
so on. It wuz a lovely dream, but I wuz destined to a sad
awakenin.
I rentid a grosery store in a convenient corner uv 6th Ward,
and put over it, in bold letters, the legend, “Michael O'Nasby,”
with the harp wich wunst thro Tara's halls, its sole uv moosic
shed, paintid conspicyous; and bein a troo Amerikin, I hed the
green flag uv ould Ireland paintid rite above the Stars and
Stripes.
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 553 --
[figure description] Page 553.[end figure description]
In two days I wuz ready for biznis. My establishment reely
looked well. I hed my two barrils conveniently mounted; I
hed thirty glasses in a pan; and a plate uv crackers back uv
em, to show, merely, ez no one yooses them in the 6th Ward.
In the mean time I hed made many pleasant acquaintances.
Two Aldermen and four or five gentlemen connected with the
city government hed lookt in, and interdoosed theirselves, and
exprest theirselves pleased at my comin. Bein a stranger in
the city, they gave some valuable advise.
“The first thing to do,” sed one uv em, “is to make acquaintances.
I wood suggest that you hev a formal openin.
We will, ef the idea strikes yoo, take the trouble to invite a
few friends in, say to-nite, to save you the trouble, that you
may establish yourself. Is it a go?”
Overjoyed, I remarked, “Certainly.” Fatal remark! That
remark, short ez it wuz, wuz my undooin. My friends come,
and with em their friends, to the number uv perhaps thirty. I
rejoist when I saw em. There wuzent a whole pair uv pants
in the party, and a more gorgeous assortment uv noses eyes
never rested onto. Every man uv em wuz a staunch Dimokrat,
and ez they looked at them freshly tapped barrels, they
swore eternal love for me.
Uv course I invited them to take a drink, wich invitashen
wuz responded to with alacrity.
My friends, the Aldermen, immejitly insisted that the party
drink with them. Joyfully I sot out the tumblers, the Aldermen
drinkin out uv tin cups, with the remark that they wuzn't
proud. The cup held more'n three tumblers. Immejitly one
uv the gentlemen who wuz connected with the city government
remarkt, “Set em up!” wich I did, they insistin that I
drink with em every time. Then one uv the friends insistid
that it wuz his time; then another, and another, and another.
By this time I wuz off my balence. Bascom hed not watered
the whiskey, supposin I knew enuff about keepin bar to do it,
and I hed not done it, sposin that he had done it. In my frenzy
I invited all uv em to take suthin, and then the rest seemes to
me like a horrid dream. I remembered frantically insistin on
everybody drinkin with me; I remember the crowd kept
growin bigger and bigger; the Aldermen and two uv the
-- 554 --
[figure description] Page 554.[end figure description]
gentlemen connected with the city government vaulted behind
the bar, and actid ez dispensers, I hevin rolled conveniently
under the bar, and then conshusnis left me.
I awoke in the mornin — I alluz do — but wat an awakenin!
The doors wuz open; there wuz not a drop of likker in the
house; the friends, the Aldermen, and the gentlemen connectid
with the city government, hed stolen the tumblers, the barrils,
and all the moveables in the institooshen; it wuz ez bare ez
the Treasury wuz after Bookannan retired from offis! They
hed even stolen the sign over the door and the stove out uv
the room, my boots, hat, and coat.
Ez a matter of course I coodn't start agin. I not only had
no whiskey, but I hed nothin to pour it out into. I wuz bustid.
My openin wuz altogether too gorgeous. It wood hev ansered
hed I possessed the capital to start agin, but that I lacked.
Agin I wuz floored for want uv means. Agin my impecuniosity
prevented me from makin a rise in the world. How long,
oh, how long, shel I be thus hampered!
I shel never divulge how I got back to the Corners. I shel
never wring the public buzzum with a narrashen uv the trials
and troubles uv that long walk! I shel never recount how I
wuz ignominously tumbled off uv cars; how I hed to gobble
at free lunches, et setry. Suffise it to say I got home at
last.
But I shel not stay here. My failyoor in Noo York shel not
deter me. I shel go back there. With sich a constittooency
at one's back, and so much wealth to tax, it must be a good
field for me. I shel try it agin.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 555 -- p635-606
CLXXI. MR. NASBY AND HIS FRIENDS CONSIDER THE QUESTION OF BREAD AND BUTTER.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 13, 1869.
[figure description] Page 555.[end figure description]
The question “Wat kin I do with myself?” is not solved.
My return from Noo York so ignomiously, on foot, wuz a serious
disappointment to my friends at the Corners. They felt
when I left em that they had me fixed for life, and their sorrer
at my ontimely return wuz genuine. Bascom, ez soon ez he
saw me enter his bar, weary and foot-sore, remarked, with a
profane ejaculashen, that I'd be his rooin yet.
I am a man uv ackshun. To-wunst I called a meetin uv my
friends to consider the situashen, and to arrange for another
vencher. I remarkt to em that I had not lost faith in Noo
York; that I wuz certin that that wuz my field. I proposed
that another outfit shood be furnished me, the same ez before,
and that I shood hev one more trial. But they unanimously
declined, feelin that I hedn't suffishent control uv my own
appetite for a grocery keeper, and that investments in that
direcshun wood be a waste uv capital which the Corners cood
not afford.
Various methods uv makin a livin were sejested, but none
met my approval. One wood sejest this thing in San Francisco;
another in Alaska; and each one wood swear that every
one wuz the very thing. Their readiness to agree, and the
numerousnis uv the miles the places wuz away, satisfied me that
distance was the main pint with em.
That misable wretch, Joe Bigler, happened in at a moment
when they wuz a discussin the feasibility uv a conductership
on a street railroad in Noo Orleans, — ez tho the directers uv
the companies hadn't all got dissipated nephews to fill sich
responsible places, — when he remarkt that the obtoosenis uv
humanity wuz one uv the wonders uv the nineteenth century.
“Make uv him,” sed Josef, “a Dimokratic organ grinder,
saw off his rite leg, dress him in bloo, git him an instrooment
-- 556 --
[figure description] Page 556.[end figure description]
wich will play `Dixie,' the `Bonnie Bloo Flag,' and sich toons,
and plant him on the side walks uv Louisville, Noo York, or
any other Dimekratic city, and his forchoon is made.”
“But why dress me in bloo? Why not in gray, ef I play
Confedrit toons?”
“Innocense! Didn't the Dimocrisy always wear bloo while
they wuz whistlin Confedrit toons? Even in the North they
don't object to a bloo coat, so that they know that there's a
Confedrit heart under it?”
“But,” replied I, “I wuzn't a soljer; wich is, only ez a
draftid man, and then only for a short time.”
“That don't matter,” remarkt Josef; “no more wuz the heft
uv Dimocrisy. The bulk uv em wich served, did so as draftid
men. But that circumstance is in yoor favor. The regler organ
grinders, them wich wuz volunteers, put onto a placard wich
hangs onto their instrooment words to this effect: —
“`Enlisted July 10, 1862 — shot thro the leg at Anteetam.'
“Yoo kin put onto yourn this proud inscripshen: —
“`Draftid September 6, 1863 — desertid September 30, 1863;
lost rite leg in an encounter with Provost Marshels, October
10, 1863.'
“Sich an inscripshen wood melt the heart uv every Dimokratic
passer-by, and they'd fill your cigar-box with coppers.
Wich uv em cood resist such an appeal? Think uv wat a
harvest yoo'd reap in Louisville when Breckinridge comes
home, and in Frankfort when he is inoggeratid Governor of
Kentucky! It's the dodge for yoo, Parson.”
I thot the matter over for a minnit, and it pleased me. The
life uv an organ grinder is by no means to be despised. It's a
dreamy, poetical, contemplative sort uv eggistence. Ez ther
ain't no manyool labor in it beyond the mere turnin uv a crank,
I am satisfied that it wood soot me. Then one sees so much
uv life. Constantly before yoo is a ever changin panorama; yoo
see humanity in all its phases; and when nite comes how
sweet the rest, how inspirin the likker, wich yoo hev honestly
earned by yoor manly exertions!
“Is it neccessary that I shel hev a leg ampitatid?” askt I.
“Certainly!” replied Josef.
-- 557 --
[figure description] Page 557.[end figure description]
“Then I decline!” sed I. “Aside from the pain, I hev
regard for them legs. They saved my life in all the skirmishes
I wuz in doorin my breef term uv servis ez a drafted man in
'63. I will not part with one uv em.”
“This is triflen with your friends, sir!” ejaculatid Bascom.
“Yoo hev the way opened for a honist livin, and yoo refoose to
walk ye into it. This cannot be permitted.”
“It cannot be permitted!” ekkoed McPelter, Pennibacker,
and the rest uv em.
“Joseph, hev yoo suffishent skill to ampetate a limb?” askt
Bascom.
“I hev,” replied Joseph, “ef yoo will furnish me a carvin
knife and handsaw. I've seen it done in Confedrit hospitals.
Troo, the victims didn't most alluz survive. Ef yoo do stand it,
Parson, think uv the glorious life organ-grindin is; ef yoo die
under it, console yourself by thinkin how much organ-grindin
yoo've escaped! Bring the knife and saw, and somebody twist
a handkercher about his leg.”
And forthwith they ceazed me, throwd me onto the bar, and
tied me there, and brot a dull knife and handsaw, and that
cuss wood hev hackt into my leg hed it not bin for Deekin
Pogram.
“Joseph Bigler!” sed this more than saint, “trooly tell us
the chances uv his survivin this operashen?”
“About one in a thousand, I shood say; and that's why I am
so anxious to commence!” promptly replied Joseph, sharpnin
the knife vishusly onto the sole uv his boot.
“Then let him up!” ejaculated the Deekin hastily; “let him
up. He owes me thirty-seven dollars, with interest, sence the
second day of his arrival in this place, wich he borrered. Ef
he dies its gone; ef he lives he may strike suthin that'll
enable him to pay it.”
“Slash away, Bigler!” remarkt Bascom, vishusly; “he owes
me seven hundred dollars for drinks sence he's bin here, and
ef he lives he'll double it in a year.”
There wuz an animatid discussion, ez to whether he shood
go on or stay his eager hand. Fortunately I owed every one
uv the bystanders, and wat wuz more fortunate, the most uv
em wuz better fixed than Bascom. The heft uv my indebted
-- 558 -- p635-609
[figure description] Page 558.[end figure description]
ness to the others wuz for borrered money, clothin, and sich
things wich a man kin git along without. Bascom knows that
ez long ez I live I must hev his goods, money or no money;
and hence his desire to see me either git lucrative employment
or die.
But the majority wuz agin him; he yeelded, and I wuz
saved. Thank Heaven for debt. Hed I bin less hefty on the
borrer, I wood now be a cold corpse.
I must git out uv this ez soon ez possible.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXXII. MR. NASBY FINDS A NEW BUSINESS WHICH PROMISES AMPLE PROFITS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads, }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 20, 1869.
*I hev it at last! I see a lite! A grate lite! a brite lite! I
shall not go to Noo York, nor shall I be forced to leave the Corners,
at least permanently. I hev at last struck ile! I shel live
like a gentleman; I shel pay for my likker, and be on an ekal
footin with other men. Bascom, whose smile is happiness, but
whose frown is death, will smile onto me wunst more.
To Miss Soosan Murphy I owe my present happiness. The
minnit I notist that she hed put in a claim agin the Government
for property yoosed doorin the war by Fedral soljery, I
to-wunst saw where my finanshel salvashen wuz. Immejitly I
histed my shingle ez a agent to prossekoot claims agin the
Government for property destroyed or yoosed doorin the late
onpleasantnis, by Fedral troops. That shingle hedn't bin out
-- 559 --
[figure description] Page 559.[end figure description]
an hour before Joe Bigler hed red it to half the citizens uv
the Corners, and in two hours I hed biznis on my hands, and
money in my pockets. Ez a matter uv course, I insisted upon
a retainin fee uv ten dollars in each case.
Issaker Gavitt and his two younger brothers wuz the first
clients I hed. Their case is one uv pekoolyer hardship, and I
feel ashoored that Congris will to-wunst afford em the releef
they ask. The property destroyed wuz a barn and its contents,
wich wuz destroyed by Buel in the second yeer uv the war;
that is, the contents wood hev bin destroyed only they wuzn't
in the barn, ez they hed bin sold jist previously to the Confedracy.
But ez the Elder, peace to his ashes, took Confedrit
munny for sed contents, wich munny he, in a moment uv enthoosiasm,
invested in Confedrit bonds, wich finally got to be
worth nothin, we put in a claim for the valyoo uv the contents
ez well ez uv the barn. Bein 70 years uv age when the war
broke out, he did not volunteer in the Confedrit service, and
consequently never fired a shot at the Old Flag. His two
youngest sons did, it is troo, but the Elder can't be held
responsible for them boys. The estate is entitled to damage
jist the same ez tho the Elder wuz alive.
Elder Pennibacker hez also claims to a considerable amount,
wich is for fences, crops, barns, and sich, destroyed by Fedral
armies. The Elder is not quite certain but that the fences wuz
destroyed by order uv a Confedrit General, wich wuz retreetin,
and it is possible that the crops, barns, and sich, wuz yoosed
up at the same time. It wuz doorin the war, at any rate, and
ez the Fedral Government wuz, in his opinyun, to blame for the
war, wich never wood hev bin carried on hed it yeelded ez it
ought to hev done, why the Fedral Government ought to pay
all these losses. Uv course I shan't put all the Elder's talk
into the petishen.
Miss Jane McGrath's case, wich is the one I shel push the
hardest, is one wich, ef Congris does not consider favorably, it
will show that Congris hez no bowels. Miss McGrath is a
woman. Uv course doorin the war she wuz loyal, ez she
understood loyalty. She beleeved in her State. She hed two
brothers wich went into the Confedrit servis, and she gave em
both horses. But wood any sister let her brother go afoot?
-- 560 --
[figure description] Page 560.[end figure description]
Them horses must be set down to the credit uv her sisterly
affeckshun. It will be showed, I make no doubt, that when
her oldest brother's regiment (he wuz a Colonel) left for the
seat uv war, that Miss McGrath presented to it a soot uv colors
wich she made with her own hands, wich soot included a black
flag with skull and cross-bones onto it. Sposin she did? It
wuz loyalty to wat she considered her State. And the fact
that doorin the war she rode twelve miles to inform a Confedrit
officer that four Fedral soljers wich hed escaped from Andersonville
wuz hid in her barn, shood not operate agin her. Onto
her piano ther wuz a choice collection uv Southern songs, and
ther is a rumor, that in Louisville wunst she did spit in the
face uv a Fedral offiser; but wat uv that? Is a great Government
goin to inquire closely into sich trifles? Miss McGrath
give me the names uv three Fedral Generals who campt on her
place doorin the last year uv the war, wich wood certify to her
loyalty, wich, ef they didn't, wood show that there wuzn't any
gratitood in humanity.
Deekin Pogram hez uv course a claim. The Deekin's horses
wuz all taken by a Fedral offiser, wich wuz the more agravatin,
ez the Deekin hed, in addishen to his own, jist bought 25, wich
he wuz to hev delivered to General Morgan, uv the Confedracy,
the next day, who wuz to hev paid for em in gold. They were
gobbled. For these horses the Deekin claims payment. He
wuz, doorin the war, strictly nootral. Kentucky did not secede,
neither did the Deekin. His boys went into the Confedrit
service, and on several occasions he mite hev cleaned his
trusty rifle and gone out at nite to git a crack at Fedral
pickets. Habit is strong, and ez ther were no schoolmasters
to shoot, the Deekin must shoot somethin. He considered the
war a great misforchoon, and many a time hez the old patriark,
with teers streemin down his cheeks, exclaimed, “Why won't
Linkin withdraw his troops and let us alone?” He hez bin
since the close uv the struggle a hankerin arter Peece. “Let
us hev Peece!” is his cry. “Give me back my niggers; let
me hev things ez they wunce wuz, and I shel be soothed into
quietood.” He voted for Micklellan in 1864, and for Seymour
in 1868, but that uv course won't count agin him in the matter
uv the claim. The minnit he decided to put in the claim he
-- 561 -- p635-612
[figure description] Page 561.[end figure description]
withdrew from the Ku-Klux, uv wich associashun he hez bin
chief for this seckshun. He's sorry now that he shot any
niggers since the close of the war. He is an inoffensive old
man, whose pathway to the tomb needs soothin. The horses
he lost he counts worth $10,000, and he uv course wants
remuneration to the amount uv $10,000 more for the anguish
he suffered seein uv em go.
Almost every white citizen uv the Corners hez a claim, uv
wich I shel hev the prosekootin; that is them wich kin raise
the retainin fee. Some hundred or more who never hed anything
before or doorin the war, and who are in the same condishen
now, hev put in claims for sums rangin from $10,000 to
$20,000, offerin me the half I git. I may take em. They kin
swear to each other's loyalty, wich will redoose the cost uv
evidence to a mere nominal sum.
I shel hie me to Washington and get Mrs. Cobb to take hold
with me, giving her a share. Ef she succeeds with Congris ez
well ez she did with the President, the result will be all that I
kin desire.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n87* A Miss Susan Murphy filed a claim against the Government, in 1869, for
property destroyed by the Federal armies. Had it been allowed, every rebel
in the South would have followed her example promptly.
CLXXIII. THE LAST OUTRAGE UPON KENTUCKY. — PASSAGE OF THE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT BY THE HOUSE.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky,
February 7, 1869.
The die is mostly cast — gloom hez settled like a dark pall
onto Kentucky. The last vestige uv Constitooshnel liberty is
swept away, leavin us nothin but the name thereof, wich is
holler mockery. Ef the Senit goes on and concurs with the
House, — wich it will do, — and the rekisit number of States
ratify the ackshen of them two accussid bodies, — wich they
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will do, — why, then all is over. Niggers will vote in Kentucky
the same ez white men, and the star uv liberty is sot
forever! They may go so far, ez they will be in a majority,
ez to disfranchise the brave men who served in the Confedrit
army.
Ez might hev bin expectid, the intelligence affectid the Corners
profoundly. We wuz all a settin in at Bascom's ez happy
ez we cood be. A new barrel hed bin tapped. Deekin Pogram
had money, and I wuz not altogether unprovided, ez a
letter hed bin dropped into the Post Offis that mornin wich
contained a remittance uv six dollars to a lottery concern in
Noo York. Ez I beleeve lotteries to be swindles, and demoralizin
in their nacher, I opened the missive and confiscatid the
contents. I will never be the means uv leadin young men to
rooin thro the agency of lottries — never.
It wuz a pleasant scene. The fire wuz a burnin brightly,
wich reflectin on our respective noses, gave the room a more
than usual briteness; Bascom wuz behint the bar, his elbows
leanin onto it, waitin for the orders wich he knew wood be
made; Captain McPelter wuz a smokin his pipe, peacefly, a
watchin the clouds that ariz, formin a sort uv halo about his
head; while Deekin Pogram and myself wuz just in the act uv
takin suthin hot wich hed bin fixed for us. At this moment
Pennibacker's boy rode up on Bascom's mule and hove a paper
at me wich contained the fatal intelligence. I read it aloud.
There wuz no more innocent mirth that nite. Deekin Pogram's
hand relaxed its holt onto the glass and it fell to the floor, the
precious flooid wastin itself thro the cracks, and the old Saint
fell from his chair in a swoon. I hed more presence uv mind—
I drank mine with one convulsive gulp, and then dropped
the empty glass. The effect, so far ez manifestin greef
wuz concerned, wuz the same ez tho I hed dropped it, likker
and all, and it wuz better for me. The glass wuz Bascom's —
the sensashen in my bowels perdoosed by the likker wuz
mine. That, even constitooshnel amendments can't take away
from me.
It didn't take long to figger how this outrage, ef it is consummatid,
will effect the Corners. Ther is in this peeceful
township sixty-three loyal white voters, uv wich number
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thirty-nine vindicated their manhood in the Confedrit servis, the
others bein too old, ceptin Pollock, wich is from Illinoy, and uv
Ablishen proclivities. Garrettstown is in this township, and
countin them in, ther is two hundred and forty-four adult
male niggers, and ther wood hev bin a hundred more hed niggers
all bin born bullet and rope proof. So long ez these niggers
wuz in their normal condishen uv servitood they wuz
indispensable sence they wuz crooelly wrested from us, we
hev made em a most ez yooseful to us by hevin the law into
our own hands. They hev, ez a rool, accumulated suthin, for
they labor. We uv course held the offises. Issaker Gavitt is
Assessor, and Deekin Pogram Treasurer, and the niggers hev
bin made to pay all the taxes that hev bin paid. They coodent
help theirselves, for the law hez terrors when weeldid by
strong and willin hands, and the hands uv our offishels are both
strong and willin.
But for these niggers the township government wood be a
mere nothin. Issaker didn't dare to assess Bascom for fear
he'd stop supplies onto him, nor wood Bascom hev any uv the
white citizens taxed, for watever they shood pay in taxes, that
went either into the County or State Treasury, wuz so much
lost to him. He wuz anxious to hev the niggers sweat, for uv
the money collectid uv them he got a large per cent., either
through the Collector or Treasurer, wich wuz clear gain, ez
they don't patronize him anyhow.
In various other ways we hed em. Pennibacker is Justis
uv the Peece, and hez bin for yeers, and he held the scales
firmly. The niggers wood occasionally labor in plantin time or
in harvest for the white citizens who owned land, and, filled
with the idea that they wuz free citizens, they wood, in the
most insolent manner, demand pay for their services. Uv
course they wood be refoosed, whereupon they wood bring
soot before Pennibacker. The result uv their venchur it is
onnecessary for me to state.
“What biznis hez a nigger in this yer court?” wood the indignant
embodiment uv the majesty uv the law thunder forth,
with a face as black as a cloud. And dismissin the soot, he
wood promptly ishoo an execooshen agin em for costs. Ten or
twenty niggers who sood white men wuz sold out, bob and
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sinker, by the court for costs in sich soots, and when the costs
didn't take all they hed, the Justis wood fine em for contempt
uv court for comin before him at all. The niggers, after a few
experiments, declined to seek justis at that fountain-head uv
the article.
Then agin in case uv assault and battery, and inquests on the
ded bodies uv niggers, it wuz nessary to hev Pennibacker
Justis. Niggers wich wuz found ded hanging on a tree, and
with bullet holes into em, wuz reglerly found guilty uv dyin
by visitation uv Providence. Ez they hedn't votes, uv course
none uv the offishels wuz afraid uv em. I heard one uv em,
wunst, who hed bin fined twenty dollars for striking Issaker
Gavitt, wich hed in a playful mood chased his daughter thro
the Corners, groaninly exclaim that he wisht he'd bin born in
Ireland instid uv Ameriky.
But now how will it be with us? They will vote, and they
hev a majority. Pollock will be made Justis uv the Peace, Joe
Bigler Assessor, and a nigger constable. Wat sekoority hev
we? Niggers will soo us and git judgment, and the nigger
constable will serve execooshens onto us. Why, Deekin Pogram
owes enuff to niggers to swamp every aker he holds,
and Bascom wood sweat severely. And when we punch one
uv their heads for insolence to us, then to be arrestid by a nigger,
and taken afore a Justis elected by niggers, and be fined
or perchance imprisoned! It's too much. When this happens,
will the Corners, I ask, be a place for gentlemen uv pride and
culcher? Nay. And to this it must come.
I see one weak spot in the amendment, viz.: It provides
that no State shel disfranchise anybody becoz of race or color,
but don't say that people can't be disfranchised for other causes,
and I eagerly seezed hold uv that ez a shipwreckt mariner
does to a plank.
“Wat good will that do us?” groaned the Deekin.
“Why, we kin disfranchise em on the skore of ignorance!”
remarked I; “the niggers can't all read?”
“No more kin I,” replied Isaaker Gavitt, mournfully. “I'd
be cut out with em.”
And upon givin the matter matoor reflection, I saw that ther
wuz no bottom to that hope. By makin readin a test, the
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sooperior class at the Corners wood be more hurt than the inferior
class.
Thank Heaven, ten States kin block this game, and save us
this torment. O, that they may do it! O, that that bitter
draft may be spared us! May the Dimocrisy uv the North
put forth their strength, and save us this last degradation.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich means Postmaster).
CLXXIV. THE LAST CABINET MEETING. — THE END OF THE JOHNSON REIGN.
Washington, D. C., March 5, 1869.
The agony is over! A. Johnson, spurned by an ungrateful
people, wich didn't deserve so sweet a boon, is wunst more a
privit citizen, and uv no more account than I am — not ez
much, for I am still a Postmaster.
Ez I wuz in at the birth uv the Johnson party, so it wuz my
painful dooty to be in at the death. I wuz present at the first
and the last uv its Cabinet meetins. The first wuz an eggsileratin
scene; the last the most mournful I ever witnist. At
the first we startid out with high hopes; fresh in our offisis,
with a Treasury to draw on wich seemed to us to hev no bottom,
and with sich men ez Raymond, Weed, et al., to give us
character, and the voices uv the thousands uv patriots, wich
wantid offis, biddin us God-speed; at the last there wuz left
only those who hed become so fixed that they couldn't get
away, and every one uv em conshus that the next day at 12 M.
they wuz forever lost. The harlot commencin her career with
youth, beauty, strength, and store clothes, is one thing; the
same bein holler-eyed, sunken-cheeked, dirty, and drabbled,
turned out to die on a dunghill, ain't so pleasant to look at.
The meetin wuz held in the same old room, in wich I hev
seen more weepin than ever fell to the lot uv one man. (The
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administrashun uv A. Johnson will be known in histry ez the
moist Administration.) It wuz in this room that we decided
to veto the Freedman's Buro and Civil Rites Bill, and all the
other acts uv the 39th and 40th Congress; it wuz in this room
that we received the news uv the eleckshens uv 1866, '67, and
'68; it wuz in this room that the Philadelphia Convenshen wuz
determined upon, and the tetchin march uv Couch and Orr,
arm in arm, up the aisle wuz arranged, the President writin at
the same time his little speech, in wich he mentioned the fact
that ez he read the account thereof he couldn't restrain his
emoshun, but bustid into a flood uv teers; it wuz in this room
that the spontaneous triboots uv respeck toward His Eggslency
at various times and places wuz arranged, and the details
thereof fixed up; in short, it wuz in this room that all the acts
wich gild the memry uv the late administrashen wuz decided
upon and evenchually wept over.
Ez I entered it, for the last time probably, I bust into
teers on the threshold, and jined the other weepers who hed
bin distilin briny grief for some hours. Indeed, so long hed
they bin weepin that one friend uv the President, who hed a
Kentucky countenance, howled piteously for some liquid to
replace that wich he hed lost. A bottle wuz handed him, and
he wept no more. I tried it to strengthen me agin the waste
that I knowd must ensoo. Ingratitood is not my failure. Till
A. Johnson gits back to Tennessee my eyes shall not be dry.
The President wuz terribly calm and composed.
“Weep! my friends!” sed he, “weep. I can't blame you,
for you are about to be deprived of me! But in this tryin
hour I will be calm. I hev swung around the entire circle uv
offishel honor. I hev bin —”
At this pint his voice trembled and his eyes wuz suffoosed.
“But, no! I will be myself. Sekretary Seward, is there any
more acts uv an unconstitutional Congress to veto?”
“No — pockitin uv em ansers the purpose.”
“Is there anybody to pardon?”
“No one — but stay. Now that I think uv it, two counterfeiters,
one whisky speculator, a Confedrit officer or two, and
wat's left uv the assassination party, still linger in Basteels or
in exile.”
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“I must finish my work. Hand me them blank pardons!”
He wrote with a firm hand, a fillin uv em out, wich only took
a second, ez he hez blanks printed for all the various offences
man kin be guilty uv.
“Now then my dooties is accomplished, and I cheerfly resine
the power wich I wood hev laid down long ago but for the sake
uv my bleedin country. I wood hev saved my native land —
Enough. Admit our friends.”
Mayor Munro, uv Noo Orleans, Mrs. Cobb, a score or more
uv Confedrit officers, and a flood uv unforchenet men who hed
bin accoosed uv tamperin with an unconstooshnel currency,
and a hundred, more or less, uv Federal offis-holders, filed in
and shook the President corjelly by the hand, dropin a silent,
elokent teer ez they passed. There wuz, in addishen to these,
several hundred poor wretches who hed bin layin about Washington
for months waitin for posishens, but who hedn't got em.
They hed no money to get home with, and they insisted that
the President must and shood furnish em means. One uv em
demanded uv Randall $500, but that great man finally got
rid uv him by loanin him a clean shirt and a box uv paper
collars.
The man wuz deprest, though still hopeful.
“This,” sed he, wavin the shirt in air, “this is all I hev
to start on agin; when I embarkt into Johnsonism my friends
fell off. In remorse I took to likker, and step by step went
down till I became the loathsome objick yoo behold. But I
shel now reform, and try to be somebody. Disguised in this
shirt I may inspire confidence and find a helpin hand. But
don't none uv yoo speek to me on the street.”
Ez I saw him the next evenin, in a state uv hilarity, hangin
to a lamp-post, repeatin porshens uv the late President's farewell
address to passers by without any clean shirt on, I judged
remorse hed ovoercome him again, and that the clean shirt hed
bin pawned, poor fellow!
Then come the most saddest scene uv all. The President
hed to bid adoo to his Cabinet.
“My tried and trustid friends,” he commenced, when Randall
broke in with the onfeelin remark, that he'd better say “trustid
friends” without the “tried.”
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“My liege, `your tried friends' wuz in the gang uv counterfeiters
which jist left the presence. They wuz not only tried,
but convicted.”
Sekretary Seward wuz vizably effected. That afternoon he
had heerd uv an Island for sale, the principal volcano on wich
hed mostly stopped gushin, and he wept to think he hedn't
time to complete negociashens for it. It wuz offered for
$20,000,000, and he considered the price a mere bagatelle.
Sekretary Welles wuz the only cheerful one in the party.
He hed no idea that he wuz to stop bein Sekretary uv the
Navy; he expectid to go along ez tho nothin hed happened.
Seward and Randall hed bin tryin for an hour to make him
comprehend the sitooashen — that ther wuz to be a change —
but to no purpose. He coodent get it thro him. I undertook
to impress it onto his intelleck, but my efforts wuz futile.
Huggin to his buzzum a model uv a Erie canal boat wich he
had determined to re-model into a revenoo cutter, he kept on
sayin, “Why — why shood I go out? I wuz under Linkin
and then Johnson. There ain't no more difference between
Linkin and Johnson than there is between Johnson and Grant—
is there? I agreed with Linkin and with Johnson, and I
shel agree with Grant, doubtless. Why shood I differ with
Grant?”
Randall smiled a sardonicle smile at the aged infant, and
remarkin that he (Randall) hed hed a good time uv it anyhow,
the recolleckshen whereof the d—d Abolishnists coodent rob
him uv, shook hands with A. J., addin that he didn't bear him
any ill will.
“I'm a rooined man,” continyood Randall, “but I'm ez much
to blame ez yoo are. I shel go into histry coupled with yoo.
My bloomin boys, when they arrive at man's estate, will apply to
the Legislachers uv their respective States to hev their names
changed to suthin else. I'm young, and can't die in a few yeers,
ez Welles kin, and must therefore drag out a longer eggsistance,
but I don't blame yoo. I went into it, takin the chances, and I
stand the hazzard uv the die. I shel serve the ambishus youth
uv this country ez an Awful Eggsample.”
But little remained to be done. Randall and Johnson arranged
to hev Welles absent from Washington for the week
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followin the inaugurashen, knowin that otherwise he'd hev to
be carried out uv the Department by force. They appintid a
committee uv Connecticut men to keep him busy till after his
successor wuz installed, and shakin hands all around, each
sheddin a manly tear, the last Cabinet meeting uv A. Johnson's
administration passed into histry.
Uv the inauguration uv Grant the next day, I hev not the
heart to write. Suffice it to say that niggers participatid in it.
Niggers wuz on the sidewalks, not ez in the olden time, humble
and meek, but in chairs, waitin to see the procession pass,
amoosin theirselves the while readin noospapers.
Deekin Pogram, who wuz with me, called my attenshen to
this, askin ef it wuz possible for a Kentuckian whose eyes
beheld sich a site to hev any further faith in republikin instooshens?
The old saint shuddered visibly ez a nigger in a
dress coat, plug hat, and shiny boots passed us, nearly knockin
us into the gutter in their haste, his wife onto his arm, dressed
in the heighth uv fashion, with a panyer. He smiled feebly
and in a bewildered way, but sed nothin. The site uv a nigger
regiment marchin in the perceshun finished the Deekin. He
grew so faint that I hed to take him to his lodgins. He left
the same evenin for the Corners.
The members uv the late Administrashen hev not decided
wat to do. Browning will probably go into a claim agency in
Noo York. Randall remarkt that ef Sammy Cox and Jack
Rogers cood succeed in Noo York, he thot he cood. Mrs. Cobb
will go to Noo York, and probably the pardon brokers, lobbyists,
and sich, will do likewise. A dozen or two Faro banks
packed up to-nite, and others will speedily follow em. In consekence
uv this breakin up in the Administrashen and its
supporters, the poleece force uv Washington hez bin already
lessened.
I shel accompany the late President to Tennessee, and take
my leave uv him then. He will want some faithful friends to
console him on that dreary passage, and who so fit for the offis
ez the undersined? I shel see him entombed in Greenville,
and then sadly turn my steps to Kentucky and await the ishoo
uv evence. I shel uv course be turned out uv offis, and wat
will follow I know not. A. J. may conclood to stump Tennessee
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for the governorship, ez Brownlow hez the paralysis; if so, I
shel go to his rescue. I can't now go to Noo York, for that
city will be overrun. With Browning, Randall, and the thousands
who go out uv offis with them, in that city, wat chance
wood there be for me?
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster.)
P. S. — The press, wich is now subsidized, is animadvertin
upon ex-President Johnson for not appearin at the inaugurashen.
His Eggslency preferred to avoid the display. “Let
Grant start fair,” he nobly said; “I will not mortify him by
giving the throng wich hez flocked here to pay triboots uv
respeck for me an opportoonity to hurrah for me ez the percession
passes. I hev swung around the entire circle uv offishel
honor, and kin afford to be magnanimous. Let him hev the
entire credit uv wat enthoosiasm is manifested.” Cood anything
be more noble? P. V. N.
CLXXV. MR. NASBY WITNESSES A PROCESSION OF THE SONS OF ERIN.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 20, 1869.
I happened to be in Albany, wich is in the State uv Noo
York, on St. Patrick's Day, and wuz a gratified and pleased
observer uv the percession in honor uv the patron saint uv the
Green Isle. It wuz a gorgeous site, and one wich warmed my
heart. There wuz men in cockt hats on horseback, with green
sashes onto em; there wuz officers uv the various societies in
carriages, with green sashes onto em; there wuz the sturdy
sons uv Erin on foot, with green sashes onto em, all walkin or
ridin, serene in the knowledge uv the fact that, no matter
what cussed macheens mite be invented for diggin on
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railroads, or carryin brick and mortar to the tops uv buildins, none
uv em sed macheens cood ever vote. Then the enthoosiasm
uv the Dimocratic offis-holders uv Albany exceeded anythin I
ever witnest. The Dimocratic members uv the Legislacher,
and the state and county offishils, wuz all in conspikuos posishens,
the high ones bowin urbanely, and the low ones cheerin
vociferously. I wuz at a winder uv the Delevan House, — at
wich, ez I hed no baggage, I hed taken the precaution to pay
in advance, for fear I mite, absent-mindedly, leave without
payin my board, wich I did at the suggestion uv the gentlemanly
and urbane clerk, — when I wuz roodly pusht aside
by an impetuous gentleman. Noticin that he wuz a small
man, I seized him, and demanded wat in blazes he meant by
pushin me. “My dear sir,” sed he, in agony, “please give me
yoor place — do give me yoor place! I am a candidate for
alderman next spring!” Pityin him, I yeelded, and in a minit
he wuz a wavin a green flag from the winder, and shoutin
“Rah!” with all the venom that wuz in him. Ez I lookt at
him and the other expectants, I cood not help thinkin wat a
happiness it must be to be an Irishman in Ameriky.
The next mornin I opened the paper, and read the account
uv the banquet the previous evenin. My respeck for the
Celtic race increased largely ez I read. I learned from the
speeches made at that banquet by invited Dimocratic guests
who wuz present, and the letters from distinguished Dimocrats
who hed been invitid but who wuz not present, that the
Irish not only diskivered Ameriky, but that they won the independence
uv the colonies, beat the British in 1812, carried
on the Mexikin war, and finally, alone and unaided, put down
the late onpleasantnis. One speeker, who expects to be Mayor
uv Albany, expresst it ez his beleef that the magnetic needle,
gunpowder, and the telegraff wuz the invenshun uv Irishmen.
The letters written by the leadin Dimocrats uv the State, to
be read at the banquet, tetched me. Governor Hoffman paid
a fittin triboot to St. Patrick, and remarkt that it wuz the first
time for years that he hed omitted to take some part in the
celebrashen uv St. Patrick's Day, and the thought cut him to
the quick. Champlain, the Attorney-General uv Noo York,
remarkt that ez Irishmen hed borne so honorable a part in
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everything that hez tended to increase the moral, intellectooal,
and physikle strength uv the country, his sympathy twines
closter and closter around em, and that he consekently shuddered
at the prospeckt uv any obstruction being placed in the
way uv their bein made citizens ez fast ez possible.
