Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1872], The struggles (social, financial and political) of Petroleum V. Nasby... embracing his trials and troubles, ups and downs, rejoicings and wailings; likewise his views of men and things; together with the lectures Cussed be Canaan, The struggles of a conservative with the woman question, and In search of the man of sin. With an introduction by Hon. Charles Sumner. Illustrated by Thomas Nast... (I. N. Richardson and Company, Boston) [word count] [eaf635T].
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LXXXII. ON SOUTHERN CHARACTER.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
September the 23d, 1865.
*The world is, and alluz hez bin, full uv delusions. A lie,
well started, vigerously stuck to, and energetically pushed,
ansers jest ez well ez the trooth, and will live a long time. I
hev lived in this world uv decepshun long enuff to diskiver
that there is a huge diffrence betwixt the real and the
ideal.
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For instance. In my youth I wuz given to readin Cooper's
novels, until, becomin infatuated with his descriptions uv the
Injin stile uv livin, and the granjer uv the Injin charakter, I
determined to jine a tribe, and adopt their habits. I imagined
myself a noble red man uv the forest, a chasin the wild deer
all the day thro the leafy wood, and sweetly sleepin at nite in
a leafy bower, never wunst thinkin uv the friteful colds I'd
ketch sleepin out uv doors, and uv the terrible consekences uv
a purely animal diet upon my uneducatid bowils.
Filled with these ijees, I made my way to the nearest reservation,
and the first noble red man uv the forest I saw, wuz
asleep under a tree, with a bottle beside him. I awakened
him, and addressed him in the language uv the novels, wich I
sposed wuz all he cood understand, thus: —
“Why slumbereth the chief uv the Pocasokes? and why are
not his feet upon the war-path? The skelp uv his father
hangs in the lodge uv Skinewaugh, and his death is unavenged!
Awake!”
The noble Injin rolled over lazily on one elbow, took a long
pull at his bottle, ejackulatin, —
“Ugh! go away. White man dam fool — gimme dime —
buy Injin more rum!” and sank back into his inebriated
slumber.
Hevin seen the ginuine Injin ez he exists out uv the novels,
I did not jine that tribe.
I used to bleeve in Southern chiverly. Likewise did I
bleeve in Robinson Crusoe, the malstrom, and Jackson's cottonbales;
but, ez I afterwards diskivered, there wuz no reality in
these, so I wuz prepared to bleeve the chivelry uv the South
wuz a good part bottled moonshine.
Wunst, to me, the Southerner wuz a compound uv George
IV., Chevaleer Bayard, Humbolt, and Longfellow, possessin
the deportment uv the fust, the high-grade chivelry and manly
physikle perfecshun uv the second, the learnin uv the third,
and the deep poetic feelin uv the fourth. I sposed he wood
introdoose his knife into the bowels uv his enemy with the
fearlessness and dexterity uv Bayard, apologize with the calm
grace uv George, and write his obitchuary like Longfellow, in
the style uv Hiawatha.
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I bleeved his residence wuz a manshun, his common beverage
the rosiest kind uv wine, quaffed from the most costly
goblets; that money with him wuz a matter uv no account;
that his time wuz divided between his country, his books, and
manly out-door sports. In war, my notion uv him wuz a cross
between Achilles and Wellington, I givin him the credit uv
hevin the dash uv the one, the steadiness uv tother, and
the heroism uv both. Sich wuz my ijee uv the Southern
gentleman.
Wood, O wood that this pleasin delusion hed never bin
dissipated! It's the nacher uv the Northern Dimekrat to
look up to sumbody, and I didn't like the ijee uv hevin my idol
dismountid. I wuz down South doorin the war, hevin served
sevral months in the Louisiana Pelicans, a Confedrit regiment,
made up uv the fust families uv that State. I found that I hed
bin labrin under a delusion all my life. I wuz in Virginia a
while, where yoo are supposed to find the highest type uv
Southern chivelry. On a average the Virginian is as mizable
a cuss ez ther is on earth. His manshun is a shamblin cabin;
his rosy wine is a style uv potato whisky, so inexpressibly
mean that it wood be rejected with inexpressible scorn by the
most reckless and abandoned squaw; his costly goblet is a stun
jug with a cob stopper, and his highest ijee uv amoosement is
quarter races and poker. Long, lank, lathy, low-browed, peaknosed,
he approaches the appearance uv the Northerner about
ez closely ez a ring-tailed baboon resembles Powers' Greek
Slave.
In war he haint no better than in peace. He fites well enuff
when put to it, but he haint no endurence. Ef he don't win
from the start, his game is up. and the less he intends to do,
the more he blows afore he commences. His endless blowin
about his fitin capacity and resources, afore the war, wuz wat
roped us Northern Dimekrats into it, and indoost us to stake
our politikle fucher on their success. Alass! we wuz fooled
in em, and we go down with em.
I never want to hear a word agin about Southern chivelry.
We hev got to git em back agin, for alone we kin do nothin,
and I spose when we hev em back, we'll hev to knuckle to em
jist ez we did afore the war, for they comprise the heft uv the
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party; but we'll do it this time for policy, while before we did
it from sheer belief in their sooperiority over us. I'd be well
satisfied ef we cood git along, ez a party, without em.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n36* The war with the Rebellion gave Northern men an opportunity to rid themselves
of a great many popular delusions in regard to the “chivalry,” “hospitality,”
and “courtesy” of the slaveholding gentry. The visits made by our
“boys in blue” dispelled many illusions created by the boasts of Southerners,
and the letters of sentimental tourists, who felt compelled to write in the popular
vein in order to find readers, and have their views credited.
LXXXIII. ON THE DIVERSITY OF THE RACES.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
September the 24th, 1865.
Whenever yoo ask the people to adopt any given line uv
ackshen, yoo hev got to give em a tollable good reason therefor.
Troo, this never hez bin so necessary in the Dimekratik party,
whose members hez alluz follered their leaders, without askin
the why or wherefor, with a fidelity beautiful to behold. But
people, ginerally, are inquisitive, and wun reason why we hev
never succeeded with the slavery question, is becoz we never
hev yet given a good reason why the nigger shood be held in
slavery.
Wunst it wuz sought to be defended on the ground that the
nigger wuz inferior to the white man, but it woodent do.
Why? Becoz the full-blown Dimekrat thot to hisself to-wunst,
“Ef the stronger shel own the weaker — ef the intellectooally
sooperior shel hold in slavery the intellectooally inferior, Lord
help me! Why, I might ez well go into a Ablishn township
and select my master to-wunst.”
The same argument won't do ez to nigger equality. Why
shood we say that the nigger shan't vote, on the score uv his
not bein fitted by educashen or intelligence, when the fust and
chiefest qualificashen uv a strate Dimekrat is his not knowin
how to read? Why, to-day, in my county, ef a Dimekrat kin
rite his name without runnin his tongue out, we alluz refuse to
elect him a delegate in the county convenshun. It exposes
him to the suspishun uv knowin too much.
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I hev quit all these shaller dodges, long ago. We must hev
the nigger, for jest at this time there ain't no other capital for
us to run on; but he must be put on maintainable ground. I
put my foot on him, on the ground uv the DIVERSITY UV THE
RACES! He is not wun uv us. He is not a descendant uv
Adam. Goddlemity probably made him, ez he did the ox, and
the ass, and the dorg, and the babboon, but not at the same
time, nor for the same purposes. He is not, in any sence uv
the word, a MAN! His color is different, the size uv his head
is different, his foot is longer, and his hand is bigger. He wuz
created a beast, and the fiat uv the Almity give us dominion
over him, the same ez over other beasts.
Does the theologian say that this doctrine undermines the
Christian religion? I to-wunst reply, that that don't matter to
us. Dimokrasy and religion shook hands and bid each other a
affecshunate farewell, years ago. Uv what comparison is
religion to a Dimekratik triumph?
Doth the ethnologist say that the difference atween the
Caucassian and Afrikin is no greater than atween the Caucassian
and Mongolian? I anser to-wunst that he is rite — that
the Mongolian is likewise a beast; becoz, don't yoo see, there
ain't no Mongolians in this secshun uv country to disprove it.
Doth the Ablishnist pint to a nigger who kin read and rite,
and figure through to division, and in sich other partikulers
show hisself sooperior to the majority uv Dimekrats? I alluz
draw myself up to my full hite, assoom a virchusly indignant
look, and exclaim, “He's nuthin but a d—d nigger, anyhow!”
wich is the only effective argument we hev hed for ten years.
Doth the besotted nigger-lover pint to the mulatto, and say,
“What will yoo do with him, who is half beast and half man,
who hez half a sole that is to be saved — for one half uv whom
Christ died?” I anser at wunst, that I don't deal in abstracshuns,
and git out ez soon ez possible, for there is a weak pint
there, that I hevent ez yit bin able to git over.
This wun weak pint is no argument agin my theory, for
happy is the Dimekrat who kin propound a theory that hezent
a score, instid uv wun, weak places in it.
This doctrine kivers the whole ground. Ef the nigger is a
beast, Dimekrats hev a good excuse for not givin to mishnary
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societies, for uv what use is it to undertake to Christianize
beasts, who hev no soles to save and fit em for the skies? It
gives us a perfect rite to re-establish slavery, for doth not
Blackstun, who wuz supposed to know ez much law ez a Noo
Jersey justis uv the peace, say that we hev a rite to ketch and
tame the wild beast, and bend him to our uses? Also, he can't
vote; for wood the lowest white man consent to vote alongside
uv a beast, even ef he did walk on two legs? Not any.
Let this doctrine be vigorusly preachd, and I hev no doubt
suthin will result from it.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXXIV. HAS A CONVERSATION WITH THE DEVIL.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
September the 30th, 1865.
Nite afore last, I wuz at a gatherin uv the faithful, in the
next town to Saint's Rest, and wuz a comin back on the nite
train uv the Camden and Amboy, wich is the beauty and glory
uv Noo Jersey. I wuz somewat elevatid, hevin hed a need uv
inspirin flooids, there bein two or three returned soljers in the
meetin, who kept a provokin me with irrelevant and irritatin
remarks, sich ez pullin me off the stand, and pintin revolvers
at me.
When the conductor cum around, I told him that I wuz a
humble worker in the great field uv Dimekratik reform, and
wuz, uv coarse, without funds, and that I expected to be passed
to my home, FREE! The poor man wuz thunder-struck! Staggerin
against the side uv the car, pale ez a ghost, and speechless,
he beckoned to a brakesman, and pinted me out. In a instant I
wuz seized and bundled out uv the car. The next mornin I
saw the incident noticed in the daily papers, under the follerin
hed lines: —
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“THE BULWORKS UV SOCIETY A BRAKIN AWAY!” — “NOO JERSEY
IN DANGER!” — “A FEEND DEMANDS TO BE DEAD-HEDED
OVER THE CAMDEN AND AMBOY!” — “PROMPT AND HEROIC ACTION
UV A CONDUCTOR!”
How long I lay alongside uv the track I know not; but
when conshusnis returned, I saw, settin on the fence, the figure
uv Satan hisself.
“Avant!” cried I. “Why comest thou to torment me afore
my time?”
“Don't skeer,” sez he; “I don't want yoo yet. Remember
the old man's remark: `Why shood men club apples off uv
trees, when, ef they let em alone, they will fall off themselves?'
I woodent take the trouble to cum after yoo, and sich ez yoo.
I often take a toor thro Jersey. It's my best harvest-field.
I'm pleasurin now.”
Reassured, I asked the old gentleman some questions as to
what kind uv biznis he wuz a doin these times, et settry.
He replied that biznis wuz good. The Suthern States hed
bin his grate field uv labor, and when they rebelled agin the
guverment he thot he hed dead wood on them localities. His
soul expanded with joy ez he saw the Churches South plunge
into the seceshn biznis, and their preachers throw off the
sacerdotle robes and put on butternut uniform. They never
hed much religion down there, anyhow; but when they went
into seceshn, they threw away that little.
“Ez Linkin's hellions advanced,” he sed, “my soul shrunk—
only occasionally wuz I elevatid ez yoo Copperheds riz in
the North. Finally, when Lee and Johnson surrendered, I
give up all hopes. That, I thot, settled the question. The
niggers will be emancipated and I'll lose them, for they'll learn
to read, and they'll diskiver that virchoo is the best road to
travel. Also —”
“Hold!” sez I; “do niggers go to hell?”
“Uv course, when they die in their sins,” sez he.
“Farewell, hope!” exclaims I, in agony, “for all is lost! At
the last end the entire Dimokrasy will be on a equality with
the nigger, and will hev to mix with em.”
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“Also,” sez he, a goin on, “I wuz satisfied I shood lose the
whites South, for when they can't live on nigger labor, and hev
to go to work, they won't hev time to gamble nor drink. They
won't hev $2500 to pay for pretty octoroons, and, per consequence,
one uv the commandments will be better observed.
So I wuz lo-sperited, and conclooded that the Almity had taken
that part uv the country out uv my hands.”
“How, then,” sez I, “is it that yoo feel so well to-night?”
“For two reasons,” sez he. “I alluz feel at home in Noo
Jersey; and besides that, things don't look so bad after all.
You folks up North are doin things to soot me, and so they are
South. Uv what account is Linkin's proclamashen, when sich
men ez now controle the South, are in power? Them Sutherners
are men I like. Guvner Perry talks uv `Radikle
Republikins,' wich shows he's bound to make head agin the
only enemies I ever hed in the North. The nigger is free, but
only in name. That blessid doctrin uv Stait Rites allows each
wun uv the States to oppress jist which class they please, and
ez the North will certainly pass all sorts uv laws agin their
escapin in that direcshun, it seems to me ez tho Cuff wuz
between the upper and nether mill-stun, after all. Five dollars
a month they will agree to pay him, but that he'll never git.
Then follers stealins, and stabbins, and shootins, and hangins,
and arsons, and insurrections [here he rubbed his hands], and
more sich fun than we ever saw. Then when the South gets
strong agin, and they and yoo, united, make a majority in Congris,
won't them Yankees git? Won't we (I speak uv yoo
Northern Dimekrats and the South and me, wich hez alluz bin
pardners) make the North pay the Suthern war debt? Won't
we re-establish slavery in the South and extend it over all the
territories, and finally over all the Northern Staits, makin it
universal? I rather think so. Ef the North refuses, then agin,
yoo and the South and I will make another war, and that time
we'll succeed, for we'll know how, better, and the guverment
overthrowd, we'll fix it jist ez we want it. And then —”
At this pint he threw his left arm about my neck in a
extasy uv irrepressible love. It scorched ez tho a hot bar
uv iron hed bin twisted around me, and, shreekin with agony—
I awoke.
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It wuz only a dream, and I found myself a lyin in the identikle
ditch into wich I hed fallen when the conductor threw me
off the trane.
I cood not help wondrin at the correctnis with wich my
visitor guessed the purposes uv our party.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXXV. APPEAL TO THE DEMOCRACY.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
October the 4th, 1865.
Dimekrats uv the North! Yoo hev to decide whether the
old party, which hez alluz delited in managin the affairs uv this
guvernment, is to agin assoom its nateral position, or whether
it is doomed to die, and be among the things that wuz.
Ez the hed uv the party I issue this appeal.
The time for argument hez passed — all that now remains is
ackshen! ackshen!! ackshen!!!
Never before wuz there sich need uv work — never wuz
there so much at stake. Look around yoo, fellow-Dimekrats!
See! Uv all the States North, only Noo Jersey remains troo
to her anshent prinsipples. The dark waves uv Ablishnism
are a sweepin over the land, unchecked, save by Noo Jersey.
There, thank God, the ark uv the covnant rests. There the
vestal fires burn brightly. Noo Jersey hez the Dimokrasy she
alluz hed — she changes not. Ever since the year before the
Revolushen, she hez bin Dimekratik. No matter wat issues
wuz presented — no matter on wich side uv sed issues the
Dimokrasy planted themselves, Noo Jersey alluz voted that
ticket.
Sich confidin trust in the leaders, sich Roman simplicity, is
refreshin. Wood, O wood that we hed more Noo Jerseys!
This fall the Dimokrasy hev exceeded theirselves in liber
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ality to the people. Never wuz there sich a assortment uv
principles to choose from. In Noo York, we hev on the track
a Ginral, who sheathed his sword in the hearts uv his Suthern
brethrin, and him we stood on a platform wich recognizes the
death uv slavery, and feels good over it, and wich goes for
payin the debt, intrest, principle, and all. In Noo Jersey we
hev a Ginral on the ticket who run away from Bull Run, becoz
he didn't approve uv the principles on wich the war wuz bein
conducted, on a platform ez strikly Suthern ez the Camden and
Amboy cood make it. In Ohio, our platform wuz made by the
great Vallandigum, and in it is the pure expressed juice uv
Dimokrasy. The great doctrine uv State Rites is avowed, and
the rite uv the seceded Staits to agin secede is upheld.
*Here is diversity — here is pickin. Each Dimekrat kim pick
wich set uv principles he desires, and the cheerman uv his
central committy will cheerfully certify that that set will be
made universal, ez soon ez a Nashnel Convenshun convenes.
Look at what interests are at stake. Do yoo want to marry
nigger wenches? Do yoo want yoor gushin daughters tied by
indissoluble ties to disgustin buck niggers? We hev persistently
petitioned Abolishn legislachers to pass acts preventin
us from doin this foul thing, but to no avale. They hev turned
a deaf ear to our entreaties, and to-day we stand exposed to all
these dangers.
Do yoo want a buck nigger to march up to the poles with
yoo to vote? Do yoo want their children mixt with yoors in
schools? Do yoo want em on juries and holdin offis in yoor
township? My God! think uv it! Think uv yoor bein brot
up on a charge uv petty larceny, sich ez steelin sheep or
chickens, before a nigger justis uv the peace! Think uv yoor
bein sued for a store bill that hed run ten years, afore a nigger
squire! In the towns and cities, think uv bein arrested for
bein drunk, by a nigger policeman, and bein arraned in the
mornin before a nigger mayor! Contemplate these picters
without a shudder, ef yoo kin. These questions must be met.
They stare us in the face. On yoo depends the issue. The
nigger is our natral enemy.
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Sum uv our best lites are in favor uv givin him the suffrage,
on the ground that in a little while we wood git his votes, on
the principle that we ketch all the trash naturally. My frends,
be not deseeved. We hev abused the nigger so long and so
persistently, that it wood take ages afore we cood git him suffishently
demoralized to act with us, and afore that time we
wood all be in the silent grave, where pollitics is uv no
account.
On the question uv taxes, and reconstruction, and sich, I
refer yoo to the platforms adopted by yoor various State Convenshuns;
yoo may depend upon each bein perfeckly sound.
On these minor questions there may be difference uv opinion
in localities; but, thank Heaven, on nigger there is unanimity.
“Nigger and him prostrated,” is the rallyin cry uv the Dimokrasy,
North, South, East, and West.
I bleeve, in the above, I hev given a full epitome uv the
principles uv the party. We hev a terrible fite afore us, and it
behooves every Dimekrat to buckle on his armor to-wunst.
Noo Jersey may be dependid on. The few Ablishnists we hev,
hev gone so far into spellin-books and grammars, that their talk
is all Greek to our voters, and so they are safe from their
contaminatin appeals. She expects every State to do its
dooty. She is lonesome, and wants company. She stretches
out her hands appealinly to her sisters, and sez, in winnin tones,
“Jine me!”
Will yoo not do it? Shel she appeal in vane? Forbid it,
Hevin! Rally! Rally! Rally!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n37* A collection of Democratic State platforms of 1865 would make an amusing
volume. No two were alike, save in denunciation of the negro.
-- 212 -- p635-229
LXXXVI. AFTER THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS, 1865.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
October the 11th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 212.[end figure description]
Ohio, Ablishn!
Pennsylvany, Ablishn!
Noo Jersey, not eggsackly Ablishn, but approachin thereunto.
Sich is the encouragin news I read in the newspapers this
mornin! Sich is the result uv labors Herculian, in the abovenamed
States. What do the people mean?
The pure Dimokrasy, probably, will carry Noo York; but of
what consolation is that to me? The two parties, the old,
anshent Dimokrasy and the Ablishn, run a race into the realms
uv Radikalism, and the Dimokrasy beat them over a length.
With a platform standin by Johnson, endorsin his anti-slavery
notions, his Suthern oppression notions, his hangin uv Mrs.
Surratt, et settry, and on that platform a soljer who never votid
a Dimekratik ticket in his life, who went into the war a Radikle
Ablishnist and who kum out a Radikle Ablishnist, I don't know
that I hev much to choose atween em.
Last week I wuz invited into a county in Noo York, to address
a Dimekratik meetin. I accepted (ez my expenses were
paid, wich is cheeper and better boardin than I get at the
groceries to home), and accordingly I went. I commenst deliverin
the speech I hed used all over Noo Jersey. I commenst
abusin the nigger, when the cheerman interrupted me.
“Well,” sez I, “wat is it?” rather angrily, for when I git
warmed up and a sweatin, I don't like to be interruptid.
“Why,” sed he, “our constooshn allows a nigger who hez
$250 to vote, and most uv em hev that sum, and we make it a
pint to sekoor em.”
“They're a d—d site better off than most uv us white Dimekrats
in Noo Jersey, retortid I, a droppin the nigger and goin
on agin President Johnson.
“Stop,” whispered the cheerman; “our platform indorses
President Johnson.”
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“Thunder!” remarked I, droppin President Johnson, and
slidin easily into a viggerus denunciation uv the war.
“Good God!” sez the cheerman, “stop! Our platform indorses
the war.”
I sed nothin this time, but commenst denouncin the debt.
“Hold!” sed the cheerman; “easy — our platform backs up
the debt.”
“Well, then,” sed I, in a rage, “why in blazes didn't yoo send
me a copy of yoor platform when yoo wantid me to address
yoo? Go to thunder, and make yoor own speeches;” and I
stalked off the platform.
Time wuz when wun speech wood do a man all over the
North. Now yoo hev to hev a diffrent wun for every State,
wich makes it impossible for me to travel, for wun effort per
season is enuff for me.
But, ez I wuz a sayin, we are beat agin, and beat badly —
beat on issues uv our own makin — beat with taxes, bonds, war
debt, and nigger equality all in our favor. Don't say to me
that we redoost their majorities. What difference does it make
to a defeatid candidate, whether the majority agin him is one
thousand or one hundred? A needle will kill a man ez effectually
ez a broadsword, ef it's stuck in the right place. So a
majority uv wun is enuff. I hev known men to hold orfises
four years, and hev good appetites, on a majority uv one. It's
the orfises we wuz a goin for — it's them our patriots wanted,
and it's no consolation to them to say they missed by a small
majority! It's holler mockery — the same ez tho you'd show
a starvin man a loaf uv bread jest inside uv iron bars — his
fingers are not a inch from it, but, so far ez his cravin stumick
is concerned, it mite ez well be across the boundless ocean.
We may recover from this backset, but I hev my fears. The
people is ez stupid ez ever, and our leaders is ez acoot ez ever;
but, alas! the fact that we hev failed in everything we hev
undertook, for four years, is gettin thro the hair uv thousands,
and they look askant at us.
Be it ez it may, it makes but little difference to me. A few
years, and I shel go hence. Ef the Bible is troo, I shel go
where I will find a heavy Dimekratik majority, shoor; ef it is
not, and there is no hereafter, why, then, at last, I shel be on a
level with the best.
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“So, let the wide world wag ez it will,”
I'll keep on the even tenor uv my way, takin my nips ez often
ez I kin find a confidin sole who hez more money than discreshun.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXXVII. AFTER THE NEW JERSEY ELECTION, 1865.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
November 9, 1865.
*Never wuz I in so pleasant a frame uv mind ez last night.
All wuz peace with me, for after bein buffeted about the world
for three skore years, at last it seemed to me ez tho forchune,
tired uv persekootin a unforchnit bein, hed taken me into favor.
I hed a solemn promise from the Dimekratic State Central
Committy in the great State uv Noo Jersey, that ez soon ez
our candidate for Governor wuz dooly elected, I shood hev the
position uv Doorkeeper to the House uv the Lord (wich in this
State means the Capital, and wich is certainly better than
dwellin in the tents uv wicked grosery keepers, on tick, ez I
do), and a joodishus exhibition uv this promise hed prokoored
for me unlimited facilities for borrerin, wich I improved.
On Wednesday nite I wuz a sittin in my room, a enjoyin the
pleasin reflection that in a few days I should be placed above
want and beyond the contingencies uv fortune. Wood! oh,
wood! that I hed died then and there, before that dream uv
bliss wuz roodly broken. A wicked boy come runnin past with
a paper which he hed brot from the next town where there
lives a man who takes one. He flung it thro the window to
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me and passed on. I opened it eagerly, and glanced at the
hed lines!
“Noo Jersey — 5,000 Republikin!”
One long and piercin shreek wuz heard thro that house, and
wen the inmates rushed into the room they found me inanimate
on the floor. The fatal paper lay near me, explainin the cause
uv the catastrophe. The kind-hearted landlord, after feelin uv
my pockets and diskiverin that the contents thereof wood not
pay the arrearages uv board, held a hurried consultation with
his wife as to the propriety uv bringin me to; he insisting that
it wuz the only chance uv gittin what wuz owin them — she
insistin ef I wuz brung to I'd go on runnin up the bill, bigger
and bigger, and never pay at last. While they wuz argooin
the matter, pro and con, I happened to git a good smell uv his
breath, wich restored me to consciousness to-wunst, without
further assistance.
When in trouble my poetic sole alluz finds vent in song.
Did ever poet who delited in tombs, and dark, rollin streams,
and consumption, and blighted hopes, and decay, and sich
themes, ever hev sich a pick of subjects ez I hev at this time?
The follerin may be a consolation to the few Dimokrats uv the
North who hev gone so far into Copperheadism that they can't
change their base: —
A Wale!
In the mornin we go forth rejoicin in our strength — in the
evenin we are bustid and wilt!
Man born uv woman (and most men are) is uv few days, and
them is so full uv trouble that it's scarcely worth while bein
born at all.
In October I waded in woe knee-deep, and now the waters
uv afflickshun are about my chin.
I look to the East, and Massachoosets rolls in Ablishn.
To the West I turn my eyes, and Wisconsin, and Minnesota,
and Illinoy ansers — Ablishn.
Southward I turn my implorin gaze, and Maryland sends
greetin — Ablishn.
In New York we had em, for lo! we run a soljer, who fought
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valiantly, and we put him on a platform, wich stunk with nigger—
yea, the savor thereof wuz louder than the Ablishn platform
itself.
But behold! the people jeer and flout, and say “The platform
stinketh loud enough, but the smell thereof is not the smell uv
the Afrikin — it is of the rotten material uv wich it is composed,
and the corrupshun they hev placed upon it,” — and
New York goes Ablishun.
Slocum held hisself up, and sed, “Come and buy.” And
our folks bought him and his tribe, but he getteth not his
price.
Noo Jersey — Ablishun!!
Job's cattle wuz slain by murrain, and holler horn, and sich,
and, not livin near Noo York, the flesh thereof he cood
not sell.
But Job hed suthin left — still cood he sell the hides and
tallow!
Lazarus hed sores, but he hed dorgs to lick them.
Noo Jersey wuz the hide and tallow uv the Dimocrisy, and
lo! that is gone.
What little is left uv the Dimocrisy is all sore, but where is
the dorg so low ez to lick it?
Noo Jersey wuz our ewe lamb — lo! the strong hand uv
Ablishnism hez taken it.
Noo Jersey wuz the Aryrat on which our ark rested — behold!
the dark waves uv Ablishnism hev swept over it!
Darkness falls over me like a pall — the shadder uv woe
encompasseth me.
Down my furrowed cheeks rolleth the tears uv anguish,
varyin in size from a large pea to a small tater.
Noo Jersey will vote for the Constooshnel Amendment, and
lo! the Nigger will possess the land.
