Brooke.
For.
God saue you sir.
Fal.
And you too, would you speak with me?
Fal.
Mary would I sir, I am somewhat bolde to trouble you,
My name is Brooke.
Fal.
Good M. Brooke your verie welcome.
For.
Ifaith sir I am a gentleman and a traueller,
That haue seen somewhat. And I haue often heard
That if mony goes before, all waies lie open.
Fal.
Mony is a good souldier sir, and will on.
For.
Ifaith sir, and I haue a bag here,
Would you wood helpe me to beare it.
Fal.
O Lord, would I could tell how to deserue
To be your porter.
For.
That may you easily sir Iohn: I haue an earnest
Sute to you. But good sir Iohn when I haue
Told you my griefe, cast one eie of your owne
Estate, since your selfe knew what tis to be
Such an offender.
Fal.
Verie well sir, proceed.
For.
Sir I am deeply in loue with one Fords wife
Of this Towne. Now sir Iohn you are a gentleman
Of good discoursing, well beloued among Ladies,
A man of such parts that might win 20. such as she.
Fal.
O good sir.
For.
Nay beleeue it sir Iohn, for tis time. Now my loue
Is so grounded vpon her, that without her loue
I shall hardly liue.
Fal.
Haue you importuned her by any means?
Ford.
No neuer Sir.
-- --
Fal.
Of what qualitie is your loue then?
Ford.
Ifaith sir, like a faire house set vpon
Another mans foundation.
Fal.
And to what end haue you vnfolded this to me?
For.
O sir, when I haue told you that, I told you all:
For she sir stands so pure in the firme state
Of her honestie, that she is too bright to be looked
Against: Now could I come against her
With some detecti&obar;, I should sooner perswade her
From her marriage vow, and a hundred such nice
Tearmes that sheele stand vpon.
Fal.
Why would it apply well to the veruensie of your affection,
That another should possesse what you would enioy?
Meethinks you prescribe verie proposterously
To your selfe.
For.
No sir, for by that meanes should I be certaine of that which I now misdoubt.
Fal.
Well M. Brooke, Ile first make bold with your mony,
Next, giue me your hand. Lastly, you shall
And you will, enioy Fords wife.
For.
O good sir.
Fal.
M. Brooke, I say you shall.
Ford.
Want no mony Syr Iohn, you shall want none.
Fal.
Want no Misteris Ford M. Brooke,
You shall want none. Euen as you came to me,
Her spokes mate, her go between parted from me:
I may tell you M. Brooke, I am to meet her
Between 8. and 9. for at that time the Iealous
Cuckally knaue her husband wil be from home,
Come to me soone at night, you shall know how
I speed M. Brooke.
-- --
Ford.
Sir do you know Ford?
Fal.
Hang him poore cuckally knaue, I know him not,
And yet I wrong him to call him poore. For they
Say the cuckally knaue hath legions of angels,
For the which his wife seemes to me well fauored,
And Ile vse her as the key of the cuckally knaues
Coffer, and there's my randeuowes.
Ford.
Meethinkes sir it were very good that you knew
Ford, that you might shun him.
Fal.
Hang him cuckally knaue, Ile stare him
Out of his wits, Ile keepe him in awe
With this my cudgell: It shall hang like a meator
Ore the wittolly knaues head, M. Brooke thou shalt
See I will predominate ore the peasant,
And thou shalt lie with his wife M. Brooke
Thou shalt know him for knaue and cuckold,
Come to me soone at night.
Exit Falstaffe.
Ford.
What a damned epicurian is this?
My wife hath sent for him, the plot is laid:
Page is an Asse, a foole. A secure Asse,
Ile sooner trust an Irishman with my
Aquauita bottle, Sir Hu our parson with my cheese,
A theefe to walk my ambling gelding, th&ebar; my wife
With her selfe: then she plots, then she ruminates,
And what she thinkes in her hart she may effect,
Sheele breake her hart but she will effect it.
God be praised, God be praised for my iealousie:
Well Ile goe preuent him, the time drawes on,
Better an houre too soone, then a minit too late,
Gods my life cuckold, cuckold.
Exit Ford.
-- --
Enter the Doctor and his man.
Doc.
Iohn Rugbie goe looke met your eies ore de stall,
And spie and you can see de parson.
Rug.
Sir I cannot tell whether he be there or no,
But I see a great many comming.
Doc.
Bully moy, mon rapier Iohn Rugabie, begar de
Hearing be not so dead as I shall make him.
Enter Shallow, Page, my Host, and Slender.
Pa.
God saue you M. Doctor Cayus.
Shal,
How do you M. Doctor?
Host.
God blesse thee my bully doctor, God blesse thee,
Doc.
Vat be all you, Van to tree com for, a?
Host.
Bully to see thee fight, to see thee foine, to
see thee trauerse, to see thee here, to see thee there,
to see thee passe the punto. The stock, the reuerse,
the distance: the montnce is a dead my francoyes?
Is a dead my Ethiopian? Ha what ses my gallon?
my escuolapis? Is a dead bullies taile, is a dead?
Doc.
Begar de preest be a coward Iack knaue,
He dare not shew his face.
Host.
Thou art a castallian king vrinall.
Hector of Greece my boy.
Shal.
He hath showne himselfe the wiser man M. Doctor:
Sir Hugh is a Parson, and you a Phisition. You must
Goe with me M. Doctor.
Host.
Pardon bully Iustice. A word monsire mockwater.
Doc.
Mockwater, vat me dat?
Host.
That is in our English tongue, Vallor bully, vallor.
-- --
Doc.
Begar den I haue as mockuater as de Inglish
Iack dog, knaue.
Host.
He will claperclaw thee titely bully.
Doc.
Claperclawe, vat be dat?
Host.
That is, he will make thee amends.
Doc.
Begar I do looke he shal claperclaw me d&ebar;,
And Ile prouoke him to do it, or let him wag:
And moreouer bully, but M. Page and M. Shallow,
And eke cauellira Slender, go you all ouer the fields
to Frogmore?
