1 Draw.

What hast thou brought there? Apple-Johns? Thou know'st Sir John cannot endure an Apple-John.

2 Draw.

Thou say'st true; the Prince once set a Dish of Apple-Johns before him, and told him there were five more Sir Johns; and, putting off his Hat, said, I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old wither'd Knights. It anger'd him to the Heart; but he hath forgot that.

1 Draw.

Why then cover, and set them down; and see if thou canst find out Sneak's Noise; Mistress Tear-sheet would fain have some Musick.

2 Draw.

Sirrah, here will be the Prince, and Master Poins anon; and they will put on two of our Jerkins and Aprons, and Sir John must not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.

1 Draw.

Then here will be old Utis: it will be an excellent Stratagem.

2 Draw.

I'll see if I can find out Sneak.

Host.

Sweet heart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality; your Pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as Heart would desire; and your Colour, I warrant you, is as red as any Rose: But you have drank too much Canary, and that's a marvellous searching Wine; and it perfumes the Blood e'er we can say what's this. How do you now?

Dol.

Better than I was: Hem.

Host.

Why, that was well said: A good Heart's worth Gold. Look, here comes Sir John.

Fal.

When Arthur first in Court,—empty the Jordan—and was a worthy King: How now, Mistress Dol?

Host.

Sick of a Calm: yea, good-sooth.

Fal.

So is her Sect, if they be once in a Calm they are sick.

Dol.

You muddy Rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?

Fal.

You make fat Rascals, Mistress Dol.

Dol.

I make them! Gluttony and Diseases make them, I make them not.

Fal.

If the Cook make the Gluttony, you help to make the Diseases, Dol; we catch of you, Dol, we catch of you: Grant that, my poor Virtue, grant that.

Dol.

Ay marry, our Chains, and our Jewels.

Fal.

Your Brooches, Pearls, and O[illeg.]ches: For to serve bravely, is to come halting off, you know; to come off the Breach with his Pike bent bravely, and to Surgery bravely; to venture upon the charg'd Chambers bravely—

Host.

Why, this is the old fashion; you two never meet but you fall to some discord: you are both, in good troth, as Rheumatick as two dry Toasts, you cannot one bear with anothers Confirmities. What the good-year? One must bear, and that must be you: you are the weaker Vessel, as they say, the emptier Vessel.

Dol.

Can a weak empty Vessel bear such a huge full Hogs-head? there's a whole Merchants Venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a Hulk better stuft in the Hold. Come, I'll be Friends with thee, Jack: Thou art going to the Wars, and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is no body cares.

Draw.

Sir, Ancient Pistol is below, and would speak with you.

Dol.

Hang him, swaggering Rascal, let him not come hither; it is the foul-mouth'dst Rogue in England.

Host.

If he swagger let him not come here: I must live amongst my Neighbours, I'll no Swaggerers: I am in good Name and Fame with the very Best: Shut the Door, there comes no Swaggerers here: I have not liv'd all this while to have swaggering now: Shut the Door, I pray you.

Fal.

Do'st thou hear, Hostess—

Host.

'Pray you pacifie your self, Sir John, there comes no Swaggerers here.

Fal.

Do'st thou hear—it is mine Ancient.

Host.

Tilly-fally, Sir John, never tell me, your ancient Swaggerer comes not in my Doors. I was before Master Tisick the Deputy the other day; and as he said to me—it was no longer ago than Wednesday last; Neighbour Quickly, says he; Master Domb our Minister was by then: Neighbour

Quickly, says he, receive those that are Civil; for, saith he, you are in an ill Name: Now he said so, I can tell whereupon; for, says he, you are an honest Woman, and well thought on, therefore take heed what Guests you receive: Receive, says he, no swaggering Companions. There come none here. You would bless you to hear what he said. No, I'll no Swaggerers.

Fal.

He's no Swaggerer, Hostess; a tame Cheater, he; you may stroak him as gently as a Puppey-Greyhound; he will not swagger with a Barbary Hen, if her Feathers turn back in any shew of resistance. Call him up, Drawer.

Host.

Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest Man my House, nor no Cheater; but I do not love swaggering; I am the worse when one says swagger: Feel, Masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you.

Dol.

So you do, Hostess.

Host.

Do I? yea, in very Truth do I, if it were an Aspen Leaf: I cannot abide Swaggerers.

Pist.

'Save you, Sir John.

Fal.

Welcome, ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a Cup of Sack: Do you discharge upon mine Hostess.

Pist.

I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two Bullets.

Fal.

She is Pistol proof, Sir, you shall hardly offend her.

Host.

Come, I'll drink no Proofs, nor no Bullets: I will drink no more than will do me good for no Man's pleasure, I.

Pist.

Then to you, Mistress Dorothy, I will charge you.

