We soon secured rooms, ordered dinner, brushed
our clothes, and made the other little arrangements
that it was necessary to observe for the credit of
the species. Everything being ready, we left the
inn, and hurried towards the “Palais des Arts et des
Sciences.” We had not got out of sight of the inn,
however, before one of its garçons was at our heels
with a message from his mistress. He told us, in
very respectful tones, that his master was out, and
that he had taken with him the key of the strong-box;
that there was not actually money enough in
the drawer to furnish an entertainment for such
great persons as ourselves, and she had taken the
liberty to send us a bill receipted, with a request
that we would make a small advance, rather than
reduce her to the mortification of treating such distinguished
guests in an unworthy manner. The
bill read as follows:—

No. 1 parti-color and friends
To No. 82,763 grape color	Dr.
To use of apartments, with meals and lights, as per agreement, p. p. 300 per diem—one day,	p. p. 300
By cash advanced,	50
	Balance due p. p. 250

[figure description] Page 006.[end figure description]

“This seems all right,” I observed to Noah; “but
I am, at this moment, as penniless as the good woman
herself. I really do not see what we are to do,
unless Bob sends her back his store of nuts—”

“Harkee, my nimble-go-hop,” put in the seaman,
“what is your pleasure?”

The waiter referred to the bill, as expressing his
mistress's wants.

“What are these p. p. that I find noted in the
bill—play or pay, hey?”

“Promises, of course, your honor.”

“Oh! then you desire fifty promises, to provide
our dinner.”

“Nothing more, sir. With that sum you shall
dine like noblemen—ay, sir, like aldermen.”

I was delighted to find that this worthy class of
beings have the same propensities in all countries.

“Here, take a hundred.” answered Noah, snapping
his fingers, “and make no bones of it. And
harkee, my worthy—lay out every farthing of
them in the fare. Let there be good cheer, and no
one will grumble at the bill. I am ready to buy the
inn, and all it holds, at need.”

The waiter departed well satisfied with these
assurances, and apparently in the anticipation of
good vails for his own trouble.

We soon got into the current that was setting
towards our place of destination. On reaching the
gate, we found we were anxiously expected; for
there was an attendant in waiting, who instantly
conducted us to the seats that were provided for
our special reception. It is always agreeable to be
among the privileged, and I must own that we were
all not a little flattered, on finding that an elevated
tribune had been prepared for us, in the centre of
the rotunda in which the academy held its sittings,
so that we could see, and be seen by, every

[figure description] Page 007.[end figure description]

individual of the crowded assembly. The whole crew,
even to the negro-cook, had preceded us; an additional
compliment, that I did not fail to acknowledge,
by suitable salutations to all the members present.
After the first feelings of pleasure and surprise were
a little abated, I had leisure to look about me and
to survey the company.

The academicians occupied the whole of the
body of the rotunda, the space taken up by the
erection of our temporary tribune alone excepted;
while there were sofas, chairs, tribunes and benches
arranged for the spectators, in the outer circles,
and along the side-walls of the hall. As the edifice
itself was very large, and mind had so essentially
reduced matter in the monikin species, there could
not have been less than fifty thousand tails present.
Just before the ceremonies commenced, Dr. Reasono
approached our tribune, passing from one to
another of the party, saying a pleasant and an encouraging
word to each, in a way to create high expectations
in us all, as to what was to follow. We
were so very evidently honored and distinguished,
that I struggled hard to subdue any unworthy feeling
of pride, as unbecoming human meekness, and
in order to maintain a philosophical equanimity
under the manifestations of respect and gratitude
that I knew were about to be lavished upon even
the meanest of our party. The Doctor was yet in
the midst of his pointed attentions, when the King's
eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender entered,
and the business of the meeting immediately began.
I profited by a short pause, however, to say a few
words to my companions. I told them there would
soon be a serious demand on their modesty. We
had performed a great and generous exploit, and it
did not become us to lessen its merit by betraying
a vain-glorious self-esteem. I implored them all to

[figure description] Page 008.[end figure description]

take pattern by me; promising, in the end, that
their new friends would trebly prize their hardihood,
self-denial and skill.