The other letters from distinguisht Noo Yorkers wuz mostly
uv the same tenor.
Ez I wuz readin this, and thinkin to myself how the leadin Dimocrats
uv Noo York never forget that there's an eleckshen
ahead, I fell asleep, and in that sleep I hed a most curious vision.
Methawt I wuz set ahead twenty years. The fifteenth
amendment hed bin passed, and the niggers wuz all voters. I
wuz sittin by my winder in the Delevan House, when the
sound uv brass moosic broke the fearful stillnis that yoosually
pervades the streets uv that city. A percession hove in site,
and, to my horror, they wuz niggers! There wuz niggers in
cockt hats on horseback, niggers in carriages with banners,
and niggers on foot.
“Wat is this?” askt I, in indignashen.
“Why, it's a celebration uv the birthday uv St. Gumbo, the
patron saint uv Afriky!” remarkt a Dimocratic alderman, who
stood beside me. “Hurrah! Hurrah!” shreeked he, pushin
me asside, and bendin his head out uv the winder so ez to be
seen, wavin vociferously a black flag, wich I learned hed bin
adopted ez the nashnel color uv the Afrikins in Ameriky. The
enthoosiastic alderman wuz rewarded for his eggsertions with
a grashus smile from a pekoolerly disgustin black nigger with
a sash onto him, who wuz seeted in a baroosh.
“Rah! Rah!” shouted the Dimocrisy from all the winders ez
the percession filed by. Ez they wound their way up to the
Capitol, I notist the entire buildin wuz decorated with black
flags in honor uv the day, and to my disgust I wuz informed
that the state officers wuz all Dimocrats.
In my dream I picked up the Dimocratic papers the next
morning, and read an account uv the banquet that took place
that evening. I notist some familyer names appended to ruther
familyer-looking letters.
Hoffman, who hed got to be a Senator, addrest the Chairman
uv the Committee on Invitashens ez “Ceezer Squash, Esq.:
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[figure description] Page 573.[end figure description]
My deer sir”! and remarkt that it wuz the first time for yeers
that he'd not taken some part in the celebrashen uv “St. Gumbo's
Day,” but biznis preventid. He regrettid deeply that he
cood not be present and jine in the festivities. “Convey to
the noble sons of Afriky present,” he went on to say, “my
sense uv the honor conferred upon me, and my ashoorance that
ez my heart beats, it shel beat in yoonison with theirn. I recognize
the valyoo uv the Afrikin populashen to our common
country, and yeeld to no one in admirashen uv their noble
qualities. I am, sir, yoor most obedient servant.”
Smotherin my disgust at this performance, I read on.
Champlain, who wuz by this time Governor uv Noo York,
hevin receeved all the nigger votes, and wuz a candidate for
re-elekshun, remarkt in his letter that offishel biznis prevented
him from attendin. “It is most nateral,” he remarkt, “for
Amerikins to yoonite with Afrikins everywhere, and he felt it
the more ez he thought uv the honorable part the Afrikins hed
borne in all that hez tendid to increase the moral, intellectooal,
and physikle strength uv our growin country.”
The other letters and toasts were ez much like these ez two
peas. They all expressed highest devoshen for the Afrikin
race, and the most ardent admirashen for the Afrikin character.
One enthoosiastic Dimocrat, who was a candidate for Prison
Inspector, or suthin, went so far ez to remark that he had a
rite to be present, ez he wuz proud to say his grandmother, on
his father's side, hed Afrikin blood in her veins, and out uv regard
for her he hed named his two darlin children respectively
Pompey and Phillis.
He loved the Afrikin race, and wuz proud that he cood lay
his hand on his heart and say, “I too am an Afrikin!”
Another lamentid that he cood not say he hed Afrikin blood
in his veins, and Fernandy Wood, who still wantid to be Mayor
uv Noo York, proposed the health uv the late Fred Douglas,
to wich Jim Brooks respondid. John Morrissey proposed the
memry uv Fred Douglas, and Ben Wood the health uv William
Wells Brown.
In fact so ardent wuz the admirashen uv the grate lites uv
the Dimocrisy for the Afrikin, that, in my dream, I regretted
that I hed not bin born in Afriky.
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At this pint I woke, pleased at findin that wat I hed seen
and read wuz all a dream, that the paper I held in my hand
cortained an account uv an Irish and not a nigger celebrashen,
and that the names uv Hoffman and Champlain wuz appended
to letters addressed to Irishmen only. But I wuz sad after all.
When the cussid amendment is a part of the soopreme law uv
the land, and the niggers hev votes, will not these men court
em and fondle em the same ez they do other men with ballots?
thought I. Will there not be then the same reason for slobberin
Pompey that there now is for slobberin Patrick? Will
not the ardent Dimocrat in pursoot uv votes forgit that he is
uv the proud Caucashen race, and stoop to caress an inferior?
I fear me!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXXVI. THE CORNERS OUTRAGED.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 9, 1869.
Ef the Dimocrisy uv the North arn't satisfied by this time
that the ultimate intenshen uv the Ablishnists is to subjoogate
em and redoose em to the level uv the nigger, the voice uv
one risin from the dead woodn't avail nothin. Yesterday the
last outrage wich a chivalrous people has been compelled to
bear was perpetrated onto a citizen of the Corners. A Nigger
is now an offis-holder at the Corners! I shel state the case
calmly.
The posishen uv Assessor uv Internal Revenoo for the Deestrick
uv wich the Corners is the centre, hez bin held by Captain
Hugh McPelter, late uv Morgan's cavalry, C. S. A. That
he hez filled the posishen to the satisfaction uv the citizens uv
the Corners, no one denies. He is a distiller — in fact he and
Elder Pennibacker run the two distilleries in the town, and
-- 575 --
[figure description] Page 575.[end figure description]
they hev did a thrivin biznis. McPelter wuz Assessor, and
Pennibacker Collector, and ez a consekence none uv the capital
uv the Corners hez bin substracted and carried to Washington
to feed the Ablishen theeves there. Ez no tax hez ever
bin paid on the whiskey at this place, Bascom hez bin enabled
to continyoo to sell it at five cents per drink, while everywhere
else the regler price is ten and fifteen. There wuz other advantages
in havin the Assessorship and Collectorship in their
hands. By simply hintin to em that it wuz my dooty ez a
Fedril offis-holder to investigate their modes uv doin the government
biznis, I hev not only bin the happy recipient uv
scores uv two gallon jugs, but I hev bin enabled at divers and
sundry times to prokoor loans uv em uv various amounts, the
lowest bein $1.75, and the highest reachin $20.
This happy condishun uv affairs is bustid. Gabrel Babcock,
a nigger — that is, a half nigger — formerly the property uv
Deekin Pogram, and who looks enuff like the Deekin's oldest
son, Jehiel, to be his half-brother, wuz last week appinted and
confirmed Assessor in the place uv Captain McPelter, and immejitely
he entered onto the discharge uv his dooties.
There are many feechers pekoolyerly aggravatin in the appintment.
To begin with, this Babcock wuz notoriously obnoxyus
to the Corners doorin the late onpleasantnis. At the
beginnin thereof he run away from Deekin Pogram and entered
the Fedral servis. He wuz partikerly activ and cussid. His
knowledge uv the country made him yooseful to the Fedral
offisers ez a guide and scout, and at least one Fedral victory
is chargeable direct to the information he brot. Then his
wife wuz knowd to hev hid five Fedral soljers who hed escaped
from Andersonville. When he finally fell into the hands uv
Captain McPelter at Fort Pillow kin it be wondered at that he
wuz left for dead? or kin it be wondered at that the people
uv the Corners wuz surprized when he appeared among em at
the close uv the war with one leg off and one arm stiff? Not
much. Captain McPelter wuzn't in the habit uv half doin his
work, and the appearance uv this nigger who hed passed
through his hands ruther astonished the captin.
Doorin his absence he hed learned to read and write, and
he wuz made a teecher in the Freedmen's Skool wich wuz
-- 576 --
[figure description] Page 576.[end figure description]
establisht in this place, and now he's Assessor, with Pollock on
his bond.
Ez a matter uv course we despair uv the republic. Wat
freedom kin there be for us with a nigger in offishel posishen
to tyranize over us? Wat man uv culcher, uv ejucashen, uv
refinement, kin afford to live in a community where a disgustin
mulatto is made not only our ekal but our sooperior?
Deekin Pogram said this indignantly to Joe Bigler, who immejitly
askt the Deekin whether or not he didn't count Babcock's
mother his ekal thirty years ago? Wich question, wich
was askt in the presence uv the Deekin's wife, who hez a temper,
wuz the occasion uv severe remarks between the worthy
pair. Joe Bigler delites in openin old sores.
The first act uv this Babcock in his offishl capassity wuz the
shuttin up uv McPelter's and Pennibacker's distilleries, and
Bascom's bar, on the skore that none uv em hed ever taken
out licenses, or even paid any taxes. There wuz the most terrific
ebulishn uv feelin at this act of tyranny that it hez ever
bin my lot to witness.
“Kill the d—d nigger!”
“Hang the black cuss!”
“Down with the Afrikin despot!”
Shoutid the infuriated citizins. With a refinement uv crooelty
wich cood only be the offspring uv a most depraved and
vishus mind, he shut up these places at seven o'clock in the
mornin, before one uv the citizens hed hed his mornin bitters!
Hed he postponed it an hour we might hev fought it out, for
some one else would hev prokoored a supply before noon, and
things would hev gone on normal. But here wuz the entire
populashen uv the Corners at 7 A. M., with throats like limekilns,
and nary a drop to be hed for love or money. The skeem
wuz well considered and successful. The citizens cood hold
out but fifteen minits, and they surrendered. They gave
bonds, to wich they all appended their marks, to indemnify the
government for back taxes, and compelled Bascom to take out
license. This done, the nigger, who wuz backt up by Bigler
and Pollock, opened his doors, and the multitood surged in and
wuz satisfied. To think uv a nigger holdin the destinies uv
the Corners in his hands!
-- 577 --
[figure description] Page 577.[end figure description]
Ez a matter uv course, Elder Pennibacker will follow next;
“indeed he wants to resign now, for, sez he, with the Assessorship
in hostile hands uv wat avail is it to be Collector?” And
then, how long will my head stay on my shoulders? Is a nigger
to take my place! Already Bascom hez raised his price
to 10 cts. per drink, and notified me that likker from this time
out is cash, and already hez Pennibacker and McPelter refoozed
to lend me a cent! My kingdom is crumblin. The
eleckshen uv Grant wuz the wedge wich is rivin me from stem
to stern. I shel be compelled to go hentz a broken man.
Good Hevings, why coodn't I hev died while Johnson wuz
still President!
The blindness uv this present Administrashen is trooly
astonishen. Things wuz settlin rapidly at the Corners. McPelter
wuz becomin pacified, and Deekin Pennibacker likewise.
They wuz not satisfied with the Government, nor did
they approve uv anything it did, but they were passive. Now
the old sores is opened. Now McPelter is breathin slaughter,
and is for lettin slip the dorgs uv war. And wat hez Grant
got in return? Why, a nigger who wuz already hizzen, and
the two whites at the Corners who voted for him last fall, and
will agin, anyhow. General Grant evidently don't mean to
pacify us — he ain't on the soothe, nor hez he a clear idea uv
wat is needed to conciliate. I shel go next. There is to be a
meetin held next week to protest agin these changes, but it
won't avail nothin. We are all marked.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich means Postmaster).
-- 578 -- p635-629
CLXXVII. THE CORNERS HAVE A DISCUSSION AS TO THE MATTER OF CARPET-BAGGERS.
Post Office, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 8, 1869.
[figure description] Page 578.[end figure description]
The presence uv Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, at the
Corners, hez alluz bin a source uv uneasiness to the old settlers—
the bloo blooded chivalry, who hev alluz bin born here,
and who hev lived here from time immemorial. An Illinoyan
by birth, an Ablishnist by perfesion, and a Storekeeper by
practis, he hez, from his originel advent here, bin an unmitigated
thorn in the side uv the Kentuckians wich live at the Corners,
wich thorn hez rankled and rankled, till it hez festered
and finally broke.
There are sevral reasons why he hez bin unpopler. He
credited the citizens uv the Corners, on his first arrival, for
sich goods ez they needed, and hed the impoodence to insist
upon pay. Deekin Pogram, in less than two months from the
openin, wuz in his debt suthin over a hundred dollars, and the
wretch not only insisted on payment, but abslootly sood him,
and wood hev recovered the amount, hed Squire Gavitt, who
wuz then Justis uv the Peace, ishooed papers. Findin that
the officers uv the law uv the Corners wood not interfere in
favor uv a disturber, he refoozed to sell another dollar's worth
save for cash, and from that time he hez rigidly adhered to
that rool. Ez he keeps the only stock uv dry goods there is in
the Corners, the citizens are obliged to paternize him, and they
hev to pay. This iron hez bin entrin their soles for years, and
finally it wuz decidid to hist him, and take the chances uv
somebody else comin in his place. The ackshen uv citizens
wuz hastened, by the fact that two friends uv hizzen wuz
comin from his old home in Illinoy, to start a Wagon and
a Cooper shop in the Corners, wich wuz an increase uv just
that number uv carpet-baggers, besides wat hands they mite
bring with em.
This alarmed our citizens, and it wuz felt nessary to take
-- 579 --
[figure description] Page 579.[end figure description]
steps to stop it. Accordin a meetin wuz called uv the natives,
wich met last nite at the church.
In assoomin the chair (I am ex-offisho chairman uv all meetins
held at the Corners), I remarkt that the exigencis uv the
times demanded that suthin be done. The peece and yoonanimity
uv feelin uv the Corners coold not be disturbed by
the influx of carpet-baggers. The trooly Southern sole wuz
wrung, the Southern heart wuz bleedin, but there wuz a pint
beyond wich the Southern sole and heart cood not go, and that
pint wuz carpet-baggers. The Southern heart loathed the
spawn of the North, and the chivelrous Southern sole cood not
and wood not bear to hev Northern agitators okkepyin their
places and bringin with em their ijees, wich were alluz in
opposishen to ourn. Ef sich wuz to be the case, farewell the
sunny South and her instooshens. I ask in conclooshin for an
expresion uv opinyun from the citizens assembled.
To my consternashin, Joe Bigler riz, tho where he came
from I can't say. He commenst by remarkin that attachment
to one's native soil, and a desire to hold office in it, wuz one uv
the highest and holiest instinks uv our fallen nachers. He
cood and did sympathize with the chairman uv the meetin
fully, and agreed with him in everything he had said. He did
not beleeve that needy advencherers from the cold and frozen
North shood come here and possess theirselves uv the soil to
the excloosion uv them native and to the manor born.
Never! never! never! He hed a Southern heart and a
Southern sole, and he wood never consent to be crowded out
by them alien to us. He hed drawd up resolooshens, which he
begged to submit, viz.: —
Resolved, That the native born citizens uv the Confedrit
Cross Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, denounces ez
disturbers, interlopers, and carpet-baggers, wich can't be tolerated,
all those within her borders wich wuz not born there.
Resolved, That when sich a person ez is contemplated in the
above resolution holds an offis or asks for one, his presence is
pertikelerly unsufferable.
Resolved, That we do to-wunst clean out uv the Corners all
sich persons, quietly ef possible, but by force ef needs be.
The resolooshens struck the citizens favorably, and they
-- 580 --
[figure description] Page 580.[end figure description]
wuz about to pass em, Bigler's niggers uv course all votin for
em, when an idee struck me. I saw the strategy uv the detestable
wretch to-wunst. It wuz me he wuz aimin at. I wuz
the mark uv his infernal mashenashens. I remembered, for
the first time in four years, that I wuz not a native uv Kentucky;
that I wuz a Northner, and that I had come to Kentucky
an advencherer! In agony I arose and protested, but
too late! The resolooshens passed yoonanimusly, and Joe
Bigler stood grinnin at me like a feend.
“Now,” sed he, “now that I kin act by authority, now that
I kin wunst more act in accordance with the wishes uv my
fellow-citizens, from whom I hev bin so long unhappily separated,
I perpose to go for a carpet-bagger. Parson, your time
hez come!”
And the wretch made for me vishusly, and hed me by the
throte in less than a second.
Immejitly Bascom, and Pennebacker, McPelter, and the rest
interfered, and dragged the villin away.
“Wat does this mean?” they askt. “Why this assault?”
“Why? Isn't the Parson afore us a carpet-bagger?” askt
Bigler. “Wuz he born at the Corners? Hez he a rite to stan
on the soil uv Kentucky, and say, thank Hevin, I too am a
Kentuckian! Possibly I may hev misunderstood the tenor uv
the resolushens wich I writ, and wich yoo passed. Ef so,
forgive my zeal.”
“But, Josef,” sed Deekin Pogram, “the Parson is not, accordin
to our idee, a carpet-bagger.”
“Too troo,” said Bigler, in reply; “he hed no carpet-bag
when he came.”
“That isn't percisely wat I mean. The Parson is a Constooshnel
Democrat. He agrees with us in sentiment, and —”
“A lite breaks in onto me,” remarkt Bigler. “I see a distinkshen.
We denounce men ez carpet-baggers and interlopers
and sich, not becoz they are carpet baggers and interlopers,
but becoz they don't interlope accordin to yoor noshens. The
Parson isn't objectionable to the Corners, becoz the Parson kin
punish ez much sod corn whiskey ez any uv yoo, and votes
the Demokratic ticket with fearful regularity; Pollock is
objectionable becoz he don't do these things, and happens to
-- 581 --
[figure description] Page 581.[end figure description]
be somewat Ablishen in his tendencies. Thank the Lord, I
now understand wat a carpet-bagger is. Parson, I beg pardon
for my violence, and I move this resolooshn ez a substitute for
the one yoo so inconsiderately passed.
“Resolved, That while the citizens uv the Corners bleeve in
perfect freedom uv thot and speech, and desire it above all
things, they nevertheless view with alarm the comin hither uv
Northerners who are Republikins and won't patronize Bascom,
and we pledge ourselves to bust the heads uv sich.
“Resolved, That we bust the heads only uv disturbin carpet-baggers.
“Resolved, That all Northern Republikins comin here is carpet-baggers,
and all Northern Dimokrats is not.
“This,” sed Josef, “makes the matter plain to the dullest
comprehension. Let em pass.”
I objected, but Bigler, stubborn ez a pair uv mules, insisted,
and ez by this time the church wuz half full uv niggers, which
he insisted shood vote, ez they wuz not only native born Kentuckians,
but many uv em hed the best blood uv Kentucky
runnin in their veins, it wuz passed over our heads, and the
meetin adourned, Bigler and Pollock, folloered by their adherents,
goin off in high glee. That cuss seems to take
a delite in spilin everything that the rest uv us undertake
to do. Ther's many short corners in Dimocrisy that must
be turned skillfully, and it's awkward to hev a man like
him bustin thro em like a bull in a china shop. But he
can't live alluz.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 582 -- p635-633
CLXXVIII. MR. NASBY NURSES THE LABOR MOVEMENT AT THE CORNERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 28, 1869.
[figure description] Page 582.[end figure description]
The agitashen uv the question uv niggers labrin with white
men in Washington reached the Corners four weeks ago, and
perdoost, ez mite hev bin expectid, most profound feelin. Our
white artisans assembled to-wunst and passed resolooshens in
sympathy with their brethren in Washington, and urgin uv em
to hold out to the bitter end rather than compermise their
dignity by lowerin themselves to the level uv the greasy Afriken.
The meetin wuznt a large one, for we hev only five
mechanics uv the hawty Caucashen race at the Corners, but it
wuz enthoosiastic. Three uv the five hed bin at Bascom's four
days, hevin bin jist paid off by a new-comer, for a house they
hed repaired for him, and they wuz in a frame uv mind for
most anything that wuz eggscitin.
I directed the attenshun uv these men to the fact that a nigger
plasterer wuz even at that time employed in plasterin a
house between the Corners and Garrettstown, and I askt em
ef they wuz content to lay still and see an inferior race take
the bread out uv their mouths in that way? I implored em,
ez labrin men, to preserve the dignity uv labor. Shel niggers
invade yoor okkepashens?
They wuznt none uv em plasterers, but they replied, “Never!
Never!” and demanded, with the utmost promptitood, to be
showd the wretch, that they mite go for him. But I restraned
em till I hed organized em into a Free Labor Unyun, which
perhibited anybody from workin at anythin which didn't jine
it, and wich perhibitid niggers from jinin it. This preliminary
work accomplished, I remarkt, “Follow me!” They did it
with alacrity.
On reachin the house we halted, and there our eyes rested
onto a site wich blarsted em. There wuz a nigger, a full-blooded
nigger, with a cap onto him, and overalls, plasterin
-- 583 -- p635-634
[figure description] Page 583.[end figure description]
away, whistlin and singin (sometimes one, sometimes another,
and then agin both to-wunst) Methodist hymns. And ever
and anon the unthinkin man of inferiority wood stop and execoot
a break-down, and laff to hisself, so that he could be
heard a mile. The disgustin wretch displayed his grovelin
nacher by drinkin water out uv a bucket wich he hed handy
by him.
We made short work uv it. We informed him that the
laborers uv the Corners hed organized a Union, and that no
one cood be permitted to work within its boundaries ceptin
members thereof.
“Berry well!” remarkt the Afrikin cuss, calmly puttin on a
dab uv mortar and smoothin it, “berry well! I'll jine the
Yoonyun.”
“But you can't. No nigger can be admitted.”
“Den I specks I shel hev to go on and work widout bein a
member. De ole woman and de babies must hab dar bread,
yoo know.”
Sich insolence cood not, uv course, be tolerated. We hed
stated the case to him calmly and dispassionately. We hed
informed him uv the laws we hed made, and this wretch deliberately
defied us, by insistin that he shood go on with his
work! Ther wuz but one course to take, and we took it. We
snaked the platform out from under him; we tore up his
mortar bed; we broke his trowel and other tools, and notified
him offishelly that any attempt at resoomin work would result
in lynchin uv him.
The next day we found that the nigger hed in trooth quit
plasterin, but hed found employment ez a striker in a blacksmith
shop. Uv course sich an outrage on the pure Caucashen
employed in that shop, wich his name wuz O'Toole, cood not
be permitted, and ez O'Toole refoosed to work with him, he
wuz discharged. The next day I notist him on the streets,
rather pale and haggard than otherwise, carryin home a shin
bone uv beef wich he hed bought. The next day after I observed
that he lookt better, and I diskivered that he hed found
employment at last on a turnpike road wich is bein built east
uv the town. Issaker Gavitt and me, the two champions uv
labor for this seckshun (ez we don't work we hev time to
-- 584 --
[figure description] Page 584.[end figure description]
attend to it), sejested to the noble Celts employed on the job
the hidjusnis uv compellin em to work on an ekality with a
nigger, and they struck agin it with the yoosual result. The
nigger wuz discharged. He made but one or two more efforts.
He undertook to git work at various places, but by this time
it wuz well enuff knowd that the citizens uv the Corners wuz
inflexibly opposed to the recognisin uv em in any capassity,
and he yeelded. He got very thin, and pale, and haggard, and
his large family likewise. It wuz evident that they wuznt
feelin very well at home. Notis the nateral result of freedom!
He ABSLOOTLY BEGGED! But uv course the Corners wood give
nothin to a nigger. Then the instinktiv nateral cussidness uv
the nigger — the infernal depravity wich is inherent into all
uv em — began to display itself. He demoralized rapidly, and
in a week became a most disgustin objick. He stole chickens
uv Deekin Pogram, leastways Deekin Pogram's chickens wuz
missin, and who should hev stole em but this nigger? He stole
corn uv Elder Pennebacker, and wuz finally detected takin a
ham from Bascom's smoke-house. There wuz no doubt ez to
his guilt; he wuz taken in the act, with the fatal ham in his
possession. He hed taken it home, and his wife wuz fryin
large slices uv it.
There cood be but one endin to sich a succession uv crimes.
The citizens were too much incensed to await the uncertain
ackshen uv the law, and they hung him at site. The Corners
will never tolerate a nigger theef in their midst, no how.
Uv course I improved the occasion. Ez his body wuz a
swingin in the air, I askt our people to behold the fruits of
Radicalism and Fanatycism. That nigger wuz wunst the happy
slave uv a happy owner; there wuz atween em a nateral relashen.
The nigger workt, and his owner eat, and thus wuz
fulfilled the entire dooties uv life. He wuz not hung then, for
he wuz worth too much money to hang. How hed it bin with
him sense? He demanded to be made a free man; he wuz
made a free man, and here he is. I told em that there wuz no
need uv sayin more; that body a danglin in the air, wich its
sole wuz a marchin on, wuz the most elokent sermon wich cood
be preacht.
The man whose house the nigger wuz a plasterin wuz in
-- 585 -- p635-636
[figure description] Page 585.[end figure description]
town yesterday, tryin to get Caucashin plasterers to finish the
job; but ez ther ain't none uv em here, he isn't succeedin very
well. He probably won't get into his new quarters this fall.
I am not certain not become uv his family. There wuz a
nigger woman's body pulled out uv the dam a day or two afterwards,
wich somebody remarkt wuz the wife uv the deceast,
and Captain McPelter remarkt that when he went to the cabin
uv the deceest nigger to secoor his share of the furnitoor, that
two leadin niggers from Garrettstown were notist makin off
with the children. But there's no tellin whether there's any
trooth in these rumors or not. I think I shel go to Washington,
and put myself at the head uv the anti-nigger labor movement
now bein inogurated there.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXXIX. MR. NASBY AND HIS CONFRERES HOLD A COMMERCIAL CONVENTION AT THE CORNERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 3, 1869.
Confedrit × Roads cannot be said to be, in the Northern
sense of the term, a prosperous town. The fact is, its railroad
facilities are not uv the best, the nearest one to us bein some
twelve miles away, and its other roads are not so gorgious ez
cood be desired. They are passable for wagons in Joon, July,
and August; for mules in April, May, September, and October;
and the balance uv the time they mite possibly be navigated
by flat boats, ef the citizens hed anything in pertikeler to
leave the town for, or ef anybody pertikelerly desired to come
to it.
The citizens, now that they are onct agin in full akkord with
the General Government, and bein thoroughly reconstructid,
-- 586 --
[figure description] Page 586.[end figure description]
felt that they hed borne neglect uv their interests in silence
ez long ez they cood be expected uv the impetuous Southern
nacher; and also, that the time hed come when the leadin cities
uv the South shood make some effort to avail themselves uv
the nateral advantages uv their position, and wrest from the
North the full share uv the trade uv the Continent, to which
they are entitled. We uv the Cross Roads felt that we hed
too long acceptid a second rate commershel posishen, and we
felt that we cood not endoor it longer. It wuz therefore resolved
to hold a commershel convenshen at the Cross Roads,
to take these matters into considerashen, with sich others as
mite suggest therselves.
Invitashens wuz sent to all the principal leaders uv the
Southern masses, and uv em it wuz confidently expected that
Breckinridge, Lee, and Boregard wood be present.
The convenshen assembled on the day sot. It was one uv
the largest and most enthoosiastic it hez ever been my lot to
attend. There was delegates present from Secessionville,
Davistown, Boregard, and all the towns in that section uv the
State, representin the intelligence and wealth uv the real old
Kentucky stock uv those localities.
General McDingus, late C. S. A., uv Secessionville, wuz made
President, with thirty-two Vice Presidents, wich comprised all
the delegates present. This wuz done, ez all uv em seemed to
want to be officers.
General McDingus stated the object uv the convenshen to be
the devisin uv means to increase the commercial importance
of the section, to develop her resources, to increase her manufakterin
interests, and to show the recooperative power the
South possesses. Kentucky wants manufakters, Kentucky
wants populashen, and to devise means uv gittin these is the
objick uv our assemblin. He begged the members to commence
to-wunst.
Kernel McPelter, from the Committee on Invitashens, wuz
about to perceed to read letters he hed received from prominent
Southerners, when Captain Podgers, of Davistown, begged
leave to offer a resolooshen. He saw sittin in the convenshen,
with ez much ashoorence ez tho he hed a rite there, a wretch,
with whose name he woodent sully his mouth, who hed come
-- 587 --
[figure description] Page 587.[end figure description]
from Massychoo — no, he woodent sully his mouth with the name
uv that State — from a ablishn State, and hed startid in Davistown
a factory for makin pig iron! employin therein thirty-five
men, which hed bot a plantashen uv a distrest planter, and put
thereon twenty houses, a skool-house, and a church! He stigmatized
this man ez a carpet-bagger. He hed been repeetedly
warned by the citizens uv Davistown to leave, but he hed lafft
at the warnin. On threatenin his factory, he hed armed his
operatives with double-barrelled shot guns, and with those hed
held the citizens at bay. This man hez strength enuff to keep
up his factry, but he shel not sit in convenshen with Southern
gentlemen.
Major Bangum remarkt that at Boregard they hed a different
way uv meetin these difficulties. A carpet-bagger from Pennsylvany
undertook to start a store at Boregard, but we nipt it
in the bud at the beginnin. We gave him twenty-four hours
to leave, and he left. Hed Captain Podgers commenst in time,
afore the evil took root, it cood hev bin eradicated.
Deekin Pogram statid that an attempt hed bin made to plant
a cotton factry on a water-power at Confedrit × Roads, and
give in detail the method adoptid to prevent it, both speeches
bein receeved with cheers, which showd that the Southern
heart wuz still ez Southern ez ever.
Captain Podgers offered the followin resolooshen: —
Resolved, That all carpet-baggers be requested to leave the
Hall doorin the session uv the Convenshen.
It was carried with loud applause, after which Captain McPelter
read the letters he hed received, or rather passed over
em to me to read, ez I do the most uv it for the Corners.
Jefferson Davis — President Davis, I exclaimed, ez I kist
the letter — regretted that he could not be present. His heart
still beats for the Sunny South —
I cood get no further with the readin uv this epistle. The
most enthusiastic and vociferous cheers it hez ever bin my lot
to hear broke from the throng in the buildin, Captain McPelter
endin with the genooine Southern chargin yell, at wich the
niggers in the vicinity uv the buildin grew pale and took to
the woods. They'd heard it before, and not bein advised that
the meetin wuz purely a Commershal Convenshen, they wuz
seriously affrighted.
-- 588 --
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General Boregard regretted that he cood not be present,
but —
Agin I wuz interruptid by cheers, wich made the very roof
shake, and the members uv the Convenshen threw up their
hats to an extent wich fairly darkened the air.
Letters wuz attempted to be read from other noted leaders
uv the South in the late unpleasantnis with the vandals uv
subjugatin States, but at the menshen uv each uv their names
the cheerin wuz so extraordinarily vociferous ez to prevent
anything bein heard.
At this pint, while the enthusiasm wuz at its highest pitch,
Deekin Pogram riz, and remarkt that Confedrit × Roads wuz,
he wuz aware, painfully defishent in many things. They hed
but one store, and that wuz run by a despicable carpet-bagger,
and Bascom's whiskey wuz not alluz uv the best; but one thing
she could boast uv, namely, her wimmen. “Stand up, Mirandy!”
he remarkt to that gushin damsel; “and the others
in the gallery may ez well rise likewise,” wich they all did,
wavin Confedrit flags, and bustin out into that ever-inspirin
anthem, “The Bonny Blood Flag.” “There,” remarkt the
Deekin, “there is our jewels. Three cheers for our daughters!”
The effeck uv this was somewhat spiled by a dozen or more
quadroons, risin with Mirandy and the rest uv em! That ojus,
demoralizin villin, Joe Bigler, who delites in spilin tetchin
tabloos, hed em snug in the gallery all the time, and he sprung
em onto us thus crooelly!
General Belter, uv Boregard, offered a resolooshen denouncin
the reconstruckshen measures, President Grant and his Cabinet,
the oppressive Nashnel debt, carpet-baggers, and the
Republican party; Major Flair offered one, implorin the
Northern Dimocracy to stand firm agin the constooshnel
amendment; Captain McPelter one, insistin on the revokashen
uv all laws bearin onto those who had served on the side uv
State rites doorin the recent collision uv States; all of wich
was adopted enthoosiastically, when the convenshen adjourned,
sine die.
The delegates, congratulatin each other on the noble work
that hed bin done for the South that day, took a partin drink at
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Bascom's at the expense uv our citizens, wich Bascom wood
not set it out till some responsible citizen, wich hed land with
not more than two mortgages on, wood make hisself responsible
for em, and wuz a gittin into the wagons to dust out to their
respective homes, when one uv em remarkt —
“We've forgot one thing!”
“No we hevint,” remarkt General Dingus. “We've done
every thing that's yoosual at Southern commercial convenshens.
We've cheered for Davis and Boregard; we've admired the
women, denounst the ablishen party, and demanded our rites—
wat more wuz there to do?”
“We haint sed a cussid word about commerce.”
“Thunder!” remarkt the General, “it's a fact. D—d ef it
didn't slip my memry entirely. We must assemble agin.”
And the meetin was again convened.
The work was accomplished in short order. Resolooshens
wuz passed demandin the buildin uv a railroad by the ginral
Government from Davistown to Secessionville, and four different
lines uv road to the Pacific, with branches endin at Confedrit
× Roads, Secessionville, Davistown, Boregard, and sich
other towns ez mite consider it to their interest to hev em.
In addition to these it wuz demandid that dredges be taken
from the harbors on Lake Erie and other Northern waters, and
kept twelve months in the year at work in Camp Run to keep
it navigable to the Ohio river for boats uv all classes. A resolooshen
wuz offered demandin uv the Government the buildin
of a levee around Deekin Pogram's farm, a part uv wich is
frekently overflowed in the spring and fall, and also the gravlin
or plankin uv the roads in the county, but it wuz considered
best to withdraw these, ez they didn't feel like askin too much
to-wunst. Other resolooshens wuz passed, demandin recompense
for the loss uv niggers, and property destroyed doorin
the war, in order that there might be that harmony so much
to be desired between the Government and Kentucky, and the
meetin adjourned, this time for keeps. Ef these acts uv justis
is done, well and good; ef not, Kentucky protests. The Convenshen
hez hopes uv results follerin its ackshen.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 590 -- p635-641
CLXXX. MR. NASBY AT LAST LOSES HIS POST OFFICE.
On a Farm, Three Miles from Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 29, 1869.
[figure description] Page 590.[end figure description]
The die is cast! The guilloteen hez fallen! I am no longer
Postmaster at Confedrit × Roads, wich is in the State uv
Kentucky. The place wich knowd me wunst will know me no
more forever; the paper wich Deekin Pogram takes will be
handed out by a nigger; a nigger will hev the openin uv letters
addressed to parties residin hereabouts, containin remittances;
a nigger will hev the riflin uv letters addrest to lottry
managers, and extractin the sweets therefrom; a nigger will
be. — But I can't dwell upon the disgustin theme no longer.
I hed bin in Washington two weeks assistin the Caucashens
uv that city to put their foot upon the heads uv the cussid
niggers who ain't content to accept the situashen and remain
ez they alluz hev bin, inferior beins. To say I hed succeeded,
is a week expreshen. I organized a raid onto em so effectooally
ez to drive no less than thirty uv em out uv employment,
twenty-seven uv wich wuz compelled to steel their bread, wich
give us a splendid opportoonity to show up the nateral cussidness
uv the Afrikin race, wich we improved.
On my arrival at the Corners, I knew to-wunst that suthin
wuz wrong. The bottles behind the bar wuz draped in black;
the barrels wuz festooned gloomily (wich is our yoosual method
of expressin grief at public calamities), and the premises generally
wore a funeral aspeck.
“Wat is it?” gasped I.
Bascom returned not a word, but waved his hand towards
the Post Offis.
Rushin thither, I bustid open the door, and reeled almost
agin the wall. At the general delivery wuz the grinnin
face uv a nigger! and settin in my chair wuz Joe Bigler,
with Pollock beside him, smokin pipes, and laffin over suthin
in a noosepaper.
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Bigler caught site of me, and dartin out, pulled me inside
them hitherto sacred precinks.
“Permit me,” sed he, jeerinly, “to interdoose you to yoor
successor, Mr. Ceezer Lubby.”
“My successor! Wat does this mean?”
“Show him, Ceezer!”
And the nigger, every tooth in his head shinin, handed me a
commishn dooly made out and signed. I saw it all at a glance.
I hed left my biznis in the hands uv a depetty. It arrived the
day after I left, and Isaker Gavitt, who distribbited the mail,
gave it to the cuss. Pollock made out the bonds and went
onto em himself, and in ten days the commishn come all regler,
whereupon Bigler backt the nigger and took forcible possession
uv the office. While I wuz absent they hed hed a percession
in honor uv the joyful event, sed perceshn consistin uv
Pollock, Bigler, and the new Postmaster, who marched
through the streets with the stars and stripes, banners and
sich. Bigler remarkt that the percession wuzn't large, but it
wuz talented, eminently respectable, and extremely versateel.
He (Bigler) carried the flag and played the fife; Pollock
carried a banner with an inscripshen onto it, “Sound the loud
timbrel o'er Egypt's dark sea,” and played the bass drum;
while the nigger bore aloft a banner, inscribed, “Where Afric's
sunny fountins roll down the golden sands,” with his commission
pinned onto it, playin in addishen a pair uv anshent cymbals.
Bigler remarkt further that the perceshun created a
positive sensashun at the Corners, wich I shood think it wood.
