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The design of this little book forbids that I should do
more than cursorily touch upon many incidents in the history
of Quodlibet, which, although abundant of interest to
the curious reader, are not so immediately connected with
the main purpose of this work—that purpose being to unfold
the operation of the great principle of the New Light Quodlibetarian
theory.

Whenever the time shall arrive, as I would fain persuade
myself it must, in which the public shall feel such concern
in the affairs of Quodlibet as to demand of me a full disclosure
of the treasures of my MSS., I shall greatly delight
in spreading before it many particulars which I have collected,
having reference to the private concernments and
domestic transactions of our people and their sundry ways
in regard to many matters which do not fall within the scope
of my present undertaking. For, truly, the history of Quodlibet
will be found, when impartially narrated, to yield a
plentiful fruitage of ethical, moral and social instruction, as

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well as political—to which latter aspect are my labors at
this time confined.

In conformity with my plan, and being desirous to hasten
forward to a more modern epoch in these annals, I pass over
the intervening space, and bring my reader almost a year in
advance of the events narrated in the last chapter.

It was now approaching the Fifth year of the Removal:—
the long session of Congress had closed in July, 1838. The
Hon. Middleton Flam had once more returned to his constituents,
and temporarily mingled in the walks of private
life. Greatly was his return desiderated at this epoch. We
had got all wrong—we lacked information—we wanted this
great man's advice.

The split at this time—if I may use a metaphor—was
green and wide—or, in plainer language, our dissensions ran
high. If the men might be said to be at sixes and sevens,
the women were twice as bad—they were at twelves and
fourteens. Mrs. Ferret had become inveterate and headed
a party of Feminine True Grits; Susan Barndollar, who
had a temper of her own, of course became inveterate too,
and, as Barndollar & Hardbottle were accounted a rich firm,
she headed, or strove to do so, a party of Feminine Mandarins.
Hester Hardbottle, under a similar impulse, took
command of the Female Middlings. Thus marshalled, the
New Light women manifested a very high degree of political
coruscation and kept the Borough in perpetual hot water.
Every tea party was a scalding concern, and it was lamentable
to see what a foothold the serpent of discord had gained
in our little Eden of Quodlibet.

The men were not so ferocious; in part because they had
their business to look after; but chiefly, because the stronger,
when they failed in argument, could drub the weaker—and
that drubbing system is a great moderator of political opinions.
The women having neither of these motives to keep

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quiet took the bits in their mouths and ran off as fast as,
and whenever, they chose.

Theodore Fog's conduct in the Legislature, during the
past winter, had in some degree rather weakened the cause
of his friends. He had disappointed them—although they
were unwilling publicly to allow as much—on two points:
First, because he had not got them all provided with offices,
as he had, it appeared, secretly promised; but, on the contrary,
came home without having accomplished that desirable
object for a single individual of the party: and, Secondly,
because he had been exceedingly irregular in his habits
during the whole session, and had consequently made but
four speeches, of three hours each, during the winter, when
it was confidently expected that he would have made at
least thirty-four, and have completely silenced the opposition.
The irregularity of his habits they could forgive;—but the
matter of the offices sunk deep in their hearts—they began
to suspect his democracy.

A change had also taken place in the business affairs of
Quodlibet. All improvements had ceased:—many persons
were out of employment; industry was declining; trade
was at a low ebb; the mechanics were grumbling, and four
mercantile houses had failed. Immediately after the suspension
Nicodemus Handy had issued a great amount of
small notes. Dr. Thomas G. Winkelman, actuated by
patriotic emotions, also issued a batch payable in soda water,
soap or physic. Zachary Younghusband, the tinplate worker
and postmaster, reflecting on the crisis, and being determined
to contribute his mite towards the regulation of the
currency, followed the example of Dr. Winkelman, and
put out a ream, redeemable in Copperplate Bank notes when
presented to the amount of five dollars at his tinplate shop.
Sim Travers, who had a drinking shed at the lower end of
the canal basin, with equal public spirit, uttered his paper

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in fips, “Good for a Drink.” Many others imitated these
precedents, whereby it fell out that no part of the Union
was better supplied with a currency than Quodlibet.