There was a new member of the academy of
Latent Sympathies to be received and installed. A
long discourse was read by one of this department
of the monikin learning, which pointed out and
enlarged on the rare merits of the new academician.
He was followed by the latter; who, in a very elaborate
production, that consumed just fifty-five
minutes in the reading, tried all he could to persuade
the audience that the defunct was a loss to the world,
that no accident or application would ever repair;
and that he himself was precisely the worst person
who could have been selected to be his successor.
I was a little surprised at the perfect coolness with
which the learned body listened to a reproach, that
was so very distinctly and perseveringly thrown,
as it were, into their very teeth. But a more intimate
acquaintance with monikin society satisfied
me, that any one might say just what he pleased,
so long as he allowed that every one else was an
excellent fellow, and he himself the poorest devil
going. When the new member had triumphantly
established his position, and just as I thought his
colleagues were bound, in common honesty, to
reconsider their vote, he concluded and took his
seat among them, with quite as much assurance as
the best philosopher of them all.

After a short pause, and an abundance of felicitations
on his excellent and self-debasing discourse,
the newly-admitted member again rose, and began
to read an essay on some discoveries he had made
in the science of Latent Sympathies. According to
his account of the matter, every monikin possessed
a fluid which was invisible, like the animalcula
which pervade nature, and which required only

[figure description] Page 009.[end figure description]

to be brought into command, and to be reduced to
more rigid laws, to become the substitutes for the
senses of sight, touch, taste, hearing and smelling.
This fluid was communicable; and had already been
so far rendered subject to the will, as to make it of
service in seeing in the dark, in smelling when the
operator had a bad cold, in tasting when the palate
was down, and in touching by proxy. Ideas had
been transmitted, through its agency, sixty-two
leagues in one minute and a half. Two monikins,
who were afflicted with diseased tails, had, during
the last two years, been insulated and saturated,
and had then lost those embellishments, by operations;
a quantity of the fluid having been substituted
in their places so happily, that the patients fancied
themselves more than ever conspicuous for the
length and finesse of their caudœ. An experiment
had also been successfully tried on a member
of the lower house of parliament, who, being married
to a monikina of unusual mind, had for a long
time been supplied with ideas from this source,
although his partner was compelled to remain
at home, in order to superintend the management
of their estate, forty-two miles from town, during
the whole session. He particularly recommended
to government the promotion of this science, as it
might be useful in obtaining evidence for the purposes
of justice, in detecting conspiracies, in collecting
the taxes, and in selecting candidates for
trusts of a responsible nature. The suggestion was
well received by the King's cousin, more especially
those parts that alluded to sedition and the revenue.

This essay was also perfectly well received by
the savans, for I afterwards found very little came
amiss to the academy: and the members named
a committee forthwith to examine into “the facts

[figure description] Page 010.[end figure description]

concerning invisible and unknown fluids, their agency,
importance, and relations to monikin happiness.”

We were next favored with a discussion on the
different significations of the word gorstchwzyb;
which, rendered into English, means “eh!” The
celebrated philologist who treated the subject, discovered
amazing ingenuity in expatiating on its
ramifications and deductions. First, he tried the
letters by transpositions, by which he triumphantly
proved that it was derived from all the languages
of the ancients; the same process showed that it
possessed four thousand and two different significations;
he next reasoned most ably and comprehensively
for ten minutes, backwards and forwards,
using no other word but this, applied in its various
senses; after which, he incontrovertibly established
that this important part of speech was so useful as
to be useless, and he concluded by a proposition,
in which the academy coincided by acclamation,
that it should be for ever and incontinently expunged
from the Leaphigh vocabulary. As the vote was
carried by acclamation, the King's cousin arose,
and declared that the writer who should so far
offend against good taste, as hereafter to make use of
the condemned word, should have two inches cut off
the extremity of his tail. A shudder among the
ladies, who, I afterwards ascertained, loved to carry
their caudœ as high as our women like to carry their
heads, proved the severity of the decree.

An experienced and seemingly much respected
member now arose to make the following proposal.
He said it was known that the monikin species
was fast approaching perfection; that the increase
of mind and the decrease of matter was so very
apparent as to admit of no denial; that, in his own
case, he found his physical powers diminish daily,
while his mental acquired new distinctness and

[figure description] Page 011.[end figure description]

force; that he could no longer see without spectacles,
hear without a tube, or taste without highseasoning:
from all this he inferred that they were
drawing near to some important change, and he
wished that portion of the science of Latent Sympathies
which was connected with the unknown
fluid, just treated on, might be referred to a committee
of the whole, in order to make some provision
for the wants of a time when monikins should
finally lose their senses. There was nothing to say
against a proposition so plausible and it was accepted
nemine contradicente, with the exception of
a few in the minority.

