Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1866], Divers views, opinions, and prophecies of yoors trooly, Petroleum V. Nasby. (R. W. Carroll & Co., Cincinnati) [word count] [eaf631T].
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Front matter
Covers, Edges and Spine
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Preliminaries
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Hic Fructus Virtutis; Clifton Waller Barrett
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Title Page
NASBY.
DIVERS VIEWS, OPINIONS,
AND
Prophecies
OF
Lait Paster uv the Church of the Noo Dispensashun
WITH HUMOROUS DESIGNS BY THEE JONES.
CINCINNATI:
R. W. Carroll & Co., Publishers,
JOS. L. TOPHAM & CO., General Agents,
(Opera-House Building.)
1866.
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Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by
R. W. CARROLL & CO.,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern
District of Ohio.
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DEDIKASHEN.
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TO THAT STERLIN PATRYOT AND UNKORRUPTIBLE CHRISCHEN GENTLEMAN,
FERNANDYWOOD, uv Noo York;
TO THAT HI-TONED MAN AND WOOL-DIED DIMEKRAT,
FRANKLIN PEERSE, uv Noo Hampshire;
TO THAT LONG-SUFFRIN BUT PASHENT DIMEKRAT,
JESSE D. BRITE, uv Injeany,
Whose highest recommendashun is that he wuz eckspelled frum a Ablishn Senit, but
who wood hev resined hed ther ever bin a presedent for a Dimekrat resinin;
AND TO THE GRATE
VALLANDIGUM, uv Ohio,
Who went to the stake with a kamness onparrallelled, fer prinsipple,
These Book
IS RESPECTFULLY DEDIKATED,
BY
THE ORTHER.
Saint's Rest, (which is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,)
November the 1st, 1865.
Preliminaries
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PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S INDORSEMENT OF NASBY.
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The subjoined account of President Lincoln's high appreciation
of the wit and humor of Nasby was contributed to the
New York Independent, by F. B. Carpenter, Esq., the artist,
who enjoyed the confidence of our late lamented Chief Magistrate,
and whose reminiscences have an authenticity entitling
them to implicit credit. Mr. Carpenter says:
“The Saturday evening before President Lincoln left Washington, to
go to the front, just previous to the capture of Richmond, I was with
him from seven o'clock till nearly twelve. It had been a very hard
day with him. The pressure of office-seekers was greater at this juncture
than I ever knew it to be, and he was almost worn out. Among
the callers that evening was a party composed of a Senator, a Representative,
an ex-Lieutenant Governor of a Western State, and several
private citizens. They had business of great importance, involving
the necessity of the President's examination of voluminous documents.
Pushing every thing aside, he said to one of the party, `Have you seen
the Nasby Papers?' `No, I have not,' was the answer. `Who is Nasby?'
`There is a chap out in Ohio,' returned the President, `who has been
writing a series of letters in the newspapers over the signature of Petroleum
V. Nasby. Some one sent me a pamphlet collection of them
the other day. I am going to write to “Petroleum” to come down here,
and I intend to tell him if he will communicate his talent to me, I will
swap places with him!' Thereupon he arose, went to a drawer in his
desk, and taking out the `letters,' he sat down and read one to the
company, finding in their enjoyment of it the temporary excitement
and relief which another man would have found in a glass of grog!
The instant he had ceased, the book was thrown aside, his countenance
relapsed into its habitual serious expression, and the business was entered
upon with the utmost earnestness.”
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CONTENTS.
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NUMBER
PAGE
I. —How he came to be a Democrat 25
II. —Wingert's Corners Secedes 28
III. —Negro Emigration 31
IV. —Oad to Peece 34
V. —Has an Interview with Vallandigham 36
VI. —Proposes to Celebrate the Fourth 40
VII. —Annihilates an Oberlinite 43
VIII. —Makes a Candidate “uv Hisself” 46
IX. —Shows why he should not be Drafted 52
X. —In Canada 54
XI. —Is finally Drafted 57
XII. —Deserts—His Experience in Clothes 60
XIII. —Captures a Turkey 65
XIV. —Improves his Fortunes by Marriage 68
XV. —Converses with a Southern Soldier 70
XVI. —At Home 73
XVII. —Assists Draft Resisters 76
XVIII. —Strategises 79
XIX. —Addresses the Soldiers 81
XX. —Organizes a Democratic Church 84
XXI. —Goes on with his Church 87
XXII. —“Capcherd” 90
XXIII. —Starts a Paper 93
XXIV. —Preaches and makes a Sudden Shift 96
XXV. —Observes a Day of Fasting 99
XXVI. —Visits Vallandigham 102
XXVII. —Converses with a Brother 107
XXVIII. —Confession of Faith 110
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XXIX. —Preaches—Subject: “Givin” 113
XXX. —Visits Camp Dennison to Electioneer for Vallandigham 116
XXXI. —In the “Apossel Biznis” 119
XXXII. —Waileth 122
XXXIII. —“Changes his Base” 125
XXXIV. —Has an Interview with the President 128
XXXV. —Preaches 132
XXXVI. —Proposes to Restore the Union 136
XXXVII. —A Plan for the Salvation of the Democratic Party 139
XXXVIII. —Takes a Retrospective View 142
XXXIX. —Communes with Spirits 145
XL. —Tries an Experiment 149
XLI. —Addresses Jefferson Davis 152
XLII. —Establishes African Slavery 155
XLIII. —Opposes the Nomination of a Military Man 159
XLIV. —Preaches—Subject: “The Prodigal Son” 163
XLV. —Dreams 167
XLVI. —Tries to Awaken an Interest 172
XLVII. —Recommends Unanimity 176
XLVIII. —Again Repudiates McClellan, and Reasons Therefor 179
XLIX. —Ordains a Missionary 182
L. —Will Support McClellan 186
LI. —Gives Thanks 189
LII. —Waileth 192
LIII. —Fremont's Nomination 195
LIV. —Nominates a Ticket 198
LV. —Addresses Jefferson Davis 200
LVI. —On the Return of Vallandigham 203
LVII. —Defines his Position, and Appeals for Aid 206
LVIII. —Declares for Repudiation and Union with the South 210
LIX. —Shows that a War Platform won't do for the Democracy 213
LX. —Has a Class Meeting and Deprecates Negro Killing 216
LXI. —Starts a Society of his Own 219
LXII. —Indorses the Nomination 222
LXIII. —The Candidates and Platform 226
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LXIV. —Waileth Muchly 230
LXV. —Despondent 233
LXVI. —Lamenteth 235
LXVII. —The Planter's Lament 238
LXVIII. —Has a Dream 240
LXIX. —Loses a Friend, and Writes his Obituary 244
LXX. —Issues an “Appele” 248
LXXI. —Has a Difficulty with his Flock and Leaves it 252
LXXII. —Ye Lament of Joseph Bowers 255
LXXIII. —Takes a Retrospective View 262
LXXIV. —Deprecates the Arming of the Slaves by the South 266
LXXV. —Has a Frightful Dream 269
LXXVI. —Proposes the Emigration of the Democracy 272
LXXVII. —Consults the Spirits 276
LXXVIII. —“Waileth and Cusseth” 279
LXXIX. —Renounces Slavery 283
LXXX. —Lamenteth 285
LXXXI. —Lines onto O. P. Morton, the Tirent uv Injeany 288
LXXXII. —Details the Failures of the Democracy 290
LXXXIII. —Mr. Nasby and his Friends on the Fall of Charleston 292
LXXXIV. —Lamenteth over the Apostacy of the Saints 297
LXXXV. —The Fall of Richmond and Lee's Surrender 300
LXXXVI. —The Assassination 304
LXXXVII. —“Makes a Delegashun uv Hisself” 307
LXXXVIII. —Sonnit—2 a Litter uv Little Pigs 311
LXXXIX. —Has a Vision 312
XC. —Lays Down a Platform for the Coming Campaign 317
XCI. —Sonnit—2 a Old Hoss 321
XCII. —Meets a “Reconstructid Suthern Shivelry” 322
XCIII. —“Dreams a Dream” 327
XCIV. —Sonnit—2 Whisky 331
XCV. —Issues an Address to the Southern Democracy 332
XCVI. —Searches the Scriptures, and gets Comfort Therefrom 336
XCVII. —Suggests a “Psalm of Sadness” for his friends South 339
XCVIII. —Has a Dream which Unveils the Future 343
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XCIX. —Opposes the Nomination of Soldiers 349
C. —Sonnit—2 Hanner Ann 353
CI. —Meets a Pardoned Rebel, who Enlightens Him 354
CII. —The Wise Old Rat 361
CIII. —Sonnit—2 my Nose 365
CIV. —The Diskontentid Pezant 366
CV. —Sonnit—2 a Skeeter 371
CVI. —Embarks in a New Enterprise 372
CVII. —Indulges in a Reminiscence of his Youthful Days 375
CVIII. —Sonnit—2 a Korn 380
CIX. —On the Diversity of the Races 381
CX. —Sonnit—2 a Five-cent Piece 385
CXI. —On Southern Character 386
CXII. —A Horrible Vision 390
CXIII. —Has a Conversation with the Devil 398
CXIV. —Appeal to the Democracy 403
CXV. —After the October Elections, 1865 407
CXVI. —The Bow-Legged Knite 411
CXVII. —Gives his Experience in Negro Impudence 416
CXVIII. —A few Last Words 420
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ILLUSTRATIONS.
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PAGE
Title Page 1
Portrait 2
Nasby Deserts—His Experience in Clothes 63
Nasby Visits Vallandigham 103
Nasby's Dream of Greatness 169
Nasby has a Difficulty with his Flock and Leaves it 255
Ye Lament of Joseph Bowers 257
The Union as it Was 355
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I. HOW HE CAME TO BE A DEMOCRAT.
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I wuz born a Whig. My parents wuz a member
uv that party, leastways my mother wuz, and
she alluz did the votin, allowin my father, uv
course, to go thro the manual labor uv castin the
ballot, in deference to the laws uv the country,
which does not permit females or niggers to vote,
no matter how much intelleck they may hev
in2 em.
In all probability I shood hev cast my lot with
that party, hed not a insident occurred, in my boyhood
days, wich satisfied me that the Dimocrisy
wuz my approprit and nateral abidin-place. It
wuz in this wise:
In a playful mood, wun nite, I bustid open a
grosery, and appropriatid, ez a jest, what loose
change ther wuz in the drawer, (alars! in these
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degenerit days uv paper currency, the enterprisin
theef hez to steel at 40 per sent discount,) and
sich other notions ez struck my boyish fancy. I
indoost a nigger boy, sumwhat younger than myself,
to aid me, and when we hed bagged the
game, I, feelin in my pride ez wun hevin the
proud Anglo-Sacksun blood a coursin toomulchusly
thro his vanes, what Cheef-Justis Taney hez sence
made law, to-wit: that the nigger hez no rites
which the white man is bound to respeck, whaled
him till he resined the entire proseeds uv the
spekulashen to me. The degraded wretch, devoid
uv every prinsiple uv honor, blowed on me, and
we wuz both arrestid.
The Justis uv the Pease wuz a Whig! and after
a hurried eggsaminashen, he sentenst ME! wun uv
his own race! uv his own blood! uv his own parentige!
to impriznment for THIRTY DAYS! on bred
and water, and the nigger to only ten, on the
ground that I wuz the cheef offender!
My mother beggd and prayd, with teers a
stremin down her venrable cheeks faster than she
cood wipe em up with her gingum apern, that the
arrangement mite be reverst—the nigger the 30
and I the 10—but no! Cold ez a stun, inflexible
ez iron, bludlis ez a turnip, I wuz inkarseratid,
and stayed my time.
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Sullenly I emerged from them walls, on the
evenin uv the 30th day, a changed indivijoel.
Liftin my hands 2 heven, I vowd 3 vows, to-wit:
1. That I wood devote my life to the work uv
redoosin the Afrikin 2 his normal speer.
2. That I wood adopt a perfeshn in2 wich I
cood steel without bein hauled up fer it.
3. That the water I hed consoomed while in
doorance vile, wuz the last that wood ever find its
way, undilootid, in2 my stumick.
Hentz, I jined the Dimocrisy, and whoever
eggsamines my record, will find that
I hev kep my oaths!
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II. WINGERT'S CORNERS SECEDES.
Wingert's Corners, March the 21st, 1861.
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South Carliny and sevral other uv the trooly
Dimecratic States hev secesht—gone orf, I may
say, onto a journey after ther rites.
Wingert's Corners, ez trooly Dimecratic ez any
uv em, hez follered soot.
A meetin wuz held last nite, uv wich I wuz
chairman, to take the matter uv our grievances
in2 consideration, and it wuz finally resolved that
nothin short uv seceshn wood remedy our woes.
Therefore the follerin address, wich I rit, wuz
adoptid and ordered to be publisht:
TO THE WORLD!
In takin a step wich may, possibly, involve the
state uv wich we hev bin heretofore a part into
blood and convulshuns, a decent respeck for the
good opinion uv the world requires us to give our
reasons for takin that step.
Wingert's Corners hez too long submitted to
the imperious dictates uv a tyranikle government.
Our whole histry hez bin wun uv aggreshn on the
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part uv the State, and uv meek and pashent endoorence
on ours.
It refoosed to locate the State Capitol at the
Corners, to the great detriment uv our patriotic
owners uv reel estate.
It refoosed to gravel the streets uv the Corners,
or even re-lay the plank-road.
It refoosed to locate the Penitentiary at the
Corners, notwithstandin we do more towards fillin
it than any town in the State.
It refoosed to locate the State Fair at the Corners,
blastin the hopes uv our patriotic groserys.
It located the canal 100 miles from the Corners.
We hev never hed a Guvner, notwithstandin
the President uv this meetin hez lived here for
yeers, a waitin to be urgd to accept it.
It hez compelled us, yeer after yeer, to pay our
share uv the taxes.
It hez never appinted any citizen uv the place
to any offis wher theft wuz possible, thus wilfully
keepin capital away from us.
It refoosed to either pay our rale-rode subscripshun
or slackwater our river.
Therefore, not bein in humor to longer endoor
sich outrajes, we declare ourselves Free and Independent
uv the State, and will maintain our position
with arms, if need be.
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There wuz a lively time next day. A company
uv minit men wuz raised, and wun uv 2
minit men. The seceshn flag, muskrat rampant,
weasel couchant, on a field d'egg-shell, waves
from both groserys. Our merchant feels hopeful.
Cut orf from the State, direct trade with the Black
Swamp follers; releest from his indebtedness to
Cinsinati, he will agin lift his head. Our representative
hez agreed to resine—when his term expires.
We are in earnest. Armed with justice and
shot-guns, we bid the tyrants defiance.
P. S.—The feelin is intense—the childern hev
imbibed it. A lad jest past, displayin the seceshn
flag. It waved from behind. Disdainin
concealment, the noble, lion-hearted boy wore a
roundabout. We are firm.
N. B.—We are still firm.
N. B., 2d.—We are firm, unyeeldin, calm, and
resoloot.
Till death,
Petroleum V. Nasby.
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III. NEGRO EMIGRATION.
Wingert's Corners, April the 2d, 1862.
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There is now 15 niggers, men, wimin, and
children, or ruther, mail, femail, and yung, in
Wingert's Corners, and yisterday another arrove.
I am bekomin alarmed, for, ef they inkreese at
this rate, in suthin over sixty years they 'll hev a
majority in the town, and may, ef they git mean
enuff, tyrannize over us, even ez we air tyrannizin
over them. The danger is imminent! Alreddy
our poor white inhabitants is out uv employment
to make room for that nigger; even now our
shops and factories is full uv that nigger, to the
grate detriment uv a white inhabitant who hez a
family 2 support, and our poor hows and jail is
full uv him.
I imploar the peeple to wake up. Let us hold
a mass meetin to take this subgik in2 considerashen,
and, that biznis may be expeditid, I perpose
the adopshen uv a series uv preamble and
resolooshens, suthin like the follerin, to-wit:
Wareas, We vew with alarm the ackshun uv
the Presydent uv the U. S., in recommendin the
immejit emansipashun uv the slaves uv our
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misgidid Suthern brethrin, and his evident intenshun
uv kolonizin on em in the North, and the heft on
em in Wingert's Corners; and
Wareas, In the event uv this imigrashun, our
fellow-townsman, Abslum Kitt, and uthers, whose
familis depend upon their labor for support, wood
be throde out of employment; and
Wareas, When yoo giv a man a hoss, yoo air
obleeged to also make him a present uv a silver-platid
harnis and a $350 buggy, so ef we let the
nigger live here, we are in dooty bound to let him
vote, and to marry him off-hand; and
Wareas, When this stait uv affares arrives
our kentry will be no fit place for men uv educashen
and refinement; and
Wareas, Eny man hevin the intellek uv a
brass-mounted jackass kin easily see that the 2
races want never intendid to live together; and
Wareas, Bein in the magority, we kin do as
we please, and ez the nigger aint no vote he kant
help hisself; therefore be it
Resolved, That the crude, undeodorizd Afrikin
is a disgustin obgik.
Resolved, That this Convenshun, when it hez
its feet washed, smells sweeter nor the Afrikin
in his normal condishun, and is there4 his
sooperior.
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Resolved, That the niggers be druv out uv
Wingert's Corners, and that sich property ez
they may hev accumulatid be confiscatid, and the
proseeds applide to the follerin purposes, to-wit:
Payment uv the bills of the last Dimekratik
Centrel Committee.
Payment uv the disintrestid patriots ez got up
this meetin.
The balence to remane in my hands.
Resolved, That the Ablishnists who oppose these
resolushens all want to marry a nigger.
Resolved, That Dr. Petts, in rentin a part uv
his bildin to niggers, hez struck a blow at the
very foundashens uv sosiety.
Fellow whites, arowz! The enemy is onto us!
Our harths is in danger! When we hev a nigger
for judge—niggers for teachers—niggers in pulpits—
when niggers rool and controle society,
then will yoo remember this warnin!
Arouse to wunst! Rally agin Conway! Rally
agin Sweet! Rally agin Hegler! Rally agin
Hegler's family! Rally agin the porter at the
Reed House! Rally agin the cook at the Crook
House! Rally agin the nigger widder in Vance's
Addishun! Rally agin Missis Umstid! Rally
agin Missis Umstid's children by her first husband!
Rally agin Missis Umstid's children by
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her sekkund husband! Rally agin all the rest uv
Missis Umstid's children! Rally agin the nigger
that cum yisterday! Rally agin the saddle-culurd
girl that yoost 2 be hear! Ameriky for white
men!
Petroleum V. Nasby.
IV. OAD TO PEECE.
FRUM A DIMEKRATIC STANDPINT.
O cum, O cum agin 2 us, swete Peece!
Spred thy white wings oar our distractid land;
Thro rownd the jarrin states thy silvery band,
And bid this orful, friteful struggle cease.
Doo cum! we wate impashently, fur lo!
So long 's the Suthrin states is in rebelyun,
So long A. Linkun, er sum jest sech hellyun,
Will hold the rains, and owr fokes hev no show!
Lo! up in Injeany, poor Bright wales!
Samcox hez but wun term—Vallandigham—
His chansis at this time aint wuth a —;
The Legislatur tuk the wind out uv their sales.
Doo cum! restore to us the good ole times,
When Dimekrats cood hold a plais uv profit,
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Cood git a kontract—make a huge pile off it,
When no Republikin tetched public dimes.
Cum, and restoar 2 us the good ole days,
When, jest by bendin to owr Suthrin masters,
Our party dodged the horrible disasters
Thet hev oartook us sence we left them ways.
Cum qwickly—fer jest now we 've scores and scores
Thet yern fer place—the Republikins won't hev us;
Nuthin but peece uv the rite kind will save us
From dyin mizrably outside Treasery dores.
Peece is what we want—we 'll swaller dirt,
Jest ez J. Davis sez—in qwantitis 2 suit;
We 'll hist owr cote-tales—let 'em apply the boot;
We 've alluz dun it, so a repeat won't hurt.
Then cum agin, O peece! and cum in sech a manner,
Ez to confound owr foes, the nigger-lovers,
And into plasiz uv rich profit shove us,
And let us onct agin put Victry on owr banner.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
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V. HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH VALLANDIGHAM.
Washington, Joon the 1st, 1862.
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I am in Washinton. I stand under the shadder
uv the tempel uv Liberty, and am reposin my
weery lims in the kool shades uv Fredom. But
I cant reelize that this is the saim Washinton
I yoost 2 visit. I yoost to go frum Pennsilvany
to the cappytle wunst a year, to git my stock uv
Dimocrisy recrootid, and to find out what we wuz
expectid to bleeve doorin the cumin year, thus
gettin full 6 munths ahed uv my nabers. I wuz
wunst electid gustis uv the peese in Berks County,
by knoin neerly a year in advanse what we wuz
to vote for that autum. They thot Nasby wuz a
smart man.
2 resoom. This is not the Washinton that
wunst I knode. Our cappytle is now a Ablishn
camp. The brite sun reflex glittrin raze frum
shinin baynets—the ear is horrifide with the
rumble uv cannon-wheels, and the iren-shod warsteed
clatters on the stony street. The slavepens,
them proud moniments uv the sooperiority
of the Anglo-Sacksun race, hez bin swep away,
and with them the heft uv the Dimocrisy. O!
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my country! Where is Tooms, and Yancy, and
Wigfall? The lofty domes uv the cappytle dont
re-ekko no more 2 their sole-inspirin voices. Ez I
reflek that these pillers uv Dimocrisy aint here—
and, what is wuss, that they dassent cum here—
that these place that knode em wunst will kno em
no more furever—my manly buzzum throbs with
sorrer, and my prowd form is bowed in anguish.
O thou fell sperit uv Abolishnism, thow hast
much 2 anser for—mucher than thow canst anser.
Wood that I cood heeve thee owt uv these
sacrid precinks, and with gentle stranes woo back
them ez we hev lost. Avant, thow grim and
nasty cuss! my stumick heeves wheneer I think
uv thee.
2 resoom. I kum hear to see Vallandygum.
I huntid him up, and last nite we mingled our
goys and sorrers in a talk that lasted 2 ours
We hed a bottle uv concentratid contentment,
and, after disposin uv a suffishensy thereof, Vallandygum
commenst:
“Nasby,” sez he, “we 're in a fix.”
“Vallandygum,” sez I, “to wich do yoo elude—
our distractid country?”
“Nary,” sez he; “I wuz a speekin uv myself
and the rest uv us. Them 's my country.”
“Sagashus man,” sez I, “youm rite.
-- 038 --
[figure description] Page 038.[end figure description]
Politerkilly we 're ez bad off ez our frends in Fort
Warin is personally. We 're in a tite place.”
“Yes,” sez he; “and we must git out. We
must carry the North this autum.”
“Certingly,” sez I; “but how?”
“I hev,” sez he, “the plan uv the campane
fixt. Fustly, we must oppose the wholesail votin
by niggers.”
“But,” sez I, “no niggers votes in the
North.”
“Nasby,” sez he, a puttin his thum to his nose,
“a man uv straw is the eeziest knockt down,
especially ef yoo hev set him up yerself for the
purpos uv knockin uv him down. 2ndly, the
immense emygrashun uv niggers into the North
must be prohibytid.”
“But,” sez I, “no niggers air comin, or hev
any noshun uv comin in2 the North.”
“3rdly,” sez he, “the alarmin amalgamashun
uv the races must be prohibytid.”
“But,” sez I, “there 's no amalgamashun north
uv the Ohio River.”
“4thly,” sez he, “the idee uv allowin the nigger
to stand on a equality with the whites must
be squelcht.”
“But,” says I, “nobody wants em to be our
ekals.”
-- 039 --
[figure description] Page 039.[end figure description]
“5thly,” sez he, “no nigger must ever be allowd
to hev offis in the North.”
“But,” sez I, “nobody wants the nigger to hev
offis.”
“Never mind, Nasby,” sez he; “nigger is our
trump card—we must lead off with it. Taxes is
a good dodge, for no man likes to pay taxes, and
we must werk em up on that. After nigger,
compromise is our best holt. Ef, by a fair,
ekitable compromise”—
“To-wit, givin our Suthern brethren all they
want,” murmured I—
“We kin end this unnateral war,” continered
he, “wich hez tored up the foundashuns uv liberty,
and rent the proud old Dimekratik party in
twain”—
“Into 2 twains,” sighd I, like a ekkoin
zephyr—
“And reskoo the guverment frum the jobbers
and spekulaters who now control it, and put it
into the hands uv pure men”—
“Sech ez Floyd, and Bright, and we,” sejestid
I, smilin sweetly—
“Then,” continered he, a wettin his lips at the
mouth uv the bottle, “we will not hev labered in
vain. To do this, and bring back the fraternal
feelins uv yoar, this bluddy war must cease. O,
-- 040 -- p631-039
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Nasby, the Dimekratik staits is being invadid
the homes uv our Suthern brethren is bein violatid,
their niggers and household gods is bein
torn from em; and onless we kin stand between
em and rooin, will they, wen peese is restored,
take us back, and give us the politikle crums
they can't use? Nary.”
It wuz past 3 o'clock wen I partid from that
trooly grate man. He give me a gineral outline
uv the plans uv the confedrits, and red me letters
he hed reseevd from Tooms, Davis, et settry.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
VI. PROPOSES TO CELEBRATE THE FOURTH.
Washington, Joon the 12th, 1862.
I am still in Washinton, and wont be home
for some time, on akount uv bisnis pertanin 2 the
re-organizashun uv the Dimekratik party. I will
give suffishent notis uv my cumin, so that my
frends may git up a perceshun to escort me from
the cars 2 my hotel.
The objik uv this letter is 2 sejest a plan for
the appropriate celebrashun uv the fourth uv
-- 041 --
[figure description] Page 041.[end figure description]
July—the birthday of our Liberties—the day on
wich Freedum wuz perclamd too all men, exceptin
niggers, and them hevin a vizable admixter uv
Aferken blud, et settery. I want to see a pure
Dimekratik celebrashun fer wunst, and hold up
both hands fer jest sech a wun. Let me sejest
the follerin order fer a perceshun:
1st. Marshel in uniform uv Home Gard, dekorated
with a winder sash over the left shoulder.
2d. Banner with inskripshun, “The Yunyun ez
it wuz—under Bookanun! The constitooshn ez it
is, with sum variashens.”
3d. Barril contanin nativ corn joose, inskribd,
“Our platform.”
4th. Carrij contanin speeker, reeder, and chaplin—
wun of our perswashin kin be prokoord.
5th. Wagin with a nigger a lyin down, and mi
esteemd frend Punt a standin onto him—a paregorical
illustrashun uv the sooperiority uv the
Anglo-Sacksun over the Afrikin rases.
6th. Soljers uv the present war. (A few may
be procoord frum the military prizen at Chicago,
where they are at present unconstitooshnaly confind,
fer this ocashun.)
7th. The cort-house offishls, with banner and
inscripshun, “Our saleries—we will defend em 2
the last.”
-- 042 --
[figure description] Page 042.[end figure description]
8th. Cittizens on hossbac with bottles.
9th. Cittizens in carrijes with bottles.
10th. Cittizens on foot with bottles.
(Space on each side reserved fer cittizens a lyin
down with empty bottles.)
11th. Candidates fer offis, all walkin on ther
neez.
Perceshun form so that the hed will rest on the
distillery, and the tale on the cort-house, representin
the beginnin and end uv our gellorious
party.
On arrivin at the grove, the follerin exercises
may be had:
Singin—Nashnel oad, “We 've Cuffee by de
wool.”
Readin Vallandigum's address.
Orashun—“Nigger: his Past, Present, and Futur”—
by myself.
Singin—Patryotik song—
“Sambo, ketch dat hoe,
And resine dat vane idee;
We've got de power, you kno,
And you never kin be free.”
Benedickshun, bi myself.
In the evenin it would be appropri8 to hev fireworks,
and perhaps I might be indoost to deliver
-- 043 -- p631-042
[figure description] Page 043.[end figure description]
an orashun on “Nigger: his Past, Present, and
Futur.”
Sech a celebrashun would elevate the sperits uv
the faithful, and help mateerialy towards makin
a triumpf this ortum.
Respectfully,
Petroleum V. Nasby.
VII. ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE.
Columbus, O., June the 21st, 1862.
I wuz onto my way to Columbus to attend the
annooal gatherin uv the fatheful at that city, a
dooty I hev religusly performd fer over 30 yeres.
Ther wuz but wun seet vakent in the car, and
onto that I sot down. Presently a gentleman carryin
uv a carpit-bag sot down beside me, and we
to wunst commenst conversashen. After discussin
the crops, the wether, et settry, I askt wher he
resided.
“In Oberlin,” sez he.
“Oberlin!” shreekt I. “Oberlin! wher Ablishnism
runs rampant—wher a nigger is 100 per
cent. better ner a white man—wher a mulatto is
-- 044 --
[figure description] Page 044.[end figure description]
a objik uv pitty on account uv hevin white blood.
Oberlin! that stonest the Dimekratik prophets,
and woodent be gathered under Vallandygum's
wings as a hen-hawk gathereth chickens, at no
price! Oberlin, that gives all the profits uv her
college to the support uv the underground rale-rode”—
“But,” sez he.
“Oberlin,” continyood I, “that reskoos niggers,
and sets at defians the benifisent laws fer takin
on em back to their kind and hevenly-minded
masters! Oberlin!”—
“My jentle frend,” sez he, “Oberlin do n't do
nuthin uv the kind. Yoo 've bin misinformd.
Oberlin respex the laws, and hez now a body uv
her galyent sons in the feeld a fightin to manetane
the Constooshn.”
“A fightin to manetane the Constooshn,” retortid
I. “My frend,” (and I spoke impressivly,)
“no Oberlin man is a doin any sich thing. Oberlin
commenst this war. Oberlin wuz the prime
cause uv all the trubble. What wuz the beginnin
uv it? Our Suthrin brethrin wantid the territories—
Oberlin objectid. They wantid Kansas fer
ther blessid instooshn—Oberlin agin objecks.
They sent colonies with muskits and sich, to hold
the terrytory—Oberlin sent 2 thowsand armed
-- 045 --
[figure description] Page 045.[end figure description]
with Bibles and Sharp's rifles—two instooshns
Dimokrasy cood never stand afore—and druv em
out. They wantid Breckinridge fer President.
Oberlin refused, and elektid Linkin. Then they
seceded; and why is it that they still hold out?”
He made no anser.
“Becoz,” continyood I, transfixin him with my
penetratin gaze, “Oberlin won't submit. We
might 2-day hev peese ef Oberlin wood say to
Linkin, `Resine!' and to Geff Davis, `Come up
higher!' When I say Oberlin, understand it ez
figgerative fer the entire Ablishn party, uv wich
Oberlin is the fountin-hed. There's wher the
trubble is. Our Suthern brethren wuz reasonable.
So long ez the Dimokrasy controld things,
and they got all they wanted, they wur peeceable.
Oberlin ariz—the Dimokrasy wuz beet down, and
they riz up agin it.”
Jest eggsactly 80-six yeres ago, akordin to
Jayneses Almanac, a work wich I perooz annually
with grate delite, the Amerykin eagle, (whose
portrate any wun who possessis a 5-cent peece
kin behold,) wuz born, the Goddis uv Liberty bein
its muther, the Spirit uv Freedom its sire, Tomas
Gefferson actin ez physician on the occasion. The
proud bird growd ez tho it slept on guano—its
left wing dipt into the Pasific, its rite into the
-- 046 -- p631-045
[figure description] Page 046.[end figure description]
Atlantic, its beek thretened Kanady, while his
majestik tale cast a shadder ore the Gulf. Sich
wuz the eagle up to March, '61. What is his
condishn now? His hed hangs, his tale droops,
ther 's no strength in his talons. Wat 's the trubble?
Oberlin. He hed been fed on nigger fer
yeres, and hed thrived on the diet. Oberlin got
the keepin uv him — she withholds his nateral
food; and onless Oberlin is whaled this fall, down
goes the eagle.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
VIII. MAKES A CANDIDATE “UV HISSELF. ”
To the Dimokrasy uv the County:—I anounse
myself ez a kandidate for ary 1 uv the
offices to be fild this ortum, subgik, uv coarse, to
the decishun uv the Convenshun.
In makin this anounsement, I feel it due my
Dimekratik brethrin that I stait the resens for
takin this step. They run ez follows:
1st. I want an offis.
2d. I need a offis.
3d. A offis wood suit me; ther4,
-- 047 --
[figure description] Page 047.[end figure description]
4th. I shood like to hev a offis.
I maik no boasts uv what my speshel clames
air, but I hev dun the party sum servis. My fust
vote I cast for that he old Dimekrat, Androo
Jaxn. For him I voted twict, and I hev also voted
for every Dimekratik candidate sence. I hev
fought and bled for the coz, hev voted ez offen ez
3 times at 1 elekshin, and hev alluz wore mournin
around my ize for 3 weeks after eech eleckshin.
I hev alluz rallid 2 the poles erly in the mornin,
and hev spent the entire day a bringin in the ajid
and infirm, and in the patryotik biznis uv knockin
down the opposition voters. No man hez drunk
more whisky than I hev for the party—none hez
dun it moar willingly. Twict, in goin thro campanes,
hev I brot myself 2 the very verge uv delirium
tremins, a drinkin the terrific elekshun
whisky pervided by our candidates, but the coz
demandid the sacrifis, and I made it ez cherefully
ez tho my stumic hed been copper-lined, wich, unfortunitly,
it is not. Ez for my servises in this
line, let my nose, wich hez trooly blossumd like
the lobster, speek for itself.
“Rum hez its triumphs ez the water hath,
And this is wun uv them.”
[Cotashun from a pome.]
-- 048 --
[figure description] Page 048.[end figure description]
My politikle prinsipples are sound. I am opposd
2 a nashnel bank, and am unmitigatedly in
favor uv free trade. I approved uv the last war
with Grate Britten, and hev sence seen no reason
2 change my views on that subgik. On the war
queshun my vews are ez follose: Bein a naytiv uv
this Republic, and hevin livd under the Stars and
Strypes, I am in favor uv manetanin the Guverment,
and puttin down the rebelyun, and will ade
the Guverment in doin it, in all constitooshnal
ways. But, after a keerful readin uv my papers, I
kin find no constitooshnal warrant for half what is
bein dun. I am in favor uv a war for the Union
ez it uzd to was, and the Constitooshn ez I 'd like
to hev it; but a war uv subgugashen—never!
Hents, I am opposed to all this military biznis.
Ef a cittyzen uv Virginny shoots a cittyzen uv
Ohio, let him be arrested, taken before the nearest
Gustis uv the Peese, and bound over to court.
That 's the only way 2 do it. I regard confistikashen
as unconstitooshnel, and ez for emansipashen,
words cant express my disgust at the bare ijee.
Wat! is armis 2 march 4th, under the good old
flag, for the purpus uv destroyin an institooshn
guaranteed by the Constitooshn, and wich hez enabled
the grate Dimekratik party to controle the
destinies uv this republic for morn thirty yeres?
-- 049 --
[figure description] Page 049.[end figure description]
Ferbid it, hevin! The follerin resolushens, wich
I drawd up, show percisely wat I bleeve:
Resolved, That we are now, eggsackly as we
alluz hev bin, the devoted friends uv the Union
ez it used to be wen us uns, and our breethrin uv
the Sowth, run the masheen, and we 'd be thundrin
glad 2 see it restord agin.
Resolved, That evry dictate uv patertism reqwires
that, in the tuff fight we hev afore us, the
good old Dimokrasy shood present a unbroken
front; and therefore, ez differenses may arize
amongst us, the General Committee shel, frum
time to time, inform the county committis wat
the peple is expectid 2 beleve, that we may talk
alike in all parts uv the country.
Resolved, That the Abolishn party, by ther denunsiashun
uv President Davis, hev shown that
they hev no regard for our feelins or hizn, and hev
exhibited a bitterness toward our misgided Suthrin
brethrin, that demonstraits their onfitness to
hold eny plais wer they kin hev an opportunity to
ingure them.
Resolved, That the stait uv Massychusits is
ornery and cussed. That the annymossity exibited
by her men, in the lait fites afore Richmond,
towards our misgided Suthrin brethrin,
is wat mite be expektid frum a stait that hez
-- 050 --
[figure description] Page 050.[end figure description]
no Dimekrats, and wher evry boddy redes and
rites.
Resolved, That, while rebels shood be punnisht,
we are opposed to confisticashun er emansipashun
in eny shaip; becoz:
1stly. Taint constooshnal.
2dly. They'd be made more despriter, and moar
uv em wood be killd, wich wood lessen Dimekratik
magoritis in them staits.
3dst. It wood hev a tendency 2 make em madder
nor they air.
On the absorbin question uv nigger I am sound.
I am opposed to amalgamashun, and am in favor
uv prohibittin any wench frum marryin any wun
hevin a vizable admixter uv white blud. I am ferninst
allowin niggers to kum into the North, and
am in favor uv expellin the thirty-2 milyuns now
hear. To force em away, I wood maik it a pennytenshiary
offence 2 be shavd by a nigger, and wood
regulate the price uv barberin by law, that white
men mite be indoost to go into the biznis. Ez for
other pints uv nashenel and stait policy, my paper
dident cum last nite, and consequently I am somewhat
at a loss.
In county matters I shel follow closely the footsteps
uv my predecessers. I shel be keerful uv
the funds, and shel apply jest ez much ez possible
-- 051 --
[figure description] Page 051.[end figure description]
to the grate work uv bildin up the Dimekratik
party; alluz, uv coarse, reservin enuff to buy me a
modrit farm at the close uv my term. Wun
thing I pledj myself 2 do ef I am elektid. The
persekooshun uv that eminent finanseer, our defaultin
Trezerer, shel be stopt. Sech a trifle ez
$2,800 is not enuff to disturb the peese uv the
county. We shood compermise with him—let
him keep the munny, and let the people keep—
still. Then things will go smooth.
I aint pertickeler ez to wat offis I hev. I am
willin to serve ez Trezerer, Sheriff, Commishener,
er Coryner—tho I cood do the party more good ez
Trezerer than in any other posishen. Munny
cozes the femail hoss to percede.
In konklushen, fellow Dimekrats, I hev 2 say,
ef nominated, all rite; ef not, I shel abide by the
result ez cherefully ez my temper will allow.
Respectively,
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 052 -- p631-051
IX. SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD NOT BE DRAFTED.
August the 6th, 1862.
[figure description] Page 052.[end figure description]
I see in the papers last nite that the Goverment
hez institooted a draft, and that in a few
weeks sum hunderds uv thousands uv peeceable
citizens will be dragged to the tented feeld. I
know not wat uthers may do, but ez for me, I
cant go. Upon a rigid eggsaminashen uv my
fizzlekle man, I find it wood be wus ner madnis
for me 2 undertake a campane, to-wit:
1. I 'm bald-headid, and hev bin obliged to
ware a wig these 22 years.
2. I hev dandruff in wat scanty hair still hangs
around my venerable temples.
3. I hev a kronic katarr.
4. I hev lost, sence Stanton's order to draft,
the use uv wun eye entirely, and hev kronic inflammashen
in the other.
5. My teeth is all unsound, my palit aint eggsactly
rite, and I hev hed bronkeetis 31 yeres
last Joon. At present I hev a koff, the paroxisms
uv wich is friteful 2 behold.
6. I 'm holler-chestid, am short-winded, and
hev alluz hed panes in my back and side.
-- 053 --
[figure description] Page 053.[end figure description]
7. I am afflictid with kronic diarrear and kostivniss.
The money I hev paid for Jayneses
karminnytiv balsam and pills wood astonish almost
enny body.
8. I am rupcherd in 9 places, and am entirely
enveloped with trusses.
9. I hev verrykose vanes, hev a white-swellin
on wun leg and a fever sore on the uther; also
wun leg is shorter than tother, though I handle
it so expert that noboddy never noticed it.
10. I hev korns and bunyons on both feet, wich
wood prevent me from marchin.
I dont suppose that my political opinions, wich
are ferninst the prossekooshn uv this unconstooshnel
war, wood hev any wate with a draftin
orfiser; but the above reesons why I cant go,
will, I maik no doubt, be suffishent.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 054 -- p631-053
X. IN CANADA.
Brest, Kanada West, August the 20th, 1862.
[figure description] Page 054.[end figure description]
After more advenchers than wood fill a book,
I am here in Kanada, safe under the protectin
tail uv the British Lion, where no draftin orfiser
kin molest nor make me afraid. Halleloogy!
I never shood hev taken this step—or, ruther,
the succeshun uv steps that brot me here—hed
a good, sound, constooshnel doctor bin appinted
Medical Eggsaminer; fer I hev twict ez menny
diseases ez wood hev eggsemptid me, but I wuz
afeerd the Eggsaminer woodent see em, ez he
aint much uv a physician anyhow; besides, he
votes the Union tickit, and hez, uv coarse, prejudisis.
The Commissioner is a bluddy Ablishnist;
and, besides, I owe him a store bill wich hez
stood about 8 years. I protest agin all sich appintments.
I left, in company with 5 other invalids, wun
nite, a little after the “witchin hour uv 12 M.,”
ez Shakspeer hez it, and any wun beholdin our
faces wood hev bin satisfide that sum “church-yard
yawned” jest previously. We traveld all nite,
“sustaned and soothed by an unfaltrin trust” in
-- 055 --
[figure description] Page 055.[end figure description]
a bottle wich I, with my usual 4site, took along,
together with 2 and 1-third yards uv bolony
sassige, wich I alluz use ez a thirst-provoker.
We met no interrupshen till we got within 5
miles uv Toledo, (wich we did by 5 P. M. uv
the next day—wich, permit me to remark, wus
good travelin fer sich debillytatid cusses,) when
we wuz stopt by a pickit-gard uv the “Antidraftin
Invalid League,” who remarkt: “Who
goes there?” “A invalid,” sez I. “A Peece
invalid?” sez he. “Ther aint no other kind,” sez
I; whereupon, sez he, “Yoor a man uv sence;” a
fact uv wich I hed been long aware. I presentid
my liqwid consiliater, when he informd me that
Toledo wuz closely watcht, that escape by steemer
was impossible, and that a small bote was our
only chance. He took us to the lake shore, furnisht
us a bote, and, jest as the golden sun wuz
a sinkin behind the golden horizon, I bid my
nativ land adoo.
I need not dwell upon the perils uv that terrible
passage. Suffice it 2 say, that, fer invalids,
we rowed well, and finally landed at the little
village uv Brest, wher we now air.
200 Peece men are here, and I must acknowledge
that we are not treeted with that distinguished
consideration usually accordid political
-- 056 --
[figure description] Page 056.[end figure description]
eggsiles. Fer instance, at the tavern where I
board, the parler is partikelerly plesent, and I
wuz a settin into it. In trips a girl, purty enuff
fer a man whose taste wuz not vishiated 2 eat.
“Shel I shet down this window, sir?” sez she.
“Why shet it down, gentle maid?” retorts I,
lookin sweet onto her. “Because,” replide she,
“I thot, perhaps, the DRAFT was too much fer
ye.” A few slavish Kanajens, who set there,
laft. The landlord required a month's pay in
advance, and a further deposit uv 25 cents per
eggsile, as sekoority fer the pewter spoons wich
we hev at table. To cap the climacks, last nite
a big nigger was put into eech uv our rooms, and
we were forced to sleep with em, or okkepy the
floor, wich I did. The cussid nigger laft all nite,
in a manner trooly aggravatin to hear.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
P. S.—Tell my wife to send sich money as she
earns, to me, as livin is high, and ther aint no
tick. The township kin support her and the
children.
-- 057 -- p631-056
XI. IS FINALLY DRAFTED.
Camp uv the 778th Ohio Kidnapt Melishy,
Toledo, October the 17th, 1862.
[figure description] Page 057.[end figure description]
I am here, clad in the garb uv slaivry! Nasby,
clothed in a bobtailed bloo coat, a woolin shirt, and
bloo pants, with a Oysteran muskit in his hands,
a goin thro the exercise! Good hevings! wat a
spectacle!
The draft was over, and I thot that wunst more
I 'd visit my native land. Gaily I stept abord the
bote that was to carry me from British shores—
gaily I say, fer my money hed given out some
weeks afore, and I hed earned a precarious subsistence
a sawin wood in pardnership with a disgustin
mulatto, and I lookt forward with joyful
antisepashens to the time when I shood agen embrace
Looizer Jane, (the pardner of my buzzum,)
and keep my skin perpetooally full uv the elickser
uv life, out uv her washin money. Joyfully I
sprang off the bote onto the wharf at Toledo,
when a hevy hand was laid onto my shoulder.
Twas a soljer! The follerin conversashen ensood:
“Wat wantest thow, my gentle friend?”
“I want yoo, my gay Kanajen.”
-- 058 --
[figure description] Page 058.[end figure description]
“On wat grounds?” retortid I.
“On the ground uv eloodin uv the draft,”
sez he.
“Yoor mistaken,” sez I; “I 'm a Ablishnist—
a emissary. I hev bin a spredin the bred uv
life among the poor kulerd brethrin in Kanady,
and am jest returnin to run thro another lot.
Let me pass, I entreat thee, nor stay me in my
good work.” (This wuz strategy.)
“Not much,” sez he. “I know better. Yoor a
butternut.”
“How knowst thou?” sez I.
“Yoor nose,” sez he. “That bucheus beekun lite
wuz never got out uv spring water.”
“Yoor knowledge uv men and things is too
much fer me. I confess, and surrender at discreshun—
do with me ez thou wilt.”
And he did. I wuz led out to camp, and wuz
allowd to volunteer to fite against my convickshens—
against my brethren, who hev taken up
arms in a rightous coz. So be it. Hentz4th the
naim uv Nasby will shine in the list uv marters.
Amid the dark, deep gloom that envellups me,
wun ray uv light strikes me. I have seen the
eleckshun returns, and wen I seed em I yelled
Hallelogy! Me and another victim uv Linkin's
tyranny, who is a Dimekrat, (he wuz a postmaster
-- 059 --
[figure description] Page 059.[end figure description]
under Bookannon, and wen removed by Linkin
dident give up the balance uv money he had on
hand, fearin twood be used to subvert our free
instooshns,) hed a jubilee. We smuggled a bottle
uv condenst ekstasy, and celebratid muchly.
“The North 's redeemed!” showtid I.
“Let the eagle screme!” yelled he.
“The Quakers hev votid!” showtid I.
“Ablishnism dead!” screemed he.
“Dimokrasy 's triumphed!” laft I; and so on,
until after midnite, when, completely eggsaustid,
we sank into slumber, with a empty bottle
atween us.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
P. S.—Tell Looizer Jane that I may never see
her again—that shood it be my fate 2 perish on
the battle-feeld, amid the rore uv battle and the
horrors uv missellaneous carnage, my last thot, ez
life ebbs slowly away, shall be uv her; and ask her
if she can't send me half or three-quarters uv the
money she gits fer washin, ez whisky costs fritefully
here. P. V. N.
-- 060 -- p631-059
XII. DESERTS—HIS EXPERIENCE IN CLOTHES.
Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, Nov. the 1st, 1862.
[figure description] Page 060.[end figure description]
I hev deserted, and am now a soljer uv the
Confederacy. Jest ez soon ez our regiment struck
Suthrin sile, I made up my mind that my bond-age
wuz drawin to a close—that I wood seeze the
fust oppertoonity uv escapin to my nateral frends,
the soljers uv the sunny South. Nite before last
I run the gard, wuz shot at twice, (reseevin two
buck-shot jest below the hind buttons uv my coat,)
but by eggstrordinary luck I escaped. Had infantry
bin sent after me I shood hev bin taken,
for I am not a fast runner; but the commandent
uv the post wuz new at the biznis, and innosently
sent cavalry. Between the hossis they rode, and
the stoppin to pick up them ez coodent stick onto
ther flyin steeds, I hed no difficulty in outrunnin
em.
At last I encounterd the pickits uv the Looisiana
Pelicans, and givin myself up ez a deserter
from the hordes uv the tyrant Linkin, wuz to
wunst taken afore the kernel. I must say, in this
conneckshun, that I wuz surprised at the style uv
uniform worn by the Pelicans. It consists uv a
-- 061 --
[figure description] Page 061.[end figure description]
hole in the seet uv the pants, with the tale uv the
shirt a wavin gracefully thereform. The follerin
colloquy ensood:
“To what regiment did yoo belong?”
“776th Ohio.”
“Volunteer or draftid?”
“Draftid.”
“Yoor name?”
“Nasby, Petroleum V.”
I notist all this time the kernel wuz eyein my
clothes wistfully. I had jest drawd em, and they
wuz bran-new. Sez the kernel:
“Mr. Nasby, I reseeve you gladly ez a recroot
in the Grand Army uv Freedom. Ez yoo divest
yoorself uv the clothes uv the tyrant, divest yerself
uv watever lingrin affecshuns yoo may hev fer
the land uv yer nativity, and ez yoo array yerself
in the garb uv a Suthrin soljer, try to fill yer
sole with that Suthrin feelin that anymates us
all. Jones,” sed he, addressin his orderly, “is
Thompson dead yit?”
“Not quite,” sez the orderly.
“Never mind,” sez the kernel, “he cant git well
uv that fever; strip off his uniform and give it to
Nasby, and berry him.”
I judgd, frum the style uv the uniforms I saw
on the men around me, that I wood rather keep
-- 062 --
[figure description] Page 062.[end figure description]
my own, but I sed nothin. When the orderly returned
with the deceest Thompson's uniform, I
groaned innardly. There wuz a pair uv pants
with the seat entirely torn away, and wun leg
gone below the knee, a shoe with the sole off, and
the straw he had wrapped around the other foot,
and a gray woolen shirt. Sez the kernel:
“Do n't be afeerd uv me, Nasby. Put on yer
uniform rite here.”
Reluctantly, I pulled off my new dubble-soled
boots, and I wuz petrified to see the kernel kick
off the slippers he wore, and pull em on. I pulld
off my pants—he put em on, and so on with every
article uv dress I possest, even to my warm overkote
and blankit. Sez the kernel:
“These articles, Nasby, belongs to the Guvment,
to which I shel akount fer them. Report
yoorself to wunst to Captain Smith.”
Ez I passed out, the lootenant-kernel, majer,
and ajitent pulled me to wun side, and askt me
“ef I coodent git three more to desert.” Wun
glance at their habillyments showd why they wuz
so anxious fer deserters.
I candidly confess that Linkin takes better care
uv his soljers than Davis does. The clothin I hev
described. Instid uv reglar rashens, we are allowed
to eat jest whatever we can steal uv the
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 065 -- p631-064
[figure description] Page 065.[end figure description]
planters, and, ez mite be expectid, we hev becum
wonderfully expert at pervidin; but, ez the Pelicans
hev bin campt here three months, the livin
is gittin thin. Yet a man kin endoor almost any
thing fer principle.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
XIII. CAPTURES A TURKEY.
Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, }
November the 15th, 1862.
Nasby still lives, tho I must say its rayther
tite nippin. The servis uv the Suthrin Confedracy
wood be ez pleasant ez any military life
cood be, were it not for three things, to-wit:
1. We hev nothin to eat.
2. Our clothes is designed more for ornament
than use, consistin cheefly uv holes with rags
around em—an appropriate summer costoom, but
rayther airy for this season.
3. Our pay is irreglar, and not jest ez good
in quality ez cood be wished.
Fer instance. Our regiment hazzent reseevd
a cent fer 8 months, and ther wuz much grumblin,
wich cum to the ears uv the kernel.
-- 066 --
[figure description] Page 066.[end figure description]
“The men murmur, do they?” sed he to his
ajitent. “Their complaints is just, and they
shel be paid their just dooze. Is ther a printin
offis in the town?”
“Ther is,” retorts the ajitent.
“Go take possession uv it in the name uv the
Confedrit States, and seeze whatever paper he
may hev on hand. The faithful Pelicans must
be paid.”
The next day every wun uv the men hed his
haversack stufft with money, each wun takin ez
much ez he judgd he cood use. It does very
well, except that it gives the grocery-keepers
much trouble, as they take it by weight—a $1
bein wuth ez much ez a $20, ceptin that the
$20 is a trifle the largest, and weighs more.
A incident. I wuz out on pikkit dooty, in
the immejit visinnity uv a planter's barn, who
hed bin suspectid uv Unionism. I saw a turkey,
capchered it, and indulged all the way into
camp into the pleasant idee that, fer the fust
time in 2 months, I wood hev a stumic-distendin
dinner. Ez I entered camp I met the kernel,
who, ez his eagle eye caught the proud bird I
held, spoke, sayin:
“Ha! a turkey! Wher gottist thow him?”
“I capcherd him at Johnson's,” replied I.
-- 067 --
[figure description] Page 067.[end figure description]
“Fat and young,” mused he, feelin uv him;
and then, lookin up, thus he did say: “My venerable
patriot, (he allooded to my gray hairs,)
this bird belonged to a Union man, and all sich
property taken by the army belongs, uv coarse,
2 the goverment. Yoo will 4thwith take it to
my quarters.”
Not hevin eaten any thing for 18 hours, I
determined to make wun effort for my turkey.
Sez I: “Admittin the bird belongs to the goverment,”
sez I, “I may retane him, I suppose,
by payin his valyoo,” and I tendered him a
handful uv the money we hed reseevd that
mornin.
“Not so fast, my aged hero,” sed he. “The
goverment needs turkeys more than it does
money. Money we kin make, but yoo must be
aware that, without a material alterashen in
our anatomikle structure, the makin uv a turkey
by us is a impossibility. Leave the property
at my quarters.” * * * * *
That nite I passed the kernel's quarters.
Ther wuz a sound uv revelry within, and the
odor uv a Thanksgivin dinner assaild my nostrils.
The next mornin I saw the kernel's dorg
a chawin the bones uv that goverment turkey.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 068 -- p631-067
XIV. IMPROVES HIS FORTUNES BY MARRIAGE.
Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, }
November the 11th, 1862.
[figure description] Page 068.[end figure description]
I am here, and mizrable!
I am not less than 213 per cent. more mizrable
nor I used to be!
I consoomd 2 hours uv the Sutherin Confedracy's
time, and a 12-foot board, assertainin the
eggsact increese uv misery wich I am engoyin,
with the above result.
Wen I wuz draftid I wuz not particularly
dissatisfied. My posishen wuz becomin precarious.
