Petruchio's Country House.
Enter Grumio.
Grumio.
Fie, fie on all tired jades, and all mad masters,
and all foul ways! was ever man so beaten? was
ever man so raide? was ever man so weary? I
am sent before, to make a fire; and they are coming
after, to warm them: now were I not a little pot, and
soon hot, my very lips might freeze to my teeth, my
tongue to the roof of my mouth, my heart in my belly,
ere I should come by a fire to thaw me; but I with
blowing the fire shall warm my self; for considering
the weather, a taller man than I will take cold: holla,
hoa, Curtis!
Enter Curtis.
Curt.
Who is it that calls so coldly?
Gru.
A piece of ice. If thou doubt it, thou may'st
slide from my shoulder to my heel, with no greater a
run but my head and my neck. A fire, good Curtis.
Curt.
Is my master and his wife coming, Grumio?
Gru.
Oh, ay, Curtis, ay; and therefore fire, fire;
cast on no water.
Curt.
Is she so hot a Shrew, as she's reported?
Gru.
She was, good Curtis, before this frost; but
thou know'st, winter tames man, woman and beast;
for it hath tam'd my old master, and my new mistress,
and my self, fellow Curtis.
Curt.
Away, you three-inch'd fool; I am no beast.
Gru.
(18) noteAm I but three inches? why, my horn is
a foot, and so long am I at the least. But wilt thou
-- 323 --
make a fire, or shall I complain on thee to our mistress,
whose hand, she being now at hand, thou shalt
soon feel to thy cold comfort, for being slow in thy
hot office.
Curt.
I pr'ythee, good Grumio, tell me, how goes
the world?
Gru.
A cold world, Curtis, in every office but thine;
and therefore fire: do thy duty, and have thy duty;
for my master and mistress are almost frozen to death.
Curt.
There's fire ready; and therefore, good Grumio,
the news.
Gru.
Why, Jack boy, ho boy, and as much news
as thou wilt.
Curt.
Come, you are so full of conycatching.
Gru.
Why, therefore, fire; for I have caught extream
cold. Where's the cook? is supper ready, the
house trimm'd, rushes strew'd, cobwebs swept, the
servingmen in their new fustian, their white stockings,
and every officer his wedding garment on? be the
Jacks fair within, the Jills fair without, carpets laid,
and every thing in order?
Curt.
All ready: and therefore, I pray thee, what
news?
Gru.
First, know, my horse is tired, my master and
mistress fall'n out.
Curt.
How?
Gru.
Out of their laddles into the dirt; and thereby
hangs a tale.
Curt.
Let's ha't, good Grumio.
Gru.
Lend thine ear.
Curt.
Here.
Gru.
There.
[Strikes him.
Curt.
This is to feel a tale, not to hear a tale.
Gru.
And therefore 'tis call'd a sensible tale: and
this cuff was but to knock at your ear, and beseech
listning. Now I begin: imprimis, we came down a
foul hill, my master riding behind my mistress.
-- 324 --
Curt.
Both on one horse?
Gru.
What's that to thee?
Curt.
Why, a horse.
Gru.
Tell thou the tale.—But hadst thou not
crost me, thou should'st have heard how her horse fell,
and she under her horse: thou should'st have heard in
how miry a place, how she was bemoil'd, how he left
her with the horse upon her, how he beat me because
her horse stumbled, how she waded through the dirt
to pluck him off me; how he swore, how she pray'd
that never pray'd before; how I cry'd, how the horses
ran away; how her bridle was burst, how I lost my
crupper; with many things of worthy memory, which
now shall die in oblivion, and thou return unexperienc'd
to thy grave.
Curt.
By this reckoning he is more shrew than she.
Gru.
Ay, and that thou and the proudest of you all
shall find, when he comes home. But what talk I of
this? call forth Nathaniel, Joseph, Nicholas, Philip,
Walter, Sugersop, and the rest: let their heads be sleekly
comb'd, their blue coats brush'd, and their garters
of an indifferent knit; let them curt'sie with their left
legs, and not presume to touch a hair of my master's
horse tail, 'till they kiss their hands. Are they all
ready?
Curt.
They are.
Gru.
Call them forth.
Curt.
Do you hear, ho? you must meet my master
to countenance my mistress.
Gru.
Why, she hath a face of her own.
Curt.
Who knows not that?
Gru.
Thou, it seems, that call'st for company to
countenance her.
Curt.
I call them forth to credit her.
Enter four or five Serving-men.
Gru.
Why, she comes to borrow nothing of them.
Nat.
Welcome home, Grumio.
Phil.
How, now, Grumio?
Jos.
What, Grumio!
-- 325 --
Nich.
Fellow Grumio!
Nath.
How now, old lad.
Gru.
Welcome, you; how now, you; what, you;
fellow, you; and thus much for greeting. Now, my
spruce companions, is all ready, and all things neat?
Nat.
All things are ready; how near is our master?
Gru.
