Luciana.
Adriana.
Neither my husband, nor the slave return'd,
That in such haste I sent to seek his master!
Sure, Luciana, it is two o'clock.
Luc.
Perhaps, some merchant hath invited him,
And from the mart he's somewhere gone to dinner:
Good sister, let us dine, and never fret.
A man is master of his liberty:
Time is their master; and when they see time,
They'll go or come; if so, be patient, sister.
Adr.
Why should their liberty than ours be more?
Luc.
Because their business still lyes out a-door.
Adr.
Look, when I serve him so, he takes it ill.
Luc.
Oh, know, he is the bridle of your will.
Adr.
There's none, but asses, will be bridled so.
Luc.
Why, head-strong liberty is lasht with wo.
There's nothing situate under heaven's eye,
But hath its bound in earth, in sea, in sky:
The beasts, the fishes, and the winged fowls,
Are their male's subjects, and at their controuls:
-- 13 --
Man, more divine, the master of all these,
Lord of the wide world, and wide wat'ry seas,
Indu'd with intellectual sense and soul,
Of more preheminence than fish and fowl,
Are masters to their females, and their lords:
Then let your will attend on their accords.
Adr.
This servitude makes you to keep unwed.
Luc.
Not this, but troubles of the marriage-bed.
Adr.
But were you wedded, you would bear some sway.
Luc.
Ere I learn love, I'll practise to obey.
Adr.
How if your husband start some other where?
Luc.
'Till he come home again, I would forbear.
Adr.
Patience unmov'd, no marvel tho' she pause;
They can be meek, that have no other cause:
A wretched soul, bruis'd with adversity,
We bid be quiet, when we hear it cry;
But were we burden'd with like weight of pain,
As much, or more, we should our selves complain;
So thou, that hast no unkind mate to grieve thee,
With urging helpless patience would'st relieve me:
But if thou live to see like Right bereft,
This fool-begg'd patience in thee will be left.
Luc.
Well, I will marry one day but to try;
Here comes your man, now is your husband nigh.
Enter Dromio Eph.
Adr.
Say, is your tardy master now at hand?
E. Dro.
Nay, he's at two hands with me, and that
my two ears can witness.
Adr.
Say, did'st thou speak with him? know'st thou
his mind?
E. Dro.
Ay, ay, he told his mind upon mine ear,
Beshrew his hand, I scarce could under-stand it.
Luc.
Spake he so doubtfully, thou could'st not feel
his meaning?
E. Dro.
Nay, he struck so plainly, I could too well
feel his blows; and withal so doubtfully, that I could
scarce understand them.
-- 14 --
Adr.
But say, I pr'ythee, is he coming home?
It seems, he hath great care to please his wife.
E. Dro.
Why, mistress, sure, my master is horn-mad.
Adr.
Horn-mad, thou villain?
E. Dro.
I mean not, cuckold-mad; but, sure, he's stark mad:
When I desir'd him to come home to dinner,
He ask'd me for a thousand Marks in gold:
'Tis dinner-time, quoth I; my gold, quoth he:
Your meat doth burn, quoth I; my gold, quoth he:
Will you come home, quoth I? my gold, quoth he:
Where is the thousand Marks I gave thee, villain?
The pig, quoth I, is burn'd; my gold, quoth he.
My mistress, Sir, quoth I; hang up thy mistress;
I know not thy mistress; out on thy mistress!
Luc.
Quoth who?
E. Dro.
Quoth my master:
I know, quoth he, no house, no wife, no mistress;
So that my errand, due unto my tongue,
I thank him, I bare home upon my shoulders:
For, in conclusion, he did beat me there.
Adr.
Go back again, thou slave, and fetch him home.
E. Dro.
Go back again, and be new beaten home?
For God's sake, send some other messenger.
Adr.
Back, slave, or I will break thy pate across.
E. Dro.
And he will bless that Cross with other beating:
Between you I shall have a holy head.
Adr.
Hence, prating peasant, fetch thy master home.
E. Dro.
Am I so round with you as you with me,
That like a foot-ball you do spurn me thus?
You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither:
If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.
[Exit.
Luc.
Fie, how impatience lowreth in your face!
Adr.
His company must do his minions grace,
Whilst I at home starve for a merry look:
Hath homely age th' alluring beauty took
From my poor cheek? then, he hath wasted it.
Are my discourses dull? barren my wit?
-- 15 --
If voluble and sharp discourse be marr'd,
Unkindness blunts it, more than marble hard.
Do their gay vestments his affections bait?
That's not my fault: he's master of my state.
What ruins are in me, that can be found
By him not ruin'd? then, is he the ground
Of my defeatures. My decayed Fair
A sunny look of his would soon repair.
But, too unruly Deer, he breaks the pale,
And feeds from home; poor I am but his Stale.
Luc.
Self-harming jealousie!—fie, beat it hence.
Adr.
Unfeeling fools can with such wrongs dispense:
I know, his eye doth homage other-where;
Or else what lets it, but he would be here?