Looizer Jane (the wife uv my buzum)
had cut off my supplies, and wuz a wasting
the money she reseevd fer washin on bread
and clothes fer the childern, and misunderstandins
and coolnisses ensood. I whaled her in the
afternoon, when she wuz tired, and she whaled
me in the mornin, when she wuz fresh. Had
I expendid the energy and strength consoomd
in whalin Looizer Jane in choppin cord-word,
I mite hev ownd a farm. I then tried the credit
system, but the unanimity with wich the barkeepers
all remarkt that “that thing wuz played
out,” wuz trooly surprisin to the undersined.
-- 069 --
[figure description] Page 069.[end figure description]
Knowin that I cood at eny time desert to my
Suthern frends, I felt satisfied at bein draftid.
Sence my enrollment in the ranks uv the Pelicans,
the romance uv the thing hez departid.
Nothin 2 eat, nothin to wear, no money, and
hard work. This is our fix. The plump, rosy
Nasby is no more—anserin 2 his name is a lean
indiviggooal, upon whose nose a bullet cood be
split.
I determined to better myself by marriage.
The idee wuz sejestid by our second corpral,
who interdoost me 2 a widder lady who lived
jest out uv town—the owner uv 2 thousand
akers. The akers inspired me, and I prest my
soot with vigger and arder. In a week the
thing wuz dun. I caught the regimental chaplin
sober enuff wun nite, and we wuz married.
Fer a day I wuz a happy man. I contemplatid
MY plantashen, and wept teers uv goy.
Suddenly my happiness bustid. The sargent
informed me that my wife—the future sharer
uv my goys and sorrers—wuz a OCTOROON, one-8th
NIGGER!—that she wuz a slave left in charge
by her mistress, and that the corpral did it jest
fer a goak! A purty goak to play upon a Dimekrat!
Nasby marryin a nigger!
My views hev changed on the slavery
-- 070 -- p631-069
[figure description] Page 070.[end figure description]
question. Amalgamashen is the cuss uv slavery.
The blacks hev bleached and bleached, until it
is almost impossible to distinguish the slave from
his owner. Wen the mix becomes wuss, wat
then? Wen the slave is ez white ez his master,
wat are yoo goin to do? Slavery, like a
man with a tape-worm, hez within itself the elements
necessary to its destruction. Amalgamashen
is the tape-worm uv slavery.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
XV. CONVERSES WITH A SOUTHERN SOLDIER.
Camp uv the Looisiana Pelicans, }
December the 11th, 1862.
I hed a conversashen tother day with a fellow-defender
uv the rites uv the South, wich ruther
startled me. I wuz a holdin 4th, with my yoosual
ability, on the blessidnis uv slavery, and wuz, uv
coarse, quotin hevy frum skripter to defend my
position. A member uv our company interruptid
me by remarkin that nacher hed spiled a great
rascal in me by not contribbitin a suffishent
amount uv brains. He continued his remarks:
“Nasby,” says he, “I know slavry is a cuss—
-- 071 --
[figure description] Page 071.[end figure description]
a onmittygatid cuss. I hed 18 niggers, and they
kept me as poor as a skim-milk cheese. The hogs
eat the corn, the niggers eat the hogs, and I lived
on what they left. To defend my property in
these niggers, we seceshed and startid a new guvment.
The new guvment took the corn, the hogs,
the niggers, and finally took me. My oldest dawter
run off with wun defender uv the flag, my wife
with another, and my youngest children is livin
with sum niggers 2 old fer the guverment to take.
I 've had my share uv rites, I hev. Ef there 's
any more comin to me, give em to some poor person
as needs em. I 'm jest more 'n rollin in a
perfooshn uv that kind uv wealth.”
“But,” sez I —
“Ther aint no buts,” sez he. “Yoo 're a Northern
man, and do n't hev niggers. Do n't defend
nigger. Ef I hev the itch, I may sware that itch
is a good thing; but wat sense is ther in yoor
swarin it, onasked and fer nothin. Sech stratejy
borders closely on lunacy. Let us squeeze our
own biles—do n't yoo do it gratooitous. Appolygize
fer your own sins—do n't shoulder ourn. I
may be mean for my own profit, but to act dirty
fer another man's use, and hev him kick ye for
doin it, is a lick ahead uv my comprehenshun.
Durn all sech men.”
-- 072 --
[figure description] Page 072.[end figure description]
And he stawkt indignantly away.
I hev reseevd more letters from frends in my
wunst happy but now distractid home than I kin
anser separately. I shel do it all to wunst, thus:
John M.—Shoemakin wood be a splendid biznis
here, only ther aint no leather. Practice haffsolin
with straw before yoo start.
W. G.—The pay uv a member uv the Mississippi
Legislater is $6 per diem, evry day, paid in
Confedrit 30 per cent. bonds, redeemable at the
pleasure uv the guverment any time within two
centuries. Come along. Almost any body kin git
offis in this state.
P. N.—Ther is a good openin fer a watchmaker
here. I am the only mechanic in this section uv
Mississippy. I fixt the kernel's watch yisterday;
forged a mane-spring out uv a baynet, and for a
chane used a fiddle-string. It do n't jest keep
time, but, ez it ticks, it ansers to bet on poker.
Fetch sum lard ile; tar won't work on watches,
even in this warm climate.
Amos.—The success uv our guverment is shoor.
Finances hez trubbled us, but our Sekretary uv
the Treasury hez bought 2 fast printin-presses,
and a lot uv paper on tick, and we now git all we
want.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 073 -- p631-072
XVI. AT HOME.
Wingert's Corners, February the 27th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 073.[end figure description]
A man who duz things frum principple kin
stand a good deal. I kin. Sustaned and soothed
by an unfaltrin trust in the rychusnis uv the
Suthrin coz, I stuck to my beluvd rejyment, the
Loozeaner Pelikins, with a tenassity wich I did
not dreme I possest. But ther is a pint beyond
wich human nacher can not go. I endoord hunger
and cold—I saw the rags drop off my muskeler
limbs, wun by wun—I murmered not. But,
wen the pantaloons wuz awl gone, wen my costoom
wuz a blanket and wun shoe, I applide fer new
pants, and the quarter-master onfeelinly remarkt
that my dress wuz all rite—that hereafter my costoom
wuz to be adoptid ez the uniform uv the
rejyment—I felt that desershun wuz no longer a
crime, and I deserted. It is entirely onnessary
to rekount awl I endoored in makin my eskaip.
Suffice it to say, that at Columbus I stript the
klose off uv an innebryatid solger, and maid my
way to Amandy Township. My old Dimekratik
friends did not kno me, and ez I expected to borry
-- 074 --
[figure description] Page 074.[end figure description]
money uv them, I deemed it best not to make myself
known.
They were suspishus uv my bloo kote at fust,
until wun uv them remarkt how I likd the
serviss?
To wich I anserd, “Dam the serviss!”
“Do n't admire fitin fer the nigger, eh?”
“Not any,” sez I.
“Why not desert?” sez he.
“I hev deserted,” sez I.
In a instant the aspeck uv things wuz changd.
A jug wuz prodoost, and they awl shook hands.
Wun, more richer nor the rest, handed me a treasury
note uv $10, sayin, “You may need it.”
I replide that, as a general thing, I wood hev
nothin to do with any paper that bore the babboon
likeness uv the usurper and tyrent Linkin;
but, under the sirkumstances, I wood endoor it
until I cood get it changd into Injeany munny.
They took up a kollekshun to wunst, fer my benefit,
which amounted to $43.
Jest at this pint wun uv em asked me to what
rejyment I belonged. I replide, “The Loozeaner
Pelikins.”
“Loozeaner!” sed another, “why, that's a Confedracy
rejyment, aint it?”
“To be sure,” sez I.
-- 075 --
[figure description] Page 075.[end figure description]
“And air yoo a deserter from a Suthrin rejyment?”
sez the benevolent old butternut who hed
invested $10 in the deserter biznis.
“Sartin,” sez I.
Seezin me by the throte, he ejackelated, “Give
me my money, you swindler!” And with a unanimity
trooly surprisin, they awl yelled, “Give me
my money, you swindler—you got it under false
pretences.” Hevin the munny safe in my pokkit,
I took these compliments with ekanimity, sidlin
out and gettin away ez soon ez possible.
I am disappointed in Amandy. Frum wat I
hed heard, I hed supposed they were kind to deserters.
I found that it makes much differense
wich side you desert from.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 076 -- p631-075
XVII. ASSISTS DRAFT RESISTERS.
In the Hands uv Linkin Hirelin }
Hoskinvill, March 26, 1863.
[figure description] Page 076.[end figure description]
I am in durance vile. Wunst more the tree uv
liberty is uprooted in my person; wunst more hev
the unrighteous tools uv the monster Linkin seized
my venerable form and incarceratid it in a basteel.
So many times hev I bin imprisoned fer
opinion's sake, that, ef I kin get a pardner with
capital, I shel go into the marterin biznis. But 2
my narrashen. When the news reechd me uv the
bold stand made by the heroes uv Hoskinvill in
opposition to the draft, I determined to throw myself
“in2 the deadly and imminent breech,” ez
W. Shakspeer hez it. I made my way to Hoskinville,
wuz reseeved with the wildest enthoosiasm
by the patriots ther assembled, and wuz to
wunst placed in command uv the forces. It wuz
a prowd day fer Nasby! Before me stood, leaned,
and laid, (akordin ez they hed emptied their canteens,
wich wuz all filled with new fitin whisky,)
two hundred uv the brave sons uv Hoskinvill,
from the rich, hory-headed farmer, (uv whom I
-- 077 --
[figure description] Page 077.[end figure description]
promptly borrerd 80 odd dollars,) to the gay and
sportive yooth uv 16, all consoomd with onquenchable
arder. I drilled sech uv them ez were suffishently
sober to keep their feet, nigh onto two
days, amoozin ourselves, into the intervals, with
passin resolooshens denouncin Linkin, and pledgin
ourselves to resist even un2 death.
At last our scouts brot us intelligence that two
companies uv bloo-coated hirelins wuz within 9
miles uv us, approachin at the rate uv wun and a
half miles per hour. “Ha!” shoutid I, “the foe!
they comest! Now, men uv Hoskinville and visinnity,
show yourselves men!” Accordinly another
meetin was immejitly organizd, chairman and
sekretary appointid, and a resolution passed,
pledgin the meetin to resist even un2 death, the
proseedins to be published in all the Dimekratik
papers. We adjourned, and I wuz about drawin
on em up in line uv battle, and wuz instructin uv
em to hold the muzzle uv the gun from instid uv
toward theirselves when they fired, and wuz explainin
to others the nesessity uv puttin the powder
down the barrel before the ball, and makin
sech other arrangements ez a wise and prudent
commander, determined to conker or die, would,
when suthin like a dozen uv em ejakilates:
“Gineral!”
-- 078 --
[figure description] Page 078.[end figure description]
Drawin myself up to my full hite, I anserd,
“Wat!”
“Gineral,” sez wun uv the oldest, “we are not
advantajesly postid. Wood it not be better on
the hill,” sed he, pintin to a high eminence jest
east uv the town. I perseeved at a glance the
strategik importance uv the position, as the enemy
wuz approachin from the west, and I ordered the
men to deploy by squadrons, in open right file
platoons, and okepy the summit. Never wuz a
order obeyed with greater alacrity. I hev a reputashen
fer speed—I kin rival the courser and outstrip
the jentle gazelle, but they shot past me like
a arrow. Their enthoosiasm carried em to the
top uv the hill, and how much further I hev no
menes uv knowin, ez when I reached the top uv
the hill not wun uv the resisters wuz in site.
I wuz arrested that nite. In vain I protested
that I wuz a Methodist preacher sellin fruit-trees,
My nose, wich blossoms ez the lobster, and a copy
of the Noo York Day-Book I hed in my pocket,
wuz aginst me, and I wuz to wunst confined. My
feelins is hurt.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 079 -- p631-078
XVIII. STRATEGISES.
Wingert's Corners, May the 15th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 079.[end figure description]
Dimokrasy hezn't ez many hobbies now ez it
used to hev, and it is somewhat difficult to keep
the people strung up the proper pitch. Nigger is
all the capital we hev left, and its rayther tough
work to keep the old machine runnin. In Union
and Orange their blood dident bile when I told
em that 40,000 niggers wuz on their way to that
section—nary bile. So I hed recourse to strategy.
Last Friday nite I prokoored some lamp-black
and lard-ile, and applyin it to my classic countenance,
and my laber-staned hands, transformd
myself into a villainous contraband. Then I proceeded
after night to the south end uv the township,
and at daylight commenst goin north. The
skeem workt beautiful. At every house the follerin
conversashen wood ensoo:
“Hello, Cuff, wher you from?”
“Tennisee, massa.”
“Wher you goin?”
“I'se gwine to stop sum 'ers 'bout heah.”
“Who sent you North?”
-- 080 --
[figure description] Page 080.[end figure description]
“Kurnel Niblin, and de Ablishners ob de 21st.”
“Dam Niblin, and yoo too. Git!”
Wich I alluz did. Then goin back I'd take
another road, stealin sich trifles ez shirts and
stockins, and usin sich other means uv arousin
our people 2 a realizin sense uv the cuss uv a
floatin nigger populashen ez sejested themselves
to my mind. It became a serious thing though,
for on the fourth day so many hed seen me, that
they reely sposd the nigger invashen had commenst,
and they hunted me. I run a mile, and
findin they were gainin on me, darted into the
woods, washed, and come out ez the original
Nasby.
Lord! what an enthoosiastic meetin we had
that night. Their faith in the nigger invasion
hed bin shaky, but it was now firm. They had
seen em. Wun had seen 38 that day, uv wich
number he wuz proud to say he had killed 5. I
larfed innardly, but held my peece. Desepshen
is justifiable now and then. I kin do it. I only
borrered $4 in Union.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 081 -- p631-080
XIX. ADDRESSES THE SOLDIERS.
[figure description] Page 081.[end figure description]
At a meetin uv the manejers uv the ginoowine
Dimokrasy, consistin uv the illustrious Vallandigum
and myself, it was resolved to ishoo a address
to the soljers uv the Cumberland. Vallandigum,
hevin failed in the habus corpus biznis, is
employin his spare time in amusin of hisself in
Fort Warin, wich is near Boston. The dooty,
there4, devolves upon me.
Soljers: Ez individooels hevin votes, I esteem
you; ez invaders of Dimekratik states, ez men engaged
in the slawtrin uv Dimekrats by the 1000,
ez bloo-koted tools uv a Abolishn despotism, I can
not smile on you approvinly.
Sum uv you wuz Dimekrats, who, without contemplatin
the konsekences to the party, volunteerd.
Faytle errer! incomprehensible stoopidity!
And I regret 2 lern that, notwithstandin we hev
told you over and over that it is a Abolishn war,
you laff at our sollum warnins, and menny uv you
hev turnd Abolishnists yureselves.
We warned yoo uv the evils that wood naterally
foller Abolishn victoris. To show you that we
-- 082 --
[figure description] Page 082.[end figure description]
proffeside correctly, I call yure attenshun to the
follerin strictly Dimekratik fact. Since the commensement
uv the war the addishn uv niggers to
Northern Ohio hez bin ez folloze:
| Hankok, |
28,000 |
| Wood, |
84,000 |
| Lorane, (wich is near Oberlin,) |
103,000 |
[All uv wich is studyin fer the ministry, drawin
cavelry captin's pay and rashens, till they gradoo8,
inclooding 2 white servants, each.]
And so on, ad infinytum. These niggers are
workin in sitooashens you wunst okepied. The
tailor shops, blacksmith shops, shoe shops, and
stores is all filld with these noosencis, fresh from
Suthrin plantashens. So yoo see that while they
hev seezed upon yure labor, you air taxt by a
nigger-luvin government to support them in idlenis.
But there is moar fax:
| Number uv soljer's wives who died uv starvashen
in Hankok County last week, |
1,253 |
Besides 1 small wooman they did not count.
And all this time (my blud biles wen I think uv
it) the entire nigger popelashen is bein fed on
briled sirline stake stufft with oysters. 238 white
-- 083 --
[figure description] Page 083.[end figure description]
men hev marrid black femails, within 2 weeks,
also 803 white wimmin to black men, all in the
corporashen uv Wingert's Corners, the guverment
payin license, preecher's fee, and the bridle outfit,
incloodin furnytoor to start em howskeepin.
It is useless to multiply instances. You are
ecksposin yure lives and helth, just 2 set free a
army uv shiftlis niggers, who wont work, and who,
by takin yure plasis on the farms and in the workshops,
will prevent you from earnin a honist livin
wen yoo git back.
Soljers, remember these things wen yoo vote
this fall. Under Dimekratik rule, wen the Sowth
roold us percisely as they wantid 2, awl wuz peese.
We kin hev it agin on the saim terms, with perhaps
the payin uv the expensis they have incurred
in manetanin uv ther rites, payin penshuns 2 the
widders uv them yoo hev wikkidly slane, et settery.
Soljers! you kin emansipate yureselves. Shoot
yure orfisers, throw down yure arms, and cum
home. The old party is in danger, and without
you it 'll go to rooin a canterin. Shel any feelin
uv pride in yure country deter you frum comin
wen yure party is in peril? I can not believe it.
Petroleum V Nasby.
-- 084 -- p631-083
XX. ORGANIZES A DEMOCRATIC CHURCH.
Wingert's Corners, June the 6th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 084.[end figure description]
Nuthin hez dun so much agin the Dimokrasy
ez churches, skool-houses, Sundy-skools, preachers,
and sich. Here, our people hev awoken to the
dangerous tendencies uv sich instooshns, and
hev set about viggerously to suppress em. Ez
this work is wat my hart delites in, I organized
the pious portion uv the Dimokrasy, that we
mite do our work well and thorough. When
my jigantic intellek hez a chance, the work is
shoor to be well done, and I hev the satisfaction
uv announcin the complete destruction uv
two churches, the drivin off uv 5 preachers, and
the frightnin uv many wimin.
But my mission is not alone to tear down—I
bild up. The ijee segestid itself to my fertile
mind, that a strikly Dimekratik Church and
Sundy-skool wood not only help the cause, but
afford me an easy livin.
It wuz dun, and I am reglarly installed ez
the paster uv the First Dimekratik Church uv
Ohio.
-- 085 --
[figure description] Page 085.[end figure description]
The follerin is the order uv exercises:
1. People assemble at the second tootin uv the
horn.
2. Readin uv one uv the follerin passages uv
Skripter: 9th chapter uv Jennysis, wich relates
the cussin uv Canaan, provin that niggers is
Skriptoorally slaves; and the chapters about Hayger
and Onesimus, wich proves the Fugitive-slave
Law to be skriptooral. (The rest uv the Bible
we consider figgerative, and pay no attenshun to
it watever.)
3. Singin—“O, we 'll hang Abe Linkin on a
sour apple-tree,” or some other improvin ode,
hevin a good moral.
4. Readin extrax from the Noo York Argus.
5. Singin—“O, John Brown's body hangs a
danglin in the air.”
6. Reading from the Day-Book.
7. Lecture on watever phase uv the nigger
question may seem appropriate.
We hev also organized a Sundy-skool on a
pure basis. I spent much time in gettin up a
katekizm, uv wich the follerin is a sample:
Q. Wat is the cheef end uv man?
A. To whale niggers and vote the Dimekratik
tikkit forever.
Q. Wat do the Skripters teach?
-- 086 --
[figure description] Page 086.[end figure description]
A. That a angel sent Hayger back to her mistress;
that Paul sent Onesimus back; and “Servance
obey yure masters.”
Q. Who wuz Onesimus and Hayger?
A. Onesimus wuz a mulatter, and Hayger a
octoroon.
Q. Wat is sin?
A. Skratchin a ticket.
Q. Who compose the Dimekratik trinity?
A. Vallandigum, Brite, and Fernandywood.
Q. Wat is the first duty uv man?
A. To beware uv Ablishn lies; to rally to the
poles; to vote early; and to bring in the agid, the
infirm, and the ideotik.
To stimoolate the infant mind I hev institootid
a system uv rewards, ez follows:
For commitin 2 verses uv Vallandigum's address,
1 beer check, good at the Corners; 5 verses,
2 checks; 12 verses, 4 checks; and to the child
hevin the most verses, a copper-mounted butternut
pin.
We hed a festival yesterday. The tables wuz
bounteously spred with bolony, liver-worst, and
crackers, wile a barl uv native whisky furnisht
the flooids nessary. It wuz a tetchin site to see
the mothers, with maternal solissitood, a mixin
nacher's great restorer with water and sorgum
-- 087 -- p631-086
[figure description] Page 087.[end figure description]
surup, to adapt it to the infantile stumick. Fer
my part, I alluz take mine strait.
I bleeve good will be accomplisht. Last week,
in makin a pastoral visit, jest about noon, to the
house uv wun uv my flock, who hez fine poultry,
I wuz amoosed at hearin a meer infant, only
three years uv old, swinging his little hat, and
cry, “Hooraw for Jeff Davis.” It wuz tetchin.
Pattin the little patriot on the head, I instantly
borrowd five cents uv his father to present to him.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
XXI. GOES ON WITH HIS CHURCH.
Church of St. Vallandigum, June the 10th, 1863.
We hed a blessid and improvin time yisterday.
My little flock staggered in at the usual hour in
the mornin, every man in a heavenly frame uv
mind, hevin bin ingaged all nite in a work uv
mercy, to-wit: a mobbin uv 2 enrollin officers.
One uv em resisted, and they smote him hip and
thigh, even ez Bohash smote Jaheel. (Skriptooral,
wich is nessary, bein in the ministry.) He
wuz left for dead.
-- 088 --
[figure description] Page 088.[end figure description]
We opened servis by singin a hym, wich I writ,
commencin ez follows:
“Shel niggers black this land possess,
And mix with us up here?
O no, my frends, we rayther guess
We 'll never stand that 'ere.
I then held forth from this text: “Whar hev
ye laid him?” I statid that the person I referred
to wuz the marterd Vallandigum, and I, in behaff
uv a outraged Dimokrasy, demanded uv the
tyrant Linkin, “Wher hev yoo laid him?” A
unconvertid individooal sed, “He 's laid him out!”
wich remark cost him a broken head. I went on
to show why our saint hed bin martered. It wuz
becoz he wuz a Dimekrat—becoz he dared to exercise
the rites guaranteed to every American,
exceptin Ablishnists and niggers, uv aboosin the
guverment. Fer this, and nuthin else, wuz he
eggsiled. “My frends,” sez I, drawin myself up
to my full hite, and lookin as much like Fernandywood
ez possible, “I am willin to be marterd.
I denounce this war as unholy, unconstooshnel,
unrighteous, and unmittygated. It is nuthin less
than a invashen uv Dimekratik states, for the sole
purpus uv freein niggers. Linkin is a tyrant,
Burnside a tool, Order 38 a relik uv barberism,
-- 089 --
[figure description] Page 089.[end figure description]
and I will resist the enrollment, the conskripshen,
and the tax. Hooray fer Geff Davis.”
Our class-meetin wuz more interestiner than
ever. One old, white-headed brother sed that at
times his way was dark, and his pathway gloomy.
Wunst he wuz very near becomin a infidle. He
reely believed at one time that the nigger was
human, and wunst he voted for a Republican road
supervisor. But he hed repented, and was, he
trusted, forgiven. His mind wuz now easy, and
he should vote the whole Dimekratik tickit.
Two backsliders, who scratched their tickits last
fall, confest their sin, publicly. I exhorted em
two hours, fined em a gallon uv whisky appeece,
and took em into full communion. The whisky
will be devotid to the missionary service, wich
is me.
This is a deliteful feeld uv labor. At the Corners
they give me sech flooids ez I need at all
the doggeries but one, and at that one they trust
me, wich amounts to the same thing. I hev borrid
uv my flock over 60 dollars already. It is a
rich feeld, and wun wich will endoor much workin.
My nose is deepnin in color every hour.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 090 -- p631-089
XXII. “CAPCHERD. ”
In a Linkin Basteel, Columbus, June the 20th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 090.[end figure description]
Agen I am in durence vile. Agen I am in
the hands uv Linkin's hirelin minyuns, and my
Church is without a paster. The sheperd is smitten
and the sheep may be scattered. Were it not
for two barls uv whisky that we hed in the church,
I dout wether the organnyzashen wood continner.
My prayer is that the cohesive flooid may hold
out till I return. My capcher wuz ez follose:
Wen the Dimekrats, the peece men of Homes
County, declared war, I threw off the sacerdotle
robes and tuk up the sword. Arrivin at Millersberg,
I jined the peece forces to onct. Ability
is alluz recognizd, and I wuz immejitly made commander-in-cheef
uv the forsis. A full uniform uv
butiful butternut cloth, and a copperheded sword
wuz presented me. I immejitly commenst drillin
the men, and in 2 days hed them perfishent in
compny and battalyun drill.
We fortyfide, buildin gabeyuns, faseens, and
eliptiks, and neglectid no precaushen to make
victry sure. Fifteen hundred strong, we pledgd
-- 091 --
[figure description] Page 091.[end figure description]
ourselves to hist the black flag, and never surrender.
Finally the enemy hove in site. Ez they cum
up, our men trembled with anxiety to meet em.
Sum too hunderd askt permishen to withdraw
frum the fortyfications, make a detoor over the
hill, and flank em, wich request, bein unwillin to
restrane their arder, I ackseded to. Sum 500
jined em, and I spoze are detoorin yit, ez I hev
never seen em since. This movement wuz fatle,
ez all went who were sober enuff 2 walk. Jest
afterwards cum the catastrofy. Ten uv the very
men who hed bin foremost in advisin resistence,
cum up with the Fedrals, and advised a surrender!
Hopin to gane time, I askt too hours to
consider. Unfortnit errer! Before the too hours
wuz up, haff the men wuz sober, and, instid uv
histin the black flag, they capitoolatid, delivrin up
the ringleeders. I wuz taken ez a hed ringleeder,
and wuz ironed and taken to Columbus, wher I
now am.
In hopes uv keepin my flock 2gether, I writ em
a epistle, as follows:
To the Fatheful at Wingert's Corners, greetin:
I rite you in bonds. I beseech you, deerly beluved,
to be stedfast in yure faith, holdin on to
-- 092 --
[figure description] Page 092.[end figure description]
sech truth ez I left you. Be viggelent in good
works, patient in chasin enrollin offisers, and
quick in tarrin and feathrin on em. For tho, I
am not with you, the tar-barl and what's left uv
the feathers is in my study, jest behint the whisky
barls. Be temprit. Ten er 20 nips per day is
enuff fer eny man in helth; if weakly, the number
may be indefinitly increest. I am alluz in
bad helth. Bewair uv false teechers. Let no
Triboons pizen yer minds—stick close to the Crysis.
Keep up yure Sundy exercises; ef yoo hev
wun among you that kin rede, let him next Sundy
eddify yoo with Pooh's speech. Neglect not the
Sundy-skool. That proper interest may be kept
up in the minds uv the children, I wood sejest
that Sundy afternoons you ketch a preecher and
hev the darlins rotten-egg him. “Jest ez the
twig is bent,” et settry. Be ennerjetik in tearin
down meetin-houses, fer they are injoorin us. In
conclooshen, deerly beluved, remember me. Send
me a eucher deck, a too-gallon jug uv corn joose;
also, the weekly collekshun. Ef I survive I will
with be you agen. In faith, yures.
Ef they send wat I want, I shell be comfortable
hear. In chains, but unsubdood,
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 093 -- p631-092
XXIII. STARTS A PAPER.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, June the 30th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 093.[end figure description]
I am back in the midst uv my flock. I coodent
be a marter. The Fedral orfisers dismist me with
the insultin remark that I wuz 2 smal pertaters
to notis. Hevin time on my hands, and feelin
that I 'm livin in vane onless I am doin suthin for
the grate coz, I hev determined to ishoo a paper,
devoted to disseminatin my vews. I ishood my
prospectusses to-day, uv which the follerin is wun:
TO THE PURE DIMOKRASY!
Prospectus uv the “Marter and Tirent Resister!”
Orgust 1st, the undersined will ishoo the fust
number uv a paper bearin the above title, devoted
to the interests uv the pure Dimokrasy. To inshoor
the fatheful just sech a paper ez they need,
the follerin able writers hev bin ingayjed, regardless
uv expence:
On arbitrary arrests—Petroleum V. Nasby.
On habis corpuss—P. V. Nasby.
On nigger—P. Volcano Nasby.
On vilashens uv Constooshnal rites—Mr. Nasby.
-- 094 --
[figure description] Page 094.[end figure description]
This brilyunt gallacksy uv intelleck, under the
edytoral control uv Petroleum V. Nasby.
The “Marter and Tirent Resister” will support
Vallandigum, and while givin the guvernment a
harty support in puttin down the rebelyun, will
uv coarse oppose—
Coercin the secedid staits;
Invadin the secedid staits;
Raisin armies by volunteerin;
Raisin armies by draft er conscripshen;
Raisin meens by tax or tariff;
Arrestin uv men for sympathisin with the
Southern Dimokrasy;
Arrestin uv eny body for any thing;
The usin uv niggers ez soljers;
The usin uv white men ez soljers;
Every thing the Administrashen hez dun, is doin,
er may hereafter do.
It will viggerously advokate—
The Constitooshn ez it is;
Doin away uv the Constitooshn;
The Union ez it wuz;
The plan for dividin the Union in2 4 parts;
The elekshen uv troo Dimekrats to good payin
offises;
The enforsement uv the laws;
The resistin uv conskripshen and enrolin offisers;
-- 095 --
[figure description] Page 095.[end figure description]
Morality and good order;
The mobbin uv Methodis, Presbyterin, Luthrin,
Brethrin, and uther hetrodox churches.
I appele confidently too the Dimokrasy for support.
The actooal, ginooine principles uv Dimokrasy
need a able defender, and I 'm the identicle
individooal. My hole sole is in the coz, and I am
pecooliarly fitted by eddicashen and tastes for the
posishen.
I bleeve the speckelashen will pay hevy. My
Church welkomed me back with a corjality trooly
affectin. They held a festivle on my return, to
wich the Sundy-skool skolars wuz present. I unbended
myself, and kist em onct apeece, takin a nip
of corn essense atween times, wich wuz nessary.
Mistakin a mother for her infant, the infooriated
husband assaulted me. I wuz reskood afore much
damij wuz dun. A speshl church meetin will be
held too consider his case.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 096 -- p631-095
XXIV. PREACHES AND MAKES A SUDDEN SHIFT.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, July the 7th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 096.[end figure description]
I preached last Sunday from the text, “Break
every yoke and let the opprest go free.” I went
on to show that this text had no reference watever
to niggers. Niggers wuz ordained 2 be bondmen,
from the very day Noah took a overdose uv the
great happyfier, and cust Canaan. But the text,
like the Deklarashen uv Independense and the
ever-blessid Constitooshn, wuz made solely for
white men. It hed undoubted reference to the
payin uv debts. Wat heavier yoke is ther than
notes? and who is more opprest than he who
pays ten per cent.? “Burn yer notes, and let
yer debtors go free,” wood be a more correcter
readin uv the passage.
In our biznis meetin in the afternoon, the question
uv the draft wuz considered. It was plain
that the enrolement cood not be prevented. The
enrolin orfisers hed managed to do it, and it wuz
a sertinty that every name atwixt 18 and 45 wuz
down. And we were also satisfied that the draft
cood be enforst, and there4 it behooves us to
-- 097 --
[figure description] Page 097.[end figure description]
make it ez light ez possible, more espeshly ez
when wun uv us is draftid, he will hev 2 to go,
not hevin the nessary 300 dollars. It is here ez
it is in all excloosivly Dimekratik communities—
the grocery keepers absorb all the capital. The
follerin resolutions were past:
Wareas, Our nashen is involved in a horrible,
fratrisidle war, the same bein unholy, and
waged solely 2 free the nigger and enslaiv the
white man, wich is therefore our duty to oppose
the same; therefore, be it
Resolvd, That we are in favor uv raisin our
quota by volunteerin, and hereby urge the same.
Resolvd, That we consider the employment uv
niggers, ez soljers, ez not only justifiable, but
highly commendable.
Resolvd, That a committee be appinted to sekoor
the settlement uv 2 hundred families uv niggers
in this township, excloosivly for volunteerin
purposes.
The resolooshens wuz past, and the committees
appointed. The very next day we heerd uv
Vicksburg and Gettysburg. I to wunst blew the
horn and got my flock together, told em the
news, and offerd the following resolooshens:
Wareas, Our beloved country is involved in
a bloody war against rebels and traitors—
-- 098 --
[figure description] Page 098.[end figure description]
(A old man interrupted me, sayin, “W-h-a-t?”
Payin no attenshen, I proceeded.)
And in sich a crisis the dooty uv every troo
citizen is to sustain the guvernment; therefore,
be it
Resolvd, That the Dimokrasy are, ez they alluz
hev bin, in favor uv a viggerus prossekooshen uv
the war.
Resolvd, That our confidence in the great Vallandigum
is unabated; and, bleevin him to be the
only actooal war man in Ohio, shel give him our
harty support.
Resolvd, That the reports uv troubles in Ohio
and Ingeany is lies, got up to deseeve the people.
The resolooshens wuz past, tho I had to tell em
twice to vote for em. We immejitly hunted up 2
enrollin orfisers, who we tarred and feathered sum
weeks ago, jest after Hooker wuz defeated by
Lee at Chanslerville, when we spozd our Suthern
brethrin wood triumph, and giv em a public dinner.
Ef all the leaders of the Dimokrasy were ez
sagashus ez me, the old party wood hev smooth
sailin. Alas! how few hev the gigantik intellek
uv Nasby! I hev written to my frends, advisin
em to shift ez soon ez possible.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 099 -- p631-098
XXV. OBSERVES A DAY OF FASTING.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, July the 20th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 099.[end figure description]
Yisterdy wuz set apart by my congregashen
ez a day uv fastin and humiliashen for our misforchunes
at Gettizberg, and the loss uv Port
Hudson and Vixburg. I ishood the follerin direxshens
for the proper observance uv the fast,
to-wit:
1. Nip before breckfust not 2 eckseed two jills.
2. For breckfust no animil food permitted,
ceptin ham and eggs, beef, etz.
3. For dinner, ditto; supper same ez on uther
daze.
4. Beer 2 be taken by the single glass, and
pretzels to be eaten without salt on em.
5. These rules to be void in the case uv peepil
over 35 and invalids, who may hev ther sustainin
flooids ez usual.
I preecht frum this text, “O, mi sole, why art
thow cast down?” I told em we wuz cast down
becoz uv Meed's whippin Lee; becoz uv Grant's
takin Vixburg, and Banks's takin Port Hudson.
That 's what 's the matter with us. That 's what
-- 100 --
[figure description] Page 100.[end figure description]
hez cast a shadder over owr countnansis, and
changd the hue uv our nozes from the brilyunt
crimsun to the gastly bloo! The flattrin hopes uv
a successful invashen uv the North is dasht—
likewise the releef uv Vixburg, and now, to fill
our cup uv sorrer, Jon Morgan's command is destroyd.
But still, my frends, ther is a silver linin
2 evry clowd—wich is poetry. There is wun ray
uv hope amid all this gloom. I allood 2 the late
constooshnal demonstrashens in Noo York. Ther
wuz a victory. The draft-books wuz destroyed
and the draft wuz stopped. But ther wuz a bigger
triumph than stoppin the draft. Niggers wuz
killd—the prowd Anglo-Saxn riz in his mite and
stoned the niggers! Halleloojy! At this pint
sum uv the awjence becum sleepy, and to arowse
them I becum faseshus. Why, sez I, wuz the
Dimokrasy, who mauld the niggers in Noo York,
a most ennerjetic and perseverin people? Becoz,
anserd I, they left no stone unturned 2 effect their
purpus. The ijee uv interdoosin conundrums in2
the pullpit is orijenel with me. I closed by exhortin
uv em too stand firm. Ef we kin elect
Vallandigum, we may yet check the Fedral guvment
in its victorus carere. With Ohio all rite
for constooshnal rites, the game uv subjoogashen
wood be playd out. Let us, sed I, never falter
-- 101 --
[figure description] Page 101.[end figure description]
nor faint, but press onnard 2 the mark uv our
high callin. Ez the Isrelites threw down the
walls uv Gerryko by blowin rams' horns, so kin
we by blowin our horns throw down the walls
of this Abolishn Gerryko. Blow your horns, my
brethrin; for whoso bloweth not his own horn,
the same shall not be blown, but whoso bloweth
his own horn, the same shall be blown with a
muchness.
We took a numerashen uv owr Church with a
vew to the draft, with the follerin result:
| Hole number uv male members, |
200 |
| Over 45, |
50 |
| Under 18, |
50 |
| Badly rupcherd, and utherwise diseasd, |
92 |
| Gone to Canady 2 visit ther uncles, |
8 |
| Total |
200 |
We are easy in our minds on this subjic.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 102 -- p631-101
XXVI. VISITS VALLANDIGHAM.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, July the 27th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 102.[end figure description]
I hev jest returned from a visit to our persekootid
saint, Vallandigum. The marter wuz
holdin a resepshun at the Clifton House wen I
arrove. He caught site uv me ez soon ez I entered
the room, and he rusht in2 my arms, and
droopin his head on2 my heavin buzm, weept
aloud:
“Marterd saint!” sez I, with a voice tremulous
with emoshen.
“Sufferer fer truth!” sez he; and then this
trooly grate man whispered, “Jest keep in this
posishn a minnit—the artist uv the Noo York
Illustratid Flapdoodle is makin a sketch uv us;”
wich we did, standin locked in2 each other's arms,
and weepin profoosely fer 15 minits. It wuz exhaustin
and tiresum, but fer the cause I endoord
it. The picter will appear in next week's Flapdoodle,
headed “The 2 Grate Minds uv the Age!
Affecting meeting uv Vallandigum and Nasby!”
The matter akompnyin the picter will be written
by Vallandigum and myself—he writin wat relates
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 105 --
[figure description] Page 105.[end figure description]
2 hisself, and I wat relates 2 myself. We kin
do ourselves justis. After the Eastern delegashen
hed gone thro the cerrymony uv kissin his
feet, wich cleaned em, he dismist em, and we wuz
alone.
“Nasby,” says the great C. L., “how is things
in my nativ state?”
“Squally,” sez I.
“Wat wuz the pervalin sentiment uv the people
as to my eggsile?”
“They wuz extremely glad uv it.”
“The akount uv my prostrashen—my untold
suffrins, et settry, wich I hed publisht in the papers;
did that not affect them?”
“Yes; they left.”
“Did not the affectin akount uv the wife uv my
buzm and my cherub babes a jinin me here, 2
share my lonely eggsile, move em?”
“Nary move.”
“Nasby, the peeple is stun. But I 'll fetch em.
`Nil despritrando' is my motto.”
After a few moments uv profound silence, he
resoomd:
“I must be guvner, fer how else kin we prevent
the subjugashen uv the Dimekratik staits?
Elect me, and therd be no trouble about drafts,
onless we shood git involved in a war with the
-- 106 --
[figure description] Page 106.[end figure description]
United States. The Confederacy wood be recognized,
Ohio wood go with the South, and slavery
wood be interdoost, and as we woodent hev eny
further use fer em, poor men woodent be allowed
to vote, making me perpetooal guvner. Nasby,
we must succeed.”
“Certainly. But we 're in a tite plais. Our
speekers is embarist. It takes a gigantik intellek
to bring the pints 2gether. A anicdote: A
spritely boy wunst put 200 eggs in a nest for a
hen to set on. Sez his maternal mother:
“`My son, why puttist thou so many eggs under
the hen? She canst not kiver em.'
“`Certinly she canst not; but, thunder! I want
to see her spread herself.'
“Jest so. Our speakers is in the same fix. The
outside egg in the Dimekratik nest is opposition
to the war. Tother side uv the nest, 200 eggs distant,
is the support uv the war. To kiver em all
requires great stretchin capacity.”
“Troo, 2 troo. But we must mix it, and trust to
luck. In loyal counties, stuff em with dilooted
patriotism; in OUR counties, pure secesh. The
people is jest ez gullible now ez ever they wuz.”
I left the patriot and sage much comforted.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 107 -- p631-106
XXVII. CONVERSES WITH A BROTHER.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, }
Wingert's Corners, Orgust the 9th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 107.[end figure description]
I hed a brother who left his paternal roof in
18forty-nine, fer the perpus uv makin a fortin, a
follerin the briny deep. He did n't maik a fortin,
however, makin fortins bein a thing fer wich the
Nasby family is not cellebratid. He had bin
absent all uv the time, and hed heard never a word
frum his naytiv land. He went frum this county,
and wen he landid at Noo York, he cum strate 2
this plais. I reseeved him with open arms.
“Josef,” sez I, “do yoo still remane troo 2 the
Dimekratik faith?”
“Petroleum,” sez he, “I do. Ez wuz resolvd
in our konvenshun the yere afore I startid, I
bleeve that slaivry is a evil, and that the Dimokrasy
uv Ohio shood use all constooshnel means to
mittygait and finelly eraddycait it, and”—
“Hold,” sez I, “times is changd. The Dimokrasy
now look upon slaivry ez a blessin; but,
go on.”
“I bleeve,” resoomd he, “that the settlin uv the
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question uv slaivry by the Missory Compermise
wuz rite; and”—
“Hold on,” sez I, “we repeeld the Compermise.”
“I bleeve,” retorted he, feebly, “that slaivry is
the creecher uv lokle legislashen, and shood be
exclooded frum the territories; and”—
“Stiddy,” sez I, “the Dimokrasy is in favor uv
extendin it all over the territories.”
“Well,” sez Josef, sez he, “I 'm fer the Union,
wun and indivizable; that 's Dimokrasy, aint it?”
“Yes,” sez I, “with sevral ifs and much buts.
We are jest now, ez a party, ingaygd in the deliteful
work uv splittin up the old Union in2 4
parts, as per Vallandigum. Josef, your behint
the age. You see, Josef, we wuz fer the Union,
wun and indivizable, jest so long ez the Dimokrasy,
wich wuz mostly lokated Sowth, hed controle
uv sed Union. In them days Noo England
wuz under. Then things changd. Noo England
spred over the West, and ther wuz danger uv losin
the controle. To check em, we commenst legislatin;
fustly repeelin the Compermise, so they mite
take niggers ther, if they cood git in fast enuff.
That wuz a failyer. Then we decided that the
constooshn pertected slaivry, and that it cood go
ther anyhow. Still Noo England beet us, electin
-- 109 --
[figure description] Page 109.[end figure description]
a Abolishn President, and we bolted, so that we
cood git shet uv New England. And that 's wat
the war's about.”
Sez Josef, sez he:
“Petroleum, to me it doth seem that all that 's
left uv the Dimokrasy, to which I wunst belongd,
is the naim.”
2 which I sentenshusly replide:
“It air.”
Sez Josef, sez he, “Petroleum, I can't git it
thro me. Ef I hed staid at home, perhaps I
mite hev took these changis down, wun at a time,
but at wun dose it 's 2 much. Therefoar, Petroleum
V., consider me owt. The old flag 's good
enuff fer me, I thank you, and Androo Jaxn wuz
abowt the style uv a Dimekrat you mite bet yer
bottom dollar on. I repoodiate the hull on 't. I
do n't like egg-shells, ner nuthin wat aint got no
meet into it; by wich strikin mettyfor I meen to
say that a party that hez dispozd uv its prinsipples,
and lives on a empty naim, aint the assosiashen
fer any body but a low graid uv ijeots, and
a high graid uv skoundrels, sech ez would garrote
the Goddis uv Liberty fer the white cotton nite
gownd she is piktorelly represented ez wearin.
Petroleum V., adoo.”
-- 110 -- p631-109
[figure description] Page 110.[end figure description]
The next day he enlistid. I saw him depart
with a bloo kote on. Ez he haddent a dollar that
I cood borrer, I wuz rejoist to see him go.
Respectively,
Petroleum V. Nasby.
XXVIII. CONFESSION OF FAITH.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, Orgust the 31st, 1863.
We hed the glorusist kind uv a seesun yisterday.
The winders wuz opend, and a showr uv
pure Dimekratik grace desendid upon us, and we
wuz blest. Glory! We reseeved into our Zion
18 young men, who reseevd the faith by inheritance,
ther fathers hevin alluz voted the strait
ticket. The follerin is the Confeshun uv Faith
too wich they subscribed:
Queshn—Dostest thow bleeve that Canaan wuz
doomd to bondig becoz uv Noer's gittin tite; that
Hayger and Onezimus prove the skriptoorality of
the fugytiv-slaiv law; that, taken ez a hull, they
show that the ketchin uv niggers with dorgs is
commendible and evangelikle?
Dostest thow bleeve that the present war is
-- 111 --
[figure description] Page 111.[end figure description]
unconstooshnel and unholy; that it wuz brot
on by the Abolishnists interferin with slaivry;
that the bombardment uv Sumter wuz rite, tho
hasty?
Dostest thow bleeve that Linkin is a tyrent
and usurper; that he hed no rite too subjoogait
the Sowth; that his callin out troops wuz unconstooshnel;
and that every thing he hez dun, since
the war begun, is likewise unconstooshnel?
Dostest thow bleeve that Vallandigum wuz sent
in2 the world to save the Dimekratik party; that
in doin it he wuz arestid at Dayton, tride afore
Ponteus Burnside, and sent Sowth; that, after 3
months, he riz agen in Canydy, whense he shel
cum ez soon ez hese electid, and Pooh goes after
him with 300 thowsan?
Dostest thow take the Crisis?
Dostest thow bleeve that the sentrel committis
is the sole dispenser uv opinyun, and wiltest thow
alluz yawp wen they wink?
Dostest thow bleeve that skratchin a tikkit is
the onpardonable sin?
Dostest thow bleeve that this war wuz got up
to free niggers, and that to-day Linkin hez 75,000
niggers in the North, a feedin on fride oysters and
hot punch?
Dostest thow bleeve that Lee is the greatest
-- 112 --
[figure description] Page 112.[end figure description]
gineral uv the age, and that all reports uv Fedral
victries is lies?
Dostest thow bleeve Ben Butler's a beast, and
Hamlin a mulatter?
Wiltest thow pledge yurself 2 uncompremisinly
oppose yure sisters marrying niggers, no matter
how much they want to?
2 all uv these questuns the candidates anserd:
“I dost.” Bro. Tuttle extendid the rite hand uv
fellowship, and after making a × to their names,
wich I hed previously ritten in our church-book,
they wuz made members of my flock.
The coz is prosperin. We commense a series
uv revival meetins next week, and hev made extensiv
preparashens therefor. 10 barls of condenst
Dimokrasy, 20 barls uv beer, and 300 yards
uv bolony hez bin pervided. Ther will be a outporin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 113 -- p631-112
XXIX. PREACHES—SUBJECT, “GIVIN. ”
Church uv St. Vallandigum, September the 21st, 1863.
[figure description] Page 113.[end figure description]
I preeched yisterday frum this text: “Verely
I say unto yoo, it is moar blesseder toe give than
toe reseeve.”—Joab xvii: 313 to '21, incloosiv.
The inspird riter hed, no dout, the Dimekratik
party in his mind's eye, wen he rit them words
uv wisdom. Experence hez shode the trooth uv
them sentens, and ef it hadent, youd be bound to
bleeve it, coz I, your paster, sez so, wich is Dimokrasy.
To illustrait, we shell inquire:
1. Wat is givin?
Givin is givin, wich is suffishently cleer explanashen
fer all practikle perpuses.
2. Wen shood we giv?
This pint reqwires moar eloocydashen. We
must giv alluz, fer it is moar blessider toe giv
ner toe reseeve. The Dimokrasy hez alluz bin
scriptooral in this partikeler. Wen the Sowth
wantid Misoory, we giv it. Wen she wantid a
fugytiv-slaiv law, we giv it. Wen she wantid
Texis, and Kansas, and Nebrasky, we giv it—halleloogy!
Wen she wantid Bookannon, we giv it;
-- 114 --
[figure description] Page 114.[end figure description]
and wen she demandid Duglisses hed, we giv it,
fer it is moar blessider to giv ner it is to reseeve.
3. Why shood we giv?
Becoz it pays. So long ez the Dimokrasy hed
the power uv givin, all wuz well. The Sowth,
hevin all it wanted, wuz contentid, and evry thing
went on smooth and plesent like. Nacher intended
em to rool, and us uns to serve, and we
wuz satisfide, and so wuz they. Such offisis ez
wuz benethe em, they tost to us, and all wuz
peese. It wuz normel.
4. Wat hez bin the consekencis uv not givin?
My frens, seest thou yon post-orifise? A Abolishnist
sets there. And woe is us! the plasis we
onct did fill all ore the land, we fill no moar.
And wuss. Ther is war; the North hez rebeld
aginst the Dimokrasy, and to-day yoor sons is being
dragged to the tented feeld, to be offered up
a sakrifis to the fell sperit uv “not givin.” O,
my frens, we stumbled ourselvs. We faild to giv
wunst, and that failyour wuz fatle. Wen we in
our pride defide the Sowth at Charleston, we
sinned, and air now payin fer it. O, hed we all
yoonited in givin, then—hed we follered presedent
and got down into the dust—then all wood
hev bin well.
We dedooce from the foregoin the follerin grate
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[figure description] Page 115.[end figure description]
trooth, to-wit, viz: Suffrin alluz follers sin. Nether
duz the sinner git the price uv his sin. The
demon uv Abolishnism, er Not Givin, wich is
sinonymus, held afore the eyes of Duglis the dazzlin
prospek uv Northrin votes. But lo! wen
Duglis hed took the fatel step, the votes wuz
Linkin's, and the post-orfises wuz Linkin's, and
the Dimokrasy supped on sorrer and brekfasted
on woe.
Ther is, my brethren, a hevy cuss on Not Givin.
“Wo unto yoo fer a stiff-necked and rebelyus people.”
(Abiram 31, 5, xlp.) In the originel Rooshen
it is “stiff-backt” instid uv “stiff-neckt,” wich
makes it mene Massychusetts. They wood never
bend a inch; they hed no limbernis, and with head
up, instid uv down—with backs strate, instid uv
curvd—they insisted on bein men ez well ez Virginny,
thus forcin the Sowth to take up arms to
bend em into ther nateral posishen.
My frens, this war is a effort on the part uv
the Sowth to put down these rebels aginst the
grate prinsiple uv Givin. That 's all they want,
and wen they git it they 'll stop, I make no doubt.
Then, brethrin, let us pray fer their sukcess—let
us imytait our martered saint, Vallandigum, who
is a exel far away, and, 2 the xtent uv our ability,
further the grate coz. Let Noo Ingland be got
-- 116 -- p631-115
[figure description] Page 116.[end figure description]
under; Sumner, and Waid, and Giddins, and Gim
Ashly, and Oin Luvgoy hung; the grate Davis
President, with Fernandywood and Vallandigum
in his Cabynit; then will ther be for us peece, and
harmony, and good-will, and post-orfises. Let wat
I hev sed sink deep in2 yoor harts. Wen the
contribooshen box cums around, remember that
“it is moar blesseder 2 give than 2 reseeve.” So
mote it be.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XXX. VISITS CAMP DENNISON TO ELECTIONEER FOR VALLANDIGHAM.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, October the 1st, 1863.
Feelin it a sakred dooty I owed the coz uv
Dimokrasy and free speech, (on awl subgeks not
interferin with Dimokrasy ez it hez bin, ez it is,
or ez it may be,) I visited Camp Dennyson, wich
is naimd after a Abolishnist, to use my stentorin
voice fer Vallandigum, among the payrold prizners.
It wuz a bammy mornin in September
wen I arriv, and procoorin admishen, I set to
work to wunst. Noticin a cupple uv duzen uv
-- 117 --
[figure description] Page 117.[end figure description]
em a playin poker—1 cent anty—I judged by a
instink I hev that ther wuz a good field fer sowin
Dimekratik seed. Advansin, I sed:
“My frends!”
“Wat,” said wun uv em, takin advantij uv the
interrupshen to slip a ace er 2 up his koat-sleeve.
“My frends,” sed I, “I cum 2 yoo ez a possel
uv peece, and a umble advokait uv Dimokrasy,
and that persookootid angil, Vallandigum”—
“Five aces, Jimuel,” sed the person who fust
sed “Wat” to me. “I take the pile, coz yu cant
beet five aces;” and sweepin the munny, he remarkt
2 me, “Now, parson, wat did yoo say?”
“I cum,” sez I, “in behaff uv the outrajd Vallandigum,
who is a exile far away.”
I found that the sile uv Camp Dennyson wuz
altogether 2 stony to maik preeching for Vallandigum
and free speech very pleasent, for no sooner
hed the wurds left my lips than a showr uv stuns
assailed me; wun, that felt ez tho it wayd a tun,
prostrated me. A seriz uv outrajis wuz then perpetrated,
wich beggars deskripshun. I wuz peltid
with offensive eggs, and rotten cabbig, and decayd
pertaters; in fact, at wun time the air wuz so full
uv eggs, that I might hev thot, hed I bin poetikle,
that the blessid sun wuz a mammuth hen, badly
diseazd, and a layin rotten eggs, a milyun a minnit.
-- 118 --
[figure description] Page 118.[end figure description]
Finally, wun uv em sez: “Boys, we aint the prizners
this feller 's after. Johnson's Island 's wher
he wants to go to find his frends.”
“Yes,” sed another, “and to git there yoo go
by water!”
Whereupon, these fiends seezed me and draggd
me thro a hoss-troff 15 er a hundred times. Then
they pourd cole-ile over me, and wuz a goin to set
it afire to dry me, ez they sed, but I broak and
fled, pursood by 1000 uv these infooriatid demuns.
I finally escaipd, by passin myself orf ez Horris
Greely on to a party uv em who stopt me.
I am at present confind to my bed, sustanin
myself by takin dosis uv terbacker joose from J.
Davis' spittoon, dilooted with whisky. It inwiggoratis
me.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 119 -- p631-118
XXXI. IN THE “APOSSEL BIZNIS. ”
October the 6th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 119.[end figure description]
The sole uv Nasby's foot knoze no rest. Eternal
viggilence is the prise uv liberty, and a old
Dimekrat who hez never skratched a tikkit, and
who never spiles his likker by dilooshn, kin work
in these perilus times. I am engaged in organizin
sosieties on the basis uv the Union ez it wuz,
the Constitooshn ez it is, and the nigger wher he
ought to be. This imployment soots me. The
apossel biznis I like. Brot into continooal contack
with the best uv Dimekrats, I hev the run
uv a thowsan jugs—pay regler and libral—fasilitiz
fer borrerin unekalled—I am kontent. I send a
few extrax frum my journal.
Mundy, 2d.—Kum into Whartensberg afoot.
