The group which drew my attention was composed
of six individuals, two of which were animals
of the genus homo, or what is vulgarly termed
man; and the remainder were of the order primates,
and of the class mammalia; or what, in common
parlance, are called monkeys.

The first were Savoyards, and may be generally
described as being unwashed, ragged and
carnivorous; in colour, swarthy; in lineaments and
expression, avaricious and shrewd, and in appetites
voracious. The latter were of the common species,
of the usual size, and of approved gravity. There
were two of each sex; being very equally paired
as to years and external advantages.

The monkeys were all habited with more or less
of the ordinary attire of our modern European
civilization; but peculiar care had been taken with
the toilet of the senior of the two males. This
individual had on the coat of a hussar, a cut that
would have given a particular part of his body a
more military contour than comported with his
real character, were it not for a red petticoat, that
was made shorter than common; less, however,
with a view to show a pretty foot and ankle, than
to leave the nether limbs at liberty to go through
with certain extravagant efforts, which the Savoyards
were unmercifully exacting from his natural
agility. He wore a Spanish hat, decorated with
a few bedraggled feathers, a white cockade, and

[figure description] Page 114.[end figure description]

a wooden sword. In addition to the latter, he
carried in his hand a small broom.

Observing that my attention was strongly attracted
to this party, the ill-favored Savoyards
immediately commenced a series of experiments
in saltation, with the sole view, beyond a question,
to profit by my curiosity. The inoffensive victims
of this act of brutal tyranny, submitted with a
patience worthy of the profoundest philosophy,
meeting the wishes of their masters with a readiness
and dexterity that was beyond all praise.
One swept the earth, another leaped on the back
of a dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels,
again and again, without a murmur; and the fourth
moved gracefully to and fro, like a young girl in
a quadrille. All this might have passed without
calling for particular remark, (since, alas! the spectacle
is only too common,) were it not for certain
eloquent appeals that were made to me, through
the eyes, by the individual in the hussar jacket.
His look was rarely averted from my face for a
moment, and, in this way, a silent communion
was soon established between us. I observed that
his gravity was indomitable. Nothing could elicit
a smile, or a change of countenance. Obedient
to the whip of his brutal master, he never refused
the required leap; for minutes at a time, his legs
and petticoat described confused circles in the
air, appearing to have taken a final leave of the
earth; but, the effort ended, he invariably descended
to the ground with a quiet dignity and composure,
that showed how little the inward monkey
partook of the antics of the outward animal. Drawing
my companion a little aside, I ventured to
suggest a few thoughts to him on the subject.

“Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is
great injustice in the treatment of these poor

[figure description] Page 115.[end figure description]

creatures!” I said. “What right have these two foul-looking
blackguards to seize upon beings much
more interesting to the eye, and, I dare say, far
more intellectual, than themselves, and cause them
to throw their legs about in this extravagant manner,
under the penalty of stripes, and without
regard to their feelings, or to their convenience?—
I say, sir, the measure appears to me to be intolerably
oppressive, and it calls for prompt redress.”

“King!”

“King or subject, it does not alter the moral
deformity of the act. What have these innocent
beings done, that they should be subjected to this
disgrace? Are they not flesh and blood, like ourselves—
do they not approach nearer to our form,
and, for aught we know to the contrary, to our
reason, than any other animal? and is it tolerable
that our nearest imitations, our very cousins,
should be thus dealt by? Are they dogs, that they
are treated like dogs?”

“Why, to my notion, Sir John, there isn't a dog
on 'arth that can take such a summerset. Their
flapjacks are quite extraor'nary!”

“Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary; they
are oppressive. Place yourself, Mr. Poke, for a
single instant, in the situation of one of these
persons; fancy that you had a hussar jacket
squeezed upon your brawny shoulders, a petticoat
placed over your lower extremities, a Spanish hat
with bedraggled feathers set upon your head, a
wooden sword stuck at your side, and a broom
put into your hand; and that these two Savoyards
were to menace you with stripes unless you consented
to throw summersets for the amusement of
strangers—I only ask you to make the case your
own, sir, and then say what course you would
take, and what you would do?”

[figure description] Page 116.[end figure description]

“I would lick both of these young blackguards,
Sir John, without remorse, break the sword and
the broom over their heads, kick their sensibilities
till they couldn't see, and take my course for
Stunin'tun, where I belong.”

“Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards,
who are young and feeble”—

“'T wouldn't alter the case much, if two of
these Frenchmen were in their places”—put in
the Captain, glaring wolfishly about him. “To be
plain with you, Sir John Goldencalf, being human,
I'd submit to no such monkey tricks.”

“Do not use the term reproachfully, Mr. Poke,
I entreat of you. We call these animals monkeys,
it is true; but we do not know what they call
themselves. Man is merely an animal, and you
must very well know”—

“Harkee, Sir John”—interrupted the Captain,
“I'm no botanist, and do not pretend to more
schooling than a sealer has need of, for finding his
way about the 'arth; but, as for a man's being an
animal, I just wish to ask you, now, if, in your
judgment, a hog is also an animal?”

“Beyond a doubt—and fleas, and toads, and
sea-serpents, and lizards, and water-devils—we are
all, neither more nor less than animals.”

“Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to
allow the relationship; for, in the course of my
experunce, which is not small, I have met with
men that you might have mistaken for hogs, in
every thing but the bristles, the snout, and the tail.
I'll never deny what I've seen with my own eyes,
though I suffer for it; and therefore I admit that
hogs being animals, it is more than likely that
some men must be animals too.”

