p085-148 LETTER XIX.

The President's Plan for managing the Bank and the
Country—Hunt for lost Spectacles—How and where
they were found.

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I Have always been tellin the Gineral, as
you know, that of all troubles there was none
so tuff to git round as money troubles, and
when such matters git in a snarl it was worse
than tryin to straiten a melitia line arter dinner.
I was always afraid that we was gittin
too many folks to handle the money, and to
be figerin at the 'counts. Ever since I was a
boy I always had a notion that the fewer
hands in countin the better, and the less you
handle money the better, for the more you
handle it, somehow, the less it grows. And
then agin I tell'd the Gineral, over and over
agin, `Don't meddle with the Bank,' says I;
`the money is safe enuff there, and one pocket,'
says I, `Gineral, is better than twenty.' But
you know when I was in New-York with Zekel
Bigelow tryin to find out the cause of

[figure description] Page 122.[end figure description]

money bein scarce, and when Zekel broke
his watch showin me how the United States
Bank worked among other banks, the folks
somehow got round the Gineral, and the deposits
was removed.

I have been lookin out for trouble ever
since, though I was bound to stick to the Gineral,
right or wrong, as I telled him I would.

Tother day, when we came to that part of
the message where we have to speak of mony
matters, we sent for Mr. Taney, our new Secretary
of the Treasury, to bring in his accounts.
He warn't quite ready, for he ain't
as quick at siferin yet as he will be to rights;
so we waited for him a spell, and left a place
here and there in the message, jest big enuff
to put in figers: and so last night the Gineral
sent agin, and said he must have the 'counts,
`ready or not ready,' and up they came, sure
enuff, and not more than half-cooked; but the
Gineral won't wait for nothin when he's in a
hurry. `Now,' says he, `Major, turn to and
see how they stand with last year.” And so
at it I went, comparin all the amounts of outlays,
the Gineral all the while smokin and
thinkin pretty hard, with his feet up on the
mantle. I figered up the sums pretty quick,

[figure description] Page 123.[end figure description]

considerin there was a good many on 'em
called estimates; and when I got to the eend
on't, `Now,' says I, `Gineral, you know I tell'd
you that we could git up and put down nullification
in no time—we could turn out a cabinet
and appint other folks—we could send
ministers abroad, and let 'em come home as
soon as they pleased, and send other folks in
their places, and give all full pay too—we
could nock the United States Bank and Squire
Biddle all into splinters—we could let our
folks go on the Ingin lands in one place and
drive them off in other places, and git up an
Ingin War—and appint new officers here
and there—and have new auditers to settle
'counts—and let things go on in the Post
Office and Land Office pretty much to suit the
folks there—and instead of havin one Bank
for our mony, scatter it about among the
banks of our friends. All this we could do,
and have done, and have taken the responsibility
too, and the folks like us the better for
it; but,' says I, `when they come to see what
it all costs there'll be trouble, now I tell you,'
says I.

`Why, Major,' says the Gineral, `what's the
matter? ain't `the Goverment' economical?'

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says he: `do you expect to make reforms
without costin somethin? Can you clear up
swamps, and cut ditches, and remove old
stumps without expense?' `Yes,' says I,
`Gineral, that's all true. But, plague on't,'
says I, `it's ben goin on so now nigh upon 5
years; and,' says I, `it keeps costin more and
more, and we are nearer bein swamp'd and
stump'd than ever—here,' says I, `now jest
look and see what `the Government' costs
now, and what it cost when Mr. Adams was
President; and that ain't the worst on't,' says
I, `our money is here, there, and everywhere;
and I don't see how we shall find it when when we
want it.'

As soon as I mention'd the amount of the
sums I had figered up, the Gineral jumps up,
and he did stomp about a spell, I tell you—
he smash'd down his pipe, and it flew into
more than forty pieces—says he, `Major, ain't
you mistaken?' `No,' says I, `thare's no mistake
about me, Gineral.' `Let me see them
accounts,' says he; and he begun to feel for
his spectacles, first in one pocket, and then in
another—for he had no less than 7 pockets
besides his watch fob—and he couldn't find
his spectacles—says he, `Major, have you seen

[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]

[figure description] Illustration.[end figure description]

[figure description] Page 125.[end figure description]

my spectacles?' `No,' says I, `Gineral, I hain't—
where do you keep 'em?' says I—`Why,'
says he, `I used always to keep 'em in this
side breast-pocket, but I have been so pester'd
lately, I must have chang'd pockets'—`That's
bad,' says I, `Gineral, especially,' says I,
`when one wants any thing in a hurry.
Now,' says I, `I only keep one pocket; and I
got that notion,' says I, `from Squire Biddle,
for he keeps eny most every thing in one
pocket, and he can tell in a minit pretty much
all about eny thing.'

The Gineral kept all the while feelin and
turnin his pockets inside out, but no spectacles.
Says he, `Major, I reckon them 'ere
spectacles are somewhere in one of these
pockets, and I'll find'em,' says he, `if I have to
take my shirt off;' and at it he went, and he
off coat and jacket, and I don't know what all,
and I all the while shakin 'em to find the
spectacles—by-and-by I see a hole in his pantaloons-pocket;
`I'm on track now,' says I,
`Gineral; here's a hole:' and,sure enuff, when
he came to take off his boots, there was his
best gold-rim specs, and all broke to flinders—
and if we hadn't been lookin for 'em, and if I
hadn't seen that'ere hole, you never would say

[figure description] Page 126.[end figure description]

they ever had been specs, for they were all
jam'd to nothin.

There was a curious notion then jest come
into my head, and I stood stock still, holdin
the Gineral's pantaloons in one hand and his
right boot upside down in tother, and there
lay the specs on the floor (or what there was
left on 'em); and the Gineral stood lookin at
me with eny most nothin on him, and the
Message and the Treasury 'counts and my
slate lay on the table—there warn't a word
said for more than 10 minits—an awful time
to stand so.

So to rights the Gineral he spoke, and says
he, `Major, what are you thinkin on?' `Why,'
says I, `Gineral, I was thinkin,' says I, `if you
had kept your spectacles in your side breast-pocket,
they would be on your nose now; but,'
says I, `that ain't the worst on't, I'm afeard,'
says I, `Gineral, we've got too many pockets
for our money, and when we want it we shall
all have to come to our shirts and boots before
we find it.'

The Gineral got as hornety as all nature at
this; and says he, `Major, I wish now you
was only Calhoun, or Biddle, or Clay, or
M'Duffy, or Don Pedro, or Black Hawk, or

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any one but Major Downing—for I feel as if I
should like to give some one a thrashing.'
`Why,' says I, `Gineral, you ain't mad nor
nothin, be you? for I am too,' says I; `and
ev'ry time I look at the 'counts,' says I, `I feel
as if I would like to git hold of some one, and
thrash 'em too,'—and so we stomped about a
spell, cussin and discussin most things, till we
got cool agin—but it was a considerable of a
storm, I tell you.

p085-157 LETTER XX.

Account of the important difference between common
`Specs' and Magical Glasses; showing by plain
matters of fact, how much more difficult it is to see
through the latter than it is the former.

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The last letter I writ you tell'd you about
the hunt we had arter the Gineral's specs,
and when we found 'em they was all stomp'd
to bits in his boot. The Gineral and all on us
have been in trouble ever since about it, for
they was given to him by Mr. Van Buren
the very day Mr. Van Buren came to jine him
at Washington as Secretary of State, and he
tell'd the Gineral never to let nobody handle
them are specs but himself, and that when
they got out of order, never to let nobody
mend'em but himself. And, do you know, so
particular was the Gineral, that when Mr.
Van Buren was absent, I have known him to
send them specs clean to England for Mr.
Van Buren to fix 'em for h m; for they had a

[figure description] Page 129.[end figure description]

dozen little screws and springs to 'em, that
sometimes would get out of order, and when
that was the case, you couldn't see no more
threw 'em than you could threw Mr. Van
Buren himself. As soon then as we found
'em all broke to bits, as I tell'd you in my last
letter, the Gineral was in the greatest trouble
I ever see; and he wrote right off to Mr. Van
Buren about it, and sent the letter by express
clear to Albany, where Mr. Van Buren was;
and until that express got back agin, the Gineral
could do nothing with business. He was
as bad off as an owl in the sunshine. So
to rights the express got back, and brought
a letter from Mr. Van Buren, and a new pair
of specs—jest like the old ones (afore they
was broken)—there wan't a might of difference.

