p633-126 XIV.

The Connecticut Election. — The Effect it produced
at the Corners, and likewise at Washington. —
A Proposition to remove the College rejected.

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THE news uv the election in Connecticut created
the most profound sensashen at the Corners.
It cum to us so onexpected, so like a clap uv thunder
from a clear sky, or ruther so like a gleam uv
sunlite thro a mass uv overpowrin black clouds, so
like the first streak uv sunlite in the mornin after
a long nite uv cholera morbus with no brandy in the
house, that we wuz overpowered with it. The Corners
hevn't experienct sich a satisfactory spasm uv
joy sence the receet uv the news uv the Fort Piller
affair. It perdoost a very singler effect on Deekin
Pogram. When I cum up to him with the news,
he wuz engaged with all the elokence he possest
a trying to convince a nigger, wich formerly belonged
to him, that, after all, the Southerners

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themselves wuz the only ones wich the niggers cood
trust; and that when the time cum for em to exercise
the 'lective franchise, ef they hed any regard for
their own interests they wood turn their backs on
the Ablishinists, who wuz, to a man, hory headed
deceevers, and trust them and them only who
knowd em.

“Samyooel,” sed the Deekin, in a affecshunit
tone, with one hand on the nigger's shoulder, “why
shoodent we love yoo? Yoo are bone uv our bone,
and flesh uv our flesh — we are uv one blood — ”
(this remark the Deekin got into a habit some years
ago uv gittin off when speekin uv the Dimocrisy
North, and alluz uses it. It is ruther effective, tho
in this instance, ef I hed bin in his place, I shoodent
hev slung it out, owin to the pecooliar construckshen
wich mite be put onto it) — “and our
interests is one, Samyooel.”

“Deekin,” sez I, interruptin him. “Deekin!
Connecticut hez spoken in thunder tones, and hez
gone Dimocratic!” —

“Wat!” sez he, “Dimocratic!”

“Verily,” sez I. “A Governer, and three Congressmen
out of four.”

Ther wuz a sudden rupcher uv the friendly relashens
existin between the Deekin and Samyooel the

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dark complexioned. If he wuz uv the Deekin's
flesh, the Deekin wuz in favor of mortifyin it; for
never wuz flesh so belabored ez wuz that unfortunit
chattel's. The flesh wuz imejitly lasserated. He
pitched into him feroshus; and after pummelin the
astonished Aferkin, who didn't see why the result
of a eleckshun shood work sich a change, till he wuz
out uv breath, he condenst wat strength wuz remainin
into one vigrous kick, exclaimin —

“Take that, yoo black swindler. I've talked
sweet to yoo under false pretenses. I've bin betrayed
into wastin soft sawder onto a nigger — into
coaxin wher I hev a ondeniable rite to command —
into —”

“Wat does all dis mean?” sed the nigger,
faintly.

“Mean!” sed I to him; “my frend, this is the
reaction we've heard so much about — it 's arriv.
It means that there is a exceedinly good chance uv
yoor bein redoost agin to yoor normal speer; uv
yoor comin down from the high hoss yoove bin a
ridin, and uv bein agin a servant unto yoor brethren.
It means that Connecticut hez spoken, and that yoor
a good deal more valyooable to us now than yoo
wuz a hour ago. Go, my friend, and buy salve for
yoor brooses; for unless yoor heeld yoor valyoo will

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be less in the markit. Yoo'd be ashamed to sell for
a low price — woodent yoo?”

I left the Dimocrisy jubilatin and come on to
Washinton, feelin that I must go where I cood
find kindred soles. The nite I arrived there wuz
high carnival at the White House. The President
wuz in tall feather. Ther wuz Connecticut visible
all over him. He hed a wooden nutmeg for a buzzum
pin — a minatoor bass-wood ham hung from
his watch fob, and in honor uv the occashun they
wuz drinkin punches made of Noo England rum,
with small slices uv Wetherfield onyuns in em
insted uv lemons. Randall sprung toward me ez
I entered the room, and clasped me by one hand,
the President by tother, and we then — not altogether
onlike the three graces — embraced. They
hed the advantage uv me, ez they hed one odor —
the onion — wich I hedent, but I stood it. Why
not, when that odor wuz from the breaths of those
hevin the apintin power? I wood hev stood it hed
they bin eatin assafœtida.

At this juncter Sekretary Welles come in.

“Ha!” said he, “why this unwonted hilarity!
why this joy wher greef generally holds her court!”

“The Conneticut elecshun,” said Seward.

“O, to be sure,” sed the venerable old man,

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vacantly; “I remember. Hawley, wuz it, or some
other man who wuz elected over — over — wat
wuz his name? — our candidate?”

“That wuz last yeer!” sed Seward, angrily.

“Well, perhaps it wuz. When did that State
vote agin?” asked he, innocently, to wich no anser
wuz given. But very little attention is paid to Sekretary
Welles by any one 'ceptin Seward, and the
fact that he occasionally undertakes to keep him
postid in current events is ginerally taken ez evidence
that he's breakin up. Poor William, it's evident
that he's passin into his dotage.

Ther wuz a pleasant gatherin. Cowan wuz ther,
and Saulsbury, and Garret Davis, and Doolittle, and
Seymour, and Brooks, and more congratulatory letters
wuz read than wood fill a page of the Noo
York Herald. John C. Breckinridge hoped this
auspicious event wuz the beginnin uv good feelin,
presagin, ez he trusted it did, the evenchooel triumph
uv them wich he hed alluz bin proud to call his
friends. Mayor Monroe, uv Noo Orleens, hoped
that, after this evidence uv returnin reason, President
Johnson wood not hesitate to remove that
second Butler, Gen. Sheridan, who wuz ojius to
every friend the President had in the city uv wich
he wuz lately Mayor. Gen. Wise sent his

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congratulashens; but ez they okkepied thirty-eight pages
uv legal cap paper, closely written, they wuzn't
read. Mosby sent a allegoricle pipe made uv a
corn cob, onto wich wuz carved a symbolicle nigger,
with the American eagle, a clawin vishusly into his
wool, with his congratulations; and Fernando Wood,
and Jesse D. Brite, and Dan Voorhees, sent theirn,
and Vallandigham wanted to know now whether
or not the President wuz a goin to accept the situashen,
and take the Dimocratic party to his buzzum?
Ef so, he hed a list of apintments for Southern
Ohio, wich he wished made. At this pint the question
arose whether or not I hed not better move
n.y Classicle and Military Institoot to Connecticut?
I am a practicle man, and I to-wunst asked, ez pertinent
to the question, whether or not ther wuz a
distillery in Connecticut; and sekond, whether or
not ther wuz a vacant post offis within four miles
uv it.

Sekretary Randall replied. He woodent hold
out indoosements that he coodent fulfill. He wuz
honest. Honesty wuz his best holt — simple, childlike
strate-forwardniss in his deelins in politix wuz
his cheef failin, and had well nigh been his rooin.
The first query was easy to anser — the eleckshun
returns wood indicate to any man uv ordinary

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intellek that ther wuz distilleries either in Connecticut
or very handy to the State; but ther wuz no Post
Offisis to spare. To carry the State every wun of
em had bin solemnly promised.

The President remarkt that he reely shoodent
think that triflin circumstance wood interfere with
givin uv em to other men.

At this pint I broke in. I told em firmly that
onless I cood hev a better post offis than the wun
I hed, I woodent go. I cood go and cood move
wat there is of the College bildins. It woodent cost
much to pay freight on that corner-stun. I spose a
better one cood be got in Connecticut at less than
the cost uv transportin it, but wherever that Dimocratic
College is built that must be the corner-stun
uv it. That stun is hallowed. Ther are tender
assosiashens hangin round it. It wuz the corner-stone
uv a nigger school-house wich we burnt to the
ground the nite we heard uv the veto uv the Civil
Rites Bill. But I won't go to Connecticut onless
my subsistence is asshoored. Ther is more money
ther than in Kentucky; but I doubt whether they
wood support me ez well. I speek frankly. I kin
understand why a man kin be a Dimocrat in Kentucky—
he's interested in niggers. I kin appreciate
the Dimocrisy uv Suthern Injeany, Illinois,

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and Ohio, coz they come from that region, and the
sekond generashun ain't got to be voters. I kin
understand the Dimocrisy in Heenan's and Fernando
Wood's deestricks, but pardon me — I want
to keep very clear uv Connecticut Democrats. A
people anywhere in Noo England wich kin deliberitly
ally theirselves to us is just the kind uv people
I don't want to be among. I instinctively mistrust
a Yankee who hez dickered away his intrest in
Bunker Hill. I hev notist that a Noo Englander
wich come South and married an old maid, or a
widder with a plantation, wuz never to be trustid;
and it's my experience that a demoralized Yankee—
one who hez shed his early trainin, and took up
anybody else's moral close — is about the meanest
specimen uv a white man on the face uv the green
earth. He hez the acootnis wich is born uv a barren
soil, without the Puritanism to keep it within
bounds; he possesses the ability to make a livin
on his native rox, but his laziness impels him to a
easier subsistence in milder climes; and instid uv
fishin for mackrel he goes South and fishes for men.
A Noo Englander, unrestrained by grace, is pizen,
and I bleeve Connecticut is full uv em. I hev
heerd Massachoosits religion aboozed, but its suthin
we may well be thankful for. I hev alluz bin

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thankful that the Mayflower brot over religion ez well ez
brains and will.

Among the Connecticut Democrisy I shood stand
no show; and, beside, I hev too much self-respeck
to soshiate with em on terms uv equality. Instid
uv foragin on them, they'd manage to live on me.
I hev lambs to shear in Kentucky, and I don't care
about changin em. I don't want to throw any cold
water onto this festive occasion, it being a element
we all despise; but, hev we any asshoorence uv her
continyooin troo? Ef I understand it, we won by
means uv patronage, and running a War Democrat—
a bein I, in common with all the troo Democricy,
despise. We can't do it agin. The next
blast that sweeps from the North will bring to our
ears a story uv another kind. One swaller don't
make a spring. I hev knowd uv calves being born
with two heads. This election, I fear me, is one
uv these monstrosities wich Nacher sometimes perdooses
to show what she is capable uv. It ain't
normal. I hev no objeckshun to yoor feelin good
over it — it rejoict me, coz it'll give our friends
South courage, and may skeer the Radicals into
givin us better terms, but —

My remarks wuz interrupted by Saulsbury, who
hed bin sureptitiously drinkin punch with the ladle,

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and the odor uv the onions overcomin him he rolled
under the table, and very shortly thereafter the
meetin broke up. I leave for home to-morrer, or
ez soon ez I kin draw my mileage.

p633-138 XV.

The Russian Purchase. — How it was done. —
Mr. Nasby really the Originator of the Speculation.

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IT'S done! Seward did it — him and me!
The American Eagle hez coz now to screem
with redoubled energy. Ef the Nashnel bird wuz
a angel, I shood remark to it, “Toon yoor harp
anoo;” but it ain't, and therefore sich a rekest wood
be ridiculous. This rapsody hez refrence to the
Rooshen purchis.

The idea originatid in these massive intelleck.
When I wuz here afore, the Blairs, all uv em, wuz
a crowdin the sainted Johnson for a mishun. Cowan
wantid a mishun, and so did Doolittle; and that day
pretty much all uv the delegates to the Cleveland and
Philadelphy Convenshens had bin there, wantin some
kind uv a place; wat, they wuzn't pertikeler. One

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gentleman, whose nose (wich trooly blossomed ez
the lobster) betokened long service in the party,
urged that he hed bin a delegate to both Convenshens.
“Thank God!” sed Johnson. “Wood that
both them Convenshens hed bin made up uv the
same men. I wood then hev bin bored for places
only half ez much ez I am.”

I wuz a helpin him out in my weak way. When
the crowd wantin places become too great for human
endoorance, I wood say, in a modrit tone, “Let's go
out and git suthin;” and to-wunst fully half wood
exclaim, “Thank yoo, I don't keer ef I do!” It
wuz a great relief to Johnson, but wuz pizen on
me. With the most uv em, the anguish, anxiety,
and solissitood in the gittin uv offises and free
drinks wuz about an ekal thing. The offisis they
wantid wuz merely the means to that pertikeler
end; and so long ez they wuz gittin the latter without
the trouble uv the former, they wuz content.
A good constooshen and a copper-lined stumick
carried me thro this tryin ordeel, until I came across
a Boston applicant, who, in consekence uv the perhibitory
law, hed bin for some time on short rashens,
and wuz keen set. Napoleon hed then met his Wellington,
and I succumd. The man's talent wuz
wonderful.

