PREFACE.

The author, in sending forth to the world a parody on perhaps the most popular tragedy of the immortal Shakspeare, is aware that he subjects himself to something in shape of apology, for (as it may in some measure be termed) an attempt at ridicule! and he flatters himself his exertions in this point need not be very elaborate, as that task is already in part performed, when he refers the reader to Mr. Poole's parody on Hamlet, which is undoubtedly by far the most masterly production of the poet; for in the opinion of the author of Richard Travestie, Shakspeare's tragedy of King Richard the Third is far inferior to Hamlet, Macbeth, Othello, &c.;—but be it understood that he would say in the closet! and not upon the stage, where it is the most successful of his writings. It exhibits passions which excite an interest of the highest magnitude with the audience, and gives full scope for the actor to display those passions, which perhaps are more numerous, and advance in more rapid succession than in any other

character; consequently they arouse a still greater interest at every change, in the breast of the spectator as well as the actor.

The author of this parody does not only uphold Hamlet Travestie as an apology! no, he flatters himself that the present writers of dramatic productions avail themselves of advancing excuses for him in almost every piece that is now produced at even our Theatres Royal.

When writing becomes a man's sole dependance for support, and he attaches himself to the drama, and when the managers of the theatres have by dint of perseverence, prevailed on and quite absorbed the faculties of the public into a degrading infatuation, by totally eclipsing good sense with diabolical vagueness of style, which not only glaringly exhibits a total disregard to all propriety, but to speak in the language of Homer—
“Jove bears the thunder in his red right hand,
“And while he sits—the other gods must stand!
“Let him speak that, which all true sense defies,
“A peal of laughter rolls along the skies!”

Thus with our gods who croud the playhouse round,
Submissive stoop to lick the very ground!
While Roscius triumphs with unbounded sway,
Laughs in his sleeve—for which the gods all pay! When, as before observed, a man depends solely upon his writings, and things have come to such a crisis, he must though perhaps involuntary forego all in point of equity, and endeavour to compose as great nonsense as possible, before he can satisfy the cravings of nature, which ardently murmur, and make us blush for our own.

It may perhaps be unnecessary to apprize the reader of the great success that Mr. Poole's Hamlet met with in the closet; and of its total failure on the stage; the author with this criterion has compressed Richard the Third into two acts, which still embrace the leading features of the play; it being his opinion that Hamlet Travestie owes its failure to its length, and there is a possibility of making people laugh till they cry! for which he has no ambition.

Persons Represented.
King Henry VI [King Henry the Sixth], [Ghost of King Henry]. in Quod and the Dumps, gets killed by Glo'ster, gives up the Ghost for a Ghost's Post, is Whitewashed in Limbo, and comes out. taking the Benefit of the Act, in the last Act of the Piece. Prince of Wales, a Billy Goat without a Beard. Duke of York, a Dunghill Cock. Richard, Duke of Glo'ster, a little, crooked, fierce-looking Man, with a hoarse Voice, carrotty Whiskers, and long Spurs; fond of Cutting and Maiming; a second Sixteen-string Jack, with Nine Lives like a Cat; a bit of a Miller—always draws a crowded House at his Benefit; but in his last Engagement, receives a Muzzler from Richmond, (the Black) which does him up Brown. Duke of Buckingham, his Ear-wig and Bottle Holder. Duke of Norfolk, training in Glo'ster's Train. Richmond, a well-known Player at All-Fives. Lord Stanley, his Father-in-law, very Plump and Fat, with Two Faces under One Hat Catesby [Sir William Catesby], a notorious Villain, employed by the Duke of Glo'ster to do dirty work. Ratcliff [Sir Richard Ratcliff], a light-fingered, light-footed Swoddy. Blunt [Sir James Blount], a sharp Blade, down to a keen hit, if handled roughly. Oxford [Earl of Oxford], an Oxfordshire Bull. Lieutenant of the Tower [Sir Robert Brahenbury], a soft-hearted Screwsman. Lord Mayor [Lord Mayor of London], not the Night Mare, but a horse-looking Jockey. Tirrel [Sir James Tyrrel], a Costermonger, lodging with Mrs. Levy, Dealer in MARINE STORES, who keeps a Fencing Ken in Rag Fair. Forest, a Costermonger, lodging with Mrs. Levy, Dealer in MARINE STORES, who keeps a Fencing Ken in Rag Fair. Dighton, a Costermonger, lodging with Mrs. Levy, Dealer in MARINE STORES, who keeps a Fencing Ken in Rag Fair. Queen [Margaret], a disconsolate Widow. Lady Anne, a Widow bewitched, soft, yielding, and pliable, fond of Glo'ster Cheese and a drap of Blue Ruin. Duchess of York, a second Mother Shipton. [Tressel], [Guard], [Chorus], [Ghost of Queen Anne], [Ghost of Prince Edward], [Mob], [Ghost of Richard]

TRAVESTIE.

KING RICHARD III. ACT I. SCENE I. —The Tower. Enter Glo'ster, L. H.

Glo.
Now are our mugs bound up with napkins,
Our broken heads, like broken pipkins
Patch'd with court plaister—but the sun of York
Shines so upon our cribs, it fries like pork!
Fierce phized war has smooth'd his tripey jowls,
And now, instead of mounting—by goles,
He to the lady's snoozing-ken doth hop,
And all the blessed night with her doth stop,
To listen to her thrumming on the lute,
And tip her “Off she goes” upon his flute.

