Audrey.
Jaq.
There is, sure, another flood toward, and
these couples are coming to the Ark. 6 note
Here come a
pair of very strange beasts, which in all tongues are
call'd fools.
Clo.
Salutation, and greeting, to you all!
Jaq.
Good, my Lord, bid him welcome. This
is the motley-minded gentleman, that I have so
often met in the forest: he hath been a Courtier, he
swears.
Clo.
If any man doubt that, let him put me to my
purgation. I have trod a measure; I have flatter'd a
lady; I have been politick with my friend, smooth
with mine enemy; I have undone three taylors; I have
had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.
Jaq.
And how was That ta'en up?
Clo.
'Faith, we met; and found, the quarrel was
upon the seventh cause.7 note
Jaq.
How the seventh cause?—Good my lord, like
this fellow.
Duke Sen.
I like him very well.
Clo.
God'ild you, Sir, I desire you of the like:8 note I
press in here, Sir, amongst the rest of the country copulatives,
to swear, and to forswear, according as
-- 101 --
marriage binds, and blood breaks9 note
—a poor virgin,
Sir, an ill-favour'd thing, Sir, but mine own—
a poor humour of mine, Sir, to take That that no
man else will. Rich honesty dwells like a miser, Sir,
in a poor house; as your pearl, in your foul oyster.
Duke Sen.
By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.
Clo.
According to the fool's bolt, Sir, and such dulcet
diseases.* note
Jaq.
But, for the seventh cause; how did you find
the quarrel on the seventh cause?
Clo.
Upon a lye seven times removed; (bear your
body more seeming, Audrey) as thus, Sir; I did dislike
the cut of a certain Courtier's beard;1 note
he sent me
word, if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in
the mind it was. This is call'd the Retort courteous.
If I sent him word again, it was not well cut, he
would send me word, he cut it to please himself. This
is call'd the Quip modest. If again, it was not well cut,
he disabled my judgment. This is call'd the Reply
churlish. If again, it was not well cut, he would answer,
I spake not true. This is call'd the Reproof
valiant. If again, it was not well cut, he would say,
I lye. This is call'd the Countercheck quarrelsome; and
so, the Lye circumstantial, and the Lye direct.
-- 102 --
Jaq.
And how oft did you say, his beard was not
well cut?
Clo.
I durst go no further than the Lye circumstantial;
nor he durst not give me the Lye direct, and so
we measur'd swords and parted.
Jaq.
Can you nominate in order now the degrees of
the Lye?
Clo.
2 noteO Sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as
you have books for good manners. I will name you
-- 103 --
the degrees. The first, the Retort courteous; the
second, the Quip modest; the third, the Reply churlish;
the fourth, the Reproof valiant; the fifth, the
Countercheck quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lye with
circumstance; the seventh, the Lye direct. All these
you may avoid, but the Lye direct; and you may
avoid that too, with an If. I knew, when seven Justices
could not take up a quarrel; but when the parties
were met themselves, one of them thought but
of an If; as, if you said so; then I said so; and they
shook hands, and swore brothers. Your If is the only
peace-maker; much virtue in If.
Jaq.
Is not this a rare fellow, my Lord? he's good
at any thing, and yet a fool.
Duke Sen.
He uses his folly like a stalking horse,
and under the presentation of that he shoots his wit.
Samuel Johnson [1765], The plays of William Shakespeare, in eight volumes, with the corrections and illustrations of Various Commentators; To which are added notes by Sam. Johnson (Printed for J. and R. Tonson [and] C. Corbet [etc.], London) [word count] [S11001].