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Sekretary Seward wuz in trouble about the Blair
family pertikerly. He hed did his level best for em.
He hed appinted em to Collekterships and furrin
mishuns; but the crooel Senit, wich hed no respeck
for us, took delite in fastening uv em onto us by
perpetooally rejectin em. Jest after a long siege by
Montgomery and the old man, I sejestid the purchis
uv the Rooshen Territory, to wich not only they
cood be sent, but a thousand uv others wich we hed
on our hands; and the Sekretary wuz so pleased at
the idea that he wept like a child. With a vigor
wonderful in one so old, he set about gittin testimonials
ez to the valyoo uv the territory, to inflooence
the Senit in ratifyin the treaty he was agoin to
make. And he wrote to a naval officer about it,
who answered more promptly than I ever knowd a
naval offiser to do, ez follows: —

“It's trooly a splendid country! The trade in the
skins uv white bears kin be, ef properly developed,
made enormous. There is seals there, and walruses
so tame that they come up uv their own akkord to
be ketched.

“P. S. — In case the purchis shood be made, a
naval stashen will be necessary. May I hope that
my long services on the Floridy Coast would prove

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suffishent recommendashen for the command uv the
depot? May I?

“I hev the honor to be,” &c.

A distinguished Perfessor wrote: —

“The climate is about the style uv that they hev
in Washinton. The Gulf Stream sweeps up the
coast, causing a decided twist in the isothermal line,
wich hez the effeck uv making it ruther sultry than
otherwise. Anywheres for six hundred miles back
uv the coast strawberries grow in the open air. I
recommend strongly the purchis.

“P. S. — In case the purchis is made, a explorin
expedishen will be necessary. May I hope that my
scientiffik attainments are suffishently well known
to yoo to recommend me as a proper person to head
the expedishen? May I?

“I hev the honor to be,” et settry.

The President wuzn't favorably inclined. He
wuz full uv the old fogy idea that it wuz rather
chilly there than otherwise. He hedn't faith in the
Isothermal Line, and wuz skepticle about the Gulf
Stream. It wuz his experience that the further
North yoo got the colder it wuz. For instance, he

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remarkt, that while the people wuz warm toward
him in Virginny and Maryland, last fall, they became
very cold ez he got North. Wher wuz the
Isothermal Line and the Gulf Stream then?

Randall, who will hev his joke, remarkt that the
isothermal line twisted. He notist that the people
made it ez hot for em ez he wantid it ez fur North
ez Cleveland; to wich Sekretary Welles replied, that
it only confirmed him in the opinion that for platin
vessels uv war, iron wuz preferable to pine plank
any time.

Seward removed the President's objections to-wunst.
He read his letters, wich set forth the
beauties and advantages uv the country twict over.
Here wuz whales, and walrusses, and seals, and
white bears, and pine-apples, and wheat, and sealions,
and fields uv ice the year round, in a climit
ez mild and equable ez the meridian uv Washinton.
The isothermal line wuz more accommodatin ther
than in any other part uv the world. It corkscrewed
through the territory so ez to grow fine
peaches for exportation to the States, and ice to the
Sandwich Islands, side by side. He drawd a picter
uv the white bear a rushin over the line, and disportin
hisself in fields uv green peas! Imagine, he
remarked, the delicacy uv Polar bear meat fattened

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on strawberries; think uv the condishn the sealions
must be in which leave their watery lairs to
feed on turnips wich grow above the 60th parallel;
think uv —

“It won't do,” sed the President.

“Think uv,” retortid the Sekretary, with a quicknis
uv intellek remarkable, “think uv gettin rid
uv the Blairs forever!”

“Will the Ablishn Senit ratify the treaty?” askt
Johnson, eagerly.

“I converst with many on the subjick, and they
sed ef we cood promise that the Blairs would accept
posishens ther, they wood do it cheerfly. For
sich a purpose, sed one uv em to me, $7,000,000 is
a mere bagatelle.”

“I'll do it,” sed Johnson. “I agree with the Senators
for once. Rather then hev it fail, I'd pay it
out uv Mrs. Cobb's share in our jint spekelashens.
Freedom from the Blair family! Good Hevings!
kin one man be so blest? Is ther sich in store for
me? $7,000,000! Pish!”

My opinyun being askt, I give it. Ez hefty ez
the vencher is from a commershl stan-pint, in a
politikle pint uv view, the advantagis will be still
heftier. The Rooshn territory will finally be the
chosen home uv the Dimocrisy. Ther is already

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a populashen there adaptid to us, who kin be manipulated
without trouble, and the climit is favorable
to a strickly Democratic populashen. The
trouble with us here is that the amount uv likker
necessary to the manufakter uv a Democrat kills
him afore he hez a opportoonity uv votin many
times, wich keeps us in a perpetooal minority.
Our strength is, for climatic reasons, our weaknis.
Far diffrent is it in Roosha. Ther the happy
native may drink his quart per day — the bracin
atmosphere makin it abslootly nessary for him.
Ther is the troo Democratic paradise. How offen
hev I sighed for sich a country. Then, again, ther
are posishens uv profit. The delegates to Congriss
will, ef I hev figgered it rightly, draw about
$15,000 per session, mileage, wich is $30,000 per
year, $60,000 per term. He cood afford to serve
without the paltry $5,000, wich wood be cheep
legislatin, indeed.

And so it wuz agreed upon, and the treaty wuz
made by telegraph at a expense uv — I forgit eggsackly—
but I think it wuz summers in the neighborhood
uv $20,000. Before it wuz finely conclooded,
some other little incidentals wuz inclooded
by the Zar, wich run the price up to $10,200,000,
but that wuz nothin for us. Seward went at his

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work with great energy. The Purchis wuz divided
up into six territories (for the number uv delegates
to our convenshuns wuz large, and they all
hed to be provided for), wich wuz named, respectively,
Johnson, Seward, Cowan, Doolittle, Randall,
and Welles. For the one in the extreme North, the
furthest off, Frank Blair wuz appinted Governor;
for the next, Montgomery; and the next, the old
man, and the other three wuz held in reserve for
the pure but unfortunate patriots wich might be
hereafter rejected for the Austrian mishun. A list
wuz prokoored uv the delegates to our various convenshuns,
and them ez hed bin martyred by the
Senit; ther names wuz put into a wheel ez at Gift
Enterprises, and the Judgeships, Marshalships,
Clerkships, et settry, wuz drawd by lot. This ijee
was sejested by Postmaster-General Randall, ez
bein the easiest way of doin it. He statid that the
appintments from his department hed alluz bin
made in this manner, ez it saved time in eggsaminin
petitions, cirtifikets uv fitnis, and sich. In this way,
about ez near ez I kin estimate, two per cent. uv
those claimin posishens at our hands hev bin provided
for.

The idea is capable uv unlimited extension. The
Administration feelin the releef it hez gin em, are

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already negotiatin for the British Provinces. This
territory kin, by makin uv em a little smaller, be
divided up into — say, forty — which, by makin a
few more offises for each, and bein libral with
explorin expedishuns and sich, will be sufficient to
give places to all who really have claims upon us
and who are pushin us.

The President breathes easier, and the Secretary
is placid ez a Summer mornin. He hez cut the
Gordian knot; he hez releeved hisself uv the boa
constrickter wich wuz crushin him in its folds.
Happiness pervades the White House.

p633-147 XVI.

The Radical Change. — A slight Alteration in
the Name and Policy of Mr. Nasby's “Institoot.”

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TIMES changes, and men change jist ez fast ez
times. I should like to see the times wich
kin change faster than I kin; but this last shift I
hev bin forced to make, ruther took my breth. It
wuz sudden. The Connecticut eleckshun didn't do
us much good after all. We felt well over it for
perhaps a day; but ez we begun to git other indicashens
from the North, we didn't jist see how that
little spirt wuz agoin to help us. Cincinnati went
Ablishin stronger than ever. Chicago ditto; and
most everywhere the Dimocratic rooster wuz flattened.
The cabinet, when they heerd uv Deekin
Pogram's assault upon the nigger, on the receet uv
the intelligence uv the election news, notified me

[figure description] Page 133.[end figure description]

officially that a repetishen uv sich loonacy wood be
equivalent to a reseet uv my resignation, even tho
the post offis shood be discontinyood. “The nigger
vote must be capchered. It's essenshel. Wade
Hampton sez so,” wrote Randall to me, and I reprimanded
the Deekin for his recklessniss, and borrowed
four dollars uv Bascom, who is the only man
in the vicinity who hez any ready money, to make
it all right with him.

We held a meetin uv the Drecktors and Faculty
uv the Southern Military and Classicle Institoot last
evening, to decide wat course that instooshn wuz to
take in the grate work uv surroundin the Ethiopian
and attachin uv him to us. In sich a time ez this,
ez I menshend to Captain McPelter, it won't do for
our institooshuns uv learning to stand back. These
great levers, the molders uv public opinion, must
be ez progressive ez the progressiveist, and must
change like other things to meet the requirements
uv the times. We hev commenst our march into
Africa, and thus far hev we gone into the bowels
uv the land without impediment, to speak uv — let
us persevere. Let us capcher the Ethiopian, stink
and all.

The meetin wuz held in the back room uv Bascom's,
owing to the fact that it wuz rainin, and the

[figure description] Page 134.[end figure description]

roof uv the Post Offis leaks. I hed an appropriashn
some time since from the Department for repairs;
but bein in doubt whether it wuz intended for repairs
on the Post Offis or the Postmaster, I gave
the prizner the benefit uv the doubt, and got a new
pair uv boots. I cood better endoor the slite inconvenience
uv occasional rain than to go barefoot.

I made a statement uv the case, and sejisted a
radical change in the Institoot. Captain McPelter
agreed with me. He felt that ther hedn't bin that
complete, hearty recognition uv our Afrikan brethren
as there ought to be. He had on several occasions
allowed his nateral vivacity to git the better
of his proodence, and hed waded into em alarmin.
The old ijee of Ham and Hagar and Onesimus hed
bin so drilled into him in his yooth, that he hed to
wrestle with it to keep it in control, and in spite uv
himself it often got the better uv him. He sejisted
that the name uv the Institoot be changed from
“The Southern Military and Classikle Institoot,”
to “The Ham and Japheth Free Academy for the
Development uv the Intellek uv all Races, irrespectiv
uv Color.”

That he thought would anser the required end.
The colored men who choose to avail theirselves of
the priviligis afforded by this institooshn, when it is

[figure description] Page 135.[end figure description]

finished, kin find in this no cause uv complaint.
They are recognized. They are given the precedence.
They stand first in the matter and foremost.
Wat more kin they ask?

Bascom hed a series uv resolooshuns wich he
desired to present. He sed it mite be looked upon
ez strange that he shood favor the concentrashun
uv free niggers at the Corners, but he hed good and
suffishent reasons. First, he hed faith that constant
contact with the Board wood bring em to the pint
uv patronizin his bar; but ef it didn't, he knowd
perfectly well that the Board and Fakulty wood
manage to git all they hed, for board and tooition,
wich he was perfectly certin he'd git in the end.
Wat he wanted wuz people here: to yoose an
illustration borrered from his biznis, the offishels uv
this Institoot wuz the funnel through wich the
wealth uv all uv em wood be conducted to his coffers.
I fell onto his neck in rapcher, and then
vowed that I wuz willin to die for his good — that
I cared not how much uv other people's money run
through me to him ef 'twas thus dilooted. The
resolooshens presented read ez follows: —

“Resolved, That the name uv the Southern Military
and Classikle Institoot be changed to `The Ham

[figure description] Page 136.[end figure description]

and Japheth Free Academy, for the Development uv
the Intelleck uv all Races, irrespective uv Color.'

“Resolved, That in makin this change, we, the
Board uv Directors, do so, assertin,

“1. That in this emergency we are justified in
doubtin whether Noer got tite at all, the statement
in the Skripters to that effect bein ondoubtedly an
error uv the translators.

“2. That ef he did git tite, he didn't cuss Ham
at all.

“3. That ef he did cuss Ham, the cuss wuzn't
intended to extend beyond Canaan at the furthest,
and hence his descendants go scot free.

“4. That ef the cuss wuz really and trooly intended
to attach to all uv Ham's descendents, irrespective
uv color, to the end uv time, it ain't uv no
effeck in Kentucky, ez that State hez allus run irrespective
uv any code, 'ceptin sich ez hez bin adopted
by her Legislacher.

“5. That the theory that the nigger, irrespective
uv color, is a beast, is a deloosion, a snare, which
we hev alluz practically held, no matter what we
may, for effect, hev sed, ez the number uv mulattoes,
to say nothin uv them still farther bleached in Kentucky,
abundantly proves.

“6. That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv color, is

[figure description] Page 137.[end figure description]

trooly a man and a brother; and the female Ethiopian,
also irrespective uv color, trooly a woman
and a sister.

“Resolved, That this Institoot, whose name is
now so happily changed, shel be conducted upon
the principles uv strict ekality, irrespective uv color.

