Hugh Evans.
Shallow.
Sir Hugh, perswade me not; I will make
a Star-Chamber matter of it: if he were
twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse
Robert Shallow, Esq;
Slen.
In the county of Gloucester, justice
of peace, and Coram.
Shal.
Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum.
-- 224 --
Slen.
Ay, and Rato-lorum too; and a gentleman born,
master parson, who writes himself Armigero in any bill,
warrant, quittance, or obligation, Armigero.
Shal.
Ay, that I do, and have done any time these
three hundred years.
Slen.
All his successors, gone before him, have don't;
and all his ancestors, that come after him, may; they
may give the dozen white luces in their Coat.
Shal.
It is an old Coat.
Eva.
The dozen white lowses do become an old
coat well; it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast
to man, and signifies love.
Shal.
The luce is the fresh-fish, the salt-fish is an old
Coat.
Slen.
I may quarter, coz.
Shal.
You may by marrying.
Eva.
It is marring, indeed, if he quarter it.
Shal.
Not a whit.
Eva.
Yes, per-lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,
there is but three skirts for your self, in my simple
conjectures; but that is all one: if Sir John Falstaff
have committed disparagements upon you, I am of the
Church, and will be glad to do my benevolence, to
make atonements and compromises between you.
Sal.
The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.
Eva.
It is not meet, the Council hear of a riot; there
is no fear of Got in a riot: the Council, look you,
shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a
riot; take your viza-ments in that.
Shal.
Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the
sword should end it.
Eva.
It is petter that friends is the sword, and end
it; and there is also another device in my prain, which,
peradventure, prings good discretions with it: there
is Anne Page, (2) notewhich is daughter to master George
Page, which is pretty virginity.
-- 225 --
Slen.
Mistress Anne Page? she has brown hair, and
speaks small like a woman.
Eva.
It is that ferry person for all the orld, as just
as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of monies,
and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his
death's-bed (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections) give,
when she is able to overtake seventeen years old: it
were a good motion, if we leave our pribbles and
prabbles, and desire a marriage between master Abraham
and mistress Anne Page.
Slen.
Did her grand-sire leave her seven hundred
pounds?
Eva.
Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
Slen.
I know the young gentlewoman; she has good
gifts.
Eva.
Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is good
gifts.
Shal.
Well; let us see honest Mr. Page: is Falstaff
there?
Eva.
Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar, as
I do despise one that is false; or as I despise one that
is not true. The Knight, Sir John, is there; and, I
beseech you, be ruled by your well-wishers. I will
peat the door [Knocks.] for master Page. What, hoa?
Got bless your house here.
Enter Mr. Page.
Page.
Who's there?
Eva.
Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and
Justice Shallow; and here's young master Slender; that,
peradventures, shall tell you another tale, if matters
grow to your likings.
Page.
I am glad to see your worships well. I thank
you for my venison, master Shallow.
Shal.
Master Page, I am glad to see you; much
good do it your good heart: I wish'd your venison
better; it was ill kill'd. How doth good mistress
Page? and I thank you always with my heart, la; with
my heart.
Page.
Sir, I thank you.
-- 226 --
Shal.
Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
Page.
I am glad to see you, good master Slender.
Slen.
How do's your fallow greyhound, Sir? I
heard say, he was out-run on Cotsale.
Page.
It could not be judg'd, Sir.
Slen.
You'll not confess, you'll not confess.
Shal.
That he will not, 'tis your fault, 'tis your fault;
'tis a good dog.
Page.
A cur, Sir.
Shal.
Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog; can there
be more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff
here?
Page.
Sir, he is within; and I would, I could do a
good office between you.
Eva.
It is spoke, as a christians ought to speak.
Shal.
He hath wrong'd me, master Page.
Page.
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
Shal.
If it be confess'd, it is not redress'd; is not
that so, master Page? he hath wrong'd me; indeed,
he hath; at a word, he hath; believe me, Robert Shallow
Esquire saith, he is wrong'd.
Page.
Here comes Sir John.
Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym and Pistol.
Fal.
Now, master Shallow, you'll complain of me to
the King?
Shal.
Knight, you have beaten my men, kill'd my
deer, and broke open my lodge.
Fal.
But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter.
Shal.
Tut, a pin; this shall be answer'd.
Fal.
I will answer it strait: I have done all this.
That is now answer'd.
Shal.
The Council shall know this.
Fal.
'Twere better for you, if 'twere not known in
Council; you'll be laugh'd at.
Eva.
Pauca verba, Sir John, good worts.
Fal.
Good worts? good cabbage. Slender, I broke
your head: what matter have you against me?
Slen.
Marry, Sir, I have matter in my head against
you, and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
Nym, and Pistol.
-- 227 --
Bar.
You Banbury cheese!
Slen.
Ay, it is no matter.
Pist.
How now, Mephostophilus?
Slen.
Ay, it is no matter.
Nym.
Slice, I say; pauca, pauca: slice, that's my
humour.
Slen.
Where's Simple, my man? can you tell, cousin?
Eva.
Peace: I pray you: now let us understand;
there is three umpires in this matter, as I understand;
that is, master Page; fidelicet, master Page; and there
is my self; fidelicet, my self; and the three party is,
lastly and finally, mine Host of the Garter.
Mr. Page.
We three to hear it, and end it between
them.
Eva.
Ferry goot; I will make a prief of it in my
note-book, and we will afterwards ork upon the cause
with as great discreetly as we can.
Fal.
Pistol,—
Pist.
He hears with ears.
Eva.
The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, he
hears with ear? why, it is affectations.
Fal.
Pistol, did you pick master Slender's purse?
Slen.
Ay, by these gloves, did he; (or I would I might
never come in mine own great chamber again else,) of
seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards,
that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece,
of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
Fal.
Is this true, Pistol?
Eva.
No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
Pist.
Ha, thou mountain foreigner!—Sir John, and master mine,
I Combat challenge of this latten bilboe:(3) note
-- 229 --
Word of denial in thy Labra's here;
Word of denial; froth and scum, thou ly'st.
Slen.
By these gloves, then 'twas he.
Nym.
Be advis'd, Sir, and pass good humours: I
will say marry trap with you, if you run the base humour
on me; that is the very note of it.
Slen.
By this hat, then he in the red face had it;
for tho' I cannot remember what I did when you made
me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
Fal.
What say you, Scarlet and John?
Bard.
Why, Sir, for my part, I say, the gentleman
had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
Eva.
It is his five senses: fie, what the Ignorance is!
Bard.
And being fap, Sir, was, as they say, cashier'd;
and so conclusions past the car-eires.
Slen.
Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no
matter; I'll never be drunk whilst I live again, but in
honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: if I be
drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of
God, and not with drunken knaves.
Eva.
So Got udg me, that is virtuous mind.
Fal.
You hear all these matters deny'd, gentlemen;
you hear it.
Enter Mistress Anne Page, with wine.
Page.
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink
within.
[Exit Anne Page.
Slen.
Oh heav'n! this is mistress Anne Page.
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.
Page.
How now, mistress Ford?
Fal.
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
met; by your leave, good mistress.
[Kissing her.
Page.
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome: come,
we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen;
I hope, we shall drink down all unkindness.
[Ex. Fal. Page, &c.
-- 230 --
Manent Shallow, Evans, and Slender.
Slen.
I had rather than forty shillings, I had my
book of songs and sonnets here.
Enter Simple.
How now, Simple, where have you been? I must wait
on my self, must I? you have not the book of riddles
about you, have you?
Simp.
Book of riddles! why, did you not lend it to
Alice Shortcake (4) noteupon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight
afore Martlemas?
Shal.
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you: a
word with you, coz: marry this, coz; there is, as
'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by
Sir Hugh here; do you understand me?
Slen.
Ay, Sir, you shall find me reasonable: if it be
so, I shall do that that is reason.
Shal.
Nay, but understand me.
Slen.
So I do, Sir.
Eva.
Give ear to his motions, Mr. Slender: I will
description the matter to you, if you be capacity
of it.
Slen.
Nay, I will do, as my cousin Shallow says: I
pray you, pardon me; he's a Justice of peace in his
country, simple tho' I stand here.
Eva.
But that is not the question: the question is
concerning your marriage.
Shal.
Ay, there's the point, Sir.
Eva.
Marry, is it; the very point of it, to Mrs.
Anne Page.
-- 231 --
Slen.
Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
reasonable demands.
Eva.
But can you affection the 'oman? let us command
to know that of your mouth, or of your lips;
for divers philosophers hold, that the lips is parcel of
the mind: therefore precisely, can you carry your good
will to the maid?
Shal.
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
Slen.
I hope, Sir; I will do, as it shall become one
that would do reason.
Eva.
Nay, Got's lords and his ladies, you must
speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards
her.
Shal.
That you must: will you, upon good dowry,
marry her?
Slen.
I will do a greater thing than that upon your
request, cousin, in any reason.
Shal.
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz;
what I do, is to pleasure you, coz: can you love the
maid?
Slen.
I will marry her, Sir, at your request: but
if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heav'n
may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we
are marry'd, and have more occasion to know one another:
(5) noteI hope, upon familiarity will grow more
contempt: but if you say, marry her, I will marry her,
that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
Eva.
It is a ferry discretion answer; save, the fall is
in th' ort dissolutely: the ort is, according to our meaning,
resolutely; his meaning is good.
Shal.
Ay, I think, my cousin meant well.
Slen.
Ay, or else I would I might be hang'd, la.
-- 232 --
Enter Mistress Anne Page.
Shal.
Here comes fair mistress Anne: would I were
young for your sake, mistress Anne.
Anne.
The dinner is on the table; my father desires
your worship's company.
Shal.
I will wait on him, fair mistress Anne.
Eva.
Od's plessed will, I will not be absence at the
Grace.
[Ex. Shallow and Evans.
Anne.
Will't please your worship to come in, Sir?
Slen.
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very
well.
Anne.
The dinner attends you, Sir.
Slen.
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,
Sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my
cousin Shallow: [Ex. Simple.] a Justice of peace sometime
may be beholden to his friend for a man. I keep
but three men and a boy yet, 'till my mother be dead;
but what though, yet I live like a poor gentleman
born.
Anne.
I may not go in without your worship; they
will not sit, 'till you come.
Slen.
I'faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much
as though I did.
Anne.
I pray you, Sir, walk in.
Slen.
I had rather walk here, I thank you: I bruis'd
my shin th'other day with playing at sword and dagger
with a master of fence, three veneys for a dish of
stew'd prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the
smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so?
be there Bears i'th' town?
Anne.
I think, there are, Sir; I heard them talk'd of.
Slen.
I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel
at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you
see the bear loose, are you not?
Anne.
Ay, indeed, Sir.
Slen.
That's meat and drink to me now; I have
seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him
by the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have
so cry'd and shriek'd at it, that it past: but women,
-- 233 --
indeed, cannot abide 'em, they are very ill-favour'd
rough things.
Enter Mr. Page.
Page.
Come, gentle Mr. Slender, come; we stay for
you.
Slen.
I'll eat nothing, I thank you, Sir.
Page.
By cock and pye, you shall not chuse, Sir;
come; come.
Slen.
Nay, pray you, lead the way.
Page.
Come on, Sir.
Slen.
Mistress Anne, your self shall go first.
Anne.
Not I, Sir; pray you, keep on.
Slen.
Truly, I will not go first, truly-la: I will not
do you that wrong.
Anne.
I pray you, Sir.
Slen.
I'll rather be unmannerly, than troublesome;
you do your self wrong, indeed-la.
[Exeunt.
Re-enter Evans and Simple.
Eva.
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house
which is the way; and there dwells one mistress Quickly,
which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry
nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his
wringer.
Simp.
Well, Sir.
Eva.
Nay, it is petter yet; give her this letter; for
it is a o'man that altogethers acquaintance with mistress
Anne Page; and the letter is to desire and require
her to solicit your master's desires to mistress
Anne Page: I pray you, be gone; I will make an end
of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come.
[Exeunt severally.
Scene 2
SCENE changes to the Garter-Inn.
Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol and Robin.
Fal.
Mine host of the garter,—
Host.
What says my bully rock? speak
schollarly, and wisely.
-- 234 --
Fal.
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of
my followers.
Host.
Discard, bully Hercules, cashier; let them wag;
trot, trot.
Fal.
I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host.
Thou'rt an Emperor, Cæsar, Keisar and Pheazar.
I will entertain Bardolph, he shall draw, he shall
tap; said I well, bully Hector?
Fal.
Do so, good mine host.
Host.
I have spoke, let him follow; let me see
thee froth, and live: I am at a word; follow.
[Exit Host.
Fal.
Bardolph, follow him; a tapster is a good trade;
an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a wither'd servingman,
a fresh tapster; go, adieu.
Bard.
It is a life that I have desir'd: I will thrive.
[Exit Bard.
Pist.
O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot
wield?
Nym.
He was gotten in drink, is not the humour
conceited? His mind is not heroick, and there's the
humour of it.
Fal.
I am glad, I am so quit of this tinderbox; his
thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful
finger, he kept not time.
Nym.
The good humour is to steal at a minute's
rest.
Pist.
Convey, the Wise it call: steal? foh; a fico for
the phrase!
Fal.
Well, Sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Pist.
Why then, let kibes ensue.
Fal.
There is no remedy: I must conycatch, I
must shift.
Pist.
Young ravens must have food.
Fal.
Which of you know Ford of this town?
Pist.
I ken the wight, he is of substance good.
Fal.
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
Pist.
Two yards and more.
-- 235 --
Fal.
No quips now, Pistol: indeed, I am in the
waste two yards about; but I am now about no waste,
I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love
to Ford's wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,
she carves, she gives the leer of invitation;
I can construe the action of her familiar stile, and the
hardest voice of her behaviour, to be english'd right,
is, I am Sir John Falstaff's.