Pa.
Sir Hugh is there, is hee?
Host.
He is there: goe see what humor hee is in,
Ile bring the Doctor about by the fields:
Will it do well?
Shal.
We will do it my host. Farwel M. Doctor.
Exit all but the Host and Doctor.
Doc.
Begar I will kill de cowardly Iack preest,
He is make a foole of moy.
Host.
Let him die, but first sheth your impatience,
Throw cold water on your collor, com go with me
Through the fields to Frogmore, and Ile bring thee
Where mistris An Page is a feasting at a farm house,
And thou shalt wear hir cried game: sed I wel bully
Doc.
Begar excellent vel: and if you speak pour
moy, I shall procure you de gesse of all de gentelm&ebar;
mon patinces. I begar I fall.
Host.
For the which Ile be thy aduersary
To misteris An Page: Sed I well?
Doc.
I begar excellent.
Host.
Let vs wag then.
Doc.
Alon, alon, alon.
Exit omnes.
-- --
Enter Syr Hugh and Simple.
Sir Hu.
I pray you do so much as see if you can espie
Doctor Cayus comming, and giue me intelligence,
Or bring me vrde if you please now.
Sim.
I will Sir.
Sir Hu.
Ieshu ples mee, how my hart trobes, and trobes,
And then she made him bedes of Roses,
And a thousand fragrant poses,
To shallow riueres. Now so kad vdge me, my hart
Swelles more and more. Mee thinkes I can cry
Verie well. There dwelt a man in Babylon,
To shallow riuers and to falles,
Melodious birds sing Madrigalles.
Sim.
Sir here is M. Page, and M. Shallow,
Comming hither as fast as they can.
Sir Hu.
Then it is verie necessary I put vp my sword,
Pray giue me my cowne too, marke you.
Enter Page, shallow, and Slender.
Pa.
God saue you Sir Hugh.
Shal.
God saue you M. parson.
Sir Hu.
God plesse you all from his mercies sake now.
Pa.
What the word and the sword, doth that agree well?
Sir Hu.
There is reasons and causes in all things,
I warrant you now.
Pa.
Well Sir Hugh, we are come to craue
Your helpe and furtherance in a matter.
Sir Hu.
What is I pray you?
Pa.
Ifaith tis this sir Hugh. There is an auncient
friend of ours, a man of verie good sort, so at oddes
-- --
with one patience, that I am sure you would hartily
grieue to see him. Now Sir Hugh, you are a scholler
well red, and verie perswasiue, we would intreate
you to see if you could intreat him to patience.
Sir Hu.
I pray you who is it? Let vs know that.
Pa.
I am shure you know him, tis Doctor Cayus.
Sir Hu.
I had as leeue you should tel me of a messe of poredge,
He is an arant lowsie beggerly knaue:
And he is a coward beside.
Pa.
Why Ile laie my life tis the man
That he should fight withall.
Enter Doctor and the Host, they offer to fight.
Shal.
Keep them asunder, take away their weapons.
Host.
Disarme, let them question.
Shal.
Let them keep their limbs hole, and hack our English.
Doc.
Hark van vrd in your eare. You be vn daga
And de Iack, coward preest.
Sir Hu.
Harke you, let vs not be laughing stockes
to other mens humors. By Ieshu I will knock your
vrinalls about your knaues cockcomes, for missing
your meetings and appointments.
Doc.
O Ieshu mine host of de garter, Iohn Rogoby,
Haue I not met him at de place he make a point,
Haue I not?
Sir Hu.
So kad vdge me, this is the pointment place,
Witnes by my Host of the garter.
Host.
Peace I say gawle and gawlia, Freneh and Wealch,
Soule curer, and bodie curer.
Doc.
This is verie braue, excellent.
Host.
Peace I say, heare mine host of the garter,
-- --
Am I wise? am I polliticke? am I Matchauil?
Shall I lose my doctor? No, he giues me the moti&obar;s
And the potions. Shall I lose my parson, my sir Hu?
No, he giues me the prouerbes, and the nouerbes:
Giue me thy hand terestiall,
So giue me thy hand celestiall:
So boyes of art I haue deceiued you both,
I haue directed you to wrong places,
Your hearts are mightie, you skins are whole,
Bardolfe laie their swords to pawne. Follow me lads
Of peace, follow me. Ha, ra, la. Follow.
Exit Host.
Shal.
Afore God a mad host, come let vs goe.
Doc.
I begar haue you mocka may thus?
I will be euen met you my Iack Host.
Sir Hu.
Giue me your hand Doctor Cayus,
We be all friends:
But for mine hosts foolish knauery, let me alone.
Doc.
I dat be vell begar I be friends.
(Exit omnes
Enter M. Foord.
For.
The time drawes on he shuld come to my house,
Well wife, you had best worke closely,
Or I am like to goe beyond your cunning:
I now wil seek my guesse that comes to dinner,
And in good time see where they all are come.
Enter Shallow, Page, host, Slender, Doctor, and sir Hugh.
By my faith a knot well met: your welcome all.
Pa.
I thanke you good M. Ford.
For.
Welcome good M. Page,
I would your daughter were here.
Pa.
I thank you sir, she is very well at home.
Slen.
Father Page I hope I haue your consent
For Misteris Anne?
-- --
Pa.
You haue sonne Slender, but my wife here,
Is altogether for maister Doctor.
Doc.
Begar I tanck her hartily:
Host.
But what say you to yong Maister Fenton?
He capers, he daunces, he writes verses, he smelles
All April and May: he wil cary it, he wil carit,
Tis in his betmes he wil carite.
Pa.
My host not with my c&obar;sent: the gentleman is
Wilde, he knowes too much: If he take her,
Let him take her simply: for my goods goes
With my liking, and my liking goes not that way.
For.
