SCENE III.
Enter Falstaff, and Page.
Fal.
Sirrah, you Giant, what says the Doctor to my Water?
Page.
He said, Sir, the Water it self was a good healing
Water: But for the Party that own'd it, he might have
more Diseases than he knew for.
Fal.
Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The
Brain of this foolish compounded Clay-man, is not able
to invent any thing that tends to Laughter, more than I
invent, or is invented on me. I am not only witty in
my self, but the Cause that Wit is in other Men. I do here
walk before thee, like a Sow, that hath overwhelm'd all
her Litter, but one. If the Prince put thee into my Service
for any other Reason, than to set me off, why then I
have no Judgment. Thou Horson Mandrake, thou art
fitter to be worn in my Cap, than to wait at my Heels. I
was never mann'd with an Agot 'till now: But I will set
you neither in Gold nor Silver, but in vile Apparel, and
send you back again to your Master, for a Jewel. The
-- 1215 --
Juvenal! the Prince your Master! whose Chin is not yet
fledg'd; I will sooner have a Beard grow in the Palm of my
Hand, then he shall get one on his Cheek: Yet he will not
stick to say, his Face is a Face-Royal. Heav'n may finish
it when he will, it is not a Hair amiss yet: He may keep
it still as a Face-Royal, for a Barber shall never earn Sixpence
out of it; and yet he will be crowing, as if he had
writ Man ever since his Father was a Batchelor. He may
keep his own Grace, but he is almost out of mine, I can
assure him. What said Mr. Dombledon, about the Satten for
my short Cloak, and Slops?
Page.
He said, Sir, you should procure him better assurance
than Bardolph: He would not take his Bond and yours, he
lik'd not the Security.
Fal.
Let him be damn'd like the Glutton, may his Tongue
be hotter, a horson Achitophel, a Rascally-yea-forsooth-knave,
to bear a Gentleman in Hand, and then stand upon
Security? The horson smooth-pates do now wear nothing
but high Shooes, and Bunches of Keys at their Girdles;
and if a Man is through with them in honest taking up, then
they must stand upon Security: I had as lief they would
put Rats-bane in my Mouth, as offer to stop it with Security.
I look'd he should have sent me two and twenty
Yards of Satten, as I am a true Knight, and he sends me
Security. Well, he may sleep in Security, for he hath
the horn of Abundance: And the lightness of his Wise
shines through it, and yet cannot he see, though he have
his own Lanthorn to light him. Where's Bardolph?
Page.
He's gone into Smithfield to buy your Worship a
Horse.
Fal.
I bought him in Pauls, and he'll buy me a Horse
in Smithfield. If I could get me a Wife in the Stews, I
were Mann'd, Hors'd, and Wiv'd.
Enter Chief Justice, and Servant.
Page.
Sir, here comes the Nobleman that committed the
Prince for striking him, about Bardolph.
Fal.
Wait close, I will not see him.
Ch. Just.
What's he that goes there?
Serv.
Falstaff, and't please your Lordship.
Ch. Just.
He that was in question for the Robbery?
-- 1216 --
Serv.
He, my Lord. But he hath since done good Service
at Shrewsbury: And, as I hear, is now going with some
Charge to the Lord John of Lancaster.
Ch. Just.
What, to York? Call him back again.
Serv.
Sir John Falstaff.
Fal.
Boy, tell him I am deaf.
Page.
You must speak lowder, my Master is deaf.
Ch. Just.
I am sure he is, to the hearing of any thing good.
Go pluck him by the Elbow. I must speak with him.
Serv.
Sir John.
Fal.
What! A young Knave and beg! Are there not Wars?
Is there not Employment? Doth not the King lack Subjects?
Do not the Rebels want Soldiers? Though it be a shame
to be on any side but one, it is worse shame to beg, than to
be on the worst side, were it worse than the Name of Rebellion
can tell how to make it.
Serv.
You mistake me, Sir.
Fal.