“Resolved, That when we reflect that the bloated
aristocracy uv England interdoost, and the early
settlers of Massachoosets sankshund, slavery on this
continent, forcin it really onto us, we bile with
indignashun towards em, and kin hardly restrane
ourselves.

“Resolved, That at the tables, in the choice uv
rooms, and in all matters where there is a choice,
the African man and brother, irrespective uv color,
shel hev the precedence.

“Resolved, That Oberlin College, by not givin
the sons uv Ham, irrespective uv color, the precedence,
shows clearly that it is actooated by narrerminded
prejudice, wich deserves the reprobashen uv
every lover uv his kind.

“Resolved, That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv
color, kin change his skin, and that his oder, ef he
hez any, is rather pleasant than otherwise.

“Resolved, That we look with loathing upon the
States North, wich, alluz professin friendship for

[figure description] Page 138.[end figure description]

the noble black man uv the cotton fields, refooze to
take him to their buzzums, irrespective uv color.

“Resolved, That ef Massachoosits and Vermont,
and Northern Illinois, and the Western Reserve in
Ohio, are honest in their professions uv love for the
negro, they will come down with donashuns to assist
in the completion uv the Academy.”

Deekin Pogram didn't know about all this. He
hed bin edikated in Ham and Hager, and wuz a
bleever in Onesimus. He doubted. Sposen after
all this concession the nigger shood play off onto
us? Sposen he shoodent vote with us after all, but
cling to his Northern friends? Or spose he shood
vote with us, and we shood, thro his vote, git control,
wat then? How cood we redoose em to ther
normal condition agin after all this palavrin?

Bascom replied that he wuz surprised at the Deekin's
obtoosnis. First, ef they did vote with the
Ablishnists, we wuz no worse off, ez that wuz wat
they proposed to do any how. Ef, on the other
hand, they didn't, what then? The trouble with
em now is, they know too much. “Let em,” sed
Bascom, warmin up, “let em associate with us a
year, let em vote with us, et cettry, and in twelve
months they're precisely fitted agin to be servance

[figure description] Page 139.[end figure description]

unto their brethren. Look,” sed he, “at the Northern
Dimocrasy, and see to what we may hope to
bring these men in time.”

But little more bizness wuz transacted. Beverly
Nash, of South Caroliny, was unanimously called
to a Professorship; and a young gentleman uv
color, who, from his strong resemblance to Elder
Gavitt, ought to hev biznis capacity, wuz unanimously
elected a member of the Board. The yoonyun
is perfect. Ham and Japheth hev shaken hands,
and are embracin each other.

May prosperity attend the nupchels, and may the
isshoo be fortunate. I hev got over the disgust
attendant upon the fust chill, and am consekently
feelin well.

p633-155 XVII.

Mr. Nasby Preaches a Sermon on Universal
Brotherhood, the Effect of which is destroyed
by Northern Democratic Papers. — He remonstrates.

[figure description] Page 140.[end figure description]

WE are in continyooal trouble down here with
these cussid niggers. They are harder to
manage than pigs. Pigs don't express ther pecoolyarities.
Mules come nearer. Ther is sich a method
in their obstinacy — sich a wilful cussidnis, that I
reely hev made up my mind that I don't understand
em at all. They cuddle up to us ez kind ez a
bloomin maiden does to her first adored, and they
fling us just ez natral ez that same guileless maiden
does when number two heaves in site. They behave
well for a season, aperrently for no other purpose
than to enjoy our discomfiture when they
finally throw us. I hev bin a gittin a suspishen

[figure description] Page 141.[end figure description]

thro me that they ain't half ez stoopid ez they look;
and that, after all, we are not fur from the trooth
when we say, in our resolooshens, that they are the
ekals uv the whites. Why shoodn't they be? Ah!
why, indeed? Why shoodent the nigger boy, wich
is now crossin the street, wich hez Deekin Pogram's
feechers ez like ez a photograff, hev ez much sense
ez the Deekin? I hev egsamined into the pedigree
uv that nigger, and I find that his mother hed
the hawtiest and best blood uv Virginny coursin
toomulchusly thro her veins — and that stock the
Pogram mix coodent materially depreciate in one
generashen.

I hed the niggers uv the × Roads very handsomely
in tow up to yisterday. I hed em attendin
services last Sunday at the meetin-house, and by
private arrangement hed em seated miscellaneously
among the awjence. Dekin Pogram hed a wench,
wich weighed at least 250 pounds averdupoise,
atween him and his wife, while four other niggers
ornamentid his pew. Bascom, with alacrity, consented
to three; and Elder Gavitt provided seats
for four. It wuz a pleasant site! White and black
wuz alternatid like the spots on a checker-board —
niggers and whites wuz spread out together like
the fat and lean in pork; and ez I seed it I cood

[figure description] Page 142.[end figure description]

hardly restrane my emoshuns. There before me
wuz the regenerashun uv the Democratic party —
there wuz wat wuz to bring us out uv the valley
and shadder uv death into wich we hed fallen, up
on the high ground uv offishel life. I preached
that memrable day from two texts, to wit: “Uv one
blood did he make all the nashens uv the earth,”
and “All ye are brethren;” and I orated a movin
discourse. I demonstrated with great fervor the
loonacy uv the idea that the Almighty wood take
the trouble to create two or more races when one
wood do ez well — wich idea is alluz well receeved
in this region. All men form their idea uv the
Deity somewhat from themselves; and I never
knowd a Confedrit Cross Roader to make two
things when one wood anser. I refuted the theory,
advanced by some writers, that there wuz more
than one head to the race, by quotin the texts wich
treated uv the creashen uv Adam and Eve, and
demolished the Ham doctrine at site. “Ef,” sed
I, “Noer did cuss Ham, and condemn Canaan to
be a servant unto his brethren, how do we know
that our colored brethren and sistren is the desendants
uv Ham and Canaan? It may be us for all we
know! Is it his color? Is not black jest ez convenient
a color ez white?”

[figure description] Page 143.[end figure description]

“More so,” murmured Mrs. Pogram, half asleep,
“more so — it don't show dirt.”

“Is it his shape? O, my brethren, I ain't a
handsome man, nor wood I exactly anser for a
model for Apoller. Ef beauty, or comeliness, or
shape, or style, is to decide the pint, may the Lord
help us! Is it his smell? My brethren, the New
York World asserts that the nigger hain't no smell,
and ef he hez, why shoodent he hev? Standin
under the common flag uv our country, with his
hand upon that magna charta, the Deklarashen, and
his beamin eye turned exultinly toward our nashnel
emblem, the eagle, shall not our Afrikin brother be
allowed to smell jist ez he chooses? Ef smell must
be uniform, then let our Government establish a
Burow uv Perfoomery to-wunst. Besides, I take
high religious grounds in this matter. Ef he hez
a natural odor, the Lord give it to him. Let us
not fly in the face uv the Lord by condemin it.
Judge not, lest we be judged. The odor uv the
colored gentleman or lady is the work uv the Lord—
the odor uv yoor unwashed feet is yoor own —
wich shood stand the highest?

“My brethren and sistren, I acknowledge that I
hev not long held these views. I hev showed the
common prejudis, and hev contemned our friends

[figure description] Page 144.[end figure description]

uv color; I hev despitefully used 'em; I hev gone
for 'em, and banged 'em like old boots. But it wuz
becoz I didn't know 'em. I didn't see the kernel
of meat under the rough shell: I didn't recognize
the glitrin diamond in the ebony coal. My eyes
hev bin opened. Like Saul of Tarsus, I see a lite.
Sence the passage uv the Military Bill I hev diskivered
many things too tejus to menshun. I hev
mostly found out all these things sence that occurrence.
But let us accept the situashen, and bless
the Lord that it hez resultid in developin excellences
where we didn't expect to find 'em.”

There wuz an affectin scene after service wuz
over. Deekin Pogram, Captain McPelter, and Elder
Gavitt shook hands with em with a degree uv corjality
I didn't expect. Trooly, them are great men.
They develop a degree uv adaptability to circumstances
wich I didn't look for. I really bleeve if
I'd a told em that it wood hev a good effeck to
kiss the nigger babies all round, that they'd a done
it. But I spared em this. There is such a thing
ez laying it on too thick.

But all this wuz spiled the next day. There wuz
an eggstraordinarily heavy mail that day. In addition
to the paper wich Pollock, the Illinois storekeeper,

[figure description] Page 145.[end figure description]

takes, ther wuz eight others; and to my surprise
they wuz all directed to niggers. “Wat is this?”
thot I to myself. “Hev the Ablishnists uv the
North determined upon proselytin these men, and
are they goin to flood this country with their incendiary
readin? Ez a Federal officer it's my dooty
to look into the matter!” Jist imagine my delirious
joy at findin that they wuz Democratic papers
from Noo York and Ohio! “Thank Heaven!”
sed I, “our people hev awakened to a sense uv the
necessity uv doin suthin;” and I handed the papers
out to em with impressive words, exhortin uv em
to read em, ez they wuz trooth, and nothin but the
trooth.

I ruther think they read em, for from that time
out they avoided me ez though I hed the plague.
Ef I wuz a goin down the street, and one uv em
wuz a comin up, he'd cross the street; and the
pecoolyer expression uv his countenance indicatid
that it wuzn't my majestick presence wich awd him.
They hed loathin depicted on their classick feechers.
Unable to endoor this, I seezed one uv em, and
asked why I wuz treated thus?

Delibritly he pulled out uv his pockit one uv them
cussid Northern papers, and openin it, pintid

[figure description] Page 146.[end figure description]

indignantly to a editorial article. It wuz perfoosely
headed in this wise: —

Shel niggers vote? — Shel the prowd Caucashen
be redoost to a ekality with the disgustin
Afrikin? — Is this a white man's government or
not? — Ameriky for white men!

Sed this Ethiopian, with his fingers on this
headin, “'Pears like ez ef dah wuzn't jist dat good
feelin towards us colored men on de part ob de
Dimoc'sy ob the Norf dat dah ought to be. 'Pears
like as dough up dah wha de niggah ain't got no
vote, dat dey don't intend he shel hab it. 'Pears
like, ef Dimoc'sy's one ting all ober de country,
dar's a cussid site ob humbug a goin on down
heah!”

Wat cood I say? Wat cood I do? There it wuz
in black and white; and from papers whose Dimocrisy
could not be questioned. I wuz dumbfoundid.
The nigger stalked hawtily and proudly away in
one direckshen, while I sneaked off ruther sneakinly
in another.

I hev one word to say to our brethren in the
North. Yoo'r doublin our troubles, and makin our

[figure description] Page 147.[end figure description]

burdens harder to bear. Why can't yoo understand
common sense? Wat hurt wood nigger suffrage do
yoo up there wher ther ain't no niggers, and how
much wood it benefit us down here wher ther's
millions uv em? Can't yoo see it? We can't play
the same game on the niggers that we used to play
on the sturdy yeomanry uv Berks County, Pennsylvany,
and other localities. On all questions heretofore
the Dimocrisy hez allowed a liberal license. We
hev bin Free Trade in Noo York and Tariff in
Pennsylvany the same year, and we cood do it. Sich
Dimocrats didn't git ther asshoorences from papers,
owin to their inability to perooze em rapidly, it bein
so long afore they got a word spelled out that they
forgot the one precedin it, wich destroyed the connection,
the continuity uv the narrative, ef I may
so speak, and wat we told em wuz gospel. That
won't do with the nigger down here. He reads, he
does; and ef he don't, ther's alluz everywhere some
sich sneakin cuss ez Pollock, who reads for him,
and they know wat they know jist ez well ez anybody.
Let em stop hammerin the nigger. It won't
do. Ef he's to be a man and a brother here, he
must be a man and a brother there. Ef the Dimocrisy
must hev a race to look down on, let em turn

[figure description] Page 148.[end figure description]

their attenshun to the Chinese or the Injuns, but
from this time out the nigger is sacred.

p633-164 XVIII.

The Decease of Elder Gavitt. — Mr. Nasby announces
the Death of his Friend and mourns.—
A touching Obituary.

[figure description] Page 149.[end figure description]

ABLITE hez fallen o'er my soul. My eyes,
albeit unused to the meltin mood, hev distilled
nothin but tears for twelve hours. A Piller
hez fallen! In the meetin-house there is a vacant
pew, and a chair at Bascom's is without a setter.
Last nite, at precisely nine P. M., Elder Abimileck
Gavitt departed this life, aged 63 years and some
odd months.

I weep ez I write. The Elder wuz snufft out jest
ez the flowers uv spring wuz cumin — jest ez the
weather wuz a gittin warm enough to go barefooted—
jest when it wuzn't nessary to bother about getting
fire-wood, or be concerned about feedin the stock—
jest when it begins to be comfortable a settin

[figure description] Page 150.[end figure description]

onto the grocery stoop — jest at the threshhold uv
six months' enjoyment. Why wuz he taken? Ekko
ansers. The ways uv Providence is inskrootable.