Well I pray go home with me to dinner:
Besides your cheare Ile shew you wonders: Ile
Shew you a monster. You shall go with me
M. Page, and so shall you sir Hugh, and you Maister Doctor.
S. Hu.
If there be one in the company, I shal make two:
Doc.
And dere be ven to, I sall make de tird:
Sir Hu,
In your teeth for shame,
Shal:
wel, wel, God be with you, we shall haue the fairer
Wooing at Maister Pages:
Exit Shallow and Slender,
Host
Ile to my honest knight sir Iohn Falstaffe,
And drinke Canary with him.
Exit host.
Ford.
I may chance to make him drinke in pipe wine,
First come gentlemen.
Exit omnes.
Enter Mistresse Ford, with two of her men, and a great buck busket.
Mis. For.
Sirrha, if your M. aske you whither
You carry this basket, say to the Launderers,
I hope you know how to bestow it?
Ser.
I warrant you misteris.
Exit seruant.
-- --
Mis. For.
Go get you in. Well sir Iohn,
I beleeue I shall serue you such a trick,
You shall haue little mind to come againe.
Enter Sir Iohn.
Fal.
Haue I caught my heauenlie Iewel?
Why now let me die. I haue liued long inough,
This is the happie houre I haue desired to see,
Now shall I sin in my wish,
I would thy husband were dead.
Mis. For.
Why how then sir Iohn?
Fal.
By the Lord, Ide make thee my Ladie.
Mis. For.
Alas sir Iohn, I should be a verie simple Ladie.
Fal.
Goe too, I see how thy eie doth emulate the Diamond.
And how the arched bent of thy brow
Would become the ship tire, the tire vellet,
Or anie Venetian attire, I see it.
Mis. For.
A plaine kercher sir Iohn, would fit me better.
Fal.
By the Lord thou art a traitor to saie so:
What made me loue thee? Let that perswade thee
Ther's somewhat extraordinarie in thee: Goe too I loue thee:
Mistris Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, like one
Of these fellowes that smels like Bucklers-berie,
In simple time, but I loue thee,
And none but thee.
Mis. For.
Sir Iohn, I am afraid you loue misteris Page.
Fal.
I thou mightest as well saie
I loue to walke by the Counter gate,
VVhich is as hatefull to me
As the reake of a lime kill.
-- --
Enter Mistresse Page.
Mis. Pa.
Mistresse Ford, Mis. Ford, where are you?
Mis. For.
O Lord step aside good sir Iohn.
Falstaffe stands behind the aras.
How now Misteris Page whats the matter?
Mis. Pa.
Why your husband woman is c&obar;ming,
With halfe Windsor at his heeles,
To looke for a gentleman that he ses
Is hid in his house: his wifes sweet hart.
Mis. For.
Speak louder. But I hope tis not true Misteris Page.
Mis. Pa.
Tis too true woman. Therefore if you
Haue any here, away with him, or your vndone for euer.
Mis. For.
Alas mistresse Page, what shall I do?
Here is a gentleman my friend, how shall I do?
Mis. Pa.
Gode body woman, do not stand what
shal I do, and what shall I do. Better any shift, rather
then you shamed. Looke heere, here's a buck-basket,
if hee be a man of any reasonable sise, heele in
here.
Mis. For.
Alas I feare he is too big.
Fal.
Let me see, let me see, Ile in, Ile in,
Follow your friends counsell.
(Aside.
Mis. Pa.
Fie sir Iohn is this your loue? Go too.
Fal.
I loue thee, and none but thee:
Helpe me to conuey me hence,
Ile neuer come here more.
-- --
Sir Iohn goes into the basket, they put cloathes ouer him,
the two men carries it away: Foord meetes it, and all
the rest, Page, Doctor, Priest, Slender, Shallow.
Ford.
Come pray along, you shall see all.
How now who goes heare? whither goes this?
Whither goes it? set it downe.
Mis. For.
Now let it go, you had best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford.
Buck, good buck, pray come along,
Maister Page take my keyes: helpe to search. Good
Sir Hugh pray come along, helpe a little, a little,
Ile shew you all.
Sir Hu.
By Ieshu these are iealosies & distemperes.
Exit omnes.
Mis. Pa.
He is in a pittifull taking.
Mis.
I wonder what he thought
Wh&ebar; my husband bad them set downe the basket.
Mis. Pa.
Hang him dishonest slaue, we cannot vse
Him bad inough. This is excellent for your
Husbands iealousie.
Mi. For.
Alas poore soule it grieues me at the hart,
But this will be a meanes to make him cease
His iealous fits, if Falstaffes loue increase.
Mis. Pa.
Nay we wil send to Falstaffe once again,
Tis great pittie we should leaue him:
What wiues may be merry, and yet honest too.
Mi. For.
Shall we be c&obar;demnd because we laugh?
'Tis old, but true: still sowes eate all the draffe.
Enter all.
Mis. Pa.
Here comes your husband, stand aside.
For.
I can find no body within, it may be he lied.
Mis. Pa.
Did you heare that?
-- --
Mis. For.
I, I, peace.
For.
Well Ile not let it go so, yet Ile trie further.
S. Hu.
By Ieshu if there be any body in the kitchin
Or the cuberts, or the presse, or the buttery,
I am an arrant Iew: Now God plesse me:
You serue me well, do you not?
Pa.
Fie M. Ford you are too blame:
Mis. Pa.
Ifaith tis not well M. Ford to suspect
Her thus without cause.
Doc.
No by my trot it be no vell:
For.
Well I pray bear with me, M. Page, pard&obar; me.
I suffer for it, I suffer for it:
Sir Hu:
You suffer for a bad conscience looke you now:
Ford:
Well I pray no more, another time Ile tell you all:
The mean time go dine with me, pard&obar; me wife,
I am sorie. M. Page pray goe in to dinner,
Another time Ile tell you all.
Pa:
Wel let it be so, and to morrow I inuite you all
To my house to dinner: and in the morning weele
A birding, I haue an excellent Hauke for the bush.
Ford:
Let it be so: Come M. Page, come wife:
I pray you come in all, your welcome, pray come in.
