Scene Secunda.
Enter Falstoffe, Mist. Ford, Mist. Page, Seruants, Ford,
Page, Caius, Euans, Shallow.
Fal.
Mi. Ford, Your sorrow hath eaten vp my sufferance;
I see you are obsequious in your loue, and I professe
requitall to-a haires bredth, not onely Mist. Ford,
in the simple office of loue, but in all the accustrement,
complement, and ceremony of it: But are you sure of
your husband now?
Mis. Ford.
Hee's a birding (sweet Sir Iohn.)
Mis. Page.
What hoa, gossip Ford: what hoa.
Mis. Ford.
Step into th'chamber, Sir Iohn.
Mis. Page.
How now (sweete heart) whose at home
besides your selfe?
Mis Ford
Why none but mine owne people.
Mis. Page.
Indeed?
Mis. Ford.
No certainly: Speake louder.
Mist. Pag.
Truly, I am so glad you haue no body here.
Mist. Ford.
Why?
Mis Page.
Why woman, your husband is in his olde
lines againe: he so takes on yonder with my husband, so
railes against all married mankinde; so curses all Eues
daughters, of what complexion soeuer; and so buffettes
himselfe on the for-head: crying peere-out, peere-out,
that any madnesse I euer yet beheld, seem'd but tamenesse,
ciuility, and patience to this his distemper he is in
now: I am glad the fat Knight is not heere.
Mist. Ford.
Why, do's he talke of him?
Mist. Page.
Of none but him, and sweares he was caried
out the last time hee search'd for him, in a Basket:
Protests to my husband he is now heere, & hath drawne
him and the rest of their company from their sport, to
make another experiment of his suspition: But I am glad
the Knight is not heere; now he shall see his owne foolerie.
Mist. Ford.
How neere is he Mistris Page?
Mist. Pag.
Hard by, at street end; he wil be here anon.
Mist. Ford.
I am vndone, the Knight is heere.
Mist. Page.
Why then you are vtterly sham'd, & hee's
but a dead man. What a woman are you? Away with
him, away with him. Better shame, then murther.
Mist. Ford.
Which way should he go? How should I
bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket againe?
Fal.
No, Ile come no more i'th Basket:
May I not go out ere he come?
Mist. Page.
Alas: three of Mr. Fords brothers watch
the doore with Pistols, that none shall issue out: otherwise
you might slip away ere hee came: But what make
you heere?
Fal.
What shall I do? Ile creepe vp into the chimney.
Mist. Ford.
There they alwaies vse to discharge their
Birding-peeces: creepe into the Kill-hole.
Fal.
Where is it?
Mist. Ford.
He will seeke there on my word: Neyther
Presse, Coffer, Chest, Trunke, Well, Vault, but he hath
an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes
to them by his Note: There is no hiding you in the
house.
Fal.
Ile go out then.
Mist. Ford.
If you goe out in your owne semblance,
you die Sir Iohn, vnlesse you go out disguis'd.
Mist. Ford.
How might we disguise him?
Mist. Page.
Alas the day I know not, there is no womans
gowne bigge enough for him: otherwise he might
put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchiefe, and so escape.
Fal.
Good hearts, deuise something: any extremitie,
rather then a mischiefe.
Mist. Ford.
My Maids Aunt the fat woman of Brainford,
has a gowne aboue.
Mist. Page.
On my word it will serue him: shee's as
big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hat, and her muffler
too: run vp Sir Iohn.
Mist. Ford.
Go, go, sweet Sir Iohn: Mistris Page and
I will looke some linnen for your head.
Mist. Page.
Quicke, quicke, wee'le come dresse you
straight: put on the gowne the while.
Mist. Ford.
I would my husband would meete him
in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford;
he sweares she's a witch, forbad her my house, and
hath threatned to beate her.
Mist. Page.
Heauen guide him to thy husbands cudgell:
and the diuell guide his cudgell afterwards.
Mist. Ford.
But is my husband comming?
Mist. Page.
I in good sadnesse is he, and talkes of the
basket too, howsoeuer he hath had intelligence.
Mist. Ford.
Wee'l try that: for Ile appoint my men to
carry the basket againe, to meete him at the doore with
it, as they did last time.
Mist. Page.
Nay, but hee'l be heere presently: let's go
dresse him like the witch of Brainford.
Mist. Ford.
Ile first direct direct my men, what they
shall doe with the basket: Goe vp, Ile bring linnen for
him straight.
Mist. Page.