I see horrid visions!
On the Camden and Amboy, nigger brakesmen! and at the
polls, niggers!
Where shall we find refuge?
In the North? Lo! it is barred agin us by Ablishnism.
In the South? In their eyes the Northern Copperhead
findeth no favor.
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In Mexico? There is war there, and we might be drafted.
Who will deliver us? Who will pluck us from the pit into
wich we hev fallen?
Where I shel go the Lord only knows, but my impression is,
South Carliny will be my future home. Wade Hampton is
elected Governor, certin, and in that noble State, one may
perhaps preserve enough uv the old Dimokratic States Rites
to leaven the whole lump.
“I'm aflote — I'm aflote
On the dark rollin sea.”
And into what harbor fate will drive my weather-beaten bark,
the undersigned can not trooly say.
Noo Jersey — farewell! The world may stand it a year or
two, but I doubt it.
Mournfly and sadly,
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n38* The carrying of New Jersey by the Republicans in 1865 was a severe blow
to the Democracy. It was about the last of their strongholds.
LXXXVIII. A CONVERSATION WITH GENERAL McSTINGER, OF THE STATE OF GEORGIA, WHICH IS INTERRUPTED BY A SUBJUGATED REBEL.
Washington, D. C., November 18, 1865.
*Sence the November elections I hev bin spendin the heft uv
my time in Washinton. I find a melankoly pleasure in ling'rin
around the scene uv so many Demokratic triumphs. Here it
wuz that Brooks, the heroic, bludgeoned Summer; here it wuz
that Calhoon, and Yancey, and Breckinridge achieved their
glory and renown. Besides, it's the easiest place to dodge a
board bill in the Yoonited States. There's so many
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Congressmen here who resemble me, that I hev no difficulty in passin
for one two thirds uv the time.
Yisterday I met, in the readin-room uv Willard's, Ginral
MacStinger, of South Karliny. The Ginral is here on the
same bizness most uv the Southern men hev in this classic
city, that uv prokoorin a pardon, wich he hed prokoored, and
wuz gittin ready to go home and accept the nominashen for
Congress in his deestrick.
The Ginral wuz gloomy. Things didn't soot him, he observed,
and he wuz afeerd that the country wuz on the high road to
rooin. He hed bin absent from the United States suthin over
four yeers, wich time he hed spent in the Southern Confederacy.
When he went out the Constooshnel Dimocrisy hed some rites
wich wuz respected. On his return wat did he see? The
power in the hands uv Radikals, Ablishnism in the majority
everywhere, a ex-tailor President, — a state uv affairs disgustin
in the extreme to the highly sensitive Southern mind. He had
accepted a pardon only becoz he felt hisself constrained to put
hisself into position to go to Congress, that the country might
be reskood from its impendin peril. He shood go to Congress,
and then he shood ask the despots who now hev control,
whether, —
1. They spozed the South wood submit to hoomiliatin condishns?
2. What Androo Johnson means by dictatin to the Convenshuns
uv sovereign States?
“Why,” sez he, “but a few days ago this boor hed the
ashoorence to write to the Georgy Convenshun that it `must
not' — mark the term — `MUST NOT assoom the confedrit war
debt.' Is a tailor to say `must not' to chivelrus Georgy?
Good God! — where are we driftin? For one, I never will be
consilliated on them terms — never! I never wuz used to that
style uv talk in Dimekratic convenshuns.
“Ez soon ez I take my seat in Congris,” resoomed he, “I
shel deliver a speech, wich I writ the day after Lee surrendered,
so ez to hev it ready, in which I shel take the follerin
ground, to wit: —
“That the South hev buried the hatchit, and hev diskivered
that they love the old Union above anything on earth. But,
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“The North must meet us half way, or we won't be answerable
for the consekences. Ez a basis for a settlement, I shel
insist on the follerin condishens: —
“The Federal debt must be repoodiated, principal and interest,
or ef paid, the Southern war debt must be paid likewise —
ez a peece offerin. The doctrine uv State Rites must be made
the soopreme law uv the land, that the South may withdraw
whenever they feel theirselves dissatisfied with Massachoosetts.
Uv course this is a olive branch.
“Jefferson Davis must be to-wunst set at liberty and Sumner
hung, ez proof that the North is really concilliatory. On
this point I am inflexible, and on the others immovable.”
An old man who hed bin listenin to our talk, murmured that
there wuz a parallel to this last proposishen.
“Where?” demanded the Genral.
“The Jews, I remember,” replied he, “demanded that
Barabbas be released unto them, who wuz a thief, I believe,
and the Savior be crucified, but I forgit jist how it wuz.”
The Ginral withered him with a litenin glance, and resoomed: —
“I shel, uv course, offer the North suthin in the way uv
compensation, for the troo theory uv a Republikin Guvernment
is compermise. On our part we pledge ourselves to come
back, and give the North the benefit uv our comin back, so
long ez Massachoosetts conducts herself accordin to our ijees
uv what is rite. But ef this ekitable adjustment is rejected,
all I hev to say then is, I shel resign, and the Government may
sink without wun effort from me to save it.”
I wuz about to give in my experience, when the old man,
who wuz sittin near us, broke in agin: —
“My name,” sed he, “is Maginnis, and I live in Alabama. I
want to say a word to the gentleman from Karliny, and to the
wun from Noo Jersey.”
“How,” retorted I, “do yoo know I'm from Noo Jersey, not
hevin spoken a word in yoor hearin?”
“By a instink I hev. Whenever I see a Sutherner layin it
down heavy to a indivijooel whose physiognamy is uv sich a
cast that upon beholdin it yoo instinktively feel to see that
yoor pocket-handkercher is safe, a face that wood be dangerous
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ef it had courage into it, I alluz know the latter to be a Northern
Copperhead. The Noo Jersey part I guessed at, becoz, my
friend, that State furnished the lowest order uv Copperheads of
any uv em. Pardon me ef I flatter yoo. But what I wanted to
say wuz, that I spose suthin hez happened doorin the past four
years. I was a original secessionist. Sum years ago I hed a
hundred niggers, and wuz doin well with em. But, unforchunitly,
my brother died, and left me ez much more land, but no
niggers. I wanted niggers enuff to work that land, and sposed
ef cut off from the North, and the slave-trade wuz reopened, I
cood git em cheaper. Hence I seceshed. Sich men ez Genral
McStinger told me the North woodent fight or I woodent hev
secesht, but I did. I went out for wool and cum back shorn.
I seceshed with 100 niggers to git 200, and alas! I find myself
back into the old government, with nary a nigger.
“But all this is no excoose for talkin bald noncents. Yoo
old ass,” sed he, addressin Genral McStinger, “yoo talk uv wat
yoo will do, and what yoo won't. Heven't yoo diskivered that
yoo are whipped? Heven't yoo found out that yoo are subjoogated?
Are yoo back into the Union uv yoor own free
will and akkord? Heven't yoo got a pardon in yoor pockit,
which dockyment is all that saves yoor neck from stretchin
hemp? Why do yoo talk uv wat South Carliny will and wont
do? Good Lord! I recollect about a year since South Carliny
wood never permit her soil to be pollutid by Yankee hirelins,
yit Sherman marched all over it with a few uv em, and skacely
a gun was fired at em. So too I recollect that that sed State,
wich wuz agoin to whip the entire North, and wich wood, ef
overpowered, submit gracefully and with dignity to annihilation,
and sich, wuz the first to git down on her marrow bones,
and beg for peace like a dorg. Ef yoo intend this talk for the
purpose uv skarin the North, beleeve me when I say that the
North ain't so easy skared ez it wuz. Ef it's intendid for home
consumption, consider me the people. I've heard it before,
and I'll take no more uv it until my stumick settles. It makes
me sick. The fact is we are whipped, and hev got to do the
best we kin. We are a goin to pay the Federal debt, and ain't
goin to pay the Confederit debt. Davis will be hung, and
serve him rite. States rites is dead, and slavery is abolished,
-- 221 -- p635-238
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and with it chivelry; and it's my opinion the South is a d — d
sight better off without either of em. I kin sware, now,
after livin outside uv the shadder uv the flag four years, that I
love it! You bet I do. I carry a small one in my coat pocket.
I hev a middlin sized one waved by my youngest boy over the
family when at prayers, and a whalin big one wavin over my
house all the time. I hev diskivered that it's a good thing to
live under, and when sich cusses as yoo talk uv what yoo will
and won't do under it, I bile. Go home, yoo cusses, go home!
Yoo, South, and pullin orf yoor coat, go to work, thankin God
that Johnson's merciful enuff to let yoo go home at all, insted
uv hangin yoo up like a dorg, for tryin to bust a Guverment
too good for yoo. Yoo, North, thankful that the men uv sense
uv the North hed the manhood to prevent us from rooinin ourselves
by makin sich ez yoo our niggers. Avaunt!”
And the excited Mr. Maginnis, who is evidently subjoogated,
strode out uv our presence. His intemperit talk cast a chill
over our confidencis, and we didn't resoom with the ease and
freedom we commenced with, and in a few minutes we parted.
I didn't like him.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n39* The McStingers of the South (and there were thousands of them) really
supposed that they would be permitted to take their old places in the government,
and have the same control they had previous to secession.
LXXXIX. A REMARKABLE DREAM. — A COUNTRY SETTLED EXCLUSIVELY BY DEMOCRATS.
Washington, December 1, 1865.
Last nite I wuz the victim uv another dream. Ef I don't
quit this explorin the realms of the fucher in my sleep, I shall
become a second Saint John. Ef so, I make no doubt my
revelations will be uv a remarkably startlin character.
Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power we diskivered
they possest, after the late elecshuns, and had gone the
whole figger. They had forced the South into the humiliashen
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uv allowin niggers to testify, and in the Northern states had
given em the elective franchise. Uv course the educated and
refined Democrasy wood never consent to be carried up to the
polls alongside uv a nigger — uv course no Democratic offisseeker
wood hoomiliate himself to treatin a nigger afore a
election, it bein a article uv faith with us never to drink with
a nigger, onless he pays for it.
Therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to submit, the
heft uv the Democrasy determined to emigrate in a body to
some land where the Anglo-Sackson cood rool, — where there
was no mixter of the disgustin African. Mexico wuz the
country chosen, and methawt the entire party, in one solid
column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation. The
peeple on our route wuz all dressed in white, ez a token uv
joy, and from every house hung banners, with inscriptions onto
em, sich ez, —
“Now is our hen-roosts safe!”
“Canada on its way to Mexico!”
“Poor Mexico — we bewail thy fate!”
Our march resembled very much that uv the childern uv
Isrel. Our noses wuz the pillers uv fire by nite, and our breath
the piller uv smoke by day.
On our arrival to Mexico, the natives uv that country, struck
probably with awe at the majestic and flamin expression uv our
countenances, hastily gathered up their linen, and silver spoons,
and hosses, and sich, and retreated to the mountains. It wuz
a compliment to us that them ez hadn't ennything remained.
Finally we reached a plain, where we decided to remain, and,
uv course, the fust thing to do wuz to form a guverment.
Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv Noo York, wuz chosen viva
voce, ez President, and he stept forerd to hev the oath administered
to him, wich wuz to be dun by the oldest Justis uv the
Peece uv the late state uv Noo Jersey, which hez committed
sooicide. Here a new trouble ensood — there wuzn't a Bible
to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty wuz got
over by a New York Alderman yellin out, “Never mind the
oath. What's the yoose uv any oath he takes?” So he wuz
declared President.
Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize the military. He
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requested sich ez hed held commissions in the army uv the
United States to step forerd three paces. Gens. Micklelan,
Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, and Slocum stept forerd, and with em
some 4000, a part uv whom hed held quartermasters' commissions
and whose accounts, “just afore the battle, mother,”
didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and others who
hed bin dismist for bein in the rear, when their sooperiors desired
to see em in the front, and who consekently considered
it a d—d Ablishun war, wich they didn't approve uv no how.
Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin his army,
he axed all them who hed bin in the service as privates to step
forerd. 20,000 obeyed, and the President asked the fust one
where he enlisted, who ansered ez follows: —
“At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1000; and at Philadelphia,
April 14, 1864, bounty $700; and at Pittsburg, April
16, 1864, bounty $800; and at Cincinnati, April 19, 1864,
bounty $400; and at —”
“Enough,” said Fernandy, and glancin down the line, and
seein all the faces were uv the same style and expression, he
asked no more uv em any questions.
Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a church, he
desired all who were ministers uv the Gospel to step forerd.
Twenty-one stept out and desired to explain. They cood
not say that they were just now in full connection with any
church. They hed bin, but their unconstooshnel Ablishin Synods
and conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in hoss
tradin, and various other irregularities, and suspended em, and
silenced em and sich, becoz they were Democrats, but —
The President shrugged his sholders, and asked all who cood
read to step out. About one half ansered, and then he requestid
sich uv this number ez cood be prevailed upon to
accept a small office, and who bleeved theirselves fit, to step
out agin, and to my unutterable horror and consternation, every
one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so many bees. Immejitly
there wuz an uproar. Them ez coodent read swore vociferously
that there wuz nothin fair about that arrangement. They
never knowd that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to hold
office in the Democratic party, and they'd never stand that,
and they all stepped out.
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Finally it wuz decided that a election should be held at some
fucher time.
The next step wuz to divide em up into employments. The
President requested them ez preferred to foller mechanikle
employments to step out: Sum thirty advanced. Them ez
preferred farmin: About fifty stept out. Them ez expected
to run small groceries:
There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters. Ninetyeight
per cent. uv all — ceptin the officers and preachers —
sprung to the front, but when they saw ther strength, their
faces turned white. “Good Lord!” whispered they; “we
can't make a livin out uv the remainin two per cent. and the
officers and preachers!”
The mass then demanded a division uv the property, that all
mite start alike, but upon takin a inventory, it wuz found not
wuth while to bother about a division.
Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun to another,
“O, for the flesh pots uv the Egypt we left!” “I cood, at
hum, live off my Ablishn nabers.” “There wuz rich men in
our ward, but ez we hed the majority, they paid taxes, which
we spent!” “Ablishnists is pizen, but it is well enough to
hev enough uv em to tax!” and ez wun man, they resolved to
return, and the confusion that resulted from the breakin up
awoke me.
There is onquestionably a moral in the vision. Ez often ez
I hev sighed for perpetual Democratic majorities, I hev sumtimes,
when our party wuz successful, and bid fair to be so
permanently, wondered what we would do with the Treasury
ef we didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to hev the other
party nurse it into pickin condition for us.
I don't think I shood like to live in a unanimous Dimocratic
community.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 225 -- p635-242
XC. A CHANGE OF BASE — KENTUCKY. — A SERMON WHICH WAS INTERRUPTED BY A SUBJUGATED AND SUBDUED CONFEDERATE.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
December 9, 1865.
[figure description] Page 225.[end figure description]
Here in the great State uv Kentucky, the last hope uv
Democrisy, I hev pitched my tent, and here I propose to lay
these old bones when Deth, who hez a mortgage onto all uv us,
shall see fit to foreclose. I didn't like to leave Washinton. I
love it for its memories. There stands the Capitol where the
President makes his appintments; there is the Post Offis Department,
where all the Postmasters is appinted. There it wuz
that Jaxon rooled. I hed a respect for Jaxon. I can't say I
loved him, for he never used us rite. He hated the Whigs ez
bad ez we did, but after we beat em and elevated him to the
Presidency, the stealins didn't come in ez fast ez we expected.
Never shel I forgit the compliment he paid me. Jest after his
election I presented myself afore him with my papers, an applicant
for a place. He read em, and scanned me with a
critic's eye.
“Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?” sez I, inquirinly.
“Certinly,” sez he; “I kin and alluz hev. It's sich ez yoo
I use to beat the Whigs with, and I am continually astonished
to see how much work I accomplish with sich dirty tools. My
dear sir,” sed he, pintin to the door, “when I realize how many
sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how cheap they kin be bought
up, I really tremble for the Republic.”
I didn't get the office I wanted.
Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced to leave it.
I mite hev stayed there, but the trooth is, the planks uv that
city and the pavements are harder, and worse to sleep on, than
those uv any other city in the United Staits. I hed lived two
months by passin myself off ez Dimekratic Congressmen, but
that cood only last a short time, there not bein many uv that
-- 226 -- p635-243
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persuasion here to personate. I hed gone the rounds uv the
House ez often ez it wuz safe, and one nite commenced on the
Senate. Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich the
gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore me, and I drank.
“Put it down with the rest uv mine,” sez I, with a impressive
wave uv the hand.
“Yoor name?” sez he.
Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, “Do you know
Charles Sumner?”
Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'erleaped herself.
Hed I sed “Saulsbury,” it mite hev ansered, but to give Sumner's
name for a drink uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich
I can't account. I wuz ignominiously kicked into the street.
Drinks obtained at the expense uv bein kicked is cheap, but I
don't want em on them terms; my pride revolted, and so I
emigrated.
I found here a church buildin, uv which the congregation
had bin mostly killed in bushwhackin expeditions, and announcin
myself az a constooshnel preacher from Noo Jersey,
succeeded in drawin together a highly respectable awjence last
Sunday.
Takin for a text the passage, “The wages uv sin is death,”
I opened out ez follows:—
“Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen
from yer normal condishn. Yoor beloved pastor hez a stumick
and a head, wich is in close sympathy with each other, so much
so, indeed, that the principal biznis uv the head is to fill the
stumick, and mighty close work it's been for many years, yoo
bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a nite, a quart or two
more than his usual allowance, more than his stumick absolootly
demands, and his head swells with indignashen. The excess is
sin, and the ache is the penalty.
“The wages uv sin is death! Punishment and sin is ez
unseperable ez the shadder is from the man — one is ez shoor
to foller the other ez the assessor is to come around — ez nite
is to foller day. The Dimekratic party, uv wich I am a ornament,
hez experienced the trooth uv this text. When Douglas
switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuz electid,
and the sceptre departed from Israel. When —”
-- --
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-- 227 --
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At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv
the house ariz and interrupted me. He sed he hed a word to
say on that subjick which must be sed, and ef I interrupted
him till he got through he'd punch my hed; whereupon I let
him go on.
“Trooly,” sez he, “the wages uv sin is death. I hev alluz
bin a Dimecrat. The old Dimocracy hez bin in the service uv
sin for thirty years, and the assortment uv death it hez received
for wages is trooly surprisin. Never did a party commence
better. Jaxson wuz a honist man, who knew that righteousnis
wuz the nashen's best holt. But he died, and a host uv tuppenny
politicians, with his great name for capital, jumped into his
old clothes, and undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy
cood hev elected a honest man every fourth or fifth term, they
mite hev ground along for a longer period, but alass! Jaxson
wuz the last uv that style we hed, and so many dishonist cusses
wuz then in the Capital that his ghost coodent watch the half
uv them.
“The fust installment uv death we reseeved wuz when Harrison
beat us. The old pollitishens in our party didn't mind it,
for, sez they, `The Treasury woodent hev bin wuth much to
us anyhow after the suckin it has experienced for twelve
years; it needs four years uv rest.' We elected Polk, and
here it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshent compacts
made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in blood. We made
a contract with Calhoonism, and that wuz ritten in blood wich
wuz shed in Mexico. Here we sold ourselves out, boots and
britches, to the cotton Democricy, and don't our history ever
since prove the trooth uv the text, `The wages uv sin is death'?
O, my friends! in wat heavy instalments, and how regularly,
hev these wages bin paid us.
“Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas Write
kicked out, and wood hev gone over agin us hed he not fortunately
died too soon, and skores uv others followed soot. Things
went on until Pierce wuz elected. The Devil (wich is cotton),
whom we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the ring, and wat a
scatterin ensood.
“Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually but
shoorly the work uv death went on. Bookannon wuz elected,
-- 228 --
[figure description] Page 228.[end figure description]
but wuz uv no yoose to us. After Peerse hed run the machine
four yeers, wat wuz there left? Eko ansers. Anuther siftin
follered, and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxson hed
got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to wich we hed sold
ourselves, wood not let us off with this, however. `The wages
uv sin is death,' and we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He
instigated South Karliny to rebel; he indoosed the other Democratic
States to foller; he forced the Northern Democrisy to
support em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke. Dickinson,
and Cass, and Dix, and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wun
by wun the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the
Democratic firmament, leaving Noo Jersey alone, and last fall,
my brethren, she sot in gloom.
“O, how true it is! We served sin faithfully, and where
are we? We went to war for slavery, and slavery is dead.
We fit for a confederacy, and the confederacy is dead. We fit
for States Rites, and States Rites is dead. And Democracy
tied herself to all these corpses, and they hev stunk her to
death.
“Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and whar is Kentucky?
We sent our men to the confedrit army, and none uv
em cum back, ceptin the skulkers, who comprised all uv that
class wich we wood hev bin glad to hev killed. Linkin wantid
to hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid for em. We
held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are taken from us
with nary a compensate. In short, whatever uv good the Devil
promised us in pollitics hez resulted in evil. My niggers is
gone, my plantashen here hez fed alternately both armies, ez
they cavorted backerds and forrerds through the Stait; my
house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to show for my property
is Confedrit money, which is a very dead article uv death.
I know not what the venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a
goin to say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage,
and cant preach a elokent sermon on that text, he aint much on
the preach. I'm done.”
Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I coodn't go on. I
dismist the awdience with a benedickshun, hopin to get em
together when sich prejudiced men aint present.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 229 -- p635-248
XCI. THE EFFECT THE PROCLAMATION OF SECRETARY SEWARD PRODUCED IN KENTUCKY.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
December 20, 1865.
[figure description] Page 229.[end figure description]
*At last! The deed is done! The tyranikle government
which hez sway at Washington hez finally extinguished the
last glimerin flicker uv Liberty, by abolishin slavery! The
sun didn't go down in gloom that nite — the stars didn't fade
into a sickly yeller, at wich obstinacy uv nachur I wuz considably
astonished.
I got the news at the Post Offis, near wich I am at present
stayin, at the house uv a venerable old planter, who accepts
my improvin conversation and a occasional promise, wich is
cheap, ez equivalent for board. Sadly I wendid my way to
his peaceful home, dreadin to fling over that house the pall uv
despair. After supper I broke to em ez gently ez I cood the
intelligence that three fourths uv the States hed ratified the
constooshnel amendment — that Seward had ishued his proclamation,
and that all the Niggers wuz free!
Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on human countenance—
never wuz there despair uv sich depth. All nite long the
bereaved inmates uv that wunst happy but now distracted
home wept and waled in agony wich wuz perfectly heart
rendin.
“Wo is me,” sobbed the old man, wringin his hands.
“John Brown's karkis hangs a danglin in the air, but his sole
is marchin on.
“It took posseshun uv Seward, and through his ugly mouth
it spoke the words `the nigger is free,' and there is no more a
slave in all the land.
“Wunst I hed a hundred niggers, and the men were fat and
-- 230 --
[figure description] Page 230.[end figure description]
healthy, and the wenches wuz strong, and sum uv em wuz fair
to look upon.
“They worked in my house, and my fields, from the risin uv
the sun to the goin down uv the same.
“Wuz they lazy? I catted them till they wuz cured
thereof; for lo! they wuz ez a child under my care.
“Did they run away? From Kentucky they run North, and
lo! the Locofoco Marshals caught them for me, and brought
them back, and delivered them into my hand, without cost,
sayin, lo! here is thy nigger — do with him ez thou wilt (wich
I alluz did), wich wuz cheeper than keepin dogs, and jest ez
good.
“Solomon wuz wise, for he hed uv concubines a suffishensy,
but we wuz wiser in our day than him.
“For he hed to feed his children, and it kost him shekels uv
gold and shekels uv silver, and much corn and oil.
“We hed our concubines with ez great a muchness ez Solomon,
but we sold their children for silver, and gold, and red-dog
paper.”
And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who hed alluz
bin a father to his servants (and a grandfather to many uv em)
poured out his lamentations.
In the mornin the niggers wuz called up, and ez they all hed
their coats on, and hed bundles, I spect they must hev heard
the news. The old gentleman explained the situation to em.
“Yoo will,” sed he, “stay in yoor happy homes — yoo will
alluz continue to live here, and work here, ez yoo hev alluz
dun?”
The niggers, all in korous, with a remarkable unanimity,
remarkt that ef they hed ever bin introdoost to theirselves,
they thought they woodent. In fact, they hed congregated at
that time for the purpose uv startin life on their own hook.
A paroxysm uv pain and anguish shot over the old man's
face. Nearest to him stood a octoroon, who, hed she not bin
tainted with the accurst blood uv Ham, wood hev bin considered
beautiful. Fallin on her neck, the old patriarch, with
teers a streamin down his furrowd cheeks, ejackilated, —
“Farewell, Looizer, my daughter, farewell! I loved yoor
mother ez never man loved nigger. She wuz the solace uv my
-- --
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-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- 231 -- p635-252
[figure description] Page 231.[end figure description]
leisure hours — the companion uv my yooth. She I sold to
pay off a mortgage on the place — she and yoor older sisters.
Farewell! I hed hoped to hev sold yoo this winter (for yoo
are still young), and bought out Jinkins; but wo is me!
Curses on the tyrent who thus severs all the tender ties uv
nachur. O! it is hard for father to part with child, even when
the market's high; but, O God! to part thus —”
And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef, swoonded away
genteelly.
His son Tom hed bin caressin her two little children, who
wuz half whiter than she wuz. Unable to restrain hisself, he
fell on her neck, and bemoaned his fate with tetchin pathos.
“Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children! Farewell,
faro, and hosses, and champane — a long farewell! Your
increase wuz my perquisites, and I sold em to supply my
needs. Hed yoo died, I cood hev bin resigned; for when
dead you ain't wuth a copper; but to see yoo torn away
livin, and wuth $2000 in any market — it's too much, it's
too much!”
And he fainted, fallin across the old man.
“Who'll do the work about the house?” shreekt the old
lady, faintin and fallin across Tom.
“Who'll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us?” shreekt
the three daughters, swoonin away, and fallin across the old
woman.
My first impulse wuz to faint away myself, and fall across the
three daughters; but I restrained myself, and wuz contented
with strikin a attitood and organizin a tablo. Hustlin the niggers
away with a burnin cuss for their ingratitood, I spent the
balance uv the forenoon in bringin on em too. Wun by wun
they became conshus; but they wuz not theirselves. Their
minds wuz evidently shattered; they wuz carryin a heavy
heart in their buzzums.
Wood, O! wood that Seward cood hev seen that groop!
Sich misery does Ablishnism bring in its train — sich horrers
follers a departure from Dimikratik teechins. When will
reason return to the people? Eko answers, When?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n40* Up to the issuing of the Proclamation of Secretary Seward the majority of
the planters of the South expected to be allowed to hold their slaves. They
could not be made to believe that this “outrage” would be inflicted upon
them.
-- 232 -- p635-253
XCII. A CONVERSATION WITH A LOYAL KENTUCKIAN, WHO HAD FAITH IN THE FINAL TRIUMPH OF DEMOCRACY.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
January 6, 1866.
[figure description] Page 232.[end figure description]
*I see a lite. Dimocrisy is not that dead carkis its enemies
hoped for and its friends feared. My noomerous friends here
insisted that ez I wuz growin into the seer and yaller leaf, I
shood abandon Dimocrisy, and flote with the current. I can't.
Ez troo ez the needle to the pole, so am I to Dimocrisy.
Young wimmin flock to marryins, middle-aged ones to bornins,
old ones to buryins, which shows concloosively to the most
limited intelleck wat the mind uv each class runs upon. So it
is with me. To me Dimocrisy is wife, mother, and child.
I hev diskivered many things sence I hev bin in Kentucky—
things wich elevated my deprest heart ez yeast does dough,
wich filled my shrunken soul ez wind does a bladder.
