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God bless the pironeers — the whole ov them —
inkluding the man who fust rode a mule. Hiz
name waz Stickfasst, he will be remembered az long
az black wax will be, hiz posterity have aul bin
good stickers, sum ov the best clothes-pins the world
ever saw, cum from this familee..... I remember
olde Buffaloo. He waz a sunsett pironeer; he
started tew discover, “out west,” 40 years ago, hiz
property was a wife, with the side ake, 2 galls, just
busting thru their clothes into womanhood, 2 boys,
who kould kill a skunk at 3 paces, and dodge the
smell, a one-hoss wagging, a rifle, and a brass-kittle,
he squat at Rock River, in the Illinoise, for
6 months, and then moved on more westly, the last
that ware seen ov him, was the hind-board ov hiz
wagging, just doubling the top ov the rocky mountains.....
And thare waz Beltrigging, who fust

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diskovered the tempranse question, he had bin a
suckcessful rumdrinker, and seller for 36 years, and
had retired with a pile, he diskovered kold water
one day, on the back side ov hiz farm, digging out
foxes; he lektured nex day, in a 7-day babtiss
church, and told his xperiense; he made 13 hundred
dollars lekturing, and died 9 years afterwards,
in grate agony, having drank 4 drops ov french
brandee, on a lump ov brown sugar bi mistake. He
begot Springwater, and Springwater begot Rainwater,
and Rainwater begot Dewdrow, and Dewdrop
begot Morning-Mist, awl ov them selebrated
tempranse lekturers..... And there waz Solomon
Saw-dust, the author ov bran-bred, and nailrodsoup;
he waz a champion ov lite weights; he fit
the dispepshee in aul its forms; he lived for 18
months, at one heat, on the smell ov a red herring,
and gained 9 pounds in wind. He had menny admirers
and immitaturs the moste grate ov which
was Wet Pack and Water Kure..... And there
waz Mehitable Saffron, the virgin-hero ov wimmins'
rights; i herd her fust orashun, in the town hall;
she spoke without notes, at arms' length. She ced,
“woman had a destiny that man kouldn't fill for
her, and az for her, she could go it alone, she didn't

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want no he-creeter around her, she had on a pair of
kowhide pegged boots, and closed up bi holding hi
in the air, a pair ov corduroy breeches, which she
swore bi the good olde Mozes, waz awl enny man
had to brag ov... She waz the first pironeer in the
corduroy britches business, she died celibate, and
haz had menny followers amung her sexes, but none
that had the jism she had..... And then thare
waz Old Perpetual; he got crazee at last, but not
till he had invented a pitch-pine dog, with a basswood
tail, that would bark and chase every wagging
that cum along, clean down to the bridge over bean
kreek. He got out a patent for a sorrel horse, and
a nu milch cow, and lived till he was 90 years olde,
and then died from a kold he had caught, down
seller, trieing tew make soft sope, out ov bull's liver.
On hiz grave stun waz these affekting paragraph:
“State, and county rights for sale, enquire ov —
the widder.”