Sir Hu:
By so kad vdgme, M. Fordes is
Not in his right wittes:
Exit omnes:
Enter Sir Iohn Falstaffe.
Fal:
Bardolfe brew me a pottle sack presently:
Bar:
With Egges sir?
Fal:
Simply of it selfe, Ile none of these pullets sperme
In my drinke: goe make haste.
Haue I liued to be carried in a basket
-- --
and throwne into the Thames like a barow of Butchers
offoll. Well, and I be serued such another
tricke, Ile giue them leaue to take out my braines
and butter them, and giue them to a dog for a new-yeares
gift. Sblood, the rogues slided me in with as
little remorse as if they had gone to drowne a blind
bitches puppies in the litter: and they might know
by my sise I haue a kind of alacritie in sinking: and
the bottom had bin as deep as hell I should downe.
I had bene drowned, but that the shore was sheluie
and somewhat shallowe: a death that I abhorre.
For you know the water swelles a man: and what a
thing should I haue bene wh&ebar; I had bene swelled?
By the Lord a mountaine of money. Now is the
Sacke brewed?
Bar.
I sir, there's a woman below would speake with you.
Fal.
Bid her come vp. Let me put some Sacke
among this cold water, for my belly is as cold as if I
had swallowed snow-balles for pilles.
Enter Mistresse Quickly.
Now whats the newes with you?
Quic.
I come from misteris Ford forsooth.
Fal.
Misteris Ford, I haue had Ford inough,
I haue bene throwne into the Ford, my belly is full
Of Ford: she hath tickled mee.
Quic.
O Lord sir, she is the sorrowfullest woman
that her seruants mistooke, that euer liued. And sir,
she would desire you of all loues you will meet her
once againe, to morrow sir, betweene ten and eleuen,
and she hopes to make amends for all.
Fal.
Ten, and eleuen, saiest thou?
-- --
Quic.
I forsooth.
Fal.
Well, tell her Ile meet her. Let her but think
Of mans frailtie: Let her iudge what man is,
And then thinke of me. And so farwell.
Quic.
Youle not faile sir?
Exit mistresse Quickly.
Fal.
I will not faile. Commend me to her.
I wonder I heare not of M. Brooke, I like his
Mony well. By the masse here he is.
Enter Brooke.
For.
God saue you sir.
Fal.
Welcome good M. Brooke. You come to know how matters goes.
Ford.
Thats my comming indeed sir Iohn.
Fal.
M. Brooke I will not lie to you sir,
I was there at my appointed time.
For.
And how sped you sir?
Fal.
Verie ilfauouredly sir.
For.
Why sir, did she change her determination?
Fal.
No M. Brooke, but you shall heare. After we
had kissed and imbraced, and as it were euen amid
the prologue of our incounter, who should come,
but the iealous knaue her husband, and a rabble of
his companions at his heeles, thither prouoked and
instigated by his distemper. And what to do thinke
you? to search for his wiues loue. Euen so, plainly
so.
For.
While ye were there?
Fal.
Whilst I was there.
For.
And did he search and could not find you?
Fal.
You shall heare sir, as God would haue it,
A litle before comes me one Pages wife,
-- --
Giues her intelligence of her husbands
Approach: and by her inuention, and Fords wiues
Distraction, conueyd me into a buck-basket.
Ford.
A buck basket!
Fal.
By the Lord a buck-basket, rammed me in
With soule shirts, stokins, greasie napkins,
That M. Brooke, there was a compound of the most
Villanous smel, that euer offended nostrill.
Ile tell you M. Brooke, by the Lord for your sake
I suffered three egregious deaths: First to be
Crammed like a good bilbo, in the circomference
Of a pack, Hilt to point, heele to head: and then to
Be stewed in my owne grease like a Dutch dish:
A man of my kidney; by the Lord it was maruell I
Escaped suffication; and in the heat of all this,
To be throwne into Thames like a horshoo hot:
Maister Brooke, thinke of that hissing heate, Maister
Brooke.
Ford.
Well sir then my shute is void?
Youle vndertake it no more?
Fal.
M. Brooke, Ile be throwne into Etna
As I haue bene in the Thames,
Ere I thus leaue her: I haue receiued
Another appointment of meeting,
Between ten and eleuen is the houre.
Ford:
Why sir, tis almost ten alreadie:
Fal:
Is it? why then will I addresse my selfe
For my appointment: M. Brooke come to me soone
At night, and you shall know how I speed,
And the end shall be, you shall enioy her loue:
You shall cuckold Foord: Come to mee soone at
at night.
Exit Falstaffe.
-- --
For.
Is this a dreame? Is it a vision?
Maister Ford, maister Ford, awake maister Ford,
There is a hole made in your best coat M. Ford,
And a man shall not only endure this wrong,
But shall stand vnder the taunt of names,
Lucifer is a good name, Barbason good: good
Diuels names: But cuckold, wittold, godeso
The diuel himselfe hath not such a name:
And they may hang hats here, and napkins here
Vpon my hornes: Well Ile home, I ferit him,
And vnlesse the diuel himselfe should aide him,
Ile search vnpossible places: Ile about it,
Least I repent too late:
Exit omnes.
Enter M. Fenton, Page, and mistresse Quickly.
Fen:
Tell me sweet Nan, how doest thou yet resolue,
Shall foolish Slender haue thee to his wife?
Or one as wife as he, the learned Doctor?
Shall such as they enioy thy maiden hart?
Thou knowst that I haue alwaies loued thee deare,
And thou hast oft times swore the like to me.
An:
Good M. Fenton, you may assure your selfe
My hart is setled vpon none but you,
Tis as my father and mother please:
Get their consent, you quickly shall haue mine.
Fen:
Thy father thinks I loue thee for his wealth,
Tho I must needs confesse at first that drew me,
But since thy vertues wiped that trash away,
I loue thee Nan, and so deare is it set,
That whilst I liue, I nere shall thee forget.
