Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1872], The struggles (social, financial and political) of Petroleum V. Nasby... embracing his trials and troubles, ups and downs, rejoicings and wailings; likewise his views of men and things; together with the lectures Cussed be Canaan, The struggles of a conservative with the woman question, and In search of the man of sin. With an introduction by Hon. Charles Sumner. Illustrated by Thomas Nast... (I. N. Richardson and Company, Boston) [word count] [eaf635T].
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Front matter
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Preliminaries
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Title Page
THE STRUGGLES
(SOCIAL, FINANCIAL AND POLITICAL)
OF
Petroleum V. Nasby,
SOMETIME PASTOR OF THE “CHURCH UV THE SLAWTERD INNOCENTS”
(LAIT ST. VALLANDIGUM), WINGERT'S CORNERS, OHIO, AND OF THE
“CHURCH UV THE NOO DISPENSASHUN,” SAINT'S REST, NEW
JERSEY; “PERFESSER UV BIBLIKLE POLITY IN THE
SOUTHERN MILITARY AND CLASSIKLE INSTITOOT,”
AND LATE POSTMASTER (UNDER A. JOHNSON)
AT CONFEDERATE × ROADS, “WICH IS
IN THE STAIT UV KENTUCKY.”
EMBRACING
His Trials and Troubles, Ups and Downs, Rejoicings and Wailings;
LIKEWISE
HIS VIEWS OF MEN AND THINGS.
TOGETHER WITH THE LECTURES
“CUSSID BE CANAAN,” “THE STRUGGLES OF A CONSERVATIVE
WITH THE WOMAN QUESTION,” AND “IN SEARCH
OF THE MAN OF SIN.”
WITH AN INTRODUCTION
By HON. CHARLES SUMNER.
ILLUSTRATED BY THOMAS NAST.
SOLD ONLY BY SUBSCRIPTION.
BOSTON:
I. N. RICHARDSON AND COMPANY.
1872.
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Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1872,
By D. R. LOCKE,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
ELECTROTYPED AT THE BOSTON STEREOTYPE FOUNDRY,
No. 19 Spring Lane.
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DEDIKASHUN.
TO THE
MAN,
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WHOEVER HE MAY BE, WHO SUCCEEDS IN BEIN ELECTED TO THE PRESIDENCY
BY THE DIMOCRATIC PARTY, AND WHO SHALL, IMMEJITLY AFTER HIS
INOGGERASHUN, APPINT ME TO THE POST OFFIS, FROM WICH
THE TYRANT GRANT DISMIST ME, THUS ASURIN AN OLD
DIMOCRAT, WHO NEVER SCRATCHED A TICKET,
AND ALLUZ TOOK HIS LIKKER STRATE
A COMFORTABLE END TO AN
UNCOMFORTABLE CAREER.
THIS VOLUME IS DEDIKATED,
BY THE AUTHOR,
WITH SENTIMENCE OF PROFOUND RESPECT,
PETROLEUM V. NASBY.
Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 15, 1872.
Preliminaries
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PREFIS.
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Uv the makin uv books there is no end. The press perpetooally
groans with a burden uv literatoor, and is bein perpetooally
delivered, sometimes to the advantage uv the world,
and sometimes vicy versy. I spose, ef I hed consulted the
literary men uv this country (wich I didn't), they wood hev
sed to me, “Don't publish this book; there's reely no okkashun
for it!” There isn't? Did the capchus adviser see the
state uv my pants? Did he observe the wreckt condishun of
my boots? Is he aware that I am in arrears for board? Not
publish my book! Kin I so far forget my dooty to humanity?
Its publikashen will at least do ONE suffrin man good, and that's
more than half uv the writers kin say. What recks it that
that one is ME? Wat posterity will say, I don't know; neither
do I care. I ain't labrin for posterity; neither did my father,
else I hed bin better off. Posterity may assign me a niche in
the temple uv massive intellex, or may not; it's all one to the subscriber.
I woodn't give a ten-cent postal currency for wat the
next generashen will do for me. It's this generashen I'm goin
for. So much for Buckinham!
I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for amoozement.
There hezn't bin anythin amoozin in Dimocrisy for the past
twelve years, and the standard-bearers, the captins uv fifties
and hundreds, the leaders uv the hosts, hev hed a ruther rough
time uv it. Our prominence made us uncomfortable, for we
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hev bin the mark uv every writer, every orator, ez well ez uv
every egg-thrower, in the country. When that gileless patriot,
Jeems Bookannon, retired to private life, regretted by all who
held office under him, Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon
a period uv darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern brethrin
made for their rites, rendered the position uv us Northern
Dimocrats eggstremely precarious. We coodent go back on
our friends South, for, knowin that peace must come, and that
when it did come we wood hev to, ez in the olden time, look
to them for support and maintenance, it behooved us to keep
on their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but alars!
there were laws agin treason, and two thirds uv the misguided
people North hed got into a way uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy
South had committed that crime, and they intimated that ef
we overstepped the line that divides loyalty from treason by
so much ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd make us suffer;
wich they did religiously. I, alone, hev suffered enuff for
several families uv martyrs.
But I anticipate. Twict doorin the fratrisidle struggle wich
drencht this happy land in goar, I wuz drafted into a service
I detested — twict I wuz torn from the buzzum uv my family,
wich I wuz gittin along well enough, even ef the wife uv my
buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit, and refooze to give me
sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence, preferrin
to squander it upon bread and clothes for the children, — twict,
I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuz forced to
desert to the Dimocrisy uv the South, rather than fite agin em.
When, finally, the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally
shot off, owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv
my gun, wich thumb wuz also accidentally across the muzzle
thereof, and I wuz no longer liable to military dooty, and cood
bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only steered clear uv Scylla
to go bumpin onto Charybdis. I coodent let Dimocrisy alone,
and the eggins — the ridin upon rails — the takin uv the
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oath — but why shood I harrow up the public buzzum? I
stood it all till one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled to
kneel onto my bare knees in the cold snow, the extremity uv
my under garment, wich modesty forbids me to menshun the
name uv it, fluttrin in a Janooary wind, and by a crowd uv
laffin soljers compelled to take the oath and drink a pint uv
raw, undilootid water! That feather broke the back uv the
camel. The oath give me inflamashen uv the brane and the
water inflamashen uv the stumick, and for six long weeks I lay,
a wreck uv my former self. Ez I arose from that bed and saw
in a glass the remains uv my pensive beauty, I vowed to wage
a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich havoc, and I hev
kept my oath.
I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively than any
man sence the time uv Paul. First I established a church uv
Democrats in a little oasis I diskivered in the Ablishn State uv
Ohio, to wit, at Wingert's Corners, where ther wuz four
groceries, but nary church or skool-house within four miles,
and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic, the
grocery keepers hevin mortgages on all the land around em —
but alars! I wuz forced to leeve it after the election of Linkin
in 1864. Noo Jersey bein the only state North wich wuz onsquelched,
to her I fled, and at Saint's Rest (wich is in Noo
Jersey) I erected another tabernacle. There I stayed, and et
and drank and wuz merry, but Ablishnism pursood me thither,
and in the fall uv '65 that State got ornery and cussid, and
went Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz forced
to pull up, and wend my weary way to Kentucky, where,
at Confedrit × Roads, I hoped to spend the few remainin
years uv my life. I wuz happy and contented. Under the
administrashen uv President Johnson, upon whose head blessins,
I wuz livin in the enjoyment uv that end uv the hopes uv
all Democrats, a Post Offis, with four well-regulated groceries
within a stun's throw, and a distillery ornamentin the landscape
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only a quarter uv a mile from where I rite these lines, with the
ruins uv a burnt nigger school-house within site uv my winder.
I wantid nothin more. I hoped to be allowed to live there and
thus forever, and that when Death should come, he wood find
me at Bascom's, enjoyin the deliteful society uv them wich I
am proud to call my friends.
But it wuz not to be so. Grant wuz elected, and per consequence
I wuz oustid. Weary uv life and heart-sick, I startid
a grosery in the 6th Ward, Noo York, where I hed hopes that
the Dimocricy wood rally to my support, and give me a suffishency
uv the two prime necessities uv life, — a roof and whiskey.
But that didn't anser. I drank up twenty-five per cent.
uv my stock, and the balance wuz sold on credit to that class
uv Dimocrats whose proudest boast is that they never pay a
bill. He needs to be an acoot man who deals with sich.
Unable to maintain myself there, I returned to Confedrit ×
Roads, where I am now livin, and where, probably, I shel die.
It is the most sootable place for me, for here I am entirely
safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us here. The
aristocracy uv this seckshun bleeve in freedom uv speech,
but they desire to exercise a supervision over it, that they
may not be led astray. They bleeve they'r rite, and for fear
they'd be forced to change their minds, whenever they git
into argument with anybody, ef the individooal gits the better
uv them, they to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence
Massychoosits can't disturb us here; the populashen is unanimously
Democratic, and bids fair to continyoo so.
It is proper to state that the papers uv which this volume is
composed wuz written at various times and under various
circumstances. They reflect the mind uv the author doorin
the most eventful years in his history, and mark the condition
uv the Dimocrisy from week to week. Consekently they
shift from grave to gay, from lively to severe, with much alacrity,
the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto the top
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wave uv success, and at other times bein down in the trough
uv despondency and despair.
I endoored life under Linkin, and enjoyed life under that
martyred saint, Johnson. But, alas! Johnson cooden't endoor.
Dimocrisy undertook to carry the President, and it broke
down under the load. Then the President undertook to carry
the Dimocrisy, and he broke down under that load. Both
were sootable to be carried, but neither hed the strength to
carry the tother. And so they lay, both at the bottom uv the
ditch uv despondency, lookin helplessly at each other, but
neither able to help his fellow-suffrer. They wood hev embraced,
but they hedn't strength enuff to roll together.
We hed seasons uv revival. Occasionally a state eleckshun
wood result in our favor, and we did succeed in capcherin Noo
York. That last triumph give us life; it infused vigger into
us. It operatid like a invigorator — a stiff wun — does onto
the bowels uv a Kentuckian whose flask is out, and who hezn't
bin neer a bar-room for thirty-six hours. It wuz strengthenin.
But even that wuzn't permanent. The Dimocrisy uv that
city hed a good thing, but their very eagernis rooined em.
Their grabs were so enormous ez to attract attention, and
down they went again. They killed the goose that laid the
golden egg. Hed the Dimocratic managers stolen litely, — that
is, hed they taken ten years to hev made theirselves millionaires
instid uv five, — they wood to-day hev bin in power, and
the Democrisy hev hed a nucleus around wich to rally. But
sich is fate. There is frosts wherever there is flowers.
I mite say more, but wherefore? Sich ez the book is, I hist
it at the public. Ez the record uv twelve years uv hopes and
fears, uv exaltation and depression, it may possess interest or
may not — 'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whether it is
well or ill received makes but little difference to me. The
public will not diskiver its merits or demerits till after they hev
bought the book (and paid for it, — for books is not like
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whiskey, sold on tick), and with the buyin uv the book my objeck is
attained. They may possibly murmur, but their murmurs
won't reach me, for before they kin reach the Cross Roads,
with our present mail facilities, I shel hev gone hentz. Before
that time my venerable biler, now weakened in spots, will hev
bustid, and I shel hev gone to join Elder Gavitt, John Guttle,
and the glorious army uv Dimocratic marters, wherever they
may be. For it is not given to man to live always, for wich a
Dimocrat who is too old to change may be trooly thankful.
P. V. N.
Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 20, 1872.
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INTRODUCTION.
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The Nasby Letters are now collected in a beautiful
volume, and the publishers have invited me to write
an Introduction. It can be only a word.
Beyond the interest in these letters as another
instance of a peculiar literature, — illustrated by
Major Jack Downing, Sam Slick, and the genius of
Hosea Biglow, — they have an historic character from
the part they performed in the war with slavery, and
in advancing reconstruction. Appearing with a certain
regularity and enjoying an extensive circulation, they
became a constant and welcome ally. Unquestionably
they were among the influences and agencies by
which disloyalty in all its forms was exposed, and
public opinion assured on the right side. It is impossible
to measure their value. Against the devices
of slavery and its supporters, each letter was like
a speech, or one of those songs which stir the
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people. Therefore they belong to the political history
of this critical period.
Of publications during the war, none had such
charm for Abraham Lincoln. He read every letter
as it appeared, and kept them all within reach for
refreshment. This strong liking illustrates his character,
and will always awaken an interest in the letters.
An incident in my own relations with him shows
how easily he turned from care to humor.
I had occasion to see President Lincoln very late
in the evening of March 17th, 1865. The interview
was in the familiar room known as his office, and
also used for cabinet meetings. I did not take leave
of him until some time after midnight, and then
the business was not entirely finished. As I rose,
he said, “Come to me when I open shop in the
morning; I will have the order written, and you
shall see it.” “When do you open shop?” said I.
“At nine o'clock,” he replied. At the hour named
I was in the same room that I had so recently
left. Very soon the President entered, stepping
quickly with the promised order in his hands,
which he at once read to me. It was to disapprove
and annul the judgment and sentence of a
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courtmartial in a case that had excited much feeling.
While I was making an abstract of the order for
communication by telegraph to the anxious parties,
he broke into quotation from Nasby. Finding me
less at home than himself with his favorite humorist,
he said pleasantly, “I must initiate you,” and then
repeated with enthusiasm the message he had sent to
the author: “For the genius to write these things I
would gladly give up my office.”
Rising from his seat, he opened a desk behind, and,
taking from it a pamphlet collection of the letters
already published, proceeded to read from it with
infinite zest, while his melancholy features grew bright.
It was a delight to see him surrender so completely
to the fascination. Finding that I listened, he read
for more than twenty minutes, and was still proceeding,
when it occurred to me that there must be many
at the door waiting to see him on graver matters.
Taking advantage of a pause, I rose, and, thanking
him for the lesson of the morning, went away. Some
thirty persons, including senators and representatives,
were in the ante-chamber as I passed out.
Though with the President much during the intervening
time before his death, this was the last business
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I transacted with him. A few days later he left
Washington for City Point, on the James River, where
he was at the surrender of Richmond. April 6th I
joined him there. April 9th the party returned to
Washington. On the evening of April 14th the bullet
of an assassin took his life.
In this simple story Abraham Lincoln introduces
Nasby.
Charles Sumner.
Washington, April 1st, 1872.
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LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
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Page
STEEL PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR Frontispiece.
PRESENTATION PAGE 1
NASBY BEING PHOTOGRAPHED: A STRIKING PICTURE 33
CHURCH OF ST. VALLANDIGUM, P. V. NASBY, PASTOR, AND HIS FLOCK. 71
NASBY COMMUNING WITH THE SPIRIT OF ANDREW JACKSON 102
HOW NASBY WOULD HAVE DIED IN THE LAST DITCH 170
THE “NIGGER” AS HE SHOULD BE — AS HE IS 192
DO YOU KNOW CHARLES SUMNER? 226
DEPLORABLE EFFECT OF THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION 231
NASBY'S DREAM OF RETRIBUTION 240
NASBY'S DREAM OF THE RECEPTION OF THE PATRIOTS 299
PROCESSION AT CONFEDRIT × ROADS 302
NASBY'S DREAM OF PERFECT BLISS 305
THE EXTEMPORANEOUS SPEAKERS 333
NASBY EXCITED OVER THE NEWS 338
THE ROUGH AND TUMBLE AT THE PATERNAL TOMB 370
NASBY IN THE CABINET 391
“I THUS EMBRACE.” 410
JOLLIFICATION AT THE WHITE HOUSE — THE THREE GRACES 414
“THREE CHEERS FOR JEFFERSON GREELEY.” 438
NIGGERS RECOGNIZING THEIR “MOSES.” 443
PARADE OF THE VIRGINS 476
“SUFFER LITTLE WHITE CHILDREN TO COME UNTO ME.” 481
NASBY DREAMS HE IS A GENUINE NEW YORK ARISTOCRAT. 552
THE GUILLOTINE HAS FALLEN ON POSTMASTER NASBY 590
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CONTENTS.
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LETTERS.
I. An Autobiographical Sketch.
Photograph of the Author. — Cost of Photograph. — Birthplace of the Author.—
Precocious Boyhood. — Origin of his Political Principles. — Education. —
Enterprise. — Misfortune. — Cruel Judge. — Objects of his Life. — Model Father.—
Benevolent Neighbors. — Versatility of Genius. — Becomes a Useful Member
of Society. — Striving for a Fortune. — Matrimonial Disaster. — Renewed Devotion
to his Life-work. — Becomes a Politician and Office-holder. — Is happy. 33
II. The Secession of Wingert's Corners.
Meeting of Citizens. — Nasby Chairman. — Address to the World adopted. —
Grievances. — Overburdened with Taxes, and without Share in the Offices. —
Independence declared. — Military Preparations. — The People resolute. 39
III. Negro Emigration.
Negro Population. — Dangers of the State. — An Alarm. — Resolutions. — Stirring
Appeal to Patriotism. 41
IV. Proposes to Celebrate the Fourth of July.
Order of Procession. — Exercises of the Day and Evening. 43
V. Annihilates an Oberlinite.
The Cause of the War. — Perversity and Obstinacy of Oberlin. — The American
Eagle. — Effect of Oberlin Ideas. 44
VI. Makes a Candidate “uv Hisself.”
Reasons. — Claims. — Capacity. — Principles. — More Resolutions. — States his
Position, which is Comprehensive. — Isn't particular what Office he has. 47
VII. Shows why he should not be Drafted.
Studies Himself. — Is Bald-headed. — Dandruff. — Catarrh. — Blind. — Bad Teeth.—
Diarrhœa. — Costiveness. — Ruptured. — Varicose Veins. — Corns. — And is
afflicted with Political Opinions. 50
VIII. In Canada.
Congratulations. — Unskilful Physicians. — Terrors of Night Travelling. — A
Voyage in an Open Boat. — The Hegira of the Invalids. — Cantious Canadian
Landlord. — Unpleasant Bedfellow. — Applies to his Wife for Money. 51
IX. Is finally Drafted.
Homeward Bound. — Happy Anticipations. — Disappointment. — His Nose betrays
Him. — Seeks Safety by Volunteering. — A Ray of Light. — Condensed
Ecstasy. — Patriotic Enthusiasm. — Affecting Message to Louisa Jane. 53
X. Deserts — His Experience in Clothes.
Escapes by a Fortunate Mistake. — Falls into the Hands of the Louisiana Pelicans. —
Their Uniform. — Changes his Uniform. — Provides his own Rations. 55
XI. Captures a Turkey.
Discomforts of Military Life. — Light Food and Clothing and Irregular Pay. —
Great Abundance of Money. — The Turkey. — Is confiscated. — Feast. 57
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XII. Improves his Fortunes by Marriage.
Misery. — An Extravagant Wife. — No Credit. — Marries a Widow. — Result of
the Speculation. — A Practical Joke. — Change of Views on Slavery Question. 59
XIII. Converses with a Southern Soldier.
A Great Rascal spoiled by Lack of Brains. — Family Misfortunes of a Southerner.—
The Utopia of Mechanics. — Nasby as a Watchmaker. — Prospective Success
of the Confederacy. 60
XIV. At Home.
Suffering for Principle. — Human Endurance limited. — Justification of Desertion. —
How Deserters fare at Home. — Hospitality of his Friends. — They take
up a Collection. — A Mistake. — The Difference explained. — Nasby retains the
Money. 62
XV. Assists Draft Resisters.
Drills the Heroes of Hoskinville. — Extraordinary Military Expertness. — A
Stratagem. — Arrested and imprisoned. 63
XVI. Strategies.
The Hobby of Democracy. — Disguises Himself. — Negro Invasion — Perfect
Success. — Deception justifiable. 65
XVII. Addresses the Soldiers.
Managers of the Democracy meet. — Alarming Stupidity. — Some Political Facts.—
Inroad of the Negroes. — An Appeal for Peace. 67
XVIII. Organizes a Democratic Church.
Dangerous Influence of Churches. — Nasby's Gigantic Intellect contrives a Harmless
Church. — Order of Exercises. — The Sunday School on a Pure Basis. —
Catechism. — Rewards to stimulate the Infant Mind. — A Festival. — Prospective
Good. — Touching Scene. — Virtue rewarded. 69
XIX. Goes on with his Church.
An Intelligent Audience. — The Sermon. — Tyranny denounced. — Democratic
Class-meeting. — Confessions. — Fines to be devoted to Missionary Service. —
A Rich Field. 71
XX. “Capcherd.”
Joins the Peace Forces at Millersberg. — Is made Commander-in-chief. — The
Enemy appear. — Taken and imprisoned at Columbus. — An Epistle to the
Church. — Begs to be shown some Little Attention. 73
XXI. Starts a Paper.
Insulting Remark. — The “Marter and Tyrent Resister” — Principal Contributors:
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. V. Nasby, P. Volcano Nasby, and Mr. Nasby. —
Appeal to the Democracy for Support. — Enthusiastic Reception by his Church.—
An Assault. — A Rescue. 74
XXII. Preaches, and makes a Sudden Shift.
The Draft Inevitable. — Precautionary Measures. — Two Sets of Resolutions. —
Immigration Encouraged. — The Sagacious Nasby. 76
XXIII. Observes a Day of Fasting.
Instructions to his Flock. — The Text. — The Silver Lining. — Conundrums in
the Pulpit. — Exhortation. — Census of the Church. — The Church safe. 78
XXIV. Confession of Faith.
A Glorious Season. — Eighteen added to the Church. — The Confession of Faith.—
Preparations for a Revival. 80
XXV. Visits Vallandigham.
The Prisoner. — A Scene. — His Motto “Nil despritrando.” — The Two Great Men
of the Age. — Plans for the Salvation of Ohio. — A Large Nest and a Small Hen. 81
XXVI Converses with a Brother.
The Wanderer returns. — Affectionate Reception. — Still holds to Democracy. —
Not up to the Times. — He repudiates his Party. — Denounces the Degeneracy
of the Times, and departs with the Blessings of Petroleum V. 83
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XXVII. Preaches — Subject, “Givin'.”
What is giving? — When should we give? — Democracy always Scriptural. —
Why we should give. — The Consequences of not giving. — A Great Lesson. 86
XXVIII. Visits Camp Dennison to Electioneer for Vallandigham.
Approaches a Party. — Sows his Seed. — Stony Ground. — Disagreeable Result. —
Outrages. — Sudden Retreat. — Escape. — Sick. 88
XXIX. Waileth.
Resolves to become a “Nunnery.” — Martial Law. — The Election Returns. —
Swoons — Despondency. — An Attempt at Suicide. — Foiled. — Prostration. —
Takes to Strong Drink. 90
XXX. In the “Apossel Biznis.”
A Democratic Propagandist. — Extracts from his Journal. — Pilgrimage. — Borrows
of the Faithful. — A Good Hair-dye. — Concessions Necessary to Compromise. —
Borrows Money, and gives his Note. — Benevolence a Characteristic. —
Borrows more Money, which he expects to pay. 92
XXXI. Has an Interview with the President.
A Modest Request on Behalf of Ohio Democracy. — Lincoln, struck with his
Modesty, promises to consider the Matter. — Encourages Nasby, who, without
Ambition, would accept a Post Office. — Dismisses himself impressively, and
walks off. 93
XXXII. Preaches.
The Text. — Why the Democracy needs saving. — A Broad Platform. — The Panacea
for Democratic Woes. — Abolitionists must be induced to Enlist. — And
Canadian Refugees to Return. — A Big Job. 96
XXXIII. Submits a Plan for the Salvation of the Democratic Party.
A Radical Change. — An Anecdote. — Resolves to Conciliate the Blacks. 98
XXXIV. Takes a Retrospective View.
The Good Old Times. — Disintegration of the Party. — Abolition creeps in. — An
Army of Ghosts. 99
XXXV. Communes with Spirits.
Nasby's Faith in Spiritualism. — A Happy Belief. — The Circle. — The Spirits of
the Fathers. — Unsatisfactory Answers. — All the Spirits Impostors. — The Last
Words of Douglas. — The Collection pays for the Use of the Church. 101
XXXVI. Tries an Experiment.
Perversity of the Human Race. — A Beautiful Provision of Nature. — The Strong
take the Weak under their Protection. — White Slavery Established in the
North. — A Strong-minded Woman. — The Result. — Disestablishes the System. 104
XXXVII. Establishes African Slavery.
Tries an Experiment with Negro Slavery. — Proves the Principle by the Scriptures. —
A Popular Scheme. — The Discussion. — Heretics in the Church. —
This System also fails. — Jordan a Hard Road. 106
XXXVIII. Opposes the Nomination of a Military Man.
Nasby a Man of Talent. — His Faith in Democracy. — McClellan's Want of Ability. —
Constitutional Rights Illustrated. — Grant too Bloody. — Party Gymnastics. —
The Style of Man Needed. — A Happy Thought. 108
XXXIX. Tries to Awaken an Interest.
Gloomy Forebodings. — An Effort at Strategy. — Disappointment. — Terrible Falling
off. — Drifting. — His Congregation Lukewarm. 110
XL. Recommends Unanimity.
An Incident. — Borrowing a Family Trait. — A Parable. — Discouraging Work. —
Moral. 112
XLI. Again repudiates McClellan, and gives Reasons therefor.
No Elements of Success. — If elected, would be of no Use. — The Parable of the
Circus Rider. 114
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XLII. Ordains a Missionary.
A Promising Candidate. — The Charge after Ordination. — The Ship “Democracy”
headed for the Rocks of Destruction. — Rules for a Democratic Missionary. 116
XLIII. Gives Thanks.
A Psalm of Praise. — Proviso. 118
XLIV. Waileth.
A Wail. — Distraction. — A Terrible Bereavement. 120
XLV. Fremont's Nomination.
The Right Man in the Right Place. — Encouraging Prospects. 122
XLVI. The Return of Vallandigham.
Great Rejoicing. — Somewhat Mixed. — The Exile's Duty to his Party. — A
Troublesome Friend. — The Author's Affection surpassed by his Patriotism. 123
XLVII. Defines his Position, and appeals for Aid.
Obstacles to Democratic Success. — The Corner Stone. — Superstitions of the
Churches. — The Principle of Property in the Negro derived from Blackstone.—
A Weak Point in Every Democratic Principle. — Laborers Plenty, but Harvest
Scant. — Contributions can safely be sent to any Regular Officer. 125
XLVIII. Declares for Repudiation, and Union with the South.
Certain Success of the Southern Confederacy. — Reconciliation of Democracy
with New England Impossible. — Confederacy will not undertake to pay our
Debt. — Repudiation a Dirty Trick. — Democracy must do it. 127
XLIX. Shows that a War Platform won't do for the Democracy.
Contemplates retiring from Public Life. — Prospective Destruction of Democracy
Immediate. — Success Equally Dangerous with Defeat. — Clear Elucidation of
the Proposition. — Success not Desirable, and why. 130
L. Has a Class-meeting, and Deprecates Negro-killing.
The Speech of the Saints. — Brother Siples is Weak, but has his Faith Strengthened. —
Another Weak One Strengthened. — Misdirected Enthusiasm. — A
Little Computation. — Vile Slanders refuted. — An Honest Man. — Southern
Ardor Dampened. — A Touching Picture. — Nasby's Flock still Strong. 131
LI. Starts a Society of His Own.
An Order adapted to the Party. — The Ritual. — A Series of Interesting Queries.—
Position of the Society strong. — Appeals to the Natural Instincts of its
Members 132
LII. Indorses the Nomination.
Always does from Principle. — Biographical Sketch of a Candidate. — The Father
of the Man. — His Railroad Experience. — His Military Career Well Known. —
Nasby accepts the Platform, and takes up a Collection. 134
LIII. The Candidates and Platform.
The Enthusiasm for McClellan. — Diversity of Opinion. — The Idea of Brother
Guttle. — Is a little Particular. — Consolatory Remarks of the Pastor. — An
Accommodating Platform. — Guttle Squelched 137
LIV. Waileth.
Psalm of Humiliation and Agony. — A Double-barrelled Wail. — A Cry of Anguish. —
A Heart-rending Wail. — Job, Naaman, and Samson discounted. — The
Ox and the Ass. — Curses the Day of his Birth. 139
LV. Lamenteth.
Reaches a Conclusion. — A Reason of Mourning. — Psalm. — Nowhere to turn.—
A Prayer for Victory. 141
LVI. Has a Dream.
Dreams are Unsubstantial. — Likewise Ghosts. — An Exploration of the Future.—
An Interesting Examination. — A Prince in Disguise. — A Case of Slander.—
Reflections on Posterity. 143
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LVII. Loses a Friend, and Writes his Obituary.
The Fallen Pillar. — A Beautiful Trait of Character. — Commences his Political
Career. — Perseverance. — Death Hastened by Disappointment. — A Consistent
Member of the Church. — Comprehensive Political Principles. — Direct Cause
of his Death. — His Last Words 145
LVIII. Has a Difficulty with his Flock, and leaves it.
Freedom's Squawk. — A Happy Reason. — The Dream changes. — How the Result
was Accounted for. — Fraud. — A Strategical Retreat. — Bids Farewell to
his Flock, and departs for New Jersey 148
LIX. Deprecates the Arming of the Slaves by the South.
A Dissertation on Blood. — Inferiority of Northern White Soldiers. — Chivalry
of Officers. — A Touching Picture. — Fearful Destruction of Property. — Consolation
of Democracy. — What ought to be done 150
LX. Has a Frightful Dream.
Is afflicted with Dreams. — Jefferson at the Funeral of Democracy. — Is Surprised. —
More Surprises. — And still more. — Douglas speaks over the Dead
Body. 152
LXI. Proposes an Emigration of the Democracy.
Thoughts derived from the Bible. — The Dangerous Remedy. — A Mathematical
Calculation. — How to Make Heroes. — A Nation of Office-holders 154
LXII. Consults the Spirits.
Has no Faith in Spirits. — Too Ethereal. — Some Tests. — An Assortment of Spirits. —
Some Necessary, but Unpleasant Truths. — Secession caused by the North. 156
LXIII. Waileth and Curseth.
Bad News. — A Wail and Curse. — An Epidemic. — “Speshly hot” Curse. —
Sherman's “Cussidness.” 158
LXIV. Renounces Slavery.
Wages of Sin. — Why he Renounces Slavery. — The Car of Emancipation. — The
Devil's Work. — Sighs for the Fate of Jonah. — Juggernaut. — The Circular 160
LXV. Lamenteth.
A Soul-rending Lamentation. — Surrounded by Enemies. — The Provost-Marshal. 162
LXVI. Details the Failures of the Democracy.
The Stupidity of the People mourned over. — Failures in the Business of Prophesying. —
The People Crazy. — Convinced of the Truth of the Millerite Doctrine. 163
LXVII. Mr. Nasby and his Friends hold a Meeting on the
Fall of Charleston.
A Moist Season. — The Resolutions. — Adopted. — Nasby makes a Speech. — The
Fall of Charleston a Blessing. — Makes a Sensation. — And takes Occasion to
borrow a little Money 164
LXVIII. Lamenteth over the Apostasy of the Saints.
Tidings of Evil. — A Succession of Misfortunes. — Weeping and Cursing of no
Avail. — A Loss of Faith in Humanity. — The Backbone of the Party gone 167
LXIX. The Fall of Richmond, and Lee's Surrender.
Concentration. — Lee Surrenders. — Contemptible Actions of the Southern People. —
The Last Concentrate Concentrated. — Democracy about to Dic of Chagrin
and other things. — Nasby resolves to become a Nun 169
LXX. The Assassination.
A Nation in Mourning. — Nasby Mourns. — Why. — Why he ever Disliked Lincoln. —
Forgives him. — The Change not for the Better 171
LXXI. Makes a “Delegashun uv Hisself,” and Visits the President.
Delegations in Vogue. — Defence of New Jersey. — Responsibility of the President. —
The Only Plan. — Difference 173
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LXXII. Has a Vision.
Ancient Dreams Prophetical. — Reception at the Gates of Heaven. — Better Reception
in another Place. — Interview with Satan. — His Property. — In Fee. —
Mortgages. — Who will and Who will not. — A Narrow Escape. — A Happy
Awakening 175
LXXIII. Lays down a Platform for the coming Campaign.
What the Matter is. — Red Flag of the Democracy. — “Save us from Nigger
Equality.” — Central Committees must furnish them. — If they won't steal, the
Committee must for them 178
LXXIV. Meets a “Reconstructid Suthern Chivelry, and hez
Confidences.”
General Marion Sumpter Fitzhugh Gusher. — A True Gentleman. — Parental Affection
for the Old Flag. — State Rights. — A Child of Nature. — Conditions of
Peace. — Generosity of Southern Democracy. — A Noble Man. — Nasby becomes
a Lender 180
LXXV. Dreams a Dream.
A Common Recreation. — A Monument to the Heroes of Gettysburg. — The Insult
to General McGoryum. — Indignant Speech. — The Compromise 183
LXXVI. Issues an Address to the Southern Democracy.
Two Discoveries. — Past Misfortunes. — What to do, and How to do it. — Enterprising
Yankee. — Duties of Legislators. 186
LXXVII. Searches the Scriptures, and Gets Comfort therefrom.
The Nigger past finding out. — Nasby dejected. — His Cure. — Providential Origin
of the Nigger. — The Story of Noah. — Light. — Moral 188
LXXVIII. Opposes the Nomination of Soldiers.
Halting between two Opinions. — Parable of the Doctor. — His Objections. — Political
Capital enough 190
LXXIX. Suggests a Psalm of Sadness for his Friends South.
A Psalm of Agony. — The Nigger. — Lincoln's Sin. — A Supplication for Mercy 192
LXXX. A Horrible Vision.
Campbell. — Nasby's Superiority. — The Lost Negro. — The Death Scene. — Fernando
Wood's Grief. — Funeral Orations. — What Horace Greeley said. —
Awakening 194
LXXXI. Meets a Pardoned Rebel, who Enlightens Him.
General Mosher. — A Model Man. — Unnecessary Fear. — Fate of the Ancient
Chivalry. — Hopes. — A Child of Pious Parents 199
LXXXII. On Southern Character.
Delusions. — The Effect of Novel Reading. — Youthful Credulity. — The Ideal
Southerner. — The Real Southerner 201
LXXXIII. On the Diversity of the Races.
Unfortunate Necessity of Giving a Reason. — No Reason to Give. — An Ethnological
Point. — A Sound Theory 204
LXXXIV. Has a Conversation with the Devil.
New Jersey in Danger. — Consolatory Remarks. — A Happy and Prosperous
Devil. — His Fears and Hopes. — A Pleasant Country. — Fiendish Plans. — A
Warm Embrace 206
LXXXV. Appeal to the Democracy.
A Time for Action. — A Variety of Platforms. — A Subject for Contemplation. —
New Jersey Safe 209
LXXXVI. After the October Elections, 1865.
Abolitionism Rampant. — An Interrupted Speech. — And a Sudden Ending. —
Mockery. — A Heavy Democratic Majority in the Future 212
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LXXXVII. After the New Jersey Election, 1865.
Prospective Happiness. — A Terrible Blow. — A Sad Song. — A Wail. — Horrible
Visions. — Where shall Refuge be found? 214
LXXXVIII. A Conversation with General McStinger, of the State
of Georgia, which is interrupted by a Subjugated Rebel.
Washington. — Comfortable Quarters. — The Offended Chivalry. — The Conditions
of Reconciliation. — An Interruption. — What Mr. Maginnis had to say.—
His Advice 217
LXXXIX. A Remarkable Dream — A Country Settled exclusively
by Democrats.
A Second St. John. — The Democratic Exodus. — Consternation among the Natives. —
The President. — Oath waived. — Numbering the Host. — Clergy. —
Candidates for Office. — Murmurings and Discontent. — The Moral 221
XC. A Change of Base — Kentucky — A Sermon which was
interrupted by a Subjugated and Subdued Confederate.
An Anchor. — Cheap Tools. — A Stupid Blunder. — Cheap Drinks. — Wages of
Sin. — What is Sin? — Another Sermonizer. — The same Text from a different
Stand-point. — A Disagreeable Conclusion 225
XCI. The Effect the Proclamation of Secretary Seward produced
in Kentucky.
The Dark Deed. — The Wail of the Patriarch. — A Fainting Scene. — The Misery
of Abolitionism 229
XCII. A Conversation with a Loyal Kentuckian who had Faith
in the Final Triumph of Democracy.
A Hopeful Kentuckian. — His Cure. — Pleasant Anticipations. — A Difficulty
Settled. 232
XCIII. A Plan Suggested for the Up-building of the Democracy.
Light. — A Suggestion. — The Social Sliding Scale. — The Nigger must be Cultivated. —
The Negro a Man. — And is sweeter than the Night-blooming Cereus.—
The Foundation of the New Temple 235
XCIV. Enjoys a Vision of the Next World, Seeing therein many
Curious Things, which are Published as a Warning to Politicians.
Evening Meal. — A Light Supper. — The Dividing Line. — Myriads of Little Devils. —
Their Amusement. — Satan's Ideas. — His Hopes 239
XCV. The Situation — The Democracy Warned.
The Trouble of Living on Faith. — “Where is the Offices?” — Nasby's Recommendation. —
The Central Idea. — Will he do it? 243
XCVI. The President's 22d of February Speech.
The Capture of the President. — Unsound Reasons. — A Description of the Captors. —
And their Enthusiasm. — A Genuine Democrat. — The Great Question. 246
XCVII. The President Implored to Show his Hand.
A Protest. — Humanity Deceptive. — Reasons of the Speech. — Hesitation. — The
Price of Allegiance. — The Central Figure 250
XCVIII. The Patriarchal System — An Affecting, Appeal in Behalf
of a Friend.
Free Negroes Successful. — John Guttle. — An Old Friend. — The Guttle Family.—
Their Downfall. — Former Hospitality. — Guttle and the Democracy 253
XCIX. A Dream — The Course of Republicanism.
An Interview with the President. — A Sad Want of Tact. — Corpse of Republicanism. —
Dividing the Raiment. — Expressions of Grief. — The Struggle over
the Plunder 256
C. A Kentucky Tea Party.
Infidelity. — The Southern Idea of Sumner. — Pollock, the Disturber. — A Painful
Investigation. — A Very Remarkable Coincidence. — The Commandment. —
A Democratic Interpretation. — Assertion of Superiority. — Mrs. Pogram threatens
War. — More about Sumner 260
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CI. A Psalm of Gladness — Veto of the Civil Rights Bill.
An Exultant Strain. — What shall Come to Pass. — Blessed be Moses 265
CII. A Cry of Exultation — A Gleam of Light.
The Moses. — Change of Israelites. — The Parable of the Eel. — Process of Reconstruction. —
A Kentucky Code. — A Striking Tableau. 267
CIII. A Wail of Anguish — The Passage of the Civil Rights Bill
over the Veto.
A Kettle full of Curses. — Fire fed with Oil. — The American Moses. — The Seven
Devils. — The Serpent. — Effect of Civil Rights Bill. — Gloomy Prospect. 271
CIV. Mournful View of the Situation.
The Useless Curse. — Negro Impudence. — Where is the Curse? — What the President
should do. 275
CV. The Reconstructed Congratulate the Country upon the
Memphis Outbreak.
The Unpleasantness at Memphis. — An Orator who understands his Subject. —
Great Success. — Deep Foundations of Democracy. — Impertinent Questions by
a Beast. — The Argument. 277
CVI. The Workings of the Freedmen's Bureau — A Report.
An Unbiassed Report. — The Congregation Assemble. — What Captain Skelper
knows about Bureaus. — The Infamous Bureau. — How it spoiled the Negroes.—
Its Removal Necessary to the Welfare of the Country. 281
CVII. Presides at a Church Trial.
Examination of Witnesses. — An Important Point. — Guilty, but Justified. — Full
Explanation. — Prisoner Discharged. — The Court's Address to the People. 285
CVIII. Turns a Meeting, called to indorse General Rosseau, to
Account.
Chairman. — Resolutions. — The Everlasting Post Office. — Resolutions Unanimously
Adopted without Reading. 288
CIX. Preaches — “The Prodigal Son” — An Interruption.
Splendid Congregation. — Promising Prospects. — A Plain Statement. — Applying
the Moral. — The Abolitionists Preach, but won't Practice — The Church Militant. —
And its Statement. 291
CX. A Pleasant Dream, the Philadelphia Convention being the
Subject thereof.
His Dreams mostly Nightmares. — The Organization. — Who should be Admitted. —
From the North. — From the South. — Garret Davis's Speech. — The
Resolutions. — Tableau. — The Awakening. 295
CXI. Reward of Virtue — The Virtuous Patriot Secures his
Loaf — Jollification.
Receives his Commission. — The Johnsonian Catechism. — A Procession. — The
Deacon's Speech. — Bascom's Remarks. — Congratulatory Addresses. — The
Resolutions. 300
CXII. The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadelphia — A
Description of that Memorable Occasion by One who had been
Provided for.
Perfect Satisfaction. — The Delegate. — The Prevalence of the Military. — What
they all had in their Eyes. — Nasby is Overcome, and Faints. — Is Carried Out.—
The Party Bonds. — The Story of the Irishman. 305
CXIII. The Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb of
Douglas — From Washington to Detroit.
Nasby summoned to Washington. — Appointment of a Chaplain. — Preliminary
Discussion of the Journey. — The Setting Hen. — The Start. — The New York
Reception. — The Progress. — Albany. — An Unkind Cut. — Schenectady. —
Nasby a Man much sought after. — Utica. — The Speech. — Rome. — Lockport.—
Too much Swing. — Trouble at Cleveland. — The Procession of One. — Fremont. —
At Detroit. — Brilliant Effort of the President. 310
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CXIV. The Presidential Tour Continued — From Detroit to
Indianapolis.
Nasby at Home. — The Presidential Cavalcade at Ypsilanti. — Enthusiasm of the
People. — Ann Arbor. — More Enthusiasm. — Battle Creek. — Cheers. — Kalamazoo. —
At Chicago. — The Ethiopian Cooks. — Trouble at the Biddle House.—
A Dilemma. — Nasby Gently Persuaded. — Joliet. — Crowd Immense. — St.
Louis. 316
CXV. The End of the Presidential Tour — From Louisville to
Washington.
Gratified at last. — A Touching Incident. — A Gushing Maiden. — Continuation
of the Diary. — Cincinnati. — Enthusiastic Reception. — Unsophisticated Postmaster. —
Great Variety in the President's Speeches. — At Johnstown, Pa. —
Mifflin, Pa. — A Spontaneous Tribute. — Baltimore. — Arrival at Washington. —
Postscript. 320
CXVI. At Home again — A Detailed Account of Soul-harrowing
Outrages inflicted upon the People of Confederate × Roads
by a Party of Freedmen, and how the Insult was Wiped out.
At Home again. — A Negro Settlement. — Meeting of the Saints. — Speeches by
the Brethren. — Pollock advises. — The Result. — A Reconstruction Movement.—
An Unendurable Outrage. — Remarkable Forbearance. 324
CXVII. Is requested to act as Chaplain of the Cleveland Convention—
That Beautiful City Visited for that Purpose.
A Chaplain Necessary. — The Soldiers in Attendance. — Enthusiasm of the Delegates. —
A Prisoner secured. — A Man of Principle. — Speeches. — The Extemporaneous
Speaker. — The Wrong Carpet Bag. 329
CXVIII. An Appeal to the People just before the October
Electious.
The Sins of Congress. — To the Democracy direct. — The Magnanimity of the
South. — The Bruised Reed. — A Moving Appeal. 334
CXIX. The October Elections — The Effect the Result Produced
in Kentucky.
Deacon Pogram's Suggestion. — Joe Bigler's Definition of Conservative. — The
Pogram Household. — The Effect of the News. — Fruits of Radicalism. 338
CXX. The October Elections — Mr. Nasby's Opinion on the
Cause of the Defeat of the President.
The Cabinet Meeting. — The Testimony of an Official. — How an Expert did it.—
The Main Pillar. — The Cabinet in Tears. 342
CXXI. Will you have Andrew Johnson President or King? —
A Dream in which Andrew Johnson Figures as a King, surrounded
by his Nobles.
Nasby of an Imaginative Nature. — The Reception Night of “Androo the I.” —
His High Mightiness. — The Servants. — The Arrival of the Nobility. — The
Prisoners of State. — “The last uv the Tribunes.” — What had been done. — A
Postmaster as Good as a Nobleman. 346
CXXII. A Cabinet Meeting — Letters from Rev. Henry Ward
Beecher, General Custar, Henry J. Raymond, and Hon. John
Morrissey, each Anxious to Preserve his Reputation — A Sad
Time at the White House.
Several Gentlemen Alarmed for their Reputations. — Mr. Beecher's Respect for
the Office. — The Morrissey Seal. — A Broken Heart. 350
CXXIII. A Sermon upon the November Elections, from the
Text, “No Man Putteth New Wine into Old Bottles,” with a
Digression or Two.
A Mournful Season at the Corners. — The Happy Negro. — A Servant unto his
Brethren. — The New Wine in Old Bottles. — Old Cloth on a New Garment. —
The Conclusion. 355
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CXXIV. The Amnesty Proposition — The Cross Roads made
the Victim of a Cruel Hoax.
The Little Game of Draw. — The New York Drummer. — The Joy which Filled
the Corners. — Moderate Qualifications. — The Superiority of the Caucasian
Race Vindicated. — The Deacon's Exposition. — Sad Discovery. 359
CXXV. Mr. Nasby Projects a College.
A Southern College. — The Deacon's Idea of Education. — The College Grounds.—
The Faculty. — Curriculum. — The Executive Committee. 363
CXXVI. Mr. Nasby Tries to Weep at the Tomb of a Friend.
The Death of John Guttle. — Sad Reflections. — Causes of his Death. — The
Guttle Family. — The Negro an Imitative Animal. — Mr. Nasby at the Grave.—
The Meeting of the Daughters. — Interesting Conversations. — The Wreck
that Ensued. 367
CXXVII. Mr. Nasby in North Carolina — The Abrogation of
General Sickles's Order.
Colonel Podgers. — The Insult. — The Trial and Decision. — Nasby's Modesty. —
And Colonel Podgers's Liberality. 370
CXXVIII. Mr. Nasby's Account of his Stewardship — Laying
the Corner Stone of the College Edifice.
The Report. — Where the Money went to. — Indignation. — Laying the Corner
Stone. — Reflections on Posterity. — Tableau. 374
CXXIX. Mr. Nasby Essays a Sermon, but is Interrupted by a
Nigger.
A Devoted Flock. — The Text. — Ethnological Proofs. — An Unexpected Interruption. —
“Out of the Mouths of Babes and Sucklings.” — An Awkward Argument. —
An Immense Condemnation. 378
CXXX. Mr. Nasby does the Cross Roads a Service.
Peace at the Corners. — Studies. — The Uses of Northerners. — A Discovery. —
Brother Lee's Experience. — His Conclusion. — Deacon Pogram's Joy. 382
CXXXI. An Important Case at the Corners under the Vagrant
Act — The Decision of Squire Gavitt.
The Case Stated. — The Trial. — Sudden Adjournment of the Court. — How the
Negro was made a Vagrant. — Unconstitutional Laws. — The Decision. 387
CXXXII. Mr. Nasby is Despatched by the President upon a
Mission, similar to that of Mr. McCracken.
The McCracken Mission. — A Dirty Business. — An Anecdote. — Discovers the
Causes of Defeat. — New York Postmasters round. — In Ohio. — The Disguised
Nobleman. — His Success. — An Affecting Incident. — Discomforts of Travel. 391
CXXXIII. Mr. Nasby's Board Commences the Compilation of
a Series of School Books for the, “Institoot.”
That Corner-Stone. — The Proposed Series. — Some Examples. — Joe Bigler interferes. —
And makes Trouble. — His Examples. — Recommends their Adoption
emphatically 395
CXXXIV. Mr. Nasby desires Confirmation — Is Advised How
to Proceed by the President, but Rejects the Proposition with
Scorn.
Reflections. — His former Visit to Washington. — Willard's. — The President's
Dodge. — The Letter. — A Satisfactory Explanation. — A Spasm of Faithfulness
399
CXXXV. Mr. Nasby takes a Retrospective View.
The Military Law. — Grecian Strategy. — An Organ Backslides. — Discouraged. 404
CXXXVI. Mr. Nasby, in Imitation of Wade Hampton, tries to
Conciliate the African.
An Official Order. — Which was promptly obeyed. — Buying Negroes. — A Stirring
Speech. — The Universal Brotherhood. — A Spoiled Scene. — The Minutes
not preserved. — Want of Capital. — Joe Bigler's Advice 408
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CXXXVII. The Connecticut Election.
Sensation at the Corners. — The Deacon Electioneering. — A Sudden Change. —
A Cabinet Jollification. — Carnival at the White House. — The Removal of the
Institute. — A Demoralized Yankee. — Nasby's Prospects. — The Normal Condition.
412
CXXXVIII. The Russian Purchase.
Origin of the Idea. — A Dangerous Position. — Nasby's Suggestion. — Testimonials
to the Value of the Country. — From a Naval Officer. — Furs. — Professions. —
The Isothermal Line. — Seward's Enthusiasm. — The Real Point. —
Nasby's Opinion. — The Assignments. 417
CXXXIX. A Slight Alteration in the Name and Policy of Mr.
Nasby's “Institoot.”
A Meeting of the Faculty. — Ham and Japheth. — Bascom's Resolutions. — Why
Offered. — The Deacon's Doubt. — Removed by Bascom. 422
CXL. Mr. Nasby Preaches a Sermon, the Effect of which is
Destroyed by Northern Papers.
Trouble with the Niggers. — A Mixed Congregation. — The Sermon itself. — The
Scene after Service. — Spoiled the Next Day. — The Northern Papers. — Reproaches
the Brethren at the North. 426
CXLI. The Decease of Elder Gavitt.
The Fallen Pillar. — Birth and Education. — He didn't Read. — Why? — A Steadfast
Democrat. — The Cause of his Death. — The Sad Event. — The Funeral.—
Ends with a Row. — Contributions for the Monument. 430
CXLII. Triumphal Progress of J. Davis from Fortress Monroe
to Richmond.
Release of Jefferson Davis. — Generous Magnanimity. — The Perfect Arrangements. —
Sympathy. — The Conference. — His Grief. — Scene in the Court
House. — Out on Bail. — His Plans. 435
CXLIII. An Account of the Trip to Raleigh.
The Discussion in the Cabinet. — Seward Approves the Trip. — Randall opposes
it. — The Determination. — Affecting Demonstrations of Popular Favor. — The
President's Speech. — The Penniless Boy. — The Monument. — Affecting
Scene. — The Tableau. 437
CXLIV. The Boston Excursion.
Randall's Opinion. — Prospects of a Successful and Delightful Tour. — Decides to
go. — In New York. — A Massachusetts Governor. — His Welcome. — The
President's Reply. — A Precautionary Measure. — The Boston Way of doing it. 445
CXLV. Mr. Nasby Dreams a Dream.
Inquiries from the South. — The Dying Giant. — The Heavy Load. — The Catastrophe. —
Interpretation and Moral. 450
CXLVI. The Negro Question — The Change.
Too many Reasons. — A Simple Proposition. — Religion vs. Politics. — A Hard
Point. — A Test Case. — Astrological Examination. — A Mathematical Demonstration. —
The Intellectual Difference. — Too much Investigation. — Too many
Facts. — Terrible Result. 453
CXLVII. A Consultation at the Corners, followed by a Dream.
Conferring Degrees. — The Next President. — The Dream. — Disguising the Lion.—
And his Death. — The Interpretation. — Nasby Approves the Nomination. 459
CXLVIII. An Amnesty Proclamation.
A Familiar Consultation. — The President's Confidence. — Letters. — The President's
Strategy. — The Proclamation decided on. — Nasby Delighted. 463
CXLIX. Mr. Nasby in a Democratic County in Southern Ohio.
The Inducement. — A Description of the Town. — An Excited Populace. —
Taxes. — Painful Experience. — Friends Moving. — The Speech. — The Peroration. —
An Unpleasant Denouement. 468
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CL. The Antietam Dedication.
At Washington. — The Cabinet. — Making an Address. — Corrections. — The
Speech Completed. — An Objection overruled 472
CLI. Mr. Nasby Assists in the Ohio Election — The Defeat of
the Amendment.
The Preparations. — The Parades. — Anti-Negro Feeling. — Deep Feeling in the
Community. — Intelligence. — The Effect in Kentucky. — Meeting at the Cross
Roads. — The Faculty of the Institute determine to Revise the Scriptures. —
The Word “White.” 476
CLII. A Meeting at the Corners.
Cogitation over the Elections. — The Regular Speech. — And the Regular Interruption. —
Diluted Capital. — Illustrations. — The Troubled Sisters. — Sudden
Adjournment 481
CLIII. The November Election.
Joy at the Corners. — A Picture. — The Meeting. — Deacon Pogram's Claim. —
Other Claims. — The Discussion. — An Effort and a Failure. 485
CLIV. Mr. Nasby Regulates a School.
Written under Happy Circumstances. — The Disturber, Lett. — Trouble in the
School. — The Expulsion. — The Morey Girls. — Recuperation 490
CLV. The Alabama Convention — The Woes of John Guttle, Jr.
A Fearful Night. — A Chip of the Old Block. — A Disconsolate Crowd. — The
Troubles of Guttle. — The Convention. — Who were there. — Ruin ahead 494
CLVI. A Convention of Sufferers.
Nasby's Letter. — His Sufferings. — A Brief History. — His Tableau in Canada. —
Sufferings of a Saint. — And the Reward. 498
CLVII. The Decease of Elder Pennibacker.
Moral Reflections. — Nasby does not Waste Strength. — A Fallen Pillar. — Sketch
of his Life. — His Many Virtues. — Was an Inventor. — A Dilemma. — The
Last Illness. — A Happy Death. — A General Disappointment. 502
CLVIII. The Pendleton Theory in Kentucky.
Silence at the Corners accounted for. — Mr. Bigler's Grief. — The Theory not
Original. — How the Old Thing Works. — Unexpected Result. — Bascom's Triumph. —
The Peace-Makers. — Peace Restored. 505
CLIX. The Impeachment Matter.
At Washington. — Letter from Belmont. — Letter from Pierce. — Other Letters.—
Mr. Randall's Conclusion. 509
CLX. Pollock vs. Bigler.
Excitement at the Corners. — The Trouble Increases. — Two Large Families. —
The Terrible Examination. — Trouble among the Deacons. — The Reconciliation
513
CLXI. Sergeant Bates in Pettusville, Virginia.
The Procession. — Reception Speech. — A Discourse on the Flag. — Concluding
Ceremonies 518
CLXII. A Convention at the Corners.
Former Mode of Argument. — Joe Bigler interferes with the County Convention.—
The Discussion of his Rights. — Resolutions, Regular and Irregular. — Bigler's
Resolutions. — Posterity. — Meaning of the Term. — The Convention Dissolved
522
CLXIII. The Preparation of the Martyr for the Coming Event.
Mrs. Cobb's Adieu. — Her Circumstances. — The President's Simple Wants. —
His Determination. — What his Friends say. 525
CLXIV. The Impeachment Failure — The Feeling at the White
House.
Great Excitement. — Despatches from Friends. — The Coolness of Randall. — A
Dream. — A Race. — Stripping the Racers. — The Start 528
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CLXV. The Chicago Convention — Mr. Nasby gets on a Heavy
Disgust.
In the Wrong Pew. — Hospitality of the Various Delegations. — Insult to Kentucky. —
A Judicious Pause. — A Short Discourse on Democracy. — The Great
Idea 533
CLXVI. The Democratic Candidate for the Presidency.
Mr. Nasby's Nominee. — Why? — Jethro L. Kippens. — Is Geographically Level.—
Nobody knows him. — Happy Position on the War Question. — Has the Elements
of Popularity. — Other Qualifications. — Is National in his Views 537
CLXVII. Mr. Nasby a Delegate to New York.
On the Way to New York. — Assaults a Nigger. — His Success. — Finds him a
Delegate. — Resolutions. — Determined to be Suited 540
CLXVIII. A Futile Attempt to Ratify the Nominations at the
Corners.
The Decorations. — A Good Beginning. — Trouble. — Excited Discussion. — Nasby's
Safety. — The Terrible Ending 544
CLXIX. The Presidential Election.
Bad News. — The Election of Grant. — Fate. — The Dark Future. — Mr. Bigler's
Advice to the Deacon. — A Prophecy 548
CLXX. Mr. Nasby goes to New York, and establishes himself
in Business.
A Change of Base. — The Outfit. — His Friends Encourage Him. — Indulges in a
Dream. — His Sign. — The Opening. — Nasby Treats the Crowd, and is a Popular
Man. — The Opening too Gorgeous. — The Awakening and Ending 551
CLXXI. Mr. Nasby and his Friends Consider the Question of
Bread and Butter.
A Discussion. — He Proposes to Settle Somewhere. — Distance an Object. — To
his Friends. — Joe Bigler's Suggestions. — The Life of an Organ Grinder. —
Objections. — His Friends force Assistance on Him. — An Obstacle 555
CLXXII. Mr. Nasby Finds a New Business, which Promises
Ample Profits.
A Light. — A Prosperous Beginning. — His First Clients. — The Claim. — What is
Loyalty? — A History of the Claims. — How it Was. — Another Outrage. —
Numerous Claims at the Corners 558
CLXXIII. The Last Outrage upon Kentucky — Passage of the
Constitutional Amendment by the House.
Nasby's Influence on the Right Side. — A Pleasant Picture. — Effect of the Outrage
on the Corners. — How it Was. — Majesty of the Law. — How it Will be.—
Practice in Justice Pennibacker's Court. — A Weak Point in the Amendment.—
The Only Hope 561
CLXXIV. The Last Cabinet Meeting — The End of the Johnson
Reign.
The Contrast. — A Moist Administration. — The Calm President. — His Last
Acts. — The Leave Taken. — The Cabinet. — What will Become of Randall. —
What the Rest will do. — The Magnanimous Johnson. 565
CLXXV. Mr. Nasby Witnesses a Procession of the Sons of Erin.
The Enthusiasm. — A Dream. — The Banquet. — St. Gumbo. — Letters of Regret.—
Mr. Nasby Regrets that he was not a Negro. 570
CLXXVI. The Corners Outraged.
A Crowning Disgrace. — A Nigger Assessor. — A Peculiarly Aggravating Case. —
The Power he Wielded. — And How He Did it. — A Rich Assessor. — A Blind
Government 574
CLXXVII. The Corners Have a Discussion as to the Matter of
Carpet-Baggers.
The Corners. — Alarm — A Meeting. — Speech of the Champion. — Free Discussion. —
Joe Bigler's Speech. — The True Carpet-Bagger. — The Resolutions. —
An Unexpected Turn. — A Light. — The Distinction. — A Definition 578
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CLXXVIII. Mr. Nasby Nurses the Labor Movement at the
Corners.
Enthusiastic Meeting. — The Protest. — The Negro Plasterer. — His Insolence. —
Changes his Trade. — His Fate. — Nasby Proposes to Lead the Anti-Negro
Movement. 582
CLXXIX. Mr. Nasby and his Confreres hold a Commercial
Convention at the Corners.
The Delegates and Officers. — The Letters of Regret. — A Resolution. — Black
Sheep. — The Work Done. — Women at the Corners. — A Singular Omission. —
The Convention Re-assembled. — Resolutions Passed. 585
CLXXX. Mr. Nasby at last Loses his Post Office.
Out of Office. — The Corners in Mourning. — A Small but Talented Procession. —
The Negroes Up. — The Whites Down. — Trouble. — Nasby's Bondsmen. — Despair. —
What he Proposes to do. 590
CLXXXI. Mr. Nasby Receives a Letter from his Steadfast
Friend.
In Ohio. — A Letter from Home. — The Surroundings at Pepper's. — A Mine Discovered. —
Trouble in Kentucky. — Affectionate Remembrance of Nasby at the
Corners. — The Lack of Labor. — Bloated Bondholders. — The Bond Question.—
How it was met. — Joe Bigler steps in. — Consistency. 594
CLXXXII. Mr. Nasby attends a Convocation of the Democracy
of New York.
The Officers. — Resolutions. — What they Wanted. — The Debate. — The American
Consul at New York. 600
CLXXXIII. Settled at last — The City of New York to be his
Final Resting-Place.
The Dove. — The Harp of Erin. — He Serves the Party Best who Votes the Most.—
A Successful Opening. — Precautionary Measure. — Speeches and Toasts. 602
CLXXXIV. Mr. Nasby Gives a Brief Account of his New Establishment.
The Trade. — Bad Company. — Terrence O'Sullivan. — Holds Office. — A Soft
Thing. — Mr. O'Sullivan's Brother. — They Visit Sing-Sing. — Remonstrate
with the Warden. — O'Sullivan's Determination. — Mr. Nasby Consoles and
Encourages. — A Ray of Light. — Protection of the Democracy. 605
CLXXXV. The Friends of Mr. Nasby hold a Meeting, and indulge
in a Wail over the Passage of the Fifteenth Amendment
by the Ohio Legislature.
Meeting in the Sixth Ward. — Nasby Chairman. — What was Said. — The Effect
in New York. — A Revolution. — An Unpleasant Reminder. — Nasby's Plans
and Prospects. 609
CLXXXVI. Mr. Nasby in a Despondent Frame of Mind.
A Kentucky Conference. — Signs of the Times. — Preamble and Resolutions. —
A Fearful Squabble. — Disappointment. — Recreant Senators. 612
CLXXXVII. The Fifteenth Amendment.
A Meeting. — Different Views of the Matter. — Resolutions Proposed by Nasby.—
A New Departure. — Another Set of Resolutions. — The Prompt Action at
the Harp of Erin. 615
CLXXXVIII. Mr. Nasby Attempts to get Possession of the
Negro Vote.
After the Ethiopian. — An Ethiopian Secured. — The Second Ethiopian. — At last
One is Cornered and Prepared. — The Failure. 619
CLXXXIX. A Few Last Words — The Writer hereof bids his
Readers Farewell, and hurls a Trifle of Exhortation after
them.
Farewell. — Nasby's Experience Peculiar. — The Nigger Votes. — The Hope of
Democracy. — Natural Provisions. — Words of Good Cheer. — Farewell. 623
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LECTURES.
I. “Cussid be Canaan.”
All Men Free and Equal. — The Fathers of the Democratic Party. — How the
Declaration Should Read. — Some Criticisms. — On Various Writers and the
Bible. — Nigger and Negro. — Distinguished by “It” and “Him.” — The Haters
of Nigger Equality. — Jefferson's Ignorance. — The Affair of Noah. — The
Flood. — Indiscretion. — The Curse. — A Huge Devil. — Who are White Men?—
Ham's Apology. — Beginning of Democracy. — A Blessed Curse. — What
might have been. — How the Curse Didn't Work. — Nimrod. — Weak Spots. —
More Difficulties. — The Extent of the Curse. — The Question of Color. — The
Blackness Accounted for. — From the Kentucky Point of View. — From the
Negro Point. — Matter of Heat. — Has its Advantages. — Location. — Descendants
of Canaan. — The Tub. — An Ancestry. — Why the Curse was Believed
in. — Its Convenience. — The Attempt to Kill the Curse. — Missionaries, Miscalled
Pirates. — The Curse Killed. — The Audacity of the Canaanites. — How
they Helped in the War. — Their Ingratitude. — Their Privileges at the South.—
The Curse Abandoned. — Lee's Surrender. — Southern Modesty. — The Negro
not a Man. — The Bureau of Perfumery. — Ignorance. — The Troubles
Encountered. — The Beast Theory. — Difficulties of it. — What Becomes of the
Beast at Death. — The Black Face under a Blue Cap. — The Cowardice of the
Republicans. — A Philosophical Truth. — How Shall We Dispose of the Negro? —
The Lion Prejudice. — What to Do. — Negroes in Office. — The People
should have the Choice. — Man. — The Negro's Rights. — All Men Created
Equal 629
II. The Struggles of a Conservative with the Woman Question.
A Conservative. — By Birth and Education. — The Ancients. — Woman. — What
could we have done Without Her. — Her Position in the Past. — A Biblical Statement. —
Woman has the Advantage from the Start. — Eve. — Adam's Good Traits.—
A Happy Family. — Intellectual Power. — More Biblical Statements. — How
the Argument Works the Wrong Way. — Inferiority. — Mrs. Jezebel Ahab. —
Pocahontas and Delilah. — The Conundrum Maker. — Rebekah. — Promptness.—
Feminine Thought. — Female Disabilities. — The Woman's Proposition. —
The Man's Answer. — A System Proposed. — The Troubles. — Every Woman
should Marry. — Flying in the Face of Providence. — The Question of War. —
The School Teacher. — The Question of Marriage. — Labor. — The Example of
Young Men. — A Bit of Experience. — Continued. — What they Demand. —
And Why. — A Ponderous Protest. — Dr. Bushnell's Reasons. — Peace. —
What shall we do with it? — Applying the Remedy. — What should be done
with it? — Customs Overturned. — For Humanity 660
III. “In Search of the Man of Sin.”
The Solo. — Mr. Nasby Mentions Himself. — The Imitation of Washington. —
The Result. — His Wisdom. — Natural and Acquired. — An Excellent Man. —
A Friend of Humanity. — And a Patriot. — The Beginning of the Search. —
Where to Go. — The First Venture. — The Men of Sin in New York. — Requisites
of a Wicked Man. — A Moral Reflection. — The Influence of the Men. —
In Washington. — Cadetships. — The Sober Member. — The Extreme Radicals.—
The Troubled Thompson. — Management in Politics. — Jencks and Reform. —
The Franking Privilege. — A Conundrum. — The Way to Repeal. — More Conundrums. —
In New Jersey. — Becomes somewhat Orthodox. — A Monopoly.
An Anecdote. — How Much He Found. — The Reformers. — Forming a Society.—
Woman. — His Faith Shaken. — Another Anecdote. — A Sagacious but
Wicked Young Lady, — Feminine Extravagance. — Return. — What he Finds
at Home. — Estimating Sin. — Bibney and Mrs. Swan. — Messrs. Bloch and
Kitt. — Political Sin at Home. — The Pure Cicero. — Searches Himself. — A
Wife's Faults. — The Reform. — A Closer Investigation. — The Man of Sin
Known. — Encouraging Remarks to other People 687
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I. AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH.
Confedrit × Roads }
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky,)
Jan. 29, 1872.
To the Publisher:
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Enclosed find photograff uv myself, ez you desired. To
make a strikin picter, I flung myself into the attitood, and
assoomed the expreshun wich mite hev bin observed onto
my classikle countenance when in the act uv deliverin my
justly celebrated sermon, “The wages uv Sin is Death.” The
$2.00 wich yoo remitted to kiver the cost uv the picter wuz, I
regret to say, insuffishent. The picter cost 75 cents, and it
took $1.50 worth uv Bascom's newest whisky to stiddy my
nerves to the pint uv undergoin the agony uv sittin three
minits in front uv the photograffer. I need not say that he
is a incendiary from Massachoosets. Ez the deceased Elder
Gavitt's son, Issaker, hez expressed a burnin desire to possess
his apparatus, it is probable that public safety will very shortly
require his expulsion. But I hed my revenge — in his pocket
is none uv my postal currency. Sekoorin the picter, I told
him I wood take it home, and ef my intimit friends, those who
knowd me, shood decide it wuz a portrait, I wood call and pay
for it afore he left the Corners. Will I do it? Will this
picter-takin Ablishnist ever more behold me? Ekko ansers.
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Yoo may remit the odd twenty-five cents, either by draft on
Noo York, or money order, at my resk.
I wuz born in the year 1806, at — I will not say where. I
hev reasons for conceelin my birthplace. I don't want to set
any town in that State up in biznis. That town hez gone
loonatic, and gives Ablishn majorities friteful to contemplate,
and I don't want to benefit it by givin it a nashnel reputashen.
I don't want to double the price uv its property — to be the
means uv erectin a dozen, or sich a matter, uv fust class hotels
to accommodate the crowds ez wood make pilgrimages thither
to visit my birthplace. The present owner uv the house into
wich I first opened my eyes onto a world uv sin, is a Ablishnist
of the darkest dye, and I hev no desire to enrich him. Never,
by word uv mine, shel he cut that house up into walkin sticks
and buzzum pins.
My boyhood wuz spent in the pursoot uv knollege and muskrats,
mostly the latter. I wuz a promisin child. My parence
wuz Democrats uv the strictest kind, my mother in partikeler.
She hatid eny one that wuzn't Dimocratic with a hatred that I
never saw ekalled. When I say that she woodent borrer tea
and sugar and sich uv Whig nabers, the length, and breadth,
and depth of her Dimocrisy will be understood.
From sheer cussidnis I shood hev probably hev bin a Whig,
hed not a insident occurred in my boyhood days, wich satisfied
me that the Dimocrisy wuz my approprit and nateral abidinplace.
It wuz in this wise:
In a playful mood, wun nite, I bustid open a grosery, and
appropriatid, ez a jest, what loose change ther wuz in the
drawer (alars! in these degenerit days uv paper currency, the
enterprisin theef hez to steel at 10 per cent. discount), and
sich other notions ez struck my boyish fancy. I indoost a
nigger boy, sumwhat younger than myself, to aid me, and
when we hed bagged the game, I, feelin in my pride ez wun
hevin the proud Anglo-Sacksun blood a coursin toomulchusly
thro his vanes, what Cheef-Justis Taney hez sence made law,
to-wit: that the nigger hez no rites which the white man is
bound to respeck, whaled him till he resined the entire proceeds
uv the spekulashen to me. The degraded wretch,
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devoid uv every prinsiple uv honor, blowed on me, and we
wuz both arrested.
The Justis uv the Pease wuz a Whig! and after a hurried
eggsaminashen, he sentenst ME! wun uv his own race! uv
his own blood! uv his own parentige! to impriznment for
THIRTY DAYS! on bred and water, and the nigger to only
ten, on the ground that I wuz the cheef offender!
My mother beggd and prayd, with teers a stremin down
her venrable cheeks faster than she cood wipe em up with
her gingum apern, that the arrangement mite be reverst — the
nigger the 30 and I the 10 — but no! Cold ez a stun, inflexible
ez iron, bludlis ez a turnip, I wuz inkarseratid, and stayed
my time.
Sullenly I emerged from them walls, on the evenin uv the
30th day, a changed indivijooel. Liftin my hands to heven, I
vowd three vows, to-wit:
1. That I wood devote my life to the work uv redoosin the
Afrikin to his normal speer.
2. That I wood adopt a perfeshn into wich I cood steel without
bein hauled up fer it.
3. That the water I hed consoomed while in doorance vile,
wuz the last that wood ever find its way, undilootid, into my
stumick.
Hentz, I jined the Dimocrisy, and whoever eggsamines my
record, will find that I hev kep my oaths!
Uv my childhood, I know but little. My father wuz a
leadin man in the humble speer in which he moved, holdin, at
different times, the various offices in the town up to constable,
the successive steps bein road supervisor and pound
master. He wuz elected constable, and mite probably hev
gone higher, but for an accident that occurred to him the first
month. He collected a judgment for $18, and the money wuz
paid to him. The good man wuz a talented collector, but wuz
singlerly careless in payin over what he collected. Ez showin
the pekoolier bent uv genuis uv the old man, I repeet a conversashen
I wunst heerd. A man who hed an account to collect,
wuz consultin one who knowd my father well, ez to the
safety uv puttin a claim into his hands.
“Is he a good collector?” askt the man.
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“Splendid!” sed the naber.
“Is he a man uv responsibility?” askt the man.
“Sir!” sed the naber, “he hez the ability, but yoo'll find,
when yoo try to git yoor money out uv his hands, that he lacks
the response.”
Cood ther hev bin a more tetchin triboot?
He wuz like all men uv genius, unbalanced. His ability
was all on one side. The grovelin plaintiff, who didn't admire
sich erratic flites, raised a ruckshen about the paltry sum, and
my father
“Folded his tent like the Arabs,
And ez silently stole away.”
From that time out, the old gentleman migrated — in fact,
he lived mostly on the road. He adopted movin ez a perfeshun,
and a very profitable one he made uv it. When his
hoss died, the nabors, rather than not hev him move, wood
chip in and raise him another. Appreshiatin the compliment
they pade him, he alluz went. I menshun these pekooliarities
uv my ancestor, becoz
“The lives uv all grate men remind us
We may make our lives sublime,
And, departin, leave behind us —”
ef our talent runs in that direckshun, ez many debts ez he did,
though it does require espeshel talents.
This hed its inflooence upon my yoothful mind. I saw not
only a great deal uv the country, but much uv mankind, and I
acquired that adaptability to circumstances wich hez ever
distinguished me. Even to this day, ef I can't git gin I
take whiskey without a murmur and without repinin.
My politicks hez ever bin Dimocratic, and I may say,
without egotism, I hev been a yooseful member uv that
party. I voted for Jackson seven times, and for every succeedin
Dimocratic candidate ez many times ez possible.
My Dimocrisy wuzn't partikerly confirmed until I arrived at
the age uv twenty-four. My father wuz intimately acquainted
with me, and knowd all my carakteristics ez well ez tho he hed
bin the friend uv my buzzum. One day, ez I wuz a layin on
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my back under a tree, contemplatin the beauties uv nacher, my
parent, sez he,—
“Pete” (which is short for my name), “ef yoo ever marry,
marry a milliner!”
“Why, father uv mine?” replied I, openin my eyes.
“Becoz, my son,” sed he, “she'll hev a trade wich'll support
yoo, otherwise yoo'll die uv starvashen when I'm gone.”
I thot the idea wuz a good one. Thro woman a cuss come
into the world, wich cuss wuz labor; and I wuz determined
that ez woman hed bin the coz uv requirin somebody to sweat
for the bread I eat, woman should do that sweatin for me.
That nite I perposed to a milliner in the village, and she rejectid
my soot. I offered myself, in rapid succeshun, to a
widder, who wuz a washerwoman, and to a woman who hed
boys old enuff to work, with the same result, when, feelin that
suthin wuz nessary to be done to sekoor a pervision for life, I
married a nigger washerwoman wich didn't feel above me.
Wood you blieve it? Within an hour after the ceremony
wuz pronounst, she sold her persnel property, consistin uv a
wash-tub and board, and a assortment uv soap, and investin the
proceeds in a red calico dress and a pair uv earrings, insisted
on my going to work to support her! and the township
authorities not only maintained her in her loonacy, but refused
to extend releef to me, on the ground that I wuz able-bodied.
Ez I left that nigger, I agin vowed to devote my life to the
work of gettin uv em down to where they wood hev to support
us, and that vow I hev relijusly fulfilled. I hev never felt
good, ceptin when they wuz put down a peg; I hev never
wept, save when they wuz bein elevated.
The offices I hev held hev not been many. I hed signers to
a petishun for a post-office in Jackson's time, but I killed my
chances by presentin it in person. The old hero looked at me,
and remarked that it wuzn't worth while throwin away postoffices
on sich — that when he wanted em, he cood buy em at
a dollar a dozen. Bookanan wuz agoin to appoint me, but
somehow my antecedents got to his ears, and he wuz afeerd uv
his respecktability; and I never succeeded till Androo Johnson
returned to his first love and embraced us.
I hed bin drafted into the Federal army at the beginnin uv
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the war, and hed deserted to the Confederacy. Procoorin a
certifikit to that effeck, I applied for a pardon and a place.
He didn't like to give me the offis, but he wanted a party, and,
ez his appintments everywhere show, he coodn't be very
pertikeler. I succeeded! I bore with me to Kentucky a
commishun ez Post Master, and I wuz livin in the full enjoyment
uv that posishun, till ousted, and I may say, I wuz happy.
The society wuz conjenial. Ther is four groceries, onto
wich I could gaze from the winder uv my offis, and jest
beyond, enlivenin what wood otherwise be a dull landscape, is
a distillery, from wich the smoke uv the torment ascendeth
forever. I hed associates who reverenced me, and friends
who loved me. There wuz nuthin monotonous there. I hev
knowed ez many ez eight fites per day, though three or four
is considered enuff to break the tedium. And in those deliteful
pursoots, havin left behind me the ambishens uv wat mite
be called public life, with my daily bread sekoored, with my
other sustenance ashoored, with a frend alluz to share my
bottle, or, to speek with a greater degree uv akkooracy, frends
alluz willin to share ther bottles with me, I wuz glidin peacefly
down the stream uv time, dodgin the troubles, and takin ez
much uv the good uv life ez I could.
The twenty-five cents menshuned in the beginnin uv my
letter, you may, ez I remarked, remit either in postal order or
currency.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(Wich wuz Postmaster).
P. S. — Don't remit the twenty-five cents menshund in
postage stamps. I hev enuff to last me, ez they ain't in
demand here. Send it in currency. P. V. N.
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II. THE SECESSION OF WINGERT'S CORNERS.
Wingert's Corners, Ohio, March the 21st, 1861.
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*South Carliny and sevral other uv the trooly Dimikratic
States hevin secesht — gone orf, I may say, onto a journey
after ther rites — Wingert's Corners, ez trooly Dimecratic ez
any uv em, hez follered soot.
A meetin wuz held last nite, uv wich I wuz chairman, to
take the matter uv our grievances into consideration, and it
wuz finally resolved that nothin short uv seceshn wood remedy
our woes. Therefore the follerin address, wich I rit, wuz adoptid
and ordered to be publisht:
TO THE WORLD!
In takin a step wich may, possibly, involve the state uv
wich we hev bin heretofore a part into blood and convulshuns,
a decent respeck for the opinion uv the world requires us to
give our reasons for takin that step.
Wingert's Corners hez too long submitted to the imperious
dictates uv a tyranikle goverment. Our whole histry hez bin
wun uv aggreshn on the part uv the State, and uv meek and
pashent endoorence on ours.
It refoosed to locate the State Capitol at the Corners, to the
great detriment uv our patriotic owners uv reel estate.
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It refoosed to gravel the streets uv the Corners, or even relay
the plank-road.
It refoosed to locate the Penitentiary at the Corners, not-withstandin
we do more towards fillin it than any town in the State.
It refoosed to locate the State Fair at the Corners, blastin
the hopes uv our patriotic groserys.
It located the canal one hundred miles from the Corners.
We hev never hed a Guvner, notwithstandin the President
uv this meetin hez lived here for yeers, a waitin to be urgd to
accept it.
It hez compelled us, yeer after yeer, to pay our share uv
the taxes.
It hez never appinted any citizen uv the place to any offis
wher theft wuz possible, thus wilfully keepin capital away
from us.
It refoosed to either pay our rale-rode subscripshun or slackwater
our river.
Therefore, not bein in humor to longer endoor sich outrajes,
we declare ourselves free and independent uv the State, and
will maintain our position with arms, if need be.
There wuz a lively time next day. A company uv minit
men wuz raised, and wun uv two-minit men. The seceshn
flag, muskrat rampant, weasel couchant, on a field d'egg-shell,
waves from both groserys. Our merchant feels hopeful. Cut
orf from the State, direct trade with the Black Swamp follers:
releest from his indebtedness to Cinsinati, he will agin lift his
head. Our representative hez agreed to resine — when his
term expires.
We are in earnest. Armed with justice and shot-guns, we
bid the tyrants defiance.
P. S. — The feelin is intense — the childern hev imbibed it.
A lad jest past, displayin the seceshn flag. It waved from behind.
Disdainin concealment, the noble, lion-hearted boy wore
a roundabout. We are firm.
N. B. — We are still firm.
N. B., 2d. — We are firm, unyeeldin, calm, and resoloot.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
eaf635n1* In this letter the argument of the States Rights secessionists is stated
rather than travestied. One of the threats relied upon by the Southern oligarchy
to awaken fears in the North was, that the trade of the South should be
withdrawn from Northern merchants. “Our merchant,” at Wingert's Corners,
congratulating himself on the opening of “trade with the Black Swamp,” and
his release from his Cincinnati debts, is, or was, the exact type of many of the
Southern secessionists. Southern economists really imagined that they could
control the laws of trade, or create new ones to suit their own fancy; results
demonstrated the fact, that the South needed credit at the North far more than
Northern merchants needed Southern custom. The trade of the South was the
most undesirable of any which came to our northern cities, as many Southern
buyers were wont to settle their indebtedness by certificates of discharge from
courts of bankruptcy. In 1860, in the absence of a general bankrupt law, the
hope of many secessionists was, that a successful rebellion would give them an
excuse for the repudiation of their honest debts.
-- 041 -- p635-050
III. NEGRO EMIGRATION.
Wingert's Corners, Ohio, April the 2d, 1862.
[figure description] Page 041.[end figure description]
*There is now fifteen niggers, men, wimin, and childern, or
ruther, mail, femail, and yung, in Wingert's Corners, and
yisterday another arrove. I am bekomin alarmed, for, ef they
inkreese at this rate, in suthin over sixty years they'll hev a
majority in the town, and may, ef they git mean enuff, tyrannize
over us, even ez we air tyrannizin over them. The danger
is imminent! Alreddy our poor white inhabitants is out uv
employment to make room for that nigger; even now our shops
and factories is full uv that nigger, to the great detriment uv
a white inhabitant who hez a family to support, and our poor-house
and jail is full uv him.
I implore the peeple to wake up. Let us hold a mass meetin
to take this subgik into considerashen, and, that biznis may be
expeditid, I perpose the adopshen uv a series uv preamble and
resolooshens, suthin like the follerin, to-wit:
Wareas, We vew with alarm the ackshun uv the President
uv the U. S., in recommendin the immejit emansipashun uv
the slaves uv our misgidid Suthern brethrin, and his evident
intenshun uv kolonizin on em in the North, and the heft on em
in Wingert's Corners; and
Wareas, In the event uv this imigrashun, our fellow-townsman,
Abslum Kitt, and others, whose families depend upon
their labor for support, wood be throde out of employment; and
Wareas, When yoo giv a man a hoss, yoo air obleeged to
also make him a present uv a silver-platid harnis and a $650
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buggy, so ef we let the nigger live here, we are in dooty bound
to marry him off-hand; and
Wareas, When this stait uv affares arrives our kentry will
be no fit place for men uv educashen and refinement; and
Wareas, Any man hevin the intellek uv a brass-mounted
jackass kin easily see that the two races want never intendid
to live together; and
Wareas, Bein in the magority, we kin do as we please, and
ez the nigger aint no vote he kant help hisself; therefore be it
Resolved, That the crude, undeodorizd Afrikin is a disgustin
obgik.
Resolved, That this Convenshun, when it hez its feet washed,
smells sweeter than the Afrikin in his normal condishun, and is
therefore his sooperior.
Resolved, That the niggers be druv out uv Wingert's Corners,
and that sich property ez they may hev accumulatid be confiscatid,
and the proseeds applide to the follerin purposes, to-wit:
Payment uv the bills of the last Dimekratik Centrel Committee;
payment uv the disintrestid patriots ez got up this
meetin; the balance to remane in my hands.
Resolved, That the Ablishnists who oppose these resolushens
all want to marry a nigger.
Resolved, That Dr. Petts, in rentin a part uv his bildin to
niggers, hez struck a blow at the very foundashens uv sosiety.
Fellow-whites, arouse! The enemy is onto us! Our harths
is in danger! When we hev a nigger for judge — niggers for
teachers — niggers in pulpits — when niggers rool and controle
society, then will yoo remember this warnin!
Arouse to wunst! Rally agin Conway! Rally agin Sweet!
Rally agin Hegler! Rally agin Hegler's family! Rally agin
the porter at the Reed House! Rally agin the cook at the
Crook House! Rally agin the nigger widder in Vance's Addishun!
Rally agin Missis Umstid! Rally agin Missis Umstid's
childern by her first husband! Rally agin Missis Umstid's
childern by her sekkund husband! Rally agin all the
rest uv Missis Umstid's childern! Rally agin the nigger that
cum yisterday! Rally agin the saddle-culurd girl that yoost
to be hear! Ameriky for white men!
Petroleum V. Nasby.
eaf635n2* The great bugbear of the ignorant Democrats of the North, especially
in the rural districts, was the fear of negro emigration, and consequently
negro equality, and amalgamation. Antiquated females in Democratic processions
carried banners bearing the touching appeal: “Fathers, save us from
Nigger Equality!” “White husbands, or none!!” Amalgamation, negro
equality, negro competition, were the dire array of calamities which were to
befall the laboring men of the North, in case Republican measures and principles
should prevail. With the predictions of the woes coming to Northern
farmers and mechanics the campaign papers of the Democracy were filled.
-- 043 -- p635-052
IV. PROPOSES TO CELEBRATE THE FOURTH OF JULY.
Washinton, Joon the 12th, 1862.
[figure description] Page 043.[end figure description]
I am in Washinton, and wont be home for some time, on
akount uv biznis pertainin to the re-organizashun uv the Dimekratik
party. I will give suffishent notis uv my comin, so that
my frends may surprise me by gittin up a perceshun to escort
me from the cars to my hotel.
The objik uv this letter is to sejest a plan for the appropriate
celebrashun uv the fourth uv July — the birthday of our Liberties—
the day on wich Freedum wus perclaimed to all men,
exceptin niggers, and them hevin a vizible admixter uv Aferken
blud, et settery. I want to see a pure Dimekratik celebrashun
fer wunst. Let me sejest the follerin order fer a perceshun: —
1st. Marshel in uniform uv Home Guard, dekorated with a
winder sash over the left shoulder.
2d. Banner with inskripshun, “The Yunyun ez it wuz —
under Bookanon! the constitooshn ez it is, with some variashens.”
3d. Barril containin native corn joose, inskribd, “Our platform.”
4th. Carriage containin speeker, reeder, and chaplin — ef
wun of our perswashin kin be prokoored.
5th. Wagon with a nigger a lyin down, and my esteemd frend
Punt a standin onto him — a paregorical illustrashun uv the
sooperiority uv the Anglo-Sacksun over the Afrikin races.
6th. Soljers uv the present war. (A few may be procoord
frum the military prizen at Chicago, where they are at present
unconstitooshnaly confind, fer this ocashun).
7th. The cort-house offishls, with banner and inscripshun,
“Our saleries — we will defend em to the last.”
8th. Citizens on hossback with bottles.
9th. Citizens in carriajes with bottles.
10th. Citizens on foot with bottles.
(Space on each side reserved for citizens a lyin down with
empty bottles.)
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11th. Candidates for offis, all walkin on ther knees.
Perceshun to form so that the hed will rest on the distillery,
and the tale on the court-house, representin the beginnin and
end uv our glorious party.
On arrivin at the grove, the follerin exercises may be had:
Singin — Nashnel oad, “We've Cuffee by de wool.”
Readin Vallandigum's address.
Orashun — “Nigger: his Past, Present, and Futur” — by
myself.
Singin — Patryotik song —
“Sambo, ketch dat hoe,
And resine dat vane idee:
We've got de power, you kno,
And you never kin be free.”
Benedickshun, by myself.
In the evenin it would be appropriate to hev fireworks, and
perhaps I might be indoost to deliver an orashun on “Nigger:
his Past, Present, and Futur.”
Sich a celebrashun would elevate the sperits uv the faithful,
and help mateerialy towards makin a triumph this autum.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
V. ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE.
Columbus, O., June the 21st, 1862.
*I wuz onto my way to Columbus to attend the annooal
gatherin uv the faithful at that city, a dooty I hev religusly
performd for over 30 yeres. Ther wuz but wun seat vakent
in the car, and onto that I sot down. Presently a gentleman
carryin uv a carpit-bag sot down beside me, and we to-wunst
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commenst conversashen. After discussin the crops, the weather,
et settry, I askt wher he resided.
“In Oberlin,” sez he.
“Oberlin!” shreekt I. “Oberlin! wher Ablishnism runs
rampant — wher a nigger is 100 per cent. better nor a white
man — wher a mulatto is a objik uv pity on account uv hevin
white blood! Oberlin! that stonest the Dimekratik prophets,
and woodent be gathered under Vallandygum's wings as a
hen-hawk gathereth chickens, at no price! Oberlin, that gives
all the profits uv her college to the support uv the underground
railroad —”
“But —” sez he.
“Oberlin,” continyood I, “that reskoos niggers, and sets at
defiance the benificent laws for takin on em back to their kind
and hevenly-minded masters! Oberlin! —”
“My jentle frend,” sez he, “Oberlin don't do nuthin uv the
kind. Yoo've bin misinformd. Oberlin respex the laws, and
hez now a body uv her gallant sons in the feeld a fightin to
maintane the Constooshn.”
“A fightin to maintane the Constooshn,” retortid I. “My
frend” (and I spoke impressivly), “no Oberlin man is a doin
any sich thing. Oberlin commenst this war. Oberlin wuz the
prime cause uv all the trubble. What wuz the beginnin uv it?
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Our Suthrin brethrin wantid the territories — Oberlin objectid.
They wantid Kansas for ther blessid instooshn — Oberlin agin
objecks. They sent colonies with muskits and sich, to hold the
territory — Oberlin sent two thousand armed with Bibles and
Sharp's rifles — two instooshns Dimokrasy cood never stand
afore — and druv em out. They wantid Breckinridge fer
President. Oberlin refused, and elektid Linkin. Then they
seceded; and why is it that they still hold out?”
He made no anser.
“Becoz,” continyood I, transfixin him with my penetratin
gaze, “Oberlin won't submit. We might to-day hev peese ef
Oberlin wood say to Linkin, `Resine!' and to Geff Davis, `Come
up higher!' When I say Oberlin, understand it ez figgerative
for the entire Ablishn party, wich Oberlin is the fountinhead.
There's wher the trouble is. Our Suthern brethren
wuz reasonable. So long as the Dimokrasy controlled things,
and they got all they wanted, they wuz peeceable. Oberlin
ariz — the Dimokrasy wuz beet down, and they riz up agin it.”
Jest exsactly eighty-six yeres ago, akordin to Jayneses Almanac,
a work wich I perooz annually with grate delite, the
Amerykin eagle (whose portrate any wun who possessis a 5-cent
peece kin behold) wuz born, the Goddis uv Liberty bein
its mother, the Spirit uv Freedom its sire, Thomas Jefferson
actin ez physician on the occasion. The proud bird growd ez
tho it slept on guano — its left wing dipt into the Pacific, its
rite into the Atlantic, its beek thretened Kanady, while his majestik
tale cast a shadder ore the Gulf. Sich wuz the eagle up
to March, '61. What is his condishn now? His hed hangs,
his tale droops, ther's no strength in his talons. What's the
trouble? Oberlin. He hed been fed on nigger for yeres, and
hed thrived on the diet. Oberlin got the keepin uv him — she
withholds his nateral food; and onless Oberlin is whaled this
fall, down goes the eagle.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
eaf635n3* Oberlin College became famous through its resolve to admit colored students
to its privileges on an equality with white students. It was not without
a severe struggle that this position was taken by the Board of Trustees, in
which, after many stormy discussions, the vote was carried by the casting vote
of the President, Rev. John Keep. Immediately after this action was taken in
1836, about two hundred students from Lane Seminary, near Cincinnati, who
had “rebelled” against an order of that institution not to discuss the slavery
question, came to Oberlin to pursue their studies. From that day Oberlin became
a centre of anti-slavery influence. Its professors were men of reputation
for learning and moral worth, and were earnestly identified with the anti-slavery
cause. Theodore D. Weld and other eloquent orators of that period gave
lectures to the students, and they, in turn, went out to scatter the light they had
gathered. Thus Oberlin became an object of intense and bitter hatred on the
part of pro-slavery men and pro-slavery parties. At one time its charter was
threatened with repeal by the Ohio legislature on account of its reformatory
character. Among the more ignorant and prejudiced portion of the Democratic
party, an intensely bitter animosity to Oberlin, its teachers, and its students,
was exhibited. The most monstrous stories of amalgamation were fabricated
and believed in many localities. Oberlin, however, continued to move
forward in its progressive and prosperous career, and vindicated itself most triumphantly
from all the aspersions of its adversaries. Nor was it ever overrun
by negroes, as it was predicted it would be. It has never had more than five
or six per cent. of colored students, though they have always received a most
cordial welcome at its gates.
-- 047 -- p635-056
VI. MAKES A CANDIDATE “UV HISSELF. ”
[figure description] Page 047.[end figure description]
To the Dimokrasy uv the County: I announse myself
ez a candidate for ary one uv the offices to be filled this
autum, subgik, uv coarse, to the decishun uv the Convenshun.
In makin this anouncement, I feel it due my Dimekratik
brethrin, that I stait the reasons for takin this step. They run
ez follows:
1st. I want a offis.
2d. I need a offis.
3d. A offis wood suit me; therfore,
4th. I shood like to hev a offis.
I make no boasts uv what my speshel claims are, but I hev
dun the party sum servis. My fust vote I cast for that old
Dimekrat, Androo Jackson. For him I voted twict, and I hev
also voted for every Dimekratik candidate sence. I hev
fought and bled for the coz, hev voted ez often ez three times
at one elekshun, and hev alluz wore mournin around my eyes for
three weeks after each campane. I hev alluz rallid to the
poles early in the mornin, and hev spent the entire day a
bringin in the agid and infirm, and in the patryotik biznis uv
knockin down the opposition voters. No man hez drunk more
whisky than I hev for the party — none hez dun it moar willingly.
Twict, in going thro campanes, hev I brot myself to
the very verge uv delirium tremins a drinkin the terrific
elekshun whisky pervided by our candidates, but the coz
demandid the sacrifis, and I made it ez cherefully ez tho my
stumic hed been copper-lined, which, unfortunitly, it is not.
Ez for my services in this line, let my nose, which has trooly
blossomed like the lobster, speak for itself.
“Rum hez its triumphs ez the water hath,
And this is wun uv em.”
My politikle principles are sound. I am opposd to a nashnel
bank, and am unmitigatedly in favor uv free trade. I approved
uv the last war with Great Britain, and hev sence seen
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[figure description] Page 048.[end figure description]
no reason to change my views on that subgik. On the war
queshun my views are ez follows: Bein a naytiv uv this
Republic, and hevin livd under the Stars and Stripes, I am
in favor uv maintainin the Guverment, and puttin down the
rebelyun, and will aid the Guverment in doin it, in all constitooshnal
ways. But, after a keerful readin uv my papers, I
kin find no constitooshnal warrant for half what is bein dun. I
am in favor uv a war for the Union ez it used to was, and the
Constitooshn ez I'd like to hev it; but a war uv subgugashen—
never! Hents, I am opposed to all this military biznis.
Ef a citizen uv Virginny shoots a citizen uv Ohio, let him be
arrested, taken before the nearest Justis uv the Peese, and
bound over to court. That's the only way to do it. I regard
confistikashen as unconstitooshnel, and ez for emansipashen,
words cant express my disgust at the bare ijee. Wat! is
armies to march forth, under the good old flag, for the purpus
uv destroyin an institooshn guaranteed by the Constitooshn,
and wich hez enabled the grate Dimekratik party to controle
the destinies uv this republic for mor'n thirty yeres? Ferbid
it, hevin! The follerin resolushens, wich I drawd up, show
percisely wat I bleeve: —
Resolved, That we are now, eggsackly as we alluz hev bin,
the devoted friends uv the Union ez it used to be wen us uns
and our breethrin uv the South run the masheen, and we'd be
thenderin glad to see it restord agin.
Resolved, That evry dictate uv patertism reqwires that, in
the fight we hev afore us, the Dimokrasy shood present a unbroken
front; and therefore, ez differenses may arize amongst
us, the General Committee shel, frum time to time, inform the
county committies wat the people is expectid to beleve, that
we may talk alike in all parts uv the country.
Resolved, That the Abolishn party, by ther denunsiashn uv
President Davis, hev shown that they hev no regard for our
feelins or hizn, and hev exhibited a bitterness towards our
misgided Suthrin brethrin, that demonstraits their onfitness
to hold eny place wer they kin hev an opportunity to injure
them.
Resolved, That the stait uv Massychusits is ornery and
cussed. That the annimosity exhibited by her men, in the lait
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[figure description] Page 049.[end figure description]
fites afore Richmond, towards our misgided Suthrin brethrin,
is wat mite be expektid frum a state that hez no Dimekrats,
and where every body redes and rites.
Resolved, That, while rebels shood be punisht, we are
opposed to confisticashun er emansipashun in any shaip;
becoz it isnt constooshnal; becoz the South wood be made
more desprit, and moar uv em wood be killed, wich wood
lessen Dimekratik majoritis in them states; and becoz it wood
hev a tendency to make em madder nor they air.
On the absorbin question uv nigger I am sound. I am
opposed to amalgamashun, and am in favor uv prohibitin any
wench from marryin any wun hevin a visable admixter uv
white blud. I am ferninst allowin niggers to come into the
North, and am in favor uv expellin the thirty-two milyuns now
here. To force em away, I wood make it a pennytenshiary
offence to be shaved by a nigger, and wood regulate the price
uv barberin by law, that white men mite be indoost to go into
the biznis. Ez for other pints uv nashenel and stait policy, my
paper dident cum last nite, and consequently I am somewhat
at a loss.
In county matters I shel follow closely the footsteps uv my
predecessers. I shel be keerful uv the funds, and shel apply
jest ez much ez possible to the grate work uv bildin up the
Dimekratik party; alluz, uv coarse, reservin enuff to buy me
a moderit farm at the close uv my term.
I aint partickeler ez to wat offis I hev. I am willin to serve
ez Treasurer, Sheriff, Commishener, or Coroner — tho I cood
do the party more good ez Treasurer than in any other posishen.
Money cozes the female hoss to amble.
In conclushen, fellow Dimekrats, I hev to say, ef nominated,
all rite; ef not, I shel abide by the result ez cherefully ez my
temper will allow.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 050 -- p635-059
VII. SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD NOT BE DRAFTED.
August the 6th, 1862.
[figure description] Page 050.[end figure description]
*I see in the papers last nite that the Goverment hez institooted
a draft, and that in a few weeks sum hundreds uv thousands
uv peeceable citizens will be dragged to the tented field.
I know not wat uthers may do, but ez for me, I cant go. Upon
a rigid eggsaminashen uv my fizzlekle man, I find it wood be
wus nor madnis for me to undertake a campane, to-wit:—
1. I'm bald-headid, and hev bin obliged to wear a wig these
22 years.
2. I hev dandruff in wat scanty hair still hangs around my
venerable temples.
3. I hev a kronic katarr.
4. I hev lost, sence Stanton's order to draft, the use uv wun
eye entirely, and hev kronic inflammashen in the other.
5. My teeth is all unsound, my palit aint eggsactly rite, and
I hev hed bronkeetis 31 yeres last Joon. At present I hev a
koff, the paroxisms uv wich is friteful to behold.
6. I'm holler-chestid, am short-winded, and hev alluz hed
pains in my back and side.
7. I am afflictid with kronic diarrear and kostivniss. The
money I hev paid (or promist to pay), for Jayneses karminnytiv
balsam and pills wood astonish almost enny body.
8. I am rupchered in nine places, and am entirely enveloped
with trusses.
9. I hev verrykose vanes, hev a white-swellin on wun leg and
a fever sore on the uther; also wun leg is shorter than tother,
though I handle it so expert that nobody never noticed it.
10. I hev korns and bunyons on both feet, wich wood prevent
me from marchin.
I dont suppose that my political opinions, wich are aginst
-- 051 -- p635-060
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the prossekooshn uv this unconstooshnel war, wood hev any
wate with a draftin orfiser; but the above reesons why I cant
go, will, I make no doubt, be suffishent.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
eaf635n4* One of the most surprising results of the conscription was the amount of
disease disclosed among men between “eighteen and forty-five,” in districts
where quotas could not be raised by volunteering.
VIII. IN CANADA.
Brest, Kanada West, August the 20th, 1862.
*After more advenchers than wood fill a book, I am here in
Kanada, safe under the protectin tail uv the British Lion,
where no draftin orfiser kin molest nor make me afraid. Halleloogy!
I never shood hev taken this step hed a good, sound, constooshnel
doctor bin appinted Medical Eggsaminer; fer I hev
twict ez menny diseases ez wood hev eggsemptid me, but I
wuz afeerd the Eggsaminer woodent see em, ez he aint much
uv a physician anyhow; besides, he votes the Union tickit, and
hez, uv coarse, prejudisis. The Commissioner is a bloody
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[figure description] Page 052.[end figure description]
Ablishnist; and I owe him a store bill wich hez stood about 8
years. I protest agin all sich appintments.
I left, in company with five other invalids, wun nite, a little
after the “witchin hour uv 12 M.,” ez Shakspeer hez it, and
any wun beholdin our faces wood hev bin satisfide that sum
“church-yard yawned” jest previously. We traveld all nite,
“sustaned and soothed by an unfaltrin trust” in a bottle wich I,
with my usual foresite, took along, together with two and
one third yards uv bolony sassige, wich I alluz use ez a thirstprovoker.
We met no interrupshen till we got within five
miles uv Toledo (wich we did by 5 P. M. uv the next day —
wich, permit me to remark, wus good travelin fer sich debillytatid
cusses), when we wuz stopt by a pickit-gard uv the
“Anti-draftin Invalid League,” who remarkt: “Who goes
there?” “A invalid,” sez I. “A Peece invalid?” sez he.
“Ther aint no other kind,” sez I; whereupon sez he, “Yoor
a man uv sence;” a fact uv wich I hed been long aware. I
presented my liquid consiliater, when he informed me that
Toledo wuz closely watcht, that escape by steemer was impossible,
and that a small boat was our only chance. He took
us to the lake shore, furnisht us a boat, and, jest as the sun
wuz a sinkin behind the golden horizon, I bid my nativ land
adoo.
I need not dwell upon the perils uv that terrible passage.
Suffice it to say, that, for invalids, we rowed well, and finally
landed at the little village uv Brest, wher we now are.
Two hundred peece men are here, and I must acknowledge
that we are not treeted with that distinguished consideration
usually accordid political eggsiles. Fer instance, at the tavern
where I board, the parlor is partikelerly pleasent, and I wuz a
settin into it. In trips a girl, purty enuff for a man whose taste
wuz not vishiated to eat. “Shel I shet down this window,
sir?” sez she. “Why shet it down, gentle maid?” retorts
I, lookin sweet onto her. “Because,” replide she, “I thot
perhaps, the DRAFT was too much for ye.” A few slavish
Kanajens, who set there, laft. The landlord required a month's
pay in advance, and a further deposit uv 25 cents per eggsile,
as sekoority fer the pewter spoons wich we hev at table. To
cap the climacks, last nite a big nigger was put into eech uv
-- 053 -- p635-062
[figure description] Page 053.[end figure description]
our rooms, and we were forced to sleep with em, or okkepy
the floor, wich I did. The cussid nigger laft all nite, in a manner
trooly aggravatin to hear.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
P. S. — Tell my wife to send sich money as she earns, to
me, as livin is high, and ther aint no tick. The township kin
support her and the childern.
eaf635n5* The exodus of peace Democrats to escape the draft was one of the most
ludicrous, and at the same time humiliating developments of the war. Canada,
being the nearest and most accessible point beyond the jurisdiction of the
government, received a number of those who fled from duty, but probably
the greater part concealed themselves among their native hills, or went to other
states. It was amusing to witness the desire for travel which seized men, and
the sudden inclination to visit distant relatives which sprang up. Eastern men
had urgent business calling them to the west, and western men had interests at
stake in the east which demanded immediate attention. In some of the hill
districts there were rendezvous of these men in caves and huts, and there were
instances in which some resistance was made to officers sent to arrest them.
These, no doubt, endured more hardships and experienced more fear than would
have resulted from serving a term in the army. But their experiences and the
internal history of their flight from duty will probably never be written, as the
subject is one to which they do not care to allude. One party ran away from
a township in Hancock County, Ohio, swam the dangerous river at Detroit,
Mich., and subsisted for months chopping cord-wood for the negroes residing
in the vicinity of Windsor. They were excessively chagrined, on their return,
to hear that they had taken all this risk and endured all this hardship for nothing,
for their township, having raised its quota, was never drafted!
IX. IS FINALLY DRAFTED.
Camp uv the 778th Ohio Kidnapt Melishy, }
Toledo, October the 17th, 1862.
I am here, clad in the garb uv slaivry! Nasby, clothed in
a bobtailed bloo coat, a woolin shirt, and bloo pants, with a
Oysteran muskit in his hands, a going thro the exercise!
Good hevings! wat a spectacle!
The draft was over, and I thot that wunst more I'd visit my
native land. Gaily I stept abord the boat that was to carry
me from British shores — gaily I say, for my money hed given
out some weeks afore, and I hed earned a precarious subsistence
a sawin wood in pardnership with a disgustin mulatto,
and I lookt forward with joyful antisepashens to the time when
I should agen embrace Looizer Jane (the pardner uv my
buzzum), and keep my skin perpetooally full uv the elickser uv
life, out uv her washin money. Joyfully I sprang off the boat
onto the wharf at Toledo, when a hevy hand was laid onto
my shoulder. Twas a soljer! The follerin conversashen
ensood:
“Wat wantest thow, my gentle friend?”
“I want yoo, my gay Kanajen.”
“On wat grounds?” retortid I.
“On the ground uv eloodin uv the draft,” sez he.
“Yoor mistaken,” sez I; “I'm a Ablishnist — a emissary. I
-- 054 --
[figure description] Page 054.[end figure description]
hev bin a spredin the bread uv life among the poor colored
brethrin in Kanady, and am jest returnin to run thro another
lot. Let me pass, I entreat thee, nor stay me in my good
work.”
“Not much,” sez he. “I know better. Yoor a butternut.”
“How knowst thou?” sez I.
“Yoor nose,” sez he. “That bucheus beekun lite wuz
never got out uv spring water.”
“Yoor knowledge uv men and things is too much for me. I
confess, and surrender at discreshun — do with me ez thou
wilt.”
And he did. I wuz led out to camp, and wuz allowed to
volunteer to fite against my convickshens — against my brethren,
who hev taken up arms in a rightous coz. So be it.
Hentzforth the name uv Nasby will shine in the list uv
marters.
Amid the dark, deep gloom that envellups me, wun ray uv
light strikes me. I hev seen the eleckshun returns, and wen
I seed em, I yelled Hallelogy! Me and another victim uv
Linkin's tyranny, who is a Dimekrat (he wuz a postmaster
under Bookannon, and wen removed by Linkin, dident give
up the balance uv money he had on hand, fearin twood be used
to subvert our free instooshns), hed a jubilee. We smuggled a
bottle uv condenst ekstasy, and celebratid muchly.
“The North's redeemed!” showtid I.
“Let the eagle screme!” yelled he.
“The Quakers hev votid!” showtid I.
“Ablishnism dead!” screemed he.
“Dimokrasy's triumphed!” laft I; and so on, until after
midnite, when, completely eggsaustid, we sank into slumber,
with a empty bottle atween us.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
P. S. — Tell Looizer Jane that I may never see her again —
that shood it be my fate to perish on the battle-field, amid the
rore uv battle and the horrors uv missellaneous carnage, my
last thot, ez life ebbs slowly away, shall be uv her; and ask
her if she can't send me half or three quarters uv the money
she gits fer washin, ez whisky costs fritefully here.
P. V. N.
-- 055 -- p635-064
X. DESERTS — HIS EXPERIENCE IN CLOTHES.
Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, }
November the 1st, 1862.
[figure description] Page 055.[end figure description]
*I hev deserted, and am now a soljer uv the Confederacy.
Jest ez soon ez our regiment struck Suthrin sile, I made up
my mind that my bondage wuz drawin to a close — that I wood
seeze the fust oppertoonity uv escapin to my nateral frends, —
the soljers uv the sunny South. Nite before last I run the
guard, wuz shot at twice (reseevin two buck-shot jest below
the hind buttons uv my coat), but by eggstrordinary luck I
escaped. Had infantry bin sent after me I shood hev bin
taken, for I am not a fast runner; but the commandant uv the
post wuz new at the biznis, and innocently sent cavalry. Between
the hossis they rode, and the stoppin to pick up them
ez coodent stick onto ther flyin steeds, I hed no difficulty in
outrunnin em.
At last I encountered the pickits uv the Looisiana Pelicans,
and givin myself up ez a deserter from the hordes uv the
tyrant Linkin, wuz to-wunst taken afore the kernel. I must
say, in this conneckshun, that I wuz surprised at the style uv
uniform worn by the Pelicans. It consists uv a hole in the
seet uv the pants, with the tale uv the shirt a wavin gracefully
therefrom. The follerin colloquy ensood: —
-- 056 --
[figure description] Page 056.[end figure description]
“To what regiment did yoo belong?”
“776th Ohio.”
“Volunteer or draftid?”
“Draftid.”
“Yoor name?”
“Nasby, Petroleum V.”
I notist all this time the kernel wuz eyein my clothes wistfully.
I had jest drawd em, and they wuz bran-new. Sez the
kernel: —
“Mr. Nasby, I reseeve you gladly ez a recroot in the Grand
Army uv Freedom. Ez yoo divest yoorself uv the clothes uv
the tyrant, divest yerself uv whatever lingrin affecshuns yoo
may hev fer the land uv yer nativity, and ez yoo array yerself
in the garb uv a Suthrin soljer, try to fill yer sole with that
Suthrin feelin that animates us all. Jones,” sed he, addressin
his orderly, “is Thompson dead yit?”
“Not quite,” sez the orderly.
“Never mind,” sez the kernel, “he cant git well uv that
fever; strip off his uniform and give it to Nasby, and berry
him.”
I judgd, from the style uv the uniforms I saw on the men
around me, that I wood rather keep my own, but I sed nothin.
When the orderly returned with the deceest Thompson's uniform,
I groaned innardly. There wuz a pair uv pants with the
seat entirely torn away, and wun leg gone below the knee, a
shoe with the sole off, and the straw he had wrapped around
the other foot, and a gray woolen shirt. Sez the kernel:
“Don't be afeered uv me, Nasby. Put on yer uniform rite
here.”
Reluctantly, I pulled off my new dubble-soled boots, and I
wuz petrified to see the kernel kick off the slippers he wore,
and pull em on. I pulled off my pants — he put em on, and so
on with every article uv dress I possest, even to my warm
overcoat and blankit. Sez the kernel:
“These articles, Nasby, belongs to the Guvment, to which I
shel akount for them. Report yoorself to-wunst to Captin
Smith.”
Ez I passed out, the lootenant-kernel, majer, and adjutent
pulled me to wun side, and askt me “ef I coodent git three
-- 057 -- p635-066
[figure description] Page 057.[end figure description]
more to desert.” Wun glance at their habillyments showd why
they wuz so anxious fer deserters.
I candidly confess that Linkin takes better care uv his soljers
than Davis does. The clothin I hev described. Instid uv reglar
rashens, we are allowed to eat jest whatever we can steal uv
the planters, and, ez mite be expectid, we hev becum wonderfully
expert at pervidin; but, ez the Pelicans hev bin campt
here three months, the livin is gittin thin. Yet a man kin endoor
almost any thing for principle.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
eaf635n6* Deserters from the Federal army went chiefly in two directions. The
greater part of the unwilling conscripts fled to Canada, but there were some
in the earlier stages of the war who not only deserted, but went over to the
enemy. These belonged to that class who were willing “to fight as they voted,”
to use a campaign phrase which obtained during the war. As the number of
conscripts increased, the deserters were proportionately more frequent, but the
number of those who deserted to the enemy steadily decreased as the contest
proceeded, until, during the last year of the war, this species of desertion ceased
entirely. The desperate straits of the Confederates made the field uninviting,
and for a year or two before the collapse of the rebellion, the condition of the
rebel army was scarcely worse than that described in the text. However much
some of the conscripts may have desired the success of the rebellion, and whatever
hardship they may have been willing to undergo “for principle,” they were
not willing to exchange a comfortable suit of blue for a cast-off suit of rebel
gray, nor a certain supply of rations for the precarious and inferior subsistence
furnished the Confederate armies.
XI. CAPTURES A TURKEY.
Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, }
November the 15th, 1862.
Nasby still lives, though I must say its rayther tite nippin.
The servis uv the Suthrin Confedracy wood be ez pleasent ez
any military life cood be, were it not for three things, to-wit:
1. We hev nothin to eat.
2. Our clothes is designed more for ornament than use, consistin
cheefly uv holes with rags around em — an appropriate
summer costoom, but rayther airy for this season.
3. Our pay is irregular, and not jest ez good in quality ez cood
be wished.
Fer instance. Our regiment hezzent reseevd a cent fer eight
months, and ther wuz much grumblin, wich cum to the ears uv
the kernel.
“The men murmur, do they?” sed he to his adjutent.
“Their complaints is just, and they shel be paid their just
dooze. Is ther a printin offis in the town?”
“Ther is,” retorts the adjutent.
“Go take possession uv it in the name uv the Confedrit
States, and seeze whatever paper he may hev on hand. The
faithful Pelicans must be paid.”
-- 058 --
[figure description] Page 058.[end figure description]
The next day every wun uv the men hed his haversack
stuff with money, each wun takin ez much ez he judged he
cood use. It does very well, except that it gives the grocery-keepers
much trouble, as they take it by weight — a $1 bein
wuth ez much ez a $20, ceptin that the $20 is a trifle the largest,
and weighs more.
An incident. I wuz out on pikkit dooty, in the immejit
visinnity uv a planter's barn, who hed bin suspectid uv Unionism.
I saw a turkey, capchered it, and indulged all the way
into camp into the pleasant idee that, fer the fust time in two
months, I wood hev a stumic-distendin dinner. Ez I entered
camp I met the kernel, who, ez his eagle eye caught the proud
bird I held, spoke, sayin, —
“Ha! a turkey! Wher gottist thow him?”
“I capcherd him at Johnson's,” replied I.
“Fat and young,” mused he, feelin uv him; and then, lookin
up, thus he did say: “My venerable patriot (he allooded to my
gray hairs), this bird belonged to a Union man, and all sich
property taken by the army belongs, uv coarse, to the goverment.
Yoo will forthwith take it to my quarters.”
Not hevin eaten any thing for 18 hours, I determined to
make wun effort for my turkey. Sez I: “Admittin the bird
belongs to the government,” sez I, “I may retane him, I suppose,
by payin his valyoo,” and I tendered him a handful uv
the money we hed reseeved that mornin.
“Not so fast, my aged hero,” sed he. “The government
needs turkeys more than it does money. Money we kin make,
but yoo must be aware that, without a material alterashen in
our anatomikle structure, the makin uv a turkey by us is a impossibility.
Leave the property at my quarters.” * * *
That nite I passed the kernel's quarters. Ther wuz a sound
uv revelry within, and the odor uv a Thanksgivin dinner assailed
my nostrils. The next mornin I saw the kernel's dorg a
chawin the bones uv that government turkey.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 059 -- p635-068
XII. IMPROVES HIS FORTUNES BY MARRIAGE.
Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, }
November the 11th, 1862.
[figure description] Page 059.[end figure description]
I am here, and mizrable!
I am not less than 213 per cent. more mizrable than I used
to be!
I consoomd two hours uv the Sutherin Confedracy's time, and
a 12-foot board, assertainin the eggsact increese uv misery
wich I am engoyin, with the above result.
Wen I wuz draftid, I wuz'nt particularly dissatisfied. My
posishen wuz becomin precarious. Looizer Jane (the wife uv
my buzum) had cut off my supplies, and wuz a wasting the
money she reseevd fer washin on bread and clothes fer the
childern, and misunderstandins and coolnisses ensood. I whaled
her in the afternoon, when she wuz tired, and she whaled me
in the mornin, when she wuz fresh. Had I expendid the
energy and strength consoomd in whalin Looizer Jane in
choppin cord-wood, I mite hev owned a farm. I then tried
the credit system, but the unanimity with which the barkeepers
all remarkt that “that thing wuz played out,” wuz
trooly surprisin to the undersined.
Knowin that I cood at any time desert to my Suthern frends,
I felt satisfied at bein draftid. Sence my enrollment in the
ranks uv the Pelicans, the romance uv the thing hez departid.
Nothin to eat, nothin to wear, no money, and hard work. This
is our fix. The plump, rosy Nasby is no more — anserin to his
name is a lean individual, upon whose nose a bullet cood be
split.
I determined to better myself by marriage. The idee wuz
sejestid by our second corpral, who interdoost me to a widder
lady who lived jest out uv town — the owner uv two thousand
akers. The akers inspired me, and I prest my soot with
vigger and arder. In a week the thing wuz dun. I caught
the regimental chaplin sober enuff wun nite, and we wuz
married.
-- 060 -- p635-069
[figure description] Page 060.[end figure description]
Fer a day I wuz a happy man. I contemplatid MY plantashen,
and wept teers uv joy. Suddenly my happiness bustid.
The sargent informed me that my wife — the future sharer uv
my joys and sorrers — wuz a OCTOROON, one-eighth NIGGER! —
that she wuz a slave left in charge by her mistress, and that
the corpral did it jest for a goak! A purty goak to play upon
a Dimekrat! Nasby marryin a nigger!
My views hev changed on the slavery question. Amalgamashen
is the cuss uv slavery. The blacks hev bleached and
bleached, until it is almost impossible to distinguish the slave
from his owner. Wen the mix becomes wuss, wat then? Wen
the slave is ez white ez his master, wat are yoo goin to do?
Slavery, like a man with a tape-worm, hez within itself the elements
necessary to its destruction. Amalgamashen is the
tape-worm uv slavery.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
XIII. CONVERSES WITH A SOUTHERN SOLDIER.
Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, }
December the 11th, 1862.
I hed a conversashen tother day with a fellow-defender uv
the rites uv the South, wich ruther startled me. I wuz a
holdin forth, with my yoosual ability, on the blessidnis uv
slavery, and wuz, uv coarse, quotin hevy from skripter to
defend my position. A member uv our company interruptid
me by remarkin that nacher hed spiled a great rascal in me by
not contributin a suffishent amount uv brains. He continued
his remarks:
“Nasby,” says he, “I know slavery is a cuss — a onmittygated
cuss. I hed 18 niggers, and they kept me as poor as a
skim-milk cheese. The hogs eat the corn, the niggers eat the
hogs, and I lived on what they left. To defend my property
in these niggers, we seceshed and startid a new guvment.
The new guvment took the corn, the hogs, the niggers, and
-- 061 --
[figure description] Page 061.[end figure description]
finally took me. My oldest dawter run off with wun defender
uv the flag, my wife with another, and my youngest childern
is livin with sum niggers to old for the guverment to take.
I've had my share uv rites, I hev. Ef there's any more comin
to me, give em to some poor person as needs em. I'm jest
more'n rollin in a perfooshn uv that kind uv wealth.”
“But,” sez I —
“Ther aint no buts,” sez he. “Yoo're a Northern man, and
don't hev niggers. Don't defend nigger. Ef I hev the itch,
I may sware that itch is a good thing; but wat sense is ther
in yoor swarin it, onasked and for nothin. Sech stratejy
borders closely on lunacy. Let us squeeze our own biles —
don't yoo do it gratooitous. Appolygize for your own sins —
don't shoulder ourn. I may be mean for my own profit, but
to act dirty for another man's use, and hev him kick ye for
doin it, is a lick ahead uv my comprehenshun. Durn all
sich men.”
And he stawkt indignantly away.
I hev reseevd more letters from frends in my wunst happy
but now distractid home than I kin anser separately. I shel
do it all to-wunst, thus:
John M. — Shoemakin wood be a splendid biznis here, only
ther aint no leather. Practice half-solin with straw before
yoo start.
W. G. — The pay uv a member uv the Mississippi Legislater
is $6 per diem, evry day, paid in Confedrit 30 per cent. bonds,
redeemable at the pleasure uv the guverment any time within
two centuries. Come along. Almost anybody kin git offis in
this state.
P. N. — Ther is a good openin for a watchmaker here. I
am the only mechanic in this section uv Mississippy. I fixt
the kernel's watch yisterday; forged a mane-spring out uv a
baynet, and for a chane used a fiddle-string. It don't jest
keep time, but ez it ticks, it ansers to bet on poker with.
Fetch sum lard ile; tar won't work on watches, even in this
warm climate.
Amos. — The success uv our goverment is shoor. Finances
hez troubled us, but our Sekretary uv the Treasury hez bought
two fast printin-presses and a lot uv paper on tick, and we
now git all we want.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 062 -- p635-071
XIV. AT HOME.
Wingert's Corners, Ohio, }
February the 27th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 062.[end figure description]
A man who duz things frum principle kin stand a good deal.
I kin. Sustaned and soothed by an unfaltrin trust in the
rychusnis uv the Suthrin coz, I stuck to my beluvd regiment,
the Loozeaner Pelikins, with a tenasity wich I did not dream
I possest. But ther is a pint beyond wich human nacher cannot
go. I endoord hunger and cold — I saw the rags drop off
my muskeler limbs wun by wun — I murmured not. But,
wen the pantaloons wuz awl gone, wen my costoom wuz a
blanket and wun shoe, and I applide for new pants, and the
quarter-master onfeelinly remarkt that my dress wuz all rite —
that hereafter my costoom wuz to be adoptid ez the uniform
uv the regiment — I feel that desershun wuz no longer a crime,
and I deserted. It is entirely onnessary to rekount awl I endoored
in makin my eskape. Suffice it to say, that at Columbus
I stript the klose off uv an innebriatid solger, and made
my way to Amandy Township. My old Dimekratik friends
did not kno me, and ez I expected to borry money uv them, I
deemed it best not to make myself known.
They were suspishus uv my bloo kote at fust, until wun uv
them remarkt how I likt the serviss?
To wich I answered, “Dam the serviss!”
“Don't admire fitin for the nigger, eh?”
“Not any,” sez I.
“Why not desert?” sez he.
“I hev deserted,” sez I.
In a instant the aspeck uv things wuz changed. A jug
wuz prodoost, and they awl shook hands. Wun, more richer
nor the rest, handed me a treasury note uv $10, sayin, “You
may need it.”
I replide that, as a general thing, I wood hev nothin to do
with any paper that bore the babboon likeness uv the usurper
and tyrent Linkin; but, under the cirkumstances, I wood endoor
it until I cood get it changed into Ingeany money. They
-- 063 -- p635-072
[figure description] Page 063.[end figure description]
took up a collekshun to-wunst, for my benefit, which amounted
to 43 dollars.
Jest at this pint wun uv em asked me to what regiment I
belonged. I replied, “The Loozeaner Pelikins.”
“Loozeaner!” sed another; “why, that's a Confedracy regiment,
aint it?”
“To be sure,” sez I.
“And are yoo a deserter from a Suthrin regiment?” sez the
benevolent old butternut who hed invested $10 in the deserter
biznis.
“Sartin,” sez I.
Seezin me by the throat, he ejackulated, “Give me my
money, you swindler!” And with a unanimity trooly surprisin,
they awl yelled, “Give me my money, you swindler —
you got it under false pretences.” Hevin the money safe in my
pockit, I took these compliments with ekanimity, sidlin out and
gettin away ez soon ez possible.
I am disappointed in Amandy. Frum wat I hed heard, I hed
supposed they were kind to deserters. I find that it makes
much difference wich side you desert from.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
XV. ASSISTS DRAFT RESISTERS.
In the Hands of Linkin Hirelings, }
Hoskinville,
March 26, 1863.
*I am in durance vile. Wunst more the tree uv liberty is
uprooted in my person; wunst more hev the unrighteous tools
uv the monster Linkin seized my venerable form and
-- 064 --
[figure description] Page 064.[end figure description]
incarceratid it in a basteel. So many times hev I bin imprisoned
fer opinion's sake, that, ef I kin get a pardner with capital, I
shel go into the marterin biznis. But to my narrashen. When
the news reechd me uv the bold stand made by the heroes uv
Hoskinville in opposition to the draft, I determined to throw
myself “into the deadly and imminent breech.” I made my
way to Hoskinville, wuz reseeved with the wildest enthoosiasm
by the patriots ther assembled, and wuz to wunst placed in
command uv the forces. It wuz a proud day for Nasby!
Before me stood, leaned, and laid (akordin ez they hed emptied
their canteens, wich wuz all filled with new fitin whisky), two
hundred uv the brave sons uv Hoskinville, from the rich, horyheaded
farmer (uv whom I promptly borrerd 80 odd dollars)
to the gay and sportive yooth uv 16, all consoomd with onquenchable
arder. I drilled sech uv them ez were suffishently
sober to keep their feet, nigh onto two days, amoozin ourselves,
into the intervals with passin resolooshens denouncin Linkin,
and pledgin ourselves to resist even unto death.
At last our scouts brot us intelligence that two companies
uv bloo-coated hirelins wuz within 9 miles uv us, approachin at
the rate uv wun and a half miles per hour. “Ha!” shouted I,
“the foe! they comest! Now, men uv Hoskinville and visinnity,
show yourselves men!” Accordingly another meetin was
immejitly organized, chairman and sekretary appointid, and a
resolution passed, pledgin the meetin to resist, even unto death,
the proseedins to be published in all the Dimecratik papers.
We adjourned, and I wuz about drawin on em up in line uv
battle, and wuz instructin uv em to hold the muzzle uv the gun
from, instid uv toward, theirselves when they fired, and wuz
explainin to others the necessity uv puttin the powder down
the barrel before the ball, and makin sich other arrangements
ez a wise and prudent commander, determined to conker or
die, would, when suthin like a dozen uv em ejakilates:
“Gineral!”
Drawin myself up to my full hite, I anserd, “Wat!”
“Gineral,” sez one uv the oldest, “we are not advantajusly
postid. Wood it not be better on the hill?” sed he, pintin to
a high eminence jest east uv the town. I perseeved at a
glance the strategik importance uv the position, as the enemy
wuz approachin from the west, and I ordered the men to de
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ploy by squadrons, in open right file platoons, and okepy the
summit. Never wuz a order obeyed with greater alacrity. I
hev a reputashen fer speed — I kin rival the courser and outstrip
the jentle gazelle — but they shot past me like an arrow.
Their enthoosiasm carried em to the top uv the hill, and how
much further I hev no menes uv knowin, ez when I reached
the top uv the hill not wun uv the resisters wuz in site.
I wuz arrested that nite. In vain I protested that I wuz a
Methodist preacher sellin fruit trees; my nose, wich blossoms
ez the lobster, and a copy of the Noo York Day-Book I hed in
my pocket, wuz aginst me, and I wuz to-wunst confined. My
feelins is hurt.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
eaf635n7* Hoskinville is a small village in Noble County, Ohio, which was made
the headquarters of a body of draft-resisters. Inspired with confidence that
a general resistance could be made to the United States authorities in charge
of the draft by means of the Knights of the Golden Circle — a secret order
instituted to throw all possible hindrances in the way of the loyal cause — the
copperhead Democracy of the vicinity made an armed rendezvous at this
point. The movement was, of course, a miserable failure, like the greater rebellion,
of which it was a miniature.
XVI. STRATEGISES.
Wingert's Corners, Ohio, }
May the 15th, 1863.
*Dimokrasy hezn't ez many hobbies now ez it used to hev,
and it is somewhat difficult to keep the people strung up to the
proper pitch. Nigger is all the capital we hev left, and its
rather tough work to keep the old machine runnin. In Union
and Orange their blood dident bile when I told em that 40,000
niggers wuz on their way to that section — nary bile. So I
hed recourse to strategy. Last Friday nite I prokoored some
lamp-black and lard-ile, and applyin it to my classic countenance
and my laber-staned hands, transformed myself into a
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villainous contraband. Then I proceeded after night to the
south end uv the township, and at daylight commenst going
north. The skeem workt beautiful. At every house the follerin
conversashen wood ensoo:
“Hello, Cuff! wher you from?”
“Tennisee, massa.”
“Wher you goin?”
“I'se gwine to stop sumers 'bout heah.”
“Who sent you North?”
“Kurnel Niblin, and de Ablishners ob de 21st.”
“Dam Niblin, and yoo too. Git!”
Wich I alluz did. Then going back, I'd take another road,
stealin sich trifles ez shirts and stockins, and usin sich other
means uv arousin our people to a realizin sense uv the cuss uv
a floatin nigger populashen ez sejested themselves to my mind.
It became a serious thing though, for on the fourth day so
many hed seen me, that they reely sposd the nigger invashen
had commenst, and they hunted me. I run a mile, and findin
they were gainin on me, darted into the woods, washed, and
come out ez the original Nasby.
Lord! what an enthoosiastic meetin we had that night.
Their faith in the nigger invasion hed bin shaky, but it was
now firm. They had seen em. Wun had seen thirty-eight
that day, uv wich number he wuz proud to say he had killed
five. I larfed innardly, but held my peece. Desepshen is
justifiable now and then.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
eaf635n8* The rebel party in the North relied on stirring up into fury the ignorant and
prejudiced against the unfortunate victims of American oppression. Negro riots
in several of the large cities were created by circulating slanderous fabrications,
charging colored people with crimes and scandals. In one city, the scum of its
purlieus was excited to riotous proceedings by a false story, charging a prominent
colored man with insulting a white girl who came to his store as a
customer. The calumny was as groundless as any that malice ever invented.
Yet it was only by the most resolute efforts of peaceable citizens that a
general and murderous onslaught on the unoffending negro population was
prevented.
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XVII. ADDRESSES THE SOLDIERS.
Joon 10, 1863.
[figure description] Page 067.[end figure description]
*At a meetin uv the managers uv the ginoowine Dimokrasy,
consistin uv the illustrious Vallandigum and myself, it was
resolved to ishoo a address to the soljers uv the Cumberland.
Vallandigum, hevin failed in the habus corpus biznis, is employin
his spare time in amusin of hisself in Fort Warin, wich
is near Boston. The dooty, therefor, devolves upon me.
Soljers: Ez individooels hevin votes, I esteem you; ez
invaders of Dimekratik states, ez men engaged in the slawtrin
uv Dimekrats by the 1000, ez bloo-coated tools uv a Abolishn
despotism, I cannot smile on you approvinly.
Sum uv you wuz Dimekrats, who, without contemplatin the
konsekences to the party, volunteerd. Fatle errer! incomprehensible
stoopidity! And I regret to lern that, notwithstandin
we hev told you over and over that it is a Abolishn war, you
laff at our sollum warnins, and many uv you hev turned
Abolishnists yourselves.
We warned you uv the evils that wood naterally foller
Abolishn victoris. To show you that we proffeside correctly,
I call yure attenshun to the follerin strictly Dimekratik fact.
Since the commensement uv the war, the addishn uv niggers
to Northern Ohio hez bin ez follows:
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| Hancock, |
28,000 |
| Wood, |
84,000 |
| Lorane (wich is near Oberlin), |
103,000 |
All uv wich is studyin for the ministry, drawin cavalry
captin's pay and rashens, till they gradooate, incloodin two white
servants, each.
And so on, ad infinytum. These niggers are workin in
sitooashens you wunst okepied. The tailor shops, blacksmith
shops, shoe shops, and stores is all filled with these noosencis,
fresh from Suthrin plantashens. So yoo see that while they
hev seezed upon yoor labor, you are taxt by a nigger-lovin
government to support them in idlenis. But there is more
facts:
| Number uv soljer's wives who died uv starvashen in Hancock County
last week, |
1,253 |
Besides one small woman they did not count. And all this
time (my blood biles wen I think uv it) the entire nigger
populashen is bein fed on briled sirline stake, stufft with
oysters. 238 white men hev marrid black females within two
weeks, also 803 white wimmin to black men, all in the corporashen
uv Wingert's Corners, the guverment payin license,
preecher's fee, and the bridle outfit, incloodin furnytoor to
start em housekeepin.
It is useless to multiply instances. You are exposin yoor
lives and helth, just to set free a army uv shiftlis niggers, who
wont work, and who, by takin yoor places on the farms and in
the workshops, will prevent you from earnin a honest livin wen
yoo git back.
Soljers, remember these things wen yoo vote this fall.
Under Dimekratik rule, wen the South roold us precisely as
they wantid to, all wuz peace. We kin hev it agin on the
saim terms, with perhaps the payin uv the expensis they have
incurred in manetainin uv ther rites, payin penshuns to the
widders uv them yoo hev wickidly slain, et settery.
Soljers! you kin emansipate yoorselves. Shoot yoor orfisers,
throw down yoor arms, and cum home. The old party is in
danger, and without you it'll go to rooin a canterin. Shel any
feelin uv pride in yoor country deter you from comin wen yoor
party is in peril? I cannot believe it.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
eaf635n9* The chief reliance of the rebel-sympathing Democracy was in imposing
falsehoods on the ignorant, and inflaming their prejudices against the negro
population. They represented that a flood of negroes from the slave
plantations would inundate the farms and workshops of the North, and
supplant the labor of white men; that they would establish themselves in
positions of social equality with white people, even to the extent of marrying
into the best and most reputable white families. In one congressional district
in Indiana, a couple of wagon-loads of negroes were hired by Democratic
politicians to make a journey through the several counties of the district,
passing through all the principal towns, to create the impression that an
immense irruption of negroes into the Northern States was just beginning, from
which dire results were to be apprehended. In like manner incredible stories
of inter-marriages between whites and blacks, in distant places always, were
circulated.
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XVIII. ORGANIZES A DEMOCRATIC CHURCH.
Wingert's Corners, Ohio, }
June the 6th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 069.[end figure description]
*Nuthin hez dun so much agin the Dimokrasy ez churches,
skool-houses, Sundy skools, preachers, and sich. Here, our
people hev awoken to the dangerous tendencies uv sich instooshns,
and hev set about viggerously to suppress em. Ez
this work is wat my hart delites in, I organized the pious portion
uv the Dimokrasy, that we mite do our work well and
thorough. When my gigantic intellek hez a chance, the work
is shoor to be well done, and I hev the satisfaction uv announcin
the complete destruction uv two churches, the drivin
off uv five preachers, and the frightnin uv many wimin.
But my mission is not alone to tear down — I bild up. The
ijee segestid itself to my fertile mind, that a strikly Dimekratik
church and Sundy skool wood not only help the cause, but
afford me an easy livin.
It wuz dun, and I am reglarly installed ez the paster uv the
First Dimekratik Church uv Ohio.
The follerin is the order uv exercises: —
1. People assemble at the second tootin uv the horn.
2. Readin uv one uv the follerin passages uv Skripter:
9th chapter uv Gennysis, wich relates the cussin uv Canaan,
provin that niggers is skriptoorally slaves; and the chapters
about Hayger and Onesimus, wich proves the Fugitive-slave
Law to be skriptooral. (The rest uv the Bible we consider
figgerative, and pay no attenshun to it watever.)
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3. Singin — “O, we'll hang Abe Linkin on a sour apple-tree,”
or some other improvin ode, hevin a good moral.
4. Readin extrax from the Noo York Argus.
5. Singin — “O, John Brown's body hangs a danglin in
the air.”
6. Lecture on watever phase uv the nigger question may
seem appropriate.
We hev also organized a Sundy skool on a pure basis. I
spent much time in gettin up a katekizm, uv wich the follerin
is a sample: —
Q. Wat is the cheef end uv man?
A. To whale niggers and vote the Dimekratik tickit
forever.
Q. Wat do the Skripters teach?
A. That a angel sent Hayger back to her mistress; that Paul
sent Onesimus back; and “Servance, obey yoor masters.”
Q. Who wuz Onesimus and Hayger?
A. Onesimus wuz a mulatter, and Hayger a octoroon.
Q. Wat is sin?
A. Skratchin a ticket.
Q. Who compose the Dimekratik trinity?
A. Vallandigum, Brite, and Fernandywood.
Q. Wat is the first duty uv man?
A. To beware uv Ablishn lies; to rally to the poles; to vote
early; and to bring in the agid, the infirm, and the ideotik.
To stimoolate the infant mind, I hev institootid a system uv
rewards, ez follows:
For commitin two verses uv Vallandigum's address, one
check for beer, good at the Corners; five verses, two checks;
twelve verses, four checks; and to the child hevin the most
verses, a copper-mounted butternut pin.
We hed a festival yesterday. The tables wuz bounteously
spred with bolony, liver-worst, and crackers, wile a barl uv
native whisky furnisht the flooids nessary. It wuz a tetchin
site to see the mothers, with maternal solissitood, a mixin
nacher's great restorer with water and sorgum surup, to adapt
it to the infantile stumick. For my part, I alluz take mine
strait.
I bleeve good will be accomplisht. Last week, in makin a
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-- 071 -- p635-082
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pastoral visit, jest about noon, to the house uv wun uv my
flock, who hez fine poultry, I wuz amoosed at heerin a meer
infant, only three years uv old, swinging his little hat, and cry,
“Hooraw for Jeff Davis.” It wuz tetchin. Pattin the little
patriot on the head, I instantly borrowd five cents uv his
father to present to him.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
eaf635n10* In the South, and among the allies of slavery in the North, great use was
made of the Bible in arguments to prove the righteousness of slavery. The
main argument was drawn from the cursing of one of the children of Ham by
Noah, in these words: —
“Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.”
The conclusion was, that the negroes were the sons of Canaan, and the
southern saints were the pious patriarchs in whose tents he was to dwell as a
servant. The duty to return fugitives from bondage to their masters was inferred
from Paul's letter to Philemon. Churches were organized by the
Democracy, in various parts of the West, on this purely Democratic basis.
XIX. GOES ON WITH HIS CHURCH.
Church of St. Vallandigum, }
June the 10th, 1863.
*We hed a blessid and improvin time yisterday. My little
flock staggered in at the usual hour in the mornin, every man
in a heavenly frame uv mind, hevin bin ingaged all nite in a
work uv mercy, to-wit: a mobbin uv two enrollin officers.
One uv em resisted, and they smote him hip and thigh, even
ez Bohash smote Jaheel. (Skriptooral, wich is nessary, bein
in the ministry.) He wuz left for dead.
We opened servis by singin a hym, wich I writ, commencin
ez follows: —
“Shel niggers black this land possess,
And mix with us up here?
O, no, my friends; we rayther guess
We'll never stand that 'ere.”
I then held forth from this text: “Whar hev ye laid him?”
I statid that the person I referred to wuz the marterd Vallandigum,
and I, in behaff uv a outraged Dimokrasy, demanded
uv the tyrant Linkin, “Wher hev yoo laid him?” A unconvertid
individooal sed, “He's laid him out!” wich remark cost
-- 072 --
[figure description] Page 072.[end figure description]
him a broken head. I went on to show why our saint hed bin
martered. It wuz becoz he wuz a Dimekrat — becoz he dared
to exercise the rites guaranteed to every American, exceptin
Ablishnists and niggers, uv aboosin the guvernment. For this,
and nuthin else, wuz he eggsiled. “My friends,” sez I, drawin
myself up to my full hite, and lookin as much like Fernandywood
ez possible, “I am willin to be marterd. I denounce this
war as unholy, unconstooshnel, unrighteous, and unmittigated.
It is nothin less than a invashen uv Dimekratik states for the
sole purpus of freein niggers. Linkin is a tyrant, Burnside a
tool, Order 38 a relik of barberism, and I will resist the enrollment,
the conscripshen, and the tax. Hooray for Geff Davis.”
*Our class-meeting wuz more interestiner than ever. One
old white-headed brother sed that at times his way was dark,
and his pathway gloomy. Wunst he wuz very near becomin
a infidle. He reely believed at one time that the nigger was
human, and wunst he voted for a Republican road supervisor.
But he hed repented, and was, he trusted, forgiven. His
mind wuz now easy, and he should vote the whole Dimekratik
tickit.
Two backsliders, who scratched their tickits last fall, confest
their sin publicly. I exhorted them two hours, fined em a
gallon uv whisky apeece, and took em into full communion.
The whisky will be devotid to the missionary service, wich
is me.
This is a deliteful feeld uv labor. At the Corners they give
me sich flooids ez I need at all the doggeries but one, and at
that one they trust me, wich amounts to the same thing. I
hev borrid uv my flock over sixty dollars already. It is a rich
feeld, and wun wich will endoor much workin. My nose is
deepnin in color every hour.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n11* The notoriety obtained by Vallandigham and other active sympathizers
with the rebellion, had the effect of manufacturing a host of imitators. The
sure road to preferment in the Democratic party at that time was “Martyrdom,”
and the pot-house politicians in Democratic localities all coveted arrests.
The government disappointed all but a few leading spirits, who were really
dangerous.
eaf635n12* General Burnside, in command of the department including Ohio, issued an
order providing for the arrest and trial, as spies, of all persons who “commit
acts for the benefit of the enemies of our country,” and also that “the habit of
declaring sympathy for the enemy will not be permitted in this department.”
Under this order (No. 38) Vallandigham was arrested and sent south.
-- 073 -- p635-084
XX. “CAPCHERD. ”
In a Linkin Basteel, Columbus, Ohio, }
June the 20th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 073.[end figure description]
Agen I am in durence vile. Agen I am in the hands uv
Linkin's hirelin minyuns, and my church is without a paster.
The sheperd is smitten and the sheep may be scattered. Were
it not for two barls uv whisky that we hed in the church, I
doubt wether the organnizashen wood continue. My prayer
is that the cohesive flooid may hold out till I return. My capcher
wuz ez follows:
Wen the Dimekrats, the peece men of Homes County, declared
war, I threw off the sacerdotle robes and tuk up the sword.
Arrivin at Millersberg, I jined the peace forces to onst. Ability
is alluz recognizd, and I wuz immejitly made commander-in-cheef
uv the forces. A full uniform uv butiful butternut cloth
and a copperheded sword wuz presented me. I immejitly commenst
drillin the men, and in two days hed them perfishent in
compny and battalyun drill.
We fortyfide, buildin gabeyuns, faseens, and eliptiks, and
neglectid no precaushen to make victry sure. Fifteen hundred
strong, we pledgd ourselves to hist the black flag, and
never surrender.
Finally the enemy hove in site. Ez they cum up, our men
trembled with anxiety to meet em. Sum two hunderd askt
permishen to withdraw from the fortyfications, make a detoor
over the hill, and flank em, wich request, bein unwillin to restrane
their arder, I ackseded to. Sum 500 jined em, and I
spoze are detoorin yet, ez I hev never seen em since. This
movement wuz fatle, ez all went who were sober enuff to walk.
Jest afterwards cum the catastrophy. Ten uv the very men
who hed bin formost in advisin resistence, cum up with the
Fedrals, and advised a surrender! Hopin to gain time, I askt
two hours to consider. Unfortnit errer! Before the too
hours wuz up, half the men wuz sober, and, instid uv histin the
black flag, they capitoolatid, delivrin up the ringleeders. I
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wuz taken ez a hed ringleeder, and wuz ironed and taken to
Columbus, wher I now am.
In hopes uv keepin my flock together, I writ em a epistle,
as follows:
To the Faithful at Wingert's Corners, greetin:
I write you in bonds. I beseech you, deerly beloved, to be
stedfast in yoor faith, holdin on to sich truth ez I left you. Be
viggelent in good works, patient in chasin enrollin offisers, and
quick in tarrin and feathrin on em. For, tho I am not with
you, the tar-barl and what's left uv the feathers is in my study,
jest behint the whisky barls. Be temprit. Ten or twenty
nips per day is enuff fer any man in health; if weakly, the
number may be indefinitly increest. I am alluz in bad helth.
Beware uv false teechers: let no Ablishnists pizen yer minds.
Keep up yure Sundy exercises; ef yoo hev wun among you
that kin rede, let him next Sundy eddify yoo with Wood's
speech. Neglect not the Sundy skool. That proper interest
may be kept up in the minds uv the childern, I wood sejest
that Sundy afternoons you ketch a preecher and hev the darlins
rotten-egg him. “Jest ez the twig is bent,” et settry. Be
ennergetik in tearin down meetin-houses, for they are injoorin
us. In conclooshen, deerly beloved, remember me. Send me
a eucher deck, a two-gallon jug uv corn joose; also, the weekly
collekshun. Ef I survive I will be with you agen. In the faith.
Ef they send wat I want, I shell be comfortable here.
In chains, but unsubdood,
Petroleum V. Nasby.
XXI. STARTS A PAPER.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, }
June the 30th, 1863.
I am back in the midst uv my flock. I coodent be a marter.
The Fedral orfisers dismist me with the insultin remark that I
wuz too small pertaters to notis. Hevin time on my hands, and
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feelin that I'm livin in vane onless I am doin suthin for the
grate coz, I hev determined to ishoo a paper, devoted to disseminatin
my vews. I ishood my prospectuses to-day, ez follows:
TO THE PURE DIMOKRASY!
Prospectus uv the “Marter and Tyrent Resister!”
August 1st, the undersined will ishoo the fust number uv a
paper bearin the above title, devoted to the interests uv the
pure Dimokrasy. To inshoor the fatheful just sech a paper ez
they need, the follerin able writers hev bin ingaged, regardless
uv expence:
On arbitrary arrests — Petroleum V. Nasby.
On habis corpuss — P. V. Nasby.
On nigger — P. Volcano Nasby.
On violashens uv Constooshnal rites — Mr. Nasby.
This brilyunt gallaxsy uv intelleck, under my editorial
control.
The “Marter and Tyrent Resister” will support Democracy,
and while givin the government a harty support in puttin down
the rebelyun, will uv coarse oppose —
Coercin the secedid staits; invadin the secedid staits; raisin
armies by volunteerin; raisin armies by draft or conscripshen;
raisin means by tax or tariff; arrestin uv men for sympathisin
with the Southern Dimokrasy; arrestin uv enybody for any
thing; the usin uv niggers ez soljers; the usin uv white men
ez soljers; every thing the Administrashen hez dun, is doin, er
may hereafter do.
It will viggerously advocate —
The Constitooshn ez it is; doin away uv the Constitooshn;
the Union ez it wuz; the plan for dividin the Union into four
parts; the elekshen uv troo Dimekrats to good payin offises;
the enforsement uv the laws; the resistin uv conskripshen and
enrolin offisers; morality and good order; the mobbin uv
Methodis, Presbyterin, Luthrin, Brethrin, and other hetrodox
churches.
I appeal confidently to the Dimokrasy for support. The
actooal, ginooine principles uv Dimokrasy need a able defender,
-- 076 -- p635-087
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and I'm the identicle individooal. My sole is in the coz, and I
am pecooliarly fitted by eddicashen and tastes for the posishen.
I bleeve the speckelashen will pay. My church welkomed
me back with a corjuality trooly affectin. They held a festivle
on my return, to wich the Sunday skool skollars wuz present.
I unbended myself, and kist em onct apeece, takin a nip of corn
essence atween times, wich wuz nessary. Mistakin a mother
for her infant, the infooriated husband assaulted me. I wuz
reskood afore much damage wuz dun. A speshl church meetin
will be held to consider his case.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XXII. PREACHES AND MAKES A SUDDEN SHIFT.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, }
July the 7th, 1863.
*I preached last Sunday from the text, “Break every yoke,
and let the opprest go free.” I went on to show that this text
had no reference whatever to niggers. Niggers wuz ordained
to be bondmen, from the very day Noah took a overdose uv
the great happyfier, and cust Canaan. But the text, like the
Deklarashen uv Independense and the ever-blessid Constitooshn,
wuz made solely for white men. It hed undoubted reference
to the payin uv debts. Wat heavier yoke is ther than
notes? and who is more opprest than he who pays ten per
cent.? “Burn yer notes, and let yer debtors go free,” wood
be a more correcter readin uv the passage.
In our biznis meetin in the afternoon, the question uv the
draft wuz considered. It wuz plain that the enrolement cood
not be prevented. The enrolin orfisers hed managed to do it,
-- 077 --
[figure description] Page 077.[end figure description]
and it wuz a certinty that every name atwixt 18 and 45 wuz
down. And we were also satisfied that the draft cood be enforst,
and therefore it behooves us to make it ez light ez possible,
more espeshly ez when wun uv us is draftid, he will hev
to go, not hevin the nessary 300 dollars. It is here ez it is in
all excloosively Dimekratik communities — the grocery keepers
absorb all the capital. The follerin resolutions were past:
Wareas, Our nashen is involved in a horrible, fratrisidle war,
the same bein unholy, and waged solely to free the nigger and
enslave the white man, wich is therefore our duty to oppose
the same; therefore, be it
Resolvd, That we are in favor uv raisin our quota by volunteerin,
and hereby urge the same.
Resolvd, That we consider the employment uv niggers, ez
soljers, ez not only justifiable, but highly commendable.
Resolvd, That a committee be appointed to sekoor the settlement
uv two hundred families uv niggers in this township, excloosively
for volunteerin purposes.
The resolooshens wuz past, and the committees appointed.
The very next day we heerd uv Vicksburg and Gettysburg.
I to-wunst blew the horn and got my flock together, told em
the news, and offerd the followin resolooshens:
Wareas, Our beloved country is involved in a bloody war
against rebels and traitors —
(A old man interrupted me, sayin, “W-h-a-t?” Payin no attenshen,
I proceeded.)
And in sich a crisis the dooty uv every troo citizen is to
sustain the guverment; therefore, be it
Resolvd, That the Dimokrasy are, ez they alluz hev bin, in
favor uv a viggerous prosekooshen uv the war.
Resolvd, That our confidence in the great Vallandigum is unabated;
and, bleevin him to be the only actooal war man in
Ohio, shel give him our harty support.
Resolvd, That the reports uv troubles in Ohio and Ingeany
is lies, got up to deseeve the people.
The resolooshens wuz past, tho I hed to tell em twice to
vote for em. We immejitly hunted up two enrollin orfisers,
who we tarred and feathered sum weeks ago, jest after Hooker
wuz defeated by Lee at Chanslerville, when we spozd our
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Suthern brethrin wood triumph, and giv em a public dinner.
Ef all the leaders of the Dimokrasy were ez sagashus ez me,
the old party wood hev smooth sailin. Alas! how few hev the
gigantic intellek uv Nasby!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n13* The “sudden shifts” made by the Democracy during the second and third
years of the war were exceedingly comical. They veered as the wind blew.
A Federal victory made them tolerably loyal, and a Confederate success
openly disloyal. The average Democrat was always in doubt as to precisely
where he stood.
XXIII. OBSERVES A DAY OF FASTING.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, }
July the 20th, 1863.
Yisterdy wuz set apart by my congregashen ez a day uv
fastin and humiliashen for our misforchunes at Gettysberg, and
the loss uv Port Hudson and Vixburg. I ishood the follerin
direxshens for the proper observance uv the fast, to-wit:
1. Nip before breakfast not to eckseed two jills.
2. For breakfust no animil food permitted, ceptin ham and
eggs, beef, etc.
3. For dinner, ditto; supper same ez on other days.
4. Beer to be taken by the single glass, and pretzels to be
eaten without salt on em.
5. These rules to be void in the case uv peopil over 35, and
invalids, who may hev ther sustainin flooids ez usual.
I preecht frum this text: “O, my sole, why art thow cast
down?” I told em we wuz cast down becoz uv Meed's whippin
Lee; becoz uv Grant's takin Vixburg, and Banks's takin
Port Hudson. That's what's the matter with us. That's what
hez cast a shadder over our countenansis, and changd the hue
uv our noses from the brilyant crimson to the gastly bloo!
The flattrin hopes uv a successful invashen uv the North is
dasht — likewise the releef uv Vixburg; and now, to fill our
cap uv sorrer, John Morgan's command is destroyd. But still,
my frends, ther is a silver linin to evry cloud. There is wun
ray uv hope amid all this gloom. I allood to the late
-- 079 --
[figure description] Page 079.[end figure description]
constooshnal demonstrashens in Noo York. Ther wuz a victory.
The draft-books wuz destroyed and the draft wuz stopped.
But ther wuz a bigger triumph than stoppin the draft. Niggers
wuz killd — the prowd Anglo-Saxon riz in his mite and stoned
the niggers! Halleloojy! At this pint sum uv the awjence
becum sleepy, and to arowse them I becum faseshus. Why,
sez I, wuz the Dimokrasy, who mauld the niggers in Noo York,
a most energetic and perseverin people? Becoz, anserd I,
they left no stone unturned to effect their purpus. The ijee
uv interdoosin conundrums into the pulpit is originel with me.
I closed by exhortin uv em to stand firm. Ef we kin elect
Vallandigum, we may yet check the Fedral govment in its
victorus career. With Ohio all rite for constooshnal rites, the
game uv subjoogashen wood be playd out. Let us, sed I,
never falter nor faint, but press onnard to the mark uv our
high callin. Ez the Isrelites threw down the walls uv Gerryko
by blowin rams' horns, so kin we by blowin our horns throw
down the walls of this Abolishn Gerryko. Blow your horns,
my brethrin; for whoso bloweth not his own horn, the same
shall not be blown, but whoso bloweth his own horn, the same
shall be blown with a muchness.
We took a numerashen uv our Church with a view to the
draft, with the follerin result:
| Hole number uv male members, |
200 |
| Over 45, |
50 |
| Under 18, |
50 |
| Badly rupcherd, and utherwise diseased, |
92 |
| Gone to Canady to visit ther uncles, |
8 |
| Total |
200 |
We are easy in our minds on this subjeck.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 080 -- p635-091
XXIV. CONFESSION OF FAITH.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, }
Orgust the 31st, 1863.
[figure description] Page 080.[end figure description]
We hed the gloriusist kind uv a season yisterday. The
winders wuz opend, and a shower uv pure Dimekratik grace
desendid upon us, and we wuz blest. Glory! We reseeved
into our Zion eighteen young men, who reseevd the faith by
inheritance, ther fathers hevin alluz voted the strait tickit.
The follerin is the Confeshun uv Faith to which they subscribed: —
Queshn. — Dost bleeve that Canaan wuz doomd to bondage
becoz uv Noer's gittin tite; that Hayger and Onezimus prove
the skriptoorality of the fugitive-slave law; that, taken ez a
hull, they show that the ketchin uv niggers with dorgs is commendible
and evangelikle?
Dost bleeve that the present war is unconstooshnel and unholy;
that it wuz brot on by the Abolishnists interferin with
slavery; that the bombardment uv Sumter wuz rite, tho
hasty?
Dost bleeve that Linkin is a tyrant and usurper; that he hed
no rite too subjoogate the South; that his callin out troops
waz unconstooshnel; and that everything he hez dun, since
the war begun, is likewise unconstooshnel?
Dost bleeve that Vallandigum wuz sent into the world to
save the Dimekratik party; that in doin it he wus arestid at
Dayton, tried afore Ponteus Burnside, and sent Sowth; that,
after three months, he riz agen in Canady, whence he shel cum
ez soon ez he's electid?
Dost bleeve that the central committis is the sole dispenser
uv opinion, and wiltest thow alluz yawp wen they wink?
Dost bleeve that skratchin a tikkit is the onpardonable sin?
Dost bleeve that this war wuz got up to free niggers, and
that to-day Linkin hez seventy-five thousand niggers in the
North, a feedin on fride oysters and hot punch?
Dost bleeve that Lee is the greatest gineral uv the age, and
that all reports uv Fedral victries is lies?
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Dost bleeve Ben Butler's a beast, and Hamlin a mulatter?
Wilt pledge yurself to uncompromisinly oppose yoor sisters
marrying niggers, no matter how much they want to?
To all uv these questions the candidates anserd, “I dost.”
Bro. Tuttle extendid the rite hand uv fellowship, and, after
making a + to their names, wich I hed previously ritten in
our church-book, they wuz made members of my flock.
The coz is prosperin. We commense a series uv revival
meetins next week, and hev made extensive preparashens therefor.
Ten barls uv new whisky and twenty barls uv beer hev
bin pervided. Ther will be a outporin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XXV. VISITS VALLANDIGHAM.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, }
July the 27th, 1863.
*I hev jest returned from a visit to our persekootid saint,
Vallandigum. The marter wuz holdin a resepshun at the Clifton
House wen I arrove. He caught site uv me ez soon ez I entered
the room, and he rusht into my arms, and droopin his
head onto my heavin buzm, wept aloud.
“Marterd saint!” sez I, with a voice tremulous with emoshen.
“Sufferer fer truth!” sez he; and then this trooly grate man
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[figure description] Page 082.[end figure description]
whispered, “Jest keep in this posishn a minnit — the artist uv
the Noo York Illustratid Flapdoodle is makin a sketch uv us;”
wich we did, standin locked into each other's arms, and weepin
profoosely fer 15 minits. It wuz exhaustin and tiresome, but
for the cause I endoord it. The picter will appear in next
week's Flapdoodle, headed “The Two Grate Minds uv the
Age! Affectin meeting uv Vallandigum and Nasby!” The
matter akompanying the picter will be written by Vallandigum
and myself — he writin wat relates to himself, and I wat relates
to myself. We kin do ourselves justis.
“Nasby,” says the great C. L., “how is things in my nativ
state?”
“Squally,” sez I.
“Wat wuz the pervalin sentiment uv the people as to my
eggsile?”
“They wuz extremely glad uv it.”
“The akount uv my prostrashen — my untold suffrins, et
settry, wich I hed publisht in the papers; did that not affect
them?”
“Yes; they laft.”
“Did not the affectin akount uv the wife uv my buzm and
my cherub babes a jinin me here, to share my lonely eggsile,
move em?”
“Nary move.”
“Nasby, the peeple is stun. But I'll fetch em. `Nil despritrando'
is my motto I must be guvner, fer how else kin
we prevent the subjugashen uv the Dimekratik staits? Elect
me, and ther'll be no trouble about drafts, onless we shood git
involved in a war with the United States. The Confederacy
wood be recognized, Ohio wood go with the South, and slavery
wood be interdoost, and ez we woodent hev any further use
-- 083 -- p635-094
[figure description] Page 083.[end figure description]
fer em, poor men woodent be allowed to vote, making me perpetooal
guvner. Nasby, we must succeed.”
“Certainly. But we're in a tite place. Our speekers is embarist.
It takes a gigantik intellek to bring the pints together.
A spritely boy wunst put 200 eggs in a nest for a hen to set
on. Sez his maternal mother:
“`My son, why puttist thou so many eggs under the hen?
She canst not kiver em.'
“`Certinly she canst not; but, thunder! I want to see her
spread herself.'
“Jest so. Our speakers is in the same fix. The outside
egg in the Dimekratik nest is opposition to the war. Tother
side uv the nest, 200 eggs distant, is the support uv the war.
To kiver em all requires great stretchin capacity.”
“Troo, too troo. But we must mix it, and trust to luck. In
loyal counties, stuff em with dilooted patriotism; in OUR counties,
pure secesh. The people is jest ez gullible now ez ever
they wuz.”
I left the patriot and sage much comforted.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n14* Clement L. Vallandigham, a Democratic member of Congress from the
Dayton district in Ohio for a year or two after the outbreak of the war, was
tried by a court martial, and convicted of aiding and abetting the treason of
the rebels of the South. President Lincoln modified the sentence of the court
martial so as to pass Mr. V. into the hands of the rebels, whose cause he was
so zealous in defending in Congress and on the stump. Mr. Vallandigham was
aided by the Confederate authorities in making his way to Canada, where a
number of Confederate emissaries had made their headquarters, for the purpose
of forwarding the plans of the Confederacy, creating disaffection in the
North, and gathering information to be transmitted to the Jeff Davis government.
There was a great attempt made to excite sympathy for Vallandigham
as a martyr for the cause of political liberty and free speech. But, as Mr.
Nasby admits, the attempt was a very decided and laughable failure. On the
plea of suffering for free thought and free speech, he ran for Governor of Ohio
in 1863, but was defeated by the largest majority that ever overwhelmed an unfortunate
or unprincipled politician. So manifest were his traitorous purposes
that patriotic Democrats by thousands refused to vote for him, and the “long
laugh of a world's derision” followed the appeal of the “martyred Vallandigham”
for support and sympathy.
XXVI. CONVERSES WITH A BROTHER.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, }
Wingert's Corners, Orgust the 9th, 1863.
*I hed a brother who left his paternal roof, in 1849, for the
purpus uv makin a fortin a follerin the briny deep. He didn't
make a fortin, however, makin fortins bein a thing fer wich the
Nasby family is not celebratid. He had bin absent all uv the
-- 084 --
[figure description] Page 084.[end figure description]
time, and hed heard never a word frum his native land. He
went frum this county, and wen he landid at Noo York, he
cum strate to this place. I reseeved him with open arms.
“Josef,” sez I, “do yoo still remane troo to the Dimekratik
faith?”
“Petroleum,” sez he, “I do. Ez wuz resolved in our convenshun
the year afore I startid, I bleeve that slavery is a evil,
and that the Dimokrasy uv Ohio shood use all constooshnel
means to mittigait and finally eraddicait it, and —”
“Hold,” sez I; “times is changed. The Dimokrasy now look
upon slavery ez a blessin; but go on.”
“I bleeve,” resoomed he, “that the settlin uv the question
uv slavery by the Missory Compermise wuz rite; and —”
“Hold on,” sez I; “we repealed the Compermise.”
“I bleeve,” retorted he, feebly, “that slavery is the creecher
-- 085 --
[figure description] Page 085.[end figure description]
uv lokle legislashen, and shood be exclooded from the territories;
and —”
“Stiddy,” sez I; “the Dimokrasy is in favor uv extendin it
all over the territories.”
“Well,” sez Josef, sez he, “I'm for the Union, wun and
indivisable; that's Dimokrasy — aint it?”
“Yes,” sez I, “with sevral ifs and much buts. We are jest
now, ez a party, ingaged in the deliteful work uv splittin up the
old Union into four parts, as per Vallandigum. Josef, yoor
behint the age. You see, Josef, we wuz for the Union, wun
and indivizable, jest so long ez the Dimokrasy, wich wuz
mostly located Sowth, hed control uv sed Union. In them
days Noo England wuz under. Then things changd. Noo
England spred over the West, and ther wuz danger uv loosin
the controle. To check em, we commenst legislatin; fustly
repeelin the Compermise, so they mite take niggers ther, if
they cood git in fast enuff. That was a failoor. Then we
decided that the constooshn pertected slavery, and that it cood
go ther anyhow. Still Noo England beet us, electin a Abolishn
President, and we bolted, so that we cood git shet uv New
England. And that's wat the war's about.”
Sez Josef, sez he, “Petroleum, to me it doth seem that
all that's left uv the Dimokrasy, to which I wunst belongd,
is the name.”
To which I sentenshusly replide, “It air.”
Sez Josef, sez he, “Petroleum, I can't git it thro me. Ef I
hed staid at home, perhaps I mite hev took these changes
down, wun at a time, but at wun dose it's to much. Therefore,
Petroleum V., consider me owt. The old flag's good enuff for
me, I thank you, and Androo Jaxson wuz about the style uv a
Dimekrat, you mite bet yer bottom dollar on. I repoodiate the
hull on't. I don't like egg-shells, nor nuthin wat aint got no
meet into it; by wich strikin mettyfor I mean to say that a
party that hez dispozd uv its principples, and lives on a empty
name, aint the assosiashen for any body but a low grade uv
ijeots, and a high grade uv scoundrels, sech ez would garrote
the Goddis uv Liberty fer the white cotton nite gown she is
piktorielly represented ez wearin. Petroleum V., adoo.”
-- 086 -- p635-097
[figure description] Page 086.[end figure description]
The next day he enlistid. I saw him depart with a bloo kote
on. Ez he haddent a dollar that I cood borrer, I wuz rejoist to
see him go.
Respectively,
Petroleum V. Nasby.
eaf635n15* From 1842 until 1848 the Liberty party, which represented the more
zealous anti-slavery sentiment of the Northern States, gathered considerable
strength; in many cases drawing off a sufficient number of votes from the
party in the majority to give the victory to the party before in the minority.
In Ohio the greater number of the anti-slavery voters were from the Whig
party, which fact gave the Democratic party the control of the state. In 1848,
however, the question of the extension of slavery into the territories acquired
by conquest and treaty with Mexico, drew great numbers from the Democratic
party, and developed a strong anti-slavery feeling in the Democratic party. In
that year the “Barnburner” Democrats of New York openly went into the
“Free Soil” movement. In the West this movement became so formidable that
the managers of the Democracy became convinced that they must conciliate
this anti-slavery element, or go into utter defeat. Accordingly at a State Convention
in Ohio, in 1849, a resolution was passed declaring that “slavery was
an evil, and that the government should use all constitutional and proper means
to mitigate, and finally to eradicate it.” Subsequently, when the southern
Democracy demanded the repeal of the Missouri Compromise, a large portion
of the Democracy rose in resistance to that outrageous breach of faith. All
through its history the chief claim of the Democracy to public confidence was
its supreme and unfaltering devotion to the “Union,” against all attempts at
revolution or secession. Thus on all these points it made an indelible record.
The stern behests of the slave power compelled that party to give up, one by
one, all its loud professions in favor of these principles. Those who adhered
to that party were compelled to give up the Missouri Compromise for “Popular
Sovereignty,” and afterwards to yield “Popular Sovereignty” for the doctrine
that the Constitution carried per force the institution of slavery into all
the territories in which state governments had not been established, and in all
states in which it was not prohibited by positive legislation. Finally, when the
rebels struck at the “Union” itself, under the lead of Wood, Vallandigham,
et al., that party practically ranged itself against the efforts of a faithful administration
to preserve the Union. Nasby's brother Joseph, who had been
exiled during the period of eventful changes in the fortunes and principles of
the Democracy, finds that the “Democracy” he left in Ohio, in 1849, was a
very different thing from what he found passing under that name in 1863.
XXVII. PREACHES — SUBJECT, “GIVIN. ”
Church uv St. Vallandigum, }
September the 21st, 1863.
I preeched yisterday frum this text: “Verily I say unto
yoo, It is more blesseder to give than to reseeve.” — Joab
xvii: 313 to '21, incloosiv.
The inspird riter hed, no dout, the Dimerkratik party in his
mind's eye, wen he rit them words uv wisdom. Experence
hez shode the trooth uv them sentence, and ef it hadent, you'd
be bound to bleeve it, coz I, your paster, sez so, wich is
Dimokrasy. To illustrait, we shell inquire:
1. Wat is givin?
Givin is givin, wich is suffishently clear explanashen fer all
practikle perpuses.
2. Wen shood we giv?
We must giv alluz, for it is more blessider to giv than to
reseeve. The Dimokrasy hez alluz bin scriptooral in this
partikeler. Wen the Sowth wantid Misoory, we giv it. Wen
she wantid a fugitiv-slave law, we giv it. Wen she wantid
Texas, and Kansas, and Nebrasky, we giv it — halleloogy!
Wen she wantid Bookannon, we giv it; and wen she demandid
Duglasses hed, we giv it, fer it is more blessider to give than it
is to reseeve.
3. Why shood we give?
Becoz it pays. So long es the Dimokrasy hed the power uv
givin, all wuz well. The Sowth, hevin all it wanted, wuz
contentid, and evrything went on smooth and pleasant like.
Nacher intended em to rool, and us uns to serve, and we wuz
-- 087 --
[figure description] Page 087.[end figure description]
satisfide, and so wuz they. Such offisis ez wuz beneath em
they tost to us, and all wuz peece. It wuz normel.
4. Wat hez bin the consekencis uv not givin?
My frens, seest thou yon post-orifise? A Abolishnist sets
there. And woe is us! the places we onct did fill, all ore the
land, we fill no more. And wuss. Ther is war; the North hez
rebeld aginst the Dimokrasy, and to-day yoor sons is being
dragged to the tented feeld, to be offered up a sakrifis to the fell
sperit uv “not givin.” O, my frens, we stumbled ourselves.
