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Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1872], The struggles (social, financial and political) of Petroleum V. Nasby... embracing his trials and troubles, ups and downs, rejoicings and wailings; likewise his views of men and things; together with the lectures Cussed be Canaan, The struggles of a conservative with the woman question, and In search of the man of sin. With an introduction by Hon. Charles Sumner. Illustrated by Thomas Nast... (I. N. Richardson and Company, Boston) [word count] [eaf635T].

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Front matter Covers, Edges and Spine

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Preliminaries

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Title Page THE STRUGGLES
(SOCIAL, FINANCIAL AND POLITICAL)
OF
Petroleum V. Nasby, SOMETIME PASTOR OF THE “CHURCH UV THE SLAWTERD INNOCENTS”
(LAIT ST. VALLANDIGUM), WINGERT'S CORNERS, OHIO, AND OF THE
“CHURCH UV THE NOO DISPENSASHUN,” SAINT'S REST, NEW
JERSEY; “PERFESSER UV BIBLIKLE POLITY IN THE
SOUTHERN MILITARY AND CLASSIKLE INSTITOOT,”
AND LATE POSTMASTER (UNDER A. JOHNSON)
AT CONFEDERATE × ROADS, “WICH IS
IN THE STAIT UV KENTUCKY.”
EMBRACING
His Trials and Troubles, Ups and Downs, Rejoicings and Wailings;
LIKEWISE
HIS VIEWS OF MEN AND THINGS.
TOGETHER WITH THE LECTURES
“CUSSID BE CANAAN,” “THE STRUGGLES OF A CONSERVATIVE
WITH THE WOMAN QUESTION,” AND “IN SEARCH
OF THE MAN OF SIN.”
WITH AN INTRODUCTION
By HON. CHARLES SUMNER.
ILLUSTRATED BY THOMAS NAST.
SOLD ONLY BY SUBSCRIPTION. BOSTON:
I. N. RICHARDSON AND COMPANY.
1872.

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Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1872,
By D. R. LOCKE,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
ELECTROTYPED AT THE BOSTON STEREOTYPE FOUNDRY,
No. 19 Spring Lane.

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DEDIKASHUN. TO THE
MAN,

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WHOEVER HE MAY BE, WHO SUCCEEDS IN BEIN ELECTED TO THE PRESIDENCY
BY THE DIMOCRATIC PARTY, AND WHO SHALL, IMMEJITLY AFTER HIS
INOGGERASHUN, APPINT ME TO THE POST OFFIS, FROM WICH
THE TYRANT GRANT DISMIST ME, THUS ASURIN AN OLD
DIMOCRAT, WHO NEVER SCRATCHED A TICKET,
AND ALLUZ TOOK HIS LIKKER STRATE
A COMFORTABLE END TO AN
UNCOMFORTABLE CAREER.

THIS VOLUME IS DEDIKATED,
BY THE AUTHOR,
WITH SENTIMENCE OF PROFOUND RESPECT,

PETROLEUM V. NASBY.
Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 15, 1872. Preliminaries

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PREFIS.

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Uv the makin uv books there is no end. The press perpetooally
groans with a burden uv literatoor, and is bein perpetooally
delivered, sometimes to the advantage uv the world,
and sometimes vicy versy. I spose, ef I hed consulted the
literary men uv this country (wich I didn't), they wood hev
sed to me, “Don't publish this book; there's reely no okkashun
for it!” There isn't? Did the capchus adviser see the
state uv my pants? Did he observe the wreckt condishun of
my boots? Is he aware that I am in arrears for board? Not
publish my book! Kin I so far forget my dooty to humanity?
Its publikashen will at least do ONE suffrin man good, and that's
more than half uv the writers kin say. What recks it that
that one is ME? Wat posterity will say, I don't know; neither
do I care. I ain't labrin for posterity; neither did my father,
else I hed bin better off. Posterity may assign me a niche in
the temple uv massive intellex, or may not; it's all one to the subscriber.
I woodn't give a ten-cent postal currency for wat the
next generashen will do for me. It's this generashen I'm goin
for. So much for Buckinham!

I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for amoozement.
There hezn't bin anythin amoozin in Dimocrisy for the past
twelve years, and the standard-bearers, the captins uv fifties
and hundreds, the leaders uv the hosts, hev hed a ruther rough
time uv it. Our prominence made us uncomfortable, for we

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hev bin the mark uv every writer, every orator, ez well ez uv
every egg-thrower, in the country. When that gileless patriot,
Jeems Bookannon, retired to private life, regretted by all who
held office under him, Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon
a period uv darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern brethrin
made for their rites, rendered the position uv us Northern
Dimocrats eggstremely precarious. We coodent go back on
our friends South, for, knowin that peace must come, and that
when it did come we wood hev to, ez in the olden time, look
to them for support and maintenance, it behooved us to keep
on their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but alars!
there were laws agin treason, and two thirds uv the misguided
people North hed got into a way uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy
South had committed that crime, and they intimated that ef
we overstepped the line that divides loyalty from treason by
so much ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd make us suffer;
wich they did religiously. I, alone, hev suffered enuff for
several families uv martyrs.

But I anticipate. Twict doorin the fratrisidle struggle wich
drencht this happy land in goar, I wuz drafted into a service
I detested — twict I wuz torn from the buzzum uv my family,
wich I wuz gittin along well enough, even ef the wife uv my
buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit, and refooze to give me
sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence, preferrin
to squander it upon bread and clothes for the children, — twict,
I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuz forced to
desert to the Dimocrisy uv the South, rather than fite agin em.
When, finally, the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally
shot off, owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv
my gun, wich thumb wuz also accidentally across the muzzle
thereof, and I wuz no longer liable to military dooty, and cood
bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only steered clear uv Scylla
to go bumpin onto Charybdis. I coodent let Dimocrisy alone,
and the eggins — the ridin upon rails — the takin uv the

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oath — but why shood I harrow up the public buzzum? I
stood it all till one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled to
kneel onto my bare knees in the cold snow, the extremity uv
my under garment, wich modesty forbids me to menshun the
name uv it, fluttrin in a Janooary wind, and by a crowd uv
laffin soljers compelled to take the oath and drink a pint uv
raw, undilootid water! That feather broke the back uv the
camel. The oath give me inflamashen uv the brane and the
water inflamashen uv the stumick, and for six long weeks I lay,
a wreck uv my former self. Ez I arose from that bed and saw
in a glass the remains uv my pensive beauty, I vowed to wage
a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich havoc, and I hev
kept my oath.

I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively than any
man sence the time uv Paul. First I established a church uv
Democrats in a little oasis I diskivered in the Ablishn State uv
Ohio, to wit, at Wingert's Corners, where ther wuz four
groceries, but nary church or skool-house within four miles,
and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic, the
grocery keepers hevin mortgages on all the land around em —
but alars! I wuz forced to leeve it after the election of Linkin
in 1864. Noo Jersey bein the only state North wich wuz onsquelched,
to her I fled, and at Saint's Rest (wich is in Noo
Jersey) I erected another tabernacle. There I stayed, and et
and drank and wuz merry, but Ablishnism pursood me thither,
and in the fall uv '65 that State got ornery and cussid, and
went Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz forced
to pull up, and wend my weary way to Kentucky, where,
at Confedrit × Roads, I hoped to spend the few remainin
years uv my life. I wuz happy and contented. Under the
administrashen uv President Johnson, upon whose head blessins,
I wuz livin in the enjoyment uv that end uv the hopes uv
all Democrats, a Post Offis, with four well-regulated groceries
within a stun's throw, and a distillery ornamentin the landscape

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only a quarter uv a mile from where I rite these lines, with the
ruins uv a burnt nigger school-house within site uv my winder.
I wantid nothin more. I hoped to be allowed to live there and
thus forever, and that when Death should come, he wood find
me at Bascom's, enjoyin the deliteful society uv them wich I
am proud to call my friends.

But it wuz not to be so. Grant wuz elected, and per consequence
I wuz oustid. Weary uv life and heart-sick, I startid
a grosery in the 6th Ward, Noo York, where I hed hopes that
the Dimocricy wood rally to my support, and give me a suffishency
uv the two prime necessities uv life, — a roof and whiskey.
But that didn't anser. I drank up twenty-five per cent.
uv my stock, and the balance wuz sold on credit to that class
uv Dimocrats whose proudest boast is that they never pay a
bill. He needs to be an acoot man who deals with sich.
Unable to maintain myself there, I returned to Confedrit ×
Roads, where I am now livin, and where, probably, I shel die.
It is the most sootable place for me, for here I am entirely
safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us here. The
aristocracy uv this seckshun bleeve in freedom uv speech,
but they desire to exercise a supervision over it, that they
may not be led astray. They bleeve they'r rite, and for fear
they'd be forced to change their minds, whenever they git
into argument with anybody, ef the individooal gits the better
uv them, they to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence
Massychoosits can't disturb us here; the populashen is unanimously
Democratic, and bids fair to continyoo so.

