Persons Represented.
Sir John Falstaff.Fenton.Shallow, a country justice.
Slender, cousin to Shallow.
Mr. Page, a gentleman dwelling at Windsor.
Mr. Ford, a gentleman dwelling at Windsor.
Sir Hugh Evans, a Welch parson.
Dr. Caius [Doctor Caius], a French doctor.
Host of the Garter.Bardolph.Pistol.Nym.Robin, page to Falstaff.
William Page, a boy, son to Mr. Page.
Simple, servant to Slender.
Rugby, servant to Dr. Caius.
Mrs. Page. [Mistress Page]Mrs. Ford. [Mistress Ford]Mrs. Ann Page [Mistress Anne Page], daughter to Mr. Page, in love with Fenton.
Mrs. Quickly, servant to Dr. Caius.
Servants to Page, Ford, &c.[Servant 1], [Servant 2]SCENE, Windsor; and the parts adjacent.
The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is
an old coat.
-- 222 --
Slen.
I may quarter, coz.
Shal.
You may, by marrying.
-- 223 --
Eva.
It is marring, indeed, if he quarter it.
Shal.
Not a whit.
-- 224 --
Eva.
Yes, py'r-lady; if he has a quarter of your
coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
simple conjectures: but that is all one: If sir John
Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you,
I am of the church, and will be glad to do my benevolence,
to make atonements and compromises between
you.
It is not meet the council hear of a riot;
there is no fear of Got in a riot: the council, look
you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to
hear a riot; take your vizaments in that8note
.
Shal.
Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the
sword should end it.
Eva.
It is petter that friends is the sword, and end
it: and there is also another device in my prain,
which, peradventure, prings goot discretions with
it: There is Anne Page, 9notewhich is daughter to
master George Page, which is pretty virginity.
It is that very person for all the 'orld, as just
as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of
monies, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire, upon
his death's-bed, (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!)
give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years
old: it were a goot motion, if we leave our pribbles
and prabbles, and desire a marriage between master
Abraham, and mistress Anne Page.
Slen.
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred
pounds?
Eva.
Ay, and her father is make her a petter
penny.
Slen.
I know the young gentlewoman; she has
good gifts.
Eva.
Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is
good gifts.
Shal.
Well, let us see honest master Page: Is
Falstaff there?
Eva.
Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar, as
I do despise one that is false; or, as I despise one
that is not true. The knight, sir John is there;
and, I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers.
I will peat the door [Knocks] for master Page. What,
hoa! Got pless your house here!
Enter Page.
Page.
Who's there?
-- 226 --
Eva.
Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and
justice Shallow: and here is young master Slender;
that, peradventures, shall tell you another tale, if
matters grow to your likings.
Page.
I am glad to see your worships well: I thank
you for my venison, master Shallow.
Shal.
Master Page, I am glad to see you; Much
good do it your good heart! I wish'd your venison
better; it was ill kill'd:—How doth good mistress
Page?—and I thank you always with my heart, la;
with my heart.
Page.
Sir, I thank you.
Shal.
Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
Page.
I am glad to see you, good master Slender.
Slen.
2noteHow does your fallow greyhound, sir? I
heard say, he was out-run on Cotsale.
-- 227 --
Page.
It could not be judg'd, sir.
Slen.
You'll not confess, you'll not confess.
Shal.
That he will not;—'tis your fault, 'tis your
fault:—'Tis a good dog.
Page.
A cur, sir.
Shal.
Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog; Can
there be more said? he is good, and fair.—Is sir
John Falstaff here?
Page.
Sir, he is within; and I would I could do
a good office between you.
Eva.
It is spoke as a christians ought to speak.
Shal.
He hath wrong'd me, master Page.
Page.
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
Shal.
If it be confess'd, it is not redress'd; is not
that so, master Page? He hath wrong'd me;—indeed,
he hath;—at a word, he hath;—believe me;
—Robert Shallow, Esquire, saith, he is wrong'd.
Page.
Here comes sir John.
Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol.
Fal.
Now, master Shallow; you'll complain of
me to the king?
Shal.
Knight, you have beaten my men, kill'd
my deer, 3noteand broke open my lodge.
-- 228 --
Fal.
But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter?
Shal.
Tut, a pin! this shall be answer'd.
Fal.
I will answer it strait;—I have done all this:—
That is now answer'd.
Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! that's my
humour.
Slen.
Where's Simple, my man?—can you tell,
cousin?
Evan.
Peace: I pray you! Now let us understand:
There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand:
that is—master Page, fidelicet, master Page;
and there is myself, fidelicet, myself; and the three
party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
Page.
We three, to hear it, and end it between
them.
Eva.
Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my
note-book; and we will afterwards 'ork upon the
cause, with as great discreetly as we can.
Fal.
Pistol,—
-- 230 --
Pist.
He hears with ears.
Eva.
The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this,
He hears with ear? Why, it is affectations.
Fal.
Pistol, did you pick master Slender's purse?
Slen.
Ay, by these gloves, did he, (or I would I
might never come in mine own great chamber again
else) of seven groats in mill-sixpences9note
Why, sir, for my part, I say, the gentleman
had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
Eva.
It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance
is!
Bard.
And being fap7note, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd;
and so conclusions pass'd the 8note
careires.
-- 233 --
Slen.
Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no
matter: I'll never be drunk whilst I live again, but
in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: if I
be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear
of God, and not with drunken knaves.
Eva.
So Got 'udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
Fal.
You hear all these matters deny'd, gentlemen;
you hear it.
Enter mistress Anne Page with wine; mistress Ford and mistress Page following.
Page.
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll
drink within.
[Exit Anne Page.
Slen.
O heaven! this is mistress Anne Page.
Page.
How now, mistress Ford?
Fal.
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very
well met: by your leave, good mistress.
[Kissing her.
Page.
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome:—
Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; come,
gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
[Exe. all but Shal. Slend. and Evans.
Slen.
I had rather than forty shillings, I had my
book of songs and sonnets here:—
Enter Simple.
How now, Simple; where have you been; I must
wait on myself, must I? You have not the book of
riddles about you, have you?
-- 234 --
Sim.
Book of riddles! why, did you not lend it to
Alice Shortcake 9note
upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight
afore Michaelmas?
Shal.
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you.
A word with you, coz: marry, this, coz; There is,
as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off
by sir Hugh here;—Do you understand me?
Slen.
Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it
be so, I shall do that that is reason.
Shal.
Nay, but understand me.
Slen.
So I do, sir.
Eva.
Give ear to his motions, master Slender: I
will description the matter to you, if you be capacity
of it.
Slen.
Nay, I will do, as my cousin Shallow says:
I pray you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in
his country, simple though I stand here.
Eva.
But that is not the question; the question is
concerning your marriage.
Shal.
Ay, there's the point, sir.
Eva.
Marry, is it; the very point of it; to mistress
Anne Page.
Slen.
Why, if it be so, I will marry her, upon any
reasonable demands.
Eva.
But can you affection the 'oman? let us command
to know that of your mouth, or of your lips;
for divers philosophers hold, that 1note
the lips is parcel
-- 235 --
of the mouth;—Therefore, precisely, can you carry
your good-will to the maid?
Shal.
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
Slen.
I hope, sir,—I will do, as it shall become
one that would do reason.
Eva.
Nay, Got's lords and his ladies, you must
speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards
her.
Shal.
That you must: Will you, upon good
dowry, marry her?
Slen.
I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
request, cousin, in any reason.
Shal.
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz;
what I do, is to pleasure you, coz: Can you love
the maid?
Slen.
I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if
there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven
may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we
are marry'd, and have more occasion to know one
another: 2note
I hope, upon familiarity will grow more
-- 236 --
contempt: but if you say, marry her, I will marry
her, that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
Eva.
It is a fery discretion answer; save, the faul'
is in the 'ort dissolutely: the 'ort is, according to
our meaning, resolutely;—his meaning is good.
Shal.
Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
Slen.
Ay, or else I would I might be hang'd, la.
Re-enter Anne Page.
Shal.
Here comes fair mistress Anne:—Would I
were young, for your sake, mistress Anne!
Anne.
The dinner is on the table; my father desires
your worship's company.
Shal.
I will wait on him, fair mistress Anne.
Eva.
Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at
the grace.
[Ex. Shal. and Evans.
Anne.
Will't please your worship to come in, sir?
Slen.
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am
very well.
Anne.
The dinner attends you, sir.
Slen.
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth:
—Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go, wait upon
my cousin Shallow: [Exit Simple.] A justice of peace
sometime may be beholden to his friend for a man:
—I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother
be dead: But what though? yet I live like a
poor gentleman born.
Anne.
I may not go in without your worship: they
will not sit, till you come.
Slen.
I'faith, I'll eat nothing: I thank you as
much as though I did.
Anne.
I pray you, sir, walk in.
-- 237 --
Slen.
I had rather walk here, I thank you: I
bruis'd my shin the other day with playing at sword
and dagger with a master of fence, 3note
three veneys
for a dish of stew'd prunes; and, by my troth, I
cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do
your dogs bark so? be there bears i'the town?
Anne.
I think, there are, sir; I heard them talk'd
of.
Slen.
I love the sport well; but I shall as soon
quarrel at it, as any man in England:—You are
afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not?
Anne.
Ay, indeed, sir.
Slen.
That's meat and drink to me now: I have
seen 4noteSackerson loose,9Q0115 twenty times; and have
taken him by the chain: but, I warrant you, the
women have so cry'd and shriek'd at it, 5notethat it
pass'd:—but women, indeed, cannot abide 'em;
they are very ill-favour'd rough things.
Re-enter Page.
Page.
Come, gentle master Slender, come; we
stay for you.
-- 238 --
Slen.
I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
Page.
6noteBy cock and pye, you shall not choose,
sir: come, come.
Slen.
Nay, pray you, lead the way.
Page.
Come on, sir.
Slen.
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
Anne.
Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.
Slen.
Truly, I will not go first; truly-la: I will
not do you that wrong.
Anne.
I pray you, sir.
Slen.
I'll rather be unmannerly, than troublesome:
you do yourself wrong, indeed-la.
[Exeunt.SCENE II.Enter Evans and Simple.
Eva.
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius'
house, which is the way: and there dwells one
mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his
nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry,
his washer, and his wringer.
Simp.
Well, sir.
Eva.
Nay, it is petter yet:—give her this letter;
for it is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance 7note
with
mistress Anne Page; and the letter is, to desire and
require her to solicit your master's desires to mistress
Anne Page: I pray you, be gone; I will make an
end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to
come.
[Exeunt severally.
-- 239 --
SCENE III.The Garter inn.Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, and Robin.
Fal.
Mine host of the Garter,—
Host.
What says my bully-rook8note? speak schollarly,
and wisely.
Fal.
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of
my followers.
Host.
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them
wag; trot, trot.
Fal.
I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host.
Thou 'rt an emperor, Cæsar, Keisar9note, and
Pheezar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw,
he shall tap: said I well, bully Hector?
Fal.
Do so, good mine host.
Host.
I have spoke; let him follow: 1notenote and lime, I take to be the true one. The Host
calls for an immediate specimen of Bardolph's abilities as a tapster;
and frothing beer and liming sack were tricks practised in the time
of Shakespeare. The first was done by putting soap into the bottom
of the tankard when they drew the beer; the other, by mixing
lime with the sack (i. e. sherry) to make it sparkle in the glass.
Froth and live is sense, but a little forced; and to make it so we
must suppose the Host could guess by his dexterity in frothing a
pot to make it appear fuller than it was, how he would afterwards
succeed in the world. Falstaff himself complains of limed sack.
Steevens.Let me see
thee froth, and lime: I am at a word; follow.
[Exit Host.
-- 240 --
Fal.
Bardolph, follow him; a tapster is a good
trade: An old cloak makes a new jerkin; a wither'd
servingman, a fresh tapster2note: Go; adieu.
No quips now, Pistol: Indeed, I am in the
waist two yards about: but I am now 8note
about no
waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to
make love to Ford's wife; I spy entertainment in
her; she discourses, she carves9note, she gives the leer
of invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar
stile; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to
be English'd rightly, is, I am sir John Falstaff's.
Pist.
He hath study'd her will,9Q0117 and translated her
will; out of honesty into English.
As many devils entertain; and, To her, boy,
say I.
Nym.
The humour rises; it is good: humour me
the angels.
Fal.
I have writ me here a letter to her: and here
another to Page's wife; who even now gave me good
eyes too, examin'd my parts with most judicious
3noteeyliads: sometimes the beam of her view gilded
my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
O, she did so course-o'er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention5note, that the appetite of her
eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass!