But I, that am not made for larking tricks,
To play on flutes made out of walking sticks;
I, that am not made for woman's whims;
I, that am call'd the second Duke of Limbs!
I, that for a dandy surely ne'er was cut,
With quizzing glass and flash girl to strut!
Then since this earth affords no fun for me,
While others round me spend their days in glee;
Why then to me this bustling world's but dead,
Till this my bread basket's aspiring head,
Stop the same hole that Harry's block hath fill'd,—
To stop a hole, 'faith many a one's been kill'd.
This night before he can reach the bannister,
With my fist will I split his cannister. [Exit, R. H. SCENE II. —King Henry's Chamber. King Henry discovered sleeping; enter Lieutenant, R. H. D.

Air, “Good morrow to your night cap.” Lieu.
Oh, King Harry you no doubt
  Find sleep how very sweet it is,

He little dreams what Dick's about,
  So dosey is that pate of his;
    Awake, awake, it's break of day!
    D&wblank;e, how he snores away!
Come move your stumps; my king of trumps,
  And douse your worsted night cap.

King H. (waking)
Who's there, lieutenant, is it you?

Lieu.
The same, my lord, how do you do?

King H.
Oh, I have had such dreams, that I
Do fear—

Lieu.
Dreams are all my eye!

King H.
Reach me a book, I'll try if reading can
Remove or scare the mulligrubs from man. [Lieutenant gives him a book, which he takes from the table. Enter Glo'ster, R. H. D.

Glo.
Good day, my lord; what are you reading?
Begone, fellow, learn good breeding. (to Lieu. [Exit Lieutenant, R. H. D.

King H.
Dicky's down to nicks, I find.

Glo.
Suspicion always haunts the kiddy's mind.

King H.
When thieves in spite of gallows rob and kill,
'Tis time that they were sent to Brixton Mill.
I've now the butcher in my eye,
By whom my boy was doom'd to die.

Glo.
Why, what a stupid ugly owl,
To teach his son the office of a fowl!
You should have taught your boy his pray'rs alone,
And then his life I'd scorn to bone.

King H.
If you'll listen, I'll tip you a song
Of my own composing—it is'nt long.

Glo.
The shorter the better.

King H.
This is the matter.

Air, “The White Cockade.” King H.
In London town, as most folks know,
A duchess leads a life of woe,
She's got a son with a face like tan,
Known by the name of the hump back man.
When she lay-in with this hump back man,
He'd teeth in his head had this hump back man.
The midwife out of the room she ran,
Quite scar'd at the sight of the hump back man.

Dogs bark'd, cocks crow'd, and asses bray'd,
The brute creation were all afraid,
Some stood, some flew, and others ran,
As the devil had kick'd 'em from the hump back man.
He is such a wicked hump back man,
A murd'ring thief is this hump back man;
And if I guess aright his plan,
I know I'm down to the hump back man.

Glo.
I'll hear no more—no prophecy for me;
Die and be d&wblank;n'd! die game, my kiddy.

King H.
Die game I cannot! oh, no, no,
But I must die just so, so—oh! [Dies very gently.

Air, “Oh Lady Fair” Glo.
What, have I floor'd good Mister Lanky!
Rise, if you dare, again on your flanky.
If you're alive, pray be so civil
As move—I send you to the devil!
Down, down to Hell, you'll soon be drawn in. King H.
I go, I go!—Dickey, good morning! [Lies down again. Glo.
Yes, he told true and not a crammer,
I came in this world, surely to d&wblank;n her.
'Twas her report—the midwife's to bind hers,
Swore that I was born with sharp grinders,

Which signified I'll snarl and bite, O,
And in all mischief take delight, O.
I go, I go—but Neddy's still reigning,
When he ground sweats—I'll count my gaining. [Exit, R. H. D. SCENE III. —Ludgate. Enter Tressel, L. H. meeting Lord Stanley, who enters R. H. U. E.

DUETT.—Air, “Sure such a day.”
Sure such a day, for quarter day is nothing to it,
  Such a day as this there surely never was;
Murder and bloodshead, they say's the only thing to do it,
  And bring of all the days the last to us, that's poz.
Raw head and bloody bones, death and skeletons to day they say,
Have stalk'd about, and walk'd about, and frighten'd all the folks away,
Yet crooked Dick with death shows his agility,
They range, and say on change depends this world's impertubility!
Sure such a day, &c.

Stan.
But see, he comes this way, and looks with anger big,
I think my friend, we'd better hop the twig. [Exeunt, R. H. U. E. Enter Glos'ter in a hurry, L. H.

Air, “Black Joke.” Glo.
Alas! Queen Anne, she keeps no bed,
With piping her eye she's got mighty red,
  With her sob, sigh, get out! oh, my!
She's health enough an if she chuse
To walk to Chertsey, wear out her shoes,
Of me she cannot bear the sight—
Well—I cannot blame her—she's right, she's right,
  With her sob, sigh, get out! oh fye!
But see, but see my love appears,
With sighs I will melt her, and drown her with tears,
  With my ram 'em, cram 'em, nothing like gammon.
'Tis true my form may little move,
But a lover myself I will soon prove,
I'll wink and blink, and tip her the chink,
And if she refuses, I'll ask her to drink,
  And treat her to oysters and pickled salmon. [Retires, R. H.

Enter Lady Anne in mourning, Lord Stanley Tressel, Guards, and Bearers with King Harry's Body, R. H. U. E.

Lady A. (advancing to the centre of the Stage)
Oh! may duke Richard, who shed king Harry's blood,
Fall in a ditch over his head in mud.

