I found my cousin Pattie also in her satins, and
Nora Magee, whom she had resolved to take with
her, decked out with extraordinary splendour; and,
what I thought was diverting enough, the creature
had a long bridal veil like her mistress, and as huge
a cloak to conceal her person from observation.
They were prepared to start, with each her bundle
at hand; and they hailed my appearance with delight.

But there was a difficulty before us; my uncle
Wilkins was yet in the house, and so was Sammy.
As for the latter, I soon got rid of him by sending
him to Alicia, as I mentioned before; but my uncle
we could not remove. My cousin's affectation of
sickness (to confirm which, and conceal her nuptial
preparations, she kept aloof in her chamber, or pretended
to do so) concerned him, and he refused to
leave the house; but, being left to himself, we

[figure description] Page 237.[end figure description]

knew he would soon drop asleep, that being one of
his rustical propensities.

By-and-by, while we were discoursing upon our
difficulties, we heard a carriage drive by; and just
as it passed the door, the coachman gave three
loud cracks with his whip. It was a sign I had
agreed upon with the fellow, and I knew all was
now in readiness. I proposed that we should instantly
steal down stairs, and—

At that moment I heard the front door softly
open and shut.

“Who's that?” said I.

“Ah! I'm sure I don't know,” said my cousin
Pattie, turning so pale I thought she was going to
fall down in a faint; “perhaps it is Mr. Tickle.
Yes!” she cried, recovering her spirits, and almost
jumping for joy,—“now we'll sort him! I'll show
him how I serve fortune-hunters, I reckon! I'll
lock him up in a closet, I will; and there he shall
kick his heels till morning, and I don't care if the
rats eat him, I don't.—Oh, goody gracious! he's
coming up stairs!” she cried: “was there ever anybody
so impudent? But I'll fix him. Here, cousin
Ikey, do you run in here,”—pointing to her
chamber,—“and don't let him see you.”

“No,” said I, thinking it proper to appear courageous,
“I will face the faithless rascal, and punish
his impertinence on the spot.” I had no idea of
doing any such thing, which, of course, must have
alarmed my uncle, and I intended to yield to Pattie's
fears and importunity, swallow my wrath for

[figure description] Page 238.[end figure description]

the present, and conceal myself, as she recommended.
But my display of resistance awoke the indignation
of Nora Magee, who cried, “Och, the divil
take him thin; does he mane to rob us of our husbands?”
and seizing me by the shoulders, she
thrust me towards the chamber.

“Run in, cousin Ikey,” said my cousin, driving
the Irish barbarian away, but seizing me herself,
and urging me into the chamber, while she seemed
dying with suppressed mirth. “You'll see how
Nora will sort him,—you'll hear it. You mustn't
speak a word; and, ods fishes, you must remember
to behave yourself,”—here she seemed more diverted
than ever,—“ods fishes, you must behave yourself
in a lady's chamber.”

At that moment Nora blew out the light, so that
we were left in darkness, and my cousin locked
the door, thus, as I supposed, dividing us from the
enemy. “I say, Pattie, my soul,” said I, whispering
in her ear, “what is Nora going to do with
him?” But she answered me not a word, and I
took that as a hint to hold my own peace. The
next instant I heard a rustling in the next room, and
the voice of Jack Tickle saying softly, and almost
in my own words,

“I say, Pattie, my soul, what did you blow out
the light for? Where are you?—Oh! you divine
creature!” and I heard the smack of a kiss, that
quite astonished me.

“Pattie,” said I, “what the deuse is the meaning
of that?”

[figure description] Page 239.[end figure description]

But Pattie was as dumb as before. The rustling
was transferred from the antechamber (I had
taught my cousin to call it her boudoir) into the
passage, and I could tell, by the creaking of a step,
that my friend Tickle was going down stairs.

“Pattie,” said I, “what's in the wind now?”

But still Pattie refused to answer me.

While I was wondering at her silence, now that
there was no fear of being overheard, I again distinguished
the sound of the house door softly opened
and shut.