He put 'em on, and he looked as natural
agin in 'em as ever. `Aha!' says he, `Major,
these are the specs, after all. Tis strange,' says
he, `I can't see things with Governor Cass's
specs, nor Governor Woodberry's, nor anybody's,
as well as I can with these, for they
are jest like the pair I broke;'—and then he
read Mr. Van Buren's letter. `See here now,
Major,' says the Gineral, `how kind it is in

[figure description] Page 130.[end figure description]

Mr. Van Buren to caution me, agin and agin,
not to touch the screws; and do you know,'
says the Gineral, `that ever since I have had
Mr. Van Buren with me, that whenever we
come to read over any long statement about
politics, and who to appint, or what to do with
the Bank, or any thing that required sharp
looking into, he would always first examine
my specs, and take 'em off to the window, or
to a corner with a light, and see that all was
right, and try 'em himself, and then bring 'em
back to me; for, as he says (and he is a knowin
crittur) that unless I can see well into every
thing, I best see nothin.'

A kinder notion than jest began to git in
my head that I couldn't scratch out all I could
do. And says I, `Gineral, I would like now
peskily to examine them specs; for if Mr.
Van Buren has not got a patent for 'em (and
seein he is Vice-President, and don't need one),
I think of gitting one myself.' `Well,' says
the Gineral, `I never like to refuse you nothin;
but Mr. Van Buren made me promise never
to let nobody examine into 'em, and especially
you; for,' says he, `Major, do you know that
Mr. Van Buren has a notion you know a good
deal about contrivances, and that it is the

[figure description] Page 131.[end figure description]

natur of your people Down East: and it might
be he intends to git a patent himself for these
very specs; and if so, he ought to have it, for
he says they are jest as much his invention as
your letters are yourn.' `Well,' says I, `its
no matter.' But I got a kink in me to examin
them are specs; and I couldn't sleep, nor
eat, nor drink, till I got hold on 'em. So one
night, when I and the Gineral had ben readin
over the Message, and it was all finished and
complete, he put his name to it; `And now,'
says he, `Major, do you attend to the printin
on't, and git about 100 copies on't to send to
our folks who are distant, so they can git it as
soon and a little afore the opposition folks can
send it express, after it is delivered to Congress;
' and so he went to bed, for he was eny
most beat out. `Now,' thinks I, `for a try at
them specs'—for I was all the while thinkin on
'em; and the public work couldn't go on without'em.
And so I snook'd' em out, and clapp'd
them on—the Gineral all the while snorin like
a north-wester.

As soon as I took up the Message, and look'd
at it, I couldn't make head nor tail on't. It
seem'd to me jest, for all the world like one of
them show-boxes—all the letters and figers was

[figure description] Page 132.[end figure description]

goin round and round, and look'd all the while
like some of them crouds we see last summer
on the grand tower, throwin up hats, and cryin
huzza for the Gineral and Major Downing, and
Mr. Van Buren; and then, agin, there was a
great glare, and it seem'd jest as if the Gineral
was in the middle on't, and Mr. Van Buren,
and Major Barry, and Amos Kindle, and a raft
more of our folks, all seem'd to be standing
round, firing off rockets; they would squirt
up over the Gineral, and burst, and then
shower down stars (jest as folks tell on tother
night when the stars all did git a caperin)—
and jest as they would come nigh the Gineral
those stars would git together and burst agin;
and they you could see nothin but `glory,' and
not a mite of the Gineral.

`Well,' thinks I, `if the Gineral can read the
Message with these specs, it's more than I can.'
But I stuck to it, I kept turnin over the leaves
till I got to the Treasury Accounts and the
Bank business, and the deposits, and matters
of such nature,—I had read all that over so
often before, with the Gineral, I had it all by
heart. But when I came to look at it through
them specs, it was no more like it than I am
like Mr. Van Buren. The accounts was all

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jumbled up, and then came another spell of
`glory' agin; the letters and figers all turnin
into a crowd of folks and throwin up hats:
and there was Squire Biddle standin at the
door of his Bank, and Clay, and Webster, and
Calhoun, and a crowd more of such chaps
about him, with clubs in their hands, keepin
off our folks, who all seem'd to be tryin to git
into the windows; and some had got in and
was jest comin out with bags on their backs,
and among 'em I could see the cashiers of the
new Deposit Banks, with as much as they
could stagger under, and all carryin a label
with `glory' and `huzza for Gineral Jackson,'
and then agin up went another batch of rockets!
and there was the Gineral in another
blaze of `glory;' and jest as fast as I turn'd
over the leaves, and look'd a spell, every thing
would git to caperin agin, and end in a blow
up; and I could jest git a glimps of the Gineral,
all kivered up in `glory.'

Well, thinks I, if things look so to the Gineral,
as they do to me threw these specs, I
don't wonder so much that he don't always see
'em as other folks do; and then I went to
work, lookin into the contrivance; I give one
screw a twist one way, and the glasses flew

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round like a flash; and I took up the Message
agin, and had another look, the letters and
figures would all jump about a spell, and
change sides; and when you come to read
'em, they warnt nothin like what I had written
'em; so I kept on turnin the screws, and
slippin the springs, and every time I'd try another
look, things kept all the while lookin different—
and by-and-by I got 'em so that things
look'd jest as they are; and as they look threw
most specs. `Well,' thinks I, `if this don't beat
all natur.'—And the more I look'd into the contrivance
of them are specs, the more I began to
think that they knew a thing or two in Albany.
`And now,' thinks I, `I'll leave these specs as
they now are, and let the Gineral take a look
at things as he used to, before Mr. Van Buren
gave him a pair of spectacles.' And so the
next morning, when the Gineral come into
the Cabinet-room up-chamber, the first thing
he said, says he, `Major, I'll take good care
how I put these specs in my pantaloons-pocket
agin.' And he took'em out of his side-pocket,
and begun rubbin'em; `Now,' says he,
`Major, jest let me take another look at that
Message. I want to see,' says he, `how the
Treasury 'counts and the Bank matters look

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once more, for, do you know,' say she, `Major,
I don't know much about figers, and every time
I read that over, I'd get puzzled. But I suppose
it's all right; and as soon as I git puzzled
with such matters, or any other matters, I
seem to think the people understand it if I
don't; for I can almost swear I can see 'em
jest as glad, let me do or say what I will, as
they all was on the grand tower; and that's
enuf.' So I turned over the Message to that
part the Gineral wanted to see; and he put
on his specs, and went on to readin it.

I kept my eye on him; he look'd a spell, and
blink'd, and twisted his mouth, and took off
his specs and rubb'd 'em, and look'd agin and
blink'd, and twisted his eyebrows, laid the
Message on his knees, and begun to reckon
on his fingers—for he is a master-hand at that,
and can do a sum so, nigh upon as quick as I
can with a slate—so to rights, says he, `Major,
I don't like the looks of this a bit.' `How so,'
says I? `Well,' says he, `I don't know, but it
don't look as it used to.' And with that he
lookd up over the mantel-tree piece—and
started back, and look'd agin, and twisted his
eyebrows and lips plagily; and to rights says
he, `Major, whose likeness is that in plaster?'

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`Why,' says I, `that's Mr. Van Buren, and a
good likeness too.' `Well, whose is that?'
`Why that's yourn,' says I, `and it looks for
all the world like you'—and with that he
jump'd up and took his Hickory, and with one
lick he smashed both on 'em into powder.
Jist then in come Amos Kindle with some
newspapers, and the Gineral walk'd right up
to him with his Hickory in one hand, and the
other hand holdin on his spectacles—the Gineral
blinked at him a spell, Amos bowed—
`Who are you?' says the Gineral; `what do you
want?' and jest as he was going to speak, the
Gineral fetched him a clip, and if he hadn't
been a master-hand at dodging, you'd a heard
no more on him: he streaked it for the door,
and got out in time. `Major,' says the Gineral
(taking off his specs to give 'em another
wipe), `warn't that Calhoun, or was it Duff
Green? 'twas one or tother of them slim
streaked-looking fellers, I'm sartin.' I see
there was no time to lose, and at this rate the
Gineral would smash all the lookingg-lasses,
and the Message too, and every thing else
about him, if I couldn't git them are specs
back agin, to fix the screws jest as Mr. Van
Buren had'em, so that he could see `glory' agin

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and nothin else; and so I tell'd the Gineral to
let me wipe his specs: and as soon as I got
'em, I screw'd 'em back to the old place, and
ever since that, things go on smooth agin. I
don't like to show the Gineral the nature of
this contrivance yet of Mr. Van Buren's, but
when Congress gets agoin, we shall have high
times, and when the good time comes to let
the Gineral see things as they are, without
any `glory,' I'll jest git his spectacles, and
give them a twist back to a plain sight, and
if you don't see trouble among some of our
folks I'm mistaken. The Message now being
done, and Congress jest getting together, I
shall have more time to write to you.

