My chambers were but meanly furnished, and
this— But it needs not I should acquaint the
reader with the divers proofs that rose every moment
to convince me Mr. I. D. Dawkins, though a
dandy, was not a rich one. Before I had rummaged
an hour among his chattels, I discovered
enough to set me into a cold shiver, and almost
make me repent having taken possession of his
body. I found lying upon his table no less than
thirty-seven folded papers—the tribute doubtless

[figure description] Page 148.[end figure description]

of the two days of his absence—of which, eight
were either billetsdoux or mere cards of invitation
to ladies' parties, and twenty-nine were letters from
tailors, shoemakers, &c., all of them requesting
payment of money owed, and most of them as
ferocious in spirit as they were original in style
and grammar. In an old trunk, which I ransacked,
as well as every chest of drawers and closet in
the rooms (the keys were ready at hand in my
pocket), I discovered a bushel or two of bills—I
suppose there may have been a thousand of them,
for they were of all dates—not one of which had a
receipt to it.

But, to make amends for this evil, I found Mr.
I. D. Dawkins's wardrobe in pretty good condition,
except in the article of shirts; of which I discovered
but six, and those none of the best. However,
there were three dozen good dickeys, and a
great abundance of loose collars and wristbands;
with which, I perceived, I might do without shirts
altogether.

But what gave me most pleasure, and indeed
quite consoled me under the feelings of disappointment
and doubt that had begun to rise, was a
marvellous great quantity of love-letters, locks of
hair, finger-rings, odd gloves, &c., that I found
scattered about; each, as was apparent, the tribute
or spoil of some admiring fair. “Aha!” said I, “I
am a devil of a fellow among the girls: who can
resist me?” The idea of being a favourite among
the women, and the prospect I had of shooting

[figure description] Page 149.[end figure description]

conquests among them, right and left, were infinitely
agreeable. “Ged and demmee,” said I, “I
will look about me now, and fix for life. I will
pick out the finest creature I can find who has
a fortune, and marry her; and then, I say, demm
all tailors and other people. I will marry a wife,
eged!”

It was doubly remarkable I should make such a
resolution, having had but lately such a lesson of
the joys of matrimony. But I found myself fast
growing another man. I still retained a lively
recollection of Mrs. Higginson, but fancy pictured
an angel in the anticipated Mrs. Dawkins. Dim
visions—which seemed to be made up as much
of crude recollections as of half-formed anticipations—
dim visions of lovely eyes and noses floated
over my brain; I sank into a soft, elysium-like
revery; when I suddenly heard a voice, somewhat
tremulous and feeble, but rude as the screech of a
strawberry-woman in spring, saying,

“Sir, I say, sir, Mr. Dawkins, I shall trouble
you, I say, for the amount of that 'ere small account.”

The accents were more horrible to my soul than
the grating of a dentist's file upon the tenderest of
grinders. I looked up from my feet, which I had
been admiring, and beheld a visage somewhat iracund
and savage, but so vulgar and plebeian in all
its lineaments, that my fear was changed into contempt.

“And I say, sare! whoever you ah,” said I,

[figure description] Page 150.[end figure description]

looking the fellow to the soul, “what do you want
he-ah? who ah you?”

At these questions the man looked petrified; he
opened his mouth till I thought his under jaw
would drop off, and stared at me in dumb amazement.
I had some hopes he was about to fall down
in a fit. I am not naturally of a bloodthirsty
turn; but I knew he was a dun, and such persons
one always wishes the devil would snatch up.
But he recovered his tongue, and, to do him justice,
I must confess he used it with a spirit I did
not look for in such a mean, shrivelled-up body as
he had.

