Poins.

Welcome, Jack: where hast thou been?

Fal.

A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! marry, and amen! Give me a cup of sack, boy. Ere I lead this life long, I'll sew nether stocks ^note and mend them and foot them ^note too. A plague of all cowards! Give me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant?

Prince.

Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of

butter? pitiful-hearted Titan ^{note note}, that melted at the ^note sweet tale of the sun's ^{note note}! if thou didst ^note, then ^note behold that compound.

Fal.

You rogue, here's lime in this sack too: there is nothing but roguery to be found in villanous ^note man: yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it ^note. A villanous coward! Go thy ways, old Jack; die when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the face of the earth, then am I a shotten herring. There live not three good men unhanged in England; and one of them is fat, and grows old: God help the while! a bad world, I say. I would I were a weaver; I could sing psalms or any thing ^note. A plague of all cowards, I say still.

Prince.

How now, wool-sack! what mutter you?

Fal.

A king's son! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of wild-geese, I'll never wear hair on my face more. You Prince of Wales!

Prince.

Why, you whoreson round man ^note, what's the matter?

Fal.

Are not you ^note a coward? answer me to that: and Poins there?

Poins. ^note

'Zounds ^note, ye fat ^note paunch, an ^note ye call me coward, by the Lord ^note, I'll stab thee.

Fal.

I call thee coward! I'll see thee damned ere I call thee coward: but I would give a thousand pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight enough

in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back: call you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing! give me them that will face me. Give me a cup of sack: I am a rogue, if I drunk to-day.

Prince.

O villain! thy lips are scarce wiped since thou drunkest last.

Fal.

All's ^note one for that. [He drinks. ^note] A plague of all cowards, still say I.

Prince.

What's the matter?

Fal.

What's the matter! there ^note be four of us here ^note have ta'en a thousand pound this day ^note morning.

Prince.

Where is it, Jack? where is it?

Fal.

Where is it! taken from us it is: a hundred upon poor four of ^note us.

Prince.

What, a hundred, man?

Fal.

I am a rogue, if I were not at ^note half-sword with a dozen of them two hours together. I have 'scaped ^note by miracle. I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through the hose; my buckler cut through and through; my sword hacked like a hand-saw—ecce signum! I never dealt better since I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all cowards! Let them speak: if they speak more or less than truth, they are villains and the sons of darkness.

Prince. ^note

Speak, sirs; how was it?

Gads. ^note

We four set upon some ^note dozen—

Fal.

Sixteen at least, my lord.

Gads. ^note

And bound them.

Peto.

No, no, they were not bound.

Fal.

You rogue, they were bound, every man of them; or I am a Jew else, an Ebrew ^note Jew.

Gads. ^note

As we were sharing, some six or seven ^note fresh men set upon us—

Fal.

And unbound the rest, and then come ^note in the other ^note.

Prince.

What, fought you ^note with them all?

Fal.

All! I know not what you ^note call all; but if I fought not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish ^note: if there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.

Prince. ^note

Pray God ^note you have not murdered some of them.

Fal.

Nay, that's past praying for: I have peppered two of them; two I am sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou knowest my old ward ^note; here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me—

Prince.

What, four? thou saidst but two even now.

Fal.

Four, Hal; I told thee four.

Poins.

Ay, ay, he said four.

Fal.

These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at me ^note. I made me no more ado but took all their seven points ^note in my target, thus.

Prince.

Seven? why, there were but four even now.

Fal. ^note

In buckram? ^note

Poins.

Ay, four, in buckram suits.

Fal.

Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.

Prince.

Prithee, let him alone; we shall have more anon.

Fal.

Dost thou hear me, Hal?

Prince.

Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.

Fal.

Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in buckram that I told thee of—

Prince.

So, two more already.

Fal.

Their points being broken,—

Poins.

Down fell their ^note hose.

Fal.

Began to give me ground: but I followed me ^note close, came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven of the eleven I paid.

Prince.

O monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out of two!

Fal.

But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let drive at me; for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy hand.