It is proper to state that the papers uv which this volume is
composed wuz written at various times and under various
circumstances. They reflect the mind uv the author doorin
the most eventful years in his history, and mark the condition
uv the Dimocrisy from week to week. Consekently they
shift from grave to gay, from lively to severe, with much alacrity,
the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto the top

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wave uv success, and at other times bein down in the trough
uv despondency and despair.

I endoored life under Linkin, and enjoyed life under that
martyred saint, Johnson. But, alas! Johnson cooden't endoor.
Dimocrisy undertook to carry the President, and it broke
down under the load. Then the President undertook to carry
the Dimocrisy, and he broke down under that load. Both
were sootable to be carried, but neither hed the strength to
carry the tother. And so they lay, both at the bottom uv the
ditch uv despondency, lookin helplessly at each other, but
neither able to help his fellow-suffrer. They wood hev embraced,
but they hedn't strength enuff to roll together.

We hed seasons uv revival. Occasionally a state eleckshun
wood result in our favor, and we did succeed in capcherin Noo
York. That last triumph give us life; it infused vigger into
us. It operatid like a invigorator — a stiff wun — does onto
the bowels uv a Kentuckian whose flask is out, and who hezn't
bin neer a bar-room for thirty-six hours. It wuz strengthenin.

But even that wuzn't permanent. The Dimocrisy uv that
city hed a good thing, but their very eagernis rooined em.
Their grabs were so enormous ez to attract attention, and
down they went again. They killed the goose that laid the
golden egg. Hed the Dimocratic managers stolen litely, — that
is, hed they taken ten years to hev made theirselves millionaires
instid uv five, — they wood to-day hev bin in power, and
the Democrisy hev hed a nucleus around wich to rally. But
sich is fate. There is frosts wherever there is flowers.

I mite say more, but wherefore? Sich ez the book is, I hist
it at the public. Ez the record uv twelve years uv hopes and
fears, uv exaltation and depression, it may possess interest or
may not — 'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whether it is
well or ill received makes but little difference to me. The
public will not diskiver its merits or demerits till after they hev
bought the book (and paid for it, — for books is not like

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whiskey, sold on tick), and with the buyin uv the book my objeck is
attained. They may possibly murmur, but their murmurs
won't reach me, for before they kin reach the Cross Roads,
with our present mail facilities, I shel hev gone hentz. Before
that time my venerable biler, now weakened in spots, will hev
bustid, and I shel hev gone to join Elder Gavitt, John Guttle,
and the glorious army uv Dimocratic marters, wherever they
may be. For it is not given to man to live always, for wich a
Dimocrat who is too old to change may be trooly thankful.

P. V. N.
Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 20, 1872.

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INTRODUCTION.

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The Nasby Letters are now collected in a beautiful
volume, and the publishers have invited me to write
an Introduction. It can be only a word.

Beyond the interest in these letters as another
instance of a peculiar literature, — illustrated by
Major Jack Downing, Sam Slick, and the genius of
Hosea Biglow, — they have an historic character from
the part they performed in the war with slavery, and
in advancing reconstruction. Appearing with a certain
regularity and enjoying an extensive circulation, they
became a constant and welcome ally. Unquestionably
they were among the influences and agencies by
which disloyalty in all its forms was exposed, and
public opinion assured on the right side. It is impossible
to measure their value. Against the devices
of slavery and its supporters, each letter was like
a speech, or one of those songs which stir the

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people. Therefore they belong to the political history
of this critical period.

Of publications during the war, none had such
charm for Abraham Lincoln. He read every letter
as it appeared, and kept them all within reach for
refreshment. This strong liking illustrates his character,
and will always awaken an interest in the letters.
An incident in my own relations with him shows
how easily he turned from care to humor.

I had occasion to see President Lincoln very late
in the evening of March 17th, 1865. The interview
was in the familiar room known as his office, and
also used for cabinet meetings. I did not take leave
of him until some time after midnight, and then
the business was not entirely finished. As I rose,
he said, “Come to me when I open shop in the
morning; I will have the order written, and you
shall see it.” “When do you open shop?” said I.
“At nine o'clock,” he replied. At the hour named
I was in the same room that I had so recently
left. Very soon the President entered, stepping
quickly with the promised order in his hands,
which he at once read to me. It was to disapprove
and annul the judgment and sentence of a

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courtmartial in a case that had excited much feeling.
While I was making an abstract of the order for
communication by telegraph to the anxious parties,
he broke into quotation from Nasby. Finding me
less at home than himself with his favorite humorist,
he said pleasantly, “I must initiate you,” and then
repeated with enthusiasm the message he had sent to
the author: “For the genius to write these things I
would gladly give up my office.”

Rising from his seat, he opened a desk behind, and,
taking from it a pamphlet collection of the letters
already published, proceeded to read from it with
infinite zest, while his melancholy features grew bright.
It was a delight to see him surrender so completely
to the fascination. Finding that I listened, he read
for more than twenty minutes, and was still proceeding,
when it occurred to me that there must be many
at the door waiting to see him on graver matters.
Taking advantage of a pause, I rose, and, thanking
him for the lesson of the morning, went away. Some
thirty persons, including senators and representatives,
were in the ante-chamber as I passed out.

Though with the President much during the intervening
time before his death, this was the last business

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I transacted with him. A few days later he left
Washington for City Point, on the James River, where
he was at the surrender of Richmond. April 6th I
joined him there. April 9th the party returned to
Washington. On the evening of April 14th the bullet
of an assassin took his life.

In this simple story Abraham Lincoln introduces
Nasby.

Charles Sumner. Washington, April 1st, 1872.

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LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.

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Page

STEEL PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR Frontispiece.

PRESENTATION PAGE 1

NASBY BEING PHOTOGRAPHED: A STRIKING PICTURE 33

CHURCH OF ST. VALLANDIGUM, P. V. NASBY, PASTOR, AND HIS FLOCK. 71

NASBY COMMUNING WITH THE SPIRIT OF ANDREW JACKSON 102

HOW NASBY WOULD HAVE DIED IN THE LAST DITCH 170

THE “NIGGER” AS HE SHOULD BE — AS HE IS 192

DO YOU KNOW CHARLES SUMNER? 226

DEPLORABLE EFFECT OF THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION 231

NASBY'S DREAM OF RETRIBUTION 240

NASBY'S DREAM OF THE RECEPTION OF THE PATRIOTS 299

PROCESSION AT CONFEDRIT × ROADS 302

NASBY'S DREAM OF PERFECT BLISS 305

THE EXTEMPORANEOUS SPEAKERS 333

NASBY EXCITED OVER THE NEWS 338

THE ROUGH AND TUMBLE AT THE PATERNAL TOMB 370

NASBY IN THE CABINET 391

“I THUS EMBRACE.” 410

JOLLIFICATION AT THE WHITE HOUSE — THE THREE GRACES 414

“THREE CHEERS FOR JEFFERSON GREELEY.” 438

NIGGERS RECOGNIZING THEIR “MOSES.” 443

PARADE OF THE VIRGINS 476

“SUFFER LITTLE WHITE CHILDREN TO COME UNTO ME.” 481

NASBY DREAMS HE IS A GENUINE NEW YORK ARISTOCRAT. 552

THE GUILLOTINE HAS FALLEN ON POSTMASTER NASBY 590

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CONTENTS.

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LETTERS.