Hang him dishonest Varlet,
We cannot misuse enough:
We'll leaue a proofe by that which we will doo,
Wiues may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not acte that often, iest, and laugh,
'Tis old, but true, Still Swine eats all the draugh.
Mist. Ford.
Go Sirs, take the basket againe on your
shoulders: your Master is hard at doore: if hee bid you
set it downe, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
1 Ser.
Come, come, take it vp.
2 Ser.
Pray heauen it be not full of Knight againe.
1 Ser.
I hope not, I had liefe as beare so much lead.
Ford.
I, but if it proue true (Mr. Page) haue you any
way then to vnfoole me againe. Set downe the basket
villaine: some body call my wife: Youth in a basket:
Oh you Panderly Rascals, there's a knot: a gin, a packe,
a conspiracie against me: Now shall the diuel be sham'd.
What wife I say: Come, come forth: behold what honest
-- 55 --
cloathes you send forth to bleaching.
Page.
Why, this passes M. Ford: you are not to goe
loose any longer, you must be pinnion'd.
Euans.
Why, this is Lunaticks: this is madde, as a
mad dogge.
Shall.
Indeed M. Ford, thi is not well indeed.
Ford.
So say I too Sir, come hither Mistris Ford, Mistris
Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the vertuous
creature, that hath the iealious foole to her husband:
I suspect without cause (Mistris) do I?
Mist. Ford.
Heauen be my witnesse you doe, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty.
Ford.
Well said Brazon-face, hold it out: Come forth
sirrah.
Page.
This passes.
Mist. Ford.
Are you not asham'd, let the cloths alone.
Ford.
I shall finde you anon.
Eua.
'Tis vnreasonable; will you take vp your wiues
cloathes? Come, away.
Ford.
Empty the basket I say.
M. Ford.
Why man, why?
Ford.
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conuay'd
out of my house yesterday in this basket: why
may not he be there againe, in my house I am sure he is:
my Intelligence is true, my iealousie is reasonable, pluck
me out all the linnen.
Mist. Ford.
If you find a man there, he shall dye a Fleas
death.
Page.
Heer's no man.
Shal.
By my fidelity this is not well Mr. Ford: This
wrongs you.
Euans.
Mr Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
imaginations of your owne heart: this is iealousies.
Ford.
Well, hee's not heere I seeke for.
Page.
No, nor no where else but in your braine.
Ford.
Helpe to search my house this one time: if I find
not what I seeke, shew no colour for my extremity: Let
me for euer be your Table-sport: Let them say of me, as
iealous as Ford, that search'd a hollow Wall-nut for his
wiues Lemman. Satisfie me once more, once more serch
with me.
M. Ford.
What hoa (Mistris Page,) come you and
the old woman downe: my husband will come into the
Chamber.
Ford.
Old woman? what old womans that?
M. Ford.
Why it is my maids Aunt of Brainford.
Ford.
A witch, a Queane, an olde couzening queane:
Haue I not forbid her my house. She comes of errands
do's she? We are simple men, wee doe not know what's
brought to passe vnder the profession of Fortune-telling.
She workes by Charmes, by Spels, by th'Figure, & such
dawbry as this is, beyond our Element: wee know nothing.
Come downe you Witch, you Hagge you, come
downe I say.
Mist. Ford.
Nay, good sweet husband, good Gentlemen,
let him strike the old woman.
Mist. Page.
Come mother Prat, Come giue me your
hand.
Ford.
Ile Prat-her: Out of my doore, you Witch,
you Ragge, you Baggage, you Poulcat, you Runnion,
out, out: Ile coniure you, Ile fortune-tell you.
Mist. Page.
Are you not asham'd?
I thinke you haue kill'd the poore woman.
Mist. Ford.
Nay he will do it, 'tis a goodly credite
for you.
Ford.
Hang her witch.
Eua.
By yea, and no, I thinke the o'man is a witch indeede:
I like not when a o'man has a great peard; I spie
a great peard vnder his muffler.
Ford.
Will you follow Gentlemen, I beseech you follow:
see but the issue of my iealousie: If I cry out thus
vpon no traile, neuer trust me when I open againe.
Page.
Let's obey his humour a little further:
Come Gentlemen.
Mist. Page.
Trust me he beate him most pittifully.
Mist. Ford.
Nay by th'Masse that he did not: he beate
him most vnpittifully, me thought.
Mist. Page.
Ile haue the cudgell hallow'd, and hung
ore the Altar, it hath done meritorious seruice.
Mist. Ford.
What thinke you? May we with the warrant
of woman-hood, and the witnesse of a good conscience,
pursue him with any further reuenge?