E'en at hand, alighted by this; and therefore
be not—cock's passion, silence!—I hear my
master.
Enter Petruchio and Kate.
Pet.
Where be these knaves? what, no man at door
to hold my stirrup, nor to take my horse? where is
Nathaniel, Gregory, Philip?
All Serv:
Here, here, Sir; here, Sir.
Pet.
Here, Sir, here, Sir, here, Sir, here, Sir?
You loggerheaded and unpolish'd grooms:
What? no attendance? no regard? no duty?
Where is the foolish knave I sent before?
Gru.
Here, Sir, as foolish as I was before.
Pet.
You peasant swain, you whoreson, malt-horse drudge,
Did not I bid thee meet me in the park,
And bring along these rascal knaves with thee?
Gru.
Nathaniel's coat, Sir, was not fully made:
And Gabriel's pumps were all unpink'd i' th' heel:
There was no link to colour Peter's hat,
And Walter's dagger was not come from sheathing:
There were none fine, but Adam, Ralph, and Gregory,
The rest were ragged, old and beggarly,
Yet as they are, here are they come to meet you.
Pet.
Go, rascals, go, and fetch my supper in.
[Exeunt Servants.
Where is the life that late I led?
Where are those—sit down, Kate,
And welcome. Soud, soud, soud, soud.
Enter Servants with Supper.
Why, when, I say? nay, good sweet Kate, be merry.
Off with my boots, you rogue: you villains, when?
-- 326 --
It was the Friar of Orders grey,
[Sings.
As he forth walked on his way.
Out, out, you rogue! you pluck my foot awry.
Take that, and mind the plucking off the other.
[Strikes him.
Be merry, Kate: some water here; what hoa!
Enter one with water.
Where's my spaniel Troilus? sirrah, get you hence,
And bid my cousin Ferdinand come hither:
One, Kate, that you must kiss, and be acquainted with,
Where are my slippers? shall I have some water?
Come, Kate, and wash, and welcome heartily:
You whoreson villain, will you let it fall?
Cath.
Patience, I pray you, 'twas a fault unwilling.
Pet.
A whoreson, beatle-headed, flap-ear'd knave:
Come, Kate, sit down; I know, you have a stomach.
Will you give thanks, sweet Kate, or else shall I?
What's this, mutton?
1 Ser.
Yes.
Pet.
Who brought it?
Ser.
I.
Pet.
'Tis burnt, and so is all the meat:
What dogs are these? where is the rascal cook?
How durst you, villains, bring it from the dresser,
And serve it thus to me that love it not?
There, take it to you, trenchers, cups and all:
[Throws the meat, &c. about the stage.
You headless jolt-heads, and unmanner'd slaves!
What, do you grumble? I'll be with you straight.
Cath.
I pray you, husband, be not so disquiet;
The meat was well, if you were so contented.
Pet.
I tell thee, Kate, 'twas burnt and dry'd away,
And I expresly am forbid to touch it:
For it engenders choler, planteth anger;
And better 'twere, that Both of us did fast,
Since, of our selves, our selves are cholerick,
Than feed it with such over-roasted flesh:
Be patient, for to morrow't shall be mended,
-- 327 --
And for this night we'll fast for company.
Come, I will bring thee to thy bridal chamber.
[Exe.
Enter Servants severally.
Nath.
Peter, didst ever see the like?
Peter.
He kills her in her own humour.
Gru.
Where is he?
Enter Curtis, a Servant.
Curt.
In her chamber, making a sermon of continency to her,
And rails and swears, and rates; that she, poor soul,
Knows not which way to stand, to look, to speak,
And sits as one new-risen from a dream.
Away, away, for he is coming hither.
[Exeunt.
Enter Petruchio.
Pet.
Thus have I politickly begun my reign,
And 'tis my hope to end successfully:
My faulcon now is sharp, and passing empty,
And till she stoop, she must not be full-gorg'd,
For then she never looks upon her lure.
Another way I have to man my haggard,
To make her come, and know her keeper's Call:
That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites,
That bait and beat, and will not be obedient.
She eat no meat to day, nor none shall eat.
Last night she slept not, nor to night shall not:
As with the meat, some undeserved fault
I'll find about the making of the bed.
And here I'll fling the pillow, there the bolster,
This way the coverlet, that way the sheets;
Ay; and, amid this hurly, I'll pretend,
That all is done in reverend care of her,
And in conclusion, she shall watch all night:
And if she chance to nod, I'll rail and brawl,
And with the clamour keep her still awake.
This is a way to kill a wife with kindness;—
And thus I'll curb her mad and headstrong humour.
He that knows better how to tame a Shrew,
Now let him speak, 'tis charity to shew.
[Exit.
-- 328 --
Lewis Theobald [1733], The works of Shakespeare: in seven volumes. Collated with the Oldest Copies, and Corrected; With notes, Explanatory and Critical; By Mr. Theobald (Printed for A. Bettesworth and C. Hitch [and] J. Tonson [etc.], London) [word count] [S11201].