Elder Gavitt wuz a native uv North Karliny,
wich State he left in the blush uv early manhood,
jist after he wuz married. Wat he left North Karliny
for, I never wuz able to assertane percisely;
but I hev understood that it wuz suthin in connection
with a smoke-house, and the hams wich did
hang therein. He wuz in a Whig naberhood —
his naber, the proprietor of the smoke-house, wuz
a Whig — ther wuz sum hams mist — the rinds wuz
found in his possession — Whig intolerance and persekooshen.
Upon sich slite evidence he wuz adjudged
guilty of theft, and wuz ignominiously rid
on a rale, and ordered to leave the country in
twenty-four hours, wich he did, driftin nat'rally to
Kentucky. Thank Heaven for sich outrages! But
for sich, Kentucky wood hev bin a Republican
State, or wood hev remained unsettled to this day.

Elder Gavitt wuz alluz a Democrat uv the strictest
sect. He voted for Jackson, and reglerly for
every Democratic candidate sence. He didn't read
very much; indeed, ef I remember right, he coodent
do it at all, and wuz, consekently, stedfast in the
faith. He wuzn't shook about, and driven hither

[figure description] Page 151.[end figure description]

and yon by every wind, but remained thro life fast
in the groove into wich he hed bin origenelly sot.
His politikle creed wuz made up uv this one idee,
to wit: Hatrid uv Noo England. He hatid Noo
England becoz Noo England hatid whiskey, wich
he coodent git along without, and slavery, uv wich
he hed a hundred niggers. He votid agin Noo
England all his life reglerly, and ez many times on
each eleckshen day ez he cood without risk.

My acquaintance with the deceest commenst about
three years ago. It wuz at his house I stopt on my
advent into these parts. Ther wuz no need uv
formel introduckshens — ther wuz already a bond
atween us wich knit our souls together. His eye,
ez it lit onto my nose, lighted up with a smile; and
ez I gazed on hizzen, I felt that he wuz indeed a
man and a brother. He took me in— he sheltered
me — he gave me whereof to eat and to drink and
to make merry, and with him I tarried till I wuz
reglerly installed ez pastor uv the Church, and
thereby reglerly pervided for.

The cause uv the Elder's death wuz a broken
heart. He wuz a ardent Confedrit, and manfully
bore up under the reverses of the war. His courage
wuz unshaken doorin the repeated successes uv
the Federal armies; and even when emancipation

[figure description] Page 152.[end figure description]

deprived him uv his slaves, he still hed faith that,
evenchooally, all wood be well. “We may be
beeten now,” wuz his constant remark, “but the
Northern Dimocrisy are all right, and thro them
we'll yet conker!” Confidin in em, bleevin in em,
he held out brave up to the passage uv the Military
Reconstruckshen Bill.

I then saw a change steel insensibly over my
venerable friend. His head bowed with supprest
grief — his bosom throbbd with the emoshen that
wuz strugglin for uttrance. He wood come over to
my offis five or six times a day, and ask me to read
him that passage uv the law givin the nigger the
ballot. I wood do it, when, without sayin a word,
he wood reel off, with tears flowin down his wasted
cheeks, to Bascom's. I wood foller him, to see that
no harm came to him. The old man wuz so broken
that he'd pay for his own likker and mine too,
without noticin. Fearin to awaken unpleasant emoshens
in his mind, I never menshend the latter circumstance.

Things grew worse with him. When Mr. Randall
wrote me to consiliate the niggers ez Wade
Hampton wuz a doin it, the old father in Democrisy
obeyed without a murmur. Democrisy wuz
his first idea, and he obeyed her behests, tho 'twuz

[figure description] Page 153.[end figure description]

consoomin his very sole. He shook hands with
niggers at my rekest, tho the touch wuz ez red hot
iron; he took two of em into his pew, tho his
promoxity to em set him a shakin like the ager;
and he votid to change the name and objects uv
the Institoot, tho the convulsive workins uv his
face showd wat the struggle cost him.

Day by day the Elder faded. The iron entered
his sole, and it wuz corrodin! corrodin! corrodin!
and eatin him up by degrees. He walked the
streets listlessly, his eyes suffoosed with teers, and
his lips movin ez ef mutterin suthin to hisself. I
become concerned for him, and so did the entire
cirkle. Bascom figgered up his akkount at his bar,
and went to the records to see whether his farm
wuz unencumbered, and sich uv the neighbors ez
hed lent him small sums sot about gittin em.

Last Sunday the pitcher went to the well for the
last time. I hed four niggers in his pew, upon
whom he looked vacantly, but sed nothin. After
servis, I stopped him. “Elder,” sez I, in a whisper,
“it wood hev a good effeck ef yoo cood kiss
them little nigger girls.”

“Parson!” sed he, tremblin like a leaf, “is it
abslootely necessary?”

“It is,” sez I firmly, “a dooty evry Dimokrat

[figure description] Page 154.[end figure description]

owes to his party, in this crisis, to kiss ez many
nigger children ez possible.”

A strange expression lit up the old man's countenance.
In a frenzied manner he kissed all there
wuz in the church, and, ez ef insane, commenst on
the adult femails uv that persuasion. With difficulty
we restrained him; but breakin loose from us,
he startid down the street, a running down and kissin
every nigger child his eyes restid on. Finally he
sunk to the erth eggsaustid, and we bore him to his
house and put him to bed. From that bed he never
ariz. He wuz a goner. We hed to give him his
likker in a spoon, and I never knowed a Kentuckian
to recover who wuz past drinkin out uv a
bottle.

Slowly his strength wasted. Yesterday he rallied
and asked for me, ez the candle uv life flickered
feebly in the socket.

“Perfesser!” sed he, with an effort, “is Kentucky
to rool the niggers, or the niggers to rool
Kentucky? Has the Dimocrisy swallered the nigger,
or the nigger swallered the Dimocrisy?”

And all wuz o'er! He fell back a piece uv clay,
wich never cood rally to the poles agin.

Bascom and I turned aside and wept. Sed Bascom,
“Hed he lived two years more I wood hev
hed his farm.”

[figure description] Page 155.[end figure description]

“Not any,” sed I, bustin into teers. “I wood
hev hed it to endow the Institoot.”

“In that event it wood evenchooally hev bin
mine,” gasped Bascom, relapsin into a fresh spasm
uv grief.

We buried him yesterday. It wuz the biggest
funeral ever knowd at the Corners. It was a
tetchin site. Standin around his bier, wuz his four
children by his first wife, and his six children by
his second wife, and twelve or fifteen other children
uv all colors, from that uv a new saddle up to dark
molasses, who insisted upon bein counted in ez
mourners. It wuz the tightest place I wuz ever
in in my life.

“My friends,” sed I to em, “is this seemly? Is
this proper?”

They replied that it wuz. “I mourn a father,”
sed one; “not much uv a father, but he wuz the
only one I ever hed.” “I mourn a husband,” sed
the mother uv the first speaker, “not legally a husband,
but morally, or rather, immorally.” “We
weep,” sed all these various shades in korus, and
they bustid out into a torrent uv greef wich completely
extinguished them on the tother side uv the
grave, wich hed the legle rite to mourn.

Ez a matter uv coarse, it ended in a row.

[figure description] Page 156.[end figure description]

Issaker Gavitt swore that no cussid bleached niggers
shood shed teers at his father's funeral; and
Amandy flew at a quadroon wich wuz cryin too
prominently, and Mrs. Gavitt attacked the quadroon's
mother who wuz displayin altogether too
much white pockit hankercher. In the melee I
left, satisfied that Democrisy hez altogether too
many rough pints to git over pleasant.

I feel it my dooty to erect a monument to the
memory uv this good and true man — this martyr
to Democrisy. Demokrats, feelin an interest in the
matter, and wishin to contribute to the work, may
send by mail sich donashens ez they see fit, to me,
with perfect confidence that they will be yoosed.
Let em remember that but for his devoshen to the
coz he wood hev bin livin to-day. Ef we cannot
do much for the livin, let us not forgit the dead.

p633-172 XIX.

Triumphal Progress of J. Davis from Fortress
Monroe to Richmond.

[figure description] Page 157.[end figure description]

IN castin a retrospective glance backerd over the
pathway uv the past, I kin see many mistakes
wich I hev made. I hevn't alluz made the most uv
opportoonities — I hev doubtid when doubtin wuz
a crime, and I hev stood shivrin on the brink and
feared to lanch away, when on the tother side uv
the Jordan wuz pelf and profit. Our foresite isn't
alluz ez good ez our hind-site. The great error uv
my life wuz in not plungin headlong into the war
ez a Confedrit Major-General, distinguishin myself
for crooelty to Fedral prizners, and bein, at the
close uv the fratrisidle struggle, reseeved and embraced
ez a long-lost brother by the Northern people
(lettin em kill fattid calves for me), and uv
coorse bein the objeck uv sympathy ez a marter by
the Southern people. In this sitooashen a man hez

[figure description] Page 158.[end figure description]

two strings to his bow. He brings to his support
the two extremes. He fetches together Horris
Greely from the one side, and General Boregard
from the t'other — they embrace, and standin onto
both their sholders, he hez wat may be called a soft
thing uv it.

I wuz led into these train uv reflections by the
experience I hev hed with our sainted cheef, Jefferson
Davis. I wuz sent hither by the President to
see that everythin wuz done for the comfort uv the
illustrious man that cood be done, on the occasion
uv his contemplatid trip to Richmond. Partikelerly
I wuz charged to see that everything calkelatid to
jar onto his sensitive feelins be removed — everythin
wich cood wound his sense uv hearin, seein,
or smellin.

The grate man had consentid to go. He hed
bin, he felt, illegally deprived uv liberty — unconstooshnelly
in fact — and ef he shood consult his
own feelings he wood remane; but to forgive wuz
divine. Viewin these perceedins in the lite uv an
apology, he wood go.

The day hed arrived. The steamer wuz at the
Fortress carefully prepared to receive its illustrious
burden. It hed been thoroughly cleaned and fumigated,
the cabins hed bin nooly furnisht, and speshel

[figure description] Page 159.[end figure description]

alterashens made for the President and party. Ther
wuz Yoonited States officers and soljers aboard;
but out of respeck for the feelins uv their illustrious
“prizner,” ez he is technically called, they kept
theirselves carefully out of his site, that the color
uv their uniforms might not awaken onpleasant
refleckshens. So perfeck, indeed, wuz the arrangements,
that the railin uv the boat, which wuz originelly
bloo, wuz kivered with gray cloth, and the
eagle figger-head uv the craft wuz sawed off. This
wuz sejested by a eminent Conservative uv Noo
York, who hez a large Southern trade wich he
didn't prejoodis by his course doorin the war. The
ladies' cabin wuz originelly assigned to the party;
but a female passenger hed no more regard for the
comfort uv the marter than to die on the passage,
an they were deprived uv it. The Conservative
merchant insisted that the corpse be chucked overboard;
but Mr. Davis, with a magnanimity wich
wuz alluz characteristic uv him, refoozed. “No,”
said he, “let her rest there. I kin endoor the
inconvenience, severe as it is. It is but one more
attempt to break my sperit.”

All the way up there wuz the most tetchin deference
shown him. At every landin the people
were assembled to greet him, wich he

[figure description] Page 160.[end figure description]

acknowledged with a condesenshen I never saw off the
stage. He conversed but little on the passage up.
Ez the boat was a sweepin majestically past pints
made historicle by the events uv the great struggle,
his eye wood brighten, ef they wuz sich pints ez a
Confedrit cood take pride in, and dim with teers ef
they wuz pints at wich ther had bin reverses.

The most considrit preparashens hed bin made for
his resepshen. Ther wuz no irons onto him: the
only guards in site wuz them wich wuz detailed to
keep the crowd from annoyin him, and a carriage
wuz in readiness, into wich we seated ourselves, and
wuz driven off at a dignified pace to that resort uv
the aristocracy uv Virginny — the Spottswood.
Here, more considerashen wuz shown. Mr. Davis
being averse to walkin up stairs, a suite uv rooms
hed bin prepared for him on the fust floor, and the
presence uv General Burton, uv the Federal army,
bein obnoxshus, he wuz assigned by the Ex-President
a room at the further end uv the corridor. His
nerves bein very sensitive, heavy mattin wuz laid
down in all the halls, and the servants uv the house
wuz especially directed to wear list slippers, and to
walk on their tip toes.

I wuz invited to his room, and wuz favored with a
few minutes' conversashen with the first of

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Amerikens. Glancin out uv the winder, his fine, soft, gray
eyes restid on the roof uv Libby. “Lies! lies!” sed
he, angrily.

“Wat speshel lies hev yoo reference to?” askt I.