“It wuzn't,” sed the tormentin cuss, “very much like the
grand percession wich took place when yoo received yoor
commishn. Then the whites at the Corners wuz elated, for
they spectid to git wat yoo owed em in doo time, and the niggers
wuz correspondinly deprest. They slunk into by-ways
and side-ways; they didn't hold up their heads, and they dusted
out ez fast ez they cood git. At this percession there wuz a
change. The niggers lined the streets ez we passed, grinnin
exultinly, and the whites wuz deprest correspondinly. It's
singler that at the Corners the two races can't feel good both
at the same time.”
My arrival hevin become known, by the time I got back to
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Bascom's all my friends hed gathered there. There wuznt a
dry eye among em; and ez I thot uv the joys once tastid, but
now forever fled, mine moistened likewise. There wuz a visible
change in their manner towards me. They regarded me
with solisitood, but I cood discern that the solisitood wuz
not so much for me ez for themselves.
“Wat shel I do?” I askt. “Suthin must be devised, for I
can't starve.”
“Pay me wat yoo owe me!” ejakelatid Bascom.
“Pay me wat yoo owe me!” ejakelatid Deekin Pogram, and
the same remark wuz made by all uv em with wonderful yoonanimity.
Watever differences uv opinyun ther mite be on
other topics, on this they wuz all agreed.
“Gentlemen!” I commenced, backing out into a corner, “is
this generous? Is this the treatment I hev a right to expect?
Is this —”
I shood hev gone on at length, but jist at that minnit Pollock,
Joe Bigler, and the new Postmaster entered.
“I hev biznis!” sed the Postmaster; “not agreeable biznis,
but it's my offishel dooty to perform it.”
At the word “offishel,” comin from his lips, I groaned, wich
wuz ekkoed by those present.
“I hev in my hand,” continyood he, “de bond giben by my
predecessor, onto wich is de names uv George W. Bascom,
Elkanah Pogram, Hugh McPelter, and Seth Pennibacker, ez
sureties. In dis oder hand I hold a skedool ob de property
belongin to de 'partment wich wuz turned ober to him by his
predecessor, consistin of table, chairs, boxes, locks, bags, et
settry, wid sundry dollars worf of stamps, paper, twine, &c.
None ob dis post offis property, turned over to my predecessor
by his predecessor, is to be found in de offis, and de objick ob
dis visit is to notify yoo dat onless immejit payment be made
uv the amount thereof, I am directed by de 'partment to bring
soot to-wunst against the sed sureties.”
Never before did I so appreciate A. Johnson, and his
Postmaster-General Randall. Under their administrashen
wat Postmaster wuz ever pulled up for steelin anythin?
Eko ansers. This wuz the feather that broke the camel's
back.
-- 593 --
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“Wat!” exclaimed Bascom, “shel I lose wat yoo owe me,
and then pay for wat yoo've stole?”
“Shel I lose the money,” sed Pogram, “wich I lent yoo, and
in addishen pay a Ablishen government for property yoo've
confiscated?”
“But the property is here,” I remarkt to Bascom; “yoo've
got it all. Why not return it, and save all this trouble.”
“Wat wood I hev then for the whiskey yoo've consoomed?”
he ejakelated vishusly. “It's all I've ever got from you; and
I've bin keepin yoo for four years.”
“Didn't that property pay yoo for the likker?” I asked; but
Bascom wuz in no humor for figgers, and he pitched into me,
at wich pleasant pastime they all follered soot. But for Joe
Bigler, they wood hev killed me. Ez it wuz they blackt both
my eyes, and rolled me out onto the sidewalk, shuttin the door
agin me.
Ez I heard that door slam to, I felt that all wuz lost. No
offis! no money! and Bascom's closed agin me! Kin there be
a harder fate? I passed the nite with a farmer three miles
out, who, bein sick, hedn't bin to the Corners, and consekently
knowd nothin uv the changes.
I heard the next day the result uv the ruckshun. Bascom
returned sich uv the property ez hedn't been sold and consoomed,
wich consisted uv the boxes. The chairs hed bin
broken up in the frekent shindies wich occur at his place; the
locks hed bin sold to farmers who yoozed em on their smoke
houses; the bags hed bin sold for wheat, and so on. The
stamps, paper, twine, and sich, figgered up three hundred and
forty-six dollars, wich wuz three hundred more dollars than
there wuz in the Corners. Bascom advanced the forty-six dollars,
and the three hundred wuz borrowed uv a banker at
Secessionville, who took mortgages on the farms uv the imprudent
bondsmen for sekoority. Uv course I can't go back to
the Corners under eggsistin circumstances. It wood be uncomfortable
for me to live there ez matters hev terminated. I
shel make my way to Washinton, and shel see if I can't git
myself electid ez Manager of a Labor Assosiation, and so make
a livin till there comes a change in the Administrashen. I
-- 594 -- p635-646
[figure description] Page 594.[end figure description]
wood fasten myself on A. Johnson, but unforchnitly there ain't
enuff in him to tie to. I would ez soon think uv tyin myself
to a car wheel in a storm at sea.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Post Master).
CLXXXI. MR. NASBY RECEIVES A LETTER FROM HIS STEADFAST FRIEND.
Pepper's Tavern, Holmes Co., O., }
August 22, 1869.
I left the Corners the day after I lost my position, and,
without any speshal purpose, wandered up into my old stampin
grounds in Ohio. I wuz received with a corjality wich affected
me profoundly. Them wich hed bin turned out uv offises cood
sympathize with me, and them wich hed never got em, felt it
still more deeply, ez they eggsaggerate the benefit to be
derived from offishl posishen, and actilly wonder how a man
wich ever held an offis kin survive decapitashen.
I hed no difficulty in borrowin enuff dollars uv the sturdy
yeomanry uv this section to not only keep me afloat here for
a time, but to pervide again a passage through an Ablishn
country, ef sich need be. My expenses here will be light, ez
I am boardin and drinkin on tick exclusively. I told the landlord
the first day to mark it down, ez it wuz inconvenient to
make change fifty times per day. He possibly may wish he
hed taken the trouble to make change.
The sceen reminds me uv Bascom's so much that I actilly
shed teers. Democrasy is alike everywhere. Ther wuz the
bar, with the big-bellied bottle with tansy in it, and the big-bellied
bottle without tansy in it; ther wuz the box uv pipes,
the two lemons wich are doomed never to be yoosed, ez lemonjoose
weakens likker; ther wuz Pepper, the landlord, with his
sleeves rolled up, a leanin onto his elbows onto the bar; be
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[figure description] Page 595.[end figure description]
hind him a portrate uv Jackson, on his fomin steed, wavin his
sword towards the British, beside it a hand-bill for a mass Convenshun
uv the Deestrick last year, commensin with the trooly
orthodox line, “Do you want to marry a nigger?” in large,
black type, with a picter uv Wendell Phillips kissin a wench,
at wich the Democrasy hev indignated reglerly for ten yeers.
Seetid on bustid cheers, empty nail kegs, and leaning on the
bar, wuz a groop wich was simply a dooplikit uv the × Roads,
and so akkerit that I caught myself sayin “Deekin” lots uv
times. I sed “Captain” to a man who wuz so near like
McPelter, ez to justify the suspicion that the father uv the
present Hugh hed many yeers before bin a citizen uv that
visinity, but I wuz keerful not to do so agin. Ketchin me by
the throte, he sternly remarkt, “Sir! don't put any uv them
titles onto me, sir. I wuz no Captain, thank Heven.” He
wuz passified when I told him that his remarkable resemblance
to a Confedrit Captin occasioned the mistake, wich pleased
him so that he to-wunst askt me to take suthin. This opened
a new field to me, wich I worked. I diskivered to-wunst an
amazin resemblence between all uv em and distinguisht
Southern commanders.
We fell to talkin uv the old times wich tried men's soles, in
the earlier years uv the war. Pepper, the landlord, gave a
most affectin reminiscence uv the shootin uv two returned
veterans, in the very room in wich we sot. The spot on which
they fell he hed put the stove over, that it mite be kept sakred.
Mr. Bortle, an old saint, whose nose wuz lightin his pathway
to the toom, hed a more tragicle tale to tell. He wuz one uv
them wich sholdered his fowlin peece to resist the draft up in
this County, and wuz taken by bloo-coated hirelins and carted
off to Camp Chase, where he wuz kept in doorance vile for
weeks, with nothin watever to live onto but the yoosual rashens
uv a soljer! One old relic uv the war, wich his name it wuz
Babbitt, accompanied Vallandygum through the lines, wich
lines wuz commandid by Rosecrans. He wuz present when
that accursed villain — that tool uv the despotic ape, Linkin —
hed the impudense to aboose our martyred Saint, and his blood
biled ez he heered it.
The followin epistle reached me yesterday. I received it
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with mingled emoshuns. Ez I gazed at the familyer stamp
onto the envelope, wich I hed yoozed so many times, I kissed
it in extacy; ez I thot that it wuz inflicted onto the paper by
the hand uv a nigger, indignashen seezed me. But passin
this, I read ez follows: —
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
August the 19th, 1869.
My dear, dear Friend: Absence, it is sed, conkers love,
but that won't work in your case. I had tried to forget yoo,
and hed well nigh succeeded, but in overhaulin some papers
yesterday, I happened to come across some uv yoor notes of
hand for small amounts borrowed uv me at different times, and
I realized to-wunst the force of the old line, —
“Tho lost to site, to memry dear,”
and I bust out into a flood uv tears.
Crops is a totle failyoor here. The season hez bin favorable,
but we hev bin so entirely without labor that we put in but
very little seed. At the time we ought to hev hed our corn
plantid, Issaker Gavitt, Kernel McPelter, Elder Pennibacker,
and our sons wuz scourin the country to get enuff niggers to
plant for us, but ez they each hed land uv their own, they
woodent do it. So uv course there wuz none uv any account
put in. The little that wuz put in won't amount to nothin, ez
we coodent git niggers enuff to tend it durin the growin season,
and the weeds took possession uv it entirely. Joe Bigler
sejested that ef we'd spend half the time plantin uv it that we
did holdin meetins to devise ways to get nigger labor, we'd
hev a bustin crop. But yoo know Josef; he's a lost carikter;
he works with his own hands. One uv the most tetchin sites
I ever beheld wuz at Bascom's early in May, jist after our
committee had returned from a frootlis search after hands to
do our plantin. The entire Corners wuz present; but there
wuz a settled gloom onto their faces, wich even the refreshments
they wuz consooming coodent entirely dissipate. They
wuz grooped about the bar-room ez yoosual. Elder Pennibacker
wuz a leanin in a chair, with his back on a table, in the
corner, and the others wuz a sittin on kegs in various parts
uv the room.
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“Wo is us!” sighed the Elder, puttin his feet onto a keg,
that he mite rest easier, and pensively squirtin tabacco jooce
at a fly on the wall opposite, “where is the labor to plant the
corn? We shel starve!”
“Alas!” sighed the Deeken, shiftin his seat to get so that
he cood cock his feet agin the wall. “Alas! the minits is
creeping on; day succeeds day, and no corn in yet.”
“Yes,” replied Issaker Gavitt, rollin over onto his belly,
and histin hisself up onto his elbows, “this is the froots uv
Ablishnism. Ten years ago, when we hed our niggers, we
hed our corn all in by this time, and wuz ready to put em to
plowin on it out. Now that we are dependent onto our
labor —”
And Issaker groaned, and rolled over onto his back.
And so we sot, and sot, and mourned.
The result uv wich is, that there ain't an acre uv good corn
in the entire section. Wood that the Ablishnists, wich brot
all this onto us, cood see the rooin they hev wrought.
The prevailin topic uv discussion sence yoo left us hez bin
the trouble with Pollock and a Ablishn frend uv hizzen who
lives in Springfield, Illinoy, the restin place uv that human
goriller, A. Linkin, growin out uv the bond question. Yoo
remember three years ago the Corporashen ishood its bonds,
bearin 6 per cent, for $2,000, to bild a lock-up; and a yeer later,
when it wuz found nessary to gravel the road betwixt the
Corners and the stashen at Secessionville, so ez to redoose the
freight on the whiskey consumed by us, we ishood bonds bearin
eight per cent., to the amount of $4,000, both ishoos runnin
twenty-five years. These bonds were taken by Pollock and
this frend uv hizzen.
Last yeer we paid the interest on these bonds, but this year
the people felt that the burden wuz too heavy. They could
not reconcile theirselves to the idea uv sweatin to support in
idle luxury the bloated bond-holders, and the populis murmured
agin it. Wat to do we didn't know, till finally Elder Pennebacker,
who borrows my paper reglerly, remarked, “Eureker—
I've got it!” He hed bin readin the Dimocratic proposition
to tax bonds, and a lite dawned onto him.
“We'll tax these bonds of Pollock's!” sed the Elder, “and
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thus releeve ourselves uv this thraldom to the money power.
Thank Heaven, the people hevn't yet parted with all their
power.”
The segestion wuz acted on to-wunst. The Council wuz
assembled, and by a yoonanymous vote an ordinance wuz passed
levyin a tax uv eight cents onto the dollar on all bonds ishood
by the corporashun for moneys borrowed uv all sorts.
Pollock wuz away when the ordinance wuz passed, and it so
happened that he returned the very day that his interest wuz
due. Immejitly he proceeded to the Trezrer's office, wich is
Captin McPelter's, with his coopons. Captin McPelter receeved
him blandly, and, puttin the coopons away, tendered
him in loo thereoff a receipt for $320 taxes on them sed
bonds.
“Wat is this?” ejackilated the astonished Pollock.
“Taxes!” returned McPelter, smilingly. “We hev assessed
a tax onto our bonds uv eight cents onto the dollar, wich, it
happens, is just wat yoor interest is. We skorn repudiation—
we shel pay principal and interest — but we hev the rite to
tax bonds, and tax em we will.”
“Is the tax eight cents on the dollar on all bonds uv the
corporashen?” asked Pollock.
“Trooly it is,” sed McPelter.
“I hold also the bonds ishood a year before these for buildin
a lock-up, but wich only bear six per cent. The tax pays the
interest and two per cent. over; what will you do with that
two per cent.?”
“Do with it?” exclaimed McPelter. “Why, we shel apply
it to the payment uv the principal, uv course. The entire
revenoo uv the corporation is pledged to the extinguishment
uv its debt, and we shel not be recreant to our trust.”
Pollock went away, but McPelter hed a new idea. He immejitly
called the Council together, and sejested that the tax
on the bonds ought to be twelve instead uv eight per cent., ez
that tax would not only pay the interest on the 8 per cent
bonds, but would extinguish the bonds theirselves. The six
per cent. bonds wood not only be eaten up, but would leave
Pollock in debt to the corporashen long before they wuz doo.
The way uv escape from our troubles wuz so very plain that
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the Council to-wunst acceeded to it; and notis wuz given Pollock
uv the new ackshen.
Immejetly the craven wretch wantid to sell the bonds to the
city at half ther face, but the proposition wuz rejected with
skorn. The Council passed a resolooshn rebooken him for
intimatin that the Corners wood not live up to its obligations.
“Ez much ez we loathe yoo,” remarked Elder Pennibacker,
the Municipal President, “we shall pay yoor bonds, dollar for
dollar, principal and interest; requiring yoo, however, to
bear sich taxation ez may be levied onto yoo.”
“But ez the tax eats up both interest and principal, what
do I get for my money?” askt the stiff-neckt man.
“The protection uv our laws!” thundered Pennibacker.
The people wuz so indignant at this Ablishnist meddler for
his objectin to so ekitable a proceedin that they mobbed his
store, and wood hev hung him, but fer the interference uv Joe
Bigler, who is alluz where he ain't wantid. Ez it wuz, he wuz
arrestid for breedin disturbances, and fined $20. He tendered,
in payment uv his fine, a corporashun bond, but the Justis
refoozed, very properly, to take it, and held him till he shelled
out a greenback from his ill-gotten hoards.
Pollock feels sore, but we don't. Releved from these bonds,
the Corners will hev no taxes to pay, and we confidently expect
a return uv the prosperity to wich we hev bin so long a
stranger.
Yours, with affeckshun,
Elkanah Pogram.
P. S. — Ef you get into a good thing and kin spare it, do
remit a porshen at least uv wat you owe me. Times is tite
here. E. P.
Ez I finisht his movin epistle, I cood not help thankin the
Lord that in one spot at least the Democracy practis wat they
preach. Thank Heaven for Kentucky.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
-- 600 -- p635-652
CLXXXII. MR. NASBY ATTENDS A CONVOCATION OF THE DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK.
Noo York, November 20, 1869.
[figure description] Page 600.[end figure description]
I attendid, by speshl invitashun, a meetin uv the inflooenshl
workin Democrats uv Noo York, wich wuz called to lay
out the work for the incomin Legislacher. The meetin wuz
held at Hiberny Hall, wich, ez the occasion wuz one relatin to
the Government uv the State and city uv Noo York, wuz perfoosely
decorated with the green flag uv Ireland, harps, sunbursts,
and other emblems uv a patriotic nacher, while a brass
band on the platform enlivened the perceedins by playin, at
regler intervals, “The Wearin uv the Green.”
Dennis Macarthy wuz called to the chair, and Patrick Maloney
wuz made secretary. Some one sejested a man named Biggins
for secretary, urgin that Biggins cood rite; but his name wuz
agin him, and Maloney wuz yoonanimusly chosen. It wuz
afterwards discovered that Biggins wuz really an Irishman, and
they immejitly made him assistant secretary. A committee,
consistin uv Messrs. O'Doherty, O'Malley, O'Grady, O'Toole,
and O'Shaughnessy, reported ez committee on resolushens,
Messrs. McShane, McDonoho, McGragan, McEvy, and McVay,
wich reported ez follows: —
That, representin the Democrasy uv Noo York, we demand
uv the new Legislacher the immejit repeel uv the Excise Law,
all the laws bearin on whiskey, all the laws takin control uv the
city uv Noo York out uv the hands uv the Democrisy uv the
city, the repeel uv all the Metropolitan poleece laws, and the
restorashen uv the appintin uv the poleece to the Mayor, where
it ought to be; in short, the repeel uv all the laws passed by
the Ablishun Legislachers uv the past ten years.
Mr. Patsy O'Brannon urged the passage uv the resolooshens
yoonanimusly. He shood, uv course, be a sargent in the new
poleece force, and in addishen to that he hed a brother wich
landid the day before the eleckshen, wich brother, like a troo
Amerikin, votid four times, wich must hev a place on the force.
-- 601 --
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He (Mr. O'Brannon) felt that he coodent support him much
longer, and onless he got his brother a place soon he wood hev
to go to work.
Mr. O'Shaughnessy wantid to know ef men landid in November,
and who hed only voted at one eleckshun, wuz to step in
and take office over the heads uv vetrans wich hed bin here
two and three years? Ef sich things —
Mr. Baldwin moved that no man be recognized ez eligible
for an offis, or even contrack, wich hed bin in the country less
than three months.
Mr. McShane shood vote agin that moshen. He hed one
brother to whom he hed written to come to-wunst, who wood
be cut out for three months if the moshen passed, and he
(McShane) coodent afford to board him so long.
Mr. McGrath should also oppose it. Anticipatin a repeel uv
the ojus laws wich hampered the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, he
hed got a frend to write to two brothers and four cousins to
sail immejitly, to fill posishens uv poleecemen and skool directors
and sich, and he hed another brother who wood come ez
soon ez his time wuz out in the prison at Liverpool, who must
be provided for. He wood vote for no sich moshen. It wuz lost.
Mr. O'Shaughnessy wanted a moshen instructin the Legislacher
to not only put the appintin power in the hand uv the
Mayor, but to immejitly double the poleece force uv the cities
uv the State wich hev Democratic majorities.
Mr. McCoole moved to amend, by requirin all sich cities to
commence to-wunst the buildin uv Court Houses, in which
shape it wuz carried.
Mr. McGeoghegan wished to call the attenshen uv the meetin
to the fact that the Mayor uv the city hed appinted two
janitors in the City Hall, one uv wich wuz born in Connecticut,
and the other in Noo Jersey. A committee wuz about to be
appinted to call upon the Mayor to remonstrate, when it wuz
made known that the places hed bin originally given to two
brothers named McGrath, who hed sold em to these men, and
the subjick wuz dropped.
Before the explanashen wuz made there wuz much feelin
manifested, but when the facts were made known three hearty
cheers wuz given the Mayor.
-- 602 -- p635-654
[figure description] Page 602.[end figure description]
Mr. O'Sullivan desired to know whether, with a Dimocratic
Legislacher, there wood be hangin for killin naygurs?
Mr. O'Shea remarked, in answer, that he didn't see wat the
Legislacher hed to do with that matter. Ther never hed bin
hangin in Noo York for nigger-killin, the Lord be praised, and
he hed no fears ther ever wood be.
Mr. O'Sullivan wuz pleased to know it. He hed bin in the
country but a short time, and did not fully understand the
customs. He rentid his house uv a naygur, but he shood pay
rent no more. It wuz acknowledgin ther superiority.
It wuz also resolved that to prevent mistakes and errors,
when the appintments for the different offises in the city come
to be made, that each applicant be required to state wich
county uv Ireland he comes from.
After some other bizness the meetin adjourned.
Wunst on a time a native uv a Western State, lookin at a
Democratic procession in this city, remarked ef he hed enuff
inflooence at Washinton he wood ask to be appinted Amerikin
Consul to Noo York. I see now the pint to the remark.
Ef I conclood to stay here I shel change my name to Michael,
practise the shellalah, and take to short pipes. O, why wuzn't
I born in Cork?
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
CLXXXIII. SETTLED AT LAST. — THE CITY OF NEW YORK TO BE HIS FINAL RESTING-PLACE.
In the 6th Ward uv Noo York, }
December 10, 1869.
The dove wich Noah sent out come back to the Ark becoz
the waters kivered the land; when the dove found a dry spot
it come back no more. I am a dove. I wuz sent out from the
Corners, but the prevalence uv water druv me back, time and
-- 603 --
[figure description] Page 603.[end figure description]
agen. Now, thank Heaven, I hev found a spot wher ther is no
water (at least I've never seen any used here for any purpose),
and here I stay. My foot hez found a restin-place.
I am the sole proprietor uv the “Harp uv Erin” saloon.
The original proprietor uv the “Harp uv Erin” died the
evenin uv the last eleckshun, much regretted by his politikle
assoshates. He hed only voted thirteen times, when in an
argyment techin the merits uv his candidate, ez compared
with his opponent for the nominashen, he wuz hit with a brickbat,
and died with his day's work half done. The man who
struck him wuz expelled from the society to wich he belonged
for killin an able-bodied Democrat before the closin
uv the polls.
How I got possesshen uv the s'loon I shel not state. Suffice
it to say, it became mine, and the stock likewise, and that I
shel never hev occashen to leave it. Here I shel live, and
here I shel die. Uv course I've decorated it to soot the tastes
uv my patrons. I took down the portrate uv Jackson, and cut
off uv the bottom the words, “The Yoonyun, it must and shel
be preserved!” and substitootid, “He serves his party best
who votes the most,” wich I read to those who drop in ez the
last words uv the Hero uv Noo Orleens. I hev an Irish flag
turned round an Irish Harp over the bar, and portrates
uv the Head Centres uv the Fenian Brotherhood, properly
wreathed, all about the room. On the end uv the bar, in the
spot where in other neyborhoods the water-pitcher stands, I
hev a box with a hole in the top uv it, inscribed, “Contribushens
for the benefit uv our suffrin brethren in English Basteels
may be dropped in here.” That box more than pays my rent.
Then I hev quite a cabinet uv sakred relics. I hev a piece uv
the rope wich hung John Brown; the identicle club wich
killed the first nigger in the riots uv July, 1863; a bullit fired at
the Triboon offis at that time, with other sooveneers dear to the
Democratic heart, wich attract many. These hang onto the
walls, and underneath them I hev the prices uv drinks inscribed,
with the stern, cold words, “No Trust.”
I inoggeratid my establishment last Wednesday nite. Rememberin
the terrible endin uv all my other innogerashens, I
declined at fust to make any formal openin; but my friends
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[figure description] Page 604.[end figure description]
insisted that it wuz the custom uv the ward, and that I must
do it.
“Nobody will buy yoor likker,” sed one, “ef yoo don't make
a regler openin.”
“Ef I make a regler openin,” sed I, “I won't hev a drop to
sell em. Stay — I hev it. I'll go before a Justis uv the Peece
and take a solemn oath not to drink anything myself that nite.”
“`Twon't do,” sed my friend. “Oaths don't count in this
ward.”
Various plans were sejestid. One gentleman proposed that
I shood be tied down so that I coodn't git at the likker, and
that he shood do the honors. His nose wuz agin him, and I
declined his proposishen. Finally I hit upon a plan. I calkilated
that twenty gallons wood anser, and I put that amount in
a barrel. The balance uv the stock I locked in a room, and
then put the key away in a drawer.
“There,” sed I, triumphantly, “afore that twenty gallons is
eggsausted I shel be too far gone to know where the key to the
room holdin the balance uv the stock is. Saved! saved!”
It resultid ez I anticipatid. At first we hed speeches and
toasts. Mr. O'Rafferty replide to the toast, “Our adoptid
country.” He sed the term, “Our adoptid country,” wuz a
happy one, fur so fur ez Noo York wuz conserned, the sons uv
Erin hed adoptid it. He hed bin charged with a lack uv love
fur this country. He repelled the charge with skorn. Why
shoodn't he love this country? In wat other country wuz
votes worth a dollar apeece? Where else cood sich a man ez
he hev so high a posishen ez Alderman, and only two yeers on
the grounds.
Mr. O'Toole jined in the sentiment. Where else under the
canopy cood a man like hisself, who coodn't read, be a skool
direcktor? He hed often bin thankful that he hed turned his
face toward Ameriky the minit his time wuz out in the prison
at Liverpool. Ther wuz less risk in holdin offis in Noo York
than in burglary in England, and the results wuz shoorer.
Ther wuzn't much more speech-makin. The drinkin went on
fast and furious tho, and ez I antissipatid, before the twenty
gallons wuz eggsaustid I wuz very drunk, and incapable uv
any effort, mental or physikle, and the others were in very
-- 605 -- p635-657
[figure description] Page 605.[end figure description]
much the same predicament. Four or five uv em did try to
rouse me to git more, but it wuz uv no use; they mite ez well
hev whispered Grey's elegy in the ear uv a dead mule. The
most uv em slept, ez I did, on the floor till mornin.
I shel be happy here. I hev the steddy patronage uv two
Aldermen, three skool direcktors, and four contractors, and
when the Mayor gits the appintin uv the poleece there will be
twelve poleecemen whose trade I kin count on. There in my
back room is where the preliminary caucuses fur the ward is
held, and I shel be paid fur wat the managers drink till I git
an offis myself. At last my lines is cast in pleasant places.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz P. M.).
CLXXXIV. MR. NASBY GIVES A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF HIS NEW ESTABLISHMENT.
6th Ward, Noo York, }
December 22, 1869.
I am perfectly and entirely happy; for I hev formed a number
uv deliteful acquaintances in this trooly grate city, wich
makes my pathway pleasant and cheerful. I hev added to the
decorashuns uv my bar portrates uv Sammon P. Chase,
Fernandy Wood, and Pendleton, one uv wich is shure to be our
standard-bearer in the next contest, wich colleckshun I shel
keep addin to ez I git the means. I hev a stiddy run uv trade,
and I am seldom alone, which soots me exactly. But few men
like to be alone. A man is bad company for hisself, for he
alone is the only one who knows percisely how cussed mean he
is. The two Aldermen who paternizes me pay ez they drink,
wich paternage alone is almost suffishent to support me, ez
they are conscienshusly industrious drinkers. They pay, not
becoz they hev any particular prejoodis in that direckshun,
but becoz money costs em nothin, and becoz, likin my face, they
hev a desire to keep me among em. One of em was pleased
-- 606 --
[figure description] Page 606.[end figure description]
to compliment me yesterday. “Nasby,” sed he, “that nose uv
yoors indicates more certenly yoor politicks than wat yoo
say. The heart is deceetful, and the tongue ofttimes speeks
what the heart doth not prompt; the nose kin never lie. It's
alluz safe to approach sich a nose with a cash offer to do dooty
ez a repeeter. Two more hot whiskeys, and one for yoorself
while yoo are at it.”
Isn't it a pleasure to mix drinks for one who combines
shrewd knowledge uv human nacher, whiskey, and ready pay,
in sich correct proportions? Uv course it is. But my buzzum
friend is Terrence O'Sullivan, who is perhaps the most regular
customer I hev. Mr. O'Sullivan is one uv the oldest Democrats
in Noo York, it hevin bin three years sence he left Cork.
It is not known wat he wuz before he left Ireland. Ther wuz
a pockitbook and a watch mixed up in it, the pertickelers uv
wich I never got. On his release, Mr. O'Sullivan perceeded to-wunst
to Noo York, and commenst life ez a laborer on an
excavashun on Broadway. Forchunitly six weeks after he
landed an eleckshun took place, and he immejietly got employment
ez a repeeter. Doorin the war he was engaged in
enlistin hisself under various names fur the bounty, the monotony
of wich ockkupashun he varied by occasional burglaries
and operations in the street on intoxicated Western men.
He hez bin second and bottle-holder in many prize-fights,
and hez an interest in two unpretendin faro banks and one
lottery shop.
Uv course Mr. O'Sullivan holds office. Hevin one hundred
and sixty-three votes at his control, he is skool direcktor, inspeckter
uv Boa Constrictors in Central Park, clerk to three
boards, and in addishen, hez a sub-contract for street cleanin.
Ez ther ain't no Boa Constrickters and no Boards, and ez the
streets are never cleaned, why, Mr. O'S. hez a tolerable soft
thing uv it, or wood hev were it not that he hez to divide his
salaries up among so many. But, nevertheless, he lives comfortably
and happy.
Mr. O'Sullivan hez a brother who is at this time an inmate
uv the State Prison at Sing Sing, for highway robbery, and
last Monday we went up to Sing Sing to see him. We arrived
jist ez the convicts was a marchin in to dinner, and took
-- 607 --
[figure description] Page 607.[end figure description]
posishen where we cood see em, so that Mr. O'S. cood point out
his unforchunit relative to me ez they passed.
“There he is — good Hevins!”
“Wat agitates you, my friend?” I asked.
“Look!” sed he, “the fourth man in the file.”
I saw at onct wat agitated him. His brother was the fourth
man in the sixth file, and side by side with that brother, a
white man, wuz — A NIGGER! both dressed exactly alike.
“Hevins!” ejackilated O'Sullivan, “is this thing permitted
in the Democratic State uv Noo York? Hev we fought nigger
ekality at the polls so many years to hev it practised here,
in a Democratic State under Democratic offishls?”
“And here, too, where only Democrats is degraded by it!”
I put in.
We sought out the Warden, and demandid that the infamous
practis be changed. The Warden sympathized with us, but
sed it coodn't be. There wuz no provision in the laws governin
the prisons uv the State for keepin niggers separate. “You
see,” he remarked, “it's only now and then that any uv the
degradid race git here, and there's no provision made for em.
It can't be helped.” “Then,” sed O'Sullivan, “do I understand
that the Democrisy uv Noo York city is to be continyooally
threatened with nigger ekality?”
“They are till the Legislacher changes it,” retorted the
Warden.
We left the prison shortly after that, Mr. O'Sullivan in a
most melankolly mood.
“Nasby,” sed he finally, after a silence uv perhaps half an
hoor, doorin wich time he wuz plunged in the deepest thought,
“Nasby, it's all up with me. I shel never break into a house,
or pick a pocket, or go through a drunken man agin. Wat I
have seen to-day hez determined me. I shel never agin take a
chance uv goin to Sing Sing. Why, it mite be my forchoon to
be put beside that nigger!”
And a shudder uv ill-concealed anguish agitated his frame,
and the strong man wept bitter teers.
I comforted him ez best I cood. I told him that should he
be arrestid for, say a murder, be tried and convicted, and sent
to the penetenshary, and be forced to march side by side with
-- 608 --
[figure description] Page 608.[end figure description]
a nigger, “the disgrace,” I sed, “won't be yoors, 'twill be the
infamous retches who put yoo there. If yoo shood, of your
own free will, put yourself on a level with a nigger, — for instance,
ef yoo shood buy of or sell to an Ethiopian, — then the
degredashen wood be yoors, for yoo mite hev asserted yoor
sooperiority. But in the case uv State's Prison, I reely think
yoo put too much stress onto it. In that case a sooperior power
compels yoo to this, and yoo ain't responsible. Were I in yoor
place — hed I sich promisin prospecks ez yoorn — I don't
think I shood permit this to stop me.”
But Mr. O'Sullivan wuz inflexible. He shood quit all practices
wich pinted in the direckshun uv a penetenshary, for it
would kill him to be compelled for a minit to eat, work, or walk
beside a nigger, even tho he wuz compelled to do it.
Then an idea struck me! Brilliant idees alluz do come to
me precisely the rite time. “Why, yoo cussed jackass!” sed
I, fallin onto his neck, “why do we talk uv this. Now that the
Democracy hez the Legislacher, and will hev the control uv the
city in all its departments, no Democrat who hez a dozen votes
back uv him will go to the penitenshary. But few of em did
afore, when the Ablishnists hed the poleece, but now that we
hev Judges, poleece, and all — why, my deer sir, the chances
is ez one to a million. Go on with yoor burglary, my sweet
Terence; go in and win, with no gaunt fear stalkin like a
spectre behind yoo.” Mr. O'Sullivan returned to the city with
me, comforted, that is ez to hisself. But he is determined that
the wrong shel be remedied. He declares it his purpose to
petishn to the Legislacher to pass an act makin seprit prizens
for niggers, that Democrats uv the city may not be perpetooally
menaced with the possibility that they may be compelled to
assoshate with em; or wot wood be still better, they wood hev
hangin made the only punishment for niggers, wich wood finish
the cusses to-wunst, and end all anxiety on their account. Sich
a petition is now hangin in my bar, and I read it to all who
cum in, and in no case hez any one uv em refoosed to make his
mark onto it. This will be the first reform the new Legislacher
will be called upon to make.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz P. M.).
-- 609 -- p635-661
CLXXXV. THE FRIENDS OF MR. NASBY HOLD A MEETING AND INDULGE IN A WAIL OVER THE PASSAGE OF THE FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT BY THE OHIO LEGISLATURE.
6th Ward, Noo York, }
January 24, 1870.
[figure description] Page 609.[end figure description]
The passige uv the 15th Amendment by the Ohio Legislacher
created a profound sensashen in this immejit visinity.
The news reached us in the afternoon, and that evenin a large
meetin wuz held in the back room uv my grosery to express
our views on the topic, the elect uv the Democrisy uv the ward
bein present. I wuz uv course called to the chair, and Tommy
Mick Farland, who wuz wunst a reporter, till an overpowerin
fondnis for likker preventid him from dischargin his dooties, and
who, ez he kin write, hez since made a livin by actin ez Sekretary
uv Dimekratic meetins in this ward, wuz made Sekretary.
Terence O'Grath, who is an under waiter at the Astor
House, remarked that his sole wuz filled with woe. The passage
uv the Amendment, by the Ohio Legislacher, settled the
question uv nigger suffrage. From this time forward a menial
race, only fitted by nacher to do menial offices for others, wood
be placed on a ekality with him. It wuz degradin to the
race uv freemen to wich he belonged, and for one he wood
never, no, never submit. Mr. O'Grath wood hev continyood
his remarks, but he wuz cut short by the entrance uv the head
waiter, who cussed him viggerusly for bein away from his
place, and ordered him instantly to leeve. “Who's brushin
the gentlemen's coats, and pullin off their boots, and sich,
while yoor here blatherin?” indignantly ejackilated the head
man, ez Mr. O'Grath meekly left the room.
Timmy Brannon, a drayman, remarkt that he wuz entirely
discouraged. Only last week he hed bin arrestid and fined for
beatin his hoss over the head with a dray pin, and now kin
nothin be dun to check these outrages?
Thomas Patterson, Esq., a gentleman known in pugilistic
circles ez “Patty the Lifter,” wantid to know whether he wuz
-- 610 --
[figure description] Page 610.[end figure description]
to be compelled to go to the polls twenty times a day beside
niggers? “Blast my heyes,” remarkt Mr. Patterson, vehemently,
“I'll go back to Hold Hingland first!”
Mr. Phelim Malloy remarkt that so far ez Noo York wuz concerned
he didn't know ez 'twood make any diffirence. He
wuz entirely shoor that no nigger wood ever vote in the Sixth
Ward, anyhow, ez we don't allow only sich white men to vote
ez we want to hev vote. But —”
“But s'posen they'll all vote the Dimocrathic tikket?” sung
out an Alderman.
“That woodent's do us any good,” retorted Mr. Malloy. “So
long ez we kin repate ez often ez needs be, and stuff into the
boxes ez many votes ez we want, wat do we want uv more
voters? What he wuz about to say wuz, that while it wooden't
affect us in Noo York, his sole run out in pity towards the
Dimocrisy in the Ablishen distriks, who wood be compelled to
vote with niggers, — compelled to stan by helplis, and see the
ballot-box thus degradid.”