I wish you'd git a `black pony' goin this
season, like the folks did last year, who print a
paper down-cellar under yourn, and if you
don't let him run so nigh Sunday as they did,
I'll send all my letters by him.

p085-167 LETTER XXI.

Plan of the President's Message to Congress—and of
a Cabinet Supper—Song for the Important Occasion—
Please not to call the Major Jack Downing.

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My last letter tell'd you about that diskovery
I made in the natur of the Gineral's specs—
and that the Message I had been to work
on for some time was jest finished—but the
very next day we had to take it all to bits,
and spring to and write eny most the hull of a
new one, for we found we had gone too much
into particulars, especially about the 'counts;
and letters from Mr. Van Buren advised us to
say as little about such matters as possible,
for Congress would only make us tell pretty
much the hull on't over agin—and the best
way was to say little at first, and trust to luck
and chance afterward. As soon as the Gineral
came to know of this, says he, `Major,
you must look out and keep in that Latin
about the Bank anyhow.' So we kept that

[figure description] Page 139.[end figure description]

in, but it was plaguy troublesome to make it
work well with the rest on't, for when you
come to make English on't, it reads that the
Gineral would have taken the Bank by the
throat right off, if he thought he could make
that Latin pill operate afore the charters expire—
and then agin he says the Bank does
wrong in bringing its business to a close so
rapidly as it is now doing. There is one thing
however that's true enuff, for seein that Judge
Marshall is a stubborn know-nothin kind of
crittur, and would have a finger in givin the
Bank that pill the Gineral speaks of in Latin,
I don't believe it would have operated afore
the charter expired, if it had 40 years more to
run—so there is more wit and cunnin in what
the Gineral says than folks think for.

There was another thing puzzled us tu a
trifle about the Bank. Last year, when we
thought it had no rale chink in it, the Gineral
thought best to take the deposits away from
it; but since I tell'd the Gineral in my Bank
Report there was more than 100 cords of the
rale grit, we had to say in the Message they
had too much.

The Post Office accounts was the next
bother; and that puzzled all on us peskily.

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But we got round that by a very lucky diskovery;
and you see by the Message there has
ben an error in keepin the 'counts in the post
office ever since Gineral Washington's time;
and every Postmaster Gineral, up to Major
Barry's time, never found it out; and it was
so curious that he took nigh upon 5 years to git
at it. But it's all clear now, for he is an amazin
sharp feller at siferin. We struck out all about
the Grand Tower, for Clay has been over the
same ground, and Mr. Van Buren thought it
was best to say nothin about it. And it warn't
thought best too to say nothin about the Nullifiers,
for some of Mr. Van Buren's friends in
Georgia, headed by Crawford, are gittin up
Nullification there, worse than Calhoun's last
winter, and it makes all the difference in the
world when you come to see that one's own
friends are doin what our enemies did afore.

As soon as we sent the Message to Congress,
we set about gittin up a supper for all
our folks who had ben to work on't, and we
had a grand time; all our Majors was there.
The Gineral was so beat out, he didn't stay
long; but some on 'em kept it up till nigh
daylight.

We had some rale good songs too; and one

[figure description] Page 141.[end figure description]

of our Majors is a plaguy sharp singer. I got
a copy of one on 'em; but I hain't got time
now to send you the hull on't: so I'll jest give
you 3 varses only.

I wish you would tell folks to stop callin
me Jack Downing—'twas well enuff when I
warn't quite as much up in the world as I now
be; and it was jest so with Mr. Van Buren—
folks would keep callin him `Mat:' but it
warn't right, and it ain't good manners nuther.
And there is another thing I don't like; but I

[figure description] Page 142.[end figure description]

don't care so much about it (for I ain't asham'd
of any letter I ever did write), and that is
printin in a book all the Letters I first rit, and
mixin up other Letters and Sam Patch, and
callin some of my Letters to you counterfits.
As soon as I git the Gineral threw this Congress,
I'll turn to and git my Letters all together
that I writ to you, beginnin with the
Grand Tower. Major Earl is drawin my
likeness, and the Gineral's, and Mr. Van Buren's,
and the most of our folks for me. He
is a master hand at it; and Zekel Bigelow
tells me if I'll give him the copyright, he'll
new shingle our old barn for nothin. How
comes on your book about the Hartford Convention?
The Gineral wants you to send
him a copy on't as soon as it is done—he
wants to see how nigh Yankee Nullification
comes to Nullification now-a-days.

p085-172 LETTER XXII.

Character of Mr. Clay—Art of War—A pitched and
drawn Battle on the U. S. Bank— Amnesty and Overtures—
Truce—Statu quo ante bellum— A Walk—
A Button off— Tailor's Shop— The Button Scene—
The Major's Success at a new Trade— The Bank
worth a Button.

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We have got business enuf now on our
hands, I tell you; and nigh upon every day
we have a squall that brings all hands to the
helm. We have had fair wind so long, that
few on us know exactly how to steer now-a-days,
when every wind comes right in our
teeth. I hain't had my coat off since Congress
met; and the Gineral says we must
watch them fellows closely. `Keep a sharp
look out, Major,' says he, `on Clay—he is a
bold, independent fellow, and will speak out
his notions if the devil stands at the door;
and if he had the people with him,' says the
Gineral, `as I have, there is no tellin what trouble
he would give us. He would make as good

[figure description] Page 144.[end figure description]

a Gineral as ever was. But it will never do to
trust that man with power.' `Very well,'
says I, `Gineral—but, plague on't,' says I, `the
crittur somehow keeps law on his side all the
while.' `That's true enuf,' says the Gineral,
`and therefore we must keep a sharper eye
on him, and the time is come now, Major,
when we must all on us try our popularity—
for when the law is agin us, we shan't have
nothin else to stand on.—There is nothin,'
says the Gineral, `like war-times, Major—for
then, when these troublesome fellows talk
about law I'd give 'em martial law, and that
makes short work.'

Jest after breakfast yesterday, I and the
Gineral had a high time together. I had ben
expecting every day to see the Bank come out
with a reply; and I tell'd the Gineral, says I,
`Gineral, I'm afraid we'll git a stumper from
Philadelphy one of these days, that will nock
us all into kindlin-wood.' But he kept sayin
there was no fear of that. `Why,' says he,
`Major,' you forgit that we first give the
Bank a most mortal weltin 3 years ago and
left 'em no other defence than to print reports
and speeches; and that show'd they
hadn't much spunk; and we have been criplin

[figure description] Page 145.[end figure description]

on 'em ever since. And when I see they began
to stagger, I give 'em our hull battery, and
opened upon 'em in flank, front, and rear, our
sharp shooters, headed by that amazin cute
little District Attorney, open'd first on 'em.
Then come my Proclamation—and then my
Message—and then Mr. Tany's report—and
the Globe all the while throwin shells and
rockets. `Why,' says the Gineral, gittin up
and takin his Hickory, and givin it a whack on
the floor—`if the Bank stands all that racket,
Major, it's tuffer than a pepperage log. No,
no, Major,' says the Gineral, `don't you fear
that the Bank will ever say a word in reply—
it's as dead now,' says the Gineral, `as a skin'd
racoon.' And the words warn't out of his
mouth afore in came a hull bundle of letters
and newspapers, and the first thing I see
among 'em was the `Bank reply.' `Now,'
says I, `Gineral, here's trouble!—here's the
very thing,' says I, `I've been afraid on all the
while.' The Gineral laft a spell; and says
he, `Major, suppose you and I now jest take a
bout, and you'll see how easy I can nock that
reply into nothin.' `Well,' says I, `Gineral,
its a bargain.—Now,' says I, `let us sit down,
and you may take,' says I, `the Globe, or our

[figure description] Page 146.[end figure description]

District Attorney's report, or your Proclamation,
or your Message, or Mr. Tany's report—ary
one on 'em,—or,' says I, `come to think on't, you
may take'em all together,—for they are pretty
much all one—and I'll take this `Bank reply,'
and then let's see what kind of a fight it will
turn out.' `Well,' says the Gineral, `you are
a man of spunk, Major, and I like you for it:
and if I make a prisoner on you, I'll treat you
like a brave soldier.' `And so will I you,
Gineral,' says I, `and if you fall in the fight,'
says I, `Gineral, I'll bury you,' says I, `with
the honors of war;' and then we shook hands.
`Now, Major,' says the Gineral, `as I am to
begin the fight, don't you fire till I fire, and
then we'll go threw, shot by shot.' `Well,'
says I, `I want to know first, if I have a
right to fire back your shot, if they miss me,
and I can pick 'em up?' `O yes,' says the
Gineral, `that's fair in war.' `Use the enemies
shot and shells, and guns too, if you can,
Major,—that's the true art of war.' The
Gineral all the while kept fixing his papers all
in a string on one side the table. He put his
own Messages and Proclamation in the middle,
and flank'd off with our District Attorney
and Mr. Tany's reports; and then he sifted

