Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1864], The nasby papers: letters and sermons containing the views on the topics of the day of Petroleum V. Nasby. (C.O. Perrine & Co., Indianapolis, Ind.) [word count] [eaf634T].
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Front matter
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Preliminaries
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THE
NASBY PAPERS.
LETTERS AND SERMONS
CONTAINING THE
VIEWS ON THE TOPICS OF THE DAY,
OF
PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
“PASTER UV THE CHURCH UV THE NOO DISPENSASHUN.”
INDIANAPOLIS, IND.:
C. O. PERRINE & CO., PUBLISHERS.
1864.
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DEDIKASHEN.
To that Sterlin Patryot and unkorruptible chrischen gentleman,
Fernandywood, uv Noo York;
To that hi-toned man and wool-dyed Dimokrat, Franklin Peerse,
uv Noo Hampshire;
To that long-suffrin but pashent Dimokrat, Jesse D. Brite, uv Injeany,
whose highest recommendashun is that he wuz eckspelled frum
a Ablishn Senit, but who wood hev resined hed ther ever bin a presedent
fer a Dimokrat resinin; and
To the grate Vallandygum, uv Ohio, who went to the stake with
a kamness onparrallelled fer prinssipple,
These book is respectfully dedikated, by
THE ORTHER.
Parsonage, Church uv the Noo Despensashun,
Wingert's Corners, O., Aug. 1, 1864.
Entered according to an act of Congress, by DAVID R. LOCKE, in the District Court of the
United States in and for the District of Indiana.
Main text
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ON NEGRO EMIGRATION.
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There is now 15 niggers, men, wimin and childern, or ruther, mail,
femail and yung, in Wingert's Corners, and yisterday another arrove.
I am bekomin alarmed, fer ef they inkreese at this rate, in suthin
over sixty yeres they'll hev a majority in the town, and may, ef they
git mene enuff, tyrannize over us, even ez we air tyrannizin over
them. The danger is imminent! Alreddy our poor white inhabitans
is out uv employment to make room fer that nigger—even now our
shops and factories is full uv that nigger, to the grate detriment uv a
white inhabitant who hez a family 2 support, and our Poor Hows and
Jail is full uv him.
I imploar the peeple to wake up. Let us hold a mass meetin to
take this subgik in2 considerashen, and that biznis may be expeditid,
I perpose the adopshen uv a serez uv Preamble and Rezolooshens,
suthin like the follerin, to-wit:
Wareas, We vew with alarm the ackshun uv the Presydent uv the
U. S., in recommendin the immejit emansipashun uv the slaves uv
our misgidid Suthern brethrin, and his evident intenshun uv kolonizin
on em in the North, and the heft on em in Wingert's Corners, and
Wareas, In the event uv this imigrashun, our fellow townsman,
Abslum Kitt, and uthers, hooz familis depend upon thare laber fer
support, wood be throde out uv employment, and
Wareas, Wen yoo giv a man a hoss, yoo air obleegd to also make
him a present uv a silver platid harnis and a $350 buggy, so ef we
let the nigger live here we air in dooty bound to let him vote, and to
marry him off-hand, and
Wareas, Wen this stait uv affares arrivs our kentry will be no fit
plais fer men uv edjucashen and refinement, and
Wareas, Eny man hevin the intellek uv a brass-mountid jackass,
kin eesily see that the 2 races want never intendid to liv together, and
Wareas, Bein in the magority we kin do ez we please, and ez the
nigger aint no vote he kant help hisself, therefore be it
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Resolvd, That the crude, un-deodorizd Afrikin is a disgustin obgik.
Resolved, That this Convenshun, wen it hez its feet washed,
smells sweeter ner the Afrikin in his normal condishun, and is ther4
his sooperier.
Resolved, That the niggers be druv out uv Wingert's Corners,
and that sich property ez they may hev akkumulatid be konfistikatid,
and the proseeds applide to the follerin purposis, to wit:
Payment uv the bills uv the last Dimekratik Centrel Kommittee.
Payment uv the disintrestid patriots ez got up this meetin.
The balens to remane in my hands.
Resolved, That the Ablishnists who oppose these Resolushens all
want to marry a nigger.
Resolved, That Dr. Petts, in rentin a part uv his bildin to niggers
hez struck a blow at the very foundashens uv sosiety.
Fello whites, arowz! The inemy is onto us! Our harths is in
danger! Wen we hev a nigger fer Judge—niggers fer Teechers—
niggers in pulpits—wen niggers rool and controle sosiety, then will
yoo remember this warnin!
Arowse to-wunst! Rally agin Conway! Rally agin Sweet! Rally
agin Hegler! Rally agin Hegler's family! Rally agin the porter
at the Reed House! Rally agin the cook at the Crook House! Bally
agin the nigger widder in Vance's addishun! Rally agin Missis
Umstid! Rally agin Missis Umstid's children by her first husband!
Rally agin Missis Umstid's childern by her sekkund husband! Rally
agin all the rest uv Missis Umstid's childern! Rally agin the
nigger that kum yisterday! Rally agin the saddle-kulurd girl that
yoost 2 be hear! Ameriky fer white men!
Petroleum V. Nasby
HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH VALLANDIGHAM.
Washinton, Joon the 1st, '62.
I am in Washinton. I stand under the shadder uv the tempel uv
Liberty, and am reposin my weery lims in the kool shades uv Fredum.
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But I can't reelize that this is the saim Washinton I yoost 2 visit. I
yoost to go frum Pennsilvany to the kappytle wunst a yere to git my
stock uv Dimocrisy recrootid, and to find out wat we wuz expectid to
bleeve doorin the kumin yere, thus gettin full 6 munths ahed uv my
nabers. I wuz wunst electid gustis uv the peese in Berks county, by
knoin neerly a yeer in advanse wat we wuz to vote fer that ortum.
They thot Nasby wuz a smart man.
2 resoom. This is not the Washinton that wunst I knode. Our
kappytle is now a Ablishn kamp. The brite sun reflex glittrin raze
frum shinin baynets—the ere is horrifide with the rumble uv kannon
wheels, and the iren-shod war-steed klatterz on the stony street. The
slaiv-pens, them proud moniments uv the sooperiority of the AngloSacksun
race, hez bin swep away, and with them the heft uv the Democrisy.
O! my kountry! Wher is Tooms, and Yancy, and Wigfall?
The lofty domes uv the kappytle don't re-ekko no moar 2 ther
sole-inspirin voisis. Ez I reflek that these pillers uv Dimocrisy aint
hear, and wat is wuss that they dassent kum here—that these place
that knode em wunst will kno em no moar furever, my manly buzzum
throbs with sorrer, and my prowd form is bowed in anguish. O thou
fell sperit uv Abolishnizm, thow hast much 2 anser fer—mucher than
thow kanst anser. Wood that I cood heve thee owt uv these sakrid
precinks, and with gentil stranes woo back them ez we hev lost.
Avant thow grim and nasty cuss—my stumick heeves wheneer I think
uv thee.
2 resoom. I kum hear to see Vallandygum—I huntid him up, and
last nite we mingled our goys and sorrers in a talk that lasted 2 ours.
We hed a bottle uv koncentratid kontentment, and after disposin uv
a suffishensy thereof, Vallandygum commenst:
“Nasby,” sez he, “we're in a fix.”
“Vallandygum,” sez I, “to wich do yoo elude—our distractid
kountry?”
“Nary,” sez he, “I wuz a speekin uv myself, and the rest uv us.
Them's my kountry.”
“Sagashus man,” sez I, “youm rite. Politerkilly we're ez bad off
ez our frends in Fort Warin is personally—we're in a tite place.”
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“Yes,” sez he, “and we must git out. We must carry Ohio this
ortum.”
“Certingly,” sez I, “but how?”
“I hev,” sez he, “the plan uv the campane fixt. Fustly, we must
oppose the holesail votin by niggers.”
“But,” sez I, “no niggers votes in Ohio.”
“Nasby,” sez he, a puttin his thum to his nose, “a man uv straw
is the eeziest knockt down, especially ef yoo hev set him up yerself
fer the purpus uv knockin uv him down. Secondly, the immense
emygrashen uv niggers into Ohio must be prohibytid.
“But,” sez I, “no niggers air comin, er hev any noshun uv comin
in2 Ohio.”
“3rdly,” sez he, “the alarmin amalgamashun uv the races must be
prohibbytid.”
“But,” sez I, “ther 's no amalgamashen north uv the Ohio river.”
“4thly,” sez he, “the idee uv allowin the nigger to stand on a
equality with the whites, must be squelcht.”
“But,” sez I, “noboddy wants 'em to be our ekals.”
“5thly,” sez he, “no nigger must ever be allowd to hev offis in Ohio.”
“But,” sez I, “nobody wants the nigger to hev offis.”
“Never mind, Nasby,” sez he, “nigger is our trump card—we must
lead off with it. Taxes is a good dodge, fer no man likes to pay taxes,
and we must work em up on that. After nigger, compromise is
our best holt. Ef by a fair, ekitable compromise—”
“To-wit, givin our Suthern brethren all they want,” murmered I—
“We kin end this unnateral war,” continnered he, “wich hez tored
up the foundashens uv liberty, and rent the proud old Dimekratik
party in twain,”—
“Into 2 twains,” sighd I, like a ekoin zephyr.
“And reskoo the guverment from the jobbers and spekulaters who
now controle it, and put it into the hands uv pure men—”
“Sech ez Floyd, and Bright, and we,” sejestid I, smilin sweetly.
“Then,” continnerd he, a wettin his lips at the mouth uv the bottle,
“we will not hev labered in vain. To do this and bring back the
fraternal feelins uv yoar, this bluddy war must cease. Oh, Nasby,
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the dimekratik staits is bein invadid, the homes uv our Suthern brethren
is bein violatid, ther niggers and household gods is bein torn from
em, and onless we kin stand between em and rooin, will they, wen
peese is restored, take us back and give us the politikle crums they
cant use? Nary.”
It wuz past 3 o'clock, wen I partid from that trooly grate man. He
give me a gineral outline uv the plans uv the confedrits, and red me
letters he hed reseevd from Tooms, Davis, et settry.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE.
Columbus, O., June the 21, '62.
I wuz onto my way to Columbus to attend the annooal gatherin uv
the fatheful at that city, a dooty I hev religusly performd fer over 30
yeres. Ther wuz but wun seet vakent in the car, and onto that I sot
down. Presently a gentleman carryin uv a karpit bag, sot down beside
me, and we to-wunst commenst conversashen. After discussin
the crops, the wether, et settry, I askt wher he resided.
“In Oberlin,” sez he.
“Oberlin!” shreekt I. “Oberlin! wher Ablishnism runs rampant—
wher a nigger is 100 per cent better ner a white man—wher a mulatto
is a obgik uv pitty on account uv hevin white blood. Oberlin!
that stonest the Dimekratik prophets, and woodent be gathered under
Vallandygum's wings as a hen hawk gathereth chickens, at no price—
Oberlin, that gives all the profits uv her college to the support uv
the underground ralerode—”
“But,” sez he.
“Oberlin,” continyood I, “that reskoos niggers, and sets at defians
the benifisent laws fer takin on em back to their kind and hevenlyminded
masters—Oberlin”—
“My jentle frend,” sez he, “Oberlin don't do nuthin uv the kind.
Yoo've bin misinformd. Oberlin respex the laws, and hez now a body
uv her galyent sons in the feeld a fightin to manetane the Constooshn.”
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“A fightin to maintane the Constooshn,” retortid I. “My frend,”
(and I spoke impressivly) “no Oberlin man is a doin any sich thing.
Oberlin never fit for no Constooshn. Oberlin commenst this war,
Oberlin wuz the prime cause uv all the trubble. Wat wuz the beginnin
uv it. Our Suthrin brethrin wantid the territories—Oberlin objectid
They wantid Kansas fer ther blessid instooshn—Oberlin agin
objecks. They sent colonies with muskits and sich, to hold the terrytory—
Oberlin sent 2 thowsand armed with Bibles and Sharp's rifles—
two instooshns Dimocrisy cood never stand afore—and druv em
out. They wantid Breckinridge fer President—Oberlin refused and
elektid Linkin. Then they seceded, and why is it that they still
hold out?”
He made no anser.
“Becoz,” continyood I, transfixin him with my penetratin gaze,
“Oberlin won't submit. We mite 2-day hev peese, ef Oberlin wood
say to Linkin, “Resine!” and to Geff Davis, “Come up higher!”
Wen I say Oberlin, understand it ez figgerative fer the entire Ablishn
party, uv wich Oberlin is the fountin hed. There's wher the trubble
is. Our Suthern brethren wuz reasonable. So long ez the dimocrisy
controld things, and they got all they wanted, they wuz peeceable.
Oberlin ariz—the dimocrisy wuz beet down, and they riz up agin it.”
Jest eggsactly 80-six yeres ago, akordin to Jayneses almanac, a
work wich I perooz annually with grate delite, the Amerykin Eagle,
(whose portrate any wun who possessis a 5 cent peece kin behold,)
wuz born, the Goddis uv Liberty bein its muther, the Spirit uv Freedom
its sire, Tomas Gefferson actin ez physician on the occasion.
The proud bird growd ez tho it slept on guano—its left wing dipt into
the Pasific, its rite into the Atlantic, its beek thretened Kanady
while his magestik tale cast a shadder ore the Gulf. Sich wuz the
Eagle up to March, '61. Wat is his condishn now? His hed hangs,
his tale droops, ther 's no strength in his talons. Wat 's the trubble?
Oberlin. He hed bin fed on nigger fer yeres, and hed thrived on the
diet. Oberlin got the keepin uv him—she withholds his nateral food—
and onless Oberlin is whaled this fall, down goes the Eagle.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
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SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD NOT BE DRAFTED.
August 6, 1862.
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I see in the papers last nite, that the Goverment hez institooted a
draft, and that in a few weeks, sum hunderds uv thousands uv peeseable
citizens will be dragged to the tented feeld. I know not wat
uthers may do, but ez fer me, I can't go. Upon a rigid eggsaminashen
uv my fizzlekle man, I find it wood be wus ner madnis fer me 2
undertake a campane, to-wit:
1. I'm bald-headid, and hev bin obliged to ware a wig these 22
yeres.
2. I hev dandruff in wat scanty hair still hangs around my venerable
temples.
3. I hev a chronic katarr.
4. I hev lost, sence Stanton's order to draft, the use uv wun eye
entirely, and hev cronic inflammashen in the other.
5. My teeth is all unsound, my palit aint eggsactly rite, and I hev
hed bronkeetis 31 yeres last Joon. At present I hev a koff, the paroxisms
uv wich is friteful 2 behold.
6. I'm holler-chestid, am short-winded, and hev alluz hed panes in
my back and side.
7. I am afflictid with kronic diarrear and kostivniss. The money
I hev paid fer Jayneses karminnytiv balsam and pills wood astonish
almost ennybody.
8. I am rupcherd in 9 places, and am entirely enveloped with trusses.
9. I hev verrykose vanes, hev a white swellin on wun leg and a fever
sore on the uther—also wun leg is shorter than tother, though I
handle it so expert that noboddy never noticed it.
10. I hev korns and bunyons on both feet, wich wood prevent me
from marchin.