There was now a good deal of whispering, much
wagging of tails, and other indications that the real
business of the meeting was about to be touched
upon. All eyes were turned on Dr. Reasono, who,
after a suitable pause entered a tribune prepared
for solemn occasions, and began his discourse.

The philosopher, who having committed his essary
to memory, spoke extempore, commenced with a
beautiful and most cloquent apostrophe to learning,
and to the enthusiasm which glows in the
breasts of all her real votaries, rendering them
alike indifferent to their personal ease, their temporal
interests, danger, suffering, and tribulations of
the spirit. After this exordium, which was pronounced
to be unique for its simplicity and truth,
he entered, at once, on the history of his own recent
adventures.

First alluding to the admirable character of that
Leaphigh usage which prescribes the Journey of
Trial, our philosopher spoke of the manner in which
he had been selected to accompany my Lord Chatterino
on an occasion so important to his future
hopes. He dwelt on the physical preparations, the
previous study, and the moral machinery that he

[figure description] Page 012.[end figure description]

had employed with his pupil, before they quitted
town; all of which, there is reason to think, were
well fitted to their objects, as he was constantly
interrupted by murmurs of applause. After some
time spent in dilating on these points, I had, at
length, the satisfaction to find him, Mrs. Lynx, and
their two wards, fairly setting out on a journey
which as he very justly mentioned, proved “to be
pregnant with events of so much importance to
knowledge in general, to the happiness of the species,
and to several highly interesting branches of
monikin science, in particular.” I say the satisfaction,
for, to own the truth, I was eager to witness
the effect that would be made on the monikin sensibilities,
when he came to speak of my own discernment
in detecting their real characters beneath
the contumely and disgrace in which it had been
my good fortune to find them, the promptitude with
which I had stepped forward to their relief, and the
liberality and courage with which I had furnished
the means and encountered the risks, that were necessary
to restore them to their native land. The
anticipation of this human triumph could not but
diffuse a general satisfaction in our tribune,—even
the common mariners, as they recalled the dangers
through which they had passed, feeling a consciousness
of deserving, mingled with that soothing sentiment
which is ever the companion of a merited
reward. As the philosopher drew nearer to the
time when it would be necessary to speak of us, I
threw a look of triumph at Lord Chatterino, which,
however, failed of its intended effect,—the young
peer continuing to whisper to his noble companions
with just as much self-importance and coolness as
if he had not been one of the rescued captives.

Dr. Reasono was justly celebrated, among his
colleagues, for ingenuity and eloquence. The

[figure description] Page 013.[end figure description]

excellent morals that he threw into every possible
opening of his subject, the beauty of the figures
with which they were illustrated, and the masculine
tendencies of his argument, gave general delight
to the audience. The Journey of Trial was
made to appear, what it had been intended to be
by the fathers and sages of the Leaphigh institutions,
a probation replete with admonitions and instruction.
The aged and experienced, who had grown
callous by time, could not conceal their exultation;
the mature and suffering looked grave and full of
meditation; while the young and sanguine fairly
trembled, and, for once, doubted. But, as the philosopher
led his party from precipice to precipice
in safety, as rocks were scaled and seductive valleys
avoided, a common feeling of security began
to extend itself among the audience; and we all
followed him in his last experiment among the ice,
with that sort of blind confidence which the soldier
comes, in time, to entertain in the orders of a tried
and victorious general.

The Doctor was graphic in his account of the
manner in which he and his wards plunged among
these new trials. The lovely Chatterissa (for all his
travelling companions were present,) bent aside her
head and blushed, as the philosopher alluded to the
manner in which the pure flame that glowed in her
gentle bosom resisted the chill influence of that cold
region; and when he recited an ardent declaration
that my Lord Chatterino had made on the centre
of a floe, and the kind and amorous answer of his
mistress, I thought the applause of the old academicians
would have actually brought the vaulted
dome clattering about our ears.