Pist.
He hath study'd her well, and translated her
well; out of honesty into English.
Nym.
The anchor is deep; will that humour pass?
Fal.
Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of
her husband's purse: she hath a legion of angels.
Pist.
As many devils entertain; and to her, boy,
say I.
Nym.
The humour rises; it is good; humour me
the angels.
Fal.
I have writ me here a letter to her; and here
another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good
eyes too, examin'd my parts with most judicious Iliads;
sometimes, the beam of her view guilded my foot;
sometimes, my portly belly.
Pist.
Then did the sun on dung-hill shine.
[Aside.
Nym.
I thank thee for that humour.
Fal.
O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye
did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here's
another letter to her; she bears the purse too; (6) noteshe
is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be
Cheater to them both, and they shall be Exchequers to
-- 236 --
me; they shall be my East and West-Indies, and I will
trade to them both. Go, bear thou this letter to mistress
Page; and thou this to mistress Ford: we will
thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Pist.
Shall I Sir Pandaras of Troy become;
And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
Nym.
I will run no base humour; here, take the humour-letter,
I will keep the haviour of reputation.
Fal.
Hold, Sirrah, bear you these letters tightly,
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
[To Robin.
Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hail-stones, go;
Trudge, plod away o'th' hoof, seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,(7) note
French thrift, you rogues; my self, and skirted Page.
[Ex. Falstaff and Boy.
Pist.
Let vultures gripe thy guts; for gourd, and Fullam holds:
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
Nym.
I have operations in my head, which be humours
of revenge.
Pist.
Wilt thou revenge?
Nym.
By welkin, and her star.
Pist.
With wit, or steel?
Nym.
With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Ford.
Pist.
And I to Page shall eke unfold,
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
-- 237 --
Nym.
My humour shall not cool; I will incense
Ford to deal with poison; (8) note
I will possess him with
yellowness; for the Revolt of Mien is dangerous: that
is my true humour.
Pist.
Thou art the Mars of male-contents: I second
thee; troop on.
[Exeunt.
Scene 3
SCENE changes to Dr. Caius's House.
Enter mistress Quickly, Simple, and John Rugby.
Quic.
What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to
the casement, and see if you can see my
master, master Doctor Caius, coming; if he do, i'faith,
and find any body in the house, here will be old abusing
of God's patience, and the King's English.
Rug.
I'll go watch.
[Exit Rugby.
Quic.
Go, and we'll have a posset for't soon at
night, in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. An
honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come
in house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale, nor
-- 238 --
no breed-bate; his worst fault is, that he is given to
pray'r; he is something peevish that way; but no body
but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple, you
say, your name is.
Sim.
Ay, for fault of a better.
Quic.
And master Slender's your master?
Sim.
Ay, forsooth.
Quic.
Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
glover's paring-knife?
Sim.
No, forsooth; he hath but a little wee-face,
with a little yellow beard, (9) notea Cain-colour'd beard.
Quic.
A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
Sim.
Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his
hands, as any is between this and his head: he hath
fought with a warrener.
Quic.
How say you? oh, I should remember him;
does he not hold up his head, as it were? and strut in
his gate?
Sim.
Yes, indeed, does he.
Quic.
Well, heav'n send Anne Page no worse fortune!
Tell master parson Evans, I will do what I can for
your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish—
Enter Rugby.
Rug.
Out, alas! here comes my master.
Quic.
We shall all be shent; run in here, good
young man; go into this closet; [shuts Simple in the
closet.] He will not stay long. What, John Rugby!
John! what, John, I say; go, John, go enquire for
my master; I doubt, he be not well, that he comes not
home: and down, down, a-down-a, &c.
[Sings.
Enter Doctor Caius.
Caius.
Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys; pray
you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier verd; a
-- 239 --
box, a green-a box; do intend vat I speak? a green-a
box.
Quic.
Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you.
I am glad, he went not in himself; if he had found the
man, he would have been horn-mad.
[Aside.
Caius.
Fe, fe, fe, fe, ma foi, il fait fort chaud; je me'n
vaie à la Cour—la grande affaire.
Quic.
Is it this, Sir?
Caius.
Ouy, mettez le au mon pocket; Depêchez, quickly;
ver is dat knave Rugby?
Quic.
What, John Rugby! John!
Rug.
Here, Sir.
Caius.
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby;
come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to
the Court.
Rug.
'Tis ready, Sir, here in the porch.
Caius.
By my trot, I tarry too long: od's me: Que
ay je oublié? dere is some simples in my closet, dat I
will not for the varld I shall leave behind.
Quic.
Ay-me, he'll find the young man there, and
be mad.
Caius.
O Diable! Diable! vat is in my closet? villaine,
Larron! Rugby, my rapier.
[Pulls Simple out of the closet.
Quic.
Good master, be content.
Caius.
Wherefore shall I be content-a?
Quic.
The young man is an honest man.
Caius.
What shall de honest man do in my closet?
dere is no honest man, dat shall come in my closet.
Quic.
I beseech you, be not so flegmatick; hear the
truth of it. He came of an errand to me from parson
Hugh.
Caius.
Vell.
Sim.
Ay, forsooth, to desire her to—
Quic.
Peace, I pray you.
Caius.
Peace-a your tongue, speak-a your tale.
Sim.
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid,
to speak a good word to mistress Anne Page for my
master in the way of marriage.
Quic.
This is all, indeed-la; but I'll ne'er put my
finger in the fire, and need not.
-- 240 --
Caius.
Sir Hugh send-a-you? Rugby, (10) notebaillez me
some paper; tarry you a little-a-while.
Quic.
I am glad, he is so quiet; if he had been
thoroughly moved, you should have heard him so loud,
and so melancholy: but notwithstanding, man, I'll do
for your master what good I can; and the very yea
and the no is, the French Doctor my master, (I may
call him my master, look you, for I keep his house,
and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and
drink, make the beds, and do all my self.)
Simp.
'Tis a great charge to come under one body's
hand.
Quic.
Are you a-vis'd o'that? you shall find it a
great charge; and to be up early and down late. But
notwithstanding, to tell you in your ear, I would have
no words of it, my master himself is in love with mistress
Anne Page; but, notwithstanding that, I know
Anne's mind, that's neither here nor there.
Caius.
You jack'nape; give a this letter to Sir Hugh;
by gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de
parke, and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to
meddle or make—you may be gone; it is not
good you tarry here; by gar, I will cut all his two
stones; by gar he shall not have a stone to trow at his
dog.
[Exit Simple.
Quic.
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
Caius.
It is no matter'a ver dat: do you not tell-a-me,
dat I shall have Anne Page for my self? by gar, I
vill kill de jack priest; and I have appointed mine host
of de Jarterre to measure our weapon; by gar, I will
my self have Anne Page.
-- 241 --
Quic.
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be
well: we must give folks leave to prate; what, the
good-jer!
Caius.
Rugby, come to the Court with me;—by
gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head
out of my door;—follow my heels, Rugby.
[Ex. Caius and Rugby.
Quic.
You shall have An fools-head of your own.
No, I know Anne's mind for that; never a Woman
in Windsor knows more of Anne's mind than I do, nor
can do more than I do with her, I thank heav'n.
Fent. [within.]
Who's within there, hoa?
Quic.
Who's there, I trow? come near the house, I
pray you.
Enter Mr. Fenton.
Fent.
How now, good woman, how dost thou?
Quic.
The better, that it pleases your good worship
to ask.
Fent.
What news? how does pretty mistress Anne?
Quic.
In truth, Sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and
gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that
by the way, I praise heav'n for it.
Fent.
Shall I do any good, think'st thou? shall I
not lose my suit?
Quic.
Troth, Sir, all is in his hands above; but notwithstanding,
master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book,
she loves you: have not your worship a wart above
your eye?
Fent.
Yes, marry, have I; and what of that?
Quic.
Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is
such another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as
ever broke bread; we had an hour's talk of that wart:
I shall never laugh but in that maid's company! but,
indeed, she is given too much to allicholly and musing;
but for you—Well—go to—
Fent.
Well, I shall see her to day; hold, there's
mony for thee: let me have thy voice in my behalf;
if thou seest her before me, commend me—
-- 242 --
Quic.
Will I? ay, faith, that we will: and I will tell
your worship more of the wart, the next time we have
confidence, and of other wooers.
Fen.
Well, farewel, I am in great haste now.
[Exit.
Quic.
Farewel to your worship. Truly, an honest
gentleman, but Anne loves him not; I know Anne's
mind as well as another does. Out upon't, what have
I forgot?
[Exit.
ACT II.
Scene 1
SCENE, before Page's house.
Enter Mrs. Page, with a letter.
Mrs. Page.
What, have I 'scap'd love-letters in the
holy-day-time of my beauty, and am I now
a subject for them? let me see:
Ask me no reason, why I love you; for tho' love use reason
for his precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor:
you are not young, no more am I; go to then, there's sympathy:
you are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there's
more sympathy; you love sack, and so do I; would you desire
better sympathy? let is suffice thee, mistress Page, at
the least if the love of a soldier can suffice, that I love
thee. I will not say, pity me, 'tis not a soldier-like phrase;
but I say, love me:
By me, thine own true Knight, by day or night,
Or any kind of light, with all his might,
For thee to fight.
John Falstaff.
What a Herod of Jury is this? O wicked, wicked
world! one that is well nigh worn to pieces with age,
to show himself a young gallant! what unweigh'd behaviour
-- 243 --
hath this Flemish drunkard pickt, i'th' devil's
name, out of my conversation, that he dares in this
manner assay me? why, he hath not been thrice in my
company: what should I say to him? I was then frugal
of my mirth, heav'n forgive me: why, I'll exhibit
(11) notea Bill in the Parliament for the putting down of
fat men: how shall I be reveng'd on him? for reveng'd
I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Enter Mrs. Ford.
Mrs. Ford.
Mistress Page, trust me, I was going to
your house.
Mrs. Page.
And trust me, I was coming to you;
you look very ill.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to
shew to the contrary.
Mrs. Page.
'Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Mrs. Ford.
Well, I do then; yet I say, I could shew
you to the contrary: O mistress Page, give me some
counsel.
Mrs. Page.
What's the matter, woman?
Mrs. Ford.
O woman! if it were not for one trifling
respect, I could come to such honour.
Mrs. Page.
Hang the trifle, woman, take the honour;
what is it? dispense with trifles; what is it?
Mrs. Ford.
If I would but go to hell for an eternal
moment, or so, I could be knighted.
Mrs. Page.
What, thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! these
Knights will hack, and so thou shouldst not alter the
article of thy gentry.
-- 244 --
Mrs. Ford.
We burn day-light; here, read, read;
perceive, how I might be knighted: I shall think the
worse of fat men, as long as I have an eye to make
difference of men's liking; and yet he would not
swear; prais'd women's modesty; and gave such orderly
and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness,
that I would have sworn his disposition would have
gone to the truth of his words; but they do no more
adhere, and keep place together, than the hundredth
Psalm to the tune of Green Sleeves. What tempest, I
trow, threw this whale, with so many tun of oyl in
his belly, a'shore at Windsor? how shall I be reveng'd
on him? I think, the best way were to entertain him
with hope, 'till the wicked fire of lust have melted
him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
Mrs. Page.
Letter for letter, but that the name of
Page and Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this
mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy
letter; but let thine inherit first, for, I protest, mine
never shall. I warrant, he hath a thousand of these
letters, writ with blank-space for different names; nay,
more; and these are of the second edition: he will
print them out of doubt, for he cares not what he
puts into the press, when he would put us two. I had
rather be a giantess, and lye under mount Pelion. Well,
I will find you twenty lascivious turtles, ere one chaste
man.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, this is the very same, the very hand,
the very words; what doth he think of us?
Mrs. Page.
Nay, I know not; it makes me almost
ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain
my self like one that I am not acquainted withal;
for, sure, unless he knew some Strain in me, that I
know not my self, he would never have boarded me in
this fury.
Mrs. Ford.
Boarding, call it you? I'll be sure to keep
him above deck.
Mrs. Page.
So will I; if he come under my hatches,
I'll never to sea again. Let's be reveng'd on him;
let's appoint him a meeting, give him a show of comfort
-- 245 --
in his suit, and lead him on with a fine baited
delay, 'till he hath pawn'd his horses to mine Host of
the Garter.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I will consent to act any villany
against him, that may not sully the chariness of our
honesty: oh, that my husband saw this letter! it would
give eternal food to his jealousie.
Mrs. Page.
Why, look, where he comes, and my
good man too; he's as far from jealousie, as I am from
giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable
distance.
Mrs. Ford.
You are the happier woman.
Mrs. Page.
Let's consult together against this greasie
Knight. Come hither.
[They retire.
Enter Ford with Pistol, Page with Nym.
Ford.
Well, I hope, it be not so.
Pist.
Hope is a curtal-dog in some affairs.
Sir John affects thy wife.
Ford.
Why, Sir, my wife is not young.
Pist.
He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
He loves thy gally-mawfry, Ford, perpend.
Ford.
Love my wife?
Pist.
With liver burning hot: prevent, or go thou,
like Sir Acteon, he, with Ring-wood at thy heels—O,
odious is the name.
Ford.
What name, Sir?
Pist.
The horn, I say: farewel.
Take heed, have open eye; for thieves do foot by night.
Take heed ere summer comes, or cuckoo-birds affright.
Away, Sir corporal Nym.—
Believe it, Page, he speaks sense.
[Exit Pistol.
Ford.
I will be patient; I will find out this.
Nym.
And this is true: I like not the humour of
lying; he hath wrong'd me in some humours; I
should have born the humour'd letter to her; but I
have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He
loves your wife; there's the short and the long. My
-- 246 --
name is Corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch; 'tis true:
my name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your Wife. Adieu;
I love not the humour of bread and cheese: adieu.