I. An Autobiographical Sketch.
Photograph of the Author. — Cost of Photograph. — Birthplace of the Author.—
Precocious Boyhood. — Origin of his Political Principles. — Education. —
Enterprise. — Misfortune. — Cruel Judge. — Objects of his Life. — Model Father.—
Benevolent Neighbors. — Versatility of Genius. — Becomes a Useful Member
of Society. — Striving for a Fortune. — Matrimonial Disaster. — Renewed Devotion
to his Life-work. — Becomes a Politician and Office-holder. — Is happy. 33

II. The Secession of Wingert's Corners.
Meeting of Citizens. — Nasby Chairman. — Address to the World adopted. —
Grievances. — Overburdened with Taxes, and without Share in the Offices. —
Independence declared. — Military Preparations. — The People resolute. 39

III. Negro Emigration.
Negro Population. — Dangers of the State. — An Alarm. — Resolutions. — Stirring
Appeal to Patriotism. 41

IV. Proposes to Celebrate the Fourth of July.
Order of Procession. — Exercises of the Day and Evening. 43

V. Annihilates an Oberlinite.
The Cause of the War. — Perversity and Obstinacy of Oberlin. — The American
Eagle. — Effect of Oberlin Ideas. 44

VI. Makes a Candidate “uv Hisself.”
Reasons. — Claims. — Capacity. — Principles. — More Resolutions. — States his
Position, which is Comprehensive. — Isn't particular what Office he has. 47

VII. Shows why he should not be Drafted.
Studies Himself. — Is Bald-headed. — Dandruff. — Catarrh. — Blind. — Bad Teeth.—
Diarrhœa. — Costiveness. — Ruptured. — Varicose Veins. — Corns. — And is
afflicted with Political Opinions. 50

VIII. In Canada.
Congratulations. — Unskilful Physicians. — Terrors of Night Travelling. — A
Voyage in an Open Boat. — The Hegira of the Invalids. — Cantious Canadian
Landlord. — Unpleasant Bedfellow. — Applies to his Wife for Money. 51

IX. Is finally Drafted.
Homeward Bound. — Happy Anticipations. — Disappointment. — His Nose betrays
Him. — Seeks Safety by Volunteering. — A Ray of Light. — Condensed
Ecstasy. — Patriotic Enthusiasm. — Affecting Message to Louisa Jane. 53

X. Deserts — His Experience in Clothes.
Escapes by a Fortunate Mistake. — Falls into the Hands of the Louisiana Pelicans. —
Their Uniform. — Changes his Uniform. — Provides his own Rations. 55

XI. Captures a Turkey.
Discomforts of Military Life. — Light Food and Clothing and Irregular Pay. —
Great Abundance of Money. — The Turkey. — Is confiscated. — Feast. 57

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XII. Improves his Fortunes by Marriage.
Misery. — An Extravagant Wife. — No Credit. — Marries a Widow. — Result of
the Speculation. — A Practical Joke. — Change of Views on Slavery Question. 59

XIII. Converses with a Southern Soldier.
A Great Rascal spoiled by Lack of Brains. — Family Misfortunes of a Southerner.—
The Utopia of Mechanics. — Nasby as a Watchmaker. — Prospective Success
of the Confederacy. 60

XIV. At Home.
Suffering for Principle. — Human Endurance limited. — Justification of Desertion. —
How Deserters fare at Home. — Hospitality of his Friends. — They take
up a Collection. — A Mistake. — The Difference explained. — Nasby retains the
Money. 62

XV. Assists Draft Resisters.
Drills the Heroes of Hoskinville. — Extraordinary Military Expertness. — A
Stratagem. — Arrested and imprisoned. 63

XVI. Strategies.
The Hobby of Democracy. — Disguises Himself. — Negro Invasion — Perfect
Success. — Deception justifiable. 65

XVII. Addresses the Soldiers.
Managers of the Democracy meet. — Alarming Stupidity. — Some Political Facts.—
Inroad of the Negroes. — An Appeal for Peace. 67

XVIII. Organizes a Democratic Church.
Dangerous Influence of Churches. — Nasby's Gigantic Intellect contrives a Harmless
Church. — Order of Exercises. — The Sunday School on a Pure Basis. —
Catechism. — Rewards to stimulate the Infant Mind. — A Festival. — Prospective
Good. — Touching Scene. — Virtue rewarded. 69

XIX. Goes on with his Church.
An Intelligent Audience. — The Sermon. — Tyranny denounced. — Democratic
Class-meeting. — Confessions. — Fines to be devoted to Missionary Service. —
A Rich Field. 71

XX. “Capcherd.”
Joins the Peace Forces at Millersberg. — Is made Commander-in-chief. — The
Enemy appear. — Taken and imprisoned at Columbus. — An Epistle to the
Church. — Begs to be shown some Little Attention. 73

XXI. Starts a Paper.
Insulting Remark. — The “Marter and Tyrent Resister” — Principal Contributors:
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. V. Nasby, P. Volcano Nasby, and Mr. Nasby. —
Appeal to the Democracy for Support. — Enthusiastic Reception by his Church.—
An Assault. — A Rescue. 74

XXII. Preaches, and makes a Sudden Shift.
The Draft Inevitable. — Precautionary Measures. — Two Sets of Resolutions. —
Immigration Encouraged. — The Sagacious Nasby. 76

XXIII. Observes a Day of Fasting.
Instructions to his Flock. — The Text. — The Silver Lining. — Conundrums in
the Pulpit. — Exhortation. — Census of the Church. — The Church safe. 78

XXIV. Confession of Faith.
A Glorious Season. — Eighteen added to the Church. — The Confession of Faith.—
Preparations for a Revival. 80

XXV. Visits Vallandigham.
The Prisoner. — A Scene. — His Motto “Nil despritrando.” — The Two Great Men
of the Age. — Plans for the Salvation of Ohio. — A Large Nest and a Small Hen. 81

XXVI Converses with a Brother.
The Wanderer returns. — Affectionate Reception. — Still holds to Democracy. —
Not up to the Times. — He repudiates his Party. — Denounces the Degeneracy
of the Times, and departs with the Blessings of Petroleum V. 83

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XXVII. Preaches — Subject, “Givin'.”
What is giving? — When should we give? — Democracy always Scriptural. —
Why we should give. — The Consequences of not giving. — A Great Lesson. 86

XXVIII. Visits Camp Dennison to Electioneer for Vallandigham.
Approaches a Party. — Sows his Seed. — Stony Ground. — Disagreeable Result. —
Outrages. — Sudden Retreat. — Escape. — Sick. 88

XXIX. Waileth.
Resolves to become a “Nunnery.” — Martial Law. — The Election Returns. —
Swoons — Despondency. — An Attempt at Suicide. — Foiled. — Prostration. —
Takes to Strong Drink. 90

XXX. In the “Apossel Biznis.”
A Democratic Propagandist. — Extracts from his Journal. — Pilgrimage. — Borrows
of the Faithful. — A Good Hair-dye. — Concessions Necessary to Compromise. —
Borrows Money, and gives his Note. — Benevolence a Characteristic. —
Borrows more Money, which he expects to pay. 92

XXXI. Has an Interview with the President.
A Modest Request on Behalf of Ohio Democracy. — Lincoln, struck with his
Modesty, promises to consider the Matter. — Encourages Nasby, who, without
Ambition, would accept a Post Office. — Dismisses himself impressively, and
walks off. 93

XXXII. Preaches.
The Text. — Why the Democracy needs saving. — A Broad Platform. — The Panacea
for Democratic Woes. — Abolitionists must be induced to Enlist. — And
Canadian Refugees to Return. — A Big Job. 96

XXXIII. Submits a Plan for the Salvation of the Democratic Party.
A Radical Change. — An Anecdote. — Resolves to Conciliate the Blacks. 98

XXXIV. Takes a Retrospective View.
The Good Old Times. — Disintegration of the Party. — Abolition creeps in. — An
Army of Ghosts. 99

XXXV. Communes with Spirits.
Nasby's Faith in Spiritualism. — A Happy Belief. — The Circle. — The Spirits of
the Fathers. — Unsatisfactory Answers. — All the Spirits Impostors. — The Last
Words of Douglas. — The Collection pays for the Use of the Church. 101

XXXVI. Tries an Experiment.
Perversity of the Human Race. — A Beautiful Provision of Nature. — The Strong
take the Weak under their Protection. — White Slavery Established in the
North. — A Strong-minded Woman. — The Result. — Disestablishes the System. 104

XXXVII. Establishes African Slavery.
Tries an Experiment with Negro Slavery. — Proves the Principle by the Scriptures. —
A Popular Scheme. — The Discussion. — Heretics in the Church. —
This System also fails. — Jordan a Hard Road. 106

XXXVIII. Opposes the Nomination of a Military Man.
Nasby a Man of Talent. — His Faith in Democracy. — McClellan's Want of Ability. —
Constitutional Rights Illustrated. — Grant too Bloody. — Party Gymnastics. —
The Style of Man Needed. — A Happy Thought. 108

XXXIX. Tries to Awaken an Interest.
Gloomy Forebodings. — An Effort at Strategy. — Disappointment. — Terrible Falling
off. — Drifting. — His Congregation Lukewarm. 110