Here's another letter to her: she bears the purse
too; 6noteshe is a region in Guiana, all gold and
bounty. 7note
I will be cheater to them both, and they
shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East
and West Indies, and I will trade to them both.
Go, bear thou this letter to mistress Page; and thou
this to mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads; we will
thrive.
Pist.
Shall I sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
Nym.
I will run no base humour: here, take the
humour letter; I will keep the haviour of reputation.
Fal.
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly8note;9Q01189Q0119
to these golden shores.
[To Robin.
Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hail-stones, go;
Trudge, plod, away, o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of this age1note,
French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page. [Exit Falstaff and Boy.
the revolt of mien is dangerous:
that is my true humour.
-- 247 --
Pist.
Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second
thee; troop on.
[Exeunt.SCENE IV.Dr. Caius's house.Enter Mrs. Quickly, Simple, and John Rugby.
Quic.
What; John Rugby!—I pray thee, go to
the casement, and see if you can see my master,
master Doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i'faith,
and find any body in the house, here will be an old
abusing of God's patience, and the king's English.
Rug.
I'll go watch.
[Exit Rugby.
Quic.
Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at
night, in faith, 7noteat the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant
shall come in house withal; and, I warrant you, no
tell-tale, nor no breed-bate8note
: his worst fault is, that
-- 248 --
he is given to prayer; he is something peevish9note that
way:9Q0121 but no body but has his fault;—but let that
pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?
Sim.
Ay, for fault of a better.
Quic.
And master Slender's your master?
Sim.
Ay, forsooth.
Quic.
Does he not wear a great round beard, like
a glover's paring-knife?
: Run in here, good
young man; go into this closet. [Shuts Simple in the
closet.] He will not stay long.—What, John Rugby!
John, what, John, I say!—Go, John, go enquire
for my master; I doubt, he be not well, that he
comes not home:—and down, down, a-down-a5note, &c.
Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys;
Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet 7note
un boitierverd; a box; a green-a box; Do intend vat I speak?
a green-a box.
Quick.
Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you.
I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found
the young man, he would have been horn-mad.
[Aside.
Caius.
Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Jem'en vai àa la Cour,—la grande affaire.
-- 251 --
Quic.
Is it this, Sir.
Caius.
Ouy; mettez le au mon pocket; Depêchez,
quickly:—Vere is dat knave Rugby?
Quic.
What, John Rugby! John!
Rug.
Here, Sir.
Caius.
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack
Rugby: Come, take-a your rapier, and come after
my heel to de court.
Rug.
'Tis ready, Sir, here in the porch.
Caius.
By my trot, I tarry too long:—Od's me!
Qu'ay j'oubliè? dere is some simples in my closet,
dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
Quic.
Ah me! he'll find the young man there, and
be mad.
Caius.
O diable, diable! vat is in my closet?—Villaine,
Larron! Rugby, my rapier.
[Pulls Simple out of the closet.
Quic.
Good master, be content.
Caius.
Verefore shall I be content-a?
Quic.
The young man is an honest man.
Caius.
Vat shall de honest man do in my closet?
dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
Quic.
I beseech you, be not so flegmatic; hear
the truth of it. He came of an errand to me from
parson Hugh.
Caius.
Vell.
Sim.
Ay, forsooth, to desire her to—
Quic.
Peace, I pray you.
Caius.
Peace-a your tongue:—Speak-a your tale.
Sim.
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your
maid, to speak a good word to mistress Anne Page
for my master in the way of marriage.
Quic.
This is all, indeed-la; but I'll never put my
finger in the fire, and need not.
Caius.
Sir Hugh send-a you?—Rugby baillez me
some paper: Tarry you a little while.
Quic.
I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been thoroughly
moved, you should have heard him so loud,
-- 252 --
and so melancholy;—But notwithstanding, man, I'll
do for your master what good I can: and the very
yea and the no is, the French Doctor, my master,—I
may call him my master, look you, for I keep his
house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress
meat and drink, make the beds, and do all myself.
Sim.
'Tis a great charge, to come under one body's
hand.
Quic.
Are you avis'd o' that? you shall find it a
great charge: And to be up early, and down late;—
but notwithstanding, (to tell you in your ear; I
would have no words of it) my master himself is in
love with mistress Anne Page: but, notwithstanding
that,—I know Anne's mind,—that's neither
here nor there.
Caius.
You jack'nape; give-a dis letter to Sir
Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I vill cut his throat
in de park; and I vill teach a scurvy jack-a-nape
priest to meddle or make:—you may be gone; it
is not good you tarry here:—by gar, I will cut all
his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to
trow at his dog.
[Exit Simple.
Quic.
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
Caius.
It is no matter-a for dat:—do you not
tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself?—
by gar, I vill kill de jack priest; and I have appointed
mine host of de Jarterre to measure our weapon;
—by gar, I vill myself have Anne Page.
Quic.
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be
well: we must give folks leave to prate: What, the
goujere8note
!
Caius.
Rugby, come to the court vit me;—By
-- 253 --
gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head
out of door:—Follow my heels, Rugby.
[Ex. Caius and Rugby.
Quic.
You shall have An fools-head9Q0123 of your own.
No, I know Anne's mind for that: never a woman
in Windsor knows more of Anne's mind than I
do; nor can do more than I do with her, I thank
heaven.
Fent. [Within.]
Who's within there, ho?
Quic.
Who's there, I trow? come near the house,
I pray you.
Enter Mr. Fenton.
Fent.
How now, good woman; how dost thou?
Quic.
The better that it pleases your good worship
to ask.
Fent.
What news? how does pretty mistress Anne?
Quic.
In truth, Sir, and she is pretty, and honest,
and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell
you that by the way, I praise heaven for it.
Fent.
Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I
not lose my suit?
Quic.
Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but
notwithstanding, master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a
book, she loves you:—Have not your worship a
wart about your eye?
Fent.
Yes, marry, have I; what of that?
Quic.
Well, thereby hangs a tale;—good faith,
it is such another Nan;—but I detest, an honest
maid as ever broke bread9Q0124:—We had an hour's talk
of that wart;—I shall never laugh but in that maid's
company!—But, indeed, she is given too much to
allicholly and musing: But for you—Well—go to.
Fent.
Well, I shall see her to-day: Hold, there's
money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf:
if thou seest her before me, commend me—
Quic.
Will I? ay, faith, that we will: and I will
-- 254 --
tell your worship more of the wart, the next time we
have confidence; and of other wooers.
Fent.
Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.
[Exit.
Quic.
Farewell to your worship.—Truly, an honest
gentleman; but Anne loves him not; I know
Anne's mind as well as another does:—Out upon't!
what have I forgot?
[Exit.ACT II.SCENE I.Before Page's house.Enter Mistress Page with a letter.
Mistress Page.
What, have I 'scap'd love-letters in
the holy-day-time of my beauty, and am I now a
subject for them? Let me see:
reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor:
You are not young, no more am I; go to then, there's
sympathy: you are merry, so am I; Ha! ha! then there's
more sympathy: you love sack, and so do I; Would you
desire better sympathy? let it suffice thee, mistress Page,
(at the least, if the love of a soldier can suffice) that I love
thee. I will not say, pity me, 'tis not a soldier-like phrase;
but I say, love me. By me,
,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might,
For thee to fight.
John Falstaff.
-- 256 --
What a Herod of Jewry is this?—O wicked, wicked
world!—one that is well nigh worn to pieces with
age, to shew himself a young gallant! What an unweigh'd
behaviour2note has this Flemish drunkard pick'd
(with the devil's name) out of my conversation, that
he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath
not been thrice in my company!—What should I
say to him?—3noteI was then frugal of my mirth:—
heaven forgive me!—Why, I'll exhibit 4note
a bill in
-- 257 --
the parliament for the putting down of men. How
shall I be reveng'd on him? for reveng'd I will be, as
sure as his guts are made of puddings.]
Enter Mistress Ford.
Mrs. Ford.
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going
to your house.
Mrs. Page.
And, trust me, I was coming to you.
You look very ill.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to
shew to the contrary.
Mrs. Page.
'Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Mrs. Ford.
Well, I do then; yet, I say, I could
shew you to the contrary: O, mistress Page, give
me some counsel!
Mrs. Page.
What's the matter, woman?
Mrs. Ford.
O woman, if it were not for one trifling
respect, I could come to such honour!
-- 258 --
Mrs. Page.
Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour:
What is it?—dispense with trifles;—what is it?
Mrs. Ford.
If I would but go to hell for an eternal
moment, or so, I could be knighted.
:—here, read,
read;—perceive how I might be knighted.—I shall
think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an eye
to make difference of men's liking: And yet he would
not swear; prais'd women's modesty; and gave such
orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness,
that I would have sworn his disposition would have
gone to the truth of his words: but they do no more
adhere, and keep place together, than the hundredth
psalm to the tune of Green Sleeves7note
. What tempest,
-- 260 --
I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in
his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be reveng'd
on him? I think, the best way were to entertain
him with hope, 'till the wicked fire of lust
have melted him in his own grease.—Did you ever
hear the like?
Mrs. Page.
Letter for letter; but that the name of
Page and Ford differs!—To thy great comfort in this
mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy
letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine
never shall. I warrant, he hath a thousand of these
letters, writ with blank space for different names,
(sure more) and these are of the second edition: He
will print them out of doubt; for he cares not what
he puts into the 8notepress, when he would put us two.
I had rather be a giantess, and lie under mount Pelion.
Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles,
ere one chaste man.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, this is the very same; the very
hand, the very words: What doth he think of us?
Mrs. Page.
Nay, I know not: It makes me almost
ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll
entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted
withal; for, sure, unless he knew 9note
some strain in
-- 261 --
me, that I know not myself, he would never have
boarded me in this fury.
Mrs. Ford.
Boarding, call you it? I'll be sure to
keep him above deck.
Mrs. Page.
So will I; if he come under my hatches,
I'll never to sea again. Let's be reveng'd on him:
let's appoint him a meeting; give him a show of
comfort in his suit; and lead him on with a fine
baited delay, till he hath pawn'd his horses to mine
Host of the Garter.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I will consent to act any villainy
against him, that may not fully the chariness of our
honesty1note. Oh, that my husband saw this letter2note! it
would give eternal food to his jealousy.
Mrs. Page.
Why, look, where he comes; and my
good man too: he's as far from jealousy, as I am from
giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable
distance.
Mrs. Ford.
You are the happier woman.
Mrs. Page.
Let's consult together against this greasy
knight: Come hither.
[They retire.Enter Ford with Pistol, Page with Nym.
curtail-dog in some affairs:
Sir John affects thy wife.
-- 262 --
Ford.
Why, Sir, my wife is not young.
Pist.
He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
He loves thy gally-mawfry4note 9Q0126; Ford, perpend5note
.
Ford.
Love my wife?
Pist.
With liver burning hot: Prevent, or go thou,
Like Sir Actæon he, with Ring-wood at thy heels:—
O, odious is the name.!
Ford.
What name, Sir?
Pist.
The horn, I say: Farewel.
Take heed; have open eye; for thieves do foot by night:
Take heed, ere summer comes, or6note cuckoo-birds do sing.—
7note
Away, sir corporal Nym.—
-- 263 --
Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
[Exit Pistol.
Ford.
I will be patient; I will find out this.
Nym. [Speaking to Page.]
And this is true; I like
not the humour of lying. He hath wrong'd me in
some humours: I should have borne the humour'd
letter to her; but 8note
I have a sword, and it shall bite
upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there's
the short and the long. My name is corporal Nym;
I speak, and I avouch. 'Tis true:—my name is
Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife.—Adieu! I love
not the humour of bread and cheese; and there's the
humour of it. Adieu.
I melancholy! I am not melancholy.—Get
you home, go.
Mrs. Ford.
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy
head now.—Will you go, mistress Page?
Mrs. Page.
Have with you.—You'll come to dinner,
George?—Look, who comes yonder: she shall
be our messenger to this paltry knight.
[Aside to Mrs. Ford.Enter Mistress Quickly.
Mrs. Ford.
Trust me, I thought on her: she'll fit it.
-- 267 --
Mrs. Page.
You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Quic.
Ay, forsooth; And, I pray, how does good
mistress Anne?
Mrs. Page.
Go in with us, and see; we have an
hour's talk with you.
[Ex. Mrs. Page, Mrs. Ford, and Mrs. Quickly.
Page.
How now, master Ford?
Ford.
You heard what this knave told me; did
you not?
Page.
Yes; And you heard what the other told me?
Ford.
Do you think there is truth in them?
Page.
Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight
would offer it: but these, that accuse him in his intent
towards our wives, are a yoke of his discarded men;
3notevery rogues, now they be out of service.
Ford.
Were they his men?
Page.
Marry, were they.
Ford.
