SCENE II.The Garter inn.Enter Falstaff and Pistol.
Fal.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
Why, then the world's mine oyster2note, which I
with sword will open.—3note
I will retort the sum in
equipage.
-- 272 --
Fal.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you
should lay my countenance to pawn: I have grated
upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and
4note
your coach-fellow, Nym; or else you had look'd
through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am
damn'd in hell, for swearing to gentlemen my friends,
you were good soldiers, 5note
go.—You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue!—you
stand upon your honour!—Why, thou unconfinable
baseness, it is as much as I can do, to keep the terms
of my honour precise. I, I, I myself sometimes leaving
the fear of heaven on the left hand, and hiding
mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to
hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce
your rags9note, your cat-a-mountain looks, your
1note
under the shelter of your honour! You will not do
it, you?
Pist.
I do relent; What wouldst thou more of man?
Enter Robin.
Rob.
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Fal.
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quic.
Give your worship good-morrow.
Fol.
Good-morrow, good wife.
Quic.
Not so, an't please your worship.
Fal.
Good maid, then.
Quic.
I'll be sworn; as my mother was, the first
hour I was born.
Fal.
I do believe the swearer: What with me?
Quic.
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or
two?
Fal.
Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchsafe
thee the hearing.
Quic.
There is one mistress Ford, sir;—I pray,
come a little nearer this ways:—I myself dwell with
master doctor Caius.
Fal.
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,—
Quic.
Your worship says very true: I pray your
worship, come a little nearer this ways.
Fal.
I warrant thee, nobody hears;—mine own
people, mine own people.
-- 277 --
Quic.
Are they so? Heaven bless them, and make
them his servants!
Fal.
Well: mistress Ford;—what of her?
Quic.
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord,
lord! your worship's a wanton: Well, heaven forgive
you, and all of us, I pray!
Fal.
Mistress Ford;—come, mistress Ford,—
Quic.
Marry, this is the short and the long of it;
you have brought her into such a 3note
canaries, as 'tis
wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and
lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant
you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after
gift; smelling so sweetly, (all musk) and so rusling,
I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant
terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best, and
the fairest, that would have won any woman's heart;
and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink
of her.—I had myself twenty angels given me this
morning: but I defy all angels, (in any such sort as
they say) but in the way of honesty:—and, I warrant
you, they could never get her so much as sip on a
cup with the proudest of them all: and yet there has
been 4note
earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but,
I warrant you, all is one with her.
-- 278 --
Fal.
But what says she to me? be brief, my good
she Mercury.
Quic.
Marry, she hath receiv'd your letter; for the
which she thanks you a thousand times: and she gives
you to notify, that her husband will be absence from
his house between ten and eleven.
Fal.
Ten and eleven.
Quic.
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and
see the picture, she says, that you wot of5note;—master
Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the
sweet woman leads an ill life with him; he's a very
jealousy man; she leads a very 6note
frampold life with
him, good heart.
-- 279 --
Fal.
Ten and eleven: Woman, commend me to
her; I will not fail her.
Quic.
Why, you say well: But I have another messenger
to your worship: Mistress Page has her hearty
commendations to you too;—and let me tell you in
your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and
one (I tell you) that will not miss you morning nor
evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the
other: and she bade me tell your worship, that her
husband is seldom from home; but, she hopes, there
will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote
upon a man; surely, I think you have charms, la;
yes, in truth.
Fal.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of
my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Quic.
Blessing on your heart for't!
Fal.
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife,
and Page's wife, acquainted each other how they love
me?
Quic.
That were a jest, indeed!—they have not so
little grace, I hope:—that were a trick, indeed! But
mistress Page would desire you 7note
to send her your little
page, of all loves; her husband has a marvellous infection
to the little page: and, truly, master Page is
-- 280 --
an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better
life than she does; do what she will, say what she
will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise
when she lift, all is as she will; and, truly, she deserves
it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor,
she is one. You must send her your page; no remedy.
Fal.
Why, I will.
Quic.
Nay, but do so then: and, look you, he
may come and go between you both; and, in any case,
have a nay-word8note, that you may know one another's
mind, and the boy never need to understand any
thing; for 'tis not good that children should know
any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,
as they say, and know the world.
Fal.
Fare thee well: commend me to them both:
there's my purse; I am yet thy debtor.—Boy, go
along with this woman.—This news distracts me!
This pink is one of Cupid's carriers:—
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights;
Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! [Exit Pistol.
-- 281 --
Fal.
Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll
make more of thy old body than I have done. Will
they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expence
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I
thank thee: Let them say, 'tis grossly done, so it
be fairly done, no matter.
-- 282 --
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir John, there's one master Brook below
would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with
you; and hath sent your worship a morning's draught
of sack.
Fal.
Brook, is his name?
Bard.
Ay, sir.
Fal.
Call him in; [Exit Bardolph.] Such Brooks
are welcome to me, that o'erflow such liquor. Ah!
ha! mistress Ford and mistress Page, have I encompass'd
you? 1note
go to; via!
