Cheer up! reader, only one and a half year more in
the Purchase! In this time, we lived, also, very fast, and
were so occupied with great matters as to overlook little
things; therefore, we shall not be tedious. Beside, I am
tired riding about; and hence, you will be dragged no more
through the wooden world, except to the Guzzleton Barbecue.

We now introduce a very uncommon personage, a most
powerful prodigious great man, the first of the sort beheld
in the New Purchase—the very Reverend Constant Bloduplex,
D. D.—in all the unfathomable depths of those
mystic letters! And this character, supposed to be invented
for the purpose, will be an important study to the literati,
whether branded on the head or the tail, D. D. or d. d.—
P. or p.: and who aspire to dictate ex cathedra. All
such strong-headed men can here receive important hints
and directions, and have examples how best to discharge

[figure description] Page 267.[end figure description]

their official duties. We can now show “a thing or two:”
and some never seen or heard of in the East! Yea! some
which the wise Solomon himself never did or imagined in
all his experiments, drunk or sober!

“Indeed! go on then, sir.”

Well, the Reverend Gentleman had lately written, to
state his acceptance of the Presidency; although it would
compel him to resign much more eligible stations, and
make very unpleasant interruptions in his domestic comforts:
and also, that he would be ready to set out for his
new home in the early spring. In due season, followed a
letter, naming the time his journey would be commenced,
and when and where he might be met on the river.

Then should you have been at Woodville, to see our
folks hop about! All, at least, favourable to the conduct
of the Board. However, some, opposed to rats, agreed to
suspend hostilities; being persuaded by Dr. Sylvan, Mr.
Clarence, and specially Mr. Harwood, that our President
was a man of uncommon worth, talents, patriotism, and
enterprise. Yet, a few honest, but perhaps mistaken, persons,
from a sincere love of their own sectarianism, remained
our opponents, if not our enemies. At present,
we were the decided majority, and therefore the people's
people: and so we determined to do things in style. Out
of reverence, then,[44] to the man, and regard for his station,
we resolved to meet him with an escort; to honour him
with a procession, an illumination, and a feast! And all
this was by and with the consent and advice, and under
the superintendence, and at the expense mainly, of Clarence
and Harwood, aided by Sylvan and Carlton. Hence,
nemine contradicente, it was ordered:

1. That Mr. Carlton, Sen'r, and James Sylvan, Jun'r, be
the escort from the river:

[figure description] Page 268.[end figure description]

2. That the students prepare an illumination of the Colleges:

3. That Mrs. Clarence, and a dozen other feminine citizens,
fix the President's house, and prepare his first supper:
and

4. That Mr. Clarence be as ubiquitous as possible, and
see that every thing was as straight as—a shingle.

At the proper day, the escort started. On passing
through villages and loggages, we so fired up the citizens,
that in many places, it was promised to meet our Great
Man with inferior processions, like an ovation—the Grand
Triumphal being to be at Woodville. In one town, with a
Jewish name, we met no encouragement—not from want
of good-will in the inhabitants, but simply because there
were no inhabitants there. Like Goldsmith's village, it
was deserted—the inhabitants having all been shaken out
by the ague: although we could not say, as some one of
Ireland, “in it snakes are there none.”

Finally, after an uncommon abrasion of inexpressible-seats,
and green baize leggins—(for, like Gilpin, we rode,
if not for a wager, yet for a President)—we dismounted
and tied our horses at the Ohio.

(N. B. The MS. here was so blotted, the Editor could
not read it.)

— — and — — but the steamer was now seen
descending on the swollen bosom of the waters, belching
fire and smoke as if in labour, and longing to be delivered
of the great weight of character and influence she was
painfully bearing to our inland wilds—apt likeness, too, of
Man of Puffs! Oh! the exciting moment! Now! we
shall see a Man!—we shall have the honour of riding before
him—of showing him to the natives, as Boswell
showed Johnson to the Scotchmen! and — —

[figure description] Page 269.[end figure description]

— (Here my friend Mr. C. seems to have been so
nervous that his MS. defies my powers to decipher—several
pages, therefore, are necessarily omitted.—Editor.)

“— — when, then, do we set off, Mr. Carlton?”

“To-morrow morning, Doctor. We will now cross the
river, and join your family on the New Purchase side.”

“Is this our skiff?”

“Yes, sir. Well, since we are afloat, Doctor, how do
you think you will like our wooden country?”

“Don't name it, sir. I already repent my precipitancy:
if all could be recalled, I should be better pleased.”

“You surprise me, Dr. Bloduplex!”

“Yes, sir, I have been hasty: I would gladly be in my
former place.”

“But, our College — ”

“Mr. Carlton, plague me not about the college—I shall
have plenty of that when I get to Woodville.”