Wuz reseevd with enthooziasm, invited to drink
20 times in ez menny minits, wich invitashens I
acceptid, solely fer the good uv the coz. Hevin
cast-iron bowils, I survived the trial. I found
here a order called the “Limit,” wich is a good
thing. Hed a meetin, and added the oaths to resist
drafts and shelterin deserters; and after
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[figure description] Page 120.[end figure description]
exhortin uv them to stand by Dimokrasy, borrered
thirty dolers and a clean shirt, and departid.
[Poskrip.—The clean shirt I borrered frum a line
about 9 P. M.]
Toosdy, 3d.—Houktown wuz the next pint.
Dimokrasy all rite to opperate on. Never wuz
in a place in wich nigger wuz so hated and feerd.
They hev a holesum prejoodis agin every thing
black. Wun old patriark shot all his black sheep,
paintid a black hoss red, and his dawter, a gushin
maiden uv thirty-too, askt the objik uv her affeckshins
too dy his raven locks white. A roomer
that a provo marshel wuz in the visinity did the
job for him in a single nite. Found em well organizd.
Addrest em at length, showin conclusivly
that hed Linkin resined in faver uv the
hi-minded Davis, we shood never hed this war;
that sech a compermise, and the follerin concessions,
wood hev averted blud-shed, to-wit:
The rite uv suffrage to be held only by slaveowners,
and sech ez they may designate.
The repele uv awl tariffs ceptin the wun on
sugar.
The fillin up uv Boston harber.
The suppreshun uv the Triboon.
The hangin uv Giddins, Waid, Stevens, Sumner,
and Oin Luvgoy.
-- 121 --
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I dwelt at length on the horrers uv amalgamashen,
and closed with an elokent appele to
stand by Vallandigum and pure Dimokrasy. Borrered
three dolers on a prommis to remit, wich I
shel do sum time after next Presidenshel eleckshin.
I made the wictim ezy by given him my
note. Wen men can be made comfortable by
simply a note, I alluz do it, if they furnish paper.
Benevolens is a prominent trate in my karicter.
Wensdy, 4th.—Van Buren wuz my next pint.
The Dimokrasy here hev their lamps trimd and
burnin. They indoost more soljers to desert than
any township in the county, ceptin Amandy and
Union. I organized a branch sosiety to wunst. A
blessid feelin pervades here. They jest more
than hate niggers, and morn twenty babies hev
bin named Vallandigum within six munths. One
enthoosiastic old butternut named a femail infant
Vallandighamia, and another named his boy Vallandigum
Woods Bright. The boy hez a strong
constitooshn and may live. Things is workin in
Allen. I borrered only 8 dollers uv the fatheful,
which I shel pay wen 1 uv my rich uncles pegs out.
I shel percede to Unyum and Orange townships
immejitly.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 122 -- p631-121
XXXII. WAILETH.
Church uv St. Vallandigum, October the 14th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 122.[end figure description]
I 'm sad—and wexed. My hed is a fountin uv
teers, and mine eyes distil dilootid corn-joose.
My hart is lead, and my sole is pot-bellied with
greef. My lims ake with woe, my manly form is
bowd, and my venrable lox is turnd white. O,
Vallandigum, thow hast gone to the grave, and
in the same toom is berrid all my hopes. Adoo,
vane world, adoo! I'll be a nunnery.
The fait uv the peeple uv Ohio is seeld. Vallandigum,
“Our chosin standerd-barer,”
is not only a exile far away, but ther is a cheerful
prospek, wich is daily improvin, uv his continnerin
in the exile biznis fer an indeffynit
period uv time. A tyrannikle Presydent hez
taken our old habis corpusses from us, and persistently
refuses to furnish us new wuns; and the
peeple hevin acqwiest by their votes, we lay
bound hand and foot. Men fleein from conskripshen
and sich, kin be seezed and dragd in2
-- 123 --
[figure description] Page 123.[end figure description]
slavery; cavelry drest in odjus bloo hez license
to hunt the pantin fugitive, who, after drawin his
bounty and pay, changis his mind, and desires to
return to the buzem uv his family, and the shootin
uv enrollin orfisers and tax assessors will now be
considered a crime. Alas!
The news affectid me variously. I hed our
township all fixt, hevin distribbitid tikkits, and
knowin nun uv em cood skratch em, ez they
do n't rite enny. I reseevd the returns with a
gratifide smile. “Bless yoo, my children; you hev
dun nobly,” sez I. Presently a currier arrivd,
bringin the disturbin intellygens that the northern
countis give Bruff 30 thowsen, and 2 minnits
thereafter another arrivd statin that the suthrin
countis had got loonatik and given Bruff 35 thowsen.
With a hart-rendin and sole-tarin shreek,
I fell a inannymait corps on the flore. * * *
I awoke. A oder uv suthin natrel filled the room,
givin me life agin. It wuz whisky. The worthy
woman to whose house I board, hed bin rubbin
the soles uv my feet with a jug, and givin me
small dosis uv the restorer thro a funnel. Her
exershens restord me to life agen. I presume the
fact uv my owin six months board did not nerve
her frajile arm. It wuz revrens.
Despondent and weery uv life, I attempted
-- 124 --
[figure description] Page 124.[end figure description]
sooiside. I mixt my licker fer a day; I red a
entire number uv the Crisis; I peroozed “Cotton
is King,” “Pulpit Pollytiks,” and “Vallandigum's
Record,” but all in vane. Ez a last desprit resource,
I attemptid to pizon myself by drinkin
water, but that faled me. My stumick rejected
it—I puked.
I am 2 much prosteratid to offer either advice
or consolashen to my Dimekratik frends. We
air in a stait uv abgect cussitude. To see Waid,
and Chaise, and Oin Luvgoy, and that 3-ply
Abolishnist, Horris Greely, feelin good, is prusic
asid and strick9 to us. I shell seek releef from
my sorrers in the floin bole.
Petroleum V. Nasby.
P. S.—The printer will put mournin lines abuv
and below this letter.
-- 125 -- p631-124
XXXIII. “CHANGES HIS BASE. ”
Church uv St. Vallandigum, October the 28th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 125.[end figure description]
Paul, the apossel, on his way frum Geroosalem
2 Damaskus, to persekoot the Crischens, seed a
dazzlin lite wich struck him blind. The old
Dimokrasy, on the 13th uv October, on its way to
Glory, to persekoot the nigger, seed a lite wich
nocked it crazy. Wen yu 've suckt a orange dry,
natrelly yoo fling away the peel; and if the froot
provd sour and bitter instid uv sweet, yoo fling
it a good deel further, bein disgustid. Vallandigum's
marterdom wuz our orange—we suckt
it wiggerously; but, alas! quinine is sweetnis
compared to it; to-wit: I fling away the wuthless
peel.
Myself and flock is now all war Dimekrats.
We hev alluz bin. We never agreed with the
extreemists uv our party, and we remaned in the
organnyzation only becoz, ez members thereof, we
cood restrane it frum doing mischif. We wer
zealus in the support uv Vallandigum, and workt
hard to elect him, only that, being his supporters,
and havin electid him, we cood curb him.
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[figure description] Page 126.[end figure description]
Therefore, all our apparent opposishen to the
war wuz reely its most effishent support. I hope
the peeple will see it.
At a biznis meetin uv our Church yisterdy
afternoon, the follerin resolooshens wuz past:
Wareas, Dimokrasy flurishes best wen it is
successful; and wareas, it is a tender flower that
do n't bare the chillin frosts uv adversity much;
and wareas, the peeple hev shode by the pekoolyer
stile uv ther votin that they do n't like Vallandigum
ner his principples; and wareas, the peeple
is uv moar use to us than Vallandigum; therefore
be it
Resolvd, That Vallandigum never wuz a representativ
uv the Dimekratik idee.
Resolvd, That we do not indorse his views, or
approve his acts, and never did.
Resolvd, That honist old A. Linkin, by arrestin
uv him, and thereby forsin uv us into committin
polittikle sooiside by nominatin uv him, wuz guilty
uv a heenus sin.
Resolvd, That we aint ez much consernd about
our habis corpusses ez we wuz afore the elecshen.
Resolvd, That the war for the Union must go
on until its enemies is subjoogated, and the banner
uv buty and glory waves over every stait; and
the Dimekratik committis uv the varius staits be
-- 127 --
[figure description] Page 127.[end figure description]
requestid to procoor a sufficient number uv banners,
and appint sub-committis to wave em.
Resolvd, That we air in favor uv subjoogashen,
emansipashen, confiscashen, taxashen, conscripshen,
exterminashen, nigger enlistments; and ef
ther is any thing else the peeple desire, let em
write us, (post pade,) and weel pass the nessary
resolooshens.
These preamble and resolooshens (which, at my
reqwest, wuz past unanimusly) strikes me ez kivering
the hull ground.
Waitin and watchin,
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 128 -- p631-127
XXXIV. HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT.
Church uv St. —, November the 1st, 1863.
[figure description] Page 128.[end figure description]
I felt it my dooty to visit Washinton. The
miserable condishon the Dimokrasy find themselves
into, sinse the elecshen, makes it nessary
that suthin be did, and therefore I determined to
see wat cood be effectid by a persnel intervew
with the President.
Interdoosin myself, I opened upon him delikitly,
thus:
“Linkin,” sez I, “ez a Dimekrat, a free-born
Dimekrat, who is prepared to die with neetnis
and dispatch, and on short notis, fer the inalienable
rite uv free speech—knoin also that you er
a goriller, a feendish ape, a thirster after blud, I
speek.”
“Speek on,” says he.
“I am a Ohio Dimekrat,” sez I, “who hez repoodiatid
Vallandigum.”
“Before or since the elecshin, did yoo repoodiate
him?” sez he.
“Sinse,” retortid I.
“I thot so,” sed he. “I would hev dun it, too,
-- 129 --
[figure description] Page 129.[end figure description]
hed I bin you,” continnered he with a goriller-like
grin.
“We air now in favor uv a wiggerus prosecushen
uv the war, and we want you to so alter
yoor polisy that we kin act with you corjelly,”
sez I.
“Say on,” sez he.
“I will. We do n't want yoo to change yoor
polisy materially. We air modrit. Anxshus to
support you, we ask yoo to adopt the follerin
trifling changis:
“Restoar to us our habis corpusses, as good ez
new.
“Arrest no moar men, wimmin, and children
for opinyun's saik.
“Repele the ojus confisticashen bill, wich irrytaits
the Suthern mind and fires the Suthern
hart.
“Do away with drafts and conskripshens.
“Revoak the Emansipashen proclamashen, and
give bonds that you 'll never ishoo another.
“Do away with treasury noats and sich, and pay
nuthin but gold.
“Protect our dawters frum nigger eqwality.
“Disarm yoor nigger soljers, and send back the
niggers to their owners, to conciliate them.
“Offer to assoom the war indetednis uv the
-- 130 --
[figure description] Page 130.[end figure description]
South, and plej the guverment to remoonerate our
Suthrin brethren for the losses they hev sustaned
in this onnatrel war.
“Call a convenshen uv Suthern men and sech
gileless Northern men ez F. Peerce, J. Bookannun,
Fernandywood, and myself, to agree upon
the terms uv reunion.”
“Is that all,” sez the goriller.
“No,” says I, promptly. “Ez a garantee uv
good faith to us, we shel insist that the best haff
uv the orifises be given to Dimekrats who repoodiate
Vallandigum. Do this, Linkin, and yoo
throw lard-ile on the trubbled waters. Do this,
and yoo rally to yoor support thowsends uv noble
Dimekrats, who went out uv offis with Bookannon,
and hev bin gittin ther whisky on tick ever
sinse. We hev maid sakrifises. We hev repoodiatid
Vallandigum—we care not ef he rots in
Canady; we are willin to jine the war party, reservin
to ourselvs the poor privilidg uv dictatin
how and on wat prinsipples it shel be carried on.
Linkin! Goriller! Ape! I hev dun.”
The President replide that he would give the
matter serious considerashen. He wood menshen
the idee uv resinin to Seward, Chais, and Blair,
and wood addres a serculer to the postmasters, et
settry, and see how menny uv em wood be willin
-- 131 --
[figure description] Page 131.[end figure description]
to resine to accommodait Dimekrats. He hed no
dout sevral wood do it to wunst.
“Is ther any littel thing I kin do fer you?”
“Nothin pertikler. I wood accept a small post-orifis,
if sitooatid within ezy range uv a distilry.
My politikle daze is well-nigh over. Let me but
see the old party wunst moar in the assendency;
let these old eyes once moar behold the Constooshn
ez it is, the Union ez it wuz, and the nigger ware
he ought 2 be, and I will rap the mantel uv privit
life arownd me, and go in2 delirum tremens
happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the seer
and yellow leef. These whitnin lox, them sunken
cheek, warn me that age and whisky hev dun
ther perfeck work, and that I shel soon go hents.
Linkin, scorn not my wurds. I hev sed. Adoo.”
So sayin, I wavd my hand impressively, and
walkd away.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 132 -- p631-131
XXXV. PREACHES.
Church of St. —, June the 9th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 132.[end figure description]
I preeched yisterday frum the follerin text:
“What shel we do to be saved?”
This, my brethrin, is a important inquiry.
Speakin ez a Dimekrat, who for thirty yeres hez
never scratched a tikkit—vewin things frum a
Dimekratik stand-pint—I hev no hesitashen in
sayin that we need savin in a eminent degree.
The dark waives of fanattycism, wich wuz mear
rippels in 1856, were mountin-high in '60, and
now they roll uncheckd frum Calyforny 2 Mane.
One island is yet unsquelched. Noo Jersey yet
is troo to Dimokrasy—a oasis amid the sterile
desert, a green spot by the wayside, a beekon-lite
to the shipwreckd maryner, a whisky-jug in Mane.
Thank hevin for Noo Jersey—halleloogy! I am
prowd 2 say that I, yoor paster, wuz born in Noo
Jersey; that my father sawd wood for the President
uv the Camden and Amboy, and my mother
wuz his washerwoman. Umble wuz our lot; but
wat sez the good book? “It is better to be a
dore-keeper at the house uv Dimokrasy than a
-- 133 --
[figure description] Page 133.[end figure description]
postmaster in the tents uv Ablishnism.” But 2
resoom:
Wat shel we do to be saved? This inquiry is
uv pekoolyer intrest jest now. Let me ask, why
do we need savin? Dimokrasy is the pure, refind
salt uv the guverment—to speek uv salt savin is
a absurdity. Ah! my frends, wile Dimokrasy
savd the guverment, the guverment savd Dimokrasy.
It wuz a strikin illustrashen uv the eternel
fitness uv things. So long ez my venrable frend
hed a post-orifis, he wood be wuss nor a loonatik
ef he did not sustane the guverment that give
him the post-orifis. Every thing went on, so long
ez we hed the post-orifises. Wat we want just
now is votes; and how to get em is the question.
Whisky used to do it; but, alas! the amount uv
whisky nessary to convert a Ablishnist to Dimokrasy
wood kill him afore he cood vote—they not
being seasond vessels.
We lost control, my brethren, by bein stubborn.
O! let us dodge that fatal errer. The last
elecshen shode that we cood not lede the people—
let the peeple lede us. Ef the peeple want war,
let us be war men; ef they want peece, let us sing
hosanners to peece! Ef they want war in Ohio, let
Ohio Dimekrats be war men, and ef Noo York
wants peece, let em be peece men. Our platform
-- 134 --
[figure description] Page 134.[end figure description]
is broad enuff to accommodait all; and on the
mane question, which is post-orifis, we kin all
agree—halleloogy!
Hevin settled the matter uv faith, we will considder
that uv work, for faith without works is uv
no more use than a whisky-punch without the
whisky. Ther must be no draft—the men must
be razed by volunteerin. Exstrordinary indoosements
must be held out for Abolishnists to enlist;
for evry wun who goes, stands a lively chance uv
trubblin us no more. We must hev our voters
back frum Canady. My frends, ther were enuff
good Dimekrats in Canady to hev saved Ohio and
Noo York. They must be hum, to wunst. We
need em.
We hev not suffishently improvd the nigger—
we neglectid him. Ther is 2 sides to the war
question; but on nigger we air invulnerable.
Why? yoo ask. Becoz he has no frends. The
Abolishnists air afeerd to defend him, and by
talking uv him to them, we hev wun menny a
fite. O, bless the Lord for the nigger! He is our
tower uv strength.
My brethrin, we hev a big job afore us. Let
us dally no longer. Think uv the consekences uv
another defeet. Sech uv our Dimekratik leeders
ez did not git commishns in the army air in a
-- 135 --
[figure description] Page 135.[end figure description]
bad shaip. They can't git whisky on tick, forever.
Sum uv em hev got so low ez to be obliged
to drink dilootid camfene, wich hez a bad effek
upon the stumick. I tride it wunst. They must
be releevd. They must hev their posishens and
ther regler salaries, for without em ther stumicks
is gone. Brethrin, to the breech, to wunst.
My Church depuytized me to assertane the
wherabouts uv sum Dimekrat who hez n't exprest
a opinyun sinse the war commenst, and tender
him the nominashen for the Presidensy.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 136 -- p631-135
XXXVI. PROPOSES TO RESTORE THE UNION.
Church uv St. —, November the 20th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 136.[end figure description]
Ther is but jest wun way by wich this wunst
happy, but now distractid, govement kin be reyoonitid,
and that way I hev diskoverd, and shel
apply for a pattent thereon. It is, breefly, this:
The holdin uv a jint nashnel convenshun, in
wich each Dimekratik delegait shel hev 12 voats,
to a Ablishnist's one, for the purpus uv preservin
a ekillibrum, wich is nessary.
The restorashen uv the Unyun ez 't was, to
akomplish wich feet, the convenshen shel nomminait
them pure patriots and hi-minded staitsmen,
Jeems Bookannon and Jon C. Brekinrij, for President
and Vice, who shel be electid by the Northrin
staits, ez a slite token uv remorse for wat
they hev dun.
The eleckshen to be held next spring, and the
inoggerashen, and consekent distribbushen uv orfisis
to foller immejitly, that the fatheful may be
consiliatid, and the whisky intrest releeved, ez
soon ez possible.
Bookannon shel git together sich uv his old
-- 137 --
[figure description] Page 137.[end figure description]
Cabbynit ez hevent died er turnd Ablishnist, (ther
plasis to be filld with sich men ez Fernandywood
and Vallandigum.) The present war wood, uv
coarse, stop, becoz our inflaimd Suthrin brethrin
wood hev nothin watever to fite for, hevin considdably
more than they ever askt for, wich is hily
Dimekratik.
Then the armies wood be jined under the command
uv that emmynent cheeftain, General Lee,
with that uther overpowrin stratejist, McClellen,
(hoo resembles him in every thing ceptin his ability,)
ez his sekond, the Confedrit offisers bein all
promoted to briggadeers. That the amount uv
steelin nessary to soothe the Suthrin mind may be
hed, I sejest a war with the French, lookin to the
conquest uv Mexiko. This wood be a killin uv 2
birds with wun stun, to-wit:
1. Affordin the Suthrin brethrin a opportoonity
uv makin good ther lossis in this war, by takin
fat contrax in the next; and,
2. We wood hev Mexiko to divide up into
slaive staits, killin Noo Ingland completely.
Wich wood soothe the Suthrin mind, and
squench the Suthrin hart.
Congris shood immejitly pass a act makin it
treezn, punishable with deth, to refooze Confedrit
skrip ez payment for prodoose uv awl kinds, and
-- 138 --
[figure description] Page 138.[end figure description]
also to pay off the Confedrit war debt befoar eny
thing else is did.
I maik no doubt that a large number uv fanattix
in the north will obgekt to this consillatory
polisy, but I care not. Our gelloreous Constooshn
wuz a compermise, and ef it is preserved to us, it
will be by compermise. No troo Dimekrat, who
hez the good uv his party at hart, will say nay to
enny uv these proposishens.
Ablishnists and week-need Dimekrats may
obgect on the ground uv the perpetuation uv the
slaivry feecher uv the skeem. To me this hes
nary terer; on the contrary, I like it much.
Slaivry is a huje Juggernaut. Jest so long ez
we Northren Dimekrats lade flat in the mud afore
its wheels, we wuz not injoord, but merely shovd
further in2 the mire, puttin us, however, in the
eggsact posishun to ketch the ile that dript frum
the axels. But wen we tride to stand afore it, we
wuz smashed. Duglis wuz a eminent wictim. O,
let us not only restore the Yoonyun ez it wuz and
the Constooshn ez it is, but let us resoom our old
posishn ez soon ez possible.
Waitin and watchin,
Petroleum V. Nasby.
-- 139 -- p631-138
XXXVII. SUBMITS A PLAN FOR THE SALVATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
Church uv St. —, December the 2d, 1863.
[figure description] Page 139.[end figure description]
I am not apt to change. Ez the Samist sez,
“Wunst I wuz yung, but now I am old;” but
yung er old, it has alluz bin the saim with me.
Whisky strate hez bin my bevridge, and Dimokrasy
my tikkit, wun and inseprable, and I hev
stuck to em with a fidelity ekaled by few and
serpast by nun. But the time hez cum fer a
raddykel change, in order to saiv the good old
party I hev ornamented so long. My reezens
are these:
The rebelyun is played out. Our Suthern brethrin
is gone in. To use figgerativ langidge, wich
will be understood in the circles in wich I am
akustomed 2 move, Linkin has made 4 alreddy,
and holds high, low, and jack. So long as ther
wuz any chanse for the 15 Dimekratik staits to
succeed, it was natrel for us to help em, for then
we cood ezy jine with em agin; but ez they are
past prayin for, wat is wisdom for us? Clerely
to help wipe em out. Why? In my skriptooral
-- 140 --
[figure description] Page 140.[end figure description]
reedin I wunst found a histry uv a steward who
wuz about losin his plais. Like Hamlick, he
soliloquizd, “Wat kin I do? I can't work, I
do n't fancy beggin, and hev n't got the greenbax
to start a grosery.” (Groseries wuz cash in
Judee.) A lucky thot emergd frum his Websterian
intellek. “I hev it,” sez he to hisself. “I
am yet steward. I will giv receets in full to
them ez owes my boss, and wen my day uv trubble
cums, I 'll board with em.”
The pint is plane. Wile in the serviss uv our
Suthrin masters we wuz rayther hard on our Afrikin
brethrin. We did beat em, and choak em,
and did despitefully use em. We can't count on
the Sutherners no more—let us elevait the nigger
to the plais his master okepide in the party.
Like the steward aforesed, let us do good to them
we was wunst tuff on, that we may hev frends
wen we need em. Let that hory old dotard,
Tawny, be assassynated, and sum wun appinted
in his plais, that will reverse his decision that
they hedent eny rites that wite men was bound
to respeck; let Samcox and Fernandywood interdoose
bills abollyshin slaivry in the staits, and
givin evry Afrikin brother a quarter secshun uv
land, a 2-hoss teem, a red bunnit with artefishel
flowers on to it—maik em sittyzens, and then—
-- 141 --
[figure description] Page 141.[end figure description]
We 'd get evry wun uv em. This wood give
us the fifteen Suthrin staits as in the happy daze
uv yoar, and the 500,000 uv our cullerd brethrin,
now in Canady, cood be brot back to the land uv
their nativity, and distribbited thro Ohio and Noo
York, so ez to redeem them staits frum the rule
uv misgided Abolish—I meantersay, Republikins.
This plan is feezible, and pekoolierly adapted to
the Dimekratik mind, wich is flexyble—very. Let
it be adoptid, and wunst more will the good ole
party repose under the shadder uv the Trezury
bildins; wunst agin will the chozn few dror regler
salaries; and the nashen flurish under the blessins
we lost wen Bookannon, the gileless, retird to
privit life.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 142 -- p631-141
XXXVIII. TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, }
(Lait St. Vallandigum,) December the 11th, 1863.
[figure description] Page 142.[end figure description]
Yisterdy I heerd a Ablishnist remark: “The
world moves.” The observashen (wich I hev
heerd frequently uv lait) set me into a trane
uv refleckshen. My comprehensive mind sprang
back into the misty days uv the past, and I wuz a
boy agin. Twenty-six years ago I wuz a splittin
my symetrikle throte a hollerin for Van Booren.
Them wuz the pammy days uv Dimokrasy. Androo
Jaxn hed left us his naim ez capital for us
to do biznis on, wile he wuz out uv the way, and
coodent interfere with our steelin, wich wuz comfortable.
We wuz beeten, but wuz still strong and
viggerous, knowin that we cood manaje to live
doorin Harryson's reign on wat we hed stole
doorin Van Booren's, the fasilites havin been unlimitid.
O, them times! Ther wuz Cass, and
Davis, and Dickinson, and Calhoon, and Tooms,
and Bill Allen, and Duglis, (who wuz jest comin
in,) and Ritchy, and Benton, and Isaer Rynders,
and Wise, and Yankee Sullivan—a gelloreous
-- 143 --
[figure description] Page 143.[end figure description]
galaxy uv intellectooal and muskeler Dimokrasy,
sech ez the world never seed afore, and never
will agin. Wuz Abolishnism tolratid in them
happy daze? Not enny. O, with what arder
Luvjoy wuz shot at Alton! How wiggerusly the
Dimokrasy laberd to throw his press in2 the turbid
waters uv the Missisipi! Wood, O wood that
we cood hev sunk his doctrins with his press!
Did we allow Abolishn talk? Nary. These stalwart
arm hev hurled baskitfuls uv unsavry eggs
at the pedlers uv polittikle heresy, and my skill
in eggin Abolishn lecterers wunst made me justis
uv the peese in my native township.
In the South, every hill-side wuz dottid with the
carcasses uv Noo Ingland skoolmarms, who, hevin
bin suspected uv teechin niggers to rede, wuz
justly hung; and the pleasent crack uv the whip
wuz heerd all over the land. O, them Arcadian
days, wen it only took 20 minits to arrest, try,
sentence, hang, and divide the close uv a Yankee
skool-teecher!
But, alas! heresies crep in2 our ranks, and ther
wuz confooshun. Van Booren bolted and bete
Cass; and, notwithstandin he repentid afterward,
the Abolishon pizon he interdoost in2 the Dimekratik
body pollytik, remaned. It broke out in
ugly sores in Ohio, in 1848, in the shaip uv the
-- 144 --
[figure description] Page 144.[end figure description]
feendish Free-sile party. Then Chaise and Brinkerhoof
sluffed orf, and jind with our ainshent enemies.
Jest afterward the Anti-Nebrasky excitement,
cuppled with No-nothinism, whaled us, and
it wuz only by sooperhooman eggsershens that
we electid Bookannon. Since, it hez bin nothin
but disaster. Bookannon and Duglis got by the
ears; Duglis refoosed to cave to his Suthrin brethrin;
Linkin wuz electid; war ensood; and now
wat do these old eyes behold? Cass, and Ben Butler,
and Logan, and Dix, and Dickison, and Dave
Tod, strikin hands with Josh Giddins and Horris
Greely! It is a singeler fact that every leader
we used to trust is now agin us. And wuss. Abolishn
papers is bein publisht in South Karliny,
in Tennisee, Kentucky, and Loozeaner, and a
millyun uv men, led by the ghosts and ghostesses
uv them hung skoolmasters and skoolmarms
aforesaid, assisted by John Brown's soul, wich is
littrally a marchin on, is enforcin a proclamashen
freein all the niggers at wun stroak, and the Dimokrasy,
bein sum hundreds uv thowsends in the
minority, is powerless to prevent it.
Trooly, the world moves. It hez moved the
Dimokrasy from the pedestal uv power it wunst
okepide, and laid it prostrait. It hez elevatid
men we despised, and adoptid idees we scoft at.
-- 145 -- p631-144
[figure description] Page 145.[end figure description]
Yunger men may shift and git in2 the tide agin,
but ez for me, I can't. I shel maik wun moar
effort, and if we fail—why, then, I shel withdraw
frum public life, and start a grocery, and in that
umble callin will flote peecefully down the streem
uv time, until my wether-beten bark strikes on
the rox of deth, gittin my likker in the menetime
(uv wich I consume menny) at wholesail prices.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XXXIX. COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, }
(Late St. Vallandigum,) December the 19th, 1863.
I hev bin for menny years disposed to bleeve
in speritooalism. Ther is suthin pleasent in the
idee uv bein in communicashen with them ez hev
gone before, as it may be reznable supozed that
frum their stan-pint they kin see things in a more
clearer lite than we who is encumbered with clay.
Akordingly, I invited a distingisht mejum to visit
my flock. * * *
A circle wuz formd, and I wuz requestid to call
-- 146 --
[figure description] Page 146.[end figure description]
for the sperit uv sum wun. Hevin a few Abolishnists
present, whom I wisht to enliten on politikle
topix, I cald for Tomus Jefferson.
“Tomus,” sez I, “wuz yoo the father uv Dimokrasy?”
(I use my own langige, ez them old fellers wuz
not alluz elegant.)
“I wuz.”
“Tomus, are the party now barin the name
yoor child?”
“Not any. It 's a mizable bastard, born uv
John C. Calhoon, and that old hag, Stait-Rites,
and a low-lived whelp it is. My heirs is them ez
supports the guverment I help to maik.”
“But, Tomus, wood yoo hev us support a Abolishn
war for the purpus uv freein niggers?”
The sperit rapt out with awful distinknis:
“We hold these trooths to be self-evident, that
awl men is creatid ekal, and endoud with certing
inaleyenable rites, among wich is life, liberty”—
At this pint I stopt the mejum. I knew the
sperit wuz not Tomus Jefferson, but a imposter,
hevin heerd a Abolishn preecher use the same
langige at a 4th uv Guly celebrashen. I then
cald Androo Jaxn, hoo respondid:
“Androo,” sez I, “woodent yoo like to be back
on yearth, jist now?”
-- 147 --
[figure description] Page 147.[end figure description]
“Yoo kin bet I wood,” retortid he. “I 'd like
to hev bin President in the place uv that old,
white-liverd, black-cockade Fedralist, Bookannon.
Wat a hangin ther wood hev bin! Ther wood
hev bin vacansis in Congris, and jest ez menny
funerals ez ther wuz vacansis. As for Sowth Carliny”—
The communycashen ceasd, and I heerd a sound
like the grittin uv teeth. It resoomed:
“I 'd string up Vallandigum, and Fernandywood,
and Sammedary, et settry. It wood be a
bad old joke on them indivijjles ef I hed controle
of the habis corpus; I 'd”—
I refoozed to hear further. This sperit wuz,
also, ondoutedly a impostor.
I cald for Benton, who merely sed that Miszory
wuz comin to her senses in gittin rid uv slaivry;
and for Duglis, who remarkt that he cood say uv
the temple of Dimokrasy ez the Savior sed of the
temple, “My howse is cald a howse of prayr, but
ye hev maid it a den of theeves;” both of whom
wuz onquestionably impostors. Another sperit
(probably of a deceest Ablishnist) sed that Benedict
Arnold and Judis Iscariot hadent bin on
speekin terms for sum time, Iscariot hevin called
Arnold a copperhed. Arnold sed he 'd never
stand that.
-- 148 --
[figure description] Page 148.[end figure description]
Duglis cum back, and sed he had jest wun word
2 say. “The Dimekratik party wuz wunst grate,
but it hed got in2 bad hands, and gone crazy as
a drunken bed-bug. It needid new managers—
men uv suffishent sense and honisty to run the
party on old prinsipples. In the old hands, it
wuz a pattryotic party—a party that wuz alluz
for the country. It whaled the British in 1812,
and afterwards nockt the hind sites off uv the old
Fedral party for opposin it. It smasht Mexico,
and afterwards smasht the Whig party for not
helpin. Now, for the Dimokrasy to oppose a war
agin rebels who not only commenst it, but hed
actooally bustid the party itself, is loonacy unekaled
in the histry uv the world. Squelch them
tuppenny pollytishns who hev theeved the mantels
wunst worn by Jaxon and Benton, (they look
in em jest about as well as a orgin grinder's
munky wood in a soljer's overkote, and fill em
jest as much,) got on to a war platform, and”—
I did n't care about persooin my investigashens
enny further, pertikelerly ez the Abolishnists wuz
all a snickrin. It 's my privit opinyun that ther 's
nothin relyable about it. Hed the sperits bin
reely them uv Jefferson, Jaxon, and sich, they
woodent hev talkt so much undilootid niggerism.
However, it did me very well. The mejum
-- 149 -- p631-148
[figure description] Page 149.[end figure description]
took up a colleckshun uv six dolars, wich, by a
singler coincidence, was the eggsact amount I hed
intendid to charge him for the use uv my church.
He grumbled, but finelly sheld out. I am now
warin a new pare uv pants.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XL. TRIES AN EXPERIMENT.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, }
(Lait St. Vallandigum,) December the 25th, 1863.
Mankind is the most perverse and onrezonable
beins uv the human family. Wile they assent 2
a principple, they never will put it into practis
ef it bares hard onto em ez indivijjles; to-wit:
I had bin for sevral weeks deliverin a coarse
uv lekters on the divinnity uv slaivry. I argood
that the institooshn wuz based upon the infeeriority
uv wun man 2 another; that it wuz not only
a wise but a bootiful pervision uv nacher that the
strong shood hev charge uv the week, a guidin
and protektin and a workin uv em. The idee
plezd my congregashen vastly, and fifteen or
-- 150 --
[figure description] Page 150.[end figure description]
twenty uv the strongest perposed that it shood
be put into practis, jest 2 show the world that
the grate doctrine cood be carried out jest as well
in the North as in the South; to wich I assented
to wunst, and at the next biznis meetin, the follerin
plan wuz adoptid: The members uv the congregashen
shood try ther strength, and them as
cood lift 600, shood own and possess, in fee-simple,
all them ez coodent.
The trial wuz hed, the divizshen made, and I
wuz happy at bein the umble instrooment uv
plantin the grate institooshen on Northrin sile.
But, alas! owin 2 the perversity uv the human
mind aforesaid, it dident work. Old John Podhammer
razd his 600 with the gratest eaze, wile
Bill Sniffles, who wuz a workin for him for 12
dolars a munth, coodent fetch it. Podhammer
went over to Bill's cabin the next mornin, and
sez he:
“Wilyum, frum this time, hentz4th and furever,
yoo air my man. As all a slaiv has is his
master's, the 18 dolers I owe yoo, or that I did
owe yoo afore this blessid system wuz establisht,
I shel keep, and as yoo hev more furnytoor than
befits yoor lowly condishen, I will send a team
over to-morrer, and taik yer bewrow and stand
and bedstids up to my house; and”—
-- 151 --
[figure description] Page 151.[end figure description]
At this junctur in cums Mrs. Sniffles, who kin
lift 600, with old Podhammer on the top uv it,
and it wuz no time afore she diskivered wat his
biznis wuz. She turnd red in the face. Said she:
“Yoor goin to take my furnytoor?”
“Certingly.”
“And we air yoor slaivs?”
“Uv coarse.”
“And yoo kin sell my children?”
“Naterally.”
“And yoo kin maik me yoor conkebine?”
“Ef I wish.”
“Yoo old beest!” shreekt the infooriated femail
chattel, forgettin her normal condishn. “You sell
my babies! You taik my furnytoor! Drat ye, I 'll
giv ye sum uv it now!” whereupon she hurled a
chare, wich laid him prostrait on the flore, wen
she pickt him up, and flung him out the dore.
It did not end here. Podhammer hed in his
hand a patch-work coverlid, wich he thot he
wood taik with him, and wen he cum to, he
walked off with it, whereupon Mrs. Sniffles hed
him took up on a charge uv steelin, and he wuz
actooally tride, found gilty, and sent to jail for 30
daze. How kin we establish Dimekratik institooshens
wen the courts won't recognize the laws
of nacher?
-- 152 -- p631-151
[figure description] Page 152.[end figure description]
The experiment, for the present, hez the apperentz
of a failyer.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XLI. ADDRESSES JEFFERSON DAVIS.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, }
(Lait St. Vallandigum,) January the 8th, 1864.
J. Davis:
Ez a frend, I address yoo. I am wun uv that
class uv yoor frends knone ez peece Dimekrats,
and kin safely say that we hev dun yoo and yoor
coz jest as much good ez any ekal number barin
muskits in yoor highly heroic army. We hev
bin, ever sence the Ablishnists made war on yoo,
workin industrusly for yoo, ez follows:
We hev, ez a rool, stood inflexybly opposd to
amost evry thing;
We preechd that the war wuz a Ablishn war;
We preechd agin taxashen;
We held forth agin conskripshen
We discurigd volunteerin;
We encuridgd desershens, and pertektid deserters;
-- 153 --
[figure description] Page 153.[end figure description]
We never cood see a Fedral victry;
We wuz alluz forst to aknollidge that the South
ginerally got the better uv us;
We never bleevd that yoo wuz gittin short uv
pervishens;
We hired niggers to travel North to convince
Dimekrats uv the nigger invashen 2 cum;
We forst Linkin to retane Micklellan;
We aboozd Fremont and Rosycrance;
With uther artikkles too noomerus to menshun.
But, somehow, it hezent workt. The Confederacy
hez bin losin ground with a regelarity friteful
to contemplait. In spite uv all we cood do,
volunteerin hez gone on, and ef we did kill off a
general, another wun jest ez good ariz to take his
place.
Now, Jefferson, wat kin we do? It is obvus to
the most obtoose intellek that the vandals hev
got us. Wat shel be the next dodge? Planely, to
secoor awl we kin. The Dimokrasy is ready to
reseeve yoo with open arms, but yoor repeetid
determinashen to die in the last ditch, and sich
nonsents, hez bustid us wenever we spoke uv
compermise and sich.
Jefferson! the last oppertoonity persents itself.
Ask for a onerable peece—a peece not burdened
with hoomiliatin condishens. We kin engineer it
-- 154 --
[figure description] Page 154.[end figure description]
so as to bring yoo back as good ez yoo went out,
slaivry safe, yoor war debt assomd by the government,
and yoo back in the Senit. We kin hev
old Chase, and Waid, and Sumner hung—we
kin hev yoor soljers penshund, and the foogytivslaiv
law re-enactid, and the territoris turnd over
to yoo, and the confisticashen act repeeld, and the
emansipashen proclamashen recalled, and yoor
niggers restored—the guverment paying for sech
ez may hev bin kild—and sech uther laws past ez
you wish. Ef Linkin refooses to ackseed to these
resonable terms, why, then the responsibility uv
continooin a unnachrel and unnessary war is on
his sholders, and we hev a ishoo for the next
campane—a artikkle we stand very much in
need uv.
Jefferson! do this, and do it to wunst. Delay
may be fatle. He who hezytaits is lost. The
vetrans is re-enlistin, and 300 thowsen volunteers,
each a John Brown, and led by the original John
Brown's ghost, wich is marchin on, is turnin their
faces toward Dixie, with bayonits afore em. Ef
yoo wait till June, the Confederacy will be
smasht so fine that the Dimokrasy won't be able
to git together enuff uv it to make a compermise
with.
Jefferson, ef yoo hev any regard for yerself, er
-- 155 -- p631-154
[figure description] Page 155.[end figure description]
for us, yoor frends, do it. “Virchoo is its own
reward.” Be wise in time.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XLII. ESTABLISHES AFRICAN SLAVERY.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, }
(Lait St. Vallandigum,) January the 16th, 1864.
Trouble air a cumin upon me thicker and
faster. “Men change, but principples, never,”
hez bin a motto uv mine for yeers, and bleevin
in the grate principple of the strong owning the
week—or, in uther words, slaivry—I shel never
ceese my efforts to maik it universal. Ther bein
a onreesonable prejudis in the minds uv the week
uv my congregashen aginst bein the perpetooal
servance uv them as nacher hez maid to rool, I
called a special meetin of my flock, to considder
the matter. I interdoost the matter thus:
By Hager, I provd that slaivry was scriptooral.
By “cussid be Kanan,” et settry, I shode concloosively
that the nigger wuz the identikle indivijjle
who wuz to be the sed slaiv aforesed.
Then it wuz put to vote, and it wuz
-- 156 --
[figure description] Page 156.[end figure description]
unanimusly resolvd, that Aferken slaivry be interdoost
amongst us. I notist, with pleasure, that the
poorer the indivijjle, the moar anxhus he seemed
to own a nigger.
Opinyuns were then interchanged. Absolum
Kitt, who is a carpenter, and who never saved a
dolar, hevin alluz hed a sick wife and a large
family of children, sed he felt that a grate work
hed bin dun that nite. The prowd Anglo-Saxun,
whom nacher intended to rool, hed bin that nite
elewatid 2 his normel speer. Hentz4th ther wuz
no moar laber for him. He hed a contrak to bild
a house for brother Podhammer, and he hed no
doubt that the brethrin who wuz blest with menes
wood make up a puss, and enable him 2 buy a
nigger carpenter to do his work.
Brother Podhammer aroze. He, uv coarse,
wood be glad to assist brother Kitt, but dooty 2
his family reqwired a diffrent line uv action.
His idee wuz to purchis a nigger carpenter hisself,
and—
“WHAT!” exclaimed Kitt.
Brother Podhammer resoomd. He intended to
buy a nigger carpenter hisself, and bild his house.
The cheef beauty uv the grate system, and the
wun that maiks it altogether luvly, is that yoo
kin BUY yoor labor.
-- 157 --
[figure description] Page 157.[end figure description]
“But,” sed Kitt, “what kin I do if yoo work
nigger carpenters?”
“Trooly,” sez Podhammer, “I know not. A
carpenter kin be purchist for $1000, the interest
uv wich is $60, and his keepin, say $100 more,
per annum. Now, ef Brother Kitt will cum to
them wagis, and be modritly umble, I mite, for
his saik, forego the exquisit pleasure uv hevin a
nigger to flog, and still employ him.”
“But,” sez Kitt, turnin pail, “my family wood
starve on them wagis. Wy, I mite ez well be a
nigger myself.”
At this pint I lifted up my voise. I exorted
Brother Kitt to patience. The grate Dimekratik
idee, that cappytal shood own labor, must be establisht.
It may bare hard upon indivijjles, but
wat then? John Rogers went camly to the stake
for principple. Ef Brother Kitt doth not like to
accept his normel condishen to wunst, he kin go
to sum less favored country, wher the grate instooshon
is not establisht.
Brother Podger, a blacksmith, sed he suppozd
the rich uns wood buy a nigger blacksmith, and
let him emigrait.
Brother Snipes, a plasterer, made a simler obserwashen.
Brother Punt, a bricklayer, remarkt likewise.
-- 158 --
[figure description] Page 158.[end figure description]
Whereupon they all, in corus, similarly exclaimed
they 'd see us d—d fust, and then they
woodent.
Whereupon they reconsidered the resolushen
establishin slaivry.
Kitt and his herritix wuz not at church last
Sundy, and the postmaster told me that they hed
sent orf a club for the Noo York Triboon.
Trooly, a reformer's Jordan is a hard rode to
travel I beleeve.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 159 -- p631-158
XLIII. OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF A MILITARY MAN.
Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, }
(Lait St. Vallandigum,) January the 21st, 1864.
[figure description] Page 159.[end figure description]
I notis in the Dimekratik papers a desire 2
maik General Micklellan or General Grant our
nominee for the Presidency. Sooisidel ijee! I
pertest!
Time hezn't tetched my floin lox with frost,
and furrode my massive brow for nuthin. Peepil
hev sumtimes douted my honisty, but my talence,
never. I do n't alluz pay, but I never faild in
borrerin — wich is useful. Therefoar, I throw
myself into the breech, and demand a heerin.
I am inflexibly opposed to Micklellan's nominashen.
I hev faith in the soundnis uv his Dimokrasy,
but nun watever in his ability. Look at
it. He wuz placed in a posishen to make the
Dimokrasy, but instid he (by weeknis) well-nigh
rooind it. He hed under his controle 180,000
Abolishnists. A man uv genius wood hev destroyed
em all, wareas he only sunk abowt the
haff, levin the rest to live and vote agin us. A
nominee uv the Dimokrasy must be a man able to
-- 160 --
[figure description] Page 160.[end figure description]
controle uther men. Is he sich? Not enny. Did
he not let that born devil, Hooker, and Kerny
and Mansfeeld, (who wuz killd, halleloogy!) brake
away and fite our Suthrin brethren at Anteetum
and elsewhair, killin jest ez menny Suthern Dimekrats
ez wuz killd uv the Ablishnists? Troo, he
stopt it ez soon ez he cood. Troo, him and Fitsjon
Porter lade out Pope, and kep him from
beetin our Suthern frends Troo, he did Linkin
ez much hurt, and Davis ez much good, ez wuz in
him; but the work he mite hev dun wuz only haff
dun. His ijee wuz not our ijee. His stratejy
wuz to shashay backerds and forerds, until both
sides wuz eggsaustid, and then patch up a compermise.
We wantid Linkin histid 2 wunst; and
hed ther been a proper understandin atwixt him
and Lee, Gefferson Davis mite hev bin in the
Wite House, and we, the pure Dimokrasy, mite
not only hev hed the post-orifises, but hev bin a
revelin on the confisticatid estaits uv Abolishnists,
wich wood hev bin constooshnel. I hed my
egle eye fixt on a sheep-farm uv 360 akers; but,
alas! I got it not. Then the iron enterd my
sole! Then I cust the imbesility uv the man
who swindled me out uv the farm I longed for.
I 'll nun uv him. Avant!
Ez fer Grant, my sole rekoils with horror at the
-- 161 --
[figure description] Page 161.[end figure description]
bair ijee. Wat! nominait a man whose willin
sord drips with the gory life-blud uv unwillin
Dimekratik saints! Never! Forbid it, hevin!
Marry the jentle virgin Peese to a soljer drenchd
in goar! I, Nasby, forbid the bans!
The trooth is, we air gittin wild. A man can't
look 2 ways without doin wiolence to his orgins
uv viszhen. Ef persistid in, he 'd bekum crosseyd.
We commenst with our facis southward.
Ther our hope lies. Let us keep our eyes that
way. Ef we nominait a war man, and turn a
back spring onto a war platform, wat better air
we than the Gentiles? Sech jimnastics are purty
to see, but they rench the jimnastist.
No! let us go on ez we begun. Ez peece men,
our case is not hopeless. The new and unconstooshnel
tax onto whisky keeps the orthodox
Dimokrasy strate, (tho at our expense,) and a
lucky Confedrit wictry in the spring wood turn
the week-need war men in2 peese howlers. Good
hevins! air we insane? Shel we throw away sech
wepins ez taxis, conskripshen, nigger, free speech,
et settry, and bow the knee to Linkin? Never!
Wat we want is these:
1. A peese man for a candydait.
2. Moar marters. Ef the outrajd Vallandigum,
and Jessee Brite, and George E. Pooh wood, for
-- 162 --
[figure description] Page 162.[end figure description]
the good uv the party, consent to be driven to
desprashen by the tyranny uv the Administrashen,
and commit sooiside, it wood be a trump
card for us. Wat movin appeals we cood make
over ther ded bodiz. I 'll rite to em on the
subgik.
3. The formashen uv Ade Sosietis to defray the
expensis uv the campane, wich will be enormus,
owin to the tax on whisky.
4. Confedrit victrys, and lots uv em, wich not
only kills off Ablishn voters, but dishartens the
war men North.
5. The libral preechin uv a pure gospil, untaintid
with Ablishnism.
With these we kin win ez ezy ez I usd 2 turn
jack frum the bottom, wen I wuz in a stait uv
unrejenerashen.
A peese Dimekrat for President! O, happy
thot! The forrin mishns! The custom howsis!
The post-orfises! In short, the trezry! Let us
be wise, and these is ourn.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 163 -- p631-162
XLIV. PREACHES—SUBJECT: “THE PRODIGAL SON. ”
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
January the 31st, 1864.
[figure description] Page 163.[end figure description]
My Brethren and Sisteren: I shall make
sum remarks this mornin based upon the bootiful
Parable of the Proddygal Son. I wood reed 2 yoo
the passij, but the Bible I hev is the only wun in
the township, and I lent it yisterday 2 Square
Gavitt, who sed swarin witnesses on almanacs
woodent do in hoss cases, and he hasent brung it
back. The skripter sez, in substance:
Ther was a certin man who hed 2 sons. The
yungist hed a taist for that branch uv agricultooral
persoots known ez sowin wild oats; so he askt
the old man for his sheer uv the estait. He got
it, turnd it into greenbax, and went off. He
commenst livin high—bording at big hotels, and
keepin trottin hosses, and playin bilyards, and
sich. In about a year he run thro his pile, and
wuz ded broak. Then his credit playd out, and he
wuz in a tight place for his daily bred. The idee
struck him that he hed better put for hum, wich
he did. The old man saw him a cumin, and he
-- 164 --
[figure description] Page 164.[end figure description]
run out and met him, and giv him a new cote,
and a order for a pare uv shoes, and kild a fat
caff, and hed flour doins. The oldest boy obgected
2 these, sayin, “Lo, I hev servd thee these
menny yeres, and thou never madest no splurge
over me, but when this thy son, who hez fooled
away his pile, returns, you kill calves and sich.”
Then the old man retorts, sayin, “My son who
wuz lost is found; the sheep who went astray is
cum back; let us be merry.”
My brethren, this parable applize ez well to
the present time ez though it wuz made for it.
Uncle Samyuel is the old man, the Suthern wing
uv the Dimekratik party is the proddygal, and
the Abolishnists is the oldest son. The South
got tired, and went off on its own hook. It hez,
I make no doubt, spent the heft uv its substance,
and will shortly conclude to cum home. Now, the
grate question uv the hour is—How shel he be
reseeved? My frends, the Dimekratik rool is to
foller the scripter wen yoo can make a pint by so
doin. In this pertikeler case, godlinis is gane.
Halleloogy! therefour, let us be godly. Let Uncle
Samyuel see the repentant proddygal afar orf—
let him go out to seek him, er send Fernandywood,
and when he hez found him, let him fall,
not upon his neck, but at his feet—let him put on
-- 165 --
[figure description] Page 165.[end figure description]
to him the purple robe, wich is royalty, and upon
his hand a ring, wich is dominion, wich is a improvement
upon Scripter.
But the Abolishnist, who is the elder son, steps
up and sez: “Nary. He wuz a doin well, and he
wented out frum us, takin awl that wuz his own,
and sech ez he cood steel, all uv wich he hez
spent upon such harlots as Afrikin Slaivry, Stait
Rites, and Suthern Independence, wich last two
menshund is whited sepulkers. I sent my sons,
Grant, and Rosycrance, and Benbutler after him;
but, lo! wen he wuz strong and wiggerrus, he did
despitefully use them. Now that he is week from
hunger, let him brindle. Ef we take him to our
buzems, let him cum on his knees; let him cast
off the harlots that hev sedoost him, that ther
may be no moar trubble in all the land.”
My brethren, we must taik him back ez the old
man did in the Bible. Why? do you ask. Becoz
he wuz alluz the old man's pet, and had
things his own way. We wuz his frends, and
shared with him the steelins, but sence he went
out, the Abolishn brother and his frends hev controld
things, and whare air we? Eko ansers, Nowhair!
We okepy low plasis in the sinagog, and
the doggery-keepers go mournin about the streets,
and refuse to be comforted, becoz ther cash is not,
-- 166 --
[figure description] Page 166.[end figure description]
and ef we taik back the proddygal, shorn of his
strength, uv what avail is he to us? He must
cum back ez strong as ever; he must bring his
harlots with him—he must ROOL! Then shel
we hev the post-orifises, and then shel we agin
live on the fat uv the land, dodgin the cuss uv
labor. Brethrin, let us be dillygent in this grate
work, instant in seeson and out of seeson.
A collecshun wuz takin up for the purpus uv
sending a mishunary 2 Massychusits, wich yeelded
7 dolars. Ez the amount woodent pay the rale-rode
fair, it wuz voted to apply it on repairs on
the church, wich I did by havin my boots haff-sold,
and buyin a new hankercher.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 167 -- p631-166
XLV. DREAMS.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
February the 6th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 167.[end figure description]
I am no speshel bleever in dreems. The gulf
atwixt the material and immaterial worlds is 2
wide to be spand by the bridj uv sleep, or if
spand at all, the way is 2 narrer to make safe
even the passij uv a nite-mare. [Poeticle idee.]
Still, the sperit may, wen loost frum its lode uv
clay, sore off in2 the dim fucher, and retane a
porshen uv its impreshns when it agin okepies
its prison-howse.
Last Saterdy nite I hed a dreme. I hed bin
a redin “Cotton is King,” and sech works, aidin
my understandin with frequent drafts frum a
bottel containin “nacher's last best gift 2 man,”
and I fell in2 a gentel slumber. I dreemd that
the Confederasy hed bin successful, that it carried
out its orijinel idee, and hed subjoogatid the
Northern Staits. Gefferson Davis wuz roolin at
Washington, under the title uv “Gefferson I, Empror
uv all the Amerikys.” The Senit and Hows
uv Repsentativs hed bin dun away with by
-- 168 --
[figure description] Page 168.[end figure description]
decrees, and the biznis uv governin wuz dun solely
by the empror and his ministers. All to wunst
I wuz in Washington, a rolein along in a gorjus
carige. I wuz sumwat surprizd at my persnel
apperans. I wuz drest in flesh-culered tites, with
sandels on my feet, with dimund buckels onto em,
and on my hed wuz a crown, makin me resemble
a play acter I seed wunst a playin Richerd. Suddenly
the carige stopt, and I alitid, and assended
the steps uv the palise. It was a resepshun, and
a chamberlin wuz announcin the gests ez they
arriv. “Earl von Seymor!” “Count de Richmond!”
“Markuis Fernandywood!” and, ez I
stept forerd, wat a gush uv exstasy thrild thro my
vanes as the chamberlin (who wuz little Samcox,)
showtid, “DOOK DE NASBY!” O, wot a moment!
My dreems continnerd. Methawt the nobility
wuz made up uv the offisers uv the Confedrit
armies, and sech Northern men ez hed bin troo
to the Confedrisy. The Northern Staits hed bin
diwided into dookdums, and erldums, and sich—
my territory extending forty miles eech way frum
Wingert's Corners, whair my dookal palise wuz
sitooated. Niggers wuz dun away with, ez all
the whites, excepting the privligd classes, wuz
serfs, wich effectooally settled the question uv
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-- 171 --
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Afrikin slaivry. The nobility ownd the land, and
the inhabitants wuz all peasantry, payin to the
lord uv the soil 4-fifths uv the produx. I wuz
livin in stile. We hed subjoogatid the Abolishnists,
and wuz usin their leadin men ez our meenyels.
O, it wuz magnificent and gorjus! I arose
evry mornin with Sumner a holdin a bason, and
Waid a pourin uv perfoomd water over my hands,
after wich Chase dryd em with towels. They wuz
my servance! Poetikle justise.