M. Page.
The spirit of wantonnesse is sure scar'd out
of him, if the diuell haue him not in fee-simple, with
fine and recouery, he will neuer (I thinke) in the way of
waste, attempt vs againe.
Mist. Ford.
Shall we tell our husbands how wee haue
seru'd him?
Mist. Page
Yes, by all meanes: if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husbands braines: if they can find
in their hearts, the poore vnuertuous fat Knight shall be
any further afflicted, wee two will still bee the ministers.
Mist. Ford.
Ile warrant, they'l haue him publiquely
sham'd, and me thinkes there would be no period to the
iest, should he not be publikely sham'd.
Mist. Page.
Come, to the Forge with it, then shape it:
I would not haue things coole.
Exeunt
Scena Tertia.
Enter Host and Bardolfe.
Bar.
Sir, the Germane desires to haue three of your
horses: the Duke himselfe will be to morrow at Court,
and they are going to meet him.
Host.
What Duke should that be comes so secretly?
I heare not of him in the Court: let mee speake with the
Gentlemen, they speake English?
Bar.
I Sir? Ile call him to you.
Host.
They shall haue my horses, but Ile make them
pay: Ile sauce them, they haue had my houses a week at
commaund: I haue turn'd away my other guests, they
must come off, Ile sawce them, come.
Exeunt
Scena Quarta.
Enter Page, Ford, Mistris Page, Mistris Ford, and Euans.
Eua.
'Tis one of the best directors of a o'man as euer
I did looke vpon.
Page.
And did he send you both these Letters at an
instant?
Mist. Page.
VVithin a quarter of an houre.
Ford.
Pardon me (wife) henceforth do what &yu; wilt:
I rather will suspect the Sunne with gold,
Then thee with wantonnes: Now doth thy honor stand
-- 56 --
(In him that was of late an Heretike)
As firme as faith.
Page.
'Tis well, 'tis well, no more:
Be not as extreme in submission, as in offence,
But let our plot go forward: Let our wiues
Yet once againe (to make vs publike sport)
Appoint a meeting with this old fat-fellow,
Where we may take him, and disgrace him for it.
Ford.
There is no better way then that they spoke of.
Page.
How? to send him word they'll meete him in
the Parke at midnight? Fie, fie, he'll neuer come.
Eu.
You say he has bin throwne in the Riuers: and
has bin greeuously peaten, as an old o'man: me-thinkes
there should be terrors in him, that he should not come:
Me-thinkes his flesh is punish'd, hee shall haue no desires.
Page.
So thinke I too.
M. Ford.
Deuise but how you'l vse him wh&ebar; he comes,
And let vs two deuise to bring him thether.
Mis. Page.
There is an old tale goes, that Herne the
Hunter (sometime a keeper heere in Windsor Forrest)
Doth all the winter time, at still midnight
Walke round about an Oake, with great rag'd-hornes,
And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle,
And make milch-kine yeeld blood, and shakes a chaine
In a most hideous and dreadfull manner.
You haue heard of such a Spirit, and well you know
The superstitious idle-headed-Eld
Receiu'd, and did deliuer to our age
This tale of Herne the Hunter, for a truth.
Page.
Why yet there want not many that do feare
In deepe of night to walke by this Hernes Oake:
But what of this?
Mist. Ford.
Marry this is our deuise,
That Falstaffe at that Oake shall meete with vs.
Page.
Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come,
And in this shape, when you haue brought him thether,
What shall be done with him? What is your plot?
Mist. Pa.
That likewise haue we thoght vpon: & thus:
Nan Page (my daughter) and my little sonne,
And three or foure more of their growth, wee'l dresse
Like Vrchins, Ouphes, and Fairies, greene and white,
With rounds of waxen Tapers on their heads,
And rattles in their hands; vpon a sodaine,
As Falstaffe, she, and I, are newly met,
Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once
With some diffused song: Vpon their sight
We two, in great amazednesse will flye:
Then let them all encircle him about,
And Fairy-like to pinch the vncleane Knight;
And aske him why that houre of Fairy Reuell,
In their so sacred pathes, he dares to tread
In shape prophane.
Ford.
And till he tell the truth,
Let the supposed Fairies pinch him, sound,
And burne him with their Tapers.
Mist. Page.
The truth being knowne,
We'll all present our selues; dis-horne the spirit,
And mocke him home to Windsor.
Ford.
The children must
Be-practis'd well to this, or they'll neu'r doo't.
Eua.
I will teach the children their behauiours: and I
will be like a Iacke-an-Apes also, to burne the Knight
with my Taber.