I dont suppose that my political opinions, wich are ferninst the
prossekooshn uv this unconstooshnel war, wood hev any wate with a
draftin orfiser, but the above reesons why I cant go, will, I maik no
doubt, be suffishent.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
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IN CANADA.
Brest, Kanada West, August 20, 1862.
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After more advenchers than wood fill a book, I am here in Kanada,
safe under the protectin tail uv the British Lion, where no draftin orfiser
kin molest nor make me afraid. Halleloogy!
I never shood hev taken this step, or ruther, the succeshun uv steps
that brot me here, hed a good, sound, constooshnel doctor bin appinted
Medical Eggsaminer, fer I hev twict ez menny diseases ez wood
hev eggsemptid me, but I wuz afeerd the Eggsaminer woodent see em,
ez he aint much uv a physician anyhow, besides, he votes the Union
tickit, and hez, uv coarse, prejudisis. The Commissioner is a bluddy
Ablishnist, and besides I owe him a store bill wich hez stood about 8
years. I protest agin all sich appintments.
I left in company with 5 other invalids, wun nite a little after the
“witchin hour uv 12 M.,” ez Shakspeer hez it, and any wun beholdin
our faces wood hev bin satisfide that sum “church-yard yawned” jest
previously. We traveld all nite, “sustaned and soothed by an unfaltrin
trust” in a bottle which I, with my usual 4site, took along,
together with 2 and 1 third yards uv bolony sassige, wich I alluz use
ez a thirst-provoker. We met no interrupshen till we got within 5
miles uv Toledo, (wich we did by 5 P. M., uv the next day, wich permit
me to remark, was good travelin fer sich debillytatid cusses,) when
we wuz stopt by a pickit gard uv the “Anti-draftin Invalid League,”
who remarkt, “Who goze there?” “A invalid,” sez I. “A Peece
invalid,” sez he. “Ther aint no other kind.” sez I, whereupon sez
he, “yoor a man uv sence,” a fact uv wich I hed bin long aware. I
presentid my liqwid consiliater, when he informd me that Toledo wuz
closely watcht, that escape by steemer was impossible, and that a
small bote was our only chance. He took us to the lake shore, furnisht
us a bote, and jest as the golden sun wuz a sinkin behind the
golden horizon I bid my nativ land adoo.
I need not dwell upon the perils uv that terrible passage. Suffice
it 2 say that, fer invalids, we rowed well, and finally landed at the
little village uv Brest, wher we now air.
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200 Peece men are here, and I must acknowledge that we are not
treeted with that distinguished consideration usually accordid political
eggsiles. Fer instance at the tavern where I board, the parler is
partikelerly plesent, and I wuz a settin into it. In trips a girl, purty
enuff fer a man whose taste was not vishiatid 2 eat. “Shel I shet
down this window, sir?” sez she. “Why shet it down, jentle maid?”
retorts I, lookin sweet onto her. “Because,” replide she, “I thot,
perhaps, the DRAFT was too much fer ye.” A few slavish Kanajens
who set there, laft. The landlord required a month's pay in advance,
and a further deposit uv 25 cents per eggsile, as sekoority fer the
pewter spoons, wich we hev at table. To cap the climacks, last nite
a big nigger was put into eech uv our rooms, and we were forced to
sleep with em, or okkepy the floor, wich I did. The cussid nigger
laft all nite, in a manner trooly aggravatin to hear.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
P. S.—Tell my wife to send sich money as she earns to me, as livin
is high, and ther aint no tick. The township kin support her and
the children.
IS FINALLY DRAFTED.
Camp uv the 778th Ohio Kidnapt Melishy, }
Toledo, Oct. the 17, 1862.
I am here, clad in the garb uv slaivry! Nasby, clothed in a bobtailed
bloo coat, a woolin shirt and bloo pants, with a Oysteran muskit
in his hands, a goin thro the exercise! Good hevings! wat a
spectacle!
The draft was over, and I thot that wunst more I'd visit my native
land. Gaily I stept abord the bote that was to carry me from British
shores—gaily I say, fer my money hed given out some weeks afore,
and I hed earned a precarious subsistence a sawin wood in pardnership
with a disgustin mulatto, and I lookt forwerd with goyful antisepashens
to the time when I shood agen embrace Looizer Jane, (the
pardner uv my buzzum,) and keep my skin perpetooally full uv the
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elickser uv life, out uv her washin money. Goyfully I sprang off the
bote onto the wharf at Toledo, when a hevy hand was laid onto my
shoulder. Twas a soljer! The follerin conversashen ensood:
“Wat wantest thow, my jentle frend?”
“I want yoo, my gay Kanajen.”
“On wat grounds?” retortid I.
“On the ground uv eloodin uv the draft,” sez he.
“Yoor mistaken,” sez I, “I'm a ablishnist—a emissary. I hev bin
a spredin the bred uv life among the poor kulerd brethrin in Kanady,
and am jest returnin to run thro another lot. Let me pass I entreat
thee, nor stay me in my good work.” (This wuz strategy.)
“Not much,” sez he. “I know better. Yoor a butternut.”
“How knowst thou?” sez I.
“Yoor nose,” sez he. That bucheus beekun lite wuz never got
out uv spring water.”
“Yoor knowledge uv men and things is too much fer me. I confess
and surrender at discreshun—do with me ez thou wilt.”
And he did. I wuz led out to camp, and wuz allowd to volunteer
to fite against my convickshens—against my brethren, who hev taken
up arms in a rightous coz. So be it. Hentz4th the naim uv Nasby
will shine in the list uv marters.
Amid the dark, deep gloom that envellups me, wun ray uv light
strikes me. I hev seen the eleckshun returns, and wen I seed em I
yelled Hallelogy! Me and and another victim uv Linkin's tyranny,
who is a Dimekrat, (he wuz a postmaster under Bookannon, and wen
removed by Linkin dident give up the balance uv money he hed on
hand, fearin twood be used to subvert our free instooshns,) hed a jubilee.
We smuggled a bottle uv condenst ekstasy, and celebratid
muchly. “The North's redeemed!” showtid I. “Let the Eagle
screme!” yelled he. “The Quakers hev votid!” showtid I. “Ablishnism
dead!” screemd he. “Dimocrisy's triumphed!” laft I, and
so on, until after midnite, when, completely eggsaustid, we sank into
slumber, with a empty bottle atween us.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
P. S.—Tell Looizer Jane that I may never see her again—that shood
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it be my fate 2 perish on the battle-feeld, amid the rore uv battle and
the horrors uv missellaneous carnage, my last thot, ez life ebbs slowly
away shel be uv her, and ask her ef she can't send me half or threequarters
uv the money she gits fer washin, ez whisky costs fritefully
here. P. V. N.
DESERTS---HIS EXPERIENCE IN CLOTHES.
Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, }
November the 1, 1862.
I hev deserted, and am now a soljer uv the Confederacy. Jest ez
soon ez our regiment struck Suthrin sile, I made up my mind that
my bondage wuz drawin to a close—that I wood seeze the fust oppertoonity
uv escapin to my nateral frends the soljers uv the sunny south.
Nite before last I run the gard, wuz shot at twice, (reseevin two buckshot
jest below the hind buttons uv my coat,) but by eggstrordinary
luck I escaped. Had infantry bin sent after me I shood hev bin taken,
for I am not a fast runner, but the Commandent uv the Post wuz new
at the biznis, and innosently sent cavalry. Between the hossis they
rode, and the stoppin to pick up them ez coodent stick onto ther flyin
steeds, I hed no difficulty in outrunnin em.
At last I encounterd the pickits uv the Looisiana Pelicans, and givin
myself up ez a deserter from the hordes uv the tyrant Linkin, wuz
to wunst taken afore the Kernel. I must say in this conneckshun
that I wuz surprised at the style uv uniform worn by the Pelicans.
It consists uv a hole in the seet uv the pants, with the tale uv the
shirt a wavin gracefully therefrom. The follerin colloquy ensood:
“To what regiment did yoo belong?”
“776th Ohio.”
“Volunteer er draftid?”
“Draftid.”
“Yoor name?”
“Nasby, Petroleum V.”
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I notist all this time the Kernel wuz eyein my clothes wistfully. I
had jest drawd em and they wuz bran new. Sez the Kernel:
“Mr. Nasby I reseeve yoo gladly ez a recroot in the grand army
uv Freedom. Ez yoo divest yoorself uv the clothes uv the tyrant,
divest yerself uv watever lingrin affecshuns yoo may hev fer the land
uv yer nativity, and ez yoo array yerself in the garb uv a Suthrin
soljer, try to fill yer sole with that Suthrin feelin that anymates us
all. “Jones,” sed he, addressin his Orderly, “is Thompson dead
yit?”
“Not quite,” sez the Orderly.
“Never mind,” sez the Kernel, “he cant git well uv that fever;
strip off his uniform and give it to Nasby, and berry him.”
I judgd frum the style uv the uniforms I saw on the men around
me, that I wood rather keep my own, but I sed nothin. When the
Orderly returned with the deceest Thompson's uniform, I groaned
innardly. There wuz a pare uv pants with the seat entirely torn
away, and wun leg gone below the knee, a shoe with the sole off, and
the straw he had wrapped around the other foot, and a gray woolen
shirt. Sez the Kernel:
“Don't be afeerd uv me Nasby. Put on yer uniform rite here.”
Reluctantly I pulled off my new dubble-soled boots, and I wuz
petrified to see the Kernel kick off the slippers he wore, and pull
em on. I pulld off my pants—he put em on, and so on with every
article uv dress I possest, even to my warm overkote and blankit.
Sez the Kernel:
“These articles, Nasby, belongs to the Guvment, to which I shel
akount fer them. Report yoorself to-wunst to Capt. Smith.
Ez I passed out the Lootenant-Kernel, Majer and Ajitent pulled
me to wun side, and askt me “ef I coodent git three more to
desert.” Wun glanse at ther habillyments showd why they wuz so
anxious fer deserters.
I candidly confess that Linkin takes better care uv his soljers than
Davis does. The clothin I hev described. Instid uv reglar rashens
we are allowed to eat jest whatever we kin steal uv the planters, and
ez mite be expectid we hev becum wonderfully expert at pervidin, but
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ez the Pelicans hev bin campt here three months, the livin is gittin
thin. Yet a man kin endoor almost anything fer principle.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
CAPTURES A TURKEY.
Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, }
Nov. the 15, 1862.
Nasby still lives, tho I must say its rayther tite nippin. The servis
uv the Suthrin Confedricy wood be ez pleasant ez any military
life cood be, were it not for three things to-wit:
1. We hev nothin to eat.
2. Our clothes is designed more for ornament than use, consistin
cheefly uv holes with rags around em—an appropriate summer costoom,
but rayther airy for this season.
3. Our pay is irregelar, and not jest ez good in quality ez cood be
wished.
Fer instance. Our regiment hazzent reseevd a cent fer 8 months,
and ther wuz much grumblin wich cum to the ears uv the Kernel.
“The men murmur do they,” sed he to his Ajitent. “Their complaints
is just, and they shel be paid their just dooze. Is ther a
printin offis in the town?”
“Ther is,” retorts the Ajitent.
“Go take possession uv it in the name uv the Confedrit States and
seeze watever paper he my hev on hand. The faithful Pelicans must
be paid.”
The next day every wun uv the men hed his haversack stufft with
money, each wun takin ez much ez he judgd he cood use. It does
very well except that it gives the grocery keepers much trouble, as
they take it by weight—a $1 bein wuth ez much ez a $20, ceptin that
the $20 is a trifle the largest, and weighs more.
A incident. I wuz out on pikkit dooty, in the immejit visinnity
uv a planter's barn, who hed bin suspectid uv Unionism. I saw a
turkey, capchered it, and indulged all the way into camp into the
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pleasant idee that, fer the first time in two months, I wood hev a
stumic-distendin dinner. Ez I entered camp I met the Kernel, who,
ez his eagle eye caught the proud bird I held spoke, sayin:
“Ha! a turkey. Wher gottist thow him?
“I capcherd him at Johnson's,” replied I.
“Fat and young,” mused he, feelin uv him, and then lookin up
thus he did say: “My venerable patriot, (he allooded to my gray
hairs,) this bird belonged to a Union man, and all sich property taken
by the army, belongs uv coarse, 2 the Goverment. Yoo will 4thwith
take it my quarters.
Not hevin eaten anything fer 18 hours, I determined to make wun
effort for my turky. Sez I. “Admittin the bird belongs to the Goverment,”
sez I, “I may retane him I suppose, by payin his valyoo,”
and I tendered him a handful uv the money we hed reseevd that
mornin.
“Not so fast, my aged hero,” sed he, “the Guverment needs turkeys
more than it does money. Money we kin make, but yoo must
be aware, that, without a material alterashen in our anatomikle structure
the makin uv a turkey by us is a impossibility. Leave the property
at my quarters.” * * * * * * * *
That nite I passed the Kernel's quarters. Ther wuz a sound uv
revelry within, and the odor uv a Thanksgivin dinner assaild my
nostrils. The next mornin I saw the Kernel's dorg a chawin the
bones uv that Goverment turkey.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
IMPROVES HIS FORTUNES BY MARRIAGE.
Camp uv the Looisana Pelicans, }
November the 11, 1862.
I am here and mizrable!
I am not less than 213 per cent. more mizrable nor I used to be!
I consoomd 2 hours uv the Suthrin Confedracy's time, and a 12
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foot board, assertainin the eggsact increese uv misery wich I am engoyin.
With the above result.
Wen I wuz draftid I wuz not particularly dissatisfied. My posishen
wuz becomin precarious. Looizer Jane, (the wife uv my buzm,)
had cut off my supplies, and wuz a wastin the money she reseevd fer
washin, on bread and clothes fer the children, and misunderstandins
and coolnisses ensood. I whaled her in the afternoon when she wuz
tired, and she whaled me in the mornin, when she wuz fresh. Had I
expendid the energy and strength consoomd in whalin Looizer Jane
in choppin cord-wood, I mite hev ownd a farm. I then tried the
credit system, but the unamity with which the bar-keepers all remarkt
that “that thing wuz played out,” wuz trooly surprisin to the undersined.
Knowin that I cood at eny time desert to my Suthren frends, I felt
satisfied at bein draftid. Sence my enrollment in the ranks uv the
Pelicans, the romance uv the thing hez departid. Nothin 2 eat, nothin
to wear, no money, and hard work. This is our fix. The plump,
rosy Nasby is no more—anserin 2 his name is a lean indiviggooal,
upon whose nose a bullet cood be split.
I determined to better myself by marriage. The idee wuz sejestid
by our second corpral, who interdoost me 2 a widder lady who lived
jest out uv town—the owner uv 2 thousand akers. The akers inspired
me, and I prest my soot with vigger and arder. In a week
the thing wuz dun. I caught the regimental chaplin sober enuff wun
nite, and we wuz married.
Fer a day I wuz a happy man. I contemplatid MY plantashen and
wept teers uv goy. Suddenly my happinis bustid. The Sargent informed
me that my wife—the future sharer uv my goys and sorrers—
wuz a OCTOROON, one 8th NIGGER!—that she wuz a slave left in charge
by her mistress, and that the corpral did it jest fer a goak! A purty
goak to play upon a Dimekrat! Nasby marryin a Nigger!