In short, Gefferson Davis, ez soon as he hed
the power, hed declaird the idee uv men governin
themselves a failyoor, and hed revivd the old
foodel system. France and England hed assisted
him in establishin hisself, and hed jest got the
thing into good runnin order. One seen in my
dreem filled me full uv joy. I thot I wuz in my
dukel robes, in my ancestrel halls, overlookin my
stewart (W. Dennison) a reseevin triboot frum
the happy peasantry, wen I notist among em sum
who hed refoosed me credit in the days uv the
Republic. Rage filled my sole. “Away with the
hory miscreance!” showtid I to my armd serviters,
“away with em 2 the deepest dunjun neeth
the castel mote! ha! ha!” Just then I awoke.
It wuz but a dreem, but it left an impreshen
on my mind. “If we succeed in smashin Lincoln
-- 172 --
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and his guverment,” thawt I, “a monerkey must
ensoo, and, who nose, I may yet be Dook de
Nasby!” Filled with new zele, I resoomd labor
on my sermon for the morrer, on the unconstooshnality
uv the puttin down rebelyuns with muskets,
with renood wigger.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XLVI. TRIES TO AWAKEN AN INTEREST.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
February the 10th, 1864.
The old Dimokrasy hez lost its anshent sperit.
I know not why, but a gloomy forebodin ez to our
fucher hez hed poseshun uv my sole for sevral
weeks past. I notist that the farmers belongin to
my flock wuz a savin up greenbax, and hed quit
callin uv em rags; menny refoozd to contribbit to
the Vallandigum Fund, and the colleckshun for
the benefit uv the Confedrit prizners at Jonson's
Iland wuz a totle faleyoor, in consekens uv wich
I am doin without a overkote this cold wether,
wich is unclerikle. And wuss than this—I hev
-- 173 --
[figure description] Page 173.[end figure description]
heerd, resently, members uv the congregashun
discussin the skarsity uv laber, and I actooally
heerd wun uv em dam Geff Davis, instid uv
Linkin! I felt that suthin must be dun, and I
set abowt to do it.
I hed bin preechin considable on the subgik uv
a nigger imigrashen, and ez the dislike uv nigger
is cronic in the Dimekratik mind, I thot I wood
stir em up with the nigger onct more. So I blackd
myself all over, and puttin on a soot uv old cloze,
I startid out afore daylite, pintin for Square Gavitt's,
who alluz wuz a invetrit hater uv the nigger.
The old man saw me a cumin, and I spectid
nothin less than a bullet thro me; but for the
grate coz, I hed determind to resk even that.
But, to my horror, the Square sed good mornin,
and askt wher I wuz frum. I told him I wuz a
runaway slaiv frum Virginny; that 32,000 startid
the same day I did; and that the rest wood be
along in a day or 2. I spozd he wood bile at
this; but he did n't. He puld from his brestpockit
the familyer old bottel, and inwited me to
taik hold, wich I did, wondrin why he wuz so
plesent to a nigger. Alas for Dimokrasy! I soon
found out. HE WANTED 2 HIRE ME to
work for him. Ez the words fell frum his lips,
I well-nigh fainted; but my consternashen wuz
-- 174 --
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redubbled when he askt me if I coodent git him
3 or 4 more kulerd men! “Kulerd MEN!” thot
I, in agony. O, wat a softnin down frum the
“Nigger” uv a yere ago!
Sadly I retracd my steps. Washing off my disgise,
I felt, for the fust time in my life, utterly and
entirely retched. Wen Dimekrats git to callin
niggers “kulerd men,” and want em to work beside
em, and drink out uv the same bottle with
em, wat better air they than Ablishnists? The
fucher uv the Dimokrasy is, indeed, dark and
gloomy. We can't move the peeple ez we ust 2.
They pay the taxis, and say they aint so hevy
after all. They hev diskiverd that guverment
munny is n't wuthless; they won't talk eny more
about resistin the draft—on the contrary, they are
raisin munny to send Dimekrats into the army,
wich alluz cums back rantin Ablishnists, a nockin
down peese men and forsin em 2 taik the oath.
Farmers endoor the high prices uv prodoose with
a pashense and ekanimity wonderful to behold.
Yisterday Bill Sipes sold his sorril mare for $150,
and insistid on hevin his pay all in greenbax. I
warnd Wilyum uv the risk he wuz runnin in
keepin so much uv that stuff, wen he impudently
exclaimed, “Stuff! hay! Old Nosey, that 's playd
out.”
-- 175 --
[figure description] Page 175.[end figure description]
“Old Nosey!” “Playd out!” This to his spiritooal
father, his paster, and gide! Whair air
we driftin?
Wat we are to do to stem the tide that is settin
agin us is more than I know. A good, decisiv
Confedrit victry wood help us; but, alas! I see no
probability uv that. It 's 2 lait to talk uv compermise,
for thers hardly enuff left uv the Sowth
to compermise with. I 'm sick. I 'm sorry I
supported Vallandigum. I wish I hed bin a war
man. My congregashen is gittin look-warm, and
don't pay ther qwartrage reglar, and the grosrykeepers
air intimatin that before long I must begin
to pay for my licker! Wher will it end?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 176 -- p631-175
XLVII. RECOMMENDS UNANIMITY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
February the 19th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 176.[end figure description]
In my boyhood's daze, wen life wuz all a
dreme, my buddin genius wuz bein dewelupt a
a loggin with oxen. Wun team I hed, wich got
insain wun day, and insted uv pullin at the log,
ez well-regelatid oxen do, they histid theirselves
around, facin each other, and pulled until wun
hed dislokatid his neck, and the other I kild with
a stun in a fit uv richus rage, and they fed the
ravens uv the valley, wich is figgerativ for the
children uv the nigger farmer my father borrerd
em uv. And here let me say, that, for ginooine,
syentific borrerin, the old man wuz ekaled by
few, and serpast by nun. He borrerd a hoss uv
a dokter, in colera time, wich wuz brillyant; but
his shay doover wuz borrerin a new overkote uv
a reddy-made clothing man, whose naim wuz Solomons.
His last grate feet wuz borrerin a hoss,
lait wun nite, for wich he wuz sent 2 the penitenshary,
bekoz he omitted hevin any conversashen
with the owner aforehand. These okkerd in Noo
-- 177 --
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Gersy, and the owner uv the property wuz a di
rekter in the Kamden & Amboy, wich is the only
okashuns wher steelin is punisht in that Stait.
But 2 resoom:
The parable uv the oxen applize 2 the Dimokrasy
with grate force. Like them, we hev faced
about, and air pullin aginst eech uther. Ez neer
ez I kin estimait it, the Dimekratik boddy pollytik
contanes eight distink elemence, to-wit:
1. Them ez would nominait Micklellan on a war
platform.
2. Them ez would nominait Micklellan on a
peese platform.
3. Them as wood nominait Vallandigum on a
peese platform.
4. Them ez wood nominait Vallandigum on a
war platform.
5. Them ez wood favor the war ef slaivry cood
be let alone.
6. Them ez air oppozd to the war in enny
shape.
7. Them ez is in Canady, in consekens uv
drafts.
8. The betwixt and betweeners, who air ashamd
uv our party, and aint sootable for any uther.
They air with Dimokrasy ez the Michigander is
with his itch—wood like 2 git rid uv it, but can't.
-- 178 --
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These classis is pullin and haulin agin eech
uther, and instid uv makin hed agin the common
inemy, we air frittrin away our strength and time,
a settlin among ourselves as 2 wat we bleeve.
This is loonacy unekeld. Troo, we hev been unfortnit
in our political speculashens. We made
divers and sundry ishoos, and hev bin beat on all
uv em. We prophside concernin the strength uv
the Sowth, the wuthlesnis uv paper munny, the
immigrashen uv niggers, gineral rooin, et settry;
but, alas! they awl faild. It wuz up-hill biznis
yellin “Nigger!” “Nigger!” wen ther wuz no nigger;
it wuz hoomiliatin 2 talk 2 hours a convinsin
peeple uv the wuthlesnis uv guvment munny, and
then see a Dimekrat sell a hoss, and rite under
yer nose refoose to taik any thing but greenbax
for pay. It wuz desprit hard work 2 talk uv
ginral ruin, wen every body hed a pockitful uv
munny, wich munny wood pay dets.
These failyoors shood teech us wisdum. We
shood decide fust upon what to bleeve, and then
we must all bleeve it, and go to work to inockelate
the peeple. It maiks nary diffrense to me wat
creed we adopt; ez a Dimekrat, I kin go eny wun
uv the 8. Wat we want is votes; and wat diffrense
duz it maik whether we git em by goin
strate or by weevin a trifle. Ther air menny
-- 179 -- p631-178
[figure description] Page 179.[end figure description]
rodes to the post-orifises, but ef we divide up and
skatter our forsis over all uv em, we shel be beet
in detale. We hev evry reeson to be encuridgd.
Davis is strengthnin his armies, and wun victry
won by him will lay Ablishnism cold. Let us
present a solid front to the foe, and go in to win.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XLVIII. AGAIN REPUDIATES M'CLELLAN, AND GIVES REASONS THEREFOR.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
February the 29th, 1864.
The ijeotic ijee uv nominatin Micklellan apperes
to be gainin ground among the Dimokrasy.
Whenever a party gits a goin down hill, it seems
ez ef dubble-distild loonacy invariaribly taiks holt
uv the engineers, instid uv the cool, cam wisdom
nessary to histe it back into assendensy.
I obgect to the nominashen uv Micklellan for
these reezns:
1st [and 4most.] We can't win with him.
Who 's a goin 2 vote for him? The old hard-heded
Peese Men, who objeks to drafts, won't, becoz,
-- 180 --
[figure description] Page 180.[end figure description]
wile he wuz in command he laid, in the swamps
uv the Chickyhominy, the foundashen for a purty
hevy draft; besides, he is still drawin pay ez a
ginral in this unholy croosaid. The War Dimekrats
won't, coz, ez a orfiser operatin agin the
Sowth, he wuz not eggsactly a Napoleon. Indeed,
a aggreeved frend uv mine frum Gorgy likend
him unto a kickin shot-gun—dangerus only to
them ez held it. He has n't the elemence uv success
in him, ez I kin see. He wuz n't born uv
poor but onist parence; he never druv horses on
the kanal; he dident study rithmetic by the fire
in a log-cabin; neether did he walk bairfoot, in
the ded uv winter, 13 miles, to beg a Congrisman
to git him in2 West Pint. There 's no precedent
for his nominashen. My 2d reeson is:
2d. Ef electid, he woodent be uv eny yoose to
me and sich ez I am.
Let enny Dimekrat who hez bin waitin for offis
4 weery yeres, look at this. Who is his frends—
his neerest? Wy, Fitsjon Porter and that clan.
I wuz a thinkin uv it over, and I bleeve it 'll do
ez a rool, that the court-marsheld and dismist orfisers
air all Micklellan men; and, wen I kum to
think uv it, I never knew a deserter that wuz n't.
Uv coarse he 'd hev to pervide for em, and wher'd
be our chanse? Wy, ther 's enuff uv these to fill
-- 181 --
[figure description] Page 181.[end figure description]
all the orfises, frum Secertary uv Stait down to
the umblest post-orifis.
Agin: Spozn that, ez soon ez he 's electid, he
shood conclood not to hev peese, and shood undertaik
to finish the war hisself. It wood be jest
like him, coz he reely hez a ijee that he 's a gineral.
Then the sponsibility uv his doins wood
rest with the Dimokrasy, wich Hevin forbid. To
think uv us bein sponsible for a Peninsooler campane!
Uv coarse, the Dimokrasy wood then hev
to volunteer. Think uv his leevin a hundred and
20 thousend ded Dimekrats atwixt Washinton and
Richmond! He wuz all well enuff wen the men
to be left with ther toes up wuz Ablishnists. It
wood be sooiside on an onparalleld scale to trust
him with that menny Dimekrats. Agin I say,
Hevin forbid!
We want a peese man. There 's no room fer
us ennywheres else; neether kin we face 2 ways.
I wunst attendid a serkus, and beheld with astonishment
the trooly grate feets uv hossmanship and
sich. Wun rider, who wuz also the moral and
instructive injy-rubber man, wuz intoxicatid, and
conseetid he cood ride 2 hosses, eech goin a diffrent
way. Tyin his feet to the spiritid steeds, he
startid em; but, alars! in a second he wuz ript in
2 peeses, and the arena wuz drencht with his
-- 182 -- p631-181
[figure description] Page 182.[end figure description]
goar. Let us taik warnin by his sad fait. Our
hoss is not a war-hoss—his naim is Peese, and
we must hev a man upon whose garmence ther
is no smell uv blood. The gentle Brite, the
grate Vallandigum, the akoot Fernandywood, the
elegant Samcox, enny wun uv that pecoolyer
stripe will do us, and give us ground to go on.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
XLIX. ORDAINS A MISSIONARY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
March the 17th, 1864.
Last Sundy we hed an improvin seezn. Robbert
Tooms Punt, who hez bin a studyin for the
ministry with me for the past 4 weeks, wuz licenst
and ordaind. He is a yooth uv much promise.
He votid twict for Bookannon, and only 18 yeres
old, swarin his votes in with a coolnis and eese
that eggscitid the admirashen uv the patriarks at
the biznis. I kin safely say that he hez whald
moar Ablishnists, bustid moar Methodist, Brethrin,
and uther hetrodox Churches, than any
-- 183 --
[figure description] Page 183.[end figure description]
Dimekrat uv his age in the Stait. He hez a brilyunt
fucher.
After the usual qwestions wuz put 2 him, and
satisfactroly ansered, the congregashen wuz dismist,
and, in the presents uv the elders and dekuns
alone, I delivered the follerin
CHARGE.
Brother—Hevin bin reglerly ordained, it only
remanes for me to giv yoo a word uv council.
Yoo air a goin in2 the apossel biznis at a rayther
unfavrable time. Man, wich is born uv woman,
hez trubble for his inheritance. I 've hed so much
uv it that, ef I hed it to do over agin, I woodent
be born at all.
The politikle hevins is orecast with poretenshus
clowds. The litenin uv wrath is leapin frum
wun to anuther, wilst the thunder, wich wuz wunst
at a distance, now rores angrily in our ears.
(Grafic ritin.) The ole ship Dimokrasy is tossin
madly onto the wild waivs, with nary a sale set,
her seams open, the water (a furrin element to
her insides) a rushin in. The stiddiest part uv
her crew hev seezd the botes and abandoned her,
and the rest uv em air a fitin for the helm.
In the mean time the ole ship is dashin past
the haven uv Success, and is hedin strate for
-- 184 --
[figure description] Page 184.[end figure description]
the rox uv Destrucshen. To yoo is intrusted a
part uv the work uv savin her. Let me entreet
yoo—
1. Avoid the soljers. With them yoo hev
nothin in common. They will despitefully use
yoo. Wunst a party uv em made me drink a
pint uv water and taik the oath uv allejinse, wich
outragis wuz follerd by conjestion uv the bowils
and inflamashen uv the brane.
2. Alluz preech agin the nigger. It 's soothin
to a ginooine, constooshnel, Suthern-rites Dimekrat
to be constantly told that ther is a race uv
men meaner than he is. Besides, it 's safe —
the nigger hez no vote. Ef he hed, we might
vary.
3. Alluz hev a marter. The Stait-rites Dimokrasy
alluz simpathyze with a man that 's in basteels
for simpathisin with the Sowth, for nun uv
em know how soon their turn may kum.
4. Preech agin amalgamashen at leest 4 Sundays
per munth. A man uv straw that yoo set
up yerself is the eesiest nockt down, pertikelerly
if yoo set him up with a view uv nockin uv him
down.
5. Alluz diloot yoor whisky for new converts.
It taiks much to convert a Ablishnist, and ef yoo
use the pure artikkle, it wood kill a ordnary
-- 185 --
[figure description] Page 185.[end figure description]
constooshn afore he 'd hev time to vote, wich wood
be aggervatin.
6. Sarch the skripters fathefully for sech passagis
ez “Cussid be Kanan,” “Servance, obey yoor
masters,” and sich.
7. Learn to rede, or at least git the shaip uv
the letters so fixt in yoor mind that when yoo
qwote frum a book or noosepaper, you will hold
it rite side up. Eddicashen hez bin a grate help
2 me.
8. Lern to spell and pronownce Missenegenegenashun.
It 's a good word.
The grate leadin ijees uv our sekt, wich it is
yoor dooty to inkulkait, is these: The nigger 's a
ape, Linkin a goriller, Jeff Davis a chrischen gentleman,
the rebellyun a struggle for rites, the soljer
a bluddy tool, Benbutler a beest, et settry.
Yoo air never 2 bleeve in Fedral victrys, but
must alluz credit Confedrit successes. I woodent
advise yoo to let yoor faith in the Confedrisy go
so fur as to taik their skrip on yer salary, neether
wood I burn greenbax. I hev dun. Go, my
brother. Let yer polar star be Dimokrasy, yer
rallyin cry, “The Yoonyun ez it wuz—the Constooshn
ez it is,” wich is latitoodinus; fite the
good fite, and the day will cum wen yoo kin lay
orf yer armor, and with “P. M.” after yoor naim,
-- 186 -- p631-185
[figure description] Page 186.[end figure description]
engoy the repose that alluz follows well-directid
and wiggerus effort.
Brother Punt startid to-day for Suthern Illinoy,
wher he hez a congregashen.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
L. WILL SUPPORT M'CLELLAN.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
April the 1st, 1864.
I am a reeznable man, and am distingisht for
not quarrelin with my bred and butter, perwidin
I kin assertane the lokashen uv the bred and
butter aforesed with any reznable degree uv sertenty.
Akootnis in the matter uv bred and butter
is a trate in all uv the Nasby family, ceptin wun,
who is carryin a muskit at $13 per munth, for
prinsipple, ez he sez. We hev repoodeatid him.
The Dimokrasy appere to want Micklellan. Ef
he is the only man we kin elect, I am kontent. I
hev alluz bin a peese man, but expeejensy, which
is the classikle fraze for bred and butter, mite indoose
me to flop. I am ust 2 sich. For a Dimekrat
who hez votid Bank and Anti-bank, Tariff
-- 187 --
[figure description] Page 187.[end figure description]
and Anti-tariff, Slavery and Anti-slavery, Nebrasky
and Anti-Nebrasky, and who hez sumtimes
bin on both sides uv the saim question to
wunst, for sich a wun, I say, to hesitait now wood
be like the man in the Skripter, who straned at a
gate and swallerd a saw-mill.
Let Micklellan give bonds to perform as folloze,
and I 'm his huckleberry; otherwise I 'm agin
him, wun and indivisible, now and furever. I
want him to stipelate:
1. That the deserters and dismist orfisers, sich
ez Fitsjon Porter, et al., shel hev not over haff
the appintments, givin us a fair show.
2. That he shel patch up a peese with his Suthern
frends ez soon ez possible after his innoggerashen.
3. That ef it shood be decided that the interests
uv the Dimekratik party reqwire a continooence
uv the war, and a appele shel be made for Dimekratik
volunteers, he shel not, under enny serkumstancis
watever, at eny time, er in eny plais,
interfere, in eny shaip, with the manijment uv the
armis, ceptin them as may be drafted from Ablishn
deestriks.
4. That, ez a garanty that justis shel be dun
them ez hez fought the soljers in the North, the
follerin Cabbynit shel be appinted:
-- 188 --
[figure description] Page 188.[end figure description]
Fernandywood, Sekertary uv Stait.
Jesse D. Brite, Sekertary uv War.
Sammedary, Sekertary uv the Navy.
F. Peerse, P. M. Genral.
5. These shel hev the fust pick uv the orfises
for ther frends. (Ez nun uv em ever hed a frend
in the Fedral armies, the peese men wood be perfickly
safe under this arrangement.)
Let Micklellan maik these pledgis, and I 'll support
him, and bring with me my entire Church.
I will deny all I ever sed agin him. I will maik
affidavits that he is the fust genral uv the age.
I will sware to bein a original Micklellan man,
alluz recognizin in him a master mind, and the
only man capable uv savin the country, and maik
sech uther affidavits ez may, frum time to time,
be nessary. Let this be dun and we may possibly
beet Linkin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 189 -- p631-188
LI. GIVES THANKS.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
May the 4th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 189.[end figure description]
To the Fatheful: The recent wictrys acheevd
by our frends in the Sowth is worthy uv speshel
thanksgivin. I ther4 direct that the follerin sam
shel be chantid in evry church on the last Sundy
in May:
A SAM UV PRAZE!
I wuz cast down and trodded under foot.
Becoz the wicked wuz exalted, and the saints
wuz umbled.
Becoz the peeple worshipt Linkin and spat
upon Vallandigum; becoz they trustid Chais, and
woodent hev nuthin to do with Fernandywood at
no price.
Becoz the hosts uv Linkin pervaled over the
hosts uv Jeff.
There4 my mind wuz trubbled and my sole wuz
constipatid.
And I cast ashes upon my hed, and bewalid,
sayin:
Wo is me.
-- 190 --
[figure description] Page 190.[end figure description]
Linkin will agin sit in high places—him and
his servance—and we shel hunt our holes.
Ther shel be uv apintments and places uv profit
a thowsand and ten-skore, but for us nary wun.
Our enemies shel hev post-orifises and shel be
clothed in goodly raiment, while we shel hev to
dig or beg.
Our food shel be sorrer, and our whisky shel
be made week with our own teers.
Thus weptid we.
But our sorrer wuz turnd to goy and our wailins
to gladnis.
For Forrest hath smoted the niggers at Fort
Pillow, and spared not one. [Hunky.]
And Dick Taylor hez whipt Banks at Red
River. [Hunky.]
And Hoke hez tooken Plymuth, and slayd the
defenders thereof. [Hunky.]
And Lee, him who aforetime spiled Micklellan,
and Burnside, and Hooker, shel chaw up Grant;
yea, he will bust him.
And he shel taik Washinton; and Linkin, and
Chais, and Seward shel be hung upon a gallus
forty kubits.
Then shel the fatheful hev ther rewards, and
be happy for keeps.
For niggers shel be plenty, and evry wun shel
-- 191 --
[figure description] Page 191.[end figure description]
hev uv them men-servance and made-servance,
and home-made servance, and conkebines.
And the rivers shel be whisky, and the banks
thereof sugar, and the fatheful shel drink their
fill.
And I shel borrer no more; for, lo! I shel revel
upon the spoils uv the Abolish.
And my noze shel shine ez the fire, and my face
shel glisten with fatnis.
Sing a new song, O my peeple, for uv lait did
ye sing small!
Maik a joyful noise, for yer enimiz shel be put
under yer feet, and you shel hev post-orifisis.
Note to the Pasters.—Ef Grant whips Lee,
maik a fast uv the day, and omit the last haff uv
the sam.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 192 -- p631-191
LII. WAILETH.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
May the 16th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 192.[end figure description]
To the Churchis: A clamity hez befallen us!
Lee is whald. This afflickshen hez bin sent for
sum good perpus. We hev not bin fatheful, and
hev bin chastizd. O, how we must hev neglectid
our dootis, to hev brot this upon us! Hev
we resistid drafts ez we shood? Hev we bin instant,
in seezn and out uv seezn, in killin niggers?
Hev we used doo dillygense in mobbin hetrodox
Churches? For these and uther short-cumins we
are now payin. The follerin sam uv hoomiliashen
will be chantid on the sekund Sundy uv
Joon, in all the Churchis in my dyocese:
A WALE!
Lift up yer voices mournfly, O my peeple!
Howl, O ye saints! howl like unto the hungry
wolf, and the disapinted jackal.
Cry out like wun who hath a grate pane—like
him who suffreth with belly-ake.
Cast ashes upon yer hed, O Fernandywood, and
clothe yerself in sack-cloth.
-- 193 --
[figure description] Page 193.[end figure description]
Hev anuther coleckshun taken up, O Vallandigum,
and pay yer board a yere or 2 in advanse,
for yer exel is lengthend.
Weep and wale, and nash yer teeth, O Dimokrasy,
for yoo hev bin measured, and yer coffin ordered,
and the day uv yer funeral apinted; and,
lo! the corpse will be reddy.
For the biter hez bin bit; yea, the strong man
hez bin overkum.
Grant, who wuz to hev bin whipt, wuz not
whipt; on the contrary, quite the reverse.
And Lee, him we sot our harts upon, hez bin
beeten, and grate hez bin the slawter uv his host.
And Beest Butler will take Richmond, and will
not be hangd, ez we prayd.
And the Confedracy will be strangled, and
Linkin will be President, and the offisis will be
lost to us forever and forever.
Uv wat avale to us wuz Fort Piller, or Plymuth,
or Red River? Lo! they were but fleabites
on the back uv a giant.
For in Verginny hev we bin chawd up, egrejisly.
And our week-kneed wuns, them ez wantid peece
last month, hev bekum blud-thirsty, and hooroar
for Linkin.
Wale, ye saints!
-- 194 --
[figure description] Page 194.[end figure description]
For we hev chained ourselves to a corpse, and
the corpse stinketh.
Die, O Micklellan, for yoo woodent sell at the
rate uv a dollar a dozen, ef playd-out genrals wuz
in demand.
Thou, too, O Vallandigum, for yer marterdum
woodent win.
Steel wiggerusly, O Fernandywood, for it 's yer
last chance.
For wen the grate Sowth fiddled, did we not
alluz dance? and now that she dieth, shel we not
go and do likewise? †Petroleum.
I am well-nigh distractid! For forty years the
Dimekratik party hez bin 2 me, litterally, wittles
and drink. For forty years hez it been my
pleezin and profitable dooty to leed a Dimekratik
flock, livin luxyoorisly off uv the sheerins. My
dreme is ore. In a few short munths ther won't
be no Dimokrasy, and wat then? I aint adaptid
to no other party. Wunst I undertook to pass
myself orf ez a Republikin, at wun uv ther convenshuns.
“My jentle frend,” did wun uv them remark,
skanning my jigantik noze, wich is the beauty and
glory uv my face, “my jentle frend, art thou wun
uv us?”
-- 195 -- p631-194
[figure description] Page 195.[end figure description]
“Verily, am I,” sez I.
“Well,” sez he, looking at my noze agin, “ef
yoo wuz in my township, and wantid to act with
us, I shood reqwire bonds.”
I mite start a grocery, but ef the Dimekratik
party expires, wat 'll that biznis be worth?
In my old age am I bereevd.
In tribelashen,
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
LIII. FREMONT'S NOMINATION.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
June the 2d, 1864.
Halleloogy!
Now is the winter uv our diskontent made gellorious
summer. The clowds that o'ercast the
perlitticle horyzon is broak, and rays frum the
sun uv success hev peerced em, gildin the noses
uv the fatheful with a rajence that whisky can
not give.
Honey hez cum out uv a karkis—good hez
perceeded frum Nazzyreth. The Raddykels hev
-- 196 --
[figure description] Page 196.[end figure description]
nominated Fremont! Halleloogy! They did it
at Cleveland.
I never votid for Fremont. In '56 I did n't
like—in fact, I aboosed him. I laft at him for
partin his hare in the middle; I accoosed him uv
being a Cathlic, and uv steelin cattle frum the
guverment. Wen Linkin appinted him genral, I
aboosed him agin, and more than ever wen he
ishood his Emansipashen Proclamashen.
But now I diskiver that I hev did him a grevous
wrong. The most bekomin way a man kin
part his hare is in the middle; the steelin uv cattle
frum guverment is a act that no man who supported
Bookannon can condemn, and his Abolishnism—
why, he 's to be pitied for that.
Uv coarse no Dimekrat can vote for him, for
ther is a triflin difference in our principples; yet
about a haff uv the Abolishn party ought to do it
by all means. John C. is the man for them, ondoubtedly.
But wether he gits menny votes or few, his bein
nominated is salvashen to us. Every vote he
gits Linkin won't git, and then what—
The bair thot almost overpowers me. We kin
elect a Dimekrat!
This movement puts a new face upon affairs.
We need n't be pertikelerly anxshus enny moar
-- 197 --
[figure description] Page 197.[end figure description]
for Lee's success; in fact, I bleeve it wood be
better for us 2 hev Grant whip Lee and taik
Richmond. For why? Becoz. Spozn about the
time the Confederasy is playd out we elect a Dimekrat,
and spozn that Dimekrat lets up on em, restoars
ther niggers, pardons em, pays ther debts,
compensaits them ez hez sustaned losses in the
war, and penshens ther widders, woodent they let
us hev the heft uv the orfisis awhile? Uv coarse
they wood.
I segest that the committis who air takin up
colleckshuns for Vallandigum send the munny
forthwith to Fremont's Execootiv Committy. I
shel taik up a colleckshun in my congregashen
immediately for that purpus.
Reinwiggoratid,
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 198 -- p631-197
LIV. NOMINATES A TICKET.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
June the 9th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 198.[end figure description]
At last lite brakes upon our darkend vision.
I see it. We 're all rite. I scent post-offises a
yere off. The way is open—let the Dimokrasy
enter boldly. My ijee is FREMONT and VALLANDIGUM!
I shel apply for a patent onto it.
It 's our last and only hope, and ef the Shecago
Convenshun do n't adopt it, the members thereof
will prove themselves ijeots. Look at it wunst:
1. Marterdom is a essenshel to candidacy in our
party. Who, I ask, is carryin a hevyer lode uv
this artikle than these 2 grate marters? Fremont
eggsild to Noo York, and Vallandigum a pinin on
a furrin shoar! Wat subjex for the illustraitid
noosepapers!
2. A variety uv principple is nessary, and this
tikkit fills the bill in that pertikeler. Wat a
range uv ijee! The largest and best selectid assortment
uv principples in the markit! The fiery
Ablishnist, the bleever in Onezimus and Hayger,
-- 199 --
[figure description] Page 199.[end figure description]
the sympathizer with the Sowth, and them ez
yelled for exsterminashun can be served at this
shop, and can all be satisfied.
3. We 've got to do it. We 've expended much
munny a gettin Fremont out, and in doin uv it
hev endorst and adoptid uv him. Spozn we let
him run, and nominait sumbody else—wat then?
We 've said so much in his favor—we 've labord
so hard at provin that Linkin aboozd him, that
we won't be able to git it out uv our peeple
by eleckshun time, and haff uv em will vote for
him. The Dimekratik intellek is limitid — it
can't hold 2 ijees to wunst, without gittin uv
em mixt.
4. It is essenshal, in a pekoonyary pint uv
vew, that we fasten the Ablishnists, for they hev
munny, and kin bare the expensis uv the campane,
wich is hunky. Fremont hisself hez the
Marryposy gold-mines.
5. We kin do it and be consistent. Compermise
hez alluz bin a bam for Dimekratik wounds,
and we must compermise—each faction sofnin
down a little. The Ablishnists must give up
ther Ablishnism, the pro-slavery men ther proslaveryism,
the war men must give up ther war,
and the peece men ther peece, and all yoonite on
the brod and comperhensive platform uv
-- 200 -- p631-199
[figure description] Page 200.[end figure description]
opposishen 2 Linkin, on akount uv HIS CORUPTNIS!
The fact that we wunst opposd Fremont for the
saim reezn, don't matter. I 'd ez soon accept a
post-offis at the hands uv Fremont ez enny uther
man.
I went out into the woods, last Sunday, to see
wether I cood holler “Hooror for Fremont!” The
fust 15 or 20 times it stuck in my throte, but
after a hour or 2, it workt smooth. Dimokrasy
is flexyble.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
LV. ADDRESSES JEFFERSON DAVIS.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
June the 12th, 1864.
J. Davis:
I address yoo in the bowils uv luv. I address
yoo ez the hed uv that Church wich I establisht
to defuse a gospil wich wuz suffishently elastic
2 save lokofokos and wimin-whippers, uv wich
classis I and yoo is shinin examples. I address
yoo, O, Gefferson D., ez wun frum the graiv, for,
in a polittikle pint uv vew, that 's where I 've bin
-- 201 --
[figure description] Page 201.[end figure description]
ever sence yoo commenst that little effort at independense,
wich yoo hev not finisht yit. I hev
no dout that ewenchooally you 'll sucseed—nary
dout. Troo, we made sum erers. In sposin wun
Sutherner wuz ekal to 5 Northrin men, we wuz
slitely sold. Also, wen we spozd the Dimokrasy
uv the North hed the pluck 2 openly resist the
tirent Linkin, we wuz deceevd muchly. Still,
they hev dun yoo, perhaps, ez much good as tho
they hed tuck up arms. But they did it in their
own way, wich is sneakin. Evry animule goze at
its biznis in a stile pekoolyer 2 itself. The eagle
sores magestikly thro the bloo empyriam at it;
the sarpint crawls on his belly at it. The shivelry
wantid the life uv the guvment, and it sored
at it; the Northrin Dimokrasy wantid the same
thing, and it sneaked at it. But remember, O,
Gefferson, the fang uv the sarpint is ez dedly ez
the talens uv the eagle.
But 2 resoom. You 've found the eagle stile uv
doin things a hard rode to travil; spozn yoo try
the snaik? Gefferson, surrender. Ask uv the
Northrin Staits that they each appint a commissioner
to arrange the terms uv yoor kumin back.
Name yoor men, and be shoor that Fernandywood
uv Noo York, and sammy Cox uv Ohio, and the
ever-blessid Brite uv Ingeany, is uv them. Ef the
-- 202 --
[figure description] Page 202.[end figure description]
goriller Linkin refoozes, wat then? Methinks
we hev him. Let him refooze enny offer uv peese,
and enuff week-need Ablishnists will jine the
ranks uv the Dimokrasy, (wich is now, alluz hez
bin, and ever will be yoors 2 kommand,) to enable
us to carry the next eleckshun. Then, O,
then, Gefferson, woodent the old times kum agin?
Woodent they?
Then, spozn he submits, and yoo disband yoor
armies, and surrender on good terms, wat then?
Can't yoo see that the peeple wood cry hozanner
2 us for bringin about a peese, and woodent we
carry the eleckshun on that? O, no! not enny!
Yoo know wat wood foller yoor return. The
Dimokrasy uv to-day is the saim ez they wuz under
Peerse and Bookannon. The Ethiop can not
change his skin, ner the lepperd his spots, and
Noo Gersey is Noo Gersey still. Our kneez are in
good workin order, and our bax is limber. We
are a mule, saddled and bridled—mount and ride.
To rool is yoor normal condishn—to serve is ourn.
Rool, Gefferson; all we ask is a long pull, a strong
pull, and a pull altogether, at the trezry. That 's
all.
Gefferson, these segestion is frum a Dimekrat
uv thirty years standin—wun whose record shoze
no skratched tikkits, and whose nose no watered
-- 203 -- p631-202
[figure description] Page 203.[end figure description]
whisky. Do not throw em aside unconsidered.
They 're yoor last chanse and our last hope. Yoo
may win by fitin, but alars! I can't wate 20 years
for a post-orifis. Long ere that time whisky will
hev dun its perfick work upon me, and I shel hev
pegd out. I want reddy releef, and that 's wat 's
the matter with the entire party. Our weel, our
wo is in yoor hands. Gefferson, be wise.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
LVI. ON THE RETURN OF VALLANDIGHAM.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
June the 21st, 1864.
Goy to the world—Vallandigum is cum! The
grate exel, in defianse uv the edix uv a usurpin
despot, hez returnd to his naytiv sile! Glory!
My buzm swells with emoshun, and I leep for
goy. Welkum, Vallandigum!
Overgoyd ez I am, my sensashens air not all
plesherable. The return uv the distingisht champion
uv Suthrin rites is sumwat embarrassin.
The trooth is, Vallandigum wuz not jest the man
we wantid for a leeder. He hez tung, without
-- 204 --
[figure description] Page 204.[end figure description]
discreshun, wich qwalitis hez ruind menny buddin
genuses. Sech men kin alluz succeed in kickin
up a dust, but, forchunately, they alluz git smothered
in it. Vallandigum's weeknis is—Vallandigum.
Shet him up in a sekloodid spot, wher he
hed noboddy 2 blather to about hisself, and he 'd
expire in disgust in a week. 2 resoom.
His return is unfortunit, becoz—
What will we do with him? Under his leedership,
we wuz bein redoost 2 a wery small pint, so
small indeed that we wuz jest reddy to berry. At
this crisis Linkin he ups and arrests him. Wat a
turn that wuz for us! It wuz a dubble-actin leever
that lifted us 2 ways, to-wit: we got shet uv
Vallandigum, who wuz a unmixt noosance here.
It convertid a noosance into a marter, wich wuz
wat we wantid, and give us ground to go on.
Vallandigum ort 2 hev bin more grateful than
2 hev bustid this arrangement by cumin back.
Hed he stayd, a poor exel on a furrin shoar, a
strainin uv his ize to git even a faint glimpse uv
his nativ land, until the campane wuz ⅔ds over,
and then committed sooiside jest afore eleckshun,
in a fit uv temprary insanity brot on by greef,
and sorrer, and wo, and sich, it wood hev bin
hunky. His funeral wood hev bin profitable 2
us, for he is like the jentle hog, a hevy expense
-- 205 --
[figure description] Page 205.[end figure description]
to his owner wile livin, and uv no earthly profit
2 him till he dies.
Agin. Ther 's no call for takin up coleckshuns,
enny more, for his benefit, and—away goze the
cheef inkum not only uv myself, but uv haff uv
the Dimokratik politishns uv the Stait. I shel hev
2 deny myself uv all luxooris frum this time out.
Wat kin we do with him? He heznt the nack
uv sayin 2 things at wun say, and nuthin else
will do us. Wen the party was a settin its face
mildly aginst slaivry, to fool the Free-silers, he wuz
for eraddykatin the evil. Now, wen we air pintin
mildly Southward, he 's declarin for em openly,
in his usual loonattik stile.
2 konklood. I luv Vallandigum; but ef Linkin
wood arrest him and immure him in the
darkest dunjun in Fort Warin, or hang him, or
marter him in enny manner, he wood trooly confer
a faver on the undersined, and the entire Dimekratik
party. Then wood we carry his deceest
karkis thro the North, with suthin to show on our
chargis uv tiranny. But with Vallandigum at liberty
and in good helth, the fust, last, and only victim
uv unconstooshnel usurpashen air gone, and
with it our cappytal.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 206 -- p631-205
LVII. DEFINES HIS POSITION, AND APPEALS FOR AID.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
July the 3d, 1864.
[figure description] Page 206.[end figure description]
The Methdist, Presbyterean, Lutheran, and
uther hetrodox Churchis, air, to-day, the most
hefty obstikkles in the path uv the Dimokrasy;
and, to successfully oppose em, I institootid the
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, uv wich I am
paster uv sed Church, in charge. Wat the Dimokrasy
now want is Church extension: hents this
appeal.
Dimokrasy is bilt upon the one ijee that the
nigger is a babboon. That 's our corner-stun—
knock it out, and the entire fabric tumbles.
The hetrodox Churches insist that the nigger is
human, and that he hez a sole 2 saiv and fit it for
the skize. This doctrin, ef it pervales, nox Dimokrasy
higher ner a kite. For why? Bekos: ef
the nigger's human, and not a beest, wher 's
slaivry? Ekko answers, No whair. Bekoz: the
commandment sez, “Thow shalt not steel,” et
settry. Ef the nigger's a man, we steel wen we
taik his laber. Ef he 's a beest, wy, then, we hev
-- 207 --
[figure description] Page 207.[end figure description]
dominyun over him, and may use him ez we do
the pashent ox.
The pint is plane.
The Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, uv wich
I am paster uv sed Church, in charge, devotes
its entire intellek to constrooin the Skripters in
akordence with the Dimekratik ijee.
Sum uv our brethren, who still hev Methdist
and Presbyterin sooperstishuns in2 em, appollygize
for their support uv the grate instooshn, by
insistin that they bring the Afrikin over 2 this
country for the purpis uv chrischenizin uv him.
Away with sich nonsents! I 'll nun uv it. Is it
chrischenlike 2 ceeze a man in his naytiv land
and bring him 2 a furrin shore agin his will?
Agin: Ef that 's evangelikle, is it proper 2 maik
the forsibly evangelizd heethen work for his bord
and wun soot uv cheep cloze, per annum, continooally
bein perswadid to renood effort by the
cat-o'-nine tales? Ther is grate gane in sich godlinis—
at leest 500 per sent. Most ennybody will
go in2 the mishnary biznis on them terms. I,
week ez I am, kin bare sich a cross. Besides,
wen yoo 've got a cargo convertid, why don 't yoo
send em back? Dostest thow desire 2 convert
their children? O mizable subterfooj! Ef the
parience wuz convertid, woodent the children be?
-- 208 --
[figure description] Page 208.[end figure description]
Ef that 's yer ijee, what do ye sell em for? Hev
yoo took a morgaje onto em for expensis incurd
in bringin uv em here, and hev yoo the power uv
4closin?
Bosh! (A expreshun uv disgust.) Ef they 're
human, they hev a warranty deed for their boddis
and soles, the saim ez we hev. Hents, ez slaivry
is nessary 2 the Dimekratik party, we must defend
it on solid ground.
Ther4 my Church, uv wich I am sed paster, in
charge, strikes out boldly, and teeches that a nigger
is a BABBOON—a beest. Wen wild, he 's
enny boddy's property that capchers and tames
him; after wich, him and his young is abslootely
his, to do with as seemeth good in his site.
(Blakstun.)
Troo, amalgamashen, wich alluz apperes to be
practist wher the instooshn exists, is agin us, for
wen a slaiv hez a man for a father, he 's only half
babboon. But I never seed enny Dimekratik
principple that hed n't a week pint in it.
We want munny to establish our Church. We
must send mishnaries to Northrin Illinoy, to the
Western Reserve, and 2 Massychusitts. It taiks
munny for our preechers to live now, for whisky
is 10 sents per drink, even in the most obskoor
doggrys. Men and brethrin, kum 2 our ade.
-- 209 --
[figure description] Page 209.[end figure description]
We hev no lack uv labrers in this grate vin-yard.
Evry yere the uther Churchis expel more
or less uv their preechers, for irregelaritis in
swappin hosses, and for extreme conwiviality and
sich, who er willin to be reseevd in2 our buzm.
They are reddy; all we want is means to set em
aflote.
Remittencis uv 10 cents and upwards thankfly
reseevd. I 'm President, Secretary, Treasurer,
and Bord uv Trusteez uv the Associashen.
Remit librally and to wunst. The high karicter
uv the offishary is suffishent garantee that the
munny will be properly applide.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 210 -- p631-209
LVIII. DECLARES FOR REPUDIATION AND UNION WITH THE SOUTH.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
July the 10th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 210.[end figure description]
I hev made up my mind that the Suthrin Confedrisy
is a succeed, and that my fondest hopes
is about bein realizd. Troo, the next blast that
sweeps frum the Sowth may bring 2 our eers the
nooze uv Lee's defeet, but at present writin things
is favrable. Wat follers?
It 's plane that the Dimokrasy kin never liv in
peece with Noo Ingland. We cood endoor it wen
we hed the Suthrin Staits 2 balense em at the
poles, for wenever wun uv em startid a noosepaper,
or went a lectrin out West to spred Noo
Ingland ijees, we suspendid the liberty uv the
press and uv speech, by hangin the lectrer and
smashin the press. Wich is Dimokrasy.
The North-west must cut off from the East,
with a vew uv jinin the Confedrisy. Uv coarse,
them nashen woodent taik us with a debt on our
sholders, for they wood hev to repoodiate it; and
they air a gentlemanly stile uv peeple, who won't
do a dirty thing ef they kin git sumboddy else
-- 211 --
[figure description] Page 211.[end figure description]
to do it for em, wich they hev never faled 2 do,
sence they bought up us Dimekrats. Hents, they
wood reqwire repoodiashen, wich we wood do
gladly and willinly, for these reasons, to-wit:
1. It woodent tech menny uv the fatheful, ez
them holdin greenbax and guvment bonds air almost
excloosivly Ablishnists. Therefour, it wood
be a punishin uv our enemies.
2. Ez a rool, the Ablishnists wood leve the country
in disgust, wich is benefishl in 2 ways: givin
the Dimokrasy clene sweep, and enablin evry indivijjle
uv em 2 git wun uv their farms—the only
way we 'll ever git em.
Then we 'd hev slaivry in the North-west.
Eckstatic thot! My hart dilates at the bair
ijee! I, Nasby, who hez bin refoozd credit for
likker—whose throte hez bin parcht becoz the
dime wuz not—who hez bin obleeged to obtane
his likker to sustane eggistense by stratejy—Nasby,
P. V., will hev a plantashen and—Niggers!
Won't I demonstrait the sooperiority uv the Anglo-Sacksun
over the Afrikin, by wallopin em!
Perhaps not! Won't I hev niggers for carpenters,
and blacksmiths, and bricklayers, and sich?
Won't we clean out the poor people, and establish
a ginooine aristocrisy—ownin laber, instid uv
hirin it? Won't we, the sooperior class, dodge
-- 212 --
[figure description] Page 212.[end figure description]
the cuss uv laber—fillin our quota uv sed cuss by
puttin in nigger substitoots? Won't I spend my
days a suckin cocktales and my nites at poker,
sellin a family evry now and then to keep up
financis? Them 's happinis condenst—them 's my
ijees uv a terresterial paradise.
Hasten thy work, O Lee! Maik thyself strong,
O Boregard! Be wise and bold, O Jonson! Go
forrerd in yer nigger-killin, O Forist! and O, Davis!
(Jefferson) may yoo manij the hellum ez well
as they execoot yer commands! These is my
prayer!
For wun victry for Lee, and a short crop, addid
to the taxis, and the drafts, and sich, will turn
enuff week Ablishnists in2 peece men 2 bust
Linkin, and elect a peese man. Then will I assoom
the speer in wich I am fittid to move.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 213 -- p631-212
LIX. SHOWS THAT A WAR PLATFORM WON'T DO FOR THE DEMOCRACY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
July the 17th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 213.[end figure description]
It is probable, yes, I may say, tolable sertin,
that P. V. Nasby, wich is preecher uv sed Church,
in charge, may retire frum publik life shortly.
Why? methinks I heer the entire Dimekratik
party, who hev long regarded me as a ornament
2 my secks, and the wun altogether luvly, exclame.
The why is plane to a massive intellek,
wich is me—the good old Dimekratik party is on
the strate rode to destruction, and, to yoose a
raleroad mettyfor, onless it is switcht orf at Shecago,
it 's a goner, and the more it succeeds at
the November eleckshun, the wus is its goneniss!
“Singler!” exclames a patriotic and self-sacrificin
Dimekrat, who hez a post-orifis in his beemin
eye—“singler that success shood rooin us. Wy,
that 's wat we 're goin for.”
Jently, my frend. Uv wat avale is it to elect
a President in sich a way ez 2 make it morally
sertin to be defeetid ever after? Troo, we 'd hev
the post-orfisis; but, with a Ablishn Congris to
-- 214 --
[figure description] Page 214.[end figure description]
watch us, wher 'd be the chancis uv steelin, nessary
to our support?
To eloocydait. The Dimokrasy hev postponed
their convenshun till it is assertaned how Lee vs.
Grant cums out. Ef Lee whales Grant—peece
platform. Ef Grant whales Lee—war platform.
Now the chancis air that Lee will be whipt, for
the tyrent Linkin hez a spite at that grate and
good man. Then we 're a war party, and go into
the campane on the corruptnis uv the Administrashen,
and beet em, and git the post-orifises.
Wat then? Wy this. The war is OUR war;
the taxis is OUR taxis; the drafts is OUR drafts,
and WE wood hev the responsibility instid uv
our enemis. Ez a matter uv coarse, Dimekrats
wood hev to do the volunteerin, for it wood be
their war, and the armies wood hev to be led by
Dimekratik ginerals. Good hevins! Immagin
500,000 Dimekrats under sich ez Micklellan and
Booel! Wat a redoosin uv magoritis—wat a
waste uv votin stock ther wood be!
The troo polisy for us is peese. Ez a peese
party, we are certin uv gettin the support uv
these classis, to-wit:
The stingy cusses, who obgect to payin taxis.
The cowerdly cusses, who air afrade uv bein
draftid.
-- 215 --
[figure description] Page 215.[end figure description]
Every draft and every new tax jest more 'n
adds to our ranks; so fast, indeed, that ef we cood
stop the Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran, etc.,
revivals uv religun, and git whisky back to old
prices, so that we cood afford to use it profoosely,
we cood be in good shaip next fall.
By bein a war party we lose all these people,
and taik them out; and, in the name of hevin, wat
wood be left uv us!
Peese is our best and only holt, and, onless the
party taik that dodge, I shel retire, for we can't
win but wunst on war, and then the responsibilities
we 'd hev to assoom wood be 2 much for us.
The Dimekratik intellek is not hefty.
Ez for myself, I 've no feers—I kin git along.
There 's small groseries to be run; and the retailin
uv likker in a striktly Dimekratik community,
where they 'd work jest twelve hours — earnin
enuff to carry em thro the uther 12 at my bar—
has alluz appered to me to be the highth uv
earthly bliss.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 216 -- p631-215
LX. HAS A CLASS MEETING, AND DEPRECATES NEGROKILLING.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
July the 30th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 216.[end figure description]
Our class meetins hev bin sumwat neglectid uv
lait. Sumhow, it is in our Church ez it is in the
hetrodox—we air hot and cold alternitly. Last
Sundy we hed a preshus seezn.
Brother Siples spoak. He confest that he wuz
a week mortal. He hed his ups and downs, bad.
It wuz ruff on him. Wenever Grant and Sherman
hed a success, his faith faled him; and sumtimes
he hed difficulty in cumin to time even wen
Lee whipt Grant. But he hed resently paid $2
per gallon for whisky, and that stird him. With
wun hand upon his 2 often empty jug, and tother
pinted to heven, he hed sworn eternal hostility to
them ez hed razed these prices, wich is Ablishnists.
If convenyent, he askt the brethring to
pray for him.
Brother Hopp riz. He hed his ups and downs
also—rayther more downs than ups. His sole
wuz full wen Forrist killed the niggers; but, alas!
wo wuz on him wen Sherman flaxt em at Atlanta.
-- 217 --
[figure description] Page 217.[end figure description]
Now the skize is brite. Lee holds out bully, and
tother day 4,000 niggers wuz kild at Petersburg.
At this pint I interruptid Brother Hopp. The
killin uv niggers is no coz uv rejoisin. Wat a
destrucshen uv property! 4,000 niggers at $1,500
per nigger, is $6,000,000! This sum uv munny,
even at the present Ablishn prices, wood prodoose
60,000,000 nips! Wood, O, wood that I
wuz condemd 2 consoom em all! Ef them niggers
hed bin white men, I woodent hev keered.
Wy? Bekoz, white soljers is all Ablishnists.
Do n't shake yer hed, Brother Gamp; it 's so.
Yoor own son, even, backslid. He it wuz who
writ hum, a sayin that if he cum back and found
that ole hipocrit, Nasby, a eetin chickings about
yoor house, he 'd plump a ounce ball into him.
Hipocrit! Chickings! Sich baseniss confirms me
in my beleef in the doctrin uv totle depravity. I
am no obtroosiv gest at the tables uv my flock.
Troo, I ete; but wood eny uv em say that chickings
wuz a equivalent for my improvin conversashen?
Ez for the paltry munny I borrer, I alluz
giv my note, wich settles them transactions.
2 resoom. Every nigger killed inflaims our
brethrin powrful. Immagin, my brethrin, a Suthern
artilrist a bringin uv his peece to bare upon
the advansin enemy. He sees they are niggers,
-- 218 --
[figure description] Page 218.[end figure description]
and his hart sinks. Neerer and neerer they cum.
Seezin a glass, he vews em, and, horrer! in the
front rank, “clothd in soots uv bloo,” he beholds
his indivijjle niggers! Neerer! neerer!
Fain wood he spare em, for them very niggers
may be the uncles uv a half dozen uv his children,
(wich is patriarkle,) to say nuthin uv the
munny he hez inwestid in em. But no! The
order is given! “Fire!” He pulls the fatal
string, and ez he beholds his own property a
bleedin on the plain, he swoons away. My jentle
frends, I make no dout that haff the cases reportid
in the Suthrin papers ez sun-stroak, wuz frum this
coz.
Uther brethrin giv their experence in. The
feelin is improvin sence the draft, and I hev faith
that ef our groseries kin hold up till September
5, under the credit system, and too menny don't
run 2 Canady, we will be able to whale eny Provo
Marshell's forse they kin send agin us.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 219 -- p631-218
LXI. STARTS A SOCIETY OF HIS OWN.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
August the 3d, 1864.
[figure description] Page 219.[end figure description]
I am no “Son uv Liberty.” Enny Dimekrat
who can't stan a hevyer dose than that instooshn
affords, ain't fit to hev the electiv franchise exercised
for him. I hev instootid a order uv my
own, wich is more adaptid 2 the Dimekratik intellek
at large—suthin that they kin understand.
Wat 's the yoose, I ask indignantly, uv tellin
our deciples that free speech is dun away with by
Linkin, wen we are openly blattin Suthrin rites
on evry cross rodes, without enny mentle reservation
watsoever? Wat's the yoose uv talkin 2
Dimekrats about habis corpusses, wen haff uv em
never had em, and tother haff woodent hev knode
the yoose uv em if they'd a had em? Nonsents!
My order, wich I call the “Anshent and Sublime
Order uv Putty-backs,” hez suthin in it they
kin understand.
The follerin is a part uv the ritooel: The candydate
is brot into the anty-room, (so cald frum
the fact that he there anties up his inishashen
-- 220 --
[figure description] Page 220.[end figure description]
fee,) blind-folded. He 's frightend. A bottle is
applide 2 his nose, wich reassures him, for well
he nose wher ther 's whisky ther 's Dimokrasy.
The follerin dialogue ensoose:
Queshun. Air you a Dimekrat?
Q. Do yoo considder yoorself better than a
nigger?
Q. Air yoo afeerd yoor sister will marry a nigger,
and do you want the Lejislacher uv yer various
Stait 2 maik laws a preventin uv her?
Do yoo bleeve that a Ablishnist luvs a nigger
better'n himself, his wife and children, his unkles
and ants, and sich?
Do yoo bleeve that this war, conseevd by John
Brown and innoggeratid by A. Linkin, is bein
carrid on by Ablishnists for the sole purpus uv
freein the niggers and bringin uv em North, and
elevatin uv em a inch or 2, so ez to git em over
Dimekrats?
Do yoo bleeve that at Oberlin they feed nigger
students on oysters and briled porter-house steak,
and the whites on hash?