Ford.
That will be excellent,
Ile go buy them vizards.
Mist. Page.
My Nan shall be the Queene of all the
Fairies, finely attired in a robe of white.
Page.
That silke will I go buy, and in that time
Shall M. Slender steale my Nan away,
And marry her at Eaton: go, send to Falstaffe straight.
Ford.
Nay, Ile to him againe in name of Broome,
Hee'l tell me all his purpose: sure hee'l come.
Mist. Page.
Feare not you that: Go get vs properties
And tricking for our Fayries.
Euans.
Let vs about it,
It is admirable pleasures, and ferry honest knaueries.
Mis. Page.
Go Mist. Ford,
Send quickly to Sir Iohn, to know his minde:
Ile to the Doctor, he hath my good will,
And none but he to marry with Nan Page:
That Slender (though well landed) is an Ideot:
And he, my husband best of all affects:
The Doctor is well monied, and his friends
Potent at Court: he, none but he shall haue her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to craue her.
Scena Quinta.
Enter Host, Simple, Falstaffe, Bardolfe, Euans, Caius, Quickly.
Host.
What wouldst thou haue? (Boore) what? (thick
skin) speake, breathe, discusse: breefe, short, quicke,
snap.
Simp.
Marry Sir, I come to speake with Sir Iohn Falstaffe
from M. Slender.
Host.
There's his Chamber, his House, his Castle,
his standing-bed and truckle-bed: 'tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigall, fresh and new: go, knock
and call: hee'l speake like an Anthropophaginian vnto
thee: Knocke I say.
Simp.
There's an olde woman, a fat woman gone vp
into his chamber: Ile be so bold as stay Sir till she come
downe: I come to speake with her indeed.
Host.
Ha? A fat woman? The Knight may be robb'd:
Ile call. Bully-Knight, Bully Sir Iohn: speake from thy
Lungs Military: Art thou there? It is thine Host, thine
Ephesian cals.
Fal.
How now, mine Host?
Host.
Here's a Bohemian-Tartar taries the comming
downe of thy fat-woman: Let her descend (Bully) let
her descend: my Chambers are honourable: Fie, priuacy?
Fie.
Fal.
There was (mine Host) an old-fat-woman euen
now with me, but she's gone.
Simp.
Pray you Sir, was't not the Wise-woman of
Brainford?
Fal.
I marry was it (Mussel-shell) what would you
with her?
Simp.
My Master (Sir) my master Slender, sent to her
seeing her go thorough the streets, to know (Sir) whether
one Nim (Sir) that beguil'd him of a chaine, had the
chaine, or no.
Fal.
I spake with the old woman about it.
Sim.
And what sayes she, I pray Sir?
Fal.
Marry shee sayes, that the very same man that
beguil'd Master Slender of his Chaine, cozon'd him of it.
Simp.
I would I could haue spoken with the Woman
-- 57 --
her selfe, I had other things to haue spoken with her
too, from him.
Fal.
What are they? let vs know:
Host.
I: come: quick.
Fal.
I may not conceale them (Sir.)
Host.
Conceal them, or thou di'st
Sim.
Why sir, they were nothing bin about Mistris
Anne Page, to know if it were my Masters fortune to
haue her, or no.
Fal.
'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
Sim.
What Sir?
Fal.
To haue her; or no: goe; say the woman told
me so.
Sim.
May I be bold to say so Sir?
Fal.
I Sir: like who more bold.
Sim.
I thanke your worship: I shall make my Master
glad with these tydings.
Host.
Thou are clearkly: thou art clearkly (Sir Iohn)
was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal.
I that there was (mine Host) one that hath taught
me more wit, then euer I learn'd before in my life: and
I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.
Bar.
Out alas (Sir) cozonage: meere cozonage.
Host.
Where be my horses? speake well of them varletto.
Bar.
Run away with the cozoners: for so soone as
I came beyond Eaton, they threw me off, from behinde
one of them, in a slough of myre; and set spurres, and
away; like three Germane-diuels; three Doctor Faustasses.
Host.
They are gone but to meete the Duke (villaine)
doe not say they be fled: Germanes are honest men.
Euan.
Where is mine Host?
Host.
What is the matter Sir?
Euan.
Haue a care of your entertainments: there is a
friend of mine come to Towne, tels mee there is three
Cozen-Iermans, that has cozend all the Hosts of Readins,
of Maidenhead; of Cole-brooke, of horses and money: I
tell you for good will (looke you) you are wise, and full
of gibes, and vlouting-stocks: and 'tis not conuenient
you should be cozoned. Fare you well.