Still the Borough languished and pined under a gradual
decay of its prosperity; and it was long before our wise men
could ascertain the real source of this decline. The cause was
at last discovered. We are indebted for its development to
the astuteness of our distinguished representative. There
were eight of the principal mercantile houses of the Borough
which had been established by Whigs: in fact, throwing
out Barndollar & Hardbottle, all the merchants of Quodlibet
might be said to be opposed to the administration. It
was very apparent, after the Hon. Middleton Flam drew the
attention of the Club to this fact, that these houses had
combined to produce an utter prostration of business, solely
for political effect, and that the malevolence of four of the
most thriving amongst them had gone so far as even to render
themselves bankrupt, and to break up, for no earthly purpose
but that of making the administration unpopular. “This is
a specimen of the gratitude,” said Mr. Flam, speaking with
great emotion upon the subject, “this is the gratitude of
these commercial vultures (he always called them commercial
vultures after the Suspension, and when speaking to the
people) for all the manifold favors and bounties which, for
five years past, the government has been so assiduously
heaping upon their heads. This is their acknowledgment
of the extraordinary kindness shown them by the Secretary
of the Treasury when he directed our Bank to lend these
vipers the public money! Biddle and the Barings are at the
bottom of this conspiracy; and the merchants of the United
States, yes, and the manufacturers and all the moneyed
men would gladly beggar themselves and their families,
rather than allow us to regulate their currency and make

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them the happiest people on earth. What unparalleled
perfidy!”

After this, the New Lights of course became indignant
against the merchants, and held them up, as they deserved,
to public execration, as the authors of all our misfortunes.
From Quodlibet, this sentiment became general amongst
the New Light democrats every where. Mr. Van Buren
caught the idea; the Globe expatiated upon it; the Stump
rang with it; and it soon took its place as one of the cardinal
maxims in the New Light creed. Such is the supremacy
of one commanding intellect!

Never was there a topic equal to this in the elections.
“The merchants,” Theodore Fog very pertinently remarked,
“are a first rate subject for a stump speech: they are a
monstrous little knot of fellows, any how—and, comparatively
speaking, of no sort of account, in the way of voting.
Having the handling of a good deal of cash, and plenty to
do in the way of giving and taking of promissory notes, you
can slap upon them the argument of The Money Power,
with tremendous effect: you can tickle them with the whip
of aristocracy in perfection; and you can run 'em down with
the text of the money changers in the Temple, and all that
sort of thing, to a nicety. Besides, there are so few of them
that either can make a speech before the people, or, if they
can, will take the trouble to follow a man about for that
purpose, that you are not likely to be pestered with their
replies. Capital animals for an opposition, they take a
lathering so quiet. Then, sir, for every one merchant you
lay upon his back, you gain five True Grits to your side.
I've studied that out. Our people, I mean the New Lights,
can be made to hate a merchant like snakes—because if he
does get on well with his business, and makes a little fortune,
we can call him a Rag Baron, a Ruffle Shirt, a Scrub
Aristocrat,—and that's equal to sending him to the deserts of

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Arabia: and if he fails, as the greater part of the poor devils
do, we can get up a still worse cry against him, for turning
the humble and honest laborer out of employment, grinding
the faces of the poor, depriving the widow and the orphan of
their bread, and coining the sweat of the Bone and Sinew's
brow to feed Usurers, Brokers and Shavers. And by the
by, these arguments are quite good against manufacturers
and whig master-mechanics. But a merchant, sir, can't
hold up his head one moment before them. Every which
way, sir, he's a prime scape-goat. Then, sir, when we
want to make an EXPERIMENT,—why, of course, we go to
the merchants. Here's all this currency business, especially
the tail of it, the Sub Treasury—fine thing to stir up the
people with—sounds well in theory, though a little mischievous
in practice. Well, sir, we test it on the merchants:
we get the popularity, they get the damage. The approved
philosophical mode to try a dangerous experiment, is to
attempt it on a cat:—sir, The Merchants are our cats.”