Glo. (advancing)
Hallo! you body snatchers, set it down.

Gua.
Move one foot, and we'll crack your crown.

Glo.
Villains, set it down! or, by Saint Paul,
I'll upset your load and bang you all.

Lady A.
What is't you want? begone, I say.

Glo.
Be not so hard for charity!

Lady A.
Be gone, your head is carroty.

Air, “Go, George, I can't endure you.” Lady A.
Go, Dick, you're much to blame, sir,
  To get at such a game, sir,
I wonder were you ever found the cheek to woo me now!
  Your suit is all in vain,
  I tell you so again,
  So no more I tell you, but
  The string you'd better cut,

Come brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush;
  Come mizzle, hop the twig;
Come brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush;
  Or off I'll pull your wig! (Pulls off his wig and throws it away.

Air, “Since Kathleen has prov'd so untrue.” Glo.
Now then without ever a word,
Rum ti iddity, &c.
First hold my sharp pointed sword,
With your rum ti iddity, &c.
King Henry to be sure I did stab,
Rum ti iddity, &c.
But never once thought he would blab,
With his rum ti iddity, &c.
Young Edward I stuck in the breast,
Rum ti iddity, &c. (She offers to strike.
But thy beauty it must be confest,
Made me rum ti iddity, &c.
To rejoice at this deed I was bent,
Rum ti iddity, &c. (She offers to strike.
But thy eyes hath made mine penitent.
Rum ti iddity, &c. (She drops the sword.

Take up the sword, here's my heart,
Rum ti iddity, &c. (She turns away.
Would you choose a cheese cake or a tart?
With RUM, ti iddity, &c.

Air, “Oh Miss Bailey.” Lady A.
Of all the cheese that's in the world, O give to me plain Glo'ster,
For 'tis the cheese that was so liked by my friend Miss Foster.
There's Mister Maggot the cheesemonger, she would against his house rap,
Till by eating too much cheese, she made her mouth a mouse trap!

Air, “Nancy Dawson.” Glo.
Since Glo'ster is my name you know,
And Glo'ster with you seems all the go,
We'll have blue ruin, if you'll go
  To All-max in the east, O.
But if blue ruin you refuse,
For yourself you must begin to choose,
Most ladies comfort drams do use,
  But, don't make yourself a beast O.

Lady A.
Your choice I like—we'll have quarterns two,
I'll drink untill I'm blind— Glo.
So do, Both.
We'll drink away till all is blue, Glo.
  And I will be your flash chap! Lady A.
But if into a ditch I fall? Glo.
Then out again I will you maul, Lady A.
But what if Glo'ster fall and all? Glo.
  Don't make your mouth a mouse trap. [They dance off, L. H. Music playing “Off she goes,” the Bearers stand in the middle with the body; Tressel, Guards, &c. dance round, then exeunt, L. H. U. E. SCENE IV. —Baynard's Castle. Enter Buckingham, hastily L. H. meeting Lord Stanley, R. H.

Air, “Bob and Joan.” Buck.
Have you seen the Duke? Stan.
No, my lord, believe me. Buck.
Your love I've much mistook,
  Or my sad tale will grieve you.
Edward's gone to pot! Stan.
Oh, the drunken jockey.

Buck.
Not so—'tis said he got
  His death by cold, my cockey!

Stan.
Hold! is not that the duchess of York,
Who in a funk does this way walk?

Buck.
It is, my bozzey—stow all lark! Enter Duchess of York, R. H.

Duc. Y.
Good day, my boys; how does the king?

Buck.
Alas! madam; he is no such thing!

Duc. Y.
Dead! oh, Glo'ster! Glo'ster, oh!

Buck.
Yes, 'twas a hard lot,
That he should go to pot;
But pray now do not cry,
For crying's all my eye! Enter Queen, Oxford, and Blunt, L. H.

Queen.
Why do ye to oppose my grief thus scud?
I'd sooner have ye pelt me o'er with mud.
My mother too in tears, I find;
Oh, Dicky, Dicky, thou art mighty kind.

Oh, that my eyes could weep away my soul,
And in my body leave a mighty hole,
Large enough to hold the whole New River,
Alas! alas! the thought! it makes me shiver.

Stan.
Since death has cabbag'd your poor Ned,
Your duty, madam, as a wife is dead;
Altho' he's gone that was most steady,
You know there still remains a Neddy!

Queen.
Alas, that thought is cooler than the former,
Can'st thou not think of something warmer?

Stan.
What says your majesty to a drop of jackey?

Queen.
We've fears for Edward living, and tears for Edward dead,
Curses for crooked Richard, and pokers to break his head!

Buck.
Judge not so hardly of his love,
Your son will find him tender as a dove. Enter Glo'ster, M. D.

Glo.
So, so, these tears look well; sorrow's the go,
And every one at court must wear it now,

With all my heart; for now I feel a passion,
To be prime bang-up in the fashion! [Weeps.

Buck.
See where he comes, sniv'ling for our loss,
His looks are penitent and void of brass.

Glo. (in centre)
Good day, my lords, methinks we meet like quakers.

Buck.
We may remember, if memory don't forsake us,
We should be silent, when blue devils take us!

Glo.
Sister take pluck—we all have cause
To mourn the burning of our rushlight out,
Yet, if we'd burnt another's, so say our laws,
Grim Newgate's gates had made us pout;
So we must weep, because we weep in vain,
Come, let the sun shine after rain.