[Exit Nym.
Page.
The humour of it, quoth a'! here's a fellow,
frights humour out of its wits.
Ford.
I will seek out Falstaff.
Page.
I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
Ford.
If I do find it: well.
Page.
(12) noteI will not believe such a Cataian, tho' the
priest o'th' town commended him for a true man.
Ford.
'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
Mrs. Page and Mrs. Ford come forwards.
Page.
How now, Meg?
Mrs. Page.
Whither go you, George? hark you.
Mrs. Ford.
How now, sweet Frank, why art thou
melancholy?
Ford.
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you
home, go.
Mrs. Ford.
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy
head. Now, will you go, mistress Page?
-- 247 --
Mrs. Page.
Have with you. You'll come to dinner,
George? Look, who comes yonder; she shall be our
messenger to this paultry Knight.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Mrs. Ford.
Trust me, I thought on her, she'll fit it.
Mrs. Page.
You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Quic.
Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good
mistress Anne?
Mrs. Page.
Go in with us, and see; we have an hour's
talk with you.
[Ex. Mrs. Page, Mrs. Ford, and Mrs. Quic.
Page.
How now, master Ford?
Ford.
You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
Page.
Yes; and you heard what the other told me?
Ford.
Do you think there is truth in them?
Page.
Hang 'em, slaves; I do not think, the Knight
would offer it; but these, that accuse him in his intent
towards our wives, are a yoak of his discarded men;
very rogues, now they be out of service.
Ford.
Were they his men?
Page.
Marry, were they.
Ford.
I like it never the better for that. Does he
lye at the Garter?
Page.
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend his
voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to
him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words,
let it lye on my head.
Ford.
I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be
loth to turn them together; a man may be too confident;
I would have nothing lye on my head; I cannot
be thus satisfy'd.
Page.
Look, where my ranting Host of the Garter
comes; there is either liquor in his pate, or mony in
his purse, when he looks so merrily. How now, mine
Host?
-- 248 --
Enter Host and Shallow
Host.
How now, bully Rock? thou'rt a gentleman,
cavalerio-justice, I say.
Shal.
I follow, mine Host, I follow. Good even,
and twenty, good master Page. Master Page, will you
go with us? we have sport in hand.
Host.
Tell him, cavaliero-justice; tell him, bully
Rock.
Shal.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir
Hugh the Welch priest, and Caius the French doctor.
Ford.
Good mine Host o'th' Garter, a word with
you.
Host.
What say'st thou, bully Rock?
Shal.
Will you go with us to behold it? my merry
Host hath had the measuring of their weapons, and, I
think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe
me, I hear, the parson is no jester. Hark, I will
tell you what our sport shall be.
Host.
Hast thou no suit against my Knight, my guest-cavalier?
Ford.
None, I protest; but I'll give you a pottle of
burnt sack to give me recourse to him, (13) note
and tell
him, my name is Brook; only for a jest.
Host.
My hand, bully: thou shalt have egress and
regress; said I well? and thy name shall be Brook. It
is a merry Knight. (14) note
Will you go an-heirs?
-- 249 --
Shal.
Have with you, mine host.
Page.
I have heard, the Frenchman hath good skill
in his rapier.
Shal.
Tut, Sir, I could have told you more; in these
times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccado's,
and I know not what: 'tis the heart, master Page;
'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my
long sword, I would have made you four tall fellows
skip like rats.
Host.
Here, boys, here, here: shall we wag?
Pag.
Have with you; I had rather hear them scold
than fight.
[Exeunt Host, Shallow and Page.
Ford.
Tho' Page be a secure fool, (15) noteand stand so
firmly on his wife's frailty7Q0001, yet I cannot put off my opinion
so easily. She was in his company at Page's house;
and what they made there, I know not. Well, I
will look further into't; and I have a disguise to
sound Falstaff: if I find her honest, I lose not my labour;
if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestow'd.
[Exit.
Scene 2
SCENE changes to the Garter-Inn.
Enter Falstaff and Pistol.
Fal.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
Why then the world's mine oyster, which
I with sword will open.—I will retort the Sum in
Equipage.
Fal.
Not a penny. I have been content, Sir, you
-- 250 --
should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon
my good friends for three reprieves for you, and
your couch-fellow, Nim; or else you had look'd
through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am
damn'd in hell for swearing to gentlemen, my friends,
you were good soldiers, and tall fellows. And when
mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon
mine honour, thou hadst it not.
Pist.
Didst thou not share? hadst thou not fifteen
pence?
Fal.
Reason, you rogue, reason: think'st thou, I'll
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me, I am no gibbet for you: (16) notego, a short
knife, and a throng, to your manor of Pickt-hatch;
go, you'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
stand upon your honour! why, thou unconfinable baseness,
it is as much as I can do to keep the term of my
honour precise. I, I, I my self sometimes, leaving the
fear of heaven on the left hand, and hiding mine honour
in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge and
to lurch; and yet you rogue will ensconse your rags,
your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lettice phrases,
and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
honour! you will not do it, you!
Pist.
I do relent; what wouldst thou more of Man?
Enter Robin.
Rob.
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Fal.
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quick.
Give your worship good morrow.
Fal.
Good morrow, good wife.
Quick.
Not so, and't please your worship.
Fal.
Good maid, then.
-- 251 --
Quic.
I'll be sworn, as my mother was, the first
hour I was born.
Fal.
I do believe the swearer: what with me?
Quic.
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
Fal.
Two thousand, fair woman, and I'll vouchsafe
thee the hearing.
Quic.
There is one mistress Ford, Sir: I pray, come
a little nearer this ways: I my self dwell with Mr.
Doctor Caius.
Fal.
Well, on: mistress Ford, you say,—
Quic.
Your worship says very true: I pray your
worship, come a little nearer this ways.
Fal.
I warrant thee, no body hears: mine own people,
mine own people.
Quic.
Are they so? heav'n bless them, and make
them his servants.
Fal.
Well: mistress Ford, what of her?
Quic.
Why, Sir, she's a good Creature. Lord, lord,
your worship's a wanton; well, heav'n forgive you,
and all of us, I pray—
Fal.
Mistress Ford, come, Mistress Ford—
Quic.
Marry, this is the short and the long of it;
you have brought her into such a canaries, as 'tis wonderful:
the best Courtier of them all, when the Court
lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such
a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and
gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach
after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling
so sweetly; all musk; and so rustling, I warrant you,
in silk and gold, and in such alligant terms, and in
such wine and sugar of the best, and the fairest, that
would have won any woman's heart; and, I warrant
you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. I had
my self twenty angels given me this morning; but I
defie all angels, in any such sort as they say, but in
the way of honesty; and I warrant you, they could
never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest
of them all: and yet there has been Earls, nay,
which is more, Pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is
one with her.
-- 252 --
Fal.
But what says she to me? be brief, my good
She-Mercury.
Quic.
Marry, she hath receiv'd your letter, for the
which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives
you to notifie, that her husband will be absence from
his house between ten and eleven.
Fal.
Ten and eleven.
Quic.
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see
the picture, she says, that you wot of: master Ford,
her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman
leads an ill life with him, he's a very jealousie-man;
she leads a very frampold life with him, good
heart.
Fal.
Ten and eleven: woman, commend me to her,
I will not fail her.
Quic.
Why, you say well: But I have another messenger
to your worship; mistress Page has her hearty
commendations to you too; and let me tell you in your
ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one (I
tell you) that will not miss you morning nor evening
prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other;
and she bad me tell your worship, that her husband is
seldom from home, but, she hopes, there will come a
time. I never knew a woman so doat upon a man;
surely, I think you have Charms, la; yes, in truth.
Fal.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of
my good parts aside, I have no other Charms.
Quic.
Blessing on your heart for't.
Fal.
But I pray thee, tell me this; has Ford's wife,
and Page's wife, acquainted each other how they love
me?
Quic.
That were a jest, indeed; they have not so
little grace, I hope; that were a trick, indeed! but
mistress Page would desire you to send her your little
Page, of all loves: her husband has a marvellous infection
to the little Page; and, truly, master Page is an
honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better
life, than she does; do what she will, say what she
will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise
when she list, all is as she will; and, truly, she deserves
-- 253 --
it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, truly, she
is one. You must send her your Page; no remedy.
Fal.
Why, I will.
Quic.
Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may
come and go between you both, and in any case have
a nay-word, that you may know one another's mind:
and the boy never need to understand any thing; for
'tis not good, that children should know any wickedness:
old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say,
and know the world.
Fal.
Fare thee well; commend me to them both:
there's my purse, I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along
with this woman. This news distracts me.
[Ex. Quick. and Robin.
Pist.
This punk is one of Cupid's carriers:
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights;
Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
[Exit Pistol.
Fal.
Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll
make more of thy old body, than I have done; will they
yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expence of
so much mony, be now a gainer? good body, I thank
thee; let them say, 'tis grossly done; so it be fairly
done, no matter.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir John, there's one master Brook below would
fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and
hath sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.
Fal.
Brook, is his Name?
Bard.
Ay, Sir.
Fal.
Call him in; [Ex. Bardolph.] such Brooks are
welcome to me, that o'erflow with such liquor. Ah!
ah! mistress Ford and mistress Page, have I encompass'd
you? go to, via!
Re-enter Bardolph, with Ford disguis'd.
Ford.
Bless you, Sir.
Fal.
And you, Sir; would you speak with me?
-- 254 --
Ford.
I make bold to press with so little preparation
upon you.
Fal.
You're welcome; what's your will? give us
leave, drawer.
[Ex. Bardolph.
Ford.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much;
my name is Brook.
Fal.
Good master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
Ford.
Good Sir John, I sue for yours; not to charge
you; for I must let you understand, I think my self in
better plight for a lender than you are, the which hath
something embolden'd me to this unseason'd intrusion;
for they say, if mony go before, all ways do lye open.
Fal.
Money is a good soldier, Sir, and will on.
Ford.
Troth, and I have a bag of mony, here, troubles
me; if you will help me to bear it, Sir John, take
all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
Fal.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
porter.
Ford.
I will tell you, Sir, if you will give me the
hearing.
Fal.
Speak, good master Brook, I shall be glad to be
your servant.
Ford.
Sir, I hear, you are a scholar; (I will be brief
with you;) and you have been a man long known to
me, tho' I had never so good means, as desire, to make
my self acquainted with you: I shall discover a thing
to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own
Imperfections; but good Sir John, as you have one eye
upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another
into the register of your own, that I may pass
with a reproof the easier; sith you your self know,
how easie it is to be such an offender.
Fal.
Very well: Sir, proceed.
Ford.
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's
name is Ford.
Fal.
Well, Sir.
Ford.
I have long lov'd her; and, I protest to you,
bestow'd much on her; follow'd her with a doating
observance; ingross'd opportunities to meet her; fee'd
-- 255 --
every slight occasion, that could but niggardly give me
sight of her; not only bought many Presents to give
her, but have given largely to many, to know what
she would have given: briefly, I have pursued her, as
love hath pursu'd me, which hath been on the wing
of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either
in my mind, or in my means; meed, I am sure, I have
received none; unless experience be a jewel; That I
have purchas'd at an infinite rate, and That hath taught
me to say this;
“Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues;
“Pursuing That that flies, and flying what pursues.
Fal.
Have you receiv'd no promise of satisfaction at
her hands?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Have you importun'd her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Of what quality was your love then?
Ford.
Like a fair house, built on another man's
ground; so that I have lost my edifice, by mistaking
the place where I erected it.
Fal.
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
Ford.
When I have told you that, I have told you
all. Some say, that tho' she appear honest to me, yet
in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far, that there
is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John,
here is the heart of my purpose: You are a gentleman
of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance,
authentick in your place and person, generally
allow'd for your many war-like, court-like, and
learned preparations.
Fal.
O Sir!
Ford.
Believe it, for you know it; there is mony,
spend it, spend it; spend more, spend all I have, only
give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as
to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's
wife; use your art of wooing, win her to consent to
you; if any man may, you may as soon as any.
Fal.
Would it apply well to the vehemence of your
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? methinks,
you prescribe to your self very preposterously.
-- 256 --
Ford.
O, understand my drift; she dwells so securely
on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of
my soul dares not present it self; she is too bright to
be look'd against. Now, could I come to her with any
detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument
to commend themselves; I could drive her then
from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow,
and a thousand other her defences, which
now are too too strongly embattel'd against me. What
say you to't, Sir John?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
mony; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.
Ford.
O good Sir!
Fal.
Master Brook, I say, you shall.
Ford.
Want no money, Sir John, you shall want
none.
Fal.
Want no mistress Ford, master Brook, you shall
want none; I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
own appointment. Even as you came in to me, her
assistant, or go-between, parted from me; I say, I shall
be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time
the jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth;
come you to me at night, you shall know how I speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know
Ford, Sir?
Fal.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave, I know him
not: yet I wrong him, to call him poor; they say, the
jealous wittolly knave hath masses of mony, for the
which his wife seems to me well-favour'd. I will use
her as the key of the cuckoldly-rogue's coffer; and
there's my harvest-home.
Ford.
I would you knew Ford, Sir, that you might
avoid him, if you saw him.
Fal.
Hang him, mechanical-salt-butter rogue; I will
stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o'er the Cuckold's
horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know, I will predominate
over the peasant; and thou shalt lye with his
wife: Come to me soon at night; Ford's a knave, and
-- 257 --
I will aggravate his stile: thou, master Brook, shalt
know him for knave and cuckold: come to me soon at
night.
[Exit.
Ford.
What a damn'd Epicurean rascal is this! my
heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says,
this is improvident jealousie? my wife hath sent to
him, the hour is fixt, the match is made; would any
man have thought this? see the hell of having a false
woman! my bed shall be abus'd, my coffers ransack'd,
my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive
this villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of
abominable terms, and by him that does me the wrong.