Mr. Flam, seeing the state of our divisions, took a great
deal of trouble to restore harmony into our ranks, and certainly
did much to overawe the True Grits, who, now fancying
themselves in the ascendant, became very dictatorial.
Eliphalet Fox, although he took every occasion to speak in
his paper greatly in commendation of Mr. Flam, was, nevertheless,
an active upholder of The True Grit division. “Our
worthy representative,” he said, “was happily stationed
above the influence of these little family quarrels; and it
was undoubtedly a subject of congratulation with that distinguished
gentleman, that every section of the great democratic
household of Quodlibet could cordially unite in testimonials
of their confidence in his talents, his patriotism and
his fidelity to the interests of his constituents.”

This paragraph was considered a master-stroke of New
Light democracy in Eliphalet, because its tendency was to

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keep him and his paper on good terms with all parties supporting
the administration, while it left him free to pursue
the paramount objects which the True Grits steadily kept in
view.

These objects were the attainment of all the lucrative
offices in our district,—a striking exemplification of which
now occurred in the celebrated Tigertail affair. That affair
my duty as a chronicler requires me to notice.

A secret meeting of the True Grits had been lately held
in the Borough. The subject in discussion was a weighty
one. It was reported to this conclave, that Ferox Tigertail,
the marshal of this district, who resided and kept his office
in Bickerbray, had in his employment two individuals of
suspicious principles. The first was Washington Cutbush,
a clerk, who had been overheard to say, at the Sycamore
Spring, in a confidential conversation with his brother-in-law,
Lemuel Garret, that he began to think Tom Benton's
gold currency a HUMBUG! The second was Corney Dust,
the porter and firemaker of the office, who, there was reason
to believe, had voted at the last election for Agamemnon
Flag. Upon these facts being vouched to the meeting by
Magnus Morehead, the True Grit shoemaker in the borough,
and Sandy Buttercrop, the express rider, message carrier,
baggage porter, and follower of sundry other visible means
of livelihood, it was resolved that a committee of three, to
consist of Eliphalet Fox, Dr. Winkelman, and Nim Porter,
should wait upon Mr. Tigertail, communicate to him the full
extent of the charge, and require him, in the name of The
Exclusive, New Light, True Grit Democrats of Quodlibet,
forthwith to dismiss Washington Cutbush from his office, and
substitute Magnus Morehead in his place; and also to super-sede
Corney Dust by the appointment of Sandy Buttercrop.

The committee in pursuance of these instructions, visited
the marshal, and explained the object of their mission in

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respectful but firm language. Tigertail, being a choleric
man and an old Federalist to boot,—who had been converted
to the New Light faith about eight years ago, at the
date of the renewal of his commission,—heard the committee
with exemplary composure; and then setting his eyes,
with a fixed glare, upon Eliphalet Fox, he waited about ten
seconds—at the end of which brief period of deliberation,
he kicked the said Eliphalet clean out of his office:—and this
being done to his entire satisfaction, he rather testily invited
Dr. Winkelman and Nim Porter to follow their chairman.
It is due to these two gentlemen to say, that like good committee
men, they did so,—even anticipating the Marshal's
invitation to the adoption of that course of conduct.

This incident being faithfully reported by the committee
to the meeting of True Grits, convened for the express purpose
of learning the result, it was unanimously resolved,—
First, that Tigertail's demeanor was mysterious, equivocal
and unexpected: Secondly, that it was unpolite to Eliphalet
Fox: and Thirdly, that it was against the principles and
usages known to the New Light Democracy. Another
resolution was adopted to lay the whole matter before the
President of the United States, and to instruct him, as the
Representative of the People, to dismiss Marshal Tigertail,
without delay, from his post; and confer it upon the injured
Eliphalet Fox, whose kicking entitled him to the deepest
sympathy of the party, and gave him, according to a well-established
maxim of the New Lights, a right to immediate
preferment.

These resolutions imparted great satisfaction to the meeting,
and no doubt was entertained that the President would
act upon the subject with that promptitude which distinguishes
his character. Marshal Tigertail was looked upon
as a doomed man, and no better than a whig; and indeed
he was already considered as having joined that party. Dr.