Why, Sir, did I say you were an honest Man? Setting
my Knight-hood, and my Soldiership aside. I had lied
in my Throat, if I had said so.
Serv.
I pray you, Sir, then set your Knight-hood and
your Soldier-ship aside, and give me leave to tell you, you
lie in your Throat, if you say I am any other than an honest
Man.
Fal.
I give thee leave to tell me so! I lay aside that
which grows to me! If thou gett'st any leave of me, hang
me; if thou tak'st leave, thou wer't better be hang'd: You
Hunt counter, hence; avaunt.
Serv.
Sir, my Lord would speak with you.
Ch. Just.
Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
Fal.
My good Lord! give your Lordship good time of
the Day. I am glad to see your Lordship abroad; I heard
say, your Lordship was sick. I hope your Lordship goes
abroad by advice. Your Lordship, though not clean past
your Youth, hath yet some smack of Age in you: Some relish
of the Saltness of time; and I most humbly beseech
your Lordship, to have a reverend care of your Health.
Ch. Just.
Sir John, I sent for you before your Expedition
to Shrewsbury.
Fal.
If it please your Lordship, I hear his Majesty is return'd
with some discomfort from Wales.
-- 1217 --
Ch. Just.
I talk not of his Majesty: You would not come
when I sent for you?
Fal.
And I hear moreover, his Highness is fall'n into this
same whorson Apoplexy.
Ch. Just.
Well, Heav'n mend him. I pray let me speak
with you.
Fal.
This Apoplexy is, as I take it, a kind of Lethargy,
a sleeping of the Blood, a whorson Tingling.
Ch. Just.
What tell you me of it? Be it as it is.
Fal.
It hath its original from much Grief; from Study
and Perturbation of the Brain. I have read the Cause of
its Effects in Galen. It is a kind of Deafness.
Ch. Just.
I think you are fal'n into that Disease: For you
hear not what I say to you.
Fal.
Very well, my Lord, very well: Rather, an't please
you, it is the Disease of not Listning, the Malady of not
Marking, that I am troubled withal.
Ch. Just.
To punish you by the Heels, would amend
the attention of your Ears, and I care not if I be your
Physician.
Fal.
I am as poor as Job, my Lord; but not so patient:
Your Lordship may minister the Potion of Imprisonment
to me, in respect of Poverty: But how I should be your
Patient to follow your Prescriptions, the Wise may make
some dram of a scruple, or indeed, a scruple it self.
Ch. Just.
I sent for you, when there were matters against
you for your Life, to speak with me.
Fal.
As I was then advis'd by my learned Counsel, in
the Laws of this Land-service, I did not come.
Ch. Just.
Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great
Infamy.
Fal.
He that buckles him in my Belt, cannot live in less.
Ch. Just.
Your Means is very slender, and your Waste
great.
Fal.
I would it were otherwise: I would my Means were
greater, and my Waste slenderer.
Ch. Just.
You have miss-led the youthful Prince.
Fal.
The young Prince hath miss-led me. I am the Fellow
with the great Belly, and he my Dog.
Ch. Just.
Well, I am loth to gall a new-heal'd Wound;
your Day's Service at Shrewsbury, hath a little gilded over
-- 1218 --
your Night's Exploit on Gads-hill. You may thank the unquiet
time, for your quiet o'er-posting that Action.
Fal.
My Lord?
Ch. Just.
But since all is well, keep it so: Wake not a
sleeping Wolf.
Fal.
To wake a Wolf, is as bad as to smell a Fox.
Ch. Just.
What? You are as a Candle, the better part
burnt out.
Fal.
A Wassel-Candel, my Lord; all Tallow: If I did
say of Wax, my growth would approve the truth.
Ch. Just.
There is not a white Hair on your Face, but
should have his Effect of Gravity.
Fal.
His Effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.
Ch. Just
You follow the young Prince up and down, like
his evil Angel.
Fal.