Do yoo bleeve there air 800,000 niggers in the
North now, and that the guvment intends 2 hev
em all vote this fall?
Air yoo willin 2 taik up arms agin this elevashen
uv the nigger?
-- 221 --
[figure description] Page 221.[end figure description]
Will yoo solumly plej yoorself 2 vote the Dimekratik
tickit without a skratch, and to rally
promptly to the killin uv Provo Marshels?
The candidait, uv coarse, ansers all these quesshuns
in the affirmative, after wich sum wun is
huntid up who kin rite his naim, to wich he maiks
his mark, and he 's inishatid.
My sosiety is pekoolyerly adaptid to the party,
coz it 's strong uv nigger, wich all uv em kin understand.
I never knowd a ginooine Suthern-rite
Dimekrat that dident consider the free Afrekin a
disgustin obgek, and who ain't continooally strivin
2 maik himself bleeve that sumboddy's lower
down than himself. Hents their anxiety to own a
nigger, and wher that ain't permitted, their onquenchable
desire to kill wun.
My ijee is never to lose holt uv the nigger. He
maiks us cheep cappytle, and is alluz reddy 2
hand.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 222 -- p631-221
LXII. INDORSES THE NOMINATION.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
September the 1st, 1864.
[figure description] Page 222.[end figure description]
Glory! Micklellan, the nashun's pride, is nominatid!
Bein a orthodox Dimekrat, the nominashen
soots me! Nominashens alluz soots orthodox
Dimekrats! In 30 years' experience, I never
knew a nominashen that dident.
Me and my Church wuz for peese. We wuz for
Suthern rites. We wuz opposed to drafts, and
had purchast revolvers. Ther4 the incomparible
Micklellan wuz not our fust choice. The fact is,
the grate George wuz a war man wunst, and wuz
the original inventor uv drafts, wich don 't make
him ez acceptable to us ez he mite be. But ther 's
a excoose for him. The Dimokrasy must bare in
mind that the unforchnit man hed sunk sum
85,000 Ablishnists sumwher about Richmond, and
ez he knew uv the prejoodis existin agin volunteerin
under him, he insistid on hevin uv em brot
in by draft. It was all dun for the benefit uv the
Dimokrasy, becoz: The Dimekrats drafted wood
resist or run to Kanady—the Ablishnists wood
-- 223 --
[figure description] Page 223.[end figure description]
go, and, halleloogy! but few uv em wood ever
return.
On receet uv the news I immejitly called my
flock together, announst it to em, and giv em the
follerin breef biographical sketch uv our candidate,
ez follows:
George B. Micklellan wus born uv rich but honist
parence, sumwher, in the yeer 18—. (I luv
accoorasy.) The nationality uv his parence I am
not shoor uv, but from the fact that all the bitter
old Kno-Nothins is a supportin him, I shood think
he wuz uv Irish extraction. His great pint was
promptnis and decision uv karicter, and these
quality displayed itself at a erly period. It is on
rekord in the arkives uv the family, that he cried
immejitly after he wuz borned, and commenst
nursin within a hour. He wuz remarkable at
skool for the same quality. No sooner did the
clock strike noon, than young George wood
promptly leeve the house. The fucher general
wuz foreshaddered in the skill with wich he robbed
melon patches. He made reglar approaches,
wich were skillful, but his retreets wuz magnifisent.
He cood change his base bootiful—shiftin
from melon patchis to orchards with neetnis and
dispatch. Another peekooliarity uv young George
shows how troo is the sayin, that “The child is
-- 224 --
[figure description] Page 224.[end figure description]
father uv the man.” Wile George cood alluz very
elaboritly stratejise hisself int2 a melon patch or
orchard, he never stratejised hisself out with any
melons or apples.
He wuz edikatid at West Pint, and wuz finally
made President uv the Ohio and Mississippy Rale-rode.
Here his decishun agin showd itself. He
conseeved the bold ijee uv gravelin the road, wun
mornin, at 31 minutes past 11. Wun yeer frum
that time he announst to the Drektors that 17 labrers
and an ekal number uv wheelbarrers hed bin
prokoored, and he wuz bizzy, at that time, perfectin
a plan for organizin uv em. 2 months after
he announst his plan perfected, and that operations
hed commenst on a gravel-pit. 4 days uv
brilyantly successful work follered, wen he announst
that he wuz obleegd to suspend operations,
that 5 wheelbarrers wuz broke, and 7 labrers hed
the diarrear. He wood reorganize promptly, and
proceed. Reorganizin this forse, and perfectin a
new plan uv approach, only okepied 8 months,
and the work wood hev bin commenst by this
time, had not the war broke out. The pay uv
the Fedral Guvment bein larger and more surer
than the Confedrasy, he relinquisht ralerodin and
entered the Fedral serviss.
His military career is knowd by all on us.
-- 225 --
[figure description] Page 225.[end figure description]
Suffice it 2 say, that no general wuz ever so beluvd
South, and so hated North, wich wuz wat
prokoord his nominashen.
Sich, my brethrin, is our candidate. Let us
all sink our prejoodisis, and elect him. The platform
on wich he stands I endorse with my whole
hart. I hevent read it yet, but it must be good,
for Vallandigum made it. The post-orfises, the
treasury, for wich we hev bin waitin 4 long,
dreery yeres, is within our reech. Let us, my
brethrin, go in and win. The cheerin for me will
now commense.
A collekshun wuz taken up to defray expensis
uv the campane. $8 wuz reelizd, wich wuz paid
over to me. I shel probably appere on the stump
in a new pair uv pants.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 226 -- p631-225
LXIII. THE CANDIDATES AND PLATFORM.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
September the 8th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 226.[end figure description]
The nominashens uv the Shecago Convenshun
is made, and altho they do n't soot me, I shall
support em. Post-orfises can't be attained by us,
thro Linkin—Micklellan is the way, and as a
Dimekratik profit I remark, “Walk ye in it.”
But I 'm hevin a time with my flock. Ther 's
more uv a diversity uv opinion than ever I saw
among Dimekrats afore, and I 'm afeered that my
jigantik intellek ain't hefty enuff to reconsile the
diffrenses. I called a meetin last nite, in the
hopes uv settlin matters and restorin harmony.
I took the cheer, and made a few elokent remarks.
Brothers Siples, Spot, Hopp, and Gamp,
who hev faith to bleeve they 'll respectivly hold
the orfises uv assessor, collekter, postmaster, and
provo marshel, on the strength uv remarks I made
to em, wer enthoozyastik for Micklellan. They
bleevd him to be the Dimekratik Messiah, razd
up expressly to save the instooshn. They shood
give him a harty, corjel support.
-- 227 --
[figure description] Page 227.[end figure description]
Brother Punt, who boards me on tick, and who
furnishes me likker on the same terms, wich is ez
good ez I cood wish, and who expex payment wen
I git a orfis, wuz enthoozyastiker for Micklellan
than any uv us. He wuz supprizd at the apathy
that pervaled, wen so much wuz at stake. He
perpozd 3 cheers for Micklellan. Brothers Siples,
Spot, Gamp, Hopp, Punt, and myself cheerd with
the wildest enthoozyasm.
At this pint Brother Guttle ariz. He hed
heerd nonsents enuff. He wuz under 45, and wuz
able-boddid. Consekently he jined the Sons uv
Liberty, and bot a revolver, and had his rifle fixt.
Wat wuz 2 be dun with them tools? Wuz he to
hev no oppertoonity to yoose em? Wat he wantid
to know, wuz Micklellan peese or war? Ef he
wuz peese, all rite. He 'd as soon shoot provo
marshels under his banner, ez eny body's, but
bein a peese man, he must shoot sumboddy. He
hed a neighbor read the platform to him day before
yisterday. He must say he wuz dizgusted.
We are peese. We bleeve in State rites, in immejit
recognishun uv Suthern independense, and
wuz opposed to coershun. To all uv wich he hed
sworn. He did n't go much on oaths, but wen a
oath sootid him he 'd keep it. Why did n't the
convenshun say peese? Ef he hed got to be
-- 228 --
[figure description] Page 228.[end figure description]
dragd in2 the army like a peese lamb to the slawter,
he 'd ez soon let Linkin drag him ez Micklellan.
It wuz the draggin in2 the feeld that he
obgektid 2—not the man who draggd him. He
wantid to know, he did.
I replied 2 this misguidid man. I assoomd
that magestic, lofty, penetratin gase, wich only 2
men in Ameriky possest—me and D. Webster. I
told him that obejense wuz the fust principple uv
Dimokrasy. The convenshun—OUR convenshun,
hed nominatid—all we hed to do wuz 2 vote. Ef
the convenshun hed saw fit to nominate a war
man, on a war platform, it wood hev bin our
dooty 2 hev votid it; but the convenshun wuz not
hard on us. It accommodated us all. Air yoo a
War Dimekrat? Was n't Micklellan a gineral?
Is n't he the inventer uv drafts? Did n't he arrest
the Maryland Lejislacher? Air yoo a peese
man? Did n't the magestik Micklellan endorse
Gudge Woodward? Did n't he take the nominashen
at the hands uv Vallandigum? Air yoo a
Suthern man? Ask any Suthern gineral who
he 'd ruther see at the hed uv our armies, and
he 'd anser, in thunder tones, Micklellan! Then
the platform. Is ther any thing in it agin war?
Is ther any thing in it agin peese? It is a accommodatin
platform, halleloogy! Brother Hopp,
-- 229 --
[figure description] Page 229.[end figure description]
who is a thirstin after human gore, can slake his
thirst at this fountin. To Brother Guttle, who
wuz a peese man, this platform wuz the whitewinged
angel herself. I hev n't eggsamined it
critikally, but I hev n't the slightest dout that the
doctrine uv four ordinashen, or totle depravity, or
elekshun, or free-grace, kin be proved from it concloosively.
It 's a broad platform. Ther wuz room on it
for Fernandywood and Sam Cox, for Vallandigum
and Seemore—the pyramid built on sed platform
has room on the apex for Micklellan with his gory
sword, and Pendleton with his olive-branch, halleloogy!
Brother Guttle wuz reprimanded. I hev n't
any dout that my Church will be a unit in support
uv the nominashens. Ef we cood stop the
runnin 2 Canady in consekens uv the draft, I hev
no dout we wood hev our yoosual majority.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 230 -- p631-229
LXIV. WAILETH MUCHLY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
September the 15th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 230.[end figure description]
The follerin sam uv hoomiliashen and agony
will be chantid in every Church in my dioceese, all
day, evry Sundy, until the Confedrits win a victry:
A DOUBLE-BARRELD WALE!—A CRY UV ANGISH!
In the valley and shadder sit we!
Job hed biles, but he scraped hisself with a
oyster-shell!
Naman wuz a leper, but he doved into the Jordan,
and cum out ez good ez new!
Sampson hed his hair shingled and wuz week
as waterd whisky, but it growd agin, and he busted
his enemies!
We hev biles and are rotten with em, but
where 's the comfortin oyster-shell?
We hev leprussy, but where 's the Jordan to
jump into?
Our hair is short, and thar's whar our enemies
hev got us, but whar 's the restorative to make it
grow agin?
-- 231 --
[figure description] Page 231.[end figure description]
Job, and Naman, and Sampson, altogether,
wuz n't as bad off ez we is.
We kin throw in Lazzyrus with his sores, and
the dorgs a lickin uv em, and then give em 50 in
a 100 and beat em.
For we nominatid Micklellan and Pendleton, at
Shecago, and wun is a war man and tother is a
peese man.
The ox and the ass is yoked—their heads and
tails together.
And the teem is pullin viggerusly, but instid
uv goin forerd, it 's goin round and round.
Wale! O my peeple, for the ticket wuz n't war
enuff, and Cass hez bolted!
Gnash yer teeth! O ye saints, for the tickit
wuz n't peese enuff, and Vallandigum hez bolted!
We tried 2 ride two hosses, goin in 2 diffrent
direckshuns, and we fell to the ground.
And both hosses turned on us and kicked us.
And Micklellan hez no chance—he won't hev
the givin uv the post-offises. Wah!*
And Sherman took Atlanta, and chawd up
Hood! Wah!
And Lee wants the Weldon road, but he can't
git it. Wah!
-- 232 --
[figure description] Page 232.[end figure description]
And Gov. Morton took the revolvers from the
peece men uv Injeany. Wah!
And the draft won't be resisted, and the provo
marshels will hev whole skins. Wah!
Wale! For Maine and Vermont, wich wuz
tired uv the war, and wuz a goin for Micklellan,
hev voted Ablishn with a loosenis.
Wale! For our rulers oppress us. They let
their men vote in the army, but won't let our
men vote in Canady! Wah!
Wale! For the Ablishnists shel hold the orfises,
and we shel be numbered among the outs! Wah!
Wale! For in the fucher I see no way uv livin
but by work!
Why wuz I born in2 sich a world! Why wuz
whisky created, ef yoo can't git it without a price?
Why wuz orfisis establisht, ef them can't git em
ez wants em the most?
Micklellan buried his thousands in the swamps
uv the Chickahominy—he hath buried his tens of
thousands under the platform he kicked over!
The Ablishnists jeer us, and flout us; they wag
their heds at us, sayin, “Go up, bald hed!”
And we hev gone up!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
eaf631n1* In korius—all 2gether.
-- 233 -- p631-232
LXV. DESPONDENT.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
September the 23d, 1864.
[figure description] Page 233.[end figure description]
I am trubbled, and my soul is bustin with greef.
The irrepressible conflict is onto us; it hez bin
transferd from the Ablishnists 2 us, and it 's burnin
among us like the onquenchable fire. And wuss;
we do n't know how to remedy the evil, coz we 're
in a state uv onsartinty—we do n't know how nor
where we 're lame.
When we got Micklellan nominated, I to wunst
exclaimed, “Halleloogy!” Here wuz fatniss!
Here wuz a candidate upon whom the entire
party cood yoonite. Ef a Dimokrat wuz rather
inclined to human gore, we cood pint triumfantly
to the fact uv his hevin bin a general. To a
peece man we cood say “Pendleton,” and to the
Suthern sympathizer, uv whom we hev much, we
cood prove that George B. never did the Suthern
army wun-tenth the damage he did the Northern,
and wuz ez eezy on em ez he cood be under the
serkumstancis, and we put him on a platform
that wood prove all uv them posishens. A
-- 234 --
[figure description] Page 234.[end figure description]
candidate uv sich stretchibility, on a platform so accommodatin,
methought ought to please everybody;
but sumhow it did n't. Peese men won't
go it, becoz it ain't peese enuff; war men won't
go it, becoz it ain't war enuff; and the Suthern
men won't go it, becoz it do n't recognize Suthern
independence. Hentz, all that is supportin Micklellan
is them uv our peeple who wants orfis—
whose principples is salary and perquisites.
The grate Vallandigum kicked out uv the
traces, and telegrapht “All is lost!” Alas! how
troo! All is indeed lost! Atlanta is gone, Mobeel
is goin, and Richmond is follerin soot. Davis
and Lee, in ther extremity, hold out ther
hands implorinly to the North, and wat response
do they git? Nary. We air powerlis. Provo
marshels kin arrest deserters at ther will, the
draft will be enforst, and Linkin will be electid.
Troo, all is lost! The Suthern coz is lost, the
post-orfises is lost, the doggerys is lost!
I shel emigrate to Canady. There the Dimokrasy
are in the majority—there, in that cold, inhospitable
clime we kin reorganize the party. It
will soot us better. It 's colder there than here,
and the system requires a greater quantity uv
stimulatin flooids. The niggers we will enslave,
and there will we build up a goverment based
-- 235 -- p631-234
[figure description] Page 235.[end figure description]
upon the ijee uv the sooperiority uv the Anglo-Sacksun
race. “The stun wich the bilders rejected,”
et settry. In Canady will we find that
peese wich is denied us here.
Mournfly,
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
LXVI. LAMENTETH.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
October the 14th, 1864.
I 've cum 2 a conclooshen. I 'm satisfide that
Pennsilwany, Ohio, and Injeany hev gone for
Ablishn. I seed it in a daily paper. Therefore,
I direct that every church in my dyoceese be
draped in mournin, (the same we used when we
heerd uv Atlanta will anser,) and that the follerin
sam uv angish be chantid at every servis, until we
git the returns from Noo Gersey.
Ohio! Pensilwany! Injeany!
Pennsilwany is cussid, Ohio is cusseder, but Injeany
is cussidest.
-- 236 --
[figure description] Page 236.[end figure description]
Weep, O my people, for lo! the hind sites is
knoct off us!
Gnash yer teeth, for the staits we counted on
the most hev gone the wust agin us.
Tare yer hair, for Voorhees is beet.
Throw ashes on yer hed, for little sam cox is
gone up.
Array yerself in shoddy, for we 're all gone up.
Ef sich is dun in the green tree, wat will it be
in the dry.
I am a fountain uv lamentations—they run
from me ez doth the water from the springs.
Can we look 2 the South for comfort? Nay,
verily.
For Atlanta is gone, and Lee rageth in vain,
and Early is chawd up eggreejusly.
And Linkin, and Grant, and Sherman, and Sheridan
are laffin with much laffter—they feel good.
But their mirth is our wo, their meat is our
pizen.
Can we look to the North? Not any; for that is
a Sahara Desert uv Ablishnism, with nary a oasis.
Wher is the post-offisis? Wher is the collekterships,
and wher the tother places uv profit?
They are not for us.
To the East we stretch our hands, and Maine
ansers, “'ror for Linkin!”
-- 237 --
[figure description] Page 237.[end figure description]
To the West we turn, and Injeany pops it to
us to the tune uv 30,000.
We bot revolvers in that Stait, and lo! we
committid sooicide with em.
We are a dove, a peece dove, shoved out uv the
political ark.
And the deluge uv Ablishnism rageth wildly,
and shows no sign uv subsidin.
And we air weery, but kin find no place to rest
our foot.
Bestir thyself, O Lee! if yoo wood save us in
November.
On yoo we bet our pile; yoo are our anker and
our cheefest trust.
We preech in vane that the war is a faleyoor,
while yoo air bein whipped once or twice per day.
Be valiant, for gold is goin down, and goods is
goin with it, and the Ablishnists laff and the peeple
is content.
Whale Grant jist wunst, and give us wun more
chanse.
Lift us out uv the pit in2 wich we hev fallen—
giv us solid ground to stand on.
Then will our wailins be turned to joy, and our
lamentations to songs uv gladnis.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 238 -- p631-237
LXVII. THE PLANTER'S LAMENT.
[figure description] Page 238.[end figure description]
Wich wuz written by me, to the toon uv “I wish I wuz a Angel,” wich, since
the eleckshun, I trooly wish I wuz.
O, wunst I wuz a planter,
A reglar F. F. V.;
I owned five hundred niggers,
Whose work supportid me.
O, dident I hump them niggers,
And make their sweatin pay?
I cat-o-nined the lazy,
And worked em night and day.
I had a gorjus carriage,
Four hosses fleet ez wind,
A fat nig on for driver,
Two footmen on behind;
The hangins they wuz damask,
The trimmins rare and rich,
Jest ez they do in Europe,
Wher they hev lords and sich.
I went to Saratogy
With flunkies in my train,
I spent my cash by thousands,
And when at home again,
-- 239 --
[figure description] Page 239.[end figure description]
To make up the expenses,
I 'd sell off nigs a skore,
And to keep up the labor
I worked the rest the more.
Uv coarse, I went to Congris,
Ez all the Lash-lords do;
I spent my nites at poker,
At seven-up and loo.
We bullied dough-faced Yankees,
And made em bow the knee,
Ez umble ez our niggers,
Before the chivalree.
At home we huntid niggers,
With dorgs and ketchers skilled;
Up North Bookannon's marshels
The blood-hounds places filled;
Our sins, no odds how black they wuz,
Did never trubble us,
Our Northren friends wood sholder em,
And take, themselves, the cuss.
But all them days is past and gone;
The Yank, at last, hez riz;
He won't acknollij enny more
That we his master is.
My munny Jeff'son D. hez got,
My niggers, drest in bloo,
Air a fitin us ez owned em,
And a whippin uv us too.
-- 240 -- p631-239
[figure description] Page 240.[end figure description]
O wat week worms we mortals is,
Who never is content;
We hed a good thing, but 2 git
A better, let it went.
We hed the bone, but let it go,
To grab a glitt'ring shadder;
We 've lost em both, and since hev gone
From mity bad to badder.
LXVIII. HAS A DREAM.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
October the 21st, 1864.
I am no bleever in gosts or dreems, or sich, nor
never wuz. Ef the tyrant Linkin, (wich is a
ape,) shood draft me, and I shood be dragged to
the tentid feeld, a unwillin marter, I know I shood
much prefer meetin the gost uv a rebel soljer,
wich is a shadder, than 2 enkounter wun in the
flesh, with a muskit and baynet, wich is no shadder.
Dreems is likewise unsubstanshel, and result,
9 cases out uv 10, frum aboose uv the stumick. I
dreem but seldom, and wen I do, I alluz attribit
it 2 eatin a pound or two more sassij, or drinkin
a quart or two more whisky, than I reely need,
late at nite; and I never bleevd they wuz
-- 241 --
[figure description] Page 241.[end figure description]
prophetik, becoz I don't allow that the seat uv prophesy
is located in the stumick. These is my theory
uv gosts, dreems, and sich.
I hed a dreem last nite, wich left a impreshn on
my mind. I hed bin preparin a sermon, provin
that “Servants, obey yoor masters,” justified the
ketchin uv niggers with dorgs, wen I fell asleep
and dreemed. Methawt I wuz dead, and hed laid
in that stait 200 yeers, and hed awoken, and found
myself agin on earth. I saw nothin pekoolyer.
There wuz more ralerodes, and more skool-houses,
and in2 wun uv the latter I went.
The skool-marm wuz eggsaminin a class uv
youngsters in histry.
“Who wuz the greatist and goodest men the
Yoonitid Staits ever prodoost?”
“George Washington and Aberham Linkin.”
“What did they do?”
“Washington foundid the government, and Linkin
preservd it.”
“Who wuz the wust men the country prodoost?”
A little gurl anserd:
“Joodath Ithcariot, Benedict Arnold, Jeff Davith
and Vallandigum.”
“Yoo air wrong, my child,” retortid the skool-marm.
“Judas lived in another country, and be4
-- 242 --
[figure description] Page 242.[end figure description]
the others. They were so simler, however, that
the errer is excoosible. What did Arnold, and
Davis, and Vallandigum do?”
“Arnold betrayed his country, and took up arms
agin it; Davis rebelled agin his government, and
Vallandigum helped him all he cood without gettin
hisself into danger.”
“What names were given them ez opposed the
government, in '76 and '61?”
“Tories and Copperheds.”
“Which wuz the wust, the Tories or Copperheds?”
“That pint hez bin much discust, but no konkloosion
hez ever bin arriv at.”
“How menny times wuz Linkin electid President?”
“Two.”
“Had he enny opposition for the sekkund
term?”
“Nun 2 speek uv. The rebels and Copperheds
run a disgracd soljer, whose name sum historyans
giv ez Mickfadden, uthers ez Micknellan, and
uthers ez Micklellan; but ez he reseevd no votes
in the elektoral collij, the eleckshun wuz considderd
unanimus. The Copperhed candidate sunk
in2 obskoority after the war, and he wuz forgotten,
wich wuz lucky for his children.”
-- 243 --
[figure description] Page 243.[end figure description]
I notist about haff the childern hed on bloo
ribbin; one-fourth wuz drest ordinary, and the
balence hed a white rag pinned to ther bax. I
asked the skool-marm wat this indikatid. She
askt me ef I wuz a furriner; to wich I anserd, I
wuz, a furrin prince in disgise, on a tower uv observashen.
She replied:
“Them ez hez bloo ribbins is the descendants
uv the soljers uv the grate rebellion; them with
no dekorations is desendid frum loyal men who
wuz not soljers; and them poor things who hev
the white rag, [she bustid in2 teers and wept perfoosely,
] are the unforchnit desendance uv—Copperheds!”
I visitid a court-house. The case they wuz
tryin wuz slander. One man hed asserted that the
great-great-grandfather uv another, who wuz a
opposin candidate for Gustis uv the Peese, hed
bin a Copperhed. Plaintiff brot into court a old
paper printed in 1864, wich showd that sed ancester
wuz on a Linkin sentrel komity. Goory
brot in a verdick uv $10,000 for plaintiff.
I awoke frum this dreem in a cold swet. “Is
it possible,” thot I, “that posterity will so regard
us?” and for a minnit I wuz almost persuadid to
be a Christian. But I thot uv the post-offisis, and
sed 2 myself, “What is posterity to a ded man?
-- 244 -- p631-243
[figure description] Page 244.[end figure description]
Let me hev offis, and the menes uv keepin my
skin full uv whisky without work, and posterity
may think wot it pleezis.” And I resoomed laber
on my sermon.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
LXIX. LOSES A FRIEND, AND WRITES HIS OBITUARY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
October the 28th, 1864.
A piller hez fallen! Last nite, at 10 o'clock
and 67 minits P. M., Issaker Punt, a dekun uv
my Church, and the heftiest piller in the instooshn,
in fact the only one who pade his qwarterige regler,
departid this life.
Brother Punt wuz born a Dimekrat; he reseeved
the faith by inheritance, as his father wuz
one afore him. And that faith he kept. He mite
hev bin sedoost in2 the by and ferbidden paths
uv Whiggery and Ablishnism, and sich, but knoin
the frailty uv human nacher, he persistently refoozd
to learn 2 reed, and thus made himself
sekoor from the wiles uv unscroopulus politishns.
It wuz a butiful trate in his karikter that he
-- 245 --
[figure description] Page 245.[end figure description]
wood never vote a tikkit that he did not git frum
the hands uv a sentral committee-man!
Brother Punt commenst his polittikle life a
votin for Androo Jaxn, when he wuz but 18 years
old. The rigid moralist may obgect to this act, ez
illegle. It wuz obgectid 2 at the time, and the
youthful hero wuz arrestid and impriznd, and he
wood hev remaned in prizn two yeers, hed he not
bin pardoned out by a Dimekratik guvner, jest
afore the next elekshun. We next find him battlin
for Dimokrasy in the person uv Martin Van
Booren. At that elekshun he votid twice, and
drunk 172 times. Ez he repeetedly remarkt 2
me, that day wuz a tryin one. The first hundred
drinks wuz nateral—the balens wuz excess; but
he hed pledgd his township for a certain magority,
the candidates hed given him the munny 2
treet with, and he wuz determined 2 do it ef it
cost him a attack uv delirium treemens. He
wuz alluz reddy 2 sacrifice his bowils for the
coz.
He manijd to survive Harrison's elekshun, and
wuz activ in prookoorin Poke's triumph. He
mourned doorin Fillmore's rane, and rejoist with
eckseedin grate joy doorin Peerse and Bookannon's.
In 1860 he did n't vote for nobody. He knode
-- 246 --
[figure description] Page 246.[end figure description]
Duglis wuz a Dimekrat, and so wuz Breckenrij.
He attendid meetins uv both factions, and hoorayd
viggerusly for both, but, unforchnitly, the committy
who hed furnisht him tikkits for yeers wuz
divided—one-haff for Duglis and tother for Breckinrij.
He coodent deside wich wuz the reel Dimekratik
tikkit, and so, on elekshun day, he went 2
the poles, and went thro the moshuns uv votin
with a peese uv blank paper.
But he hed no doubts ez to opposin Linkin—he
knode he wuz no Dimekrat, for both committy-men
told him so. O, with what goy he heerd the
nooze uv the firin on Fort Sumter! With what
eckstasy he heerd uv Bull Run! No man in the
North exhibbitid more ability in swarin at Linkin—
no one cood retail 2 better advantage the
lies the sentrel committy desidid to serkelait.
Brother Punt growd low-sperited at the battle
uv Stone River, and kept failin ez Linkin's dorgs
advanst. He britened up a little wen Forist
killed the niggers at Fort Piller; but Sheridan
and the Injeany eleckshuns prostratid him feerfully,
and he becum so redoost that his likker hed
2 be fed 2 him with a spoon.
Brother Punt wuz a consistent member uv the
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. Before jinin
my flock, it wuz his boast that he hed never bin
-- 247 --
[figure description] Page 247.[end figure description]
inside a meetin-house. There4 he rejoist at the
oppertoonity uv heerin a pure gospil, in2 wich, ef
the nigger wuz interdoost at all, he wuz put in
and held up hand-cufft, wich is alluz refreshin to
the troo Dimekratik mind. He despisd Ablishn
preechin.
Brother Punt's Dimokrasy wuz uv a broad,
comprehensive karicter. He follered the party.
Opposed to Stait's rites and secession under Jaxn,
he wuz in favor uv both in 1864. Opposed to
slaivry-extension in '48, he favord it in '60, and
so on. The immejit coz uv his deth wuz this
tyrannikle Administrashen. Whisky hed got so
high that he wuz forst 2 diloot it, and at his age
he coodent stan it. He died uv water on the
stumic.
I wuz with him in his last momence. His
mind wandered, and he talked uv goin wher he 'd
finelly hev a post-orfis. The docter, who wuz a
Ablishnist, unfeelinly remarkt, that ef ther wuz
mails in the country he wuz goin 2, it wood be
nessary to hev fire-proof mail-bags. Like all
other grate men, he hed his last words (no member
uv my flock shel die without hevin last
words, so long ez I kin write)—I writ em yisterdy.
They wuz: “Hev we carried Pennsylwany?—
my coppers is burnt out!—put on my
-- 248 -- p631-247
[figure description] Page 248.[end figure description]
tomb-stun, “He voted erly and often, and never
skratched a tikkit.”
Ez winter is approachin, and I need a new soot
uv klose, I hev determined to call upon the brethren
for funds to erect a sootable monument to the
memory uv this sterlin Dimekrat. Sums uv 10
sents (wich, sence Vallandigum's speckelashun, is
the orthodox Dimekratik contribushen,) for this
purpus, may be sent 2 me, with the asshoorence
that it will be faithfully used.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
LXX. ISSUES AN “APPELE. ”
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
October the 31st, 1864.
Fello Dimekrats uv the Yoonited Staits:
I address yoo! Not speshally in the bowils uv
luv, but from the bowils uv necessity; and from
them bowils alluz cums the most agonizin cries.
Next Toosday is the eventful day wich desides
whether the post-orfises is to remane another four
yeers in the hands uv the Ablishnists, or whether
-- 249 --
[figure description] Page 249.[end figure description]
we, who are literally hungrin and thirstin for em,
shel hev em.
I appele not only 2 the Dimokrasy, but 2 the
people. We hev hed 4 yeers uv onpleasantnis—
2 uv wich, after the grate Micklellan wuz dismist
by a corrupt administrashen wuz actooal war.
Wat hez bin the result?
We hev overrun over the half uv the Dimekratic
Staits.
We hev slawterd untold thousens uv good Dimekrats,
who 'll never rally 2 the poles agin.
We hev made it necessary for our Suthern brethren
2 run up a debt wich they kin never pay.
We hev bombardid their cities and burned
their houses.
We hev stole their niggers and made em fite
their masters, wich is unscriptooral.
A vote for the ape Linkin is a vote to continue
all this, until the South lies helpless at his feet,
shorn uv her niggers and Dimokrasy, wich is synonimus
terms.
A vote for Micklellan is altogether another
thing. It is a vote for a armistis—a cessashen
uv hostilitis until we kin find out what the South
want, and also whether the people is in a frame
uv mind for givin. Ef they ain't, then the war
will be continued, but in such a gentle and
-- 250 --
[figure description] Page 250.[end figure description]
brotherly stile, that we will soon be willin to kum 2
sech terms ez they desire.
O, my brethrin, imagin us back under the wing
uv the Democratic Staits, with Davis and Toombs
and Stephens back in the Senit, a releevin uv us
uv all the trubble uv guverment, and a throwin
2 us sech offisis ez they do n't want 2 fill, with a
prodygal hand! O the delites uv them picter!
It may be realised.
I give the follerin few plane rools to be follered
by our workin committis:
1. Do n't argue, unless yoo kin git holt uv a
Ablishnist who can't reed, and then be sure yoo
git him out uv the way, wher no uther Ablishnists
kin heer what yoo say 2 him.
2. Hev yoor knockin down committis on hand
early, and be sure they are joodishus men, who
will keep sober enuff 2 know who 2 hit.
3. Ef yoo hev a recent convert frum Ablishnism
in hand, keep him drunk by all means, no
matter wat the whisky costs. Ef he is allowd to
git sober, he 'll be very apt to go agin us.
4. Git the fraudulent votes all in, early in the
mornin, be4 too menny uv the enemy are on hand
2 be easily whaled.
This is our last chance. Ef we fail on Micklellan,
we 're gone in for want uv leeders. They
-- 251 --
[figure description] Page 251.[end figure description]
must hev offis, for they can't live on credit forever.
Rally, then, to the poles! Remember the
drafts and the taxes, and rally! The opposishen
tell us that we will be draftid and taxt, the
same under Micklellan as under Linkin. It is
probbyble; but O, my friends, can't yoo see how
much better it is, that yoo shood be draftid and
taxt for the benefit uv yer frends, than for the
benefit uv yer enemies! We who expect to hold
the offisis kin.
Then make wun last effort, and deserve the
success I wish we wuz shoorer uv winnin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
-- 252 -- p631-251
LXXI. HAS A DIFFICULTY WITH HIS FLOCK AND LEAVES IT.
Onto the Wing, November the 10th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 252.[end figure description]
The dy is cast! All is ore! Ef Freedom
shreekt wen Kossikusco fell, she must hev squawkt
last Toosdy nite ez she beheld the innanymait
corpse uv the Dimekratik party, which fell, crushing
Little Mack, and the hopes uv sum hundreds
uv thowsens uv good Dimekrats, who spectid to
be persuadid by ther frends in2 acceptin the various
offisis under the guvment.
I am a lost and rooined man. My peeple are
uv the troo Dimekratik stripe. They hev faith
in me. They bleeve wat I tell em. I told em
Micklellan wuz certin uv the elecshun, and that
I hed ded-wood on the disposle uv the offisis in
that seckshun. It immejitly bekum a eezy matter
to borrer munny. It wuz deliteful—wood, O
wood that it cood hev bin perpetooal. Brother
Savij lent me $50, with a request that I wood
speek a good word for him for a furrin mishn. I
assoomd a virchus look, and replide that I never
sold my inflooense, but that I alluz had a admirashen
for his massiv intellek and menny
-- 253 --
[figure description] Page 253.[end figure description]
virchoos. Brother Guttle lent me munny, wantin
this, and Brother Sludge wantin that; in breef,
evry indivijjle uv em who hed a forehed a inch
high, spectid suthin. * * *
The returns cum in. Ohio—Linkin! “Good!
'Rah!” shouts I, with grate presence uv mind.
“Why good?” anxshusly asks the expectants.
“Becoz, to carry Ohio, the Ablishnists must
hev brot votes from Noo York, wich will give us
that Stait, shoor.”
Noo York—Linkin!
“Good Lord!” ansers I, promptly; “the Noo
York Ablishnists must hev votid in Ohio, and
hev got home in time 2 vote agin. But wait for
Pennsilwany.”
Pennsilwany—Linkin!
“My frends, ther wuz fraud—Massychusits soljers,
at leest 40,000, must hev votid there. Injeana
will do it, however.”
Injeana—Linkin!
“Not less than 40,000 Massychusits soljers hev
votid there. Illinois is safe, though.”
Illinois—Linkin.
“40,000 Massychu—”
“Give me my munny!” roard Savij, and the
same remark, with variashens, wuz made by Guttle,
Sludge, and the rest uv em.
-- 254 --
[figure description] Page 254.[end figure description]
“Gently, my frends,” sed I, backin out uv the
door. “We hev bin defeetid, but the grate principple
that a white man is better than a nigger,
for wich we hev so long fought, still lives. Let
us sink all miner considrashens, and”—
The miner considerashens I referred to wuz,
however, uppermost in their minds, for they all
went for me, yellin like Cuscororious Injins, “Give
me my munny!” whereupon I retreeted 2 the
meetin-house, lockin myself in. They surroundid
it, swarin they 'd starve me out.
When a innocent boy, I red a harrowin tale
uv a Rooshn muther, who wuz persood by frantic
wolves, and who saved her own life by droppin
her children to em, wun by wun. My privit barel
uv whisky wuz in my study—I wuz saved! I
histid it out uv a winder, and calmly awaited results.
They flockt around it—they took turns
at the bung-hole. In wun short hour they wuz
stretched helpless on the plane, ded drunk. Then
and there I resined my charge, and borrerin sich
munny and watches ez the ungrateful wretches
hed about em, to make up arrears uv salary and
sich, bid adoo 2 em furever. I shell go 2 Noo
Gersy.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- --
[figure description] Illustration page.[end figure description]
-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 257 -- p631-256
LXXII. YE LAMENT OF JOSEPH BOWERS.
[figure description] Page 257.[end figure description]
My name it is Joe Bowers, and I hev a brother Ike;
We lived in ole Missouri, in the famous county Pike;
We both wuz Locofocos, my brother Ike and me,
Jest ez strong and nasty ez there lived in Missou-ree.
Now Ike and me both hed nice farms, and wuz fore-handed
like;
I hed five hundred acres, and the same hed brother Ike,
And fifty healthy niggers—men, gals, and boys—hed we,
Ez good and likely darkeys ez ther wuz in Missou-ree.
We wuz gittin rich, indeed we wuz, and doin mighty well;
Our crops we got in reg'lar—hed enuff to use and sell;
Indeed, more prosp'rous men you 'd travel fur to see,
Than me and brother Ike, in Pike County, Missou-ree.
-- 258 --
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In 1860, 'lection come—Lord, was n't ther a muss!
It stirred up all the country, and reached even down to us.
The man wot told us how to vote, come round and said that we
Must help for to make Breckinridge to carry Missou-ree.
He told us that if Linkin should our ruler be,
He 'd take our niggers from us all, and every one set free.
That, wuss than that, if we to him the power to do it gave,
Black Cuffee he 'd the master be, and Joe Bowers be the slave.
Election past, and our Breckinridge wuz cadawshusly chawd up,
For Linkin run the appinted race jest like a yaller pup;
Then the man wat told us how to vote, come round and sed
that we
Could only find our rites in the South Confed'racy.
I did n't understood it, but I histid up my hat
For Suthern rites, our system, and sech other things as that,
Attendid all the meetins held to help along the cause,
And viggerously damd old Abe and his Abolishn laws.
The war broke out, and me and Ike bled mity freely then;
I gave a thousand dollars toward a regiment of men,
And thought that if 't would keep our nigs from bein stole
away,
The money we invested wuz well spent, and sure would pay.
Well, Gin'ral Price come to our parts with his grand ar-mi-ee;
They campt on my plantation, foot, hoss, artillery.
-- 259 --
[figure description] Page 259.[end figure description]
The Gin'ral used my house, his men burnt all they could n't
steal;
Ther wuz nary rooster left to crow, nor nary pig to squeal.
The fences vanished quicker, and my barns the cusses
found
Convenient for to cook the hogs they found runnin loose
around,
Next mornin Gin'ral Price, sez he, “You 're a true Southern
son;
You 're not the man for Abolisheners to spit upon.
“Them patriots you see, Joe—
[I see em a roastin eggs in the ashes uv my fences, barns, and sich,]
—are a fitin for your sake,
We 're playin a heavy game jest now, and our niggers is
the stake,
We need your mules and hosses, Joe, and your healthy
niggers, too—
You may keep all the old ones—for our uses they won't do.
“Sech money ez you hev, Joe, we 'll borrer, for you know
Onless we hev the spelter, all our efforts is no go.”
-- 260 --
[figure description] Page 260.[end figure description]
And noticing a rope noose that they 'd rigged up to a tree,
(Wich is a Missouri hint, used extensively to inspire confidence in Confederit money,)
We willin give em what they askt, did brother Ike and me.
They took my hosses and my mules, and ev'ry nig I hed,
'Cept two small babies and a old one that wuz nearly dead,
Six hundred dollars in good gold—they left me nary cent,
Then settin fire to my house—
[To prevent the enemy from occupyin it,]
—this band of patriots went.
-- 261 --
A workin on the levee, in Cincinnati-ee
Is not quite bein a planter in Pike County, Missou-ree,
Joe Bowers wanted Suthern rites; he got em all, and he
Thinks he could live without em, if he wuz back in Missou-ree.
[figure description] Page 261.[end figure description]
EPITAFF—THE PINT TO WHICH IS OBVIOUS,
Wich I wish inscribed on my tomb-stone, if my Administrator kin sell
my land for enuff to buy one:
“HERE LIES JOE BOWERS.
HE WUZ WELL. HE WOULD BE BETTER. HE TOOK MEDICINE.
AND HERE HE IS.”
-- 262 -- p631-261
LXXIII. TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, }
November the 14th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 262.[end figure description]
Retrospex is profitable. By castin a prophetic
eye backards, a massive intellek kin dissern errors
wich hev bin made, and kin dodge em in the
dim and misty fucher.
The old Dimokrasy was wopt in the larst campane,
solely and entirely becoz uv its own stoopidity
and cowardis. I say it boldly. We did n't
bleeve in the war—we wuz opposed to it in the
beginnin; we wantid the guvment revolooshnizd
to keep Noo Ingland, wich is spredin herself all
over the West, frum submergin the entire Dimekratik
party. Our bark wuz on the sea—slaivry
wuz its anker, its jib-boom, its rite forrerd mast,
its bow-sperit, its keel, its all. Slaivry wuz our
best and only holt. The Suthners wantid controle
uv the nashen, that they mite yoose the
sed nashen for the excloosive benefit uv slaivry.
Werry good. They held all the big orfisis for
them purpus; but, thank Hevin, the slaveholders
coodent hold all the orfisis! Ther was n't enuff
-- 263 --
[figure description] Page 263.[end figure description]
uv em, halleloogy! They could n't come up North
and hold the post-orfisis, glory! O them good ole
times! They wuz libral and eezy to pleeze. They
allowed us 2 hev a President occasionally, ef we
presentid a man who cood give bonds to em 2
perform ez they desired. Peerse wuz wun uv
this kind, and Bookannon wuz another, and the
larst. Ther labor wuz complikatid and severe.
Peerse hed to establish the immaculate consepshun
uv Popler Suvrinty, against all Dimekratik
presedent, and poor ole Bookannon wuz forced 2
strangle the noo-born baby, and give birth 2 the
Lecompton bill, wich wuz a severe operashen for
wun so old and frale.
Noo Ingland rebeld, and elektid Linkin. The
South appeled 2 arms. Then wuz our golden opportoonity.
We shood hev took up arms, druv
the yooserper frum his seet, and installd in his
place a sound, conservativ, constooshnel Dimekrat.
Uv coorse, the Ablishnists wood hev resistid.
Ah! I shood want em to. Doth the majestik
eegle appeze his royal appetight on bare
bones? He dothent. The fat and joosy karkis
is wat his hart desires. O how I wood hev liked
to hev led a regiment uv sich braves ez them
frends uv the lait Governor Seemer, who killed
the niggers in Noo York, last yeer, thro the rich
-- 264 --
[figure description] Page 264.[end figure description]
towns uv Massychusitts! Wher the karkis is,
ther the buzzerds will be also.
We did n't do this. What wuz the next best
thing? Cleerly 2 elect ez President a Dimekrat
who hed Dimokrasy enuff to turn the guvment
over to its legitimit owners ez soon ez he got it.
A uncondishnel peese man wuz wat we wantid,
and on a uncondishnel peese platform. We hed
hed 3 yeers uv war, uv taxis, uv drafts, and a
whalin draft wuz a hangin over us at the time.
We wuz shoor uv 6 classis, to-wit, viz:
The Dimekrat proper, who got his pollytix by
inheritanse.
The casheerd army orfisers, dismist becoz they
disapproved uv the manner in wich the war wuz
bein conduktid.
The gentlemanly contracters, who hed furnisht
hoss-beef and shoddy cloth 2 the soljers, and hed
bin caught at it.
The cowardly cusses, who wuz afeerd uv drafts.
The cappytalists, who hed investid in Confedrit
bonds.
The miserly cusses, who groaned at taxes.
Heer wuz a array—a phalanks that coodent be
broken; for wen a man is mean from interest, argument
won't tetch him. It 's shootin paper wads
aginst a iron-clad. Yoo mite ez well whisper
-- 265 --
[figure description] Page 265.[end figure description]
Gray's Elegy in2 the ear uv a ded guvment mule,
wich is sed 2 be the dedest thing on earth.
But Micklellan wuz nominated. O, wat stoopidity!
It wuz dun 2 ketch the War Dimekrats,
they sed. The War Dimekrats lifted up the
General's kote-tale and found Pendleton there,
and they skatterd. The anti-draft and anti-tax
Ablishnists thought they 'd ruther be taxt and
draftid and taxt by Linkin, who hed alluz drawd
it mild, than by Micklellan. The soljers remembered
Chickahominy swamps. The shoddy theeves
knowd they 'd stand no chance agin sech expert
practishners ez the Woods, and Toucey, and sich,
and so we wuz beeten.
I hev hopes that we will yet kum out rite.
Geff'son Davis is armin the niggers; the Dimokrasy
hev seed the folly uv philanderin after war,
and wun good Confedrit victry will set us up agin.
Let the Dimekratik virgins keep their lamps
full uv ile and trimmed.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 266 -- p631-265
LXXIV. DEPRECATES THE ARMING OF THE SLAVES BY THE SOUTH.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
November the 21st, 1864.
[figure description] Page 266.[end figure description]
The brave and shiverlus South hev at last desided
upon armin their niggers. Ef they do it, it
settles the question. The Ablishn party is neerly
eggsaustid, and can not hope to cope successfully
with three millions uv fresh niggers, the most uv
em desendid drekly from the fust families uv the
South. The nigger will fite! I may hev sed at
diffrent times, when the goriller Linkin wuz armin
uv em, that they woodent fite, but it wuz a lie uv
the basest character, that I got up 2 deseeve the
peeple. Does Boregard fite? Does the younger
Masons, and Peytons, and Ruffins, and Slidells,
and sich? Where do they get their shiverlus
darin frum? Onqueschenably frum the old Boregard,
Mason, Peyton, Slidell, et settry. Werry
good. Admittin it 's blood that does it, won't the
same blood that makes Kernel Peyton shivelrus,
operate the same way when coursin thro the
vanes uv Sam, his haff-brother? Uv coarse.
Like causes perdoose like effex. Ef Kernel
-- 267 --
[figure description] Page 267.[end figure description]
Peyton taiks a dose uv pills, wat 's the result? Precisely
the same ez wen Pomp takes em. Blood,
like pills, operate the same on all constooshns.
The mizable hirelins uv Linkin will rue the
day they meet these dark knites. The Suthern
white soljer is, I am aware, a mizable cuss. He
wuz born a serf; nacher made him expressly for
them system uv sosiety, and he coodent eggsist
nowhere else. The Suthern lord uv the sile reqwires
various serviss. Manyooel laber is dun
by the black, but his votin must be dun by whites.
Nacher steps in and furnishes him a man white
enuff to vote, and low enuff to be owned. He hez
no shiverlry, and woodent fite at all ef 't want for
the bloodid offisers. Imagin entire regyments
uv blooded men—men uv the fizzikle strength uv
the native Afrikin, animated with the sperit uv
the hawty Southron—a goriller with the sole uv
Shevaleer Bayard.
I hev prayd that Linkin will spare the South
this bitter cup. Hez the retch no sole? Imagin
a Suthern offiser a leedin his regyment in2 battle.
He drors nigh to the enemy. Whiz! sings a
shell. It explodes! He is safe, but, alars! dispersed
in2 inch peeses is Sipio, his nigger, and
perhaps the son uv his grandfather's son, or, may
be, the unkle uv his own children! That shell
-- 268 --
[figure description] Page 268.[end figure description]
cost him $1,500. A rifle pops, and Pompey dies,
who, livin, wood hev bin dirt-cheep at $1,200.
And so he goes. He treds the path uv glory
over the ded bodies uv his blood relashens, which
is also his forchune.
Agin. Ef the nigger fites alongside uv the
white man, he is acknollijed ez his ekal, and away
goes the corner-stun uv Dimokrasy. It hez alluz
bin a consolashen to the Northern Dimekrat to
feel that ther wuz a race meaner than they air.
Shel this pleezin deloosion be roodly dissipatid?
Ferbid it, Hevin!
This sacrifis may be avoidid. Linkin hez bin
slitely electid, and inezmuch ez he hez controle
uv suthin over a milyun muskits, with artilry 2
match, we Dimekrats, hevin alluz bin a law-abidin
peeple, shel submit quietly 2 the popler voice.
But we kin advize. Linkin hez it in his hands.
Let him make peese immejitly and to-wunst. Let
him send commishners 2 Richmond, under same
pay ez members uv Congris, (I will go for wun,)
to treet and be treeted. Let us act upon the
Micklellan ijee. Let us offer them all they want
to kum back, and ef they refooze—why then fite
it out, on constooshnel, conservative principples.
Ef they do refooze, and the war shood be properly
conductid, I shood sacrifice all for my bleedin
-- 269 -- p631-268
[figure description] Page 269.[end figure description]
country, and go into the servis ez a sutler. I
cood not hesitate for a moment.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXV. HAS A FRIGHTFUL DREAM.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey, }
November the 29th, 1864.
I 'm bein afflicted with dreems. It 's wery seldom
that I lay my manly form down 2 rest, that
dreems uv the most friteful karricter do n't take
posseshun uv me, and I awake in the mornin
feelin ez tired ez I do after a hard day's dodgin
creditors, wich is exhaustin.
Last nite I hed a dreem, the recolleckshun
whereof is enuff 2 drive a dray hoss uv ordinary
sensibilities crazy. Methawt Dimokrasy wuz ded,
that his funeral wuz apinted for the 4th uv March,
that that day had arriv, and that the frends uv
the deceest hed bin inwitid. I wuz on the spot
airly, but, 2 my surprize, quite a number uv
mourners wuz there afore me. Ther wuz Thomus
Gefferson, and Androo Jaxson, and Steven A.
-- 270 --
[figure description] Page 270.[end figure description]
Duglis, and Silus Wright, and Jimmy K. Poke,
and sich. The corpse wuz that uv a giant, who
hed evidently died uv dissipashen—wunst strong
and wiggerus, but redoost 2 a shaky skelliton.
Presently Fernandywood, Frank Peerse, Vallandigum,
and Vorhees hove in site. They kum a
busslin up, ez tho they wuz the legitimit heirs and
assigns aforesed uv the deceest, but ez soon ez
they recognized them ez wuz standin round the
corpse, they turned pale and sneeked off ez fast ez
their legs cood carry em. These distinguished
individooels wuz a weepin bitterly over the corpse,
particklerly Gefferson. “I am his fond parient,”
he exclaimed; “I guided his infant steps; I—but
what the dev—”
This exclamashen escaped Tomus, ez his eagle
eye lit onto a bootiful nigger-whip wich the defunct
hed clutched into his emashiatid hand.
“He never got that from me,” continued Tomus,
with a expreshun uv intense dissgust; “I sent the
gushin yooth in2 the world to do away with them
things.”
Wright hed found a revolver and a pair uv
handcuffs in his pocket, wich he dropped as tho
they burnt him. Jaxon took out uv his vest a
packige labeld “Stait Rites.” “Good hevins!”
remarkt he, flingin it from him, “did the ijeot
-- 271 --
[figure description] Page 271.[end figure description]
forgit my teechins ez soon ez I left him, and
take up with the heresis uv that scoundril, Calhoon?”
Duglis hed bin serchin, and next to the hart he
found a hevy packige, markt “Seceshn,” at wich
they all startid back with upliftid hands, ez I 've
seed play-akters do when they see the gost uv
ther ded muther.
“He wuz devotid 2 his country wen I startid
him,” sed Gefferson.
“Him and me put our heel on seceshn wunst,”
wept Jaxon.
“My frends,” sed Duglis, “I wuz the guardian
uv the deceest up to 4 yeers ago. He fell in2 bad
hands in '52, and got wild. He becum quarrelsome,
graspin, and at the saim time dissipatid.
I tried to keep him strate, but in vane. Sich
men ez Bookannon and Peerse hed more inflooense
with him than I, and they led him astray.
He squandered all the estate yoo left him, the
valyooable part uv wich wuz bought in by a consern
at the hed uv wich is A. Linkin, uv my
Stait, who, by makin a proper yoose uv it, is doin
a good biznis. To save him, I endorst for him in
'60, but he bustid me, and sellin all that he had
left, he went in2 the employ uv that Calhoon consern,
wich wuz jest startin up, ez I left, and I am
-- 272 -- p631-271
[figure description] Page 272.[end figure description]
paned 2 say that he contracted 2 do all their
dirty work. It wuz that wich killed him.”
“Bury the cuss—he stinks!” exclaimed they all
in korious, the noise whereof awoke me.
I feel thankful that we modern Dimekrats see
Gefferson, Jaxon, and sich, only in dreems.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXVI. PROPOSES THE EMIGRATION OF THE DEMOCRACY.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
December the 8th, 1864.
I reed in the Scripters (a book I alluz perooze
whenever I 'm bad sick,) suthin about ten tribes
uv Izrel that wuz lost. A ijee struck me. I see
a way by wich the present unholy, devastatin war
kin be stopped, and after givin the matter doo
considerashen, I 'm conwinst uv its feezibility.
It is
EMIGRASHEN!
The Suthern branch uv the Dimekratik party
ought 2 be convinst, by this time, that they ain't
a match for the Ablishnists a fightin, jest ez the
-- 273 --
[figure description] Page 273.[end figure description]
Northern wing hez diskivered that it ain't no
match for em a votin. The fact is, the entire
plan uv repairin the old temple uv Dimokrasy
with secession morter hez very much the appeerance
uv a faleyoor. My father (a Noo Gersey
Dimekrat,) wunst spilled lamp-ile on a noo kote.
He askt a nabor, who wuz reckless, wat wood taik
it out, and he told him sulphuric acid. The old
man got some, and poured it on. The next day
he went over to his adviser in great wrath, with
the remnants uv the kote.
“John,” said the old gentleman, “did n't yoo
tell me that this yere acid wood eradicate greese
from my kote?”
“Certingly; did n't it?”
“John, why did n't you likewise tell me that it
wood also eradicate the kote?”
Alas! the remedy Dimokrasy swallerd to cure
the cramp colic it got in 1860, is gnawin its bowils.
It is curin its ills ez stryknin duz hyderphoby
in a dorg.