The people uv Kentucky wuz all loyal. Doorin the horrible
fratrisidle war wich hez rent the proud temple uv liberty into
twain, they preserved a strict nootrality. I hed a conversation
with wun old patriarch, who asshoored me that he hed never
taken sides. Upon his honor, he asshoored me that, after battles,
he rifled the corpses uv both armies, impartially. “Cood
any body be more nootraller than that?” he asked. “My
sons,” sed he, “wuz in the Confedrit army. This fact wood
hev turned the affections uv a week-minded man in that direction;
but when I thot uv the boys, I alluz thot also uv that
glorious star-spangled banner, under wich I hed whipped my
niggers and sold their children; under whose shadder I hed
men servants, and made servants, and home-made servants born
-- 233 --
[figure description] Page 233.[end figure description]
unto me. That banner hed bin my shield. Ef my niggers run
off, who so prompt in their pursoot ez the Democratic marshals,
wich alluz returned em to me ef it wuz possible? The instooshun
wuz guaranteed to me by solemn compermises, wich we
cocd hev ez often ez we desired. Compermises wuz our best
holt. Whenever we wanted anything, all we hed to do wuz to
ask for it. The Ablishnists wood object, the Dimocrisy wood
draw up a compermise, wich inclooded, ez a rool, twice or three
times wat we asked, and pass it to save the Union. Sich a
Union wuz worth havin, and I opposed all efforts to dissolute
it. Hed the South succeeded, I shood hev gone with em; for
Kentucky alone — the only nigger State in the North — wood
hev bin helpless. Scaldin tears hev I shed when contemplatin
the horrors uv war; but I cood do nothin to avert it. Kentucky
wuz loyal, but nootral.”
I find down here that the loyal citizens uv Kentucky who
hev returned from the Confedrit service are not at all discouraged;
on the contrary, they are hopeful. Sed one to me (I
bleeve he wuz a Kernel under General Forest; indeed, I think
he told me he participated in the glorious victory at Fort
Piller), —
“Why art thou cast down? Things is workin eggsactly to
our hand.”
In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to perseeve it.
“I kin,” sez he. “Lookye, my venerable friend. Is Northern
Dimocrisy still troo?”
“They is,” I replied, “wat few remains. But, alas! war,
crooel war, hez decimated our ranks five times.”
“How so?” sez he. “None uv your kind uv Democrats
joined in this unholy croosade, and fell afore our deth-deelin
swords — did they?”
“Not any,” sez I; “but Canady and Montana took em afore
each draft. That wuz why we wuz so beat at the eleckshuns.
For one week-kneed Ablishnist we scared into our ranks, we
lost two by emigration; and, unfortunitly, wun half that emigrated
starved to death, and tother half is distributed in the
various state's prisons in them lands uv refuge.”
“Still,” sez he, “it matters not. Yoo hev deestricks yoo kin
carry in most uv the States. The Five Points deestrick, in
-- 234 --
[figure description] Page 234.[end figure description]
Noo York, is ours. Noo Jersey will go back to her allegiance.
The new gold States, where so menny uv our friends fled, will
send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez two devoted to us,
Pennsylvany hez several, and the most uv the Northern States
will send one or two; and them from the North kin be depended
on to go any measure we say. Then” — and he
slapped me on the back hilariously — “the niggers is free!”
“Well,” sez I, not seein wat cause for hilarity that wuz.
“Well,” sez he, “them niggers is not now OTHER PERSONS!
We alluz counted five uv em for three in makin up the Congressmen
we wuz entitled to; now they count as white men,
wich increases our delegashuns to sich an extent that ef yoo
Northern men do half yoor dooty, we'll hev a majority in Congress.
Then, good Lord! the pleasant crack uv the whip shel
agin be heard on the plains uv the sunny South. The niggers
wont be re-enslaved; but our Legislaters will speedily redoose
em to their normal condishun. We shel observe the Constitushnel
Amendment strickly and in good faith. The Afrikin shel
be free; but the good uv society demands that he shel be
under proper guardianship. He won't be allowed to change
his location; and the laws uv the States will define his dooties,
and give us the power uv enforcin em. He won't be allowed
to hev arms, so he can't resist. Ez he can't leave a plantation,
he will hev to submit quietly to sich rools ez the high-minded
planter makes for him, or be shot on the spot, or turned out to
die uv starvashun, akording to circumstances. Ef the planter
is a unregenerated child uv damnashun, he will shoot him; ef
he is a saint, who hez a Southern hope uv a blessed immortality
beyond the grave, he'll restrain his anger, and turn him out to
die uv hunger, onless he repents, and comes back humble.
Then, they bein free and responsible for theirselves, we ain't
obleeged to take care uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, so it
will be really better than it wuz before. I see a glorious future
afore us. Thro the thick clouds uv gloom the brite sun uv
hope cheerinly breaks. Say to the Northern Dimocrisy, be uv
good cheer. Agin they shel lick our hands; agin they shel eat
the crumbs that fall from the National table.
“Thank God for the Northern Dimocrisy, with the other
blessins He has given the South. With niggers to do our
-- 235 -- p635-256
[figure description] Page 235.[end figure description]
manual labor for nothing, with Northern Dimocrats to do our
votin at almost the same price, we are trooly a favored people.
Bless the Lord for the nigger and the Dimocrat, wich is both
useful to us, each in his speer!”
I drew encouragement from his remarks. The deep vane
uv pious thankfulness wich run through his discourse was
nateral to him. He is a trooly pious man, and wuz just back
from the meetin uv the Synod uv one uv the Southern churches,
wich still persists in quotin Onesimus and Hayger. I feel
encouraged. O, Dimmycrats uv the North, let us
“Our vigger renoo,
And our journey persoo,”
and I feel shoor that success will at last crown our efforts.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Pastor uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n41* The Southern politicians fancied that the ownership of the land would give
them absolute power over the negroes, forgetting that the labor of their late
slaves was just as valuable as the land; that without that labor the land was
valueless. It was some years before they discovered that the negro could think,
and act from his knowledge as white men did.
XCIII. A PLAN SUGGESTED FOR THE UP-BUILDING OF THE DEMOCRACY.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
January 27, 1866.
Halleloogy! halleloogy! halleloogy! I see a lite! It
beams onto me! It penetrates me! It fills me! Joy to the
world!
I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the Dimocrisy.
I seed it yesterday. I wuz a wanderin on the neighborin hills,
a musin onto the cussednis uv humanity ez exemplified in the
person uv the grocery keeper at the Corners, who unanimusly
refoozed to give me further credit for corn whisky, wich is the
article they yoose in this country to pizen theirselves with.
He asshoored me that he hed the utmost regard for my many
virtues; but he diskivered that the one he prized the most I
-- 236 --
[figure description] Page 236.[end figure description]
hedn't so many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker. Therefore
the account mite be considered closed. Then, for the fust
time in my life, I bleeved in total depravity.
While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark cloud wich
fell across my pathway, and the fall uv the Dimocratic party, I
came onto a party of men borin for oil. Then the trooth flashed
over me. Their operations showed me the way to success —
the shoor path to triumph.
“When,” said I to myself, “when men seek gain they bore
for it. They go down — never up.” Even so with the Dimocrisy.
We dug downward, downward, downward, through all
the strata uv society. We went through the groceries; the
next stratum was the most ignorant uv the furiners; then we
struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below them, the
heft uv the people uv Noo Jersey; then Southern Illinoy and
Indiana; then Pike county, Missouri; and so on. We never
went upward for converts, cause 'twant no use. When a man
wanted to jine us he alluz hed to come down. We got lots of
converts.
There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft uv Democrats
who wuznt born in the party hev slid down; to wit: —
Quarter dollar smiles. 15 cent nips. 10 cent drinks. 5 cent
sucks. A flat flask conceeled. A bottle openly. Dimocrisy.
We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we
hev now kills off our voters too fast; and the tax on whisky
forced two thirds uv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez
they begun to git on their feet they jined the Ablishnists.
Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuz no lower stratum to
dig into, and give up in disgust,
But I hev diskivered that lower stratum — I hev found it;
and when the idea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, I
shouted Halleloogy! The nigger is the lower stratum; and
ef we bore down to it, and work it thoroughly, we hev, at least,
a twenty years' lease uv power.
We must cultivate the nigger. He must hev the suffrage!
It is a burnin shame, that, in this Nineteenth Century, in the
full blaze uv intelligence, livin under a Declarashun which declares
all men “free and ekal,” that a large body uv men shood
be denied the glorious privilege uv bein taken up to the poles
-- 237 --
[figure description] Page 237.[end figure description]
and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he not taxed ez we
are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv em
own property? Is he not amenable to all the laws, even ez
we is? Then why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a
vote? Ah! why, indeed?
“But this is Ablishnism!” methinks I hear a obtoose Dimocrisy
observe in horrer. “And why give them votes who
will use em agin us?”
My gentle friend, will they use their ballot agin us? Ef I
know myself, I think not. Kin they read? Kin they write?
Aint the bulk uv em rather degraded and low than otherwise?
Aint that the kind uv stock we want, and the kind wich hez
alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz bin agin us. Every skoolmaster
is a engine uv Ablishnism; every noosepaper is a cuss.
General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked God there wuzn't
a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo spoze
a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite
ez him in Congress year after year?
Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pass, givin
representashen to voters alone. The Democratic States will
hev more members uv Congress and more electoral votes than
afore the war; and them States we kin depend on.
But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them niggers
ain't needed in the South. We'll send em North. A few thousand
will overbalance the Ablishn majority in Noo Jersey; fifty
thousand will bring Ohio back to the fold; the same number
will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the country is
saved — we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pit
the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into hisself; the club he cut
for us will break his own head.
Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez perceded from
Nazareth. The nigger smells sweeter to me now than Nite
bloomin Serious; he is more precious to me than gold, or silver,
or preshus stones. He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He
shel lift me into a Post Orfis. We must give our Afrikin
brother, — for is he not a man and a brother? — not only the
suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give
it to him. I want Garrit Davis to instantly interdoose a bill
into the Senate givin each family a quarter section uv land, a
-- 238 --
[figure description] Page 238.[end figure description]
pair uv mules, and a cook stove; and each female Afrikin
brother two flarin calico dresses and a red bonnet. I want
him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more than two
hours, so that it will stand some chance uv passin. On second
thought, I guess some other man hed better interdoose the
bill, as the Senate hez got into sich a habit uv votin down
everything he proposes, that they'd slather this without considerin
it, on general principles.
Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it'll
take twenty years afore the Ablishinists kin educate em up to
the standard uv votin their tikkit; and even that time won't
do it if we kin git the tax taken off uv whiskey, so that we kin
afford to use it ez in the happy days uv yore.
Joyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new
temple uv Dimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two niggers,
and hev bin shakin hands and enquirin after the health uv the
families uv all I hev met. It's rather hard for an orthodox
Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is rather wrenchin on the conshence.
But what uv that? The Dimocrat who hez follered
the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich a
triflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich glorious
results.
“There's a lite about to gleem,
There's a fount about to streem,
Wait a little longer!”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 239 -- p635-260
XCIV. ENJOYS A VISION OF THE NEXT WORLD, SEEING THEREIN MANY CURIOUS THINGS, WHICH ARE PUBLISHED AS A WARNING TO POLITICIANS.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
February 5, 1866.
[figure description] Page 239.[end figure description]
Last nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at precisely half
past eleven, after eatin a rather light supper for that time uv
night. I alluz make it a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I'm
gittin old, and my digestive faculties ain't what they wuz when
I wuz young. Alas! we who hev lived out the best part uv
our days, wat wood we give to be set back to the time when,
with our faculties unimpaired, we cood consoom a good square
meal without fear uv consekenses! But
“Them happy days is fled,
And never will return.”
I paid my respecks to two mince pies, a pair uv pig's feet,
some cold tongue, and a plate uv tripe, follered by a half dozen
doughnuts, and a couple or more uv glasses uv hot whisky
punch; and singler ez it may seem, it didn't set well. I
dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt at all pleasant. Methawt
I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It wuz a
singler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this
world and the next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every
deceest spirit hed to cross it. The water wuz suthin like that
uv the Dead Sea. A man, unencumbered with anything, cood
walk on it, but they sunk down in it ef they wuz loaded,
accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother side uv this
Jordan wuz heaven; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the
1st wuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which
took all them ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins
above water.
On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils,
who flung onto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross, their
failins, and weaknesses, and iniquities.
-- 240 -- p635-261
[figure description] Page 240.[end figure description]
General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the
flood. He hed on a life preserver, labelled “States Rights;”
but a peert little devil stuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the
gas with wich it wuz filled smellin horribly. Down he went,
and ez he sunk, they commenced peltin him with packages
labelled “Treason,” “Perjury,” and “Murder,” and John C.
went under.
Old James Buchanan went next. The old gentleman didn't
keep above water as long ez a able-bodied man could hold a bar
uv red-hot iron in his hand. He made one splash, when a
weight labelled “Treason” struck him, and down he went.
The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in charge had
a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge at him, but that
one wuz sufficient.
Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see no one
make a motion at him, but he sank all the same. “We never
waste effort,” sed Satan to me; “he carries enough natural
cussedness about him, all the time, to sink him, without pilin
any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old.”
Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter.
He wuz immediately seezed, and on each leg wuz tied a weight
labelled “Kansas,” and they flung him in. He went down like
a shot, and that's the last I seed uv him.
Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed over safely.
Nothing wuz flung at him, for wich I asked the reason.
“Why,” sed Satan, “the poor old man isn't accountable.
He commenced to talk many years ago, and keeps on talkin
because he really don't know when to stop. I could hev sunk
him, but the fact is, I woodent endoor what the Senit uv the
United States hez hed to, for the past few years, for a dozen uv
Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I'm gettin more from Kentucky
now than I am really entitled to. I've a mortgage on two thirds
uv that State.”
Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered
the flood ez though they were sure uv goin through all right.
With an inimitable chuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperienced
devils, and sed, “Leave em to me,” and at Ben he hurled
a package uv the New York News, wich swashed him down
instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin to reach the other
-- --
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-- 241 --
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shore, he flung onto him an assortment uv weights, labelled
“Lotteries” and “Riots,” which took him down to the armpits,
and finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz
written “Mayoralty,” and down he went; at wich His Majesty
drew a sigh uv relief.
Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked unto
him, —
“This war hez bin a rather profitable thing for yoo.”
“Nothin to speak uv,” sed he. “The leaders uv the Southerners
were, sum uv em, honest, and got through on that
account, and the rank and file were ignorant wretches, who
ain't accountable, nohow. The leading Copperheads uv the
North were mine, anyhow, from the beginning. Any man who
cood sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must, yoo
will acknowledge, hev hed a long career uv iniquity to fit em
for sich a sin. Why,” sed he, “do yoo think I use all the shot
I hev? Not any. Them yoo've seen piled on were used
because, bein the last, they were on the top uv the pile.
“Any quantity uv yoor party escaped me. Them fellows
who are yet votin for Jackson I'll never git, and the most uv
them ez alluz votes unscratched tickets will dodge me. Their
innocence protects em. It takes a modritly smart man to be
vishus enuff to come to me; he hez to hev sense enuff to distinguish
between good and evil, cussednis enuff to deliberately
choose the latter, and brains enuff to do suthin startlin in that
line. Dan Voorhees, uv Injeany, hez all these qualities developed
to a degree wich excites my profound respect. Between
him and Fernandy Wood it's nip and tuck. Fernandy did
wicked things with more neatnis than Voorhees, but for a actual
love uv doin em Voorhees beets the world. I sed,” continued
he, “that the war wuzn't uv much yoose to me. I repeat it;
it wuz a damage. Afore the war, I hed my own way, pretty
much, in the Southern States. For every octoroon, I cood
count on at least two planters, and under the patriarkle system
uv Afrikin slavery (wich, by the way, wuz wun uv my most
brilliant consepshuns), octooroons multiplied with a rapidity
pleasin to behold. But now, alas! the octooroon bizniss is
done, and my best holt is gone. I hev some little hope, however.
The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger I didn't think they
-- 242 --
[figure description] Page 242.[end figure description]
possest. Ef they kin only git strength enuff to elect the next
President and re-establish slavery! The thought fills me with
unutterable joy. The redoosin of the nigger to bondage agin
wood give me a clean title to evry last one who helped to do it,
and in gittin em back into their normal condishun (by the way,
that's another phrase uv mine), ther'd be enuff slaughterin and
murders to satisfy several sich Satans ez I am. I'd help em
ef I knowd how, but I can't improve on either their speekers
or writers, and ez long ez men will do my work gratis, I don't
see the yoose uv interferin.”
At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to push me
into the stream, and in the struggle I awoke. My dreem wuz
o'er, but the impreshun remained. “Kin it be,” mused I, pensively,
“that we are doin the devil's work, and are we to be
finally rewarded in the manner I saw in my vision? Ef so,
hedn't I better quit and repent?”
But I thought agin, that however it mite be for younger
men, it wood be uv no yoose for me. I hed voted the strait
ticket for thirty years, and the ten or twelve years I hed to
live wuz too short a time in which to repent successfully uv
sich iniquity. So I sank into sleep agin, this time dreemin
that I had turned Fenian — hed elected myself Hed Centre
for the Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin $75,000 in a
magnificent plantashun.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 243 -- p635-266
XCV. THE SITUATION. — THE DEMOCRACY WARNED.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
February 15, 1866.
[figure description] Page 243.[end figure description]
*I hev hed hopes uv Androo Johnson. My waitin sole hez
bin centred onto him for a year back. He wuz the Moses wich
I spected wood lead the Democrisy out uv the desolate Egypt
into which we hev bin making bricks without straw for five
long weary and dreary years. O, how I hev yearned for Johnson!
O, how I hev waited, day after day, and week after
week, and month after month, for some manifestation uv Dimocrisy
wich is satisfactory — suthin tangible — suthin that I
cood take hold on.
Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the evidence
of things not seen; wich is all right so fur ez religion is concerned,
but uv no account in politix. A friend uv mine, who
wuz a monomaniac on the subjick uv faith, undertook to live
on it, under the insane belief that ef a man had faith, pork
wuz unnecessary. Wuz the experiment a success? Not
any. When he commenst the trial he weighed 200; in a
week he wuz down to 125; and in fourteen days he slept in
the valley!
I hev been livin on faith for a year or more, and I too am
thin. My bones show; light shines through me; I am faint
and sick. O, for suthin that I can see and feel — suthin
solid!
Our Dimocratic newspapers are supportin Androo Johnson.
They claim that his policy is our policy; that he is ourn, and
we are hizn. They are singin hosanners to him. At his every
act they exclaim Halleloogy! in chorus. What is it all about?
In what partikeler hez Androo Johnson showed hisself to be a
-- 244 --
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Dimokrat? In the name uv Dimocrisy let me ask, “Where is
the offices?” Who's got em? What is the politikle convicshuns
uv the wretch who is post master at the Corners, and
who only last nite refused, in the most heartless manner, to
trust me for postage stamps? Who is the Collectors, the Assessors,
et settry? Are they constitooshnel Dimokrats? Is
Stanton, and Seward, and Welles histed out uv the cabinet, and
Vallandigum, and Brite, and Wood appinted in their places?
Not onct. Every post master, every collector, every assessor,
every officer, is a Ablishinist, dyed deeply and in fast colors.
Faith without works is a weak institution; its like a whisky
punch with the whisky omitted, wich is a disgustin mixter uv
warm water and sugar. What is it to me (who hev bin ready
to accept any position uv wich the salary wuz sufficient to
maintain a individooal uv simple habits) who is beheaded, so
ez I don't get a place? Androo Johnson may cut off offishl
heads ez dexterously and profoosely ez he chooses; but my
sole refuses to thrill when I know that Ablishnists, though uv
a different stripe, will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are
kept out, what care I who hez the places? Paul may plant
and Apollus water; but uv what account is the plantin and
waterin to me ef I don't get the increase? I take no delight
in sich spectacles. Ef Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimocrat, —
ef he desires the honest, hearty support uv the party,—
let him seel his faith with works.
I visited Washington with the express purpose uv seein the
second Jackson. I am a frank man, and I laid the matter afore
him without hesitation. I told him that the Postmaster at the
Corners wuz opposin his policy and aboosin him continually;
that it wuz a outrage that men holdin place under the Administration
should not sustain the Administration. In the name
uv Right, I demanded a change.
I sposed that to-wunst the position would be offered to me;
and that after protestin a sufficient time that I did not wish it,
and would prefer the appintment of some more worthy man, I
should accept it, and go home provided for three years. Imagine
my deep, my unutterable disgust, when he told me that
he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood make a
change, provided he could find, in the vicinity, some original
Union man who would accept the place.
-- 245 --
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Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that in him we
had no lot nor part.
Our principles are uv a very comprehensive nature. We
are willin to endorse Androo Johnson, or any other man. We
will endorse his theories uv Reconstruction, or any man's theories.
We are elastic, like Injy rubber. The boy who set a
hen on a hundred eggs acknowledged to his maternal parent
that she could not kiver em; but he remarked he wanted to
see the old thing spred herself. We have that spreadin capacity.
We kin accommodate the prejudices uv the people uv all
the various localities. In Connecticut we are singin John
Brown's body lies a mouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud
tone, and supporting a Ablishnist who voted for doin away with
slavery in the District of Columby and for the Constooshnel
Amendment. In Kentucky we are hangin men uv the John
Brown style, and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv the Connecticut
nominee. Sich a variety uv principle, — a party uv sich
adaptibility, — kin hev but one great central idee, on wich
there is no diversity uv opinion, and to which all other ideas is
subordinate. That idea is Post Office! and ef Androo Johnson
could be got rite on that question, we'd care not wat else
he required uv us.
We hev our arms around Androo. We are huggin him to
our buzzums; but he hez left his baggage to hum. That baggage
is wat we want; and we shel fling him off shortly, onless
he changes his policy in this respeck. He kin hev us on easy
terms; but he must furnish the ammunishun with which to
fight his battles. Will he do it? That's the question a hundred
thousand hungry soles, who hanker even ez I do, are daily
askin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n42* The Democratic leaders were in great doubt in 1866 as to the policy of adopting
President Johnson, and President Johnson was for a time in doubt as to
the propriety of adopting the Democracy. The President wanted the Democracy,
but he also desired to retain in his party the “conservative” Republicans,
and therefore at the beginning of his trouble his appointments were all made
from the latter class, much to the disgust of the former.
-- 246 -- p635-269
XCVI. THE PRESIDENT'S 22D OF FEBRUARY SPEECH.
Washington, February 23, 1866.
[figure description] Page 246.[end figure description]
*I don't know; but there is a still small voice within me
wich whispers, “All is well!” The delusive phantom, Hope,
may be playin false with me. The wish may be paternal parient
to the thought, and I may be indulgin in a dream from wich I
shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened; but it's my opinion that
the day-star uv glory hez ariz onto the Dimocracy; that our
night uv gloom is over; and that, at last, the Government, or
at least the only part we care about, — the offisis, — is ourn. I
heerd Androo Johnson speak last nite! I stood beside him! I
helpt hold him up! I smelt his breath. It's all rite!
I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied assortment
uv Ablishn abominashens, — the Freedmen's Burow bill, — notwithstandin
there were pints in his message I coodent sanction.
The veto wuz heavenly, but his reasons were unsound. When
he expressed hisself ez bein determined upon sekoorin the niggers
in their rites, I felt fearful that there wuz a honest difference
uv opinion atween him and Congress wich mite be settled,
and then what wood become uv us? Ef the niggers is to hev
rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked myself, what difference
does it make to us whether they hev em by Charles Sumner's
system (on whose head rest cusses!), or A. Johnson's! And
ez is customary when men ask theirselves questions, I got no
answer. Men never ask theirselves questions wich kin be
answered.
But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little Sam Cox, and
Dan Voorhees, and the Woods, and me, hed bin with Androo
all day. The Ablishnists avoided him after the veto; and
knowin he'd done suthin he wuzn't quite shoor wuz wise, he
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needed bracin up, and we wuz ready to brace him. Isn't it
singular that men, when they go to the devil, alluz go in
squads? Cox hed him cornered all day, a readin to him extrax
from Forney's Press, and choice selections from Sumner's
speeches; and Voorhees and the others wuz a intimatin to him
that only in the buzzum uv the Dimocrisy cood he find that
congeniality uv sperit so nessary to him; and by the time the
serenade wuz ready, he wuz ez full uv venom ez wuz possible,
and his capacity in that line is immense.
The company all went with him onto the stand, and my eyes
saw the first cheerin vision wich they hev beheld for years.
Before us stood ten thousand or more Dimocrats. There wuz
the veteran from Lee's army in his soot uv gray, which hed, by
continued contact with the pavements uv Washington — wich,
not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookannon's time, they
don't sweep — become somewhat uv the color uv the clay.
There wuz the offiser who surrendered with Johnston, and
them noble sons uv Baltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston, who,
though they didn't serve their section in the field, were ardent
in their support uv the cause. There were the old-style
Dimocrats uv the North, whose faith in Johnson's Dimocrisy,
based upon the scene wich took place at the inauguration,
wuz greater than mine, hed come on with their applications
for Post Offises, and who jined so heartily in the cheers wich
went up for J. Davis: and there, addressin this crowd, wuz a
President — the man who had the appintin power in his hands—
who cood make and unmake Post Masters!
It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go through
with it? Wood he lock horns with Wade and Sumner, and
dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens? Wood he? He wavered and
shrunk back ez he saw the style uv the awdience before him;
for he hed bin, for four years, accustomed to better dressed
people. But Cox wuz ekal to the emergency. Samyooel
whispered into his ear, “Charles the I.!”* and flamin up like
a conflagratid oil well, he waded in. Then I felt that it wuz all
right. Then my soul expanded; and ez he went on, pilin
-- 248 --
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Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usin Tennessee stump slang, improved
by a liberal mixture uv the more desprit variety he
hed picked up in Washington and Baltimore, I felt that it wuz
indeed well with us. He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dimokrats;
and it wuz appreciated. Strippin off all the disguise
he hed bin a wearin for four years, — washin off, in rage and
whisky, the varnish and putty with wich he hed shined up his
dullness, and filled up the cracks and cavities wich hed alluz
troubled him, — he stood forth ez we knowd him — Androo
Johnson! How he did froth and foam! How he did lash his
late associates! and how those Dimokrats who came to Washinton
with petitions for places in their pockets did wink at each
other, and poke each other in the ribs, with exultation and
jocularity wich they cood not conceal! And how the Ablishnists,
wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in the hope
that he wood declare himself in sich a way ez to give em some
hope, did walk away sorrowful and sore, ez tho they felt that
they hed a new trouble afore em! And how the soljers uv
Lee, and the quartermasters wich hed made Richmond their
headquarters doorin the war, did cheer and sling their hats
into the air, and in the uncontrollable enthoosiasm uv the
moment invariably snatch better ones from the heads uv the
Northern men in the crowd! It wuz gorjus.
While His Eggslency's course gives me hope, I don't want it
to be understood that I am prepared to fully and entirely
indorse him. I don't go much on men who do things in a state
uv madnis; neither do I invest heavy in that Dimokrat wich
requires an extra load uv likker to make him act and talk like
a Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimokrat — a
ginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his learnin to read, in
his yooth, gave him a preëminence over us in Tennessee, and
put him through the various places he hez filled. His affinities
wuz with us; his style wuz our style, and his habits our habits;
and he hed no biznis to ever git out uv the fold. I cannot
forget that he went back on us at a critikle time in the history
uv the party. He saw that the effort the Dimocrisy uv the
South wus makin to regain their rites wood be a failure; the
aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and refoozed to
recognize him; but all this shood not hev affected him. It's
-- 249 --
[figure description] Page 249.[end figure description]
the normal condishn uv the lower grade uv Dimokrats to be
snubbed; and they hev no rite to inquire whether anything
the aristocracy uv the party propose is goin to be a failure or
not. It's their dooty to obey orders without questioning.