“Them wich wuz publisht in the scurrillous reports
uv the Committees uv a unconstooshnel Congris
regardin the treatment uv prizners in Libby.
They asserted that the officers died becoz they hed
but ten feet by two for sleepin, washin, cookin, and
eatin. They hed that space, and wat more wuz necessary?
Why give 'em room to cook when they
hedn't anythin to cook? Wherefore room to eat ef
they hedn't anythin to eat? No, its false. It wuzn't
the crowdin that perdoost the mortality.”

Only wunst wuz his buzzum wrung, and that the
Government cood not pervent. He wuz a standin
at the winder, gazin out upon Richmond, his mind
revertin to the time when it wuz the Capital uv his
Confedracy, when a procession passed with moosic,
and flags, and banners. With a shreek uv anguish
he buried his head in the curtins, and wept aloud.
I rusht to the winder. It wuz ez I feared. Filin
slowly by wuz a percession uv niggers who hed past
that way perposely. “Merciful Heaven!” sed he,
“hez it come to this?” and he wuz very reserved
and deprest the balence uv the day.

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The next day the President wuz taken to the
Court. Ez he entered the room, and glanced
proudly over the awjence, it wood hev bin very
difficult to hev decided whether he wuz a goin to
try the Court or the Court him. But repressin
hisself he took his seat. Techin solissitood wuz
displayed in the Court Room for his comfort. A
crack in the winder-casin let in a draft uv cold air;
he shuddered, and a shudder run thro the entire
assemblage. The shudder uv the Conservative merchant
from Noo York wuz trooly artistic. Cotton
wuz called for, when the Conservative merchant's
wife tore off one uv her buzzums and stufft the
apertoor. Wuz ther ever more techin sacrifis?
The President wept ez he beheld it. On assertainin
the temperatoor wich best sootid his system,
a thermometer wuz brot, and the room wuz kept at
that precise degree.

There wuz sum triflin legal formalities gone
through with, and the President's counsel made a
motion that he be admitted to bail. There wuz a
stir in the Court. “Make it a million!” sed one,
“so that the craven North shel see how we kin
take keer uv them we love!” But Judge Underwood
fixed it at $100,000, and, brisk ez bees,
Schell, a Noo York Dimocrat, several Richmond

[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]

[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]

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Dimocrats, and Horris Greely, stept forrerd and
signed it.

Never shel I forgit the shout that assendid ez
Horris wuz a signin his name.

“Three cheers for Jeff'son Greely and Horris
Davis — one and inseprable, now and forever!”
shoutid one enthoosiastic confedrit.

“Immortality is yoors!” sed another, seezin him
by the hand corjelly. “Jeff'son Davis is the big
dog uv the age, and yoo, my deer sir, are now the
tin kittle tied to his tale! Wat joy! Wat happinis!
When posterity speeks uv Him, they'll speek uv
Yoo!”

I coodent restrane myself no more. Bustin into
teers, I fell onto Greeley's buzzum, and we embraced.
Ez he hedn't his spekticles on, he sposed
it wuz Davis hisself, and he bustid into teers also,
and there wuz wun uv the most strikin tabloos ever
exhibited. I got away afore he diskivered his mistake.

Here wuz the endin uv our troubles — the consummashen
uv our hopes. Davis wuz free! The
pent-up emoshens uv the people found vent. Ez he
stept into the street the people crowded to the carriage
wich contained us, and rent the air with cheers.
We reacht the hotel, and after embracin his wife,

[figure description] Page 164.[end figure description]

a season of religious exercises wuz held. The
clergyman who hed excloosive charge of Davis's
piety doorin the war wuz present, and he offered
prayer. He prayed fervently that the Lord wood
forgive the people of the North for the wrong they
hed done our sainted head; that he wood forgiv, ef
possible, the late head uv the Fedral Government
who hed opposed him and the glorious coz; and ef
Divine mercy could stretch so far, that he wood
forgive the Colonel uv Michigan cavalry wich hed
hunted down the Saint who wuz now in our midst,
and made uv him a captive. He prayed for forgiveness
for the reckless men of the North who
invaded Virginny; for the noosepaper condukters
who had aboozed him who is now with us, and
particklerly Horris Greely, who hed this day, in
some measure, atoned for his previous wickidness.
He prayed that the blessins uv Heven might rest,
first, upon the city uv Richmond, then upon the
balance uv Virginny, and afterward upon the rest
uv the Southern States; and he wound up with a
fervent appeal that the Ethiopians, wich coodent
change their skins, might see the error of their
ways, and return to their normal condishen.

After this the President received his friends.

I am not permitted to give more uv the

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President's plans than this: He will remain in secloosion,
and will take no part watever in politics until after
his final acquittal in November. He don't feel at
liberty to take hold uv the Government, so long ez
ther is even a technikle charge agin him. Our
friends in the Northern States, who expected him
to take the stump in their behalf this fall, will be
disappintid. I return to-morrer to Kentucky.

p633-183 XX.

A Provision for the Ex-President of the Confederacy. —
Mr. Nasby tenders him a Professorship
in his “Institoot.”

[figure description] Page 166.[end figure description]

THE undersined, yoor ardent admirers, who
follerd willinly yoor lead in the late tour the
South took for addishnel rites, wich unfortnitely resultid
in the loss uv sich uv em ez we had, beg leave
to tender yoo, ez a testimony uv their esteem, the
Presidency uv the Ham and Japheth Academy for
the Development uv the Intellek uv all Races, “irrespective
uv race or color,” uv wich I hev the
honor to be one uv the Fakulty.

We worshipt yoo, before your untimely capcher
in female apparel, for the dignity with which you

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bore yourself doorin your prosperous days, your
manliness doorin yoor long and unconstitooshnel incarcerashen
in a Fedral bastile, and your hawty
though silent assershen uv the natral sooperiority
of the Southern man doorin the annoyin perceedings
wich endid in yoor triumfant release from
yoor abasht persecooters, and we feel confident that
in yoor hands the interests uv the Institoot will be
entirely safe.

Many reasons impel us to this course.

First. We assoom that yoo are poor in this
world's goods. Troo, yoo hed oceans uv money
passin thro the Treasury doorin the fratrisidle struggle
forced onto us by the North; but wat chance
hed yoo for steelin, with Benjamin and Mallory,
and them fellows with yoo, who hed the benefit uv
practice doorin Pierce and Bookannon's administrations?
A man coodent make day's wages peculatin
in a Treasury wich them men hed gone
through.

Second. Yoo wood be uv benefit to us. With
yoor name at the head uv our Faculty, the Northern
Democracy would shell out their stamps with a libralty
never before witnest, and the Institoot wood be
endowed heftier than any similar institooshen in
the country. The King's name is a tower uv

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strength. Remember that the Democrisy uv the
North giv the exil Vallandigum $30,000 in ten
cent contribooshens. Ef they'd do that for him,
and sich, wat woodent they doo for yoo? The
greater swallers up the less. There never will be
sich a favorable opportunity for yoo to become a
ten center, wich is trooly equivalent to bein a hed
center.

Ez a matter uv coorse yoo will hev objeckshuns.
Knowin wat they will be, we anser em in advance.

1. The incomplete state uv the Institoot. We
acknowledge that it isn't in sich a state uv completidnis
as we cood desire. Not to put too fine a
pint onto it, it ain't built at all. But the corner-stun
is laid. There's a good deal in that. A corner-stun
is a good thing. The corner-stun uv the
Institoot is laid. From the laying of corner-stuns
great results follow. President Johnson laid a corner-stun
at Chicago, and your release followed. He
didn't get very far into the affeckshuns uv the people
North, but he got yoo out uv Fortress Monroe.
Jist let us fling our banner to the breeze with the
name of “J. Davis” onto it, and how quickly wood
the means to finish the Institoot be forthcomin!
Ah, indeed! Ther wood be tournaments held all
over the South in its behalf. The Knite uv the

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Sore Eyes would tilt agin the Knite of the Cropped
Ears; the Knite uv the Bandy Legs would run a
course and be glorified agin the Knite uv the Released
Cheef, for its benefit, and the Queens uv
Love and Beauty wood bid em, more fervently than
ever before, to lay their fish-poles in rest and run
their course at the Injy Rubber Teething Rings, and
do their devours manfully, in sich a cause. Ther
wood be fairs held in Noo York for this fund, and
C. Chancey Burr and Henry Clay Dean wood deliver
lekters all over the North in its behalf, workin
a double benefit, viz., affordin us a little money,
Burr, clean paper-collars, and Dean, clean socks.
In fact, the coz uv the ill success the Institoot hez
met with thus far, may be found in the fact that ther
hain't bin nobody connected with it but me. The
Southern Democrisy don't take to me kindly coz
they see me every day; the Northern Democrisy
hev no confidence in me becoz they know I wuz
originelly one uv em.

2. Its name, indicatin ez it does, that the institooshen
admits the ijee of Nigger Ekality. This
objeckshen kin be easily ansered. The name wuz,
originelly, the “Southern Military and Classikle
Institoot,” and the title expressed fairly its objects.
That's it yet, and nothin shorter. The change of

[figure description] Page 170.[end figure description]

title was strategy. That change wuz Pickwickian,
in the most comprehensive meanin of the word.
It wuz done for effeck upon the Ethiopian. They
hev votes in the States which supported yoo in your
effort to perpetuate em reliably in their normal
condition, and it wuz deemed necessary to conciliate
em. I need not say wat a trial it wuz for our
people to forego the ecstatic delite uv wallopin uv
em, and wat agony it wuz to be forced, by circumstances
over wich we hed litrally no controle, to
recognize em, even in fun, ez ekals, but we hed to
do it. After they hev voted wunst, and boostid us
into Congress, it is eggstremely probable that a
change will come over the sperit uv their dreems.
After that happy day — Well, State Legislachers
hev yit powers, and States hev yit rites. In breef,
this nigger biznis is an effort to flank John Brown's
sole, which hez bin marchin on for several years.
You hev witnist, no doubt, in your gayer moments,
the sole-inspirin and elevatin performances of
nigger minstrels. Certainly. On the stage they
resembled niggers; after the play wuz over, the
curtain dropped, they washed off the cork, and
went and took their well-earned nips ez white men.
Precisely so. When this little play is over, probably
we may wash off the cork, and ez

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Caucashens assert our rite to be, as uv old, the governin
class.

3. Pay. On this hed nothin definit kin be statid.
Yoo must doo ez I hev done — hev faith, and take
wat comes. I hev hed contribooshens ez low ez
ten cents, and that even in counterfeit postal currency,
wich wuz no objeckshen to it down here,
ez among our people it passes just ez well ez any.
I hev lived on it for some time; the Institoot hez
eked out the livin afforded me by the offis I hold
from the Guvernment. Ef contribooshens should
be insufficient for yoor support, after my livin is
taken out, wat uv it? Is Johnson dead, and does
Wade reign in his stead? Do yoo hev any idee
that he wood let yoo suffer? Is ther not a sinecoor
for yoo ez well ez for me? Is ther a Confedrit
officer, who wood accept it, who is not pervided
with a posishen uv some kind? Hevin pervided
generously for every one uv the principal sufferers
in the late fratrisidal struggle on the Confedrit side,
is it probable that he wood make yoo an excepshen?

I hev ansered all the objections to the place wich
yoo kin urge, and I beg leave to state some uv the
reasons why you shood accept.

A full year intervenes before the meetin uv the

[figure description] Page 172.[end figure description]

Democratic Nashnel Convenshen, and two before
you kin be finally inoggerated. Pendin that event
yoo must go into dignified retirement. It's the regler
thing. Forrest did it, and he succeeded so well in
masterin his nateral proclivities that, ef I remember
ritely, he hez killed but two niggers sence he reverently
folded up the stars and bars. Longstreet
hez did it, Price hez did it, and so hez all uv em.
Lee hez done it better than any uv em. There's
suthin pecoolyerly fittin in the cheeftain uv an
unsuccessful “rebellion,” ez the Northerners call
our struggle for our rites, takin the Presidency uv
a college, in seekin shelter in academic groves, in
trainin the noble young men uv his seckshen, and
instillin into em a more perfeck knowledge uv the
doctrin uv State rites and a higher revrens for Virginny,
a deeper hatrid of ablishnism (wich is all
that a Southern yooth hez a call to know), and a
gittin rifled cannon from a tyranikle government to
teech em artillery practis. That's the dodge for
yoo. We hain't got the academic grove for yoo to
walk pensively in at the twilite hour, a musin
onto the eventful past, but we kin easily move that
corner-stun into one. That corner-stun is ez easily
shifted ez Democracy.

There's another reason why yoo shood do it.

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The edjucashnel interests uv the South shood be
entrusted to them ez knows how to manage em,
and who to edjucate. We don't want it too common.
It's too much power. I know the power
ther is in it. I'm about the only one here who kin
rite — were ther more, it wood hurt my standin.

