Simple.
Host.
What would'st thou have, boor? what,
thick-skin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief,
short, quick, snap.
Simp.
Marry, Sir, I come to speak with Sir John
Falstaff, from Mr. Slender.
Host.
There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with
the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new; go, knock
and call; he'll speak like an anthropophaginian unto
thee: knock, I say.
Simp.
There's an old woman, a fat woman gone up
-- 293 --
into his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, Sir, 'till she
come down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host.
Ha! a fat woman? the Knight may be robb'd:
I'll call. Bully-Knight! bully-Sir John! speak from
thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine Host,
thine Ephesian calls.
Falstaff, above.
Fal.
How now, mine Host?
Host.
Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming
down of thy fat woman: let her descend, bully, let
her descend; my chambers are honourable. Fie, privacy?
fie!
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
There was, mine Host, an old fat woman even
now with me, but she's gone.
Simp.
Pray you, Sir, was't not the wise woman of
Brainford?
Fal.
Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell, what would you
with her?
Simp.
My master, Sir, my master Slender sent to her,
seeing her go thro' the street, to know, Sir, whether
one Nym, Sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had the
chain, or no.
Fal.
I spake with the old woman about it.
Simp.
And what says she, I pray, Sir?
Fal.
Marry, she says, that the very same man, that
beguil'd master Slender of his chain, cozen'd him of it.
Simp.
I would, I could have spoken with the woman
her self; I had other things to have spoken with
her too, from him.
Fal.
What are they? let us know.
Host.
Ay, come; quick.
Simp.
I may not conceal them, Sir.
Fal.
Conceal them, or thou dy'st.
Simp.
Why, Sir, they were nothing but about mistress
Anne Page; to know, if it were my master's fortune
to have her or no.
Fal.
'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
Simp.
What, Sir?
Fal.
To have her, or no: go; say, the woman told
me so.
-- 294 --
Simp.
May I be so bold to say so, Sir?
Fal.
Ay, Sir; like who more bold.
Simp.
I thank your worship: I shall make my master
glad with these tidings.
[Exit Simple.
Host.
Thou art clarkly; thou art clarkly, Sir John:
was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal.
Ay, that there was, mine Host; one, that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learn'd before in my
life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid
for my learning.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Out, alas, Sir, cozenage! meer cozenage!
Host.
Where be my horses? speak well of them,
varletto.
Bard.
Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I
came beyond Eaton, they threw me off from behind
one of them in a slough of mire, and set spurs, and
away; like three German devils, three Doctor Faustus's.
Host.
They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain;
do not say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter Evans.
Eva.
Where is mine Host?
Host.
What is the matter, Sir?
Eva.
Have a care of your entertainments; there is
a friend o'mine come to town, tells me, there is three
cozen-jermans that has cozen'd all the Hosts of Readings,
of Maiden-head, of Colebrook, of horses and mony.
I tell you for good will, look you; you are wise,
and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and 'tis not convenient
you should be cozen'd; fare you well.
[Exit.
Enter Caius.
Caius.
Ver' is mine Host de Jarteer?
Host.
Here, master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
dilemma.
Caius.
I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a-me,
dat you make a grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany;
-- 295 --
by my trot, der is no Duke, dat the Court is
know, to come: I tell you for good will; adieu.
[Ex.
Host.
Hue and cry, villain, go! assist me, Knight,
I am undone; fly, run, hue and cry! Villain, I am
undone!
[Exit.
Fal.
I would, all the world might be cozen'd, for I
have been cozened and beaten too. If it should come
to the ear of the Court, how I have been transformed,
and how my transformation hath been wash'd and
cudgel'd, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by
drop, and liquor fishermens boots with me. I warrant,
they would whip me with their fine wits, 'till I
were as crest-faln as a dry'd pear. I never prosper'd
since I forswore my self at Primero. Well, if my wind
were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.—
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Now, whence come you?
Quic.
From the two parties, forsooth.
Fal.
The devil take one party, and his dam the other,
and so they shall be both bestow'd. I have suffer'd
more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy
of man's disposition is able to bear.