“We call these interesting beings monkeys; but
how do we know that they do not return the

[figure description] Page 117.[end figure description]

compliment, and call us, in their own particular dialect,
something quite as offensive. It would become
our species to manifest a more equitable and philosophical
spirit, and to consider these interesting
strangers as an unfortunate family which has fallen
into the hands of brutes, and which is, in every
way, entitled to our commiseration and our active
interference. Hitherto, I have never sufficiently
stimulated my sympathies for the animal world,
by any investment in quadrupeds; but it is my
intention to write to-morrow to my English agent
to purchase a pack of hounds and a suitable stud
of horses; and by way of quickening so laudable
a resolution, I shall forthwith make propositions to
the Savoyards for the speedy emancipation of this
family of amiable foreigners. The slave trade is
an innocent pastime, compared to the cruel oppression
that the gentleman in the Spanish hat, in particular,
is compelled to endure.”

“King!”

“He may be a king, sure enough, in his own
country, Captain Poke;—a fact that would add tenfold
agony to his unmerited sufferings.”

Hereupon, I proceeded, without more ado, to
open a negotiation with the Savoyards. The judicious
application of a few Napoleons soon brought
about a happy understanding between the contracting
parties, when the Savoyards transferred to my
hands the strings which confined their vassals, as
the formal and usual acknowledgment of the right
of ownership. Committing the three others to the
keeping of Mr. Poke, I led the individual in the
hussar-jacket a little on one side, and, raising my
hat, to show that I was superior to the vulgar feeling
of feudal superiority, I addressed him, briefly,
in the following words:—

“Although I have ostensibly bought the right

[figure description] Page 118.[end figure description]

which these Savoyards professed to have in your
persons and services, I seize an early occasion to
inform you that, virtually, you are now free. As
we are among a people accustomed to see your
race in subjection, however, it may not be prudent
to proclaim the nature of the present transaction,
lest there might be some further conspiracies
against your natural rights. We will retire to my
hotel, forthwith, therefore, where your future happiness
shall be the subject of our more mature and
of our united deliberations.”

The respectable stranger in the hussar-jacket
heard me with inimitable gravity and self-command.
until, in the warmth of feeling, I raised an arm in
earnest gesticulation, when, most probably overcome
by the emotions of delight that were naturally
awakened in his bosom by this sudden change
of fortune, he threw three summersets, or flapjacks,
as Captain Poke had quaintly designated his evolutions,
in so rapid succession, as to render it, for a moment,
a matter of doubt whether nature had placed
his head or his heels uppermost.

Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now
took my way directly to the rue de Rivoli. We
were attended by a constantly increasing crowd,
until the gate of the hotel was fairly entered; and
glad was I to see my charge safely housed, for
there were abundant indications of another design
upon their rights, in the taunts and ridicule of the
living mass that rolled up, as it were, upon our
heels. On reaching my own apartment, a courier,
who had been waiting my return, and who had
just arrived express from England, put a packet
into my hands, stating that it came from my principal
English agent. Hasty orders were given to
attend to the comfort and wants of Captain Poke
and the strangers, (orders that were in no danger

[figure description] Page 119.[end figure description]

of being neglected, since Sir John Goldencalf, with
the reputed annual revenue of three millions of
francs, had unlimited credit with all the inhabitants
of the hotel,) and I hurried into my cabinet, and sat
down to the eager perusal of the different communications.

Alas! there was not a line from Anna! The obdurate
girl still trifled with my misery; and, in revenge,
I entertained a momentary resolution of
adopting the notions of Mahmoud, in order to
qualify myself to set up a harem.

The letters were from a variety of correspondents,
embracing many of those who were entrusted
with the care of my interests in very opposite
quarters of the world. Half an hour before, I had
been dying to open more intimate relations with
the interesting strangers; but my thoughts instantly
took a new direction, and I soon found that the
painful sentiments I had entertained touching their
welfare and happiness, were quite lost in the newly
awakened interests that lay before me. It is in
this simple manner, no doubt, that the system to
which I am a convert effects no small part of its
own great purposes. No sooner does any one interest
grow painful by excess, than a new claim
arises to divert the thoughts, a new demand is
made on the sensibilities; and, by lowering our affections
from the intensity of selfishness, to the
more bland and equable feeling of impartiality,
forms that just and generous condition of the mind
at which the political economists aim, when they
dilate on the glories and advantages of their favorite
theory of the social stake.

In this happy frame of mind, I fell to reading
the letters with avidity, and with the god-like determination
to reverence Providence and to do
justice.—Fiat justitia ruat cælum!

[figure description] Page 120.[end figure description]

The first epistle was from the agent of the principal
West-India estate. He acquainted me with
the fact that all hopes from the expected crop were
destroyed by a hurricane, and he begged that I
would furnish the means necessary to carry on the
affairs of the plantation, until another season might
repair the loss. Priding myself on punctuality as
a man of business, before I broke another seal, a
letter was written to a banker in London, requesting
him to supply the necessary credits, and to notify
the agent in the West-Indies of the circumstance.
As he was a member of parliament, I
seized the occasion, also, to press upon him the
necessity of government's introducing some early
measure for the protection of the sugar-growers, a
most meritorious class of his fellow-subjects, and
one whose exposures and actual losses called loudly
for relief of this nature. As I closed the letter,
I could not help dwelling, with complacency, on
the zeal and promptitude with which I had acted—
the certain proof of the usefulness of the theory of
investments.

The second communication was from the manager
of an East-India property, that very happily
came with its offering to fill the vacuum left by the
failure of the crops just mentioned. Sugar was
likely to be a drug in the peninsula, and my correspondent
stated that the cost of transportation
being so much greater than from the other colonies,
this advantage would be entirely lost, unless government
did something to restore the East-Indian
to his natural equality. I enclosed this letter in one
to my Lord Say and Do, who was in the ministry,
asking of him, in the most laconic and pointed terms,
whether it were possible for the empire to prosper,
when one portion of it was left in possession of
exclusive advantages, to the prejudice of all the

[figure description] Page 121.[end figure description]

others? As this question was put with a truly British
spirit, I hope it had some tendency to open the
eyes of his Majesty's ministers; for much was
shortly after said, both in the journals and in Parliament,
on the necessity of protecting our East-Indian
fellow-subjects, and of doing natural justice
by establishing the national prosperity on the only
firm basis, that of Free Trade.