Look at wat miscellaneous education hez done
for the North! Noo England is a cloud bustin with
educashen. That black cloud hez swept over the
North, and all over that country its drops hev fell
in the shape uv schools, academies, and colleges,
and sich. Consekently, there's no Democracy ther;
and the heavier the shower a locality received the
less Democracy there is. In yoor hands it wood be
safe. Niggers woodent git it, nor poor whites; but
the sons uv the chivalry, uv the dominant race, they
alone wood tread the flowery path with yoo.

We heven't the society at the Cross Roads in
wich yoo hev bin accustomed to move, but wat uv
that? Let it be known what yoo are, and the Democrisy
uv the North will make this a place uv
summer resort, and of winter recreashen. This will
be their Mecca — yours will be the shrine at which
they will come and worship.

Then come. To yoo the Cross Roads opens her
arms, and offers her bosom for yoo to repose onto.

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Come! Erect here yoor alters and yoor fires, ontil
an ashamed nashen bids yoo take the highest place
in its gifts, in reparashen uv the wrong they did to
you two yeers ago.

On behalf uv the Trustees,

p633-192 XXI.

A Vision of the Next World. — Mr. Nasby (in a
Dream) is present in the Lower Regions during
the Consideration of Mr. Greeley's Case.

[figure description] Page 175.[end figure description]

THE Corners wuz in a most pleasant frame uv
mind last Friday nite. So important a event
ez the release uv our saintid Davis cood not be
allowed to go by without commemoratin, and we
accordingly commemoratid. The rejoicins wuz held
at the Church, tho they commenst at Bascom's.
Ez the heftiest part uv the rejoicin hed bin done at
Bascom's, taperin off, ez I may say, at the Church,
the speeches were very short, ef not to the pint.
When, how, or wher it adjourned, I know not. I
wandered orf into the realms uv Morphus in the
middle uv Deekin Pogram's sekondly, and afore I
got back I hed taken a rather long journey.

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I dreamed a very curis dream. Methawt I wuz
in the regions that are populerly supposed to lay
below us. Onto his burnin throne sot Lucifer a
reading the Noo York Triboon, with the most
puzzled expression onto his face I ever witnest.
Laying it down with a sigh, ez tho he hed gone
bumpin onto a stunner wich he cood not comprehend,
he remarkt, sadly, “To biznis!” and demandid
uv his book-keeper the sitooashen of things.
Reports were read to him, wich, in the main,
pleased him. A shade uv sadniss becloudid his
classikle countenance ez the statement that Napoleon
and Bizmark hed made up, but his face illuminatid
serenely ez it was statid that the Christian nashens
hed decidid to let the Turks go on a butcherin the
Cretans, wich wuz replaced with a frown agin when
he wuz informed that there wuz a prospeck uv the
English common people gettin a vote. After goin
thro the rest uv the world, the United States
come in.

“Kentucky,” sed the book-keeper, lookin over a
bundle uv fresh reports, “is all rite. Helm is
electid Governor by a whackin majority, and
McKee and Rice is defeetid.”

“Good!” sed he, fetching his tail down in a
ecstasy uv joy. “The next time I swing around

[figure description] Page 177.[end figure description]

the cirkle I must visit Kentucky. No State does so
well for me with so little uv my assistance. I alluz
like to visit Kentucky. Noo York city is ruther
pleasant, tho it's so near like my own place that I
don't enjoy it much when I'm there. I don't feel
ez tho I'm away from home a visitin. But Kentucky
I love — the people reely charm me. But
go on, wat next?”

“Jeff'son Davis hez bin liberatid by Horris Greeley
becomin his bale. This balein by Greeley, the
reporter stashened at Washington considers a most
momenchus event, and a most happy okkurrence
for yoor majesty.”

“That reporter 's a ass, and don't know the
secret springs wich actooate men. Recall him to-wunst
for making sich a foolish remark.”

“But,” sed the Sekretary, who seemed to me to
be a imp uv some consekence, to be permitted to
argoo with Lucifer hisself, “I consider it uv importance.
Did yoo wish Jeff'son Davis to die in
prizen?”

“Ef yoo wuzn't uv desided yoose to me, hevin
bin a Noo York Alderman, I'd redoose yoo. Want
Jeff'son Davis to die? Not I. I'm not the yooth
wot killed the goose wot laid the golden egg.
He's bin the best recrootin lootenant I ever hed.

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He hez the happy knack uv controllin everybody
he hez anythin to do with, and he turns em all
to'ard me. He rooined Polk, he swampt Pierce,
he sedoost Bookannon, he dazzled Johnson, and he
hez now caught Horris Greeley. But ther wuzn't
any danger uv his dyin in prizen. Men ain't in the
habit uv dyin on panned oysters, briled beefsteak,
and milk toast; they hev a trick uv peggin out
faster on diet suthin the opposite uv that; for instance,
the variety that Jeff'son furnished em at
Andersonville. He wood hev got out any how.
Johnson is, after all, a poor white man, and he
cood bully them uv that class well enuff; but he
felt ashamed uv keeping a real gentleman like Davis
in prizen, and he wood hev releast him.”

“Shel I put Horris down on our books?” askt
the Sekretary, eagerly, dipping his pen into bloo
flame ez Hertzog does in the Black Crook.

“Let us consider!” sed Lucifer, musinly. “Wat
hez he did?”

“Bailed Jeff'son Davis!” returned the Sekretary,
confidently, givin his pen a fresh dip.

“Very good. Horris hez made uv hisself, to
speak figgeratively, a post for a drove uv hogs to
scratch themselves agin. They are scramblin out
uv the slough uv secession in wich they wallered

[figure description] Page 179.[end figure description]

till the droppin out uv the bottom made it dangerous;
they find Horris a standin on the bank, and
agin him they rub their sides to clean off the mud
wich adheres. I speak figgeratively in likenin
Horris to a post; literally in likenin the secesh to
swine. They wuz jest ez senseless and jest ez
crooel. They wuz the wuns afore wich pearls wuz
cast.

“I hev jest finisht his defence of hisself. It's a
curious dokeyment, and puzzles me. I'm disposed
to consider him honest, — but wat a week showin
he makes! First, he sez he's honest, wich is alluz
agin a man, for a trooly honest man kin alluz find
enuff others to say it for him. 2d. He tries to prove
it, wich is very bad, for the honesty wich needs
provin is uv a rather scaly order. He instances his
spilin his chances for the Senit last fall by writin
that universal amnesty letter. Horris, in this matter,
is, I fear, playin ostrich. He hez his hed in the
sand, and, bein blind hisself, fancies the balance uv
his anatomikle strukter, wich ought to be in the
background, ain't visible to the rest uv mankind.
Or, he is reely a loonatic!

“I never hed any idea that he wantid the seat in
the Senit. He wuz in Congress wunst, and the
terrible failure he made ther wood, ef he wuz

[figure description] Page 180.[end figure description]

conscious uv it, hev deterred him from seekin that pertikeler
place agin. Then, ef he wuz reely compus
mentus, he wood hev knowd, or ought to hev
knowd, that he hedn't the ghost uv a chance for
the place, and coodn't hev got it ef he hed written
a letter urgin the hangin of every rebel, from Jeff'son
Davis down to Commodore Hollins. It looks
to me very much like ez ef Horris wuz playin the
old game uv declinin wat hed never bin offered
him. His letter wuz soundin brass and tinklin
cymbals.”

“Shel I enter him or not?” askt the Sekretary.

“It's a curis case,” said Lucifer, not mindin him.
“He hez bin agin me, by spasms, and when he hez
done things wich I could approve, I hev alluz, so
far, entered it up to the account uv loonacy; for I
am pertikler about puttin my claw onto any man
who don't belong to me. I hev a clear rite to every
one I git. This last trick uv his staggers me! Kin
it be that the old man wuz, all along, opposin wrong
and sich, not from any deep-seated dislike to the
artikle, but becoz opposin things wuz his best holt?
Kin it be — hevin bin in the minority all his life,
and found therein profit because it so happened that
the minority wuz rite — that he is now anxious to
git into that fix agin? Does Horris spose, that

[figure description] Page 181.[end figure description]

hevin the strength uv a successful career to back
him, and hevin a hundred thousand more or less,
who are in the habit uv readin him — the people
will follow him through the stinkin slums uv error
jest ez lively ez they did over the breezy hills uv
trooth? Hez his vanity got the better uv his discretion
at last? Hev the hangers-on, wich alluz puff
incense into the face uv success, been burnin hasheesh
afore him, and hez it intossicatid him? Is he,
at his advanced age, in imitashen uv Sut Lovingood's
daddy, goin to play hoss, forgittin the hornet's
nest into wich his great exemplar plunged?”

“Shel I put him down or not?” askt the Sekretary
agin, rather impatiently.

“No!” replied Lucifer, drawin hisself up decisively.
“Ef he splits up the Ablishnists, we shel
be so deep in his debt that he will deserve to git
clear uv us. Ez it is, he hez done enuff to entitle
him to our gratitood. He hez restored Jeff'son
Davis to me; he hez even enlarged his field uv usefulnis.
He is a demonstratin the theory that there
ain't no sich thing ez treason, and ez a matter uv
course, that there ain't bin no crime committed by
my friend Davis's friends. Ez Horris is establishin
the fact that the war agin my friends in the South
wuz unjustifiable, I shoodent be surprised ef the

[figure description] Page 182.[end figure description]

next thing he does, in order that justis may be done,
will be to insist that their niggers be returned to
em. After all, I speckt that's wat he's drivin at.
Now that slavery's abolisht, I bleeve he'd like to
hev it restored, that he may hev suthin to do. His
okkepashen's gone. He's short uv a subjict now.
His pen hez bin so used to writin slavery! slavery!
slavery! — that he's reely at sea now that he kin
write it no more. He wants that joocy old sin set
up for him to batter at agin. He wants Lovejoy
shot over agin, and bleedin Kansas to be repeetid.
Wat's a perfessional Reformer ef ther ain't nothin
to reform? Wat's a corn doctor in a country wher
they wear big boots? No! let him go. He's shoor
uv punishment enuff any how. He's a Universlist,
a doctrine the mistake of wich he'll diskiver some
day; but he's very likely to realize his ijee uv punishment
on earth, for Wendell Phillips is after him,
and wat wuss can he suffer? Set this last act uv
his'n down ez honesty streakt with loonacy; or
ruther, the loonacy bein the biggest, ez loonacy
streakt with honesty, and leave him out — Go on
with the reports. Where's Davis now? and particulerly,
where's Johnson? Ef he does anythin agin
me, he does it thro mistake. Keep track uv Johnson;
don't let — ”

[figure description] Page 183.[end figure description]

At this pint I wuz aroused by somebody shakin
me. It wuz Bascom. It wuz 8 o'clock, and ez I
had not bin over for my mornin bitters, in wich
dooty I'm very regler, the good man hed gone out
in search uv me. How pleasant 'tiz to have somebody
to care for yoo, even ef ther solisitood springs
from a ten-cent motive.

p633-201 XXII.

A Faithful Account of the Trip to Raleigh,
including the Discussion before the Start.

[figure description] Page 184.[end figure description]

I ACCOMPANIED the President to Rawly.
The President doesn't feel safe at goin anywhere
without me to arrange the details, and do
the nice financeerin wich is necessary.

The Rawly trip wuz the occasion of a serious
truble in the Kabinet. The President wuz in favor
uv it. Ez he sed, he wuz essenshelly uv a filial
persuasion. He hed alluz experienced a most consoomin
love for his parents, pertickelerly for them
on his father's side. He hed swung around the
entire cirkle uv offishel honor, and hed found traitors
on all sides; but he could lay his hand on his
heart and say that he hed never knowd a troo man
but who, at some period of his life, hed a father.

[figure description] Page 185.[end figure description]

Why, then, should we not honor our fathers? How
could it be better dun than by layin corner-stuns?
His father deceest in 1812, and it wuz time that
this dooty was attended to. Besides, at this crysis
in the affairs of the country, with Wilson and Kelly
a snortin through the South, he felt it wood be a
good thing to show ourselves.

Seward felt that it wuz well to go. Filial love
wuz charmin. Shakspeer, who wuz ez justly celebrated
ez a dramatist ez one he cood menshun wuz
for diplomatic telegraffin, remarkt, “How sharper
nor a serpent's tooth it is to hev a thankless child,”—
the truth of which he hed experienced, ez he hed
been styled the father uv the Republican party: but
that wuz not to the pint. It is the dooty uv every
son to lay corner-stuns. In this case it wood, perhaps,
hev been more creditable hed it been dun
fifty years ago; but wat difference is it? It is natral
ez we are about being gathered to our fathers, that
we shood remember em. Besides, he hed a little
speech wich he felt he'd like to deliver. He wanted
to bear testimony to the patriotism uv the son uv
Jacob Johnson — particularly to our colored brethren
in North Carliny, who hev bin listenin to Kelly
and Wilson.