-- --
Godes pitie here comes her father.
Enter M. Page his wife, M. Shallow, and Slender.
Pa.
M. Fenton I pray what make you here?
You know my answere sir, shees not for you:
Knowing my vow, to blame to vse me thus.
Fen.
But heare me speake sir.
Pa.
Pray sir get you gon: Come hither daughter,
Sonne Slender let me speak with you.
(they whisper.
Quic.
Speake to Misteris Page.
Fen.
Pray misteris Page let me haue your c&obar;sent.
Mis. Pa.
Ifaith M. Fent&obar; tis as my husband please.
For my part Ile neither hinder you, nor further you.
Quic.
How say you this was my doings?
I bid you speake to misteris Page.
Fen.
Here nurse, theres a brace of angels to drink,
Worke what thou canst for me, farwell.
(Exit Fen.
Quic.
By my troth so I will, good hart.
Pa.
Come wife, you an I will in, weele leaue M. Sl&ebar;der
And my daughter to talke together. M. Shallow,
You may stay sir if you please.
Exit Page and his wife.
Shal.
Mary I thanke you for that:
To her cousin, to her.
Slen.
Ifaith I know not what to say.
An.
Now M. Slender, whats your will?
Slen.
Godeso theres a Iest indeed: why misteris An,
I neuer made wil yet: I th&abar;k God I am wise inough for that.
Shal.
Fie cusse fie, thou art not right,
O thou hadst a father.
Slen.
I had a father misteris Anne, good vncle
Tell the Iest how my father stole the goose out of
The henloft. All this is nought, harke you mistresse
-- --
Shal.
He will make you ioynter of three hundred
pound a yeare, he shall make you a Gentlewoman.
Slend.
I be God that I vill, come cut and long
taile, as good as any is in Glostershire, vnder the degree
of a Squire.
An.
O God how many grosse faults are hid,
And couered in three hundred pound a yeare?
Well M. Slender, within a day or two Ile tell you
more.
Slend.
I thanke you good misteris Anne, vncle I
shall haue her.
Quic.
M. Shallow, M. Page would pray you to
come you, and you M. Slender, and you mistris An.
Slend.
Well Nurse, if youle speake for me,
Ile giue you more then Ile talke of.
Exit omnes but Quickly.
Quic.
Indeed I will, Ile speake what I can for you,
But specially for M. Fenton:
But specially of all for my Maister.
And indeed I will do what I can for them all three.
Exit.
Enter misteris Ford and her two men.
Mis. For.
Do you heare? when your M. comes
take vp this basket as you did before, and if your M.
bid you set it downe, obey him.
Ser.
I will forsooth.
Enter Syr Iohn.
Mis. For.
Syr Iohn welcome.
Fal.
What are you sure of your husband now?
Mis. For.
He is gone a birding sir Iohn, and I hope
will not come home yet.
-- --
Enter mistresse Page.
Gods body here is misteris Page,
Step behind the arras good sir Iohn.
He steps behind the arras.
Mis. Pa.
Misteris Ford, why woman your husband
is in his old vaine againe, hees comming to search
for your sweet heart, but I am glad he is not here.
Mis. For.
O God misteris Page the knight is here,
What shall I do?
Mis. Pa.
Why then you'r vndone woman, vnles
you make some meanes to shift him away.
Mis. For.
Alas I know no meanes, vnlesse
we put him in the basket againe.
Fal.
No Ile come no more in the basket,
Ile creep vp into the chimney.
Mis For.
There they vse to discharge their Fowling peeces.
Fal.
Why then Ile goe out of doores.
Mi. Pa.
Then your vndone, your but a dead man.
Fal.
For Gods sake deuise any extremitie,
Rather then a mischiefe.
Mis. Pa.
Alas I know not what meanes to make,
If there were any womans apparell would fit him,
He might put on a gowne and a mufler,
And so escape.
Mi. For.
Thats wel remembred, my maids Aunt
Gillian of Brainford, hath a gowne aboue.
Mis. Pa.
And she is altogether as fat as he.
Mis. For.
I that will serue him of my word.
Mis. Pa.
Come goe with me sir Iohn, Ile helpe to dresse you.
Fal.
Come for God sake, any thing.
Exit Mis. Page, & Sir Iohn.
-- --
Enter M. Ford, Page, Priest, Shallow, the two men carries the basket, and Ford meets it.
For.
Come along I pray, you shal know the cause,
How now whither goe you? Ha whither go you?
Set downe the basket you ssaue,
You panderly rogue set it downe.
Mis. For.
What is the reason that you vse me thus?
For.
Come hither set downe the basket,
Misteris Ford the modest woman,
Misteris Ford the vertuous woman,
She that hath the iealous foole to her husband,
I mistrust you without cause do I not?
Mis. For.
I Gods my record do you. And if
you mistrust me in any ill sort.
Ford.
Well sed brazen face, hold it out,
You youth in a basket, come out here,
Pull out the cloathes, search.
Hu.
Ieshu plesse me, will you pull vp your wiues cloathes?
Pa.
Fie M. Ford you are not to go abroad if you
be in these fits.
Sir Hu.
By so kad vdge me, tis verie necessarie
He were put in pethlem.
For.
M. Page, as I am an honest man M. Page,
There was one conueyd out of my house here yesterday
out of this basket, why may he not be here
now?
Mi. For.
Come mistris Page, bring the old wom&abar; downe.
For.
Old woman, what old woman?
Mi. For.
Why my maidens Ant, Gilli&abar; of Brainford.
A witch, haue I not forewarned her my house,
Alas we are simple we, we know not what
-- --
Is brought to passe vnder the colour of fortune-
Telling Come downe you witch, come downe.
Enter Falstaffe disguised like an old woman, and misteris
Page with him, Ford beates him, and hee runnes away.
Away you witch get you gone.
Sir Hu.
By Ieshu I verily thinke she is a witch indeed,
I espied vnder her mufler a great beard.
Ford.
