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Having thus shuffled the cares of business from
my shoulders to another's, my time began to
weigh a little heavily on my hands, and I cast
about for some amusement that might enable me
to get rid of it. As there was great abundance of
small game, such as quails, partridges, and rabbits,
in the neighbourhood, I resolved to turn
sportman; and, in consequence, I bought me a
dog and gun, and began to harry the country with
some spirit. But having the misfortune to shoot
my dog the first day, and, soon after, a very valuable
imported cow, belonging to a neighbour, for
which I was obliged to pay him enormous damages,
and meeting besides with but little luck, I
grew disgusted with the diversion. My last shot
was soon fired; for, having forgotten the provisions
of our game-laws, I killed a woodcock
too early in the summer, for which, on the information
of a fellow who owed me a grudge, I was
prosecuted, although it was the only bird I ever
killed in all my life, and soundly fined; and this
incensed me so much, that I resolved to have
nothing more to do with an amusement that cost

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so much money, and threw me into so many difficulties.

I was then at a loss how to pass my time, until
a neighbour, who bred fine horses, persuaded me
to buy a pair of blooded colts, and try my luck on
the turf; and this employment, though rather too
full of cares and troubles to suit me exactly, I
followed with no little spirit, and became more
proud of my horses than I can well express, until
I came to try them on the race-course, where it
was my luck, what with stakes and betting together,
to lose more money in a single day, than
my father had ever made in two years together.
I then saw very clearly that horse-racing was
nothing better than gambling, and therefore both
disreputable and demoralizing; for which reason I
instantly gave it up, heartily sick of the losses it
had occasioned me.

My overseer, or steward,—for such he may be
considered,—whom I always esteemed a very sensible
fellow, for he was shrewd and energetic, and
at least ten years my senior, then advised me, as I
was a young man, with money enough, to travel a
little, and see the world: and accordingly I went
to New-York, where I was robbed of my luggage
and money by a villain whose acquaintance I made
in the steamboat, and whom I thought a highly
intelligent, gentlemanly personage; though, as it
afterward appeared, he was a professor from Sing-Sing,
where he had been sawing stone for two
years, the governor of New-York having forgiven

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him, as is the custom, the five other years for
which he was committed for, I believe, a fraud
committed on his own father.

This loss drove me home again; but being reencouraged
by my overseer, I filled my purse and
set out a second time, passing up the Hudson
river, with which I was prodigiously pleased,
though not with the Overslaugh, where we stuck
fast during six hours. I then proceeded to Saratoga,
where I remained for two weeks, on account
of its being fashionable; but, I declare to Heaven,
I was never so tired of any place in my life. I
then went to Niagara, which, in spite of the great
noise it made, I thought the finest place in the
world; and there, I think, I should have continued
all summer, had it not been for the crowds of tiresome
people that were eternally coming and going,
and the great labour of climbing up and down the
stairs. However, I was so greatly pleased with
what I saw, both at Niagara and along the way,
that I should have repeated my travels in after
years, as the most agreeable way of passing time,
had it not been for the dangers and miseries of
such enterprises; for, first, the coaches were perpetually
falling over, or sticking in the mud, or jolting
over stones, so that one had no security of life
or limb; and, secondly, the accommodations at
the inns along the road were not to my liking, the
food being cooked after the primitive systems of
Shem, Ham, and Japheth, and the beds stuck together
in the rooms as if for boys at a

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boardingschool. It is possible that these things are better
ordered now; but, from what I have since seen
and heard, I am of opinion there is a fine field for
cooks, carpenters, and chamber-maids, in the agricultural
regions of America. In those days I loved
ease and comfort too well to submit to such evils
as could be avoided; and, accordingly, after a little
experience in the matter, I ceased travelling altogether,
the pleasures bearing no sort of proportion
to the discomforts.

My time still weighing upon my hands, I was
possessed with a sudden idea (which my steward,
however, endeavoured to combat), namely,
that the tedium of my existence might be dispelled
by matrimony; and I resolved to look around me
for a wife. After much casting about, I fixed my
eyes upon a young lady of the village (for I must
inform the reader that my farm was on the skirts
of a village, and a very respectable one too, although
there were many lazy people in it), who, I
thought, was well fitted to make me comfortable;
and as she did not seem averse to my first advances,
I began to be quite particular, until all the old
women in the country declared it was a match,
and all the young fellows of my own age, as well
as all the girls I knew, became extremely witty
at my expense. These things, however, rather
encouraged me than otherwise; I believed I was
advancing my happiness by the change I contemplated
in my condition; and I was just on the
point of making formal proposals to the young

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lady, when an accident set me to considering the
enterprise entirely in a new light.

My charmer lived in the house of a married sister,
who had a large family of children,—a pack of the
most ill-bred imps, I verily believe, that were ever
gathered together in any one man's house; but, for
politeness' sake, during the first weeks of my courtship,
the young sinners were kept out of my way,
and, what with cuffing and feeding with sugarplums,
were preserved in some sort of order, so
that I was not annoyed by them. After a while,
however, and when matters had proceeded some
length, it was thought unnecessary to treat me
longer as a stranger; the children were suffered
to take care of themselves; and the consequence
was, that, in a short time, I found myself in a kind
of Pandemonium whenever I entered the house,
with such a whining, and squeaking, and tumbling,
and bawling, and fighting among the young ones,
as greatly discomposed my nerves; and, to make
the matter worse, the mother made no difficulty at
times, when the squabbling grew to a height, of
taking a switch to one, and boxing the ears of
another, and scolding roundly at a third, to reduce
them to order; and all this in my presence, and
under the nose of my charmer.

I began to fancy the married life could not be
altogether so agreeable as I had pictured it to my
imagination; and in this belief I was confirmed
by a visit to my sister, who had three children of
her own, all of whom, as I now perceived (for I

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had not noticed it before, having no particular
inducement to make me observant), were given to
squabbling and bawling, just like other children,
while my sister did her share of boxing and scolding.
I thought to myself, “What should I do
with a dozen children squeaking all day and night
in my house, and a scolding wife dragooning them
into submission?”

The thought disconcerted me, and the fear of
such a consummation greatly chilled the ardour of
my affection; so that the young lady, observing
my backwardness, and taking offence at it, cast
her eyes upon another wooer who had made her
an offer, and, to my great satisfaction, married him
on the spot.

I was never more relieved in my life, and I resolved
to reflect longer upon the subject before
making advances of that nature a second time.
My overseer, who had from the first (for I made
him my confidant) been opposed to the match, on
the ground that I ought to enjoy my liberty, at
least until I was thirty, was greatly rejoiced at
the rupture, and swore that I had made a lucky
escape; for he had always thought, in his own
mind, that the lady was at bottom, though she
concealed it from me, a Tartar and fire-eater. In
this, however, he was mistaken; for, from all I
have heard of her since, she has proved a most
amiable and sweet-tempered woman, and her husband
is said to be very happy with her.

p016-027

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