Prince.

These lies are like their ^note father that begets them; gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated ^note fool, thou whoreson, obscene, greasy tallow-catch ^note,—

Fal.

What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth the truth?

Prince.

Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? come, tell us your reason: what sayest thou to this?

Poins.

Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.

Fal.

What, upon compulsion? 'Zounds, an I were ^note at the strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion! if reasons were as plentiful ^note as blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.

Prince.

I'll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine

coward, this bed-presser ^note, this horse-back-breaker ^note, this huge hill of flesh,—

Fal.

'Sblood ^note, you starveling, you elf-skin ^note, you dried neat's tongue, you ^note bull's pizzle, you stock-fish! O for breath to utter what is like thee! ^note you tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing-tuck,—

Prince.

Well, breathe awhile, and then to it ^note again: and when thou hast tired ^note thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but this ^note.

Poins.

Mark, Jack.

Prince.

We two saw you four set on four and ^note bound ^note them, and were masters of their wealth. Mark now, how a plain ^note tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you four; and, with a word, out-faced you from your ^note prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here ^note in the house: and, Falstaff, you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared for mercy and still run ^note and roared ^note, as ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight! What trick, what device, what starting-hole, canst thou now find out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?

Poins.

Come, let's hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?

Fal.

By the Lord ^note, I knew ye as well as he that made ye. Why, hear you ^note, my ^note masters: was it for me to kill the

heir-apparent? should I turn upon the true prince? why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules: but beware ^note instinct; the lion will not touch the true prince. Instinct is a great matter; I was now ^note a coward on instinct. I shall think the better of myself and thee during my life; I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true prince. But, by the Lord ^note, lads, I am glad you have the money. Hostess, clap ^noteto the doors: watch to-night, pray to-morrow. Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles of good ^note fellowship come to you! What, shall we be merry? shall we have a play extempore ^note?

Prince.

Content; and the argument shall be thy running away.

Fal.

Ah ^note, no more of that, Hal, an ^note thou lovest me!

Host.

O Jesu ^note, my lord the prince!

Prince.

How now, my lady the hostess! what sayest thou to me?

Host.

Marry, my lord ^note, there is a nobleman of the court at door would speak with you: he says he comes from your father.

Prince.

Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and send him back again to my mother.

Fal.

What manner of man is he?

Host.

An old man.

Fal.

What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall I give him his answer?

Prince.

Prithee, do, Jack.

Fal.

'Faith, and I'll send him packing.

Prince.

Now, sirs: by'r lady ^note, you fought fair; so did you, Peto; so did you ^note, Bardolph: you are lions too, you ^note ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true prince; no, fie!

Bard.

Faith, I ran when I saw others run.

Prince.

Faith, tell ^note me now in earnest, how came Falstaff's sword so hacked?

Peto.

Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he would swear truth out of England but he would make you believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.

Bard. ^note

Yea, and to tickle ^note our noses with spear-grass to make them bleed, and then to beslubber ^note our garments with it and swear it was the blood of true men. I did that I did not this seven year ^note before, I blushed ^note to hear his monstrous devices ^note.

Prince.

O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and wert taken with the manner ^note, and ever since thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and sword on thy side, and yet thou rannest away: what instinct hadst thou for it?

Bard.

My lord, do you see these meteors? do you behold these exhalations?

Prince.

I do.

Bard.

What think you they portend?

Prince.

Hot livers and cold purses.

Bard.

Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.

Prince.

No, if rightly taken, halter.

Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone ^note. How now,

my ^note sweet creature of bombast ^note! How long is't ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?

Fal.

My own knee! when I was about thy years, Hal, I was not an eagle's talon ^note in the waist; I could have crept into any alderman's ^note thumb-ring: a plague of sighing and grief! it blows a man up like a bladder. There's villanous news abroad: here was Sir John Bracy ^note from your father; you must to ^note the court in the morning. That ^note same mad fellow of the north, Percy, and he of Wales, that gave Amamon ^note the bastinado and made Lucifer cuckold and swore the devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh hook—what a plague call you him?