At this pint there wuz a gineral expreshun uv joy, okkashund
by the entrance uv Mr. John Sykes, who hed jist arrived from
Sing Sing, where he hed been incarcerated two years for burglary,
which wuz complicatid with shootin the individjooel whose
house he wuz burglin. His bein convicted and sentenced wuz
owin to the fact that he hed opposed the nominashen ov the
Judge afore whom he wuz tried. Mr. Sykes wuz, uv course,
indignant at the unfair treetment he had experienced, but he
wuz more profoundly affectid at the politikle sitooashen than
he wuz at his privit wrongs. “Thunder! To think,” sed he,
“uv sich a mass uv ignorence, vishusness, and crime bein elewated
up to us. Ef 'twant for some little matters connectid
with a half dozen house-breakins in Lunnun, I'd go back on the
next steamer ez sails.”
And Mr. Sykes actilly wept.
At this pint an unfortunit difference occurred. Alderman
O'Fallon wuz offerin a resolooshen protestin agin the assoshatin
uv free men with the lower and more vishus classes ez tendin
to corrupt the sanctity uv the ballot, when Mr. Patsey Carney
entered. “Pay me the money ye promised me for the ten
votes I brot ye off the emigrant ship last fall, ye spalpeen!”
-- 611 --
[figure description] Page 611.[end figure description]
“I've paid it twice, ye blaggard; and, be gorra, there wuz only
nine uv em, and one uv them wuz a legal voter, for wich ye
hed no right to ask pay for!” retortid O'Fallon.
“To the divil wid yez!” remarkt Carney, goin for him. Uv
course the entire meetin jined in the scrimage. It lastid twenty
minits, resultin in the breakin uv every chair in the room,
a two-gallon jug, and twelve or fourteen heads. That relic uv
Ablishen misrool, the Metropolitan Poleece, kum in and stopt
the row, takin away ten men, nine uv wich I knowd hed money
in their pockets, wich, hed they stayed an hour, I shood hev
got. It wuz exasperatin.
Two uv my stiddy customers, who hed bin overcome early
in the afternoon, and who hed jist got up out uv the straw
which I keep in a room for the accommodashen uv sich, insistid
that they'd never consent to givin uv polittickle power to the
degradid wretches. They felt that the very proposishen was
a outrage. “Besides,” one uv em remarked, “wat effeckt will
the makin uv sich an army uv new voters hev upon the price
uv votes? Ef they vote at all in this city they'll hev to vote
with us. Will they immejitly demand their share uv the offices?
Imagine my bein arrestid for vagrancy by a nigger poleceman!”
And the very thought so shockt him that he rusht out into
the bar-room and took a whisky strate, forgettin, in his excitement,
to pay for it.
Resolooshens were introdoost and passed, denounsin the
ackshen uv Ohio, and exhortin Noo York to stand firm in her
rescindin uv the ratificashn. Addishnel resolooshens wuz
passed, demandin uv the Legislacher uv Noo York a stricktly
Democratic government. We insisted upon the immejit repeel
uv the Excise Law, the Metropolitan Poleece laws, the laws preventin
crooelty to animals, the health laws, the dividin uv the
Skool Fund among the Catholic churches, and all the laws which
tend to keep Ablishnists in office, to the injoory uv the s'loon
keepers uv Noo York. This last mentioned class wuz added
at my instance. Ef the poleecemen on this beat wuz all taken
from my patrons, ez they will be when the change finally comes,
wat a good thing I wood hev uv it. Imagine twenty or thirty
men, all on good salaries, and with power to arrest and go
-- 612 -- p635-663
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through jest sich ez they please, and all uv em spendin half or
three quarters uv their time in my bar-room! Majestic prospeck!
Governor Hoffman wood insist upon hurryin up this
thing ef he realized how much we who electid him are losin
by his non-ackshen.
My biznis is tollable only. My customers are gettin in the
habit uv remarkin to me, “jist mark it down,” after takin a
drink, which, sence I stand inside uv a bar, I find to be a most
disgustin thing. And then my custom is bein divided. Sence
the Democratic victory in November makes a change in the
control uv the city certin, five stores in the immejit visinity uv
my place hev bin changed into s'loons, and each one draws
off suthin from me. But yit I make no doubt I shel git along.
My landlord will be a candidate for Alderman next spring, and
he can't afford to bother me very much for rent, and I am bizy
establishin a credit at half a dozen wholesale lickker stores. I
shel worry along.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
CLXXXVI. MR. NASBY IN A DESPONDENT FRAME OF MIND.
Looisville (wich is in the State of Kentucky), }
February 9, 1870.
I don't know that reely there's any more yoose in livin on
this earth. The Fifteenth Amendment is adoptid, and a nigger
Senator will take the seat in the Senit wunst okkepied by
that marter, Jeffson Davis. It's about time for me to go hentz—
I hev no desire to remane. I wood like to stay long enough
to consoom the contents uv a red-headed barrel in the backroom
uv my blessid grosery in Noo York, into wich I hain't, ez
yet, put no water, and probably I will. I think I shel go
home, shut myself up in that back room, drink that partikeler
barrel dry, and fall dead across it. Like Sardanapulus, my
kingdom being gone, my funeral pile shel be my throne.
-- 613 --
[figure description] Page 613.[end figure description]
I came on to Kentucky to aid by my counsel the Dimocrisy
uv that State in the present crisis. The nigger Revel hez a
seat in the Senit uv the Yoonited States, and, uv course, no
white Kentucky Dimocrat kin so degrade hisself ez to set in
that body beside him. I expected, uv course, that Garret
Davis and McCreery wood immejitly resine, and ez no native
born Kentucky Dimocrat wood take the place, and ez Kentucky
could not afford to be representid by a Ablishnist, it
okkurred to me that possibly there mite be a chance for me.
I am a Northern Dimocrat by birth, and Northern Dimocrats
have alluz done sich work for the Southerners ez the Southerners
countid too dirty for em. The only thing wich cood
stand in the way wuz the fact that I left Kentucky a year ago,
and am now a citizen of Noo York. But wat uv that? I kin
swear I am a citizen uv Kentucky — I hev bin in Noo York
politics enuff to be able to swear to anything.
At all events I went on to my old State, and got together a
caucus uv the Dimocratic members uv the Legislacher to consider
this thing.
The Chairman uv the caucus remarkt that the signs uv the
times indikated trouble. Kentucky, ef that nigger wuz admitted
to the Senit, wuz virchually disfranchised, for uv course
Davis and McCreery cood not remain in their seats beside him.
No Kentucky gentleman wood disgrace his proud State by
practically takin to his buzzum a male member uv an inferior
race — acknollegin his equality, and workin quietly with
him. Never! Sooner than see this he wood be willin to see
the States further South inoggerate another struggle for their
rites, in the event uv wich, Kentucky, troo to the Yoonyun,
ez before, wood preserve a strict and dignified nootrality by
sellin horses and provender impartially to both armies. He
hoped the gentlemen wood express their views freely.
A gentleman from the eastern part of the State offered the
following preamble and resolushen: —
“Wareas, The Senit of the Yoonited States is about to admit
to a seet in that body a nigger; and,
“Wareas, No Kentucky Dimocrat wood degrade hisself by
sittin beside a nigger; therefore,
“Resolved, That Hon. Garret Davis be instructed to resine
to-wunst.”
-- 614 --
[figure description] Page 614.[end figure description]
The resolooshuns passed to-wunst, without a dissentin voice,
and were sent by telegraph to the Senators at Washington,
after wich I begged permission to offer a remark. I sed that
uv course no Kentuckian cood be found to take them places
made vacant by the two eminent men who wuz about to leeve
the Senit, but nevertheless Kentucky coodent afford to go unrepresented.
Is there no Northern man uv Kentucky principles
who will rush to the front at this crisis?
Twenty gentlemen sprang to their feet. The one who got
the eye uv the chairman remarkt that Kentucky shood alluz be
represented by Kentuckians. Davis and McCreery cleerly
ought not to stay. They shood resine to-wunst ez a protest
agin this outrage, but ef Kentuckians cood be found who
wood accept the places they should be found. Takin em, ez
they wood, ez a necessity, there woodent be the stigma attached
to em that there wood be to the present incumbents ef they
shood remane, and possibly sich mite be found.
The Chairman doubted whether there wuz a Kentuckian
who hed so little respeck for hisself. Ef a Kentuckian wuz
selected, it should be from the membership uv the Legislacher.
He felt that it wuz the dooty uv some two uv em to sacrifice
theirselves on the altar uv their State. It wood be a bitter
degredashun for a man, filled with the memories uv the past,
to choke down nateral pride, and take a seet by a nigger, but
some one must do it. He wood sejest that the members proceed
with system in this matter. Let us designate, by ballot,
our wishes. Let us vote for a man to fill the place to be made
vacant by G. Davis, and let the member upon whom this dooty
devolves accept the sacrifice in the troo Kentucky sperit.
Gentlemen, prepare your ballots for a successor to Davis, and
get ready to shed a friendly teer over the fate uv the man
upon whom the degredashun falls.
This wuz agreed to, each member remarkin that no matter
who wuz chosen, there wuz no law to compel him to be electid
and set beside a nigger.
The members each voted; the votes were counted out, and,
horror! EACH MEMBER HED PRECISELY ONE VOTE, and the loosenis
uv the hand-writin on the tikkits made it painfully certin that
each member hed votid for hisself! Ez my hopes wuz bustid,
-- 615 -- p635-666
[figure description] Page 615.[end figure description]
I coodent help singin out that a more self-sacrificin body uv
men I never saw!
Then commenst the most fearful squabble I ever witnest.
Gentlemen got by the ears, and pistols wuz drawd, but jist ez
they were gettin ready for a sekkond ballot, a dispatch wuz
received from Davis and McCreery, statin that while they appreshiated
the degredashen uv their sitooashen, and felt it
keenly, nevertheless, ez Kentucky must be represented in
the Senit, they rather thought they woodent resine at all! Ef
they knowd their own hearts they thought they'd hold on to
their seets. They might as well be sacrificed as anybody.
The gentlemen mostly remarked “H—l!” as this epistle
wuz read to em, and disperst without the formality uv an adjournment.
I hevent ez much faith in Dimocrisy ez I yoost to hev. I
sposed that when that nigger wuz finally admitted, that evry
Democrat in the Senit wood resine; but wat do I find? Not
one hez done it, and whole Legislachers uv Democrats are
willin to take seats beside him!
Wat kin we expect when men are so recreant to their manhood?
Is it any wonder that I am tired uv life? I shel go
home to Noo York to-wunst.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz P. M.).
CLXXXVII. THE FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT.
Harp uv Erin S'loon, 6th Ward, }
Noo York, April 2, 1870.
The proclamation uv the President announcin the ratification
uv the Fifteenth Amendment prodoosed a profound sensashen
in this Ward.
It wuz told to our people by a reporter uv a daily paper at
11 o'clock this mornin, and it got pretty well around among us
-- 616 --
[figure description] Page 616.[end figure description]
by 3 this afternoon, wich wuz tollably rapid, considerin that
intelligence in this Ward hez to be conveyed orally. In the
afternoon it wuz resolved that a meetin be held in the evenin
to consult ez to wat ackshen the Dimocrisy shood take in the
matter, wich wuz akkordingly so done. I hed the back room
lit up, the barrels moved into a safe place under the strongest
kind uv locks, and the bar closed and draped in mournin in
token uv the hoomiliashen wich I felt had fallen onto the people
in consekence uv this outrage. I hung crape onto the
door; I put crape around the portraits uv Jaxon, Chief Justis
Chase, Bookannon, and Fernandy Wood, and likewise around
the bottles and over the red-headed barrel, wich gave the
establishment a highly funereal and mournful look wich wuz
entirely satisfactory.
In the evenin the Dimocracy assembled, and a more enraged
gatherin I never saw. They wuzn't jist clear ez to wat the
President hed done; indeed the most uv em wuz labrin under
the impreshn that the enfranchisement uv the nigger wuz
the work uv the Democratic Legislacher at Albany, and
ther wuz indicashens uv a determinashen to go thro some
of the houses uv the Dimocratic members in this city, but I
stopt em by tellin em the strate uv it.
I asoomed the chair, uv course, and hed, in addishen, to do
the dooties uv Sekretary, bein the only one then in the meetin
who cood write.
Teddy McGinnis remarked that he felt a hoomiliashen wich
wuz actooally beyond expreshen. The dirty nagur wuz now
his ekal. The only difference between em hed bin removed
by this infamus law. Does any one spose that he'd iver
consint to vote all day beside niggers? Niver! He called
upon the Dimocracy to jine him in a croosade agin em. “Follow
me,” sed Teddy, “and in Noo Yorrick, at least, we won't
be bothered with nagur suffrage, be gorra.”
Pat McLaughlin held simlar views. Sooner than vote beside
nagurs, he'd relinquish the biznis uv votin altogether, and go
to sawin wood. Repeetin is a good enuff biznis, and the small
conthract wich he hed, ez a reward thereof, wuz betther, but
he coodent stand nagurs, nor woodent. His voice wuz for
killin uv em.
-- 617 --
[figure description] Page 617.[end figure description]
The others made similar speeches, when Sandy McGuire
offered a resolooshen that the offerin uv a vote by a nagur be
considered ez a declarashen uv war agin the Democracy uv
Noo York, and that they then be immegitly exterminated.
Sandy wuz for no half-way measures. He remembered the
glorious Jooly days in 1863, when the Democracy uv Noo York
assertid itself. He hed assisted in destroyin the nagur orphan
asylum; with this good rite hand he hed beat out the brains
uv two nagurs, to say nothin uv the wimin and children
wich he didn't consider worth countin. He longed to get at
em agin.
The meetin bein all so yoonanimus in their feelin, I wrote
the follerin resolooshens: —
“Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, considerin and
beleevin the nigger to be a beast, a burlesk on hoomanity, and
incapable uv dischargin any uv the dooties uv citizenship, do
hereby protest agin his bein give the ballot on an ekality with
white men.
“Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, ruther than
submit to this degredashen, pledges itself to the exterminashen
uv the accussid race.”
The resolooshens wuz adoptid without a dissentin voice, and
the enthoosiastic McGuire, brandishin a shillala, rushed out
and attackt a couple uv niggers wich wuz passin, and knockin
em down, stamped onto em vigrously with his boots, exclaimin
the while, “Want to vote, do yez!”
The meetin wuz about to break up, when Tim O'Grady, a
man uv Fernandy Wood's, come rushin in. He hed heard uv
the meetin, and come immejitly to see about it. I told him in
a breath wat hed bin done. “Thunder!” he remarkt to me
in a whisper, “this won't do. Yoo eggrejis old ass, the
niggers hev votes, and will vote now in spite uv us. We
must git em, for without em, with all the rebels disfranchised,
wat kin we do in the Southern States? Call the meetin to
order agin.”
I didn't like the tone uv his alloosion to me, but I called the
meetin to order onct more.
O'Grady remarked to em that there hed bin a misunderstandin.
He felt ashoored that the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, alluz
-- 618 --
[figure description] Page 618.[end figure description]
the friends uv the oppressed and down trodden, wood now
genrously extend a helpin hand to our colored brethren jist
elevated to full citizenship. The Dimocrisy hed not assisted
in their elevashen, but they hed no feelin agin our brethren
uv color. When our colored brethren come to analyze the
matter, they wood love the Dimocrisy the more for not doin uv
it. He wood move the substitooshen uv the follerin resolooshen
for the one wich hed bin unadvisedly passed: —
“Resolved, That the Democrisy uv Noo York hail with a feelin
uv pleasure wich we hev no words to express, the elevashen
uv our colored fellow-citizens to full citizenship, and that we
pledge ourselves to pertect em in the enjoyment uv ther
newly-found rites.”
The meetin didn't want to pass it. The feelin agin em wuz
too deep sot to be rooted out in a minit, but O'Grady wuz
determined. O, wat a minit wuz that! Wuz the niggers to
be killed by us, or wuz they to be taken to our buzzums.
Ther fate hung tremblin in the balance? Finally it wuz put
to vote, and the niggers wuz safe. By one majority the resolushen
wuz passed.
At that minit a groan wuz heard outside.
“What is that,” asked O'Grady.
“Some nagurs I jist now bate!” remarks McGuire.
“Beatin niggers!” sed O'Grady. “Good Lord, bring em in.”
And he rushed out and brought in the two unfortunates.
They were badly banged up about the face, and breast, and
stumick, and legs, but O'Grady wuz ekal to the emergency.
He washed their wounds, and revived em with whiskey, and
bound up ther sores, and finally sot em on ther feet.
“McGuire!” sed he, when he hed the work finished,
“McGuire, embrace em.”
McGuire hed his shillala in his hand. Never did I see a man
so torn with contendin emoshens. Nateral instinks compelled
him to drop that shillala on their heds ez usual, but the
politikle considerashens restraned him. Twict under O'Grady's
eye he lowered it, until at last he dropt it, and fell sobbin with
emoshen onto their buzzums.
I took the crape off the door, bottles, and picters, and
immejitly illoominated in honor uv the event, and the next
-- 619 -- p635-670
[figure description] Page 619.[end figure description]
mornin I put up a placard at my door, “No distinkshen at this
bar on account uv color. Ekal rites!”
The ward committee is takin prompt and vigerous ackshen
to secoor this vote. They hev adoptid the same means they
yoose to control ther other vote. They hev already startid ten
s'loons, run by colored men, to wich they give all the profits,
and are arrangin ten more. There will be a nigger or two put
onto the police to-wunst. The force will be increased enuff to
make room for these new ones, ez we darsn't discharge any uv
the Irish. I'm goin for em also. Those wich I kin git to drink
my likker will vote my tikket. It will fetch em sure.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
CLXXXVIII. MR. NASBY ATTEMPTS TO GET POSSESSION OF THE NEGRO VOTE.
Harp uv Erin S'loon, in the Sixth Ward, }
Noo York, April 12, 1870.
The Noo York World, in a recent ishoo, remarkt that the
Nigger vote must come to us, becoz the Dimocrisy had alluz
hed success in managin the ignerant and degradid classes.
This determined us to set about sekoorin the vote uv the nigger
populashen in our ward immejitly. Father McGrath insisted
that it be done to-wunst, becoz the minit they become
Dimokrats the way wuz paved for their comin under the speritooal
direckshen uv the Catholic Church; Timmy McGee insisted
that it shood be done bocoz the element, ef opposed to
us, mite become dangerous; Timmy O'Ryan, becoz we hed
either to incorporate em into our ranks or kill em, and he
didn't beleeve it wood pay to raise another riot jist now; and
I wantid em attached to our party becoz I wantid em in front
uv my bar reglerly.
We decided that the shoorest way to git at em wood be to
-- 620 --
[figure description] Page 620.[end figure description]
git one nigger interestid with us, who wood serve ez a decoy
duck to bring in the others. We wantid a nigger to assoshate
with; to embrace and sich; to show other niggers that we
cood and wood affilyate with em. We hed a terrible time a
gittin uv it startid, however. We got one uv that race in my
back room, and attempted to argoo the questions uv the hour
with him, confident in our ability to crush him by facts into
submishen to our doctrines, but the mizable devil pulled out
uv his pockit a copy uv the Constooshn, and askt Teddy the
Lifter to read and constroo a sentence therein, which finisht
that pertikler effort. Teddy, and Patsy O'Rourke, and Micky
Doolan, who hed him in hand, startid back at the site uv that
book ez tho they hed been shot. The cuss cood read, and
wat cood any uv em do with sich a man?
We caught a sick nigger, and hed him in tow three days.
We nussed him, and fed him, and hed in a doctor for him,
wich doctor give him medicine and Dimocrisy in ekal doses,
all uv wich he seeminly gulped down with ease. We got him
on the skore uv gratitood, and he went away, promisin that he
wood jine us, but the second day he came back, and laid down
on the bar twenty dollars, with the remark that that sum wood
pay for all the cost and trouble we hed been to on his
account.
“What do yoo mean?” sed I, sternly, sweepin the money
into the drawer, however, to make sure uv that.
Bustin into a paroxysm uv teers, he remarkt that ez low and
mean a nigger ez he wuz, he coodent reely jine us. It wuz unfair
in us, he sed, to take advantage uv his illness to put him
under obligashens to us.
“I can't be a Dimokrat,” he sobbed, claspin his hands piteously,
“I can't, reely. I hev a gray-haired mother livin, and
a younger sister! I can't! I can't! for I'm spectably connected!”
And he rushed out. It wuz forchnit for him that I wuz
alone at that time.
All our efforts to sekoor a Ethiopian to our standard seemed
to come to naught, and we wuz just on the confines uv despair,
when one mornin Johnny O'Shoughnessy came rushin in, exclaimin,
“I've got it — I've got it!”
-- 621 --
[figure description] Page 621.[end figure description]
“Got wat?” I askt.
“The nigger we want. In the Polece Court there's a nigger
up for drunkenness, vagrancy, steelin, assault and battery,
and some other things, and ez he hezn't a blasted cent, uv
course he'll be sent up in short metre. We kin git him shoor,
ef we go about it quickly. I got the Judge to hold on a bit
till I cood see you.”
To-wunst I seed a lite. Rushin frantically down to the
court-room, I gave myself ez bail for his appearance, wich the
Judge, who is a politikle friend of mine, acceptid, without
question, and seezin the nigger by the coat collar, I hustled
him off to my place in triumph. Tim Doolan spoke up.
“Will yoo,” sez Tim, “ef we get yoor discharge, promise to
alluz vote the Dim —”
“Hold!” sez I quickly, for I wuz afeerd Tim's thoughtless
precipitancy mite rooin all. “Hold! He ain't in condishen to
hev that question put to him. Wait a minnit. I understand
wat's required to make a convert better than yoo do.”
And seezin a bottle from behind the bar I put it to his lips.
The nigger drank with a eagernis wich gave me hope. Teddy
spoke up agin, —
“Will yoo promise to alluz vote —”
“Hold!” sed I. “He hain't enough. Drink!”
And the nigger emptied the bottle.
“Now,” sed I, “are yoo willin to promise to alluz vote the
Dimocratic tikkit; to labor with your colored brethren to
bring em into the fold uv the Dimocrisy, and to do your level
best to promote the interests uv the Dimocratic party, now and
forever?”
The nigger, by this time crazy drunk (the likker wuz from
my own private bottle and unwatered), swore that he would
promise all this. “Gib me some mo' dat whiskey,” he shrieked.
I gave him another bottle, and in fifteen minits he wuz
sleepin the deep sleep wich the tite man only knows.
In about four hours he awoke, and I thought it time to approach
him on the main question.
“Ceezer,” I remarkt, “you must commence yoor work to-nite.
We shel git up a meetin uv colored men at this place
for the purpose uv organizin a Colored Democratic Club, and
you must address em.”
-- 622 --
[figure description] Page 622.[end figure description]
“Must I indoose em to jine a Dimocratic Club?” he asked.
“Certinly.”
“Did I promise to do it?”
“Certinly,” I replied; “and, my buck, yoo'd better keep that
promise or I'll hev yoo back in the dock at the Polece Court
in a jiffy.”
“I'll do it,” sed he, with the desperate air uv one who hed
determined that life ain't worth livin for, and is prepared for
anything. “I'll do it, but I must hev likker enuff to drown my
con — wich is to say, give me nerve.”
“Certinly,” I replied, “all the likker you want, but speek
yoo must.”
The nite come, and there wuz a decent show uv niggers in
the back room. But the speeker! Alas! he wuz too far gone
to speek, and I hed to dismiss em.
The next mornin he swore he never wood do it; and to git
him to the pint uv consentin I give him more likker, and he
got drunk again, and so on it went, all the week. The fix we
wuz in wuz suthin like this: —
1. We coodent approach a nigger who hed any standin or
inflooense.
2. When we capcherd sich a wun, he woodent hev anything
to do with us when he wuz sober; and to hold him, we hed to
keep him drunk.
3. When drunk enuff to stay with us, he wuz too drunk to
do wat we wantid.
After squandrin on this poor wretch at least a half barrel
of ez good likker ez ever soothed my shrinkin sole, I wuz compelled
to hev him re-arrested and sent up for a year or two. I
coodent stand no sich drain on my finances, nor cood I bear to
see so much likker wastid on a nigger.
The cuss took his sentence joyfully. “It's hard,” he sed,
“but it's better than wat yoo perposed.”
This nigger question is the problem uv the age. How it
will be solved puzzles me. May Heaven send us wisdom.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
-- 623 -- p635-674
CLXXXIX. A FEW LAST WORDS. — THE WRITER HEREOF BIDS HIS READERS FAREWELL, AND HURLS A TRIFLE OF EXHORTATION AFTER THEM.
Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 12, 1870.
[figure description] Page 623.[end figure description]
Poets hev remarked a great many times, too tejus to enoomerate,
that “farewell” is the saddist word to pronounce wich
hez to be pronounst. It may be so among poets, wich are
spozed to be a continyooally carryin about with em a load uv
sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich; but I hev never found it
so. The fact is, it depends very much on how yoo say it,
under wat circumstances, and to whom. Wen, in my infancy,
I wuz inkarseratid in the common jail uv my native village, in
Noo Jersey, a victim to the prejudisis uv twelve men, who
believed, on the unsupportid testimony uv three men, and the
mere accident uv the missin property bein found in my possession
(notwithstandin the fact that I solemnly asshoored em
that I didn't know nothin about it, and if I did it, it must
hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I hed bin guilty uv
bustin open a grosery store, and takin twelve boxes of cheroot
cigars, I asshoor yoo that, at the end uv the sentence, —
hevin bin fed on bread and water, — the sayin of farewell to
the inhuman jailer wuzn't at all onpleasant. Likewise, when,
in the State uv Pennsylvany, in the eggscitin campane uv
1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminent and gilelis
patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz hauled up therefor, and
sentenced by a Ablishn Judge to a year in the Western Penitentiary,
after an elokent speech, in wich I reviewed the
whole question at issue between the parties, and ashoored
him that my triflin irregularity in the matter uv votin grew
out uv an overweenin desire for the salvashen of my beloved
country, — that, feelin that rooin wuz ahead uv us, onless that
leveler Fremont wuz defeated, I felt that my conshence wood
not be easy onless I did all in my power to avert the evil, —
when I emerged from them gloomy walls, with one soot of
-- 624 --
[figure description] Page 624.[end figure description]
close, and a tolable knowledge uv the shoemakin biznis, wuz
it a sad thing for me to say “Farewell” to the grim jailer,
whose key turned one way wuz liberty, and tother way wuz
captivity? Nary.
These two instances, I beleeve, is the only ones in wich I
hev ever hed to say farewell. In the course uv my long and
checkered career (I do not here allood to the style uv clothin
in the Penitentiary), I am, when I think uv it, surprised at
the comparatively few times wich I ever left a place at wich I
hed bin stayin, in daylite! I ginerally went in the nite, —
“Foldin my tent like the Arab,
And ez silently steelin away,”
hevin too much sensibility to be an onwillin witnis uv the
agony of landladies, when they diskivered that I cood not
pay. Knowin the softnis uv my heart, I hev alluz hed a great
regard for my feelins.
I bid my readers farewell in a period uv gloom rarely
ekalled, and never surpast, for the Democrisy. Never in my
recollekshun wuz the party in sich a state uv abject cussitood.
The Northern States have slipt from our grasp one by
one, ontil none remains wich we kin fondly call ourn. The
Border States are losin their Dimocrisy, and rallyin under the
black banner uv Ablishinism; and the States which we kin
control hevent got strength enuff to do any more than to send
a few Senators and Representatives to Congress, wich don't do
us no good. They are very like the itch, — they irritate, but
don't kill.
The Fifteenth Amendment is now a law, and the nigger
votes. The Nigger Votes! Ther ain't no doubt about it.
The Dimocrat uv Kentucky, uv Ohio, uv Noo York, and Injeany
must, from this time hentzforth and forever, go to the poles
beside niggers, and must stand by calmly, and put his ballot
into the box beside theirn! Wat degredashen! Lovejoy wuz
killed in vain, and the mobbins uv Garrison, and Baily, and
the other apossels uv Ablishnism goes for naught. Methinks
I see the gosts uv Lovejoy, and Lundy, and John Brown, a
hoverin in the air, and clappin their sperit hands, and shoutin
in sperit voices, Halleloojy! Methinks I see over agin em the
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gosts uv Wigfall, and Mason, and the other worthies, wringin
their sperit hands, and sheddin speritooal tears! Niggers at
the ballot-box — niggers on joories — niggers in offis — niggers
on railroads — niggers in churches — niggers everywhere!
Thank Heaven I am an old man, and can't live long,
anyhow. I hev fought a good fight — but, Heavens! how I
hev bin walloped.
Nevertheless, Dimocrisy will not die. It hez endoored sich
defeats afore, and hez survived. So it will this time. It is
passin through the valley and the shadder now, but it will
emerge yit in the sunlite uv victry. Suthin will come in
time, — what, I can't, with any degree uv certinty, now state;
but suthin will come. The Ablishnists cannot alluz rool. The
cuss uv the old Whig party wuz, that the respective individooal
members thereof cood read and write, and hed a knack
uv doin their own thinkin, and therefore it could not be brot
into that state uv dissipline so nessary to success ez a party.
That same cuss is a hangin onto the Ablishnists. They hung
together from 1856 to 1860 coz there wuz wat they called a
prinsipple at stake; and on that prinsipple they elected Linkin.
They wood hev fallen to peeces then, but our Southern
brethren decided to commence operashens for the new goverment
it hed so long desired; and the overwhelmin pressur
uv the war smothered all miner ishoos and all individooal
feelin, and they hung together long enough to see that thro.
But now that question is settled. The nigger — cuss him —
is free, and hez the legitimit result of freedom, the ballot.
The iron bond wich held em together is gone, and they will
split, and our openin is made.
We hev a solid phalanx, wich they can't win over or detach
from us. We hev them old veterans who voted for Jaxon,
and who are still votin for him. We hev them sturdy old yeomanry
who still swear that Bloo Lite Fedralism ought to be
put down, and can't be tolerated in a Republikin Goverment,
and who, bless their old souls! don't know no more what Bloo
Lite Fedralism wuz than an unborn baby does uv Guy Fawkes.
We hev that solid army uv voters whose knees yawn hidjusly,
and whose coats is out at elbows, and whose children go barefoot
in winter, while their dads is a drinkin cheap whiskey, and
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damin the Goverment for imposin a income tax. We hev the
patriotic citizins whose noses blossom like the lobster, and we
hev Ireland. There is ships a sailin the bloo sea forever, and
so long ez a Irishman kin git to the coast with money enuff to
pay a passage to Ameriky, so long we kin depend on reinforcements.
The Pope uv Rome is our friend, and so long ez ther
is a Pope and a distillery, so long will there be a Dimokratic
party in the Yoonited States.
These classes argyment won't move, and reasonin won't tetch.
They alluz hev ben ourn, and they alluz will. In this country
ther will alluz be two parties, and these elements will alluz act
with us, becoz they are naterally ourn. They belong to our
organizashen, and woodent be comfortable anywhere else.
They will be with us in obejence to that law in Nacher wich
puts evrything in its proper place. We hev the proper assosiashens
for these classes, and no others. Nacher never wastes
nothin — she gives us all we kin enjoy. The bird that soars
into the bloo empyrium wuz made to soar into the bloo empyrium,
and consekently wuz provided with holler bones and
wings. Sposn the elefant shood hev a cravin to soar into the
bloo empyrium (I like that word — its hefty), woodent it be
continyooally mizable becoz it coodent sore into the bloo empyrium?
Likewise. Nacher alluz makes a stingy man lean and thin.
Why? Becoz. Spozn nacher shood give a mean man the
entrales and stumick uv a liberal man and a good liver. Don't
you see that his hevin the sed entrales and stumick, and the
desires appertainin, and the meanness that prevented his fillin
em, wood make him mizable? So, ez nacher didn't give him
the disposition to fill stumick and entrales, she didn't also give
him the stumick and entrales to fill. All uv wich goes to
show that he who is fitted to be a Dimekrat will be a Demokrat,
and that ez the Millenium is a long way off, there will
alluz be enuff so fitted to make a tollably strong party.
The discouraged Dimokrat may say that preechers, and
noosepapers, and Sundy skools, and sich, are underminin their
party. In time they will, but not yet. Uv wat danger is
preechers to these men, when yoo coodent git one uv em with,
in gun-shot uv one? and wat harm is noosepapers to em, when
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they can't read? Besides, we are not at the end uv our resources
yet. When the wust comes to the wust, there is the
nigger left us. It isn't certin that we won't control him evenchooally.
They ain't educated ez yit, and Dimocrisy never
yet failed to control all uv the lower orders uv sosiety. They
hev the lowest grade uv the furriners; they hev Delaware
and Maryland; they hev Noo York city and Suthern Illinoy;
and ef we kin git at him afore he reaches the spellin-book, he's
ourn beyond peradvencher.
Then there's new territory to be acquired, wich is full uv
material for us. There is Mexico a ripenin for us. That country
wood cut up into at least twenty States, wich, added to the
ten we hev, wood make a clean majority wich we cood hold for
years. Massachoosets cood do nuthin in Mexico. The Greasers
ain't adapted to Massachoosets. Ef they sent their long-haired
teachers there with their spellin-books, they'd end their labors
by lettin a knife into their intestines for the clothes they wore,
wich wood put a check on the mishnary biznis. They are, it is
troo, several degrees lower in the skale uv humanity than the
niggers, but then they ain't niggers, and we cood marry em
without feelin that we'd degraded ourselves. Mexico affords
us room for hope; we never shel run out uv material for Dimocratic
votes until she is convertid, and but few mishnaries
wood hev the nerve to tackle her.
Therefore I say to the Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer! Ther's
a brite day a dawnin. Ef we are laid out agin and agin, we
kin console ourselves with the reflection that we're yoost to it,
and we kin go on hopin for the good time that must come.
Let us hold onto our faith, and continyoo to run, hopin eventooally
to be glorified. Let us still cherish the faith that evenchooally
the American people will not refooze the boon we
offer em, and persevere even unto the perfeck end. When
this good time is come, then will the anshent Dimocrisy, uv
wich I hev bin to-wunst a piller and ornament for thirty years,
triumph, and layin off the armor of actooal warfare, I shel rest
in that haven uv worn-out patriots, — a perpetooal Post Offis.
May the day be hastened! Farewell!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich wuz Postmaster).
-- --
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“CUSSID BE CANAAN!”
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A LECTURE
DELIVERED AT MUSIC HALL, BOSTON, DEC. 22, 1867.
We are all descended from grandfathers. Nearly a century
ago the grandfathers of some of us, in convention assembled,
uttered as doctrine, which they believed could not be gainsayed,
these words: “We hold these truths to be self-evident,
that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are
life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”
Thomas Jefferson was the particular grandfather who wrote
these high-sounding words, and, as a consequence, he has been
ever since hailed as the father of the only political party which
never believed in them. My particular mission is to show that
Jefferson was a most shallow person, which opinion of Jefferson
is very general in the South. True, the Democracy claim
him as its father; but when we remember that the same party
claim Jackson, the strangler of secession, as another father, we
can easily see how that can be. We have claimed these men
as ancestors only since they departed this life. Should they
rise from the dead, and be blessed with a view of their reputed
sons, particularly the branch of the family that has taken up
its residence in the city of New York, they would, I doubt
not, hold up their hands in horror, and exclaim, “It's a wise
father who knows his own child.”
It was well enough for Jefferson to assert the equality of
men before there was profit in inequality; but had he been
really a prophet, he would have done no such thing. In his
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day Slavery was unprofitable, and, consequently, not the holy
thing it has been since. The slaves were burdens instead of
aids, for the planters were compelled to provide for them.
The hogs ate the corn, and the negroes ate the hogs, leaving
the poor owners only what they left. But happily there came
a change. An ingenious Yankee invented the cotton gin,
slave labor became valuable, and, presto! the doctrine of the
equality of men was consigned to the limbo for worn-out and
useless rubbish, and Jefferson went out of fashion. Had he
been really desirous of being held up as the prophet of the
people who afterwards claimed him as such, we should not
have had the forcible sentences I have read. He would have
diluted them into something like this: “We hold these supposed
truths to be tolerably self-evident, that, as a rule, all
white men are created equal; that they are endowed by their
Creator with divers and sundry rights, which may be considered
inalienable; that among these are life, liberty, and the
pursuit of — niggers!”
It will be observed that the two Declarations differ somewhat.
One is as Jefferson wrote it, and the other is the version
we use at Confedrit × Roads.
Jefferson was in fault in his lack of appreciation, and strange
omission of the word “white.” The same omission is painfully
observable in all the literature of the world. I have searched
faithfully the realms of poetry and history, and am compelled
to acknowledge that nowhere outside of the Constitutions of
certain States is the word “white” made a necessary prefix
to the word “man.” And against this I protest. Literature
should conform to law, and to the great Caucasian idea. The
term employed to designate responsible beings in the Constitutions
of our States being “white male.” I insist that we go
through all our books, and substitute “white male” for “man”
wherever the word occurs. Thus we shall make Sir Walter
Scott say, —
“Breathes there a white male, with soul so dead.”
Addison shall say, in Cato, —
“When vice prevails, and impious white males bear sway,
The post of honor is the private station.”
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In Macbeth, the murderers shall say, —
“We are white males, my liege.”
And Macbeth shall answer, —
“Aye, in the catalogue ye go for white males.”
And Othello, before the senators, —
“She swore, i' faith, 'twas strange — 'twas passing strange; —
'Twas pitiful; 'twas wondrous pitiful.
She wished she had not heard it, yet she wished
That Heaven had made her such a white male.”
But in the Bible the improvement would shine out in a
clearer and stronger light. In our Caucasian — our white
men's Bibles — we shall have such words as these: —
1 Samuel 13: 14, —
“A white male after his own heart.”