We faild to giv wunst, and that failure wuz fatal. Wen we in our
pride defide the Sowth at Charleston, we sinned, and are now
payin for it. O, hed we all yoonited in givin, then — hed we
follered presedent, and got down into the dust — then all wood
hev bin well.
We dedooce from the foregoin the follerin grate trooth,
to-wit, viz.: Sufferin alluz follers sin. Nether duz the sinner
git the price uv his sin. The demon uv Abolishnism, or Not
Givin, wich is sinonymus, held afore the eyes of Duglis the
dazzlin prospek uv Northrin votes. But lo! wen Duglis hed
took the fatal step, the votes wuz Linkin's, and the post-orfises
wuz Linkin's, and the Dimokrasy supped on sorrer and breakfasted
on woe.
Ther is, my brethren, a heavy cuss on Not Givin. “Wo unto
yoo for a stiff-necked and rebelyus people.” (Abiram 31, 5,
xlp.) In the original Rooshen it is “stiff-backt” instid uv
“stiff-neckt,” wich makes it mene Massachoosetts. They wood
never bend a inch; they hed no limbernis, and with head up,
instid uv down — with backs strate, instid uv curved — they
insisted on bein men ez well ez Virginny, thus forcin the Sowth
to take up arms to bend em into their nateral posishen.
My frens, this war is a effort on the part uv the Sowth to
put down these rebels aginst the grate principle uv Givin.
That's all they want, and wen they git it they'll stop, I
make no doubt. Then, brethrin, let us pray for their success—
let us imitate our martyred saint, Vallandigum, who is a
exil far away, and, to the extent uv our ability, further the
grate coz. Let Noo Ingland be got under; Sumner, and Wade,
and Giddins, and Oin Luvgoy hung; the grate Davis President,
with Fernandywood and Vallandigum in his Cabynit; then
-- 088 -- p635-099
[figure description] Page 088.[end figure description]
will ther be for us peece, and harmony, and good-will, and
post-orfises. Let wat I hev sed sink deep in yoor harts.
Wen the contribooshen box cums around, remember that “it
is more blesseder to give than to reseeve.” So mote it be.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XXVIII. VISITS CAMP DENNISON TO ELECTIONEER FOR VALLANDIGHAM.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, }
October the 1st, 1863.
*Feelin it a sacred dooty I owed the coz uv Dimokrasy and
free speech (on awl subgeks not interferin with Dimokrasy ez
it hez bin, ez it is, or ez it may be), I visited Camp Dennyson,
wich is named after a Abolishnist, to use my stentorin voice
for Vallandigum among the paroled prizners. It wuz a bammy
mornin in September wen I arriv, and procooring admishen, I
set to work to-wunst. Noticin a couple uv dozen uv em a
playin poker — one cent anty — I judged by a instink I hev
that ther wuz a good field for sowin Dimekratik seed. Advancin,
I sed, —
“My frends!”
“Wat,” said wun uv em, takin advantage uv the interrupshen
to slip a ace or two up his coat sleeve.
“My frends,” sed I, “I cum to yoo ez a possel uv peece, and
a umble advokate uv Dimokrasy, and that persookootid angil,
Vallandigum —”
-- 089 --
[figure description] Page 089.[end figure description]
“Five aces, Jimuel,” sed the person who fust sed “Wat”
to me. “I take the pile, coz yoo cant beet five aces;” and,
sweepin the money, he remarkt to me, “Now, parson, wat did
yoo say?”
“I cum,” sez I, “in behalf uv the outraged Vallandigum,
who is a exile far away.”
I found that the sile uv Camp Dennyson wuz alogether too
stony to maik preeching for Vallandigum and free speech very
pleasant, for no sooner hed the words left my lips, than a
shower uv stuns assailed me; wun, that felt ez tho it wayd a
tun, prostrated me. A seriz uv outrages wuz then perpetrated,
wich beggars deskripshun. I wuz peltid with offensive eggs,
and rotten cabbage, and decayd pertaters; in fact, at wun time
the air wuz so full uv eggs, that I might hev thot, hed I ben
poetikle, that the blessid sun wuz a mammoth hen, badly diseased,
and a layin rotten eggs a milliun a minnit. Finally, wun
uv em sez, “Boys, we aint the prizners this feller 's after.
Johnson's Island 's wher he wants to go to find his frends.”
“Yes,” sed another, “and to git there yoo go by water!”
Whereupon, these fiends seezed me, and dragged me thro a
hoss-troff fifteen er a hundred times. Then they pourd cole ile
over me, and wuz a goin to set it afire to dry me, ez they sed,
but I broke and fled, pursood by one thousand uv these infooriatid
demons. I finally escaped, by passin myself orf ez Horris
Greely on to a party uv em who stopt me.
I am at present confind to my bed.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n16* This letter sets forth, as old soldiers well remember, the reception which
the “boys in blue” were wont to give to those who were suspected of any
complicity with the cause of the rebellion which they were called away
from their homes to help to subdue. Against northern traitors the feeling was
especially bitter, and when one was discovered in camp, the feeling of the soldiers
was expressed often in a style very similar to that here described.
-- 090 -- p635-101
XXIX. WAILETH.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, }
October the 14th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 090.[end figure description]
*I'm sad — and sick. My hed is a fountain uv teers, and
mine eyes distil dilootid corn-joose. My hart is lead, and my
sole is pot-bellied with greef. My lims ake with woe, my
manly form is bowd, and my venrable lox is turned white. O,
Vallandigum, thou hast gone to the grave, and in the same
toom is berrid all my hopes. Adoo, vane world, adoo! I'll be
a nunnery.
The fate uv the peeple uv Ohio is seeld. Vallandigum is not
only a exile far away, but there is a cheerful prospek, wich is
daily improvin, uv his continnerin in the exile biznis fer an indeffynit
period uv time. A tyrannikle President hez taken our
old habis corpusses from us, and persistently refuses to furnish
us new wuns; and the people, hevin acquiest by their votes,
we lay bound hand and foot. Men fleein from conskripshen,
and sich, kin be seezed and dragged into slavery; cavalry,
drest in odjus bloo, hez licence to hunt the pantin fugitive,
who, after drawin his bounty and pay, changis his mind, and
-- 091 --
[figure description] Page 091.[end figure description]
desires to return to the buzum uv his family, and the shootin
uv enrollin orfisers and tax assessors will now be considered
a crime. Alas!
The news affectid me variously. I hed our township all
fixt, hevin distribitid tikkits, and knowin none of uv em cood
skratch em, ez they don't rite enny, I reseevd the returns
with a gratifide smile. “Bless you, my children! you hev
done nobly,” sez I. Presently a currier arrivd, bringin the
disturbin intellygens that the northern countis give Bruff thirty
thousand, and two minnits thereafter another arrivd, statin that
the suthrin countis had got loonatik and given Bruff thirty-five
thousand. With a hart-rendin and sole-tarin shreek, I fell a
inannymait corps on the flore.... I awoke. An odor
uv suthin natrel filled the room, givin me life agin. It wuz
whisky. The worthy woman at whose house I board, hed bin
rubbin the soles uv my feet with a jug, and givin me small
doses uv the restorer thro a funnel. Her exershens restord
me to life again. I presume the fact uv my owin six months
board did not nerve her frajile arm. It wuz revrence.
Despondent and weery uv life, I attempted sooiside. I mixt
my licker fer a day; I red a entire number uv the Crisis; I
peroozed “Cotton is King,” “Pulpit Pollytiks,” and “Vallandigum's
Record,” but all in vane. Ez a last desprit resource,
I attemptid to pizon myself by drinkin water, but that failed
me. My stumick rejected it — I vomited.
I am to much prosterated to offer either advice or consolashen
to my Dimekratick friends. We air in a stait uv abgect
cussitude. To see Waid, and Chase, and Oin Luvgoy, and that
3-ply Abolishnist, Horris Greely, feelin good, is prusic acid
and stricknine to us. I shell seek releef from my sorrers in
the floin bole.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
eaf635n17* The Ohio gubernatorial election, in 1863, was one of the most exciting and
hotly-contested of any ever held in the State or in the country. With the Republican
ranks depleted by the enlistment into the army of vast numbers of the
members of that party, and no provision for taking the vote of soldiers in the
field, the Democracy had carried its state ticket in 1862. There was no legislature
elected that year. This victory was claimed as evidence of a reaction
against the war for the Union. The banishment of C. L. Vallandigham for
stirring up treason, was the occasion for a strong appeal to the sympathy of
the soft-souled and extremely sympathetic, and he was brought out as the candidate
of the Democracy for the office of governor. This course aroused all
the energy of loyal men. John Brough, a Democrat of the olden time, was
nominated as the Union Republican candidate. He was an eloquent and
forcible reasoner, and perfectly familiar with the history of the politics of the
state and of the country. He entered into the canvass with great energy, and
received strong assistance from the most eloquent and patriotic men of the
country. The legislature passed an act providing for taking the votes of soldiers
in the field, and Brough was elected by a majority of over one hundred
thousand.
-- 092 -- p635-103
XXX. IN THE “APOSSEL BIZNIS. ”
October the 6th 1863.
[figure description] Page 092.[end figure description]
The sole uv Nasby's foot knows no rest. Eternal viggilence
is the price uv liberty, and a old Dimekrat who hez never
skratched a tikkit, and who never spiles his likker by dilooshn,
kin work in these perilus times. I am engaged in organizin
societies on the basis uv the Union ez it wuz, the Constitution
ez it is, and the nigger wher he ought to be. This employment
soots me. The apossel biznis I like. Brot into continool
contack with the best uv Dimekrats, I hev the run uv a thowsand
jugs — pay regler and libral — facilities for borrerin unekalled—
I am kontent. I send a few extrax from my journal.
Mundy, 2d. — Kum into Whartensberg afoot. Wuz reseevd
with enthooziasm, invited to drink twenty times in ez menny
minits, wich invitashens I acceptid, solely for the good uv the
coz. Hevin cast-iron bowils, I survived the trial. Hed a
meetin, and adminsterd the oaths to resist drafts and shelterin
deserters; and after exhortin uv them to stand by Dimokrasy,
borrered thirty dolers and a clean shirt, and departid. [Poskrip. —
The clean shirt I borrered frum a line about 9 P. M.]
Toosdy, 3d. — Houktown wuz the next pint. Dimokrasy all
rite to opperate on. Never wuz in a place in wich nigger wus
so hated and feerd. They hev a holesum prejoodis agin every
thing black. Wun old patriark shot all his black sheep, paintid
a black hoss red, and his dawter, a gushin maiden uv thirtytoo,
askt the objik uv her affeckshins too dy his raven locks
white. A rumor that a provo marshel wuz in the visinity did
the job for him in a single nite. Found em well organizd.
Addrest em at length, showin conclusivly that hed Linkin resined
in favor uv the great Davis, we shood never hed this
war; that sich a compermise, and the follerin concessions,
wood hev averted blud-shed, to-wit:—
The rite uv suffrage to be held only by slave-owners, and
sich ez they may designate. The repele uv awl tariffs ceptin
the wun on sugar. The fillin up uv Boston harber. The
-- 093 -- p635-104
[figure description] Page 093.[end figure description]
suppreshun uv the Triboon. The hangin uv Giddins, Wade,
Stevens, Sumner, and Oin Luvgoy.
I dwelt at length on the horrors uv amalgamashen, and
closed with an elokent appele to stand by Vallandigum and
pure Dimokrasy. Borrered three dolers on a prommis to remit,
wich I shel do sum time after next Presidenshel eleckshin.
I made the wictim eazy by givin him my note. When men
can be made comfortable by simply a note, I alluz do it, if
they furnish paper. Benevolens is a prominent trate in my
karicter.
Wensdy, 4th. — Van Buren wuz my next pint. The Dimokrasy
here hav their lamps trimd and burnin. They indoost
more soljers to desert than any township in the county, ceptin
Amandy and Union. I organized a branch society to-wunst.
A blessid feelin pervades here. They jest more than hate
niggers, and mor'n twenty babies hev bin named Vallandigum
within six months. One enthoosiastic old butternut named a
femail infant Vallandighamia, and another named his boy Vallandigum
Woods Bright. The boy hez a strong constitooshn,
and may live. Things is workin in Allen. I borrered only
eight dollers uv the fatheful, wich I shel pay wen one of my
rich uncles pegs out.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XXXI. HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT.
Church uv St. —, }
November the 1st, 1863.
I felt it my dooty to visit Washinton. The miserable condishon
the Dimokrasy find themselves into, since the elecshen,
makes it necessary that suthin be did, and therefore I determined
to see wat cood be effectid by a persnel intervew
with the President.
-- 094 --
[figure description] Page 094.[end figure description]
Interdoosin myself, I opened upon him delikitly, thus:—
“Linkin,” sez I, “ez a Dimekrat, a free-born Dimekrat, who
is prepared to die with neetnis and dispatch, and on short notis,
for the inalienable rite uv free speech — knowin also that you
er a goriller, a feendish ape, a thirster after blud, I speek.”
“Speek on,” says he.
“I am a Ohio Dimekrat,” sez I, “who hez repoodiatid Vallandigum.”
“Before or since the elecshin did yoo repoodiate him?”
sez he.
“Since,” retortid I.
“I thot so,” sed he. “I would hev dun it, too, hed I bin
you,” continnered he, with a goriller-like grin.
“We air now in favor uv a viggerus prosecushen uv the war,
and we want you to so alter yoor policy that we kin act with
you corjelly,” sez I.
“Say on,” sez he.
“I will. We don't want yoo to change yoor policy materially.
We are modrit. Anxshus to support yoo, we ask yoo to
adopt the follerin trifling changis:—
“Restore to us our habis corpusses, as good ez new. Arrest
no more men, wimmin, and children for opinyun's saik. Repele
the ojus confisticashen bill, wich irritaits the Suthern
mind and fires the Suthern hart. Do away with drafts and
conskripshens. Revoke the Emansipashen Proclamashen, and
give bonds that you'll never ishoo another. Do away with
treasury noats and sich, and pay nuthin but gold. Protect
our dawters from nigger equality. Disarm yoor nigger soljers,
and send back the niggers to their owners, to conciliate them.
Offer to assoom the war indetednis uv the South, and pledge
the guvernment to remoonerate our Suthern brethren for the
losses they hev sustaned in this onnatrel war. Call a convenshen
uv Suthern men and sech gileless Northern men ez F.
Peerce, J. Bookannun, Fernandywood, and myself, to agree
upon the terms uv reunion.”
“Is that all?” sez the goriller.
“No,” says I, promptly. “Ez a garantee uv good faith to
us, we shel insist that the best haff uv the orifises be given to
Dimekrats who repoodiate Vallandigum. Do this, Linkin, and
-- 095 --
[figure description] Page 095.[end figure description]
yoo throw lard ile on the troubled waters. Do this, and yoo
rally to yoor support thowsends uv noble Dimokrats who went
out uv offis with Bookannon, and hev bin gittin ther whisky on
tick ever sinse. We hev made sakrifises. We hev repoodiatid
Vallandigum, — we care not ef he rots in Canady; we are willin
to jine the war party, reservin to ourselvs the poor privilidge
uv dictatin how and on wat principles it shel be carried on.
Linkin! Goriller! Ape! I hev dun.”
The President replide that he would give the matter serious
considerashen. He wood menshen the idee uv resinin to
Seward, Chase, and Blair, and wood address a circular to the
postmasters, et settry, and see how menny uv um wood be
willin to resine to accommodait Dimekrats. He hed no dout
several wood do it to-wunst.
“Is ther any littel thing I kin do for you?”
“Nothin pertikler. I wood accept a small post-orifis, if
sitooatid within easy range uv a distilry. My politikle days is
well-nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in
the assendency; let these old eyes wunst more behold the
Constooshn ez it is, the Union ez it wuz, and the nigger ware
he ought to be, and I will rap the mantel uv privit life around
me, and go into delirum tremens happy. I hev no ambishen.
I am in the seer and yellow leef. These whitnin lox, them
sunken cheek, warn me that age and whisky hev done ther
perfeck work, and that I shel soon go hents. Linkin, scorn
not my words. I hev sed. Adoo.”
So sayin, I wavd my hand impressively, and walkd away.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 096 -- p635-107
XXXII. PREACHES.
Church uv St. —, }
November 15th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 096.[end figure description]
I preeched yisterday frum the follerin text: “What shel
we do to be saved?”
This, my brethrin, is a important inquiry. Speakin ez a
Dimekrat, who for thirty years hez never scratched a tikkit —
vewin things frum a Dimekratik stand-pint — I hev no hesitashen
in sayin that we need savin in a eminent degree. The
dark waives of fanatticism, wich wuz mere rippels in 1856,
were mountin-high in '60, and now they roll unchecked frum
Californy to Mane. One island is yet unsquelched. Noo
Jersey yet is troo to Dimokrasy — a oasis amid the sterile
desert, a green spot by the wayside, a beekon-lite to the
shipwreckd mariner, a whisky-jug in Maine. Thank hevin for
Noo Jersey — halleloogy! I am prowd to say that I, yoor
paster, wuz born in Noo Jersey; that my father sawd wood
for the President uv the Camden and Amboy, and my mother
wuz his washerwoman. Umble wuz our lot; but wat sez the
good book? “It is better to be a door-keeper at the house uv
Dimokrasy than a postmaster in the tents uv Ablishnism.”
But to resoom: —
Wat shel we do to be saved? This inquiry is uv pekoolyer
interest jest now. Let me ask, Why do we need savin?
Dimokrasy is the pure, refind salt uv the guverment — to
speek uv savin salt is a absurdity. Ah! my frends, wile
Dimokrasy savd the guverment, the guverment savd Dimokrasy.
It wuz a strikin illustrashen uv the eternal fitness uv
things. So long ez my venrable frend hed a post-orifis, he
wood be wuss than a loonatik ef he did not sustane the guverment
that give him the post-orifis. Every thing went on, so
long ez we hed the post-orifises. Wat we want just now is
votes; and how to get em is the question. Whisky used to
do it; but, alas! the amount uv whisky nessary to convert a
Ablishnist to Dimokrasy wood kill him afore he cood vote —
they not being seasond vessels.
-- 097 --
[figure description] Page 097.[end figure description]
We lost control, my brethren, by bein stubborn. O! let us
dodge that fatal errer. The last elecshen showd that we cood
not lead the people — let the people lead us. Ef the people
want war, let us be war men; ef they want peece, let
us sing hosanners to peece! Ef they want war in Ohio, let
Ohio Dimekrats be war men, and ef Noo York wants peece,
let em be peece men. Our platform is broad enuff to accommodate
all; and on the mane question, which is post-orifis, we
kin all agree — halleloogy!
Hevin settled the matter uv faith, we will considder that uv
works, for faith without works is uv no more use than a whiskypunch
without the whisky. Ther must be no draft — the
men must be razed by volunteerin. Exstrordinary indoosements
must be held out for Abolishnists to enlist; for evry
wun who goes, stands a lively chance uv troublin us no more.
We must hev our voters back frum Canady. My frends, ther
were enuff good Dimekrats in Canady to hev saved Ohio and
Noo York. They must be hum to-wunst. We need em.
We hev not suffishently improved the nigger — we neglected
him. Ther is two sides to the war question; but on nigger
we air invulnerable. Why? yoo ask. Becoz he has no frends.
The Abolishnists air afeerd to defend him, and by tacking uv
him to them, we hev wun many a fite. O, bless the Lord for
the nigger! He is our tower uv strength.
My brethrin, we hev a big job afore us. Let us dally no
longer. Think uv the consekences uv another defeet. Sech
uv our Dimekratik leeders ez did not git commishns in the
army air in a bad way. They can't git whisky on tick forever.
Sum uv em hev got so low ez to be obliged to drink
dilootid camfene, wich hez a bad effek upon the stumick. I
tried it wunst. They must be releevd. They must hev their
posishens and ther regler salaries, for without em ther stumicks
is gone. Brethrin, to the breech to-wunst.
My Church depuytized me to assertane the wherabouts uv
sum Dimekrat who hezn't exprest a opinyun since the war
commenst, and tender him the nominashen for the Presidensy.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 098 -- p635-109
XXXIII. SUBMITS A PLAN FOR THE SALVATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
Church uv St. —, }
December the 2d, 1863.
[figure description] Page 098.[end figure description]
I am not apt to change. Ez the Samist sez, “Wunst I wuz
yung, but now I am old;” but yung or old, it hez alluz bin
the same with me. Whisky strate hez bin my bevridge, and
Dimokrasy my tickit, wun and inseprable, and I hev stuck to
em with a fidelity ekaled by few and surpast by none. But
the time hez cum for a radical change, in order to save the
good old party I hev ornamented so long.
The rebelyun is played out. Our Suthern brethrin is gone
in. To use figgerativ langidge, wich will be understood in
the circles in wich I am accustomed to move, Linkin has made
four already, and holds high, low, and jack. So long as ther
wuz any chance for the 15 Dimekratik states to succeed, it
was natrel for us to help em, for we cood easy jine with em
agin; but ez they are past prayin for, wat is wisdom for us?
Clearly to help wipe em out. Why? In my skriptooral
reedin I wunst found a histry uv a steward who wuz about
losin his place. Like Hamlet, he soliloquizd: “Wat kin I do?
I can't work, I don't fancy beggin, and hev n't got the greenbax
to start a grocery.” (Groceries wuz cash in Judee.) A
lucky thot emerged frum his Websterian intellek. “I hev it,”
sez he to hisself. “I am yet steward. I will giv receets in
full to them ez owes my boss, and wen my day uv trouble
cums I'll board with em.”
The pint is plane. While in the service uv our Suthrin
masters we wuz rayther hard on our Afrikin brethrin. We
did beat em, and choak em, and did despitefully use em.
We can't count on the Sutherners no more — let us elevate the
nigger to the place his master okepide in the party. Like the
steward aforesed, let us do good to them we was wunst hard
on, that we may hev frends when we need em. Let that hory
old dotard, Tawny, be assassinated, and sum wun appinted in
-- 099 -- p635-110
[figure description] Page 099.[end figure description]
his place, that will reverse his decision, that they hedent eny
rites that wite men was bound to respeck; let Samcox and
Fernandywood interdoose bills abolishin slavery in the states,
and givin evry Afrikin brother a quarter secshun uv land,
a two-hoss team, a red bunnit with artifishel flowers on to it,
make em citizens, and then we'd get evry wun uv em.
This wood give us the fifteen Suthrin states as in the happy
days uv yore, and the 500,000 uv our cullered brethrin, now in
Canady, cood be brot back to the land uv their nativity, and
distributed thro Ohio and Noo York, so ez to redeem them
states frum the rule uv misgided Republikins. This plan is
fesible, and pekoolyerly adapted to the Dimekratik mind, wich
is flexible — very. Let it be adoptid, and wunst more will the
good old party repose under the shadder uv the Trezury
bildins; wunst agin will the chosen few dror regler salaries;
and the nashen flourish under the blessins we lost when
Bookannon, the gileless, retired to private life.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XXXIV. TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents }
(Lait St. Vallandigum), December the 11th, 1863.
Yisterday I heerd a Ablishnist remark, “The world moves.”
The observashen (wich I hev heerd frequently uv late) set me
into a trane uv refleckshen. My comprehensive mind sprang
back into the misty days uv the past, and I wuz a boy agin.
Twenty-six years ago I wuz a splittin my symetrikle throte a
hollerin for Van Booren. Them wuz the pammy days uv
Dimokrasy. Androo Jaxon hed left us his name ez capital for
us to do biznis on wile he wuz out uv the way, and coodent
interfere with our steelin, wich wuz comfortable. We wuz
beaten, but wuz still strong and viggerous, knowin that we
-- 100 --
[figure description] Page 100.[end figure description]
cood manage to live doorin Harrison's reign on wat we hed
stolen doorin Van Booren's, the facilites havin been unlimitid.
O, them times! Ther wuz Cass, and Davis, and Dickinson, and
Calhoon, and Tooms, and Bill Allen, and Duglis (who wuz jest
comin in), and Ritchy, and Benton, and Isaer Rynders, and
Wise, and Yankee Sullivan — a gloreous galaxy uv intellectooal
and muskuler Dimokrasy, sech ez the world never seed
afore, and never will agin. Wuz Abolishnism tolratid in them
happy daze? Not enny. O, with what ardor Lovejoy wuz
shot at Alton! How viggerusly the Dimokrasy laberd to throw
his press into the turbid waters uv the Missisipi! Wood, O
wood that we cood hev sunk his doctrines with his press!
Did we allow Abolishn talk? Nary. These stalwart arm hev
hurled baskitfuls uv unsavry eggs at the pedlers uv polittikle
heresy, and my skill in eggin Abolishn lecturers wunst made
me justis uv the peese in my native township.
In the South, every hill-side wuz dottid with the carcasses
uv Noo Ingland skoolmarms, who, hevin bin suspected uv
teechin niggers to rede, wuz justly hung; and the pleasant
crack uv the whip wuz heard all over the land. O, them
Arcadian days, wen it only took 20 minits to arrest, try, sentence,
hang, and divide the close uv a Yankee skool-teacher!
But, alas! heresies crep into our ranks, and ther wuz confooshun.
Van Booren bolted and beat Cass; and, notwithstandin
he repentid afterwards, the Abolishn pizon he interdoost
into the Dimekratik body pollytik, remaned. It broke
out in ugly sores in Ohio in 1848, in the shape uv the feendish
Free-sile party. Then Chase and Brinkerhoff sluffed orf, and
jind with our anshent enemies. Jest afterward the AntiNebrasky
excitement, cuppled with No-nothinism, whaled us,
and it wuz only by sooperhooman eggsershens that we electid
Bookannon. Since, it hez bin nothin but disaster. Bookannon
and Duglis got by the ears; Duglis refoosed to cave to his
Suthrin brethrin; Linkin wuz electid; war ensood; and now
wat do these old eyes behold? Cass, and Ben Butler, and
Logan, and Dix, and Dickinson, and Dave Tod, strikin hands
with Josh Giddins and Horris Greely! It is a singular fact
that every leader we used to trust is now agin us. And wuss.
Abolishn papers is bein publisht in South Karliny, in Tennisee,
-- 101 -- p635-112
[figure description] Page 101.[end figure description]
Kentucky, and Loozeaner, and a million uv men, led by the
ghosts and ghostesses uv them hung schoolmasters and schoolmarms
aforesaid, assisted by John Brown's soul, wich is
litterally a marchin on, is enforcin a proclamashen freein all
the niggers at wun stroke, and the Dimokrasy, bein sum
hundreds uv thowsands in the minority, is powerless to
prevent it.
Trooly, the world moves. It hez moved the Dimokrasy
from the pedestal uv power it wunst okepide, and laid it
prostrate. It hez elevatid men we despised, and adoptid idees
we scoft at.
Yunger men may shift and git into the tide agin, but ez
for me, I cant. I shel make wun more effort, and if we fail —
why, then, I shel withdraw from public life, and start a grocery,
and in that umble callin will flote peecefully down the stream
uv time, until my weather-beten bark strikes on the rocks of
death, gittin my licker in the meantime (uv wich I consume
many) at wholesale prices.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XXXV. COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents }
(Lait St. Vallandigum), December the 19th, 1863.
I hev bin for many years disposed to bleeve in speritooalism.
Ther is suthin pleasant in the idee uv bein in communicashen
with them ez hev gone before, as it may be reznably supozed
that frum their stan-pint they kin see things in a more clearer
lite than we who is encumbered with clay. Akordingly, I
invited a distingisht mejum to visit my flock. * * *
A circle wuz formed, and I wuz requestid to call for the sperit
uv sum wun. Havin a few Abolishnists present, whom I wisht
to enliten on politikle topics, I called for Thomas Jefferson.
-- 102 -- p635-113
[figure description] Page 102.[end figure description]
“Thomas,” sez I, “wuz yoo the father uv Dimokrasy?”
(I use my own language, ez them old fellers wuz not alluz
elegant.)
“I wuz.”
“Thomas, are the party now barin the name yoor child?”
“Not any. It's a mizable bastard, born uv John C. Calhoon,
and that old hag, State-Rites, and a low-lived whelp it is. My
heirs is them ez supports the guverment I helpt to make.”
“But, Thomas, wood yoo hev us support a Abolishn war for
the purpus uv freein niggers?”
The spirit rapt out with awful distinknis:
“We hold these trooths to be self-evident, that all men is
creatid ekal, and endoud with certing inalianable rites, among
wich is life, liberty —”
At this pint I stopt the mejum. I knew the sperit wuz not
Thomas Jefferson, but a imposter, hevin heerd a Abolishn
preecher use the same language at a 4th uv July celebrashen.
I then called Androo Jaxon, who respondid.
“Androo,” sez I, “woodent yoo like to be back on earth,
jist now?”
“Yoo kin bet I wood,” retortid he. “I'd like to hev bin
President in the place uv that old, white-livered, black-cockade
Fedralist, Bookannon. Wat a hangin ther wood hev bin!
Ther wood hev bin vacancies in Congris, and jest es many
funerals ez ther wuz vacancies. As for South Carliny —”
The communicashen ceased, and I heerd a sound like the
grittin uv teeth. It resoomed:
“I'd string up Vallandigum, and Fernandywood, and Sammedary,
et settry. It wood be a bad old joke on them indivijuels
ef I hed control of the habis corpus; I'd —”
I refoozed to hear further. This sperit wuz, also, ondoubtedly
a imposter.
I called for Benton, who merely sed that Missoury wuz comin
to her senses in gittin rid uv slavery; and for Duglis, who
remarkt that he cood say uv the temple uv Dimokrasy ez the
Savior sed of the temple, “My house is cald a house of prayr,
but ye hev made it a den of theeves;” both of whom wuz
onquestionably imposters. Another sperit (probably of a
deceest Ablishnist) sed that Benedict Arnold and Judis
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-- 103 --
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Iscariot hadent bin on speekin terms for sum time, Iscariot
hevin called Arnold a copperhead. Arnold sed he'd never
stand that.
Duglis cum back, and sed he had jest wun word to say.
“The Dimekratik party wuz wunst grate, but it had got into
bad hands, and gone crazy as a drunken bed-bug. It needed
new managers — men uv suffishent sense and honesty to run
the party on old principles. In the old hands, it wuz a patriotic
party — a party that wuz alluz for the country. It whaled
the British in 1812, and afterwards nockt the hind sites off uv
the old Fedral party for opposin it. It smasht Mexico, and
afterwards smasht the Whig party for not helpin. Now, for
the Dimokrasy to oppose a war agin rebels who not only
commenst it, but hed actooally bustid the party itself, is loonacy
unekaled in the history uv the world. Squelch them tuppenny
pollytishns who hev thieved the mantels wunst worn by Jaxon
and Benton (they look in em jest about as well as a orgin
grinder's monky wood in a soljer's overcoat, and fill em jest as
much), get on to a war platform, and —”
I didn't care about persooin my investigashens enny further,
pertikelerly ez the Abolishnists wuz all a snickrin. It's my
privit opinion that ther's nothin reliable about it. Hed the
sperits bin reely them uv Jefferson, Jaxon, and sich, they
woodent hev talkt so much undilootid niggerism. However,
it did me very well. The mejum took up a colleckshun uv six
dollars, wich, by a singler coincidence, was the eggsact amount
I hed intendid to charge him for the use uv my church. He
grumbled, but finally sheld out. I am now warin a new pare
uv pants.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 104 -- p635-117
XXXVI. TRIES AN EXPERIMENT.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents }
(Lait St. Vallandigum), December the 25th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 104.[end figure description]
Mankind is the most perverse and onrezonable beins uv the
human family. Wile they assent to a principle, they never will
put it into practis, ef it bares hard onto em ez indivijuels;
to-wit:—
I had bin for sevral weeks deliverin a course uv lekters on
the divinity uv slavery. I argood that the institooshun wuz
based upon the infeeriority uv wun man to another; that it
wuz not only a wise but a beautiful pervision uv nacher that the
strong shood hev charge uv the week, a guidin and protektin
and a workin uv them. The idee pleased my congregashun
vastly, and fifteen or twenty uv the strongest perposed that it
shood be put into practis, jest to show the world that the grate
doctrine cood be carried out jest as well in the North as in the
South; to wich I assented to-wunst, and at the next biznis
meetin, the follerin plan wuz adoptid: The members uv the
congregashun shood try ther strength, and them ez cood lift
600 lbs. shood own and possess, in fee-simple, all them ez
coodent.
The trial wuz hed, the divishen made, and I wuz happy at
bein the umble instrooment uv plantin the grate institooshen
on Northrin sile.
But, alas! owin to the perversity uv the human mind aforesaid,
it dident work. Old John Podhammer raised his 600 with
the gratest ease, wile Bill Sniffles, who wuz a workin for him
for $12 a month, coodent fetch it. Podhammer went over to
Bill's cabin the next mornin, and sez he:—
“Wilyum, from this time hentzforth and furever, yoo air my
man. As all a slave hez is his masters, the $18 I owe yoo, or
that I did owe yoo afore this blessid system wuz establisht, I
shel keep, and as yoo hev more furnitoor than befits yoor lowly
-- 105 --
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condishen, I will send a team over to-morrer, and take yer
beauro and stand and bedstids up to my house; and—”
At this junctur in comes Mrs. Sniffles, who kin lift 600 lbs.,
with old Podhammer on the top uv it, and it wuz no time afore
she diskivered what his biznis wuz. She turned red in the
face. Said she,—
“Yoor goin to take my furnitoor?”
“Certingly.”
“And we air your slaves?”
“Uv course.”
“And yoo can sell my children?”
“Naterally.”
“And yoo kin make me yoor conkebine?”
“Ef I wish.”
“Yoo old beast!” shreekt the infooriated female chattel, forgettin
her normal condishun. “Yoo sell my babies! Yoo take
my furnitoor! Drat ye, I'll give ye sum uv it now!” whereupon
she hurled a chare, wich laid him prostrait on the floor,
when she pickt him up, and flung him out the door.
It did not end here. Podhammer hed in his hand a patchwork
coverlid, wich he thot he wood take with him, and when
he cum to, he walked off with it, whereupon Mrs. Sniffles hed
him took up on a charge uv steelin, and he was actooally tried,
found guilty, and sent to jail for thirty days. How kin we
establish Dimekratik institooshens when the courts won't recognize
the laws of nacher?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Pastor uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 106 -- p635-119
XXXVII. ESTABLISHES AFRICAN SLAVERY.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents }
(Lait St. Vallandigum), January the 16th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 106.[end figure description]
Trouble are comin upon me thicker and faster. “Men
change, but principles, never,” hez bin a motto uv mine for
years, and bleevin in the grate principle of the strong owning
the weak — or, in other words, slavery — I shel never cease
my efforts to make it universal. Ther bein a onreasonable
prejudice in the minds uv the weak uv my congregashen aginst
bein the perpetooal servance uv them as nacher hez made to
rool, I called a special meetin of my flock, to consider the
matter. I interdoost it thus:—
By Hager, I proved that slavery was scriptooral.
By “cussid be Kanan,” et settry, I shode concloosively that
the nigger wuz the identikle indivijjle who wuz to be the sed
slave aforesed.
Then it wuz put to vote, and it wuz unanimusly resolvd,
that Afriken slavery be interdoost amongst us. I notist, with
pleasure, that the poorer the indivijjle, the more anxshus he
seemed to own a nigger.
Opinions were then interchanged. Absolum Kitt, who is a
carpenter, and who never saved a dollar, hevin alluz hed a sick
wife and a large family of children, sed he felt that a grate
work hed bin dun that nite. The prowd Anglo-Saxun, whom
nacher intended to rool, hed bin that nite elevatid to his
normal speer. Hentzforth ther wuz no more labor for him.
He hed a contrak to bild a house for brother Podhammer, and
he hed no doubt that the brethrin who wuz blest with means,
wood make up a puss, and enable him to buy a nigger carpenter
to do his work.
Brother Podhammer aroze. He, uv coarse, wood be glad to
assist brother Kitt, but dooty to his own family required a
different line uv action. His idee wuz to purchis a nigger
carpenter hisself, and—
“WHAT!” exclaimed Kitt.
-- 107 --
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Brother Podhammer resoomd. He intended to buy a nigger
carpenter hisself, and bild his house. The cheef beauty uv
the grate system, and the wun that makes it altogether luvly,
is, that yoo kin BUY yoor labor.
“But,” sed Kitt, “what kin I do if yoo work nigger
carpenters?”
“Trooly,” sez Podhammer, “I know not. A carpenter kin
be purchist for $1000, the interest uv wich is $60, and his
keepin, say $100 more, per annum. Now, ef Brother Kitt will
cum to them wages, and be modritly umble, I mite, for his
sake, forego the exquisit pleasure uv hevin a nigger to flog,
and still employ him.”
“But,” sez Kitt, turnin pale, “my family wood starve on
them wages. Why, I mite ez well be a nigger myself.”
At this pint I lifted up my voice. I exorted Brother Kitt to
patience. The grate Dimekratik idee, that capital shood own
labor, must be establisht. It may bare hard upon indivijjles,
but wat then? John Rogers went camly to the stake for
principle. Ef Brother Kitt doth not like to accept his normal
condishen to-wunst, he kin go to sum less favored country,
wher the grate instooshon is not establisht.
Brother Podger, a blacksmith, sed he supposed the rich uns
wood buy a nigger blacksmith, and let him emigrate. Brother
Snipes, a plasterer, made a similar observashen. Brother Punt,
a bricklayer, remarkt likewise.
Whereupon they all, in chorus, similarly exclaimed they'd
see us d—d fust, and then they woodent.
Whereupon they reconsidered the resolushen establishin
slavery.
Kitt and his herritix wuz not at church last Sundy, and the
postmaster told me that they hed sent off a club for the Anti-Slavery
Standard.
Trooly, a reformer's Jordan is a hard road to travel I
beleeve.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 108 -- p635-121
XXXVIII. OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF A MILITARY MAN.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents }
(Lait St. Vallandigum), January the 21st, 1864.
[figure description] Page 108.[end figure description]
I notice in the Dimekratik papers a desire to make General
Micklellan or General Grant our nominee for the Presidency.
Sooisidel ijee! I pertest!
Time hezn't tetched my flowin locks with frost, and furrowd
my massive brow for nothin. Peopil hev sumtimes doubted
my honesty, but my talence, never. I don't alluz pay, but I
never failed in borrerin — wich is useful. Therefore I throw
myself into the breech, and demand a hearin.
I am inflexibly opposed to Micklellan's nominashen. I hev
faith in the soundnis uv his Dimokrasy, but none watever in his
ability. Look at it. He wuz placed in a posishen to help the
Dimokrasy, but instid, he (by weaknis) well nigh rooind it. He
hed under his control 180,000 Abolishnists. A man uv genius
wood hev destroyed em all, whareas he only sunk about the half,
leavin the rest to live and vote agin us. A nominee uv the
Dimokrasy must be a man able to control other men. Is he
sich? Not any. Did he not let that born devil, Hooker, and
Kerny, and Mansfeeld (who wuz killed, halleloogy!) brake
away and fite our Suthrin brethren at Anteetum and elsewher,
killin jest ez many Suthern Dimekrats ez wuz killed uv the
Ablishnists? Troo, he stopt it ez soon ez he cood. Troo, him
and Fitsjon Porter laid out Pope, and kep him from beetin our
Suthern frends. Troo, he did Linkin ez much hurt, and Davis
ez much good, ez wuz in him; but the work he mite hev dun
wuz only half dun. His ijee wuz not our ijee. His stratejy
wuz to shashay backerds and forerds, until both sides wuz
eggsaustid, and then patch up a compermise. We wantid
Linkin histid to wunts; and hed ther been a proper understandin
atwixt him and Lee, Jefferson Davis mite hev bin in
the White House, and we, the pure Dimokrasy, mite not only
hev hed the post-orifises, but hev bin a revelin on the confisticatid
estaits uv Abolishnists, wich wood hev bin constooshnel.
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I hed my egle eye fixt on a sheep-farm uv 360 akers; but, alas!
I got it not. Then the iron entered my sole! Then I cust
the imbecility uv the man who swindled me out uv the farm I
longed for. I'll none uv him. Avant!
Ez for Grant, my sole rekoils with horror at the bare ijee.
Wat! nominate a man whose willin sord drips with the gory
life-blud uv unwillin Dimekratik saints! Never! Forbid it,
hevin! Marry the gentle virgin Peace to a soljer drenchd in
goar! I, Nasby, forbid the bans!
The trooth is, we air gittin wild. A man can't look two
ways without doin violence to his organs uv vishen. Ef persistid
in, he'd bekum cross-eyed. We commenst with our
faces southward. Ther our hope lies. Let us keep our eyes
that way. Ef we nominate a war man, and turn a back
spring onto a war platform, wat better air we than the Gentiles?
Sech jimnastics are purty to see, but they rench the
jimnastist.
No! let us go on ez we begun. Ez peace men, our case is
not hopeless. The new and unconstooshnel tax onto whisky
keeps the orthodox Dimokrasy strate (tho at our expense), and
a lucky Confedrit victry in the spring wood turn the week-kneed
war men into peace howlers. Good hevins! air we
insane? Shel we throw away sech weapins ez taxis, conscripshen,
nigger, free speech, et settry, and bow the knee to
Linkin? Never!
Wat we want is these:
1. A peace man for a candidait.
2. More marters. Ef the outrajed Vallandigum, and Jessee
Brite, and George E. Pugh wood, for the good uv the party,
consent to be driven to desprashen by the tyranny uv the
Administrashen, and commit sooicide, it wood be a trump card
for us. What movin appeals we cood make over ther dead
bodies. I'll rite to em on the subgik.
3. The formashen uv Aid Societis to defray the expensis uv
the campane, wich will be enormus, owin to the tax on
whisky.
4. Confedrit victrys, and lots uv em, wich not only kills off
Ablishn voters, but disheartens the war men north.
-- 110 -- p635-123
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5. The libral preechin uv a pure gospil, untaintid with
Ablishnism.
With these we kin win ez easy ez I used to turn jack from
the bottom, wen I wuz in a state uv unregenerashen.
A peace Dimekrat for President! O, happy thot! The forrin
mishns! The custom-houses! The post-orfises! In short,
the treasury! Let us be wise, and these is ourn.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XXXIX. TRIES TO AWAKEN AN INTEREST.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
February the 10th, 1864.
The old Dimokrasy hez lost its anshent sperit. I know not
why, but a gloomy forebodin ez to our fucher hez hed poseshun
uv my sole for sevral weeks past. I notist that the farmers
belongin to my flock wuz a savin up greenbax, and hed quit
callin uv em rags; many refoozd to contribbit to the Vallandigum
Fund, and the collecshun for the benefit uv the Confedrit
prizners at Johnson's Island wuz a total failure, in consekens
uv wich I am doin without a overkote this cold weather, wich
is unclerikle. And wuss than this — I hev heard, recently,
members uv the congregashun discussin the skarsity uv labor,
and I actooally heard wun uv em dam Jeff Davis instid uv
Linkin! I felt that suthin must be dun, and I set about to
do it.
I hed been preachin considable on the subgik uv a nigger
imigrashen, and ez the dislike uv nigger is chronic in the
Dimekratik mind, I thot I wood stir em up with the nigger
wunst more. So I blacked myself all over, and puttin on a
soot uv old close, I startid out afore daylite, pintin for Square
Gavitt's, who alluz wuz a invetrit hater uv the nigger. The
old man saw me a comin, and I spectid nothin less than a
-- 111 --
[figure description] Page 111.[end figure description]
bullet thro me; but for the grate cause, I hed determined to risk
even that. But, to my horror, the Square sed “Good mornin,”
and askt wher I wuz from. I told him I wuz a runaway slave
from Virginny; that 32,000 startid the same day I did; and
that the rest wood be along in a day or two. I spozd he wood
bile at this; but he didn't. He pulled from his breast-pockit
the familiar old bottle, and invited me to take hold, wich I did,
wondrin why he wuz so pleasent to a nigger. Alas for Dimokrasy!
I soon found out. HE WANTED TO HIRE ME to
work for him. Ez the words fell from his lips, I well nigh fainted;
but my consternashen wuz redoubled when he askt me if
I couldn't git him three or four more kulerd men! “Kulerd
MEN!” thot I, in agony. O, wat a softnin down from the
“Nigger” uv a year ago!
Sadly I retraced my steps. Washing off my disgise, I felt,
for the first time in my life, utterly and entirely retched. Wen
Dimekrats git to callin niggers “kulerd men,” and want em to
work beside em, and drink out uv the same bottle with em, wat
better air they than Ablishnists? The fucher uv the Dimokrasy
is, indeed, dark and gloomy. We can't move the peeple
ez we used to. They pay the taxis, and say they ain't so heavy
after all. They hev diskivered that guverment munny isn't
wuthless; they won't talk enny more about resistin the draft—
on the contrary, they are raisin money to send Dimekrats
into the army, wich alluz cums back rantin Ablishnists, a
knockin down peace men, and forcin em to take the oath.
Farmers endoor the high prices uv prodooce with a pashense
and ekanimity wonderful to behold. Yisterday Bill Sipes sold
his sorril mare for $150, and insistid on hevin his pay all in
greenbax. I warned Wilyum uv the risk he was runnin in
keepin so much uv that stuff, wen he impudently exclaimed,
“Stuff! hay! Old Nosey, that's playd out.”
“Old Nosey!” “Playd out!” This to his spiritooal father,
his paster, and guide! Whair air we driftin?
Wat we are to do to stem the tide that is settin agin us is
more than I know. A good, decisive, Confedrit victry wood
help us; but, alas! I see no probability uv that. It's too lait
to talk uv compermise, for there's hardly enuff left uv the
South to compermise with. I'm sick. I'm sorry I supported
-- 112 -- p635-125
[figure description] Page 112.[end figure description]
Vallandigum. I wish I had been a war man. My congregashen
is gittin lookwarm, and don't pay their quartrage reglar,
and the grocery-keepers are intimatin that before long I must
begin to pay for my licker! Wher will it end?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Pastor uv sed Church, in charge.
XL. RECOMMENDS UNANIMITY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
February the 19th, 1864.
*In my boyhood's days, wen life wuz all a dream, my buddin
genius wuz bein develupt a loggin with oxen. Wun team I
hed, wich got insane wun day, and instid uv pullin at the log,
ez well-regulatid oxen do, they histid theirselves around, facin
each other, and pulled until wun hed dislokatid his neck, and
the other I killed with a stun in a fit uv richus rage, and they
fed the ravens uv the valley, wich is figgerativ for the childern
uv the nigger farmer my father borrerd em uv. And here let
me say, that, for ginooine, scientific borrerin, the old man wuz
ekaled by few, and serpast by none. He borrerd a hoss uv a
doctor, in cholera time, wich wuz brillyant; but his shaydoover
wuz borrerin a new overkote uv a reddy-made clothing
man, whose name wuz Solomons. His last grate feat wuz borrerin
a hoss, late wun nite, for wich he wuz sent to the penitenshary,
bekoz he omitted hevin any conversashen with the
-- 113 --
[figure description] Page 113.[end figure description]
owner aforehand. These okkurd in Noo Gersy, and the owner
uv the property wuz a direkter in the Camden & Amboy, wich
is the only okashuns wher steelin is punisht in that state.
But to resoom:
The parable uv the oxen applies to the Dimokrasy with
great force. Like them, we hev faced about, and are pullin
aginst each other. Ez near ez I kin estimate it, the Dimekratik
body pollytik contanes eight distinct elements, to-wit:
1. Them ez would nominate Micklellan on a war platform.
2. Them ez would nominate Micklellan on a peace platform.
3. Them ez wood nominate Vallandigum on a peace platform.
4. Them ez wood nominate Vallandigum on a war platform.
5. Them ez wood favor the war of slavery cood be let alone.
6. Them ez air opposed to the war in any shape. 7. Them ez
is in Canady, in consekens uv drafts. 8. The betwixt and
betweeners, who are ashamd uv our party, and aint sootable
for any other. They are with Dimokrasy ez the Michigander
is with his itch — wood like to git rid uv it, but can't.
These classes is pullin and haulin agin each other, and instid
uv makin hed agin the common enemy, we air frittrin away
our strength and time, a settlin among ourselves as to wat we
bleeve. This is loonacy unekald. Troo, we hev been unfortnit
in our political speculashens. We made divers and sundry
ishoos, and hev bin beat on all uv em. We prophside concernin
the strength uv the Sowth, the wuthlesnis uv paper
money, the immigrashen uv niggers, gineral rooin, et settry;
but, alas! they all faild. It wuz up-hill biznis yellin “Nigger!”
“Nigger!” wen there wuz no nigger; it wuz hoomiliatin to
talk two hours a convincin peeple uv the wuthlesnis uv guvment
munny, and then see a Dimekrat sell a hoss, and rite
under yer nose refuse to take anything but greenbax for pay.
It wuz desprit hard work to talk uv ginral rooin, wen every
body hed a pocketful uv money, wich money wood pay dets.
These failures shood teech us wisdom. We shood decide
fust upon what to bleeve, and then we must all bleeve it, and
go to work to inockelate the people. It makes nary difference
to me wat creed we adopt; ez a Dimekrat, I kin go eny wun
uv the eight. Wat we want is votes; and wat difference duz
it make whether we git em by goin strate or by wobblin a
-- 114 -- p635-127
[figure description] Page 114.[end figure description]
trifle. Ther air many rodes to the post-orifises, but ef we
divide up and skatter our forces over all uv em, we shel be
beat in detale. We hev evry reason to be encouridgd. Davis
is strengthnin his armies, and wun victry won by him will lay
Ablishnism cold. Let us present a solid front to the foe, and
go in to win.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n18* The difficulties of the Democracy in 1864 are here delineated. The financial
administration of the government had been so skilfully conducted, and
the general prosperity of the country so manifest, that the Democracy had but
little material with which to create disaffection and distrust. The southern
armies were falling back — the leading cities of the rebellion were held by
northern troops, and above all, “it was desperate hard work to talk of general
ruin when every man had his pocket full of greenbacks, which would buy
property and pay debts.”
XLI. AGAIN REPUDIATES M'CLELLAN, AND GIVES REASONS THEREFOR.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
February the 29th, 1864.
The ijeotic ijee uv nominatin Micklellan apperes to be gainin
ground among the Dimokrasy. Whenever a party gits a goin
down hill, it seems ez ef double-distilled loonacy invariably
takes holt uv the engineers, instid uv the cool, calm wisdom
nessary to histe it back into ascendency.
I object to the nominashen uv Micklellan for these reasons:
1st. We can't win with him. Who's a goin to vote for him?
The old hard-headed peace man, who objeks to drafts, won't,
becoz, wile he wuz in command he laid, in the swamps uv the
Chickhominy, the foundashen for a purty heavy draft; besides,
he is still drawin pay ez a ginral in this unholy croosade.
The War Dimekrats won't, coz, ez a orfiser operatin agin the
South, he wuz not eggsactly a Napoleon. Indeed, a aggreeved
frend uv mine from Georgy likend him unto a kickin
shot-gun — dangerous only to them ez held it. He hasn't the
elements uv success in him, ez I kin see. He wuzn't born uv
poor but honest parence; he never druv horses on the canal;
he dident study rithmetic by the fire in a log-cabin; neether
did he walk barefoot, in the dead uv winter, thirteen miles, to
beg a Congressman to git him into West Pint. There's no
precedent for his nominashen. My second reason is:
-- 115 --
[figure description] Page 115.[end figure description]
2d. Ef electid, he woodent be uv any yoose to me and sich
ez I am.
Let any Dimekrat who hez bin waitin for offis four weary
yeres, look at this. Who is his frends — his neerest? Wy,
Fitsjon Porter and that clan. I waz a thinkin uv it over, and
I bleev it'll do ez a rool, that the court-marsheld and dismist
orfisers are all Micklellan men; and, wen I kum to think uv it,
I never knew a deserter that wuzn't. Uv course he'd hev to
pervide for em, and wher'd be our chance? Wy, ther's enuff
uv these to fill all the orfises, from Secertary uv State down to
the umblest post-orifis.
Agin: Spose that, ez soon ez he's electid, he shood conclood
not to hev peace, and shood undertake to finish the war hisself.
It wood be jest like him, coz he reely hez a ijee that he's a
gineral. Then the sponsibility uv his doins wood rest with
the Dimokrasy, wich Hevin forbid. To think uv us bein sponsible
for a Peninsooler campane! Uv course, the Dimokrasy
wood then hev to volunteer. Think uv his leavin a hundred
and twenty thousend ded Dimekrats atwixt Washinton and
Richmond! He wuz all well enuff wen the men to be left
with ther toes up wuz Ablishnists. It wood be sooiside on an
onparalleld scale to trust him with that many Dimekrats.
Agin I say, Heavin forbid!
We want a peace man. There's no room for us anywheres
else; neether kin we face two ways. I wunst attendid a cirkus,
and beheld with astonishment the trooly grate feets uv
hossmanship and sich. Wun rider, who wuz also the moral
and instructive injy-rubber man, wuz intoxicatid, and conseetid
he cood ride two hosses, each goin a diffrent way. Tyin his
feet to the spiritid steeds, he startid em; but, alars! in a second
he wuz ript in two pieces, and the arena wuz drencht
with his goar. Let us take warnin by his sad fate. Our hoss
is not a war-hoss — his naim is Peace, and we must hev a man
upon whose garments ther is no smell uv blood. The gentle
Brite, the grate Vallandigum, the akoot Fernandywood, the
elegant Samcox, any wun uv that pecoolyer stripe will do us,
and give us ground to go on.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 116 -- p635-129
XLII. ORDAINS A MISSIONARY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
March the 17th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 116.[end figure description]
Last Sunday we hed an improvin season. Robert Tooms
Punt, who hez bin a studyin for the ministry with me for the
past four weeks, wuz licenst and ordained. He is a youth uv
much promise. He votid twict for Bookannon, and only 18
yeres old, swarin his votes in with a coolnis and ease that
eggscitid the admirashen uv the patriarks at the biznis. I kin
safely say that he hez whaled more Ablishnists, bustid more
Methodist Brethrin, and other hetrodox Churches, than any
Dimekrat uv his age in the Stait. He hez a brilliant future.
After the usual questions wuz put to him, and satisfactorily
anserred, the congregashen wuz dismist, and, in the presence
uv the elders and deacons alone, I delivered the follerin
charge.
Brother: Hevin bin reglerly ordained, it only remains for
me to give yoo a word uv council. Yoo are a goin into the
apossel biznis at a rather unfavorable time. Man, wich is born
uv woman, hez trouble for his inheritance. I've hed so much
uv it that, ef I hed it to do over agin, I woodent be born
at all.
The politikle heavins is orecast with portenshus clouds.
The litenin uv wrath is leapin frum wun to another, whilst the
thunder, wich wuz wunst at a distance, now roars angrily in
our ears. The ole ship Dimokrasy is tossin madly onto the
wild waves, with nary a sale set, her seams open, the water
(a furrin element to her insides) a rushin in. The stiddiest
part uv her crew hev seezed the boats and abandoned her, and
the rest uv em are a fitin for the helm.
In the mean time the old ship is dashin past the haven uv
Success, and is headin strate for the rocks uv Destrucshen.
To yoo is intrusted a part uv the work uv savin her. Let me
entreat yoo —
1. Avoid the soljers. With them yoo hev nothin in common.
-- 117 --
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They will despitefully use yoo. Wunst a party uv em made
me drink a pint uv water and take the oath uv allegianse,
wich outrages wuz follered by conjestion uv the bowils and
inflamashen uv the brain.
2. Alluz preech agin the nigger. It's soothin to a ginooine,
constooshnel, suthern-rites Dimekrat to be constantly told that
ther is a race uv men meaner than he is. Besides, it's safe —
the nigger hez no vote. Ef he hed, we might vary.
3. Alluz hev a marter. The stait-rites Dimokrasy alluz
sympathize with a man that's in basteels for sympathisin with
the South, for nun uv em know how soon their turn may
come.
4. Preech agin amalgamashen at leest four Sundays per
month. A man uv straw that yoo set up yerself is the easiest
knockt down, pertikelerly if yoo set him up with a view uv
knockin uv him down.
5. Alluz diloot yoor whisky for new converts. It takes much
to convert a Ablishnist, and ef yoo use the pure artikle, it
wood kill a ordnary constooshn afore he'd hev time to vote,
wich wood be aggervatin.
6. Sarch the skripters faithfully for sich passages ez “Cussid
be Kanan,” “Servance, obey yoor masters,” and sich.
7. Learn to read, or at least git the shape uv the letters so
fixt in yoor mind that when yoo quote from a book or noosepaper,
you will hold it rite side up. Eddicashen hez bin a
grate help to me.
8. Learn to spell and pronounce Missenegenegenashun. It's
a good word.
The great leadin ijees uv our sect, wich it is yoor dooty to
inculcate, is these: The nigger's a ape, Linkin a goriller, Jeff
Davis a chrischen gentleman, the rebellion a struggle for rites,
the soljer a bluddy tool, Benbutler a beast, et settry. Yoo are
never to bleeve in Fedral victorys, but must alluz credit
Confedrit successes. I woodent advise yoo to let yoor faith in
the Confedrisy go so fur as to take their skrip on yer salary,
neither wood I burn greenbax. I hev dun. Go, my brother.
Let yer polar star be Dimokrasy, yer rallyin cry, “The
Yoonyun ez it wuz — the Constooshn ez it is,” wich is latitoodinus;
fite the good fite, and the day will cum wen yoo kin lay
-- 118 -- p635-131
[figure description] Page 118.[end figure description]
orf yer armor, and with “P. M.” after yoor name, enjoy the
repose that alluz follows well-directid and viggerus effort.
Brother Punt startid to-day for Suthern Illinoy, wher he hez
a congregashen.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XLIII. GIVES THANKS.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
May the 4th, 1864.
To the Fatheful: The recent victrys acheevd by our
frends in the South is worthy uv speshel thanksgivin. I
therefore direct that the follerin sam shel be chantid in evry
church on the last Sundy in May:
A SAM UV PRAISE!
I wuz cast down and trodden under foot.
Becoz the wicked wuz exalted, and the saints wuz umbled.
Becoz the people worshipt Linkin and spat upon Vallandigum;
becoz they trustid Chase, and woodent hev nothin to do with
Fernandywood at no price.
Becoz the hosts uv Linkin prevailed over the hosts uv Jeff.
Therefore my mind wuz troubled, and my sole wuz constipated.
And I cast ashes upon my head, and bewailed, sayin:
Wo is me.
Linkin will agin sit in high places — him and his servance —
and we shel hunt our holes.
Ther shel be uv apointments and places uv profit a thousand
and ten-skore, but for us nary wun.
Our enemies shel hev post-orifises and shel be clothed in
goodly raiment, while we shel hev to dig or beg.
-- 119 --
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Our food shel be sorrer, and our whisky shel be made weak
with our own tears.
Thus wept we.
But our sorrer wuz turnd to joy and our wailings to gladnis.
For Forrest hath smote the niggers at Fort Pillow, and spared
not one.
And Dick Taylor hez whipt Banks at Red River.
And Hoke hez tooken Plymouth, and slayed the defenders
thereof.
And Lee, him who aforetime spiled Micklellan, and Burnside,
and Hooker, shel chaw up Grant; yea, he will bust him.
And he shel take Washinton; and Linkin, and Chase, and
Seward shel be hung upon a gallus forty kubits.
Then shel the faithful hev ther rewards, and be happy for
keeps.
For niggers shel be plenty, and evry wun shel hev uv them
men-servants and maid-servants, and home-made servants, and
conkebines.
And the rivers shel be whisky, and the banks thereof sugar,
and the faithful shel drink their fill.
And I shel borrer no more; for, lo! I shel revel upon the
spoils uv the Abolish.
And my nose shel shine ez the fire, and my face shel glisten
with fatnis.
Sing a new song, O my people, for uv late did ye sing small!
Make a joyful noise, for yer enemies shel be put under yer
feet, and you shel hev post-orifises.
Note to the Pastors. — Ef Grant whips Lee, make a fast
uv the day, and omit the last half uv the sam.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 120 -- p635-133
XLIV. WAILETH.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
May the 16th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 120.[end figure description]
To the Churches: A calamity hez befallen us! Lee is
whaled. This afflicshun hez bin sent for sum good purpus.
We hev not bin faithful, and hev bin chastized. O, how we
must hev neglectid our dooties, to hev brot this upon us! Hev
we resistid drafts ez we shood? Hev we bin instant, in season
and out uv season, in killin niggers? Hev we used doo diligense
in mobbin hetrodox Churches? For these and other
short-comins we are now payin. The follerin sam uv hoomiliashen
will be chantid on the second Sunday uv Joon, in all the
Churches in my diocese:—
A WALE!
Lift up yer voices mournfly, O my people!
Howl, O ye saints! howl like unto the hungry wolf and the
disapinted jackal.
Cry out like wun who hath a great pain — like him who suffreth
with belly-ake.
Cast ashes upon yer head, O Fernandywood, and clothe yerself
in sack-cloth.
Hev another colleckshun taken up, O Vallandigum, and pay
yer board a year or two in advance, for yer exel is lengthened.
Weep and wale, and gnash yer teeth, O Dimokrasy, for yoo
hev bin measured, and yer coffin ordered, and the day uv yer
funeral apinted; and lo! the corpse will be ready.
For the biter hez bin bit; yea, the strong man hez bin overcome.
Grant, who wuz to hev bin whipt, wuz not whipt; on the
contrary, quite the reverse.
And Lee, him we sot our harts upon, hez bin beaten, and
grate hez bin the slawter uv his host.
And Beast Butler will take Richmond, and will not be hangd,
ez we prayd.
-- 121 --
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And the Confedracy will be strangled, and Linkin will be
President, and the offisis will be lost to us forever and forever.
Uv wat avale to us wuz Fort Piller, or Plymouth, or Red
River? Lo! they were but flea-bites on the back uv a giant.
For in Virginny hev we bin chawed up egrejis.
And our week-kneed wuns, them ez wantid peace last month,
hev become blud-thirsty, and hooror for Linkin.
Wale, ye saints!
For we hev chained ourselves to a corpse, and the corpse
stinketh.
Die, O Micklellan, for yoo woodent sell at the rate uv a dollar
a dozen, ef playd-out genrals wuz in demand.
Thou, too, O Vallandigum, for yer marterdum woodent win.
Steel viggerusly, O Fernandywood, for it's yer last chance.
For wen the grate South fiddled did we not alluz dance?
and now that she dieth, shall we not go and do likewise?
† Petroleum.
I am well-nigh distractid! For forty years the Dimekratik
party hez bin to me, literally, vittles and drink. For forty
years hez it bin my pleasin and profitable dooty to lead a Dimekratik
flock, livin luxuriusly off uv the sheerins. My dream is
ore. In a few short months there won't be no Dimokrasy, and
wat then? I ain't adaptid to no other party. Wunst I undertook
to pass myself off ez a Republikin, at wun uv ther convenshuns.
“My jentle frend,” did wun uv them remark, scanning my
gigantik nose, wich is the beauty and glory uv my face, “my
jentle frend, art thou wun uv us?”
“Verily am I,” sez I.
“Well,” sez he, looking at my nose agin, “ef yoo wuz in my
township, and wantid to act with us, I shood require bonds.”
I mite start a grocery, but ef the Dimekratik party expires,
wat'll that biznis be worth?
In my old age am I bereeved.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 122 -- p635-135
XLV. FREMONT'S NOMINATION.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
June the 2d, 1864.
[figure description] Page 122.[end figure description]
*Halleloogy!
Now is the winter uv our discontent made glorious summer.
The clouds that o'ercast our politicle horizon is broke, and rays
from the sun uv success hev pierced em, gildin the noses uv
the faithful with a radiance that whisky cannot give.
Honey hez cum out uv a carkis — good hez perceeded from
Nazzareth. The Radikels hev nominated Fremont! Halleloogy!
They did it at Cleveland.
I never votid for Fremont. In '56 I didn't like him — in
fact, I aboosed him. I laft at him for partin his hair in the
middle; I accoosed him uv being a Catholic, and uv stealin cattle
from the guverment. Wen Linkin appinted him genral, I
aboosed him agin, and more than ever wen he ishood his Emansipashen
Proclamashen.
But now I diskiver that I hev did him a grievous wrong.
The most becomin way a man kin part his hair is in the middle;
the steelin uv cattle from guverment is a act that no man
who supported Bookannon can condemn, and his Abolishnism —
why, he's to be pitied for that.
Uv course no Dimekrat can vote for him, for there is a triflin
difference in our principles; yet about a half uv the Abolishn
party ought to do it by all means. John C. is the man for
them, ondoubtedly.
But whether he gets many votes or few, his bein nominated
is salvashen to us. Every vote he gits Linkin won't git, and
then what —
-- 123 -- p635-136
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The bare thot almost overpowers me. We kin elect a
Dimekrat!
This movement puts a new face upon affairs. We needn't
be pertikelerly anxshus any more for Lee's success; in fact, I
bleeve it wood be better for us to hev Grant whip Lee and
take Richmond. For why? Becoz. Spozn about the time
the Confederasy is playd out we elect a Dimekrat, and spozn
that Dimekrat lets up on em, restores ther niggers, pardons
em, pays ther debts, compensates them ez hez sustained losses
in the war, and penshuns ther widders, woodent they let us
hev the heft uv the orfisis awhile? Uv course they wood.
I segest that the committies who are takin up colleckshuns
for Vallandigum send the money forthwith to Fremont's
Execootive Committy. I shel take up a colleckshun in my
congregashen immediately for that purpose.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n19* This letter of rejoicing was called forth by the nomination of General John C.
Fremont for the Presidency, and General John Cochrane, of New York, for the
Vice-Presidency, by a portion of the Republicans who were dissatisfied with
some acts of the Administration, such as the supercedure of Fremont, the removal
of General Butler from his command at New Orleans, &c. It is due to
General Fremont, however, that, in the most patriotic spirit, he withdrew his
name from the canvass at an early day, and heartily advocated Mr. Lincoln's
re-election.
XLVI. THE RETURN OF VALLANDIGHAM.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
June the 21st, 1864.
*Joy to the world — Vallandigum is come! The grate exile,
in defiance uv the edix uv a usurpin despot, hez returnd to
his native soil! Glory! My buzm swells with emoshun, and I
leap for joy. Welkum, Vallandigum!
-- 124 --
[figure description] Page 124.[end figure description]
Overjoyd ez I am, my sensashens are not all pleasurable.
The return uv the distingisht champion uv Suthrin rites is
sumwat embarrassin. The trooth is, Vallandigum wuz not jest
the man we wanted for a leeder. He hez tongue, without
discreshun, wich qualitis hez ruind many buddin geniuses.
Such men kin alluz succeed in kickin up a dust, but, forchunately,
they alluz git smothered in it. Vallandigum's weeknis
is — Vallandigum. Shet him up in a sekloodid spot, wher he
hed noboddy to blather to about hisself, and he'd expire in
disgust in a week. To resoom.
His return is unfortunit, becoz —
What will we do with him? Under his leadership, we wuz
bein redoost to a very small pint, so small indeed that we wuz
jest ready to bury. At this crisis, Linkin he ups and arrests
him. Wat a turn that wuz for us! It wuz a double-actin leever
that lifted us two ways, to-wit: we got shet uv Vallandigum,
who wuz a unmixt noosance here. It convertid a
noosance into a marter, wich wuz wat we wantid, and give us
ground to go on.
Vallandigum ort to hev bin more grateful than to hev bustid
this arrangement by comin back. Hed he stayd, a poor exile
on a furrin shore, a strainin uv his eyes to git even a faint
glimpse uv his native land, until the campane wuz two thirds
over, and then committed sooiside jest afore eleckshun, in a fit
uv temprary insanity brot on by greef, and sorrer, and wo, and
sich, it wood hev bin hunky. His funeral wood hev bin profitable
to us, for he is like the gentle hog, a heavy expense to his
owner wile livin, and uv no earthly profit to him till he dies.
Agin. Ther's no call for takin up colleckshuns any more for
his benefit, and — away goes the cheef inkum, not only uv
myself, but uv half the Dimokratik politishns uv the Stait. I
shel hev to deny myself uv all luxoories frum this time out.
Wat kin we do with him? He heznt the knack uv sayin
two things at wun say, and nuthin else will do us. Wen the
party wuz a settin its face mildly aginst slavery, to fool the
Free-silers, he wuz for eradikatin the evil. Now, wen we air
pintin mildly Southward, he's declarin for em openly, in his
usual loonatik stile.
To conklood. I love Vallandigum; but ef Linkin wood
-- 125 -- p635-138
[figure description] Page 125.[end figure description]
arrest him and immure him in the darkest dunjun in Fort Warin,
or hang him, or marter him in any manner, he wood trooly confer
a favor on the undersined, and the entire Dimekratik party.
Then wood we carry his deceest karkis thro the North, with
suthin to show on our chargis uv tyranny. But with Vallandigum
at liberty and in good health, the fust, last, and only victim
uv unconstooshnel usurpashen is gone, and with it our capital.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n20* About the time this letter is dated, Mr. Vallandigham, becoming weary of
playing the part of a martyr and exile, returned to his home in Ohio. If he
expected any attempt on the part of the government to make a hero of him
again by further attention, he was quite disappointed, for he has remained in
political obscurity ever since, notwithstanding very persistent attempts on his
part to assume prominence in the Democratic party. The government felt
that it had nothing to fear from him, and his former political friends felt that
his weight was greater than they could ever afford to carry. When abroad as
a suffering martyr in exile, he served a purpose, but his return was the last
thing they wished for.
XLVII. DEFINES HIS POSITION, AND APPEALS FOR AID.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
July the 3d, 1864.
*The Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran, and other hetrodox
Churches, are, to-day, the most hefty obstacles in the path uv
the Dimokrasy; and, to successfully opose em, I institootid
the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, uv wich I am paster uv
sed Church, in charge. Wat the Dimokrasy now want is
Church extension: hence this sppeal.
Dimokrasy is built upon the one ijee that the nigger is a
babboon. That's our corner-stun — knock it out, and the
entire fabric tumbles.
The hetrodox Churches insist that the nigger is human, and
that he hez a sole to saiv and fit it for the skies. This doctrin,
ef it pervales, knocks Dimokrasy higher than a kite. For
why? Bekause: ef the nigger's human, and not a beast,
wher's slavery? Ekko answers, No where. Because: the
commandment sez, “Thou shalt not steal,” et settry. Ef the
nigger's a man, we steal wen we take his labor. Ef he's a
beast, wy, then, we hev dominion over him, and may use him
ez we do the pashent ox. The pint is plane.
-- 126 --
[figure description] Page 126.[end figure description]
The Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, uv wich I am paster
uv sed Church, in charge, devotes its entire intellek to constrooin
the Skripters in accordence with the Dimekratik ijee.
Sum uv our brethren, who still hev Methodist and Presbyterin
sooperstishuns into em, appologize for their support uv
the grate instooshn, by insistin that they bring the Afrikin
over to this country for the purpose uv chrischenizin uv him.
Away with sich nonsence! I'll none uv it. Is it chrischenlike
to ceeze a man in his native land and bring him to a furrin
shore agin his will? Agin: Ef that's evangelikle, is it proper
to maik the forsibly evangelizd heathen work for his board and
wun soot uv cheap close, per annum, continooally bein perswadid
to renood effort by the cat-o'-nine tales? Ther is grate
gain in sich godlinis — at least 500 per cent. Most anybody
will go into the mishnary biznis on them terms. I, week ez I
am, kin bare sich a cross. Besides, wen yoo've got a cargo
convertid, why don't yoo send em back? Dost thou desire to
convert their children? O, mizable subterfuge! Ef the parience
wuz convertid, woodent the children be? Ef that's yer
ijee, what do ye sell em for? Hev yoo took a morgage onto
em for expenses incurd in bringin uv em here, and hev yoo the
power uv foreclosin?
Bosh! Ef they're human, they hev a warranty deed for
their bodies and soles, the same ez we hev. Hence, ez slavery
is nessary to the Dimekratik party, we must defend it on solid
ground.
Therefore my Church, uv wich I am sed paster, in charge,
strikes out boldly, and teaches that a nigger is a BABBOON —
a beast. Wen wild, he's anybody's property that capchers and
tames him; after wich, him and his young is abslootly his, to
do with as seemeth good in his site. (Blackstun.)
Troo, amalgamashen, wich alluz appears to be practist wher
the instooshn exists, is agin us, for wen a slave hez a man for a
father, he's only half babboon. But I never seed any Dimekratic
principle that hedn't a week pint in it.
We want money to establish our Church. We must send
mishnaries to Northrin Illinoy, to the Western Reserve, and to
Massachoositts. It takes money for our preachers to live now,
for whisky is 10 cents per drink, even in the most obskoor
doggerys. Men and brethrin, kum to our aid.
-- 127 -- p635-140
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We hev no lack uv labrers in this grate vinyard. Evry yere
the other Churches expel more or less uv their preachers, for
irregularitis in swappin hosses, and for extreme conviviality
and sich, who are willin to be reseevd into our buzm. They
are ready; all we want is means to set em aflote.
Remittencies uv 10 cents and upwards thankfly reseeved.
I'm President, Secretary, Treasurer, and Board uv Trustees
uv the Associashen. Remit librally and to-wunst. The high
character uv the offishary is suffishent garantee that the money
will be properly applied.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n21* The Democratic divines — there were but few of them — took, during the
first years of the war, precisely this ground in defence of the institution which
had been made the corner-stone of the party.
XLVIII. DECLARES FOR REPUDIATION AND UNION WITH THE SOUTH.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
July the 10th, 1864.
I hev made up my mind that the Southrin Confedrisy is a
success, and that my fondest hopes is about bein realizd. Troo,
the next blast that sweeps from the South may bring to our
ears the news uv Lee's defeat, but at present writin things is
favorable. Wat follers?
Its plane that the Dimokrasy kin never live in peace with
Noo England. We cood endoor it wen we hed the Suthrin
States to balence em at the poles, for whenever wun uv em
startid a noosepaper, or went a lecturin out West to spread Noo
England ijees, we suspendid the liberty uv the press and uv
speech, by hangin the lecturer and smashin the press, wich
is Dimokrasy.
The North-west must cut off from the East, with a view uv
jinin the Confedrisy. Uv course, that nashen woodent take us
with a debt on our shoulders, for they wood hev to repoodiate
it; and they are a gentlemanly style uv people, who won't do
-- 128 --
[figure description] Page 128.[end figure description]
a dirty thing ef they kin git sumbody else to do it for em, wich
they hev never failed to do, sence they bought us Dimekrats
up. Hence, they would require repoodiashen, wich we wood
do gladly and willinly, for these reasons, to-wit:—
1. It woodent tech many uv the faitheful, ez them holdin
greenbax and guverment bonds are almost excloosivly Ablishnists.
Therefore, it wood be a punishin uv our enemies.
2. Ez a rool, the Ablishnists wood leave the country in disgust,
wich is benefishl in two ways: givin the Dimokrasy a
clean sweep, and enablin evry indivijjle uv em to git wun uv
their farms — the only way we'll ever git em.
Then we'd hev slavery in the North-west. Eckstatic thot!
My heart dilates at the bare ijee! I, Nasby, who hez bin refoozd
credit for likker — whose throat hez bin parcht becoz
the dime wuz not — who hez bin obleeged to obtain his licker
to sustane eggistense by stratejy — Nasby, P. V., will hev a
plantashen and — Niggers! Won't I demonstrate the sooperiority
uv the Anglo-Sacksun over the Afrikin, by wallopin em!
Perhaps not! Won't I hev niggers for carpenters, and blacksmiths,
and bricklayers, and sich? Won't we clean out the
poor people, and establish a genooine aristocrisy — ownin labor
instid uv hirin it? Won't we, the sooperior class, dodge the
cuss uv labor — fillin our quota uv sed cuss by puttin in nigger
substitoots? Won't I spend my days a suckin cocktales
and my nites at poker, sellin a family every now and then to
keep up finances? That's happinis condenst — that's my ijee
uv a terresterial paradise.
Hasten thy work, O Lee! Make thyself strong, O Boregard!
Be wise and bold, O Johnson! Go forrerd in yer nigger-killin,
O Forist! and O, Davis! (Jefferson) may yoo manage the helm
ez well ez they execoot yer commands! These is my prayer!
For wun victry for Lee, and a short crop, addid to the taxis,
and the drafts, and sich, will turn enuff week Ablishnists into
peece men to bust Linkin, and elect a peace man. Then will I
assoom the speer in wich I am fittid to move.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 129 --
XLIX. SHOWS THAT A WAR PLATFORM WON'T DO FOR THE DEMOCRACY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
July the 17th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 129.[end figure description]
*It is probable, yes, I may say, tolable certain, that P. V.
Nasby, wich is preecher uv sed Church, in charge, may retire
from publick life shortly. Why? methinks I heer the entire
Dimekratik party, who hev long regarded me as a ornament to
my sex, and the wun altogether luvly, exclame. The why is
plane to a massive intellek, wich is me. The good old Dimekratik
party is on the strate road to destruction, and, to use a
railroad mettyfor, onless it is swicht off at Chicago, it's a goner,
and the more it succeeds at the November elecshun, the wus
is its goneniss!
“Singler!” exclames a patriotic and self-sacrificin Dimekrat,
who hez a post-orifis in his beemin eye— “singler that success
shood rooin us. Wy, that's wat we're goin for.”
Gently, my frend. Uv wat avail is it to elect a President
in sich a way ez to make it morally certin to be defeatid ever
after? Troo, we'd hev the post-orfisis; but with a Ablishin
Congris to watch us, wher'd be the chances uv stealin, nessary
to our support?
To eloocydait. The Dimokrasy hev postponed their convenshun
till it is ascertained how Lee vs. Grant comes out. Ef
Lee whales Grant — peace platform. Ef Grant whales Lee —
war platform. Now the chances air that Lee will be whipt, for
the tyrant Linkin hez a spite at that grate and good man.
Then we're a war party, and go into the campain on the corruptnis
uv the Administrashen, and beat em, and git the post-orifises.
Wat then? Wy this. The war is OUR war; the
taxis is OUR taxis; the drafts is OUR drafts, and WE wood
-- 130 -- p635-143
[figure description] Page 130.[end figure description]
hev the responsibility instid uv our enemies. Ez a matter uv
course, Dimekrats wood hev to do the volunteerin, for it wood
be their war, and the armies wood hev to be led by Dimekratik
ginerals. Good hevins! Imagine 500,000 Dimekrats under
sich ez Micklellan and Buel! Wat a redoosin uv majorities —
wat a waste uv votin stock ther wood be!
The troo polisy for us is peace. Ez a peace party, we are
certin uv gettin the support uv these classis, to-wit:—
The stingy cusses, who object to payin taxis.
The cowardly cusses, who are afraid uv bein drafted.
Every draft and every new tax adds to our ranks; so fast,
indeed, that ef we cood stop the Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran,
etc., revivals uv religion, and git whisky back to old
prices, so that we cood afford to use it profoosely, we cood be
in good shape next fall.
By bein a war party we lose all these people, and take them
out, and, in the name of Hevin, wat wood be left uv us!
Peace is our best and only holt, and, onless the party takes
that dodge, I shel retire, for we can't win but wunst on war,
and then the responsibilities we'd hev to assoom wood be too
much for us. The Dimekratik intellek is not hefty.
Ez for myself, I've no feers — I kin git along. There's small
groceries to be run; and the retailin uv likker in a striktly
Dimekratik community, where they'd work jest twelve hours—
earnin enuff to carry em thro the other twelve at my bar —
has alluz appered to me to be the highth uv earthly bliss.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n22* About the time this letter was written the managers of the Democratic party
were in a great puzzle of mind what tack to make in order to catch the most
votes. A great deal depended on the issue of battles, and the prospects of the
war. Those who remember that crisis will recognize the appositeness of these
illustrations.
-- 131 -- p635-144
L. HAS A CLASS-MEETING, AND DEPRECATES NEGRO-KILLING.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
July the 30th, 1664.
[figure description] Page 131.[end figure description]
Our class meetins hev bin sumwat neglected uv late. Somehow,
it is in our Church ez it is in the hetrodox — we are hot
and cold alternitly. Last Sunday we hed a preshus season.
Brother Siples spoke. He confest that he wuz a weak
mortal. He hed his ups and downs, bad. Whenever Grant
and Sherman hed a success, his faith failed him; and sometimes
he hed difficulty in comin to time even wen Lee whipt
Grant. But he hed recently paid $2 per gallon for whisky, and
that stirred him. With one hand upon his too often empty jug,
and tother pinted to heaven, he hed sworn eternal hostility to
them ez hed razed these prices, wich is Ablishnists. If convenient,
he askt the brethrin to pray for him.
Brother Hopp riz. He hed his ups and downs also — rayther
more downs than ups. His sole wuz full wen Forrist killed
the niggers; but, alas! wo wuz on him wen Sherman flaxt em
at Atlanta. Now the skies is brite. Lee holds out bully, and
tother day 4000 niggers wuz killed at Petersburg.
At this point I interruptid Brother Hopp. The killin uv
niggers is no cause uv rejoicin. Wat a destrucshen uv property!
4000 niggers, at $1500 per nigger, is $6,000,000!
This sum uv money, even at the present Ablishn prices, wood
prodoose 60,000,000 drinks! Wood, O, wood that I wuz condemned
to consoom em all! Ef them niggers hed bin white
men, I woodent hev keered. Why? Bekoz white soljers is
all Ablishnists. Don't shake yer hed, Brother Gamp; it's so.
Yoor own son, even, backslid. He it wuz who writ hum, a
sayin that if he cum back and found that ole hipocrit, Nasby, a
eatin chickins about yoor house, he'd plump a ounce ball into
him. Hipocrit! Chickins! Sich basenis confirms me in my
beleef in the doctrin uv totle depravity. I am no obtroosive
guest at the tables uv my flock. Troo, I eat; but wood any
uv em say that chickins wuz a equivalent for my improvin con
-- 132 -- p635-145
[figure description] Page 132.[end figure description]
versashen? Ez for the paltry money I borrer, I alluz give my
note, wich settles them transactions.
To resoom. Every nigger killed inflames our brethrin
powerful. Imagine, my brethrin, a Suthern artilrist a bringin
uv his piece to bare upon the advancin enemy. He sees they
are niggers, and his heart sinks. Nearer and nearer they
come. Seizin a glass, he views em, and, horror! in the front
rank, “cloathed in soots uv bloo,” he beholds his indivijjle
niggers! Nearer! nearer! Fain wood he spare em, for them
very niggers may be the uncles uv a half dozen uv his children
(wich is patriarkle), to say nuthin uv the money he hez
investid in em. But no! The order is given! “Fire!” He
pulls the fatal string, and ez he beholds his own property a
bleedin on the plain, he swoons away. My gentle frends, I
make no doubt that half the cases reported in the Suthrin
papers ez sun-stroke, wuz from this coz.
Other brethrin giv their experience in. The feelin is
improvin sence the draft, and I hev faith that ef our groseries
kin hold out till September 5th, under the credit system, and
too many don't run to Canady, we will be able to whale any
Provo Marshell's force they kin send agin us.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge
LI. STARTS A SOCIETY OF HIS OWN.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
August the 3d, 1864.
*I am no “Son uv Liberty.” Any Dimekrat who can't stan a
heavier dose than that instooshn affords, ain't fit to hev the
elective franchise exercised for him. I hev instootid a order
-- 133 --
[figure description] Page 133.[end figure description]
uv my own, wich is more adaptid to the Dimekratik intellek at
large — suthin that they kin understand.
Wat's the yoose, I ask indignantly, uv tellin our disciples
that free speech is done away with by Linkin, wen we are
openly blattin Suthrin rites on evry cross rodes, without any
mental reservation whatsoever? Wat's the yoose uv talkin to
Dimekrats about habis corpusses, wen half uv em never had
em, and tother half woodent hev knowd the yoose uv em if
they'd a had em? Noncents!
My order, wich I call the “Anshent and Sublime Order uv
Putty-backs,” hez suthin in it they kin understand.
The follerin is a part uv the ritual: The candidate is brot
into the ante-room (so called from the fact that he there anties
up his inishashen fee) blindfolded. He's frightened. A
bottle is applied to his nose, wich reassures him, for well he
knows wher ther's whisky ther's Dimokrasy. The follerin dialogue
ensues: —
Question. Are you a Dimekrat?
Q. Do you consider yoorself better than a nigger?
Q. Are yoo afeard yoor sister will marry a nigger, and do
you want the Legislacher uv yer various Staits to make laws a
preventin uv her?
Do yoo bleeve that a Ablishnist loves a nigger better'n
hisself, his wife and children, his uncles and aunts, and sich?
Do yoo bleeve that this war, conseeved by John Brown and
innoggeratid by A. Linkin, is bein carried on by Ablishnists
for the sole purpose uv freein the niggers and bringin uv em
North, and elevatin uv em a inch or to, so ez to git em over
Dimekrats?
Do yoo bleeve that in Massachoosets they feed nigger students
on oysters and briled porter-house steak, and the whites on hash?
-- 134 -- p635-147
[figure description] Page 134.[end figure description]
Do yoo bleeve there are 800,000 niggers in the North now,
and that the guverment intends to hev em all vote this fall?
Are yoo willin to take up arms agin this elevashen uv the
nigger?
Will yoo solemnly pledge yoorself to vote the Dimekratic
tickit without a scratch, and to rally promptly to the killin uv
Provo Marshels?
The candidate, uv coarse, answers all these questions in the
affirmative, after wich some wun is hunted up who kin rite his
name, to wich he makes his mark, and he's inishiatid.
My society is pecoolyerly adaptid to the party, coz it's strong
uv nigger, wich all uv em kin understand. I never knowd a
ginooine Southern-rite Dimekrat who dident consider the free
Afrikin a disgustin obgeck, and who ain't continooally strivin
to make hisself bleeve that sumbody's lower down than hisself.
Hence their anxiety to own a nigger, and where that ain't
permitted, their onquenchable desire to kill wun.
My ijee is never to loose holt uv the nigger. He makes us
cheap cappitle, and is alluz reddy to hand.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n23* The Democracy, or rather that portion of the party which was in full and
open sympathy with the rebellion, organized secret societies in the Northwestern
States, the members of which were pledged to resist drafts, and in all
possible ways to give aid and comfort to the Southern cause. They were
known in some states as “Sons of Liberty,” in others as “Knights of the
Golden Circle.” Ohio, Indiana, Pennsylvania, and Illinois had more of these
conclaves than any of the other States. They imported arms, and their members
were instructed in their use. Governor Morton, of Indiana, seized the records
of the order in Indianapolis in the autumn of 1864, and having the rolls in his
possession, destroyed its power for mischief. The questions put to the candidates
for initiation are scarcely different in form from the arguments used in
the rural districts to inflame prejudice and make votes for the pro-slavery
party.
LII. INDORSES THE NOMINATION.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
September the 1st, 1864.
*Glory! Micklellan, the nashun's pride, is nominated! Bein
a orthodox Dimekrat, the nominashen soots me! Nominashens
alluz soots orthodox Dimekrats! In 30 years' experience, I
never knew a nominashen that dident.
-- 135 --
[figure description] Page 135.[end figure description]
Me and my Church wuz for peace. We wuz for Suthern
rites. We wuz opposed to drafts, and had purchast revolvers.
Therefore the incomparable Micklellan wuz not our fust choice.
The fact is, the grate George wuz a war man wunst, and wuz
the original inventor uv drafts, wich don't make him ez acceptable
to us ez he mite be. But ther's a excoose for him. The
Dimokrasy must bare in mind that the unforchnit man hed
sunk sum 85,000 Ablishnists sumwher about Richmond, and ez
he knew uv the prejoodice existin agin volunteerin under him,
he insistid on hevin uv em brot in by draft. It wuz all dun
for the benefit uv the Dimokrasy, becoz: The Dimekrats
drafted wood resist to run to Kanady — the Ablishnists wood
go, and, halleloogy! but few uv em wood ever return.
On receet uv the news I immejitly called my flock together,
announst it to em, and give em the follerin brief biographical
sketch uv our candidate, ez follows:
George B. Micklellan wuz born uv rich but honest parence,
sumwher, in the yeer 18—. (I love accooracy.) The nationality
uv his parence I am not shoor uv, but from the fact that
all the bitter old Know-Nothins is a supportin him, I shood
think he wuz uv Irish extraction. His great pint was promptnis
and decision uv character, wich qualities displayed themselves
at a early period. It is on record in the arkives uv the
family, that he cried immejitly after he wuz borned, and commenced
nursin within a hour. He wuz remarkable at school
for the same quality. No sooner did the clock strike noon,
than young George wood promptly leave the house. The
fucher general wuz foreshaddered in the skill with wich he
robbed melon patches. He made reglar approaches, wich
wuz skillful, but his retreats wuz magnificent. He cood
change his base bootiful — shiftin from melon patches to
orchards with neatnis and dispatch. Another peekooliarity uv
young George shows how troo is the sayin, “The child is father
uv the man.” While George cood alluz very elaboritly stratejise
-- 136 --
[figure description] Page 136.[end figure description]
hisself into a melon patch or orchard, he never stratejised hisself
out with any melons or apples.
He wuz edikatid at West Pint, and wuz finally made President
uv the Ohio and Mississippi Railroad. Here his decishun
agin showd itself. He conseeved the bold ijee uv gravelin the
road, wun mornin, at 31 minutes past 11. Wun yeer from that
time he announst to the Drektors that 17 laborers and an ekal
number uv wheelbarrers hed bin prokoored, and he wuz bizzy,
at that time, perfectin a plan for organizin uv em. Two
months after he announced his plan perfected, and that operations
hed commenst on a gravel-pit. Four days uv brilliantly
successful work follered, wen he announct that he wuz
obleegd to suspend operations, that five wheelbarrers wuz
broke, and seven laborers hed the diarrear. He wood reorganize
promptly, and proceed. Reorganizin his force, and perfectin
a new plan uv approach, only occupied eight months,
and the work wood hev bin commenst by this time, had not
the war broke out. The pay uv the Fedral Guvment bein
larger and more surer than the Confedracy, he relinquisht
railroadin and entered the Fedral service.
His military career is knowd by all uv us. Suffice it to say,
that no general wuz ever so beloved South, and so hated
North, wich wuz wat prokoord his nominashen.
Sich, my brethrin, is our candidate. Let us all sink our
prejoodices, and elect him. The platform on which he stands
I endorse with my whole heart. I hevent read it yet, but it
must be good, for Vallandigum made it. The post-orfises, the
treasury, for wich we hev bin waitin four long, dreary years,
is within our reach. Let us, my brethrin, go in and win. The
cheerin for me will now commence.
A collekshun wuz taken up to defray expensis uv the
campane. $8 wuz realized, wich wuz paid over to me. I
shel probably appear on the stump in a new pair uv pants.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n24* The nomination of General McClellan, in 1864, by the Democracy, as their
candidate for the Presidency, was reluctantly acquiesced in by the Peace faction
of that party. McClellan gained the nomination, but proved to be a weak
candidate. He was neither hot nor cold. He had fought the rebels, and offended
their sympathizers, but had not fought them with sufficient skill and
effect to satisfy the friends of the Union; and besides, his extreme solicitude
lest the war should result in the rebels losing their human chattels, so badly
impaired his patriotism that he drew few votes more than an actual Peace man
would have done, had he been the candidate of the Democracy.
-- 137 -- p635-150
LIII. THE CANDIDATES AND PLATFORM.
Church of the Noo Dispensashun, }
September the 8th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 137.[end figure description]
*The nominashens uv the Chicago Convenshun is made, and
altho they don't soot me, I shall support em. Post-orfises
can't be attained by us thro Linkin — Micklellan is the way,
and as a Dimekratik prophet I remark, “Walk ye in it.”
But I'm hevin a time with my flock. Ther's more uv a
diversity uv opinion than I ever saw among Dimekrats afore,
and I'm afeered that my gigantik intellek ain't hefty enuff to
reconcile the differences. I called a meetin last nite, in the
hopes uv settlin matters and restorin harmony.
I took the cheer, and made a few elokent remarks. Brothers
Siples, Spot, Hopp, and Gamp, who hev faith to bleeve they'll
respectively hold the orfises uv assessor, collecter, postmaster,
and provo marshel, on the strength uv remarks I made to em,
wuz enthoosiastik for Micklellan. They bleeved him to be the
-- 138 --
[figure description] Page 138.[end figure description]
Dimekratik Messiah, raised up expressly to save the instooshn.
They shood give him a hearty, cordial support.
Brother Punt, who boards me on tick, and who furnishes me
likker on the same terms, wich is ez good ez I cood wish, and
who expex payment wen I git a orfis, wuz enthoosiastiker for
Micklellan than any uv us. He wuz surprised at the apathy that
pervailed, wen so much wuz at stake. He perposed three
cheers for Micklellan. Brothers Siples, Spot, Gamp, Hopp,
Punt, and myself cheerd with the wildest enthoosiasm.
At this pint Brother Guttle ariz. He hed heard nonsence
enuff. He wuz under 45, and wuz able-bodied. Consekently
he jined the Sons uv Liberty, and bought a revolver, and had
his rifle fixed. Wat wuz to be done with them tools? Wuz
he to hev no opportoonity to yoose em? Wat he wantid to
know, wuz Micklellan peace or war? Ef he wuz peace, all
rite. He'd ez soon shoot provo marshels under his banner, ez
anybody's, but bein a peace man, he must shoot somebody.
He hed a neighbor read the platform to him day before yesterday.
He must say he wuz disgusted. We are peace. We
bleeve in State-rites, in immejit recognishun uv Suthern
independence, and wuz opposed to coershun. To all uv wich
he hed sworn. He dident go much on oaths, but wen a oath
sootid him he'd keep it. Why didn't the convenshun say
peace? Ef he hed got to be dragged into the army like a
peace lamb to the slawter, he'd ez soon let Linkin drag him ez
Micklellan. It wuz the draggin into the field that he objectid to—
not the man who dragged him. He wanted to know, he did.
I replied to this misguidid man. I assomed that majestic,
lofty, penetratin gaze, wich only two men in Ameriky possest—
me and D. Webster. I told him that obedience wuz the
fust principle uv Dimokrasy. The convenshun — OUR convenshun,
hed nominatid — all we hed to do wuz to vote. Ef the
convenshun hed seen fit to nominate a war man, on a war
platform, it wood hev bin our dooty to hev votid it; but the
convenshun wuz not hard on us. It accommodated us all.
Are yoo a War Dimekrat? Wasn't Micklellan a gineral?
Isn't he the inventor uv drafts? Didn't he arrest the Maryland
Legislacher? Are yoo a peace man? Didn't the majestik
Micklellan endorse Judge Woodward? Didn't he take the
-- 139 -- p635-152
[figure description] Page 139.[end figure description]
nominashun at the hands uv Vallandigum? Are yoo a Suthern
man? Ask any Suthern gineral who he'd ruther see at the
head uv our armies, and he'd answer, in thunder tones, Micklellan!
Then the platform. Is ther anything in it agin war?
Is ther anything in it agin peace? It is a accommodatin
platform, halleloogy! Brother Hopp, who is a thirstin after
human gore, can slake his thirst at this fountain. To Brother
Guttle, who wuz a peace man, this platform wuz the whitewinged
angel herself. I hevn't eggsamined it critikally, but I
hevn't the slightest doubt that the doctrin uv fore ordinashen,
or total depravity, or elecshun, or free grace, kin be proved
from it concloosively.
It's a broad platform. Ther wuz room on it for Fernandywood
and Sam Cox, for Vallandigum and Seymore — the
pyramid built on said platform has room on the apex for Micklellan
with his gory sword, and Pendleton with his olive-branch,
halleloogy!
Brother Guttle wuz reprimanded. I hevn't any doubt that
my Church will be a unit in support uv the nominashens. Ef
we cood stop the runnin to Canady in consekens uv the draft,
I hev no doubt we wood hev our usual majority.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf635n25* General George B. McClellan, a graduate of West Point, a martinet of some
skill and proficiency, who had served in the Mexican war with some credit
as a subaltern, was, by the manœuvring of certain Ohio Democrats, made
Major General of the Ohio forces, before the regular organization of the army
by the General Government. He was rapidly pushed forward, chiefly by
politicians of the party to which he belonged. President Lincoln desired to
welcome into the army all patriotic and serviceable men, without distinction of
party, and gave the rising officer all the credit and advantage his friends claimed
for him. The Administration gave him its entire confidence, and few men have
ever had such splendid opportunity to gain military renown as General McClellan
had. But he seemed more anxious to perpetuate slavery, and to provide for the
future of the Democratic party, than to subdue the armies of the rebellion.
His period of service was one of deep and painful solicitude to the more discerning
and patriotic men of the country, and the patience of President Lincoln
towards him was a sore trial to many of his best friends, and begat more distrust
of his administration than anything else connected with his official course.
When the time came for the Democracy to use the “young Napoleon” they
had had in training for the Presidential candidacy, he was in a very poor plight
for the race. His martial philosophy — his theory of the principles on which
the war should be conducted — was fatally defective, and his military efforts in
the main ineffective and disastrous. He made, therefore, only a weak and
unpopular candidate for the party which expected so much of him.
LIV. WAILETH.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
September the 15th, 1864.
The follerin sam uv hoomiliashen and agony will be chanted
in every Church in my dioceese, all day, every Sunday, until the
Confedrits win a victry:
A DOUBLE-BARRELD WALE! — A CRY UV ANGUISH!
In the valley and shadder sit we!
Job hed biles, but he scraped hisself with a oyster-shell!
-- 140 --
[figure description] Page 140.[end figure description]
Naman wuz a leper, but he dove into the Jordan, and come
out ez good ez new!
Sampson hed his hair shingled and wuz weak as watered
whisky, but it growd agin and he busted his enemies!
We hev biles and are rotten with em, but where's the comfortin
oyster-shell?
We hev leprosy, but where's the Jordan to jump into?
Our hair is short, and ther's whar our enemies hev got us,
but wher's the restorative to make it grow agin?
Job, and Naman, and Sampson, all together, wuzn't as bad off
ez we.
We kin throw in Lazarus with his sores, and the dorgs a
lickin uv em, and then give em 50 in a 100 and beat em.
For we nominatid Micklellan and Pendleton, at Chicago, and
wun is a war man and tother is a peace man.
The ox and the ass is yoked — their heads and tails together.
And the team is pulling viggorusly, but instid uv goin
forerd, it's goin round and round.
Wale! O my peeple, for the ticket wuzn't war enuff, and
Cass hez bolted!
Gnash yer teeth! O ye saints, for the tickit wuzn't peace
enuff, and Vallandigum hez bolted!
We tried to ride two hosses, goin in two different direckshuns,
and we fell to the ground.
And both hosses turned on us and kicked us.
And Micklellan hez no chance — he won't hev the givin uv
the post-offises.
And Sherman took Atlanta, and chawd up Hood!
And Lee wants the Weldon road, but he can't git it.
And Governor Morton took the revolvers from the peace men
uv Injeany.
And the draft won't be resisted, and the provo marshels will
hev whole skins.
Wale! For Maine and Vermont, wich wuz tired uv the war,
and wuz a goin for Micklellan, hev voted Ablishn with a
loosenis.
Wale! For our rulers oppress us. They let their men vote
in the army, but won't let our men vote in Canady!
-- 141 -- p635-154
[figure description] Page 141.[end figure description]
Wale! For the Ablishnists shel hold the orfises, and we
shel be numbered among the outs!
Wale! For in the fucher I see no way uv livin but by
work!
Why wuz I born into sich a world! Why wuz whisky
created, ef yoo can't git it without a price? Why wuz orfisis
establisht, ef them can't git em ez wants em the most?
Micklellan buried his thousands in the swamps uv the
Chickahominy — he hath buried his tens of thousands under
the platform he kicked over!
The Ablishnists jeer us, and flout us; they wag their heds
at us, sayin, “Go up, bald hed!”
And we hev gone up!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
LV. LAMENTETH.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
October the 14th, 1864.
I've come to a conclooshen. I'm satisfied that Pennsilvany,
Ohio, and Indiana hev gone Ablishn. I saw it in a daily paper.
Therefore, I direct that every church in my dioceese be draped
in mournin (the same we used when we heerd uv Atlanta will
anser), and that the follerin sam uv angish be chantid at every
servis, until we git the returns from Noo Jersey.
Ohio! Pensilvany! Indiana!
Pennsilvany is cussid, Ohio is cusseder, but Indiana is
cussidest.
Weep, O my people, for lo! the hind sites is knocked off us!
Gnash yer teeth, for the states we counted on the most hev
gone the wust agin us.
Tear yer hair, for Voorhees is beat.
-- 142 --
[figure description] Page 142.[end figure description]
Throw ashes on yer head, for little Sam Cox is gone up.
Array yerself in shoddy, for we're all gone up.
Ef sich is done in the green tree, wat will it be in the dry?
I am a fountain uv lamentations — they run from me ez doth
the water from the spring.
Can we look to the South for comfort? Nay, verily.
For Atlanta is gone, and Lee rageth in vain, and Early is
chawd up egreejusly.
And Linkin, and Grant, and Sherman, and Sheridan are laffin
with much laffter — they feel good.
But their mirth is our wo, their meat is our pizen.
Can we look to the North? Not any; for that is a Sahara
Desert uv Ablishnism, with nary a oasis.
Wher is the post-offisis? Wher is the collektorships, and
wher the tother places uv profit? They are not for us.
To the East we stretch our hands, and Maine ansers, “'Ror
for Linkin!”
To the West we turn, and Indiana pops it to us to the tune
uv 30,000.
We bought revolvers in that State, and lo! we committid
sooicide with em.
We are a dove, a peace dove, shoved out uv the political ark.
And the deluge uv Ablishnism rageth wildly, and shows no
sign uv subsidin.
And we are weary, but kin find no place to rest our foot.
Bestir thyself, O Lee! if yoo wood save us in November.
On yoo we bet our pile; yoo are our anker and our cheefest
trust.
We preech in vane that the war is a failure, while yoo are
bein whipped once or twice per day.
Be valiant, for gold is goin down, and goods is goin with it,
and the Ablishnists laff, and the people is content.
Whale Grant jist wunst, and give us wun more chance.
Lift us out uv the pit into wich we hev fallen — give us
solid ground to stand on.
Then will our wailins be turned to joy, and our lamentations
to songs uv gladnis.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 143 -- p635-156
LVI. HAS A DREAM.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
October the 21st, 1864.
[figure description] Page 143.[end figure description]
I am no bleever in gosts or dreams, or sich, nor never wuz.
Ef the tyrant Linkin (wich is a ape) shood draft me, and I
shood be dragged to the tented field, a unwillin martyr, I know
I shood much prefer meetin the gost uv a rebel soljer, wich is
a shadder, than to encounter wun in the flesh, with a muskit
and baynet, wich is no shadder. Dreams is likewise unsubstanshel,
and result, nine cases out uv ten, from aboose uv the
stumick. I dream but seldom, and wen I do, I alluz attribit it
to eatin a pound or two more sassage, or drinkin a quart or
two more whisky, than I really need, late at nite; and I never
bleeved they wuz prophetic, becoz I don't allow that the seat
uv prophecy is located in the stumick. These is my theory uv
gosts, dreams, and sich.
I hed a dream last nite, wich left a impreshn on my mind. I
hed bin preparin a sermon, provin that “Servants, obey yoor
masters,” justified the ketchin uv niggers with dorgs, wen I fell
asleep and dreamed. Methawt I wuz dead, and hed laid in
that stait 200 yeers, and hed awoke, and found myself agin on
earth. I saw nothin pekoolyer. There wuz more railroads,
and more school-houses, and into wun uv the latter I went.
The school-marm wuz eggsaminin a class uv youngsters in
history.
“Who wuz the greatest and goodest men the Yoonitid Staits
ever prodoost?”
“George Washington and Aberham Linkin.”
“What did they do?”
“Washington founded the government, and Linkin preserved
it.”
“Who wuz the wust men the country prodoost?”
A little girl anserd:
“Joodath Ithcariot, Benedict Arnold, Jeff Davith, and Vallandigum.”
-- 144 --
[figure description] Page 144.[end figure description]
“Yoo are wrong, my child,” retorted the school-marm.
“Judas lived in another country, and before the others. They
were so simler, however, that the error is excoosible. What
did Arnold, and Davis, and Vallandigum do?”
“Arnold betrayed his country, and took up arms agin it;
Davis rebelled agin his government, and Vallandigum helped
him all he cood without gettin hisself into danger.”
“What names were given them ez opposed the government
in '76 and '61?”
“Tories and Copperheads?”
“Which wuz the wust, the Tories or Copperheads?”
“That pint hez bin much discussed, but no concloosion hez
ever bin arriv at.”
“How many times wuz Linkin electid President?”
“Two.”
“Had he any opposition for the second term?”
“None to speak uv. The rebels and Copperheads run a disgraced
soljer, whose name sum historians giv ez Mickfadden,
uthers ez Micknellan, and uthers ez Micklellan; but ez he
receeved no votes in the electoral colledge, the eleckshun wuz
considered unanimus. The Copperhead candidate sunk into
obskoority after the war, and he wuz forgotten, wich wuz lucky
for his children.”
I notist about half the children hed on bloo ribbins; one
fourth wuz drest ordinary, and the balance hed a white rag
pinned to their backs. I asked the school-marm wat this
indicated. She askt me ef I wuz a furriner; to wich I anserd,
I wuz, a furrin prince in disguise, on a tour uv observashen.
She replied:
“Them ez hez bloo ribbins is the descendants uv the loyal
soljers uv the great rebellion; them with no decorations is
decendid from loyal men who wuz not soljers; and them poor
things who hev the white rag (she busted into tears and wept
perfoosely), are the unforchnit desendants uv — Copperheads!”
I visited a court-house. The case they wuz tryin wuz slander.
One man hed asserted that the great-great-grandfather
uv another, who wuz a opposin candidate for Justis uv the
Peace, hed bin a Copperhead. Plaintiff brot into court a old
paper printed in 1864, wich showd that said ancester wuz on a
-- 145 -- p635-158
[figure description] Page 145.[end figure description]
Linkin centrel commity. Joory brot in a verdict uv $10,000
for plaintiff.
I awoke from this dream in a cold sweat. “Is it possible,”
thot I, “that posterity will so regard us?” and for a minnit I
wuz almost persuadid to be a Christian. But I thot uv the
post-offisis, and sed to myself, “What is posterity to a ded
man? Let me hev offis, and the means uv keepin my skin full
uv whisky, without work, and posterity may think wot it
pleases.” And I resoomed labor on my sermon.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
LVII. LOSES A FRIEND, AND WRITES HIS OBITUARY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
October the 28th, 1864.
A pillar hez fallen! Last nite, at 10 o'clock and 57 minits
P. M., Issaker Punt, a deacon uv my Church, and the heftiest
pillar in the instooshn, in fact the only one who paid his
quarterage reglar, departed this life.
Brother Punt wuz born a Dimekrat; he reseeved the faith
by inheritance, ez his father wuz one afore him. And that faith
he kept. He mite hev bin sedoost into the by and forbidden
paths uv Whiggery and Ablishnism, and sich, but knowin the
frailty uv human nacher, he persistently refoozd to learn to
reed, and thus made himself sekoor from the wiles uv unscroopulus
politishns. It wuz a butiful traite in his charikter
that he wood never vote a tickit that he did not get from the
hands uv the central committee-man!
Brother Punt commenst politikle life a votin for Androo
Jaxon, when he wuz but 18 years old. The rigid moralist may
object to this act, ez illegal. It wuz objectid to at the time,
and the youthful hero wuz arrestid and impriznd, and he wood
hev remained in prizn two years, hed he not bin pardoned out
-- 146 --
[figure description] Page 146.[end figure description]
by a Dimekratik guverner, jest afore the next elecshun. We
next find him battlin for the Dimokrasy in the person uv Martin
Van Buren. At that elecshun he votid twice, and drunk 172
times. Ez he repeatedly remarkt to me, that day wuz a tryin
one. The first hundred drinks wuz nateral — the balance wuz
excess; but he hed pledged his township for a certain majority,
the candidates hed given him the money to treat with, and
he wuz determined to do it ef it cost him a attack uv delirium
tremens. He wuz alluz ready to sacrifice his bowels for the
cause.
He managed to survive Harrison's elecshun, and wuz active
in procurin Polk's triumph. He mourned doorin Fillmore's
rane, and rejoist with exceedin grate joy doorin Peerse and
Bookannon's.
In 1860 he didn't vote for nobody. He knowd Duglis wuz a
Dimekrat, and so wuz Breckinridge. He attendid meetins uv
both factions, and hoorayd vigerusly for both, but, unforchnitly,
the committy who hed furnisht him tickets for years wuz
divided — one half for Duglis and tother for Breckinridge. He
coodent decide wich wuz the real Dimekratik tickit, and so, on
elecshun day, he went to the poles, and went thro the moshuns
uv votin with a piece uv blank paper.
But he hed no doubts ez to opposin Linkin — he knowd he
wuz no Dimekrat, for both committymen told him so. O, with
what joy he heerd the news uv the firin on Fort Sumter!
With what eckstasy he heerd uv Bull Run! No man in the
North exhibitid more ability in swearin at Linkin — no one
cood retail to better advantage the lies the centrel committy
decidid to cirkelait.
Brother Punt growd low-sperited at the battle uv Stone
River, and kept failin ez Linkin's dorgs advanced. He britened
up a little when Forest killed the niggers at Fort Piller; but
Sheridan and the Indiana eleckshuns protrastid him fearfully,
and he becum so redoost that his likker hed to be fed to him
with a spoon.
Brother Punt wuz a consistent member uv the Church uv
the Noo Dispensashun. Before jinin my flock, it wuz his boast
that he hed never bin inside a meetin-house. Therefore he
rejoist at the oppertoonity uv hearin a pure gospel, into wich,
-- 147 --
[figure description] Page 147.[end figure description]
ef the nigger wuz interdoost at all, he wuz put in and held up
hand-cufft, wich is alluz refreshin to the troo Dimekratik mind.
He dispisd Ablishn preachin.
Brother Punt's Dimokrasy wuz uv a broad, comperhensive
charicter. He follered the party. Opposed to Stait's rites
and secession under Jaxon, he wuz in favor uv both in 1864.
Opposed to slavery-extension in '48, he favored it in '60, and
so on. The immejit coz uv his death wuz this tyranikle
Administrashen. Whisky hed got so high that he wuz forst
to diloot it, and at his age he coodent stan it. He died uv
water on the stumick.
I wuz with him in his last moments. His mind wandered,
and he talked uv goin wher he'd finally hev a post-orfis. The
doctor, who wuz a Ablishnist, unfeelinly remarkt, that ef ther
wuz mails in the country he wuz goin to, it wood be nessary to
hev fire-proof mail bags. Like all other grate men, he hed his
last words (no member uv my flock shel die without hevin last
words, so long ez I kin write) — I writ em yisterday. They
wuz: “Hev we carried Pennsylvany? — my coppers is burnt
out! — put on my tomb-stun, `He voted erly and often, and
never scratched a tickit.'”
Ez winter is approachin, and I need a new soot uv close, I
hev determined to call upon the brethren for funds to erect a
sootable monument to the memory uv this sterlin Dimekrat.
Sums uv ten cents (wich, sence Vallandigum's speckelashun,
is the orthodox Dimekratik contribushen), for this purpose,
may be sent to me, with the asshoorence that they will be
faithfully used.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 148 -- p635-161
LVIII. HAS A DIFFICULTY WITH HIS FLOCK AND LEAVES IT.
Onto the Wing, }
November the 18th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 148.[end figure description]
The die is cast! All is ore! Ef Freedom shreekt when
Kossikusco fell, she must hev squawkt last Toosdy nite ez she
beheld the innanimate corpse uv the Dimekratik party, which
fell, crushing Little Mack, and the hopes uv sum hundreds uv
thousans uv good Dimekrats, who spectid to be persuadid
by ther frends into acceptin the various offisis under the
guverment.
I am a lost and rooined man. My people are uv the troo
Dimekratik stripe. They hed faith in me. They bleeved wat
I told em. I told em Micklellan wuz certain uv the elecshun,
and that I hed ded-wood on the disposal uv the offisis in that
seckshun. It immejitly become a easy matter to borrer money.
It wuz deliteful — wood, O wood that it cood hev bin perpetooal!
Brother Savage lent me $50, with a request that I
wood speak a good word for him for a furrin mishn. I
assoomed a virchus look, and replied that I never sold my
inflooence, but that I alluz had a admirashen for his massive
intellek and many virchoos. Brother Guttle lent me money,
wantin this, and Brother Sludge wantin that; in breef, evry
individooal uv em who hed a forhead a inch high, spectid
suthin.
The returns cum in. Ohio — Linkin! “Good! 'Rah!”
shouts I, with great presence uv mind.
“Why good?” anxshusly asks the expectants.
“Becoz, to carry Ohio, the Ablishnists must hev brot votes
from Noo York, wich will give us that state, shoor.”
Noo York — Linkin!
“Good Lord!” answers I, promptly; “the Noo York Ablishnists
must hev voted in Ohio, and hev got home in time to vote
agin. But wait for Pennsilvany.”
Pennsilvany — Linkin!
-- 149 --
[figure description] Page 149.[end figure description]
“My frends, ther wuz fraud — Massachoosits soljers, at least
40,000, must hev voted there. Indiana will do it, however.”
Indiana — Linkin!
“Not less than 40,000 Massachoosits soljers hev voted there.
Illinois is safe, though.”
Illinois — Linkin.
“40,000 Massachoo—”
“Give me my money!” roard Savage, and the same remark,
with variashens, wuz made by Guttle, Sludge, and the rest
uv em.
“Gently, my frends,” sed I, backin out uv the door. “We
hev bin defeated but the great principle that a white man is
better than a nigger, for wich we hev so long fought, still lives,
Let us sink all minor considrashens, and —”
The minor considerashens I referred to wuz, however,
uppermost in their minds, for they all went for me, yellin
like Cuscororious Injins, “Give me my money!” whereupon I
retreated to the meetin-house, lockin myself in. They surrounded
it, swearin they'd starve me out.
When a innocent boy, I read a harrowin tale uv a Rooshn
mother, who wuz persood by frantic wolves, and who saved her
own life by droppin her children to em, wun by wun. My
privit barrel uv whisky wuz in my study — I wuz saved!
I histid it out uv a winder, and calmly awaited results. They
flockt around it — they took turns at the bung-hole. In wun
short hour they wuz stretched helpless on the plain, dead
drunk. Then and there I resined my charge, and borrerin
sich money and watches ez the ungrateful wretches hed about
em, to make up arrears uv salary and sich, bid adoo to em
forever. I shel go to Noo Jersy.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 150 -- p635-163
LIX. DEPRECATES THE ARMING OF THE SLAVES BY THE SOUTH.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
November the 21st, 1864.
[figure description] Page 150.[end figure description]
*The brave and chiverlus South hev at last desided upon
armin their niggers. Ef they do it, it settles the question.
The Ablishn party is neerly eggsaustid, and can not hope to
cope successfully with three millions uv fresh niggers, the
most uv em decendid drekly from the fust families uv the
South. The nigger will fite! I may hev sed at diffrent
times, when the goriller Linkin wuz armin uv em, that they
woodent fite, but it wuz a lie uv the basest character, that I
got up to deseeve the people. Does Boregard fite? Does the
younger Masons, and Peytons, and Ruffins, and Slidells, and
sich? Where do they get their chiverlus darin from? Onqueschenably
frum the old Boregard, Mason, Peyton, Slidell, et
settry. Very good. Admittin it's blood that does it, won't
the same blood that makes Kernel Peyton chivelrus, operate the
same way when coursin thro the vanes uv Sam, his half-brother?
Uv coarse. Like causes perdoose like effex. Ef
Kernel Peyton takes a dose uv pills, wat's the result? Precisely
the same ez wen Pomp takes em. Blood, like pills,
operate the same on all constooshns.
The mizrable hirelins uv Linkin will rue the day they meet
these dark knites. The Suthern white soljer is, I am aware, a
mizrable cuss. He wuz born a serf; nacher made him expressly
for that system uv society, and he coodent eggsist
nowhere else. The Suthern lord uv the sile requires various
serviss. Manual labor is dun by the black, but votin must be
dun by whites. Nacher steps in and furnishes him a man
-- 151 --
[figure description] Page 151.[end figure description]
white enuff to vote, and low enuff to be owned. He hez no
chiverlry, and woodent fite at all ef 'twant for the blooded
offisers. Imagine entire regiments uv blooded men — men uv
the physikle strength uv the native Afrikin, animated with the
spirit uv the hawty Southron — a goriller with the sole uv
Chevaleer Bayard.
I hev prayd that Linkin will spare the South this bitter cup.
Hez the wretch no sole? Imagin a Suthern offiser a leadin his
regiment into battle. He drors nigh to the enemy. Whiz!
sings a shell. It explodes! He is safe, but, alas! dispersed
into inch pieces is Scipio, his nigger, and perhaps the son uv
his grandfather's son, or, may be, the uncle uv his own children!
That shell cost him $1500. A rifle pops, and Pompey
dies, who, livin, wood hev bin dirt-cheap at $1200. And so he
goes. He treads the path uv glory over the dead bodies uv
his blood relashens, which is also his forchune.
Agin. Ef the nigger fites alongside uv the white man, he
is acknowledged ez his ekal, and away goes the corner-stun uv
Dimokrasy. It hez alluz bin a consolashen to the Northern
Dimekrat to feel that ther wuz a race meaner than they are.
Shel this pleasin deloosion be roodly dissipatid? Forbid it,
Hevin!
This sacrifis may be avoidid. Linkin hez bin slitely electid,
and inasmuch ez he hez control uv suthin over a million
muskits, with artilry to match, we Dimekrats, hevin alluz bin a
law-abidin people, shel submit quietly to the popular voice.
But we kin advise. Linkin hez it in his hands. Let him make
peace immejitly and to-wunst. Let him send commishners to
Richmond, under same pay ez members uv Congris (I will go
for wun), to treat and be treated. Let us act upon the Micklellan
ijee. Let us offer them all they want to kum back,
and ef they refooze — why then fite it out, on constooshnel,
conservative principles. Ef they do refooze, and the war shood
be properly conductid, I shood sacrifice all for my bleedin
country, and go into the service ez a sutler. I cood not
hesitate for a moment.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n26* The impression obtained at one time that the Confederacy intended arming
the negroes, and as a last resort giving such of them their liberty as should
perform faithful service. This was not finally resorted to, though the negroes
were made very serviceable to the rebel cause in servile work in the army, and
in raising crops at home, while the whites went to the field.
-- 152 -- p635-165
LX. HAS A FRIGHTFUL DREAM.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
November the 29th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 152.[end figure description]
I'm bein afflicted with dreams. It's very seldom that I lay
my manly form down to rest, that dreams uv the most friteful
character don't take posseshun uv me, and I awake in the
mornin feelin ez tired ez I do after a hard day's dodgin
creditors, wich is exhaustin.
Last nite I hed a dream, the recolleckshun whereof is enuff
to drive a dray hoss uv ordinary sensibilities crazy. Methawt
Dimokrasy wuz ded, that his funeral wuz apinted for the 4th
uv March, that that day hed arriv, and that the friends uv the
deceest hed bin invitid. I wuz on the spot early, but, to my
surprise, quite a number uv mourners wuz there afore me. Ther
wuz Thomas Jefferson, and Androo Jaxson, and Steven A.
Duglis, and Silas Wright, and James K. Polk, and sich. The
corpse wuz that uv a giant, who hed evidently died uv dissipashen—
wunst strong and viggerus, but redoost to a shaky
skeleton. Presently Fernandywood, Frank Peerse, Vallandigum,
and Vorhees hove in site. They come a busslin up, ez
tho they wuz the ligitimit heirs and assigns aforesed uv the
deceest, but ez soon ez they recognized them ez wuz standin
round the corpse, they turned pale and sneaked off ez fast ez
their legs cood carry em. These distinguished individooels
wuz a weepin bitterly over the corpse, particklerly Jefferson.
“I am his fond parient,” he exclaimed; “I guided his infant
steps; I — but what the dev—”
This exclamashen escaped Thomas, ez his eagle eye lit onto
a bootiful nigger-whip wich the defunct hed clutched into his
emashiated hand. “He never got that from me,” continued
Thomas, with a expreshun uv intense disgust; “I sent the
gushin yooth into the world to do away with them things.”
Wright hed found a revolver and a pair uv handcuffs in his
pocket, wich he dropped as tho they burnt him. Jakson took
out uv his vest a package labeld “State-Rites.” “Good
-- 153 --
[figure description] Page 153.[end figure description]
hevins!” remarkt he, flingin it from him, “did the ijeot forgit
my teachins ez soon ez I left him, and take up with the
heresies uv that scoundrel, Calhoon?”
Duglis hed bin searchin, and next to the heart he found a
heavy package markt “Seceshn,” at wich they all started
back with uplifted hands, ez I've seed the play-actors do when
they see the ghost uv their dead mother.
“He wuz devoted to his country wen I started him,” sed
Jefferson.
“Him and me put our heel on seceshn wunst,” wept Jaxson.
“My friends,” sed Duglis, “I wuz the guardian uv the
deceest up to four yeers ago. He fell into bad hands in '52,
and got wild. He become quarrelsome, graspin, and at the
same time dissipatid. I tried to keep him strate, but in vane.
Sich men ez Bookannon and Peerse hed more inflooence with
him than I, and they led him astray. He squandered all the
estate yoo left him, the valuable part uv wich wuz bought in
by a concern at the hed uv wich is A. Lincoln, uv my State,
who, by makin a proper use uv it, is doin a good biznis. To
save him, I endorst for him in '60, but he bustid me, and sellin
all that he had left, he went into the employ uv the Calhoon
concern, wich wuz jest startin up, ez I left, and I am pained to
say that he contracted to do all their dirty work. It wuz that
wich killed him.”
“Bury the cuss — he stinks!” exclaimed they all in chorious,
the noise whereof awoke me.
I feel thankful that we modern Dimekrats see Jefferson,
Jaxson, and sich, only in dreams.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 154 -- p635-167
LXI. PROPOSES THE EMIGRATION OF THE DEMOCRACY.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
December the 8th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 154.[end figure description]
*I read in the Scripters (a book I alluz perooze whenever
I'm bad sick), suthin about ten tribes uv Israel that wuz lost.
A ijee struck me. I see a way by wich the present unholy,
devastatin war kin be stopped, and after givin the matter doo
considerashen, I'm convinst uv its feasibility. It is
EMIGRASHEN!
The Suthern branch uv the Dimekratik party ought to be
convinst, by this time, that they ain't a match for the Ablishnists
a fightin, jest ez the Northern wing hez diskivered that
it ain't no match for em a votin. The fact is, the entire plan
uv repairin the old temple uv Dimokrasy with secession mortar
hez very much the appearance uv a failure. My father (a Noo
Jersey Dimekrat) wunst spilled lamp-oil on a noo coat. He
askt a nabor, who wuz reckless, wat wood take it out, and he
told him sulphuric acid. The old man got some, and poured it
on. The next day he went over to his adviser in great wrath,
with the remnants uv the coat.
“John,” said the old gentleman, “didn't yoo tell me that
this yere acid wood eradicate grease from my coat?”
“Certinly; didn't it?”
“John, why didn't you likewise tell me that it would also
eradicate the coat?”
Alas! the remedy Dimokrasy swallered to cure the cramp
colic it got in 1860, is gnawin its bowels. It is curin its ills
ez striknin duz hydrophoby in a dorg.
-- 155 --
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To resoom. My ijee is Mexico. Let a peece be made, the
terms uv which are, that jest such uv the people uv the old
Yoonitid States ez hev made up their individjle minds that
they can't live under Ablishn tyranny, shel hev the privilege
uv leavin with all their goods and chattels. Then we'll go to
Mexico, upset that offshoot uv European monerky, Maxemilian,
and set up pure Dimokrasy, with ekal rites and slavery ez the
corner-stuns. Sum may object on the ground that Maxemilian
is by this time too hefty to be histid. Here is the forse we
kin kalkilait on:
| Northern Dimekrats in Canady in consekence uv drafts, |
200,000 |
| Northern Dimekrats at home who spected orfis under
Micklellan, |
1,460,000 |
| Suthern army, say, |
200,000 |
| Grand total, |
1,860,000 |
Cood Maxemilian stand afore sich a array ez that? Not
any.
“But,” sez one, “uv wat yoose wood them peace Dimekrats
and draft skeedaddlers be to a military expedishen? — they
won't fite.” My gentle friend, Jeff'son D. knows his biznis.
Let him whisper into ther ears that each and every wun uv
em that survives shel hev a post-orfis, and they'd wade in blood
knee-deep. O, it would be a cheerin site to see them a chargin
up the steeps uv Chepultepec, with the inspirin cry, “Post-orfis!”
Evry wun uv em wood be a hero.
There we'd set up Dimokrasy agin. The country, uv course,
we'd divide, North and South, free and slave, for a Northern
Dimekrat wood feel oneasy in his mind ef he hadn't a South
to serve. We'd hold Nashnel Convenshuns in the halls uv the
Montezoomers, and, O, woodent it be soothin to agin heer
Toombs and Rhett, and them high-minded fellers, a bully-raggin
uv us! Methinks.
Ez evry wun uv us wood be offis-holders, wher wood we git
constitooence? Nacher hez pervided. The natives uv that
country wood serve admirably. But they coodent understand
yoor speekers. Troo, but them Mexicans wood soot us all the
better for not understandin English. Whenever a Dimekrat got
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sense enuff into him to comprehend our talk, he alluz left the
party. Give me the voter who takes his faith on trust. It's
yoor inquirin minds that hez played the devil with us.
I shel immejitly perpose the matter to President Davis.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n27* Many of the more venomous rebels declared they would emigrate by thousands
to South America, or some other region where they would be out of sight
and sound of the Abolitionists, their conquerors. A few attempted it, but soon
came back to the shelter of the government they had tried to destroy, “sadder,
but wiser men,” than when they went.
LXII. CONSULTS THE SPIRITS.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
December the 19th, 1864.
I can't say I bleeve in speritualism. I've tried it several
times, but the result wuz never satisfactory. I never cood
determine in my own mind ez to whether the sperits uv them
ez purported to be strangers, wuz ginooine, not knowin their
style, whereupon I wood call up the sperit uv a deceest acquaintance.
The conversashen wood then run ez follows: —
Me. “Is the sperit of Jotham Smith present?”
Sperit. “It is. Who calls?”
Me. “Nasby, Petroleum V.”
Sperit. (Vehemently.) “Pay to my widder, yoo old thief,
the thirteen dollars and a half you borrered uv me six years
ago.”
Now, that coodent hev been the sperit uv Jotham Smith,
becoz the said Jotham, when in life, labord manfully for three
yeers to git that money, and hed signally failed, and for years
hed quit tryin. It coodent hev been Jotham, for he knowd me
too well. Ef it wuz his sperit, it proves concloosively to me
that the sperit is etherial, and when releest from the body,
wich restrains it, it becums flighty.
A friend uv mine, here, is a speritooalist, and he invited me
wun nite to a cirkle. I went, hopin to find out wat wuz the
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destiny uv the Dimekratik party. I boldly called for the sperit
uv Androo Jaxon. It cum.
“Androo,” sez I, “father uv Dimokrasy, I, wun uv yer perlitikle
children —”
“Hold!” interuptid he. “Did yoo vote for Valandigum?”
“I supportid that persekootid saint.”
“And Micklellan?”
“Onquestionably I votid for that great general and statesman.”
“And after that yoo hev the impudence to call yerselves
children uv mine! Yoor in error, my gentle friend, on the
daddy question, or yoo lie wilfully. Yoor Dimekratik party
hezn't my politikle eyes, nose, mouth, or expreshun. Yoor
the son uv that hoary old traitor, Calhoon, and a mizrable, deformed,
misshapen ape it is. Yoo strangled the Dimokrasy I
left yoo, and hev put Calhoon's into its close.”
“Androo,” sez I, “how do you git along with the latter-day
Dimokrasy, who deceese, universally regretted, et settry.”
“Git along with em! They don't none uv em cum here.
There's another and a hotterer place for sich.”
I then called for the sperit uv Floyd, Bookannon's Secretary,
and late Genral in Confedrit servis. He cum to-wunst.
“J. B.,” sez I, “wat is the fucher uv the Dimokratic party?”
“Fucher!” replied he, smilin a sperit smile; “why, man,
it's in its fucher now. It's deceest, and ought to hev a tomb-stun
put up to commemorate its virchoos, immejitly, and regardlis
uv expense. I say regardlis uv expense, becoz, the meaner
a man is, the more tomb-stun he needs. Marble is the best
material to tell lies on now in use. To resoom. Dimokrasy
wuz seized with a mortal illnis in '60, wen Linkin wuz electid.
The blood is the life. Offis is the blood uv Dimokrasy, and
wen that wuz withdrawn, Dimokrasy wuz a depleted cuss. It
struggled agin hope until last fall, when it kicked its last kick,
and a mity week kick it wuz. Dost thou think ef I cood hev
been Secretary uv War, perpetooally, with the unlimited facilities
for stealin we enjoyed under Bookannon, that I wood hev
rebelled? Not any. The North druv us to it, by takin evry
wun uv the offisis.”
He woodent communikate no more, and the cirkle closed. I
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am inclined to bleeve them sperits wuz ginooine. They told a
great deal uv trooth — trooths that we can't get over. We
shel see.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXIII. “WAILETH AND CUSSETH. ”
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
December the 26th, 1864.
I've heerd from Savanner! I hev read uv it. Fancy the
feelins uv a man who hed bin for weeks spectin to heer uv
Sherman's bein entirely chawed up by the undanted Suthern
melishy!
The follerin impromptoo cuss and wale (ekally mixt) reflex
the stait uv mind uv the Dimokrasy uv this secshun: —
Hart-sick, weary, alone, bustid.
Gone-up, flayed, skinned, hung out.
Smashed, pulverized, shivered, scattered.
Physikt, puked, bled, blistered.
Sich is Dimokrasy!
Alone I sit, like Marius, among the ruins!
Alone I sit and cuss, and this is my cuss:
Cussid be Calhoon, for he interdoost us to that painted
harlot, State Rites, who sedoost us.
Cussid be Peerse, who consented to the Nebrasky bill, wich
busted us.
Cussid be Bookannon, who favored Lecompton, wich peeled us.
Cussid be Breckinridge, who woodent support Duglis, and
'lectid Linkin, wich give our post-orfises to Ablishnists.
Cussid be the post-masters — may they bekum suddenly
insane, and wildly go to trustin out postage stamps to
Dimekrats.
Cussid be Grant, and Sheriden, and Rosecrance, for they've
dun for Demokrasy.
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Cussid be them ez went in the army Dimekrats, and cum out
Ablishnists. (Wich is a epidemic.)
Cussid be Vallandigum, wich went a practisin law, leevin
me in the Dimokrasy biznis alone, without any capital to
run on.
[SPESHLY HOT.]
Cussid be Sherman, for he took Atlanta.
And he marcht thro the Confedrisy, and respected not the
feelins uv ennybody.
His path wuz, like Moses's, lit with pillars uv fire and smoke,
only the fire and smoke wuz behind him.
His path is a desert — lo, the voice uv the Shanghy is heerd
not in all the land.
And the people in the South lift up ther voices and weep,
becoz their niggers are not.
And he took Savanner, and cotton enuff to hev satisfied
Bookannon's cabinet.
And he turns his eyes towards Charleston, and is seriously
thinkin uv Richmond.
He started with three-score thousand — he stopped with
three-score and ten.
The wind bloweth where it listeth — he listeth where he
goeth.
As the lode-stone is to steel, so is his steel to the Georgia
nigger — it draweth him on.
Who will save us from the fury uv this Sherman? who will
deliver us from his hand?
Johnston he beat, Hood he fooled, and Wheeler he flogged.
Lee wood do it; but he's holdin Grant, and can't let go
uv him.
So he cavorts ez he wills, a yearlin mule with a chestnut
burr under his tail.
Bitter in the mouth uv a Dimekrat is quinine, bitterer is gall,
but more bitterer is Fedral victories.
We hev bin fed on victories lately, and our stumick turns.
Played out is Davis, and Dimokrasy hez follered soot.
The Dimokrasy is turnin war-men — they are bowin the knee
to Linkin.
-- 160 -- p635-173
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Voorhees will yet be a Briggadeer, and Vallandigum will
cry aloud for war uv exterminashen, and Fernandywood will
howl for drafts.
For tho John Brown's body lies all mouldy in the grave, his
sole is a marchin on.
I ain't the rose uv Sharon, nor the lilly uv the valley — I'm
the last uv the Copperheds!
I bilt my politikle house on sand — it hez fell, and I'm under
the ruins.
Uv pollitix I wash my hands, I shake its dust orf my few
remainin garments.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXIV. RENOUNCES SLAVERY.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
January the 15th, 1865.
*“The wages uv sin is death.” Sich is the substance uv a
passage uv Skripter, wich, sence my exile to this lonely shore,
hez bin my solace. How troo the remark! How fearfully
hez it bin realized!
The anshent Dimokrasy owned this guverment, and mite hev
hed it to day. But then they wuz a richus set. They wuzn't
dissipatid. They didn't run after harlots. Jaxon, and Benton,
and Silas Write, and sich men, who wuz men, kept us strate.
But wen they went to their respective rewards, another class
uv men occupied us. Jim Bookannon and Jeff Davis took
hold uv the Dimekratic kite, tore off its time-honored tale,
Ekal Rites, and substitootid Slavery. The result is before the
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[figure description] Page 161.[end figure description]
world. Dimokrasy is in the mud, and the Ablishnists hev the
post-orfises. Alass!
In the olden time we used to hear this song: —
“Ho! the car uv emansipashen
Is rollin grandly thro the nashen.”
I've seen the car. It's on two wheels, and carries balls from
6 to 500 pounds in wate. Sherman rode it into Savanner
tother day.
The harder the work yoo do for the devil, the more death
yoo git for wages. We labored faithfully in the service uv
slavery. We dismist our conshenses, went back on our record,
swore black wuz white, and vicy versy, even goin so fur ez to
go into two wars to perpetuate it. What is the result?
Linkin hez abolisht it by proclamation. His blood-coated
hirelins hev abolisht it, niggers and all, wherever they hev
gone, and they hev made sum rather extensive toors. And,
finally, the Confederasy, wich wuz institcoted to preserve it, is
purposin to throw it overboard ez the price uv recognishen,
and this they do without stoppin to enquire wat is to bekum
uv us Northern Dimekrats, who hev tied ourselves to it.
So reckless sailors fling overboard a priceless cargo, to save
a worthless hulk. So Jonah wuz histed into the bilin waves,
to save a set uv mariners who wuz not prophets. Wood, O
wood that I, like him, cood be gobbled by some friendly whale,
who wood, in doo time, vomit me out on dry land.
Slavery wuz a huge Juggernaut. Jest so long ez we Northern
Dimekrats lade flat in the mud afore its wheels, we wuz
not injured, but merely shoved further into the mire, puttin us,
however, in the eggsact posishun to ketch the ile that dript
frum the axels. But it finally mashed us.
Ez for me, I am done. I'm a anti-slavery man from this time
out. My conshence won't allow me to support it no longer,
and, besides, it don't pay. Ez the sole survivin leader uv the
Dimokrasy, I shel immejitly ishoo a circular, instructin uv em
to make this change uv front.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n28* In 1865 the leaders of the Democracy of the Northern States were puzzled
as to the proper course to take to keep life in the organization. A very large
number insisted upon renouncing slavery altogether.
-- 162 -- p635-175
LXV. LAMENTETH.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
January the 28th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 162.[end figure description]
The waters uv fanaticism coverd all the land, and the Dimekratik
ark wuz a floatin thereon.
And Peerse and Vallandigum, and Vorhees and Bright, and
Micklellan and Booel, two and two, wuz therein, and wuz tired.
I am a dove, a peace dove.
I wuz sent out uv the ark to find a restin-place, but I cood
find no rest for the sole uv my foot.
For ther wuz no abatin uv the flood.
In November our ark restid on Aryrat, and there it is, stuck,
and we are dolefully looking out uv the winders.
Afore us, behind us, and on both sides uv us, we see our
enemies, gorjusly drest in purple and fine linen, and a holdin
the orfisis.
They hev post-orfisis, and custom-houses, and furrin mishns,
and collectorships, and et settrys, wich is our principles.
Strandid on the mountain-top, we set, and set, and set.
Wendell Phillips pecks at our heads, and Horris Greely
stampeth on our corns, and lo! our hands is tied.
From our mountin-top we see the armies goin forth to battle,
and we behold the discomfiture uv our friends.
And we make faces at our enemies.
Sayin, Yet a little while, and England and France shel
interfere.
The provo-marshel roameth up and down the land, seekin
whom he may conscript, and nobody dares bust him.
And we make faces.
All who pass by clap their hands; they hiss and wag their
heds at us, sayin: Is these Dimokrasy? Is them the sons uv
Jaxson?
And we make faces.
Two dollars is the tax upon whisky, and the tongue uv the
sucker cleaveth to the roof uv his mouth for thirst; the young
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bummer asks for nips, but no man poureth out till he observeth
the currency.
They that did drink juleps are down to corn-joose, and they
that delighted in new whisky are burnin their bowels with
camphene.
The mole is blind, but not more blinderer than we.
When the men uv the South drew the sword, why did we
jine ourselves to em?
Why did we try eatin fire, whose mouth wuz made for
cheese? Why did we tie ourselves to a corpse?
Who shel deliver us? Who shel take us out uv the hands
uv our enemy?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXVI. DETAILS THE FAILURES OF THE DEMOCRACY.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
February the 10th, 1865.
People is queer! Humanity, pertiklerly Amerikin humanity,
viewed from a Dimekratik standpint, is a inscrootable mystery.
To the undersined it's a staggrer. For instance.
The normal instinks uv mankind is not to work. Dimokrasy
hez bin a holdin out to the Amerikin people the priceless boon
uv nigger slavery — the onspeakable happinis uv hevin others
sweat for em — uv passin a lifetime a suckin mint-juleps thro
straws, and smokin ten-cent cigars, on the work uv others. It
wuz rejectid.
I wuz a thinkin the matter over to-nite, and I wuz shockt at
the remarkable yoonanimity with wich every distinktive measure
proposed by the Dimokrasy hez bin repoodiated by the
people.
We told em the South wood rebel, ef they voted for Linkin.
They voted for Linkin.
-- 164 -- p635-177
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We told em greenbax and guverment bonds wood be entirely
worthless. They take the greenbax, and subscribe for the
bonds with a loosenis onparalleled.
We told em they cood never whip the South. They went in
and are whippin the South, with neatnis and dispatch.
We warned em agin drafts, and sich. They go and vote for
drafts — indeed, I heerd wun recreant Dimekrat observe that
he rather liked a draft wunst or twict per annum, they varied
the monotony. “And then,” sed he, “a feller feels so good
when he finds he ain't drawd.”
We told em the war wood go on ef Linkin wuz re-electid.
They went and re-electid Linkin.
We told em that any interference with slavery wood rooin
North and South. They abolisht it in a lump.
In short, the peeple is crazy. Watever the Dimokrasy
endorses, the peeple reject; watever the Dimokrasy recommends,
the peeple condemn. I'm convinst uv the trooth uv
the Millerite doctrine — the end uv the world is at hand.
Ez for me, I care not how soon it comes. Life is not measured
by yeers. I am three score in yeers, but I hev consoomed
enuff whisky for a man uv a hundred. Therefore I am ready.
Whenever the Dimokrasy finally pegs out, I want to go likewise,
for with it my mission is ended.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXVII. MR. NASBY AND HIS FRIENDS HOLD A MEETING ON THE FALL OF CHARLESTON.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
February the 23d, 1865.
*Ther are but a very few troo Dimekrats left in this sekshun
uv Noo Jersey — very few. The young wuns hev all enlistid
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[figure description] Page 165.[end figure description]
and turned Ablishnists, and the old wuns are peggin out with
delirium tremens. The whisky we git now-a-days burns our
coppers out feerfully.
A few uv us, whose stumicks is trooly glass, met last nite to
shed a teer or two over the fall uv Charleston. Square Potts,
who hez bin the reglar chairman for this county for thirty
years, took the chair, on his own motion, weepin perfoosely.
Obed Peasly, who is our ex-offisho secretary, bein the only
wun in this visinity who kin rite, took his seet, without a
motion, a weepin profoosely.
The rest uv the awjence moved that they be vice-presidents,
wich wuz carried, and they took their seats as sich, weepin
perfoosely.
Here a hitch occurred — there wuz nobody left for committee
on resolushens. Three uv the vice-presidence promptly resined
and wuz elected ez sich committee, when they (weepin perfoosely)
reported the follerin, wich the secretary had previously
rit: —
Wareas, Charleston, the only place on the continent wher
pure Dimokrasy abidid, hez follerd Atlanty and Savanner, and
fallen into the hands uv Ablishn hirelins; and
[Here the secretary paused, that the floor mite be mopt.]
Wareas, The prospect is lively for Richmond, and the rest
uv the Confederasy, follerin soot; therefore, be it
Resolvd, That we emphatically and unreservedly protest
agin a further continooance uv this unholy, unconstooshnel,
unmittigatid, and sooicidle war.
Resolvd, That we now maintain what we hev alluz assertid,
that eight millions uv free white men can't be subjoogatid at
any price.
Resolvd, That we congratulate our heroic brethren uv the
South, who is strugglin for ther rites, upon the successful
evacuation uv Atlanty and Savanner and Charleston, becoz,
hevin them places less to defend, they kin consentrate sumwhere
else to better advantige.
Resolvd, That the slowness uv England and France at
interferin, deserves our reprehenshun, and that ef they are
ever goin to do it, now's the time.
Resolvd, That them Dimekrats who let on they feel ez good
-- 166 --
[figure description] Page 166.[end figure description]
ez the Ablishnists do over these victrys, is unworthy the name.
We warn em that it ain't no yoose. The Ablishnists have
enuff strate-outers uv their own to hold all orfises, and that turnin
into war-men, at this late day, is ruther too fishy to fool even
the blindest uv em.
Resolvd, That we damnd the war at the beginnin, and that
we, uv Noo Jersey, damn it now, and will so continyoo to the
end uv the chapter, bein conservative and terribly sot in
our way.
Resolvd, That callin out 300,000 fresh men to fite our
eggsaustid Suthern brethrin, is not only unchivalrous, but is
takin a mean advantage uv a noble people, and that we hereby
demand uv Linkin that he revoke the order.
Resolvd, That such uv us ez are draftid shel hev the
privilige uv choosin whether they will die in their own door-yards,
or run to Canady. We onhesitatingly recommend the
latter course, providin alluz, they kin git back afore the next
eleckshun.
The resolushuns were, uv course, adoptid — the cheerman,
ez is the custom here wen he wants resolutions past, only
puttin the affirmative side. After wich I felt a call to speak,
and I did so, remarkin:
That the loosness with wich teers wuz bein shed, showd that
the heart uv the Dimokrasy wuz touched; that I wuz glad to
se em flow, becoz it showd how clost a feelin eggsistid atween
the Dimokrasy, North and South. But there wuz really no
cause for teers.
The triumphs the Ablishnists hed gained wuz no advantages.
Charleston hed fallen, it wuz troo. While I regretted the hard
necessity, I wuz trooly glad uv it. The feelings uv them
peeple hed bin hurt, no doubt. But wat uv that? It wuz
easier to let go uv Charleston than to hold on to it. They
coodent hold that city any more than they cood Atlanty and
Savanner, and, therefore, strategy required its surrender. The
good uv the Confedrisy required that they should leave, and O,
my brethren, with wat alacrity they obeyed the call. They
may find it necessary to resine Richmond. Shel we therefore
be cast down? Not any. I see Lee's strategy. He calculates
on givin up all them towns. Grant and Sherman will hev to
-- 167 -- p635-180
[figure description] Page 167.[end figure description]
leave a garrison in each uv em, until ther armies is all divided
up into garrisons; then comes the crisis. He takes them small
garrisons, one at a time, and gobbles em. That's his ijee, I make
no doubt. Let us, my brethren, keep a stiff upper lip. The
more territory Sherman gits, the wuss he is orf. I wate
impashently to heer uv his marchin on, feelin that at last Lee
will whale him.
I concludid, leavin em in good humor. Takin advantage uv
the feelin, I borrered sum eight dollars uv twelve uv em, wich,
with wat credit I hev establisht here, will keep me runnin
some time.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n29* The more virulent sympathizers with the Rebellion in the North insisted
that the fall of Charleston was “the best thing that could have happened to the
South,” and for the reason given in the text.
LXVIII. LAMENTETH OVER THE APOSTASY OF THE SAINTS.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
March the 13th, 1865.
*I hev peroosed the papers agin.
To me, noosepapers is pizen, and the telegraph wuss than
watered whisky.
For they bring tidings uv evil to me, and tidings uv grate
joy to the Ablishnists.
Wilmington hez follered Charleston, and Columby is a mass
uv rooins.
Sherman hez gone and did it agin, and Bragg succumbs to
Schofield.
Lee is in Richmond like a rat in a cistern — he can't git out,
and it's shoor death to stay in.
Weepin I can't do, for my water-works hev given out from
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too much yoose; cussin is uv no avail, for I can't do justis to
the subject.
And the household uv the faithful hev apostatized — they
bow the knee to the Moloch Linkin.
Wher is them who bought revolvers to resist the drafts?
Lo! them ez live in Noo Hampsheer is filin affidavits that
they bought em to plant corn, by shootin the kernels atween
the cracks uv the stuns in their fields, ez is the custom uv the
country.
Them ez live in the West sware great oaths that they bought
em to shoot rats with.
Wher is them ez swore solemn oath, in their lodges, to give
neither man nor dollar for the war?
Lo! they shell out their hundreds to draft funds, and are
busy gettin substitoots.
Wher is them who swore ef they had to go, they wood shoot
North?
Lo! they wuz drafted, and they went like lambs to the
slawter, and are now enthoosiastic in the killin uv their
Suthern brethern.
Wher is them who swore no nigger shood cum North?
Verily, the contraband sweateth on their farms at twelve
dollars per month — for his labor they hug him to their
buzzums.
Wher is them who propheside that greenbax wood be wuthless,
and swore they would never take em?
Lo! they sell their hosses, and their wheat, and their lands,
and will reseeve in pay therefor nuthin else; they hoard em
close, ez the hat will show that goeth around at the close uv
my lectures.
Where is them who contributed to the support uv Vallandigum?
In my distress I asked wun uv em for a single quarter,
and he bade me be damned.
There is no faith in mankind — there is none troo — no, not
wun.
The party hez flickered out — it standeth not up in its
strength — it hez no more backbone than an eel.
In disgust I spit upon it — in my wrath I leave it to its fate.
-- 169 -- p635-182
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Vallandigum and Voorhees hev gone into the law; I shel
embark into bounty-jumpin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Pastor uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n30* The succession of victories won by the Federal armies wrought a wonderful
change in the Northern Democratic mind. All who had not committed
themselves too publicly, suddenly became war men.
LXIX. THE FALL OF RICHMOND AND LEE'S SURRENDER.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
April the 10th, 1865.
I survived the defeat uv Breckinridge in 1860, becoz I
knowd the Dimokrasy cood raise up in arms agin the unconstooshnality
uv electin a seckshnal President, who wuz impregnatid
with any seckshnal ijees that he got north uv Mason and
Dixon's line.
I survived the defeat uv Micklellan (who wuz, trooly, the
nashen's hope and pride likewise), becoz I felt ashoored that
the rane uv the goriller Linkin wood be a short wun; that in a
few months, at furthest, Ginral Lee wood capcher Washinton,
depose the ape, and set up there a constooshnal guverment,
based upon the great and immutable trooth that a white man is
better than a nigger.
I survived the loss uv Atlanty, and Savanner, and Charleston,
becoz, dependin on Suthern papers, I bleeved that them
places wuz given up — mind, given up — becoz the Confedrits
desired to concentrate for a crushin blow.
I survived the fall uv Richmond, tho it wuz a staggerer;
becoz I still hed faith that that grate and good man, Lee, did it
for stratejy, that he mite concentrate hisself sumwhere else;
and when the Ablishnists jeered me, and sed “Richmond,” and
“Go up, bald head,” to me, I shook my fist at em, and sed,
“Wait, and you'll see.”
I wuz a lookin for the blow that wuz to foller this concentratin.
It cum!
But it wuz us who reseeved it, and a death blow it wuz.
-- 170 -- p635-183
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Ajacks defied the litenin; cood he hev bin a Northern Dimekrat,
and stood this lick unmoved, he mite hev done it with
perfect safety.
“Lee surrendered!”
Good hevins! Is this the end uv the concentratin? Is this
the dyin in the last ditch? Is this the fightin till the last man
wuz a inanimate corpse? Is this the bringin up the childrin
to take their places, ez the old ones peg out under Yankee
bullets?
“Lee surrendered!”
Why, this ends the biznis. Down goes the curtain. The
South is conkered! CONKERED!! CONKERED!!! Linkin rides
into Richmond! A Illinois rail-splitter, a buffoon, a ape, a
goriller, a smutty joker, sets hisself down in President Davis's
cheer, and rites despatches! Where are the matrons uv Virginia?
Did they not bare their buzzums and rush onto the
Yankee bayonets that guarded the monster? Did they not
cut their childern's throtes, and wavin a Confedrit flag in one
hand, plunge a meat-knife into their throbbin buzzums with
the tother, rather than see their city dishonored by the tread
uv a conkerer's foot? Alars! not wunst.
Per contrary! I read in the papers that they did rush
wildly thro the streets, with their childern in their arms.
But it wuz at the Yankee commissary trains, who give em
bread and meat, wich they eat vociferously.
Their buzzums was bare.
But it wuz becoz their close hed worn out, and they didn't
know how to weave cloth for new wuns.
In breef, they actid about ez mean ez a Northern Dimekrat
ever did, and to go lower is unnessary.
This ends the chapter. The confederasy hez at last concentratid
its last concentrate. It's dead. It's gathered up its feet,
sed its last words, and deceest. And with it the Dimokrasy
hez likewise given up the ghost. It may survive this, but I
can't see how. We staked our politikle fortune on it; we
went our bottom dollar on it; it's gone up, and we ditto. Linkin
will serve his term out — the tax on whiskey won't be
repealed — our leaders will die off uv chagrin, and delirium
tremens, and inability to live so long out uv offis, and the sheep
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will be scattered. Farewell, vane world. I'll embrace the
Catholic faith and be a nun, and in a cloister find that rest that
pollytics kin never give.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXX. THE ASSASSINATION.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
April the 20th, 1865.
*The nashen mourns! The hand uv the vile assassin hez bin
raised agin the Goril — the head uv the nashen, and the people's
Father hez fallen beneath the hand uv a patr — vile
assassin.
While Aberham Linkin wuz a livin, I need not say that I did
not love him. Blessed with a mind uv no ordinary dimensions,
endowed with all the goodness uv Washinton, I alluz bleeved
him to hev bin guilty uv all the crimes uv a Nero.
No man in Noo Jersey laments his untimely death more than
the undersined. I commenst weepin perfoosely the minit I
diskivered a squad uv returned soljers comin round the corner,
who wuz a forcin constooshnel Dimekrats to hang out
mournin.
Troo, he didn't agree with me, but I kin overlook that — it
wuz his misforchoon. Troo, he hung unoffendin men, in Kentucky,
whose only crime wuz in bein loyal to wat they deemed
their guverment, ez tho a man in this free country coodent
choose wich guverment he'd live under. Troo, he made coldblooded
war, in the most fiendish manner, on the brave men uv
-- 172 --
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the South, who wuz only assertin the heaven-born rite uv roolin
theirselves. Troo, he levied armies, made up uv pimps, whose
chiefest delite wuz in ravishin the wives and daughters uv the
South, and a miscellaneous burnin their houses. Troo, he kept
into offis jist sich men ez wood sekund him in his hell-begotten
skeems, and dismist every man who refused to becum ez depraved
ez he wuz. Troo, he wood read uv these scenes uv
blood and carnage, and in high glee tell filthy anecdotes; likewise
wood he ride over the field uv battle, and ez the wheels
uv his gorjus carriage crushed into the shuddrin earth the
bodies uv the fallen braves, sing Afrikin melodies. Yet I, in
common with all troo Dimekrats, weep! We weep! We wish
it to be distinkly understood, we weep! Ther wuz that in him
that instinktively forces us to weep over his death, and to
loathe the foul assassin who so suddenly removed so much
loveliness uv character. He hed ended the war uv oppression—
he hed subjoogatid a free and brave people, who were strugglin
for their rites, and hed em under his feet; but I, in common
with all Dimekrats, mourn his death!
Hed it happened in 1862, when it wood hev been uv sum
use to us, we wood not be so bowed down with woe and anguish.
It wood hev throwd the guverment into confusion, and probably
hev sekoored the independence uv the South.
But, alas! the tragedy cum at the wrong time!
Now, we are saddled with the damnin crime, when it will
prodoose no results. The war wuz over. The game wuz up
when Richmond wuz evacuated. Why kill Linkin then? For
revenge? Revenge is a costly luxury — a party so near bankrupt
ez the Dimokrasy cannot afford to indulge in it. The
wise man hez no sich word ez revenge in his dictionary — the
fool barters his hope for it.
Didst think that Linkin's death wood help the South? Linkin's
hand wuz velvet — Johnson's may be, to the eye, but to
the feel it will be found iron. Where Linkin switched, Johnson
will flay. Where Linkin banished, Johnson will hang.
Davis wuz shocked when he heard it — so wuz I, and, in
common with all troo Dimekrats, I weep.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n31* The northern secessionists had, from the beginning, represented President
Lincoln as worse than a brute. The leading men of the party were in a peculiar
situation at his death. The loyal people compelled them to conceal the
satisfaction they felt at his tragical taking off. Like the Parson, they “wept
profusely the moment they saw a squad of returned soldiers coming round
the corner.”
-- 173 -- p635-188
LXXI. “MAKES A DELEGASHUN UV HISSELF, ” AND VISITS THE PRESIDENT.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
May the 21st, 1865.
[figure description] Page 173.[end figure description]
*All the Staits uv the North, and the heft uv em recently
subjoogatid, all the societies, associashuns, and churches that
ever I heerd uv, hev sent delegashuns for the purpese uv
volunteerin advice to Johnson, the new President. Feelin that
Noo Jersey shood not be behind in the advice biznis, I elected
myself a delegashun, borrered a clean shirt, and traveled to
Washinton. I wuz announct ez “a delegashun from Noo Jersey,”
and wuz to-wunst usherd into the presence.
“Wher is the delegashun?” ejakoolated the President:
“hurry em up, for I've thirteen more to reseeve this afternoon.”
“Androo Johnson,” sed I, impressively, “I represent Noo
Jersey, a Stait that hez just dun honor to the deceest President.”
“Troo,” returned he; “sich States honor patriots — after
they are dead.”
“I resent the insinooashun, with scorn. Ez proof that the
murder uv the President wrung the popular heart uv Noo Jersey,
let me say, sir, that the Camden and Amboy Directors, at
a meetin called for the purpose, absolootely votid to carry the
corpse uv the deceest President over the road for half-fare! a
honor never before accordid to any livin er dead individjooal.
But let that pass. Noo Jersey needs no speshl pleader. Ther
she stands. Look at her — ef yoo hev a microscope.
“I come, Androo, ez a original Dimekrat, who, whatever
other sins he may hev committed, never skratcht his tickit er
dilooted his whisky. In behalf uv that Dimokrasy I speak.
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“Ez hez bin menshund to yoo wunst er twict, a immense
responsibility rests on yoor sholders. The Suthern States
struggled for their rites, but were squelcht. They fought like
heroes, but fell, becoz uv overpowerin numbers agin em.
They're down — yoor iron heel is onto their necks. What will
yoo do? Will yoo grind em, er will yoo be magnanimus?
“Wunst we wuz a happy nashen, and we kin be so agin —
it rests with yoo. Yoo must consiliate the Dimokrasy. Our
party North is magnanimus. We stand ready to forgive
yoo for hevin draftid us, for hevin taxt us to support a unconstooshnel
war, providin you'll stop now. Woo our Suthern
brethrin back with gentle words. They are a high-sperited
and sensitive race, that kin never be subjoogatid. Take em
agin to your buzzum, and don't hoomiliate em by degradin condishuns.
Give em a chanse to forgive us for whalin uv em.
Restore their niggers, pay ther war debt, invite Magoffin, and
Vance, and Brown, and the rest uv the guverment back to their
various capitols — give Lee, and Johnson, and Boregard ther
posishuns in the reglar army, and penshun the disabled Confedrit
heroes.
“Ther mustn't be no hangin. You've got that unfortnit
statesman, Davis — he fell into yoor hands becoz he wuz ignorant
uv the style uv yoor (late Linkin's) minions. He mite
hev knowd that the soljers never saw a woman takin to the
woods without chasin her. But he must not be hung. Dimockrasy
looks upon the matter thus: —
“Yoo can't hang a man for conspirin agin a guverment onless
he takes up arms.
“Ef a few take up arms it's only a riot, and no hangin matter,
'cept when Ablishnists, like John Brown, do it. In sich
cases hangin is alluz in order.
“Ef a number uv staits do it, it's a revolooshen, and them
ez yoo capcher must be treated ez bellyjiggerants and prisoners
uv war. To hang prisoners uv war, Androo, is murder.
“This would probably satisfy the South. At the North less
is required. The Dimokrasy is easily conciliated. Give our
leaders enuff uv the offisis to support em, with the privilege
uv managin things to soot us, and the trouble is ore. On them
terms we'll support yoor Administrashen, or any other man's,
-- 175 -- p635-190
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cordially and heartily, and peace will agin wave her white
pinions over the land, and will continyoo to wave em ontil the
Suthern heart is agin fired.
“I hev dun — Noo Jersey hez spoke.”
I rather spect my words will bear froot. Look out for a
change uv policy.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n32* On the accession of Vice President Johnson to the executive chair delegates
from all sections, and from all sorts of associations, poured into the Executive
mansion to assure him of their patriotic co-operation, and to offer suggestions
as to the course he should pursue. The suggestions advanced by Southern
and Northern Democratic delegations were all in one direction. They urged
“conciliation,” of such a character as would have left the South more completely
in control of the politics of the country than before the Rebellion.
LXXII. HAS A VISION.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
May the 31st, 1865.
Dreams wuz common in the old skriptooral times, and wuz
considered ez prophetikle. I hed a dreem last nite, wich may
or not mean suthin. Ef it may, Lord help the undersined, is
my prayer, continooally.
I dreamed I wuz dead — that, assistid by a typhus fever
and two doctors, I hed busted the bonds uv mortality, and hed
sored to the unknown hereafter. Up I went to the gates uv
the tother world, wher I wuz confronted by Peter.
“Wher yoo from?” sez he.
“Noo Jersey,” sez I.
“Wuz yoo a good cittizen?” sez he.
“I wuz a Dimekrat who never scratcht a tickit,” sez I.
“Hev yoo votid that tickit for the last four years, and kin
yoo read?” sez he.
“I hev and kin,” sez I.
“Then yoor place is below,” sez he. “Git.”
Wich I did. I met his Majesty, Satan the I., at his door, and
he welcomed me corjelly. I wuz disappointed in his personal
appearance. He wuz a middle-aged man, gentlemanly in style,
resemblin Jeff'son Davis very much, only hevin a more intellectooal
cast uv countenance.
-- 176 --
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“Welcome,” sez he. “I hev bin spectin yoo sum time.”
“Hev yoo many uv the Dimokrasy with yoo,” sez I.
“Not many uv the ginooine Copperheds,” sez he.
“Uv course, yoo hevn't,” sez I; “we average ez good ez —”
“That's not it,” sez he, gazin onto me with a expreshun uv
intense fondness, “that's not jist it. All but about ten or
eleven from each county git out by pleadin ignorance, and
idiocy, and sich. But it's all rite. I make it up by hevin a
heavier force to spare to stir up the few leaders. Yoo kin read
print, can't yoo?” he askt anxshusly.
“I kin,” sez I.
“All rite,” sez he. “Jefferson Davis will be along in a few
months, tho ef he don't show more man than he did when he
wuz caught, he'll make poor amusement.”
“He's a disgrace to his sex — he ort to hev bin a woman,”
sez I.
“Troo,” retorts he; “but, ez Shakspeer sez, `there's a
divinity that shapes our ends.' Then Alec Stephens!”
“Will yoo git him? He wuz originally opposed to seceshn.”
“That's my best holt. Davis wuz alluz a secesh; Benjamin
wuz, becoz he thot it wood pay — on them I've hed a morgage
ever sence they arrived at the years uv accountability. Stephens
knowd seceshn wuz wrong — he can't pleed ignorance
nor nuthin, for he warnd his people agin it, and then wuz bot
up into doin it hisself for the poor privilege uv playin second
fiddle to Jeff Davis, who drawd a mizrable bow hisself. I've
dead wood on him.”
“Tell me, gentle sir,” sez I, “how about Fernandywood,
Vallandigum, et al., ez the lawyers say.”
“In doo time they're mine,” sez he. “They can't save
themselves by repentance, even. They are now past forty,
and ef they'd commence in dead earnest, tryin to do ez much
good ez they hev bad, and lived till they wuz ez old ez Methoozeler,
they couldn't make a commencement toward balancin
the books. By the way, speekin uv Methooseler, I hed
to wate pashently for customers in them days, when men lived
900 years.
“There's Corry, Colorado Jewet, and Garret Davis,” continnerd
he, “I've hed my eye on. Jewet and Corry I'll lose
-- 177 --
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— there's a place outside uv my jurisdicshen for sich. They
ain't responsible, yoo see. The devils that wuz cast out uv the
man and took refuge in the swine, left the swine when they
wuz drowned, and hev inhabited many men sence. Two uv
em are in Corry and wun in Jewet, to-day. Garret Davis hez,
evry now and then, a glimrin uv sense; he shows, occasionally,
surface indicashens uv intelleck, not quite enuff for a lunatic,
and too much for a ideot. I may git him, and may not. But
yoo will hev plenty uv company. The stand yoor party took,
druv thousands uv men into cussednis, who knowd better, and
who, ef let alone, wood hev dodged me. I hev an eye on sum
who denounst Vallandigum, and yet, when the screws wuz brot
down onto em — and, by the way, jist sich ez yoo turnd them
sed screws (and he pokt me jockularly in the ribs) — actually
presided at Vallandigum meetins, and voted for him. Then,
after he wuz defeetid, they swore they didn't vote for him at
all, addin a dirty lie to the original sin, wich is givin the devil
(ez yoo style me) his due, with compound interest.
“But excuse me — I'll show yoo to yoor apartmence. This
way, my dear sir.”
I objected to goin, and looked anxshusly around for a escape.
Observin this, a change come o'er this polite gentleman afore
me. His eyes glistend, a sulphurus stream ishood from his
mouth, his feet partid into hoofs, his fingers elongatid into claws.
I observed a tail peepin down under his coat; in short, he wuz
transformed into the identicle devil I hed seen on several
occashens, when laborin under attacks uv delirium tremens,
sooperindoost by drinkin a barrel or so too much elecshun
whisky, doorin hotly-contestid campanes. He reecht one claw
for me, when I awoke. To say I wuz rejoiced at findin myself
still on prayin ground, is weak — 'twuz joy onspeekable. I
can't interprit the dream.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 178 -- p635-193
LXXIII. LAYS DOWN A PLATFORM FOR THE COMING CAMPAIGN.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
June the 23d, 1865.
[figure description] Page 178.[end figure description]
*These is the dark days uv the Dimokrasy. The misforchoons
that befell our armies in front uv Richmond, the fall uv our
capital, follered by the surrender uv our armies to Grant and
Sherman, hez hurt us. Our leaders are either pinin in loathsome
dunguns, incarseratid by the hevin-defyin, man-destroyin,
tyrannical edix uv our late lamented President, or are baskin in
the free air uv Italy and Canady. We hev no way uv keepin
our voters together. Opposin the war won't do no good, for
before the next elecshun the heft uv our voters will hev diskiverd
that the war is over. The fear uv drafts may do suthin
in some parts uv Pennsylvany and Suthern Illinoy, for sum
time yit, but that can't be depended on.
But we hev wun resource for a ishoo — ther will alluz be a
Dimokrasy so long as ther's a nigger.
Ther is a uncompromisin dislike to the nigger in the mind
uv a ginooine Dimekrat. The Spanish bull-fighter, when he
wants to inflame the bull to extra cavortin, waves a red flag
afore him. Wen yoo desire a Dimekrat to froth at the mouth,
yoo will find a black face will anser the purpose. Therefore,
the nigger is, to-day, our best and only holt. Let us use
him.
For the guidance uv the faithful, I shel lay down a few plain
rools to be observed, in order to make the most uv the capital
we hev: —
1. Alluz assert that the nigger will never be able to take
care uv hisself, but will alluz be a public burden. He may,
possibly, give us the lie by goin to work. In sich a emergency,
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the dooty uv every Dimekrat is plane. He must not be
allowed to work. Associashens must be organized, pledged to
neither give him employment, to work with him, to work for
any one who will give him work, or patronize any wun who
duz. (I wood sejest that sich uv us ez hev bin forchoonit
enuff to git credit, pay a trifle on account, so ez to make our
patronage worth suthin.) This course, rigidly and persistently
follerd, will drive the best uv em to stealin, and the balance to
the poor-houses, provin wat we hev alluz claimed, that they are
a idle and vishus race. Think, my brethren, wat a inspirin
effeck our poor-houses and jails full uv niggers wood hev on
the people! My sole expands ez I contemplate the deliteful
vision.
2. Likewise assert that the nigger will come North, and
take all the good places, throwin all our skilled mechanics out
uv work by underbiddin uv em. This mite be open to two objecshuns,
to-wit: It crosses slitely rool the 1, and white men mite
say, ef there's jist enuff labor for wat's here, why not perhibit
furriners frum comin? I anser: It's the biznis uv the voter
to reconsile the contradicshun — he may beleeve either or
both. Ez to the second objeckshun, wher is the Dimekrat who
coodent be underbid, and stand it even to starvashen, ef the
underbiddin wuz dun by a man uv the proud Caukashen race?
and wher is the Dimekrat so lost to manhood ez not to drink
blood, ef the same underbiddin is dun by a nigger? The
starvin for work ain't the question — it's the color uv the
cause uv the starvashen that makes the difference.
Nigger equality may be worked agin to advantage. All men,
without distincshun uv sex, are fond uv flatrin theirselves
that somebody's lower down in the scale uv humanity than
they is. Ef 'twan't for niggers, what wood the Dimokrasy do
for sumbody to look down upon? It's also shoor to enlist wun
style uv wimmen on our side. In times gone by, I've notist
gushin virgins uv forty-five, full sixteen hands high and tough
ez wire, holdin aloft banners onto wich wuz inscribd — “Save
us frum Nigger Equality.” Yoo see it soothed em to hev a
chanse uv advertisin, 1st, That they wuz frail, helplis critters;
and, 2d, That, anshent and tough ez they wuz, some wun wuz
still goin for em.