Pray come helpe me to search, pray now.
Pa.
Come weele go for his minds sake.
Exit omnes.
Mis. For.
By my troth he beat him most extreamly.
Mis. Pa.
I am glad of it, what shall we proceed any
further?
Mi. For.
No faith, now if you will let vs tell our
husbands of it. For mine I am sure hath almost fretted
himselfe to death.
Mis. Pa.
Content, come weele goe tell them all,
And as they agree, so will we proceed.
Exit both.
Enter Host and Bardolfe.
Bar.
Syr heere be three Gentlemen come from
the Duke the Stanger sir, would haue your horse.
Host.
The Duke, what Duke? let me speake with
the Gentlemen, do they speake English?
Bar.
Ile call them to you sir.
Host.
No Bardolfe, let them alone, Ile sauce them:
They haue had my house a weeke at command,
I haue turned away my other guesse,
They shall haue my horses Bardolfe,
They must come off, Ile sawce them.
Exit omnes.
Enter Ford, Page, their wiues, Shallow, and Slender. Syr Hu.
-- --
Ford.
Well wife, heere take my hand, vpon my
soule I loue thee dearer then I do my life, and ioy I
hnue so true and constant wife, my iealousie shall
neuer more offend thee.
Mi. For.
Sir I am glad, & that which I haue done,
Was nothing else but mirth and modestie.
Pa.
I misteris Ford, Falstaffe hath all the griefe,
And in this knauerie my wife was the chiefe.
Mi. Pa.
No knauery husband, it was honest mirth.
Hu.
Indeed it was good pastimes & merriments.
Mis. For.
But sweete heart shall wee leaue olde Falstaffe so?
Mis. Pa.
O by no meanes, send to him againe.
Pa.
I do not thinke heele come being so much
deceiued.
For.
Let me alone, Ile to him once againe like
Brooke, and know his mind whether heele come
or not.
Pa.
There must be some plot laide, or heele not come.
Mis. Pa.
Let vs alone for that. Heare my deuice.
Oft haue you heard since Horne the hunter dyed,
That women to affright their litle children,
Ses that he walkes in shape of a great stagge.
Now for that Falstaffe hath bene so deceiued,
As that he dares not venture to the house,
Weele send him word to meet vs in the field,
Disguised like Horne, with huge horns on his head,
The houre shalbe iust betweene twelue and one,
And at that time we will meet him both:
Then would I haue you present there at hand,
With litle boyes disguised and dressed like Fayries,
For to affright fat Falstaffe in the woods.
-- --
And then to make a period to the Iest,
Tell Falstaffe all, I thinke this will do best.
Pa.
Tis excellent, and my daughter Anne,
Shall like a litle Fayrie be disguised.
Mis. Pa.
And in that Maske Ile make the Doctor
steale my daughter An, & ere my husband knowes
it, to carrie her to Church, and marrie her.
Mis. For.
But who will buy the silkes to tyre the boyes?
Pa.
That will I do, and in a robe of white
Ile cloath my daughter, and aduertise Slender
To know her by that signe, and steale her thence,
And vnknowne to my wife, shall marrie her.
Hu.
So kad vdge me the deuises is excellent.
I will also be there, and be like a Iackanapes,
And pinch him most cruelly for his lecheries.
Mis. Pa.
Why then we are reuenged sufficiently.
First he was carried and throwne in the Thames,
Next beaten well, I am sure youle witnes that.
Mi. For.
Ile lay my life this makes him nothing fat.
Pa.
Well lets about this stratagem, I long
To see deceit deceiued, and wrong haue wrong.
For,
Well send to Falstaffe, and if he come thither,
Twill make vs smile and laugh one moneth togither.
Exit omnes.
Enter Host and Simple.
Host.
What would thou haue boore, what thick-skin?
Speake, breath, discus, short, quick, briefe, snap.
Sim.
Sir, I am sent fr&obar; my M. to sir Iohn Falstaffe.
Host.
Sir Iohn, theres his Castle, his standing bed,
his trundle bed, his chamber is painted about with
the story of the prodigall, fresh and new, go knock,
heele speak like an Antripophiginian to thee:
-- --
Knock I say.
Sim.
Sir I should speak with an old woman that
went vp into his chamber.
Host.
An old woman, the knight may be robbed,
Ile call bully knight, bully sir Iohn. Speake from thy
Lungs military: it is thine host, thy Ephesian calls.
Fal.
Now mine Host.
Host:
Here is a Bohemian tarter bully, tarries the
comming downe of the fat woman: Let her desc&ebar;d
bully, let her descend, my chambers are honorable,
pah priuasie, fie.
Fal.
Indeed mine host there was afat woman with me,
But she is gone.
Enter Sir Iohn.
Sim.
Pray sir was it not the wise woman of Brainford?
Fal.
Marry was it Musselshell, what would you?
Sim.
Marry sir my maister Slender sent me to her,
To know whether one Nim that hath his chaine,
Cousoned him of it, or no.
Fal.
I talked with the woman about it.
Sim.
And I pray sir what ses she?
Fal.
Marry she ses the very same man that
Beguiled maister Slender of his chaine,
Cousoned him of it.
Sim.
May I be bolde to tell my maister so sir?
Fal.
I tike, who more bolde.
Sim.
I thanke you sir, I shall make my maister a
glad man at these tydings, God be with you sir.
Host.
Thou art clarkly sir Iohn, thou art clarkly,
Was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal.
Marry was there mine host, one that taught
-- --
Me more with then I learned this 7. yeare,
And I paid nothing for it,
But was paid for my learning.
Enter Bardolfe.
Bar.
O Lord sir cousonage, plaine cousonage.
Host.
Why man, where be my horses? where be
the Germanes?
Bar.
Rid away with your horses:
After I came beyond Maidenhead,
They flung me in a slow of myre, & away they ran.
Enter Doctor.
Doc.
Where be my Host de gartyre?
Host.
O here sir in perplexitie.
Doc.