2 Samuel 12: 7, —
“And Nathan said unto David, Thou art the white male.”
Psalms 37: 37, —
“Mark the perfect white male, and behold the upright; for the end of that
white male is peace.”
“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God, and thy white male fellow-citizen as
thyself.”
And in the mouth of our Saviour we shall put these words: —
“Suffer little white children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of
such is the kingdom of heaven.”
This passage would be especially grateful to us of Kentucky,
showing as it would that the distinction between the races
would be kept up through all eternity. But, unfortunately, the
Books do not so read. The American people, when slave
labor became of value, forsook Jefferson, put the word “white”
into their laws, and painted the word “nigger” on their banners,
which word has been a political Shibboleth ever since.
It is this Nigger which we shall investigate to-night. I am
the more anxious that the people shall understand the nature
of this being, and the absurdity of the attempt to elevate
him into manhood, for the reason that an effort to that end is
now being made. The insane agitators, who deny the truth of
Kentucky theology, are resisting us in our efforts to put him
in his old place. In the face of our desires, they insist upon
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deluging the country with Massachusetts, and making of the
South a second New England, — factories, farms, churches,
school-houses and all.
Upon the 957th page of the Dictionary you will find the
word “negro” defined as follows: “One of the black, woolly-headed,
thick-lipped, flat-nosed race of men inhabiting Africa.”
The Negro of the Dictionary is not the individual of whom I
shall speak. The Negro I know nothing about; the Nigger
I have spent much time in investigating, and flatter myself I
understand it thoroughly. I say it of the Nigger, and him of
the Negro, for there is a wide difference between them. The
Negro is a man, born in Africa, or descended from natives of
that country; the Nigger is an idea, which exists only in the
imagination of persons of the haughty Caucasian race resident
in the United States. It is an idea which sways men,
and influences their action, without having being; a myth,
which influences the world, without possessing form or shape.
It is possessed of many attributes, is many-sided, many-shaped,
vastly endowed, and fearfully and wonderfully made. To clear
up as I go, I may as well specify some of the peculiarities of
the Nigger. For instance, it is firmly believed that he could
never provide for himself; but those so contending, also declare
that the wealth of the country is dependent upon him, and
that without him weeds would grow in the streets of our cities.
It was asserted that he would not labor; yet the same men
undertook the large job of conquering the North, that they
might continue to enjoy the fruits of his labor. He was said
to be so stupid as to be incapable of receiving even the rudiments
of an education, and yet we found it necessary, in our
States, to pass stringent laws, with fearful penalties attached, to
prevent him from doing it! It was held by eloquent speakers
that he would invade the North, and, as he was too indolent to
work, he would fill our almshouses and jails; and the same
speakers would assert a moment later, with equal eloquence,
that, accustomed as he always had been to labor, he would
work for less pay than white men, and throw them all out of
employment. This last assertion, I have noticed, was always
made by gentlemen in the vicinity of bar-rooms, whose noses
were solferino-hued, whose hats were crownless, and whose
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wives, for amusement probably, took in washing to feed the
children. It is an unfortunate fact for us, that men who labor
in earnest have never been afraid of the competition of the
Nigger. Lower down in the scale of creation than the baboon,
they were fearful he would, if not restrained by law, teach
their schools, sit as judges, and be elected to Congress; so
repulsive in appearance had they painted him, with his thick
lips, black face, and kinky hair, that the very thought of one
would make a white damsel shudder; nevertheless they
demanded the enactment of laws in States where women may
choose their husbands unrestrained, to prevent these same
white damsels from marrying them. Immeasurably beneath
them in every particular, they felt called upon to perpetually
cry, “Protect us from nigger equality!” — and so on.
Jefferson's fault was the result of a lack of knowledge. He
knew all about the Negro, but nothing about the Nigger, and
it was well for him, therefore, that he lived in the year of our
Lord 1776. Had he lived ninety years later, and enunciated
the same doctrine, we should have shot him, as we did Lovejoy.
Were he alive now, he could not have been elected to
Congress in the district represented by the Hon. John Morrisey!
No, indeed! The gentlemen who left their native soil
because of the scarcity of this equality (and of potatoes), the
men who would have been carpet-baggers but for the lack of
carpet-bags, — those who have kindly taken charge of the
politics of several of the Atlantic cities, — these men are the
sharp sticklers that the distinctions between man and man
which drove them from the land of their birth be kept up
here. Their motto is, “One man is as good as another;” but
when their eyes rest upon a black man, they very properly
add, “and better too!” This class have cultivated such a
delightful hatred of the Nigger that they won't even drink with
one, unless, indeed, the Nigger pays for the fluids. This
makes some difference. And that this distinction may be kept
up, we have interpolated into Jefferson's Declaration the word
“white,” and assert, vehemently, that both Scripture and
science, of which we know much, justify the interpolation. In
Kentucky, we don't take the Declaration of Independence as
we do our whiskey, straight, but we sweeten it to our taste.
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We have all the passages of Scripture relating to it at our
tongues' end. At the Corners, you can hear at any time those
whose appearance hardly denotes erudition, whose noses
blossom as the lobster, whose hair asserts impatience of restraint
by obtruding itself through the corners of their hats,
whose toes manifest themselves through their ventilated shoes,
and to whose perpendicularity posts are necessary, exclaim,
unctuously, “And Noer planted a vineyard, and drank of the
wine, and was drunken. Cussid be Canaan.”
Having dwelt as long as is profitable upon the attributes
of this interesting being, I pass to an examination of his
origin. It is found in the 9th chapter of Genesis. The world,
sunk in wickedness, was destroyed by a flood. But it was not
the design of the Almighty to exterminate the race. I will
not stop here to argue whether it would have been better to
have made clean work of it or not. I was in New York a few
weeks ago, and thought, perhaps, it would. Be that as it
may, one family he preserved in an ark, and when the tempests
that had wrought His judgments had subsided, and the purified
earth was again fit for the occupancy of man, this family
left their floating home, and went out upon its face. The
Book gives a short, though satisfactory account of what followed.
Noah, six hundred years old at the time, having seen
nothing but water for nearly twelve months, wanted a change.
He planted a vineyard, pressed the grapes, drank the wine
therefrom, and was drunken; which was a very indiscreet performance
for one at his age. Had he been a mere infant of one
or two hundred years, it wouldn't have been so singular, but a
mature man of six hundred ought to have known better. It
has always been a mystery at the Corners how Noah could
become inebriated on so thin a drink as new wine. Deacon
Pogram remarked that Noah wuzn't a seasoned vessel. In
that condition he lay down within his tent with insufficient
clothing upon him. As it was in the beginning, so it is now,
and ever shall be. To this day the man who drinks will
sooner or later get down with too little clothing upon him.
Ham, his youngest son, saw him, and laughingly told his
brethren. Shem and Japheth reproved Ham for his levity,
and took their garments upon their shoulders, and going
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backward, laid them upon him. When Noah awoke, he knew what
Ham had done, and he cursed him in these words: “Cursed be
Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.”
Upon this one act of our common father hung momentous
results. That one draught of wine set in motion a succession
of events that affected the fate of the greatest nation of the
world, in all conceivable ways, from the election of constables
to the fighting of great battles. For in that cup of wine was
Democracy, — then and there it was born, and that cup of
wine gave that party its Nigger — all the capital it ever had.
The temperance people tell us that in every cup of wine there
is a devil; in this cup you will acknowledge there was a
large and particularly lively one.
The drinking of this wine, and the drunkenness that it produced
upon the inexperienced Noah, was the cause of a division
of the human race into two classes, — white men and
niggers. Under the head of white men, we class the red
man of America, with his aquiline nose, coppery complexion,
and straight hair; the Mongolian, with his olive-colored skin,
black hair, and flat nose; the Caucasian, with his fair complexion,
hair of all colors, and features of all shapes; the Celt,
with his variable features; and — Democrats. A Democrat is
counted a white man, no matter what his complexion may be;
no matter what the color of his hair — or nose. All the rest
of the human family — and Radicals — we set down as Niggers.
To the white race we ascribe all the glory of the South — to
the others nothing.
This elevation of the white race, and consequent degradation
of the black, is justified by the few of us who read the
Bible, by the sin of Ham; though, by the way, we have nothing
to say in particular of the sin of Noah, which preceded
and led to it, Noah's sin being one that we are compelled,
for obvious reasons, to look upon with much leniency.
To be frank, I have never believed that poor Ham was fairly
dealt with. I have always pitied Ham. He was, doubtless,
a great, good-natured fellow, with a keen appreciation of the
ludicrous, and was vastly amused at the condition of his sire.
Drunkenness was not so common in that day as to excite disgust;
and as he saw the old navigator on his back, his face
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twisted with inebriety, his snores waking the echoes, and the
walls of his tent swaying from his hard breathing, he doubtless
thought he had, as the slang-users of this day would say, “a
good thing on the old man.”
But if it was a laughing matter with the foolish Ham, it
was not so with the shrewd Shem and Japheth. They pierced
the future. To get into the good graces of their father, they
turned their backs upon his sin and folly (as we do nowadays
upon the sin and folly of those from whom we want favors),
and, precisely as we do, cast over his sin their garments. The
only parallel to this we have in modern times occurred in
Washington a few years ago. Andrew Johnson was very
much in the condition of Noah upon one memorable 22d of
February, and a small army of patriots, who had assessorships,
post offices, and collectorships in their eyes, made haste to cast
their garments over him. But they did not succeed in covering
him. Noah awoke, and in the ill-humor which always
follows excess, cursed poor Ham, and condemned his son
Canaan to be the servants of his uncles forever. This was
the beginning of Democracy. Drunkenness brought exposure,
exposure shame, shame a curse, and thus cursed, Ham went
out a Nigger. Drunkenness made Nigger, Nigger made
Democracy, and the two have been running the machine
ever since.
We have now plainly before us the origin of the Nigger,
and have, therefore, a starting point for our investigations.
Here were three brothers, Shem, Ham, and Japheth, with a
curse upon Ham, condemning his children to serve the others.
We, the whites, claim to be the descendants of the other two,
and consequently assert the right to own and work the children
of our unfortunate uncle. The claim is a comfortable
one. Labor is something all men dread; and if it can be
positively fixed that Noah did curse Ham, and that he spoke
by authority, and that the negro is really the descendant of
Ham, and we are the descendants of Japheth, we have really a
good thing of it. We of Kentucky have always desired to
fulfil the great law of labor, as our particular friends at the
North served in the army — by substitute.
One cup of wine, and a curse after it, made a difference in
the history of the world.
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How differently history would have been written had Noah
started a temperance society at the beginning, or had the
Maine liquor law been in operation in that country. Or had he
taken up any other branch of agriculture! Had he planted
corn instead of grapes, or gone into sheep or poultry; had a
frost blighted his grapes, or a mildew struck them, or had the
screw of his press broken; had any one of these things happened,
he would not have become inebriated; Ham would not
have seen him; there would have been no curse, no Nigger, no
Democracy. For who can imagine a Democracy without a
Nigger to be kept in subjection! Or, suppose that all of Ham's
children had died of diphtheria! Had any one of these things
happened, the whole course of political events would have been
changed. We never should have seen at political meetings in
the West, wagon-loads of ancient females, with banners over
their venerable heads, and inscribed thereon this agonizingly
touching appeal: “Fathers, protect us from negro equality!”
as though they were not old enough, as a rule, to protect themselves.
Or, this heroic declaration: “White husbands or
none!” which, taken in connection with their age and single
condition, would indicate that if they had ever had offers they
must have come from black men. In the East, the gentlemen
who sent the Hon. John Morrisey to Congress from New York,
would have been spared the crimes of arson and murder, for
there would have been no nigger orphan asylums to awaken
their righteous indignation; no adult male niggers to hang to
lamp posts. But as any one of these things would have
changed the complexion of affairs, and prevented the unfortunate
change in Ham's complexion, and as they did not happen,
we are bound to admit that Providence intended the negro to
be kept down, and in the eternal fitness of things, arranged for
an organization to keep him down.
This curse is the great pivotal fact upon which American
politics has turned for years. But we found many difficulties
in it. The first difficulty which occurred to me, is the fact
that all of Ham's children did not suffer in consequence of
their father's little indiscretion. It ought to have fallen upon
all alike, but it did not. Nimrod was a descendant of Ham,
but he was not the servant of anybody, very much. On the
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contrary, quite the reverse. He was a mighty hunter before
the Lord; and mighty hunters have never been servants. The
man strong enough to struggle with the lion and to overcome
the tiger, and brave enough to dare the dangers of the chase for
the fierce delight it affords, is not the man to humbly hump his
shoulders, and to a mere man say that most hateful of all words,
“Master.” Besides, Nimrod built cities and established kingdoms,
which is not the work of servants. We were forced to the
conclusion, therefore, that the curse held to Canaan only; that
Nimrod's children mingled with the sons of Shem and Japheth,
and that their descendants are to-day white men. This troubles
us; for, counting it a truth, we were associating with those
having the blood of the cursed Ham in their veins; and besides,
if one of the descendants of Ham escaped the curse, may
not others get out from under it at the same place? Again;
if the negroes of Africa, from which country we procured the
stock we are blessed with, are really the descendants of
Canaan, the son of Ham, the curse which Noah imposed upon
them lost its adhesive power for many centuries. The brethren
separated, and each went about his business. I have
spent sleepless nights upon this question, but I must confess
that I can find no proof that Canaan, or any of his descendants,
were, until a comparatively recent date, the servants of anybody!
Can it be that the curse was as temporary in its effects
as the wine that produced it? Did it evaporate with the
fumes thereof? Did it pass away with Noah's headache the
next morning? Did Noah make over to Shem and Japheth
property for which he had no title?
Unfortunately Shem's descendants are said to have stayed in
Asia, Ham's went to Africa, and Japheth's peopled Europe.
Here is the difficulty that besets me. How could Ham's descendants
serve their brethren, they staying in Africa, while
the brethren were comfortably established in Europe and Asia?
It may be answered that they went after them; but, alas!
they had no need of that. The strong Shemites found enough
weak Shemites to enslave without going after their cousins,
and the same is true of the Japhethites. The Tartars made
servants of the Chinese, the Normans of the Saxons, and the
Romans had a cheerful habit of gobbling up all the weaker
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people within their reach. Among these, I regret to say, were the
ancestors of those before me — your fathers and mine. The
curse was in existence, and had power, but somehow it was
demoralized. When Noah fired it off, it missed its aim. It
scattered like a poor shot-gun, and hit where he did not intend
it. For in all ages of the world slavery has existed. There
never has been a time when strong men were not too lazy to
work; never a time when there were not brutes and imbeciles—
the two classes necessary to the system. The strong
enslaved the weak without regard to Noah. They did it in
a manly way, too. The enslavers did not ask the person they
wished to enslave for their family record; they did not attempt
to ascertain whether or not he was descended from Canaan.
Not they. If they wanted a servant, they sought out a man
weaker than they; they knocked him down, in the old-fashioned
way, with a club; they beat him till the original man
was pretty much pummelled out of him, and then, reduced to
the condition of a beast, he was the individual they desired.
History is full of these instances, and Jefferson had this kind
of history in his mind when he wrote the Declaration; which
would have been well enough had he put the word “white”
in its proper place, that there might be no doubt as to his
meaning.
As he left it, it applies to black as well as white, and strictly
construed robs us of our Nigger.
We could never find any testimony in the Scriptures that
the dusky sons of Africa were the descendants of Canaan;
and this is another difficulty. To be a servant, as our people
understand it, one ought to be an inferior; and we held that
the negro was our inferior, and ought to be our servant, because
of the curse. Behold the snag upon which our boat
runs. Our conservative brethren oppose the conferring of any
rights upon these people, because we dread the supremacy
of the negro! That sweet boon to an oppressed people,
Andrew Johnson, in his annual messages, always devoted a
chapter to the danger of this race taking possession of the
government, and conducting it themselves; and I am not
certain but that I have seen the same fear expressed in the
reports of Secretary Welles, as he said regularly whatever the
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President has said. Seward once dwelt upon it at length, but
I do not like to quote him. The distance from Abraham
Lincoln to Andrew Johnson was so great, that the leap from
the one to the other broke his moral back. He has never
stood upright since. The friends of the race jeeringly say that
if the negroes should take the government in their own hands,
they hope they will conduct it to better advantage than the
late President has, for if they do not, it would prove to the
satisfaction of everybody that the curse was a reality, and that
they are not fit, as yet, to be intrusted with political rights.
Now we have in the United States four millions of these
people, all told, and thirty millions of whites. It is as certain
as the multiplication table that if laws are necessary to prevent
them from governing us, they must be the superior and we
the inferior race. If, in a clear field, the four millions can control
the thirty millions, it must certainly be because of the
superiority of the four millions. It troubles us to reconcile
this pet fear of ours with our claims of superiority.
I have never been able, from the Book, to determine just
how far that curse extended. Noah's words were, “Cursed be
Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.”
I ask especial attention to the wording of this text, as it
affords a complete justification of the practice of amalgamation,
so common in the South under the old system. The Canaanites
were condemned to be servants unto their brethren. Not unto
the stranger, but their brethren. How, except through this,
let me ask, could the slaves of the South be brethren unto
their masters? But we have full faith that the curse was
intended to include not only Canaan, but his descendants. If
it was only to cover Canaan, and was to die with him, of what
use would it have been to us? Had it died with Canaan, we
of Kentucky would have been doing our own work to-day, and
we might have put on its tombstone the epitaph written for the
kitten which died too young:
“If I was so soon to be done for,
What was I begun for?”
It may be well here to consider briefly the question of color,
which has worried and perplexed all of us. We are white, or
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copper-colored, and the negroes, such of them as stayed at the
North, are black. The question is, “Why black?” One
theory is, that color is the result of climate, diet, habits of life,
and other conditions, which, persevered in for many generations,
will change the appearance of families of men. The people
of my State know better. They ascribe it to the curse of
Noah; that Ham, being the brother of Shem and Japheth, was
originally white, even as they were, but that he went out from
the presence of his father with this mark of his displeasure,
not only upon his face, but spread all over his body. The very
name to us is significant of color. The curse changed at once
his physical nature, and the change took place suddenly. When
Ham got to his room that morning, and gazed at himself in his
mirror, he called, in astonishment, for Shem and Japheth, that he
might be introduced to himself.
Noah, when he changed Ham's style and shape, had doubtless
a glimpse of the future, and he made of him precisely the
kind of man that the future required. As he was to be the
menial of his brethren for all time, he considerately gave him
a complexion suited to his condition; one that would not show
dirt. To further fit him for the discharge of the duties that
were to be his, his nose was flattened, that it could never be
turned up in scorn at anything; his arms were elongated, his
shoulders were broadened, his forehead was driven backward,
and his hair, long and straight like ours, was converted into
wool, that he should waste no time in dressing it, and also that
we, his masters, might have a better hold for our fingers.
These are the physical characteristics of the race in America,
and we affirm that the negro must and ought to be a slave,
because the Almighty, working through Noah, made him
exactly of the shape and style necessary to that condition.
There may be a mistake here. It is possible, as I once
heard a philosophical son of Ham say, that those who hold
these views have been all along mistaking their own work for
the Almighty's. He had the impudence to say that it was
possible that when the first negro was landed upon our shores
he was neither flat-nosed, long-heeled, or large-handed. He
was, however, forthwith set at work grubbing land in Virginia;
his nose was being continually flattened by the fist of his
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chivalrous master; his shoulders were broadened by the burdens
piled upon them; his hands were widened by constant
holding of the hoe, and his heel was providentially lengthened
to enable him to maintain his equilibrium under the loads he
was compelled to carry. Had they been shorter, he would,
when overloaded, have fallen backward. His receding forehead
he accounted for in this way: “Of what use,” said he,
“would a head shaped to hold brains be to one who had no
brains to hold? and why should he have brains who has no
occasion to use them?” But I noticed that this particular
nigger, who had learned to read and write, had a head shaped
very much like those of ordinary people of intelligence, and
that his children, who could not only read and write, but
cipher, were still more so. He had put out his one talent to
usury, and it had become ten in his descendants. We of the
South feared this. We would not fly in the face of the Lord
on any account. Zealous to fulfil his word, and determined
that for his glory Canaan should forever be a servant unto his
brethren; and fearful that if they should gain knowledge they
might give the Lord the slip, and be their own men, we withheld
knowledge from them. Piously, therefore, we enacted
laws making the teaching of these foreordained slaves to read
the sacred word of God a penitentiary offence. And in our
determination that they should not be unfitted for their
destiny, we did hang very many meddlesome Yankees who
doubted it all, and proposed to do something towards elevating
them above the condition of beasts. In those happy days,
south of the Ohio River, it only required twenty minutes of
time to arrest, try, hang, and divide the clothes of a Northern
school teacher. And when one of these Noah cursed men
demonstrated, by opposing the will of his master, that he had
brains, the matter was pleasantly and peremptorily settled by
knocking them out. A great deal of brain has been thus
disposed of in the Southern States.
Another trouble that besets us, is the fact that the curse
remained inoperative and in abeyance for centuries after it was
pronounced. The children of Ham, it is supposed, occupied
Africa all by themselves. They fell, as did their cousins in
Europe and Asia, into vice; their vices being just as much
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more detestable than those cultivated by their cousins as the
climate of their country is hotter. Vice, like vegetation,
attains its greatest perfection in hot climates. The farther
south you go, the less orthodox you find mankind. Vermont,
where man wrestles with Nature, and wrests a subsistence from
an unwilling soil by main strength, has never faltered in her
devotion to humanity. Louisiana, on the other hand, where
Nature yields her treasures at the asking, is as true to the
Democracy as the needle to the pole, or the Kentuckian to his
whiskey: two examples of fidelity equalled by nothing else in
this world. Where men find a living ready made, they have
too much time upon their hands to be good. The Ten Commandments
have but little chance where labor is unnecessary.
Had South Carolina been blessed with a month of sleighing
each year, she never would have passed an ordinance of secession.
No climate less hot than that of Mississippi could
develop such a man as Jeff Davis; and Salisbury, Andersonville,
Belle Isle, and General Forrest were only possible
where the thermometer stands at one hundred for months
together. It may be, indeed it has been said by a few soldiers
who survived Andersonville, that the heat in which the men I
have mentioned, exist, was not meant to affect the moral
natures, but was intended by a kind Providence, who foreknew
their destination, to prepare them, in some slight measure, for
the still greater heat to which they are certain to be subjected
in the future.
The Japhethites harried, murdered, and plundered each other
in Europe, and the Shemites fell to a still deeper depth of
barbarism, as did our African brother.
In Europe the Japhethites built large castles, and rode about
upon horses, clad absurdly in cast iron, with inverted pots upon
their heads, killing each other with iron spears, and the
Africans were doing the same things, on a smaller scale, with
spears pointed with fish-bones.
But the sons of Canaan had not been as yet introduced to
the curse, unfortunately. There were slaves in Africa, but
they were slaves not unto Japheth's children, but unto themselves,
precisely as the children of Shem and Japheth enslaved
men of their own race. When Cæsar conquered a
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nation at war with Rome, he made slaves of his captives; and
when Gumbo Quashee, prince of Borriaboola Gha, led his hosts
of warriors against a neighboring king, he dragged back
captives in his train, who were at once enslaved. If Gumbo
met defeat, the only difference was, he took his turn at the
mill. The enslaved have always been the victims of a curse,
not of the drunken Noah, but of that more terrible curse,
weakness.
There is another ugly point in this matter of the curse that
is hardly worth referring to, but it may be as well. The fact
is (and this hurts us), the Africans, the woolly-headed, thick-lipped,
dark-skinned, Africans, of whom we have made slaves
under the curse, are not the descendants of Canaan, upon
whom the curse fell, at all.
Unfortunately for us, who have risked our all upon this,
the Scriptures are explicit upon this point.
Canaan begat Sidon and Heth, and their descendants were the
Jebusites, the Amorites, the Girgashites, and — sights of other
tribes. The Book tells us precisely where they are located.
Too lazy and shiftless to move any distance, they pre-empted
the ground upon which Jerusalem stands, their territory including
those New Yorks of the old world, Sodom and Gomorrah.
They were not a nice people to have for next door neighbors.
They had many disagreeable habits. They were a compound
of Brigham Young and Kidd the Pirate, and it is supposed
that Salt Lake City and New York were modelled after
their principal towns as near as may be. It will be remembered
that these two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah, came to a
sudden end.
Notwithstanding the love I bear the metropolis, because of
its politics, the reading of the account of the destruction of
these cities, and knowing that what has been may, for the same
cause, occur again, has deterred me from investing very
largely in real estate in New York. But these Canaanites did
not go to Africa; they stayed in Asia; and as we have been
enslaving only Africans, it is clear that there has been a mistake
somewhere, and that we have been innocently enslaving
the wrong race all this time. You all remember the venerable
story of the tub. An old woman brought suit once upon a time
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for the value of a tub which she had loaned, and which had
been returned to her piece by piece, the hoops having all
dropped off. The defence set up by the borrower was comprehensive.
First, and to begin with, the defendant never
borrowed the tub. Secondly, she returned it with the hoops
all on, and, thirdly, the plaintiff never had a tub.
It is about so with this pet curse of ours. It wasn't good
for much at best, it didn't stick to the people at whom it was
levelled, and the Africans, upon whose shoulders we have
piled it, are not Canaanites. Our ancestors did not believe
this, however. They believed in this curse, with the childlike
simplicity of a pawnbroker. It is very easy for us to
believe in anything that holds out promise of personal benefit.
Men whose love for gain cannot be satisfied with six days of
labor, very generally question the sanctity of the Sabbath;
and we all insist that laws shall be made to fit our desires,
rather than to bring our desires to fit laws. These ancestors
of ours were a greedy set. They hungered after a life of no
labor, and they believed, therefore, that the Lord directed
Columbus across the untried waste of waters that rolled
between Spain and America solely that this long retired and
almost forgotten curse might be revived and put in force. It
had been a failure thus far; but as they looked out upon the
new world, and saw how magnificently they could live, if they
could only get their labor for nothing, their faith in it revived.
They found here field and forest, gold and water, everything
but labor.
The emigrant might, it is true, have done the labor himself,
but then this cherished curse of ours would have been still
floating around the world, like the dove of the eminent navigator
who uttered it, with no place to rest the sole of its foot.
Besides, they did not want to do the labor. The first settlers
of Virginia, from whom the chivalry of that State claim
descent, never labored at home, and why should they here?
The settlers of Carolina were men to whom labor was as
distasteful as it has ever been to their descendants. The
negro was precisely what they wanted. The original decree
was, “In the sweat of thy brow shalt thou eat bread.” They
were determined that the decree should be fulfilled, but they
wanted the dividing of it.
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They were perfectly willing to do the eating, but they
wanted the negro to do the sweating; and had he been
content with this division of the decree, all would have been
smooth to-day.
They prayed, “Give us this day our daily bread;” but
they added to the petition, “and furnish us a nigger to feed
it to us.”
Of course they believe in the curse. The planter on the
banks of the James felt the convenience of an arrangement
which would obviate the first curse of labor, by a second
curse; of having the sin brought into the world through the
agency of the apple, done away with by another sin which
had its origin in the grape.
They found it a blessed thing to have a being rich in muscle
to perform their share of the penalty of the first curse, giving
them wasteful summers at Saratoga, and ample time and means
for the cultivation of the Southern Christian graces — gambling,
horse-racing, pistol-shooting, and the like. It was a glorious
life they led! Did the proud Caucasian master have an
ill run of luck at cards? a nigger on the block made it all
right the next morning. Did madam, his wife, mourn, and
refuse to be comforted, because a thousand dollar shawl was
not? the matter was easily arranged. The tearing apart of
a husband and wife, and the sale of one; the condemning of a
quadroon of her own sex to a life of shame, was all that was
necessary. Did they desire to entertain their friends sumptuously?
Why should they not? There was no sordid counting
of cost, as it was farther North; for were there not niggers
to sweat? Virginia hospitality was celebrated. Vermont
hospitality might have been, had Vermont fostered this curse,
and partaken of its benefits. It's easy enough to be hospitable
with a hundred negroes, more or less, sweating for you gratis.
We did not invent reapers or sewing machines, for we didn't
need them. Flesh and blood was to be bought in any market,
and it was cheaper than iron and steel. We down South were
happily circumstanced. We had black slaves at home to do
our labor, and white serfs up North, just as humble, to do our
voting. Nature kindly furnished us a race white enough to
vote, and low enough to be owned.
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Interpreting the curse to include all Africa, our pious fathers
set about bringing as many of its inhabitants as possible under
its operations. They sent out missionaries, whom a censorious
world was wicked enough to stigmatize as pirates and slavers,
clad in red shirts, with pistol at belt and cutlass by side,
bearded like pards, and full of strong oaths. These evangelizers,
full of zeal and rum, sailed up the rivers of Africa, and
surprised villages of these accursed people, killing the accursed
men and women too old to work, and the accursed children too
young to work, but selecting out carefully the able-bodied
ones of both sexes. Packing these in the holds of their
vessels like herrings, they turned their prows homeward,
throwing overboard, from day to day, the bodies of those who
had so little regard for the curse of Noah as to die on the way
to the fulfilment thereof. And so at last the curse was fulfilled.
On the cotton plantations, in the rice swamps, in the cane and
tobacco fields, the supposed sons of Ham toiled on, expiating
the stupidity of their supposed father, who, a great many
centuries before, hadn't any more sense than to look in upon
his father when he was drunk.
But just as this convenient and comfortable curse got into
good working order it was killed.
Abraham Lincoln smote it under the fifth rib, and it died the
death.
The nation, in deadly peril, called upon our black cousins to
aid in its deliverance, and it gave up the ghost. The sons of
Ham, inferior as they were in all other respects, were discovered
to be able to pull a trigger or push a bayonet with anybody,
and to the astonishment of those who stood before them, they
had the will to do it. They dared to stand in battle array
before the chivalry of the South. We very soon accounted
for the daring.
When Lincoln put the musket in the hands of the Southern
negroes, it was Greek against Greek, brother against brother.
The blood of the old cavaliers, which gave courage and daring
to the Beauregards, Lees, Masons, and Hamptons, made cavaliers
also of Scipio, Pompey, and Cæsar, their half-brothers; and
why not. The Federals turned against the Confederates
twenty thousand men having the best blood of the South
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coursing through their veins, and inspiring them to high
chivalrous deeds.
Then the struggle became literally fratricidal. Another
thing made these fellows fight. They had treasured up that old
saying of Jefferson, and they rejoiced when the firing upon
Sumter gave them promise of the glad day when it should be
a reality. When they were satisfied that the nation was really
divorced from slavery, they flew to arms to prove themselves
worthy of the future they hoped for. We must confess that
they fought bravely and died grandly.
The swart hero in the death-trap at Petersburg, on the plain
at Port Hudson, and in the enclosure at Fort Pillow, showed
an example of heroism that any people might be proud of.
The slave who remained on the plantation, who risked life to
feed, nurse, and guide the flying fugitive from Andersonville,
showed a devotion the like of which the world never witnessed
before. We of the South were whipped, and by their aid.
I do not say that we would not have been beaten had they
not thrown themselves into the breach, but it was done the
easier because of them. They stopped bullets at least. The
bullet that let out the life of the negro soldier at Nashville,
might, had he not stood in its way, made life-long sadness in
your home; and many a son of a Northern mother who came
home laurel crowned, owes his life to the unknown black man
who lies in an unhonored grave upon the fields from which he
plucked honor.
These poor deluded Canaanites, as we shall term them, believed
that they had earned their promotion to a higher rank,
and really expected it.
But we knew better. Down in Kentucky we held a consultation
on this very question. That blessed saint and keen
observer of men, Deacon Pogram, remarked sagely, “that men
and women was the most ungrateful members of the human
family.” Said he further on this head, “The sense of gratitood
the Fedrals feel will die out with the peals of the bells which
celebrate the victrys the nigger allies helped to win. They
endured the nigger because they needed him; but now, thank
the Lord, they don't need him no more, and, halleloogy, he'll
be the same cussed nigger he alluz wuz.” I use the Deacon's
exact words.
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He was right. The wholesome prejudice against color
swallowed up gratitude, and the pride of race swallowed justice.
The negro stepped one foot upon the threshold of the Temple
of Liberty, but we rudely pushed him back. They wanted
not only freedom, but the elective franchise, the ungrateful
wretches not being satisfied with what we had given them.
They had been provided for generously. We of the South
accepted the situation, and acknowledged their freedom, but
we felt that it was necessary that they be regulated. And so
we decreed that they should not leave the plantations on
which they were employed without passes from their employers,
under penalty of being shot at sight.
They should have the right of suing any one — of their own
color — if they could give white bail for costs; and here was
a privilege — they were to have the unrestricted right of
being sued the same as white men. They should not purchase
or lease real estate outside of any incorporated city or village;
and as large bodies of them were considered dangerous, they
should not purchase or lease real estate within any incorporated
city or village. As we fixed their wages at four dollars per
month, they boarding themselves, these laws relating to the
purchase of real estate might seem unnecessary. But we
wanted to be on the safe side. And we proposed to give
them the ballot, in time. Of other men we required no
preparation, but we felt it necessary of these. We only
required them to pass a creditable examination in Greek,
Latin, embroidery, French, German, and double-entry bookkeeping,
and to facilitate their acquiring these branches we
burned all their school-houses.
These regulations were made in Mississippi. In my State
of Kentucky it was not necessary to do anything in the matter,
for Kentucky did not rebel. We preserved a strict neutrality.
That estimable pillar in the Church at the Corners, Elder
Gavitt, who has since gone to his reward, remarked that “no
one cood be more nootraller than he was.” He loyally stayed at
home all day, and bushwhacked Federal pickets all night, and
after battles he robbed the dead and wounded of both sides
impartially. For thus remaining neutral we have been permitted
to manage our niggers in our own way.
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The curse was by this time abandoned, but the hankering
after cheap labor remained. We found at once a new reason
for degrading this race — a new theory for keeping them
down. We discovered, just in the nick of time, that they
were not men at all. And this suited our friends of the
North. They had always objected to the theory that the negro
was a man, and that he was enslaved because of his inferiority.
They murmured to themselves, “If the stronger shall
own the weaker, if the intellectually superior shall hold in
slavery the intellectually inferior, God help us! We might as
well select our masters at once.”
When Lee surrendered at Appomattox Court House, we felt
that all was gone. We felt as grateful, as men of our stamp
could feel, that our lives were not forfeit, that we had yet our
property, save and except our niggers. But this feeling wore
off. Andrew Johnson became suddenly tired of the rôle of
Moses, or rather he changed his Israelites. He led the astonished
Africans into the Red Sea, and left them there; and
putting himself at the head of their Egyptian pursuers, he
pulled them out of the troubled waters they had fallen into.
We were not slow to take advantage of this changed condition
of affairs. There is a modesty in the Southern character, but it
does not crop out very much. We began to talk of our rights;
our niggers, and our system. We felt that all was not lost so
much as it had been. True, they were free, but had we not
legislatures? Congress, in its wisdom, left them in our hands
after all. They could vote by law, and by law some of us
could not; but what of law, so long as we had the executing
of it? We were admitted to the Georgia legislature, and we
at once expelled enough of our black enemies to give us the
control of that body. Elsewhere force — the rifle, the pistol,
the knife — gave us the control we wanted, and by a liberal
use of these peculiarly Southern agencies, the doomed sons of
Canaan were practically as far from freedom as ever. They
were by law competent to vote in Louisiana, but of what avail
to them was that privilege so long as the power was in the
hands of our people, who by force controlled one election, that
they might use the power thus gained to disfranchise them
forever, and reduce them to the old status?
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It was necessary to satisfy our friends of the North that we
were right in this matter. We had no trouble to do it. Our
learned men measured their arms, legs, hands, and skulls, and
finding a difference, held it was right and proper that all political
rights be denied them. Smelling committees were appointed,
who discovered that the nigger was possessed of an
odor not perceptible in the white, and forthwith that odor took
the entire conservative part of the people by the nose, and led
them at its own sweet will. It was not as agreeable as Night-blooming
Cereus, and it was decided that therefore he ought
not to vote. His color was next critically considered, and in a
new light. It was not like ours; and should a man presume
to exercise the rights of freemen whose complexion rivalled
charcoal? Their heels protruded more than ours, and therefore
they must be deprived of all privileges save that of living,
and that only by sufferance. This rule we find to be
weak in some respects.
The first objection that occurs to me to this method of determining
a man's qualifications for the exercise of the great
privilege of a freeman is the uncertainty of its application.
We will suppose a white man to have arms, legs, and skull, of
the average negro shape and measurement; does that unfit
him for the ballot? We must admit this, if these measurements
are to be the test. Or, suppose, from inattention to
personal cleanliness, he should carry with him an odor unpleasant
to persons of refined sensibilities, would that unfit him?
The adoption of this rule would require boards of election to
smell of each elector who offered a ballot; and that there might
be uniformity in the matter, which is necessary in a republic,
the government would be forced to establish a bureau of perfumery.
Ignorance we would urge as a disqualification; but alas, we
have a most excellent reason for sailing clear of that. A very
large per cent. of those who oppose giving the ballot to the
negroes, because of their ignorance, put a cross to their names
when they sign a promissory note, and accomplish that simple
feat with much difficulty and running out of tongue.