[figure description] Page 147.[end figure description]

the Globe about, and call'd them scouts and
foragers—`There,' says he, `Major, I am now
nearly ready;' and he took off his specs,
and gin 'em a good rubbin and put 'em on
agin. `Now, Major,' says he, `take your station.
' And I went round tother side, and sat
down. `Are you ready?' says the Gineral.—
`All ready,' says I—and at it we went. The
Gineral, he open'd his fire first, as agreed; and
he fir'd away from his first Message—And
then his second—then he took the Globe, and
then the reports,—and he blaz'd away like all
wrath, for an hour; and as soon as he stop'd to
take breath—`Now,' says I, `its my time,'—and
I read the reply a spell, and answered all he said
in three minits. And I gin him a look! The
Gineral twisted his face most shockin, and
scratched his head too. But he went at it
agin as spunky as ever; for he is an amazin tuff
crittur in a fight, and hangs on like a snappin
turtle when he gits hold. He banged away
a spell agin like all natur; and jest as he took
his specs off to give 'em a rub, I gin him the
reply agin. The Gineral gin his face another
plagy hard rumple; and I sot waitin for him
to fire agin. Says he, `Major, that's a sharp
piece you are firin with there.' `It's a peeler,'

[figure description] Page 148.[end figure description]

says I, `Gineral, I tell you—but you hain't
got the best on't yet—it's jest gettin warm,
says I.

`Major,' says the Gineral, `suppose we
change batteries—let me take that reply, and
you take all these documents. I like to fight,'
says the Gineral, `when there is ten to one
agin me.' `So do I,' says I, `Gineral, and so
we'd better fight it out as we sit.'

The Gineral looked a spell at his paper
agin; and, says he, `Major, I reckon we had
better have a truce.' `Not now,' says I, `I've
got my hand in now, and want to see the
fight out.' `Well,' says the Gineral, `you see,
Major, what comes when any one attempts to
drive the executive;' and with that he got
up, and took off his specs, and put 'em in his
pocket, and put on his hat and took his Hickory,
and fetched a whack on the table,—
`Veto,' says he—`That's enuff,' says I, `Gineral.
'

`Andnow,' says the Gineral, `let's go and take
a walk'—and so we went. The Gineral didn't
say nothin for more than a mile, and I nother.
So, to rights, says he, `Major, everybody
says money is very scarce.' `That's true enuf,'
says I, `and it's not got as scarce as it will be

[figure description] Blank Page.[end figure description]

[figure description] Illustration.[end figure description]

[figure description] Page 149.[end figure description]

afore winter is over;' and then I tell'd the
Gineral the cause on't. `Well,' says the Gineral,
`I believe you are right; and if the
worst comes to the worst,' says he, `we'll
have a new Bank, and that will make money
plenty agin, wont it?' `Yes,' says I, `I suppose
so; but we can't git a new Bank, Gineral,
afore this one's time is out, and that's nigh
three years yet; and long afore that time,'
says I, `there will be trouble enuf, as this one
must all the while be collectin in its own
money; and folks will fail, and be bankrupt;
and then twenty new Banks will do them no
good.' `I don't see that,' says the Gineral. `If
we could make a new Bank now,' says I, `right
off, and let it take up the business of the old
one, it wouldn't make much odds. But the
law won't allow that, you know, Gineral.'
And jest then the Gineral got in a way he has
of twitchin with his suspender buttons behind;
and to rights he broke one off. `There,'
says he, `Major, here is this confounded button
off agin.' `Well,' says I, `that's a small
matter—here is a tailor's shop,—let's go in
and make him put it on—and so in we went.
The tailor happened to be one of our party,
and was tickled to death to see the President,

[figure description] Page 150.[end figure description]

and thought he was goin to git an office right
off, and was plagily cut down when he come
to find it was ony a button off; and so he
jumped back on his board, and sat down on
his heels agin, and said if the Gineral would
take off his pantaloons, he'd put it on in a
few minutes.—I looked at the Gineral and he
looked at me—and we both looked at the
tailor. `Why,' says the Gineral, `this is the
worst thing, Major, I ever met—I'm stump'd
completely! It will never do to risk walking
home with this button off; for if 'tother
one comes off, it's all over with me; and if I sit
here without my pantaloons till that fellow
puts on a button, I'll kitch my death of cold!
Look here, Major,' says the Gineral, `that other
button is taken all the strain, and it will come
off in less than five minutes—what is to be
done? It seems to me, Major,' said the Gineral,
`that no man is placed so often in such
real trouble as I am.'—`Yes,' says I, `Gineral,
but it's fortunate for you, you always have me
with you.' `I know it, Major,' says he, `and I
hope you will be as true a friend now as ever
you have been.'—And with that, says I to the
tailor, `Can't you fix things now, so as to git
over all this trouble?' `There is only one

[figure description] Page 151.[end figure description]

way,' says the tailor, `and that I've stated,
and another thing,' says he, `the Gineral
wants a new pair.' `You rascal,' says the
Gineral, `you can't make a better pair, and
one that fits me better, if you try a month—
these pantaloons,' said the Gineral, `are better
than a new pair; and if they only had new
buttons here they would last me to my dying
day.—It takes me weeks and months to git a
pair to sit easy. I won't have a new pair,'
says the Gineral, `that I'm determined on. I
see,' says the Gineral, `what you are after—
you want a new job.'

`Well,' says I, `Gineral, let me try'—and
with that I wax'd a thread, and got a new
button; and whilst the Gineral stood up, I sot
down behind him, and stitched on the button
in three minits—the Gineral all the while shakin
his hickory at the tailor, and tellin him
that he had no more brains in his head than
he had in his thimble.—`You are a pritty fellow
to belong to my party,' says he; `I should
have been soon in a pritty condition, if I had
taken your advice,' says the Gineral. `Let me
ever ketch you at the White House agin.' So
to rights, the tailor got mad too, and said he
didn't belong to the Gineral's party—he was

[figure description] Page 152.[end figure description]

a Tany-Kindle-Van-Buren-Jackson-man; he
knew which side his bread was butter'd; and
he looked plagey knowin too—it was jest as
much as I could do to keep the Gineral from
smashin him—so says I, `Come, Gineral, let's
be movin;' and we went home—the Gineral
all the while talkin about his escape from an
awful state that tailor was about getting him
in.—`Well,' says I, `Gineral, little things
sometimes give us a kink and a notion of bigger
ones; and now,' says I, `do you know,
Gineral, we are in a scrape now, pretty much
like that one we jest got out on.' `How so?'
says the Gineral. `Why,' says I, `the Bank,
there it is,' says I, `jest like your pantaloons,
better than new; and only wants a new button;
and some of these ere political tailors about us
here want us to sit shiverin and shakin, and
runnin the risk of gettin a rheumatiz that will
last us our lives, jest for them to get the job
of makin a new one.'

`And now,' says I, `I guess you and I had
better disappoint 'em, as we did the tailor jest
now—stitch on a new button, and things will
go smooth agin.' The Gineral didn't say a
word; but he got thinkin plagey hard, till we
got home agin, and he got his pipe, and I got

[figure description] Page 153.[end figure description]

mine, and jest as we were lighten 'em, says
he, `Major, there are some fellows about us
here that pester me most desperately—we
must all go as a `Unit,' or I must blow 'em
all up, and git a new set. We'll think of it.'
said the Gineral, and with that we cock'd our
feet on the mantle-tree, and in less than five
minutes you couldn't see no more on us than
our toes.

p085-185 LETTER XXIII.

Reason for some People's feeling easy—The Major preparing
to “do something” for the Country—A half-kitchen
Cabinet Council--The Major whittles, to
save Time and listen—A still busier Man—Sylla and
Charybdis—Business planned.

[figure description] Page 154.[end figure description]

My last letter to you tell'd you of that trouble
the Gineral got in about the buttons, and if it
hadn't bin for me he'd bin in a pretty scrape
with that tailor. The Gineral hain't forgot
that yet, and won't so long as he wears buttons.