The next letter was from the acting partner of
a large manufacturing house, to which I had advanced
quite half the capital, in order to enter into
a sympathetic communion with the cotton-spinners.
The writer complained heavily of the import duty
on the raw article; made some poignant allusions
to the increasing competition on the continent and
in America; and pretty clearly intimated that the
Lord of the manor of Householder ought to make
himself felt by the administration, in a question of
so much magnitude to the nation. On this hint I
spake. I sat down, on the spot, and wrote a long
letter to my friend, Lord Pledge, in which I pointed
out to him the danger that threatened our political
economy; that we were imitating the false theories
of the Americans, (the countrymen of Captain
Poke); that trade was clearly never so prosperous
as when it was the most successful; that success
depended on effort, and effort was the most efficient
when the least encumbered; and, in short, that, as
it was self-evident a man would jump farther without
being in foot-irons, or strike harder without being
handcuffed, so it was equally apparent, that a
merchant would make a better bargain for himself,
when he could have things all his own way, than
when his enterprise and industry were shackled
by the impertinent and selfish interposition of the
interests of others. In conclusion, there was an
eloquent description of the demoralizing

[figure description] Page 122.[end figure description]

consequences of smuggling, and a pungent attack on the
tendencies of taxation in general. I have written
and said some good things in my time, as several
of my dependants have sworn to me, in a way that
even my natural modesty cannot repudiate; but I
shall be excused for the weakness, if I now add,
that I believe this letter to Lord Pledge contained
some as clever points, as any thing I remember,
in their way; the last paragraph, in particular,
being positively the neatest and the best turned
moral I ever produced.

Letter fourth was from the steward of the Householder
estate. He spoke of the difficulty of getting
the rents; a difficulty that he imputed altogether to
the low price of corn. He said that it would soon
be necessary to re-let certain farms; and he feared
that the unthinking cry against the corn-laws would
affect the conditions. It was incumbent on the landed
interest to keep an eye on the popular tendencies,
as respected this subject; for any material variation
from the present system would lower the rental of
all the grain-growing counties in England, thirty
per cent., at least, at a blow. He concluded with
a very hard rap at the Agrarians, a party that was
just coming a little into notice in Great Britain,
and, by a very ingenious turn, in which he completely
demonstrated that the protection of the
landlord and the support of the Protestant religion
were indissolubly connected. There was also a
vigorous appeal to the common sense of the subject,
on the danger to be apprehended by the people
from themselves; which he treated in a way that,
a little more expanded, would have made a delightful
homily on the rights of man.

I believe I meditated on the contents of this letter
fully an hour. Its writer, John Dobbs, was as worthy
and upright a fellow as ever breathed; and I could

[figure description] Page 123.[end figure description]

not but admire the surprising knowledge of men
which shone through every line he had indite.
Something must be done, it was clear; and, at
length, I determined to take the bull by the horns,
and to address Mr. Huskisson at once, as the
shortest way of coming at the evil. He was the
political sponsor for all the new notions on the
subject of our foreign mercantile policy; and, by
laying before him, in a strong point of view, the
fatal consequences of carrying his system to extremes,
I hoped something might yet be done for
the owners of real estate, the bones and sinews of
the land.

I shall just add, in this place, that Mr. Huskisson
sent me a very polite and a very statesman-like
reply, in which he disclaimed any intention of meddling
improperly with British interests, in any way;
that taxation was necessary to our system, and of
course every nation was the best judge of its own
means and resources; but that he merely aimed at
the establishment of just and generous principles,
by which nations that had no occasion for British
measures should not unhandsomely resort to them;
and that certain eternal truths should stand, like so
many well-constructed tubs, each on its own bottom.
I must say I was pleased with this attention
from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr.
Huskisson, and from that time I became a convert
to most of his opinions.

The next communication that I opened, was
from the overseer of the estate in Louisiana, who
informed me that the general aspect of things in
that quarter of the world was favorable, but the
small-pox had found its way among the negroes,
and the business of the plantation would immediately
require the services of fifteen able-bodied
men, with the usual sprinkling of women and

[figure description] Page 124.[end figure description]

children. He added, that the laws of America prohibited
the further importation of blacks from any
country without the limits of the Union, but that
there was a very pretty and profitable internal
trade in the article; and that the supply might be
obtained, in sufficient season, either from the Carolinas,
Virginia, or Maryland. He admitted, however,
that there was some choice between the
different stocks of these several states, and that some
discretion might be necessary in making the selection.
The negro of the Carolinas was the most
used to the cotton-field, had less occasion for
clothes, and it had been proved by experiment,
could be fattened on red herrings; while, on the
other hand, the negro farther north had the highest
instinct, could sometimes reason, and that he had
even been known to preach, when he had got
as high up as Philadelphia. He much affected,
also, bacon and poultry. Perhaps it might be well
to purchase samples of lots from all the different
stocks in market.

In reply, I assented to the latter idea, suggesting
the expediency of getting one or two of the higher
castes from the north; I had no objection to
preaching, provided they preached work; but I
cautioned the overseer particularly against schismatics.
Preaching, in the abstract, could do no
harm; all depending on doctrine.

This advice was given as the result of much
earnest observation. Those European states that
had the most obstinately resisted the introduction
of letters, I had recently had occasion to remark,
were changing their systems, and were about to
act on the principle of causing “fire to fight fire.”
They were fast having recourse to school-books,
using no other precaution than the simple expedient
of writing them themselves. By this ingenious

[figure description] Page 125.[end figure description]

invention, poison was converted into food, and
truths of all classes were at once put above the
dangers of disputations and heresies.