Terms, names; Amaimon sounds well, Lucifer, well; Barbason,
well; yet they are devils additions, the names of
fiends: but cuckold, wittol, cuckold! the devil himself
hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass,
he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous: I will
rather trust a Fleming with my butter, parson Hugh the
Welchman with my cheese, an Irish-man with my Aquavitæ
bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding,
than my wife with her self: then she plots, then she
ruminates, then she devises: and what they think in
their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts
but they will effect. Heav'n be prais'd for my jealousie!
Eleven o'clock the hour; I will prevent this, detect
my wife, be reveng'd on Falstaff, and laugh at Page:
I will about it: better three hours too soon, than a
minute too late. Fie, fie, fie; cuckold, cuckold,
cuckold!
[Exit.
Scene 3
SCENE changes to Windsor-Park.
Enter Caius and Rugby.
Caius.
Jack Rugby!
Rug.
Sir.
Caius.
Vat is de clock, Jack?
Rug.
'Tis past the hour, Sir, that Sir Hugh promis'd
to meet.
Caius.
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no
come; he has pray his pible well, dat he is no come:
-- 258 --
by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
Rug.
He is wise, Sir; he knew, your worship would
kill him, if he came.
Caius.
By gar, de herring is not so dead as me vill
make him. Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you
how I vill kill him.
Rug.
Alas, Sir, I cannot fence.
Caius.
Villany, take your rapier.
Rug.
Forbear; here's company.
Enter Host, Shallow, Slender and Page.
Host.
'Bless thee, bully-doctor.
Shal.
'Save you, Mr. Doctor Caius.
Page.
Now, good Mr. Doctor.
Slen.
Give you good morrow, Sir.
Caius.
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
Host.
To see thee fight, to see thee foigne, to see
thee traverse, to see thee here, to see thee there, to
see thee pass thy puncto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy
distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is
he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully? what says my Æsculapius?
my Galen? my heart of elder? ha? is he dead,
bully-stale? is he dead?
Caius.
By gar, he is de coward Jack-priest of de
vorld; he is not show his face.
Host.
Thou art a Castalion-king-Urinal: Hector of
Greece, my boy.
Caius.
I pray you bear witness, that me have stay
six or seven, two tree hours for him, and he is no
come.
Shal.
He is the wiser man, Mr. Doctor; he is a
curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies: if you
should fight, you go against the hair of your professions:
Is it not true, master Page?
Page.
Master Shallow, you have your self been a
great fighter, tho' now a man of peace.
Shall.
Body-kins, Mr. Page, tho' I now be old, and
of peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to
make one; tho' we are justices, and doctors, and
-- 259 --
church-men, Mr. Page, we have some salt of our youth
in us; we are the sons of women, Mr. Page.
Page.
'Tis true, Mr. Shallow.
Shal.
It will be found so, Mr. Page. Mr. Doctor
Caius, I am come to fetch you home; I am sworn of
the peace; you have shew'd your self a wise physician,
and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient
church-man: you must go with me, Mr. Doctor.
Host.
Pardon, guest-justice; a word, monsieur mock-water.
Caius.
Mock-vater? vat is dat?
Host.
Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour,
bully.
Caius.
By gar, then I have as much mock-vater as
de Englishman, scurvy-jack-dog-priest; by gar, me vill
cut his ears.
Host.
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
Caius.
Clapper-de-claw? vat is dat?
Host.
That is, he will make thee amends.
Caius.
By gar, me do look, he shall clapper-de-claw
me; for by gar, me vill have it.
Host.
And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.
Caius.
Me tank you for dat.
Host.
And moreover, bully: but first, Mr. Guest,
and Mr. Page, and eek Cavaliero Slender, go you
through the town to Frogmore.
Page.
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host.
He is there; see, what humour he is in; and
I will bring the Doctor about the fields: will it do
well?
Shal.
We will do it.
All.
Adieu, good Mr. Doctor.
[Ex. Page, Shal. and Slen.
Caius.
By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak
for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
Host.
Let him die; but, first, sheath thy impatience;
throw cold water on thy choler; go about the fields
with me through Frogmore; I will bring thee where
mistress Anne Page is, at a farm-house a feasting;
-- 260 --
and thou shalt woo her.(17) note Try'd Game, said I
well?
Caius.
By gar, me tank you vor dat: by gar, I love
you; and I shall procure 'a you de good guest; de
Earl, de Knight, de Lords, de Gentlemen, my patients.
Host.
For the which I will be thy adversary toward
Anne Page: said I well?
Caius.
By gar, 'tis good; vell said.
Host.
Let us wag then.
Caius.
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
[Exeunt.
ACT III.
Scene 1
SCENE, Frogmore near Windsor.
Enter Evans, and Simple.
Evans.
I pray you now, good master Slender's servingman,
and friend Simple by your name, which way have
you look'd for master Caius, that calls himself
Doctor of Physick?
Simp.
Marry, Sir, the Pitty-wary, the Park-ward,
every way, old Windsor way, and every way but the
town way.
Eva.
I most fehemently desire you, you will also
look that way.
Simp.
I will, Sir.
-- 261 --
Eva.
'Pless my soul, how full of chollars I am, and
trempling of mind! I shall be glad, if he have deceiv'd
me; how melanchollies I am! I will knog his urinals
about his knave's costard, when I have good opportunities
for the orke: 'Pless my soul!
[Sings, being afraid.
By shallow rivers, to whose falls(18) note
Melodious birds sing madrigalls;
There will we make our peds of roses;
And a thousand fragrant posies.
By shallow—'Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions
to cry. Melodious birds sing madrigalls—When as
I sat in Pabilon;—and a thousand vagrant posies.—
By shallow, &c.
Simp.
Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.
Eva.
He's welcome. By shallow rivers, to whose
falls—
Heav'n prosper the right: what weapons is he?
Simp.
No weapons, Sir; there comes my master,
Mr. Shallow, and another gentleman from Frogmore,
over the stile, this way.
Eva.
Pray you, give me my gown, or else keep it in
your arms.
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Shal.
How now, master Parson? good morrow, good
Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good
student from his book, and it is wonderful.
Slen.
Ah, sweet Anne Page!
Page.
Save you, good Sir Hugh.
Eva.
'Pless you from his mercy-sake, all of you.
Shal.
What? the sword and the word? do you study
them both, Mr. Parson?
-- 262 --
Page.
And youthful still, in your doublet and hose,
this raw-rheumatick day?
Eva.
There is reasons and causes for it.
Page.
We are come to you, to do a good office,
Mr. Parson.
Eva.
Ferry well: what is it?
Page.
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who,
belike, having receiv'd wrong by some person, is at
most odds with his own gravity and patience, that
ever you saw.
Shal.
I have liv'd fourscore years, and upward; I
never heard a man of his place, gravity and learning,
so wide of his own respect.
Eva.
What is he?
Page.
I think, you know him; Mr. Doctor Caius,
the renowned French physician.
Eva.
Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had
as lief you should tell me of a mess of porridge.
Page.
Why?
Eva.
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and
Galen; and he is a knave, besides; a cowardly knave as
you would desire to be acquainted withal.
Page.
I warrant you, he's the man should fight with
him.
Slen.
O, sweet Anne Page!
Enter Host, Caius, and Rugby.
Shal.
It appears so, by his weapons: keep them asunder;
here comes Doctor Caius.
Page.
Nay, good Mr. Parson, keep in your weapon.
Shal.
So do you, good Mr. Doctor.
Host.
Disarm them, and let them question; let them
keep their limbs whole, and hack our English.
Caius.
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your
ear: wherefore vill you not meet-a me?
Eva.
Pray you, use your patience in good time.
Caius.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog,
John ape.
Eva.
Pray you, let us not be laughing-stocks to other
mens humours: I desire you in friendship, and will
-- 263 --
one way or other make you amends; I will knog your
urinal about your knave's cogs-comb, for missing your
meetings and appointments.
Caius.
Diable! Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer,
have I not stay for him, to kill him? have I not, at
de place I did appoint?
Eva.
As I am a christian's soul, now look you, this
is the place appointed; I'll be judgment by mine Host
of the Garter.
Host.
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welch,
soul-curer and body-curer.
Caius.
Ay, dat is very good, excellent.
Host.
Peace, I say; hear mine Host of the Garter.
Am I politick? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? shall
I lose my Doctor? no; he gives me the potions and
the motions. Shall I lose my Parson? my Priest? my
Sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs.
Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so: Give me
thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceiv'd
you both: I have directed you to wrong places: your
hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burn'd
sack be the Issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn.
Follow me, lad of peace, follow, follow, follow.
Shal.
Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen,
follow.
Slen.
O sweet Anne Page!
[Ex. Shal. Slen. Page and Host.
Caius.
Ha! do I perceive dat? have you make a-de-sot
of us, ha, ha?
Eva.
This is well, he has made us his vlouting-stog.
I desire you, that we may be friends; and let
us knog our prains together to be revenge on this
same scald-scurvy-cogging companion, the Host of the
Garter.
Caius.
By gar, with all my heart; he promise to
bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me
too.
Eva.
Well, I will smite his noddles; pray you, follow.
[Exeunt.
-- 264 --
Scene 2
SCENE, The Street, in Windsor.
Enter Mistress Page, and Robin.
Mrs. Page.
Nay, keep your way, little gallant;
you were wont to be a follower, but
now you are a leader. Whether had you rather lead
mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?
Rob.
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a
man, than follow him like a dwarf.
Mrs. Page.
O, you are a flattering boy; now
you'll be a Courtier.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Well met, mistress Page; whither go you?
Mrs. Page.
Truly, Sir, to see your wife; is she at
home?
Ford.
Ay; and as idle as she may hang together,
for want of company; I think if your husbands were
dead, you two would marry.
Mrs. Page.
Be sure of that, two other husbands.
Ford.
Where had you this pretty weather-cock?
Mrs. Page.
I cannot tell what the dickens his name
is my husband had him of: what do you call your
Knight's name, sirrah?
Rob.
Sir John Falstaff.
Ford.
Sir John Falstaff?
Mrs. Page.
He, he; I can never hit on's name;
there is such a league between my good man and he.
Is your wife at home, indeed?
Ford.
Indeed, she is.
Mrs. Page.
By your leave, Sir; I am sick, 'till I see
her.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page and Robin.
Ford.
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath
he any thinking? sure, they sleep; he hath no use of
them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile,
as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve-score;
he pieces out his wife's inclination; he gives her folly
motion and advantage; and now she's going to my
-- 265 --
wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A man may hear
this shower sing in the wind: and Falstaff's boy with
her! good plots; they are laid, and our revolted
wives share damnation together. Well, I will take
him, then torture my wife; pluck the borrowed vail
of modesty from the so seeming mistress Page, divulge
Page himself for a secure and wilful Acteon, and to these
violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim.
The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids
me search; there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be rather
praised for this, than mocked; for it is as positive as
the earth is firm, that Falstaff is there: I will go.
To him, Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Evans, and Caius.
Shal. Page, &c.
Well met, Mr. Ford.
Ford.
Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at
home, and, I pray you, all go with me.
Shal.
I must excuse my self, Mr. Ford.
Slen.
And so must I, Sir; we have appointed to dine
with Mrs. Anne, and I would not break with her for
more mony than I'll speak of.
Shal.
We have linger'd about a match between Anne
Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have
our answer.
Slen.
I hope, I have your good will, father Page.
Page.
You have, Mr. Slender; I stand wholly for you;
but my wife, master Doctor, is for you altogether.
Cai.
Ay, by gar, and de maid is love-a-me: my
nursh-a-Quickly tell me so mush.
Host.
What say you to young Mr. Fenton? he capers,
he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes
verses, he speaks holy-day, he smells April and May;
he will carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons, he
will carry't.
Page.
Not by my consent, I promise you: the Gentleman
is of no Having, he kept company with the wild
Prince and Poinz: he is of too high a region, he knows
too much; no, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes
with the finger of my substance. If he take her,
-- 266 --
let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on
my consent, and my consent goes not that way.
Ford.
I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home
with me to dinner; besides your cheer you shall have
sport; I will shew you a monster. Mr. Doctor, you
shall go; so shall you, Mr. Page; and you, Sir Hugh.
Shal.
Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer
wooing at Mr. Page's.
Caius.
Go home, John Rugby, I come anon.
Host.
Farewel, my hearts; I will to my honest Knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
Ford.
I think, I shall drink in Pipe-wine first with
him: I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?
All.
Have with you, to see this monster.
[Exeunt.
Scene 3
SCENE changes to Ford's House.
Enter Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Page, and Servants with a basket.
Mrs. Ford.
What, John, what, Robert!
Mrs. Page.
Quickly, quickly: is the
buck-basket—
Mrs. Ford.
I warrant. What, Robin, I say.
Mrs. Page.
Come, come, come.
Mrs. Ford.
Here, set it down.
Mrs. Page.
Give your men the charge, we must be
brief.
Mrs. Ford.
Marry, as I told you before, John and
Robert, be ready here hard-by in the brew-house, and
when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any
pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders;
that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among
the whitsters in Datchet-Mead, and there empty
it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames-side.
Mrs. Page.
You will do it?
Mrs. Ford.
I ha' told them over and over; they
lack no direction. Be gone, and come when you are
call'd.
Mrs. Page.
Here comes little Robin.
-- 267 --
Enter Robin.
Mrs. Ford.
How now, my Eyas-musket, what news
with you?
Rob.
My master Sir John is come in at your back-door,
mistress Ford, and requests your company.
Mrs. Page.
You little Jack-a-lent, have you been true
to us?
Rob.
Ay, I'll be sworn; my master knows not of
your being here, and hath threaten'd to put me into
everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for he swears,
he'll turn me away.
Mrs. Page.