Quic.
And have not they suffer'd? yes, I warrant,
speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good heart, is
beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot
about her.
Fal.
What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I
was beaten my self into all the colours of the rainbow;
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch
of Brainford; but that my admirable dexterity of wit,
counterfeiting the (26) noteaction of a wood woman, deliver'd
-- 296 --
me, the knave constable had set me i'th' stocks,
i'th' common stocks for a witch.
Quic.
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber;
you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your
content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
hearts, what ado is here to bring you together? sure,
one of you does not serve heav'n well, that you are so
cross'd.
Fal.
Come up into my chamber.
[Exeunt.
Enter Fenton and Host.
Host.
Master Fenton, talk not to me, my mind is
heavy, I will give over all.
Fent.
Yet hear me speak; assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
Host.
I will hear you, master Fenton; and I will, at
the least, keep your counsel.
Fent.
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection,
(So far forth as her self might be her chuser)
Ev'n to my wish. I have a letter from her
Of such contents, as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof's so larded with my matter,
That neither singly can be manifested,
Without the shew of both. Fat Sir John Falstaff
Hath a great Scene; the image of the jest
I'll shew you here at large. Hark, good mine Host;
To night at Herne's Oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the fairy Queen;
The purpose why, is here; in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him at Eaton
-- 297 --
Immediately to marry; she hath consented.—Now, Sir,
Her mother, ever strong against that match,
And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their minds;
And at the Deanry, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her; To this her mother's Plot
She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath
Made promise to the Doctor.—Now, thus it rests;
Her father means she shall be all in white,
And in that dress when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand, and bid her go,
She shall go with him.—Her mother hath intended,
The better to devote her to the Doctor,
(For they must all be mask'd and vizarded)
That, quaint in green, she shall be loose enrob'd,
With ribbands-pendent, flaring 'bout her head;
And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and on that token,
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
Host.
Which means she to deceive? father or mother?
Fent.
Both, my good Host, to go along with me;
And here it rests, that you'll procure the Vicar
To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one,
And in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
Host.
Well, husband your device; I'll to the Vicar.
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
Fent.
So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
Beside, I'll make a present recompence.
[Exeunt.
Re-enter Falstaff and Mistress Quickly.
Fal.
Pr'ythee, no more pratling; go, I'll hold. This
is the third time; I hope, good luck lyes in odd numbers;
away, go; they say, there is divinity in odd
numbers, either in nativity, chance or death; away.
Quic.
I'll provide you a chain, and I'll do what I
can to get you a pair of horns.
[Exit Mrs. Quickly.
-- 298 --
Fal.
Away, I say, time wears: hold up your head
and mince.
Enter Ford.
How now, master Brook? master Brook, the matter
will be known to night, or never. Be you in the
Park about mid-night, at Herne's oak, and you shall
see wonders.
Ford.
Went you not to her yesterday, Sir, as you
told me you had appointed?
Fal.
I went to her, master Brook, as you see, like a
poor old man; but I came from her, master Brook,
like a poor old woman. That same knave, Ford her
husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousie in him,
master Brook, that ever govern'd frenzy. I will tell
you; he beat me grievously, in the shape of a woman;
for in the shape of a man, master Brook, I fear
not Goliah with a weaver's beam; because I know also,
life is a shuttle; I am in haste; go along with me,
I'll tell you all, master Brook. Since I pluckt geese,
play'd truant, and whipt top, I knew not what 'twas
to be beaten, 'till lately. Follow me, I'll tell you
strange things of this knave Ford, on whom to night
I will be reveng'd, and I will deliver his wife into your
hand. Follow; strange things in hand, master Brook!
follow.—
[Exeunt.
Lewis Theobald [1733], The works of Shakespeare: in seven volumes. Collated with the Oldest Copies, and Corrected; With notes, Explanatory and Critical; By Mr. Theobald (Printed for A. Bettesworth and C. Hitch [and] J. Tonson [etc.], London) [word count] [S11201].