“Don't go for to insult me,” said the Goth, gritting
his teeth, and spluttering his words through
them as through a watering-pot; “I'll let you know
who I am. I'll have my money, or I'll have the
worth on it out on you; for I won't be cheated no
more for nothing. And as for what I'm doing here,
I'll let you know as how I'm master in my
own house; and, as Mrs. Sniggles says—”

“Sniggles!” said I, recollecting that the rascal
was my landlord and creditor. I started up, and
seizing the enraged little man by the hand, I begged
his pardon.

“Really, my dear soul,” said I, “I was in a
brown study, and I didn't know you. Pray how
d'ye do? how is Mrs. Sniggles? You must know
I have hardly yet got over my unfortunate fall into
the water. Really, sah, I was almost drowned,
and I had the misfortune to lose my pocketbook.”

[figure description] Page 151.[end figure description]

“None on your gammon on me!” said Mr.
Sniggles, looking as intrepid as ever; “for I don't
believe none on it; and I don't believe you're no
gentleman neither, or you wouldn't keep me out
of my money. You see, Mr. Dawkins, do you
see, you've had my rooms five months, and I
ha'n't seen the colour on your money over once;
it's all promise and no pay. And so, as I was saying,
I won't be diddled no longer, or I'll see the
end of it; for, as Mrs. Sniggles says, we can't afford
to be diddled for nothing.”

“Come, Sniggles,” said I, “don't be in a passion;
I'll pay you. What's the amount?”

“Seventeen weeks on the second story, seven
dollars a week—monstrous cheap at that, considerin'
there's breakfast in—one hundred and nineteen
dollars—and taking off the ten dollars you
paid me, as per account, one hundred and nine dollars;
four weeks on the third story, at five dollars
and a half (and good rooms too), twenty-two dollars;
and adding the ten dollars I paid the shoe-maker,
and the five dollars sixty cents I loaned
you to pay the fine at the mayor's office, for smashing
the lamp, makes jest a hundred and forty-one
dollars sixty cents, no halves nor quarters, precise;
and the sooner you shows me the money the better.”

“A confounded long bill that, Sniggles,” said
I; “but I don't dispute it; and the moment my
uncle comes to town—”

The mean, avaricious fellow had begun to look

[figure description] Page 152.[end figure description]

happy, as he conned over the hateful particulars of
his account, which he held in his hand; but no
sooner had the words “my uncle” left my lips, than
he began to jump up and down, pulling his hair,
gritting his teeth, and shaking his fists like a mad-man;
and to my astonishment the contemptible
fellow waxed profane, and actually cursed me and
my uncle too. His oaths, as may be supposed,
only made him appear more low-lived and vulgar
than before; for cursing and swearing are the
hardest things to do genteelly that I know: there
are but few persons in the world who can produce
an oath with any thing like elegance; it is the
truest criterion of gentility, and in consequence I
would recommend no person to attempt one who
is not confident of his high breeding.

My landlord, Mr. Sniggles, fell to cursing and
swearing, and insulted me very grossly; first, by
affecting to believe that no such person as my uncle
existed; secondly, by threatening to turn me
out of his house; and thirdly, by assuring me he
would have his account in an attorney's hands before
I was an hour older. It was in vain I exhorted
him to moderate his passion, and strove to wheedle
him into a better humour; I had forgotten (or
rather I did not yet know) the true secret of his
character, which was cowardice, by addressing my
arguments to which I might have readily brought
him to reason. But, in truth, I was frightened myself;
how I was to pay a bill of a hundred and
forty-one dollars sixty cents was a thing only to be

p016-162 [figure description] Page 153.[end figure description]

guessed at; and the prospect of taking up my
lodgings in the debtors' apartments up Arch-street,
was as vinegar and wormwood to my imagination.

The more I strove to sooth the wrath of Mr.
Sniggles, the more ferocious he became; until at
last he did nothing but dance round and round me,
like a little dog barking at a big one that is tied to
a post, crying out all the time, frantic with despair
and fury, “Pay me what you owe me! pay this
here bill here! pay me my money, or I'll have you
in jail!” with other expressions equally foolish and
insulting.