Having disposed of the Louisianian, I very
gladly turned to the opening of the sixth seal. The
letter was from the efficient trustee of a company
to whose funds I had largely contributed, by way
of making an investment in charity. It had struck
me, a short time previously to quitting home, that
interests positive as most of those I had embarked
in, had a tendency to render the spirit worldly; and
I saw no other check to such an evil, than by seeking
for some association with the saints, in order to
set up a balance against the dangerous propensity.
A lucky occasion offered through the wants of the
Philo-african-anti-compulsion-free-labour Society,
whose meritorious efforts were about to cease for
want of the great charity-power—gold. A draft
for five thousand pounds had obtained me the honor
of being advertised as a shareholder and a patron;
and, I know not why!—but it certainly caused me
to inquire into the results with far more interest than
I had ever before felt in any similar institution.
Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that
principle in our nature, which induces us to look
after whatever has been our own, as long as any
part of it can be seen.

The principal trustee of the Philo-african-anticompulsion-free-labour
Society now wrote to state
that some of the speculations which had gone pari
passu with the charity, had been successful, and
that the shareholders were, by the fundamental
provisions of the association, entitled to a dividend,
but—how often that awkward word stands between
the cup and the lip!—but, that he was of opinion the
establishment of a new factory, near a point where
the slavers most resorted, and where gold-dust and

[figure description] Page 126.[end figure description]

palm-oil were also to be had in the greatest quantities,
and consequently at the lowest prices, would
equally benefit trade and philanthropy; that, by a
judicious application of our means, these two interests
might be made to see-saw very cleverly, as
cause and effect, effect and cause; that the black
man would be spared an incalculable amount of
misery, the white man a grievous burthen of sin,
and the particular agents of so manifest a good
might quite reasonably calculate on making, at the
very least, forty per cent. per annum on their
money, besides having all their souls saved, in the
bargain. Of course I assented to a proposition so
reasonable in itself, and which offered benefits so
plausible!

The next epistle was from the head of a great
commercial house in Spain, in which I had taken
some shares, and whose interests had been temporarily
deranged by the throes of the people in their
efforts to obtain redress for real or imaginary
wrongs. My correspondent showed a proper indignation
on the occasion, and was not sparing in his
language whenever he was called to speak of
popular tumults. “What do the wretches wish!”
he asked, with much point—“Our lives, as well as
our property? Ah! my dear sir, this bitter fact
impresses us all (by us, he meant the mercantile
interests) with the importance of strong executives.
Where should we have been, but for the bayonets
of the king? or what would have become of our
altars, our firesides and our persons, had it not
pleased God to grant us a monarch indomitable in
will, brave in spirit, and quick in action?” I wrote
a proper answer of congratulation, and turned to
the next epistle, which was the last of the communications.

The eighth letter was from the acting head of

[figure description] Page 127.[end figure description]

another commercial house, in New-York, United
States of America, or the country of Captain Poke,
where it would seem the President, by a decided
exercise of his authority, had drawn upon himself
the execrations of a large portion of the
commercial interests of the country; since the
effect of the measure, right or wrong, as a legitimate
consequence or not, by hook or by crook, had
been to render money scarce. There is no man so
keen in his philippics, so acute in discovering and
so prompt in analyzing facts, so animated in his philosophy,
and so eloquent in his complaints, as your
debtor, when money unexpectedly gets to be scarce!
Credit, comfort, bones, sinews, marrow and all, appear
to depend on the result; and it is no wonder
that, under so lively impressions, men who have
hitherto been content to jog on in the regular and
quiet habits of barter, should suddenly start up into
logicians, politicians, ay, or even into magicians. Such
had been the case with my present correspondent,
who seemed to know and to care as little in general
of the polity of his own country as if he had
never been in it, but who now was ready to split
hairs with a metaphysician, and who could not
have written more complacently of the constitution
if he had even read it. My limits will not allow
an insertion of the whole letter, but one or two of
its sentences shall be given. “Is it tolerable, my
dear sir,” he went on to say, “that the executive
of any country, I will not say merely of our own,
should possess, or exercise, even admitting that he
does possess them, such unheard of powers? Our
condition is worse than that of the Mussulmans,
who, in losing their money, usually lose their heads,
and are left in a happy insensibility to their sufferings:
but, alas! there is an end of the much boasted
liberty of America! The executive has

[figure description] Page 128.[end figure description]

swallowed up all the other branches of the government, and
the next thing will be to swallow up us. Our altars,
our firesides, and our persons will shortly be invaded;
and I much fear that my next letter will be
received by you, long after all correspondence shall
be prohibited, every means of communication cut
off, and we ourselves shall be precluded from writing,
by being chained, like beasts of burthen, to the
car of a bloody tyrant.” Then followed as pretty
a string of epithets as I remember to have heard
from the mouth of the veriest shrew at Billingsgate.

I could not but admire the virtue of the “social-stake
system,” which kept men so sensibly alive
to all their rights, let them live where they would,
or under what form of government, which was so
admirably suited to sustain truth and render us just.
In reply, I sent back epithet for epithet, echoed all
the groans of my correspondent, and railed as became
a man who was connected with a losing
concern.

This closed my correspondence for the present,
and I arose wearied with my labors, and yet greatly
rejoicing in their fruits. It was now late, but
excitement prevented sleep; and before retiring for
the night, I could not help looking in upon my guests.
Captain Poke had gone to a room in another part
of the hotel, but the family of amiable strangers
were fast asleep in the ante-chamber. They had
supped heartily, as I was assured, and were now
indulging in a happy but temporary oblivion—to
use an approved expression—of all their wrongs.
Satisfied with this state of things, I now sought my
own pillow, or, according to a favorite phrase of
Mr. Noah Poke, I also “turned in.”

p064-134 CHAPTER IX.