Fielding, the great English novelist, gave us a most amusing
picture of a terror occasioned in a small English village on
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the coast, by a rumor that the French had landed at a time
when the pugnacious Gauls were threatening an invasion of
that country. At the grated window of a debtor's prison appears
the face of a person who had been incarcerated for many
years for a debt which he could never hope to pay, and whose
imprisonment was therefore like to be perpetual. With an expression
of the most earnest indignation upon his faded face,
he exclaims, from behind the bars, “Zounds! are the French
coming to deprive us of our liberties?”
Even so. I must admit that the men who tremble the most
for their country, when they contemplate the ignorant negro
possessing the ballot, are those who cannot read, and the patriot
who sells his vote for a drink of rum, is the identical fellow
who talks the loudest of the danger of giving the ballot
to a mass of people whose votes can be so easily influenced.
Several other reasons prevented us from making all that we
hoped for out of the ignorance of the negroes, particularly of
the South. Did we point to the ignorant field hand, and ask
triumphantly if such as he was fit to vote? Forthwith our
opponents held up, as an offset, the degraded brutes of our
Northern cities. Did we point to the vicious negroes? They
could and did point to the roughs of New York, Philadelphia,
and Baltimore. And they rather troubled us when they asserted
that the ballot in the hands of ignorant white men was
just as dangerous as in the hands of ignorant black men; that
the ballot, ignorantly or viciously cast, is what hurts us, not
the color of the man who casts it. They asserted that he who
says “Stand off” to the colored man because he cannot read
his ballot, ought to say “Stand off” to the white man equally
ignorant. There is no denying this. Were intelligence made the
test, it would scarcely be worth while to open polls in half the
districts of New York city, and one fourth of our entire strength
would fade out like frost under a May sun. Finally we adopted
as ground upon which we could stand, the theory that there
were many creations instead of one; that Adam was not the
Simon pure, original man; that the nigger is a different being
altogether from us — a beast, a sort of superior baboon; and
being a beast, that we have the right to own and work him,
as we have the horse or ox.
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This position seemed to many of us impregnable; but it
didn't stand a minute. Miscegenation or amalgamation knocked
the support out from under us. Up stepped a pert abolitionist,
and asked, “What will you do with the mulatto — he who
is half man and half beast?
And here is a difficulty. If we count them as beasts, we do
the man that is in them injustice? If we count them as men,
we profane manhood, by elevating with it the lower creation.
And when such a one dies, what then? Does the man half,
for which Christ died, claiming its inheritance in his blood, go
into the next world on an equality with us, dragging with it
the half that is beast? Or should there be ever so slight a
preponderance of beast, does the hybrid topple over in a lop-sided
way into the limbo for departed animals, dragging with
it the half that is man? If so, O, my Kentucky friends, how
much of Kentucky soul and Kentucky spirit is there in that
limbo, held in solution by the animal surroundings into which
your gross sensuality has condemned it?
That unmitigated wretch, Joe Bigler, it will be remembered,
reproached that old saint, Deacon Pogram, for walloping one
of these nearly white negroes who had the Pogram nose.
“Deacon,” said he, “how kin yoo bear to thrash so much Pogram
for the sake of walloping so little nigger?” Another objection
to this theory is the fact, that while treating them as
beasts in the matter of voting, we treat them very much like
men in the matter of tax-paying. I have known men who
grew furious at the idea of being jostled at the polls by a
negro, do violence to the theory by standing side by side,
quietly and without a murmur, with a very black one in
the rush to pay taxes at the treasurer's office! And during
the late unpleasantness, what man of all our people objected
to having the name of the blackest and most offensive
negro in his township or ward written just before his own on
the draft enrolment? That was what hurt us, for during its
continuance we heard nothing of this hatred of race. The
nigger of 1861, when we didn't want him, softened down wondrously,
into the “colored man” in 1863, when we did want
him. The negro's face, black as it was, looked well to our
friends of the North under a blue cap, and he was a very
-- 654 --
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Apollo in their eyes when they wanted their quotas filled.
Ours was a white man's government; but we were all wondrous
willing that black men should die for it in our stead.
If I remember aright, I have, in the course of these remarks,
referred to the Democracy once or twice. I cannot
avoid making mention of their competitors, the Republican
party, and here acknowledging the assistance it has been to
us. In 1856 that party got hold of an idea that for many
years was too large for it. They grasped it by the tail, and
they have been trying to manage it from that end ever since
until this minute. They never dared to look it in the face.
The crusade upon slavery, squarely made years ago by Wendell
Phillips, Lovejoy, Garrison, Giddings, and the few terrible
agitators who were bent upon turning the world upside down,
which they did, was entered into by those who followed them
afar off, only when they were compelled to. And how feeble
their assent! They endeavored not to pierce its centre, its
weakest point, but to flank it. They commenced the movement
against it by declaring their willingness that it should continue
to exist in the States — that the slave-pens, under the shadow
of the Capitol at Washington, should continue to show forth
the beauties of a republican form of government, and that
they themselves, free men, should continue to be used as
bloodhounds, with United States marshals to set them on, to
hunt down the fugitives from bondage. They made haste to
announce in advance their determination not to interfere with
it where it existed, and they never did till they were compelled
to. They frittered away the first two years of the war
before they were manly enough to tie themselves to what
they believed to be a truth, and permit it to drag them to victory.
Forced by circumstances they could not control, they
mustered up courage at last to declare the only friends they
had in the South free: but what followed? They started in
affright at the spectre they had raised. The Republican party
was brave enough to face the armies of the rebellion, but it
was not brave enough to face a prejudice. From the close of
the war up to this winter, in the very flush of the victories
they had won by the aid of the strong hands of their black
allies, they coolly betrayed them. So magnanimous were they,
-- 655 --
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so generous were they to their enemies, that they forgot their
friends. They gave us, their late masters, the right to disfranchise
them at any time. They gave Southern legislatures
the power to reduce them again to serfdom, and even those in
the Northern States were denied their rights. How much
these foolish people have made by their motion, how much they
have of safety, how much of the rights they have earned, how
much they have of citizenship, let Memphis, New Orleans, and
the Georgia legislature answer. The Republican party lacked
the courage, and we knew it would, to follow to its logical
conclusion the idea upon which it was based. Too many of
its members shuddered at the Nigger as soon as the Nigger
was of no use to them. And there is a reason for this. It is
a soothing thought to too many men that there is somebody
lower down in the scale of humanity than themselves. Such
men have an uncontrollable desire to look down upon somebody,
and hence their desire to keep the negro down, as that
is the only portion of the race they can, with any show of
truth, claim to be above. And feeling the danger of his rising
above them if let alone, they seek to keep him down by
piling upon his head the dead weight of unfriendly legislation.
It is a philosophical truth this. The more despicable the
man, the more anxious he is to have it understood that
somebody is lower still. The most ardent defenders of
slavery eight years ago were those who hadn't a particle
of interest in it, — those who, if negroes had been selling
at five cents apiece, could not have raised money enough
to have purchased the paring of one's finger nail; and to-day
those most bitterly opposed to Nigger suffrage are those whose
stolid ignorance and inwrought brutality makes any attempt
at further degradation a hopeless task. They can be got
lower — by digging a hole.
How shall we dispose of the negro. He was ever a disturbing
element in American politics, and ever will be so long
as left in the position he has occupied. The curse theory is
worthless, and the beast theory leaks like a sieve. If there
ever was anything in the curse it has all faded out, and if he
is not a man, he is a most excellent imitation. We have abandoned
the Nasbyan theory, and have fallen back upon
-- 656 --
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Jefferson. Now that the government is in a transition state, now
that we can make of it what we will, suppose that we rebuild
upon a safe and sure foundation. Suppose we overhaul the
laws of the country, and strike out the word “white,” leaving
standing alone the all-sufficient word man. We are trying
now the experiment of being a genuine republic. Suppose
that there may be no longer a dispute upon this head, that we
insist upon incorporating into the Constitution — the supreme
law of the land — the Jeffersonian Declaration, that all men are
equal. I want, and insist upon it, that the Declaration of
Independence shall be no longer a “glittering generality,” as
that meanest of all mean things God ever created, a Massachusetts
pro-slavery man, once said, but a living, robust truth,
possessed of as much vitality as any other truth which has
blessed the world.
What stands in the way? Prejudice! Only this, and nothing
more, and that may be overcome. New England did it,
and New York, years ago, took one step in that direction. In
New York, the negro who owns a mule worth two hundred
and fifty dollars, votes, no matter what his other qualifications
may be, while he who lacks that, does not, no matter how well
he is fitted for the exercise of the right in other respects.
This is not well, but it is something. By this rule the mule
votes, not the man; and the late election in that State shows
the mules to have been largely in the majority.
Until this principle is adopted our republic is no republic,
and our boasted freedom is a hollow sham. We must have no
more of this inequality. We must make all men before the law
equal. We must not leave the rights of a single citizen in the
hands of timid legislatures, interested oligarchies, and ex-slaveholders.
The rights of the negro must be secured by law,
above the reach of ex-slaveholders; men who, to live a life
of luxurious idleness, would garrote the Goddess of Liberty
for the white robes she wears. We must make him not only
free in name, but in reality, and must give him that potent
weapon, the ballot, that he may maintain and defend his freedom.
I want all distinctions based upon color wiped out in
all the States. I want all the roots of this bitterness eradicated.
I want the great principle upon which a republic
-- 657 --
[figure description] Page 657.[end figure description]
should be founded incorporated into the Constitution. If, now
that it can be done, we do less than this, we are cowards and
faithless men.
I want them to have all privileges enjoyed by other classes.
“Do you want niggers in office?” shudderingly asks the member
of Congress, who sees in his mind's eye one sitting beside him.
I answer, “Certainly, if the people desire it, not otherwise;”
and they are a part of the people. I have no particular care in
the matter; I only insist that they shall be eligible. Whether
they are elected to official position or not, is something that is
entirely within your control. If you return a man a horse that
is his, it does not follow that you must give him also silverplated
harness and a carriage. If you pay a debt, it does
not follow that you must likewise marry into the family of your
creditor. You have in this city an overwhelming majority of
whites — it is for you to choose. Where they have a majority,
I presume they will do as we have done — elect men of their
own race; and I should advise them to. But there is no law
to compel you to elect black men, or men of any other color,
to official position. You have a right to vote for whom you
please. I am not certain but that the good of the public would
be subserved by substituting some negroes I know of for some
white officials. For instance, were I a citizen of New York,
I would most gladly exchange John Morrisey for Frederick
Douglass, and rather than spoil the trade, I would throw in
Fernando Wood and his brother Ben, and esteem the bargain
a most excellent one at that. But our conservative friends do
not so see it. “My God!” said one of them, with horror in
his countenance, “think of my being tried afore a nigger jury
for hoss-stealin!”
The people elect, or ought to elect, men to office to serve
them. If you desire whitewashing done, do you look at the
color of the artist to whom you intrust the purifying of your
walls and ceilings? No; you select the man who has the most
skill. Why not so in official positions? If you have among
you negroes who have ability superior to the whites, if you
have those who can better fill the offices, you as tax-payers,
do yourselves gross injustice by not electing them. It does
not follow that you must therefore take them to your bosoms
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as social equals. You have, under the Constitution of the
United States, the blessed privilege of choosing your own
associations. We do not care to associate with all white men,
but all white men vote nevertheless.
I would not make them superior to the white. I would do
nothing more for them than I would for other men. But I
would not prevent them from doing for themselves. I would
tear down all bars to their advancement. I would let them
make of themselves all that they may. In a republic there
should be no avenue to honor or well-doing closed to any man.
If they outstrip me in the race, it proves them to be more
worthy, and they are clearly entitled to the advantages resulting.
There is no reason for this inequality. Knowing
how deep the prejudice is against the race, knowing how low
down in our very natures its roots have struck, I demand, in
our renewed and purified republic, the abrogation of all laws
discriminating against them. I demand for them full equality
with us before the law. Come what may, let it lead to what
it will, this demand I make. I make it as a worshipper of
true Democracy; as one who believes in the divine right of
man — not white man, red man, or black man, but MAN, to self-government.
I make it as one who will be free himself; and
that he may be free himself, would have all others free. I
demand it, not as a gracious gift to the colored man of something
we might, if expedient, withhold, not as a right he
has earned by service done, but humbly, and with shame
in my face at the wrong we have done, I would give it him
as returning a right that was always his; a right to which
he has a patent from God Almighty; a right that we had
taken from him by brute force, and the taking of which by
us was almost the unpardonable sin. I demand it, for until
it is done our boasted freedom is a sham, and our pretence
of republicanism a miserable lie. I demand it, for I would
have no privileged classes in this government, for fear that
some day my children may by force be deprived of the rights
I enjoy by a class arrogating to themselves superiority. I
demand it, because I believe governments were instituted
on earth for the protection of the weak against the strong,
and that in a republic the ballot is the weak man's only
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protection. I demand it, because we cannot afford to give the
lie to our professions; because we cannot afford to say to the
world one thing and do another.
What shall we do with the negro? Do by him what enlightened
Christianity commands us to do to all. Let us square
our action in this, as in all other matters, by that sublime precept,
“Do unto others as ye would have others do unto you.”
Casting behind us, as unworthy of a moment's serious consideration,
the miserable sophistries of the false teachers who
have well nigh ruined the republic, let us dare to do right.
Let us declare and crystalize our Declaration into unchangeable
laws, that under the flag all men shall be men. Let us
build an altar, the foundation of which shall be Reason, the
topstone Justice, and laying thereon our prejudices, let them
be consumed in the steady, pure flame of Humanity. The
smell of that sacrifice will be a sweeter savor to the Father
of all races than any since Abel's. Let us raise ourselves from
the low, dead, flat plane of self-interest, and demonstrate our
strength, not by trampling upon the defenceless heads of those
weaker and lower than ourselves, but by lifting them up to us.
And then, when the flag has under its shadow only free men,
when all men are recognized as men, we can look the world
in the face, and repeat without a blush that grand old Declaration,
that Magna Charta of human rights, that Evangel of
Humanity: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all
men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator
with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness.”
-- 660 -- p635-711
“THE STRUGGLES OF A CONSERVATIVE WITH THE WOMAN QUESTION. ”
[figure description] Page 660.[end figure description]
A LECTURE
DELIVERED IN MUSIC HALL, BOSTON, DEC. 16, 1868.
I am by nature a Conservative, for I was born one. In my
infancy I was rocked in an old-fashioned cradle, for my parents
would have nothing whatever to do with new-fashioned gimcracks
on springs. Whatever they used must be that which
had the sanction of years. When my infantile stomach was
agonized, I was soothed with Godfrey's Cordial. At the beginning,
paregoric was the favorite anodyne; but my mother
one day happening to discover in a household book that her
grandmother used Godfrey's Cordial, that was immediately
substituted as being undoubtedly the best. Godfrey's Cordial
was counted the most efficacious, because the bottles which
contained it were quaint and old-fashioned, and the labels were
printed in the characters and upon the paper used a century
ago. It was good enough for the stomachs of my ancestors,
and why not for mine? It has been ever since a rule in our
family that it is better for babies to die with Godfrey's Cordial
than to live with any other remedy. One brother of mine,
whose head differed in shape from the others of the family, in
being largest in front of the ears, suggested that the world
had progressed since Godfrey's day, and that possibly science
had produced a better combination. He was ordered to leave
the house instantly. As a rebuke to him, my infant sister was
given a double dose of Godfrey, and my father prayed earnestly
against innovators and presumptuous men, and erased his
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name from the family Bible. The little sister died before
morning; my brother went away and invented an improvement
in steam engines, thus fiendishly inflicting a stab at the
horse interest. But I cannot dwell upon family matters. I
have much to say, and life is short and uncertain. I know
that's so, for a life insurance man told me so yesterday.
I grew up with reverence for everything old. I am not the
man who caught hold of the coat-tail of Progress, and yelled
“Whoa!” I do not believe there ever was such a man. Progress
does not wear a coat; he rushes by in his shirt sleeves;
and, besides, your true Conservative, of whom I am which,
never gets awake in time to see Progress whistle by.
I never think, for there's no necessity for thinking. All the
trouble the world has ever seen has proceeded from pestiferous
thinkers. I am content that men who departed this life some
centuries ago, and were decently buried, and had their obituaries
published in the newspapers, and their tombstones erected,
with as many virtues cut upon them as their administrators
had money to pay for — I am content that these men, deceased
as they are, should do my thinking for me. I study these
men, and take their action as safe precedent to follow. With
such men as I am, the thing that has been done is the right
thing to do; and the thing that has never been done, must
therefore never be done.
We have a poor opinion of ourselves. We, of the United
States, believe that all the wisdom of the country died with the
last member of the Continental Congress, and that our only
hope is in following closely in the footsteps of the members of
that body. Therefore we opposed the abolition of slavery,
because they left us slavery. We opposed all attempts to suppress
intemperance, because intemperance was; and such of
us as professed Christianity, opposed Sunday schools, because
Paul was not a superintendent of one, and because we could
nowhere find it recorded that Luke had a Bible, or Martha an
infant class.
Irreverent men, it is true, puzzle our Christian Conservatives,
by insisting that if all old things are good things, then we
must all rush into murder, that cheerful vice being almost contemporary
with creation.
-- 662 --
[figure description] Page 662.[end figure description]
But we do not allow that to shake us. Conservatives are
not, as a rule, logicians. They have an anchor in precedent,
which holds them fast, while logic is a ship that sails out into
unexplored seas. By doing only that which has been done,
we hold fast to our ancestors; and if they were not respectable
people, who were?
I adore woman. I recognize the importance of the sex, and
lay at its feet my humble tribute. But for woman, where
would we have been? Who in our infancy washed our faces,
fed us soothing syrup, and taught us “How doth the little
busy bee?” Woman! To whom did we give red apples in
our boyhood? for whom did we part our hair behind, and wear
No. 7 boots when No. 10's would have been more comfortable?
and WITH WHOM did we sit up nights, in the hair-oil period of
our existence? And finally, whom did we marry? But for
woman what would the novelists have done? What would
have become of Sylvanus Cobb, Jr., if he had had no women
to make heroines of? And without Sylvanus Cobb, Bonner
could not have made the Ledger a success; Everett would be
remembered not as the man who wrote for the Ledger, but
merely as an orator and statesman; Beecher never would have
written Norwood, and Dexter might to-day have been chafing
under the collar in a dray! But for woman George Washington
would not have been the father of his country, the Sunday
school teachers would have been short the affecting story
of the little hatchet and the cherry tree, and half the babies
in the country would have been named after some one else.
Possibly they might have all been Smiths. But for woman
Andrew Johnson never would have been, and future generations
would have lost the most awful example of depravity the
world has ever seen. I adore woman, but I want her to keep
her place. I don't want woman to be the coming man!
In considering this woman question I occupy the Conservative
standpoint. I find that from the most gray-headed times
one half of the human race have lived and moved by the grace
and favor of the other half. From the beginning woman has
occupied a dependent position, and has been only what man
has made her. The Turks, logical fellows, denied her a soul,
and made of her an object of barter and sale; the American
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Indians made of her a beast of burden. In America, since we
extended the area of civilization by butchering the Indians,
we have copied both. In the higher walks of life she is a toy
to be played with, and is bought and sold; in the lower strata
she bears the burdens and does the drudgery of servants, without
the ameliorating conditions that make other servitude
tolerable and possible to be borne. But I am sure that her
present condition is her proper condition, for it always has
been so.
Adam subjugated Eve at the beginning, and following precedent
Cain subjugated his wife. Mrs. Cain, not being an
original thinker, imitated her mother-in-law, who probably lived
with them, and made it warm for her, as is the custom of
mothers-in-law, and the precedent being established, it has been
so ever since. I reject with scorn the idea advanced by a
schoolmistress, that Eve was an inferior woman, and therefore
submitted; and that Eve's being an inferior woman was no
reason for classing all her daughters with her. “Had I been
Eve,” she remarked, “I would have made a different precedent!”
and I rather think she would.
The first record we have of man and woman is in the first
chapter of Genesis. “So God created man in his own image.
And he made man of the dust of the earth.” In the second
chapter we have a record of the making of woman by taking
a rib from man. Man, it will be observed, was created first,
showing conclusively that he was intended to take precedence
of woman. This woman, to whom I referred a moment since,
denied the correctness of the conclusion. Man was made first,
woman afterwards, — isn't it reasonable to suppose that the
last creation was the best? “If there is anything in being
first,” she continued, “man must acknowledge the supremacy
of the goose, for the fowl is first mentioned.” And she argued
further: “Man was made of the dust of the earth, the lowest
form of matter; woman was made of man, the highest and
most perfect form. It is clear that woman must be the better,
for she was made of better material!” But, of course, I look
upon this as mere sophistry.
I attempted to trace the relative condition of the sexes from
the creation down to the fall of man, but the Bible is silent
-- 664 --
[figure description] Page 664.[end figure description]
upon the subject, and the files of the newspapers of the period
were doubtless all destroyed in the flood. I have not been
able to find that any have been preserved in the public libraries
of the country. But it is to be presumed that they lived
upon precisely the terms that they do now. I shall assume
that Eve was merely the domestic servant of Adam — that
she rose in the morning, careful not to disturb his slumbers—
that she cooked his breakfast, called him affectionately
when it was quite ready, waited upon him at table, arranged
his shaving implements ready to his hand, saw him properly
dressed — after which she washed the dishes, and amused herself
darning his torn fig leaves till the time arrived to prepare
dinner, and so on till nightfall, after which time she improved
her mind, and, before master Cain was born, slept. She did
not even keep a kitchen girl; at least I find no record of anything
of the kind. Probably at that time the emigration from
Ireland was setting in other directions, and help was hard to
get. That she was a good wife and a contented one I do not
doubt. I find no record in the Scriptures of her throwing
tea-pots, or chairs, or brooms, or anything of the sort at Adam's
head, nor is it put down that at any time she intimated a desire
for a divorce, which proves conclusively that the Garden
of Eden was not located in the State of Indiana. But I judge
that Adam was a good, kind husband. He did not go to his
club at night, for, as near as I can learn, he had no club. His
son Cain had one, however, as his other son, Abel, discovered.
I am certain that he did not insist on smoking cigars in the
back parlor, making the curtains smell. I do not know that
these things are so; but as mankind does to-day what mankind
did centuries ago, it is reasonable to assume, when we
don't know anything about it, that what is done to-day was
done centuries ago. The bulk of mankind have learned nothing
since Adam's time. Eve's duties were not as trying as
those piled upon her daughters. As compared with the fashionable
women of to-day, her lot was less perplexing. Society
was not so exacting in her time. She had no calls to make,
or parties to give and attend. Her toilet was much simpler,
and did not require the entire resources of her intellect. If
her situation is compared with that of the wives of poorer
-- 665 --
[figure description] Page 665.[end figure description]
men, it will be found to be better. They had no meat to dress,
flour to knead, or bread to bake. The trees bore fruit, which
were to be had for the picking; and as they were strict vegetarians,
it sufficed. I have wished that her taste in fruit had
been more easily satisfied, for her unfortunate craving after
one particular variety brought me into trouble. But I have
forgiven her. I shall never reproach her for this. She is
dead, alas! and let her one fault lie undisturbed in the grave
with her. It is well that Eve died when she did. It would
have broken her heart had she lived to see how the most of her
family turned out.
I insist, however, that what labor of a domestic nature was
done, she did. She picked the fruit, pared it and stewed it,
like a dutiful wife. She was no strong-minded female, and
never got out of her legitimate sphere. I have searched the
book of Genesis faithfully, and I defy any one to find it recorded
therein that Eve ever made a public speech, or
expressed any desire to preach, practise law or medicine, or
sit in the legislature of her native State. What a crushing,
withering, scathing, blasting rebuke to the Dickinsons, Stantons,
Blackwells, and Anthonys of this degenerate day.
I find in the Bible many arguments against the equality of
woman with man in point of intellectual power. The serpent
tempted Eve, not Adam. Why did he select Eve? Ah, why,
indeed! Whatever else may be said of Satan, no one will, I
think, question his ability! I do not stand here as his champion
or even apologist; in fact, I am willing to admit that in
many instances his behavior has been ungentlemanly, but no
one will deny that he is a most consummate judge of character,
and that he has never failed to select for his work the most fitting
instruments. In this, as in all other respects, save ability,
A. Johnson was very like him. When America was to be betrayed
the first time, Satan selected Arnold; when the second
betrayal of the Republic was determined upon, he knew where
Jefferson Davis, Floyd, and Buchanan lived; and when he had
other dirty work to do, with unfailing instinct, he clapped his
claw on the shoulders of Chief Justice Chase, as he had before
drafted Seward and Doolittle. When there is a fearful piece
of jobbery to get through Congress or the New York
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[figure description] Page 666.[end figure description]
legislature, he never fails to select precisely the right persons for
the villany. Possibly he is not entitled to credit for discrimination
in these last-mentioned bodies, for he could not very
well go wrong. He could find instruments in either, with
both hands tied and blindfolded. But this is a digression.
Why did Satan select Eve? Because he knew that Eve the
woman, was weaker than Adam the man, and therefore best
for his purpose. This reckless female insisted that Satan approached
Eve first, because he knew that woman was not
afraid of the devil; but I reject this explanation as irrelevant,
At this point, however, we must stop. Should we go on, we
would find that Eve, the weak woman, tempted Adam, the
strong man, with distinguished success, which would leave us
in this predicament: Satan, stronger than Eve, tempted her to
indulge in fruit. Eve's weakness was demonstrated by her
falling a victim to temptation. Eve tempted Adam; Adam
yielded to Eve; therefore, if Eve was weak in yielding to
Satan, how much weaker was Adam in yielding to Eve? If
Satan had been considerate of the feelings of the conservatives,
his best friends, by the way, in all ages, he would have
tempted Adam first, and caused Adam to tempt Eve. This
would have afforded us the eddifying spectacle of the strong man
leading the weak woman, which would be in accordance with
our idea of the eternal fitness of things. But now that I look
at it again, this would'nt do; for it is necessary to our argument
that the woman should be tempted first, to prove that she
was the weaker of the two. I shall dismiss Adam and Eve with
the remark, that notwithstanding the respect one ought always
to feel for his ancestors, those whose blood is the same as that
running in his veins, I cannot but say that Adam's conduct in
this transaction was weak. If Adam's spirit is listening to me
to-night, I can't help it. I presume he will feel badly to hear
me say it, but truth is truth. Instead of saying boldly, “I
ate!” he attempted to clear his skirts by skulking behind
those of his wife's. “The woman thou gavest me tempted
me and I did eat,” he said, which was paltry. Had Adam been
stronger minded he would have refused the tempting bite, and
then only woman would have been amenable to the death
penalty that followed. This would have killed the legal
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profession in Chicago, for what man who was to live forever would
get a divorce from his wife who could live but eighty or
ninety years at best?
As a conservative, I oppose any advancement of woman,
because she is the inferior of man. This fact is recognized in
all civilized countries, and in most heathen nations. The
Hindoos, it is true, in one of their practices, acknowledge a
superiority of woman. In Hindostan, when a man dies, his
widow is immediately burned, that she may follow him, — an
acknowledgement that woman is as necessary to him in the
next world as in this. As men are never burned when their
wives die, it may be taken as admitting that women are abundantly
able to get along alone; or, perchance it may be because
men in that country, as in this, can get new wives easier than
women can get new husbands. The exit from this world by
fire was probably chosen, that the wife might in some measure
be fitted for the climate in which she might expect to find her
husband.
The inferiority of the sex is easy of demonstration. It has
been said that the mother forms the character of the man so
long, that the proposition has become axiomatic. If this be true,
we can crush those who prate of the equality of women, by
holding up to the gaze of the world the inferior men she has
formed. Look at the Congress of the United States. Look at
Garret Davis. By their works ye shall know them. It won't
do to cite me to the mothers of the good and great men whose
names adorn American History. The number is too small.
There's George Washington, Wendell Phillips, Abraham Lincoln,
and one other, whose name all the tortures of the Inquisition
could not make me reveal. Modesty forbids me.
Those who clamor for the extension of the sphere of woman,
point to the names of women illustrious in history, sacred and
profane. I find, to my discomfiture, that some of the sex
really excelled the sterner. There was Mrs. Jezebel Ahab,
for instance. Ahab wanted the vineyard of Naboth, which
Naboth refused to sell, owing to a prejudice he had against
disposing of real estate which he had inherited. Ahab, who
was not an ornament to his sex, went home sick, and took to
his bed like a girl, and turned away his face, and would eat no
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bread. Mrs. Ahab was made of sterner stuff. “Arise,” said
Mrs. A.; “be merry. I will give thee the vineyard of Naboth
the Jezrelite.” And she did it. She trapped him as neatly as
David did Uriah. She suborned two sons of Belial (by the
way Belial has had a large family, and the stock has not run
out yet), to bear false witness against him, saying that he had
blasphemed God and the King, and they took him out and
stoned him. Ahab got the vineyard. It is true this lady came
to a miserable end, but she accomplished what she desired.
Miss Pocahontas has been held up as a sample of female
strength of mind. I don't deny that she displayed some
decision of character, but it was fearfully unwomanly. When
her father raised his club over the head of the astonished
Smith, instead of rushing in so recklessly, she should have said,
“Please, pa, don't.” Her recklessness was immense. Suppose
Pocahontas had been unable to stay the blow, where
would our Miss have been then? She never would have
married Rolfe; and what would the first families of Virginia
have done for somebody to descend from? When we remember
that all the people of that proud State claim this woman
as their mother, we shudder, or ought to, when we contemplate
the possible consequences of her rashness.
Delilah, whose other name is not recorded, overcame Samson,
the first and most successful conundrum maker of his age, and
Jael, it will be remembered, silenced Sisera forever. Joan of
Arc conquered the English after the French leaders failed,
and Elizabeth of England was the greatest of English rulers.
I acknowledge all this, but then these women had opportunities
beyond those of women in general. They had as many
opportunities as the men of their respective periods had, and
consequently, if they were mentally as great as men, — no,
that isn't what I mean to say, — if the men of the period
were no greater mentally than they — no — if the circumstances
which surrounded them, gave them opportunities, which,
being mentally as great as men — I have this thing mixed up
somehow, and it don't result as it ought to — but this is true;
Delilah, Elizabeth, Joan of Arc — all and singular, unsexed
themselves, and did things unbecoming ladies of refinement
and cultivation. Joan's place was spinning flax in her father's
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hut, and not at the head of armies. Had she followed the
natural mode of feminine life she would not have been burned
at the stake, and the English would not have been interrupted
in their work of reducing France to the condition of an English
province. Had I lived in France, I should have said, “Down
with her! Let us perish under a man rather than be saved by
a woman!” Joan should have been ashamed of herself — I
blush for her. Had Elizabeth been content to entrust her
kingdom to the hands of her cabinet, she would have left it
in the happy condition of the United States at the close of
Buchanan's administration, but she would have been true to
our idea of the womanly life.
There is, in the feminine character, a decisive promptness
which we must admire. Eve ate the apple without a moment's
hesitation, and the characteristic is more beautifully illustrated
in the touching and well reported account of the courtship
and marriage of Rebekah with Isaac. Abraham's servant was
sent, it will be remembered, by such of you as have read the
Bible, to negotiate for a wife for young Isaac among his
kindred, as he had as intense a prejudice against the Canaanites
as have the Democracy of the present day. This servant,
whom we will call Smith, as his name unfortunately has not
been preserved, and Laban, the brother of Rebekah, had almost
arranged the matter. The servant desired to return with the
young lady at once, but the mother and brother desired her
to remain some days, contrary to modern practice, in that the
parents now desire the young lady to get settled in her own
house and off their hands as soon as possible. The servant
insisted, whereupon the mother remarked, “We will call the
damsel and inquire at her mouth.” They called Rebekah and
asked, “Wilt thou go with this man?”
It is related of a damsel in Pike county, Missouri, who was
being wedded to the man whose choice she was, when the
minister officiating asked the usual question, “Wilt thou have
this man to be thy wedded husband?” that dropping her long
eyelashes, she promptly answered, “You bet!” Even so
with Rebekah. She neither fainted, simpered, or blushed.
She did not say that she hadn't a thing fit to put on — that
her clothes weren't home from the dressmakers. No! Using
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the Hebrew equivalent for “you bet!” — for Rebekah was a
smart girl, and young as she was, had learned to speak Hebrew—
when the question was put to her, “Wilt thou go with this
man?” she answered, “I will,” — and she went. I don't know
that this proves anything, unless it be that women of that day
took as great risks for husbands as they do now. Miss Rebekah
had scarcely been introduced to her future husband.
It might be interesting to trace the history of this woman,
but I have hardly the time. I will say, however, that she was
a mistress of duplicity. To get the blessing of her husband
for her pet son Jacob, she put false hair upon him to deceive
the old gentleman, and did it. From that day to this, women
in every place but this, have deceived men, young as well as
old, with false hair.
The feminine habit of thought is not such as to entitle them
to privileges beyond those they now enjoy. No woman was
ever a drayman; no woman ever carried a hod; no woman
ever drove horses on the canals of the country; and what is
more to the point, no woman ever shovelled a single wheelbarrow
of earth on the public works. I triumphantly ask, Did
any woman assist in preparing the road bed of the Pacific
Railway? did any woman drive a spike in that magnificent
structure? No woman is employed in the forging department
of any shop in which is made the locomotives that climb
the Sierra Nevada, whose head-lights beam on the valleys of
the Pacific coast — the suns of our commercial system.
Just as I had this arranged in my mind, this disturbing
female, of whom I have spoken once or twice, asked me
whether carrying hods, driving horses on canals, or shovelling
dirt on railways, had been, in the past, considered the best
training for intelligent participation in political privileges?
She remarked, that judging from the character of most of the
legislation of which she had knowledge, these had been the
schools in which Legislators had been trained, but she hardly
believed that I would acknowledge it. “Make these the
qualifications,” said she, “and where would you be, my friend,
who have neither driven a spike, driven a horse, or shovelled
dirt? It would cut out all of my class (she was a teacher) —
indeed I know of but two women in America who would be
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admitted. The two women I refer to fought a prize fight in
Connecticut recently, observing all the rules of the English ring,
and they displayed as much gameness as was ever shown by
that muscular lawmaker, the Hon. John Morrissey. These women
ought to vote, and if, in the good time coming, women distribute
honors as men have done, they may go to Congress.”
I answered, that these classes had always voted, and therefore
it was right that they should always vote.
“Certainly they have,” returned she, “and as I have heard
them addressed a score of times as the embodied virtue, honesty,
and intelligence of the country, I have come to the conclusion
that there must be something in the labor they do
which fits them peculiarly for the duties of law-making.”
My friend is learned. She has a tolerable knowledge of
Greek, is an excellent Latin scholar, and as she has read the
Constitution of the United States, she excels in political lore
the great majority of our representatives in Congress. But
nevertheless I protest against her voting for several reasons.
1. She cannot sing bass! Her voice, as Dr. Bushnell justly
observes in his blessed book, is pitched higher than the male
voice, which indicates feminine weakness of mind.
2. Her form is graceful rather than strong.
3. She delights in millinery goods.
4. She can't grow whiskers.
In all of these points nature has made a distinction between
the sexes which cannot be overlooked.
To all of these she plead guilty. She confessed that she had
not the strength necessary to the splitting of rails; she confessed
that she could neither grow a beard or sing bass. She
wished she could grow a beard, as she knew so many men
whose only title to intellect was their whiskers. But she said
she took courage when she observed that the same disparity
was noticeable in men. Within the range of her acquaintance
she knew men who had struggled with mustaches with a perseverance
worthy of a better cause, and whose existence had
been blighted by the consciousness that they could not. Life
was to them, in consequence, a failure. Others she knew who
had no more strength than a girl, and others whose voices
were pitched in a childish treble. If beards, heavy voices,
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and physical strength were the qualifications for the ballot, she
would at once betake herself to razors, hair invigorators, and
gymnasiums. She went on thus: —
“In many respects,” she said, “the sexes are alike. Both
are encumbered with stomachs and heads, and both have bodies
to clothe. So far as physical existence is concerned they are
very like. Both are affected by laws made and enacted, and
both are popularly supposed to have minds capable of weighing
the effect of laws. How, thrust into the world as I am,
with a stomach to fill and limbs to clothe, with both hands
tied, am I to live, to say nothing of fulfilling any other end?”
“Woman,” I replied, “is man's angel.”
“Stuff and nonsense,” was her impolite reply. “I am no
angel. I am a woman. Angels, according to our idea of
angels, have no use for clothing. Either their wings are
enough to cover their bodies, or they are so constituted as
not to be affected by heat or cold. Neither do they require
food. I cannot imagine a feminine angel with hoop skirts,
Grecian bend, gaiters and bonnet; or a masculine angel in
tight pantaloons, with a cane and silk hat. Angels do not
cook dinners, but women do. Why do you say angels to us?
It creates angel tastes, without the possibility of their ever
satisfying those tastes. The bird was made to soar in the
upper air, and was therefore provided with hollow bones,
wings, &c. Imagine an elephant or a rhinoceros possessed
with a longing to soar into the infinite ethereal. Could an
elephant, with his physical structure, be possessed with such
a longing, the elephant would be miserable, because he could
not. He would be as miserable as James Fisk, Jr., is, with an
ungobbled railroad; as Bonner would be if Dexter were the
property of another man; and as Salmon P. Chase is with the
Presidency before him. It would be well enough to make
angels of us, if you could keep us in a semi-angelic state; but
the few thus kept only make the misery of those not so
fortunate the more intense. No; treat us rather as human
beings, with all the appetites, wants, and necessities of human
beings, for we are forced to provide for those wants, necessities
and appetites.”