I like it never the better for that.—Does he
lie at the Garter?
Page.
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend
his voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose
to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp
words, let it lie on my head.
Ford.
I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be
loth to turn them together: A man may be too confident:
I would have nothing lie on my head9Q0127: I cannot
be thus satisfied.
Page.
Look, where my ranting host of the Garter
comes: there is either liquor in his pate, or money
in his purse, when he looks so merrily.—How, now,
mine host?
-- 268 --
Enter Host, and Shallow.
Host.
How, now, bully-rook? thou'rt a gentleman:
cavalero-justice4note
, I say.
Shal.
I follow, mine host, I follow.—Good even,
and twenty, good master Page! Master Page, will
you go with us? we have sport in hand.
Host.
Tell him, cavalero-justice; tell him, bully-rook?
Shal.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought, between sir
Hugh the Welch priest, and Caius the French doctor.
Ford.
Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with
you.
Host.
What say'st thou, bully-rook?
[They go a little aside.
Shal. [To Page]
Will you go with us to behold
it? My merry host hath had the measuring of their
weapons; and, I think, he hath appointed them contrary
places: for, believe, me, I hear, the parson is no
jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
Host.
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
guest-cavalier?
Ford.
None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle
of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, 5note
? and thy name shall be Brook:
It is a merry knight.—7note
Will you go an-heirs?
Shal.
Have with you, mine host,9Q0128
Page.
I have heard, the Frenchman hath good skill
in his rapier.
Shal.
Tut, sir, I could have told you more: In
these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccado's,
and I know not what: 'tis the heart, master
Page; 'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with
my 8note
long sword, I would have made you four tall
fellows9note skip like rats.
-- 270 --
Host.
Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?
Page.
Have with you:—I had rather hear them
scold than fight.
so firmly on his wife's frailty,9Q0129 yet I cannot put off
my opinion so easily: She was in his company at
Page's house; and, what they made there, I know
not. Well, I will look further into't: and I have a
disguise to sound Falstaff: If I find her honest, I lose
not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well
bestow'd.
[Exit.SCENE II.The Garter inn.Enter Falstaff and Pistol.
Fal.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
Why, then the world's mine oyster2note, which I
with sword will open.—3note
I will retort the sum in
equipage.
-- 272 --
Fal.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you
should lay my countenance to pawn: I have grated
upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and
4note
your coach-fellow, Nym; or else you had look'd
through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am
damn'd in hell, for swearing to gentlemen my friends,
you were good soldiers, 5note
go.—You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue!—you
stand upon your honour!—Why, thou unconfinable
baseness, it is as much as I can do, to keep the terms
of my honour precise. I, I, I myself sometimes leaving
the fear of heaven on the left hand, and hiding
mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to
hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce
your rags9note, your cat-a-mountain looks, your
1note
under the shelter of your honour! You will not do
it, you?
Pist.
I do relent; What wouldst thou more of man?
Enter Robin.
Rob.
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Fal.
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quic.
Give your worship good-morrow.
Fol.
Good-morrow, good wife.
Quic.
Not so, an't please your worship.
Fal.
Good maid, then.
Quic.
I'll be sworn; as my mother was, the first
hour I was born.
Fal.
I do believe the swearer: What with me?
Quic.
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or
two?
Fal.
Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchsafe
thee the hearing.
Quic.
There is one mistress Ford, sir;—I pray,
come a little nearer this ways:—I myself dwell with
master doctor Caius.
Fal.
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,—
Quic.
Your worship says very true: I pray your
worship, come a little nearer this ways.
Fal.
I warrant thee, nobody hears;—mine own
people, mine own people.
-- 277 --
Quic.
Are they so? Heaven bless them, and make
them his servants!
Fal.
Well: mistress Ford;—what of her?
Quic.
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord,
lord! your worship's a wanton: Well, heaven forgive
you, and all of us, I pray!
Fal.
Mistress Ford;—come, mistress Ford,—
Quic.
Marry, this is the short and the long of it;
you have brought her into such a 3note
canaries, as 'tis
wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and
lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant
you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after
gift; smelling so sweetly, (all musk) and so rusling,
I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant
terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best, and
the fairest, that would have won any woman's heart;
and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink
of her.—I had myself twenty angels given me this
morning: but I defy all angels, (in any such sort as
they say) but in the way of honesty:—and, I warrant
you, they could never get her so much as sip on a
cup with the proudest of them all: and yet there has
been 4note
earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but,
I warrant you, all is one with her.
-- 278 --
Fal.
But what says she to me? be brief, my good
she Mercury.
Quic.
Marry, she hath receiv'd your letter; for the
which she thanks you a thousand times: and she gives
you to notify, that her husband will be absence from
his house between ten and eleven.
Fal.
Ten and eleven.
Quic.
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and
see the picture, she says, that you wot of5note;—master
Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the
sweet woman leads an ill life with him; he's a very
jealousy man; she leads a very 6note
frampold life with
him, good heart.
-- 279 --
Fal.
Ten and eleven: Woman, commend me to
her; I will not fail her.
Quic.
Why, you say well: But I have another messenger
to your worship: Mistress Page has her hearty
commendations to you too;—and let me tell you in
your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and
one (I tell you) that will not miss you morning nor
evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the
other: and she bade me tell your worship, that her
husband is seldom from home; but, she hopes, there
will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote
upon a man; surely, I think you have charms, la;
yes, in truth.
Fal.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of
my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Quic.
Blessing on your heart for't!
Fal.
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife,
and Page's wife, acquainted each other how they love
me?
Quic.
That were a jest, indeed!—they have not so
little grace, I hope:—that were a trick, indeed! But
mistress Page would desire you 7note
to send her your little
page, of all loves; her husband has a marvellous infection
to the little page: and, truly, master Page is
-- 280 --
an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better
life than she does; do what she will, say what she
will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise
when she lift, all is as she will; and, truly, she deserves
it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor,
she is one. You must send her your page; no remedy.
Fal.
Why, I will.
Quic.
Nay, but do so then: and, look you, he
may come and go between you both; and, in any case,
have a nay-word8note, that you may know one another's
mind, and the boy never need to understand any
thing; for 'tis not good that children should know
any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,
as they say, and know the world.
Fal.
Fare thee well: commend me to them both:
there's my purse; I am yet thy debtor.—Boy, go
along with this woman.—This news distracts me!
This pink is one of Cupid's carriers:—
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights;
Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! [Exit Pistol.
-- 281 --
Fal.
Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll
make more of thy old body than I have done. Will
they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expence
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I
thank thee: Let them say, 'tis grossly done, so it
be fairly done, no matter.
-- 282 --
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir John, there's one master Brook below
would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with
you; and hath sent your worship a morning's draught
of sack.
Fal.
Brook, is his name?
Bard.
Ay, sir.
Fal.
Call him in; [Exit Bardolph.] Such Brooks
are welcome to me, that o'erflow such liquor. Ah!
ha! mistress Ford and mistress Page, have I encompass'd
you? 1note
go to; via!
Re-enter Bardolph, with Ford disguis'd.
Ford.
Bless you, sir.
Fal.
And you, sir: Would you speak with me?
Ford.
I make bold, to press with so little preparation
upon you.
Fal.
You're welcome; What's your will? Give
us leave, drawer.
[Exit Bardolph.
Ford.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much;
my name is Brook.
Fal.
Good master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
Ford.
Good sir John, I sue for yours: 2notenot to
charge you; for I must let you understand, I think
myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the
-- 283 --
which hath something embolden'd me to this unseason'd
intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
ways do lie open.
Fal.
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford.
Troth, and I have a bag of money here
troubles me: if you will help me to bear it, sir John,
take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
Fal.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
porter.
Ford.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the
hearing.
Fal.
Speak, good master Brook; I shall be glad to
be your servant.
Ford.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar,—I will be brief
with you;—and you have been a man long known to
me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to
make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open
mine own imperfection: but, good sir John, as you
have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
turn another into the register of your own;
that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith3note you
yourself know, how easy it is to be such an offender.
Fal.
Very well, sir; proceed.
Ford.
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her
husband's name is Ford.
Fal.
Well sir.
Ford.
I have long lov'd her, and, I protest to you,
bestow'd much on her; follow'd her with a doting
observance; engross'd opportunities to meet her;
fee'd every slight occasion, that could but niggardly
give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
to give her, but have given largely to many, to know
what she would have given: briefly, I have pursued
her, as love hath pursued me; which hath been, on
the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have
-- 284 --
merited, either in my mind, or in my means, meed4note
,
I am sure, I have received none; unless experience
be a jewel; that I have purchas'd at an infinite rate;
and that hath taught me to say this:
Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.
Fal.
Have you receiv'd no promise of satisfaction
at her hands?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Have you importun'd her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Of what quality was your love then?
Ford.
Like a fair house, built upon another man's
ground; so that I have lost my edifice, by mistaking
the place where I erected it.
Fal.
To what purpose have you unfolded this to
me?
Ford.
When I have told you that, I have told you
all. Some say, that, though she appear honest to me,
yet, in other places, she enlargeth her mirth so far,
that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now,
sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: You are a
gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse,
of great admittance5note, authentic in your place and
person, generally allow'd6note
for your many war-like,
court-like, and learned preparations.
Fal.
O sir!
Ford.
Believe it, for you know it:—There is money;
spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have;
only give me so much of your time in exchange of it,
-- 285 --
as to lay an amiable siege9Q0130 to the honesty of this Ford's
wife: use your art of wooing, win her to consent to
you; if any man may, you may as soon as any.
Fal.
Would it apply well to the vehemence of your
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
methinks, you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
Ford.
O, understand my drift! she dwells so securely
on the excellency of her honour, that the folly
of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright
to be look'd against.9Q0131 Now, could I come to her with
any detection in my hand, my desires had 7noteinstance
and argument to commend themselves; I could drive
her then from the ward of her purity8note, her reputation,
her marriage vow, and a thousand other her defences,
which now are too too strongly embattled against me:
What say you to't, sir John?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am
a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.
Ford.
O good sir!
Fal.
Master Brook, I say you shall.
Ford.
Want no money, sir John, you shall want
none.
Fal.
Want no mistress Ford, master Brook, you
shall want none. I shall be with her (I may tell you)
by her own appointment; even as you came in to
me, her assistant, or go-between, parted from me: I
say, I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for
at that time the jealous rascally knave, her husband,
will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall
know how I speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you
know Ford, sir?
-- 286 --
Fal.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know
him not:—yet I wrong him to call him poor; they
say, the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money;
for the which, his wife seems to me well-favour'd. I
will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;
and there's my harvest-home.
Ford.
I would you knew Ford, sir; that you might
avoid him, if you saw him.
Fal.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I
will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with
my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's
horns: master Brook, thou shalt know, I will
predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lye with
his wife.—Come to me soon at night:—Ford's a knave,
9note
and I will aggravate his stile; thou, master Brook,
shalt know him for knave and cuckold:—come to me
soon at night.
[Exit.
Ford.
What a damn'd Epicurean rascal is this!—My
heart is ready to crack with impatience.—Who says,
this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to
him, the hour is fix'd, the match is made: Would any
man have thought this?—See the hell of having a
false woman! my bed shall be abus'd, my coffers ransack'd,
my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only
receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the
adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does
me this wrong. Terms! names!—Amaimon1note sounds
-- 287 --
well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are
devils' additions, the names of fiends: but cuckold!
wittol! cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a
name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his
wife, he will not be jealous: I will rather trust a
Fleming with my butter, parson Hugh the Welchman
with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua vitæ
bottle2note
, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than
my wife with herself: then she plots, then she ruminates,
then she devises; and what they think in their
hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts
but they will effect. Heaven be prais'd for my jealousy!
—3noteEleven o'clock the hour;—I will prevent
this, detect my wife, be reveng'd on Falstaff, and
laugh at Page: I will about it;—better three hours
too soon, than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold!
cuckold! cuckold!
[Exit.
-- 288 --
SCENE III.Windsor park.Enter Caius and Rugby.
Caius.
Jack Rugby!
Rug.
Sir.
Caius.
Vat is de clock, Jack?
Rug.
'Tis past the hour, sir, that sir Hugh promis'd
to meet.
Caius.
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no
come; he has pray his Pible vell, dat he is no come:
by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be
come.
Rug.
He is wise, sir; he knew, your worship would
kill him, if he came.
Caius.
By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill
kill him. Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you
how I vill kill him.
Rug.
Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
Caius.
Villan-a, take your rapier.
Rug.
Forbear; here's company.
Enter Host, Shallow, Slender, and Page.
Host.
'Bless thee, bully doctor.
Shal.
'Save you, master doctor Caius.