Randall didn't bleeve in it at all. He made bold

[figure description] Page 186.[end figure description]

to say that ez the deceast Johnson hed slept without
a corner-stun for fifty-five years, he'd manage to git
along a while longer. It wuz rather late in the day.
He bleeved in feelin sorrowful over the decease uv
our relatives, but he didn't go much on doin it fifty-five
years after date. It wuz too much like bustin
into tears over the suffrins uv the last illness uv yer
wife's great grandmother. The speeches he didn't
bleeve in at all. He hed seen some uv it — he hed
accompanied one toor uv the kind. He hed bin on
it. He wuz at Cleveland, at Indianapolis, and
Springfield, Illinoy. He begged to be excoosed.
He didn't keer about tailin sich a kite agin. Ef
the people uv the South shood receive us ez corjelly
ez the people uv the North did, he preferred to consult
his feelins and be absent. He wuz a sensitive
plant, and disliked sum things. Ef his memory
served him rite, the demonstrashens coodent be considered
flatterin. The people didn't fling dead cats
at us, but they did wuss. Ef they wuz cold, they
wuz rather too cold. Ef they wuz in a volatile
humer, they wuz rather too lively. He hed about
made up his mind that it wuzn't uv any yoose to
fite it out on that line ef it took all summer. Success
is a dooty; but when success is ez impossible
ez water in the great Sahara, wat's the yoose?

[figure description] Page 187.[end figure description]

Wherefore struggle? Let us go slow, draw our salaries
to the end uv our 'spective terms, and so live
that wen the summons comes to jine the innoomerable
caravan that moves out uv Washington to'ards
their 'spective homes, we go not like the dusty slave
at nite, wat's bet his all on two pair, but soothed
and sustained by wat we saved, — go like one who's
got the wherewithal to live. It wuz a source uv
comfort to him to know that the worst uv men wuz
soon forgotten. Who ever speeks uv Tyler, or Peerce,
or Bukanon, now? Benedict Arnold is only spoken
uv on Fourth uv Julys, and Judis Iskariot on Sundays.
It will be so with us in time, for wich thank
the Lord.

But it was determined to go, and I was sent to
Rawly to find where the grave uv the honored
father of our honored President was reely locatid,
and to make sich other arrangements ez the eggsigencies
uv the case demanded, wich I did. I hed
difficulty in locatin the grave, and ain't jest shoor
that I found the right one. The people uv Rawly
wuz anxshus to hev it come off, ez trade was dull
in the retail line; and for fear that I wood report
that the grave coodent be found, and thus nip their
budding hopes, they giv me the choice uv sum twelve

[figure description] Page 188.[end figure description]

or fifteen. Selectin the most eligible, I made the
uther arrangements and returned.

The eggscurzion contrasted very favorably with the
one we took last fall. The people receeved uz at
every stashen with the most affectin demonstrashuns
uv luv. “Johnson! Johnson! Johnson!” they yelled
at each stopping-place, wich sounded sweeter in
his ears and mine than the damnable iterashun of
“Grant! Grant! Grant!” wich greetid us at every
pint North. The President wuz sorry he hedn't
takin Grant with him, to show him that ef he wuz
the most popular in sum localities, we hed the
hearts uv the people in uthers. But ther wuz drawbax
to our enjoyment. No sooner wood the President
commence, “Fellow-citizens!” than Randall
wood pull the bell-rope, and off the trane wood
start. He wuz determined that the President
shouldent speek, wich put me to a grate deal uv
trouble, ez after we arrived I hed to write out and
telegraph to the papers the speeches the President
wood hev made.

At Rawley, General Battles welcomed the Presidential
party, and the President responded. He
remarked that in Rawley he first opened his tender
eyes, a penniless boy. Here is the scenes uv his
childhood; here is everything to bind man to his

[figure description] Page 189.[end figure description]

fellow, and to associate him with that with wich he
is associated; here is where the tenderness uv heart
hev taken holt upon everything to wich it hez attached
itself. But he was wandrin from his subjick.
His mind went back to the day he left this
city a penniless boy. Where is them wich he left
behind him? He begged to inquire where is the
scenes uv his childhood? Where's the Haywoods?

“Killed at Antietam!” shouted a returned Confedrit.
“I wuz by William's side when he wuz
shot.”

“Where is the Hunters?”

“Running a distillery at Waxhall Court 'ouse,”
sed this same fellow, who thot the President really
wantid to know. He wuz choked down, and the
President proceeded: —

“Wher is the Roysters and the Smithses, the
Brownses and the Joneses? Wher is the long list
of men that lived at that day, and who, like me,
command respeck for constancy of devoshen? I
feel proud of this demonstrashen — I feel proud of
any demonstrashen. Ez alloosion hez bin made to
my boyhood days, when I wuz a penniless boy, I
may say here, ez pertinent to that subjeck, that I
hev adhered to the fundamental principles uv the
gov'ment, and to the flag and Constooshen. But

[figure description] Page 190.[end figure description]

to return to my subjeck. When I went out from
among yoo a penniless boy, I adoptid the Constooshen
ez my guide, and by them I have allus bin
guided. To the young I would say that they will
be safe in takin me ez a model. Leavin here a penniless
boy, it is not for me to say whether or not I
hev succeeded. I am no longer a penniless boy,
nor is them wich are round me. Mrs. Cobb ain't
a penniless boy; nor is — But this is a wanderin
from the subjeck. For the encouragement uv the
young men afore me, I wood say, that I hev enjoyed
all I care about. I am no aspirant for nothing, and
therefore the way I now open for em. All places
uv honor is now before em. I thank you for this
corjel welcom. North Caroliny sent me out a penniless
boy, and did not afford me sich advantages ez,
considerin my merits, I ought to hev hed; yet I luv
her. It's better ez it wuz. Goin out a penniless boy,
and returnin after holdin every offis, from Alderman
uv my adoptid village up to President, shows my
qualities to much better advantage than ef I hedn't
gone out a penniless boy. I thank you for this
tribute to my many good qualities.”

And he startid to go down, when Randall whispered
suthin in his left ear.

Risin promptly, and drawin out his hankerchief,

[figure description] Page 191.[end figure description]

the President assoomed a look uv subdood greef,
and resoomed.

“I hev come among yoo to participate in the
dedicashen uv a monument to a man which yoo
all loved, tho it hez taken suthin like fifty yeers for
yoo to diskiver it. He wuz poor and humble, wich
akkounts for my goin from among yoo a penniless
boy; but uv him I am proud, — for hed it not been
for him, I woodent hev returned the shinin example
to yoor young men wich I am.”

The corner-stun wuz laid, and the monument set
on it. It is uv red limestone, ten foot high. It's
ez good a ten foot uv stun respeck ez there is in
North Carliny. Ez the monument was elevatid,
there wuz the appropriate speeches, and then my
little arrangements cum in. A nigger woman I hed
took with us from Washington rushed for'ard, and
sed, “Bress de Lord, I'ze bin a waitin for dis day
to see de President, — OUR President!” at which a
squad of niggers I'd picked up and drilled, hollered
“'Ror!”

This little affectin sceen over, two quadroons,
wich I'd also bro't with us in a privit car, cum
for'ard with a expression of profound greef, at wich
the President wept, and tenderly slung bokays uv

[figure description] Page 192.[end figure description]

the choicest flowers we cood buy in Washington,
upon the tomb.

It wuz reely a techin tabloo. The ancient nigger
woman a holdin the President's hand; the young
quadroons a slingin the bokays; the President with
his head bowed, apparently a dreamin uv the days
uv his boyhood; me with an expression uv thankfulness
that the niggers hed at last recognized their
Moses; Seward with a saintly smile on his face;
Welles tryin to look ez near like Seward as possible,
but failin miserably to look like anything but
the eggrejis old ass he is, and Randall with his
handkercher to his eyes ez ef onmanned by the
movin sceen, but keepin one eye cocked over the
handkercher to see how it took among the niggers.
It wuz a sceen easier to be imagined than described.

Ther wuz several incidents which occurred wich
did not appear in the telegraph. When his Excellency
wuz speekin uv himself, and remarkt that his
race wuz nearly run, a unregenerated nigger yelled
out “Tank de Lord!” And when the quadroons
wuz a strewin flowers on the grave uv His Excellency's
father, I observed rather more titterin among
the niggers than I approved uv on so sollum an
occasion. I askt Randall what he thought of the

[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]

[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]

[figure description] Page 193.[end figure description]

spekelashen, and his answer, “It don't pay!” struck
me ez havin a vane uv trooth running through it.

On our return, the President wuz allowed to speek
more, for Randall got tired of watching him. We
returned in good health, and some uv us in good
spirits. Seward feels well, for he hez an abidin
faith that the mere showin uv hisself alluz hez an
effeck for good upon the people, and ez a matter uv
course Seckretary Welles thinks so to.

p633-213 XXIII.

The Boston Excursion. — An Account of the
Preparatory Discussion. — The Start, and the
Progress up to the beginning of the Masonic
Festivities.

[figure description] Page 194.[end figure description]

THE Raleigh trip scarcely over, His Serene
Highness determined upon acceptin the Boston
invitashen. His corjel recepshen in North Karliny
give him a sort uv appetite for popler applause,
and he determined upon tryin it in the North agin.
At the Cabinet meetin held to discuss the question,
Seward expressed a desire to go. Welles follered
Seward; but Randall, who, sence the decease of
Sir Isik Newton, is considered the strongest man
connected with the Administrashen, and therefore
assooms diktatorial airs, opposed it.

“But,” sed Johnson, “I feel ez though I must
make one more effort to save our errin Southren
brethren.”

[figure description] Page 195.[end figure description]

“Mr. President,” retortid Randall, “I recently
went to raise a corner-stun to the memry uv yoor
lamentid father, who deceest in 1812, onto wich
wuz engraved these words: —

`Jacob Johnson; died from the Effex uv a Disease
superindoost by a over Effort to save his
Friends from drownin.'

“Now, ef yoo persist in yoor loonacy, I shel be
compelled, after a time, in my quiet Wisconsin
home, where an appreciative constitooency will
permit me to forever stay, to indite an epitaff for
the corner-stun over your politikle grave, wich I
shel do thus: —

`Hic jacet Andrew Johnson,
Who died from the Effex uv a Disease sooperindoost
by over Effort in a great many Attempts to
save his Politikle Friends from bein strangled.

`Poskript. — The Friends wuzn't wuth the
savin.'

“But upon sekond thot I've no objeckshun to this
toor. Yoo kin do us no damage ef yoo deliver only
sich speeches ez we determine upon before hand.

[figure description] Page 196.[end figure description]

Yoo go thro Delaware, which is ourn; Noo Gersey
yoo've bin thro wunst, and they know wat to expect;
New York will give a enthoosiastic recepshun ef
Morrisy and Wood will take holt uv it, — Seward,
telegraff em, — and in Connecticut yoor certain uv a
corjel resepshen. That State is full uv demoralized
Yankee Dimocrats, who hev bin out to Michigan,
and left there all ther Puritanism, bringin back with
em, in its stead, all the cussidnis indigenous to that
soil, wich cussidness, grafted onto ther natral cutenis,
makes em rather enterprisin in ther worthlisnis.
In Boston itself, the prospeck is good. There'll be
a immense crowd present to dedicate the Masonik
Temple, wich we shell claim the credit uv bringin,
ez we did the throngs which come to see us on the
toor north, but wich wood persist in hollerin `Grant!'
The trooly good men uv Boston are Ablishnists; but
there's some thousands wich want offices, and them,
with a sprinklin uv Demokrats and Conservatives,
ought to make us a handsome recepshen. There is
yet men in Boston who used to return fugitive slaves,
and ther is besides the eminently respectable gentlemen
who are so conservative that they hold onto
sin becoz it's old and established by precedent, and
so aristocratic that they won't do right, jist becoz
doin rite is a quite common thing in that secksun;

[figure description] Page 197.[end figure description]

who hold onto the cote-tale uv progress, and holler
`Stop!' and who, ef they tie theirselves to a good
cause, load it down with their dignity. Like the
2d Lootenants uv '61, their baggage is worth mor'n
they are. But the trip won't hurt us. You can't
make the Ablishnists more Ablishn, and them ez
foller us for the loaves and fishes we dispense, wood
still foller us, ef the road we took led ez strate
through perdishen ez a pigeon wood fly. It may be
that it's the method by wich we shel finally carry
Noo England. Pope sez, —

“Now, ef we follered the poet no further, we shood
never go, but each one wood keep ez close in his
respective apartment ez possible. But, knowin mankind,
he goes on: —

“That's it. We must be seen too oft. We must
make em familiar with our face. Ef we stay long
enuff, I don't despair uv seein Boston givin yoo an
ovashen, and seein yoo locked in the arms uv Wendell
Phillips. Ef they commence pityin you, the
reackshen will take them to the embracin, and it

[figure description] Page 198.[end figure description]

seems ez though they ought to be at that pint by
this time. And then ef yoo make this toor, and say
nothing ideotik, the very novelty uv it will direct
attention from wat we've desided to do with Sheridan,
Sickles, Pope, et al. It will bewilder the
people.”