Thou'rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine
shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new
doublet and hose. I'll go hide me.
Mrs. Ford.
Do so; go tell thy master, I am alone;
mistress Page, remember you your cue.
[Exit Robin.
Mrs. Page.
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss
me.
[Exit Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Ford.
Go to then; we'll use this unwholsome
humidity, this gross watry pumpion—we'll teach
him to know turtles from jays.
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
Have I caught thee, my heav'nly jewel? why,
now let me die; for I have liv'd long enough: this is
the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
Mrs. Ford.
O sweet Sir John!
Fal.
Mrs. Ford, I cannot cog; I cannot prate, mistress
Ford: now shall I sin in my wish. I would, thy
husband were dead; I'll speak it before the best lord, I
would make thee my lady.
Mrs. Ford.
I your lady, Sir John? alas, I should be
a pitiful lady.
Fal.
Let the Court of France shew me such another;
I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou
hast the right arched bent of the brow, that becomes
the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any Venetian attire.
Mrs. Ford.
A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows
become nothing else, nor that well neither.
-- 268 --
Fal.
Thou art a tyrant to say so; thou would'st
make an absolute Courtier; and the firm fixure of thy
foot would give an excellent motion to thy gate, in a
semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert; if fortune
thy foe were not, nature is thy friend: come,
thou canst not hide it.
Mrs. Ford.
Believe me, there's no such thing in me.
Fal.
What made me love thee? let that persuade
thee. There's something extraordinary in thee. Come,
I cannot cog, and say, thou art this and that, like a-many
of these lisping haw-thorn buds, that come like
women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklers-Berry
in simpling time; I cannot: but I love thee, none but
thee; and thou deservest it.
Mrs. Ford.
Do not betray me, Sir; I fear, you love
mistress Page.
Fal.
Thou might'st as well say, I love to walk by
the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek
of a lime-kiln.
Mrs. Ford.
Well, heav'n knows how I love you, and
you shall one day find it.
Fal.
Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else
I could not be in that mind.
Rob. [within.]
Mistress Ford, mistress Ford, here's
mistress Page at the door, sweating, and blowing, and
looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
Fal.
She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind
the arras.
Mrs. Ford.
Pray you, do so; she's a very tattling woman.
[Falstaff hides himself.
Enter Mistress Page.
What's the matter? how now?
Mrs. Page.
O mistress Ford, what have you done?
you're sham'd, y'are overthrown, you are undone for
ever.
Mrs. Ford.
What's the matter, good mistress Page?
Mrs. Page.
O well-a-day, mistress Ford, having an
honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of
suspicion.
-- 269 --
Mrs. Ford.
What cause of suspicion?
Mrs. Page.
What cause of suspicion? out upon you!
how am I mistook in you?
Mrs. Ford.
Why, alas! what's the matter?
Mrs. Page.
Your husband's coming hither, woman,
with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman,
that, he says, is here now in the house, by your
consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence. You
are undone.
Mrs. Ford.
Speak louder—[Aside] 'Tis not so, I hope.
Mrs. Page.
Pray heav'n it be not so, that you have
such a man here; but 'tis most certain, your husband's
coming with half Windsor at his heels, to search for
such a one. I come before to tell you: if you know
your self clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have
a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amaz'd,
call all your senses to you, defend your reputation, or
bid farewel to your good life for ever.
Mrs. Ford.
What shall I do? there is a gentleman,
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame, so
much as his peril. I had rather than a thousand pound,
he were out of the house.
Mrs. Page.
For shame, never stand you had rather,
and you had rather; your husband's here at hand; bethink
you of some conveyance, in the house you cannot
hide him. Oh, how have you deceiv'd me? look,
here is a basket, if he be of any reasonable stature, he
may creep in here, and throw foul linnen upon him,
as if it were going to bucking: or it is whiting time,
send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.
Mrs. Ford.
He's too big to go in there: what shall
I do?
Re-enter Falstaff.
Fal.
Let me see't, let me see't, O let me see't; I'll
in, I'll in; follow your friend's counsel; I'll in.
Mrs. Page.
What! Sir John Falstaff? are these your
letters, Knight?
Fal.
I love thee, help me away; let me creep in here:
I'll never—
[He goes into the basket, they cover him with foul linnen.
-- 270 --
Mrs. Page.
Help to cover your master, boy: call
your men, mistress Ford. You dissembling Knight!
Mrs. Ford.
What, John, Robert, John, go take up
these cloaths here, quickly. Where's the cowl-staff?
look, how you drumble: carry them to the landress in
Datchet-mead; quickly, come.
Enter Ford, Page, Caius, and Evans.
Ford.
Pray you, come near; if I suspect without
cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be
your jest, I deserve it. How now? whither bear you
this?
Serv.
To the landress, forsooth.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, what have you to do whither
they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford.
Buck? I would I could wash my self of the
buck: buck, buck, buck? ay, buck: I warrant you,
buck, and of the season too, it shall appear. [Exeunt
Servants with the basket.] Gentlemen, I have dream'd
to night, I'll tell you my dream: here, here, here be
my keys; ascend my chambers, search, seek, find out.
I'll warrant, we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this
way first. So, now uncape.
Page.
Good master Ford, be contented: you wrong
your self too much.
Ford.
True, master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall
see sport anon; follow me, gentlemen.
Eva.
This is ferry fantastical humours and jealousies.
Caius.
By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is
not jealous in France—
Page.
Nay, follow him, gentlemen, see the issue of
his search.
[Exeunt.
Manent Mistress Page and Mistress Ford.
Mrs. Page.
Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mrs. Ford.
I know not which pleases me better,
that my husband is deceiv'd, or Sir John.
-- 271 --
Mrs. Page.
What a taking was he in, when your
husband ask'd who was in the basket?
Mrs. Ford.
I am half afraid, he will have need of
washing; so throwing him into the water will do him
a benefit.
Mrs. Page.
Hang him, dishonest rascal; I would all
of the same strain were in the same distress.
Mrs. Ford.
I think, my husband hath some special
suspicion of Falstaff's being here! I never saw him so
gross in his jealousie till now.
Mrs. Page.
I will lay a plot to try that, and we will
yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease
will scarce obey this medicine.
Mrs. Ford.
Shall we send that foolish carrion, mistress
Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the
water, and give him another hope, to betray him to
another punishment?
Mrs. Page.
We'll do it; let him be sent for to morrow
by eight a clock, to have amends.
Re-enter Ford, Page, &c.
Ford.
I cannot find him; may be, the knave bragg'd
of that he could not compass.
Mrs. Page.
Heard you that?
Mrs. Ford.
I, I; peace:—You use me well, master
Ford, do you?
Ford.
Ay, ay, I do so.
Mrs. Ford.
Heav'n make you better than your
thoughts!
Ford.
Amen.
Mrs. Page.
You do your self mighty wrong, Mr.
Ford.
Ford.
Ay, ay; I must bear it.
Eva.
If there be any pody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heav'n
forgive my sins at the day of Judgment.
Caius.
By gar, nor I too; there is no bodies.
Page.
Fie, fie, Mr. Ford, are you not asham'd? what
spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would
not ha' your distemper in this kind, for the wealth of
Windsor Castle.
-- 272 --
Ford.
'Tis my fault, Mr. Page: I suffer for it.
Eva.
You suffer for a pad conscience; your wife is
as honest a o'mans, as I will desires among five thousand,
and five hundred too.
Caius.
By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
Ford.
Well, I promis'd you a dinner; come, come,
walk in the park. I pray you, pardon me; I will
hereafter make known to you, why I have done this.
Come, wife; come, mistress Page; I pray you, pardon
me: pray heartily, pardon me.
Page.
Let's go in, gentlemen; but trust me, we'll
mock him. I do invite you to morrow morning to
my house to breakfast; after, we'll a birding together;
I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?
Ford.
Any thing.
Eva.
If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
Caius.
If there be one or two, I shall make-a the
turd.
Sir Hugh.
In your Teeth, for Shame.
Ford.
Pray you go, Mr. Page.
Eva.
I pray you now, remembrance to morrow on
the lousie knave, mine Host.
Caius.
Dat is good, by gar, with all my heart.
Eva.
A lousie knave, to have his gibes, and his
mockeries.
[Exeunt.
Scene 4
SCENE changes to Page's House.
Enter Fenton and Mistress Anne Page.
Fent
I see, I cannot get thy father's love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
Anne.
Alas! how then?
Fent.
Why, thou must be thy self.
He doth object, I am too great of birth;
And that my state being gall'd with my expence,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth.
Besides these, other bars he lays before me,
-- 273 --
My riots past, my wild societies:
And tells me, 'tis a thing impossible
I should love thee, but as a property.
Anne.
May be, he tells you true.
Fent.
No, heav'n so speed me in my time to come!
Albeit, I will confess, thy father's wealth
Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:
Yet wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags;
And 'tis the very riches of thy self
That now I aim at.
Anne.
Gentle Mr. Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love: still seek it, Sir;
If opportunity and humblest suit(19) note
Cannot attain it, why then—hark you hither.
[Fenton and Mrs. Anne go apart.
Enter Shallow, Slender, and Mistress Quickly.
Sal.
Break their talk, mistress Quickly; my kinsman
shall speak for himself.
Slen.
I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'd'slid, 'tis but
venturing.
Shal.
Be not dismay'd.
Slen.
No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for
that, but that I am affeard.
Quic.
Hark ye, Mr. Slender would speak a word
with you.
Anne.
I come to him.—This is my father's choice.
O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults
Look handsome in three hundred pounds a year!
Quic.
And how does good master Fenton? pray you,
a word with you.
Shal.
She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst
a father!
-- 274 --
Slen.
I had a father, Mrs. Anne; my uncle can tell
you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mrs. Anne
the jest, how my father stole two geese out of a pen,
good uncle.
Shal.
Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
Slen.
Ay, that I do, as well as I love any woman in
Gloucestershire.
Shal.
He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.
Slen.
Ay, that I will; come cut and long-tail, under
the degree of a Squire.
Shal.
He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds
jointure.
Anne.
Good master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
Shal.
Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for
that. Good comfort; she calls you, coz: I'll leave
you.
Anne.
Now, master Slender.
Slen.
Now, good mistress Anne.
Anne.
What is your will?
Slen.
My Will? od's-heart-lings, that's a pretty jest,
indeed, I ne'er made my Will yet, I thank heav'n; I
am not such a sickly creature, I give heav'n praise.
Anne.
I mean, Mr. Slender, what would you with
me?
Slen.
Truly, for my own part, I would little or nothing
with you; your father and my uncle have made
motions; if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be
his dole! they can tell you how things go, better than
I can; you may ask your father; here he comes.
Enter Page, and Mistress Page.
Page.
Now, master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.
—Why how now? what does master Fenton here?
You wrong me, Sir, thus still to haunt my house:
I told you, Sir, my daughter is dispos'd of.
Fent.
Nay, master Page, be not impatient.
Mrs. Page.
Good Master Fenton, come not to my
child.
-- 275 --
Page.
She is no match for you.
Fent.
Sir, will you hear me?
Page.
No, good master Fenton.
Come, master Shallow; come, son Slender, in.
Knowing my mind, you wrong me, master Fenton.
[Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Quic.
Speak to mistress Page.
Fent.
Good mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checks, rebukes and manners,
I must advance the colours of my love,
And not retire. Let me have your good Will.
Anne.
Good mother, do not marry me to yon fool.
Mrs. Page.
I mean it not, I seek you a better husband.
Quic.
That's my master, master Doctor.
Anne.
Alas, I had rather be set quick i'th' earth,
And bowl'd to death with turneps.
Mrs. Page.
Come, trouble not your self, good master Fenton,
I will not be your friend nor enemy:
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
And as I find her, so am I affected.
'Till then, farewel, Sir; she must needs go in,
Her father will be angry.
[Ex. Mrs. Page and Anne.
Fent.
Farewel, gentle mistress; farewel, Nan.
Quic.
This is my doing now. Nay, said I, will you
cast away your child on a fool, and a physician? look
on master Fenton: this is my doing.
Fent.
I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to night
Give my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy pains.
[Exit.
Quic.
Now heav'n send thee good fortune! A kind
heart he hath, a woman would run through fire and
water for such a kind heart. But yet, I would my
master had mistress Anne, or I would Mr. Slender had
her; or, in sooth, I would Mr. Fenton had her. I will
do what I can for them all three, for so I have promis'd;
and I'll be as good as my word, but speciously
-- 276 --
for Mr. Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir
John Falstaff from my two mistresses; what a beast am
I to slack it?
[Exit.
Scene 5
SCENE changes to the Garter-Inn.
Enter Falstaff and Bardolph.
Fal.
Bardolph, I say.
Bard.
Here, Sir.
Fal.
Go fetch me a quart of sack, put a toast in't.
[Ex. Bard.] Have I liv'd to be carry'd in a basket,
like a barrow of butchers offal, and to be thrown into
the Thames? well, if I be serv'd such another trick,
I'll have my brains ta'en out and butter'd, and give
them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues
slighted me into the river, with as little remorse
(20) note
as they would have drown'd a bitch's blind puppies,
fifteen i' th' litter; and you may know, by my size,
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking: if the bottom
were as deep as hell, I should down. I had been
drown'd, but that the shore was shelvy and shallow; a
death that I abhor; for the water swells a man: and
what a thing should I have been, when I had been
swell'd? I should have been a mountain of mummy.
Enter Bardolph.
Now, is the Sack brew'd?
Bard.
Here's Mrs. Quickly, Sir, to speak with you.
Fal.
Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames-water;
for my belly's as cold as if I had swallow'd
-- 277 --
snow-balls, for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.
Bard.
Come in, woman.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quic.
By your leave: I cry you mercy. Give your
worship good morrow.
Fal.
Take away these challices: go brew me a pottle
of sack finely.