Page.
Now, good master doctor!
Slen.
Give you good-morrow, sir.
Caius.
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come
for?
Host.
To see thee fight, to see thee foin4notenote &lblank;]
To foin, I believe, was the ancient
term for making a thrust in fencing, or tilting. So in The
wise Woman of Hogsdon, 1638:
“I had my wards, and foins, and quarter blows.”
Again, in the Devil's Charter, 1607:
“&lblank; suppose my duellist
“Should falsity the foine upon me thus,
“Here will I take him.”
Spencer, in his Faery Queen, often uses the word foin. So in
b. ii. c. 8:
“And strook and foyn'd, and lash'd outrageously.”
Again, in Holinshed: p. 833: “First six foines with hand-speares,
&c.”
Steevens.
, to see
-- 289 --
thee traverse, to see thee here, to see thee there; to see
thee pass thy punto, thy stock5note, thy reverse, thy distance,
thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is
he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my
Æsculapius? my Galen? 6notemy heart of elder? ha!
is he dead, bully Stale7note? is he dead?
Caius.
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of the
vorld; he is not shew his face.
I pray you bear vitness that me have stay
six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no
come.
Shal.
He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a
curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you
should fight, you go against the hair9note of your professions:
is it not true, master Page?
Page.
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a
great fighter, though now a man of peace.
Shal.
Body-kins, master Page, though I now be old,
and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger
itches to make one: though we are justices, and doctors,
and churchmen, master Page, we have some
salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of women,
master Page.
Page.
'Tis true, master Shallow.
Shal.
It will be found so, master Page. Master
doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am
sworn of the peace: you have shew'd yourself a wise
physician, and Sir Hugh hath shewn himself a wise
-- 291 --
and patient churchman: you must go with me, master
doctor.
Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour,
bully.
Caius.
By gar, then I have as much mock-vater as
de Englishman:—Scurvy-jack-dog-priest! by gar,
me vill cut his ears.
Host.
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
Caius.
Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?
Host.
That is, he will make thee amends.
Caius.
By gar, me do look, he shall clapper-de-claw
me; for, by gar, me vill have it.
Host.
And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.
Caius.
Me tank you for dat.
Host.
And moreover, bully,—But first, master guest,
and master Page, and eke cavalero Slender, go you
through the town to Frogmore.
[Aside to them.
Page.
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host.
He is there: see what humour he is in; and
I will bring the doctor about the fields: will it do
well?
Shal.
We will do it.
All.
Adieu, good master doctor.
[Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender.
-- 292 --
Caius.
By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak
for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
Host.
Let him die: but, first, sheath thy impatience;
throw cold water on thy choler: go about
the fields with me through Frogmore; I will bring
thee where mistress Anne Page is, at a farm-house a
feasting; and thou shalt woo her: 2note
Cry'd game, said
I well?
-- 293 --
Caius.
By gar, me tank you for dat: by gar, I
love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest,
-- 294 --
de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
Host.
For the which, I will be thy adversary toward
Anne Page; said I well?
Caius.
By gar, 'tis good; vell said.
Host.
Let us wag then.
Caius.
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. [Exeunt.ACT III.SCENE I.Frogmore.Enter Evans and Simple.
Eva.
I pray you now, good master Slender's serving-man,
and friend Simple by your name, which
way have you looked for master Caius, that calls
himself Doctor of Physick?
-- 295 --
Simp.
Marry, sir, 3notethe Pitty-wary, the Park-ward,
every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the
town way.
Eva.
I most fehemently desire you, you will also
look that way.
Sim.
I will, sir.
Eva.
'Pless my soul! how full of cholers I am,
and trempling of mind!—I shall be glad, if he have
deceiv'd me: how melancholies I am!—I will knog
his urinals about his knave's costard, when I have
good opportunities for the 'ork:—'pless my soul!
[unresolved image link]By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals;
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand vragrant posies.
By shallow—
-- 296 --
'Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.
Melodius birds sing madrigals;—
When as I sat in Babylon—
And a thousand vragrant posies.
By shallow—
-- 297 --
Simp.
Yonder he is coming, this way, sir Hugh.
Eva.
He's welcome:—
By shallow rivers, to whose falls—
Heaven prosper the right!—What weapons is he?
Simp.
No weapons, sir: There comes my master,
master Shallow, and another gentleman from Frogmore,
over the stile, this way.
-- 298 --
Eva.
Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep
it in your arms.
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Shal.
How now, master parson? Good-morrow,
good sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and
a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.
Slen.
Ah sweet Anne Page!
Page.
Save you, good sir Hugh!
Eva.
'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
Shal.
What! the sword and the word! do you
study them both, master parson?
-- 299 --
Page.
And youthful still, in your doublet and hose,
this raw rheumatick day?
Eva.
There is reasons and causes for it.
Page.
We are come to you, to do a good office,
master parson.
Eva.
Fery well: What is it?
Page.
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who
belike, having receiv'd wrong by some person, is at
most odds with his own gravity and patience, that
ever you saw.
Shal.
I have liv'd fourscore years, and upward; I
never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning,
so wide of his own respect.
Eva.
What is he?
Page.
I think you know him; master doctor Caius,
the renowned French physician.
Eva.
Got's will, and his passion o' my heart! I
had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
Page.
Why?
Eva.
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates
and Galen,—and he is a knave besides; a cowardly
knave, as you would desires to be acquainted withal.
Page.
I warrant you, he's the man should fight
with him.
Slen.
O, sweet Anne Page!
Enter Host, Caius, and Rugby.
Shal.
It appears so, by his weapons:—Keep them
asunder;—here comes doctor Caius.
Page.
Nay, good master parson, keep in your
weapon.
Shal.
So do you, good master doctor.
Host.
Disarm them, and let them question; let
them keep their limbs whole, and hack our English.
Caius.
I pray you, let-a me speak a word vit your
ear: Verefore vill you not meet-a me?
Eva.
Pray you, use your patience: In good time.
-- 300 --
Caius.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog,
John ape.
Eva.
Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to
other men's humours; I desire you in friendship, and
will one way or other make you amends:—I will knog
your urinals about your knave's cogs-combs, for
missing your meetings and appointments.
Caius.
Diable!—Jack Rugby,—mine Host de Jarterre,
have I not stay for him, to kill him? have I
not, at de place I did appoint?
Eva.
As I am a christians soul, now, look you,
this is the place appointed; I'll be judgment by mine
host of the Garter.
Host.
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and
Welch5note
, soul-curer and body-curer.
Caius.
Ay, dat is very good! excellent!
Host.
Peace, I say; hear mine host of the Garter.
Am I politick? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel?
Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions,
and the motions. Shall I lose my parson? my priest?
my sir Hugh? no; he gives me the pro-verbs and the
no-verbs.—Give me thy hand, terrestial; so:—Give
me thy hand, celestial; so.—Boys of art, I have deceiv'd
you both; I have directed you to wrong
places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole,
and let burnt sack be the issue.—Come, lay their
swords to pawn:—Follow me, lad of peace; follow,
follow, follow.
Shal.
Trust me, a mad host.—Follow, gentlemen,
follow.
Slen.
O, sweet Anne Page!
[Exeunt Shal. Slen Page, and Host.
-- 301 --
Caius.
Ha! do I perceive dat? have you make-a
de sot of us? ha, ha!
Eva.
This is well; he has made us his vloutingstog.
—I desire you, that we may be friends; and let
us knog our prains together, to be revenge on this
same 6note
scald, scurvy, cogging companion, the host
of the Garter.
Caius.
By gar, vit all my heart; he promise to
bring me vere is Anne Page: by gar, he deceive me
too.
Eva.
Well, I will smite his noddles;—Pray you
follow.
SCENE II.The street in Windsor.Enter Mistress Page and Robin.
Mrs. Page.
Nay, keep your way, little gallant;
you were wont to be a follower, but now you are a
leader: Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes, or
eye your master's heels?
Rob.
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a
man, than follow him like a dwarf.
Mrs. Page.
O, you are a flattering boy; now, I
see, you'll be a courtier.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Well met, mistress Page: Whither go you?
Mrs. Page.
Truly, sir, to see your wife; Is she at
home?
Ford.
Ay; and as idle as she may hang together,
-- 302 --
for want of company: I think, if your husbands
were dead, you two would marry.
Mrs. Page.
Be sure of that,—two other husbands.
Ford.
Where had you this pretty weather-cock?
Mrs. Page.
I cannot tell what the dickens his name
is my husband had him of: What do you call your
knight's name, sirrah?
Rob.
Sir John Falstaff.
Ford.
Sir John Falstaff!
Mrs. Page.
He, he; I can never hit on's name.
There is such a league between my good man and he!
—Is your wife at home, indeed?
Ford.
Indeed, she is.
Mrs. Page.
By your leave, sir;—I am sick, 'till I
see her.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page and Robin.
Ford.
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes?
hath he any thinking? sure they sleep; he hath no
use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty
miles, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve
score. He pieces-out his wife's inclination; he gives
her folly motion, and advantage: and now she's going
to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A man
may hear this shower sing in the wind!—and Falstaff's
boy with her!—Good plots!—they are laid; and
our revolted wives share damnation together. Well;
I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the
borrow'd veil of modesty from the so seeming mistress
Page7note
, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful
Actæon; and to these violent proceedings all my
neighbours shall cry aim8note. The clock gives me my
cue, and my assurance bids me search; there I shall
-- 303 --
find Falstaff: I shall be rather prais'd for this, than
mock'd; for it is as positive as the earth is firm, that
Falstaff is there: I will go.
Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Evans, and Caius.
Shal. Page. &c.
Well met, master Ford.
Ford.
Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer
at home; and, I pray you, all go with me.
Shal.
I must excuse myself, master Ford.
Slen.
And so must I, sir; we have appointed to
dine with mistress Anne, and I would not break with
her for more money than I'll speak of.
We have linger'd about a match between
Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we
shall have our answer.
Slen.
I hope, I have your good will, father Page.
Page.
You have, master Slender; I stand wholly
for you:—but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.
Caius.
Ay, by gar; and de maid is love-a me; my
nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.
Host.
What say you to young master Fenton? he
capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, 1notehe writes
verses, he speaks holy-day2note, he smells April and May:
Not by my consent, I premise you. The
gentleman is 4note
of no having: he kept company with
the wild prince and Poins; he is of too high a region,
he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a
knot in his fortunes with the finge ro my substance:
if he take her, let him take her simply; the wealth
I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not
that way.
Ford.
I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home
with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have
sport; I will shew you a monster. —Master doctor,
-- 305 --
you shall go;—so shall you, master Page;—and you,
Sir Hugh.
Shal.
Well, fare you well:—we shall have the freer
wooing at master Page's.
Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest
knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
Ford.
[Aside.]I think, I shall drink in pipe-wine
first with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go,
gentles?
All.
Have with you, to see this monster.
[Exeunt.SCENE III.Ford's house.Enter Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Page, and servants with a basket.
Mrs. Ford.
What, John! what, Robert!
Mrs. Page.
Quickly, quickly; is the buck-basket—
Mrs. Ford.
I warrant:—What, Robin, I say.
Mrs. Page.
Come, come, come.
Mrs. Ford.
Here, set it down.
Mrs. Page.
Give your men the charge; we must
be brief.
-- 306 --
Mrs. Ford.
Marry, as I told you before, John, and
Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house;
and when I suddenly call on you, come forth, and
(without any pause, or staggering) take this basket on
your shoulders6note
: that done, trudge with it in all haste,
and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet mead,
and there empty it in the muddy ditch, close by the
Thames side.
Mrs. Page.
You will do it?
Mrs. Ford.
I have told them over and over; they
lack no direction: Be gone, and come when you are
call'd.
Ay, I'll be sworn: My master knows not of
your being here; and hath threaten'd to put me into
everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for, he swears,
he'll turn me away.
Mrs. Page.
Thou'rt a good boy; this secrecy of
thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a
new doublet and hose.—I'll go hide me.
Mrs. Ford.
Do so:—Go tell thy master, I am alone.
Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
[Exit Robin.
-- 308 --
Mrs. Page.
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss
me.
[Exit Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Ford.
Go to then;—we'll use this unwholsome
humidity, this gross watry pumpion;—we'll
teach him to know turtles from jays9note
.
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel1note? Why,
now let me die, for I have liv'd long enough2note; this
is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
Mrs. Ford.
O sweet sir John!
Fal.
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
thy husband were dead; I'll speak it before the best
lord, I would make thee my lady.
Mrs. Ford.
I your lady, sir John! alas, I should
be a pitiful lady.
Fal.
Let the court of France shew me such another;
I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: Thou
hast the right arched bent3note of the brow, 4note
that becomes
the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of
Venetian admittance.