Sister, you know, he promis'd me a Chain;
Would that alone, alone, he would detain,
So he would keep fair quarter with his bed.
I see, the jewel, best enameled,(5) note
Will lose his beauty; and the gold bides still,
That others touch: yet often touching will
Wear Gold: and so no Man, that hath a Name,
But Falshood, and Corruption, doth it shame.
Since that my beauty cannot please his eye,
I'll weep what's left away, and weeping die.
Luc.
How many fond fools serve mad jealousie!
[Exeunt.
-- 16 --
Scene 2
SCENE changes to the Street.
Enter Antipholis of Syracuse.
Ant.
The gold I gave to Dromio is laid up
Safe at the Centaur; and the heedful slave
Is wander'd forth in care to seek me out.
By computation, and mine Host's report,
I could not speak with Dromio, since at first
I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.
Enter Dromio of Syracuse.
How now, Sir? is your merry humour alter'd?
As you love stroaks, so jest with me again.
You know no Centaur? you receiv'd no gold?
Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?
My house was at the Phœnix? wast thou mad,
That thus so madly thou didst answer me?
S. Dro.
What answer, Sir? when spake I such a word?
Ant.
Even now, even here, not half an hour since.
S. Dro.
I did not see you since you sent me hence
Home to the Centaur, with the gold you gave me.
Ant.
Villain, thou didst deny the gold's receipt;
And told'st me of a mistress, and a dinner;
For which, I hope, thou felt'st I was displeas'd.
S. Dro.
I'm glad to see you in this merry vein:
What means this jest, I pray you, master, tell me?
Ant.
Yea, dost thou jeer and flout me in the teeth?
Think'st thou, I jest? hold, take thou that, and that.
[Beats Dro.
S. Dro.
Hold, Sir, for God's sake, now your jest is earnest;
Upon what bargain do you give it me?
Ant.
Because that I familiarly sometimes
Do use you for my fool, and chat with you,
Your sawciness will jest upon my love,
And make a common of my serious hours.
When the Sun shines, let foolish gnats make sport;
-- 17 --
But creep in crannies, when he hides his beams:
If you will jest with me, know my aspect,
And fashion your demeanour to my looks;
Or I will beat this method in your sconce.
S. Dro.
Sconce, call you it? so you would leave
battering, I had rather have it a head; an you use
these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head,
and insconce it too, or else I shall seek my wit in
my shoulders: but, I pray, Sir, why am I beaten?
Ant.
Dost thou not know?
S. Dro.
Nothing, Sir, but that I am beaten.
Ant.
Shall I tell you why?
S. Dro.
Ay, Sir, and wherefore; for they say, every
why hath a wherefore.
Ant.
Why, first, for flouting me; and then wherefore,
for urging it the second time to me.
S. Dro.
Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season,
When, in the why, and wherefore, is neither rhime nor reason?
Well, Sir, I thank you.
Ant.
Thank me, Sir, for what?
S. Dro.
Marry, Sir, for this something that you gave
me for nothing.
Ant.
I'll make you amends next, to give you nothing
for something. But say, Sir, is it dinner-time?
S. Dro.
No, Sir, I think, the meat wants that I have.
Ant.
In good time, Sir; what's that?
S. Dro.
Basting.
Ant.
Well, Sir, then 'twill be dry.
S. Dro.
If it be, Sir, I pray you eat none of it.
Ant.
Your reason?
S. Dro.
Lest it make you cholerick, and purchase me
another dry-basting.
Ant.
Well, Sir, learn to jest in good time; there's
a time for all things.
S. Dro.
I durst have deny'd that, before you were so
cholerick.
Ant.
By what rule, Sir?
-- 18 --
S. Dro.
Marry, Sir, by a rule as plain as the plain
bald pate of father Time himself.
Ant.
Let's hear it.
S. Dro.
There's no time for a man to recover his
hair, that grows bald by nature.
Ant.
May he not do it by fine and recovery?
S. Dro.
Yes, to pay a fine for a peruke, and recover
the lost hair of another man.
(6) note
Ant.
Why is Time such a niggard of hair, being,
as it is, so plentiful an excrement?
S. Dro.
Because it is a blessing that he bestows on
beasts; and what he hath scanted men in hair, he hath
given them in wit.
Ant.
Why, but there's many a man hath more hair
than wit.
S. Dro.
Not a man of those, but he hath the wit to
lose his hair.
Ant.
Why, thou didst conclude hairy men plain
dealers without wit.
S. Dro.
The plainer dealer, the sooner lost; yet he
loseth it in a kind of jollity.
Ant.
For what reason?
S. Dro.
For two, and sound ones too.
Ant.
Nay, not sound, I pray you.
S. Dro.
Sure ones then.
Ant.
Nay, not sure in a thing falsing.
S. Dro.
Certain ones then.
Ant.
Name them.
S. Dro.
The one to save the money that he spends
in tyring; the other, that at dinner they should not
drop in his porridge.
-- 19 --
Ant.
You would all this time have prov'd, there is
no time for all things.