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Thomas G. Winkleman, Nim Porter and Dabbs the compositor,
were entrusted with this embassy of instruction to
the President;—Eliphalet Fox being left out of the deputation
from obvious considerations of delicacy—a sentiment
which it must be allowed has ever characterised the proceedings
of the True Grits on all occasions, and which many of
the most observant and sagacious of that sect have asserted
has been the principal cause of the failure of their schemes.

The new deputation lost no time in setting forth upon
the execution of their duty. They were attended to the
stage coach by a large number of True Grits, who, to use
the language of Theodore Fog, “signalised their departure
with indignant pomp.” Great expectations were indulged
on this appeal, or rather this mandate to the President.
Day after day passed by without bringing news
from the mission:—the Globe was taken from each mail
with increased avidity, in the hope of seeing some official
announcement of the removal of Tigertail. A provoking
silence on that point reigned throughout its columns. Ten
days rolled on without a letter from the Committee:—a
fortnight wore away, and yet none had returned. A traveller
at last reported that he had seen Nim Porter at the
White Sulphur Springs. It was ascertained that Dr. Winkelman
was in the city of New York purchasing drugs for
his shop; and upon investigation it was discovered that
Dabbs had been at his work in the printing office, unknown
to the Borough, for more than a week. By a singular coincidence
of feeling amongst the True Grits, all curiosity as
to the fate of the mission, suddenly subsided. The subject
was treated with indifference; and in the course of a few
days, after both Dr. Winkelman and Nim Porter had returned
home, when the Throughblue Whole Team put
forth a paragraph inquiring after the Tigertail Embassy;
the Whole Hog came out with a petulant and snappish

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reply, affirming that the report of such a mission was a
mere Whig lie coined with a view to political effect, and
uttered in the Whole Team simply because “that mendacious
and filthy sheet delighted to revel in falsehood, and had
never been known to stumble upon the truth, even by accident.”
Dr. Winkelman studiously avoided all reference to
his absence from the Borough, and Nim Porter was equally
cautious for about a month—at the expiration of which
period Neal Hopper happened to say, in his presence, he
had good reason to know that Marshall Tigertail was no
favorite with the President, and would be removed from
office before the end of the next congress;—whereupon Nim,
very unguardedly and under a sudden, uncontrollable impulse,
planted himself before the miller and said,

“I'll be d—d if I don't bet you one hundred dollars to
ten upon that.”

“Well, I s'pose you know?” said Neal, struck by Nim's
peremptory manner.

“Conclusively and distinctly,” replied Nim with some
heat.—“If you think Liphalet Fox is going to be the
marshal you're most d—mnably mistaken:—I know Martin
Van Buren,” he added with some display of self-importance,
“considerably—and I can tell you that he goes the whole
figure against rotation in this individual and identical case.
He's a Mandarin from snout to tail—trained up from the
gum, and would'nt touch a True Grit with a forty foot pole.
Martin has defined his position emphatically. There can't
be a possibility of mistake upon the subject.”

“Do you mean to say that you heard him say so?” inquired
William Goodlack, the tailor, a strenuous member
of the True Grits, looking angrily at Nim.

“That's neither here nor there,” replied Nim. “But
I'll stand to the bet of one hundred dollars to ten, that Tigertail's
not turned out of office this year:—you are

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welcome to take it yourself, Billy Goodlack, if you're a mind
for a bet.”

“Whoever said Tigertail ought to be turned out,” asked
Goodlack peevishly, “'cepting Neal Hopper who picked
up such a story out of the nine thousand lies of the Whole
Team?”

From this little brush with Nim Porter, and from the
looks that passed between the parties engaged in it, there
was room for the inference that the President did'nt give
much encouragement to the committee who went to him
with instructions to turn out the marshal: and this is nearly
every thing that has ever transpired in Quodlibet upon that
subject. It is very certain that, for some time after this date,
the True Grits were not so bold as a party as they had been
before. Eliphalet Fox was undoubtedly much chop-fallen
during all the following winter.

p239-170

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