My views hev changed on the slavery question. Amalgamashen is
the cuss uv slavery. The blacks hev bleached and bleached, until
it is almost impossible to distinguish the slave from his owner. Wen
the mix becomes wuss, wat then? Wen the slave is ez white ez his
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master, wat are yoo goin to do? Slavery, like a man with a tape-worm,
hez within itself the elements nessessary to its destruction.
Amalgamashen is the tape-worm uv slavery.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
CONVERSES WITH A SOUTHERN SOLDIER.
Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, }
December the 11, 1862.
I hed a conversashen tother day with a fellow-defender uv the rites
uv the South, wich ruther startled me. I wuz a holding 4th with
my yoosual ability on the blessidnis uv slavery, and wus, uv coarse,
quotin hevy frum skripter to defend my position. A member uv our
company interruptid me by remarkin that Nacher hed spiled a great
rascal in me, by not contribbitin a suffishent amount uv brains. He
continued his remarks:
“Nasby,” sez he, “I know slavry is a cuss—a onmittygatid cuss.
I hed 18 niggers and they kept me as poor as a skim milk cheese.
The hogs eat the corn, the niggers eat the hogs, and I lived on what
they left. To defend my property in these niggers we seceshed and
startid a new Guvment. The new Guvment took the corn, the hogs,
the niggers, and finally took me. My oldest dawter run off with wun
defender uv the flag, my wife with another, and my youngest children
is livin with sum niggers 2 old fer the Guverment to take. I've had
my share uv rites, I hev. Ef there's any more comin to me, give
em to some poor person as needs em. I'm jest more 'n rollin in a
perfooshn uv that kind uv wealth.”
“But,” sez I—
“Ther aint no buts,” sez he. “Yoo 're a Northern man, and don't
hev niggers. Don't defend nigger. Ef I hev the itch I may sware
that itch is a good thing, but wat sence is ther in yoor swarin it, onasked
and fer nothin. Sech stratejy borders closely on lunacy. Let
us squeeze our own biles—don't yoo do it gratooitous. Appolygize
fer yer own sins—don't shoulder ourn. I may be mean for my own
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[figure description] Page 019.[end figure description]
profit, but to act dirty fer another man's use, and hev him kick ye fer
doin it, is a lick ahead uv my comprehenshun. Durn all sech men.”
And he stawkt indignently away.
I hev reseevd more letters from frends in my wunst happy but now
distractid home than I kin anser separately. I shel do it all to-wunst,
thus:
John M.—Shoemakin wood be a splendid biznis here, only the,
aint no leather. Practice haff-solin with straw before yoo start.
W. G.—The pay uv a member uv the Mississippi Legislater is $6
per diem, evry day, paid in Confedrit 30 per cent bonds, redeemable
at the pleasure uv the Guvment any time within two centuries. Come
along. Almost anybody kin git offis in this state.
P. N.—Ther is a good openin fer a Watchmaker here. I am the
only mechanic in this section uv Mississippy. I fixt the Kernel's
watch, yisterday—forged a mane-spring out uv a baynet, and fer a
chane used a fiddle-string. It don't jest keep time, but ez it ticks it
ansers to bet on poker. Fetch sum lard ile—tar won't work on
watches even in this warm climate.
Amos.—The success uv our Guvment is shoor. Finances hez trubbled
us, but our Sekretary uv the Treasury hez bought 2 fast printin
presses, and a lot up a paper on tick, and we now git all we want.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
AT HOME.
Wingert's Corners, Feb. 27, '63.
A man who duz things frum prinsipple kin stand a good deal. I
kin. Sustaned and soothed by an unfaltrin trust in the rychusnis uv
the Suthrin coz, I stuck to my beluvd rejyment, the Loozeaner Pelikins,
with a tenassity wich I did not dreme I possest. But ther is a
pint beyond wich human nacher can not go. I endoord hunger and
cold—I saw the rags drop off my muskeler limbs wun by wun—I
murmered not. But, wen the pataloons wuz awl gone—wen my
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costoom wus a blanket and wun shoe—I applide fer new pants, and the
Quartermaster onfeelinly remarkt that my dress wuz all rite; that
hereafter my costoom wuz to be adoptid ez the uniform uv the rejyment—
I felt that desershun wuz no longer a crime, and I deserted.
It is entirely onnessary to rekount awl I endoored in makin my
eskaip. Suffice it to say that at Columbus I stript the klose off uv
an innebryatid solger, and maid my way to Amanda township. My
old Demokratic friends did not kno me, and ez I expected to borry
money uv them I deemed it best not to make myself knone.
They were suspishus uv my bloo kote, at fust, until wun uv them
remarkt how I likd the serviss?
To wich I anserd, “Dam the serviss!
“Don't admire fitin fer the nigger, eh?”
“Not any,” sez I.
“Why not desert?” sez he.
“I hev deserted,” sez I.
In a instant the aspeck uv things wuz changd. A jug wuz prodoost,
and they awl shook hands. Wun, more richer nor the rest,
handed me a treasury note uv $10, sayin, “You may need it.”
I replide that, as a general thing I wood hev nothin to do with any
paper that bore the babboon likeness uv the usurper and tyrent Linkin,
but under the sirkumstances I wood endoor it until I cood get
it changd into Injeany munny. They took up a kollekshun to wunst,
fer my benefit, wich amounted to $43.
Jest at this pint wun uv em asked me to what rejyment I belonged.
I replide the Loozeaner Pelikins.
“Loozeaner!” sed another, “why that's a Confedracy rejyment
aint it?”
“To be sure,” sez I.
“And air yoo a deserter frum a Suthrin rejyment,” sez the benevelent
old butternut who hed invested $10, in the deserter biznis.
“Sartin,” sez I.
Scezin me by the throte, he ejackelated, “Give me my money you
swindler!” And with a unanimity trooly surprisin they awl yelled,
“Give me my money you swindler—you got it under false pretences.”
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[figure description] Page 021.[end figure description]
Hevin the munny safe in my pokkit, I took these compliments with
ekanimity, sidlin out and gettin away ez soon ez possible.
I am disappointed in Amandy. Frum wat I had heard I hed supposed
they were kind to deserters. I found that it makes much differense
wich side you desert from.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
ASSISTS DRAFT RESISTERS.
In the Hands uv Linkin Hirelins, }
Hoskinvill, March 26, '63.
I am in durance vile. Wunst more the tree uv liberty is uprooted
in my person—wunst more hev the unrightous tools uv the monster
Linkin seized my venerable form and incarceratid it in a basteel. So
menny times hev I bin imprisoned fer opinion's sake, that ef I kin
get a pardner with capital, I shel go into the marterin biznis. But 2
my narrashen. When the news reechd me uv the bold stand made by
the heroes uv Hoskinvill, in opposition to the draft, I determined to
throw myself “in2 the deadly and imminent breech,” ez W. Shakspeer
hez it. I made my way to Hoskinville, wuz reseeved with the
wildest enthoosiasm by the patriots ther assembled, and wuz to-wunst
placed in command uv the forces. It wuz a prowd day fer Nasby!
Before me stood, leaned and laid, (akordin ez they hed emptied their
canteens, wich wuz all filled with new fitin whisky,) two hundred uv
the brave sons uv Hoskinvill, from the rich, hory-headed farmer, (uv
whom I promptly borrerd 80 odd dollars,) to the gay and sportive
yooth uv 16, all consoomd with onquenchable arder. I drilled sech
uv them ez were suffishently sober to keep their feet, nigh onto two
days, amoozin ourselves into the intervals with passin resolooshens
denouncin Linkin, and pledgin ourselves to resist even un2 death.
At last our scouts brot us intelligence that two companies uv bloocoated
hirelins wuz within 9 miles uv us, approachin at the rate uv
wun and a half miles per hour. “Ha!” shoutid I, the foe! they
comest! Now men uv Hoskinville and visinnity, show yourselves
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[figure description] Page 022.[end figure description]
men!” Accordinly another meetin wuz immejitly organizd, Chair
man and Sekretary appointid, and a resolution passed, pledgin the
meetin to resist even un2 death, the proseedins to be published in all
the Dimekratic papers. We adjourned, and I wuz about drawin on
em up in line uv battle, and wuz instructin uv em to hold the muzzle
uv the gun from, instid uv toward theirselves when they fired, and
wuz explainin to others the necessity uv puttin the powder down the
barrel before the ball, and makin sech other arrangements ez a wise
and prudent commander determined to conker or die, would, when
suthin like a dozen uv em ejakilates:
“Gineral!”
Drawin myself up to my full hite I anserd, “Wat!”
“Gineral,” sez wun uv the oldest, “we are not advantajesly postid.
Wood it not be better on the hill,” sed he, pintin to a very high hill
jest east uv the town. I perseeved at a glance the strategik importance
uv the position, as the enemy wuz approachin from the west, and
I ordered the men to deploy by squadrons in open right file platoons,
and okepy the summit. Never wuz a order obeyed with greater alacrity.
I hev a reputashen fer speed—I kin rival the courser and outstrip
the jentle gazelle, but they shot past me like a arrow. Their
enthoosiasm carried em to the top uv the hill, and how much further
I hev no menes uv knowin, ez when I reached the top uv the hill not
wun uv the resisters wuz in site.
I wuz arrested that nite. In vain I protested that I wuz a Methodist
preacher sellin fruit trees—my nose wich blossoms ez the lobster
and a copy uv the Noo York Day Book I hed in my pocket wuz
ginst me, and I wuz to-wunst confined. My feelins is hurt.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
STRATEGISES.
Wingert's Corners, May 15, '63.
Dimocrisy hezn't ez many hobbies now ez it used to hev, and it is
somewhat difficult to keep the people strung up the proper pitch.
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[figure description] Page 023.[end figure description]
Nigger is all the capital we hev left, and its rayther tough work to
keep the old machine runnin. In Union and Orange their blood
dident bile when I told em that 40,000 niggers wuz on their way to
that section—nary bile. So I hed recourse to strategy. Last Friday
nite I prokoored some lamp-black and lard-ile, and applyin it to my
classic countenance, and my laber-staned hands, transformd myself
into a villainous contraband. Then I proceedid after night to the
south end uv the township, and at day-light commenst goin north.
The skeem workt beautiful. At every house the follerin conversashen
wood ensoo:
“Hello, Cuff, wher yoo from?”
“Tennisee, massa.”
“Wher you goin?”
“I'se gwine to stop sum 'ers 'bout heah.”
“Who sent you North.”
“Kurnel Niblin, and de ablishners ob de 21st.”
“Dam Niblin and yoo too. Git!”
Wich I alluz did. Then goin back I'd take another road, stealin
sich trifles ez shirts and stockins, and usin sich other means uv arousin
our people 2 a realizin sense uv the cuss uv a floatin nigger populashen,
ez sejestid themselves to my mind. It became a serious thing
though, fer on the fourth day so many hed seen me, that they reely
sposd the nigger invashen had commenst and they hunted me. I run
a mile, and findin they were gainin on me, darted into the woods,
washed, and come out ez the original Nasby.
Lord! what an enthoosiastic meetin we had that night. Their
faith in the nigger invasion hed bin shaky, but it was now firm.
They had seen em. Wun had seen 38, that day, uv wich number he
wuz proud to say he had killed 5. I larfed innardly, but held my
peece. Desepshen is justifiable now and then. I kin do it. I only
borrered $4 in Union.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
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ADDRESSES THE SOLDIERS.
[figure description] Page 024.[end figure description]
At a meetin uv the manejers uv the ginoowine Dimocrasy, consistin
uv the immortle J. N. Free, the illustrious Vandaldigum, and
myself, it was resolved to ishoo a address to the soljers uv the Cumberland.
Vandaldigum hevin failed in the habus corpus biznis, is
employin his spare time in amusin of hisself in Fort Warin, wich is
near Boston, while J. N. is viggerusly marterin uv hisself fer the
saik uv trooth, wich is ideotik. The dooty there4 devolves upon me.
Soljers of the Cumberland: Ez individooels hevin votes, I esteem
you—ez invaders uv Dimokratic States, ez men engaged, in the slawtrin
Dimokrats by the 1000, ez bloo koted tools uv a abolishn despotism,
I can not smile on you approvinly.
Sum uv you wuz Dimokrats, who, without contemplatin the konsekences
to the party, volunteerd. Faytle errer!—incomprehensible
stoopidity! And I regret 2 lern that, notwithstandin we hev told you
over and over that it is a Abolishn war, you laff at our sollum warnins,
and menny uv you hev turnd Abolishnists yureselves.
We warned uv the evils that wood naterally foller Abolishn victoris.
To show you that we proffeside correctly I call yure attenshun
to the follerin strictly Dimokratic fact:
Since the commensement uv the war the addishn uv niggers to
northern Ohio hez bin ez folloze:
| Hankok |
28,000 |
| Wood (in consekens uv bein in gim Ashly's deestrik,) |
84,000 |
| Lorane, (wich is near Oberlin,) |
103,000 |
| [All uv wich is studyin fer the ministry, drawin cavelry captin's
pay and rashens, till they gradoo8, inclooding 2 white servants, each] |
|
| Sineky, |
93,000 |
And so on ad infinytum. These niggers are workin in sitooashens
yoo wunst okepied. The taler shops, blaksmith shops, shoe shops,
and stores is all filld with these noosencis fresh from Suthrin plantashens.
So yoo see that while they hev seezed upon yure labor, you
air taxt by a nigger-luvin Government to support them in idlenis.
But there is moar fax:
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[figure description] Page 025.[end figure description]
Number uv soljers wives who died uv starvashen in Hankok
Besides I small wooman they did not count. And all this time,
(my blud biles wen I think uv it,) the entire nigger popelashen is
bein fed on briled sirline stake stufft with oysters. 238 white men
hev marrid black femails, within 2 weeks, also 803 white wimmin to
black men, all in the corporashen uv Wingert's Corner, the Guverment
payin license, preecher's fee, and the bridle outfit, incloodin furnytoor
to start 'em howskeepin.
It is useless to multiply instancis. You are eckspoosin yure lives
and helth, just 2 set free a army uv shiftlis niggers, who wont work,
and who by takin yoor plasis on the farms and in the workshops,
will prevent yoo from ernin a onist livin wen yoo git back.
Soljers, remember these things wen yoo vote this fall. Under Dimokratic
rule, wen the Sowth roold us percisely as they wantid, 2 awl
wuz peese. We kin hev it agin on the saim terms, with perhaps the
payin uv the expensis they have incurred in manetanin uv ther rites,
payin penshuns 2 the widders uv them yu hev wikkidly slane, et
settery.
Soljers! you kin emansipate yureselves. Shoot yer offisers, throw
down yure arms, and cum hoam. The old party is in danger, and
without you it'll go to rooin a canterin. Shel any feelin uv pride in
yure country deter you frum comin wen yure party is in peril? I
can not beleeve it.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
Fer hisself and collegues—I uv hoom is in a abolishn basteel, a
studyin “Pulpit Pollytiks,” and the uther a going round missellance
usly a marterin uv hisself.
ORGANIZES A DEMOCRATIC CHURCH.