-- 309 --
Mrs. Ford.
A plain kerchief, sir John: my brows
become nothing else; nor that well neither.
-- 310 --
Fal.
Thou art a traitor5note to say so9Q0134: thou would'st
make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy
foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait, in a
semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if fortune
thy foe were not9Q01359Q0136; nature is thy friend: Come,
thou canst not hide it.
Mrs. Ford.
Believe me, there's no such thing in
me.
Fal.
What made me love thee? let that persuade
thee, there's something extraordinary in thee. Come,
I cannot cog, and say, thou art this and that, like a
many of these lisping haw-thorn buds, that come like
women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklers-bury6notein simple-time9Q0137; I cannot: but I love thee; none
but thee; and thou deservest it.
Mrs. Ford.
Do not betray me, sir; I fear, you
love mistress Page.
Fal.
Thou might'st as well say, I love to walk by
the Counter-gate; which is as hateful to me as the
reek of a lime-kiln.
-- 311 --
Mrs. Ford.
Well, heaven knows how I love you;
and you shall one day find it.
Fal.
Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or
else I could not be in that mind.
Rob. [Within.]
Mistress Ford, mistress Ford! here's
mistress Page at the door, sweating, and blowing, and
looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
Fal.
She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind
the arras.
Mrs. Ford.
Pray you, do so; she's a very tattling
woman.—
[Falstaff hides himself.Enter Mistress Page.
What's the matter? how now?
Mrs. Page.
O mistress Ford, what have you done?
you're sham'd, you are overthrown, you are undone
for ever.
Mrs. Ford.
What's the matter, good mistress Page?
Mrs. Page.
O well-a-day, mistress Ford! having an
honest man to your husband, to give him such cause
of suspicion!
Mrs. Ford.
What cause of suspicion?
Mrs. Page.
What cause of suspicion?—Out upon
you!—how am I mistook in you?
Mrs. Ford.
Why, alas! what's the matter?
Mrs. Page.
Your husband's coming hither, woman,
with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman,
that, he says, is here now in the house, by your
consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence: You
are undone.
Pray heaven it be not so, that you have
such a man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's
coming with half Windsor at his heels, to search for
such a one. I come before to tell you: If you know
yourself clear, why I am glad of it: but if you have
a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amaz'd;
call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or
bid farewell to your good life for ever.
Mrs. Ford.
What shall I do?—There is a gentleman,
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame, so
much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound,
he were out of the house.
Mrs. Page.
For shame, never stand you had rather,
and you had rather; your husband's here at hand, bethink
you of some conveyance: in the house you
cannot hide him.—Oh, how have you deceived me!—
Look, here is a basket; if he be of any reasonable
stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen
upon him, as if it were going to bucking: Or, it is
whiting-time, send him by your two men to Datchet
mead.
Mrs. Ford.
He's too big to go in there: What shall
I do?
Re-enter Falstaff.
Fal.
Let me see't, let me see't! O let me see't! I'll
in, I'll in;—follow your friend's counsel;—I'll in.
Mrs. Page.
What! sir John Falstaff? Are these
your letters, knight?
Fal.
I love thee,—help me away: let me creep in
here; I'll never—
[He goes into the basket, they cover him with foul linen.
Mrs. Page.
Help to cover your master, boy: Call
your men, mistress Ford:—You dissembling knight!
Mrs. Ford.
What, John, Robert, John! Go take
up these clothes here, quickly; Where's the cowlstaff?
how you drumble:9Q0138 carry them to the
laundress in Datchet mead; quickly, come.
Enter Ford, Page, Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford.
Pray you, come near: if I suspect without
cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be
your jest, I deserve it.—How now? whither bear you
this?
Serv.
To the laundress, forsooth.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, what have you to do whither they
bear it? you were best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford.
Buck? I would I could wash myself of the
buck! Buck, buck, buck? Ay, buck; I warrant you,
buck; and of the season too, it shall appear.9Q0139[Exeunt
Servants with the basket.] Gentlemen, I have dream'd
to-night; I'll tell you my dream. Here, here, here
be my keys: ascend my chambers, search, seek, find
out: I'll warrant, we'll unkennel the fox:—Let me
stop this way first:—9note
So, now uncape.
-- 314 --
Page.
Good master Ford, be contented: you wrong
yourself too much.
Ford.
True, master Page.—Up, gentlemen; you
shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
[Exit.
Eva.
This is fery fantastical humours, and jealousies.
Caius.
By gar, 'tis no de fashion of France: it is
not jealous in France.
Page.
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue
of his search.
[Exeunt.
Mrs. Page.
Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mrs. Ford.
I know not which pleases me better,
that my husband is deceiv'd, or Sir John.
Mrs. Page.
What a taking was he in, when your
husband ask'd who was in the basket!
Mrs. Ford.
I am half afraid, he will have need of
washing; so throwing him into the water will do him
a benefit.
Mrs. Page.
Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would,
all of the same strain were in the same distress.
Mrs. Ford.
I think, my husband hath some special
suspicion of Falstaff's being here; for I never saw
him so gross in his jealousy till now.
Mrs. Page.
I will lay a plot to try that: And we
will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute
disease will scarce obey this medicine.
Mrs. Ford.
Shall we send that foolish carrion, mistress
Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into
the water; and give him another hope, to betray him
to another punishment?
Mrs. Page.
We'll do it; let him be sent for to-morrow
eight o'clock, to have amends.
Re-enter Ford, Page, and the rest at a distance.
Ford.
I cannot find him: may be the knave brag'd
of that he could not compass.
-- 315 --
Mrs. Page.
Heard you that?
Mrs. Ford.
I, I; peace:—You use me well,
master Ford, do you?
Ford.
Ay, I do so.
Mrs. Ford.
Heaven make you better than your
thoughts!
Ford.
Amen.
Mrs. Page.
You do yourself mighty wrong, master
Ford.
Ford.
Ay, ay; I must bear it.
Eva.
If there be any pody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven
forgive my sins at the day of judgment!
Caius.
By gar, nor I too; dere is no bodies.
Page.
Fie, fie, master Ford! are you not asham'd?
what spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I
would not have your distemper in this kind, for the
wealth of Windsor Castle.
Ford.
'Tis my fault, master Page: I suffer for it.
Eva.
You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife
is as honest a 'omans, as I will desires among five
thousand, and five hundred too.
Caius.
By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
Ford.
Well;—I promis'd you a dinner:—Come,
come, walk in the park: I pray you, pardon me; I
will hereafter make known to you, why I have done
this. Come, wife; come, mistress Page; I pray you
pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me.
Page.
Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll
mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to
my house to breakfast; after, we'll a birding together;
I have a fine hawk for the bush: shall it be so?
I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on
the lousy knave, mine host.
Caius.
Dat is good; by gar, vit all my heart.
Eva.
A lousy knave; to have his gibes, and his
mockeries.
[Exeunt.SCENE IV.Page's house.Enter Fenton and Mistress Anne Page.
Fent.
I see, I cannot get thy father's love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
Anne.
Alas! how then?
Fent.
Why, thou must be thyself.
He doth object, I am too great of birth;
And that, my state being gall'd with my expence,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth:
Besides these, other bars he lays before me,—
My riots past, my wild societies;
And tells me, 'tis a thing impossible
I should love thee, but as a property.
Anne.
May be, he tells you true.
Fent.
No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!
Albeit, I will confess, thy 2notefather's wealth
-- 317 --
Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags;
And 'tis the very riches of thyself
That now I aim at.
Anne.
Gentle master Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir:
3note
If opportunity and humblest suit
Cannot attain it, why then,—Hark you hither. [Fenton and Mistress Anne go apart.Enter Shallow, Slender, and Mrs. Quickly.
Shal.
Break their talk, mistress Quickly; my kinsman
shall speak for himself.
Slen.
I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis but
venturing.
Shal.
Be not dismay'd.
Slen.
No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for
that,—but that I am afeard.
Quic.
Hark ye; master Slender would speak a word
with you.
Anne.
I come to him.—This is my father's choice.
O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults
Look handsome in three hundred pounds a year! [Aside.
Quic.
And how does good master Fenton? Pray
you, a word with you.
Shal.
She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou
hadst a father!
-- 318 --
Slen.
I had a father, mistress Anne;—my uncle
can tell you good jests of him:—Pray you, uncle,
tell mistress Anne the jest, how my father stole two
geese out of a pen, good uncle.
Shal.
Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
Slen.
Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman
in Glocestershire.
come cut and long-tail,9Q0141 under
the degree of a 'squire.
Shal.
He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds
jointure.
Anne.
Good master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
Shal.
Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for
that—good comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you.
Anne.
Now, master Slender.
Slen.
Now, good mistress Anne.
Anne.
What is your will?
Slen.
My will? od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest,
indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven;
I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.
Anne.
I mean, master Slender, what would you
with me?
Slen.
Truly, for mine own part, I would little or
nothing with you: Your father, and my uncle, have
-- 319 --
made motions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy
man be his dole5note! They can tell you how things go,
better than I can: You may ask your father; here
he comes.
Enter Page, and Mistress Page.
Page.
Now, master Slender:—Love him, daughter Anne.—
Why how now! what does master Fenton here?
You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:
I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of.
Fent.
Nay, master Page, be not impatient.
Mrs. Page.
Good master Fenton, come not to my child.
Page.
She is no match for you.
Fent.
Sir, will you hear me?
Page.
No, good master Fenton.
Come, master Shallow;—come, son Slender; in:—
Knowing my mind, you wrong me, master Fenton. [Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Quic.
Speak to mistress Page.
Fent.
Good mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,
I must advance the colours of my love,
And not retire: Let me have your good will.
Anne.
Good mother, do not marry me to yon' fool.
Mrs. Page.
I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.
Anne.
Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth,
And bowl'd to death with turnips.
-- 320 --
Mrs. Page.
Come, trouble not yourself: Good master Fenton,
I will not be your friend nor enemy:
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
And as I find her, so am I affected;
'Till then, farewell, sir:—She must needs go in;
Her father will be angry. [Exe. Mrs. Page and Anne.
Fent.
Farewell, gentle mistress; farewell, Nan.
Quic.
This is my doing now;—Nay, said I, will
you cast away your child on a 7note
fool, and a physician?
Look on master Fenton:—this is my doing.
Fent.
I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night8notegive my sweet Nan this ring: There's for thy pains.
[Exit.
-- 321 --
Quic.
Now heaven send thee good fortune! A kind
heart he hath: a woman would run through fire and
water for such a kind heart. But yet, I would my
master had mistress Anne; or I would master Slender
had her; or, in sooth, I would master Fenton had
her: I will do what I can for them all three; for so
I have promis'd, and I'll be as good as my word;
but speciously9note for master Fenton. Well, I must of
another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses;
What a beast am I to slack it?
[Exit.SCENE V.The Garter inn.Enter Falstaff and Bardolph.
Fal.
Bardolph, I say.—
Bard.
Here, sir.
Fal.
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.
[Ex. Bard.] Have I liv'd to be carried in a basket, like
a barrow of butcher's offal; and to be thrown into the
Thames? Well; if I be serv'd such another trick, I'll
have my brains ta'en out, and butter'd, and give them
to a dog for a new year's gift. The rogues slighted
me into the river with as little remorse 1note
as they would
have drown'd a bitch's blind puppies, fifteen i' the
-- 322 --
litter: and you may know by my size, that I have a
kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as
deep as hell, I should down. I had been drown'd,
but that the shore was shelvy and shallow; a death
that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what
a thing should I have been, when I had been swell'd!
I should have been a mountain of mummy.
Re-enter Bardolph, with the wine.
Now, is the sack brew'd?
Bard.
Ay, sir: there's a woman below would speak
with you.
Fal.
Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames
water; for my belly's as cold, as if I had swallow'd
snow-balls for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.
Bard.
Come in, woman.
Enter Mrs. Quickly.
Quic.
By your leave;—I cry you mercy:—Give
your worship good morrow.
Fal.
Take away these chalices: Go brew me a pottle
of sack finely.
Bard.
With eggs, sir?
Fal.
Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my
brewage.—How now?
Quic.
Marry, sir, I come to your worship from
mistress Ford.
Fal.
Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough: I
was thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of
ford.
Quic.
Alas the day! good heart, that was not her
fault: she does so take on with her men; they mistook
their erection.
Fal.
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's
promise.
Quic.
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would
yern your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
a birding; she desires you once more to come to
-- 323 --
her between eight and nine: I must carry her word
quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.
Fal.
Well, I will visit her: Tell her so; and bid
her think, what a man is: let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.
Quic.
I will tell her.
Fal.
Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou?
Quic.