XL. Recommends Unanimity.
An Incident. — Borrowing a Family Trait. — A Parable. — Discouraging Work. —
Moral. 112

XLI. Again repudiates McClellan, and gives Reasons therefor.
No Elements of Success. — If elected, would be of no Use. — The Parable of the
Circus Rider. 114

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XLII. Ordains a Missionary.
A Promising Candidate. — The Charge after Ordination. — The Ship “Democracy”
headed for the Rocks of Destruction. — Rules for a Democratic Missionary. 116

XLIII. Gives Thanks.
A Psalm of Praise. — Proviso. 118

XLIV. Waileth.
A Wail. — Distraction. — A Terrible Bereavement. 120

XLV. Fremont's Nomination.
The Right Man in the Right Place. — Encouraging Prospects. 122

XLVI. The Return of Vallandigham.
Great Rejoicing. — Somewhat Mixed. — The Exile's Duty to his Party. — A
Troublesome Friend. — The Author's Affection surpassed by his Patriotism. 123

XLVII. Defines his Position, and appeals for Aid.
Obstacles to Democratic Success. — The Corner Stone. — Superstitions of the
Churches. — The Principle of Property in the Negro derived from Blackstone.—
A Weak Point in Every Democratic Principle. — Laborers Plenty, but Harvest
Scant. — Contributions can safely be sent to any Regular Officer. 125

XLVIII. Declares for Repudiation, and Union with the South.
Certain Success of the Southern Confederacy. — Reconciliation of Democracy
with New England Impossible. — Confederacy will not undertake to pay our
Debt. — Repudiation a Dirty Trick. — Democracy must do it. 127

XLIX. Shows that a War Platform won't do for the Democracy.
Contemplates retiring from Public Life. — Prospective Destruction of Democracy
Immediate. — Success Equally Dangerous with Defeat. — Clear Elucidation of
the Proposition. — Success not Desirable, and why. 130

L. Has a Class-meeting, and Deprecates Negro-killing.
The Speech of the Saints. — Brother Siples is Weak, but has his Faith Strengthened. —
Another Weak One Strengthened. — Misdirected Enthusiasm. — A
Little Computation. — Vile Slanders refuted. — An Honest Man. — Southern
Ardor Dampened. — A Touching Picture. — Nasby's Flock still Strong. 131

LI. Starts a Society of His Own.
An Order adapted to the Party. — The Ritual. — A Series of Interesting Queries.—
Position of the Society strong. — Appeals to the Natural Instincts of its
Members 132

LII. Indorses the Nomination.
Always does from Principle. — Biographical Sketch of a Candidate. — The Father
of the Man. — His Railroad Experience. — His Military Career Well Known. —
Nasby accepts the Platform, and takes up a Collection. 134

LIII. The Candidates and Platform.
The Enthusiasm for McClellan. — Diversity of Opinion. — The Idea of Brother
Guttle. — Is a little Particular. — Consolatory Remarks of the Pastor. — An
Accommodating Platform. — Guttle Squelched 137

LIV. Waileth.
Psalm of Humiliation and Agony. — A Double-barrelled Wail. — A Cry of Anguish. —
A Heart-rending Wail. — Job, Naaman, and Samson discounted. — The
Ox and the Ass. — Curses the Day of his Birth. 139

LV. Lamenteth.
Reaches a Conclusion. — A Reason of Mourning. — Psalm. — Nowhere to turn.—
A Prayer for Victory. 141

LVI. Has a Dream.
Dreams are Unsubstantial. — Likewise Ghosts. — An Exploration of the Future.—
An Interesting Examination. — A Prince in Disguise. — A Case of Slander.—
Reflections on Posterity. 143

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LVII. Loses a Friend, and Writes his Obituary.
The Fallen Pillar. — A Beautiful Trait of Character. — Commences his Political
Career. — Perseverance. — Death Hastened by Disappointment. — A Consistent
Member of the Church. — Comprehensive Political Principles. — Direct Cause
of his Death. — His Last Words 145

LVIII. Has a Difficulty with his Flock, and leaves it.
Freedom's Squawk. — A Happy Reason. — The Dream changes. — How the Result
was Accounted for. — Fraud. — A Strategical Retreat. — Bids Farewell to
his Flock, and departs for New Jersey 148

LIX. Deprecates the Arming of the Slaves by the South.
A Dissertation on Blood. — Inferiority of Northern White Soldiers. — Chivalry
of Officers. — A Touching Picture. — Fearful Destruction of Property. — Consolation
of Democracy. — What ought to be done 150

LX. Has a Frightful Dream.
Is afflicted with Dreams. — Jefferson at the Funeral of Democracy. — Is Surprised. —
More Surprises. — And still more. — Douglas speaks over the Dead
Body. 152

LXI. Proposes an Emigration of the Democracy.
Thoughts derived from the Bible. — The Dangerous Remedy. — A Mathematical
Calculation. — How to Make Heroes. — A Nation of Office-holders 154

LXII. Consults the Spirits.
Has no Faith in Spirits. — Too Ethereal. — Some Tests. — An Assortment of Spirits. —
Some Necessary, but Unpleasant Truths. — Secession caused by the North. 156

LXIII. Waileth and Curseth.
Bad News. — A Wail and Curse. — An Epidemic. — “Speshly hot” Curse. —
Sherman's “Cussidness.” 158

LXIV. Renounces Slavery.
Wages of Sin. — Why he Renounces Slavery. — The Car of Emancipation. — The
Devil's Work. — Sighs for the Fate of Jonah. — Juggernaut. — The Circular 160

LXV. Lamenteth.
A Soul-rending Lamentation. — Surrounded by Enemies. — The Provost-Marshal. 162

LXVI. Details the Failures of the Democracy.
The Stupidity of the People mourned over. — Failures in the Business of Prophesying. —
The People Crazy. — Convinced of the Truth of the Millerite Doctrine. 163

LXVII. Mr. Nasby and his Friends hold a Meeting on the
Fall of Charleston.
A Moist Season. — The Resolutions. — Adopted. — Nasby makes a Speech. — The
Fall of Charleston a Blessing. — Makes a Sensation. — And takes Occasion to
borrow a little Money 164

LXVIII. Lamenteth over the Apostasy of the Saints.
Tidings of Evil. — A Succession of Misfortunes. — Weeping and Cursing of no
Avail. — A Loss of Faith in Humanity. — The Backbone of the Party gone 167

LXIX. The Fall of Richmond, and Lee's Surrender.
Concentration. — Lee Surrenders. — Contemptible Actions of the Southern People. —
The Last Concentrate Concentrated. — Democracy about to Dic of Chagrin
and other things. — Nasby resolves to become a Nun 169

LXX. The Assassination.
A Nation in Mourning. — Nasby Mourns. — Why. — Why he ever Disliked Lincoln. —
Forgives him. — The Change not for the Better 171

LXXI. Makes a “Delegashun uv Hisself,” and Visits the President.
Delegations in Vogue. — Defence of New Jersey. — Responsibility of the President. —
The Only Plan. — Difference 173

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LXXII. Has a Vision.
Ancient Dreams Prophetical. — Reception at the Gates of Heaven. — Better Reception
in another Place. — Interview with Satan. — His Property. — In Fee. —
Mortgages. — Who will and Who will not. — A Narrow Escape. — A Happy
Awakening 175

LXXIII. Lays down a Platform for the coming Campaign.
What the Matter is. — Red Flag of the Democracy. — “Save us from Nigger
Equality.” — Central Committees must furnish them. — If they won't steal, the
Committee must for them 178

LXXIV. Meets a “Reconstructid Suthern Chivelry, and hez
Confidences.”
General Marion Sumpter Fitzhugh Gusher. — A True Gentleman. — Parental Affection
for the Old Flag. — State Rights. — A Child of Nature. — Conditions of
Peace. — Generosity of Southern Democracy. — A Noble Man. — Nasby becomes
a Lender 180

LXXV. Dreams a Dream.
A Common Recreation. — A Monument to the Heroes of Gettysburg. — The Insult
to General McGoryum. — Indignant Speech. — The Compromise 183

LXXVI. Issues an Address to the Southern Democracy.
Two Discoveries. — Past Misfortunes. — What to do, and How to do it. — Enterprising
Yankee. — Duties of Legislators. 186

LXXVII. Searches the Scriptures, and Gets Comfort therefrom.
The Nigger past finding out. — Nasby dejected. — His Cure. — Providential Origin
of the Nigger. — The Story of Noah. — Light. — Moral 188