Wingert's Corners, Joon 6, 1862.
Nuthin hez dun so much agin the Dimocrisy ez churches, skoolhouses,
Sundy-skools, preachers and sich. Here, our people hev
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[figure description] Page 026.[end figure description]
awoken to the dangerous tendencies uv sich instooshns, and hev set
about viggerously to suppress 'em. Ez this work is what my hart
delites in, I organized the pious portion uv the Dimocrisy, that we
mite do our work well and thorough. When my jigantic intellek hez
a chanse, the work is shoor to be well done, and I hev the satisfaction
uv announsin the complete destruction uv two churches, the drivin
off 5 preachers, and the frightnin uv many wimin.
But my mission is not alone to tear down—I bild up. The ijee segestid
itself to my fertile mind that a strikly Dimekratic Church and
Sundy Skool wood not only help the cause, but afford me an easy livin.
It wuz dun, and I am reglarly installed ez the paster uv the first
Dimekratic Church uv Ohio.
The follerin is the order uv exercises:
1. People assemble at the second tootin uv the horn.
2. Readin uv one uv the follerin passages uv Skripter:—9th chapter
uv Jennysis, wich relates the cussin uv Canaan, provin that niggers
is Skriptoorally slaves, and the chapters about Hayger and Onesimus,
wich proves the Fugitive Slave Law to be skriptooral. (The
rest uv the Bible we consider figgerative, and pay no attenshun to,
watever.)
3. Singin—“O we'll hang Abe Linkin on a sour apple tree,” or
some other improvin ode, hevin a good moral.
4. Readin extrax from the Noo York Argus.
5. Singin—“O John Brown's body hangs a danglin in the air.”
6. Readin from the Day Book.
7. Lecture on whatever phase uv the nigger question may seem
approprit.
We hev also organised a Sundy Skool on a pure basis. I spent
much time in gittin up a katekizm, uv wich the follerin is a sample:
Q. Wat is the cheef end uv man?
A. To whale niggers and vote the Dimekratic tikkit forever.
Q. Wat do the Skripters teach?
A. That a angel sent Hayger back to her mistress, that Paul sent
Onesimus back, and “Servance obey yoor masters.”
Q. Who wuz Onesimus and Hayger?
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[figure description] Page 027.[end figure description]
A. Onesimus wuz a mulatter, and Hayger a octoroon.
Q. Wat is sin?
A. Skratchin a ticket.
Q. Who compose the Dimocratic trinity?
A. Vallandygum, Brite and Fernandywood.
Q. Wat is the first duty uv man?
A. To beware uv Ablishn lies, to rally to the poles, to vote early,
and to bring in the agid, the infirm and the ideotik.
To stimoolate the infant mind I hev institootid a system uv rewards
ez follows.
For committin 2 verses uv Vallandygum's address, 1 beer check,
good at the Corners; 5 verses, 2 checks; 12 verses, 4 checks, and to
the child hevin the most verses, a copper-mounted butternut pin.
We had a festival yesterday. The tables wuz bounteously spred
with bolony, liver-worst and crackers, wile a barl uv native whisky
furnisht the flooids nessary. It wuz a tetchin site to see the mothers
with maternal solissitood, a mixin Nacher's Great Restorer with water
and sorgum surup, to adapt it to the infantile stumick. Fer my
part I alluz take mine strait.
I bleeve good will be accomplisht. Last week in makin a pastorel
visit jest about noon to the house uv wun uv my flock, who hez fine
poultry, I wuz amoosed at hearin a meer infant only three years uv
old, swinging his little hat, and cry, “Hooraw fer Jeff Davis.” It
wuz tetchin. Pattin the little patriot on the head, I instantly borrowed
five cents uv his father to present to him.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
GOES ON WITH HIS CHURCH.
Church uv St. Valandygum, }
June 10, '63.
We hed a blessid and improvin time yisterday. My little flock
staggered in at the usual hour in the mornin, every man in a heavenly
frame uv mind, hevin bin ingaged all nite in a work uv mercy,
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[figure description] Page 028.[end figure description]
towit: 2 mobbin uv 2 enrollin officers. One uv em resisted and they
smote him hip and thigh, even ez Bohash smote Jaheel. (Skriptooral,
wich is nessarv, bein in the ministry.) He wuz left fer dead.
We opened servis by singin a hym, wich I writ, commencin es follows:
“Shel niggers black, this land possess,
And mix with us up here?
Oh no, my frends, we rayther guess,
We'll never stand that 'ere.
I then held forth from this text:—“Whar hev ye laid him?” I
statid that the person I referred to wuz the marterd Vallandygum,
and I, in behaff uv a outraged Dimocrisy, demanded uv the tyrant
Linkin, “Whar hev yoo laid him?” A unconvertid individooal sed,
“He's laid him out!” wich remark cost him a broken head I went
on to show why our saint hed bin martered. It wuz becoz he wuz a
Dimocrat—becoz he dared to exercise the rites garanteed to every
American, exceptin Ablishnists and niggers, aboosin the Guverment.
Fer this and nuthin else wuz he eggsiled. “My frends,” sez I,
drawin myself up to my full hite, and lookin ez much like Fernandy
Wood ez possible, “I am willin to be marterd. I denounce this war
as unholy, unconstooshnel, unrighteous and unmittygated. It is
nuthin less than a invashen uv Dimocratik states, fer the sole purpus
uv freein niggers. Linkin is a tyrant, Burnside a tool, order 38 a
relik uv barberism, and I will resist the enrollment, the conskripshen
and the tax. Hooray fer Jeff Davis.
Our class meetin wuz more interestiner than ever. One old, white
headed brother sed that at times his way was dark, and his pathway
gloomy. Wunst he wuz very near becomin a infiddle. He reely be
lieved at one time that the nigger was human, and wunst he voted fer
a Republican road Supervisor. But he hed repented, and was, he
trusted, forgiven. His mind wuz now easy, and he should vote the
whole Dimocratic tickit.
Two backsliders who scratched their tickits last fall, confest their
sin, publicly. I exhorted em two hours, fined em a gallon uv whisky
apeece, and took em into full communion. The whisky will be devotid
to the missionary service, wich is me.
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This is a deliteful feeld uv labor. At the Corners they give me
sech flooids ez I need, at all the doggeries but one, and at that one
they trust me wich amounts to the same thing. I hev borrid uv my
flock over 60 dollars already. It is a rich feeld, and wun which
will endoor much workin. My nose is deepnin in color every hour.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
STARTS A PAPER.
Church uv St. Vanlandigum, June 30, '63.
I am back in the midst uv my flock. I coodent be a marter. The
Fedral orfisers dismist me with the insultin remark that I wuz 2 smal
pertaters to notis. Hevin time on my hands, and feelin that I'm
livin in vane onless I am doin suthin fer the grate coz, I hev determined
to ishoo a paper, devoted to disseminatin my vews. I ishood
my prospectusses to-day, uv which the follerin is wun:
TO THE PURE DIMOCRISY!
PROSPECTUS UV THE “MARTER AND TIRENT RESISTER!”
Orgust 1st, the undersined will ishoo the fust number uv a paper
bearin the above title, devoted to the interists uv the pure Dimocrisy.
To inshoor the fatheful just sech a paper ez they need, the follerin
able writers hev bin ingayjed, regardlis uv expence:
On arbitrary arrests—Petroleum V. Nasby.
On habis corpuss—P. V. Nasby.
On nigger—P. Volcano Nasby.
On vilashens uv Constooshnal rites—Mr. Nasby.
This brilyunt gallacksy uv intelleck, under the edytorel controle
uv Petroleum V. Nasby!”
The “Marter and Tirent Resister,” will support Valandigum, and
while givin the Guverment a harty support in puttin down the rebelyun,
will uv coarse oppose—
Coercin the secedid staits;
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[figure description] Page 030.[end figure description]
Invadin the secedid staits;
Raisin armiz by volunteerin;
Raisin armiz by draft er conscripshen;
Raisin meens by tax er tariff;
Arrestin uv men fer sympathisin with the Southern Dimocrisy;
Arrestin uv enybody fer enything;
The usin uv niggers ez soljers;
The usin uv white men ez soljers;
Evrything the Administrashen hez dun, is doin, er may hereafter do.
It will viggerously advokate—
The Constitooshn ez it is;
Vallandigum's doin away uv the Constitooshn;
The Union ez it wuz;
Vallandigum's plan fer dividin the Union in2 4 parts;
The eleckshen uv Vallandigum;
The eleckshen uv troo Dimekrats to good payin offises;
The enforsement uv the laws;
The resistin uv conskripshen and enrolein offisers;
Morality and good order;
The mobbin uv Methodis, Presbyterin, Luthrin, Brethrin and uther
hetrodox churchis.
I appele confidently too the Dimocrisy fer support. The actooal,
ginooine prinsiples uv Dimocrisy need a able defender, and I'm the
identicle individooal. Mi hole sole is in the coz, and I am peecooliarly
fitted by eddicashen and taists fer the posishen.
I bleeve the speckelashen will pay hevy. My church welkomed
me back with a corjality trooly affectin. They held a Festivle on my
return, to wich the Sundy skool skolars wuz present. I unbendid
myself, and kist em onct apeece, takin a nip uv corn essense atween
times, wich wuz nessary. Mistakin a mother fer her infant, the infooriated
husband assaulted me. I wus reskood afore much damij
wuz dun. A speshl church meetin will be held too considder his
case.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
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PREACHES AND MAKES A SUDDEN SHIFT.
Church uv St. Valandygum, July 7th, '63.
[figure description] Page 031.[end figure description]
I preached last Sunday from the text, “Break every yoke and let
the opprest go free.” I went on to show that this text had no reference
watever to niggers. Niggers wuz ordained 2 be bondmen fron
the very day Noah took a overdose uv the Great Happyfier, and cust
Canaan. But the text, like the Deklarashen uv Independense, and
the ever blessid Constitooshn, wuz made solely fer white men. It
hed undoubted reference to the payin uv debts. Wat heavier yoke
is ther than notes? and who is more opprest than he who pays ten
per cent? “Burn yer notes, and let yer debtors go free,” wood be a
more correcter readin uv the passage.
In our biznis meetin in the afternoon, the question uv the draft
wuz considered. It wuz plain that the enrolement cood not be prevented.
The enrolein orfisers hed managed to do it, and it wuz a sertinty
that every name atwixt 18 and 45 wuz down. And we were al
so satisfied that the draft cood be enforst, and there4, it behooves us
to make it ez light ez possible, more espeshly, ez when wun uv us is
draftid, he will hev 2 go, not hevin the nessary 300 dollars. It is
here ez it is in all excloosivly dimecratic communities, the grocery
keepers absorb all the capital. The follerin resolutions were past:
Wheras, Our nashen is involved in a horrible, fratrisidle war, the
same bein unholy and waged solely 2 free the nigger and enslaiv the
white man, wich is therefore our duty to oppose the same, therefore
be it
Resolved, That we are in favor uv raisin our quota by volunteerin,
and hereby urge the same.
Resolved, That the consider the employment uv niggers ez soljers
ez not only justifiable, but highly commendable.
Resolved, That a committee be appinted to sekoor the settlement
uv 2 hunderd families uv niggers in this township, excloosivly fer
volunteerin purposes.
The resolooshens wuz past, and the committees appointed.
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The very next day we heerd uv Vicksburg and Gettysburg. I to-wunst
blew the horn and got my flock together—told em the news,
and offerd the following resolooshens:
Whereas, Our beloved country is involved in a bloody war aginst
rebels and traitors—
(A old man interrupted me sayin “W-h-a t?” Payin no attenshen,
I proceeded.)
And in sich a crisis the dooty uv every troo citizen is to sustain
the Guverment, therefore, be it
Resolvd, That the Dimocrisy are, ez they alluz hev bin, in faver
uv a viggerus prossekooshen uv the war.
Resolvd, That our confidence in the great Vallandygum is unabated,
and bleevin him to be the only actooal war man in Ohio shel
give him our harty support.
Resolvd, That the reports uv troubles in Ohio and Ingeany is lies,
got up to deseeve the people.
The resolooshens wuz past, tho I had to tell em twice to vote for
em. We immejitly hunted up 2 enrollin orfisers who we tarred and
feathered sum weeks ago, jest after Hooker wuz defeated by Lee, at
Chanslerville, wen we spozd our Suthern brethrin wood triumph, and
giv em a public dinner. Ef all the leaders of the Dimocrisy were ez
sagashus ez me, the old party wood hev smooth sailin. Alas! how
few hev the gigantik intellek uv Nasby! I hev written to my frends
advisin em to shift ez soon ez possible.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church in charge.
OBSERVES A DAY OF FASTING.
Church uv St. Vanlandigum, July 20.
Yesterdy wuz set apart by my congregashen, ez a day uv fastin and
humiliashen fer our misforchunes at Gettizberg, and the loss uv Port
Hudsen and Vixburg. I ishood the follerin direxshens fer the proper
observance uv the fast, to-wit:
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[figure description] Page 033.[end figure description]
1. Nip before breckfust not 2 eckseed two jills.
2. Fer breckfust no animil food permitted, ceptin ham and eggs,
beef, etc.
3. Fer dinner, ditto, supper same ez on uther daze.
4. Beer 2 be taken by the single glass, and pretzels 2 be eten without
salt on em.
5. These rules to be void in the case uv peepil over 35 and invalids,
who may hev ther sustainin flooids ez usual.
I preecht frum this text, “O mi sole why art thow cast down.” I
told em we wuz cast down becoz uv Meed's whippin Lee, becoz uv
Grant's takin Vixburg, and Banks' takin Port Hudson. That's what's
the matter with us. That's what hez cast a shadder over owr countnansis,
and changd the hew uv our nozis from the brilyunt crimsun
to the gastly bloo! The flattrin hopes uv a successful invashen uv
the North is dasht—likewise the releef uv Vixburg, and now to fill
our cup uv sorrer, Jon Morgin's command is destroyd. But still my
frends ther is a silver linin 2 evry clowd, wich is poetry. There is
wun ray uv hope, amid all this gloom. I allood 2 the late constooshnal
demonstrashens in Noo York. Ther wuz a victory. The draft
books wuz destroyed and the draft wuz stopped. But ther wuz a bigger
triumph than stoppin the draft. Niggers wuz killd—the prowd
Anglo-saxn riz in his mite and stoned the niggers! Halleloojy. At
this pint sum uv the awjence becum sleepy, and to arowse them I becum
faseshus. Why, sez I, wuz the Dimocrisy who mauld the niggers
in Noo York, a most ennerjetic and perseverin people? Becoz,
anserd I, they left no stone unturnd 2 effect their purpus. The ijee
uv interdoosin conundrums in2 the pullpit is orijenel with me. I
closed by exhortin uv em too stand firm. Ef we kin elect Vallandigum
we may yet check the Fedral Guvment in its victorus carere.
With Ohio all rite fer constooshnal rites, the game uv subjoogashen
wood be playd out. Let us, sed I, never falter nor faint, but press
onnard 2 to the mark uv our hy callin. Ez the Isrelites threw down
the walls uv Gerryko by blowin ram's horns, so kin we by blowin our
horns throw down the walls uv this Abolishn Gerryko. Blow your
horns, my breethrin, for whoso bloweth not his own horn the same
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[figure description] Page 034.[end figure description]
shall not be blown, but whoso bloweth his own horn the same shall
be blown with a muchness.