I acknowledge the correctness of her position. They must
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live; not that they are of very much account in and of themselves,
but that the nobler sex may be perpetuated to bless
and adorn the earth. Without woman it would take less than
a century to wind up man, and then what would the world
do? This difficulty is obviated by marriage. All that we have
to do is to marry each man to one woman, and demand of each
man that he care for and cherish one woman, and the difficulty
is got along with. And got along with too, leaving things as
we desire them, namely, with the woman dependent upon the
man. We proceed upon the proposition that there are just as
many men as there are women in the world; that all men will
do their duty in this particular, and at the right time; that
every Jack will get precisely the right Jill, and that every Jill
will be not only willing, but anxious, to take the Jack the Lord
sends her, asking no questions.
If there be one woman more than there are men, it's bad
for that woman. I don't know what she can do, unless she
makes shirts for the odd man, at twelve and a half cents each,
and lives gorgeously on the proceeds of her toil. If one man
concludes that he won't marry at all, it's bad for another
woman, unless some man's wife dies and he marries again.
That might equalize it, but for two reasons: It compels the
woman to wait for a husband till she possibly concludes it isn't
worth while; and furthermore, husbands die as fast as wives,
which brings a new element into the field — widows; and pray
what chance has an inexperienced man against a widow determined
upon a second husband?
I admit, that if there were as many men as women, and if
they should all marry, and the matter be all properly fixed up
at the start, that our present system is still bad for some of
them. She, whose husband gets to inventing flying machines,
or running for office, or any of those foolish or discreditable
employments, would be in a bad situation. Or, when the husband
neglects his duty, and refuses to care for his wife at all;
or, to state a case which no one ever witnessed, suppose one
not only refuses to care for his wife, but refuses to care for
himself! Or, suppose he contracts the injudicious habit of
returning to his home at night in a state of inebriation, and of
breaking chairs, and crockery, and his wife's head, and other
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trifles — in such a case I must admit that her position would
be, to say the least, unpleasant, particularly as she couldn't
help herself. She can't very well take care of herself; for to
make woman purely a domestic creature, to ornament our
homes, we have never permitted them to think for themselves,
act for themselves, or do for themselves. We insist upon her
being a tender ivy clinging to the rugged oak — if the oak
she clings to happens to be bass-wood, and rotten at that, it's
not our fault. In these cases it's her duty to keep on clinging,
and to finally go down with it in pious resignation. The
fault is in the system, and as those who made the system are
dead, and as six thousand brief summers have passed over
their tombs, it would be sacrilege in us to disturb it. Customs,
like cheese, grow mitey as they grow old.
Let every woman marry, and marry as soon as possible.
Then she is provided for. Then the ivy has her oak. Then if
her husband is a good man, a kind man, an honest man, a sober
man, a truthful man, a liberal man, an industrious man, a managing
man, and if he has a good business and drives it, and meets
with no misfortunes, and never yields to temptations, why, then,
the maid promoted to be his wife, will be tolerably certain to,
at least, have all that she can eat, and all that she can wear,
as long as he continues so.
This disturbing woman of whom I have spoken once or
twice, remarked that she did not care for those who were
married happily, but she wanted something done for those who
were not married at all, and those who were married unfortunately.
She liked the ivy and the oak-tree idea, but she
wanted the ivy — woman — to have a stiffening of intelligence
and opportunity, that she might stand alone in case the oak
was not competent to sustain it. She demanded, in short, employment
at anything she was capable of doing, and pay precisely
the same that men receive for the same labor, provided
she does it as well.
This is a clear flying in the face of Providence. It is utterly
impossible that any woman can do any work as well as men.
Nature decreed it otherwise. Nature did not give them the
strength. Ask the clerks at Washington, whose muscular
frames, whose hardened sinews, are employed at from twelve
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hundred to three thousand dollars per annum, in the arduous
and exhausting labor of writing in books, and counting money,
and cutting out extracts from newspapers, and indorsing papers
and filing them, what they think of that? Ask the
brawny young men whose manly forms are wasted away in the
wearing occupation of measuring tape and exhibiting silks,
what they think of it? Are women, frail as they are, to fill
positions in the government offices? I asked her sternly,
“Are you willing to go to war? Did you shoulder a musket
in the late unpleasantness?”
This did not settle her. She merely asked me if I carried
a musket in the late war. Certainly I did not. I had too
much presence of mind to volunteer. Nor did the majority
of those holding official position. Like Job's charger, they
snuffed the battle afar off — some hundreds of miles — and
slew the haughty Southron on the stump, or by substitute.
But there is this difference: we could have gone, while women
could not. And it is better that it is so. In the event of another
bloody war, — one so desperate as to require all the patriotism
of the country to show itself, — I do not want my wife
to go to the tented field, even though she have the requisite
physical strength. No, indeed! I want her to stay at home—
with me!
In the matter of wages, I do not see how it is to be helped.
The woman who teaches a school, receives, if she has thoroughly
mastered the requirements of the position, say six
hundred dollars per year, while a man occupying the same
position, filling it with equal ability, receives twice that
amount, and possibly three times. But what is this to me?
As a man of business, my duty to myself is to get my children
educated at the least possible expense. As there are but very
few things women are permitted to do, and as for every vacant
place there are a hundred women eager for it, as a matter of
course, their pay is brought down to a very fine point. As I
said some minutes ago, if the men born into the world would
marry at twenty-one, each a maiden of eighteen, and take care
of her properly, and never get drunk, or sick, or anything of
that inconvenient sort, and both would be taken at precisely
the same time with consumption, yellow fever, cholera, or any
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one of those cheerful ailments, and employ the same physician,
that they might go out of the world at the same moment, and
become angels with wings and long white robes, it would be
well enough. The men would then take care of the women,
except those who marry milliners, in which case the women
take care of the men, which amounts to the same thing, as the
one dependent upon somebody else is taken care of. But it
don't so happen. Men do not marry as they ought at twenty-one;
they put it off to twenty-five, thirty, or forty, and many
of them are wicked enough not to marry at all; and of those
who do marry there will always be a certain per cent. who
will be dissipated or worthless. What then? I can't deny
that there will be women left out in the cold. There are those
who don't marry, and those who cannot. Possibly the number
thus situated would be lessened if we permitted women to
rush in and seize men, and marry them, nolens volens, but the
superior animal will not brook that familiarity. He must do
the wooing — he must ask the woman in his lordly way. Compelled
to wait to be asked, and forced to marry that they may
have the wherewithal to eat and be clothed, very many of
them take fearful chances. They dare not, as a rule, refuse
to marry. Man must, as the superior being, have the choice
of occupations, and it is a singular fact that, superior as he is
by virtue of his strength, he rushes invariably to the occupations
that least require strength, and which woman might fill
to advantage. They monopolize all the occupations — the
married man has his family to take care of — the single man
has his back hair to support; what is to become of these unfortunate
single women — maids and widows? Live they must.
They have all the necessities of life to supply, and nothing to
supply them with. What shall they do? Why, work of
course. But say they, “We are willing to work, but we must
have wages.” Granted. But how shall we get at the wages —
what shall be the standard? I must get my work done as
cheaply as possible. Now if three women — a widow, we will
say, with five children to support; a girl who has to work or
do worse; and a wife with an invalid husband to feed, clothe,
and find medicine for — if these three come to my door, clamoring
for the love of God for something to do, what shall I, as
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a prudent man, do in the matter? There are immutable laws
governing all these things — the law of supply and demand.
Christ, whose mission was with the poor, made other laws, but
Christ is not allowed to have anything to do with business.
Selfishness is older than Christ, and we Conservatives stick
close to the oldest. What do I do? Why, as a man of business,
I naturally ascertain which of the three is burdened with
the most crushing responsibilities and necessities. I ascertain
to a mouthful the amount of food necessary to keep each, and
then the one who will do my work for the price nearest starvation
rates gets it to do. If the poor girl prefers the pittance
I offer her to a life of shame, she gets it. If the wife is
willing to work her fingers nearer the bone than the others,
rather than abandon her husband, she gets it; and speculating
on the love the mother bears her children, I see how much of
her life the widow will give to save theirs, and decide accordingly.
I know very well that these poor creatures cannot saw
wood, wield the hammer, or roll barrels on the docks. I know
that custom bars them out of many employments, and that the
more manly vocations of handling ribbons, manipulating telegraphic
instruments, &c., are monopolized by men. Confined
as they are to a few vocations, and there being so many hundreds
of thousands of men who will not each provide for one,
there are necessarily ten applicants for every vacancy; and
there being more virtue in the sex than the world has ever
given them credit for, of course they accept, not what their
labor is worth to me and the world, but what I and the
world choose to give for it. It is bad, I grant, but it is the
fault of the system. It is a misfortune, we think, that there are
so many women, and we weep over it. I am willing to shed
any amount of tears over this mistake of nature.
But women are themselves to blame for a great part of the
distress they experience. There is work for more of them, if
they would only do it. The kitchens of the country are not
half supplied with intelligent labor, and therein is a refuge for
all women in distress.
I assert that nothing but foolish pride keeps the daughters
of insolvent wealth out of kitchens, where they may have
happy underground homes and three dollars per week, by
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merely doing six hours per day more labor than hod-carriers
average.
This is what they would do were it not for pride, which is
sinful. They should strip the jewels off their fingers, the laces
off their shoulders; they should make a holocaust of their
music and drawings, and, accepting the inevitable, sink with
dignity to the washing of dishes, the scrubbing of floors, and
the wash-tub. This their brothers do, and why haven't they
their strength of mind? Young men delicately nurtured and
reared in the lap of luxury, never refuse the sacrifice when
their papas fail in business. They always throw to the winds
their cigars; they abjure canes and gloves, and mount drays,
and shoulder saw-bucks — anything for an honest living. I
never saw one of these degenerate into a sponge upon society
rather than labor with his hands! Did you? I never saw
one of this class get to be a faro dealer, a billiard marker, a
borrower of small sums of money, a lunch-fiend, a confidenceman,
or anything of the sort. Not they! Giving the go by
to everything in the shape of luxuries, they invariably descend
to the lowest grades of manual labor rather than degenerate
into vicious and immoral courses. Failing the kitchen, women
may canvass for books, though that occupation, like a few
others equally profitable, and which also brings them into continual
contact with the lords of creation, has a drawback in
the fact that some men leer into the face of every woman who
strives to do business for herself, as though she were a moral
leper; and failing all these, she may at least take to the needle.
At this last occupation she is certain of meeting no competition,
save from her own sex. In all my experience, and it has been
extensive, I never yet saw a man making pantaloons at twelve
and one half cents per pair. But they will not all submit.
Refusing to acknowledge the position in life nature fixed for
them they rebel, and unpleasantnesses take place. An incident
which fell under my observation recently illustrates this
beautifully. A young lady, named Jane Evans, I believe, had
sustained the loss of both her parents. The elder Evanses
had been convinced by typhoid fever that this was a cold world,
and, piloted by two doctors, had sailed out in search of a better
one. Jane had a brother, a manly lad of twenty, who, rather
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than disgrace the ancient lineage of the Evanses by manual
labor, took up the profession of bar-tender. Jane was less
proud, and as her brother did nothing for her, she purchased
some needles, and renting a room in the uppermost part of a
building in a secluded part of the city of New York, commenced
a playful effort to live by making shirts at eighteen
cents each, for a gentleman named Isaacs. She was situated,
I need not say, pleasantly for one of her class. Her room was
not large, it is true, but as she had no cooking-stove or bedstead,
what did she want of a large room? She had a window
which didn't open, but as there was no glass in it, she had
no occasion to open it. This building commanded a beautiful
view of the back parts of other buildings similar in appearance,
and the sash kept out a portion of the smell. Had that
sash not been in that window-frame, I do not suppose that she
could have staid on account of the smell; at least I heard
her say that she got just as much of it as she could endure.
And in this delightful retreat she sat and sat, and sewed and
sewed. Sometimes in her zeal she would sew till late in the
night, and she always was at her work very early in the morning.
She paid rent promptly, for the genial old gentleman of
whom she leased her room had a sportive habit of kicking
girls into the street who did not pay promptly, and she managed
every now and then, did this economical girl, to purchase
a loaf of bread, which she ate.
One Saturday night she took her bundle of work to the delightful
Mr. Isaacs. Jane had labored sixteen hours per day
on them, and she had determined, as Sunday was close at
hand, to have for her breakfast, in addition to her bread, a
small piece of mutton. Mutton! Luxurious living destroyed
ancient Rome! But Mr. Isaacs found fault with the making
of these shirts. They were not properly sewed, he said, and
he could not in consequence pay her the eighteen cents each
for making, which was the regular price. Jane then injudiciously
cried about it. Now, Mr. Isaacs was, and is, possessed
of a tender heart. He has a great regard for his feelings, and
as he could not bear to see a woman cry, he forthwith kicked
her out of his store into the snow.
What did this wicked girl do? Did she go back and ask
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pardon of the good, kind, tender-hearted Mr. Isaacs? Not
she! On the contrary she clenched her hands, and passing by
a baker's shop, stole a loaf of bread, and, brazen thing that she
was, in pure bravado, she ate it in front of the shop. She said
she was hungry, when it was subsequently proven that she
had eaten within forty hours. Justice was swift upon the
heels of the desperate wretch — it always is, by the way, close
behind the friendless. She was arrested by a policeman, who
was opportunely there, as there was a riot in progress in the
next street at the time, which was providential, for had there
been no riot in the next street, the policeman would have been
in that street, and Jane Evans might have got away with her
plunder. She was conveyed to the city prison; was herded
in a cell in which were other women who had progressed farther
than she had; was afterwards arraigned for petty larceny,
and sent to prison for sixty days. Now see how surely evildoers
come to bad ends. The wretched Jane, — this fearfully
depraved Jane, — unable after such a manifestation of depravity
to hold up her head, fell into bad ways. Remorse for the
stealing of that loaf of bread so preyed upon her that she
wandered about the streets of the city five days, asking for
work, and finally threw herself off a wharf. O, how her
brother, the bar-tender, was shocked at this act! Had she continued
working cheerily for Mr. Isaacs, accepting the situation
like a Christian, taking life, as she found it, would she have
thrown herself off a dock? Never! So you see women who
do not want to steal bread, and be arrested, and go off wharves,
must take Mr. Isaacs' pay as he offers it, and must work
cheerily sixteen hours a day, whether they get anything to
eat or not. Had this wretched girl gone back contentedly to
her room, and starved to death cheerfully, she would not have
stolen bread, she would not have lacerated the feelings of her
brother the bar-tender, and would have saved the city of New
York the expense and trouble of fishing her out of the dock.
Such women always make trouble.
The women who fancy they are oppressed, demand, first,
the ballot, that they may have power to better themselves;
and, second, the change of custom and education, that they
may have free access to whatever employment they have
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the strength and capacity to fill, and to which their inclination
leads them.
Most emphatically I object to the giving of them the ballot.
It would overturn the whole social fabric. The social fabric
has been overturned a great many times, it is true — so many
times, indeed, that it seems rather to like it; but I doubt
whether it would be strong enough to endure this. I have
too great, too high, too exalted an opinion of woman. I insist
that she shall not dabble in the dirty pool of politics; that
she shall keep herself sacred to her family, whether she has
one or not; and under no consideration shall she go beyond the
domestic circle of which she is the centre and ornament.
There are those who have an insane yearning to do something
beyond the drudgery necessary to supply the commonest wants
of life, and others who have all of these, who would like to
round up their lives with something beyond dress and the unsatisfactory
trifles of fashionable life. There may be women
turning night into day over the needle, for bread that keeps
them just this side of potter's field, who are unreasonable
enough to repine at the system that compels them to this; and
they may, possibly, in secret wish that they had the power in
their hands that would make men court their influence, as the
hod-carrier's is courted, for the vote he casts. The seamstress,
toiling for a pittance that would starve a dog, no doubt prays
for the power that would compel lawmakers to be as careful of
her interests as they are of the interests of the well-paid male
laborers in the dock-yards, who, finding ten hours a day too
much for them, were permitted by act of Congress to draw
ten hours' pay for eight hours' work. The starved colorer of
lithographs, the pale, emaciated tailoress, balancing death and
virtue; drawing stitches with the picture of the luxurious
brothel held up by the devil before her, where there is light,
and warmth, and food, and clothing, and where death is, at
least, farther off; no doubt this girl wishes at times that she
could have that potent bit of paper between her fingers that
would compel blatant demagogues to talk of the rights of
workingwomen as well as of workingmen.
But woman would lose her self-respect if she mixed with
politicians. Most men do; and how could woman hope to
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escape. Think you that any pure woman could be a member
of the New York, New Jersey, or Pennsylvania legislatures, and
remain pure? For the sake of the generations to come, I desire
that one sex, at least, shall remain uncontaminated. Imagine
your wife or your sister accepting a bribe from a lobby member!
Imagine your wife or your sister working a corrupt measure
through the legislature, and becoming gloriously elevated
upon champaign in exultation over the result! No! I insist
that these things shall be confined to man, and man alone.
The mixing of women in politics, as all the writers on the
subject have justly remarked, would lower the character of
the woman without elevating that of the man. Imagine, O,
my hearers, a woman aspiring for office, as men do! Imagine
her button-holing voters, as men do! Imagine her lying gliby
and without scruple, as men do! Imagine her drinking with
the lower classes, as men do! of succeeding by the grossest
fraud, as men do! of stealing public money when elected, as
men do! and finally of sinking into the lowest habits, the vilest
practices, as Dr. Bushnell, in several places in his blessed book
on the subject, asserts that men do! You see that to make
the argument good, that women would immediately fall to a
very deep depth of degradation the moment they vote, we
must show that the act of voting compels men to this evil; at
least that is what Dr. Bushnell proves, if he proves anything.
We must show that the holding of an office by man is proof
positive that he has committed crime enough to entitle him to
a cell in a penitentiary, and that he who votes is in a fair way
thereto. Before reading the doctor's book, I was weak enough
to suppose that there were in the United States some hundreds
of thousands of very excellent men, whose long service
in church and state was sufficient guarantee of their excellence;
whose characters were above suspicion, and who had lived,
and would die, honest, reputable citizens. But as all male
citizens above the age of twenty-one vote, and as voting necessarily
produces these results, why, then we are all drunkards,
tricksters, thieves, and plunderers. This disturbing woman, to
whom I read Dr. Bushnell's book, remarked that if voting
tended to so demoralize men, and as they had always voted, it
would be well enough for all the women to vote just once,
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that they might all go to perdition together. I am compelled
to the opinion that the doctor is mistaken. I know of quite a
number of men who go to the polls unmolested, who vote their
principles quietly, and go home the better for having exercised
the right. I believe that, before and since Johnson's administration,
there have been honest men in office. But no woman
could do these things in this way. It would unsex her,
just as it does when a woman labors for herself alone.
Again. I object to giving the ballot to woman, because we
want peace. We don't want divided opinion in our families.
As it is, we must have a most delightful unanimity. An
individual cannot possibly quarrel with himself. As it is
now arranged, man and wife are one, and the man is that one.
In all matters outside the house the wife has no voice, and
consequently there can be no differences. O, what a blessed
thing it would be if the same rule could obtain among men!
Had the Radicals had no votes or voices, there would have
been no war, for the Democracy, having it all their own way,
there would have been nothing to quarrel about. It was
opposition that forced Jefferson Davis to appeal to arms.
True, the following of this idea would dwarf the Republicans
into pygmies, and exalt the Democracy into giants. My misguided
friend, Wendell Phillips, would shrink into a commonplace
man, possibly he would lose all manhood, had he been
compelled to agree with Franklin Pierce or hold his tongue.
It would be bad for Wendell, but there would have been a
calm as profound as stagnation itself. Our present system
may be bad for women, but we, the men, have our own way —
and peace. Our wives and daughters are, I know, driven,
from sheer lack of something greater, to take refuge in disjointed
gabble of bonnets, cloaks, and dresses, and things of
that nature, their souls are dwarfed as well as their bodies,
their minds are diluted — but we have peace.
Once more. It would unbalance society. Starting upon
the assumption that women have no minds of their own, and
would always be controlled by men, we can show wherein the
privilege would work incalculable mischief. Imagine Brigham
Young marching to the polls at the head of a procession of wives
one hundred and seventy-three in number, all of them with
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such ballots in their hands as he selects for them! Put
Brigham and his family in a close congressional district and
he would swamp it. Then, again, if they should think for
themselves, and vote as they pleased, they would overthrow
Brigham. In either case the effect would be terrible.
What shall we do with the woman question? It is upon us,
and must be met. I have tried for an hour to be a conservative,
but it won't do. Like poor calico, it won't wash. There
are in the United States some millions of women who desire
something better than the lives they and their mothers have
been living. There are millions of women who have minds and
souls, and who yearn for something to develop their minds
and souls. There are millions of women who desire to have
something to think about, to assume responsibilities, that they
may strengthen their moral natures, as the gymnast lifts
weights to strengthen his physical nature. There are hundreds
of thousands of women who have suffered in silence
worse evils by far than the slaves of the South, who, like the
slaves of the South, have no power to redress their wrongs,
no voice so potent that the public must hear. In the parlor,
inanity and frivolity; in the cottage, hopeless servitude,
unceasing toil; a dark life, with a darker ending. This is
the condition of woman in the world to-day. Thousands starving
physically for want of something to do, with a world calling
for labor; thousands starving mentally, with an unexplored
world before them. One half of humanity is a burden
on the other half.
I know, O, ye daughters of luxury, that you do not desire a
change. There is no need of it for you. Your silks could
not be more costly, your jewels could not flash more brightly,
nor your surroundings be more luxurious. Your life is pleasant
enough. But I would compel you to think, and thinking,
act. I would put upon your shoulders responsibilities
that would make rational beings of you. I would make you
useful to humanity and to yourselves. I would give the
daughters of the poor, as I have helped to give the sons
of the poor, the power in their hands to right their own
wrongs.
There is nothing unreasonable in this demand. The change
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is not so great as those the world has endured time and again
without damage. To give the ballot to the women of America
to-day, would not be so fearful a thing as it was ten years ago
to give it to the negro, or as it was a hundred years ago to
give it to the people.
I would give it, and take the chances. The theory of
Republicanism is, that the governing power must rest in the
hands of the governed. There is no danger in truth. If the
woman is governed, she has a right to a voice in the making
of laws. To withhold it is to dwarf her, and to dwarf woman
is to dwarf the race.
I would give the ballot to woman for her own sake, for I
would enlarge the borders of her mind. I would give it to
her for the sake of humanity. I would make her of more use
to humanity by making her more fit to mould humanity. I
would strengthen her, and through her the race. The ballot
of itself would be of direct use to but few, but indirectly its
effects would reach through all eternity. It would compel a
different life. It would compel woman to an interest in life,
would fit her to struggle successfully against its mischances,
and prepare her for a keener, higher, brighter appreciation of
its blessings. Humanity is now one-sided. There is strength
on the one side and weakness on the other. I would have
both sides strong. I would have the two sides equal in
strength, equally symmetrical; differing only as nature made
them, not as man and custom have distorted them. In this
do we outrage custom? Why, we have been overturning
customs six thousand years, and there are yet enough hideous
enormities encumbering the earth to take six thousand years
more to kill. In the beginning, when force was the law, there
were kings. The world tired of kings. There were false
religions. Jesus of Nazareth overturned them. Luther
wrecked a venerable system when he struck the church of
Rome with his iron hand; your fathers and mine stabbed a
hoary iniquity when they overturned kingcraft on this continent,
and Lovejoy, Garrison, and Phillips struck an institution
which ages had sanctioned when they assaulted slavery. The
old is not always the best.
I would have your daughters fitted to grapple with life
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alone, for no matter how you may leave them, you know not
what fate may have in store for them. I would make them
none the less women, but stronger women, better women. Let
us take this one step for the sake of humanity. Let us
do this much towards making humanity what the Creator
intended it to be, — like Himself.
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“IN SEARCH OF THE MAN OF SIN. ”
[figure description] Page 687.[end figure description]
A LECTURE
DELIVERED IN MUSIC HALL, BOSTON, DEC. 29, 1870.
I do not wish to be considered egotistic, for of all junior
blemishes in human nature egotism is to my mind the most
objectionable. He who stands perpetually and perpendicularly
as the capital letter I, with an exclamation point after it (the
latter calling attention to the former), is an unmixed nuisance
to society at large, and a particular and especial nuisance to
all with whom he may come into more immediate contact. The
honesty that needs self-proclamation will bear watching; the
man who blows his own trumpet generally plays a solo; and
besides, he adds falsehood to egotism, for he seldom has the
virtues he proclaims. Honest merit is always retiring and
shrinking, — which explains the cause of my being so little
known.
Yet a man may at times properly speak of himself; and this
is one of the times. That you may start fairly with me I must
refer to myself; but I shall do it with that modesty for which
I — and George Francis Train — are so celebrated, and touch
it as lightly, briefly, and delicately as possible.
I am a most excellent man — indeed, I know of no one who
has more qualities to be commended, and fewer to be condemned.
I commenced being good at a very early age, and
built myself up on the best models. I was yet an infant when
I read the affecting story of the hacking down of the cherry
tree by George Washington, and his manly statement to his
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father that he could not tell a lie. I read the story, and it
filled me with a desire to surpass him. I was not going to
allow any such boy as George Washington, if he did afterwards
get to be a President, to excel me in the moralities. Immediately
I seized an axe and cut down the most valuable cherry
tree my father had; and more, I dug up the roots, and burned
the branches, so that by no means could the variety be preserved;
and I went a skating one Sunday, that I might confess
the two faults, and be wept over and forgiven on account
of my extreme truthfulness. The experiments were, I regret
to say, partial failures. I was very much like George Washington;
but the trouble was, my father didn't resemble George
Washington's father to any alarming extent, which was essential
to the success of the scheme.
“Did you cut down that cherry tree?” asked he.
“Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little hatchet,”
I answered, striking the proper attitude for the old gentleman
to shed tears on me. But he didn't shed. He remarked that
he had rather I had told a thousand lies than to have cut down
that particular tree, and he whipped me till I was in a state of
exasperating rawness. As he gave me the last cut, he remarked
that the next time I wanted to give my virtues an
airing I had better select a less valuable tree. My skating
idea was no less a failure. I broke through the ice that Sunday
and was pulled out with difficulty — and a boat-hook. As
I lay sick for a month with a fever, I didn't get a chance to
get off the Washingtonian remark that time.
In addition to my excellence — I might say, absolute perfection—
of character (I put it, you see, as mildly as possible,
for modesty prevents me from saying all that I might of myself)
to these qualities of the heart, I have wisdom — natural
and acquired. Natural wisdom, for I was born in Maine,
which is proof positive, for doth not the Scriptures say the
wise men came from the East? (Their leaving the East was
then, as now, the great proof of their wisdom.) Acquired
wisdom, in proof of which I cite the fact that I went to Indiana
a married man, and after a residence of two years returned
with the same wife. I also went to the far West, and came
back without investing in a single corner lot. And that, too,
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in towns where the speculative proprietors have the thing
brought down to so fine a point that they ship the bodies of
those who die in them to the East, that the reputation of their
embryo cities for health may not be called in question. I
might also say that I am able to put those champion nuisances
of the age, life insurance agents, to route, but I will not, for you
wouldn't believe it.
I am a friend of humanity. I weep with such ease, and so
continuously, at the sight of distress, that I am known among
my intimate friends as that “benevolent old hydraulic ram.”
No man living has shed more tears over the woes of humanity,
and no man has collected more money — of his neighbors —
to relieve those woes.
That I am a patriot, I showed by not volunteering in the late
war after I was drafted, but by sending a substitute. So
much did I desire the success of the national cause, that I
wanted only good men at the front. The company that I was
to have gone in thought as I did, as the resolution they passed,
thanking me fervently for sending a man, instead of going myself,
sufficiently attests.
I have lived for many years in an obscure village in Vermont,
in which I am a man of some note. It don't take much
of a man to be of some note in a village of six hundred people.
I have a house there, in which I dwell all alone with my
books and my virtues — studying the one with profit, and contemplating
the other with delight. I have a farm and a stone quarry
there, though it puzzles visitors to determine just where the
farm ends and the stone quarry begins; and though I don't raise
much, I manage to eke out a comfortable existence by selling
one thousand-dollar sheep and Early Rose potatoes to western
farmers, and acting as solicitor for a theological seminary, lecturing
on temperance, and organizing Sunday schools, sandwiching
in between the two the selling of washing-machines.
I was entirely satisfied that I was devoid of sin, and believed
(not going out much) that there was none to speak of
in my neighbors. But I was aware that outside of our little
world wickedness had a vigorous existence and was rampant.
“There are,” I said to myself, “1,000,000,000 of people in the
world, my village included, of whom 999,999,400 are morally
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bound to share the fate of the wicked; five hundred and ninety-nine
may possibly get through by a close shave, and one
will be certain of a blissful future. I had no doubt of the triumphant
escape of one from all the evils which follow wickedness,
nor need I say that that one, that perfectly pure man—
was myself!
But the existence of sin, even at a distance, worried me.
I desired to have the whole world as pure, as good, at least, as
my neighbors; nay, I would, were such a thing possible, have
the whole world as pure and as good as myself, though I dared
not to hope for so much.
I determined to reform the world, or at least do something
towards it. Knowledge of what one is to do is essential to
success, and that I might get that knowledge I deliberately
left my home and wandered out in search of the man of sin.
Where should I go? To the islands of the sea, where the
rude islanders disport themselves on the burning sands, in
wretched ignorance of pantaloons, and the cheerful fact that
there is a lake of fire and brimstone in which they will eventually
be plunged? No! The missionaries convey to them
the catechism, and teach them to make themselves uncomfortable
in pantaloons; the merchant follows quickly with that
other civilizing agent, rum, which to their untutored stomachs
is lightning, and those not converted by the one are killed by
the other. The islanders are provided for. To Rome? To
Paris? To Boston? To the Indians of the West? No! The
Italians don't know any better, so they are not responsible;
the Parisians may plead temptations too great to be resisted,
for they have the plucking of all the rich idiots in the world.
I asked a Boston man, and he indignantly denied that there
had been any sin in Boston since Fulton's time; and, as the
Indians of the West generally confine their tonsorial operations
to government agents, their love of murder becomes a virtue.
I went to none of these. He who goes in search of sin
purchases a ticket for New York — that is, if he desires to see
the article in all its native fierceness. Some one said to me
that New York was the place to find original sin; but I do not
so believe. I found there none but the improved article.
When boys of experience go swimming, they plunge into the
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water all over, that they may take the shock at once and be
done with it. With the same idea, I wanted to see first the
hugest and largest specimen of wickedness I could find — the
Ichthyosaurus of iniquity — before taking the whales, the porpoises,
and the smaller fry.
“Show me the largest thing you have in wickedness,” said
I to my friend, who immediately tossed up a copper to determine
whether he should introduce me to a Wall Street gold
speculator, a railroad manager, a ward politician, or a burglar.
It was, he said, an even thing between them. The railroad
manager was indicated by the fall of coin, and I was introduced
to one. I found him at ten in the morning managing a
road to which he had not the ghost of a title; at eleven, lunching
with the ballet girls and their hangers on, who found employment
at his theatre, which, by the way, was purchased
with money earned by the railroad which the stockholders did
not get; at twelve, remorselessly ruining a score of brokers
who trusted his word; in the afternoon, dining with his corps
of ballet girls, and his own professional bullies; and going to
his bed in the morning, not for sleep, but for the quiet it afforded
him, to devise new and more startling rascalities. This
man was a rascal born. He was possessed of not a particle of
principle; there wasn't about him the slightest odor of honesty—
he would have said “taint” in place of odor; he was
rotten from top to bottom, and all through. He wallowed in
infamy, not from any necessity, but because he preferred and
liked it. He owned courts of justice, and controlled them; he
had judges in his hands and sheriffs at his beck, and with
these as his instruments he committed outrages, the lightest
of which, in a decently governed community, would have consigned
him to a cell in a penitentiary, and on the frontier would
have made him ornament a limb of a tree. Yet this man
was, and is, courted, and flattered, and feasted; statesmen sit
at his table; judges lunch with him, and New York feels honored
by his being a citizen.
I visited Vanderbilt, and inspected the leaky steamers he sent
to California, and from which, passage always being exacted
in advance, he made so much money. I gazed with wonder
at a brass statue of himself he erected over the Harlem depot.
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I should have been pleased with the statue, and thanked the
Lord for it, had it been the work of his administrators.
I interviewed James Gordon Bennett, and spent two days
in Wall Street. Determined to know by actual experiment
how far brazen-faced imposition, deliberate insolence, and
swindling could go, I took rooms at a first-class hotel, where
the clerks wear diamond pins, and where, if you address them
as “clerk,” you will get no answer, as they insist upon being
recognized, not as “clerks,” but as “gentlemen connected
with the hotel.” That I might know how deep politicians
dive, I attended a Democratic caucus in the Sixth Ward, and a
few days after stood around the polls and saw the repeaters
vote. Following along in this channel, I was presented to
Fernando Wood and his brother Ben; and right here I desire
to pay a tribute to these men. It requires an intellectual man
to be a very bad man. The stupid bad man who merely drifts,
will strike occasionally some rich nuggets of sin; the quick
intellect knows where to go for them and how to unearth
them. The great bad man must have sense enough to distinguish
between right and wrong, cussedness enough to choose
the latter, and brains enough to do something startling in that
way. The brothers Wood possess all these qualities in an
eminent degree. There may be some sins that they have not
committed, but if there are, it is only because they could not
reach them, and they doubtless experience the pangs of remorse
as they are made aware of their inability.
I saw the Hon. John Morrisey, and made the acquaintance
of a dozen street contractors. My friend, who knew the object
of my coming, invited me to visit Water Street, and see
men of the John Allen stripe, and also to explore the Peter
Funk auction shops, but I declined. Why go from the greater
to the smaller? Why investigate small scoundrels after going
through the big ones?
I made the acquaintance of a distinguished pugilist who
was in training for a congressional nomination. He had committed
a magnificent burglary, which was complicated somewhat
with murder, had killed a man in a bar-room fight, and
was about to appear in the prize ring.
It was a blessed thing for me that I got out of New York as
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I did. I hadn't been there three days before I felt an almost
irresistible desire to steal something; the fourth day I could
lie like a telegraph despatch, and I suppose in a week I should
have got to be as bad as the rest of them.
It was also a blessed thing that I did not go to Washington
during the administrations of Johnson or Buchanan. Going
when I did I saw enough. In that virtuous city my investigations
were confined to the three classes which make up its
resident population — namely, those who have been in office,
those who are in office, and those who want to be in office.
They may be distinguished by the paper collars they wear:
the first and last classes always wear dirty ones. The first
class spends its whole time in devising means to get away; the
second, in getting their salaries raised that they may live on
them, and in making their stay perpetual; the third, in getting
something to eat till they get into the second class. My investigations
were principally among the office-holders, and the
highest of them.
I saw cadetships sold for dollars; in fact, I was present at
one transaction of the kind where the buyer and the representative
who had the place for sale disagreed about twenty-five
dollars, the difference being almost enough to split the trade.
The man who wanted the cadetship swore roundly that he
could get one cheaper. The representative swore with equal
vehemence that it was impossible, as the vacancies had been
mostly sold, and there were but few in the market. The scene
reminded me so much of an encounter between two keen
horse-jockeys in my beloved Vermont, that, like the Swiss soldier
who hears the music of his native mountains, I wept.
The buyer insisted that he had been offered them for less,
whereupon the representative let him into a congressional
trade-trick. He revealed the fact that members who were in
arrears for board were in the habit of selling cadetships which
they didn't have. “Go,” said the virtuous member, “go and
buy a cadetship of one of them, but demand proof that your
son will be appointed, before you pay your money. You'll
come back to me quick enough, and be glad to deal with an
honest man.” The difference was finally compromised. The
buyer was one of the aristocracy of America, a manufacturer
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of patent medicines, and he had some millions of circulars
which he desired to send through the mails. He paid the
twenty-five dollars, and in consideration thereof had the use
of the member's frank for twenty days.
I met judges of courts in the Southern States, who, ten
years ago, were hostlers in livery stables in the North, and
whose knowledge of criminal law they had gained from standing
in the prisoner's dock. I met other carpet-baggers, equally
meritorious, who overrun the conquered South like locusts,
and who were just as voracious. Here the simile ends. They
did not devour the green things they came upon — they preserved
them carefully for the sake of their votes.
I was mistaken twice for a correspondent, and was offered
a hundred dollars each time to write a speech for a member
who was never sober enough to do it for himself. The wife
of the member loved to live in Washington, and she felt that
her husband must deliver a speech for effect at home. She
assured me that, while that efficient lawmaker was never sober
enough to write a speech, she had sufficient confidence in her
strategic powers to believe she could keep him sober long
enough to deliver a short one. This woman was too devoted
to her husband, and was wonderful in the ingeniousness of
her apologies for his shortcomings. She insisted to his constituents
that he would never do anything wrong, but for
liquor. “He was in liquor when he did it,” was her excuse
for all his sins. When a temperance man reproached him for
breaking the pledge of total abstinence, which he took to secure
his renomination, she exclaimed, with touching pathos,
“O, sir, forgive him; he was in liquor when he broke that
pledge!”