Air, “Come let us dance and sing.” Glo.
Now let us have a dance,
For that's the way they do in France,
Why don't you all advance,
  To drive dull care away.

All the day let's dance and play,
The blind fiddler I will pay,
We will drink, 'till we blink,
  To drive dull care away. Chorus,
Now let us have a dance, &c. [They waltz off, L. H. SCENE V. —A Room in Crosby Palace. Lady Anne discovered seated on a Couch.

Air, “Heigho! says Rowley!” Lady A.
When first I fell in love, heigho!
Heigho! said Nancy.
'Twas with a well made, dashing beau,
At first I thought him quite the go,
  With his bow and scrape, and yards of tape,
Oh, yes! he took my fancy.
But him I drop'd like a hot potato;
Heigho! said Nancy.
Saying, get you hence, for you I hate, O,
If you do not brush, I'll crack your pate, O,
  You dandy fop, you'd better hop,
Skip, jump, away from Nancy.
The next that came he won my heart,
Heigho! my fancy.

Both day and night he made it smart,
He knew how to play his part,
  With his trying, sighing, melting, dying,
He soon got over Nancy!
But of these joys I was too fond,
Heigho! said Nancy!
Dick murder'd him, but don't abscond,
I wish he'd cross'd the Herring Pond,
  With an escort, from court, in a transport,
But not on board the Nancy! [Sits down and weeps. Enter Glo'ster, L. H. D.

Glo.
What! still in tears! why don't she die?
She can't for ever pipe her eye;
Then die she must, and quickly too,
For I've another one in view;
And since my heart a tenant now must lose,
'Tis time I should another lodger choose.
So, ma'am, you still take care, I see,
To make the world believe we don't agree;
I'd have you tell the world our parting
Would break your heart—

Lady A.
And so I would, but they would call it gammon,
'Tis vain to fish for flats among the salmon;
Have I deserv'd all this, that scold you must?

Glo.
You have; you do not please me as at first.

Lady A.
What have I done? to know I've giv'n this jewel,
Unless the singeing of your last night's gruel,
Lies heavy on your heart, and makes you cruel.

Glo.
No singed oatmeal batter have we here,
Nor singed love! the flame burns clear,
Hotter and hotter than Welch rabbits,
The fair Elizabeth my breast inhabits.
Now wert thou not afraid of arsenic's power,
You might the ghost give up this very hour! Lady Anne goes to the Scene, takes down a Picture, and advances towards Glo'ster.

Air, “Mark a poor desolate maid.” Lady A.
Ah, mark a poor widow just made,
By a second false husband betray'd.

Behold now her white dish clout cheek,
All the monsters ill usage bespeak;
And here kneels the poor harmless dupe,
Who scarcely is able to stoop;
And here stands the rogue like a fixture,
Start not! start not, 'tis but a picture.
Behold in her poor half starv'd face,
What would an old miser disgrace;
And gaze on those outlines of care,
That would almost the devil scare.
Ah, say do you know who she is?
Pray can you remember her phiz?
I well know the rogue like a fixture;
Start not! start not, 'tis but a picture.

Glo.
'Tis false I say, I loved you once; but I
Must cut the string—and now I'll tell you why.
I took you first as sailors take tobacco,
Your virtue gone, you now become a hack.

Lady A.
Oh!

Air, “False man, you courted Sally.” Lady A.
False man, you courted Anne, O,
  With punch you fill'd her noddle;
Yes, yes, you wicked man, O,
  Untill she could not waddle.
And then you basely took, O,
  Advantage of her weakness,

And now quite big you look, O,
  And triumph o'er her meekness.
But I'll not stay another day,
  To be by you tormented;
No, blow me if I do, I say,
  It shall be all resented. [Exit, R. H. Enter Buckingham, L. H. D.

Glo.
Now coz, what's the news? come say,
A pretty decent time you stay;
What say the citizens?

Buck.
Why, they
All seem with fear, to be struck dead!
Or dumb as herrings that are red.

Glo.
And did you to these cursed dastards,
Touch on Edward's brats—as bastards?

Buck.
I did; and then of his contract
With amorous Lucy* ^note

His own bastardy, his cowardice!
I told 'em that you floor'd him twice.
And how you mill'd the Scottish man,
Who was the champion of the clan!
I said that you was down to fibbing,
You too could handle well the ribbing.

So when I drew towards a close,
And in my fogle blew my nose,
I urg'd them all now not to stick
At crying out “Long live King Dick!”

Glo.
Well, did they so?

Air, “Bartholomew Fair.” Buck.
Not one, upon my soul,
Was there among the whole,
But they all stood like statues,
Yet none of them refuse;
In one another's phizzes,
Now each rascal quizzes,
  My eyes! how they did stare O
    The Lord Mayor, said beware,
    By an order, the Recorder,
    Will relate, what you prate,
    So push on!—whereupon,
    This magpie,—are you fly?
  Like a counsellor did tare O.
When he had done his speech,
I expected it from each;
But scarce ten voices cried,
“Long live King Dick!”—I ey'd
'Em out, bowed, and then.
Took advantage of the ten,
  Crying “Thanks, Citizens!” oh, rare O!

Glo.
Oh, tongueless blocks! thanks for thy patter;
But will the Mayor not come?

Buck.
I hear his clatter;
Your brains you'd best pretend to addle,
With a pray'r book stuck in your daddle,
Standing with a bishop—but beware,
He is not the Bishop of Clo&wblank;.
Seem like the virgin, fearful to disclose
Your wishes—keep all under the rose!

