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Olivia — I never have visited the Mormons, but
my friend Artemus Ward has, and he tells me they
are a healthy people, and fond ov femail society.
He says they hav more religion, akordin to their
populashun, than tha kno what to dew with. They
marry young and often. The produkshun ov the
country iz Mormons. They beleaf in a hereafter,
but it iz genrally a hereafter of wimmin. They are
fond ov amusements, sich az pitching cents and sliding
Scipio — If I had the dyspepsy I would buy me -- 184 --
a hard trotting hoss (off from the kanawl,) and ride
him bare back 40 miles a day for a spase ov time.
If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would soke in
cold water for 12 months. If that didn't seem tew
influense me, I would issue proposals tew the lowest
bidder to be fed for one year on bran bred and
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slippery elm tea. If that didn't seem tew influense
me, I would sell my house and lot, and invest the
proceeds in pattent medisin, and take the whole lot
in rotashun. If that didn't seem tew influense me,
I would cum tew the konklusion that I had the
water brash, or some other thing, I didn't care which,
and take a job ov thrashing out wet rye for evry
tenth bushel, and git — well.
Clarence — We never undertake tew return rejekted
manuskrip. The fact iz, we don't read more
than half we reject. It iz a way we hav got.
Matty — It iz very natral that you should ask me
in what manner you should reseave the proposal
from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick tew dew
it nice. You don't ought tew jump into the collar
suddin, nor fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but
yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with
an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart.
After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss
you, I dont think I would say yes or no, but let the
thing kind ov take its own course. There iz one
thing I hav alwus stuck tew, and that iz, give
me long courtships and engagements.
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Stujent—We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity
than bi the package. It iz a bizness that grate
men hav got into, but it dont strik us az being profitable
nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very
dear friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90
days, and it got into the hands ov one of the banks,
and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went out
of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it
Billings, Josh, 1818-1885 , Josh Billings, hiz sayings. With comic illustrations. (Carleton, New York) [word count] [eaf674T].