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Major Thorntree having come a wearisome journey,
from a love of justice and to promote the welfare of Woodville,—
(and so he always insisted)—our Board could but
consent to a meeting; especially when the Major expressed
his fears that certain statesmen[34] might unhappily influence
the next Legislature to remove the College, unless the
Faculty were better watched and governed. Beside, from
the report of his son, who was a very honest boy and never
said anything to a person's prejudice, and from what had
been stated to himself since his arrival, by some worthy
citizens of Woodville, the Major really believed,—(so he
said)—that there had been gross mismanagement in general
by the Faculty, and much shameless partiality, and at the
expense of his son particularly. He thought, too, his son's
punishment was for a very trivial offence, and had been
rash, and perhaps, malicious; at all events, it was excesive
and arbitrary, aristocratic and unconstitutional; hence, such
things must be crushed and resisted now, or there would
be a speedy union of church and state.

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We, therefore, met. And, first, were canvassed and rejected
many propositions suggested to us by different ones
of our numerous lobby-members. Among these proposals
were some remarkable for boldness, simplicity and ingenuity;
such as “turn 'em rite out!”—“send 'em packin!”—
“pay 'em and have done with 'em!—“don't pay 'em no
how!”—“sue for damejis!” But it was finally determined
by our honourable visitor, the Major, that we should summon
the Faculty and hear their defence! Nay—he was
even willing to have a trial; as he said witnesses were in
attendance from the citizens, and he thought it proper also
to call on all the students for their opinion and testimony!

This was adopted, Mr. Carlton crying out in the negative;
and so, likewise, would have done Dr. Sylvan; but
unfortunately just at the time of our meeting, the Doctor
was forced to go and mix medicines and then to visit a
patient in a remote part of the county!

About the same time, Charles Clarence was employed
in castle building; or what was the same sort of architecture
in the Purchase—in College building; being seated
on “a cloud capt tower” of sublime and solemn view!
But awaked by the braying discord of Woodville, he started
from his dream! and spite of all past experience he was
momentarily amazed! He had caught a new glimpse of a
many headed-monster! and its enormous tail! He became
sick at heart; and the warm blood of generous self-devotion
in his heart congealed! He seemed in a vacuum—
as if all the air was blowing from around him! Yet, soon
he recalled important truths, such as—“cease from man,
whose breath is in his nostrils!”—“put not your trust in
princes!”

And when the first bitterness of the soul was past, he
remembered his Divine Master; who did good to the wicked
and thankless! yea, to enemies! And he thought the
very folly and ignorance and malice and idleness of a

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community, were the very things Christ's servants must strive
to enlighten, remove, correct, instruct! Ashamed then of
his momentary alarm, he recalled the noble saying of an
ancient statesman and warrior, who builded a wall in troublesome
times; and he resolved to imitate, and like him
said,—“What! shall such a man as I flee!”

Meanwhile, rumour had been tramping about with her
crescit eundô; and, long before the Faculty received our
Scytala, they had heard her cry—“The Board has told
Major Thorntree, the Faculty shall be tried and turned
right out, and shall be sued for damages done the school
and the State, and—Woodville, by their unconstitutional,
high-hand, big-buggish, aristocratic yankee notions!!”

The accused had nearly a mile to walk to the place of
execution; and along the path were strewed the sovereign
people to see “the fellers go along to git it!” Yet instead
of beholding “two fellers” sneaking along, like office-holders
trembling about their bread and butter, they saw
two gentlemen proceeding with a slow and somewhat
studied gait, with heads erect, countenances serene, and
not rarely illuminated with smiles of mingled pity and contempt,
benevolence and indignation! Sneers, therefore,
ready to curl on noses, and looks of vulgar triumph, with
which οι Πολλοι intended to greet their victims, were changed
into remarks and looks of vexed admiration; for barbarians
of all kinds pay involuntary honour to calm and fearless
conduct in those destined to the torture. Indeed, the
crowd to-day, was at a loss to say, whether the Faculty
were going up town to be tried; or as lords and judges to
give and interpret the laws.

On entering the court our gentlemen bowed, and then
took stations where such could be found; for all the stools,
backless chairs, and even bedsides of Dr. Sylvan's room,
where we had convened, were filled; and like all ultra
fashionables at a jam, some of us stood, till politeness, ne

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cessity, or whim in those seated and reclined, gave others
a temporary seat.