-- 180 -- p635-195
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Ef ther ain't no niggers, central commities must furnish em.
A half dozen will do for a ordinary county, ef they're hustled
along with energy. Ef they won't steal, the central commities
must do it theirselves. Show yer niggers in a township in the
mornin, an the same nite rob the clothes-lines and hen-roosts.
Ever willin to sacrifice myself for the cause, I volunteer to do
this latter dooty in six populous counties.
These ijees, ef follered, will, no doubt, keep us together
until our enemies split, when we will reap the reward uv our
constancy and fidelity. May the Lord hasten the day.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n33* The Democracy of the North brought the negro more prominently forward
than ever at the close of the war. The certainty that the ballot would very
soon be given to that race, inflamed the lower strata of that party terribly,
which feeling its leading men made good use of.
LXXIV. MEETS A “RECONSTRUCTID SUTHERN CHIVELRY, AND HEZ CONFIDENCES. ”
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
July the 12th, 1865.
*I hev bin in Washinton, and while ther I wuz interdoost to
Gineral Marion Sumpter Fitzhoo Gusher, uv Mississippy. I
wuz anxious to meet with a representative Dimekrat uv the
South, to interchange views, to hev soothin confidences, to
unbuzzum, becoz for the past four years the Dimekratic party
hez bin trooly seckshnal, and the seckshun it hez occupied is
not the identikle seckshun onto wich the orfises is located, and
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only by a perfect union with our wunst-loved brethren uv the
South, kin we ever git onto trooly nashnel ground.
Gineral Gusher is a troo gentleman uv the real Suthern
school. He puts C. S. A. after his name onto the hotel register,
and his rings, buzzum-pin, and the head uv his cane, is all
made uv the bones uv mizrable Yankee soldiers who fell at Bull
Run — he sez by his own hand; and it must be so, for who ever
knowd a Suthern man to boast vaingloriously? We met and
embraced, weepin profoosely.
“Alass!” sobbed the Gineral, “wat a nitemare hez obscoord
our respective vishuns for the past four yeers! I wuz alluz a
Union man, alluz! alluz! alluz! The old flag I loved with
more than parental affeckshun — to me it wuz more nor life!”
“Why, then, my Ajacks,” sobbed I, “did you raise yoor
paricidle hand agin it?”
“Why, my beloved! Because MY STATE secesht, and I
wuz carried along by a torrent uv public opinion, wich I cood
not stem, and I went with her. But it's all over. We hev
awoke, and I'm here in the capital uv my beloved country,
under the shadder uv that glorious flag wich is the pride uv
Americans and the terror uv all weak nashens wich hez territories
contiguous, ready to take a oath, and resume the citizenship
I laid off, and agin run the guverment for its own honor
and glory.”
“Hev yoo a pardon?” sez I. “Methinks, wunst a paper
reecht my humble village, wich is unanimously Dimekratik —
it cum around a package uv goods from Noo York — and in
that paper I saw your name ez wun uv the offisers who killed
the niggers at Fort Pillow. Am I rite?”
“You are. I'm a gushin child uv nacher — I'm enthoosiastic.
Labrin under the same deloosion that secesht us, I bleevd at
that time that I wuz doin a good thing in killin them property
uv ours that Linkin hed shovd bloo coats onto. I hev no apologies
to offer — I am now writin a justificashen.
“I, and I speak for thousands uv the chivelrous sons uv the
South, who would like a good square meal wunst more, am
willin to be conciliated. The oppertoonity is now offered the
guverment to conciliate us. We are returnin prodigal sons —
kill yoor fatted veal, and bring out yoor gold rings and purple
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robes, and sich. We ask condishns — we shel insist on terms;
but we are disposed to be reasonable. We are willin to acknowledge
the supremacy uv the guverment, but there must
be no humiliashen. A proud, high-sperited people, like us uns,
won't stand it — no sir, we cannot. Ther must be no hangin,
no confisticashen, no disfranchisin. We are willin to step back
jest as we stept out, resoomin our old status, trustin to engineerin
to git sich other pints ez are not here enumeratid.
Without them condishns, the Union wood not be wun uv heart—
'twood be holler mockery. Wat we are goin for is a Union
founded on love, wich is stronger and more solider than muskits.
Hearts is trumps — let the platform be hearts, and all is
well.”
“But, Gineral,” sez I, “in all this wat do yoo purpose for us
Northern Dimekrats?”
“Towards em our bowels melt with love. We forgive yoo.
Ef yoo kin take the old attitood, well and good — ef not —”
“Hold!” sez I, “don't threat. A ginooine Northern Dimekrat
wants but little here below, but wants that little long.
Give him a small post-orfis, a nigger-driver to look up to, and a
nigger to look down to, and he is supremely happy. Ef a angel
in glory wuz to offer to trade places with him, harp, golden
crown and all, he wood ask odds.”
“Uv course them positions yoo kin hev — we don't want em.
All we ask is to make the platforms, and hev sich orfises ez
hawty, high-toned men kin afford to take, and yoo uns kin hev
the rest. But wun thing must be understood. The scenes uv
the Charleston Convention must never be re-enactid — there
must be no more Duglissis. Under the new dispensashun yoo
dance whenever we fiddle, askin no questions. The Suthern
heart must never agin be fired — it wood consume itself. Ez
soon ez I hev took the oath, I shel immejitly go home and run
for Congris — see to it that ye hev enuff Dimekrats ther, that
we, jintly, kin control things. Uv course, in a Union uv love,
ther must be equality. Linkin's war debt must never be paid,
onless ourn is; his hirelins must never be pensioned, unless
our patriots is. Wat a deliteful spectacle! Men who, yesterday,
wuz a gougin each other onto the field uv battle, to-day a
drawin penshuns amicably, from the same treasury! The eagle
-- 183 -- p635-198
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wood flop his wings with joy, and angels wood exclaim, `Bully!'
I am disabled from wounds received on the field, and rejoice
that our penshun laws is so libral. Go home, my friend, and
marshel for the conflict. Tell yoor central committies to collect
expense money, and I, and Ginral Forist, and Kernel
Moseby, and Champ Ferguson, and Dick Turner, and Boregard,
and perhaps that noble old hero (take off yoor hat while I pernounce
his glorious name), Ginral Robert E. Lee, will come up
and stump the North for yoor tickits. I hev done. I go.”
“Noble man,” thot I, ez he stalkt majestically away, takin, in
a abstractin manner, my new hat and umbreller, leavin his old
wuns, “who coodent foller thee, and sich ez thee, forever and
forever?”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n34* Washington was full of “General Gushers” at the close of the war, where
they received homage from their Northern friends. Their expectations were
quite as large as those of the Gusher of this letter. It was a fond dream of
many politicians, North and South, that the ancient union between the Democratic
party of the two sections could be restored, and the defeated oligarchy be
enabled to rule once more according to the old method. It was the boast of
the politicians that they would, by the use of their “brains” in management,
soon gain all they had lost by war.
LXXV. “DREAMS A DREAM. ”
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
July the 21st, 1865.
Dreams is becomin the most commonest recreation I hev. I
don't know whether these dreams is the sperit uv prophecy,
sugar-coated with sleep, or whether they are sooperindoost by
the reglar three-quarters uv a pound uv tripe I eat at about
11½ P. M.; but dreams I hev.
Last nite I dreamed that I hed bridged time, and wuz set
ahead about nine months, wich time brings forth events in
politics, ez well ez in other things too tedious to menshun.
Methot the South hed bin concilliatid and reconstructid, and
hed cum back into the sisterhood uv States, ez sisters generally
come back after a quarrel. South Caroliny wuz represented
in the House by Genral Swasher, and all the Rhetts, et
settry, and Missippy by a dozen or two kernels and genrals, for
that State sent none to Congress ceptin its heroes. Jeffson
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Davis wuz a candidate, but hevin sed, in his zeal for repudiashen,
that he wuz for repudiatin all debts, his constituency
wuz afraid that he mite inclood the Confedrit war debt, so they
defeated him, and elected Ginral McGoujum, who held that the
Fedral war debt wuz unconstooshnel, and must be repudiated,
while the Confederasy's ought to be paid ez a conciliatory
measure. The ginooine Dimokrasy uv the North hed electid
enuff members to give the South control uv Congress.
In my dream I wuz seated in the gallery uv the House. A
member from Noo York wuz introdoosin a bill appropriatin a
sum uv money for the purpose uv erectin a monument to the
memory uv the Union soljers who fell at Gettysburg. No
sooner hed the fanatic red the title uv the bill, than Ginral
McGoujum and Swasher, and Kernel Pelter, uv Georgy, walked
over to his seat, and with their canes beat him over the hed
twenty or fifteen minits. He wuz carried out for dead.
Ginral McGoujum claimed the floor.
“Mr. Speaker,” said he, “I'm bilin! Indignashen is heavin
and tossin my chivelrus sole in a most tremenjusly toomulchus
style. I am, Mr. Speaker, a citizen uv this glorious Republic.
I stand here, to-day, reconstructid and concilliatid — a loyal
man. I hev took the oath, and sence hev violated no rool or
custom uv this House. I hev drawd my pay promptly — I hev
even gone so fur in the spirit uv forgivenis and Christian charity,
ez to take that pay in greenbax, instid uv demandin gold,
notwithstandin every wun uv em bears the portrait uv that
feendish ape, that thirster after gore, that destroyer uv habis
corpusis and constooshnel rites, our late lamentid President.
After makin these sacrifices, shel I sit here camly, and allow a
negro-steelin Yankee to insult the South with allusions to
Gettysburg, and sich? Never! Shel a Noo York missegennygenashunist,
in this hall, perpose to appropriate the treasure
uv our common country to commemorate a field on wich my
constituency wuz walloped, without rebuke? Never! He
hez bin rebuked — let him heed the warnin.”
Several Ablishn members riz, but the Dimokrasy wuz firm,
and woodent let em speak. The Suthern members wuz a goin
to withdraw in a body, wen Fernandywood rose and perposed
a compermise, ez follows:
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*That harmony and good feelin shood prevale, hentzforth and
forever.
The word “war” shel never be yoosed in this hall; that,
whenever referred to, it shel be termed “misunderstandins.”
That the flags, cannon, and sich-like trophies, found by the
Federal army in various parts uv the Southern States, be to-wunst
destroyed.
That penshuns be paid to the misunderstandinists from both
secshuns, for services rendered the guverment.
That the very fields onto wich these misunderstandins
occurred, be plowed over at the expense uv the guverment.
That no book be publisht givin any account uv prison-life,
or sich.
That bunkum orators in this House draw their alloosions
to our military fame solely from the Mexikin war.
The compermise wuz uv coarse adoptid. Ez the vote wuz
announst, Ginral McGoujum and Fernandywood rusht into
each other's arms, and wept down each other's backs, while
Kernel Pelter waved a flag over em, formin a picter trooly
tetchin.
“Thank hevin,” I exclaimed, ez I awoke from this refreshin
sleep, “Brooks is dead, but his sperit still lives — his sole is
marchin on. So long ez we hev a Southern Dimokrasy to demand,
and a Northern Dimokrat to give, all will be well. Bless
the Lord!”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n35* A proposition almost identical to that attributed to Fernando Wood was seriously
advanced by the Southern press as a proper basis for the restoration of
harmony.
-- 186 -- p635-201
LXXVI. ISSUES AN ADDRESS TO THE SOUTHERN DEMOCRACY.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
July the 21st, 1865.
To the Dimokrasy uv the Suthern Staits:
[figure description] Page 186.[end figure description]
Dearly beloved, I saloot yoo!
The events uv the past four years hev bin momenchus.
The war hez ended — to a sooperfishel observer it wood seem
disastrusly to yoo and us, but to him whose eagle eye kin
pierce the misty fucher, gloriously.
Troo, we lost the orfises, and hev bin for four long and weary
years on steril ground, whose fruits wuz wormy and whose
water wuz bitter. So the childern uv Israel wandered forty
years in the wildernis, but they finally found a Canan, full uv
fatnis, runnin with milk and honey, and sich. So shel we
emerge into our Canan ere long.
The war hez hed its uses. We hev diskivered that the
Suthern Dimekrat cood be depended on to fite; yoo hev diskivered
that the Northern Dimekrat cood be depended on to
do yoor dirty work, thro thick or thin, and we hev both diskivered
that the Ablishnist is no coward, and will really make
sacrifices for principle. Knowin all this, we kin work intelligently
in the fucher.
It is the dooty now uv every Suthern Dimekrat to take the
oath to-wunst, and be metamorphosed into loyalty. Then
we've got em. Demand, ez only a Sutherner kin demand, that
the military be withdrawd, and that yoor representatives be
admitted. Then, ef we kin carry enuff deestriks North, yoo
hev the game in yoor own hand. But to accomplish this last
feat, yoo must aid us.
We hev bin unforchnit in our politikle venchers, and at least
wun uv our prophecies must cum troo, otherwise how kin we
go afore the people? The nigger is all we've left, and the variety
we hev up here is uv no yoose to us, for they are all
earnin their own livin, and ain't crowdin white folks out uv
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poor-houses, at all. It's my candid convicshun that the
grovelin cusses work and earn money jest to spite us. In
some localities, our sagashus managers hev indoost sum uv em
to drink with em, and in a few months got em into delirium
tremens, and their families into the poor-houses. To their
untutored bowels our likker is litenin. But this can't be dun
ginrally, becoz it's all our leaders kin do to keep their own
skins full. To yoo we look for aid.
A enterprisin Yankee (cusses on the race!) wuz wunst askt
wat biznis he followd to make so much money. He replied
that he hed the itch, and he traveled ahead, givin it to
people, his brother comin immejitly after, sellin a cure. Let
us imitate their wisdom. Promptly ship to each Northern stait
200,000 old niggers who can't work, and to make asshoorence
doubly shoor, starve em awhile, and run the measles and small-pox
thro em. Mix with em a few thousand black wimmen with
mulatto childern, to show the horrors uv amalgamashun. Then
we'd hev suthin to go on! Ez we carted em into the poor-houses,
and levid taxes to support em, how our speakers wood
gush! how our papers wood howl! After four years uv failyoor
in the prophecy biznis, the ijee uv hevin wun cum troo,
sets me into a delirium tremens uv joy.
Then, immejitly, yoor legislachers must pass stringent laws
agin a nigger leavin his respective county, and then pass
another law not allowin any man to give able-bodied wuns to
exceed $5 a month. This dun, I hev faith to bleeve thousands
uv em will beg to be agin enslaved, about mid winter. Ef they
will persist in dyin in freedom, we kin, at least, pint to ther
bodies, and say in a sepulkral tone: “Wen niggers wuz wuth
$1500, they wuz not allowd to die thus — behold the froots uv
Ablishn philanthropy!” Either way, it's cappital for us.
Yoo must inkulkate the doctrin uv State Rites zealuser than
ever, and while yoo are gittin yoor people tuned up on that,
we'll hammer away at debt and corrupshun, and sich deliteful
themes, and wunst more we'll git the Ablishnist under our feet.
I hev indicatid briefly the ginral outlines uv the policy we
must pursoo ef we wood succeed. Uther ijees will sejest
themselves to yoo — let us hev em, and we'll act on em.
In conclooshun. Be wary and untirin. Remember, on yoo
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depends the politikle fortunes uv the thousands who wunst
held offis, but who hev bin to grass for four long weery years.
We must succeed now or never.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashur
LXXVII. SEARCHES THE SCRIPTURES, AND GETS COMFORT THEREFROM.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
August the 11th, 1865.
The contemplashen uv the nigger, hez, in time past, given
me a great deal uv trouble. Nigger hez to me bin a incubus—
a nitemare. I never cood see why the species wuz created;
never cood I understand why they wuz put onto the face uv
the earth, any more than toads or other disgustin objects. But
last nite a lite bust onto me — I seed it all!
I wuz low-sperited and deprest. Jeff Davis a pinin in a
loathsum dungeon — the English capitalists a mournin for their
cotton-bonds, and refusin to be comforted because the Confedracy
is not — Mrs. Surratt a danglin in the air — military courts
plenty and habis corpusis scarce — the loosenis with wich
people put ther munny into 7-30's — the soljers returnin and
goin for constooshnel Dimekrats, and the ginral demoralization
uv Dimokrasy, all conspired to give me the horrors, and to
add to my distress my jug wuz out! To avoid madness, I took
up the Bible (I board with a justice uv the peace, who hez to
keep one to swear witnesses on), and happened to open at the
9th chapter uv Gennesis. Yoo know all about the blessid
chapter.
Noah, after the water went down, come down from Aryrat,
went into farmin, and planted grapes extensive. One day he
took a drink too much, and laid down with insuffishent clothin
onto him. His second son, Ham, saw him in that fix, and when
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Noah awoke, while his hair wuz still pullin, he cust him and
his posterity, and sed they shood be servants forever.
Ham (wich in the original Hebrew signifies the hind-quarter
uv a hog), wuz the father uv the Afrikins, and they hev bin
slaves ever sence.
I seed a lite to-wunst — I realized the importance uv the
nigger. He is the connectin link in the chain uv circumstances
wich led to the formashen uv the Dimekratic party. He hez
kept the blessid old macheen a runnin to this day. Observe:
Whisky (or wine, wich is the same thing) made Noah tight.
Ham saw Noah inebriated.
Noah cust Ham, wich turned him into a nigger and a servant.
That the Skripters mite be fulfilled, the childern uv Ham
wuz brot to America, to be servants here.
Wickid men set themselves agin the Skripters, and tried to
make men uv the niggers.
The Dimekratik party ariz for the purpus uv keepin the
nigger down, and that deliteful biznis hez given them employment
for more than 30 years.
Ez I shet the book I cood not help remarkin, in the words
uv the sammist, —
“Good Lord, upon what slender threads
Hang everlastin things!”
Sposin Noah, instid uv plantin grapes, hed gone to practisin
law, or into the grocery biznis, or buyin prodoose on commishn,
or puttin up patent medicines — he woodent hev got inebriated;
he woodent hev cust Ham; Ham woodent hev turned
black; there woodent hev bin no niggers, no Ablishnists, and,
consequently, no Dimekrats.
Or, sposn all uv Ham's childern hed taken diptheria, and
died; the same results wood hev follered.
Whisky made nigger — nigger made Dimokrasy. Take
away whisky and nigger, and Dimokrasy woodent be uv no
more akkount than a one-armed man at a raisin.
Whisky! Nigger! Dimokrasy! O, savory trinity!
We don't none uv us read the Skripters enuff.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 190 -- p635-205
LXXVIII. OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF SOLDIERS.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
August the 31st, 1865.
[figure description] Page 190.[end figure description]
Ther wuz wunst a doctor who hed a pashent he wuz a
physikin. While the physik wuz a workin, he changed his
mind and administerd a vomit. The pashent's stumick wuz in
wat mite be called a dilemma. The physik wuz a pullin down,
the vomit wuz a pullin up, and the poor bowels, undecided
wich to foller, allowed the disease to fasten itself, when either
wood hev expelled it. The pashent died, and I am happy to
state that his estate wuz insolvent, and the ijeotik physician
didn't git his bill.
Jest so. Dimokrasy got the stumick-ake when the war commenst.
Fernandywood administerd the peace-puke, and Micklellan
dosed it with war-physick. The pashent is nearly ded,
and neither doctor will get rich out uv the assets.
I notice all over the North, Dimekratik convenshuns are
nominatin returned soljers for offis, wherever they kin ketch
one who will accept, and ther's but little trouble, for in every
county ther's orfisers who went into the service becoz uv
pay, who Ablishnized theirselves for continyooance, and who'll
flop back to us on the most reasonable terms.
I hev personal motives for objectin. Last winter these
demons were to home on furlo. Twenty uv em cum to my
peaceful dwellin, at the dead hour uv nite, seized my venerable
form and dragged me forth. They made me kneel into the
cold snow, on my naked knees, and with one hand uplifted,
and my shirt-tale a wavin in the wind, they made me take the
oath, and drink a pint uv water. The oath give me imflammashen
uv the brain, and the water inflammashen uv the bowels,
and for six weeks I lay, a ravin maniac.
I cood overlook this, for the Dimekrat who woodent sacrifice
his aged grandmother for the party, is unworthy the name;
but I object to nominatin them, for the follerin reasons also:
1. 'Tain't honest. In 1862 I called the soljers “Linkin
-- 191 --
[figure description] Page 191.[end figure description]
purps,” and the orfisers “shoulder-strapt hirelins,” and I meant
it. They wuz wagin a cruel and unholy war agin Dimokrasy;
they wuz redoosin our majorities in the Suthern States at the
rate uv some hundreds per day, and now to nominate them, is
a flop I'll never make.
2. 'Twon't pay. These fellers sold us out when they took
commishns; they sold out the Ablishnists when they flopt back
to us, and what guaranty hev we that they won't sell us out,
the next turn uv the wheel? Ef we cood git some decent
wuns it mite do; but, good Lord! the soljer who wood do this
wood be lower down than we is, wich wood bother a man. All
the votes that sich men cood controle, we hev alluz owned in
fee-simple.
3. 'Tain't justis to us original Copperheads. We endoored
the heat and burden uv the day; we resistid drafts; we damned
taxes; we wuz Fort Lafayeted and Fort Warined; 'twas us
who died in our door-yards. Wher wuz these orfisers then?
All the damage they did the guverment wuz in drawin pay
and rashens.
4. The reconstructed Demokrasy uv the South won't like it,
and to them, after all, we must look for success.
5. They acknowledged nigger equality, by allowin niggers
to fite with em.
6. We hev gone too fur to try the soljer-dodge. We opposed
the war; we opposed ther votin; we opposed the Ablishn in
votin pay and supplies, we opposed aid societies, and laft at
sanitary commishns; we opposed drafts at a time when they
needed help; and to go back on sich a record is ruther renchin,
and I won't do it.
7. Ef we undertake the soljer, we commit ourselves to payin
his penshuns, et settry. How wood the Suthern Dimokrasy
like that?
8. Ef we nominate men who servd, we disgust the deserters
and them ez went to Canady for the sake uv the cause.
We hev capital enuff in the nigger. Let us plant ourselves
boldly on shoor ground. Let us resolve that Goddelmity wuz
rite in makin the nigger our slave, tho he made a mistake in
implantin in his heavin buzm a cronic desire to run away from
his normal condishn. Let us hang out our banner, and inscribe
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on its folds, “No marryin niggers!” “No payin a debt incurred
in a nigger war!” “Protect us from nigger equality!”
and sich other precepts ez cum within range uv the Dimekratik
intellek, and go in and win.
May the Lord hasten the day.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXIX. SUGGESTS A “PSALM OF SADNESS” FOR HIS FRIENDS SOUTH.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
September the 12th, 1865.
The utter and abject state uv cussitood into wich the Dimokrasy
find theirselves, North and South, makes a day uv
fastin approprit. Ef the Lord is ever a goin to help us, now's
his time.
Ef my clerikle brethrin uv the Church South decide to
appint a day uv fastin and prayer, I submit the follerin ez a
sam uv agony, approprit for the occasion:—
A SAM UV AGONY.
On the street I see a nigger!
On his back a coat uv bloo, and he carryeth a muskit.
He is provo-guard, and he halteth me, ez wun hevin authority.
And my tender daughter spit on him, and lo! he arrested
her, and she languisheth in the guard-house.
My eyes dwell on him, and my sole is a Artesian well uv
woe; it gusheth with grief.
For that nigger wuz my nigger! I bought him with a
price.
Alas! that nigger is out uv his normal condishn; he is a
-- --
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-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 193 --
[figure description] Page 193.[end figure description]
star out uv its speer, which sweepeth thro the political hevens,
smashin things.
Normally, he wuz wuth gold and silver — now he is a nitemare.
Wunst I wuz rich, and that nigger wuz the basis thereof.
Woe is me! I owned him, soul, body, muscles, sinews,
blood, boots, and briches.
His intelleck wuz mine, his body wuz mine, likewise his
labor and the fruits thereof.
His wife wuz mine, and she wuz my conkubine.
The normal results uv the conkubinage I sold, combining
pleasure and profit in a eminent degree.
And on the price thereof I played poker, and drank mint-juleps,
and rode in gorgus chariots, and wore purple and fine
linen every day.
Wuz this miscegenashun, or negro equality? Not any.
For she wuz mine, even as my ox, or my horse, or my sheep,
and her increase wuz mine, even as wuz theirs.
Ablishn miscegenashun elevates the nigger wench to his
level. I did it for gain, wich degraded her muchly.
And when the wife uv my buzm lifted up her voice in
complaint, sayin, “Lo, I am abused — this little nigger resembleth
thee!” half the price uv the infant chattel wood buy a
dimund pin with wich to stop her yawp.
And my boys follered in my footsteps, and grate wuz the
mix, but profitable.
But my dream is bustid.
The nigger is free, and demands wages for the work uv his
hands.
His wife is free, and she kin decide whether she'll cleave to
her husband, or be my conkubine.
Yisterday I bade her come to me, and, lo! she remarkt,
“Go 'way, white man, or I'll bust yer head.” And I gode.
Her childern are free — they are mine, likewise, but I can't
sell em on the block, to the highest bidder.
Therein Linkin sinned — he violated the holiest and highest
instincts uv our nacher; he interposed a proclamashen atween
father and child.
We took the heathen from Africa, and wuz a makin
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Christians uv em. Woe to him who stopt us in our mishnary
work.
It is written — “Kin the Ethiope change his skin?” I wuz
a changin it for him, I and my fathers, and we hed mellered it
down to a brite yaller.
Dark is my fucher.
I obeyed the grate law uv labor, ez I served in the army
by substitoot. Now shel I hev to stain my hands with labor,
or starve.
In what am I better than a Northern mudsill?
I kin git no more diamond pins for the wife uv my buzm,
and she yawpeth continually.
Arrayed in hum-spun, she wrastles with pots and kettles in
the kitchen.
Weighed down with woe, she dips snuff in silence.
She asks uv me comfort — wat kin I say, whose pockets
contain only Confedrit skrip?
Save us from Massachusits, wich is ornery and cussid.
Protect us from nigger soljers, wich is grinnin feends.
Shelter us from the ghost uv John Brown, wich is marchin
on.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXX. A HORRIBLE VISION.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
September the 20th, 1865.
Last nite, for amusement, I picked up a volume uv poems,
ritten by wun Campbell, and happened to read a piece called
“The Last Man.” It's a rather heavy piece uv writin. His
descriptive powers are rather better than mine, tho, perhaps,
ef my too partial friends ain't too partial, he is a long way
behind me in the matter uv pathetics, and in them fine touches
wich show the man uv sole and sensibility.
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Be that ez it may, the poem made an impression on me
(wich is proof that there is suthin in it), and it wuz onto my
mind ez I retired to my virchus couch.
Scarcely hed I sunk into slumber, when my viggorous
intellek, wich even the bonds uv slumber can't chain, wandered
away into the misty realms uv speckulashen. I hed the most
horrible vision that ever afflicted a sleepin man, wich the bare
recollecshun uv causes a involuntary shudder to thrill my
susceptible frame.
Methawt a epidemic startid in Africa, and come by reglar
steps through Europe, and finally reached Noo York. For a
time it raged alike among all classes uv people, and among all
colors and complexions. The proud and hawty Caucassian,
the bold and patriotic Celt, the noble red man uv the forest
(wich is pizen), all, all wuz swept away by the relentless
pestilence.
Finally, it abated. The white man and the red man begun
to escape the fangs uv death; but among the niggers it raged
wuss than ever. Thro the South it swept like a tornado,
sparin the whites but cuttin down every nigger in its path.
Ther wuz weepin and wailin. The hawty planter saw in his
nigger-quarters the brite octoroon, for whom he hed paid
$2500, and who hed solaced his hours uv relaxashen with her
charms — who hed bore him girls almost perfectly white, wich,
on account uv hevin his blood in their vanes, he hed bin able
to sell for $3000 and $4000 to other planters, whose tastes run
in that direckshun — he saw her, the objeck uv his affeckshun,
and a part uv his estate, lyin a inanimate corpse, not worth a
cent for any purpose.
Likewise he saw his robust field-hands, each wun with
sinews and muscles uv iron — the males hearty and sound,
without blemish; the females capable uv raisin a picanniny
wich wuz worth $200 ez soon ez weaned, wunst a year, and by
a little extra whippin do a year's work in the field every 12
months, stretched cold corpses in the field, the cotton unpicked,
and his last year's gamblin debts unpaid. Thus wuz disease
outragin all the finer feelins uv humanity, and destroyin relentlessly
all that made life pleasant and lovely.
Finally, nigger after nigger fell, until but two remained in
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the United States. They wuz a male and female, uv sich
perfectly healthy systems, that it seemed impossible for disease
to tetch them. When the epidemic wuz known to hev settled
down to niggers alone, the Dimokrasy held a consultation, and
fearin the race wood becum extinct, hed selected these, hed
carefully secloodid em from the world, and hed employed
twenty-four uv the most eminent medical men uv the world to
be with em constantly — each stayin an hour — that, in case
they showed any symptoms, the proper remedies mite be to-wunst
applied, afore the disease got a hold. From these two,
ef the rest wuz destroyed, it wuz hoped a new stock cood be
raised, that the dangers uv negro equality mite still be kept
afore the Amerikin people.
But all to no purpose. The unsparin pestilence smoted em,
and, notwithstandin the efforts made by the eminent physicians,
notwithstandin the prayers and groans uv the Dimokrasy —
they died!
Methawt the heavens wuz hung in black, and ominus litenins
shot athwart the skies. In the distance, low, mutrin thunders
wuz heard, and the beasts uv the forests run affrighted from
their coverts. Dray hosses dropt dead in the streets; dorgs
run wildly, with their tongues a hangin out, and the white
foam droppin from their distendid jaws. Ever and anon pale,
sickly gleams uv lite flashed across the dark, leaden-colored
clouds, givin nacher the appearence uv labrin under a severe
attack uv yaller janders.
The last nigger wuz dead!
Presently the leaders uv the Dimokrasy began to assemble.
Fernandywood cum.
“Alass!” sez he, sobbin ez tho his hart wood break, and
kissin the cold corpse — “Farewell, my hopes — a long and
last farewell! Thou wust our corner-stun; on thee we built.
Thou wust our capital, our cheefest trust. We used yoo —
we abused yoo — and in abusin yoo found our profit. Yoo
wuz ordained to be the cuss uv Ameriky — we wuz ordained
to be alluz fearful uv yoor bein our sooperior — to us wuz
entrusted the delightful task uv keepin yoo down, and us over
yoo. Our task is ended with thee. Kin we any more rally
our people to the poles, by yawpin the dangers uv nigger
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equality, when ther ain't no nigger? This, now, is a white
man's guverment — we hev nothin left to contend for, and thus
I foller thee.”
And Fernandy, who hed found a jackknife in the nigger's
vest pocket, run it into his bowels, and fell a dead corpse
across his body.
Franklin Peerse approached and wailed thus: —
“And art thou gone, last uv the Afrikins? Cood not the
avengin ministers uv death hev taken sum other race? Cood
not the noble Injin bin taken, and thou spared to Dimokrasy?
No white man feared his supremacy. Cood not the Chinese
hev bin sacrificed in thy stead? The people hed no prejoodis
agin his color. Thou wust all that made me uv yoose, and ez
thou art gone, so I go also.”
And takin the jackknife out uv Fernandy's hand, he stabbed
hisself with it, and fell dead atop uv Fernandy.
Vallandigum approached, weepin violently.
“Opposin thy elevation,” sed he, addressin the dead nigger,
“wunst made a martyr uv me, which martyrdom netted me
$30,000 in ten-cent pieces, wich I immejitly invested in 7-30
bonds issued by a tyranikle and onconstooshnal guverment.
By carryin a portrait uv thee, and exibitin it at my meetins in
the rooral deestrisks, I hev made my constituencies bile with
rage, at the ijee uv sich ez thou bein elevatid to their speer.
Like Othello, `my occupashun's gone.' Farewell, pollitics —
thou wast my pollitics. Farewell, Congris! — uv wat yoose is
a Dimekrat in Congris with no nigger to blat about? Farewell,
life! — for wat is life with no nigger to persekoot?”
And takin the jackknife from Peerse's hand, he recklessly
plunged it into his bowels, and fell across Peerse.
Brite, uv Injeany; Richardson, uv Illinoy; Seymour, uv Noo
York; Florence, uv Pennsilvany, and all the leeders uv the
party uv the North, without exception, cum up, and, makin
similar orashuns, used the jackknife in like style — fallin across
each other ez four-foot wood is corded.
Gineral Slocum, uv Noo York, hed a good mind to do the
same thing; but he conclooded he cood turn a somerset out uv
the party ez easy ez he somersetted into it, and he didn't.
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Filled with anguish uv the heaviest descripshun, and fully
appreciatin the feelins uv the noble men who woodent survive
their party, I caught the jackknife, and, throwin myself into a
attitood — sich ez I hev seen Forist come, when, in Othello, he
stabs hisself — I wuz on the pint uv makin it acquaintid with
my intestines, when I happened to observe a quart-bottle
stickin out uv the nigger's coat pocket. Droppin the knife, I
seezed it, and in two gulps swallered the contents. The room
spun round and round, and, eggsaustid, I fell senseless across
the dead sooicides. Jest then Horis Greely entered the room.
Holdin up both hands, he exclaimed, —
“Ez it wuz in the beginnin, so it is in the endin. Behold Dimokrasy! —
nigger at the bottom, whisky at the top, and a stink
in the middle. We're rid uv two great cusses to-wunst!”
And, instid uv punchin his stumick with the knife, he
shuffled out uv the room, holdin his nose.
I awoke, in a feverish sweat, shreekin wildly. So vivid wuz
the scene I hed dreamed, that I found it impossible to sleep,
and all that long nite I walked the floor in agony.
Wuz the dream prophetik? Is there any danger uv the
nigger becomin extinct by disease? I know amalgamashun is
whitenin him in the Southern States, but up North, where
Dimokrasy is skarse, we kin preserve them in all their original
blackness. Hevin grant that this friteful vision wuz simply
the result uv a disordered stumick, and not a warnin uv wrath
to cum!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 199 -- p635-216
LXXXI. MEETS A PARDONED REBEL, WHO ENLIGHTENS HIM.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
September the 21st, 1865.
[figure description] Page 199.[end figure description]
Ginral Boanerges Mosher, uv Mississippy, who demonstrated
his devoshun to the grate principles uv constooshnel
liberty, by servin the Confedrisy as a commissary, wrote me to
meet him in Washinton. He hed jest reseeved his pardon,
and the fust use he made uv his privileges, wuz to cum to
Washinton to meet me for consultashen on the hopes and
prospects uv the Dimokrasy.
Ginral Mosher is a fine specimen uv the ginooine chivelrus
Sutherner. Six feet two inches in hite, he kin chaw more
terbacker, spit with greater accooracy, and walk uprite under
a bigger load uv strate whisky than any man I ever met. A
unsofistikatid child uv nacher, he scorns the polish and sham
uv wat is called civilization. Never shel I forgit the liteninglanse
uv contempt he darted at me, when I askt him to
qualify his whisky with a little water!
Ginral Mosher opened by lamentin the untimely decease uv
so many Suthern voters, in the late diabolical war Linkin and
his hellions made upon em.
I replied, to-wunst, that that deficit cood be easily made up.
“I hev,” sez I, “bin a considerin this matter. At a triflin
expenditoor uv money the tide uv emigrashen from Europe
kin be turnd Southward, and the places uv yoor slawterd heroes
be filled with the Irishman, the German, the —”
“Liar! theef! murderer! nigger-steeler!” shoutid the Ginral,
seezin me by the throat, and brandishin his cane over me.
Fallin on my knees (formin a tablo, the “Union ez it wuz),”
I gaspt:
“Why this violence?”
“O, nothin,” replied the Ginral, relaxin his holt; “I shel be
elected to Congris, and ez I shel hev to mix with yoo Yankees,
I wuz a practisin the old tactics, jist to git my hand in agin.
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Wuz yoo afeerd? Bless yoor sole, we woodent kill a Northern
Dimekrat for no money — we need em. “But,” continued he,
“this emigrashen skeem uv yoors won't work. Yer Irishman
and yer German wood work, but they'd want wages!”
“Wal!” sez I, astoundid, not seein wat he wuz drivin at.
“Can't yoo see,” sez he. “They'd earn money, they'd save
it. Our habits is expensive, and now that nigger-breedin is
done away with, we can't sell a half dozen niggers per annum,
to keep up our expenses. Alas! (tears suffused his beamin
eyes, ez he spoke), the last nigger I sold wuz ez white ez yoo
are; my son Tom wuz her father, and I got $2500 for her in
Mobeel, when she wuz sixteen. I sold her to the President uv
the Suthern Society for the convershun uv the heathen. I
knockt a hundred off the price uv the gal, on that account.
But to resoom. The furriner works, and saves suthin. We
won't work, can't sell no more niggers, and git hard up, and
hev to sell land to furriners. Then, he's OUR EKAL! and
wat becomes uv the anshent chivelry?”
“But,” sez I, “yoo hed the poor whites among yoo afore the
war. What wuss wood a furriner be?”
“Them poor whites wuz a peculiar class; we kep em coz we
hed to hev em to vote. We allowd em to squat on our lands,
never let em learn to read, and kep ther skins full uv cheap
whisky. When wun uv em got to know too much, we either
killed him or sent him North, keepin among us jest sich ez we
wantid. With our poor whites doin our votin at home, yoo
Dimekrats doin it up North, and the niggers doin our labor,
trooly we wuz a favord peeple.”
“But who are yoo goin to git to do yoor labor?”
“The nigger.”
“But yoo'll hev to pay him wages!”
“Not much. The Northern Legislachers are a passin laws
agin their comin there, so they can't git away from us, and jest
ez soon ez the thrice-accursed hirelin soljers are withdrawd,
our laws is in force, and then wat good is a nigger's contract
to him? Methinks the cuss uv Canan is still onto him, Linkin
to the contrary notwithstandin. I shel be kind to mine — I
shel pay the able-bodied field-hands $4 per month, mechanics
say $6. Uv coarse, ef furriners kin compete with em, and
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work for less, we'll take em, pervided they'll be ez umble.
The nigger wuz made to be a slave. God cust Canan, and
sed he shood be a servant forever. Did he mean us to pay
him wages? Not any; for ef he had, he wood hev ordered
our tastes and habits so ez we shood hev hed the wherewithal
to do it.
“Nasby,” sed he, a pausin to drain the bottle, and rollin his
eyes upwards, “I am the child uv pious parents, and never, no,
never, will I depart from their faith. God cust the nigger, and
I will do my part, manfully, toward carryin out His will.
Watever betides us, the sons uv Ham must be the servants uv
the sons uv Japheth, and their daughters likewise, that the
Skripter shel be fulfilled.”
I parted with that great and good man, my mind full uv the
nearly white gals he owned, and determined, ere long, to be
assistin uv him in fulfillin that part uv the Skripter.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXXII. ON SOUTHERN CHARACTER.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
September the 23d, 1865.
*The world is, and alluz hez bin, full uv delusions. A lie,
well started, vigerously stuck to, and energetically pushed,
ansers jest ez well ez the trooth, and will live a long time. I
hev lived in this world uv decepshun long enuff to diskiver
that there is a huge diffrence betwixt the real and the
ideal.
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For instance. In my youth I wuz given to readin Cooper's
novels, until, becomin infatuated with his descriptions uv the
Injin stile uv livin, and the granjer uv the Injin charakter, I
determined to jine a tribe, and adopt their habits. I imagined
myself a noble red man uv the forest, a chasin the wild deer
all the day thro the leafy wood, and sweetly sleepin at nite in
a leafy bower, never wunst thinkin uv the friteful colds I'd
ketch sleepin out uv doors, and uv the terrible consekences uv
a purely animal diet upon my uneducatid bowils.
Filled with these ijees, I made my way to the nearest reservation,
and the first noble red man uv the forest I saw, wuz
asleep under a tree, with a bottle beside him. I awakened
him, and addressed him in the language uv the novels, wich I
sposed wuz all he cood understand, thus: —
“Why slumbereth the chief uv the Pocasokes? and why are
not his feet upon the war-path? The skelp uv his father
hangs in the lodge uv Skinewaugh, and his death is unavenged!
Awake!”
The noble Injin rolled over lazily on one elbow, took a long
pull at his bottle, ejackulatin, —
“Ugh! go away. White man dam fool — gimme dime —
buy Injin more rum!” and sank back into his inebriated
slumber.
Hevin seen the ginuine Injin ez he exists out uv the novels,
I did not jine that tribe.
I used to bleeve in Southern chiverly. Likewise did I
bleeve in Robinson Crusoe, the malstrom, and Jackson's cottonbales;
but, ez I afterwards diskivered, there wuz no reality in
these, so I wuz prepared to bleeve the chivelry uv the South
wuz a good part bottled moonshine.
Wunst, to me, the Southerner wuz a compound uv George
IV., Chevaleer Bayard, Humbolt, and Longfellow, possessin
the deportment uv the fust, the high-grade chivelry and manly
physikle perfecshun uv the second, the learnin uv the third,
and the deep poetic feelin uv the fourth. I sposed he wood
introdoose his knife into the bowels uv his enemy with the
fearlessness and dexterity uv Bayard, apologize with the calm
grace uv George, and write his obitchuary like Longfellow, in
the style uv Hiawatha.
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I bleeved his residence wuz a manshun, his common beverage
the rosiest kind uv wine, quaffed from the most costly
goblets; that money with him wuz a matter uv no account;
that his time wuz divided between his country, his books, and
manly out-door sports. In war, my notion uv him wuz a cross
between Achilles and Wellington, I givin him the credit uv
hevin the dash uv the one, the steadiness uv tother, and
the heroism uv both. Sich wuz my ijee uv the Southern
gentleman.
Wood, O wood that this pleasin delusion hed never bin
dissipated! It's the nacher uv the Northern Dimekrat to
look up to sumbody, and I didn't like the ijee uv hevin my idol
dismountid. I wuz down South doorin the war, hevin served
sevral months in the Louisiana Pelicans, a Confedrit regiment,
made up uv the fust families uv that State. I found that I hed
bin labrin under a delusion all my life. I wuz in Virginia a
while, where yoo are supposed to find the highest type uv
Southern chivelry. On a average the Virginian is as mizable
a cuss ez ther is on earth. His manshun is a shamblin cabin;
his rosy wine is a style uv potato whisky, so inexpressibly
mean that it wood be rejected with inexpressible scorn by the
most reckless and abandoned squaw; his costly goblet is a stun
jug with a cob stopper, and his highest ijee uv amoosement is
quarter races and poker. Long, lank, lathy, low-browed, peaknosed,
he approaches the appearance uv the Northerner about
ez closely ez a ring-tailed baboon resembles Powers' Greek
Slave.
In war he haint no better than in peace. He fites well enuff
when put to it, but he haint no endurence. Ef he don't win
from the start, his game is up. and the less he intends to do,
the more he blows afore he commences. His endless blowin
about his fitin capacity and resources, afore the war, wuz wat
roped us Northern Dimekrats into it, and indoost us to stake
our politikle fucher on their success. Alass! we wuz fooled
in em, and we go down with em.
I never want to hear a word agin about Southern chivelry.
We hev got to git em back agin, for alone we kin do nothin,
and I spose when we hev em back, we'll hev to knuckle to em
jist ez we did afore the war, for they comprise the heft uv the
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[figure description] Page 204.[end figure description]
party; but we'll do it this time for policy, while before we did
it from sheer belief in their sooperiority over us. I'd be well
satisfied ef we cood git along, ez a party, without em.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n36* The war with the Rebellion gave Northern men an opportunity to rid themselves
of a great many popular delusions in regard to the “chivalry,” “hospitality,”
and “courtesy” of the slaveholding gentry. The visits made by our
“boys in blue” dispelled many illusions created by the boasts of Southerners,
and the letters of sentimental tourists, who felt compelled to write in the popular
vein in order to find readers, and have their views credited.
LXXXIII. ON THE DIVERSITY OF THE RACES.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
September the 24th, 1865.
Whenever yoo ask the people to adopt any given line uv
ackshen, yoo hev got to give em a tollable good reason therefor.
Troo, this never hez bin so necessary in the Dimekratik party,
whose members hez alluz follered their leaders, without askin
the why or wherefor, with a fidelity beautiful to behold. But
people, ginerally, are inquisitive, and wun reason why we hev
never succeeded with the slavery question, is becoz we never
hev yet given a good reason why the nigger shood be held in
slavery.
Wunst it wuz sought to be defended on the ground that the
nigger wuz inferior to the white man, but it woodent do.
Why? Becoz the full-blown Dimekrat thot to hisself to-wunst,
“Ef the stronger shel own the weaker — ef the intellectooally
sooperior shel hold in slavery the intellectooally inferior, Lord
help me! Why, I might ez well go into a Ablishn township
and select my master to-wunst.”
The same argument won't do ez to nigger equality. Why
shood we say that the nigger shan't vote, on the score uv his
not bein fitted by educashen or intelligence, when the fust and
chiefest qualificashen uv a strate Dimekrat is his not knowin
how to read? Why, to-day, in my county, ef a Dimekrat kin
rite his name without runnin his tongue out, we alluz refuse to
elect him a delegate in the county convenshun. It exposes
him to the suspishun uv knowin too much.
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I hev quit all these shaller dodges, long ago. We must hev
the nigger, for jest at this time there ain't no other capital for
us to run on; but he must be put on maintainable ground. I
put my foot on him, on the ground uv the DIVERSITY UV THE
RACES! He is not wun uv us. He is not a descendant uv
Adam. Goddlemity probably made him, ez he did the ox, and
the ass, and the dorg, and the babboon, but not at the same
time, nor for the same purposes. He is not, in any sence uv
the word, a MAN! His color is different, the size uv his head
is different, his foot is longer, and his hand is bigger. He wuz
created a beast, and the fiat uv the Almity give us dominion
over him, the same ez over other beasts.
Does the theologian say that this doctrine undermines the
Christian religion? I to-wunst reply, that that don't matter to
us. Dimokrasy and religion shook hands and bid each other a
affecshunate farewell, years ago. Uv what comparison is
religion to a Dimekratik triumph?
Doth the ethnologist say that the difference atween the
Caucassian and Afrikin is no greater than atween the Caucassian
and Mongolian? I anser to-wunst that he is rite — that
the Mongolian is likewise a beast; becoz, don't yoo see, there
ain't no Mongolians in this secshun uv country to disprove it.
Doth the Ablishnist pint to a nigger who kin read and rite,
and figure through to division, and in sich other partikulers
show hisself sooperior to the majority uv Dimekrats? I alluz
draw myself up to my full hite, assoom a virchusly indignant
look, and exclaim, “He's nuthin but a d—d nigger, anyhow!”
wich is the only effective argument we hev hed for ten years.
Doth the besotted nigger-lover pint to the mulatto, and say,
“What will yoo do with him, who is half beast and half man,
who hez half a sole that is to be saved — for one half uv whom
Christ died?” I anser at wunst, that I don't deal in abstracshuns,
and git out ez soon ez possible, for there is a weak pint
there, that I hevent ez yit bin able to git over.
This wun weak pint is no argument agin my theory, for
happy is the Dimekrat who kin propound a theory that hezent
a score, instid uv wun, weak places in it.
This doctrine kivers the whole ground. Ef the nigger is a
beast, Dimekrats hev a good excuse for not givin to mishnary
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[figure description] Page 206.[end figure description]
societies, for uv what use is it to undertake to Christianize
beasts, who hev no soles to save and fit em for the skies? It
gives us a perfect rite to re-establish slavery, for doth not
Blackstun, who wuz supposed to know ez much law ez a Noo
Jersey justis uv the peace, say that we hev a rite to ketch and
tame the wild beast, and bend him to our uses? Also, he can't
vote; for wood the lowest white man consent to vote alongside
uv a beast, even ef he did walk on two legs? Not any.
Let this doctrine be vigorusly preachd, and I hev no doubt
suthin will result from it.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXXIV. HAS A CONVERSATION WITH THE DEVIL.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
September the 30th, 1865.
Nite afore last, I wuz at a gatherin uv the faithful, in the
next town to Saint's Rest, and wuz a comin back on the nite
train uv the Camden and Amboy, wich is the beauty and glory
uv Noo Jersey. I wuz somewat elevatid, hevin hed a need uv
inspirin flooids, there bein two or three returned soljers in the
meetin, who kept a provokin me with irrelevant and irritatin
remarks, sich ez pullin me off the stand, and pintin revolvers
at me.
When the conductor cum around, I told him that I wuz a
humble worker in the great field uv Dimekratik reform, and
wuz, uv coarse, without funds, and that I expected to be passed
to my home, FREE! The poor man wuz thunder-struck! Staggerin
against the side uv the car, pale ez a ghost, and speechless,
he beckoned to a brakesman, and pinted me out. In a instant I
wuz seized and bundled out uv the car. The next mornin I
saw the incident noticed in the daily papers, under the follerin
hed lines: —
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“THE BULWORKS UV SOCIETY A BRAKIN AWAY!” — “NOO JERSEY
IN DANGER!” — “A FEEND DEMANDS TO BE DEAD-HEDED
OVER THE CAMDEN AND AMBOY!” — “PROMPT AND HEROIC ACTION
UV A CONDUCTOR!”
How long I lay alongside uv the track I know not; but
when conshusnis returned, I saw, settin on the fence, the figure
uv Satan hisself.
“Avant!” cried I. “Why comest thou to torment me afore
my time?”
“Don't skeer,” sez he; “I don't want yoo yet. Remember
the old man's remark: `Why shood men club apples off uv
trees, when, ef they let em alone, they will fall off themselves?'
I woodent take the trouble to cum after yoo, and sich ez yoo.
I often take a toor thro Jersey. It's my best harvest-field.
I'm pleasurin now.”
Reassured, I asked the old gentleman some questions as to
what kind uv biznis he wuz a doin these times, et settry.
He replied that biznis wuz good. The Suthern States hed
bin his grate field uv labor, and when they rebelled agin the
guverment he thot he hed dead wood on them localities. His
soul expanded with joy ez he saw the Churches South plunge
into the seceshn biznis, and their preachers throw off the
sacerdotle robes and put on butternut uniform. They never
hed much religion down there, anyhow; but when they went
into seceshn, they threw away that little.
“Ez Linkin's hellions advanced,” he sed, “my soul shrunk—
only occasionally wuz I elevatid ez yoo Copperheds riz in
the North. Finally, when Lee and Johnson surrendered, I
give up all hopes. That, I thot, settled the question. The
niggers will be emancipated and I'll lose them, for they'll learn
to read, and they'll diskiver that virchoo is the best road to
travel. Also —”
“Hold!” sez I; “do niggers go to hell?”
“Uv course, when they die in their sins,” sez he.
“Farewell, hope!” exclaims I, in agony, “for all is lost! At
the last end the entire Dimokrasy will be on a equality with
the nigger, and will hev to mix with em.”
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“Also,” sez he, a goin on, “I wuz satisfied I shood lose the
whites South, for when they can't live on nigger labor, and hev
to go to work, they won't hev time to gamble nor drink. They
won't hev $2500 to pay for pretty octoroons, and, per consequence,
one uv the commandments will be better observed.
So I wuz lo-sperited, and conclooded that the Almity had taken
that part uv the country out uv my hands.”
“How, then,” sez I, “is it that yoo feel so well to-night?”
“For two reasons,” sez he. “I alluz feel at home in Noo
Jersey; and besides that, things don't look so bad after all.
You folks up North are doin things to soot me, and so they are
South. Uv what account is Linkin's proclamashen, when sich
men ez now controle the South, are in power? Them Sutherners
are men I like. Guvner Perry talks uv `Radikle
Republikins,' wich shows he's bound to make head agin the
only enemies I ever hed in the North. The nigger is free, but
only in name. That blessid doctrin uv Stait Rites allows each
wun uv the States to oppress jist which class they please, and
ez the North will certainly pass all sorts uv laws agin their
escapin in that direcshun, it seems to me ez tho Cuff wuz
between the upper and nether mill-stun, after all. Five dollars
a month they will agree to pay him, but that he'll never git.
Then follers stealins, and stabbins, and shootins, and hangins,
and arsons, and insurrections [here he rubbed his hands], and
more sich fun than we ever saw. Then when the South gets
strong agin, and they and yoo, united, make a majority in Congris,
won't them Yankees git? Won't we (I speak uv yoo
Northern Dimekrats and the South and me, wich hez alluz bin
pardners) make the North pay the Suthern war debt? Won't
we re-establish slavery in the South and extend it over all the
territories, and finally over all the Northern Staits, makin it
universal? I rather think so. Ef the North refuses, then agin,
yoo and the South and I will make another war, and that time
we'll succeed, for we'll know how, better, and the guverment
overthrowd, we'll fix it jist ez we want it. And then —”
At this pint he threw his left arm about my neck in a
extasy uv irrepressible love. It scorched ez tho a hot bar
uv iron hed bin twisted around me, and, shreekin with agony—
I awoke.
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It wuz only a dream, and I found myself a lyin in the identikle
ditch into wich I hed fallen when the conductor threw me
off the trane.
I cood not help wondrin at the correctnis with wich my
visitor guessed the purposes uv our party.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXXV. APPEAL TO THE DEMOCRACY.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
October the 4th, 1865.
Dimekrats uv the North! Yoo hev to decide whether the
old party, which hez alluz delited in managin the affairs uv this
guvernment, is to agin assoom its nateral position, or whether
it is doomed to die, and be among the things that wuz.
Ez the hed uv the party I issue this appeal.
The time for argument hez passed — all that now remains is
ackshen! ackshen!! ackshen!!!
Never before wuz there sich need uv work — never wuz
there so much at stake. Look around yoo, fellow-Dimekrats!
See! Uv all the States North, only Noo Jersey remains troo
to her anshent prinsipples. The dark waves uv Ablishnism
are a sweepin over the land, unchecked, save by Noo Jersey.
There, thank God, the ark uv the covnant rests. There the
vestal fires burn brightly. Noo Jersey hez the Dimokrasy she
alluz hed — she changes not. Ever since the year before the
Revolushen, she hez bin Dimekratik. No matter wat issues
wuz presented — no matter on wich side uv sed issues the
Dimokrasy planted themselves, Noo Jersey alluz voted that
ticket.
Sich confidin trust in the leaders, sich Roman simplicity, is
refreshin. Wood, O wood that we hed more Noo Jerseys!
This fall the Dimokrasy hev exceeded theirselves in liber
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ality to the people. Never wuz there sich a assortment uv
principles to choose from. In Noo York, we hev on the track
a Ginral, who sheathed his sword in the hearts uv his Suthern
brethrin, and him we stood on a platform wich recognizes the
death uv slavery, and feels good over it, and wich goes for
payin the debt, intrest, principle, and all. In Noo Jersey we
hev a Ginral on the ticket who run away from Bull Run, becoz
he didn't approve uv the principles on wich the war wuz bein
conducted, on a platform ez strikly Suthern ez the Camden and
Amboy cood make it. In Ohio, our platform wuz made by the
great Vallandigum, and in it is the pure expressed juice uv
Dimokrasy. The great doctrine uv State Rites is avowed, and
the rite uv the seceded Staits to agin secede is upheld.
*Here is diversity — here is pickin. Each Dimekrat kim pick
wich set uv principles he desires, and the cheerman uv his
central committy will cheerfully certify that that set will be
made universal, ez soon ez a Nashnel Convenshun convenes.
Look at what interests are at stake. Do yoo want to marry
nigger wenches? Do yoo want yoor gushin daughters tied by
indissoluble ties to disgustin buck niggers? We hev persistently
petitioned Abolishn legislachers to pass acts preventin
us from doin this foul thing, but to no avale. They hev turned
a deaf ear to our entreaties, and to-day we stand exposed to all
these dangers.
Do yoo want a buck nigger to march up to the poles with
yoo to vote? Do yoo want their children mixt with yoors in
schools? Do yoo want em on juries and holdin offis in yoor
township? My God! think uv it! Think uv yoor bein brot
up on a charge uv petty larceny, sich ez steelin sheep or
chickens, before a nigger justis uv the peace! Think uv yoor
bein sued for a store bill that hed run ten years, afore a nigger
squire! In the towns and cities, think uv bein arrested for
bein drunk, by a nigger policeman, and bein arraned in the
mornin before a nigger mayor! Contemplate these picters
without a shudder, ef yoo kin. These questions must be met.
They stare us in the face. On yoo depends the issue. The
nigger is our natral enemy.
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Sum uv our best lites are in favor uv givin him the suffrage,
on the ground that in a little while we wood git his votes, on
the principle that we ketch all the trash naturally. My frends,
be not deseeved. We hev abused the nigger so long and so
persistently, that it wood take ages afore we cood git him suffishently
demoralized to act with us, and afore that time we
wood all be in the silent grave, where pollitics is uv no
account.
On the question uv taxes, and reconstruction, and sich, I
refer yoo to the platforms adopted by yoor various State Convenshuns;
yoo may depend upon each bein perfeckly sound.
On these minor questions there may be difference uv opinion
in localities; but, thank Heaven, on nigger there is unanimity.
“Nigger and him prostrated,” is the rallyin cry uv the Dimokrasy,
North, South, East, and West.
I bleeve, in the above, I hev given a full epitome uv the
principles uv the party. We hev a terrible fite afore us, and it
behooves every Dimekrat to buckle on his armor to-wunst.
Noo Jersey may be dependid on. The few Ablishnists we hev,
hev gone so far into spellin-books and grammars, that their talk
is all Greek to our voters, and so they are safe from their
contaminatin appeals. She expects every State to do its
dooty. She is lonesome, and wants company. She stretches
out her hands appealinly to her sisters, and sez, in winnin tones,
“Jine me!”
Will yoo not do it? Shel she appeal in vane? Forbid it,
Hevin! Rally! Rally! Rally!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n37* A collection of Democratic State platforms of 1865 would make an amusing
volume. No two were alike, save in denunciation of the negro.
-- 212 -- p635-229
LXXXVI. AFTER THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS, 1865.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
October the 11th, 1865.
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Ohio, Ablishn!
Pennsylvany, Ablishn!
Noo Jersey, not eggsackly Ablishn, but approachin thereunto.
Sich is the encouragin news I read in the newspapers this
mornin! Sich is the result uv labors Herculian, in the abovenamed
States. What do the people mean?
The pure Dimokrasy, probably, will carry Noo York; but of
what consolation is that to me? The two parties, the old,
anshent Dimokrasy and the Ablishn, run a race into the realms
uv Radikalism, and the Dimokrasy beat them over a length.
With a platform standin by Johnson, endorsin his anti-slavery
notions, his Suthern oppression notions, his hangin uv Mrs.
Surratt, et settry, and on that platform a soljer who never votid
a Dimekratik ticket in his life, who went into the war a Radikle
Ablishnist and who kum out a Radikle Ablishnist, I don't know
that I hev much to choose atween em.
Last week I wuz invited into a county in Noo York, to address
a Dimekratik meetin. I accepted (ez my expenses were
paid, wich is cheeper and better boardin than I get at the
groceries to home), and accordingly I went. I commenst deliverin
the speech I hed used all over Noo Jersey. I commenst
abusin the nigger, when the cheerman interrupted me.
“Well,” sez I, “wat is it?” rather angrily, for when I git
warmed up and a sweatin, I don't like to be interruptid.
“Why,” sed he, “our constooshn allows a nigger who hez
$250 to vote, and most uv em hev that sum, and we make it a
pint to sekoor em.”
“They're a d—d site better off than most uv us white Dimekrats
in Noo Jersey, retortid I, a droppin the nigger and goin
on agin President Johnson.
“Stop,” whispered the cheerman; “our platform indorses
President Johnson.”
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“Thunder!” remarked I, droppin President Johnson, and
slidin easily into a viggerus denunciation uv the war.
“Good God!” sez the cheerman, “stop! Our platform indorses
the war.”
I sed nothin this time, but commenst denouncin the debt.
“Hold!” sed the cheerman; “easy — our platform backs up
the debt.”
“Well, then,” sed I, in a rage, “why in blazes didn't yoo send
me a copy of yoor platform when yoo wantid me to address
yoo? Go to thunder, and make yoor own speeches;” and I
stalked off the platform.
Time wuz when wun speech wood do a man all over the
North. Now yoo hev to hev a diffrent wun for every State,
wich makes it impossible for me to travel, for wun effort per
season is enuff for me.
But, ez I wuz a sayin, we are beat agin, and beat badly —
beat on issues uv our own makin — beat with taxes, bonds, war
debt, and nigger equality all in our favor. Don't say to me
that we redoost their majorities. What difference does it make
to a defeatid candidate, whether the majority agin him is one
thousand or one hundred? A needle will kill a man ez effectually
ez a broadsword, ef it's stuck in the right place. So a
majority uv wun is enuff. I hev known men to hold orfises
four years, and hev good appetites, on a majority uv one. It's
the orfises we wuz a goin for — it's them our patriots wanted,
and it's no consolation to them to say they missed by a small
majority! It's holler mockery — the same ez tho you'd show
a starvin man a loaf uv bread jest inside uv iron bars — his
fingers are not a inch from it, but, so far ez his cravin stumick
is concerned, it mite ez well be across the boundless ocean.
We may recover from this backset, but I hev my fears. The
people is ez stupid ez ever, and our leaders is ez acoot ez ever;
but, alas! the fact that we hev failed in everything we hev
undertook, for four years, is gettin thro the hair uv thousands,
and they look askant at us.
Be it ez it may, it makes but little difference to me. A few
years, and I shel go hence. Ef the Bible is troo, I shel go
where I will find a heavy Dimekratik majority, shoor; ef it is
not, and there is no hereafter, why, then, at last, I shel be on a
level with the best.
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“So, let the wide world wag ez it will,”
I'll keep on the even tenor uv my way, takin my nips ez often
ez I kin find a confidin sole who hez more money than discreshun.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXXVII. AFTER THE NEW JERSEY ELECTION, 1865.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
November 9, 1865.
*Never wuz I in so pleasant a frame uv mind ez last night.
All wuz peace with me, for after bein buffeted about the world
for three skore years, at last it seemed to me ez tho forchune,
tired uv persekootin a unforchnit bein, hed taken me into favor.
I hed a solemn promise from the Dimekratic State Central
Committy in the great State uv Noo Jersey, that ez soon ez
our candidate for Governor wuz dooly elected, I shood hev the
position uv Doorkeeper to the House uv the Lord (wich in this
State means the Capital, and wich is certainly better than
dwellin in the tents uv wicked grosery keepers, on tick, ez I
do), and a joodishus exhibition uv this promise hed prokoored
for me unlimited facilities for borrerin, wich I improved.
On Wednesday nite I wuz a sittin in my room, a enjoyin the
pleasin reflection that in a few days I should be placed above
want and beyond the contingencies uv fortune. Wood! oh,
wood! that I hed died then and there, before that dream uv
bliss wuz roodly broken. A wicked boy come runnin past with
a paper which he hed brot from the next town where there
lives a man who takes one. He flung it thro the window to
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me and passed on. I opened it eagerly, and glanced at the
hed lines!
“Noo Jersey — 5,000 Republikin!”
One long and piercin shreek wuz heard thro that house, and
wen the inmates rushed into the room they found me inanimate
on the floor. The fatal paper lay near me, explainin the cause
uv the catastrophe. The kind-hearted landlord, after feelin uv
my pockets and diskiverin that the contents thereof wood not
pay the arrearages uv board, held a hurried consultation with
his wife as to the propriety uv bringin me to; he insisting that
it wuz the only chance uv gittin what wuz owin them — she
insistin ef I wuz brung to I'd go on runnin up the bill, bigger
and bigger, and never pay at last. While they wuz argooin
the matter, pro and con, I happened to git a good smell uv his
breath, wich restored me to consciousness to-wunst, without
further assistance.
When in trouble my poetic sole alluz finds vent in song.
Did ever poet who delited in tombs, and dark, rollin streams,
and consumption, and blighted hopes, and decay, and sich
themes, ever hev sich a pick of subjects ez I hev at this time?
The follerin may be a consolation to the few Dimokrats uv the
North who hev gone so far into Copperheadism that they can't
change their base: —
A Wale!
In the mornin we go forth rejoicin in our strength — in the
evenin we are bustid and wilt!
Man born uv woman (and most men are) is uv few days, and
them is so full uv trouble that it's scarcely worth while bein
born at all.
In October I waded in woe knee-deep, and now the waters
uv afflickshun are about my chin.
I look to the East, and Massachoosets rolls in Ablishn.
To the West I turn my eyes, and Wisconsin, and Minnesota,
and Illinoy ansers — Ablishn.
Southward I turn my implorin gaze, and Maryland sends
greetin — Ablishn.
In New York we had em, for lo! we run a soljer, who fought
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valiantly, and we put him on a platform, wich stunk with nigger—
yea, the savor thereof wuz louder than the Ablishn platform
itself.
But behold! the people jeer and flout, and say “The platform
stinketh loud enough, but the smell thereof is not the smell uv
the Afrikin — it is of the rotten material uv wich it is composed,
and the corrupshun they hev placed upon it,” — and
New York goes Ablishun.
Slocum held hisself up, and sed, “Come and buy.” And
our folks bought him and his tribe, but he getteth not his
price.
Noo Jersey — Ablishun!!
Job's cattle wuz slain by murrain, and holler horn, and sich,
and, not livin near Noo York, the flesh thereof he cood
not sell.
But Job hed suthin left — still cood he sell the hides and
tallow!
Lazarus hed sores, but he hed dorgs to lick them.
Noo Jersey wuz the hide and tallow uv the Dimocrisy, and
lo! that is gone.
What little is left uv the Dimocrisy is all sore, but where is
the dorg so low ez to lick it?
Noo Jersey wuz our ewe lamb — lo! the strong hand uv
Ablishnism hez taken it.
Noo Jersey wuz the Aryrat on which our ark rested — behold!
the dark waves uv Ablishnism hev swept over it!
Darkness falls over me like a pall — the shadder uv woe
encompasseth me.
Down my furrowed cheeks rolleth the tears uv anguish,
varyin in size from a large pea to a small tater.
Noo Jersey will vote for the Constooshnel Amendment, and
lo! the Nigger will possess the land.
I see horrid visions!
On the Camden and Amboy, nigger brakesmen! and at the
polls, niggers!
Where shall we find refuge?
In the North? Lo! it is barred agin us by Ablishnism.
In the South? In their eyes the Northern Copperhead
findeth no favor.
-- 217 -- p635-234
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In Mexico? There is war there, and we might be drafted.
Who will deliver us? Who will pluck us from the pit into
wich we hev fallen?
Where I shel go the Lord only knows, but my impression is,
South Carliny will be my future home. Wade Hampton is
elected Governor, certin, and in that noble State, one may
perhaps preserve enough uv the old Dimokratic States Rites
to leaven the whole lump.
“I'm aflote — I'm aflote
On the dark rollin sea.”
And into what harbor fate will drive my weather-beaten bark,
the undersigned can not trooly say.
Noo Jersey — farewell! The world may stand it a year or
two, but I doubt it.
Mournfly and sadly,
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n38* The carrying of New Jersey by the Republicans in 1865 was a severe blow
to the Democracy. It was about the last of their strongholds.
LXXXVIII. A CONVERSATION WITH GENERAL McSTINGER, OF THE STATE OF GEORGIA, WHICH IS INTERRUPTED BY A SUBJUGATED REBEL.
Washington, D. C., November 18, 1865.
*Sence the November elections I hev bin spendin the heft uv
my time in Washinton. I find a melankoly pleasure in ling'rin
around the scene uv so many Demokratic triumphs. Here it
wuz that Brooks, the heroic, bludgeoned Summer; here it wuz
that Calhoon, and Yancey, and Breckinridge achieved their
glory and renown. Besides, it's the easiest place to dodge a
board bill in the Yoonited States. There's so many
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[figure description] Page 218.[end figure description]
Congressmen here who resemble me, that I hev no difficulty in passin
for one two thirds uv the time.
Yisterday I met, in the readin-room uv Willard's, Ginral
MacStinger, of South Karliny. The Ginral is here on the
same bizness most uv the Southern men hev in this classic
city, that uv prokoorin a pardon, wich he hed prokoored, and
wuz gittin ready to go home and accept the nominashen for
Congress in his deestrick.
The Ginral wuz gloomy. Things didn't soot him, he observed,
and he wuz afeerd that the country wuz on the high road to
rooin. He hed bin absent from the United States suthin over
four yeers, wich time he hed spent in the Southern Confederacy.
When he went out the Constooshnel Dimocrisy hed some rites
wich wuz respected. On his return wat did he see? The
power in the hands uv Radikals, Ablishnism in the majority
everywhere, a ex-tailor President, — a state uv affairs disgustin
in the extreme to the highly sensitive Southern mind. He had
accepted a pardon only becoz he felt hisself constrained to put
hisself into position to go to Congress, that the country might
be reskood from its impendin peril. He shood go to Congress,
and then he shood ask the despots who now hev control,
whether, —
1. They spozed the South wood submit to hoomiliatin condishns?
2. What Androo Johnson means by dictatin to the Convenshuns
uv sovereign States?
“Why,” sez he, “but a few days ago this boor hed the
ashoorence to write to the Georgy Convenshun that it `must
not' — mark the term — `MUST NOT assoom the confedrit war
debt.' Is a tailor to say `must not' to chivelrus Georgy?
Good God! — where are we driftin? For one, I never will be
consilliated on them terms — never! I never wuz used to that
style uv talk in Dimekratic convenshuns.
“Ez soon ez I take my seat in Congris,” resoomed he, “I
shel deliver a speech, wich I writ the day after Lee surrendered,
so ez to hev it ready, in which I shel take the follerin
ground, to wit: —
“That the South hev buried the hatchit, and hev diskivered
that they love the old Union above anything on earth. But,
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[figure description] Page 219.[end figure description]
“The North must meet us half way, or we won't be answerable
for the consekences. Ez a basis for a settlement, I shel
insist on the follerin condishens: —
“The Federal debt must be repoodiated, principal and interest,
or ef paid, the Southern war debt must be paid likewise —
ez a peece offerin. The doctrine uv State Rites must be made
the soopreme law uv the land, that the South may withdraw
whenever they feel theirselves dissatisfied with Massachoosetts.
Uv course this is a olive branch.
“Jefferson Davis must be to-wunst set at liberty and Sumner
hung, ez proof that the North is really concilliatory. On
this point I am inflexible, and on the others immovable.”
An old man who hed bin listenin to our talk, murmured that
there wuz a parallel to this last proposishen.
“Where?” demanded the Genral.
“The Jews, I remember,” replied he, “demanded that
Barabbas be released unto them, who wuz a thief, I believe,
and the Savior be crucified, but I forgit jist how it wuz.”
The Ginral withered him with a litenin glance, and resoomed: —
“I shel, uv course, offer the North suthin in the way uv
compensation, for the troo theory uv a Republikin Guvernment
is compermise. On our part we pledge ourselves to come
back, and give the North the benefit uv our comin back, so
long ez Massachoosetts conducts herself accordin to our ijees
uv what is rite. But ef this ekitable adjustment is rejected,
all I hev to say then is, I shel resign, and the Government may
sink without wun effort from me to save it.”
I wuz about to give in my experience, when the old man,
who wuz sittin near us, broke in agin: —
“My name,” sed he, “is Maginnis, and I live in Alabama. I
want to say a word to the gentleman from Karliny, and to the
wun from Noo Jersey.”
“How,” retorted I, “do yoo know I'm from Noo Jersey, not
hevin spoken a word in yoor hearin?”
“By a instink I hev. Whenever I see a Sutherner layin it
down heavy to a indivijooel whose physiognamy is uv sich a
cast that upon beholdin it yoo instinktively feel to see that
yoor pocket-handkercher is safe, a face that wood be dangerous
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[figure description] Page 220.[end figure description]
ef it had courage into it, I alluz know the latter to be a Northern
Copperhead. The Noo Jersey part I guessed at, becoz, my
friend, that State furnished the lowest order uv Copperheads of
any uv em. Pardon me ef I flatter yoo. But what I wanted to
say wuz, that I spose suthin hez happened doorin the past four
years. I was a original secessionist. Sum years ago I hed a
hundred niggers, and wuz doin well with em. But, unforchunitly,
my brother died, and left me ez much more land, but no
niggers. I wanted niggers enuff to work that land, and sposed
ef cut off from the North, and the slave-trade wuz reopened, I
cood git em cheaper. Hence I seceshed. Sich men ez Genral
McStinger told me the North woodent fight or I woodent hev
secesht, but I did. I went out for wool and cum back shorn.
I seceshed with 100 niggers to git 200, and alas! I find myself
back into the old government, with nary a nigger.
“But all this is no excoose for talkin bald noncents. Yoo
old ass,” sed he, addressin Genral McStinger, “yoo talk uv wat
yoo will do, and what yoo won't. Heven't yoo diskivered that
yoo are whipped? Heven't yoo found out that yoo are subjoogated?
Are yoo back into the Union uv yoor own free
will and akkord? Heven't yoo got a pardon in yoor pockit,
which dockyment is all that saves yoor neck from stretchin
hemp? Why do yoo talk uv wat South Carliny will and wont
do? Good Lord! I recollect about a year since South Carliny
wood never permit her soil to be pollutid by Yankee hirelins,
yit Sherman marched all over it with a few uv em, and skacely
a gun was fired at em. So too I recollect that that sed State,
wich wuz agoin to whip the entire North, and wich wood, ef
overpowered, submit gracefully and with dignity to annihilation,
and sich, wuz the first to git down on her marrow bones,
and beg for peace like a dorg. Ef yoo intend this talk for the
purpose uv skarin the North, beleeve me when I say that the
North ain't so easy skared ez it wuz. Ef it's intendid for home
consumption, consider me the people. I've heard it before,
and I'll take no more uv it until my stumick settles. It makes
me sick. The fact is we are whipped, and hev got to do the
best we kin. We are a goin to pay the Federal debt, and ain't
goin to pay the Confederit debt. Davis will be hung, and
serve him rite. States rites is dead, and slavery is abolished,
-- 221 -- p635-238
[figure description] Page 221.[end figure description]
and with it chivelry; and it's my opinion the South is a d — d
sight better off without either of em. I kin sware, now,
after livin outside uv the shadder uv the flag four years, that I
love it! You bet I do. I carry a small one in my coat pocket.
I hev a middlin sized one waved by my youngest boy over the
family when at prayers, and a whalin big one wavin over my
house all the time. I hev diskivered that it's a good thing to
live under, and when sich cusses as yoo talk uv what yoo will
and won't do under it, I bile. Go home, yoo cusses, go home!
Yoo, South, and pullin orf yoor coat, go to work, thankin God
that Johnson's merciful enuff to let yoo go home at all, insted
uv hangin yoo up like a dorg, for tryin to bust a Guverment
too good for yoo. Yoo, North, thankful that the men uv sense
uv the North hed the manhood to prevent us from rooinin ourselves
by makin sich ez yoo our niggers. Avaunt!”
And the excited Mr. Maginnis, who is evidently subjoogated,
strode out uv our presence. His intemperit talk cast a chill
over our confidencis, and we didn't resoom with the ease and
freedom we commenced with, and in a few minutes we parted.
I didn't like him.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n39* The McStingers of the South (and there were thousands of them) really
supposed that they would be permitted to take their old places in the government,
and have the same control they had previous to secession.
LXXXIX. A REMARKABLE DREAM. — A COUNTRY SETTLED EXCLUSIVELY BY DEMOCRATS.
Washington, December 1, 1865.
Last nite I wuz the victim uv another dream. Ef I don't
quit this explorin the realms of the fucher in my sleep, I shall
become a second Saint John. Ef so, I make no doubt my
revelations will be uv a remarkably startlin character.
Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power we diskivered
they possest, after the late elecshuns, and had gone the
whole figger. They had forced the South into the humiliashen
-- 222 --
[figure description] Page 222.[end figure description]
uv allowin niggers to testify, and in the Northern states had
given em the elective franchise. Uv course the educated and
refined Democrasy wood never consent to be carried up to the
polls alongside uv a nigger — uv course no Democratic offisseeker
wood hoomiliate himself to treatin a nigger afore a
election, it bein a article uv faith with us never to drink with
a nigger, onless he pays for it.
Therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to submit, the
heft uv the Democrasy determined to emigrate in a body to
some land where the Anglo-Sackson cood rool, — where there
was no mixter of the disgustin African. Mexico wuz the
country chosen, and methawt the entire party, in one solid
column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation. The
peeple on our route wuz all dressed in white, ez a token uv
joy, and from every house hung banners, with inscriptions onto
em, sich ez, —
“Now is our hen-roosts safe!”
“Canada on its way to Mexico!”
“Poor Mexico — we bewail thy fate!”
Our march resembled very much that uv the childern uv
Isrel. Our noses wuz the pillers uv fire by nite, and our breath
the piller uv smoke by day.
On our arrival to Mexico, the natives uv that country, struck
probably with awe at the majestic and flamin expression uv our
countenances, hastily gathered up their linen, and silver spoons,
and hosses, and sich, and retreated to the mountains. It wuz
a compliment to us that them ez hadn't ennything remained.
Finally we reached a plain, where we decided to remain, and,
uv course, the fust thing to do wuz to form a guverment.
Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv Noo York, wuz chosen viva
voce, ez President, and he stept forerd to hev the oath administered
to him, wich wuz to be dun by the oldest Justis uv the
Peece uv the late state uv Noo Jersey, which hez committed
sooicide. Here a new trouble ensood — there wuzn't a Bible
to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty wuz got
over by a New York Alderman yellin out, “Never mind the
oath. What's the yoose uv any oath he takes?” So he wuz
declared President.
Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize the military. He
-- 223 --
[figure description] Page 223.[end figure description]
requested sich ez hed held commissions in the army uv the
United States to step forerd three paces. Gens. Micklelan,
Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, and Slocum stept forerd, and with em
some 4000, a part uv whom hed held quartermasters' commissions
and whose accounts, “just afore the battle, mother,”
didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and others who
hed bin dismist for bein in the rear, when their sooperiors desired
to see em in the front, and who consekently considered
it a d—d Ablishun war, wich they didn't approve uv no how.
Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin his army,
he axed all them who hed bin in the service as privates to step
forerd. 20,000 obeyed, and the President asked the fust one
where he enlisted, who ansered ez follows: —
“At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1000; and at Philadelphia,
April 14, 1864, bounty $700; and at Pittsburg, April
16, 1864, bounty $800; and at Cincinnati, April 19, 1864,
bounty $400; and at —”
“Enough,” said Fernandy, and glancin down the line, and
seein all the faces were uv the same style and expression, he
asked no more uv em any questions.
Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a church, he
desired all who were ministers uv the Gospel to step forerd.
Twenty-one stept out and desired to explain. They cood
not say that they were just now in full connection with any
church. They hed bin, but their unconstooshnel Ablishin Synods
and conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in hoss
tradin, and various other irregularities, and suspended em, and
silenced em and sich, becoz they were Democrats, but —
The President shrugged his sholders, and asked all who cood
read to step out. About one half ansered, and then he requestid
sich uv this number ez cood be prevailed upon to
accept a small office, and who bleeved theirselves fit, to step
out agin, and to my unutterable horror and consternation, every
one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so many bees. Immejitly
there wuz an uproar. Them ez coodent read swore vociferously
that there wuz nothin fair about that arrangement. They
never knowd that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to hold
office in the Democratic party, and they'd never stand that,
and they all stepped out.
-- 224 --
[figure description] Page 224.[end figure description]
Finally it wuz decided that a election should be held at some
fucher time.
The next step wuz to divide em up into employments. The
President requested them ez preferred to foller mechanikle
employments to step out: Sum thirty advanced. Them ez
preferred farmin: About fifty stept out. Them ez expected
to run small groceries:
There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters. Ninetyeight
per cent. uv all — ceptin the officers and preachers —
sprung to the front, but when they saw ther strength, their
faces turned white. “Good Lord!” whispered they; “we
can't make a livin out uv the remainin two per cent. and the
officers and preachers!”
The mass then demanded a division uv the property, that all
mite start alike, but upon takin a inventory, it wuz found not
wuth while to bother about a division.
Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun to another,
“O, for the flesh pots uv the Egypt we left!” “I cood, at
hum, live off my Ablishn nabers.” “There wuz rich men in
our ward, but ez we hed the majority, they paid taxes, which
we spent!” “Ablishnists is pizen, but it is well enough to
hev enough uv em to tax!” and ez wun man, they resolved to
return, and the confusion that resulted from the breakin up
awoke me.
There is onquestionably a moral in the vision. Ez often ez
I hev sighed for perpetual Democratic majorities, I hev sumtimes,
when our party wuz successful, and bid fair to be so
permanently, wondered what we would do with the Treasury
ef we didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to hev the other
party nurse it into pickin condition for us.
I don't think I shood like to live in a unanimous Dimocratic
community.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 225 -- p635-242
XC. A CHANGE OF BASE — KENTUCKY. — A SERMON WHICH WAS INTERRUPTED BY A SUBJUGATED AND SUBDUED CONFEDERATE.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
December 9, 1865.
[figure description] Page 225.[end figure description]
Here in the great State uv Kentucky, the last hope uv
Democrisy, I hev pitched my tent, and here I propose to lay
these old bones when Deth, who hez a mortgage onto all uv us,
shall see fit to foreclose. I didn't like to leave Washinton. I
love it for its memories. There stands the Capitol where the
President makes his appintments; there is the Post Offis Department,
where all the Postmasters is appinted. There it wuz
that Jaxon rooled. I hed a respect for Jaxon. I can't say I
loved him, for he never used us rite. He hated the Whigs ez
bad ez we did, but after we beat em and elevated him to the
Presidency, the stealins didn't come in ez fast ez we expected.
Never shel I forgit the compliment he paid me. Jest after his
election I presented myself afore him with my papers, an applicant
for a place. He read em, and scanned me with a
critic's eye.
“Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?” sez I, inquirinly.
“Certinly,” sez he; “I kin and alluz hev. It's sich ez yoo
I use to beat the Whigs with, and I am continually astonished
to see how much work I accomplish with sich dirty tools. My
dear sir,” sed he, pintin to the door, “when I realize how many
sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how cheap they kin be bought
up, I really tremble for the Republic.”
I didn't get the office I wanted.
Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced to leave it.
I mite hev stayed there, but the trooth is, the planks uv that
city and the pavements are harder, and worse to sleep on, than
those uv any other city in the United Staits. I hed lived two
months by passin myself off ez Dimekratic Congressmen, but
that cood only last a short time, there not bein many uv that
-- 226 -- p635-243
[figure description] Page 226.[end figure description]
persuasion here to personate. I hed gone the rounds uv the
House ez often ez it wuz safe, and one nite commenced on the
Senate. Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich the
gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore me, and I drank.
“Put it down with the rest uv mine,” sez I, with a impressive
wave uv the hand.
“Yoor name?” sez he.
Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, “Do you know
Charles Sumner?”
Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'erleaped herself.
Hed I sed “Saulsbury,” it mite hev ansered, but to give Sumner's
name for a drink uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich
I can't account. I wuz ignominiously kicked into the street.
Drinks obtained at the expense uv bein kicked is cheap, but I
don't want em on them terms; my pride revolted, and so I
emigrated.
I found here a church buildin, uv which the congregation
had bin mostly killed in bushwhackin expeditions, and announcin
myself az a constooshnel preacher from Noo Jersey,
succeeded in drawin together a highly respectable awjence last
Sunday.
Takin for a text the passage, “The wages uv sin is death,”
I opened out ez follows:—
“Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen
from yer normal condishn. Yoor beloved pastor hez a stumick
and a head, wich is in close sympathy with each other, so much
so, indeed, that the principal biznis uv the head is to fill the
stumick, and mighty close work it's been for many years, yoo
bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a nite, a quart or two
more than his usual allowance, more than his stumick absolootly
demands, and his head swells with indignashen. The excess is
sin, and the ache is the penalty.
“The wages uv sin is death! Punishment and sin is ez
unseperable ez the shadder is from the man — one is ez shoor
to foller the other ez the assessor is to come around — ez nite
is to foller day. The Dimekratic party, uv wich I am a ornament,
hez experienced the trooth uv this text. When Douglas
switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuz electid,
and the sceptre departed from Israel. When —”
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 227 --
[figure description] Page 227.[end figure description]
At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv
the house ariz and interrupted me. He sed he hed a word to
say on that subjick which must be sed, and ef I interrupted
him till he got through he'd punch my hed; whereupon I let
him go on.
“Trooly,” sez he, “the wages uv sin is death. I hev alluz
bin a Dimecrat. The old Dimocracy hez bin in the service uv
sin for thirty years, and the assortment uv death it hez received
for wages is trooly surprisin. Never did a party commence
better. Jaxson wuz a honist man, who knew that righteousnis
wuz the nashen's best holt. But he died, and a host uv tuppenny
politicians, with his great name for capital, jumped into his
old clothes, and undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy
cood hev elected a honest man every fourth or fifth term, they
mite hev ground along for a longer period, but alass! Jaxson
wuz the last uv that style we hed, and so many dishonist cusses
wuz then in the Capital that his ghost coodent watch the half
uv them.
“The fust installment uv death we reseeved wuz when Harrison
beat us. The old pollitishens in our party didn't mind it,
for, sez they, `The Treasury woodent hev bin wuth much to
us anyhow after the suckin it has experienced for twelve
years; it needs four years uv rest.' We elected Polk, and
here it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshent compacts
made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in blood. We made
a contract with Calhoonism, and that wuz ritten in blood wich
wuz shed in Mexico. Here we sold ourselves out, boots and
britches, to the cotton Democricy, and don't our history ever
since prove the trooth uv the text, `The wages uv sin is death'?
O, my friends! in wat heavy instalments, and how regularly,
hev these wages bin paid us.
“Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas Write
kicked out, and wood hev gone over agin us hed he not fortunately
died too soon, and skores uv others followed soot. Things
went on until Pierce wuz elected. The Devil (wich is cotton),
whom we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the ring, and wat a
scatterin ensood.
“Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually but
shoorly the work uv death went on. Bookannon wuz elected,
-- 228 --
[figure description] Page 228.[end figure description]
but wuz uv no yoose to us. After Peerse hed run the machine
four yeers, wat wuz there left? Eko ansers. Anuther siftin
follered, and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxson hed
got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to wich we hed sold
ourselves, wood not let us off with this, however. `The wages
uv sin is death,' and we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He
instigated South Karliny to rebel; he indoosed the other Democratic
States to foller; he forced the Northern Democrisy to
support em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke. Dickinson,
and Cass, and Dix, and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wun
by wun the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the
Democratic firmament, leaving Noo Jersey alone, and last fall,
my brethren, she sot in gloom.
“O, how true it is! We served sin faithfully, and where
are we? We went to war for slavery, and slavery is dead.
We fit for a confederacy, and the confederacy is dead. We fit
for States Rites, and States Rites is dead. And Democracy
tied herself to all these corpses, and they hev stunk her to
death.
“Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and whar is Kentucky?
We sent our men to the confedrit army, and none uv
em cum back, ceptin the skulkers, who comprised all uv that
class wich we wood hev bin glad to hev killed. Linkin wantid
to hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid for em. We
held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are taken from us
with nary a compensate. In short, whatever uv good the Devil
promised us in pollitics hez resulted in evil. My niggers is
gone, my plantashen here hez fed alternately both armies, ez
they cavorted backerds and forrerds through the Stait; my
house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to show for my property
is Confedrit money, which is a very dead article uv death.
I know not what the venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a
goin to say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage,
and cant preach a elokent sermon on that text, he aint much on
the preach. I'm done.”
Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I coodn't go on. I
dismist the awdience with a benedickshun, hopin to get em
together when sich prejudiced men aint present.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 229 -- p635-248
XCI. THE EFFECT THE PROCLAMATION OF SECRETARY SEWARD PRODUCED IN KENTUCKY.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
December 20, 1865.
[figure description] Page 229.[end figure description]
*At last! The deed is done! The tyranikle government
which hez sway at Washington hez finally extinguished the
last glimerin flicker uv Liberty, by abolishin slavery! The
sun didn't go down in gloom that nite — the stars didn't fade
into a sickly yeller, at wich obstinacy uv nachur I wuz considably
astonished.
I got the news at the Post Offis, near wich I am at present
stayin, at the house uv a venerable old planter, who accepts
my improvin conversation and a occasional promise, wich is
cheap, ez equivalent for board. Sadly I wendid my way to
his peaceful home, dreadin to fling over that house the pall uv
despair. After supper I broke to em ez gently ez I cood the
intelligence that three fourths uv the States hed ratified the
constooshnel amendment — that Seward had ishued his proclamation,
and that all the Niggers wuz free!
Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on human countenance—
never wuz there despair uv sich depth. All nite long the
bereaved inmates uv that wunst happy but now distracted
home wept and waled in agony wich wuz perfectly heart
rendin.
“Wo is me,” sobbed the old man, wringin his hands.
“John Brown's karkis hangs a danglin in the air, but his sole
is marchin on.
“It took posseshun uv Seward, and through his ugly mouth
it spoke the words `the nigger is free,' and there is no more a
slave in all the land.
“Wunst I hed a hundred niggers, and the men were fat and
-- 230 --
[figure description] Page 230.[end figure description]
healthy, and the wenches wuz strong, and sum uv em wuz fair
to look upon.
“They worked in my house, and my fields, from the risin uv
the sun to the goin down uv the same.
“Wuz they lazy? I catted them till they wuz cured
thereof; for lo! they wuz ez a child under my care.
“Did they run away? From Kentucky they run North, and
lo! the Locofoco Marshals caught them for me, and brought
them back, and delivered them into my hand, without cost,
sayin, lo! here is thy nigger — do with him ez thou wilt (wich
I alluz did), wich wuz cheeper than keepin dogs, and jest ez
good.
“Solomon wuz wise, for he hed uv concubines a suffishensy,
but we wuz wiser in our day than him.
“For he hed to feed his children, and it kost him shekels uv
gold and shekels uv silver, and much corn and oil.
“We hed our concubines with ez great a muchness ez Solomon,
but we sold their children for silver, and gold, and red-dog
paper.”
And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who hed alluz
bin a father to his servants (and a grandfather to many uv em)
poured out his lamentations.
In the mornin the niggers wuz called up, and ez they all hed
their coats on, and hed bundles, I spect they must hev heard
the news. The old gentleman explained the situation to em.
“Yoo will,” sed he, “stay in yoor happy homes — yoo will
alluz continue to live here, and work here, ez yoo hev alluz
dun?”
The niggers, all in korous, with a remarkable unanimity,
remarkt that ef they hed ever bin introdoost to theirselves,
they thought they woodent. In fact, they hed congregated at
that time for the purpose uv startin life on their own hook.
A paroxysm uv pain and anguish shot over the old man's
face. Nearest to him stood a octoroon, who, hed she not bin
tainted with the accurst blood uv Ham, wood hev bin considered
beautiful. Fallin on her neck, the old patriarch, with
teers a streamin down his furrowd cheeks, ejackilated, —
“Farewell, Looizer, my daughter, farewell! I loved yoor
mother ez never man loved nigger. She wuz the solace uv my
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- 231 -- p635-252
[figure description] Page 231.[end figure description]
leisure hours — the companion uv my yooth. She I sold to
pay off a mortgage on the place — she and yoor older sisters.
Farewell! I hed hoped to hev sold yoo this winter (for yoo
are still young), and bought out Jinkins; but wo is me!
Curses on the tyrent who thus severs all the tender ties uv
nachur. O! it is hard for father to part with child, even when
the market's high; but, O God! to part thus —”
And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef, swoonded away
genteelly.
His son Tom hed bin caressin her two little children, who
wuz half whiter than she wuz. Unable to restrain hisself, he
fell on her neck, and bemoaned his fate with tetchin pathos.
“Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children! Farewell,
faro, and hosses, and champane — a long farewell! Your
increase wuz my perquisites, and I sold em to supply my
needs. Hed yoo died, I cood hev bin resigned; for when
dead you ain't wuth a copper; but to see yoo torn away
livin, and wuth $2000 in any market — it's too much, it's
too much!”
And he fainted, fallin across the old man.
“Who'll do the work about the house?” shreekt the old
lady, faintin and fallin across Tom.
“Who'll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us?” shreekt
the three daughters, swoonin away, and fallin across the old
woman.
My first impulse wuz to faint away myself, and fall across the
three daughters; but I restrained myself, and wuz contented
with strikin a attitood and organizin a tablo. Hustlin the niggers
away with a burnin cuss for their ingratitood, I spent the
balance uv the forenoon in bringin on em too. Wun by wun
they became conshus; but they wuz not theirselves. Their
minds wuz evidently shattered; they wuz carryin a heavy
heart in their buzzums.
Wood, O! wood that Seward cood hev seen that groop!
Sich misery does Ablishnism bring in its train — sich horrers
follers a departure from Dimikratik teechins. When will
reason return to the people? Eko answers, When?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n40* Up to the issuing of the Proclamation of Secretary Seward the majority of
the planters of the South expected to be allowed to hold their slaves. They
could not be made to believe that this “outrage” would be inflicted upon
them.
-- 232 -- p635-253
XCII. A CONVERSATION WITH A LOYAL KENTUCKIAN, WHO HAD FAITH IN THE FINAL TRIUMPH OF DEMOCRACY.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
January 6, 1866.
[figure description] Page 232.[end figure description]
*I see a lite. Dimocrisy is not that dead carkis its enemies
hoped for and its friends feared. My noomerous friends here
insisted that ez I wuz growin into the seer and yaller leaf, I
shood abandon Dimocrisy, and flote with the current. I can't.
Ez troo ez the needle to the pole, so am I to Dimocrisy.
Young wimmin flock to marryins, middle-aged ones to bornins,
old ones to buryins, which shows concloosively to the most
limited intelleck wat the mind uv each class runs upon. So it
is with me. To me Dimocrisy is wife, mother, and child.
I hev diskivered many things sence I hev bin in Kentucky—
things wich elevated my deprest heart ez yeast does dough,
wich filled my shrunken soul ez wind does a bladder.
The people uv Kentucky wuz all loyal. Doorin the horrible
fratrisidle war wich hez rent the proud temple uv liberty into
twain, they preserved a strict nootrality. I hed a conversation
with wun old patriarch, who asshoored me that he hed never
taken sides. Upon his honor, he asshoored me that, after battles,
he rifled the corpses uv both armies, impartially. “Cood
any body be more nootraller than that?” he asked. “My
sons,” sed he, “wuz in the Confedrit army. This fact wood
hev turned the affections uv a week-minded man in that direction;
but when I thot uv the boys, I alluz thot also uv that
glorious star-spangled banner, under wich I hed whipped my
niggers and sold their children; under whose shadder I hed
men servants, and made servants, and home-made servants born
-- 233 --
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unto me. That banner hed bin my shield. Ef my niggers run
off, who so prompt in their pursoot ez the Democratic marshals,
wich alluz returned em to me ef it wuz possible? The instooshun
wuz guaranteed to me by solemn compermises, wich we
cocd hev ez often ez we desired. Compermises wuz our best
holt. Whenever we wanted anything, all we hed to do wuz to
ask for it. The Ablishnists wood object, the Dimocrisy wood
draw up a compermise, wich inclooded, ez a rool, twice or three
times wat we asked, and pass it to save the Union. Sich a
Union wuz worth havin, and I opposed all efforts to dissolute
it. Hed the South succeeded, I shood hev gone with em; for
Kentucky alone — the only nigger State in the North — wood
hev bin helpless. Scaldin tears hev I shed when contemplatin
the horrors uv war; but I cood do nothin to avert it. Kentucky
wuz loyal, but nootral.”
I find down here that the loyal citizens uv Kentucky who
hev returned from the Confedrit service are not at all discouraged;
on the contrary, they are hopeful. Sed one to me (I
bleeve he wuz a Kernel under General Forest; indeed, I think
he told me he participated in the glorious victory at Fort
Piller), —
“Why art thou cast down? Things is workin eggsactly to
our hand.”
In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to perseeve it.
“I kin,” sez he. “Lookye, my venerable friend. Is Northern
Dimocrisy still troo?”
“They is,” I replied, “wat few remains. But, alas! war,
crooel war, hez decimated our ranks five times.”
“How so?” sez he. “None uv your kind uv Democrats
joined in this unholy croosade, and fell afore our deth-deelin
swords — did they?”
“Not any,” sez I; “but Canady and Montana took em afore
each draft. That wuz why we wuz so beat at the eleckshuns.
For one week-kneed Ablishnist we scared into our ranks, we
lost two by emigration; and, unfortunitly, wun half that emigrated
starved to death, and tother half is distributed in the
various state's prisons in them lands uv refuge.”
“Still,” sez he, “it matters not. Yoo hev deestricks yoo kin
carry in most uv the States. The Five Points deestrick, in
-- 234 --
[figure description] Page 234.[end figure description]
Noo York, is ours. Noo Jersey will go back to her allegiance.
The new gold States, where so menny uv our friends fled, will
send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez two devoted to us,
Pennsylvany hez several, and the most uv the Northern States
will send one or two; and them from the North kin be depended
on to go any measure we say. Then” — and he
slapped me on the back hilariously — “the niggers is free!”
“Well,” sez I, not seein wat cause for hilarity that wuz.
“Well,” sez he, “them niggers is not now OTHER PERSONS!
We alluz counted five uv em for three in makin up the Congressmen
we wuz entitled to; now they count as white men,
wich increases our delegashuns to sich an extent that ef yoo
Northern men do half yoor dooty, we'll hev a majority in Congress.
Then, good Lord! the pleasant crack uv the whip shel
agin be heard on the plains uv the sunny South. The niggers
wont be re-enslaved; but our Legislaters will speedily redoose
em to their normal condishun. We shel observe the Constitushnel
Amendment strickly and in good faith. The Afrikin shel
be free; but the good uv society demands that he shel be
under proper guardianship. He won't be allowed to change
his location; and the laws uv the States will define his dooties,
and give us the power uv enforcin em. He won't be allowed
to hev arms, so he can't resist. Ez he can't leave a plantation,
he will hev to submit quietly to sich rools ez the high-minded
planter makes for him, or be shot on the spot, or turned out to
die uv starvashun, akording to circumstances. Ef the planter
is a unregenerated child uv damnashun, he will shoot him; ef
he is a saint, who hez a Southern hope uv a blessed immortality
beyond the grave, he'll restrain his anger, and turn him out to
die uv hunger, onless he repents, and comes back humble.
Then, they bein free and responsible for theirselves, we ain't
obleeged to take care uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, so it
will be really better than it wuz before. I see a glorious future
afore us. Thro the thick clouds uv gloom the brite sun uv
hope cheerinly breaks. Say to the Northern Dimocrisy, be uv
good cheer. Agin they shel lick our hands; agin they shel eat
the crumbs that fall from the National table.
“Thank God for the Northern Dimocrisy, with the other
blessins He has given the South. With niggers to do our
-- 235 -- p635-256
[figure description] Page 235.[end figure description]
manual labor for nothing, with Northern Dimocrats to do our
votin at almost the same price, we are trooly a favored people.
Bless the Lord for the nigger and the Dimocrat, wich is both
useful to us, each in his speer!”
I drew encouragement from his remarks. The deep vane
uv pious thankfulness wich run through his discourse was
nateral to him. He is a trooly pious man, and wuz just back
from the meetin uv the Synod uv one uv the Southern churches,
wich still persists in quotin Onesimus and Hayger. I feel
encouraged. O, Dimmycrats uv the North, let us
“Our vigger renoo,
And our journey persoo,”
and I feel shoor that success will at last crown our efforts.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Pastor uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n41* The Southern politicians fancied that the ownership of the land would give
them absolute power over the negroes, forgetting that the labor of their late
slaves was just as valuable as the land; that without that labor the land was
valueless. It was some years before they discovered that the negro could think,
and act from his knowledge as white men did.
XCIII. A PLAN SUGGESTED FOR THE UP-BUILDING OF THE DEMOCRACY.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
January 27, 1866.
Halleloogy! halleloogy! halleloogy! I see a lite! It
beams onto me! It penetrates me! It fills me! Joy to the
world!
I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the Dimocrisy.
I seed it yesterday. I wuz a wanderin on the neighborin hills,
a musin onto the cussednis uv humanity ez exemplified in the
person uv the grocery keeper at the Corners, who unanimusly
refoozed to give me further credit for corn whisky, wich is the
article they yoose in this country to pizen theirselves with.
He asshoored me that he hed the utmost regard for my many
virtues; but he diskivered that the one he prized the most I
-- 236 --
[figure description] Page 236.[end figure description]
hedn't so many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker. Therefore
the account mite be considered closed. Then, for the fust
time in my life, I bleeved in total depravity.
While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark cloud wich
fell across my pathway, and the fall uv the Dimocratic party, I
came onto a party of men borin for oil. Then the trooth flashed
over me. Their operations showed me the way to success —
the shoor path to triumph.
“When,” said I to myself, “when men seek gain they bore
for it. They go down — never up.” Even so with the Dimocrisy.
We dug downward, downward, downward, through all
the strata uv society. We went through the groceries; the
next stratum was the most ignorant uv the furiners; then we
struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below them, the
heft uv the people uv Noo Jersey; then Southern Illinoy and
Indiana; then Pike county, Missouri; and so on. We never
went upward for converts, cause 'twant no use. When a man
wanted to jine us he alluz hed to come down. We got lots of
converts.
There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft uv Democrats
who wuznt born in the party hev slid down; to wit: —
Quarter dollar smiles. 15 cent nips. 10 cent drinks. 5 cent
sucks. A flat flask conceeled. A bottle openly. Dimocrisy.
We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we
hev now kills off our voters too fast; and the tax on whisky
forced two thirds uv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez
they begun to git on their feet they jined the Ablishnists.
Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuz no lower stratum to
dig into, and give up in disgust,
But I hev diskivered that lower stratum — I hev found it;
and when the idea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, I
shouted Halleloogy! The nigger is the lower stratum; and
ef we bore down to it, and work it thoroughly, we hev, at least,
a twenty years' lease uv power.
We must cultivate the nigger. He must hev the suffrage!
It is a burnin shame, that, in this Nineteenth Century, in the
full blaze uv intelligence, livin under a Declarashun which declares
all men “free and ekal,” that a large body uv men shood
be denied the glorious privilege uv bein taken up to the poles
-- 237 --
[figure description] Page 237.[end figure description]
and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he not taxed ez we
are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv em
own property? Is he not amenable to all the laws, even ez
we is? Then why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a
vote? Ah! why, indeed?
“But this is Ablishnism!” methinks I hear a obtoose Dimocrisy
observe in horrer. “And why give them votes who
will use em agin us?”
My gentle friend, will they use their ballot agin us? Ef I
know myself, I think not. Kin they read? Kin they write?
Aint the bulk uv em rather degraded and low than otherwise?
Aint that the kind uv stock we want, and the kind wich hez
alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz bin agin us. Every skoolmaster
is a engine uv Ablishnism; every noosepaper is a cuss.
General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked God there wuzn't
a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo spoze
a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite
ez him in Congress year after year?
Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pass, givin
representashen to voters alone. The Democratic States will
hev more members uv Congress and more electoral votes than
afore the war; and them States we kin depend on.
But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them niggers
ain't needed in the South. We'll send em North. A few thousand
will overbalance the Ablishn majority in Noo Jersey; fifty
thousand will bring Ohio back to the fold; the same number
will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the country is
saved — we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pit
the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into hisself; the club he cut
for us will break his own head.
Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez perceded from
Nazareth. The nigger smells sweeter to me now than Nite
bloomin Serious; he is more precious to me than gold, or silver,
or preshus stones. He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He
shel lift me into a Post Orfis. We must give our Afrikin
brother, — for is he not a man and a brother? — not only the
suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give
it to him. I want Garrit Davis to instantly interdoose a bill
into the Senate givin each family a quarter section uv land, a
-- 238 --
[figure description] Page 238.[end figure description]
pair uv mules, and a cook stove; and each female Afrikin
brother two flarin calico dresses and a red bonnet. I want
him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more than two
hours, so that it will stand some chance uv passin. On second
thought, I guess some other man hed better interdoose the
bill, as the Senate hez got into sich a habit uv votin down
everything he proposes, that they'd slather this without considerin
it, on general principles.
Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it'll
take twenty years afore the Ablishinists kin educate em up to
the standard uv votin their tikkit; and even that time won't
do it if we kin git the tax taken off uv whiskey, so that we kin
afford to use it ez in the happy days uv yore.
Joyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new
temple uv Dimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two niggers,
and hev bin shakin hands and enquirin after the health uv the
families uv all I hev met. It's rather hard for an orthodox
Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is rather wrenchin on the conshence.
But what uv that? The Dimocrat who hez follered
the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich a
triflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich glorious
results.
“There's a lite about to gleem,
There's a fount about to streem,
Wait a little longer!”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 239 -- p635-260
XCIV. ENJOYS A VISION OF THE NEXT WORLD, SEEING THEREIN MANY CURIOUS THINGS, WHICH ARE PUBLISHED AS A WARNING TO POLITICIANS.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
February 5, 1866.
[figure description] Page 239.[end figure description]
Last nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at precisely half
past eleven, after eatin a rather light supper for that time uv
night. I alluz make it a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I'm
gittin old, and my digestive faculties ain't what they wuz when
I wuz young. Alas! we who hev lived out the best part uv
our days, wat wood we give to be set back to the time when,
with our faculties unimpaired, we cood consoom a good square
meal without fear uv consekenses! But
“Them happy days is fled,
And never will return.”
I paid my respecks to two mince pies, a pair uv pig's feet,
some cold tongue, and a plate uv tripe, follered by a half dozen
doughnuts, and a couple or more uv glasses uv hot whisky
punch; and singler ez it may seem, it didn't set well. I
dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt at all pleasant. Methawt
I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It wuz a
singler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this
world and the next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every
deceest spirit hed to cross it. The water wuz suthin like that
uv the Dead Sea. A man, unencumbered with anything, cood
walk on it, but they sunk down in it ef they wuz loaded,
accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother side uv this
Jordan wuz heaven; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the
1st wuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which
took all them ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins
above water.
On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils,
who flung onto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross, their
failins, and weaknesses, and iniquities.
-- 240 -- p635-261
[figure description] Page 240.[end figure description]
General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the
flood. He hed on a life preserver, labelled “States Rights;”
but a peert little devil stuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the
gas with wich it wuz filled smellin horribly. Down he went,
and ez he sunk, they commenced peltin him with packages
labelled “Treason,” “Perjury,” and “Murder,” and John C.
went under.
Old James Buchanan went next. The old gentleman didn't
keep above water as long ez a able-bodied man could hold a bar
uv red-hot iron in his hand. He made one splash, when a
weight labelled “Treason” struck him, and down he went.
The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in charge had
a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge at him, but that
one wuz sufficient.
Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see no one
make a motion at him, but he sank all the same. “We never
waste effort,” sed Satan to me; “he carries enough natural
cussedness about him, all the time, to sink him, without pilin
any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old.”
Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter.
He wuz immediately seezed, and on each leg wuz tied a weight
labelled “Kansas,” and they flung him in. He went down like
a shot, and that's the last I seed uv him.
Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed over safely.
Nothing wuz flung at him, for wich I asked the reason.
“Why,” sed Satan, “the poor old man isn't accountable.
He commenced to talk many years ago, and keeps on talkin
because he really don't know when to stop. I could hev sunk
him, but the fact is, I woodent endoor what the Senit uv the
United States hez hed to, for the past few years, for a dozen uv
Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I'm gettin more from Kentucky
now than I am really entitled to. I've a mortgage on two thirds
uv that State.”
Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered
the flood ez though they were sure uv goin through all right.
With an inimitable chuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperienced
devils, and sed, “Leave em to me,” and at Ben he hurled
a package uv the New York News, wich swashed him down
instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin to reach the other
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 241 --
[figure description] Page 241.[end figure description]
shore, he flung onto him an assortment uv weights, labelled
“Lotteries” and “Riots,” which took him down to the armpits,
and finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz
written “Mayoralty,” and down he went; at wich His Majesty
drew a sigh uv relief.
Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked unto
him, —
“This war hez bin a rather profitable thing for yoo.”
“Nothin to speak uv,” sed he. “The leaders uv the Southerners
were, sum uv em, honest, and got through on that
account, and the rank and file were ignorant wretches, who
ain't accountable, nohow. The leading Copperheads uv the
North were mine, anyhow, from the beginning. Any man who
cood sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must, yoo
will acknowledge, hev hed a long career uv iniquity to fit em
for sich a sin. Why,” sed he, “do yoo think I use all the shot
I hev? Not any. Them yoo've seen piled on were used
because, bein the last, they were on the top uv the pile.
“Any quantity uv yoor party escaped me. Them fellows
who are yet votin for Jackson I'll never git, and the most uv
them ez alluz votes unscratched tickets will dodge me. Their
innocence protects em. It takes a modritly smart man to be
vishus enuff to come to me; he hez to hev sense enuff to distinguish
between good and evil, cussednis enuff to deliberately
choose the latter, and brains enuff to do suthin startlin in that
line. Dan Voorhees, uv Injeany, hez all these qualities developed
to a degree wich excites my profound respect. Between
him and Fernandy Wood it's nip and tuck. Fernandy did
wicked things with more neatnis than Voorhees, but for a actual
love uv doin em Voorhees beets the world. I sed,” continued
he, “that the war wuzn't uv much yoose to me. I repeat it;
it wuz a damage. Afore the war, I hed my own way, pretty
much, in the Southern States. For every octoroon, I cood
count on at least two planters, and under the patriarkle system
uv Afrikin slavery (wich, by the way, wuz wun uv my most
brilliant consepshuns), octooroons multiplied with a rapidity
pleasin to behold. But now, alas! the octooroon bizniss is
done, and my best holt is gone. I hev some little hope, however.
The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger I didn't think they
-- 242 --
[figure description] Page 242.[end figure description]
possest. Ef they kin only git strength enuff to elect the next
President and re-establish slavery! The thought fills me with
unutterable joy. The redoosin of the nigger to bondage agin
wood give me a clean title to evry last one who helped to do it,
and in gittin em back into their normal condishun (by the way,
that's another phrase uv mine), ther'd be enuff slaughterin and
murders to satisfy several sich Satans ez I am. I'd help em
ef I knowd how, but I can't improve on either their speekers
or writers, and ez long ez men will do my work gratis, I don't
see the yoose uv interferin.”
At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to push me
into the stream, and in the struggle I awoke. My dreem wuz
o'er, but the impreshun remained. “Kin it be,” mused I, pensively,
“that we are doin the devil's work, and are we to be
finally rewarded in the manner I saw in my vision? Ef so,
hedn't I better quit and repent?”
But I thought agin, that however it mite be for younger
men, it wood be uv no yoose for me. I hed voted the strait
ticket for thirty years, and the ten or twelve years I hed to
live wuz too short a time in which to repent successfully uv
sich iniquity. So I sank into sleep agin, this time dreemin
that I had turned Fenian — hed elected myself Hed Centre
for the Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin $75,000 in a
magnificent plantashun.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 243 -- p635-266
XCV. THE SITUATION. — THE DEMOCRACY WARNED.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
February 15, 1866.
[figure description] Page 243.[end figure description]
*I hev hed hopes uv Androo Johnson. My waitin sole hez
bin centred onto him for a year back. He wuz the Moses wich
I spected wood lead the Democrisy out uv the desolate Egypt
into which we hev bin making bricks without straw for five
long weary and dreary years. O, how I hev yearned for Johnson!
O, how I hev waited, day after day, and week after
week, and month after month, for some manifestation uv Dimocrisy
wich is satisfactory — suthin tangible — suthin that I
cood take hold on.
Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the evidence
of things not seen; wich is all right so fur ez religion is concerned,
but uv no account in politix. A friend uv mine, who
wuz a monomaniac on the subjick uv faith, undertook to live
on it, under the insane belief that ef a man had faith, pork
wuz unnecessary. Wuz the experiment a success? Not
any. When he commenst the trial he weighed 200; in a
week he wuz down to 125; and in fourteen days he slept in
the valley!
I hev been livin on faith for a year or more, and I too am
thin. My bones show; light shines through me; I am faint
and sick. O, for suthin that I can see and feel — suthin
solid!
Our Dimocratic newspapers are supportin Androo Johnson.
They claim that his policy is our policy; that he is ourn, and
we are hizn. They are singin hosanners to him. At his every
act they exclaim Halleloogy! in chorus. What is it all about?
In what partikeler hez Androo Johnson showed hisself to be a
-- 244 --
[figure description] Page 244.[end figure description]
Dimokrat? In the name uv Dimocrisy let me ask, “Where is
the offices?” Who's got em? What is the politikle convicshuns
uv the wretch who is post master at the Corners, and
who only last nite refused, in the most heartless manner, to
trust me for postage stamps? Who is the Collectors, the Assessors,
et settry? Are they constitooshnel Dimokrats? Is
Stanton, and Seward, and Welles histed out uv the cabinet, and
Vallandigum, and Brite, and Wood appinted in their places?
Not onct. Every post master, every collector, every assessor,
every officer, is a Ablishinist, dyed deeply and in fast colors.
Faith without works is a weak institution; its like a whisky
punch with the whisky omitted, wich is a disgustin mixter uv
warm water and sugar. What is it to me (who hev bin ready
to accept any position uv wich the salary wuz sufficient to
maintain a individooal uv simple habits) who is beheaded, so
ez I don't get a place? Androo Johnson may cut off offishl
heads ez dexterously and profoosely ez he chooses; but my
sole refuses to thrill when I know that Ablishnists, though uv
a different stripe, will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are
kept out, what care I who hez the places? Paul may plant
and Apollus water; but uv what account is the plantin and
waterin to me ef I don't get the increase? I take no delight
in sich spectacles. Ef Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimocrat, —
ef he desires the honest, hearty support uv the party,—
let him seel his faith with works.
I visited Washington with the express purpose uv seein the
second Jackson. I am a frank man, and I laid the matter afore
him without hesitation. I told him that the Postmaster at the
Corners wuz opposin his policy and aboosin him continually;
that it wuz a outrage that men holdin place under the Administration
should not sustain the Administration. In the name
uv Right, I demanded a change.
I sposed that to-wunst the position would be offered to me;
and that after protestin a sufficient time that I did not wish it,
and would prefer the appintment of some more worthy man, I
should accept it, and go home provided for three years. Imagine
my deep, my unutterable disgust, when he told me that
he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood make a
change, provided he could find, in the vicinity, some original
Union man who would accept the place.
-- 245 --
[figure description] Page 245.[end figure description]
Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that in him we
had no lot nor part.
Our principles are uv a very comprehensive nature. We
are willin to endorse Androo Johnson, or any other man. We
will endorse his theories uv Reconstruction, or any man's theories.
We are elastic, like Injy rubber. The boy who set a
hen on a hundred eggs acknowledged to his maternal parent
that she could not kiver em; but he remarked he wanted to
see the old thing spred herself. We have that spreadin capacity.
We kin accommodate the prejudices uv the people uv all
the various localities. In Connecticut we are singin John
Brown's body lies a mouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud
tone, and supporting a Ablishnist who voted for doin away with
slavery in the District of Columby and for the Constooshnel
Amendment. In Kentucky we are hangin men uv the John
Brown style, and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv the Connecticut
nominee. Sich a variety uv principle, — a party uv sich
adaptibility, — kin hev but one great central idee, on wich
there is no diversity uv opinion, and to which all other ideas is
subordinate. That idea is Post Office! and ef Androo Johnson
could be got rite on that question, we'd care not wat else
he required uv us.
We hev our arms around Androo. We are huggin him to
our buzzums; but he hez left his baggage to hum. That baggage
is wat we want; and we shel fling him off shortly, onless
he changes his policy in this respeck. He kin hev us on easy
terms; but he must furnish the ammunishun with which to
fight his battles. Will he do it? That's the question a hundred
thousand hungry soles, who hanker even ez I do, are daily
askin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n42* The Democratic leaders were in great doubt in 1866 as to the policy of adopting
President Johnson, and President Johnson was for a time in doubt as to
the propriety of adopting the Democracy. The President wanted the Democracy,
but he also desired to retain in his party the “conservative” Republicans,
and therefore at the beginning of his trouble his appointments were all made
from the latter class, much to the disgust of the former.
-- 246 -- p635-269
XCVI. THE PRESIDENT'S 22D OF FEBRUARY SPEECH.
Washington, February 23, 1866.
[figure description] Page 246.[end figure description]
*I don't know; but there is a still small voice within me
wich whispers, “All is well!” The delusive phantom, Hope,
may be playin false with me. The wish may be paternal parient
to the thought, and I may be indulgin in a dream from wich I
shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened; but it's my opinion that
the day-star uv glory hez ariz onto the Dimocracy; that our
night uv gloom is over; and that, at last, the Government, or
at least the only part we care about, — the offisis, — is ourn. I
heerd Androo Johnson speak last nite! I stood beside him! I
helpt hold him up! I smelt his breath. It's all rite!
I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied assortment
uv Ablishn abominashens, — the Freedmen's Burow bill, — notwithstandin
there were pints in his message I coodent sanction.
The veto wuz heavenly, but his reasons were unsound. When
he expressed hisself ez bein determined upon sekoorin the niggers
in their rites, I felt fearful that there wuz a honest difference
uv opinion atween him and Congress wich mite be settled,
and then what wood become uv us? Ef the niggers is to hev
rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked myself, what difference
does it make to us whether they hev em by Charles Sumner's
system (on whose head rest cusses!), or A. Johnson's! And
ez is customary when men ask theirselves questions, I got no
answer. Men never ask theirselves questions wich kin be
answered.
But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little Sam Cox, and
Dan Voorhees, and the Woods, and me, hed bin with Androo
all day. The Ablishnists avoided him after the veto; and
knowin he'd done suthin he wuzn't quite shoor wuz wise, he
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needed bracin up, and we wuz ready to brace him. Isn't it
singular that men, when they go to the devil, alluz go in
squads? Cox hed him cornered all day, a readin to him extrax
from Forney's Press, and choice selections from Sumner's
speeches; and Voorhees and the others wuz a intimatin to him
that only in the buzzum uv the Dimocrisy cood he find that
congeniality uv sperit so nessary to him; and by the time the
serenade wuz ready, he wuz ez full uv venom ez wuz possible,
and his capacity in that line is immense.
The company all went with him onto the stand, and my eyes
saw the first cheerin vision wich they hev beheld for years.
Before us stood ten thousand or more Dimocrats. There wuz
the veteran from Lee's army in his soot uv gray, which hed, by
continued contact with the pavements uv Washington — wich,
not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookannon's time, they
don't sweep — become somewhat uv the color uv the clay.
There wuz the offiser who surrendered with Johnston, and
them noble sons uv Baltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston, who,
though they didn't serve their section in the field, were ardent
in their support uv the cause. There were the old-style
Dimocrats uv the North, whose faith in Johnson's Dimocrisy,
based upon the scene wich took place at the inauguration,
wuz greater than mine, hed come on with their applications
for Post Offises, and who jined so heartily in the cheers wich
went up for J. Davis: and there, addressin this crowd, wuz a
President — the man who had the appintin power in his hands—
who cood make and unmake Post Masters!
It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go through
with it? Wood he lock horns with Wade and Sumner, and
dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens? Wood he? He wavered and
shrunk back ez he saw the style uv the awdience before him;
for he hed bin, for four years, accustomed to better dressed
people. But Cox wuz ekal to the emergency. Samyooel
whispered into his ear, “Charles the I.!”* and flamin up like
a conflagratid oil well, he waded in. Then I felt that it wuz all
right. Then my soul expanded; and ez he went on, pilin
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Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usin Tennessee stump slang, improved
by a liberal mixture uv the more desprit variety he
hed picked up in Washington and Baltimore, I felt that it wuz
indeed well with us. He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dimokrats;
and it wuz appreciated. Strippin off all the disguise
he hed bin a wearin for four years, — washin off, in rage and
whisky, the varnish and putty with wich he hed shined up his
dullness, and filled up the cracks and cavities wich hed alluz
troubled him, — he stood forth ez we knowd him — Androo
Johnson! How he did froth and foam! How he did lash his
late associates! and how those Dimokrats who came to Washinton
with petitions for places in their pockets did wink at each
other, and poke each other in the ribs, with exultation and
jocularity wich they cood not conceal! And how the Ablishnists,
wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in the hope
that he wood declare himself in sich a way ez to give em some
hope, did walk away sorrowful and sore, ez tho they felt that
they hed a new trouble afore em! And how the soljers uv
Lee, and the quartermasters wich hed made Richmond their
headquarters doorin the war, did cheer and sling their hats
into the air, and in the uncontrollable enthoosiasm uv the
moment invariably snatch better ones from the heads uv the
Northern men in the crowd! It wuz gorjus.
While His Eggslency's course gives me hope, I don't want it
to be understood that I am prepared to fully and entirely
indorse him. I don't go much on men who do things in a state
uv madnis; neither do I invest heavy in that Dimokrat wich
requires an extra load uv likker to make him act and talk like
a Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimokrat — a
ginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his learnin to read, in
his yooth, gave him a preëminence over us in Tennessee, and
put him through the various places he hez filled. His affinities
wuz with us; his style wuz our style, and his habits our habits;
and he hed no biznis to ever git out uv the fold. I cannot
forget that he went back on us at a critikle time in the history
uv the party. He saw that the effort the Dimocrisy uv the
South wus makin to regain their rites wood be a failure; the
aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and refoozed to
recognize him; but all this shood not hev affected him. It's
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the normal condishn uv the lower grade uv Dimokrats to be
snubbed; and they hev no rite to inquire whether anything
the aristocracy uv the party propose is goin to be a failure or
not. It's their dooty to obey orders without questioning.
Wat spiled Johnson wuz Massachoosits. He pretended to be
loyal, and Massachoosits patted him on the back. They took
him into good society. They let him associate with Sumner
and sich, and the man became infatuated. He got to drinkin
high priced drinks, and wearin clean shirts, and begun to ape
the manners uv those into whose sphere he hed bin thrown.
There wuz these two opposin forces contendin within him —
nateral proclivities and acquired tastes — wich may be represented
by whiskey out uv a jug, and mint juleps at Willard's.
Massachoosits wuz a pullin him up, and North Carolina wuz
pullin him down. He wantid to stay with Massachoosits, but
he wuz uncomfortable all the time; and finally nacher asserted
her supremacy, and he broke over, and like the water long confined
in a dam, when it's bustid its obstructions, and goes, it
goes with a looseness, and tears up, and takes a very large
quantity uv dirt and drift wood with it.
Before I tie myself to A. J., I want to know for certin what
he proposes to do. Who is to hev the Post Offisis? Is
Ablishnists to still retain the places uv trust and profit? Does
he propose to organize a new party, made up uv sich Republikins
ez he can indoose to foller him and the Dimocrisy? Ef
so, I ain't in. Decidedly, I ain't in. Emphatically, count me
out. For the reason, that he kin git jist enuff Republikins,
precisely, and no more, to fill the offisis, and they will be uv
sich a character ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I won't
be tail to no kite. We are willin to play kite; but tail, never!
Ef we boost Androo Johnson, Androo Johnson must boost us.
Does he think we kin carry sich a load ez he is for nothin?
Nary. Ef we hev a consoomin desire to git along without
offisis, we are doin very well at that now, we thank yoo; and
we heven't the responsibility uv the Administration uv a exstremely
shaky man to carry. Sich loads must be paid for.
But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself loose from
Sumner and Stevens; and in less than a week every Republikin
uv modrit sensibilities will be aboozin uv him to that
-- 250 -- p635-273
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extent that he won't be able to git back agin. He's a animal
uv the bull kind; and criticism and opposition is to him the
red flag wich the Spanish matadors wave afore the animals
they wish to infooriate, and they may drive him into our
ranks.
I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git a commission,
with the broad seel uv the Postmaster General onto it,
confirmin me in the possession uv the post orfis at the Corners,
I shel bless the day that Androo Johnson left us, and prokoored
his elevation to the Presidency. May the day be hastened!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n43* The famous, or rather infamous, speech of the 22d of February, 1866, settled
the status of President Johnson, and indicated clearly his purpose of turning
his back upon the loyal men of the country. He continued, however, to
appoint Republicans to office, and refused to commit himself specifically to the
Democracy. The real Republicans abandoned him from that moment.
eaf635n44* Mr. Sumner, in a speech, spoke of President Johnson as the American
“Charles I.”
XCVII. THE PRESIDENT IMPLORED TO SHOW HIS HAND.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
February 29, 1866.
*I notice, all over the North, the Democrisy is a firin guns,
and marchin after brass bands, and hirin halls for endorsin
Androo Johnson. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I protest!
In the name uv suffrin Kentucky, uv wich State I am a adopted
citizen, I protest! In the name uv common sense and ordnary
politikle sagacity, I protest!
Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road to Dimocrisy;
but, ez yet, what ashoorence hev we? Am I datin my
letters from “Post Orfis, Confedrit × Roads?” Hez there
bin, as yit, any well authenticated case uv the removal uv a
Ablishnist, and the apintment uv a constooshnel Democrat in
his stead? Not that I hev heard of. Per contra, the Ablishnists—
them ez wuz appinted by Linkin — are still holdin on,
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ez calm ez a summer mornin, without any apparent fear uv any
change affectin them.
Who pays for the Halls? Who pays the music? Who pays
the Powder? Dimocrats who do these scent Post Offises in
the distance. Are they like the war hoss in Job's writins, who
smelled the battle afar off, and remarked Ha, Ha! to the trumpets?
Let me entreat sich that they kin make a better investment
uv their means. The cost uv one meetin, put in korn
whisky, wood not only solace theirselves, but start half a dozen
Ablishnists on the road to Dimocrisy.
Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo Johnson myself,
and principally becoz Vallandigum and Fernandy Wood hev
hopes. Them buzzards kin smell carrion a long distance, and
they are seldom at fault. In this case, they may be. They
base their hopes on Johnson's speech, at Washington, on the
22d. There may be suthin in it; but ain't it possible that the
stench wich they took for Dimocrisy, and wich they sposed
cum from Johnson, ariz from them ez surrounded him?
“But,” sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long continued lack
of supplies, hez softened down from a generous crimson to a
ghastly bloo, and who woodent hev a small post orfis at no
price, ef it wuznt offered him, “look at the class he spoke to.”
Wat noncence! Androo wuz mad. There wuz a mass uv
bile on his politikle stumick wich must be got rid uv. He had
sum nasty things to say, and it wuz a part uv the eternal fitness
uv things that he shood hev a nasty audience to say
em to.
I don't propose to go orf into spasms over the present situashun.
Johnson proposes to continue the Freedmen's Buro, and
hezn't no noshen of repealin the test oath, or uv drawin the
military out uv the Dimocratik States. So far as heard from,
we uv the South is still in a stait of abject cussitood. Our
habis corpuses wich Linkin took away from us heven't bin returned,
and we are obleeged to git along ez best we kin without
em. I knocked down a small nigger yisterday, for the
purpus uv assertin the sooperiority uv the Caucashun race
over the Afrikin, and wuz to-wunst hauled up afore a Freedmen's
Buro, and fined. Our high-toned and chivalrous members
are exclooded from Congris on the frivolus plea that they
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wuz kernels and briggydeer Ginerals in the Confederit servis;
and all these outrages agin Dimocrisy Androo Johnson, by permittin,
absolootly approves.
I could probably swaller all these things. I am a Dimokrat
uv thirty years standin, and, uv course, hev bin on both sides
uv every politikle fence. The seat of my politikle pants is
full uv slivers. But. before I take down these things, I
WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GIT FOR
IT. Ef Androo Johnson goes back on his party and his
pledges, he, uv course, asks us to go back on ourn. In sich
transactions, where both parties, by bein engaged in it at all,
confess themselves ruther a low grade of scoundrels, I think it
well enuff to hev the consideration paid down.
Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the terms. I am
his to command, for a consideration; ez much so ez is the
thousands uv Demokrats who hev bin, for the past week, gittin
up demonstrations. But I want suthin to go on. When I hev
his permission, under the broad seel uv the Post Orfis Department,
to write “P. M.” after my illustrious name, I shell be
prepared to wade in. I hev bin huntin up several reasons for
supportin him. I hev em all ready. I only want this additional
one, and then I fling my banner to the breeze. Faith is
sed to be the sun of all religious systems. Post Offis is the
central figger in all Democratic creeds — the theme uv conversation
by day, and the staple uv dreems by night. How long!
oh, how long!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n45* Democratic politicians organized meetings in all the Northern States, in approval
of the President's speech, and the policy it foreshadowed, all of which
were engineered by men who yearned for the comfortable offices occupied by
their political enemies. The majority of them got their reward subsequently.
-- 253 -- p635-276
XCVIII. THE PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM. — AN AFFECTING APPEAL IN BEHALF OF A FRIEND.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
March 19, 1866.
[figure description] Page 253.[end figure description]
Yesterday I happened to pick up a copy uv a friteful depraved
Ablishin paper, and my horror-stricken eyes wuz glued
to the follerin passage, which I read: —
“I am happy to state to you that our free negroes are doing
finely. We have no trouble with them. They have all gone
to work manfully. They give an impetus to trade that we
never before had. I have sold John Guttle's negroes, this year
and last, more goods than I ever sold Guttle, and he owned
two hundred and fifty slaves. So you see the free negro system
is working well with us.”
Ez I peroozed them lines, tears started involuntarily from
my beamin eyes, and coursed in torrents down my venerable
cheeks. I know John Guttle well, I may say intimately. He
wuz a dear friend, — one uv the few wich I call friend in the
most comprehensive sense uv the word. He holds my note
for eighteen dollars and 63 cents; and I hev sumwhere among
my papers, wich I have always carefully preserved for reference,
a memorandum uv his address, that I might be shoor not
to forget to send it to him. I give him the note becoz he furnished
the paper, and it made him easy in his mind — I put
down the memorandum becoz it looked business-like. Benevolence
is a prominent trait in my character. When givin my
note for borrered money will do a man good, I never begrudge
the trouble uv writin it.
But wat I wuz a goin to say wuz, that the feendishnis uv
that item passes belief. The writer puts it in print to show
that the Ablishn uv slavery benefitted sumbody. I grant him
that the merchant, who undoubtedly wuz born in Massachoosetts,
wuz benefitted by the change; so are the greasy mechanics
who are now pollutin the soil uv Alabama; and so, probably,
are the 250 niggers; but, in the name uv Liberty, in the name
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uv Justice, in the name uv the Constitooshun uv the United
States, and the flag uv our Common Country, I ask, How about
John Guttle?
John Guttle is robbed. John Guttle is deprived uv his
property. The bread is taken from John Guttle's mouth; his
staff is broken; his dependence is gone; he is bereft.
Never shall I forget John Guttle or his hospitable mansion,
ez I knowed it in the happy years afore the crooel war. He
wuz a gentleman uv the old school — one uv the few left us
in these degenerate days. His home wuz wun uv unalloyed
happiness. Situated just back uv Mobeel, he had the finest
plantashun in that section, and hed on it 250 niggers. All
shades wuz represented. There wuz the coal-black Cuffee,
whose feechers denoted the pure Afrikin, and whose awkward
manners showed that he wuz not long from Afrika. There
wuz the civilized mulatto, in whose veins the Guttle blood
showed; the quadroon, in whom the good old Guttle blood
predominated; and the octoroon, which wuz mostly Guttle.
The Guttleses wuz eminently a Christian generation. They
wuz devoutly pious; and there never wuz one uv the name
who cood not repeat, without the book, all uv the texts bearin
on slavery. The passages in which Onesimus and Hager figger
wuz favorites with em; but on “cussid be Canaan” they wuz
strong. For generations they had mourned over the hard fate
uv the sons uv Ham, doomed to perpetual bondage becoz uv
the sin uv their father; and with a missionary spirit ekaled by
few and excelled by none, they did their part towards redoosin
that cuss, by makin ez many of em ez possible half-brothers to
the more favored race uv Japhet, and thus bringing uv em out
uv the cuss; and they hed mellered the color uv their charges
down from the hideous black to a bright yeller. Under the
old patriarkle system, time passed off smoothly and pleasantly
with the Guttle family. Them 250 niggers wuz obliged, uv
course, to work, and their labor wuz money. John bought
each uv the male sons uv Ham two soots uv clothes per annum,
and each uv the female sons uv Ham one soot. It wuz considered
healthy for the young ones to go naked, which they
wuz religiously allowed to do, ez none uv the Guttles uv that
family wood do any thing agin nater or her laws. The girls
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hed pianos, and wuz educated at the North; the boys wuz
celebrated for horse racing and their skill at losin money at
faro. They wuz hospitable and generous to a fault. Their
house wuz open house, and their beverages wuz alluz the best.
Money wuz no objick to them; for when they had a severe
attack of poker, or faro, or hoss racin, they hed plenty uv
octoroons and quadroons, with the real Guttle nose, wich brand
wuz well known in Noo Orleans, and wood alluz command the
highest possible figger that wuz paid in that market; or, ef
they had no more than they wanted at home uv that style, why,
a few field hands wood be sold, and the remainin ones wood be
persuaded by the overseer to do the work uv the whole. John
Guttle's sons wuz all in the Confederit army. His daughters,
willin to sacrifice every thing fur the cause, heroically pledged
theirselves to whip the niggers theirselves doorin their absence.
Now all is changed! A shadder hez fallen across that peaceful
home. The nigger quarters is there, but the niggers is
not. The broad plantashun is divided up into small farms, and
half uv it is owned by Ablishnists from the North, who work
theirselves, and who hev a meetin house on one corner uv it,
and the niggers a school house on the tother. The race track
is plowed up and in cotton; the whippin-post and the stocks is
taken down and burned; all, all the evidences uv civilizashun
hez faded afore the ruthless hand uv the invader. John Guttle—
that generous old man — subsists by the labor uv his own
hands. One uv his sons ekes out a miserable existence running
a dray in Mobeel; another, who is gifted with no ordinary
intelleck, earns a respectable living playing seven-up, in a small
way, with his former niggers; and the two girls is runnin a
sewing masheen.
Talk not to me uv benefits. What is a dozen tradesmen and
two hundred and fifty niggers to the glorious old Dimocratic
John Guttle? What is the interest uv a dozen or so uv Noo
England mechanics, and the niggers aforesaid, when compared
to that glorious aristocracy which can never exist beside em?
Kin I go and borrer eighteen dollars and sixty-three cents uv
one uv them? No. Becoz, working for their paltry livins,
they place a higher value on money, and will not spread it
around ez profoosely ez the noble race which preceded em.
-- 256 -- p635-279
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Another great wrong is done in this setting free uv John
Guttle's niggers. John Guttle hez, uv course, no further
interest in the Dimocratic party. Slavery wuz the umbillikle
cord which united the Southern slaveholder and the Northern
Dimocrat; and, that cord cut, why hez John Guttle any more
interest in Dimocracy? We stood ez a Chinese wall between
them and the rushin flood uv Ablishn fanaticism; and we made
the wall biznis pay. They furnished money, and we did the
work; and, there bein but few uv us, the orfisis wuz easily
divided. Alas! our occupashin's gone. The South is forever
lost to us; for she hez no dirty work for us to do.
I appeal to the United States uv America. In behalf uv
John Guttle, I say, give him back his niggers. In behalf uv
the Dimocrisy North, who are out uv employment, give him
back his niggers. In behalf uv his son who is runnin a dray,
give him back his niggers. In behalf uv his daughters runnin
a sewin machine, give him back his niggers. Make things
Normal agin. Like John the Baptist, the Guvernment shall
hear the voice uv one howlin in the wilderness until all these
is done.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
XCIX. A DREAM. — THE CORPSE OF REPUBLICANISM.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
March 30th, 1866.
I hev bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster at the
Corners hed become to me a nitemare. Day after day I seed
him a handlin guvment money, drawin his salary promptly, and
takin his drinks regerly, while I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat, a
supporter uv our great and good President, wuz forced to the
humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz treated, ceptin when a new
grocery keeper cum in, which gave me a chance to establish a
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[figure description] Page 257.[end figure description]
credit for a short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and
therefore I went to Washinton.
Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins, holdin
my views ez to consiliashen and sich, I hed no call to go to the
Postmaster-General, who is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the
Second Jaxson hisself. I succeeded in gettin a audience late
in the afternoon. Our patron saint wuz a sittin at a table,
exsausted with receevin delegashens and sich.
“Well,” sed he.
“Honerd and spected sir,” said I, “I am a applicant for the
post orfis at Confedrit × Roads, wich is at present held by a
Ablishnist who does not beleeve in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve
in solemnly. Spected and honered sir,” sed I, “ef I shood
have twins born to me this nite, I shood name em both Policy.”
“Wich State are yoo from?” sed he, half asleep.
“From Kentucky, honered and spected sir,” sed I.
“Well,” sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a clerk,
“Fill out a pardon, and give him a commission!”
“Honered and spected sir,” sed I, in a fit uv loonacy for
wich I can't account, “I don't need a pardon. I wuz never in
the late lamented Confedrit servis.”
“What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin a post offis?
Git out, yoo imposter!” and I wuz to-wunst ignominiously
showed to the door. I didn't quite understand the lay uv the
land around the White House.
In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince him I did
ez much for the Confederacy ez my humble abilities permitted,
and that I needed consiliatin ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart
broke and dead broke, not hevin the wherewith to prokoor more
sootable lodgin, I lay me down on the cold stun steps, and
sought refuge from my troubles in sleep.
I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room in the White
House. Stretched out on one side uv the room wuz the
corpse uv a giant, a monster in size and strength, but withal
uv pleasin presence, and fair to look upon. Onto its head wuz
a liberty cap, and by its side wuz a sword, considerably dinted,
and with all the gildin knocked off.
“Wat is these?” sed I, pointin to the corpse, askin a sort uv
a attendant.
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“Them,” replied he, “is the defunct carcass uv Republikinism.
He wuz a hefty yooth in his day, but he died this
mornin. Look! the mourners are a comin to divide his
clothes.”
And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz the second
Jaxson, which the Ablishnists derisively call Moses, who appeared
to be angry, and clost behind him wuz Seward, a
weepin out uv one eye, and a smilin out uv tother, and Jim
Lane, who hed a handkercher wich he occasionally put to his
eyes, but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle,
and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard, and Cowan, and
Stephens, and Thurlow Weed, and Vallandigham, and Governor
Sharkey, and a host uv others, all uv wich ranged theirselves
around the bier.
“He wuz a promisin yooth,” sed Seward, a puttin his handkercher
to his eyes, “but the atmosphere uv the White House
wuz too much for him. I insist, however,” sed he, a pocketin
the handkercher, and takin hold uv a trinket the corpse held in
his hand, labelled, “Presidency, 1868,” from wich hung more'n
a million uv smaller trinkets, “that ez 'twas me that pizened
him, this is mine.”
“Nary,” sed Johnson; “I did the bizness for him, and it's
mine.”
“Settle it ez yoo please,” sed Raymond, gently, “but whoever
gits it must remember that this Secretaryship is mine.”
“And I,” sed Doolittle, “must hev, for my assistance, this
little affair marked `St. James,' for my seat in the Senate is a
goner.”
“For my part,” sed Jim Lane, “the Western appointment is
mine. It's worth em all to wear this collar.”
“My friends,” sed Stephens, “I find no amnesty about the
corpse. There must be one manufactured and stuck in his
pocket, to be prodoost at the funeral.”
Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a sardonic
smile, knowin perfectly well that whoever took the plunder,
he'd control it, any way.
Governor Sharkey laid claim to a Secretaryship, and Boregard
to the place uv Sherman, and Lee to Grant's position,
and Vallandigham wanted this, and tother feller that, and there
-- 259 --
[figure description] Page 259.[end figure description]
wuz a terrible hubbub over the corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost
came in, and wanted to know what he wuz to hev in the new
deal, “for,” sed he, “ef't hadn't bin for me, where'd yoo all
hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere killin him!
I'm sure the shadder uv the buildin blasted what little uv his
spirit yoo hed,” sed he, a turnin to Seward, “but ef Linkin hed
lived, ha, ha!” sed he, in a tragedy voice. Then in trooped
a lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill Allen, uv Ohio, and
Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems Bookannan, uv
Pennsylvania, and Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, who
started to make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck
their fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first
time in his life and desisted.
Finally Johnson swore “by the eternal” (he got that noshun
from the first A. J., wich he thinks he resembles, coz his initials
is the same, and coz the original vetoed a bill wunst) that
he wood hev the Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he
snatched at it, and they tussled. The company stood by to see
it out, for it made but little difference to them wich got it.
In the skrimage Johnson happened to ram Seward up agin a
window on the north side uv the room and smashed it out.
Jest then a blast uv north wind poured into the room through
the aperture, and blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The
effect was electrikle. Life ran through his veins, his face
flushed, and the livid hue was changed to the ruddy glow uv
health. The dead wuz alive; the giant raised to his feet, and
looked around him, shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him
like insex. Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage
in Johnson's hand, he took him by the neck, and twistin it out
uv his hand, flung him gently through the winder. “I ain't
made up my mind who to give this to, but yoo bet it ain't
you,” sed he.
“Willyum,” sed he, turnin to Seward, “I'm surprised at yoo.
Wuz this bauble the price uv yoor honesty and yoor principle?
Go, Willyum! Ez for yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked;
yoo, Thurlow, put Raymond in yoor vest pocket, and quit the
presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the tender mercies uv
my friends in Kansas. Clear out the balance uv this rabble,
and send for my friends. I've bin pizened, and smothered, and
-- 260 -- p635-283
[figure description] Page 260.[end figure description]
stunk nigh to death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and
sprinkle chloride uv lime, and sich, all over it. Shut down them
Southern windows, and open those on the North, East, and
West sides. I want a snuff uv fresh air, for I —”
At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in the White
House, but on the steps thereof, cold and shiverin. In my
pocket wuz the papers wich didn't get me the post orfis I wuz
seekin, and in my mind wuz chaotic confusion. Wuz the
dream prophetic, or wuz it merely a vagary uv the mind, wich,
wen loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook, without
any restraint. Is the giant Republican actually dead, or is he
in a trance? Will it arise, and scatter them ez hez appinted
themselves administrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin
to divide the assets, or will he stay ded? Wood, O wood that
I knowed!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
C. A KENTUCKY TEA PARTY.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
April 1, 1866.
*Charles Sumner is not a very popular man in this section
uv Kentucky; on the contrary, quite reverse. He is known
here ez an Ablishnist; ez one who is a chief supporter uv that
hidjus sin — the infidelity, I may say, for a man may ez well
deny the whole Bible ez to cast discredit upon Onesimus,
Hagar, and Ham, onto wich the whole system uv Afrikin
slavery rests — the originator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef
that Slavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from the experience
uv the last five years, appears to be gainin ground in
the North. He is not, therefore, popular in this region.
-- 261 --
[figure description] Page 261.[end figure description]
Yisterday I attendid a tea party at Deekin Pogram's, to
wich the elite uv the Corners wuz present, incloodin an Illinoy
store-keeper uv the name uv Pollock, wich hed bin invited because
the Deekin hed, some three months ago, bought a bill uv
goods uv him on ninety days' time, and wantid an extension.
While at the table enjoyin the
“Cup wich cheers, but don't intoxicate very much,”
ez Dryden hez it (tho I bleeve, to keep off chills, in this country,
they mix three and a half parts uv whiskey to one uv tea),
the name uv Summer wuz mentioned.
Mrs. Pogram to-wunst remarked that she didn't want the
name uv that ojus creecher spoken at her table.
“Why?” sed I, gratified at the ebulition.
“I hate him!” sed she, spitefully.
“So do I,” replied I; “but what hev yoo agin him, aside
from his obnoxious political opinions?”
“Didn't he marry a nigger?” sed Mrs. P., triumphantly.
“Didn't he marry a nigger — a full-blooded nigger? and hezn't
he hed nineteen yaller children, every one uv wich he compelled,
agin their will, to marry full-blooded niggers? Didn't
he —?”
“Mrs. P.,” sed this Illinoy store-keeper, wich his name it
wuz Pollock, “do yoo object to miscegenation?”
“Missee — what?” replied she, struck all uv a heap at the
word.
“Miscegenation — amalgamation — marryin whites with niggers.”
“Do I?” retorted she; “ketch a son uv mine marryin a
nigger! They are another race; they'r beasts; and who'd
marry em but jist sich men ez Sumner and them other Ablishnists?”
“Then permit me to ask,” sed this Pollock, wich wuz bound
to kick up a muss, “ef ther's any race uv pure blood in this
section uv Kentucky wich is yaller?”
“No! uv course not,” sed Mrs. P.; “them yaller people is
mulatters — half nigger, half white.”
“And them ez is quite white — not quite, but nearly so —
-- 262 --
[figure description] Page 262.[end figure description]
about the color uv a new saddle, like Jane, there,” sed he, pintin
to a octoroon girl uv 18 wich used to belong to the Deekin afore
the isshooin uv the infernal proclamashen, “like Jane, there,
wich is waitin on the Deekin, and — but, good Lord!” sed he,
startin up like a tragedian.
“Wat!” shouted the company, all startin up.
“Nothin,” sed he: “only, now that Jane's face is in range
with the Deekin's, wat a wonderful resemblance! She hez the
Pogram nose and ginral outline uv face; not Mrs. P.'s angularity,
but the Deekin all over. My deer sir,” sed he, addressin
the Deekin, “ef she wuzn't a quadroon, I shood say she looks
enough like yoo to be yoor daughter, by a first wife, I shood
say, for she hez not, ez I remarked, Mrs. P.'s angularity and
gineral bonenis; but uv course, she bein a part nigger, the
resemblance may be sot down ez-a-very-remarkable-coincidence!”
The Deekin turned ez white ez a sheet, and Mrs. Pogram
turned ez red ez a biled lobster, from wich I inferred that there
wuz trooth in a rumor I had heard about the Deekin and his
wife hevin a misunderstandin about a nigger woman and her
baby, about 18 years ago, wich resulted in his bein made bald-headed
in less than a minute, and the baby's mother being sold
South. The Illinoy store-keeper, uv the name uv Pollock, resoomed: —
“I wuz about askin wat them niggers is, ez is nearly
white?”
“Why, they'r octoroons, or seven-eights white,” sed Mrs.
Pogram.
“And no Kentuckian ever marries a nigger?” inquired the
store-keeper, who I saw wuz pursooin his investigations altogether
too far.
“Never!” sed Mrs. Pogram; “we leave that to Ablishnists.”
“Well, then,” sed this Pollock, who, I spect, wuzn't half so
innsent ez he let on, “I see that yoo hev no objection to mixin
with the nigger, providin yoo don't do it legally; that amalgamashen
don't hurt nothin, pervidin yoo temper it with adultery.
Is that the idee, Mrs. Pogram?”
Mrs. P. wuz mad, and made no reply, and Pollock persood
the subjick.
-- 263 --
[figure description] Page 263.[end figure description]
“Jane there, is, I take it, about one eighth nigger. She got
her white blood from whites, uv course; and ez there coodent
be no marryin in the biznis, there is proof positive in her face
that the 8th commandment hez bin violated about four times
somewhere in this vicinity, or wherever her maternal ancestors,
on her mother's side, may hev resided. What do yoo think
about it, Deekin? Ez a Christian, woodent it be better to
marry em than to add a violation uv the commandment to
the sin uv amalgamashen? It wood redoose yoor load jest a
half.”
The Deekin wuz too indignant to reply, and ez it involved a
pint altogether too hefty for his limited intelleck, I took it up.
“My dear sir,” I remarked, “yoo don't make the proper distinction,
or, rather, yoo don't appreciate the subjick at all.
The nigger here sustains only one character with us, — that
uv a inferior bein, the slave uv the hawty Caucashen, uv whom
we are the noblest specimens; that is, the Deekin is, he bein a
Southerner. I unfortunately wuz born in the North, and am a
hawty Caucashen only by adoption. To marry a nigger wood
be to destroy our idea uv sooperiority, for we marry only our
ekals. The intercourse with em, the results uv wich yoo see
indications, bein outside uv the pale uv matrimony, is not, ez
yoo wood suppose, the result uv unbridled licentiousnis, but is
merely the assertion uv our superiority. When the lordly
Caucashen (uv whom the Deekin is wich) bids a daughter uv
Ham (wich, in the original Hebrew, signifies the hindquarter
uv a hog) come to him, and she doth it not, he breaks her head,
wich inculcates obedience. One is only a slave indeed when
he surrenders all his individual rites. The female slave cannot
be considered ez entirely subdooed until she hez yielded to her
owner everything. To marry em wood be to elevate em; the
intercourse common among us is not a sin, it bein merely the
assertion uv that superiority wich we claim is founded on the
Holy Scripter. See Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham.”
“Yes,” sed the Deekin, who wuz now on the right track;
“it's a assertion uv our sooperiority; it's a dooty every white
man owes to his class, and I, for one, will alluz —”
“Let me ketch yoo at it, Gabe Pogram,” shouted Mrs. P.,
“and I'll give yoo sich a cat-haulin ez yoo never — drat yoor
-- 264 --
[figure description] Page 264.[end figure description]
sooperiority, and yoor Ham, and yoor Caucashen. Niggers is
niggers, and —”
Noticin that Mrs. Pogram hedn't quite arrived at the proper
pitch uv self-sacrifice, I turned the discussion onto Sumner
agin, ez a subjick upon wich they cood all agree.
I learned that his father wuz a Dutch grocery-keeper, and his
mother an Irish washer-woman; that he run away from home
at the tender age uv eight, after murderin, in cold blood, his
grandparents, one uv wich wuz a Algerine and tother a
Chinese; that he wuz apprenticed to the shoemakin biznis, and
hed cut the throat uv his boss and his wife, and immersed the
younger children into a biler uv scaldin water, where they
were found mostly dead seven hours afterward; that he acquired
wealth a sellin lottry tickets and brass clocks, et settry.
His servants wuz redoost Southern gentlemen wich he hed
swindled into his debt, and wich, under the laws uv Massachoosits,
coodent git away, and that his intimate friends and
associates wuz niggers, with wich he sot long at the festive
board, and drunk champane; that Lucresha Mott wuz his sister,
Ann Dickinson his daughter, Fred Douglas his half brother,
and that he kissed, habitually, every nigger child he met, and
frowned so severely onto white children ez to throw em into
spasms, and other items uv information uv wich, livin in the
North, I wuz ignorant. Ez I remarked, he isn't popular down
here, and cood hardly be elected to Congris from this Deestrick.
The tea party broke up shortly after, Pollock winkin
at me villainously ez he left the house, feelin good to think
how he hed opened a old sore. That Pollock needs watchin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n46* The poor whites at the South were made to believe that Hannibal Hamlin
was a mulatto, and that Charles Summer married a negress. The opinion held
by this class of Mr. Sumner is fairly stated in the text.
-- 265 -- p635-288
CI. A PSALM OF GLADNESS. — VETO OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS BILL.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
April 7, 1866.
[figure description] Page 265.[end figure description]
*I am a canary, a nightengale. A lark, am I.
I raise my voice in song. I pour forth melojus notes.
I am a lamb, wich frisketh, and waggeth his tale, and leapeth,
ez he nippeth the tender grass. I am a colt, wich kicketh up
its heels exuberantly.
I am a bridegroom, wich cometh from his bride in the
mornin feelin releeved in the knowledge that she wore not
palpitators, nor false calves, nor nothin false, afore she wuz
hizn.
I am a steamboat captin with a full load, a doggry keeper on
a Saturday nite, a sportin man with four aces in his hand.
All these am I, and more.
For we sought to establish ourselves upon a rock, but found
that the underpinnin wuz gone out uv it.
Even slavery wuz our strong place, and our hope; but the
corners hed bin knocked out uv it.
The sons uv Belial hed gone forth agin it; Massachoosetts
hed assailed it, and the North West hed drawd its bow
agin it.
Wendell Phillips hed pecked out wun stun, Garret Smith
another; and the soldiers hed completed what they hed
begun.
And Congris, even the Rump, hed decreed its death, and
hed held forth its hand to Ethiopia.
It passed a bill givin the Niggers their rites, and takin away
from us our rites:
Sayin, that no more shel we sell em in the market place,
Or take their wives from em,
-- 266 --
[figure description] Page 266.[end figure description]
Or be father to their children,
Or make uv em conkebines aginst their will,
Or force em to toil without hire,
Or shoot em, ez we wuz wont to do under the old dispensashun,
Or make laws for em wich didn't bind us as well.
And our hearts wuz sad in our buzzums; for we said, Lo!
the nigger is our ekal; and we mourned ez them hevin no
hope.
But the President, even Androo, the choice uv Booth, said,
Nay.
And the bill wuz vetoed, and is no law; and our hearts is
made glad.
And from the Ohio to the Gulf shel go up the song uv gladness
and the sounds uv mirth.
The nigger will we slay, for he elevated his horn agin us.
We will make one law for him and another for us, and he
will sigh for the good old times when he wuz a slave in
earnest.
His wife shel be our conkebine, ef she is fair to look upon;
and ef he murmurs, we'll bust his head.
His daughters shel our sons possess; and their inkrease will
we sell, and live upon the price they bring.
In our fields they shel labor; but the price uv their toil shel
make us fat.
Sing, O my soul!
The nigger hed become sassy and impudent, and denied that
he wuz a servant unto his brethren.
He sheltered hisself behind the Freedman's Burow, and the
Civil Rights Bill, and the soldiery, and he wagged his lip at us,
and made mouths at us.
And we longed to git at him, but because of these we durst
not.
But now who shel succor him?
We will smite him hip and thigh, onless he consents to be
normal.
Our time uv rejoicin is come.
In Kentucky, the soldiers voted, — them ez wuz clothed in
gray, — and we routed the Abolishnists.
-- 267 -- p635-290
[figure description] Page 267.[end figure description]
Three great capchers hev we made: New Orleens we
capcherd, Kentucky we capcherd, and the President — him
who aforetime strayed from us — we capcherd.
Rejoice, O my soul! for yoor good time, wich wuz so long a
comin, is come.
We shel hev Post Offisis, and Collectorships, and Assessorships,
and Furrin Mishns, and Route Agencies, and sich; and
on the proceeds thereof will we eat, drink, and be merry.
The great rivers shel be whisky, the islands therein sugar,
the streams tributary lemon joose and bitters, and the faithful
shel drink.
Whisky shel be cheap; for we shel hold the offises, and kin
pay; and the heart uv the barkeeper shel be glad.
The Ablishnist shel hang his hed; and we will jeer him, and
flout him, and say unto him, “Go up, bald head!” and no bears
shel bite us; for, lo! the President is our rock, and in him
we abide.
Blessed be Booth, who give us Androo.
Blessed be the veto, wich makes the deed uv Booth uv sum
account to us.
Blessed be Moses, who is a leadin us out uv the wilderness,
into the Canaan flowin with milk and honey.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n47* The veto of the Civil Rights Bill, which bill secured the negro in his rights
and made him really a citizen, occasioned great rejoicing among the Democracy,
North and South.
CII. A CRY OF EXULTATION. — A GLEAM OF LIGHT.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
April 2, 1866.
*Kin it be? Is it troo, or is it not troo? Is Androo Johnson
all my fancy painted him, or is he still a heaven-defying persekooter
uv the Democratic Saints? That's wat I and some
-- 268 --
[figure description] Page 268.[end figure description]
thousands uv waitin souls wood go suthin handsome to know.
I confess I never quite lost faith in Androo. Pro-slavery
Democracy sticks to a man ez does the odor uv the gentle
skunk to clothes, and it is got rid uv only by the same means,
to-wit, buryin the victim thereof.
Androo started out to be a Moses, and he is one; but I think
he's changed his Israelites. I onst saw a woman skinnin live
eels, and I reproached her, sayin, “Woman, why skinnest
thou eels alive? Doth it not pain em?”
“Nary!” retorted she. “I've skinned em this way for going
on to twenty years, and they're used to it.”
Even so. The negroes hev bin in bondage so long that
they're used to it, and Androo feelin a call to continue in
the Moses bizniss, hez, I hope, turned his attention to the
Dimocrisy. It's US he's a-goin to lead up out uv the Egypt
uv wretchedness we've bin in for nearly five years; it's US
that's a-goin to quit brick making without straw, and go up
into the Canaan wich is runnin with the milk and honey uv
public patronage. We shel hev sum fites: there's Amakelitish
post masters and Phillistine collectors to displace, but with a
second Jaxon at our hed what can we fear?
I feel to-night like a young colt. To me it seems ez though
my venerable locks, wich hangs scantily about my temples,
hed grown black agin, and that my youth wuz returnin. Ef I
hed any notion uv sooicide, that idea is dismist. I'm young
agin. Wat hez worked this change? yoo ask. It's the proclamation
declarin the war at an end, and withdrawin from the
Dimocratic States the odious hirelins uv the tyrant Linkin, and
the doin away uv that terrible marshal law. That's wat's done
it for me. Now I feel like sayin, with one uv old, “Mine eyes
hev seed thy glory; let thy servant depart in peace.”
We hev bin dooly subjoogated some time, and a waitin for
this. We wantid it, and longed for it ez the hart does for the
water course, and considerably more, onless the hart wuz
thirsty in the extreme. For now we are in the Union agin;
we are under the shadder uv that glorious old flag wich
protects all men ceptin niggers and Ablishnists. The nigger
is left to be adjustid by us, who is to be governed by the laws
wich control labor and capital. Certainly he is — uv coarse.
-- 269 --
[figure description] Page 269.[end figure description]
I saw two uv my neighbors adjustin one last nite. They wuz
doin it with a paddle, wich wuz bored full uv holes. He didn't
seem to enjoy it ez much ez they did. By that proclamation
our states are agin under their own control. Let em go at
wunst to work to destroy all the vestiges uv the crooel war
through wich they hev past. There ain't no soldiers now to
interfere, for the policy uv keepin soldiers in and among free
people is abhorrent to freedom and humanity. Go to work at
wunst, and build up the broken walls uv your Zion.
We must hev Peace and unanimity; and Peace cannot dwell
among us onless there's a oneness uv purpose and sentiment.
To prokoor this is yoor fust dooty. If there be among you
them ez opposed yoo doorin yoor late struggle for Rites, hist
em. Their presence is irritatin, and kin not be tolerated.
Ablishnism is as abhorrent now as ever, and the sooner yoo are
rid uv it the better. It is safe to assume that every man who
opposed the lately deceased Confedracy is a Ablishnist.
The next step, and the most important, is to tear down the
nigger school-houses and churches wich hev bin built here
and there, and kindly take the nigger by the ear, and lead him
back to his old quarters, wich is his normal position. The
Yankee school teachers sent here by Freedmen's Aid Societies
shood properly be hung for spreadin dissatisfaction and spellin
books among the niggers, but I wood advise mercy and conciliation.
Tar and featherin, with whippins, will perhaps do ez
well, and will go to show the world that our justice is tempered
with charity; that we kin be generous ez well ez just. Yoor
Legislatures shood be instantly called together, and proper
laws for the government uv the Freedmen should be passed.
Slavery is abolisht, and the people must live up to the requirements
of the act in good faith. I protest agin any violation
uv good faith, but labor must be done, for the skripter commands
it, and our frail nature demands wat can't be got without
it. We don't like to do it, but shel skripter be violated? Not
at all. The nigger must do it hisself, not ez a slave, for slavery
is abolished, but ez a free man. Ethiopian citizens uv Amerikin
descent (wich is mulatters), and full-blooded blacks, and all
hevin in the veins a taint uv Afrikin blood, must be restrained
gently, and for their own good I suggest laws ez follows: —
-- 270 --
[figure description] Page 270.[end figure description]
1. They must never leave the plantation onto wich they are,
when this act goes into effect, without a pass from the employer,
under penalty uv bein shot.
2. They shel hev the privilege uv suein everybody uv their
own color, ef they kin give white bail for costs.
3. They shel hev the full privilege uv bein sued the same
ez white folks.
4. They shel be competent ez witnesses in cases in wich
they are not interested, but their testimony is to go for nothin
ef it is opposed by the testimony uv a white man or another
nigger.
5. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate outside
uv any incorporated city, town, or village.
6. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate
within any incorporated city, town, or village, except as hereinafter
provided for, to wit: — He shel give notice uv his desires
by publication for six consecutive weeks in some newspaper
uv general circulation in sed village, for wich publication he
shel pay invariably in advance. He shel then give bonds, in
sich sums ez the mayor shel decide, that neither he, nor any uv
his ancestors, or descendants, or relations, will ever become
public charges, and will always behave themselves with due
humility, the bondsmen to be white men and freeholders. Then
the mayor shel cause a election to be proclaimed, and if the
free white citizens shel vote “yea” unanimously, he shel be
allowed to buy or lease real estate. If there is a dissenting
vote, then he shel be put onto the chain gang for six months
for his impudence in makin sich a request.
7. Their wages shel be sich ez they and the employers shel
mutually agree; but that the negroes may not become luxurious
and effeminate, wich two things is vices wich goes to sap the
simplicity and strength uv a people, the sum shel never exceed
$5 per month, but not less than enuff in all cases to buy him
one soot uv clothes per annum, wich the employer shel purchase
hisself.
8. The master shel hev the privilege uv addin to this code
sich other rules and regulations for their proper government
ez may strike him ez being good for em from time to time.
These provisions secure the nigger in all the rites wich kin
-- 271 -- p635-294
[figure description] Page 271.[end figure description]
reasonably be asked for him, just elevated ez he is from slavery,
and thrown upon the world, ignorant of the duties of his new
position and status. He is simple, and needs the guidin hand
uv the stronger race.
My hart is too full to make further suggestions. Organized
into a tabloo, with the constitooshun in one hand (wich beloved
instrument kivers a great deal uv ground), a star-spangled
banner in the other, and a tramplin on a bloo coat wich I stript
off uv a returned nigger soldier wich wuz sick, I exultinly exclaim,
“The Union ez it is is ez good ez the Union ez it wuz.
'Ror!”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n48* The moment President Johnson proclaimed the war at an end, several of the
Southern States enacted laws for the government of the negro scarcely less
oppressive and absurd than those suggested by Mr. Nasby.
CIII. A WAIL OF ANGUISH. — THE PASSAGE OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS BILL OVER THE VETO.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
April 9, 1866.
*I am a kittle full of cusses.
Under me is a burnin fire uv rage, wich is bein continually
fed with the oil uv disappointment.
And I bile over.
The civil rites bill, wich our Moses put his foot onto, we
thought wuz dead.
And we fired great guns, and hung out our flags, wich we
laid aside in 1860, and made a joyful noise.
For we said, one unto another, Lo! he is a true Moses, inasmuch
ez he is a leadin us out uv the wilderness.
-- 272 --
[figure description] Page 272.[end figure description]
The civil rites bill wuz the serpent wat bit us, and he histed
it, that we might look and live.
Now let us be joyful!
For the Ethiopian is delivered into our hands, bound hand
and foot.
Blessed be Moses!
We will make him grind our corn; but he shel not eat
thereof.
Blessed be Moses!
We will make him tread out our wheat; but we will muzzle
his mouth.
Blessed be Moses!
He shall pick our cotton; but the hire he receiveth, he shall
stick in his eye without injuring the sight thereof.
Blessed be Moses!
He shall toil in the sugar mill; but the sugar shall he not
sell.
Blessed be Moses!
His sweat shall nourish our corn; but he shall eat nary ear
thereof.
Blessed be Moses!
We will burn his school houses, and destroy his spellin
books (for shall the nigger be our superior?), and who shall
stay our hand?
The school teachers we will tar and feather, and whar is the
bloo-coated hirelins to make us afeerd?
Blessed be Moses!
We looked at the nigger, and said, Ha, ha! the last state uv
that chattle is wuss nor the fust; for before, we hed his labor
while he wuz strong and healthy, but hed to take care on him
when he wuz sick and old; and now we kin git his labor without
the care.
Blessed be Moses!
The Ablishnists cast out one devil, and garnished the room;
but there wuz seven devils more stronger and hungrier, which
rushed in and pre-empted the premises.
Blessed be Moses!
But our song uv joy wuz turned into a wale uv anguish.
Moses sought to hist the serpent, but the serpent histed him.
-- 273 --
[figure description] Page 273.[end figure description]
He's on a pole, and the bitin North wind is a blowin onto him.
He can't get up any higher, because his pole ain't any
longer; and he can't get down, because he ain't no place to
light onto.
He vetoed the bills, and Congress hez vetoed him; the civil
rights bill they passed in a uncivil manner.
Now, bein the nigger hez rights, he is our ekal.
Our ekil is the nigger now, and onless the skool houses is
burned, and the spellin books destroyed, he will soon be our
superior.
We wuz willin to give him the right uv bein sued; but, alas!
he kin sue.
He kin be a witness agin us, and he kin set his face agin
ourn.
Our wise men may make laws to keep him in his normal
speer, but uv wat avail is they?
We kin buy and sell him no more, neither he nor his children.
The men will cleave unto their wives, and the wives unto
their husbands, and our hand is powerlis to separate em.
Their children kin we no more put up at auction, and sell to
the highest bidder, we pocketing joyfully the price thereof.
They hev become sassy and impudent, and say, “Go to; are
we not men?”
I bade one git off the sidewalk, and he bade me be damned.
I chucked a nearly white one under the chin, and smiled
onto her, and she squawked; and her husband, hearing the
squawk thereof, came up and bustid my head, even ez a white
man wood hev dun.
I chastised wun who gave me lip; and he sood me, a Caucashun,
for assault and battery, and got a judgment!
Wale! for Moses put out his hand to save us these indignities,
but his hand wuz too weak.
We killed Linkin in vain.
Our Moses is playin Jaxson. He fancieth he resembleth him,
becoz his inishals is the same.
He resembleth Jaxon muchly — in that Jaxon hed a policy
wich he cood carry out, while our Moses hez a policy wich he
can't carry out.
-- 274 --
[figure description] Page 274.[end figure description]
And ez he can't carry out his policy, the people are carryin
it out for him.
Wich they do, a holdin it at arm's length, and holdin their
noses.
Moses is a cake half baked; he is hot on one side, and cold
on tother.
He darsn't let go uv Ablishnism, and is afeerd to come
to us.
He hez been takin epsom salts and ipecac; and one is workin
up, and the other is workin down.
Where kin we look for comfort?
Do we turn to the people? Connecticut answers, “'Ror for
Hawley!” and Noo Hampshere goes Ablishun.
Do we turn to the courts? Lo! Taney hez gone to his reward—
him who aforetime dealt out Dimekratic justice, and
who understood the nacher uv the nigger, — and Chase, who
is pizen, reigns in his stead.
Raymond is growin weak in the knees, and Doolittle is a
broken reed on which to lean.
We are too short at both ends.