The commencement of wonders, which are the more extraordinary
on account of their truth.

[figure description] Page 129.[end figure description]

I DARE say my head had been on the pillow fully
an hour, before sleep closed my eyes. During this
time, I had abundant occasion to understand the
activity of what are called the “busy thoughts.”—
Mine were feverish, glowing, and restless. They
wandered over a wide field;—one that included
Anna, with her beauty, her mild truth, her womanly
softness and her womanly cruelty; Captain Poke
and his peculiar opinions; the amiable family of
quadrupeds and their wounded sensibilities; the excellencies
of the social-stake system; and, in short,
most of that which I had seen and heard during
the last four-and-twenty hours. When sleep did
tardily arrive, it overtook me at the very moment
that I had inwardly vowed to forget my heartless
mistress, and to devote the remainder of my life to
the promulgation of the doctrine of the expansive-super-human-generalized-affection-principle,
to the
utter exclusion of all narrow and selfish views, and
in which I resolved to associate myself with Mr.
Poke, as with one who had seen a great deal of
this earth and its inhabitants, without narrowing
down his sympathies in favor of any one place or
person, in particular, Stunin'tun and himself very
properly excepted.

It was broad day-light when I awoke on the following
morning. My spirits were calmed by rest,
and my nerves had been soothed by the balmy
freshness of the atmosphere. It appeared that my
valet had entered and admitted the morning air,

[figure description] Page 130.[end figure description]

and then had withdrawn, as usual, to await the signal
of the bell, before he presumed to reappear. I lay
many minutes, in delicious repose, enjoying the periodical
return to life and reason, bringing with it,
the pleasures of thought and its ten thousand agreeable
associations. The delightful reverie into which
I was insensibly dropping, was, however, ere long
arrested by low, murmuring, and, as I thought,
plaintive voices, at no great distance from my own
bed. Seating myself erect, I listened intently, and with
a good deal of surprise; for it was not easy to imagine
whence sounds, so unusual for that place and
hour, could proceed. The discourse was earnest,
and even animated; but it was carried on in so low
a tone that it would have been utterly inaudible, but
for the deep quiet of the hotel. Occasionally a word
reached my ear, and I was completely at fault in endeavoring
to ascertain even the language. That it
was in neither of the five great European tongues, I
was certain, for all these I either spoke or read; and
there were particular sounds and inflexions that induced
me to think that it savored of the most ancient
of the two classics. It is true that the prosody
of these dialects, at the same time that is is a
shibboleth of learning, is a disputed point, the very
sounds of the vowels even being a matter of national
convention;— the Latin word dux, for instance,
becoming ducks in England, dooks in Italy,
and dukes in France: yet there is a `je ne sais quoi,'
a delicacy in the auricular taste of a true scholar,
that will rarely lead him astray, when his ears are
greeted with words that have been used by Demosthenes
or Cicero.[1] In the present instance, I distinctly
heard the word, my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton,

[figure description] Page 131.[end figure description]

which I made sure was a verb in the dual number
and second person, of a Greek root, but of a signification
that I could not, on the instant, master, but
which, beyond a question, every scholar will recognize
as having a strong analogy to a well-known
line in Homer. If I was puzzled with the syllables
that accidentally reached me, I was no less
perplexed with the intonations of the voices of the
different speakers. While it was easy to understand
they were of the two sexes, they had no
direct affinity to the mumbling sibilations of the
English, the vehement monotony of the French,
the gagging sonorousness of the Spaniards, the
noisy melody of the Italians, the ear-splitting octaves
of the Germans, or the undulating, head-over-heels
enunciation of the countrymen of my
particular acquaintance, Captain Noah Poke. Of
all the living languages of which I had any knowledge,
the resemblance was nearer to the Danish
and Swedish, than to any other; but I much
doubted, at the time I first heard the syllables, and
still question, if there is exactly such a word as
my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton to be found in even
either of those tongues. I could no longer support
the suspense. The classical and learned
doubts that beset me, grew intensely painful; and,
arising with the greatest caution, in order not to
alarm the speakers, I prepared to put an end to
them all, by the simple and natural process of
actual observation.

The voices came from the ante-chamber, the
door of which was slightly open. Throwing on a
dressing-gown, and thrusting my feet into slippers,
I moved on tiptoe to the aperture, and placed my
eye in such a situation as enabled me to command
a view of the persons of those who were still
earnestly talking in the adjoining room. All

[figure description] Page 132.[end figure description]

surprise vanished the moment I found that the four
monkeys were grouped in a corner of the apartment,
where they were carrying on a very animated
dialogue, the two oldest of the party (a male
and a female) being the principal speakers. It was
not to be expected that even a graduate of Oxford,
although belonging to a sect so proverbial for
classical lore, that many of them knew nothing
else, could, at the first hearing, decide upon the
analogies and character of a tongue that is so little
cultivated even in that ancient seat of learning.
Although I had now certainly a direct clue to the
root of the dialect of the speakers, I found it quite
impossible to get any useful acquaintance with the
general drift of what was passing among them.
As they were my guests, however, and might possibly
be in want of some of the conveniences that
were necessary to their habits, or might even be
suffering under still graver embarrassments, I
conceived it to be a duty to waive the ordinary
usages of society, and at once offer whatever
it was in my power to bestow, at the risk of interrupting
concerns that they might possibly wish to
consider private. Using the precaution, therefore,
to make a little noise, as the best means of
announcing my approach, the door was gently
opened, and I presented myself to view. At first,
I was a little at a loss in what manner to address
the strangers; but, believing that a people who
spoke a language so difficult of utterance and so
rich as that I had just heard, like those who use
dialects derived from the Slavonian root, were
most probably the masters of all others; and remembering,
moreover, that French was a medium of
thought among all polite people, I determined to
have recourse to that tongue.