Poins.

O, ^note Glendower.

Fal.

Owen, Owen ^note, the same; and his son-in-law Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and that ^note sprightly ^note Scot of Scots, Douglas, that runs o' ^note horseback up a hill perpendicular,—

Prince.

He that rides at high speed and with his ^note pistol kills a sparrow flying.

Fal.

You have hit it.

Prince.

So did he never the sparrow.

Fal.

Well, that rascal hath ^note good mettle in him; he will not run.

Prince.

Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise him so for running!

Fal.

O' ^note horseback, ye cuckoo; but afoot ^note he will not budge a foot.

Prince.

Yes, Jack, upon instinct.

Fal.

I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more: Worcester is stolen away to-night ^note; thy father's beard is turned white with the news: you may buy land now as cheap as stinking mackerel.

Prince.

Why ^note, then, it is ^note like, if there come a hot June ^note and this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maiden-heads as they buy hob-nails, by the hundreds ^note.

Fal.

By the mass, lad, thou sayest true; it is like we shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art ^note not thou ^note horrible ^note afeard? thou being heir-apparent, could the world pick thee out three such enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? art thou not ^note horribly ^note afraid? doth not thy blood thrill at it?

Prince.

Not a whit, i' faith ^note; I lack some of thy instinct.

Fal.

Well, thou wilt be horribly ^note chid to-morrow when thou comest to thy father: if thou love ^note me, practise an answer.

Prince.

Do thou stand for my father, and examine me upon the particulars of my life.

Fal.

Shall I? content: this chair shall be my state, this dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my crown.

Prince.

Thy state is taken for a joined-stool ^note, thy golden sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich crown for a pitiful bald crown!

Fal. ^note

Well, an ^note the fire of grace be not quite out of thee, now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack to make my ^note eyes look red, that it may be thought I have

wept; for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in King Cambyses' vein.

Prince.

Well, here is my leg ^note.

Fal.

And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.

Host.

O Jesu ^note, this is excellent sport, i' faith!

Fal.
Weep not, sweet queen; for trickling tears are vain.

Host.
O, the father, how ^note he holds his countenance!

Fal.
For God's sake, lords, convey my tristful ^note queen;
For tears do stop the flood-gates of her eyes.

Host.

O Jesu ^note, he doth it as like one of these ^note harlotry players as ever I see!

Fal.

Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain. Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompanied: for though the camomile, the more it is trodden on ^note the faster it grows, yet ^note youth, the more it is wasted the sooner it wears. That thou ^note art my son, I have partly thy mother's word, partly my own ^note opinion, but chiefly a villanous trick of thine eye and a foolish hanging of thy ^note nether lip, that doth warrant me. If then thou be son to me, here lies ^note the point; why, being son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun ^note of heaven prove a micher and eat blackberries? a question not to be asked. Shall the son of England prove a thief and take purses? a question to be asked. There is a thing, Harry, which thou hast often heard of and it is known to many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch, as ancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth the company thou keepest: for, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in drink but in tears, not in pleasure but in passion, not in words

only, but in woes also: and yet there is a virtuous man whom I have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.

Prince.

What manner of man, an ^note it like your majesty?

Fal.

A goodly ^note portly man, i' faith, and a corpulent; of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye and a most noble carriage; and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by'r lady, inclining to three score; and now I remember me, his name is Falstaff: if that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth ^note me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree ^note, then, peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in that Falstaff: him keep with ^note, the rest banish. And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me, where hast thou been this month?

Prince.

Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for me, and I'll play my father.

Fal.

Depose me? ^note if thou dost it half so gravely, so majestically, both in word and matter ^note, hang me up by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter's ^note hare.

Prince.

Well, here I am set.

Fal.

And here I stand: judge, my masters.

Prince.

Now, Harry, whence come you?

Fal.

My noble lord, from Eastcheap.

Prince.

The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

Fal.

'Sblood ^note, my lord, they are false: nay, I'll tickle ye for a young prince, i' faith ^note.