Wat spiled Johnson wuz Massachoosits. He pretended to be
loyal, and Massachoosits patted him on the back. They took
him into good society. They let him associate with Sumner
and sich, and the man became infatuated. He got to drinkin
high priced drinks, and wearin clean shirts, and begun to ape
the manners uv those into whose sphere he hed bin thrown.
There wuz these two opposin forces contendin within him —
nateral proclivities and acquired tastes — wich may be represented
by whiskey out uv a jug, and mint juleps at Willard's.
Massachoosits wuz a pullin him up, and North Carolina wuz
pullin him down. He wantid to stay with Massachoosits, but
he wuz uncomfortable all the time; and finally nacher asserted
her supremacy, and he broke over, and like the water long confined
in a dam, when it's bustid its obstructions, and goes, it
goes with a looseness, and tears up, and takes a very large
quantity uv dirt and drift wood with it.
Before I tie myself to A. J., I want to know for certin what
he proposes to do. Who is to hev the Post Offisis? Is
Ablishnists to still retain the places uv trust and profit? Does
he propose to organize a new party, made up uv sich Republikins
ez he can indoose to foller him and the Dimocrisy? Ef
so, I ain't in. Decidedly, I ain't in. Emphatically, count me
out. For the reason, that he kin git jist enuff Republikins,
precisely, and no more, to fill the offisis, and they will be uv
sich a character ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I won't
be tail to no kite. We are willin to play kite; but tail, never!
Ef we boost Androo Johnson, Androo Johnson must boost us.
Does he think we kin carry sich a load ez he is for nothin?
Nary. Ef we hev a consoomin desire to git along without
offisis, we are doin very well at that now, we thank yoo; and
we heven't the responsibility uv the Administration uv a exstremely
shaky man to carry. Sich loads must be paid for.
But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself loose from
Sumner and Stevens; and in less than a week every Republikin
uv modrit sensibilities will be aboozin uv him to that
-- 250 -- p635-273
[figure description] Page 250.[end figure description]
extent that he won't be able to git back agin. He's a animal
uv the bull kind; and criticism and opposition is to him the
red flag wich the Spanish matadors wave afore the animals
they wish to infooriate, and they may drive him into our
ranks.
I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git a commission,
with the broad seel uv the Postmaster General onto it,
confirmin me in the possession uv the post orfis at the Corners,
I shel bless the day that Androo Johnson left us, and prokoored
his elevation to the Presidency. May the day be hastened!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n43* The famous, or rather infamous, speech of the 22d of February, 1866, settled
the status of President Johnson, and indicated clearly his purpose of turning
his back upon the loyal men of the country. He continued, however, to
appoint Republicans to office, and refused to commit himself specifically to the
Democracy. The real Republicans abandoned him from that moment.
eaf635n44* Mr. Sumner, in a speech, spoke of President Johnson as the American
“Charles I.”
XCVII. THE PRESIDENT IMPLORED TO SHOW HIS HAND.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
February 29, 1866.
*I notice, all over the North, the Democrisy is a firin guns,
and marchin after brass bands, and hirin halls for endorsin
Androo Johnson. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I protest!
In the name uv suffrin Kentucky, uv wich State I am a adopted
citizen, I protest! In the name uv common sense and ordnary
politikle sagacity, I protest!
Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road to Dimocrisy;
but, ez yet, what ashoorence hev we? Am I datin my
letters from “Post Orfis, Confedrit × Roads?” Hez there
bin, as yit, any well authenticated case uv the removal uv a
Ablishnist, and the apintment uv a constooshnel Democrat in
his stead? Not that I hev heard of. Per contra, the Ablishnists—
them ez wuz appinted by Linkin — are still holdin on,
-- 251 --
[figure description] Page 251.[end figure description]
ez calm ez a summer mornin, without any apparent fear uv any
change affectin them.
Who pays for the Halls? Who pays the music? Who pays
the Powder? Dimocrats who do these scent Post Offises in
the distance. Are they like the war hoss in Job's writins, who
smelled the battle afar off, and remarked Ha, Ha! to the trumpets?
Let me entreat sich that they kin make a better investment
uv their means. The cost uv one meetin, put in korn
whisky, wood not only solace theirselves, but start half a dozen
Ablishnists on the road to Dimocrisy.
Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo Johnson myself,
and principally becoz Vallandigum and Fernandy Wood hev
hopes. Them buzzards kin smell carrion a long distance, and
they are seldom at fault. In this case, they may be. They
base their hopes on Johnson's speech, at Washington, on the
22d. There may be suthin in it; but ain't it possible that the
stench wich they took for Dimocrisy, and wich they sposed
cum from Johnson, ariz from them ez surrounded him?
“But,” sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long continued lack
of supplies, hez softened down from a generous crimson to a
ghastly bloo, and who woodent hev a small post orfis at no
price, ef it wuznt offered him, “look at the class he spoke to.”
Wat noncence! Androo wuz mad. There wuz a mass uv
bile on his politikle stumick wich must be got rid uv. He had
sum nasty things to say, and it wuz a part uv the eternal fitness
uv things that he shood hev a nasty audience to say
em to.
I don't propose to go orf into spasms over the present situashun.
Johnson proposes to continue the Freedmen's Buro, and
hezn't no noshen of repealin the test oath, or uv drawin the
military out uv the Dimocratik States. So far as heard from,
we uv the South is still in a stait of abject cussitood. Our
habis corpuses wich Linkin took away from us heven't bin returned,
and we are obleeged to git along ez best we kin without
em. I knocked down a small nigger yisterday, for the
purpus uv assertin the sooperiority uv the Caucashun race
over the Afrikin, and wuz to-wunst hauled up afore a Freedmen's
Buro, and fined. Our high-toned and chivalrous members
are exclooded from Congris on the frivolus plea that they
-- 252 --
[figure description] Page 252.[end figure description]
wuz kernels and briggydeer Ginerals in the Confederit servis;
and all these outrages agin Dimocrisy Androo Johnson, by permittin,
absolootly approves.
I could probably swaller all these things. I am a Dimokrat
uv thirty years standin, and, uv course, hev bin on both sides
uv every politikle fence. The seat of my politikle pants is
full uv slivers. But. before I take down these things, I
WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GIT FOR
IT. Ef Androo Johnson goes back on his party and his
pledges, he, uv course, asks us to go back on ourn. In sich
transactions, where both parties, by bein engaged in it at all,
confess themselves ruther a low grade of scoundrels, I think it
well enuff to hev the consideration paid down.
Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the terms. I am
his to command, for a consideration; ez much so ez is the
thousands uv Demokrats who hev bin, for the past week, gittin
up demonstrations. But I want suthin to go on. When I hev
his permission, under the broad seel uv the Post Orfis Department,
to write “P. M.” after my illustrious name, I shell be
prepared to wade in. I hev bin huntin up several reasons for
supportin him. I hev em all ready. I only want this additional
one, and then I fling my banner to the breeze. Faith is
sed to be the sun of all religious systems. Post Offis is the
central figger in all Democratic creeds — the theme uv conversation
by day, and the staple uv dreems by night. How long!
oh, how long!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n45* Democratic politicians organized meetings in all the Northern States, in approval
of the President's speech, and the policy it foreshadowed, all of which
were engineered by men who yearned for the comfortable offices occupied by
their political enemies. The majority of them got their reward subsequently.
-- 253 -- p635-276
XCVIII. THE PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM. — AN AFFECTING APPEAL IN BEHALF OF A FRIEND.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
March 19, 1866.
[figure description] Page 253.[end figure description]
Yesterday I happened to pick up a copy uv a friteful depraved
Ablishin paper, and my horror-stricken eyes wuz glued
to the follerin passage, which I read: —
“I am happy to state to you that our free negroes are doing
finely. We have no trouble with them. They have all gone
to work manfully. They give an impetus to trade that we
never before had. I have sold John Guttle's negroes, this year
and last, more goods than I ever sold Guttle, and he owned
two hundred and fifty slaves. So you see the free negro system
is working well with us.”
Ez I peroozed them lines, tears started involuntarily from
my beamin eyes, and coursed in torrents down my venerable
cheeks. I know John Guttle well, I may say intimately. He
wuz a dear friend, — one uv the few wich I call friend in the
most comprehensive sense uv the word. He holds my note
for eighteen dollars and 63 cents; and I hev sumwhere among
my papers, wich I have always carefully preserved for reference,
a memorandum uv his address, that I might be shoor not
to forget to send it to him. I give him the note becoz he furnished
the paper, and it made him easy in his mind — I put
down the memorandum becoz it looked business-like. Benevolence
is a prominent trait in my character. When givin my
note for borrered money will do a man good, I never begrudge
the trouble uv writin it.
But wat I wuz a goin to say wuz, that the feendishnis uv
that item passes belief. The writer puts it in print to show
that the Ablishn uv slavery benefitted sumbody. I grant him
that the merchant, who undoubtedly wuz born in Massachoosetts,
wuz benefitted by the change; so are the greasy mechanics
who are now pollutin the soil uv Alabama; and so, probably,
are the 250 niggers; but, in the name uv Liberty, in the name
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uv Justice, in the name uv the Constitooshun uv the United
States, and the flag uv our Common Country, I ask, How about
John Guttle?
John Guttle is robbed. John Guttle is deprived uv his
property. The bread is taken from John Guttle's mouth; his
staff is broken; his dependence is gone; he is bereft.
Never shall I forget John Guttle or his hospitable mansion,
ez I knowed it in the happy years afore the crooel war. He
wuz a gentleman uv the old school — one uv the few left us
in these degenerate days. His home wuz wun uv unalloyed
happiness. Situated just back uv Mobeel, he had the finest
plantashun in that section, and hed on it 250 niggers. All
shades wuz represented. There wuz the coal-black Cuffee,
whose feechers denoted the pure Afrikin, and whose awkward
manners showed that he wuz not long from Afrika. There
wuz the civilized mulatto, in whose veins the Guttle blood
showed; the quadroon, in whom the good old Guttle blood
predominated; and the octoroon, which wuz mostly Guttle.
The Guttleses wuz eminently a Christian generation. They
wuz devoutly pious; and there never wuz one uv the name
who cood not repeat, without the book, all uv the texts bearin
on slavery. The passages in which Onesimus and Hager figger
wuz favorites with em; but on “cussid be Canaan” they wuz
strong. For generations they had mourned over the hard fate
uv the sons uv Ham, doomed to perpetual bondage becoz uv
the sin uv their father; and with a missionary spirit ekaled by
few and excelled by none, they did their part towards redoosin
that cuss, by makin ez many of em ez possible half-brothers to
the more favored race uv Japhet, and thus bringing uv em out
uv the cuss; and they hed mellered the color uv their charges
down from the hideous black to a bright yeller. Under the
old patriarkle system, time passed off smoothly and pleasantly
with the Guttle family. Them 250 niggers wuz obliged, uv
course, to work, and their labor wuz money. John bought
each uv the male sons uv Ham two soots uv clothes per annum,
and each uv the female sons uv Ham one soot. It wuz considered
healthy for the young ones to go naked, which they
wuz religiously allowed to do, ez none uv the Guttles uv that
family wood do any thing agin nater or her laws. The girls
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[figure description] Page 255.[end figure description]
hed pianos, and wuz educated at the North; the boys wuz
celebrated for horse racing and their skill at losin money at
faro. They wuz hospitable and generous to a fault. Their
house wuz open house, and their beverages wuz alluz the best.
Money wuz no objick to them; for when they had a severe
attack of poker, or faro, or hoss racin, they hed plenty uv
octoroons and quadroons, with the real Guttle nose, wich brand
wuz well known in Noo Orleans, and wood alluz command the
highest possible figger that wuz paid in that market; or, ef
they had no more than they wanted at home uv that style, why,
a few field hands wood be sold, and the remainin ones wood be
persuaded by the overseer to do the work uv the whole. John
Guttle's sons wuz all in the Confederit army. His daughters,
willin to sacrifice every thing fur the cause, heroically pledged
theirselves to whip the niggers theirselves doorin their absence.
Now all is changed! A shadder hez fallen across that peaceful
home. The nigger quarters is there, but the niggers is
not. The broad plantashun is divided up into small farms, and
half uv it is owned by Ablishnists from the North, who work
theirselves, and who hev a meetin house on one corner uv it,
and the niggers a school house on the tother. The race track
is plowed up and in cotton; the whippin-post and the stocks is
taken down and burned; all, all the evidences uv civilizashun
hez faded afore the ruthless hand uv the invader. John Guttle—
that generous old man — subsists by the labor uv his own
hands. One uv his sons ekes out a miserable existence running
a dray in Mobeel; another, who is gifted with no ordinary
intelleck, earns a respectable living playing seven-up, in a small
way, with his former niggers; and the two girls is runnin a
sewing masheen.
Talk not to me uv benefits. What is a dozen tradesmen and
two hundred and fifty niggers to the glorious old Dimocratic
John Guttle? What is the interest uv a dozen or so uv Noo
England mechanics, and the niggers aforesaid, when compared
to that glorious aristocracy which can never exist beside em?
Kin I go and borrer eighteen dollars and sixty-three cents uv
one uv them? No. Becoz, working for their paltry livins,
they place a higher value on money, and will not spread it
around ez profoosely ez the noble race which preceded em.
-- 256 -- p635-279
[figure description] Page 256.[end figure description]
Another great wrong is done in this setting free uv John
Guttle's niggers. John Guttle hez, uv course, no further
interest in the Dimocratic party. Slavery wuz the umbillikle
cord which united the Southern slaveholder and the Northern
Dimocrat; and, that cord cut, why hez John Guttle any more
interest in Dimocracy? We stood ez a Chinese wall between
them and the rushin flood uv Ablishn fanaticism; and we made
the wall biznis pay. They furnished money, and we did the
work; and, there bein but few uv us, the orfisis wuz easily
divided. Alas! our occupashin's gone. The South is forever
lost to us; for she hez no dirty work for us to do.
I appeal to the United States uv America. In behalf uv
John Guttle, I say, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv
the Dimocrisy North, who are out uv employment, give him
back his niggers. In behalf uv his son who is runnin a dray,
give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his daughters runnin
a sewin machine, give him back his niggers. Make things
Normal agin. Like John the Baptist, the Guvernment shall
hear the voice uv one howlin in the wilderness until all these
is done.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
XCIX. A DREAM. — THE CORPSE OF REPUBLICANISM.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
March 30th, 1866.
I hev bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster at the
Corners hed become to me a nitemare. Day after day I seed
him a handlin guvment money, drawin his salary promptly, and
takin his drinks regerly, while I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat, a
supporter uv our great and good President, wuz forced to the
humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz treated, ceptin when a new
grocery keeper cum in, which gave me a chance to establish a
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[figure description] Page 257.[end figure description]
credit for a short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and
therefore I went to Washinton.
Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins, holdin
my views ez to consiliashen and sich, I hed no call to go to the
Postmaster-General, who is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the
Second Jaxson hisself. I succeeded in gettin a audience late
in the afternoon. Our patron saint wuz a sittin at a table,
exsausted with receevin delegashens and sich.
“Well,” sed he.
“Honerd and spected sir,” said I, “I am a applicant for the
post orfis at Confedrit × Roads, wich is at present held by a
Ablishnist who does not beleeve in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve
in solemnly. Spected and honered sir,” sed I, “ef I shood
have twins born to me this nite, I shood name em both Policy.”
“Wich State are yoo from?” sed he, half asleep.
“From Kentucky, honered and spected sir,” sed I.
“Well,” sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a clerk,
“Fill out a pardon, and give him a commission!”
“Honered and spected sir,” sed I, in a fit uv loonacy for
wich I can't account, “I don't need a pardon. I wuz never in
the late lamented Confedrit servis.”
“What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin a post offis?
Git out, yoo imposter!” and I wuz to-wunst ignominiously
showed to the door. I didn't quite understand the lay uv the
land around the White House.
In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince him I did
ez much for the Confederacy ez my humble abilities permitted,
and that I needed consiliatin ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart
broke and dead broke, not hevin the wherewith to prokoor more
sootable lodgin, I lay me down on the cold stun steps, and
sought refuge from my troubles in sleep.
I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room in the White
House. Stretched out on one side uv the room wuz the
corpse uv a giant, a monster in size and strength, but withal
uv pleasin presence, and fair to look upon. Onto its head wuz
a liberty cap, and by its side wuz a sword, considerably dinted,
and with all the gildin knocked off.
“Wat is these?” sed I, pointin to the corpse, askin a sort uv
a attendant.
-- 258 --
[figure description] Page 258.[end figure description]
“Them,” replied he, “is the defunct carcass uv Republikinism.
He wuz a hefty yooth in his day, but he died this
mornin. Look! the mourners are a comin to divide his
clothes.”
And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz the second
Jaxson, which the Ablishnists derisively call Moses, who appeared
to be angry, and clost behind him wuz Seward, a
weepin out uv one eye, and a smilin out uv tother, and Jim
Lane, who hed a handkercher wich he occasionally put to his
eyes, but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle,
and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard, and Cowan, and
Stephens, and Thurlow Weed, and Vallandigham, and Governor
Sharkey, and a host uv others, all uv wich ranged theirselves
around the bier.
“He wuz a promisin yooth,” sed Seward, a puttin his handkercher
to his eyes, “but the atmosphere uv the White House
wuz too much for him. I insist, however,” sed he, a pocketin
the handkercher, and takin hold uv a trinket the corpse held in
his hand, labelled, “Presidency, 1868,” from wich hung more'n
a million uv smaller trinkets, “that ez 'twas me that pizened
him, this is mine.”
“Nary,” sed Johnson; “I did the bizness for him, and it's
mine.”
“Settle it ez yoo please,” sed Raymond, gently, “but whoever
gits it must remember that this Secretaryship is mine.”
“And I,” sed Doolittle, “must hev, for my assistance, this
little affair marked `St. James,' for my seat in the Senate is a
goner.”
“For my part,” sed Jim Lane, “the Western appointment is
mine. It's worth em all to wear this collar.”
“My friends,” sed Stephens, “I find no amnesty about the
corpse. There must be one manufactured and stuck in his
pocket, to be prodoost at the funeral.”
Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a sardonic
smile, knowin perfectly well that whoever took the plunder,
he'd control it, any way.
Governor Sharkey laid claim to a Secretaryship, and Boregard
to the place uv Sherman, and Lee to Grant's position,
and Vallandigham wanted this, and tother feller that, and there
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[figure description] Page 259.[end figure description]
wuz a terrible hubbub over the corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost
came in, and wanted to know what he wuz to hev in the new
deal, “for,” sed he, “ef't hadn't bin for me, where'd yoo all
hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere killin him!
I'm sure the shadder uv the buildin blasted what little uv his
spirit yoo hed,” sed he, a turnin to Seward, “but ef Linkin hed
lived, ha, ha!” sed he, in a tragedy voice. Then in trooped
a lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill Allen, uv Ohio, and
Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems Bookannan, uv
Pennsylvania, and Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, who
started to make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck
their fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first
time in his life and desisted.
Finally Johnson swore “by the eternal” (he got that noshun
from the first A. J., wich he thinks he resembles, coz his initials
is the same, and coz the original vetoed a bill wunst) that
he wood hev the Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he
snatched at it, and they tussled. The company stood by to see
it out, for it made but little difference to them wich got it.
In the skrimage Johnson happened to ram Seward up agin a
window on the north side uv the room and smashed it out.
Jest then a blast uv north wind poured into the room through
the aperture, and blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The
effect was electrikle. Life ran through his veins, his face
flushed, and the livid hue was changed to the ruddy glow uv
health. The dead wuz alive; the giant raised to his feet, and
looked around him, shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him
like insex. Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage
in Johnson's hand, he took him by the neck, and twistin it out
uv his hand, flung him gently through the winder. “I ain't
made up my mind who to give this to, but yoo bet it ain't
you,” sed he.
“Willyum,” sed he, turnin to Seward, “I'm surprised at yoo.
Wuz this bauble the price uv yoor honesty and yoor principle?
Go, Willyum! Ez for yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked;
yoo, Thurlow, put Raymond in yoor vest pocket, and quit the
presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the tender mercies uv
my friends in Kansas. Clear out the balance uv this rabble,
and send for my friends. I've bin pizened, and smothered, and
-- 260 -- p635-283
[figure description] Page 260.[end figure description]
stunk nigh to death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and
sprinkle chloride uv lime, and sich, all over it. Shut down them
Southern windows, and open those on the North, East, and
West sides. I want a snuff uv fresh air, for I —”
At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in the White
House, but on the steps thereof, cold and shiverin. In my
pocket wuz the papers wich didn't get me the post orfis I wuz
seekin, and in my mind wuz chaotic confusion. Wuz the
dream prophetic, or wuz it merely a vagary uv the mind, wich,
wen loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook, without
any restraint. Is the giant Republican actually dead, or is he
in a trance? Will it arise, and scatter them ez hez appinted
themselves administrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin
to divide the assets, or will he stay ded? Wood, O wood that
I knowed!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
C. A KENTUCKY TEA PARTY.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
April 1, 1866.
*Charles Sumner is not a very popular man in this section
uv Kentucky; on the contrary, quite reverse. He is known
here ez an Ablishnist; ez one who is a chief supporter uv that
hidjus sin — the infidelity, I may say, for a man may ez well
deny the whole Bible ez to cast discredit upon Onesimus,
Hagar, and Ham, onto wich the whole system uv Afrikin
slavery rests — the originator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef
that Slavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from the experience
uv the last five years, appears to be gainin ground in
the North. He is not, therefore, popular in this region.
-- 261 --
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Yisterday I attendid a tea party at Deekin Pogram's, to
wich the elite uv the Corners wuz present, incloodin an Illinoy
store-keeper uv the name uv Pollock, wich hed bin invited because
the Deekin hed, some three months ago, bought a bill uv
goods uv him on ninety days' time, and wantid an extension.
While at the table enjoyin the
“Cup wich cheers, but don't intoxicate very much,”
ez Dryden hez it (tho I bleeve, to keep off chills, in this country,
they mix three and a half parts uv whiskey to one uv tea),
the name uv Summer wuz mentioned.
Mrs. Pogram to-wunst remarked that she didn't want the
name uv that ojus creecher spoken at her table.
“Why?” sed I, gratified at the ebulition.
“I hate him!” sed she, spitefully.
“So do I,” replied I; “but what hev yoo agin him, aside
from his obnoxious political opinions?”
“Didn't he marry a nigger?” sed Mrs. P., triumphantly.
“Didn't he marry a nigger — a full-blooded nigger? and hezn't
he hed nineteen yaller children, every one uv wich he compelled,
agin their will, to marry full-blooded niggers? Didn't
he —?”
“Mrs. P.,” sed this Illinoy store-keeper, wich his name it
wuz Pollock, “do yoo object to miscegenation?”
“Missee — what?” replied she, struck all uv a heap at the
word.
“Miscegenation — amalgamation — marryin whites with niggers.”
“Do I?” retorted she; “ketch a son uv mine marryin a
nigger! They are another race; they'r beasts; and who'd
marry em but jist sich men ez Sumner and them other Ablishnists?”
“Then permit me to ask,” sed this Pollock, wich wuz bound
to kick up a muss, “ef ther's any race uv pure blood in this
section uv Kentucky wich is yaller?”
“No! uv course not,” sed Mrs. P.; “them yaller people is
mulatters — half nigger, half white.”
“And them ez is quite white — not quite, but nearly so —
-- 262 --
[figure description] Page 262.[end figure description]
about the color uv a new saddle, like Jane, there,” sed he, pintin
to a octoroon girl uv 18 wich used to belong to the Deekin afore
the isshooin uv the infernal proclamashen, “like Jane, there,
wich is waitin on the Deekin, and — but, good Lord!” sed he,
startin up like a tragedian.
“Wat!” shouted the company, all startin up.
“Nothin,” sed he: “only, now that Jane's face is in range
with the Deekin's, wat a wonderful resemblance! She hez the
Pogram nose and ginral outline uv face; not Mrs. P.'s angularity,
but the Deekin all over. My deer sir,” sed he, addressin
the Deekin, “ef she wuzn't a quadroon, I shood say she looks
enough like yoo to be yoor daughter, by a first wife, I shood
say, for she hez not, ez I remarked, Mrs. P.'s angularity and
gineral bonenis; but uv course, she bein a part nigger, the
resemblance may be sot down ez-a-very-remarkable-coincidence!”
The Deekin turned ez white ez a sheet, and Mrs. Pogram
turned ez red ez a biled lobster, from wich I inferred that there
wuz trooth in a rumor I had heard about the Deekin and his
wife hevin a misunderstandin about a nigger woman and her
baby, about 18 years ago, wich resulted in his bein made bald-headed
in less than a minute, and the baby's mother being sold
South. The Illinoy store-keeper, uv the name uv Pollock, resoomed: —
“I wuz about askin wat them niggers is, ez is nearly
white?”
“Why, they'r octoroons, or seven-eights white,” sed Mrs.
Pogram.
“And no Kentuckian ever marries a nigger?” inquired the
store-keeper, who I saw wuz pursooin his investigations altogether
too far.
“Never!” sed Mrs. Pogram; “we leave that to Ablishnists.”
“Well, then,” sed this Pollock, who, I spect, wuzn't half so
innsent ez he let on, “I see that yoo hev no objection to mixin
with the nigger, providin yoo don't do it legally; that amalgamashen
don't hurt nothin, pervidin yoo temper it with adultery.
Is that the idee, Mrs. Pogram?”
Mrs. P. wuz mad, and made no reply, and Pollock persood
the subjick.
-- 263 --
[figure description] Page 263.[end figure description]
“Jane there, is, I take it, about one eighth nigger. She got
her white blood from whites, uv course; and ez there coodent
be no marryin in the biznis, there is proof positive in her face
that the 8th commandment hez bin violated about four times
somewhere in this vicinity, or wherever her maternal ancestors,
on her mother's side, may hev resided. What do yoo think
about it, Deekin? Ez a Christian, woodent it be better to
marry em than to add a violation uv the commandment to
the sin uv amalgamashen? It wood redoose yoor load jest a
half.”
The Deekin wuz too indignant to reply, and ez it involved a
pint altogether too hefty for his limited intelleck, I took it up.
“My dear sir,” I remarked, “yoo don't make the proper distinction,
or, rather, yoo don't appreciate the subjick at all.
The nigger here sustains only one character with us, — that
uv a inferior bein, the slave uv the hawty Caucashen, uv whom
we are the noblest specimens; that is, the Deekin is, he bein a
Southerner. I unfortunately wuz born in the North, and am a
hawty Caucashen only by adoption. To marry a nigger wood
be to destroy our idea uv sooperiority, for we marry only our
ekals. The intercourse with em, the results uv wich yoo see
indications, bein outside uv the pale uv matrimony, is not, ez
yoo wood suppose, the result uv unbridled licentiousnis, but is
merely the assertion uv our superiority. When the lordly
Caucashen (uv whom the Deekin is wich) bids a daughter uv
Ham (wich, in the original Hebrew, signifies the hindquarter
uv a hog) come to him, and she doth it not, he breaks her head,
wich inculcates obedience. One is only a slave indeed when
he surrenders all his individual rites. The female slave cannot
be considered ez entirely subdooed until she hez yielded to her
owner everything. To marry em wood be to elevate em; the
intercourse common among us is not a sin, it bein merely the
assertion uv that superiority wich we claim is founded on the
Holy Scripter. See Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham.”
“Yes,” sed the Deekin, who wuz now on the right track;
“it's a assertion uv our sooperiority; it's a dooty every white
man owes to his class, and I, for one, will alluz —”
“Let me ketch yoo at it, Gabe Pogram,” shouted Mrs. P.,
“and I'll give yoo sich a cat-haulin ez yoo never — drat yoor
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[figure description] Page 264.[end figure description]
sooperiority, and yoor Ham, and yoor Caucashen. Niggers is
niggers, and —”
Noticin that Mrs. Pogram hedn't quite arrived at the proper
pitch uv self-sacrifice, I turned the discussion onto Sumner
agin, ez a subjick upon wich they cood all agree.
