SCENE III.
Near the pavilion.
BIRON, JAQUENETTA.
BIRON.
Peace to thee, fair damsel!
JAQUENETTA.
What! Costard again! I thought you would
have been hang'd before this: how can you have
the impudence to look at a woman, knowing it is
forbid?
BIRON.
A pretty smart wench, i'faith—Why, my dear,
who can be so near the sun, and not feel its influence?
JAQUENETTA.
What a wonderful improvement is there in study!
how a few hours can alter a man!
BIRON.
My little queen, it is to your charms we owe all
our knowledge; it is to your beauty we—
[Approaching.]
JAQUENETTA.
Pray, Sir, keep your distance.
BIRON.
Why so coy?
[Still approaching.]
JAQUENETTA.
Come no nearer, or I will leave you—keep to
your court virtues, Sir.
-- 41 --
BIRON.
Nay, if you are at your jokes, it is thus I claim
you.—
[Catching her in his arms.]
Enter COSTARD.
COSTARD.
Softly, Costard, softly; you are not upon such
firm ground as you may imagine; you will never
be good at a plot, thou rogue, till you have learnt
to creep upon all fours.—Nay, may I be whip'd, if
I do not sweat, going this pace.—What! hoa!
Jaquenetta!
BIRON.
Who are you, Sir?
COSTARD.
Costard! who are you, Sir?
BIRON.
Costard.
COSTARD.
Costard! I am sure I am Costard, and belong
to the king's court.
BIRON.
And I am sure, I am Costard, and wait on his
majesty here in his retirement.
COSTARD.
You, Costard! you are something like him, indeed;
but I am sure I am the right Costard.—
[Walking round him.]
-- 42 --
BIRON.
You impudent dog! say again your name is
Costard, and your life is not worth a pin.—
COSTARD.
I only say, Sir, I believe I am Costard, if I am
not Costard, pray who am I?
BIRON.
Am I to find a name for you, honest friend?
COSTARD.
I think that but reasonable, since you have taken
away mine.
BIRON.
What! you will provoke me?
COSTARD.
Hold, pray, Sir, hold; I am not Costard—I am
not Costard, I am—
BIRON.
What are you, Sir?
COSTARD.
I am—I am, what you please to call me—
BIRON.
Let this fair damsel judge betwixt us; what say
you, Jaquenetta?
JAQUENETTA.
Let me look at thee—[turning to Costard] thou
hast simplicity enough to be a fool.
COSTARD.
Yes I am simple enough in conscience.
-- 43 --
JAQUENETTA.
Now a peep at you, Sir, [turning to Biron] why
you are so like one another, you are certainly brothers.
BIRON.
Yes, as my brother says, we are simple enough
in conscience.
JAQUENETTA.
Ha! ha! ha! but to whom did I deliver the instructions
from the princess?
COSTARD.
To me, by the same token you laugh'd at me
for turning my back to you.
JAQUENETTA.
There you are right.
COSTARD.
Nay more, you may remember I told you, I
should be hang'd for touching a woman, and you
said you wou'd buy a rope for me.
JAQUENETTA.
Why then, you are Costard.
COSTARD.
Yes, I am Costard; I am glad I have found my
name.
BIRON.
Hold, Sir; this rises not to a proof; you might
have heard as much, did you deliver those instructions
to the king?
COSTARD.
Yes, marry, that I did the self-same hour.
-- 44 --
BIRON.
What said his majesty?
COSTARD.
Nothing.
BIRON.
Nothing! ha! ha! ha! Now, Jaquenetta, I will
convince you, that I am Costard.—When I deliver'd
the instructions to the king—he smil'd—for
you must know Jaquenetta, that arch rogue Cupid
had shot him through the heart—then he read a
little, and smil'd again—then he enquired by what
means I came by that paper. I told him Jaquenetta
brought it: he smil'd a third time, and sent this
for you.
[Shewing a purse.]
JAQUENETTA.
Indeed, you are the right Costard; I am now
thoroughly satisfied.
BIRON.
So there is no proof like this! what a cunning
gipsey it is!—[Aside.] Come, Jaquenetta, I'll attend
you, and let us leave this honest fellow to find out
his name—if he can—ha! ha! ha!
JAQUENETTA.
Ha! ha! ha!
[Exeunt Biron and Jaquenetta.
COSTARD.
Surely I am bewitch'd—To lose my name and
mistress at the same time, is too great a calamity
for me to bear like a philosopher.—I will revenge
it, by this light, I will—Costard, chear up man,
well done, heart!—Egad I am as stout as a lion
now!
-- 45 --
Enter DUMAIN.
DUMAIN.
You fellow! well met, Costard, do you hear?
COSTARD.
Jaquenetta!
DUMAIN.
What is the man mad? you, Costard!
COSTARD.
Jaquenetta! I am not Costard, Sir.
DUMAIN.
Not Costard! why, you rascal, did I not give
you a paper this morning to carry to Catherine, one
of the fair attendants on the princess?
COSTARD.
Sir, you mistake the man.
DUMAIN.
Sirrah, don't trifle with me; I'll make you
know, you are Costard.
[Beats him.]
COSTARD.
Enough, Sir, enough in good conscience—I—I
am Costard—the right Costard—when I dare own
my name.
DUMAIN.
Very well—Sir,—I am very glad of it,—pray
what have you done with the letter?
COSTARD.
The letter! Sir, I have no letter.
DUMAIN.
What! you are not satisfied yet—take that, and
that.—
[Beating him.]
-- 46 --
COSTARD.
Well, I will confess—Lord! what shall I say
[Aside.] The letter—Sir,—why—why—why—
O! Jaquenetta has got it, Sir, and I was that moment
going to look for her as you came, Sir. Well
done Costard, i'faith!
[Aside.]
DUMAIN.
Be gone then, and hasten thy steps.
COSTARD.
You need not tell me that, Sir.
[Running.]
[Exeunt.
End of the Third ACT.
-- 47 --
Anon. [1762], The students. A comedy. Altered from Shakespeare's Love's Labours Lost, and Adapted to the stage (Printed for Thomas Hope [etc.], London) [word count] [S31500].