Bard.
With eggs, Sir?
Fal.
Simple of it self: I'll no pullet-sperm in my
brewage. How now?
Quic.
Marry, Sir, I come to your worship from
mistress Ford.
Fal.
Mistress Ford? I have had Ford enough; I
was thrown into the Ford; I have my belly full of
Ford.
Quic.
Alas the day! good heart, that was not her
fault: she does so take on with her men; they mistook
their erection.
Fal.
So did I mine, to build on a foolish woman's
promise.
Quic.
Well, she laments, Sir, for it, that it would
yern your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
a birding; she desires you once more to come to
her between eight and nine. I must carry her word
quickly; she'll make you amends, I warrant you.
Fal.
Well, I will visit her; tell her so, and bid her
think, what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and
then judge of my merit.
Quic.
I will tell her.
Fal.
Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou?
Quic.
Eight and nine, Sir.
Fal.
Well, be gone; I will not miss her.
Quic.
Peace be with you, Sir.
[Exit.
Fal.
I marvel, I hear not of master Brook; he sent
me word to stay within: I like his mony well. Oh,
here he comes.
-- 278 --
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Bless you, Sir.
Fal.
Now, master Brook, you come to know what
hath pass'd between me and Ford's wife.
Ford.
That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.
Fal.
Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at
her house the hour she appointed me.
Ford.
And you sped, Sir?
Fal.
Very ill-favour'dly, master Brook.
Ford.
How, Sir, did she change her determination?
Fal.
No, master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her
husband, master Brook, dwelling in a continual larum
of jealousie, comes me in the instant of our encounter;
after we had embrac'd, kiss'd, protested, and as
it were spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his
heels a rabble of his companions, thither provok'd and
instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his
house for his wife's love.
Ford.
What, while you were there?
Fal.
While I was there.
Ford.
And did he search for you, and could not find
you?
Fal.
You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
comes in one mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford's
approach, and by her invention, and Ford's wife's
distraction, they convey'd me into a buck-basket.
Ford.
A buck-basket?
Fal.
Yea, a buck-basket; ramm'd me in with foul
shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, and greasie
napkins; that, master Brook, there was the rankest
compound of villainous smell, that ever offended nostril.
Ford.
And how long lay you there?
Fal.
Nay, you shall hear, master Brook, what I
have suffer'd, to bring this woman to evil for your
good. Being thus cramm'd in the basket, a couple
of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were call'd forth by their
mistress, to carry me in the name of foul cloaths to
Datchet-lane; they took me on their shoulders, met
the jealous knave their master in the door, who ask'd
-- 279 --
them once or twice what they had in their basket; I
quak'd for fear, lest the lunatick knave would have
search'd it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold,
held his hand. Well, on went he for a search,
and away went I for foul cloaths; but mark the sequel,
master Brook; I suffered the pangs of three egregious
deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to be detected
by a jealous rotten bell-weather; next to be
compass'd like a good bilbo, in the circumference of
a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and then to be
stopt in, like a strong distillation, with stinking cloaths
that fretted in their own grease: think of that, a man
of my kidney; think of that, that am as subject to
heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and
thaw; it was a miracle to 'scape suffocation. And in
the height of this bath, when I was more than half
stew'd in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into
the Thames, and cool'd glowing hot, in that surge,
like a horse-shoe; think of that; hissing hot; think
of that, master Brook.
Ford.
In good sadness, Sir, I am sorry that for my
sake you suffer'd all this. My suit is then desperate;
you'll undertake her no more?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as
I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus.
Her husband is this morning gone a birding; I have
receiv'd from her another embassie of meeting; 'twixt
eight and nine is the hour, master Brook.
Ford.
'Tis past eight already, Sir.
Fal.
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure, and
you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall
be crown'd with your enjoying her; adieu, you shall
have her, master Brook; master Brook, you shall cuckold
Ford.
[Exit.
Ford.
Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream?
do I sleep? master Ford, awake; awake, master Ford;
there's a hole made in your best coat, master Ford; this
'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linnen and buck-baskets!
well, I will proclaim my self what I am; I will now
-- 280 --
take the leacher; he is at my house; he cannot 'scape
me; 'tis impossible, he should; he cannot creep into
a half-penny purse, nor into a pepper-box. But, lest
the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search
impossible places; tho' what I am I cannot avoid, yet
to be what I would not, shall not make me tame: if I
have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with
me, I'll be horn-mad.
[Exit.
ACT IV.
Scene 1
SCENE, Page's house.
Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Quickly, and William.
Mrs. Page.
Is he at Mr. Ford's already, think'st thou?
Quic.
Sure, he is by this, or will be presently;
but truly he is very courageous mad, about his
throwing into the water; Mrs. Ford desires you to come
suddenly.
Mrs. Page.
I'll be with her by and by; I'll but
bring my young man here to school. Look, where
his master comes; 'tis a playing-day, I see. How now,
Sir Hugh, no school to day?
Enter Evans.
Eva.
No; master Slender is let the boys leave to
play.
Quic.
Blessing of his heart.
Mrs. Page.
Sir Hugh, my husband says, my son profits
nothing in the world at his book; I pray you, ask
him some questions in his Accidence.
Eva.
Come hither, William; hold up your head,
come.
-- 281 --
Mrs. Page.
Come on, Sirrah, hold up your head;
answer your master, be not afraid.
Eva.
William, how many numbers is in nouns?
Will.
Two.
Quic.
Truly, I thought there had been one number
more, because they say, od's nouns.
Eva.
Peace your tatlings. What is, Fair, William?
Will.
Pulcher.
Quic.
Poulcats? there are fairer things than poulcats,
sure.
Eva.
You are a very simplicity o'man; I pray you,
peace. What is, Lapis, William?
Will.
A stone.
Eva.
And what is a stone, William?
Will.
A pebble.
Eva.
No, it is Lapis: I pray you, remember in your
prain.
Will.
Lapis.
Eva.
That is a good William: what is he, William,
that does lend articles?
Will.
Articles are borrow'd of the pronoun, and be
thus declin'd, singulariter nominativo, hic, hæc, hoc.
Eva.
Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark:
genitivo, hujus: well, what is your accusative case?
Will.
Accusative, hinc.
Eva.
I pray you, have your remembrance, child;
accusative, hung, hang, hog.
Quic.
Hang hog is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.
Eva.
Leave your prabbles, o'man. What is the focative
case, William?
Will.
O, vocativo, O.
Eva.
Remember, William, focative is caret.
Quic.
And that's a good root.
Eva.
O'man, forbear.
Mrs. Page.
Peace.
Eva.
What is your genitive case plural, William?
Will.
Genitive case?
Eva.
Ay.
Will.
Genitive, horum, harum, horum.
-- 282 --
Quick.
'Vengeance of Ginyes case; fie on her; never
name her, child, if she be a whore.
Eva.
For shame, o'man.
Quic.
You do ill to teach the child such words: he
teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast
enough of themselves; and to call horum; fie upon
you!
Eva.
O'man, art thou lunacies? hast thou no understandings
for thy cases, and the numbers of the
genders? thou art as foolish christian creatures, as I
would desire.
Mrs. Page.
Pr'ythee, hold thy peace.
Eva.
Shew me now, William, some declensions of
your pronouns.
Will.
Forsooth, I have forgot.
Eva.
It is qui, quæ, quod; if you forget your quies,
your quæs, and your quods, you must be preeches: go
your ways and play, go.
Mrs. Page.
He is a better scholar, than I thought
he was.
Eva.
He is a good sprag memory. Farewel, Mrs.
Page.
Mrs. Page.
Adieu, good Sir Hugh. Get you home,
boy. Come, we stay too long.
[Exeunt.
Scene 2
SCENE changes to Ford's house.
Enter Falstaff and Mistress Ford.
Fal.
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten
up my sufferance; I see you are obsequious
in your love, and I profess requital to a hair's
breadth; not only, mistress Ford, in the simple office
of love, but in all the accoustrement, complement,
and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband
now?
Mrs. Ford.
He's a birding, sweet Sir John.
Mrs. Page. [within.]
What hoa, gossip Ford! what
hoa!
-- 283 --
Mrs. Ford.
Step into th' chamber, Sir John.
[Exit Falstaff.
Enter Mistress Page.
Mrs. Page.
How now, sweet heart, who's at home
besides your self?
Mrs. Ford.
Why none but mine own people.
Mrs. Page.
Indeed?
Mrs. Ford.
No, certainly—Speak louder.
[Aside.
Mrs. Page.
Truly, I am so glad you have no body
here.
Mrs. Ford.
Why?
Mrs. Page.
Why, woman, your husband is in his
old lunes again; he so takes on yonder with my husband,
so rails against all married mankind, so curses
all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever, and so
buffets himself on the fore-head, crying, peer-out, peer-out!
that any madness I ever yet beheld seem'd but
tameness, civility, and patience, to this distemper he is
in now; I am glad, the fat Knight is not here.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, does he talk of him?
Mrs. Page.
Of none but him; and swears, he was
carry'd out, the last time he search'd for him, in a
basket; protests to my husband, he is now here; and
hath drawn him and the rest of their company from
their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion;
but I am glad, the Knight is not here; now he
shall see his own foolery.
Mrs. Ford.
How near is he, mistress Page?
Mrs. Page.
Hard by, at street's end, he will be here
anon.
Mrs. Ford.
I am undone, the Knight is hero.
Mrs. Page.
Why, then thou art utterly sham'd, and
he's but a dead man. What a woman are you? away
with him, away with him; better, shame than murther.
Mrs. Ford.
Which way should he go? how should
I bestow him? shall I put him into the basket again?
-- 284 --
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
No, I'll come no more i'th' basket: may I
not go out, ere he come?
Mrs. Page.
Alas! alas! three of master Ford's brothers
watch the door with pistols, that none should
issue out, otherwise you might slip away ere he came:
but what make you here?
Fal.
What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.
Mrs. Ford.
There they always use to discharge their
birding-pieces; creep into the kill-hole.
Fal.
Where is it?
Mrs. Ford.
He will seek there, on my word: neither
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he
hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places,
and goes to them by his note; there is no hiding you
in the house.
Fal.
I'll go out then.
Mrs. Ford.
If you go out in your own semblance,
you die, Sir John, unless you go out disguis'd. How
might we disguise him?
Mrs. Page.
Alas-the-day, I know not; there is no
woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise, he
might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so
escape.
Fal.
Good heart, devise something; any extremity,
rather than mischief.
Mrs. Ford.
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brainford,
has a gown above.
Mrs. Page.
On my word, it will serve him; she's
as big as he is, and there's her thrumb hat, and her
muffler too. Run up, Sir John.
Mrs. Ford.
Go, go, sweet Sir John; mistress Page
and I will look some linnen for your head.
Mrs. Page.
Quick, quick, we'll come dress you
straight; put on the gown the while.
[Ex. Falstaff.
Mrs. Ford.
I would, my husband would meet him
in this shape; he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford;
he swears, she's a witch, forbad her my house,
and hath threatned to beat her.
-- 285 --
Mrs. Page.
Heav'n guide him to thy husband's cudgel,
and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
Mrs. Ford.
But is my husband coming?
Mrs. Page.
Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of
the basket too, however he hath had intelligence.
Mrs. Ford.
We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men
to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door
with it, as they did last time.
Mrs. Page.
Nay, but he'll be here presently; let's
go dress him like the witch of Brainford.
Mrs. Ford.
I'll first direct my men, what they shall
do with the basket; go up, I'll bring linnen for him
straight.
Mrs. Page.
Hang him, dishonest varlet, we cannot
misuse him enough.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry, and yet honest too.
We do not act, that often jest and laugh:
'Tis old but true, Still swine eats all the draugh.
Mrs. Ford.
Go, Sirs, take the basket again on your
shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you
set it down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page and Mrs. Ford.
Enter Servants with the basket.
1 Serv.
Come, come, take up.
2 Serv.
Pray heav'n, it be not full of the Knight
again.
1 Serv.
I hope not. I had as lief bear so much lead.
Enter Ford, Shallow, Page, Caius and Evans.
Ford.
Ay, but if it prove true, master Page, have
you any way then to unfool me again? set down the
basket, villain; somebody call my wife: youth in a
basket! oh you panderly rascals, there's a knot, a
gang, a pack, a conspiracy, against me: now shall the
devil be sham'd. What! wife, I say; come, come
forth, behold what honest cloaths you send forth to
bleaching.
-- 286 --
Page.
Why, this passes, master Ford,—you are
not to go loose any longer, you must be pinnion'd.
Eva.
Why, this is lunaticks; this is mad as a mad
dog.
Enter Mrs. Ford.
Shal.
Indeed, master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
Ford.
So say I too, Sir. Come hither, mistress Ford;
mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the
virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband!
I suspect without cause, mistress, do I?
Mrs. Ford.
Heav'n be my witness you do, if you suspect
me in any dishonesty.
Ford.
Well said, brazen-face; hold it out: come
forth, Sirrah.
[Pulls the cloaths out of the basket.
Page.
This passes,—
Mrs. Ford.
Are you not asham'd, let the cloaths
alone.
Ford.
I shall find you anon.
Eva.
'Tis unreasonable; will you take up your wife's
cloaths? come away.
Ford.
Empty the basket, I say.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, man, why?
Ford.
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one
convey'd out of my house yesterday in this basket;
why may not he be there again? in my house I am
sure he is; my intelligence is true, my jealousie is reasonable;
pluck me out all the linnen.
Mrs. Ford.
If you find a man there, he shall die a
flea's death.
Page.
Here's no man.
Shal.
By my fidelity, this is not well, master Ford;
this wrongs you.
Eva.
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
the imaginations of your own heart; this is jealousies.
Ford.
Well, he's not here I seek for.
Page.
No, nor no where else but in your brain.
Ford.