At length he reached the point in the narrative,
where the amiable wanderers fell in with the sealers,
on that unknown island to which chance and

[figure description] Page 014.[end figure description]

an adverse fortune had unhappily led them, in their
pilgrimage. I had taken measures secretly to instruct
Mr. Poke and the rest of my companions, as
to the manner in which it became us to demean
ourselves, while the Doctor was acquainting the
academy with that first outrage committed by human
cupidity, or the seizure of himself and friends.
We were to rise, in a body, and, turning our faces
a little on one side, veil our eyes in sign of shame.
Less than this, it struck me, could scarcely be done,
without manifesting an improper indifference to
monikin rights; and more than this, might have
been identifying ourselves with the particular individuals
of the species who had perpetrated the
wrong. But there was no occasion to exhibit this
delicate attention to our learned hosts. The Doctor,
with a refinement of feeling that did credit,
indeed, to monikin civilization, gave an ingenious
turn to the whole affair, which at once removed all
cause of shame from our species; and which, if it
left reason for any to blush, by a noble act of disinterestedness,
threw the entire onus of the obligation
on himself. Instead of dwelling on the ruthless
manner in which he and his friends had been
seized, the worthy Doctor very tranquilly informed
his listeners that, finding himself, by hazard, brought
in contact with another species, and that the means
of pushing important discoveries were unexpectedly
placed in his power; conscious it had long been
a desideratum with the savans to obtain a nearer
view and more correct notions of human society;
believing he had a discretion in the matter of his
wards, and knowing that the inhabitants of Leaplow,
a republic which all disliked, were seriously
talking of sending out an expedition for this very
purpose, he had promptly decided to profit by
events, to push inquiry to the extent of his abilities,

[figure description] Page 015.[end figure description]

and to hazard all in the cause of learning and truth,
by at once engaging the vessel of the sealers, and
sailing, without dread of consequences, forthwith
into the very bosom of the world of man!

I have listened with awe to the thunder of the
tropics,—I have held my breath as the artillery of
a fleet vomited forth its fire, and rent the air with
sudden concussions,—I have heard the roar of the
tumbling river of the Canadas, and I have stood
aghast at the crashing of a forest in a tornado;—
but never before did I feel so life-stirring, so thrilling
an emotion, of surprise, alarm and sympathy,
as that which arose within me, at the burst of commendation
and delight with which this announcement
of self-devotion and enterprise was received
by the audience. Tails waved, pattes met each other
in ecstasy, voice whistled to voice, and there was
one common cry of exultation, of rapture and of
glorification, at this proof, not of monikin, for that
would have been frittering away the triumph, but
at this proof of Leaphigh courage!

During the clamor, I took an opportunity to
express my satisfaction at the handsome manner
in which our friend the Doctor had passed over
an acknowledged human delinquency, and the ingenuity
with which he had turned the whole of the
unhappy transaction to the glory of Leaphigh.
Noah answered that the philosopher had certainly
“shown a knowledge of human natur', and he presumed
of monikin natur', in the matter; no one
would now dispute his statement, since, as he knew
by experience, no one was so likely to be set down
as a liar, as he who endeavored to unsettle the
good opinion that either a community or an individual
entertained of himself. This was the way at
Stunin'tun, and he believed this was pretty much
the way at New-York, or he might say with the

[figure description] Page 016.[end figure description]

whole 'arth, from pole to pole. As for himself,
however, he owned he should like to have a few
minutes' private conversation with the sealer in
question, to hear his account of the matter; he
didn't know any owner in his part of the world,
who would bear a captain out, should he abandon
a v'yage in this way, on no better security than the
promises of a monkey, and of a monkey, too, who
must, of necessity, be an utter stranger to him.”

When the tumult of applause had a little abated,
Dr. Reasono proceeded with his narrative. He
touched lightly on the accommodations of the
schooner, which he gave us reason to think were
altogether of a quality beneath the condition of her
passengers; and he added that, falling in with a
larger and fairer vessel, which was making a passage
between Bombay and Great Britain, he profited by
the occasion, to exchange ships. This vessel touched
at the island of St. Helena, where, according to the
Doctor's account of the matter, he found means to
pass the greater part of a week on shore.

Of the island of St. Helena he gave a long, scientific,
and certainly an interesting account. It was
reported to be volcanic, by the human savans, he
said, but a minute examination and a comparison
of the geological formation, &c., had quite satisfied
him that their own ancient account, which was
contained in the mineralogical works of Leaphigh,
was the true one; or, in other words, that this rock
was a fragment of the polar world that had been
blown away at the great eruption, and which had
become separated from the rest of the mass at this
spot, where it had fallen and become a fixture of
the ocean. Here the Doctor produced certain specimens
of rock, which he submitted to the learned
present, inviting their attention to its character, and
asking, with great mineralogical confidence, if it did

[figure description] Page 017.[end figure description]

not intimately resemble a well-known stratum of a
mountain within two leagues of the very spot they
were in? This triumphant proof of the truth of his
proposition was admirably received; and the philosopher
was in particular rewarded by the smiles
of all the females present; for ladies usually are
well pleased with any demonstration that saves
them the trouble of comparison and reflection.