We took a enumerashen uv owr church with a vew to the draft,
with the follerin result:
| Hole number uv male members, |
200 |
| Over 45, |
50 |
| Under 18, |
50 |
| Badly rupcherd, and utherwise diseasd, |
92 |
| Gone to Canady 2 visit ther uncles, |
8 |
We air esy in our minds on this subjic.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
VISITS VALLANDIGHAM.
Church uv St. Valandygum, July 27, '63.
I hev jest returned from a visit to our persekootid saint Valandygum.
The marter wuz holdin a resepshun at the Clifton House, wen
I arrove. He caught site uv me ez soon ez I entered the room, and
he rusht in2 my arms, and droopin his head on2 my heavin buzm,
weept aloud:
“Marterd saint!” sez I, with a voice tremulous with emoshen.
“Sufferer fer truth!” sez he, and then this trooly grate man whispered,
“Jest keep in this posishn a minnit—the artist uv the Noo
York Illustratid Flapdoodle is makin a sketch uv us,” wich we did,
standin locked in2 each others arms, and weepin profoosely fer 15
minits. It wuz exhaustin and tiresum, but fer the cause I endoord
it. The picter will appear in next week's Flapdoodle, headed “The
2 grate minds uv the Age! Affectin meetin uv Vallandygum and
Nasby!” The matter akompnyin the picter will be written by Valandygum
and myself, he writin wat relates 2 hisself, and I wat relates
2 myself. We kin do ourselves justis. After the Eastern delegashen
hed gone thro the serrymony uv kissin his feet, wich cleaned em, he
dismist em, and we wuz alone.
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[figure description] Page 035.[end figure description]
“Nasby,” sez the great C. L., “how is things in my nativ state?”
“Squally,” sez I.
“Wat wuz the pervalin sentiment uv the people as to my eggsile?”
“They was extreemly glad uv it.”
“The akount uv my prostrashen—my untold suffrins, et settry,
wich I hed publisht in the papers; did that not affect them?”
“Yes, they laft.”
“Did not the affectin akount uv the wife uv my buzm, and my cher
ub babes a jinin me here 2 share my lonely eggsile, move em?”
“Nary move.”
“Nasby, the peeple is stun. But I'll fetch em. Nil despritrando
is my motto.”
After a few moments uv profound silence, he resoomd. “I must
be Guvner, fer how else kin we prevent the subjugashen uv the Dimekratic
staits. Elect me and therd be no more trouble about drafts,
onless we shood git involved in a war with the United States. The
Confedracy wood be recognised, Ohio wood go with the South, and
slavery wood be interdoost, and as we woodent hev eny further use
er em, poor men woodent be allowed to vote, making me perpetooal
Guvernor. Nasby, we must succeed.”
“Certainly. But we're in a tite plais. Oor speekers is embarist.
It takes a gigantik intellek to bring the pints 2gether. A anicdote.
A spritely boy wunst put 200 eggs in a nest fer a hen to set on. Sez
his maternal mother. “My son why puttist thou so many eggs under
the hen. She canst not kiver em.' “Certainly she canst not, but
thunder, I want to see her spread herself.” Jest so. Our speakers
are in the same fix. The outside egg in the Dimekratik nest is opposition
to the war. Together side uv the nest 200 eggs distant, is the
support uv the war. To kiver em all requires great stretchin capasity.
“Troo, 2 troo. But we must mix it and trust to luck. In loyal
counties stuff em with dilooted patriotism—in OUR counties pure
secesh. The people is jest ez gullible now ez ever they wuz.”
I left the patriot and sage much comforted.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church in charge.
-- --
CONFESSION OF FAITH.
Church uv St. Vanlandigum, Orgust 31, '63.
[figure description] Page 036.[end figure description]
We hed the glorusist kind uv a seesun yisterdy. The winders wuz
opend and a showr uv pure Dimecratic grace desendid upon us and
we wus blest. Glory! We reseeved into our Zion 18 young men who
reseevd the faith by inheritance, ther fathers hevin alluz voted the
strait ticket. The follerin is the Confeshun uv Faith too wich they
subscribed:
Queshun—Dostest thow bleeve that Canaan wuz doomd to bondig
becoz uv Noer's gittin tite; that Hayger and Onezimus prove the
skriptoorality of the fugytiv slaiv law; that taken ez a hull they
show that the ketchin uv niggers with dorgs is commendible and
evangelikle?
Dostest thow bleeve that the present war is unconstooshnel and unholy;
that it wuz brot on by the Abolishnists interferin with staivry;
that the bombardment uv Sumter wuz rite, tho hasty?
Dostest thow bleeve that Linkin is a tyrent and usurper; that he
hed no rite too subjoogait the sowth; that his callin out troops wuz
unconstooshnel; and that everything he hez dun, since the war begun
is likewise unconstooshnel?
Dostest thou bleeve that Vallandigum wuz sent in2 the world to
save the Dimocratic party; that in doin it he wuz arestid at Dayton,
tride afore Ponteus Burnside, and sent sowth; that after 3 months he
riz agen in Canydy, whense he shel cum ez soon ez hese electid, and
Pooh goes after him with 300 thowsan?
Dostest thow take the Crisis?
Dostest thow bleeve that the Sentrel committis is the sole dispenser
uv opinyun, and wiltest thow alluz yawp wen they wink?
Dostest thow bleeve that skratchin a tikkit is the onpardonable sin?
Dostest thow bleeve that this war wuz got up to free niggers, and
that to-day, Linkin hez 75,000 niggers in Ohio, a feedin on fride oysters
and hot punch?
Dostest thow bleeve that Lee is the greatest gineral uv the age,
and that all reports uv Fedral victries is lies?
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[figure description] Page 037.[end figure description]
Dostest thow bleeve Ben Butler's a beast, and Hamlin a mulatter?
Wiltest thow pledge yurself 2 oncompremisinly oppose yure sisters
marrying niggers, no matter how much they want to?
2 all uv these questuns the candidates anserd, “I dost.” Bro.
Tuttle extendid the rite hand uv fellowship—Bro. Huff sold eech uv
em a copy uv Vallandigum's Record, and after making a X to their
names, wich I hed prevusly ritten in our church book the wuz made
members of my flock.
The coz is prosperin. We commense a series uv revival meetins
next week, and hev made extensiv prepparashens therefor. 10 barls
uv condenst Dimocrisy, 20 barls uv beer, and 300 yards uv bolony
hez bin pervided. Ther will be a outporin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
PREACHES—SUBJECT, “GIVEN. ”
Church uv St. Vanlandigum, }
September 21, 1863.
I preeched yisterdy frum this text: “Verely I say unto yoo, it is
moar blesseder toe give than toe reseeve.”—Joab 17, 313 to 21, incloosiv.
The inspird riter hed, no dout, the Dimecratic party in his mind's
I, wen he rit them wurds uv wisdom. Experence hez shode the
trooth uv them sentens, and ef it hadent youd be bound to bleeve it,
coz I, yoor paster, sez so, wich is Dimocrisy. To illustriat we shell
inquire:
1. Wat is givin?
Givin is givin, wich is a suffishently cleer explanashen fer all practikle
perpuses.
2. Wen shood we giv?
This pint reqwires moar eloocydashen. We must giv alluz, fer it
is moar blessider toe giv ner toe reseeve. The Dimocrisy hez alluz
bin scriptooral in this partikeler. Wen the Sowth wantid Misoory,
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[figure description] Page 038.[end figure description]
we giv it. Wen she wantid a Fugytiv Slaiv Law, we giv it. Wen
she wantid Texis, and Kansas, and Nebrasky, we giv it, halleloogy.
Wen she wantid Bookannon, we giv it, and wen she demandid Duglisses
hed, we giv it, fer it is moar blessider to give ner it is to reseeve.
3. Why shood we giv?
Becoz it pays. So long ez the Dimocrisy hed the power uv givin
all wuz well. The Sowth hevin all it wanted wuz contentid, and evrythin
went on smooth and plesent like. Nacher intendid em to rool,
and us uns to serve, and we wuz satisfide, and so wuz they. Such
offisis ez wuz benethe em, they tost to us, and all wuz peese. It wuz
normel.
4. Wat hez bin the consekencis uv not givin?
My frens, seest thou yon Post orifise? A abolishnist sets there.
And woe is us the plasis we onct did fill all ore the land, we fill no
moar. And wus. Ther is war—the North hez rebeld aginst the
Dimocrisy, and to-day, yoor sons is being dragged to the tentid feeld,
to be offered up a sakrifis to the fell sperit uv “not givin.” Oh, my frens,
we stumbled ourselvs. We faild to giv wunst, and that failyour wuz
fatle. Wen we in our pride defide the Sowth at Charleston, we sinned,
and air now payin fer it. O hed we all yoonited in given, then—
hed we follered presedent and got down into the dust then, all wood
hev bin well.
We dedooce from the foregoin the follerin grate trooth, to-wit, viz:
Suffrin alluz follers sin. Nether duz the sinner git the price uv his
sin. The demon uv Abolishnism, er Not Given, wich is sinonymus,
held afore the eyes of Duglis the dazzlin prospek uv Northrin votes.
But lo! wen Duglis hed took the fatel step, the votes wuz Linkin's,
and the Post orfises wuz Linkin's, and the Dimocrisy supped on sorrer,
and brekfasted on woe.
Ther is, my brethren, a hevy cuss on Not givin. “Wo unto yoo
fer a stif-necked and rebelyus people.” Abiram 31, 5, xlp. In the
originel Rooshen it is “stif-backt” instid uv “stif-neckt,” wich makes
it mene Massychusetts. They wood never bend a inch, they hed no
limbernis, and with head up, instid uv down—with backs strate, instid
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[figure description] Page 039.[end figure description]
uv curvd, they insisted on bein men ez well ez Virginny, thus forcin
the Sowth to take up arms to bend em into ther nateral posishen.
My frens, this war is a effort on the part uv the Sowth to put down
these rebels aginst the grate prinsiple uv Given. That's all they
want, and wen they git it they'll stop, I make no doubt. Then
breethrin, let us pray fer their sukcess—let us imytait our marterd
saint, Vanlandigum, who is a exel far away, and 2 the xtent uv our
ability ferther the grate coz. Let Noo Ingland be got under, Sumner,
and Waid, and Giddins, and Gim Ashly, and Oin Luvgoy, hung—
the grate Davis President, with Fernando Wood and Vandaldigum
in his Cabynit, then will ther be for us peece, and harmony, and good
will, and post orifises. Let wat I hev sed sink deep in2 yoor harts,
wen the contribooshen box cums around, remember that “it is moar
blesseder 2 give than 2 reseeve.” So mote it be.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
VISITS CAMP DENNISON TO ELECTIONEER FOR VALLANDIGHAM,
Church uv St. Vanlandigum, }
October 1, 1863.
Feelin it a sakred dooty I oad the coz uv Dimocrisy and fre speech,
(on awl subgeks not interferin with Dimocrisy ez it hez bin, ez it is,
or ez it may be,) I visyted Camp Dennyson, wich is naimd after a
Abbolishnist, to use my stentorin voyse fer Vanlandigum, among the
payrold prizners. It wuz a bammy mornin in September, wen I
arriv, and procoorin admishen, I set to work to onct. Noticin a cupple
uv duzen uv a playin poker, I cent anty, I jedged by a instink I
hev that ther wuz a gud field fer sowin dimycratik seed. Advansin,
I sed, “My frends!” “Wat,” sed wun uv em, takin advantij uv the
interrupshen to slip a ace er 2 up his koat sleeve.
“My frends,” sed I, “I cum 2 yoo es a possel uv peece, and I umble
advokait uv Dimocrisy, and that persookootid angil, Vanlandigum,—
-- 040 --
[figure description] Page 040.[end figure description]
“Five aces, Jimuel,” sed the person who fust sed “Wat” to me,
“I take the pile, coz yu no yu cant bete five aces,” and sweepin the
munny, he remarkt 2 me, “now parson wat did yu say?”
“I cum,” sez I, “in behaff uv the outrajd Vanlandigum, who is a
exel far away.”
I found that the sile ov Camp Dennyson wuz altogether 2 stony to
maik preeching for Vanlandigum and fre speche very plesent, fer no
sooner hed the wurds left my lips than a showr uv stuns assaled me,
wun that felt ez tho it wayd a tun prostratid me. A seriz uv outrajis
wuz then perpetrated wich beggers deskripshun. I wuz peltid with
offensive eggs, and rotten cabbig, and decayd pertaters, in fact at wun
time the air wuz so full uveggs, that I might hev thot, hed I bin poetikle,
that the blessid sun wuz a mammuth hen, badly diseazd, and
a layin rotten eggs a milyun a minnit. Finelly, wun uv em sez,
“Boys, we aint the prizners this feller's after. Johnson's Island's
wher he want to go to find his frends.” “Yes,” sed another, “and
to git thair yu go by water,” whereupon thsee frends seezed me and
draggd me thro a hoss troff 15 er a hunderd times. Then they
pourd cole ile over me, and wuz a goin to set afire to dry me, ez they
sed, but I broak and fled, pursood by 1000 uv these infooriatid demuns.
I finelly escaid by passin myself orf ez Horris Greely, onto
a party uv em who stopt me.
I am at present confind to my bed, sustanin myself by takin dosis
uv terbacker joose from J. Davis' spittoon, dilooted with whisky. It
inwiggoraits me.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
IN THE “APOSSEL BIZNIS. ”
May 6th, 1863.
The sole uv Nasby's foot knoze no rest. Eternal viggilence is the
prise uv libberty, and a old Dimecrat who hez never skratched a tikkit,
and who never spiles his likker by dilooshn, kin work in these
-- 041 --
[figure description] Page 041.[end figure description]
perilus times. I am engaged in organizin Sieties on the basis uv the
Union ez it wuz, the Constitooshn ez it is, and the nigger wher he
awt to be. This imployment soots me—the apossel biznis I like.
Brot into continooal contack with the best uv Dimecrats, I hev the
run uv a thowsan jugs—pay regler and libral—fasilitiz fer borrerin
unekalled—I am kontent. I send a few extrax frum my jernal.
Mundy, 2d.—Kum into Whartensberg afoot. Wuz reseeved with
enthooziasm, invited to drink 20 times in ez menny minits, which invitashens
I acceptid, solely fer the good uv the coz. Hevin cast-iron
bowils I survived the trial. I found here a order called the “Limit,”
wich is a good thing. Hed a meetin, and added the oaths to resist
drafts and shelterin deserters, and after exhortin uv them to stand by
Valandigum, borrered thirty dolers and a clene shirt, and departid.
[Poskrip.—The clene shirt I borrered frum a line about 9 P. M.