2 resoom. My ijee is Mexico. Let a peece be
made, the terms uv which air, that jest sech uv
the peeple uv the old Yoonitid Staits ez hev made
up ther individjle minds that they can n't live
under Ablishn tyranny, shel hev the privilege uv
leevin with all ther goods and chattels. Then
-- 274 --
[figure description] Page 274.[end figure description]
we 'll go to Mexico, upset that offshoot uv European
monerky, Maxemilyen, and set up pure Dimokrasy,
with ekal rites and slaivry ez the cornerstuns.
Sum may obgect on the ground that Maxemilyen
is by this time too hefty to be histid.
Here is the forse we kin kalkilait on:
| Northern Dimekrats in Canady in consekence
uv drafts, |
200,000 |
| Northern Dimekrats at home who spectd orfis
under Micklellan, |
1,460,000 |
| Suthern army, say, |
200,000 |
| Grand totle, |
1,860,000 |
Cood Maxemilyen stand afore sich a array ez
that? Not enny.
But sez wun, “Uv wat yoose wood them peece
Dimekrats and draft skeedaddlers be to a military
expedishen—they won't fite.” My gentle frend,
Geff'son D., knows his biznis. Let him whisper
in2 ther eers that eech and every wun uv em that
survives shel hev a post-orfis, and they 'd wade in
blood knee-deep. O, it would be a cheerin site
to see them a chargin up the steeps uv Shepultepec,
with the inspirin cry, “Post-orfis!” Evry
wun uv em wood be a hero.
There we 'd set up Dimokrasy agin. The country,
uv coarse, we 'd divide, North and South,
-- 275 --
[figure description] Page 275.[end figure description]
free and slave, for a Northern Dimekrat wood
feel oneasy in his mind, ef he had n't a South to
serve. We 'd hold Nashnel Convenshuns in the
halls uv the Montezoomers, and, O, woodent it
be soothin 2 agin heer Tooms and Rett, and them
high-minded fellers, a bully-raggin uv us! Methinks.
Ez every wun uv us wood be offis-holders, wher
wood we git constitooence? Nacher hez perwidid.
The natives uv that country wood serve admirably.
But they coodent understand yoor speekers.
Troo, but them Mexicans wood soot us all
the better for not understandin English. Whenever
a Dimekrat got sense enuff in2 him to comperhend
our talk, he alluz left the party. Give
me the voter who takes his faith on trust. It 's
yoor inquirin minds that hez played the devil
with us.
I shel immejitly perpose the matter to President
Davis.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 276 -- p631-275
LXXVII. CONSULTS THE SPIRITS.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
December the 6th, 1864.
[figure description] Page 276.[end figure description]
I can't say I bleeve in speritoolism. I 've
tride it sevral times, but the result wuz never
satisfactory. I never cood determine in my own
mind ez to whether the sperits uv them ez purported
to be strangers, wuz ginooine, not knowin
ther stile, whereupon I wood call up the sperit uv
a deceest acquaintance. The conversashen wood
then run ez follows:
Me.—“Is the sperit uv Jotham Smith present?”
Sperit.—“It air. Who calls?”
Me.—“Nasby, Petroleum V.”
Sperit.—[Vehemently]—“Pay to my widder,
yoo old theef, the 13 dolers and a harf yoo borrid
uv me six yeers ago.”
Now, that coodent hev bin the spirit uv Jotham
Smith, becoz the sed Jotham, when in life, labord
manfully for three yeers to git that munny, and
hed signally faled, and for yeers hed quit tryin.
It coodent hev bin Jotham, for he knode me too
-- 277 --
[figure description] Page 277.[end figure description]
well. Ef it wuz his sperit, it proves concloosively
to me that the sperit is etherial, and when releest
from the body, wich restranes it, it becums
flighty.
A frend uv mine, here, is a speritooalist, and
he invited me wun nite 2 a serkle. I went, hopin
to find out what wuz the destiny uv the Dimekratik
party. I boldly called for the sperit uv
Androo Jaxon. It cum.
“Androo,” sez I, “father uv Dimokrasy, I, wun
uv yer perlittikkle children”—
“Hold!” interuptid he. “Did yoo vote for Vallandigum?”
“I supportid that persekootid saint.”
“And Micklellan?”
“Onquestionably I votid for that grate general
and statesman.”
“And after that yoo hev the impedence to call
yerselves children uv mine! Yoor in error, my
gentle frend, on the daddy question, or yoo lie
wilfully. Yoor Dimekratik party hez n't my polittikle
eyes, noze, mouth, or eckspreshun. Yoor
the son uv that hory old traitor, Calhoon, and a
mizable, deformd, misshapen ape it is. Yoo strangled
the Dimokrasy I left yoo, and hev put Calhoon's
into its cloze.”
“Androo,” sez I, “how do yoo git along with
-- 278 --
[figure description] Page 278.[end figure description]
the latter-day Dimokrasy, who deceese, universly
regretted, et settry.”
“Git along with em! They do n't none uv em
cum here. Ther 's another and a hotterer plais
for sich.”
I then called for the sperit uv Floyd, Bookannon's
Secretary, and late Genral in Confedrit servis.
He kum to wunst.
“J. B.” sez I, “wat is the fucher uv the Dimokratik
party?”
“Fucher!” replide he, smilin a sperit smile;
“why, man, it 's in its fucher now. It 's deceest,
and ought 2 hev a tomb-stun put up 2 commemorait
its virchoos, immejitly, and regardlis uv expense.
I say regardlis uv expense, becoz, the
meaner a man is, the more tomb-stun he needs.
Marble is the best material 2 tell lies on, now in
yoose. 2 resoom. Dimokrasy wuz seezd with a
mortle illnis in '60, wen Linkin wuz electid. The
blood is the life. Offis is the blood uv Dimokrasy,
and wen that wuz withdrawn, Dimokrasy wuz a
depletid cuss. It struggled agin hope until last
fall, when it kicked its last kick, and a mity week
kick it wuz. Dostest thow think ef I cood hev
bin Secretary uv War, perpetooally, with the unlimmytid
fasilities for steelin we engoyed under
Bookannon, that I wood hev rebelled? Not enny.
-- 279 -- p631-278
[figure description] Page 279.[end figure description]
The North druv us 2 it, by takin evry one of the
offisis.”
He woodent communikate no more, and the
serkle closed. I am inclind to bleeve them sperits
wuz ginooine. They told a grate deel uv trooth—
trooths that we can't git over. We shel see.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXVIII. “WAILETH AND CUSSETH. ”
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
December the 26th, 1864.
I've heerd from Savanner! I hev red uv it.
Fancy the feelins uv a man who hed bin for
weeks spectin 2 heer uv Sherman's bein entirely
chawd up by the undanted Suthern melishy!
The follerin impromptoo cuss and wale (ekally
mixt) reflex the stait uv mind uv the Dimokrasy
uv this sekshun.
Hart-sick, weery, alone, bustid.
Gone-up, flayed, skind, hung out.
Smashed, pulverized, shiverd, scatterd.
Physikt, puked, bled, blistered.
-- 280 --
[figure description] Page 280.[end figure description]
Sich is Dimokrasy!
Alone I sit, like Marius, among the rooins!
Alone I sit and cuss, and this is my cuss:
Cussid be Calhoon, for he interdoost us to that
paintid harlot, Stait Rites, who sedoost us.
Cussid be Peerse, who consentid 2 the Nebrasky
bill, wich bustid us.
Cussid be Bookannon, who favored Lecompton,
wich peeled us.
Cussid be Breckinridge, who woodent support
Duglis, and 'lectid Linkin, wich give our post-orfises
2 Ablishnists.
Cussid be the post-masters—may they bekum
suddently insane, and wildly go 2 trustin out
postige stamps to Dimekrats.
Cussid be Grant, and Sheriden, and Rosycrance,
for they 've dun for Demokrasy.
Cussid be them ez went in the army Dimekrats,
and cum out Ablishnists. (Wich is a eppydemic.)
Cussid be Vallandigum, wich went a practisin
law, leevin me in the Dimokrasy biznis alone,
without enny cappytle to run on.
[SPESHLY HOT.]
Cussid be Sherman, for he took Atlanta.
And he marcht thro the Confedrisy, and respected
not the feelins uv ennybody.
-- 281 --
[figure description] Page 281.[end figure description]
His path wuz, like Moses's, lit with pillers uv
fire and smoke, only the fire and smoke wuz behind
him.
His path is a desert—lo, the voice uv the
Shanghy is heerd not in all the land.
And the people uv the South lift up ther voisis
and weep, becoz their niggers are not.
And he took Savanner, and cotton enuff 2 hev
satisfide Bookannon's cabbynet.
And he turns his eyes toward Charleston, and
is serusly thinkin uv Richmond.
He starteth with three-skore thousand—he stoppeth
with three-skore and ten.
The wind bloweth where it listeth—he listeth
where he goeth.
As the lode-stone is to steel, so is his steel to
the Georgia nigger—it draweth him on.
Who will save us from the fury uv this Sherman?
who will deliver us from his hand?
Johnston he beat, Hood he fooled, and Wheeler
he flogged.
Lee wood do it; but he 's holdin Grant, and can't
let go uv him.
So he cavorts ez he wills, like a yerlin mule
with a chesnut burr under his tale.
Bitter in the mouth uv a Dimekrat is qwinine,
bitterer is gall, but more bitterer is Fedral victrys.
-- 282 --
[figure description] Page 282.[end figure description]
We have bin fed on victrys lately, and our
stumick turns.
Played out is Davis, and Dimokrasy hez follered
soot.
The Dimokrasy is turnin war-men—they are
bowin the knee to Linkin.
Voorhees will yet be a Briggydeer, and Vallandigum
will cry aloud for a war uv exterminashen,
and Fernandywood will howl for drafts.
For tho John Brown's body lies all mouldy in
the grave, his sole is a marchin on.
I ain't the rose uv Sharon, nor the lilly uv the
valley—I 'm the last uv the Kopperheds!
I bilt my polittikle howse on sand—it hez fell,
and I 'm under the rooins.
Uv pollytix I wash my hands, I shake its dust
orf my few remanin garmence.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 283 -- p631-282
LXXIX. RENOUNCES SLAVERY.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
January the 15th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 283.[end figure description]
“The wagis uv sin is deth.” Sich is the substance
uv a passage uv Skripter, wich, sence my
exile 2 this lonely shoar, hez bin my solis. How
troo the remark! How feerfly hez it bin reelized!
The anshent Dimokrasy ownd this guverment,
and mite hev hed it to-day. But then they wuz
a rychus set. They wuz n't dissipatid. They
did n't run after harlots. Jaxon, and Benton, and
Silas Write, and sich men, who wuz men, kept us
strate. But wen they went to their respective rewards,
another class uv men okkepied us. Jim
Bookannon and Jeff Davis took hold uv the Dimekratik
kite, tore off its time-honored tale, Ekal
Rites, and substitootid Slaivry. The result is
before the world. Dimokrasy is in the mud, and
the Ablishnists hev the post-orfisis. Alars!
In the olden time we used 2 heer this song:
“Hoe! the car uv emansipashen
Is rollin grandly thro the nashen.”
I 've seen that car. It 's on 2 wheels, and
-- 284 --
[figure description] Page 284.[end figure description]
carries balls from 6 to 500 pounds in wate. Sherman
rode it in2 Savanner tother day.
The harder the work yoo do for the devil, the
more deth yoo git for wages. We labord fathefully
in the servis uv slaivry. We dismist our
conshenses, went back on our record, swore black
wuz white, and vicy versy, even goin so fur ez to
go in2 two wars to perpetooate it. What is the
result?
Linkin hez abolisht it by proclamation. His
bloo-koted hirelins hev abolisht it, niggers and
all, wherever they hev gone, and they hev made
sum rayther extensiv toors. And, finelly, the
Confederasy, wich wuz instooted to preserve it, is
perposin to throw it overbord ez the price uv recognishen,
and this they do without stoppin 2 enquire
wat is 2 bekum uv us Northern Dimekrats,
who hev tied ourselves to it.
So reckless sailers fling overbord a priceless
cargo, to save a worthless hulk. So Joner wuz
histed in2 the bilin waves, 2 save a set uv mariners
who wuz not profits. Wood, O wood that I,
like him, cood be gobbled by some frendly whale,
who wood, in doo time, vomit me out on dry
land.
Ez for me, I 'm dun. I 'm a anti-slaivry man
frum this time out. My conshence won't allow
-- 285 -- p631-284
[figure description] Page 285.[end figure description]
me to support it no longer, and, besides, it do n't
pay. Ez the sole servivin leeder uv the Dimokrasy,
I shel immejitly ishoo a serkler, instructin
uv em to make this change uv front.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXX. LAMENTETH.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
January the 28th, 1865.
The waters uv fanattycism coverd all the land,
and the Dimekratik ark wuz a flotin thereon.
And Peerse and Vallandigum, and Vorhees and
Bright, and Micklellan and Booel, 2 and 2, wuz
therein, and wuz tired.
I am a dove, a peese dove.
I wuz sent out uv the ark to find a restin-place,
but I could find no rest for the sole uv my foot.
For ther wuz no abatin uv the flud.
In November our ark restid on Aryrat, and
there it is, stuck, and we are dolefly lookin out
uv the winders.
Afore us, behind us, and on both sides uv us,
-- 286 --
[figure description] Page 286.[end figure description]
we see our enemies, gorjusly drest in purple and
fine linnen, and a holdin the orfisis.
They hev post-orfisis, and custum-howsis, and
furrin mishns, and colekterships, and et settrys,
wich is our principples.
Strandid on the mountain-top, we set, and set,
and set.
Wendell Fillips pecks at our heds, and Horris
Greely stampeth on our korns, and lo! our hands
is tied.
From our mountin-top we see the armies goin
4th to battle, and we behold the discumfercher
uv our frends.
And we make faces at our enemies.
Sayin, Yet a little while, and England and
France shel interfere.
The provo-marshel roameth up and down the
land, seeking whom he may conscript, and nobody
dares bust him.
And we make faces.
All that pass by clap their hands; they hiss
and wag their heds at us, sayin: Is these Dimokrasy?
Is them the sons uv Jaxon?
And we make faces.
Two dollars is the tax upon whisky, and the
tongue uv the sucker cleaveth to the roof uv his
mouth for thirst; the young bummer asks for
-- 287 --
[figure description] Page 287.[end figure description]
nips, but no man poureth out till he observeth
the postal.
They that did drink juleps are down to corn-joose,
and they that delighted in new whisky are
burnin ther bowils with camfene.
The mole is blind, but not more blinderer than
we.
When the men uv the South drew the sword,
why did we jine ourselves 2 em?
Why did we try eatin fire, whose mouth wuz
made for Limburg cheese? Why did we tie ourself
to a corpse?
Who shel deliver us? Who shel take us out uv
the hand uv our enemy?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 288 -- p631-287
LXXXI. LINES ONTO O. P. MORTON, THE TIRENT UV INJEANY.
[figure description] Page 288.[end figure description]
Nero* the sekkund! O, wat a horrid fate,
Wuz Injeana's in that dredful hour
Thou wust made guvner, and got the power
To rool the Dimokrasy uv that noble Stait!
Mournin will not avale! but O, hed Dan-
iel Voorhees† sot wher thou hast sot,
Dost think that the Gorriller‡ wood hev got
The help he hed when fust the war began?
Inscribin “No Coershun” on his banner,
Bold Daniel wood hev let no man enlist,
'Cept sech ez wood, in Suthern ranks, assist
In rightin things in a constooshnel manner.
-- 289 --
[figure description] Page 289.[end figure description]
The Golden Cirkle wood hev growd in vigger,
No sneekin provo-marshels wood hev vext us,
No horrer-spredin drafts wood e'er hev tetcht us;
Wich drags us 4th, a fightin for the nigger.
And then Ristine and Athon, and a skore
Uv sich-like patriots, wood hev rooled the Stait;
And Dodd, the grate, wood not now cuss his fate,
A hopelis exel on a furrin shoar.
Teers ain't uv no akkount! but, O. P., take my cuss,
Ez stingin hot ez helpless hate kin make it;
A thirst for venjence with no chance to slake it;
Hopeless and helpless! kin a fate be wuss?
[The last stanzy, wich contanes the cuss—after Moore.]
May all yer roses turn 2 ashes 'fore yer eyes—
May all yer whisky turn 2 camfene on yer lip—
May all yoo hope for frum yer fingers slip,
Jest ez yoo think yoo 've got sekoor the prize.
eaf631n2* Nero wuz a Emprer uv Rome—so ornery that dorgs hev alluz bin
named after him. His only redeemin quality wuz his fondnis for music,
wich wuz so overpowerin that he fiddled the Arkansaw Travler wile
Rome wuz a burnin. He persekootid the saints, hentz I liken him 2
Morton.
eaf631n3† Daniel Voorhees is a troo Dimekrat, who resides in Terry Hut. In
the knack uv gittin uther men 2 gallop into what Ablishnists call treezn,
and keepin out uv it hisself, he is ekalled by few and serpast by nun.
eaf631n4‡ Goriller—wich is A. Linkin, uv coarse. To give force to the line, I
shood hev addid, “Ape and Babboon,” hed the measure admitted.
-- 290 -- p631-289
LXXXII. DETAILS THE FAILURES OF THE DEMOCRACY.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
February the 10th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 290.[end figure description]
People is queer. Humanity, pertiklerly Amerikin
humanity, vewd from a Dimekratik stand-pint,
is a inscrootable mystery. To the undersined
it 's a staggrer.
For instance.
The normel instinks uv mankind is not 2 work.
Dimokrasy hez bin a holdin out to the Amerikin
peeple the priceless boon uv nigger slaivry—the
onspeekible happinis uv hevin others swet for
em—uv passin a lifetime a suckin mint-juleps
thro straws, and smokin ten-cent cigars, on the
work uv others. It wuz regectid.
I wuz a thinkin the matter over to-nite, and I
wuz shockt at the remarkable yoonanimity with
wich evry distinktiv measure perposed by the
Dimokrasy hez bin repoodiatid by the people.
We told em the South wood rebel, ef they votid
for Linkin. They votid for Linkin.
We told em greenbax and guverment bonds
-- 291 --
[figure description] Page 291.[end figure description]
wood be entirely worthless. They take the greenbax,
and subscribe for the bonds with a loosenis
onparalleled.
We told em they cood never whip the South.
They went in and are whippin the South, with
neetnis and dispatch.
We warned em agin drafts, and sich. They go
and vote for drafts—indeed, I heerd wun recreant
Dimekrat observe that he rayther liked a draft
wunst or twict per annum, they varied the monotony.
“And then,” sed he, “a feller feels so
good when he finds he ain't drawd.”
We told em the war wood go on ef Linkin wuz
re-electid. They went and re-electid Linkin.
We told em that any interference with slaivry
wood rooin North and South. They abolisht it in
a lump.
In short, the peeple is crazy. Watever the
Dimokrasy endorses, the peeple rejex; watever
the Dimokrasy recommends, the peeple condemn.
I 'm convinst uv the trooth uv the Millerite doctrine—
the end uv the world is at hand.
Ez for me, I care not how soon it comes. Life
is not measured by yeers. I am 3 skore in yeers,
but I hev consoomed enuff whisky for a man uv
a hundred. Therefore I am reddy. Whenever
-- 292 -- p631-291
[figure description] Page 292.[end figure description]
the Dimokrasy finally pegs out, I want to go likewise,
for with it my mishn is ended.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
LXXXIII. MR. NASBY AND HIS FRIENDS HOLD A MEETING ON THE FALL OF CHARLESTON.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
February the 23d, 1865.
Ther air but a very few troo Dimekrats left
in this sekshun uv Noo Gersey—very few. The
young wuns hez all enlistid and turnd Ablishnists,
and the old wuns er a peggin out with delirium
tremens. The whisky we git now-a-days burns
our coppers out feerfly.
A few uv us, whose stumicks is trooly glass,
met last nite to shed a teer or 2 over the fall uv
Charleston. Square Potts, who hez bin the reglar
chairman for this county for thirty yeers, tuk the
cheer, on his own motion, weepin perfoosely.
Obed Peesly, who is our ex-offisho secretary,
bein the only wun in this visinnity who kin rite,
took his seet, without a motion, a weepin profoosely.
-- 293 --
[figure description] Page 293.[end figure description]
The rest uv the awjence moved that they be
vice-presidence, wich wuz carried, and they took
their seets as sich, weepin perfoosely.
Here a hitch okkurred—there wuz noboddy left
for committy on resolushens. 3 uv the vice-presidence
promptly resined and wuz electid ez sich
committy, when they (weepin perfoosely) reportid
the follerin, wich the secretary had prevously rit:
Wareas, Charlston, the only plais on the continent
wher pure Dimokrasy abidid, hez follerd
Atlanty and Savanner, and fallen in2 the hands
uv Ablish hirelins; and,
[Here the secretary paused, that the flore mite
be mopt.]
Wareas, The prospek is lively for Richmond,
and the rest uv the Confederasy follerin soot,
there4, be it
Resolvd, That we emfattically and unreservedly
protest agin a further continooance uv this unholy,
unconstooshnel, unmittygatid and sooisidle
war.
Resolvd, That we now manetane what we hev
alluz assertid, that 8 milyuns uv free white men
can't be subjoogatid at enny price.
Resolvd, That we congratulait our heroic brethren
uv the South, who is strugglin for ther rites,
upon the successful evacuation uv Atlanty and
-- 294 --
[figure description] Page 294.[end figure description]
Savanner and Charleston, becoz, hevin them plasis
less to defend, they kin consentrait sumwheres to
better advantige.
Resolvd, That the slownis uv England and
France at interferin, deservs our reprehenshun,
and that ef they air ever goin to do it, now 's the
time.
Resolvd, That them Dimekrats who let on they
feel ez good ez the Ablishnists do over these victrys,
is unworthy the name. We warn em that it
ain't no yoose. The Ablishnists have enuff strateouters
uv ther own to hold all the orfises, and that
turnin into war-men, at this lait day, is ruther 2
fishy to fool even the blindest uv em.
Resolvd, That we damnd the war at the beginnin,
and that we, uv Noo Gersey, dam it now, and
will so continyoo to the end uv the chapter, bein
conservative and terribly sot in our way.
Resolvd, That callin out 300,000 fresh men to
fite our eggsaustid Suthern brethrin, is not only
unshivilrous, but is takin a mean advantige uv a
noble peeple, and that we hereby demand uv
Linkin that he revoke the order.
Resolvd, That sutch uv us ez air draftid shel
hev the privilige uv choosin wether they will die
in their own dore-yards, or run to Canady. We
onhesitatingly recommend the latter coarse,
-- 295 --
[figure description] Page 295.[end figure description]
providin alluz, they kin git back afore the next eleckshun.
The resolushuns were, uv coarse, adoptid—the
cheerman, ez is the custum here wen he wants
resolutions past, only puttin the affirmative side.
After wich I felt a call to speek, and I did so,
remarkin:
That the loosnis with wich teers wuz bein shed,
showd that the hart uv the Dimokrasy wuz
tutched; that I wuz glad 2 see em flow, becoz it
showd how clost a feelin eggsistid atween the Dimokrasy,
North and South. But there wuz reely
no cause for teers.
The triumfs the Ablishnists hed gained were no
advantagis. Charleston hed fallen, it wuz troo.
While I regrettid the hard necessity, I wuz trooly
glad uv it. The feelins uv them peeple hed bin
hurt, no dout. But wat uv that? It wuz easier
to let go uv Charleston than 2 hold on to it.
They coodent hold that city enny more than they
cood Atlanty and Savanner, and, there4, strategy
required its surrender. The good uv the Confedrisy
required that they should leave, and O, my
brethren, with wat alackrity they obeyed the call.
They may find it necessary to resine Richmond.
Shel we ther4 be cast down? Not enny. I see
Lee's strategy. He calkilates on givin up all
-- 296 --
[figure description] Page 296.[end figure description]
them towns. Grant and Sherman will hev to
leave a garrison in each uv em, until ther armies
is all divided up in2 garrisons; then cums the
krisis. He takes them small garrisons, 1 at a
time, and gobbles em. That 's his ijee, I make
no dout. Let us, my brethrin, keep a stiff upper
lip. The more territory Sherman gits, the
wuss he is orf. I wate impashently to heer uv
his marchin on, feelin that at last Lee will wax
him.
I concludid, leavin em in good humor. Takin
advantij uv the feelin, I borrered sum eight dolars
uv 12 uv em, wich, with wat credit I hev establisht
here, will keep me runnin sum time.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 297 -- p631-296
LXXXIV. LAMENTETH OVER THE APOSTACY OF THE SAINTS.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, }
March the 13th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 297.[end figure description]
I hev peroosed the papers agin.
To me, noozepapers is pizen, and the telegraff
wuss ner watered whisky.
For they bring tidings uv evil to me, and
tidings uv grate goy to the Ablishnists.
Wilmington hez follered Charleston, and Columby
is a mass uv rooins.
Sherman hez gone and did it agin, and Bragg
suckums to Schofield.
Lee is in Richmond like a rat in a cistern—he
can't git out, and it 's shoor deth to stay.
Weepin I can't do, for my water-works hev
given out frum too mutch yoose; cussing is uv no
avale, for I can't do justis 2 the subgick.
And the household uv the faithful hev apostatized—
they bow the knee to the Molock Linkin.
Wher is them who bought revolvers to resist
the drafts?
Lo! them ez live in Noo Hamsheer is filin affidavits
that they bought em to plant corn, by
-- 298 --
[figure description] Page 298.[end figure description]
shootin the kernels atween the cracks uv the
stuns in their feelds, ez is the custum uv the
country.
Them ez live in the West sware grate oaths
that they bought em to shoot rats with.
Wher is them ez swore solem oaths, in their
lodges, to give neither man nor dollar for the
war?
Lo! they shell out their hundreds to draft funds,
and are bizzy gittin in substitoots.
Wher is them who swore ef they had to go,
they wood shoot North?
Lo! they wuz draftid, and they went like lams
to the slaughter, and are now enthoosiastic in the
killin uv their Suthern brethern.
Wher is them who swore no nigger shood cum
North?
Verily, the contraband sweateth on their farms
at 12 dollars per munth—for his labor they hug
him to their buzzum.
Wher is them who profeside that greenbax
wood be wuthless, and swore they would never
take em?
Lo, they sell their hosses, and their wheat, and
their lands, and will reseeve in pay therefor nuthin
else; they hoard em clost, ez the hat will show
that goeth around at the close uv my lectures.
-- 299 --
[figure description] Page 299.[end figure description]
Where is them who contribbitid to the support
uv Vallandigum?
In my distress I asked wun uv em for a single
quarter, and he bade me be damned.
There is no faith in mankind—there is none
troo—no, not wun.
The party hez flickered out—it standeth not
up in its strength—it hez no more backbone than
a eel.
In disgust I spit upon it—in my wrath I leeve
it to its fate.
Vallandigum and Voorhees hev gone into the
law; I shel embark into bounty-jumpin.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 300 -- p631-299
LXXXV. THE FALL OF RICHMOND AND LEE'S SURRENDER.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, }
April the 10th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 300.[end figure description]
I survived the defeet uv Breckinridge in 1860,
becoz I knode the Dimokrasy cood rase up in
arms agin the unconstooshnality uv electin a
seckshnal President, who wuz impregnatid with
any seckshnal ijees that he got north uv Mason
and Dixon's line.
I survived the defeet uv Micklellan, (who wuz,
trooly, the nashen's hope and pride likewise,) becoz
I felt assoored that the rane uv the goriller
Linkin wood be a short wun; that in a few months,
at furthest, Ginral Lee wood capcher Washinton,
depose the ape, and set up there a constooshnal
guverment, based upon the great and immutable
trooth that a white man is better than a nigger.
I survived the loss uv Atlanty, and Savanner,
and Charleston, becoz, dependin on Suthern papers,
I bleeved that them places wuz given up—
mind, given up—becoz the Confedrits desired to
consentrate for a crushin blow.
I survived the fall uv Richmond, tho it wuz a
-- 301 --
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staggrer; becoz I still hed faith that that grate
and good man, Lee, did it for stratejy, that he
mite consentrate hisself sumwhers else; and when
the Ablishnists jeered me, and sed “Richmond,”
and “Go up, bald-hed,” to me, I shook my fist at
em, and sed, “Wait, and yoo 'll see.”
I wuz a lookin for the blow that wuz to foller
this consentratin.
It cum!
But it wuz us who reseevd it, and a deth-blow
it wuz. Ajacks defied the litenin; cood he hev
bin a Northern Dimekrat, and stood this lick unmoved,
he mite hev dun it with perfek safety.
“Lee surrenderd!”
Good hevins! Is this the end uv the consentratin?
Is this the dyin in the last ditch? Is
this the fightin till the last man wuz a inanimait
corpse? Is this the bringin up the childern to
take their places, ez the old ones peg out under
Yankee bullits?
“Lee surrenderd!
Why, this ends the biznis. Down goes the curtain.
The South is conkered! CONKERED!! CONKERED!!!
Linkin rides into Richmond! A
Illinois rale-splitter, a buffoon, a ape, a goriller, a
smutty joker, sets hisself down in President Davis's
cheer, and rites despatchis! Where are the
-- 302 --
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matrons uv Virginia? Did they not bare their
buzzums and rush on2 the Yankee bayonets that
guarded the monster? Did they not cut their
children's throtes, and wavin a Confederit flag
in one hand, plunge a meat-knife in2 their throbbin
buzzums with the tother, rather than see
their city dishonered by the tred uv a conkerer's
foot?
Alars! not wunst.
Per contrary! I reed in the papers that they
did rush wildly thro the streets, with their childern
in their arms.
But it wuz at the Yankee commissary trains,
who give em bread and meat, wich they eat vociferously.
Their buzzums wuz bare.
But it wuz becoz their cloze hed worn out, and
they did n't know how to weave cloth for new
wuns.
In breef, they actid about ez mean ez a Northern
Dimekrat ever did, and to go lower is unnessary.
This ends the chapter. The Confederasy hez
at last consentratid its last consentrate. It 's ded.
It 's gathered up its feet, sed its last words, and
deceest. And with it the Dimokrasy hez likewise
given up the ghost. It may survive this, but I
-- 303 --
[figure description] Page 303.[end figure description]
can't see how. We staked our political fortune
on it; we went our bottom dollar on it; it 's gone
up, and we ditto. Linkin will serve his term
out—the tax on whisky won't be repeeled—our
leeders will die off uv chagrin, and delirium tremens
and inability to live so long out uv offis, and
the sheep will be skattered. Farewell, vane
world. I 'll embrace the Catholic faith and be a
nun, and in a cloister find that rest that pollytix
kin never give.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 304 -- p631-303
LXXXVI. THE ASSASSINATION.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
April the 20th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 304.[end figure description]
The nashen mourns! The hand uv the vile
assassin hez bin raised agin the Goril—the head
uv the nashen, and the people's Father hez fallen
beneath the hand uv a patr—vile assassin.
While Aberham Linkin wuz a livin, I need not
say that I did not love him. Blessed with a mind
uv no ordinary dimensions, endowed with all the
goodness uv Washinton, I alluz bleevd him to hev
bin guilty uv all the crimes uv a Nero.
No man in Noo Gersey laments his untimely
deth more than the undersined. I commenst
weepin perfoosely the minit I diskivered a squad
uv returned soljers cumin round the corner, who
wuz a forsin constooshnel Dimekrats to hang out
mournin.
Troo, he did n't agree with me, but I kin overlook
that—it wuz his misforchoon. Troo, he hung
unoffendin men, in Kentucky, whose only crime
wuz in bein loyal to what they deemed their guverment,
ez tho a man in this free country coodent
-- 305 --
[figure description] Page 305.[end figure description]
choose wich guverment he 'd live under. Troo,
he made cold-blooded war, in the most feendish
manner, on the brave men uv the South, who wuz
only assertin the heven-born rite uv roolin theirselves.
Troo, he levied armies, made up uv
pimps, whose cheefest delite wuz in ravishin the
wives and daughters uv the South, and a miscellaneous
burnin their houses. Troo, he kept in2
offis jist sich men ez wood sekund him in his hellbegotten
skeems, and dismist every man who refused
to becum ez depraved ez he wuz. Troo, he
wood read uv these scenes uv blood and carnage,
and in high glee tell filthy anecdotes; likewise
wood he ride over the feeld uv battle, and ez the
wheels uv his gorgus carriage crushed into the
shudrin earth the bodies uv the fallen braves,
sing Afrikin melodies.
Yet I, in common with all troo Dimekrats,
weep! We weep! We wish it to be distinkly
understood, we weep! Ther wuz that in him that
instinktively forsis us to weep over his deth, and
to loathe the foul assassin who so suddenly removed
so much loveliness uv charikter. He hed
ended the war uv oppression—he hed subjoogatid
a free and brave peeple, who were strugglin for
their rites, and hed em under his feet; but I, in
common with all Dimekrats, mourn his deth!
-- 306 --
[figure description] Page 306.[end figure description]
Hed it happened in 1862, when it wood hev
bin uv sum yoose to us, we wood not be so bowed
down with wo and anguish. It wood hev throde
the guverment in2 confusion, and probably hev
sekoored the independence uv the South.
But, alas! the tragedy cum at the wrong time!
Now, we are saddled with the damnin crime,
when it will prodoose no results. The war wuz
over. The game wuz up when Richmond wuz
evacuated. Why kill Linkin then? For revenge?
Revenge is a costly luxury—a party so
near bankrupt ez the Dimokrasy can not afford to
indulge in it. The wise man hez no sich word
ez revenge in his dixonary—the fool barters his
hope for it.
Didst think that Linkin's deth would help the
South? Linkin's hand wuz velvet — Johnson's
may be, to the eye, but to the feel it will be
found iron. Where Linkin switched, Johnson will
flay. Where Linkin banished, Johnson will hang.
Davis wuz shocked when he heard it—so wuz I,
and, in common with all troo Dimekrats, I weep.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 307 -- p631-306
LXXXVII. “MAKES A DELEGASHUN UV HISSELF, ” AND VISITS THE PRESIDENT.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, }
May the 21st, 1865.
[figure description] Page 307.[end figure description]
All the Staits uv the North, and the heft uv
them resently subjoogatid, all the sosieties, associashuns
and churchis that ever I heerd uv, hev
sent delegashuns for the purpus uv volunteerin
advice 2 Jonson, the noo President. Feelin that
Noo Gersey shood not be behind in the advice
bizniss, I electid myself a delegashun, borrered a
clene shirt, and traveled 2 Washinton. I wuz
announst ez “a delegashun frum Noo Gersey,”
and wuz to wunst usherd in2 the presents.
“Wher is the delegashun?” ejakoolatid the
President; “hurry em up, for I 've thirteen more
to reseeve this afternoon.”
“Androo Jonson,” sed I, impressivly, “I represent
Noo Gersey, a Stait that hez jest dun honor
to the deceest President.”
“Troo, returnd he; “sich Staits honor patriots—
after they 're dead.”
“I resent the insinooashun, with skorn. Ez
proof that the murder uv the President wrung
-- 308 --
[figure description] Page 308.[end figure description]
the popler hart uv Noo Gersey, let me say, sir,
that the Camden and Amboy Drekturs, at a
meetin calld for the perpus, abslootely votid 2
carry the corpse uv the deceest President over
the road for half-fare! a honor never be4 akordid
to enny livin er ded individjooal. But let that
pars. Noo Gersey needs no speshl pleeder. Ther
she stands. Look at her—ef yoo hev a mycroscope.
“I cum, Androo, ez a originel Dimekrat, who,
whatever other sins he may hev committed, never
skratcht his tikkit er dilootid his whisky. In behaff
uv that Dimokrasy I speak.
“Ez hez bin menshund 2 yoo wunst er twict, a
immense responsibility rests on yoor sholders.
The Suthern Staits struggled for their rites, but
were squelcht. They fought like heroes, but fell,
becoz uv overpowrin numbers agin em. They 're
down—yoor iron heel is on2 their necks. What
will yoo do? Will yoo grind em, er will yoo be
magnanimus?
“Wunst we wuz a happy nashen, and we kin
be so agin—it rests with yoo. Yoo must consiliate
the Dimokrasy. Our party North is magnanymus.
We stand reddy to fergive yoo for
hevin draftid us, for hevin taxt us to support a
unconstooshnel war, providin you 'll stop now.
-- 309 --
[figure description] Page 309.[end figure description]
Woo our Suthern brethrin back with jentle words.
They air a high-sperited and sensitive race, that
kin never be subjoogatid. Take em agin 2 yer
buzzum, and do n't hoomiliate em by degradin
condishns. Give em a chanse 2 fergive us for
whalin uv em. Restore ther niggers, pay ther
war debt, invite Magoffin, and Vance, and Brown,
and the rest uv the guvners, back 2 their various
capitols—give Lee, and Forist, and Boregard ther
posishuns in the reglar army, and penshun the
disabled Confedrit heroes.
“Ther must n't be no hangin. You 've got
that unfortnit staitsman, Davis—he fell in2 yoor
hands becoz he wuz ignorent uv the style uv
yoor (lait Linkin's) minyuns. He mite hev
knode that the soljers never seed a woman takin
to the woods without chasin her. But he must
not be hung. Dimokrasy looks upon the matter
thus.
“You can't hang a man for conspirin agin a
guvment onless he taiks up arms.
“Ef a few take up arms it 's only a riot, and no
hangin matter, 'cept when Ablishnists like John
Brown do it. In sich cases hangin is alluz in
order.
“Ef a number uv Staits do it, it 's a revolooshen,
and them ez yoo capcher must be treeted ez
-- 310 --
[figure description] Page 310.[end figure description]
bellyjiggerants and prizners uv war. To hang
prizners uv war, Androo, is murder.
“This would probably satisfy the South. At
the North less is reqwired. The Dimokrasy is
easily consiliatid. Give our leeders enuff of the
offisis 2 support em, with the privilidge uv managin
things 2 soot us, and the trubble is ore. On
them terms we 'll support yoor Administrashen,
or enny uther man's, corjelly and hartily, and
peese will agin wave her white pinyuns over the
land, and will continyoo 2 wave em ontil the
Suthern hart is agin fired.
“I hev dun—Noo Gersey hez spoke.”
I rather spect my words will bare froot. Look
out for a change uv polisy.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 311 -- p631-310
LXXXVIII. SONNIT-2 A LITTER UV LITTLE PIGS.
Root on! root on! ye sportiv little pigs!
Ah! cood ye uv the fucher hev a site,
Yoor little tails wood not kurl up so tite,
But droop despondin down yoor hinder legs.
Yoo live o'erwell—uv food yoo hev no lack;
But 'tis not luv that gives yoo daily swill—
'T is not the promptins uv a gen'rus will—
Yoor karkasis must pay the trubble back;
Yoo 'll all kum 2 it when yoor sumwhat fatter,
Stuck, dressed, and served up, roasted on a platter.
As shoor ez fate the unfeelin butcher's steel
Will cut yoor windpipe, spite uv kick or squeal.
[Here cums in the moral, wich wuz segested by my borrerin
munny wunst at ten per cent., givin a mortgage on a
farm, and renooin till the farm wuz eaten up.]
Yoo 'll tred the path so old and so well beaten,
Fed first by man, and then by mankind eaten!
[figure description] Page 311.[end figure description]
-- 312 -- p631-311
LXXXIX. HAS A VISION.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
May the 31st, 1865.
[figure description] Page 312.[end figure description]
Dreems wuz common in the old skriptooral
times, and wuz considerd ez profetikle. I hed a
dreem larst nite, wich may or not mene suthin.
Ef it may, Lord help the undersined, is my
prayer, continooally.
I dreemd I wuz ded—that, assistid by a tyfus
fever and 2 dokters, I hed bustid the bonds uv
mortality, and hed sored 2 the unknone hereafter.
Up I went to the gates uv the tother world, wher
I wuz confrontid by Peter.
“Wher yoo frum?” sez he.
“Noo Gersey,” sez I.
“Wuz yoo a good cittyzen?” sez he.
“I wuz a Dimekrat who never skratcht a tikkit,”
sez I.
“Hev yoo votid that tikkit for the larst 4 yeers,
and kin yoo rede?” sez he.
“I hev and kin,” sez I.
“Then yoor place is below,” sez he. “Git.”
Wich I did.
-- 313 --
[figure description] Page 313.[end figure description]
I met his Majesty, Satan the I,at his door, and
he welcomd me corjelly. I wuz disappintid in
his persnel appeerance. He wuz a middle-ajed
man, gentlemanly in style, resemblin Geff'son
Davis very much, only hevin a more intellectooal
cast uv countenanse.
“Welkum,” sez he. “I hev bin spectin yoo
sum time. Welkum, welkum!”
“Hev yoo menny uv the Dimokrasy with yoo,”
sez I.
“Not menny uv the ginooine Koperheds,” sez he.
“Uv coarse, yoo hev n't,” sez I; “we everage
ez good ez”—
“That 's not it,” sez he, gazin onto me with a
expreshun uv intense fondnis, “that 's not jist it.
All but about 10 or 11 frum eech county git out
by pleedin ignorence, and idiocy, and sich. But
it 's all rite. I make it up by hevin a hevier force
2 spare 2 stir up the few leeders. Yoo kin rede
print, can't yoo?” he askt ankshusly.
“I kin,” sez I.
“All rite,” sez he. “Gefferson Davis will be
along in a few months, tho ef he don't show more
man than he did when he wuz caught, he 'll make
poor amoosement.”
“He 's a disgrace 2 his secks—he ort 2 hev bin
a woman,” sez I.
-- 314 --
[figure description] Page 314.[end figure description]
“Troo,” retorts he; “but, ez Shakespeer sez,
`there's a divinity that shapes our ends.' Then
Alec Stephens!”
“Will yoo git him? He wuz originelly opposd
2 seceshn.”
“That 's my best holt. Davis wuz alluz a secesh;
Bengamin wuz, becoz he thawt it wood
pay—on them I 've hed a morgige ever sense
they arrived at the yeers uv akountability. Stephens
knode seceshn wuz wrong—he can't pleed
ignorance nor nuthin, for he warnd his peeple agin
it, and then wuz bot up in2 doin it hisself for the
poor privilig uv playin 2d fiddle to Geff Davis,
who drawd a mizable bow hisself. I 've ded wood
on him.”
“Tell me, gentle sir,” sez I, “how about Fernandywood,
Vallandigum, et al., ez the lawyers
say.”
“In doo time they 're mine,” sez he. “They
can't save themselves by repentanse, even. They
are now past forty, and if they 'd commense in
ded ernest, tryin to do ez much good ez they hev
bad, and lived till they wuz ez old ez Methoozeler,
they could n't make a commencement toward balancin
the books. By the way, speekin uv Methooseler,
I hed to wate pashently for customers
in them days, when men lived 900 yeers.”
-- 315 --
[figure description] Page 315.[end figure description]
“There 's Corry, Colorado Jewet, and Alec
Long,” continnerd he, “I 've hed my eye on.
Jewit and Corry I 'll lose—there 's a place outside
uv my goorisdicshen for sich. They ain't
responsible, yoo see. The devils that wuz cast
out uv the man and took refuge in the swine, left
the swine when they wuz drowndid, and hev inhabitid
menny men sence. Two uv em air in
Corry and wun in Jewet, to-day. Alec Long hez,
evry now and then, a glimrin uv sense; he shows,
occashenally, surface indicashens uv intellek, not
quite enuff to make a lunatic uv him, and too
much for a ideot. I may git him, and may not.
But yoo will hev plenty uv compny. The stand
yoor party took, druv thousands uv men in2 cussednis,
who knode better, and who, ef let alone,
wood hev dodged me. I hev an eye on sum who
denounst Vallandigum, and yet, when the screws
wuz brot down on2 em—and, by the way, jist sich
ez yoo turnd them sed screws, (and he pokt me
jockelerly in the ribs)—actilly presided at Vallandigum
meetins, and votid for him. Then, after
he wuz defeetid, they swore they did n't vote for
him at all, addin a dirty lie to the original sin,
wich is givin the devil, (ez yoo stile me,) his due,
with compound interest.
-- 316 --
[figure description] Page 316.[end figure description]
“But excoose me—I 'll show yoo 2 yoor apartmence.
This way, my deer sir.”
I obgectid to goin, and looked anxshusly around
for a escape. Observin this, a change cum o'er
the polite gentleman afore me. His eyes glistend,
a sulfrus streem ishood frum his mouth, his feet
partid in2 hoofs, his fingers elengatid in2 claws.
I observed a tale peepin down under his cote; in
short, he was transformd in2 the identicle devil
I hed seen on sevral occashens, when labrin under
attax uv delirium tremens, sooperindoost by
drinkin a barl or so too much elecshun whisky,
doorin hotly-contestid campanes. He reecht one
claw for me, when I awoke. 2 say I wuz rejoist
at findin myself still on prayin ground, is week—
't wuz goy onspeekable. I can't interprit the
dreem.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 317 -- p631-316
XC. LAYS DOWN A PLATFORM FOR THE COMING CAMPAIGN.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
June the 23d, 1865.
[figure description] Page 317.[end figure description]
These is the dark days uv the Dimokrasy.
The misforchoons that befell our armies in front
uv Richmond, the fall uv our kappytle, follered
by the surrender uv our armies 2 Grant and Sherman,
hez hurt us. Our leeders air either pinin
in loathsum dunguns, inkarseratid by the hevindefyin,
man-destroyin, tyranikle edix uv our late
lamented President, or air barskin in the free air
uv Italy and Canady. We hev no way uv keepin
our voters together. Opposin the war won't do
no good, for before the next elekshun the heft uv
our voters will hev diskiverd that the war is over.
The feer uv drafts may do suthin in sum parts uv
Pennsylvany and Suthern Illinoy, for sum time
yit, but that can't be dependid on.
But we hev wun resource for a ishoo—ther will
alluz be a Dimokrasy so long as ther 's a nigger.
Ther is a uncompromisin dislike to the nigger
in the mind uv a ginooine Dimekrat. The
-- 318 --
[figure description] Page 318.[end figure description]
Spanish bull-fighter, when he wants to inflame the bull
to extra cavortin, waves a red flag afore him.
Wen yoo desire a Dimekrat to froth at the mouth,
yoo will find a black face will anser the perpus.
There4, the nigger is, to-day, our best and only
holt. Let us use him.
For the guidance uv the faithful, I shel lay
down a few plain rools to be observed, in order
to make the most uv the cappytle we hev:
1. Alluz assert that the nigger will never be
able to take care uv hisself, but will alluz be a
public burden. He may, possibly, give us the
lie by goin to work. In sich a emergency the
dooty uv every Dimekrat is plane. He must not
be allowed to work. Associashens must be orgenizd,
pledgd to neether give him employment,
to work with him, to work for enny one who will
give him work, or patronise enny wun who duz.
(I wood sejest that sich uv us ez hez bin forchoonit
enuff 2 git credit, pay a trifle on account,
so ez to make our patronige worth suthin.) This
course, rigidly and persistently follerd, wood drive
the best uv em to steelin, and the balence to the
poor-houses, provin wat we hev alluz claimd,
that they air a idle and vishus race. Think, my
brethren, wat a inspirin effeck our poor-houses
and jails full uv niggers wood hev on the peeple!
-- 319 --
[figure description] Page 319.[end figure description]
My sole expands ez I contemplait the deliteful
vision.
2. Likewise assert that the nigger will come
North, and take all the good places, throwin all
our skilld mekaniks out uv work by underbiddin
uv em. This mite be open to 2 obgecshuns, to-wit:
It crosses slitely Rool the 1, and men mite
say, ef there 's jist enuff laber for wat 's here, why
not perhibit furriners frum cumin? I anser: It 's
the biznis uv the voter to reconsile the contradikshun—
he may bleeve either or both. Ez to the
sekund obgeckshun, wher is the Dimekrat who
coodent be underbid, and stan it even to starvashen,
ef the underbidden wuz dun by a man uv
the proud Kaukashen race? and wher is the Dimekrat
so lost to manhood ez not to drink blud, ef
the same underbiddin is dun by a nigger? The
starvin for work ain't the question—it 's the color
uv the cause uv the starvashen that maiks the
diffrens.
Nigger equality may be workt agin, 2 advantage.
All men, without distinckshun uv secks,
air fond uv flatrin theirselves that sumbody 's
lower down in the skale uv humanity than they
is. Ef 't wan't for niggers, what wood the Dimokrasy
do for sumboddy 2 look down upon? It 's
also shoor to enlist wun stile uv wimmen on our
-- 320 --
[figure description] Page 320.[end figure description]
side. In times gone by, I 've notist gushin virgins
uv 45, full 16 hands high and tuff ez wire,
holdin aloft banners onto wich wuz inscribd—
“Save us frum Nigger Equality.” Yoo see it
soothed em 2 hev a chanse uv advertisin, 1st,
That they wuz frale, helplis critters; and, 2d,
That, anshent and tuff ez they wuz, sum wun wuz
still goin for em.
Ef ther ain't no niggers, sentrel committis must
furnish em. A half dozen will do for a ordnary
county, ef they 're hustled along with energy. Ef
they won't steel, the sentrel committis must do it
theirselves. Show yer niggers in a township in
the mornin, an the same nite rob the clothes-lines
and hen-roosts. Ever willin 2 sacrifice myself for
the cause, I volunteer to do this latter dooty in
six populus countis.
These ijees, ef follerd, will, no doubt, keep us
together until our enemies split, when we will
reep the reward uv our constancy and fidelity.
May the Lord hasten the day.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 321 -- p631-320
XCI. SONNIT-2 A OLD HOSS.
[figure description] Page 321.[end figure description]
A ALLEGORY—SEJESTED BY THE MELONKOLY SPEKTAKLE UV
A DIMEKRAT OUT UV OFFIS FOR 6 YEARS.
Mizable quaderped! thy sharpened back,
Edged up by hunger, lumped and ridged,
Thy wunst plump form by famine fowl abridged,
Betokens eggsile long from fodder rack,
And totle abstinence from oats. Say, hoss,
Wat are yoo thinkin about? Do yoo still dwell
On long ago, when oats yoor frame did swell,
And when another, not a drayman, wuz yoor boss?
Do yoo still dream uv colthood, when, uv traces free,
Yoo nipt the clover in yoor native feelds,
And in sheer wildness kick-ed up yoor heels,
And reigned the monark uv the bucheous lea!
Dismiss the thot, poor brute, uv hoss the gost,
Yoo dream uv clover, but yoo wake to post!*
eaf631n5* Alloodin to a barberous practis uv tyin hosses to posts, and allowin
uv em to stand all day without food. The poor beasts becum famisht,
and gnaw the posts, wich is faceshusly called feedin em post-oats.
Hosses hev bin known to die from too libral allowances uv this kind uv
fodder. Alas! wat a strikin picter this pome presents uv a Bookannon
post-master. Alas!
-- 322 -- p631-321
XCII. MEETS A “RECONSTRUCTID SUTHERN SHIVELRY, AND HEZ CONFIDENCES. ”
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
July the 12th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 322.[end figure description]
I hev bin in Washinton, and while ther I wuz
interdoost to Gineral Marion Sumpter Fitzhoo
Gusher, uv Mississippy. I wuz anxious 2 meet
with a representativ Dimekrat uv the South, 2
interchange views, to hev soothin confidencis, to
unbuzzum, becoz for the past 4 yeers the Dimekratik
party hez bin trooly seckshnal, and the
seckshun it hez okkepied is not the identikle
seckshun onto wich the orfises is lokatid, and only
by a perfeck union with our wunst-loved brethren
uv the South, kin we ever git onto trooly nashnel
ground.
Gineral Gusher is a troo gentleman of the raal
Suthern skool. He puts C. S. A. arter his name
onto the hotel register, and his rings, buzzum-pin,
and the hed uv his cane, is all made uv the bones
uv mizable Yankee soldiers who fell at Bull
Run—he sez by his own hand, and it must be so,
for who ever knode a Suthern man to boast
-- 323 --
[figure description] Page 323.[end figure description]
vaingloriously? We met and embraced, weepin profoosely.
“Alars!” sobbed the Gineral, “wat a nitemare
hez obskoord our respective vishuns for the past
4 yeers! I wuz alluz a Union man, alluz! alluz!
alluz! The old flag I lovd with more nor parental
affeckshun—2 me it wuz more nor life!”
“Why, then, my Ajacks,” sobbed I, “did you
raise your parisidle hand agin it?”
“Why, my beloved! Because MY STAIT
secesht, and I wuz carried along by a torrent uv
public opinion, wich I cood not stem, and I went
with her. But it 's all over. We hev awoke,
and I 'm here in the capital uv my beloved country,
under the shadder uv that glorious flag wich
is the pride uv Americans and the terror uv all
weak nashens wich hez territories contiguous,
reddy to taik a oath, and resoom the citizenship
I laid orf, and agin run the guverment for its own
honor and glory.”
“Hev yoo a pardon?” says I. “Methinks,
wunst a paper reecht my humble village, wich is
unanimously Dimekratik—it cum around a package
of goods from Noo York—and in that paper
I saw your name ez wun uv the orfisers who
killed the niggers at Fort Piller. Am I rite?”
“You air. I 'm a gushin child uv nacher—I 'm
-- 324 --
[figure description] Page 324.[end figure description]
enthoosiastic. Labrin under the same deloosion
that secesht us, I bleevd at that time that I wuz
doin a good thing in killin them property uv ours
that Linkin hed shovd bloo kotes onto. I hev no
apologies to offer—I am now writin a justificashen.
“I, and I speek for thousands uv the shivelrous
sons uv the South, who would like a good
square meal wunst more, am willin to be consiliatid.
The oppertoonity is now offered the guverment
to consiliate us. We are returnin prodygle
sons—kill yoor fattid veel, and bring out yoor
gold rings and purple robes, and sich. We ask
condishns—we shel insist on terms; but we air
disposed to be reasonable. We are willin to acknoledge
the soopremacy uv the guverment, but
there must be no humiliashen. A proud, highspiretid
people, like us uns, won't stand it—no
sir, we can not. Ther must be no hangin, no confisticashen,
no disfranchisin. We are willin to
step back jest as we stept out, resoomin our old
status, trustin to engineerin to git sech uther pints
ez air not here enoomeratid. Without them condishns,
the Union wood not be wun uv hart—
't wood be holler mockery. Wat we are goin for
is a Union foundid on luv, wich is strongerer and
more soldier than muskits. Harts is trumps—let
the platform be harts, and all is well.”
-- 325 --
[figure description] Page 325.[end figure description]
“But, Gineral,” sez I, “in all this wat do yoo
perpose for us Northern Dimekrats?”