Help to search my house this one time; if I
find not what I seek, shew no colour for my extremity;
let me for ever be your table-sport; let them
say of me, as jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow
-- 287 --
wall-nut for his wife's leman. Satisfie me once
more, once more search with me.
Mrs. Ford.
What hoa, mistress Page! come you, and
the old woman down; my husband will come into the
chamber.
Ford.
Old woman! what old woman's that?
Mrs. Ford.
Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brainford.
Ford.
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean;
have I not forbid her my house? she comes of errands,
does she? we are simple men, we do not know what's
brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling.
She works by charms, by spells, by th' figure; and
such dawbry as this is beyond our element; we know
nothing. Come down, you witch; you hag you,
come down, I say.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, good sweet husband; good gentlemen,
let him not strike the old woman.
Enter Falstaff in womens cloaths, and Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Page.
Come, mother Prat, come, give me your
hand.
Ford.
I'll Prat her. Out of my door, you witch!
[Beats him.] you hag, you baggage, you poulcat, you
runnion! out, out, out; I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell
you.
[Exit Fal.
Mrs. Page.
Are you not asham'd? I think, you have
kill'd the poor woman.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, he will do it; 'tis a goodly credit
for you.
Ford.
Hang her, witch.
Eva.
By yea and no, I think, the o'man is a witch
indeed: I like not, when a o'man has a great peard;
I spy a great peard under her muffler.
Ford.
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you,
follow; see but the issue of my jealousie; (21) note
if I cry
-- 288 --
out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
Page.
Let's obey his humour a little further: come,
gentlemen.
[Exeunt.
Mrs. Page.
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, by th' mass, that he did not; he
beat him most unpitifully, methought.
Mrs. Page.
I'll have the cudgel hallow'd and hung
o'er the altar; it hath done meritorious service.
Mrs. Ford.
What think you? may we, with the
warrant of woman-hood, and the witness of a good
conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
Mrs. Page.
The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scar'd
out of him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple,
with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the
way of waste, attempt us again.
Mrs. Ford.
Shall we tell our husbands how we have
served him?
Mrs. Page.
Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husband's brain. If they can
find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat Knight
shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the
ministers.
Mrs. Ford.
I'll warrant, they'll have him publickly
sham'd; and, methinks, there would be no period to
the jest, should he not be publickly sham'd.
Mrs. Page.
Come to the forge with it, then shape
it: I would not have things cool.
[Exeunt.
Scene 3
SCENE changes to the Garter-Inn.
Enter Host and Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir, the German desires to have three of your
horses; the Duke himself will be to morrow
at Court, and they are going to meet him.
Host.
What Duke should that be, comes so secretly?
-- 289 --
I hear not of him in the Court: let me speak with
the gentlemen; they speak English?
Bard.
Sir, I'll call them to you.
Host.
They shall have my horses, but I'll make them
pay, I'll sawce them. They have had my house a
week at command; I have turn'd away my other guests;
(22) notethey must compt off; I'll sawce them, come.
[Exeunt.
Scene 4
SCENE changes to Ford's house.
Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Evans.
Eva.
'Tis one of the best discretions of a o'man, as
ever I did look upon.
Page.
And did he send you both these letters at an
instant?
Mrs. Page.
Within a quarter of an hour.
Ford.
Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt;
I rather will suspect the sun with cold,
Than thee with wantonness; thy honour stands,
In him that was of late an heretick,
As firm of faith.
Page.
'Tis well, 'tis well; no more.
Be not as extream in submission, as in offence;
But let our Plot go forward: let our wives
Yet once again, to make us publick sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him, and disgrace him for it.
Ford.
There is no better way than That they spoke
of.
Page.
How? to send him word they'll meet him in
the Park at midnight? fie, fie, he'll never come.
-- 290 --
Eva.
You say, he hath been thrown into the river;
and has been grievously peaten, as an old o'man; methinks,
there should be terrors in him, that he should
not come; methinks, his flesh is punish'd, he shall
have no desires.
Page.
So think I too.
Mrs. Ford.
Devise but how you'll use him, when he comes;
And let us two devise to bring him thither.
Mrs. Page.
There is an old tale goes, that Herne the hunter,
Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,
Doth all the winter time at still of midnight
Walk round about an oak, with ragged horns;
And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattel;
And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain
In a most hideous and dreadful manner.
You've heard of such a Spirit; and well you know,
The superstitious idle-headed Eld
Receiv'd, and did deliver to our age,
This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.
Page.
Why yet there want not many, that do fear
In deep of night to walk by this Herne's Oak;
But what of this?
Mrs. Ford.
Marry, this is our device,(23) note
That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.
We'll send him word to meet us in the Field,
Disguis'd like Herne, with huge Horns on his Head.
Page.
Well, let it not be doubted, but he'll come.
And in this shape when you have brought him thither,
What shall be done with him? what is your Plot?
-- 291 --
Mrs. Page.
That likewise we have thought upon, and thus:
Nan Page, (my daughter) and my little son,
And three or four more of their growth, we'll dress
Like urchins, ouphes, and fairies, green and white,
With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,
And rattles in their hands; upon a sudden,
As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met,
Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once
With some diffused song: upon their sight,
We two, in great amazedness, will fly;
Then let them all encircle him about,
And fairy-like to pinch the unclean Knight;
And ask him why, that hour of fairy Revel,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread
In shape prophane?
Mrs. Ford.
And 'till he tell the truth,
Let the supposed fairies pinch him round,
And burn him with their tapers.
Mrs. Page.
The truth being known,
We'll all present our selves; dis-horn the spirit,
And mock him home to Windsor.
Ford.
The children must
Be practis'd well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.
Eva.
I will teach the children their behaviours; and
I will be like a jack-anapes also, to burn the Knight
with my taper.
Ford.
This will be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards.
Mrs. Page.
My Nan shall be the Queen of all the fairies;
Finely attired in a robe of white.
Page.
The silk will I go buy, and in that tire(24) note
-- 292 --
Shall Mr. Slender steal my Nan away,
[Aside.
And marry her at Eaton. Go, send to Falstaff straight.
Ford.
Nay, I'll to him again in the name of Brook;
he'll tell me all his Purpose. Sure, he'll come.
Mrs. Page.
Fear not you that; go get us Properties
and Tricking for our fairies.
Eva.
Let us about it, it is admirable pleasures, and
ferry honest knaveries.
[Ex. Page, Ford and Evans.
Mrs. Page.
Go, Mrs. Ford,
Send Quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.(25) note
[Exit Mrs. Ford.
I'll to the Doctor; he hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, tho' well landed, is an Ideot;
And he my husband best of all affects:
The Doctor is well mony'd, and his friends
Potent at Court; he, none but he shall have her;
Tho' twenty thousand worthier came to crave her.
[Exit.
Scene 5
SCENE changes to the Garter-Inn.
Enter Host and Simple.
Host.
What would'st thou have, boor? what,
thick-skin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief,
short, quick, snap.
Simp.
Marry, Sir, I come to speak with Sir John
Falstaff, from Mr. Slender.
Host.
There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with
the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new; go, knock
and call; he'll speak like an anthropophaginian unto
thee: knock, I say.
Simp.
There's an old woman, a fat woman gone up
-- 293 --
into his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, Sir, 'till she
come down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host.
Ha! a fat woman? the Knight may be robb'd:
I'll call. Bully-Knight! bully-Sir John! speak from
thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine Host,
thine Ephesian calls.
Falstaff, above.
Fal.
How now, mine Host?
Host.
Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming
down of thy fat woman: let her descend, bully, let
her descend; my chambers are honourable. Fie, privacy?
fie!
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
There was, mine Host, an old fat woman even
now with me, but she's gone.
Simp.
Pray you, Sir, was't not the wise woman of
Brainford?
Fal.
Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell, what would you
with her?
Simp.
My master, Sir, my master Slender sent to her,
seeing her go thro' the street, to know, Sir, whether
one Nym, Sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had the
chain, or no.
Fal.
I spake with the old woman about it.
Simp.
And what says she, I pray, Sir?
Fal.
Marry, she says, that the very same man, that
beguil'd master Slender of his chain, cozen'd him of it.
Simp.
I would, I could have spoken with the woman
her self; I had other things to have spoken with
her too, from him.
Fal.
What are they? let us know.
Host.
Ay, come; quick.
Simp.
I may not conceal them, Sir.
Fal.
Conceal them, or thou dy'st.
Simp.
Why, Sir, they were nothing but about mistress
Anne Page; to know, if it were my master's fortune
to have her or no.
Fal.
'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
Simp.
What, Sir?
Fal.
To have her, or no: go; say, the woman told
me so.
-- 294 --
Simp.
May I be so bold to say so, Sir?
Fal.
Ay, Sir; like who more bold.
Simp.
I thank your worship: I shall make my master
glad with these tidings.
[Exit Simple.
Host.
Thou art clarkly; thou art clarkly, Sir John:
was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal.
Ay, that there was, mine Host; one, that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learn'd before in my
life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid
for my learning.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Out, alas, Sir, cozenage! meer cozenage!
Host.
Where be my horses? speak well of them,
varletto.
Bard.
Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I
came beyond Eaton, they threw me off from behind
one of them in a slough of mire, and set spurs, and
away; like three German devils, three Doctor Faustus's.
Host.
They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain;
do not say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter Evans.
Eva.
Where is mine Host?
Host.
What is the matter, Sir?
Eva.
Have a care of your entertainments; there is
a friend o'mine come to town, tells me, there is three
cozen-jermans that has cozen'd all the Hosts of Readings,
of Maiden-head, of Colebrook, of horses and mony.
I tell you for good will, look you; you are wise,
and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and 'tis not convenient
you should be cozen'd; fare you well.
[Exit.
Enter Caius.
Caius.
Ver' is mine Host de Jarteer?
Host.
Here, master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
dilemma.
Caius.
I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a-me,
dat you make a grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany;
-- 295 --
by my trot, der is no Duke, dat the Court is
know, to come: I tell you for good will; adieu.
[Ex.
Host.
Hue and cry, villain, go! assist me, Knight,
I am undone; fly, run, hue and cry! Villain, I am
undone!
[Exit.
Fal.
I would, all the world might be cozen'd, for I
have been cozened and beaten too. If it should come
to the ear of the Court, how I have been transformed,
and how my transformation hath been wash'd and
cudgel'd, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by
drop, and liquor fishermens boots with me. I warrant,
they would whip me with their fine wits, 'till I
were as crest-faln as a dry'd pear. I never prosper'd
since I forswore my self at Primero. Well, if my wind
were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.—
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Now, whence come you?
Quic.
From the two parties, forsooth.
Fal.
The devil take one party, and his dam the other,
and so they shall be both bestow'd. I have suffer'd
more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy
of man's disposition is able to bear.
Quic.
And have not they suffer'd? yes, I warrant,
speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good heart, is
beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot
about her.
Fal.
What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I
was beaten my self into all the colours of the rainbow;
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch
of Brainford; but that my admirable dexterity of wit,
counterfeiting the (26) noteaction of a wood woman, deliver'd
-- 296 --
me, the knave constable had set me i'th' stocks,
i'th' common stocks for a witch.
Quic.
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber;
you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your
content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
hearts, what ado is here to bring you together? sure,
one of you does not serve heav'n well, that you are so
cross'd.
Fal.
Come up into my chamber.
[Exeunt.
Enter Fenton and Host.
Host.
Master Fenton, talk not to me, my mind is
heavy, I will give over all.
Fent.
Yet hear me speak; assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
Host.
I will hear you, master Fenton; and I will, at
the least, keep your counsel.
Fent.
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection,
(So far forth as her self might be her chuser)
Ev'n to my wish. I have a letter from her
Of such contents, as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof's so larded with my matter,
That neither singly can be manifested,
Without the shew of both. Fat Sir John Falstaff
Hath a great Scene; the image of the jest
I'll shew you here at large. Hark, good mine Host;
To night at Herne's Oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the fairy Queen;
The purpose why, is here; in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him at Eaton
-- 297 --
Immediately to marry; she hath consented.—Now, Sir,
Her mother, ever strong against that match,
And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their minds;
And at the Deanry, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her; To this her mother's Plot
She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath
Made promise to the Doctor.—Now, thus it rests;
Her father means she shall be all in white,
And in that dress when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand, and bid her go,
She shall go with him.—Her mother hath intended,
The better to devote her to the Doctor,
(For they must all be mask'd and vizarded)
That, quaint in green, she shall be loose enrob'd,
With ribbands-pendent, flaring 'bout her head;
And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and on that token,
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
Host.
Which means she to deceive? father or mother?
Fent.
Both, my good Host, to go along with me;
And here it rests, that you'll procure the Vicar
To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one,
And in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
Host.
Well, husband your device; I'll to the Vicar.
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
Fent.
So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
Beside, I'll make a present recompence.
[Exeunt.
Re-enter Falstaff and Mistress Quickly.
Fal.
Pr'ythee, no more pratling; go, I'll hold. This
is the third time; I hope, good luck lyes in odd numbers;
away, go; they say, there is divinity in odd
numbers, either in nativity, chance or death; away.
Quic.
I'll provide you a chain, and I'll do what I
can to get you a pair of horns.
[Exit Mrs. Quickly.
-- 298 --
Fal.
Away, I say, time wears: hold up your head
and mince.
Enter Ford.
How now, master Brook? master Brook, the matter
will be known to night, or never. Be you in the
Park about mid-night, at Herne's oak, and you shall
see wonders.
Ford.
Went you not to her yesterday, Sir, as you
told me you had appointed?
Fal.
