Verges, with the Watch.
Dogb.
Are you good men and true?
Verg.
Yea, or else it were pity but they
should suffer salvation, body and soul.
Dogb.
Nay, that were a punishment too good for
them, if they should have any allegiance in them, being
chosen for the Prince's Watch.
Verg.
Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.
Dogb.
First, who think you the most desartless man
to be constable?
1 Watch.
Hugh Oatecake, Sir, or George Seacole; for
they can write and read.
Dogb.
Come hither, neighbour Seacole: God hath
blest you with a good name; and to be a well-favour'd
man is the gift of fortune, but to write and read comes
by nature.
2 Watch.
Both which, master constable—
Dogb.
You have: I knew, it would be your answer.
Well, for your Favour, Sir, why, give God thanks,
-- 445 --
and make no boast of it; and for your writing and
reading, let that appear when there is no need of
such vanity: you are thought here to be the most
senseless and fit man for the Constable of the Watch,
therefore bear you the lanthorn; this is your charge:
you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid
any man stand in the Prince's name.
2 Watch.
How if he will not stand?
Dogb.
Why, then take no note of him, but let him
go; and presently call the rest of the Watch together,
and thank God you are rid of a knave.
Verg.
If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is
none of the Prince's Subjects.
Dogb.
True, and they are to meddle with none but
the Prince's Subjects: you shall also make no noise in
the streets; for, for the Watch to babble and talk, is
most tolerable, and not to be endur'd.
2 Watch.
We will rather sleep, than talk; we know
what belongs to a Watch.
Dogb.
Why, you speak like an ancient and most
quiet watchman, for I cannot see how Sleeping should
offend; only have a care that your Bills be not stolen:
well, you are to call at all the ale-houses, and bid
them that are drunk get them to bed.
2 Watch.
How if they will not?
Dogb.
Why, then let them alone 'till they are sober;
if they make you not then the better answer, you may
say, they are not the men you took them for.
2 Watch.
Well, Sir.
Dogb.
If you meet a thief, you may suspect him by
vertue of your office to be no true man; and for such
kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them,
why, the more is for your honesty.
2 Watch.
If we know him to be a thief, shall we
not lay hands on him?
Dogb.
Truly, by your office you may; but, I think,
they that touch pitch will be defil'd: the most peaceable
way for you, if you do take a thief, is, to let
him shew himself what he is, and steal out of your
company.
-- 446 --
Verg.
You have been always call'd a merciful man,
Partner.
Dogb.
Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will,
much more a man who hath any honesty in him.
Verg.
If you hear a child cry in the night, you must
call to the nurse and bid her still it.
2 Watch.
How if the nurse be asleep, and will not
hear us?
Dogb.
Why, then depart in peace, and let the child
wake her with crying: for the ewe that will not hear
her lamb when it baes, will never answer a calf when
he bleats.
Verg.
'Tis very true.
Dogb.
This is the end of the charge: you, constable,
are to present the Prince's own person; if you
meet the Prince in the night, you may stay him.
Verg.
Nay, birlady, that, I think, he cannot.
Dogb.
Five shillings to one on't with any man that
knows the Statues, he may stay him; marry, not without
the Prince be willing: for, indeed, the Watch ought
to offend no man; and it is an offence to stay a man
against his will.
Verg.
Birlady, I think, it be so.
Dogb.
Ha, ha, ha! well, masters, good night; an
there be any matter of weight chances, call up me;
keep your fellow's counsels and your own, and good
night; come, neighbour.
2 Watch.
Well, masters, we hear our charge; let
us go sit here upon the church-bench 'till two, and
then all to bed.
Dogb.
One word more, honest neighbours. I pray
you, watch about Signior Leonato's door, for the Wedding
being there to morrow, there is a great coil to
night; adieu; be vigilant, I beseech you.
[Exeunt Dogberry and Verges.
Enter Borachio and Conrade.
Bora.
What? Conrade,—
Watch.
Peace, stir not.
[Aside.
Bora.
Conrade, I say.
-- 447 --
Conr.
Here, man, I am at thy elbow.
Bora.
Mass, and my elbow itch'd, I thought there
would a scab follow.
Conr.
I will owe thee an answer for that, and now
forward with thy tale.
Bora.
Stand thee close then under this pent-house,
for it drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard,
utter all to thee.
Watch.
Some treason, masters; yet stand close.
Bora.
Therefore know, I have earned of Don John
a thousand ducats.
Conr.
Is it possible that any villany should be so
dear?
Bora.
Thou should'st rather ask, if it were possible
any villany should be so rich? for when rich villains
have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what
price they will.
Conr.
I wonder at it.
Bora.
That shews, thou art unconfirm'd; thou knowest,
that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak
is nothing to a man.
Conr.
Yes, it is apparel.
Bora.
I mean, the fashion.
Conr.
Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
Bora.
Tush, I may as well say, the fool's the fool;
but seest thou not, what a deformed thief this fashion
is?
Watch.
I know that Deformed; he has been a vile
thief this seven years; he goes up and down like a
gentleman: I remember his name.
Bora.
Didst thou not hear some body?
Conr.
No, 'twas the vane on the house.
Bora.
Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief
this fashion is? how giddily he turns about all the hot-bloods
between fourteen and five and thirty; sometimes
fashioning them like Pharao's soldiers in the
reachy painting; sometimes, like the God Bel's priests
in the old church-window; sometimes, like the shaven
Hercules in the smirch'd worm-eaten tapestry, where
his codpiece seems as massie as his club.
-- 448 --
Conr.
All this I see, and see, that the fashion wears
out more apparel than the man; but art not thou thy
self giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast shifted
out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?
Bora.
Not so neither; but know, that I have to
night wooed Margaret, the lady Hero's gentlewoman,
by the name of Hero; she leans me out at her mistress's
chamber-window, bids me a thousand times,
good night—I tell this tale vildly—I should first
tell thee, how the Prince, Claudio, and my master,
planted and placed, and possessed by my master Don
John, saw a far off in the orchard this amiable encounter.
Conr.
And thought they, Margaret was Hero?
Bora.
Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio;
but the devil my master knew, she was Margaret; and
partly by his oaths, which first possest them, partly by
the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly by
my villany, which did confirm any slander that Don
John had made, away went Claudio enraged; swore,
he would meet her as he was appointed next morning
at the Temple, and there before the whole Congregation
shame her with what he saw o'er night, and
send her home again without a husband.
1 Watch.
We charge you in the Prince's name, stand.
2 Watch.
Call up the right master constable; we have
here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery
that ever was known in the common-wealth.
1 Watch.
And one Deformed is one of them; I know
him, he wears a lock.
Conr.
Masters, masters,—(15) note
-- 449 --
2 Watch.
You'll be made bring Deformed forth, I
warrant you.
Conr.
Masters,—
1 Watch.
Never speak; we charge you, let us obey
you to go with us.
Bora.
We are like to prove a goodly commodity,
being taken up of these mens bills.
Conr.
A commodity in question, I warrant you:
come, we'll obey you.
[Exeunt.
Lewis Theobald [1733], The works of Shakespeare: in seven volumes. Collated with the Oldest Copies, and Corrected; With notes, Explanatory and Critical; By Mr. Theobald (Printed for A. Bettesworth and C. Hitch [and] J. Tonson [etc.], London) [word count] [S11201].