Glo.
We cannot fail, my boy, while you are firm,
You are myself—and I'll be soon Maw-worm. [Exit in a hurry, R. H. D. Enter Lord Mayor, and Suite, L. H.

Buck.
Welcome, my lord; I've knock'd, but all in vain.

May.
Will no one answer?

Buck.
No!

May.
Then knock again. [Buckingham knocks R. H. D.

Enter Glo'ster, R. H. D. in a long Cloak and large Hat, with a Candle in one hand and a Prayer Book in the other.

Air—From “Don Giovanni.” Glo.
What profane wretch dare knock at my street door,
  While I am at my prayers? Buck.
We saw a light in your first floor,
  And wish'd to walk up stairs. Glo.
    A Charlie could I see,
    I'd give charge of thee,
To the round house you should go. Buck.
    How is this—surely
    You sham Abraham!—why
Don't you your own friends know? Glo.
Come brush—I never saw your snouts before
  You seem to be a set of mummers. Buck.
Pray look again, before you shut the door,
  From the City we are comers!
    How you stare—the Lord Mayor,
    With Citizens so rare,
Come here to make you their king. Glo.
    A preaching I go,
    And now I say blow
Me, if they do any such thing.

May. (kneels with Suite.)
Upon our marrowbones you see,
We come to beg this suit of thee;
That is, that you would wear the crown;
Oh, do not let that suit be brown!

Glo.
Cease I pray, no more beseeching,
You see I want to go a preaching.

Buck.
Good day, my lords, 'tis all in vain. [Exeunt, L. H. D.

Cat.
Pray do be king!

Glo.
Call him again. [Catesby crosses and exits, L. H. D.

Air—From “Don Giovanni.” Glo.
It seems to be King, you now will enforce me,
  In spite of my teeth, I must then comply;
That I am against it, you must of course see,
  For that you may twig sure with half an eye. Re-enter Buckingham and Catesby, L. H. D. Buckingham crosses to Glo'ster. Glo.
Good cousin, and sage men, so grave looking,
  Since you will buckle a load on my back,

I must carry it, though I declare it's quite shocking,
  To make a porter of me, to make a porter of me,
And give me a load that my poor neck will crack! Buck.
My heart is so full, I can't speak a word, O,
  I'm dumb as a post, tho' some folks have it deaf,
Come down on your marrows, and try to be heard, O. [All kneel.
  Long live King Dick, to cut up roast beef!
So now we'll go and make preparation, May.
  To-morrow you shall be crowned outright,
We go and give orders for your coronation,
  Have all in prime style, have all in prime style, Glo.
And I'll go to prayers, and wish you good night. Exeunt Buckingham, Lord Mayor & Train, L. H. D. Glo'ster, R. H. D. END OF THE FIRST ACT.

ACT II. SCENE I. —The Presence Chamber, Discovering King Richard seated, Buckingham, Catesby, Ratcliff, &c.

King R.
Keep all your distance— [Exeunt all the Court, but Buck. Rat. and Cat. R. H.
Cousin, a pig's whisper with you,—

Buc.
My king!—

King R.
At length by thy advice, my cousin,
And gammon, pitch'd to many a dozen,
Is Glo'ster bang up on the English Throne;
But say, my coz, is this all our own?
Young Neddy lives—so does his brother York!
Now think what I would say—and take a chalk.

Buc.
Out with it!

King R.
I tell thee, coz, I've lately had two moneys
Get in my way—and Glo'ster in a funk is.
Now though thy foot has kick'd 'em from my sight,
Yet do I fear that all will not go right!
I tell thee, cousin, that I would be king.

Buc.
And so you are.

King R.
Am I? no such thing.
Edward still lives—

Buc.
My lord, I know it.

King R.
What, a'nt you down to me, then?

Buc.
Yes, go it.

King R.
Shall I be plain? I wish the monkeys dead
And I would have thee smother them in bed.

Buc.
Since it is deed that cannot be recall'd,
And when performed—cannot be forestall'd;
Allow me some short time for thinking,
I'll go and resolve it in a twinkling. [Exit, L. H.

King R.
I'll henceforth deal with shorter sighted asses,

Those who on their noses carry glasses;
The best on't is—I may not want his aid.
Come hither, Cat—where is that same blade,
That Tirrel, whom you spoke to me about?

Cat.
At Mrs. Levy's in Rag Fair.

King R.
No doubt.
Methought you said she kept a fencing ken.

Cat.
I did—and let's out rooms to smashing men.

King R.
He is the very man—give him this ring,
And further orders to him I will bring. [Exit Catesby, R. H. D.
Hark thee, Rat, when saw you Anne my wife?
What says the doctor—is she long for life?

Rat.
He fears her much.

King R.
But he's a good physician!

Rat.
I hope she'll mend—she's in a bad condition. [Exit, L. H. D.

King R.
And if she does, then blow me tight,
I'll make him send her home to night. [Exit, R. H. D.

Enter Buckingham, L. H.

Buc.
What gone! then I am left mum-chance,
Was ever fellow yet led such dance?
I'll turn my coat, and scud to Richmond;
I will, by jingo!

Air, “The young May Moon.” Buc.
Now half the world is fast asleep,
I to Richmond safe may creep;
I'll set off by flight, in the dead of the night,
And I'll reach Windmill Street, before daylight peep.
I'll floor all Charlies in my way,
Should they attempt ought to say,
Their lanthorns I'll grab, and their rattles I'll nab,
And I'll push on keep moving to Windmill Street. [Exit, L. H. SCENE II. —A Chamber in the Tower. Enter Tirrel, Dighton, and Forrest, L. H.