LXXVIII. Opposes the Nomination of Soldiers.
Halting between two Opinions. — Parable of the Doctor. — His Objections. — Political
Capital enough 190

LXXIX. Suggests a Psalm of Sadness for his Friends South.
A Psalm of Agony. — The Nigger. — Lincoln's Sin. — A Supplication for Mercy 192

LXXX. A Horrible Vision.
Campbell. — Nasby's Superiority. — The Lost Negro. — The Death Scene. — Fernando
Wood's Grief. — Funeral Orations. — What Horace Greeley said. —
Awakening 194

LXXXI. Meets a Pardoned Rebel, who Enlightens Him.
General Mosher. — A Model Man. — Unnecessary Fear. — Fate of the Ancient
Chivalry. — Hopes. — A Child of Pious Parents 199

LXXXII. On Southern Character.
Delusions. — The Effect of Novel Reading. — Youthful Credulity. — The Ideal
Southerner. — The Real Southerner 201

LXXXIII. On the Diversity of the Races.
Unfortunate Necessity of Giving a Reason. — No Reason to Give. — An Ethnological
Point. — A Sound Theory 204

LXXXIV. Has a Conversation with the Devil.
New Jersey in Danger. — Consolatory Remarks. — A Happy and Prosperous
Devil. — His Fears and Hopes. — A Pleasant Country. — Fiendish Plans. — A
Warm Embrace 206

LXXXV. Appeal to the Democracy.
A Time for Action. — A Variety of Platforms. — A Subject for Contemplation. —
New Jersey Safe 209

LXXXVI. After the October Elections, 1865.
Abolitionism Rampant. — An Interrupted Speech. — And a Sudden Ending. —
Mockery. — A Heavy Democratic Majority in the Future 212

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LXXXVII. After the New Jersey Election, 1865.
Prospective Happiness. — A Terrible Blow. — A Sad Song. — A Wail. — Horrible
Visions. — Where shall Refuge be found? 214

LXXXVIII. A Conversation with General McStinger, of the State
of Georgia, which is interrupted by a Subjugated Rebel.
Washington. — Comfortable Quarters. — The Offended Chivalry. — The Conditions
of Reconciliation. — An Interruption. — What Mr. Maginnis had to say.—
His Advice 217

LXXXIX. A Remarkable Dream — A Country Settled exclusively
by Democrats.
A Second St. John. — The Democratic Exodus. — Consternation among the Natives. —
The President. — Oath waived. — Numbering the Host. — Clergy. —
Candidates for Office. — Murmurings and Discontent. — The Moral 221

XC. A Change of Base — Kentucky — A Sermon which was
interrupted by a Subjugated and Subdued Confederate.
An Anchor. — Cheap Tools. — A Stupid Blunder. — Cheap Drinks. — Wages of
Sin. — What is Sin? — Another Sermonizer. — The same Text from a different
Stand-point. — A Disagreeable Conclusion 225

XCI. The Effect the Proclamation of Secretary Seward produced
in Kentucky.
The Dark Deed. — The Wail of the Patriarch. — A Fainting Scene. — The Misery
of Abolitionism 229

XCII. A Conversation with a Loyal Kentuckian who had Faith
in the Final Triumph of Democracy.
A Hopeful Kentuckian. — His Cure. — Pleasant Anticipations. — A Difficulty
Settled. 232

XCIII. A Plan Suggested for the Up-building of the Democracy.
Light. — A Suggestion. — The Social Sliding Scale. — The Nigger must be Cultivated. —
The Negro a Man. — And is sweeter than the Night-blooming Cereus.—
The Foundation of the New Temple 235

XCIV. Enjoys a Vision of the Next World, Seeing therein many
Curious Things, which are Published as a Warning to Politicians.

Evening Meal. — A Light Supper. — The Dividing Line. — Myriads of Little Devils. —
Their Amusement. — Satan's Ideas. — His Hopes 239

XCV. The Situation — The Democracy Warned.
The Trouble of Living on Faith. — “Where is the Offices?” — Nasby's Recommendation. —
The Central Idea. — Will he do it? 243

XCVI. The President's 22d of February Speech.
The Capture of the President. — Unsound Reasons. — A Description of the Captors. —
And their Enthusiasm. — A Genuine Democrat. — The Great Question. 246

XCVII. The President Implored to Show his Hand.
A Protest. — Humanity Deceptive. — Reasons of the Speech. — Hesitation. — The
Price of Allegiance. — The Central Figure 250

XCVIII. The Patriarchal System — An Affecting, Appeal in Behalf
of a Friend.
Free Negroes Successful. — John Guttle. — An Old Friend. — The Guttle Family.—
Their Downfall. — Former Hospitality. — Guttle and the Democracy 253

XCIX. A Dream — The Course of Republicanism.
An Interview with the President. — A Sad Want of Tact. — Corpse of Republicanism. —
Dividing the Raiment. — Expressions of Grief. — The Struggle over
the Plunder 256

C. A Kentucky Tea Party.
Infidelity. — The Southern Idea of Sumner. — Pollock, the Disturber. — A Painful
Investigation. — A Very Remarkable Coincidence. — The Commandment. —
A Democratic Interpretation. — Assertion of Superiority. — Mrs. Pogram threatens
War. — More about Sumner 260

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CI. A Psalm of Gladness — Veto of the Civil Rights Bill.
An Exultant Strain. — What shall Come to Pass. — Blessed be Moses 265

CII. A Cry of Exultation — A Gleam of Light.
The Moses. — Change of Israelites. — The Parable of the Eel. — Process of Reconstruction. —
A Kentucky Code. — A Striking Tableau. 267

CIII. A Wail of Anguish — The Passage of the Civil Rights Bill
over the Veto.
A Kettle full of Curses. — Fire fed with Oil. — The American Moses. — The Seven
Devils. — The Serpent. — Effect of Civil Rights Bill. — Gloomy Prospect. 271

CIV. Mournful View of the Situation.
The Useless Curse. — Negro Impudence. — Where is the Curse? — What the President
should do. 275

CV. The Reconstructed Congratulate the Country upon the
Memphis Outbreak.
The Unpleasantness at Memphis. — An Orator who understands his Subject. —
Great Success. — Deep Foundations of Democracy. — Impertinent Questions by
a Beast. — The Argument. 277

CVI. The Workings of the Freedmen's Bureau — A Report.
An Unbiassed Report. — The Congregation Assemble. — What Captain Skelper
knows about Bureaus. — The Infamous Bureau. — How it spoiled the Negroes.—
Its Removal Necessary to the Welfare of the Country. 281

CVII. Presides at a Church Trial.
Examination of Witnesses. — An Important Point. — Guilty, but Justified. — Full
Explanation. — Prisoner Discharged. — The Court's Address to the People. 285

CVIII. Turns a Meeting, called to indorse General Rosseau, to
Account.
Chairman. — Resolutions. — The Everlasting Post Office. — Resolutions Unanimously
Adopted without Reading. 288

CIX. Preaches — “The Prodigal Son” — An Interruption.
Splendid Congregation. — Promising Prospects. — A Plain Statement. — Applying
the Moral. — The Abolitionists Preach, but won't Practice — The Church Militant. —
And its Statement. 291

CX. A Pleasant Dream, the Philadelphia Convention being the
Subject thereof.
His Dreams mostly Nightmares. — The Organization. — Who should be Admitted. —
From the North. — From the South. — Garret Davis's Speech. — The
Resolutions. — Tableau. — The Awakening. 295

CXI. Reward of Virtue — The Virtuous Patriot Secures his
Loaf — Jollification.
Receives his Commission. — The Johnsonian Catechism. — A Procession. — The
Deacon's Speech. — Bascom's Remarks. — Congratulatory Addresses. — The
Resolutions. 300

CXII. The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadelphia — A
Description of that Memorable Occasion by One who had been
Provided for.
Perfect Satisfaction. — The Delegate. — The Prevalence of the Military. — What
they all had in their Eyes. — Nasby is Overcome, and Faints. — Is Carried Out.—
The Party Bonds. — The Story of the Irishman. 305

CXIII. The Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb of
Douglas — From Washington to Detroit.
Nasby summoned to Washington. — Appointment of a Chaplain. — Preliminary
Discussion of the Journey. — The Setting Hen. — The Start. — The New York
Reception. — The Progress. — Albany. — An Unkind Cut. — Schenectady. —
Nasby a Man much sought after. — Utica. — The Speech. — Rome. — Lockport.—
Too much Swing. — Trouble at Cleveland. — The Procession of One. — Fremont. —
At Detroit. — Brilliant Effort of the President. 310