And so it wuz desided to go. Thro Delaware
the resepshens wuz all that we desired, and in Maryland
the people come in crowds to greet us; tho the
cheers partook so much uv the nacher uv the cheerful
yells wich the Confedrit soljers employed when
they charged, that Sekretary Seward's nerves wuz
somewat shockt. Ez Philadelphy didn't offer us the
hospitalities uv the city, we didn't stop ther at all.
The train run around it, the President's nose bein
elevatid all the time ez tho he smelt suthin. When
it had finally passed, Mr. Randall announst the fact,
and the Presidenshel face assoomed its yoosual
benine expression ez we glided into the sacred soil
uv Noo Gersey.

In Noo York, Morrissy hed done his part. Ther
wuz spectable bodies uv cheerers at the pints agreed
upon, and, ez they hed bin paid librally, the spontaneous
enthoosiasm wuz ez good in quality ez it
wuz large in quantity. Occasionally a cheerer,
wich hed taken too much uv his wages in advance,

[figure description] Page 199.[end figure description]

wood yell for Jeff'son Davis, but it wuzn't notist.
It didn't mar the pleasant uniformity uv the proceedins,
or strike anybody ez bein singler. They
tried terrible hard to get a speech out uv us, and
the President wuz willin; but Randall, seein that
the Herald and Triboon hed reporters present, supprest
him, and got him off to bed comparatively
sober, and very early.

Arrivin at Boston, I wuz surprized at the length,
depth, and breadth uv the enthoosiasm wich greeted
us. Ez ef to show ther greef at the death uv Presidents,
we notist everywhere the portraits of our predecessor,
Linkin, draped in mournin, at wich the
President dropt a tear, sayin, “See how they mourn
us wen we're everlastinly gone!” Ther wuz a sort
uv subdood enthoosiasm, a kind uv half-mournin
gladnis, ef I may say so, wich wuz gratifyin.

We wuz receeved by Gov'nor Bullock, whose
speech wuz a noble triboot to the President. “I
welcome yoo,” sed he, “to Massachoosits. Many
Presidents hev visited Noo England, and this visit,
like theirn, excites devoshen to the Yoonion, and
respeck for them, wich, in their offishel posishen,
respeck the government uv the whole country. Our
desire is to manifest our regard for those who, in
offishel capacity, respeck the Nashnel Yoonion,

[figure description] Page 200.[end figure description]

wich is to say, we respeck the Nashnel Yoonion.
I trust the President will stay long enuff to enable
us to manifest our high regard for — (here the President's
face brightened up) YOOR OFFIS! (the President
turned frightfully red, wich Bullock, whose
principles wuz a rasslin a back holt with his politeness,
notist, and he added) — AND TO YOO, PERSONALLY!”

Ez them last words ishood slowly and despritly,
the President's face lighted up. He tendered him
thanks for the resepshun. He woodent undertake
to conceel emoshens which agitated him at this personel
welcome upon the soil uv Massachoosits. It
wuzn't necessary for him to go into the histry uv
Massachoosets ez he wuz in the habit uv doin
further South, ez those afore him wuz probably ez
familyer with it ez he wuz; but he wood ashoor
em, for their encouragement, that the histry uv Massachoosits,
in conneckshn with the histry uv these
States, hez become a part uv the histry uv the country;
and therefore, in visitin Massachoosits under
sich pekoolyer circumstances, it is pekoolyerly gratifyin
to receeve sich a welcome. In regard to yoor
remarks tetchin the preservashen uv these States, I
trust I may say without egotism, a vice wich I hev
never bin accused uv, and from wich I may say no

[figure description] Page 201.[end figure description]

one is more singlerly free than myself, I yield to no
patriot, livin or dead, in my devoshen, to that purpose.
I dislike speekin, ez I kin trooly say that I
am not loquashus; but when trooth, wich I love,
and the coz uv humanity, wich I tie to, is at stake,
I hev spoke. I may say, without egotism, that I
live for principle; and I thank the people uv Massachoosits,
wich my visit hez drawd to Boston, for the
outburst uv regard wich greets me. Without egotism
I may say, that it's a outburst ekalled by few
and excelled by none ever given a President in the
Yoonited States or elsewhere; and it is my prayer
that comin in contact with me will do the people
uv Boston good. Yoor remarks, not referrin direckly
to me, on the Rooshn purchis, and a more
economical collecshin uv the internal revenue, also
meets my corjel approbashen, lovin ez I do my common
country.”

Randall pulled at his coat-tale, when the President
remarkt that he might say, without egotism,
that he didn't desire to make a speech, and stopt.
We brought him off in comparatively good order.

We stopt at the Tremont House. It is a good
hotel, and the waiters are ez they ought to be, niggers.
It's soothin to a troo Dimekrat to be waited
on by a nigger. Yoo kin damn a nigger waiter,

[figure description] Page 202.[end figure description]

but put a white man in that posishen and yoo feel
a delicacy about it. When we retired, the President
insisted that I shood sleep lyin across the doorway
uv his room.

“Why?” asked I.

“I am in Boston,” replied he, “wher they stun
the prophets. Boston dislikes me. Boston wears
to-day a smilin face; but wot kind uv a hart does
that smilin face conceal? Sumner lives in Boston,
and so does Phillips. In Boston they elect niggers
to the Legislacher, and are tryin to stop the sale uv
whiskey. Wot kind uv a place is that for a Dimekratic
President to trust hisself into? Yoo sleep
across my doorway, and ef a band uv Ablishnists,
deemin me their foe, shood strive to enter, they
wood hev to first sheath their daggers in yoor body.
Meanwhile I wood escape, and continyoo to live
for my lovd country. You cood, by preparin beforehand
a few impressive last words, make a gorjus
death uv it, and do the coz good. For instance, ez
Sumner stuck yoo, yoo cood gasp, “Slay me, but
spare A. J., the hope uv the Republic.” Or, ez
Wilson struck yoo down with a bludgeon, yoo mite
exclaim, “I die willinly for the Constitooshen with
36 stars onto it.” Any little quotashen from any uv
my speeches, joodiciously throwd in under sich

[figure description] Page 203.[end figure description]

circumstances, wood do good. Yoo will sleep ther
to-night; and remember, in case you are called upon
to die, the proper quotashens.”

Seward concurred, but Randall objectid. He
didn't anticipate any sich danger. Ef Boston wants
to git rid uv the President, they hev a shorter way
than assassinashen. Rash politishuns only assassinate
them wich they can't find cause to impeach.
But he wuzn't afraid uv Boston. We stood a better
chance uv dying of excessive hospitality in Boston
than uv bein stabbed. Our stomachs mite protrude
in Boston, but our bowels never. Boston wood feast
us, for ther are enuff men in Boston who want posishen
to keep us a goin a year or two. He feared
dyspepsia more than daggers, and hed no fears uv
the wine bein pizened.

Nevertheless, I wuz forst to sleep in that posishen,
wich I did, wakin up in the mornin ez sore and stiff
ez a plow-hoss. I don't know how far the trip will
be extended.

p633-223 XXIV.

Mr. Nasby dreams a Dream, caused, probably, by
the New England Atmosphere which he was
breathing: Prefaced by some few Incidents of
the Visit of his Grand Seigneur to Boston.

[figure description] Page 204.[end figure description]

I HEV alluz hed an incorrect idea uv Boston.
I sposed Boston to be strate-laced, moral to a
degree not to be understood by a Dimocrat, and
Puritanicle. I wuz mistaken. Ther is ez heavy a
per cent. uv men in whom His Eggslency and I kin
take delite ez ther is in any city in the country, ez
the followin incidents, which came under my notice,
will show: —

Ez we wuz a goin through Franklin Street, a man
stepped up to the carriage rather hesitatinly.

“Mr. President,” sed he.

“Well,” sed His Eggslency, turnin full upon
him.

[figure description] Page 205.[end figure description]

The site uv the nose uv the Step Father uv his
Country reashured him.

“Mr. President, wood yoo like some punch?”

“Punch! Certainly. But hevn't yoo suthin
stronger, to lay a foundashen with?”

“Certinly!” and he pulled a bottle uv brandy
from his right hind-pocket, and the great man took
an observashen uv the sky thro the bottom uv it,
wich lasted a minnit. I never agin will doubt that
the material to make Democrisy uv exists in a country
where they come at yoo with punch, and hev
brandy bottles in their coat-pockets.

Bokays were showered upon us. One old gentleman,
who sot two hours in a chair waitin to present
us with his, finally histed it at us. The fact that
ther wuz a note in it askin fur a posishen fur the
genrous giver, don't detract anything from the valyoo
uv the gift. When we got to the end uv our trip
there wuz a dray-load uv bokays in our carriage,
and in all but three uv em wuz tied-up recommendashens
for the givers for places. It is better to hev
sich missives enveloped in roses, though the most
thorns we git ain't got roses round em.

The most techin incident was the number uv
babies we hed to kiss. The mothers pressed to
our carriage-steps to present their offsprings.

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Mistakin me for the President, I kisst half uv em.
The rapcherus expreshun on the upturned faces
uv the anxshus mothers affected the President to
teers, showin, ez it did, the confidence reposed in
him.

“Whisht, Teddy!” sed one uv em, “and howld
yer mug up fer the man to kiss who doesn't kiss the
dirthy nagers!”

“Musha, Phelim, be still. The Presidint, bless
his sowl, won't bite ye!”

“Lind me yer apurn, Peggy, to wipe Terry's face
wid. The Prisidint must kiss the darlin. 'Taint
ivery Prisidint wood do the loike.”

And the President kissed, and I kissed, till our
lips wuz sore.

Sich is position.

That nite I received a letter from Deekin Pogram,
in wich he desired me to ascertain whether or no
there wuz eny bottom to the Northern Dimocrisy.
Captain McPelter sed the Northern Dimocrisy wuz
strong enuff to carry us uv Kentucky throo, while
Pollock, the Illinoyer, swore the Northern Dimocrisy
hed a considerable more to do to carry themselves
than they hed bin able to accomplish for some
time — that in a pullin match a corpse wuzn't uv
much akkount, ef it wuz a big one. With this

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letter in my hand I fell asleep, and while asleep,
dreemed.

Methawt I wuz in Noo Orleans at a gathrin uv
the Faithful, who wuz called together for the purpose
of considrin wat to do. Sum few — Longstreet,
Gov. Brown, and Jeff. Thompson — wuz in
favor uv submission, and hed got the majority uv
the Southern people to agree with em that ther wuz
no yoose uv further resistance, and they wuz jist
about to so declare, when Vallandigham, Ben Wood,
Toucey, Morrissey, Voorhees, and a score or two
more uv that kind, rushed in and begged uv em to
hold out. “Why submit?” sed Vallandigham.
“We'll sustain yoo. The Northern Dimocrisy is
a giant wich kin yet pertect yoo. He's in his prime,
and strong enuff yit to carry yoo throo twice the
troubles wich threatens yoo. Depend onto us —
we'll carry yoo.”

And the Southerners whopped over to their side
and yelled fiercely, “No submission!” and immejitly
the entire bilin uv em startid North with these
men, to ascertain the strength and carryin capacity
uv the Northern Dimocrisy. Methawt the party
travelled and travelled until finally they come to a
vast plain in Kentucky, onto wich wuz extendid
prostrate the form uv a Giant. It was a Giant,

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immense in statoo, but emaciated to the last degree.
His limbs hed bin strong, his teeth terrible, and his
trunk massive; but it wuz plane to see that he wuz
pegged out, and a look at its face showed why it
wuz so. Dissipation had redoost him to helplessnis.
His face wuz bloatid and bloo, his eyes wuz sot and
ghastly, his chest was holler and sunken, his legs
like pipe-stems, and ulcers, boils, sores, broozes, and
contooshens kivered him from head to foot, and he
drawd his breath with a effort.

He lay a groanin and a groanin. Randall wuz
a tenderly feedin him out uv a huge bottle, labelled
“Appintments,” which appeared to give him temprary
strength; but the effect of that wuz lost by
President Johnson's dosin him with an offensiv
smellin mixter, labelled “Policy,” every swaller uv
wich wood throw him into a spasm. Gov. English
was rubbin one arm with a liniment Randall gave
him, and hed succeeded in gettin up a little circulation
in it.

“Wat is this?” askt the Southerners.

“Northern Dimocrisy!” sed English, rubbin
away vigrously.

“Is this the Giant which is to carry us?” said
the Southern gentlemen, viewin the disgustin objick
doubtfully.

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