Digh.
Come, gents, have you concluded on the manner.

For.
Yes, Tirrel for a bob and a tanner,

Will do the job.

Tir.
Quick, and stow the darkey,
The screw's man's coming up the stairs—hark, he
Comes this way. Enter Lieutenant, R. H.
Now sir, have you got the keys?

Lieu.
I have.

Tir.
Then hand 'em this way, if you please. [Giving a Ring.

Lieu. (giving the Keys.)
That way, gents, you have no need of me,
Good night—what a smashing looking three. [Exeunt Lieutenant, L. H. the others, R. H. Enter King Richard through M. D.

King R.
Would this wicked deed were o'e
Of tanners I'd give twenty score;
T'would cure me of the devils blue,
The mulligrubs, and head-ache to;

Hark! they're at the job—I hear a scuffle,
I'd better cut my sticks, and shuffle. [Going. Enter Tirrel, L. H.
Oh, its Tirrel—say, have you done the deed?
Is it finished?

Tir.
It is, my lord, indeed.

King R.
Say, hast thou stop'd their wizzens,
Or in their throats made large incisions?

Tir.
We scragg'd 'em with the darbies.

King R.
Say you so!
But are they dead?

Tir.
Dead as Abraham Blow,
The Whitechapel knackerman, who fell
Into his boiler, hotter far than hell.

King R.
Go, get a sack half full of stones,
And ram them in;—to Davy Jones
Then send 'em. Come, brush, begone,

Tir.
It shall be done before the morn. [Exit, R. H.

Enter Catesby, L. H.

Cat.
My lord.

King R.
How now, what's the row?

Cat.
Morton has fled to Richmond; Buckingham
Has joined the party of the bold Dutch Sam.
At Moulsey Hurst they all intend to meet,
And give us amateurs a precious treat.

King R.
They do! then d&wblank;n me if I will retreat!
Let's muster boys; Richard's Richard still,
We'll have a regular set-to or mill! [Exeunt, L. H. SCENE III. —The neighbourhood of St. Paul's. Enter Queen and Duchess of York, R. H.

Air, “Oh, rest thee, babe.” Queen.

Oh snooze on, my kinchins,* ^note
  Thy dad's dead—good lack!
Thy mother's a widow,
  All clothed in black!

Those rooms and those halls,
  In the Tower where you be,
They all should belong,
  My dear kiddeys to thee.
Oh! rest thee, brats; rest thee, brats;
  Snooze on 'till day;
Oh! rest thee, brats; rest thee, brats;
  And snooze away!

Oh! rest thee, my kinchins,
  Thy doom it is cast;
When Glo'ster, that rascal,
  Will make you sleep fast.
Then rest thee, my kinchins,
  Oh! snooze while you may;
Perhaps you'll no more twig,
  The light of the day. [Trumpets, R. H.

Duc. Y.
Hark! he comes this way, the trumpet blows;
Come, wipe away your tears, and blow your nose!
Look fresh, and blow him up!

Enter King Richard and Catesby, with Forces, through the Gates. Trumpets sound a March.

King R.
Who stops the gangway, there?

Queen.
One who will make every hair of thine,
Stiffer than the bristles of the swine!
Where are my children, hedge-hog? quickly say,

Duc. Y.
Clarence?

Queen.
Hastings?

Duc. Y.
Rivers?

Queen.
Vaughan?

Duc. Y.
Or Grey?

King R.
Strike up the drum; play Paddy Carey,
Or any thing that's brisk and airy;
Scare these wild swine hence! beat, beat, I say. [Drums and Fifes play Paddy Carey.
You'd best be quiet, hold yonr cursed jaw,
Or they shall play “The honors of war.”

Duc. Y.
Bad luck attend you to the battle,
Rough music in your ears for ever rattle. [Exit, R. H.

Queen.
Though I have cause to say much more,
I've only power to say, encore. [Going.

King R.
Stop—you have a daughter, called Bet.

Queen.
Must she die too?

King R.
Die! oh, no! here, take a drop of wet. [Hands a Bottle which he takes from his Pocket.

Air, “Cease your funning.” Queen.
Cease your blarney, and your carney,
  To seduce my daughter Bet,
All the Gin, Sir, that's within, Sir,
  I've a mind for to upset,
T'is most certain, the bed curtain,
  Never shall enclose you both;
You would woo her, and undo her,
  But you'll find her very loath.

Air, “Bob and Joan.” King R.
For all the spite you've shown,
  I care not for your clatter;
Keep your Girl at home,
  Or else I will be at her.

I swear that she and I,
  Must shortly come together;
For d&wblank;n me, I would die,
  E'er she should have another. [Goes up the Stage and sends Ratcliff off, L. H.

Queen.
What shall I say? I'll seemingly comply,
And say to him what now is all my eye.
Glo'ster, I'll do all I can,
And more, if possible, you wicked man,
I will forget the murder'd Anne.

King R.
My heart goes with you—tis sold—tis bought! [Exit Queen, R. H.
Relenting, crabbed, carbuncled, mott! Enter Ratcliff, L. H.

Rat.
Most gracious Sovereign, on the Western coast,
In four oar'd cutter, rides a host—

King R.
Of what?

Rat.
Swoddies, my lord! [Exit, L. H.

King R.
Come here, Cat. post to the duke of Norfolk,
Bid him muster all his war folk.
Quick! mizzle! scud!
Hold! commend me to the blood. [Exit Catesby, R H. Enter Lord Stanley, L. H.
Now then, Stanley, let us have no humming!