Prince.

Swearest thou, ungracious boy? henceforth ne'er look on me. Thou art violently carried away from grace: there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an old fat ^note man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why dost thou

converse with that trunk ^note of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with the pudding ^note in his belly, that reverend ^note vice, that grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft? wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous, but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?

Fal.

I would your grace would take me with you: whom means your grace?

Prince.

That villanous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff ^note, that old white-bearded Satan.

Fal.

My lord, the man I know.

Prince.

I know thou dost.

Fal.

But to say I know more harm in him than in myself, were to say more than I know. That he is old, the more ^note the pity, his white hairs do witness it; but that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God ^note help the wicked! if to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned: if to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh's lean kine are to be loved. No, my good lord; banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins: but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant, being, as he is, old Jack Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry's company, ^note banish not him thy Harry's company: banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.

Prince.

I do, I will.

Re-enter ^note Bardolph, running.

Bard.

O, my lord, my lord! the sheriff ^note with a most monstrous watch is at the door ^note.

Fal.

Out, ye ^note rogue! Play out the play: I have much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.

Host.

O Jesu ^note, my lord, my lord!—

Prince. ^note

Heigh, heigh! the devil rides upon a fiddle-stick: what's the matter?

Host.

The sheriff and all the watch are at the door: they are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?

Fal.

Dost thou ^note hear, Hal? never call a true piece of gold a counterfeit: thou art essentially mad ^note, without seeming so.

Prince.

And thou ^note a natural coward, without instinct.

Fal.

I deny your major: if you will deny the sheriff, so; if not, let him enter: if I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up! I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as another.

Prince.

Go, hide thee behind the arras: the rest walk up ^note above. Now, my masters, for a true face and good ^note conscience.

Fal.

Both which I have had: but their date is out, and therefore I'll hide me.

Prince.
Call in the sheriff. [Exeunt ^note all except the Prince and Peto. Enter ^note Sheriff and the Carrier. ^note
Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?

^note

Sher.
First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
Hath follow'd certain men unto this house.

Prince.
What men?

Sher.
One of them is well ^note known, my gracious ^note lord,
A gross fat man.

Car.
As fat as butter ^note.

Prince.
The man, I do assure you, is not here;
For I myself at this time have employ'd him.
And, sheriff, I will ^note engage my word to thee
That I will, by to-morrow dinner-time,
Send him to answer thee, or any man,
For any thing he shall be charged withal:
And so let me entreat you leave the house.

Sher.
I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
Have in this robbery lost three hundred ^note marks.

Prince.
It may be so: if he have robb'd these men,
He shall be answerable; and so farewell.

Sher.
Good night, my noble lord.

Prince.
I think it is good morrow, is it not?

Sher.
Indeed, my lord, I think it be ^note two o'clock. [Exeunt ^note Sheriff and Carrier.

Prince.

This oily rascal is known as well as Paul's. Go, call him forth.

Peto. ^note

Falstaff!—Fast asleep behind the arras, and snorting like a horse.

Prince.

Hark, how hard he fetches ^note breath. Search his pockets. [He searcheth his pockets ^note, and findeth certain papers.] What hast thou found?

Peto. ^note

Nothing but papers, my lord.

Prince.

Let's see what they be ^note: read them.

Peto. ^note [reads ^note]
Item, A capon, 2s. 2d. Item, Sauce, 4d. Item, Sack, two gallons, 5s. 8d. Item, Anchovies ^note and sack after supper, 2s. 6d. Item, Bread, ob. ^note

Prince.

O monstrous! but one half-pennyworth of bread to this intolerable deal of sack! What there is else, keep close; we'll read it at more advantage: there let him sleep till day. I'll to the court in the morning. We must all to the wars, and thy place shall be honourable. I'll procure this fat rogue a charge of foot; and I know his death will be a march ^note of twelve-score. The money shall be paid back again with advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning; and so, good morrow, Peto ^note.

Peto. ^note

Good morrow, good my lord.