You know I've bin tellin you along about
my fears of mony troubles—well it's bad enuff,
and is goin to be worse yet, or I know nothin.
And the Gineral is beginnin to think so too. All
our folks about us here don't feel it, for they have
all got fat offices—but I know the people feel
it who hain't got fat offices—and until they
speak up, things will go worse and worse.
Every letter I git now is full of trouble and

[figure description] Page 155.[end figure description]

distress—and I tell'd the Gineral t'other day,
says I, `Gineral, we must look into this matter,
now I tell you.' `Why,' says he, `Major,
`the Government' ain't to blame—every man
about me says it ain't his fault.' `Well,' says
I, `some one did it, I'm certin—things went
smooth enuff,' says I, `till we got dablin and
medlin in mony matters and the Bank; and
now it's all heds and pints, and when we say
it ain't our fault,' says I, `it's pretty much like
a man puttin a long pole over a fence on a
swivel—and after pullin one eend round with
a jerk, if he nocks over a dozen folks with the
other eend, says it ain't his fault—now it's
pretty much jest so with the Bank,' says I,
`and if you can't see it, all I can say is, I can.'

`Well, Major,' says the Gineral, `somethin
must be done, anyhow, for I begin to think
that politics and mony matters don't always
work together. I'll call all our folks together,'
says the Gineral, `and we'll have a full Cabinet,
and look into this matter; and do you,
Major, prepare yourself, for I'm goin to turn
over a new leaf, that I'm determined on'—and
with that he issued orders for every man to
be at the Cabinet Chamber the next day jest
after breakfast—and I went to work puttin

[figure description] Page 156.[end figure description]

down all my notions in writin, for I expected
a ruff time, and a pretty sharp set of fellers to
beat off—and thinks I, as it is the fashion
now-a-days to read papers to the Cabinet, I'll
give 'em one that will be worth readin, and I
guess it will be the last one that the Senate
will ask an official copy of in one while. It
took nigh upon all night to write it out—and
I sprung to it, for I think the time is come to
let some folks see they hain't got a green-horn
to outwit when they try me.

And so the Gineral had 'em all up in the
Cabinet Chamber yesterday; and such an
overhawlin I never see. I sat all the while
with one foot on the table, whitlin a piece of
shingle—and the Gineral was walking round
among 'em, tellin about the troubles in mony
all about the country, and askin how we are
to git out of the scrape. I kept an eye on
most all on 'em, and both ears on pretty much
the hull on 'em; and such a winzin and tangle
I never see since the day all Downingville
cum over to the Jackson side, and that was
jest arter his election. They thought I was
detarmin'd the first go off to say nothin: and
to rights I heard one chap jest behind me tell
the Gineral, `there was one Major in the

[figure description] Page 157.[end figure description]

Cabinet who made pretty much all the trouble, and
that he was writin letters that went all the while
agin the rest on 'em—and if it warn't for him
they could make the people believe jest what
they wanted—that it was his fault that the Cab
inet was obliged to shift their ground about the
Bank, and cross tracks every day. If it hadn't
bin for him the deposits would have been removed
because there warn't no `Safety Fund'
in the Bank, and the people bin contented—
and if it warn't for him the Government could
now make the people believe that Biddle was
the sole cause of there bein no money now-a-days,
' and so on. I jest stop'd whitlin a minit,
and cut my eye over my left shoulder, and the
feller dodg'd behind the Gineral in a flash, and
when I look'd round the ring I found pretty
much the hull on 'em lookin at me, and there
warn't a word said. And to rights the Gineral
he walk'd up to me, and stop'd right in
front, and look'd me strait in the face: says
he, `Major, you have hearn what is said—
and I should like to know what you have to
say in reply—no man shall leave this room,'
says the Gineral, `till this trouble is cleared up—
Major,' says the Gineral (and his lips began
to quiver, I tell you), `Major,' says he, `it

[figure description] Page 158.[end figure description]

would take a good many men to convince me
that you ain't what I have always found you—
an honest man, and a true patriot—some
folks about us have been whisperin in my ear
for a long while that you ain't what I think
you are—but, Major,' says the Gineral, `I am
a soldier, and so are you—and we are now all
face to face—no more whisperin,' says the
Gineral, and he fetched his Hickory a whack on
the floor, and look'd round the hull ring.—
`The country is in trouble,' says he, `and the
time is come for every honest man to speak
out—if there is error, let it be corrected—if
there is trick, we must expose it—and now,
Major,' says the Gineral, `do you set still—and
if any man has any thing to say agin you, let
him speak out. When they are all dun, you
can answer them;' and with that the Gineral
pull'd his own chair up to the other side of the
table, and laid his Hickory and hat down afore
him, and all our folks began to nock noses in
little groops here and there; and one on 'em,
no matter who, was as busy as a lost dog on a
trainin-day, smellin round from one to another
to find the right man to speak first; but none
on 'em seem'd to like it. The Gineral all the
while sat blinkin and lookin round at 'em all,

[figure description] Page 159.[end figure description]

and rumplin his face once and a while most
plaguily.

So, to rights, this one on 'em came forward
and bow'd, and says he, `Gineral, that `our
sufferins is intolerable' there is little doubt;
and the question is, not how we got into our
present condition, but how we can best git out
of it. I believe,' says he (turnin with a bow
to everybody, for he is an amazin polite critter),
`that is the true and only pint now for
discussin.' `Not exactly,' says I; `but no
matter.' `Well,' says he, `as regards the
Major, far be it from me to make any charge
agin him; he is decidedly the favourite of the
people, and should be the favourite of every
man in office who wishes to keep his office;
but I would say, that I wish the Major had a
higher office. I wish he was an auditor of
accounts—or a receiver of public mony—or a
minister abroad—or an Ingin agent, or any
other office in the Government; but as he is
now, there is no gittin hold of either eend of
him; we can't elevate him, which I sincerely
desire—we can't put him down, which no man
desires. There are things in all Goverments,
and in this in particular, that require cookin
up before the people should be sarved with it;

[figure description] Page 160.[end figure description]

but the Major hands the dishes over to the
people, raw and uncook'd, and lets every man
dress his own dinner: this is not right. And
then, agin, he is an enemy to party, and thinks
that politicians shouldn't meddle in mony
matters, when we all know that none of us
would now be here without party, and that
party can't hold together without office, and
that office ain't worth a fig without mony;
and so it comes to this—we've got a party,
and a good strong one; and that party must
keep all the offices and the control of all the
mony; for, without mony, the offices won't
be good for nothin—and without offices the
party will be all scattered: look at my own
state—see how things work there; and jest
so they should here. We must have the Bank;
we can't do any thing without it. This one is
good enuff if we could git Biddle and his
friends out of it—but seein we have tried that
and can't succeed, this must go down, and
then we'll have a new one after our own
fashion—unfortunately, some will suffer—because
this one must, I suppose, collect its debts
and wind up: but what is the sufferins of a
few in trade, compared to the breaking up of
a political party, now all hitched together?

[figure description] Page 161.[end figure description]

Think of all of us goin back agin to practise
law—and you, Mr. Auditor, to keepin a school—
and you, Mr. Secretary, to keepin a shop—
and you to ploughin—and you to plantin corn—
and you to diggin potatoes—and you to
printin newspapers. And you, Major,' says
he, `what would become of you?' I begun
to crawl all over, and was jest goin to say
somethin, but I thought I wouldn't till he got
through; and he reeled it off for more than
an hour pretty much in the same way about
things in gineral, and Major Downing in particular.
And as soon as he stopt, I got up,
and says I, `Has anybody got nothin more to
say?' No one said a word. Says I, `Is all
that is said put in writin? for then there will
be no mistake—no turnin corners—no dodgin
arterward.' `O, no,' says he, `there is no necessity
to put any thing in writin of this nature;
that ain't my way,' says he. `I have
always said, I don't like to git into the newspapers.
' `Well,' says I, `that's jest where
we differ—what I'm goin to say now,' says I,
`is all in my pocket in black and white—and
with the Gineral's permission,' says I, `I'll
read it to the members of the Cabinet, and
then I'll git it printed, and then all on you can

[figure description] Page 162.[end figure description]

read it, and every man shall have a copy on't,
except Clay and the rest of the Senate—for
though the law says they are part of the Goverment,
they ain't got no business with any
paper read to the Cabinet—ain't that law,'
says I, `Gineral?' The Gineral nodded his
head, and that was enuff; and says he, `Major,
do you read that paper; I know you well
enuff to know it will be an honest view of
things, and I don't care whose toes you tread
on. I have no interest in these matters further
than to do my duty—if any fellers have
misled me, I advise 'em to keep an eye on my
hickory.'