“Towards them our bowils melt with luv. We
forgive yoo. Ef yoo kin take the old attitood,
well and good—ef not”—
“Hold!” sez I, “do n't threat. A ginooine
Northern Dimekrat wants but little here below,
but wants that little long. Give him a small
post-orfis, a nigger-driver to look up to, and a
nigger to look down to, and he is soopreemly
happy. Ef a angel in glory wuz two offer 2 trade
places with him, harp, golden crown and all, he
would ask odds.”
“Uv course them positions yoo kin hev—we
do n't want em. All we ask is to make the platforms,
and hev sich orfises ez hawty, high-toned
men kin afford 2 take, and yoo uns kin hev the
rest.
“But wun thing must be understood. The
scenes uv the Charleston Convention must never
be re-enactid—their must be no more Duglissis.
Under the new dispensashun yoo dance whenever
we fiddle, askin no questions. The Suthern hart
must never agin be fired—it would consume itself.
“Ez soon ez I hev took the oath, I shel immejitly
go hum and run for Congris—see to it that
ye hev enuff Dimekrats ther, that we, jintly, kin
-- 326 --
[figure description] Page 326.[end figure description]
control things. Uv coarse, in a Union uv luv,
ther must be equality. Linkin's war debt must
never be pade, onless ourn is; his hirelins must
never be pensioned, unless our patriots is. Wat
a deliteful spectacle! Men, who, yisterday, wuz
a gougin eech other onto the feeld of battle, to-day
a drawin penshuns amikably, from the same treasury!
The eagle wood flop his wings with goy,
and angels wood exclame, “Bully!” I am disabled
from wounds received on the feeld, and rejoice
that our penshun laws is so libral.
“Go home, my frend, and marshel for the conflict.
Tell yoor centrel committis to collect expense
munny, and I, and Ginral Forist, and
Kernel Moseby, and Champ Ferguson, and Dick
Turner, and Boregard, and perhaps that noble
old hero, (take orf yoor hat while I pernounce his
gellorus name,) Ginral Robert E. Lee, will cum
up and stump the North for yoor tikits. I hev
dun. I go.”
“Noble man,” thot I, ez he stalkt magestically
away, takin, in a abstractin manner, my new hat
and umbreller, leavin his old wuns, “who coodent
foller thee, and sich ez thee, forever and forever?”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 327 -- p631-326
XCIII. “DREAMS A DREAM. ”
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, }
July the 21st, 1865.
[figure description] Page 327.[end figure description]
Dreems is becomin the most commonest recreation
I hev. I don't know whether these dreems
is the sperit uv prophecy, sugar-coated with sleep,
or whether they are sooperindoost by the reglar
three-quarters uv a pound uv tripe I eat at about
11½ P. M.; but dreems I hev
Last nite I dreemed that I hed bridgd time,
and wuz set ahead about nine months, wich time
brings forth events in pollytiks, ez well ez in other
things too tejus to menshun.
Methot the South hed bin consilliatid and reconstructid,
and hed cum back into the sisterhood
uv Staits, ez sisters ginrally cum back after a
quarrel. South Carliny wuz representid in the
house by Ginral Swasher, and all the Rhetts, et
settry, and Missippy by a dozen or 2 kernels and
ginrals, for that Stait sent none to Congress ceptin
its heroes. Geffson Davis wuz a candidait, but
hevin sed, in his zeel for repudiashen, that he
wuz for repudiatin all debts, his constitooency wuz
-- 328 --
[figure description] Page 328.[end figure description]
afraid that he mite inclood the Confedrit war
debt, so they defeeted him, and electid Ginral
McGoujum, who held that the Fedral war debt
wuz unconstooshnel, and must be repudiatid, while
the Confederasy's hed ought to be paid ez a consilatory
measure. The ginooine Dimokrasy uv
the North hed electid enuff members to give the
South control uv Congris.
In my dreem I wuz seatid in the gallery uv the
House. A member frum Noo York wuz introdoosin
a bill appropriatin a sum uv money for
the purpose uv erectin a monument to the memory
uv the Union soljers who fell at Gettysburg.
No sooner hed the fanatic red the title uv the
bill, than Ginral McGoujum and Swasher, and
Kernel Pelter, uv Georgy, walked over to his seet,
and with their canes beet him over the hed twenty
or fifteen minits. He wuz carried out for ded.
Ginral McGoujum claimd the floor.
“Mr. Speeker,” sed he, “I 'm bilin! Indignashen
is a heevin and tossin my shivelrus sole in
a most tremenjusly toomulchus stile. I am, Mr.
Speeker, a cittyzen uv this gellorus Republic. I
stand here, 2-day reconstructid and consillyatid—
a loyal man. I hev took the oath, and sence hev
violatid no rool or custom uv this House. I hev
drawd my pay promptly—I hev even wented so
-- 329 --
[figure description] Page 329.[end figure description]
fur in the sperit uv fergivenis and Christian charity,
ez to take that pay in greenbax, instid uv demandin
gold, notwithstandin every wun uv em
bears the portrait uv that feendish ape, that
thirster after gore, that destroyer uv habis corpusis
and constooshnel rites, our late lamentid
President. After makin these sacrificis, shel I
sit here camly, and allow a negro-steelin Yankee
to insult the South with alloosions to Gettysburg,
and sich? Never! Shel a Noo York missegennygenashunist,
in this ere hall, perpose 2 appropriate
the treasure uv our common country to
commemorate a field on wich my constitooency
wuz walloped, without rebuke? Never! He hez
bin rebuked—let him heed the warnin.”
Several Ablishn members riz, but the Dimokrasy
wuz firm, and woodent let em speek. The
Southern members wuz a goin to withdraw in a
body, wen Fernandywood rose and perposed a
compermise, ez follows:
That harmony and good feelin shood prevale,
hentz4th and forever.
The word “war” shel never be yoosed in these
hall; that, whenever referred to, it shel be termed
“misunderstandins.”
That the flags, cannon, and sich-like trophies,
-- 330 --
[figure description] Page 330.[end figure description]
found by the Fedral army in various parts uv the
Southern Staits, be to wunst destroyed.
That penshuns be pade to the misunderstandinists
from both sekshuns, for servises renderd
the guverment.
That the very fields on2 wich these misunderstandins
occurred, be plowed over at the expense
uv the guverment.
That no book be publisht givin any akount uv
prison-life, or sich.
That bunkum orators in this House draw their
alloosions to our military fame solely from the
Mexikin war.
The compermise wuz uv coarse adoptid. Ez
the vote wuz announst, Ginral McGoujum and Fernandywood
rusht in2 eech uther's arms, and wept
down eech uther's bax, while Kernel Pelter waved
a flag over em, formin a picter trooly tetchin.
“Thank hevin,” I exclaimed, ez I awoke frum
this refreshin sleep, “Brooks is ded, but his sperit
still lives—his sole is marchin on. So long ez
we hev a Southern Dimokrasy to demand, and a
Northern Dimokrat to give, all will be well.
Bless the Lord!”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 331 -- p631-330
XCIV. SONNIT-2 WHISKY.
[figure description] Page 331.[end figure description]
RITTEN WILE UNDER THE INFLOOENSE THEREOF, OCCASIONALLY
WETTIN MY LIPS WITH THE SAIM.
Whisky, all hale! frum erlyest boyhood, I
Hev ardently admired thy qwalities;
Thowst cloathd my mind with strength—my noze in richest
dyes—
Hale, Whisky, hale! hale, potent son uv Rye!*
When wuss grows wuss, and bad enuff gits badder,
When trubble's waivs across me buzm role,
A nip uv thee expands my shrunken sole,†
Ez wind blowd thro a qwill expands a bladder.
Water is good‡—no man uv sense denies it—
Search thro all nacher and yoo will not meet
A artikle so good for washin feet;
But ez a bevridge—faugh! I despise it.
My stumick turns, and for releef I fly
To thee, eckstract uv corn—2 thee, Red-eye!
eaf631n6* Alludin to the pleasant fickshun that whisky is made uv rye, wich is
not, by no menes—on the contrary, uv korn.
eaf631n7† A poetikle ijee, expressin how “Nacher's grate restorer” will coz a
indivijjle 2 spred hisself.
eaf631n8‡ Wile givin prefrence to my nachrel sustenanse, I do not deny that
yoosis may be made uv uther flooids, wich is librel.
-- 332 -- p631-331
XCV. ISSUES AN ADDRESS TO THE SOUTHERN DEMOCRACY.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
July the 21st, 1865.
[figure description] Page 332.[end figure description]
To the Dimokrasy uv the Suthern Staits:
Deerly beloved, I saloot yoo!
The evence uv the past 4 yeers hev bin momenchus.
The war hez ended—to a sooperfishel
observer it wood seem disastrusly to yoo and us,
but to him whose eagle eye kin pierce the misty
fucher, gellorusly.
Troo, we lost the orfises, and hev bin for 4 long
and weery yeers on steril ground, whose froots
wuz wormy and whose water wuz bitter. So the
children uv Izrel wandered forty yeers in the wildernis,
but they finelly found a Canan, full uv fatnis,
runnin with milk and honey, and sich, so shel
we emerge into our Canan ere long.
The war hez hed its uses. We hev diskivered
that the Suthern Dimekrat cood be dependid on
to fite; yoo hev diskivered that the Northern
Dimekrat cood be depended on to do yoor dirty
work, thro thick or thin, and we hev both diskivered
that the Ablishnist is no coward, and will
-- 333 --
[figure description] Page 333.[end figure description]
reely make sacrifices for principle. Knowin all
this, we kin work intelligently in the fucher.
It is the dooty now uv every Suthern Dimekrat
to take the oath, to wunst, and be metamorphozd
in2 loyalty. Then we 've got em. Demand, ez
only a Sutherner kin demand, that the military
be withdrawd, and that yoor representatives be
admitted. Then, ef we kin carry enuff deestriks
North, yoo hev the game in yoor own hand. But
to accomplish this last feet, yoo must aid us.
We hev bin unforchnit in our politikle venchers,
and at leest wun uv our prophecies must
cum troo, utherwise how kin we go afore the people?
The nigger is all we 've left, and the variety
we hev up here is uv no yoose to us, for they
are all earnin their own livin, and ain't crowdin
white folks out uv poor-houses, at all. It 's my
candid convickshun that the grovelin cusses work
and earn munny, jest 2 spite us. In sum localities,
our sagashus managers hev indoost sum uv
em to drink with em, and in a few months got em
into delirium tremens, and their families in2 poor-houses.
To their untuterd bowels our likker is
litenin. But this can't be dun ginrally, becoz it 's
all our leeders kin do to keep their own skins full.
To yoo we look for aid.
A enterprisin Yankee (cusses on the race!) wuz
-- 334 --
[figure description] Page 334.[end figure description]
wunst askt wat biznis he followd to make so much
munny. He replide that he hed the itch, and he
traveld ahed, givin it to people, his brother comin
immejitly after, sellin a cure. Let us imitait
their wisdom. Promptly ship to eech Northern
stait 200,000 old wuns who can't work, and to
make asshoorence doubly shoor, starve em awhile,
and run the measles and small-pox thro em. Mix
with em a few thousand black wimmen with mulatter
children, to show the horrors uv amalgamashun.
Then we 'd hev suthin to go on! Ez
we carted em in2 poor-houses, and levid taxis to
support em, how our speekers wood gush! how
our papers wood howl! After 4 yeers uv failyoor
in the prophecy biznis, the ijee uv hevin
wun cum troo, sets me into a delirium tremens uv
goy.
Then, immejitly, yoor legislachers must pass
stringent laws agin a nigger leavin his respective
county, and then pass another law not allowin
any man to give able-bodied wuns to exceed $5 a
month. This dun, I hev faith to bleeve thousands
uv em will beg to be agin enslaved, about mid
winter. Ef they will persist in dyin in freedom,
we kin, at least, pint 2 ther bodis, and say in a
sepulkrel tone: “Wen niggers wuz wuth $1500,
they wuz not allowd to die thus—behold the froots
-- 335 --
[figure description] Page 335.[end figure description]
uv Ablishn philanthropy!” Either way, it 's cappitle
for us.
Yoo must inkulkate the doctrin uv State Rites,
zeluser than ever, and while yoo air gittin yoor
peeple tuned up on that, we 'll hammer away at
debt and corupshun, and sich deliteful themes,
and wunst more we 'll git the Ablishnist under
our feet.
I hev indikatid breefly the ginral outlines uv
the polisy we must pursoo ef we wood succeed.
Uther ijees will sejest themselves to yoo—let us
hev em, and we 'll act on em.
In conclooshun. Be wary and untirin. Remember,
on yoo depends the politikle forchoons
uv the thousands who wunst held offis, but who
hev bin to grass for 4 long weery yeers. We
must succeed now or never.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 336 -- p631-335
XCVI. SEARCHES THE SCRIPTURES, AND GETS COMFORT THEREFROM.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
August the 11th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 336.[end figure description]
The contemplashen uv the nigger hez, in time
past, given me a grate deel uv trouble. Nigger
hez to me bin a inkubus—a nitemare. I never
cood see why the species wuz created; never cood
I understand why they wuz put onto the face uv
the earth, any more than toads or other disgustin
obgecks. But last nite a lite bust onto me—I
seed it all!
I wuz low-sperited and deprest. Jeff Davis a
pinin in a loathsum dungun—the English cappitalists
a mournin for their cotton-bonds, and refusin
to be comforted because the Confedrasy is
not—Mrs. Surratt a danglin in the air—military
courts plenty and habis corpusis skarce—the loosenis
with wich peeple put ther munny into 7-30's—
the soljers returnin and goin for constooshnel
Dimekrats, and the ginral demoralization uv Dimokrasy,
all conspired to give me the horrors, and
to add to my distress, the jug wuz out! To avoid
madnis, I took up the Bible, (I board with a justice
-- 337 --
[figure description] Page 337.[end figure description]
uv the peace, who hez to keep one to sware witnesses
on,) and happend to open at the 9th chapter
uv Jennysis. Yoo know all about that blessid
chapter.
Noer, after the water went down, cum down
from Aryrat, went into farmin, and planted grapes
extensive. One day he took a nip too much, and
laid down with insuffishent clothin onto him. His
2d son, Ham, seed him in that fix, and when Noer
awoke, while his hair wuz still pullin, he cust
him, and his posterity, and sed they shood be
servance forever.
Ham (wich in the original Hebrew signifies a
hind-quarter uv a hog,) wuz the father uv the
Afrikins, and they hev bin slaves ever sence.
I seed a lite to wunst—I realized the importance
uv the nigger. He is the connectin link in
the chane uv circumstances wich led to the formashen
uv the Dimekratic party. He hez kept the
blessid old masheen a runnin to this day.
Observe.
Whisky (or wine, wich is the same thing,)
made Noer tight.
Ham seed Noer inebriated.
Noer cust Ham, wich turned him into a nigger
and a servant.
That the Skripters mite be fulfilled, the
-- 338 --
[figure description] Page 338.[end figure description]
childern uv Ham wuz brot to Amerika, to be servance
here.
Wikkid men set themselves agin the Skripters,
and tried to make men uv the niggers.
The Dimekratik party ariz for the purpus uv
keepin the nigger down, and that deliteful biznis
hez given them employment for mor'n 30 yeers.
Ez I shet the book I cood not help remarkin,
in the words uv the sammist:
“Good Lord, upon what slender threds
Hang everlastin things!”
Sposin Noer, instid uv plantin grapes, hed gone
to practisin law, or into the grocery biznis, or
buyin prodoose on commishn, or puttin up patent
medicins—he woodent hev got inebriated;
he woodent hev cust Ham. Ham woodent hev
turned black; there woodent hev been no niggers,
no Ablishnists, and, consequently, no Dimekrats.
Or, sposn all uv Ham's children hed taken
diptheria, and died; the same results wood hev
follered.
Whisky made nigger—nigger made Dimokrasy.
Take away whisky and nigger, and Dimokrasy
woodent be uv no more akkount than a one-armed
man at a raisin.
-- 339 -- p631-338
[figure description] Page 339.[end figure description]
Whisky! Nigger! Dimokrasy! O, savory
trinity!
We do n't none uv read the Skripters enuff
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
XCVII. SUGGESTS A “PSALM OF SADNESS” FOR HIS FRIENDS SOUTH.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
September the 12th, 1865.
The utter and abgect state uv cussitood into
wich the Dimokrasy find theirselves, North and
South, makes a day uv fastin approprit. Ef the
Lord is ever a goin 2 help us, now 's his time.
Ef my clerikle brethrin uv the Church South
deside to appint a day uv fastin and prayer, I
submit the follerin ez a sam uv agony, approprit
for the occasion:
A SAM UV AGONY.
On the street I see a nigger!
On his back a coat uv bloo, and he carryeth a
muskit.
-- 340 --
[figure description] Page 340.[end figure description]
He is provo-guard, and he halteth me, ez wun
hevin authority.
And my tender daughter spit on him, and lo!
he arrested her, and she languisheth in the guardhouse.
My eyes dwell on him, an my sole is a Artesian
well uv wo; it gusheth with greef.
For that nigger wuz my nigger! I bought him
with a price.
Alas! that nigger is out uv his normal condishn;
he is a star out uv its speer, which sweepeth
thro the politikle hevens, smashin things.
Normally, he wuz wuth gold and silver—now
he is a nitemare.
Wunst I wuz rich, and that nigger wuz the
basis thereof.
Wo is me! I owned him, sole, body, muscles,
sinoos, blood, boots, and brichis.
His intellek wuz mine, his body wuz mine, likewise
his labor and the froots thereof.
His wife wuz mine, and she wuz my conkebine.
The normal results uv the conkebinage I sold,
combining pleasure and profit in a eminent degree.
And on the price thereof I played poker, and
drank mint-gooleps, and rode in gorgus chariots,
and wore purple and fine linen every day.
-- 341 --
[figure description] Page 341.[end figure description]
Wuz this miscegenashun, or negro equality?
Not any. For she wuz mine, even as my ox, or
my horse, or my sheep, and her increase wuz
mine, even as wuz theirs.
Ablishn miscegenashun elewates the nigger
wench to his level. I did it for gain, wich degraded
her muchly.
And when the wife of my buzm lifted up her
voice in complaint, sayin, “Lo, I am abused—this
little nigger resembleth thee!” half the price uv
the infant chattel wood buy a dimund pin with
wich to stop her yawp.
And my boys follered in my footsteps, and grate
wuz the mix, but profitable.
But my dreem is bustid.
The nigger is free, and demands wages for the
work uv his hands.
His wife is free, and she kin decide whether
she 'll cleave to her husband, or be my conkebine.
Yisterday I bade her come to me, and, lo! she
remarkt, “Go 'way, white man, or I 'll bust yer
hed.”
And I gode.
Her childern are free—they are mine, likewise,
but I can't sell em on the block, to the highest
bidder.
-- 342 --
[figure description] Page 342.[end figure description]
Therein Linkin sinned—he violatid the holiest
and highest instinks uv our nacher; he interposed
a proclamashen atween father and child.
We took the heathen from Afreka, and wuz a
makin Christians uv em. Wo to him who stopt
us in our mishnary work.
It is written—“Kin the Ethiope change his
skin?” I wuz a changin it for him, I and my
fathers, and we hed mellerd it down to a brite
yaller.
Dark is my fucher.
I obeyed the grate law uv labor, ez I served in
the army, by substitoot. Now shel I hev to stane
my hands with labor, or starve.
In what am I better than a Northern mudsill?
I kin git no more dimund pins for the wife uv
my buzm, and she yawpeth continyooaly.
Arrayd in hum-spun, she wrastles with pots and
kettles in the kitchen.
Weighed down with wo, she dips snuff in silence.
She asks uv me comfort—wat kin I say, whose
pockits contane only Confedrit skrip?
Save us from Massychusits, wich is ornery and
cussid.
Protect us from nigger soljers, wich is grinnin
feends.
-- 343 -- p631-342
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Shelter us from the ghost uv John Brown, wich
is marchin on.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
XCVIII. HAS A DREAM WHICH UNVEILS THE FUTURE.
[Note to the Reader.—The follerin vision hez no alloosion watever to
pollyticks, or to the state uv our wunst happy but now distractid country.
The dreem, however, made a impression on my susceptible mind, and I
fling it to the world. Ef one individooal is reclaimed from the paths uv
selfish sin, and indoost to meander in the smooth and narrer ways uv
self-sacrificin goodnis, I am rewarded for the labor uv puttin it on paper.—
P. V. N.]
I dreemed last nite that I hed shuffled off this
mortal coil, and wuz in the land uv the hereafter.
Methawt I wuz decently deceest, hed bin genteelly
buried, and a toom-stun, on wich wuz inscribed
enuff virchoos to furnish a dozen saints, hed bin
erected to my memry. I blusht a sperit blush
when I red that stun, and diskiverd what a eggsemplary
man I hed bin. Likewise, a auction wuz
made uv my estate, wich wuz incloodid in a red
bandanner trunk.
My sperit hed ascendid, and I wuz at the outer
gate uv heven, knockin for admittance. The
-- 344 --
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season hed bin a pekooliarly helthy wun, and ez the
doorkeeper hed n't much to do, while my case wuz
bein decidid on, I amoozed myself ascertainin the
wherabouts uv my old acquaintances who hed deceast
doorin the past ten yeers.
“Got enny quantity uv my old frends up here?”
sez I, inquirinly.
“Not menny,” sez he.
“Deekin Smathers is here, I spose?” sez I.
“Not enny,” sez he.
“Why,” sez I, “the deekin wuz the heftiest
man we hed at a prayer, and no deekin cood be
more zelus in keepin the congregashun strate.”
“Troo,” sed he, “but, alars! the deekin kept his
eagle-eye fixt so intently on his naber's feet, that
his own got off the road, and when he pulled up,
't want at the place he calkilatid on. His prayers
wuz pleasin, but ez they was n't backed up by
DOIN things in proportion, they did n't pass current
up here.”
“How about Elder Black? He wuz a charitable
soul—no man give more to the poor than
him.”
“The elder give away much money, but it
did n't do him no good. The trooth is, the elder,
in his younger days, made up his mind to git
rich and be a good man both. He 'd give a
-- 345 --
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widder a ten-dollar note, and to make it up wood
charge a workman that amount for tools broken
in his servis. He 'd swindle his naber out uv his
eye-teeth in wat yoo call biznis, down below, and
compromise with his religion by subscribin onetenth
uv the profits to a mishnary society. Compermisin
don't work in religion—the compermiser
gives to the devil suthin uv valyoo, and reseeves
in return that wich damns him. His swindlins
and cheatins and oppressions wuz eggsakly balanst,
in number, by his charities; but, ez he died
wuth a half a million, the swindlin side wuz the
heaviest in quality. We keep books very akerit,
up here.”
“Wher is good sister Muckum? She 's all rite,
anyhow.”
“Considrably not. The old lady bleevd in the
doctrin uv eleckshun, to-wit: that she wuz elected
2 be saved, and evry body else wuz elected to be
damned. She used to confess, in her prayers,
that she wuz a poor, mizable sinner, but she
did n't bleeve a word uv it. She meant her nabers,
all the time.”
“Deekin Kitt is”—
“No he is n't. His nose wuz too red. The lessons
he used to give his fellows on the subgeck
uv temprance, et settry, he never practist hisself,
-- 346 --
[figure description] Page 346.[end figure description]
He hed a favorit door, and behint that door he
sucked—not a honest suck—he tride to deseeve
hisself. He loved sperits, but he spent fifteen
yeers a tryin faithfully to convince hisself that he
hed dispepsy, and needed whisky, reglar, to keep
him up. He fooled hisself down there, but up
here it 's another thing.”
“Sister Swan, who writ them speritooal hims
that wuz sung in all the Churches. Sich piety ez
prodoost them effoosions must be safe.”
“Agin wrong. Sister Swan writ beautiful hims;
but, my deer sir, she never felt them sentimence.
She wuz burnt up with a itchin after fame, and
sich, and writin speritooal hims happened to be
her best holt. Ef she 'd a knack uv writin comik
songs, she 'd hev writ em. Wun may write like
Watts, but to git where Watts is, he must do ez
Watts did. Yoo can't offset starvin servant girls
with writin speritooal hims, enny more than yoo
kin make speritooal hims take place uv the bred
and taters they ought to hev.”
“Squire McShinnegan”—
“Jined the Church to keep hisself bein continooally
Squire.”
“Bibney, the merchant”—
“Kep inside the pale uv the Church for trade,
but his body wuz all that wuz inside, and that
-- 347 --
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jumpt out every time he went to Noo York.
His sole wuz in his goods, and it 's gone where
his goods is.”
“Well, who hev yoo here?”
“Yoo mind that nigger blacksmith who hed a
pew in the back part uv the Church. He 's here.
He bleevd, honistly, and practist jest ez fur ez he
knew how. He did wrong evry day, but he alluz
repentid in good faith, and workt to dodge that
same sin the next day. He give librelly, without
blattin it all over creashun, and never paid twice
ez much to hev it publisht in the noozepapers ez
the gift amounted to, wich is a correct deffinishun
uv ginooine charity. Then ther 's Widder Mackintosh”—
“She never give nuthin.”
“Uv coarse she did n't, coz she hed n't it to
give. The Lord don't ask impossibilities. But
she wood hev give, willinly, ef she 'd hed it,
and that wuz all that wuz needed. Old Pete
Barker”—
“He coodent make a prayer.”
“Sartinly not; but he sed Amen to them ez
cood, and while he alluz meant it, them ez made
em did n't, half the time. Then we hev Amos
Petter, who divided his last half bushel uv taters
with the pauper the township woodent take keer
-- 348 --
[figure description] Page 348.[end figure description]
uv—Abram Vandoosen, who nurst the poor when
the small-pox wuz ragin, twelve yeers ago, and
sum uthers. Yoo 've seen sky-rockets. They ascend
with much fiz, and make a magnificent show;
but, alars! afore they reach the skies they bust
and disappear in a sheet uv flame. Jes so with
yoor loud professors and poor practisers. They
cavort beautiful; but they, too, bust afore they
reach hevin, and go down in2 a sheet uv flame.
Yoor ginooine Christian is a arrow. Tipped with
faith—feathered with works—death shoots him off,
he pierces the clouds, and lands on the rite side
uv Jordan.”
At this juncter I awoke. I shoodent wonder ef
a heep uv people wuz a foolin theirselves.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 349 -- p631-348
XCIX. OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF SOLDIERS.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
August the 31st, 1865.
[figure description] Page 349.[end figure description]
Ther wuz wunst a doctor who hed a pashent
he wuz a physikin. While the physik wuz a
workin, he changed his mind and administerd a
vomick. The pashent's stumick wuz in wat mite
be cald a dilemmer. The physik wuz a pullin
down, the vomick wuz a pullin up, and the poor
bowels, undecided wich to foller, allowed the diseese
to fasten itself, when either wood hev expelled
it. The pashent died, and I am happy to
state that his estate wuz insolvent, and the ijeotik
physician did n't git his bill.
Jest so. Dimokrasy got the stumick-ake when
the war commenst. Fernandywood administerd
the peace-puke, and Micklellan dosed it with warphysick.
The pashent is neerly ded, and neither
doctor will get rich out uv the assets.
I notice all over the North, Dimekratik convenshuns
are nominatin returned soljers for offis,
wherever they kin ketch one who will accept,
and ther 's but little trouble, for in every county
-- 350 --
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ther 's orfisers who went in2 the servis becoz uv
pay, who Ablishnized theirselves for continyooance,
and who 'll flop back to us on the most reasonable
terms.
I hev persnel motives for objectin. Last winter
these demons were to home on furlo. Twenty
uv em cum to my peeseful dwellin, at the ded hour
uv nite, ceased my venrable form and dragged
me 4th. They made me kneel into the cold
snow, on my nakid knees, and with one hand upliftid,
and my shirt-tale a wavin in the wind, they
made me take the oath, and drink a pint uv water.
The oath give me inflammashen uv the brane,
and the water inflammashen uv the bowels, and
for six weeks I lay, a ravin maniac.
I cood overlook this, for the Dimekrat who
woodent sacrifice his agid grandmother for the
party, is unworthy the name; but I object to nominatin
them, for the follerin reasons also:
1. Taint honist. In 1862 I called the soljers
“Linkin purps,” and the orfisers “sholder-strapt
hirelins,” and I meant it. They wuz wagin a
crooil and unholy war agin Dimokrasy; they wuz
redoosin our magorities in the Suthern Staits at
the rate uv sum hundreds per day, and now to
nominate them, is a flop I 'll never make.
2. 'T won't pay. These fellers sold us out when
-- 351 --
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they took commishns; they sold out the Ablishnists
when they flopt back to us, and what guaranty
hev we that they wont sell us out, the next
turn uv the wheel? Ef we cood git sum decent
wuns it mite do; but, good Lord! the soljer who
wood do this wood be lower down than we is, wich
wood bother a man. All the votes that sich men
cood controle, we hev alluz owned in fee-simple.
3. Taint justis 2 us originel Copperheds. We
endoored the heat and burden uv the day; we resistid
drafts; we damned taxes; we wuz Fort Lafayeted
and Fort Warined; 'twas us who died in
our door-yards. Wher wuz these orfisers then?
All the damage they dun the guverment wuz in
drawin pay and rashens.
4. The reconstructid Dimokrasy uv the South
won't like it, and to them, after all, we must look
for success.
5. They acknowledged nigger equality, by allowin
niggers to fite with em.
6. We hev gone too fur to try the soljer-dodge.
We opposed the war; we opposed ther votin; we
opposed the Ablishn in votin pay and supplies,
we opposed aid societies, and laft at sanitary commishns;
we opposed drafts at a time when they
needed help; and to go back on sich a record is
ruther renchin, and I won't do it.
-- 352 --
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7. Ef we undertake the soljer, we commit ourselves
to payin his penshuns, et settry. How
wood the Suthern Dimokrasy like that?
8. Ef we nominate men who servd, we disgust
the deserters and them ez went to Canady for the
sake uv the coz.
We hev cappytle enuff in the nigger. Let us
plant ourselves boldly on shoor ground. Let us
resolve that Goddelmity wuz rite in makin the
nigger our slave, tho he made a mistake in implantin
in his heevin buzm a cronic desire to run
away from his normal condishn. Let us hang out
our banner, and inscribe on its folds, “No marryin
niggers!” “No payin a debt inkurd in a nigger
war!” “Protect us from nigger equality!” and
sich other precepts ez cum within range uv the
Dimekratik intellek, and go in and win.
May the Lord hasten the day.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 353 -- p631-352
C. SONNIT-2 HANNER ANN.
[figure description] Page 353.[end figure description]
RITTEN AT THE AGE UV 17, UNDER A STAIT UV HIGH
MENTLE EGGSITEMENT.
Sweet sample case uv loveliness! O, paragon!
From nite wuz stol'n the color uv thy eyes and kurls;*
Thy skin from alibaster, and thy teeth from pearls,
You 'm all the graces, melted in2 one.
It 's pure presumpshun, Hanner, I 'm afrade,
For me to cast my eye so fur above me;
But, sweet wun, ef yoo wait for wun to love ye,
Whose worthy uv ye—ah! you 'll die a maid.†
My love 's a little stream, a runnin all alone;
Yoors is another—now, sweet maid, let 's say
That Hymen's matrimonial spade shel dig away
The bank atween us, and the 2 unite in one!
Wat happinis! Wat goy! The dreem sets me afire,
Sweet Hanner, make it real, and then let me expire!‡
eaf631n9* By this the reeder will immejitly perseeve her hair and eyes is
black. They is black—blacker nor the “the staitly raving uv the days
uv yore,” ez Poe remarkt.
eaf631n10† This compliment, so deliketly and artfully interdoost, wuz intendid
ez a staggrer. While her sooperiority over all others is conceded, while
she plooms herself on the acknollijment, the hidjus prospek uv her dyin
a old maid is brot to her mind's eye.
eaf631n11‡ In the eckstatik strane—yooseful before marriage, but uv no akkount
after. People wood be drivlin ijeots 2 be willin to die, jest ez ther hopes
wuz realized.
-- 354 -- p631-353
CI. MEETS A PARDONED REBEL, WHO ENLIGHTENS HIM.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, }
September the 21st, 1865.
[figure description] Page 354.[end figure description]
Ginral Boanerges Pogram, uv Mississippy,
who demonstrated his devoshun to the grate
prinsiples uv constooshnel liberty, by servin the
Confedrisy as a commissary, wrote me to meet
him in Washinton. He hed jest reseeved his
pardon, and the fust yoose he made uv his privileges,
wuz to cum to Washinton to meet me for
consultashen on the hopes and prospex uv the
Dimokrasy.
Ginral Pogram is a fine specimen uv the ginooine,
shivelrus Sutherner. Six feet 2 inches in
hite, he kin chaw more terbacker, spit with
greater accooracy, and walk uprite under a bigger
lode uv strate whisky than any man I ever
met. A unsofistikatid child uv nacher, he scorns
the polish and sham uv wat is called civilization.
Never shel I forgit the litenin-glanse uv contempt
he darted at me, when I askt him to qualify his
whisky with a little water!
Ginral Pogram opened by lamentin the un
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-- --
[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]
-- 357 --
[figure description] Page 357.[end figure description]
timely decease uv so many Suthern voters, in the
late diabolikle war Linkin and his helyuns made
upon em.
I replied, to wunst, that that deficit cood be
easily made up. “I hev,” sez I, “bin a considrin
this matter. At a triflin expenditoor uv money
the tide uv emigrashen from Europe kin be turnd
Southward, and the places uv yoor slawterd heroes
be filled with the Irishman, the German,
the”—
“Liar! theef! murdrer! nigger-steeler!” shoutid
the Ginral, seezin me by the throte, and brandishin
his cane over me.
Fallin on my knees, (formin a tablow, the
“Yoonyun ez it wuz,”) I gaspt,
“Why this violence?”
“O, nuthin,” replied the Ginral, relaxin his
holt, “I shel be electid to Congris, and ez I shel
hev to mix with yoo Yankees, I wuz a practisin
the old tacktix, jist to git my hand in agin. Wuz
yoo afeerd? Bless yoor sole, we woodent kill a
Northern Dimekrat for no money—we need em.
“But,” continnerd he, “this emigrashen skeem
uv yoorn won't work. Yer Irishman and yer
German wood work, but they 'd want wages!”
“Wal!” sez I, astoundid, not seein wat he wuz
drivin at.
-- 358 --
[figure description] Page 358.[end figure description]
“Can't yoo see,” sez he. “They 'd earn money,
they 'd save it. Our habits is expensive, and now
that nigger-breedin is dun away with, we can't
sell a half dozen niggers per annum, to keep up
our expenses. Alas! (teers suffused his beemin
eyes, ez he spoke) the last nigger I sold wuz ez
white ez yoo are; my son Tom wuz her father,
and I got $2,500 for her in Mobeel, when she wuz
16. I sold her to the Presdent uv the Suthern
Sosiety for the covershn uv the heathn. I knockt
a hundred off the price uv the gal, on that account.
But to resoom.
“The furriner works, and saves suthin. We
won't work, can't sell no more niggers, and git
hard up, and hev to sell land to furriners. Then,
he 's OUR EKAL! and wat becums uv the anshent
shivelry?”
“But,” sez I, “yoo hed the poor whites among
yoo afore the war. What wuss wood a furriner
be?”
“Them poor whites wuz a pekoolyer class; we
kep em coz we hed to hev em to vote. We allowd
em to squat on our lands, never let em learn
2 read, and kep ther skins full uv cheep whisky.
When wun uv em got to know too much, we
either killed him or sent him North, keepin
among us jest sech ez we wantid. With our poor
-- 359 --
[figure description] Page 359.[end figure description]
whites doin our votin at hum, yoo Dimekrats doin
it up North, and the niggers doin our labor, trooly
we wuz a favord peeple.”
“But who are yoo goin to git to do yoor labor?”
“The nigger.”
“But yoo 'll hev to pay him wagis!”
“Not much. The Northern legislachers are a
passin laws agin their comin there, so they can't
git away from us, and jest ez soon ez the thrice-accursed
hirelin soljers are withdrawd, our laws
is in force, and then wat good is a nigger's contract
to him? Methinks the cuss uv Kanan is
still onto him, Linkin to the contrary notwithstandin.
I shel be kind to mine—I shel pay the
able-bodied field-hands $4 per month, mechaniks
say $6. Uv coarse, ef furriners kin compete with
em, and work for less, we 'll take em, pervided
they 'll be ez umble.
“The nigger wuz made to be a slave. God
cust Kanan, and sed he shood be a servant forever.
Did he mean us to pay em wages? Not
enny; for ef he had, he wood hev ordered our
tastes and habits so ez we shood hev hed the
wherewithal to do it.
“Nasby,” sed he, a pausin to drain the bottle,
and rollin his ize uppards, “I am the child uv a
pious parence, and never, no, never, will I depart
-- 360 --
[figure description] Page 360.[end figure description]
from their faith. God cust the nigger, and I will
do my part, manfully, toward carryin out His
will. Watever betides us, the sons uv Ham must
be the servance uv the sons uv Japheth, and their
dawters likewise, that the Skripter shel be fulfilled.”
I partid with that grate and good man, my
mind full uv the neerly white gals he owned, and
determined, ere long, to be assistin uv him in fulfillin
that part uv the Skripter.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 361 -- p631-360
CII. THE WISE OLD RAT.
A CLASSIKLE FABLE, DESINED 2 ILLUSTRAIT THE IJEE UV
“PLUCKIN THE FLOWER SAFETY FROM THE NETTLE DANGER.”
AFTER ÆSOP, WHO WUZ HEVY ON FABLES.
[figure description] Page 361.[end figure description]
Wunst upon a time, a wise old rat, whose gray
hares showd concloosivly to the most ordinary intellek
the wisdom that yeers and experense kin
only give, startid out a foragin for the wants uv
his luvd wuns 2 hum.
He had n't bin ingaged in this ardoous dooty
but a short time, when he wuz surroundid by a
small, but intensely wickid boy, who 2 wunst give
chase. The wise old rat, not hevin bin a home
gard, run, and in runnin fell in2 a dry cistern,
wich wuz about 17 feet deep. It wuz jest dark,
and the boy, seezin a shingle, huv it at him. It
mist its aim, and he wuz about heevin a brick,
wen he bethunk hisself thus:
“Hold,” sez he, “he can't git out. I will let
him stay, and to-morrer I 'll hist Nip, my tarrier,
in, and it 'll be hunky fun 2 see him kill him.”
Upon wich, with a sardonic grin orespredin
-- 362 --
[figure description] Page 362.[end figure description]
his utherwise intellektooal countenanse, he strode
hawtily away.
The wales uv the entrapt wun soon brot 2
the spot his noomerus progeny and their mother.
In agony uv sperit, they wrung their paws and
cried—
“Bald-hed, cum up.”
“Verily, wood I,” sez he, “but how? No, no,
my childern—it 's all up with me. Let day-lite
return, and I 'm a goner. My time is short.
Bless yoo, wife uv my buzzum—bless yoo, produx
uv our chased luv. I hed hoped 2 hev lived
long enuff 2 hev tawt yoo the neetest way uv
chawin thro a cubberd, uv dodgin cats, and uv
suckin eggs, but fate is too menny for me—I
suckkum.”
At this momenchus crisis a hevy rane sot in.
“Now,” sez he, “I am shoorly gone. The cistern
will fill with water, and I shel drown. O,
horrid fate, that I shood live to be a drowndid
rat!”
The rane fell, and soon the bottom uv the cistern
wuz covered. In his despare he notist the
shingle a flotin, and in hopes uv prolongin his life
a few momence, he sprang onto it, and began disclosin
to his wife the locashen uv a cheeze he hed
discovered, when observin that the shingle bore
-- 363 --
[figure description] Page 363.[end figure description]
him, he stopt suddently. His wife begged him
to go on, and not let so important a sekrit die
with him.
“Shet up,” retorts he, in his anshent way; “ef
this rane holds out long enuff, I 'm ez good ez a
dozen ded rats.”
Shoor enuff, it did rane till the cistern wuz full,
the rat menetime flotin comfortably on the shingle.
When it wuz quite full, he paddled it to the
side with his fore-feet (steerin with his tale,) and
gaily sprang onto terry firmy, wich is Lattin for
dry land. * * *
That nite ther wuz goy in the habitashen uv
that rat. He gatherd his children about him, and
tellin em the story uv his advencher, moralizd
thus to em:
“Observ, my children, that blessins cum to us
very frekently in disgise. We murmer at terriers,
wich rend us with neetnis and dispatch.
But mark. Hed not that boy hed a rat terrier
he wood hev dispatched me with brix. Thus is
the evil desires uv the wickid made to work good
for the saints, uv whom I am which.
“How I dredid that shingle! Yet, but for that
shingle yoor dad wood hev bin a innanymait
corpse. Troo, I am entitled to credit for my
skill in dodgin it, but uv what avale wood hev
-- 364 --
[figure description] Page 364.[end figure description]
bin that skill hed I hed no opportoonity 2 exercise
it?
“The rane wuz 2 hev bin my destrucshen.
Blessid wuz the rane! The flud that wuz 2
overwhelm me, bore me on its buzzum 2 safety.
“In concloosion. Providense alluz furnishis
oppertoonities — he is trooly grate who hez the
branes 2 know the proper time to grab, and the
nerve to do it. Let Nil Despritrando be yer motto,
keep yer eers open, yer eyes peeled, and yer claws
sharp, and you 'll go thro life a sailin. Remember,
ther is no evil but is mixed with good; the
wise turn evil 2 good, while the foolish sink under
it. Bless yoo, my children—good-nite. I will
seek my couch.”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 365 -- p631-364
CIII. SONNIT-2 MY NOZE.
[figure description] Page 365.[end figure description]
WICH I HEV BIN COLORIN FOR MANY YEERS.
Mammoth probossis! My troo mirror shows
Thou fill 'st, at last, my yearnin hart's desires;
In size, you 'll do—in color, Ætna's fires
Can not compare with thee, resplendent noze!
Meershawm invertid! Glowing as the morn,
How many nips—nips—faw! Say galons, quarts,
Did it take to raise them great, gigantic warts?
Them bloo karbunkles, that thy fiery sides adorn?
Magestic organ! e'en yoo kin be improved—
Arkimides wunst sed, that, with his strength,
A fulcrum, and a lever uv suffishent length,
The world, wich weighs a trifle, cood be moved.
Jes so! Give me unlimited supplies,
And, noze! I 'll double thee in color and in size.
-- 366 -- p631-365
CIV. THE DISKONTENTID PEZANT.
[figure description] Page 366.[end figure description]
A ORIENTLE ALLEGORY, WITH A MOREL ONTO IT.
[Note.—The follerin is desined to inkulkait the ijee uv contentment
with our condishn, and to show the folly uv pinin after more good
than nature intended us to enjoy. After ritin it, I red it myself, and
wuz affected 2 teers.—P. V. N.]
Wunst upon a time, long afore the flud, when
man wuz in his highly original and prime evil
stait (wich meenes that he wuz wickeder than he
hez bin ever sence) uv sin and wickidnis, Abou
Ben Hadem flourisht in Abissinny, wich is a stait
summers down East.
Abou Ben Hadem wuz a profit. He hed bin
in the profit biznis for sum 2 hundred yeers, and
wuz hunky at it. It wuz currently reportid and
ginerally beleevd that he cood beet enny profit in
them Eastern countries, with wun hand tied behind
him.
Wunst on a time, jest after he hed partaken uv
his froogle brekfast uv porter-howse steak, stufft
with Camden and Amboy oysters, and wuz a
musin onto the mutability uv human affares over
a pint uv Rhine wine and a meershaum, wun uv
the pezantry uv that country approacht.
-- 367 --
[figure description] Page 367.[end figure description]
“Art thou Abou Ben Hadem?” interrogatid
the stranger.
“I am he,” replied Abou; “what wouldest thou
with me?”
“Behold in2 me wun who is dissatisfide with
his lot,” replide the intelligent yomanry.
“All men are so, my son,” retortid Abou. “I
kin see sich in enny grocery. Life is made up uv
dissatisfactions. Wun wants riches, another fame;
sum chase wun fleetin shadder, sum another; but,
alars! all er doomd 2 disappintment. Let us inwest
in Harlem stox, and dubble our munny—we
repine that we dident buy oil shares, and treble it.
But what wouldest thou?”
“Mighty Ben Hadem, my name is Norval—on
the Grampian hills my father fed his flox, a froogal
swane, and when the old gentleman pegged
out, he willed em all 2 me. I sheer them sheep,
and wash the wool, and card it and spin it, and
weave it, and make it into garmence. Why, Abou,
cood not nacher hev made my sheep to grow rolls
instid uv wool, and saved me the trubble.”
“My jentle frend,” replied Abou, “go thy
ways. Hentz4th thy sheep shel grow rolls instid
uv wool.”
[A week er sich a matter is sposd 2 hev
elapst.]
-- 368 --
[figure description] Page 368.[end figure description]
The sturdy yomanry returnd.
“Wat now?” sed Abou. “Wuz not thy desire
gratified?”
“Yea, muchly,” replied the high-mindid constitooent;
“the sheep grew rolls, and good rolls,
too. But, great Abou, why coodent nacher, while
she wuz about it, hev made the sheep grow yarn
instid uv rolls?”
“Go to thy native mountins. Thy sheep shel
grow fine yarn uv menny colors.”
[Another week gose by.]
“Agin here?” sed Abou. “Artest thow not satisfide?
Wat woodest thou now?”
“Mity profit! all things is ez easy ez turnin
Jack frum the bottom, 2 thee. My sheep grow
yarn. Is it askin too mutch to hev them grow
cloth? Then wood my labor be lightened—I
shood hev but to cut it and sew it in2 garmence.”
“Be it so; but bother me no more. I am
cheerman uv the executiv committy uv my ward,
and the eleckshun is but 3 weeks off. Go, and
be satisfide. Cloth it is.”
[A week passes by, like a dreem.]
“Mighty Abou”—
“How now? Thy importunity displeeses me.
-- 369 --
[figure description] Page 369.[end figure description]
I hev 3 times grantid thy desires. Wat wantest
thou now?”
“Mighty Abou, trooly at thy biddin my Mereenos,
wich I importid frum Vermont, hev yeeldid
rolls, and yarn, and cloth. Why, O profit, coodent
they jest ez well grow clothin reddy-made,
with a Amerrykin watch in the fob, and a pocket-book
filled with greenbax and a plug uv Cavendish
tobacker in the trousis-pokkit. Grant me but
this, and”—
“Away, ongrateful, and let me see thy face no
more. I granted thy absurd wishes, to show that
nacher did jest all for us that we needed—that
the balance we must work out ourselves, and that
hed she dun more we wood still hev bin dissatisfide.
At fust, 't was rolls, then yarn, then cloth,
and now yoo want close reddy-made. Go back.
Yer sheep grows common wool agin. Sposin I hed
givd yoo all yoo askt—wat, O miserable, wood yoo
hev hed 2 do? Yoo wood becum lazy, filthy, and
rotten. Yoo wood loaf around groceries, mix in2
pollytix, and becum a noosance to yerself and
friends. Laber is hevin's law. Nacher gives us
the raw material, and 2 keep us busy she requires
us to work it into shape. Nacher gives us korn—
it is our dooty 2 make it in2 whisky, and sich
other produx ez go 2 sustane life. Without labor
-- 370 --
[figure description] Page 370.[end figure description]
life is a cuss; with it we air happy. A bizzy
man haznt time to reflect upon wat a mizzable
cuss he is, wich reflexion in men uv high minds
wood lead to sooiside. Go thy ways. Be virchus
and yool be happy.”
Morel.—Employment uv wun kind er another
is a necessity. For my part, I keep myself bizzy
in gittin a livin orf uv other people's labor, and,
in these degenerate days, it 's jest all I kin do.
Morel number 2.—The more we git, the more
we want. (Wich is new.)
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 371 -- p631-370
CV. SONNIT-2 A SKEETER.
[figure description] Page 371.[end figure description]
RITTEN WHILE FITIN THE CUSSES.
Skeeter! you'm with us wunst agin! you'm cum
With sting uv strength—with teeth uv wondrous power,
Agin to vex us in the midnite hour,
With sleep-disturbin buz—with rest-destroyin hum.
Yoor here, and yoo 've a mishun,* 't is to bite
Awl sorts uv peeple, and 2 suck their blood,
Wich yoo perform jest ez a lawyer wood,
Only they bete yoo at it a darnation site.
Now sportivly yoo cup a old man's thigh,
And then, O luxury, yoo pierce a maden's neck,†
Then in2 childhood's brest yoor lance yoo stick;
Thus, like a epiqr, frum swete to swete yoo fly,
And frum eech fountin drinkin long and deep,
Like old McBeth, Esq., yoo murder sleep.
eaf631n12* Most fokes who hev a mishun air, like the skeeter, meerly suckers.
eaf631n13† Wunst only did I envy the skeeter. I wuz a settin onto a rockincheer,
and Hanner Ann wuz on my knee. A skeeter, who hed a eye for
the bootiful, lit onto her buzzum. “Hanner Ann,” sez I, syin. “Wat?”
sez she. “Wood, O, wood that I wuz a skeeter,” sez I, lookin ez tenderly
ez I cood, considrin that she wuz 190 pounds in heft, and I hed
bin a holdin uv her 2 hours—“wood that I wuz a skeeter, and hed my
bill where he hez hizn!” “Petroleum,” sed she, histerikly, givin me a
hug that lamed me for 6 weeks, “spozn yoo play skeeter!” I did so,
but, alas! 3 weeks after she died from eetin green currants, and went to
that land where skeeters is unknown, and where currants is ever ripe.
Then did I take 2 poetizin, and her untimely deth akounts for the vane
uv sadnis that runs thro my effoosions.
-- 372 -- p631-371
CVI. EMBARKS IN A NEW ENTERPRISE.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
September the 20th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 372.[end figure description]
I hev alluz hed my eagle-eye fixt onto the patent-medicine
biznis. Dimekratik pollytix wood fit
a man for that occupashen, or that occupashen
wood fit a man for Dimekratik pollytix. Onless
we succeed in carryin the eleckshun this fall I
shel go into it. Ef we are beaten now, with all
the advantage uv taxation and nigger suffrage,
our coz is lost, and ez the nigger sez in the play:
“Old feller's occupashen's gone;”
and then, ho! for the bowels uv the people who
woodent submit their minds to my guidance. I
am certin uv a greater measure uv success; for,
while all people hev bowels, mighty few hev minds,
and ez a rool, the more bowels the less mind.
Anticipatin this catastrophe, I hev already prepared
my advertisements.
The follerin will be my first announcement:
“A retired physician, whose front teeth air entirely
gone, for 85 yeers constooshnally averse to
-- 373 --
[figure description] Page 373.[end figure description]
work, wishes to spend the few remainin days allotted
to him, in alleviatin the suffrins uv the
afflictid, and in makin payments on a country residence.
“While a mishnary in Noo Gersey, his only
dawter, a beautiful, artlis, gushin creecher, uv
skarse 38, wuz stricken down with that dredful
malady, consumption. She wuz restored to helth
by wun uv the aboriginees uv that desolate country,
by the biled-down extract uv a weed that
flurishes luxooriantly there. Wishin to do all the
good in his power, he will send the recipe on the
receet uv $18, in postage-stamps, to all who may
desire it.”
This I rather think will do, partikelerly when
follered by sich certifikits as these:
Case 9018.—P. O'Flanegin, brakesman, hed his
left leg taken off, close up, by allowin it, ingoodishusly,
to hang atween the bumpers uv 2 cars,
one goin east and tother west. Applied remedy,
ez per instructions, to end uv stump. Next
mornin stump hed grown 18 inches. In three
days it wuz ez long ez tother leg, and the foot hed
formed. Put on a boot on the mornin uv the 4th
day. At noon, the growin foot bustid it, and by
nite the leg wuz ten inches longer than the other.
At last accounts the leg wuz still growin.
-- 374 --
[figure description] Page 374.[end figure description]
P. S.—Wishin to do all the good possible, I
promptly discovered, by accident, another weed,
wich will stop the growin; wich, wishin to do all
the good possible, I will send, on receet uv more
stamps.
Case 3824.—Mary M'Guire, widow with nine
small children. Sent stamps and receivd receet.
Cut her oldest girl's arm to the bone to try it.
Applied and healed in 30 minits. An idee struck
her. Drove up her cow, and sliced a steak off
the right hind-quarter. Applied the flooid. The
place healed up in a few minits, ready for another
steak to be taken off. Now supplies the whole
naberhood with tender, fresh beef from that one
cow, and hez bin raised from actooal penury to
afflooence. Last week she investid $12,000 in
7-30's.
Case 6010.—Peter Magnus, carpenter, made a
winder-frame too narrer by six inches. Put it in
its place and rubbed the flooid on each side. Next
mornin the frame hed grode to the desired width.
Case 7287.—Amos Caput, completely bald from
birth. Applied the flooid at nite, and in the
mornin hed a bootiful hed uv hair, all in ringlets.
Tried it on a hog's back, and found it wood prodoose
bristles in 3 hours. Greesed a pine board
with lard, applied the flooid, and found that
-- 375 -- p631-374
[figure description] Page 375.[end figure description]
bristles wood grow there jest as well. Is now engaged
in the manufacture uv shoe-brushes.
I shel hev several bushels uv postage-stamps to
dispose uv, in a few weeks.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CVII. INDULGES IN A REMINISCENCE OF HIS YOUTHFUL DAYS.
Forty yeers is a long time ago. Wat smilin
babes hev bornded in that time, who hev sence
growd up, good and bad men and wimen! Wat
brite hopes hev sprung up that hev bin blighted
by disappintment! Wat—
But what 's the yoose uv moralizin? Ez I set
a smokin my evenin pipe, memry went back forty
yeers, and a insident that okkurred at that time
cum forsibly to my mind.
I wuz then a dotin youth, who indulged in brite-colored
weskets, and invested heavy in hair-oil.
My hart wuz a peece uv tinder, wich a glance
from ary femenine eye, uv not over 30 yeers,
wood fire, and which spark a sigh wood fan into
a glowin flame. I wuz susceptible.
-- 376 --
[figure description] Page 376.[end figure description]
Near my paternal ancestor's roof resided a
farmer, who hed but one child and a smashin
farm. This child wuz a girl, who wuz ez pretty
ez a Wenus, and who knew it, and who also knew
that when that old hard-hitter, Death, shood send
her parents to grass, she wood cum in for
“A very large forchune in silver and gold,”
ez the poet hez it. Consequently she wuz ez
skittish ez a yeerlin colt with a chestnut-burr
under its tail, and made no more akkount uv
the hearts and affections uv the young men than
ez tho they wuz so many apple-dumplins. She
flirted with all uv em, and played her keerds so
skillfully that every one uv em, within a circuit
uv five miles, honestly expected to marry her.