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CXIV. The Presidential Tour Continued — From Detroit to
Indianapolis.
Nasby at Home. — The Presidential Cavalcade at Ypsilanti. — Enthusiasm of the
People. — Ann Arbor. — More Enthusiasm. — Battle Creek. — Cheers. — Kalamazoo. —
At Chicago. — The Ethiopian Cooks. — Trouble at the Biddle House.—
A Dilemma. — Nasby Gently Persuaded. — Joliet. — Crowd Immense. — St.
Louis. 316

CXV. The End of the Presidential Tour — From Louisville to
Washington.
Gratified at last. — A Touching Incident. — A Gushing Maiden. — Continuation
of the Diary. — Cincinnati. — Enthusiastic Reception. — Unsophisticated Postmaster. —
Great Variety in the President's Speeches. — At Johnstown, Pa. —
Mifflin, Pa. — A Spontaneous Tribute. — Baltimore. — Arrival at Washington. —
Postscript. 320

CXVI. At Home again — A Detailed Account of Soul-harrowing
Outrages inflicted upon the People of Confederate × Roads
by a Party of Freedmen, and how the Insult was Wiped out.
At Home again. — A Negro Settlement. — Meeting of the Saints. — Speeches by
the Brethren. — Pollock advises. — The Result. — A Reconstruction Movement.—
An Unendurable Outrage. — Remarkable Forbearance. 324

CXVII. Is requested to act as Chaplain of the Cleveland Convention—
That Beautiful City Visited for that Purpose.
A Chaplain Necessary. — The Soldiers in Attendance. — Enthusiasm of the Delegates. —
A Prisoner secured. — A Man of Principle. — Speeches. — The Extemporaneous
Speaker. — The Wrong Carpet Bag. 329

CXVIII. An Appeal to the People just before the October
Electious.
The Sins of Congress. — To the Democracy direct. — The Magnanimity of the
South. — The Bruised Reed. — A Moving Appeal. 334

CXIX. The October Elections — The Effect the Result Produced
in Kentucky.
Deacon Pogram's Suggestion. — Joe Bigler's Definition of Conservative. — The
Pogram Household. — The Effect of the News. — Fruits of Radicalism. 338

CXX. The October Elections — Mr. Nasby's Opinion on the
Cause of the Defeat of the President.
The Cabinet Meeting. — The Testimony of an Official. — How an Expert did it.—
The Main Pillar. — The Cabinet in Tears. 342

CXXI. Will you have Andrew Johnson President or King? —
A Dream in which Andrew Johnson Figures as a King, surrounded
by his Nobles.
Nasby of an Imaginative Nature. — The Reception Night of “Androo the I.” —
His High Mightiness. — The Servants. — The Arrival of the Nobility. — The
Prisoners of State. — “The last uv the Tribunes.” — What had been done. — A
Postmaster as Good as a Nobleman. 346

CXXII. A Cabinet Meeting — Letters from Rev. Henry Ward
Beecher, General Custar, Henry J. Raymond, and Hon. John
Morrissey, each Anxious to Preserve his Reputation — A Sad
Time at the White House.
Several Gentlemen Alarmed for their Reputations. — Mr. Beecher's Respect for
the Office. — The Morrissey Seal. — A Broken Heart. 350

CXXIII. A Sermon upon the November Elections, from the
Text, “No Man Putteth New Wine into Old Bottles,” with a
Digression or Two.
A Mournful Season at the Corners. — The Happy Negro. — A Servant unto his
Brethren. — The New Wine in Old Bottles. — Old Cloth on a New Garment. —
The Conclusion. 355

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CXXIV. The Amnesty Proposition — The Cross Roads made
the Victim of a Cruel Hoax.
The Little Game of Draw. — The New York Drummer. — The Joy which Filled
the Corners. — Moderate Qualifications. — The Superiority of the Caucasian
Race Vindicated. — The Deacon's Exposition. — Sad Discovery. 359

CXXV. Mr. Nasby Projects a College.
A Southern College. — The Deacon's Idea of Education. — The College Grounds.—
The Faculty. — Curriculum. — The Executive Committee. 363

CXXVI. Mr. Nasby Tries to Weep at the Tomb of a Friend.
The Death of John Guttle. — Sad Reflections. — Causes of his Death. — The
Guttle Family. — The Negro an Imitative Animal. — Mr. Nasby at the Grave.—
The Meeting of the Daughters. — Interesting Conversations. — The Wreck
that Ensued. 367

CXXVII. Mr. Nasby in North Carolina — The Abrogation of
General Sickles's Order.
Colonel Podgers. — The Insult. — The Trial and Decision. — Nasby's Modesty. —
And Colonel Podgers's Liberality. 370

CXXVIII. Mr. Nasby's Account of his Stewardship — Laying
the Corner Stone of the College Edifice.
The Report. — Where the Money went to. — Indignation. — Laying the Corner
Stone. — Reflections on Posterity. — Tableau. 374

CXXIX. Mr. Nasby Essays a Sermon, but is Interrupted by a
Nigger.
A Devoted Flock. — The Text. — Ethnological Proofs. — An Unexpected Interruption. —
“Out of the Mouths of Babes and Sucklings.” — An Awkward Argument. —
An Immense Condemnation. 378

CXXX. Mr. Nasby does the Cross Roads a Service.
Peace at the Corners. — Studies. — The Uses of Northerners. — A Discovery. —
Brother Lee's Experience. — His Conclusion. — Deacon Pogram's Joy. 382

CXXXI. An Important Case at the Corners under the Vagrant
Act — The Decision of Squire Gavitt.
The Case Stated. — The Trial. — Sudden Adjournment of the Court. — How the
Negro was made a Vagrant. — Unconstitutional Laws. — The Decision. 387

CXXXII. Mr. Nasby is Despatched by the President upon a
Mission, similar to that of Mr. McCracken.
The McCracken Mission. — A Dirty Business. — An Anecdote. — Discovers the
Causes of Defeat. — New York Postmasters round. — In Ohio. — The Disguised
Nobleman. — His Success. — An Affecting Incident. — Discomforts of Travel. 391

CXXXIII. Mr. Nasby's Board Commences the Compilation of
a Series of School Books for the, “Institoot.”
That Corner-Stone. — The Proposed Series. — Some Examples. — Joe Bigler interferes. —
And makes Trouble. — His Examples. — Recommends their Adoption
emphatically 395

CXXXIV. Mr. Nasby desires Confirmation — Is Advised How
to Proceed by the President, but Rejects the Proposition with
Scorn.
Reflections. — His former Visit to Washington. — Willard's. — The President's
Dodge. — The Letter. — A Satisfactory Explanation. — A Spasm of Faithfulness
399

CXXXV. Mr. Nasby takes a Retrospective View.
The Military Law. — Grecian Strategy. — An Organ Backslides. — Discouraged. 404

CXXXVI. Mr. Nasby, in Imitation of Wade Hampton, tries to
Conciliate the African.
An Official Order. — Which was promptly obeyed. — Buying Negroes. — A Stirring
Speech. — The Universal Brotherhood. — A Spoiled Scene. — The Minutes
not preserved. — Want of Capital. — Joe Bigler's Advice 408

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CXXXVII. The Connecticut Election.
Sensation at the Corners. — The Deacon Electioneering. — A Sudden Change. —
A Cabinet Jollification. — Carnival at the White House. — The Removal of the
Institute. — A Demoralized Yankee. — Nasby's Prospects. — The Normal Condition.
412

CXXXVIII. The Russian Purchase.
Origin of the Idea. — A Dangerous Position. — Nasby's Suggestion. — Testimonials
to the Value of the Country. — From a Naval Officer. — Furs. — Professions. —
The Isothermal Line. — Seward's Enthusiasm. — The Real Point. —
Nasby's Opinion. — The Assignments. 417

CXXXIX. A Slight Alteration in the Name and Policy of Mr.
Nasby's “Institoot.”
A Meeting of the Faculty. — Ham and Japheth. — Bascom's Resolutions. — Why
Offered. — The Deacon's Doubt. — Removed by Bascom. 422

CXL. Mr. Nasby Preaches a Sermon, the Effect of which is
Destroyed by Northern Papers.
Trouble with the Niggers. — A Mixed Congregation. — The Sermon itself. — The
Scene after Service. — Spoiled the Next Day. — The Northern Papers. — Reproaches
the Brethren at the North. 426