I saw men who had the reputation of being tolerably honest
at home, voting away millions of acres of public lands to
swindling corporations; but I did not see the transfer to them
of their slice of the plunder. If I had seen this part of the
play, I would not have exclaimed against their stupidity and
carelessness, as I did at the time. In characterizing them as
stupid and careless I did them great injustice. Every man of
them knew what he was about; in fact, no one but a man who
knows what he is about can live in a gorgeous mansion, drink
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champagne, and maintain such luxuries as carriages and
servants, in a high-priced city like Washington, on a salary of
five thousand dollars per year. It is true they have mileage
in addition, and it is true also that members from New York
go to Washington by way of New Orleans, and members from
Kentucky by way of Bangor, Maine, but that will not account
for their ability to meet such enormous expenditures. It is a
cruel injustice to stigmatize a man as stupid who goes to
Washington poor and returns rich on that salary.
I was particularly interested in men who had managed to
maintain their seats in Congress twelve years by riding one
hobby, and howling all those terrible years one cry. They
were political hand-organs, who could grind out only the tune
to which they were originally set, and, disprivacied or undisprivacied,
they ground out that tune with damnable sameness
and fiendish continuosity. These men were incapable
of voting intelligently on any question, and had not sense
enough to know that, when the institution, the denunciation
of which had made them, was dead, that they were dead, also.
They were political corpses; but instead of being content to
rest quietly in their graves, as gentlemanly and well-regulated
corpses do, they insisted upon walking up and down the earth
with their cerements clinging to them. They insisted upon
re-nominations and re-elections, shrieking that their fidelity to
principle, as they termed their extreme fidelity to themselves,
entitled them to a life-lease of a position in which they might
rattle around, but could never fill.
One man, who had represented an advanced anti-slavery
district, every voter in which was way beyond Wendell
Phillips in his abolitionism, claimed the admiration of the
world for having never wavered in his devotion to freedom,
and the people yielded their praise, forgetting that had he
ever wavered as much as a hair's breadth it would have been
his political death. Because he had always voted with his
party on the slavery question, which any man who can distinguish
between right and wrong may comprehend, he asked
to be allowed to continue in Congress and vote upon such
questions as banks, tariffs, and other nice points in governmental
matters, upon which men of ability have spent years
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of earnest thought. One of this class, who was on the Committee
of Ways and Means, knowing me to be a man of
business, asked me to tell him something about the National
Debt.
This legislator explained to me his method of doing the
business of the public. He said that it was easy enough in
1866 to vote on the nigger question, even if it did get complicated
sometimes, for all he had to do was to vote as Thad
Stevens and Shellabarger did. The roll is called alphabetically,
R S T, &c. His name was fortunately Thompson, and
could only be called after Stevens. Had it been Adams, or
Albright, or Banning, or Brown, or Curtis, or Channing, he
would have been compelled to resign. But being Thompson,
and T coming in the alphabet after S, it was easy enough.
Stevens, yea; Shellabarger, yea; Thompson, yea; and vice
versa.
But the poor man was now in a bad way. Stevens is dead,
and gone where all good men go. After a stormy life he is at
last in heaven and at peace. In heaven, for he always
fought for the right; at peace, for there are no pro-slavery
Democrats there for him to fight. Stevens is dead, and
Shellabarger is out of Congress, and the two Republican
Representatives in the House whose names begins with S,
are on different sides on all the questions of the day. Puzzled
which side to take, he turned to the platforms of the party, but
found, to his disgust, that they covered both sides, as all platforms
do. He had observed that the platforms were always
made by Federal office-holders, and singularly enough, that
whatever else they might contain, they invariably indorsed
the administration of President Grant, and he went to that
great man to find out, if possible, what the principles of the
party were. “With which wing do you hold?” asked the
perplexed Thompson.
“With which wing do I hold? I believe that Dexter is the
fastest trotting horse in America,” was the clear and satisfactory
response of this master of statecraft.
Thompson was an orator of the florid order, which oratory
was the cause of his being inflicted upon a long-suffering and
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patient country. His speaking was corruscative. It was
lurid, loud, and fizzy, as though his parents, just before his
birth, had sold small beer at torchlight processions and campmeetings.
By virture of lungs alone, he had managed to pass
for something in this easily deceived world. He had maintained
his position all these years on the slavery question
alone. When the righteous Fifteenth Amendment was likely
to become law, he prayed that the Democracy might be able
to defeat it, for what could he do without that juicy old sin to
batter at? He was a reformer; and what is a reformer without
something to reform? One might as well be a corn-doctor
in a country where the women care nothing for small feet, and
the men all wear large and easy boots.
I met another class of politicians, who, to some extent,
deceived me. I observed a baker's dozen who damned, with
a vehemence that was edifying, Slavery and all its outgrowths.
They denounced it as vile, unholy, and unchristian, and the
least of its consequences as ruinous and destructive. They
stood a long way in advance of Garrison and Phillips, and
elbowed out of the way the oldest and most consistent anti-slavery
men, on the score of their lack of Radicalism. I was
lost in admiration, but I recovered myself when I learned the
fact that these men were, as late as March, 1861, defending
slavery from the Bible, and damning, with equal fervency,
every one who doubted its divinity, its righteousness, or its
expediency. Men who were ferocious, fire-eating, pro-slavery
men as late as March, 1861, by a sudden shift a month later,
won the opportunity of making sad failures as Major-Generals,
and afterwards by out-Heroding Herod in their dovotion to
liberty and equality, managed to occupy high seats in the
Republican synagogue, from which sublime heights they looked
down compassionately upon the old time Liberty-party men of
1836, and with contempt upon the Free-soilers of 1848, and the
Republicans of 1856. From this I gathered a valuable lesson,
namely, that in politics it is well to do the right thing and be
a good man, provided you don't commence doing right and
being good too soon. It is a good thing in the United States
to be an anti-slavery man, provided you were a fierce and
bitter pro-slavery man so late as 1861.
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I was in Washington in the time of a lunatic named Jencks,
of Rhode Island, who, notwithstanding his experience in the
House, fancied he could get a bill through it that had common
sense in it. Laboring under that delusion, he introduced a
bill requiring persons aspiring to positions under the government
to appear before a Board of Examiners, and show that
they had fitness therefor. He called it a Civil Service bill.
The principle of the bill was so clearly right — so necessary
indeed — that I supposed, in my innocence, that it would
become law at once. I supposed that members would chafe
at the delay in pushing it through committees, and would
worry at the time necessary to be sacrificed to red tape before
they could get at it. I was the more certain that it would go
through, for I knew of persons occupying responsible positions,
who never would have been trusted by the men who
procured their appointments with any business of their own.
I knew of common gamblers and common swindlers in places
where they had the handling of government money, and as
they were buying farms in their native counties, on salaries
of eighteen hundred dollars per year, it was evident that
they handled to advantage. I found, in all the departments,
mediocres, imbeciles, incompetents, nothings, rakes, gamblers,
peculators, plunderers, scoundrels; and as this bill of Mr.
Jencks was intended to cure all this, I supposed, of course,
that it would pass — indeed, I wondered that it had not been
made law before. But it did not pass. One Representative
was shocked that any one could be so heartless as to propose
it. When I intimated that the interests of the people demanded
it, he promptly replied, with a show of much indignation,
that take away his patronage, which this bill did, and he
couldn't hold his position at all — indeed, without it he couldn't
be renominated.
“But,” said I, “I know of a Revenue Officer of your
appointing who is as complete a scoundrel as ever went
unhung.”
“True,” was the reply. “I know it, too; but he can carry
the delegates of the third ward of my city at any time, and
without him at my back I stand no chance whatever.”
I did not tell him, as perhaps I should have done, that while
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a failure to secure a renomination might work badly for the
Representative himself, and possibly for his wife and eldest
daughter, and the ring of followers the possession of the offices
gave him, nevertheless the rest of the world would manage
to get along in some way if he were not renominated. I did
not intimate, which I might have done, that the very fact that
he could not be renominated but for the influence given him
by the offices he controlled, was a good reason why he should
not be renominated; indeed, a sufficient one. But this Representative
was laboring under the delusion that he was in
Washington solely for his own benefit, and I discovered that
perhaps half his associates cherished the same idea. I did
suggest to him that he might go out of Congress and go
home.
“But what could I do at home?” he asked.
The conundrum was too heavy for me, and I gave it up. I
couldn't really see what such a man could do at home. And
as I saw so many like him, it occurred to me that in half the
districts, at least, whenever they found a man absolutely good
for nothing that they knew of, they sent him to Congress, on
the principle that there must be some use for all men. And
in filling other official positions, the rule adopted was precisely
opposite that which governed men in the selection of men to
do their own business. The question of fitness was never
raised, and the strongest thing that could be said for a man
was, that he couldn't get a living at anything else. The offices
of the country were made into so many hospitals for genteel
imbecility.
I staid in Washington long enough to witness an effort to
repeal the franking privilege. I saw it stated — nay, proven—
that members had sold the use of their franks to lottery
dealers, to bogus publishers, to patent medicine men — to all,
in short, who desired the free use of the mails. I waded
through columns of figures, showing the cost of delivery of
thousands of tons of that delightful and improving literature—
Patent Office Reports and Statistics of Commerce — to the
people (the statistics of commerce going invariably to farmers,
and the agricultural reports to merchants), the printing and
carrying of which was to be charged directly to this privilege.
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I saw tons of public documents, in their original wrappers,
piled up in the shops of the dealers in old paper, all of which
the government paid a dozen prices for, as it does for everything
else. I knew one young man in my native town, born
of poor but honest parents, who had ambition to rise. He
supposed that a careful reading and study of the reports was
necessary to his being well informed, and with a heroism that
would have made him great, had it been properly directed, he
did read all that his Congressman sent him. In one year that
hapless youth was in a lunatic asylum, and his Representative
wasn't much of a man for sending documents either. I
saw the poor fellow a week ago sitting by a table in a state of
hopeless lunacy, muttering to himself something about the imports
of hides from Brazil. As in the case of the Civil Service
bill, I supposed the repeal would pass at once, but I was undeceived
one night. I was present at a caucus called to strangle
it by the loudest-mouthed advocates of the measure. I
was made aware that the proposition to repeal was merely a
tub thrown to that stupid whale, the public, with which it
should amuse itself till the throwers got safely away with the
plunder they had previously grabbed. I saw the same thing
done with other measures in other ways. I knew one member
who had been elected by pledging himself to the repeal of a
law obnoxious to the people of his district, who called a
meeting of members to insure its defeat as soon as he should
introduce it. He secured enough votes to defeat it certainly,
and then brought in his bantling and made a sham fight over
it, in which there was much beating of rhetorical gongs, and
much blowing of oratorical trumpets, and he pretended to
weep with rage when it was strangled. The ingenious man
was, of course, applauded by his constituency for his manly
struggle in defence of the right, and triumphantly re-elected.
His constituents denounced bitterly, by resolution, the members
who voted against the measure, but as they represented
other districts it didn't hurt them much.
“Why,” I exclaimed in wonder, “doesn't some honest member
expose these scoundrelly practices?”
“Where will you find the honest member?” was the pertinent
interrogatory in answer.
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I saw offices created for the sole purpose of making places
for the adherents of members. I attended caucuses, and found
that, in the discussion of pending measures, the only question
was, “How will this affect the party?” I saw measures, the
success of which seemed to me to be of the highest and gravest
importance, slaughtered mercilessly, that the re-election of
one member might be assured; and I saw the nation made absurd
in the eyes of the world, because one member had a
thousand Irish votes in his district which he was trying to
catch by baiting them with thin buncombe. I saw members
from one State agree to vote for swindles proposed by members
from other States, upon condition that the favor should be
returned on demand. I saw women of doubtful character —
no, there was nothing doubtful about that — carrying swindles
through Congress by force of their blandishments, and I saw
gamblers and pugilists wielding an influence that Clay and
Adams never possessed.
When I went to Washington I leaned towards the idea of
universal salvation — I left as rigidly orthodox as the most
rigid could desire. I was convinced that if there was no lake
of fire and brimstone, and a very hot one, in the future, there
had been a gross error made. Afterwards I returned to my
original belief; but in view of the fact that even Congressmen
were to be eventually saved with others, I had to recall the
other fact that the thieves on the cross were pardoned, before
I could comprehend the depths and breadth of infinite mercy.
My soul was debilitated with the quantity and quality of the
depravity I had taken in, and I wanted a moral tonic. I left
Washington and went to Trenton, the capital of New Jersey,
to recuperate. I tarried in Trenton, believing that members
of the State legislature, being chosen from the rural population,
in coming to a State capital I had struck the right shop
for virtue. I was undeceived — indeed, I was in the business
of being undeceived.
Before I had been about the State House a day I saw enough
stupidity, peculation, and corruption to make me almost despair
of popular government. “Thank God!” I exclaimed, “that
Japanese customs do not prevail in New Jersey.”
“To what particular customs do you allude?” asked a New
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Jersey man, who had spent a whole winter in a vain attempt
to restrain a monopoly which was devouring his substance.
“I allude to that one which compels a Japanese official to
rip his bowels the moment he commits a blunder or a crime.
I thanked the Lord that it did not obtain here, for if it did,
there never would be a quorum in the New Jersey legislature.”
Never shall I forget the look of indignation that venerable
man fixed upon me.
“You are a man,” said he, “and doubtless had a mother.
Can you cherish such a hatred of the people of New Jersey
as to thank God that the lack of a custom so wholesome as
the one you mention entails upon them such a legislature?”
And he lifted up his hands in horror.
I saw a bill introduced contracting the privilege of a monopoly.
I saw the attorney of that monopoly meet the members
who had introduced and advocated the bill, and ask in plain,
unvarnished English, without circumlocution or attempt at disguise,
how many dollars paid in hand they would take to kill
it. One new member — he was in his first session, and was
therefore virtuous — opposed the sale vigorously. He was
offered one hundred dollars, but he refused, denouncing the
monopoly as odious. At two hundred and fifty dollars, he
wasn't quite certain that it was a monopoly; at five hundred
dollars, he knew it wasn't a monopoly, but he thought that the
interests of the people demanded a curtailment of privilege,
at least in part; at seven hundred and fifty dollars, he really
did not know what to do about it — it was a puzzling thing,
and required thought; at one thousand dollars he swore that
the company was a blessing to the State, and that the attempt
to injure it by imposing legislative restrictions was an outrage,
and he voted against the bill with thundering emphasis. This
man's sense of right, like an old musket, was honeycombed,
and not strong enough at the breech to bear a severe trial
without bursting. One thousand dollars was too much pressure
on the square inch, and it exploded. The money was
paid, the bill was defeated by the men who introduced it, and
that night the hotels swam in champagne.
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“If there is no virtue in rural legislators,” I asked myself,
“where will you look for it?”
I pondered on this conundrum, and finally got an answer.
Less should be expected of a ruralist than of the more wealthy
dweller in cities. Human nature is the same in city and country.
It takes less to make a yeoman rich than it does a banker
or merchant, and consequently it takes less to buy him.
“But don't the perpetrators of all this iniquity get fearful
sometimes of being brought to account?” I asked.
“No,” was the answer. “Firm in the belief that mankind
is divided into two classes, rascals and ninnies, they march on
confident and secure. They fleece the ninnies, and divide
with the rascals, which is the sum total of New Jersey legislation.”
“But reputation?” I said, inquiringly.
My friend replied with an anecdote after the manner of Lincoln.
Two fellows were in a lock-up one night, a policeman
having picked them up for being drunk and disorderly. One
of them was in that peculiar stage of drunkenness in which
the victim feels he is abused.
“This is infamous,” he said. “My reputation is lost!”
“Lost! — your reputation's lost!” exclaimed the other with
a thick voice, as he clung swaying to the bars. “Your reputation's
lost! There ain't nothing mean about me, Harry; take
mine!”
“There isn't,” said the cynic, “a member of the body
who wouldn't be glad to trade his reputation for anybody
else's.”
I went sadly on. Sadly, for in my investigations I had
found a thousand times more of iniquity than I had any idea
could have existed. I had not calculated on the certainty of
the crop or the enormity of the yield. I started out, like the
naturalist, in search of what I supposed to be a rare plant, and
I found myself in a wilderness of it. I expected to browse
about the world, taking here a nip and there a nip of iniquity,
but I found myself, whichever way I turned, in broad meadows
of it, like a horse in clover. I had found the man of sin honored
in business circles in New York, honored and applauded
at the National capital, and in the State capitals. He had been
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introduced to me as a merchant, as a railroad manager, as a
banker, as a representative; I found him in the senate, in the
cabinet, and on the supreme bench; I saw him sitting in force
in both branches of a State legislature; I found him everywhere.
On my way home I stumbled into a convocation of reformers,
who had gathered to organize for the promotion of an object
in which I could see great good. I seated myself as gladly in
their midst as a traveller in the great desert sits down by the
side of running water and under the grateful shade of trees.
Here, I thought, there can be neither envy, malice, ambition,
or self-seeking, for these labor for humanity; each will insist
not upon his own good, but the preferment of others. I expected
to find so much of self-abnegation that I was troubled
when I thought how much valuable time would be wasted in
vain attempts to organize, as each would be determined to
force the honor of the movement upon others.
There were seventy present, and it was agreed to elect the
officers of the association by ballot. Alas! for my belief.
When the ballots were counted out it was found that sixty-nine
of the seventy had each just one vote for president, and
the handwriting on the ballots betrayed the awkward fact that
each had voted for himself. One had two votes, — his own and
mine, — which elected him; whereupon the meeting broke up
in disorder, and each of the sixty-nine started a society of his
own, of which he could be the head.
All my life I had occupied what might be called a neutral
position on the Woman question. I had been what might be
called a Conservative-Radical; or, to state my position more
definitely, for I like to be accurate, a Radical-Conservative. I
had not so high an opinion of the sex as some of my friends,
or so low as others. There are those who are so crazy in their
adoration of the sex, as to assert that no man ever met a woman
without being the better for it. These I always crushed, by
asking them if Adam was the better for having met Eve? On
the other hand, when a railer at the weaknesses of the sex
would assert that no woman ever kept a secret, I crushed them,
by demanding the name and post-office address of any unmarried
woman above twenty-five who had ever divulged her age,
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or any woman, married, single, or divorced, who ever confided
to any one the fact that her hair, teeth, or complexion were
artificial. I held, and had always, that the virtues were inherent
in woman, and so believing, felt it unnecessary to look for
sin among them, that is, to any alarming extent.
My experience in New York, Washington, and Trenton
shook my faith in woman somewhat. I discovered that women
can be wicked, and when they are wicked they are very wicked.
I found that they are not all truthful; and that when they
set out to lie, they do it with an ease, a grace, a smoothness
that sugar-coats the most audacious falsification, and makes it
go down as easily as the sweetest truth. I found them horribly
insincere in everything relating to the stronger sex. They
would flirt and trifle with them, and I never heard but one
who even condemned the practice, and her condemnation, severe
as it was, did not count when I cited it, for she was
thirty-nine, and had had small-pox, and cross-eyes, and wore a
wig, and was thin and angular, and had freckles, and very
sandy hair, and her nose turned up, and her teeth were bad,
and she didn't know how to dress, and had large feet, and
very large, bony hands, and a stoop in her shoulders, and some
other defects in her person unnecessary to enumerate, as from
what I have said regarding her you may infer that she was not
the belle of her native village. She protested vehemently
against this thing of ensnaring young men, and when they had
lost all control of themselves in their adoration, of casting
them off heartlessly. She had never done it, nor never would—
she had always blasted their budding hopes at the beginning.
When I repeated this noble resolution to a bevy of
girls, dressed artlessly in ringlets and white muslin, they
winked at each other and tittered. The noble example I set
before them did not produce the effect I hoped.
I found them vain. I knew women between the ages of
eighteen and twenty-four who habitually consumed four hours
each day in adorning their persons, that they might enjoy the
ecstasy of a half hour's promenade to show their feathers.
They never returned in good humor — they were invariably
disappointed. If there should be no crowd to gaze upon them,
they lost the object of their going; if there was a crowd, they
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always encountered some woman arrayed still more gorgeously,
which was poison. Then, again, they lack judgment as to the
men upon whom to lavish their admiration. They esteem appearance
and pretension more than they do real manly beauty
and intellect. I have known them to pass ME by with the
merest and coldest nod, and blossom out all over with smiles
at the approach of a fop, whose mustache was like a base ball
club, nine on a side, and whose other points were as weak as
his mustache.
But these were the lightest of the sins I found I would have
to charge to them. I found that they were sometimes avaricious,
and that when avaricious, for absolute downright stinginess
and closeness the most intense miser was an infant beside
them. As their capacity for good was greater and
higher than man's, so was their capacity for evil, which
made me thank the Lord that physically they are weaker, and
that home influences set the most of their heads in the right
direction, and the lack of opportunity keeps them following
their noses. But I saw fearful evidences of their capacity for
making trouble. I met one beautiful girl, so modest in appearance
as to disarm suspicion that she could do anything that
savored of worldliness, who sued a rich widower for breach of
promise. This modest, shrinking, delicate girl was at that
very time engaged to a penniless young man whom she really
loved. To make sure that the damages to be wrested from
the rich widower would be large enough to set her affianced
up in business, she got judge and jurymen crazy in love with
her, and engaged herself to every one of them. Each one
now had a direct interest in the verdict, for each one expected
to marry the plaintiff, and a verdict would be her dowry. The
judge annihilated the gay old Lothario in his charge, and the
jury, without leaving the box, decided that her heart had been
broken, and that twenty thousand dollars wwas the least salve
that could be applied to the breach. The jurymen were heart-broken
when they found her married to her young man; the
extent of the chagrin of the judge may be inferred from the
fact that he resigned his office — a thing never done save when
a lacerating necessity exists. The widower was heart-broken
when the amount of the verdict was announced, and at the
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loss of reputation; the girl and her new husband, who had invested
largely in furniture and things on the strength of the
verdict, were heart-broken when they discovered that the defendant,
against whom they had judgment, had been speculating
in gold, and had taken Jim Fisk's word, and consequently
was not worth a dollar in the world. And all this misery resulted
from the duplicity of one woman.
My attention was, however, directed more particularly to
their intolerable extravagance and recklessness in expenditure,
at which my soul groaned.
I observed women whose chignons were larger than themselves,
whose ordinary dress cost more than an ordinary farm,
and whose habits had become so luxurious as to make the support
of one a matter of grave consideration. Particularly was
I shocked to notice in all cases that trimming — the mere ornamentation—
cost twice or thrice as much as the dress itself,
and that the labor of making and attaching this ornamentation
was more than either. I saw genius employed, not in permanently
beautifying the world, but in decking a weak woman for
an afternoon walk or drive. I wept bitter tears as I saw on their
heads false hair, on their cheeks artificial color, and over all
dress, the primary object of which was appearance. I cast up
in my mind the cost of apparel which would serve all the real
uses of clothing, namely, the protection of the body from the
elements, and sighed as I compared it with the bills of the
dressmaker. And all this extravagant expenditure in a world
in which there are thousands in darkness for want of means to
enlighten them, and thousands starving for want of food.
When I reached home I thanked the Lord that I brought
with me a moral constitution sound and unimpaired. As I
neared my village, and saw the spire of the church rising
above the grove in which it nestled, I involuntarily thanked
Heaven that I could lay me down that night where there was
no sin.
During my absence I had acquired a habit of observation
which I could not help indulging, and I commenced making
notes of what few trifling departures came under my notice.
I did observe that Seth Robinson, — Deacon Robinson, — one
of our two merchants, was given to covetousness, and
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nourished too strong a desire for worldly goods. To get gain he
would rise every morning at the unchristian hour of four to
set his store in order, and the hours between four and seven
he passed in nervous misery, waiting for customers who were
yet taking that last delicious nap before rising which all properly
constituted and evenly-balanced men and women so highly
appreciate. Then he pursued his business all day so eagerly,
was so careful that in every transaction the odd penny should be
turned in his favor, held open his place of business so late
in the night to catch the last late buyer, and finally closed so
regretfully to think that eight long hours would elapse before
there could be more money-getting.
Of all this I could hardly approve. It is well for the new
beginner to have all this care, and be at all these pains for
dollars, for he hath his fortune to make. It would be well for
one advanced in years, who was accumulating money for some
great charity, to be thus eager in pursuit of coppers; but the
Deacon is not only rich, but he is sixty. He can't enjoy
the money he has on this earth; he cant't take it with him;
and if he could it would do him no good — it would melt! He
will hold to every dollar he can make so long as there is
strength in his fingers. Money-getting, in his case, is simply
avarice, — the desire to get money for the sake of money, —
which is about the lowest and the meanest of the vices. What
better is the Deacon than Fisk or Vanderbilt, save in the extent
of their operations? The one grasps dollars, the other
pennies; but they both grasp, and therein is the sin. The
Deacon is a small Vanderbilt; but unfortunately sins are estimated
as are eggs — by count, not weight. The sin is as
heinous if it does not produce such great results.
I turned from Robinson, and contemplated his rival in business—
Bibney. Bibney was the opposite of Robinson, and to
me a more pleasing picture to look upon. He was noted
for his charity, and was regarded by his neighbors as one
whose soul melted with love to all mankind. I saw him give five
dollars to a poor man who had fallen on the street, and I warmed
towards him, for the man was needy, and I was exercised in
my mind for fear that some of my neighbors would not relieve
him. I would have liked it better had he slipped the money
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quietly in his hand and passed on. I thought at the time that
he was rather loud-mouthed in his pity, and that he brandished
his bank-note in the faces of the crowd that had gathered
twice or thrice too many times, but he gave the five dollars.
I was astonished, and confess grieved, on tracking this charity
to its hole, — for it ended in a hole, — to find that he paid the village
editor twice the amount of the gift to have a circumstantial
account of the transaction published to the world. I was
more astonished and more grieved at unearthing the fact that
he had arranged with the mendicant to fall where he did, that
a crowd might be gathered to witness his generosity. I noticed
also that the fifteen dollars had been well expended, for
his store was crowded for a week.
Bibney's wife belonged to the Presbyterian church, but he
attended them all. He had the reputation of giving liberally
to all, but the acute man managed to maintain a reputation for
liberality without giving to any. The Presbyterians never got
anything, “for you know,” he would say, “I have to give to
all of them, and really it is too much of a tax.” To the others
he would plead his wife's membership with the Presbyterians,
and the fact that it took all that he could afford from other charities
to keep “our own church going.” I saw him once walk
a square out of his way for a week to avoid the necessity of
dropping a small coin into the box of a disabled soldier, who
was grinding a livelihood out of an exasperating hand-organ.
I found an admirable contrast to Bibney in Mrs. Virginia
Swan, the gifted writer of spiritual hymns. “There,” said I
to myself, “must be a perfect character. These outgushings
of love for her kind, these verses swelling with love, gentleness,
and goodness, can only flow from a pure soul. The
fountain must be pure if the stream is.” I found that this
theory will do better in the matter of streams than in souls —
that very barren souls are full of sentiment, and gush, and
gush, and do nothing else. When I got to the bottom of
it, I found that Mrs. Swan wrote her beautiful spiritual hymns
in the coldest-blooded business way imaginable. She panted
for fame, and had the knack of writing hymns. Determined to
make a name, she commenced writing comic songs, and would
have continued had she made a success. But she did not;
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and she attempted blood-and-thunder novels, till Sylvanus
Cobb drove her from that field, when she struck the spiritual
vein, and worked it to great advantage. She would have written
bacchanalian odes just as soon if it would have given her
the same notoriety. The soul of the poetess would shed the
sweetest charity, and pity, and love, and so forth, but the hand
of the poetess never shed bread and meat and potatoes enough
to keep her servant girl plump in her clothes. I was compelled
to give her up. Spiritual hymns can't be offset against
starving servant girls, until the reading of spiritual hymns
will make them as plump as will the meat and potatoes they
ought to have.
The Reverend Elnathan Black, I thought, would help me out
of my trouble, for he had always been to me the chief among
ten thousand, and the one altogether lovely. I supposed him
to be a perfect man, if such there could be on the face of the
earth. But, alas! I was mistaken in this as in everything else.
A close examination — a little stripping off of veneering here,
and a little digging out of putty there, showed me the ugliest
and most ungainly piece of moral furniture I had ever seen.
He had plastered pretence over meanness, and his protestations
of goodness covered his daily violation of everything
good. He wore his piety on the same principle that governed
the Quaker when he said to his son, “John, if thee has a particularly
bad horse to trade off, put on thy broadest hat.” The
Elder always had a bad horse to trade off, and he wore, habitually,
a broad hat, and an ugly looking sinner he was without
it.
Deacon Kitt served to prolong my investigation just a minute.
Professing temperance in all things, he was a glutton,
and carried a red nose. He took his rations regularly, but not
honestly. He did not confess to himself that he really loved
stimulants, but he was perpetually persuading himself that he
had the dyspepsia, and needed it. He wasn't ingenious even
in his excuses for drinking, for when reproached with taking
liquor raw, he stammeringly replied that he didn't dare to put
water in it for fear of dropsy. His entire devotion to drink I
noticed the first time the unsophisticated man was given a
mint julep, which he said he took for dyspepsia. With the
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taste of the delicious compound titillating his palate, — the
coolness of the ice struggling with the genial warmth of the
liquor, — the fragrance of the mint assailing one sense, while
the other ingredients held mastery over the others, the poor
man dropped his glass and burst into tears. “And there ain't
none of this in the next world,” gasped he. “I never dreaded
death as much as now.” He was trying to deceive the world,
and succeeded, as is always the case, in deceiving himself.
His neighbors were certain of his being a confirmed drunkard,
long before he began to suspect it.
I was by this time in a state of disgust. I had gone abroad
for sin, and had found it; and I had found under my very nose
almost every sin that had startled me abroad. But one thought
gave me comfort — there could be no political iniquity in our
community.
Walking out one afternoon, I found myself in a crowd, who
were listening to an orator, who proved to be none other than
Cicero Leatherlungs, my cousin, who had served one term in
Congress, and was a candidate for re-election. I had never
given Cicero credit for being much of a patriot, and was
therefore delighted at the amount of it he exhibited, as well
as with the eloquence with which he adorned it. He denounced,
in burning words, the corruption of which his opponent
had been guilty — the said denunciation including not
only the particular species of corruption his opponent was
charged with practising, but all other kinds. Particularly was
the use of money in elections denounced as anti republican,
and calculated to sap the very foundations of the government.
I was so delighted at this, that the very moment he had
finished I rushed up to congratulate him. “Your noble
sentiments,” I said, — but I never finished the sentence. He
hurried away to a tavern hard by to meet his committee. I
followed and got inside just in time to see that pure patriot —
that incorruptible man — pull from his breast pocket a plethoric
pocket-book, and distribute money to the most villanous and
brutish men I had ever seen, and of whose existence I had
been ignorant up to this moment. He gave this one one hundred
dollars to be offered Jones for the use of his doggery on
election day; that one fifty dollars to keep the Irish laborers
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in Johnson's stone-quarry drunk till after they had voted;
another one hundred dollars for carriages and men to bring to
the polls the idiots and lunatics from such of the county poor-houses
as were under the control of his friends; winding up
with the remark, as he put up his pocket-book, that by the
time he got the other four counties fixed, he would have spent
every last cent of the money he got for his vote in favor of the
Aurora Borealis Railroad Land Grant.
These things had all been charged upon Cicero, and I discovered
that the best and most intelligent of his supporters
knew the charges to be true; but they were supporting him
nevertheless, for he was “our candidate.”
“But how came so bad a man to be our candidate?” I
asked; the answer to which was, that when he was nominated
the first time his worthlessness was not known; that when
his bad qualities were discovered, he declined to be dropped.
He had the appointing of all the Federal officers in the District; —
these officials were strong and active enough to control
the conventions that nominate candidates for the elective
offices, and these two classes of officials control the Congressional
nominating convention. In short, I ascertained the
important fact that, let a bad man once get into Congress,
he can, if he is shrewd, stay there a long time, for the
government kindly furnishes him the means to perpetuate
his stay.
By this time I had determined in my own mind that there
wasn't a particle more of sin abroad than at home. Every sin
that I discovered abroad, I found duplicated at home, and its
growth was just as rank and vigorous. The plant was native
to all soils: the only difference was in size, resulting from the
strength or weakness of the soil in which it was planted.
Grieved as I was, I took comfort in the thought that I, at
least, was free from it. That thought gave me unspeakable
happiness, and I determined that my household should be
as free from it as myself.
My wife was a woman, and I noticed that she nourished all
the follies of the sex. She was as extravagant in dress as any
of her friends, and I took her to task for it. I told her that
there were thousands of suffering poor in the world whose
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necessities could be relieved by a tithe of what she wore that
was unnecessary. I reminded her of the fact that flounces,
furbelows, jewelry, false hair, &c., were totally useless, and
could be dispensed with as well as not, and how much better
would it be to use the money they cost in charitable works.
And I showered over her much wisdom of this kind. She was
an obedient wife, and bowing her head submissively, retired to
her room, from which she emerged in a few minutes. She had
carried out my wishes to the letter. She was without hoops,
and her dress hung limp about her person. Her chignon,
which was her crowning glory, was gone, and her natural hair
was twisted into a small and insignificant knot at the back of
her head. She had no collar, no cuffs, no rings, pins, in short
she was divested of all those helps to figure and form which
the sex know so well how to employ.
Ordinarily she was counted a handsome woman; — as she
stood before me in that shape, I confess I was astounded at
her superlative ugliness.
“Come,” said she, meekly. “It is time we were on our way
to the concert.”
I did not go to the concert with my wife in that guise. On
the contrary, with much hemming and hawing, — for no man
likes to go back on himself, — I meekly asked her to resume her
natural garb.
My experiment at reform with the female part of my household
had the appearance of a failure. I was compelled to confess
that, after all, we, the stronger sex, who rail at the extravagance
of women, are in the main responsible for it; that the
average woman dresses herself more to please the average
man than to please herself; and further, that the average man
likes her a thousand times better for the additional beauty
and grace that dress gives her, all of which she perfectly
understands.
Still I felt that the wants of the poor must be relieved, and
that the relief ought to come out of our superfluities. I therefore
nerved myself to make a sacrifice. I sold my gold watch
and purchased a silver one in its stead, and the difference — I
invested in government bonds, which were at that time at a
discount, with a certainty of a rise.
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My habit of investigation had got possession of me. While I
was congratulating myself on my righteousness, and deploring
every one else's sin, it so happened that I was bargaining for
a piece of real estate adjoining my own. In the course of the
making of the bargain, I caught myself deliberately underrating
the property, and most zealously endeavoring to get it for
less than I knew it to be worth. My late experience had given
me a sharp scent for sin, and I had learned to detect it at sight.
I was astonished at the richness of the vein I struck, even
in myself. I found that in my own case I had mistaken dyspepsia
for humility, obstinacy for devotion to principle, and
conceit for righteousness generally. I found, for instance,
that my sternness in withstanding public opinion was not so
much the willingness to be sacrificed for the sake of right, as
it was a mule-like disposition to stay where I had planted my
hoofs, from sheer stubbornness in refusing to admit that I had
ever been or ever could be in the wrong. I recalled the conversation
I had with my neighbor on the subject of the land,
and, to my horror, I found that within twenty-four hours I had
told sixty lies direct; one hundred and thirty by implication,
and had made two hundred misrepresentations, which the
recording angel doubtless counted as lies, though in this world
of gigantic falsification they hardly rise to that dignity. I
lied because I coveted my neighbor's land — two sins in one.
In what am I better than Robinson.
The very next day I found myself paying too close attention
to the wife of my neighbor Ames — Ames being in California,
and Mrs. Ames being a beautiful woman; and one more of the
pillars of my self-righteousness was knocked out from under
me. That same afternoon, in paying a note, I permitted a
mistake made by the holder thereof in computing interest
to go uncorrected, and I was compelled to confess myself
a thief.
The next day I tarried two hours and a half at dinner,
which stamped me as much of a glutton as Kitt. When the
blessing was asked, reference was made therein to Providence
for his good gifts. I only thought how good Providence was
that gave us asparagus in the spring, then in succession green
peas, strawberries, grapes, oysters, spareribs, hot whiskey, and
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so on, an unending round of something good to eat and
drink. I was no better in this than Kitt — not a particle.
That very evening I colored the statement of the trouble
of a neighbor, whom I did not like, to his great disadvantage,
and brought myself in guilty of bearing false witness
against my neighbor; I caught myself in church estimating the
probable profits of a business operation I had just concluded;
which satisfied me that I had other gods than the one Living
One; in short, I discovered the alarming fact, that every
day of my life I committed all the sins in the Decalogue.
I had been horrified at the sin I had seen away; more so
at learning that all I had seen abroad was going on regularly
at home; and still more so to find that all I had found away and
at home existed in full force and vigor in myself; that I
cherished and practised in one form or another every sin
that I had seen in anybody else. And what humbled me
was the fact, that the knowledge that I had all these moral
blemishes was not confined to myself. My discovery of the
fact was recent — my neighbors had always known it.
I at last found the man of sin. I was the man. I am
now busily engaged in reforming, — not the world, but myself,—
and I hope I am succeeding. I succeeded in checking
myself in time to save lies only yesterday; I am now correcting
all errors in accounts that are in my favor; in short, by
dint of hard work and careful watching, I have got to a point
of excellence where it is perfectly safe to say that I am no
longer distinctively “the man of sin.” My hearers, all of you
who try hard enough and watch closely enough, may, in the
course of a great many years, if you are gifted and have
patience, get to be as good as I am. I know you will shrink
from a task so apparently hopeless, but I assure you the reward
is great enough to justify the trial.
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