I learned that his father wuz a Dutch grocery-keeper, and his
mother an Irish washer-woman; that he run away from home
at the tender age uv eight, after murderin, in cold blood, his
grandparents, one uv wich wuz a Algerine and tother a
Chinese; that he wuz apprenticed to the shoemakin biznis, and
hed cut the throat uv his boss and his wife, and immersed the
younger children into a biler uv scaldin water, where they
were found mostly dead seven hours afterward; that he acquired
wealth a sellin lottry tickets and brass clocks, et settry.
His servants wuz redoost Southern gentlemen wich he hed
swindled into his debt, and wich, under the laws uv Massachoosits,
coodent git away, and that his intimate friends and
associates wuz niggers, with wich he sot long at the festive
board, and drunk champane; that Lucresha Mott wuz his sister,
Ann Dickinson his daughter, Fred Douglas his half brother,
and that he kissed, habitually, every nigger child he met, and
frowned so severely onto white children ez to throw em into
spasms, and other items uv information uv wich, livin in the
North, I wuz ignorant. Ez I remarked, he isn't popular down
here, and cood hardly be elected to Congris from this Deestrick.
The tea party broke up shortly after, Pollock winkin
at me villainously ez he left the house, feelin good to think
how he hed opened a old sore. That Pollock needs watchin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n46* The poor whites at the South were made to believe that Hannibal Hamlin
was a mulatto, and that Charles Summer married a negress. The opinion held
by this class of Mr. Sumner is fairly stated in the text.
-- 265 -- p635-288
CI. A PSALM OF GLADNESS. — VETO OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS BILL.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
April 7, 1866.
[figure description] Page 265.[end figure description]
*I am a canary, a nightengale. A lark, am I.
I raise my voice in song. I pour forth melojus notes.
I am a lamb, wich frisketh, and waggeth his tale, and leapeth,
ez he nippeth the tender grass. I am a colt, wich kicketh up
its heels exuberantly.
I am a bridegroom, wich cometh from his bride in the
mornin feelin releeved in the knowledge that she wore not
palpitators, nor false calves, nor nothin false, afore she wuz
hizn.
I am a steamboat captin with a full load, a doggry keeper on
a Saturday nite, a sportin man with four aces in his hand.
All these am I, and more.
For we sought to establish ourselves upon a rock, but found
that the underpinnin wuz gone out uv it.
Even slavery wuz our strong place, and our hope; but the
corners hed bin knocked out uv it.
The sons uv Belial hed gone forth agin it; Massachoosetts
hed assailed it, and the North West hed drawd its bow
agin it.
Wendell Phillips hed pecked out wun stun, Garret Smith
another; and the soldiers hed completed what they hed
begun.
And Congris, even the Rump, hed decreed its death, and
hed held forth its hand to Ethiopia.
It passed a bill givin the Niggers their rites, and takin away
from us our rites:
Sayin, that no more shel we sell em in the market place,
Or take their wives from em,
-- 266 --
[figure description] Page 266.[end figure description]
Or be father to their children,
Or make uv em conkebines aginst their will,
Or force em to toil without hire,
Or shoot em, ez we wuz wont to do under the old dispensashun,
Or make laws for em wich didn't bind us as well.
And our hearts wuz sad in our buzzums; for we said, Lo!
the nigger is our ekal; and we mourned ez them hevin no
hope.
But the President, even Androo, the choice uv Booth, said,
Nay.
And the bill wuz vetoed, and is no law; and our hearts is
made glad.
And from the Ohio to the Gulf shel go up the song uv gladness
and the sounds uv mirth.
The nigger will we slay, for he elevated his horn agin us.
We will make one law for him and another for us, and he
will sigh for the good old times when he wuz a slave in
earnest.
His wife shel be our conkebine, ef she is fair to look upon;
and ef he murmurs, we'll bust his head.
His daughters shel our sons possess; and their inkrease will
we sell, and live upon the price they bring.
In our fields they shel labor; but the price uv their toil shel
make us fat.
Sing, O my soul!
The nigger hed become sassy and impudent, and denied that
he wuz a servant unto his brethren.
He sheltered hisself behind the Freedman's Burow, and the
Civil Rights Bill, and the soldiery, and he wagged his lip at us,
and made mouths at us.
And we longed to git at him, but because of these we durst
not.
But now who shel succor him?
We will smite him hip and thigh, onless he consents to be
normal.
Our time uv rejoicin is come.
In Kentucky, the soldiers voted, — them ez wuz clothed in
gray, — and we routed the Abolishnists.
-- 267 -- p635-290
[figure description] Page 267.[end figure description]
Three great capchers hev we made: New Orleens we
capcherd, Kentucky we capcherd, and the President — him
who aforetime strayed from us — we capcherd.
Rejoice, O my soul! for yoor good time, wich wuz so long a
comin, is come.
We shel hev Post Offisis, and Collectorships, and Assessorships,
and Furrin Mishns, and Route Agencies, and sich; and
on the proceeds thereof will we eat, drink, and be merry.
The great rivers shel be whisky, the islands therein sugar,
the streams tributary lemon joose and bitters, and the faithful
shel drink.
Whisky shel be cheap; for we shel hold the offises, and kin
pay; and the heart uv the barkeeper shel be glad.
The Ablishnist shel hang his hed; and we will jeer him, and
flout him, and say unto him, “Go up, bald head!” and no bears
shel bite us; for, lo! the President is our rock, and in him
we abide.
Blessed be Booth, who give us Androo.
Blessed be the veto, wich makes the deed uv Booth uv sum
account to us.
Blessed be Moses, who is a leadin us out uv the wilderness,
into the Canaan flowin with milk and honey.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n47* The veto of the Civil Rights Bill, which bill secured the negro in his rights
and made him really a citizen, occasioned great rejoicing among the Democracy,
North and South.
CII. A CRY OF EXULTATION. — A GLEAM OF LIGHT.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
April 2, 1866.
*Kin it be? Is it troo, or is it not troo? Is Androo Johnson
all my fancy painted him, or is he still a heaven-defying persekooter
uv the Democratic Saints? That's wat I and some
-- 268 --
[figure description] Page 268.[end figure description]
thousands uv waitin souls wood go suthin handsome to know.
I confess I never quite lost faith in Androo. Pro-slavery
Democracy sticks to a man ez does the odor uv the gentle
skunk to clothes, and it is got rid uv only by the same means,
to-wit, buryin the victim thereof.
Androo started out to be a Moses, and he is one; but I think
he's changed his Israelites. I onst saw a woman skinnin live
eels, and I reproached her, sayin, “Woman, why skinnest
thou eels alive? Doth it not pain em?”
“Nary!” retorted she. “I've skinned em this way for going
on to twenty years, and they're used to it.”
Even so. The negroes hev bin in bondage so long that
they're used to it, and Androo feelin a call to continue in
the Moses bizniss, hez, I hope, turned his attention to the
Dimocrisy. It's US he's a-goin to lead up out uv the Egypt
uv wretchedness we've bin in for nearly five years; it's US
that's a-goin to quit brick making without straw, and go up
into the Canaan wich is runnin with the milk and honey uv
public patronage. We shel hev sum fites: there's Amakelitish
post masters and Phillistine collectors to displace, but with a
second Jaxon at our hed what can we fear?
I feel to-night like a young colt. To me it seems ez though
my venerable locks, wich hangs scantily about my temples,
hed grown black agin, and that my youth wuz returnin. Ef I
hed any notion uv sooicide, that idea is dismist. I'm young
agin. Wat hez worked this change? yoo ask. It's the proclamation
declarin the war at an end, and withdrawin from the
Dimocratic States the odious hirelins uv the tyrant Linkin, and
the doin away uv that terrible marshal law. That's wat's done
it for me. Now I feel like sayin, with one uv old, “Mine eyes
hev seed thy glory; let thy servant depart in peace.”
We hev bin dooly subjoogated some time, and a waitin for
this. We wantid it, and longed for it ez the hart does for the
water course, and considerably more, onless the hart wuz
thirsty in the extreme. For now we are in the Union agin;
we are under the shadder uv that glorious old flag wich
protects all men ceptin niggers and Ablishnists. The nigger
is left to be adjustid by us, who is to be governed by the laws
wich control labor and capital. Certainly he is — uv coarse.
-- 269 --
[figure description] Page 269.[end figure description]
I saw two uv my neighbors adjustin one last nite. They wuz
doin it with a paddle, wich wuz bored full uv holes. He didn't
seem to enjoy it ez much ez they did. By that proclamation
our states are agin under their own control. Let em go at
wunst to work to destroy all the vestiges uv the crooel war
through wich they hev past. There ain't no soldiers now to
interfere, for the policy uv keepin soldiers in and among free
people is abhorrent to freedom and humanity. Go to work at
wunst, and build up the broken walls uv your Zion.
We must hev Peace and unanimity; and Peace cannot dwell
among us onless there's a oneness uv purpose and sentiment.
To prokoor this is yoor fust dooty. If there be among you
them ez opposed yoo doorin yoor late struggle for Rites, hist
em. Their presence is irritatin, and kin not be tolerated.
Ablishnism is as abhorrent now as ever, and the sooner yoo are
rid uv it the better. It is safe to assume that every man who
opposed the lately deceased Confedracy is a Ablishnist.
The next step, and the most important, is to tear down the
nigger school-houses and churches wich hev bin built here
and there, and kindly take the nigger by the ear, and lead him
back to his old quarters, wich is his normal position. The
Yankee school teachers sent here by Freedmen's Aid Societies
shood properly be hung for spreadin dissatisfaction and spellin
books among the niggers, but I wood advise mercy and conciliation.
Tar and featherin, with whippins, will perhaps do ez
well, and will go to show the world that our justice is tempered
with charity; that we kin be generous ez well ez just. Yoor
Legislatures shood be instantly called together, and proper
laws for the government uv the Freedmen should be passed.
Slavery is abolisht, and the people must live up to the requirements
of the act in good faith. I protest agin any violation
uv good faith, but labor must be done, for the skripter commands
it, and our frail nature demands wat can't be got without
it. We don't like to do it, but shel skripter be violated? Not
at all. The nigger must do it hisself, not ez a slave, for slavery
is abolished, but ez a free man. Ethiopian citizens uv Amerikin
descent (wich is mulatters), and full-blooded blacks, and all
hevin in the veins a taint uv Afrikin blood, must be restrained
gently, and for their own good I suggest laws ez follows: —
-- 270 --
[figure description] Page 270.[end figure description]
1. They must never leave the plantation onto wich they are,
when this act goes into effect, without a pass from the employer,
under penalty uv bein shot.
2. They shel hev the privilege uv suein everybody uv their
own color, ef they kin give white bail for costs.
3. They shel hev the full privilege uv bein sued the same
ez white folks.
4. They shel be competent ez witnesses in cases in wich
they are not interested, but their testimony is to go for nothin
ef it is opposed by the testimony uv a white man or another
nigger.
5. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate outside
uv any incorporated city, town, or village.
6. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate
within any incorporated city, town, or village, except as hereinafter
provided for, to wit: — He shel give notice uv his desires
by publication for six consecutive weeks in some newspaper
uv general circulation in sed village, for wich publication he
shel pay invariably in advance. He shel then give bonds, in
sich sums ez the mayor shel decide, that neither he, nor any uv
his ancestors, or descendants, or relations, will ever become
public charges, and will always behave themselves with due
humility, the bondsmen to be white men and freeholders. Then
the mayor shel cause a election to be proclaimed, and if the
free white citizens shel vote “yea” unanimously, he shel be
allowed to buy or lease real estate. If there is a dissenting
vote, then he shel be put onto the chain gang for six months
for his impudence in makin sich a request.
7. Their wages shel be sich ez they and the employers shel
mutually agree; but that the negroes may not become luxurious
and effeminate, wich two things is vices wich goes to sap the
simplicity and strength uv a people, the sum shel never exceed
$5 per month, but not less than enuff in all cases to buy him
one soot uv clothes per annum, wich the employer shel purchase
hisself.
8. The master shel hev the privilege uv addin to this code
sich other rules and regulations for their proper government
ez may strike him ez being good for em from time to time.
These provisions secure the nigger in all the rites wich kin
-- 271 -- p635-294
[figure description] Page 271.[end figure description]
reasonably be asked for him, just elevated ez he is from slavery,
and thrown upon the world, ignorant of the duties of his new
position and status. He is simple, and needs the guidin hand
uv the stronger race.
My hart is too full to make further suggestions. Organized
into a tabloo, with the constitooshun in one hand (wich beloved
instrument kivers a great deal uv ground), a star-spangled
banner in the other, and a tramplin on a bloo coat wich I stript
off uv a returned nigger soldier wich wuz sick, I exultinly exclaim,
“The Union ez it is is ez good ez the Union ez it wuz.
'Ror!”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n48* The moment President Johnson proclaimed the war at an end, several of the
Southern States enacted laws for the government of the negro scarcely less
oppressive and absurd than those suggested by Mr. Nasby.
CIII. A WAIL OF ANGUISH. — THE PASSAGE OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS BILL OVER THE VETO.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
April 9, 1866.
*I am a kittle full of cusses.
Under me is a burnin fire uv rage, wich is bein continually
fed with the oil uv disappointment.
And I bile over.
The civil rites bill, wich our Moses put his foot onto, we
thought wuz dead.
And we fired great guns, and hung out our flags, wich we
laid aside in 1860, and made a joyful noise.
For we said, one unto another, Lo! he is a true Moses, inasmuch
ez he is a leadin us out uv the wilderness.
-- 272 --
[figure description] Page 272.[end figure description]
The civil rites bill wuz the serpent wat bit us, and he histed
it, that we might look and live.
Now let us be joyful!
For the Ethiopian is delivered into our hands, bound hand
and foot.
Blessed be Moses!
We will make him grind our corn; but he shel not eat
thereof.
Blessed be Moses!
We will make him tread out our wheat; but we will muzzle
his mouth.
Blessed be Moses!
He shall pick our cotton; but the hire he receiveth, he shall
stick in his eye without injuring the sight thereof.
Blessed be Moses!
He shall toil in the sugar mill; but the sugar shall he not
sell.
Blessed be Moses!
His sweat shall nourish our corn; but he shall eat nary ear
thereof.
Blessed be Moses!
We will burn his school houses, and destroy his spellin
books (for shall the nigger be our superior?), and who shall
stay our hand?
The school teachers we will tar and feather, and whar is the
bloo-coated hirelins to make us afeerd?
Blessed be Moses!
We looked at the nigger, and said, Ha, ha! the last state uv
that chattle is wuss nor the fust; for before, we hed his labor
while he wuz strong and healthy, but hed to take care on him
when he wuz sick and old; and now we kin git his labor without
the care.
Blessed be Moses!
The Ablishnists cast out one devil, and garnished the room;
but there wuz seven devils more stronger and hungrier, which
rushed in and pre-empted the premises.
Blessed be Moses!
But our song uv joy wuz turned into a wale uv anguish.
Moses sought to hist the serpent, but the serpent histed him.
-- 273 --
[figure description] Page 273.[end figure description]
He's on a pole, and the bitin North wind is a blowin onto him.
He can't get up any higher, because his pole ain't any
longer; and he can't get down, because he ain't no place to
light onto.
He vetoed the bills, and Congress hez vetoed him; the civil
rights bill they passed in a uncivil manner.
Now, bein the nigger hez rights, he is our ekal.
Our ekil is the nigger now, and onless the skool houses is
burned, and the spellin books destroyed, he will soon be our
superior.
We wuz willin to give him the right uv bein sued; but, alas!
he kin sue.
He kin be a witness agin us, and he kin set his face agin
ourn.
Our wise men may make laws to keep him in his normal
speer, but uv wat avail is they?
We kin buy and sell him no more, neither he nor his children.
The men will cleave unto their wives, and the wives unto
their husbands, and our hand is powerlis to separate em.
Their children kin we no more put up at auction, and sell to
the highest bidder, we pocketing joyfully the price thereof.
They hev become sassy and impudent, and say, “Go to; are
we not men?”
I bade one git off the sidewalk, and he bade me be damned.
I chucked a nearly white one under the chin, and smiled
onto her, and she squawked; and her husband, hearing the
squawk thereof, came up and bustid my head, even ez a white
man wood hev dun.
I chastised wun who gave me lip; and he sood me, a Caucashun,
for assault and battery, and got a judgment!
Wale! for Moses put out his hand to save us these indignities,
but his hand wuz too weak.
We killed Linkin in vain.
Our Moses is playin Jaxson. He fancieth he resembleth him,
becoz his inishals is the same.
He resembleth Jaxon muchly — in that Jaxon hed a policy
wich he cood carry out, while our Moses hez a policy wich he
can't carry out.
-- 274 --
[figure description] Page 274.[end figure description]
And ez he can't carry out his policy, the people are carryin
it out for him.
Wich they do, a holdin it at arm's length, and holdin their
noses.
Moses is a cake half baked; he is hot on one side, and cold
on tother.
He darsn't let go uv Ablishnism, and is afeerd to come
to us.
He hez been takin epsom salts and ipecac; and one is workin
up, and the other is workin down.
Where kin we look for comfort?
Do we turn to the people? Connecticut answers, “'Ror for
Hawley!” and Noo Hampshere goes Ablishun.
Do we turn to the courts? Lo! Taney hez gone to his reward—
him who aforetime dealt out Dimekratic justice, and
who understood the nacher uv the nigger, — and Chase, who
is pizen, reigns in his stead.
Raymond is growin weak in the knees, and Doolittle is a
broken reed on which to lean.
We are too short at both ends.
Shall we go to Brazil? Lo! there they put niggers in
office.
Mexico holds out her hands to us; but, lo! the nigger is
considered a man.
We hev no escape from the Ethiopian; he is around us, and
about us, and on top uv us.
I see no post orfis in the distance, no hope for the future.
Hed I bin a Ablishinist, so ez to make the thing safe in the
next world, I shood be glad to die, and quit this.
For my sole is pregnant with grief; my hart bugs out
with woe.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n49* In a speech in 1866 President Johnson claimed to have been the “Moses” of
the negro, as he had been instrumental in leading him out of bondage. The
name clung to him during his official life. The passage of the Civil Rights bill
over the President's veto destroyed the hopes of those who expected to keep
the freedmen in a state of semi-bondage.
-- 275 -- p635-298
CIV. MOURNFUL VIEW OF THE SITUATION.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
April 26, 1866.
[figure description] Page 275.[end figure description]
*The work uv death is a goin on. The sakred precepts uv
the Holy Skripters is bein daily violated by an insane majority,
who hev substitooted their own noshens for the safe and pleasant
revelashens uv Holy Writ, and the practices of their
fathers.
Cood Noah, when he cussed Ham, and declared that he shood
be a servant unto his brethren, hev foreseen how his cuss wood
hev bin disregarded in these degenerate days, he wood, I boldly
assert (and I make the assertion from wat I know uv the character
uv that eminent navigator), hev kep sober, and not cust
Ham at all. For wat's the use uv sich a cuss ef it's to be removed
jist when you want it to stick? Hed it bin taken off
afore cotton wuz profitable, and afore the Southern people hed
learned to depend onto their labor, it wouldent hev bin so bad,
and they cood hev endoored it without murmurin. But, alas!
not only is the South in a state of abject cussitood, but the
Northern Dimocrasy is likewise.
The case stood thuswise: The South depended on the Nigger;
and the Northern politicians, like me, depended on the
South. The nigger wuz the foundashun upon wich the entire
structur rested; and now that he's knocked out, it falls.
I wuz in Washington the other day, and wuz a unwillin witnis
uv a scene wich filled me with unutterable disgust. The
niggers wuz a celebratin suthin connected with their onnatural
removal from their normal condishun, and wuz a paradin the
streets with bands uv music, and with banners and inscriptions.
They hed the impudence to dress up in good clothes, — clothes
wich I cood not afford to wear, — and three uv the impudent
cusses hed the ashoorance to go so far in their imitation of
-- 276 --
[figure description] Page 276.[end figure description]
human beins ez to make speeches; and to my horror, the mass
uv em hed ben so well trained by somebody that they actily
cheered, and ez near ez I cood make out got in the applause at
the right place, and all without the assistance uv a indivijual
to commence applaudin at the right time, wich we hev generally
found nessary at Dimmekratic meetins.
Their inscripshuns wuz insultin. They hed em all spelt rite,
and they wuz full uv alloosions to ekal rites, and onqualifyed
suffrage, and sich, planely showin that the poor, misguided
critters hed no idee that they wuz loaded down with a cuss
and that becoz uv that cuss they hed no rites watever.
In Richmond I saw other evidences uv the terrible breakin
down uv the barriers wich Noah set up atween the races. I
wuz sittin in a hoss car, when a nigger hed the onparalleled
asshoorence to enter and set down. I remonstrated with the
chattel, who laft in my face.
Thus the old landmarks is bein removed, and thus the foundations
uv society is a bein broken up. I saw in Richmond
fair wimmin who hed, in olden times, never known wat labor
wuz, a washin dishes, and cookin their own vittles; and I saw
men, who hed wunst lived luxuriously on the labor uv a hundred
niggers, now drivin drays, and sellin dry goods and groceries,
and sich, and my soul sunk within me. Wuz the cuss a
mistake? Wuz the nigger not the race that wuz cussed? or
has he becum so bleached, so lost in the white by amalgamation,
that there ain't enough uv the black left in each indivijual
for the cuss to hang to?
Andrew Johnson! in your hands rests our cause; on your
ackshen depends our weal or woe! Yoo, and yoo alone, kin
remedy this. Wat if a corrupt and radikle Congress does override
your vetoes, and legislate for these cuss-ridden people?
Yoo hev yet a power wich yoo must not hesitate to make em
feel. Clear out the rump Congress; declare our Southern
brethren entitled to their seats, and see that they hev em.
The Dimocrisy uv the North, wich wuz latterly for peece, are
now fur war. They will sustain yoo. Reverse yoor ackshen,
and yoo kin attach em to yoo with hooks uv steel. There ain't
no risk in it — nary risk. Turn the Ablishnists out uv the
Post Offices, and replace em with Democrats; let it be under
-- 277 -- p635-300
[figure description] Page 277.[end figure description]
stood that yoo hev come back to yoor fust love, and no longer
abide in the tents uv Ablishunism, — and all will be well.
Talk less uv yoor policy, and put more uv it into acts. Combine
Post Offices with Policy, and proclaim that only he who
sustains the latter shel hev the former, and yoo kin depend on
the entire Democrisy North. We are waitin anxiously. From
the South comes up the cry, wich the North reëkkoes.
Will Androo Johnson, wich Ablishnists call Moses, but wich
we, for obvious reasons, style the 2d Jaxson, heed that cry?
or will he persist in clingin to the black idol he embraced four
years ago?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n50* The more reckless of President Johnson's new friends insisted that he should
use the military power in his hands to enforce his policy — that he should treat
the acts of Congress as nullities, and administer the government without its aid.
CV. THE RECONSTRUCTED CONGRATULATE THE COUNTRY UPON THE MEMPHIS OUTBREAK.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
May 12, 1866.
*The news from Memphis filled the soles uv the Dimocrisy uv
Kentucky with undilooted joy. There, at last, the Ethiopian
wuz taught that to him, at least, the spelling book is a sealed
volume, and that the gospel is not for him, save ez he gits it
filtered through a sound, constooshnel, Dimekratic preacher.
We met at the Corners last nite to jollify over the brave acts
uv our Memphis frends, and I wuz the speeker. I addressed
them on the subjick uv the nigger, — his wants, needs, and
capacities, — a subjick, permit me to state, I flatter myself I
understand. Probably no man in the United States hez given
the nigger more study, or devoted more time to a pashent
investigashen uv this species uv the brute creashen, than the
-- 278 --
[figure description] Page 278.[end figure description]
undersigned. I have contemplated him sittin and standin,
sleepin and wakin, at labor and in idleness, — in every shape,
in fact, ceptin ez a free man, wich situashen is too disgustin
for a proud Caucashen to contemplate him; and when he ariz
before my mind's eye in that shape, I alluz turned shudderin
away.
I hed proceeded in my discourse with a flowin sale. It's
easy demonstratin anythin yoor awjence wants to bleeve, and
wich their interest lies in. For instants, I hev notist wicked
men, who wuz somewhat wedded to sin, generally lean toward
Universalism; men heavily developed in the back uv the neck
are easily convinst uv the grand trooths uv free love; and
them ez is too fond uv makin money to rest on the seventh
day, hev serious doubts ez to whether the observance uv the
Sabbath is bindin onto em. I, not likin to work at all, am a
firm beleever in slavery, and wood be firmer ef I cood get start
enuff to own a nigger.
I hed gone on and proved concloosively, from a comparison
uv the fizzikle structer uv the Afrikin and the Caucashen, that
the nigger wuz a beast, and not a human bein; and that, consekently,
we hed a perfeck rite to catch him, and tame him, and
use him ez we do other wild animals. Finishin this hed uv my
discourse, I glode easily into a history uv the flood; explained
how Noah got tite and cust Ham, condemnin him and his posterity
to serve his brethren forever, wich I insisted give us an
indubitable warranty deed to all uv em for all time.
I warmed upon this elokently. “Behold, my brethren, the
beginnin uv Dimocrasy,” I sed. “Fust, the wine (which wuz
the antetype of our whisky) wuz the beginnin. Wine (or
whisky) wuz necessary to the foundation uv the party, and it
wuz forthcomin. But the thing wuz not complete. It did its
work on Noah, but yet there wuz a achin void. There wuz no
Nigger in the world, and without nigger there cood be no
Dimocrasy. Ham, my friends, wuz born a brother uv Japhet,
and wuz like unto him, and, uv course, could not be a slave.
Whisky wuz the instrument to bring him down; and it fetched
him. Ham looked upon his father, and wuz cust; and the void
wuz filled. There wuz Nigger and whisky, and upon them
the foundashuns uv the party wuz laid, broad and deep.
-- 279 --
[figure description] Page 279.[end figure description]
Methinks, my brethren, when Ham went out from the presence
uv his father, black in the face ez the ace uv spades (ef I
may be allowed to use the expression), bowin his back to the
burdens Shem and Japhet piled onto him with alacrity, that
Democracy, then in the womb uv the future, kicked lively, and
clapped its hands. There wuz a nigger to enslave, and whisky
to bring men down to the pint uv enslavin him. There wuz
whisky to make men incapable uv labor; whisky to accompany
horse racin, and poker playin, and sich rational amusements,
and a nigger cust especially that he mite sweat to furnish the
means. Observe the fitness uv things. Bless the Lord, my
brethren, for whisky and the nigger; for, without em, there
could be no Dimocrisy, and yoor beloved speaker mite hev
owned a farm in Noo Jersey, and bin a votin the whig ticket
to-day.”
At this pint, a venerable old freedman, who wuz a sittin
quietly in the meetin, ariz, and asked ef he mite ask a question.
Thinkin what a splendid opportunity there wood be uv
demonstratin the sooperiority uv the Caucashen over the Afrikin
race, I answered, “Yes,” gladly.
“Well, Mas'r,” sed the old imbecile, “is I a beast?”
“My venerable friend, there ain't nary doubt uv it.”
“Is my old woman a old beastesses, too?”
“Indubitably,” replied I.
“And my children — is they little beasts and beastesses?”
“Onquestionably.”
“Den a yaller feller ain't but half a beast, is he?”
“My friend,” sed I, “that question is —”
“Hold on,” sed he; “wat I wanted to git at is dis: dere's a
heap uv yaller fellers in dis section, whose fadders must hev
bin white men; and, ez der mudders wuz all beastesses, I want
to know whedder dar ain't no law in Kentucky agin —”
“Put him out!” “Kill the black wretch!” shouted a
majority uv them who hed bin the heaviest slave owners under
the good old patriarkle system, and they went for the old reprobate.