Toosdy, 3d.—Houktown wuz the next pint. Dimecrisy all rite to
opperate on. Never wuz in a place in wich nigger wuz so hated and
feerd. They hev a holesum prejoodis agin everything black. Wun
old patriark shot all his black sheep, paintid a black hoss red, and
his dawter, a gushin majen uv thirty-too, askt the obgik uv her affeckshins
too dy his raven lox white. A roomer that a Provo Marshel
wuz in the visinity did the job fer him in a single nite. Found
em well organizd. Addrest em at length, showin conclusivly that hed
Linkin resined in faver uv the hi-mindid Davis, we shood never hed
this war. That sech a compermise, and the follerin consessions, wood
hev averted blud-shed, to-wit:
The rite uv suffrage to held only by slave-owners and sech ez they
may designate.
The repele uv awl tariffs ceptin the wun on sugar.
The fillin up uv Boston harber.
The suppreshun uv the Triboon.
The hangin uv Giddins, Waid, Ashly, Sumner and Oin Luvgoy.
I dwelt at length on the horrers uv amalgamaehen, and closed with
an elokent appele to stand by Vanlandigum and pure Dimocrasy.
Borrered three dolers on a prommis to remit, wish I shel do sum time
after next Preidenshel eleckshin. I maid the wictim ezy, by given
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[figure description] Page 042.[end figure description]
him my note. Wen men can be made comfortable by simply a note,
I alluz do it, if they furnish paper. Benevolens is a prominent trate
in my karicter.
Wensdy, 4th.—Van Buren wuz my next pint. The Dimocrisy
here hev their lamps trimd and burnin. They indoost more soljers
to desert than any in the county ceptin Amandy and Union. I organised
a branch sosiety to wunst. A blessid feelin pervades here.
They jest more than hate niggers, and morn twenty babies hev bin
named Valandigum within six munths. One enthoosiastic old Butternut
named a femail infant Vallandighamia, and another named his
boy J. N. Valandigum Olds Woods Bright. The boy hez a strong
constooshn and may live. Things is workin in Allen. I borrered
only 8 dollers uv the fatheful, which I shel pay wen 1 uv my rich
uncles pegs out.
I shel percede to Unyum and Orange townships immejitly.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church in charge.
WAILETH.
Church uv St. Valandygum, }
October 14, '63.
I'm sad—and waxed. My hed is a fountin uv teers, and mine eyes
distil dilootid corn-joose. My hart is lead, and my sole is pot-bellied
with greef. My lims ake with woe, my manly form is bowd, and my
venrable lox is turnd white. O, Valandigum, thow hast gon to the
grave, and in the same toom is berrid all my hopes. Adoo, vane
world, adoo! I'll be a nunnery.
The fait uv the peeple uv Ohio is seeld. Valandigum,
“Our chosin stander-barer,”
Is not only a exile far away, but ther is a cheerful prospek, wich is
daily improvin, uv his continnerin in the exile biznis fer an indeffynit
peryod uv time. A tyrannikle Presydent hez taken our old habis
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[figure description] Page 043.[end figure description]
corpusses from us, and persistenly refuses to furnish us new wuns—
and the peeple hevin acqwiest by their votes, we lay bound hand and
foot. Men fleein from conskripshen and sich, kin be seezd and dragd
in2 slavery—cavelry drest in odjus bloo hez license to hunt the pantin
fugitive, who, after drawin his bounty and pay, changis his mind
and desires to return to the buzem uv his family, and the shootin uv
enrollin orfisers and tax assessors will now be considerd a crime. Alas!
The news affectid me variously. I hed our township all fixt, hevin
distribbitid tikkits, and knowin nun uv em cood skratch em, ez they
don't rite enny. I reseevd the returns with a gratifide smile. “Bless
yoo, my children, you hev dun nobly,” sez I. Presently a currier
arrived, bringin the disturbin intellygens that the Northren countis
giv Bruff 30 thowsen, and 2 minnits thereafter another arrivd statin
that the Suthrin countis had got loonatik and given Bruff 35 thowsend.
With a harterendin and sole tarin shreck, I fell a inannymait
corps on the flore. * * * * I awoke. A oder uv
suthin natrel filled the room, givin me life agin. It wuz whisky.
The worthy woman to whose house I borde, hed bin rubbin the soles
uv my feet with a jug, and givin me small dosis uv the Restorer thro
a funnel. Her exershens restord me to life agen. I presume the
fact uv my owin six months board did not nerve her frajile arm. It
wuz revrens.
Despondent and weery uv life, I attempted sooiside. I mixt my
licker fer a day; I red a entire number uv the Crisis; I peroozed
“Cotton is King,” “Pulpit Pollytiks,” and “Valandigum's Record,”
but all in vane. Ez a last desprit resorce, I attemptid to pizon myself
by drinkin water, but that faled me. My stumick rejected it—I
puked.
I am 2 much prosteratid to offer either advise or consolashen to
my Dimecratic frends. We air in a stait uv abgect cussitude. To
see Waid and Chaise, and Oen Luvgoy, and that 3 ply Abolishnist
Horis Greely, feelin good, is prusic asid and strick9 to us. I shell
seek releef from my sorrers in the floin bole.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
P. S.—The printer will put mournin lines abuv and below this letter.
-- 044 --
“CHANGES HIS BASE. ”
Church uv St. Vanlandigum, }
October 28, 1863.
[figure description] Page 044.[end figure description]
Paul the apossel, on his way frum Geroosalem 2 Damaskus, to persekoot
the Crischens, seed a dazzlin lite wich struck him blind. The
old Dimocrisy on the 13th uv October, on its way to Glory, to persekoot
the nigger, seed a lite wich nocked it crazy. Wen yu've suckd
a orange dry, natrelly yoo fling away the peel, and if the froot provd
sour and bitter instid uv sweet, yoo fling it a good dele further, bein
disgustid. Valandigum's marterdom wuz our orange—we suckt it
wiggerously; but alas! quinine is sweetnis compared to it; to wit: I
fling away the wuthless pele.
Myself and flock is now all war Dimecrats. We hev alluz bin.
We never agreed with the extreemists uv our party, and we remaned
in the organnyzation, only becoz, ez members thereof, we cood restrane
it frum doing mischif. We wer zelus in the support uv Valandigum,
and workt hard to elect him, only that, being his supporters, and
hevin electid him, we cood curb him.
Therefore, all our apparent opposishen to the war, wuz reely its
most effishent support. I hope the peeple will see it.
At a biznis meetin uv our church yisterdy afternoon, the follerin
resolooshen wuz past:
Wareas, Dimocrisy flurishes best wen it is successful; and ware
as, it is a tender flower that don't bare the chillin frosts uv adversity
much; and wareas, the peeple hev shode by the pekoolyer stile uv
ther votin that they don't like Valandigum ner his prinsipples; and
wareas, the peeple is moar use to us than Valandigum, therefore,
be it
Resolvd, That Valandigum never wuz a representativ uv Dimocratic
idee.
Resolvd, That we do not endors his vews, or approve his acts, and
nevur did.
Resolvd, That onist old A. Linkin, by arrestin uv him, and
-- 045 --
[figure description] Page 045.[end figure description]
thereby forsin uv us into committin polittikle sooiside by nominatin uv
him, wuz gilty uv a heenus sin.
Resolvd, That we aint ez much consernd about our habis corpusses
ez we wuz afore the elecshen.
Resolvd, That the war fer the Union must go on, until its enemis
is subjoogatid, and the banner uv buty and glory waves over every
stait, and the Dimocratic committis uv the varius staits be requestid
to procoor a suffishent number uv banners, and appint sub-committis
to wave em.
Resolvd, That we air in favor uv subjoogashen, emansipashen,
confiscashen, taxashen, conscripshen, exterminashen, nigger enlistments,
and ef ther is anythin else the peeple desire, let em write us
(post pade) and weel pass the nessary resolooshen.
These preamble and resolooshen, (wich, at my requwest, wuz past
unanimusly,) strikes me ez kivering the hull ground.
Waitin and watchin,
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT.
Church uv St.—, Nov. 1, '63.
I felt it my dooty to visit Washinton. The misarable condishon
the Dimocrisy find themselvs into sinse the elecshen, makes it nessary
that suthin be did, and therefore I determind to see wat cood be
effectid by a persnel intervew with the Presdent.
Interdoosin myself, I opened upon him delikitly, thus:
“Linkin,” sez I, “ez a Dimocrat, a free-born Dimocrat, who is prepard
to die with neetnis and dispatch, and on short notis, fer the inalienable
rite uv free speech—knoin also that you er a goriller, a
feendish ape, a thirster after blud, I speek.”
“Speek on,” sez he.
“I am a Ohio Dimocrat,” sez I, “who hez repoodiatid Valandigum.”
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[figure description] Page 046.[end figure description]
“Before or sinse the elecshin, did yoo repoodiate him?” sez he.
“Sinse,” retortid I.
“I thot so,” sed he. “I would hev dun it too, hed I bin you,”
continnered he with a goriller like grin.
“We air now in favor uv a wiggerus prosecushen uv the war, and
we want you to so alter yoor polisy that we kin act with yoo, corjelly,”
sez I.
“Say on,” sez he.
“I will. We don't want yoo to change yoor polisy, materially.
We air modrit. Anxshus to support yoo we ask yoo to adopt the follerin
trifling changis:
Restoar to us our habis corpusses, as good ez new.
Arrest no moar men, wimmin and children, fer opinyun's saik.
Repele the ojus confisticashen bill, wich irrytaits the Suthern mind
and fires the Suthern hart.
Do away with drafts and conskripshens.
Revoak the Emansipashen proclamashen, and give bonds that you'll
never ishoo a nother.
Do away with tresury noats and sich, and pay nuthin but gold.
Protect our dawters frum nigger eqwality.
Disarm yoor nigger soljers, and send back the niggers to ther owners
to conciliate them.
Offer to assoom the war indetednis uv the South, and plej the Guverment
to remoonerate our Suthrin brethren fer the looses they hev
sustaned in this onnatral war.
Call a convenshen uv Suthern men and sech gileless Northern men
ez F. Peerce, J. Bookannun, Fernandough Wood and myself, to agree
upon the terms uv re-union.
“Is that all,” sez the goriller.
“No,” sez I promptly. “Ez a garantee uv good faith to us, we
shel insist that the best haff uv the orifises be given to Dimocrats
who repoodiate Valandigum. Do this, Linkin, and yoo throw lard
ile on the trubbled waters. Do this and yoo rally to yoor support
thowsends uv noble Dimocrats, who went out uv offis with Bookannon,
and hev bin gittin ther whisky on tick ever sinse. We hev
-- 047 --
[figure description] Page 047.[end figure description]
maid sakrifises. We hev repoodiatid Valandigum—we care not ef
he rots in Canady—we are willin to jine the war party reservin to
ourselvs the poor privilidg uv dictatin how and on wat prinsipples it
shel be carried on. Linkin! Goriller! Ape! I hev dun.”
The President replide that he wood give the matter serious considerashen.
He wood menshen the idee uv resinin to Seward, Chais and
Blair, and wood addres a serculer to the Postmasters et settry, an
and see how menny uv em wood be willin to resine to acommodai
Dimocrats. He hed no dout sevral wood do it to-wunst. “Is ther
any littel thing I kin do fer you?”
“Nothin pertikler. I wood accept a small Post orifis, if sitooatid
within ezy range uv a distilry, My politikle daze is well nigh over.
Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the assendency—let these
old eyes onct moar behold the Constooshn ez it is, the Union ez it
wuz, and the Nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I will rap the mantel
uv privit life arownd me, and go in2 delirum tremens happy. I hev
no ambishen. I am in the sear and yaller leef. These whitnin lox,
them sunken cheak, warn me that age and whisky hev dun ther perfeek
work, and that I shell soon go hents. Linkin, scorn not my
wurds. I hev sed. Adoo.
So sayin I wavd my hand impressively and walkd away.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
PREACHES.
Church uv St.—, Nov. 9, '63.
I preeched yisterdy, frum the folleain text: “What shell we do to
be saivd?”
This, my brethrin, is a important enquiry. Speakin ez a Dimocrat
who fer thirty yeres hez never scratched a tikkit—vewin things frum
a Dimocratic stand-pint, I hev no hesitashen in sayin that we need
savin in a eminent degree. The dark waives of fanattysism wich wuz
mear rippels in 1856, were mountin high in '60, and now they roll,
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[figure description] Page 048.[end figure description]
uncheckd, frum Calyforny 2 Mane. One island is yet unsquelched.
Noo Jersey yet is troo to Dimocrisy—a oasis amid the steril desert, a
green spot by the wayside, a beekon lite to the ship-reckd maryner,
a whisky-jug in Mane—thank hevin fer Noo Jersey—halleloogy! I
am prowd 2 say that I, yoor paster, wuz born in Noo Jersey—that
my father sawd wood fer the Presydent uv the Camden and Amboy,
and my mother wuz his watherwoman. Umble wuz our lot, but wat
sez the good book—“It is better to be a dorekeeper at the house uv
Dimocrasy, than a postmaster in the tents uv Abolishnism. But 2
resoom:
Wat shel we do to be saivd? This inquiry is uv pekoolyer intrest
jest now. Let we ask why do we need savin? Dimocrisy is the pure
refind salt uv the goverment—to speek uv salt savin is a abserdity.
Ah! my frends, wile Dimocrisy savd the Guverment, the Guverment
savd Dimocrisy. It wuz a strikin illustrashen uv the eternel fitnes
uv things. So long ez my venrable frend hed a Post Orifis he wood
be wus nor a loonatik ef he did not sustane the Guverment that giv
him the Post Orifis. Evrything went on, so long ez we hed the Post
Orifises. Wat we want jest now is votes—and how to get em is the
question. Whisky used to do it! but alas! the amount uv whisky
nessary to convert a Abolishnist to Dimocrisy, wood kill him afore
be cood vote—they not being seasond vessels.
We lost controle, my brethren, by bein stubbern. O! let us dodge
toat fatal errer. The last elecshen shode that we cood not lede the
people—let the peeple lede us. Ef the peeple want war, let us be
war men; ef they want peece, let us sing hosanners to peece! Ef
they want war in Ohio, let Ohio Dimicrats be war, and if Noo York
wants peece, let em be peece men. Our platform is broad enuff to
acommodait all, and on the mane question, which is Post Orifis, we
kin all agree, halleloogy!
Hevin settled the matter uv faith, we will considder that uv work,
fer faith without works is uv no moar use than a whisky punch without
the whisky. Ther must be no draft—the men must be razed by
volunteerin. Exstrordinory indoosements must be held out fer Abolishnists
to enlist—fer evry wun who goes stands a lively chance uv
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[figure description] Page 049.[end figure description]
trubblin us no moar. We must hev our voters back frum Canady.
My frends ther were enuff good Dimocrats in Canady to hev savd Ohio
and Noo York. They must be hum, to wunst. We need em.
We hev not suffishently improvd the nigger—we neglectid him.
Ther is 2 sides to the war question, but on nigger we air invulnerable.
Why yu ask! Becoz he has no frends. The Abolishnists air
afeerd to defend him, and by taking uv him to them we hev wun
menny a fite. O bless the Lord fer the nigger, he is our tower uv
strength.
My brethrin, he hev a big job afore us. Let us dally no longer.
Think uv the consekences uv another defeet. Sech uv our Dimocratic
leeders ez did not git commishns in the army air in a bad shaip.
