Three days after I had established my uncle in
his new house, the fair Miss Smith was married.

It was a great blow to me, and I mused with
melancholy on the fickleness of the sex, wondering

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what it was in woman's nature that enabled her so
easily to change from one love to another. I considered
myself very badly used; and the more I
thought of the wedding-present, and the seventy
thousand dollars in bonds and mortgages, the more
deeply did I feel my loss. I read the announcement
of her marriage in the newspaper, cursed her
inconstancy and hard-heartedness, and gave myself
up to grief the whole morning. She had certainly
used me ill, but by dinner-time I remembered I
had served her pretty much in the same way.

Besides, my cousin Pattie (I always dined with
my uncle Wilkins, of course, and intended soon to
live with him altogether) looked uncommonly
handsome, and “Who knows,” said I to myself,
“whether she won't have more than Miss Smith,
after all?” In addition to this great consolation, I
had another in a few days; and the two together
quite comforted me for the loss of Periwinkle's
daughter. But of this in its place.

In three days' time, as I have mentioned, I had
my uncle Wilkins in his new house, and was busy
polishing the family. But the task was harder than
I supposed. The rusticities of my uncle were inveterate;
and as for Sammy, the only change I
could effect in him was such as the tailor effected
for me. I found him a clown, and a clown I left
him. I should have given him up after the first
day, had it not been that his father kept him pretty
well supplied with pocket-money; which was an
advantage to me, for I never could borrow any thing

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of my uncle. I therefore treated him civilly, and
carried him about to divers places, taking good care,
however, that he should not fall into the hands of
my friend Tickle, or any other poor dandy.

My cousin Pattie was more docile; and I perceived
that as soon as I should cure her of a mischievous
habit she had of playing tricks upon everybody
in the house, and myself too, upon occasions,
she would be fit for any society.

As soon as my uncle had procured a carriage,
(and I took care it should be a good one—I made
an effort to buy my fine old thousand-dollar bays,
but Mr. Doolittle would not part with them), I took
her out airing and shopping, to teach her how
to behave in public; and I contracted with Mrs.
Pickup, who lived close by, and who it was supposed,
on account of her six balls, would make a
favourable sensation, to chaperon her for the season.
I took care to bestow her patronage among
the aunts and sisters of my tradespeople in such a
way as to advance my own credit; and thinking
it would be to my advantage to have such a friend
near her, I recommended Nora Magee to her for a
maid, although Nora was not quite so genteel as I
should have wished.

In short, I did every thing that was proper to
prepare her way for the approaching season; and
as soon as I thought her fit to receive company,
went round among all the leading fashionables, and
requested them to visit her.

It was here that the invaluable nature of my

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services on behalf of my country kinsfolk was
shown, as I took care to make them understand;
for without me to help them, or some other equally
genteel person, my uncle and cousins might as
well have tried to get into Congress as into good
society. My request was not granted until I had
answered ten thousand different questions, and
removed as many scruples, on the part of the monarchs
of the mode. There were a thousand reasons
why my uncle's family should be denied admission
into that elegant society they were so ambitious
to enter; and nothing but the force of my
recommendations ensured them success.

My labours on this occasion made me familiar
with the principles upon which republican aristocratic
society is founded; and as these principles
are not universally understood, even in America, I
think I can do nothing better than explain them,
for the benefit of all my young and aspiring readers.

The pretensions of any individual to enter the
best society of the republic depend upon his
respectability; and the measure of this is determined
by the character of his profession, if he
have one—if not, by that of his father. I never
knew even the most exclusive and fastidious of
examiners to carry his scrutiny so far back as a
grandfather; for, indeed, all our grandfathers in
America were pretty much alike, and the sooner
we forget them the better.

The first profession in point of dignity is that of

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a gentleman, who has nothing to do but to spend
his revenue, if he has one. There are some gentlemen
well received in good society who live upon
their wits; but they are born in it. Poor gentlemen,
not already in society, had better not try to
get into it; for rich men who have romantic daughters
are afraid of them. A gentleman, then, always
stands a fair chance of being admitted; and if his
father was of a respectable profession, he is received
with open arms. The preference accorded to
this class is just, since founded upon nature. All
occupations are more or less disgraceful; a strong
proof of which is found in the fact that all primitive
nations, such as the Hottentots, and North
American Indians, look upon them with contempt,
considering idleness and war as the only business
for gentlemen. Providence, indeed, ordained that
men should live by the sweat of their brows; but
it is horrid ungenteel to do so.