Before quitting this branch of his subject, the
Doctor observed that, interesting as were these
proofs of the accuracy of their histories, and of the
great revolutions of inanimate nature, there was
another topic connected with St. Helena, which, he
felt certain, would excite a lively emotion in the
breasts of all who heard him. At the period of his
visit, the island had been selected as a prison for a
great conqueror and disturber of his fellow-creatures;
and public attention was much drawn to the
spot by this circumstance, few men coming there
who did not permit all their thoughts to be absorbed
by the past acts, and the present fortunes, of the
individual in question. As for himself, there was
of course no great attraction in any events connected
with mere human greatness, the little struggles
and convulsions of the species containing no
particular interest for a devotee of the monikin
philosophy; but the manner in which all eyes were
drawn in one direction, afforded him a liberty of
action that he had eagerly improved, in a way that,
he humbly trusted, would not be thought altogether
unworthy of their approbation. While searching
for minerals among the cliffs, his attention had been
drawn to certain animals that are called monkeys,
in the language of those regions; which, from very
obvious affinities of a physical nature, there was
some reason to believe might have had a common
origin with the monikin species. The academy

[figure description] Page 018.[end figure description]

would at once see how desirable it was to learn
all the interesting particulars of the habits, language,
customs, marriages, funerals, religious opinions,
traditions, state of learning, and general
moral condition of this interesting people, with a
view to ascertain whether they were merely one
of those abortions to which, it is known, nature is
in the practice of giving birth, in the outward appearance
of their own species, or whether, as several
of their best writers had plausibly maintained,
they were indeed a portion of those whom they
had been in the habit of designating as the “Lost
Monikins.” He had succeeded in getting access
to a family of these beings, and in passing an entire
day in their society. The result of his investigations
was, that they were truly of the monikin family,
retaining much of the ingenuity and many of the
spiritual notions of their origin, but with their intellects
sadly blunted, and perhaps their improvable
qualities annihilated, by the concussion of the elements
that had scattered them abroad upon the
face of the earth, houseless, hopeless, regionless
wanderers. The vicissitudes of climate, and a great
alteration of habits, had certainly wrought some
physical changes; but there still remained a sufficient
scientific identity to prove they were monikins.
They even retained, in their traditions, some glimmerings
of the awful catastrophe by which they
were separated from the rest of their fellow-creatures;
but they necessarily were vague and profitless.
Having touched on several other points connected
with these very extraordinary facts, the Doctor
concluded by saying that he saw but one way in
which this discovery could be turned to any practical
advantage, beyond the confirmation it afforded
of the truth of their own annals. He suggested the
expediency of fitting out expeditions to go among

[figure description] Page 019.[end figure description]

these islands and seize upon a number of families,
which, being transported into Leaphigh, might found
a race of useful menials, who, while they would
prove much less troublesome than those who possessed
all the knowledge of monikins, would probably
be found more intelligent and useful than any
domestic animal which they at present owned.
This happy application of the subject met with
decided commendation. I observed that most of
the elderly females put their heads together on the
spot, and appeared to be congratulating each other
on the prospect of being speedily relieved from their
household cares.

Dr. Reasono next spoke of his departure from
St. Helena, and of his finally landing in Portugal.
Here, agreeably to his account, he engaged certain
Savoyards to act as his couriers and guides,
during a tour he intended to make through Portugal,
Spain, Switzerland, France, &c. &c. &c. I
listened with admiration. Never before had I
so lively a perception of the vast difference that
is effected in our views of matters and things, by
the agency of an active philosophy, as was now
furnished by the narrative of the speaker. Instead
of complaining of the treatment he had received,
and of the degradations to which he and his companions
had been subjected, he spoke of it all as so
much prudent submission, on his part, to the customs
of the countries in which he happened to find
himself, and as the means of ascertaining a thousand
important facts, both moral and physical,
which he proposed to submit to the academy in a
separate memoir, another day. At present, he
was admonished by the clock to conclude, and he
would therefore hasten his narrative, as much as
possible.