And then I took out my papers from my
pocket, and went at it; and I didn't mince
matters, I tell you. The Gineral sot restin his
elbows on the table, with his chin in both
hands, and lookin strait in my face the hull
time, ony once in a while he would take his
hickory and whack it on the table when any
one muttered and whispered; and as soon as
I got to the eend on't, then come a buz and a
mixin, and the Gineral got up and fetched
another whack on the table with his hickory,
enuff to loosen one's eye-teeth.

`Now,' says the Gineral, `I've hearn both

[figure description] Page 163.[end figure description]

sides, and the people will shortly hear it too.
If they say the Major is right, I won't oppose
them any longer; if they say the Major is
wrong, then we'll go on as we now go: and
now,' says he, `Major, git that paper printed;
and the only favour I ask of you is, not to
send an official copy on't to the Senate, if they
ask one:' and with that I and the Gineral
bowed off the Cabinet, and the Majors, and
the rest of the Goverment; and we turned to
readin letters from all quarters, all full of
mony troubles and distress, enuff to give one
the colera morbus; for, as I said afore, one is
jest about as bad as t'other.

I'll send you, to-morrow or next day, the
paper I read to the Cabinet, and the rest of the
Goverment, for you to print. It's too long for
this letter, and you can ask Zekel Bigelow, if
he hain't stop'd payment, to pay you for the expense
of printin on't, and tell him for me if
his head is above water, it's more than can be
said of most folks—and he'd better hold on all
he's got, and ride out the storm if he can.
His last letters to me say things are shockin
bad in Wall-street, but the worst there ain't as
bad as things are away West and South; and
they will be worse yet, if the people don't

[figure description] Page 164.[end figure description]

decide pretty soon, as the Gineral says, whether
I am right or wrong. For it's the people's
business now, and the Gineral is waitin for
'em.

p085-196 LETTER XXIV.

The Major's View of the State of the Country and
Money Concerns—Everybody's Concerns—History
of the U. S. Bank—A Conestoga Wagon—Its Driver
and Horses—Other Wagons—Their Men and
Beasts—Steamboats and Banks not different—
Skunks and Politicians—Patriotic Appeal, especially
addressed to Men with Wives and Children.

[figure description] Page 165.[end figure description]

[Major Downing, in his letter of December 27th, after mentioning
the fact of his having read his views on the subject of the
Bank, and the Deposites, to the Cabinet, engaged to send a copy
of the document to this paper for publication. A delay of some
days occurred before we received it. This, we understand, was
caused by a wish that the Cabinet might have an opportunity to
re-examine the case, and a hope that they might unite in opinion
on this thorny matter. Having waited some time for the accomplishment
of this important object, the Major became convinced
that the present Cabinet was far from being a `Unit,'
and considered it useless to wait any longer; and he therefore
fulfilled his undertaking by sending us the document alluded to.]

Read to the Cabinet, and Majors, Auditors, and Under-Secretaries,
and Sub-postmasters, and the rest of the Goverment,
on 26th day of December, A D. 1833—and printed for the
use of all the citizens from Downingville to New-Orleans,
along the seacoast, and up the Mississippi, and Missouri, and
so down the Lakes, and across by the Erie Canal to Albany,
and along by the middle rout over New-Jersey, Pensylvany,
and Maryland, to Washington—and away agin to all parts
of creation, and to everybody.

Gineral, and Gentlemen of the Cabinet,
and the rest on you here present, composin

[figure description] Page 166.[end figure description]

the Goverment—I speak to you as a man
standin right between you and the people—
what I am goin to say ain't calculated to make
any on you change your opinion, so much as
to make you know mine—you have pretty
much all on you had your turn, and now
comes my turn—if any thing I say has sharp
corners and scrapes the skin a little, it is because
I hain't had time to file the edges
smooth. I'll give you my notions pretty
much as you get bread from the bakers, and
leave you to slice it or chunk it as best suits
you; and every man can butter his own slice
jest to please his fancy—that ain't my business
so much as it is hisn.

We are met here, not only to fix on some
plan to get the country out of trouble, but to
see how it got into trouble—and I am goin to
say a little on both pints. When a chimbly
smokes at the rong eend, with the wind at
north-east, some folks may content themselves
with openin windows and doors to let the
smoke out; but my notion is that the safest
plan is to see into the cause on't, and correct
it, so that the chimbly will only smoke at the
right eend, let the wind blow any way.

Now there is a few things we must look

[figure description] Page 167.[end figure description]

into a leetle, and then we will know more
about 'em, and I am goin to examin—

What kind of a crittur the Bank of the
United States raly is;

Whether its natur is to do good or evil to
the country; and then wind up with

Matters and things in general.

Twenty years ago the country was in
trouble, and fill'd up with all kinds of Bank
paper—nigh upon as bad as old Continental—
and a good deal was a leetle worse. If any
body ain't old enuff to remember that time,
and wants to see what kind of mony I mean,
let him go to the Treasury, and Mr. Taney,
can show him nigh a million and a half of
dollars, not worth the cost of the paper and
ink used every year in makin a report on't:
but this is only a drop compar'd to what
would be now there of the same kind of stuff
if it hadn't ben for the Bank of the United
States. All our wise folks of that day said
we must have a Bank of the United States,
and a good big one—one strong enuff to do
the work well, and to clear out all this trash,
and so this Bank was made, and the first
thing was, as there was a very little rale
mony in the country, the Bank went and

[figure description] Page 168.[end figure description]

bo't a good jag on't in Europe, and went to
work here clearin away jest as we do our
fields in the spring.

It was a pretty dirty job to do so, I tell you,
and the Bank didn't get through with it without
scratchin, and smuttin its fingers pretty
considerable; and that warn't the worst on't
for the Bank. The Government made the
Bank agree to pay fifteen hundred thousand
dollars for the privilege of doing this work,
and made it agree to take care of the people's
mony in all parts of the country, and to pay
it here and there wherever the Government
told 'em to, and to pay all the pensions, and
to do evry thing in the money way, without
chargin any thing for it to the Government.
This was a pretty tuff bargin for the Bank—
for all it got in return was, to have the keepin
of the mony, and when the Goverment
didn't want it, the Bank might lend it out.
It took a good many years afore the Bank got
things to work smooth. It was like a whoppin
big wagon that wanted a good many
horses to drag it, and as it had a valable
freight in it, it wanted none but the best kind
of horses—rale Conestogas—and it warn't
every one who knew how to drive such a

[figure description] Page 169.[end figure description]

team. The owners of this wagon found
that out—for some of the first that they got
came plaguy nigh oversetting it. So to rights
they got Squire Biddle. I suppose they
thought that seein that the folks in Pensylvany
have the best and strongest horses, and
the biggest wagons, they ought to know best
how to guide 'em. Well, they made a pretty
good guess that time—for ever since they told
the Squire to take the lines, they hain't lost a
linch-pin or broke a strap—and there warn't
no complaints made agin him by the folks on
the road: on the contrary, all the other wagoners
liked the Squire amazinly; he was
always ready to give 'em a lift when he found
them in the mud, and whenever they got
short of provender, the Squire never refused
to turn out some of his to keep their horses
from sufferin. Every thing was goin on
better and better, and everybody said at home
and abroad there warn't such a team in all
creation. Well, about four years ago we
begun to pick a quarrel with the Squire, and
it's been goin on every year pretty much after
this fashion. The first go off, some of our
folks wanted the Squire to change some of his
leadin horses—they said the breed warn't

[figure description] Page 170.[end figure description]

right—he ought to put on the lead some
Albany trotters—that they were the best
horses on the lead he could have. The
Squire didn't like to change—he said the
horses he had knew the road as well as he
did, and they wouldn't bolt nor kick up, and
when they came to up-hill work he could depend
on 'em.

Then agin our folks wanted the Squire to
change harness—they said they had new
patent collars—and a horse could pull as
much agin with 'em as with the old-fashion'd
collars. Well, the Squire didn't like that notion
nother. So to rights they told the Squire
he must give up the lines—well, that he
wouldn't do, he said, without orders from the
owners of the team—they had appointed him,
and so long as they kept him there, he would
go along and do his duty, jest as he had done—
and it warn't right to keep stoppin him every
day on the road, and tryin to make him try
new plans.