“Messieurs et mesdames,” I said, inclining my

[figure description] Page 133.[end figure description]

body in salutation, “mille pardons pour celle intrusion
peu convenable”—but, as I am writing in English,
it may be well to translate the speeches as I proceed;
although I abandon with regret the advantage
of going through them literally, and in the appropriate
dialect in which they were orginally spoken.

“Gentlemen and ladies,” I said, inclining my body
in salutation, “I ask a thousand pardons for this
inopportune intrusion on your retirement; but overhearing
a few of what I much fear are but too
well grounded complaints, touching the false position
in which you are placed, as the occupant of
this apartment, and in that light your host, I have
ventured to approach, with no other desire than
the wish that you would make me the repository
of all your griefs, in order, if possible, that they
may be repaired as soon as circumstances shall in
any manner allow.”

The strangers were very naturally a little startled
at my unexpected appearance, and at the
substance of what I had just said. I observed
that the two ladies were apparently, in some slight
degree, even distressed, the younger turning her
head on one side in maiden modesty, while the
elder, a duenna-sort-of-looking person, dropped
her eyes to the floor, but succeeded in better
maintaining her self-possession and gravity. The
eldest of the two gentlemen approached me with
dignified composure, after a moment of hesitation;
and, returning my salute, by waving his tail with
singular grace and decorum, he answered as follows.—
I may as well state in this place, that he
spoke the French about as well as an Englishman
who has lived long enough on the continent to
fancy he can travel in the provinces without being
detected for a foreigner. Au reste, his accent was
slightly Russian, and his enunciation whistling and

[figure description] Page 134.[end figure description]

harmonious. The females, especially in some of the
lower keys of their voices, made sounds not unlike
the sighing tones of the Eolian harp. It was really
a pleasure to hear them; but I have often had
occasion to remark that, in every country but one
which I do not care to name, the language, when
uttered by the softer sex, takes new charms, and
is rendered more delightful to the ear.

“Sir,” said the stranger, when he had done
waving his tail, “I should do great injustice to my
feelings, and to the monikin character in general,
were I to neglect expressing some small portion
of the gratitude I feel on the present occasion.
Destitute, houseless, insulted wanderers and captives,
fortune has at length shed a ray of happiness
on our miserable condition, and hope begins to
shine through the cloud of our distress, like a passing
gleam of the sun. From my very tail, sir, in
my own name and in that of this excellent and
most prudent matron, and in those of these two
noble and youthful lovers, I thank you—Yes! honorable
and humane being of the genus homo, species
Anglicus, we all return our most tail-felt
acknowledgments of your goodness!”

Here the whole party gracefully bent the ornaments
in question over their heads, touching their
receding foreheads with the several tips, and
bowed.—I would have given ten thousand pounds,
at that moment, to have had a good investment in
tails, in order to emulate their form of courtesy;
but naked, shorn and destitute as I was, with a
feeling of humility, I was obliged to put my head
a little on one shoulder, and give the ordinary
English bob, in return for their more elaborate
politeness.

“If I were merely to say, sir,” I continued,
when the opening salutations were thus properly

[figure description] Page 135.[end figure description]

exchanged, “that I am charmed at this accidental
interview, the word would prove very insufficient
to express my delight. Consider this hotel as your
own; its domestics as your domestics; its stores
of condiments as your stores of condiments, and
its nominal tenant as your most humble servant
and friend. I have been greatly shocked at the
indignities to which you have hitherto been exposed,
and now promise you liberty, kindness, and
all those attentions to which, it is very apparent,
you are fully entitled by your birth, breeding, and
the delicacy of your sentiments. I congratulate
myself a thousand times for having been so fortunate
as to make your acquaintance. My greatest
desire has always been to stimulate the sympathies;
but, until to-day, various accidents have
confined the cultivation of this heaven-born property,
in a great measure, to my own species; I
now look forward, however, to a delicious career
of new-born interests in the whole of the animal
creation, I need scarcely say, in that of quadrupeds
of your family in particular.”

“Whether we belong to the class of quadrupeds
or not, is a question that has a good deal embarrassed
our own savans,” returned the stranger.
“There is an ambiguity in our physical action that
renders the point a little questionable; and therefore,
I think, the higher castes of our natural philosophers
rather prefer classing the entire monikin
species, with all its varieties, as caudæ-jactans,
or tail-wavers; adopting the term from the nobler
part of the animal formation. Is not this the better
opinion at home, my Lord Chatterino?” he asked,
turning to the youth, who stood respectfully at his
side.

“Such, I believe, my dear Doctor, was the last
classification sanctioned by the academy,” the

[figure description] Page 136.[end figure description]

young noble replied, with a readiness that proved
him to be both well-informed and intelligent, and,
at the same time, with a reserve of manner that
did equal credit to his modesty and breeding. “The
question of whether we are or are not bipeds has
greatly agitated the schools for more than three
centuries.”

“The use of this gentleman's name,” I hastily
rejoined, “my dear sir, reminds me that we are
but half acquainted with each other. Permit me to
waive ceremony, and to announce myself, at once,
as Sir John Goldencalf, Baronet, of Householder-Hall,
in the Kingdom of Great Britain, a poor admirer
of excellence wherever it is to be found, or
under whatever form, and a devotee of the system
of the `social-stake.”'

“I am happy to be admitted to the honor of this
formal introduction, Sir John. In return, I bag you
will suffer me to say that this young nobleman is, in
our own dialect, No. 6, purple; or, to translate the appellation,
my Lord Chatterino. This young lady is
No. 4, violet, or, my Lady Chatterissa. This excellent
and prudent matron is No. 4,626,243, russet, or,
Mistress Vigilance Lynx, to translate her appellation
also into the English tongue; and that I am
No. 22,817, brown-study-color, or, Dr. Reasono,
to give you a literal signification of my name,—a
poor disciple of the philosophers of our race, an
LL. D., and a F. U. D. G. E., the travelling tutor of
this heir of one of the most illustrious and the most
ancient houses of the island of Leaphigh, in the
monikin section of mortality.”