Re-enter Bardolph, with Ford disguis'd.
Ford.
Bless you, sir.
Fal.
And you, sir: Would you speak with me?
Ford.
I make bold, to press with so little preparation
upon you.
Fal.
You're welcome; What's your will? Give
us leave, drawer.
[Exit Bardolph.
Ford.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much;
my name is Brook.
Fal.
Good master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
Ford.
Good sir John, I sue for yours: 2notenot to
charge you; for I must let you understand, I think
myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the
-- 283 --
which hath something embolden'd me to this unseason'd
intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
ways do lie open.
Fal.
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford.
Troth, and I have a bag of money here
troubles me: if you will help me to bear it, sir John,
take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
Fal.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
porter.
Ford.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the
hearing.
Fal.
Speak, good master Brook; I shall be glad to
be your servant.
Ford.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar,—I will be brief
with you;—and you have been a man long known to
me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to
make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open
mine own imperfection: but, good sir John, as you
have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
turn another into the register of your own;
that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith3note you
yourself know, how easy it is to be such an offender.
Fal.
Very well, sir; proceed.
Ford.
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her
husband's name is Ford.
Fal.
Well sir.
Ford.
I have long lov'd her, and, I protest to you,
bestow'd much on her; follow'd her with a doting
observance; engross'd opportunities to meet her;
fee'd every slight occasion, that could but niggardly
give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
to give her, but have given largely to many, to know
what she would have given: briefly, I have pursued
her, as love hath pursued me; which hath been, on
the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have
-- 284 --
merited, either in my mind, or in my means, meed4note
,
I am sure, I have received none; unless experience
be a jewel; that I have purchas'd at an infinite rate;
and that hath taught me to say this:
Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.
Fal.
Have you receiv'd no promise of satisfaction
at her hands?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Have you importun'd her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Of what quality was your love then?
Ford.
Like a fair house, built upon another man's
ground; so that I have lost my edifice, by mistaking
the place where I erected it.
Fal.
To what purpose have you unfolded this to
me?
Ford.
When I have told you that, I have told you
all. Some say, that, though she appear honest to me,
yet, in other places, she enlargeth her mirth so far,
that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now,
sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: You are a
gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse,
of great admittance5note, authentic in your place and
person, generally allow'd6note
for your many war-like,
court-like, and learned preparations.
Fal.
O sir!
Ford.
Believe it, for you know it:—There is money;
spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have;
only give me so much of your time in exchange of it,
-- 285 --
as to lay an amiable siege9Q0130 to the honesty of this Ford's
wife: use your art of wooing, win her to consent to
you; if any man may, you may as soon as any.
Fal.
Would it apply well to the vehemence of your
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
methinks, you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
Ford.
O, understand my drift! she dwells so securely
on the excellency of her honour, that the folly
of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright
to be look'd against.9Q0131 Now, could I come to her with
any detection in my hand, my desires had 7noteinstance
and argument to commend themselves; I could drive
her then from the ward of her purity8note, her reputation,
her marriage vow, and a thousand other her defences,
which now are too too strongly embattled against me:
What say you to't, sir John?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am
a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.
Ford.
O good sir!
Fal.
Master Brook, I say you shall.
Ford.
Want no money, sir John, you shall want
none.
Fal.
Want no mistress Ford, master Brook, you
shall want none. I shall be with her (I may tell you)
by her own appointment; even as you came in to
me, her assistant, or go-between, parted from me: I
say, I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for
at that time the jealous rascally knave, her husband,
will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall
know how I speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you
know Ford, sir?
-- 286 --
Fal.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know
him not:—yet I wrong him to call him poor; they
say, the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money;
for the which, his wife seems to me well-favour'd. I
will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;
and there's my harvest-home.
Ford.
I would you knew Ford, sir; that you might
avoid him, if you saw him.
Fal.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I
will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with
my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's
horns: master Brook, thou shalt know, I will
predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lye with
his wife.—Come to me soon at night:—Ford's a knave,
9note
and I will aggravate his stile; thou, master Brook,
shalt know him for knave and cuckold:—come to me
soon at night.
[Exit.
Ford.
What a damn'd Epicurean rascal is this!—My
heart is ready to crack with impatience.—Who says,
this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to
him, the hour is fix'd, the match is made: Would any
man have thought this?—See the hell of having a
false woman! my bed shall be abus'd, my coffers ransack'd,
my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only
receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the
adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does
me this wrong. Terms! names!—Amaimon1note sounds
-- 287 --
well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are
devils' additions, the names of fiends: but cuckold!
wittol! cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a
name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his
wife, he will not be jealous: I will rather trust a
Fleming with my butter, parson Hugh the Welchman
with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua vitæ
bottle2note
, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than
my wife with herself: then she plots, then she ruminates,
then she devises; and what they think in their
hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts
but they will effect. Heaven be prais'd for my jealousy!
—3noteEleven o'clock the hour;—I will prevent
this, detect my wife, be reveng'd on Falstaff, and
laugh at Page: I will about it;—better three hours
too soon, than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold!
cuckold! cuckold!