At this pint, a officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau, who
we hadn't observed, riz, and bustin with laughter, remarked
that his venerable friend shood have a chance to be heerd.
We respeck that Burow, partikelerly ez the officers generally
-- 280 --
[figure description] Page 280.[end figure description]
hev a hundred or two bayonets within reech, and, chokin
our wrath, permitted ourselves to be further insulted by
the cussed nigger, who, grinnin from ear to ear, riz and
perceeded.
“My white friends,” sed he, “dar pears to be an objection to
my reference to de subjeck uv dis mixin with beasts, so I won't
press de matter. But I ask yoo, did Noah hev three sons?”
“He did,” sed I.
“Berry good. Wuz they all brudders?”
“Uv course.”
“Ham come from the same fadder and mudder as the odder
two?”
“C-e-r-t-i-n-l-y.”
“Well, den, it seems to me — not fully understandin the
skripters — dat if we is beasts and beastesses, dat you is
beasts and beastesses also, and dat, after all, we is brudders.”
And the disgustin old wretch threw his arms around my neck,
and kissed me, callin me his “long lost brudder.”
The officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau laft vosiferously, and
so did a dozen or two soldiers in the crowd likewise; and the
awjence slunk out without adjournin the meetin, one uv em
remarkin, audibly, that he had noticed one thing, that Dimocrisy
wuz extremely weak whenever it undertook to defend
itself with fax or revelashun. For his part, he'd done with
argyment. He wanted niggers, because he cood wallop em,
and make em do his work without payin em, wich he coodent
do with white men.
I left the meetin house convinst that the South, who worked
the niggers, leavin us Northern Dimokrats to defend the system,
hed the best end uv the bargain.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n51* The rebels of Memphis attempted the destruction of the negro school-houses
and churches in May, 1866. In the riot a large number of negroes, men,
women, and children, were brutally murdered.
-- 281 -- p635-304
CVI. THE WORKINGS OF THE FREEDMEN'S BUREAU. — A REPORT.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
May 27, 1866.
To His Exslency the Dispenser uv Post Orfices, Androo
Johnson, President uv the United States.
[figure description] Page 281.[end figure description]
*In accordance with yoor esteemed request, dated the 25th,
and received this morning, I to-wunst proceeded to make enquiry
ez to the workin uv the Freedmen's Burow, and the condishun
uv the Afrikin citizens uv Amerikin descent in this
vicinity. The fact that a Ablishnist still holds the Post Orfice
at the Corners (wich place, by the way, I hev been solicited to
accept), interfered materially with the biziness I hed in hand.
I to-wunst tooted the horn, ez is the custom when we hev
religious servis, and called my congregashun together. They
come runnin in from the different groceries; and here another
difficulty ensood. The grosery keepers wanted to know what
we wuz a going to hev meetin on week days for? They wuz
willin to shut up durin meetin time on Sundays, ez they respected
the church, and it give em time to sweep out the terbacker,
et settry; but they'd be d—d ef they wuz a goin to
hev the people pulled away from their nourishment on week
days. I succeeded in pacifyin em, and went in at wunst examinin
the leadin citizens. Their testimony is ez follows: —
Captain Skelper wuz a nigger owner afore the war, and
durin the late fratrisidle struggle wuz a captain in the confedrit
servis. Wuz with Ginral Forest at Fort Pillow. Hez hed much
experience with niggers. Bleeves em to be adapted to the
climit uv Kentucky, and much more able to stand the hot sun
-- 282 --
[figure description] Page 282.[end figure description]
than the whites. When they wuz slaves, never knowed em to
refooze to work; know they alluz did work, becoz he generally
stood over em with a nigger whip. Since they hev bin free,
hez notist a change; not much uv a change, ontil the Nigger
Burow wuz establisht. Before that they'd take sich wages ez
yoo chose to give em; since then the d—d heathen will stand
out bout ez the white men do, and won't work at all onless
yoo meet their views, wich made a heap uv trouble, and materially
retarded the development uv the country. The Burow
hed corrupted the female niggers; ez they hed all bin legally
married by the Chaplins to the men they'd lived with, and
wuz so sot on livin with em, that there's no yoose uv yoor tryin
to get a house wench unless yoo took her husband also. His
wife wuz now doin degradin work at home for want uv help.
Strongly urged the abrogashen uv the Burow, and the removal
uv the Abolishn Postmaster at the Corners.
Deacon McGrath wuz convinst in his own mind that the
Afrikin wuz now out uv his normal speer, and that the infernal
Burow wuz at the bottom uv it. The nigger, afore the Burow
come around, wuz docile and easily controlled. His boy Joe
wuz wunst a model nigger. He'd get up every mornin at 4
A. M. (wich means in the mornin), and work every day till after
dark. Ez soon ez he wuz emancipated, ez they called it, and
the Burow come, I told him to get up, one mornin; and he told
me, impudently, that he'd concluded he woodent. I undertook
to chastise him with a fence stake, whereupon he sailed in, and
whaled me; and the Burow, to which I applied for redress, larft
in my face. He left, and is now draggin out a miserable existence
in Ohio, on the beggarly pittance uv two dollars a day, and
my farm is runnin to weeds. He conclooded by givin it ez his
solemn opinion that he never cood be reconciled to the Government
so long ez the Burow wuz tolerated, and that Ablishnist
held the Post Orfis at the Corners.
Gineral Dinges considered the Burow a inkubus upon the
State. It interfered between master and servant. Cood git
along better ef the nigger wuz left to the nateral laws wich
regulates capital and labor. Tried to keep his niggers, and did
keep em the past summer till after the crop wuz in, and then
tried to settle with em for four dollars a month, with sich
-- 283 --
[figure description] Page 283.[end figure description]
deductions for food, sickness, and broken tools, et settry, ez wuz
just. Brought the niggers, all uv em, in my debt, and generously
proposed to let em work it out choppin cord wood doorin
the winter. Hauled me up afore the Burow, and wuz forst to
pay em each $15 per month. Consider the Burow ez all that
stands in the way uv rekonstruction, though the removal uv
the Ablishun Postmaster at the Corners and the appintment uv
a sound constooshnel Dimekrat wood grately assist in conciliatin
the Kentucky mind.
I tried to get some nigger testimony, but cood elicit nothing
worth while. One nigger, who spends the heft uv his time at
the Corners, wuz opposed to the Burow becoz it stopt rations
on him. And Lucy, a octoroon, who formerly belonged to, and
still resides with, Elder Gavitt (who is now absent ez a delegate
to a Southern religious convention at Louisville), testified
that the Burow “wuz no grate shakes,” becoz bein ez the Elder
wuz a widower, and the father uv all her children, and bein
she's a free woman, she askt the agent to make the Elder marry
her, and he woodn't do it. But sich evidence is irrelevent, and
I didn't consider it worth while botherin yoor Exslency with
it. Both, however, strongly insisted on the removal uv the
Ablishun Postmaster at the Corners.
Abslum Pettus wuz convinst the Burow wuz agin the prosperity
uv the State, and wuz underminin the moral and physikle
welfare uv the nigger. It made him impudent. Hed sum uv
em workin for him, and notist at noons and nites he'd find em
with a spellin-book and a reader. Didn't bleeve in readin.
Coodent read hisself, but hed a cousin wunst who learned; but
ez soon ez he cood read he moved off to Injeanny, quit the
Democrisy, and become a loathsum Ablishnist. Heerd he wuz
killed in the war, and served him rite. Wanted to know what
we wood do when the niggers cood all read. Sposed we'd hev
to 'lect em to offis, ez the people alluz selected sich, when they
cood find em. Didn't bleeve in nigger equality, and wuz in
favor uv imediate change in the post orfice at the Corners.
Captain McSlather thought things hed cum to a sweet old
pass, when a man coodn't lather a nigger without bein hauled
up afore a Burow.
Kurnel Pelter thought ef yoor Exslency cood witness the
-- 284 --
[figure description] Page 284.[end figure description]
corrupshen that eggsisted in the Burow, yoo'd make short work
uv it. Why, he whipped a nigger hand more than he ought,
perhaps, and he died uv the injuries. It wuz a aggravatin case.
The nigger wuz sassy, and it cost three hundred and sixteen
dollars to pervide for his family. That infamous Burow made
me pay for their rashens all winter. He asked, indignantly, ef
this wuz or wuz not a free kentry into wich such things wuz
permitted. And the Ablishen Postmaster at the Corners approved
the tyranikle action. He demanded his removal.
I conceive it to be onnecessary to submit further testimony.
I know not what luck yoor other commissioners may hev met
with in takin testimony on this subjick; but in this vicinity
there can't be no doubt that there can't be that love for the
Government, without wich free instooshens won't flourish to
any alarmin extent, ontil this monster is squelched. The testimony
is unanimous, and them ez I hev examined are representative
men.
You may hev notist, also, the singler unanimity with wich
they all bore testimony to the necessity uv a change in the
Post Orfis at the Corners. I endorse all they say on this question,
considerin that that change is ez necessary in the grate
work uv pacifyin and conciliation ez is the removal uv the Burow.
In case a change is made, I would say, for your guidance,
that I hev been warmly solicited by my friends to accept the
position, and to pacify em, hev at last yielded a reluctant consent.
The fact that I never served in the Confederate army
may be an objection; but, to offset that, I voted for Vallandygum
twice.
Ef possible, send me a pardon at the same time yoo send me
my commission ez Post Master; for, if the Post Offis don't pay,
I may want to run for some other office, in wich event that
document would be essential to my success.
With sentiments uv the most profound respek,
I am
Trooly yours,
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n52* A commission made up of the adherents of President Johnson was sent
South to examine into the workings of the Freedmen's Bureau, and the condition
of the South generally. The commission had a delightful trip South,
saw what was desired of them to see, and nothing else, and reported as was
desired, and nothing more. Nasby's report reads very like that of the commission.
-- 285 -- p635-308
CVII. PRESIDES AT A CHURCH TRIAL.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
June 9, 1866.
[figure description] Page 285.[end figure description]
They hed a ruction in the church at the Corners yisterday,
wich bid fair to result in a rendin uv the walls of our Zion, and
the tearin down uv the temple we hev reared with so much
care and hev guarded with so much solissitood. When I say
“we,” I mean the members thereof, ez the church wuz
reorganized sence the war by returned Confedrit soldiers and
sich Dimekrats ez remained at home nootrel; but inasmuch ez
I am the only reglerly ordained Dimokratic paster in these
parts I ginerly conduct the services, and hentz hev insensibly
fell into a habit uv speakin uv the church ez “my” church,
and I feel all the solissitood for its spiritooal and temporal welfare
that I cood ef I wuz reglerly ordained ez its pastor, wich
I expect to be ef I fail in gettin that post offis at the Corners,
wich is now held by a Ablishnist uv the darkest dye, wich
President Johnson, with a stubbornness I can't account for,
persistently refooses to remove.
The case wuz suthin like this: —
Deekin Pogram wuz charged by Elder Slather with hevin, in
broad daylite, with no attempt at concealment, drank with a
nigger, and a free nigger at that, in Bascom's grocery, and to
prove the charge Deekin Slather called Deekin Pennibacker.
The Deekin wuz put onto the stand, and testified ez
follows: —
“Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up for the drinks
with Deekin Slather. Hed jist beet the Deekin one game and
hed four on the second, and held high, low, and jack, and wuz
modritly certin uv goin out, partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't
beg. Wus hevin a little discussion with him — the Deekin insistin
that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv the best
two in three, jest as though a man cood afford to play five
games between drinks! The ijee is preposterous and unheard
of, and ther ain't no precedent for any sich course. We wuz
-- 286 --
[figure description] Page 286.[end figure description]
settlin the dispoot in regler orthodox style — he hed his fingers
twisted in my neck handkercher, and I hed a stick uv stove
wood suspended over his head. While in this position we wuz
transfixed with horror at seein Deekin Pogram enter, arm-in-arm
with a nigger, and, —
The Court. — Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother Pennibacker?
Witness. — Certainly.
The Court. — The scribe will make a minnit uv this. Go on.
Witness. — They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm,
walked up to the bar, and drank together.
By the Court. — Did they drink together?
Witness. — They ondeniable did.
By myself. — The Court desires to know what partikeler
flooid they absorbed.
Witness. — Can't say — spose 'twas Bascom's new whiskey—
that's all he's got, ez the Court very well knows.
By myself. — The Sexton will go at once to Bascom's and
procoor the identicle bottle from which this wretched man,
who stands charged with thus lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring
it hither. The Court desires to know for herself whether it
was really whisky. The pint is an important one for the Court
to know.
A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be better onderstood
by the Court if it wuz a quart. The bottle wuz, however,
brought, and the Court, wich is me, wuz satisfied that it
wuz really and trooly whisky. Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated
my parched throat, I wished the trials based upon that bottle
cood be perpetocal.
I considered the case proved, and asked Brother Pogram
what palliation he hed to offer. I set before him the enormity
uv the crime, and showed him that he was by this course
sappin the very foundashun uv the Church and the Democratic
party. Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin nigger
equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told him that
Ham wuz cust by Noah, and wuz condemned to be a servant
unto his brethren — that he wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy
wuz built upon that idea, and that associatin with him in
any shape that indicated equality, wuz either puttin them up
to our standard or lowerin ourselves to theirn; in either case
-- 287 --
[figure description] Page 287.[end figure description]
the result wuz fatal. I implored Brother Pogram to make a
clean breast uv it, confess his sin, and humbly receive sich
punishment ez shood be awarded him, and go and sin no more.
“Speak up, Brother Pogram,” sez I, paternally, and yet severely.
Brother Pogram, to my unspeakable relief, for he is the
wealthiest member of the congregashun, and one we darsn't
expel, replied, —
“That he DID drink with the nigger, and wat wuz more,
he wuz justified in doin it, for THE NIGGER PAID FOR THE
WHISKY!!”
“But, shoorly,” I remarked, “it wasn't nessary to yoor purpose
to come in with the nigger arm-in-arm, — a attitood wich
implies familiarity, ef not affeckshun.”
The Prisoner. — The nigger and I hed bin pitchin coppers
for drinks, and I, possessin more akootnis, hed won. I took
the nigger by the arm, fearin that ef I let go uv him he'd
dodge without payin. They are slippery.
Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst
dismist the charge as unfounded and frivolous.
“My brethren,” sez I, “the action uv Brother Pogram is not
only justifiable, but is commendable, and worthy of imitashun.
Ham wuz cust by Noah, and condemned by him to serve his
brethren. The nigger is the descendant of Ham, and we are
the descendants uv the brethren, and ef Noah hed a clear rite
to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the balance uv the
boys for all time, we hev ded wood on the nigger, for it is
clear that he wuz made to labor for us and minister to our
wants. So it wuz, my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power,
interfered and delivered him out of our hand. Wat shel we
do? Wat we cannot do by force we must do by financeerin.
We can't any longer compel the nigger to furnish us the
means, and therefore in order to fulfil the skripter, we are
justified in accomplishing by our sooperior skill wat we used
to do with whips and dorgs. The spectacle uv Brother
Pogram's marchin into Bascom's with that nigger wuz a
sublime spectacle, and one well calculated to cheer the heart uv
the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an encounter
where skill wuz required, thus demonstratm the sooperiority
-- 288 -- p635-311
[figure description] Page 288.[end figure description]
uv the Anglo-Saxon mind — he led him a captive, and made uv
him a spoil. Wood, O wood that we all hed a nigger to play
with for drinks! The case is dismissed, the costs to be paid
by the complainant!”
The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever. This trial, ez
it resulted, is a new and strong abutment — a tall and strong
tower.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CVIII. TURNS A MEETING, CALLED TO INDORSE GENERAL ROSSEAU, TO ACCOUNT.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
June 22, 1866.
*There wuz joy at the Corners when the Postmaster (who
takes the only paper wich comes to the office, ceptin a few wich
comes to some demoralized niggers who hev learned to read,
and the officers uv the Freedmen's Burow here) read to the
crowd the news uv the canin wich Rosso, wich is uv Kentucky,
give Grinnell. It sent a thrill uv joy through the State, wich
ain't done thrillin yet. Bustin out into nine hearty cheers, we
to-wunst organized a meetin for the purpose uv expressin our
feelins on the momentous occasion. The bell wuz rung, the
people gathered together, and I wuz elected Chairman (they
alluz elect me to preside becoz I'm bald-headed; they think
bald heads and dignity is inseparable), and Deekin Pogram
Secretary, with 36 Vice-Presidents — one for each State. I
made a short speech on takin the chair, congratulatin em on
the auspicious event wich called us together. Whereupon a
Committee on Resolutions wuz appinted, wich, after a short
absence, reported ez follows: —
-- 289 --
[figure description] Page 289.[end figure description]
Whereas, Genral Rosso, a native-born Kentuckian, and therefore
a gentleman, hevin got into a argument with a Iowa sheepbreeder;
and,
Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the argument, he dextrously
turned it into blackguardin; and,
Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the blackguardin, he remembered
the ancient usages uv the chivalrous sons uv the South,
and caned him; therefore, be it
Resolved, That we, the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit × Roads,
wich is in the State uv Kentucky, hereby thank General Rosso
for his manly vindication uv the character uv Kentucky.
Resolved, That we know not wich to admire the most; the
dashin Gineral's courage in bravin the public sentiment uv the
North, or his prudence in selectin the smallest and physically
weakest man in the House to demonstrate onto.
Resolved, That ez Thad Stevens is 70 years of age, and lame,
and hardly recovered from his fit uv sickness, we suggest that
our beloved hero commence a argument with him, feelin that
so far ez the argument and blackguardin goes the result will
be the same, only so much more so ez to give him a good excuse
for killin him, wich wood be doin the South a servis
indeed.
Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hevent felt so
good sence the Memphis riots.
Resolved, That this manly act uv Gineral Rosso's makes up
and compensates the South for the outrage he inflicted onto
her when he jined the vandal host wich devastated her soil,
and that hereafter he shel be receeved with just the same cordiality
ez though he had gone into the Confedrit instid uv the
Federal servis.
Resolved, That the thanks uv the Dimocrisy are due the bold,
brave men who accompanied and stood by General Rosso in
this vindication uv the Southern spirit.
I put the affirmative, ez is the custom here, it bein the rool
when the leaders want a thing to pass, never to call for the
nays, and it went through all right. Then I arose, and stated
I hed another resolution, wich I wished to offer, and I read
it: —
-- 290 --
[figure description] Page 290.[end figure description]
Resolved, That in retainin in the Post Offis, at the Corners, a
Ablishnist, President Johnson is —
At this point Deekin Pogram interrupted me. He spozed
this meetin wuz called to congratulate Ginral Rosso, and wat
wuz the sense uv mixin up a paltry Post Offis with a matter
uv so much importance ez the canin uv a Ablishnist? It was
clearly out uv order.
I replied, “Wood yoo be glad, or wood this congregashun
be glad, to hev me in the Post Orfis in the place uv that
Ablishnist?”
The Deekin replied that personally he wood. He had the
highest respect for my massive talents and my excellent qualities
uv head and heart, and besides, he thought probable, ef I
got the Post Orfis, he wood stand a chance uv gettin the nine
dollars and sixty-two cents borrowed money I owed him,
and —
I called him to order at once.
Bascom, who keeps the grocery, and who furnishes me with
likker (wich I hev to take for my hair) on the strength uv
remittances I am to receeve, insisted on hearin the resolution
ef it wood further my gettin the Post Orfis, and so did the benevolent
gentleman with whom I board, and I resoomed, —
“I kin see a good reason for incorporatin a resolooshun demandin
a change in the Post Orfis into the proceedins uv this
meetin. There wood be, my friends, no yoose uv sendin the
President a naked resolution demandin this change, becoz he
reseeves hundreds and tens uv hundreds uv applications for
offices every day; in fact, they pile in at sich a rate that he
never opens the half uv them. The Dimocrisy, my brethren,
are alive on this subject. Ef they are to support the President,
they want, and will hev, the post orfises, for uv what use
is it to support a man and pay yoor own expenses? It is plain
that the proceedins uv a post offis meetin wood never reach
him, but this, my brethren, goes up to him from the PEOPLE,
endorsin a supporter uv his policy, and ez it will be the only
one he hez reseeved, or will reseeve, he will read it and read
it through, and in the exultation he will feel at bein endorsed
by anybody, who doubts the result? The Post Orfis is mine.”
Bascom, the grocery keeper, moved, excitedly, the adoption
-- 291 -- p635-314
[figure description] Page 291.[end figure description]
uv the resolution. I suggested that I hed better read it, but
he sed it made no difference; he knew it wuz all rite. The
benevolent and confidin individooal I board with seconded the
motion, and Deekin Pogram supported it in a short speech,
statin that he understood that it wuz Brother Nasby's intention,
ef he succeeded in procoorin the position, to devote the
first three and a half years' salary towards payin off the small
indebtedness he hed contracted sence he hed honored the town
by residin in it. To all uv wich I blandly smiled an assent,
whereupon the resolution wuz adopted yoonanimusly. Hevin
lived here a little risin uv a year, the vote wuz perfeckly
yoonanimous.
My prospex is britenin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n53* General Rosseau, in feeble imitation of Brooks, assaulted Mr. Grinnell, of
Iowa, having been worsted in an argument. Kentucky, of course, indorsed
Rosseau.
CIX. PREACHES — THE “PRODIGAL SON. ” — AN INTERRUPTION.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
July 6, 1866.
I preached last Sabbath, or rather, tried to, from the parable
of the Prodigal Son. We hed a splendid congregashun. I
notice a revival of the work in this part uv the Dimocratic
vineyard wich reely cheers me. The demonstrashun our friends
made in Memphis, the canin uv Grinnel by Rosso, and the call
for a Johnson Convenshun in Philadelphia, all, all hev conspired
to comfort the souls uv the Dimocrisy, and encourage em to
renewed effort. It is bringing forth fruit. Only last week five
northern men were sent whirlin out of this section. They
dusted in the night to escape hangin, leavin their goods as a
prey for the righteous. Six niggers hev been killed and one
Burow officer shot. Trooly there is everything to encourage
us.
-- 292 --
[figure description] Page 292.[end figure description]
The house wuz full. The weather wuz hot, and the pleasant
incense uv mingled whiskey, tobacco, and snuff wich ariz wuz
grateful to me. The sun shone in on Deekin Pogram's face ez
he gently slept, and when the sun hits him square I kin alluz
tell wher he sets, even ef it is dark. He drinks apple-jack
instead of corn whiskey, and chaws fine-cut tobacker instead
uv plug, and consekently when in the pulpit I kin distinguish
the pecooliar aroma uv his breath from those around him.
“My brethren,” sed I, “sich uv yoo ez hev Bibles in yoor
houses, kin get somebody to read yoo the parable to wich I
shel call yoor attention. A man, wunst upon a time, hed sons,
ez many men hev since, and wun uv em wuz a tough one, who
hed a taste for that pertikeler branch uv agriculture known ez
sowin wild oats. He left his home and went into far countries,
makin the old man shel out his share uv the estate, and he lived
high, jist, my brethren, ez yoor boys do, or rather, did, when
they went to Noo Orleans, in the days when yoo hed a nigger
or two wich yoo cood sell to supply em with money. He
played draw poker and faro; he drank fancy drinks, and boarded
at big hotels; and he follered after strange women, which 'll
bust a man quicker nor any one small sin the devil hez yet invented,
ez yoor pastor kin testify. Uv course, his pile give
out, and he got down, my friends, did this ingenuous yooth, to
rags and wretchedness, and ended in being an overseer uv
swine. What did he do? He ariz and went to his father, and
the old man saw him afar off, and went out to meet him, and
fell onto his neck, and give him a order for a suit of clothes
and a pair uv boots, and put a ring onto his finger, and made a
feast, killin for the purpose the fatted calf wich he hed saved
for another occasion.
“My friends, you kin find in the Skripter suthin applicable
to every occasion, and this parable fits the present time like a
ready-made coat. The South is the Prodigal Son. We went
out from our father's house on a expedition wich hezn't proved
altogether a success. We spent our share uv the estate, and
a little more. We run through with our means, and hev cum
down to rags, and dirt, and filth, and hunger. We are, and
hev bin some time, a chawin husks. We run out after them
twin harlots, Slavery and State Rights, and they've cleaned us
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out. Our pockets are empty. No more doth the pleasant half-dollar
jingle in sweet unison agin its fellows. Our wallets is
barren uv postal currency, and the grocery-keepers mourn, and
refuse to be comforted, becoz we are not. We hev got to the
husk stage uv our woe, and wood be tendin hogs, ef the armies,
wich past through these countries, hed left us any. We hev
come back. In rags and dirt we hev wended our way to Washington,
and ask to be taken back. Now, why don't our father,
the Government, fulfil the Skripter? Why don't it see us afar
off, and run out to meet us? Why don't it put onto us a purple
robe? Where's the ring for our finger, and the shoes for our
feet? and where's the fatted calf he ought to kill? My brethren,
them Ablishnists is worse than infiddles — while they
preach the gospel they won't practise it. For my part,
I —”
At this point a sargent, belongin to that infernal Burow, who
wuz in the audience, with enough uv soldiers to make opposin
uv him unpleasant, sed he hed bin a sort uv an exhorter in his
day, and desired to say a word in explanation uv that parable,
ez applicable to the present time; and, sez he, “ef I am interrupted,
remember I b'long to the church military, wich is, just
now, the church triumphant.” And cockin his musket he proceeded,
very much uninterrupted.
“The prodigal son,” sez he, “wuz received by the old man
with considerable doins, but, my worthy friends, he went out
decently. He didn't, ez soon ez he withdrawed from the house,
turn around and make war onto the old gentleman — he didn't
burn his house and barns, tear up his garden, burn his fences,
and knock down the balance uv his children. Not any. He
went away peaceably, a misguided good-for-nothin, but yet a
peaceable good-for-nothin. Secondly, he come back uv his own
akkord. The old man didn't go after him, and fight for four
years, at a cost uv half his substance, to subdue him and bring
him back, but when he hed run through his pile, and squandered
his share uv the estate, and got hungry, he came back like a
whipped dog.
“My friends, let me draw a parallel between these cases.
“The Prodigal Son went out, — so did the South, — thus
farly the cases is alike.
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“The Prodigal didn't steal nothin. The Confederacy took
everything it cood lay its hands on.
“The Prodigal spent only what wuz his to spend. The Confederacy
spent not only all it stole, but all it cood borrer, when
it knowed its promises to pay wuzent worth the mizable paper
they wuz printed onto.
“The Prodigal, when he did come, come ez penitent ez the
consciousness that he hed made a fool uv hisself cood make
him. The Confederacy wuz whipped back, but it still swears
hefty oaths that it wuz right all the time.
“The Prodigal didn't demand veal pot-pies, and purple robes,
and sich, but begged to be a servant unto the more sensible
brethren wich stayed. The South comes back demandin office,
uv wich the fatted calf, and rings, and purple robes is typical,
and considerably more share in the government than it had
before it kicked over the traces, and went out.
“Spozn the Bible prodigal hed stopped his parient, and remarked
to him thus: `I am willin to come back, on conditions.
Yoo must pay my debts — yoo must give me an ekal share uv
the farm with the other boys — yoo must treat me in all respecks
just ez ef I hadn't gone out, and — this is essential —
yoo must take with me all the sharpers who ruined me, all the
gamblers and thieves with whom I fell in while I wuz away,
and make them head men on the place; and above all, I hev
with me the two harlots wich wuz the prime cause of my ruin,
and they must hev eleven of the best rooms in the house, and
must be treated ez your daughters. To avoid displeasin the
others, I'll dress em in different clothes, but here they must
stay. Otherwise, I'll go out agin.'