“Every syllable, learned Dr. Reasono, that falls
from your revered lips, only whets curiosity, and
adds fuel to the flame of desire, tempting me to inquire
further into your private history, your future
intentions, the polity of your species, and all those
interesting topics that will readily suggest

[figure description] Page 137.[end figure description]

themselves to one of your quick apprehension and extensive
acquirements. I dread being thought indiscreet;
and yet, putting yourself in my position, I
trust you will overlook a wish so natural and ardent.”

“Apology is unnecessary, Sir John, and nothing
would afford me greater satisfaction than to answer
any and every inquiry you may be disposed
to make.”

“Then, sir, to cut short all useless circumlocution,
suffer me to ask at once an explanation of the
system of enumeration, by which you indicate individuals? —
You are called No. 22,817, brown-study-color—”

“Or, Dr. Reasono. As you are an Englishman,
you will perhaps understand me better, if I refer to
a recent practice of the new London police. You
may have observed that the men wear letters in
red or white, and numbers on the capes of their
coats. By the letters, the passenger can refer to
the company of the officer, while the number indicates
the individual. Now, the idea of this improvement
came, I make no doubt, from our system,
under which society is divided into castes, for
the sake of harmony and subordination, and these
castes are designated by colors and shades of colors,
that are significant of their stations and pursuits—
the individual, as in the new police, being known
by the number. Our own language being exceedingly
sententious, is capable of expressing the most
elaborate of these combinations in a very few
sounds. I should add that there is no difference in
the manner of distinguishing the sexes, with the
exception that each is numbered apart, and each
has a counterpart-color to that of the same caste
in the other sex. Thus, purple and violet are both
noble, the former being masculine and the latter

[figure description] Page 138.[end figure description]

feminine, and russet being the counterpart of
brown-study-color.”

“And—excuse my natural ardor to know more—
and do you bear these numbers and colors marked
on your attire, in your own region?”

“As for attire, Sir John, the monikins are too
highly improved, mentally and physically, to need
any. It is known that in all cases, extremes meet.
The savage is nearer to nature than the merely
civilized being, and the creature that has passed
the mistifications of a middle state of improvement,
finds himself again approaching nearer to the habits,
the wishes, and the opinions of our common mother.
As the real gentleman is more simple in
manners than the distant imitator of his deportment;
as fashions and habits are always more exaggerated
in provincial towns than in polished
capitals; or, as the profound philosopher has less
pretensions than the tyro, so does our common
genus, as it draws nearer to the consummation of
its destiny, and its highest attainments, learn to reject
the most valued usages of the middle condition,
and to return, with ardor, towards nature, as
to a first love. It is on this principle, sir, that the
monikin family never wears clothes.”

“I could not but perceive that the ladies have
manifested some embarrassment ever since I entered,—
is it possible, that their delicacy has taken
the alarm, at the state of my toilet?”

“At the toilet itself, Sir John, rather than at its
state, if I must speak plainly. The female mind,
trained as it is with us, from infancy upward, in
the habits and usages of nature, is shocked by any
departure from her rules. You will know how to
make allowances for the squeamishness of the sex,
for I believe it is much alike, in this particular, let
it come from what quarter of the earth it may.”

[figure description] Page 139.[end figure description]

“I can only excuse the seeming want of politeness
by my ignorance, Dr. Reasono. Before I ask
another question, the oversight shall be repaired. I
must retire into my own chamber for an instant,
gentlemen and ladies, and I beg you will find such
sources of amusement as first offer, until I can return.
There are nuts, I believe, in this closet; sugar
is usually kept on that table, and perhaps the
ladies might find some relaxation by exercising
themselves on the chairs. In a single moment I
shall be with you again.”

Hereupon, I withdrew into my bed-chamber, and
began to lay aside the dressing-gown, as well as
my shirt. Remembering, however, that I was but
too liable to colds in the head, I returned to ask
Dr. Reasono to step in where I was for an instant.
On mentioning the difficulty, this excellent person
assumed the office of preparing his female friends
to overlook the slight innovation of my still wearing
the night-cap and slippers.

“The ladies would think nothing of it,” the philosopher
good-humoredly remarked, by way of
lessening my regrets at having wounded their sensibilities,
“were you even to appear in a military
cloak and Hessian boots, provided, it was not
thought that you were of their acquaintance, and
in their immediate society. I think you must have
often remarked among the sex of your own species,
who are frequently quite indifferent to nudities
(their prejudices running counter to ours,) that appear
in the streets, but which would cause them
instantly to run out of the room, when exhibited in
the person of an acquaintance; these conventional
asides being tolerated everywhere, by a judicious
concession of punctilios that might otherwise become
insupportable.”

[figure description] Page 140.[end figure description]

“The distinction is too reasonable to require another
word of explanation, dear sir. Now, let us
rejoin the ladies, since I am, at length, in some degree,
fit to be seen.”

I was rewarded for this bit of delicate attention,
by an approving smile from the lovely Chatterissa,
and good Mistress Lynx no longer kept her eyes
riveted on the floor, but bent them on me, with
looks of admiration and gratitude.

“Now that this little contre-tems is no longer an
obstacle,” I resumed, “permit me to continue those
inquiries which you have hitherto answered with
so much amenity, and so satisfactorily. As you
have no clothes, in what manner is the parallel between
your usage and that of the new London police
practically completed?”