A dead calm ensued; we, of course, not knowing how
to proceed with our prisoners, as we were in the predicament
of the Pro-consul, who felt the awkwardness of sending
a state prisoner to Cæsar and without any good accusation.
But Mr. Clarence himself kindly relieved our embarrassment
by breaking the ice thus:—

“Gentlemen[35]—We are here, though not as delinquents.
We come, however, not merely willing, but even desirous
that our whole official conduct may be subjected to the
most rigorous and minute investigation. We are confident,
if popular clamour be disregarded, and improper interference
be disallowed, we are confident we can make the
College; and, if it must be a reason for the aid or silence
of some, we can make the town. We are ready then, to
give ample and minute explanations to the Board; or answer
any question of any of its members about our plans,
rules, maxims—in short-our whole discipline; and are
sure that the more —”

Here the Major and without rising broke in—“this is all
very fair, Mr Clarence, but the Board—(the Major was no
member)—think you have been hasty and partial; and I
myself, think, as my son has been unjustly used, you ought
to give some satisfaction —”

“I question, your right, Major Thorntree,” rejoined
Clarence, to speak thus in the Board; but we waive our
objection; and if it will satisfy you or the Board, we submit
to what you may be pleased to call and consider a
trial.”

“Well, sir, will you allow the students to appear as
witnesses?”

[figure description] Page 185.[end figure description]

“Willingly even—that! And yet I know not that such
a request ought to surprise us more than all the proceedings.
Yes, call in all the students—let them say what is true—
we invite the truth.”

Some one here asked if the boys should take an oath!!

“No, sir! no, sir! no!”—said Clarence—“by no means—
every consideration is against it! No! let them speak
on honour what they know or even believe to be truth!
And beside, we pledge our honour that we will never remember
to their prejudice whatever disparaging things may
be said by them as witnesses.”

A whisper of approbation began to buzz around our lobbies;
which sussurration reaching the People without, was
answered by a gentle “hurrah! for the Fakilty!” At
this the Major was a leetle disconcerted. But as he had
a little modesty that was natural. He, then, remarked:—

“You seem in good spirits, gentlemen,”—(Clarence and
Harwood,)—“yet if I am allowed to bring in all the testimony,
your confidence may be weaker. But how shall
the boys give their testimony, sir?”

“I will tell you, sir,” replied Clarence: “place a chair
there:—now call in every boy, without exception, and in
any order deemed satisfactory—do not omit even the two
suspended boys. Then, let the boy in the chair for the
time, first tell an uninterrupted story; then let the Major,
or any member of the Board, ask any questions, leading or
otherwise, that he may wish; and then let Professor Harwood
and myself have the same privilege, and —”

“That's fair! if it ain't, bust my rifle!”—was heard
from without, manifesting a change in favour of the right.
And that, as was always the case, had a corresponding
effect on matters within. Hence I ventured now on no
injudicious interference. The Major, too, was evidently
awed by this voice of his masters: and, perhaps, certain
of our young folks were thus aided in speaking the truth,

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or at least not suppressing it. Whether Clarence designed
to be so politic is not for me to say;—but we lived in a log-rolling
country—and even the best of men will manage in
emergencies. Indeed, our Board and its Major, only
wanted the vox populi: and Clarence only contrived to
make their god speak—ass though it often be.

The students, introduced one by one into the chair,
(with a few exceptions,) gave a united testimony in favour
of the Faculty: and even young Crabstick said nothing
against them, save that, they ought not to have suspended
him—and yet, as it was over, he said, he intended to return
to school! The other sprout, Thorntree, refused to appear.

The Major, thus far disappointed, now proposed to call
in the citizens as witness, as “wrong had been done by
the Faculty! but that boys stood naturally in awe of their
teachers!! and, therefore, they did not like to tell all they
knew!!!”

Clarence then remarked:—“Had not our amazement all
been used up, gentlemen, we should certainly be aghast at
this!—but, be it so—let our fellow-citizens all come in;
and without an oath! We know ten thousand idle rumours
are afloat:—but, if every honest man will honourably and
fearlessly, like a backwoodsman, state exactly, and neither
more nor less than what he himself personally has seen,
heard, and knows about Mr. Harwood and myself, in all
our dealings and intercourse with them as citizens, as men,
as teachers, as Christians—I say, call them in—call them
in—we are ready —”

(Outside.)