“I say, Pattie,” said I, “what the devil is all
that? and pray why don't you speak?”

It occurred to me that her silence was all owing
to a fit of bashfulness, caused by her having me
locked up in the chamber with her.

“Pattie,” said I, reaching out my hands, but
without being able to reach her, “you shouldn't
be bashful nor nothing, considering we're to be
married in less than half an hour. I say, Pattie,
what are we to do now? where are you?”

While I spoke I heard a carriage again rattle
by the door, and, to my astonishment, the coachman
saluted the house with three such cracks of
his whip as my own had given a few minutes
before.

“Pattie,” said I, while a cold sweat broke over
my limbs, “where are you, and why don't you
speak?”

I felt about the door for her, but felt in vain;
I listened for the sound of her breath, hoping she

[figure description] Page 240.[end figure description]

might have hidden herself out of sheer mischief,
but not a breath was to be heard; I went feeling
about the chamber, and with as little effect.

A horrible suspicion seized upon my fancy.
There were two doors to the apartment, one opening
upon the passage, the other into the boudoir;
and both were locked as fast as doors could be.
Where was the key my cousin Pattie turned
when we entered the chamber together? It was
gone. I discovered its absence, and looked round
the chamber in astonishment and dismay.

At that moment some person in Mr. Periwinkle
Smith's house, which was right opposite, entered a
front chamber therein with a light, which streamed
into the windows of Pattie's apartment with a lustre
sufficient to make every object visible. My
cousin Pattie was not to be seen! I looked under
the bed, and into the bed; examined the presses,
and peeped behind the chairs; but no cousin Pattie
was to be found. She had locked me in the
chamber, but not herself! Horror of horrors! she
had played a trick upon me! she had jilted me! and—
ay! there was no doubting it a moment longer—
she had run off with my friend Tickle! “I'll show
you how I serve fortune-hunters,” said she—“lock
him up in a closet—kick his heels till morning—
eaten up by rats—shall hear yourself how I'll serve
your rival Tickle.” Death and destruction! and,
after all, she has run away with him!—eloped in
the very carriage I provided! married by the parson
I engaged! decamped with the forty thousand

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I secured! and I—I, the unfortunate, jilted, cozened
I—was the person left kicking my heels in a closet!

The idea filled me with phrensy; and the light
from Mr. Periwinkle Smith's house being removed
at the moment, I tumbled over a chair that lay in
my way, and besides breaking my head and shin,
woke up such a din in the house that the very
servants in the kitchen bounced up in alarm, and
screamed out for assistance.

“What's the matter, Pattie?” said my uncle
Wilkins, turning the key which the faithless creature
had left sticking in the outside of the door, and
entering: “I say, Pattie, ods bobs, what's the—
Lord bless us, cousin Ikey! is that you? what's
the matter? what are you doing in Pattie's chamber?”

I answered my uncle Wilkins only by opening
my mouth as wide as I could, and staring at him
in anguish, horror, and despair.

“Where's Pattie?” said he, in alarm.

The question restored me to my faculties.

“Eloped,” said I; “cheated me beyond all expression,
and run off with my rival Jack Tickle.”

“What a fool!” said my uncle, recovering his
composure; “I'm sure I never opposed her.”

“So much for not giving her to me!” said I.

“To you!” said my uncle.

“Uncle Wilkins,” said I, “from this moment I
shall cut your acquaintance. Pattie has jilted me
so horribly you can't conceive, and has married
Jack Tickle!”

p016-251

[figure description] Page 242.[end figure description]

“Well,” said my uncle, “where's the harm?
To be sure, and a'n't he as good now as worth
ten thousand a year?”

“Not worth a cent!” said I, shaking my fists at
the old gentleman—and then drumming on my own
breast—“not worth a cent, and down in every tailor's
books in town, except Snip's, who wouldn't
trust him.”

“Oh, you villain!” said my uncle Wilkins,
“how you've cheated me!”

He ran down stairs, and I after him; he was
bent upon pursuing his daughter—and so was I.