I survived the defeat uv Breckinridge in 1860, becoz I
knowd the Dimokrasy cood raise up in arms agin the unconstooshnality
uv electin a seckshnal President, who wuz impregnatid
with any seckshnal ijees that he got north uv Mason and
Dixon's line.

I survived the defeat uv Micklellan (who wuz, trooly, the
nashen's hope and pride likewise), becoz I felt ashoored that
the rane uv the goriller Linkin wood be a short wun; that in a
few months, at furthest, Ginral Lee wood capcher Washinton,
depose the ape, and set up there a constooshnal guverment,
based upon the great and immutable trooth that a white man is
better than a nigger.

I survived the loss uv Atlanty, and Savanner, and Charleston,
becoz, dependin on Suthern papers, I bleeved that them
places wuz given up — mind, given up — becoz the Confedrits
desired to concentrate for a crushin blow.

I survived the fall uv Richmond, tho it wuz a staggerer;
becoz I still hed faith that that grate and good man, Lee, did it
for stratejy, that he mite concentrate hisself sumwhere else;
and when the Ablishnists jeered me, and sed “Richmond,” and
“Go up, bald head,” to me, I shook my fist at em, and sed,
“Wait, and you'll see.”

I wuz a lookin for the blow that wuz to foller this concentratin.
It cum!

But it wuz us who reseeved it, and a death blow it wuz.

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Ajacks defied the litenin; cood he hev bin a Northern Dimekrat,
and stood this lick unmoved, he mite hev done it with
perfect safety.

“Lee surrendered!”

Good hevins! Is this the end uv the concentratin? Is this
the dyin in the last ditch? Is this the fightin till the last man
wuz a inanimate corpse? Is this the bringin up the childrin
to take their places, ez the old ones peg out under Yankee
bullets?

“Lee surrendered!”

Why, this ends the biznis. Down goes the curtain. The
South is conkered! CONKERED!! CONKERED!!! Linkin rides
into Richmond! A Illinois rail-splitter, a buffoon, a ape, a
goriller, a smutty joker, sets hisself down in President Davis's
cheer, and rites despatches! Where are the matrons uv Virginia?
Did they not bare their buzzums and rush onto the
Yankee bayonets that guarded the monster? Did they not
cut their childern's throtes, and wavin a Confedrit flag in one
hand, plunge a meat-knife into their throbbin buzzums with
the tother, rather than see their city dishonored by the tread
uv a conkerer's foot? Alars! not wunst.

Per contrary! I read in the papers that they did rush
wildly thro the streets, with their childern in their arms.

But it wuz at the Yankee commissary trains, who give em
bread and meat, wich they eat vociferously.

Their buzzums was bare.

But it wuz becoz their close hed worn out, and they didn't
know how to weave cloth for new wuns.

In breef, they actid about ez mean ez a Northern Dimekrat
ever did, and to go lower is unnessary.

This ends the chapter. The confederasy hez at last concentratid
its last concentrate. It's dead. It's gathered up its feet,
sed its last words, and deceest. And with it the Dimokrasy
hez likewise given up the ghost. It may survive this, but I
can't see how. We staked our politikle fortune on it; we
went our bottom dollar on it; it's gone up, and we ditto. Linkin
will serve his term out — the tax on whiskey won't be
repealed — our leaders will die off uv chagrin, and delirium
tremens, and inability to live so long out uv offis, and the sheep

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will be scattered. Farewell, vane world. I'll embrace the
Catholic faith and be a nun, and in a cloister find that rest that
pollytics kin never give.