“Pick my flint—if I know any thing agin the fakiltymen
arter all —”

“Nor me nuther—bust my rifle if I do!”

“Well—all I know, I heern Patchin's ole-womun a-say-in'
she heerd say they was powerful ristocratty —”

“I'm sentimentally of opinyin, Ned, thare ain't no use

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a-goin' in, if a feller doesn't know nothun of himself.”

“Bust my rifle, if we're quite sich fools!”

“Agreed—them's my sentiments!”

“Me too!”

This thunder on the proper side from the politicians'
god, was operating to the immediate and honourable discharge
of our prisoners; and, perhaps, with an apology for
the trouble caused them; when the Major announced one
citizen as ready to state on his own knowledge, things adverse
to the Faculty.

“Who is it, sir?” demanded Clarence.

“Mendax Liebug.”

“Mr. Liebug! and does Major Thorntree ask this
honourable Board to believe without an oath, a person not
admissible in yonder court-house as a witness even with
an oath? No Atheist shall ever testify semi-judicially
either for or against me: and I trust, gentlemen, this will
not be permitted—but, if otherwise, be the consequences
what they may, the instant Mr. Liebug enters that door as
a witness, I take my departure out of this.”

Several members of the Board expressed approbation
of Clarence's sentiments: and the people, led by the
Hoosier that swore by his rifle, all allowed “it would be
most powerful onfair to ask folks to believe any body without
swearin', who couldn't take a legal affidavy.” And
Mr. Mendax Liebug was not admitted.

As a last attempt to demolish the Faculty, the Major
said he would rest the whole on one question and answer,
if Mr. Clarence was willing.

“I am willing, sir,”—said Clarence,—“proceed.”

The people crowded to hear, won by our Principal's
candour and readiness—two things all potent with genuine
woodsmen:—and then the Major, with a triumphant flourish,
went on:—

“Mr. Clarence, you are a preacher; and the Bible

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directs us to do to others as we would be done by:—well,
sir, recall your boyish days, and put yourself in my son's
place; and, how would you have acted, in view of what
you deemed small laws, and how would you have regarded
a Faculty, that had acted as you have just acted towards
my son?”

“Why, sir,” said Clarence, in reply, “I should have
acted just as thoughtlessly as your son has acted, and as
most young men every where occasionally act:—I should,
then, probably have broken the laws and abused a Faculty;
and, of course, merited and received what your son merited
and received—discipline. Thus I thought and should
have done when `a child;' but having become a man, I
have put away childish things, and have dealt with your
son now, as men ought to have dealt with me then.”

“Hah! haw!—perttee powerful smart feller! if that
ain't a fair answer, bust my rifle! Come, boys, let's be
off—I allow Clarinse and t'other fakilty-man kin manudge
collige better nor us. Who's goin' squirrillin'--no use
wastin' time here no longer no how!”

And so away went the people; and away went the
Trustees; and away went the Faculty. But the Major
and they first shook hands, in sign of forgiveness and amity:
yet young Thorntree was not sent back to school, and the
Major was ever more suspected as an enemy, than loved
as a friend.

The next day, honest Rifle-bust walked into my store,
and began as follows:—

“Well—bust my rifle, Carltin, if I wa'rn't most teetotally
and sentimentally wrong 'bout that fakilty thing.
Here, I've brung a dozen squirl for your ole-woman—and
I want the worth on 'em in lead. I'll not settle our whole
'count now—but next week I'll get that hoss-beast for you,
and in sang time I'll likkefy all —”

“Oh! no odds, Ned! I didn't fear an honest man:—

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only use your own eyes and ears, and you'll do people
justice—here's your lead. Now just step in and see Mrs.
Carlton, and she'll play you a tune.”

Accordingly, in went Ned; and directly up struck the
piano—not with any of your new-fangled fandangos, but
with those primitive movements—“Polly put the Kettle
on”—and—“Go to the D— and shake yourself,” and
so forth: and soon could be plainly heard Ned kicking to
pieces my rag carpet, in what he called a dance; and
then Mrs. Carlton's merry laugh, as Ned gave a vernacular
version of “the rumpus 'tween Clarinse and the Major
and t'other fakilty-man,” and ended with his “sentimentul
opinyin that the Majur was most teetotally discumflisticutted,
and near about as good as chaw'd up.”