Shall we go to Brazil? Lo! there they put niggers in
office.
Mexico holds out her hands to us; but, lo! the nigger is
considered a man.
We hev no escape from the Ethiopian; he is around us, and
about us, and on top uv us.
I see no post orfis in the distance, no hope for the future.
Hed I bin a Ablishinist, so ez to make the thing safe in the
next world, I shood be glad to die, and quit this.
For my sole is pregnant with grief; my hart bugs out
with woe.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n49* In a speech in 1866 President Johnson claimed to have been the “Moses” of
the negro, as he had been instrumental in leading him out of bondage. The
name clung to him during his official life. The passage of the Civil Rights bill
over the President's veto destroyed the hopes of those who expected to keep
the freedmen in a state of semi-bondage.
-- 275 -- p635-298
CIV. MOURNFUL VIEW OF THE SITUATION.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
April 26, 1866.
[figure description] Page 275.[end figure description]
*The work uv death is a goin on. The sakred precepts uv
the Holy Skripters is bein daily violated by an insane majority,
who hev substitooted their own noshens for the safe and pleasant
revelashens uv Holy Writ, and the practices of their
fathers.
Cood Noah, when he cussed Ham, and declared that he shood
be a servant unto his brethren, hev foreseen how his cuss wood
hev bin disregarded in these degenerate days, he wood, I boldly
assert (and I make the assertion from wat I know uv the character
uv that eminent navigator), hev kep sober, and not cust
Ham at all. For wat's the use uv sich a cuss ef it's to be removed
jist when you want it to stick? Hed it bin taken off
afore cotton wuz profitable, and afore the Southern people hed
learned to depend onto their labor, it wouldent hev bin so bad,
and they cood hev endoored it without murmurin. But, alas!
not only is the South in a state of abject cussitood, but the
Northern Dimocrasy is likewise.
The case stood thuswise: The South depended on the Nigger;
and the Northern politicians, like me, depended on the
South. The nigger wuz the foundashun upon wich the entire
structur rested; and now that he's knocked out, it falls.
I wuz in Washington the other day, and wuz a unwillin witnis
uv a scene wich filled me with unutterable disgust. The
niggers wuz a celebratin suthin connected with their onnatural
removal from their normal condishun, and wuz a paradin the
streets with bands uv music, and with banners and inscriptions.
They hed the impudence to dress up in good clothes, — clothes
wich I cood not afford to wear, — and three uv the impudent
cusses hed the ashoorance to go so far in their imitation of
-- 276 --
[figure description] Page 276.[end figure description]
human beins ez to make speeches; and to my horror, the mass
uv em hed ben so well trained by somebody that they actily
cheered, and ez near ez I cood make out got in the applause at
the right place, and all without the assistance uv a indivijual
to commence applaudin at the right time, wich we hev generally
found nessary at Dimmekratic meetins.
Their inscripshuns wuz insultin. They hed em all spelt rite,
and they wuz full uv alloosions to ekal rites, and onqualifyed
suffrage, and sich, planely showin that the poor, misguided
critters hed no idee that they wuz loaded down with a cuss
and that becoz uv that cuss they hed no rites watever.
In Richmond I saw other evidences uv the terrible breakin
down uv the barriers wich Noah set up atween the races. I
wuz sittin in a hoss car, when a nigger hed the onparalleled
asshoorence to enter and set down. I remonstrated with the
chattel, who laft in my face.
Thus the old landmarks is bein removed, and thus the foundations
uv society is a bein broken up. I saw in Richmond
fair wimmin who hed, in olden times, never known wat labor
wuz, a washin dishes, and cookin their own vittles; and I saw
men, who hed wunst lived luxuriously on the labor uv a hundred
niggers, now drivin drays, and sellin dry goods and groceries,
and sich, and my soul sunk within me. Wuz the cuss a
mistake? Wuz the nigger not the race that wuz cussed? or
has he becum so bleached, so lost in the white by amalgamation,
that there ain't enough uv the black left in each indivijual
for the cuss to hang to?
Andrew Johnson! in your hands rests our cause; on your
ackshen depends our weal or woe! Yoo, and yoo alone, kin
remedy this. Wat if a corrupt and radikle Congress does override
your vetoes, and legislate for these cuss-ridden people?
Yoo hev yet a power wich yoo must not hesitate to make em
feel. Clear out the rump Congress; declare our Southern
brethren entitled to their seats, and see that they hev em.
The Dimocrisy uv the North, wich wuz latterly for peece, are
now fur war. They will sustain yoo. Reverse yoor ackshen,
and yoo kin attach em to yoo with hooks uv steel. There ain't
no risk in it — nary risk. Turn the Ablishnists out uv the
Post Offices, and replace em with Democrats; let it be under
-- 277 -- p635-300
[figure description] Page 277.[end figure description]
stood that yoo hev come back to yoor fust love, and no longer
abide in the tents uv Ablishunism, — and all will be well.
Talk less uv yoor policy, and put more uv it into acts. Combine
Post Offices with Policy, and proclaim that only he who
sustains the latter shel hev the former, and yoo kin depend on
the entire Democrisy North. We are waitin anxiously. From
the South comes up the cry, wich the North reëkkoes.
Will Androo Johnson, wich Ablishnists call Moses, but wich
we, for obvious reasons, style the 2d Jaxson, heed that cry?
or will he persist in clingin to the black idol he embraced four
years ago?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n50* The more reckless of President Johnson's new friends insisted that he should
use the military power in his hands to enforce his policy — that he should treat
the acts of Congress as nullities, and administer the government without its aid.
CV. THE RECONSTRUCTED CONGRATULATE THE COUNTRY UPON THE MEMPHIS OUTBREAK.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
May 12, 1866.
*The news from Memphis filled the soles uv the Dimocrisy uv
Kentucky with undilooted joy. There, at last, the Ethiopian
wuz taught that to him, at least, the spelling book is a sealed
volume, and that the gospel is not for him, save ez he gits it
filtered through a sound, constooshnel, Dimekratic preacher.
We met at the Corners last nite to jollify over the brave acts
uv our Memphis frends, and I wuz the speeker. I addressed
them on the subjick uv the nigger, — his wants, needs, and
capacities, — a subjick, permit me to state, I flatter myself I
understand. Probably no man in the United States hez given
the nigger more study, or devoted more time to a pashent
investigashen uv this species uv the brute creashen, than the
-- 278 --
[figure description] Page 278.[end figure description]
undersigned. I have contemplated him sittin and standin,
sleepin and wakin, at labor and in idleness, — in every shape,
in fact, ceptin ez a free man, wich situashen is too disgustin
for a proud Caucashen to contemplate him; and when he ariz
before my mind's eye in that shape, I alluz turned shudderin
away.
I hed proceeded in my discourse with a flowin sale. It's
easy demonstratin anythin yoor awjence wants to bleeve, and
wich their interest lies in. For instants, I hev notist wicked
men, who wuz somewhat wedded to sin, generally lean toward
Universalism; men heavily developed in the back uv the neck
are easily convinst uv the grand trooths uv free love; and
them ez is too fond uv makin money to rest on the seventh
day, hev serious doubts ez to whether the observance uv the
Sabbath is bindin onto em. I, not likin to work at all, am a
firm beleever in slavery, and wood be firmer ef I cood get start
enuff to own a nigger.
I hed gone on and proved concloosively, from a comparison
uv the fizzikle structer uv the Afrikin and the Caucashen, that
the nigger wuz a beast, and not a human bein; and that, consekently,
we hed a perfeck rite to catch him, and tame him, and
use him ez we do other wild animals. Finishin this hed uv my
discourse, I glode easily into a history uv the flood; explained
how Noah got tite and cust Ham, condemnin him and his posterity
to serve his brethren forever, wich I insisted give us an
indubitable warranty deed to all uv em for all time.
I warmed upon this elokently. “Behold, my brethren, the
beginnin uv Dimocrasy,” I sed. “Fust, the wine (which wuz
the antetype of our whisky) wuz the beginnin. Wine (or
whisky) wuz necessary to the foundation uv the party, and it
wuz forthcomin. But the thing wuz not complete. It did its
work on Noah, but yet there wuz a achin void. There wuz no
Nigger in the world, and without nigger there cood be no
Dimocrasy. Ham, my friends, wuz born a brother uv Japhet,
and wuz like unto him, and, uv course, could not be a slave.
Whisky wuz the instrument to bring him down; and it fetched
him. Ham looked upon his father, and wuz cust; and the void
wuz filled. There wuz Nigger and whisky, and upon them
the foundashuns uv the party wuz laid, broad and deep.
-- 279 --
[figure description] Page 279.[end figure description]
Methinks, my brethren, when Ham went out from the presence
uv his father, black in the face ez the ace uv spades (ef I
may be allowed to use the expression), bowin his back to the
burdens Shem and Japhet piled onto him with alacrity, that
Democracy, then in the womb uv the future, kicked lively, and
clapped its hands. There wuz a nigger to enslave, and whisky
to bring men down to the pint uv enslavin him. There wuz
whisky to make men incapable uv labor; whisky to accompany
horse racin, and poker playin, and sich rational amusements,
and a nigger cust especially that he mite sweat to furnish the
means. Observe the fitness uv things. Bless the Lord, my
brethren, for whisky and the nigger; for, without em, there
could be no Dimocrisy, and yoor beloved speaker mite hev
owned a farm in Noo Jersey, and bin a votin the whig ticket
to-day.”
At this pint, a venerable old freedman, who wuz a sittin
quietly in the meetin, ariz, and asked ef he mite ask a question.
Thinkin what a splendid opportunity there wood be uv
demonstratin the sooperiority uv the Caucashen over the Afrikin
race, I answered, “Yes,” gladly.
“Well, Mas'r,” sed the old imbecile, “is I a beast?”
“My venerable friend, there ain't nary doubt uv it.”
“Is my old woman a old beastesses, too?”
“Indubitably,” replied I.
“And my children — is they little beasts and beastesses?”
“Onquestionably.”
“Den a yaller feller ain't but half a beast, is he?”
“My friend,” sed I, “that question is —”
“Hold on,” sed he; “wat I wanted to git at is dis: dere's a
heap uv yaller fellers in dis section, whose fadders must hev
bin white men; and, ez der mudders wuz all beastesses, I want
to know whedder dar ain't no law in Kentucky agin —”
“Put him out!” “Kill the black wretch!” shouted a
majority uv them who hed bin the heaviest slave owners under
the good old patriarkle system, and they went for the old reprobate.
At this pint, a officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau, who
we hadn't observed, riz, and bustin with laughter, remarked
that his venerable friend shood have a chance to be heerd.
We respeck that Burow, partikelerly ez the officers generally
-- 280 --
[figure description] Page 280.[end figure description]
hev a hundred or two bayonets within reech, and, chokin
our wrath, permitted ourselves to be further insulted by
the cussed nigger, who, grinnin from ear to ear, riz and
perceeded.
“My white friends,” sed he, “dar pears to be an objection to
my reference to de subjeck uv dis mixin with beasts, so I won't
press de matter. But I ask yoo, did Noah hev three sons?”
“He did,” sed I.
“Berry good. Wuz they all brudders?”
“Uv course.”
“Ham come from the same fadder and mudder as the odder
two?”
“C-e-r-t-i-n-l-y.”
“Well, den, it seems to me — not fully understandin the
skripters — dat if we is beasts and beastesses, dat you is
beasts and beastesses also, and dat, after all, we is brudders.”
And the disgustin old wretch threw his arms around my neck,
and kissed me, callin me his “long lost brudder.”
The officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau laft vosiferously, and
so did a dozen or two soldiers in the crowd likewise; and the
awjence slunk out without adjournin the meetin, one uv em
remarkin, audibly, that he had noticed one thing, that Dimocrisy
wuz extremely weak whenever it undertook to defend
itself with fax or revelashun. For his part, he'd done with
argyment. He wanted niggers, because he cood wallop em,
and make em do his work without payin em, wich he coodent
do with white men.
I left the meetin house convinst that the South, who worked
the niggers, leavin us Northern Dimokrats to defend the system,
hed the best end uv the bargain.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n51* The rebels of Memphis attempted the destruction of the negro school-houses
and churches in May, 1866. In the riot a large number of negroes, men,
women, and children, were brutally murdered.
-- 281 -- p635-304
CVI. THE WORKINGS OF THE FREEDMEN'S BUREAU. — A REPORT.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
May 27, 1866.
To His Exslency the Dispenser uv Post Orfices, Androo
Johnson, President uv the United States.
[figure description] Page 281.[end figure description]
*In accordance with yoor esteemed request, dated the 25th,
and received this morning, I to-wunst proceeded to make enquiry
ez to the workin uv the Freedmen's Burow, and the condishun
uv the Afrikin citizens uv Amerikin descent in this
vicinity. The fact that a Ablishnist still holds the Post Orfice
at the Corners (wich place, by the way, I hev been solicited to
accept), interfered materially with the biziness I hed in hand.
I to-wunst tooted the horn, ez is the custom when we hev
religious servis, and called my congregashun together. They
come runnin in from the different groceries; and here another
difficulty ensood. The grosery keepers wanted to know what
we wuz a going to hev meetin on week days for? They wuz
willin to shut up durin meetin time on Sundays, ez they respected
the church, and it give em time to sweep out the terbacker,
et settry; but they'd be d—d ef they wuz a goin to
hev the people pulled away from their nourishment on week
days. I succeeded in pacifyin em, and went in at wunst examinin
the leadin citizens. Their testimony is ez follows: —
Captain Skelper wuz a nigger owner afore the war, and
durin the late fratrisidle struggle wuz a captain in the confedrit
servis. Wuz with Ginral Forest at Fort Pillow. Hez hed much
experience with niggers. Bleeves em to be adapted to the
climit uv Kentucky, and much more able to stand the hot sun
-- 282 --
[figure description] Page 282.[end figure description]
than the whites. When they wuz slaves, never knowed em to
refooze to work; know they alluz did work, becoz he generally
stood over em with a nigger whip. Since they hev bin free,
hez notist a change; not much uv a change, ontil the Nigger
Burow wuz establisht. Before that they'd take sich wages ez
yoo chose to give em; since then the d—d heathen will stand
out bout ez the white men do, and won't work at all onless
yoo meet their views, wich made a heap uv trouble, and materially
retarded the development uv the country. The Burow
hed corrupted the female niggers; ez they hed all bin legally
married by the Chaplins to the men they'd lived with, and
wuz so sot on livin with em, that there's no yoose uv yoor tryin
to get a house wench unless yoo took her husband also. His
wife wuz now doin degradin work at home for want uv help.
Strongly urged the abrogashen uv the Burow, and the removal
uv the Abolishn Postmaster at the Corners.
Deacon McGrath wuz convinst in his own mind that the
Afrikin wuz now out uv his normal speer, and that the infernal
Burow wuz at the bottom uv it. The nigger, afore the Burow
come around, wuz docile and easily controlled. His boy Joe
wuz wunst a model nigger. He'd get up every mornin at 4
A. M. (wich means in the mornin), and work every day till after
dark. Ez soon ez he wuz emancipated, ez they called it, and
the Burow come, I told him to get up, one mornin; and he told
me, impudently, that he'd concluded he woodent. I undertook
to chastise him with a fence stake, whereupon he sailed in, and
whaled me; and the Burow, to which I applied for redress, larft
in my face. He left, and is now draggin out a miserable existence
in Ohio, on the beggarly pittance uv two dollars a day, and
my farm is runnin to weeds. He conclooded by givin it ez his
solemn opinion that he never cood be reconciled to the Government
so long ez the Burow wuz tolerated, and that Ablishnist
held the Post Orfis at the Corners.
Gineral Dinges considered the Burow a inkubus upon the
State. It interfered between master and servant. Cood git
along better ef the nigger wuz left to the nateral laws wich
regulates capital and labor. Tried to keep his niggers, and did
keep em the past summer till after the crop wuz in, and then
tried to settle with em for four dollars a month, with sich
-- 283 --
[figure description] Page 283.[end figure description]
deductions for food, sickness, and broken tools, et settry, ez wuz
just. Brought the niggers, all uv em, in my debt, and generously
proposed to let em work it out choppin cord wood doorin
the winter. Hauled me up afore the Burow, and wuz forst to
pay em each $15 per month. Consider the Burow ez all that
stands in the way uv rekonstruction, though the removal uv
the Ablishun Postmaster at the Corners and the appintment uv
a sound constooshnel Dimekrat wood grately assist in conciliatin
the Kentucky mind.
I tried to get some nigger testimony, but cood elicit nothing
worth while. One nigger, who spends the heft uv his time at
the Corners, wuz opposed to the Burow becoz it stopt rations
on him. And Lucy, a octoroon, who formerly belonged to, and
still resides with, Elder Gavitt (who is now absent ez a delegate
to a Southern religious convention at Louisville), testified
that the Burow “wuz no grate shakes,” becoz bein ez the Elder
wuz a widower, and the father uv all her children, and bein
she's a free woman, she askt the agent to make the Elder marry
her, and he woodn't do it. But sich evidence is irrelevent, and
I didn't consider it worth while botherin yoor Exslency with
it. Both, however, strongly insisted on the removal uv the
Ablishun Postmaster at the Corners.
Abslum Pettus wuz convinst the Burow wuz agin the prosperity
uv the State, and wuz underminin the moral and physikle
welfare uv the nigger. It made him impudent. Hed sum uv
em workin for him, and notist at noons and nites he'd find em
with a spellin-book and a reader. Didn't bleeve in readin.
Coodent read hisself, but hed a cousin wunst who learned; but
ez soon ez he cood read he moved off to Injeanny, quit the
Democrisy, and become a loathsum Ablishnist. Heerd he wuz
killed in the war, and served him rite. Wanted to know what
we wood do when the niggers cood all read. Sposed we'd hev
to 'lect em to offis, ez the people alluz selected sich, when they
cood find em. Didn't bleeve in nigger equality, and wuz in
favor uv imediate change in the post orfice at the Corners.
Captain McSlather thought things hed cum to a sweet old
pass, when a man coodn't lather a nigger without bein hauled
up afore a Burow.
Kurnel Pelter thought ef yoor Exslency cood witness the
-- 284 --
[figure description] Page 284.[end figure description]
corrupshen that eggsisted in the Burow, yoo'd make short work
uv it. Why, he whipped a nigger hand more than he ought,
perhaps, and he died uv the injuries. It wuz a aggravatin case.
The nigger wuz sassy, and it cost three hundred and sixteen
dollars to pervide for his family. That infamous Burow made
me pay for their rashens all winter. He asked, indignantly, ef
this wuz or wuz not a free kentry into wich such things wuz
permitted. And the Ablishen Postmaster at the Corners approved
the tyranikle action. He demanded his removal.
I conceive it to be onnecessary to submit further testimony.
I know not what luck yoor other commissioners may hev met
with in takin testimony on this subjick; but in this vicinity
there can't be no doubt that there can't be that love for the
Government, without wich free instooshens won't flourish to
any alarmin extent, ontil this monster is squelched. The testimony
is unanimous, and them ez I hev examined are representative
men.
You may hev notist, also, the singler unanimity with wich
they all bore testimony to the necessity uv a change in the
Post Orfis at the Corners. I endorse all they say on this question,
considerin that that change is ez necessary in the grate
work uv pacifyin and conciliation ez is the removal uv the Burow.
In case a change is made, I would say, for your guidance,
that I hev been warmly solicited by my friends to accept the
position, and to pacify em, hev at last yielded a reluctant consent.
The fact that I never served in the Confederate army
may be an objection; but, to offset that, I voted for Vallandygum
twice.
Ef possible, send me a pardon at the same time yoo send me
my commission ez Post Master; for, if the Post Offis don't pay,
I may want to run for some other office, in wich event that
document would be essential to my success.
With sentiments uv the most profound respek,
I am
Trooly yours,
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n52* A commission made up of the adherents of President Johnson was sent
South to examine into the workings of the Freedmen's Bureau, and the condition
of the South generally. The commission had a delightful trip South,
saw what was desired of them to see, and nothing else, and reported as was
desired, and nothing more. Nasby's report reads very like that of the commission.
-- 285 -- p635-308
CVII. PRESIDES AT A CHURCH TRIAL.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
June 9, 1866.
[figure description] Page 285.[end figure description]
They hed a ruction in the church at the Corners yisterday,
wich bid fair to result in a rendin uv the walls of our Zion, and
the tearin down uv the temple we hev reared with so much
care and hev guarded with so much solissitood. When I say
“we,” I mean the members thereof, ez the church wuz
reorganized sence the war by returned Confedrit soldiers and
sich Dimekrats ez remained at home nootrel; but inasmuch ez
I am the only reglerly ordained Dimokratic paster in these
parts I ginerly conduct the services, and hentz hev insensibly
fell into a habit uv speakin uv the church ez “my” church,
and I feel all the solissitood for its spiritooal and temporal welfare
that I cood ef I wuz reglerly ordained ez its pastor, wich
I expect to be ef I fail in gettin that post offis at the Corners,
wich is now held by a Ablishnist uv the darkest dye, wich
President Johnson, with a stubbornness I can't account for,
persistently refooses to remove.
The case wuz suthin like this: —
Deekin Pogram wuz charged by Elder Slather with hevin, in
broad daylite, with no attempt at concealment, drank with a
nigger, and a free nigger at that, in Bascom's grocery, and to
prove the charge Deekin Slather called Deekin Pennibacker.
The Deekin wuz put onto the stand, and testified ez
follows: —
“Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up for the drinks
with Deekin Slather. Hed jist beet the Deekin one game and
hed four on the second, and held high, low, and jack, and wuz
modritly certin uv goin out, partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't
beg. Wus hevin a little discussion with him — the Deekin insistin
that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv the best
two in three, jest as though a man cood afford to play five
games between drinks! The ijee is preposterous and unheard
of, and ther ain't no precedent for any sich course. We wuz
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settlin the dispoot in regler orthodox style — he hed his fingers
twisted in my neck handkercher, and I hed a stick uv stove
wood suspended over his head. While in this position we wuz
transfixed with horror at seein Deekin Pogram enter, arm-in-arm
with a nigger, and, —
The Court. — Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother Pennibacker?
Witness. — Certainly.
The Court. — The scribe will make a minnit uv this. Go on.
Witness. — They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm,
walked up to the bar, and drank together.
By the Court. — Did they drink together?
Witness. — They ondeniable did.
By myself. — The Court desires to know what partikeler
flooid they absorbed.
Witness. — Can't say — spose 'twas Bascom's new whiskey—
that's all he's got, ez the Court very well knows.
By myself. — The Sexton will go at once to Bascom's and
procoor the identicle bottle from which this wretched man,
who stands charged with thus lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring
it hither. The Court desires to know for herself whether it
was really whisky. The pint is an important one for the Court
to know.
A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be better onderstood
by the Court if it wuz a quart. The bottle wuz, however,
brought, and the Court, wich is me, wuz satisfied that it
wuz really and trooly whisky. Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated
my parched throat, I wished the trials based upon that bottle
cood be perpetocal.
I considered the case proved, and asked Brother Pogram
what palliation he hed to offer. I set before him the enormity
uv the crime, and showed him that he was by this course
sappin the very foundashun uv the Church and the Democratic
party. Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin nigger
equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told him that
Ham wuz cust by Noah, and wuz condemned to be a servant
unto his brethren — that he wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy
wuz built upon that idea, and that associatin with him in
any shape that indicated equality, wuz either puttin them up
to our standard or lowerin ourselves to theirn; in either case
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the result wuz fatal. I implored Brother Pogram to make a
clean breast uv it, confess his sin, and humbly receive sich
punishment ez shood be awarded him, and go and sin no more.
“Speak up, Brother Pogram,” sez I, paternally, and yet severely.
Brother Pogram, to my unspeakable relief, for he is the
wealthiest member of the congregashun, and one we darsn't
expel, replied, —
“That he DID drink with the nigger, and wat wuz more,
he wuz justified in doin it, for THE NIGGER PAID FOR THE
WHISKY!!”
“But, shoorly,” I remarked, “it wasn't nessary to yoor purpose
to come in with the nigger arm-in-arm, — a attitood wich
implies familiarity, ef not affeckshun.”
The Prisoner. — The nigger and I hed bin pitchin coppers
for drinks, and I, possessin more akootnis, hed won. I took
the nigger by the arm, fearin that ef I let go uv him he'd
dodge without payin. They are slippery.
Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst
dismist the charge as unfounded and frivolous.
“My brethren,” sez I, “the action uv Brother Pogram is not
only justifiable, but is commendable, and worthy of imitashun.
Ham wuz cust by Noah, and condemned by him to serve his
brethren. The nigger is the descendant of Ham, and we are
the descendants uv the brethren, and ef Noah hed a clear rite
to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the balance uv the
boys for all time, we hev ded wood on the nigger, for it is
clear that he wuz made to labor for us and minister to our
wants. So it wuz, my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power,
interfered and delivered him out of our hand. Wat shel we
do? Wat we cannot do by force we must do by financeerin.
We can't any longer compel the nigger to furnish us the
means, and therefore in order to fulfil the skripter, we are
justified in accomplishing by our sooperior skill wat we used
to do with whips and dorgs. The spectacle uv Brother
Pogram's marchin into Bascom's with that nigger wuz a
sublime spectacle, and one well calculated to cheer the heart uv
the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an encounter
where skill wuz required, thus demonstratm the sooperiority
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uv the Anglo-Saxon mind — he led him a captive, and made uv
him a spoil. Wood, O wood that we all hed a nigger to play
with for drinks! The case is dismissed, the costs to be paid
by the complainant!”
The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever. This trial, ez
it resulted, is a new and strong abutment — a tall and strong
tower.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CVIII. TURNS A MEETING, CALLED TO INDORSE GENERAL ROSSEAU, TO ACCOUNT.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
June 22, 1866.
*There wuz joy at the Corners when the Postmaster (who
takes the only paper wich comes to the office, ceptin a few wich
comes to some demoralized niggers who hev learned to read,
and the officers uv the Freedmen's Burow here) read to the
crowd the news uv the canin wich Rosso, wich is uv Kentucky,
give Grinnell. It sent a thrill uv joy through the State, wich
ain't done thrillin yet. Bustin out into nine hearty cheers, we
to-wunst organized a meetin for the purpose uv expressin our
feelins on the momentous occasion. The bell wuz rung, the
people gathered together, and I wuz elected Chairman (they
alluz elect me to preside becoz I'm bald-headed; they think
bald heads and dignity is inseparable), and Deekin Pogram
Secretary, with 36 Vice-Presidents — one for each State. I
made a short speech on takin the chair, congratulatin em on
the auspicious event wich called us together. Whereupon a
Committee on Resolutions wuz appinted, wich, after a short
absence, reported ez follows: —
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Whereas, Genral Rosso, a native-born Kentuckian, and therefore
a gentleman, hevin got into a argument with a Iowa sheepbreeder;
and,
Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the argument, he dextrously
turned it into blackguardin; and,
Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the blackguardin, he remembered
the ancient usages uv the chivalrous sons uv the South,
and caned him; therefore, be it
Resolved, That we, the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit × Roads,
wich is in the State uv Kentucky, hereby thank General Rosso
for his manly vindication uv the character uv Kentucky.
Resolved, That we know not wich to admire the most; the
dashin Gineral's courage in bravin the public sentiment uv the
North, or his prudence in selectin the smallest and physically
weakest man in the House to demonstrate onto.
Resolved, That ez Thad Stevens is 70 years of age, and lame,
and hardly recovered from his fit uv sickness, we suggest that
our beloved hero commence a argument with him, feelin that
so far ez the argument and blackguardin goes the result will
be the same, only so much more so ez to give him a good excuse
for killin him, wich wood be doin the South a servis
indeed.
Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hevent felt so
good sence the Memphis riots.
Resolved, That this manly act uv Gineral Rosso's makes up
and compensates the South for the outrage he inflicted onto
her when he jined the vandal host wich devastated her soil,
and that hereafter he shel be receeved with just the same cordiality
ez though he had gone into the Confedrit instid uv the
Federal servis.
Resolved, That the thanks uv the Dimocrisy are due the bold,
brave men who accompanied and stood by General Rosso in
this vindication uv the Southern spirit.
I put the affirmative, ez is the custom here, it bein the rool
when the leaders want a thing to pass, never to call for the
nays, and it went through all right. Then I arose, and stated
I hed another resolution, wich I wished to offer, and I read
it: —
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Resolved, That in retainin in the Post Offis, at the Corners, a
Ablishnist, President Johnson is —
At this point Deekin Pogram interrupted me. He spozed
this meetin wuz called to congratulate Ginral Rosso, and wat
wuz the sense uv mixin up a paltry Post Offis with a matter
uv so much importance ez the canin uv a Ablishnist? It was
clearly out uv order.
I replied, “Wood yoo be glad, or wood this congregashun
be glad, to hev me in the Post Orfis in the place uv that
Ablishnist?”
The Deekin replied that personally he wood. He had the
highest respect for my massive talents and my excellent qualities
uv head and heart, and besides, he thought probable, ef I
got the Post Orfis, he wood stand a chance uv gettin the nine
dollars and sixty-two cents borrowed money I owed him,
and —
I called him to order at once.
Bascom, who keeps the grocery, and who furnishes me with
likker (wich I hev to take for my hair) on the strength uv
remittances I am to receeve, insisted on hearin the resolution
ef it wood further my gettin the Post Orfis, and so did the benevolent
gentleman with whom I board, and I resoomed, —
“I kin see a good reason for incorporatin a resolooshun demandin
a change in the Post Orfis into the proceedins uv this
meetin. There wood be, my friends, no yoose uv sendin the
President a naked resolution demandin this change, becoz he
reseeves hundreds and tens uv hundreds uv applications for
offices every day; in fact, they pile in at sich a rate that he
never opens the half uv them. The Dimocrisy, my brethren,
are alive on this subject. Ef they are to support the President,
they want, and will hev, the post orfises, for uv what use
is it to support a man and pay yoor own expenses? It is plain
that the proceedins uv a post offis meetin wood never reach
him, but this, my brethren, goes up to him from the PEOPLE,
endorsin a supporter uv his policy, and ez it will be the only
one he hez reseeved, or will reseeve, he will read it and read
it through, and in the exultation he will feel at bein endorsed
by anybody, who doubts the result? The Post Orfis is mine.”
Bascom, the grocery keeper, moved, excitedly, the adoption
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uv the resolution. I suggested that I hed better read it, but
he sed it made no difference; he knew it wuz all rite. The
benevolent and confidin individooal I board with seconded the
motion, and Deekin Pogram supported it in a short speech,
statin that he understood that it wuz Brother Nasby's intention,
ef he succeeded in procoorin the position, to devote the
first three and a half years' salary towards payin off the small
indebtedness he hed contracted sence he hed honored the town
by residin in it. To all uv wich I blandly smiled an assent,
whereupon the resolution wuz adopted yoonanimusly. Hevin
lived here a little risin uv a year, the vote wuz perfeckly
yoonanimous.
My prospex is britenin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n53* General Rosseau, in feeble imitation of Brooks, assaulted Mr. Grinnell, of
Iowa, having been worsted in an argument. Kentucky, of course, indorsed
Rosseau.
CIX. PREACHES — THE “PRODIGAL SON. ” — AN INTERRUPTION.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
July 6, 1866.
I preached last Sabbath, or rather, tried to, from the parable
of the Prodigal Son. We hed a splendid congregashun. I
notice a revival of the work in this part uv the Dimocratic
vineyard wich reely cheers me. The demonstrashun our friends
made in Memphis, the canin uv Grinnel by Rosso, and the call
for a Johnson Convenshun in Philadelphia, all, all hev conspired
to comfort the souls uv the Dimocrisy, and encourage em to
renewed effort. It is bringing forth fruit. Only last week five
northern men were sent whirlin out of this section. They
dusted in the night to escape hangin, leavin their goods as a
prey for the righteous. Six niggers hev been killed and one
Burow officer shot. Trooly there is everything to encourage
us.
-- 292 --
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The house wuz full. The weather wuz hot, and the pleasant
incense uv mingled whiskey, tobacco, and snuff wich ariz wuz
grateful to me. The sun shone in on Deekin Pogram's face ez
he gently slept, and when the sun hits him square I kin alluz
tell wher he sets, even ef it is dark. He drinks apple-jack
instead of corn whiskey, and chaws fine-cut tobacker instead
uv plug, and consekently when in the pulpit I kin distinguish
the pecooliar aroma uv his breath from those around him.
“My brethren,” sed I, “sich uv yoo ez hev Bibles in yoor
houses, kin get somebody to read yoo the parable to wich I
shel call yoor attention. A man, wunst upon a time, hed sons,
ez many men hev since, and wun uv em wuz a tough one, who
hed a taste for that pertikeler branch uv agriculture known ez
sowin wild oats. He left his home and went into far countries,
makin the old man shel out his share uv the estate, and he lived
high, jist, my brethren, ez yoor boys do, or rather, did, when
they went to Noo Orleans, in the days when yoo hed a nigger
or two wich yoo cood sell to supply em with money. He
played draw poker and faro; he drank fancy drinks, and boarded
at big hotels; and he follered after strange women, which 'll
bust a man quicker nor any one small sin the devil hez yet invented,
ez yoor pastor kin testify. Uv course, his pile give
out, and he got down, my friends, did this ingenuous yooth, to
rags and wretchedness, and ended in being an overseer uv
swine. What did he do? He ariz and went to his father, and
the old man saw him afar off, and went out to meet him, and
fell onto his neck, and give him a order for a suit of clothes
and a pair uv boots, and put a ring onto his finger, and made a
feast, killin for the purpose the fatted calf wich he hed saved
for another occasion.
“My friends, you kin find in the Skripter suthin applicable
to every occasion, and this parable fits the present time like a
ready-made coat. The South is the Prodigal Son. We went
out from our father's house on a expedition wich hezn't proved
altogether a success. We spent our share uv the estate, and
a little more. We run through with our means, and hev cum
down to rags, and dirt, and filth, and hunger. We are, and
hev bin some time, a chawin husks. We run out after them
twin harlots, Slavery and State Rights, and they've cleaned us
-- 293 --
[figure description] Page 293.[end figure description]
out. Our pockets are empty. No more doth the pleasant half-dollar
jingle in sweet unison agin its fellows. Our wallets is
barren uv postal currency, and the grocery-keepers mourn, and
refuse to be comforted, becoz we are not. We hev got to the
husk stage uv our woe, and wood be tendin hogs, ef the armies,
wich past through these countries, hed left us any. We hev
come back. In rags and dirt we hev wended our way to Washington,
and ask to be taken back. Now, why don't our father,
the Government, fulfil the Skripter? Why don't it see us afar
off, and run out to meet us? Why don't it put onto us a purple
robe? Where's the ring for our finger, and the shoes for our
feet? and where's the fatted calf he ought to kill? My brethren,
them Ablishnists is worse than infiddles — while they
preach the gospel they won't practise it. For my part,
I —”
At this point a sargent, belongin to that infernal Burow, who
wuz in the audience, with enough uv soldiers to make opposin
uv him unpleasant, sed he hed bin a sort uv an exhorter in his
day, and desired to say a word in explanation uv that parable,
ez applicable to the present time; and, sez he, “ef I am interrupted,
remember I b'long to the church military, wich is, just
now, the church triumphant.” And cockin his musket he proceeded,
very much uninterrupted.
“The prodigal son,” sez he, “wuz received by the old man
with considerable doins, but, my worthy friends, he went out
decently. He didn't, ez soon ez he withdrawed from the house,
turn around and make war onto the old gentleman — he didn't
burn his house and barns, tear up his garden, burn his fences,
and knock down the balance uv his children. Not any. He
went away peaceably, a misguided good-for-nothin, but yet a
peaceable good-for-nothin. Secondly, he come back uv his own
akkord. The old man didn't go after him, and fight for four
years, at a cost uv half his substance, to subdue him and bring
him back, but when he hed run through his pile, and squandered
his share uv the estate, and got hungry, he came back like a
whipped dog.
“My friends, let me draw a parallel between these cases.
“The Prodigal Son went out, — so did the South, — thus
farly the cases is alike.
-- 294 --
[figure description] Page 294.[end figure description]
“The Prodigal didn't steal nothin. The Confederacy took
everything it cood lay its hands on.
“The Prodigal spent only what wuz his to spend. The Confederacy
spent not only all it stole, but all it cood borrer, when
it knowed its promises to pay wuzent worth the mizable paper
they wuz printed onto.
“The Prodigal, when he did come, come ez penitent ez the
consciousness that he hed made a fool uv hisself cood make
him. The Confederacy wuz whipped back, but it still swears
hefty oaths that it wuz right all the time.
“The Prodigal didn't demand veal pot-pies, and purple robes,
and sich, but begged to be a servant unto the more sensible
brethren wich stayed. The South comes back demandin office,
uv wich the fatted calf, and rings, and purple robes is typical,
and considerably more share in the government than it had
before it kicked over the traces, and went out.
“Spozn the Bible prodigal hed stopped his parient, and remarked
to him thus: `I am willin to come back, on conditions.
Yoo must pay my debts — yoo must give me an ekal share uv
the farm with the other boys — yoo must treat me in all respecks
just ez ef I hadn't gone out, and — this is essential —
yoo must take with me all the sharpers who ruined me, all the
gamblers and thieves with whom I fell in while I wuz away,
and make them head men on the place; and above all, I hev
with me the two harlots wich wuz the prime cause of my ruin,
and they must hev eleven of the best rooms in the house, and
must be treated ez your daughters. To avoid displeasin the
others, I'll dress em in different clothes, but here they must
stay. Otherwise, I'll go out agin.'
“Probably the old gentleman wood hev become indignant,
and would hev remarked to him to go, and never let him see
his audacious face agin, or rather, he would hev strangled the
harlots, scattered the blacklegs, and choked the young sprout
into submission. Them's me. I am anxious to kill that fatted
calf, and am also anxious to put on yoo robes and shoes. But,
alas! the calf suffered from want uv attention so long doorin
the late misunderstandins that he's too poor — the robes wuz
all cut up into bloo kotes for the soljers we sent out to fetch
yoo in — the shoes they wore out, and the rings — Jeff'son
-- 295 -- p635-318
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Davis wears the only style we hev. When you come back in
good shape, yool find us ready to meet yoo; but till then, chaw
husks?”
Lookin around, this armed tyrant remarked that there would
be no more preaching that day, and sadly the congregation
dispersed.
I am heart sick. At every turn I make that Burow stares
me in the face, and counteracts my best endeavors. It's
curious, though, what different sermons kin be preached from
the same text, and it's also curious how quiet our folks listen
to a Ablishnist who hez muskets to back him.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CX. A PLEASANT DREAM, THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION BEING THE SUBJECT THEREOF.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
July 28, 1866.
*My dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin the past five
years, hevent bin overly pleasant; indeed, they hev taken
more the shape uv hideous nitemares than anything else —
Linkin, Grant, Sherman, and armies dressed in blue, figurin
extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision wich more
than repaid me for all I hev suffered heretofore. I hed bin at
the Corners assistin in inauguratin a new grocery. The
proprietor wuz a demoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker
surreptitiously in Maine, among them Ablishnists, and consekently
hed no idea uv the quantity a full grown Kentucky
Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv. His entire capital
with which he proposed to commence biznis wuz one barrel uv
new corn whiskey, and some other necessaries, and ez a starter,
-- 296 --
[figure description] Page 296.[end figure description]
to make the acquaintance uv his customers, he announced one
free nite, and invited the entire community. His invitashun
wuz considered generous, and we met it in the same noble sperit—
in a more nobler sperit than the confidin and ignorant man
desired, in fact; for when we got through, in about thirty-eight
minits, there wuzn't a drop uv the whiskey left, and while the
new grocery keeper wuz a rollin uv us out, he wuz cussin hisself
for a fool. He didn't open agin; he consoomed his stock in
trade in givin the blow-out to sekoor customers. His stock, like
A. Johnson's Unionism, didn't survive an inaugerashen.
I succumbed in a fence corner, and, overpowered ez I wuz,
slept,
“A sweetly dreamin —
Dreamin the happy hours away.”
Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August
had arriv. There wuz a glorious assemblage, ez Doolittle sed,
uv the brains and hearts uv the country, and I may add, ez I
and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv the bowels likewise.
The Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward present,
engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I notist, in my dream, a
shadowy bein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a
melonkoly look, with one hand a lyin on his shoulder, a tryin
to take him out uv the hall, while another bein, with wings like
a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a twistin uv him jest ez
he desired. I notist that this last mentioned bein hed hoofs,
wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in great glee.
The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's
ear, whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-President
Franklin Pierce, be chairman; upon wich the shadowy
bein in white unfolded her wings, and flew away, castin at
William the most sorrowful look I ever saw, the hoofed and
tailed individooal laughin tremendous. The Ex-President took
the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from each
State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My buzzum swelled
with emoshen ez that list wuz read; it wuz more like an old-fashioned
Democratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard
for five long years. I heard the honored names uv Toombs
and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and Rosso, and Dandridge
and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven and Pollard,
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[figure description] Page 297.[end figure description]
Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like him uv old — “Mine
eyes hev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace.”
Nothing but the certainty that I wood at last hev that Post
Offis at the Corners kept me from goin up. Singler wat slender
ties hold us to earth!
The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees — two
on each from the South and one from the North, wich wuz
consiliatin. I wuz put on the committee on credenshals, Randall,
the Postmaster-General, bein the Northern representative.
We hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on us, so
many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours to
decide what shood be the proper qualification for a place.
Finally we agreed to admit ez delegates, —
From the North — all Democrats who hed bin arrested by
Linkin's minyuns; all officers who hed resined rather than to
serve in a Ablishun war, and all Republikins who cood show a
commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and (this wuz considered
necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin to take
his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything
A. Johnson hed did sence Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small
items wich wuz specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he
mite do.
From the South — all who cood show a officer's commission
in the late Confedrit army; all who had receeved a pardon
from A. Johnson, and all who hed lost their niggers in an
unholy war, wich inclooded all present.
This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took
their seats, and the grate work uv Reconstructin the Unyun
commenced. Garret Davis wanted to make a speech, and a
hall wuz hired for him in another part uv the city, and fifty or
sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand a word uv
English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Five
kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie
to, hed bin rolled in the hall, and most uv them stayed seven
hours and a half.
In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz
edifyin. Doolittle wood make a motion, and Vallandigham
wood second it. Forrest made a speech, and Randall indorsed
it. Seward and John Morrissey were on the Committee on
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[figure description] Page 298.[end figure description]
Resolutions, and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one
seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They
resolved that, —
Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our
national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody
hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days
each; and
Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections
viewin things each from its own standpint, instead uv viewin
things from the other's standpint; and
Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly
the North; and
Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history,
hed thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old
position in the Government — nay, more, to take more than
her old share in the trouble uv runnin the Government;
therefore be it
Resolved, That we are for the Union ez it wuz.
Resolved, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in
continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed
our system uv Government, in legislatin while eleven sovereign
States is unrepresented, is pizen.
Resolved, That we view with alarm the manifest determination
uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin
power uv the Government, and we pledge our support to our
worthy Chief Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his
efforts to check their centralizin schemes by vetoin all they
may do.
Resolved, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be
wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an
appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the citizens
uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective Governments,
so-called, to carry muskets, cum together, particklerly
them uv wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv the disputes
that ensood.
Resolved, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes,
change the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta,
Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Browns
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burg, Jonesburg, et settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses
wich occurred at them places may be remembered no more
forever.
Resolved, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost
their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses wich
hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension rolls the
same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise; and that
the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez viewed
from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez the debt
incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from its
stand-pint.
Resolved, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to
admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered,
worthy uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson.
Resolved, That the safety uv the Government demands that
sich ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern
States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other
posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more unpleasant
they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to
be admitted.
Resolved, That there be gushin confidences, we freely forgive
the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv his
little bell door in the late unpleasantnis, believin that he viewed
things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody else's,
wich alluz causes trouble.
At this pint, His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by
Secretary Wells on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens
on one other, with Bukanan in front and Toombs behind, entered
the hall. Sich a cheerin I never heerd. Hats wuz slung into
the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they advanced up the
aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin wich a
enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd
before em. They took their position on the stage, General
Buell holdin over em a Fedral flag, and General Henry A.
Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedrit flag, both wavin em to the
music uv the bands; one a playin Dixie, and the other Yankee
Doodle.
At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into
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the hall, and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv
President Johnson. In my dreem I heerd him murmur, “There
wuz me, and Adams, and Jefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and
then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon, and, good
God! Johnson! Faugh!” and I notist that George spit ez tho'
suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv
his country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit
moved out uv the hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool
boots ez he shot thro' the sky-lite.
There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I
was at the Post-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin
hed commenced work, and the supporters uv the constitushun
were reseevin their commissions ez postmasters ez fast ez four
hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I pressed forward, Randall
hisself give me mine. “Take it, my venerable friend,”
sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; “take it. No
more shall that Demokrat in your township who takes a
paper reseeve it contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin
radical.”
At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a
reality! Will I only git that post-offis in a dream?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
eaf635n54* The Philadelphia convention, which met a few weeks after the date of this
“dream,” followed very closely the suggestions contained in it.
CXI. REWARD OF VIRTUE. — THE VIRTUOUS PATRIOT SECURES HIS LOAF. — JOLLIFICATION.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
August 12, 1866.
At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weary trips
to Washington, after much weary waitin and much travail, I
hev got it. I am now Post Master at Confedrit × Roads, and
am dooly installed in my new position. Ef I ever hed any
doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paul the
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Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch
myself a feelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years
ago, another look, and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I
doubt his Democrisy, I look at that blessed commission, and am
reassured, for a President who cood turn out a wounded Federal
soldier, and appoint sich a man ez ME, must be above suspicion.
I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a cirkler
from Randall, now my sooperior in offis, propoundin these questions: —
1. Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in
all that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may hereafter
do?
2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convenshun will be
a convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and
devoted to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid
country?
3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle,
Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and bestest,
and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist men
that this country hez ever prodoost?
4. Do yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place reserved
in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and
the hottest for Sumner and Thad Stevens?
5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso?
6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin
states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid assumption uv power
by a secshnal Congris?
7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that
(eleven states bein unrepresented) all their acts are unconstooshnel
and illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin
salaries?
8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans unpleasantnesses
wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv
them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and
besotted niggers, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens
uv those properly reconstructed cities?
9. Are yoo not satisfied that the Afrikin citizens uv
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Amerikin descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal
law wich governs labor and capital?
10. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent. uv
yoor salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable
Congrismen in the disloyal states North?
To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went
afore a Justis uv the Peace an took an affidavit to em, forwarded
it back, and my commission wuz forthwith sent to me.
There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread
rapidly through the four groceries uv the town, and sich
another spontaneous outbust uv joy I never witnessed.
The bells rung, and for an hour or two the Corners wuz in
the wildest state uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated
each other on the certainty uv the acceshun uv the President
to the Dimocrisy, and in their enthoosiasm five nigger families
were cleaned out, two uv em, one a male and tother a female,
wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuz organized as follers: —
Two grocery keepers with bottles.
Deekin Pogram.
Me, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it
written, “In this Sign we Conker.”
Wagon with tabloo onto it: A nigger on the bottom boards,
Bascom, the grocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a
banner inscribed, “The Nigger where he oughter be.”
Citizen with bottle.
Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a attitood uv wallopin
a wench. Banner: “We've Regained our Rites.”
Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun.
Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles, fallin out
by the way side.
Citizens, two and two, with bottles.
Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a nigger skool,
in a state uv wreck, with a ded nigger layin on top uv it, wich
hed bin captoored within the hour. Banner: “My Policy.”
The perceshun mooved to the meetin house, and Deekin
Pogram takin the Chair, a meetin wuz to-wunst organized.
The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv
his life. He wuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed
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-- 303 --
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friend, becoz he appreciated the noble qualities wich wuz so
conspikuous into him, and becoz his arduous services in the
coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the posishun. All these wuz
aside uv and entirely disconnected from the fact that there
wood now be a probability uv his gittin back a little matter uv
nine dollars and sixty-two cents (“Hear! hear!”) wich he hed
loaned him about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed
him well, or larned to love him. But there wuz anuther reason
why he met to rejoice to-nite. It showed that A. Johnson
meant biznis; that A. Johnson wuz troo to the Dimokrasy, and
that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv offishl
thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies,
and to make fight in earnest; that he wuz goin to reward his
friends — them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein
put in condishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Corners
the little sums he owes them is a good thing (“Hear!” “Hear!”
“Troo!” “Troo!” with singular unanimity from every man in
the bildin), but wat wuz sich considerashuns when compared
to the grate moral effect uv the decisive movement? (“A
d—d site!” shouted one grocery keeper, and “We don't want
no moral effect!” cried another.) My friends, when the news
uv this bold step uv the President goes forth to the South, the
price uv Confederit skript will go up, and the shootin uv niggers
will cease; for the redempshun uv the first I consider
ashoored, and the redoosin uv the latter to their normal condishun
I count ez good ez done.
Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered
with emoshun to speak. For four years, nearly five, the only
newspaper wich come to that offis hed passed thro' the polluted
hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed no partikler objecshun to the
misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv tyranny, and so long
ez he sot there, he reminded em that they were wearin chains.
Thank the Lord, that day is over! The Corners is redeemed,
the second Jaxson hez risen, and struck off the shackles. He
wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that
he loaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood
be paid out uv the first money —
Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called the
Squire to order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk
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sich talk. No man cood feel a more heart-felt satisfaction at
the appintment uv our honored friend than him, showin, ez it
did, that the President hed cut loose from Ablishnism, wich he
dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire undertakin to git in
his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht him his
licker for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the first
dig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never —
The other three grocery keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram
rooled em all out uv order, and offered the followin resolutions: —
Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner,
relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted
by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a
sound constooshnel Demokrat — one whom to know is to lend;
therefore, be it
Resolved, That we greet the President, and ashoor him uv
our continyood support and confidence.
Resolved, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction,
so far ez this community is concerned, completed, and that we
feel that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations
with the federal government.
Resolved, That the glorious defence made by the loyal Democracy
uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and
niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white
men shel rule America.
Resolved, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the Government
for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin
anybody.
The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with
three cheers for Johnson and his policy.
Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there
with a note made out for the amount I owed him at three
months. Kindness of heart is a weakness uv mine, and I signed
em all, feelin that ef the mere fact of writin my name wood do
em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object to the little
labor required. Bless their innocent soles! they went away
happy.
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The next mornin I took possesshun uv the offis.
“Am I awake, or am I dreamin?” thought I. No, no! it is
no dream. Here is the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is
the commishun! It is troo! it is troo!
I heerd a child, across the way, singin, —
“I'd like to be a angel,
And with the angels stand.”
I woodn't, thought I. I woodn't trade places with an angel,
even up. A Offis with but little to do, with four grocerys
within a stone's throw, is ez much happiness ez my bilers will
stand without bustin. A angel forsooth!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CXII. THE CONVOCATION OF HUNGRY SOULS AT PHILADELPHIA. — A DESCRIPTION OF THAT MEMORABLE OCCASION BY ONE WHO HAD BEEN PROVIDED FOR.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
August 14, 1866.
*Peace is into me. I hev spent many happy periods in the
course uv a eventful life; but I never knowd what perfeck
satisfaction wuz till now. The first week I wuz married to my
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Looizer Jane it wuz heavenly; for, independent uv the other
blisses incident to the married state, I beleeved that she wuz
the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her father wuz,
wich, on the old man's decease, wood be hern, and the prospeck
uv a lifetime with a amiable, well-built woman, with a
farm big enough to support me, with prudence on her part,
wuz bliss itself; and I enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness
rarely ekaled, until I found out that it wuz kivered more
deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely to be with
crops, and my dream uv happiness bustid. Sweet ez wuz this
week, it wuz misery condensed when compared to the season
I hev jest passed through.
I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elected nor
nothin, and hedn't any credentials; but the door uv the wigwam
I passed, nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat,
and my breath helped me; my nose, wich reely blossoms like
the lobster, wuz uv yoose; but I spect my hevin a gray coat
on, with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto it, wuz wat
finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uv
me; but the Northern ones, bless their souls! the minnit they
saw the star on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn't do enuff
for me. They addressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed
“this wuz trooly an unmeritid honor,” and paid for my drinks;
and I succeeded in borrowin a hundred and twenty dollars of
em the first day. I mite hev doubled it; but the fellows wuz
took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required, and it really
wuz no amusement.
The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I
ever witnist. I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin
the concern, and I cood see it all. The crowd rushed into the
bildin, and filled it, when Randall desired attention. He bein
the Postmaster General, every one of em dropped into his seat
ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz the most perfeck
quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winked at
Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that
the delegates from South Karliny and the delegates from
Massachoosits wood enter arm in arm! With a slow and
measured step they come in; and, at a signal from Randall,
the cheerin commenst — and sich cheerin! Then Doolittle
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pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes;
and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hankercher,
and applied it to his eyes.
To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life; not that
there wuz anything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore
me, for there wuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked
partikilerly ashamed of hisself, ez though he wuz goin thro a
highly nessary, but extremely disgustin, ceremony, and wuz
determined to keep up a stiff upper lip over it; and Couch
looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, and ez
though he felt flattered by Orr's condecension in walkin at all
with sich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene
wuz significant. I looked into the fucher, and wat did I see,
ez them two men — one sneekin, and tother ashamed uv hisself—
walked up that aisle? Wat did I see? I saw the
Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the reunion
uv the two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic
bird reunited. The North, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky,
the beak, sharp, hungry, and rapacious; South-west, the
strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and claws; Ohio, the
heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach; South Caroliny, the tail
feathers; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird, — I saw
these parts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin
nigger in one claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, “Take
em both together; they go in lots.” I saw the old Union —
the bold, chivelrous Southerner a guidin, controllin, and directin
the machine, and assoomin to hisself the place uv honor,
and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a puppy dog, at
his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; the Southerner
ashamed uv his associations, but forced to yoose em; the
Northerner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him by
self-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when
thirty-four States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em;
and ez I contemplated the scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead
earnest.
“Wat are you blubberin for?” asked a enthusiastic delegate
in front uv me, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a handkercher.
“I'm a Postmaster,” sez I, “and must do my dooty in this
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crisis. Wat are you sheddin pearls for?” retorted I. “Are
you a Postmaster?”
“No,” sez he; “but I hope to be;” and he swabbed away
with renood vigger.
“Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?”
sez I.
“They've all got Post Offisis in em,” sez he; and he worked
away faster than ever.
While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from the
hind coat pocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way,
in my delirious joy, I forgot to say anything to him about), I
looked over the Convenshun, and agin the teers welled up from
my heart. My sole wuz full and overflowin, and I slopped over
at the eyes. There, before me, sat that hero, Dick Taylor, and
Cuth Bullitt; and there wuz the Nelsons and Yeadons, and
the representatives uv the first families uv the South, and in
Philadelphia, at a Convention, with all the leadin Demokrats
uv the North, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz
skulkin around within call, with their watchful eyes on the
perceedins. Here is a prospeck! Here is fatnis! The President
into our confidence! The Postmaster General a runnin
the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the Star
Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody cood complain uv
partiality, or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or
wich side it had been on in the past! Ah! my too susceptible
sole filled up agin; the teers started; but that vent wuznt enuff,
and I fell faintin onto the floor. Twenty or thirty Northern
delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uv the gray coat,
with the brass star onto it, rushed to ketch me; and they bore
me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, “Wat a techin scene! overpowered
by his feelins.” “Yes,” sed another: “he deserves a
apintment.”
I didn't go back to the Convention, coz I knowd it wan't no
yoose; and besides, after all the teers that hed been shed, —
the members wringin their handkerchers onto the floor, — it
wuz sloppy under foot. Conciliation and tenderness gushed
out uv em. I knowd it would be all right; it couldn't be otherwise.
There wuz bonds wich held the members together, and
prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin a
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ambition to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northern
delegashun — wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists —
couldn't do nothin without the Democracy North; and both on
em combined couldn't do nothin without the Democracy South.
The President cood depend on the Democracy North, coz he
holds the offices; the Democracy North cood depend on the
President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cood
depend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a
fight agin a Ablishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly
keepin uv em out, and preventin em from wollopin their
niggers; the Democracy South cood depend on the President,
coz he must hev their Representatives in their seats to beat
the Ablishnists in Congris, — all cood depend on all, each cood
depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe,
hed its little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without
the others to turn the grind-stone.
The Southern delegates, some uv em, wuznt so well pleased.
“What in thunder,” sed one uv em, “did they mean by pilin on
the agony over the Yanks we killed? by pledgin us to give up
the ijee uv seceshen, and by pledgin on us to pay the Nashnel
Yankee debt?”
“'Sh!” sed I; “easy over the rough places. My friend,
they didn't mean it; or, ef they did, we didn't. Is a oath so
hard to break? Wood it trouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge,
after all the times he swore to support the Constitution,
to sware to it wunst more? and wood it trouble him to break
it any more than it did in '61? Nay, verily. Dismiss them
gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz kicked out; but a thousand
mules, and all uv em old and experienced, cooden't kick him out
uv our service. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it's a habit
he's got into doorin the war; but he'll git over it. Raymond
will be on our side this year, certain, for last year he was agin
us; and by the time he is ready to turn agin, he'll be worn to
so small a pint that he won't be worth hevin; and the Democrisy
uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef they wuzzent, the
offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw em like lode stun.
“My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who wuz since
killed in a Fenian raid, employed as a artist in well diggin. It
wuz his lot to go to the bottom uv the excavation and load the
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buckets with earth. The dinner horn sounded, and he, with
the alacrity characteristic uv the race, sprang into the bucket,
and told em to hist away; and they histed. But ez they histed,
they amused theirselves a droppin earth onto him. `Shtop!'
sed he; but they didn't. `Shtop!' sed he, `or, be gorra! I'll
cut the rope.' My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward,
and Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell into in 1860.
Their little talk about debts, and slavery, and sich, is the earth
they're droppin onto us for fun; but shel we, like ijeots, cut
the rope? Nary! Let em hist; and when we're safe out,
and on solid ground, we kin, ef we desire, turn and chuck em
into the hole.”
All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for they carried
home with em their commishuns; I, feelin that my Post office
wuz sekoor; for, ef with the show we've got, we can't reëlect
Johnson, the glory uv the Democracy hez departed indeed.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.,
(wich is postmaster.)
eaf635n55* The famous Philadelphia convention, in 1866, was the most gigantic farce
ever played upon the political stage. An old political manager, Randall, engineered
it, and did his best to make it impress the people, but it was an impossibility.
The dead politicians of the twenty years previous seized this opportunity
to air themselves, and their presence was sufficient to kill it. The entrance
of Couch of Massachusetts and Orr of South Carolina, arm-in-arm, was intended
to be a particularly impressive scene, but the people put the proper estimate
upon the claptrap, and laughed where they should have wept! The only
effect of the gathering was a loud guffaw from Maine to the Ohio River. Mr.
Nasby very accurately describes the personnel of the convention.
CXIII. THE GREAT PRESIDENTIAL EXCURSION TO THE TOMB OF DOUGLAS. — FROM WASHINGTON TO DETROIT.
At the Biddle House (wich is in Detroit, Michigan), }
September the 4th, 1866.
*Step by step I am ascendin the ladder uv fame; step by step
I am climbin to a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz
summoned to Washington by that eminently grate and good
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man, Androo Johnson, to attend a consultation ez to the proposed
Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the purpose
uv arousin the masses uv the West to a sense uv the danger
wich wuz threatnin uv em in case they persisted in centralizin
the power uv the Government into the hands uv a Congress,
instid uv diffusin it throughout the hands uv one man, wich is
Johnson. I got there too late to take part in the first uv the
discussion. When I arrove they hed everything settled cepting
the appintment uv a Chaplain for the excursion. The President
insisted upon my fillin that position, but Seward objected.
He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly agin him. “I
am determined,” sez he, “to carry out my policy, but I hev
some bowels left. Beecher hez done enuff already, considerin
the pay he got. No, no! he shel be spared this trip; indeed
he shel.”
“Very good,” said Seward; “but at least find some clergyman
who endorses us without hevin P. M. to his honored name.
It wood look better.”
“I know it wood,” replied Johnson; “but where kin we find
sich a one? I hev swung around the entire circle, and heven't
ez yet seen him. Nasby it must be.”
There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before
the procession started, of removin all the Federal offis-holders
on the proposed route, and appintin men who bleeved in us
(Johnson, Beecher, and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable
recepshun at each pint at wich we wuz to stop. The
Anointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, “Them ez won't support
my policy shan't eat my bread and butter.” Randall and
Doolittle chimed in, for it's got to be a part of their religion to
assent to whatever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I
owe a duty to the party, and I am determined to do it.
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“Most High,” sez I, “a settin hen wich is lazy makes no fuss;
cut its head off, and it flops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln's
office-holders are settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yoor
policy, but while they are on their nests, they will keep moderitly
quiet. Cut off their heads, and they will spurt their blood
in your face. Ez to bein enshoord of a reception at each point,
you need fear nothing. Calkulatin moderately, there are at
least twenty-five or thirty patriots who feel a call for every
offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them offisis
is held just where they kin see em, and they don't know wich
is to git em, yoo may depend upon the entire enthoosiasm uv
each, individually and collectively. In short, ef there's four
offises in a town, and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev
sekoored four supporters; till yoo make the appointments yoo
hev the hundred who expect to get em.”
The President agreed with me that until after the trip the
gullotine shood stop.
Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood improve
my personal appearance, and akkordingly a cirkular wuz sent
to the clerks in the Departments, assessin em for that purpose.
Sich uv em ez refoosed to contribute their quota wuz instantly
dismissed for disloyalty.
At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up in a highly
conciliatory style. Every wun of the civilians uv the party
wore buzzum pins, et settry, wich wuz presented to em by the
Southern delegates to the Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz
made uv the bones uv Federal soldiers wich hed fallen at various
battles. Sum uv em were partiklerly valuable ez anteeks,
hevin bin made from the bones uv the fust soldiers who fell at
Bull Run.
The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I never saw His
Imperial Highness in better spirits, and he delivered his speech
to better advantage than I ever heard him do it before, and I
bleeve I've heard it a hundred times. We left Noo York sadly.
Even now, ez I write, the remembrance uv that perceshun, the
recollection uv that banquet, lingers around me, and the taste
uv them wines is still in my mouth. But we hed to go. We
hed a mishn to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat
and started.
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Albany. — There wuz a immense crowd, but the Czar uv all
the Amerikas didn't get orf his speech here. The Governor
welcomed him, but he welcomed him ez the Cheef Magistrate
uv the nashen, and happened to drop in Lincoln's name. That
struck a chill over the party, and the President got out uv it
ez soon ez possible. Bein reseeved ez Chief Magistrate, and
not ez the great Pacificator, ain't His Eggslency's best holt.
It wuz unkind uv Governor Fenton to do it. If he takes the
papers, he must know that His Mightiness ain't got but one
speech, and he ought to hev made sich a reception ez wood
hev enabled him to hev got it off. We shook the dust off uv
our feet, and left Albany in disgust.
Skenactady. — The people uv this delightful little village
wuz awake when the Imperial train arrived. The changes
hadn't bin made in the offices here, and consekently there wuz
a splendid recepshun. I didn't suppose there wuz so many
patriots along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out by sum one ez
the President's private adviser — a sort uv private Secretary
uv State; and after the train started, I found jest 211 petitions
for the Post Offis in Skenactedy in my side coat pocket, wich
the patriots who hed hurrahed so vocifferously hed dexterously
deposited there. The incident wuz a movin one. “Thank
God!” thought I. “So long ez we hev the post offices to give,
we kin alluz hev a party.” The Sultan swung around the cirkle
wunst here, and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, the
train moved off.
Utica. — The President spoke here with greater warmth,
and jerked more originality than I hed before observed. He
introdoost here the remark that he didn't come to make a
speech; that he wuz goin to shed a tear over the tomb uv
Douglas; that, in swingin around the circle, he hed fought
traitors on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shood leave
the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr wuz wanted, he
wuz ready to die with neetness and dispatch.
Rome. — Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and I never
heard His Majesty speek more felicitously. He menshuned to
the audience that he hed swung around the Southern side uv
the cirkle, and wuz now swingin around the Northern side uv
it, and that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. He left the
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Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye. I received
at this pint only 130 petitions for the post office, wich I took
ez a bad omen for the comin election.
Lockport. — The President is improvin wonderfully. He
rises with the occasion. At this pint he mentioned that he
wuz sot on savin the country wich hed honored him. Ez for
himself, his ambishn wuz more than satisfied. He hed bin
Alderman, Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman, Senator,
Military Governor, Vice-President, and President. He hed
swung around the entire circle uv offises, and all he wanted
now wuz to heal the wounds uv the nashen. He felt safe in
leavin the Constooshn in their hands. Ez he swung around
the cirkle —
At this pint I interrupted him. I told him that he hed swung
around the cirkle wunst in this town, and ez yooseful ez the
phrase wuz, it might spile by too much yoose.
At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water. Here is the
post to which the devil uv Ablishnism is chained, and his chain
is long enough to let him rage over neerly the whole State. I
am pained to state that the President wuzn't treated here with
the respeck due his station. He commenst deliverin his
speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribald laffture. Skasely
hed he got to the pint uv swingin around the cirkle, when a
foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled “Veto!” and another vocifferated
“Noo Orleans!” and another remarked “Memphis!”
and one after another interruption occurred until His Highness
wuz completely turned off the track, and got wild. He forgot
his speech, and struck out crazy, but the starch wuz out uv
him, and he wuz worsted. Grant, wich we hed taken along to
draw the crowds, played dirt on us here, and stepped onto a
boat for Detroit, leavin us only Farragut ez a attraction, who
tried twice to git away ditto, but wuz timely prevented. The
President recovered his ekanimity, and swung around the cirkle
wunst, and leavin the Constooshn in their hands, retired.
At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but one man at
the station. He wuz dressed with a sash over his shoulder,
and wuz wavin a flag with wun hand, firin a saloot with a
revolver with the other, and playin “Hail to the Chief!” on a
mouth organ, all to-wunst.
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“Who are you, my gentle friend?” sez I.
“I'm the newly-appinted Postmaster, sir,” sez he. “I'm a
perceshun a waitin here to do honor to our Cheef Magistrate,
all alone, sir. There wuz twenty Johnsonians in this hamlet,
sir; but when the commishn came for me, the other nineteen
wuz soured, and sed they didn't care a d—n for him nor his
policy, sir. Where is the President?”
Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for this one
man, and leave the Constooshn in his hands, but Seward
checked him.
At Fremont we hed a handsome recepshun, for the offises
hevn't bin changed there, but Toledo didn't do so well. The
crowd didn't cheer Androo much, but when Farragut wuz
trotted out they gave him a rouser, wich wuz anything but
pleasin to the Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen, who bleeves
in bein respected.
Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Democratic city,
the President wuz hisself agin. His speech here wuz wun uv
rare merit. He gathered together in one quiver all the sparklin
arrows he had used from Washington to this point, and shot
em one by one. He swung around the cirkle; he didn't come
to make a speech; he hed bin Alderman uv his native town;
he mite hev been Dicktater, but woodent; and ended with a
poetickal cotashun wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez near ez
I cood understand, wuz, —
“Kum wun, kum all; this rock shel fly
From its firm base — in a pig's eye.”
Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we start onward,
and shel continue swingin around the cirkle till we reach
Chicago.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.
eaf635n56* The famous tour of President Johnson was undertaken ostensibly in response
to an invitation to assist in the ceremony of laying the corner stone of a monument
to the lamented Stephen A. Douglas, but really its object was to strengthen
the Johnson movement. The President believed that his personal presence
would stimulate his followers and overawe the opposition. General Grant and
Admiral Farragut were invited to join the party in such a way as to make a
refusal a very unpleasant matter, and the President, who had a high opinion of
his power before popular audiences, expected to convert the crowds which
were certain to assemble to see these great warriors. The speeches he made on
the trip are scarcely caricatured in the text. It was in this instance, as in the
Philadelphia Convention. The ring of office-holders in each town through
which the party passed, organized a “tribute” to the President, and the people
assembled in masses to do honor to Grant and Farragut, but invariably the
President was greeted with unequivocal tokens of disapprobation. The venture
was a ludicrous failure, and is fairly described in the text.
-- 316 -- p635-345
CXIV. THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR CONTINUED. — FROM DETROIT TO INDIANAPOLIS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 11, 1866.
[figure description] Page 316.[end figure description]
I am at home, and glad am I that I am at home. Here in
Kentucky, surrounded by Dimicrats, immersed a part of the
time in my offishel dooties, and the balance uv the time in
whiskey, with the privilege uv wallopin niggers, and the more
inestimable and soothing privilege uv assistin in mobbin uv
Northern Ablishnists, who are not yet all out uv the State,
time passes pleasantly, and leaves no vain regrets. I alluz go
to bed at nite, feelin that the day hez not bin wasted.
From Detroit the Presidential cavalcade, or ez the infamous
Jacobin Radical party irrevelently term it, the menajery,
proceeded to Chicago. The recepshuns his Imperial Highniss
received through Michigan were flatterin in the extreme. I
continue my diary: —
Ipslanty. — At this pint the President displayed that originality
and fertility uv imaginashun karacteristic uv him. The
recepshun wuz grand. The masses called for Grant, and His
Highness promptly responded. He asked em, ef he wuz Judis
Iskariot who wuz the Saviour? Thad Stevens? If so, then
after swingin around the cirkle, and findin traitors at both
ends of the line, I leeve the thirty-six States with thirty-six
stars onto em in yoor hands, and —
The train wuz off amid loud shouts uv “Grant! Grant!” to
wich the President responded by wavin his hat.
Ann Arbor. — At this pint the train moved in to the inspiring
sounds uv a band playin “Hale to the Cheef.” Vocifrous
cries uv “Grant! Grant!” His Majesty smilinly appeared
and thanked em for the demonstration. It wuz soothin, he
remarked. The air their band wuz playin, “Hail to the Chief,”
wuz appropit, ez he wuz Chief Magistrate uv the nashen, to
wich posishen he hed reached, hevin bin Alderman uv his
native village, U. S. Senator, et settry. The crowd hollered
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[figure description] Page 317.[end figure description]
“Grant! Grant!” and the President thanked em for the
demonstration. It showed him that the people wuz with him
in his efforts to close his eyes on a Union uv thirty-six States
and a flag uv thirty-six stars onto it. Ef I am a traitor, sed he,
warmin up, who is the Judis Iscariot? Ez I'm swingin around
the cirkle, I find Thad Stevens on the one side and Jeff Davis
on the —
The conductor cruelly started the train, without givin him
time to finish. The crowd proposed three cheers for Grant,
and the President waved his hat to em, sayin that he thanked
em, showin as it did that the people wuz with him.
Battle Creek. — A large number was assembled here, who,
ez the train stopped, yelled “Grant! Grant!” Affected to
tears by the warmth uv the reception, the President thanked em
for this mark of confidence. Ef he ever hed any doubts ez to
the people's bein with him, these doubts wuz removed. He
wood leave in their hands the flag and the Union uv thirty-six
States, and the stars thereto appertainin. Ef he wuz a Joodis
Iskariot who wuz —
The crowd gave three hearty cheers for Grant ez the
train moved off, to wich the President responded by wavin
his hat.
Kalamazoo. — The offishels were on hand at this pint, and
so wuz the people — four offishels and several thousand people,
which the latter greeted us with cheers for Grant! Grant!
The President responded, sayin, that in swingin around the
cirkle, he hed bin called Joodis Iskariot for sacrificin uv hisself
for the people! Who wuz the Saviour? Wuz Thad
Stevens? No! Then cleerly into yoor hands I leave the
Constitution uv thirty-six stars with thirty-six States onto
em, intact and undissevered.
The offishels received the Stars and Stripes, and amid cheers
for Grant, for which the President thanked em, the train glode
off magestically.
And so on to Chicago, where we didn't git off our speech,
though from the manner in wich the people hollered Grant!
Grant! we felt cheered at realizin how much they wuz with
us. His eminence wanted to sling the thirty-six States and
the flag with the stars on em, but ez General Logan wuz
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[figure description] Page 318.[end figure description]
there, ready to fling it back, it wuz deemed highly prudent
not to do it.
*Here my trials commenst. At the Biddle House, in Detroit,
the nigger waiters showed how much a Afrikin kin be spiled
by bein free. They hed the impudence to refoose to wait on us,
and for a half hour the imperial stumick wuz forced to fast.
This alarmin manifestation uv negro malignancy alarmed His
Eggsalency. “Thank God!” sed he, “that I vetoed the Freedmen's
Buroo Bill. I hev bin Alderman uv my native town —
I hev swung around the entire cirkle, but this I never dreemed
uv. What would they do if they hed their rites? The incident
made an impression onto him, and at Chicago he resolved to
trust em no longer. He ordered his meals to his room, and sent
for me. “My friend,” sed he, “taste everything onto this table.”
“Why? my liege,” sed I.
“Niggers is cooks,” sed he, “and this food may be pizoned.
They hate me, for I ain't in the Moses bizness. Taste, my
friend.”
“But spozn,” sed I, “that it shood be pizoned? Wat uv my
bowels? My stumick is uv ez much valyoo to me ez yourn is
to yoo.”
“Nasby,” sed he, “taste! Ef yoo die, who mourns? Ef I
die, who'd swing around the cirkle? Who'd sling the flag and
the thirty-six stars at the people, who'd leave the Constooshn
in their hands? The country demands the sacrifice; and
besides, ef yoo don't, off goes yoor offishl head.”
That last appele fetched me. Ruther than risk that offis I'd
chaw striknine, for uv what akkount is a Dimokrat, who hez
wunst tasted the sweets uv place, and is ousted? And from
Chicago on I wuz forced to taste his food and likker — to act
ez a sort uv a litenin-rod to shed off the vengeance uv the
nigger waiters. I wood taste uv every dish and drink from
each bottle, and ef I didn't swell up and bust in fifteen minits
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His serene Highness wood take hold. I suffered several
deaths. I resoom my diary: —
Joliet. — The crowd wuz immense. The peasantry, ez the
train approached, rent the air with shouts uv “Grant!”
“Grant!” His Potency, the President, promptly acknowledged
the compliment. He wuz sacrificin hisself for them —
who hed made greater sacrifices? He hed bin Alderman uv
his native town, and Vice-President; he wuz too modest to
make a speech, but ef he wuz Joodas Iskariot, who wuz the
Saviour? He hed swung around the cirkle, and hedn't found
none so far. He left in their hands the —
And so on, until near St. Louis, when we penetrated a Dimocratic
country, uv wich I informed his Majesty. “How
knowest thou?” sez he. “I observe,” sez I, “in the crowds a
large proportion uv red noses, and hats with the tops off. I
notice the houses unpainted, with pig pens in front ov em;
and what is more, I observe that crowds compliment yoo direct,
instead of doin it, ez heretofore, over Grant's shoulders. The
Knights uv the Golden Cirkle, wich I spect is the identical
cirkle yoo've bin swingin around lately, love yoo and approach
yoo confidently.”
The President brisked up, and from this to Indianapolis he
spoke with a flooidity I never observed in him before. I may
say, to yoose a medikle term, that he had a hemorrhage uv
words. At the latter city our reception was the most flatrin
uv eny we hev experienced. The people, when the President
appeared on the balcony uv the Bates House, yelled so vociferously
for Grant, that the President, when he stepped forward
to acknowledge the compliment, coodent be heard at all. He
waved his hat; and the more he waved it the more complimentary
the crowd became. “Grant!” “Grant!” they yelled;
and the more the President showed himself the more they yelled
Grant, until, overpowered by the warmth uv the recepshun,
and unwilling to expose his health, the President retired without
slingin a speech at em, but entirely satisfied that the people
wuz with him.
The next mornin the office-holders uv the State, without the
people, assembled, and he made his regler speech to em, wich
appeared to be gratifyin to both him and them. The President
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[figure description] Page 320.[end figure description]
does not like to sleep with a undelivered speech on his mental
stumick. It gives him the nitemare.
Here I left the party, for a short time, that I mite go home
and attend to my official dooties. There is five Northern
families near the Corners wich must hev notice to leave, and
eight niggers to hang. I hed orders to report to the party
somewhere between Looisville and Harrisburgh, wich I shall
do, ez, travelin by order, I get mileage and sich.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.
eaf635n57* At Detroit the colored voters refused to serve the President. At Indianapolis
his reception was anything but flattering. The excitable people were
wrought up to the pitch of replying to him in terms anything but complimentary,
and the meeting broke up in disorder. The office-holders made amends,
however, for they assembled the next morning, and he made his speech to
them.
CXV. THE END OF THE PRESIDENTIAL TOUR. — FROM LOUISVILLE TO WASHINGTON.
White House, Washington, D. C., }
September 12, '66.
*I rejined the Presidenshel party at Looisville, and glad I am
that I did it at that pint. His Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased
ever sence he left Chicago, or rather sence he got near St.
Loois, for two thirds uv Illinois wuz pizen, and Indianapolis
wuz pizener. From St. Loois the recepshuns wuz trooly corjel
and even enthoosiastic. We got out uv the region uv aristocrats,
and hed come down to the hard-fisted yomanry. I seed
holes thro the hats uv men; I seed wat mite be called the flag
uv Democrisy wavin from behind em, which, ez they genrally
either had no coats at all, or if any, they were roundabouts,
wuz alluz in view. I saw wimen who disdained stockins and
dipped snuff, and I felt to home. I wuz among Democracy.
The cheerin for Grant and Farragut closed ez we got into
them regions, and uv the vociferous crowds half uv em, the
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[figure description] Page 321.[end figure description]
younger ones, cheered Andrew Johnson, while the old veterans,
them whose noses wuz blossomin for the tomb, cheered for
Andrew Jackson. His Serenity smilinly acknowledged both,
by makin a speech to em, and wavin his hat.
With these preliminary remarks I resoom my diary: —
Louisville. — There wuz a magnificent demonstration here.
His Imperial Majesty, who wuz in a eggslent condition to make
crowds large enough, remarked to me as we wuz ridin through
the streets, “'Splen 'splay! 'Mor'n ten 'unerd sousand people—
mor'n ten million people — mor'n ten 'unerd million people—
mor'n ten 'unerd sousand million people — and alluvum
'sporters my policy. 'Rah for me!”
His Majesty ondoubtedly eggsagerated towards the last;
but it is safe to put the throng down at a good many. That
estimate is entirely safe. There wuz the finest display uv
banners and sich I hev seen since we startid. The red, white
and red wuz displayed from almost half the houses, ladies
waved their handkerchiefs ez we passed, and men cheered. A
pleasin incident occurd here. I noticed one gushin maiden uv
thirty-seven wavin her handkercher ez tho she wuz gettin so
much per wave, and had rent to pay that nite. I recognized
her to-wunst. When I wuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted
into the service uv the United States, and clothed in a bobtailed
blue coat, and hed a Oystran muskit put into my unwillin
hands, and forced to fite agin my brethren, our regiment passed
thro Looisville and stayed there some days. I wuz walkin one
afternoon, when I met this identical angel. She saw my bloo
kote, and enraged, spit in my face with sich energy that she
threw out uv her mouth a full sett uv false teeth. I returned
em gallantly, wiped my face with my handkercher, and vowed
that handkercher shood henceforth be kept sacred. It wuz;
and when I seed her wavin hern at our party, I wept like a
Philadelphia Convenshen. I stopped the carriage, met the
patriotic female, called her attention to the incident, and
handed her my handkercher which hed, four years before,
wiped her spittle. The incident gave new vigor to her arms,
and from that time she waved two handerchers, and mine wuz
one uv em. I narrated the incident to the President, and
he wept.
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[figure description] Page 322.[end figure description]
There wuz a large perceshen and a great variety of banners.
Among the most noticeable, wuz a company uv solgers uv the
late war, each with a leg off, dressed in the gray uniforms into
wich they hed bin mustered out, with this motto: “We are
willin to go the other leg for A. Johnson.” Another company
uv solgers, who hed each lost an arm, carried this inscription:
“What we didn't get by bullets, we shel get by ballots.”
The President cut down his speech jest one half here. In
swingin around the cirkle he omitted to menshen that he found
traitors on the Southern side uv it. But he left the constooshn
in their hands cheerfully.
Cincinnati. — A very enthoosiastic recepshun — continyood
and loud cheers for Grant, wich the President acknowledged.
A unsophisticated Postmaster, who jined us here, wanted to
know why the people cheered for Grant instid uv the President,
to wich His Highness answered that they wuz considrit — they
knew his modesty, and wanted to spare his blushes. Another
man, who wuz also unsophisticated, asked him, confidenshelly,
ef he didn't think there wuz a samenis in his speeches, and
that ef he didn't think he'd do better to give a greater variety.
His Eggslency asked him how there cood be more variety.
“At Cincinnati,” sed he, “I observed the followin order: —
“1. I swung around the cirkle; 2. I asked who wuz the
Saviour ef I wuz Joodis Iskariot? 3. I left the Constitooshn,
the thirty-six States, and the flag with thirty-six stars onto it,
in their hands.
“Now, at Columbus, I shel vary it thusly: —
“1. The Constitooshn, flag, and stars. 2. The Joodis Iskariot
biznis. 3. Swingin around the cirkle.
“At Stoobenville, agin, ez follows: —
“1. Joodis Iskariot; 2. Swingin around the cirkle; 3. Constitooshn,
flag, and stars.
“And so on. It's susceptible uv many changes. I thot uv
that when I writ that speech, and divided it up into sections
on purpose.”
Johnstown, Pa. — A bridge fell down, onto wich wuz four
hundred voters, killin a dozen uv em. His Eggslency felt
releeved when heerin uv the axident, at bein asshoored that
there wuzn't wun uv his supporters on the bridge. He
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[figure description] Page 323.[end figure description]
considered it a speshl Providence. The condukter overheerd the
remark, and answered, that ef any uv his supporters wuz
killed in that seckshun they'd have to import wun for the
purpose.
Mifflin, Pa. — A enthoosiastic indivijjle who wants the Post
Office at this place very much, fell on the President's neck, and
wept, hailin him ez the “Preserver uv the Union.” The President
thanked him for this spontaneous triboot, and left in his
hands the Constitooshun, the flag, and the appintment he
desired.
Baltimore. — There wuz a spontaneous recepshun here,
wich wuz gratifying to us. The perceshun wuz immense, and
the mottoes expressive. One division wuz headed by the
identikle indivijooel who fired the first shot at the Massachusetts
men in 1861. He is a ardent supporter uv President
Johnson's policy. One flag wuz capchered from a Injeany
regiment at the first Bull Run, at wich the President wept.
“Things is becomin normal,” sed he, “when the people will
stand that. Wat love! — wat unity! The flags uv both secshuns,
wich was lately borne by foes, now minglin in the same
proceshun, and all uv em cheerin ME.”
At last we arrived at Washinton, hevin swung entirely round
the cirkle, and found traitors North and South. The demonstrashen
to greet the President on his arrival wuz immense.
The clerks in all the departments wuz out (at least them ez
wuzn't will wish they hed bin, ez their names wuz all taken),
the solgers on duty wuz ordered out, and altogether it wuz
the most spontaneous exhibition I ever witnest. The Mayor
made a speech. The President asked if he wuz Joodis Iscariot
who wuz the Saviour — told him he had swung around the
entire cirkle, and hed found traitors on all sides uv it, though
sence he left Cleveland, Chicago, and Indianapolis he wuz
satisfied there wuz the heft uv them in the North; but be this
ez it may, he left the Constooshn, and the thirty-six States, and
the flag with thirty-six stars onto it, in his hands. He had bin
Alderman uv his native village, and Congressman, and United
States Senator, and Vice-President, and President, wich latter
circumstance he considered forchinit, but wuz, after all, an
Humble Indivij'le. He didn't feel his oats much, and wood do
-- 324 -- p635-353
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his dooty agin traitors North, ez well as agin his misguided
friends South. So ended the Presidential excursion.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.
P. S. I forgot to menshun that at Chicago we laid the
corner-stone uv a monument to Douglas. The occurence hed
entirely slipped my memory.
P. V. N.
eaf635n58* The President's longing for a hearty reception was gratified at Louisville.
The people of that city hurrahed for no one else. In that city Grant and
Farragut were ignored.
CXVI. AT HOME AGAIN. — A DETAILED ACCOUNT OF SOUL-HARROWING OUTRAGES INFLICTED UPON THE PEOPLE OF CONFEDERATE × ROADS BY A PARTY OF FREEDMEN, AND HOW THE INSULT WAS WIPED OUT.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 16, 1866.
I found my flock in a terrible state uv depression, at which,
when I was told the cause, I didn't wonder at. There wuz,
back uv the Corners, over towards Garrettstown, about three
quarters uv a mile this side of Abbott's grocery (we estimate
distance here from one grocery to another), five or six families
uv niggers. The males of this settlement had all been in the
the Federal army ez soljers, and hed saved their pay, and
bounty, and sich, and hed bought uv a disgustid Confederate,
who proposed to find in Mexico that freedom which was denied
him here, and who, bein determined to leave the country, didn't
care who he sold his plantashen to, so ez he got greenbax,
three hundred acres, wich they hed divided up, and built
cabins onto em, and wuz a cultivatin it. There wuz a store-keeper
at the Corners who come here from Illinoy, and who
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hed been so greedy uv gain and so graspin ez to buy their
prodoose uv em, and sell em sich supplies ez they needed.
These accursed sons and daughters uv Ham wuz a livin there
in comfort. The thing wuz a gittin unendoorable. They
come to the Corners dressed in clothes without patches, and
white shirts, and hats on; and the females in dresses, and
hoops under em; in short, these apes hed assoomed so much uv
the style uv people that ef it hadn't bin for their black faces,
they wood have passed for folks.
Our people become indignant, and ez soon ez I returned, I
was requested to call a meetin to consider the matter, which I
uv course did.
The horn wuz tootid, and the entire Corners wuz assembled,
excepting the Illinoy store-keeper, who didn't attend to us
much. I stated briefly and elokently (I hev improved in public
speakin sense I heered His Serene Highness, Androo the I., all
the way from Washinton to Looisville), and asked the brethren
to ease their mind.
Squire Gavitt hed observed the progress uv them niggers
with the most profoundest alarm. He hed noticed em coming
to the Corners, dressed better than his family dressed, and
sellin the produx uv their land to that wretch —
At this point the Illinoy store-keeper come in, and the Squire
proceeded.
— he shood say Mr. Pollock, and he hed made inquiries, and
found that one family hed sold three hundred and seventy-five
dollars worth uv truck, this season, uv which they hed laid out
for clothes and books two hundred dollars, leavin em one hundred
and seventy-five dollars in cash, which was more money
than he had made sense the accursed Linkin passed the
emancipashen proclamation. And what hed driv the iron into
his soul wuz the fact that wun uv them niggers wuz his nigger.
“The money they hev,” pursood the Squire, “is MY MONEY;
that man worth $1500 is my man; his wife is my woman; her
children my children —”
“That's a literal fact!” shouted Joe Bigler, a drunken, returned
Confederate sojer; “they hev yoor nose exactly, and
they're the meanest yaller brats in the settlement.”
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This unhappy remark endid in a slite unpleasantness, wich
resulted in the Squire's bein carried out, minus one ear, and
his nose smashed. Joseph remarked that he'd wantid to git at
him ever sense he woodn't lend him a half dollar two months
ago. He was now satisfied, and hoped this little episode
woodn't mar the harmony uv the meetin.
Elder Smathers observed that he hed noticed with pain that
them niggers alluz hed money, and wuz alluz dresst well, while
we, their sooperiors, hed no money, and nothin to boast uv in
the way uv close. He wood say —
Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, put in. Ef the Elder wood
work ez them niggers wuz workin, and not loaf over half the
time at Bascom's grocery, he mite possibly hev a hull soot uv
close, and now and then a dollar in money. It wuz here, ez it
wuz in all strikly Dimekratic communities, the grocery keepers
absorb all the floatin capital, and —
He wuz not allowed to proceed. Bascom flung a chair at
him, and four or five uv his constitooents fell on him. He wuz
carried out for dead. Bascom remarked that he wuz for the
utmost freedom uv speech, but in the discussion uv a great
Constooshnel question, no Illinoy Ablishnist shood put in his
yawp. The patriotic remark wuz cheered, but when Bascom
ask't the whole meetin out to drink, the applause wuz uproarious.
Bascom alluz gets applause; he knows how to move an
audience.
Deekin Pogram sed he'd bore with them niggers till his
patience wuz gin out. He endoored it till last Sunday. After
service he felt pensive, ruther, and walked out towards Garrettstown,
meditatin, as he went, on the sermon he hed listened
to that mornin on the necessity uv the spread of the Gospil.
Mournin in sperit over the condition of the heathen, he didn't
notis where he wuz till he found hisself in the nigger settlement,
and in front uv one uv their houses. There he saw a
site wich paralyzed him. There wuz a nigger, wich wuz wunst
his nigger, — wich Linkin deprived him uv, — settin under his
porch, and a profanin the Holy Bible by teachin his child to
read it! “Kin this be endoored?” the Deekin asked.
Deekin Parkins sed he must bear his unworthy testimony
-- 327 --
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agin these disturbers. They hed — he knowd whereof he
spoke — hired a female woman from Massachusetts to teach
their children! He hed bin in their skool-room, and with his
own eyes witnest it.
Bascom, the grocery keeper, hed bin shocked at their
conduct. He wuz convinct that a nigger wuz a beast. They
come to the Corners to sell the produx of their lands; do they
leave their money at his bar? Nary! They spend sum uv it
at the store uv a disorganizer from Illinoy, who is here interferin
with the biznis uv troo Southern men, but he hed never
seed one uv em inside his door. He hed no pashence with
em, and believed suthin shood be done to rid the community
uv sich yooseless inhabitance. Ef they ever git votes they'r
agin us. No man who dodges my bar ever votes straight
Dimocrisy.
Ginral Punt moved that this meetin do to-wunst proceed to
the settlement, and clean em out. They wuz a reproach to
Kentucky. Of course, ez they were heathens and savages,
sich goods ez they hed wood fall to the righteous, uv whom we
wuz which, and he insisted upon a fair divide. All he wanted
wuz a bureau and a set uv chairs he hed seen.
The motion wuz amendid to inclood Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper,
and it wuz to-wunst acted upon.
Pollock wuz reconstructed first. Filled with zeal for the
right, his door wuz bustid in, and in a jiffy the goods wich he
wuz a contaminatin our people with wuz distributed among
the people, each takin sich ez sooted em. Wun man sejested
that ez they wuz made by Yankees, and brought South by
Yankees, there wuz contaminashen in the touch uv em, and
that they be burned, but he wuz hooted down, our people
seein a distinction. The contaminashen wuz in payin for em;
gittin em gratooitusly took the cuss off.
Elated, the crowd started for the settlement. I never saw
more zeal manifested. A half hour brought us there, and then
a scene ensood wich filled me with joy onspeekable. The niggers
wuz routed out, and their goods wuz bundled after em.
The Bibles and skool books wuz destroyed first, coz we hed no
use for em; their chairs, tables, and bureaus, clothin and
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beddin, wuz distributed. A woman hed the impudence to beg for
suthin she fancied, when the righteous zeal uv my next door
neighbor, Pettus, biled over, and he struck her. Her husband,
forgettin his color, struck Pettus, and the outrage wuz completed.
A nigger hed raised his hand agin a white man!
The insulted Caucashen blood riz, and in less than a minnit
the bodies uv six male Ethiopians wuz a danglin in the air, and
the bodies uv six Ethiopian wimin wuz layin prostrate on the
earth. The children wuz spared, for they wuz still young, and
not hevin bin taught to read so far that they cood not forgit it,
ef kept carefully from books, they kin be brought up in their
proper speer, ez servance to their brethern. (By the way, the
inspired writer must hev yoosed this word “brethern,” in this
connection, figeratively. The nigger, bein a beast, cannot be
our brother.) Some may censure us for too much zeal in this
matter, but what else cood we hev done? We are high toned,
and can't stand everything. These niggers hed no rite to
irritate us by their presence. They knowd our feelins on the
subjick, and by buyin land and remainin in the vicinity, they
kindled the flame wich resulted ez it did. Ez they did in
Memphis and Noo Orleans, they brought their fate onto their
own heads.
Pollock recovered, and with the Yankee school marm who
wuz a teechin the niggers, left for the North yisterday.
It speeks well for the forbearance uv our people that they
wuz permitted to depart at all.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn.
-- 329 -- p635-358
CXVII. IS REQUESTED TO ACT AS CHAPLAIN OF THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION. — THAT BEAUTIFUL CITY VISITED FOR THAT PURPOSE.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 20, 1866.
[figure description] Page 329.[end figure description]
*I wuz sent for to come to Washington, from my comfortable
quarters at the Post Offis, to attend the convenshun uv sich
soldiers and sailors uv the United States ez bleeve in a Union
uv thirty-six States, and who hev sworn allegiance to a flag
with thirty-six stars onto it, at Cleveland. My esteemed and
life-long friend and co-laborer, Rev. Henry Ward Beecher,
wuz to hev bin the chaplin uv the convenshun, but he failed
us, and it wuz decided in a cabinet meetin that I shood take
his place. I didn't see the necessity uv hevin a chaplin at
every little convenshun uv our party, and so stated; but
Seward remarked, with a groan, that ef ever there wuz a
party, since parties wuz invented, wich needed prayin for, ours
wuz that party. “And, Parson,” sed he, glancin at a list uv
delegates, “ef yoo hev any agonizin petitions, any prayers uv
extra fervency, offer em up for these fellers. Ef there is any
efficacy in prayer, it's my honest, unbiased opinion that there
never wuz in the history uv the world, nor never will be agin,
sich a magnificent chance to make it manifest. Try yoorself
particularly on Custer; tho', after all,” continyood he, in a
musin, abstracted sort uv a way, wich he's fallen into lately,
“the fellow is sich a triflin bein, that he reely kin hardly be
held 'sponsible for what he's doin; and the balance uv em,
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good Hevens! they'r mostly druv to it by hunger.” And the
Secretary maundered on suthin about “sixty days” and
“ninety days,” paying no more attention to the rest uv us
than ez ef we wuzn't there at all.
So, receevin transportashen and sufficient money from the
secret service fund for expenses, I departed for Cleveland, and
after a tejus trip thro' an Ablishn country, I arrived there.
My thots were gloomy beyond expression. I hed recently
gone through this same country ez chaplin to the Presidential
tour, and every stashen hed its pecooliar onpleasant remembrances.
Here wuz where the cheers for Grant were vociferous,
with nary a snort for His Eggslency; there wuz where
the peasantry laft in his face when he went thro' with the
regler ritooal uv presentin the constitooshn and the flag uv
thirty-six stars onto it to a deestrick assessor; there wuz —
but why recount my sufferins? Why harrow up the public
bosom, or lasserate the public mind? Suffice to say, I endoored
it; suffice to say that I hed strength left to ride up
Bank Street, in Cleveland, the scene uv the most awful insult
the Executive ever receeved.
The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz on hand,
held a informal meetin to arrange matters so ez they wood
work smooth when the crowd finally got together. Genral
Wool wuz ez gay and frisky ez though he reely belonged to the
last ginerashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan, with his hair
freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez though he hed
cheated hisself into the beleef that he reely amounted to
suthin; and there wuz seventy-eight other men, who hed distinguished
theirselves in the late war, but who hed never got
their deserts, ceptin by brevet, owin to the fact that the
Administrashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't. They were,
in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for wear, tho'
why that shood hev bin the case I coodent see (they hevin bin,
to an alarmin extent, quartermasters and commissaries, and in
the recrootin service), til I notist the prevailin color uv their
noses, and heerd one uv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland wuz
blest with a faro bank! Then I knowd all about it.
There wuz another pekooliarity about it which for a time
amused me. Them ez wuz present wuz divided into two
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[figure description] Page 331.[end figure description]
classes — those ez hed bin recently appinted to posishens, and
them ez expected to be shortly. I notist on the countenances
uv the first class a look uv releef, sich ez I hev seen in
factories Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid off for a hard
week's work; and on the other class the most wolfish, hungry,
fierce expression I hev ever witnessed. Likewise, I notist
that the latter set uv patriots talked more hefty uv the
necessity uv sustainin the policy uv our firm and noble President,
and damned the Ablishnists with more emphasis and
fervency than the others.
One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster two
years, and hed bin allowed to resign, “jest after the battle,
mother,” wich, hevin his papers all destroyed, made settlin
with the government a easy matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt
called upon to check him. “Gently, my frend,” sed I,
“gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev my commission.
It broke out on me jest ez it hez on yoo; but yoo won't git
yoor Assessorship a minnit sooner for it.”
“It ain't a Assessorship I want,” sez he. “I hev devoted
myself to the task uv bindin up the wounds uv my beloved
country —”
“Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin them sed
wounds?” murmured I.
“And ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village, —
which I hev bin solicited so strongly to take that I hev finally
yielded, — I do it only that I may devote my few remainin
energies wholly to the great cause uv restorin the thirty-six
States to their normal posishens under the flag with thirty-six
stars onto it, in spite uv the Joodis Iskariots which, ef I am
whom, wat is the Saviour, and — and where is —”
Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into the middle
uv a quotashen from the speech uv our noble and patriotic
President, and knowin his intellek wuzn't hefty enough to git
it off jist as it wuz originally delivered, I took him by the
throat, and shet off the flood uv his elokence.
“Be quiet, yoo idiot!” remarked I, soothingly, to him.
“Yoo'll git your apintment, becoz, for the fust time in the
history uv this or any other Republic, there's a market for jist
sich men ez yoo; but all this blather won't fetch it a minit
sooner.”
-- 332 --
[figure description] Page 332.[end figure description]
“Good Lord!” tho't I, ez I turned away, “wat a President
A. J. is, to hev to buy up sich cattle! Wat a postmaster he
must be, whose gineral cussedness turns my stummick!”
It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz compozed;
whereupon Kernel K—, who is now Collector uv Revenue in
Illinoy, asked ef there wuz ary man in the room who hed bin
a prizner doorin the late fratricidle struggle. A gentleman
uv, perhaps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed bin taken
three times, and wuz, altogether, eighteen months in doorance
vile, in three different prizns.
Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, agitatidly, ef he wuz
shoor — quite shoor, after sufferin all that, that he supported the
policy uv the President? Are you quite shoor — quite shoor?
“I am,” returned the phenomenon. “I stand by Andrew
Johnson and his policy, and I don't want no office!!”
“Hev yoo got wun?” shouted they all in korus.
“Nary!” sed he. “With me it is a matter uv principle!”
“Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?” asked I, lookin at
him with wonder.
“Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas, and finally at
Johnson's Island!”
Custar dropped him, and the rest remarked that, while they
hed a very healthy opinion uv him, they guessed he'd better
not menshen his presence, or consider hisself a delegate. Ez
ginerous foes they loved him ruther better than a brother; yet,
as the call didn't quite inclood him, tho' there wuz a delightful
oneness between em, yet ef 'twuz all the same, he hed better
not announce hisself. He wuz from Kentucky, I afterwards
ascertained.
The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more arriv; and
the delegashens bein all in, it wuz decided to go on with the
show. A big tent hed bin brought on from Boston to accommodate
the expected crowd, and quite an animated discussion
arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz to
ockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun. Genral Wool
wuz made temporary Chairman, to wich honor he responded
in a elokent extemporaneous speech, which he read from
manuscript. General Ewing made another extemporaneous
address, which he read from manuscript, and we adjourned
for dinner.
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-- 333 -- p635-364
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The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv
the parlors uv the hotel. The Chairman asked who shood
make speeches after dinner, wen every man uv em pulled from
his right side coat pocket a roll uv manuscript, and sed he hed
jotted down a few ijees wich he hed conclooded to present
extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel over, the
Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected to
prepare a address; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled
a roll uv manuscript from his left side coat pocket, and sed he
hed jotted down a few ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed
to present, et settry. This occasioned another shindy; wen
the Chairman remarked “Resolushens,” wen every delegate
rose, pulled a roll uv manuscript from his right breast coat
pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, &c.
I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the
expedition West, when the pressure becum unendurable.
They sposed I wuz keeper uv the President's conscience, and
I hed not a minit's peace after that. In vain I ashoored em
that, there bein no consciences about the White House, no one
could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em that I hed no
influence with His Majesty. Two thirds uv em pulled applicashens
for places they wanted from the left breast coat pocket,
and insisted on my takin em, and seein that they wuz appinted.
I told em that I cood do nuthin for em; but they laft me to
skorn. “You are jist the style uv man,” said they, “who hez
inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must do it.” Hemmed
in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way I took.
Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate
(I took it to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to
the depot, and startid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland
may be taken as a sample, the less His Majesty depends on
soljers, the better.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn.
P. S. I opened the carpet sack on the train, spectin to find
a clean shirt in it, at least. It contained, to my disgust, an
address to be read before the Cleveland Convention, a set uv
-- 334 -- p635-365
[figure description] Page 334.[end figure description]
resolutions, a speech, and a petition uv the proprietor thereof
for a collectorship, signed by eight hundred names, and a copy
uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864. The names wuz in
one hand-writin, and wuz arranged alphabetically.
eaf635n59* The President desired particularly the indorsement of the soldiers, and to that
end a convention of officers of the war of the rebellion was called at Cleveland,
Ohio. It was a failure quite as ludicrous as any of its predecessors. The
officers who participated were, with a few exceptions, those who had left the
service under a cloud, or those who desired position. General Wool, then in
his dotage, was induced to preside. Custar, who, above all things, desired the
colonelcy of a cavalry regiment, which he afterwards got, lent his name to it,
and so on, ad nauseam. Like every movement made by the President, this convention
was the cause of a laugh from one end of the country to the other.
CXVIII. AN APPEAL TO THE PEOPLE JUST BEFORE THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads, }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
October 1, 1866.
President Johnson, who hez bin likened to Androo Jaxson,
and wich, since my appintment I conseed him to be, in many
partikelers, his sooperior, requested me and William H. Seward
(his secretary and chaplin) to draw up and publish to the Democracy
of the various States holdin elecshuns this fall an address,
or ruther an appeal, firmly beleevin that hed he extendid
his tour to Maine, and isshood an address to em, that that
State wood not hev gone ez it did. William refoozed to take
part in the appeal, sayin that it warnt uv no use, and so the
dooty devolved upon me.
Democrats and Conservatives uv the North:
Appresheatin the gravity uv the isshoo, I address yoo. The
signs uv the times is ominus. A Radikle Congress, electid
durin the time when the Southin States, wich comprises reely
all the intellek uv this people, didn't take no part in the elekshen,
bein too bizzy gettin out uv Sherman's way to open polls,—
a Congress, I repeat, in which there ain't no Southern man,
and wich consekently kant, by any stretch uv the human
imaginashen, be considered Constitooshnel, hez dared to thwart
the President uv the United States, and set up its will agin
hisn! I need skarcely recount its high-handed acts uv usurpashen.
It passed a bill givin rites to niggers, wich, accordin to
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[figure description] Page 335.[end figure description]
Scripter (see Onesimus, Ham, and Hagar, the only three texts
in Scripter uv any partikeler account) and the usages uv the
Democrisy, ain't got no rites; and the President, exercisin the
high prerogatives put into his hands by the Constitooshen,
vetoed it. Here the matter shood hev endid. He hed expressed,
in a manner strikly Constitooshenel, his objecshens to
the measure; and a proper regard for his feelins, and just
deference for his opinions, ought to hev indicated the right
course. Here wuz peace offered this Congress. Here wuz
the tender uv a olive branch. The President didn't want a
quarrel with Congres; he didn't desire a continuance uv the
agitation wich hed shook the country like a Illinois ager; but
he desired Peece. Congres cood hev hed it hed they only
withdrawed their crood noshens uv what wuz rite and what
wuz wrong; ratified, ez they shood hev done, sich laws ez the
President saw fit to make: in short, hed they followed the
correct rool when we hev a Demokratic President, and put the
Government in his hands, with an abidin trust in his rectitood
and wisdom, we mite hev avoided this struggle, and thus wood
hev bin peaceful. But this reckless Congris, bent upon concentrating
power in its hands instid uv dividin it between him
and Seward, passed the bill over his head, regardlis uv his
feelins! The responsibility for the dissension rests, therefore,
with Congres.
But these questions are altogether too hefty for the Demokratic
intellek, and I fling em out for the considerashen uv
the few Post Masters we got from the Union ranks. To the
Dimocrisy I address myself more partickerlerly.
Do you want to Marry a Nigger? This ishoo is agin
before yoo. Are you in favor uv elevatin the Afrikin to a
posishen where he kin be yoor ekal, or perhaps yoor sooperior?
That ishoo is agin before yoo for yoor decision, only the danger
to yoo is increased. The matter has become threatening; for,
disgise it ez we may, thousands uv em kin read, and they are
accumulatin property, and wearin good clothes to a extent
trooly alarmin to the Dimokratic mind. We hev alluz consoled
ourselves with the soothin reflection that there wuz a race
lower down in the scale uv humanity than us uns. Shall we
continue to enjoy that comfort? That's the question for every
-- 336 --
[figure description] Page 336.[end figure description]
Dimokrat to consider when he votes this fall. Remove the
weight uv legal disability, and ten to one ef they don't outstrip
US even, and then where are we goin to look for a race to look
down upon? It's a close thing atween us now; and ez we uv
this generation can't elevate ourselves, why, for our own peace
uv mind, we must, — I repeet it, — MUST pull them down.
Agin then I repeet, Do you want to Marry a Nigger?
Yoor daughters wunst carried banners onto wich wuz inskribed
that trooly Dimokratic motto, “White husbands or none!” and
in consequence they've bin mostly livin in the enjoyment uv
none. Are they to go back on that holy determinashen to
preserve the Anglo Sackson race on this continent in its
purity? Do yoo want the nigger — the big buck nigger —
the flat-footed nigger — the woolly-headed nigger — the long-heeled
nigger — the bow-legged nigger — the Nigger — to step
up aside uv yoo, and exercise the prerogatives uv freemen in
this country? Do you want the nigger aforesed to be mayors
uv your towns, with all the hatred they hev towards us? Wat
chance, O Dimokratic dweller in cities! think yoo yoo'd hev if
hauled up afore a nigger mayor on a charge uv disorderly conduct?
Wat chance wood yoor children hev in a skool uv wich
all the teechers wuz niggers? Wat chance wood yoo hev wen
arrestid for small misdemeanors, afore nigger judges? How,
let me ask, in the name uv High Heaven, wood yoo like to be
tried for hoss stealin afore a nigger jury?
“But,” say some uv yoo, who, set ravin by drums, and flags,
and sich, went off violently into the war, and wuz, perhaps,
saved from starvin by niggers, “these niggers wuz our friends
in the late war — they fought agin the South!”
O, wat a deloosion! O, wat blindnis! Troo, they did; and
that shows the danger that's afore us; that lifts the fog from
the precipice onto wich we are standin, and shows us our
danger. Wat does this fact prove? It proves the onreasonableness
uv the Nigger — his discontentednis with the posishen
to wich nacher assigned him, and his cussid disposition to
upset the normel condition. The Bible makes him a servant
unto his brethren (see Ham, Hagar, and Onesimus, three
blessed texts). Science proves him to be, not a man, but a
beast; and so, take him ez we may, either ez our brother or ez
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a beast, — and Dimocrisy, with that liberality wich hez always
distinguished it, gives every man his choice wich theory to
take, — his condition is servitood. But he, with a cussidness,
a perversity wich I never cood understand, flies into the face
uv the Divine decree, flies into the face uv science, and asserts
his independence! He turned agin them ez hed fostered him;
turned agin, in many instances, his own parents (in these
instances, for convenience, the parents adopted the brethren
theory), and for an abstract idea fought agin em. That restlessness
under bonds alarmed the Dimocratic mind. We who
owned em under the Skripter (see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham),
and under the eternal laws uv scientific trooth, wuz content
with the arrangement, and why shood they not hev bin?
Things wuz normal. They worked, and we eat; and ef they
hed bin content with this ekitable division uv the labor uv life,
all wood hev bin smooth to-day.
Their takin part agin us at the South, and in favor uv the
Federals, is, instead uv a coz uv feelin good toward em, a
source uv oneasiness; instid uv bein a reason for elevatin uv
em, it's my principal reason for depressin uv em. Sich
onsettled minds shood be quieted; this itchin to raise theirselves
shood be crushed out uv em, that Science and Holy
Writ (see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham) may be vindicated.
Shel we desert Androo Johnson, after all the trouble he hez
bin to in gettin back to us? Shel we elect a Congres this fall
so soaked in Ablishin — so filled with objeckshuns to our
Southern brethren, ez to refooze to receive em back into the
seats which they vacated? Consider! The Southern Dimokracy
hevn't, and don't, lay up nothin agin yoo. They are
willin to forgive and forget. They failed, but they are willin
to forgiv the cause uv the failyoor. They hevn't got the government
they wanted, but they find no fault with that, but are
willin to take charge of the wun they hev bin compelled to
live under. Kin they offer fairer? The fate uv war wuz
agin em. Buryin all hard feelins, they extend to us Chrischen
charity, and say, Here we are — take us — give us our old
places. They hev bin chastened. Their household gods hev
bin destroyed, and their temples torn down. Wun neighbor
uv mine lost two sons in the Confedrit army; another son,
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which he hed refoosed $1500 for in 1860, he wuz compelled to
shoot, coz he wuz bound to run away into the Federal army;
and two octoroons, which he hed a dozen times refoosed $2500
for, each, in Noo Orleans, he saw layin dead on the steps uv a
skool house in Memphis. Hez he suffered nothin? And yet
he is willin to take a seat in Congress — forgettin all he hez
suffered, and forgivin the cause thereof. What wickedness it
is wich would further bruise sich a broken reed!
Therefore, ez yoo love yourselves and hate the nigger, I implore
yoo to act. Take yoor choice uv the platforms uv the
different States — vote ez a Johnson Unionist, or ez a Democratic
Johnsonian — but vote.
Kentucky holds out her hands appealingly! Kentucky implores
yoo to build up a bulwark North uv the Ohio River to
save what little is left uv pure Dimocracy there! Kentucky
will back yoo in yoor endeavors. Will you heed her cry?
Shel she appeel in vain? Forbid it, Hevin!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CXIX. THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS. — THE EFFECT THE RESULT PRODUCED IN KENTUCKY.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
October 14, 1866.
*There is mournin in Kentucky. The results of the elections
in Ohio, Injeany, Pennsylvany, and Iowa reached me
yesterday through a Louisville paper, wich wuz dropped off
the cars at Secessionville, wich is the nearest station to us, and
wich, I hapnin to be there, I picked up.
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-- --
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-- 339 --
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Ohio — 40,000 Ablishin! Injeany — 20,000 Ablishin! Pennsylvany—
20,000 Ablishin! Iowa — 30,000 Ablishin!
Ablishin! Wat a dreery waste uv Ablishin! Not a single
oasis uv Dimocrisy anywhere, — nary Aryrat on wich our ark
kin rest in safety, — but all around us the mad waves uv Ablishnism
rearin their crested heads muchly.
I felt it my dooty to make this fact known to my neighbors;
for, sposin that His Serene Highness' trip wood secure us enuff
deestricts to make the next Congress safe, and consekently
make us certin uv admission, they hed been makin arrangements
for restorin things to their normal condishun, ez they
were before the war.
In fact, two weeks before, in view of the expected success
uv the Democracy, a meetin hed bin held on the subject. Some
wuz for at once seezin the niggers wherever they cood be
found, and puttin em at work; but the conservatives overruled
this. They held that slavery hed bin abolished, and that it
ought not to be restored; in fact, that, to act in good faith, it
cood not be reëstablished. Deekin Pogram announced a plan.
The town authorities shood pass a ordinance for the proper
government uv the niggers. Their good and ourn demanded
it. For instance, they shood not be permitted to be out after
7 o'clock, P. M., in the evenin; they shoodent leave the plantation
onto wich they wuz employed; they shood work every
day till 7; and to do away with the pernicious work uv the
Freedmen's Bureau, no man and wife wich hed bin married by
a chaplin uv the Bureau, or by any one else, shood be employed
on the same plantashen, and also no father or mother and child.
Sich ez violated these ordinances shood be arrested by anybody,
and fined; and in default uv payment uv the fine and
costs, shood be sold to the person who wood take his or her
labor for the shortest number uv years, and pay the fine and
costs aforesed. “Ez a conservative,” sed the Deekin, “I sejest
this plan.”
“Do yoo want to know my definition uv the word `conservative'?”
sed Joe Bigler, a returned Confederate soljer, who, I
bleeve, hez seen enuff uv war. “It's a man who goes a roundabout
way to do a devlish mean thing. Deekin, why can't yoo
go to the devil by a straight road, ez I do?”
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The interupshen uv the demoralized wretch wuzn't notist;
and ez the trustees uv the township wuz all present, the ordinance
wuz passed, and that night two thirds uv the niggers
within five miles uv the Corners wuz arrested and sold, and
within two weeks every one hed bin capcherd.
I hied me to the Corners, and the first man I saw was Bascom,
the grocery keeper, engaged in the congenial biznis uv
tappin a barrel uv contentment, wich he hed just receeved. I
wuz a goin to tell him the dread intelligence, when he caught
site uv me. “Taste that, Parson,” sed he, holdin out a tin
dipper full. I drank it off, and one look at him onmand me.
“Kin I o'ercloud that smilin cheek?” thot I, ez, in a fit uv
absent-mindednis, — wich I bev every now and then, — I held
out the empty dipper to be filled agin, wich it wuz. “No! for
a time he shel be spared;” and I borrered his mule, and rode
away pensively.
I wuz goin fust to Deekin Pogram's, for he wuz the most
interested uv eny in the settlement. After the meetin mentioned
above, the Deekin hed caused the arrest uv sich niggers
ez he cood ketch, and had had em fined in sums uv $275 and
uppards, wich bein unable, ez a rool, to pay the fine, he hed
kindly bid em in.
He hed picked up, here and there, all uv his old servants,
ceptin those which hed bin killed in the army, and the few misguided
ones wich hed made their way North, and that mornin
the plantashen wuz to be reconstructed upon the old patriarkle
system. Mrs. Deekin Pogram wuz marshellin four uv the likeliest
wenches I ever saw in the kitchen; his son Tom wuz
chuckin a yaller girl under the chin, wich hed bin born on the
place about eighteen years before, and wich, owin to a unfortunate
resemblance to the Deekin, hed caused a onpleasantnis
between him and his wife, wich ended in the loss uv the most
uv his hair, and the sellin uv the girl's mother to Noo Orleans.
The two girls hed each their waitin-maids, and wuz a puttin
them through their paces. There hed bin some trouble in
gittin em reconstructed, it bein deemed necessary to take the
conseet out uv em, wich they wuz all a doin. Ez I rode up,
the old lady hed jest knocked one uv em down with a fire-shovel,
and wuz dancin a Highland fling onto her prostrate
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body. Almira, the oldest gal, hed her fingers in the wool uv
her gal; and tother one wuz a thumpin hern to redose her to
her proper level; and the Deekin hisself wuz a deelin with one
ongrateful wretch, who objected to bein put to work on them
terms, not realizin that the Bureau was gone. Ez the Deekin
hed a revolver he yielded the pint, and submitted to be flogged,
wich the Deekin wuz doin ez neatly ez I ever saw, considerin
he hed bin out uv practis four years. He had him tied up to
a tree, and wuz a wollopin uv him gorjus. While he wuz a
convinsin uv him with his whip that there wuz trooth in the
Skripter, and that Ham wuz reely a servant unto his brethrin,
I exclaimed, “Stop!” and immejitly whispered the appallin
news in his left ear (tother one hed bin chawed off in a misunderstandin
at Bascom's the previous Sunday nite, after servis).
Never shel I forgit the look uv woe on that eminent Christian's
face. The whip fell from his nerveless hand; and with teers
streemin down his cheeks, washin up little streaks uv dirt in
the most heart-rendin manner, he gasped in a husky voice to
the wife uv his buzzum, “Cut him down, Mirandy! The North's
gone Ablishin, and the d—d niggers will be free anyhow!” and
the old patriarch swooned away at my feet.
And sich an expression of anguish ez distorted the face uv
the Deekin's wife I hope never to see agin. Droppin the
shovel, she stood ez one petrified, with her foot elevated in mid
air, ez in the act uv stompin, and uttering a shreek wich methinks
I hear ringing in my ears yet, she fell precisely ez she
stood, with her leg crooked ez ef 'twuz froze there. Tom
released the gal he wuz subdooin, and mountin his horse rode
off to the Corners without saying a word; and unable to witness
the distress uv that stricken family, I made haste to mount
my mule and go too; while the niggers, feelin that they were
wunst more their own men and women, scattered in every
direction.
“Sich is the froots uv Radikelism,” murmured I. “Sich is
the bitter cup fanaticism hez put to our lips;” and castin one
lingering look at the prostrate forms uv the Deekin, his wife
(with her foot insensibly raised), and their two gushin daughters,
I spurred the mule, and departed.
Wood that every Ablishnist in the North hed seen that site,
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and wuz possessed uv a sole to appreshiate it! Then would
they vote differently.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n60* The overwhelming defeat of the Johnson party in the North was a crushing
blow to the people of the South, who had hoped that through him slavery would,
in some form, be restored.
CXX. THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS. — MR. NASBY'S OPINION ON THE CAUSE OF THE DEFEAT OF THE PRESIDENT.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
October 14, 1866.
I wuz called in haste to Washington to be present at a Cabinet
meetin called to consider the causes uv the onparalleled
loosenin uv the Nashnel Union Johnson Dimekratic party in
the various States wich held elections on the 9th uv October
last. There wuz Seward, Wells, McCulloch, and Randall present;
but we missed Raymond and Beecher, they hevin, I
understand, played off onto us.
The President wuz gloomy. He hedn't anticipated the defeat.
He spected that, hevin showd hisself through all the
Northern States, ther ought to hev ben enthoosiasm enough
evolved to hev carried em without trouble. The fault, he remarked,
coodent be with his policy. Ther wuz suthin so grand,
so sublimely simple in it, that it wuz incomprehensible to him
why the people hedn't at once adopted it. “Why, look at it,”
sed he. “I offer the people uv the North peace, on the simple
condishn uv sayin nothin more about the war, or the mutual
trouble which they found theirselves into, and rushin into the
arms uv their Southern brethren, and takin uv em back jist ez
they went out. How, O! how cood they be so blind ez to
refoose these olive branches?”
Randall replied that he coodent understand it; but he hed
summoned a Postmaster to attend, wich he hed appinted on his
solemn asshoorance that he cood carry enough Republicans
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over to our new party to defeat the Union member in that District,
wich he notist by the papers wuz elected by a larger
majority than he hed ever reseeved, and he wuz in waitin.
“Bring in the wretch!” shouted the President; and the
guard brung him in. A mizable lookin objick he wuz. Ez
soon ez he saw the stern eye uv the President fixed on him, he
sunk to his knees, and lifted up his hands implorinly, without
sayin a word.
“Speak!” sed the President. “Why the result in yoor
Deestrict?”
“My liege,” replied the wretched man, “I know not. Faithfully
I labored; but the people wood come into the halls a
holdin their noses, and set a holdin uv em so long ez I wuz
speekin, wich wuzn't conducive to displays of oratory. The
papers wood publish my own utterances six months before,
wich confused me somewhat; and the ablishnists would read
at me yoor speeches, wich I coodent account for. I seekoored
for yoo suthin like a dozen votes; but they wuz them ez stipulated
for places under me, and I hed hard work to git em from
the Union party, and they wuz sich ez did us more harm than
good. And besides —”
“Enuff!” sed Johnson. “Remove him.”
And the poor fellow wuz bundled out.
Secretary Welles knowd wat wuz the matter. It come uv
takin Grant and Farrygut along on the excursion. It distracted
the attention uv the people. Hed there bin nobody but the
President and the Cabinet along, there woodent hev bin nobody
else to hurrah for, and the sublime trooths, wich the President
kin only jerk, wood hev impressed the people more than
they did.
Seward wuz confident that the election wood hev bin all right
cood it hev bin postponed ninety days; while McCulloch attribooted
it to the limited knowledge the masses hed uv Injeany
bankin.
I wuz rekested to give my views, wich I did.
“My lords,” sed I, “none uv you hev got the ijee. We wuz
beat because we left the landmarks — that's wat ailed us, wuz
the anshent landmarks. Wat hed we to go into this canvass
with? Democrisy? Not any; for that wuz squelched at
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Philadelphia. Wat then? Why, the offises. Offises, in the abstract,
is good. That little one which I hold in Kentucky I
coodent be indoost to part with on no account; but yoo can't
run a party on em, because there ain't enough uv em.
“My liege, on my return from the Philadelphia Convention I
tarried a while in Berks county, which is in Pennsylvania, and
is distinguished for the unanimity with which they vote Democracy.
They learned down there mor'n six weeks ago that the
war wuz over, and therefore yoo coodent stir em up on drafts.
Taxes they had got used to, and that didn't move em; and so
the speakers wuz emptyin school-houses by talkin uv the results
uv a glorious war, wich they all opposed, and praisin our mutual
friend Seward, wich they had alluz hated as a Ablishnist, and
hedn't heerd yet that he had jined the Demokracy. Wuz it
any wonder that we went under? Ther ain't but one thing
left to us, and that we strangely neglected. My liege, why
wuz not the Nigger made the central figger this year, ez before?
They is the capital uv the Democrisy, its refuge, its
tower of strength. I spoke in Berks county myself, following
one of them new-fangled Democrats, who hed set em all asleep
talkin stuff to em that they didn't understand. Mountin the
rostrum, I ejaculated, —
“Men and Brethren, do yoo want to marry a Nigger?”
“`No! no!' they answered, straightenin up to-wunst.
“`Do you want niggers for sons-in-law?'
“`No! no!'
“`Do you want laws to prevent you from marryin niggers?'
“`Yes! yes!'
“`Do you want to be marched up to the polls by those who
tell you how to vote, beside a nigger?'
“`No! no!'
“`Then vote the Demekratic ticket.' And they all replied, —
“`We will! we will!' and they did. You see, your Exslency,
the Dimekratic mind isn't hefty enough to comprehend
them fine arguments ez to constitootinality, et setry; and when
a speaker deals in em, they suspect his Dimocrisy, and fight
shy uv him. But nigger they kin all understand. It's soothin
to the Dimekratic mind to be continyooally told that there is
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somebody lower down in the skale. They desire a inferior
race, and therefore hev bin pullin the nigger down toward em
for years. Did yoo not notis whenever we went it on the nigger
we succeeded in awakenin an enthoosiasm, wich, when we
neglected him, or selected other issues, we failed to get?
“It's based upon philosophical trooths. The poorer and
meaner a man is, the more anxious he is to hev it understood
that there's somebody still poorer and meaner than him.
Hence, you notis, that them individooals who see a five cent
peese so seldom ez to not know its nacher, and who keep the
flag of distress wavin from the seat uv their pants, — who, ef
niggers wuz sellin at a cent a peese, coodent raise enough to
buy the toe nail uv one, — is the most ardent friends uv
Slavery.
“That pitiful man wich jest left the presence wuz not to
blame for the result in his Deestrick. He tried to earn his
bread; but wat cood he do? The Ablishnists knowd he wuz
bought with a price, and laffed at him. The Democrisy, sich
ez voted, we'd hev got anyhow. Them ez didn't vote, nor do
nothin, wuz the upper class, wich expected the offises themselves,
and wuz disgusted accordinly.
“My liege, I hev spoke. Yoo can't do nothin with a new
party; for yoo kin only git the Dimocrisy to jine it, and they
won't do it onless the offises is throwd in. Yoo can't run the
Dimocrisy on only one issue, and that's the nigger; for it's all
they kin understand. So long ez the nigger exists, Dimocrisy
endoors; when the race becomes extinct, the party dies. The
two is indissolubly bound together; one wuz created for tother,
and tother for one. When Noah cust Ham he laid the foundashens
uv Dimocrisy. Ham wuz turned into a nigger because
Noah got intoxicated. His misfortune originated with wine;
and whisky, wich is the modern substitoot therefor, bein the
motive power uv Dimocrisy, hez bin persekutin him ever since.
I attriboot the decline uv the Dimocrisy to the bleachin out uv
the Afrikin, and that's why I oppose amalgamashen. Yoo can't
hate a mulatter only half ez much ez yoo kin a full-blood; and
it will be observed that the intensity uv Demokricy has decreased
precisely in proportion to the scarcity uv pure blacks.
Thus Demokrisy is committin suicide; it hez bin the means uv
its own destruction.
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“I don't know ez there's eny yoose uv talkin. The Congressmen
elected this fall continyoo in offis, my liege, jist precisely
ez long ez yoo do, to a day, and by that time they'll hev
it all fixed. Noo York may change in our favor, but I think
not. The break commenst in Maine, and it increased as it
progressed. We're gone in. The Ablishnist laughs in glee,
and the nigger shows all his ivories. We shel hold our places
two years, and then farewell to our greatness.
“I pity yoo, my lord; but I can't help yoo. Ez for myself, I
kin save enuff out uv my Post Offis to start a grocery at the
expiration uv my term, and then farewell politics. In that
pleasant callin I'll flote down the stream uv Time, until Death
closes the polls, and ends the struggle. I hev sed.”
The Conference ended with this: for they wuz all too much
affected to say anything. Seward murmured suthin about it
would be all rite in sixty days; that there wuz no denyin that
the people wuz happy; but no one paid any attention to him.
I went home, leavin em all in tears.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CXXI. “WILL YOU HAVE ANDREW JOHNSON PRESIDENT OR KING?” — A DREAM, IN WHICH ANDREW JOHNSON FIGURES AS A KING, SURROUNDED BY HIS NOBLES.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
October 24, 1866.
Dreams is only vouchsafed to persons uv a imaginative and
speritooal nacher, uv whom I am which. Ther ain't anything
gross or sensual about me that I know uv. Troo I eat pork,
but that is to offset the effex uv whisky, wich, ef twasn't
counteracted, wood make me entirely too ethereal for this
grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my exuberant
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imaginashun, and enable me to come down to the dry detail uv offish'l
life — to fit me for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a
Postmaster. Whiskey lifts me above the posishun — pork
brings me back agin. It's fat and greasy, like the pay and
perquisites uv the Postmaster — it comes from the most nasty,
senseless, and unclean uv animals, like our commishuns — in
short, I recommend all uv Johnson's Postmasters to eat pork.
It's ther nateral diet.
Last nite I partook uv a pound or so too much, and ez a
consekence, didn't sleep well. While I wuz eatin (moistnin
my lips with Looisville consolation the while), I wuz a musin
onto Seward's question, whether they wood hev Johnson President
or King, and while musin I fell into the arms uv Morfus.
My mind bust loose from the body and sored. Ez I sunk to
slumber, the narrow room, wich is at wunst my offis and dormitory,
widened and enlarged, the humble chairs become suddenly
upholstered in gorgus style, the taller dip become multiplied
into thousands uv gorgus chandileers, the portraits uv His
Highness the President, and the other Democrats on the wall,
became alive. I comprehended the situation to-wunst. Androo
Johnson had cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy's
sword, and hed carried out his Policy to its nateral concloosion.
He was King, and wuz reignin under the title uv
Androo the I., and I wuz (in my dream uv course) in his
kingly halls.
It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High Mightiness
wuz a sittin onto a elevated throne, covered with red velvet,
and studded with diamonds, and pearls, and onyxs, and other
precious stones — onto his head wuz a crown, and he wuz
enveloped into a robe uv black velvet, his nose and the balance
uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from a thunder
cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the throne, doin the offis
uv a footstool, wuz Charles Summer, wunst Senator, wich wuz
typikle uv the complete triumph we hed won over our enemies;
while doin other menial offices about the halls, wuz Wade,
Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman, and others who hed opposed the
change from a Republic to a Kingdom. They wuz clothed in
a approprit costoom, knee breeches and sich, and presented a
pekoolyerly imposin appearance.
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Carriages containin the nobility began to arrive, and ez they
entered, the Grand High Lord Chamberlin uv the Palis, the
Markis von Randall, announct em. “Dook de Davis!” was
ejackelatid, and Jeffson entered. “Earl von Toombs,” “Sir
Joseph E. Johnston,” “Markis de Boregard,” “Count de
Pollard,” and so forth.
Noticin that the titles I hed heerd wuz mostly tacked to
Southern men, I asked Giddy Wells, who wuz standin by, why
it wuz thus, and he sed that Northerners wuzn't reely fit for it.
We wuz, he said, a low, grovlin race, and coodent adapt ourselves
to the habits uv nobility. The South wuz chivelrus,
and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments and sich —
they hed got accustomed to cirkus clothes, and cood wear a
sword without its gettin awkwardly between the legs. Northern
men, sich ez were faithful, wuz allowed to bask in the
smiles uv royalty, but it wuz in sich positions ez sooted their
capacity. He, for instance, hed charge uv the royal poultry
yard, a position which he bleved he filled to the entire satisfaction
uv his beloved and royal master. He hed now four hens
a settin, each on four eggs, and he hoped in the course uv two
years, ef there wuz no adverse circumstances, to hev fresh
eggs for the royal table. It wuz a position uv great responsibility,
and one wich weighed upon him. Seward wuz privy
counsler, Doolittle wuz steward uv the household, and Thurlow
Weed wuz Keeper uv the King's revenue, and wuz a doin very
well indeed.
By this time the company assembled. His Highness wuz in
a merry mood, and unbendid hisself. Ther wuz a knot uv the
nobility gathered in a corner, and after a earnest interview uv
a minnit, Count Von Cowan advanced to the foot uv the throne,
and on bendid knee demanded a boon.
“What, my faithful servitor, dost thou most desire?” sed
His Highness.
“We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv state brot
into the presence, that we may make merry over em.”
“It shel be done,” sed His Majesty, and forthwith Baron von
Steedman, who hed command uv the King's Household Body
Guard, wuz sent for them. In a moment they wuz brot in.
They wuz a mizable lookin set. Forney and Wendell Phillips
-- 349 --
[figure description] Page 349.[end figure description]
wuz chained together, Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson, Dick
Yates and Governor Morton, Ben Butler and Carl Shurz, Kelly
and Covode, while Chase wuz tied to Horis Greely, onto whose
back wuz a placard, inscribed, “The last uv the Tribunes;” at
wich Raymond, who left the Radikles and declared for the
empire at precisely the rite time, and wuz now editor of
the Court Journal, laffed immodritly. Some one exclaimed,
“Bring in Thad Stevens!” at wich His Majesty turned pale,
and his knees smote together. “Don't, don't!” sez he; “he's
strength enuff left to wag his tongue. Keep him away! keep
him away!” and he showed ez much fear ez men do in delirum
tremens when they see snakes.
Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things wuz workin
satisfactory. General Grant wuz in exile, and General Sheridan
hed bin decapitatid for refoosin to acquiesce in the new
arrangement. The country hed bin divided into dookdoms and
earldoms, and sich, over wich the nobility rooled with undispooted
authority. The principal men uv the North hed been
capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fillin menial positions in the
palaces uv the nobility. No Lord or Dook or Earl considered
himself well served onless he hed a half dozen Northern Congressmen
in his house, while the higher grade uv nobility
wuzn't content with anythin less than Guvners. The indebtedness
uv the South to the North hed bin adjustid. A decree
hed bin ishood to the effect that Northern merchants who
shood press a claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and
his goods confistikated. The question uv slavery hed bin
settled forever, for the Democratic ijee uv one class to serve
and one class to be served wuz fully establisht. There wuz
now three classes uv society, the hereditary nobility, the
untitled officials, and the people; the latter, black and white,
wuz all serfs, and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all done
by foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to make the
native born people purely agricultural peasantry. The nobility,
desirin to make it easy for em, giv em one sixth uv the produx
uv the soil, reservin the balance for their own uses.
My dream didn't continyoo long enuff for me to ascertain
whether I wuz a nobleman or not, but I am uv the opinion that
I wuz, for a servant, handin me a pin to stick into General
-- 350 -- p635-383
[figure description] Page 350.[end figure description]
Butler to make him roar for the amoozement of the company,
addressed me ez “Yoor Grace,” from which I inferred that I
wuz one of the Lords spiritooal. Unfortunitly at this pint I
awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The gorjus halls hed vanished,
the chandeleers hed vanished, the robes uv stait and
jewels and sich wuz gone, and I wuz in my offis, not “Yoor
Grace,” but merely a Postmaster in a Kentucky village!
Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a nobleman? He don't
work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is troo; but I hev wat
soots me better — whisky fresh from the still. Yet my dream
may be realized, and ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position
with credit. Who knows?
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CXXII. A CABINET MEETING. — LETTERS FROM REV. HENRY WARD BEECHER, GENERAL CUSTAR, HENRY J. RAYMOND, AND HON. JOHN MORRISSEY, EACH ANXIOUS TO PRESERVE HIS REPUTATION. — A SAD TIME AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
November 7, 1866.
*I wuz called to Washington by our patron Saint, the President,
to comfort his wounded sperit. There ain't no disguisin
the fact, — the sperit of Androo Johnson is wounded. He hez
endoored the slings and arrers uv more outrajus fortune than
any other man who hez lived sence the days uv Hamlit; more,
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[figure description] Page 351.[end figure description]
indeed, than Hamlit endoored, twict over. Hamlit's father wuz
pizoned, and his mother married agin afore her mournin clothes
wuz wore out — suthin no savin, prudent woman would do;
but what wuz that to wat A. Johnson endoors every day?
Nothin.
The cabinet meetin to wich I wuz summoned wuz called for
the purpose uv sheddin a tear or two over the election returns,
and to consider a variety uv letters wich His Eggscellency hed
receeved within a few days. I may remark that the cabinet
hed a gloomy and mildewed look.
The fust wuz from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Mr. Beecher
remarked that he had the highest possible respeck for the offis
wunst held by the good Washington, the great Adams, and the
sainted Linkin. He omitted remarkin anythin about Peerce
and Bookanan, out uv regard for the feelins uv the present
incumbent, wich, ef he hed read History correct, wuz a ardent
supporter uv the Administrashens uv both uv them men, wich
he considered stains upon the pages uv American history wich
he cood wish mite be obliterated. But wat he desired to say
wuz, that he hed a higher regard for the good opinion uv mankind
in general than he hed for the good opinion uv the accidental
incumbent uv any offis; and ez he hed, in a hour uv
temporary mental aberrashen, wich hed happily passed, endorsed
the Administrashen, wich insanity hed worked evil unto him,
he rekested, ez a simple act uv justice, that the President shood
cause it to be known that he (Beecher) wuz not considered by
the Administrashen ez a supporter thereof.
“I do this,” sed the writer, “becoz the impression that I am
in the confidence uv yoor Eggslency, wich is onfortunately
abroad, hez seriously DAMAGED MY REPUTASHEN.
“Trooly yoors,” et settry.
The readin uv this letter wuz follered by a minit uv profound
silence, wich wuz broken by the President.
“Let him pass,” sed the great man who hez the dispensin
uv the post offisis, “let him pass. But here is another,” sed
he, bustin into teers; “read that.”
It wuz from Gen. Custar, him uv the yaller hair, wich hed
some reputashen doorin the war ez a cavalry commander. It
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[figure description] Page 352.[end figure description]
wuz to the same effect. He hed, when he sposed that the
policy uv the President, wich he esteemed ez he must any man
who held the exalted position wunst okkepied by the good
Washington, the great Jefferson, and the sainted Linkin —
“The ongrateful dog doesn't respect ME!” sed Androo; “it's
the offis I fill;” and he bust into a fresh flood.
— When he spozed the President's policy wuz sich ez a soljer
and patriot cood endorse, he endorsed it. But he diskivered
that it led him, back foremost, into company wich, doorin the
late war, he hed alluz visited face foremost and on hossback;
and therefore, to SAVE HIS REPUTASHUN, he must beg that the
President wood give it out that he (Gen. Custar) wuz not, nor
never hed bin, a supporter uv his policy, and oblige
Yoors trooly, ez before.
I wuz too hart-broken at this to make any reply, and Cowan
and Doolittle wuz in the same fix. The Kernelcy wich wuz
given to Custar to keep him in posishen, hed bin promised to a
Demokratic captin, who wuz led by a company in the first Bull
Run fight, and who threw up in disgust the next day, not likin
the manner in wich the war wuz bein conducted; but now the
Kernelcy wuz gone, and Custar too; and wat wuz worse, there
wuz no sich thing to be thot uv ez dismissin him. The entire
company united in minglin their teers.
The next letter wuz read by Seward, ez it wuz addressed to
him. It wuz from Raymond. He opened with the remark that
for the Presidential office he hed the highest respeck. Aside
from the considerashen that it hed bin wunst okkepied by the
good Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin, the
President mite be considered the Father of his country, hevin
so large a number of helpless children to provide for; and
besides, he hed a instinctive respeck for the dispenser of anything.
It wuz difficult for him, bein a open and simple-minded
man, not to adhere to the President; but —
“Good Heavens!” shreeked Johnson, “that little fox ain't a
goin to speak uv HIS reputashen!”
“Dooty requires the reedin uv the entire dockeyment, painful
to my feelins ez it may be,” sed Seward. “He concloods
thusly —
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[figure description] Page 353.[end figure description]
“`I am forced to ask you, ez one enjoyin confidenshel relations
with Him who occupies the Presidenshel chair, to hev it
given out that I stand in opposition to him. A doo REGARD
FOR MY REPUTASHEN impels me to this course. I remain
“`Yoors Trooly.'”
There wuz two or three more. Gen. Carey, uv Ohio, requested
the President to remove him from his Collectorship, ez
the holdin uv it wuz INJOORIN HIS REPUTASHEN. A editor out
West, who wuz sedooced into takin a Post Offis, begged to hev
it taken off his hands, that he might save his circulashen before
it wuz everlastinly too late. And finally we come to wun, the
seal uv wich wuz a coat-uv-arms — bull dog rampant, bowieknife
couchant, supported by trottin horses, on a field uv green
cloth. It wuz from Hon. John Morrissey, who hed jest ben
elected to Congress in Noo York.
Mr. Morrisey remarked that, ez one uv the pillars uv the
Democrasy, he felt he hed a rite to speek. He wished it to be
understood that he washed his hands uv any connection with
Johnson or his party. He hed seed a lite. In States where
the Democrasy, uv wich he wuz a piller, hed tied themselves
to Johnson, they hed gone down to a prematoor grave. Respeck
for the high offis restrained him from sayin that the
Democrasy coodent carry sich a cussid load; but he wood say
that the result uv the election in Noo York, where they depended
solely on muscle and nigger, wich is the reel Democratic
capital, and succeeded, while where the Democrasy wuz loaded
down with Johnsonism, they failed, satisfied him that the President
wuz a inkubus. He sed this with all doo respeck for the
offis. Mr. Morrissey further remarked that he hed also personel
reasons for makin this request. He commenced in a humble
position, and hed filled the public eye long enuff to satisfy his
modist ambishen. He hed walloped Sullivan and Heenan; he
hed owned the fastest horses, and won more money at faro than
any man in Amerika. His ambishen wuz satisfied, so fur ez he
wuz concerned; but he hoped to leave behind him, for his
infant son (wich wuz only twelve years uv age, and wich hed
a development uv intelleck and muscle remarkable for one so
tender, hevin already walloped every boy in the skool to wich
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[figure description] Page 354.[end figure description]
he wuz a goin), he desired to leave that son a honorable name.
It hed bin given out that he wuz a supporter uv the individooal
who okkepied the Presidenshel offis, and it wuz injoorin him.
He wished that stigma removed. A regard for his reputashen
forced him to insist upon it.
And this epistle wuz dooly signed,
his
John × Morrissey, M. C.
mark.
There wuz silence in the Cabinet. This last stroke intensified
the gloom wich hed settled onto the Government; and ez I
turned my tear-bedewed eyes, I saw the great drops coursin
down the cheeks uv every one present. Mr. Seward retired
without sayin anythin about ninety days, and one by one they
all departed.
It wuz a solemn time. There wuz other letters yet to be
read, but no one hed the heart to open em. I made a move in
that direckshun, but Androo prevented me. “I'm sick,” murmured
he, in a husky voice, which showed that his hart wuz
peerced. “Help me to bed.” I saw the great man bury his
intellectool head beneath the snowy kivrin uv his oneasy couch,
all but the nose, which in him is the thermometer uv the sole,
and which accordingly glowed, not with the usual brilliant hue,
but with a dull, dead, and ghastly bloo. Noticin the convulsive
heavins uv the kivers, which betrayed the agitashen uv the
breast beneath, I whispered in his ear, ez I handed him his nite
drink uv rye whisky flavored with bourbon, that he hed one
hold, ez Delaware hed sustained him. A flush uv satisfaction
passed over his nose, but it subsided in an instant. “Troo,”
gasped he, “it's ourn now; but before the next election a
couple uv them Massachusits ablishnists will buy the cussid
State, and re-people it to soot em;” and he gave a convulsive
gasp, and sank into a troubled slumber.
It wuz a tetchin occasion.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n61* After the October elections had settled the fate of the Johnson party, there
was a terrible scattering of his forces. Many Republicans, who had secured
the places they coveted, made haste to find more respectable political quarters,
and those who had failed, of course deserted him. The Democracy having discovered
that he had no strength that they could use, left him in a body, and
returned to their old camp. He was a sinking ship, and the political rats all
deserted him.
-- 355 -- p635-388
CXXIII. A SERMON UPON THE NOVEMBER ELECTIONS, FROM THE TEXT, “NO MAN PUTTETH NEW WINE INTO OLD BOTTLES, ” WITH A DIGRESSION OR TWO.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
November 16, 1866.
[figure description] Page 355.[end figure description]
When the news uv the result of the Illinoy election reached
the Corners, there wuz a feelin uv oneasiness wich was trooly
affectin; but when the crushin intelligence arove that Hoffman
wuz beeten in Noo York, there wuz a prostration wich wuz
only ekalled when the intelligence of Lee's surrender reached
us. We expected defeat in Illinoy, and some of the other
States, but we hed hopes that Noo York wood go Dimocratic,
that His Eggslency mite hev some show uv backin by the people,
and consekently some excoose for continyooin to enforce
his policy. But that hope wuz taken from us, and uv the entire
populashen, I wuz the only one who hed suffishent stamina to
preserve the semblance uv cheerfulness, and that wuz only on
akkount uv my hevin the Post Offis. Elections can't take that
from me: it is a rock wich the waves uv popler indignashen
can't wash away, thank the Lord! for ef they cood, how many
uv us wood to-day be holdin our places? Still, I felt overwhelmed,
and sorrowfully I entered Bascom's. There, with
their heads bowed in sorrer, and tears flowin from their venerable
eyes, sot Deekin Pogram, Elder Slathers, and a few others
of the Saints, who, ez I entered, mekanikally rose, and stood
afore the bar; mekanikally Bascom, who wuz likewise bowed
down with grief, sot out the invigorator; mekanikally we dosed
ourselves, and still in a daze, mekanikally I moved out without
payin, Bascom bein too full uv sorrer to notis it.
It wuz deemed proper, in a view uv the great calamity, that
services shood be held in the church, and at 2 P. M. — wich
with us mite be said to mean post mortem — we slowly and
sadly filed in, the only smilin countenance in site bein that uv
a nigger at the door, who wuz to-wunst beltid over the head
for lookin happy.
-- 356 --
[figure description] Page 356.[end figure description]
I gave out the hymn, —
“Broad is the road wich leeds to death,” —
and it wuz sung with tetchin pathos. After the weepin hed
subsided, and I got my feelings calmed down so ez to permit
me to speek, I commenst explainin to em the causes uv the
result. It wuz, I sed, a chastenin sent onto us for our sins; a
stripin becoz we hed exalted our horn in our pride; that,
gloryin in the possession uv the post offices, the collectorships,
the assessorships, and sich, we hed become vainglorious and
puffed up, and careless in performance uv dooties. Ther wuz
niggers in Kentucky a goin about free, and impiously settin at
naught the decrees uv Providence, wich condemned em to be
servants uv their brethren; and here I digressed to eloocydate
a pint. I hed seen stricters in a Boston paper onto the common
practice uv amalgamashen in the South, wich paper held up
the practis to the condemnashen uv pious men. “My brethren,”
sed I, “them Boston Ablishnists hev no cleer understandin
uv the Skripter. When Ham wuz cust by Noar, wat wuz that
cuss? `He shel be a servant unto his brethren.' Not unto
strangers; not unto the Philistine, or the Girgeshite, or the
Millerite, but unto his brethren! How cood he be servant
unto his brethren except thro amalgamashen? Onless we
amalgamated with em, how wood the male niggers be our brethren?
O, my brethren! we wuz obliged to do these things,
that the Skripters mite be fulfilled; and to the credit uv the
Southern people, be it sed, that they never shrunk from the
performance uv that dooty. The per cent. uv yeller niggers
in this State attests how faithful Kentucky hez bin.”
But to resoom. We hev sinned in permittin skools to come
in, and unfit em for their normal and skriptural condishen; but
these is not all. My brethren, go to Esq. McGavitt's, and get
the township Bible, and search till yoo find this yer text: —
“And no man putteth new wine into old bottles, else the new wine doth bust
the bottles, and the wine is spilled.”
My brethren, wich is the bottles? The Dimocrisey, uv
course; and the most uv em may be considered old ones. We
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[figure description] Page 357.[end figure description]
hev actid as bottles, carrying about flooids — not percisely
wine, but the modern substitoot therefor — from our earliest
infancy. Wich is new wine? The Ablishnists wich follered
Johnson, uv course. New wine is frothy; so wuz they. New
wine fizzes; so did they. New wine hez strength for a minnit;
so hed they. New wine is unreliable; so wuz they. At Philadelphy
the puttin uv this new wine into old bottles wuz accomplished;
at that accursed place anshent Dimocrisy, wich beleeves
in Ham and Hagar, met and fell onto the necks uv
Seward and Doolittle, wich invented Ablishnism, and we mingled
our teers together; the new wine wuz put into the venerable
old bottle uv Dimocrisy, and notwithstandin we hooped it with
Federal patronage, it busted, and great wuz the bust thereof;
and the fragments uv the bottles wuz prone onto the earth, and
the new wine is runnin round permiscus. So wuz the Skripter
fulfilled.
And, my brethren, while yoo are at the Squire's huntin up
that text, keep on till yoo find another, to wit: —
“No man also seweth a piece uv old cloth onto a new garment, else the new
piece that filleth it up taketh it away from the old, and the rent is made
worse.”
My hearers, Democrisy went to Philadelphy in a soot uv
gray, wich it hed bin a wearin for five years. It wuz trooly
old, and ther wuz greevious rents in it, made mostly by bayonets,
and sich. O, why wuzn't we content to wear it? Why wuz
we not satisfied with it? Agin wuz the Skripters fulfilled.
We patched up the Confedrit gray with Federal blue; we put
onto the back, Seward; onto the knees, Randall; onto the
shoulders, Cowan; and onto the seat, Johnson; and they wuz
stitched together with Post Offisis. But it didn't hold. The
Skripters wuz fulfilled; the old cloth wuz rotten, and one by
one patches fell off, somewhat dirtied, and takin with em a part
uv the old, and the rents is bigger than before. Our coat is
busted at the elbows, our pants is frayed round the bottoms,
out at the knees, and from behind the flag uv distress waveth
drearily in the cold wind.
My brethren, we will succeed when we stick to our integrity.
Wat wuz the yoose uv our assoomin what we did not hev?
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[figure description] Page 358.[end figure description]
Wat wuz the sence uv our askin our people to vote for Kernels
for Congris wich hed, doorin the war, drafted their sons? Wat
wuz the yoose uv talking Constooshnel Amendments to men
who spozed that Internal Improvements and a Nashnel Bank
wuz still the ishoo? Wat wuz the yoose uv lettin go our holt
on nigger equality, wich is the right bower, left bower, and
ace uv the Democrisy, — its tower uv strength, its anker and
cheefest trust, and wich is easy uv comprehension, and eminently
adapted to the Democratic intelleck, — and takin up
questions wich will all be settled ten years afore they begin to
comprehend em? In breef, wat wuz the sense, my brethren,
in puttin new wine into old bottles? — uv patchin old cloth
with new? Let us be warned, and never repeet the fatle
error.
The congregashen dispersed somewhat sadly, but ez they
gathered at Bascom's to discuss the sermon, I wuz gratified at
observin a visible improvement in their temper. Bascom hisself
bussled around lively; Deekin Pogram remarked that
probably it wuz unskriptooral to put new wine into old tubs,
but ez he didn't hev an ijee that the prohibishen extended to
new whisky, he'd resk it, bust or no bust, and he pizened hisself
very much in the old style, and Elder Slather and Kernel
McPelter so far recovered their sperits ez to hang the nigger
I menshend in the beginnin ez lookin pleased at the church.
The Corners is rapidly gettin itself agin.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 359 -- p635-392
CXXIV. THE AMNESTY PROPOSITION. — THE CROSS ROADS MADE THE VICTIM OF A CRUEL HOAX.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
December 3, 1866.
[figure description] Page 359.[end figure description]
*I never wuz so elevated, nor never so cast down, in my life,
ez last nite, and the entire Corners wuz ditto. The circumstances
uv the case wuz ez follows: Me and a party uv friends
wuz a playin draw poker with a Noo York commershel travler,
I believe they call em, a feller with a mustash and side whiskers,
wich comes South a talkin secesh and a sellin goods. He
made some inquiries about the standin uv the deelers at the
Corners, and wuz, arter sed inquiries, eggstreemly anxious to
sell em goods, for cash. They wanted em on ninety days' time,
and on this they split. He agreed with em in principle — he
drank to Jeff Davis, and damned Linkin flooently — but on the
cash question he wuz inflexible and unmovable. To while
away the rosy hours, a knot of choice sperits, him inclooded,
gathered in the Post Orfis, to enjoy a game uv draw poker.
There wuz me and Square Gavitt, and Deekin Pogram, and
Elder Slathers, and the Noo York drummer. We played till
past the witchin hour of 12 M., when graveyards yawn and
gosts troop forth — when the New Yorker suckumd. His
innocent, unseasoned bowels hedn't bin eddicated up to the
standard uv Kentucky whiskey, wich, new ez we drink it, is
pizen to foreigners. The Deekin and Elder grabbed the stakes
wich wuz onto the table, and rifled his pockets on the suspishen
that he wuz a Ablishinist, and rolled him out, and while in the
very act, Pollock, the Illinoy storekeeper, cum rushin in, askin
us ef we'd heerd the news.
We ansered yoonanimusly that we hedn't.
“I'm jist in from Looisville,” sed he; “I jist rode over from
the stashen. Looisville is in a blaze uv glory!”
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[figure description] Page 360.[end figure description]
“Wat,” sez I, “hez Sumner killed Thad Stevens and immejitly
committed sooicide?”
“Nary,” sez he, “but Johnson and Congress hev cum together
on the basis uv universal Amnesty, wich wuz proclaimed
yesterday, to be follered by universal suffrage ez soon ez the
South kin conveniently do it. They hev met and embraced on
Horris Greely's plan.”
Deekin Pogram bust into a hysterical laff, and in his joy
handed me the proceeds uv his explorashen uv the pockets uv
the Noo Yorker, and like a blessed old lunatic broke for the
meetin-house. In a moment or two the bell pealed forth its
joyous notes, and in a minit more the half-dressed villagers
wuz seen emergin from their respective domiciles in all stiles
uv attire. A few minits sufficed to make them understand wat
wuz the occasion uv the uproar, and a more enthoosiastic population
never woke the ekkoes. Afore five minutes hed rolled
off into eternity, ther wuz a bonfire blazin on the North side
uv the square, the sed bonfire bein a nigger skool-house wich
the Freedmen's Commishn hed erected, and wich our enthoosiastic
citizens hed in their delirium uv joy set fire to. It was
emblematic. The smoke ez it rolled to the South methawt
assoomed the shape uv a olive branch — the cry uv the nigger
children wich coodent escape, symbolized their desertid condishn,
and the smell uv em, ez they roasted, wuz like unto
incense, grateful to our nostrils.
A informal meetin wuz to-wunst organized by the lite of the
burnin skool-house, to wich Deekin Pogram addressed hisself.
He remarked that this wuz a solemn occasion, so solemn indeed
that he felt inadekate to express the feelins wich filled him.
His mouth wuzn't big enough to give vent to his sole, though
ef he didn't he'd bust. “Wat are we met for to-nite, my
friends?” sed he; “wat calls us together? Wherefore these
sounds uv joy — wherefore this fire, and wherefore is Bascom
sellin likker at half price? Becoz we are rehabilitated — that's
wat we are. Becoz the North hez gone into the olive branch
bizness agin, and we hev wunst more our rites. We are amnestied.
We kin vote — we kin go to Congress — we are agin
citizens uv the great Republic.”
Pollock, the Illinoy storekeeper, riz and begged permishn to
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[figure description] Page 361.[end figure description]
say a word. He protested agin these doins. He understood,
akkordin to Horris Greely's plan, that universal suffrage wuz
to follow universal amnesty — why then this makin John Rodgerses
uv the niggers? Wuz the South a goin to act in good
faith?
Deekin Pogram replied: The South never yit broke plighted
faith save when she cood make suthin by so doin. At this
present junkter uv affairs he presoomed the South wood extend,
not precisely universal suffrage to the niggers, but the way
wood be opened to em. Sich a mass uv ignorance cood never
be trusted with the ballot without preparashen, and to prepare
em wood be a overturnin the Kentucky theory, that the nigger
is a beast, and the Northern Demokratic idea that the nigger
wuz cust by Noer and doomed forever to be a slave.
“The gentleman from Illinoy will to-wunst perceive the fix
we are in. They ain't fit for the ballot now, and ef we make
em so, it overturns our theory, wich we can't do. Still we
propose to be just to em. We shel give sich uv em the ballot
ez are suffishently intellijent, and shel not put the standard too
high. We shel give every wun uv em the ballot who is able
to reed the Greek testament flooently and pass a credible examinashen
in Latin, embroidery, French, German, English
Grammar, and double-entry book-keepin. The path to the polls,
yoo see, is open to em. Uv course we can't be expectid to
tolerate skool-houses for em, coz that wood raise em above their
normal condishen. Also, ther must be proper regulashens controllin
em, for, my deer sir, they are mere infants, and ther
totterin steps on the road to freedom needs directing. Society
is a compromise in wich every one resigns ez much uv his
persnel liberty ez the good uv the hull may demand. We count
ourselves the hull, and the resinin uv persnel liberty must
come from them. “That nigger,” sed he, pintin to wun wich the
joyous citizens wuz stringin up to Bascom's sign-post, “that
nigger is a resinin his persnel freedom for the good of the hull.
No doubt in his heart he murmurs, and ef the cord wich is
chokin him cood be loosened, he wood repine. It is rough on
him; but the sooperiority uv the Caucashn race must be —
My God! it's one uv my niggers! Stop! Bascom, stop!”
ejakilated the Deekin, but it wuz too late. The nigger wuz
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already black in the face and hed ceased to kick, and the
Deekin, heavin a sigh, perceeded.
“We shel scroopulously regard their rites. They shel hev
the rite to buy land, and be in all respecks like us, ez soon ez
they kin be trusted. Till then they will hev to be restrained.
There must be laws prohibitin em from receivin more than
$4.50 per month, that they may not become bloated aristocrats
and pampered sons uv luxury — the proper development of
the country, and likewise the payment of the Confedrit debt,
requires manuel labor, wich we wuz never edjucated to do, and
therefore the good of the whole requires that they shel resigne
their persnel liberty so fur ez to be confined to the plantashuns,
onto which they hev engaged to laber, that they may relijusly
do sed laber, which is cleerly nessary, for yoo see ef I hire a
nigger in Janooary, I must not be exposed to the chances uv
his quittin me in July. But wat more kin they want? They
are free to ez great a extent ez the good of society will permit.
We shel give em qualified suffrage, fixin, uv course, wich is
just, the qualifications ourselves, and bein valyooable members
of society, hereafter we shel care fur em, so long ez they are
healthy — Good Lord, why will them cusses persist in hangin
up able-bodied niggers when there's so many old ones around,
good for nuthin but to celebrate with?” and to save another
wun uv his former servants, the Deekin closed abruptly.
It is onnecessary to recount the further doins uv the nite.
There wuz a skool-house and church, recently erected, burnd,
with some skore or sich a matter uv young niggers in em,
which wuz too young to be of any yoose, save one girl, wich
wuz neerly white and almost fifteen, wich ought to hev bin
reskood, and five, ef I counted correctly, able-bodied men and
wimin wuz hung. Bascom sold out his stock entirely, and by
3 A. M. the entire inhabitance uv the Corners wuz a layin
around the square, in festoons.
There wuz a bitter awakenin to this scene uv festivity. At
a little after 7, while the Deekin, the Elder, and myself wuz in
Bascom's tryin to get an assuager — and the best we cood do
wuz to pour a quart uv water into a barrel wich hed bin emptied,
and roll it around and thus flavor it — Captain McPelter,
late uv Morgan's cavalry, cum in from Looisville. Eagerly we
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asked him the confirmation uv the tidins, when he informed us
that it wuz a hoax — that no such thing had been done, nor
wuz Congris in any sich a noshen. Pollock dropped in, and
when I reproached him with his dooplicity, he ansered that it
wuz a hoax, but he hoped we'd excoose him. He hed a cravin
desire to see whether ef Amnesty and Suffrage shood be
adopted, how fur we'd go in the latter direction. He wuz
satisfied, and hoped we'd forgive him the pleasant jest. He'd
made the Corners lively one nite, any how. I wuz too profoundly
disgusted to reply to the wretch.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is postmaster).
eaf635n62* The rebels of the Southern States desired nothing so much as relief from
the disabilities enforced upon them as the result of their crime, expecting that
through amnesty they would find some way of regaining control of their former
slaves.
CXXV. MR. NASBY PROJECTS A COLLEGE.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
December 9, 1866.
*Square Gavitt, Deekin Pogram, Captain McPelter, and myself
wuz in the Post Offis last nite, wich, next to Bascom's, hez got
to be the cheef resort uv the leading intellex uv the Corners,
a talkin over matters and things, when the Deekin happened
to menshun that next week his second son, Elijer, who hez
intelleck into him, was a goin to start for Michigan to enter a
college.
“Wat!” sed I, “do yoo perpose to send that noble yooth,
Elijer Pogram, to a Ablishn State, to enter a Ablishn college,
to suck his knollege from a Ablishn mother? Good Heavens!
Frailty, thy name is woman.”
[I hedn't any ijee that this last remark wuz appropos, but it
sounds well, and I hev notist that it don't make much difference
wat the cotashun is, so ez yoo end a remark with a cotashun.]
-- 364 --
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The Deekin remarked that it wuz painful; but the fact wuz,
Elijer must hev a ejucashen. He didn't bleeve in ejucashen,
generally speekin. The common people wuz better off without
it, ez ejucashen hed a tendency to unsettle their minds. He
hed seen the evil effex uv it in niggers and poor whites. So
soon ez a nigger masters the spellin book and gits into noosepapers,
he becomes dissatisfied with his condishn, and hankers
after a better cabin and more wages. He to-wunst begins to
insist onto ownin land hisself, and givin his children ejucashen,
and, ez a nigger, for our purposes, ain't worth a soo markee.
Jes so with the poor whites. He knowd one meloncolly instance.
A poor cuss up toards Garrittstown, named Ramsey,
learnt to read afore the war, and then commenst deterioratin.
For two years he refoozed to vote the Dimocratic ticket, then
he blossomed out into a Ablishnist, and tried to make the others
uv his class discontented by tellin uv em that Slavery wuz wat
kept them down, and finally, after pashense ceased to be a virchoo,
and we tarred and fethered him one nite for a incendiary,
he went to Injiany. That cuss cum back here, doorin the late
onpleasantniss, kernel of a regiment, wich he campt on my farm
and subsisted em off it. Sum ejucashen is, how ever, nessary.
I design Elijer for Congris, and he must hev it. He's a true
Pogram, and nothin will strike in wich kin hurt him.
“Why not,” sez I, “that the Southern yooth may be properly
trained, start a College uv our own? Why, Deekin, run risks
uv hevin the minds uv our young men tainted with heresy?”
The entire company wuz struck with the idea, and it wuz
earnestly canvassed, and finally decided upon; and I wuz
deppytized to start it, wich I immejitly did. The name by wich
the new college is to be known is “The Southern Classikle,
Theologikle, and Military Institoot uv Confedrit × Roads (wich
is in the Stait uv Kentucky).”
The college grounds is to comprise one hundred akers taken
from corners uv the farms uv Deekin Pogram, Elder Slathers,
and Capt. McPelter, wich ground they sell the college, seein
it's for that purpose, for $300 per aker.
The faculty will be, ef we kin sekoor em, composed uv these
trooly great minds: —
Genril Forrest, late C. S. A., Professor uv Moral Philosophy.
-- 365 --
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Kernell Mosby, late C. S. A., Professor uv Rhetoric and
Belles Lettres.
Capt. McGee, late C. S. A., Professor uv Natural Sciences.
Genril Magruder, late C. S. A., Professor uv watever is understood
by them ez is posted in college matters ez Classics, wich
I shel look up ez soon ez I have time.
This is a killin two birds with one stun. We not only pervide
ejucashen, wich is safe for our young men, but we
pervide comfortable places for the heroes uv the late onpleasantniss.
In addition to these, Deekin Pogram, Square Gavitt, and myself,
each pledged ourselves to endow a Professorship in the
Theologikle Department, to be known by our names, and we to
hev the appintin uv the Professors.
The Pogram Chair uv Biblikle Theology will be offered to
Rev. Henry Clay Dean, uv Iowa, provided he will stipulate to
wash his feet wunst per quarter, and change his shirt at least
twice per annum.
The Gavitt Chair uv Biblikle Literatoor will be offered to
Rev. C. Chauncy Burr, uv Noo York.
The Nasby Chair uv Biblikle Politicks will be filled by Rev.
Petroleum Vesoovius Nasby, whose eminent fitness for the
place is undispooted.
In the Scientific and Classikle Departments the text-books
will be keerfully revised, and everything uv a Northern or
levelin tendency will be scroopulously expergated. In the
Theologikle Department speshl attenshun will be given to the
highly nessary work uv preparin the stoodents for comin out
strong on the holinis uv Slavery, and to this end the three
years' course will be devotid thus: —
1st year — To the cuss uv Noer.
2d year — To provin that the Afrikin nigger wuz reely the
descendants uv Ham.
3d year — Considerin the various texts wich go to show that
Afrikin slavery is not only permitted by the skripters, but
especially enjoined.
I shell myself lectur, from time to time, on Ham, Hager, and
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Onesimus, that the bearins uv these individooals upon our system
may be fully understood, and also on sich subjects ez the
inflooense uv stimulatin flooids upon the human system, the
cat-o'-nine-tails ez a evangelizer, and sich other topics ez may
from time to time sejest themselves.
The young men confided to our care will receive not only a
solid collegiate educashun, ez it is understood at the North,
but careful attention will be paid to the accomplishments so
nessary to the troo Southern gentleman. They will be taught
draw poker, pitchin dollars (real Spanish dollars will be provided
for the purpose), spittin at a mark, revolver and bowie
knife practice, tournament ridin at rings (real injy rubber rings
will be provided — this'll be extra), and cat-o'-nine-tails. The
morals uv the stoodents will be scroopulously looked after. No
card-playin will be allowed afore servis on Sunday, and none
whatever with the servants. They will be taught to respeck
themselves.
Uv course, there will hev to be a large outlay uv money,
wich it stands to reason can't be outlayed till it's inlayed. We,
therefore, formed an Executive Committee, whose dooty it wuz
made to solissit funds for this purpose, and to inaugerate a
series uv Gift Enterprises, and sich, wich is ez follows: —
Deekin Pogram, President. Elder Slathers, Vice-President.
Capt. McPelter, Corresponding Secretary. Myself, Financial
Secretary and Treasurer.
The high standin uv the Board, particklerly the Treasurer,
wich hez the handlin uv the funds, is a suffishent guarantee that
all money subscribed will be faithfully applied. It wuz resolved,
in order that the Board may present that respectable appearance
wich their posishen demands, that the first funds reseeved
should be applied to the purchis uv each uv em a new soot uv
clothes, a step, I am confident, the friends uv southern educashen
will approve uv and heartily endorse.
I hev hopes in the course uv a week to report progress.
Every subscriber uv $2.50 and upwards, will hev a Honorary
Professorship named after him, or will be made a Honorary
Member uv the Board uv Directors, ez he chooses. We hev
-- 367 -- p635-400
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high hopes uv a libral support from the Dimocrisy North.
They cannot but realize the dangers uv sendin their sons to
sich institooshens uv learnin North ez must turn em out Ablishnists,
or chill, at least, the ardor uv their Dimocrisy.
It is to be hoped that contributions for the buildin uv the
institooshen and its proper endowment will be commenst
immejitly, ez there is a morgage on Deekin Program's farm,
and I am in pressin need uv a substanshel soot uv winter
clothes.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n63* A large number of colleges were established in the South, for no other
apparent purpose than to furnish employment for the officers of the Confederate
army. But few of them got farther than the issuing of a prospectus.
CXXVI. MR. NASBY TRIES TO WEEP AT THE TOMB OF A FRIEND.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
December 15, 1866.
I heerd, nearly two months ago, that my old friend, John
Guttle, uv Mobeel, hed departed this life, and gone to that
other and better world where the wicked cease from troublin
and the weery are at rest, and wuz profoundly shocked. John
Guttle wuz my friend, and I much feer his like I ne'er shall
look upon agin. He wuz a Democrat uv the old skool, one uv
the few links wich remaned to connect the present generation
with the past. Well do I remember the glorious old man!
How often hev I sat in the square room in his country residence,
and drunk whisky and water with him till we neither
on us could see a hole thro a forty-foot ladder; how many times
hez he flogged niggers for my amoozment, to show me the
proper way uv managin uv em; and how many times hez he
lent me small sums uv money, varyin from five to thirty-one
dollars, akkordin to the state uv mellernis he wuz in when I
approached him on the delikit subjik! Alas! poor John Guttle.
Let not the skoffer say that I regret his death becoz his
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sons will be apt to try and collect the notes the old man
departed holds uv mine! No, no! they know me too well to
waste any time on that. I mourn becoz I loved him, and becoz
uv the misfortunes which druv him to a prematoor grave.
A. Linkin is responsible for this dark shadder onto my pathway.
John Guttle hed three hundred niggers on his plantashens
and in his house in town — these wuz wrencht from him by the
Proclamashen, and turned out from his paternal care to starve,
which the most uv em are industrously doin at $3 per day.
He hed em uv all hues — there wuz the full-blooded Black, the
disgustin Mulatter, the pleasant Quadroon, the beautiful Octoroon,
and them which hed so nearly lost the cuss of Ham ez to
be hardly distinguishable from the pure Caucashun; and it
wuz noticeable that the nearly white niggers on the Guttleses
plantation wuz all beautiful. The Guttleses theirselves wuz
perfeck specimens uv manly beauty, and it probably hed its
effeck upon the blacks. The nigger is a imitative animal.