They can't git whisky on tick, furever. Sum uv em hev got so low
ez to be obliged to drink dilootid camfene, wich hez a bad effeck upon
the stumick. I tride it wunst. They must be releevd. They
must hev their posishens and ther regler salaries, fer without em ther
stumicks is gone. Brethren, to the breech, to-wunst.
My church deppytised me to assertane the wherabouts uv sum
Dimocrat who hezn't exprest a opinyun sinse the war commenst, and
tender him the nominashen fer the Presidensy.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
SUBMITS A PLAN FOR THE SALVATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
Church uv St.—, Dec. 2, '63.
I am not apt 2 change. Ez the Samist sez, “wunst I wuz yung,
but now I am old,” but yung er old, it has alluz bin the saim with
me. Whisky strate hez bin my bevridge, and Dimocrisy my tikkit,
wun and inseprable, and I hev stuck to em with a fidelity exaled by
few and serpast by nun. But the time hez cum fer a raddykel change,
in order to saiv the good old party I hev ornamented so long. My
reezens are these:
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[figure description] Page 050.[end figure description]
The rebelyun is played out. Our Suthern brethrin is gone in. To
use figgerative langidge wich will be understood in the circles in wich
I am akustomed 2 move, Linkin has maid 4 alreddy, and holds high,
low and jack. So long ez ther wuz any chanse fer the 15 Dimocratic
staits to succeed it was natrel fer us to help em, fer then we cood ezy
jine with em agin, but ez they are past prayin fer, wat is wisdom fer
us? Clerely to help wipe em out. Why? In my skriptooral reedin
I wunst found a histry uv a steward who wuz about losin his plais.
Like Hamlick he soliloquizd, “Wat kin I do? I can't work, I don't
fancy beggin, and hevn't got the green-bax to start a grosery.” (Groseries
wuz cash in Judee.) A lucky thot emergd frum his Websterian
intelleck. “I hev it,” sez he to hisself. “I am yet steward. I
will giv receets in full to them ez owes my boss, and wen my day uv
trubble cums. I'll board with em.”
The pint is plane. Wile in the serviss uv our Suthrin masters we
wuz rayther hard on our Afrikin brethrin. We did bete em and
choak em, and did despitefully use em. We can't count on the Sutherners
no moar—let us elevait the nigger to the plais his master
okepide in the party. Like the steward aforesed, let us do good to
them we was wunst tuff on, that we may hev frends wen we need em.
Let that hory old dotard Tawny be assassynated, and sum wun appinted
in his plais, that will reverse his decision that they hedent
eny rites that wite men was bound respeck—let Samcox and Fernandy
Wood interdoose bills abollyshin slaivry in the staits, and givin evry
Afrikan brother a quarter seeshun uv land, a 2 hoss teem, a red bunnit
with artefishel flowers onto it—maik em sittyzens, and then—
We'd get evry wun uv em. This wood give us the fifteen Suthrin
staits as in the happy daze of yoar, and the 500,000 uv our cullerd
brethrin, now in Kanady, cood be brot back to the land uv their nativity,
and distribbited thro Ohio and Noo York, so ez to redeem
them staits frum the rule uv misgided Abolish—I meantersay, Republikins.
This plan is feezible, and pekoolierly adapted to the Dimecratic
mind, wich is flexyble, very. Let it be adoptid and wunst moar
will the good ole party repose under the shadder uv the Trezury bildins,
wunst agin will the chozn few dror regler salaris, and the Nashen
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[figure description] Page 051.[end figure description]
flurish under the blessins we lost wen Bookannon, the gileless, retird
to privit life.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, }
(Lait St. Valandigum,) Dec. 11, '63.
Yisterdy I heerd a Abolishnist remark, “The world moves.” The
observashen (wich I hev heerd frequently uv lait) set me into a trane
uv refleckshen. My comperhensive mind sprang back into the misty
daze uv the past, and I wuz a boy agin. Twenty-six yeres ago I
wuz a splittin my symetrikle throte a hollerin fer Van Booren. Them
wuz the pammy daze uv Dimocrisy. Androo Jaxon hed left us his
naim ez cappytal fer us to do biznis on, wile he wuz out uv the way,
and coodent interfere with our steelin, wich wuz comfortable. We
wus beetn, but wuz still strong and viggerous, knowin that we cood
manaje to live doorin Harryson's rane on wat we hed stole doorin Van
Booren's, the fasilites havin bin unlimitid. O them times! Ther
wuz Cass and Davis, and Dickison, and Calhoon, and Tooms, and Bill
Allen, and Duglis, (who wuz jest comin in,) and Ritchy, and Benton,
and Isaer Rynders, and Wise, and Yankee Sullivan, a gelloreous galexy
uv intellectooal and muskeler Dimocrisy, sech ez the world never
seed afore and never will agin. Wuz Abolishnism tolratid in them
happy daze! Not enny. O with what arder Oin Luvjoy wuz shot
at Alton—how wiggerusly the Dimocrisy laberd to throw his press
in2 the turbid waters uv the Missisipi. Wood, o wood that we cood
hev sunk his doctrins with his press. Did we allow Abolishn talk?
Nary. These stalwart arm hev hurled baskit-fuls uv unsavry eggs
at the pedlers uv polittikle heresy, and my skill in eggin Abolishn
lecterers wunst maid we Justis uv the peese in my nativ township.
In the South every hillside wuz dottid with the carcasses uv Noo
Ingland skootmarms, who hevin bin suspected uv teechin niggers to
-- 052 --
[figure description] Page 052.[end figure description]
rede, wuz justly hung, and the plesent crack uv the whip wuz heerd
all over the land. Oh them Arcadian dase, wen it only took 20 minits
to arrest, try, sentence, hang and divide the close uv a Yankee
skoolteecher!
But alas! heresees crep in2 our ranks, and ther wuz confooshun.
Van Booren bolted and bete Cass, and notwithstandin he repentid,
afterward, the Abolishon pizon he interdoost in2 the Dimocratic body
pollytik, remaned. It broke out in ugly sores in Ohio, in 1848, in
the shaip uv the feendish Free sile party. Then Chaise and Brinkerhoof
sluffed orf, and jind with our ainshent enemis. Jest afterward
the Anti-Nebrasky excitement, cuppled with No-Nothinism,
whaled us, and it wuz only by sooperhooman eggsershens that we
electid Bookannon. Sense it hez bin nothin but disaster. Bookannon
and Duglis got by the eers, Duglis refoosed to cave to his suthrin
brethrin, Linkin wuz electid, war ensood, and now wat do these old
ize behold? Cass, and Ben Butler, and Logan, and Dix, and Dickison,
and Dave Tod, strikin hands with Josh Giddins, and Horris
Greely! It is a singeler fact, that every leader we used to trust is
now agin us. And wuss. Abolishn papers is bein publisht in South
Karliny, in Tennisee, Kentucky and Loozeaner, and a millyun uv
men, led by the ghosts and ghostesses uv them hung skoolmasters and
skoolmarms aforesaid, assisted by John Brown's soul, wich is littrally
a marchin on, is enforcin a proclamashen freein all the niggers at wun
stroak, and the Dimocrisy bein sum hundreds uv thowsends in the
minority, is powerless to prevent it.
Trooly, the world moves. It hez moved the Dimocrisy from the
Pedestal uv Power it wunst okepide, and laid it prostrait. It hez
elevatid men we despised, and adoptid idees we scoft at. Yunger
men may shift and git in2 the tide agin, but ez fer me I cant. I shel
maik wun moar effort, and if we fail—why then I shel withdraw from
public life, and start a grosery, and in that umble callin will flote
peecefully down the streem uv time, until my wether beten bark
strikes on the rox of deth, gittin my likker in the menetime, (uv
wich I consume menny,) at wholesail prices.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 053 --
COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, }
(Lait St. Valandigum, Dec. 19, '63.
[figure description] Page 053.[end figure description]
I hev bin for menny yeres disposed to bleeve in speritooalism.
Ther is suthin plesent in the idee uv bein in communicashen with
them ez hev gone before, as it may be reznable supozed that frum
their stan-pint they kin see things in a more clearer lite than we who
is encumbered with clay. Akordingly I invited a distingisht mejum
to visit my flock. * * * * * * *
A circle wuz formd, and I wuz requestid to call fer the sperit uv
sum wun. Hevin a few Abolishnists present, whom I wisht to enliten
on politikle topix, I cald for Tomus Jefferson. “Tomus,” sez I,
“wuz yoo the father uv Dimocrasy?”
(I use my own langige, ez them old fellers wuz not alluz elegant.)
“I wuz.”
“Tomus, are the party now barin the name yoor child?”
“Not any. Its a mizable bastard, born uv John C. Calhoon, and
that old hag, Stait Rites, and a low-lived whelp it is. My heirs is
them ez supports the Guverment I help to maik.”
“But, Tomus, wood yoo hev us support a Abolishn war fer the
perpus uv freein niggers?”
The sperit rapt out with awful distinknis, “We hold these trooths
to be self-evident that awl men is creatid ekal, and endoud with certing
inaleyenable rites, among wich is life, liberty—”
At this pint I stopt the mejum. I knew the sperit wuz not Tomus
Jefferson, but a imposter, hevin heerd a Abolishn preecher use the
same langige at a 4th uv Guly selebrashen. I then cald Androo Jaxon,
hoo respondid.
“Androo,” sez I, “woodent yoo like to be back on yearth, jist
now?”
“Yoo kin bet I wood,” retortid he. “I'd like to hev bin President
in the plais uv that old, white-liverd, black-cockade Fedralist,
Bookannon. Wat a hangin ther wood hev bin! Ther wood hev bin
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[figure description] Page 054.[end figure description]
vacansis in Congris, and jest ez menny funerals ez ther wuz vacansis.
As fer Sowth Carliny,”—
The communycashen ceesd, and I heerd a sound like the grittin uv
teeth. It resoomed. “I'd string up Valandigum, and Fernandy
Wood, and Sam Medary, et settry. It wood be a bad old joke on
them indivijjles ef I hed controle of the habis corpus, I'd—”
I refoozed to here ferther. This sperit wuz also ondoutdly a imposter.
I cald fer Benton, who merely sed that Mizsory wuz comin to her
sensis in gittin rid uv slaivry, and fer Duglis who remarkt that he
cood say uv the temple of Dimocrisy ez the Savior sed of the sinagog,
“My howse is cald a howse of prayr, but ye hev maid it a den
of theeves,” both of whom wuz onquestionably imposters. Another
sperit (probably of a deceest abolishnist,) sed that Benedict Arnold
and Judis Iscariot hadent bin on speekin terms fer sum time, Iscariot
hevin called Arnold a copperhed. Arnold sed he'd never stand that.
Duglis cum back, and sed he had jest wun word 2 say. The Dimocratic
party wuz wunst grate, but it hed got in2 bad hands and gon
crazy as a drunken bed-bug. It needid new manajers—men uv suffishent
sence and honisty to run the party on old prinsipples. In the
old hands it wuz a pattryotic party—a party that wuz alluz for the
country. It whaled the British in 1812, and afterwards nockt the
hind sites off uv the old Fedral party fer opposin it. It smasht Mexico,
and afterwards smasht the Whig party fer not helpin. Now for
the Dimocrisy to oppose a war agin rebels who not only commenst it,
but hed actooally bustid the party itself, is loonacy unekaled in the
histry uv the world. Squelch them tuppenny pollytishns who hev
heeved the mantels wunst worn by Jaxon and Benton (they look in
em jest about as well as a orgin grinders munky wood in a soljer's
overkote, and fill em jest as much), get onto a war platform, and”—
I didn't care about persooin my investigashens enny ferther, pertikelerly
ez the Abolishnists were all a snickrin. Its my privit opinyun
that thers nothin relyable about it. Hed the sperits bin reely
them uv Jefferson, Jaxon, and sich, they woodent hev talkt so much
undilootid niggerism.
-- 055 --
[figure description] Page 055.[end figure description]
However, it did me very well. The mejum took up a colleckshun
uv six dolers, wich, by a singler coincidence, was the eggact amount
I hed intendid to charge him fer the use uv my church. He grumbeld,
but finelly sheld out. I am now warin a new pare uv pants.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church in charge.
TRIES AN EXPERIMENT.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, }
(Lait St. Valandigum.) Dec. 25, '63.
Mankind is the most perverse and onrezonable beins uv the human
family. Wile they assent 2 a principle, they never will put it into
practis ef it bares hard onto em ez indivijjles, to-wit:
I had bin for sevral weeks deliverin a coarse uv lekters on the divinity
uv slaivry. I argood that the institooshn wuz based upon
the infeeriority uv wun man 2 another—that it wuz not only a wise
but a bootiful pervision uv nacher that the strong shood hev charge
uv the week, a guidin, and protektin and a workin uv em. The idee
plezed my congregashen vastly, and fifteen or twenty uv the strongest
perposed that it shood be put into praktis, jest 2 show the world
that the grate doctrine cood be carried out jest as well in the North
as in the South. To wich I assented to-wunst, and at the next biznis
meetin, the follerin plan wuz adoptid: The members uv the congregashen
shood try ther strength, and them as cood lift 600 shood own
and possess, in fee simple, all them ez coodent.
The trial wuz hed, the divizshen maid, and I wuz happy at bein
the umble instrooment uv plantin the grate institooshen on Northrin
sile.
But alas, owin 2 the perversity uv the human mind, aforesaid, it
dident work. Old John Podhammer razed his 600 with the gratest
eeze, wile Bill Sniffles, who wuz a workin fer him fer 12 dolers a
munth coodent fetch it. Podhammer went over to Bill's cabin, the
next mornin, and sez he, “Wilyum, frum this time hentz4th, and
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[figure description] Page 056.[end figure description]
furever yoo air my man. As all a slaiv has is his masters, the 18
dolers I owe yoo, or that I did owe yoo afore this blessid system wuz
establisht, I shel kepe, and as yoo hev moar furnytoor than befits
yoor lowly condishen, I will send a teem over to-morrer, and taik
yer bewrow and stand, and bedstids up to my house, and—”
At this junctur in cums Mrs. Sniffles, who kin lift 600 with old
Podhammer on the top uv it, and it wuz no time afore she diskivered
wat his biznis wuz. She turned red in the fais. Sed she:
“Yoor goin to take my furnytoor?”
“Certingly.”
“And we air yoor slaivs?”
“Uv coarse.”
“And yoo kin sell my children?”
“Naterally.”
“And yoo kin maik me yoor conkebine?”
“Ef I wish?”
“Yoo old beest!” shreckt the infooriated femail chattel, forgettin
her normal condishn, “yoo sell my babies, yoo taik my furnytoor,
drat ye, I'll giv ye sum uv it now,” whereupon she hurled a chare,
wich laid him prostrait on the flore, wen she pickt him up and flung
him out the dore.
It did not end here: Podhammer hed in his hand a patch-work
coverlid, wich he thot he wood taik with him, and wen he cum to he
walked off with it, whereupon Mrs. Sniffles hed him took up on a
charge uv steelin, and he wuz actooaly tride, found gilty, and sent
to jail fer 30 daze. How kin we establish Dimocratic institooshens,
wen the corts won't recognize the laws of nacher. The experiment,
for the present, hez the apperentz of a failyer.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 057 --
ESTABLISHES AFRICAN SLAVERY.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, }
(Lait St. Valandigum,) Jan. 16, '64.