I cannot tell vad be dad,
But begar I will tell you van ting,
Dear be a Garmaine Duke come to de Court,
Has cosened all de host of Branford,
And Redding: begar I tell you for good will,
Ha, ha, mine Host, am I euen met you?
Exit.
Enter Sir Hugh.
Sir Hu.
Where is mine Host of the gartyr?
Now my Host, I would desire you looke you now,
To haue a care of your entertainments,
For there is three sorts of cosen garmombles,
Is cosen all the Host of Maiden head & Readings,
Now you are an honest man, and a scuruy beggerly lowsie knaue beside:
And can point wrong places,
I tell you for good will, grate why mine Host.
Exit.
Host.
I am cosened Hugh, and coy Bardolfe,
Sweet knight assist me, I am cosened.
Exit.
Fal.
Would all the worell were cosened for me,
-- --
For I am cousoned and beaten too.
Well, I neuer prospered since I forswore
My selfe at Primero: and my winde
Were but long inough to say my prayers,
Ide repent, now from whence come you?
Enter Mistresse Quickly.
Quic.
From the two parties forsooth.
Fal.
The diuell take the one partie,
And his dam the other,
And theyle be both bestowed.
I haue endured more for their sakes,
Then man is able to endure.
Quic.
O Lord sir, they are the sorowfulst creatures
That euer liued: specially mistresse Ford,
Her husband hath beaten her that she is all
Blacke and blew poore soule.
Fal.
What tellest me of blacke and blew,
I haue bene beaten all the colours in the Rainbow,
And in my escape like to a bene apprehended
For a witch of Brainford, and set in the stockes.
Quic.
Well sir, she is a sorrowfull woman,
And I hope when you heare my errant,
Youle be perswaded to the contrarie.
Fal.
Come goe with me into my chamber, Ile heare thee.
Exit omnes.
Enter Host and Fenton.
Host.
Speake not to me sir, my mind is heauie,
I haue had a great losse.
Fen.
Yet heare me, and as I am a gentleman,
Ile giue you a hundred pound toward your losse.
Host.
Well sir Ile heare you, and at least keep your counsell.
Fen.
Th&ebar; thus my host. Tis not unknown to you,
-- --
The feruent loue I beare to young Anne Page,
And mutally her loue againe to mee:
But her father still against her choise,
Doth seeke to marrie her to foolish Slender,
And in a robe of white this night disguised,
Wherein fat Falstaffe had a mightie scare,
Must Slender take her and carrie her to Catlen,
And there vnknowne to any, marrie her.
Now her mother still against that match,
And firme for Doctor Cayus, in a robe of red
By her deuice, the Doctor must steale her thence,
And she hath giuen consent to goe with him.
Host.
Now which means she to deceiue, father or mother?
Fen.
Both my good Host, to go along with me.
Now here it rests, that you would procure a priest,
And tarrie readie at the appointment place,
To giue our harts vnited matrimonie.
Host.
But how will you come to steale her from among th&ebar;?
Fen.
That hath sweet Nan and I agreed vpon,
And by a robe of white, the which she weares,
With ribones pendant flaring bout her head,
I shalbe sure to know her, and conuey her thence,
And bring her where the priest abides our c&obar;ming,
And by thy furtherance there be married.
Host.
Well, husband your deuice, Ile to the Vicar,
Bring you the maide, you shall not lacke a Priest.
Fen.
So shall I euermore be bound vnto thee.
Besides Ile alwaies be thy faithfull friend.
Exit omnes.
Enter sir Iohn with a Bucks head vpon him.
Fal.
This is the third time, well Ile venter,
They say there is good luck in old numbers,
Ioue transformed himselfe into a bull,
-- --
And I am here a Stag, and I thinke the fattest
In all Windsor forrest: well I stand here
For Horne the hunter, waiting my Does comming.
Enter mistris Page, and mistris Ford.
Mis. Pa.
Sir Iohn, where are you?
Fal.
Art thou come my doe? what and thou too?
Welcome Ladies.
Mi. For.
I I sir Iohn, I see you will not faile,
Therefore you deserue far better then our loues,
But it grieues me for your late crosses.
Fal.
This makes amends for all.
Come diuide me betweene you, each a hanch,
For my horns Ile bequeath th&ebar; to your husbands,
Do I speake like Horne the hunter, ha?
Mis. Pa.
God forgiue me, what noise is this?
There is a noise of hornes, the two women run away.
Enter sir Hugh like a Satyre, and boyes drest like Fayries,
mistresse Quickly, like the Queene of Fayries: they
sing a song about him, and afterward speake.
Quic:
You Fayries that do haunt these shady groues,
Looke round about the wood if you can espie
A mortall that doth haunt our sacred round:
If such a one you can espie, giue him his due,
And leaue not till you pinch him blacke and blew:
Giue them their charge Puck ere they part away.
Sir Hu.
Come hither Peane, go to the countrie houses,
And when you finde a slut that lies a sleepe,
And all her dishes foule, and roome vnswept,
With your long nailes pinch her till she crie,
-- --
And sweare to mend her sluttish huswiferie.
Fai.
I warrant you I will performe your will.
Hu.
Where is Pead? go you & see where Brokers sleep,
And Foxe-eyed Seriants with their mase,
Goe laie the Proctors in the street,
And pinch the lowsie Seriants face:
Spare none of these when they are a bed,
But such whose nose lookes plew and red.
Quic.
Away begon, his mind fulfill,
And looke that none of you stand still.
Some do that thing, some do this,
All do something, none amis.
Hir Hu.
I smell a man of middle earth.
Fal.
God blesse me from that wealch Fairie.
Quic.
Looke euery one about this round,
And if that any here be found,
For his presumption in this place,
Spare neither legge, arme, head, nor face.
Sir Hu.
See I haue spied one by good luck,
His bodie man, his head a buck.
Fal.
God send me good fortune now, and I care not.
Quic.