And with that, all our folks made a regular
battle on the Squire—some took away out of
his wagon a part of the bags and boxes, and
divided it round among the drivers of other
wagons, who was mixin in the scuffle too,

[figure description] Page 171.[end figure description]

and away they crack'd off with it. Some
undertook to cut the Squire's traces; they
thought they was only leather and rope traces;
but the Squire was too deep for 'em, for his
traces was all chains kivered with leather,
and so they spil't their jack-nives. Some
went on ahead and rolled stones in the road,
and dug deep holes, and tried all they could
to make the Squire upset, and threw stones
and mud at him and his horses; but the
Squire kept on, his horses didn't flinch, and
as they had dragged the big wagon over
worse roads in their day, they went along
without accident. Well, now it turns out
that all the wagons that drove off so, with a
part of the Squire's load, are in trouble, for
the first piece of muddy road they all stuck
fast, and there they are now—one wants the
other to give him a pull and a lift; but they
say they all want liftin—the Squire has jest
come up with 'em—and now they want
him to hitch on to 'em and drag 'em all out
together; but he says that's impossible, the
most he can do is to take back the load they
took from his wagon, and then perhaps they
can git out of the mud; but it is more than
his team can do, and he won't run the risk

[figure description] Page 172.[end figure description]

of breakin his harness or injurin his horses to
drag 'em all out together. Well, now that's
jest about the condition of things, and the
longer they remain so the worse it will be—
the longer horses and wagons stand knee
and hub deep in mud, the less able they'll be
to git out on't.

And now I'll leave 'em there a spell, and
we'll take a look into the natur of the Bank,
and what it raly is; for to hear some folks
talk about it, one would think it was a most
shockin monster, and that it was pretty much
nothin else but Squire Biddle, when it is no
more the Squire than that big wagon is, not
a grain more. Look at this long list of names;
well, these are the owners of the Bank; here
we see, in the first place, the nation owns one-fifth,
and the rest is scattered round, as you
see here, among an everlastin batch of folks
all about this country, and some in forin
countries; and I am glad to see on the list
here, old widows, and old men, and trustees
of children, who hain't got no parents livin,
and all our own people, they put their money
in the stock of this Bank for safe-keepin—not
to speculate—and jest so with the innocent
foreigners, and the best on't is, they have paid

[figure description] Page 173.[end figure description]

our folks a pretty high premium for every
dollar on't. Well, these are the folks, then,
that compose the Bank. Now what way do
they want this Bank managed? The business
of the Bank is to loan mony, and is jest,
for all the world, like any rich man whose
business is to loan out his mony—is it his
interest to dabble in politics, or to let politicians
dabble with him? Not an attom on't. I
never knew one of your rale politicians who
ever could pay his debts; and they ain't the
kind of folks people like to deal with, any way,
who have got money to loan—they know
that talkin politics, and gittin things into
snarls jest to answer party purposes, ain't the
way to pay interest nor principal nother, and
politicians in a Bank are the worst folks in
the world for the owners of the Bank, for the
most on 'em hain't got money of their own to
lend, but they are plaguy ready to loan other
folks' mony to brother politicians of the same
party.

No, no, a man who has got his mony loan'd
out (and it's jest so with a Bank) wants to see
everybody busy and industrious, and mind
their business, and increase their propperty,
for then they will be able to pay interest

[figure description] Page 174.[end figure description]

and principal too; they don't like to see
things all mixed up with politics, and people
quarrellin and disputin, and when they do, they
git their mony back in their pockets agin as
soon as they can, for they know that politics
ain't profitable business.

Then it comes to this, that if the Bank is
what I have said it is (and its nothin else), it
ain't such a monster as some folks try to make
us think it is; and instead of bein a dangerous
monster, I see, and I know everybody
else must see, who don't squint at it, but looks
it strait in the face—that its natur is jest like
the natur of any man who has got property
in the country, and that is to have every
thing go on in harmony, and with industry, and
with honesty, and accordin to law—no jangles
and tangles and talkin politics in porter-houses
and bar-rooms, hurrain for this man,
and pullin down that man—that kind of
work don't clear up new lands nor plough up
old ones, it don't keep the hammer goin, and
the wheels turnin; and don't pay interest nor
principal nother.

But some on you say the Bank has too
much power, and that Squire Biddle might do
a good deal of mischief if he would. Well

[figure description] Page 175.[end figure description]

there is my old friend Capt. Elihu S. Bunker,
of the steamboat President, runnin twixt New-York
and Providence—he's got about sich another
monster—there is no tellin what a `dangerous
monopoly' of power that crittur's got in
that are boat. I was lookin into it when I came
on with him a spell ago, and he was showin me
how he managed it. If he was to fasten down
the kivers of them two mortal big copper kittles
he has got in his boat, and blow his bellesses
a spell, he would smash every thing for
more than 50 acres round—Does any body
want to know why he don't do it?—he has ben
in a steamboat as long now as the Bank's
ben goin, and hain't scalded nobody—but he
can do it in a minit if he chuses—Well, I'll
tell you why he don't—it ain't his interest,
and he don't own no more of the boat than
Squire Biddle does of the Bank—the owners of
the boat employ him to manage it, because they
know he understands his business.—He knows
if he didn't watch over their interest, they'd turn
him out—and jest so the owners of the Bank
would sarve Squire Biddle. And that ain't
all, Capt. Bunker knows, if he hurts anybody
with his boat, he'd run a chance of hurtin
himself too—he knows, too, that it is the

[figure description] Page 176.[end figure description]

interest of his owners not to have any accidents
aboard any boat—for if people get scalded in
one steamboat, they keep clear of all on 'em—
and tho' some folks think Banks ain't like
steamboats, I can tell 'em that in the main
thing they are exactly alike—for unless folks
have got confidence in 'em, and feel safe in
'em, they ain't worth ownin—but when they
all go on and meet no accidents, they are pritty
good property—and the largest, and strongest,
and cleanest, and quietest, and best-managed,
git the most business.—Now I think that's
enuf about dangerous monopolies for a spell.

Let us now see what the Bank is about,
and what we've been about.

Deacon Goodenou has been in that Bank,
as one of its directors, off and on, ever since
it was a Bank, and I have heard him say fifty
times (and he's a man to be depended on) he
never heard a word about politics in it, till about
four years ago—and it all came from our
sending every year since that time some rale
politicians to help the other twenty directors
to manage the Bank—the first go off, the
Deacon says, they thought best to keep quiet,
and make no stir about it; for it was pretty
much like findin skunks in the cellar—the

[figure description] Page 177.[end figure description]

best way was to let 'em alone, if they'd keep
there, and run the chance of their goin out,
when they found there warn't no eggs to suck—
but when they undertook to cum up-chamber,
and smell about in all the cubbords, it was
time to snub 'em—and then came trouble:
and that's jest about the way now; and the
Deacon says, and he's about right, that politicians
in a Bank are jest as bad as skunks in
the cellar—there ain't one grain of difference.

Some on you say we don't want a Bank
now: well, that may be so—but when I got up
this mornin, it was plagy chilly till I got my
coat on—now I am warm, and it may be I
don't need a coat—but I think if I take my
coat off, I'll feel chilly agin—and I am so certin
of this, I won't make a trial on't.

Some on you say, the owners of this Bank
hain't got no right to a recharter—they have
had it long enuf—and its time now to have
a new shuffle and cut: well, that ain't my notion,
and I'll tell you why—tho' this Bank
was chartered for twenty years, it had a good
right to believe we would renew its charter,
if it behaved well and did its duty—jest as a
Congressman has a right to expect his constituents
will send him to Congress agin if

[figure description] Page 178.[end figure description]

he behaves well—and its a good way to
keep folks strait, and make 'em do their duty—
but if we are to nock this Bank down, and
have a new shuffle and a new cut, then I say
that them folks who make money out of a rise
of stock in the new Bank ought to pay the loss
that all these old folks and young children will
suffer by nocking down the old Bank—to say
nothin about the innocent foreigners who put
their money in this Bank, thinkin it was safe.
And let me tell you another thing—the longer
a Bank stands, and the older it gits, the better
folks abroad and at home like it—people who
have got money to lend don't like changes—
and particularly government changes. Would
any on you like to lend folks money in South
America? and do you think any of them
Goverments could make a Bank that folks
would have any confidence in? I don't think
they could—jest because they keep choppin
and changin every year.

Will any on you say that it ain't a good thing
for a country to make folks all about think it
is a safe one to lend money to? ain't good
credit worth nothin?

Well, how does any man in trade git credit,
and make folks think him safe to trust? Will

[figure description] Page 179.[end figure description]

he break up his stand every year, and change
his business, and try new plans? I say that
ain't the way; and no man ever prospered
after that fashion; but when he finds things
go well with him, he hangs on; or else he
hain't got no wit in him.

Now, my notion is that none on us alone
can make folks all about creation think we are
safe folks to trust. But all on us together can
do so; and that is the reason a good big Bank
can manage this for us. Folks abroad know
the Bank, and the Bank know us; and so
we can manage things through the Bank better
than we can alone.