Conversation, where one is ardent and the other cold, becomes
sissee or zizzy:—a dialogue between cold water
and hot iron. Our escort had too much at stake in the success
of the institution, not to feel now something like a
damper on his spirits; and he, therefore, remained in a ruminating
way the rest of the passage—nay, during the
evening—yea, when he got into bed. In vain chastised he
his own zeal, as too zealous—in vain apologised for the
President's want of firmness and lack of interest in Woodville
matters—it did still occur that the good Doctor should
have counted the cost, and been absorbed in the “great
enterprise for which he had willingly and joyfully sacrificed
himself?” Had he not “left riches, and honours, and
glories” of the Wheelabout country deliberately and “conscientiously”—
and ought he not to have had a little patience
with an escort that “had paid the postage” of a horse, and
nearly ruined a pair of green leggins and a pair of blue

[figure description] Page 270.[end figure description]

unmentionables? And then sneaked in remembrances of conversations
with certain “Brethren,” intimately acquainted
with the President's remarkable life and history—conversations
once attributed to envy, and jealousy, and odium theologicum—
and yet so cognate to the late behaviour—that
battle the suspicion as he would, it did seem, as they said,
“we should soon find out and be bitterly disappointed with
Dr. Bloduplex—that he was no safe confidant—and if we
slighted warning, we should in the end find a person that
could blow hot and cold with the same breath.”

However, we resolved to make the inland journey pleasant,
and honourably to do the escortorial duties, and boldly
throw away all suspicions and uncharitable inferences—yet
to be guarded. When, therefore, next day the President
showed a phase different from the one in the boat, the author,
after listening now to an enthusiastic sermon on Colleges,
Woodville, the Far West in general, the Mississippi
valley in particular, and the nobleness of doing good for
goodness' sake—away packing sent he his base and injurious
suspicions, and began, in the amiable weakness of his
nature, to look up to the Doctor with even greater admiration,
and no small admixture of filial reverence! And then
in his turn—being of course all the time on his guard!—
Mr. C. opened his budget, and told about Woodville, and
the peoples, and the Trustees, and Harwood, and Clarence,
and Allheart, and Domore, and Ned, and all!

“That was indiscreet, Mr. Carlton.”

Granted: but we felt then like a son with a father—were
anxious to make amends for our mental injury—and beside,
this leaky state of our mind seemed so to interest the good
Doctor—and he condescended to ask so many leading
questions—and laughed and cried so easy and naturally at
various narrations. Indeed, he innocently started fresh
leaks in a vessel that never held well at the best—but like
Robert Hall's, the noble Baptist, used to pour out at the

[figure description] Page 271.[end figure description]

slightest excitements: or, to change the figure, the Doctor
finding water increasing in the hold, managed the pumps so
adroitly and incessantly as to empty the whole chest—or
some such place in the body corporate, where secrets are
contained.

“Still, sir, you were too much of a gossip.”

Ah! but consider, dear reader, we had nothing else to
talk about. Moreover, I only gave story for story: and
whenever I told any thing about Woodville, he matched it
with something about Wheelabout. And in these he contrived
to anticipate and answer all inquiries that perchance
might be some day instituted concerning History, in that
region—till I looked on him as a hero, statesman and saint,
basely maligned, persecuted and driven—(for driven it
seemed he had been)—away by cruel foes and unjust
popularity.

“What did he tell you?”

Excuse me:—I can tell—but that would betray what
was told in confidence! And I am not so great a man as
Dr. Bloduplex, and must not look so high for an example,
although twelve months after this ride the Doctor—did remember
all my gossip, things said playfully and idly, and
some seriously, and did narrate and comment on them, and
draw inferences from them, and that before discontented students,
collected at his house—before Dr. Sylvan alone—
before the Board of Trustees convened as a court of trial!
Ay! and so full to overflowing was his remarkable memory,
that he recollected “what Mr. Carlton should have
told him!”—but which Mr. Carlton never did tell him!

However, let us get back to Woodville. On the way,
before arriving at a village, James Sylvan, Jun., would hasten
forward to announce our approach; when, by previous arrangement,
we were met half a mile south of each clearing,
and honoured with the ovation: immediately after which we
usually had another in the shape of eggs and bacon. At

[figure description] Page 272.[end figure description]

Melchisede cville our courier—a little waggishly—simply
announced the President! In the course of the evening
our hotel was duly visited by some democrats in shirt
sleeves, and some without a shirt—to see that old character—
President Hickory-Face! They saw, however, a
hero with a much smoother phiz, of softer words, but in all
probability of a tougher conscience.

By the end of the third day, we could hear the cow-bells
jingling homeward towards Woodville. The cows, a little
in advance, were hurried forward by our courier, in a long
line, with unwonted speed, unusual clamour, great mudsplashings
and tail lashings; from all which it was conjectured
by the look-outs in the edge of the Woodville
clearing, that something was coming! Indeed, as nothing
else could have produced such commotion and uproar, Professor
Harwood mounted into the crotch of the great old
Beech at the Spring, and peering thence into the forest,
he soon exclaimed:

“Fall in! fall in!—Sylvan's behind the cows! I see
his handkerchief waving on his whip! Fall in! the President
is coming?”