CXLI. The Decease of Elder Gavitt.
The Fallen Pillar. — Birth and Education. — He didn't Read. — Why? — A Steadfast
Democrat. — The Cause of his Death. — The Sad Event. — The Funeral.—
Ends with a Row. — Contributions for the Monument. 430

CXLII. Triumphal Progress of J. Davis from Fortress Monroe
to Richmond.
Release of Jefferson Davis. — Generous Magnanimity. — The Perfect Arrangements. —
Sympathy. — The Conference. — His Grief. — Scene in the Court
House. — Out on Bail. — His Plans. 435

CXLIII. An Account of the Trip to Raleigh.
The Discussion in the Cabinet. — Seward Approves the Trip. — Randall opposes
it. — The Determination. — Affecting Demonstrations of Popular Favor. — The
President's Speech. — The Penniless Boy. — The Monument. — Affecting
Scene. — The Tableau. 437

CXLIV. The Boston Excursion.
Randall's Opinion. — Prospects of a Successful and Delightful Tour. — Decides to
go. — In New York. — A Massachusetts Governor. — His Welcome. — The
President's Reply. — A Precautionary Measure. — The Boston Way of doing it. 445

CXLV. Mr. Nasby Dreams a Dream.
Inquiries from the South. — The Dying Giant. — The Heavy Load. — The Catastrophe. —
Interpretation and Moral. 450

CXLVI. The Negro Question — The Change.
Too many Reasons. — A Simple Proposition. — Religion vs. Politics. — A Hard
Point. — A Test Case. — Astrological Examination. — A Mathematical Demonstration. —
The Intellectual Difference. — Too much Investigation. — Too many
Facts. — Terrible Result. 453

CXLVII. A Consultation at the Corners, followed by a Dream.
Conferring Degrees. — The Next President. — The Dream. — Disguising the Lion.—
And his Death. — The Interpretation. — Nasby Approves the Nomination. 459

CXLVIII. An Amnesty Proclamation.
A Familiar Consultation. — The President's Confidence. — Letters. — The President's
Strategy. — The Proclamation decided on. — Nasby Delighted. 463

CXLIX. Mr. Nasby in a Democratic County in Southern Ohio.
The Inducement. — A Description of the Town. — An Excited Populace. —
Taxes. — Painful Experience. — Friends Moving. — The Speech. — The Peroration. —
An Unpleasant Denouement. 468

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CL. The Antietam Dedication.
At Washington. — The Cabinet. — Making an Address. — Corrections. — The
Speech Completed. — An Objection overruled 472

CLI. Mr. Nasby Assists in the Ohio Election — The Defeat of
the Amendment.
The Preparations. — The Parades. — Anti-Negro Feeling. — Deep Feeling in the
Community. — Intelligence. — The Effect in Kentucky. — Meeting at the Cross
Roads. — The Faculty of the Institute determine to Revise the Scriptures. —
The Word “White.” 476

CLII. A Meeting at the Corners.
Cogitation over the Elections. — The Regular Speech. — And the Regular Interruption. —
Diluted Capital. — Illustrations. — The Troubled Sisters. — Sudden
Adjournment 481

CLIII. The November Election.
Joy at the Corners. — A Picture. — The Meeting. — Deacon Pogram's Claim. —
Other Claims. — The Discussion. — An Effort and a Failure. 485

CLIV. Mr. Nasby Regulates a School.
Written under Happy Circumstances. — The Disturber, Lett. — Trouble in the
School. — The Expulsion. — The Morey Girls. — Recuperation 490

CLV. The Alabama Convention — The Woes of John Guttle, Jr.
A Fearful Night. — A Chip of the Old Block. — A Disconsolate Crowd. — The
Troubles of Guttle. — The Convention. — Who were there. — Ruin ahead 494

CLVI. A Convention of Sufferers.
Nasby's Letter. — His Sufferings. — A Brief History. — His Tableau in Canada. —
Sufferings of a Saint. — And the Reward. 498

CLVII. The Decease of Elder Pennibacker.
Moral Reflections. — Nasby does not Waste Strength. — A Fallen Pillar. — Sketch
of his Life. — His Many Virtues. — Was an Inventor. — A Dilemma. — The
Last Illness. — A Happy Death. — A General Disappointment. 502

CLVIII. The Pendleton Theory in Kentucky.
Silence at the Corners accounted for. — Mr. Bigler's Grief. — The Theory not
Original. — How the Old Thing Works. — Unexpected Result. — Bascom's Triumph. —
The Peace-Makers. — Peace Restored. 505

CLIX. The Impeachment Matter.
At Washington. — Letter from Belmont. — Letter from Pierce. — Other Letters.—
Mr. Randall's Conclusion. 509

CLX. Pollock vs. Bigler.
Excitement at the Corners. — The Trouble Increases. — Two Large Families. —
The Terrible Examination. — Trouble among the Deacons. — The Reconciliation
513

CLXI. Sergeant Bates in Pettusville, Virginia.
The Procession. — Reception Speech. — A Discourse on the Flag. — Concluding
Ceremonies 518

CLXII. A Convention at the Corners.
Former Mode of Argument. — Joe Bigler interferes with the County Convention.—
The Discussion of his Rights. — Resolutions, Regular and Irregular. — Bigler's
Resolutions. — Posterity. — Meaning of the Term. — The Convention Dissolved
522

CLXIII. The Preparation of the Martyr for the Coming Event.
Mrs. Cobb's Adieu. — Her Circumstances. — The President's Simple Wants. —
His Determination. — What his Friends say. 525

CLXIV. The Impeachment Failure — The Feeling at the White
House.
Great Excitement. — Despatches from Friends. — The Coolness of Randall. — A
Dream. — A Race. — Stripping the Racers. — The Start 528

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CLXV. The Chicago Convention — Mr. Nasby gets on a Heavy
Disgust.
In the Wrong Pew. — Hospitality of the Various Delegations. — Insult to Kentucky. —
A Judicious Pause. — A Short Discourse on Democracy. — The Great
Idea 533

CLXVI. The Democratic Candidate for the Presidency.
Mr. Nasby's Nominee. — Why? — Jethro L. Kippens. — Is Geographically Level.—
Nobody knows him. — Happy Position on the War Question. — Has the Elements
of Popularity. — Other Qualifications. — Is National in his Views 537

CLXVII. Mr. Nasby a Delegate to New York.
On the Way to New York. — Assaults a Nigger. — His Success. — Finds him a
Delegate. — Resolutions. — Determined to be Suited 540

CLXVIII. A Futile Attempt to Ratify the Nominations at the
Corners.
The Decorations. — A Good Beginning. — Trouble. — Excited Discussion. — Nasby's
Safety. — The Terrible Ending 544

CLXIX. The Presidential Election.
Bad News. — The Election of Grant. — Fate. — The Dark Future. — Mr. Bigler's
Advice to the Deacon. — A Prophecy 548

CLXX. Mr. Nasby goes to New York, and establishes himself
in Business.
A Change of Base. — The Outfit. — His Friends Encourage Him. — Indulges in a
Dream. — His Sign. — The Opening. — Nasby Treats the Crowd, and is a Popular
Man. — The Opening too Gorgeous. — The Awakening and Ending 551

CLXXI. Mr. Nasby and his Friends Consider the Question of
Bread and Butter.
A Discussion. — He Proposes to Settle Somewhere. — Distance an Object. — To
his Friends. — Joe Bigler's Suggestions. — The Life of an Organ Grinder. —
Objections. — His Friends force Assistance on Him. — An Obstacle 555

CLXXII. Mr. Nasby Finds a New Business, which Promises
Ample Profits.
A Light. — A Prosperous Beginning. — His First Clients. — The Claim. — What is
Loyalty? — A History of the Claims. — How it Was. — Another Outrage. —
Numerous Claims at the Corners 558

CLXXIII. The Last Outrage upon Kentucky — Passage of the
Constitutional Amendment by the House.
Nasby's Influence on the Right Side. — A Pleasant Picture. — Effect of the Outrage
on the Corners. — How it Was. — Majesty of the Law. — How it Will be.—
Practice in Justice Pennibacker's Court. — A Weak Point in the Amendment.—
The Only Hope 561

CLXXIV. The Last Cabinet Meeting — The End of the Johnson
Reign.
The Contrast. — A Moist Administration. — The Calm President. — His Last
Acts. — The Leave Taken. — The Cabinet. — What will Become of Randall. —
What the Rest will do. — The Magnanimous Johnson. 565