Cai.
Ver'is mine Host de Iarteere?
Host.
Here (Master Doctor) in perplexitie, and doubtfull
delemma.
Cai.
I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a-me, dat
you make grand preparation for a Duke de Iamanie: by
my trot: der is no Duke that the Court is know, so
come: I tell you for good will: adieu.
Host.
Huy and cry, (villaine) goe: assist me Knight, I
am vndone: fly, run: huy, and cry (villaine) I am vndone.
Fal.
I would all the world might be cozond, for I
haue beene cozond and beaten too: if it should come
to the eare of the Court, how I haue beene transformed;
and how my transformation hath beene washd, and
cudgeld, they would melt mee out of my fat drop by
drop, and liquor Fishermens-boots with me: I warrant
they would whip me with their fine wits, till I were as
crest-falne as a dride-peare: I neuer prosper'd, since I
forswore my selfe at Primero: well, if my winde were
but long enough; I would repent: Now? Whence come
you?
Qui.
From the two parties forsooth.
Fal.
The Diuell take one partie, and his Dam the
other: and so they shall be both bestowed; I haue suffer'd
more for their sakes; more then the villanous inconstancy
of mans disposition is able to beare.
Qui.
And haue not they suffer'd? Yes, I warrant; speciously
one of them; Mistris Ford (good heart) is beaten
blacke and blew, that you cannot see a white spot about
her.
Fal.
What tell'st thou mee of blacke, and blew? I
was beaten my selfe into all the colours of the Rainebow:
and I was like to be apprehended for the Witch
of Braineford, but that my admirable dexteritie of wit,
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman deliuer'd
me, the knaue Constable had set me ith'Stocks, ith' common
Stocks, for a Witch.
Qu,
Sir: let me speake with you in your Chamber,
you shall heare how things goe, and (I warrant) to your
content: here is a Letter will say somewhat: (good-hearts)
what a-doe here is to bring you together? Sure,
one of you do's not serue heauen well, that you are so
cross'd.
Fal.
Come vp into my Chamber.
Exeunt.
Scena Sexta.
Enter Fenton, Host.
Host.
Master Fenton, talke not to mee, my minde is
heauy: I will giue ouer all.
Fen.
Yet heare me speake: assist me in my purpose,
And (as I am a gentleman) ile giue thee
A hundred pound in gold, more then your losse.
Host.
I will heare you (Master Fenton) and I will (at
the least) keepe your counsell.
Fen.
From time to time, I haue acquainted you
With the deare loue I beare to faire Anne Page,
Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection,
(So farre forth, as her selfe might be her chooser)
Euen to my wish; I haue a letter from her
Of such contents, as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof, so larded with my matter,
That neither (singly) can be manifested
Without the shew of both: fat Falstaffe
Hath a great Scene; the image of the iest
Ile show you here at large (harke good mine Host:)
To night at Hernes-Oke, iust 'twixt twelue and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Faerie-Queene:
The purpose why, is here: in which disguise
VVhile other Iests are something ranke on foote,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him, at Eaton
Immediately to Marry: She hath consented: Now Sir,
Her Mother, (euen strong against that match
And firme for Doctor Caius) hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their mindes,
And at the Deanry, where a Priest attends
Strait marry her: to this her Mothers plot
She seemingly obedient) likewise hath
Made promise to the Doctor: Now, thus it rests,
Her Father meanes she shall be all in white;
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand, and bid her goe,
She shall goe with him: her Mother hath intended
(The better to deuote her to the Doctor:
For they must all be mask'd, and vizarded)
-- 58 --
That quaint in greene, she shall be loose en-roab'd,
With Ribonds-pendant, flaring 'bout her head;
And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and on that token,
The maid hath giuen consent to go with him.
Host.
Which meanes she to deceiue? Father, or Mother.
Fen.
Both (my good Host) to go along with me:
And heere it rests, that you'l procure the Vicar
To stay for me at Church, 'twixt twelue, and one,
And in the lawfull name of marrying,
To giue our hearts vnited ceremony.
Host.
Well, husband your deuice; Ile to the Vicar,
Bring you the Maid, you shall not lacke a Priest.
Fen.
So shall I euermore be bound to thee;
Besides, Ile make a present recompence.
Exeunt
William Shakespeare, 1564-1616 [1623], Mr. William Shakespeares comedies, histories, & tragedies. Published according to the True Originall Copies (Printed by Isaac Iaggard, and Ed. Blount, London) [word count] [S10801].