[figure description] Page 057.[end figure description]
Trouble air a cumin upon me thicker and faster. “Men change,
but principples, never,” hez bin a motto uv mine fer yeers, and bleevin
in the grate principple of the strong owning the week, or in uther
words, Slaivry, I shel never ceese my efforts to maik it universal.
Ther bein a onreesonable prejudis in the minds uv the week uv my
congregashen aginst bein the perpetooal servance uv them as nacher
hez maid to rool, I called a special meetin of my flock, to consider
the matter. I interdoost the matter thus:
By Hager I provd that slaivry was scriptooral.
By “cussid be Kanan,” et settry, I shode concloosively that the
nigger wuz the indentikle indivijjle who wuz to be the sed slaiv aforesed.
Then it wuz put to vote and it wuz unanimusly resolvd that Aferken
slaivry be interdoost amongst us. I notist with pleasure that the
poorer the indivijjle, the moar anxshus he seemd to own a nigger.
Opinyuns wer then interchanged. Absolum Kitt, who is a carpenter,
and who never saved a doler, hevin alluz hed a sick wife and a
large family of children, sed he felt that a grate work hed bin dun
that nite. The prowd Anglo-saxun whom nacher intendid to rool,
heb bin that nite elewatid 2 his normel speer. Hentz4th ther wuz no
moar labor fer him. He hed a contrak to bild a howse for brother
Podhammer, and he hed no doubt that the brethrin who wuz bles
with menes wood make up a puss, and enable him 2 buy a nigger carpenter
to do his work.
Brother Podhammer aroz. He, uv coarse, wood be glad to assist
brother Kitt, but dooty 2 his family reqwired a different line uv askshen.
His idee wuz to purchis a nigger carpenter hisself, and
“WHAT!” exclaimed Kitt.
Brother Podhammer resoomd. He intended to buy a nigger carpenter
hisself, and bild his house. The cheef buty uv the grate
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[figure description] Page 058.[end figure description]
system, and the wun that maiks it altogether luvly, is that yoo kin BUY
yoor labor.
“But,” sed Kitt, “what kin I do if yoo work nigger carpenters?”
“Trooly,” sez Podhammer, “I kno not. A carpenter kin be purchist
fer $1,000, the interest uv wich is $60, and his keepin say $100
more, per annum. Now ef brother Kitt 'll cum to them wagis, and
be modritly umble, I mite, fer his saik, forego the exquisit pleasure
uv hevin a nigger to flog, and still employ him.”
“But,” sez Kitt, turnin pail, “my family wood starve on them
wagis. Wy, I mite ez well be a nigger myself.”
At this pint I lifted up my voise. I exorted Bro. Kitt to patience.
The grate Dimocratic idee that cappytal shood own labor must be
establisht. It may bare hard upon indivijjles, but wat then? John
Rogers went camly to the stake fer principple. Ef Bro. Kitt doth
not like to accept his normel condishon to-wunst, he kin go to sum
less favored country, wher the grate instooshon is not establisht.
Bro. Podger, a blacksmith, sed he suppozd the rich uns wood buy
a nigger blacksmith, and let him emigrait.
Bro. Snipes, a plastrer, maid a simler obserwashen.
Bro. Punt, a bricklayer, remarkt likewise.
Whereupon, they all, in corus, similerly exclaimed they see us d—d
fust, and then they woodent.
Whereupon they reconsidered the resolushen establishin slaivry.
Kitt and his herritix wuz not at church last Sundy, and the Postmaster
told me that they hed sent orf a club fer the Noo York Triboon.
Trooly, a reformer's Jordon is a hard rode to travel I beleeve.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
PREACHES---SUBJECT, “THE PRODYGAL SUN. ”
Cburch uv the New Dispensashun, }
January 31, 1864.
My brethren and sisteren: I shall maik sum remarks this mornin
based upon the bootiful parable of the prodygal sun. I wood reed 2
-- 059 --
[figure description] Page 059.[end figure description]
yoo the passij, but the Bible I hev is the only wun in the township,
and I lent it yisterdy 2 Square Gavitt, who sed swarin witnesses on
almanacs woodent do in hoss cases, and he hasent brung it back. The
skripter sez, in substance:
Ther was a certin man who hed 2 suns. The yungist hed a taist
fer that branch uv agricultooral persoots known ez sowin wild oats,
so he askt the old man fer his sheer uv the estait. He got it, turnd
it into greenbax, and went off. He commenst livin high—bording at
big hotels, and keepin trottin hosses, and playin bilyards, and sich.
In about a year he run thro his pile, and wuz ded broak. Then his
credit playd out, and he wuz in a tite place for his daily bred. The
idee struck him that he hed better put for hum, wich he did. The
old man saw him a cumin, and he run out and met him, and giv him
a new cote, and a order for a pare uv shoes, and kild a fat caff, and
hed flour doins. The oldest boy obgected 2 these sayin, “Lo I hav
servd thee these menny yeres, and thou never madest no splurge over
me, but when this thy son, who hez fooled away his pile, returns you
kill calves and sich.” Then the old man retorts sayin, “My sun who
wuz lost is found, the sheep who went astray is cum back, let us be
merry.”
My brethren, this parable applize ez well to the present time ez
though it wuz maid fer it. Uncle Samyuel is the old man, the suthern
wing uv the Dimocratic party is the proddygal, and the Abolishnists
is the oldest sun. The south got tired and went off on its own
hook. It haz, I maik no doubt, spent the heft uv its substance, and
will shortly conclude to cum home. Now the grate question uv the
hour is how shel he be reseeved. My frends, the Dimocratic rool is
to foller the scripter wen yoo can maik a pint by so doin. In this
pertikeler case Godlinis is gane, halleloogy, therefour, let us be Godly.
Let Uncle Samyooel see the repentant proddygal afar orf—let him go
out to seek him, er send Fernandy Wood, and when he hez found
him let him fall, not upon his neck, but at his feet—let him put onto
him the perple robe wich is royalty, and upon his hand a ring, wich
is dominion, wich is a improvement upon scripter.
But the Abolishnist, who is the elder sun, steps up and sez, “Nary.
-- 060 --
[figure description] Page 060.[end figure description]
He wuz a doin well and he wented out frum us, takin awl that wuz
his own, and sech ez he cood steel, all uv wich he hez spent upon
such harlots as Afrikin slaivry, Stait rites, and Suthern independence,
wich last two menshund is whited sepulkers. I sent my sons Grant,
and Rosycrance, and Benbutler after him, but lo! wen he wuz strong
and wiggerrus he did despitefully use them. Now that he is week
from hunger, let him brindle. Ef we taik him to our buzems, let
him cum on his nees, let him cast off the harlots that hav sedoost
him, that ther may be no moar trubble in all the land.”
My brethren, we must taik him back ez the old man did in the
bible. Why, do you ask? Becoz he wuz alluz the old man's pet,
and had things his own way. We wuz his frends and shared with
him the steelins, but sence he went out the Abolishn brother and his
frends hev controld things and whare air we? Eko ansers no whair!
We okepy low plasis in the sinagog, and the doggery keepers go
mournin about the streets and refuse to be comforted becoz ther cash
is not plenty, and ef we taik back the proddygal shorn of his strength,
of what avail is he to us? He must cum back ez strong as ever, he
must bring his harlots with him—he must ROOL! Then shel we
hev the Post Orifises, and then shel we agin live on the fat uv the
land, dodgin the cuss uv labor. Brethrin, let us be dillygent in this
grate work, instant in seeson and out of seeson.
A collecshun wuz takin up fer the perpus uv sending a mishunary
2 Massychusits, wich yeelded 7 dolers. Ez the amount woodent pay
the ralerode fair, it wuz voted to apply it on repairs on the church,
wich I did by havin my boots haff-sold and buyin a new hankercher.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church in charge.
DREAMS.
Church uv the New Dispensashun, }
February 6, 1864.
I am no speshel bleever in dreems. The gulf atwixt the material
and immaterial worlds is 2 wide to be spand by the bridj uv sleep,
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[figure description] Page 061.[end figure description]
ur if spand at all, the way is 2 narrer to make safe even the passij uv
a nite-mare. [Poeticle idee.] Still, the sperit may, wen loost frum
its lode uv clay, sore off in2 the dim fucher, and retane a porshen uv
its impreshns wen it agen okepies its prison-howse.
Last Saterdy nite I hed a dreme. I hed bin a redin “Cotton is
King,” and sech works, aidin my understandin with frequent drafts
frum a bottel containin “nacher's last, best gift 2 man,” and I fell
in2 a gentel slumber. I dreemd that the Confederasy hed bin successful,
that it carried out its orijinel idee, and hed subjoogatid the
northern staits. Gefferson Davis wuz roolin at Washington under the
title uv “Gefferson I, Empror uv all the Amerikys.” The Senit and
Hows uv Repsentativs hed bin dun away with by decrees, and the
biznis uv governin wuz dun solely by the Emperor and his ministers.
All to wunst I wuz in Washinton, a rolein along in a gorjus carige.
I wuz sumwat surprizd at my persnel apperans. I wuz drest in flesh
culered tites, with sandels on my feet, with dimund buckels onto em,
and on my hed wuz a crown, makin me resemble a play acter I seed
wunst a playin Richerd. Suddenly the carige stopt, and I alitid, and
assended the steps uv the Palise. It wuz a resepshun, and a chamberlin
wuz announcin the gests ez they arriv. “Earl von Seymor!”
“Count de Sammedary!” “Markuis Fernandywood!” and ez I stept
forerd wat a gush uv exstasy thrild thro my vanes as the chamberlin
(who wuz little Samcox,) showtid, “DOOK DE NASBY!” O wat
a moment!
My dreems continnerd. Methawt the nobility wuz maid up uv the
offisers uv the Confedrit armies, and sech Northern men ez hed bin
troo to the Confedrisy. The Northern staits hed bin diwided into
dookdums, and erldums and sich—my territory extending forty miles
eech way frum Wingert's Corners, whair my dookal palise wuz sitooated.
Niggers wuz dun away with, ez all the whites excepting the
privligd classes wuz serfs, wich effectooally settled the question uv
Afrikin slaivry. The nobility ownd the land and the inhabitants wuz
all pesantry, payin to the lord uv the soil, 4-fifths uv the produx. I
wuz livin in stile. We hed subjoogatid the Abolishnists, and wuz
usin their leadin men ez our meenyels. O, it wuz magnificent and
-- 062 --
[figure description] Page 062.[end figure description]
gorjus. I arose evry mornin with Summer a holdin a bason, and Waid
a pourin uv perfoomd water over my hands, after wich Gim Ashly
dryd em with towels. They wuz my servance! Poetikle justise.
In short, Gefferson Davis, ez soon as he hed the power, hed declaird
the idee uv men governin themselves a failyoor, and hed revivd
the old foodel system. France and England hed assisted him in
establishn hisself, and hed jest got the thing into good runnin order.
One seen in my dreem filled me full uv joy. I thot I wuz in my
dukel robes in my ancestrel halls, overlookin my stewart, (editer Raymond,
uv Noo York Times,) a reseevin triboot frum the happy pesantry,
wen I notist among em sum who hed refoosed me credit in the
days uv the Republic. Rage filld my sole. “Away with the hory
miscreance,” showtid I to my armd serviters, “away with em 2 the
deepest dunjun neeth the castel mote! ha! ha!” Just then I awoke
It wuz but a dreem, but it left an impreshen on my mind. “If we
succeed in smashin Lincoln and his guverment,” thawt I, “a monerkey
must ensoo, and, who nose, I may yet be Dook de Nasby!” Filled
with new zele I resoomd laber on my sermon for the morrer, on
the unconstooshnality uv the puttin down rebelyuns with muskets,
with renood wigger.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
HIS LETTER ON FREMONT'S NOMINATION.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
June 2, 1864.
Halleloogy!
Now is the winter uv our diskontent, maid gellorious summer. The
clowds that oercast the perlitticle horyzon is broak, and rays frum
the sun uv success hev peerced em, gildin the nosis uv the fatheful
with a rayjence that whisky can not give.
Honey hez cum out uv a karkis—good hez perceeded frum Nazzyreth.
The Raddykels hev nominated Fremont! Halleloogy! They
did it at Cleveland.
-- 063 --
[figure description] Page 063.[end figure description]
I never votid fer Fremont. In '56 I did't like—in fact I aboosed
him. I laft at him fer partin his hare in the middle, I accoosed him
uv being a Cathlic, and uv steelin cattle frum the Guverment. Wen
Linkin appinted him General, I aboosed him agin, and more than ever
wen he ishood his Emansipashen Proclimashen.
But now I diskiver that I hev did him a grevous wrong. The most
bekomin way a man kin part his hare is in the middle, the steelin uv
cattle frum Guverment is a act that no man who supported Bookannon
can condem, and his Abolishnism—why hez to be pitied fer
that.
Uv coarse no Dimocrat can vote for him, for ther is a triflin diffrence
in our prinsipples, yet about a haff uv the Abolishn party
ought to do it by all menes. John C. is the man fer them ondoubtedly.
But wether he gits menny votes er few, his bein nominated is salvashen
to us. Every vote he gits, Linkin won't git, and then what—
The bair thot almost overpowers me. We kin elect a Dimocrat!
This movement put a new face upon affairs. We needn't be pertikelerly
anxshus enny moar fer Lee's success—in fact, I bleeve it
wood be better fer us 2 hev Grant whip Lee and taik Richmond.
Fer why? Becoz. Spozn about the time the Confederasy is playd
out we elect a Dimocrat, and spozn that Dimocrat lets up on em, restoars
ther niggers, pardones em, pays ther debts, compensaits them ez hez sustaned losses in the war, and penshens ther widders, woodent
they let us hev the heft uv the orfisis a while. Uv coarse they
wood.
I segest that the Committis who air takin up collecshuns fer Vallandygum,
send the munny forthwith to Fremont's Execootiv Committy.
I shel taik up a collecshun in my congregashen immediately
fer that purpus.
Re-inwiggoratid,
Petroleum V. Nasby.
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 064 --
SONNIT ONTO A SOLJER---FRUM A DIMMEKRATIC STAN-PINT.
[figure description] Page 064.[end figure description]
BY PETROLEOUM V. NASBY.
Bloo-koted monster! — thow goist 4th,
Armd with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet,
Whose peeked end with Suthrin blub is wet,
I hait thee! tool and minyun uv the North!
Put on a Dimocrat them kote and pants,
Put in his hand a gun with peeked eend,
Then toot a fife and he's a Linkin feend,
Who thirsts fer blud uv Dimecratic saints.
Monster unnachrel, by Niggerism hatched,
Thowsends and moar uv Dimocrats yoo've slane,
Whoo'l never rally 2 the poles again,
To vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched.
Avant! yoor work our party is undoin,
To us yoor kote uv bloo menes jest bloo rooin.
THAT'S AWL.
Back matter
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[figure description] Free Endpaper.[end figure description]
Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1864], The nasby papers: letters and sermons containing the views on the topics of the day of Petroleum V. Nasby. (C.O. Perrine & Co., Indianapolis, Ind.) [word count] [eaf634T].
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