Eight and nine, sir.
Fal.
Well, be gone: I will not miss her.
Quic.
Peace be with you, sir!
[Exit.
Fal.
I marvel, I hear not of master Brook; he sent
me word to stay within: I like his money well. Oh,
here he comes.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Bless you, sir!
Fal.
Now, master Brook? you come to know what
hath pass'd between me and Ford's wife?
Ford.
That, indeed, sir John, is my business.
Fal.
Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at
her house the hour she appointed me.
Ford.
And you sped, sir?
Fal.
Very ill-favour'dly, master Brook.
Ford.
How, sir? Did she change her determination?
Fal.
No, master Brook: but the peaking cornuto
her husband, master Brook, dwelling in a continual
'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our
encounter, after we had embrac'd, kiss'd, protested,
and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;
and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither
provok'd and instigated by his distemper, and forsooth,
to search his house for his wife's love.
Ford.
What, while you were there?
Fal.
While I was there.
Ford.
And did he search for you, and could not
find you?
Fal.
You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
comes in one mistress Page; gives intelligence of
-- 324 --
Ford's approach; and, by her invention, and Ford's
wife's distraction, they convey'd me into a buck-basket.
Ford.
A buck-basket!
Fal.
Yea, a buck-basket: ramm'd me in with foul
shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, and greasy
napkins; that, master Brook, there was the rankest
compound of villanous smell, that ever offended
nostril.
Ford.
And how long lay you there?
Fal.
Nay, you shall hear, master Brook, what I have
suffer'd to bring this woman to evil for your good.
Being thus cramm'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's
knaves, his hinds, were call'd forth by their mistress,
to carry me in the name of foul cloaths to Datchet-lane:
they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous
knave their master in the door; who ask'd them
once or twice, what they had in their basket: I quak'd
for fear, least the lunatic knave would have search'd
it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held
his hand. Well; on went he for a search, and away
went I for foul cloaths. But mark the sequel, master
Brook: I suffer'd the pangs of three 2noteseveral deaths:
first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with3note
a jealous
rotten bell-weather: next, to be compass'd, like
a good 4note
bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt
to point, heel to head: and then, to be stopp'd in,
like a strong distillation, with stinking cloaths that
fretted in their own grease: think of that,—a man
-- 325 --
of my 5notekidney—think of that; that am as subject to
heat, as butter; a man of continual dissolution and
thaw; it was a miracle, to 'scape suffocation. And in
the height of this bath, when I was more than half
stew'd in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into
the Thames, and cool'd, glowing hot, in that surge,
like a horse-shoe; think of that—hissing hot—think
of that, master Brook.
Ford.
In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my
sake you have suffer'd all this. My suit is then desperate;
you'll undertake her no more?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Ætna, as
I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus.
Her husband is this morning gone a birding: I have
receiv'd from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt
eight and nine is the hour, master Brook.
Ford.
'Tis past eight already, sir.
Fal.
Is it? I will then address me6note
to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure, and
you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall
be crown'd with your enjoying her: Adieu. You shall
have her, master Brook; master Brook, you shall
cuckold Ford.
[Exit.
Ford.
Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream?
do I sleep? master Ford, awake; awake, master Ford;
there's a hole made in your best coat, master Ford.
This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen, and
buck-baskets!—Well, I will proclaim myself what I
am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house:
he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should; he
cannot creep into a half-penny purse, nor into a pepper-box:
but, lest the devil that guides him should
-- 326 --
aid him, I will search impossible places. Though
what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would
not, shall not make me tame: if I have horns to
make one mad, let the proverb go with me, 7noteI'll be
horn-mad.
SCENE I.Page's house.Enter Mrs. Page, Mrs. Quickly, and William.
Mrs. Page.
Is he at master Ford's already, think'st
thou?
Quic.
Sure, he is by this; or will be presently:
but truly, he is very courageous mad, about his throwing
into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come
suddenly.
Mrs. Page.
I'll be with her by and by; I'll but
-- 327 --
bring my young man here to school: Look, where
his master comes; 'tis a playing-day, I see.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
How now, sir Hugh? no school to-day?
Eva.
No; master Slender is let the boys leave to
play.
Quic.
Blessing of his heart!
Mrs. Page.
Sir Hugh, my husband says, my son
profits nothing in the world at his book; I pray you,
ask him some questions in his accidence.
Eva.
Come hither, William;—hold up your head;
come.
Mrs. Page.
Come on, sirrah; hold up your head;
answer your master, be not afraid.
Eva.
William, how many numbers is in nouns?
Will.
Two.
Quic.
Truly I thought there had been one number
more; because they say, od's nouns.
Eva.
Peace your tatlings. What is fair, William?
Will.
Pulcher.
Quic.
Poulcats! there are fairer things than poulcats,
sure.
Eva.
You are a very simplicity 'oman; I pray you,
peace. What is Lapis, William?
Will.
A stone.
Eva.
And what is a stone, William?
Will.
A pebble.
Eva.
No, it is Lapis; I pray you, remember in
your prain.
Will.
Lapis.
Eva.
That is a good William: What is he, William,
that does lend articles?
Will.
Articles are borrow'd of the pronoun; and
be thus declin'd, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, hæc, hoc.
Eva.
Nominativo, hig, hag, hog;—pray you, mark:
genitivo, hujus: Well, what is your accusative case?
Will.
Accusative, hinc.
-- 328 --
Eva.
I pray you, have your remembrance, child;
Accusativo, hung, hang, hog.
Quic.
Hang hog is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.
Eva.
Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the
focative case, William?
'Vengeance of Giney's case! fie on her!—never
name her, child, if she be a whore.
Eva.
For shame, 'oman.
Quic.
You do ill to teach the child such words: he
teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast
enough of themselves; and to call horum:—fie upon
you!
Eva.
'Oman art thou lunatics? hast thou no understanding
for thy cases, and the numbers of the
genders? thou art a foolish christian creatures, as I
would desires.
Mrs. Page.
Pr'ythee, hold thy peace.
Eva.
Shew me now, William, some declensions of
your pronouns.
your kæs, and your cods, you must be preeches2note
. Go
your ways and play, go.
Mrs. Page.
He is a better scholar, than I thought
he was.
Eva.
He is a good sprag3note memory. Farewell,
mistress Page.
Mrs. Page.
Adieu, good sir Hugh. Get you home,
boy.—Come, we stay too long.
[Exeunt.SCENE II.Ford's house.Enter Falstaff and Mrs. Ford.
Fal.
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my
sufferance: I see, you are obsequious in your love,
and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only,
mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all
the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it.
But are you sure of your husband now?
Mrs. Ford.
He's a birding, sweet sir John.
Mrs. Page. [Within.]
What hoa, gossip Ford!
what hoa!
Mrs. Ford.
Step into the chamber, sir John.
[Exit Falstaff.Enter Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Page.
How now, sweetheart? who's at home
besides yourself?
-- 330 --
Mrs. Ford.
Why, none but mine own people.
Mrs. Page.
Indeed?
Mrs. Ford.
No, certainly—Speak louder.
[Aside.
Mrs. Page.
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody
here.
Mrs. Ford.
Why?
Mrs. Page.
Why, woman, your husband is in his
old lunes4note again: 5notehe so takes on yonder with my
husband; so rails against all married mankind; so
curses all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever;
and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying,
6notePeer-out, peer-out!9Q0143 that any madness, I ever yet beheld,
seem'd but tameness, civility, and patience, to
this distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight
is not here.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, does he talk of him?
Mrs. Page.
Of none but him; and swears, he was
carried out, the last time he search'd for him, in a
basket: protests to my husband, he is now here; and
hath drawn him and the rest of their company from
their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion:
but I am glad the knight is not here; now he
shall see his own foolery.
Mrs. Ford.
How near is he, mistress Page.
Mrs. Page.
Hard by; at street end; he will be here
anon.
Mrs. Ford.
I am undone!—the knight is here.
Mrs. Page.
Why, then thou art utterly sham'd, and
he's but a dead man. What a woman are you?—
Away with him, away with him; better shame than
murther.
-- 231 --
Mrs. Ford.
Which way should he go? how should
I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
No, I'll come no more i' the basket: May I
not go out, ere he come?
Mrs. Page.
Alas, three of master Ford's brothers
watch the door with pistols, that none should issue
out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came.—
But what make you here?9Q0144
Fal.
What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.
Mrs. Ford.
There they always use to discharge their
birding-pieces: creep into the kiln-hole.
Fal.
Where is it?
Mrs. Ford.
He will seek there on my word. Neither
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he
hath an abstract7note9Q0145 for the remembrance of such places,
and goes to them by his note: There is no hiding you
in the house.
Fal.
I'll go out then.
Mrs. Ford.
If you go out in your own semblance,
you die, sir John; unless you go out disguis'd—
How might we disguise him?
Mrs. Page.
Alas the day, I know not. There is
no woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise, he
might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and
so escape.
Fal.
Good hearts, devise something: any extremity,
rather than a mischief.
Mrs. Ford.
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of
Brentford, has a gown above.
Mrs. Page.
On my word, it will serve him; she's
as big as he is: and there's her thrum hat, and her
muffler too8note
: Run up, sir John.
-- 332 --
Mrs. Ford.
Go, go, sweet sir John: mistress Page,
and I, will look some linen for your head.
Mrs. Page.
Quick, quick; we'll come dress you
straight: put on the gown the while.
[Exit Falstaff.
Mrs. Ford.
I would, my husband would meet him
in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford;
he swears, she's a witch; forbade her my house,
and hath threatened to beat her.
Mrs. Page.
Heaven guide him to thy husband's
cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
Mrs. Ford.
But is my husband coming?
Mrs. Page.
Ay, in good sadness, is he; and talks
of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
Mrs. Ford.
We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men
to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door
with it, as they did last time.
Mrs. Page.
Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's
go dress him like the witch of Brentford.
Mrs. Ford.
I'll first direct my men what they shall
do with the basket. Go up, I'll bring linen for him
straight.
Mrs. Page.
Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot
misuse him enough.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not act, that often jest and laugh;
'Tis old but true, Still swine eat all the draugh.
-- 333 --
Mrs. Ford.
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your
shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you
set it down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page and Mrs. Ford.Enter Servants with the basket.
1 Serv.
Come, come, take up.
2 Serv.
Pray heaven, it be not full of the knight
again.
1 Serv.
I hope not; I had as lief bear so much
lead.
Enter Ford, Shallow, Page, Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford.
Ay, but if it prove true, master Page, have
you any way then to unfool me again?—Set down the
basket, villain:—Somebody call my wife:—Youth in
a basket9Q0146!—Oh, you panderly rascals! there's a knot,
a gang, a pack, a conspiracy, against me: Now shall
the devil be sham'd. What! wife, I say! come,
come forth; behold what honest cloaths you send
forth to bleaching.
! Master Ford, you are not
to go loose any longer; you must be pinion'd.
Eva.
Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad
dog!
Shal.
Indeed, master Ford, this is not well; indeed.
-- 334 --
Enter Mrs. Ford.
Ford.
So say I too, sir.—Come hither, mistress
Ford;—mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest
wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool
to her husband!—I suspect without cause, mistress,
do I?
Mrs. Ford.
Heaven be my witness, you do, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty.
Ford.
Well said, brazen-face; hold it out.—Come
forth, sirrah.
[Pulls the cloaths out of the basket.
Page.
This passes.
Mrs. Ford.
Are you not asham'd? let the cloaths
alone.
Ford.
I shall find you anon.
Eva.
'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your
wife's cloaths? come away.
Ford.
Empty the basket, I say.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, man, why,—
Ford.
Master Page, as I am a man, there was none
convey'd out of my house yesterday in this basket;
Why may not he be there again? In my house I am
sure he is: my intelligence is true; my jealousy is
reasonable: Pluck me out all the linen.
Mrs. Ford.
If you find a man there, he shall die a
flea's death.
Page.
Here's no man.
Shal.
By my fidelity, this is not well, master Ford;
1note
this wrongs you.
Eva.
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
the imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.
Ford.
Well, he's not here I seek for.
-- 335 --
Page.
No, nor no where else but in your brain.
Ford.
Help to search my house this one time: if I
find not what I seek, shew no colour for my extremity,
let me for ever be your table-sport; let them
say of me, As jealous as Ford, that search'd a hollow
wall-nut for his wife's leman2note. Satisfy me once more,
once more search with me.
Mrs. Ford.
What hoa, mistress Page! come you,
and the old woman down; my husband will come
into the chamber.
Ford.
Old woman! what old woman's that?
Mrs. Ford.
Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.
Ford.
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean!
Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands,
does she? We are simple men; we do not
know what's brought to pass under the profession of
fortune-telling. She works by charms3note, by spells, by
the figure, and such daubery4note as this is: beyond our
element: we know nothing.—Come down, you
witch; you hag you, come down, I say.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, good, sweet husband;—good gentlemen,
let him not strike the old woman.
Enter Falstaff in women's cloaths, led by Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Page.
Come, mother Prat, come, give me
your hand.
Ford.
I'll prat her:—Out of my doors, you witch!
[Beats him.] you hag, you baggage, you poulcat,
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you,
follow; see but the issue of my jealousy: if I 8note
cry
out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open
again.
-- 337 --
Page.
Let's obey his humour a little further: Come,
gentlemen.
[Exeunt.
Mrs. Page.
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he
beat him most unpitifully, methought.
Mrs. Page.
I'll have the cudgel hallow'd, and hung
o'er the altar; it hath done meritorious service.
Mrs. Ford.
What think you? may we, with the
warrant of woman-hood, and the witness of a good
conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
Mrs. Page.
The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scar'd
out of him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple,
with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the
way of waste, attempt us again9note.
Mrs. Ford.
Shall we tell our husbands how we have
served him?
Mrs. Page.
Yea, by all means; if it be but to
scrape the figures out of your husband's brains. If
they can find in their hearts, the poor unvirtuous fat
knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will be
still the ministers.
Mrs. Ford.
I'll warrant, they'll have him publickly
sham'd: and, methinks, there would be no period1note to
the jest, should he not be publickly sham'd.
Mrs. Page.
Come, to the forge with it then, shape
it: I would not have things cool.
[Exeunt.
-- 338 --
SCENE III.The Garter inn.Enter Host and Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir, the Germans desire to have three of
your horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow at
court, and they are going to meet him.
Host.
What duke should that be, comes so secretly?
I hear not of him in the court: let me speak with the
gentlemen; they speak English?
Bard.
Sir, I'll call them to you.
Host.
They shall have my horses; but I'll make
them pay, I'll sauce them: they have had my houses
a week at command; I have turn'd away my other
guests: 2note
they must come off; I'll sauce them; come.
[Exeunt.
-- 339 --
SCENE IV.Ford's house.Enter Page, Ford, Mrs. Page, Mrs. Ford, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Eva.
'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'omans
as ever I did look upon.
Page.
And did he send you both these letters at an
instant?
Mrs. Page.
Within a quarter of an hour.
Ford.
Pardon me, wife: Henceforth do what thou wilt;
3note
I rather will suspect the sun with cold,
-- 340 --
Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand,
In him that was of late an heretick,
As firm as faith.
Page.
'Tis well, 'tis well; no more.
Be not as extreme in submission,
As in offence;
But let our plot go forward: let our wives
Yet once again, to make us publick sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him, and disgrace him for it.
Ford.
There is no better way than that they spoke of.
Page.
How! to send him word they'll meet him in the park
At midnight! fie, fie; he will never come.
Eva.
You say, he hath been thrown into the rivers;
and hath been grievously peaten, as an old 'oman: methinks,
there should be terrors in him, that he should
not come; methinks, his flesh is punish'd, he shall
have no desires.
Page.
So think I too.
Mrs. Ford.
Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,
And let us two devise to bring him hither.
Mrs. Page.
There is an old tale goes, that Herne the hunter,
Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,
Doth all the winter time, at still midnight,
Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns;
and takes the cattle;
And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain
In a most hideous and dreadful manner:
You have heard of such a spirit; and well you know,
The superstitious idle-headed eld5note
Receiv'd, and did deliver to our age,
This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.
Page.
Why, yet there want not many, that do fear
In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak:
But what of this?
Mrs. Ford.
Marry, this is our device;—
That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.
We'll send him word to meet us in the field,
Disguis'd like Herne, with huge horns on his head.
Page.
Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come,
And in this shape; When you have brought him thither,
-- 342 --
What shall be done with him? what is your plot?
Mrs. Page.
That likewise we have thought upon, and thus:
Nan Page my daughter, and my little son,
And three or four more of their growth, we'll dress
Like urchins7note, ouphes, and fairies, green and white,
With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,
And rattles in their hands; upon a sudden,
As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met,
Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once
8note
With some diffused song9Q0148: upon their sight,
We two in great amazedness will fly:
Then let them all encircle him about,
9note
And, fairy-like, to-pinch the unclean knight;
-- 343 --
And ask him, why, that hour of fairy revel,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread
In shape prophane?
Mrs. Ford.
And till he tell the truth,
Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound1note,
And burn him with their tapers.
Mrs. Page.
The truth being known,
We'll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit,
And mock him home to Windsor.
Ford.
The children must
Be practis'd well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.
Eva.
I will teach the children their behaviours; and
I will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight
with my taber.
Ford.
This will be excellent. I'll go buy them
vizards.
Mrs. Page.
My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
Finely attired in a robe of white.
Page. 2noteThat silk will I go buy;—and, in that time
-- 344 --
Shall master Slender steal my Nan away,
[Aside.
And marry her at Eaton.—Go, send to Falstaff straight.
Ford.
Nay, I'll to him again in the name of Brook:
He'll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he'll come.
Mrs. Page.
Fear not you that: Go, get us properties3note
And 4note
tricking for our fairies.
Eva.
Let us about it: It is admirable pleasures, and
fery honest knaveries.
[Ex. Page, Ford, and Evans.
Mrs. Page.
Go, mistress Ford,
Send Quickly to sir John, to know his mind.
[Exit Mrs. Ford.
I'll to the doctor; he hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, though well landed, is an ideot;
And he my husband best of all affects:
The doctor is well money'd, and his friends
Potent at court; he, none but he shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. [Exit.
Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John
Falstaff from master Slender.
Host.
There's his chamber, his house, his castle,
his 6note
standing-bed, and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about
with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new: Go,
knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian7noteunto thee: Knock, I say.
Simp.
There's an old woman, a fat woman gone up
into his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, 'till she
come down: I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host.
Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robb'd:
I'll call.—Bully knight! Bully sir John! speak
-- 346 --
from thy lungs military: Art thou there? it is thine
host, thine Ephesian, calls.
Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming
down of thy fat woman: Let her descend, bully,
let her descend; my chambers are honourable: Fie!
privacy? fie!
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
There was, mine host, an old fat woman even
now with me; but she's gone.
Simp.
Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
Brentford?
Fal.
Ay, marry was it, 9notemussel-shell; What would
you with her?
Simp.
My master, sir, master Slender sent to her,
seeing her go through the street, to know, sir, whether
one Nym, sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had
the chain, or no.
Fal.
I spake with the old woman about it.
Simp.
And what says she, I pray, sir?
Fal.
Marry, she says, that the very same man, that
beguil'd master Slender of his chain, cozen'd him of
it.
Simp.
I would I could have spoken with the woman
-- 347 --
herself; I had other things to have spoken with
her too, from him.
Fal.
What are they? let us know.
Host.
Ay, come; quick.
Simp.
I may not conceal them, sir.
Fal.
Conceal them, or thou dy'st.
Simp.
Why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress
Anne Page; to know, if it were my master's fortune
to have her, or no.
I thank your worship: I shall make my
master glad with these tidings.
[Exit Simple.
Host.
Thou art clerkly2note
, thou art clerkly, sir John:
Was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal.
Ay, that there was, mine host; one, that
hath taught me more wit than ever I learn'd before
in my life: and I paid nothing for it neither, but was
paid for my learning3note.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Out, alas, sir! cozenage! meer cozenage!
-- 348 --
Host.
Where be my horses? speak well of them,
varletto.
Bard.
Run away with the cozeners: for so soon as
I came beyond Eaton, they threw me off, from behind
one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs, and
away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustus's4note.
Host.
They are gone but to meet the duke, villain:
do not say, they are fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
Eva.
Where is mine host?
Host.
What is the matter, sir?
Eva.
Have a care of your entertainments: there is
a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there is three
couzin-germans, that has cozen'd all the hosts of Readings,
of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and
money. I tell you for good will, look you: you are
wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs; and 'tis
not convenient you should be cozen'd: Fare you well.
[Exit.Enter Caius.
Caius.
Vere is mine Host de Jarterre?
Host.
Here, master doctor, in perplexity, and doubtful
dilemma.
Caius.
I cannot tell vat is dat: But it is tell-a-me,
dat you make a grand preparation for a duke de Jamany:
by my trot, dere is no duke, dat the court is
know, to come: I tell you for good vill: adieu.
[Exit.
Host.
Hue and cry, villain, go! assist me, knight;
I am undone:—fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am
undone!
[Exit.
Fal.
I would all the world might be cozen'd; for
-- 349 --
I have been cozen'd, and beaten too. If it should
come to the ear of the court, how I have been transform'd,
and how my transformation hath been wash'd
and cudgel'd, they would melt me out of my fat,
drop by drop, and liquor fishermens' boots with me;
I warrant, they would whip me with their fine wits,
till I were as crest-faln as a dry'd pear. I never
prosper'd since I foreswore myself at 5notePrimero. Well,
if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers,
I would repent.—
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Now! whence come you?
Quic.
From the two parties, forsooth.
Fal.
The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestow'd! I have suffer'd
more for their sakes, more, than the villainous
inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear.
Quic.
And have not they suffer'd? yes, I warrant;
speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good heart,
is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white
spot about her.
Fal.
What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was
beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford; but that my admirable dexterity of wit,
counterfeiting the 6note
action of an old woman, deliver'd
-- 350 --
me, the knave constable had set me i' the stocks, i' the
common stocks, for a witch.
Quic.
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber:
you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your
content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
hearts, 7notewhat ado is here to bring you together! sure,
one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are
so cross'd.
Fal.
Come up into my chamber.
[Exeunt.SCENE VI.Enter Fenton and Host.
Host.
Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy, I will give over all.
Fent.
Yet hear me speak: Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
A hundred pound in gold, more than your loss.
Host.
I will hear you, master Fenton; and I will,
at the least, keep your counsel.
Fent.
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection
(So far forth as herself might be her chuser)
-- 351 --
Even to my wish: I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof's so larded with my matter,
That neither, singly, can be manifested,
Without the shew of both: Fat sir John Falstaff
Hath a great scene; the image of the jest8note [Shewing a letter.
I'll shew you here at large.9Q0149 Hark, good mine host:
To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the fairy queen;
The purpose why, is here9note; in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot1note,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him at Eaton
Immediately to marry: she hath consented: now, sir,
Her mother, even strong against that match2note,
And firm for doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their minds3note
,
And at the deanery, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her: to this her mother's plot
She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath
Made promise to the doctor:—Now, thus it rests;
Her father means she shall be all in white;
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
-- 352 --
To take her by the hand, and bid her go,
She shall go with him:—her mother hath intended,
The better to devote4note
her to the doctor,9Q0150
(For they must all be mask'd and vizarded)
That, quaint in green5note
, she shall be loose enrob'd,
With ribbands pendant, flaring 'bout her head;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
Host.
Which means she to deceive? father or mother?
Fent.
Both, my good host, to go along with me:
And here it rests,—that you'll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
Host.
Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar:
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
Fent.
So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
Besides, I'll make a present recompence. [Exeunt.
-- 353 --
ACT V.SCENE I.Enter Falstaff and Mrs. Quickly.
Fal.
Pr'ythee, no more pratling;—go.—I'll hold:
This is the third time; I hope, good luck lies in odd
numbers. Away, go; they say, there is divinity in
odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death.—
Away.
Quic.
I'll provide you a chain; and I'll do what I
can to get you a pair of horns.
[Exit Mrs. Quickly.
Fal.
Away, I say; time wears: hold up your head,
and mince6note
.
Enter Ford.
How now, master Brook? Master Brook, the matter
will be known to-night, or never. Be you in the
Park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall
see wonders.
Ford.
Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you
told me you had appointed?
Fal.
I went to her, master Brook, as you see, like
a poor old man: but I came from her, master Brook,
like a poor old woman. That same knave, Ford her
husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him,
master Brook, that ever govern'd frenzy. I will tell
you.—He beat me grievously, in the shape of a woman;
for in the shape of man, master Brook, I fear
not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because I know
also, life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with
me; I'll tell you all, master Brook. Since I pluck'd
-- 354 --
geese, play'd truant, and whipp'd top, I knew not
what 'twas to be beaten, till lately. Follow me: I'll
tell you strange things of this knave Ford; on whom
to-night I will be reveng'd, and I will deliver his wife
into your hand.—Follow: Strange things in hand,
master Brook! follow.—
[Exeunt.SCENE II.Windsor Park.Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Page.
Come, come; we'll couch i' the castle-ditch,
till we see the light of our fairies.—Remember, son
Slender, my daughter.