Not so, my Lord, your ill Angel is light: But I
hope, he that looks upon me, will take me without weighing;
and yet, in some respects I grant, I cannot go; I cannot
tell—Virtue is of so little regard in these Costor-mongers
Days, that true Valour is turn'd Bear-herd. Pregnancy
is made a Tapster, and hath his quick Wit wasted in giving
Recknings; all the other Gifts appertinent to Man, as the
malice of this Age shapes them, are not worth a Goose-berry.
You that are old, consider not the Capacities of us
that are young; you measure the heat of our Livers, with
the bitterness of your Galls; and we that are in the vaward
of our youth, I must confess, are Wags too.
Ch. Just.
Do you set down your Name in the Scrowl of
youth, that are written down old, with all the Characters
of Age? Have you not a moist Eye? a dry Hand? a yellow
Cheek? a white Beard? a decreasing Leg? an increasing
Belly? is not your Voice broken? your Wind short? your
Wit single? and every part about you blasted with Antiquity?
and will you call your self young? fie, fie, fie, Sir
John.
Fal.
My Lord, I was born with a white Head, and something
a round Belly. For my Voice, I have lost it with
hollowing and singing of Anthems. To approve my youth
further, I will not. The truth is, I am only old in Judgment
and Understanding; and he that will caper with me
for a thousand Marks, let him lend me the Mony, and have
-- 1219 --
at him. For the Box o'th' Ear that the Prince gave you,
he gave it like a rude Prince, and you took it like a sensible
Lord. I have checkt him for it, and the young Lion repents:
Marry not in Sack-cloth, but in new Silk, and old
Sack.
Ch. Just.
Well, Heav'n send the Prince a better Companion.
Fal.
Heav'n send the Companion a better Prince: I cannot
rid my Hands of him.
Ch. Just.
Well, the King hath sever'd you and Prince
Harry, I hear you are going with Lord John of Lancaster,
against the Archbishop, and the Earl of Northumberland.
Fal.
Yes, I thank your pretty sweet Wit for it; but look
you pray, all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home, that
our Armies join not in a hot Day: For I take but two Shirts
out with me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily: If
it be a hot Day, if I brandish any thing but my Bottle,
would I might never spit white again. There is not a dangerous
Action can peep out his Head, but I am thrust upon it.
Well, I cannot last ever.
Ch. Just.
Well, be honest, be honest, and Heav'n bless
your Expedition.
Fal.
Will your Lordship lend me a thousand Pound, to
furnish me forth?
Ch. Just.
Nor a Penny, not a Penny; you are too impatient
to bear Crosses. Fare you well. Commend me to my
Cousin Westmorland.
[Exit.
Fal.
If I do, fillop me with a three-man-Beetle. A Man
can no more separate Age and Covetousness, than he can part
young Limbs and Letchery: But the Gout galls the one,
and the Pox pinches the other; and so both the Degrees
prevent my Curses. Boy.
Page.
Sir.
Fal.
What Mony is in my Purse?
Page.
Seven Groats, and two Pence.
Fal.
I can get no Remedy against this Consumption of the
Purse. Borrowing only lingers, and lingers it out, but the
Disease is incurable. Go bear this Letter to my Lord of
Lancaster, this to the Prince, this to the Earl of Westmorland,
and this to old Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly
sworn to marry, since I perceiv'd the first white Hair on
-- 1220 --
my Chin. About it; you know where to find me. A Pox
of this Gout, or a Gout of this Pox; for the one or th'other
plays the Rogue with my great Toe: It is no matter,
if I do halt, I have the Wars for my Colour, and my Pension
shall seem the more reasonable: A good Wit will make
use of any thing; I will turn Diseases to commodity.
[Exeunt.
Charles Gildon [1709–1710], The works of Mr. William Shakespear; in six [seven] volumes. Adorn'd with Cuts. Revis'd and Corrected, with an Account of the Life and Writings of the Author. By N. Rowe ([Vol. 7] Printed for E. Curll... and E. Sanger [etc.], London) [word count] [S11401].