Stan.
Richmond's on the Thames, and coming.

King R.
'Tis like he means to set the Thames afire.

Stan.
I know not; if you please, I will enquire.

King R.
What! you would his bottle holder be?

Stan.
You have no cause to doubt my loyalty.

King R.
Away then—hold! come back!
And let me have none of your clack.
I've thought a way to make you faster,
'Twill fix you firm as Paris plaster,
Your son, George, I'll have him left behind;
And if you brush, he dies!—now mind. [Exit Stanley, R. H.

Enter Catesby, R. H.

Cat.
My liege, bold Richmond, with Dutch Sam and others,
At Moulsey Hurst are landed;
But Richmond says he wants no brothers,
He'll bang you well left handed!

King R.
Why here's a precious row: Ho! my ass!
Go, Catesby, fetch bim in from grass.
On ass back I resolve to attack,
In single combat, this aspiring black;
And if I can, his jemmy I will crack! [Exeunt R. H. SCENE IV. —The Country near Moulsey Hurst. Enter Richmond, Oxford, Blunt, and others, L. H. U. E.

Rich.
Thus far we've march'd into the land,
And now I think we'll make a stand.
Glos'ter, that great angry boar and glutton,
Whose appetite has stripp'd your fields of mutton,

Is now, as I've been told, within a mile.
So have I observed a watery bile,
Rise on my hand, and swell till it did burst,
As he perhaps may cut a swell at first.

Ox.
Your words are hot, my lord, and warm our men.

Rich.
Come, let us go into a boozing ken.
Let every man call for what he likes to day,
And chalk it up to Richmond; he will pay,
'Tis more than Glo'ster to his friends will say.

Ox.
He has no friends, but cowards who do stay,
With him, because they fear to run away.

Rich.
And, we I trust, have got no foes,
But we can mill, or split their nose;
So let us go, and wet our clay,
Before we do begin the fray. [Exeunt, R. H.

SCENE V. —A Wood. Enter King Richard, Ratcliff, Norfolk, and Catesby, L. H.

King R.
Cat.

Cat.
What would your majesty?

King R.
Send out
Some one after Stanley, he's a scout;
Bid him meet me at the George 'fore morn,
For I have gotten his son's head in pawn;
And if he don't redeem it as I say,
Or the full interest now come and pay,
I'll put it up for sale, without delay. [Catesby goes out and returns, L. H.
Good Norfolk, get you to your post,
And of your pluck be sure you make the most.

Nor.
I shall, my lord.

King R.
Saddle grey Neddy
For the field—is ink and paper ready?

Cat.
It is, my lord.

Air, “Giles Scroggins.”
By goles, I think I've got the vapours,
Ri, tol, &c.
Play up louder, cat-gut scrapers,
Ri, tol, &c.
Come forth, my sword, thy hilt is dusty,
Thy sheath doth now look old and musty,
And thy blade has grown quite rusty,
Ri, tol, &c.
Here, take it, Catesby, to be ground,
Ri, tol, &c.
For the edge is now quite round,
Ri, tol, &c.
Then haste, my Catesby, haste away,
It must be done without delay,
Hold! here's the blunt which you must pay,
Ri, tol, &c. [Giving him money. [Exeunt King Richard, R. H. Catesby and Ratcliff, L. H.

SCENE VI. —Richard's Tent. Enter Richard, from the Tent.

Air, “Hey, randy dandy, O.” King R.
'Tis now the very dead of night,
Hey randy, dandy, O!
Tomorrow we must up and fight,
A dev'lish black-looking dandy, O!
Some how or other I can't snooze,
Hey randy, dandy, O!
So I myself will now amuse,
By laying all things handy, O!
I'll fetch a walk a little way,
Hey randy, dandy, O!
Lord! what a smell of new mown hay,
Where maidens roll so randy, O!
This night, it is so precious dark,
Hey randy, dandy, O!
I cannot see them toy and lark,
Tho' they're to me quite handy, O!
Steed threatens steed, so loud they neigh,
Hey randy, dandy, O!
And hark! I hear a jackass bray,
From a cart all sandy, O!

Hear from booth to booth loud laughter burst,
Hey randy, dandy, O!
Sure half the world's at Moulsey Hurst,
To see me fight the dandy, O!
By the clink of knives and forks, I'm up,
Hey randy, dandy, O!
Some parties in the booths do sup,
Where ham and beef is handy O!
I'll to my couch and lay me down,
Hey randy, dandy, O!
But first I'll look for my night gown,
To hide my pins so bandy, O! [Puts on a Night Gown and Cap.
But hold! there's something else surely,
Hey randy, dandy, O!
I had forgot to wet my eye,
With a drop of brandy, O! [Drinks. A Groan is heard.
Hark! what means that dismal noise,
Hey randy, dandy, O!
I suppose it was the flash sand boys,
With the cart so sandy, O!
No matter now, for sleep I will,
Hey randy, dandy, O!
And blow me, if they don't keep still,
I'll upset all their sandy, O! [Lies down and sleeps.

King Henry's Ghost rises.

Air, “Happy Tawny Moor.” King H.
Sleep! cruel Dickey, sleep! and snore, O!
While with dreams your sconce I bore, O!
  Snooze, snooze and snore away!
  Till it is break of day.
Dream, dream about the time you run me
Right through the guts and undone me,
  Oh! Oh! story of woe,
  I soon must go below! Lady Anne's Ghost rises.