Slen.
Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we
have a nay-word7note how to know one another. I come
to her in white, and cry, mum; she cries, budget; and
by that we know one another.
Shal.
That's good too; But what needs either your
mum, or her budget? the white will decipher her well
enough.—It hath struck ten o'clock.
Page.
The night is dark; light and spirits will become
it well. Heaven prosper our sport!8note
No man
means evil but the devil, and we shall know him by
his horns. Let's away; follow me.
[Exeunt.
-- 355 --
SCENE III.Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Dr. Caius.
Mrs. Page.
Master doctor, my daughter is in green:
when you see your time, take her by the hand, away
with her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly: Go
before into the park; we two must go together.
Caius.
I know vat I have to do; Adieu.
[Exit.
Mrs. Page.
Fare you well, sir. My husband will
not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff, as he will
chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter: but 'tis
no matter; better a little chiding, than a great deal
of heart-break.
They are all couch'd in a pit hard by
Herne's oak1note, with obscur'd lights; which, at the very
instant of Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once
display to the night.
-- 356 --
Mrs. Ford.
That cannot chuse but amaze him.
Mrs. Page.
If he be not amaz'd, he will be mock'd;
if he be amaz'd, he will every way be mock'd.
Mrs. Ford.
We'll betray him finely.
Mrs. Page.
Against such lewdsters, and their lechery,
Those that betray them do no treachery.
Mrs. Ford.
The hour draws on; To the oak, to
the oak!
[Exeunt.SCENE IV.Enter Sir Hugh Evans, and Fairies.
Eva.
Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember
your parts: be pold, I pray you; follow me into the
pit; and when I give the watch-'ords, do as I pid you;
Come, come; trib, trib.
[Exeunt.SCENE V.Enter Falstaff with a buck's head on.
Fal.
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the
minute draws on: Now, the hot-blooded gods assist
me!—Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa;
love set on thy horns.—Oh powerful love!
that, in some respects, makes a beast a man; in some
other, a man a beast.—You were also, Jupiter, a swan,
for the love of Leda;—Oh, omnipotent love! how
near the god drew to the complexion of a goose?—A
fault done first in the form of a beast;—O Jove,
a beastly fault!—and then another fault in the semblance
of a fowl;—think on't, Jove; a foul fault.—
When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men do2note
?
-- 357 --
For me, I am here a Windsor stag; and the fattest,
I think, i' the forest: Send me a cool rut-time, Jove,
or who can blame me to piss my tallow3note
? Who comes
here? my doe?
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.
Mrs. Ford.
Sir John? art thou there, my deer?
my male deer?
Fal.
My doe with the black scut?—Let the sky rain
potatoes4note; let it thunder to the tune of Green Sleeves;
hail kissing-comfits5note
, and snow eringoes; let there come
a tempest of provocation9Q0151, I will shelter me here.
-- 358 --
Mrs. Ford.
Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.
Fal.
6noteDivide me like a bribe-buck, each a haunch:
I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the
7note
fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your
husbands. Am I a woodman? ha! Speak I like
Herne the hunter?—Why, now is Cupid a child of
conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true
spirit, welcome!
[Noise within.
Mrs. Page.
Alas! what noise?
Mrs. Ford.
Heaven forgive our sins!
Fal.
What shall this be?
Mrs. Ford. Mrs. Page.
Away, away.
[The women run out.
Fal.
I think the devil will not have me damn'd,
-- 359 --
lest the oil that is in me should set hell on fire; he
never would else cross me thus.
Enter Sir Hugh like a satyr; Quickly, and others, dress'd like fairies, with tapers.
Quic.
Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,
You moon-shine revellers, and shades of night,
8note
You orphan-heirs of fixed destiny,
Attend your office, and your quality.—
Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy o-yes.
Eva.
Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys9note
.
-- 360 --
Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap:
Where fires thou find'st unrak'd, and hearths unswept,
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry1note
:
Our radiant queen hates sluts, and sluttery.
Fal.
They are fairies; he, that speaks to them, shall die:
I'll wink and couch; No man their works must eye. [Lies down upon his face.
Eva.
Where's Bede?—Go you, and where you find a maid,
That, ere she sleep, hath thrice her prayers said,
2note
Rein up the organs of her fantasy;
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy:
-- 361 --
But those, as sleep, and think not on their sins,
Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins.
Quic.
About, about;
Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out:
Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room;
That it may stand till the perpetual doom,
3note
5note
The several chairs of order look you scour
With juice of balm, and every precious flower:
Each fair instalment coat, and several crest,
With loyal blazon, evermore be blest!
And nightly, meadow-fairies, look, you sing,
Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring:
The expressure that it bears, green let it be,
More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;
And, Hony Soit Qui Mal y Pense, write,
6note
In emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue, and white;
-- 363 --
Like saphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,
Buckled below fair knight-hood's bending knee;
Fairies use flowers for their 7note
charactery.
Away; disperse: But, till tis one o'clock,
Our dance of custom, round about the oak
Of Herne the hunter, let us not forget.
Eva.
Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set:
And twenty glow-worms shall our lanthorns be,
To guide our measure round about the tree.
But, stay; I smell a man 8note
of middle earth.
Fal.
Heavens defend me from that Welch fairy!
Lest he transform me to a piece of cheese!
Eva.
Vile worm9Q0152, thou wast o'er-look'd even in thy birth9note
With trial-fire touch me his finger-end:
If he be chaste, the flame will back descend,
And turn him to no pain; but if he start,
It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.9Q0153
Eva.
A trial, come.—
[They burn him with their tapers, and pinch him.
Come, will this wood take fire?
Fal.
Oh, oh, oh!
Quic.
Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!—
About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhime:
And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
Eva.
2noteIt is right; indeed, he is full of leacheries
and iniquity.
The SONG.
Fie on sinful phantasy!
Fie on lust and luxury3note!
4note
Lust is but a bloody fire,
Kindled with unchaste desire,
-- 365 --
Fed in heart; whose flames aspire,
As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.
Pinch him, fairies, mutually;
Pinch him for his villainy;
Pinch him, and burn him, and turn him about,
'Till candles, and star-light, and moon-shine be out.
5noteDuring this song, they pinch him6note. Doctor Caius comes
one way, and steals away a fairy in green; Slender another
way, and he takes away a fairy in white; and Fenton
comes, and steals away Mrs. Anne Page. A noise of
hunting is made within. All the fairies run away. Falstaff
pulls off his buck's head, and rises.Enter Page, Ford, &c. They lay hold on him.
Page.
Nay, do not fly: I think, we have watch'd you now;
Will none but Herne the hunter, serve your turn?
Mrs. Page.
I pray you, come; hold up the jest no higher:—
Now, good sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
7note
See you these, husband? do not these fair yoaks
Become the forest better than the town?
-- 366 --
Ford.
Now, sir, who's a cuckold now?—Master
Brook, Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here
are his horns, master Brook: And, master Brook, he
hath enjoyed nothing of Ford's but his buck-basket,
his cudgel, and twenty pounds of money; which
must be paid to master Brook; his horses are arrested
for it, master Brook.
Mrs. Ford.
Sir John, we have had ill luck; we
could never meet. I will never take you for my love
again, but I will always count you my deer.
Fal.
I do begin to perceive, that I am made an ass.
Ford.
Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs are extant.
Fal.
And these are not fairies? I was three or four
times in the thought, they were not fairies: and yet
the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprize of my
powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into a receiv'd
belief, in despight of the teeth of all rhime and
reason, that they were fairies. See now, how wit
may be made a Jack-a-lent8note
, when 'tis upon ill employment!
-- 367 --
Eva.
Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your
desires, and fairies will not pinse you.
Ford.
Well said, fairy Hugh.
Eva.
And leave your jealousies also, I pray you.
Ford.
I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou
art able to woo her in good English.
Fal.
Have I lay'd my brain in the sun, and dried it,
that it wants matter to prevent so gross o'er-reaching
as this? Am I ridden with a Welch goat too? shall
I have a coxcomb of frize9note? 'tis time I were choak'd
with a piece of toasted cheese.
Eva.
Seese is not good to give putter; your pelly
is all putter.
Fal.
Seese and putter! have I liv'd to stand in the
taunt of one that makes fritters of English? this is
enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking,
through the realm.
Mrs. Page.
Why, sir John, do you think, though
we would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the
head and shoulders, and have given ourselves without
scruple to hell, that ever the devil could have made
you our delight?
Ford.
What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?
Mrs. Page.
A puff'd man?
Page.
Old, cold, wither'd, and of intolerable entrails?
Ford.
And one that is as slanderous as Satan?
Page.
And as poor as Job?
Ford.
And as wicked as his wife?
-- 368 --
Eva.
And given to fornications, and to taverns, and
sacks, and wines, and metheglins, and to drinkings,
and swearings, and starings, pribbles and prabbles?
Fal.
Well, I am your theme; you have the start
of me; I am dejected; I am not able to answer the
Welch flannel1note
ignorance itself is a plummet o'er
me: use me as you will.
Ford.
Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to one
master Brook, that you cozen'd of money, to whom
you should have been a pandar: over and above that
you have suffer'd, I think, to repay that money will
be a biting affliction.
3noteMrs. Ford.
Nay, husband, let that go to make amends:
Forgive that sum, and so we'll all be friends.
-- 369 --
Ford.
Well, here's my hand; all's forgiven at last.
Page.
Yet be cheerful, knight: thou shalt eat a
posset to-night at my house; where I will desire thee
to 6notelaugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee: Tell
her, master Slender hath married her daughter.
Mrs. Page.
Doctors doubt that; if Anne Page be
my daughter, she is, by this, doctor Caius' wife.
[Aside.Enter Slender.
Slen.
Whoo, ho! ho! father Page!
Page.
Son! how now? how now, son? have you
dispatch'd?
Slen.
Dispatch'd!—I'll make the best in Glocestershire
know on't; would I were hang'd, la, else.
Page.
Of what, son?
Slen.
I came yonder at Eaton to marry mistress
Anne Page, and she's a great lubberly boy: If it had
not been i' the church, I would have swing'd him, or
he should have swing'd me. If I did not think it had
been Anne Page, would I might never stir, and 'tis
a post-master's boy.
Page.
Upon my life then you took the wrong.
Slen.
What need you tell me that? I think so, when
I took a boy for a girl: If I had been married to him,
for all he was in woman's apparel, I would not have
had him.
Page.
Why, this is your own folly; Did not I tell
you, how you should know my daughter by her garments?
Slen.
I went to her in white, and cry'd, mum, and
-- 370 --
she cry'd budget, as Anne and I had appointed; and
yet it was not Anne, but a post-master's boy.
Eva.
Jeshu! Master Slender, cannot you see but
marry boys4note?
Page.
O, I am vex'd at heart: What shall I do?
Mrs. Page.
Good George, be not angry: I knew
of your purpose; turn'd my daughter into green;
and, indeed, she is now with the doctor at the deanery,
and there married.
Enter Caius.
Caius.
Vere is mistress Page? By gar, I am cozen'd;
I ha' married un garçon, a boy; un paisan, by gar, a
boy; it is not Anne Page: by gar, I am cozen'd.
Mrs. Page.
Why, did you not take her in green?
Caius.
Ay, be gar, and 'tis a boy: be gar, I'll raise
all Windsor.
[Exit Caius.
Ford.
This is strange: Who hath got the right Anne?
Page.
My heart misgives me: Here comes master
Fenton.
Enter Fenton, and Anne Page.
How now, master Fenton?
Anne.
Pardon, good father! good my mother, pardon!
Page.
Now, mistress? how chance you went not
with master Slender?
Mrs. Page.
Why went you not with master doctor,
maid?
Fent.
You do amaze her; Hear the truth of it.
You would have married her most shamefully,
Where there was no proportion held in love.
The truth is, She and I, long since contracted,
Are now so sure, that nothing can dissolve us.
The offence is holy, that she hath committed:
And this deceit loses the name of craft,
-- 371 --
Of disobedience, or unduteous title;
Since therein she doth evitate and shun
A thousand irreligious cursed hours,
Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.
Ford.
Stand not amaz'd: here is no remedy:—
In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state;
Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.
Fal.
I am glad, though you have ta'en a special
stand to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanc'd.
Page.
Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy!
What cannot be eschew'd, must be embrac'd.
Eva.
I will dance and eat plums at your wedding.
Fal.
When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are
chac'd.
Mrs. Page.
Well, I will muse no further:—Master Fenton,
Heaven give you many, many merry days!—
Good husband, let us every one go home,
And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire;
Sir John and all.
Ford.
Let it be so:—Sir John,
To master Brook you yet shall hold your word;
For he, to-night, shall lye with mistress Ford. [Exeunt omnes.