I went to her, master Brook, as you see, like a
poor old man; but I came from her, master Brook,
like a poor old woman. That same knave, Ford her
husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousie in him,
master Brook, that ever govern'd frenzy. I will tell
you; he beat me grievously, in the shape of a woman;
for in the shape of a man, master Brook, I fear
not Goliah with a weaver's beam; because I know also,
life is a shuttle; I am in haste; go along with me,
I'll tell you all, master Brook. Since I pluckt geese,
play'd truant, and whipt top, I knew not what 'twas
to be beaten, 'till lately. Follow me, I'll tell you
strange things of this knave Ford, on whom to night
I will be reveng'd, and I will deliver his wife into your
hand. Follow; strange things in hand, master Brook!
follow.—
[Exeunt.
ACT V.
Scene 1
SCENE, Windsor-Park.
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Page.
Come, come; we'll couch i'th' castle-ditch,
'till we see the light of our fairies. Remember,
son Slender, my daughter.
Slen.
Ay, forsooth, I have spoke with her, and we
have a nay-word how to know one another. I come
-- 299 --
to her in white, and cry, mum; she cries, budget; and
by that we know one another.
Shal.
That's good too; but what needs either your
mum, or her budget? the white will decipher her well
enough. It hath struck ten o'clock.
Page.
The night is dark, light and spirits will become
it well; heav'n prosper our sport! No man means
evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns.
Let's away; follow me.
[Exeunt.
Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford and Caius.
Mrs. Page.
Mr. Doctor, my daughter is in green;
when you see your time, take her by the hand, away
with her to the Deanary, and dispatch it quickly; go
before into the Park; we two must go together.
Caius.
I know vat I have to do; adieu.
[Exit.
Mrs. Page.
Fare you well, Sir. My husband will
not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff, as he will
chafe at the Doctor's marrying my daughter; but 'tis
no matter; better a little chiding, than a great deal of
heart-break.
Mrs. Ford.
Where is Nan now, and her troop of
fairies, (27) noteand the Welch devil Evans?
Mrs. Page.
They are all couch'd in a pit hard by
Herne's oak, with obscur'd lights; which, at the very
instant of Falstaff's and our Meeting, they will at once
display to the night.
Mrs. Ford.
That cannot chuse but amaze him.
Mrs. Page.
If he be not amaz'd, he will be mock'd;
if he be amaz'd, he will every way be mock'd.
Mrs. Ford.
We'll betray him finely.
-- 300 --
Mrs. Page.
Against such lewdsters, and their lechery,
Those, that betray them, do no treachery.
Mrs. Ford.
The hour draws on; to the oak, to the
oak.
[Exeunt.
Enter Evans and Fairies.
Eva.
Trib, trib, fairies; come, and remember your
parts: be pold, I pray you; follow me into the pit;
and when I give the watch-'ords, do as I pid you:
come, come; trib, trib.
[Exeunt.
Enter Falstaff, with a Buck's head on.
Fal.
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve, the minute
draws on; now the hot-blooded Gods assist me!
Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love
set on thy horns. Oh powerful love! that, in some
respects, makes a beast a man; in some other, a man
a beast: You were also, Jupiter, a swan, for the love
of Leda: oh, omnipotent love! how near the God
drew to the complexion of a goose? A fault done
first in the form of a beast,—O Jove, a beastly fault;
and then another fault in the semblance of a fowl:—
think on't, Jove, a foul fault. When Gods have hot
backs, what shall poor men do? for me, I am here a
Windsor stag, and the fattest, I think, i'th' forest. Send
me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to
piss my tallow? who comes here? my Doe?
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.
Mrs. Ford.
Sir John? art thou there, my deer? my
male-deer?
Fal.
My doe with the black scut? let the sky rain
potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of Green-Sleeves;
hail kissing-comfits, and snow eringoes; let there
come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me
here.
Mrs. Ford.
Mistress Page is come with me, sweet
heart.
-- 301 --
Fal.
(28) noteDivide me like a bribe-buck, each a haunch;
I will keep my sides to my self, my shoulders for the fellow
of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands.
Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne
the hunter? why, now is Cupid a child of conscience,
he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome!
[Noise within.
Mrs. Page.
Alas! what noise?
Mrs. Ford.
Heav'n forgive our sins!
Fal.
What should this be?
Mrs. Ford. Mrs. Page.
Away, away.
[The women run out.
Fal.
I think, the devil will not have me damn'd, lest
the oil that is in me should set hell on fire; he never
would else cross me thus.
Enter Sir Hugh like a Satyr; Quickly, and others, drest
like Fairies, with Tapers.
Quic.
Fairies, black, gray, green, and white,
You moon-shine revellers, and shades of night,
You Ouphen-heirs of fixed destiny,(29) note
Attend your office, and your quality.
Crier hobgoblin, make the fairy o-yes.
Eva.
Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys.
Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap:
Where fires thou find'st unrak'd, and hearths unswept,
-- 302 --
There pinch the maids as blew as bilbery.
Our radiant Queen hates sluts and sluttery.
Fal.
They're fairies; he, that speaks to them, shall die.
I'll wink and couch; no man their works must eye.
[Lyes down upon his Face.
Eva.
Where's Pede? go you, and where you find a maid,
That, ere she sleep, hath thrice her prayers said,
Raise up the organs of her fantasie;
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy;
But those, that sleep, and think not on their sins,
Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides and shins.
Quic.
About, about;
Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out.
Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room,
That it may stand 'till the perpetual Doom,
In state as wholsom, as in state 'tis fit;
Worthy the owner, as the owner it(30) note
.
The several chairs of Order look you scour,
With juice of balm and ev'ry precious flow'r;
Each fair Instalment-Coat and sev'ral Crest,
With loyal blazon evermore be blest!
And nightly-meadow-fairies, look, you sing,
Like to the Garter-compass, in a ring:
Th' expressure that it bears, green let it be,
More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;
And, Hony Soit Qui Mal y Pense write,
In emrold-tuffs, flow'rs purple, blue and white,
Like saphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,
Buckled below fair Knight-hood's bending knee;
Fairies use flow'rs for their charactery.
Away, disperse; but, 'till 'tis one o'clock;
Our dance of custom round about the Oak
-- 303 --
Of Herne, the hunter, let us not forget.
Eva.
Pray you, lock hand in hand, your selves in order set:
And twenty glow-worms shall our lanthorns be,
To guide our measure round about the tree.
But stay, I smell a man of middle earth.
Fal.
Heav'ns defend me from that Welch fairy, lest
he transform me to a piece of cheese!
Eva.
Vild worm, thou wast o'er-look'd ev'n in thy birth.
Quic.
With tryal-fire touch me his finger-end;
If he be chaste, the flame will back descend,
And turn him to no pain; but if he start,
It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.
Eva.
A tryal, come.—
[They burn him with their tapers, and pinch him.
Come, will this wood take fire?
Fal.
Oh, oh, oh!
Quic.
Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire;
About him, fairies, sing a scornful rhime:
And as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
Eva.
(31) noteIt is right, indeed, he is full of leacheries
and iniquity.
The SONG.
Fie on sinful phantasie:
Fie on lust and luxury:
Lust is but a bloody fire,
Kindled with unchaste desire,
Fed in heart whose flames aspire,
As thoughts do blow them higher and higher.
Pinch him, fairies, mutually;
Pinch him for his villany:
Pinch him, and burn him, and turn him about,
'Till candles, and star-light, and moon-shine be out.
(32) noteDuring this Song, they pinch him. Doctor Caius
comes one way,and steals away a Boy in green; Slender,
-- 304 --
another way, and he takes away a Boy in white; and
Fenton comes, and steals away Mrs. Anne Page. A
Noise of hunting is made within. All the Fairies run
away. Falstaff pulls off his Buck's head, and rises.
Enter Page, Ford, &c. They lay hold on him.
Page.
Nay, do not fly; I think, We've watcht you now;
Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn?
Mrs. Page.
I pray you, come; hold up the jest no higher.
Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
See you these, husbands? do not these fair Yoaks(33) note
Become the Forest better than the Town?
Ford.
Now, Sir, who's a cuckold now? master
Brook, Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave, here are
his horns, master Brook; and master Brook, he hath enjoy'd
nothing of Ford's but his buck-basket, his cudgel,
and twenty pounds of mony, which must be paid to
master Brook; his horses are arrested for it, master
Brook.
Mrs. Ford.
Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could
never meet. I will never take you for my love again,
but I will always count you my deer.
Fal.
I do begin to perceive, that I am made an ass.
Ford.
Ay, and an ox too: both the proofs are extant.
Fal.
And these are not fairies? I was three or four
times in the thought, they were not fairies; and yet
the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprize of my
-- 305 --
powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into a receiv'd
belief, in despight of the teeth of all rhime and
reason, that they were fairies. See now, how wit may
be made a jack-a-lent, when 'tis upon ill imployment.
Eva.
Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires,
and fairies will not pinse you.
Ford.
Well said, fairy Hugh.
Eva.
And leave you your jealouzies too, I pray you.
Ford.
I will never mistrust my wife again, 'till thou
art able to woo her in good English.
Fal.
Have I laid my brain in the sun and dry'd it,
that it wants matter to prevent so gross o'er-reaching
as this? am I ridden with a Welch goat too? shall I
have a coxcomb of frize? 'tis time, I were choak'd
with a piece of toasted cheese.
Eva.
Seese is not good to give putter; your pelly is
all putter.
Fal.
Seese and putter? have I liv'd to stand in the
taunt of one, that makes fritters of English? this is enough
to be the decay of lust and late-walking, through
the Realm.
Mrs. Page.
Why, Sir John, do you think, though
we would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the
head and shoulders, and have given our selves without
scruple to hell, that ever the devil could have made
you our delight?
Ford.
What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?(34) note
Mrs. Page.
A puft man?
Page.
Old, cold, wither'd, and of intolerable entrails?
Ford.
And one that is as slanderous as Satan?
Page.
And as poor as Job?
-- 306 --
Ford.
And as wicked as his wife?
Eva.
And given to fornications, and to taverns,
and sacks, and wines, and metheglins, and to drinkings,
and swearings, and starings, pribbles and prabbles?
Fal.
Well, I am your theme; you have the start of
me; I am dejected; I am not able to answer the Welch
flannel; ignorance it self is a plummet o'er me; use
me as you will.
Ford.
Marry, Sir, we'll bring you to Windsor to one
Mr. Brook, that you have cozen'd of mony, to whom
you should have been a pander: over and above that
you have suffer'd, I think, to repay that mony will be
a biting affliction.
(35) noteMrs. Ford.
Nay, husband, let That go to make amends:
Forgive that Summ, and so we'll all be Friends.
Ford.
Well, here's my hand; all's forgiven at last.
Page.
Yet be cheerful, Knight; thou shalt eat a posset
to night at my house, where I will desire thee to
laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her,
Mr. Slender hath marry'd her daughter.
Mrs. Page.
Doctors doubt that; if Anne Page be my
daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius's wife.
[Aside.
Enter Slender.
Slen.
What hoe! hoe! father Page?
Page.
Son, how now? how now, son, have you dispatch'd?
Slen.
Dispatch'd? I'll make the best in Gloucestershire
know on't; would I were hang'd la, else.
Page.
Of what, son?
-- 307 --
Slen.
I came yonder at Eaton to marry mistress Anne
Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not
been i'th' church, I would have swing'd him, or he
should have swing'd me. If I did not think it had been
Anne Page, would I might never stir, and 'tis a postmaster's-boy.
Page.
Upon my life, then you took the wrong.
Slen.
What need you tell me that? I think so, when
I took a boy for a girl: if I had been marry'd to him,
for all he was in woman's apparel, I would not have
had him.
Page.
Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell
you, how you should know my daughter by her garments?
Slen.
I went to her in white and cry'd mum, and she
cry'd budget, as Anne and I had appointed, and yet it
was not Anne, but a post-master's boy.
Eva.
Jeshu! Master Slender, cannot you see but marry
boys?
Page.
O, I am vext at Heart. What shall I do?
Mrs. Page.
Good George, be not angry; I knew of
your purpose, turn'd my daughter into green, and,
indeed, she is now with the Doctor at the Deanery, and
there married.
Enter Caius.
Caius.
Ver is mistress Page? by gar, I am cozen'd;
I ha' marry'd one garsoon, a boy; one peasant, by gar.
A boy; it is not Anne Page; by gar, I am cozen'd.
Mrs. Page.
Why? did you not take her in green?
Caius.
Ay, be gar, and 'tis a boy; be gar, I'll raise
all Windsor.
Ford.
This is strange! who hath got the right Anne?
Page.
My heart misgives me; here comes Mr. Fenton.
Enter Fenton, and Anne Page.
How now, Mr. Fenton?
Anne.
Pardon, good father; good my mother, pardon.
-- 308 --
Page.
Now, mistress, how chance you went not with
Mr. Slender?
Mrs. Page.
Why went you not with Mr. Doctor,
maid?
Fent.
You do amaze her: Hear the truth of it.
You would have marry'd her most shamefully,
Where there was no proportion held in love:
The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,
Are now so sure, that nothing can dissolve us.
Th' offence is holy, that she hath committed;
And this deceit loses the name of craft,
Of disobedience, or unduteous title;
Since therein she doth evitate and shun
A thousand irreligious cursed hours,
Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.
Ford.
Stand not amaz'd, here is no remedy.
In love, the heav'ns themselves do guide the state;
Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.
Fal.
I am glad, tho' you have ta'en a special Stand
to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanc'd.
Page.
Well, what remedy? Fenton, heav'n give thee joy;
What cannot be eschew'd, must be embrac'd.
Eva.
I will also dance and eat plums at your Wedding.
Fal.
When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are
chac'd.
Mrs. Page.
Well, I will muse no further. Mr. Fenton,
Heav'n give you many, many merry days.
Good husband, let us every one go home,
And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire,
Sir John and all.
Ford.
Let it be so:—Sir John,
To master Brook you yet shall hold your word;
For he, to night, shall lye with mistress Ford.
[Exe. Omnes.