Hence when we came within a few rods of the clearing,
there sure enough they all stood in double file—

“What! the cows!”

Pshaw! no—but Harwood, and the students, and the
citizens—all in their Sunday clothes! And then taking off
their hats—all, I mean, that had any—they gave us, as we
passed between the opened lines, three or four most terrific
cheers!

How the President felt I know not—but I, fondly hoping
our college and town were both made—I was fairly lifted
above my horse! and stood in the stirrups! I rejoiced as
for my own honour,—thinking, too, I foresaw the rapid and
lasting growth of learning, and science, and civilization,
and religion. That Clarence rejoiced also, I well know—

[figure description] Page 273.[end figure description]

it was for this he had voluntarily stood aside and made
room for an “elder, I did not say, a better soldier!” That
Harwood rejoiced likewise, I well know—nay, without
Harwood's suggestions and after efforts, Bloduplex had yet
been in the peacefulness of his earlier wars—the triumph of
his first victories over the incautious and open hearted!
And yet that Harwood was soon hurled from his own office—
his living taken away—his reputation!—but stay, we
must not write faster than we lived, although very fast did
we now live, if a large experience of evil constitute fast
living!

We omit the supper, and pass to the illumination.
Pause we, however, to state that, in addition to Little College
and Big College, we boasted now a third edifice,
which may properly here be styled Biggest College. Some
time since our Board had ordered the erection of a new
building, and appointed a Committee to carry the order into
effect; who, being carpenters and masons, lost no time, but
taking the contract themselves, went immediately to work.
Hence, one morning was very unexpectedly seen a surveyor
running a line across the Campus, driving down
stakes, &c.—and also several labourers digging a foundation!
Professor Harwood accidentally passing, asked in
surprise what was meant: and he was answered, “it's for
the New College!”

“College!!—why we have no plan yet.”

“Plan!—why it is to be like the Court-House—and aint
that big enough?”

The next moment Harwood was at my store; and out of
breath began:

“I say, Carlton!—do you know what's going on our
way?”

“No: what?”

“Why they're digging away at the foundation of the new
College—

[figure description] Page 274.[end figure description]

“No! you're quizzing — ”

“Quizzing!—yes, quiz it will be on a large scale: they
are actually going to put up a building the express size and
pattern of that odious Court House!”

`Impossible!—let's go down and stop it.”

And, sure enough, there was a foundation marked off for
a building exactly square, about 50 feet to the side! Happily
we had some influence, and some trustees had some
shame: and hence, while the work could not be stopped, the
contracts having been secretly disposed of and shared
among our own trustees and their friends, an order was procured
for an enlargement of the affair, making the house 30
feet longer; and instead of two, three stories high! And
this is the true history, although Dr. Bloduplex prided himself
with having suggested in his letters “the just proportions:”
the proportions, just or unjust, were wholly accidental,
and owing to the cupidity of the contractors, and not
to the love of classical or unclassical architecture.

Well, on the memorable night of the President's arrival,
Little and Big Colleges were very tastefully illuminated in
the eastern way; but on Biggest College, then incomplete,
had been raised above the roof a pole perpendicular to the
apex. The upper end of said pole, passed through the centre
of radiating pieces bounded by a circumference, and continued
to rise yet a few feet. Near its top crossed a bar at
right angles; and at each end of the bar a candle represented
a Professor—a very large candle on the extremity
of the pole itself personated the President. The Students
stood in other candles around the circle below, and just
described; so that the Greater and Lesser Lights of the
Purchase glimmered forth to night, in all the glory and effulgence
of cotton wick and beef-tallow.

It was a proud night! and not undelightful our emotions
and anticipations, as we stood in the edge of the wilderness,
late the lurking place of the Indian, and yet concealing the

p111-610 [figure description] Page 275.[end figure description]

bear, the wolf, the panther, and gazed on those symbolical
tapers! It did seem that Mind in its march had halted and
erected her standard! But even while we gazed, those tapers
became oddly extinguished! First, one after another,
died away the lights of the circle!—then the lights at the
extreme ends of the bar, first Clarence, then Harwood!—
while the light topping the pole was left, feebly burning, indeed,
and spluttering, yet triumphant and alone!

“Was that ominous of what follows?”

So Aunt Kitty insists. Beside, she fortified her superstition
by a dream! She dreamed that very night! that
Mr. Clarence was seated in his great rocking chair, on the
top of Biggest College, and that a wind, insidious, noiseless,
and yet resistless, came like a double-blowing tornado,
and hurled him to the earth!

Events soon happened strangely corroborative of the old
lady's ideas and misgivings—and we can only account for
those things, as Southey for the unaccountables, in Wesley's
life—“there are more things in heaven,” &c. Some said
the Top Candle burnt and smoked the longest, because it
contained the largest amount of gross animal matter, and
was most wick-ed; but still that, you know, does not account
satisfactorily for Aunt Kitty's dream, does it?

eaf111v2.n44

[44] Adverb of time. Vide Murray—or some of his pilferers.