“Probably the old gentleman wood hev become indignant,
and would hev remarked to him to go, and never let him see
his audacious face agin, or rather, he would hev strangled the
harlots, scattered the blacklegs, and choked the young sprout
into submission. Them's me. I am anxious to kill that fatted
calf, and am also anxious to put on yoo robes and shoes. But,
alas! the calf suffered from want uv attention so long doorin
the late misunderstandins that he's too poor — the robes wuz
all cut up into bloo kotes for the soljers we sent out to fetch
yoo in — the shoes they wore out, and the rings — Jeff'son
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Davis wears the only style we hev. When you come back in
good shape, yool find us ready to meet yoo; but till then, chaw
husks?”
Lookin around, this armed tyrant remarked that there would
be no more preaching that day, and sadly the congregation
dispersed.
I am heart sick. At every turn I make that Burow stares
me in the face, and counteracts my best endeavors. It's
curious, though, what different sermons kin be preached from
the same text, and it's also curious how quiet our folks listen
to a Ablishnist who hez muskets to back him.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CX. A PLEASANT DREAM, THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION BEING THE SUBJECT THEREOF.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
July 28, 1866.
*My dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin the past five
years, hevent bin overly pleasant; indeed, they hev taken
more the shape uv hideous nitemares than anything else —
Linkin, Grant, Sherman, and armies dressed in blue, figurin
extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision wich more
than repaid me for all I hev suffered heretofore. I hed bin at
the Corners assistin in inauguratin a new grocery. The
proprietor wuz a demoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker
surreptitiously in Maine, among them Ablishnists, and consekently
hed no idea uv the quantity a full grown Kentucky
Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv. His entire capital
with which he proposed to commence biznis wuz one barrel uv
new corn whiskey, and some other necessaries, and ez a starter,
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to make the acquaintance uv his customers, he announced one
free nite, and invited the entire community. His invitashun
wuz considered generous, and we met it in the same noble sperit—
in a more nobler sperit than the confidin and ignorant man
desired, in fact; for when we got through, in about thirty-eight
minits, there wuzn't a drop uv the whiskey left, and while the
new grocery keeper wuz a rollin uv us out, he wuz cussin hisself
for a fool. He didn't open agin; he consoomed his stock in
trade in givin the blow-out to sekoor customers. His stock, like
A. Johnson's Unionism, didn't survive an inaugerashen.
I succumbed in a fence corner, and, overpowered ez I wuz,
slept,
“A sweetly dreamin —
Dreamin the happy hours away.”
Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August
had arriv. There wuz a glorious assemblage, ez Doolittle sed,
uv the brains and hearts uv the country, and I may add, ez I
and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv the bowels likewise.
The Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward present,
engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I notist, in my dream, a
shadowy bein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a
melonkoly look, with one hand a lyin on his shoulder, a tryin
to take him out uv the hall, while another bein, with wings like
a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a twistin uv him jest ez
he desired. I notist that this last mentioned bein hed hoofs,
wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in great glee.
The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's
ear, whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-President
Franklin Pierce, be chairman; upon wich the shadowy
bein in white unfolded her wings, and flew away, castin at
William the most sorrowful look I ever saw, the hoofed and
tailed individooal laughin tremendous. The Ex-President took
the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from each
State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My buzzum swelled
with emoshen ez that list wuz read; it wuz more like an old-fashioned
Democratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard
for five long years. I heard the honored names uv Toombs
and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and Rosso, and Dandridge
and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven and Pollard,
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Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like him uv old — “Mine
eyes hev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace.”
Nothing but the certainty that I wood at last hev that Post
Offis at the Corners kept me from goin up. Singler wat slender
ties hold us to earth!
The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees — two
on each from the South and one from the North, wich wuz
consiliatin. I wuz put on the committee on credenshals, Randall,
the Postmaster-General, bein the Northern representative.
We hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on us, so
many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours to
decide what shood be the proper qualification for a place.
Finally we agreed to admit ez delegates, —
From the North — all Democrats who hed bin arrested by
Linkin's minyuns; all officers who hed resined rather than to
serve in a Ablishun war, and all Republikins who cood show a
commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and (this wuz considered
necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin to take
his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything
A. Johnson hed did sence Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small
items wich wuz specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he
mite do.
From the South — all who cood show a officer's commission
in the late Confedrit army; all who had receeved a pardon
from A. Johnson, and all who hed lost their niggers in an
unholy war, wich inclooded all present.
This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took
their seats, and the grate work uv Reconstructin the Unyun
commenced. Garret Davis wanted to make a speech, and a
hall wuz hired for him in another part uv the city, and fifty or
sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand a word uv
English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Five
kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie
to, hed bin rolled in the hall, and most uv them stayed seven
hours and a half.
In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz
edifyin. Doolittle wood make a motion, and Vallandigham
wood second it. Forrest made a speech, and Randall indorsed
it. Seward and John Morrissey were on the Committee on
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Resolutions, and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one
seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They
resolved that, —
Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our
national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody
hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days
each; and
Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections
viewin things each from its own standpint, instead uv viewin
things from the other's standpint; and
Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly
the North; and
Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history,
hed thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old
position in the Government — nay, more, to take more than
her old share in the trouble uv runnin the Government;
therefore be it
Resolved, That we are for the Union ez it wuz.
Resolved, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in
continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed
our system uv Government, in legislatin while eleven sovereign
States is unrepresented, is pizen.
Resolved, That we view with alarm the manifest determination
uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin
power uv the Government, and we pledge our support to our
worthy Chief Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his
efforts to check their centralizin schemes by vetoin all they
may do.
Resolved, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be
wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an
appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the citizens
uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective Governments,
so-called, to carry muskets, cum together, particklerly
them uv wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv the disputes
that ensood.
Resolved, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes,
change the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta,
Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Browns
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burg, Jonesburg, et settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses
wich occurred at them places may be remembered no more
forever.
Resolved, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost
their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses wich
hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension rolls the
same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise; and that
the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez viewed
from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez the debt
incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from its
stand-pint.
Resolved, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to
admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered,
worthy uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson.
Resolved, That the safety uv the Government demands that
sich ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern
States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other
posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more unpleasant
they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to
be admitted.
Resolved, That there be gushin confidences, we freely forgive
the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv his
little bell door in the late unpleasantnis, believin that he viewed
things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody else's,
wich alluz causes trouble.
At this pint, His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by
Secretary Wells on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens
on one other, with Bukanan in front and Toombs behind, entered
the hall. Sich a cheerin I never heerd. Hats wuz slung into
the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they advanced up the
aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin wich a
enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd
before em. They took their position on the stage, General
Buell holdin over em a Fedral flag, and General Henry A.
Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedrit flag, both wavin em to the
music uv the bands; one a playin Dixie, and the other Yankee
Doodle.
At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into
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the hall, and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv
President Johnson. In my dreem I heerd him murmur, “There
wuz me, and Adams, and Jefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and
then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon, and, good
God! Johnson! Faugh!” and I notist that George spit ez tho'
suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv
his country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit
moved out uv the hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool
boots ez he shot thro' the sky-lite.
There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I
was at the Post-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin
hed commenced work, and the supporters uv the constitushun
were reseevin their commissions ez postmasters ez fast ez four
hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I pressed forward, Randall
hisself give me mine. “Take it, my venerable friend,”
sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; “take it. No
more shall that Demokrat in your township who takes a
paper reseeve it contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin
radical.”
At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a
reality! Will I only git that post-offis in a dream?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n54* The Philadelphia convention, which met a few weeks after the date of this
“dream,” followed very closely the suggestions contained in it.
CXI. REWARD OF VIRTUE. — THE VIRTUOUS PATRIOT SECURES HIS LOAF. — JOLLIFICATION.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
August 12, 1866.
At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weary trips
to Washington, after much weary waitin and much travail, I
hev got it. I am now Post Master at Confedrit × Roads, and
am dooly installed in my new position. Ef I ever hed any
doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paul the
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Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch
myself a feelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years
ago, another look, and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I
doubt his Democrisy, I look at that blessed commission, and am
reassured, for a President who cood turn out a wounded Federal
soldier, and appoint sich a man ez ME, must be above suspicion.
I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a cirkler
from Randall, now my sooperior in offis, propoundin these questions: —
1. Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in
all that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may hereafter
do?
2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convenshun will be
a convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and
devoted to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid
country?
3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle,
Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and bestest,
and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist men
that this country hez ever prodoost?
4. Do yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place reserved
in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and
the hottest for Sumner and Thad Stevens?
5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso?
6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin
states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid assumption uv power
by a secshnal Congris?
7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that
(eleven states bein unrepresented) all their acts are unconstooshnel
and illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin
salaries?
8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans unpleasantnesses
wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv
them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and
besotted niggers, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens
uv those properly reconstructed cities?
9. Are yoo not satisfied that the Afrikin citizens uv
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Amerikin descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal
law wich governs labor and capital?
10. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent. uv
yoor salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable
Congrismen in the disloyal states North?
To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went
afore a Justis uv the Peace an took an affidavit to em, forwarded
it back, and my commission wuz forthwith sent to me.
There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread
rapidly through the four groceries uv the town, and sich
another spontaneous outbust uv joy I never witnessed.
The bells rung, and for an hour or two the Corners wuz in
the wildest state uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated
each other on the certainty uv the acceshun uv the President
to the Dimocrisy, and in their enthoosiasm five nigger families
were cleaned out, two uv em, one a male and tother a female,
wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuz organized as follers: —
Two grocery keepers with bottles.
Deekin Pogram.
Me, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it
written, “In this Sign we Conker.”
Wagon with tabloo onto it: A nigger on the bottom boards,
Bascom, the grocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a
banner inscribed, “The Nigger where he oughter be.”
Citizen with bottle.
Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a attitood uv wallopin
a wench. Banner: “We've Regained our Rites.”
Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun.
Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles, fallin out
by the way side.
Citizens, two and two, with bottles.
Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a nigger skool,
in a state uv wreck, with a ded nigger layin on top uv it, wich
hed bin captoored within the hour. Banner: “My Policy.”
The perceshun mooved to the meetin house, and Deekin
Pogram takin the Chair, a meetin wuz to-wunst organized.
The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv
his life. He wuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed
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-- 303 --
[figure description] Page 303.[end figure description]
friend, becoz he appreciated the noble qualities wich wuz so
conspikuous into him, and becoz his arduous services in the
coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the posishun. All these wuz
aside uv and entirely disconnected from the fact that there
wood now be a probability uv his gittin back a little matter uv
nine dollars and sixty-two cents (“Hear! hear!”) wich he hed
loaned him about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed
him well, or larned to love him. But there wuz anuther reason
why he met to rejoice to-nite. It showed that A. Johnson
meant biznis; that A. Johnson wuz troo to the Dimokrasy, and
that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv offishl
thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies,
and to make fight in earnest; that he wuz goin to reward his
friends — them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein
put in condishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Corners
the little sums he owes them is a good thing (“Hear!” “Hear!”
“Troo!” “Troo!” with singular unanimity from every man in
the bildin), but wat wuz sich considerashuns when compared
to the grate moral effect uv the decisive movement? (“A
d—d site!” shouted one grocery keeper, and “We don't want
no moral effect!” cried another.) My friends, when the news
uv this bold step uv the President goes forth to the South, the
price uv Confederit skript will go up, and the shootin uv niggers
will cease; for the redempshun uv the first I consider
ashoored, and the redoosin uv the latter to their normal condishun
I count ez good ez done.
Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered
with emoshun to speak. For four years, nearly five, the only
newspaper wich come to that offis hed passed thro' the polluted
hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed no partikler objecshun to the
misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv tyranny, and so long
ez he sot there, he reminded em that they were wearin chains.
Thank the Lord, that day is over! The Corners is redeemed,
the second Jaxson hez risen, and struck off the shackles. He
wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that
he loaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood
be paid out uv the first money —
Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called the
Squire to order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk
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sich talk. No man cood feel a more heart-felt satisfaction at
the appintment uv our honored friend than him, showin, ez it
did, that the President hed cut loose from Ablishnism, wich he
dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire undertakin to git in
his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht him his
licker for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the first
dig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never —
The other three grocery keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram
rooled em all out uv order, and offered the followin resolutions: —
Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner,
relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted
by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a
sound constooshnel Demokrat — one whom to know is to lend;
therefore, be it
Resolved, That we greet the President, and ashoor him uv
our continyood support and confidence.
Resolved, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction,
so far ez this community is concerned, completed, and that we
feel that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations
with the federal government.
Resolved, That the glorious defence made by the loyal Democracy
uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and
niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white
men shel rule America.
Resolved, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the Government
for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin
anybody.
The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with
three cheers for Johnson and his policy.
Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there
with a note made out for the amount I owed him at three
months. Kindness of heart is a weakness uv mine, and I signed
em all, feelin that ef the mere fact of writin my name wood do
em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object to the little
labor required. Bless their innocent soles! they went away
happy.
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-- 305 -- p635-334
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The next mornin I took possesshun uv the offis.
“Am I awake, or am I dreamin?” thought I. No, no! it is
no dream. Here is the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is
the commishun! It is troo! it is troo!
I heerd a child, across the way, singin, —
“I'd like to be a angel,
And with the angels stand.”
I woodn't, thought I. I woodn't trade places with an angel,
even up. A Offis with but little to do, with four grocerys
within a stone's throw, is ez much happiness ez my bilers will
stand without bustin. A angel forsooth!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CXII. THE CONVOCATION OF HUNGRY SOULS AT PHILADELPHIA. — A DESCRIPTION OF THAT MEMORABLE OCCASION BY ONE WHO HAD BEEN PROVIDED FOR.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
August 14, 1866.
*Peace is into me. I hev spent many happy periods in the
course uv a eventful life; but I never knowd what perfeck
satisfaction wuz till now. The first week I wuz married to my
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Looizer Jane it wuz heavenly; for, independent uv the other
blisses incident to the married state, I beleeved that she wuz
the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her father wuz,
wich, on the old man's decease, wood be hern, and the prospeck
uv a lifetime with a amiable, well-built woman, with a
farm big enough to support me, with prudence on her part,
wuz bliss itself; and I enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness
rarely ekaled, until I found out that it wuz kivered more
deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely to be with
crops, and my dream uv happiness bustid. Sweet ez wuz this
week, it wuz misery condensed when compared to the season
I hev jest passed through.
I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elected nor
nothin, and hedn't any credentials; but the door uv the wigwam
I passed, nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat,
and my breath helped me; my nose, wich reely blossoms like
the lobster, wuz uv yoose; but I spect my hevin a gray coat
on, with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto it, wuz wat
finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uv
me; but the Northern ones, bless their souls! the minnit they
saw the star on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn't do enuff
for me. They addressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed
“this wuz trooly an unmeritid honor,” and paid for my drinks;
and I succeeded in borrowin a hundred and twenty dollars of
em the first day. I mite hev doubled it; but the fellows wuz
took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required, and it really
wuz no amusement.
The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I
ever witnist. I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin
the concern, and I cood see it all. The crowd rushed into the
bildin, and filled it, when Randall desired attention. He bein
the Postmaster General, every one of em dropped into his seat
ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz the most perfeck
quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winked at
Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that
the delegates from South Karliny and the delegates from
Massachoosits wood enter arm in arm! With a slow and
measured step they come in; and, at a signal from Randall,
the cheerin commenst — and sich cheerin! Then Doolittle
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pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes;
and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hankercher,
and applied it to his eyes.
To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life; not that
there wuz anything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore
me, for there wuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked
partikilerly ashamed of hisself, ez though he wuz goin thro a
highly nessary, but extremely disgustin, ceremony, and wuz
determined to keep up a stiff upper lip over it; and Couch
looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, and ez
though he felt flattered by Orr's condecension in walkin at all
with sich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene
wuz significant. I looked into the fucher, and wat did I see,
ez them two men — one sneekin, and tother ashamed uv hisself—
walked up that aisle? Wat did I see? I saw the
Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the reunion
uv the two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic
bird reunited. The North, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky,
the beak, sharp, hungry, and rapacious; South-west, the
strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and claws; Ohio, the
heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach; South Caroliny, the tail
feathers; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird, — I saw
these parts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin
nigger in one claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, “Take
em both together; they go in lots.” I saw the old Union —
the bold, chivelrous Southerner a guidin, controllin, and directin
the machine, and assoomin to hisself the place uv honor,
and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a puppy dog, at
his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; the Southerner
ashamed uv his associations, but forced to yoose em; the
Northerner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him by
self-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when
thirty-four States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em;
and ez I contemplated the scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead
earnest.
“Wat are you blubberin for?” asked a enthusiastic delegate
in front uv me, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a handkercher.
“I'm a Postmaster,” sez I, “and must do my dooty in this
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crisis. Wat are you sheddin pearls for?” retorted I. “Are
you a Postmaster?”
“No,” sez he; “but I hope to be;” and he swabbed away
with renood vigger.
“Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?”
sez I.
“They've all got Post Offisis in em,” sez he; and he worked
away faster than ever.
While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from the
hind coat pocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way,
in my delirious joy, I forgot to say anything to him about), I
looked over the Convenshun, and agin the teers welled up from
my heart. My sole wuz full and overflowin, and I slopped over
at the eyes. There, before me, sat that hero, Dick Taylor, and
Cuth Bullitt; and there wuz the Nelsons and Yeadons, and
the representatives uv the first families uv the South, and in
Philadelphia, at a Convention, with all the leadin Demokrats
uv the North, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz
skulkin around within call, with their watchful eyes on the
perceedins. Here is a prospeck! Here is fatnis! The President
into our confidence! The Postmaster General a runnin
the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the Star
Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody cood complain uv
partiality, or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or
wich side it had been on in the past! Ah! my too susceptible
sole filled up agin; the teers started; but that vent wuznt enuff,
and I fell faintin onto the floor. Twenty or thirty Northern
delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uv the gray coat,
with the brass star onto it, rushed to ketch me; and they bore
me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, “Wat a techin scene! overpowered
by his feelins.” “Yes,” sed another: “he deserves a
apintment.”
I didn't go back to the Convention, coz I knowd it wan't no
yoose; and besides, after all the teers that hed been shed, —
the members wringin their handkerchers onto the floor, — it
wuz sloppy under foot. Conciliation and tenderness gushed
out uv em. I knowd it would be all right; it couldn't be otherwise.
There wuz bonds wich held the members together, and
prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin a
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ambition to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northern
delegashun — wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists —
couldn't do nothin without the Democracy North; and both on
em combined couldn't do nothin without the Democracy South.
The President cood depend on the Democracy North, coz he
holds the offices; the Democracy North cood depend on the
President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cood
depend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a
fight agin a Ablishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly
keepin uv em out, and preventin em from wollopin their
niggers; the Democracy South cood depend on the President,
coz he must hev their Representatives in their seats to beat
the Ablishnists in Congris, — all cood depend on all, each cood
depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe,
hed its little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without
the others to turn the grind-stone.
The Southern delegates, some uv em, wuznt so well pleased.
“What in thunder,” sed one uv em, “did they mean by pilin on
the agony over the Yanks we killed? by pledgin us to give up
the ijee uv seceshen, and by pledgin on us to pay the Nashnel
Yankee debt?”
“'Sh!” sed I; “easy over the rough places. My friend,
they didn't mean it; or, ef they did, we didn't. Is a oath so
hard to break? Wood it trouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge,
after all the times he swore to support the Constitution,
to sware to it wunst more? and wood it trouble him to break
it any more than it did in '61? Nay, verily. Dismiss them
gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz kicked out; but a thousand
mules, and all uv em old and experienced, cooden't kick him out
uv our service. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it's a habit
he's got into doorin the war; but he'll git over it. Raymond
will be on our side this year, certain, for last year he was agin
us; and by the time he is ready to turn agin, he'll be worn to
so small a pint that he won't be worth hevin; and the Democrisy
uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef they wuzzent, the
offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw em like lode stun.
“My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who wuz since
killed in a Fenian raid, employed as a artist in well diggin. It
wuz his lot to go to the bottom uv the excavation and load the
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buckets with earth. The dinner horn sounded, and he, with
the alacrity characteristic uv the race, sprang into the bucket,
and told em to hist away; and they histed. But ez they histed,
they amused theirselves a droppin earth onto him. `Shtop!'
sed he; but they didn't. `Shtop!' sed he, `or, be gorra! I'll
cut the rope.' My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward,
and Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell into in 1860.
Their little talk about debts, and slavery, and sich, is the earth
they're droppin onto us for fun; but shel we, like ijeots, cut
the rope? Nary! Let em hist; and when we're safe out,
and on solid ground, we kin, ef we desire, turn and chuck em
into the hole.”
All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for they carried
home with em their commishuns; I, feelin that my Post office
wuz sekoor; for, ef with the show we've got, we can't reëlect
Johnson, the glory uv the Democracy hez departed indeed.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.,
(wich is postmaster.)
eaf635n55* The famous Philadelphia convention, in 1866, was the most gigantic farce
ever played upon the political stage. An old political manager, Randall, engineered
it, and did his best to make it impress the people, but it was an impossibility.
The dead politicians of the twenty years previous seized this opportunity
to air themselves, and their presence was sufficient to kill it. The entrance
of Couch of Massachusetts and Orr of South Carolina, arm-in-arm, was intended
to be a particularly impressive scene, but the people put the proper estimate
upon the claptrap, and laughed where they should have wept! The only
effect of the gathering was a loud guffaw from Maine to the Ohio River. Mr.
Nasby very accurately describes the personnel of the convention.
CXIII. THE GREAT PRESIDENTIAL EXCURSION TO THE TOMB OF DOUGLAS. — FROM WASHINGTON TO DETROIT.
At the Biddle House (wich is in Detroit, Michigan), }
September the 4th, 1866.
*Step by step I am ascendin the ladder uv fame; step by step
I am climbin to a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz
summoned to Washington by that eminently grate and good
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man, Androo Johnson, to attend a consultation ez to the proposed
Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the purpose
uv arousin the masses uv the West to a sense uv the danger
wich wuz threatnin uv em in case they persisted in centralizin
the power uv the Government into the hands uv a Congress,
instid uv diffusin it throughout the hands uv one man, wich is
Johnson. I got there too late to take part in the first uv the
discussion. When I arrove they hed everything settled cepting
the appintment uv a Chaplain for the excursion. The President
insisted upon my fillin that position, but Seward objected.
He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly agin him. “I
am determined,” sez he, “to carry out my policy, but I hev
some bowels left. Beecher hez done enuff already, considerin
the pay he got. No, no! he shel be spared this trip; indeed
he shel.”
“Very good,” said Seward; “but at least find some clergyman
who endorses us without hevin P. M. to his honored name.
It wood look better.”
“I know it wood,” replied Johnson; “but where kin we find
sich a one? I hev swung around the entire circle, and heven't
ez yet seen him. Nasby it must be.”
There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before
the procession started, of removin all the Federal offis-holders
on the proposed route, and appintin men who bleeved in us
(Johnson, Beecher, and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable
recepshun at each pint at wich we wuz to stop. The
Anointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, “Them ez won't support
my policy shan't eat my bread and butter.” Randall and
Doolittle chimed in, for it's got to be a part of their religion to
assent to whatever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I
owe a duty to the party, and I am determined to do it.
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“Most High,” sez I, “a settin hen wich is lazy makes no fuss;
cut its head off, and it flops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln's
office-holders are settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yoor
policy, but while they are on their nests, they will keep moderitly
quiet. Cut off their heads, and they will spurt their blood
in your face. Ez to bein enshoord of a reception at each point,
you need fear nothing. Calkulatin moderately, there are at
least twenty-five or thirty patriots who feel a call for every
offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them offisis
is held just where they kin see em, and they don't know wich
is to git em, yoo may depend upon the entire enthoosiasm uv
each, individually and collectively. In short, ef there's four
offises in a town, and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev
sekoored four supporters; till yoo make the appointments yoo
hev the hundred who expect to get em.”
The President agreed with me that until after the trip the
gullotine shood stop.
Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood improve
my personal appearance, and akkordingly a cirkular wuz sent
to the clerks in the Departments, assessin em for that purpose.
Sich uv em ez refoosed to contribute their quota wuz instantly
dismissed for disloyalty.
At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up in a highly
conciliatory style. Every wun of the civilians uv the party
wore buzzum pins, et settry, wich wuz presented to em by the
Southern delegates to the Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz
made uv the bones uv Federal soldiers wich hed fallen at various
battles. Sum uv em were partiklerly valuable ez anteeks,
hevin bin made from the bones uv the fust soldiers who fell at
Bull Run.
The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I never saw His
Imperial Highness in better spirits, and he delivered his speech
to better advantage than I ever heard him do it before, and I
bleeve I've heard it a hundred times. We left Noo York sadly.
Even now, ez I write, the remembrance uv that perceshun, the
recollection uv that banquet, lingers around me, and the taste
uv them wines is still in my mouth. But we hed to go. We
hed a mishn to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat
and started.
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Albany. — There wuz a immense crowd, but the Czar uv all
the Amerikas didn't get orf his speech here. The Governor
welcomed him, but he welcomed him ez the Cheef Magistrate
uv the nashen, and happened to drop in Lincoln's name. That
struck a chill over the party, and the President got out uv it
ez soon ez possible. Bein reseeved ez Chief Magistrate, and
not ez the great Pacificator, ain't His Eggslency's best holt.
It wuz unkind uv Governor Fenton to do it. If he takes the
papers, he must know that His Mightiness ain't got but one
speech, and he ought to hev made sich a reception ez wood
hev enabled him to hev got it off. We shook the dust off uv
our feet, and left Albany in disgust.
Skenactady. — The people uv this delightful little village
wuz awake when the Imperial train arrived. The changes
hadn't bin made in the offices here, and consekently there wuz
a splendid recepshun. I didn't suppose there wuz so many
patriots along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out by sum one ez
the President's private adviser — a sort uv private Secretary
uv State; and after the train started, I found jest 211 petitions
for the Post Offis in Skenactedy in my side coat pocket, wich
the patriots who hed hurrahed so vocifferously hed dexterously
deposited there. The incident wuz a movin one. “Thank
God!” thought I. “So long ez we hev the post offices to give,
we kin alluz hev a party.” The Sultan swung around the cirkle
wunst here, and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, the
train moved off.
Utica. — The President spoke here with greater warmth,
and jerked more originality than I hed before observed. He
introdoost here the remark that he didn't come to make a
speech; that he wuz goin to shed a tear over the tomb uv
Douglas; that, in swingin around the circle, he hed fought
traitors on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shood leave
the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr wuz wanted, he
wuz ready to die with neetness and dispatch.
Rome. — Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and I never
heard His Majesty speek more felicitously. He menshuned to
the audience that he hed swung around the Southern side uv
the cirkle, and wuz now swingin around the Northern side uv
it, and that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. He left the
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[figure description] Page 314.[end figure description]
Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye. I received
at this pint only 130 petitions for the post office, wich I took
ez a bad omen for the comin election.
Lockport. — The President is improvin wonderfully. He
rises with the occasion. At this pint he mentioned that he
wuz sot on savin the country wich hed honored him. Ez for
himself, his ambishn wuz more than satisfied. He hed bin
Alderman, Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman, Senator,
Military Governor, Vice-President, and President. He hed
swung around the entire circle uv offises, and all he wanted
now wuz to heal the wounds uv the nashen. He felt safe in
leavin the Constooshn in their hands. Ez he swung around
the cirkle —
At this pint I interrupted him. I told him that he hed swung
around the cirkle wunst in this town, and ez yooseful ez the
phrase wuz, it might spile by too much yoose.