The next profession in point of dignity is law;
and lawyers, as I may say, form the true effective
nobility of America; for though the mere gentlemen
deem themselves higher and purer, they are
pretty generally considered by others as only the
lady-dowagers of society. But the lady-dowagers
sometimes consider the gentility of lawyers doubtful.

The third profession is that of arms, which owes
its consideration mainly to the women; who,
although the ministers of love and mercy to man,
are wondrous fond of those who deal in blood

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and gunpowder. These are the only respectable
professions in America.

Divinity, physic, merchandise, agriculture, and
politics, are the only others from which a man is
occasionally allowed to enter good society. But
they are considered low, and it is only peculiar circumstances
which can give any of their followers
a claim to rise.

I have said that the claim of the gentlemen to
consider themselves the highest class is founded
in nature. They form the nucleus of society,
and around them, as they are admitted, the members
of the other professions establish the grand
order of fashion. According to their creed, law is
a respectable profession, because it keeps down
the mob, or people, by keeping them constantly by
the ears, and because it makes money; and arms
they hold to be reputable, because it does the same
thing, and paves the way to the presidency. Divinity
and physic they consider to be naturally low
occupations, since their provinces are only to take
care of dirty souls and bodies. Merchandise is
denounced, since it consists of both buying and
selling, whereas, buying is the only part of traffic
that is fit for a gentleman. Agriculture is contemned,
because there are so many clodhoppers
engaged in it; and politics, because it demands
consociation with the mob.

In these five professions, however, certain fortunate
circumstances may give a claim to notice. Parsons
(who are often doctors of divinity and always

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reverends) and physicians are titled gentry, and this
counts in their favour; and the same thing may be
said of politicians, when they rise to be secretaries
of departments or foreign ministers, or become
renowned as orators: great distinction will secure
them favour, for they are then people that people
look at. Merchants are allowed to be respectable
as soon as they are worth a million, provided they
have two or three daughters and no sons, and are
willing to be splendid in their entertainments. An
agriculturist of our own latitudes can never expect
to be made respectable; but a planter of cotton
or tobacco, who owns a hundred negroes, and
puts the name of his farm or the county he lives
in after his own, has as good a chance as any.

All other classes are vulgar and mechanical,
and therefore ineligible. Men of science and genius
are excluded on account of their manners,
which are outlandish, and their arrogant display of
superiority, which is disagreeable; and as for the
actors, dancers, and singers that are sometimes met
with, the two first are admitted, because they are
foreign and famous, and the last, because they bring
good music for nothing.

From this exposition of the code of society, it
will be seen that my uncle Wilkins could boast but
slender claims to an introduction. His occupation
had been vulgar, and he had not made money
enough to ennoble him. I trebled his two hundred
and ninety thousand, as is usual, but I could not

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deny that his son was named Sammy, and his
daughter Pattie.

But what spoke highly in his favour was, that
whatever had been his profession, he had now
abandoned it, with the praiseworthy intention of
living a gentleman during the remainder of his life;
and what was also advantageous, he had pursued it
at such a distance from the haunts of fashion that
his new friends might, with the greatest propriety,
affect an entire ignorance of it.

His having a daughter, too, and but one son to
divide with her his eight hundred and seventy thousand—
that is to say, his two hundred and ninety—
was also a strong recommendation to those mammas
who had sons to provide for; and his determination
to indulge the fair Pattie in as many balls and parties
as she desired, was another circumstance to
propitiate favour.

But, to crown all, I countenanced him; and that
settled the matter. In a few days' time there was
such a rattle and trampling at the brewer's door as
had never been known before. The whole square
was in commotion, being choked up with carriages;
and such was the throng of genteel people rushing
into the house, that an unsophisticated dealer in
second-hand furniture, supposing there was an auction
to be held, stalked into the parlour, and electrified
everybody by wondering, in the way of a
question not addressed to any particular person,
“when the sale was to begin?”

In short, the thing was settled; my uncle was

p016-221 [figure description] Page 212.[end figure description]

dubbed a gentleman, and every occurrence went to
show that in the approaching season his rank would
be confirmed, and his daughter recognised as a
belle by everybody in town.

But before that time a change came o'er the
spirit of my fate, and— But I shall confess the
whole affair to the reader.