Go strait, and do as I commaund,
And take a Taper in your hand,
And set it to his fingers endes,
And if you see it him offends,
And that he starteth at the flame,
Then is he mortall, know his name:
If with an F. it doth begin,
Why then be shure he is full of sin.
About it then, and know the truth,
Of this same metamorphised youth.
Sir Hu.
Giue me the Tapers, I will try
And if that he loue venery.
-- --
They put the Tapers to his fingers, and he starts.
Sir Hu.
It is right indeed, he is full of lecheries and iniquitie.
Quic.
A little distant from him stand,
And euery one take hand in hand,
And compasse him within a ring,
First pinch him well, and after sing.
Here they pinch him, and sing about him, & the Doctor
comes one way & steales away a boy in red. And
Slender another way he takes a boy in greene: And
Fenton steales misteris Anne, being in white. And
a noyse of hunting is made within: and all the Fairies
runne away. Falstaffe pulles of his bucks head,
and rises vp. And enters M. Page, M. Ford, and
their wiues, M. Shallow, Sir Hugh.
Fal.
Horne the hunter quoth you: am I a ghost?
Sblood the Fairies hath made a ghost of me:
What hunting at this time at night?
Ile lay my life the mad Prince of Wales
Is stealing his fathers Deare. How now who haue
we here, what is all Windsor stirring? Are you there?
Shal.
God saue you sir Iohn Falstaffe.
Sir Hu.
God plesse you sir Iohn, God plesse you.
Pa.
Why how now sir Iohn, what a pair of horns in your hand?
Ford.
Those hornes he ment to place vpon my head,
And M. Brooke and he should be the men:
Why how now sir Iohn, why are you thus amazed?
We know the Fairies man that pinched you so,
Your throwing in the Thames, your beating well,
-- --
And whats to come sir Iohn, that can we tell.
Mi. Pa.
Sir Iohn tis thus, your dishonest meanes
To call our credits into question,
Did make vs vndertake to our best,
To turne your leaud lust to a merry Iest.
Fal.
Iest, tis well, haue I liued to these yeares
To be gulled now, now to be ridden?
Why then these were not Fairies?
Mis. Pa.
No sir Iohn but boyes.
Fal.
By the Lord I was twice or thrise in the mind
They were not, and yet the grosnesse
Of the fopperie perswaded me they were.
Well, and the fine wits of the Court heare this,
Thayle so whip me with their keene Iests,
That thayle melt me out like tallow,
Drop by drop out of my grease. Boyes!
Sir Hu.
I trust me boyes Sir Iohn: and I was
Also a Fairie that did helpe to pinch you.
Fal.
I, tis well I am your May-pole,
You haue the start of mee,
Am I ridden too with a wealch goate?
With a peece of toasted cheese?
Sir Hu.
Butter is better then cheese sir Iohn,
You are all butter, butter.
For.
There is a further matter yet sir Iohn,
There's 20. pound you borrowed of M. Brooke Sir Iohn,
And it must be paid to M. Ford Sir Iohn.
Mi. For.
Nay husband let that go to make am&ebar;ds,
Forgiue that sum, and so weele all be friends.
For.
Well here is my hand, all's forgiuen at last.
Fal.
It hath cost me well,
I haue bene well pinched and washed.
-- --
Enter the Doctor.
Mi. Pa.
Now M. Doctor, sonne I hope you are.
Doct.
Sonne begar you be de ville voman,
Begar I tinck to marry metres An, and begar
Tis a whorson garson Iack boy.
Mis. Pa.
How a boy?
Doct.
I begar a boy.
Pa.
Nay be not angry wife, Ile tell thee true,
It was my plot to deceiue thee so:
And by this time your daughter's married
To M. Slender, and see where he comes.
Enter Slender.
Now sonne Slender,
Where's your bride?
Slen.
Bride, by Gods lyd I thinke theres neuer a
man in the worell hath that crosse fortune that I
haue: begod I could cry for verie anger.
Pa.
Why whats the matter sonne Slender?
Slen.
Sonne, nay by God I am none of your son.
Pa.
No, why so?
Slen.
Why so God saue me, tis a boy that I haue married.
Pa.
How a boy? why did you mistake the word?
Slen.
No neither, for I came to her in red as you
bad me, and I cried mum, and hee cried budget, so
well as euer you heard, and I haue married him.
Sir Hu.
Ieshu M. Slender, cannot you see but marrie boyes?
Pa.
O I am vext at hart, what shall I do?
Enter Fenton and Anne.
Mis. Pa.
Here comes the man that hath deceiued vs all:
How now daughter, where haue you bin?
An.
At Curch forsooth.
Pa.
At Church, what haue you done there?
-- --
Fen.
Married to me, nay sir neuer storme,
Tis done sir now, and cannot be vndone.
Ford:
Ifaith M. Page neuer chafe your selfe,
She hath made her choise wheras her hart was fixt,
Then tis in vaine for you to storme or fret.
Fal.
I am glad yet that your arrow hath glanced
Mi. For.
Come mistris Page, Ile be bold with you,
'Tis pitie to part loue that is so true.
Mis. Pa.
Altho that I haue missed in my intent,
Yet I am glad my husbands match was crossed,
Here M. Fenton, take her, and God giue thee ioy.
Sir Hu:
Come M. Page, you must needs agree.
Fo.
I yfaith sir come, you see your wife is wel pleased:
Pa.
I cannot tel, and yet my hart's well eased,
And yet it doth me good the Doctor missed.
Come hither Fenton, and come hither daughter,
Go too you might haue stai'd for my good will,
But since your choise is made of one you loue,
Here take her Fenton, & both happie proue.
Sir Hu.
I wil also dance & eat plums at your weddings.
Ford.
All parties pleased, now let vs in to feast,
And laugh at Slender, and the Doctors ieast.
He hath got the maiden, each of you a boy
To waite vpon you, so God giue you ioy,
And sir Iohn Falstaffe now shal you keep your word,
For Brooke this night shall lye with mistris Ford.
Exit omnes.