Some on you say it ain't right to pay interest
to foreigners—that when we git money
from foreigners, they keep drainin us of interest.
Well, that is all chalk and water. Now
I know we have got an everlastin new country
to clear up yet, and if an honest industrious
man can git a few hundred dollars lent
to him, he can go and buy a good many
acres, and clear it up, and sell it to these very
foreigners, who are all the while coming out
here to settle among us, and they pay fifty
times more for it than the land first cost: and
so our folks go on borrowin, and can well

[figure description] Page 180.[end figure description]

afford to pay interest, and find themselves
in a few years with money to lend too. And
as long as this business goes on, I, for one, am
willing to say to foreigners, as the Cape Cod
fisherman says to the fish, when he gits on the
hook, and is pullin him in—`So long as you
hold on one eend, I will 'tother.' But folks
abroad who have money to lend don't know
our folks who go on new land; and a good
many on old land nother. But they know our
Bank, and our Canals, and Railroads, and we
sell 'em the stock, and make 'em pay good
premiums too: and our folks can lend their
money to our farmers. But if we go on, and
nock down this Bank when its charter is out,
and bring trouble on the country, foreigners
will say, `Aha! there's trouble there!'—back
they come with their stock, and git their money,
and keep it; and all our prosperity is
nock'd in the head! We charter'd this Bank
for twenty years, and so we do Canal Companies,
and Railroad Companies; but did we
mean when the time was up, to nock 'em all
up too, and say we don't want no Bank, nor a
Canal, nor a Railroad? It ain't common
honesty to say so; and I won't shuffle and
cut with you after that fashion; for make

[figure description] Page 181.[end figure description]

what I might by a new shuffle, I would be
asham'd to look one of these innocent foreigners
in the face—to say nothin of this long
list of widows, and orphans, and trustees
of estates, and old folks: many on 'em, when
they bought the stock at a high premium, I
suppose never thought about the charter, or
how long it had to run, but trusted to the
Goverment. And now if you can chizzle
them out of their property, as you will by
puttin down this Bank, jest to git a new shuffle
and cut at a new one—without turnin as red
as a beet when you meet 'em, I for one say I
can't, and I won't.

And now I'm most done—if I have trod on
any one's toes, it ain't so much my fault as
hisen; for I tread the strait line, and tread
ony on toes that stick out beyend the line, and
that's too often the case with folks now-a-days
in office.

I've tell'd you now pretty much my notions;
and I tell you for the last time you
have made a mistake, and that's no disgrace
to any man unless he tries to stick to it after
he knows he has made it. If you don't know
how to git the country out of the scrape
you've got it in, the people will tell you pretty

[figure description] Page 182.[end figure description]

quick, or I ain't no hand at guessin. I have
now done my duty—If the people don't do
theirn it ain't my fault. If they say my notions
are right, they'll act on 'em; if they say
they are wrong, then things will go on as
they now go, and I hope they won't git worse—
but that I won't promise. If things come
to the worst, I shall suffer as little as any on
'em, for I hain't got no wife and children to
support (and I am sorry for those who have,
if things are to go as they now go), I can cut
my fodder pretty much anywhere.

But I love my country, ev'ry acre on't, and
it goes agin my grain to see any part on't
suffer. And I know all this sufferin comes
from party politics—this same party politics
that has driv all our wisest and best men out
of office; and now to keep together, wants to
git hold of the big wagon and all the money
in it.

My dander is up, and I had best stop now—
for the more I think on't, and the more I write
about it, the more wrathy I git. So no more
at present,

[figure description] Page 183.[end figure description]

[We have received a letter, which we publish with much satisfaction,
from the north part of this State, and accompanying
it, a fine specimen of domestic manufacture in the form of an
axe, as a present to our highly esteemed and invaluable friend
Major Downing. We take this mode of informing our distant
correspondents of the safe arrival of their tribute to the Major's
public worth, and conveying to them the assurance that it will
be faithfully delivered to the person for whom it is designed.
There is no such thing as calculating the extent of good which
one patriotic and intelligent individual can accomplish, when he
honestly devotes his time and talents to the advancement of the
public welfare. The important truths and the sound political
principles which Major Downing has given to his country
through the medium of this paper have been more extensively
circulated, and more generally read, than any other productions
of modern times, not even excepting the Waverley novels. We
presume the gentlemen who have acknowledged the great grat
ification they have received from the Major's letters adopted
this particular mode of expressing their feelings, in consequence
of the circumstance to which they allude, viz.—the presentation
through this office of a dozen of the same kind of article
last year to the President of the United States.—Eds.]

To Theodore Dwight, Esq., Editor of the N. Y. Daily Advertiser.

Dear Sir,—In the thriving village of Carthage
(not the Carthage of Queen Dido on the
coast of Africa)—but on the north bank of the
Black River, in the county of Jefferson, and
State of New-York, we have an Axe Factory,
manufactured from ore on the spot. Though
we cannot boast, like Messrs. Collins, Harrison
& Co., that every minute of the day adds one
to the number of our well-finished axes, still we

[figure description] Page 184.[end figure description]

really make every day our cool dozen, which, as
General Rial said of the grand scenery of the
Highlands, we think is pretty well for a new
country.' And we also think that our axes,
though not as numerous, will in point of quality
bear a comparison with theirs.

Now while these rich and skilful mechanics
present a full dozon of their axes strongly
packed in a highly-polished hickory box to the
`Greatest and Best'—while Pomeroy puffs his
razor-strops, by presenting a sample to the
great rejected, and Peleg Bissell approaches
our ineffably venerable President with his offering
of a churn, so simple, so plain, so destitute
of gearing, and so like his own beau-ideal
of a perfect government, that the `Hero of two
wars' `snickers right out,' as he turns the
crank; we too draw near with our offering.
It is a single axe, and is intended as a small
token of our regard for one who, as a statesman,
a patriot, a soldier, yields to no one.

You will of course perceive that we can
mean no other than Major Downing, of Downingville—
the bed-fellow and privy counsellor
of `him that was born to command' the
Kitchen Cabinet. And we can assure the
Major that this axe has more than one of the

[figure description] Page 185.[end figure description]

requisite qualifications for a President. Its
helve is of hickory—in Kentucky parlance,
`is as savage as a meat-axe,' and of course
`can look on blood and carnage with composure.
'

We confidently hope that the gallant Major
will accept of this trifle as a token of the high
estimation in which he is holden; and, encouraged
by applause, go on as he has begun, subtracting
every superfluous wheel from the
government till it is reduced to a machine
simple as a top, and direct and energetic as a
guillotine.

We intrust this present to you, Mr. Editor,
certain that through no other channel it would
reach the companion of the `Hero' so soon.

LETTER XXV.

[figure description] Page 186.[end figure description]

[We publish to-day Major Downing's letter acknowledging
the receipt of the Axe from Messrs. Starks & Co, which was
noticed some time since in our paper. The effect produced
upon the company in the President's Chamber, when the Major
made his appearance at the door with that implement of husbandry
upon his shoulder, shows that either his prowess is
well established at head-quarters, or that conscious guilt makes
men cowards without any real cause of fear. On any other
ground it is difficult to account for the sudden retreat from the
“presence-chamber” of their master, upon the mere appearance
of the Downingville hero, with such a peaceable and
harmless instrument in his hand as an axe.

The mistake which the President fell into respecting the
identity of the worthy principal of the Carthage manufactory in
the first place, and the Government Bank Director in the second,
is not to be wondered at. Old Gen. Starks generally made a
good deal of scampering whenever he appeared with a weapon
in his hand; and the Government Bank Director, like his renowned
name-sake of London (the Philadelphia of England)
has rode a strange tilt lately, and appears to have “lost both
hat and wig” in his career. Probably the Hero would have
been led into another more classical mistake than those just
mentioned, if Messrs. Starks & Co. had not fortunately given
in their letter a geographical caution against such an error, by
an express declaration that the Carthage where they make
axes is not the city built upon the coast of Africa by Dido, but
a modern village upon the Black River, in this State. The exact
position of it may probably be found in Spafford's Gazetteer.
If any doubt shall remain, after the foregoing explanation,
upon Dr. Jackson's mind, respecting the identity of the

p085-218 [figure description] Page 187.[end figure description]

manufacturer of axes, and the hero of Bennington, we take the liberty
to refer him for further information, on this or any other subject,
to the honourable Mr. Senator Hill, from New-Hampshire—the
State that claims the honour of having given birth to General
Starks.—Eds.]