Dol.

Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy Companion! What? You poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-Linnen-Mate; away, you mouldy Rogue, away, I am Meat for your Master.

Pist.

I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

Dol.

Away, you cut-purse Rascal, you filthy Bung away: By this Wine, I'll thrust my Knife in your mouldy Chaps if you play the sawcy Cuttle with me. Away you Bottle-ale Rascal, you Basket-hilt stale Jugler you. Since

when, I pray you, Sir? what, with two Points on your Shoulder? much.

Pist.

I will murther your Ruff for this.

Host.

No, good Captain Pistol: Not here, sweet Captain.

Dol.

Captain! thou abominable damn'd Cheater, art thou not asham'd to be call'd Captain? If Captains were of my mind they would truncheon you out, for taking their Names upon you, before you have earn'd them. You a Captain! you slay! for what? for tearing a poor Whore's Ruff in a Bawdy House? He a Captain! hang him, Rogue, he lives upon mouldy stew'd Prunes and dry'd Cakes. A Captain! These Villains will make the word Captain odious: Therefore Captains had need look to it.

Bard.

Pray thee go down, good Ancient.

Fal.

Hark thee hither, Mistress Dol.

Pist.

Not I: I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear her: I'll be reveng'd on her.

Page.

'Pray thee go down.

Pist.

I'll see her damn'd first: To Pluto's damned Lake, to the Infernal Deep, where Erebus and Tortures vile also. Hold Hook and Line, say I: Down! Down Dog, down Fates: Have we not Hiren here?

Host.

Good Captain Peesel be quiet, it is very late: I beseek you now, aggravate your Choler.

Pist.

These be good Humours indeed. Shall Pack-Horses, and hollow pamper'd Jades of Asia, which cannot go but thirty Miles a day, compare with Cæsar, and with Cannibal, and Trojan Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus, and let the Welkin roar: Shall we fall foul for Toys?

Host.

By my troth, Captain, these are very bitter Words.

Bard.

Be gone, good Ancient: This will grow to a Brawl anon.

Pist.

Die Men, like Dogs; give Crowns like Pins: Have we not Hiren hire?

Host.

On my word, Captain, there's none such here. What the good-year do you think I would deny her? I pray be quiet.

Pist.

Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis; come, give me some Sack. Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento. Fear we broad-sides? No, let the Fiend give Fire: Give me some Sack: And Sweet-heart, lye thou there: Come we to full Points here; and are & cætera's nothing?

Fal.

Pistol, I would be quiet.

Pist.

Sweet Knight, kiss thy Neaffe: What! we have seen the seven Stars.

Dol.

Thrust him down Stairs, I cannot endure such a Fustian Rascal.

Pist.

Thrust him down Stairs? know we not Galloway Nags?

Fal.

Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling: Nay, if he do nothing but speak nothing, he shall be nothing here.

Bard.

Come, get you down Stairs.

Pist.

What shall we have Incision? shall we embrew? then Death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful Days: Why then let grievous, ghastly, gaping Wounds, untwine the Sisters three: Come, Atropos, I say.

Host.

Here's good stuff toward.

Fal.

Give me my Rapier, Boy.

Dol.

I prethee, Jack, I prethee do not draw.

Fal.

Get you down Stairs.

Host.

Here's a goodly Tumult; I'll forswear keeping House, before I'll be in these tirrits and frights, So; Murther, I warrant now. Alas, put up your naked Weapons, put up your naked Weapons.

Dol.

I prethee, Jack, be quiet, the Rascal is gone: Ah you whorson, little valiant Villain, you.

Host.

Are you not hurt i'th' Groin? Methought he made a shrewd thrust at your Belly.

Fal.

Have you turn'd him out of Doors?

Bard.

Yes, Sir, the Rascal's drunk: You have hurt him, Sir, in the Shoulder.

Fal.

A Rascal to brave me!

Dol.

Ah, you sweet little Rogue you: Alas, poor Ape, how thou sweat'st? come, let me wipe thy Face—Come on, you whorson Chops—Ah Rogue, I love thee—Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy worth fifty of Agamemnon; and ten times better than the nine Worthies: Ah Villain.

Fal.

A rascally Slave, I will toss the Rogue in a Blanket.

Dol.

Do, if thou dar'st for thy Heart: If thou do'st I'll canvass thee between a pair of Sheets.

Page.

The Musick is come, Sir.

Fal.

Let them play; play, Sirs. Sit on my Knee, Dol. A Rascal, bragging Slave: The Rogue fled from me like Quick-silver.

Dol.

And thou followd'st him like a Church: Thou whorson little tydie Bartholomew Boor-pig, when wilt thou leave fighting on Days, and foyning on Nights, and begin to patch up thine old Body for Heaven?