Air, “Madam Sneak.”
Oh, you cruel dog, think on Anne your wife,
I've sent thy grinder word to notch thy rusty knife.
So do not think your deeds will any longer pass,
For Richmond means to floor you slap upon the grass.
Rum ti, &c. The Ghosts of Prince Edward and the Duke of York appear, the Prince with a Bladder tied to a Stick.

Prince E.
Crow, brother, crow! crow like the morning cock!

While I with this good bladder punch his block. [Duke of York crows like a Cock, the Prince beats King Richard about the Head with the Bladder, and they all disappear.

King R. (starting up)
Give me another ass—bind up my wounds!
Have mercy, there I say, you'll break my bones.
Why, how is this? I'm surely dreaming,
And yet I feel it's more than seeming;
Why I could swear I felt his mauley,
And somehow I am very poorly. Enter Catesby.
Who's there?

Cat.
'Tis I; thrice the village cock hath crow'd.

King R.
If he crow'd more than once, why I'll be blow'd.
Oh, Cat, I've had such horrid dreams!

Cat.
Why,
Dreams, my lord, you know are all my eye.

Did Richmond know that a mere dream could fright,
He'd scorn to dare you unto this day's fight.

King R.
Why Catesby, I believe you'r in the right.
Hence, bladders, hence, you threaten here in vain,
I'll make ye burst—and blow ye up again. [Trumpets sound a call.
Hark! the shrill trumpet sounds to ass; away!
For I'll set Richmond on his a&wblank;e to day. [Flourish of Drums and Trumpets, Exeunt, R. H. SCENE VII. —Moulsey Hurst. Enter Richmond, Oxford, and Soldiers, &c. L. H.

Air, “Tyrolese Waltz.” Richm.
  Merrily to the ring, boys,
    Merrily, O, merrily, O.
  Merrily round it sing, boys,
    Merrily, O, merrily, O.
For who's afraid of this crooked blade,
Though he floors all he fights, 'tis said,
  I think that I can mill him,
    Merrily, O, merrily, O.

  Merrily I can box, O.
    Merrily, O, merrily, O.
  And take some tidy knocks, O.
    Merrily, O, merrily, O.
I've learn'd to fib, about the gib,
And I can likewise break a rib,
  So nicely I will drill him,
    Merrily, O, merrily, O. [Drums and Trumpets sound.
  Hark! I hear his drums, O.
    Merrily, O, merrily, O.
  This way now he comes, O.
    Merrily, O, merrily, O.
Let's haste away, without delay,
We'll to the ring, the nearest way,
  And merrily round it sing, boys.
    Merrily, O, merrily, O. [Exeunt, R. H. SCENE VIII. —Another part of the Fields. Enter King Richard on Ass-back, R. H.

King R.
What ho! 'tis Richard calls,
Richard foams, Richard bawls,

Till he is hoarse with bawling,
Still ranting, still calling;
Richmond, I say!—come up Neddy! [Exit, L. H. striking his Spurs into the flank. SCENE IX. —A Wood. Enter Catesby, L. H. with Norfolk, who has got one of his Legs bound up.

Cat.
Come, d&wblank;n the gout, and stir your stumps,
Though fortune's given you many bumps
  Yet never mind her,
For if for her, you care two dumps,
  You'll be behind her. [Exeunt, L. H. Enter King Richard in great disorder, on foot, followed by Ratcliff, L. H.

King R.
An ass! an ass! half a sovereign for an ass.

Rat.
This way, my lord; as I did pass,
I saw one in the field at grass.

King R.
Asses now are all a farce. [Ratcliff runs off, L. H.
No! I'm determin'd not to yield,
If there should be six Richmonds in the field.
An ass! an ass! a sovereign for an ass. [Exit, R. H. SCENE X. —The Prize Ring at Moulsey Hurst. Richmond and Oxford in the Ring; The Mob discovered round it. Enter King Richard, who jumps into the Ring, followed by Catesby. Oxford and Catesby stand as the Bottle-holders.

Air, “Quite politely.” King R.
Of one or both, the time is come,
  I am ready, I am ready. Richm.
Put up your sword, it is all hung,
  Let's set too with our mauleys.

King R.
I'll draw your claret first, I swear. Richm.
I'd have you of your's beware;
Here's at you—I have done it—there! Cat.
  Richmond much too tall is. Mob.
Huzza! huzza! huzza! huzza! King R.
  I am for you. Richm.
  I will floor you. [knocks him down. Mob.
Huzza! huzza! huzza! huzza! King R.
  The devil take yonr mauleys.
You've hit me, verily, I swear,
  Right between, sir, right between, sir,
Two W's* ^note—you know where,
  But now I must not mention.
I'm dish'd—I wish you all good night;
I never more with him will fight,
For into me he's let day light. Richm.
  Such was my iutention. Mob.
Huzza! huzza! huzza! huzza! King R.
  I am done, sir,
  With your fun, sir,
Oh, la! oh, la! oh, la! oh, la!
  You've taken my dimension. [Dies.

King Henry's Ghost rises, R. H.

Air, “Over the Water to Charlie.” King Hen.
Behold I now the ghost give up,
  For I am tir'd of it. Lady Anne's Ghost rises, L. H. Lady A.
And I will keep a brandy shop
  And drink away the profit. King R. (rises)
And I will come and deal with you,
  If folks, you mean to trust 'em;
And those I hope within my view,
  Will give you nightly custom.
Tol de rol, &c. They all Dance, and the Curtain falls. Volume back matter THE END.

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