“Although we have no clothes, Nature, whose
laws are never violated with impunity, but who is
as beneficent as she is absolute, has furnished us
with a downy covering to supply their places,
wherever clothes are needed for comfort. We have
coats that defy fashions, require no tailors, and
never lose their naps. But it would be inconvenient
to be totally clad in this manner; and, therefore,
the palms of our hands are, as you see, ungloved;
the portions of the frame on which we seat
ourselves are left uncovered, most probably lest
some inconvenience should arise from taking accidental
and unfavorable positions. This is the part
of the monikin frame the best adapted for receiving
paint, and the numbers of which I have spoken are
periodically renewed there, at public offices appointed
for that purpose. Our characters are so minute as
to escape the human eye; but by using that operaglass,
I make no doubt that you may still see some
of my own enregistration, although, alas! unusual
friction, great misery, and, I may say, unmerited

[figure description] Page 141.[end figure description]

wrongs, have nearly un-monikined me in this, as
well as in various other, particulars.”

As Dr. Reasono had the complaisance to turn
round, and to use his tail like the index of a black
board, by aid of the glass, I very distinctly traced
the figures to which he alluded. Instead of being
in paint, however, as he had given me reason to
anticipate, they seemed to be branded, or burnt
in, indelibly, as we commonly mark horses, thieves,
and negroes. On mentioning the fact to the philosopher,
it was explained with his usual facility
and politeness.

“You are quite right, sir,” he said; “the omission
of paint was to prevent tautology, an offence
against the simplicity of the monikin dialect, as
well as against monikin taste, that would have
been sufficient, under our opinions, even to overturn
the government.”

“Tautology!”

“Tautology, Sir John; on examining the background
of the picture, you will perceive that it is
already of a dusky, sombre hue; now, this being
of a meditative and grave character, has been
denominated by our academy the `brown-study-color;
' and it would clearly have been supererogatory
to lay the same tint upon it. No, sir; we
avoid repetitions even in our prayers, deeming
them to be so many proofs of an illogical and of
an anti-consecutive mind.”

“The system is admirable, and I see new beauties
at each moment. You enjoy the advantage,
for instance, under this mode of enumeration, of
knowing your acquaintances from behind, quite as
well as if you met them face to face!”

“The suggestion is ingenious, showing an active
and an observant mind; but it does not quite reach
the motive of the

[figure description] Page 142.[end figure description]

politico-numerical-identity-system of which we are speaking. The objects of
this arrangement are altogether of a higher and
more useful nature; nor do we usually recognize
our friends by their countenances, which at the
best are no more than so many false signals, but
by their tails.”

“This is admirable! What a facility you possess
for recognizing an acquaintance, who may
happen to be up a tree! But may I presume to
inquire, Dr. Reasono, what are the most approved
of the advantages of the politico-numerical-identity-system?
For impatience is devouring my vitals.”

“They are connected with the interests of government.
You know, sir, that society is established
for the purposes of governments, and governments,
themselves, mainly to facilitate contributions
and taxations. Now, by the numerical system,
we have every opportunity of including the whole
monikin race in the collections, as they are periodically
checked off by their numbers. The
idea was a happy thought of an eminent statician
of ours, who gained great credit at court by the
invention, and, in fact, who was admitted to the
academy in consequence of its ingenuity.”

“Still it must be admitted, my dear Doctor,”
put in Lord Chatterino, always with the modesty,
and perhaps I might add, with the generosity of
youth, “that there are some among us who deny
that society was made for governments, and who
maintain that governments were made for society;
or, in other words, for monikins.”

“Mere theorists, my good Lord; and their
opinions, even if true, are never practised on.
Practice is every thing in political matters; and
theories are of no use, except as they confirm
practice.”

“Both theory and practice are perfect,” I cried;

[figure description] Page 143.[end figure description]

“and I make no doubt that the classification into colors,
or castes, enables the authorities to commence
the imposts with the richest, or the `purples.”'

“Sir, monikin prudence never lays the foundation-stone
at the summit; it seeks the base of the
edifice; and as contributions are the walls of
society, we commence with the bottom. When
you shall know us better, Sir John Goldencalf,
you will begin to comprehend the beauty and
benevolence of the entire monikin economy.”

I now adverted to the frequent use of this word
“monikin;” and, admitting my ignorance, desired
an explanation of the term, as well as a more
general insight into the origin, history, hopes, and
polity of the interesting strangers; if they can be
so called who were already so well known to me.
Dr. Reasono admitted that the request was natural
and was entitled to respect; but he delicately suggested
the necessity of sustaining the animal functions
by nutriment, intimating that the ladies had
supped but in an indifferent way the evening
before, and acknowledging that, philosopher as he
was, he should go through the desired explanations
after improving the slight acquaintance he had
already made with certain condiments in one of
the armoires, with far more zeal and point, than
could possibly be done in the present state of his
appetite. The suggestion was so very plausible
that there was no resisting it; and, suppressing
my curiosity as well as I could, the bell was rung,
I retired to my bed-chamber to resume so much
of my attire as was necessary to the semi-civilization
of man, and then the necessary orders were
given to the domestics, who, by the way, were
suffered to remain under the influence of those
ordinary and vulgar prejudices that are pretty
generally entertained by the human, against the
monikin family.

p064-149

[figure description] Page 144.[end figure description]

Previously to separating from my new friend
Dr. Reasono, however, I took him aside, and
stated that I had an acquaintance in the hotel, a
person of singular philosophy, after the human
fashion, and a great traveller; and that I desired
permission to let him into the secret of our intended
lecture on the monikin economy, and to bring
him with me as an auditor. To this request, No.
22,817, brown-study-color, or Dr. Reasono, gave
a very cordial assent; hinting delicately, at the
same time, his expectation that this new auditor,
who, of course, was no other than Captain Noah
Poke, would not deem it disparaging to his manhood,
to consult the sensibilities of the ladies, by
appearing in the garments of that only decent and
respectable tailor and draper, nature. To this
suggestion I gave a ready approval; when each
went his way, after the usual salutations of bowing
and tail-waving, with a mutual promise of being
punctual to the appointment.