It wuz this robbin uv him uv his property — this overturnin
uv the normal condishn uv things — which killed John Guttle.
He never held up his head after the Proclamashen, but faded
away like a frostid flower!
I wuz in Mobeel last week on biznis connected with our
college (it wuz solisitin funds to endow my Professorship), and
I felt that I cood not leave the sity without droppin a dozen
teers or sich onto the grave. I felt, ez he hed contribbitted
at various times so much to moisten my clay, that it wood be
ungentlemanly not to do suthin toward moistenin hizzen. And
in pursuance uv my resolve, I wended my way sadly to the
cemetary, and, findin the tomb, struck an attitood uv dispair,
and leanin pensively onto the monument, strove, to the best uv
my ability, to weep, but it wuz a futile endeavor. My eyes
woodent give down. I strove to recall his virchoos, but sich
is the weaknis uv human nacher that whenever his form rose
in my memory, my mind involuntarily wandered to his whiskey,
and my mouth would water to sich an extent ez to monopolize
all the moisture in my sistem. I cood hev spit onto his grave,
but weep I cood not. Alas for poor humanity!
When I wuz a standin there tryin to weep, and makin bad
work uv it, I notist three beautiful young ladies approachin,
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with baskets ov hot-house flowers a hangin onto their arms.
I recognized em to-wunst. They were John Guttle's daughters,
and they wuz a comin to strew flowers onto the grave uv
their paternal ancestor on their father's side. It wuz a techin
site; and feelin that I wuz a introoder, not bein a blood relashun,
and only connected with the deceest by notes uv hand, I
withdrew a short distants. Skasely hed they got to the tomb,
when from the other side approached three more ravishinly
beautiful young ladies, with baskits uv hot-house flowers onto
their arms. The last ones resembled in a strikin manner the fust
ones, exceptin they wuz a shade darker, and their hare waved
bootiful, whereas the hare uv the fust wuz perfeckly strate.
The two parties faced each other on opposite sides uv the
toom, and party Number One glared fiercely at party Number
Two.
“Lize! Flora! Jane!” sed the oldest uv party Number
One, “wat are yoo doin here?”
“Sisters,” sed the eldest uv party Number Two, “we're
here dischargin a fillyel dooty. Beneeth these sod lies the
remains uv our father, and we are goin to strew these flowers
onto his toom. Jine us in the strew.”
“Father?” shreeked the three uv party Number One.
“Yoor all niggers, and wuz servants unto —”
“Our half-sisters,” sed the spokesman uv party Number
Two; “but Linkin removed the cuss uv Ham, and we're now
free, and hev as much rite to strew the grave uv our common
parient, which wuz John Guttle, ez yoo. O! our sisters, our
father wuz a good man — let us bedew his grave with our
teers and —”
“Wat impudence!” shreeked party Number One, all in
korious.
“Impudence yoorself!” retorted party Number Two, getting
red in the face. “We are John Guttleses daughters percisely
ez much ez yoo, and the only advantage yoo hev over us is in
the article of mothers. Yoo three hev wun, which wuz John
Guttleses wife, while we three hev three — one apiece eggsackly—
which wuz John Guttleses servants; but we can't,
nevertheless, stifle our emoshuns. I shel command myself,
and thus perceed to perform a act uv fillyel dooty.”
-- 370 -- p635-403
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And she histed out the flowers and commenced to strew.
The tother wuns wuz a gettin hot. The oldest wun cood
stand this impudence no longer, and droppin her basket, went
for her, followed by her sisters. It wuz a sperited conflict,
and lasted perhaps four minits, or until I parted em, when they
gathered themselves together, and departed — one party went
one way, and tother, tother.
Fillyel love hed done more in the strewin biznis than it sot
out to do. The six lovin daughters uv the deceest John hed
not only strewed flowers onto his grave, but hair, and collars,
and buzzum pins, and shreds uv silk, and water-falls, and
cotton, and false teeth, and pieces uv almost everything which
goes to make up the sum total uv female attire.
Ez I gazed at the wreck and saw their tattered forms vanish
in the dim distance, I could not help admittin that when it
come to strewin the graves uv deceest ancestors, there wuz
sum disadvantages attending the patriarkle system.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv
Biblikle Politics in the Southern Classikle &
Military Institoot.
CXXVII. MR. NASBY IN NORTH CAROLINA. — THE ABROGATION OF GENERAL SICKLES'S ORDER.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
December 31, 1866.
*For two weeks past I hev bin in North Carolina, and hev
hed an oppertoonity uv bein uv servis to my friends and the
good cause.
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-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 371 --
[figure description] Page 371.[end figure description]
I wuz there collecting funds fur the new College at this
pint, to wich I am devoted heart and sole, and wuz a makin
my home at Kernel Abslum Podgers', who resides just back of
Rawly, and whose table and cellar are unsurpassed in the
South. Kernel Podgers is a gentleman uv the old skool, who
lives in luxurious elegance onto a plantashn uv 1500 akers,
and who hez troo piety into him, and alluz wears a shirt-frill.
Afore the war he owned 200 niggers, and his sole runnin out
after em, he hez managed, sence the war, to collect the most
uv em, and get em together on the old place. He hez bin
busily engaged in subdooin uv em, and bringing em back to
ther normal condishun; but alas! ther wuz difficulties in the
way. The men niggers, with an obstinacy wich I can't
account for, refused to work for $4 per month, and the
wimen, hevin been mostly married to ther husbands by the
chaplin uv a regiment wich wuz stashened here doorin the
war, refoosed to resoom their old relations, and things looked
serious. Most men would hev yielded to circumstances and
give up, but Kernel Podgers wuz not uv that stripe. He
owed a dooty to these misguided beins wich he felt he must
fulfil; and besides, he is desirous of buildin a new house next
summer and sendin two daughters (by his wife) to a seminary
next season, and he felt that he must bring em to their senses.
He sed that he stood in the relation uv a father, figgeratively
speekin, to all uv em, and literally to many uv em; and wuz
he agoin to let em go on a flyin out uv their normal speer?
Not any.
The fust day I wuz there, a crisis occurred. John Podgers,
his son, insisted upon takin away the wife uv a mulatto, and
the nigger, forgettin his posishen, wuz impudent. John struck
him, and the degraded wretch waded in and whaled him unmerciful.
This, uv course, cood not be endoored. The
Podgers' blood riz, and that nigger wuz seized and catted till
he died. Ef I remember right, he expired while undergoin
discipline. It may be he lived till mornin; but it matters not,
ceptin that I like to be accurate.
It wuz a solem and impressive scene. The Kernel had the
Ethiopian's wife present doorin the infliction uv the punishment,
and to show her that he did not perceed without
-- 372 --
[figure description] Page 372.[end figure description]
authority, before commencin he read to her from Scripter
the chapters treatin uv Ham and Hager, and the passage
commencin “servance, obey yoor masters,” and then walloped
him with more vigger than I spozed wuz left in a man so old.
He pinted to the nigger on the ground, after he wuz cut
down, and tellin her that he hoped it wood be a lesson to her,
bade her go to her quarters. But the perverse creecher
didn't. She ran away, and complained to the officer at the
neerest post, who instid uv sendin her back under guard, with
his compliments to Kernel Podgers, actilly forwarded her
complaint to General Sickles, who forthwith struck a blow at
the foundashens uv the fabric uv Southern sosiety, and
ordered the arrest uv the Kernel, who wuz to-wunst placed
in doorance vile.
There wuz eggscitement in the visinity. I never saw sich
a fermentashen. Men run to and fro with blancht cheeks, and
askt, “Wat next? Is our rites to be taken from us? Is
Johnson a holler mockery?” And they made up a purse, and
begged me to go to Androo, and stand between em and
destruckshen. I run up to Washinton, and hed an interview
with his Eggslency, the President. He knowd Kernel Podgers,—
in his younger days he hed made his coats, — and ez I
tetched upon the old man immured in a dismal dungeon, he
wept. But A. Johnson hez decision uv character. Wipin his
eyes, he isshood a order for the revokashen uv Sickleses absurd
order that niggers shoodent be whipt, and a speshl order commandin
the offiser who hed the Kernel in custody, to turn him
over to the Civil Courts, to be tried in accordance with the
laws of North Karliny.
Armed with these documents, I flew back, and the nite I
arrived I hed the satisfackshen uv takin the Kernel out uv
Jail, and takin him afore a Justis uv the Peace, where he gave
bail to appear afore the Common Pleas to answer a charge uv
manslaughter, prefered by the widder uv the dead nigger. A
day or two after, the case wuz heard, I appearin for the
Kernel. I held that the case be dismissed for the followin
reasons: —
1. The charge uv manslaughter wuz absurd, for the reason
that in the minds uv the Southern people there hez alluz bin
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[figure description] Page 373.[end figure description]
the gravest doubts ez to whether the nigger is actilly a man.
I held that the length uv his heel, the thickness uv his skull,
the length uv his arm, all showd that he wuz uv a distink
species. Ef this is the case, ez a matter uv course, the Kernel
goes free.
2. The Kernel can't be held, allowin the nigger to be a man.
The laws uv the State uv North Karliny permit the whippin
uv niggers, but they don't prescribe the quality uv whippin
wich may be inflicted. It's a matter wich is left entirely to
the discreshen uv the whipper. It's a matter with wich the
whippee hez nothin to do; neither hez the State. Ef the
Kernel hed shot the nigger he wood be liable, for shootin ain't
permitted; but ez whippin is, and ez the quantity ain't prescribed,
uv course it intends the matter to be left solely to the
discreshen uv the party who hez the power to whip. Nothin
kin be clearer than that. Shel Kernel Podgers be punisht
becoz a nigger hedn't powers uv endoorence? Forbid it
Heven!
Here I rested the case. I showed to the satisfackshen uv
the Court that the law was not only just but humane, and that
any sich absurdity ez punishin the Kernel for carryin out its
pervisions wood be strikin a blow at the framework uv society.
The Court coincided with me, and to-wunst discharged the
Kernel, amid the acclamashuns uv the crowd. The event wuz
sellebratid that afternoon by whippin every nigger within a
cirkle uv ten miles. The exercise did our people good. It
wuz soothin.
In the mean time John Podgers hed gone afore a Justice uv
the Peace and made complaint uv Susan (that is the name uv
the female wich wuz the cause uv the diffikilty) ez a vagrant,
and she wuz so declared by the Justis and put up and sold.
Under the circumstances no one wood bid agin John, and she
was struck off to him at $50, wich the Justis, under the
pecoolyer circumstances uv the case, refoosed to take. I saw
John a marchin uv her home, and felt happy.
The Kernel's gratitood wuz boundlis.
“Wat kin I do for yoo?” sed he, wringin my hand in a
fever uv joy.
“Nothin,” sed I, “nothin! Virchoo is its own reward.
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But our College is languishin for want uv means — let yoor
gratitood take that shape.”
He subscribed and paid $200, wich constoots him a perpetooal
Honorary Professer, and $100 to make his wife a perpetooal
Honorary Professer. I borrowd uv him $50 to take
me home, ez I coodent uv coorse yoose College funds, and
departed $350 better. I left regretfully. Now that this portion
uv the South is gettin her rites, it is trooly a deliteful
place too live, and I shood like to end my days here. But my
post offis, and that college! — I kin never leave em, never.
To that college I hev dedikated the few remainin years uv my
life, and I'll never desert it so long ez there's a dollar to be
raised for it out uv anybody.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n64* The planters of North Carolina assuming the right to flog the freedmen,
General Sickles in command of that department issued an order forbidding the
infliction of corporal punishment upon persons not minors. President Johnson
promptly revoked the order, stating as his reason, that it interfered with
the laws of the state relating to vagrants.
CXXVIII. MR. NASBY'S ACCOUNT OF HIS STEWARDSHIP. — LAYING THE CORNER STONE OF THE COLLEGE EDIFICE.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Janooary 2, 1866.
On my return from my trip to North Karliny ther wuz an
immejit and irrepressible desire on the part uv the Trustees
uv the Institoot, to hev a statement from me uv the results of
the trip. Much hed bin expectid from the vencher, and the
expectashuns uv the Trustees wuz riz to a pitch from wich I
felt it wuz crooil to hurl em. Therefore I dodged em, until
finally, bein badgered, I thot I wood end it. Hevin prepared
the dockyments, I named the Post Offis ez the place, and the
mornin uv the 1st instant ez the time, to make an exhibit uv
the receets and expenditoors uv the trip. Deekin Pogram,
Colonel McPelter, and Elder Slathers were promptly on hand,
and so wuz I, with the statement, wich I red to em ez follows: —
-- 375 --
[figure description] Page 375.[end figure description]
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, in account with the Southern
Classikle and Military Institoot Fund:
|
Dr. |
| To cash uv Kernel Abslum Podgers, for self |
$200 00 |
| To cash uv Kernel Abslum Podgers, for wife |
100 00 |
| To cash uv Square Davis, proceeds uv the sale uv one
nigger boy Jim, convicted uv steelin a red herrin,
generously donated |
50 00 |
| To cash uv Major Galbreth, bein all he hed left after
gettin a pardon from the President through Mrs.
Cobb |
1 00 |
| To cash uv John Kessick, who encourages the Institoot,
intendin to come here to start a grocery, ez
soon ez it gits fairly a goin |
10 00 |
| To cash uv divers and sundry persons |
20 00 |
| Grand totle |
$381 00 |
|
Cr. |
| By ralerode fare, the conductors unanimously refoosin
to ded hed me either in my clericle, offishel, or benevolent
character |
$30 00 |
| By refreshments, and meal after refreshments |
90 |
| By more refreshments |
15 |
| By bottle uv refreshments to use on cars |
1 50 |
| By refreshments at station |
15 |
| By refreshments at various places |
60 00 |
| By board at Rawley |
60 00 |
| By refreshments at Rawley, wich comes high, bein 25
cts. strate |
70 00 |
| By livery hire in that vicinity |
90 00 |
| By refreshments for self and driver, includin broken
axels and sich |
25 00 |
| By meals for self and driver |
3 00 |
| By fare back home, wich cost more owin to my comin
a round about way |
50 00 |
| Grand totle |
$390 70 |
| Leavin a balance in my favor of $9 70. |
|
-- 376 --
[figure description] Page 376.[end figure description]
The brethren wuz somewat disappointed at the result, and
Bascom intimated that he bleeved it wuz a d—d swindle; but
I withered him with a glance. I showed Deekin Pogram that
it wuz not only reglar, but that it hed the stamp uv the Post
Offis onto it, wich silenced all cavil. I asshoored em that that
little balance needn't trouble em — I did not intend to make
an assessment onto em, but that I cood wait until the treasury
wuz in funds.
“But,” sed Bascom, “when in thunder will the treasury ever
be in funds, ef all the expedishuns result like this one?”
I explained to the obtoose man that it wuz all rite; that in
most uv sich enterprises the expenses eat up the collekshuns,
but that it wuz seed sown. “We must,” sez I, “raise the wind
from the North, and to do it, let us show that suthin hez bin dun.”
“Wat kin we do?” sed Bascom.
“Lay the corner stun uv the Institoot?” sez I. “On the
square forninst us is the corner stun uv the nigger church we
burnt a month or so ago, ready to our hand. Let us organize
a percession and do it to-day, that we may publish to the world
that the work is commenced, that our friends may shell out
libreller than they hev.”
The idea wuz considered good, and forthwith it wuz actid
upon. The stone wuz conveyed to the feeld onto wich the
Institoot is to be built, and a cavity wuz hollered out into it.
At 4 P. M. (wich is in the afternoon) a percession wuz formed,
headed by the Trustees, and we marched out to the feeld. Into
the cavity in the stun wuz deposited, with approprit ceremonies,
the followin articles: —
A copy uv the Constooshen uv the Confedrit States uv
America. A copy uv the message uv Androo Johnson vetoin
the Freedmen's Buro Bill. A copy uv the 22d uv Febrooary
speech. Portrates uv the Trustees. A copy uv the veto uv
the Civil Rites Bill. A pair uv handcuffs. Portrates uv President
Johnson and Secretary Seward. A nigger whip. A $5
greenback contribbited for the purpose by Elder Pennibacker.
A pint bottle uv whisky, seeled, contribbited by Bascom.
Then the stun wuz placed in posishen, and after a few feelin
remarks by myself, in wich I stated that this wuz a grate day
for the Corners, and that posterity wood bless us for the work
-- 377 --
[figure description] Page 377.[end figure description]
we hed that day done, the crowd dispersed, the Trustees goin
back to my offis to draw up a statement uv the ceremonies, and
an appele to the northern Dimocrisy for aid.
That nite about 9 P. M., I wuz a sittin in my offis a musin
onto the evence uv the day, and wonderin whether the Dimocrisy
wood give down, it okkured to me that there wuz a pint
bottle uv first-class corn whisky, and $5 in currency, agoin to
waste in that stun.
“Wat'll posterity ever know uv us?” thot I to myself.
“Ef posterity does ever overturn that stun, won't she git jest
ez good an idea uv who we wuz from the other articles? Ef
posterity ever reads the speeches uv His Eggslency, and the
messages wich we hev placed there, won't the whisky be
inferred? Ef it ain't, posterity is a consumate ass;” and thus
musin, I wended my way thitherward, determined to reskoo
these two articles from oblivion any how.
It wuz pitch dark, but I knew the way. Creepin cautiously
up to the stun, I reached out; and horror! Ther wuz other
hands onto it! Strikin a match quickly, there stood reveeled
afore me the forms uv Deekin Pogram, Bascom, and Elder
Slathers, to whom the same thot hed occurred wich moved me.
But my presence uv mind did not forsake me. Strikin another
match, I assoomed a look uv virchus indiguashen, wich they all
saw afore it went out, and reproacht em fur ther worldly-mindednis.
How cood they expect the Institoot to prosper
when those into whose hands its interests wuz confided, proves
recreant to the extent uv steeling the sacred mementoes wich
were to-day enclosed. “Go home,” sed I; “I forgive you this
time, and will not expose yoo ez yoo deserve. I spected yoo
all, from the way yoo eyed the bottle and the greenback, and
hastened hither to protect em. Go!”
And they went; after wich I tipped over the stun and
sekoored the prize.
The next mornin they all reproached me with hevin stolen
the articles, in privit, wich satisfied me that all uv em hed gone
back for the plunder after they thot I'd gone; but they didn't
make no fuss about it. They are all good men; but alas! sich
is the depravity uv human nacher that they'll bear watchin.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
-- 378 -- p635-413
CXXIX. MR. NASBY ESSAYS A SERMON, BUT IS INTERRUPTED BY A NIGGER.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Janooary 10, 1867.
[figure description] Page 378.[end figure description]
*I wuz rekested a week ago to preech a discourse from the
text wich the noble and high-minded Guvner Bramlette used
with sich crushin force in his last annual message, to wit:
“Kin the Leopard change his spots, or the Ethiopian his skin?”
and alluz feelin anxious to do wat I kin for the cause, I did it
last nite, or rather essayed to do it.
And here let me remark, that there ain't a more devoted
people in Kentucky than them lambs ez compose my flock. It
wuz a tetchin site, and one wich filled my sole with joy, to see
em pour out uv the groceries at the first tootin uv the horn,
and to see Pennebacker, wich owns the Distillery, stoppin
work to come; but the most cheerin and encouragin sign to me
wuz to see Deekin Pogram, who wuz playin seven-up for the
drinks with Elder Slathers, at Bascom's, lay down his hand
when he hed high low and jack in it, and hed only three to go.
“Elder,” sed he, his voice tremblin at the sacrifice he wuz a
makin, and a tear steelin down his cheek, “Elder, them's the
horn. Let us to our dooties. 'Ligion must take the front seat
uv temp'ral matters,” and, sighin ez he cast a partin glance at
his hand, he strode out resolootly to the sanktooary.
I opened by readin the follerin from Guvner Bramlette's
message:—
“`The nigger is the inferior uv the white — he lacks the
power to rise. Ontil the Leopard kin change his spots, or the
Ethiopian his skin, all efforts to repeal or nullify God's laws
will be unavailin.”
“My bretherin, these words is words uv wisdom, and fur
em let us be thankful. The skin uv the Ethiopian wuz
-- 379 --
[figure description] Page 379.[end figure description]
inflicted onto him for the express purpose uv distingishin him
from his bretherin, whose servants he wuz condemned to be,
for all time, ez a punishment for the sin uv Cain or the improodence
uv Ham, wich, Democratic divines heven't settled
on. With the black skin he wuz given all the other marks uv
inferiority. He wuz cust with long arms, immense hands, flat
nose, and bowed legs, and that ther mite be no mistake in the
matter, he wuz given wool instead uv hair. Halleloogy! Wat
a blessid thing for us is this Ethiopian! Wat a consolation it
must be to yoo all to know that ther is a race below yoo, and
how blessid the refleckshun that they can't change ther skin,
and by that means git above yoo! That's the comfort we
draw from the skripters. Wat a horror it wood be for Deekin
Pogram, snorin so peacefly, ef when the Soopreme Court decides
the Ablishn amendment unconstooshnl, and he gits his niggers
back agin; ef ther shood be a new dispensashun, and niggers
shood be permitted to change ther skins! Wat sekoority wood
we hev for our property? Some mornin he'd wake up and
find em all white persons, wich it wood be unconstooshnel to
wollop.
“My brethern, ther has bin many efforts to change the skin
uv the Ethiopian, or rather ther hez bin many who wanted to.
The Boston Ablishnists hev tried it, but wat hez bin the
result? Ain't they niggers yit, and ain't they still the degraded
wretches they alluz wuz? I paws for a reply.”
I made this latter remark becoz it sounded well, not that I
hed any idee that anybody wood reply. Imagine my surprise
at seein a gray-headed nigger, wich hed bin, doorin and after
the fratrisidle struggle, employed in the Freedman's Burow,
rise, and remark that he hed a word to say onto that pint.
There wuz a storm uv indignashun, and the impudent nigger,
who wuz so sassy ez to presoom to speak in a white meetin,
wood hev bin sacrificed on the spot, hed not Joe Bigler, who
wuz half drunk, drawd a ugly-lookin navy revolver, and remarkin
that he knowd that nigger, that he hed more sense
than the hull bilin uv us, and he shood hev his say.
“Ef,” sed this recklis Joe, “ef he beats yoo, Perfesser,
trooth is trooth; let's hev it. Ef he don't, why, it's all the
better for yoo. Ef yoor Websterian intelleck kivers the
-- 380 --
[figure description] Page 380.[end figure description]
ground, all rite; ef his ponderous intellek gets the best on't,
jist ez rite. `Out uv the mouths uv babes and sucklins.'
Elder, I go my bottom dollar on this sucklin. Speak up,
venerable: there won't none uv em tech yoo;” and he cockt
his revolver.
“Beggin pardon,” sed the nigger, “I agree with yoo, Perfesser,
that the Ethiopian can't change his skin hisself, but does
the Scripter say that it can't be changed for him?”
“Anser the venrable babe,” sed Joe Bigler, pintin his revolver
at me.
“I can't say that it does,” sez I.
“Very good,” retorted the nigger, “hezn't there a change
bin a goin on in Kaintuck from the beginnin? My mother wuz
ez black ez a crow — I'm considble lighter — my wife's a half
lighter than I am — my gal's children is a half lighter than
their mother, and I want to know wat Guvner Bramlette's got
to say to that. The white man ain't got no cuss onto him,
hez he?”
“Speek up, Perfesser — the sucklin wants yoo to be prompt,”
sed Joe Bigler.
I answered that “he hed not — that it wuz piled onto Ham
or Cain and ther desendants, and nobody else.”
“Very well, then,” sed the nigger, “ez I am only half Ham
or Cain, then uv course there's only half a cuss onto me, only
a quarter onto my wife, only an eighth onto my daughters,
only a sixteenth onto my daughters' children, and there's lots
uv niggers in this yer visinity wat hezn't got the thirty-second
or the sixty-fourth part uv it hangin to em. Guvner Bramlette
also sed suthin bout niggers bein degraded coz twuz
their nacher, didn't he, and that edducashen woodent do
for em?”
“Perfesser,” sed the tormentin Bigler, wich hed just whisky
enuff into him to be ugly, “I must remind you that the partikeler
babe and sucklin, out uv whose mouth yoor bein
immensely condemned, expex prompt ansers.”
I ansered that sich wuz the tenor uv the Guvner's remarks.
“Ef that's troo, why don't the mulattoes come up faster?
Ef it's the nateral stoopidity uv the nigger, the white man
ain't affected by it, and the mulatto only half. I am 'quainted
-- 381 --
[figure description] Page 381.[end figure description]
with the heft uv the people afore me, and I'll bet my last
year's wages, wich Deekin Pogram ain't paid yit, that half uv
em can't read any mor'n I kin. 'Pears to me I'd like to hev
Guvner Bramlette take the load off us for a year or two and
see whether we'd rise or not. We moutn't and then agin we
mout. But I ruther think its a leetle too much to put a millstone
on top uv a man and then kick him for not gettin up.”
“Bully!” sed Joe Bigler. “Go on! go on!”
“It ain't square playin to make laws agin our risin, to flog
us for hevin spellin-books, to make it a penitentiary offence to
learn to read, and to burn our skool-houses, and then because
we ain't just ready to enter college, to insist on't that we are
naterally incapable. And above all, ain't it presoomin a little
to charge it onto the Lord? Ain't yoo mistakin yoor own
work for hizzen? 'Praps ef Guvner Bramlette's father hed
bin flogg'd for wantin to learn to read, and Guvner Bramlette's
mother hed bin brought up ez a feeld hand, and the same
strategy hed bin practised on Guvner Bramlette's grandfather,
and great grandfather, and great, great grandfather, and great,
great, great grandfather, and his great —”
“Hold on, venerable,” sed Joe Bilger, “don't enumerate.
Jest say his ancestors, back to the identicle time they wuz
slaves to them Normans, wich held his projenitors jist ez
closely ez yoo've bin held, and it'll be suffishent.”
“I plead guilty to the big hands, flat nose, and bowd legs.
Possibly the first nigger hed em — possibly not. Ef Guvner
Bramlette's ancestors hed bin kept at the hoe, his hands wood
hev bin ez big ez mine; ef they'd borne burdens forever his
legs wood be bowed, and ef ther noses hed bin perpetooally
smasht hizzen wood be flatter than it is.”
“Hev yoo eny more questions to put to the Perfesser?”
sed Joseph.
“No,” replied the Ethiopian, “I hev sed my say.”
“Then,” sed this Bigler, “I dismiss this congregashun, with
this remark, that that nigger is under my protectin care, and
ef a single lock uv his wool is disturbed, I shel feel it a sollum
but painful dooty devolvin upon me, to put a ball into the carcass
uv each uv the offishls uv this Church, commencin with
the Paster, and continuin all the way down to the scribe.
Git!”
-- 382 -- p635-417
[figure description] Page 382.[end figure description]
And pell-mell the congregashen piled out — one over
another.
It will be necessary to dispose of Joe Bigler somehow. He
lost wat property he hed in the war, and is becoming exceedinly
loose in his talk. He can't be tolerated long.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n65* In the message of Governor Bramlette, of Kentucky, in 1867, the language
given in the text was, singular as it may now seem, actually used.
CXXX. MR. NASBY DOES THE × ROADS A SERVICE.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Janooary 20, 1867.
*There is peace in the Corners! It reigns here, it does,
with a sweetnis onparalleled since the Nashun launched out
onto the sea uv trubles, which very near engulfed her. It
come about thro me. Biznis in the Post Orfis don't engross all
my time. It don't take me very long to distribbit the paper
which Deekin Pogram takes, nor the cirklers uv the gift enterprises
which come here; neither does it consoom much uv my
valyooble time directin the letters enclosin dollars back to em,
besides which a good many uv em are insufficiently sealed,
and the money drops out; and bein conscientious to a fault, ez
I can't get em back into the right letters, why uv course I
don't send sich at all. The only trouble I hev is in explainin
why letters containin such remittancis don't reach their destinashen,
but that has its rewards. I invariably tell em that
the managers uv the enterprises are ablishn Yankees, and, uv
course they'd be swindld, which alluz intensifies their rage.
Ez I wuz sayin, I hev plenty uv time, and I put it in mostly
studyin the caracteristiks uv human nacher, ez developed in
-- 383 --
[figure description] Page 383.[end figure description]
men and niggers. While contemplatin a parsel uv niggers
one day, I follored em, and overheard their conversashen. I
wuz astonished! They wuz notifyin one another uv a meetin
to be held that nite in Pennibacker's barn, to which all wuz
expected to be present. Here, thot I to myself, is Guy
Fawkes! Here is conspiracy! Meetin! Wat rite hev niggers
to meet? And I hastened to Deekin Pogram, and told
him wat I had heerd.
“Nasby,” sed he, wringin my hand, “ef I ever doubted the
eternal fitnis uv things — the complete and entire adaptability
uv one class to another — that doubt is removed. Here am I,
a nigger owner — here are yoo, a Northern Dimocrat — a
bloomin eggsotic, ez I may say, wich hez took root in Southrn
sile. I never wood hev overherd them niggers! — no Southner
wood hev thot uv sneakin after em — for all sich work the
Northern Dimocrat is precisely fitted. It's wat they've alluz
done for us!
And he wrung my hand agin, and thanked me. I wuz too
much overcome with emoshen at the compliment he paid me to
reply. But we arranged the programme. We went to the
barn, and overturned a wagon so ez we cood git under it and
heer all that wuz sed without bein seen, and jest at nitefall the
Deekin and me ensconsd ourselves in our hidin place.
The niggers gathered, praps thirty on em, and opened the
meetin with prayer, in which exercise they hed the profanity to
pray for the Government uv the Yoonited States and sich, and
then the biznis commenst. It appears that they'd sent a man
North to find a locashen for em, ez they hed made up their
minds to run away from the blessins uv slavery wich we are
preparin to re-open to em, and this nigger hed arrived, and
they wuz assembled to hear his report.
“Brother Lee,” sed the ringleader to the returned nigger,
wich I knowd — he wuz nearly white, and wuz raised in
Virginia, and hed bin four years in the army, on the Fedral
side uv course, — “are yoo ready to report? Hev yoo found
the Promised Land?”
Brother Lee replied, that ef he understood wat wuz the
Ethiopian idee uv the “Promised Land,” he cood safely and
-- 384 --
[figure description] Page 384.[end figure description]
certainly say that he hedn't. He landed first in Philadelphy,
and bein sumwat wearied by the long ride, he took a seat in a
street-car which wuz empty. The condukter ordered him out,
but sposin he wuz in a State where there wuz ekal rites he
insisted on stayin, when the condukter and the driver bundled
him out by force. His coat, he observed, showin wher the
bloo blouse hed bin onskilfully mendid, wuz sumwat fraktered
in the skuffle.
At this narrashen the niggers groaned, and it wuz all I cood
do to keep the Deekin from hollerin halleloogy!
In Noo York State he didn't fare so well. He diskivered that
a decent nigger there isn't quite ez good ez a very ordinary
white man. He happened ther on 'leckshin day, and narrated
that he saw white men carried up to the poles so eggstremely
drunk that them ez hed em in charge hed to put the ticket
atween their fingers and anser to their names, while a 'spectable
nigger hed to show that he wuz worth some property afore
he wuz allowed to vote, and then a number uv gentlemen with
red faces and clubs made it so onpleasant that but few
attempted it.
The Deekin punched me in the ribs vociferously.
Next he went to Ohio, sposin, uv course, that a State so
extremely opposed to bondage wood be the place he wuz in
search uv. Agin he wuz disappointed. It wuz worse than it
wuz in Noo York, for the Ablishnists wuz a goin on the principle,
he rather guessed, uv doin justis without runnin agin
anybody's prejudises; or rather, uv lettin justice do herself,
for they don't make any move towards helpin her. There the
nigger uv no grade, no matter how much taxes he pade, or
how long he served in the army, wuzn't allowed a vote. The
Ablishinists, ez he understood, carried the State on the nigger
question, but wuz now afrade to tetch it for fear they'd lose it
agin. They've hed it, he remarked, twelve years, but hedn't,
ez yit, got all the people edjicated up to the pint uv doin wat
all the people knowd wuz rite.
His experience in the West wuz very similar. The Ablishnists
wuz everywhere very strongly in the majority, and every
wun uv 'em he talked with wuz in favor of givin the nigger
-- 385 --
[figure description] Page 385.[end figure description]
his rites, but they wuz all afraid ef they took hold uv it, they'd
be laid out by the Democracy, which wuzn't in the majority at
all. In Washington, wher Congress hez give the niggers a vote,
he wuz well treated, and it wuz the only place. A gentleman
who wants to run for Mayor next spring giv him his dinner,
and quite a number of others who wanted small offises did likewise,
but he woodent advise emigrashen there, for it's possible
that before the next elecshun Congress may conclude that
suffrage in the Deestrick will run 'em into the ground in the
States (their constituents, which are all Ablishnists, not bein
edjucated up to the pint), and repeel it.
The Deekin nudged me agin.
“Wat shel we do?” then sed the niggers, all in korious.
“Do!” sed the nigger, wich his name it wuz Lee, “do! grin
and bear it wher yoo are. Ez fo' me, ef I hed my five yeahs
back agin I shood do different. Liberty is a gift hoss, wich, ef
dis niggah hed it to do ober agin, he wood look in de mouth,
shoah. I shood want to know whedder, I bein a beggar, ef I
mounted it I shoodent ride to de devil. When I turned agin
Massa, and went into de servis, I wuz promised ef I behabed
like a man I shood be counted a man. I behabed like a man,
but wat now? Dar's de cibbel rites bill, which reads good, but
wha's de sogers to put it froo? Dar's all sorts ob laws, but
wha's de yoose ob em so long ez noboddy pays any tenshun to
em? I go Norf, wha de Ablishnists heb eberyting dah own
way, and I find de niggah is ez bad off dah ez he is heah, coz
de Ablishnis, which is de champions uv ekal rites, ain't eddicated
up to de pint uv bustin unekal laws. We can't stay heah
and git our rites — we can't go dah, coz ebry wun ob em will
tell yoo his nabor ain't eddicated up to de pint ob doin anything
but holdin de offises, and passin resolooshens dat dey
bleeve in de principles ob de Declarashen ob Independence,
wich principles reed bery well, but wat good is dey to me ef
dey ain't acted up to? Fo' fo'pence I'd go hang myself.”
They had other talk, and finally broke up, endin with a
prayer, the burden uv which wuz that the Lord wood find
some way to eddicate their friends North up to the pint.
Ez soon ez they wuz gone, the Deekin and I crawled out
-- 386 --
[figure description] Page 386.[end figure description]
from under the wagon, and I must say the old gentleman surprised
me. Dashin his hat on the ground, he execooted one
uv the most frantic Highland flings my eyes ever witnist. It
astonished me to see how recklis the old man wuz with his
legs. Finally, out uv breath, he subsided with a prolonged
shreek uv exultant joy.
“Why so jubilant, my venerable friend?” sed I.
“Nasby,” sed he, “it's better than I hoped for. The Ablishnists
bar em out — they ain't eddikated up to the pint, and
they drive em away. They make distinkshuns, and when the
nigger's distinkted aginst in part, he's precisely the material
uv which to make a servant unto his brethren. Ef the nigger
can't git all his rites in the North, he'd better be without any
uv em in the South. Up ther he hez all the cussitood uv bein
a free man, without any uv the indoosements; down here, ef
he ain't got any uv the blessins uv freedom he ain't any uv the
responsibilities. The nigger, uv course, will stay — he'd be a
cussed fool ef he didn't. Bless the Lord for the Ablishnists
wat ain't eddikated up to the pint!”
And the blessed old lunatic execooted another Highland
fling onto his hat. Sharin his enthoosiasm, ez I alluz do everyboddy's
I meet, that I may share whatever else they hev, we
went to Bascom's, wher, before we separated, we wuz eddikated
up to a pint, and considerable more. Bascom carried the Deekin
home on a wheelbarrer, at a little past one.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n66* The Republicans of the Northern States were very slow to crown the work
of Emancipation by making citizenship universal. In Ohio, radical as it was,
the proposition to amend the Constitution so as to give the colored man the
ballot, was voted down by an enormous majority.
-- 387 -- p635-422
CXXXI. AN IMPORTANT CASE AT THE CORNERS UNDER THE VAGRANT ACT. —THE DECISIONS OF 'SQUIRE GAVITT.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads, }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Janooary 28, 1867.
[figure description] Page 387.[end figure description]
*Wun uv the most important cases — important in a national
sense — ever tried afore a court uv justis, came off afore
Squire Gavitt yesterday. It was important, becoz it involved
the very existence uv the institution upon which Kentucky
is built — becoz, upon its decision hung the question whether
or not the Bible shood be respectid and its holy injunctions
obeyed — whether Kentucky shood, clingin to the Skripters,
go on ez a Christian State, or denyin it, go back into infidelity
and barbarism. I scasely need say that the porshens uv the
Bible to wich I refer, is the ever blessid chapters relatin to
Ham, Hager, and Onesimus — the only parts of the Skripter
we pay much attention to. But ef them is attacked successfully,
wat follows? The entire strukter comes tumblin to the
ground. Therefore, holdin to Afrikin slavery, we are orthodox
believers.
The circumstances uv the case wuz suthin like this: A nigger
uv the name uv Gabriel, wunst the happy and contented
servant uv that eminent Christian, Deekin Pogram, becum
possessed uv the spirit uv the devil, and sullen, becoz the
Deekin sold his wife to raise the means to send his second son,
Isaker, wich wuz a studyin for the ministry, to a Theolojikle
Institoot, somewhereas in Georgia. He run away in the fust
year uv the war, and follered the Federal army, finally enlisting
as a sojer. During the progress uv the struggle, he learned
to read, and bein powerful in prayer and sich, he headed a
revival, and hevin gifts that way, attracted the notis uv Genril
Howard, who hed him instructed, and finally made him an
-- 388 --
[figure description] Page 388.[end figure description]
agent uv a branch uv that accursid Freedmen's Burow. After
the war, he appeared in this vicinity, salaried by the society,
and commenst unfittin the niggers for their normal condishun
by teechin on em to read, and establishin Sunday skools among
em, wich wuz aginst the dignity and peace uv the commonwealth.
The citizens stood it with pashense ontil last Monday.
The Deekin hed a dispoot with a nigger relativ to a triflin
matter uv wages. The nigger hed bin workin at the stipulated
price uv $4 per month — the Deekin brought in, ez a offset,
his board at $2 per week; and ruther than hev any fuss about
it proposed to let him work the balance out durin the winter
months. To this ekitable arrangement the nigger demurred,
holdin that board wuz inclooded, and this Gabrel advised the
nigger to sue, and he did so.
Enraged at his interference, the Deekin went before Squire
Gavitt, and complained of Gabrel ez a vagrant, and employed
me to attend to the case. Pollock, the Illinoy storekeeper,
volunteered to defend the nigger, and there wuz a tremenjus
excitement over it.
I opened the case by statin that the nigger's biznis wuz to
prove that he hed vizable means uv support: Pollock insisted
that it wuz our biznis to prove that he hedn't, but the court
decided agin him.
The nigger then swore that he reseeved from his congregashen
$30 per month for services. I submitted that, ez he wuz
a interested party, other proof wood be required. Pollock
interdoost the elders of the congregashen, but I checkmated
him there, by submittin that the testimony uv niggers wuzn't
admissable, wich the court decided it wuzn't.
Immejitly Pollock submitted that whether or no his client
coodent be considered a vagrant, ez he cood testify himself to
the fact that he (Gabrel) hed in his house $200 in greenbax —
a suffishent support for a time, at least.
Ther wuz a immense eggscitement in the court.
“Wher duz he keep it?” asked the Squire, visibly agitated.
“In a chest at his house,” sed Pollock.
“This court stands adjourned for thirty minits,” sed the
Squire, boundin over the railin in front uv him. “Hold on,”
sez he; “hold on, Deekin; a fair start is all I want. Don't
-- 389 --
[figure description] Page 389.[end figure description]
take advantage uv my age to get ther first,” and pell-mell over
one another the entire audience, ceptin Pollock, the nigger,
and me, started on a keen run for the house. In a few minits
they returned, pantin and out uv breath, when the Squire
called the court to order again, wich bein restored, he remarked,
ef it cood be established that the nigger hed $200 in
greenbax it wood necessarily discharge him, ez no man with
that sum cood be considered a vagrant; but he thot ef the
prizner at the bar shood look in the direckshun uv his house,
he'd find it wuzn't ther any more, ez a house, the materyal uv
wich it wuz built wuz lyin permiskus. Likewise, probably, he
wooden't be able to find the $200 he hed in his chest. The
place that knowd it wunst will know it no more forever — it
hed been confiscated by the enraged citizens. He wanted it
understood that no such triflin impediment in the way uv justis
ez the possession uv $200 cood be allowed within the jurisdickshen
uv this court. The nigger not bein able to prove his
means uv support, and ez the court knowd uv its own knollege
that he ain't now got any $200, the court wood ask the criminal's
counsel wat other nonsense he hez to plead.
Sed Pollock, the Illinoy storekeeper, —
“I wood beg leave to state to this court that, under the
Civil Rites law, the defendant cannot be arrested ez a vagrant,
ez the law under wich the accused is arrested only menshuns
persons uv color, makin a distinkshen agin em.”
Never, while memry retains her seat, shel I forget the scene
that ensood. Filled with a sense uv the responsibility restin
onto him, the Squire rose slowly from his seat, his face uv a
deathly palenis, wich hed the effeck uv hightnin, by contrast,
the intense rednis uv his nose, and risin to his full hite, remarked
that the court hed expectid that objeckshen to be
urged, and hed, therefore, prepared fur it. That law doesn't
bind this court to any alarmin extent, considerin it ez infringin
onto the reserved rites uv the States.
“Will the court be so good ez to menshun, for the informashun
uv the populace, wat the reserved rites uv the States
are?” sez Pollock.
“The court insists that it shel not be interruptid when it's
deliverin itself uv an opinion. Considerin it ez infringin upon
-- 390 --
[figure description] Page 390.[end figure description]
the reserved rites uv the States, uv whom Kentucky is the
cheefest and the loveliest among ten thousand” — at this pint
his nose glowd redder, and it seemed to me ez tho a halo uv
lite encirkled his frosty head, ez he fearlessly continued —
“the court holds that law to be unconstooshnel, and ez
sich, shel not regard it. Hez the counsel anything more
to remark?”
“Nothin,” sed Pollock. “And knowin the court so well ez
I do, I wonder at my makin sich an ass uv myself ez to hev
remarkt anything at all.”
“Hez the counsel for the State anything to say?”
“Nothin,” sed I. “I am willin to trust the case in yoor
hands, feelin confident that justis — genooine Kentucky justis—
will be done.”
Whereupon the Squire hed the prizner stand up, and drawin
on a black cap, in a very impressive manner, sentenst him to
eighteen months hard labor, breakin stone on the turnpike, at
the conklushen uv wich Pollock very profanely added, “And
may the Lord hev mercy on your sole.”
The nigger wuz immejitly stript uv his good close, wich the
Squire thot wood just fit him, and a soot uv vagrant's close wuz
given him, and he wuz to-wunst put to his labor.
We hev hopes that this will end the nigger skools in this
vicinity, ez well ez the diskontent that hez eggisted among the
niggers ever since the disturbin Gabrel hez bin here. The
Corners is now enjoyin a holy calm — more so than any period
for a month.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n67* The people of Kentucky refused, for a long time, to recognize the acts
of Congress establishing the status of the negro. The courts disregarded
the provisions of the Civil Rights bill as recklessly as did 'Squire Gavitt.
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- 391 -- p635-428
CXXXII. MR. NASBY IS DESPATCHED BY THE PRESIDENT UPON A MISSION, SIMILAR TO THAT OF MR. McCRACKEN.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Febrooary 11, 1867.
[figure description] Page 391.[end figure description]
*It wuz a crooel necessity, after all, wich druv me into the
servis uv His Eggslency A. Johnson. Crooel, I say; for whenever
he hez a partikelerly mean piece uv work to perform,
suthin so inexpressibly sneakin that Seward nor Randall won't
undertake it, they alluz send for me. Welles is alluz willin;
but while he hez the disposishen to do anything in the line, he
lax the ability. The uthers, however, hev the ability to do anythin
and the disposishen to do most things, and therefore I hev
bin employed in only eggstreme cases.
The success wich attended McCracken's mishun, endin ez it
did in the resinin uv Motly, stimulated Seward to prossekute
similar researches into the actooal opinions uv the home crop
uv offisers regardin him, and his sooperior, A. Johnson. Randall
wuz applied to to take a tour among Post Masters and sich.
He declined the mishen indignantly, with the remark, “Is thy
servant a dog, or the son uv a dog, that he shood do this
thing?” And ez Welles isn't trusted out uv Washinton any
more, I wuz sent for.
The biznis required uv me wuz statid by Seward in his
usual loocid style. It wuz merely to cirkelate incognito (wich
is Latin for sneakin) among the recently appinted offis-holders,
and assertain ther views upon general politikle topics, but more
espeshally ther feelins toward the President and Sekretary uv
State. Jest ez I wuz startin, not at all pleased with the
mishen, Welles put in his oar. He wuz agoin to give me instrucshuns
ez to wat I wuz to do. Welles is a lunatik I never
-- 392 --
[figure description] Page 392.[end figure description]
cood abide, and I felt it my dooty to wither him. Transfixin
the venerable Sekretary with wun uv my most piercenist gazes,
I remarked, — “Sir! in imitashen uv the man who inflicted yoo
upon this country, wich wuz not the least uv his acts for wich
the country cusses him, I propose relatin a little anecdote.
Ther wuz wunst a man who wuz inebriatid; and that he might
present hisself in a state approximatin sobriety to the pardner
uv his buzzum, he wuz essayin to vomit, tryin thus to ease his
stumick uv the cause uv the onpleasantnis therein; but he
coodent do it. He heaved and heaved, but there wuz no
result. At this critikle period another man approacht, who
remarked, kindly, that ef he desired to vomit, his best holt
wood be to run his finger down his throat. The drunk individooal
looked up indignant at this unwarranted interference
with his constooshnel rites. `Blast yoor eyes, sir,' sed
he, `are yoo or me bossin this yer puke?'
“This, Sekretary Welles, is the anecdote. I respeck the
posishun yoo hold, and dislike sayin anythin disagreeable; but,
sir, this is a puke, and I propose to boss it myself.”
I startid to-wunst, and found things in a highly mixed condition.
The followin is compiled from my reports: In Noo York
the Postmasters generally are sound. The crops wer poor last
year; and all kinds uv biznis bein dull, the Postmasters are
generally anxious to hold on. They are, therefore, outspoken
in their support uv the coz. Them ez wuz men uv good
standin and relijusly inklined, before the rupcher between
the President and the party wich redoost him, say but very
little in publick, and that little they don't say very long. They
generally can't see that ther is any partikeler differense
between the President's plan and the plan uv Congress, and
ther bein so little, Congress ought to yeeld for the sake uv
peace. The Dimokrats, holdin sich places, are loud enough in
support uv the Administrashen; but, good Heaven! the endorsement
uv sich men is too heavy a load for any party to
carry. Now, that I think uv it, I hev at last solved the mystery
uv our wide-spread defeat last fall. In some deestricks
the Dimocrisy found Johnson too heavy a load too carry, and in
the others the Johnson men found the Dimokrisy too heavy a
load to carry.
-- 393 --
[figure description] Page 393.[end figure description]
In Ohio, the first place I stopt at wuz Oberlin, the place
where the nigger college is located at. I regret to say that
the Postmaster at that pint is a rantin Ablishnist; and in the
two hours I wuz ther, I coodent find a Conservative Republikin
who wood take it. I got one nearly perswadid; but jest ez he
wuz about to consent, his wife fell a weepin onto his buzzum,
and with tetchin pathos, wantid to kno ef he wuz willin, for
sich small pay, to leave sich a tarnisht name to the four children
now born to em and the wun wich wuz expectid? He
repentid and refoosed. I don't investigate ez fully ez I might,
for ther ain't a drop uv likker sold ther; and ez my flask give
out, I felt that doo considerashen for my health woodent permit
my stayin another hour. I recommend the abolishen uv the
office, or the establishment uv a grosery, with a bar in the back
room, ez a nukleus around wich the Dimocrisy kin rally.
The next place I cum to I found the Postmaster a suspishus
character — very suspishus. Whenever he is drunk he speaks
very highly uv the Sekretary uv State, but when sober he
avoids politikle matters. I sejest a raise in the salary uv the
offis, that he kin afford to keep drunk all the time.
At the next pint I interdoost myself ez a English nobleman
in disguise, studyin Amerikin manners and customs, and menshuned
carelessly that I hed bin to Washinton, and hed bin
presentid to the President and Sekretary uv State. The Postmaster
wuz vizably affectid. Glancin furtively around to see
that no one wuz lookin, he remarked in a low tone: “My deer
sir, don't, I beg uv yoo, form yoor idea uv the public men uv
Ameriky from them specimens. Don't, I beg. The first, sir,
is a accident — sich a man cood never hev bin made on purpose.
The second wuz suthin, in his earlier years; but now, sir, now—
he's a degradid old man,” and he bustid into tears. “Bein
determined to hold onto his place, he tried at fust to bring the
President up to his level; but that bein impossible, he deliberately
let hisself down to the level uv the President, and the
distance, sir, wuz so great, the Sekretary bein suthin, that the
shock, sir, undoubtedly knockt his intelleck out uv him, for he
ain't displayed any since. May the Lord forgive Willyum
H. Seward for the shipwreck he made uv his reputashen,
for —”
-- 394 --
[figure description] Page 394.[end figure description]
At this pint the poor man stopt. I happened to pull out my
hankercher, and in doin so dropt upon the floor a piece uv
paper, wich he seed. It read: —
“Petroleum V. Nasby, Dr.
“To G. Bascom.
| “To drinks doorin the month uv Janooary at 10 cents per drink, |
$30 00.” |
He looked at my face, and seein that that bill reely b'longed
to me, fell faintin onto the floor, shreekin, “I'm McCrackened.”
I leave the case in the hands uv the Cabinet.
Another man openly defied me. He wantid me to take the
offis off his hands. His children, he sed, wuz made mouths at
and skoffed at, at skool, becoz ther father, wich hed bin a
Republikin, held a Fedral offis, and his wife wuz defeeted for
President uv the Sewin Sosiety, a posishen she hed alluz held,
on the same akkount. He hed stood it long enuff. Ef he
coodent git it off his hands, he'd commit sooicide, and by thus
puttin hisself out uv the way, make his abuzed family the only
reparashen in his power. I sejest that he be removed. Sich
talk may be safely set down ez incendiary.
Another hed the highest possible opinion uv the President,
and worshipt the Secretary. He considered his plan uv reconstruction
the best wich cood hev bin devised by mortal wisdom.
He hed vainly striven to git a nominashen for an offis from the
Republikin party for years, but failed, owin to a lack uv confidence.
He wood hev jined the Democracy; but ez they wuz
hopelessly in the minority, it woodent hev helped him. He
considered Johnson's idea uv fillin the offises with Republikins
bully, ther bein so few uv that persuasion who'd take em, and
he didn't want any accessions to the party. Ther wuz now jist
enuff to hold the offises in control uv the President, and them
wuz all the offises they cood git any how. I sejest that he be
continyood. He isn't discreet; but we can't expect all the
virchoos at so small a price. None uv us is perfeck — I spose
I hev my failins.
I shel continyoo my investigashens, tho it is dredful tryin
labor. Goin, ez I do, thro Abolition sections, I hev to cary
my own whisky; and ez sad experience hez demonstrated,
quart flasks won't do. Sometimes I hev to lay in one uv them
-- 395 -- p635-432
[figure description] Page 395.[end figure description]
towns for three hours. I respeckfully submit, that arrangements
be made for the transportashen uv a keg uv sustenance
to accompany me; otherwise, I shel peremptorily resine. At
my time uv life my regeler supplies is necessary.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n68* In 1867 an emmisary of President Johnson prowled through Europe for the
purpose of ascertaining the feeling of our representatives at the various courts
respecting the President's policy. It was this McCracken, it will be remembered,
who brought about the resignation of Mr. Motley.
CXXXIII. MR. NASBY'S BOARD COMMENCE THE COMPILATION OF A SERIES OF SCHOOL BOOKS FOR THE “INSTITOOT. ”
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Febrooary 20, 1867.
The Institoot is a success Contribushens flow in slowly but
shoorly, — fast enuff indeed to give each uv the Board a noo
soot uv close; and we, espeshelly, who hev the fust handlin
uv that money, sevral other comforts. But that corner-stun
troubles us. Sum hundreds uv people saw that a bottle uv likker
and a greenback wuz deposited under it, and regerly every
nite it's bin overturned by persons in serch uv them relics.
At great expense we built onto it a section uv wall; but makin
no account uv our expenditoor, they overturned it. We then
histed a sign-board bearing this legend: “The whisky is gone,
and the greenback also,” signed by the Board; but one half uv
the citizens uv that lokality don't read, and tother didn't hev
the nessary confidence in the truthfulness uv the Board to
prevent em from goin for the artikles, tho the very knowlege
uv us wich brot about this state uv disbelief, shood, wun wood
suppose, hev taught em that the greenback and likker coodent
possibly be there after so long a period hed ensood. So, ez a
last resort, we stuck two posts in the ground and drawd an
iron chain over it. That got em. Force is about the only
thing uv any account in this country.
The Board met last nite at the Post Offis, wich, ontil we git
-- 396 --
[figure description] Page 396.[end figure description]
the Institoot built, will be the headquarters uv the Trustees,
to consider the propriety uv publishin a series uv skool books,
adaptid especially to the Southern intelleck, and calculated to
keep alive in the minds uv the buddin yooths uv the late Confederacy,
wich is unfortunately deceest, a lively opinion uv
themselves and a corresponding hatred uv Noo England and
the North generally. We hev hed serious doubts whether
proper ideas cood be instilled into a youth from a book written
by a Boston man, and printed in Cincinnati.
I submitted to the Board a example for a noo Arithmetic,
to wit: —
“A Yankee sent a substitoot into the Federal army at a cost
uv $1000, passing off onto him two counterfeit ten dollar notes.
To make up the expenditoor, he to-wunst swindles a innocent
Kentuckian out uv $100 in a patent rite, a Alabamian out uv
$200 in a Western land trade, and the balance he makes up by
sellin wooden nutmegs, wich he turns out uv basswood at a
profit uv 4 cents per one. The grate moral question is, how
many nutmegs must this ingenius but unprincipled cuss
manufaktur, and how long does it take him, with the improoved
machinery, they hev to do it?
“The Southern soljers, at the battle uv the first Bull Run,
captured 18 Federals, one uv whom hed upon his person
$12 in greeenbax, and tothers $8 each. How many uv Johnson's
Postmasters cood be bought with the proceeds uv the
capcher?”
Deekin Pogram approved uv these examples; but he kept
insistin that there wuzn't enuff in em to fire the Southern
heart. The Southern heart wuz a perpetooal funeral pile
wich needid continyooal firin. Onless fired it wuz a gloomy
mass uv very onsightly black cinders. He proposed that the
forthcoming book shood be coal oil on the slumberin embers uv
the yoothful Southern heart. He hed a example: —
“The battle uv Chickamauga wuz fought a certain number
uv miles from Chattanooga. One regiment uv Confedrit soljers
druv a division uv Fedral mercenaries into the town. Allowin
that each Fedral, ez well ez Confedrit, hed two legs, how many
more steps did the Fedrals take to get em into Chattanooga,
where they wuz comparatively safe from Confedrit
-- 397 --
[figure description] Page 397.[end figure description]
rage and valor, and sich, than it did the Confedrits to drive
em thar?”
Bascom remarkt that he hed one wich he felt it his dooty to
propose: —
“A strickly conscienshus grocery keeper starts in biznis
worth four hundred dollars in clean cash. He pays for his
whiskey two dollars per gallon in Looisville, and hez for a
reglar customer a Postmaster, wich drinks forty or sixty times
per day, and alluz tells him to `jist chalk it down.' Required
the length uv time nessary to bust him under them afflictin
circumstances?”
Bascom remarkt that long before the book appears in print,
he wood be able to furnish the anser to that little problem. Considerin
the example a dig direct at me, I wuz uv a noshen to
retort; but ther wuz sich a look uv injerd innosense onto
Bascom's countenance that reely I coodent. Suthin must be
done for Bascom, — I hev lived onto him too long. The next
contribushen I reseeve from frends North shel be devoted to
liquidating, in part, the debt I owe him. I cood bust him, by
not givin him at least cost for his likker; but wat follows?
There's the rub. Wood he who come after give me credit?
Better bear the ills we hev than fly to them to wich we hevn't
bin interdoost.
Joe Bigler, the drunken Confedrit soljer, happened in, and
heard the last two examples, and remarkt that he cood furnish
any number uv examples at site. We never stop Joseph in
anything he perposes to do, for he hez a habit uv carryin a
navy revolver slung to him. Joseph wuz permitted to perceed.
“Ef a Southern man pants for his rites, and fites four years
for em, gittin licked like the devil, how long after is it advisable
for him to continyoo to pant, pervidid he didn't know at the
beginnin wat his rites wuz?
“Ef a Southern soljer kin whip five Northern soljers, why in
bloody thunder, they hevin hed a suffishency uv opportoonities
uv doin it, didn't the South gain her independence?
“Ef fitin four years, and loosin every doggoned cent's
worth uv property a man hed wuz profitable biznis, how many
struggles for independence wood a man uv modrit means be
justified in goin thro with?
-- 398 --
[figure description] Page 398.[end figure description]
“Ef two gallons and a half uv Kentucky whisky kin be got
from a bushel uv corn, how many Democratic voters, takin
young men ez they run, kin be manufaktured from the produck
uv an aker uv good land in a modrit year for corn?
“A high-toned shivelrous Virginian, twenty years ago, hed a
female slave wich wuz ez black ez a crow, and worth only
$800. Her progeny wuz only half ez black ez a crow, and her
female grandchildren wuz suffishently bleached to sell in Noo
Orleans for $2500 per female offspring. Required, 1st. The
length uv time nessary to pay off the Nashnel debt by this
means. 2d. The number uv years nessary to bleach the cuss
of color out uv the niggers uv the United States
“A. Johnson hed the idea uv carryin a certin number uv
deestricks, by speekin in em with Seward, all uv wich gave
increased majorities agin him. Required the number uv miles
uv travel, and the number uv repetitions uv the speech, to
enable him to carry out his policy?
“Ef two nips at Washinton wuz suffishent to perdoose the
speech at the inaugerashen on the 4th uv March, 1865, how
many must have bin slung into A. J. to perdoose the 22d uv
Febrooary effort, and how many must be hev taken between
Washinton and St. Louis?”
“These examples,” sed Joseph, “I consider nessary for this
book; and ef it is published without em I shel take it ez a
personal affront, for which I shel hold the Board personelly
responsible. The Southern yooth must be properly instructed—
my orphans must hev proper notions instilled into em, and
these examples is nessary to that end. Let this Board remember
that, when this book is publisht, ef these examples is not
in them, they hev me to settle with.”
And Joseph departed. We are in a quandary. We dare
not publish the book without his examples, for he alluz keeps
his word, and is a ugly cuss to deal with; and uv course puttin
em in coodent be thought uv. We finally decided that Joseph
must be got out uv the way ez soon ez possible, and therefore
votid that Bascom give him unlimited credit at his bar for a
week, chargin the same upon the account uv the Institoot. I
know that a free run at his barrels would finish me or any one
uv the Board in that time. Happy Bigler! He hez at least
-- 399 -- p635-436
[figure description] Page 399.[end figure description]
one satisfactry week afore him, — I cood almost wish the
Board wood try it on me. It wood be a short but glorious
career.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
CXXXIV. MR. NASBY DESIRES CONFIRMATION. — IS ADVISED HOW TO PROCEED BY THE PRESIDENT, BUT REJECTS THE PROPOSITION WITH SCORN.
Washington, D. C., March 20, 1867.
*Washington agin! What changes hev been made in the
last two years! Not in Washington, for this deliteful abode
uv official purity hezn't changed a particle, nor never will.
From the summit uv Willard's Hotel I kin see now, ez I did a
year ago, the same signs uv “steamed oysters;” the Capitle,
in front, towrin over the trees at the tother end uv the avenue,
and behind, the Patent Offis and Post Offis buildings; the first
the Mecca uv every Dimokrat, and the tother uv every
Yankee who comes here. No! Washington ain't changed,
but I hev. Formerly, when I visited Washington, it wuz tite
times with me. Willard's wuz my hotel then ez now. In them
days, before the happy return uv A. Johnson to reason put
some thousands uv Democrats, who hed more stumic than
money, and more appetite than small change, into offis, and,
per consekence, into condition to pay their bills, I wuz a guest
at this hotel; which is to say, I slept on the steps uv the
Capitol, and took, or tried to take, my meals at Chadwick's
bountiful board. Ef I hed no currency, I hed taste; and ez I
-- 400 --
[figure description] Page 400.[end figure description]
wuz foragin for subsistence, I alluz made it a pint to forage on
the richest paster fields. It's ez easy to cheek a first class
dinner ez it is a second class; and besides, I felt that sich a
hotel ez Willard's wuz better able to stand sich boarders ez I
wuz than them of less patronage. I kept away from the
tother hotels out of sympathy for the proprietors. Never shel
I forget my last visit here. I hed run the dinin-room guardian
angel for a week, and wuz congratulatin myself on another
week at least, when the landlord stopped me hisself, and the
follerin conversashen ensood: —
“My friend,” sed he, in winnin tones.
“Davis, Garret, is my name!” sez I, promptly.
“We hear enuff,” sez he. “Listen! I've let you run a
week, coz it's my regler practis. Yoo hed a hungry look, but
by this time yoo ought to be filled up and able to go at least a
week without eatin. Ez yoo ain't uv no earthly yoose to any
body, and make no pretensions to bein ornamental — Git!” and
three well-directed kicks landed me onto the sidewalk.
But I hev forgiven him. He treats me well. He hez confidence
in me now, ez I hev paid my board in advance. It's a
rool he hez, he jocosely remarked, with men of my peculiar
cast uv countenance, to hev em pay in advance. He says it's
much the best way. After payin, sich men ez me feel more
comfortable about the house, and so do the proprietors. It's
me that is changed, — I hev money to pay my bills. Bless the
Lord for Seward, Johnson, Randall, and other luxuries!
But pleasant ez it is to contrast my former posishen with my
present proud one, I hev not time to dwell upon reminiscences.
Life is short; I am a practical man; and tho it may be pleasant
to linger for a moment onto memry's pleasant fields, I cannot.
My biznis in Washington is precisely what every Democrat's
biznis here is, to get confirmed. It ain't no trouble for a
Kentucky Dimecrat to git appinted, for the President hez so
far relaxed his rules in this pertikeler ez to appint them ez
wuzn't never in the Confedrit army; but to get confirmed is the
pinch. There's the gauntlet uv a Ablishen Senit to run; and,
good Lord, wat a knowlege they hev uv the out-goins and
in-comins of the appintees!
The President and Postmaster-General Randall wuz
-- 401 --
[figure description] Page 401.[end figure description]
extremely anxious for my confirmation, so much so, that they
advised me to resort to the strategy now so common in the
North.
“Go back on me for the time bein,” sed that trooly great
and good man who adorns the sofas in the Presidenshul Manshen.
“Wilcox em. That's yoor only holt: Wilcox em. I
advised him to do it, and see how it worked.”
“My dear sir,” sed I, carried away by this new and onexpected
development uv greatness, “kin yoo bear to hev me
who bears yoor banner in Kentucky bend the knee to a
Ablishen Senit, and repoodiate yoo, even for a hour? It is
safe in my case, for my nateral affinities are with yoo, but don't,
I beg uv yoo, advise all uv em to do so. My deer sir, two
thirds uv em will go out for confirmashen, and, ef successful,
will forgit to return.”
But the great and good Johnson wood take no denials.
“Draw up,” sed he, “a letter to a conservative member uv
Congress, explainin yoor connection with me, and —”
And overkum with emoshen, he bust into tears.
Sadly I undertook the task, and after four hours uv intense
labor, the followin wuz completed: —
“Hon. —, House uv Reps.
“My dear Sir: My confirmashen by the Senit uv the
Yoonited States to the posishen uv Postmaster at the Confederit
× Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, bein somewhat
jeopardized by my operashuns in the politikle field doorin
the past two years, I hev the honor to explain that, notwithstandin
the fact that I wuz a original Demokrat, early in the
war I took up arms for the preservashen uv our beloved
Yoonion. The precise date I cannot give, owin to the demoralized
condishen uv my mind at the time; but that yoo
can assertane for yoorselves. It wuz about two weeks after
the fust draft. That I laid down arms agin ez soon ez the
regiment struck Southern sile will not, when the motives wich
actooated me are known, be allowed to weigh agin me. It hez
bin sed I deserted to the enemy, — so it wuz sed uv John
Champe, but history subsekently vindicated him; he went to
ketch Arnold. I will not stop to reply to my defamers; but
-- 402 --
[figure description] Page 402.[end figure description]
ef it comes out finally that I went for the purpose uv satisfyin
rebels by okular demonstrashun that they hed nothin to hope
for from the Northern Democrats, uv whom I am a average
specimen, what kin my enemies say then?
“I do not deny that I wuz a ardent supporter uv President
Johnson from the beginning uv his career. I wuz filled with
a drafted man's magnanimity toward a conkered foe, and up to
the very day I reseeved my commishen I favored consilatory
measures. I accompanied him on his — I will not say disgraceful,
for he is my sooperior officer — tour thro the Northern
States, and slung my hat higher nor anybody else's at his—
I will not say drunken, for reasons above mentioned —
speeches, and aboozed the highly intelligent populaces at
Cleveland, Injeanapolis, Springfield, and other pints, in a manner
wich, now that I think uv it, wuz trooly shameful. Also, I
organized the Postmasters uv various Northern States into
a Johnson party, and vigorously supported members uv Congress
pledged to the policy uv wich I wuz, at the time, a
deceeved supporter. About this time I wuz appointed Postmaster;
and, findin I needed confirmashen, my views undergoed
a radical change. Time and observashen hev taught me
that instid uv consiliashen, coershen is our best holt; and that
now military measures are necessary in the South ontil them
rebellyus people completely acquiesce in terms imposed by
Congris for restorashen. My views on this interestin topic is
best defined by the recent speeches uv Hon. Charles Sumner,
the eminent and trooly great Senator from the enlitened State
uv Massachusetts, and also by the recent utterances uv them
lovable Representatives, Thadeus Stevens, uv Pennsylvania,
and General Butler, uv Massachoosetts, in all uv whose sentiments,
sich as they hev now, and also them ez they hev alluz
hed, as well ez them which they may hereafter hev, I most
heartily and entirely concur.
“With this explanation, wich I hope will prove entirely
satisfactory, and with the addishnel asshoorance that I am
now a very warm supporter of the Congressional policy, and
that when I look back and see what I hev bin a doin for the
past two years, I so loathe myself that I kin hardly be
-- 403 --
[figure description] Page 403.[end figure description]
restrained from sooisidin, may I ask you to personnaly urge my
confirmation in the Senit?
“Trooly and Respectfully Yours,
“Petroleum V. Nasby.”
I read this epistle to A. Johnson, who wuz pleased to
approve it, and also to Randall, who wuz delited with it, and to
Welles, who, after forcing me to read it twice over, wanted to
know if it had anything to do with the Navy Department, and
then returned to the President with my mind fully made up
that I never would send that document.
“Wat?” sed he, startin back astonished, “not send it?”
“Never!” sed I. “Never! Sich things may do for Postmasters
and Assessors wich you took from the Republican
ranks, but not for me. I hev done many things wich perhaps
woodn't hold out sixty pounds to the bushel — I voted for
Peerce and likewise for Bookannon, and supported em in all
their various dooins, besides other things too tejus to menshun;
but my sensitive soul recoils at this, — my proud
stumick revolts. I leave it for yoor Custers and Wilcoxes
and sich, — no Kentucky Dimokrat kin. Let them refooze to
confirm me at their peril. I am the only Dimocrat in ten miles
who kin write, and they dare not, by turning me out, deprive
Kentucky, wich never seceded, uv mail facilities.”
“Brave man!” exclaimed Johnson, in a husky voice, and his
eyes suffused with tears, fallin onto my neck and weepin profoosely
down my back, “let em reject yoo. Ef they do, I
pledge yoo my word, and will give yoo sekoority now if yoo
desire it, that yoo shell hev a partnership with Mrs. Cobb, or
Mrs. Perry, wich is worth a score uv post offices.”
I hev allus noticed that virchoo is its own reward. By bein
troo, wot a feeld is now open to me. Let the Senit do its
worst.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n69* It was easy enough in 1866-7 for a Republican of any prominence, who was
willing to support Johnson, to get an appointment, but how to secure confirmation
by the Senate was the rub. Many men of easy virtue, accomplished the
desired confirmation by abandoning Johnson, after the appointment was made.
Wilcox and Custar were two of the most prominent examples.
-- 404 -- p635-441
CXXXV. MR. NASBY TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 25, 1867.
[figure description] Page 404.[end figure description]
“Backerd, turn backerd, O Time, in yoor flite,” is the fust
line uv a song wich I heerd not long since. Wood that Time
cood perform that back ackshen feat, and get us all back wher
we wuz six years ago. But Time can't. Time is a perpetooal
moshen, wich must go on and on, and wich can't never retrace
her steps.
The situashen ain't pertickelerly agreeable jist now. It
hezn't a joocy look, nor does it promise an improvement in
the future. The confidence uv the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky
is shaken to the extent that it's lost its equilibrium, and
totters to its centre. When it falls, I shel be found under
the rooins.
The passage of the Military Law may be sed to be the last
feather wich reely ought to break the Kentucky camel's back.
It's the deepest stab at constooshnel liberty and ekal rites,
inezmuch ez it not only blasts forever the hopes uv re-establishin
slavery, but gives the nigger all the rites and privileges
enjoyed by white men. We, who are chiefly interested, are
not to be consulted in the matter. Fedral hirelins, whose very
presence is pizen to the people uv these States, are to be quartered
onto us to see that “justis” — wat holler mockry! — is
done to em. The governments established by Androo Johnson
is overturned ef they don't play the fiddle to military satraps,
and accept the Constooshnel Amendment, wich perhibits
them who wuz our champions in the late effort to destroy a
government wich we hatid, from takin hold uv it agin and
runnin it. Wuz ther ever sich a mixter uv injustis and perscripshen?
Wuz ther ever sich severity? Wuz ther ever
sich a lack uv magnanimity? And all this time where is Johnson?
He vetoed these bills, — but wherefore? He knowd
that the Rump Congress hed a majority uv two thirds, and
cood pass em over his veto; why, then, when they set his
-- 405 --
[figure description] Page 405.[end figure description]
authority at defiance, didn't he rise in his might and disperse
em? Where, too, wuz the Dimocrisy uv the North? Where
are they in this crisis, when our dearest rites is bein shiprecked
on the iron-bound rocks uv despotism? Why don't
they rally, ez they threatened, and demand that Johnson shel
hurl them levelers from their usurped seats, and restore peace,
on sich terms ez we shall consider ekitable, to this wunst
happy, but now distracted, country. Alas! they hevn't time.
I see them who breathed so much vengence and slawtrins
afore Johnson hed offices to dispose uv, a neglectin us, and a
runnin about gittin signatoors to applicashens for Post Offises,
and hollerin to us ez they ketch their breath, —
“Accept the condishens — git back into the Yoonion, that
we may elect the President in 1868, who'll give us all the
patronage!”
Their noosepapers all shreek, —
“Accept, and get back into the Yoonion, that we may elect
the next President, who'll give us all the patronage!”
And that ain't the worst uv it. Them wich we bought up
with appintments diskivered on a sudden that a Abolition Senit
hed to confirm em, and to sekoor that they hev gone back
onto us. Custer is a shinin example, Wilcox is another, and I
mite menshun hundreds uv others who hev slid back in the
same manner.
Troy wuz taken by the strategy uv the Greeks, who exposed
a wooden horse, in the bowels uv wich wuz conceeled armed
men, wich the verdant Troys pulled inside their gates. Androo
Johnson wuz the wooden horse wich wuz sent into our
camp by the Ablishnists, and the offices wuz the armed men
in his bowels. They hev bin our rooin. So long ez they wuz
in the dim distance, the Democracy wuz hungry and feroshus,
and capable uv almost anythin — so soon ez they got em, they
become quiet ez lambs. The Postmaster who holds a commishn
sez to himself, “Wherefore shel I bust the Government
under wich I hev a place? Kin I git another under the new
one?” and he yells to us, “Accept the terms!” We capchered
the camp uv the enemy, but are demoralized by the
plunder we found. It's the old trick, over agin, these offices,
which the white men yoost to play onto the Injins, to wit: —
-- 406 --
[figure description] Page 406.[end figure description]
evacuatin a posishen and leavin a barrel uv whiskey behind,
knowin that the Injin's instincts, like them uv a Kentucky
Dimokrat's, wood lead him to git blind drunk, and make him a
easy prey to the skelpin knife. The offisis wuz the whiskey
wich intoxicated our braves; and our skelps, so to speek, hang
at the belts uv our enemies. Sumner hez many, Thad Stevens
hez many, and Butler is a gatherin uv em with a rapidity wonderful
to behold.
But wat marks the demoralizashen uv the Dimocrisy the
most, is the follerin extract wich I cut from the Noo York
World, wunst our trusted organ.
“As regards the popular notion of the odor of the negro, it
may be positively stated that he, in this respect, is like the
white, — a clean negro bein free from it, and a foul one
cursed by it.”
Ef this be troo — ef the nigger don't stink, then Noah got
drunk, and Ham wuz cust, in vane — then Paul sent back
Onesimus for nothin, and Hager is uv no more interest to the
Dimocrisy than any other female who hez bin dead several
thousand years. The Dimocratic party wuz built upon this
stink; and ef that corner-stun is knocked out, the temple falls,
and buried all beneath its rooins who are sheltered under it,
uv whom I am the cheefest and the loveliest among ten
thousand.
At one fell swoop the wind is knockt out uv the sales uv the
Northern Dimocrisy. Wat is the nigger now to them ef he
does not stink? “Popler noshen,” indeed! Trooly it wuz a
popler noshen. That stink led hundreds uv thousands uv
Democrats by the nose. That “odor” — ez the writer styles
it — wuz our best holt, and wun wich wuz everything to us.
That stink wuz all that elevated the Demokrat over the nigger—
that wuz our mark of sooperiority. We, at times, wuz not
uv the precise odor uv Nite-bloomin serious. A Democratic
mass convenshen, when in a tite room, with two stoves in it,
wuz not the most odorous gatherin in the world; but we
thanked God continyooally that the smell wich ariz ez the
room got hot wuz not the pecooliar aroma uv the nigger, and
we wuz comforted. But this writer redooses the whole thing
-- 407 --
[figure description] Page 407.[end figure description]
— the whole difference between the nigger and a Democrat —
to a matter of color and cleanliuess.. Wat heresy! Wat
iconaclasm! (this last word meanin, I believe, idol breakin, or
suthin uv that sort). Ef this be troo, then in the nite time, a
nigger with his feet washed is better than a Democrat! For one,
now I care not ef Dr. Cummins' “Last Warnin Cry” be trooly
the last. I'm sorry that he rented his house for ninety-nine
years, ez it hez a tendency to destroy my faith in his beleef
that the world is about peggin out. The sooner Gabrel blows
his horn the better I shel be sooted.
Here agin this matter uv State offisis comes in. The Dimocrisy
uv Noo York see that nigger suffrage is inevitable, and
to sekoor their share uv it, they're biddin in time; forgettin
that while they're acheevin a temporary success on that side
uv the cirkle we're losing all control uv the niggers on this.
Wat did the South ever care for Dimokratic successes, 'ceptin
ez it bolstered up their niggers?
I'm discouraged. I see afore me trouble. I see but one or
two streeks uv lite on my horizon. Ohio won't let her niggers
vote no how, and sum other States are in the same fix, and
possibly this ackshen may be the sign uv returnin reason.
Ohio may, after all, be the rock agin wich the waves uv
fanatakism may beet in vane, and conservatism, gatherin
strength there, may finally assert itself elsewhere. May the
Lord send it, for ef this thing goes on, I'm a lost and rooined
man.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
-- 408 -- p635-445
CXXXVI. MR. NASBY, IN IMITATION OF WADE HAMPTON, TRIES TO CONCILIATE THE AFRICAN.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 28, 1867.
[figure description] Page 408.[end figure description]
I hev made many sudden and rather 'strordinary changes
in politix — some so very sudden that the movement perdoost
conjestion uv the conshence. I rekollect wunst uv advokatin
free trade and high protective tariff, all within twelve hours
(I made a speech in a agricultooral deestrik uv Noo York in
the forenoon, at 10 A. M., and in a manufacturin town in Pennsylvany
in the evenin, our platform bein so construktid that
both sides cood find a endorsement in it), and hev performed
many other feats uv moral gymnastiks; but this last change I
hev bin called upon to make is probably the suddenest. Last
week Toosday, Deekin Pogram, Captain McPelter, and I, wuz
engaged in riddin the Corners uv niggers. We hed endoord
em ez long ez we thot possible, and determined on standin it
no longer. Selectin three, wich we wuz satisfied hed too much
spellin-book into em to be enslaved agin, we wuz preparin
notises to be served onto em, orderin em to leave in twenty-four
hours, when I reseeved in the northern mail a letter
marked “Free — Alex. W. Randell, P. M. G.” I knowd it wuz
offishel to-wunst — that blessid signatoor is on my commisshun,
and I've contemplatid it too often to be mistaken in it. Its
contents wuz brief, and run thus: —
“To all Postmasters in the Southern States: The niggers
hev votes — consiliashen is our best holt. See to it.”
This breef, tho not hard to be understood order, wuz sealed
with the offishel seal uv the Post Offis Department, stampt into
putty instid uv wax, to wit: a loaf of bread, under a roll uv
butter, with ten hands a grabbin at it. I comprehended the
situation at site, and set about doin my dooty with Spartan
firmness. “Deekin,” sez I, tearin up the notises, “these niggers
we hev misunderstood. They are not a inferior race —
they are not descendants uv Ham and Hager — it wuzn't Paul's
-- 409 --
[figure description] Page 409.[end figure description]
idea in sendin back Onesimus to condemn him to servitood —
we hev misunderstood the situation, and must make amends.
The nigger is devoid uv smell, and is trooly a man and a
brother!”
“Wat?” said the Deekin, tippin back in amazement.
“Jest wat I say,” sez I. “Read that,” and I flung him the
letter.
The upshot uv the conference wich follered wuz the callin
uv a meetin the next nite, at wich all the Ethiopians uv the
Corners wuz invited and urged to be present.
The trouble wuz to git the niggers to attend the meetin.
The fust one I spoke to lafft in my face, and askt me how long
it wuz sence I hed helped hang a couple uv niggers, by way
uv finishin off a celebrashen. Pollock, the Illinois storekeeper,
got hold uv it, and told Joe Bigler, and Joe swore that ef the
niggers hedn't any more sense than we give em credit for, in
sposin we cood bamboozle em so cheep, he shood go back to
the old beleef, to wit: that they wuz only a sooperior race uv
monkeys, after all; and by nite every nigger in the visinity
wuz postid thoroughly, and out uv all uv em I cood only git
four who would promise to attend, and them the Deekin hed to
pay $2 apiece to. To give it eclaw I promised one uv em $5
(to be paid at the close uv the meetin) to sit on the stand with
me, wich, bein a very poor man, and hevin a sick wife in a
shanty near by, who wuz suffering for medicine (wich he
coodent git without money), he accepted.
At this pint an idee struck me. I remembered Philadelfy,
and determined to hev a scene rivalin the Couch and Orr biznis.
“Another thing, Cuff. Understand that it's a part uv the
bargain that when in my speech I turn to yoo and stomp, yoo
must rise and embrace me.”
“Wat?” sez he.
“Fall into my arms, lovin-like — yoo understand — jest as
tho we wuz long-lost brothers!”
“Scuse me!” sed he. “I'se a mity low nigger, and wants
to buy de old woman some quinine, and wood do most anything
foah dat; but, golly, dat's too much!”
“Not a cent,” sed I, sternly, assoomin my most piercinist
gaze; “onless this is included!”
-- 410 -- p635-447
[figure description] Page 410.[end figure description]
“Well,” returned he, sulkily, “ef I must, I speck I must;
but, golly —”
The nite arrived, and the meetin-house wuz full. We thot
fust uv holding it in the chapel uv the College, but give up the
idea ez impracticable, ez, owin to the dillytorinis uv our Northern
friends in forwardin sich subscripshens ez they hev raised, we
hevent got no further with the bildin than layin the corner-stun.
In the front wuz the four niggers, all in clean shirts,
and on the stand wuz the nigger I hed engaged. Over the
platform, wuz the follerin mottoes: —
“In Yoonion ther is strength — For President in 1868, Fernando
Wood. For Vice President, Frederick Duglis.”
“In the nigger, strength — In the Caucashen, beauty — In
the mulatter, who is trooly the noblest uv the human species —
both.”
In addishen to these, we dug up all the old mottoes wich
Jefferson writ, about yooniversal liberty and sich, wich hedn't
bin quoted in Kentucky for twenty years, and postid em up;
in brief, hed Wendell Phillips' blessed sperit bin a hoverin over
that meetin-house, it wood hev smiled approvinly.
I spoke to em elokently on the yooniversal brotherhood uv
mankind, holdin that whatever else cood be sed, Adam wuz the
father uv all mankind, and that the only difference between a
white man and a nigger wuz, the nigger wuz sun-burnt. The
nigger, I remarkt, wuz, ondoubtedly, origenally white; but
hevin bin, sence his arrival in this country, addicted to agricultooral
persoots, he hed become tanned to a degree wich, tho
it marred his physikle beauty, did not interfere with his sterlin
goodnis uv heart. Ther hed bin differences between the races—
at times ther hed bin onpleasantnises wich no one regretted
more than I. The whites uv the Corners hed not alluz bin ez
considrit ez I cood hev wished. They hed flogd sevral uv em,
and hung many more, and in times past hed held em in slavery
and sich; but that shood not be thot uv at this happy time.
It wuz constooshnel to do these things then, and Kentucky
wuz eminently a law-abidin State. “Here,” sez I, “on this
platform, with the flag uv our common country over me, I declare
eternal friendship to the colored man, and to seel the
declarashen I thus embrace —”
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 411 --
[figure description] Page 411.[end figure description]
The obstinit nigger didn't stir a step.
“Come up and fling yoor arms around me, you black cuss,”
sed I, in a stage whisper. “Come up!”
“No yoo don't, boss!” sed the nigger, in a loud voice, wich
wuz audible all over the church, and holdin out his hand. “I
can't trust yoo a bressid minit. Gib me de $5 fust. Yoo owe
dis chile foah dollars now fo' sawin wood fo' yoah post offis, and
ef we's a gwine to hab our rites de fus yoose I shel put mine
to will be the gittin dat money. Pay up fus, and de 'brace
afterward. I can't do sich a disagreeable ting widout de cash
in advance.”
This ruther destroyed the effect. The unities wuzn't preserved.
The niggers in front bust out in a torturing laff, and
Pollock and Bigler rolld in convulsions uv lafture, in wich half
uv our people joined. Me a standin petrified, in the attitood
of embracin, and that cussed nigger standin with his hand extended
for the money, with the Deekin and Bascom horrorstruck
jist behind, formed a tabloo wich wuz more strikin than
pleasant.
The meetin wuz to-wunst adjourned, for it wuz evident to
the dullest comprehenshen that nothin more coodent be done
that nite. Es yoosual I failed for want uv capital. Hed I bin
possesst uv the paltry sum uv five dollars, how diffrent wood
hev bin the result! Perchance we may, thro that defishency,
lose Kentucky. It must never occur agin — my salary must
be raised. I can't make brix without straw.
Joe Bigler met me next mornin, and remarkt that he regrettid
the occurrence, ez he ardently desired to see the two races a
pullin together. “The fault, Perfessor,” sed he, “wuz in not
managin properly. The next time yoo want a 'spectable nigger
to sit on the platform with yoo and the Deekin, or kiss or
embrace yoo — git him drunk. He'll do it then, probably —
I know he will. Ef he's drunk enuff, he'll hurrah for Johnson,
and it's possible to git em down to the pint uv votin with yoo.
Lord! how whiskey drags a man down. See wat it's brot yoo
to!” and the insultin wretch rolled off, laffin boisterously.
“Git em drunk, Perfesser!” he yelled ez long ez he cood
see me.
We don't intend to give it up. Bigler's advice wuz given
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in jest; but, nevertheless, I shel act upon it. Whiskey is wat
brings white men to us; and ef a white man kin be thus capchered,
why not a nigger? The Afrikin hezn't got ez far to
fall to git down to our level, and it'll take less to bring him.
Bascom ordered five barrels to-day, wich I spose the Administrashen
will pay for. We hev yet the Noo York Custom
House, and more uv the perkesits must be yoosed for politikle
purposes.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
CXXXVII. THE CONNECTICUT ELECTION.
Washington, April 7, 1867.
*The news uv the election in Connecticut created the most
profound sensashen at the Corners. It cum to us onexpected,
like a clap uv thunder from a clear sky, like a gleam uv sunlite
thro a mass uv overpowrin black clouds, or like the first
streak uv sunlite in the mornin after a long nite uv cholera
morbus with no brandy in the house. The Corners hevn't
experienct sich a satisfactory spasm uv joy sence the receet
uv the news uv the Fort Piller affair. It perdoost a very
singler effect on Deekin Pogram. When I told the news, he
wuz engaged a trying to convince a nigger, wich formerly
belonged to him, that, after all, the Southerners themselves
wuz the only ones wich the niggers cood trust; and that when
the time cum for em to exercise the 'lective franchise, ef they
hed any regard for their own interests they wood turn their
backs on the Ablishnists, who wuz, to a man, hory headed
deceevers, and trust them only who knowd em.
-- 413 --
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“Samyooel,” sed the Deekin, in a affecshunit tone, with one
hand on the nigger's shoulder, “why shoodent we love yoo?
Yoo are bone uv our bone, and flesh uv our flesh — we are uv
one blood —” (this remark the Deekin got into a habit some
years ago uv gittin off when speekin uv the Dimocrisy North,
and alluz uses it. It is ruther effective, tho in this instance,
ef I hed bin in his place, I shoodent hev slung it out, owin to
the pecooliar construckshen wich mite be put onto it) — “and
our interests is one, Samyooel.”
“Deekin,” sez I, interruptin him. “Deekin! Connecticut
hez spoken in thunder tones, and hez gone Dimocratic!” —
“Wat!” sez he, “Dimocratic?”
“Verily,” sez I. “A Governer, and three Congressmen out
of four.”
Ther wuz a sudden rupcher uv the friendly relashens existin
between the Deekin and Samyooel the dark complexioned. If
he wuz uv the Deekin's flesh, the Deekin wuz in favor of
mortifyin it; for never wuz flesh so belabored ez wuz that
unfortunit chattel's. The flesh wuz imejitly lasserated. He
pitched into him feroshus; and after pummelin the astonished
Afrikin, who didn't see why the result of a eleckshun shood
work sich a change, till he wuz out uv breath, he condenst wat
strength wuz remainin into one vigrous kick, exclaimin, —
“Take that, yoo black swindler. I've talked sweet to yoo
under false pretenses. I've bin betrayed into wastin soft
sawder onto a nigger — into coaxin wher I hev a ondeniable
rite to command — into —”
“Wat does all dis mean?” sed the nigger, faintly.
“Mean!” sed I to him; “my frend, this is the reaction
we've heard so much about — it's arriv. It means that there
is a exceedinly good chance uv yoor bein redoost agin to yoor
normal speer; uv yoor comin down from the high hoss yoove
bin a ridin, and uv bein agin a servant unto yoor brethren. It
means that Connecticut hez spoken, and that yoor a good deal
more valyooable to us now than yoo wuz a hour ago. Go, my
friend, and buy salve for yoor brooses; for unless yoor heeled
yoor valyoo will be less in the markit. Yoo'd be ashamed to
sell for a low price — woodent yoo?”
I left the Dimocrisy jubilatin, and come on to Washinton.
-- 414 -- p635-453
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The nite I arrived there wuz high carnival at the White
House. The President wuz in tall feather. There wuz
Connecticut visible all over him. He hed a wooden nutmeg
for a buzzum pin — a minatoor bass-wood ham hung from his
watch fob, and in honor uv the occashun they wuz drinkin
punches made of Noo England rum, with small slices uv
Wethersfield onyuns in em insted uv lemons. Randall sprung
toward me ez I entered the room, and clasped me by one hand,
the President by tother, and we then — not altogether onlike
the three graces — embraced. They hed the advantage uv
me, ez they hed one odor — the onion — wich I hedent, but I
stood it. Why not, when that odor wuz from the breaths of
those hevin the apintin power? I wood hev stood it hed they
bin eatin assafœtida.
At this juncter Sekretary Welles come in.
“Ha!” said he, “why this unwonted hilarity? why this joy
wher greef generally holds her courts?”
“The Connecticut elecshun,” said Seward.
“O, to be sure,” sed the venerable old man, vacantly; “I
remember. Hawley, wuz it, or some other man who wuz
elected over — over — wat wuz his name? — our candidate?”
“That wuz last yeer!” sed Seward, angrily.
“Well, perhaps it wuz. When did that State vote agin?”
asked he, innocently, to wich no anser wuz given. But very
little attention is paid to Sekretary Welles by any one 'ceptin
Seward; and the fact that he occasionally undertakes to keep
him postid in current events is ginerally taken ez evidence
that he's breakin up. It's evident that he's passin into his
dotage.
There wuz a pleasant gatherin. Cowan wuz ther, and Saulsbury,
and Garret Davis, and Doolittle, and Seymour, and Brooks,
and congratulatory letters wuz read. John C. Breckinridge
hoped this auspicious event wuz the beginnin uv good feelin,
presagin, ez he trusted it did, the evenchooel triumph uv
them wich he hed alluz bin proud to call his friends. Mayor
Monroe, uv Noo Orleens, hoped that, after this evidence uv
returnin reason, President Johnson wood not hesitate to remove
that second Butler, General Sheridan, who wuz ojus to
every friend the President had in the city uv wich he wuz
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-- 415 --
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lately Mayor. General Wise sent his congratulashens; but ez
they okkepied thirty-eight pages uv legal cap paper, closely
written, they wuzn't read. Mosby sent a allegoricle pipe
made uv a corn cob, onto wich wuz carved a symbolicle nigger,
with the American eagle, a clawin vishusly into his wool,
with his congratulations; and Fernando Wood, and Jesse
D. Brite, and Dan Voorhees, sent theirn, and Vallandigham
wanted to know now whether or not the President wuz a goin
to accept the situashen, and take the Dimocratic party to his
buzzum? Ef so, he hed a list uv apintments for Southern
Ohio, wich he wished made. At this pint the question arose
whether or not I hed not better move my Classicle and Military
Institoot to Connecticut? I am a practicle man, and I to-wunst
asked, ez pertinent to the question, whether or not ther wuz a
distillery in Connecticut; and sekond, whether or not ther
wuz a vacant post offis within four miles uv it.
Sekretary Randall replied. He woodent hold out indoosements
that he coodent fulfill. He wuz honest. Honesty wuz
his best holt — simple, childlike strate-forwardniss in his deelins
in politix wuz his cheef failin, and hed well nigh been his
rooin. The first query wuz easy to anser — the eleckshun
returns wood indicate to any man uv ordinary intellek that
ther wuz distilleries either in Connecticut or very handy to
the State; but ther wuz no Post Offisis to spare. To carry the
State every wun of em hed bin solemnly promised.
The President remarkt that he reely shoodent think that
triflin circumstance wood interfere with givin uv em to other
men.
At this pint I broke in. I told em firmly that onless I cood
hev a better post offis than the wun I hed, I woodent go. I
cood go and cood move wat there is uv the College bildins.
It woodent cost much to pay freight on that corner-stun. I
spose a better one cood be got in Connecticut at less than the
cost uv transportin it, but wherever that Dimocratic College is
built that must be the corner stun uv it. That stun is hallowed.
Ther are tender assosiashens hangin round it. It wuz the
corner-stun uv a nigger school-house wich we burnt to the
ground the nite we heard uv the veto uv the Civil Rites Bill.
But I won't go to Connecticut onless my subsistence is
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asshoored. Ther is more money ther than in Kentucky; but I
doubt whether they wood support me ez well. I kin understand
why a man kin be a Dimocrat in Kentucky — he's interested
in niggers. I kin appreciate the Dimocrisy uv
Suthern Injeany, Illinois, and Ohio, coz they come from that
region, and the sekond generashun ain't got to be voters. I
kin understand the Dimocrisy in Heenan's and Fernando
Wood's deestricks, but pardon me — I want to keep very clear
uv Connecticut Democrats. A people anywhere in Noo England
wich kin deliberitly ally theirselves to us is just the kind
uv people I don't want to be among. I instinctively mistrust
a Yankee who hez dickered away his interest in Bunker Hill.
I hev notist that a Noo Englander wich comes South and
married an old maid, or a widder with a plantation, wuz never
to be trustid; and it's my experience that a demoralized
Yankee — one who hez shed his early trainin, and took up
anybody else's moral close — is about the meanest specimen
uv a white man on the face uv the green earth. He hez the
acootnis wich is born uv a barren soil, without the Puritanism
to keep it within bounds; he possesses the ability to make a
livin on his native rox, but his laziness impels him to a easier
subsistence in milder climes; and instid uv fishin for mackrel
he goes South and fishes for men. A Noo Englander, unrestrained
by grace, is pizen, and I bleeve Connecticut is full uv
em. I hev heerd Massachoosits religion aboozed, but its suthin
we may well be thankful for. I have always been thankful that
the Mayflower brot over religion ez well ez brains and will.
Among the Connecticut Democrisy I shood stand no show;
and, besides, I hev too much self-respeck to soshiate with em
on terms uv equality. Instid uv foragin on them, they'd
manage to live on me. I hev lambs to sheer in Kentucky, and
I don't care about changin em. I don't want to throw any cold
water onto this festive occasion, it bein a element we all
despise; but, hev we any asshoorence uv her continyooin
troo? Ef I understand it, we won by means uv patronage,
and runnin a War Democrat — a bein I, in common with all the
troo Democrisy, despise. We can't do it agin. The next
blast that sweeps from the North will bring to our ears a story
uv another kind. One swaller don't make a spring. I hev
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[figure description] Page 417.[end figure description]
knowd uv calves being born with two heads. This election, I
fear me, is one uv these monstrosities wich Nacher sometimes
perdooses to show what she is capable uv. It ain't normal. I
hev no objeckshun to yoor feelin good over it — it rejoict me,
coz it'll give our friends South courage, and may skeer the
Radicals into givin us better terms, but —
My remarks wuz interrupted by Saulsbury, who hed bin
sureptitiously drinkin punch with the ladle, and the odor uv
the onions overcomin him he rolled under the table, and very
shortly thereafter the meetin broke up. I leave for home
to-morrer, or ez soon ez I kin draw my mileage.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n70* The Democracy carried Connecticut in the spring of 1867 by the aid of
repeaters from New York. The result was received by the South as evidence
of the reaction against the radicals of the North, for which they had been so
long looking.
CXXXVIII. THE RUSSIAN PURCHASE.
Washington, April 14, 1867.
*It's done! Seward did it — him and me! The American
Eagle hez coz now to screem with redoubled energy. Ef the
Nashnel bird wuz a angel, I shood remark to it, “Toon yoor
harp anoo;” but it ain't, and therefore sich a rekest wood
be ridiculous. This rapsody hez refrence to the Rooshen
purchis.
The idea originatid in these massive intelleck. When I wuz
here afore, the Blairs, all uv em, wuz a crowdin the sainted
Johnson for a mishun. Cowan wantid a mishun, and so did
Doolittle; and that day pretty much all uv the delegates to the
Cleveland and Philadelphy Convenshens had bin there, wantin
some kind uv a place; wat, they wuzn't pertikeler. One gentleman,
whose nose (wich trooly blossomed as the lobster) betokened
long service in the party, urged that he hed bin a
-- 418 --
[figure description] Page 418.[end figure description]
delegate to both Convenshens. “Thank God!” sed Johnson.
“Wood that both them Convenshens hed bin made up uv the
same men. I wood then hev bin bored for places only half ez
much ez I am.”
I wuz a helpin him out in my weak way. When the crowd
wantin places become too great for human endoorance, I wood
say, in a modrit tone, “Let's go out and git suthin;” and
to-wunst fully half wood exclaim, “Thank yoo, I don't keer if
I do!” It wuz a great relief to Johnson, but wuz pizen on
me. With the most uv em, the anguish, anxiety, and solissitood
in the gittin uv offises and free drinks wuz about an ekal thing.
The offisis they wantid wuz merely the means to that pertikeler
end; and so long ez they wuz gittin the latter without the
trouble uv the former, they wuz content. A good constooshen
and a copper-lined stumick carried me thro this tryin ordeel,
until I came across a Boston applicant, who, in consekence uv
the perhibitory law, hed bin for some time on short rashens,
and wuz keen set. Napoleon hed then met his Wellington,
and I succumd. The man's talent wuz wonderful.
Sekretary Seward wuz in trouble about the Blair family.
He hed did his level best for em. He hed appinted em to Collekterships
and furrin mishuns; but the crooel Senit, wich hed
no respeck for us, took delite in fastening uv em onto us by
perpetooally rejectin em. Jest after a long siege by Montgomery
and the old man, I sejestid the purchis uv the Rooshen
Territory, to wich not only they cood be sent, but a thousand
uv others wich we hed on our hands; and the Sekretary wuz
so pleased at the idea that he wept like a child. He set imejitly
about gittin testimonials ez to the valyoo uv the territory, to
inflooence the Senit in ratifyin the treaty he was agoin to make.
He wrote to a naval officer about it, who answered more
promptly than I ever knowd a naval offiser to do, ez follows: —
“It's trooly a splendid country! The trade in the skins uv
white bears kin be, if properly developed, made enormous.
There is seals there, and walruses so tame that they come up
uv their own akkord to be ketched.
“P. S. — In case the purchis shood be made, a naval stashen
-- 419 --
[figure description] Page 419.[end figure description]
will be necessary. May I hope that my long services on the
Floridy Coast will prove suffishent recommendashen for the
command uv the depot? May I?
“I hev the honor to be,” &c.
A distinguished Perfessor wrote: —
“The climate is about the style uv that they hev in Washinton.
The Gulf Stream sweeps up the coast, causing a decided
twist in the isothermal line, wich hez the effeck uv making it
ruther sultry than otherwise. Anywheres for six hundred
miles back uv the coast strawberries grow in the open air. I
recommend strongly the purchis.
“P. S. — In case the purchis is made, a explorin expedishen
will be necessary. May I hope that my scientiffik attainments
are suffishently well known to yoo to recommend me as a proper
person to head the expedishen? May I?
“I hev the honor to be,” et settry.
The President wuzn't favorably inclined. He wuz full uv
the old fogy idea that it wuz rather chilly there than otherwise.
He hedn't faith in the Isothermal Line, and wuz skepticle about
the Gulf Stream. It wuz his experience that the further North
yoo got the colder it wuz. For instance, he remarkt, that
while the people wuz warm toward him in Virginny and Maryland,
last fall, they became very cold ez he got North. Wher
wuz the Isothermal Line and the Gulf Stream then?
Randall, who will hev his joke, remarkt that the isothermal
line twisted. He notist that the people made it ez hot for em
ez he wantid it ez fur North ez Cleveland; to wich Sekretary
Welles replied, that it only confirmed him in the opinion that
for platin vessels uv war, iron wuz preferable to pine plank
any time.
Seward removed the President's objections to-wunst. He
read his letters, wich set forth the beauties and advantages uv
the country twict over. Here wuz whales, and walrusses, and
seals, and white bears, and pine-apples, and wheat, and sea-lions,
and fields uv ice the year round, in a climit ez mild and equable
ez the meridian uv Washinton. The isothermal line wuz more
-- 420 --
[figure description] Page 420.[end figure description]
accommodatin ther than in any other part uv the world. It
cork-screwed through the territory so ez to grow fine peaches
for exportation to the States, and ice to the Sandwich Islands,
side by side. He drawd a picter uv the white bear a rushin
over the line, and disportin hisself in fields uv green peas!
Imagine, he remarked, the delicacy uv polar bear meat fattened
on strawberries; think uv the condishn the sea-lions must be
in which leave their watery lairs to feed on turnips wich grow
above the 60th parallel; think uv —
“It won't do,” sed the President.
“Think uv,” retortid the Sekretary, with a quicknis uv intellek
remarkable, “think uv gettin rid uv the Blairs forever!”
“Will the Ablishn Senit ratify the treaty?” askt Johnson,
eagerly.
“I converst with many on the subjick, and they sed ef we
cood promise that the Blairs would accept posishens ther, they
wood do it cheerfly. For sich a purpose, sed one uv em to me,
$7,000,000 is a mere bagatelle.”
“I'll do it,” sed Johnson. “I agree with the Senators for
once. Rather then hev it fail, I'd pay it out uv Mrs. Cobb's
share in our jint spekelashens. Freedom from the Blair family!
Good Hevings! kin one man be so blest? Is ther sich in store
for me? $7,000,000! Pish!”
My opinyun being askt, I give it. Ez hefty ez the vencher
is from a commershl stan-pint, in a politikle pint uv view, the
advantagis will be still heftier. The Rooshn territory will
finally be the chosen home uv the Dimocrisy. Ther is already
a populashen there adaptid to us, who kin be manipulated without
trouble, and the climit is favorable to a strickly Democratic
populashen. The trouble with us here is that the amount uv
likker necessary to the manufakter uv a Democrat kills him
afore he hez a opportoonity uv votin many times, wich keeps
us in a perpetooal minority. Our strength is, for climatic reasons,
our weaknis. Far diffrent is it in Roosha. Ther the
happy native may drink his quart per day — the bracin atmosphere
makin it abslootly nessary for him. Ther is the troo
Democratic paradise. How offen hev I sighed for sich a country.
Then again, ther are posishens uv profit. The delegates
to Congriss will, ef I hev figgered it rightly, draw about
-- 421 --
[figure description] Page 421.[end figure description]
$15,000 per session, mileage, wich is $30,000 per year, $60,000
per term. He cood afford to serve without the paltry $5,000,
wich wood be cheep legislatin, indeed.
And so it wuz agreed upon, and the treaty wuz made by
telegraph at a expense uv $20,000. Before it wuz finely conclooded,
some other little incidentals wuz inclooded by the Zar,
wich run the price up to $10,200,000, but that wuz nothin for
us. Seward went at his work with great energy. The purchis
wuz divided up into six territories (for the number uv delegates
to our convenshuns wuz large, and they all hed to be provided
for), wich wuz named, respectively, Johnson, Seward, Cowan,
Doolittle, Randall, and Welles. For the one in the extreme
North, the furthest off, Frank Blair wuz appinted Governor;
for the next, Montgomery; and the next, the old man, and the
other three wuz held in reserve for the pure but unfortunate
patriots wich might be hereafter rejected for the Austrian
mishun. A list wuz prokoored uv the delegates to our various
convenshuns, and them ez hed bin martyred by the Senit; ther
names wuz put into a wheel ez at Gift Enterprises, and the
Judgeships, Marshalships, Clerkships, et settry, wuz drawd by
lot. This ijee waz sejested by Postmaster-General Randall, ez
bein the easiest way of doin it. He statid that the appintments
from his department hed alluz bin made in this manner, ez it
saved time in eggsaminin petitions, cirtifikets uv fitnis, and sich.
In this way, about ez near ez I kin estimate, two per cent. uv
those claimin posishens at our hands hev bin provided for.
The idea is capable uv unlimited extension. The Administration
feelin the releef it hez gin em, are already negotiatin
for the British Provinces. This territory kin, by makin uv em
a little smaller, be divided up into — say, forty — which, by
makin a few more offises for each, and bein libral with explorin
expedishuns and sich, will be sufficient to give places to all
who really have claims upon us and who are pushin us.
The President breathes easier, and the Secretary is placid
ez a Summer mornin. He hez cut the Gordian knot; he hez
releeved hisself uv the boa constrickter wich wuz crushin him
in its folds. Happiness pervades the White House.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
eaf635n71* The President was overrun by the seedy place-hunters who joined his faction
in hope of attaining positions they never could get otherwise. The Blair family
were candidates for almost every prominent position in the government.
-- 422 -- p635-463
CXXXIX. A SLIGHT ALTERATION IN THE NAME AND POLICY OF MR. NASBY'S “INSTITOOT. ”
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 22, 1867.
[figure description] Page 422.[end figure description]
Times changes, and men change jist ez fast ez times. I
shood like to see the times wich kin change faster than I kin;
but this last shift I hev bin forced to make, ruther took my
breth. It wuz sudden. The Connecticut eleckshun didn't do
us much good after all. We felt well over it for perhaps a day;
but ez we begun to git other indicashens from the North, we
didn't jist see how that little spirt wuz agoin to help us. Cincinnati
went Ablishin stronger than ever. Chicago ditto; and
most everywhere the Dimocratic rooster wuz flattened. The
cabinet, when they heerd uv Deekin Pogram's assault upon a
nigger, on the receet uv the intelligence uv the election news,
notified me officially that a repetishen uv sich loonacy wood be
equivalent to a reseet uv my resignation, even tho the post
offis shood be discontinyood. “The nigger vote must be capcherd.
It's essenshel. Wade Hampton sez so,” wrote Randall
to me, and I reprimanded the Deekin for his recklessniss, and
borrowed four dollars uv Bascom, who is the only man in
the vicinity who hez any ready money, to make it all rite
with him.
We held a meetin uv the Drecktors and Faculty uv the
Southern Military and Classicle Institoot last evening, to
decide wat course that instooshn wuz to take in the grate
work uv surroundin the Ethiopian. In sich a time ez this, ez
I menshened to Captain McPelter, it won't do for our institooshuns
uv learning to stand back. These great levers, the
molders uv public opinion, must be ez progressive ez the progressiveist,
and must change like other things to meet the
requirements uv the times. We hev commenst our march
into Africa, and thus far hev we gone into the bowels uv the
land without impediment, to speak uv — let us persevere. Let
us capcher the Ethiopian, stink and all.
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The meetin wuz held in the back room uv Bascom's, owin to
the fact that it wuz rainin, and the roof uv the Post Offis leaks.
I hed an appropriashen some time since from the Department
for repairs; but bein in doubt whether it wuz intended for repairs
on the Post Offis or the Postmaster, I gave the prizner
the benefit uv the doubt, and got a new pair uv boots. I cood
better endoor the slite inconvenience uv occasional rain than
to go barefoot.
I made a statement uv the case, and sejested a radical change
in the Institoot. Captain McPelter agreed with me. He felt
that ther hedn't bin that complete, hearty recognition uv our
Afrikin brethren as there ought to be. He hed on several
occasions allowed his nateral vivacity to git the better of his
proodence, and hed waded into em alarmin. The old ijee of
Ham and Hagar and Onesimus hed bin so drilled into him in
his yooth, that he hed to wrestle with it to keep it in control,
and in spite uv himself it often got the better uv him. He
sejested that the name uv the Institoot be changed from “The
Southern Military and Classikle Institoot,” to “The Ham and
Japheth Free Academy for the Development uv the Intellek
uv all Races, irrespective uv Color.” That he thought would
anser the required end. The colored men who choose to avail
theirselves of the priviliges afforded by this institooshn, when
it is finished, kin find in this no cause uv complaint. They are
recognized. They are given the precedence. They stand first
in the matter and foremost. Wat more kin they ask?”
Bascom hed a series uv resolooshuns wich he desired to
present. He sed it mite be looked upon ez strange that he
shood favor the concentrashun uv free niggers at the Corners,
but he hed good and suffishent reasons. First, he hed faith
that constant contact with the Board wood bring em to the
pint uv patronizin his bar; but ef it didn't, he knowd perfectly
well that the Board and Fakulty wood manage to git all they
hed, for board and tooition, wich he wuz perfectly certin he'd
git in the end. Wat he wanted wuz people here; to yoose an
illustration borrered from his biznis, the offishels uv this Institoot
wuz the tunnel through wich the wealth uv all uv em
wood be conducted to his coffers. I fell onto his neck in
rapcher, and then vowed that I wuz willin to die for his
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good — that I cared not how much uv other people's money
run through me to him ef 'twas thus dilooted. The resolooshens
presented read ez follows: —
“Resolved, That the name uv the Southern Military and
Classikle Institoot be changed to `The Ham and Japheth Free
Academy for the Development uv the Intelleck uv all Races,
irrespective uv Color.'
“Resolved, That in makin this change, we, the Board uv
Directors, do so, assertin,
“1. That in this emergency we are justified in doubtin
whether Noer got tite at all, the statement in the Skripters to
that effect bein ondoubtedly an error uv the translators.
“2. That ef he did git tite, he didn't cuss Ham at all.
“3. That ef he did cuss Ham, the cuss wuzn't intended to
extend beyond Canaan at the furthest, and hence his descendants
go scot free.
“4. That ef the cuss wuz really and trooly intended to
attach to all uv Ham's descendants, irrespective uv color, to
the end uv time, it ain't uv no effeck in Kentucky, ez that
State hez allus run irrespective uv any code, 'ceptin sich ez
hez bin adopted by her Legislacher.
“5. That the theory that the nigger, irrespective uv color,
is a beast, is a deloosion, a snare, which we hev alluz practically
held, no matter what we may, for effect, hev sed, ez the number
uv mulattoes, to say nothin uv them still farther bleached
in Kentucky, abundantly proves.
“6. That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv color, is trooly a
man and a brother; and the female Ethiopian, also irrespective
uv color, trooly a woman and a sister.
“Resolved, That this Institoot, whose name is now so happily
changed, shel be conducted upon the principles uv strict ekality,
irrespective uv color.
“Resolved, That when we reflect that the bloated aristocracy
uv England interdoost, and the early settlers uv Massachoosets
sankshund, slavery on this continent, forcin it really onto us,
we bile with indignashun towards em, and kin hardly restrane
ourselves.
“Resolved, That at the tables, in the choice uv rooms, and in
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all matters where there is a choice, the African man and
brother, irrespective uv color, shel hev the precedence.
“Resolved, That Oberlin College, by not givin the sons uv
Ham, irrespective uv color, the precedence, shows clearly that
it is actooated by narrer-minded prejudice, wich deserves the
reprobashen uv every lover uv his kind.
“Resolved, That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv color, kin
change his skin, and that his oder, ef he hez any, is rather
pleasant than otherwise.
“Resolved, That we look with loathing upon the States
North, wich, alluz professin friendship for the noble black man
uv the cotton fields, refoose to take him to their buzzums,
irrespective uv color.
“Resolved, That ef Massachoosits and Vermont, and Northern
Illinois, and the Western Reserve in Ohio, are honest in
their professions uv love for the negro, they will come down
with donashuns to assist in the completion uv the Academy.”
Deekin Pogram didn't know about all this. He hed bin
edikated in Ham and Hager, and wuz a bleever in Onesimus.
He doubted. Sposen after all this concesion the nigger shood
play off onto us? Sposen he shoodent vote with us after all,
but cling to his Northern friends? Or spose he shood vote
with us, and we shood, thro his vote, git control, wat then?
How cood we redoose em to ther normal condition agin after
all this palavrin?
Bascom replied that he wuz surprised at the Deekin's
obtoosnis. First, ef they did vote with the Ablishnists, we
wuz no worse off, ez that wuz wat they proposed to do any
how. Ef, on the other hand, they didn't, what then? The
trouble with em now is, they know too much. “Let em,” sed
Bascom, warmin up, “let em associate with us a year, let em
vote with us, et cettry, and in twelve months they're precisely
fitted agin to be servance unto their brethren. Look,” sed he,
“at the Northern Dimocrasy, and see to what we may hope to
bring these men in time.”
But little more bizness wuz transacted. Beverly Nash, of
South Caroliny, wuz unanimously called to a professorship; and
a young gentleman uv color, who, from his strong resemblance
-- 426 -- p635-467
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to Elder Gavitt, ought to hev biznis capacity, wuz unanimously
elected a member of the Board. The yoonyun is perfect.
Ham and Japheth hev shaken hands, and are embracin each
other.
May prosperity attend the nupchels, and may the isshoo be
fortunate. I hev got over the disgust attendant upon the fust
chill, and am consekently feelin well.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the
Ham and Japheth Free Academy for the
Development uv the Intelleck uv all
Races, irrespective uv Color.
CXL. MR. NASBY PREACHES A SERMON, THE EFFECT OF WHICH IS DESTROYED BY NORTHERN PAPERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Road }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 25, 1867.
We are in trouble down here with these cussid niggers.
They are harder to manage than pigs. Pigs don't express ther
pecoolyarities. Mules come nearer. Ther is sich a method in
their obstinacy — sich a wilful cussidnis, that I reely hev made
up my mind that I don't understand em at all. They cuddle
up to us ez kind ez a bloomin maiden does to her first adored,
and they fling us just ez natral ez that same guileless maiden
does when number two heaves in site. They behave well for
a season, aperrently for no other purpose than to enjoy our
discomfiture when they finally throw us. I hev bin a gittin a
suspishen thro me that they ain't half ez stoopid ez they look;
and that, after all, we are not fur from the trooth when we say,
in our resolooshens, that they are the ekals uv the whites.
Why shoodn't they be? Why shoodent the nigger boy, wich
is now crossin the street, wich hez Deekin Pogram's feechers
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ez like ez a photograff, hev ez much sense ez the Deekin? I
hev egsamined into the pedigree uv that nigger, and I find
that his mother hed the hawtiest blood uv Virginny coursin
toomulchusly thro her veins — and that stock the Pogram mix
coodent materially depreciate in one generashen.
I hed the niggers uv the × Roads handsomely in tow up to
yisterday. I hed em attendin services last Sunday at the
meetin-house, and by private arrangement hed em seated
miscellaneously among the awjence. Dekin Pogram hed a
wench, wich weighed at least 250 pounds averdupoise, atween
him and his wife, while four other niggers ornamentid his pew.
Bascom, with alacrity, consented to three; and Elder Gavitt
provided seats for four. It wuz a pleasant site! White and
black wuz alternatid like the spots on a checker-board — niggers
and whites wuz spread out together like the fat and lean
in pork; and ez I seed it I cood hardly restrane my emoshens.
There before me wuz the regenerashun uv the Democratic
party — there wuz wat wuz to bring us out uv the valley and
shadder uv death into wich we hed fallen, up on the high
ground uv offishel life. I preached that day from two texts,
to wit: “Uv one blood did he make all the nashens uv the
earth,” and “All ye are brethren.” I demonstrated with great
fervor the loonacy uv the idea that the Almighty wood take
the trouble to create two or more races when one wood do ez
well — wich idea is alluz well receeved in this region. All
men form their idea uv the Deity from themselves; and I
never knowd a Confedrit Cross Roader to make two things
when one wood anser. I refuted the theory, that there wuz
more than one head to the race, by quotin the texts wich
treated uv the creashen uv Adam and Eve, and demolished
the Ham doctrine at site. “Ef,” sed I, “Noer did cuss Ham,
and condemn Canaan to be a servant unto his brethren, how
do we know that our colored brethren and sistren is the
desendants uv Ham and Canaan? It may be us for all we
know! Is it his color? Is not black jest ez convenient a
color ez white?”
“More so,” murmured Mrs. Pogram, half asleep, “more so—
it don't show dirt.”
“Is it his shape? O, my brethren, I ain't a handsome man,
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nor wood I exactly anser for a model for Apoller. Ef beauty,
or comeliness, or shape, is to decide the pint, the Lord help
us! Is it his smell? The New York World asserts that the
nigger hain't no smell, and ef he hez, why shoodent he hev?
Standin under the common flag uv our country, with his hand
upon that magna charta, the Deklarashen, and his beamin eye
turned exultinly toward our nashnel emblem, the eagle, shall
not our Afrikin brother be allowed to smell jist ez he chooses?
Ef smell must be uniform, then let our Government establish a
Burow uv Perfoomery to-wunst. I take high religious grounds
in this matter. Ef he hez a natural odor, the Lord give it to
him. Let us not fly in the face uv the Lord by condemin it.
Judge not, lest we be judged. The odor uv the colored gentleman
or lady is the work uv the Lord — the odor uv yoor
unwashed feet is yoor own — wich shood stand the highest?
“I acknowledge that I hev not long held these views. I
hev shared the common prejudis, and hev contemned our
friends uv color; I hev despitefully used 'em; I hev gone for
'em, and banged 'em like old boots. But it wuz becoz I didn't
know 'em. I didn't see the kernel of meat under the rough
shell: I didn't recognize the glitrin diamond in the ebony coal.
My eyes hev bin opened. Like Saul of Tarsus, I see a lite.
Sence the passage uv the Military Bill I hev diskivered many
things. I hev mostly found out all these things sence that
occurrence. Let us accept the situashen, and bless the Lord
that it hez resultid in developin excellences where we didn't
expect to find 'em.”
There wuz an affectin scene after service wuz over. Deekin
Pogram, Captain McPelter, and Elder Gavitt shook hands with
em with a degree uv corjality I didn't expect. They develop
a degree uv adaptability to circumstances wich I didn't look
for. I really bleeve if I'd a told em that it wood hev a good
effeck to kiss the nigger babies all round, that they'd a done it.
But I spared em this. There is such a thing ez laying it on
too thick.
But all this wuz spiled the next day. There wuz a heavy
mail that day. In addition to the paper wich Pollock, the
Illinois storekeeper, takes, ther wuz eight others; and to my
surprise they wuz all directed to niggers. “Wat is this?”
-- 429 --
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thot I to myself. “Hev the Ablishnists uv the North determined
upon proselytin these men, and are they goin to flood
this country with their incendiary readin? Ez a Federal
officer it's my dooty to look into the matter!” Imagine my
delirious joy at findin that they wuz Democratic papers from
Noo York and Ohio! “Thank Heaven!” sed I, “our people
hev awakened to a sense uv the necessity uv doin suthin;”
and I handed the papers out to em, exhortin uv em to read
em, ez they wuz trooth, and nothin but the trooth.
I ruther think they read em, for from that time out they
avoided me ez though I hed the plague. Ef I wuz a goin
down the street, and one uv em wuz a comin up, he'd cross the
street; and the pecoolyer expression uv his countenance indicatid
that it wuzn't my majestick presence wich awd him.
They hed loathin depicted on their classick feechers. Unable
to endoor this, I seezed one uv em, and asked why I wuz
treated thus?
Delibritly he pulled out uv his pockit one uv them cussid
Northern papers, and pintid indignantly to a editorial article.
It was perfoosely headed in this wise: —
Shel niggers vote? — Shel the prowd Caucashen be redoost to
a ekality with the disgustin Afrikin? — Is this a white man's
government or not? — Ameriky for white men!
Sed this Ethiopian, with his fingers on this headin, “'Pears
like ez ef dah wuzn't jist dat good feelin towards us colored
men on de part ob de Dimoc'sy ob the Norf dat dah ought to
be. 'Pears like as dough up dah wha de niggah ain't got no
vote, dat dey don't intend he shel hab it. 'Pears like, ef
Dimoc'sy's one ting all ober de country, dar's a cussid site ob
humbug a goin on down heah!”
Wat cood I say? Wat cood I do? There it wuz in black
and white; and from papers whose Dimocrisy cood not be
questioned. I wuz dumbfoundid. The nigger stalked hawtily
and proudly away in one direckshen, while I sneaked off ruther
sneakinly in another.
I hev one word to say to our brethren in the North. Yoo'r
doublin our troubles, and makin our burdens harder to bear.
-- 430 -- p635-471
[figure description] Page 430.[end figure description]
Why havn't yoo common sense? Wat hurt wood nigger suffrage
do yoo up there wher ther ain't no niggers, and how
much wood it benefit us down here wher ther's millions uv
em? Can't yoo see it? On all questions heretofore the
Dimocrisy hez allowed a liberal license. We hev bin Free
Trade in Noo York and Tariff in Pennsylvany the same year,
and we cood do it. Then Dimocrats didn't git ther asshoorences
from papers, owin to their inability to perooze em
rapidly, it bein so long afore they got a word spelled out that
they forgot the one precedin it, wich destroyed the continuity
uv the narrative, ef I may so speak, and wat we told em really
wuz gospel. That won't do with the niggers down here. He
reads, he does; and ef he don't, ther's alluz everywhere some
sich sneakin cuss ez Pollock, who reads for him, and they know
wat they know jist ez well ez anybody. Let em stop hammerin
the nigger. It won't do. Ef he's to be a man and a
brother here, he must be a man and a brother there. Ef the
Dimocrisy must hev a race to look down on, let em turn their
attenshun to the Chinese or the Injuns, but from this time out
the nigger is sacred.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the
Ham and Japheth Free Academy for the
Development uv the Intellek uv all
Races, irrespectiv of Color.
CXLI. THE DECEASE OF ELDER GAVITT.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 2, 1867.
A blite hez fallen o'er my soul. My eyes, albeit unused to
the meltin mood, hev distilled nothin but tears for twelve
hours. A Piller hez fallen! In the meetin-house there is a
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[figure description] Page 431.[end figure description]
vacant pew, and a chair at Bascom's is without a setter. Last
nite, at precisely nine P. M., Elder Abimileck Gavitt departed
this life.
I weep ez I write. The Elder wuz snufft out jest ez the
flowers uv spring wuz cumin — jest ez the weather wuz a
gittin warm enough to go barefooted — jest when it wuzn't
nessary to bother about gettin fire-wood, or be concerned
about feedin the stock — jest when it begins to be comfortable
a sittin onto the grocery stoop — jest at the threshhold uv six
months' enjoyment. Why wuz he taken? Ekko ansers. The
ways uv Providence is inskrootable.
Elder Gavitt wuz a native uv North Karliny, wich State he
left in the blush uv early manhood, jist after he wuz married.
Wat he left North Karliny for, I never wuz able to assertane
percisely; but I hev understood that it wuz suthin in connection
with a smoke-house, and the hams wich did hang therein.
He wuz in a Whig naberhood — his naber, the proprietor of
the smoke-house, wuz a Whig — ther wuz sum hams missed —
the rinds wuz found in his possession — Whig intolerance and
persekooshen. Upon sich slite evidence he wuz adjudged
guilty of theft, and wuz ignominiously rid on a rale, and
ordered to leave the country in twenty-four hours, wich he did,
driftin nat'rally to Kentucky. Thank Heaven for sich outrages!
But for sich, Kentucky wood either hev bin a Republican
State, or wood hev remained unsettled.
Elder Gavitt wuz alluz a Democrat uv the strictest sect.
He voted for Jackson, and reglerly for every Democratic candidate
sence. He didn't read very much; indeed, he coodent
do it all all, and wuz, consekently, stedfast in the faith. He
wuzn't shook about, and driven hither and yon by every wind,
but remained thro life fast in the groove into wich he hed bin
origenelly sot. His politikle creed wuz made up uv this one
idee, to wit: Hatrid uv Noo England. He hatid Noo England
becoz Noo England hatid whiskey, wich he coodent git along
without, and slavery, uv wich he hed a hundred niggers. He
votid agin Noo England all his life reglerly, and ez many times
on each eleckshen day ez he cood, without risk.
My acquaintance with the deceest commenst about three
years ago. It wuz at his house I stopt on my advent into
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[figure description] Page 432.[end figure description]
these parts. Ther wuz no need uv formal introduckshens —
ther wuz already a bond atween us wich knit our souls
together. His eye, ez it lit onto my nose, lighted up with a
smile; and ez I gazed on hizzen, I felt that he wuz indeed a
man and a brother. He took me in — he sheltered me — he
gave me whereof to eat and to drink and to make merry, and
with him I tarried till I wuz reglerly installed ez paster uv the
Church, and thereby reglerly provided for.
The cause uv the Elder's death wuz a broken heart. He
wuz a ardent Confedrit, and manfully bore up under the
reverses of the war. His courage wuz unshaken doorin the
repeated successes uv the Federal armies; and even when
emancipation deprived him uv his slaves, he still hed faith
that, evenchooally, all wood be well. “We may be beeten
now,” wuz his constant remark, “but the Northern Dimocrisy
are all right, and thro them we'll yet conker!” Confidin in
em, bleevin in em, he held out up to the passage uv the
Military Reconstruckshen Bill.
I then saw a change steal insensibly over my venerable
friend. His head bowed with supprest grief — his bosom
throbbed with the emoshen that wuz strugglin for uttrance.
He wood come over to my offis five or six times a day, and ask
me to read him that passage uv the law givin the nigger the
ballot. I wood do it, when, without sayin a word, he wood
reel off, with tears flowin down his wasted cheeks, to Bascom's.
I wood foller him, to see that no harm came to him. The old
man wuz so broken that he'd pay for his own likker and mine
too, without noticin. Fearin to awaken unpleasant emoshens
in his mind, I never menshened the latter circumstance.
Things grew worse with him. When Randall wrote to me
to consiliate the niggers, the old man obeyed without a murmur.
Democrisy wuz his first idea, and he obeyed her behests, tho
'twuz consoomin his very sole. He shook hands with niggers,
tho the touch wuz ez red hot iron; he took two uv em into his
pew, tho his promoxity to em set him a shakin like the ager;
and he votid to change the name and objects uv the Institoot,
tho the convulsive workins uv his face showd wat the struggle
cost him.
Day by day the Elder faded. The iron entered his sole, and
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it wuz eatin him up by degrees. He walked the streets
listlessly, his eyes suffoosed with tears, and his lips movin ez
ef mutterin suthin to hisself. I become concerned for him,
and so did the entire cirkle. Bascom figgered up his akkount
at his bar, and went to the records to see whether his farm wuz
unencumbered, and sich uv the neighbors ez hed lent him small
sums sot about gittin em.
Last Sunday the pitcher went to the well for the last time.
I hed four niggers in his pew, upon whom he looked vacantly,
but sed nothin. After servis, I stopped him. “Elder,” sez I,
in a whisper, “it wood hev a good effeck ef yoo cood kiss them
little nigger girls.”
“Parson!” sed he, tremblin like a leaf, “is it absolootely
necessary?”
“It is the dooty uv evry Dimokrat, in this crisis, to kiss ez
many nigger children ez possible.”
A strange expression lit up the old man's countenance. In
a frenzied manner he kissed all there wuz in the church, and
commenst on the adult females uv that persuasion. With
difficulty we restrained him; but breakin loose from us, he
startid down the street, a runnin down and kissin every nigger
child his eyes restid on. Finally he sunk to the erth eggsaustid,
and we bore him to his house and put him to bed.
From that bed he never ariz. He wuz a goner. We hed to
give him his likker in a spoon, and I never knowd a Kentuckian
to recover who wuz past drinkin out uv a bottle. Slowly
his strength wasted. Yesterday he rallied and asked for me.
“Perfesser!” sed he, with an effort, “is Kentucky to rool
the niggers, or the niggers to rool Kentucky? Has Dimocrisy
swallered the nigger, or the nigger swallered the
Dimocrisy?”
And all wuz o'er! He fell back a piece uv clay, wich never
cood rally to the poles agin.
Bascom and I turned aside and wept. Sed Bascom, “Hed
he lived two years more I wood hev hed his farm.”
“Not any,” sed I, bustin into teers. “I wood hev hed it to
endow the Institoot.”
“In that event it wood evenchooally hev bin mine,” gasped
Bascom, relapsin into a fresh spasm uv grief.
-- 434 --
[figure description] Page 434.[end figure description]
We buried him yesterday. It wuz the biggest funeral ever
knowd at the Corners. It wuz a tetchin site. Standin around
his bier, wuz his four children by his first wife, and his six
children by his second wife, and twelve or fifteen other children
uv all colors, from that uv a new saddle up to dark
molasses, who insisted upon bein counted in ez mourners. It
wuz the tightest place I wuz ever in in my life.
“My friends,” sed I to em, “is this seemly? Is this
proper?”
They replied that it wuz. “I mourn a father,” sed one;
“not much uv a father, but he wuz the only one I ever had.”
“I mourn a husband,” sed the mother uv the first speaker, “not
legally a husband, but morally, or rather, immorally.” “We
weep,” sed all these various shades in korus, and they bustid
out into a torrent uv greef wich completely extinguished them
on the tother side uv the grave, wich hed the legal rite to
mourn.
Ez a matter uv coarse, it ended in a row. Issaker Gavitt
swore that no cussid bleached niggers shood shed teers at his
father's funeral; and Amandy flew at a quadroon wich wuz
cryin too prominently, and Mrs. Gavitt attacked the quadroon's
mother who wuz displayin altogether too much white pockit
handkercher. In the melee I left, satisfied that Democrisy hez
altogether too many rough pints to git over pleasant.
I feel it my dooty to erect a monument to the memory uv
this good and troo man — this martyr to Democrisy. Demokrats,
feelin an interest in the matter, and wishin to contribute
to the work, may send by mail sich donashens ez they see fit,
to me, with perfect confidence that they will be yoosed.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor.
-- 435 -- p635-476
CXLII. TRIUMPHAL PROGRESS OF J. DAVIS FROM FORTRESS MONROE TO RICHMOND.
The “Spottswood,” Richmond, Va., }
May 13, 1867.
[figure description] Page 435.[end figure description]
*In castin a retrospective glance backerd over the pathway uv
the past, I kin see many mistakes wich I hev made. I hevn't
alluz made the most uv opportoonities — I hev doubted when
doubtin wuz a crime, and I hev stood shivrin on the brink and
feared to launch away, when on the tother side uv the Jordan
wuz pelf and profit. Our foresite isn't alluz ez good ez our
hind-site. The great error uv my life wuz not plungin headlong
into the war ez a Confedrit Major-General, distinguishin
myself for crooelty to Fedral prizners, and bein, at the close
uv the fratrisidle struggle, reseeved and embraced ez a long-lost
brother by the Northern people (lettin em kill fattid calves
for me), and uv coorse bein the objeck uv sympathy ez a
martyr by the Southern people. In this sitooashen a man
brings to his support the two extremes. He fetches together
Horris Greely from the one side, and General Boregard from
the t'other — they embrace, and standin onto both their sholders,
he hez wat may be called a soft thing uv it.
I wuz led into these train uv reflections by the experience I
hev hed with our sainted cheef, Jefferson Davis. I wuz sent
hither by the President to see that everythin wuz done for the
comfort uv the illustrious man that cood be done, on the occasion
uv his contemplatid trip to Richmond. Partikelerly I wuz
charged to see that everything calkelatid to jar onto his sensitive
feelins be removed — everythin wich cood wound his
sense uv hearin, seein, or smellin.
The grate man had consentid to go. He hed bin, he felt,
illegally deprived uv liberty — unconstooshnelly in fact — and
ef he shood consult his own feelins he wood remane; but to
-- 436 --
[figure description] Page 436.[end figure description]
forgive wuz divine. Viewin these perceedins in the lite uv an
apology, he wood go.
The day hed arrived. The steamer wuz at the Fortress
carefully prepared to receive its illustrious burden. It hed
been thoroughly cleaned and fumigated, the cabins hed bin
nooly furnisht, and speshel alterashens made for the President
and party. Ther wuz Yoonited States officers aboard; but out
of respeck for the feelins uv their illustrious “prizner,” ez he
is technically called, they kept theirselves out uv his site, that
their uniforms might not awaken onpleasant refleckshens. So
perfeck wuz the arrangements, that the railin uv the boat,
originelly bloo, wuz kivered with gray cloth, and the eagle
figger-head uv the craft wuz sawed off. This wuz sejested by
a eminent Conservative uv Noo York, who hez a large Southern
trade wich he didn't prejoodis by his course doorin the
war. The ladies' cabin wuz originelly assigned to the party;
but a female passenger hed no more regard for the comfort uv
the marter than to die on the passage, and they were deprived
uv it. The conservative merchant insisted that the corpse be
chucked overboard; but Mr. Davis, with a magnanimity characteristic
uv him, refoozed. “No,” sed he, “let her rest there.
I kin endoor the inconvenience, severe ez it is. It is but one
more attempt to break my sperit.”
All the way up the most techin deference wuz shown him.
At every landin the people assembled to greet him, wich he
acknowledged with a condesenshen I never saw before. He
conversed but little on the passage. Ez the boat wuz passin
pints made historicle by the events uv the great struggle, his
eye wood brighten, ef they wuz sich pints ez a Confedrit cood
take pride in, and dim with teers ef they wuz pints at wich
ther had bin reverses.
The most considrit preparashens hed bin made for his resepshen.
Ther wuz no irons onto him: the only guards in site
wuz them wich wuz detailed to keep the crowd from annoyin
him, and a carriage wuz in readiness, into wich we wuz driven
off at a dignified pace to that resort uv the aristocracy uv
Virginny — the Spottswood. Here, more considerashen wuz
shown. Mr. Davis bein averse to walkin up stairs, a suit uv
rooms hed bin prepared for him on the fust floor, and the
-- 437 -- p635-478
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presence uv the officer in charge, bein obnoxshus, he wuz
assigned by the Ex-President a room at the further end uv the
corridor. His nerves bein sensitive, heavy mattin wuz laid
down in all the halls, and the servants uv the house wuz
directed to wear list slippers, and to walk on their tiptoes.
I wuz invited to his room, and wuz favored with a few
minutes' conversashen with the first of Amerikens. Glancin
out uv the winder, his fine, soft, gray eyes restid on the roof
uv Libby. “Lies! lies!” sed he, angrily.
“Wat speshel lies hev yoo reference to?” askt I.
“Them wich wuz publisht in the scurrillous reports uv the
Committees uv a unconstooshnel Congris regardin the treatment
uv prizners in Libby. They asserted that the officers died
becoz they hed but ten feet by two for sleepin, washin, cookin,
and eatin. They hed that space, and wat more wuz necessary?
Why give 'em room to cook when they hedn't anythin to cook?
Wherefore room to eat ef they hedn't anythin to eat? No, its
false. It wuzn't the crowdin that perdoost the mortality.”
Only wunst wuz his buzzum wrung, and that the Government
cood not prevent. He wuz a standin at the winder, gazin
out upon Richmond, his mind revertin to the time when it wuz
the Capital uv his Confedracy, when a procession passed with
moosic, and flags, and banners. With a shreek uv anguish he
buried his head in the curtains, and wept aloud. It wuz ez I
feared. Filin slowly by wuz a percession uv niggers. “Merciful
Heaven!” sed he, “hez it come to this?” and he wuz
reserved and deprest all day.
The next day the President wuz taken to the Court. Ez he
entered the room, and glanced proudly over the awjence, it
wood hev bin very difficult to hev decided whether he wuz a
goin to try the Court or the Court him. But repressin hisself
he took his seat. Tetchin solissitood wuz displayed in the
Court Room for his comfort. A crack in the winder-casin let
in a draft uv cold air; he shuddered, and a shudder run thro
the entire assemblage. The shudder uv the Conservative
merchant uv Noo York wuz trooly artistic. Cotton wuz called
for, when the Conservative merchant's wife tore off one uv her
buzzums and stufft the apertoor. Wuz ther ever more tetchin
sacrifis? The President wept ez he beheld it. On assertanin
-- 438 -- p635-479
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the temperatoor wich best sootid his system, a thermometer
wuz brot, and the room wuz kept at that precise degree.
There wuz sum triflin legal formalities, and the President's
counsel made a motion that he be admitted to bail. There
wuz a stir in the Court. “Make it a million!” sed one, “so
that the craven North shel see how we kin take keer uv them
we love!” But Judge Underwood fixed it at $100,000, and,
brisk ez bees, a Noo York Dimocrat, several Richmond Dimocrats,
and Horris Greely, stept forrerd and signed it.
Never shel I forgit the shout that assendid ez Horris wuz a
signin his name.
“Three cheers for Jeff'son Greely and Horris Davis — one
and inseprable, now and forever!” shoutid one enthoosiastic
Confedrit.
“Immortality is yoors!” sed another. “Jeff'son Davis is
the big dog uv the age, and yoo, my deer sir, are now the tin
kittle tied to his tale! Wat joy! When posterity speeks uv
Him, they'll speek uv Yoo!”
I coodent restrane myself no more. Bustin into teers, I fell
onto Greeley's buzzum, and we embraced. Ez he hedn't his
specticles on, he sposed it wuz Davis hisself, and he bustid into
teers also, and there wuz wun uv the most strikin tabloos ever
exhibited. I got away afore he diskivered his mistake.
Here wuz the endin uv our troubles — the consummashen
uv our hopes. Davis wuz free! The pent-up emoshens uv the
people found vent. Ez he stept into the street the people
crowded to the carriage, and rent the air with cheers. We
reached the hotel, and after embracin his wife, a season of
religious exercises wuz held. The clergyman who hed excloosive
charge of Davis's piety doorin the war offered prayer. He
prayed fervently that the Lord wood forgive the people of the
North for the wrong they hed done our sainted head; that he
wood forgiv, ef possible, the late head uv the Fedral Government
who hed opposed him and the glorious coz; and ef
Divine mercy cood stretch so far, that he wood forgive the
Colonel uv Michigan cavalry which hed hunted down the Saint
who wuz now in our midst. He prayed for forgiveness for the
reckless men of the North who invaded Virginny; for the
noosepapers wich hed aboozed him who is now with us, and
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particklerly Horris Greely, who hed in some measure atoned
for his previous wickidness. He prayed that blessins might
rest, first, upon the city uv Richmond, then upon the balance
uv Virginny, and afterward upon the other Southern States;
and he wound up with a fervent appeal that the Ethiopians,
wich coodent change their skins, might see the error of their
ways, and return to their normal condishen.
I am not permitted to give more uv the President's plans
than this: He will remain in secloosion, and will take no part
watever in politics until after his final acquittal in November.
He don't feel at liberty to take hold uv the Government, so
long ez ther is even a technikle charge agin him. Our friends
in the Northern States, who expected him to take the stump in
their behalf this fall, will be disappintid.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor.
eaf635n72* The deference shown to Jefferson Davis is fairly stated in the text. He was
treated by the government more as a martyr than as a criminal.
CXLIII. AN ACCOUNT OF THE TRIP TO RALEIGH.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads, }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 10, 1867.
*I accompanied the President to Rawly. The President
doesn't feel safe at goin anywhere without me to arrange the
details, and do the nice financeerin wich is necessary.
The Rawly trip wuz the occasion of a serious truble in the
Cabinet. The President wuz in favor uv it. Ez he sed, he
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wuz essenshelly uv a filial persuasion. He hed alluz experienced
a most consoomin love for his parents, partickelerly for them
on his father's side. He hed swung around the entire cirkle
uv offishel honor, and hed found traitors on all sides; but he
cood lay his hand on his heart and say that he hed never
knowed a troo man but who, at some period uv his life, hed a
father. Why, then, shood we not honor our fathers? How
could it be better dun than by layin corner-stuns? His father
deceest in 1812, and it wuz time that this dooty wuz attended
to. Besides, at this crysis in the affairs uv the country, with
Wilson and Kelly a snortin through the South, he felt it wood
be a good thing to show ourselves.
Seward felt that it wuz well to go. Filial love wuz charmin.
Shakspeer, who wuz ez justly celebrated ez a dramatist
ez one he cood menshun wuz for diplomatic telegraffin, remarkt,
“How sharper nor a serpent's tooth it is to hev a thankless
child,” — the truth of which he hed experienced, ez he hed
been styled the father uv the Republican party: but that wuz
not to the pint. It is the dooty uv every son to lay corner-stuns.
In this case it wood, perhaps, hev bin more creditable hed it
been dun fifty years ago; but wat difference is it? It is
natral ez we are about being gathered to our fathers, that we
shood remember em. Besides, he hed a little speech wich he
felt he'd like to deliver. He wanted to bear testimony to the
patriotism uv the son uv Jacob Johnson — particularly to our
colored brethren in North Carliny, who hev bin listenin to
Kelly and Wilson.
Randall didn't bleeve in it at all. He made bold to say that
ez the deceast Johnson hed slept without a corner-stun for
fifty-five years, he'd manage to git along without it a while
longer. It wuz rather late in the day. He bleeved in feelin
sorrowful over the decease uv our relatives, but he didn't go
much on doin it fifty-five years after date. It wuz too much
like bustin into tears over the suffrins uv the last illness uv yer
wife's great-grandmother. The speeches he didn't bleeve in
at all. He hed seen some uv it — he hed accompanied one
toor uv the kind. He hed bin on it. He wuz at Cleveland, at
Indianapolis, and Springfield, Illinoy. He begged to be excoosed.
He didn't keer about tailin sich a kite agin. Ef the
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people uv the South shood receive us ez corjelly ez the people
uv the North did, he preferred to consult his feelins and be
absent. He wuz a sensitive plant, and disliked sum things.
Ef his memory served him rite, the demonstrashens coodent
be considered flatterin. The people didn't fling dead cats at
us, but they did wuss. Where they wuz cold, they wuz rather
too cold. Where they wuz in a volatile humor, they wuz
rather too lively. He hed about made up his mind that it
wuzn't uv any yoose to fite it out on that line ef it took all
summer. Success is a dooty; but when success is as impossible
ez water in the great Sahara, wat's the yoose? Wherefore
struggle? Let us go slow, draw our salaries to the end uv
our 'spective terms, and so live that wen the summons comes
to jine the innoomerable caravan that moves out uv Washinton
to'ards their 'spective homes, we go not like the dusty slave at
nite, wat's bet his all on two pair, but soothed and sustained by
wat we saved, — go like one who's got the wherewithal to
live. It wuz a source uv comfort to him to know that the
worst men wuz soon forgotten. Who ever speaks uv Tyler, or
Peerce, or Bukanon, now? Benedict Arnold is only spoken uv
on Fourth uv Julys, and Judis Iskariot on Sundays. It will be
so with us in time, for wich thank the Lord.
But it wuz determined to go, and I wuz sent to Rawly to
find where the grave uv the honored father of our honored
President wuz reely locatid, and to make other arrangements.
I hed difficulty in locatin the grave, and ain't jest shoor that I
found the right one. The people uv Rawly wuz anxshus to hev
it come off, ez trade wuz dull in the retail line; and for fear
that I wood report that the grave coodent be found, and thus
nip their budding hopes, they giv me the choice uv fifteen.
Selectin the most eligible, I made the uther arrangements and
returned.
The eggscurzion contrastid very favorbly with the one we
took last fall. The people receeved us at every stashen with
the most affectin demonstrashuns uv luv. “Johnson! Johnson!
Johnson!” they yelled at each stoppin-place, wich sounded
sweeter in his ears and mine than the damnable iterashen of
“Grant! Grant! Grant!” wich greetid us at every pint North.
But ther wuz drawbax to our enjoyment. No sooner wood the
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President commence, “Fellow-citizens!” than Randall wood
pull the bell-rope, and off the trane wood start. He wuz
determined that the President shouldent speek, wich put me to
a grate deal uv trouble, ez after we arrived I hed to write
out and telegraph to the papers the speeches the President
wood hev made.
At Rawley, General Battles welcomed the Presidential party,
and the President responded. He remarked that in Rawley
he first opened his tender eyes, a penniless boy. Here is the
scene uv his childhood; here is everything to bind man to his
fellow, and to associate him with that with wich he is associated;
here is where the tenderness uv heart hev taken holt upon
everything to wich it hez attached itself. But he wuz wandrin
from his subjick. His mind went back to the day he left this
city a penniless boy. Where is them he left behind him? He
begged to inquire where is the scenes uv his childhood?
Where's the Haywoods?
“Killed at Antietam!” shouted a returned Confedrit. “I
wuz by William's side when he wuz shot.”
“Where is the Hunters?”
“Runnin a distillery at Waxhall's Court 'ouse,” sed this same
fellow, who thot the President really wantid to know. He wuz
choked down, and the President proceeded: —
“Wher is the Roysters and the Smithses, the Brownses and
the Joneses? Wher is the long list of men that lived at that
day, and who, like me, command respeck for constancy of
devoshen? I feel proud of this demonstrashen — I feel proud
of any demonstrashen. Ez alloosion hez bin made to my boyhood
days, when I wuz a penniless boy, I may say here, ez
pertinent to that subjeck, that I hev adhered to the fundamental
principles uv the gov'ment, and to the flag and Constooshen.
But to return to my subjeck. When I went out from
among yoo a penniless boy, I adoptid the Constooshen ez my
guide, and by them I hev alluz bin guided. To the young I
would say that they will be safe in takin me ez a model.
Leavin here a penniless boy, it is not for me to say whether
or not I hev succeeded. I am no longer a penniless boy, nor
is them wich are round me. Mrs. Cobb ain't a penniless boy;
nor is — But this is a wanderin from the subjeck. For the
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-- 443 -- p635-488
[figure description] Page 443.[end figure description]
encouragement uv the young men afore me, I wood say, that I
hev enjoyed all I care about. I am no aspirant for nothing, and
therefore the way I now open for em. All places uv honor
is now before em. I thank you for this corjel welcom.
North Caroliny sent me out a penniless boy, and did not
afford me sich advantages ez, considerin my merits, I ought
to hev hed; yet I luv her. It's better ez it wuz. Goin
out a penniless boy, and returnin after holdin every offis,
from Alderman uv my adopted village up to President, shows
my qualities to much better advantage than ef I hedn't gone
out a penniless boy. I thank you for this tribute to my many
good qualities.”
And he startid to go down, when Randall whispered suthin
in his left ear. Risin promptly, and drawin out his hankerchief,
the President assoomed a look uv subdood greef, and
resoomed.
“I hev come among yoo to participate in the dedicashen uv
a monument to a man wich yoo all loved, tho it hez taken suthin
like fifty yeers for yoo to diskiver it. He wuz poor and
humble, wich akkounts for my goin from among yoo a penniless
boy; but uv him I am proud, — for hed it not been for him, I
woodent hev returned the shinin example to yoo young men
wich I am.”
The corner-stun wuz laid, and the monument set on it. It is
uv red limestone, ten foot high. It's ez good a ten foot uv
stun respeck ez there is in North Carliny. Ez the monument
was elevatid, there wuz appropriate speeches, and then my
little arrangements cum in. A nigger woman I hed took with
us from Washington rushed for'ard, and sed, “Bless de Lord,
I'ze bin a waitin for dis day to see de President, — OUR President!”
at wich a squad uv niggers I'd picked up and drilled,
hollered “'Ror!”
This little affectin sceen over, two quadroons, wich I'd also
bro't with us in a privit car, cum for'ard with a expression of
profound greef, at wich the President wept, and tenderly slung
bokays uv the choicest flowers we cood buy in Washington,
upon the tomb.
It wuz reely a techin tabloo. The ancient nigger woman a
holdin the President's hand; the young quadroons a slingin the
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bokays; the President with his head bowed, apparently a
dreamin uv the days uv his boyhood; me with an expression
uv thankfulness that the niggers hed at last recognized their
Moses; Seward with a saintly smile on his face; Welles tryin
to look ez near like Seward as possible, but failin miserably to
look like anything but the eggrejis old ass he is, and Randall
with his handkercher to his eyes ez ef onmanned by the movin
sceen, but keepin one eye cocked over the handkercher to see
how it took among the niggers. It wuz a sceen easier to be
imagined than described.
Ther wuz incidents which occurred wich did not appear in
the telegraph. When his Excellency wuz speekin uv himself,
and remarkt that his race wuz nearly run, a unregenerated
nigger yelled out, “Tank de Lord!” And when the quadroons
wuz a strewin flowers on the grave uv His Excellency's
father, I observed rather more titterin among the niggers
than I approved uv on so sollum an occasion. I askt Randall
what he thought of the speckelashen, and his answer,
“It don't pay!” struck me ez havin a vane uv trooth runnin
through it.
On our return, the President wuz allowed to speek more,
for Randall got tired of watching him. We returned in good
health, and some was in good spirits. Seward feels well, for he
hez an abidin faith that the mere showin uv hisself alluz hez
an effeck for good upon the people, and ez a matter uv
course Secretary Welles thinks so to.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor.
eaf635n73* Senator Wilson, of Massachusetts, Representative Kelley, of Philadelphia,
and other prominent Republicans, in 1867 made the tour of the Southern States,
delivering addresses in the principal cities. To neutralize the effect of their
speaking President Johnson determined to follow them, and the laying of
the corner-stone of a monument, to the memory of his father, who died in
Raleigh, N. C., many years before, was made the occasion therefor. Mr.
Nasby's account of the trip is but little exaggerated. It was as exquisitely
absurd as the great Chicago excursion.
-- 445 -- p635-490
CXLIV. THE BOSTON EXCURSION.
Tremont House, Boston }
(wich is in the Stait uv Massachoosets),
June 25, 1867.
[figure description] Page 445.[end figure description]
*The Raleigh trip scarcely over, His Serene Highness determined
upon acceptin the Boston invitashen. His corjel recepshen
in North Karliny give him a sort uv appetite for popler
applause, and he determined upon tryin it in the North agin.
At the Cabinet meetin held to discuss the question, Seward
expressed a desire to go. Welles follered Seward; but Randall
opposed it.
“But,” sed Johnson, “I feel ez though I must make one
more effort to save our errin Southren brethren.”
“Mr. President,” retortid Randall, “I recently went to raise
a corner-stun to the memry uv yoor lamentid father, who
deceest in 1812, onto wich wuz engraved these words: —
`Jacob Johnson: died from the Effex uv a Disease superindoost
by a over Effort to save his Friends from drownin.'
“Now, ef yoo persist in yoor loonacy, I shel be compelled,
after a time, in my quiet Wisconsin home, where an appreciative
constitooency will permit me to forever stay, to indite an
epitaff for the corner-stun over your politikle grave, wich I
shel do thus: —
`Hic jacet Andrew Johnson,
Who died from the Effex uv a Disease superindoost by over
Effort in a great many Attempts to save his Politikle Friends
from bein strangled.
`Po kript. — The Friends wuzn't wuth the savin.'
“But upon sekond thot I've no objeckshun to this toor.
Yoo kin do us no damage ef yoo deliver only sich speeches ez
-- 446 --
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we determine upon beforehand. Yoo go thro Delaware,
which is ourn; Noo Jersey yoo've bin thro wunst, and they
know wat to expect; Noo York will give a enthoosiastic recepshun
ef Morrisy and Wood will take holt uv it, and in Connecticut
yoor certain uv a corjel resepshen. That State is full
uv demoralized Yankee Dimocrats, who hev bin out to Michigan,
and left there all ther Puritanism, bringin back with em,
in its stead, all the cussidnis indigenous to that soil, wich
cussidness, grafted onto ther natral cutenis, makes em rather
enterprisin in ther worthlisnis. In Boston itself, the prospeck
is good. There'll be a immense crowd present to dedicate the
Masonik Temple, wich we shell claim the credit uv bringin, ez
we did the throngs which come to see us on the toor North,
but wich wood persist in hollerin `Grant!' The trooly good
men uv Boston are Ablishnists; but there's some thousands
wich want offices, and them, with a sprinklin uv Demokrats
and Conservatives, ought to make us a handsome recepshen.
There is yet men in Boston who used to return fugitive slaves,
and ther is besides the eminently respectable gentlemen who
are so conservative that they hold onto sin becoz it's old and
established by precedent, and so aristocratic that they won't do
right, jist becoz doin rite is a common thing in that seckshun;
who hold onto the cote-tale uv progress, and holler `Stop!'
and who, ef they tie theirselves to a good cause, load it down
with their dignity. Like the 2d Lootenants uv '61, their
baggage is worth more'n they are. But the trip won't hurt us.
You can't make the Ablishnists more Ablishn, and them ez
foller us for the loaves and fishes we dispense, wood still foller
us, ef the road we took led ez strate through perdishen ez a
pigeon wood fly. It may be that it's the method by wich we
shel finally carry Noo England. Pope sez, —
`Vice is a monster uv such hidjus mien,
That to be hated needs but to be seen.'
“Now, ef we follered the poet no further, we shood never
go, but each one wood keep ez close in his respective apartment
ez possible. But, knowin mankind, he goes on: —
`But seen too oft, familiar with its face,
We first endoor, then pity, then embrace.'
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“That's it. We must be seen too oft. We must make em
familiar with our face. Ef we stay long enuff, I don't despair
uv seein Boston give yoo an ovashen, and seein yoo locked
in the arms uv Wendell Phillips. Ef they commence pityin
you, the reackshen will take them to the embracin, and it seems
ez though they ought to be at that pint by this time. And
then ef yoo make this toor, and say nothing ideotik, the very
novelty uv it will bewilder the people.”
And so it wuz decided to go. Thro Maryland the resepshens
wuz all that we desired, and in Delaware the people
come in crowds to greet us; tho the cheers partook so much
uv the nacher uv the cheerful yells wich the Confedrit soljers
employed when they charged, that Sekretary Seward's nerves
wuz somewhat shockt. Ez Philadelphy didn't offer us the
hospitalities uv the city, we didn't stop ther at all. The trane
run around it, the President's nose bein elevatid all the time
ez tho he smelt suthin. When it hed finally passed, Mr. Randall
announst the fact, and the Presidenshel face assoomed its
yoosual benine expression ez we glided into the sacred soil uv
Noo Jersey.
In Noo York, Morrissy hed done his part. Ther wuz spectable
bodies uv cheerers at the pints agreed upon, and, ez they
hed bin paid librally, the spontaneous enthoosiasm wuz ez
good in quality ez it wuz large in quantity. Occasionally a
cheerer, wich hed taken too much uv his wages in advance,
wood yell for Jeff'son Davis, but it wuzn't notist. It didn't
mar the pleasant uniformity uv the proceedins, or strike anybody
ez bein singler. They tried terrible hard to git a speech
out uv us, and the President wuz willin; but Randall, seein
reporters present, supprest him, and got him off to bed comparatively
sober, and very early.
Arrivin at Boston, I wuz surprized at the length, depth, and
breadth uv the enthoosiasm wich greeted us. Ez ef to show
ther greef at the death uv Presidents, we notist everywhere
the portraits of our predecessor, Linkin, draped in mournin, at
wich the President dropt a teer, sayin, “See how they mourn
us wen we're everlastinly gone!” Ther wuz a sort uv subdood
enthoosiasm, a kind uv half-mournin gladnis, ef I may say so,
wich wuz gratifyin.
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We wuz receeved by Gov'nor Bullock, whose speeeh wuz a
noble triboot to the President. “I welcome yoo,” sed he, “to
Massachoosits. Many Presidents hev visited Noo England, and
this visit, like theirn, excites devoshen to the Yoonion, and
respeck for them, wich, in their offishel posishen, respeck the
government uv the whole country. Our desire is to manifest
our regard for those who, in offishel capacity, respeck the
Nashnel Yoonion, wich is to say, we respeck the Nashnel
Yoonion. I trust the President will stay long enuff to enable
us to manifest our high regard for — (here the President's face
brightened up) YOOR OFFIS! (the President turned frightfully
red, wich Bullock, whose principles wuz a rasslin a back holt
with his politeness, notist, and he added) — AND TO YOO
PERSONALLY!”
Ez them last words ishood slowly and despritly, the President's
face lighted up. He tendered him thanks for the
resepshun. He woodent undertake to conceel emoshens which
agitated him at this personel welcome upon the soil uv Massachoosits.
It wuzn't necessary for him to go into the histry
uv Massachoosets ez he wuz in the habit uv doin further
South, ez those afore him wuz probably ez familyer with it ez
he wuz; but he wood ashoor em, for their encouragement, that
the histry uv Massachoosits, in conneckshn with the histry uv
these States, hez become a part uv the histry uv the country;
and therefore, in visitin Massachoosits under sich pekoolyer
circumstances, it is pekoolyerly gratifyin to receeve sich a
welcome. In regard to yoor remarks tetchin the preservashen
uv these States, I trust I may say without egotism, a vice
wich I hev never bin accused uv, and from wich I may say no
one is more singlerly free than myself, I yield to no patriot,
livin or dead, in my devoshen, to that purpose. I dislike
speekin, ez I kin trooly say that I am not loquashus; but when
trooth, wich I love, and the cause uv humanity, wich I tie to,
is at stake, I hev spoke. I may say, without egotism, that I
live for principle; and I thank the people uv Massachoosits,
wich my visit hez drawd to Boston, for the outburst uv regard
wich greets me. Without egotism I may say, that it's a outburst
ekalled by few and excelled by none ever given a President
in the Yoonited States or elsewhere; and it is my prayer
-- 449 --
[figure description] Page 449.[end figure description]
that comin in contact with me will do the people uv Boston
good. Yoor remarks, not referrin directly to me, on the
Rooshn purchis, and a more economical collecshin uv the
internal revenue, also meets my corjel approbashen, lovin ez
I do my common country.”
Randall pulled at his coat-tale, when the President remarkt
that he might say, without egotism, that he didn't desire to
make a speech, and stopt. We brought him off in comparatively
good order.
We stopt at the Tremont House. It is a good hotel, and the
waiters are, ez they ought to be, niggers. It's soothin to a troo
Dimekrat to be waited on by a nigger. You kin damn a nigger
waiter, but put a white man in that posishen and yoo feel a
delicacy about it. When we retired, the President insisted
that I shood sleep lyin across the doorway uv his room.
“Why?” asked I.
“I am in Boston,” replied he, “wher they stun the prophets.
Boston dislikes me. Boston wears to-day a smilin face; but
wat kind uv a hart does that smilin face conceal? Sumner
lives in Boston, and so does Phillips. In Boston they elect
niggers to the Legislacher, and are tryin to stop the sale uv
whiskey. Wat kind uv a place is that for a Dimekratic President
to trust hisself into? Yoo sleep across my doorway, and
ef a band uv Ablishnists, deemin me their foe, shood strive to
enter, they wood hev to first sheath their daggers in yoor
body. Meanwhile I wood escape, and continyoo to live for my
lovd country. Yoo cood, by preparin beforehand a few impressive
last words, make a gorjus death uv it, and do the coz
good. For instance, ez Sumner stuck yoo, yoo cood gasp,
“Slay me, but spare A. J., the hope uv the Republic.” Or, ez
Wilson struck yoo down with a bludgeon, yoo mite exclaim,
“I die willinly for the Constitooshen with 36 stars onto it.”
Any little quotashen from any uv my speeches, joodiciously
throwd in under sich circumstances, wood do good. Yoo will
sleep ther to-night; and remember, in case you are called upon
to die, the proper quotashens.”
Seward concurred, but Randall objectid. He didn't anticipate
any sich danger. Ef Boston wants to git rid uv the
President, they hev a shorter way than assassinashen. Rash
-- 450 -- p635-495
[figure description] Page 450.[end figure description]
politishuns only assassinate them wich they can't find cause
to impeach. But he wuzn't afraid uv Boston. We stood a
better chance uv dying of excessive hospitality in Boston than
uv bein stabbed. Our stumicks mite protrude in Boston, but
our bowels never. Boston wood feast us, for ther are enuff
men in Boston who want posishsn to keep us a goin a year or
two. He feared dyspepsia more than daggers, and hed no
fears uv the wine bein pizened.
Nevertheless, I wuz forced to sleep in that posishen, wich I
did, wakin up in the mornin ez sore and stiff ez a plow-hoss.
I don't know how far the trip will be extended.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor.
eaf635n74* The Masonic bodies could not dedicate their magnificent temple without
inviting the President of the United States to participate in the ceremonies.
As usual he tried to turn the visit to New England to account. He was treated
with respect, and that was all.
CXLV. MR. NASBY DREAMS A DREAM.
Tremont House, Boston }
(wich is in the Stait uv Massachoosets),
June 29, 1867.
*Last nite I received a letter from Deekin Pogram, in wich
he desired me to ascertain whether or no there wuz eny
bottom to the Northern Dimocrisy. Captain McPelter sed the
Northern Dimocrisy wus strong enuff to carry us uv Kentucky
throo, while Pollock, the Illinoyer, swore the Northern Dimocrisy
hed a considerable more to do to carry themselves than
they hed bin able to accomplish for some time — that in a
pullin match a corpse wuzn't uv much akkount, ef it wuz a big
one. With this letter in my hand I fell asleep, and dreemed.
Methawt I wuz in Noo Orleans at a gatherin uv the Faithful,
-- 451 --
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who wuz called together for the purpose of considrin wat to
do. Sum few wuz in favor uv submission, and hed got the
majority uv the Southern people to agree with em that ther
wuz no yoose uv further resistance, and they wuz jist about to
so declare, when Vallandigham, Ben Wood, Toucey, Morrissey,
Voorhees, and a score or two more uv that kind, rushed in and
begged uv em to hold out. “Why submit?” sed Vallandigham.
“We'll sustain yoo. Northern Dimocrisy is a giant
wich kin yet pertect yoo. He's in his prime, and strong enuff
yit to carry yoo throo twice the troubles wich threatens yoo.
Depend onto us — we'll carry yoo.”
And the Southerners whopped over to their side and yelled
fiercely, “No submission!” and immejitly the entire bilin uv
em startid North with these men, to ascertain the strength and
carryin capacity uv the Northern Dimocrisy. Methawt the
party travelled until they come to a vast plain in Kentucky,
onto wich wuz extendid the prostrate form uv a Giant. It
was a Giant, immense in statoo, but emaciated to the last
degree. His limbs hed bin strong, his teeth terrible, and his
trunk massive; but it wuz plane to see that he wuz pegged
out, and a look at its face showed why it wuz so. Dissipation
had redoost him to helplessnis. His face wuz bloatid and bloo,
his eyes wuz sot and ghastly, his chest was holler and sunken,
his legs like pipe-stems, and ulcers, boils, sores, broozes, and
contooshens kivered him from head to foot, and he drawd his
breath with a effort.
He lay a groanin and a groanin. Randall wuz a tenderly
feedin him out uv a huge bottle, labelled “Appintments,”
which appeared to give him temprary strength; but the effect
of that wuz lost by President Johnson's dosin him with an
offensiv smellin mixter, labelled “Policy,” every swaller uv
wich wood throw him into a spasm. Governor English was
rubbin one arm with a liniment Randall gave him, and hed
succeeded in gittin up a little circulation in it.
“Wat is this?” askt the Southerners.
“Northern Dimocrisy!” sed English, rubbin away vigrously.
“Is this the Giant which is to carry us?” said the Southern
gentleman, viewin the disgustin objict doubtfully.
“Certainly!” sed Johnson. “Now can't you git up?” sed
-- 452 --
[figure description] Page 452.[end figure description]
he to the prostrate bein, givin it a very large swaller out uv
his bottle. The Giant made an effort, but flopped down agin
like a dish-rag.
“Gentlemen!” sed Vallandigham, “we shel hev to call upon
you to assist in settin him onto his feet, and then it'll be all rite
with him. He's bin this way afore.”
Accordingly, the Southerners gathered around him to lift
him up. His arms, I notist, wuz marked respectively Connecticut
and Delaware, and his legs Maryland and Kentucky, and
in them there wuz strength, for ez soon ez the innocent Southerners
got near enuff he wrapped them limbs around em, and
sed, “Lift!”
“We can't,” sed they.
“Yoo must,” sed he; “I got into this condishen fightin yoor
battles, and doin yoor work. I was strong and vigorous until
I got to runnin after yoor harlots; and for yoor sake I wuz
druv out uv my native States into this accussid region. Yoo
must carry me wat time I hev yet to live. Hist me!”
Those caught coodent get away, and the others generously
come to ther aid, and makin a terrible effort, they raised the
half-dead bein onto their shoulders, holdin their noses meanwhile,
and prepared to start. Es the percession wuz about to
move, Vallandigham remarked, “Stop a minit, gentlemen!”
and, loaded ez he wuz with his war record, he clambered up
ther shoulders and took a seat on the carkiss. Voorhees, jist
ez badly encumbered, did likewise, and so did the Woods, and
Bookannan, Seymour, Toucey, and a hundred or so more, the
unfortunit bearers sweatin under this addishnal load.
“Is all ready?” sed they.
“One moment!” sed Johnson, and him, and Randall, and
Seward climbed up.
This wuz the last feather. The bearers mite hev staggered
off under the carkiss, and them wich climbed onto it first, but
this last addishn to ther burden wuz friteful. It finisht em.
Groanin under the weight, they swayed like a leaf in the
wind, — like a majestic tree jist about to fall. They struggled
a minit to maintain themselves — but in vain. A breef struggle—
a desprit gasp — they give up, and ther knees doublin
up, the whole concern come to the earth with a squashin sound,
-- 453 -- p635-498
[figure description] Page 453.[end figure description]
and the half-decomposed mass sorter fell apart. Raymond and
Thurlow Weed, wich hed bin hangin round, got out from under
jist in time to save theirselves. The Southerners got out
from under the putrid mass, tho almost smothered by the
stench. Vallandigham and that class made lite uv it, ez they
had bin around it. It staggered Johnson some, but he hed
bin accustomed to suthin approximatin very closely to it in
the old times, and it didn't serously affect him; but poor
Randall, Seward, and Welles were smothered, and died.
I wuz tryin to pull Randall's corpse out, when the effort
I wuz makin awoke me.
I ain't altogether certain but that that dream means suthin.
When I think of it, it is rather preposterous for us to hope the
Northern Dimocracy will carry us, when they can't carry a
single State uv their own; jist about ez preposterous ez it is
for them to look to us for help, when all uv us ez wood jine
em hevn't got a vote. Pollock's remark, — “In a pullin match,
a corpse ain't of muck akkount, even ef it is a big one,” —
weighs onto my mind. Suthin can't come out uv nothin;
tho ez in the case uv Seward, nothin may come out uv suthin.
Ef we cood git — but, pshaw! we can't. Thank the Lord, we
kin hold the Post offises two years yit.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor.
eaf635n75* The more sagacious of the Southern Democracy were for a long time
anxious to submit to the inevitable results of the war, but the masses were kept
in a state of turmoil by the promises of the Northern Democracy to carry them
through. And these promises were made in full view of their inability to carry
any of the Northern States.
CXLVI. THE NEGRO QUESTION. — THE CHANGE.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the State uv Kentucky),
July 19, 1867.
The Radikel party hed bin forst into takin nigger suffrage
into their embrace, and methinks we hev em now. To aid our
friends in the North, we hev taken the step backward, and are
now where we started from. The directers uv the college
-- 454 --
[figure description] Page 454.[end figure description]
met and changed the name uv the Institooshn back to the
“Southern Military and Classikle Institoot,” and the Corners
wuz itself agin. Deekin Pogram lookt ez tho ten years hed
bin lifted off him. “How pleasant 'tis,” sed he, “to walk erect
agin in front uv a nigger, and to pass em ez tho they wuz
niggers! O, ef I cood only wallop one wunst more, methinks
I cood die happy!”