Two uv em were speshelly infatooatid, myself
and Eb Brown, for she hed promised to marry
us both. She told us, (separately, uv coarse,) that
the only obstikle wuz that we were too poor to git
the old man's consent, and insistid on our waitin
till we hed made our pile. To a hungry man a
hour is a long time to wait for dinner—to two
fools, ded in love, the time wasted to git the pile
nessary to matrimony, is a age.
There wuz at that time oceans uv money
bein made a cuttin live-oak, in Floridy, and one
-- 377 --
[figure description] Page 377.[end figure description]
mornin Eb cum to me and asked me how I wood
like to go with him and make our forchunes in
that biznis. I spozd he wuz actooated by a mere
desire to make money. I, filled full uv love, jumpd
at the proposition, and in a week we were on the
way.
In doo time we arrived, and without loss uv
time we set to work. Inspired by love, wich is a
considerably stronger motive-power than a 500
horse-power engine, we waded in. Night and day
we toiled, and instid uv the fine, free, open-harted
fellers we wuz at hum, we bekum two uv the
closest-fisted cusses in Floridy. There wuz no
whisky—no terbacker—no poker—none uv the
comforts uv life for us.
One Sunday, after hevin washt up our red
shirts, and sowed on all the buttons, etc., I happened
to enquire uv Eb why he cum to sich a
God-forsaken country. To wunst he replied—that
he might make money, go back, and marry the
objek uv his adorashen.
“Them 's my fix,” shoutid I, and we immejitly
shook hands and vowed eternal friendship.
“Yes,” sez Eb, “how pleasant 't will be! In
one short year we 'll hev made our spondoolix and
we 'll go back. Yoo 'll marry yoor gal; I 'll marry
Looizer, and”—
-- 378 --
[figure description] Page 378.[end figure description]
“Looizer!” shreekt I, seezin him by the throte,
“Looizer who?”
“Why, Looizer Bevins; who else?”
“Good Lord!” gasped I, my face the color
uv unbleeched muslin; “she 's the Looizer I 'm
workin for.”
We understood each other. Risin to our feet,
we looked at each other eggsackly ez eminent
young Amerikin tragedians do when they wish to
express hate, rage, skorn, contempt, loathing, et
settry.
A ijee struck me. Cood I only git home fust!
Hastily gatherin my valyooables, I sprung onto
the mule we owned in company, and afore Eb
knew what I wuz about, wuz a mile on my way
to the neerest seaport. It finelly okkurrin to him
wat my stratejy wuz, he promptly stole another
mule and follered. A vessel wuz on the pint uv
sailin; we embarked together, and together landed
in Noo York. Twict, on the passage, I attempted
to fling him overboard, but wuz each time frustrated
by his sooperior strength, and wuz only
saved myself from findin a watry grave, by the
interference uv the crew. At Noo York we took
the river, and at Albany the canal, and finelly
cum to the neerest town to our respective place
uv abode. Without waitin to look after baggage,
-- 379 --
[figure description] Page 379.[end figure description]
we rusht to a livery stable, and in a few minits
two teams mite hev bin seen tearin over the pike
toards Looizer's.
We drawd near the house. It wuz at 9 P. M.
With strange forebodins we saw the venerable
mansion brilliantly illoominatid—there wuz indikashens
uv suthin. Flingin ourselves from the
vehicles, we rusht to the door, opened it, and—
On the floor stood a beautiful maiden in white;
by her side a young man in black; in front a clergyman,
who wuz pronouncin these words:
“Whom God hez jined together, let no man put
asunder,” er suthin to that effeck.
Need I say that the maiden in white arrayed
wuz Looizer? Need I relate how we went back
together, and together in the glades uv Floridy
strove to pour ile into each other's lasseratid
harts? Not enny.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 380 -- p631-379
CVIII. SONNIT-2 A KORN,
ON THE LITTLE TOE UV MY RITE FOOT, WICH OBSTINITLY
RESISTED MEDIKLE TREETMENT. WRITTEN AT THE HAIROIL
PERIOD UV MY LIFE, TO-WIT, 20 YEERS.
[figure description] Page 380.[end figure description]
Distroyer uv my peece! old Folly is yoor dad,
Tite-boots yoor mother. Agony and Pain
(Deliteful ophspring) is yoor children twain
And hangin on their skirts a 1000 ills ez bad.
On Sunday nite, drest up, 2 Hanner Ann's I go—
2 sentiments my fluttrin sole divides—
I sink in agony—on joy's high hoss I rides—
Hevin in my hart—hell in that little toe.
O, Korn! wat woes we bring upon ourselves!
Why wuz not simple I kontent to hev
Feet uv the size that nacher, all-wise, gave?
Why did I try on 8's instid uv 12's?
Suthin I've larnt from thee—what nacher's dun,
Man can't improve and better let alone.
-- 381 -- p631-380
CIX. ON THE DIVERSITY OF THE RACES.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
September the 24th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 381.[end figure description]
Whenever yoo ask the people to adopt any
given line uv ackshen, yoo hev got to give em
a tolable good reason therefor. Troo, this never
hez bin so nessary in the Dimekratik party, whose
members hev alluz follered their leeders, without
askin the why or wherefore, with a fidelity beautiful
to behold. But people, ginrally, are inquisitive,
and wun reason why we hev never succeeded
with the slavery question, is becoz we never hev
yet given a good reason why the nigger shood be
held in slavery.
Wunst it wuz sought to be defended on the
ground that the nigger wuz inferior to the white
man, but it woodent do. Why? Becoz the fullblown
Dimekrat thot to hisself to wunst, “Ef the
stronger shel own the weaker—ef the intellectooally
sooperior shel hold in slavery the intellectooally
inferior, Lord help me! Why, I might ez
well go into a Ablishn township and select my
master to wunst.”
-- 382 --
[figure description] Page 382.[end figure description]
The same argument won't do ez to nigger
equality. Why shood we say that the nigger
shan't vote, on the skore uv his not bein fitted by
eddicashen or intelligence, when the fust and
cheefest qualificashen uv a strate Dimekrat is his
not knowin how to read? Why, to-day, in my
county, ef a Dimekrat kin rite his name without
runnin his tongue out, we alluz refooze to elect
him a delegate in the county convenshun. It exposes
him to the suspishun uv knowin too much.
I hev quit all these shaller dodges, long ago.
We must hev the nigger, for jest at this time
there ain't no uther cappitle for us to run on; but
he must be put on maintainable ground. I put
my foot on him, on the ground uv the DIVERSITY
UV THE RACES! He is not wun uv us. He is
not a descendant uv Adam. Goddlemity probably
made him, ez he did the ox, and the ass, and
the dorg, and the babboon, but not at the same
time, nor for the same purposes. He is not, in
enny sence uv the word, a MAN! His kulor is diffrent,
the size uv his head is diffrent, his foot is
longer, and his hand is bigger. He wuz created
a beast, and the fiat uv the Almity give us dominion
over him, the same ez over other beasts.
Does the theologian say that this doctrine undermines
the Christian religion? I to wunst
-- 383 --
[figure description] Page 383.[end figure description]
reply, that that don't matter to us. Dimokrasy
and religion shook hands and bid each other a
affekshunate farewell, years ago. Uv what comparison
is religion to a Dimekratik triumph?
Doth the ethnologist say that the diffrence
atween the Caucassian and Afrikin is no greater
than atween the Caucassian and Mongolian? I
anser to wunst that he is rite—that the Mongolian
is likewise a beest; becoz, don't yoo see there
ain't no Mongolians in this seckshun uv country
to disprove it.
Doth the Ablishnist pint to a nigger who kin
read and rite, and figure through to division, and
in sich other partickelers show hisself sooperior
to the majority uv Dimekrats? I alluz draw myself
up to my full hite, assoom a virchusly indignant
look, and exclaim, “He 's nuthin but a d—d
nigger, anyhow!” wich is the only effective argument
we hev hed for ten years.
Doth the besotted nigger-lover pint to the mulatter,
and say, “What will yoo do with him, who
is half beest and half man, who hez half a sole
that is to be saved—for one-half uv whom Christ
died?” I anser at wunst, that I don't deal in abstrackshuns,
and git out ez soon ez possible, for
there is a weak pint there, that I hevent ez yit
bin able to git over.
-- 384 --
[figure description] Page 384.[end figure description]
This wun weak pint is no argument agin my
theory, for happy is the Dimekrat who kin propound
a theory that hezent a skore, instid uv wun,
weak places in it.
This doctrine kivers the whole ground. Ef the
nigger is a beest, Dimekrats hev a good excuse
for not givin to mishnary sosieties, for uv what
use is it to undertake to Christianize beests, who
hev no soles to save and no intrest in the blood
uv Christ? It gives us a perfek rite to re-establish
slavery, for doth not Blackstun, who wuz supposed
to know ez much law ez a Noo Gersey justis
uv the peece, say that we hev a rite to ketch
and tame the wild beest, and bend him to our
uses?
Also, he can't vote; for wood the lowest white
man consent to vote alongside uv a beest, even ef
he did walk on 2 legs? Not enny.
Let this doctrine be vigerusly preechd, and I
hev no doubt suthin will result from it.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 385 -- p631-384
CX. SONNIT-2 A FIVE-CENT PIECE.
[figure description] Page 385.[end figure description]
IT BEIN THE ONLY WUN THAT HEZ ESCAPED THE REQUIREMENTS
UV A CHRONIC THIRST.
Price uv a stumick-warmer! thou art very lonely,
One by one thy brethrin brite hev fled;
Thou one brite ray upon my course shel shed;
One nip thou 'lt bring, and, wo is me, one only!
Time wuz wen I dispized thee, frackshun uv a dime;
Time wuz I bathed my too fastijus lips
Deep in the nectar sweets uv 10-cent nips,
And thot my pile wuz endlis ez old Time.
Ez all hev gone, so now shalt thou go, too—
Then appetite must e'en depend on face;
Cheek must uv capital assoom the place,
And furnish stumick; and wen tick won't do,
Farewell, all hope!—I 'll rush upon my doom,
And in camphene my star shel set in gloom.*
eaf631n14* This sonnit wuz written afore the late crooel war, wen strate drinks
wuz 5 cents, and fancy beveridges 10.
-- 386 -- p631-385
CXI. ON SOUTHERN CHARACTER.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, }
September the 23d, 1865.
[figure description] Page 386.[end figure description]
The world is, and alluz hez bin, full uv deloosions.
A lie, well started, viggerously stuck to,
and energetically pushed, ansers jest ez well ez
the trooth, and will live a long time. I hev lived
in this world uv desepshun long enuff to diskiver
that there is a huge diffrence betwixt the real and
the ideal.
For instance. In my youth I wuz given to
reedin Cooper's novels, until, becomin infatuated
with his descriptions uv the Injin stile uv livin,
and the granjer uv the Injin charikter, I determined
to jine a tribe, and adopt their habits. I imagined
myself a noble red man uv the forest, a
chasin the wild deer all the day, thro the leafy
wood, and sweetly sleepin at nite in a leafy bower,
never wunst thinkin uv the friteful colds I 'd
ketch sleepin out uv doors, and uv the terrible
consekences uv a purely animal diet upon my uneddikatid
bowils.
Filled with these ijees, I made my way to the
-- 387 --
[figure description] Page 387.[end figure description]
neerest reservation, and the fust noble red man
uv the forest I saw, wuz asleep under a tree, with
a bottle beside him. I awakened him, and addressed
him in the language uv the novels, wich
I sposed wuz all he cood understand, thus:
“Why slumbereth the cheef uv the Pocasokes?
and why are not his feet upon the war-path? The
skelp uv his father hangs in the lodge uv Skinewaugh,
and his death is unavenged! Awake!”
The noble Injin rolled over lazily on one elbow,
took a long pull at his bottle, ejackelatin:
“Ugh! go way. White man dam fool—gimme
dime—buy Injin more rum!” and sank back into
his inebriatid slumber.
Hevin seen the ginooine Injin ez he exists out
uv the novels, I did not jine that tribe.
I yoosed to bleeve in Southern shivelry. Likewise
did I bleeve in Robinson Croosoe, the malestrom,
and Jackson's cotton-bales; but, ezI afterwards
diskivered, there wuz no reality in these,
so I wuz prepared to bleeve the shivelry uv the
South wuz a good part bottled moonshine.
Wunst, to me, the Sutherner wuz a compound
uv George IV, Shevaleer Bayard, Humbolt, and
Longfeller, possessin the deportment uv the fust,
the high-grade shivelry and manly phisikle perfekshun
uv the sekond, the learnin uv the third,
-- 388 --
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and the deep poetic feelin uv the fourth. I sposed
he wood interdoose his knife into the bowils uv
his enemy with the fearlessness and dexterity uv
Bayard, apologize with the calm grace uv George,
and write his obitchuary like Longfeller, in the
stile uv Hiawatha.
I bleeved his residence wuz a manshun, his
common bevrage the rosiest kind uv wine, quaffed
from the most costly goblets; that money with him
wuz a matter uv no account; that his time wuz
divided between his country, his books, and manly
out-door sports. In war, my notion uv him wuz
a cross between Achilles and Wellington, I givin
him the credit uv hevin the dash uv the one, the
steadiness uv tother, and the heroism uv both.
Sich wuz my ijee uv the Suthern gentleman.
Wood, O wood that this pleasin deloosion hed
never bin dissipatid! It 's the nacher uv the
Northern Dimekrat to look up 2 sumboddy, and I
did n't like the ijee uv hevin my idol dismountid.
I wuz down South doorin the war, hevin served
sevral months in the Loozeaner Pelicans, a Confedrit
regiment, made up uv the fust families uv
that Stait. I found that I hed bin labrin under a
deloosion all my life. I wuz in Virginia a while,
where yoo are supposed to find the highest type
uv Suthern shivelry. On a average the Virginian
-- 389 --
[figure description] Page 389.[end figure description]
is as mizable a cuss ez ther is on earth. His
manshun is a shamblin cabin; his rosy wine is a
stile uv potato whisky, so inexpressibly mean that
it wood be rejected with inexpressible skorn by
the most reckless and abandoned squaw; his
costly goblet is a stun jug with a cob stopper,
and his highest ijee uv amoosement is quarter
races and poker. Long, lank, lathy, low-browed,
peak-nosed, he approaches the appearance uv the
Northerner about ez closely ez a ring-tailed babboon
resembles Powers' Greek Slave.
In war he haint no better than in peece. He
fites well enuff when put to it, but he haint no
endoorence. Ef he don't win from the start, his
game is up. And the less he intends to do, the
more he blows afore he commences. His endlis
blowin about his fitin capasity and resources, afore
the war, wuz wat roped us Northern Dimekrats
into it, and indoost us to stake our politikle fucher
on their success. Alars! we wuz fooled in em, and
we go down with em.
I never want to hear a word agin about Suthern
shivelry. We hev got to git em back agin,
for alone we kin do nothin, and I spose when we
hev em back, we 'll hev to knuckle to em jist ez
we did afore the war, for they comprise the heft
uv the party; but we 'll do it this time for policy,
-- 390 -- p631-389
[figure description] Page 390.[end figure description]
while before we did it from sheer belief in their
sooperiority over us. I 'd be well satisfied ef we
cood git along, ez a party, without em.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CXII. A HORRIBLE VISION.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
September the 20th, 1865.
Last nite, for amoozement, I picked up a vollum
uv poems, ritten by wun Camell, and happened
to read a peece called “The Last Man.”
It 's a rayther heavy peece uv writin. His descriptive
powers are rather better than mine, tho,
perhaps, ef my too partial friends ain't too partial,
he is a long way behint me in the matter uv
pathetics, and in them fine tutches wich show the
man uv sole and sensibilities.
Be that ez it may, the pome made a impression
on me, (wich is proof that there is suthin in it,)
and it wuz onto my mind ez I retired to my virtoous
couch.
Skarcely hed I sunk into slumber, when my
-- 391 --
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viggerus intellek, wich even the bonds uv slumber
can't chain, wandered away into the misty
realms uv speckelashen. I hed the most horrible
vision that ever afflicted a sleepin man, wich the
bare recollekshun uv, causes a involuntary shudder
to thrill my susceptible frame.
Methawt a epidemic startid in Afrika, and cum
by reglar steps through Europe, and finally reeched
Noo York. For a time it raged alike among all
classes uv people, and among all colors and complexions.
The proud and hawty Caucassian, the
bold and patriotic Celt, the noble red man uv the
forest, (wich is pizen,) all, all, wuz swept away
by the relentless pestilence.
Finally, it abated. The white man and the
red man begun to escape the fangs uv death;
but among the niggers it raged wuss than ever.
Thro the South it swept like a tornado, sparin the
whites, but cuttin down every nigger in its path.
Ther wuz weepin and wailin. The hawty planter
saw in his nigger-quarters the brite octoroon, for
whom he hed paid $2500, and who hed solaced
his hours uv relaxashen with her charms—who
hed bore him girls almost perfekly white, wich,
on akkount uv hevin his blood in their vanes, he
hed been able to sell for $3000 and $4000 to other
planters, whose tastes run in that direckshun—he
-- 392 --
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saw her, the objeck uv his affeckshun, and a part
uv his estate, lyin a inanymait corpse, not worth
a cent for any purpose.
Likewise he saw his robust feeld-hands, each
wun with sinews and muscles uv iron—the males
harty and sound, without blemish; the females
capable uv raisin a picanniny wich wuz worth
$200 ez soon ez weened, wunst a year, and by a
little extra whippin do a year's work in the feeld
every 12 months, stretched cold corpses in the
feeld, the cotton unpicked, and his last year's
gamblin debts unpaid. Thus wuz disease out
rajin all the finer feelins uv humanity, and destroyin
relentlessly all that made life pleasant and
lovely.
Finally, nigger after nigger fell, until but two
remained in the Yoonited States. They wuz a
male and female, uv sich perfekly helthy systems,
that it seemed impossible for disease to tetch
them. When the epidemic wuz known to hev
settled down to niggers alone, the Dimokrasy
held a consultation, and fearin the race wood becum
extinct, hed selected these, hed carefully sekloodid
em from the world, and hed employed
twenty-four uv the most eminent medikle men uv
the world, to be with em constantly—each stayin
an hour—that, in case they showd eny symptoms,
-- 393 --
[figure description] Page 393.[end figure description]
the proper remedies mite be to wunst applide,
afore the disease got a hold. From these two, ef
the rest wuz destroyed, it wuz hoped a new stock
cood be raised, that the dangers uv negro equality
mite be still kept afore the Amerikin people.
But all to no purpus. The unsparin pestilence
smoted em, and, notwithstandin the efforts made
by the eminent physicians — notwithstandin the
prayers and groans uv the Dimokrasy — they
died!
Methawt the heavens wuz hung in black, and
ominus litenins shot athwart the skies. In the
distants low, mutrin thunders wuz heard, and the
beests uv the forests run affrighted from their
coverts. Dray hosses dropt dead in the streets;
dorgs run wildly, with their tongues a hangin out,
and the white foam droppin from their distendid
jaws. Ever and anon, pale, sickly gleams uv
lite flashed across the dark, leaden-colored clouds,
givin nacher the appearance uv labrin under a
severe attack uv yaller janders.
The last nigger wuz dead!
Presently, the leaders uv the Dimokrasy begun
to assemble.
Fernandywood cum.
“Alars!” sez he, sobbin ez tho his hart wood
break, and kissin the cold corpse—“Farewell, my
-- 394 --
[figure description] Page 394.[end figure description]
hopes—a long and larst farewell! Thou wust our
corner-stun; on thee we built. Thou wust our
cappitle, our cheefest trust. We used yoo—we
aboozed yoo—and in aboozin yoo found our profit.
Yoo wuz ordained to be the cuss uv Ameriky—we
wuz ordained to be alluz fearful uv yoor bein our
sooperior—to us wuz entrusted the deliteful task
uv keepin yoo down, and us over yoo. Our task
is ended with thee. Kin we any more rally our
people to the poles, by yawpin the dangers uv nigger
equality, when ther ain't no nigger? This,
now, is a white man's guverment—we hev nuthin
left to contend for, and thus I foller thee.”
And Fernandy, who hed found a jack-knife in
the nigger's vest-pockit, run it into his bowils, and
fell a dead corpse across his body.
Franklin Peerse approached and wailed thus:
“And art thou gone, last uv the Afrikins?
Cood not the avengin ministers uv death hev
taken sum other race? Cood not the noble Injin
bin taken, and thou spared to Demokrasy? No
white man feered his supremacy. Cood not the
Chinese hev bin sacrificed in thy stead? The people
hed no prejoodis agin his color. Thou wust
all that made me uv yoose, and ez thou art gone,
so I go also.”
And takin the jack-knife out uv Fernandy's
-- 395 --
[figure description] Page 395.[end figure description]
hand, he stabbed hisself with it, and fell dead atop
uv Fernandy.
Vallandigum approached, weepin vilently.
“Opposin thy elevation,” sed he, addressin the
dead nigger, “wunst made a marter uv me, wich
marterdom netted me $30,000 in ten-cent pieces,
wich I immejitly invested in 7-30 bonds issued by
a tyranikle and onconstooshnal guverment. By
carryin a portrait uv thee, and exhibitin it at my
meetins in the rooral deestricks, I hev made my
constitooencies bile with rage, at the ijee uv sich ez
thou bein elevatid to their speer. Like Othello,
`my okkepashun's gone.' Farewell, pollytix—
thou wast my pollytix. Farewell, Congris!—uv
wat yoose is a Dimekrat in Congris with no nigger
to blat about? Farewell, life!—for wat is life
with no nigger to persekoot?”
And takin the jack-knife from Peerse's hand,
he recklessly plunged it into his bowils, and fell
across Peerse.
Brite, uv Injeany; Richardson, uv Illinoy; Seymour,
uv Noo York; Florence, uv Pennsilvany,
and all the leeders uv the party uv the North,
without exception, cum up, and, makin similar
orashuns, used the jack-knife in like style—fallin
across each other ez four-foot wood is corded.
Ginral Slocum, uv Noo York, hed a good mind to
-- 396 --
[figure description] Page 396.[end figure description]
do the same thing; but he conclooded he cood turn
a somerset out uv the party ez easy ez he somersetted
into it, and he did n't.
Filled with anguish uv the heaviest descripshun,
and fully appreciatin the feelins uv the
noble men who woodent survive their party, I
caught the jack-knife, and, throwin myself into a
attitood—sich ez I hev seen Forist cum, when, in
Otheller, he stabs hisself—I wuz on the pint uv
makin it acqwaintid with my intestines, when I
happened to observe a quart-bottle stickin out uv
the nigger's coat-pockit. Droppin the knife, I
seezed it, and in 2 gulps swallered the contents.
The room spun round and round, and, eggsaustid,
I fell senseless across the dead sooisides. Jest
then, Horis Greely entered the room. Holdin up
both hands, he exclaimed:
“Ez it wuz in the beginnin, so it is in the endin.
Behold Dimokrasy!—nigger at the bottom, and
whisky at the top. We 're rid uv two great
cusses to wunst!”
And, instid uv punchin his stumick with the
knife, he shuffled out uv the room, holdin his
nose.
I awoke, in a feverish sweat, shreekin wildly.
So vivid wuz the scene I hed dreemed, that I
-- 397 --
[figure description] Page 397.[end figure description]
found it impossible to sleep, and all that long nite
I walked the flore in agony.
Wuz the dreem profetik? Is there any danger
uv the nigger becumin extinct by disease? I
know amalgamashun is whitenin him in the Suthern
States, but up North, where Dimokrasy is
skarse, we kin preserve them in all their original
blackness. Hevin grant that this friteful vision
wuz simply the result uv a disordered stumick,
and not a warnin uv wrath to cum!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 398 -- p631-397
CXIII. HAS A CONVERSATION WITH THE DEVIL.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
September the 30th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 398.[end figure description]
Nite afore last, I wuz at a gathrin uv the
faithful, in the next town to Saint's Rest, and wuz
a comin back on the nite train uv the Camden
and Amboy, wich is the beauty and glory uv Noo
Gersey. I wuz somewat elewatid, hevin hed a
need uv inspirin flooids, there bein two or three
returned soljers in the meetin, who kept a provokin
me with irrelevant and irritatin remarks,
sich ez pullin me orf the stand, and pintin revolvers
at me.
When the conductor cum around, I told him
that I wuz a humble worker in the grate feeld uv
Dimekratik reform, and wuz, uv coarse, without
funds, and that I expected to be passed to my
home, FREE! The poor man wuz thunder-struck!
Staggerin aginst the side uv the car, pale ez a
ghost, and speechless, he beckoned to a brakesman,
and pinted me out. In a instant I wuz
seezed and bundled out uv the car. The next
-- 399 --
[figure description] Page 399.[end figure description]
mornin I saw the incident noticed in the daily
papers, under the follerin hed lines:
“THE BULWORKS UV SOCIETY A BRAKIN AWAY!”
“NOO GERSEY IN DANGER!”
“A FEEND DEMANDS TO BE DED-HEDED OVER THE
CAMDEN AND AMBOY!”
“PROMT AND HEROIC ACTION UV THE CONDUCTOR!”
“HIS SALRY RAISED BY THE COMPNY!”
How long I lay alongside uv the track I know
not; but conshusnis returnin, I saw, sittin on the
fence, the figure uv Satan hisself.
“Avant!” cried I. “Why comest thou to torment
me afore my time?”
“Do n't skeer,” sez he; “I do n't want yoo yet.
Remember the old man's remark: `Why shood
men club apples orf uv trees, when, ef they let
em alone, they will fall orf themselves?' I woodent
take the trouble to cum after yoo, and sich ez
yoo. I often take a toor thro Gersey. It 's my
best harvist-field. I 'm pleasurin now.”
Reassured, I asked the old gentleman sum
-- 400 --
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questions as to what kind uv biznis he wuz a
doin these times, et settry.
He replied that biznis wuz good. The Suthern
States hed bin his grate feeld uv labor, and when
they rebelled agin the guverment he thot he hed
ded wood on them localities. His sole expanded
with goy ez he saw the Churches South plunge
into the seceshn biznis, and their preechers throw
orf the sackerdotle robes and put on butternut
uniform. They never hed much religion down
there, anyhow; but when they went into seceshn,
they threw away that little.
“Ez Linkin's helyuns advanst,” he sed, “my
sole shrunk—only occasionally wuz I elewatid ez
yoo Copperheds riz in the North. Finally, when
Lee and Johnson surrendered, I give up all hopes.
That, I thot, settled the question. The niggers
will be emancipated and I 'll lose them, for they 'll
larn to read, and they 'll diskiver that virchoo is
the best road to travel. Also”—
“Hold!” sez I, “do niggers go to hell?”
“Uv coarse, when they die in their sins,” sez
he.
“Farewell, hope!” exclaims I, in agony, “for
all is lost! At the last end the entire Dimokrasy
will be on a equality with the nigger, and will hev
to mix with em.”
-- 401 --
[figure description] Page 401.[end figure description]
“Also,” sez he, a goin on, “I wuz satisfied I
shood lose the whites South, for when they can't
live on nigger labor and hev to go to work, they
won't hev time to gamble nor drink. They won't
hev $2500 to pay for pretty octoroons, and, per
consequence, one uv the commandments will be
better observed. So I wuz lo-sperited, and conclooded
that the Almity had taken that part uv
the country out uv my hands.”
“How, then,” sez I, “is it that yoo feel so well
to-night?”
“For two reasons,” sez he. “I alluz feel at
home in Noo Gersey; and besides that, things don't
look so bad after all. You folks up North are
doin things to soot me, and so they are South.
Uv what account is Linkin's proclamashen, when
sich men ez now controle the South, are in power?
Them Sutherners are men I like. Guvner Perry
talks uv `Radikle Republikins,' wich shows he 's
bound 2 make head agin the only enemies I ever
hed in the North. The nigger is free, but only in
name. That blessid doctrine uv Stait Rites allows
eech wun uv the Staits to oppress jist which
class they please, and ez the North will certinly
pass all sorts uv laws agin their escapin in that
direcshun, it seems to me ez tho Cuff wuz between
the upper and nether mill-stun, after all. Five
-- 402 --
[figure description] Page 402.[end figure description]
dollars a month they will agree to pay him, but that
he 'll never git. Then follers steelins, and stabbins,
and shootins, and hangins, and arsons, and insurrections,
[here he rubbed his hands,] and more
sich fun than we ever saw. Then when the South
gets strong agin, and they and yoo, yoonited, make
a majority in Congris, won't them Yankees git?
Won't we (I speek uv yoo Northern Dimekrats and
the South and me, wich hez alluz bin pardners,)
make the North pay the Suthern war debt? Won't
we re-establish slavery in the South and extend it
over all the territories, and finally over all the
Northern Staits, makin it yooniversal? I rather
think so. Ef the North refoozes, then agin yoo
and the South and I will make another war, and
that time we 'll succeed, for we 'll know how, better,
and the guverment overthrode, we 'll fix it jist
ez we want it. And then”—
At this pint he threw his left arm about my
neck in a extacy uv irrepressible love. It scorched
ez tho a hot bar uv iron hed bin twisted around
me, and, shreekin with agony—I awoke.
It wuz only a dreem, and I found myself a lyin
in the identikle ditch in2 wich I hed fallen when
the conductor threw me orf the trane.
I cood not help wondrin at the correctnis with
-- 403 -- p631-402
[figure description] Page 403.[end figure description]
wich my visitor guessed the purposes uv our
party.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CXIV. APPEAL TO THE DEMOCRACY.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
October the 4th, 1865.
Dimekrats uv the North! Yoo hev to deside
whether the old party, which hez alluz delited in
managin the affairs uv this guvernment, is to
agin assoom its nateral position, or whether it is
doomed to die, and be among the things that wuz.
Ez the hed uv the party, I issue this appeal.
The time for argument hez passed—all that
now remains is ackshen! ackshen!! ackshen!!!
Never before wuz there sich need uv work—
never wuz there so much at stake. Look around
yoo, fellow Dimekrats! See! Uv all the Staits
North, only Noo Gersey remains troo to her anshent
prinsipples. The dark waves uv Ablishnism
are a sweepin over the land, unchecked, save
by Noo Gersey. There, thank God, the ark uv
the convant rests. There the vestal fires burn
-- 404 --
[figure description] Page 404.[end figure description]
brightly. Noo Gersey hez the Dimokrasy she alluz
hed—she changes not. Ever sence the yeer before
the Revolushen, she hez bin Dimekratik. No
matter wat issues wuz presented—no matter on
wich side uv sed issues the Dimokrasy planted
theirselves, Noo Gersey alluz voted that ticket.
Sech confidin trust in the leaders, sech Roman
simplicity, is refreshin. Wood, O wood that we
hed more Noo Gerseys!
This fall the Dimokrasy hev exceeded theirselves
in liberality to the people. Never wuz
there sich a assortment uv principles to choose
from. In Noo York, we hev on the track a Ginral,
who sheathed his sword in the harts uv his
Suthern brethrin, and him we stood on a platform
which recognizes the death uv slavery, and
feels good over it, and wich goes for payin the
debt, intrest, principle, and all. In Noo Gersey
we hev a Ginral on the ticket who run away from
Bull Run, becoz he did n't approve uv the principles
on wich the war wuz bein condukted, on a
platform ez strikly Suthern ez the Camden and
Amboy cood make it. In Ohio, our platform wuz
made by the great Vallandigum, and in it is the
pure expressed joose uv Dimokrasy. The great
doctrine uv Staits Rites is avowed, and the rite
uv the seceded Staits to agin secede is upheld.
-- 405 --
[figure description] Page 405.[end figure description]
Here is diversity—here is pickin. Each Dimekrat
kin pick wich set uv prinsipples he desires,
and the cheerman uv his central committy will
cheerfully certify that that set will be made universal,
ez soon ez a Nashnel Convenshun convenes.
Look at wat intrests are at stake. Do yoo want
to marry nigger wenches? Do yoo want yoor
gushin daughters tied by indissoluble ties to disgustin
buck niggers? We hev persistently petitioned
Abolishn legislachers to pass acts preventin
us from doin this foul thing, but to no avale.
They hev turned a deef ear to our entreaties, and
to-day we stand exposed to all these dangers.
Do yoo want a buck nigger to march up to the
poles with yoo to vote? Do yoo want their children
mixt with yoors in skools? Do yoo want em
on juries and holdin offis in yoor township? My
God! think uv it! Think uv yoor bein brot up
on a charge uv petty larceny, sich ez steelin sheep
or chickens, before a nigger justis uv the peese!
Think uv yoor bein sood for a store-bill that hed
run ten yeers, afore a nigger squire! In the
towns and cities, think uv bein arrestid for bein
drunk, by a nigger policeman, and bein arraned
in the mornin before a nigger mayor! Contemplate
these pikters without a shudder, ef yoo kin.
-- 406 --
[figure description] Page 406.[end figure description]
These questions must be met. They stare us in
the face. On yoo depends the issue. The nigger
is our natral enemy.
Sum uv our best lites are in favor uv givin him
the suffrage, on the ground that in a little while
we wood git his votes, on the prinsipple that we
ketch all the trash naterally. My frends, be not
deseeved. We hev aboozed the nigger so long and
so persistently, that it wood take ages afore we
cood get him suffishently demoralized to act with
us, and afore that time we wood all be in the silent
grave, where pollytix is uv no akkount.
On the question uv taxes, and reconstruction,
and sich, I refer yoo to the platforms adoptid by
yoor various Stait Convenshuns; yoo may depend
upon eech bein perfeckly sound. On these minor
questions there may be diffrense uv opinion in
localities; but, thank Hevin, on nigger there is
unanimity. “Nigger and him prostrated,” is the
rallyin cry uv the Dimokrasy, North, South, East,
and West.
I bleeve in the above I hev given a full epitome
uv the principles uv the party. We hev a
he old fight afore us, and it behooves every Dimekrat
to buckle on his armor to wunst. Noo Gersey
may be dependid on. The few Ablishnists we
hev, hev gone so far into spellin-books and
-- 407 -- p631-406
[figure description] Page 407.[end figure description]
grammars, that their talk is all Greek to our voters,
and so they are safe from their contaminatin appeals.
She expex every Stait to do its dooty. She
is lonesome and wants company. She stretches
out her hands appealinly to her sisters, and sez in
winnin tones, “Jine me!”
Will yoo not do it? Shel she appeal in vane?
Forbid it, Hevin! Rally! Rally! Rally!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CXV. AFTER THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS, 1865.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey, }
October the 11th, 1865.
Ohio, Ablishn!
Pennsylvany, Ablishn!
Noo Gersey, not eggsackly Ablishn, but approachin
thereunto.
Sich is the encouragin news I read in the newspapers
this mornin! Sich is the result uv labors
Hercoolian, in the above-named Staits. What do
the people mean?
The pure Dimokrasy, probably, will carry Noo
-- 408 --
[figure description] Page 408.[end figure description]
York; but of what consolation is that to me? The
two parties, the old, anshent Dimokrasy and the
Ablishn, run a race into the realms uv Radikalism,
and the Dimokrasy beat them over a length.
With a platform standin by Johnson, endorsin his
anti-slavery noshens, his Suthern oppression noshens,
his hangin uv Mrs. Surratt, et settry, and
on that platform a soljer who never votid a Dimekratik
ticket in his life, who went into the war
a Radikle Ablishnist, and who kum out a Radikle
Ablishnist, I don't know that I hev much to
choose atween em.
Last week I wuz invited into a county in Noo
York, to address a Dimekratik meetin. I accepted,
(ez my expensis were paid, wich is cheeper
and better boardin than I get at the groseries to
hum,) and akkordinly I went. I commenst deliverin
the speech I hed yoosed all over Noo Gersey.
I commenst aboosin the nigger, when the
cheerman interruptid me.
“Well,” sez I, “wat is it?” rather angrily, for
I git warmed up and a sweatin, and don't like to
be interruptid.
“Why,” sed he, “our constooshn allows a nigger
who hez $250 to vote, and most uv em hev
that sum, and we make it a pint to sekoor em.”
“They 're a d—d site better off than most uv
-- 409 --
[figure description] Page 409.[end figure description]
us white Dimekrats in Noo Gersey,” retortid I,
a droppin the nigger and goin on agin President
Johnson.
“Stop,” whispered the cheerman; “our platform
endorses President Johnson.”
“Thunder!” remarked I, droppin President
Johnson, and slidin easily into a wiggerus denunsiation
uv the war.
“Good God!” sez the cheerman, “stop! Our
platform endorses the war.”
I sed nuthin this time, but commenst denouncin
the debt.
“Hold!” sed the cheerman; “easy—easy—our
platform backs up the debt.”
“Well, then,” sed I, in a rage, “why in blazes
did n't yoo send me a copy uv yoor platform when
yoo wantid me to address yoo? Go to thunder
and make yoor own speeches;” and I stawked off
the platform.
Time wuz when wun speech wood do a man all
over the North. Now yoo hev to hev a diffrent
wun for every Stait, wich makes it impossible for
me to travel, for wun effort per season is enuff
for me.
But, ez I wuz a sayin, we are beat agin, and
beat badly—beat on issues uv our own makin—
beat with taxes, bonds, war debt, and nigger
-- 410 --
[figure description] Page 410.[end figure description]
equality all in our favor. Do n't say to me that
we redoost their majorities. What diffrence does
it make to a defeatid candidate, whether the majority
agin him is one thousand or one hundred?
A needle will kill a man ez effectooally ez a broad-sword,
ef it 's stuck in the right place. So a majority
uv wun is enuff. I hev known men to
hold orfises four years, and hev good appetites, on
a majority uv one. It 's the orfises we wuz a goin
for—it 's them our patriots wanted, and it 's no
consolation to them to say they mist by a small
majority! It 's holler mockery—the same ez tho
you 'd show a starvin man a loaf uv bread jest
inside uv iron bars—his fingers are not a inch
from it, but, so far ez his cravin stumick is concerned,
it mite ez well be across the boundless
ocean.
We may recover from this backset, but I hev
my fears. The people is ez stoopid ez ever, and
our leaders is ez akoot ez ever; but, alas! the fact
that we hev failed in every thing we hev undertook,
for four years, is gettin thro the hair uv
thousands, and they look askant at us.
Be it ez it may, it makes but little diffrence to
me. A few years, and I shel go hentz. Ef the
Bible is troo, I shel go where I will find a heavy
Dimekratik majority, shoor; ef it is not, and there
-- 411 -- p631-410
[figure description] Page 411.[end figure description]
is no hereafter, why, then, at last, I shel be on a
level with the best.
“So, let the wide world wag ez it will,”
I 'll keep on the even tenor uv my way, takin my
nips ez often ez I kin find a confidin sole who hez
more money than diskreshun.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
CXVI. THE BOW-LEGGED KNITE; OR, THE RED-HEADED APOTHECARY'S DOOM.
A THRILLIN TALE.
Chapter I.
'T was nite, in Posey County, Ingeany!
[For a full description uv sed nite, see Chapter I uv the author's last
and greatest work, “The Rival Blood-tubs; or, The Struggle for Crout.”]
The lovely Marguerite de Smythe wuz alone in
her chamber. Her hed wuz bowed on a table, on2
wich flickered the dim lite uv a cotton rag floatin
in a sarser uv lard. Her disheveled hair, her
elasticless stockins, and, more than all else, the
hole in the heel uv wun uv em, showed that she
wuz laborin under some feerful emotion. For
-- 412 --
[figure description] Page 412.[end figure description]
awhile she sot, her fair buzzum heevin like old
Ocean when Boreas smites it, her whole frame
quiverin like a peach-tree with a dozen little niggers
in it. At larst her overcharged feelins found
vent in tears.
“Marion!” she cried, “thy mop, girl!” and for
12 hours the faithful handmaiden mopped up the
pearly tears ez they fell from those beauteous
orbs, wringin the rags out of the winder.
“This suspense is intolerable,” muttered the
frenzied Marguerite. “I kin endoor it no longer.
Timothy! Timothy!” she shreeked, in a agony
uv despair.
Skasely hed the word left her lips ere a step
wuz heerd upon the stairs. It approached nearer
and nearer—“Thank Heven, 't is him!” screamed
the delited girl, ez she threw a buffalo-robe upon
the floor to faint on in case Timothy shood fale to
ketch her in his arms. Nearer and nearer the
step approached; a heavy hand wuz laid upon the
latch, the door flew open, and Marguerite rushed
into the arms uv—not Timothy—but the Bow-legged
Knite! A demoniakle smile played over
his sinister countenance ez, wringin the neck uv
Marion and pitchin her out uv the winder, he restored
the inannymate Marguerite 2 conshusnis,
by sousin a barl or 2 uv water upon her.
-- 413 --
Chapter II.
[figure description] Page 413.[end figure description]
Marguerite wuz kum 2, and boldly confronted
the hated monster who stood afore her.
“Villin! wretch! sanguinary skunk!” she exclaimed,
her nose turnin up in skorn until it
reached the top uv her head, and caught on a
hair-pin; “what wouldst thou with me?”
“Thy hand!”
“O, Heven! that I, the last uv a long and
noble line, shood live to hear this!” exclaimed the
maiden, drawin herself up to her full hite, by
means uv a pulley in the ceelin.
“Last uv a long and noble line! By my halidome,
thou speekest trooly—thou art the last uv
a long and noble line—a clothes-line! Thy father
hung himself with the one thy mother used in her
biznis. But enuff uv this. Mine thou must be.
Thou knowst me well. Cross my purposes, and I
am ez frackshus ez a two-year old colt with a
chestnut burr under his tail; humor me, and I
am ez amiable ez a chicken with dough afore it.
Ez for Timothy, yoo shel never wed him—his
doom is seeled! Let me but see him cast a look
on thee, and I 'll punch the low-born varlet in the
stumick—thus.”
And the Bow-legged Knite, drawin his shinin
-- 414 --
[figure description] Page 414.[end figure description]
blade, made 2 or 3 hundred passes at the wall,
endin by turnin a double-somerset.
Skasely wuz he dun, when the door flew open
and Timothy appeared. Marguerite shreeked,
while the Knite threw himself between the doomed
apothecary and the door, and drawd his sword.
“Ha! ha! ho! ho! I hev thee now, thou pillmixer!
thou peddler uv Injin remedies! Prepare
for instant death!” exclaimed the Knite, makin
a tremenjus blow. But the wary apothecary wuz
on his gard, and ez the blow descended, he stept
aside. Another blow, dodge; blow, dodge; blow,
dodge. Finally, the luckless apothecary, bearin
the lifeless form uv Marguerite, wuz in a corner.
Retreat wuz out uv the question, and further
dodgin impossible. A happy thot struck him.
Ez the sword uv the Knite desended, he dexterously
interposed the body uv Marguerite, ducked
his head, darted between the legs uv the Knite,
and run like a dog with a tin kittle tied to his
tail. The Knite, robbed uv his vengeance, and
seein his beloved Marguerite dead at his feet,
stabbed hisself and died also.
Chapter III.
2 months elapst. Timothy ventured back, and
a horrible site met his vision. The lovely
-- 415 --
[figure description] Page 415.[end figure description]
Marguerite wuz cut in 2, and the Knite, stun-dead,
wuz lyin beside her. But he wuz not to be discouraged
by small difficulties. Drawin the two
pieces uv the beloved Marguerite together, he applied
Radway's Ready Relief. “Thank Heven!”
he exclaimed, ez the flesh united. A dose of the
Renovatin Resolvent, follered immediately by Repeatin
Regulators, restored her to life, consciousnis,
appetite, and Timothy. They were married
the next day.
Timothy wuz not vindictive. Upon the Knite's
promisin never to molest him agin, he brought him
to life, and paid his fare to Shecago, where he is
now runnin a hack, and doin well.
[Note by the Author.—Singler ez it may appear to the reader, the
above beautiful tale wuz rejected by the conseetid editors of the Atlantic
Monthly! I wuz not born in Boston.]
THE EEND.
-- 416 -- p631-415
CXVII. GIVES HIS EXPERIENCE IN THE MATTER OF NEGRO IMPUDENCE.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
October the 1st, 1865.
[figure description] Page 416.[end figure description]
It is a cardinal principle in the Dimekratik
creed, that a nigger, taken from his normal state
uv subjekshun and placed on a level with men,
will bekum overbearin to a degree most irritatin
to the well-regulated Caucashen mind.
I kin testify on this pint from persnal experience.
Ten or fifteen years ago, when I wuz
younger than I am now, and the blood coursed
toomulchuser thro my vanes than it does now, in
the winter uv life, (years gathers wisdom uv mind
at the expense uv strength uv body,) I wuz, wun
summer—a very hot summer—wun day a layin on
my back, resolved in2 a committee uv ways and
means on the question uv suthin to eat. Hunger
overkum my nateral proclivities, and I wuz forst
to go to the nearest grocery and saw sum wood
for a froogal meal uv crackers and cheese and new
rum. While sweatin at this unwonted exertion,
and cussin Eve with all my powers uv cussin, for
eatin the froot that sprouted into sich bitter froot
ez I wuz then tastin, I resolved that ez woman
-- 417 --
[figure description] Page 417.[end figure description]
brought toil onto me, woman should release me
from it.
Droppin the saw, I to wunst went and washed
my face and offered myself in marriage to five
widders, each uv whom I knowd owned a good
farm. By each uv the five I wuz promptly rejectid,
amid peals uv lafture.
Nary once discouraged, I offered myself to 5
maidens whose fathers hed good farms, and wuz
five times rejected, in three cases bein ignominiously
kicked out uv the house.
Then I bethawt myself uv one more chance.
In the outskirts uv the town wuz a nigger wench,
who earned a very comfortable livin a washin.
Believin that the honor uv hevin a white husband
wood more than compensate her for the
extra labor uv supportin me, and bein sure that
she wood suffishently appreciate my condesenshun
in marryin her, I made her the tender uv my
hart and hand. She accepted, and we wuz married.
For a time all wuz peace. She insisted on my
accompanyin her to church, wich I did, among the
jeers uv the populace.
“Rail on!” thot I, “rail on! I kin stand yoor
railin better than the sweat nessary to answer the
demands uv a cravin stumick.”
-- 418 --
[figure description] Page 418.[end figure description]
Finally a crisis cum. The flour wuz out—the
pork-barl wuz empty—the taters wuz gone, and
the wood-pile waxed low, and Mrs. Nasby sejested
that I shood supply the achin void that wuz evident
in our house-keepin arrangements.
I replied that I sposed sich wuz the case, and
that she must go and buy, that we mite eat.
“Wha 's de money?” replied she.
“My deer,” retortid I, “yoo hev struck the entire
root uv the trubble in a breath. I hev no
objeckshun to the mere labor uv buyin the provisions—
nay, I wood even go so far as to tote em
home—hed I the money with wich to do it. That
money is for yoo to earn, to prokoor. Permit me
to sejest that yoo to wunst make yoorself the
agreeable foreground to a wash-tub that yoo wunst
wuz, and on the proceeds uv sed tablow we 'll eat
and be merry.”
“Wa-a-t!” sed she, growin white in the face;
“d' ye tink I 'se a-gwine to work to s'port myseff,
now I 'se married?”
“Trooly, I do,” sed I, calmly.
“And yoo, too?”
“Indubitably,” sed I, smilin at the absurdity uv
her questions.
She growd black in the face agin—a angry
gleam shot from her eyes, and her kinky hair
-- 419 --
[figure description] Page 419.[end figure description]
bekum straight. Suddenly I lost all consciousness.
I felt a sensation uv moving rapidly thro space.
For a minnit I fancied a tightnin sensation at my
throat and at the seat uv my pants, and all wuz
darkness. At last I awoke, and found that she
hed throwd me jest thirty feet out uv the door
into the front yard. I assoomed, then, all the authority
uv a husband. I demanded admittance,
when from a upper window appeared my angelic
spouse, who emptied on my head a bucket uv
skaldin water, informin me that I might expect
such treatment ez often ez I presented myself.
I left that town that nite, with my mind thoroughly
made up ez to the complete cussednis uv
the Ethiopian charikter. No sooner hed I elevated
that ongrateful woman to my level and
made her my ekal, than she expectid me to support
her, the same ez ef she hed bin uv my blood.
I left her in disgust, and to-day, I doubt not,
she and a child, half uv the cuss-tainted blood uv
Ham and half uv the proud Caucashen race,
mourn and weep my prolonged stay. Will I ever
go back? Not any. I made one effort to elevate
the race, and one is enuff. Cood I sell her and
the child, I wood; but ez that is illegal in this
Stait, she may tred her weary path alone.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
-- 420 -- p631-419
CXVIII. A FEW LAST WORDS.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
October the 15th, 1865.
[figure description] Page 420.[end figure description]
Dimekrats uv the Yoonited States! My
task is finisht. I hev throwd together the views,
opinyuns, and prophecies contained in the 4going
pages, ez so many finger-posts to guide yoo along
the road to success; ez so many bekon-lites to
warn yoo agin the quicksands and quagmires that
dot sed road here and there, and into wich so
many uv our most promisin travelers hev bin engulfed.
Alars! how many who set out when I
did, and stepped ez high ez a $1400 hoss, with
plated harness on, hev fallen into em. Free-soilism
wuz the fust wun, and into that Van Booren
and Chase drowndid theirselves. Popler sovereignty
wuz another, and into that Duglis swamped.
War, bloody war agin our Suthern brethrin, wuz
another, and into that nearly the entire party who
wuz wat the world calls decent enuff to soot the
aristocratic Ablishnist, plunged headlong, leavin
travelin in gloomy silence only a few, who, like
myself, can't change their habits enuff to git into
any other organization.
It is well for us that we can't. We shoodent
-- 421 --
[figure description] Page 421.[end figure description]
be comfortable anywhere else. Nacher never
wastes nothin—she gives us all we kin enjoy.
The bird that soars into the bloo empyrium wuz
made to soar into the bloo empyrium, and consekently
wuz provided with holler bones, and wings.
Spozn the elefant shood hev a cravin to soar into
the bloo empyrium, (I like that word—its hefty,)
woodent it be continyooally mizable becoz it coodent
sore into the bloo empyrium?
Likewise. Nacher alluz makes a stingy man
lean and thin. Why? Becoz. Spozn nacher
shood give a mean man the entrales and stumick
uv a liberal man and a good liver. Don't you see
that his hevin the sed entrales and stumick, and
the desires appertainin, and the meanness that
prevented his fillin em, wood make him mizable?
So, ez nacher did n't give him the disposition to
fill stumick and entrales, she did n't also give him
the stumick and entrales to fill.
All uv wich goes to show that we hev jest ez
much sense and decency ez we are capable uv enjoyin.
I am a old man, whose sands uv life hev neerly
run out, and, therefore, my words are entitled to
weight. In these pages I hev laid down rools
that must be follered religiously, ef we ever expect
to succeed. To recapitulate:
1. Skools are agin us. Compare stanch
-- 422 --
[figure description] Page 422.[end figure description]
Virginia, with nary a skool-house, and Ablishn Massychusitts,
dotted with em. When a man learns
to read he alluz gits conseetid, and goes to thinkin
for hisself.
2. Churches are, ez a rool. I bleeve in religion
when properly preached, but a preacher shood
only read sich passages ez Onesimus and Hayger.
But even then they are hardly safe. The members
attendin are apt to go to other churches, jest
to see the difference—then a revival snaps them
up, and wunst regelarly convertid, they go over
to the enemy without fail.
3. Whisky is alluz a safe tool in our hands.
When a man gits so ez to barter his vote for free
drinks, he is too low for tother party to reach
down to—he kin only find one bidder, and he 's
ours at our own price.
4. Never allow a man to skratch a tickit. It 's
a exercise uv his own will, wich can't be allowed.
The convenshuns decide not only what we are to
bleeve, but who we shel vote for. These rools is
general. There are others, but I will not go into
partickelers.
Wun duty devolves upon us, wich we must not
forget. Slavery, that divine system, by and thro
wich we, ez a party, wuz perpetooated for years,
must be agin revived. We can't git along without
it. We must hev suthin on wich the South
-- 423 --
[figure description] Page 423.[end figure description]
will be a unit—sum intrest so all-powerful ez to
swaller up all causes uv diffrence down there,
smooth down all miner pints, and forse em to be
troo to Dimokrasy. Then, for them to control,
they must hev us, for they don't compose half uv
this Union, except in the article uv impudence, uv
wich they hev at least three-fourths. Us they
must hev to carry enuff Congressional deestricks
to give em a majority; enuff Staits North to elect
the President uv their choice, that thro them they
may control things ez they want to.
Uv coarse, they will hold all the heavy orfises
on the skore uv pekooliar fitnis, the South alluz
hevin bin the nursery uv statesmen; but, thank
Heven, the post-orfises and collectorships, and sich,
they don't want, and them we will hev.
A standin hatred uv Noo England must be
stidily inkulkated; not only stidily, but viggerusly
and enthoosiastikly. Them Staits are a growin
rich off uv us, jest the same ez in a strikly Dimekratik
community one smart doggry-keeper absorbs
all the capital. Therefore, we must hate
her, and that hate is a lever uv power for us. Let
us all jine in hatin Noo England.
I hev no apologies to offer for any sentimence
contained in these pages. I may not hev sed
enuff agin the nigger—I may not hev suffishently
-- 424 --
[figure description] Page 424.[end figure description]
aboozed Noo England—I may hev bin too easy on
Linkin, and I may hev sed too much for Micklellan.
But, ef this be so, these errors must be
inskribed to my head, and not to my heart. That
I am sound to the core in my Dimokrasy, let my
noze, and the fact that I never skratched a tikit,
attest.
In concloosion.
To the leaders I recommend akootnis, energy,
and perseverance.
To the voters, steddinis, submission, and unquestionin
fidelity.
To orfis-holders in our Staits, liberality, and ez
much honesty ez is consistent with their own interests
and the interests uv the party.
To our friends, my love!
To our enemies, my burnin cuss!
Adoo! Farewell!
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
THE END.
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[figure description] Page 070.[end figure description]
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[figure description] Page 206.[end figure description]
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-- 227 --
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[figure description] Page 089.[end figure description]
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[figure description] Page 247.[end figure description]
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Locke, David Ross, 1833-1888 [1866], Divers views, opinions, and prophecies of yoors trooly, Petroleum V. Nasby. (R. W. Carroll & Co., Cincinnati) [word count] [eaf631T].
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