At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water. Here is the
post to which the devil uv Ablishnism is chained, and his chain
is long enough to let him rage over neerly the whole State. I
am pained to state that the President wuzn't treated here with
the respeck due his station. He commenst deliverin his
speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribald laffture. Skasely
hed he got to the pint uv swingin around the cirkle, when a
foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled “Veto!” and another vocifferated
“Noo Orleans!” and another remarked “Memphis!”
and one after another interruption occurred until His Highness
wuz completely turned off the track, and got wild. He forgot
his speech, and struck out crazy, but the starch wuz out uv
him, and he wuz worsted. Grant, wich we hed taken along to
draw the crowds, played dirt on us here, and stepped onto a
boat for Detroit, leavin us only Farragut ez a attraction, who
tried twice to git away ditto, but wuz timely prevented. The
President recovered his ekanimity, and swung around the cirkle
wunst, and leavin the Constooshn in their hands, retired.
At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but one man at
the station. He wuz dressed with a sash over his shoulder,
and wuz wavin a flag with wun hand, firin a saloot with a
revolver with the other, and playin “Hail to the Chief!” on a
mouth organ, all to-wunst.
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“Who are you, my gentle friend?” sez I.
“I'm the newly-appinted Postmaster, sir,” sez he. “I'm a
perceshun a waitin here to do honor to our Cheef Magistrate,
all alone, sir. There wuz twenty Johnsonians in this hamlet,
sir; but when the commishn came for me, the other nineteen
wuz soured, and sed they didn't care a d—n for him nor his
policy, sir. Where is the President?”
Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for this one
man, and leave the Constooshn in his hands, but Seward
checked him.
At Fremont we hed a handsome recepshun, for the offises
hevn't bin changed there, but Toledo didn't do so well. The
crowd didn't cheer Androo much, but when Farragut wuz
trotted out they gave him a rouser, wich wuz anything but
pleasin to the Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen, who bleeves
in bein respected.
Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Democratic city,
the President wuz hisself agin. His speech here wuz wun uv
rare merit. He gathered together in one quiver all the sparklin
arrows he had used from Washington to this point, and shot
em one by one. He swung around the cirkle; he didn't come
to make a speech; he hed bin Alderman uv his native town;
he mite hev been Dicktater, but woodent; and ended with a
poetickal cotashun wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez near ez
I cood understand, wuz, —
“Kum wun, kum all; this rock shel fly
From its firm base — in a pig's eye.”
Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we start onward,
and shel continue swingin around the cirkle till we reach
Chicago.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.
eaf635n56* The famous tour of President Johnson was undertaken ostensibly in response
to an invitation to assist in the ceremony of laying the corner stone of a monument
to the lamented Stephen A. Douglas, but really its object was to strengthen
the Johnson movement. The President believed that his personal presence
would stimulate his followers and overawe the opposition. General Grant and
Admiral Farragut were invited to join the party in such a way as to make a
refusal a very unpleasant matter, and the President, who had a high opinion of
his power before popular audiences, expected to convert the crowds which
were certain to assemble to see these great warriors. The speeches he made on
the trip are scarcely caricatured in the text. It was in this instance, as in the
Philadelphia Convention. The ring of office-holders in each town through
which the party passed, organized a “tribute” to the President, and the people
assembled in masses to do honor to Grant and Farragut, but invariably the
President was greeted with unequivocal tokens of disapprobation. The venture
was a ludicrous failure, and is fairly described in the text.
-- 316 -- p635-345
CXIV. THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR CONTINUED. — FROM DETROIT TO INDIANAPOLIS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 11, 1866.
[figure description] Page 316.[end figure description]
I am at home, and glad am I that I am at home. Here in
Kentucky, surrounded by Dimicrats, immersed a part of the
time in my offishel dooties, and the balance uv the time in
whiskey, with the privilege uv wallopin niggers, and the more
inestimable and soothing privilege uv assistin in mobbin uv
Northern Ablishnists, who are not yet all out uv the State,
time passes pleasantly, and leaves no vain regrets. I alluz go
to bed at nite, feelin that the day hez not bin wasted.
From Detroit the Presidential cavalcade, or ez the infamous
Jacobin Radical party irrevelently term it, the menajery,
proceeded to Chicago. The recepshuns his Imperial Highniss
received through Michigan were flatterin in the extreme. I
continue my diary: —
Ipslanty. — At this pint the President displayed that originality
and fertility uv imaginashun karacteristic uv him. The
recepshun wuz grand. The masses called for Grant, and His
Highness promptly responded. He asked em, ef he wuz Judis
Iskariot who wuz the Saviour? Thad Stevens? If so, then
after swingin around the cirkle, and findin traitors at both
ends of the line, I leeve the thirty-six States with thirty-six
stars onto em in yoor hands, and —
The train wuz off amid loud shouts uv “Grant! Grant!” to
wich the President responded by wavin his hat.
Ann Arbor. — At this pint the train moved in to the inspiring
sounds uv a band playin “Hale to the Cheef.” Vocifrous
cries uv “Grant! Grant!” His Majesty smilinly appeared
and thanked em for the demonstration. It wuz soothin, he
remarked. The air their band wuz playin, “Hail to the Chief,”
wuz appropit, ez he wuz Chief Magistrate uv the nashen, to
wich posishen he hed reached, hevin bin Alderman uv his
native village, U. S. Senator, et settry. The crowd hollered
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[figure description] Page 317.[end figure description]
“Grant! Grant!” and the President thanked em for the
demonstration. It showed him that the people wuz with him
in his efforts to close his eyes on a Union uv thirty-six States
and a flag uv thirty-six stars onto it. Ef I am a traitor, sed he,
warmin up, who is the Judis Iscariot? Ez I'm swingin around
the cirkle, I find Thad Stevens on the one side and Jeff Davis
on the —
The conductor cruelly started the train, without givin him
time to finish. The crowd proposed three cheers for Grant,
and the President waved his hat to em, sayin that he thanked
em, showin as it did that the people wuz with him.
Battle Creek. — A large number was assembled here, who,
ez the train stopped, yelled “Grant! Grant!” Affected to
tears by the warmth uv the reception, the President thanked em
for this mark of confidence. Ef he ever hed any doubts ez to
the people's bein with him, these doubts wuz removed. He
wood leave in their hands the flag and the Union uv thirty-six
States, and the stars thereto appertainin. Ef he wuz a Joodis
Iskariot who wuz —
The crowd gave three hearty cheers for Grant ez the
train moved off, to wich the President responded by wavin
his hat.
Kalamazoo. — The offishels were on hand at this pint, and
so wuz the people — four offishels and several thousand people,
which the latter greeted us with cheers for Grant! Grant!
The President responded, sayin, that in swingin around the
cirkle, he hed bin called Joodis Iskariot for sacrificin uv hisself
for the people! Who wuz the Saviour? Wuz Thad
Stevens? No! Then cleerly into yoor hands I leave the
Constitution uv thirty-six stars with thirty-six States onto
em, intact and undissevered.
The offishels received the Stars and Stripes, and amid cheers
for Grant, for which the President thanked em, the train glode
off magestically.
And so on to Chicago, where we didn't git off our speech,
though from the manner in wich the people hollered Grant!
Grant! we felt cheered at realizin how much they wuz with
us. His eminence wanted to sling the thirty-six States and
the flag with the stars on em, but ez General Logan wuz
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[figure description] Page 318.[end figure description]
there, ready to fling it back, it wuz deemed highly prudent
not to do it.
*Here my trials commenst. At the Biddle House, in Detroit,
the nigger waiters showed how much a Afrikin kin be spiled
by bein free. They hed the impudence to refoose to wait on us,
and for a half hour the imperial stumick wuz forced to fast.
This alarmin manifestation uv negro malignancy alarmed His
Eggsalency. “Thank God!” sed he, “that I vetoed the Freedmen's
Buroo Bill. I hev bin Alderman uv my native town —
I hev swung around the entire cirkle, but this I never dreemed
uv. What would they do if they hed their rites? The incident
made an impression onto him, and at Chicago he resolved to
trust em no longer. He ordered his meals to his room, and sent
for me. “My friend,” sed he, “taste everything onto this table.”
“Why? my liege,” sed I.
“Niggers is cooks,” sed he, “and this food may be pizoned.
They hate me, for I ain't in the Moses bizness. Taste, my
friend.”
“But spozn,” sed I, “that it shood be pizoned? Wat uv my
bowels? My stumick is uv ez much valyoo to me ez yourn is
to yoo.”
“Nasby,” sed he, “taste! Ef yoo die, who mourns? Ef I
die, who'd swing around the cirkle? Who'd sling the flag and
the thirty-six stars at the people, who'd leave the Constooshn
in their hands? The country demands the sacrifice; and
besides, ef yoo don't, off goes yoor offishl head.”
That last appele fetched me. Ruther than risk that offis I'd
chaw striknine, for uv what akkount is a Dimokrat, who hez
wunst tasted the sweets uv place, and is ousted? And from
Chicago on I wuz forced to taste his food and likker — to act
ez a sort uv a litenin-rod to shed off the vengeance uv the
nigger waiters. I wood taste uv every dish and drink from
each bottle, and ef I didn't swell up and bust in fifteen minits
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His serene Highness wood take hold. I suffered several
deaths. I resoom my diary: —
Joliet. — The crowd wuz immense. The peasantry, ez the
train approached, rent the air with shouts uv “Grant!”
“Grant!” His Potency, the President, promptly acknowledged
the compliment. He wuz sacrificin hisself for them —
who hed made greater sacrifices? He hed bin Alderman uv
his native town, and Vice-President; he wuz too modest to
make a speech, but ef he wuz Joodas Iskariot, who wuz the
Saviour? He hed swung around the cirkle, and hedn't found
none so far. He left in their hands the —
And so on, until near St. Louis, when we penetrated a Dimocratic
country, uv wich I informed his Majesty. “How
knowest thou?” sez he. “I observe,” sez I, “in the crowds a
large proportion uv red noses, and hats with the tops off. I
notice the houses unpainted, with pig pens in front ov em;
and what is more, I observe that crowds compliment yoo direct,
instead of doin it, ez heretofore, over Grant's shoulders. The
Knights uv the Golden Cirkle, wich I spect is the identical
cirkle yoo've bin swingin around lately, love yoo and approach
yoo confidently.”
The President brisked up, and from this to Indianapolis he
spoke with a flooidity I never observed in him before. I may
say, to yoose a medikle term, that he had a hemorrhage uv
words. At the latter city our reception was the most flatrin
uv eny we hev experienced. The people, when the President
appeared on the balcony uv the Bates House, yelled so vociferously
for Grant, that the President, when he stepped forward
to acknowledge the compliment, coodent be heard at all. He
waved his hat; and the more he waved it the more complimentary
the crowd became. “Grant!” “Grant!” they yelled;
and the more the President showed himself the more they yelled
Grant, until, overpowered by the warmth uv the recepshun,
and unwilling to expose his health, the President retired without
slingin a speech at em, but entirely satisfied that the people
wuz with him.
The next mornin the office-holders uv the State, without the
people, assembled, and he made his regler speech to em, wich
appeared to be gratifyin to both him and them. The President
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does not like to sleep with a undelivered speech on his mental
stumick. It gives him the nitemare.
Here I left the party, for a short time, that I mite go home
and attend to my official dooties. There is five Northern
families near the Corners wich must hev notice to leave, and
eight niggers to hang. I hed orders to report to the party
somewhere between Looisville and Harrisburgh, wich I shall
do, ez, travelin by order, I get mileage and sich.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.
eaf635n57* At Detroit the colored voters refused to serve the President. At Indianapolis
his reception was anything but flattering. The excitable people were
wrought up to the pitch of replying to him in terms anything but complimentary,
and the meeting broke up in disorder. The office-holders made amends,
however, for they assembled the next morning, and he made his speech to
them.
CXV. THE END OF THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR. — FROM LOUISVILLE TO WASHINGTON.
White House, Washington, D. C., }
September 12, '66.
*I rejined the Presidenshel party at Looisville, and glad I am
that I did it at that pint. His Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased
ever sence he left Chicago, or rather sence he got near St.
Loois, for two thirds uv Illinois wuz pizen, and Indianapolis
wuz pizener. From St. Loois the recepshuns wuz trooly corjel
and even enthoosiastic. We got out uv the region uv aristocrats,
and hed come down to the hard-fisted yomanry. I seed
holes thro the hats uv men; I seed wat mite be called the flag
uv Democrisy wavin from behind em, which, ez they genrally
either had no coats at all, or if any, they were roundabouts,
wuz alluz in view. I saw wimen who disdained stockins and
dipped snuff, and I felt to home. I wuz among Democracy.
The cheerin for Grant and Farragut closed ez we got into
them regions, and uv the vociferous crowds half uv em, the
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[figure description] Page 321.[end figure description]
younger ones, cheered Andrew Johnson, while the old veterans,
them whose noses wuz blossomin for the tomb, cheered for
Andrew Jackson. His Serenity smilinly acknowledged both,
by makin a speech to em, and wavin his hat.
With these preliminary remarks I resoom my diary: —
Louisville. — There wuz a magnificent demonstration here.
His Imperial Majesty, who wuz in a eggslent condition to make
crowds large enough, remarked to me as we wuz ridin through
the streets, “'Splen 'splay! 'Mor'n ten 'unerd sousand people—
mor'n ten million people — mor'n ten 'unerd million people—
mor'n ten 'unerd sousand million people — and alluvum
'sporters my policy. 'Rah for me!”
His Majesty ondoubtedly eggsagerated towards the last;
but it is safe to put the throng down at a good many. That
estimate is entirely safe. There wuz the finest display uv
banners and sich I hev seen since we startid. The red, white
and red wuz displayed from almost half the houses, ladies
waved their handkerchiefs ez we passed, and men cheered. A
pleasin incident occurd here. I noticed one gushin maiden uv
thirty-seven wavin her handkercher ez tho she wuz gettin so
much per wave, and had rent to pay that nite. I recognized
her to-wunst. When I wuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted
into the service uv the United States, and clothed in a bobtailed
blue coat, and hed a Oystran muskit put into my unwillin
hands, and forced to fite agin my brethren, our regiment passed
thro Looisville and stayed there some days. I wuz walkin one
afternoon, when I met this identical angel. She saw my bloo
kote, and enraged, spit in my face with sich energy that she
threw out uv her mouth a full sett uv false teeth. I returned
em gallantly, wiped my face with my handkercher, and vowed
that handkercher shood henceforth be kept sacred. It wuz;
and when I seed her wavin hern at our party, I wept like a
Philadelphia Convenshen. I stopped the carriage, met the
patriotic female, called her attention to the incident, and
handed her my handkercher which hed, four years before,
wiped her spittle. The incident gave new vigor to her arms,
and from that time she waved two handerchers, and mine wuz
one uv em. I narrated the incident to the President, and
he wept.
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[figure description] Page 322.[end figure description]
There wuz a large perceshen and a great variety of banners.
Among the most noticeable, wuz a company uv solgers uv the
late war, each with a leg off, dressed in the gray uniforms into
wich they hed bin mustered out, with this motto: “We are
willin to go the other leg for A. Johnson.” Another company
uv solgers, who hed each lost an arm, carried this inscription:
“What we didn't get by bullets, we shel get by ballots.”
The President cut down his speech jest one half here. In
swingin around the cirkle he omitted to menshen that he found
traitors on the Southern side uv it. But he left the constooshn
in their hands cheerfully.
Cincinnati. — A very enthoosiastic recepshun — continyood
and loud cheers for Grant, wich the President acknowledged.
A unsophisticated Postmaster, who jined us here, wanted to
know why the people cheered for Grant instid uv the President,
to wich His Highness answered that they wuz considrit — they
knew his modesty, and wanted to spare his blushes. Another
man, who wuz also unsophisticated, asked him, confidenshelly,
ef he didn't think there wuz a samenis in his speeches, and
that ef he didn't think he'd do better to give a greater variety.
His Eggslency asked him how there cood be more variety.
“At Cincinnati,” sed he, “I observed the followin order: —
“1. I swung around the cirkle; 2. I asked who wuz the
Saviour ef I wuz Joodis Iskariot? 3. I left the Constitooshn,
the thirty-six States, and the flag with thirty-six stars onto it,
in their hands.
“Now, at Columbus, I shel vary it thusly: —
“1. The Constitooshn, flag, and stars. 2. The Joodis Iskariot
biznis. 3. Swingin around the cirkle.
“At Stoobenville, agin, ez follows: —
“1. Joodis Iskariot; 2. Swingin around the cirkle; 3. Constitooshn,
flag, and stars.
“And so on. It's susceptible uv many changes. I thot uv
that when I writ that speech, and divided it up into sections
on purpose.”
Johnstown, Pa. — A bridge fell down, onto wich wuz four
hundred voters, killin a dozen uv em. His Eggslency felt
releeved when heerin uv the axident, at bein asshoored that
there wuzn't wun uv his supporters on the bridge. He
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[figure description] Page 323.[end figure description]
considered it a speshl Providence. The condukter overheerd the
remark, and answered, that ef any uv his supporters wuz
killed in that seckshun they'd have to import wun for the
purpose.
Mifflin, Pa. — A enthoosiastic indivijjle who wants the Post
Office at this place very much, fell on the President's neck, and
wept, hailin him ez the “Preserver uv the Union.” The President
thanked him for this spontaneous triboot, and left in his
hands the Constitooshun, the flag, and the appintment he
desired.
Baltimore. — There wuz a spontaneous recepshun here,
wich wuz gratifying to us. The perceshun wuz immense, and
the mottoes expressive. One division wuz headed by the
identikle indivijooel who fired the first shot at the Massachusetts
men in 1861. He is a ardent supporter uv President
Johnson's policy. One flag wuz capchered from a Injeany
regiment at the first Bull Run, at wich the President wept.
“Things is becomin normal,” sed he, “when the people will
stand that. Wat love! — wat unity! The flags uv both secshuns,
wich was lately borne by foes, now minglin in the same
proceshun, and all uv em cheerin ME.”
At last we arrived at Washinton, hevin swung entirely round
the cirkle, and found traitors North and South. The demonstrashen
to greet the President on his arrival wuz immense.
The clerks in all the departments wuz out (at least them ez
wuzn't will wish they hed bin, ez their names wuz all taken),
the solgers on duty wuz ordered out, and altogether it wuz
the most spontaneous exhibition I ever witnest. The Mayor
made a speech. The President asked if he wuz Joodis Iscariot
who wuz the Saviour — told him he had swung around the
entire cirkle, and hed found traitors on all sides uv it, though
sence he left Cleveland, Chicago, and Indianapolis he wuz
satisfied there wuz the heft uv them in the North; but be this
ez it may, he left the Constooshn, and the thirty-six States, and
the flag with thirty-six stars onto it, in his hands. He had bin
Alderman uv his native village, and Congressman, and United
States Senator, and Vice-President, and President, wich latter
circumstance he considered forchinit, but wuz, after all, an
Humble Indivij'le. He didn't feel his oats much, and wood do
-- 324 -- p635-353
[figure description] Page 324.[end figure description]
his dooty agin traitors North, ez well as agin his misguided
friends South. So ended the Presidential excursion.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.
P. S. I forgot to menshun that at Chicago we laid the
corner-stone uv a monument to Douglas. The occurence hed
entirely slipped my memory.
P. V. N.
eaf635n58* The President's longing for a hearty reception was gratified at Louisville.
The people of that city hurrahed for no one else. In that city Grant and
Farragut were ignored.
CXVI. AT HOME AGAIN. — A DETAILED ACCOUNT OF SOUL-HARROWING OUTRAGES INFLICTED UPON THE PEOPLE OF CONFEDERATE × ROADS BY A PARTY OF FREEDMEN, AND HOW THE INSULT WAS WIPED OUT.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 16, 1866.
I found my flock in a terrible state uv depression, at which,
when I was told the cause, I didn't wonder at. There wuz,
back uv the Corners, over towards Garrettstown, about three
quarters uv a mile this side of Abbott's grocery (we estimate
distance here from one grocery to another), five or six families
uv niggers. The males of this settlement had all been in the
the Federal army ez soljers, and hed saved their pay, and
bounty, and sich, and hed bought uv a disgustid Confederate,
who proposed to find in Mexico that freedom which was denied
him here, and who, bein determined to leave the country, didn't
care who he sold his plantashen to, so ez he got greenbax,
three hundred acres, wich they hed divided up, and built
cabins onto em, and wuz a cultivatin it. There wuz a store-keeper
at the Corners who come here from Illinoy, and who
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[figure description] Page 325.[end figure description]
hed been so greedy uv gain and so graspin ez to buy their
prodoose uv em, and sell em sich supplies ez they needed.
These accursed sons and daughters uv Ham wuz a livin there
in comfort. The thing wuz a gittin unendoorable. They
come to the Corners dressed in clothes without patches, and
white shirts, and hats on; and the females in dresses, and
hoops under em; in short, these apes hed assoomed so much uv
the style uv people that ef it hadn't bin for their black faces,
they wood have passed for folks.
Our people become indignant, and ez soon ez I returned, I
was requested to call a meetin to consider the matter, which I
uv course did.
The horn wuz tootid, and the entire Corners wuz assembled,
excepting the Illinoy store-keeper, who didn't attend to us
much. I stated briefly and elokently (I hev improved in public
speakin sense I heered His Serene Highness, Androo the I., all
the way from Washinton to Looisville), and asked the brethren
to ease their mind.
Squire Gavitt hed observed the progress uv them niggers
with the most profoundest alarm. He hed noticed em coming
to the Corners, dressed better than his family dressed, and
sellin the produx uv their land to that wretch —
At this point the Illinoy store-keeper come in, and the Squire
proceeded.
— he shood say Mr. Pollock, and he hed made inquiries, and
found that one family hed sold three hundred and seventy-five
dollars worth uv truck, this season, uv which they hed laid out
for clothes and books two hundred dollars, leavin em one hundred
and seventy-five dollars in cash, which was more money
than he had made sense the accursed Linkin passed the
emancipashen proclamation. And what hed driv the iron into
his soul wuz the fact that wun uv them niggers wuz his nigger.
“The money they hev,” pursood the Squire, “is MY MONEY;
that man worth $1500 is my man; his wife is my woman; her
children my children —”
“That's a literal fact!” shouted Joe Bigler, a drunken, returned
Confederate sojer; “they hev yoor nose exactly, and
they're the meanest yaller brats in the settlement.”
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[figure description] Page 326.[end figure description]
This unhappy remark endid in a slite unpleasantness, wich
resulted in the Squire's bein carried out, minus one ear, and
his nose smashed. Joseph remarked that he'd wantid to git at
him ever sense he woodn't lend him a half dollar two months
ago. He was now satisfied, and hoped this little episode
woodn't mar the harmony uv the meetin.
Elder Smathers observed that he hed noticed with pain that
them niggers alluz hed money, and wuz alluz dresst well, while
we, their sooperiors, hed no money, and nothin to boast uv in
the way uv close. He wood say —
Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, put in. Ef the Elder wood
work ez them niggers wuz workin, and not loaf over half the
time at Bascom's grocery, he mite possibly hev a hull soot uv
close, and now and then a dollar in money. It wuz here, ez it
wuz in all strikly Dimekratic communities, the grocery keepers
absorb all the floatin capital, and —
He wuz not allowed to proceed. Bascom flung a chair at
him, and four or five uv his constitooents fell on him. He wuz
carried out for dead. Bascom remarked that he wuz for the
utmost freedom uv speech, but in the discussion uv a great
Constooshnel question, no Illinoy Ablishnist shood put in his
yawp. The patriotic remark wuz cheered, but when Bascom
ask't the whole meetin out to drink, the applause wuz uproarious.
Bascom alluz gets applause; he knows how to move an
audience.
Deekin Pogram sed he'd bore with them niggers till his
patience wuz gin out. He endoored it till last Sunday. After
service he felt pensive, ruther, and walked out towards Garrettstown,
meditatin, as he went, on the sermon he hed listened
to that mornin on the necessity uv the spread of the Gospil.
Mournin in sperit over the condition of the heathen, he didn't
notis where he wuz till he found hisself in the nigger settlement,
and in front uv one uv their houses. There he saw a
site wich paralyzed him. There wuz a nigger, wich wuz wunst
his nigger, — wich Linkin deprived him uv, — settin under his
porch, and a profanin the Holy Bible by teachin his child to
read it! “Kin this be endoored?” the Deekin asked.
Deekin Parkins sed he must bear his unworthy testimony
-- 327 --
[figure description] Page 327.[end figure description]
agin these disturbers. They hed — he knowd whereof he
spoke — hired a female woman from Massachusetts to teach
their children! He hed bin in their skool-room, and with his
own eyes witnest it.
Bascom, the grocery keeper, hed bin shocked at their
conduct. He wuz convinct that a nigger wuz a beast. They
come to the Corners to sell the produx of their lands; do they
leave their money at his bar? Nary! They spend sum uv it
at the store uv a disorganizer from Illinoy, who is here interferin
with the biznis uv troo Southern men, but he hed never
seed one uv em inside his door. He hed no pashence with
em, and believed suthin shood be done to rid the community
uv sich yooseless inhabitance. Ef they ever git votes they'r
agin us. No man who dodges my bar ever votes straight
Dimocrisy.
Ginral Punt moved that this meetin do to-wunst proceed to
the settlement, and clean em out. They wuz a reproach to
Kentucky. Of course, ez they were heathens and savages,
sich goods ez they hed wood fall to the righteous, uv whom we
wuz which, and he insisted upon a fair divide. All he wanted
wuz a bureau and a set uv chairs he hed seen.
The motion wuz amendid to inclood Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper,
and it wuz to-wunst acted upon.
Pollock wuz reconstructed first. Filled with zeal for the
right, his door wuz bustid in, and in a jiffy the goods wich he
wuz a contaminatin our people with wuz distributed among
the people, each takin sich ez sooted em. Wun man sejested
that ez they wuz made by Yankees, and brought South by
Yankees, there wuz contaminashen in the touch uv em, and
that they be burned, but he wuz hooted down, our people
seein a distinction. The contaminashen wuz in payin for em;
gittin em gratooitusly took the cuss off.
Elated, the crowd started for the settlement. I never saw
more zeal manifested. A half hour brought us there, and then
a scene ensood wich filled me with joy onspeekable. The niggers
wuz routed out, and their goods wuz bundled after em.
The Bibles and skool books wuz destroyed first, coz we hed no
use for em; their chairs, tables, and bureaus, clothin and
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[figure description] Page 328.[end figure description]
beddin, wuz distributed. A woman hed the impudence to beg for
suthin she fancied, when the righteous zeal uv my next door
neighbor, Pettus, biled over, and he struck her. Her husband,
forgettin his color, struck Pettus, and the outrage wuz completed.
A nigger hed raised his hand agin a white man!
The insulted Caucashen blood riz, and in less than a minnit
the bodies uv six male Ethiopians wuz a danglin in the air, and
the bodies uv six Ethiopian wimin wuz layin prostrate on the
earth. The children wuz spared, for they wuz still young, and
not hevin bin taught to read so far that they cood not forgit it,
ef kept carefully from books, they kin be brought up in their
proper speer, ez servance to their brethern. (By the way, the
inspired writer must hev yoosed this word “brethern,” in this
connection, figeratively. The nigger, bein a beast, cannot be
our brother.) Some may censure us for too much zeal in this
matter, but what else cood we hev done? We are high toned,
and can't stand everything. These niggers hed no rite to
irritate us by their presence. They knowd our feelins on the
subjick, and by buyin land and remainin in the vicinity, they
kindled the flame wich resulted ez it did. Ez they did in
Memphis and Noo Orleans, they brought their fate onto their
own heads.
Pollock recovered, and with the Yankee school marm who
wuz a teechin the niggers, left for the North yisterday.
It speeks well for the forbearance uv our people that they
wuz permitted to depart at all.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn.
-- 329 -- p635-358
Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1872], The struggles (social, financial and political) of Petroleum V. Nasby... embracing his trials and troubles, ups and downs, rejoicings and wailings; likewise his views of men and things; together with the lectures Cussed be Canaan, The struggles of a conservative with the woman question, and In search of the man of sin. With an introduction by Hon. Charles Sumner. Illustrated by Thomas Nast... (I. N. Richardson and Company, Boston) [word count] [eaf635T].
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