The trouble is, we oppose nigger suffrage from too many
stand-pints. Some oppose it on the skore uv the inferiority of
the Afrikin; but our people may hev assented to it outwardly,
but in ther own minds they objected. “Ef,” sed a reliable
Dimokrat to hisself, “ef that's the rool, WAT IN THUNDER IS TO
BECOME UV ME!”
Likewise the idea uv onfitness. “They can't read nor rite!”
shreeks a injoodishus cuss, speekin to a audience, two thirds
uv wich go to him reglerly to reed their ballots to em, and
who, when they sign promissory notes, put an X atween their
first and last names.
Anuther speeker quotes Noah to em, and boldly asserts that
the nigger is the descendant uv Ham, and that he is the identikle
indivijjle wich wuz cust by Noah; but he runs agin the
fact that the rest uv em, wich is in Afrika yet, hev managed to
dodge the cuss, ez they ain't servin ther white brethren, and
them wich wuz brot here to be Chrischinized hev busted ther
bonds, and are jest about ez free ez anybody.
I want a Convenshun uv the lights uv the party to set forth
authoritively WHY we oppose nigger suffrage — to give a
reason for it, that all our people may act together, ez do other
well-regulated machines.
I hev made up my mind wot platform to lay down. I shel
go back on Ham, Hager, and Onesimus. I shel turn from the
inferiority idea, and take the broad ground that the nigger is a
beast; that he ain't a man at all; and consekently he hez no
more rites than any other animal. I put my foot onto him by
authority of the decree that unto man wuz given dominion
over the beasts; that we are men, and they are beasts. Ef
they admit the first proposishen, they will the last. I shel
assert boldly and brodly his onfitnis to mingle with us, becoz
his fizzikle structure bein different, goes to show that he wuz
-- 455 --
[figure description] Page 455.[end figure description]
uv a different origin, and uv a lower origin. I shel plant
myself on the stoopenjus, yet simple proposishen, that the
Almity made him at a different time and for a different purpus,
wich I shel show by citin the color uv his skin, the length
uv his foot, the shape uv his head, and sich other matters as I
kin git together in time for the Convenshen.
Uv course this doctrine will meet with objectors. We hev a
few thin-skinned perfessers uv religion, whose piety service in
our ranks hezn't quite obliterated, who will say that these dogmas
undermines the Christian religion. To this I shel answer,
Uv wot comparison is any religion a Orthodox Dimocrat hez
to a triumph uv the party? Wot hez Dimocrisy to do with
religion anyhow? It hez never permitted it to mix in its
pollytix. Dimocrisy bleeves in keepin Church and State ez
far apart ez possible.
Shood the Ablishnists pint to niggers wich reed and write,
I say to-wunst that there is different degrees uv instink, —
that ez one dorg hez more instink than another, that so one
nigger hez more than another; and then I shood wind this
answer up by askin him, “Sir, wood you force yoor dawter to
marry a nigger, even ef he cood reed and write?” This hez
alluz done good service, partikelerly ef yoo walk hurridly
away before there is time for an answer.
Ther is one pint wich is a stumper — but only one. One
man to whom I unfolded this theory, asked me, sneerinly, wat
I wuz a goin to do with a mulatter who wuz half white and
half black — half man and half beast — half instink, wich dies
with him, and half sole, wich wuz to be saved and fitted for
the skies, or lost? When a mulatter dies, wat then? Does
the half sole uv the half man drag the instink uv the beast
behind it in a limpin, lop-sided fashion, into heaven? or does
the instink drag the sole into the limbo for animals? “Ef this
latter idea be correct,” sed he, “in that limbo how much Southern
sole is floatin about, held in solooshen in animal instink!”
We hed a meetin last nite to consider this nigger question,
wich wood hev resultid in great good, and hed a powerful
inflooence towards strengthenin the hands uv our brethren in
the North, who are fightin the heresy uv nigger suffrage, hed
it not bin for that irritashen, Pollock, and that pest, Joe Bigler.
-- 456 --
[figure description] Page 456.[end figure description]
I hed made my regler speech on the nigger, and with much
effect. I hed quoted from sumboddy's quotashen from Agassiz,
which demonstrated the radicle difference there is atween the
Afrikin and the proud Caucashen, arguin from the length uv
his heel and arm, the thickness uv his skull, and so forth, that
the nigger wuz totally unfit to exercise the rites uv free men.
I wuz applauded vociferously, and by none more than Pollock
and Joe Bigler. Ez I took my seat, and wuz a wipin the perspirashen
from my classikle brow, feelin that I hed settled that
question, Pollock riz, and desired to say a few words.
“I hev listened with interest to the elokent speeker, and am
happy to say I hev learned fax wich is new to me. Ef I hev
ever doubted the inferiority uv the nigger, them doubts are
removed, pervidin alluz, that the statements uv the speeker is
troo, uv wich I hev no doubt, ez the caracter uv the speeker is
a suffishent guarantee for the trooth uv wichever he sez.”
I bowed, stately-like, with the air uv one to whom sich compliments
wuz a every-day affair, wich they ain't, by no means;
on the contrary, quite the reverse.
“But I want it demonstrated to the satisfackshen uv the
most obtoose. I want rite here a measurement uv the average
Afrikin and the average white man, that all the world may
know the difference. I move that it be did.”
I acceded. “Let it be done,” sed I, “that the vexed question
may be settled forever.”
Joe Bigler sed he saw Napoleon Johnson — a nigger wich
wunst belonged to Deekin Pogram — in the audience. “Napoleon,”
sed he, “will yoo contribbit yoorself to the great
science uv ethnology? Ain't yoo willin to let us yoose yoo a
while to demonstrate the grate and growin trooth, that yoor
grandfather wuz a monkey? Step up, Napoleon.”
Napoleon stept up, and Pollock and I measured him, with
this result: —
| Height |
5 feet 8 inches. |
| Weight |
150 lbs. averdupoise. |
| Length uv foot |
12 inches. |
| Breadth uv foot |
5 inches. |
| Length uv hand |
8½ inches. |
-- 457 --
[figure description] Page 457.[end figure description]
| Breadth uv hand |
4 inches. |
| Length uv forearm |
11 inches. |
| Length uv bone from ankle to knee |
6 inches. |
| Projeckshun uv heel |
4 inches. |
| Capassity uv skull, wich, bein the top or
cap uv the vertebral column, so to
speek, is, accordin to Hippocratees, a
trooly scientific Greek, a very important
bone for pretty much all uv the
races |
66 cubic inches. |
“Now,” sed Pollock, “let us examine in the same way a
avrage specimen uv the Caucashen race, ez he is found in this
delectable spot. Will Issaker Gavitt be good enuff to step
forrerd? I perpose to demonstrate the sooperiority uv the
Caucashen with a two foot rool. Figgers won't lie.”
Issaker stept up and wuz measured: —
| Height |
5 feet 8 inches. |
| Weight |
150 lbs. |
| Length uv hand |
7½ inches. |
| Breadth uv hand |
3½ inches. |
| Length uv foot |
11 inches. |
| Breadth uv foot |
4½ inches. |
| Projeckshen uv heel |
1½ inches. |
| Length uv forearm |
10 inches. |
| Length uv bone from ankle to knee |
15 inches. |
| Capassity uv skull |
97 cubic inches. |
Pollock wuz delited! “Here,” sed he, “it is in a nut-shell.
Issaker hez a shorter hand, a more narrer hand, a shorter and
narrerer foot, and his heel projecks less than the nigger's by
2½ inches! Good Lord, how I hev bin deseeved! Wat errors
I hev bin nussin! How kin a human bein hev intelleck whose
heel projecks four inches? How rejoict am I that I am at last
set rite on these important pints!”
I smiled beniantly onto him.
Bigler riz. “I, too,” sed he, “am satisfied that the nigger
is not wat we, who wuz disposed to consider him fit to exercise
-- 458 --
[figure description] Page 458.[end figure description]
rites, supposed him to be. I held firm when the measurement
uv his hands and arms wuz bein made, but the heel staggered
me. It's clear that no one kin hev intelleck whose leg isn't set
in his foot better than that. I shel persoo this investigashen.
Hevin now a startin-pint, — a heel, ez I may say, to stand on,—
I shel go on to prove the inferiority uv the nigger. With
that heel for a fulcrum, I shel, with the lever uv trooth, proceed
to upset the fabric uv nigger ekality, and carry confooshen
into Boston. I shel assoom that Napoleon is a average specimen
uv the lower, or unintellectooal Afriken type. Is it so?”
“It is! It is!” yelled we all, delited at the happy turn the
thing wuz takin.
“I shell also assoom that Issaker Gavitt is a avrage uv the
higher or intellectooal Caucashen type. Is it so?”
“Certinly! Certinly!”
“Very well. Now quake, Massachoosets! Napoleon, kin
yoo read?”
I saw the trap into wich we hed fallen, and risin hastily,
protestid that the examinashen hed bin carried far enuff,
but Bigler swore he wuz a goin to kiver Massachoosets with
shame.
“Kin yoo read, Napoleon?”
“Yes, sah!”
“Read this, then,” sed Bigler, handin him a noosepaper.
The nigger read it ez peert ez a Noo England skool marm,
wich well he mite, ez he learned it from one uv em.
“Kin yoo write?”
“Certinly;” and takin a pencil he writ half uv the Declarashen
uv Independence.
“Set down, Napoleon. It's a devilish pity yoor heels is so
long; otherwise yood be credited with hevin intellek. Now
Issaker, my bold Caucashen, kin yoo read?”
“I protest!” shreeked I, in agony. “Issaker, don't answer
the skoffer at ethnology!”
But Issaker, white ez a sheet, and tremblin under the eye
uv Bigler, stuttered “No!”
“Kin yoo rite, my gay desendant uv the sooperior race?”
“No!”
“Kin yoo cipher?”
-- 459 -- p635-504
[figure description] Page 459.[end figure description]
“What in thunder's the yoose uv cipherin, when the old man
alluz kep a nigger to do his figgerin?”
“Set down, Issaker. We're done with you. There's an
error sumwher. The nigger's capassity uv skull is less by
sevral cubic inches, but he seems to hev made a lively yoose
uv wat he hez. But it's all rite, Parson. Issaker shel vote, and
the nigger shan't. Reedin and writin never wuz a qualificashen
for votin down here, any way. Possibly the seat uv the
intellek is in the heel instead uv the brain, wich accounts
for the nigger's hevin the most uv it.”
And Pollock and Bigler, and the niggers present, left the
meetin-house, laffin uproarously.
I doubt whether the result uv the investigashen will help
our friends North. The fact is, it wuz overdone. It wuz
carried too fur. There is a pint at wich facts ought to stop —
Dimekratic facts in partikeler. In this instance, the investigashen
shood never hev bin carried beyond the heel. Hed it
stopt there, we wood hev hed em. But carryin it to the
radical pint to wich Bigler and Pollock took it, the foundashen
we built wuz upset, and we are all at sea agin.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CXLVII. A CONSULTATION AT THE CORNERS, FOLLOWED BY A DREAM.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
August 1, 1867.
*Last nite there wuz a convocashen uv the saints connected
with the Institoot, to take sweet counsel together onto matters
connected with the institooshen uv learnin, the success uv
-- 460 --
[figure description] Page 460.[end figure description]
wich is so dear to all uv us. The conversashen happened to
turn upon the conferrin uv honorary degrees, Deekin Pogram
sed that he hed notist that all the leadin colleges uv the
country hed a practis uv conferrin titles, sich as “M. D.,”
“A. B.,” “LL. D.,” and sich, onto distinguished men, though he
wuz free to say that he didn't know wat in thunder they meant,
or wat they wuz good for; but he hed notist in a noospaper
that no college hed yet conferred any sich onto Androo Johnson.
He wood sejest that ez a rebook to the hide-bound institooshens
uv the North, this college do to-wunst confer all uv
em, and ez meny more ez there is, onto Mr. Johnson. Bascom
remarkt that he didn't kno whether the President wood feel
complimentid. “You know, Deekin,” sed he, “that this ain't
much uv a college.”
“Troo,” sed the blessid old peece uv innosence, “troo, troo;
but then, to balance that, Johnson ain't much of a President,
yoo kno.”
And so the honorary degrees wuz conferred, and notis
thereof wuz sent him immejitly. From this the question uv
the next nominee uv the party for President came up. Bascom,
who isn't a far-seein man, asserted that it wood be necessary
to nominate Grant. The Deekin remarkt that he thought
it wood be safe, but McPelter thought different. He didn't
bleeve, in the first place, that it become a Peace party, or at
least a party wich, ef it dipped its hands in gore at all, did
it mostly in Northern gore, to take up a Northern General,
wich hed dun his best towards sendin many thousands of
Southners to their long homes; and besides, the General
wouldn't take it.
Various opinions wuz expressed by various persons, when,
without comin to any conclusion, we separatid. I retired that
nite earlier than usual, and, dwellin on the chances uv my
continuin in offis in case uv Grant's accession, I fell into a
troubled sleep and dreamed a dream.
Methawt gathered in front uv the White House wuz a
galliant array uv our friends. There wuz Franklin Peerce, and
Bookanan, and Vallandigum, and the Woods, and Magoffin, and
Monroe, and Brite, and Breckinridge, and the leaders uv the
Dimocrisy, all a standin ther lookin wishfully at the White
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[figure description] Page 461.[end figure description]
House, and wonderin how and by wat means they cood git in.
Johnson, blessins on his head, stood onto the portico wavin to
'em to come, but alass! guardin the passage stood a mighty
host uv Ablishnists, armed and clad in armor, and in such
force ez to make the stormin uv it hopelis.
“How shall we get in?” sighed Belmont.
“Ah, indeed, how?” ansered Henry Clay Dean.
“That's the great question?” ekoed Wood.
“My friends,” sed Thurlow Weed, “it's easy enuff. When
you can't sore like the eagle, crawl like the snake. Sorein is
preferable, but crawlin will do at a pinch. Is there not the
Lion uv the Republic? Can't you git him out and mount him?
The Ablishnists hev a regard for that same Lion, and will never
discharge ther arrers at you when yoor on his back, for fear
uv killin him. Besides, yoor ridin him will in some degree doo
away with the prejoodis they hev agin yoo.”
“But how kin we mount him?” said they.
“Trust to us for that,” said Weed, and him and Raymond
trotted off together.
They got the Lion out, but ez soon ez he cast his eyes onto
the crowd, he uttered a roar which struck terror into their
soles, and lashed the ground with his tail, and cast up dust
with his claws, in a manner fearful to behold.
“He'll never stand it!” said Weed, “onless he's blindfolded;”
and Thurlow wrapped Raymond like a wet dish-rag
over his eyes; and that done, him and Randall pared his nails
and blunted his teeth (so that ef the bandage should wriggle
off, and he shood see wher he wuz, he coodent hurt anybody),
and shaved his mane, till he looked like a very innocent Lion
indeed, so that his appearance woodent startle them not used
to his fiercenis, and in that condishen they led him very quietly
down to the crowd and give the word to mount.
Wat a scramble ther wuz! They piled on from the tip uv
his ears to the end uv his tale; and them wich coodent git on
for lack uv room, hung to the feet uv them wich had got on,
until it wuz nothin less than a pirrymid of Democrats.
Finally, when all wuz loaded, the word wuz given, and the
Lion moved off. They wuz delited. He hed strength enuff to
carry em, and he wuz a carryin em strate to the White House,
and at a good pace, too.
-- 462 --
[figure description] Page 462.[end figure description]
Ez they approached the portals, the Ablishn defenders uv the
place opened onto em.
“Hold!” said Weed, “wood you destroy the Lion uv the
Republic?”
“Stay yoor hands!” shreeked Raymond. “The savior uv
the country is under us.”
But they lafft them to scorn.
“It's Brite and Vallandighum, the Woods, et settry, we're
firin at,” shreekt they, singin, as they fought, “The Battle Cry
uv Freedom,” “John Brown's body lies a mouldin in the
grave!” and sich other sacriligious odes. “It's them we see,
and them we'll kill.”
And they belted away, till the whole mass wuz stretched
dead and dyin on the plain.
Then they came up and began to turn over the corpses, one
by one, until at last they came to the body uv the Lion, which,
peerced thro and thro, wuz ez dead ez any uv em.
“My God!” sed they, “it is the Lion after all!”
“And we've slayed him!” sed another.
“Well!” remarkt a third, “we coodent help it. He was so
kivered up with this carrion that I coodent make out what it
wuz they wuz a ridin. Let us give him a decent burial for the
good he hez done, and forget, ef we kin, the company he
died in.”
And at this kritikle juncture I awoke.
I hev an idea I can see a sort uv a warnin in this dream. It
occurs to me, —
1st. That if we do ride Grant, we'll hev to divest him uv his
mane, teeth, and claws, wich is the identical qualities wich
makes him valuable to us.
2d. That with us on his back, we will probably succeed in
killing him without savin us. Grant might deodorize a dozen
or two uv us, but the whole party! Faugh! It wood be a
pint of cologne to a square mile uv carrion.
3d. That ef we wuz wrapt all around him, the people woodent
be able to see him anyhow, and wat good wood he do us?
Interpretin the dream thus, I shel oppose the nomination.
Besides, I doubt whether all the Weeds and Raymonds in the
country kin so manipulate him ez to bring him quietly into our
-- 463 -- p635-508
[figure description] Page 463.[end figure description]
ranks. We mite possibly go over to him, and thus git the
privilege of votin for him, but wherefore? How about the
offisis then? Ef the Ablishnists vote for him, and we vote for
him, the obligation is ekal, and between us is ther any doubt
wich he'd chose? I don't want to take sich chances. I'm
opposed to the movement. I care not what others may do, but
ez for me, give me straightout Dimocrisy or nothin. McClellan
wuz a vencher wich satisfied me ez to the propriety uv undertakin
to set a roarin lion a convoyin a flock uv peaceful lambs
into green pasters.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n76* The Democracy in 1867 really contemplated the nomination of General
Grant for the Presidency; indeed, the leaders went so far as to intimate to him
that he could have the position if he would accept it.
CXLVIII. AN AMNESTY PROCLAMATION.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 10, 1867.
*I wuz brot to Washinton by a despatch. His Eggslency hed
at last determined to put his foot down — to assert his power,
and to take measures sich ez wood bring to the top, where
they properly belong, that large class uv the citizens uv the
Republic who wuz engaged in the little onpleasantnis, wich
the Ablishnists took advantage uv to deprive em uv their
rites, and to keep em from exercisin the inflooence in the
government they are, and alluz wuz, entitled to. In short,
ez Congress wuz adjourned, and coodent, by no means, be
got together till November, the President wuz convinced
that it wuz his dooty to improve his time, and be reelly
President.
-- 464 --
[figure description] Page 464.[end figure description]
The consultation over the Proclamation wuz long and painful.
Binckley, who is now runnin the government mostly, hed
written the whereases, wich is the most uv the document.
Seward hed taild onto em the Proclamation proper, wich wuz
so small ez to give it a tad-pole appearance, and it wuz to be
discussed. All uv em wuz in favor uv it but me. Ez anxious
ez I wuz for the liberashen uv our friends in the Southern
States; ez anxious ez I wuz to give that blessid saint, Deekin
Pogram, a chance to wallop a nigger agin afore he died, without
bein interfered with by a bloo-coated hirelin, I still hed a
dread. “Dare yoo,” sed I, “go further in this biznis? Isn't
impeachment at the end uv it, ef yoo stir up this matter?
And with Wade in the Presidenshel chair — my God! Pollock
wood hev MY post-offis! My liege, I hed a dream last nite.
Methawt —”
“Go on with the dream,” sed His Eggslency. “Go on, and
I will be yoor Joseph to interpret it.”
“Kin yoo assoom the caracter uv Joseph, and carry it out,”
sed Randall, “with Mrs. Cobb in Washinton?”
This interupshen preventid me from narratin my dreem, so I
resoomed at the pint at wich I wuz interruptid. “And my
opinion is the opinion uv all yoor appintees. The offis-holder
is naterally a Conservative. Agitashun, my liege, mite shake
us out uv our places. On yoo we hang, — yoo are our hope,
our anker, and our cheefest trust.”
And my remarks, wich I delivered with a tremblin voice, and
with teers rollin down my furrowed cheeks, — I felt the solemnity
uv the occasion, for wat cood I do ef turned out into the
cold world at my age? — wuz receeved with peals uv lafture.
“My deer sir!” sed A. J., “yoor innosence surprises me.
Impeach me! Never, so long ez filial and family love is a distinguishin
carakteristic uv the leedin minds uv America, —
never, so long ez a senator hez a nephew to provide for, or a
brother who wants a place. Ah! that love uv blood relashuns!
Wat a beautiful thing it is! And how strong is the
marriage relation wich prompts a man, when he hez promised
to love, cherish, and protect a wife, to go cherishin and protectin
all her brothers' and her sisters' children — the love goin
frekently, like leprosy, to the third generashun! Thank the
-- 465 --
[figure description] Page 465.[end figure description]
Lord for it! It's my only holt! Set yoor mind at eeze by
peroozin these,” and he tost me a bundle uv letters, neatly
done up, and labelled “Letters from Radicle Members uv the
House and Senit.”
A lite dawned onto me ez I opened the first one. It wuz
from a distinguished Senator, and read, ez near ez I kin
remember now, thus: —
“Senit Chamber, March 6, 1867.
“To the President: Notwithstandin the slite difference uv
opinion that may egzist between us on certin minor questions
uv public policy, and despite the unguarded expressions I may
hev indulged in in the heet uv debate, I kin trooly say that I
hev ever cherished the most endoorin faith in the rectitood uv
yoor intenshuns, the honesty uv yoor purpose, and the purity
uv yoor motives. I hev a nephew in my State who desires
the posishen uv Assessor uv Internal Revenoo. He is capable
and honest; and while he hez alluz voted the Republican
ticket, he hez dun it so mildly ez not to be objeckshenable to
those who differ with him. Indeed, last fall he wuz accoosed,
and perhaps justly, uv votin for a candidate for Congress who
wuz a supporter uv yoor policy, wich, tho I do not in all
respecks accept, hez, I must acknowledge, many pints in it to
recommend it to a discriminatin people. I shood esteem his
nominashen a persnal favor.
“With sentimence uv the most profound respect and esteem,
“I remain admirinly, yours,
“— —.”
“P. S. It is, I trust, onnecessary for me to state that I
regard all projecks of impeachment ez wild, visionary, onnecessary,
and dangerous; and no sich projeck kin ever reseeve my
support. I forgot to menshen that a brother uv mine, who hez
never taken a part in politics, and hez, therefore, his opinyuns
to organize, wood gladly accept any posishen under the Government,
and a brother-in-law woodent be averse to simlar
employment. It's a matter uv no consekence to yoo, uv coorse,
but I shel oppose the reassemblin uv Congress till the regler
time in December. I am inflexibly opposed to establishin
-- 466 --
[figure description] Page 466.[end figure description]
dangerous precedents. Shood yoo make the appintments I
desire, I kin git em confirmed by the Senit, ez well ez an
ekal number uv yoor own appintments. In matters uv this
kind ther must be compromises.”
In my surprise I uttered a prolonged whistle. “Them
appintments wuz made,” sed His Eggslency, with a sardonicle
smile. “Them appintments wuz made. Read another —
there's a varied and well-selected assortment uv em. The
Senit is my fish-pond. I drop my hook therein, baited with a
Assessorship, and bless me, how they bite at it! Go on.”
“Senit Chamber, March 7, 1867.
“To the President: I am, ez yoo are aware, known ez a
Radical; but between generous foes there kin be none of that
terrible spirit uv blind hate which characterizes some uv my
associates, who shel be here nameless. I will say, however,
that ef the Senators from Massachoosets, and some others I
cood menshun, wood resine or die, they wood confer a favor
upon the country. I oppose you becoz I differ with yoo, ez
does my State; but that opposishen hez never lessened my
high admirashen uv your patriotism, yoor even temper, or the
many good qualities uv your head and heart, wich shine out so
conspickuous. I hale you ez a worthy successor uv the first
A. J. I hed not intended to mix things persnel to myself in
this friendly triboot, but will do violence to my feelins by
observin that the posishun uv Collector at — is admirably
adapted to a cousin uv mine, whose talence ez a lawyer hez
never bin appreciated by those who know him best. He
agrees with me that impeachment is not to be thot uv, and
that sessions uv Congress, other than reglar ones, is uselis.
Shood yoo be pleased to make the appintment, I shel be proud
to return the favor in any way possible. Ef it woodent be
askin too much, a son uv mine wood be glad to serve his
country ez a Inspector uv Revenoo. Inheritin from me devoshun
to our common country, he burns to devote himself to
her service.
“With sentiments uv profound respect,
“I am, yours, as ever,
“— —.”
-- 467 --
[figure description] Page 467.[end figure description]
“Them appintments wuz made also,” sed the great man,
“and three or four more throwd in when he found how cheep
he cood get em. He visited me after I hed given him all he
asked for, and we hed a frendly interchange uv views. He
persisted in differin with me; but ez we partid, I askt him ef
ther wuzn't jist one more appintment he wanted? Jist one
more? Throwin himself on my neck, he exclaimed, `Not
one! Not one! My brothers, my brothers-in-law, my nephews,
and the doubtful members uv the Legislacher wich finally conclooded
to vote for me, are all provided for.' Bless the Lord
for the appintin power! The biznis uv tradin birth-rites for
messes uv pottage begun with Esaw; but, thank Heven, it
didn't end with him.”
It wuz unnecessary for me to read more. I hed seen enuff
to satisfy me that the integrity uv one third uv the Senit wuz
rather honey-combed, and, like a rusty muskit, not strong enuff
at the breech to bear a severe trial without danger uv bustin.
I saw precisely wat wuz the rock on wich we stood, and what
a citadel it wuz. Kin these men, with these letters in the
hands uv our respected cheef, and ther relatives all a drawin
rashens, turn and rend the hand wich feeds em? Cood I do
it? — and ain't they even ez I am?
So the proclamashen wuz ishood, and I went home a feelin
good. We shall yet wallop niggers in Kentucky; we shel yet
redoose em to ther normal speer; our afflicted brethren in
Tennessee will yet vote, and them not amnestied will be
speshly pardoned ez ther superior merits deserve, and withal
ther will be no impeachment. For wher the carkis is, ther
will be the buzzards also, and we hev the control uv the carkis.
Some uv the buzzards are so gorged with carkis that their eyes
is shut — enuff uv em to inshoor our posishen till the end uv
our term. It is well with us.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n77* The liberal and shrewd use of patronage was all that saved the President
from impeachment. There were Republican Senators who were opposed to it
on legal grounds, but there were others who were too deeply indebted to the
President to vote for impeachment.
-- 468 -- p635-513
CXLIX. MR. NASBY IN A DEMOCRATIC COUNTY IN SOUTHERN OHIO.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 20, 1867.
[figure description] Page 468.[end figure description]
Last week I wuz invited to go into Ohio to assist my brethren
uv that State. The Massedonian cry reached me, “Come
and help us!” and ez the cry wuz coupled with the asshoorance
that I shood be pervided for, I heeded it. Couple Massedonian
cries with whiskey, and I can't resist em. I never try.
I knowd there wuzn't much difference atween the Dimocrisy
uv Ohio and Kentucky, but I wuz onprepared for the strikin
resemblance I found. Twins is not more similar. My first
appintment wuz in a purely Dimekratic County. It wuz a
settlement after my own heart, and the minit my practist eye
restid onto it, my sole leaped for joy. It wuz a town wich hed
bin some day the seat uv bizniss, but a ralerode runnin some
nine miles to one side uv it hed cut off its trade, and the
inhabitants hevin nothin to do, the better part uv em went
with the trade. Nacher abhors a vacuum, and there rushed in
sich as found it diffikult to live elsewhere. The whole population,
hevin much leisure, fell to pitchin coppers, wich, to make
the game excitin, they pitched for drinks. Pitchin for drinks
soon rendered em incapable uv more violent exercise; and in
a year from the time the trade left em, it wuz the strongest
and most intense Democratic town in the State. Ez they must
eat suthin, and ez the groseries coodent run perpetooally without
money, they hed occasional spasms uv labor. Then wood
their feelins be lasseratid. Then wood they look over to the
Kentucky shore, and see thousands uv jest sich men ez theirselves
a spendin their lives in one unendin round uv copperpitchin,
hoss-racin, and poker-playin, the nigger meanwhile a
sweatin to furnish the means, and they wood break out into
murmurin at the crooel fate wich cast their lot where every
man wuz forst to sweat for hisself, and the cuss of labor
coodent be filled by proxy. Their proximity to Kentucky
-- 469 --
[figure description] Page 469.[end figure description]
tantalized em. They wood hev all gone there cood they hev
raised enuff to buy a nigger apeece, but they coodent. There
wuz a most deliteful look uv serene repose about the place
wich charmed me. Nothin stood uprite. The sign-post uv the
tavern hed bin leaned agin so much that it hed contracted the
same habit; the hosses, from a too rigid economy in the matter
uv oats, wuz leanin agin the side uv the barns; the shutters
on the groseries hung cornerin across the winders, in consekence
uv the lower hinges bein broke; the clapboards on the
houses all hangin by a single nail at one end, presented any
but a reglar appearance; and the men were all either sittin on
store boxes, or leanin agin watever possessed suffishent strength
to keep em up.
I wuz enthoosiastically reseeved. The town wuz excited on
two questions. 1. Taxation. 2. Nigger Equality. The Cheerman
uv the deputashun wuz the most cheerin style uv Dimokrat
I hed seen for years. His independent hair hed pushed
its way thro the top uv his hat and bristled in all directions,
biddin defiance to the world; his toes protroodin from his
shoes, and his trowsers hangin lop-sided by one suspender,
indicated a sovereign contempt for appearances. He begged
me, with tears streemin down his eyes, to rouse the people
agin the dangers wich threaten em. “Think,” sed he, “uv the
hundreds uv thousands uv millions, wich we, the people, are
forced to pay in taxes to the General Government, and rouse
em to the necessity uv ackshen!”
“I will,” sed I, “I will. State to me the amount uv taxes
paid the tyranikle government in this Arcajen spot, that I may
hev the data from wich to speek.”
“Taxes!” returned this patriot, with an amazed look onto
his countenance, “taxes! We don't pay any taxes here. The
Assessor came here two years ago, and findin nothin to assess,
hezn't considered it worth while to come since. But, good
Lord, our hearts bleeds for these unfortunit victims uv Ablishn
policy wich hev suthin, and is forced to pay onto it! The
people is bein ground into dust by taxashen.” And the old
man wept bitter tears at the miseries uv the sitooashen uv the
people. What tetchin benevolence!
On the question uv nigger ekality, I found em at a most
-- 470 --
[figure description] Page 470.[end figure description]
deliteful heat. They hed seen the terrors uv it, and know'd
whereof they spoke. Niggers hed come from Kentucky across
the river to em, and instid uv acceptin their normal speer, and
yieldin quietly to the irresistible decrees uv Heven, wich
made em the inferiors uv the white, they hed, the moment they
accumulatid suthin to live on, assoomed the airs uv ekality.
They refoosed to keep their places. The Cheerman remarkt,
ez showin the stubborn cussidness uv the race, that one uv
em lived some months next to him. He (the Cheerman) borrered
pork on sevral occashens uv him, twict a bakin uv flour,
and, on one occashen, nine dollars uv the misrable rags wich
we are forst, by a tyranikle Government, to accept ez money.
That nigger hed the soopreme impudence to insist on bein
pade! and even talked uv sooin for it. But, on consultin a
lawyer, he didn't, owin to the oncertainty ez to who wood hev
to pay the costs. Another instance. “A nigger, wich wuz
neerly white, settled in the visinity. He hed not only a
daughter, but a farm. My son sores. Labor he despises, as a
occupashen only fit for serfs. He proposed to woo this nigger's
daughter. It wuz a struggle with me. My son marryin
a female wich hed the accursed blood uv Ham in her vanes!
But Jimuel, my son, sir, threw dirt in my eyes. About sixty
akers uv dirt. I thot uv the pleasant time I cood hev a livin
on that farm — uv the days devoid uv labor, and the evenins
filled with ease, and after a severe ethnologikle struggle with
my feelins, I consented. I wantid to take keer uv that nigger.
Pityin him ez an inferior bein, loaded, in his abnormal condishen,
with responsibilities wich he cood not be expected to discharge,
I wood hev taken charge uv his affares. I wood — my
son Jimuel and I — hev managed his farm, and his stock, and
sich. Alas! Jimuel menshund the matter to the Ethiopian,
sir, and with wat result? He wuz ignominiously kickt out uv
the house, sir. He wuz d—d, sir, for a drunken broot, by a
nigger, wich threatened, ef he ever showed his pimpled —
pimpled wuz the word — face about there agin, he'd break
every bone in his body. Sir, this is becomin unsupportable.
They must be dragged down to our level. My proud Caucashen
blood revolts. There must be a inferior race, and it's
us or the nigger. The Injen is out uv the question, ez there
-- 471 --
[figure description] Page 471.[end figure description]
ain't any uv them here to be inferior. I woodent mind the
Injen, but there ain't none. It's the nigger or nothin. Give
him the ballot, sir, and what'll distinguish us? Speek with a
angel's tongue onto this theme, I beg.”
The meetin wuz a glorious one, and my speech one uv my
most movin efforts. My perorashen moved me to teers. It
wuz on nigger suffrage. Depictin its untold horrors, I begged
em to organize — to rally wunst more agin this common enemy.
“There is,” sed I, “seven thousand nigger males in the State
uv Ohio. Shel we peril the liberties uv the State by permittin
them to approach the ark uv our safety — the ballot-box?
Shel we raise em to the pint uv bein our ekals? Shel we
marry em and give em in marriage? Shel we contaminate the
pure streem uv Anglo-Saxon blood by muddlin it with the
turbid streem uv Ethiopy?”
I finisht my speech there. The meetin then resolved they
wuz better than niggers; that they never wood consent to be
taxed for the benefit uv purse-proud aristocrats; that the
bonds shood be taken up with greenbax; that there shood be
a return to specie payment to-wunst; and that they were
willin to give millions, ef need be, to resist usurpashen, but
not one cent in taxes in a unconstitooshnel manner.
This resolooshn wuz passed, when a colleckshn wuz taken
up to pay for the candles. But, alas! There wuzn't nary a
cent in the house, and I hed to pay for em myself. Another
little incident didn't please me. The State Central Committee
hed furnisht me, ez it does all its speakers, with a twenty
dollar gold piece and a fifty dollar bond, wich I wuz to exhibit,
to show the difference atween Ablishn and Democratic money.
I shoved em at the people, and it excited em to madnis. I
laid em on the table afore me. When the meetin wuz adjourned
they wuz gone! Who took em? I know not, but this
I do know, that the Cheerman uv the meetin hed, next mornin,
a new pair uv shoes and a hat, and wuz a talkin doubtfully uv
the propriety uv taxin bonds. I go from here to Pennsylvania,
to fill some appintments in that State.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 472 -- p635-517
CL. THE ANTIETAM DEDICATION.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads, }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 30, 1867.
[figure description] Page 472.[end figure description]
From Ohio to Washington! Ther is nary peace for me!
The sole uv my foot knows no rest. Wher Democrisy is in danger,
ther I am. I wuz called to Washinton to consult with the
friends uv the President in regard to the Anteetam Dedicashun.
The part his Eggslency wuz to take in that affair — wat he
wuz to say — wat others wuz to say, ez well ez who wuz to say
it, wuz a matter wich required not only profound thought, but
the most careful considerashun. Hence I wuz called.
I found assembled the entire Cabnet, with the addishen uv
Binckley; a gentleman recently arrived from a foreign
mission, named McCracken: Govenor Swann uv Maryland,
Ex-Governor Bradford; the poet of the day, General McPounder,
late uv Lee's staff, now uv the Maryland Melishy; Kernel
Screw, and twenty more who hed held posishens uv trust and
profit under the Confedracy, and who wuz now holdin correspondin
posishens under the Govner uv Maryland, all uv wich
wuz a discussin the various pints involved in this matter. The
President hed prepared a speech wich kivered thirty-eight
pages uv legle cap paper, and it was segested that he reed it.
In the impressive manner for which he is celebrated he
began: —
“Fellow Countrymen —”
“I object to that fraze,” said General McPounder. “It's
liable to misconstrucshun. Sposin that upon that stand shood
be them wich, doorin the fratrisidle struggle wich lost me my
niggers, wuz in the Fedral army? I object to bein considered
the fellows uv sich.”
The objeckshun wuz finally got over by the President's
agreein to turn, ez he uttered the words, to the Maryland
delegashun; wich satisfied em, ez the most ultra felt it wuz
enuff ef the President shood address himself excloosively to
Maryland Dimekrats ez his countrymen. He perceeded: —
-- 473 --
[figure description] Page 473.[end figure description]
“Gathered together onto a field wich the valor uv loyal
arms made forever memorable —”
Governor Swann objected. He wuz for consiliation. How
cood our Southern brethren who had taken the oath be consiliated,
ef the fact that they wuz wolloped wuz bein continually
flung at em? Besides, the word “loyal” wuz offensive to
the heft uv the Democracy. I sustained the objeckshun, and
it wuz stricken out. The President resoomed: —
“Feelin this day an uncommon solemnity, standin, ez we do,
over the mortal remains uv the thousands wich died in the
sacred cause uv Liberty, and in defence uv the flag uv our
coun —”
“Hold!” sed the impetuous Maryland General, “I protest.
In the name of Maryland I protest. Shel the Conservatives
uv that glorious State be insulted by alloosions to liberty
uv wich they are deprived, and to the flag wich is the symbol
uv oppression, and under wich we didn't fight?”
I sustained the objeckshun, and that wuz struck out. He
went on: —
“When I cast my eye over this field, and let it rest for a
instant on this spot where the impetuous foemen wuz driven
southward by our brave troops —”
Governor Swann remarked that on sich an occasion it wood
be perhaps better not to menshun the partikeler direckshun
in wich anybody wuz driven. Let it read, I wood say, thus:
“On this spot where the impetuous foeman wuz driven by our
brave troops.” Left thus it woodent be espeshally offensive
to anybody. It wood read ez well South ez North, for in that
encounter both sides wuz, at times, driven. I sustained the
amendment, and the President went on: —
“In fucher years the pilgrim to the shrine uv Liberty will
paws a moment on this spot, to drop a tear over the graves uv
them who here checked the advance uv the hosts uv the
rebellion, and —”
Governor Swann was averse to this. It wuzn't soothin to
the party wich wuz checked. It wood be better to reed,
“drop a teer over the spot onto wich fraternal blood wuz
shed.” Seein no objection to the amendment, I hed it done.
He went on: —
-- 474 --
[figure description] Page 474.[end figure description]
“The widder in her northern home may weep, but she may
console herself that her husband died for his country. She
may —”
Governor Swann broke in. “Sposn,” sed he, “you should
say, `The widder in her Northern or Southern home, ez the
case may be, may weep,' &c. Woodn't it be better?” I
thot so, and it wuz altered accordinly. The President perceeded: —
“Here, upon this spot, the armed hosts of rebellion were
met and hurled back by —”
Governor Swann sejested that that be omitted. The word
“rebellion,” when applied to a brave people, who wuz strugglin
for wat they deemed their rites, wuz, to say the least, too
harsh. It wuz struck out, and the President went on: —
“Upon this spot, amid the roar uv cannon, the rattle uv
musketry, and the clash uv contendin arms, thousands uv the
brave sons uv patriotic sires gave up their lives.”
There wuz nothin in this objectionable. It cood apply to
either side or to both, but ez everythin before it hed been
stricken out, and ez there wuz alloosions follerin it that wood
hev to be, it wuz advisable to bust it, and accordinly I drew
my pencil over it.
The President then wanted to know wat in thunder he shood
say. Feelin that he must say suthin, I prepared for him the
follerin remarks: —
“My Fellow-Countrymen: I appear afore you, not for the
purpose uv makin any lengthy remarks: I simply desire to
express my approbashn uv the ceremonies which hev taken
place. My appearance is the speech wich I will make. I
cood make a speech wich wood tech yoor feelins, but my thots
is in communion with the dead — uv both sides — whose deeds
we are here to commemorate. I shel not attempt to give
utterance to the feelins and emoshuns inspired by the ceremonies
uv the day. Not any. I shel attempt no sich thing. I
am here to give countenance to the perceedins — to offishally
beam upon em — but I must be permitted to hope that we may
foller the example set us by the illustrious dead — uv both
sides — and think uv the brave men — uv both sides — who fell
in the fierce struggle uv battle, and who sleep silent in their
-- 475 --
[figure description] Page 475.[end figure description]
graves, yes — who sleep in silence and peace after the conflict
hez ceased. Would to God that we uv the livin cood emulate
their example ez they lay sleepin in the tombs. Wood that
we cood live, ez do the silent dead, in peace and friendship.
Yes, in peace and friendship, ez do the silent dead — uv both
sides. You, my fellow-countrymen, hev my earnest wishes, ez
yoo hev hed my efforts in times gone by, in the most tryin
perils, to restore peace and harmony to our distracted and
divided country, and yoo shel hev my last efforts in vindicatin
uv the flag uv the Republic, and the Constitooshn uv our
Fathers.”
I endeavored in this to preserve, ez nearly as possible, the
singularly beautiful and loocid style uv the President, that the
assembled thousands who shood hear it mite recognize it
to-wunst ez hizzen. The last sentence wuz objected to. The
Marylanders didn't know whether they cood sit in silence and
hear sich talk about the “Flag uv the Republic” and the
“Constitooshun uv our Fathers.” But they wuz overruled.
It wuz held, and properly, I think, that the Constitooshun uv
our Fathers shood be understood ez meanin that instrooment
afore the Ablishnists hed knocked out uv it all that made it
lovely in the eyes of Maryland — the nigger — and the flag ez
it wuz at that period. They wuz finally satisfied with it,
and Binckley teched up the speech in some miner pints for
delivery.
I didn't stay to the celebrashun, for I hed biznis elsewhere.
I writ the President's speech, so I knew that wuz rite; I heard
Bradford's orashen read, and wuz pleased with it. It wuz a
powerful apology for the Northern soldiers, and must hev had
a good effeck onto the Southern mind. Feelin that it wuz all
rite, I left agin for my feeld uv labor.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 476 -- p635-521
CLI. MR. NASBY ASSISTS IN THE OHIO ELECTION. — THE DEFEAT OF THE AMENDMENT.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
October 12, 1867.
[figure description] Page 476.[end figure description]
*Feelin that the time hed arrived which wuz to decide
whether 7,000 degradid niggers wuz to grind 500,000 proud
Caucashens into the dust, I felt that ef I shood fail in my dooty
now, I shood be forever disgraced. Accordingly, I put in the
eleckshun day at a Dimocratic town in Ohio — the battle-field—
the identikle place into wich I made a speech doorin the
campane.
I arrived ther on the mornin uv the elekshun, an found that
comperhensive arrangements hed bin made for defeatin this
most nefarus and dangerous proposishen. Paradin the streets
ez early ez 7 A. M. wuz a wagon containin 25 virgins, runnin
from 27 to 39, the most uv em ruther wiry in texture, and over
their heads wuz banners, with the followin techin inscriptions:
“Fathers, save us from Nigger Ekality!” “White Husbans
or none!” It wood hev bin better, I thot, hed they bin somewhat
younger. Ther wuz suthin preposterous in the ijee uv
females uv that age callin upon fathers to save em from anythin,
when in the course of nacher their fathers must hev bin a
lyin in the silent tomb for several consecutive years, onless,
indeed, they marrid young. Ef still livin (I judged from the
aged appearance uv the damsels), their parents must be too
far advanced in yeers to take an activ part in biznis. In another
wagon wuz a collekshun uv men wich hed bin hired from the
railrode, twelve miles distant, whose banners read, “Shel
ignerent Niggers vote beside intelligint Wite men?” Hangin
over the polls wuz a broad piece uv white muslin, onto wich
was painted, in large letters, “Caucashuns, Respeck yer Noses
-- --
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-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 477 --
[figure description] Page 477.[end figure description]
— the nigger stinks!” Then I knowed it wuz safe. That
odor hez never yet bin resisted by the Democrasy, and it hez
its inflooence over Republikins.
I never saw sich enthoosiasm, or more cheerin indicashuns
uv the pride uv race. Ez evidence uv the deep feeling that
pervaded that community, I state that nine paupers in the poor-house
demanded to be taken to the polls, that they might enter
their protest agin bringin the nigger up to a ekality with em,
wich wuz nine gain with no offsets, ez ther wuzn't an Ablishnist
in the institooshun. Two men, in the county jale for petty
larceny, wuz, at their own rekest, taken out of doorence vile
by the Sheriff uv the county, that they mite, by the ballot,
protest agin bein degraded by bein compelled, when their time
wuz out, to acknowledge the nigger ez their ekal. One
enthoosiastic Dimekrat, who cost us $5, hed to be carried to
the polls. He hed commenced early at one uv the groseries,
and hed succumbed afore votin. We found him sleepin peacefully
in a barn. We lifted the patriotic man, and in percession
marched to the polls. We stood him on his feet, two men supportin
him — one on either side. I put a straight ticket into
his fingers, and takin his wrist with one hand, held his fingers
together with tother, and guided his hand to the box. Ez it
neared the winder, he started ez ef a electric shock hed struck
him, and, straightenin up, asked “Is it the sthrate ticket? Is
Constooshnel Amindmint No! onto it?”
Ashoorin him that it wuz all rite, he suffered me to hold his
hand out to the Judge uv Eleckshun, who took the ballot and
deposited it in the box. “Thank Hivin!” sed he, “the nagur
is not yet my ayquil!” and doublin up at the thigh and kneejoints,
he sank, limber-like, and gently, onto the ground. Ez
he hed discharged the dooty uv an Amerikin freeman, we
rolled him out to one side uv the house, wher the drippin uv
rain from the roof wood do suthin toward soberin him off, and
left him alone in his glory.
The amendment got but a very few votes in that locality.
The Republikins jined us in repudiatin it, mostly upon ethnologikle
grounds. One asserted that he hed bin in favor uv
emancipashen in time uv war, becoz the Afrikin cood thereby
be indoost to fite agin their Southern masters, and it wood hev
-- 478 --
[figure description] Page 478.[end figure description]
the effeck uv makin the drafts come lighter in his township.
He wuz a humanitarian likewise. He opposed crooelty toward
em. He wept when he heerd uv the massacre at Fort Piller,
becoz in the army the nigger wuz ez much a man ez anybody,
and sich wholesale slaughters tendid to make calls for “500,000
more” more frekent. But when it come to givin uv em the
privilege uv votin beside him, it coodent be thot uv. He cood
never consent that a race whose heels wuz longer than hizzen
shood rool Ameriky. “My God!” sed this ardent Republikin,
“ef you give em the ballot, wat kin prevent em from bein
Congrismen, Senators, Vice-Presidents, and even Presidents?
I shudder when I think uv it;” and he hurried in his vote.
I didn't quite see the force uv his objecshen, for it never
okkurred to me that bein sent to Congris wuz the nateral
consekence uv votin. I hev voted for thirty years, at many
elections four or five times, but I hev never bin to Congris.
Wher is the constituency wich wood elect me? But it wuzn't
my biznis to controvert his posishen. It made no difference to
me wat his reason wuz for votin ez I desired him to vote.
The nigger-lovers beat up one man to vote for the Amendment,
wich, I saw by his dissatisfied look, hed bin over-perswadid.
“Sir!” sed I, “do yoo consider a Afrikin suffishently
intelligent to be trustid with so potent a weapon ez the
ballot?”
Bustin away from them wich hed him in charge, he exclaimed,
“No, I don't! I can't vote for it. They ain't
intelligent enuff. Sir, scratch off the `Yes' from my ballot,
and put onto it `No!'”
“Here is a pensil,” sed I.
“Do it yerself,” sed he; “I can't write.”
And I did it. Sich is the effeck uv a word in season.
Words fitly spoken is apples uv gold, set in picters uv
silver.
One man woodent listen to me, but votid the Amendment.
He hed bin a soljer, and for eleven months pertook uv the
hospitality uv the Confedrits at Andersonville. Escapin, he
wuz helped to the Fedral lines by a nigger, who wuz flogged
almost to death, in his site, for not betrayin wher he wuz hid.
I mite ez well hev talked to a lamp-post, or whispered Gray's
-- 479 --
[figure description] Page 479.[end figure description]
Elegy into the ears uv a dead mule, wich is the deadest thing
I ever see. Ez he shoved in his ballot, he remarkt suthin
about he'd ruther see a nigger vote than a d—d rebel, any
time. From the direckshun uv his eye-site, I persoom he
referred to me.
I left for home ez soon ez the votes wuz counted, and the
result wuz made known, only waitin till the poll-books wuz
made out, and the judges uv eleckshun hed got ther names
written by the clerks, and hed made their marks to em. On
my way home I wuz gratified to see how the nateral antipathy
to the nigger hed revived. At Cincinati, the nite uv the
eleckshn, they wuz bangin uv em about, the patriotic Democrisy
goin for em wherever they cood find em, and the next
day, ez I saw em at the ralerode stashens, they hed, generally
speekin, ther heds bandaged. It wuz cheerin to me, and I
gloated over it.
Full uv gladnis, I entered Kentucky, and joyfully I wendid
my way to the Corners. I wuz the bearer uv tidins uv
great joy, and my feet wuz pleasant onto the mountins.
Ez I walked into Bascom's, they all saw in my face suthin
uv importance.
“Wat is it?” sed Deekin Pogram. “Is it weal or woe?”
“Is the proud Caucashen still in the ascendant in Ohio, or
hez the grovelin Afrikin ground him into the dust?” askt
Issaker Gavitt.
“My friend,” sed I, takin up the Deekin's whisky, wich, in
the eggscitement uv the moment, he didn't observe, “the
Constitooshnel Amendment, givin the nigger ekal rites, hez bin
votid down by the liberty-lovin freemen uv Ohio. Three
cheers for Ohio.”
They wuz given with a will. The wildest enthoosiasm wuz
awakened. Bascom put a spigot in a fresh barl, and the church
bells wuz set a ringin. The niggers wore a dismayed look,
and got out uv the way ez soon ez possible. A meetin wuz
to-wunst organized. Deekin Pogram felt that this wuz a proud
day. Light wuz breakin. The dark clouds uv fanaticism wuz
breakin away. We hed now the Afrikin in his normal posishen
in Ohio, and we will soon hev him likewise in Kentucky. He
moved the adopshen uv the follerin resolooshens: —
-- 480 --
[figure description] Page 480.[end figure description]
“Wareas, Noer cust Canan, and condemned him to be a
servant onto his brethren, thereby cleerly indikatin the status
uv the race for all time to be one uv inferiority; and,
“Wareas, To further show to the eyes uv the most obtoose
that a difference wuz intended, the Almighty gave the nigger
a different anatomicle struckter, for full partikelars uv wich
see the speeches uv the Demokratic stumpers doorin the late
campaign; and,
“Wareas, The attempt to place the nigger on an ekality
with the white in votin ez well ez taxashun, we consider the
sappin uv the very foundashun uv civil liberty, ez well ez uv
the Crischen religion; therefore,
“Resolved, That the Constooshnel and Biblikle Democracy
uv Kentucky send greetin to their brethren uv Ohio, with
thanks for their effectooal squelchin uv nigger superiority.
“Resolved, That to the Republikins uv Ohio, who voted agin
suffrage, our thanks is due, and we congratulate em that now
they, ez well ez us, are saved from the danger uv marryin
niggers; and likewise do we asshoor em, that in a spirit uv
mutual forbearance, we care not wat particular creed they
perfess, so long ez they vote our principles.
“Resolved, That the will uv the people havin bin cleerly
indikated, we demand the insershun uv the word `white' in
the Constitooshun uv the Yoonited States.
“Resolved, That we ask the colored voters uv Tennessee,
and other States where colored men hev votes, to observe how
they are treated in Ohio, where the Ablishnists don't need em.
In them States we extend to em a corjel invitashun to act
with us.”
The fakulty uv the Institoot met next mornin, for the purpus
uv revisin the Scripters. It wuz decided that the word
“white” should be insertid wherever necessary, and that that
edishen only be yoosed by the Dimocracy and Conservativ
Republikins. We made progress, the follerin bein a few uv
the changes: —
“`So God created a white man in his own image.'
“`Whosoever, therefore, shall confess me before white
men,' &c.
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- 481 -- p635-530
[figure description] Page 481.[end figure description]
“`Suffer little white children to come unto me, for uv sich is
the kingdom uv Heaven.'”
Wich last is comfortin, ez it shows that the distincshen
is kept up through all eternity. I give these merely ez
samples. We shel hev it finisht in a few days, and, ef funds
kin be raised, shel publish it. Sich a vershun uv the Skripters
is needid.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n78* Ohio, the most radical of the Western States, voted down the Amendment
striking the word “white” out of her constitution by an enormous majority.
The result was as mortifying to the liberal men of the United States as it was
gratifying to the rebels and their Northern coadjutors.
CLII. A MEETING AT THE CORNERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
October 30, 1867.
I wuz a sittin in the Post Offis, a cogitatin over the results
uv the Ohio and Pennsylvany elections, and hopin for an ekally
good report from Noo York, thinkin that ef my hopes wuz
realized, and sich a Constitooshnel Dimokrat ez Seymour shood
be elected, I mite, in considerashun uv my long, and I bleeve
valuable services, aspire to suthin more profitable than a Post
Offis. I do not complain, for the posishen hez bin the means
uv establishin a credit upon wich I hev lived thus far comfortable;
but yet I shood prefer a place where the salary wood
be suffishent to give me enuff so that I cood lay up suthin for
old age.
I felt good over the victory, and it seemed to me ez tho we
ought to speak, ez Kentuckians, to our brethren North, instructin
uv em how to hold the Staits wich they hev won
for us.
I give notis, that the Corners wood assemble at the tootin
uv the horn, for the purpose uv sendin forth the voice uv
Kentucky to the Staits North. The evenin come, and the
-- 482 --
[figure description] Page 482.[end figure description]
entire Corners wuz there. Deekin Pogram wuz in his regler
seat; Issaker Gavitt wuz in his sainted father's place, wich
hez gone hentz. Kernel McPelter wuz there, and also the
others who made up the male population uv the Corners, and
their wives. It wuz a glorious meetin, and I wuz a rubbin my
hands and feelin good at the prospeck uv an improvin occashun,
when, to my utter disgust, I saw the door open, and Joe Bigler,
who wuz born to be my pest, come in, with Pollock, and twenty
or twenty-five niggers, old and young, male and female, white,
yaller, and black, and all uv em took seats together in the
corner uv the church. I knowd by the meek look uv the niggers,
and the eggstreem quietood uv Bigler hisself, that suthin
wuz up, wich wood develop itself. Bigler and Pollock generally
develop.
I opened the meetin by remarkin that “the times wore an
auspishus look. The power uv the nigger in Amerikin politics
hed bin demonstrated. The nigger hed bin so manipulated in
Ohio and Pennsylvany ez to give us these States, which we
cood hold. But the Dimocrisy uv Ohio and Pennsylvany hed
a work to do, wich they cannot neglect with safety. They hed
declared the nigger inferior to the Caucashen, and they must
keep him so. The nigger must be kept jist wher he is, to
serve ez a irritant to Dimocrisy. Ohio gives the niggers uv
that State certain facilities for learnin to reed and write;
accomplishments wich no laborin class wich is to be guided,
controlled, and worked excloosively by a sooperior class, needs
or hez any biznis with. So soon ez a man begins to reed he
begins to hev an inquirin mind, and begins to feel a dissatisfaction
with his speer. Let Ohio repeel these laws to-wunst, that
the niggers may not —”
“Reverse the arrangement,” sed Bigler, “and git to be
sooperior to the white. Is that it, Perfesser?”
“Not eggsackly that,” returned I, not knowin wat he wuz
drivin at, “but ez Hevin ordained the niggers to be inferior
to us, and serve us, it looks rather dangerous to —”
“Give him a chance to rise? That's wat yoor gettin at, I
see. I am a Dimocrat, ez yoo know; but I don't shudder from
that cause — not any. I hev faith in the Lord, wich yoo appear
to lack, wich is strange, considerin yoor profeshun. Ef
-- 483 --
[figure description] Page 483.[end figure description]
my colored friends here wuz ordained by the Almighty to alluz
okkepy an inferior position to us, why, they'll do it anyhow,
onless, indeed, we degrade ourselves below ther level. Ef I
understand yoor idea, it is that the proud Caucashen is the
only favored race wich fixes its own posishen itself, and that
all the other races hed places assigned them, wich Godalmity
hevin fixed, they can't pass. That bein the case, wat's the
yoose, Perfesser, uv our foolin away our time a tryin to
strengthen his laws by any act uv ours? Ef the Almighty
fixed it, kin we do it any better than he?”
“But spos'n the nigger, ef we don't keep him down by law,
shood rise above us?”
“I shood unanimously conclood that ther hed bin a mistake
in the figgers, and that we wuz, after all, the sons uv Ham and
they uv Japheth. How wood yoo like that? But that ain't
wat ails us. There ain't where our danger is. Dimocrisy,
like a man with a tape-worm, carries the elements uv its own
destruckshen. Missegenashun is wat's sappin the foundashuns
uv the party. Agreein with yoo that the nigger's
place is fixed, and that the Dimocrisy coodent git along without
the nigger, I here utter my solemn warning agin the continyooal
lessenin uv the race, becoz that race is our rock, and
onto that we stand. Wat sense is there in wastin our capital,
or ruther dilutin it?”
“Wat do yoo mean?” askt I, not gittin at the drift uv wat
he wuz drivin at.
“Mean! My meanin is plain. The blacker the nigger is,
the further he is below us; the whither he is, the nearer our
ekal he is. In this calculashun we don't take intelligence, or
virchoo, or anything of the kind into account, but perceed
upon the hypothesis that a devilish mean white man is considerable
better than a smart and honest nigger. Therefore, any
drop uv white blood in a nigger's veins makes him just one
drop less objectionable. Look at the specimens wich I hev
brought with me to illustrate my pint. The light-colored niggers
will rise.”
And every cussed one uv em got up, ez ef by majic, and I
saw to-wunst wat he wuz goin for.
“You see, Perfesser, I hev here twenty-two spiled niggers.
-- 484 --
[figure description] Page 484.[end figure description]
Every one uv them ought to hev bin the son or daughter uv
two pure niggers, but they ain't. This one's mother, for
instance,” and he laid his hand upon the shoulder uv a likely
quadroon uv eighteen years, “wuz wunst the property uv
Deekin Pogram, wich circumstance accounts for her hevin the
Pogram nose and general cast uv countenance to an alarmin
degree, and —”
Ther wuz a piercin shreek heard, and Mrs. Pogram was
carried out faintin, and the Deekin turned ez red ez a lobster,
while Bigler, ez solemn ez a judge, went on: —
“This girl wuz wunst the property uv Deekin McGrath,
who is, I notis, here to-nite. Melissy, stand up,” sed he, and a
likely mulatto woman ariz. “You will notis,” sed he, “that
Melissy is rather dark, while her girl, wich yoo see afore yoo,
is a half lighter. The race bleached out considerable on Deekin
McGrath's place. I hev ten or fifteen more, uv various
shades, who hev the McGrath face, but —”
Mrs. Deekin McGrath, utterin a shreek uv rage, swung out
of the church, while the Deekin to-wunst assoomed the color
uv his fellow Deekin, Pogram.
“I mite go on; but wherefore? Yoo all see the pint. I
kin show yoo, in this colleckshun, wich I hev picked up, the
pecoolyer feachers uv the Dingeses, the McPelters, the Bascoms,
and every family around these parts, — that is, the
feechers uv the male members uv em. But sence the emancipashun
I hev notist that this thing hez come to a sudden endin.
I hev notist that sence the niggers hev owned theirselves,
there ain't no more uv this mixter. Yoo purpose, I suppose,
agin redoosin uv em to their normel condishun, and makin uv
em men-servants and maid-servants. Ef this is done, let me
entreet yoo, brethren, to stop the bleechin process. Ef yoo
hev any regard for the Dimocrisy, don't tolerate it no more.
The moment a half-white nigger is born, yoo can't enslave only
half uv him; for only half comes under the cuss, and only half
under the laws agin niggers. That one half keeps down to
the Ham level, but tother sores to the Japhet place in nacher.
Yoo can't whale a mulatto with only half the intensity yoo kin
a clear-blooded nigger; and when they keep bleachin out, and
out, and out, ontil they are almost white, what then? When a
-- 485 -- p635-534
[figure description] Page 485.[end figure description]
nigger is nine tenths Pogram, and only one tenth nigger, what
then? Kin the Deekin be so deaf to the voice uv nacher —
so bare uv impulse ez to oppress so much Pogram for the sake
uv gettin his foot on so little nigger? I can't beleeve it. Besides,
when it's all run out — when the nigger don't show at all—
then wat is to prevent em from walkin off alone, and settin
up biznis for themselves ez white men? What will become uv
the Dimocrasy then?”
All this time the niggers wuz titterin, and the white women
wuz gaspin for breath, and the men wuz turnin red and white
by turns. I arose to rebuke him, when Bigler remarkt that he
guest enuff hed bin sed, and that probably the meeting hed
better be adjourned. And the audacious cuss give us two
minutes and a half to get out uv the buildin.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLIII. THE NOVEMBER ELECTION.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
November 10, 1867.
*The Corners wuz prostrated with joy last nite at the receet
uv the news uv the November elecshuns. Ther wuz nothin
demonstrative about our joy, ez there hed bin on occasions uv
less interest. No! the result wuz too great, too overwhelminly
great! Our nachers wuz filled with joy, and it bubbled up to
the eyes, and slopt over in floods uv teers. Deekin Pogram's
dawter Mirandy borrered a tamborine, wich wood answer for a
timbrel, and attempted to dance down the street, after the
fashion uv Miriam, singin, “Shout the glad tidens,” et settry,
-- 486 --
[figure description] Page 486.[end figure description]
but we rebookt her. Sich exultashen seemed to us inadekate.
The Deekin met me, and fallin onto my neck, wept perfoosely
down my back, wich I stood ez long ez I cood bear the moisture.
Gently disengagin him, I led him to Bascom's, fearin
that so great a waste uv flooids wood cut short the old saint's
life, unless that waste cood be repaired. We supplied the
deficiency to-wunst. Never saw I sich a picter. The blessid
old man sittin onto a bench, a glass uv hot whiskey in his
hand; his white hair a fallin scantily about his temples, and
tears a running in rapid succession adown his frost-bitten nose,
and, glitterin a moment on the tip, droppin, like strings uv
pearls, into the space below! It wuz tetchin!
The citizens met that evening, not to rejoice, but to adopt
sich measures for turning the victry to account ez the occasion
seemed to demand. The Deekin wuz there, and I beleeve
every white male citizen uv the Corners wuz in his seet afore
the glad peals uv the bell hed ceased pealin. I assoomed the
chair, and stated the object uv the meetin. Noo York hed
spoken, and Noo Jersey, the blessed State uv which I hed the
honor to be a native, hed returned to her fust love. I wuz not
now ashamed to own that I wuz a native uv Noo Jersey. I
am proud uv it, and were it not for the fact that I owe neerly
half uv her citizens, in sums rangin from a half dollar up to
eighteen, I wood return there to-wunst. But I won't. It
wood awaken expectations in their buzzums wich wood never
be fulfilled, and I'm too tender-hearted, too considrit uv the
feelins uv others, to lasserate them feelins. I can't properly
express my emoshuns. Thank Heaven the nigger is ourn.
The Northern States hev spoken, and in thunder tones. The
Ethiopian wunst wuz on the top wave, but wher is he now?
Two years ago he wuz needed — but now wher is he? The
Ablishnists don't need him no more to fill up ther quotas, they
don't need him no more to take ther places in the next draft,
and thank the Lord he's the same d—d nigger he alluz wuz!
The stink uv the nigger hez overcome ther gratitood to him —
ther good feelin hez bin swamped by ther prejoodis. The
Dimocrasy uv the two sections uv the Yoonion hez rusht into
each other's arms, the nigger wuz between em, and consekently
is under our feet. What happinis for Kentucky! The
-- 487 --
[figure description] Page 487.[end figure description]
nigger can't go North with the elecshen returns starin him in
the face, and ef he stays here he must stay on our terms.
Thank the Lord.
Deekin Pogram sed that he hednt felt so good sence his first
wife died. He felt too good to speek, and the brethren wood
excuse him ef his remarks shood be breef. (We will! We
will! with great yoonanimity.) Four weeks ago, when we
heerd from Ohio and Pennsylvany, he hed to-wunst drawd up a
skedule uv the loss that hed bin inflicted onto him by the
tyranical edict uv the Illinoy Goriller, a copy uv wich he
wood reed: —
| YOONITED STATES UV AMERIKY,
In Account with Gabrel Pogram, |
Dr. |
| To 1 nigger, Sam, 26 years old |
$1,500 00 |
| 1 nigger, Pompey, 30 years old |
1,300 00 |
| 1 nigger, Scip, 30 years old |
1,400 00 |
| 1 nigger, Peter, 40 years old |
1,000 00 |
| To one lot misselaneous niggers, 22 in number,
mostly crippled, and not uv much akkount,
hevin bin flogd and chawd by dorgs, and injoored
by being knockt about the head and
back, a dissiplinin uv em, at say, $500 each, |
11,000 00 |
| To one nigger gal, Jane, 18 years old, nearly
white, with bloo eyes and curly hair, for wich
I hed bin offered $2,500 to go to Noo Orleans, |
2,500 00 |
| To other wenches, uv all shades and ages, 12 in
number, averagin, say, $500, |
6,000 00 |
|
$24,700 00 |
This bill he determined to put in, becoz uv this property he
hed bin robbed. Last nite he heerd uv the result uv the Noo
York and Noo Jersey elecshuns, aad he felt that more yit wuz
due him from the unconstooshnel government under wich we
are forst to live. He wanted pay, not only for his twenty-four
thousand dollars' worth uv nigger, but legle interest on
the amount, from Emancipashen to date, incloodin wat he paid
to hev the calculation made, and the interest figgered onto it,
-- 488 --
[figure description] Page 488.[end figure description]
and he wanted it in gold, ez he considered greenbax jist ez
unconstooshnel ez emancipashen.
Issaker Gavitt remarkt, that he hed a claim on the oppressors.
He hed made out no bill ez yit, ez the nigger wich alluz
did the figgerin for his father got to be impudent, and woodent
do it no more. But he shood get somebody who cood write to
copy the Deekin's bill, wich wood answer, ez the two farms
workt about the same number uv hands, tho uv fancy stock his
father hed alluz kept the most, wich accountid for his bein
more bald-headed than the Deekin.
Kernel McPelter wantid no pay. He wantid his niggers.
To accept pay wood be to acknollege the right uv a Illinoy
goriller to releese em, wich he wood never do. He hed one—
he saw her to-day — wich he wood hev back agin. Her
and her husband, wich hed bin married sence they wuz torn
from him, hed purchist ten akers uv ground up toards Garrettstown,
and wuz a livin onto it. Uv course, ez the emancipashun
wuz illegal, the produx uv their labor sence that time wuz
hizzen, jest the same ez though they remained in their normal
condishen. The ten askers woodent make him good, but they
hed two children born to em sence, wich, ef niggers brot any
price, wood do suthin toards it.
Bascom perferred to hev Government pay ther valyoo, and
let em stay free. They all hed some property now — leastways
they could do wat they pleased with their money. Troo,
the heft uv the proceeds uv their labor went to Pollock for dry
goods, and groceries, and sich, but he bleeved that they wuz a
imitative race. Ef they followed the eggsample sot em by their
white sooperiors, they wood, in time, leave the heft uv it at his
bar. He hed a few uv em under trainin now, and he notist
that they wuz better customers than the whites, ez they didn't
swaller their rashens and tell him to “jist chalk it down.”
A sense uv the meetin wuz then taken, and a majority voted
to fust try to redoose them to their normal condishen, and ef
that wuz decided to be impracticable, then we cood, with still
better grace, demand their valyoo uv the Government.
“Yes,” exclaimed Kernel McPelter, “and for this great
work ther is no better time than now. `The Yoonyun ez it
wuz!' Foller me!”
-- 489 --
[figure description] Page 489.[end figure description]
And forthwith the entire congregashun piled out, rushing
toward the nigger settlement on the Garrettstown road.
Arrivin at the settlement, a consultashen wuz held. It wuz
desided that I shood advance to the doors uv the houses
and demand surrender, but I declined. Kernel McPelter
volunteered, and we all waited the result. He knocked at the
door uv the first house.
“Wha' d'ye want?” exclaimed a voice.
“I want yoo,” sed the Kernel.
“Wa' foah?”
“My friend,” sed the Kernel, impressively, “ef I recognize
yoor dulcet tone, yoor my nigger. Four years ago yoo wuz
set free, yoo sposed, by Linkin; but we've done away with
that. Come forth, and give yoorself up; you shel, ef yoo go
peaceably, hev yoor old quarters agin, and be treated ez
uv old.”
“Go away, white man, and stop yoor foolin. Dis nigga's
in bed!”
“Break down the doors!” yelled the Deekin, “and hev
done with it!” and a rush wuz made.
The doors wuz broke down, and in a minit the nigger and
his wife, and two children, wuz out in the street, bound, and
the Kernel hed the furnitoor packet, ready to take to his own
house. In the mean time assaults hed bin made on two other
houses, with ruther different results. Deekin Pogram led one
on the house uv a former slave uv hizzen, and wuz disabled by
a charge uv shot in his leg, and the infooriated nigger threw
open the winder and swore that he'd empty tother barrel into
the head uv the first man who came within range. The whole
settlement wuz by this time alarmed, and lites sprang up, and
we cood hear the click uv cocks uv muskets, and the pilin up
uv furnitoor afore the doors. It wuz desided that the attempt
to re-enslave em be given over for that nite, and carryin the
Deekin, who wuz weak from loss uv blood, we made our way
to the Corners agin.
The result demonstrated to me the impossibility uv the two
races livin together in harmony. There is a natral antagonism
between em wich must result inevitably in a war uv races,
onless their status is fixed by law. So long ez they are among
-- 490 -- p635-539
[figure description] Page 490.[end figure description]
us, so long shel we be tempted to subdoo em, and sich soleharrowin
scenes ez that uv last nite will result. Ez I heer the
groans uv that prostrated saint, Deekin Pogram (this is written
at his bedside in the intervals uv feedin him likker with a
spoon), I feel ez tho I must vindicate my birth by goin out and
killin a nigger. Nothin but the oncertainty ez to who wood be
killed restrains me. Thank Heaven, next yeer, when Seymore
is President, and the unconstitooshnel acts uv a Rump Congress
is done away with, all this will be fixed. It is this that
soothes the Deekin, and enables him to endoor his sufferins.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n79* The hope of the Southern people that they would finally get pay for their
negroes did not leave them till after the election of General Grant in 1868.
Every Democratic victory in the North revived it.
CLIV. MR. NASBY REGULATES A SCHOOL.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
November 25, 1867.
*When the Almighty made niggers, he ought to have made
em so that mixin with the sooperior race would have been an
impossibility. I rite these lines, propped up in bed at my
boardin house, my face beaten to a jelly, and pefeckly kivered
with stickin plaster; my nose, alluz the beauty and glory uv
my face, is enlarged to twict it fair proporshens; my few
remainin teeth hev bin knockt down my throat, my lips resemble
sausages, my left ear is forever no more, and wat little hair
wuz a hangin about my venerable temples is gone, my head is
ez bald as a billyard ball, and twict its normal size. It come
about thus: —
There was trouble in one of the Southern counties uv Ohio.
In a reliably Democratic township in that county is a
-- 491 --
[figure description] Page 491.[end figure description]
settlement uv niggers, who, in the old time, ran away from Kentucky,
and settled there where they could hev wat they earned, wich
was jest so much swindled out uv Kentucky. Uv course
comin from Kentucky, these niggers are, many uv em, ez near
white ez they can be. One uv em who carried with him the
name uv his master, and, ez he says, father Lett, is ez near a
white man ez may be, and ez he married a wench who wuz a
shade whiter than he, their children are jist a touch whiter
than both uv em. Uv these he hed three daughters, rangin
from sixteen to twenty.
Now this Lett is a disturber. He hed a farm uv perhaps
200 akers, and wuz taxed heavy for skool purposes, but his children
wuzn't uv course allowed to attend the skool. None uv
the nigger children were. But Lett got the ijee into his hed
that there wuzn't no propriety in his payin taxes without enjoyin
the benefits arizin from em, and aided and abetted by
other niggers, who were wicked enough to complain uv payin
taxes to the support uv white skools, he sent his daughters to
the skool, directin them to present theirselves boldly, take their
seats quietly, and study perseverinly. They did so, the skool-marm,
who wuz a young huzzy, with black eyes and nateral
curls, from Noo Hampsheer, where they persekoot the saints,
not only assented to recevin em, but gave em seats and put em
into classes — think uv that — with white children.
There wuz trouble in that township. I wuz sent for to-wunst,
and gladly I come. I wuz never so gratified in my life. Had
smallpox broken out in that skool, there woodent hev bin half
the eggscitement in the township. It wuz the subjick uv
yooniversal talk everywhere, and the Democrisy wuz a bilin
like a pot. I met the trustees uv the township, and demanded
ef they intended tamely to submit to this outrage? I askt em
whether they intended to hev their children set side by side
with the decendants uv Ham, who wuz condemned to a posishen
uv inferiority forever? Kin you, I asked, so degrade
yourselves, and so blast the self-respeck uv yoor children?
And bilin up with indignashen, they answered “never!”
and yoonanimously requested me to accompany em to the skool-house,
that they mite peremptory expel these disgustin beins
who hed obtrooded themselves among those uv a sooperior
race.
-- 492 --
[figure description] Page 492.[end figure description]
On the way to the skoolhouse, wich wuz perhaps a mile distant,
I askt the Board ef they knowed those girls by site. No,
they replied, they hed never seed em. “I hev bin told,” sed
I, “that they are nearly white.”
“They are,” sed one uv em, “quite white.” “It matters
not,” sed I, feelin that there wuz a good opportoonity for
improvin the occashen, “it matters not. There is suthin in the
nigger at wich the instink uv the white man absolootly rebels,
and from wich it instinktively recoils. So much experience
hev I had with em, that put me in a dark room with one uv
em, no matter how little nigger there is in em, and that unerrin
instink wood betray em to me, wich, by the way, goes to prove
that the dislike we hev to em is not the result uv prejudis, but
is a part uv our very nacher, and one uv its highest and
holiest attriboots.”
Thus communin, we entered the skoolhouse. The skool-marm
wuz there, ez brite and ez crisp ez a Janooary mornin;
the skolers wuz ranged on the seets a studyin ez rapidly ez
possible.
“Miss,” sed I, “we are informed that three nigger wenches,
daughters of one Lett, a nigger, is in this skool, a minglin with
our daughters ez a ekal. Is it so?”
“The Misses Lett are in this skool,” sed she, ruther mischeeviously,
“and I am happy to state that they are among my
best pupils.”
“Miss,” sed I sternly, “pint em out to us!”
“Wherefore?” sed she.
“That we may bundle em out!” sed I.
“Bless me!” sed she, “I reely coodent do that. Why
expel em?”
“Becoz,” sed I, “no nigger shel contaminate the white children
uv this deestrick. No sech disgrace shel be put on
to em.”
“Well,” sed this aggravatin skoolmarm, wich wuz from Noo
Hamshire, “yoo put em out.”
“But show me wich they are.”
“Can't yoo detect em, sir? Don't their color betray em?
Ef they are so neer white that you can't select em at a glance,
it strikes me that it can't hurt very much to let em stay.”
-- 493 --
[figure description] Page 493.[end figure description]
I wuz sorely puzzled. There wuzn't a girl in the room who
looked at all niggery. But my reputashun wuz at stake.
Noticin three girls settin together who wuz somewat dark
complectid, and whose black hair waved, I went for em and
shoved em out, the cussid skoolmarm almost bustin with
lafter.
Here the tragedy okkerred. At the door I met a man who
rode four miles in his zeal to assist us. He hed alluz hed an
itchin to pitch into a nigger, and ez he cood do it now safely
he proposed not to lose the chance. I wuz a puttin on em
out, and hed jist dragged em to the door, when I met him
enterin it.
“Wat is this?” sed he, with a surprised look.
“We're puttin out these cussed wenches, who is contaminatin
yoor children and mine,” sed I. “Ketch hold uv that pekoolyerly
disgustin one yonder,” sed I.
“Wenches! You d—d skoundrel, them girls are my
girls!”
And without waitin for an explanashen, the infooriated
monster sailed into me, the skoolmarm layin over on one uv the
benches explodin in peels uv lafter. The three girls, indignant
at bein mistook for nigger wenches, assisted their parent,
and between em, in about four minutes I wuz insensible. One
uv the trustees, pityin my woes, took me to the neerest railroad
stashen, and somehow, how I know not, I got home, where
I am at present recooperatin.
I hev only to say that when I go on sich a trip again, I shel
require as condishen precedent that the Afrikins to be put out
shel hev enuff Afrikin into em to prevent sich mistakes. But,
good Lord, wat hevent I suffered in this cause?
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n80* A zealous Democratic school trustee did thrust the daughter of a Democrat
out of school in Monroe County. Ohio, supposing her to be the daughter of a
negro, the real object of his dislike sitting quietly in her seat meanwhile.
-- 494 -- p635-543
CLV. THE ALABAMA CONVENTION. — THE WOES OF JOHN GUTTLE, JR.
Montgomery, Ala., December 1, '67.
[figure description] Page 494.[end figure description]
*It is possible that this world may continyoo to exist —
that the heavenly orbs may continyoo to roll about on each
other's axises, and move in harmonious cycles into their respective
spheres — that comits may continyoo to wheel and turn
thro the speer assigned em in the grand economy in celestyel
space, but I doubt it. Ef sich a disorganizashen ez I am now
witnessin doesn't overturn that order wich is Heaven's first
law, all I kin say is, nacher is so constitooted ez to stand stunners
of no ordinary magnitood. I am in Montgomery, in attendance
on the “Constooshnel Convenshen,” ez it is called, now
in session in this accussed town. It wuz curiosity wich brot
me hither. I hed heard uv this piebald body — uv this black
and tan gatherin, in wich niggers and white men — niggers in
wich the white blood predominated, and white men in wich the
nigger blood predominated — wuz gathered and sittin side by
side, the same ez tho Noer hed never cust Ham, and ez tho the
nigger wuz not a beast, and not our inferior at all. Ez I gazed
I sed to myself, —
“The times is out uv joint, oh cussed spite,
That I wuz ever born to set em rite.”
I entered the hall with the son uv my old friend, John
Guttle. John is a chip uv the troo Guttle block. When I
arrived I found him a leanin on the bar uv a small grosery, a
smoakin a cigar and a lookin ez disconsolate ez mortal cood.
Shakin hands with him, a momentary gleam uv joy shot athwart
his careworn face, ez he invited hisself to drink with me. Not
feelin it rite to deprive him uv one little ray uv contentment,
I stood the drinks not only for him but for a dozen more wich
-- 495 --
[figure description] Page 495.[end figure description]
I found leanin on their elbows on the bar, all uv em with a
cigar atween their teeth, uv wich the lite hed gone out in
consekence uv their bein too much discouraged to draw em.
I knowd the most uv these young men in the happy days uv
yore. They wuz all the sons uv planters in the vicinity — all
uv em uv the first families uv Alabama, whose fathers hed
wunst owned their thousand akers apeece, and hed brot em up
ez the troo shivelry uv the South wuz alluz brot up. Ther
wuzn't wun uv em but hed worn the most magnificent broadcloth,
and, in his day, won and lost his thousands at faro.
Ther wuzn't wun uv em but wuz up in all the ennoblin sports
wich wuz the delite uv the shivelry uv the South, sich ez
pitchin dollars, draw poker, and horse racin, and scarcely wun
but hed fought dooels in his time; and every man uv em hed
slaughtered his hecatoms uv Yankees in the late war. Yet
here they stood, out at elbows, with naplis hats, and all in the
last stage uv seedinis.
The young men wuz in a dredful state uv dilapidashun, and
their murmurin wuz more like the lamentashens uv Job than
anythin I hed heard for a long time.
“Why,” sed John Guttle, Jr., “the old man left me a thousand
akers uv land, but wat wuz it good for? I hed no niggers!
The whelps refoosed to work without wagis, and that I
woodent pay em on prinsiple. Finally they commenst makin
offers for the land, in patches uv from ten to fifteen akers, and
crooel necessity compelled me to accept it. The money I reseeved
I wuz compelled to live on, ontil my paternal akers wuz
redoost to a scant hundred. The produx uv a hundred akers
wood support me, but it won't perdoose. I hev no labor —
wher kin I git the labor?”
“Yes,” exclaimed all uv the dozen young men, rollin over
onto the tother elbow, “Guttle's case is our own. We all hev
land, but wher's the labor?”
I wuz about to commiserate em when the bar keeper struck
in. He wood sejest, that possibly under the circumstances, it
wood be better if instid uv layin on ther elbows, askin, “wher's
the labor?” they shood go and do a little uv it themselves.
Troo, if they shood do it he woodent see so much uv em, but
they wood be able to pay suthin for the likker they consoomed.
-- 496 --
[figure description] Page 496.[end figure description]
John Guttle and I wended our way to the hall in wich the
Convenshun wuz a sittin. In the hall wuz a site! On the rite
wuz a nigger on the floor and makin a speech; on the left wuz
a nigger of majestic presence, with his feet cocked up onto a
desk, abslootly readin a noosepaper, and another wuz jist a
comin in towards his seat with ez much composure ez tho he
hed never did anythin in his life but be a member uv constitooshel
convenshuns. All about the hall in varius attitoods sot
niggers uv varius shades, and all uv em well dresst, self-possessed,
and without a particle uv that hoomility wich the race
hed alluz displayed wen in the presence uv their sooperiors.
“Good God!” sed I to Guttle, after I hed recovered from
my astonishment, “am I awake, or am I dreamin? Tell me,
please, who are these niggers?”
“Dost see that nearly white nigger on the floor offerin a
resolution?” sed Guttle, hoarse with emoshun. “That nigger
is my property. His mother wuz sold to Orleans twenty years
ago, on account uv a resemblance wich my mother fancied she
saw in him to my lamented father. I kept him ez my servant,
and the yaller cuss somehow learned to read. He owns a part
uv a place the old man hed in the North uv the State. That
one to the rite who is bizzy writin, is another — a blacksmith,
wich the old man bot on purpose to do his repairin, coz the
white blacksmith wich wuz located near us cost too much.
He wuz cheep at $2500, coz uv his bein a sooperior workman,
and I am told that the incapable bein hez a shop now uv his
own, and hez a pile uv money in the Savins Bank, while I —
his nateral sooperior — hev to depend onto the chance liberality
uv a comparative stranger like yoo for the very drink
wich I now parch for want uv.”
And the onfortnit young man busted into teers, wich we
went out and assuaged. Returnin, he resoomed: —
“That mulatto on the left, by the double winder, is a carpenter.
He bot uv me fifty akers uv land, and when delegates wuz
to be electid to this yere Convention he run agin me, and beat
me four to one, the ongrateful niggers which we hed worked
all our lives absolutely preferrin him to me, to legislate for
em,” and he bustid into teers agin.
“Wat,” sed I, “is to be the end uv all this?”
-- 497 --
[figure description] Page 497.[end figure description]
“God only knows,” sed he, “I don't There is nothin but
rooin ahead and on each side uv us. These niggers and the
crazy whites in league with em, hev now sole control uv Alabama,
and they are mashin down the 'spectable old barriers
wich kept the races in their places. They are passin ordinances
pervidin for skools. They hev given themselves the
ballot and hev disfranchised us who served the Confederacy,
so that the power will be theirn for all time to come. The
result is already foreshadered in wat they hev done. Out near
my place, they hev a village, and a skoolhouse in wich they are
taught reedin, ritin, arithmetic, and all sorts uv devilment, by a
skoolmam sent by the Freedmen's Commission. They refoose
to work for us onless we pay in advance, and consekently, ez
we can't git labor, our farms is runnin to weeds. And to make
matters wuss, the Convenshen is makin labor a lien upon the
crops, and so hamper us that it does seem to me that they
intend to delibretly rooin us. They are establishin skools and
churches, and villages everywhere; and wat is pertikelerly
oppressive, we hevn't the power to stop em in their mad
career. Politikle power we hev none, and when it comes to
force, the beast Pope stands here sekoor behind the bayonets
he controls. Good Lord, I — but let's drink.”
Wich we did, I payin for it.
I shel leave here to-morrer. I kin never bear to hev niggers
pass me clothed in broadcloth, with papers stickin out uv ther
pockits. I kin never bear the degredation uv hevin niggers
pass me without takin off their hats and steppin respectfully
off uv the sidewalk. Thank God that Kentucky did not
openly rebel. There, at least, we kin keep him in his normal
speer.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n81* The planters of the Gulf States were at loss what to do when the negroes
left them, for the idea that they could work never entered their heads. The
refusal of the negro to labor unless his pay was assured, and the election of
many of them to office, were the two great troubles of the period.
-- 498 -- p635-547
CLVI. A CONVENTION OF SUFFERERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 8, 1868.
[figure description] Page 498.[end figure description]
*Noticin that Vallandygum hed called a convenshun uv those
who hed suffered imprisonment for holdin the opinion, doorin
the war, that the South wuz rite in secedin, and for doin wat
they cood to further the rite, to review their sufferins, I, uv
course, expectid to be invitid to attend. Ez no invitashun
came, I resolved to spare em the stigma uv havin gone back
onto a fellow-sufferer, and, hencely, I wrote the followin letter,
wich I shel hev publisht in all the noosepapers. I feel it a
dooty to call the attenshun uv the party to my sufferins jest
now, it bein jist afore a new deal takes place: —
To C. L. Vallandygum, Edson B. Olds, and others, Committee:
Your movin note uv the 13th inst., invitin me to be present
at a meetin uv those wich hed suffered for conshence sake
doorin the late croosade, and to mingle my teers with them, is
receeved. Ez I reseeved yoor note and red it, my sufferins
come back to my mind so vividly that the fountains uv the grate
deep wuz onseeled, and I wept scaldin teers. I wept ez I thot
how I suffered, how I hed wasted in Basteels the time I so
much needed in furtherin the grate coz in wich we wuz all
engaged; when I thot how, for three long weeks, I wasted
away, pinin for the free air outside uv my prison walls; how,
for all that time, I wuz exposed to the horror uv seein around
me feends in human form, clad in the bloo I alluz detested;
how I wuz compelled to listen, perpetooally, to sich songs ez:
-- 499 --
[figure description] Page 499.[end figure description]
“We'll rally round the flag, boys,
We'll rally wunst agin,
Shoutin the battle cry uv Freedom!”
And that other detestable air, wich I never hear without a
thrill uv horror —
“John Brown's body lies a moldin in the grave,
But his sole is a marchin on.”
Wich it is. And also how for three long weeks I wuz compelled
to live — no, not live, but eggist — with not a drop uv
anything stronger or more revivifyin than coffee; endoorin the
namelis horrors wich follers the sudden takin away uv that on
wich we live, and wich our moral, ez well ez physikil, nachers
depend. But out uv regard to my feelins, I close these harrowin
reflecshens. Shood I dwell onto em, I shood be entirely
onmanned. When I think of them three weeks without whiskey,
reason totters onto her throne, and I wonder that I am still
alive. Trooly I am a spared monument.
It wood not be out uv place in this conneckshun for me to
dwell for a moment upon the sacrificis I hev made and the
torters to wich I hev bin subjectid. I hev suffered probably
more than any uv the glorious company uv martyrs, for righteousnis'
sake. My first taste uv Fedral tyranny wuz in 1862.
Well do I remember the day. A draft wuz impendin. The
tyrannical Linkin, revelin in the gorgus halls uv despotic
power at Washington, hed isshood his oppressive decree for
“three hundred thousand more.” I went, confidently, to the
eggsaminer's offis for my eggsempshen, but in the face uv the
most positive ashoorence on my part that I hed bronkeetis and
liver complaint at that time, and hed hed at different times uv
my life delirum tremens, I wuz laft to scorn, and pernounst ez
sound ez a brick. I determined not to imbrue my hands in the
blood uv my brethren uv the South. I shuddered at two ijees.
First, at being punctured myself, and, second, at puncturin any
uv my friends uv the Confederacy. Therefore, I made my
way ez best I mite to that refuge from the persekutor,
Canady. Need I dilate onto the terrors uv that passage?
Need I state how I walked from my then place uv residence
-- 500 --
[figure description] Page 500.[end figure description]
to Detroit, and how I swam across the river at that pint on a
log, and how, when on strikin the sacred soil, I struck a tabloo
and shook my fist at the stars and stripes, wich I saw wavin on
the tother side? No. For all uv yoo hev done it, ef not in
Canady, somewhere else. The draft wuz over, and I returned,
supposin it wuz all rite. Skarcely hed I reached my humble
home, when I wuz arrestid, and dragged to a military camp.
I hed bin drawd, and I wuz taken ez a deserter. I did not serve
tho. Ruther than to carry a Fedral muskit, I desertid in
ernist, and wat military life I did see, I saw in the Confedrit
ranks. But that wuz short. The Kernel uv my regiment
appreciatin my style, ordered me to be discharged, on the
skore that I cood do the Confedrisy more good operatin with
the Dimocrisy uv the North than I cood carryin muskits in the
ranks uv her brave defenders. He wuz pleased to say that I
wuzn't worth a d—n ez a soljer, anyhow!
My second inkarserashen wuz uv a more tryin nacher. I
hed bin called to organize and drill a county wich hed determined
they never wood, under eny cirkumstances, submit to
be dragged to fight in a coz wich they didn't beleeve in.
They hed resolved in their meetins to die in their own door
yards a thousand times each, ruther than submit to the drafts
wich wuz impendin too often, or to the onconstitooshnel taxes
wich the Government wuz a levyin. We wuz in camp, 900
strong, when a company uv soljers wuz sent agin us. Wun by
wun the defenders uv their rites bethot themselves uv biznis
wich they had at home. Wun's wife wuz momentarily expected
to be confined, another hed forgotten to feed his cattle, and
a third's oldest son wuz to be marrid that nite. Eggsortin uv
us to fite bravely for our rites, and die rite there before submittin,
they left, fust wun at a time, then five in a squad, then
ten, then a hundred, ontil all wuz gone but me and nineteen
others. I wuz restrained by pride; the nineteen others
cooden't git away, owin to a barl uv new whiskey wich hed
bin rolled onto the ground, and wich they hed monopolized
atween em with the only tin cup we hed in the camp. They
were, ez a reward for their heroism and the sufferins that
ensood, all elected to offis that fall.
I wuz treated with frightful severity. I wuz kept on the
-- 501 --
[figure description] Page 501.[end figure description]
ordinary rashens uv a private soljer, and wuz compelled, afore
bein released, to take the oath uv allegiance to the Federal
Government.
And wot hev I got for it? Good Lord, I shudder when I
think uv the ongratefulnis uv man! The party for wich I suffered
all this never so much ez gave me a thing. I wuz never
made the recipient uv nothin ontil a reformed Ablishnist wuz
made President, who hed to hev a party, and who hed to take
only sich ez wuz for sale. But for this fortunate circumstance
I mite now be forst to beg my bread. I spare yoo more
detales. Suffice it to say, I approve uv the meetin. It won't
do me ez much good ez it will yoo; yoor sores ain't heeled; yoo
hev bin smart enuff to keep a irritatin uv em. Yoo hev kept
a proddin uv em with rusty nales, and tearin uv em open with
yoor fingers, afore aujences and in the noosepapers, ontil they
hev reely come to be a stench in the nostrils. Let us unwrap
em agin. Let the cold wind uv ingratitood blow onto em ontil
they get so inflamed that they will attract attenshen. Let
Vallandigum onwind his bandages and show the hole the envious
Burnside made. Yoo, Olds, repeet the piteous tale uv
how yoo wuz deprived uv yoor Bible ontil yoo hed well nigh
forgotten Ham, Hager, and Onesimus, and that even waste
paper wuz denied yoo. Yoo, Milligen and Bowles, repeet agin
the story uv yoor captivity and release, and see to it that yoo
get yoor hair dyed white, and that yoo come into the Convenshun
leanin onto a cane, or, if possible, onto the shoulders uv
two young men who wuzn't imprisoned. I probably shan't
be there myself, for I want nothin. I am pervided for. But
ez a man who suffered even ez yoo did, and for the same
coz, my sympathies are with you.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n82* A number of Northern rebels who were arrested for disloyalty during the
war, proposed a convention of “sufferers from the tyranny of a despotic government,”
which was, however, never held. The “martyrs” had already aired
their grievances too many times to make such a gathering profitable. Edson
B. Olds, of Ohio, was confined a short time in Fort Warren, and Mulligan and
Bowles, two citizens of Indiana, were also restrained for complicity in the
troubles in that State.
-- 502 -- p635-551
CLVII. THE DECEASE OF ELDER PENNIBACKER.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 25, 1868.
[figure description] Page 502.[end figure description]
Wun by wun we go! Wun by wun the tall oaks totter and
fall! We view their prostrate forms a second, they sink into
the earth and are lost to site, tho to memry dear, forever.
Then around the old stump the young sprouts grow up more
vigorouser than ever.
I ain't slingin these moral reflecshuns for nothin. I never
waste the pathetics. Whenever a man is pulled drowndid
from the creek in this visinity, wich happens frekently, there
bein three distilleries onto it, I never weep until I see whether
he belongs to my congregrashun. It requires too much uv an
effort to weep, to do it on all okkashuns.
Elder Abslum Pennibacker, to-wunst the strength and ornament
uv the meetin house uv wich I hev bin for two yeers the
pastor, departid this life at 2 P. M. this afternoon. For him I
weep, for him the teers is flowin over the paper onto wich
these lines is penned. I am writin em in the presence uv the
wife and children uv the deceest, and it does em good to see
me affectid. When one kin confer satisfaction at so little
trouble ez carryin an onion in his pocket handkerchief, he
wood be a broot indeed ef he did not prove hisself ekal to
the occasion.
Elder Pennibacker wuz born in Pennsylvany, uv real old
Democratic stock. He wuz born amid the scenes uv the war
uv Independence, and he growed up with Revolooshenary
memries inspirin him. His father fought in the Revolooshen,
havin come all the way across the Atlantic to do it. He wuz
a Hessian, and therefore wuzn't penshuned by the Amerikin
Government. But at the Fourth uv Jooly celebrashens, the
old man wuz invited to sit on the stand, the yomanry uv that
secshun not knowin that it made any difference ez to the side
he took in the struggle.
Young Abslum growd up amid exslent inflooences. Ther
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[figure description] Page 503.[end figure description]
wuzn't no skools in the visinity in his infancy, and jist ez he
mite hev bin contaminated by em, his father moved to Kentucky,
wher he wuz safe from all sich. The old gentleman
dyin, Abslum inherited the paternal akers, and paternal niggers,
and become a man among men. The genius uv the man
now began to develop. Untrameled by the narrer views uv
his paternal ancester, he boldly launcht out for hisself. He
early distinguished hisself by his inventive genius, wich took
the real Kentucky shoot. Twas him wich conceeved the idea
uv braidin small wire into the lashes uv nigger whips; and not
satisfied with that, he, after a month's hard study brought out
the improvement in the nigger-paddle uv borin holes into it.
He hed a desprit struggle to get it adoptid. The blind planters
uv the neighborhood hed faith in the old paddle, plain, and the
Elder wuz forst to demonstrate, by actooal experiment on his
niggers, its sooperiority. He killed two in doin it, but he triumphed.
It wuz found that more chastisement cood be inflicted
with it in a given time, than by the old method, and
that it lasted longer.
I need not say wat his politics wuz. He wuz never nothin
but a Dimocrat. He commenst his career votin three times for
Jackson, and the candidates wich follered in succession hed no
cause to complain uv his zeel. Under Bookanan his faithfulnis
wuz rewardid. The postoffis wich I now hold wuz given him,
and he discharged the dooties faithfully and to the best uv his
ability. Ez he coodent read, he put wat letters wich arriv out
into a box outside, lettin every one who come take one ef they
wantid to. The paper wich come to the offis for Deekin
Pogram he learned to distribbit in two weeks. The out-goin
mail he dumped into a Looisville bag, feelin a great load wuz
off his mind when it departid. He held the offis till they
wanted him to make out a quarterly report. He wuz nonplussed.
He either hed to buy a nigger who cood read and
write, or resign, and he resigned.
The Elder wuz the happy possessor uv three hundred niggers.
They wuz probably the best lot uv niggers in Kentucky.
He hed three shades uv color. The trader cood find anything
in the line uv a nigger, up to these three, that he wantid, on
his plantashen. There wuz the pure Congo, the agil mulatto,
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[figure description] Page 504.[end figure description]
and the comely quadroon. Ther wuz no higher mix than the
quadroon, for it will be remembered the family hedn't bin
slave-owners but two generashens. They hed accomplished a
great deal, however, for the time they hed hed em.
The Elder hed bin in failin health ever since 1862. In that
year he embarkt into a speculashun wich bid fair to make him
wun uv the wealthiest men in the State, and wood, hed things
bin continyood normal. Ther wuz niggers runnin to the Fedral
camps from all parts uv the State, and the Elder conceeved
the idea uv goin to the sed camps and claimin uv em. The
offiser in command wuz so anxious to consiliate him that he
wood gladly give em up, without bein pertikiler about proofs,
and the Elder gathered, in that way, in two months, over a
hundred. It required a good deel of ridin, and that fatigue,
combined with the exposure incident to bushwhackin Fedral
pickets, wich wuz guardin his fences and sich, brought on a
spell uv sickness from which he never fully recovered. The
Emancipashen Proclamashen nearly finisht him, and he lingered
along, a broken man, ontil Johnson's 22d uv Febrooary speech,
wich acted ez a tonic onto him. He revived, but the effeck
wuz temporary. Ez the Conservatives made headway, he
came up, and ez Congris triumphed, he went down, and thus
he lived like a candle in a tin lantern, flickrin or quiet, ez the
wind blowd. He pluckt up amazinly after the eleckshuns last
fall, but alas, the treachery uv Meade and the re-instatement
uv Stanton wuz two blows from wich he cood not hope to
recover. And so, yesterday at 2 P. M., wich in this case
means post mortem, he died.
“Send in Sairey!” sed he, and a favorite mulatto woman uv
hizzen who, owin to the fact uv her havin eight children who
wuz quadroons, hed stayed onto the place, wuz sent for. She
sot on the bed, and the Elder's head wuz placed in her lap.
“Give me my munney,” sed he, and a box uv Confedrit scrip
wuz given him. And so, with his head in Sairey's lap, fingerin
Confedrit scrip and takin likker out uv a spoon, he passed
gently away. It wuz a troo Kentucky deparcher. “This is
the eend of life!” sed I. “May my eend be like his,” murmured
Deekin Pogram, and all wuz o'er.
There wuz trouble immejitly. When the Elder's will wuz
-- 505 -- p635-554
[figure description] Page 505.[end figure description]
read I wuz disappointed to find that he hed not remembered
me, and Mrs. Pennibacker wuz also disappointed to find that
the Elder hed left the half uv his estate to Sairey; and his
wife, Sairey, and the people uv the Corners to wich he
wuz indebted in small sums, wuz disappinted to find that
Bascom hed a mortgage on everything the Elder possessed, uv
quite its valyoo. Bascom, I bleeve, hez a mortgage onto every
foot uv ground within ten miles uv here. He wood hev a
mortgage onto my property, I make no doubt, ef I hed any.
But I ain't, halleloogy! We buried the Elder to-day. It wuz
a large funeral. In the front wuz his children, by his wife,
then the entire Corners; and back uv them more than forty
yaller niggers, who hed bin hizzen. Wat drawd em to his
tomb? Wuz it instink? Who kin tell? But a pillar hez
fallen; I am too sad to write more.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLVIII. THE PENDLETON THEORY IN KENTUCKY.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
February 1, 1868.
A few days ago Bascom come into the offis, and remarked
that he thought it wuz time the Corners spoke.
“Onto wot pertikeler subjeck wood you hev the Corners
speek, my cherub?” sed I. “The Corners hez exercised her
throat onto almost everything up to date.”
“Troo,” sed G. W., “but there's one subjeck onto wich the
Corners hezn't sed her say, namely, the crushin wate uv taxashen,
and the question uv payin the bonds in greenbax.”
“That's probably becoz,” remarkt I, “the Corners pays nary
tax; and becoz, also, not hevin any bonds nor greenbax, she
don't care, to speek after the manner uv men, a d—n about it.
Isn't that the case?”
-- 506 --
[figure description] Page 506.[end figure description]
“Probably it is, but at the same time we ought to extend a
helpin hand to our brethren North, who are makin a valyent
fite on this thing. Parson, we must hold a meetin on this
question, and resolve.”
Willin to accommodate Bascom, I called the meetin, and last
nite it took place. It wuz an enthoosiastic gathrin. Skasely hed
the horn tooted afore the church wuz filled. It wuz curiosity
wich brot em. None uv em but Bascom, Captain McPelter, and
myself, knowed wat a bond wuz, and they wantid to find out.
I wuz called upon to state the objeck uv the gathrin. I opened
with a movin appeal to the people who wuz groanin under a
load uv taxashen, for the benefit uv the lordly bond-holders uv
the country; whose very life blood wuz a bein sucked out uv
em by the bond-aristocrats uv the country.
At this pint Joe Bigler, who wuz uv course in the aujence,
commenst weepin perfoosely, but disgustinly loud. He fairly
bellered, and displayed altogether too much emoshun.
“Mr. Bigler,” sed I, “woodent a little less violent sorrer
anser?”
“Parson,” sed he, “never hevin paid a cussid cent uv taxes
in my life, I never knowd afore how much I wuz bein oppressed.
But I'll contane myself if I kin. I'll cork up my
woes if they bust me.”
I then went on to explane the Pendleton ijee. First, the
Government owes about four hundred thousand millions uv
dollers, more or less, wich is borrowed. The Ablishn ijee is to
pay this off ez it falls due, in gold, and in the mean time to pay
interest onto the bonds ez per agreement on the face uv em.
But this is oppressive. This payin interest is wat's eatin us
up. Therefore, Pendleton proposes to pay these bonds by
ishooin four hundred thousand million uv greenbax. When
these greenbax wear out, so that they ain't passable no more —
so that Bascom won't take em for drinks, for instance, — why,
then we'll print more greenbax and give em new ones. I don't
see that the debt is paid off any, but we git out uv the intrest.
We ishoo a non-bearin intrest note wich the greenback is, for
an intrest-bearin note wich the present bond is, and compel the
bond-holders to take em, thus releevin us, the tax payers, uv
the weight uv taxashen we are now compelled to carry. This
-- 507 --
[figure description] Page 507.[end figure description]
ijee is not, however, original with Pendleton. He's bin a
steelin my thunder. I subsisted many yeers in Noo Jersey by
the same expedient. Whenever I owed a man I gave him my
note, and felt that a great load wuz off my mind. When it
became doo, ef it made the creditor eny easier in his mind, I
took it up by givin him another, and so on, pervided he wuz
willin and hed faith enuff to pay for the stamps. It wuz an
easy and simple method uv gittin on in the world without
onpleasantnis.
Captain McPelter, late uv the Confedrit army, wantid to
know ef the greenback wuz good enuff for the soljer, ef it
wuzn't good enuff for the bondholder?
Bascom endorsed all that hed bin sed, and demandid resolooshens,
moovin ones, wich he presentid, and they wuz passed.
At this pint occurred suthin wich wuzen't down in the bill.
Skasely hed the resolooshens passed, when Joe Bigler stepped
forward and remarkt that he hed votid for them resolooshens
becoz he beleeved in em. But he wantid the ijee carried
forerd to its logical conclooshen. He owed Bascom eighty odd
dollars, wich wuz bearin interest, and hed bin for some time,
and wood, probably, for some time to come. Now, what is
justis in governmental matters, is ekally so in privit life. He
demanded uv Bascom that note, and that he accept in its stead
one wich bore no interest. He hed borne this burden too
long, and it wuz high time that he be releeved.
Deekin Pogram felt that he must agree with Mr. Bigler.
Bascom held his note for $490, wich hed bin runnin on intrest
for a long time, and he felt that he cooden't stand it no —
“Why, blarst yer eyes,” sez Bascom, “I lent yoo that money
to save yer farm from bein sold out from under yer feet!”
“Troo, but there's a principle in it. I can't toil to pay
interest to yoo no more than I kin to the Government. Let us
be consistent, G. W., watever we are.”
At this juncter every man in the buildin rose to his feet
very excitedly, all uv em in korious commenst.
“Bascom holds a note uv mine, wich bears interest,
and I —”
And Bascom, badgered ez he was, flung himself out uv the
church in disgust. The aujence who hed, however, got an
-- 508 --
[figure description] Page 508.[end figure description]
ijee, wuz not disposed to give it up. They follered him without
eny formal adjournment to his grosery, but he hed anticipated
that, and hed locked it. But all nite they hung around
the place, yellin, “Give me my note! Give me my note!” and
they hed faith that they finally wood bring him to terms.
But along about seven o'clock the people began to change
their toon. It wuz time for their mornin bitters, and they exclaimed
ez one man, “Bascom! why don't yoo open out?
Let us in!”
All uv a sudden the door wuz flung open, and there wuz reveeled
to the gaze uv the Corners the most impressive tabloo
ever witnest. In the centre uv the room stood Bascom, with a
burnin pine knot in his hand, wildly wavin it over his head;
afore him stood a barl uv whisky, on end, with the head out.
We growd pale.
“Ha! ha!” laft he, with the most malignant and feendish
expression upon his countenance, “it wuz yoor turn last nite;
this mornin its mine. Ther ain't a drop in the Corners cept
wat is in this barl, and not a drop uv this shel yoo hev for love
or money! Ha! ha! who hez the inside track now. I'll burn
it the minit the first one crosses the threshhold.”
“Make a rush,” yelled Bigler; “it won't burn, coz he's bin a
waterin it for a week.”
“Ha! too troo! but I hev yoo yit. I'll overturn the barl!”
I seed the pint to-wunst. A cold chill crept over me, and
Deekin Pogram shook like an aspen leaf. None cood be prokoored
this side uv Looisvill, three days at least! Spose the
recklis man shood carry out his threat!
The Deekin and I threw ourselves into the breech. We saw
that Bascom wuz in dead earnest. The crowd saw things ez we
did, and softened down. It wuz finally proposed ez a compermise
that the rekords uv the meetin shood be destroyed, and
that the ijee uv exchangin notes with Bascom shood be abandoned,
and Bascom on his part to go on ez yoosual. This settled,
we all took our regeler stiffners, and thus the Corners
bridged the greatest danger that ever threatened her. Ther
is peece here now.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 509 -- p635-558
CLIX. THE IMPEACHMENT MATTER.
Washington, D. C., March 8, 1868.
[figure description] Page 509.[end figure description]
The most affectin time I ever eggsperienced wuz in Washinton
last nite. His Eggslency telegrafft me to come to Washinton.
I hevn't tied much to him recently, but I coodent forgit
that he first gave me the offis I live on, that his honored
name is at the bottom of the commission I hold, and I felt that
I ought at least to be with him while he wuz dissolutin. I determined
that he should draw his last offishel breath onto my
buzzum.
I arrived late, and at wunst perceeded to the Executive
Manshen. It wuz a familyer sceen. Ther wuz Seward, Randall,
Secretary Welles, and the President, and all uv em graver
than the saintly raven uv the stately days uv yore. The President
wuz a tryin to keep a stiff upper lip, but I cood see teers
a follering each other adown his holler cheeks in rapid succession.
“He's a goner!” thot I; “no man kin stand that drain
on his flooids. No matter how much he may take in, that pace
will kill any one.”
The President wuz a readin telegrams and letters, and they
wuz not uv a carikter to pleeze him. The first wuz from
Belmont, and read thus: —
*“I hev, ez yoo know, the highest possible regard for yoor
Eggslency, and shel regret exceedingly to see yoo deprived uv
yoor high offis; but, reely you kin scarcely eggspect the
Dimocracy to embarrass themselves by espousin yoor coz.
The fact is, no party hevin a fucher before it kin tie itself to a
ded past. The teemster draws a sigh over a ded mule, but ez
a ded mule can't draw his cart, he naturally turns his eyes onto
them still possest uv vitality. I hope yoo see the pint without
my explainin it. Excuse me for comparin yoo to a ded mule,
but the simile wuz the first that segested itself to me.
“With profound respect, I am, &c.
-- 510 --
[figure description] Page 510.[end figure description]
“P. S. Should biznis call me to Tennessee, I shel do myself
the honor to call on yoo in yoor dignified retirement.”
eaf635n83* The Democracy treated Johnson with contemptuous coolness in his last days.
His failure to divide the Republican party made him of no use to them.
The President wiped an avalanche uv teers wich follered the
reedin uv this unfeelin letter, and the next wuz opened.
“Maysville, Ky., February 30, '68.
“Wood a regiment uv Irish raised in this place be uv any
servis? Anser!
J. A.”
“Hell!” sed Randall, “the whole county only polls 800
votes, and that cuss hez bin borin me for a place in the department
for over a year. Drive on.”
The next letter wuz from Vallandygum: —
“Since the disgraceful exhibishen yoor friends made uv
theirselves at the Philadelphia Convenshen, I didn't consider
myself bound to yoo. I, ez yoo know, never took any stock in
half-and-half mixters. My defeet by Thurman hezn't increased
my love for yoo and yoors. I hev no objecshen to yoor holdin
yoor seet to the end uv yoor term, but reely it's a matter uv
but little consekence to me. Shood you pass thro Dayton on
yoor way to Tennessee, I shood be glad to extend the hospitalities
uv my humble house to yoo.”
The next one wuz from Franklin Peerse, and dated at
Concord, N. H.: —
“I feel for yoo; that is, I feel for yoo on general principles.
(Thad Stevens, permit me to say, in parenthesis, hez been
feelin for yoo, and hez at last, I am satisfied, found yoo.) I feel
for yoo ez I do for every man who hez a offis and is obliged to
leeve it. Nevertheless, I can't help you. I wood, but yoo see
we hev all we kin do to help ourselves. Uv course yoo don't
expect the Dimocracy to take any part in the struggle between
yoo and Congriss. Elected ez a Republikin, with Republikins
in yoor Cabinet, the Dimocrisy, while they applaud wat yoo
hev done, can't uv course make yoor quarrel theirs. When yoo
leave Washington for Tennessee can't yoo take Concord in yoor
way? I hev no objecshen to minglin teers with yoo.”
The next wuz from a Western politishen, lately appinted
Postmaster: —
“Sir: I return the appintment yoo gave me last month
-- 511 --
[figure description] Page 511.[end figure description]
with loathin and skorn. I survived the Noo Orleans and
Memphis massacres, yoor opposition to the will of Congris,
and all the other damnin inquities uv yoor most damnable
administration, but this last attempt to hist Stanton I can't
endorse. Therefore I bolt. Your successor will, I hope, do
me justis, and likewise the Senit.”
“Lord!” sed Randall, “that cuss bored me for better nor
a yeer for the appintment, but the Senit won't confirm him.
O, Wade, what hevent yoo to undergo? O, Johnson, from
what hev yoo escaped!”
A prominent Eastern Dimocrat wrote ez follows: —
“Defy Congriss, and let em impeech yoo. Dare em to do
their dirty d—dest. Ef they shood hist yoo, all the better.
It will be an immense help toward the election uv McClellan.
Think how much yoo kin do for the coz in this way, and stand
firm. Visit Hartford on yoor way to Tennessee.”
A Western Democrat wrote: —
“Be firm — be firm. The impeachment uv yoorself will
raise sich a storm uv indignashun in the North, and sich sympathy
for Southern Dimokrats, ez to make the nominashun uv
even sich men ez Breckinridge certin. Yoo are, now, uv vast
yoose to the coz! I will meet yoo at Looisville, and accompany
yoo to Tennessee.”
“McClellan! Pendleton! Breckinridge!” shouted the President;
“wat uv me! Am I to bleed solely for their good? I
don't want to go to Tennessee, nor I won't. Am I to go out
impeached for their benefit? Never!” And Androo, who
isn't quite ez much uv a philosopher as Sokratees, bustid into
teers, swearin that he'd see em blest afore he'd sakrifis a minit
uv his term for any body's yoose but his own.
The next wuz from a Assessor in Illinoy, who went on to
remark that he wood be glad to support him, but a decent regard
for the interests uv his family indikated a different course.
He hed espoused the cause uv the President agin Congris for
the sake uv the position, and the President cood well understand
that it wuz no more difficult to change now to keep a
offis, than it wuz to change two years ago to git one. He wuz
at this time bizzily engaged in supportin Congris.
-- 512 --
[figure description] Page 512.[end figure description]
“Call it not ingratitood,” sed he; “I wuz in the market then,
and am now, percisely ez wuz all them wich yoo led captive
out uv the Republikin party. He is a eggregis ass who worships
the settin sun, when by turnin around he kin let the
golden rays uv the risin orb beam onto him.”
At this pint, and long afore the afflicted President hed recovered
from these blows, Welles's nephew, who hed bin out
on a scout, returned with a report. Fust, he hed notist that
every durned one uv the cusses who hed bin beseegin the
White House for appintments for months past, wuz now doggin
Senator Wade around; that they waited in-doors, at the door
uv the Senit Chamber, and that they beseeged his hotel. Secondly,
that the Constooshnel Yoonyun Club wuz then in session,
and wuz jest debatin the question whether to change the name
uv the Club to the “Ekal Rites Assosiashen,” or the “Radikle
Brotherhood!” Third, that the conservative clerks in the
Departments wuz all organizin theirselves in Grant clubs, and
that already one uv the Department clubs hed ordered 4000
Grant medals, turnin in the old Johnson medals they hed bin
wearin as part pay.
“Good Heavens!” sed His Eggslency.
“Wat else cood yoo expect?” retortid Randall; “we bot em
cheap, and they are cheap men. I may do the same thing afore
nite. The experiment uv buyin up a party at so much a head
hez bin tried afore, and hez alluz failed, very much like the ijee
uv perpetual moshen. Yoo ken git considerable enthoosiasm
ez long ez yoor provender holds out, but then — The fact is
yoo dident get no Republikins worth hevin, and yoo ain't uv no
yoose to the Democrisy, becoz yoo coodent carry enuff uv them
Republikins over to do em any good. My deer sir, yoor in a
tite place. We're retired physicians, whose sands uv life hev
neerly run out. I see afore me a long vista uv private life.
I sold myself ruther cheep, but I don't complain. I hev about
filled the measure uv my ambishen — people forgit in a few
years, and ef they didn't, Amerikin people won't be crooel enuff
to hold my children responsible for wat I hev done. Some uv
em — I hev keerfully kept em away from Washington for neerly
three years — may yet redeem the name uv Randall, even ez
worthy men by the name uv Arnold hev managed to live and
-- 513 -- p635-562
[figure description] Page 513.[end figure description]
be respected — their virchoos more than balancin the unfortinit
name they wuz cust with. But, A. Johnson, yoor time
is short. The Republikins is furious, and the Dimocrisy hed
ruther see it than not. I, too, will visit yoo in yoor retirement
in Tennessee.”
“More joy A. Johnson in his eggsile feels,
Than 'fore the Senit laid him by the heels.”
By the time he wuz done talkin, the balance uv em hed all
left the room, and when he wuz done he went too, leavin no one
but me. The sceen wuz affectin. Droppin his head onto my
buzzum, the scaldin teers a runnin down his cheeks, he exclaimed,
in a holler voice, “One by one they go. Mrs. Cobb fust,
and the balance immejitly after. O, wat a world is this!”
I draw the curtain over his greef. I may hev to financeer
somewhat to hold my place, but I alluz respeck manly emoshn.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLX. POLLOCK VS. BIGLER.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 2, 1868.
The Corners is continyooally eggsited. Scarcely does one
fever git herself allayed afore another is set agoin, and the
result is the community is kept a bilen perpetooally. Pertickelerly
does this occur when Bascom runs short. His barrels
contain the troo oil wich flows onto the troubled waters uv
our passions, and when them is out, there's a minatoor Tophet
to-wunst.
The last excitement wuz probably the most pekoolyer that
ever happened to enny people, tho it wuz nothin more than
cood be expected to grow out uv the altered relashens uv the
races to each other. It wuz one uv the legacies left us by the
tyrant Linkin, and by no meens the least uv em.
-- 514 --
[figure description] Page 514.[end figure description]
Under the old patriarkle system, it wuz the custom uv the
niggers to go by the name uv their trooly patriarkle masters,
wich wuz nessary, and not only nessary, but proper. Onto
every plantashen ther wood be Ceesers, Hannibals, and Pompeys,
and the only way to distinguish em wuz to call em Ceeser
Pogram, Hannibal Gavitt, et settry. This ansered very
well ez long ez they wuz in a state uv skriptooral servitood;
indeed, the proud Caucashen masters rather liked it, ez the
frekency with wich their names wuz called indikated the extent
uv their possessions. But sence these cusses hev sot up for
themselves, it ain't so pleasant. Now that they kin own property
and perform all the functions uv men, the same ez eny one
else, it hez become distasteful to the Corners. It is a singular
fact that the Corners hez diskivered, since the niggers wuz set
free, suthin they never knowd afore, to-wit: The niggers hez
an odor unlike the white. When they wuz slaves, and used to
nuss em and play with em, and wait on em, and sich, this odor
wuz not perceptible. It hez developed sence emancipashen.
Jes so with ther names. In ther normal condishen it wuz
well — sence, it's a degredashun wich the Corners won't brook,
no how.
Deekin Pogram and Issaker Gavitt pertikelerly chafed under
it. They mourned and lost flesh under the inflickshen. “To
think,” sed the Deekin, “uv a hundred free niggers bearin the
honored name uv Pogram!” “To think,” syed Issaker Gavitt,
“uv a hundred niggers bearin the illustrus name uv Gavitt!”
And so they petishened the Legislacher at Frankfort to
releeve em, by passin a law perhibitin niggers from bearin the
name uv white men wich wuz their former masters. The fact
leeked out, and this imbrolyo wuz the result.
Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, wich is a disturber, immejitly
sood Joe Bigler for a store debt, and hed him hauled up
afore Squire Punt. Joe immejitly subpœnaed all the citizens
uv the Corners ez witnesses, and hed em all in the Court room.
“Come,” sed Deekin Pogram, “sware me and let me go. I
don't know nothin about this matter anyhow.”
“Not yit,” sed Bigler; “I hev other testimony wich I shel
put in. Mr. Constable, call Hannible Pogram.” The Deekin
started ez ef he hed bin shot.
-- 515 --
[figure description] Page 515.[end figure description]
“And ez we kin save the valyooable time uv this court by
swearin uv em in a lump, yoo may call also Pompey Pogram,
Joolius Pogram, Ceeser Pogram, George Washington Pogram
(so named becoz, like the first G. W., he coodent tell a lie, wich
is proof concloosive that he is a pure black, and haint got no
Pogram blood in his vaines), Mellissy Pogram, Abslum Pogram,
Cleopatra Pogram, Paul Pogram, Marie Antynett Pogram,
Bonaparte Pogram, Charles Wesley Pogram, Abel Jackson
Po—”
“Wat does this mean?” shreeked the Deekin, ez they filed
into the court room. “Wat do yoo mean by bringin into this
yer court all these d—d niggers?”
“Wat do I mean? Wat difference is it to yoo? They'r
my witnesses — by these intelligent freemen I perpose to prove
that yer Pollock a perjered villain and a most unconshunable
swindler.”
And he grinned at Pollock, who winked wickedly at him in
return.
“And I,” sed Pollock, “to save time, mite ez well hev my
witnesses swore. Issaker Gavitt, stand up.”
Issaker arose.
“Now, Mr. Constable, call Pompey Gavitt, Melindy Gavitt,
Augustus Gavitt, Petronella Gavitt, Lycurgus Gavitt, Abslum
Gavitt, Moses Gavitt, Jefferson Gavitt, Adam Gavitt, Martha
Washington Gavitt, Parker Gav—”
“Am I to be swore with all these niggers,” roared Issaker,
red in the face.
“Reely,” sed Square Punt, “I can't permit this.”
“But yoo must,” sed Bigler. “Ez desprit a wretch ez is
this Pollock, ez deeply ez hez wronged me, ez much ez I loath,
hate, and despise him, he shel hev fair play in a court uv
justis. Even shood he beet me and crush me neath his iron
heel, I insist that he shel hev his rites. But the Square hed
better swear mine first.”
And ez they generally don't like trouble with Bigler, the
Square, pale ez a gost, for he didn't know wat wuz comin,
swore the pile.
“Now,” sed Bigler, “Ceeser Pogram, stand up. Ceeser, do
yoo know the nacher uv an oath?”
-- 516 --
[figure description] Page 516.[end figure description]
“Yes, sah.”
“Who wuz yoor father, Ceeser?”
“Don't know, sah.”
“Is yoor mother in the room, and hez she bin sworn?”
“Yes, sah.”
“You may set down for the present. Will Melissy Pogram
arise?”
The wench got up.
“Now, Melissy, state to the court the paternity uv yoor
son?”
“I object,” shreeked the Deekin. “What hez that to do
with yoor owin Pollock a store debt?”
“Is this yoor case?” retorted Bigler. “Are yoo defendant
or plaintiff herein? Melissy, anser. No, Melissy, on second
thots, to spare the blushes uv the Deekin — to cast the mantle
uv oblivion over the peccadilloes uv his yooth — yoo needent
anser. Do yoo want to cross-examine the witness, Mr.
Pollock?”
“No!” returned he.
“Lycurgus Gavitt, stand up. Wat rite hev yoo to bear the
name uv Gavitt?”
“It wuz my fadder's name.”
“To wich pertikeler Gavitt do yoo allood?”
“The lately deceased Elder.”
“Then yoo are half-brother to Issaker?”
“I is.”
“Yoo may sit down. I will state to the court the objict uv
these questions, which, without explanashen, may appear irrelevant.
Mr. Bigler and I agreed unanimously ez to how this
soot should be conducted. Niggers alone knowd the coz uv
difference that unfortnitly ariz between us, and knowing that
the pure African wuz unworthy uv beleef, we determined to
yoose only sich ez cood show indisputable descent from good,
trustworthy, Caucashen citizens. Hence this preliminary eggsaminashen.
We hev here the niggers uv mixed blood from
every plantashen in the naberhood, and we shel reject all who
can't show mixt blood. Their evidence must be taken, for to
doubt the word uv the sons and daughters uv sich men wood
-- 517 --
[figure description] Page 517.[end figure description]
be the heighth uv presumpshen, and an insult wich they
wood be justified in resentin.”
“Certinly,” sed Bigler, “and let's git at it. Bonaparte
Pogram, stand up.”
“Hold,” shriekt the Deekin, observin that Mrs. Pogram hed
just stept into the room; “how much is at ishoo in this yer
soot?”
“Ninety-one cents and the costs that hev acrood,” sed
Pollock.
“I'll pay it,” remarkt the Deekin, nervously, “ruther than
hev this farce go on. Don't call no more uv em — don't.
Here's the money.”
“It can't be,” sed Bigler; “I'm bound to crush that Pollock.”
“Don't perceed — don't,” yelled Punt, McPelter, and every
other white man in the room, ez they notist their wives droppin
in one by one, “it's reelly too small a matter — reelly
it is.”
“Well,” sed Bigler, “ez there appears to be sich a yoonanimus
desire therefor, I hev no objeckshen, on them terms, to
forgive Pollock;” and the cusses embraced in open court, while
the Deekin, McPelter, and the rest uv em wuz a payin the
niggers their witness fees.
Ez they wuz a leavin the Court Room, Bigler sung out, —
“Deekin, ef yoo send on that petishen to Frankfort, I shel
send on a protest, provin that evry one uv the niggers
who bear yoor name hev a nateral rite to it. Let it alone,
Deekin. Ef the niggers kin stand the name, yoo ought not
to object.”
And he and Pollock rolled off together, laffin vociferously.
It was a plot atween em to annoy the Corners. Wood, O, wood
that we cood be delivered from em!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 518 -- p635-567
CLXI. SERGEANT BATES IN PETTUSVILLE, VIRGINIA.
Washington, D. C., 20, 1868.
[figure description] Page 518.[end figure description]
*Happenin to be in Washington at the time Sergeant Bates,
that noblest Roman uv all the Northern men who took up arms
agin the Sunny South, wuz to arrive, it okkured to me that it
wood be a payin investment ef I shood go out to Pettusville,
wich is a beautiful village, containin one dry goods store and
13 flooid groseries, and witness the reception that shood be
given him. Wat transpired thrilled me; in fact I never felt
sich a thrill uv joy in my life ez I did when I saw this battlescared
veteran heave in sight. He came, proudly bearin aloft
the Flag, wich, when the South hed her rites, and owned the
niggers body and soul, in fee simple, wuz reely and trooly the
Flag uv the Free, but wich now that, alars! there ain't a slave
under its shadder, and all are permitted to do ez they please, is
the symbol uv the most oppressive and grindin tyranny wich
the world ever witnist.
But, nevertheless, the devoshun to the old flag, wich a site
uv it stirred up in the breasts uv the people uv Pettusville,
reely surprised me. Never shel I forgit the site that met my
eyes. The Sergeant wuz met three miles out uv town, by a
perceshun wich accompanied him in, marchin in the followin
order: —
Band, playin “The Bonny Bloo Flag.”
Detachment of the Pettusville Avengers, made up uv soljers
wich formely served in the 13th Virginia, wich wuz employed
for fourteen months a guardin Andersonville.
Detachment uv the Pettusville Cadets, made up of sons uv
Confedrit soljers who wuz killed in the servis, with black
banners, onto wich wuz inscribed, “We will avenge our slain
sires.”
-- 519 --
[figure description] Page 519.[end figure description]
Quartermaster
in
late C. S. A.
Sergeant Bates
proudly carryin the
Amerikin flag.
Commissary
in
late C. S. A.
Four survivors uv the late onpleasantnis, carryin each a flag
capchered from Wisconsin regiments.
Band playin “Dixie” melojously.
Citizens on foot, and hossback, and in carts.
On strikin the corporation, the Mayor (Captain Badger, uv
Forrest's Cavalry), and the town clerk (late uv the lamentid
John Morgan's command), appeared, and the procession stopped
while the formalities wuz gone through with. The Mayor received
the Sergeant in these words: —
“Sergeant Bates. Sir: Understandin, ez we do, that yoo
chivalrously made a wager (wich is a bet) with a Wisconsin
Ablishnist, that yoo cood walk from Vixburg to Washinton
carryin the Amerikin flag unfurled without being insulted nor
nothin, and hevin receeved testimony from leadin Democrats
uv Wisconsin, wich is entirely satisfactory to us, that yoo are
not in no sense, nor never wuz at any time, in sympathy with
the Ablishen, or ez they falsely style theirselves, the Republikin
party, we extend too yoo the hospitalities uv Pettusville.
And ez there are reporters present, let me remark, sir, that
yoor experience hez showd how falsely we hev bin judged by
the persekooters uv the Northern States. Yoo hev bin met on
evry hand with kindness. Southern hospitality, uv the broadest
kind, hez bin extended to yoo. Yoo hev hed a chaw off uv
evry plug, yoo hev hed yoor suck out uv evry bottle, yoor
nose shows that sence yoo entered the Sunny South you hev
not bin allowed to taste water, wich is our idee uv hospitable
treatment. Wat does this prove? Ef Charles Sumner, for
instance, or Judge Kelley, hed bin so presumpshus, or any
other Republikin, ez to attempt sich a feet, the outraged Southern
hart wood hev biled over, and he wood hev bin tored to
pieces. Wat does it prove? It proves that 'tain't the flag we
object to so much ez it is the men who hev bin in the habit uv
carryin it. In the hands uv a constitooshenel Dimocrat it's the
same old flag it alluz wuz. In sich hands, its russle sounds in
our ears like the crack uv the nigger whip, and the site
-- 520 --
[figure description] Page 520.[end figure description]
thereof is soothin. For when the flag wuz in them hands, we
hunted niggers under its folds in the streets uv Boston.
Under that flag we shot Lovejoy in Alton, and sunk Bailey's
press in the Ohio at Cincinnati. Under the shadow uv that
blessid flag we sold niggers at auction in Washinton, and that
flag, that symbol of Freedom, wood hev floated over the deck
uv every slave ship wich sailed from Africa, but for the unjust
and sooisidle laws wich forced the philanthropists in the biznis
to sale under other penants. In yoor hands, and the hands uv
sich ez you, the flag is to us the old flag it wuz then, and it's
sacred to us, becoz under it we cood do all these things.
That's why we love it, and that's why we tolerate it. Hed it
remained sich we never wood hev raised our hands agin it.
When sich ez Polk and Bookanon hed the control uv it we wuz
satisfied with it, and reverenced every stripe and every star —
for to us that flag meant suthin. It meant freedom for us —
free trade in niggers — it meant Suthern soopremacy — it
meant the rite to buy niggers — sell niggers, import niggers—
export niggers — flog niggers — hunt niggers. So long ez
the flag wuz sich we loved it. But when the North dispooted
our control uv it, and put it in the hands uv A. Linkin, an
Ablishnist, it wuz our flag no more. Then we felt it must
come down — that its mission wuz ended, and that to us it
wuz nothin. I fired onto that flag. I raised my hand agin it,
and proud I am. But borne by a Democrat — a old style
Democrat — a Democrat who stuck to us becoz he wuz afeered
of nigger ekality, it is wunst more the same old flag, and we
reverence it. Why then, when yoo, a carryin this emblem uv
the nashun's grander, kin walk all over the South, where all is
peace, and so much affeckshun is manifested for the flag, why
do they keep a army to overawe us? Why —”
An interruption here occurred. A shot wuz heard, and the
crowd rushed to see wat it wuz. They returned presently.
A funeral procession uv niggers wuz passin thro the next
street, a carryin to the nigger graveyard a nigger solger who hed
jest died uv injoories received doorin the late onpleasantnis;
and ez they marched with a flag at their head, the excited and
insulted populis hed cleaned em out. Two uv em wuz shot,
and the preacher with em wuz left for dead. This over, they
-- 521 --
[figure description] Page 521.[end figure description]
returned, and the Mayor went on. “Sergeant Bates, I welcome
yoo, and with yoo the flag, to Pettusville.”
Sergeant Bates replied briefly. Since he came into the
South he hed bin treated kindly. In the rooral deestriks, once
or twice, where the people, in their deliteful unsofistication,
don't read noosepapers, and consekently didn't jist know the
object uv his carryin the flag, he wuz went for rather ruff; but
a few words convinst em that he wuz sound, and it didn't incommode
him. The niggers in the rooral deestricks also
rather overwhelmed him with attenshun, but he hed no difficulty
in shakin em off. Stickin a coppy uv the Noo York
World in their faces did it. He cood say he wuz delited with
his experience.
The ceremony bein over, the Mayor mounted his hoss, and,
one band playin Dixie and the tother the Bonny Bloo Flag, the
percesshun moved to the town-hall, where the Sergeant wuz
interdoost to the principal citizens, incloodin the officers uv the
Kuk Klux Klan.
I left Pettusville entirely satisfied. Our stump speekers
hev now suthin to go on. The flag hez gone thro the South,
its folds hev kist the breeze in evry Southern State, and its
carryer hezen't bin shot on the spot onct. We kin now appeel
to the people. Hed a Ablishnist carried it he wood hev bin
shot. Can't they see in this the path to peece? Can't they
see how much more it wood harmonize things ef they wood let
sich men carry it all the time? Can't they see that, whereas,
ther will be a continyooal hart-burnin in the South ef sich a
man ez Grant hez charge uv the nashnel emblem, that all will
be lovely and sweet ef it is given into the hands uv Pendleton?
Sich is the lesson I extract from Sergeant Bates.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n84* A Democrat named Bates, who served during the war, made a wager that he
would carry the flag unfurled from Washington to Vicksburg, without molestation
on the route. As Sergeant Bates was thoroughly in sympathy with the
majority of the white people on the route, he, of course, won his wager.
-- 522 -- p635-571
CLXII. A CONVENTION AT THE CORNERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 26, 1868.
[figure description] Page 522.[end figure description]
There never will be peace, or anything like it, at the Corners
till that disturber, Joe Bigler, and his adherent, Pollock, are
shot, or otherwise killed. In the olden time, afore the inoggerashen
uv the Ablisheners, we hed a short way uv disposin
uv sich. It wuz a maxim in the South that ther cood be peece
only wher ther wuz a perfeck yoonanimity uv sentiment, and to
bring about that onenis uv idees — that deliteful concord wich
wuz so desirable — we were in the habit uv shootin or hangin
the most stubborn uv those wich didn't agree with the majority,
and tarrin and featherin those who were yet accessible to
Kentucky reason. By viggerusly persooin this course the
minorities in this vicinity wuz kept tollably small and controllable.
Why these cusses hevent bin so treated passes my
comprehenshen.
Our convenshun to nominate candidates for county offices
wuz held yesterday. I wuz cheerman uv course, for I now
okkupy that posishen (since it wuz discovered that Captain
McPelter kin write he hez bin Sekretary), and I felt a sinkin
sensashen when I saw that cuss, Bigler, and that other cuss,
Pollock, enter the door.
Deekin Pogram, ez he saw em, biled over. Risin to his feet,
the venerable old patriark inquired, in a voice tremulous with
emoshun, wat in thunder he wuz there for.
“Josef, hev yoo a rite to set in a Democratic convenshun,
holdin, ez yoo do, opinyuns the reverse uv Dimocratic?”
“Deekin,” returned this Bigler, “I carry in my body Fedral
lead — I wuz under the Confedrit flag in sixty battles, skermishes,
and skedaddles. I hev a certifikate to that effeck from
the late lamented John Morgan. That certifikit wood admit
me to a seet in any Dimocratic Convenshun in the North —
shel it not be sufficient here in Kentucky? Alars, the Profit
is not without honor save in his own Cross Roads.”
-- 523 --
[figure description] Page 523.[end figure description]
And Josef let on he wept, when Pollock ostentashusly
handed him a pocket handkercher.
“Ef I hed any hetrodox views I hev repented uv em, me
and Pollock, and we perpose to vote for all yer resolooshens,
like frisky lambs wat is glad to get back to the troo fold.
Don't we Pollock?”
“Certin, we do. The Convenshun may go on and count
us in ez troo converts from Ablishism; wich, in view uv the
fact that my store hez bin set on fire twict becoz uv my awful
opinions, I may be sed to be literally a brand pluckt from the
burnin. Go on.”
Findin they wuz bound to stay, we went on. The first thing
in order wuz the adopshen uv resolooshens, ez follows: —
1. We resolved we hed the utmost confidence in Androo
Johnson, President uv the Yoonited States, pervided he wuzn't
impeeched; ef he wuz, then we shood hev the privilege uv
considerin him worthy uv confidence or not, ez the circumstances
uv the case shood warrant.
2. That the Congris uv the Yoonited States wuz a unconstitooshnel
body, wich wuz persistently endeavrin to break up the
Government uv the Yoonited States.
3. That the thanks uv the Democracy is due the people uv
the South for their forbearance in not risin to sweep the radical
faction from the face uv the earth.
At this pint Bigler arose. He wanted to know ef this convenshen,
stylin itself Democratic, wuz agoin to be satisfied
with them resolooshens? He called for the readin uv the
regler one, without wich no Democratic platform wuz complete.
He referred to the one dedicatin this Government forever to
white men. “Here it is,” he sed.
Resolved, That this Government wuz established by white
men, and that white men will keep it intact for white men and
their posterity forever.
“I demand, ez a white man,” sed this Bigler, “that this
resolooshun be added. Let every white man, every proud
Caucashen, who believes in race, say `Aye,' and with emphasis.”
And every one uv em hollered out “Aye” with all their
mite.
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“Good!” sed Bigler, “good. White men and their posterity!
Wat a noble sentiment! Say `Aye' to my resolooshun agin.”
And they yelled “Aye” agin.
“Now Pollock, brother in the troo faith, newly baptized,
will yoo open the door? It's better to be a door-keeper in the
house uv Democracy than to dwell in the tents of Ablishnism.
Open the door.”
Wich Pollock did, and then entered — wat! Good Heavens!—
A Hundred Mulatto, Quadroon, and Octoroon Niggers—
two by two.
“Wat does this mean?” shrieked I.
“Who are them?” gasped Deekin Pogram.
“Hell!” sed Issaker Gavitt, profanely.
“They are the posterity referred to in my resolooshen.
`This Government wuz established by white men, and shel be
preserved for white men and their posterity,' I think it read.
These are the posterity. There may be a few here who wood
be barred out on the score uv bein the posterity of white
women, but these are excepshuns. The majority uv those
here, ez yoo kin easily determine by their color, are the posterity
uv white men. They are not pure black. Here is
every shade, from the subdood yaller uv the mulatto, up to the
almost white uv him who hez only a sixteenth part nigger
blood in his veins. Uv coorse they will take seats and assist
us in nominatin the ticket wich called us together.”
“Uv course they won't!” roared Deekin Pogram. “I
never will set in a convenshen with niggers — never! never!!
never!!!”
“Very good. Ef this is the yoonanimus decision, we won't
nominate any ticket. I take the responsibility uv bustin this
Convenshen. But, O, Deekin! wat a goin back on yoor principles!
Dare yoo deny that these shades, these modified
mokes, are the posterity uv white men? Deekin, shood yoo
cast yoor beamin eye over this assemblage, woodent it rest
parentally and lovinly onto yoor own posterity? O, Deekin,
ef yoo go back on the resolooshen wich yoo yoonanimously
voted for, don't, I beg uv yoo, go back onto nacher. Don't
desert yoor children. Don't turn a deef ear to the pleadins uv
nacher, or a blind eye to her supplications. Hannibal Pogram,
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go and beg yoor father to permit yoo, his posterity, sharcely
blacker than he, and a cussid site handsomer, to mix in this
yere caucus.”
The Deekin indignantly left the room, and I follered soot,
wich eggsample wuz follered by all uv us. Bigler and Pollock
remained, and nominated a ticket uv these half-bleached cusses,
making it up entirely uv the Pogram, Gavitt, and Punt niggers,
ez these names, they sed, hed weight in the county! Who
will deliver us from these two bodies uv death.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXIII. THE PREPARATIONS OF THE MARTYR FOR THE COMING EVENT.
Washington, May 2, 1868.
The President is uv the opinion that he will be impeeched,
wich opinion is shared by his confidenshel friends. Indeed,
Randall fell onto his neck when he told him that he hed
come to that conclooshun, and remarkt that that wuz the first
correct conclooshun he hed come to sence he hed bin President.
Ef anything will stop it, it will be the speeches wich
are delivered for the prosecooshun. He hez some hope that
the people, when they see the avalanche uv words that hez bin
piled onto him, will hev their hatred turned into pity, and that
pity will in this, ez in other matters, melt into love. But that's
a thin reliance, and he knows it, and is, therefore, preparin to
leave Washington. He hez already bid adoo to Mrs. Cobb.
They met for the last time this mornin. She wood hev accompanied
him to Greenville; but he sed, “Nay. To yoose
the words uv another —
`My fate it is too cold for thee, Mrs. Cobb;
'Twould chill thy deerest joy;
I'd rather weep to see thee free, Mrs. Cobb,
Than keep thee to destroy.'
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“Here we part. I hev no longer the pardnin power, or disposal
uv offices. Ef I shood git to be Mayor uv Greenville,
which is in State uv Tennessee, I mite, perchance, give yoo
the disposal of the one polece uv that anteek town; but, alars!
he cood not afford to pay yoo enuff to keep yoo in garters.
No! no! Farewell! I'm scooped. A. Johnson's okkepashun's
gone.”
Mrs. Cobb wuz led out, bathed in teers. I am informed,
however, that she is in comfortable circumstances, havin bin
ruther savin doorin that halcyon period uv pardnin rebels.
She bled em handsome, and put suthin by for a rainy day. I
told the President this, and he wuz visibly releeved. It wuz
sejested by a council uv his friends, that he shood return quietly
and by the neerest route, to wich he assented. He wood
go, he sed, unostentashusly and without display to Greenville,
by way uv Baltimore, Philadelphia, Noo York, Noo Haven,
(Conn.), Savannah, Mobeel, Noo Orleens, Looisville, and Dubuke,
Iowa. “Write to all my friends,” sed he, “and beg uv
em not to offer me any ovashens, or anythin uv the sort. I
desire to glide into history ez a martyr (with a halo round my
head), wich bowed meekly and uncomplaininly to the behests
uv the d—dest tyranny on the globe. Tell em that the most I
desire in the larger cities is processions, with appropriate
moosic, banners, and sich, to receeve me at the cars and to
escort me to my hotel, and a simple balcony from wich to
address my fellow-citizens, that I may set their hearts at rest
by asshoorin uv them that I am ez devoted to the constitooshen
now ez ever, and to tell em how much I hev suffered in
their behalf. I want no wreath, no gaudy chaplets wove for
me; no illuminashens, no nothin. I wood merely sejest that at
each place the percession be headed by a tomb — a mausoleum—
on wheels, drawed by ten black horses, all clothed in mournin,
the tomb to bear the inscription, “Impeachment: In this
is buried Androo Johnson, and with him the constitooshen, the
flag, and the liberties uv his country, wich he wood hev saved.”
It mite be well to hev another follerin behind it with a wax
figger uv Columby bustin the mausoleum, and histin a wax
figger uv me out uv it, chuckin the constitooshen at me ez she
does it, exclaimin the while, “Rise, second Washington — rise,
step-father uv yer country.” These little allegories wood
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inculcate a great moral lesson, and wood inspire the people
with awe.”
Randall objected. “Wat's the yoose?” he sed. “Ef I am
in the car with yoo, — and I spose I shel hev to see this thing
out, — the Ablishnists will jeer and flout me, and say, `Go up,
bald head!' The inscripshens they will laff at, and they won't
do our people eny good, for not one in ten kin read em.”
Welles wuz in favor uv the mausoleum, only he wood hev a
slite change. He wood hev Columbia supported by him, ez
Neptoon, the God uv the briny deep, puttin a wax sceptre,
labelled “Veto,” in the hands uv the wax President, with the
inscripshen, “With this he wood hev saved the Constitooshn.”
Randall wuz overpowered, but he did not give up his pint.
“I hev decided on this,” sed the President. “I shel not
pervent the people from testifyin their devoshen to me, and
bearin witness to my many virchoos. I hev already received
tenders of percessions ez terrible ez armies with banners.
The Blood Tubs uv Baltimore, the Killers uv Philadelfy, and
the Ded Rabbits uv Noo York, hev all expressed a desire to do
me this honor. In Noon Haven, the Noo Yorkers kin go ther to
make the percession, jist ez easy ez they went up ther to vote
our ticket in the spring, ez I shel not be in two places the
same day. In the South, ef the Confedrits I hev pardoned
will all turn out, the percessions will be miles in length, and ef
they do not, the Ku Klux will be on hand.”
Randall cautioned him not to count double. “Yoo are
probably aware,” sed he, “that the Ku Klux is made up almost
entirely uv the patriots yoo pardoned. But that don't matter;
yoo will still be ovatid to yoor heart's desire. I hev correspondence.
Here is a letter from a prominent Noo York Dimocrat:
`Hev him come this way. The nigger orfan asylum
burnt in 1863 hez bin rebilt, and the boys are achin for a chance
to go for it agin. His comin wood stir up our voters to some
extent, and help to swell the majority for Seymour.'
“Another one says, —
“`I hev no objeckshun to yoor funeral percession passin thro
Noo Haven. I don't think it wood hurt us. It wood hev the
effeck uv gittin up some excitement, wich possibly we cood
turn to account in the fall election. But it must be managed
nicely.'
-- 528 -- p635-577
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“Another remarks: —
“`He hed better come to Richmond, I think. We cood git
up a percession wich wood terrify the niggers and white loyalists,
and possibly keep em from ratifyin the Constitooshun. I
will make the speech, and will say any good things uv Johnson
yoo may sejest, for I am an old man and hev no further hopes
for myself, and am consekently reckliss.'
“I hev,” said Randall, “others uv similar import from Noo
Orleens, Mobeel, Vixburg, and Memphis. The writers all manifest
the most ardent devoshen to —”
“I knowd they wood,” exclaimed the President. “I yit hev
friends.”
“— To the candidate uv the Noo York Convenshun, and ez
they all appear to think that this percession thro the country
wood help em, I am willin. I can stand it. Like my Richmond
friend, I hev nothin to hope for.”
The tour wuz desided upon, and the President retired comparatively
happy. The people must compliment him to his
face, and he's a goin out in a sort uv a blaze uv glory any
how.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXIV. THE IMPEACHMENT FAILURE. — THE FEELING AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
Washington, D. C., May 19, 1868.
*The happiest hours I hev enjoyed for years past over me last
nite. The failyoor to impeech filled me with joy inexpressible.
Thank Hevin! Halleloogy! Ef I wuz David I shood restring
my harp, ef I wuz Miriam I shood order a fresh timbrel,
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ef I wuz Herodias I shood dance afore the King! For we hev
pervaled. Our shepherd boy hez met this Goliath uv Radicalism,
and with weapons wich he took from his pouch hez conkered
him. This rapsody hez reference to impeechment excloosively.
When the vote wuz announced ther wuz the wildest enthoosiasm
manifested. The streets wuz immejitly filled with
the faithful. Baltimore and the cities further South hed vomitid
all over Washinton. Mrs. Cobb, no longer in teers, hed
returned, the pardon-brokers, whisky-spekilaters, and those
who hed difficulties with courts on account uv irregularities in
the currency they manufactured, wuz all here, and joyful.
Confedrit Captains, Kernels, and Brigadiers forgot their respective
ranks and embraced each other in the public streets;
the gray coats wich hed seen servis at Anteetam and Harper's
Ferry made their appearance agin, the drinkin saloons filled
up ez ef by magic, in fact, the sceen remindid me very much
uv the revival uv the coz on the 22d uv Febrooary, 1866.
At the White House there wuz the most terrific exhilerashun.
The President sat smilin serenely, Sekretary Welles (blessins
on his frosty pow) wuz ez lively ez the Dunderberg, and
Patterson wuz normal. The room wuz crowded with persons
to congratoolate the President on his success, and every minit
congratulatory despatches wuz bein reseeved, uv wich the
follerin is samples: —
Concord, N. H., 19th.
The Dimocrisy uv Noo Hampsheer send greetin to Noo
Hampsheer's noblest son, Salmon P. Chase. We forgive and
welcum him.
F. Peerce.
Noo Orleans, 19th.
The city is ablaze with enthoosiasm. My old poleece is
now paradin the streets, a cheerin for Chase. Ez I write they
are givin nine cheers and a tiger ez they pass the spot at wich
Dostie wuz shot. Judge Abell desires me to add his congratulashuns.
Monroe, Ex-Mayor.
Peory, Ill., 19th.
The circle wich hez a interest in the handlin uv ardent
sperits at this place, congratulates the President on his triumph
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[figure description] Page 530.[end figure description]
over his (and our) enemies. Ther confidence in the integrity
uv the Senit wuz not misplaced. They consider the money
they contributed to bring about this result well spent, and will
promptly honor any draft made upon em for means to carry
His Eggslency safe thro the remainin ten articles.
By order uv the Circle.
The President promptly answered this telegram, statin that
no more money was needed to be yoosed for impeachment purposes,
ez the contract with Senators kivered the entire eleven
articles.
There were others from Morrissey, Vallandigham, and others,
all breethin the same sperit uv thankfulnis for the result, and
all acknowledgin indebtednis to the noble Republikins wich
hed brot it about. These come from my old Kentucky home:
Halleloojy! I'll hev my niggers agin! Thank Hevin! My
son Josier is even now findin out ther whereabouts. The
Lord be praised! Hev already subjoogated three uv em.
Selah! Bells is ringin and bonfires is blazin.
Pogram.
The Corners congratulates yoo and the President. I commence
work to-morrer on the enlargement uv my distillery,
wich wuz suspended when the impeachment onpleasantnis wuz
begun. All hale!
McPelter.
“Why,” sed I to Randall, who sat moody and alone, “don't
yoo and the President share in the general exileration? He
doesn't seem to be the least eggscited.”
“Why shood we?” retorted he. “Doth the shepherd go
into spasms over the sheep he hez safe in his fold? The fact is,
our eggscitin time wuz several weeks ago, while we wuz a
buyin uv em, and arrangin for this. The Black Crook is ruther
startlin to the beholder from the front, but to the managers
who contracted for the legs at so much a pair, and arranged
the tablo it ain't so startlin.”
“Thinkst thou the new programme will result ez the President
hopes?”
“No; the new party can't succeed, no more than our last
vencher did. It ain't made up uv the right material. There's
more intelleck than sole in it — more bowels than heart.
There's Chase, Fessenden, Trumbull, and Grimes. Chase hez
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ambition, Grimes hate, and Trumbull and Fessenden dyspepsia,
making the engregencies in the new organization half ambition
and hate and half dyspepsia. Never trust a man whose stumick
is out of order; take no stock in him whose bowels is unsound.
Intelleck is nothin, heart is nothin, onless there's a stumick
under em on wich to build. Chase hez no conshense, Trumbull
and Fessenden no gastric joose. Sich men alluz conspire and
alluz fail. Still, I'm glad the thing occurred.”
“Ef it amounts to nothin, why glad?”
“Becoz it lets Johnson and me out. When Arnold went
back on his countrymen, his countrymen forgot Joodis Iskariot;
when Aaron Burr ariz, they to-wunst forgot Arnold; Pierce
drove Burr out uv the public mind, Bookanan made em forget
Pierce, Johnson made em forget Bookanan, and now Chase will
make em forget Johnson and me. That's what I wuz drivin at.
Under the storm I shell leeve for my quiet Wisconsin home
and live in peece, for beside these latter cusses I shel loom up
into comparative respectability. Good nite. All is well.”
At a late hour I retired to my virchus couch, and fallin into
the deep sleep wich only visits the pillers uv them whose conshences
ain't bothered much, uv whom I am wich, ez my conshence
sheds convickshen uv wrath to come ez a duck does
spring rain, I dreemed a most curis dreem.
Methawt the Presidenshel course wuz reely and trooly a
race course, and the candidates hed to run that course, the
winner uv the race to be glorified. At one end uv the track
wuz a weighin stand and at the other the winner's post, which
wuz the White House. The runners wuz to carry the candidates
for Vice President, and sich other weights ez their backers
shood put onto em.
The Republicans hed Grant on the ground, promptly and
ready for the race. He come up splendid. He wuzn't so
mighty immense, but he wuz clean-limbed, decently developt all
over, and showed first-rate in the back and loins. Colfax
vaulted onto his shoulders, and he wuz ready.
Our people hed some difficulty in selectin a man to run agin
him. Finally Chase wuz selected to run, and he wuz brot to
the weighin stand. To the naked eye he wuz a splendid
specimen, and he come up to the stand so galliant, that
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notwithstandin he carried in his hand a silver pitcher wich the niggers
uv Cincinnati give him for defendin a fugitive from Kentucky,
our people cheered him vociferous. Tall, strong, and muscularlookin,
in good flesh, deep-chested, broad-shouldered, strongbackt,
he wuz ez perfect a specimen ez I ever beheld, and all
felt confident that he wood hev no trouble in beatin his opponent
out uv site.
At this pint Vallandygum, Peerse, Vorhees, Morrissey, and
Wood, who hed charge uv our arrangements, took him in hand.
“We must prepare our man,” sed they.
“Take orf this Ablishn coat,” sed Voorhees.
“And this imparshel suffrage vest,” sed Morrissey; “the
nigger hezn't the moral qualificashens for the ballot.”
“And this free soil shirt,” sed Wood.
“And that anti-fugitive slave law wig,” sed Voorhees.
“And them ekal justice shoulder-braces,” sed Peerse.
“And them humanitarian pants,” shreeked Wood.
“We can't abide none uv these things,” yelled the crowd.
“Peel! All uv these yoo got from the Ablishnists, free-soilers,
and Republicans. We'll none uv em.”
The silver pitcher he carried in his hand they trampled into
the mud, and one by one the obnoxious garments wuz pulled
off from him. Heavens! wat a change! Ez they wuz removed
he shrunk. When the coat wuz taken off he wuzn't so broad
and massive; when the vest wuz gone he wuz positively flatchested;
when the shoulder-braces wuz removed he became
hump-backed; and when the pants wuz snaked off he stood
afore us the merest skeleton I ever beheld — a weak, shaky,
wheezin skeleton. Our folks looked disappointed, but it wuz
too late to change. A loose two-sided wrapper wuz thrown
over him, Gov. English climbed onto his shoulders, Vallandygum
jumped into one pocket and Fernandy Wood into the
other, the brass band tooted, the crowd yelled, he made one
convulsiv start, but in vain. The stiffnin wuz all out uv him.
His poor, weak knees gave way, his back doubled up, and he
came to the ground, every bone in him rattlin ez he fell, while
Grant made the race serenely.
“My God,” sed Morrissey, lookin at the poor wreck, “what
he got from the Ablishnists wuz all ther wuz uv him, after all!”
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At this pint I awoke, and wuz saddened. There's where our
trouble lies. We hev to strip these fellows, when they come
to us, uv all that gives em any strength. Chase, without his
Ablishnism, can't get a Ablishen vote, and the Democracy will
vote for their own men in preference. Names ain't worth a
d—n any more, and men without principles ain't uv the slightest
account. And that's what's the matter with Democracy.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n85* After the failure to impeach President Johnson, the Democracy turned their
eyes towards Chief Justice Chase as the most available man to lead them. It
was a most curious thing to see Chase and Voorhees in communion sweet.
CLXV. THE CHICAGO CONVENTION. — MR. NASBY GETS ON A HEAVY DISGUST.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 24, 1868.
I wuz at Chicago one day. My ears wuz stunned with 'rors
for Grant; the bands wuz all playin the Star Spangled Banner
and sich, and even the street organ grinders hed attooned their
lyres to the same Ablishun melodies.
On my arrival I askt a vishus boy (wich I knowd wuz Dimekratic,
from the fact that his little shirt wood hev hung out uv
his little pants ef he'd hed any shirt), ef he cood show me
where the Ablishun Convenshun wuz a holdin itself.
“Certinly I kin,” sed he. “It's in that yer bildin,” pintin
to a ruther gorgus edifice with a steeple to it.
I entered it, and wuz surprised at the fewness uv the delegates
on the floor, and at ther pecoolyer appearance. They
didn't look like delegates to any Convenshun I hed ever attended.
Ther noses wuzn't uv the color I hed ben accustomed
to. They wuz all solemn lookin chaps, with gold spectacles,
black coats, high foreheds, and white neckerchers.
At this pint I turned to a man sittin beside me, and in an
undertone askt wich wuz ahed on the last ballot, Colfax or
Wade?
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“Sir,” sed he, “are yoo a Johnson postmaster?”
“I am,” sed I, defiantly. “How didst determine that pint?”
“By yoor breath,” sed he. “Yoor mistaken in the place,
my friend. This is a Methodist Conference.”
That wicked and perverse boy hed intenshnelly deceeved me.
Unable to obtane admission into the Opera House, I whiled
away the rosy hours a visitin the delegashen rooms. The Ingeany
delegashen offered me water when I intimated I wuz
athirst. The Ohio delegashen knew me on site and rekested
me to dust, and the Californy delegashen, uv wich I expected
better things, hed the impudence to offer me wine! Wine!
Wine! to feed sich a nose ez I carry about. Wine to satisfy
the cravins uv sich a stumick ez mine! Faugh! Disgusted
at the thinness uv the beverages, I retired into a friendly hostelry
kept by Dennis O'Shaughnessey, and at his hospitable
bar, solaced myself with three fingers uv Kentucky sustenance.
There wuz no enthoosiasm among the citizens uv Chicago
wich I naterally fell among. The s'loon keepers, wich in remembrance
uv the Demokratic Convenshun uv 1864 had made
extra preparashuns, wuz gloomy, sad, and disappointed. These
places, garnisht for the occasion, wuz sad and lonely. There
wuz an entire absence uv that gentle gurgle wich to me is so
pleasin; there wuz none uv the generous noses and faces
lighted up with the radiance born uv the barl, wich I am so
accustomed to.
It's the last Republican convenshen I shel ever attend. The
idea uv a confrence sittin in the same city with a convenshen!
The idea uv minglin politics with religion! Will there be
confrences in Noo York in Jooly?
On my return, we wuz a settin in Bascom's a discussin
the nominashens. Deekin Pogram wuz indignant. “Good
Heavens!” said he, with horror in his sainted face, “kin it be
that men perfessin nashnel views wood offer sich a insult to
Kentucky ez to nominate sich a man ez Grant, who, sword in
hand, devastated her fertile fields, and piled the bodies of her
nootral sons who resisted his advance mountains high? Kin
it be that —”
“Easy, Deekin,” replied I; “stiddy! stiddy! Don't take a
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[figure description] Page 535.[end figure description]
posishen rashly. It ain't improbable that we may hev to nominate
Hancock, or some other soljer. In that event — but I've
sed enuff.”
“Well, at all evence,” sed the Deekin, “it's a most hoomiliatin
thing to hev thrown in our faces a infamous proposishen to
pay a debt inkurred in a infamous attempt to subjoogate us —
to pledge our labor to pay a debt unconstitooshnally inkurred,
and un —”
“Deekin,” sed I, “yoor zeel I do admire, but yoor reely
indiscreet. It may be found necessary in order to carry Noo
York to nominate Belmont's man, who will be pledged to this
very thing. Go a little slow.”
“Well, however that may be, it's a burnin shame to throw
into Kentucky's face a Abolishnist — two uv em in fact —
and —”
“Deekin” (I spoke this time severely), “yoor very indiscreet
to-day. It's possible, and I may say probable, that that noble
patriot, Cheef Justice Chase, who hez bin a friteful Ablishnist,
and who, ef he runs, will, for obvius reasons, make us swaller
at the beginnin a porshen uv his heresies, may be our candidate.
Say nothin, Deekin, that yoo'l hev to take back.”
Feelin that rite here wuz a splendid chance for an improvin
discourse on the nacher, objicks, and aims uv Democracy, I
opened out onto em.
“Dimocrisy,” I remarkt, “is distinguished cheefly for its
elasticity in adaptin means to ends. One wood suppose that
Postoffis is its cheef end. In one sense it is. Dimocrisy is
willin to sacrifice anything wich it hez for Postoffis. It mite
raise Deekin Pogram's ire to sejest the nominashen uv Hancock,
on akkount uv his slawterins, or Belmont's candidate on
akkount uv his insistin on payin off the Nashnel debt, or Chase,
who hez bin in his day suspected uv bein tainted with Ablishinism.
But, my brethring, let it be remembered that success is
the main objick. Success is wat Bascom wants, that I, bein
continyood in offis, may hev the means to pay for the likker I
consoom, and to avoid the necessity uv bein continyooally
rekested to chalk it down, which practis he esteems disgustin,
and one wich greatly increases his labors. Captain McPelter
wants success, that he may continyoo to hev Assessors,
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Collectors and Revenoo offisers with wich he kin divide the profits
uv the $2.00 tax on the whisky he makes, and Deekin Pogram
wants success that he may hev his niggers agin, or at least
that he may hev the privilege uv hirin em for $4 per month,
deductin 25 cents per day for each day's absense, without no
Burow offiser or other military satrap hangin about to molest
or make afraid. Success is the main pint, and ef Hancock is
the way, walk ye in it; ef Chase or Seymour is the way, walk
ye ditto, for with either uv these men all these things we'll
hev. When they come to us they leeve ther former selves
behind.
But methinks I hear one say, Hancock is a soljer, Seymour
a anti-repudiator, and Chase a Ablishnist! Wat uv that?
They may be wat they like when they go into offis, — assosiashen
with us fetches em sooner or later. The road down is a
easy one to travel. It's easier to slide than to climb, wich is
the reason why so many more are damned than saved. Democracy,
like Bascom's new likker, holds a man when it gits
him. Johnson wuz a good enuff Ablishnist till he called onto
us for help, and then he wuz lost. Let Chase stay with us a
week and he'd forgit all his old ideas, yoo bet. Shood yoo
poke that silver pitcher at him the niggers give him at Cincinnati,
for defendin a fugitive, and he'd swear like Peter he never
saw it — only differin from Peter in that he'd stick to it. And
there is no goin back, for the principal ones. Ther remorse
kind o' drives em deeper and deeper, till they finally are worse
than ez tho they originally wuz uv us. Let us, my brethren,
never reject any help we kin git. Let it come in any shape
and from any source, it'll finally assimilate to us and be uv us.
Ez I conclooded my remarks, my circle all agreed that it wuz
safe to take whatever we cood git from the enemy, and we
retired, I feelin that whatever other localities mite do, the
Corners wuz safe. Wat an outrage it is, though, that the Ablishnists
nominated sich a man for Vice-President ez to make
Grant perfectly safe from bein removed ez Linkin wuz. Ef
he's elected he'll serve out his time sure.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 537 -- p635-586
CLXVI. THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 1, 1868.
[figure description] Page 537.[end figure description]
The matter uv a Presidenshl candidate hez opprest me, and
hez also exercised the gigantic intellex who congregate at the
Corners. We hev desided that Cheef Justis Chase won't do.
We kin support him cheerfully, for his method uv conduktin
the impeachment trial hez satisfied us uv his hankerin for a
standin in our party. Besides this, havin made a start, we consider
him safe anyhow. The man wich kin take a nominashen
at our hands, or identify hisself with us, may alluz be countid
onto. The Ablishnists never forgive sich, and ther ain't no
other place to go. When Johnson and Doolittle and that
crowd left the Ablishnists, I knew where they would land
better than they did. Facilis descensus averni, wich bein
translated into the vulgar tongue, means, the road to hell is
macadamized. Hancock won't do, becoz our Southern brethren
hev a prejoodis agin the flag he drawd his sword under.
Pendleton wood anser the West, but the East is opposed to
him. I therefore, after givin the matter matoor considerashen,
hev desided to propose for the posishen the name uv Jethro
L. Kippins, uv Alexander county, Illinoy.
I hev the follerin reasons for insistin on his nominashen: —
1. He's geographically level. By lookin on the map, it will
be seen that that county in Illinoy is the extreme south-westerly
part uv the State. It is a Northern county with Southern
ideas. Across the river is Kentucky, west is south-eastern
Missoury, and east is lower Injeany. They grow tobacco
there, and yearn after slave labor ez intensly ez we do across
the river.
2. Nobody knows him. The name uv Jethro L. Kippins,
hez never filled the soundin trump uv fame. With him on our
tikkit several pints wood be gained. On all the questions on
-- 538 --
[figure description] Page 538.[end figure description]
wich there is a doubt in the minds uv the Democracy, Jethro
L. Kippens is uncommitted. He is unembarrassed with views,
and on troublesome questions hez nary an opinyun. The
trouble Pendleton hez with the greenbax wood not affect him,
neither wood any uv them other questions wich are ruther
embarrassin than otherwise. He hez but one political principle,
wich he holds is enuff for any one man, and that is Democracy,
ez it hez bin, ez it is, and ez it may be. He beleeves
firmly in the cuss uv Canaan, he holds close to Onesimus and
Hagar, and hez sworn a solemn oath that no nigger shel ever
marry a daughter uv hizzen. This noble sentiment, wich alluz
strikes a responsive cord in every buzzum, wood be emblazoned
on the Kippins banner.
3. Jethro L. Kippinses posishen on the war question is happy.
He opposed all the steps wich led to it, and when it finally
broke out, he proposed the only troo Demokratic way uv stoppin
it. It wuz his opinyun that we hed no rite to coerce the South—
that there wuz no warrant in the Constitooshen for any sich
perceedin. “Ef Boregard fires onto Major Anderson,” sed he,
“let Major Anderson go afore the nearest Justice uv the Peece
and hev him bound over to keep the peece, and ef the Justis
can't enforce his warrant, why that ends it. We can't go
beyond the Constitooshn.” After hostilities actooally begun,
his posishen wuz eminently satisfactory to both sides. He wuz
in favor uv the war, but opposed to its prosecooshen. He remarkt
that the South hed committed a indiscreshen, but were
he in Congris he shoodn't vote for nary man nor dollar for
carryin on a war agin em. His two sons served in the war,
one in the Confedrit servis and one in the Fedral — both ez
sutlers. The war bore heavy on him — he made great sacrifices.
Three other sons he supported in Canada doorin the
continyooance uv the unnachrel strife.
4. Jethro L. Kippins hez all the elements uv popularity. He
wuz born in a log cabin; he studied Daboll's Arithmetic by the
lite uv a pine knot, held for the purpose by his mother; he
drove hoss on the canal, wuz a salt boiler in Southern Ohio, a
wagon boy on the Nashnel Road, wuz left an orphan when six
weeks old, swept a store in his early yooth, went down the
-- 539 --
[figure description] Page 539.[end figure description]
Mississippi on a flat boat, wuz in the Mexikin war, and hez a
consoomin pashen for horses. He hez, in this, the advantage
of Grant, ez his pashen wuz so consoomin that it got him into
a temporary difficulty, wich required 12 men, a Judge, and
two lawyers to settle, one uv the lawyers bein the State's
Attorney uv the county. These facts in his biography I got
from his own lips. Ef there's any discrepancies, uv course
the committee on biography will reconcile em. It may be that
he may hev done too much — wich is to say, ef all he sez is
troo, he wood be two or three hundred years old. Ef so, it
will hev to be pared down. He hez bin justis uv the peece
ten years in his native township, wich gives him a splendid
knowledge uv constooshnel law.
5. He's trooly nashnel in his views. He knows no North,
no South, no East, no West, no nothin. That last qualificashen
mite prejudis some agin him, but to me its his chief holt. For
with sich a man in the Presidenshel chair I wood be safe. We
hev an abundance uv sich men ez Wood, Seymour, Vallandygum,
et settry, who kin manage a President, but who are
too odorous to be electid very much to that posishen themselves.
Therefore, it's necessary that precisely sich a man ez
I hev described be electid; and the fact that Chase knows too
much, is the objection I hev to him. Polk wuz manageable,
Pierce eminently so, and poor old Bookannon was wonderfully
pliable.
Sich is the candidate wich I present. There are many pints
in his favor. Our people wood to-wunst exclaim, “Who'n
thunder is Kippins?” and before they cood find out, the day
uv election wood be on em, and they'd vote him. His hevin
no record is also in his favor. Wat wood Pendleton, Vallandygum,
Seymour, and Wood give ef they hed no record? A
record is like a tin kittle to a dog's tale — it's a noisy appendage,
wich makes the dog conspicuous, and invites everybody
to shy a brick at him.