The Doctor, with great ingenuousness, confessed

[figure description] Page 020.[end figure description]

that he could gladly have passed a year or two
longer in those distant and highly interesting portions
of the earth; but he could not forget that he
had a duty to perform to the friends of two noble
families. The Journey of Trial had been completed
under the most favorable auspices, and the ladies
naturally became anxious to return home. They
had accordingly passed into Great Britain, a country
remarkable for maritime enterprise, where he
immediately commenced the necessary preparations
for their sailing. A ship had been procured
under the promise of allowing it to be freighted,
free of custom-house charges, with the products
of Leaphigh. A thousand applications had been
made to him for permission to be of his party, the
natives naturally enough wishing to see a civilized
country; but prudence had admonished him to
accept of those only who were the most likely to
make themselves useful. The King of Great Britain,
no mean prince in human estimation, had
committed his only son and heir-apparent to his
care, with a view to his improvement by travelling;
and the Lord High Admiral himself had
asked permission to take command of an expedition
that was of so much importance to knowledge
in general, and to his own profession in particular.

Here Dr. Reasono ascended our tribune, and
presented Bob to the academy as the Prince-Royal
of Great Britain, and Captain Poke as her Lord
High Admiral! He pointed out certain peculiarities
about the former, the smut in particular,
which had become pretty effectually incorporated
with the skin, as so many signs of royal birth;
and ordering the youngster to uncase, he drew
forth the union-jack that the lad carefully kept
about his nether part as a fender, and exhibited it
as his armorial bearings—a modification of its

[figure description] Page 021.[end figure description]

uses that would not have been very far out of the
way, had another limb been substituted for the
agent. As for Captain Poke, he requested the
academicians to study his nautical air, in general,
as furnishing sufficient proof of his pursuits, and
of the ordinary appearance of human seamen.

Turning to me, I was then introduced to all
present as the travelling governor and personal
attendant of Bob, and as a very respectable person
in my way. He added, that he believed, also,
I had some pretension to be the discoverer of
something that was called the social-stake system;
which, he dared to say, was a very creditable discovery
for one of my opportunities.

By this prompt substitution of employments, I
found I had effectually changed places with the
cabin-boy; who, instead of waiting on me, was, in
future, to receive that trifling attention at my
hands. The mates were presented as two rear-admirals
at nurse, and the crew was said to be
composed of so many post-captains in the navy
of Great Britain. To conclude, the audience was
given to understand that we were all brought to
Leaphigh, like the minerals from St. Helena, as
so many specimens of the human species!

I shall not deny that Dr. Reasono had taken a
very different view of himself and his acts, as well
as of me and my acts, from those I had all along
entertained myself; and yet, on reflection, it is so
common to consider ourselves in lights very different
from those in which we are viewed by
others, that I could not, on the whole, complain as
much of his representations as I had at first thought
it might become me to do. At all events, I was
completely spared the necessity of blushing for my
generosity and disinterestedness, and in other respects
was saved the pain of viewing any part

[figure description] Page 022.[end figure description]

of my own conduct under a consciousness of its
attracting attention by its singularity on the score
of merit. I must say, nevertheless, that I was both
surprised, and a little indignant; but the sudden and
unexpected turn that had been given to the whole
affair threw me so completely off my centre, that,
for the life of me, I could not say a word in my own
behalf. To make the matter worse, that monkey
Chatterino nodded to me kindly, as if he would
show the spectators that, on the whole, he thought
me a very good sort of a fellow!

After the lecture was over, the audience approached
to examine us, taking a great many
amiable liberties with our persons, and otherwise
showing that we were deemed curiosities worthy
of their study. The King's cousin, too, was
not neglectful of us, but he had it announced to
the assembly that we were entirely welcome to
Leaphigh; and that, out of respect to Dr. Reasono,
we were all promoted to the dignity of “Honorary
Monikins,” for the entire period of our stay in the
country. He also caused it to be proclaimed, that
if the boys annoyed us in the streets, they should
have their tails curled with birch curling-irons. As
for the Doctor himself, it was proclaimed that, in
addition to his former title of F.U.D.G.E., he was
now preferred to be even M.O.R.E., and that he
was also raised to the dignity of an H.O.A.X., the
very highest honor to which any savant of Leaphigh
could attain.