Our Board, after this disturbance, met and enacted a
code of laws for the guidance of the Faculty, and ordained,
among other matters, that for a first offence, should be
private admonition: for the second, public admonition;
and for the third, suspension! This beautiful gradation
had been mentioned in some venerable old woman's Prize
Essay on Education; and was supposed to embody the
quintescence of all experience in the art of government.
It was not, indeed, stated whether the same offence was to
be committed three times; or three different offences; or
if the same must be done by three different pupils in succession,
or by one three times, to secure the benefits of
suspension. Nor was any thing said about the age, the
understanding, the knowledge, the temptations, the aggravations
of an offender and offence. And no notice was
taken of looks, words, gestures, &c. &c.—any or all of
which often accompany one offence, and make it equal to
three—ay, to three times three!

Hence our skilful application of patent gum and gammon
for the teaching of teachers, wrought as the Faculty predicted—
two offences of the same kind were repeatedly

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committed by the boys collectively and individually, and private
and public admonitions were as plenty as beach-nuts;
while the ingenuous youth instead of doing an old sin once
more, did a new one twice! Indeed, nothing was more
sport than to get admonition No. 2; for the “fellows” had
come to see plain enough that the Faculty were not really
masters unless the pupils should be silly enough to give
them that advantage.

In this state of affairs, a relative of Liebug's entered the
school and purposely committed offence No. 1. Now No. 1
had been twice committed by other boys, and had been duly
rebuked—and so No. 1 was decided by the Faculty in this
case, owing to the great effrontery of young Brass, to be
really No. 3. And, therefore, Mr. Brass, jun. was promptly
suspended for one week.

Immediately Mr. Brass, sen. determined to have a
meeting of our Board. But we, now convinced that the old
woman's or the impertinent Mr. Boston's patent-twaddlerules,
could not be made to measure into all the sinuosities
and around all the angles of behaviour in merry and cunning
lads; and that after all, well qualified teachers were as
competent to judge of things as pert writers or Taylorian
lecturers, or persons that have conducted infant-schools,
or short-hand schools, or steam schools of ever so many
horse power—we now refused to be called. Whereupon
Mr. Brass, sen. in order to spite the rats, went and established
a Sunday-school in his own house, and taught there
gratuitously male and female Owenism! And not satisfied
with this revenge, he once, in my store, tried to overcome
professor Harwood in an argument on the truth of
the Christian religion; but in this attempt he was utterly
discomfited, and to the amusement of the auditors seated
on my counters. Wherefore, Mr. Brass, sen., advanced
to where Mr. Harwood reclined, and calling up the late
suspension of young Brass, he said he had now “a powerful
d— mind to thrash him for it.”

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This was quite a favourite mode of arguing in the Purchase
and required much bodily strength and agility. How
learned men of slender bodies, pale faces, small hands and
green spectacles would have felt, in prospect of rencontre
with such a bear, is doubtful; but our professor,
although dressed in store cloth and rather dandy-looking,
betrayed no emotion, and never altered his half-recumbent
attitude. Yet plain was it, from the flash of his grey eyes,
and the hard compression of his lips, he was ready to ward
off his antagonist—perhaps, even to spring on the threatening
brute. This Bruin Brass perceived; and when Mr.
H. cooly replied “very well, sir; try it—but maybe you'll
find your mistake in that argument, as quick as you did in
the other,”—he affected to laugh the whole off as a joke!
And happy! if he valued sound bones; for my friend
Harwood was a fine square built muscular young Kentuckian,
from early life used to every feat of strength and
agility, and able now to lift a barrel of flour in his unaided
arms, and carry it before him and without trip or pause
full fifty honest yards!

Even the Spiritual Church may put defensive and carnal
weapons into her children's hands to keep at a distance
the sanctimonious assassins and murderous snivellers of a
canting and unholy apostacy; and so cases do arise, where
scholars may and ought to repel club logic with knockdown
argument. Yea and nay, an atheistic bear when
about to use violence must be, if possible, resisted with
physics, even as the veritable shaggy-coat himself; metaphysics,
here, may come afterwards.

My friend Harwood had conducted the debate as a
Christian and a gentleman; and the double rebuke given
the atheist, while it had no tendency to change his heart,
quelled his beastly spirit and controlled its ferocity; and
ever after our Faculty were free from all fear of Mr. Brass,
sen., and all trouble from Mr. Brass, jun.

eaf111v2.n34

[34] The Major was himself a member of the Legislature; and hence
had fair opportunites of knowing.

p111-527

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