I hevent menshund in this, nor shel I, who would be a
proper man for the seckund place on the ticket. I hev my
opinion. Kentucky is deservin uv recognishun — that's all I
shel say. The modesty wich is characteristic uv me prevents
-- 540 -- p635-589
[figure description] Page 540.[end figure description]
me from segestin the partickeler citizen uv Kentucky who
ought to be thus honored. We shal see whether or not republics
is ongrateful.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
P. S. The fact that Jethro L. Kippins holds my note for
$18.63, with interest for two yeers, hez no inflooence in my
segestin his name. I am inflooenced by no mercenary considerashuns.
CLXVII. MR. NASBY A DELEGATE TO NEW YORK.
New York (at a cheep boardin }
house), July the 4, 1868.
Ef I hed knowd just wat I hed to go thro with, I never
wood figgered for the posishen I now okkepy. Hed I knowd
the troubles wich was to beset me, the Corners mite hev gone
onrepresented, and the Democrisy mite hev nominatid a candikate
without my help. I am at a cheep boardin house, wich is
salubrusly sitooated on an alley, the landlady bein one uv the
anshent Kings uv Ireland, wich her name is O'Shaughnessy.
I coodent get rooms at the Aster, nor the St. Nicholas, ez I
coodent git a clerk to look at me. And that insult mite be
added to injoory, the unfeelin woman who presides over the
manshen I inhabit, peremptorily refoozed to reseeve me ontil I
paid in advance. I tried sevral places, but ez I hedn't no
baggage, the pervailin opinyun seemed to be that advance
payment wood be better, and I wuz forst to return to her.
My advenchers on the route were noomerous, if not
pleasant.
At some pint in Ingiany, wher we changed cars, I found the
trane we hed to take full uv delegates. In lookin around for a
seet, I diskivered but one that hadn't two in it, and that one
hed in it a disgustin nigger, who hed the impoodence to be
-- 541 --
[figure description] Page 541.[end figure description]
well drest, and hed a carpet sack beside him. My Demokratic
blood riz to-wunst. Feelin that in a car filled with Demokratic
delegates, anything I shood do to a nigger wood be safe, I
stawkt proudly up to him, holdin my nose.
“Good Lord!” sed I, “wat a smell.”
“Good Lord!” ekoed the delegates wich got on at that
stashen, “wat a terrible smell.”
“My gentle Afrikin frend,” sed I, seezin him by the collar,
“I regret the necessity uv sayin disagreeable things, but yoor
impudence in gittin into a car uv white gentlemen, with the
disgustin odor inseparable from the Afrikin race, is too much.
And more especially do I wonder at yoor keepin yoor seet,
while I and other white gentlemen are standin.”
“Out with the nigger!” yelled the lately arrived delegates;
“hustle the stinkin cuss.”
“Merciful Hevens, wat a smell!” sung out others uv em.
“Hist him!” “Hist him!”
Seein myself thus backed, and feelin that a little zeal wood
be safe, ez niggers can't vote, I knockt his hat out uv the
winder, and follered up that demonstrashen with a serious
attempt at liftin him out uv the seat. I wood hev succeeded,
but the nigger resisted vigorously, to-wit: he knockt three uv
my front teeth down my throte, pulled out wat little there wuz
left uv the hare that hangs in scanty festoons about my venrable
temples, and blackt both my eyes. I wuz lyin on my back in
the passage, somewat astonished, the nigger a standin over
me, with his boot heel over my face, when some gentlemen
came in from another car and restrained him. “Mr. Williams,”
sed they, “let him up. He's poor white trash, and not worth
wastin yoor indignashen onto. Let him up, Mr. Williams, let
him up.”
“Sirs,” sed I, risin to my feet, tremulous with rage, “is this
the treatment I am to expect all the way to Noo York? Am I
to be pounded to jelly by a nigger, — a stinkin nigger, sirs,
whose odor even now makes the car ontenable to gentlemen
uv refined sensibilities, — and to heer the nigger addresst ez
“Mister” after that, instid uv bein tored to pieces by the
infuriated spectators! O shame, where is thy blush?”
“You mizable cuss,” sed one uv these gentlemen, “
-- 542 --
[figure description] Page 542.[end figure description]
apologise to-wunst to this gentleman for yoor insultin roodnis, or
we'll chuck yoo out uv the cars. Apologize, sir, to Mr. Josef
Williams, Delegate at Large for the State uv Tennessee!”
I almost fainted. This nigger, then, wuz a delegate! He
wuz a regler delegate, armed and equipped with regler credenshels
to a Demokratic Convenshen, and I hed been guilty,
in my zeel, uv assaultin uv him! Gladly I apologyzed, and
further, I humbly begged permission to sit beside him; wich
he accordid with a graciousnis I never saw ekalled.
It wuz astonishin the change that crept over the Injeany
delegates. They crowded around us, and shook him by the
hand; they didn't smell any odor at all any more; on the
contrary, they seemed to like him. They addrest him ez
“Mister,” and sevral uv em, introdoocin him to ther friends
who got on at various stashens, yoosed the prefix “Honorable.”
It's wonderful wat a difference it makes with a nigger to have
a vote, and also how he votes! Hed that Williams bin infected
with Ablishinnism, I make no doubt that the stench wich I
reely fancied I smelt when I fust undertook to subjoogate him,
wood hev continyood to the end uv the trip. In olden times it
wuz observed that slave niggers didn't smell — it wuz only the
free ones. It is a settled fact now that Demokratic niggers are
inodorous! I mite hev known, however, that the nigger wuz
a free nigger, by the way he pitched into me. No nigger in a
state uv servitood wood ever hev did sich a thing. That much
they owe to the war, anyhow.
My principal object in goin to Noo York wuz to do wat I
cood toward secoorin the nominashen of Jethro L. Kippins. I
found the delegates badly tore up. The offers made for votes
wuz so rediculously low that there wuz much disgust manifested.
The trouble wuz, that the markit wuz over-stockt.
Hed the Convenshen bin pretty ekally divided, and the balance
uv power held by a few clost mouthed souls, they cood hev
made a good thing of it. But where a whole Convenshen is
in the markit, and all their inflooenshel friends, no candidate can
afford to buy. I withdrew Mr. Kippens to-wunst, for he hez
but a small farm, and that mortgaged to a grocery keeper.
I wuz on the Committee on Resolooshens, or ruther wuz in
the room ez a sort uv advisory committee while the
-- 543 --
[figure description] Page 543.[end figure description]
resolooshens wuz bein draftid. General Forrest, uv Tennessee, wuz
partiklerly anxshus that a resolooshen shood be adoptid denouncin
the Radicals, who wuz, with unholy hands, a strivin
to destroy the best government the sun ever shone upon, and
one the destruction uv wich wood be a calamity wich unborn
millions wood shed teers over. He desired a resolooshen
pledgin the Dimocrisy to stand by the old Stars and Stripes,
wich flag hed braved a thousand breezes, and wuz synonomous,
et settry. Mr. Wooley, Mr. Cobb (Mrs. Cobb's husband), and
Perry Fuller, pertikelerly desired a resolooshen demandin the
turnin out uv office uv corrupt men, that the government mite
be administered with suthin like the purity wich distinguished
it doorin the administration uv the late lamented Bookannon, at
the menshen uv whose name every delegate present held a
hankercher to his eyes for five consecutive minits, ez tho a
grate greef hed fallen onto him.
Cheef Justis Chase wuz espeshelly anxyus for a resoloshun
denounsin in the severest terms them onprincipled, fanatikal
Radikels, who for years hed bin laborin to subvert the government,
by interferin with the persuns and property uv citizens,
and also pledgin the Convenshen to that wise conservatism
without wich ther cood be no permanance in our government.
I dropt into the Soljers' and Sailers' Convenshun, but I didn't
stay long. Them whose noses wuzn't red, wanted to be either
President or cabinet orfisers; and uv the balance uv em,
the leastest sed the better. My sole indignated ez I saw
seated among em the very sutler who refoosed me credit when
I wuz servin ez a drafted man in 1862; and also a claim agent,
who got $10 uv me, on the promis uv getin my bounty; which,
when he got it he absorbed in fees, costs, and commissions.
Ther wuz, uv coorse, some troo men. Ther wuz soljers ther
wich resigned early in the war on akkount uv its bein a d—d
Ablishin war, and others who left becoz Linkin wuzn't rapid
enuff in makin uv Major Generals. Ther wuz no limit to ther
speekin. Every wun hed the speech wich he delivered at the
Cleveland Convenshun in 1866 carefully preserved, and they
all insisted on deliverin em, wich ez I left they were doin, all
to themselves. Ef they kin stan it I am willin. We are agoin
to hev a Soljers' Convenshen in Richmond to ratify the nom
-- 544 -- p635-593
[figure description] Page 544.[end figure description]
inashens, wich will amount to suthin. We shel hev Forrest
there, Boregard, and Breckenridge, and their speeches will
count. We will hev the flags uv the two governments entwined,
and we will hev the moosic uv both seckshens played.
Sich a Convenshen will amount to suthin.
Wat the platform will be, or who the candidates will be, the
Lord only knows. I am prepared for anythin, and so are all
the delegates. Ef it's Pendleton, on a repoodiashen platform,
well and good; ef its Seymour, on a Nashenel Bank platform,
jest as good. I shood be happy to see Breckinridge the choice
uv the party, and delighted ef Hancock shood be chosen. I
kin hurrah for Chase, and with ekal vigger kin swing my hat
for Vallandygum, and I find all the delegates similerly affected.
The Post Office is the lean kine wich swallers up all the others.
We are willin to sink everythin in Post Office. That my sincerity
may not be doubted, let it be remembered that I have
rid with a nigger from Ingeany to Noo York; hev bin whaled
by one, and hev felt good over it; hev bin hurrahin for an old
line Abolishnist, and swearin the while I liked it. Ef any other
evidence uv flexibility is needed, I feel ekal to the task. Politically,
I am ekal to all emergencies.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXVIII. A FUTILE ATTEMPT TO RATIFY THE NOMINATIONS AT THE CORNERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
July 31, 1868.
*We hed last nite a ratification meeting at the Corners, wich
started out gloriously, but didn't end so happily ez it mite. I
-- 545 --
[figure description] Page 545.[end figure description]
hed gone to a good deal uv trouble about it, and hed made all
arrangement for a feast uv reason and flow uv sole, ekalled by
few ratifications and surpassed by none.
The blessed Deacon, McPelter, and Issaker Gavitt, who expect
respectively to hold the posishens uv Assessor, Collector,
and Whiskey Inspector for this district, come down handsomely
with the funds, enuff to enable me to dekorate the post offis
with flags and transparencies, and myself with a pare uv ready
made pants, wich I muddied considerable to make em look old,
so that they shood not suspect ther funds hed bin applied in
that way. Human nacher is a inscrutable mystery. They
wood objeck did they know I hed clothed myself with ther
money instead uv wastin it on taller candles and sich, wich
burn out and leave nothin behind.
I wuz economikle in my expenditoors, or rather little expense
was nessary. Desirin to wake the enthoosiasm uv the Democrisy,
I procoored a parsel uv Confedrit battle flags, wich the
returned heroes hed brot home with em, and hed the talismanic
words, “Seymour and Blare,” painted across em. The effeck
wuz gorgus! Ez nite approacht I hed the transparencies,
saved over from a celebrashen wich hed bin held after Chickamauga,
lighted up. The enthoosiasm, ez the populace saw
these, and listened to Captin McPelter, ez he red em to em,
wuz overpowerin. How they cheered ez the words flasht out
into the nite, “Southern Rites, Southern Men, and a Southern
Government!” “Death to Northern Hirelins!” “Down with
the gorilla Linkin!” “Jeff Davis and the Confedracy forever!”
“No quarter to Fedral invaders!” And when Boregard's
black flag, onto wich “Seymour and Blair” wuz painted
in red letters, wuz unfurled, ther arose sich cheers for the
nominees uv the Noo York Convenshun ez I hed never heerd
before, nor expect to again.
At this time, jist ez everythin wuz a gitin red hot, the trouble
commenced. Pennibacker, wich runs our biggest and best
distillery, jumped onto the platform, at my suggestion, and proposed
three cheers for Seymour and Greenbacks, and three
groans for the bloated bondholders. The crowd, with troo
Dimokratic docility, wuz agoin to cheer, when Bascom, who
hez some 5.20's, riz, and swore that he'd be d—d ef that shood
-- 546 --
[figure description] Page 546.[end figure description]
be. “Governor Seymour is in favor of payin the Nashnel
indebtedness, principal and interest, in gold. Reed his speech
at the Cooper Institoot.”
“Is he? Is he?” shoutid Pennibacker, springing onto the
platform, “Is he? Reed the platform wich he accepts!”
“Don't Belmont, and the eastern bankers, support him?”
yelled Bascom.
“Don't Vallandygum, Pendleton, and dirty shirt Dean support
him?” yelled Pennibacker.
“Yoor doctrin,” sed Bascom, excitedly, “is a d—d swindle—
a peace uv theevin, wich a Arab wood be ashamed uv, and
Seymour sed so.”
“Yoor proposishen is a outrage onto opprest people, a
grindin uv em into the earth under the heels uv bloated aristocrats
and pampered sons uv luxury, and the platform Seymour
stands onto says so,” shouted Pennibacker.
“Yoor a swindler!” excitedly yelled Bascom; whereupon
they clinched and rolled orf the platform titely huggin, and
making extraordinary physikle efforts at injoorin each other.
To direct the attenshun uv the populis from this untoward
circumstance, I rekested Issaker to sing out three cheers for
Blare!
“Three cheers for Blare!” sung out Issaker, “the Missouri
statesman, who will rid us uv Freedman's Burows and military
rool.”
“Three cheers for Blare!” yelled Punt, — “a Ablishnist
and Linkin hirelin, wich shot my unkle in Missoury, and burnt
my grandmother's house near Vixburg!”
“He ain't no Ablishnist!” exclaimed Issaker; “reed his
letters.”
“It's difficult to say wat he is to-day, but I'll swear to it he
wuz three years ago; but it makes no difference. I swore four
year ago to lick any man who hurrahed for any member uv the
Blare family.”
And this infooriated wretch pounced onto Issaker, and they
rolled off the stand to join Bascom and Pennibacker, who
hadn't settled their onpleasantnis yet.
Before it ended Deekin Pogram and Kernel McPelter got to
arguin ez to the propriety uv recognizin niggers in the ranks
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[figure description] Page 547.[end figure description]
uv the party, the Deekin takin one side and McPelter the other.
The passions uv these estimable gentlemen wuz rouzed somewat,
and before I cood interfere they hed each other by the
throte, and rolled orf onto the ground beneath the platform. I
sprang down to separate em, when McPelter turned upon me,
and wood hev sacrificed me on the spot, but the Corners rusht,
ez a man, to save me. Ez I owe the most uv em, I am entirely
safe here, and ez I shel be ontil I pay my debts, I shel never
die uv violence.
At this pint the fite became general. Some uv the people
sided with Bascom, some uv em with Pennibacker (akkordin
ez they bought whisky by the barl or by the drink), and the
balance uv em assisted Bigler and Issaker Gavitt, ez ther inclinashun
promptid em. In the melee the platform, flag, and
transparencies wuz tore down, nearly breakin my leg, for wich
I wuz insuffishently remuneratid by the handkerchers I borrered
from the prostrate combatants, under cover of assistin uv em
to rise.
After the scrimmage wuz over, Pollock and Bigler came,
with three niggers, into Bascom's, where we wuz repairin damages,
wich remarkt that they hed held a meetin, and hed passed
resolooshens thankin the Lord devoutedly for havin releeved
the Republikin party uv the Blare family, and sympathizin with
the Democrisy wich hed reseeved em; and also acknowledging
the obligashen the colored men uv the nashen were under to
the Democrisy for the handsome manner in wich they hed
treated Joe Williams, the Afrikin delegate to the Noo York
Convenshen, ez the selectin uv a nigger ez a delegate, and
assosiatin with him on terms uv ekality, wuz a step in the
direction uv yooniversal Brotherhood, wich wuz cheerin. This
insultin message, delivered to men wich wuz a patchin up ther
faces and washin orf the blood uv a politikle conflict, wuz the
reverse uv soothin.
The ratificashun wuzn't altogether a success, but we shel
try it agin after time hez softened the asperities engendered
by the recent conflict, and the candidates hev hed time to fit
theirselves and ther records to the platform. The Corners kin
be counted on.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n86* Probably there never was a more unsatisfactory ticket, or a more contradictory
one, than that nominated by the Democracy in 1868, and the platform was
quite as absurd and contradictory as the ticket.
-- 548 -- p635-597
CLXIX. THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
November 5, 1868.
[figure description] Page 548.[end figure description]
Bad news travels fast. We hev heerd from enuff uv the
States to know that the butcher Grant — he wich wunst afore
stood in the way uv the Confedracy — hez been elected President,
and that Seymore and Blare, our gellorious standard-bearers,
hev bin defeeted ignominously.
This ends it! This finishes it! There iz no longer hope
for Democrisy. Our star is sot in gloom. Never shel I forgit
the gastly appearance uv Deekin Pogram's face ez the fatal
nooze wuz told him. A single tear rolled from his left eye,
down his furrowed cheek; it glittered for a brief moment on
the tip uv his brillyent nose, and plunged off into space!
How like our hopes! Never a word sed he, but sadly beckoned
me to foller. Sadly he walked to the square, mournfully he
pulled down the Confedrit flag which hez waved from the pole
in front of Bascom's, tenderly he folded it, and placed it under
the barl uv whisky in the bar. “Thar let it rest,” gasped he
in a husky tone; “it will never kiss the breezes no more.”
And overcome with emoshun, the good old man busted in a
flood uv tears, wich saved his life. The drain uv moisture
from his system made it necessary for him to take suthin to
fill its plase, and that suthin wuz strengthnin. To save him I
took suthin strengthnin too.
I won't say a word ez to the causes uv this most terrible
defeat. Seymore wood make speeches, wich hez alluz bin fatle
to Presidenshul aspirants, and Blare wood rite terrible letters,
wich is just ez bad. Besides, Blare fairly represents us, wich
druv off all the decent people, and Seymore ruther prides hisself
on bein a gentleman, wich chilled the ardor of our party.
The nominashuns were unforchnit, but I don't reproach em.
It's fate.
I hev reason to sigh. For Pollock will git the Post Offis
after all. Tho hiz hands are contaminated by bein taken into
-- 549 --
[figure description] Page 549.[end figure description]
the hands uv niggers, — his hands wich handles kaliker and
draws molasses, and iz consekently degraded by earnin his own
livin, — his hands will pass out to Deekin Pogram the paper
wich the Corners takes! The Deekin, ez he thot uv this, bust
into teers agin. “I shel stop that paper,” sez he, “and the
Corners shel go back into the darkness uv ignerance. I shell
never go agin for a letter, nor will I hev one written for me
to any body. When a Ablishn face is at the general delivery
I shel stop paternizen the Post Offis!”
Will the new Administrashun deprive a whole community
uv a paper merely to give one uv its supporters a posishun?
We shel see.
But I cood endoor the loss uv my posishen; for principle
I kin look marterdom squarely in the face; but I see other
and more terrible results followin this catastrophe.
Wat uv the niggers? Wat uv us. We shel hev niggers
votin at the Corners! We shel hev, at our poles, all uv the
black cusses who live between here and Garretstown, a votin
ez regler ez though they wuz white men. We shel hev em
defilin the sakred ballot-box ez tho they wuz not uv a cussid
race. I see dark lines afore our poor State. They will hereafter
hold the land wich they hev bought, and wich they live
on, by a sure tenure, and they will increase and multiply.
Pollock will buy ther prodoos, and they will work and git
money. This money they will lend to us, — for we must hev it
to sustain life, — and they will take mortgages onto our land.
(When I say our, I mean Deekin Pogram and sich.) Ez we
never work ourselves, and will not hev, under the present
arrangement, the means of compellin the labor necessary to
our support, we kin never pay; and the result will be, this
beautiful land uv ourn wich we so deeply love, will pass out
uv the hands uv the stronger and better race into the control
uv a weaker and less powerful people. The Deekin was remarkin
suthin to this effect, when Joe Bigler remarkt in reply,
that the Deekin hed better throw himself onto the sympathy
uv his sons.
“Why, they can't work any more than I kin,” sed the
Deekin.
“I don't mean yoor white sons!” sed this terrible Bigler.
-- 550 --
[figure description] Page 550.[end figure description]
“They ain't uv no akkount. But in the nigger settlement at
Garrettstown yoo hev more than twenty who wood —”
The poor Deekin rushed out uv the room, while Bigler laft
his most feendish laff.
The people will be deprived uv their innocent amoosements.
This Grant will send on armed hirelins, clothed in ojus bloo,
with muskets and sich, who will prevent our shootin niggers,
and who will protect on ther farms and in ther houses the ojus
Northerners who hev settled in our midst. We shel see the
glorious Southern system decline stidily and shoorly. The
whipping posts will rot and the stox will decay; the yelp uv
dorgs will no more be heard, and the cheerful crack uv the
pistol and the shreek uv the man wat has got his gruel will no
more be heerd in the land. Bascom, after he hez the few
farms still unmortgaged in the visinity, will close, and go to
Looisville and embark into the wholesale grosery trade and jine
the church, and give librerly to Sunday skools; his grosery
will fall into dekay, and the sine will hang by one hinge. We
shell see churches and skool houses, factrys and villages everywhere.
The Pogram place uv 2,000 akers will be divided up
into twenty farms, and onto them will be the bustlin Noo
Yorker, the cool, calculating Yankee, the stiddy, hard-workin
German, who will display his grovelin nacher by working
himself instid uv forcin niggers to do it for him. We shel be
run over with skool-marms, deluged with acadamies, plastered
over with noosepapers, stunned with machinery, drove crazy
by the whirr, crash, and clash of mowin machines and reapers.
And there will be cheese made at the Corners. Pennibacker's
distillery will be turned into a cheese factry, and weak whey
will run wher now the generous high wines flash along the
troughs. Ther will be no rectifyin at the Corners; the hog
pens will be abolished, and in ther sted will be skool houses.
And methinks I see in my mind's eye, Horasho, the speerit, the
ghost uv the departed Pogram (for he won't survive it long),
a hoverin over the scene, ez Hamlick's father did. The blessed
shade will look in vain for his house — on the spot wher it
stood will be an academy. He will turn to Bascom's, but ther
he will find a deestrict skule.
“To Pennibacker's!” he will gasp, in a speerit whisper, and
-- 551 -- p635-600
[figure description] Page 551.[end figure description]
with a speritooal smack uv his speritooal lips he will hover
over it, but the smell uv cheese in the place uv the strengthenin
odors in wich he delites, will send a speritooal shudder thro
him. A ghost uv a tear will run down his speritooal nose,
linger for a minit at the tip, like a dew drop on the rose, and
fall!
Then will the dissatisfied ghost demand to be taken back to
purgatory, a place less tyrin to his nerves.
All is up with me and us. I shel stay in Kentucky for the
present, tho wat may become uv me the Lord only knows.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXX. MR. NASBY GOES TO NEW YORK AND ESTABLISHES HIMSELF IN BUSINESS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
December 31, 1868.
The undersigned hez made a great leap. He located in
Noo York in pursooance uv an ijee wich he hez cherished long.
His career in Noo York wuz brilliant ef it was short. It lastid
twenty-four consecutive hours, that being the average length
uv time a honist man kin exist in that city. One of the classic
poits speeks uv the awkardnis uv bein in hell without claws;
hed he substitooted Noo York for hell he wood hev hit it
closer.
The citizens uv the Corners held a consultation ez to wat
wuz to be done with me when A. Johnson shood shuffle orf
the mortal coil uv offishal life. I broacht to em my ijee uv
goin to Noo York, to wich they acceeded with an alacrity wich
wuz not so complementary ez it mite hev bin. I thot I detectid
in ther eagernis to pervide for me, at a distance, more
uv a desire to get rid uv me than a solissitood for my
-- 552 -- p635-601
[figure description] Page 552.[end figure description]
wellbein. Indeed, when Deekin Pogram askt “Wher shel we fix
him?” Bascom onfeelingly remarkt, “Anywher — anywher!”
But sich is life. Republics hev alluz bin ungrateful. Homer
begged his bread, and A. Johnson wuzn't nominated for the
Presidency by the Dimocricy.
When I statid that I desired to go to Noo York, and that all
that prevented it wuz capital enuff to start a grosery, Bascom
to-wunst remarkt that that shoodn't stand in the way.
“I mite ez well give you two barrils to-wunst,” sed he, “and
be done with it, ez to hev yoo prolong it, a drink at a time, for
six months. Indeed it wood be more economical, ez it wood
save me the labor uv drawin it. I give two barrils uv whisky
to git rid uv — that is, to establish — our friend in a new field
uv labor.”
McPelter and Pennibacker contributid money enuff to pay
the freight onto the likker, and to provide the necessary fixters
for a bar, and that nite I left the Corners, hopin never to be
compelled to return. But feelin the truth uv the proverb that
there's many a slip betwixt the cup and lip, I didn't resine
the Post Offis, but lockt it, leavin directions with the boy
who carries the mail to leave Deekin Pogram's paper at his
house.
On my way to Noo York I indulged in the most pleasin
dreams. I fancied myself behind my own bar; gittin my
own likker at wholesale; uv hevin a back room into wich
caucuses shood be held; hevin a suffishent run uv biznis, and
the consekent control uv enuff votes to be on speakin terms
with Governor Huffman and Mayor Hall; uv bein nominatid
for Alderman; uv havin contrax; uv buildin a house on Fifth
Avenoo, and bein a ginooine Noo York aristocrat; uv havin
my carriage, with the coat uv arms uv the Nasby family onto
the panels; uv goin to Congris, in the place uv Morrisy, and
so on. It wuz a lovely dream, but I wuz destined to a sad
awakenin.
I rentid a grosery store in a convenient corner uv 6th Ward,
and put over it, in bold letters, the legend, “Michael O'Nasby,”
with the harp wich wunst thro Tara's halls, its sole uv moosic
shed, paintid conspicyous; and bein a troo Amerikin, I hed the
green flag uv ould Ireland paintid rite above the Stars and
Stripes.
-- --
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-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 553 --
[figure description] Page 553.[end figure description]
In two days I wuz ready for biznis. My establishment reely
looked well. I hed my two barrils conveniently mounted; I
hed thirty glasses in a pan; and a plate uv crackers back uv
em, to show, merely, ez no one yooses them in the 6th Ward.
In the mean time I hed made many pleasant acquaintances.
Two Aldermen and four or five gentlemen connected with the
city government hed lookt in, and interdoosed theirselves, and
exprest theirselves pleased at my comin. Bein a stranger in
the city, they gave some valuable advise.
“The first thing to do,” sed one uv em, “is to make acquaintances.
I wood suggest that you hev a formal openin.
We will, ef the idea strikes yoo, take the trouble to invite a
few friends in, say to-nite, to save you the trouble, that you
may establish yourself. Is it a go?”
Overjoyed, I remarked, “Certainly.” Fatal remark! That
remark, short ez it wuz, wuz my undooin. My friends come,
and with em their friends, to the number uv perhaps thirty. I
rejoist when I saw em. There wuzent a whole pair uv pants
in the party, and a more gorgeous assortment uv noses eyes
never rested onto. Every man uv em wuz a staunch Dimokrat,
and ez they looked at them freshly tapped barrels, they
swore eternal love for me.
Uv course I invited them to take a drink, wich invitashen
wuz responded to with alacrity.
My friends, the Aldermen, immejitly insisted that the party
drink with them. Joyfully I sot out the tumblers, the Aldermen
drinkin out uv tin cups, with the remark that they wuzn't
proud. The cup held more'n three tumblers. Immejitly one
uv the gentlemen who wuz connected with the city government
remarkt, “Set em up!” wich I did, they insistin that I
drink with em every time. Then one uv the friends insistid
that it wuz his time; then another, and another, and another.
By this time I wuz off my balence. Bascom hed not watered
the whiskey, supposin I knew enuff about keepin bar to do it,
and I hed not done it, sposin that he had done it. In my frenzy
I invited all uv em to take suthin, and then the rest seemes to
me like a horrid dream. I remembered frantically insistin on
everybody drinkin with me; I remember the crowd kept
growin bigger and bigger; the Aldermen and two uv the
-- 554 --
[figure description] Page 554.[end figure description]
gentlemen connected with the city government vaulted behind
the bar, and actid ez dispensers, I hevin rolled conveniently
under the bar, and then conshusnis left me.
I awoke in the mornin — I alluz do — but wat an awakenin!
The doors wuz open; there wuz not a drop of likker in the
house; the friends, the Aldermen, and the gentlemen connectid
with the city government, hed stolen the tumblers, the barrils,
and all the moveables in the institooshen; it wuz ez bare ez
the Treasury wuz after Bookannan retired from offis! They
hed even stolen the sign over the door and the stove out uv
the room, my boots, hat, and coat.
Ez a matter of course I coodn't start agin. I not only had
no whiskey, but I hed nothin to pour it out into. I wuz bustid.
My openin wuz altogether too gorgeous. It wood hev ansered
hed I possessed the capital to start agin, but that I lacked.
Agin I wuz floored for want uv means. Agin my impecuniosity
prevented me from makin a rise in the world. How long,
oh, how long, shel I be thus hampered!
I shel never divulge how I got back to the Corners. I shel
never wring the public buzzum with a narrashen uv the trials
and troubles uv that long walk! I shel never recount how I
wuz ignominously tumbled off uv cars; how I hed to gobble
at free lunches, et setry. Suffise it to say I got home at
last.
But I shel not stay here. My failyoor in Noo York shel not
deter me. I shel go back there. With sich a constittooency
at one's back, and so much wealth to tax, it must be a good
field for me. I shel try it agin.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 555 -- p635-606
CLXXI. MR. NASBY AND HIS FRIENDS CONSIDER THE QUESTION OF BREAD AND BUTTER.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 13, 1869.
[figure description] Page 555.[end figure description]
The question “Wat kin I do with myself?” is not solved.
My return from Noo York so ignomiously, on foot, wuz a serious
disappointment to my friends at the Corners. They felt
when I left em that they had me fixed for life, and their sorrer
at my ontimely return wuz genuine. Bascom, ez soon ez he
saw me enter his bar, weary and foot-sore, remarked, with a
profane ejaculashen, that I'd be his rooin yet.
I am a man uv ackshun. To-wunst I called a meetin uv my
friends to consider the situashen, and to arrange for another
vencher. I remarkt to em that I had not lost faith in Noo
York; that I wuz certin that that wuz my field. I proposed
that another outfit shood be furnished me, the same ez before,
and that I shood hev one more trial. But they unanimously
declined, feelin that I hedn't suffishent control uv my own
appetite for a grocery keeper, and that investments in that
direcshun wood be a waste uv capital which the Corners cood
not afford.
Various methods uv makin a livin were sejested, but none
met my approval. One wood sejest this thing in San Francisco;
another in Alaska; and each one wood swear that every
one wuz the very thing. Their readiness to agree, and the
numerousnis uv the miles the places wuz away, satisfied me that
distance was the main pint with em.
That misable wretch, Joe Bigler, happened in at a moment
when they wuz a discussin the feasibility uv a conductership
on a street railroad in Noo Orleans, — ez tho the directers uv
the companies hadn't all got dissipated nephews to fill sich
responsible places, — when he remarkt that the obtoosenis uv
humanity wuz one uv the wonders uv the nineteenth century.
“Make uv him,” sed Josef, “a Dimokratic organ grinder,
saw off his rite leg, dress him in bloo, git him an instrooment
-- 556 --
[figure description] Page 556.[end figure description]
wich will play `Dixie,' the `Bonnie Bloo Flag,' and sich toons,
and plant him on the side walks uv Louisville, Noo York, or
any other Dimekratic city, and his forchoon is made.”
“But why dress me in bloo? Why not in gray, ef I play
Confedrit toons?”
“Innocense! Didn't the Dimocrisy always wear bloo while
they wuz whistlin Confedrit toons? Even in the North they
don't object to a bloo coat, so that they know that there's a
Confedrit heart under it?”
“But,” replied I, “I wuzn't a soljer; wich is, only ez a
draftid man, and then only for a short time.”
“That don't matter,” remarkt Josef; “no more wuz the heft
uv Dimocrisy. The bulk uv em wich served, did so as draftid
men. But that circumstance is in yoor favor. The regler organ
grinders, them wich wuz volunteers, put onto a placard wich
hangs onto their instrooment words to this effect: —
“`Enlisted July 10, 1862 — shot thro the leg at Anteetam.'
“Yoo kin put onto yourn this proud inscripshen: —
“`Draftid September 6, 1863 — desertid September 30, 1863;
lost rite leg in an encounter with Provost Marshels, October
10, 1863.'
“Sich an inscripshen wood melt the heart uv every Dimokratic
passer-by, and they'd fill your cigar-box with coppers.
Wich uv em cood resist such an appeal? Think uv wat a
harvest yoo'd reap in Louisville when Breckinridge comes
home, and in Frankfort when he is inoggeratid Governor of
Kentucky! It's the dodge for yoo, Parson.”
I thot the matter over for a minnit, and it pleased me. The
life uv an organ grinder is by no means to be despised. It's a
dreamy, poetical, contemplative sort uv eggistence. Ez ther
ain't no manyool labor in it beyond the mere turnin uv a crank,
I am satisfied that it wood soot me. Then one sees so much
uv life. Constantly before yoo is a ever changin panorama; yoo
see humanity in all its phases; and when nite comes how
sweet the rest, how inspirin the likker, wich yoo hev honestly
earned by yoor manly exertions!
“Is it neccessary that I shel hev a leg ampitatid?” askt I.
“Certainly!” replied Josef.
-- 557 --
[figure description] Page 557.[end figure description]
“Then I decline!” sed I. “Aside from the pain, I hev
regard for them legs. They saved my life in all the skirmishes
I wuz in doorin my breef term uv servis ez a drafted man in
'63. I will not part with one uv em.”
“This is triflen with your friends, sir!” ejaculatid Bascom.
“Yoo hev the way opened for a honist livin, and yoo refoose to
walk ye into it. This cannot be permitted.”
“It cannot be permitted!” ekkoed McPelter, Pennibacker,
and the rest uv em.
“Joseph, hev yoo suffishent skill to ampetate a limb?” askt
Bascom.
“I hev,” replied Joseph, “ef yoo will furnish me a carvin
knife and handsaw. I've seen it done in Confedrit hospitals.
Troo, the victims didn't most alluz survive. Ef yoo do stand it,
Parson, think uv the glorious life organ-grindin is; ef yoo die
under it, console yourself by thinkin how much organ-grindin
yoo've escaped! Bring the knife and saw, and somebody twist
a handkercher about his leg.”
And forthwith they ceazed me, throwd me onto the bar, and
tied me there, and brot a dull knife and handsaw, and that
cuss wood hev hackt into my leg hed it not bin for Deekin
Pogram.
“Joseph Bigler!” sed this more than saint, “trooly tell us
the chances uv his survivin this operashen?”
“About one in a thousand, I shood say; and that's why I am
so anxious to commence!” promptly replied Joseph, sharpnin
the knife vishusly onto the sole uv his boot.
“Then let him up!” ejaculated the Deekin hastily; “let him
up. He owes me thirty-seven dollars, with interest, sence the
second day of his arrival in this place, wich he borrered. Ef
he dies its gone; ef he lives he may strike suthin that'll
enable him to pay it.”
“Slash away, Bigler!” remarkt Bascom, vishusly; “he owes
me seven hundred dollars for drinks sence he's bin here, and
ef he lives he'll double it in a year.”
There wuz an animatid discussion, ez to whether he shood
go on or stay his eager hand. Fortunately I owed every one
uv the bystanders, and wat wuz more fortunate, the most uv
em wuz better fixed than Bascom. The heft uv my indebted
-- 558 -- p635-609
[figure description] Page 558.[end figure description]
ness to the others wuz for borrered money, clothin, and sich
things wich a man kin git along without. Bascom knows that
ez long ez I live I must hev his goods, money or no money;
and hence his desire to see me either git lucrative employment
or die.
But the majority wuz agin him; he yeelded, and I wuz
saved. Thank Heaven for debt. Hed I bin less hefty on the
borrer, I wood now be a cold corpse.
I must git out uv this ez soon ez possible.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXXII. MR. NASBY FINDS A NEW BUSINESS WHICH PROMISES AMPLE PROFITS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads, }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 20, 1869.
*I hev it at last! I see a lite! A grate lite! a brite lite! I
shall not go to Noo York, nor shall I be forced to leave the Corners,
at least permanently. I hev at last struck ile! I shel live
like a gentleman; I shel pay for my likker, and be on an ekal
footin with other men. Bascom, whose smile is happiness, but
whose frown is death, will smile onto me wunst more.
To Miss Soosan Murphy I owe my present happiness. The
minnit I notist that she hed put in a claim agin the Government
for property yoosed doorin the war by Fedral soljery, I
to-wunst saw where my finanshel salvashen wuz. Immejitly I
histed my shingle ez a agent to prossekoot claims agin the
Government for property destroyed or yoosed doorin the late
onpleasantnis, by Fedral troops. That shingle hedn't bin out
-- 559 --
[figure description] Page 559.[end figure description]
an hour before Joe Bigler hed red it to half the citizens uv
the Corners, and in two hours I hed biznis on my hands, and
money in my pockets. Ez a matter uv course, I insisted upon
a retainin fee uv ten dollars in each case.
Issaker Gavitt and his two younger brothers wuz the first
clients I hed. Their case is one uv pekoolyer hardship, and I
feel ashoored that Congris will to-wunst afford em the releef
they ask. The property destroyed wuz a barn and its contents,
wich wuz destroyed by Buel in the second yeer uv the war;
that is, the contents wood hev bin destroyed only they wuzn't
in the barn, ez they hed bin sold jist previously to the Confedracy.
But ez the Elder, peace to his ashes, took Confedrit
munny for sed contents, wich munny he, in a moment uv enthoosiasm,
invested in Confedrit bonds, wich finally got to be
worth nothin, we put in a claim for the valyoo uv the contents
ez well ez uv the barn. Bein 70 years uv age when the war
broke out, he did not volunteer in the Confedrit service, and
consequently never fired a shot at the Old Flag. His two
youngest sons did, it is troo, but the Elder can't be held
responsible for them boys. The estate is entitled to damage
jist the same ez tho the Elder wuz alive.
Elder Pennibacker hez also claims to a considerable amount,
wich is for fences, crops, barns, and sich, destroyed by Fedral
armies. The Elder is not quite certain but that the fences wuz
destroyed by order uv a Confedrit General, wich wuz retreetin,
and it is possible that the crops, barns, and sich, wuz yoosed
up at the same time. It wuz doorin the war, at any rate, and
ez the Fedral Government wuz, in his opinyun, to blame for the
war, wich never wood hev bin carried on hed it yeelded ez it
ought to hev done, why the Fedral Government ought to pay
all these losses. Uv course I shan't put all the Elder's talk
into the petishen.
Miss Jane McGrath's case, wich is the one I shel push the
hardest, is one wich, ef Congris does not consider favorably, it
will show that Congris hez no bowels. Miss McGrath is a
woman. Uv course doorin the war she wuz loyal, ez she
understood loyalty. She beleeved in her State. She hed two
brothers wich went into the Confedrit servis, and she gave em
both horses. But wood any sister let her brother go afoot?
-- 560 --
[figure description] Page 560.[end figure description]
Them horses must be set down to the credit uv her sisterly
affeckshun. It will be showed, I make no doubt, that when
her oldest brother's regiment (he wuz a Colonel) left for the
seat uv war, that Miss McGrath presented to it a soot uv colors
wich she made with her own hands, wich soot included a black
flag with skull and cross-bones onto it. Sposin she did? It
wuz loyalty to wat she considered her State. And the fact
that doorin the war she rode twelve miles to inform a Confedrit
officer that four Fedral soljers wich hed escaped from Andersonville
wuz hid in her barn, shood not operate agin her. Onto
her piano ther wuz a choice collection uv Southern songs, and
ther is a rumor, that in Louisville wunst she did spit in the
face uv a Fedral offiser; but wat uv that? Is a great Government
goin to inquire closely into sich trifles? Miss McGrath
give me the names uv three Fedral Generals who campt on her
place doorin the last year uv the war, wich wood certify to her
loyalty, wich, ef they didn't, wood show that there wuzn't any
gratitood in humanity.
Deekin Pogram hez uv course a claim. The Deekin's horses
wuz all taken by a Fedral offiser, wich wuz the more agravatin,
ez the Deekin hed, in addishen to his own, jist bought 25, wich
he wuz to hev delivered to General Morgan, uv the Confedracy,
the next day, who wuz to hev paid for em in gold. They were
gobbled. For these horses the Deekin claims payment. He
wuz, doorin the war, strictly nootral. Kentucky did not secede,
neither did the Deekin. His boys went into the Confedrit
service, and on several occasions he mite hev cleaned his
trusty rifle and gone out at nite to git a crack at Fedral
pickets. Habit is strong, and ez ther were no schoolmasters
to shoot, the Deekin must shoot somethin. He considered the
war a great misforchoon, and many a time hez the old patriark,
with teers streemin down his cheeks, exclaimed, “Why won't
Linkin withdraw his troops and let us alone?” He hez bin
since the close uv the struggle a hankerin arter Peece. “Let
us hev Peece!” is his cry. “Give me back my niggers; let
me hev things ez they wunce wuz, and I shel be soothed into
quietood.” He voted for Micklellan in 1864, and for Seymour
in 1868, but that uv course won't count agin him in the matter
uv the claim. The minnit he decided to put in the claim he
-- 561 -- p635-612
[figure description] Page 561.[end figure description]
withdrew from the Ku-Klux, uv wich associashun he hez bin
chief for this seckshun. He's sorry now that he shot any
niggers since the close of the war. He is an inoffensive old
man, whose pathway to the tomb needs soothin. The horses
he lost he counts worth $10,000, and he uv course wants
remuneration to the amount uv $10,000 more for the anguish
he suffered seein uv em go.
Almost every white citizen uv the Corners hez a claim, uv
wich I shel hev the prosekootin; that is them wich kin raise
the retainin fee. Some hundred or more who never hed anything
before or doorin the war, and who are in the same condishen
now, hev put in claims for sums rangin from $10,000 to
$20,000, offerin me the half I git. I may take em. They kin
swear to each other's loyalty, wich will redoose the cost uv
evidence to a mere nominal sum.
I shel hie me to Washington and get Mrs. Cobb to take hold
with me, giving her a share. Ef she succeeds with Congris ez
well ez she did with the President, the result will be all that I
kin desire.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
eaf635n87* A Miss Susan Murphy filed a claim against the Government, in 1869, for
property destroyed by the Federal armies. Had it been allowed, every rebel
in the South would have followed her example promptly.
CLXXIII. THE LAST OUTRAGE UPON KENTUCKY. — PASSAGE OF THE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT BY THE HOUSE.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky,
February 7, 1869.
The die is mostly cast — gloom hez settled like a dark pall
onto Kentucky. The last vestige uv Constitooshnel liberty is
swept away, leavin us nothin but the name thereof, wich is
holler mockery. Ef the Senit goes on and concurs with the
House, — wich it will do, — and the rekisit number of States
ratify the ackshen of them two accussid bodies, — wich they
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will do, — why, then all is over. Niggers will vote in Kentucky
the same ez white men, and the star uv liberty is sot
forever! They may go so far, ez they will be in a majority,
ez to disfranchise the brave men who served in the Confedrit
army.
Ez might hev bin expectid, the intelligence affectid the Corners
profoundly. We wuz all a settin in at Bascom's ez happy
ez we cood be. A new barrel hed bin tapped. Deekin Pogram
had money, and I wuz not altogether unprovided, ez a
letter hed bin dropped into the Post Offis that mornin wich
contained a remittance uv six dollars to a lottery concern in
Noo York. Ez I beleeve lotteries to be swindles, and demoralizin
in their nacher, I opened the missive and confiscatid the
contents. I will never be the means uv leadin young men to
rooin thro the agency of lottries — never.
It wuz a pleasant scene. The fire wuz a burnin brightly,
wich reflectin on our respective noses, gave the room a more
than usual briteness; Bascom wuz behint the bar, his elbows
leanin onto it, waitin for the orders wich he knew wood be
made; Captain McPelter wuz a smokin his pipe, peacefly, a
watchin the clouds that ariz, formin a sort uv halo about his
head; while Deekin Pogram and myself wuz just in the act uv
takin suthin hot wich hed bin fixed for us. At this moment
Pennibacker's boy rode up on Bascom's mule and hove a paper
at me wich contained the fatal intelligence. I read it aloud.
There wuz no more innocent mirth that nite. Deekin Pogram's
hand relaxed its holt onto the glass and it fell to the floor, the
precious flooid wastin itself thro the cracks, and the old Saint
fell from his chair in a swoon. I hed more presence uv mind—
I drank mine with one convulsive gulp, and then dropped
the empty glass. The effect, so far ez manifestin greef
wuz concerned, wuz the same ez tho I hed dropped it, likker
and all, and it wuz better for me. The glass wuz Bascom's —
the sensashen in my bowels perdoosed by the likker wuz
mine. That, even constitooshnel amendments can't take away
from me.
It didn't take long to figger how this outrage, ef it is consummatid,
will effect the Corners. Ther is in this peeceful
township sixty-three loyal white voters, uv wich number
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thirty-nine vindicated their manhood in the Confedrit servis, the
others bein too old, ceptin Pollock, wich is from Illinoy, and uv
Ablishen proclivities. Garrettstown is in this township, and
countin them in, ther is two hundred and forty-four adult
male niggers, and ther wood hev bin a hundred more hed niggers
all bin born bullet and rope proof. So long ez these niggers
wuz in their normal condishen uv servitood they wuz
indispensable sence they wuz crooelly wrested from us, we
hev made em a most ez yooseful to us by hevin the law into
our own hands. They hev, ez a rool, accumulated suthin, for
they labor. We uv course held the offises. Issaker Gavitt is
Assessor, and Deekin Pogram Treasurer, and the niggers hev
bin made to pay all the taxes that hev bin paid. They coodent
help theirselves, for the law hez terrors when weeldid by
strong and willin hands, and the hands uv our offishels are both
strong and willin.
But for these niggers the township government wood be a
mere nothin. Issaker didn't dare to assess Bascom for fear
he'd stop supplies onto him, nor wood Bascom hev any uv the
white citizens taxed, for watever they shood pay in taxes, that
went either into the County or State Treasury, wuz so much
lost to him. He wuz anxious to hev the niggers sweat, for uv
the money collectid uv them he got a large per cent., either
through the Collector or Treasurer, wich wuz clear gain, ez
they don't patronize him anyhow.
In various other ways we hed em. Pennibacker is Justis
uv the Peece, and hez bin for yeers, and he held the scales
firmly. The niggers wood occasionally labor in plantin time or
in harvest for the white citizens who owned land, and, filled
with the idea that they wuz free citizens, they wood, in the
most insolent manner, demand pay for their services. Uv
course they wood be refoosed, whereupon they wood bring
soot before Pennibacker. The result uv their venchur it is
onnecessary for me to state.
“What biznis hez a nigger in this yer court?” wood the indignant
embodiment uv the majesty uv the law thunder forth,
with a face as black as a cloud. And dismissin the soot, he
wood promptly ishoo an execooshen agin em for costs. Ten or
twenty niggers who sood white men wuz sold out, bob and
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sinker, by the court for costs in sich soots, and when the costs
didn't take all they hed, the Justis wood fine em for contempt
uv court for comin before him at all. The niggers, after a few
experiments, declined to seek justis at that fountain-head uv
the article.
Then agin in case uv assault and battery, and inquests on the
ded bodies uv niggers, it wuz nessary to hev Pennibacker
Justis. Niggers wich wuz found ded hanging on a tree, and
with bullet holes into em, wuz reglerly found guilty uv dyin
by visitation uv Providence. Ez they hedn't votes, uv course
none uv the offishels wuz afraid uv em. I heard one uv em,
wunst, who hed bin fined twenty dollars for striking Issaker
Gavitt, wich hed in a playful mood chased his daughter thro
the Corners, groaninly exclaim that he wisht he'd bin born in
Ireland instid uv Ameriky.
But now how will it be with us? They will vote, and they
hev a majority. Pollock will be made Justis uv the Peace, Joe
Bigler Assessor, and a nigger constable. Wat sekoority hev
we? Niggers will soo us and git judgment, and the nigger
constable will serve execooshens onto us. Why, Deekin Pogram
owes enuff to niggers to swamp every aker he holds,
and Bascom wood sweat severely. And when we punch one
uv their heads for insolence to us, then to be arrestid by a nigger,
and taken afore a Justis elected by niggers, and be fined
or perchance imprisoned! It's too much. When this happens,
will the Corners, I ask, be a place for gentlemen uv pride and
culcher? Nay. And to this it must come.
I see one weak spot in the amendment, viz.: It provides
that no State shel disfranchise anybody becoz of race or color,
but don't say that people can't be disfranchised for other causes,
and I eagerly seezed hold uv that ez a shipwreckt mariner
does to a plank.
“Wat good will that do us?” groaned the Deekin.
“Why, we kin disfranchise em on the skore of ignorance!”
remarked I; “the niggers can't all read?”
“No more kin I,” replied Isaaker Gavitt, mournfully. “I'd
be cut out with em.”
And upon givin the matter matoor reflection, I saw that ther
wuz no bottom to that hope. By makin readin a test, the
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[figure description] Page 565.[end figure description]
sooperior class at the Corners wood be more hurt than the inferior
class.
Thank Heaven, ten States kin block this game, and save us
this torment. O, that they may do it! O, that that bitter
draft may be spared us! May the Dimocrisy uv the North
put forth their strength, and save us this last degradation.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich means Postmaster).
CLXXIV. THE LAST CABINET MEETING. — THE END OF THE JOHNSON REIGN.
Washington, D. C., March 5, 1869.
The agony is over! A. Johnson, spurned by an ungrateful
people, wich didn't deserve so sweet a boon, is wunst more a
privit citizen, and uv no more account than I am — not ez
much, for I am still a Postmaster.
Ez I wuz in at the birth uv the Johnson party, so it wuz my
painful dooty to be in at the death. I wuz present at the first
and the last uv its Cabinet meetins. The first wuz an eggsileratin
scene; the last the most mournful I ever witnist. At
the first we startid out with high hopes; fresh in our offisis,
with a Treasury to draw on wich seemed to us to hev no bottom,
and with sich men ez Raymond, Weed, et al., to give us
character, and the voices uv the thousands uv patriots, wich
wantid offis, biddin us God-speed; at the last there wuz left
only those who hed become so fixed that they couldn't get
away, and every one uv em conshus that the next day at 12 M.
they wuz forever lost. The harlot commencin her career with
youth, beauty, strength, and store clothes, is one thing; the
same bein holler-eyed, sunken-cheeked, dirty, and drabbled,
turned out to die on a dunghill, ain't so pleasant to look at.
The meetin wuz held in the same old room, in wich I hev
seen more weepin than ever fell to the lot uv one man. (The
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[figure description] Page 566.[end figure description]
administrashun uv A. Johnson will be known in histry ez the
moist Administration.) It wuz in this room that we decided
to veto the Freedman's Buro and Civil Rites Bill, and all the
other acts uv the 39th and 40th Congress; it wuz in this room
that we received the news uv the eleckshens uv 1866, '67, and
'68; it wuz in this room that the Philadelphia Convenshen wuz
determined upon, and the tetchin march uv Couch and Orr,
arm in arm, up the aisle wuz arranged, the President writin at
the same time his little speech, in wich he mentioned the fact
that ez he read the account thereof he couldn't restrain his
emoshun, but bustid into a flood uv teers; it wuz in this room
that the spontaneous triboots uv respeck toward His Eggslency
at various times and places wuz arranged, and the details
thereof fixed up; in short, it wuz in this room that all the acts
wich gild the memry uv the late administrashen wuz decided
upon and evenchually wept over.
Ez I entered it, for the last time probably, I bust into
teers on the threshold, and jined the other weepers who hed
bin distilin briny grief for some hours. Indeed, so long hed
they bin weepin that one friend uv the President, who hed a
Kentucky countenance, howled piteously for some liquid to
replace that wich he hed lost. A bottle wuz handed him, and
he wept no more. I tried it to strengthen me agin the waste
that I knowd must ensoo. Ingratitood is not my failure. Till
A. Johnson gits back to Tennessee my eyes shall not be dry.
The President wuz terribly calm and composed.
“Weep! my friends!” sed he, “weep. I can't blame you,
for you are about to be deprived of me! But in this tryin
hour I will be calm. I hev swung around the entire circle uv
offishel honor. I hev bin —”
At this pint his voice trembled and his eyes wuz suffoosed.
“But, no! I will be myself. Sekretary Seward, is there any
more acts uv an unconstitutional Congress to veto?”
“No — pockitin uv em ansers the purpose.”
“Is there anybody to pardon?”
“No one — but stay. Now that I think uv it, two counterfeiters,
one whisky speculator, a Confedrit officer or two, and
wat's left uv the assassination party, still linger in Basteels or
in exile.”
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[figure description] Page 567.[end figure description]
“I must finish my work. Hand me them blank pardons!”
He wrote with a firm hand, a fillin uv em out, wich only took
a second, ez he hez blanks printed for all the various offences
man kin be guilty uv.
“Now then my dooties is accomplished, and I cheerfly resine
the power wich I wood hev laid down long ago but for the sake
uv my bleedin country. I wood hev saved my native land —
Enough. Admit our friends.”
Mayor Munro, uv Noo Orleans, Mrs. Cobb, a score or more
uv Confedrit officers, and a flood uv unforchenet men who hed
bin accoosed uv tamperin with an unconstooshnel currency,
and a hundred, more or less, uv Federal offis-holders, filed in
and shook the President corjelly by the hand, dropin a silent,
elokent teer ez they passed. There wuz, in addishen to these,
several hundred poor wretches who hed bin layin about Washington
for months waitin for posishens, but who hedn't got em.
They hed no money to get home with, and they insisted that
the President must and shood furnish em means. One uv em
demanded uv Randall $500, but that great man finally got
rid uv him by loanin him a clean shirt and a box uv paper
collars.
The man wuz deprest, though still hopeful.
“This,” sed he, wavin the shirt in air, “this is all I hev
to start on agin; when I embarkt into Johnsonism my friends
fell off. In remorse I took to likker, and step by step went
down till I became the loathsome objick yoo behold. But I
shel now reform, and try to be somebody. Disguised in this
shirt I may inspire confidence and find a helpin hand. But
don't none uv yoo speek to me on the street.”
Ez I saw him the next evenin, in a state uv hilarity, hangin
to a lamp-post, repeatin porshens uv the late President's farewell
address to passers by without any clean shirt on, I judged
remorse hed ovoercome him again, and that the clean shirt hed
bin pawned, poor fellow!
Then come the most saddest scene uv all. The President
hed to bid adoo to his Cabinet.
“My tried and trustid friends,” he commenced, when Randall
broke in with the onfeelin remark, that he'd better say “trustid
friends” without the “tried.”
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[figure description] Page 568.[end figure description]
“My liege, `your tried friends' wuz in the gang uv counterfeiters
which jist left the presence. They wuz not only tried,
but convicted.”
Sekretary Seward wuz vizably effected. That afternoon he
had heerd uv an Island for sale, the principal volcano on wich
hed mostly stopped gushin, and he wept to think he hedn't
time to complete negociashens for it. It wuz offered for
$20,000,000, and he considered the price a mere bagatelle.
Sekretary Welles wuz the only cheerful one in the party.
He hed no idea that he wuz to stop bein Sekretary uv the
Navy; he expectid to go along ez tho nothin hed happened.
Seward and Randall hed bin tryin for an hour to make him
comprehend the sitooashen — that ther wuz to be a change —
but to no purpose. He coodent get it thro him. I undertook
to impress it onto his intelleck, but my efforts wuz futile.
Huggin to his buzzum a model uv a Erie canal boat wich he
had determined to re-model into a revenoo cutter, he kept on
sayin, “Why — why shood I go out? I wuz under Linkin
and then Johnson. There ain't no more difference between
Linkin and Johnson than there is between Johnson and Grant—
is there? I agreed with Linkin and with Johnson, and I
shel agree with Grant, doubtless. Why shood I differ with
Grant?”
Randall smiled a sardonicle smile at the aged infant, and
remarkin that he (Randall) hed hed a good time uv it anyhow,
the recolleckshen whereof the d—d Abolishnists coodent rob
him uv, shook hands with A. J., addin that he didn't bear him
any ill will.
“I'm a rooined man,” continyood Randall, “but I'm ez much
to blame ez yoo are. I shel go into histry coupled with yoo.
My bloomin boys, when they arrive at man's estate, will apply to
the Legislachers uv their respective States to hev their names
changed to suthin else. I'm young, and can't die in a few yeers,
ez Welles kin, and must therefore drag out a longer eggsistance,
but I don't blame yoo. I went into it, takin the chances, and I
stand the hazzard uv the die. I shel serve the ambishus youth
uv this country ez an Awful Eggsample.”
But little remained to be done. Randall and Johnson arranged
to hev Welles absent from Washington for the week
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[figure description] Page 569.[end figure description]
followin the inaugurashen, knowin that otherwise he'd hev to
be carried out uv the Department by force. They appintid a
committee uv Connecticut men to keep him busy till after his
successor wuz installed, and shakin hands all around, each
sheddin a manly tear, the last Cabinet meeting uv A. Johnson's
administration passed into histry.
Uv the inauguration uv Grant the next day, I hev not the
heart to write. Suffice it to say that niggers participatid in it.
Niggers wuz on the sidewalks, not ez in the olden time, humble
and meek, but in chairs, waitin to see the procession pass,
amoosin theirselves the while readin noospapers.
Deekin Pogram, who wuz with me, called my attenshen to
this, askin ef it wuz possible for a Kentuckian whose eyes
beheld sich a site to hev any further faith in republikin instooshens?
The old saint shuddered visibly ez a nigger in a
dress coat, plug hat, and shiny boots passed us, nearly knockin
us into the gutter in their haste, his wife onto his arm, dressed
in the heighth uv fashion, with a panyer. He smiled feebly
and in a bewildered way, but sed nothin. The site uv a nigger
regiment marchin in the perceshun finished the Deekin. He
grew so faint that I hed to take him to his lodgins. He left
the same evenin for the Corners.
The members uv the late Administrashen hev not decided
wat to do. Browning will probably go into a claim agency in
Noo York. Randall remarkt that ef Sammy Cox and Jack
Rogers cood succeed in Noo York, he thot he cood. Mrs. Cobb
will go to Noo York, and probably the pardon brokers, lobbyists,
and sich, will do likewise. A dozen or two Faro banks
packed up to-nite, and others will speedily follow em. In consekence
uv this breakin up in the Administrashen and its
supporters, the poleece force uv Washington hez bin already
lessened.
I shel accompany the late President to Tennessee, and take
my leave uv him then. He will want some faithful friends to
console him on that dreary passage, and who so fit for the offis
ez the undersined? I shel see him entombed in Greenville,
and then sadly turn my steps to Kentucky and await the ishoo
uv evence. I shel uv course be turned out uv offis, and wat
will follow I know not. A. J. may conclood to stump Tennessee
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[figure description] Page 570.[end figure description]
for the governorship, ez Brownlow hez the paralysis; if so, I
shel go to his rescue. I can't now go to Noo York, for that
city will be overrun. With Browning, Randall, and the thousands
who go out uv offis with them, in that city, wat chance
wood there be for me?
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster.)
P. S. — The press, wich is now subsidized, is animadvertin
upon ex-President Johnson for not appearin at the inaugurashen.
His Eggslency preferred to avoid the display. “Let
Grant start fair,” he nobly said; “I will not mortify him by
giving the throng wich hez flocked here to pay triboots uv
respeck for me an opportoonity to hurrah for me ez the percession
passes. I hev swung around the entire circle uv offishel
honor, and kin afford to be magnanimous. Let him hev the
entire credit uv wat enthoosiasm is manifested.” Cood anything
be more noble? P. V. N.
CLXXV. MR. NASBY WITNESSES A PROCESSION OF THE SONS OF ERIN.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 20, 1869.
I happened to be in Albany, wich is in the State uv Noo
York, on St. Patrick's Day, and wuz a gratified and pleased
observer uv the percession in honor uv the patron saint uv the
Green Isle. It wuz a gorgeous site, and one wich warmed my
heart. There wuz men in cockt hats on horseback, with green
sashes onto em; there wuz officers uv the various societies in
carriages, with green sashes onto em; there wuz the sturdy
sons uv Erin on foot, with green sashes onto em, all walkin or
ridin, serene in the knowledge uv the fact that, no matter
what cussed macheens mite be invented for diggin on
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[figure description] Page 571.[end figure description]
railroads, or carryin brick and mortar to the tops uv buildins, none
uv em sed macheens cood ever vote. Then the enthoosiasm
uv the Dimocratic offis-holders uv Albany exceeded anythin I
ever witnest. The Dimocratic members uv the Legislacher,
and the state and county offishils, wuz all in conspikuos posishens,
the high ones bowin urbanely, and the low ones cheerin
vociferously. I wuz at a winder uv the Delevan House, — at
wich, ez I hed no baggage, I hed taken the precaution to pay
in advance, for fear I mite, absent-mindedly, leave without
payin my board, wich I did at the suggestion uv the gentlemanly
and urbane clerk, — when I wuz roodly pusht aside
by an impetuous gentleman. Noticin that he wuz a small
man, I seized him, and demanded wat in blazes he meant by
pushin me. “My dear sir,” sed he, in agony, “please give me
yoor place — do give me yoor place! I am a candidate for
alderman next spring!” Pityin him, I yeelded, and in a minit
he wuz a wavin a green flag from the winder, and shoutin
“Rah!” with all the venom that wuz in him. Ez I lookt at
him and the other expectants, I cood not help thinkin wat a
happiness it must be to be an Irishman in Ameriky.
The next mornin I opened the paper, and read the account
uv the banquet the previous evenin. My respeck for the
Celtic race increased largely ez I read. I learned from the
speeches made at that banquet by invited Dimocratic guests
who wuz present, and the letters from distinguished Dimocrats
who hed been invitid but who wuz not present, that the
Irish not only diskivered Ameriky, but that they won the independence
uv the colonies, beat the British in 1812, carried
on the Mexikin war, and finally, alone and unaided, put down
the late onpleasantnis. One speeker, who expects to be Mayor
uv Albany, expresst it ez his beleef that the magnetic needle,
gunpowder, and the telegraff wuz the invenshun uv Irishmen.
The letters written by the leadin Dimocrats uv the State, to
be read at the banquet, tetched me. Governor Hoffman paid
a fittin triboot to St. Patrick, and remarkt that it wuz the first
time for years that he hed omitted to take some part in the
celebrashen uv St. Patrick's Day, and the thought cut him to
the quick. Champlain, the Attorney-General uv Noo York,
remarkt that ez Irishmen hed borne so honorable a part in
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[figure description] Page 572.[end figure description]
everything that hez tended to increase the moral, intellectooal,
and physikle strength uv the country, his sympathy twines
closter and closter around em, and that he consekently shuddered
at the prospeckt uv any obstruction being placed in the
way uv their bein made citizens ez fast ez possible.
The other letters from distinguisht Noo Yorkers wuz mostly
uv the same tenor.
Ez I wuz readin this, and thinkin to myself how the leadin Dimocrats
uv Noo York never forget that there's an eleckshen
ahead, I fell asleep, and in that sleep I hed a most curious vision.
Methawt I wuz set ahead twenty years. The fifteenth
amendment hed bin passed, and the niggers wuz all voters. I
wuz sittin by my winder in the Delevan House, when the
sound uv brass moosic broke the fearful stillnis that yoosually
pervades the streets uv that city. A percession hove in site,
and, to my horror, they wuz niggers! There wuz niggers in
cockt hats on horseback, niggers in carriages with banners,
and niggers on foot.
“Wat is this?” askt I, in indignashen.
“Why, it's a celebration uv the birthday uv St. Gumbo, the
patron saint uv Afriky!” remarkt a Dimocratic alderman, who
stood beside me. “Hurrah! Hurrah!” shreeked he, pushin
me asside, and bendin his head out uv the winder so ez to be
seen, wavin vociferously a black flag, wich I learned hed bin
adopted ez the nashnel color uv the Afrikins in Ameriky. The
enthoosiastic alderman wuz rewarded for his eggsertions with
a grashus smile from a pekoolerly disgustin black nigger with
a sash onto him, who wuz seeted in a baroosh.
“Rah! Rah!” shouted the Dimocrisy from all the winders ez
the percession filed by. Ez they wound their way up to the
Capitol, I notist the entire buildin wuz decorated with black
flags in honor uv the day, and to my disgust I wuz informed
that the state officers wuz all Dimocrats.
In my dream I picked up the Dimocratic papers the next
morning, and read an account uv the banquet that took place
that evening. I notist some familyer names appended to ruther
familyer-looking letters.
Hoffman, who hed got to be a Senator, addrest the Chairman
uv the Committee on Invitashens ez “Ceezer Squash, Esq.:
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[figure description] Page 573.[end figure description]
My deer sir”! and remarkt that it wuz the first time for yeers
that he'd not taken some part in the celebrashen uv “St. Gumbo's
Day,” but biznis preventid. He regrettid deeply that he
cood not be present and jine in the festivities. “Convey to
the noble sons of Afriky present,” he went on to say, “my
sense uv the honor conferred upon me, and my ashoorance that
ez my heart beats, it shel beat in yoonison with theirn. I recognize
the valyoo uv the Afrikin populashen to our common
country, and yeeld to no one in admirashen uv their noble
qualities. I am, sir, yoor most obedient servant.”
Smotherin my disgust at this performance, I read on.
Champlain, who wuz by this time Governor uv Noo York,
hevin receeved all the nigger votes, and wuz a candidate for
re-elekshun, remarkt in his letter that offishel biznis prevented
him from attendin. “It is most nateral,” he remarkt, “for
Amerikins to yoonite with Afrikins everywhere, and he felt it
the more ez he thought uv the honorable part the Afrikins hed
borne in all that hez tendid to increase the moral, intellectooal,
and physikle strength uv our growin country.”
The other letters and toasts were ez much like these ez two
peas. They all expressed highest devoshen for the Afrikin
race, and the most ardent admirashen for the Afrikin character.
One enthoosiastic Dimocrat, who was a candidate for Prison
Inspector, or suthin, went so far ez to remark that he had a
rite to be present, ez he wuz proud to say his grandmother, on
his father's side, hed Afrikin blood in her veins, and out uv regard
for her he hed named his two darlin children respectively
Pompey and Phillis.
He loved the Afrikin race, and wuz proud that he cood lay
his hand on his heart and say, “I too am an Afrikin!”
Another lamentid that he cood not say he hed Afrikin blood
in his veins, and Fernandy Wood, who still wantid to be Mayor
uv Noo York, proposed the health uv the late Fred Douglas,
to wich Jim Brooks respondid. John Morrissey proposed the
memry uv Fred Douglas, and Ben Wood the health uv William
Wells Brown.
In fact so ardent wuz the admirashen uv the grate lites uv
the Dimocrisy for the Afrikin, that, in my dream, I regretted
that I hed not bin born in Afriky.
-- 574 -- p635-625
[figure description] Page 574.[end figure description]
At this pint I woke, pleased at findin that wat I hed seen
and read wuz all a dream, that the paper I held in my hand
cortained an account uv an Irish and not a nigger celebrashen,
and that the names uv Hoffman and Champlain wuz appended
to letters addressed to Irishmen only. But I wuz sad after all.
When the cussid amendment is a part of the soopreme law uv
the land, and the niggers hev votes, will not these men court
em and fondle em the same ez they do other men with ballots?
thought I. Will there not be then the same reason for slobberin
Pompey that there now is for slobberin Patrick? Will
not the ardent Dimocrat in pursoot uv votes forgit that he is
uv the proud Caucashen race, and stoop to caress an inferior?
I fear me!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXXVI. THE CORNERS OUTRAGED.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 9, 1869.
Ef the Dimocrisy uv the North arn't satisfied by this time
that the ultimate intenshen uv the Ablishnists is to subjoogate
em and redoose em to the level uv the nigger, the voice uv
one risin from the dead woodn't avail nothin. Yesterday the
last outrage wich a chivalrous people has been compelled to
bear was perpetrated onto a citizen of the Corners. A Nigger
is now an offis-holder at the Corners! I shel state the case
calmly.
The posishen uv Assessor uv Internal Revenoo for the Deestrick
uv wich the Corners is the centre, hez bin held by Captain
Hugh McPelter, late uv Morgan's cavalry, C. S. A. That
he hez filled the posishen to the satisfaction uv the citizens uv
the Corners, no one denies. He is a distiller — in fact he and
Elder Pennibacker run the two distilleries in the town, and
-- 575 --
[figure description] Page 575.[end figure description]
they hev did a thrivin biznis. McPelter wuz Assessor, and
Pennibacker Collector, and ez a consekence none uv the capital
uv the Corners hez bin substracted and carried to Washington
to feed the Ablishen theeves there. Ez no tax hez ever
bin paid on the whiskey at this place, Bascom hez bin enabled
to continyoo to sell it at five cents per drink, while everywhere
else the regler price is ten and fifteen. There wuz other advantages
in havin the Assessorship and Collectorship in their
hands. By simply hintin to em that it wuz my dooty ez a
Fedril offis-holder to investigate their modes uv doin the government
biznis, I hev not only bin the happy recipient uv
scores uv two gallon jugs, but I hev bin enabled at divers and
sundry times to prokoor loans uv em uv various amounts, the
lowest bein $1.75, and the highest reachin $20.
This happy condishun uv affairs is bustid. Gabrel Babcock,
a nigger — that is, a half nigger — formerly the property uv
Deekin Pogram, and who looks enuff like the Deekin's oldest
son, Jehiel, to be his half-brother, wuz last week appinted and
confirmed Assessor in the place uv Captain McPelter, and immejitely
he entered onto the discharge uv his dooties.
There are many feechers pekoolyerly aggravatin in the appintment.
To begin with, this Babcock wuz notoriously obnoxyus
to the Corners doorin the late onpleasantnis. At the
beginnin thereof he run away from Deekin Pogram and entered
the Fedral servis. He wuz partikerly activ and cussid. His
knowledge uv the country made him yooseful to the Fedral
offisers ez a guide and scout, and at least one Fedral victory
is chargeable direct to the information he brot. Then his
wife wuz knowd to hev hid five Fedral soljers who hed escaped
from Andersonville. When he finally fell into the hands uv
Captain McPelter at Fort Pillow kin it be wondered at that he
wuz left for dead? or kin it be wondered at that the people
uv the Corners wuz surprized when he appeared among em at
the close uv the war with one leg off and one arm stiff? Not
much. Captain McPelter wuzn't in the habit uv half doin his
work, and the appearance uv this nigger who hed passed
through his hands ruther astonished the captin.
Doorin his absence he hed learned to read and write, and
he wuz made a teecher in the Freedmen's Skool wich wuz
-- 576 --
[figure description] Page 576.[end figure description]
establisht in this place, and now he's Assessor, with Pollock on
his bond.
Ez a matter uv course we despair uv the republic. Wat
freedom kin there be for us with a nigger in offishel posishen
to tyranize over us? Wat man uv culcher, uv ejucashen, uv
refinement, kin afford to live in a community where a disgustin
mulatto is made not only our ekal but our sooperior?
Deekin Pogram said this indignantly to Joe Bigler, who immejitly
askt the Deekin whether or not he didn't count Babcock's
mother his ekal thirty years ago? Wich question, wich
was askt in the presence uv the Deekin's wife, who hez a temper,
wuz the occasion uv severe remarks between the worthy
pair. Joe Bigler delites in openin old sores.
The first act uv this Babcock in his offishl capassity wuz the
shuttin up uv McPelter's and Pennibacker's distilleries, and
Bascom's bar, on the skore that none uv em hed ever taken
out licenses, or even paid any taxes. There wuz the most terrific
ebulishn uv feelin at this act of tyranny that it hez ever
bin my lot to witness.
“Kill the d—d nigger!”
“Hang the black cuss!”
“Down with the Afrikin despot!”
Shoutid the infuriated citizins. With a refinement uv crooelty
wich cood only be the offspring uv a most depraved and
vishus mind, he shut up these places at seven o'clock in the
mornin, before one uv the citizens hed hed his mornin bitters!
Hed he postponed it an hour we might hev fought it out, for
some one else would hev prokoored a supply before noon, and
things would hev gone on normal. But here wuz the entire
populashen uv the Corners at 7 A. M., with throats like limekilns,
and nary a drop to be hed for love or money. The skeem
wuz well considered and successful. The citizens cood hold
out but fifteen minits, and they surrendered. They gave
bonds, to wich they all appended their marks, to indemnify the
government for back taxes, and compelled Bascom to take out
license. This done, the nigger, who wuz backt up by Bigler
and Pollock, opened his doors, and the multitood surged in and
wuz satisfied. To think uv a nigger holdin the destinies uv
the Corners in his hands!
-- 577 --
[figure description] Page 577.[end figure description]
Ez a matter uv course, Elder Pennibacker will follow next;
“indeed he wants to resign now, for, sez he, with the Assessorship
in hostile hands uv wat avail is it to be Collector?” And
then, how long will my head stay on my shoulders? Is a nigger
to take my place! Already Bascom hez raised his price
to 10 cts. per drink, and notified me that likker from this time
out is cash, and already hez Pennibacker and McPelter refoozed
to lend me a cent! My kingdom is crumblin. The
eleckshen uv Grant wuz the wedge wich is rivin me from stem
to stern. I shel be compelled to go hentz a broken man.
Good Hevings, why coodn't I hev died while Johnson wuz
still President!
The blindness uv this present Administrashen is trooly
astonishen. Things wuz settlin rapidly at the Corners. McPelter
wuz becomin pacified, and Deekin Pennibacker likewise.
They wuz not satisfied with the Government, nor did
they approve uv anything it did, but they were passive. Now
the old sores is opened. Now McPelter is breathin slaughter,
and is for lettin slip the dorgs uv war. And wat hez Grant
got in return? Why, a nigger who wuz already hizzen, and
the two whites at the Corners who voted for him last fall, and
will agin, anyhow. General Grant evidently don't mean to
pacify us — he ain't on the soothe, nor hez he a clear idea uv
wat is needed to conciliate. I shel go next. There is to be a
meetin held next week to protest agin these changes, but it
won't avail nothin. We are all marked.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich means Postmaster).
-- 578 -- p635-629
CLXXVII. THE CORNERS HAVE A DISCUSSION AS TO THE MATTER OF CARPET-BAGGERS.
Post Office, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 8, 1869.
[figure description] Page 578.[end figure description]
The presence uv Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, at the
Corners, hez alluz bin a source uv uneasiness to the old settlers—
the bloo blooded chivalry, who hev alluz bin born here,
and who hev lived here from time immemorial. An Illinoyan
by birth, an Ablishnist by perfesion, and a Storekeeper by
practis, he hez, from his originel advent here, bin an unmitigated
thorn in the side uv the Kentuckians wich live at the Corners,
wich thorn hez rankled and rankled, till it hez festered
and finally broke.
There are sevral reasons why he hez bin unpopler. He
credited the citizens uv the Corners, on his first arrival, for
sich goods ez they needed, and hed the impoodence to insist
upon pay. Deekin Pogram, in less than two months from the
openin, wuz in his debt suthin over a hundred dollars, and the
wretch not only insisted on payment, but abslootly sood him,
and wood hev recovered the amount, hed Squire Gavitt, who
wuz then Justis uv the Peace, ishooed papers. Findin that
the officers uv the law uv the Corners wood not interfere in
favor uv a disturber, he refoozed to sell another dollar's worth
save for cash, and from that time he hez rigidly adhered to
that rool. Ez he keeps the only stock uv dry goods there is in
the Corners, the citizens are obliged to paternize him, and they
hev to pay. This iron hez bin entrin their soles for years, and
finally it wuz decidid to hist him, and take the chances uv
somebody else comin in his place. The ackshen uv citizens
wuz hastened, by the fact that two friends uv hizzen wuz
comin from his old home in Illinoy, to start a Wagon and
a Cooper shop in the Corners, wich wuz an increase uv just
that number uv carpet-baggers, besides wat hands they mite
bring with em.
This alarmed our citizens, and it wuz felt nessary to take
-- 579 --
[figure description] Page 579.[end figure description]
steps to stop it. Accordin a meetin wuz called uv the natives,
wich met last nite at the church.
In assoomin the chair (I am ex-offisho chairman uv all meetins
held at the Corners), I remarkt that the exigencis uv the
times demanded that suthin be done. The peece and yoonanimity
uv feelin uv the Corners coold not be disturbed by
the influx of carpet-baggers. The trooly Southern sole wuz
wrung, the Southern heart wuz bleedin, but there wuz a pint
beyond wich the Southern sole and heart cood not go, and that
pint wuz carpet-baggers. The Southern heart loathed the
spawn of the North, and the chivelrous Southern sole cood not
and wood not bear to hev Northern agitators okkepyin their
places and bringin with em their ijees, wich were alluz in
opposishen to ourn. Ef sich wuz to be the case, farewell the
sunny South and her instooshens. I ask in conclooshin for an
expresion uv opinyun from the citizens assembled.
To my consternashin, Joe Bigler riz, tho where he came
from I can't say. He commenst by remarkin that attachment
to one's native soil, and a desire to hold office in it, wuz one uv
the highest and holiest instinks uv our fallen nachers. He
cood and did sympathize with the chairman uv the meetin
fully, and agreed with him in everything he had said. He did
not beleeve that needy advencherers from the cold and frozen
North shood come here and possess theirselves uv the soil to
the excloosion uv them native and to the manor born.
Never! never! never! He hed a Southern heart and a
Southern sole, and he wood never consent to be crowded out
by them alien to us. He hed drawd up resolooshens, which he
begged to submit, viz.: —
Resolved, That the native born citizens uv the Confedrit
Cross Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, denounces ez
disturbers, interlopers, and carpet-baggers, wich can't be tolerated,
all those within her borders wich wuz not born there.
Resolved, That when sich a person ez is contemplated in the
above resolution holds an offis or asks for one, his presence is
pertikelerly unsufferable.
Resolved, That we do to-wunst clean out uv the Corners all
sich persons, quietly ef possible, but by force ef needs be.
The resolooshens struck the citizens favorably, and they
-- 580 --
[figure description] Page 580.[end figure description]
wuz about to pass em, Bigler's niggers uv course all votin for
em, when an idee struck me. I saw the strategy uv the detestable
wretch to-wunst. It wuz me he wuz aimin at. I wuz
the mark uv his infernal mashenashens. I remembered, for
the first time in four years, that I wuz not a native uv Kentucky;
that I wuz a Northner, and that I had come to Kentucky
an advencherer! In agony I arose and protested, but
too late! The resolooshens passed yoonanimusly, and Joe
Bigler stood grinnin at me like a feend.
“Now,” sed he, “now that I kin act by authority, now that
I kin wunst more act in accordance with the wishes uv my
fellow-citizens, from whom I hev bin so long unhappily separated,
I perpose to go for a carpet-bagger. Parson, your time
hez come!”
And the wretch made for me vishusly, and hed me by the
throte in less than a second.
Immejitly Bascom, and Pennebacker, McPelter, and the rest
interfered, and dragged the villin away.
“Wat does this mean?” they askt. “Why this assault?”
“Why? Isn't the Parson afore us a carpet-bagger?” askt
Bigler. “Wuz he born at the Corners? Hez he a rite to stan
on the soil uv Kentucky, and say, thank Hevin, I too am a
Kentuckian! Possibly I may hev misunderstood the tenor uv
the resolushens wich I writ, and wich yoo passed. Ef so,
forgive my zeal.”
“But, Josef,” sed Deekin Pogram, “the Parson is not, accordin
to our idee, a carpet-bagger.”
“Too troo,” said Bigler, in reply; “he hed no carpet-bag
when he came.”
“That isn't percisely wat I mean. The Parson is a Constooshnel
Democrat. He agrees with us in sentiment, and —”
“A lite breaks in onto me,” remarkt Bigler. “I see a distinkshen.
We denounce men ez carpet-baggers and interlopers
and sich, not becoz they are carpet baggers and interlopers,
but becoz they don't interlope accordin to yoor noshens. The
Parson isn't objectionable to the Corners, becoz the Parson kin
punish ez much sod corn whiskey ez any uv yoo, and votes
the Demokratic ticket with fearful regularity; Pollock is
objectionable becoz he don't do these things, and happens to
-- 581 --
[figure description] Page 581.[end figure description]
be somewat Ablishen in his tendencies. Thank the Lord, I
now understand wat a carpet-bagger is. Parson, I beg pardon
for my violence, and I move this resolooshn ez a substitute for
the one yoo so inconsiderately passed.
“Resolved, That while the citizens uv the Corners bleeve in
perfect freedom uv thot and speech, and desire it above all
things, they nevertheless view with alarm the comin hither uv
Northerners who are Republikins and won't patronize Bascom,
and we pledge ourselves to bust the heads uv sich.
“Resolved, That we bust the heads only uv disturbin carpet-baggers.
“Resolved, That all Northern Republikins comin here is carpet-baggers,
and all Northern Dimokrats is not.
“This,” sed Josef, “makes the matter plain to the dullest
comprehension. Let em pass.”
I objected, but Bigler, stubborn ez a pair uv mules, insisted,
and ez by this time the church wuz half full uv niggers, which
he insisted shood vote, ez they wuz not only native born Kentuckians,
but many uv em hed the best blood uv Kentucky
runnin in their veins, it wuz passed over our heads, and the
meetin adourned, Bigler and Pollock, folloered by their adherents,
goin off in high glee. That cuss seems to take
a delite in spilin everything that the rest uv us undertake
to do. Ther's many short corners in Dimocrisy that must
be turned skillfully, and it's awkward to hev a man like
him bustin thro em like a bull in a china shop. But he
can't live alluz.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 582 -- p635-633
CLXXVIII. MR. NASBY NURSES THE LABOR MOVEMENT AT THE CORNERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 28, 1869.
[figure description] Page 582.[end figure description]
The agitashen uv the question uv niggers labrin with white
men in Washington reached the Corners four weeks ago, and
perdoost, ez mite hev bin expectid, most profound feelin. Our
white artisans assembled to-wunst and passed resolooshens in
sympathy with their brethren in Washington, and urgin uv em
to hold out to the bitter end rather than compermise their
dignity by lowerin themselves to the level uv the greasy Afriken.
The meetin wuznt a large one, for we hev only five
mechanics uv the hawty Caucashen race at the Corners, but it
wuz enthoosiastic. Three uv the five hed bin at Bascom's four
days, hevin bin jist paid off by a new-comer, for a house they
hed repaired for him, and they wuz in a frame uv mind for
most anything that wuz eggscitin.
I directed the attenshun uv these men to the fact that a nigger
plasterer wuz even at that time employed in plasterin a
house between the Corners and Garrettstown, and I askt em
ef they wuz content to lay still and see an inferior race take
the bread out uv their mouths in that way? I implored em,
ez labrin men, to preserve the dignity uv labor. Shel niggers
invade yoor okkepashens?
They wuznt none uv em plasterers, but they replied, “Never!
Never!” and demanded, with the utmost promptitood, to be
showd the wretch, that they mite go for him. But I restraned
em till I hed organized em into a Free Labor Unyun, which
perhibited anybody from workin at anythin which didn't jine
it, and wich perhibitid niggers from jinin it. This preliminary
work accomplished, I remarkt, “Follow me!” They did it
with alacrity.
On reachin the house we halted, and there our eyes rested
onto a site wich blarsted em. There wuz a nigger, a full-blooded
nigger, with a cap onto him, and overalls, plasterin
-- 583 -- p635-634
[figure description] Page 583.[end figure description]
away, whistlin and singin (sometimes one, sometimes another,
and then agin both to-wunst) Methodist hymns. And ever
and anon the unthinkin man of inferiority wood stop and execoot
a break-down, and laff to hisself, so that he could be
heard a mile. The disgustin wretch displayed his grovelin
nacher by drinkin water out uv a bucket wich he hed handy
by him.
We made short work uv it. We informed him that the
laborers uv the Corners hed organized a Union, and that no
one cood be permitted to work within its boundaries ceptin
members thereof.
“Berry well!” remarkt the Afrikin cuss, calmly puttin on a
dab uv mortar and smoothin it, “berry well! I'll jine the
Yoonyun.”
“But you can't. No nigger can be admitted.”
“Den I specks I shel hev to go on and work widout bein a
member. De ole woman and de babies must hab dar bread,
yoo know.”
Sich insolence cood not, uv course, be tolerated. We hed
stated the case to him calmly and dispassionately. We hed
informed him uv the laws we hed made, and this wretch deliberately
defied us, by insistin that he shood go on with his
work! Ther wuz but one course to take, and we took it. We
snaked the platform out from under him; we tore up his
mortar bed; we broke his trowel and other tools, and notified
him offishelly that any attempt at resoomin work would result
in lynchin uv him.
The next day we found that the nigger hed in trooth quit
plasterin, but hed found employment ez a striker in a blacksmith
shop. Uv course sich an outrage on the pure Caucashen
employed in that shop, wich his name wuz O'Toole, cood not
be permitted, and ez O'Toole refoosed to work with him, he
wuz discharged. The next day I notist him on the streets,
rather pale and haggard than otherwise, carryin home a shin
bone uv beef wich he hed bought. The next day after I observed
that he lookt better, and I diskivered that he hed found
employment at last on a turnpike road wich is bein built east
uv the town. Issaker Gavitt and me, the two champions uv
labor for this seckshun (ez we don't work we hev time to
-- 584 --
[figure description] Page 584.[end figure description]
attend to it), sejested to the noble Celts employed on the job
the hidjusnis uv compellin em to work on an ekality with a
nigger, and they struck agin it with the yoosual result. The
nigger wuz discharged. He made but one or two more efforts.
He undertook to git work at various places, but by this time
it wuz well enuff knowd that the citizens uv the Corners wuz
inflexibly opposed to the recognisin uv em in any capassity,
and he yeelded. He got very thin, and pale, and haggard, and
his large family likewise. It wuz evident that they wuznt
feelin very well at home. Notis the nateral result of freedom!
He ABSLOOTLY BEGGED! But uv course the Corners wood give
nothin to a nigger. Then the instinktiv nateral cussidness uv
the nigger — the infernal depravity wich is inherent into all
uv em — began to display itself. He demoralized rapidly, and
in a week became a most disgustin objick. He stole chickens
uv Deekin Pogram, leastways Deekin Pogram's chickens wuz
missin, and who should hev stole em but this nigger? He stole
corn uv Elder Pennebacker, and wuz finally detected takin a
ham from Bascom's smoke-house. There wuz no doubt ez to
his guilt; he wuz taken in the act, with the fatal ham in his
possession. He hed taken it home, and his wife wuz fryin
large slices uv it.
There cood be but one endin to sich a succession uv crimes.
The citizens were too much incensed to await the uncertain
ackshen uv the law, and they hung him at site. The Corners
will never tolerate a nigger theef in their midst, no how.
Uv course I improved the occasion. Ez his body wuz a
swingin in the air, I askt our people to behold the fruits of
Radicalism and Fanatycism. That nigger wuz wunst the happy
slave uv a happy owner; there wuz atween em a nateral relashen.
The nigger workt, and his owner eat, and thus wuz
fulfilled the entire dooties uv life. He wuz not hung then, for
he wuz worth too much money to hang. How hed it bin with
him sense? He demanded to be made a free man; he wuz
made a free man, and here he is. I told em that there wuz no
need uv sayin more; that body a danglin in the air, wich its
sole wuz a marchin on, wuz the most elokent sermon wich cood
be preacht.
The man whose house the nigger wuz a plasterin wuz in
-- 585 -- p635-636
[figure description] Page 585.[end figure description]
town yesterday, tryin to get Caucashin plasterers to finish the
job; but ez ther ain't none uv em here, he isn't succeedin very
well. He probably won't get into his new quarters this fall.
I am not certain not become uv his family. There wuz a
nigger woman's body pulled out uv the dam a day or two afterwards,
wich somebody remarkt wuz the wife uv the deceast,
and Captain McPelter remarkt that when he went to the cabin
uv the deceest nigger to secoor his share of the furnitoor, that
two leadin niggers from Garrettstown were notist makin off
with the children. But there's no tellin whether there's any
trooth in these rumors or not. I think I shel go to Washington,
and put myself at the head uv the anti-nigger labor movement
now bein inogurated there.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
CLXXIX. MR. NASBY AND HIS CONFRERES HOLD A COMMERCIAL CONVENTION AT THE CORNERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 3, 1869.
Confedrit × Roads cannot be said to be, in the Northern
sense of the term, a prosperous town. The fact is, its railroad
facilities are not uv the best, the nearest one to us bein some
twelve miles away, and its other roads are not so gorgious ez
cood be desired. They are passable for wagons in Joon, July,
and August; for mules in April, May, September, and October;
and the balance uv the time they mite possibly be navigated
by flat boats, ef the citizens hed anything in pertikeler to
leave the town for, or ef anybody pertikelerly desired to come
to it.
The citizens, now that they are onct agin in full akkord with
the General Government, and bein thoroughly reconstructid,
-- 586 --
[figure description] Page 586.[end figure description]
felt that they hed borne neglect uv their interests in silence
ez long ez they cood be expected uv the impetuous Southern
nacher; and also, that the time hed come when the leadin cities
uv the South shood make some effort to avail themselves uv
the nateral advantages uv their position, and wrest from the
North the full share uv the trade uv the Continent, to which
they are entitled. We uv the Cross Roads felt that we hed
too long acceptid a second rate commershel posishen, and we
felt that we cood not endoor it longer. It wuz therefore resolved
to hold a commershel convenshen at the Cross Roads,
to take these matters into considerashen, with sich others as
mite suggest therselves.
Invitashens wuz sent to all the principal leaders uv the
Southern masses, and uv em it wuz confidently expected that
Breckinridge, Lee, and Boregard wood be present.
The convenshen assembled on the day sot. It was one uv
the largest and most enthoosiastic it hez ever been my lot to
attend. There was delegates present from Secessionville,
Davistown, Boregard, and all the towns in that section uv the
State, representin the intelligence and wealth uv the real old
Kentucky stock uv those localities.
General McDingus, late C. S. A., uv Secessionville, wuz made
President, with thirty-two Vice Presidents, wich comprised all
the delegates present. This wuz done, ez all uv em seemed to
want to be officers.
General McDingus stated the object uv the convenshen to be
the devisin uv means to increase the commercial importance
of the section, to develop her resources, to increase her manufakterin
interests, and to show the recooperative power the
South possesses. Kentucky wants manufakters, Kentucky
wants populashen, and to devise means uv gittin these is the
objick uv our assemblin. He begged the members to commence
to-wunst.
Kernel McPelter, from the Committee on Invitashens, wuz
about to perceed to read letters he hed received from prominent
Southerners, when Captain Podgers, of Davistown, begged
leave to offer a resolooshen. He saw sittin in the convenshen,
with ez much ashoorence ez tho he hed a rite there, a wretch,
with whose name he woodent sully his mouth, who hed come
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from Massychoo — no, he woodent sully his mouth with the name
uv that State — from a ablishn State, and hed startid in Davistown
a factory for makin pig iron! employin therein thirty-five
men, which hed bot a plantashen uv a distrest planter, and put
thereon twenty houses, a skool-house, and a church! He stigmatized
this man ez a carpet-bagger. He hed been repeetedly
warned by the citizens uv Davistown to leave, but he hed lafft
at the warnin. On threatenin his factory, he hed armed his
operatives with double-barrelled shot guns, and with those hed
held the citizens at bay. This man hez strength enuff to keep
up his factry, but he shel not sit in convenshen with Southern
gentlemen.
Major Bangum remarkt that at Boregard they hed a different
way uv meetin these difficulties. A carpet-bagger from Pennsylvany
undertook to start a store at Boregard, but we nipt it
in the bud at the beginnin. We gave him twenty-four hours
to leave, and he left. Hed Captain Podgers commenst in time,
afore the evil took root, it cood hev bin eradicated.
Deekin Pogram statid that an attempt hed bin made to plant
a cotton factry on a water-power at Confedrit × Roads, and
give in detail the method adoptid to prevent it, both speeches
bein receeved with cheers, which showd that the Southern
heart wuz still ez Southern ez ever.
Captain Podgers offered the followin resolooshen: —
Resolved, That all carpet-baggers be requested to leave the
Hall doorin the session uv the Convenshen.
It was carried with loud applause, after which Captain McPelter
read the letters he hed received, or rather passed over
em to me to read, ez I do the most uv it for the Corners.
Jefferson Davis — President Davis, I exclaimed, ez I kist
the letter — regretted that he could not be present. His heart
still beats for the Sunny South —
I cood get no further with the readin uv this epistle. The
most enthusiastic and vociferous cheers it hez ever bin my lot
to hear broke from the throng in the buildin, Captain McPelter
endin with the genooine Southern chargin yell, at wich the
niggers in the vicinity uv the buildin grew pale and took to
the woods. They'd heard it before, and not bein advised that
the meetin wuz purely a Commershal Convenshen, they wuz
seriously affrighted.
-- 588 --
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General Boregard regretted that he cood not be present,
but —
Agin I wuz interruptid by cheers, wich made the very roof
shake, and the members uv the Convenshen threw up their
hats to an extent wich fairly darkened the air.
Letters wuz attempted to be read from other noted leaders
uv the South in the late unpleasantnis with the vandals uv
subjugatin States, but at the menshen uv each uv their names
the cheerin wuz so extraordinarily vociferous ez to prevent
anything bein heard.
At this pint, while the enthusiasm wuz at its highest pitch,
Deekin Pogram riz, and remarkt that Confedrit × Roads wuz,
he wuz aware, painfully defishent in many things. They hed
but one store, and that wuz run by a despicable carpet-bagger,
and Bascom's whiskey wuz not alluz uv the best; but one thing
she could boast uv, namely, her wimmen. “Stand up, Mirandy!”
he remarkt to that gushin damsel; “and the others
in the gallery may ez well rise likewise,” wich they all did,
wavin Confedrit flags, and bustin out into that ever-inspirin
anthem, “The Bonny Blood Flag.” “There,” remarkt the
Deekin, “there is our jewels. Three cheers for our daughters!”
The effeck uv this was somewhat spiled by a dozen or more
quadroons, risin with Mirandy and the rest uv em! That ojus,
demoralizin villin, Joe Bigler, who delites in spilin tetchin
tabloos, hed em snug in the gallery all the time, and he sprung
em onto us thus crooelly!
General Belter, uv Boregard, offered a resolooshen denouncin
the reconstruckshen measures, President Grant and his Cabinet,
the oppressive Nashnel debt, carpet-baggers, and the
Republican party; Major Flair offered one, implorin the
Northern Dimocracy to stand firm agin the constooshnel
amendment; Captain McPelter one, insistin on the revokashen
uv all laws bearin onto those who had served on the side uv
State rites doorin the recent collision uv States; all of wich
was adopted enthoosiastically, when the convenshen adjourned,
sine die.
The delegates, congratulatin each other on the noble work
that hed bin done for the South that day, took a partin drink at
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Bascom's at the expense uv our citizens, wich Bascom wood
not set it out till some responsible citizen, wich hed land with
not more than two mortgages on, wood make hisself responsible
for em, and wuz a gittin into the wagons to dust out to their
respective homes, when one uv em remarkt —
“We've forgot one thing!”
“No we hevint,” remarkt General Dingus. “We've done
every thing that's yoosual at Southern commercial convenshens.
We've cheered for Davis and Boregard; we've admired the
women, denounst the ablishen party, and demanded our rites—
wat more wuz there to do?”
“We haint sed a cussid word about commerce.”
“Thunder!” remarkt the General, “it's a fact. D—d ef it
didn't slip my memry entirely. We must assemble agin.”
And the meetin was again convened.
The work was accomplished in short order. Resolooshens
wuz passed demandin the buildin uv a railroad by the ginral
Government from Davistown to Secessionville, and four different
lines uv road to the Pacific, with branches endin at Confedrit
× Roads, Secessionville, Davistown, Boregard, and sich
other towns ez mite consider it to their interest to hev em.
In addition to these it wuz demandid that dredges be taken
from the harbors on Lake Erie and other Northern waters, and
kept twelve months in the year at work in Camp Run to keep
it navigable to the Ohio river for boats uv all classes. A resolooshen
wuz offered demandin uv the Government the buildin
of a levee around Deekin Pogram's farm, a part uv wich is
frekently overflowed in the spring and fall, and also the gravlin
or plankin uv the roads in the county, but it wuz considered
best to withdraw these, ez they didn't feel like askin too much
to-wunst. Other resolooshens wuz passed, demandin recompense
for the loss uv niggers, and property destroyed doorin
the war, in order that there might be that harmony so much
to be desired between the Government and Kentucky, and the
meetin adjourned, this time for keeps. Ef these acts uv justis
is done, well and good; ef not, Kentucky protests. The Convenshen
hez hopes uv results follerin its ackshen.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
-- 590 -- p635-641
CLXXX. MR. NASBY AT LAST LOSES HIS POST OFFICE.
On a Farm, Three Miles from Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 29, 1869.
[figure description] Page 590.[end figure description]
The die is cast! The guilloteen hez fallen! I am no longer
Postmaster at Confedrit × Roads, wich is in the State uv
Kentucky. The place wich knowd me wunst will know me no
more forever; the paper wich Deekin Pogram takes will be
handed out by a nigger; a nigger will hev the openin uv letters
addressed to parties residin hereabouts, containin remittances;
a nigger will hev the riflin uv letters addrest to lottry
managers, and extractin the sweets therefrom; a nigger will
be. — But I can't dwell upon the disgustin theme no longer.
I hed bin in Washington two weeks assistin the Caucashens
uv that city to put their foot upon the heads uv the cussid
niggers who ain't content to accept the situashen and remain
ez they alluz hev bin, inferior beins. To say I hed succeeded,
is a week expreshen. I organized a raid onto em so effectooally
ez to drive no less than thirty uv em out uv employment,
twenty-seven uv wich wuz compelled to steel their bread, wich
give us a splendid opportoonity to show up the nateral cussidness
uv the Afrikin race, wich we improved.
On my arrival at the Corners, I knew to-wunst that suthin
wuz wrong. The bottles behind the bar wuz draped in black;
the barrels wuz festooned gloomily (wich is our yoosual method
of expressin grief at public calamities), and the premises generally
wore a funeral aspeck.
“Wat is it?” gasped I.
Bascom returned not a word, but waved his hand towards
the Post Offis.
Rushin thither, I bustid open the door, and reeled almost
agin the wall. At the general delivery wuz the grinnin
face uv a nigger! and settin in my chair wuz Joe Bigler,
with Pollock beside him, smokin pipes, and laffin over suthin
in a noosepaper.
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Bigler caught site of me, and dartin out, pulled me inside
them hitherto sacred precinks.
“Permit me,” sed he, jeerinly, “to interdoose you to yoor
successor, Mr. Ceezer Lubby.”
“My successor! Wat does this mean?”
“Show him, Ceezer!”
And the nigger, every tooth in his head shinin, handed me a
commishn dooly made out and signed. I saw it all at a glance.
I hed left my biznis in the hands uv a depetty. It arrived the
day after I left, and Isaker Gavitt, who distribbited the mail,
gave it to the cuss. Pollock made out the bonds and went
onto em himself, and in ten days the commishn come all regler,
whereupon Bigler backt the nigger and took forcible possession
uv the office. While I wuz absent they hed hed a percession
in honor uv the joyful event, sed perceshn consistin uv
Pollock, Bigler, and the new Postmaster, who marched
through the streets with the stars and stripes, banners and
sich. Bigler remarkt that the percession wuzn't large, but it
wuz talented, eminently respectable, and extremely versateel.
He (Bigler) carried the flag and played the fife; Pollock
carried a banner with an inscripshen onto it, “Sound the loud
timbrel o'er Egypt's dark sea,” and played the bass drum;
while the nigger bore aloft a banner, inscribed, “Where Afric's
sunny fountins roll down the golden sands,” with his commission
pinned onto it, playin in addishen a pair uv anshent cymbals.
Bigler remarkt further that the perceshun created a
positive sensashun at the Corners, wich I shood think it wood.
“It wuzn't,” sed the tormentin cuss, “very much like the
grand percession wich took place when yoo received yoor
commishn. Then the whites at the Corners wuz elated, for
they spectid to git wat yoo owed em in doo time, and the niggers
wuz correspondinly deprest. They slunk into by-ways
and side-ways; they didn't hold up their heads, and they dusted
out ez fast ez they cood git. At this percession there wuz a
change. The niggers lined the streets ez we passed, grinnin
exultinly, and the whites wuz deprest correspondinly. It's
singler that at the Corners the two races can't feel good both
at the same time.”
My arrival hevin become known, by the time I got back to
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Bascom's all my friends hed gathered there. There wuznt a
dry eye among em; and ez I thot uv the joys once tastid, but
now forever fled, mine moistened likewise. There wuz a visible
change in their manner towards me. They regarded me
with solisitood, but I cood discern that the solisitood wuz
not so much for me ez for themselves.
“Wat shel I do?” I askt. “Suthin must be devised, for I
can't starve.”
“Pay me wat yoo owe me!” ejakelatid Bascom.
“Pay me wat yoo owe me!” ejakelatid Deekin Pogram, and
the same remark wuz made by all uv em with wonderful yoonanimity.
Watever differences uv opinyun ther mite be on
other topics, on this they wuz all agreed.
“Gentlemen!” I commenced, backing out into a corner, “is
this generous? Is this the treatment I hev a right to expect?
Is this —”
I shood hev gone on at length, but jist at that minnit Pollock,
Joe Bigler, and the new Postmaster entered.
“I hev biznis!” sed the Postmaster; “not agreeable biznis,
but it's my offishel dooty to perform it.”
At the word “offishel,” comin from his lips, I groaned, wich
wuz ekkoed by those present.
“I hev in my hand,” continyood he, “de bond giben by my
predecessor, onto wich is de names uv George W. Bascom,
Elkanah Pogram, Hugh McPelter, and Seth Pennibacker, ez
sureties. In dis oder hand I hold a skedool ob de property
belongin to de 'partment wich wuz turned ober to him by his
predecessor, consistin of table, chairs, boxes, locks, bags, et
settry, wid sundry dollars worf of stamps, paper, twine, &c.
None ob dis post offis property, turned over to my predecessor
by his predecessor, is to be found in de offis, and de objick ob
dis visit is to notify yoo dat onless immejit payment be made
uv the amount thereof, I am directed by de 'partment to bring
soot to-wunst against the sed sureties.”
Never before did I so appreciate A. Johnson, and his
Postmaster-General Randall. Under their administrashen
wat Postmaster wuz ever pulled up for steelin anythin?
Eko ansers. This wuz the feather that broke the camel's
back.
-- 593 --
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“Wat!” exclaimed Bascom, “shel I lose wat yoo owe me,
and then pay for wat yoo've stole?”
“Shel I lose the money,” sed Pogram, “wich I lent yoo, and
in addishen pay a Ablishen government for property yoo've
confiscated?”
“But the property is here,” I remarkt to Bascom; “yoo've
got it all. Why not return it, and save all this trouble.”
“Wat wood I hev then for the whiskey yoo've consoomed?”
he ejakelated vishusly. “It's all I've ever got from you; and
I've bin keepin yoo for four years.”
“Didn't that property pay yoo for the likker?” I asked; but
Bascom wuz in no humor for figgers, and he pitched into me,
at wich pleasant pastime they all follered soot. But for Joe
Bigler, they wood hev killed me. Ez it wuz they blackt both
my eyes, and rolled me out onto the sidewalk, shuttin the door
agin me.
Ez I heard that door slam to, I felt that all wuz lost. No
offis! no money! and Bascom's closed agin me! Kin there be
a harder fate? I passed the nite with a farmer three miles
out, who, bein sick, hedn't bin to the Corners, and consekently
knowd nothin uv the changes.
I heard the next day the result uv the ruckshun. Bascom
returned sich uv the property ez hedn't been sold and consoomed,
wich consisted uv the boxes. The chairs hed bin
broken up in the frekent shindies wich occur at his place; the
locks hed bin sold to farmers who yoozed em on their smoke
houses; the bags hed bin sold for wheat, and so on. The
stamps, paper, twine, and sich, figgered up three hundred and
forty-six dollars, wich wuz three hundred more dollars than
there wuz in the Corners. Bascom advanced the forty-six dollars,
and the three hundred wuz borrowed uv a banker at
Secessionville, who took mortgages on the farms uv the imprudent
bondsmen for sekoority. Uv course I can't go back to
the Corners under eggsistin circumstances. It wood be uncomfortable
for me to live there ez matters hev terminated. I
shel make my way to Washinton, and shel see if I can't git
myself electid ez Manager of a Labor Assosiation, and so make
a livin till there comes a change in the Administrashen. I
-- 594 -- p635-646
[figure description] Page 594.[end figure description]
wood fasten myself on A. Johnson, but unforchnitly there ain't
enuff in him to tie to. I would ez soon think uv tyin myself
to a car wheel in a storm at sea.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Post Master).
CLXXXI. MR. NASBY RECEIVES A LETTER FROM HIS STEADFAST FRIEND.
Pepper's Tavern, Holmes Co., O., }
August 22, 1869.
I left the Corners the day after I lost my position, and,
without any speshal purpose, wandered up into my old stampin
grounds in Ohio. I wuz received with a corjality wich affected
me profoundly. Them wich hed bin turned out uv offises cood
sympathize with me, and them wich hed never got em, felt it
still more deeply, ez they eggsaggerate the benefit to be
derived from offishl posishen, and actilly wonder how a man
wich ever held an offis kin survive decapitashen.
I hed no difficulty in borrowin enuff dollars uv the sturdy
yeomanry uv this section to not only keep me afloat here for
a time, but to pervide again a passage through an Ablishn
country, ef sich need be. My expenses here will be light, ez
I am boardin and drinkin on tick exclusively. I told the landlord
the first day to mark it down, ez it wuz inconvenient to
make change fifty times per day. He possibly may wish he
hed taken the trouble to make change.
The sceen reminds me uv Bascom's so much that I actilly
shed teers. Democrasy is alike everywhere. Ther wuz the
bar, with the big-bellied bottle with tansy in it, and the big-bellied
bottle without tansy in it; ther wuz the box uv pipes,
the two lemons wich are doomed never to be yoosed, ez lemonjoose
weakens likker; ther wuz Pepper, the landlord, with his
sleeves rolled up, a leanin onto his elbows onto the bar; be
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[figure description] Page 595.[end figure description]
hind him a portrate uv Jackson, on his fomin steed, wavin his
sword towards the British, beside it a hand-bill for a mass Convenshun
uv the Deestrick last year, commensin with the trooly
orthodox line, “Do you want to marry a nigger?” in large,
black type, with a picter uv Wendell Phillips kissin a wench,
at wich the Democrasy hev indignated reglerly for ten yeers.
Seetid on bustid cheers, empty nail kegs, and leaning on the
bar, wuz a groop wich was simply a dooplikit uv the × Roads,
and so akkerit that I caught myself sayin “Deekin” lots uv
times. I sed “Captain” to a man who wuz so near like
McPelter, ez to justify the suspicion that the father uv the
present Hugh hed many yeers before bin a citizen uv that
visinity, but I wuz keerful not to do so agin. Ketchin me by
the throte, he sternly remarkt, “Sir! don't put any uv them
titles onto me, sir. I wuz no Captain, thank Heven.” He
wuz passified when I told him that his remarkable resemblance
to a Confedrit Captin occasioned the mistake, wich pleased
him so that he to-wunst askt me to take suthin. This opened
a new field to me, wich I worked. I diskivered to-wunst an
amazin resemblence between all uv em and distinguisht
Southern commanders.
We fell to talkin uv the old times wich tried men's soles, in
the earlier years uv the war. Pepper, the landlord, gave a
most affectin reminiscence uv the shootin uv two returned
veterans, in the very room in wich we sot. The spot on which
they fell he hed put the stove over, that it mite be kept sakred.
Mr. Bortle, an old saint, whose nose wuz lightin his pathway
to the toom, hed a more tragicle tale to tell. He wuz one uv
them wich sholdered his fowlin peece to resist the draft up in
this County, and wuz taken by bloo-coated hirelins and carted
off to Camp Chase, where he wuz kept in doorance vile for
weeks, with nothin watever to live onto but the yoosual rashens
uv a soljer! One old relic uv the war, wich his name it wuz
Babbitt, accompanied Vallandygum through the lines, wich
lines wuz commandid by Rosecrans. He wuz present when
that accursed villain — that tool uv the despotic ape, Linkin —
hed the impudense to aboose our martyred Saint, and his blood
biled ez he heered it.
The followin epistle reached me yesterday. I received it
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with mingled emoshuns. Ez I gazed at the familyer stamp
onto the envelope, wich I hed yoozed so many times, I kissed
it in extacy; ez I thot that it wuz inflicted onto the paper by
the hand uv a nigger, indignashen seezed me. But passin
this, I read ez follows: —
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
August the 19th, 1869.
My dear, dear Friend: Absence, it is sed, conkers love,
but that won't work in your case. I had tried to forget yoo,
and hed well nigh succeeded, but in overhaulin some papers
yesterday, I happened to come across some uv yoor notes of
hand for small amounts borrowed uv me at different times, and
I realized to-wunst the force of the old line, —
“Tho lost to site, to memry dear,”
and I bust out into a flood uv tears.
Crops is a totle failyoor here. The season hez bin favorable,
but we hev bin so entirely without labor that we put in but
very little seed. At the time we ought to hev hed our corn
plantid, Issaker Gavitt, Kernel McPelter, Elder Pennibacker,
and our sons wuz scourin the country to get enuff niggers to
plant for us, but ez they each hed land uv their own, they
woodent do it. So uv course there wuz none uv any account
put in. The little that wuz put in won't amount to nothin, ez
we coodent git niggers enuff to tend it durin the growin season,
and the weeds took possession uv it entirely. Joe Bigler
sejested that ef we'd spend half the time plantin uv it that we
did holdin meetins to devise ways to get nigger labor, we'd
hev a bustin crop. But yoo know Josef; he's a lost carikter;
he works with his own hands. One uv the most tetchin sites
I ever beheld wuz at Bascom's early in May, jist after our
committee had returned from a frootlis search after hands to
do our plantin. The entire Corners wuz present; but there
wuz a settled gloom onto their faces, wich even the refreshments
they wuz consooming coodent entirely dissipate. They
wuz grooped about the bar-room ez yoosual. Elder Pennibacker
wuz a leanin in a chair, with his back on a table, in the
corner, and the others wuz a sittin on kegs in various parts
uv the room.
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“Wo is us!” sighed the Elder, puttin his feet onto a keg,
that he mite rest easier, and pensively squirtin tabacco jooce
at a fly on the wall opposite, “where is the labor to plant the
corn? We shel starve!”
“Alas!” sighed the Deeken, shiftin his seat to get so that
he cood cock his feet agin the wall. “Alas! the minits is
creeping on; day succeeds day, and no corn in yet.”
“Yes,” replied Issaker Gavitt, rollin over onto his belly,
and histin hisself up onto his elbows, “this is the froots uv
Ablishnism. Ten years ago, when we hed our niggers, we
hed our corn all in by this time, and wuz ready to put em to
plowin on it out. Now that we are dependent onto our
labor —”
And Issaker groaned, and rolled over onto his back.
And so we sot, and sot, and mourned.
The result uv wich is, that there ain't an acre uv good corn
in the entire section. Wood that the Ablishnists, wich brot
all this onto us, cood see the rooin they hev wrought.
The prevailin topic uv discussion sence yoo left us hez bin
the trouble with Pollock and a Ablishn frend uv hizzen who
lives in Springfield, Illinoy, the restin place uv that human
goriller, A. Linkin, growin out uv the bond question. Yoo
remember three years ago the Corporashen ishood its bonds,
bearin 6 per cent, for $2,000, to bild a lock-up; and a yeer later,
when it wuz found nessary to gravel the road betwixt the
Corners and the stashen at Secessionville, so ez to redoose the
freight on the whiskey consumed by us, we ishood bonds bearin
eight per cent., to the amount of $4,000, both ishoos runnin
twenty-five years. These bonds were taken by Pollock and
this frend uv hizzen.
Last yeer we paid the interest on these bonds, but this year
the people felt that the burden wuz too heavy. They could
not reconcile theirselves to the idea uv sweatin to support in
idle luxury the bloated bond-holders, and the populis murmured
agin it. Wat to do we didn't know, till finally Elder Pennebacker,
who borrows my paper reglerly, remarked, “Eureker—
I've got it!” He hed bin readin the Dimocratic proposition
to tax bonds, and a lite dawned onto him.
“We'll tax these bonds of Pollock's!” sed the Elder, “and
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thus releeve ourselves uv this thraldom to the money power.
Thank Heaven, the people hevn't yet parted with all their
power.”
The segestion wuz acted on to-wunst. The Council wuz
assembled, and by a yoonanymous vote an ordinance wuz passed
levyin a tax uv eight cents onto the dollar on all bonds ishood
by the corporashun for moneys borrowed uv all sorts.
Pollock wuz away when the ordinance wuz passed, and it so
happened that he returned the very day that his interest wuz
due. Immejitly he proceeded to the Trezrer's office, wich is
Captin McPelter's, with his coopons. Captin McPelter receeved
him blandly, and, puttin the coopons away, tendered
him in loo thereoff a receipt for $320 taxes on them sed
bonds.
“Wat is this?” ejackilated the astonished Pollock.
“Taxes!” returned McPelter, smilingly. “We hev assessed
a tax onto our bonds uv eight cents onto the dollar, wich, it
happens, is just wat yoor interest is. We skorn repudiation—
we shel pay principal and interest — but we hev the rite to
tax bonds, and tax em we will.”
“Is the tax eight cents on the dollar on all bonds uv the
corporashen?” asked Pollock.
“Trooly it is,” sed McPelter.
“I hold also the bonds ishood a year before these for buildin
a lock-up, but wich only bear six per cent. The tax pays the
interest and two per cent. over; what will you do with that
two per cent.?”
“Do with it?” exclaimed McPelter. “Why, we shel apply
it to the payment uv the principal, uv course. The entire
revenoo uv the corporation is pledged to the extinguishment
uv its debt, and we shel not be recreant to our trust.”
Pollock went away, but McPelter hed a new idea. He immejitly
called the Council together, and sejested that the tax
on the bonds ought to be twelve instead uv eight per cent., ez
that tax would not only pay the interest on the 8 per cent
bonds, but would extinguish the bonds theirselves. The six
per cent. bonds wood not only be eaten up, but would leave
Pollock in debt to the corporashen long before they wuz doo.
The way uv escape from our troubles wuz so very plain that
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the Council to-wunst acceeded to it; and notis wuz given Pollock
uv the new ackshen.
Immejetly the craven wretch wantid to sell the bonds to the
city at half ther face, but the proposition wuz rejected with
skorn. The Council passed a resolooshn rebooken him for
intimatin that the Corners wood not live up to its obligations.
“Ez much ez we loathe yoo,” remarked Elder Pennibacker,
the Municipal President, “we shall pay yoor bonds, dollar for
dollar, principal and interest; requiring yoo, however, to
bear sich taxation ez may be levied onto yoo.”
“But ez the tax eats up both interest and principal, what
do I get for my money?” askt the stiff-neckt man.
“The protection uv our laws!” thundered Pennibacker.
The people wuz so indignant at this Ablishnist meddler for
his objectin to so ekitable a proceedin that they mobbed his
store, and wood hev hung him, but fer the interference uv Joe
Bigler, who is alluz where he ain't wantid. Ez it wuz, he wuz
arrestid for breedin disturbances, and fined $20. He tendered,
in payment uv his fine, a corporashun bond, but the Justis
refoozed, very properly, to take it, and held him till he shelled
out a greenback from his ill-gotten hoards.
Pollock feels sore, but we don't. Releved from these bonds,
the Corners will hev no taxes to pay, and we confidently expect
a return uv the prosperity to wich we hev bin so long a
stranger.
Yours, with affeckshun,
Elkanah Pogram.
P. S. — Ef you get into a good thing and kin spare it, do
remit a porshen at least uv wat you owe me. Times is tite
here. E. P.
Ez I finisht his movin epistle, I cood not help thankin the
Lord that in one spot at least the Democracy practis wat they
preach. Thank Heaven for Kentucky.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
-- 600 -- p635-652
CLXXXII. MR. NASBY ATTENDS A CONVOCATION OF THE DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK.
Noo York, November 20, 1869.
[figure description] Page 600.[end figure description]
I attendid, by speshl invitashun, a meetin uv the inflooenshl
workin Democrats uv Noo York, wich wuz called to lay
out the work for the incomin Legislacher. The meetin wuz
held at Hiberny Hall, wich, ez the occasion wuz one relatin to
the Government uv the State and city uv Noo York, wuz perfoosely
decorated with the green flag uv Ireland, harps, sunbursts,
and other emblems uv a patriotic nacher, while a brass
band on the platform enlivened the perceedins by playin, at
regler intervals, “The Wearin uv the Green.”
Dennis Macarthy wuz called to the chair, and Patrick Maloney
wuz made secretary. Some one sejested a man named Biggins
for secretary, urgin that Biggins cood rite; but his name wuz
agin him, and Maloney wuz yoonanimusly chosen. It wuz
afterwards discovered that Biggins wuz really an Irishman, and
they immejitly made him assistant secretary. A committee,
consistin uv Messrs. O'Doherty, O'Malley, O'Grady, O'Toole,
and O'Shaughnessy, reported ez committee on resolushens,
Messrs. McShane, McDonoho, McGragan, McEvy, and McVay,
wich reported ez follows: —
That, representin the Democrasy uv Noo York, we demand
uv the new Legislacher the immejit repeel uv the Excise Law,
all the laws bearin on whiskey, all the laws takin control uv the
city uv Noo York out uv the hands uv the Democrisy uv the
city, the repeel uv all the Metropolitan poleece laws, and the
restorashen uv the appintin uv the poleece to the Mayor, where
it ought to be; in short, the repeel uv all the laws passed by
the Ablishun Legislachers uv the past ten years.
Mr. Patsy O'Brannon urged the passage uv the resolooshens
yoonanimusly. He shood, uv course, be a sargent in the new
poleece force, and in addishen to that he hed a brother wich
landid the day before the eleckshen, wich brother, like a troo
Amerikin, votid four times, wich must hev a place on the force.
-- 601 --
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He (Mr. O'Brannon) felt that he coodent support him much
longer, and onless he got his brother a place soon he wood hev
to go to work.
Mr. O'Shaughnessy wantid to know ef men landid in November,
and who hed only voted at one eleckshun, wuz to step in
and take office over the heads uv vetrans wich hed bin here
two and three years? Ef sich things —
Mr. Baldwin moved that no man be recognized ez eligible
for an offis, or even contrack, wich hed bin in the country less
than three months.
Mr. McShane shood vote agin that moshen. He hed one
brother to whom he hed written to come to-wunst, who wood
be cut out for three months if the moshen passed, and he
(McShane) coodent afford to board him so long.
Mr. McGrath should also oppose it. Anticipatin a repeel uv
the ojus laws wich hampered the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, he
hed got a frend to write to two brothers and four cousins to
sail immejitly, to fill posishens uv poleecemen and skool directors
and sich, and he hed another brother who wood come ez
soon ez his time wuz out in the prison at Liverpool, who must
be provided for. He wood vote for no sich moshen. It wuz lost.
Mr. O'Shaughnessy wanted a moshen instructin the Legislacher
to not only put the appintin power in the hand uv the
Mayor, but to immejitly double the poleece force uv the cities
uv the State wich hev Democratic majorities.
Mr. McCoole moved to amend, by requirin all sich cities to
commence to-wunst the buildin uv Court Houses, in which
shape it wuz carried.
Mr. McGeoghegan wished to call the attenshen uv the meetin
to the fact that the Mayor uv the city hed appinted two
janitors in the City Hall, one uv wich wuz born in Connecticut,
and the other in Noo Jersey. A committee wuz about to be
appinted to call upon the Mayor to remonstrate, when it wuz
made known that the places hed bin originally given to two
brothers named McGrath, who hed sold em to these men, and
the subjick wuz dropped.
Before the explanashen wuz made there wuz much feelin
manifested, but when the facts were made known three hearty
cheers wuz given the Mayor.
-- 602 -- p635-654
[figure description] Page 602.[end figure description]
Mr. O'Sullivan desired to know whether, with a Dimocratic
Legislacher, there wood be hangin for killin naygurs?
Mr. O'Shea remarked, in answer, that he didn't see wat the
Legislacher hed to do with that matter. Ther never hed bin
hangin in Noo York for nigger-killin, the Lord be praised, and
he hed no fears ther ever wood be.
Mr. O'Sullivan wuz pleased to know it. He hed bin in the
country but a short time, and did not fully understand the
customs. He rentid his house uv a naygur, but he shood pay
rent no more. It wuz acknowledgin ther superiority.
It wuz also resolved that to prevent mistakes and errors,
when the appintments for the different offises in the city come
to be made, that each applicant be required to state wich
county uv Ireland he comes from.
After some other bizness the meetin adjourned.
Wunst on a time a native uv a Western State, lookin at a
Democratic procession in this city, remarked ef he hed enuff
inflooence at Washinton he wood ask to be appinted Amerikin
Consul to Noo York. I see now the pint to the remark.
Ef I conclood to stay here I shel change my name to Michael,
practise the shellalah, and take to short pipes. O, why wuzn't
I born in Cork?
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
CLXXXIII. SETTLED AT LAST. — THE CITY OF NEW YORK TO BE HIS FINAL RESTING-PLACE.
In the 6th Ward uv Noo York, }
December 10, 1869.
The dove wich Noah sent out come back to the Ark becoz
the waters kivered the land; when the dove found a dry spot
it come back no more. I am a dove. I wuz sent out from the
Corners, but the prevalence uv water druv me back, time and
-- 603 --
[figure description] Page 603.[end figure description]
agen. Now, thank Heaven, I hev found a spot wher ther is no
water (at least I've never seen any used here for any purpose),
and here I stay. My foot hez found a restin-place.
I am the sole proprietor uv the “Harp uv Erin” saloon.
The original proprietor uv the “Harp uv Erin” died the
evenin uv the last eleckshun, much regretted by his politikle
assoshates. He hed only voted thirteen times, when in an
argyment techin the merits uv his candidate, ez compared
with his opponent for the nominashen, he wuz hit with a brickbat,
and died with his day's work half done. The man who
struck him wuz expelled from the society to wich he belonged
for killin an able-bodied Democrat before the closin
uv the polls.
How I got possesshen uv the s'loon I shel not state. Suffice
it to say, it became mine, and the stock likewise, and that I
shel never hev occashen to leave it. Here I shel live, and
here I shel die. Uv course I've decorated it to soot the tastes
uv my patrons. I took down the portrate uv Jackson, and cut
off uv the bottom the words, “The Yoonyun, it must and shel
be preserved!” and substitootid, “He serves his party best
who votes the most,” wich I read to those who drop in ez the
last words uv the Hero uv Noo Orleens. I hev an Irish flag
turned round an Irish Harp over the bar, and portrates
uv the Head Centres uv the Fenian Brotherhood, properly
wreathed, all about the room. On the end uv the bar, in the
spot where in other neyborhoods the water-pitcher stands, I
hev a box with a hole in the top uv it, inscribed, “Contribushens
for the benefit uv our suffrin brethren in English Basteels
may be dropped in here.” That box more than pays my rent.
Then I hev quite a cabinet uv sakred relics. I hev a piece uv
the rope wich hung John Brown; the identicle club wich
killed the first nigger in the riots uv July, 1863; a bullit fired at
the Triboon offis at that time, with other sooveneers dear to the
Democratic heart, wich attract many. These hang onto the
walls, and underneath them I hev the prices uv drinks inscribed,
with the stern, cold words, “No Trust.”
I inoggeratid my establishment last Wednesday nite. Rememberin
the terrible endin uv all my other innogerashens, I
declined at fust to make any formal openin; but my friends
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[figure description] Page 604.[end figure description]
insisted that it wuz the custom uv the ward, and that I must
do it.
“Nobody will buy yoor likker,” sed one, “ef yoo don't make
a regler openin.”
“Ef I make a regler openin,” sed I, “I won't hev a drop to
sell em. Stay — I hev it. I'll go before a Justis uv the Peece
and take a solemn oath not to drink anything myself that nite.”
“`Twon't do,” sed my friend. “Oaths don't count in this
ward.”
Various plans were sejestid. One gentleman proposed that
I shood be tied down so that I coodn't git at the likker, and
that he shood do the honors. His nose wuz agin him, and I
declined his proposishen. Finally I hit upon a plan. I calkilated
that twenty gallons wood anser, and I put that amount in
a barrel. The balance uv the stock I locked in a room, and
then put the key away in a drawer.
“There,” sed I, triumphantly, “afore that twenty gallons is
eggsausted I shel be too far gone to know where the key to the
room holdin the balance uv the stock is. Saved! saved!”
It resultid ez I anticipatid. At first we hed speeches and
toasts. Mr. O'Rafferty replide to the toast, “Our adoptid
country.” He sed the term, “Our adoptid country,” wuz a
happy one, fur so fur ez Noo York wuz conserned, the sons uv
Erin hed adoptid it. He hed bin charged with a lack uv love
fur this country. He repelled the charge with skorn. Why
shoodn't he love this country? In wat other country wuz
votes worth a dollar apeece? Where else cood sich a man ez
he hev so high a posishen ez Alderman, and only two yeers on
the grounds.
Mr. O'Toole jined in the sentiment. Where else under the
canopy cood a man like hisself, who coodn't read, be a skool
direcktor? He hed often bin thankful that he hed turned his
face toward Ameriky the minit his time wuz out in the prison
at Liverpool. Ther wuz less risk in holdin offis in Noo York
than in burglary in England, and the results wuz shoorer.
Ther wuzn't much more speech-makin. The drinkin went on
fast and furious tho, and ez I antissipatid, before the twenty
gallons wuz eggsaustid I wuz very drunk, and incapable uv
any effort, mental or physikle, and the others were in very
-- 605 -- p635-657
[figure description] Page 605.[end figure description]
much the same predicament. Four or five uv em did try to
rouse me to git more, but it wuz uv no use; they mite ez well
hev whispered Grey's elegy in the ear uv a dead mule. The
most uv em slept, ez I did, on the floor till mornin.
I shel be happy here. I hev the steddy patronage uv two
Aldermen, three skool direcktors, and four contractors, and
when the Mayor gits the appintin uv the poleece there will be
twelve poleecemen whose trade I kin count on. There in my
back room is where the preliminary caucuses fur the ward is
held, and I shel be paid fur wat the managers drink till I git
an offis myself. At last my lines is cast in pleasant places.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz P. M.).
CLXXXIV. MR. NASBY GIVES A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF HIS NEW ESTABLISHMENT.
6th Ward, Noo York, }
December 22, 1869.
I am perfectly and entirely happy; for I hev formed a number
uv deliteful acquaintances in this trooly grate city, wich
makes my pathway pleasant and cheerful. I hev added to the
decorashuns uv my bar portrates uv Sammon P. Chase,
Fernandy Wood, and Pendleton, one uv wich is shure to be our
standard-bearer in the next contest, wich colleckshun I shel
keep addin to ez I git the means. I hev a stiddy run uv trade,
and I am seldom alone, which soots me exactly. But few men
like to be alone. A man is bad company for hisself, for he
alone is the only one who knows percisely how cussed mean he
is. The two Aldermen who paternizes me pay ez they drink,
wich paternage alone is almost suffishent to support me, ez
they are conscienshusly industrious drinkers. They pay, not
becoz they hev any particular prejoodis in that direckshun,
but becoz money costs em nothin, and becoz, likin my face, they
hev a desire to keep me among em. One of em was pleased
-- 606 --
[figure description] Page 606.[end figure description]
to compliment me yesterday. “Nasby,” sed he, “that nose uv
yoors indicates more certenly yoor politicks than wat yoo
say. The heart is deceetful, and the tongue ofttimes speeks
what the heart doth not prompt; the nose kin never lie. It's
alluz safe to approach sich a nose with a cash offer to do dooty
ez a repeeter. Two more hot whiskeys, and one for yoorself
while yoo are at it.”
Isn't it a pleasure to mix drinks for one who combines
shrewd knowledge uv human nacher, whiskey, and ready pay,
in sich correct proportions? Uv course it is. But my buzzum
friend is Terrence O'Sullivan, who is perhaps the most regular
customer I hev. Mr. O'Sullivan is one uv the oldest Democrats
in Noo York, it hevin bin three years sence he left Cork.
It is not known wat he wuz before he left Ireland. Ther wuz
a pockitbook and a watch mixed up in it, the pertickelers uv
wich I never got. On his release, Mr. O'Sullivan perceeded to-wunst
to Noo York, and commenst life ez a laborer on an
excavashun on Broadway. Forchunitly six weeks after he
landed an eleckshun took place, and he immejietly got employment
ez a repeeter. Doorin the war he was engaged in
enlistin hisself under various names fur the bounty, the monotony
of wich ockkupashun he varied by occasional burglaries
and operations in the street on intoxicated Western men.
He hez bin second and bottle-holder in many prize-fights,
and hez an interest in two unpretendin faro banks and one
lottery shop.
Uv course Mr. O'Sullivan holds office. Hevin one hundred
and sixty-three votes at his control, he is skool direcktor, inspeckter
uv Boa Constrictors in Central Park, clerk to three
boards, and in addishen, hez a sub-contract for street cleanin.
Ez ther ain't no Boa Constrickters and no Boards, and ez the
streets are never cleaned, why, Mr. O'S. hez a tolerable soft
thing uv it, or wood hev were it not that he hez to divide his
salaries up among so many. But, nevertheless, he lives comfortably
and happy.
Mr. O'Sullivan hez a brother who is at this time an inmate
uv the State Prison at Sing Sing, for highway robbery, and
last Monday we went up to Sing Sing to see him. We arrived
jist ez the convicts was a marchin in to dinner, and took
-- 607 --
[figure description] Page 607.[end figure description]
posishen where we cood see em, so that Mr. O'S. cood point out
his unforchunit relative to me ez they passed.
“There he is — good Hevins!”
“Wat agitates you, my friend?” I asked.
“Look!” sed he, “the fourth man in the file.”
I saw at onct wat agitated him. His brother was the fourth
man in the sixth file, and side by side with that brother, a
white man, wuz — A NIGGER! both dressed exactly alike.
“Hevins!” ejackilated O'Sullivan, “is this thing permitted
in the Democratic State uv Noo York? Hev we fought nigger
ekality at the polls so many years to hev it practised here,
in a Democratic State under Democratic offishls?”
“And here, too, where only Democrats is degraded by it!”
I put in.
We sought out the Warden, and demandid that the infamous
practis be changed. The Warden sympathized with us, but
sed it coodn't be. There wuz no provision in the laws governin
the prisons uv the State for keepin niggers separate. “You
see,” he remarked, “it's only now and then that any uv the
degradid race git here, and there's no provision made for em.
It can't be helped.” “Then,” sed O'Sullivan, “do I understand
that the Democrisy uv Noo York city is to be continyooally
threatened with nigger ekality?”
“They are till the Legislacher changes it,” retorted the
Warden.
We left the prison shortly after that, Mr. O'Sullivan in a
most melankolly mood.
“Nasby,” sed he finally, after a silence uv perhaps half an
hoor, doorin wich time he wuz plunged in the deepest thought,
“Nasby, it's all up with me. I shel never break into a house,
or pick a pocket, or go through a drunken man agin. Wat I
have seen to-day hez determined me. I shel never agin take a
chance uv goin to Sing Sing. Why, it mite be my forchoon to
be put beside that nigger!”
And a shudder uv ill-concealed anguish agitated his frame,
and the strong man wept bitter teers.
I comforted him ez best I cood. I told him that should he
be arrestid for, say a murder, be tried and convicted, and sent
to the penetenshary, and be forced to march side by side with
-- 608 --
[figure description] Page 608.[end figure description]
a nigger, “the disgrace,” I sed, “won't be yoors, 'twill be the
infamous retches who put yoo there. If yoo shood, of your
own free will, put yourself on a level with a nigger, — for instance,
ef yoo shood buy of or sell to an Ethiopian, — then the
degredashen wood be yoors, for yoo mite hev asserted yoor
sooperiority. But in the case uv State's Prison, I reely think
yoo put too much stress onto it. In that case a sooperior power
compels yoo to this, and yoo ain't responsible. Were I in yoor
place — hed I sich promisin prospecks ez yoorn — I don't
think I shood permit this to stop me.”
But Mr. O'Sullivan wuz inflexible. He shood quit all practices
wich pinted in the direckshun uv a penetenshary, for it
would kill him to be compelled for a minit to eat, work, or walk
beside a nigger, even tho he wuz compelled to do it.
Then an idea struck me! Brilliant idees alluz do come to
me precisely the rite time. “Why, yoo cussed jackass!” sed
I, fallin onto his neck, “why do we talk uv this. Now that the
Democracy hez the Legislacher, and will hev the control uv the
city in all its departments, no Democrat who hez a dozen votes
back uv him will go to the penitenshary. But few of em did
afore, when the Ablishnists hed the poleece, but now that we
hev Judges, poleece, and all — why, my deer sir, the chances
is ez one to a million. Go on with yoor burglary, my sweet
Terence; go in and win, with no gaunt fear stalkin like a
spectre behind yoo.” Mr. O'Sullivan returned to the city with
me, comforted, that is ez to hisself. But he is determined that
the wrong shel be remedied. He declares it his purpose to
petishn to the Legislacher to pass an act makin seprit prizens
for niggers, that Democrats uv the city may not be perpetooally
menaced with the possibility that they may be compelled to
assoshate with em; or wot wood be still better, they wood hev
hangin made the only punishment for niggers, wich wood finish
the cusses to-wunst, and end all anxiety on their account. Sich
a petition is now hangin in my bar, and I read it to all who
cum in, and in no case hez any one uv em refoosed to make his
mark onto it. This will be the first reform the new Legislacher
will be called upon to make.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz P. M.).
-- 609 -- p635-661
CLXXXV. THE FRIENDS OF MR. NASBY HOLD A MEETING AND INDULGE IN A WAIL OVER THE PASSAGE OF THE FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT BY THE OHIO LEGISLATURE.
6th Ward, Noo York, }
January 24, 1870.
[figure description] Page 609.[end figure description]
The passige uv the 15th Amendment by the Ohio Legislacher
created a profound sensashen in this immejit visinity.
The news reached us in the afternoon, and that evenin a large
meetin wuz held in the back room uv my grosery to express
our views on the topic, the elect uv the Democrisy uv the ward
bein present. I wuz uv course called to the chair, and Tommy
Mick Farland, who wuz wunst a reporter, till an overpowerin
fondnis for likker preventid him from dischargin his dooties, and
who, ez he kin write, hez since made a livin by actin ez Sekretary
uv Dimekratic meetins in this ward, wuz made Sekretary.
Terence O'Grath, who is an under waiter at the Astor
House, remarked that his sole wuz filled with woe. The passage
uv the Amendment, by the Ohio Legislacher, settled the
question uv nigger suffrage. From this time forward a menial
race, only fitted by nacher to do menial offices for others, wood
be placed on a ekality with him. It wuz degradin to the
race uv freemen to wich he belonged, and for one he wood
never, no, never submit. Mr. O'Grath wood hev continyood
his remarks, but he wuz cut short by the entrance uv the head
waiter, who cussed him viggerusly for bein away from his
place, and ordered him instantly to leeve. “Who's brushin
the gentlemen's coats, and pullin off their boots, and sich,
while yoor here blatherin?” indignantly ejackilated the head
man, ez Mr. O'Grath meekly left the room.
Timmy Brannon, a drayman, remarkt that he wuz entirely
discouraged. Only last week he hed bin arrestid and fined for
beatin his hoss over the head with a dray pin, and now kin
nothin be dun to check these outrages?
Thomas Patterson, Esq., a gentleman known in pugilistic
circles ez “Patty the Lifter,” wantid to know whether he wuz
-- 610 --
[figure description] Page 610.[end figure description]
to be compelled to go to the polls twenty times a day beside
niggers? “Blast my heyes,” remarkt Mr. Patterson, vehemently,
“I'll go back to Hold Hingland first!”
Mr. Phelim Malloy remarkt that so far ez Noo York wuz concerned
he didn't know ez 'twood make any diffirence. He
wuz entirely shoor that no nigger wood ever vote in the Sixth
Ward, anyhow, ez we don't allow only sich white men to vote
ez we want to hev vote. But —”
“But s'posen they'll all vote the Dimocrathic tikket?” sung
out an Alderman.
“That woodent's do us any good,” retorted Mr. Malloy. “So
long ez we kin repate ez often ez needs be, and stuff into the
boxes ez many votes ez we want, wat do we want uv more
voters? What he wuz about to say wuz, that while it wooden't
affect us in Noo York, his sole run out in pity towards the
Dimocrisy in the Ablishen distriks, who wood be compelled to
vote with niggers, — compelled to stan by helplis, and see the
ballot-box thus degradid.”
At this pint there wuz a gineral expreshun uv joy, okkashund
by the entrance uv Mr. John Sykes, who hed jist arrived from
Sing Sing, where he hed been incarcerated two years for burglary,
which wuz complicatid with shootin the individjooel whose
house he wuz burglin. His bein convicted and sentenced wuz
owin to the fact that he hed opposed the nominashen ov the
Judge afore whom he wuz tried. Mr. Sykes wuz, uv course,
indignant at the unfair treetment he had experienced, but he
wuz more profoundly affectid at the politikle sitooashen than
he wuz at his privit wrongs. “Thunder! To think,” sed he,
“uv sich a mass uv ignorence, vishusness, and crime bein elewated
up to us. Ef 'twant for some little matters connectid
with a half dozen house-breakins in Lunnun, I'd go back on the
next steamer ez sails.”
And Mr. Sykes actilly wept.
At this pint an unfortunit difference occurred. Alderman
O'Fallon wuz offerin a resolooshen protestin agin the assoshatin
uv free men with the lower and more vishus classes ez tendin
to corrupt the sanctity uv the ballot, when Mr. Patsey Carney
entered. “Pay me the money ye promised me for the ten
votes I brot ye off the emigrant ship last fall, ye spalpeen!”
-- 611 --
[figure description] Page 611.[end figure description]
“I've paid it twice, ye blaggard; and, be gorra, there wuz only
nine uv em, and one uv them wuz a legal voter, for wich ye
hed no right to ask pay for!” retortid O'Fallon.
“To the divil wid yez!” remarkt Carney, goin for him. Uv
course the entire meetin jined in the scrimage. It lastid twenty
minits, resultin in the breakin uv every chair in the room,
a two-gallon jug, and twelve or fourteen heads. That relic uv
Ablishen misrool, the Metropolitan Poleece, kum in and stopt
the row, takin away ten men, nine uv wich I knowd hed money
in their pockets, wich, hed they stayed an hour, I shood hev
got. It wuz exasperatin.
Two uv my stiddy customers, who hed bin overcome early
in the afternoon, and who hed jist got up out uv the straw
which I keep in a room for the accommodashen uv sich, insistid
that they'd never consent to givin uv polittickle power to the
degradid wretches. They felt that the very proposishen was
a outrage. “Besides,” one uv em remarked, “wat effeckt will
the makin uv sich an army uv new voters hev upon the price
uv votes? Ef they vote at all in this city they'll hev to vote
with us. Will they immejitly demand their share uv the offices?
Imagine my bein arrestid for vagrancy by a nigger poleceman!”
And the very thought so shockt him that he rusht out into
the bar-room and took a whisky strate, forgettin, in his excitement,
to pay for it.
Resolooshens were introdoost and passed, denounsin the
ackshen uv Ohio, and exhortin Noo York to stand firm in her
rescindin uv the ratificashn. Addishnel resolooshens wuz
passed, demandin uv the Legislacher uv Noo York a stricktly
Democratic government. We insisted upon the immejit repeel
uv the Excise Law, the Metropolitan Poleece laws, the laws preventin
crooelty to animals, the health laws, the dividin uv the
Skool Fund among the Catholic churches, and all the laws which
tend to keep Ablishnists in office, to the injoory uv the s'loon
keepers uv Noo York. This last mentioned class wuz added
at my instance. Ef the poleecemen on this beat wuz all taken
from my patrons, ez they will be when the change finally comes,
wat a good thing I wood hev uv it. Imagine twenty or thirty
men, all on good salaries, and with power to arrest and go
-- 612 -- p635-663
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through jest sich ez they please, and all uv em spendin half or
three quarters uv their time in my bar-room! Majestic prospeck!
Governor Hoffman wood insist upon hurryin up this
thing ef he realized how much we who electid him are losin
by his non-ackshen.
My biznis is tollable only. My customers are gettin in the
habit uv remarkin to me, “jist mark it down,” after takin a
drink, which, sence I stand inside uv a bar, I find to be a most
disgustin thing. And then my custom is bein divided. Sence
the Democratic victory in November makes a change in the
control uv the city certin, five stores in the immejit visinity uv
my place hev bin changed into s'loons, and each one draws
off suthin from me. But yit I make no doubt I shel git along.
My landlord will be a candidate for Alderman next spring, and
he can't afford to bother me very much for rent, and I am bizy
establishin a credit at half a dozen wholesale lickker stores. I
shel worry along.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
CLXXXVI. MR. NASBY IN A DESPONDENT FRAME OF MIND.
Looisville (wich is in the State of Kentucky), }
February 9, 1870.
I don't know that reely there's any more yoose in livin on
this earth. The Fifteenth Amendment is adoptid, and a nigger
Senator will take the seat in the Senit wunst okkepied by
that marter, Jeffson Davis. It's about time for me to go hentz—
I hev no desire to remane. I wood like to stay long enough
to consoom the contents uv a red-headed barrel in the backroom
uv my blessid grosery in Noo York, into wich I hain't, ez
yet, put no water, and probably I will. I think I shel go
home, shut myself up in that back room, drink that partikeler
barrel dry, and fall dead across it. Like Sardanapulus, my
kingdom being gone, my funeral pile shel be my throne.
-- 613 --
[figure description] Page 613.[end figure description]
I came on to Kentucky to aid by my counsel the Dimocrisy
uv that State in the present crisis. The nigger Revel hez a
seat in the Senit uv the Yoonited States, and, uv course, no
white Kentucky Dimocrat kin so degrade hisself ez to set in
that body beside him. I expected, uv course, that Garret
Davis and McCreery wood immejitly resine, and ez no native
born Kentucky Dimocrat wood take the place, and ez Kentucky
could not afford to be representid by a Ablishnist, it
okkurred to me that possibly there mite be a chance for me.
I am a Northern Dimocrat by birth, and Northern Dimocrats
have alluz done sich work for the Southerners ez the Southerners
countid too dirty for em. The only thing wich cood
stand in the way wuz the fact that I left Kentucky a year ago,
and am now a citizen of Noo York. But wat uv that? I kin
swear I am a citizen uv Kentucky — I hev bin in Noo York
politics enuff to be able to swear to anything.
At all events I went on to my old State, and got together a
caucus uv the Dimocratic members uv the Legislacher to consider
this thing.
The Chairman uv the caucus remarkt that the signs uv the
times indikated trouble. Kentucky, ef that nigger wuz admitted
to the Senit, wuz virchually disfranchised, for uv course
Davis and McCreery cood not remain in their seats beside him.
No Kentucky gentleman wood disgrace his proud State by
practically takin to his buzzum a male member uv an inferior
race — acknollegin his equality, and workin quietly with
him. Never! Sooner than see this he wood be willin to see
the States further South inoggerate another struggle for their
rites, in the event uv wich, Kentucky, troo to the Yoonyun,
ez before, wood preserve a strict and dignified nootrality by
sellin horses and provender impartially to both armies. He
hoped the gentlemen wood express their views freely.
A gentleman from the eastern part of the State offered the
following preamble and resolushen: —
“Wareas, The Senit of the Yoonited States is about to admit
to a seet in that body a nigger; and,
“Wareas, No Kentucky Dimocrat wood degrade hisself by
sittin beside a nigger; therefore,
“Resolved, That Hon. Garret Davis be instructed to resine
to-wunst.”
-- 614 --
[figure description] Page 614.[end figure description]
The resolooshuns passed to-wunst, without a dissentin voice,
and were sent by telegraph to the Senators at Washington,
after wich I begged permission to offer a remark. I sed that
uv course no Kentuckian cood be found to take them places
made vacant by the two eminent men who wuz about to leeve
the Senit, but nevertheless Kentucky coodent afford to go unrepresented.
Is there no Northern man uv Kentucky principles
who will rush to the front at this crisis?
Twenty gentlemen sprang to their feet. The one who got
the eye uv the chairman remarkt that Kentucky shood alluz be
represented by Kentuckians. Davis and McCreery cleerly
ought not to stay. They shood resine to-wunst ez a protest
agin this outrage, but ef Kentuckians cood be found who
wood accept the places they should be found. Takin em, ez
they wood, ez a necessity, there woodent be the stigma attached
to em that there wood be to the present incumbents ef they
shood remane, and possibly sich mite be found.
The Chairman doubted whether there wuz a Kentuckian
who hed so little respeck for hisself. Ef a Kentuckian wuz
selected, it should be from the membership uv the Legislacher.
He felt that it wuz the dooty uv some two uv em to sacrifice
theirselves on the altar uv their State. It wood be a bitter
degredashun for a man, filled with the memories uv the past,
to choke down nateral pride, and take a seet by a nigger, but
some one must do it. He wood sejest that the members proceed
with system in this matter. Let us designate, by ballot,
our wishes. Let us vote for a man to fill the place to be made
vacant by G. Davis, and let the member upon whom this dooty
devolves accept the sacrifice in the troo Kentucky sperit.
Gentlemen, prepare your ballots for a successor to Davis, and
get ready to shed a friendly teer over the fate uv the man
upon whom the degredashun falls.
This wuz agreed to, each member remarkin that no matter
who wuz chosen, there wuz no law to compel him to be electid
and set beside a nigger.
The members each voted; the votes were counted out, and,
horror! EACH MEMBER HED PRECISELY ONE VOTE, and the loosenis
uv the hand-writin on the tikkits made it painfully certin that
each member hed votid for hisself! Ez my hopes wuz bustid,
-- 615 -- p635-666
[figure description] Page 615.[end figure description]
I coodent help singin out that a more self-sacrificin body uv
men I never saw!
Then commenst the most fearful squabble I ever witnest.
Gentlemen got by the ears, and pistols wuz drawd, but jist ez
they were gettin ready for a sekkond ballot, a dispatch wuz
received from Davis and McCreery, statin that while they appreshiated
the degredashen uv their sitooashen, and felt it
keenly, nevertheless, ez Kentucky must be represented in
the Senit, they rather thought they woodent resine at all! Ef
they knowd their own hearts they thought they'd hold on to
their seets. They might as well be sacrificed as anybody.
The gentlemen mostly remarked “H—l!” as this epistle
wuz read to em, and disperst without the formality uv an adjournment.
I hevent ez much faith in Dimocrisy ez I yoost to hev. I
sposed that when that nigger wuz finally admitted, that evry
Democrat in the Senit wood resine; but wat do I find? Not
one hez done it, and whole Legislachers uv Democrats are
willin to take seats beside him!
Wat kin we expect when men are so recreant to their manhood?
Is it any wonder that I am tired uv life? I shel go
home to Noo York to-wunst.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz P. M.).
CLXXXVII. THE FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT.
Harp uv Erin S'loon, 6th Ward, }
Noo York, April 2, 1870.
The proclamation uv the President announcin the ratification
uv the Fifteenth Amendment prodoosed a profound sensashen
in this Ward.
It wuz told to our people by a reporter uv a daily paper at
11 o'clock this mornin, and it got pretty well around among us
-- 616 --
[figure description] Page 616.[end figure description]
by 3 this afternoon, wich wuz tollably rapid, considerin that
intelligence in this Ward hez to be conveyed orally. In the
afternoon it wuz resolved that a meetin be held in the evenin
to consult ez to wat ackshen the Dimocrisy shood take in the
matter, wich wuz akkordingly so done. I hed the back room
lit up, the barrels moved into a safe place under the strongest
kind uv locks, and the bar closed and draped in mournin in
token uv the hoomiliashen wich I felt had fallen onto the people
in consekence uv this outrage. I hung crape onto the
door; I put crape around the portraits uv Jaxon, Chief Justis
Chase, Bookannon, and Fernandy Wood, and likewise around
the bottles and over the red-headed barrel, wich gave the
establishment a highly funereal and mournful look wich wuz
entirely satisfactory.
In the evenin the Dimocracy assembled, and a more enraged
gatherin I never saw. They wuzn't jist clear ez to wat the
President hed done; indeed the most uv em wuz labrin under
the impreshn that the enfranchisement uv the nigger wuz
the work uv the Democratic Legislacher at Albany, and
ther wuz indicashens uv a determinashen to go thro some
of the houses uv the Dimocratic members in this city, but I
stopt em by tellin em the strate uv it.
I asoomed the chair, uv course, and hed, in addishen, to do
the dooties uv Sekretary, bein the only one then in the meetin
who cood write.
Teddy McGinnis remarked that he felt a hoomiliashen wich
wuz actooally beyond expreshen. The dirty nagur wuz now
his ekal. The only difference between em hed bin removed
by this infamus law. Does any one spose that he'd iver
consint to vote all day beside niggers? Niver! He called
upon the Dimocracy to jine him in a croosade agin em. “Follow
me,” sed Teddy, “and in Noo Yorrick, at least, we won't
be bothered with nagur suffrage, be gorra.”
Pat McLaughlin held simlar views. Sooner than vote beside
nagurs, he'd relinquish the biznis uv votin altogether, and go
to sawin wood. Repeetin is a good enuff biznis, and the small
conthract wich he hed, ez a reward thereof, wuz betther, but
he coodent stand nagurs, nor woodent. His voice wuz for
killin uv em.
-- 617 --
[figure description] Page 617.[end figure description]
The others made similar speeches, when Sandy McGuire
offered a resolooshen that the offerin uv a vote by a nagur be
considered ez a declarashen uv war agin the Democracy uv
Noo York, and that they then be immegitly exterminated.
Sandy wuz for no half-way measures. He remembered the
glorious Jooly days in 1863, when the Democracy uv Noo York
assertid itself. He hed assisted in destroyin the nagur orphan
asylum; with this good rite hand he hed beat out the brains
uv two nagurs, to say nothin uv the wimin and children
wich he didn't consider worth countin. He longed to get at
em agin.
The meetin bein all so yoonanimus in their feelin, I wrote
the follerin resolooshens: —
“Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, considerin and
beleevin the nigger to be a beast, a burlesk on hoomanity, and
incapable uv dischargin any uv the dooties uv citizenship, do
hereby protest agin his bein give the ballot on an ekality with
white men.
“Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, ruther than
submit to this degredashen, pledges itself to the exterminashen
uv the accussid race.”
The resolooshens wuz adoptid without a dissentin voice, and
the enthoosiastic McGuire, brandishin a shillala, rushed out
and attackt a couple uv niggers wich wuz passin, and knockin
em down, stamped onto em vigrously with his boots, exclaimin
the while, “Want to vote, do yez!”
The meetin wuz about to break up, when Tim O'Grady, a
man uv Fernandy Wood's, come rushin in. He hed heard uv
the meetin, and come immejitly to see about it. I told him in
a breath wat hed bin done. “Thunder!” he remarkt to me
in a whisper, “this won't do. Yoo eggrejis old ass, the
niggers hev votes, and will vote now in spite uv us. We
must git em, for without em, with all the rebels disfranchised,
wat kin we do in the Southern States? Call the meetin to
order agin.”
I didn't like the tone uv his alloosion to me, but I called the
meetin to order onct more.
O'Grady remarked to em that there hed bin a misunderstandin.
He felt ashoored that the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, alluz
-- 618 --
[figure description] Page 618.[end figure description]
the friends uv the oppressed and down trodden, wood now
genrously extend a helpin hand to our colored brethren jist
elevated to full citizenship. The Dimocrisy hed not assisted
in their elevashen, but they hed no feelin agin our brethren
uv color. When our colored brethren come to analyze the
matter, they wood love the Dimocrisy the more for not doin uv
it. He wood move the substitooshen uv the follerin resolooshen
for the one wich hed bin unadvisedly passed: —
“Resolved, That the Democrisy uv Noo York hail with a feelin
uv pleasure wich we hev no words to express, the elevashen
uv our colored fellow-citizens to full citizenship, and that we
pledge ourselves to pertect em in the enjoyment uv ther
newly-found rites.”
The meetin didn't want to pass it. The feelin agin em wuz
too deep sot to be rooted out in a minit, but O'Grady wuz
determined. O, wat a minit wuz that! Wuz the niggers to
be killed by us, or wuz they to be taken to our buzzums.
Ther fate hung tremblin in the balance? Finally it wuz put
to vote, and the niggers wuz safe. By one majority the resolushen
wuz passed.
At that minit a groan wuz heard outside.
“What is that,” asked O'Grady.
“Some nagurs I jist now bate!” remarks McGuire.
“Beatin niggers!” sed O'Grady. “Good Lord, bring em in.”
And he rushed out and brought in the two unfortunates.
They were badly banged up about the face, and breast, and
stumick, and legs, but O'Grady wuz ekal to the emergency.
He washed their wounds, and revived em with whiskey, and
bound up ther sores, and finally sot em on ther feet.
“McGuire!” sed he, when he hed the work finished,
“McGuire, embrace em.”
McGuire hed his shillala in his hand. Never did I see a man
so torn with contendin emoshens. Nateral instinks compelled
him to drop that shillala on their heds ez usual, but the
politikle considerashens restraned him. Twict under O'Grady's
eye he lowered it, until at last he dropt it, and fell sobbin with
emoshen onto their buzzums.
I took the crape off the door, bottles, and picters, and
immejitly illoominated in honor uv the event, and the next
-- 619 -- p635-670
[figure description] Page 619.[end figure description]
mornin I put up a placard at my door, “No distinkshen at this
bar on account uv color. Ekal rites!”
The ward committee is takin prompt and vigerous ackshen
to secoor this vote. They hev adoptid the same means they
yoose to control ther other vote. They hev already startid ten
s'loons, run by colored men, to wich they give all the profits,
and are arrangin ten more. There will be a nigger or two put
onto the police to-wunst. The force will be increased enuff to
make room for these new ones, ez we darsn't discharge any uv
the Irish. I'm goin for em also. Those wich I kin git to drink
my likker will vote my tikket. It will fetch em sure.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
CLXXXVIII. MR. NASBY ATTEMPTS TO GET POSSESSION OF THE NEGRO VOTE.
Harp uv Erin S'loon, in the Sixth Ward, }
Noo York, April 12, 1870.
The Noo York World, in a recent ishoo, remarkt that the
Nigger vote must come to us, becoz the Dimocrisy had alluz
hed success in managin the ignerant and degradid classes.
This determined us to set about sekoorin the vote uv the nigger
populashen in our ward immejitly. Father McGrath insisted
that it be done to-wunst, becoz the minit they become
Dimokrats the way wuz paved for their comin under the speritooal
direckshen uv the Catholic Church; Timmy McGee insisted
that it shood be done bocoz the element, ef opposed to
us, mite become dangerous; Timmy O'Ryan, becoz we hed
either to incorporate em into our ranks or kill em, and he
didn't beleeve it wood pay to raise another riot jist now; and
I wantid em attached to our party becoz I wantid em in front
uv my bar reglerly.
We decided that the shoorest way to git at em wood be to
-- 620 --
[figure description] Page 620.[end figure description]
git one nigger interestid with us, who wood serve ez a decoy
duck to bring in the others. We wantid a nigger to assoshate
with; to embrace and sich; to show other niggers that we
cood and wood affilyate with em. We hed a terrible time a
gittin uv it startid, however. We got one uv that race in my
back room, and attempted to argoo the questions uv the hour
with him, confident in our ability to crush him by facts into
submishen to our doctrines, but the mizable devil pulled out
uv his pockit a copy uv the Constooshn, and askt Teddy the
Lifter to read and constroo a sentence therein, which finisht
that pertikler effort. Teddy, and Patsy O'Rourke, and Micky
Doolan, who hed him in hand, startid back at the site uv that
book ez tho they hed been shot. The cuss cood read, and
wat cood any uv em do with sich a man?
We caught a sick nigger, and hed him in tow three days.
We nussed him, and fed him, and hed in a doctor for him,
wich doctor give him medicine and Dimocrisy in ekal doses,
all uv wich he seeminly gulped down with ease. We got him
on the skore uv gratitood, and he went away, promisin that he
wood jine us, but the second day he came back, and laid down
on the bar twenty dollars, with the remark that that sum wood
pay for all the cost and trouble we hed been to on his
account.
“What do yoo mean?” sed I, sternly, sweepin the money
into the drawer, however, to make sure uv that.
Bustin into a paroxysm uv teers, he remarkt that ez low and
mean a nigger ez he wuz, he coodent reely jine us. It wuz unfair
in us, he sed, to take advantage uv his illness to put him
under obligashens to us.
“I can't be a Dimokrat,” he sobbed, claspin his hands piteously,
“I can't, reely. I hev a gray-haired mother livin, and
a younger sister! I can't! I can't! for I'm spectably connected!”
And he rushed out. It wuz forchnit for him that I wuz
alone at that time.
All our efforts to sekoor a Ethiopian to our standard seemed
to come to naught, and we wuz just on the confines uv despair,
when one mornin Johnny O'Shoughnessy came rushin in, exclaimin,
“I've got it — I've got it!”
-- 621 --
[figure description] Page 621.[end figure description]
“Got wat?” I askt.
“The nigger we want. In the Polece Court there's a nigger
up for drunkenness, vagrancy, steelin, assault and battery,
and some other things, and ez he hezn't a blasted cent, uv
course he'll be sent up in short metre. We kin git him shoor,
ef we go about it quickly. I got the Judge to hold on a bit
till I cood see you.”
To-wunst I seed a lite. Rushin frantically down to the
court-room, I gave myself ez bail for his appearance, wich the
Judge, who is a politikle friend of mine, acceptid, without
question, and seezin the nigger by the coat collar, I hustled
him off to my place in triumph. Tim Doolan spoke up.
“Will yoo,” sez Tim, “ef we get yoor discharge, promise to
alluz vote the Dim —”
“Hold!” sez I quickly, for I wuz afeerd Tim's thoughtless
precipitancy mite rooin all. “Hold! He ain't in condishen to
hev that question put to him. Wait a minnit. I understand
wat's required to make a convert better than yoo do.”
And seezin a bottle from behind the bar I put it to his lips.
The nigger drank with a eagernis wich gave me hope. Teddy
spoke up agin, —
“Will yoo promise to alluz vote —”
“Hold!” sed I. “He hain't enough. Drink!”
And the nigger emptied the bottle.
“Now,” sed I, “are yoo willin to promise to alluz vote the
Dimocratic tikkit; to labor with your colored brethren to
bring em into the fold uv the Dimocrisy, and to do your level
best to promote the interests uv the Dimocratic party, now and
forever?”
The nigger, by this time crazy drunk (the likker wuz from
my own private bottle and unwatered), swore that he would
promise all this. “Gib me some mo' dat whiskey,” he shrieked.
I gave him another bottle, and in fifteen minits he wuz
sleepin the deep sleep wich the tite man only knows.
In about four hours he awoke, and I thought it time to approach
him on the main question.
“Ceezer,” I remarkt, “you must commence yoor work to-nite.
We shel git up a meetin uv colored men at this place
for the purpose uv organizin a Colored Democratic Club, and
you must address em.”
-- 622 --
[figure description] Page 622.[end figure description]
“Must I indoose em to jine a Dimocratic Club?” he asked.
“Certinly.”
“Did I promise to do it?”
“Certinly,” I replied; “and, my buck, yoo'd better keep that
promise or I'll hev yoo back in the dock at the Polece Court
in a jiffy.”
“I'll do it,” sed he, with the desperate air uv one who hed
determined that life ain't worth livin for, and is prepared for
anything. “I'll do it, but I must hev likker enuff to drown my
con — wich is to say, give me nerve.”
“Certinly,” I replied, “all the likker you want, but speek
yoo must.”
The nite come, and there wuz a decent show uv niggers in
the back room. But the speeker! Alas! he wuz too far gone
to speek, and I hed to dismiss em.
The next mornin he swore he never wood do it; and to git
him to the pint uv consentin I give him more likker, and he
got drunk again, and so on it went, all the week. The fix we
wuz in wuz suthin like this: —
1. We coodent approach a nigger who hed any standin or
inflooense.
2. When we capcherd sich a wun, he woodent hev anything
to do with us when he wuz sober; and to hold him, we hed to
keep him drunk.
3. When drunk enuff to stay with us, he wuz too drunk to
do wat we wantid.
After squandrin on this poor wretch at least a half barrel
of ez good likker ez ever soothed my shrinkin sole, I wuz compelled
to hev him re-arrested and sent up for a year or two. I
coodent stand no sich drain on my finances, nor cood I bear to
see so much likker wastid on a nigger.
The cuss took his sentence joyfully. “It's hard,” he sed,
“but it's better than wat yoo perposed.”
This nigger question is the problem uv the age. How it
will be solved puzzles me. May Heaven send us wisdom.
Petroleum V. Nasby
(wich wuz Postmaster).
-- 623 -- p635-674
CLXXXIX. A FEW LAST WORDS. — THE WRITER HEREOF BIDS HIS READERS FAREWELL, AND HURLS A TRIFLE OF EXHORTATION AFTER THEM.
Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 12, 1870.
[figure description] Page 623.[end figure description]
Poets hev remarked a great many times, too tejus to enoomerate,
that “farewell” is the saddist word to pronounce wich
hez to be pronounst. It may be so among poets, wich are
spozed to be a continyooally carryin about with em a load uv
sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich; but I hev never found it
so. The fact is, it depends very much on how yoo say it,
under wat circumstances, and to whom. Wen, in my infancy,
I wuz inkarseratid in the common jail uv my native village, in
Noo Jersey, a victim to the prejudisis uv twelve men, who
believed, on the unsupportid testimony uv three men, and the
mere accident uv the missin property bein found in my possession
(notwithstandin the fact that I solemnly asshoored em
that I didn't know nothin about it, and if I did it, it must
hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I hed bin guilty uv
bustin open a grosery store, and takin twelve boxes of cheroot
cigars, I asshoor yoo that, at the end uv the sentence, —
hevin bin fed on bread and water, — the sayin of farewell to
the inhuman jailer wuzn't at all onpleasant. Likewise, when,
in the State uv Pennsylvany, in the eggscitin campane uv
1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminent and gilelis
patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz hauled up therefor, and
sentenced by a Ablishn Judge to a year in the Western Penitentiary,
after an elokent speech, in wich I reviewed the
whole question at issue between the parties, and ashoored
him that my triflin irregularity in the matter uv votin grew
out uv an overweenin desire for the salvashen of my beloved
country, — that, feelin that rooin wuz ahead uv us, onless that
leveler Fremont wuz defeated, I felt that my conshence wood
not be easy onless I did all in my power to avert the evil, —
when I emerged from them gloomy walls, with one soot of
-- 624 --
[figure description] Page 624.[end figure description]
close, and a tolable knowledge uv the shoemakin biznis, wuz
it a sad thing for me to say “Farewell” to the grim jailer,
whose key turned one way wuz liberty, and tother way wuz
captivity? Nary.
These two instances, I beleeve, is the only ones in wich I
hev ever hed to say farewell. In the course uv my long and
checkered career (I do not here allood to the style uv clothin
in the Penitentiary), I am, when I think uv it, surprised at
the comparatively few times wich I ever left a place at wich I
hed bin stayin, in daylite! I ginerally went in the nite, —
“Foldin my tent like the Arab,
And ez silently steelin away,”
hevin too much sensibility to be an onwillin witnis uv the
agony of landladies, when they diskivered that I cood not
pay. Knowin the softnis uv my heart, I hev alluz hed a great
regard for my feelins.
I bid my readers farewell in a period uv gloom rarely
ekalled, and never surpast, for the Democrisy. Never in my
recollekshun wuz the party in sich a state uv abject cussitood.
The Northern States have slipt from our grasp one by
one, ontil none remains wich we kin fondly call ourn. The
Border States are losin their Dimocrisy, and rallyin under the
black banner uv Ablishinism; and the States which we kin
control hevent got strength enuff to do any more than to send
a few Senators and Representatives to Congress, wich don't do
us no good. They are very like the itch, — they irritate, but
don't kill.
The Fifteenth Amendment is now a law, and the nigger
votes. The Nigger Votes! Ther ain't no doubt about it.
The Dimocrat uv Kentucky, uv Ohio, uv Noo York, and Injeany
must, from this time hentzforth and forever, go to the poles
beside niggers, and must stand by calmly, and put his ballot
into the box beside theirn! Wat degredashen! Lovejoy wuz
killed in vain, and the mobbins uv Garrison, and Baily, and
the other apossels uv Ablishnism goes for naught. Methinks
I see the gosts uv Lovejoy, and Lundy, and John Brown, a
hoverin in the air, and clappin their sperit hands, and shoutin
in sperit voices, Halleloojy! Methinks I see over agin em the
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gosts uv Wigfall, and Mason, and the other worthies, wringin
their sperit hands, and sheddin speritooal tears! Niggers at
the ballot-box — niggers on joories — niggers in offis — niggers
on railroads — niggers in churches — niggers everywhere!
Thank Heaven I am an old man, and can't live long,
anyhow. I hev fought a good fight — but, Heavens! how I
hev bin walloped.
Nevertheless, Dimocrisy will not die. It hez endoored sich
defeats afore, and hez survived. So it will this time. It is
passin through the valley and the shadder now, but it will
emerge yit in the sunlite uv victry. Suthin will come in
time, — what, I can't, with any degree uv certinty, now state;
but suthin will come. The Ablishnists cannot alluz rool. The
cuss uv the old Whig party wuz, that the respective individooal
members thereof cood read and write, and hed a knack
uv doin their own thinkin, and therefore it could not be brot
into that state uv dissipline so nessary to success ez a party.
That same cuss is a hangin onto the Ablishnists. They hung
together from 1856 to 1860 coz there wuz wat they called a
prinsipple at stake; and on that prinsipple they elected Linkin.
They wood hev fallen to peeces then, but our Southern
brethren decided to commence operashens for the new goverment
it hed so long desired; and the overwhelmin pressur
uv the war smothered all miner ishoos and all individooal
feelin, and they hung together long enough to see that thro.
But now that question is settled. The nigger — cuss him —
is free, and hez the legitimit result of freedom, the ballot.
The iron bond wich held em together is gone, and they will
split, and our openin is made.