S. Dro.
Marry, and did, Sir; namely, no time to
recover hair lost by nature.
Ant.
But your reason was not substantial, why there
is no time to recover.
S. Dro.
Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald, and
therefore to the world's end will have bald Followers.
Ant.
I knew, 'twould be a bald conclusion: but,
soft! who wafts us yonder?
Enter Adriana, and Luciana.
Adri.
Ay, ay, Antipholis, look strange and frown,
Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects:
I am not Adriana, nor thy wife.
The time was once, when thou, unurg'd, wouldst vow,
That never words were musick to thine ear,
That never object pleasing in thine eye,
That never Touch well welcome to thy Hand,
That never Meat sweet-savour'd in thy Taste,
Unless I spake, or look'd, or touch'd, or carv'd.
How comes it now, my husband, oh, how comes it,
That thou art thus estranged from thy self?
Thy self I call it, being strange to me:
That, undividable, incorporate,
Am better than thy dear self's better part.
Ah, do not tear away thy self from me:
For know, my love, as easie may'st thou fall
A drop of water in the breaking gulph,
And take unmingled thence that drop again,
Without addition or diminishing,
As take from me thy self; and not me too.
How dearly would it touch thee to the quick,
Should'st thou but hear, I were licentious?
And that this body, consecrate to thee,
By ruffian lust should be contaminate?
Would'st thou not spit at me, and spurn at me,
And hurl the name of husband in my face,
And tear the stain'd skin of my harlot-brow,
And from my false hand cut the wedding-ring,
-- 20 --
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?
I know thou can'st; and therefore, see, thou do it.
I am possess'd with an adulterate blot;
My blood is mingled with the crime of lust:
For if we two be one, and thou play false,
I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
Being strumpeted by thy contagion.
Keep then fair league, and truce with thy true bed;
I live dis-stain'd, thou undishonoured.(7) note
Ant.
Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not:
In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
As strange unto your town as to your talk.
Who, every word by all my wit being scann'd,
Wants wit in all one word to understand.
Luc.
Fie, brother, how the world is chang'd with you;
When were you wont to use my sister thus?
She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
Ant.
By Dromio?
S. Dro.
By me?
Adr.
By thee; and thus thou didst return from him,
That he did buffet thee, and in his blows
Deny'd my house for his, me for his wife.
Ant.
Did you converse, Sir, with this gentlewoman?
What is the course and drift of your compact?
S. Dro.
I, Sir? I never saw her 'till this time.
Ant.
Villain, thou liest; for even her very words
Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.
S. Dro.
I never spoke with her in all my life.
Ant.
How can she thus then call us by our names,
Unless it be by inspiration?
Adr.
How ill agrees it with your gravity,
To counterfeit thus grosly with your slave,
Abetting him to thwart me in my mood?
-- 21 --
Be it my wrong, you are from me exempt,
But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine;
Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine:
Whose weakness, marry'd to thy stronger state,
Makes me with thy strength to communicate;
If ought possess thee from me, it is dross,
Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss;
Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion
Infect thy sap, and live on thy confusion.
Ant.
To me she speaks; she moves me for her theam;
What was I marry'd to her in my dream?
Or sleep I now, and think I hear all this?
What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?
Until I know this sure uncertainty,
I'll entertain the favour'd fallacy.
Luc.
Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.
S. Dro.
Oh, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner.
This is the Fairy land: oh, spight of spights!
We talk with goblins, ouphs, and elvish sprights;(8) note
If we obey them not, this will ensue,
They'll suck our breath, and pinch us black and blue.
Luc.
Why prat'st thou to thy self, and answer'st not?(9) note
-- 22 --
Dromio, thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot.
S. Dro.
I am transformed, master, am not I?
Ant.
I think, thou art in mind, and so am I.
S. Dro.
Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.
Ant.
Thou hast thine own form.
S. Dro.
No; I am an ape.
Luc.
If thou art chang'd to ought, 'tis to an ass.
S. Dro.
'Tis true; she rides me, and I long for grass.
'Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never be,
But I shou'd know her, as well as she knows me.
Adr.
Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,
To put the finger in the eye and weep,
Whilst man and master laugh my woes to Scorn.
Come, Sir, to dinner; Dromio, keep the gate;
Husband, I'll dine above with you to day,
And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks;
Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
Say, he dines forth, and let no creature enter:
Come, sister; Dromio, play the porter well.
Ant.
Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
Sleeping or waking, mad or well advis'd?
Known unto these, and to my self disguis'd?
I'll say as they say, and persever so;
And in this mist at all adventures go.
S. Dro.
Master, shall I be porter at the gate?
Adr.
Ay, let none enter, lest I break your pate.
Luc.
Come, come, Antipholis, we dine too late.
[Exeunt.
-- 23 --
Lewis Theobald [1733], The works of Shakespeare: in seven volumes. Collated with the Oldest Copies, and Corrected; With notes, Explanatory and Critical; By Mr. Theobald (Printed for A. Bettesworth and C. Hitch [and] J. Tonson [etc.], London) [word count] [S11201].