CLXXV. Mr. Nasby Witnesses a Procession of the Sons of Erin.
The Enthusiasm. — A Dream. — The Banquet. — St. Gumbo. — Letters of Regret.—
Mr. Nasby Regrets that he was not a Negro. 570

CLXXVI. The Corners Outraged.
A Crowning Disgrace. — A Nigger Assessor. — A Peculiarly Aggravating Case. —
The Power he Wielded. — And How He Did it. — A Rich Assessor. — A Blind
Government 574

CLXXVII. The Corners Have a Discussion as to the Matter of
Carpet-Baggers.
The Corners. — Alarm — A Meeting. — Speech of the Champion. — Free Discussion. —
Joe Bigler's Speech. — The True Carpet-Bagger. — The Resolutions. —
An Unexpected Turn. — A Light. — The Distinction. — A Definition 578

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CLXXVIII. Mr. Nasby Nurses the Labor Movement at the
Corners.
Enthusiastic Meeting. — The Protest. — The Negro Plasterer. — His Insolence. —
Changes his Trade. — His Fate. — Nasby Proposes to Lead the Anti-Negro
Movement. 582

CLXXIX. Mr. Nasby and his Confreres hold a Commercial
Convention at the Corners.
The Delegates and Officers. — The Letters of Regret. — A Resolution. — Black
Sheep. — The Work Done. — Women at the Corners. — A Singular Omission. —
The Convention Re-assembled. — Resolutions Passed. 585

CLXXX. Mr. Nasby at last Loses his Post Office.
Out of Office. — The Corners in Mourning. — A Small but Talented Procession. —
The Negroes Up. — The Whites Down. — Trouble. — Nasby's Bondsmen. — Despair. —
What he Proposes to do. 590

CLXXXI. Mr. Nasby Receives a Letter from his Steadfast
Friend.
In Ohio. — A Letter from Home. — The Surroundings at Pepper's. — A Mine Discovered. —
Trouble in Kentucky. — Affectionate Remembrance of Nasby at the
Corners. — The Lack of Labor. — Bloated Bondholders. — The Bond Question.—
How it was met. — Joe Bigler steps in. — Consistency. 594

CLXXXII. Mr. Nasby attends a Convocation of the Democracy
of New York.
The Officers. — Resolutions. — What they Wanted. — The Debate. — The American
Consul at New York. 600

CLXXXIII. Settled at last — The City of New York to be his
Final Resting-Place.
The Dove. — The Harp of Erin. — He Serves the Party Best who Votes the Most.—
A Successful Opening. — Precautionary Measure. — Speeches and Toasts. 602

CLXXXIV. Mr. Nasby Gives a Brief Account of his New Establishment.

The Trade. — Bad Company. — Terrence O'Sullivan. — Holds Office. — A Soft
Thing. — Mr. O'Sullivan's Brother. — They Visit Sing-Sing. — Remonstrate
with the Warden. — O'Sullivan's Determination. — Mr. Nasby Consoles and
Encourages. — A Ray of Light. — Protection of the Democracy. 605

CLXXXV. The Friends of Mr. Nasby hold a Meeting, and indulge
in a Wail over the Passage of the Fifteenth Amendment
by the Ohio Legislature.
Meeting in the Sixth Ward. — Nasby Chairman. — What was Said. — The Effect
in New York. — A Revolution. — An Unpleasant Reminder. — Nasby's Plans
and Prospects. 609

CLXXXVI. Mr. Nasby in a Despondent Frame of Mind.
A Kentucky Conference. — Signs of the Times. — Preamble and Resolutions. —
A Fearful Squabble. — Disappointment. — Recreant Senators. 612

CLXXXVII. The Fifteenth Amendment.
A Meeting. — Different Views of the Matter. — Resolutions Proposed by Nasby.—
A New Departure. — Another Set of Resolutions. — The Prompt Action at
the Harp of Erin. 615

CLXXXVIII. Mr. Nasby Attempts to get Possession of the
Negro Vote.
After the Ethiopian. — An Ethiopian Secured. — The Second Ethiopian. — At last
One is Cornered and Prepared. — The Failure. 619

CLXXXIX. A Few Last Words — The Writer hereof bids his
Readers Farewell, and hurls a Trifle of Exhortation after
them.
Farewell. — Nasby's Experience Peculiar. — The Nigger Votes. — The Hope of
Democracy. — Natural Provisions. — Words of Good Cheer. — Farewell. 623

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LECTURES.

I. “Cussid be Canaan.”
All Men Free and Equal. — The Fathers of the Democratic Party. — How the
Declaration Should Read. — Some Criticisms. — On Various Writers and the
Bible. — Nigger and Negro. — Distinguished by “It” and “Him.” — The Haters
of Nigger Equality. — Jefferson's Ignorance. — The Affair of Noah. — The
Flood. — Indiscretion. — The Curse. — A Huge Devil. — Who are White Men?—
Ham's Apology. — Beginning of Democracy. — A Blessed Curse. — What
might have been. — How the Curse Didn't Work. — Nimrod. — Weak Spots. —
More Difficulties. — The Extent of the Curse. — The Question of Color. — The
Blackness Accounted for. — From the Kentucky Point of View. — From the
Negro Point. — Matter of Heat. — Has its Advantages. — Location. — Descendants
of Canaan. — The Tub. — An Ancestry. — Why the Curse was Believed
in. — Its Convenience. — The Attempt to Kill the Curse. — Missionaries, Miscalled
Pirates. — The Curse Killed. — The Audacity of the Canaanites. — How
they Helped in the War. — Their Ingratitude. — Their Privileges at the South.—
The Curse Abandoned. — Lee's Surrender. — Southern Modesty. — The Negro
not a Man. — The Bureau of Perfumery. — Ignorance. — The Troubles
Encountered. — The Beast Theory. — Difficulties of it. — What Becomes of the
Beast at Death. — The Black Face under a Blue Cap. — The Cowardice of the
Republicans. — A Philosophical Truth. — How Shall We Dispose of the Negro? —
The Lion Prejudice. — What to Do. — Negroes in Office. — The People
should have the Choice. — Man. — The Negro's Rights. — All Men Created
Equal 629

II. The Struggles of a Conservative with the Woman Question.
A Conservative. — By Birth and Education. — The Ancients. — Woman. — What
could we have done Without Her. — Her Position in the Past. — A Biblical Statement. —
Woman has the Advantage from the Start. — Eve. — Adam's Good Traits.—
A Happy Family. — Intellectual Power. — More Biblical Statements. — How
the Argument Works the Wrong Way. — Inferiority. — Mrs. Jezebel Ahab. —
Pocahontas and Delilah. — The Conundrum Maker. — Rebekah. — Promptness.—
Feminine Thought. — Female Disabilities. — The Woman's Proposition. —
The Man's Answer. — A System Proposed. — The Troubles. — Every Woman
should Marry. — Flying in the Face of Providence. — The Question of War. —
The School Teacher. — The Question of Marriage. — Labor. — The Example of
Young Men. — A Bit of Experience. — Continued. — What they Demand. —
And Why. — A Ponderous Protest. — Dr. Bushnell's Reasons. — Peace. —
What shall we do with it? — Applying the Remedy. — What should be done
with it? — Customs Overturned. — For Humanity 660

III. “In Search of the Man of Sin.”
The Solo. — Mr. Nasby Mentions Himself. — The Imitation of Washington. —
The Result. — His Wisdom. — Natural and Acquired. — An Excellent Man. —
A Friend of Humanity. — And a Patriot. — The Beginning of the Search. —
Where to Go. — The First Venture. — The Men of Sin in New York. — Requisites
of a Wicked Man. — A Moral Reflection. — The Influence of the Men. —
In Washington. — Cadetships. — The Sober Member. — The Extreme Radicals.—
The Troubled Thompson. — Management in Politics. — Jencks and Reform. —
The Franking Privilege. — A Conundrum. — The Way to Repeal. — More Conundrums. —
In New Jersey. — Becomes somewhat Orthodox. — A Monopoly.
An Anecdote. — How Much He Found. — The Reformers. — Forming a Society.—
Woman. — His Faith Shaken. — Another Anecdote. — A Sagacious but
Wicked Young Lady, — Feminine Extravagance. — Return. — What he Finds
at Home. — Estimating Sin. — Bibney and Mrs. Swan. — Messrs. Bloch and
Kitt. — Political Sin at Home. — The Pure Cicero. — Searches Himself. — A
Wife's Faults. — The Reform. — A Closer Investigation. — The Man of Sin
Known. — Encouraging Remarks to other People 687

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