At length curiosity was appeased, and we were
permitted to descend from the tribune; the company
ceasing to attend to us, in order to pay
attention to each other. As I had time, now, to
recollect myself, I did not lose a moment in taking
the two mates aside, to present a proposition that
we should go, in a body, before a notary, and enter

[figure description] Page 023.[end figure description]

a protest against the unaccountable errors into
which Dr. Reasono had permitted himself to fall,
whereby the truth was violated, the rights of persons
invaded, humanity dishonored, and the Leaphigh
philosophy misled. I cannot say that my arguments
were well received; and I was compelled
to quit the two rear-admirals, and to go in quest of
the crew, with the conviction that the former had been
purchased. An appeal to the reckless, frank, loyal
natures of the common seamen, I thought, would
not fail to meet with better success. Here, too, I was
fated to encounter disappointment. The men swore
a few hearty oaths, and affirmed that Leaphigh was
a good country. They expected pay and rations,
as a matter of course, in proportion to their new
rank; and having tasted the sweets of command,
they were not yet prepared to quarrel with their
good fortune, and to lay aside the silver tankard
for the tar-pot.

Quitting the rascals, whose heads really appeared
to be turned by their unexpected elevation, I
determined to hunt up Bob, and, by dint of Mr.
Poke's ordinary application, compel him, at least,
in despite of the union-jack, to return to a sense of
his duty, and to reassume his old post as the servitor
of my wants. I found the little blackguard in
the midst of a bevy of monikinas of all ages, who
were lavishing their attentions on his worthless person,
and otherwise doing all they could to eradicate
everything like humility, or any good quality that
might happen to remain in him. He certainly gave
me a fair opportunity to commence the attack, for
he wore the union-jack over his shoulder, in the
manner of a royal mantle, while the females of inferior
rank pressed about him to kiss its hem! The
air with which he received this adulation, fairly
imposed on even me; and, fearful that the monikinas
might mob me, should I attempt to undeceive them,

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—for monikinas, let them be of what species they
may, always hug a delusion,—I abandoned my
hostile intentions, for the moment, and hurried after
Mr. Poke, little doubting my ability of bringing
one of his natural rectitude of mind, to a right way
of thinking.

The Captain heard my remonstrances with a
decent respect. He even seemed to enter into my
feelings with a proper degree of sympathy. He
very frankly admitted that I had not been well
treated by Dr. Reasono, and he appeared to think
that a private conversation with that individual
might yet possibly have the effect of bringing him
to a more reasonable representation of facts. But,
as to any sudden and violent appeal to public opinion
for justice, or an ill-advised recourse to a notary,
he strenuously objected to both. The purport
of his remarks was somewhat as follows:—

“He was not acquainted with the Leaphigh law
of protests, and, in consequence, we might spend
our money in paying fees, without reaping any advantage;
the Doctor, moreover, was a philosopher,
an F.U.D.G.E., and an H.O.A.X., and these were
fearful odds to contend against in any country, and
more especially in a foreign country; he had an
innate dislike for law-suits; the loss of my station
was certainly a grievance, but, still, it might be
borne; as for himself, he never asked for the office
of Lord High Admiral of Great Britain, but, as it
had been thrust upon him, why, he would do his
best to sustain the character; he knew his friends
at Stunin'tun would be glad to hear of his promotion,
for, though in his country there were no Lords,
nor even any Admirals, his countrymen were always
exceedingly rejoiced whenever any of their fellow-citizens
were preferred to those stations by any body
but themselves, seeming to think an honor conferred
on one, was an honor conferred on the whole

[figure description] Page 025.[end figure description]

nation; he liked to confer honor on his own nation,
for no people on 'arth tuck up a notion of this sort,
and divided it among themselves in a way to give
each a share, sooner than the people of the States,
though they were very cautious about leaving any
portion of the credit in first hands, and, therefore,
he was disposed to keep as much as he could, while
it was in his power; he believed he was a better
seaman than most of the Lord High Admirals who
had gone before him, and he had no fears on that
score; he wondered whether his promotion made
Miss Poke Lady High Admiral; as I seemed greatly
put out about my own rank, he would give me
the acting appointment of a chaplain, (he did n't
think I was qualified to be a sea-officer,) and no
doubt I had interest enough at home to get it confirmed;
a great statesman in his country had said,
“that few die and none resigned,” and he did n't
like to be the first to set new fashions; for his part,
he rather looked upon Dr. Reasono as his friend,
and it was unpleasant to quarrel with one's friends;
he was willing to do any thing, in reason, but resign,
and if I could persuade the Doctor to say he
had fallen into a mistake in my particular case, and
that I had been sent to Leaphigh as a Lord High
Ambassador, Lord High Priest, or Lord High any
thing else, except Lord High Admiral, why, he was
ready to swear to it—though he now gave notice
that, in the event of such an arrangement, he should
claim to rank me in virtue of the date of his own
commission; if he gave up his appointment a minute
sooner than was absolutely necessary, he should
lose his own self-respect, and never dare look Miss
Poke in the face, again; on the whole, he should
do no such thing; and, finally, he wished me a
good morning, as he was about to make a call on
the Lord High Admiral of Leaphigh.”

p064-303 CHAPTER II.