We hev a solid phalanx, wich they can't win over or detach
from us. We hev them old veterans who voted for Jaxon,
and who are still votin for him. We hev them sturdy old yeomanry
who still swear that Bloo Lite Fedralism ought to be
put down, and can't be tolerated in a Republikin Goverment,
and who, bless their old souls! don't know no more what Bloo
Lite Fedralism wuz than an unborn baby does uv Guy Fawkes.
We hev that solid army uv voters whose knees yawn hidjusly,
and whose coats is out at elbows, and whose children go barefoot
in winter, while their dads is a drinkin cheap whiskey, and
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damin the Goverment for imposin a income tax. We hev the
patriotic citizins whose noses blossom like the lobster, and we
hev Ireland. There is ships a sailin the bloo sea forever, and
so long ez a Irishman kin git to the coast with money enuff to
pay a passage to Ameriky, so long we kin depend on reinforcements.
The Pope uv Rome is our friend, and so long ez ther
is a Pope and a distillery, so long will there be a Dimokratic
party in the Yoonited States.
These classes argyment won't move, and reasonin won't tetch.
They alluz hev ben ourn, and they alluz will. In this country
ther will alluz be two parties, and these elements will alluz act
with us, becoz they are naterally ourn. They belong to our
organizashen, and woodent be comfortable anywhere else.
They will be with us in obejence to that law in Nacher wich
puts evrything in its proper place. We hev the proper assosiashens
for these classes, and no others. Nacher never wastes
nothin — she gives us all we kin enjoy. The bird that soars
into the bloo empyrium wuz made to soar into the bloo empyrium,
and consekently wuz provided with holler bones and
wings. Sposn the elefant shood hev a cravin to soar into the
bloo empyrium (I like that word — its hefty), woodent it be
continyooally mizable becoz it coodent sore into the bloo empyrium?
Likewise. Nacher alluz makes a stingy man lean and thin.
Why? Becoz. Spozn nacher shood give a mean man the
entrales and stumick uv a liberal man and a good liver. Don't
you see that his hevin the sed entrales and stumick, and the
desires appertainin, and the meanness that prevented his fillin
em, wood make him mizable? So, ez nacher didn't give him
the disposition to fill stumick and entrales, she didn't also give
him the stumick and entrales to fill. All uv wich goes to
show that he who is fitted to be a Dimekrat will be a Demokrat,
and that ez the Millenium is a long way off, there will
alluz be enuff so fitted to make a tollably strong party.
The discouraged Dimokrat may say that preechers, and
noosepapers, and Sundy skools, and sich, are underminin their
party. In time they will, but not yet. Uv wat danger is
preechers to these men, when yoo coodent git one uv em with,
in gun-shot uv one? and wat harm is noosepapers to em, when
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they can't read? Besides, we are not at the end uv our resources
yet. When the wust comes to the wust, there is the
nigger left us. It isn't certin that we won't control him evenchooally.
They ain't educated ez yit, and Dimocrisy never
yet failed to control all uv the lower orders uv sosiety. They
hev the lowest grade uv the furriners; they hev Delaware
and Maryland; they hev Noo York city and Suthern Illinoy;
and ef we kin git at him afore he reaches the spellin-book, he's
ourn beyond peradvencher.
Then there's new territory to be acquired, wich is full uv
material for us. There is Mexico a ripenin for us. That country
wood cut up into at least twenty States, wich, added to the
ten we hev, wood make a clean majority wich we cood hold for
years. Massachoosets cood do nuthin in Mexico. The Greasers
ain't adapted to Massachoosets. Ef they sent their long-haired
teachers there with their spellin-books, they'd end their labors
by lettin a knife into their intestines for the clothes they wore,
wich wood put a check on the mishnary biznis. They are, it is
troo, several degrees lower in the skale uv humanity than the
niggers, but then they ain't niggers, and we cood marry em
without feelin that we'd degraded ourselves. Mexico affords
us room for hope; we never shel run out uv material for Dimocratic
votes until she is convertid, and but few mishnaries
wood hev the nerve to tackle her.
Therefore I say to the Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer! Ther's
a brite day a dawnin. Ef we are laid out agin and agin, we
kin console ourselves with the reflection that we're yoost to it,
and we kin go on hopin for the good time that must come.
Let us hold onto our faith, and continyoo to run, hopin eventooally
to be glorified. Let us still cherish the faith that evenchooally
the American people will not refooze the boon we
offer em, and persevere even unto the perfeck end. When
this good time is come, then will the anshent Dimocrisy, uv
wich I hev bin to-wunst a piller and ornament for thirty years,
triumph, and layin off the armor of actooal warfare, I shel rest
in that haven uv worn-out patriots, — a perpetooal Post Offis.
May the day be hastened! Farewell!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich wuz Postmaster).
-- --
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“CUSSID BE CANAAN!”
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A LECTURE
DELIVERED AT MUSIC HALL, BOSTON, DEC. 22, 1867.
We are all descended from grandfathers. Nearly a century
ago the grandfathers of some of us, in convention assembled,
uttered as doctrine, which they believed could not be gainsayed,
these words: “We hold these truths to be self-evident,
that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are
life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”
Thomas Jefferson was the particular grandfather who wrote
these high-sounding words, and, as a consequence, he has been
ever since hailed as the father of the only political party which
never believed in them. My particular mission is to show that
Jefferson was a most shallow person, which opinion of Jefferson
is very general in the South. True, the Democracy claim
him as its father; but when we remember that the same party
claim Jackson, the strangler of secession, as another father, we
can easily see how that can be. We have claimed these men
as ancestors only since they departed this life. Should they
rise from the dead, and be blessed with a view of their reputed
sons, particularly the branch of the family that has taken up
its residence in the city of New York, they would, I doubt
not, hold up their hands in horror, and exclaim, “It's a wise
father who knows his own child.”
It was well enough for Jefferson to assert the equality of
men before there was profit in inequality; but had he been
really a prophet, he would have done no such thing. In his
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day Slavery was unprofitable, and, consequently, not the holy
thing it has been since. The slaves were burdens instead of
aids, for the planters were compelled to provide for them.
The hogs ate the corn, and the negroes ate the hogs, leaving
the poor owners only what they left. But happily there came
a change. An ingenious Yankee invented the cotton gin,
slave labor became valuable, and, presto! the doctrine of the
equality of men was consigned to the limbo for worn-out and
useless rubbish, and Jefferson went out of fashion. Had he
been really desirous of being held up as the prophet of the
people who afterwards claimed him as such, we should not
have had the forcible sentences I have read. He would have
diluted them into something like this: “We hold these supposed
truths to be tolerably self-evident, that, as a rule, all
white men are created equal; that they are endowed by their
Creator with divers and sundry rights, which may be considered
inalienable; that among these are life, liberty, and the
pursuit of — niggers!”
It will be observed that the two Declarations differ somewhat.
One is as Jefferson wrote it, and the other is the version
we use at Confedrit × Roads.
Jefferson was in fault in his lack of appreciation, and strange
omission of the word “white.” The same omission is painfully
observable in all the literature of the world. I have searched
faithfully the realms of poetry and history, and am compelled
to acknowledge that nowhere outside of the Constitutions of
certain States is the word “white” made a necessary prefix
to the word “man.” And against this I protest. Literature
should conform to law, and to the great Caucasian idea. The
term employed to designate responsible beings in the Constitutions
of our States being “white male.” I insist that we go
through all our books, and substitute “white male” for “man”
wherever the word occurs. Thus we shall make Sir Walter
Scott say, —
“Breathes there a white male, with soul so dead.”
Addison shall say, in Cato, —
“When vice prevails, and impious white males bear sway,
The post of honor is the private station.”
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In Macbeth, the murderers shall say, —
“We are white males, my liege.”
And Macbeth shall answer, —
“Aye, in the catalogue ye go for white males.”
And Othello, before the senators, —
“She swore, i' faith, 'twas strange — 'twas passing strange; —
'Twas pitiful; 'twas wondrous pitiful.
She wished she had not heard it, yet she wished
That Heaven had made her such a white male.”
But in the Bible the improvement would shine out in a
clearer and stronger light. In our Caucasian — our white
men's Bibles — we shall have such words as these: —
1 Samuel 13: 14, —
“A white male after his own heart.”
2 Samuel 12: 7, —
“And Nathan said unto David, Thou art the white male.”
Psalms 37: 37, —
“Mark the perfect white male, and behold the upright; for the end of that
white male is peace.”
“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God, and thy white male fellow-citizen as
thyself.”
And in the mouth of our Saviour we shall put these words: —
“Suffer little white children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of
such is the kingdom of heaven.”
This passage would be especially grateful to us of Kentucky,
showing as it would that the distinction between the races
would be kept up through all eternity. But, unfortunately, the
Books do not so read. The American people, when slave
labor became of value, forsook Jefferson, put the word “white”
into their laws, and painted the word “nigger” on their banners,
which word has been a political Shibboleth ever since.
It is this Nigger which we shall investigate to-night. I am
the more anxious that the people shall understand the nature
of this being, and the absurdity of the attempt to elevate
him into manhood, for the reason that an effort to that end is
now being made. The insane agitators, who deny the truth of
Kentucky theology, are resisting us in our efforts to put him
in his old place. In the face of our desires, they insist upon
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deluging the country with Massachusetts, and making of the
South a second New England, — factories, farms, churches,
school-houses and all.
Upon the 957th page of the Dictionary you will find the
word “negro” defined as follows: “One of the black, woolly-headed,
thick-lipped, flat-nosed race of men inhabiting Africa.”
The Negro of the Dictionary is not the individual of whom I
shall speak. The Negro I know nothing about; the Nigger
I have spent much time in investigating, and flatter myself I
understand it thoroughly. I say it of the Nigger, and him of
the Negro, for there is a wide difference between them. The
Negro is a man, born in Africa, or descended from natives of
that country; the Nigger is an idea, which exists only in the
imagination of persons of the haughty Caucasian race resident
in the United States. It is an idea which sways men,
and influences their action, without having being; a myth,
which influences the world, without possessing form or shape.
It is possessed of many attributes, is many-sided, many-shaped,
vastly endowed, and fearfully and wonderfully made. To clear
up as I go, I may as well specify some of the peculiarities of
the Nigger. For instance, it is firmly believed that he could
never provide for himself; but those so contending, also declare
that the wealth of the country is dependent upon him, and
that without him weeds would grow in the streets of our cities.
It was asserted that he would not labor; yet the same men
undertook the large job of conquering the North, that they
might continue to enjoy the fruits of his labor. He was said
to be so stupid as to be incapable of receiving even the rudiments
of an education, and yet we found it necessary, in our
States, to pass stringent laws, with fearful penalties attached, to
prevent him from doing it! It was held by eloquent speakers
that he would invade the North, and, as he was too indolent to
work, he would fill our almshouses and jails; and the same
speakers would assert a moment later, with equal eloquence,
that, accustomed as he always had been to labor, he would
work for less pay than white men, and throw them all out of
employment. This last assertion, I have noticed, was always
made by gentlemen in the vicinity of bar-rooms, whose noses
were solferino-hued, whose hats were crownless, and whose
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wives, for amusement probably, took in washing to feed the
children. It is an unfortunate fact for us, that men who labor
in earnest have never been afraid of the competition of the
Nigger. Lower down in the scale of creation than the baboon,
they were fearful he would, if not restrained by law, teach
their schools, sit as judges, and be elected to Congress; so
repulsive in appearance had they painted him, with his thick
lips, black face, and kinky hair, that the very thought of one
would make a white damsel shudder; nevertheless they
demanded the enactment of laws in States where women may
choose their husbands unrestrained, to prevent these same
white damsels from marrying them. Immeasurably beneath
them in every particular, they felt called upon to perpetually
cry, “Protect us from nigger equality!” — and so on.
Jefferson's fault was the result of a lack of knowledge. He
knew all about the Negro, but nothing about the Nigger, and
it was well for him, therefore, that he lived in the year of our
Lord 1776. Had he lived ninety years later, and enunciated
the same doctrine, we should have shot him, as we did Lovejoy.
Were he alive now, he could not have been elected to
Congress in the district represented by the Hon. John Morrisey!
No, indeed! The gentlemen who left their native soil
because of the scarcity of this equality (and of potatoes), the
men who would have been carpet-baggers but for the lack of
carpet-bags, — those who have kindly taken charge of the
politics of several of the Atlantic cities, — these men are the
sharp sticklers that the distinctions between man and man
which drove them from the land of their birth be kept up
here. Their motto is, “One man is as good as another;” but
when their eyes rest upon a black man, they very properly
add, “and better too!” This class have cultivated such a
delightful hatred of the Nigger that they won't even drink with
one, unless, indeed, the Nigger pays for the fluids. This
makes some difference. And that this distinction may be kept
up, we have interpolated into Jefferson's Declaration the word
“white,” and assert, vehemently, that both Scripture and
science, of which we know much, justify the interpolation. In
Kentucky, we don't take the Declaration of Independence as
we do our whiskey, straight, but we sweeten it to our taste.
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We have all the passages of Scripture relating to it at our
tongues' end. At the Corners, you can hear at any time those
whose appearance hardly denotes erudition, whose noses
blossom as the lobster, whose hair asserts impatience of restraint
by obtruding itself through the corners of their hats,
whose toes manifest themselves through their ventilated shoes,
and to whose perpendicularity posts are necessary, exclaim,
unctuously, “And Noer planted a vineyard, and drank of the
wine, and was drunken. Cussid be Canaan.”
Having dwelt as long as is profitable upon the attributes
of this interesting being, I pass to an examination of his
origin. It is found in the 9th chapter of Genesis. The world,
sunk in wickedness, was destroyed by a flood. But it was not
the design of the Almighty to exterminate the race. I will
not stop here to argue whether it would have been better to
have made clean work of it or not. I was in New York a few
weeks ago, and thought, perhaps, it would. Be that as it
may, one family he preserved in an ark, and when the tempests
that had wrought His judgments had subsided, and the purified
earth was again fit for the occupancy of man, this family
left their floating home, and went out upon its face. The
Book gives a short, though satisfactory account of what followed.
Noah, six hundred years old at the time, having seen
nothing but water for nearly twelve months, wanted a change.
He planted a vineyard, pressed the grapes, drank the wine
therefrom, and was drunken; which was a very indiscreet performance
for one at his age. Had he been a mere infant of one
or two hundred years, it wouldn't have been so singular, but a
mature man of six hundred ought to have known better. It
has always been a mystery at the Corners how Noah could
become inebriated on so thin a drink as new wine. Deacon
Pogram remarked that Noah wuzn't a seasoned vessel. In
that condition he lay down within his tent with insufficient
clothing upon him. As it was in the beginning, so it is now,
and ever shall be. To this day the man who drinks will
sooner or later get down with too little clothing upon him.
Ham, his youngest son, saw him, and laughingly told his
brethren. Shem and Japheth reproved Ham for his levity,
and took their garments upon their shoulders, and going
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backward, laid them upon him. When Noah awoke, he knew what
Ham had done, and he cursed him in these words: “Cursed be
Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.”
Upon this one act of our common father hung momentous
results. That one draught of wine set in motion a succession
of events that affected the fate of the greatest nation of the
world, in all conceivable ways, from the election of constables
to the fighting of great battles. For in that cup of wine was
Democracy, — then and there it was born, and that cup of
wine gave that party its Nigger — all the capital it ever had.
The temperance people tell us that in every cup of wine there
is a devil; in this cup you will acknowledge there was a
large and particularly lively one.
The drinking of this wine, and the drunkenness that it produced
upon the inexperienced Noah, was the cause of a division
of the human race into two classes, — white men and
niggers. Under the head of white men, we class the red
man of America, with his aquiline nose, coppery complexion,
and straight hair; the Mongolian, with his olive-colored skin,
black hair, and flat nose; the Caucasian, with his fair complexion,
hair of all colors, and features of all shapes; the Celt,
with his variable features; and — Democrats. A Democrat is
counted a white man, no matter what his complexion may be;
no matter what the color of his hair — or nose. All the rest
of the human family — and Radicals — we set down as Niggers.
To the white race we ascribe all the glory of the South — to
the others nothing.
This elevation of the white race, and consequent degradation
of the black, is justified by the few of us who read the
Bible, by the sin of Ham; though, by the way, we have nothing
to say in particular of the sin of Noah, which preceded
and led to it, Noah's sin being one that we are compelled,
for obvious reasons, to look upon with much leniency.
To be frank, I have never believed that poor Ham was fairly
dealt with. I have always pitied Ham. He was, doubtless,
a great, good-natured fellow, with a keen appreciation of the
ludicrous, and was vastly amused at the condition of his sire.
Drunkenness was not so common in that day as to excite disgust;
and as he saw the old navigator on his back, his face
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twisted with inebriety, his snores waking the echoes, and the
walls of his tent swaying from his hard breathing, he doubtless
thought he had, as the slang-users of this day would say, “a
good thing on the old man.”
But if it was a laughing matter with the foolish Ham, it
was not so with the shrewd Shem and Japheth. They pierced
the future. To get into the good graces of their father, they
turned their backs upon his sin and folly (as we do nowadays
upon the sin and folly of those from whom we want favors),
and, precisely as we do, cast over his sin their garments. The
only parallel to this we have in modern times occurred in
Washington a few years ago. Andrew Johnson was very
much in the condition of Noah upon one memorable 22d of
February, and a small army of patriots, who had assessorships,
post offices, and collectorships in their eyes, made haste to cast
their garments over him. But they did not succeed in covering
him. Noah awoke, and in the ill-humor which always
follows excess, cursed poor Ham, and condemned his son
Canaan to be the servants of his uncles forever. This was
the beginning of Democracy. Drunkenness brought exposure,
exposure shame, shame a curse, and thus cursed, Ham went
out a Nigger. Drunkenness made Nigger, Nigger made
Democracy, and the two have been running the machine
ever since.
We have now plainly before us the origin of the Nigger,
and have, therefore, a starting point for our investigations.
Here were three brothers, Shem, Ham, and Japheth, with a
curse upon Ham, condemning his children to serve the others.
We, the whites, claim to be the descendants of the other two,
and consequently assert the right to own and work the children
of our unfortunate uncle. The claim is a comfortable
one. Labor is something all men dread; and if it can be
positively fixed that Noah did curse Ham, and that he spoke
by authority, and that the negro is really the descendant of
Ham, and we are the descendants of Japheth, we have really a
good thing of it. We of Kentucky have always desired to
fulfil the great law of labor, as our particular friends at the
North served in the army — by substitute.
One cup of wine, and a curse after it, made a difference in
the history of the world.
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How differently history would have been written had Noah
started a temperance society at the beginning, or had the
Maine liquor law been in operation in that country. Or had he
taken up any other branch of agriculture! Had he planted
corn instead of grapes, or gone into sheep or poultry; had a
frost blighted his grapes, or a mildew struck them, or had the
screw of his press broken; had any one of these things happened,
he would not have become inebriated; Ham would not
have seen him; there would have been no curse, no Nigger, no
Democracy. For who can imagine a Democracy without a
Nigger to be kept in subjection! Or, suppose that all of Ham's
children had died of diphtheria! Had any one of these things
happened, the whole course of political events would have been
changed. We never should have seen at political meetings in
the West, wagon-loads of ancient females, with banners over
their venerable heads, and inscribed thereon this agonizingly
touching appeal: “Fathers, protect us from negro equality!”
as though they were not old enough, as a rule, to protect themselves.
Or, this heroic declaration: “White husbands or
none!” which, taken in connection with their age and single
condition, would indicate that if they had ever had offers they
must have come from black men. In the East, the gentlemen
who sent the Hon. John Morrisey to Congress from New York,
would have been spared the crimes of arson and murder, for
there would have been no nigger orphan asylums to awaken
their righteous indignation; no adult male niggers to hang to
lamp posts. But as any one of these things would have
changed the complexion of affairs, and prevented the unfortunate
change in Ham's complexion, and as they did not happen,
we are bound to admit that Providence intended the negro to
be kept down, and in the eternal fitness of things, arranged for
an organization to keep him down.
This curse is the great pivotal fact upon which American
politics has turned for years. But we found many difficulties
in it. The first difficulty which occurred to me, is the fact
that all of Ham's children did not suffer in consequence of
their father's little indiscretion. It ought to have fallen upon
all alike, but it did not. Nimrod was a descendant of Ham,
but he was not the servant of anybody, very much. On the
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contrary, quite the reverse. He was a mighty hunter before
the Lord; and mighty hunters have never been servants. The
man strong enough to struggle with the lion and to overcome
the tiger, and brave enough to dare the dangers of the chase for
the fierce delight it affords, is not the man to humbly hump his
shoulders, and to a mere man say that most hateful of all words,
“Master.” Besides, Nimrod built cities and established kingdoms,
which is not the work of servants. We were forced to the
conclusion, therefore, that the curse held to Canaan only; that
Nimrod's children mingled with the sons of Shem and Japheth,
and that their descendants are to-day white men. This troubles
us; for, counting it a truth, we were associating with those
having the blood of the cursed Ham in their veins; and besides,
if one of the descendants of Ham escaped the curse, may
not others get out from under it at the same place? Again;
if the negroes of Africa, from which country we procured the
stock we are blessed with, are really the descendants of
Canaan, the son of Ham, the curse which Noah imposed upon
them lost its adhesive power for many centuries. The brethren
separated, and each went about his business. I have
spent sleepless nights upon this question, but I must confess
that I can find no proof that Canaan, or any of his descendants,
were, until a comparatively recent date, the servants of anybody!
Can it be that the curse was as temporary in its effects
as the wine that produced it? Did it evaporate with the
fumes thereof? Did it pass away with Noah's headache the
next morning? Did Noah make over to Shem and Japheth
property for which he had no title?
Unfortunately Shem's descendants are said to have stayed in
Asia, Ham's went to Africa, and Japheth's peopled Europe.
Here is the difficulty that besets me. How could Ham's descendants
serve their brethren, they staying in Africa, while
the brethren were comfortably established in Europe and Asia?
It may be answered that they went after them; but, alas!
they had no need of that. The strong Shemites found enough
weak Shemites to enslave without going after their cousins,
and the same is true of the Japhethites. The Tartars made
servants of the Chinese, the Normans of the Saxons, and the
Romans had a cheerful habit of gobbling up all the weaker
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people within their reach. Among these, I regret to say, were the
ancestors of those before me — your fathers and mine. The
curse was in existence, and had power, but somehow it was
demoralized. When Noah fired it off, it missed its aim. It
scattered like a poor shot-gun, and hit where he did not intend
it. For in all ages of the world slavery has existed. There
never has been a time when strong men were not too lazy to
work; never a time when there were not brutes and imbeciles—
the two classes necessary to the system. The strong
enslaved the weak without regard to Noah. They did it in
a manly way, too. The enslavers did not ask the person they
wished to enslave for their family record; they did not attempt
to ascertain whether or not he was descended from Canaan.
Not they. If they wanted a servant, they sought out a man
weaker than they; they knocked him down, in the old-fashioned
way, with a club; they beat him till the original man
was pretty much pummelled out of him, and then, reduced to
the condition of a beast, he was the individual they desired.
History is full of these instances, and Jefferson had this kind
of history in his mind when he wrote the Declaration; which
would have been well enough had he put the word “white”
in its proper place, that there might be no doubt as to his
meaning.
As he left it, it applies to black as well as white, and strictly
construed robs us of our Nigger.
We could never find any testimony in the Scriptures that
the dusky sons of Africa were the descendants of Canaan;
and this is another difficulty. To be a servant, as our people
understand it, one ought to be an inferior; and we held that
the negro was our inferior, and ought to be our servant, because
of the curse. Behold the snag upon which our boat
runs. Our conservative brethren oppose the conferring of any
rights upon these people, because we dread the supremacy
of the negro! That sweet boon to an oppressed people,
Andrew Johnson, in his annual messages, always devoted a
chapter to the danger of this race taking possession of the
government, and conducting it themselves; and I am not
certain but that I have seen the same fear expressed in the
reports of Secretary Welles, as he said regularly whatever the
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President has said. Seward once dwelt upon it at length, but
I do not like to quote him. The distance from Abraham
Lincoln to Andrew Johnson was so great, that the leap from
the one to the other broke his moral back. He has never
stood upright since. The friends of the race jeeringly say that
if the negroes should take the government in their own hands,
they hope they will conduct it to better advantage than the
late President has, for if they do not, it would prove to the
satisfaction of everybody that the curse was a reality, and that
they are not fit, as yet, to be intrusted with political rights.
Now we have in the United States four millions of these
people, all told, and thirty millions of whites. It is as certain
as the multiplication table that if laws are necessary to prevent
them from governing us, they must be the superior and we
the inferior race. If, in a clear field, the four millions can control
the thirty millions, it must certainly be because of the
superiority of the four millions. It troubles us to reconcile
this pet fear of ours with our claims of superiority.
I have never been able, from the Book, to determine just
how far that curse extended. Noah's words were, “Cursed be
Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.”
I ask especial attention to the wording of this text, as it
affords a complete justification of the practice of amalgamation,
so common in the South under the old system. The Canaanites
were condemned to be servants unto their brethren. Not unto
the stranger, but their brethren. How, except through this,
let me ask, could the slaves of the South be brethren unto
their masters? But we have full faith that the curse was
intended to include not only Canaan, but his descendants. If
it was only to cover Canaan, and was to die with him, of what
use would it have been to us? Had it died with Canaan, we
of Kentucky would have been doing our own work to-day, and
we might have put on its tombstone the epitaph written for the
kitten which died too young:
“If I was so soon to be done for,
What was I begun for?”
It may be well here to consider briefly the question of color,
which has worried and perplexed all of us. We are white, or
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copper-colored, and the negroes, such of them as stayed at the
North, are black. The question is, “Why black?” One
theory is, that color is the result of climate, diet, habits of life,
and other conditions, which, persevered in for many generations,
will change the appearance of families of men. The people
of my State know better. They ascribe it to the curse of
Noah; that Ham, being the brother of Shem and Japheth, was
originally white, even as they were, but that he went out from
the presence of his father with this mark of his displeasure,
not only upon his face, but spread all over his body. The very
name to us is significant of color. The curse changed at once
his physical nature, and the change took place suddenly. When
Ham got to his room that morning, and gazed at himself in his
mirror, he called, in astonishment, for Shem and Japheth, that he
might be introduced to himself.
Noah, when he changed Ham's style and shape, had doubtless
a glimpse of the future, and he made of him precisely the
kind of man that the future required. As he was to be the
menial of his brethren for all time, he considerately gave him
a complexion suited to his condition; one that would not show
dirt. To further fit him for the discharge of the duties that
were to be his, his nose was flattened, that it could never be
turned up in scorn at anything; his arms were elongated, his
shoulders were broadened, his forehead was driven backward,
and his hair, long and straight like ours, was converted into
wool, that he should waste no time in dressing it, and also that
we, his masters, might have a better hold for our fingers.
These are the physical characteristics of the race in America,
and we affirm that the negro must and ought to be a slave,
because the Almighty, working through Noah, made him
exactly of the shape and style necessary to that condition.
There may be a mistake here. It is possible, as I once
heard a philosophical son of Ham say, that those who hold
these views have been all along mistaking their own work for
the Almighty's. He had the impudence to say that it was
possible that when the first negro was landed upon our shores
he was neither flat-nosed, long-heeled, or large-handed. He
was, however, forthwith set at work grubbing land in Virginia;
his nose was being continually flattened by the fist of his
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chivalrous master; his shoulders were broadened by the burdens
piled upon them; his hands were widened by constant
holding of the hoe, and his heel was providentially lengthened
to enable him to maintain his equilibrium under the loads he
was compelled to carry. Had they been shorter, he would,
when overloaded, have fallen backward. His receding forehead
he accounted for in this way: “Of what use,” said he,
“would a head shaped to hold brains be to one who had no
brains to hold? and why should he have brains who has no
occasion to use them?” But I noticed that this particular
nigger, who had learned to read and write, had a head shaped
very much like those of ordinary people of intelligence, and
that his children, who could not only read and write, but
cipher, were still more so. He had put out his one talent to
usury, and it had become ten in his descendants. We of the
South feared this. We would not fly in the face of the Lord
on any account. Zealous to fulfil his word, and determined
that for his glory Canaan should forever be a servant unto his
brethren; and fearful that if they should gain knowledge they
might give the Lord the slip, and be their own men, we withheld
knowledge from them. Piously, therefore, we enacted
laws making the teaching of these foreordained slaves to read
the sacred word of God a penitentiary offence. And in our
determination that they should not be unfitted for their
destiny, we did hang very many meddlesome Yankees who
doubted it all, and proposed to do something towards elevating
them above the condition of beasts. In those happy days,
south of the Ohio River, it only required twenty minutes of
time to arrest, try, hang, and divide the clothes of a Northern
school teacher. And when one of these Noah cursed men
demonstrated, by opposing the will of his master, that he had
brains, the matter was pleasantly and peremptorily settled by
knocking them out. A great deal of brain has been thus
disposed of in the Southern States.
Another trouble that besets us, is the fact that the curse
remained inoperative and in abeyance for centuries after it was
pronounced. The children of Ham, it is supposed, occupied
Africa all by themselves. They fell, as did their cousins in
Europe and Asia, into vice; their vices being just as much
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more detestable than those cultivated by their cousins as the
climate of their country is hotter. Vice, like vegetation,
attains its greatest perfection in hot climates. The farther
south you go, the less orthodox you find mankind. Vermont,
where man wrestles with Nature, and wrests a subsistence from
an unwilling soil by main strength, has never faltered in her
devotion to humanity. Louisiana, on the other hand, where
Nature yields her treasures at the asking, is as true to the
Democracy as the needle to the pole, or the Kentuckian to his
whiskey: two examples of fidelity equalled by nothing else in
this world. Where men find a living ready made, they have
too much time upon their hands to be good. The Ten Commandments
have but little chance where labor is unnecessary.
Had South Carolina been blessed with a month of sleighing
each year, she never would have passed an ordinance of secession.
No climate less hot than that of Mississippi could
develop such a man as Jeff Davis; and Salisbury, Andersonville,
Belle Isle, and General Forrest were only possible
where the thermometer stands at one hundred for months
together. It may be, indeed it has been said by a few soldiers
who survived Andersonville, that the heat in which the men I
have mentioned, exist, was not meant to affect the moral
natures, but was intended by a kind Providence, who foreknew
their destination, to prepare them, in some slight measure, for
the still greater heat to which they are certain to be subjected
in the future.
The Japhethites harried, murdered, and plundered each other
in Europe, and the Shemites fell to a still deeper depth of
barbarism, as did our African brother.
In Europe the Japhethites built large castles, and rode about
upon horses, clad absurdly in cast iron, with inverted pots upon
their heads, killing each other with iron spears, and the
Africans were doing the same things, on a smaller scale, with
spears pointed with fish-bones.
But the sons of Canaan had not been as yet introduced to
the curse, unfortunately. There were slaves in Africa, but
they were slaves not unto Japheth's children, but unto themselves,
precisely as the children of Shem and Japheth enslaved
men of their own race. When Cæsar conquered a
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nation at war with Rome, he made slaves of his captives; and
when Gumbo Quashee, prince of Borriaboola Gha, led his hosts
of warriors against a neighboring king, he dragged back
captives in his train, who were at once enslaved. If Gumbo
met defeat, the only difference was, he took his turn at the
mill. The enslaved have always been the victims of a curse,
not of the drunken Noah, but of that more terrible curse,
weakness.
There is another ugly point in this matter of the curse that
is hardly worth referring to, but it may be as well. The fact
is (and this hurts us), the Africans, the woolly-headed, thick-lipped,
dark-skinned, Africans, of whom we have made slaves
under the curse, are not the descendants of Canaan, upon
whom the curse fell, at all.
Unfortunately for us, who have risked our all upon this,
the Scriptures are explicit upon this point.
Canaan begat Sidon and Heth, and their descendants were the
Jebusites, the Amorites, the Girgashites, and — sights of other
tribes. The Book tells us precisely where they are located.
Too lazy and shiftless to move any distance, they pre-empted
the ground upon which Jerusalem stands, their territory including
those New Yorks of the old world, Sodom and Gomorrah.
They were not a nice people to have for next door neighbors.
They had many disagreeable habits. They were a compound
of Brigham Young and Kidd the Pirate, and it is supposed
that Salt Lake City and New York were modelled after
their principal towns as near as may be. It will be remembered
that these two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah, came to a
sudden end.
Notwithstanding the love I bear the metropolis, because of
its politics, the reading of the account of the destruction of
these cities, and knowing that what has been may, for the same
cause, occur again, has deterred me from investing very
largely in real estate in New York. But these Canaanites did
not go to Africa; they stayed in Asia; and as we have been
enslaving only Africans, it is clear that there has been a mistake
somewhere, and that we have been innocently enslaving
the wrong race all this time. You all remember the venerable
story of the tub. An old woman brought suit once upon a time
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for the value of a tub which she had loaned, and which had
been returned to her piece by piece, the hoops having all
dropped off. The defence set up by the borrower was comprehensive.
First, and to begin with, the defendant never
borrowed the tub. Secondly, she returned it with the hoops
all on, and, thirdly, the plaintiff never had a tub.
It is about so with this pet curse of ours. It wasn't good
for much at best, it didn't stick to the people at whom it was
levelled, and the Africans, upon whose shoulders we have
piled it, are not Canaanites. Our ancestors did not believe
this, however. They believed in this curse, with the childlike
simplicity of a pawnbroker. It is very easy for us to
believe in anything that holds out promise of personal benefit.
Men whose love for gain cannot be satisfied with six days of
labor, very generally question the sanctity of the Sabbath;
and we all insist that laws shall be made to fit our desires,
rather than to bring our desires to fit laws. These ancestors
of ours were a greedy set. They hungered after a life of no
labor, and they believed, therefore, that the Lord directed
Columbus across the untried waste of waters that rolled
between Spain and America solely that this long retired and
almost forgotten curse might be revived and put in force. It
had been a failure thus far; but as they looked out upon the
new world, and saw how magnificently they could live, if they
could only get their labor for nothing, their faith in it revived.
They found here field and forest, gold and water, everything
but labor.
The emigrant might, it is true, have done the labor himself,
but then this cherished curse of ours would have been still
floating around the world, like the dove of the eminent navigator
who uttered it, with no place to rest the sole of its foot.
Besides, they did not want to do the labor. The first settlers
of Virginia, from whom the chivalry of that State claim
descent, never labored at home, and why should they here?
The settlers of Carolina were men to whom labor was as
distasteful as it has ever been to their descendants. The
negro was precisely what they wanted. The original decree
was, “In the sweat of thy brow shalt thou eat bread.” They
were determined that the decree should be fulfilled, but they
wanted the dividing of it.
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They were perfectly willing to do the eating, but they
wanted the negro to do the sweating; and had he been
content with this division of the decree, all would have been
smooth to-day.
They prayed, “Give us this day our daily bread;” but
they added to the petition, “and furnish us a nigger to feed
it to us.”
Of course they believe in the curse. The planter on the
banks of the James felt the convenience of an arrangement
which would obviate the first curse of labor, by a second
curse; of having the sin brought into the world through the
agency of the apple, done away with by another sin which
had its origin in the grape.
They found it a blessed thing to have a being rich in muscle
to perform their share of the penalty of the first curse, giving
them wasteful summers at Saratoga, and ample time and means
for the cultivation of the Southern Christian graces — gambling,
horse-racing, pistol-shooting, and the like. It was a glorious
life they led! Did the proud Caucasian master have an
ill run of luck at cards? a nigger on the block made it all
right the next morning. Did madam, his wife, mourn, and
refuse to be comforted, because a thousand dollar shawl was
not? the matter was easily arranged. The tearing apart of
a husband and wife, and the sale of one; the condemning of a
quadroon of her own sex to a life of shame, was all that was
necessary. Did they desire to entertain their friends sumptuously?
Why should they not? There was no sordid counting
of cost, as it was farther North; for were there not niggers
to sweat? Virginia hospitality was celebrated. Vermont
hospitality might have been, had Vermont fostered this curse,
and partaken of its benefits. It's easy enough to be hospitable
with a hundred negroes, more or less, sweating for you gratis.
We did not invent reapers or sewing machines, for we didn't
need them. Flesh and blood was to be bought in any market,
and it was cheaper than iron and steel. We down South were
happily circumstanced. We had black slaves at home to do
our labor, and white serfs up North, just as humble, to do our
voting. Nature kindly furnished us a race white enough to
vote, and low enough to be owned.
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Interpreting the curse to include all Africa, our pious fathers
set about bringing as many of its inhabitants as possible under
its operations. They sent out missionaries, whom a censorious
world was wicked enough to stigmatize as pirates and slavers,
clad in red shirts, with pistol at belt and cutlass by side,
bearded like pards, and full of strong oaths. These evangelizers,
full of zeal and rum, sailed up the rivers of Africa, and
surprised villages of these accursed people, killing the accursed
men and women too old to work, and the accursed children too
young to work, but selecting out carefully the able-bodied
ones of both sexes. Packing these in the holds of their
vessels like herrings, they turned their prows homeward,
throwing overboard, from day to day, the bodies of those who
had so little regard for the curse of Noah as to die on the way
to the fulfilment thereof. And so at last the curse was fulfilled.
On the cotton plantations, in the rice swamps, in the cane and
tobacco fields, the supposed sons of Ham toiled on, expiating
the stupidity of their supposed father, who, a great many
centuries before, hadn't any more sense than to look in upon
his father when he was drunk.
But just as this convenient and comfortable curse got into
good working order it was killed.
Abraham Lincoln smote it under the fifth rib, and it died the
death.
The nation, in deadly peril, called upon our black cousins to
aid in its deliverance, and it gave up the ghost. The sons of
Ham, inferior as they were in all other respects, were discovered
to be able to pull a trigger or push a bayonet with anybody,
and to the astonishment of those who stood before them, they
had the will to do it. They dared to stand in battle array
before the chivalry of the South. We very soon accounted
for the daring.
When Lincoln put the musket in the hands of the Southern
negroes, it was Greek against Greek, brother against brother.
The blood of the old cavaliers, which gave courage and daring
to the Beauregards, Lees, Masons, and Hamptons, made cavaliers
also of Scipio, Pompey, and Cæsar, their half-brothers; and
why not. The Federals turned against the Confederates
twenty thousand men having the best blood of the South
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coursing through their veins, and inspiring them to high
chivalrous deeds.
Then the struggle became literally fratricidal. Another
thing made these fellows fight. They had treasured up that old
saying of Jefferson, and they rejoiced when the firing upon
Sumter gave them promise of the glad day when it should be
a reality. When they were satisfied that the nation was really
divorced from slavery, they flew to arms to prove themselves
worthy of the future they hoped for. We must confess that
they fought bravely and died grandly.
The swart hero in the death-trap at Petersburg, on the plain
at Port Hudson, and in the enclosure at Fort Pillow, showed
an example of heroism that any people might be proud of.
The slave who remained on the plantation, who risked life to
feed, nurse, and guide the flying fugitive from Andersonville,
showed a devotion the like of which the world never witnessed
before. We of the South were whipped, and by their aid.
I do not say that we would not have been beaten had they
not thrown themselves into the breach, but it was done the
easier because of them. They stopped bullets at least. The
bullet that let out the life of the negro soldier at Nashville,
might, had he not stood in its way, made life-long sadness in
your home; and many a son of a Northern mother who came
home laurel crowned, owes his life to the unknown black man
who lies in an unhonored grave upon the fields from which he
plucked honor.
These poor deluded Canaanites, as we shall term them, believed
that they had earned their promotion to a higher rank,
and really expected it.
But we knew better. Down in Kentucky we held a consultation
on this very question. That blessed saint and keen
observer of men, Deacon Pogram, remarked sagely, “that men
and women was the most ungrateful members of the human
family.” Said he further on this head, “The sense of gratitood
the Fedrals feel will die out with the peals of the bells which
celebrate the victrys the nigger allies helped to win. They
endured the nigger because they needed him; but now, thank
the Lord, they don't need him no more, and, halleloogy, he'll
be the same cussed nigger he alluz wuz.” I use the Deacon's
exact words.
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He was right. The wholesome prejudice against color
swallowed up gratitude, and the pride of race swallowed justice.
The negro stepped one foot upon the threshold of the Temple
of Liberty, but we rudely pushed him back. They wanted
not only freedom, but the elective franchise, the ungrateful
wretches not being satisfied with what we had given them.
They had been provided for generously. We of the South
accepted the situation, and acknowledged their freedom, but
we felt that it was necessary that they be regulated. And so
we decreed that they should not leave the plantations on
which they were employed without passes from their employers,
under penalty of being shot at sight.
They should have the right of suing any one — of their own
color — if they could give white bail for costs; and here was
a privilege — they were to have the unrestricted right of
being sued the same as white men. They should not purchase
or lease real estate outside of any incorporated city or village;
and as large bodies of them were considered dangerous, they
should not purchase or lease real estate within any incorporated
city or village. As we fixed their wages at four dollars per
month, they boarding themselves, these laws relating to the
purchase of real estate might seem unnecessary. But we
wanted to be on the safe side. And we proposed to give
them the ballot, in time. Of other men we required no
preparation, but we felt it necessary of these. We only
required them to pass a creditable examination in Greek,
Latin, embroidery, French, German, and double-entry bookkeeping,
and to facilitate their acquiring these branches we
burned all their school-houses.
These regulations were made in Mississippi. In my State
of Kentucky it was not necessary to do anything in the matter,
for Kentucky did not rebel. We preserved a strict neutrality.
That estimable pillar in the Church at the Corners, Elder
Gavitt, who has since gone to his reward, remarked that “no
one cood be more nootraller than he was.” He loyally stayed at
home all day, and bushwhacked Federal pickets all night, and
after battles he robbed the dead and wounded of both sides
impartially. For thus remaining neutral we have been permitted
to manage our niggers in our own way.
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The curse was by this time abandoned, but the hankering
after cheap labor remained. We found at once a new reason
for degrading this race — a new theory for keeping them
down. We discovered, just in the nick of time, that they
were not men at all. And this suited our friends of the
North. They had always objected to the theory that the negro
was a man, and that he was enslaved because of his inferiority.
They murmured to themselves, “If the stronger shall
own the weaker, if the intellectually superior shall hold in
slavery the intellectually inferior, God help us! We might as
well select our masters at once.”
When Lee surrendered at Appomattox Court House, we felt
that all was gone. We felt as grateful, as men of our stamp
could feel, that our lives were not forfeit, that we had yet our
property, save and except our niggers. But this feeling wore
off. Andrew Johnson became suddenly tired of the rôle of
Moses, or rather he changed his Israelites. He led the astonished
Africans into the Red Sea, and left them there; and
putting himself at the head of their Egyptian pursuers, he
pulled them out of the troubled waters they had fallen into.
We were not slow to take advantage of this changed condition
of affairs. There is a modesty in the Southern character, but it
does not crop out very much. We began to talk of our rights;
our niggers, and our system. We felt that all was not lost so
much as it had been. True, they were free, but had we not
legislatures? Congress, in its wisdom, left them in our hands
after all. They could vote by law, and by law some of us
could not; but what of law, so long as we had the executing
of it? We were admitted to the Georgia legislature, and we
at once expelled enough of our black enemies to give us the
control of that body. Elsewhere force — the rifle, the pistol,
the knife — gave us the control we wanted, and by a liberal
use of these peculiarly Southern agencies, the doomed sons of
Canaan were practically as far from freedom as ever. They
were by law competent to vote in Louisiana, but of what avail
to them was that privilege so long as the power was in the
hands of our people, who by force controlled one election, that
they might use the power thus gained to disfranchise them
forever, and reduce them to the old status?
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It was necessary to satisfy our friends of the North that we
were right in this matter. We had no trouble to do it. Our
learned men measured their arms, legs, hands, and skulls, and
finding a difference, held it was right and proper that all political
rights be denied them. Smelling committees were appointed,
who discovered that the nigger was possessed of an
odor not perceptible in the white, and forthwith that odor took
the entire conservative part of the people by the nose, and led
them at its own sweet will. It was not as agreeable as Night-blooming
Cereus, and it was decided that therefore he ought
not to vote. His color was next critically considered, and in a
new light. It was not like ours; and should a man presume
to exercise the rights of freemen whose complexion rivalled
charcoal? Their heels protruded more than ours, and therefore
they must be deprived of all privileges save that of living,
and that only by sufferance. This rule we find to be
weak in some respects.
The first objection that occurs to me to this method of determining
a man's qualifications for the exercise of the great
privilege of a freeman is the uncertainty of its application.
We will suppose a white man to have arms, legs, and skull, of
the average negro shape and measurement; does that unfit
him for the ballot? We must admit this, if these measurements
are to be the test. Or, suppose, from inattention to
personal cleanliness, he should carry with him an odor unpleasant
to persons of refined sensibilities, would that unfit him?
The adoption of this rule would require boards of election to
smell of each elector who offered a ballot; and that there might
be uniformity in the matter, which is necessary in a republic,
the government would be forced to establish a bureau of perfumery.
Ignorance we would urge as a disqualification; but alas, we
have a most excellent reason for sailing clear of that. A very
large per cent. of those who oppose giving the ballot to the
negroes, because of their ignorance, put a cross to their names
when they sign a promissory note, and accomplish that simple
feat with much difficulty and running out of tongue.
Fielding, the great English novelist, gave us a most amusing
picture of a terror occasioned in a small English village on
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the coast, by a rumor that the French had landed at a time
when the pugnacious Gauls were threatening an invasion of
that country. At the grated window of a debtor's prison appears
the face of a person who had been incarcerated for many
years for a debt which he could never hope to pay, and whose
imprisonment was therefore like to be perpetual. With an expression
of the most earnest indignation upon his faded face,
he exclaims, from behind the bars, “Zounds! are the French
coming to deprive us of our liberties?”
Even so. I must admit that the men who tremble the most
for their country, when they contemplate the ignorant negro
possessing the ballot, are those who cannot read, and the patriot
who sells his vote for a drink of rum, is the identical fellow
who talks the loudest of the danger of giving the ballot
to a mass of people whose votes can be so easily influenced.
Several other reasons prevented us from making all that we
hoped for out of the ignorance of the negroes, particularly of
the South. Did we point to the ignorant field hand, and ask
triumphantly if such as he was fit to vote? Forthwith our
opponents held up, as an offset, the degraded brutes of our
Northern cities. Did we point to the vicious negroes? They
could and did point to the roughs of New York, Philadelphia,
and Baltimore. And they rather troubled us when they asserted
that the ballot in the hands of ignorant white men was
just as dangerous as in the hands of ignorant black men; that
the ballot, ignorantly or viciously cast, is what hurts us, not
the color of the man who casts it. They asserted that he who
says “Stand off” to the colored man because he cannot read
his ballot, ought to say “Stand off” to the white man equally
ignorant. There is no denying this. Were intelligence made the
test, it would scarcely be worth while to open polls in half the
districts of New York city, and one fourth of our entire strength
would fade out like frost under a May sun. Finally we adopted
as ground upon which we could stand, the theory that there
were many creations instead of one; that Adam was not the
Simon pure, original man; that the nigger is a different being
altogether from us — a beast, a sort of superior baboon; and
being a beast, that we have the right to own and work him,
as we have the horse or ox.
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This position seemed to many of us impregnable; but it
didn't stand a minute. Miscegenation or amalgamation knocked
the support out from under us. Up stepped a pert abolitionist,
and asked, “What will you do with the mulatto — he who
is half man and half beast?
And here is a difficulty. If we count them as beasts, we do
the man that is in them injustice? If we count them as men,
we profane manhood, by elevating with it the lower creation.
And when such a one dies, what then? Does the man half,
for which Christ died, claiming its inheritance in his blood, go
into the next world on an equality with us, dragging with it
the half that is beast? Or should there be ever so slight a
preponderance of beast, does the hybrid topple over in a lop-sided
way into the limbo for departed animals, dragging with
it the half that is man? If so, O, my Kentucky friends, how
much of Kentucky soul and Kentucky spirit is there in that
limbo, held in solution by the animal surroundings into which
your gross sensuality has condemned it?
That unmitigated wretch, Joe Bigler, it will be remembered,
reproached that old saint, Deacon Pogram, for walloping one
of these nearly white negroes who had the Pogram nose.
“Deacon,” said he, “how kin yoo bear to thrash so much Pogram
for the sake of walloping so little nigger?” Another objection
to this theory is the fact, that while treating them as
beasts in the matter of voting, we treat them very much like
men in the matter of tax-paying. I have known men who
grew furious at the idea of being jostled at the polls by a
negro, do violence to the theory by standing side by side,
quietly and without a murmur, with a very black one in
the rush to pay taxes at the treasurer's office! And during
the late unpleasantness, what man of all our people objected
to having the name of the blackest and most offensive
negro in his township or ward written just before his own on
the draft enrolment? That was what hurt us, for during its
continuance we heard nothing of this hatred of race. The
nigger of 1861, when we didn't want him, softened down wondrously,
into the “colored man” in 1863, when we did want
him. The negro's face, black as it was, looked well to our
friends of the North under a blue cap, and he was a very
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Apollo in their eyes when they wanted their quotas filled.
Ours was a white man's government; but we were all wondrous
willing that black men should die for it in our stead.
If I remember aright, I have, in the course of these remarks,
referred to the Democracy once or twice. I cannot
avoid making mention of their competitors, the Republican
party, and here acknowledging the assistance it has been to
us. In 1856 that party got hold of an idea that for many
years was too large for it. They grasped it by the tail, and
they have been trying to manage it from that end ever since
until this minute. They never dared to look it in the face.
The crusade upon slavery, squarely made years ago by Wendell
Phillips, Lovejoy, Garrison, Giddings, and the few terrible
agitators who were bent upon turning the world upside down,
which they did, was entered into by those who followed them
afar off, only when they were compelled to. And how feeble
their assent! They endeavored not to pierce its centre, its
weakest point, but to flank it. They commenced the movement
against it by declaring their willingness that it should continue
to exist in the States — that the slave-pens, under the shadow
of the Capitol at Washington, should continue to show forth
the beauties of a republican form of government, and that
they themselves, free men, should continue to be used as
bloodhounds, with United States marshals to set them on, to
hunt down the fugitives from bondage. They made haste to
announce in advance their determination not to interfere with
it where it existed, and they never did till they were compelled
to. They frittered away the first two years of the war
before they were manly enough to tie themselves to what
they believed to be a truth, and permit it to drag them to victory.
Forced by circumstances they could not control, they
mustered up courage at last to declare the only friends they
had in the South free: but what followed? They started in
affright at the spectre they had raised. The Republican party
was brave enough to face the armies of the rebellion, but it
was not brave enough to face a prejudice. From the close of
the war up to this winter, in the very flush of the victories
they had won by the aid of the strong hands of their black
allies, they coolly betrayed them. So magnanimous were they,
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so generous were they to their enemies, that they forgot their
friends. They gave us, their late masters, the right to disfranchise
them at any time. They gave Southern legislatures
the power to reduce them again to serfdom, and even those in
the Northern States were denied their rights. How much
these foolish people have made by their motion, how much they
have of safety, how much of the rights they have earned, how
much they have of citizenship, let Memphis, New Orleans, and
the Georgia legislature answer. The Republican party lacked
the courage, and we knew it would, to follow to its logical
conclusion the idea upon which it was based. Too many of
its members shuddered at the Nigger as soon as the Nigger
was of no use to them. And there is a reason for this. It is
a soothing thought to too many men that there is somebody
lower down in the scale of humanity than themselves. Such
men have an uncontrollable desire to look down upon somebody,
and hence their desire to keep the negro down, as that
is the only portion of the race they can, with any show of
truth, claim to be above. And feeling the danger of his rising
above them if let alone, they seek to keep him down by
piling upon his head the dead weight of unfriendly legislation.
It is a philosophical truth this. The more despicable the
man, the more anxious he is to have it understood that
somebody is lower still. The most ardent defenders of
slavery eight years ago were those who hadn't a particle
of interest in it, — those who, if negroes had been selling
at five cents apiece, could not have raised money enough
to have purchased the paring of one's finger nail; and to-day
those most bitterly opposed to Nigger suffrage are those whose
stolid ignorance and inwrought brutality makes any attempt
at further degradation a hopeless task. They can be got
lower — by digging a hole.
How shall we dispose of the negro. He was ever a disturbing
element in American politics, and ever will be so long
as left in the position he has occupied. The curse theory is
worthless, and the beast theory leaks like a sieve. If there
ever was anything in the curse it has all faded out, and if he
is not a man, he is a most excellent imitation. We have abandoned
the Nasbyan theory, and have fallen back upon
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Jefferson. Now that the government is in a transition state, now
that we can make of it what we will, suppose that we rebuild
upon a safe and sure foundation. Suppose we overhaul the
laws of the country, and strike out the word “white,” leaving
standing alone the all-sufficient word man. We are trying
now the experiment of being a genuine republic. Suppose
that there may be no longer a dispute upon this head, that we
insist upon incorporating into the Constitution — the supreme
law of the land — the Jeffersonian Declaration, that all men are
equal. I want, and insist upon it, that the Declaration of
Independence shall be no longer a “glittering generality,” as
that meanest of all mean things God ever created, a Massachusetts
pro-slavery man, once said, but a living, robust truth,
possessed of as much vitality as any other truth which has
blessed the world.
What stands in the way? Prejudice! Only this, and nothing
more, and that may be overcome. New England did it,
and New York, years ago, took one step in that direction. In
New York, the negro who owns a mule worth two hundred
and fifty dollars, votes, no matter what his other qualifications
may be, while he who lacks that, does not, no matter how well
he is fitted for the exercise of the right in other respects.
This is not well, but it is something. By this rule the mule
votes, not the man; and the late election in that State shows
the mules to have been largely in the majority.
Until this principle is adopted our republic is no republic,
and our boasted freedom is a hollow sham. We must have no
more of this inequality. We must make all men before the law
equal. We must not leave the rights of a single citizen in the
hands of timid legislatures, interested oligarchies, and ex-slaveholders.
The rights of the negro must be secured by law,
above the reach of ex-slaveholders; men who, to live a life
of luxurious idleness, would garrote the Goddess of Liberty
for the white robes she wears. We must make him not only
free in name, but in reality, and must give him that potent
weapon, the ballot, that he may maintain and defend his freedom.
I want all distinctions based upon color wiped out in
all the States. I want all the roots of this bitterness eradicated.
I want the great principle upon which a republic
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should be founded incorporated into the Constitution. If, now
that it can be done, we do less than this, we are cowards and
faithless men.
I want them to have all privileges enjoyed by other classes.
“Do you want niggers in office?” shudderingly asks the member
of Congress, who sees in his mind's eye one sitting beside him.
I answer, “Certainly, if the people desire it, not otherwise;”
and they are a part of the people. I have no particular care in
the matter; I only insist that they shall be eligible. Whether
they are elected to official position or not, is something that is
entirely within your control. If you return a man a horse that
is his, it does not follow that you must give him also silverplated
harness and a carriage. If you pay a debt, it does
not follow that you must likewise marry into the family of your
creditor. You have in this city an overwhelming majority of
whites — it is for you to choose. Where they have a majority,
I presume they will do as we have done — elect men of their
own race; and I should advise them to. But there is no law
to compel you to elect black men, or men of any other color,
to official position. You have a right to vote for whom you
please. I am not certain but that the good of the public would
be subserved by substituting some negroes I know of for some
white officials. For instance, were I a citizen of New York,
I would most gladly exchange John Morrisey for Frederick
Douglass, and rather than spoil the trade, I would throw in
Fernando Wood and his brother Ben, and esteem the bargain
a most excellent one at that. But our conservative friends do
not so see it. “My God!” said one of them, with horror in
his countenance, “think of my being tried afore a nigger jury
for hoss-stealin!”
The people elect, or ought to elect, men to office to serve
them. If you desire whitewashing done, do you look at the
color of the artist to whom you intrust the purifying of your
walls and ceilings? No; you select the man who has the most
skill. Why not so in official positions? If you have among
you negroes who have ability superior to the whites, if you
have those who can better fill the offices, you as tax-payers,
do yourselves gross injustice by not electing them. It does
not follow that you must therefore take them to your bosoms
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as social equals. You have, under the Constitution of the
United States, the blessed privilege of choosing your own
associations. We do not care to associate with all white men,
but all white men vote nevertheless.
I would not make them superior to the white. I would do
nothing more for them than I would for other men. But I
would not prevent them from doing for themselves. I would
tear down all bars to their advancement. I would let them
make of themselves all that they may. In a republic there
should be no avenue to honor or well-doing closed to any man.
If they outstrip me in the race, it proves them to be more
worthy, and they are clearly entitled to the advantages resulting.
There is no reason for this inequality. Knowing
how deep the prejudice is against the race, knowing how low
down in our very natures its roots have struck, I demand, in
our renewed and purified republic, the abrogation of all laws
discriminating against them. I demand for them full equality
with us before the law. Come what may, let it lead to what
it will, this demand I make. I make it as a worshipper of
true Democracy; as one who believes in the divine right of
man — not white man, red man, or black man, but MAN, to self-government.
I make it as one who will be free himself; and
that he may be free himself, would have all others free. I
demand it, not as a gracious gift to the colored man of something
we might, if expedient, withhold, not as a right he
has earned by service done, but humbly, and with shame
in my face at the wrong we have done, I would give it him
as returning a right that was always his; a right to which
he has a patent from God Almighty; a right that we had
taken from him by brute force, and the taking of which by
us was almost the unpardonable sin. I demand it, for until
it is done our boasted freedom is a sham, and our pretence
of republicanism a miserable lie. I demand it, for I would
have no privileged classes in this government, for fear that
some day my children may by force be deprived of the rights
I enjoy by a class arrogating to themselves superiority. I
demand it, because I believe governments were instituted
on earth for the protection of the weak against the strong,
and that in a republic the ballot is the weak man's only
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protection. I demand it, because we cannot afford to give the
lie to our professions; because we cannot afford to say to the
world one thing and do another.
What shall we do with the negro? Do by him what enlightened
Christianity commands us to do to all. Let us square
our action in this, as in all other matters, by that sublime precept,
“Do unto others as ye would have others do unto you.”
Casting behind us, as unworthy of a moment's serious consideration,
the miserable sophistries of the false teachers who
have well nigh ruined the republic, let us dare to do right.
Let us declare and crystalize our Declaration into unchangeable
laws, that under the flag all men shall be men. Let us
build an altar, the foundation of which shall be Reason, the
topstone Justice, and laying thereon our prejudices, let them
be consumed in the steady, pure flame of Humanity. The
smell of that sacrifice will be a sweeter savor to the Father
of all races than any since Abel's. Let us raise ourselves from
the low, dead, flat plane of self-interest, and demonstrate our
strength, not by trampling upon the defenceless heads of those
weaker and lower than ourselves, but by lifting them up to us.
And then, when the flag has under its shadow only free men,
when all men are recognized as men, we can look the world
in the face, and repeat without a blush that grand old Declaration,
that Magna Charta of human rights, that Evangel of
Humanity: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all
men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator
with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness.”
-- 660 -- p635-711
“THE STRUGGLES OF A CONSERVATIVE WITH THE WOMAN QUESTION. ”
[figure description] Page 660.[end figure description]
A LECTURE
DELIVERED IN MUSIC HALL, BOSTON, DEC. 16, 1868.
I am by nature a Conservative, for I was born one. In my
infancy I was rocked in an old-fashioned cradle, for my parents
would have nothing whatever to do with new-fashioned gimcracks
on springs. Whatever they used must be that which
had the sanction of years. When my infantile stomach was
agonized, I was soothed with Godfrey's Cordial. At the beginning,
paregoric was the favorite anodyne; but my mother
one day happening to discover in a household book that her
grandmother used Godfrey's Cordial, that was immediately
substituted as being undoubtedly the best. Godfrey's Cordial
was counted the most efficacious, because the bottles which
contained it were quaint and old-fashioned, and the labels were
printed in the characters and upon the paper used a century
ago. It was good enough for the stomachs of my ancestors,
and why not for mine? It has been ever since a rule in our
family that it is better for babies to die with Godfrey's Cordial
than to live with any other remedy. One brother of mine,
whose head differed in shape from the others of the family, in
being largest in front of the ears, suggested that the world
had progressed since Godfrey's day, and that possibly science
had produced a better combination. He was ordered to leave
the house instantly. As a rebuke to him, my infant sister was
given a double dose of Godfrey, and my father prayed earnestly
against innovators and presumptuous men, and erased his
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name from the family Bible. The little sister died before
morning; my brother went away and invented an improvement
in steam engines, thus fiendishly inflicting a stab at the
horse interest. But I cannot dwell upon family matters. I
have much to say, and life is short and uncertain. I know
that's so, for a life insurance man told me so yesterday.
I grew up with reverence for everything old. I am not the
man who caught hold of the coat-tail of Progress, and yelled
“Whoa!” I do not believe there ever was such a man. Progress
does not wear a coat; he rushes by in his shirt sleeves;
and, besides, your true Conservative, of whom I am which,
never gets awake in time to see Progress whistle by.
I never think, for there's no necessity for thinking. All the
trouble the world has ever seen has proceeded from pestiferous
thinkers. I am content that men who departed this life some
centuries ago, and were decently buried, and had their obituaries
published in the newspapers, and their tombstones erected,
with as many virtues cut upon them as their administrators
had money to pay for — I am content that these men, deceased
as they are, should do my thinking for me. I study these
men, and take their action as safe precedent to follow. With
such men as I am, the thing that has been done is the right
thing to do; and the thing that has never been done, must
therefore never be done.
We have a poor opinion of ourselves. We, of the United
States, believe that all the wisdom of the country died with the
last member of the Continental Congress, and that our only
hope is in following closely in the footsteps of the members of
that body. Therefore we opposed the abolition of slavery,
because they left us slavery. We opposed all attempts to suppress
intemperance, because intemperance was; and such of
us as professed Christianity, opposed Sunday schools, because
Paul was not a superintendent of one, and because we could
nowhere find it recorded that Luke had a Bible, or Martha an
infant class.
Irreverent men, it is true, puzzle our Christian Conservatives,
by insisting that if all old things are good things, then we
must all rush into murder, that cheerful vice being almost contemporary
with creation.
-- 662 --
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But we do not allow that to shake us. Conservatives are
not, as a rule, logicians. They have an anchor in precedent,
which holds them fast, while logic is a ship that sails out into
unexplored seas. By doing only that which has been done,
we hold fast to our ancestors; and if they were not respectable
people, who were?
I adore woman. I recognize the importance of the sex, and
lay at its feet my humble tribute. But for woman, where
would we have been? Who in our infancy washed our faces,
fed us soothing syrup, and taught us “How doth the little
busy bee?” Woman! To whom did we give red apples in
our boyhood? for whom did we part our hair behind, and wear
No. 7 boots when No. 10's would have been more comfortable?
and WITH WHOM did we sit up nights, in the hair-oil period of
our existence? And finally, whom did we marry? But for
woman what would the novelists have done? What would
have become of Sylvanus Cobb, Jr., if he had had no women
to make heroines of? And without Sylvanus Cobb, Bonner
could not have made the Ledger a success; Everett would be
remembered not as the man who wrote for the Ledger, but
merely as an orator and statesman; Beecher never would have
written Norwood, and Dexter might to-day have been chafing
under the collar in a dray! But for woman George Washington
would not have been the father of his country, the Sunday
school teachers would have been short the affecting story
of the little hatchet and the cherry tree, and half the babies
in the country would have been named after some one else.
Possibly they might have all been Smiths. But for woman
Andrew Johnson never would have been, and future generations
would have lost the most awful example of depravity the
world has ever seen. I adore woman, but I want her to keep
her place. I don't want woman to be the coming man!
In considering this woman question I occupy the Conservative
standpoint. I find that from the most gray-headed times
one half of the human race have lived and moved by the grace
and favor of the other half. From the beginning woman has
occupied a dependent position, and has been only what man
has made her. The Turks, logical fellows, denied her a soul,
and made of her an object of barter and sale; the American
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Indians made of her a beast of burden. In America, since we
extended the area of civilization by butchering the Indians,
we have copied both. In the higher walks of life she is a toy
to be played with, and is bought and sold; in the lower strata
she bears the burdens and does the drudgery of servants, without
the ameliorating conditions that make other servitude
tolerable and possible to be borne. But I am sure that her
present condition is her proper condition, for it always has
been so.
Adam subjugated Eve at the beginning, and following precedent
Cain subjugated his wife. Mrs. Cain, not being an
original thinker, imitated her mother-in-law, who probably lived
with them, and made it warm for her, as is the custom of
mothers-in-law, and the precedent being established, it has been
so ever since. I reject with scorn the idea advanced by a
schoolmistress, that Eve was an inferior woman, and therefore
submitted; and that Eve's being an inferior woman was no
reason for classing all her daughters with her. “Had I been
Eve,” she remarked, “I would have made a different precedent!”
and I rather think she would.
The first record we have of man and woman is in the first
chapter of Genesis. “So God created man in his own image.
And he made man of the dust of the earth.” In the second
chapter we have a record of the making of woman by taking
a rib from man. Man, it will be observed, was created first,
showing conclusively that he was intended to take precedence
of woman. This woman, to whom I referred a moment since,
denied the correctness of the conclusion. Man was made first,
woman afterwards, — isn't it reasonable to suppose that the
last creation was the best? “If there is anything in being
first,” she continued, “man must acknowledge the supremacy
of the goose, for the fowl is first mentioned.” And she argued
further: “Man was made of the dust of the earth, the lowest
form of matter; woman was made of man, the highest and
most perfect form. It is clear that woman must be the better,
for she was made of better material!” But, of course, I look
upon this as mere sophistry.
I attempted to trace the relative condition of the sexes from
the creation down to the fall of man, but the Bible is silent
-- 664 --
[figure description] Page 664.[end figure description]
upon the subject, and the files of the newspapers of the period
were doubtless all destroyed in the flood. I have not been
able to find that any have been preserved in the public libraries
of the country. But it is to be presumed that they lived
upon precisely the terms that they do now. I shall assume
that Eve was merely the domestic servant of Adam — that
she rose in the morning, careful not to disturb his slumbers—
that she cooked his breakfast, called him affectionately
when it was quite ready, waited upon him at table, arranged
his shaving implements ready to his hand, saw him properly
dressed — after which she washed the dishes, and amused herself
darning his torn fig leaves till the time arrived to prepare
dinner, and so on till nightfall, after which time she improved
her mind, and, before master Cain was born, slept. She did
not even keep a kitchen girl; at least I find no record of anything
of the kind. Probably at that time the emigration from
Ireland was setting in other directions, and help was hard to
get. That she was a good wife and a contented one I do not
doubt. I find no record in the Scriptures of her throwing
tea-pots, or chairs, or brooms, or anything of the sort at Adam's
head, nor is it put down that at any time she intimated a desire
for a divorce, which proves conclusively that the Garden
of Eden was not located in the State of Indiana. But I judge
that Adam was a good, kind husband. He did not go to his
club at night, for, as near as I can learn, he had no club. His
son Cain had one, however, as his other son, Abel, discovered.
I am certain that he did not insist on smoking cigars in the
back parlor, making the curtains smell. I do not know that
these things are so; but as mankind does to-day what mankind
did centuries ago, it is reasonable to assume, when we
don't know anything about it, that what is done to-day was
done centuries ago. The bulk of mankind have learned nothing
since Adam's time. Eve's duties were not as trying as
those piled upon her daughters. As compared with the fashionable
women of to-day, her lot was less perplexing. Society
was not so exacting in her time. She had no calls to make,
or parties to give and attend. Her toilet was much simpler,
and did not require the entire resources of her intellect. If
her situation is compared with that of the wives of poorer
-- 665 --
[figure description] Page 665.[end figure description]
men, it will be found to be better. They had no meat to dress,
flour to knead, or bread to bake. The trees bore fruit, which
were to be had for the picking; and as they were strict vegetarians,
it sufficed. I have wished that her taste in fruit had
been more easily satisfied, for her unfortunate craving after
one particular variety brought me into trouble. But I have
forgiven her. I shall never reproach her for this. She is
dead, alas! and let her one fault lie undisturbed in the grave
with her. It is well that Eve died when she did. It would
have broken her heart had she lived to see how the most of her
family turned out.
I insist, however, that what labor of a domestic nature was
done, she did. She picked the fruit, pared it and stewed it,
like a dutiful wife. She was no strong-minded female, and
never got out of her legitimate sphere. I have searched the
book of Genesis faithfully, and I defy any one to find it recorded
therein that Eve ever made a public speech, or
expressed any desire to preach, practise law or medicine, or
sit in the legislature of her native State. What a crushing,
withering, scathing, blasting rebuke to the Dickinsons, Stantons,
Blackwells, and Anthonys of this degenerate day.
I find in the Bible many arguments against the equality of
woman with man in point of intellectual power. The serpent
tempted Eve, not Adam. Why did he select Eve? Ah, why,
indeed! Whatever else may be said of Satan, no one will, I
think, question his ability! I do not stand here as his champion
or even apologist; in fact, I am willing to admit that in
many instances his behavior has been ungentlemanly, but no
one will deny that he is a most consummate judge of character,
and that he has never failed to select for his work the most fitting
instruments. In this, as in all other respects, save ability,
A. Johnson was very like him. When America was to be betrayed
the first time, Satan selected Arnold; when the second
betrayal of the Republic was determined upon, he knew where
Jefferson Davis, Floyd, and Buchanan lived; and when he had
other dirty work to do, with unfailing instinct, he clapped his
claw on the shoulders of Chief Justice Chase, as he had before
drafted Seward and Doolittle. When there is a fearful piece
of jobbery to get through Congress or the New York
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legislature, he never fails to select precisely the right persons for
the villany. Possibly he is not entitled to credit for discrimination
in these last-mentioned bodies, for he could not very
well go wrong. He could find instruments in either, with
both hands tied and blindfolded. But this is a digression.
Why did Satan select Eve? Because he knew that Eve the
woman, was weaker than Adam the man, and therefore best
for his purpose. This reckless female insisted that Satan approached
Eve first, because he knew that woman was not
afraid of the devil; but I reject this explanation as irrelevant,
At this point, however, we must stop. Should we go on, we
would find that Eve, the weak woman, tempted Adam, the
strong man, with distinguished success, which would leave us
in this predicament: Satan, stronger than Eve, tempted her to
indulge in fruit. Eve's weakness was demonstrated by her
falling a victim to temptation. Eve tempted Adam; Adam
yielded to Eve; therefore, if Eve was weak in yielding to
Satan, how much weaker was Adam in yielding to Eve? If
Satan had been considerate of the feelings of the conservatives,
his best friends, by the way, in all ages, he would have
tempted Adam first, and caused Adam to tempt Eve. This
would have afforded us the eddifying spectacle of the strong man
leading the weak woman, which would be in accordance with
our idea of the eternal fitness of things. But now that I look
at it again, this would'nt do; for it is necessary to our argument
that the woman should be tempted first, to prove that she
was the weaker of the two. I shall dismiss Adam and Eve with
the remark, that notwithstanding the respect one ought always
to feel for his ancestors, those whose blood is the same as that
running in his veins, I cannot but say that Adam's conduct in
this transaction was weak. If Adam's spirit is listening to me
to-night, I can't help it. I presume he will feel badly to hear
me say it, but truth is truth. Instead of saying boldly, “I
ate!” he attempted to clear his skirts by skulking behind
those of his wife's. “The woman thou gavest me tempted
me and I did eat,” he said, which was paltry. Had Adam been
stronger minded he would have refused the tempting bite, and
then only woman would have been amenable to the death
penalty that followed. This would have killed the legal
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profession in Chicago, for what man who was to live forever would
get a divorce from his wife who could live but eighty or
ninety years at best?
As a conservative, I oppose any advancement of woman,
because she is the inferior of man. This fact is recognized in
all civilized countries, and in most heathen nations. The
Hindoos, it is true, in one of their practices, acknowledge a
superiority of woman. In Hindostan, when a man dies, his
widow is immediately burned, that she may follow him, — an
acknowledgement that woman is as necessary to him in the
next world as in this. As men are never burned when their
wives die, it may be taken as admitting that women are abundantly
able to get along alone; or, perchance it may be because
men in that country, as in this, can get new wives easier than
women can get new husbands. The exit from this world by
fire was probably chosen, that the wife might in some measure
be fitted for the climate in which she might expect to find her
husband.
The inferiority of the sex is easy of demonstration. It has
been said that the mother forms the character of the man so
long, that the proposition has become axiomatic. If this be true,
we can crush those who prate of the equality of women, by
holding up to the gaze of the world the inferior men she has
formed. Look at the Congress of the United States. Look at
Garret Davis. By their works ye shall know them. It won't
do to cite me to the mothers of the good and great men whose
names adorn American History. The number is too small.
There's George Washington, Wendell Phillips, Abraham Lincoln,
and one other, whose name all the tortures of the Inquisition
could not make me reveal. Modesty forbids me.
Those who clamor for the extension of the sphere of woman,
point to the names of women illustrious in history, sacred and
profane. I find, to my discomfiture, that some of the sex
really excelled the sterner. There was Mrs. Jezebel Ahab,
for instance. Ahab wanted the vineyard of Naboth, which
Naboth refused to sell, owing to a prejudice he had against
disposing of real estate which he had inherited. Ahab, who
was not an ornament to his sex, went home sick, and took to
his bed like a girl, and turned away his face, and would eat no
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bread. Mrs. Ahab was made of sterner stuff. “Arise,” said
Mrs. A.; “be merry. I will give thee the vineyard of Naboth
the Jezrelite.” And she did it. She trapped him as neatly as
David did Uriah. She suborned two sons of Belial (by the
way Belial has had a large family, and the stock has not run
out yet), to bear false witness against him, saying that he had
blasphemed God and the King, and they took him out and
stoned him. Ahab got the vineyard. It is true this lady came
to a miserable end, but she accomplished what she desired.
Miss Pocahontas has been held up as a sample of female
strength of mind. I don't deny that she displayed some
decision of character, but it was fearfully unwomanly. When
her father raised his club over the head of the astonished
Smith, instead of rushing in so recklessly, she should have said,
“Please, pa, don't.” Her recklessness was immense. Suppose
Pocahontas had been unable to stay the blow, where
would our Miss have been then? She never would have
married Rolfe; and what would the first families of Virginia
have done for somebody to descend from? When we remember
that all the people of that proud State claim this woman
as their mother, we shudder, or ought to, when we contemplate
the possible consequences of her rashness.
Delilah, whose other name is not recorded, overcame Samson,
the first and most successful conundrum maker of his age, and
Jael, it will be remembered, silenced Sisera forever. Joan of
Arc conquered the English after the French leaders failed,
and Elizabeth of England was the greatest of English rulers.
I acknowledge all this, but then these women had opportunities
beyond those of women in general. They had as many
opportunities as the men of their respective periods had, and
consequently, if they were mentally as great as men, — no,
that isn't what I mean to say, — if the men of the period
were no greater mentally than they — no — if the circumstances
which surrounded them, gave them opportunities, which,
being mentally as great as men — I have this thing mixed up
somehow, and it don't result as it ought to — but this is true;
Delilah, Elizabeth, Joan of Arc — all and singular, unsexed
themselves, and did things unbecoming ladies of refinement
and cultivation. Joan's place was spinning flax in her father's
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hut, and not at the head of armies. Had she followed the
natural mode of feminine life she would not have been burned
at the stake, and the English would not have been interrupted
in their work of reducing France to the condition of an English
province. Had I lived in France, I should have said, “Down
with her! Let us perish under a man rather than be saved by
a woman!” Joan should have been ashamed of herself — I
blush for her. Had Elizabeth been content to entrust her
kingdom to the hands of her cabinet, she would have left it
in the happy condition of the United States at the close of
Buchanan's administration, but she would have been true to
our idea of the womanly life.
There is, in the feminine character, a decisive promptness
which we must admire. Eve ate the apple without a moment's
hesitation, and the characteristic is more beautifully illustrated
in the touching and well reported account of the courtship
and marriage of Rebekah with Isaac. Abraham's servant was
sent, it will be remembered, by such of you as have read the
Bible, to negotiate for a wife for young Isaac among his
kindred, as he had as intense a prejudice against the Canaanites
as have the Democracy of the present day. This servant,
whom we will call Smith, as his name unfortunately has not
been preserved, and Laban, the brother of Rebekah, had almost
arranged the matter. The servant desired to return with the
young lady at once, but the mother and brother desired her
to remain some days, contrary to modern practice, in that the
parents now desire the young lady to get settled in her own
house and off their hands as soon as possible. The servant
insisted, whereupon the mother remarked, “We will call the
damsel and inquire at her mouth.” They called Rebekah and
asked, “Wilt thou go with this man?”
It is related of a damsel in Pike county, Missouri, who was
being wedded to the man whose choice she was, when the
minister officiating asked the usual question, “Wilt thou have
this man to be thy wedded husband?” that dropping her long
eyelashes, she promptly answered, “You bet!” Even so
with Rebekah. She neither fainted, simpered, or blushed.
She did not say that she hadn't a thing fit to put on — that
her clothes weren't home from the dressmakers. No! Using
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the Hebrew equivalent for “you bet!” — for Rebekah was a
smart girl, and young as she was, had learned to speak Hebrew—
when the question was put to her, “Wilt thou go with this
man?” she answered, “I will,” — and she went. I don't know
that this proves anything, unless it be that women of that day
took as great risks for husbands as they do now. Miss Rebekah
had scarcely been introduced to her future husband.
It might be interesting to trace the history of this woman,
but I have hardly the time. I will say, however, that she was
a mistress of duplicity. To get the blessing of her husband
for her pet son Jacob, she put false hair upon him to deceive
the old gentleman, and did it. From that day to this, women
in every place but this, have deceived men, young as well as
old, with false hair.
The feminine habit of thought is not such as to entitle them
to privileges beyond those they now enjoy. No woman was
ever a drayman; no woman ever carried a hod; no woman
ever drove horses on the canals of the country; and what is
more to the point, no woman ever shovelled a single wheelbarrow
of earth on the public works. I triumphantly ask, Did
any woman assist in preparing the road bed of the Pacific
Railway? did any woman drive a spike in that magnificent
structure? No woman is employed in the forging department
of any shop in which is made the locomotives that climb
the Sierra Nevada, whose head-lights beam on the valleys of
the Pacific coast — the suns of our commercial system.
Just as I had this arranged in my mind, this disturbing
female, of whom I have spoken once or twice, asked me
whether carrying hods, driving horses on canals, or shovelling
dirt on railways, had been, in the past, considered the best
training for intelligent participation in political privileges?
She remarked, that judging from the character of most of the
legislation of which she had knowledge, these had been the
schools in which Legislators had been trained, but she hardly
believed that I would acknowledge it. “Make these the
qualifications,” said she, “and where would you be, my friend,
who have neither driven a spike, driven a horse, or shovelled
dirt? It would cut out all of my class (she was a teacher) —
indeed I know of but two women in America who would be
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admitted. The two women I refer to fought a prize fight in
Connecticut recently, observing all the rules of the English ring,
and they displayed as much gameness as was ever shown by
that muscular lawmaker, the Hon. John Morrissey. These women
ought to vote, and if, in the good time coming, women distribute
honors as men have done, they may go to Congress.”
I answered, that these classes had always voted, and therefore
it was right that they should always vote.
“Certainly they have,” returned she, “and as I have heard
them addressed a score of times as the embodied virtue, honesty,
and intelligence of the country, I have come to the conclusion
that there must be something in the labor they do
which fits them peculiarly for the duties of law-making.”
My friend is learned. She has a tolerable knowledge of
Greek, is an excellent Latin scholar, and as she has read the
Constitution of the United States, she excels in political lore
the great majority of our representatives in Congress. But
nevertheless I protest against her voting for several reasons.
1. She cannot sing bass! Her voice, as Dr. Bushnell justly
observes in his blessed book, is pitched higher than the male
voice, which indicates feminine weakness of mind.
2. Her form is graceful rather than strong.
3. She delights in millinery goods.
4. She can't grow whiskers.
In all of these points nature has made a distinction between
the sexes which cannot be overlooked.
To all of these she plead guilty. She confessed that she had
not the strength necessary to the splitting of rails; she confessed
that she could neither grow a beard or sing bass. She
wished she could grow a beard, as she knew so many men
whose only title to intellect was their whiskers. But she said
she took courage when she observed that the same disparity
was noticeable in men. Within the range of her acquaintance
she knew men who had struggled with mustaches with a perseverance
worthy of a better cause, and whose existence had
been blighted by the consciousness that they could not. Life
was to them, in consequence, a failure. Others she knew who
had no more strength than a girl, and others whose voices
were pitched in a childish treble. If beards, heavy voices,
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and physical strength were the qualifications for the ballot, she
would at once betake herself to razors, hair invigorators, and
gymnasiums. She went on thus: —
“In many respects,” she said, “the sexes are alike. Both
are encumbered with stomachs and heads, and both have bodies
to clothe. So far as physical existence is concerned they are
very like. Both are affected by laws made and enacted, and
both are popularly supposed to have minds capable of weighing
the effect of laws. How, thrust into the world as I am,
with a stomach to fill and limbs to clothe, with both hands
tied, am I to live, to say nothing of fulfilling any other end?”
“Woman,” I replied, “is man's angel.”
“Stuff and nonsense,” was her impolite reply. “I am no
angel. I am a woman. Angels, according to our idea of
angels, have no use for clothing. Either their wings are
enough to cover their bodies, or they are so constituted as
not to be affected by heat or cold. Neither do they require
food. I cannot imagine a feminine angel with hoop skirts,
Grecian bend, gaiters and bonnet; or a masculine angel in
tight pantaloons, with a cane and silk hat. Angels do not
cook dinners, but women do. Why do you say angels to us?
It creates angel tastes, without the possibility of their ever
satisfying those tastes. The bird was made to soar in the
upper air, and was therefore provided with hollow bones,
wings, &c. Imagine an elephant or a rhinoceros possessed
with a longing to soar into the infinite ethereal. Could an
elephant, with his physical structure, be possessed with such
a longing, the elephant would be miserable, because he could
not. He would be as miserable as James Fisk, Jr., is, with an
ungobbled railroad; as Bonner would be if Dexter were the
property of another man; and as Salmon P. Chase is with the
Presidency before him. It would be well enough to make
angels of us, if you could keep us in a semi-angelic state; but
the few thus kept only make the misery of those not so
fortunate the more intense. No; treat us rather as human
beings, with all the appetites, wants, and necessities of human
beings, for we are forced to provide for those wants, necessities
and appetites.”
I acknowledge the correctness of her position. They must
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live; not that they are of very much account in and of themselves,
but that the nobler sex may be perpetuated to bless
and adorn the earth. Without woman it would take less than
a century to wind up man, and then what would the world
do? This difficulty is obviated by marriage. All that we have
to do is to marry each man to one woman, and demand of each
man that he care for and cherish one woman, and the difficulty
is got along with. And got along with too, leaving things as
we desire them, namely, with the woman dependent upon the
man. We proceed upon the proposition that there are just as
many men as there are women in the world; that all men will
do their duty in this particular, and at the right time; that
every Jack will get precisely the right Jill, and that every Jill
will be not only willing, but anxious, to take the Jack the Lord
sends her, asking no questions.
If there be one woman more than there are men, it's bad
for that woman. I don't know what she can do, unless she
makes shirts for the odd man, at twelve and a half cents each,
and lives gorgeously on the proceeds of her toil. If one man
concludes that he won't marry at all, it's bad for another
woman, unless some man's wife dies and he marries again.
That might equalize it, but for two reasons: It compels the
woman to wait for a husband till she possibly concludes it isn't
worth while; and furthermore, husbands die as fast as wives,
which brings a new element into the field — widows; and pray
what chance has an inexperienced man against a widow determined
upon a second husband?
I admit, that if there were as many men as women, and if
they should all marry, and the matter be all properly fixed up
at the start, that our present system is still bad for some of
them. She, whose husband gets to inventing flying machines,
or running for office, or any of those foolish or discreditable
employments, would be in a bad situation. Or, when the husband
neglects his duty, and refuses to care for his wife at all;
or, to state a case which no one ever witnessed, suppose one
not only refuses to care for his wife, but refuses to care for
himself! Or, suppose he contracts the injudicious habit of
returning to his home at night in a state of inebriation, and of
breaking chairs, and crockery, and his wife's head, and other
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trifles — in such a case I must admit that her position would
be, to say the least, unpleasant, particularly as she couldn't
help herself. She can't very well take care of herself; for to
make woman purely a domestic creature, to ornament our
homes, we have never permitted them to think for themselves,
act for themselves, or do for themselves. We insist upon her
being a tender ivy clinging to the rugged oak — if the oak
she clings to happens to be bass-wood, and rotten at that, it's
not our fault. In these cases it's her duty to keep on clinging,
and to finally go down with it in pious resignation. The
fault is in the system, and as those who made the system are
dead, and as six thousand brief summers have passed over
their tombs, it would be sacrilege in us to disturb it. Customs,
like cheese, grow mitey as they grow old.
Let every woman marry, and marry as soon as possible.
Then she is provided for. Then the ivy has her oak. Then if
her husband is a good man, a kind man, an honest man, a sober
man, a truthful man, a liberal man, an industrious man, a managing
man, and if he has a good business and drives it, and meets
with no misfortunes, and never yields to temptations, why, then,
the maid promoted to be his wife, will be tolerably certain to,
at least, have all that she can eat, and all that she can wear,
as long as he continues so.
This disturbing woman of whom I have spoken once or
twice, remarked that she did not care for those who were
married happily, but she wanted something done for those who
were not married at all, and those who were married unfortunately.
She liked the ivy and the oak-tree idea, but she
wanted the ivy — woman — to have a stiffening of intelligence
and opportunity, that she might stand alone in case the oak
was not competent to sustain it. She demanded, in short, employment
at anything she was capable of doing, and pay precisely
the same that men receive for the same labor, provided
she does it as well.
This is a clear flying in the face of Providence. It is utterly
impossible that any woman can do any work as well as men.
Nature decreed it otherwise. Nature did not give them the
strength. Ask the clerks at Washington, whose muscular
frames, whose hardened sinews, are employed at from twelve
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hundred to three thousand dollars per annum, in the arduous
and exhausting labor of writing in books, and counting money,
and cutting out extracts from newspapers, and indorsing papers
and filing them, what they think of that? Ask the
brawny young men whose manly forms are wasted away in the
wearing occupation of measuring tape and exhibiting silks,
what they think of it? Are women, frail as they are, to fill
positions in the government offices? I asked her sternly,
“Are you willing to go to war? Did you shoulder a musket
in the late unpleasantness?”
This did not settle her. She merely asked me if I carried
a musket in the late war. Certainly I did not. I had too
much presence of mind to volunteer. Nor did the majority
of those holding official position. Like Job's charger, they
snuffed the battle afar off — some hundreds of miles — and
slew the haughty Southron on the stump, or by substitute.
But there is this difference: we could have gone, while women
could not. And it is better that it is so. In the event of another
bloody war, — one so desperate as to require all the patriotism
of the country to show itself, — I do not want my wife
to go to the tented field, even though she have the requisite
physical strength. No, indeed! I want her to stay at home—
with me!
In the matter of wages, I do not see how it is to be helped.
The woman who teaches a school, receives, if she has thoroughly
mastered the requirements of the position, say six
hundred dollars per year, while a man occupying the same
position, filling it with equal ability, receives twice that
amount, and possibly three times. But what is this to me?
As a man of business, my duty to myself is to get my children
educated at the least possible expense. As there are but very
few things women are permitted to do, and as for every vacant
place there are a hundred women eager for it, as a matter of
course, their pay is brought down to a very fine point. As I
said some minutes ago, if the men born into the world would
marry at twenty-one, each a maiden of eighteen, and take care
of her properly, and never get drunk, or sick, or anything of
that inconvenient sort, and both would be taken at precisely
the same time with consumption, yellow fever, cholera, or any
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one of those cheerful ailments, and employ the same physician,
that they might go out of the world at the same moment, and
become angels with wings and long white robes, it would be
well enough. The men would then take care of the women,
except those who marry milliners, in which case the women
take care of the men, which amounts to the same thing, as the
one dependent upon somebody else is taken care of. But it
don't so happen. Men do not marry as they ought at twenty-one;
they put it off to twenty-five, thirty, or forty, and many
of them are wicked enough not to marry at all; and of those
who do marry there will always be a certain per cent. who
will be dissipated or worthless. What then? I can't deny
that there will be women left out in the cold. There are those
who don't marry, and those who cannot. Possibly the number
thus situated would be lessened if we permitted women to
rush in and seize men, and marry them, nolens volens, but the
superior animal will not brook that familiarity. He must do
the wooing — he must ask the woman in his lordly way. Compelled
to wait to be asked, and forced to marry that they may
have the wherewithal to eat and be clothed, very many of
them take fearful chances. They dare not, as a rule, refuse
to marry. Man must, as the superior being, have the choice
of occupations, and it is a singular fact that, superior as he is
by virtue of his strength, he rushes invariably to the occupations
that least require strength, and which woman might fill
to advantage. They monopolize all the occupations — the
married man has his family to take care of — the single man
has his back hair to support; what is to become of these unfortunate
single women — maids and widows? Live they must.
They have all the necessities of life to supply, and nothing to
supply them with. What shall they do? Why, work of
course. But say they, “We are willing to work, but we must
have wages.” Granted. But how shall we get at the wages —
what shall be the standard? I must get my work done as
cheaply as possible. Now if three women — a widow, we will
say, with five children to support; a girl who has to work or
do worse; and a wife with an invalid husband to feed, clothe,
and find medicine for — if these three come to my door, clamoring
for the love of God for something to do, what shall I, as
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a prudent man, do in the matter? There are immutable laws
governing all these things — the law of supply and demand.
Christ, whose mission was with the poor, made other laws, but
Christ is not allowed to have anything to do with business.
Selfishness is older than Christ, and we Conservatives stick
close to the oldest. What do I do? Why, as a man of business,
I naturally ascertain which of the three is burdened with
the most crushing responsibilities and necessities. I ascertain
to a mouthful the amount of food necessary to keep each, and
then the one who will do my work for the price nearest starvation
rates gets it to do. If the poor girl prefers the pittance
I offer her to a life of shame, she gets it. If the wife is
willing to work her fingers nearer the bone than the others,
rather than abandon her husband, she gets it; and speculating
on the love the mother bears her children, I see how much of
her life the widow will give to save theirs, and decide accordingly.
I know very well that these poor creatures cannot saw
wood, wield the hammer, or roll barrels on the docks. I know
that custom bars them out of many employments, and that the
more manly vocations of handling ribbons, manipulating telegraphic
instruments, &c., are monopolized by men. Confined
as they are to a few vocations, and there being so many hundreds
of thousands of men who will not each provide for one,
there are necessarily ten applicants for every vacancy; and
there being more virtue in the sex than the world has ever
given them credit for, of course they accept, not what their
labor is worth to me and the world, but what I and the
world choose to give for it. It is bad, I grant, but it is the
fault of the system. It is a misfortune, we think, that there are
so many women, and we weep over it. I am willing to shed
any amount of tears over this mistake of nature.
But women are themselves to blame for a great part of the
distress they experience. There is work for more of them, if
they would only do it. The kitchens of the country are not
half supplied with intelligent labor, and therein is a refuge for
all women in distress.
I assert that nothing but foolish pride keeps the daughters
of insolvent wealth out of kitchens, where they may have
happy underground homes and three dollars per week, by
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merely doing six hours per day more labor than hod-carriers
average.
This is what they would do were it not for pride, which is
sinful. They should strip the jewels off their fingers, the laces
off their shoulders; they should make a holocaust of their
music and drawings, and, accepting the inevitable, sink with
dignity to the washing of dishes, the scrubbing of floors, and
the wash-tub. This their brothers do, and why haven't they
their strength of mind? Young men delicately nurtured and
reared in the lap of luxury, never refuse the sacrifice when
their papas fail in business. They always throw to the winds
their cigars; they abjure canes and gloves, and mount drays,
and shoulder saw-bucks — anything for an honest living. I
never saw one of these degenerate into a sponge upon society
rather than labor with his hands! Did you? I never saw
one of this class get to be a faro dealer, a billiard marker, a
borrower of small sums of money, a lunch-fiend, a confidenceman,
or anything of the sort. Not they! Giving the go by
to everything in the shape of luxuries, they invariably descend
to the lowest grades of manual labor rather than degenerate
into vicious and immoral courses. Failing the kitchen, women
may canvass for books, though that occupation, like a few
others equally profitable, and which also brings them into continual
contact with the lords of creation, has a drawback in
the fact that some men leer into the face of every woman who
strives to do business for herself, as though she were a moral
leper; and failing all these, she may at least take to the needle.
At this last occupation she is certain of meeting no competition,
save from her own sex. In all my experience, and it has been
extensive, I never yet saw a man making pantaloons at twelve
and one half cents per pair. But they will not all submit.
Refusing to acknowledge the position in life nature fixed for
them they rebel, and unpleasantnesses take place. An incident
which fell under my observation recently illustrates this
beautifully. A young lady, named Jane Evans, I believe, had
sustained the loss of both her parents. The elder Evanses
had been convinced by typhoid fever that this was a cold world,
and, piloted by two doctors, had sailed out in search of a better
one. Jane had a brother, a manly lad of twenty, who, rather
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than disgrace the ancient lineage of the Evanses by manual
labor, took up the profession of bar-tender. Jane was less
proud, and as her brother did nothing for her, she purchased
some needles, and renting a room in the uppermost part of a
building in a secluded part of the city of New York, commenced
a playful effort to live by making shirts at eighteen
cents each, for a gentleman named Isaacs. She was situated,
I need not say, pleasantly for one of her class. Her room was
not large, it is true, but as she had no cooking-stove or bedstead,
what did she want of a large room? She had a window
which didn't open, but as there was no glass in it, she had
no occasion to open it. This building commanded a beautiful
view of the back parts of other buildings similar in appearance,
and the sash kept out a portion of the smell. Had that
sash not been in that window-frame, I do not suppose that she
could have staid on account of the smell; at least I heard
her say that she got just as much of it as she could endure.
And in this delightful retreat she sat and sat, and sewed and
sewed. Sometimes in her zeal she would sew till late in the
night, and she always was at her work very early in the morning.
She paid rent promptly, for the genial old gentleman of
whom she leased her room had a sportive habit of kicking
girls into the street who did not pay promptly, and she managed
every now and then, did this economical girl, to purchase
a loaf of bread, which she ate.
One Saturday night she took her bundle of work to the delightful
Mr. Isaacs. Jane had labored sixteen hours per day
on them, and she had determined, as Sunday was close at
hand, to have for her breakfast, in addition to her bread, a
small piece of mutton. Mutton! Luxurious living destroyed
ancient Rome! But Mr. Isaacs found fault with the making
of these shirts. They were not properly sewed, he said, and
he could not in consequence pay her the eighteen cents each
for making, which was the regular price. Jane then injudiciously
cried about it. Now, Mr. Isaacs was, and is, possessed
of a tender heart. He has a great regard for his feelings, and
as he could not bear to see a woman cry, he forthwith kicked
her out of his store into the snow.
What did this wicked girl do? Did she go back and ask
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pardon of the good, kind, tender-hearted Mr. Isaacs? Not
she! On the contrary she clenched her hands, and passing by
a baker's shop, stole a loaf of bread, and, brazen thing that she
was, in pure bravado, she ate it in front of the shop. She said
she was hungry, when it was subsequently proven that she
had eaten within forty hours. Justice was swift upon the
heels of the desperate wretch — it always is, by the way, close
behind the friendless. She was arrested by a policeman, who
was opportunely there, as there was a riot in progress in the
next street at the time, which was providential, for had there
been no riot in the next street, the policeman would have been
in that street, and Jane Evans might have got away with her
plunder. She was conveyed to the city prison; was herded
in a cell in which were other women who had progressed farther
than she had; was afterwards arraigned for petty larceny,
and sent to prison for sixty days. Now see how surely evildoers
come to bad ends. The wretched Jane, — this fearfully
depraved Jane, — unable after such a manifestation of depravity
to hold up her head, fell into bad ways. Remorse for the
stealing of that loaf of bread so preyed upon her that she
wandered about the streets of the city five days, asking for
work, and finally threw herself off a wharf. O, how her
brother, the bar-tender, was shocked at this act! Had she continued
working cheerily for Mr. Isaacs, accepting the situation
like a Christian, taking life, as she found it, would she have
thrown herself off a dock? Never! So you see women who
do not want to steal bread, and be arrested, and go off wharves,
must take Mr. Isaacs' pay as he offers it, and must work
cheerily sixteen hours a day, whether they get anything to
eat or not. Had this wretched girl gone back contentedly to
her room, and starved to death cheerfully, she would not have
stolen bread, she would not have lacerated the feelings of her
brother the bar-tender, and would have saved the city of New
York the expense and trouble of fishing her out of the dock.
Such women always make trouble.
The women who fancy they are oppressed, demand, first,
the ballot, that they may have power to better themselves;
and, second, the change of custom and education, that they
may have free access to whatever employment they have
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the strength and capacity to fill, and to which their inclination
leads them.
Most emphatically I object to the giving of them the ballot.
It would overturn the whole social fabric. The social fabric
has been overturned a great many times, it is true — so many
times, indeed, that it seems rather to like it; but I doubt
whether it would be strong enough to endure this. I have
too great, too high, too exalted an opinion of woman. I insist
that she shall not dabble in the dirty pool of politics; that
she shall keep herself sacred to her family, whether she has
one or not; and under no consideration shall she go beyond the
domestic circle of which she is the centre and ornament.
There are those who have an insane yearning to do something
beyond the drudgery necessary to supply the commonest wants
of life, and others who have all of these, who would like to
round up their lives with something beyond dress and the unsatisfactory
trifles of fashionable life. There may be women
turning night into day over the needle, for bread that keeps
them just this side of potter's field, who are unreasonable
enough to repine at the system that compels them to this; and
they may, possibly, in secret wish that they had the power in
their hands that would make men court their influence, as the
hod-carrier's is courted, for the vote he casts. The seamstress,
toiling for a pittance that would starve a dog, no doubt prays
for the power that would compel lawmakers to be as careful of
her interests as they are of the interests of the well-paid male
laborers in the dock-yards, who, finding ten hours a day too
much for them, were permitted by act of Congress to draw
ten hours' pay for eight hours' work. The starved colorer of
lithographs, the pale, emaciated tailoress, balancing death and
virtue; drawing stitches with the picture of the luxurious
brothel held up by the devil before her, where there is light,
and warmth, and food, and clothing, and where death is, at
least, farther off; no doubt this girl wishes at times that she
could have that potent bit of paper between her fingers that
would compel blatant demagogues to talk of the rights of
workingwomen as well as of workingmen.
But woman would lose her self-respect if she mixed with
politicians. Most men do; and how could woman hope to
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escape. Think you that any pure woman could be a member
of the New York, New Jersey, or Pennsylvania legislatures, and
remain pure? For the sake of the generations to come, I desire
that one sex, at least, shall remain uncontaminated. Imagine
your wife or your sister accepting a bribe from a lobby member!
Imagine your wife or your sister working a corrupt measure
through the legislature, and becoming gloriously elevated
upon champaign in exultation over the result! No! I insist
that these things shall be confined to man, and man alone.
The mixing of women in politics, as all the writers on the
subject have justly remarked, would lower the character of
the woman without elevating that of the man. Imagine, O,
my hearers, a woman aspiring for office, as men do! Imagine
her button-holing voters, as men do! Imagine her lying gliby
and without scruple, as men do! Imagine her drinking with
the lower classes, as men do! of succeeding by the grossest
fraud, as men do! of stealing public money when elected, as
men do! and finally of sinking into the lowest habits, the vilest
practices, as Dr. Bushnell, in several places in his blessed book
on the subject, asserts that men do! You see that to make
the argument good, that women would immediately fall to a
very deep depth of degradation the moment they vote, we
must show that the act of voting compels men to this evil; at
least that is what Dr. Bushnell proves, if he proves anything.
We must show that the holding of an office by man is proof
positive that he has committed crime enough to entitle him to
a cell in a penitentiary, and that he who votes is in a fair way
thereto. Before reading the doctor's book, I was weak enough
to suppose that there were in the United States some hundreds
of thousands of very excellent men, whose long service
in church and state was sufficient guarantee of their excellence;
whose characters were above suspicion, and who had lived,
and would die, honest, reputable citizens. But as all male
citizens above the age of twenty-one vote, and as voting necessarily
produces these results, why, then we are all drunkards,
tricksters, thieves, and plunderers. This disturbing woman, to
whom I read Dr. Bushnell's book, remarked that if voting
tended to so demoralize men, and as they had always voted, it
would be well enough for all the women to vote just once,
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that they might all go to perdition together. I am compelled
to the opinion that the doctor is mistaken. I know of quite a
number of men who go to the polls unmolested, who vote their
principles quietly, and go home the better for having exercised
the right. I believe that, before and since Johnson's administration,
there have been honest men in office. But no woman
could do these things in this way. It would unsex her,
just as it does when a woman labors for herself alone.
Again. I object to giving the ballot to woman, because we
want peace. We don't want divided opinion in our families.
As it is, we must have a most delightful unanimity. An
individual cannot possibly quarrel with himself. As it is
now arranged, man and wife are one, and the man is that one.
In all matters outside the house the wife has no voice, and
consequently there can be no differences. O, what a blessed
thing it would be if the same rule could obtain among men!
Had the Radicals had no votes or voices, there would have
been no war, for the Democracy, having it all their own way,
there would have been nothing to quarrel about. It was
opposition that forced Jefferson Davis to appeal to arms.
True, the following of this idea would dwarf the Republicans
into pygmies, and exalt the Democracy into giants. My misguided
friend, Wendell Phillips, would shrink into a commonplace
man, possibly he would lose all manhood, had he been
compelled to agree with Franklin Pierce or hold his tongue.
It would be bad for Wendell, but there would have been a
calm as profound as stagnation itself. Our present system
may be bad for women, but we, the men, have our own way —
and peace. Our wives and daughters are, I know, driven,
from sheer lack of something greater, to take refuge in disjointed
gabble of bonnets, cloaks, and dresses, and things of
that nature, their souls are dwarfed as well as their bodies,
their minds are diluted — but we have peace.
Once more. It would unbalance society. Starting upon
the assumption that women have no minds of their own, and
would always be controlled by men, we can show wherein the
privilege would work incalculable mischief. Imagine Brigham
Young marching to the polls at the head of a procession of wives
one hundred and seventy-three in number, all of them with
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such ballots in their hands as he selects for them! Put
Brigham and his family in a close congressional district and
he would swamp it. Then, again, if they should think for
themselves, and vote as they pleased, they would overthrow
Brigham. In either case the effect would be terrible.
What shall we do with the woman question? It is upon us,
and must be met. I have tried for an hour to be a conservative,
but it won't do. Like poor calico, it won't wash. There
are in the United States some millions of women who desire
something better than the lives they and their mothers have
been living. There are millions of women who have minds and
souls, and who yearn for something to develop their minds
and souls. There are millions of women who desire to have
something to think about, to assume responsibilities, that they
may strengthen their moral natures, as the gymnast lifts
weights to strengthen his physical nature. There are hundreds
of thousands of women who have suffered in silence
worse evils by far than the slaves of the South, who, like the
slaves of the South, have no power to redress their wrongs,
no voice so potent that the public must hear. In the parlor,
inanity and frivolity; in the cottage, hopeless servitude,
unceasing toil; a dark life, with a darker ending. This is
the condition of woman in the world to-day. Thousands starving
physically for want of something to do, with a world calling
for labor; thousands starving mentally, with an unexplored
world before them. One half of humanity is a burden
on the other half.
I know, O, ye daughters of luxury, that you do not desire a
change. There is no need of it for you. Your silks could
not be more costly, your jewels could not flash more brightly,
nor your surroundings be more luxurious. Your life is pleasant
enough. But I would compel you to think, and thinking,
act. I would put upon your shoulders responsibilities
that would make rational beings of you. I would make you
useful to humanity and to yourselves. I would give the
daughters of the poor, as I have helped to give the sons
of the poor, the power in their hands to right their own
wrongs.
There is nothing unreasonable in this demand. The change
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is not so great as those the world has endured time and again
without damage. To give the ballot to the women of America
to-day, would not be so fearful a thing as it was ten years ago
to give it to the negro, or as it was a hundred years ago to
give it to the people.
I would give it, and take the chances. The theory of
Republicanism is, that the governing power must rest in the
hands of the governed. There is no danger in truth. If the
woman is governed, she has a right to a voice in the making
of laws. To withhold it is to dwarf her, and to dwarf woman
is to dwarf the race.
I would give the ballot to woman for her own sake, for I
would enlarge the borders of her mind. I would give it to
her for the sake of humanity. I would make her of more use
to humanity by making her more fit to mould humanity. I
would strengthen her, and through her the race. The ballot
of itself would be of direct use to but few, but indirectly its
effects would reach through all eternity. It would compel a
different life. It would compel woman to an interest in life,
would fit her to struggle successfully against its mischances,
and prepare her for a keener, higher, brighter appreciation of
its blessings. Humanity is now one-sided. There is strength
on the one side and weakness on the other. I would have
both sides strong. I would have the two sides equal in
strength, equally symmetrical; differing only as nature made
them, not as man and custom have distorted them. In this
do we outrage custom? Why, we have been overturning
customs six thousand years, and there are yet enough hideous
enormities encumbering the earth to take six thousand years
more to kill. In the beginning, when force was the law, there
were kings. The world tired of kings. There were false
religions. Jesus of Nazareth overturned them. Luther
wrecked a venerable system when he struck the church of
Rome with his iron hand; your fathers and mine stabbed a
hoary iniquity when they overturned kingcraft on this continent,
and Lovejoy, Garrison, and Phillips struck an institution
which ages had sanctioned when they assaulted slavery. The
old is not always the best.
I would have your daughters fitted to grapple with life
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alone, for no matter how you may leave them, you know not
what fate may have in store for them. I would make them
none the less women, but stronger women, better women. Let
us take this one step for the sake of humanity. Let us
do this much towards making humanity what the Creator
intended it to be, — like Himself.
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“IN SEARCH OF THE MAN OF SIN. ”
[figure description] Page 687.[end figure description]
A LECTURE
DELIVERED IN MUSIC HALL, BOSTON, DEC. 29, 1870.
I do not wish to be considered egotistic, for of all junior
blemishes in human nature egotism is to my mind the most
objectionable. He who stands perpetually and perpendicularly
as the capital letter I, with an exclamation point after it (the
latter calling attention to the former), is an unmixed nuisance
to society at large, and a particular and especial nuisance to
all with whom he may come into more immediate contact. The
honesty that needs self-proclamation will bear watching; the
man who blows his own trumpet generally plays a solo; and
besides, he adds falsehood to egotism, for he seldom has the
virtues he proclaims. Honest merit is always retiring and
shrinking, — which explains the cause of my being so little
known.
Yet a man may at times properly speak of himself; and this
is one of the times. That you may start fairly with me I must
refer to myself; but I shall do it with that modesty for which
I — and George Francis Train — are so celebrated, and touch
it as lightly, briefly, and delicately as possible.
I am a most excellent man — indeed, I know of no one who
has more qualities to be commended, and fewer to be condemned.
I commenced being good at a very early age, and
built myself up on the best models. I was yet an infant when
I read the affecting story of the hacking down of the cherry
tree by George Washington, and his manly statement to his
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father that he could not tell a lie. I read the story, and it
filled me with a desire to surpass him. I was not going to
allow any such boy as George Washington, if he did afterwards
get to be a President, to excel me in the moralities. Immediately
I seized an axe and cut down the most valuable cherry
tree my father had; and more, I dug up the roots, and burned
the branches, so that by no means could the variety be preserved;
and I went a skating one Sunday, that I might confess
the two faults, and be wept over and forgiven on account
of my extreme truthfulness. The experiments were, I regret
to say, partial failures. I was very much like George Washington;
but the trouble was, my father didn't resemble George
Washington's father to any alarming extent, which was essential
to the success of the scheme.
“Did you cut down that cherry tree?” asked he.
“Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little hatchet,”
I answered, striking the proper attitude for the old gentleman
to shed tears on me. But he didn't shed. He remarked that
he had rather I had told a thousand lies than to have cut down
that particular tree, and he whipped me till I was in a state of
exasperating rawness. As he gave me the last cut, he remarked
that the next time I wanted to give my virtues an
airing I had better select a less valuable tree. My skating
idea was no less a failure. I broke through the ice that Sunday
and was pulled out with difficulty — and a boat-hook. As
I lay sick for a month with a fever, I didn't get a chance to
get off the Washingtonian remark that time.
In addition to my excellence — I might say, absolute perfection—
of character (I put it, you see, as mildly as possible,
for modesty prevents me from saying all that I might of myself)
to these qualities of the heart, I have wisdom — natural
and acquired. Natural wisdom, for I was born in Maine,
which is proof positive, for doth not the Scriptures say the
wise men came from the East? (Their leaving the East was
then, as now, the great proof of their wisdom.) Acquired
wisdom, in proof of which I cite the fact that I went to Indiana
a married man, and after a residence of two years returned
with the same wife. I also went to the far West, and came
back without investing in a single corner lot. And that, too,
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in towns where the speculative proprietors have the thing
brought down to so fine a point that they ship the bodies of
those who die in them to the East, that the reputation of their
embryo cities for health may not be called in question. I
might also say that I am able to put those champion nuisances
of the age, life insurance agents, to route, but I will not, for you
wouldn't believe it.
I am a friend of humanity. I weep with such ease, and so
continuously, at the sight of distress, that I am known among
my intimate friends as that “benevolent old hydraulic ram.”
No man living has shed more tears over the woes of humanity,
and no man has collected more money — of his neighbors —
to relieve those woes.
That I am a patriot, I showed by not volunteering in the late
war after I was drafted, but by sending a substitute. So
much did I desire the success of the national cause, that I
wanted only good men at the front. The company that I was
to have gone in thought as I did, as the resolution they passed,
thanking me fervently for sending a man, instead of going myself,
sufficiently attests.
I have lived for many years in an obscure village in Vermont,
in which I am a man of some note. It don't take much
of a man to be of some note in a village of six hundred people.
I have a house there, in which I dwell all alone with my
books and my virtues — studying the one with profit, and contemplating
the other with delight. I have a farm and a stone quarry
there, though it puzzles visitors to determine just where the
farm ends and the stone quarry begins; and though I don't raise
much, I manage to eke out a comfortable existence by selling
one thousand-dollar sheep and Early Rose potatoes to western
farmers, and acting as solicitor for a theological seminary, lecturing
on temperance, and organizing Sunday schools, sandwiching
in between the two the selling of washing-machines.
I was entirely satisfied that I was devoid of sin, and believed
(not going out much) that there was none to speak of
in my neighbors. But I was aware that outside of our little
world wickedness had a vigorous existence and was rampant.
“There are,” I said to myself, “1,000,000,000 of people in the
world, my village included, of whom 999,999,400 are morally
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bound to share the fate of the wicked; five hundred and ninety-nine
may possibly get through by a close shave, and one
will be certain of a blissful future. I had no doubt of the triumphant
escape of one from all the evils which follow wickedness,
nor need I say that that one, that perfectly pure man—
was myself!
But the existence of sin, even at a distance, worried me.
I desired to have the whole world as pure, as good, at least, as
my neighbors; nay, I would, were such a thing possible, have
the whole world as pure and as good as myself, though I dared
not to hope for so much.
I determined to reform the world, or at least do something
towards it. Knowledge of what one is to do is essential to
success, and that I might get that knowledge I deliberately
left my home and wandered out in search of the man of sin.
Where should I go? To the islands of the sea, where the
rude islanders disport themselves on the burning sands, in
wretched ignorance of pantaloons, and the cheerful fact that
there is a lake of fire and brimstone in which they will eventually
be plunged? No! The missionaries convey to them
the catechism, and teach them to make themselves uncomfortable
in pantaloons; the merchant follows quickly with that
other civilizing agent, rum, which to their untutored stomachs
is lightning, and those not converted by the one are killed by
the other. The islanders are provided for. To Rome? To
Paris? To Boston? To the Indians of the West? No! The
Italians don't know any better, so they are not responsible;
the Parisians may plead temptations too great to be resisted,
for they have the plucking of all the rich idiots in the world.
I asked a Boston man, and he indignantly denied that there
had been any sin in Boston since Fulton's time; and, as the
Indians of the West generally confine their tonsorial operations
to government agents, their love of murder becomes a virtue.
I went to none of these. He who goes in search of sin
purchases a ticket for New York — that is, if he desires to see
the article in all its native fierceness. Some one said to me
that New York was the place to find original sin; but I do not
so believe. I found there none but the improved article.
When boys of experience go swimming, they plunge into the
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water all over, that they may take the shock at once and be
done with it. With the same idea, I wanted to see first the
hugest and largest specimen of wickedness I could find — the
Ichthyosaurus of iniquity — before taking the whales, the porpoises,
and the smaller fry.
“Show me the largest thing you have in wickedness,” said
I to my friend, who immediately tossed up a copper to determine
whether he should introduce me to a Wall Street gold
speculator, a railroad manager, a ward politician, or a burglar.
It was, he said, an even thing between them. The railroad
manager was indicated by the fall of coin, and I was introduced
to one. I found him at ten in the morning managing a
road to which he had not the ghost of a title; at eleven, lunching
with the ballet girls and their hangers on, who found employment
at his theatre, which, by the way, was purchased
with money earned by the railroad which the stockholders did
not get; at twelve, remorselessly ruining a score of brokers
who trusted his word; in the afternoon, dining with his corps
of ballet girls, and his own professional bullies; and going to
his bed in the morning, not for sleep, but for the quiet it afforded
him, to devise new and more startling rascalities. This
man was a rascal born. He was possessed of not a particle of
principle; there wasn't about him the slightest odor of honesty—
he would have said “taint” in place of odor; he was
rotten from top to bottom, and all through. He wallowed in
infamy, not from any necessity, but because he preferred and
liked it. He owned courts of justice, and controlled them; he
had judges in his hands and sheriffs at his beck, and with
these as his instruments he committed outrages, the lightest
of which, in a decently governed community, would have consigned
him to a cell in a penitentiary, and on the frontier would
have made him ornament a limb of a tree. Yet this man
was, and is, courted, and flattered, and feasted; statesmen sit
at his table; judges lunch with him, and New York feels honored
by his being a citizen.
I visited Vanderbilt, and inspected the leaky steamers he sent
to California, and from which, passage always being exacted
in advance, he made so much money. I gazed with wonder
at a brass statue of himself he erected over the Harlem depot.
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I should have been pleased with the statue, and thanked the
Lord for it, had it been the work of his administrators.
I interviewed James Gordon Bennett, and spent two days
in Wall Street. Determined to know by actual experiment
how far brazen-faced imposition, deliberate insolence, and
swindling could go, I took rooms at a first-class hotel, where
the clerks wear diamond pins, and where, if you address them
as “clerk,” you will get no answer, as they insist upon being
recognized, not as “clerks,” but as “gentlemen connected
with the hotel.” That I might know how deep politicians
dive, I attended a Democratic caucus in the Sixth Ward, and a
few days after stood around the polls and saw the repeaters
vote. Following along in this channel, I was presented to
Fernando Wood and his brother Ben; and right here I desire
to pay a tribute to these men. It requires an intellectual man
to be a very bad man. The stupid bad man who merely drifts,
will strike occasionally some rich nuggets of sin; the quick
intellect knows where to go for them and how to unearth
them. The great bad man must have sense enough to distinguish
between right and wrong, cussedness enough to choose
the latter, and brains enough to do something startling in that
way. The brothers Wood possess all these qualities in an
eminent degree. There may be some sins that they have not
committed, but if there are, it is only because they could not
reach them, and they doubtless experience the pangs of remorse
as they are made aware of their inability.
I saw the Hon. John Morrisey, and made the acquaintance
of a dozen street contractors. My friend, who knew the object
of my coming, invited me to visit Water Street, and see
men of the John Allen stripe, and also to explore the Peter
Funk auction shops, but I declined. Why go from the greater
to the smaller? Why investigate small scoundrels after going
through the big ones?
I made the acquaintance of a distinguished pugilist who
was in training for a congressional nomination. He had committed
a magnificent burglary, which was complicated somewhat
with murder, had killed a man in a bar-room fight, and
was about to appear in the prize ring.
It was a blessed thing for me that I got out of New York as
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I did. I hadn't been there three days before I felt an almost
irresistible desire to steal something; the fourth day I could
lie like a telegraph despatch, and I suppose in a week I should
have got to be as bad as the rest of them.
It was also a blessed thing that I did not go to Washington
during the administrations of Johnson or Buchanan. Going
when I did I saw enough. In that virtuous city my investigations
were confined to the three classes which make up its
resident population — namely, those who have been in office,
those who are in office, and those who want to be in office.
They may be distinguished by the paper collars they wear:
the first and last classes always wear dirty ones. The first
class spends its whole time in devising means to get away; the
second, in getting their salaries raised that they may live on
them, and in making their stay perpetual; the third, in getting
something to eat till they get into the second class. My investigations
were principally among the office-holders, and the
highest of them.
I saw cadetships sold for dollars; in fact, I was present at
one transaction of the kind where the buyer and the representative
who had the place for sale disagreed about twenty-five
dollars, the difference being almost enough to split the trade.
The man who wanted the cadetship swore roundly that he
could get one cheaper. The representative swore with equal
vehemence that it was impossible, as the vacancies had been
mostly sold, and there were but few in the market. The scene
reminded me so much of an encounter between two keen
horse-jockeys in my beloved Vermont, that, like the Swiss soldier
who hears the music of his native mountains, I wept.
The buyer insisted that he had been offered them for less,
whereupon the representative let him into a congressional
trade-trick. He revealed the fact that members who were in
arrears for board were in the habit of selling cadetships which
they didn't have. “Go,” said the virtuous member, “go and
buy a cadetship of one of them, but demand proof that your
son will be appointed, before you pay your money. You'll
come back to me quick enough, and be glad to deal with an
honest man.” The difference was finally compromised. The
buyer was one of the aristocracy of America, a manufacturer
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of patent medicines, and he had some millions of circulars
which he desired to send through the mails. He paid the
twenty-five dollars, and in consideration thereof had the use
of the member's frank for twenty days.
I met judges of courts in the Southern States, who, ten
years ago, were hostlers in livery stables in the North, and
whose knowledge of criminal law they had gained from standing
in the prisoner's dock. I met other carpet-baggers, equally
meritorious, who overrun the conquered South like locusts,
and who were just as voracious. Here the simile ends. They
did not devour the green things they came upon — they preserved
them carefully for the sake of their votes.
I was mistaken twice for a correspondent, and was offered
a hundred dollars each time to write a speech for a member
who was never sober enough to do it for himself. The wife
of the member loved to live in Washington, and she felt that
her husband must deliver a speech for effect at home. She
assured me that, while that efficient lawmaker was never sober
enough to write a speech, she had sufficient confidence in her
strategic powers to believe she could keep him sober long
enough to deliver a short one. This woman was too devoted
to her husband, and was wonderful in the ingeniousness of
her apologies for his shortcomings. She insisted to his constituents
that he would never do anything wrong, but for
liquor. “He was in liquor when he did it,” was her excuse
for all his sins. When a temperance man reproached him for
breaking the pledge of total abstinence, which he took to secure
his renomination, she exclaimed, with touching pathos,
“O, sir, forgive him; he was in liquor when he broke that
pledge!”
I saw men who had the reputation of being tolerably honest
at home, voting away millions of acres of public lands to
swindling corporations; but I did not see the transfer to them
of their slice of the plunder. If I had seen this part of the
play, I would not have exclaimed against their stupidity and
carelessness, as I did at the time. In characterizing them as
stupid and careless I did them great injustice. Every man of
them knew what he was about; in fact, no one but a man who
knows what he is about can live in a gorgeous mansion, drink
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champagne, and maintain such luxuries as carriages and
servants, in a high-priced city like Washington, on a salary of
five thousand dollars per year. It is true they have mileage
in addition, and it is true also that members from New York
go to Washington by way of New Orleans, and members from
Kentucky by way of Bangor, Maine, but that will not account
for their ability to meet such enormous expenditures. It is a
cruel injustice to stigmatize a man as stupid who goes to
Washington poor and returns rich on that salary.
I was particularly interested in men who had managed to
maintain their seats in Congress twelve years by riding one
hobby, and howling all those terrible years one cry. They
were political hand-organs, who could grind out only the tune
to which they were originally set, and, disprivacied or undisprivacied,
they ground out that tune with damnable sameness
and fiendish continuosity. These men were incapable
of voting intelligently on any question, and had not sense
enough to know that, when the institution, the denunciation
of which had made them, was dead, that they were dead, also.
They were political corpses; but instead of being content to
rest quietly in their graves, as gentlemanly and well-regulated
corpses do, they insisted upon walking up and down the earth
with their cerements clinging to them. They insisted upon
re-nominations and re-elections, shrieking that their fidelity to
principle, as they termed their extreme fidelity to themselves,
entitled them to a life-lease of a position in which they might
rattle around, but could never fill.
One man, who had represented an advanced anti-slavery
district, every voter in which was way beyond Wendell
Phillips in his abolitionism, claimed the admiration of the
world for having never wavered in his devotion to freedom,
and the people yielded their praise, forgetting that had he
ever wavered as much as a hair's breadth it would have been
his political death. Because he had always voted with his
party on the slavery question, which any man who can distinguish
between right and wrong may comprehend, he asked
to be allowed to continue in Congress and vote upon such
questions as banks, tariffs, and other nice points in governmental
matters, upon which men of ability have spent years
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of earnest thought. One of this class, who was on the Committee
of Ways and Means, knowing me to be a man of
business, asked me to tell him something about the National
Debt.
This legislator explained to me his method of doing the
business of the public. He said that it was easy enough in
1866 to vote on the nigger question, even if it did get complicated
sometimes, for all he had to do was to vote as Thad
Stevens and Shellabarger did. The roll is called alphabetically,
R S T, &c. His name was fortunately Thompson, and
could only be called after Stevens. Had it been Adams, or
Albright, or Banning, or Brown, or Curtis, or Channing, he
would have been compelled to resign. But being Thompson,
and T coming in the alphabet after S, it was easy enough.
Stevens, yea; Shellabarger, yea; Thompson, yea; and vice
versa.
But the poor man was now in a bad way. Stevens is dead,
and gone where all good men go. After a stormy life he is at
last in heaven and at peace. In heaven, for he always
fought for the right; at peace, for there are no pro-slavery
Democrats there for him to fight. Stevens is dead, and
Shellabarger is out of Congress, and the two Republican
Representatives in the House whose names begins with S,
are on different sides on all the questions of the day. Puzzled
which side to take, he turned to the platforms of the party, but
found, to his disgust, that they covered both sides, as all platforms
do. He had observed that the platforms were always
made by Federal office-holders, and singularly enough, that
whatever else they might contain, they invariably indorsed
the administration of President Grant, and he went to that
great man to find out, if possible, what the principles of the
party were. “With which wing do you hold?” asked the
perplexed Thompson.
“With which wing do I hold? I believe that Dexter is the
fastest trotting horse in America,” was the clear and satisfactory
response of this master of statecraft.
Thompson was an orator of the florid order, which oratory
was the cause of his being inflicted upon a long-suffering and
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patient country. His speaking was corruscative. It was
lurid, loud, and fizzy, as though his parents, just before his
birth, had sold small beer at torchlight processions and campmeetings.
By virture of lungs alone, he had managed to pass
for something in this easily deceived world. He had maintained
his position all these years on the slavery question
alone. When the righteous Fifteenth Amendment was likely
to become law, he prayed that the Democracy might be able
to defeat it, for what could he do without that juicy old sin to
batter at? He was a reformer; and what is a reformer without
something to reform? One might as well be a corn-doctor
in a country where the women care nothing for small feet, and
the men all wear large and easy boots.
I met another class of politicians, who, to some extent,
deceived me. I observed a baker's dozen who damned, with
a vehemence that was edifying, Slavery and all its outgrowths.
They denounced it as vile, unholy, and unchristian, and the
least of its consequences as ruinous and destructive. They
stood a long way in advance of Garrison and Phillips, and
elbowed out of the way the oldest and most consistent anti-slavery
men, on the score of their lack of Radicalism. I was
lost in admiration, but I recovered myself when I learned the
fact that these men were, as late as March, 1861, defending
slavery from the Bible, and damning, with equal fervency,
every one who doubted its divinity, its righteousness, or its
expediency. Men who were ferocious, fire-eating, pro-slavery
men as late as March, 1861, by a sudden shift a month later,
won the opportunity of making sad failures as Major-Generals,
and afterwards by out-Heroding Herod in their dovotion to
liberty and equality, managed to occupy high seats in the
Republican synagogue, from which sublime heights they looked
down compassionately upon the old time Liberty-party men of
1836, and with contempt upon the Free-soilers of 1848, and the
Republicans of 1856. From this I gathered a valuable lesson,
namely, that in politics it is well to do the right thing and be
a good man, provided you don't commence doing right and
being good too soon. It is a good thing in the United States
to be an anti-slavery man, provided you were a fierce and
bitter pro-slavery man so late as 1861.
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I was in Washington in the time of a lunatic named Jencks,
of Rhode Island, who, notwithstanding his experience in the
House, fancied he could get a bill through it that had common
sense in it. Laboring under that delusion, he introduced a
bill requiring persons aspiring to positions under the government
to appear before a Board of Examiners, and show that
they had fitness therefor. He called it a Civil Service bill.
The principle of the bill was so clearly right — so necessary
indeed — that I supposed, in my innocence, that it would
become law at once. I supposed that members would chafe
at the delay in pushing it through committees, and would
worry at the time necessary to be sacrificed to red tape before
they could get at it. I was the more certain that it would go
through, for I knew of persons occupying responsible positions,
who never would have been trusted by the men who
procured their appointments with any business of their own.
I knew of common gamblers and common swindlers in places
where they had the handling of government money, and as
they were buying farms in their native counties, on salaries
of eighteen hundred dollars per year, it was evident that
they handled to advantage. I found, in all the departments,
mediocres, imbeciles, incompetents, nothings, rakes, gamblers,
peculators, plunderers, scoundrels; and as this bill of Mr.
Jencks was intended to cure all this, I supposed, of course,
that it would pass — indeed, I wondered that it had not been
made law before. But it did not pass. One Representative
was shocked that any one could be so heartless as to propose
it. When I intimated that the interests of the people demanded
it, he promptly replied, with a show of much indignation,
that take away his patronage, which this bill did, and he
couldn't hold his position at all — indeed, without it he couldn't
be renominated.
“But,” said I, “I know of a Revenue Officer of your
appointing who is as complete a scoundrel as ever went
unhung.”
“True,” was the reply. “I know it, too; but he can carry
the delegates of the third ward of my city at any time, and
without him at my back I stand no chance whatever.”
I did not tell him, as perhaps I should have done, that while
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a failure to secure a renomination might work badly for the
Representative himself, and possibly for his wife and eldest
daughter, and the ring of followers the possession of the offices
gave him, nevertheless the rest of the world would manage
to get along in some way if he were not renominated. I did
not intimate, which I might have done, that the very fact that
he could not be renominated but for the influence given him
by the offices he controlled, was a good reason why he should
not be renominated; indeed, a sufficient one. But this Representative
was laboring under the delusion that he was in
Washington solely for his own benefit, and I discovered that
perhaps half his associates cherished the same idea. I did
suggest to him that he might go out of Congress and go
home.
“But what could I do at home?” he asked.
The conundrum was too heavy for me, and I gave it up. I
couldn't really see what such a man could do at home. And
as I saw so many like him, it occurred to me that in half the
districts, at least, whenever they found a man absolutely good
for nothing that they knew of, they sent him to Congress, on
the principle that there must be some use for all men. And
in filling other official positions, the rule adopted was precisely
opposite that which governed men in the selection of men to
do their own business. The question of fitness was never
raised, and the strongest thing that could be said for a man
was, that he couldn't get a living at anything else. The offices
of the country were made into so many hospitals for genteel
imbecility.
I staid in Washington long enough to witness an effort to
repeal the franking privilege. I saw it stated — nay, proven—
that members had sold the use of their franks to lottery
dealers, to bogus publishers, to patent medicine men — to all,
in short, who desired the free use of the mails. I waded
through columns of figures, showing the cost of delivery of
thousands of tons of that delightful and improving literature—
Patent Office Reports and Statistics of Commerce — to the
people (the statistics of commerce going invariably to farmers,
and the agricultural reports to merchants), the printing and
carrying of which was to be charged directly to this privilege.
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I saw tons of public documents, in their original wrappers,
piled up in the shops of the dealers in old paper, all of which
the government paid a dozen prices for, as it does for everything
else. I knew one young man in my native town, born
of poor but honest parents, who had ambition to rise. He
supposed that a careful reading and study of the reports was
necessary to his being well informed, and with a heroism that
would have made him great, had it been properly directed, he
did read all that his Congressman sent him. In one year that
hapless youth was in a lunatic asylum, and his Representative
wasn't much of a man for sending documents either. I
saw the poor fellow a week ago sitting by a table in a state of
hopeless lunacy, muttering to himself something about the imports
of hides from Brazil. As in the case of the Civil Service
bill, I supposed the repeal would pass at once, but I was undeceived
one night. I was present at a caucus called to strangle
it by the loudest-mouthed advocates of the measure. I
was made aware that the proposition to repeal was merely a
tub thrown to that stupid whale, the public, with which it
should amuse itself till the throwers got safely away with the
plunder they had previously grabbed. I saw the same thing
done with other measures in other ways. I knew one member
who had been elected by pledging himself to the repeal of a
law obnoxious to the people of his district, who called a
meeting of members to insure its defeat as soon as he should
introduce it. He secured enough votes to defeat it certainly,
and then brought in his bantling and made a sham fight over
it, in which there was much beating of rhetorical gongs, and
much blowing of oratorical trumpets, and he pretended to
weep with rage when it was strangled. The ingenious man
was, of course, applauded by his constituency for his manly
struggle in defence of the right, and triumphantly re-elected.
His constituents denounced bitterly, by resolution, the members
who voted against the measure, but as they represented
other districts it didn't hurt them much.
“Why,” I exclaimed in wonder, “doesn't some honest member
expose these scoundrelly practices?”
“Where will you find the honest member?” was the pertinent
interrogatory in answer.
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I saw offices created for the sole purpose of making places
for the adherents of members. I attended caucuses, and found
that, in the discussion of pending measures, the only question
was, “How will this affect the party?” I saw measures, the
success of which seemed to me to be of the highest and gravest
importance, slaughtered mercilessly, that the re-election of
one member might be assured; and I saw the nation made absurd
in the eyes of the world, because one member had a
thousand Irish votes in his district which he was trying to
catch by baiting them with thin buncombe. I saw members
from one State agree to vote for swindles proposed by members
from other States, upon condition that the favor should be
returned on demand. I saw women of doubtful character —
no, there was nothing doubtful about that — carrying swindles
through Congress by force of their blandishments, and I saw
gamblers and pugilists wielding an influence that Clay and
Adams never possessed.
When I went to Washington I leaned towards the idea of
universal salvation — I left as rigidly orthodox as the most
rigid could desire. I was convinced that if there was no lake
of fire and brimstone, and a very hot one, in the future, there
had been a gross error made. Afterwards I returned to my
original belief; but in view of the fact that even Congressmen
were to be eventually saved with others, I had to recall the
other fact that the thieves on the cross were pardoned, before
I could comprehend the depths and breadth of infinite mercy.
My soul was debilitated with the quantity and quality of the
depravity I had taken in, and I wanted a moral tonic. I left
Washington and went to Trenton, the capital of New Jersey,
to recuperate. I tarried in Trenton, believing that members
of the State legislature, being chosen from the rural population,
in coming to a State capital I had struck the right shop
for virtue. I was undeceived — indeed, I was in the business
of being undeceived.
Before I had been about the State House a day I saw enough
stupidity, peculation, and corruption to make me almost despair
of popular government. “Thank God!” I exclaimed, “that
Japanese customs do not prevail in New Jersey.”
“To what particular customs do you allude?” asked a New
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Jersey man, who had spent a whole winter in a vain attempt
to restrain a monopoly which was devouring his substance.
“I allude to that one which compels a Japanese official to
rip his bowels the moment he commits a blunder or a crime.
I thanked the Lord that it did not obtain here, for if it did,
there never would be a quorum in the New Jersey legislature.”
Never shall I forget the look of indignation that venerable
man fixed upon me.
“You are a man,” said he, “and doubtless had a mother.
Can you cherish such a hatred of the people of New Jersey
as to thank God that the lack of a custom so wholesome as
the one you mention entails upon them such a legislature?”
And he lifted up his hands in horror.
I saw a bill introduced contracting the privilege of a monopoly.
I saw the attorney of that monopoly meet the members
who had introduced and advocated the bill, and ask in plain,
unvarnished English, without circumlocution or attempt at disguise,
how many dollars paid in hand they would take to kill
it. One new member — he was in his first session, and was
therefore virtuous — opposed the sale vigorously. He was
offered one hundred dollars, but he refused, denouncing the
monopoly as odious. At two hundred and fifty dollars, he
wasn't quite certain that it was a monopoly; at five hundred
dollars, he knew it wasn't a monopoly, but he thought that the
interests of the people demanded a curtailment of privilege,
at least in part; at seven hundred and fifty dollars, he really
did not know what to do about it — it was a puzzling thing,
and required thought; at one thousand dollars he swore that
the company was a blessing to the State, and that the attempt
to injure it by imposing legislative restrictions was an outrage,
and he voted against the bill with thundering emphasis. This
man's sense of right, like an old musket, was honeycombed,
and not strong enough at the breech to bear a severe trial
without bursting. One thousand dollars was too much pressure
on the square inch, and it exploded. The money was
paid, the bill was defeated by the men who introduced it, and
that night the hotels swam in champagne.
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“If there is no virtue in rural legislators,” I asked myself,
“where will you look for it?”
I pondered on this conundrum, and finally got an answer.
Less should be expected of a ruralist than of the more wealthy
dweller in cities. Human nature is the same in city and country.
It takes less to make a yeoman rich than it does a banker
or merchant, and consequently it takes less to buy him.
“But don't the perpetrators of all this iniquity get fearful
sometimes of being brought to account?” I asked.
“No,” was the answer. “Firm in the belief that mankind
is divided into two classes, rascals and ninnies, they march on
confident and secure. They fleece the ninnies, and divide
with the rascals, which is the sum total of New Jersey legislation.”
“But reputation?” I said, inquiringly.
My friend replied with an anecdote after the manner of Lincoln.
Two fellows were in a lock-up one night, a policeman
having picked them up for being drunk and disorderly. One
of them was in that peculiar stage of drunkenness in which
the victim feels he is abused.
“This is infamous,” he said. “My reputation is lost!”
“Lost! — your reputation's lost!” exclaimed the other with
a thick voice, as he clung swaying to the bars. “Your reputation's
lost! There ain't nothing mean about me, Harry; take
mine!”
“There isn't,” said the cynic, “a member of the body
who wouldn't be glad to trade his reputation for anybody
else's.”
I went sadly on. Sadly, for in my investigations I had
found a thousand times more of iniquity than I had any idea
could have existed. I had not calculated on the certainty of
the crop or the enormity of the yield. I started out, like the
naturalist, in search of what I supposed to be a rare plant, and
I found myself in a wilderness of it. I expected to browse
about the world, taking here a nip and there a nip of iniquity,
but I found myself, whichever way I turned, in broad meadows
of it, like a horse in clover. I had found the man of sin honored
in business circles in New York, honored and applauded
at the National capital, and in the State capitals. He had been
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introduced to me as a merchant, as a railroad manager, as a
banker, as a representative; I found him in the senate, in the
cabinet, and on the supreme bench; I saw him sitting in force
in both branches of a State legislature; I found him everywhere.
On my way home I stumbled into a convocation of reformers,
who had gathered to organize for the promotion of an object
in which I could see great good. I seated myself as gladly in
their midst as a traveller in the great desert sits down by the
side of running water and under the grateful shade of trees.
Here, I thought, there can be neither envy, malice, ambition,
or self-seeking, for these labor for humanity; each will insist
not upon his own good, but the preferment of others. I expected
to find so much of self-abnegation that I was troubled
when I thought how much valuable time would be wasted in
vain attempts to organize, as each would be determined to
force the honor of the movement upon others.
There were seventy present, and it was agreed to elect the
officers of the association by ballot. Alas! for my belief.
When the ballots were counted out it was found that sixty-nine
of the seventy had each just one vote for president, and
the handwriting on the ballots betrayed the awkward fact that
each had voted for himself. One had two votes, — his own and
mine, — which elected him; whereupon the meeting broke up
in disorder, and each of the sixty-nine started a society of his
own, of which he could be the head.
All my life I had occupied what might be called a neutral
position on the Woman question. I had been what might be
called a Conservative-Radical; or, to state my position more
definitely, for I like to be accurate, a Radical-Conservative. I
had not so high an opinion of the sex as some of my friends,
or so low as others. There are those who are so crazy in their
adoration of the sex, as to assert that no man ever met a woman
without being the better for it. These I always crushed, by
asking them if Adam was the better for having met Eve? On
the other hand, when a railer at the weaknesses of the sex
would assert that no woman ever kept a secret, I crushed them,
by demanding the name and post-office address of any unmarried
woman above twenty-five who had ever divulged her age,
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or any woman, married, single, or divorced, who ever confided
to any one the fact that her hair, teeth, or complexion were
artificial. I held, and had always, that the virtues were inherent
in woman, and so believing, felt it unnecessary to look for
sin among them, that is, to any alarming extent.
My experience in New York, Washington, and Trenton
shook my faith in woman somewhat. I discovered that women
can be wicked, and when they are wicked they are very wicked.
I found that they are not all truthful; and that when they
set out to lie, they do it with an ease, a grace, a smoothness
that sugar-coats the most audacious falsification, and makes it
go down as easily as the sweetest truth. I found them horribly
insincere in everything relating to the stronger sex. They
would flirt and trifle with them, and I never heard but one
who even condemned the practice, and her condemnation, severe
as it was, did not count when I cited it, for she was
thirty-nine, and had had small-pox, and cross-eyes, and wore a
wig, and was thin and angular, and had freckles, and very
sandy hair, and her nose turned up, and her teeth were bad,
and she didn't know how to dress, and had large feet, and
very large, bony hands, and a stoop in her shoulders, and some
other defects in her person unnecessary to enumerate, as from
what I have said regarding her you may infer that she was not
the belle of her native village. She protested vehemently
against this thing of ensnaring young men, and when they had
lost all control of themselves in their adoration, of casting
them off heartlessly. She had never done it, nor never would—
she had always blasted their budding hopes at the beginning.
When I repeated this noble resolution to a bevy of
girls, dressed artlessly in ringlets and white muslin, they
winked at each other and tittered. The noble example I set
before them did not produce the effect I hoped.
I found them vain. I knew women between the ages of
eighteen and twenty-four who habitually consumed four hours
each day in adorning their persons, that they might enjoy the
ecstasy of a half hour's promenade to show their feathers.
They never returned in good humor — they were invariably
disappointed. If there should be no crowd to gaze upon them,
they lost the object of their going; if there was a crowd, they
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always encountered some woman arrayed still more gorgeously,
which was poison. Then, again, they lack judgment as to the
men upon whom to lavish their admiration. They esteem appearance
and pretension more than they do real manly beauty
and intellect. I have known them to pass ME by with the
merest and coldest nod, and blossom out all over with smiles
at the approach of a fop, whose mustache was like a base ball
club, nine on a side, and whose other points were as weak as
his mustache.
But these were the lightest of the sins I found I would have
to charge to them. I found that they were sometimes avaricious,
and that when avaricious, for absolute downright stinginess
and closeness the most intense miser was an infant beside
them. As their capacity for good was greater and
higher than man's, so was their capacity for evil, which
made me thank the Lord that physically they are weaker, and
that home influences set the most of their heads in the right
direction, and the lack of opportunity keeps them following
their noses. But I saw fearful evidences of their capacity for
making trouble. I met one beautiful girl, so modest in appearance
as to disarm suspicion that she could do anything that
savored of worldliness, who sued a rich widower for breach of
promise. This modest, shrinking, delicate girl was at that
very time engaged to a penniless young man whom she really
loved. To make sure that the damages to be wrested from
the rich widower would be large enough to set her affianced
up in business, she got judge and jurymen crazy in love with
her, and engaged herself to every one of them. Each one
now had a direct interest in the verdict, for each one expected
to marry the plaintiff, and a verdict would be her dowry. The
judge annihilated the gay old Lothario in his charge, and the
jury, without leaving the box, decided that her heart had been
broken, and that twenty thousand dollars wwas the least salve
that could be applied to the breach. The jurymen were heart-broken
when they found her married to her young man; the
extent of the chagrin of the judge may be inferred from the
fact that he resigned his office — a thing never done save when
a lacerating necessity exists. The widower was heart-broken
when the amount of the verdict was announced, and at the
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loss of reputation; the girl and her new husband, who had invested
largely in furniture and things on the strength of the
verdict, were heart-broken when they discovered that the defendant,
against whom they had judgment, had been speculating
in gold, and had taken Jim Fisk's word, and consequently
was not worth a dollar in the world. And all this misery resulted
from the duplicity of one woman.
My attention was, however, directed more particularly to
their intolerable extravagance and recklessness in expenditure,
at which my soul groaned.
I observed women whose chignons were larger than themselves,
whose ordinary dress cost more than an ordinary farm,
and whose habits had become so luxurious as to make the support
of one a matter of grave consideration. Particularly was
I shocked to notice in all cases that trimming — the mere ornamentation—
cost twice or thrice as much as the dress itself,
and that the labor of making and attaching this ornamentation
was more than either. I saw genius employed, not in permanently
beautifying the world, but in decking a weak woman for
an afternoon walk or drive. I wept bitter tears as I saw on their
heads false hair, on their cheeks artificial color, and over all
dress, the primary object of which was appearance. I cast up
in my mind the cost of apparel which would serve all the real
uses of clothing, namely, the protection of the body from the
elements, and sighed as I compared it with the bills of the
dressmaker. And all this extravagant expenditure in a world
in which there are thousands in darkness for want of means to
enlighten them, and thousands starving for want of food.
When I reached home I thanked the Lord that I brought
with me a moral constitution sound and unimpaired. As I
neared my village, and saw the spire of the church rising
above the grove in which it nestled, I involuntarily thanked
Heaven that I could lay me down that night where there was
no sin.
During my absence I had acquired a habit of observation
which I could not help indulging, and I commenced making
notes of what few trifling departures came under my notice.
I did observe that Seth Robinson, — Deacon Robinson, — one
of our two merchants, was given to covetousness, and
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nourished too strong a desire for worldly goods. To get gain he
would rise every morning at the unchristian hour of four to
set his store in order, and the hours between four and seven
he passed in nervous misery, waiting for customers who were
yet taking that last delicious nap before rising which all properly
constituted and evenly-balanced men and women so highly
appreciate. Then he pursued his business all day so eagerly,
was so careful that in every transaction the odd penny should be
turned in his favor, held open his place of business so late
in the night to catch the last late buyer, and finally closed so
regretfully to think that eight long hours would elapse before
there could be more money-getting.
Of all this I could hardly approve. It is well for the new
beginner to have all this care, and be at all these pains for
dollars, for he hath his fortune to make. It would be well for
one advanced in years, who was accumulating money for some
great charity, to be thus eager in pursuit of coppers; but the
Deacon is not only rich, but he is sixty. He can't enjoy
the money he has on this earth; he cant't take it with him;
and if he could it would do him no good — it would melt! He
will hold to every dollar he can make so long as there is
strength in his fingers. Money-getting, in his case, is simply
avarice, — the desire to get money for the sake of money, —
which is about the lowest and the meanest of the vices. What
better is the Deacon than Fisk or Vanderbilt, save in the extent
of their operations? The one grasps dollars, the other
pennies; but they both grasp, and therein is the sin. The
Deacon is a small Vanderbilt; but unfortunately sins are estimated
as are eggs — by count, not weight. The sin is as
heinous if it does not produce such great results.
I turned from Robinson, and contemplated his rival in business—
Bibney. Bibney was the opposite of Robinson, and to
me a more pleasing picture to look upon. He was noted
for his charity, and was regarded by his neighbors as one
whose soul melted with love to all mankind. I saw him give five
dollars to a poor man who had fallen on the street, and I warmed
towards him, for the man was needy, and I was exercised in
my mind for fear that some of my neighbors would not relieve
him. I would have liked it better had he slipped the money
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quietly in his hand and passed on. I thought at the time that
he was rather loud-mouthed in his pity, and that he brandished
his bank-note in the faces of the crowd that had gathered
twice or thrice too many times, but he gave the five dollars.
I was astonished, and confess grieved, on tracking this charity
to its hole, — for it ended in a hole, — to find that he paid the village
editor twice the amount of the gift to have a circumstantial
account of the transaction published to the world. I was
more astonished and more grieved at unearthing the fact that
he had arranged with the mendicant to fall where he did, that
a crowd might be gathered to witness his generosity. I noticed
also that the fifteen dollars had been well expended, for
his store was crowded for a week.
Bibney's wife belonged to the Presbyterian church, but he
attended them all. He had the reputation of giving liberally
to all, but the acute man managed to maintain a reputation for
liberality without giving to any. The Presbyterians never got
anything, “for you know,” he would say, “I have to give to
all of them, and really it is too much of a tax.” To the others
he would plead his wife's membership with the Presbyterians,
and the fact that it took all that he could afford from other charities
to keep “our own church going.” I saw him once walk
a square out of his way for a week to avoid the necessity of
dropping a small coin into the box of a disabled soldier, who
was grinding a livelihood out of an exasperating hand-organ.
I found an admirable contrast to Bibney in Mrs. Virginia
Swan, the gifted writer of spiritual hymns. “There,” said I
to myself, “must be a perfect character. These outgushings
of love for her kind, these verses swelling with love, gentleness,
and goodness, can only flow from a pure soul. The
fountain must be pure if the stream is.” I found that this
theory will do better in the matter of streams than in souls —
that very barren souls are full of sentiment, and gush, and
gush, and do nothing else. When I got to the bottom of
it, I found that Mrs. Swan wrote her beautiful spiritual hymns
in the coldest-blooded business way imaginable. She panted
for fame, and had the knack of writing hymns. Determined to
make a name, she commenced writing comic songs, and would
have continued had she made a success. But she did not;
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and she attempted blood-and-thunder novels, till Sylvanus
Cobb drove her from that field, when she struck the spiritual
vein, and worked it to great advantage. She would have written
bacchanalian odes just as soon if it would have given her
the same notoriety. The soul of the poetess would shed the
sweetest charity, and pity, and love, and so forth, but the hand
of the poetess never shed bread and meat and potatoes enough
to keep her servant girl plump in her clothes. I was compelled
to give her up. Spiritual hymns can't be offset against
starving servant girls, until the reading of spiritual hymns
will make them as plump as will the meat and potatoes they
ought to have.
The Reverend Elnathan Black, I thought, would help me out
of my trouble, for he had always been to me the chief among
ten thousand, and the one altogether lovely. I supposed him
to be a perfect man, if such there could be on the face of the
earth. But, alas! I was mistaken in this as in everything else.
A close examination — a little stripping off of veneering here,
and a little digging out of putty there, showed me the ugliest
and most ungainly piece of moral furniture I had ever seen.
He had plastered pretence over meanness, and his protestations
of goodness covered his daily violation of everything
good. He wore his piety on the same principle that governed
the Quaker when he said to his son, “John, if thee has a particularly
bad horse to trade off, put on thy broadest hat.” The
Elder always had a bad horse to trade off, and he wore, habitually,
a broad hat, and an ugly looking sinner he was without
it.
Deacon Kitt served to prolong my investigation just a minute.
Professing temperance in all things, he was a glutton,
and carried a red nose. He took his rations regularly, but not
honestly. He did not confess to himself that he really loved
stimulants, but he was perpetually persuading himself that he
had the dyspepsia, and needed it. He wasn't ingenious even
in his excuses for drinking, for when reproached with taking
liquor raw, he stammeringly replied that he didn't dare to put
water in it for fear of dropsy. His entire devotion to drink I
noticed the first time the unsophisticated man was given a
mint julep, which he said he took for dyspepsia. With the
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taste of the delicious compound titillating his palate, — the
coolness of the ice struggling with the genial warmth of the
liquor, — the fragrance of the mint assailing one sense, while
the other ingredients held mastery over the others, the poor
man dropped his glass and burst into tears. “And there ain't
none of this in the next world,” gasped he. “I never dreaded
death as much as now.” He was trying to deceive the world,
and succeeded, as is always the case, in deceiving himself.
His neighbors were certain of his being a confirmed drunkard,
long before he began to suspect it.
I was by this time in a state of disgust. I had gone abroad
for sin, and had found it; and I had found under my very nose
almost every sin that had startled me abroad. But one thought
gave me comfort — there could be no political iniquity in our
community.
Walking out one afternoon, I found myself in a crowd, who
were listening to an orator, who proved to be none other than
Cicero Leatherlungs, my cousin, who had served one term in
Congress, and was a candidate for re-election. I had never
given Cicero credit for being much of a patriot, and was
therefore delighted at the amount of it he exhibited, as well
as with the eloquence with which he adorned it. He denounced,
in burning words, the corruption of which his opponent
had been guilty — the said denunciation including not
only the particular species of corruption his opponent was
charged with practising, but all other kinds. Particularly was
the use of money in elections denounced as anti republican,
and calculated to sap the very foundations of the government.
I was so delighted at this, that the very moment he had
finished I rushed up to congratulate him. “Your noble
sentiments,” I said, — but I never finished the sentence. He
hurried away to a tavern hard by to meet his committee. I
followed and got inside just in time to see that pure patriot —
that incorruptible man — pull from his breast pocket a plethoric
pocket-book, and distribute money to the most villanous and
brutish men I had ever seen, and of whose existence I had
been ignorant up to this moment. He gave this one one hundred
dollars to be offered Jones for the use of his doggery on
election day; that one fifty dollars to keep the Irish laborers
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in Johnson's stone-quarry drunk till after they had voted;
another one hundred dollars for carriages and men to bring to
the polls the idiots and lunatics from such of the county poor-houses
as were under the control of his friends; winding up
with the remark, as he put up his pocket-book, that by the
time he got the other four counties fixed, he would have spent
every last cent of the money he got for his vote in favor of the
Aurora Borealis Railroad Land Grant.
These things had all been charged upon Cicero, and I discovered
that the best and most intelligent of his supporters
knew the charges to be true; but they were supporting him
nevertheless, for he was “our candidate.”
“But how came so bad a man to be our candidate?” I
asked; the answer to which was, that when he was nominated
the first time his worthlessness was not known; that when
his bad qualities were discovered, he declined to be dropped.
He had the appointing of all the Federal officers in the District; —
these officials were strong and active enough to control
the conventions that nominate candidates for the elective
offices, and these two classes of officials control the Congressional
nominating convention. In short, I ascertained the
important fact that, let a bad man once get into Congress,
he can, if he is shrewd, stay there a long time, for the
government kindly furnishes him the means to perpetuate
his stay.
By this time I had determined in my own mind that there
wasn't a particle more of sin abroad than at home. Every sin
that I discovered abroad, I found duplicated at home, and its
growth was just as rank and vigorous. The plant was native
to all soils: the only difference was in size, resulting from the
strength or weakness of the soil in which it was planted.
Grieved as I was, I took comfort in the thought that I, at
least, was free from it. That thought gave me unspeakable
happiness, and I determined that my household should be
as free from it as myself.
My wife was a woman, and I noticed that she nourished all
the follies of the sex. She was as extravagant in dress as any
of her friends, and I took her to task for it. I told her that
there were thousands of suffering poor in the world whose
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necessities could be relieved by a tithe of what she wore that
was unnecessary. I reminded her of the fact that flounces,
furbelows, jewelry, false hair, &c., were totally useless, and
could be dispensed with as well as not, and how much better
would it be to use the money they cost in charitable works.
And I showered over her much wisdom of this kind. She was
an obedient wife, and bowing her head submissively, retired to
her room, from which she emerged in a few minutes. She had
carried out my wishes to the letter. She was without hoops,
and her dress hung limp about her person. Her chignon,
which was her crowning glory, was gone, and her natural hair
was twisted into a small and insignificant knot at the back of
her head. She had no collar, no cuffs, no rings, pins, in short
she was divested of all those helps to figure and form which
the sex know so well how to employ.
Ordinarily she was counted a handsome woman; — as she
stood before me in that shape, I confess I was astounded at
her superlative ugliness.
“Come,” said she, meekly. “It is time we were on our way
to the concert.”
I did not go to the concert with my wife in that guise. On
the contrary, with much hemming and hawing, — for no man
likes to go back on himself, — I meekly asked her to resume her
natural garb.
My experiment at reform with the female part of my household
had the appearance of a failure. I was compelled to confess
that, after all, we, the stronger sex, who rail at the extravagance
of women, are in the main responsible for it; that the
average woman dresses herself more to please the average
man than to please herself; and further, that the average man
likes her a thousand times better for the additional beauty
and grace that dress gives her, all of which she perfectly
understands.
Still I felt that the wants of the poor must be relieved, and
that the relief ought to come out of our superfluities. I therefore
nerved myself to make a sacrifice. I sold my gold watch
and purchased a silver one in its stead, and the difference — I
invested in government bonds, which were at that time at a
discount, with a certainty of a rise.
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My habit of investigation had got possession of me. While I
was congratulating myself on my righteousness, and deploring
every one else's sin, it so happened that I was bargaining for
a piece of real estate adjoining my own. In the course of the
making of the bargain, I caught myself deliberately underrating
the property, and most zealously endeavoring to get it for
less than I knew it to be worth. My late experience had given
me a sharp scent for sin, and I had learned to detect it at sight.
I was astonished at the richness of the vein I struck, even
in myself. I found that in my own case I had mistaken dyspepsia
for humility, obstinacy for devotion to principle, and
conceit for righteousness generally. I found, for instance,
that my sternness in withstanding public opinion was not so
much the willingness to be sacrificed for the sake of right, as
it was a mule-like disposition to stay where I had planted my
hoofs, from sheer stubbornness in refusing to admit that I had
ever been or ever could be in the wrong. I recalled the conversation
I had with my neighbor on the subject of the land,
and, to my horror, I found that within twenty-four hours I had
told sixty lies direct; one hundred and thirty by implication,
and had made two hundred misrepresentations, which the
recording angel doubtless counted as lies, though in this world
of gigantic falsification they hardly rise to that dignity. I
lied because I coveted my neighbor's land — two sins in one.
In what am I better than Robinson.
The very next day I found myself paying too close attention
to the wife of my neighbor Ames — Ames being in California,
and Mrs. Ames being a beautiful woman; and one more of the
pillars of my self-righteousness was knocked out from under
me. That same afternoon, in paying a note, I permitted a
mistake made by the holder thereof in computing interest
to go uncorrected, and I was compelled to confess myself
a thief.
The next day I tarried two hours and a half at dinner,
which stamped me as much of a glutton as Kitt. When the
blessing was asked, reference was made therein to Providence
for his good gifts. I only thought how good Providence was
that gave us asparagus in the spring, then in succession green
peas, strawberries, grapes, oysters, spareribs, hot whiskey, and
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so on, an unending round of something good to eat and
drink. I was no better in this than Kitt — not a particle.
That very evening I colored the statement of the trouble
of a neighbor, whom I did not like, to his great disadvantage,
and brought myself in guilty of bearing false witness
against my neighbor; I caught myself in church estimating the
probable profits of a business operation I had just concluded;
which satisfied me that I had other gods than the one Living
One; in short, I discovered the alarming fact, that every
day of my life I committed all the sins in the Decalogue.
I had been horrified at the sin I had seen away; more so
at learning that all I had seen abroad was going on regularly
at home; and still more so to find that all I had found away and
at home existed in full force and vigor in myself; that I
cherished and practised in one form or another every sin
that I had seen in anybody else. And what humbled me
was the fact, that the knowledge that I had all these moral
blemishes was not confined to myself. My discovery of the
fact was recent — my neighbors had always known it.
I at last found the man of sin. I was the man. I am
now busily engaged in reforming, — not the world, but myself,—
and I hope I am succeeding. I succeeded in checking
myself in time to save lies only yesterday; I am now correcting
all errors in accounts that are in my favor; in short, by
dint of hard work and careful watching, I have got to a point
of excellence where it is perfectly safe to say that I am no
longer distinctively “the man of sin.” My hearers, all of you
who try hard enough and watch closely enough, may, in the
course of a great many years, if you are gifted and have
patience, get to be as good as I am. I know you will shrink
from a task so apparently hopeless, but I assure you the reward
is great enough to justify the trial.
Back matter
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APPENDIX.
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Our apology for inserting, just before the title in this volume,
the page (if torn out by interested parties, as possibly it may be, we
will supply it upon application) containing a caution to persons
wishing to procure the work, and also for calling your attention to
some matters pertaining to the business of publishing and introducing
books, is, that we can devise no other means which we deem
so effectual to protect our business from the aggressions of dishonest
parties; and although this method may seem in bad taste, yet we
feel warranted in using it, hoping hereby to aid in correcting certain
existing evils pertaining to the business.
In this country there are two ways in which books are introduced
to the public: one is, where they are sold through bookstores, which
is known as the trade method; the other is, where they are sold
only (or intended to be) by canvassing agents, which is called the
subscription system.
We are engaged in the latter; and what we complain of, not only
in our own interest, but in the interest of others who have exhausted
every expedient they could devise to keep their publications from
being sold in bookstores, is this: That some booksellers (there are
many honorable exceptions), in collusion with dishonest general and
sub-agents, or professed agents, for subscription books, are persistently
and maliciously warring upon it by unfair and fraudulent
means, with the avowed purpose of injuring the business of the subscription
publishers as much as possible, and at the same time making
a profit in the transaction. They recognize the fact that for
introducing certain classes of books it possesses great advantages
over the other method, and hence should be strangled lest it takes
too large a portion of the loaf they desire to monopolize; and to do
this they resort to various means that will not render them amenable
to the law, without regard to fairness or honesty.
That it does possess such advantages is best evidenced by the fact
that almost every extensive trade publishing house in America has
brought out and introduced more or less books in this manner.
As booksellers are able to procure most subscription works only
through a dishonest channel, except possibly occasional second-hand
ones, a few of them make tools of some general and sub-agents, or
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professed agents, and thus obtain this class of works with which to
supply the trade. These agents are usually the most culpable parties
to the transaction, as they know the publishers of most, if not all, of
such works intend them to be sold only by subscription, and generally
these parties who betray subscription publishers, are either under
bonds, or bound by a written or verbal agreement, to furnish the
books only to bona fide subscribers, and not directly or indirectly to
booksellers; and the latter usually know the fact, but notwithstanding
all this they have practised for years past this method of obtaining
subscription publications to sell from their counters. We have
known them, when unable to find an agent sufficiently pliable for
their purposes, to induce a party engaged in another pursuit, and
who had no intention of canvassing, to take the agency, under an
assumed name, and though under agreement to sell the books only
to bona fide subscribers, which they well knew, to represent to the
publishers that he had secured many genuine orders, procure of
them a large number of books, and immediately turn them over to
the instigators of this fraudulent transaction. We have also known
them to induce a clerk, employed in their store, to take an agency,
under a like agreement, for a subscription work published at some
place remote from them (if too near home the danger of detection is
so great as to check this practice), and to obtain the books and dispose
of them in the same way.
We have likewise known of a bookseller, who, under a fictitious
name, secured an agency by representing that he wished to canvass,
and then in due time pretending that he had many subscribers, to
obtain the books and dispose of them in part at retail in his store,
and the balance to other booksellers. In fact, these and similar dishonest
expedients for obtaining this class of works to be sold in this
manner, are continually practised, and most of them so sold are
thus obtained. We have known instances where agents were engaged
in selling new and popular subscription books at the regular
retail prices, and the same works at the same time and place were
being conspicuously exposed for sale in bookstores, with labels on
them offering them at a price fifty cents a volume less. We apprehend
the profit in such cases was not the object the booksellers had in
view, for they might just as readily have obtained the regular price,
as the books were in great demand. This and other facts induce us
to believe and affirm, that some booksellers are deliberately doing
all they can to work injury to the subscription business.
The chief reasons why we, and others likewise engaged, object to
our publications being sold in bookstores, are, first, it negatives
the theory on which the business is based; second, it seriously
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interferes with the success of canvassers by greatly diminishing their
sales, and otherwise; and third, many of the best agents in the country
will only introduce a book while it is kept out of bookstores,
and as soon as it gets to be generally on sale there, they decline
longer to solicit for it. When this condition of affairs arises, the subscription
publisher not only loses many of his best agents, but is
otherwise materially damaged. The public are also unfavorably
affected in several ways.
Aside from our own interests, we particularly desire, in the interest
of our best agents, to keep our publications from being sold in bookstores.
This class of canvassers never annoy people, but in all
respects conduct their business as they should. It is the least
efficient class — only those who do not understand their business —
that render themselves offensive; and the condition of things of which
we complain tends to make such agents, and to sustain them.
We protest against these unfair, disreputable, and dishonest practices.
If we expend thousands of dollars in making stereotype or
electrotype plates of a book, we claim the right to introduce the
book printed from them in the manner which the best interests of
our business require, without interference from booksellers, who can
only obtain them (unless they be second hand) through some one
of these channels; not otherwise. Were it possible for our books to
reach them through any honest channel, then they would of course
be justified in selling them.
As possibly the reader may infer from the position here taken by
us, that we desire to deprive people of books they may wish to
obtain, we will state that so far from that being the case, on the contrary,
we would gladly put our publications into every household in
the country, but wish to do it in our own way, that the true interests
of the public, as well as our own, may be subserved. Any person
wishing a book has only to inform us, and we will request an agent
to call and deliver it, and we have no doubt all subscription publishers
will do the same.
It was not our intention to press this matter farther; but lest any
should get the impression that subscription books are sold at a
higher price than trade books, and that on this account we are unwilling
to compete with the trade in open market, we offer the following
facts, leaving the readers to form their conclusions.
Books are printed from stereotype or electrotype plates. The type
is first set up, and from it solid castings, called plates, are made of
type-metal, one to every page. The illustrations are designed by one
class of artists, engraved by another, and castings from them also
made. This is a very expensive process, the castings from which
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to print a well-illustrated subscription book, of ordinary size, costing
several thousand dollars. These castings, aside from their value for
this purpose, are worth only their weight as old metal. Those costing
five thousand dollars are worth about a hundred dollars as
metal; hence, speaking in a general way, the cost of these castings is
money absolutely lost, if the book does not sell; if it does, then the
publisher must put such a price on it as will repay this outlay, in addition
to making a legitimate profit. Now, suppose the castings for
a book to cost five thousand dollars, and ten thousand volumes to be
sold through bookstores; each book must pay a profit of fifty cents,
to repay the original outlay. The same book, properly managed
and sold by subscription, if of the class suited to that business, can
be given a sale five times as large (we speak much within bounds),
and therefore the profit requisite to repay this outlay is but ten cents
a volume, which makes a saving of forty cents on each book.
Again, authors are paid a copyright, generally of a certain sum on
every volume sold. They know the immense sale usually given a
subscription book, and that they can better afford to receive a small
copyright per volume, on a book so sold, than a large one were
it introduced through bookstores. However, as the copyright is
usually the subject of a special bargain, varying, perhaps, with every
book, we have no sufficient basis from which to draw absolutely
correct conclusions; but we think it fair to assume that an author
whose book can be given by subscription a sale of fifty thousand
volumes, when through bookstores it would only be ten thousand,
will take a copyright of ten cents a volume, if sold in the former, as
readily as he will thirty, were it sold in the latter way; for even
then his receipts will be nearly double. Here is a saving of twenty
cents, making in all a saving of sixty cents a volume in favor of the
subscription publisher. Further, a book introduced through bookstores
usually has to pay the following profits: First, that of the
publisher; second, that of the jobber; third, that of the retailer; and
often the publisher is compelled, at great cost, to advertise it extensively,
or it does not sell. Moreover, these parties generally occupy
fine stores, on popular thoroughfares, in expensive localities,
besides employing high-salaried clerks. All these expenses the
book has to bear before it reaches the public.
Now, contrast it with our subscription books. We make our
profit, and so does the canvasser. Usually, the agent is the only
party between the producer and consumer. The canvassers advertise
our books by showing and explaining them, thereby saving us the
expense of advertising in newspapers, which we do to a very limited
extent, and then only for agents, and not to create a demand for our
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books. The agent has no rent to pay for a place of business, and
we occupy unostentations warerooms, in comparatively inexpensive
localities; our business requires no better, for our dealings are mostly
with canvassers through the mails; and, finally, we do not have
to keep, to wait upon customers, a corps of clerks receiving good
salaries, who are idle a part of the time. Besides all this, the sale
of subscription books being so large, they can safely be manufactured
in large editions, and a saving thus be made.
We trust the reader can now understand how we can at least afford
to give the public books as good in every respect, and at as low a
price, as publishers who sell their works only through bookstores.
We believe subscription publishers, if the works they issue are suited
to that business, can afford to give the community a better book for
the same price, or one equally good for a lower price, than other
publishers.
To sum up, we will state our conviction that for introducing many
classes of books the subscription system has numerous advantages
over the other method. It is best for the author, because he knows
that if he produces a valuable book, it will not only be published, but
will be given a large sale, and his copyright will yield him a large
sum; hence, it acts as an incentive for him to produce the best work
possible; the better the book, the larger his returns. Best for the
publisher, because he knows that if he has a good book, he can afford
to illustrate it well, and bring it before the public in the most attractive
and desirable form, all of which will tend to increase its sale and
his profits. Best for the agent, because it affords him a lucrative,
honorable, and pleasant calling, that may be followed for life in a
chosen territory, protected from intrusion by others. He not only
gets the profit that would otherwise go to the retail bookseller, but
also a portion of the large sums that would be expended in advertising
to bring it to the attention of the public. And finally, best
for the buyer, for he gets many excellent books whose authors could
not afford the time to write them, were they dependent on the sale
through bookstores to be repaid for their labor — many first-class
books, that otherwise would not be published, for no trade publisher
would risk the necessary outlay of many thousands of dollars, and
trust to the sale through bookstores to reimburse him; and, moreover,
usually they are works of a better class, better written, more
profusely and elegantly illustrated, and better gotten up generally,
than many “trade books” that are sold for the same price. Besides,
they are brought to the door of the purchaser, which is a great convenience
to persons living in the rural districts.
I. N. RICHARDSON & CO.
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Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1872], The struggles (social, financial and political) of Petroleum V. Nasby... embracing his trials and troubles, ups and downs, rejoicings and wailings; likewise his views of men and things; together with the lectures Cussed be Canaan, The struggles of a conservative with the woman question, and In search of the man of sin. With an introduction by Hon. Charles Sumner. Illustrated by Thomas Nast... (I. N. Richardson and Company, Boston) [word count] [eaf635T].
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