New lords, new laws—Gyration, rotation, and another nation;—
also an invitation.

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I FELT that my situation had now become exceedingly
peculiar. It is true that my modesty had
been unexpectedly spared, by the very ingenious
turn Dr. Reasono had given to the history of our
connexion with each other; but I could not see that
I had gained any other advantage by the expedient.
All my own species had, in a sense, cut me; and I
was obliged to turn despondingly, and not without
humiliation, towards the inn, where the banquet
ordered by Mr. Poke waited our appearance.

I had reached the great square, when a tap on
the knee drew my attention to one at my side. The
applicant for notice was a monikin, who had all the
physical peculiarities of a subject of Leaphigh, and
yet, who was to be distinguished from most of the
inhabitants of that country, by a longer and less
cultivated nap to his natural garment, greater
shrewdness about the expression of the eyes and
the mouth, a general air of business, and, for a
novelty, a bob-cauda. He was accompanied by positively
the least well-favored being of the species I
had yet seen. I was addressed by the former.

“Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf,” he commenced,
with a sort of jerk, that I afterwards
learned was meant for a diplomatic salutation;
“you have not met with the very best treatment
to-day, and I have been waiting for a good opportunity
to make my condolences, and to offer my
services.”

[figure description] Page 027.[end figure description]

“Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little
wronged; and I must say, sympathy is most grateful
to my feelings. You will, however, allow me
to express my surprise at your being acquainted
with my real name, as well as with my misfortunes?”

“Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an examining
people. The population is very much
scattered in my country, and we have fallen into a
practice of inquiry that is very natural to such a
state of things. I think you must have observed
that in passing along a common highway, you
rarely meet another without a nod; while thousands
are met in a crowded street without even a
glance of the eye. We develop this principle, sir;
and never let any fact escape us, for the want of a
laudable curiosity.”

“You are not a subject of Leaphigh, then?”

“God forbid!—No, sir, I am a citizen of Leaplow,
a great and a glorious republic that lies three
days' sail from this island; a new nation, which is
in the enjoyment of all the advantages of youth and
vigor, and which is a perfect miracle for the boldness
of its conceptions, the purity of its institutions,
and its sacred respect for the rights of monikins. I
have the honor to be, moreover, the Envoy Extraordinary
and Minister Plenipotentiary of the republic
to the King of Leaphigh, a nation from which
we originally sprung, but which we have left far
behind us in the race of glory and usefulness. I
ought to acquaint you with my name, sir, in return
for the advantage I possess on this head, in relation
to yourself.”

Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my
hand one of his visiting-cards, which contained as
follows:—

[figure description] Page 028.[end figure description]

General-Commodore-Judge-Colonel,
People's Friend:
Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary
from the Republic of Leaplow
near his Majesty the King of Leaphigh.

“Sir,” said I, pulling off my hat with a profound
reverence, “I was not aware to whom I had the
honor of speaking. You appear to fill a variety
of employments, and I make no doubt, with equal
skill.”

“Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one
of my professions, as at another.”

“You will permit me to observe, however, General—
a—a—Judge—a—a—I scarcely know, dear
sir, which of these titles is the most to your taste?”

“Use which you please, sir.—I began with General,
but had got as low as Colonel before I left
home. People's Friend is the only appellation of
which I am at all tenacious. Call me People's
Friend, sir, and you may call me anything else you
find most convenient.”

“Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture
to ask if you have really, propriâ personâ, filled all
these different stations in life?”

“Certainly, sir—I hope you do not mistake me
for an impostor!”

“As far from it as possible.—But a judge and a
commodore, for instance, are characters whose
duties are so utterly at variance, in human affairs,
that I will allow I find the conjunction, even in a
monikin, a little extraordinary.”

“Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each,
served my time out in them all, and have honorable
discharges to show in every instance.”

“You must have found some perplexity in the
performance of duties so very different?”

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