And. of E.
So, here we is at last, in New York city,
Famous for preachers dull and coroners witty;
For muddy streets and politic contractors,
Freatres good, and very best of actors;
A Common Council, full of naughty tricks,
A mayor of Wood, and aldermen—

Dum. of E.
All Sticks.
By golly! I tink we'd better staid at home
In ole Virginny, dan such a place to come,
Among dese knowing white folks, and sharp shooters,
The timble rigs, de safe games, and garrotters,
All de oder swindlums that infest a town.
Dis nigger's skeared.

And of E.
Dry up, and simmer down.
Hello, har comes old Bally Salter, dat's got my money.
I'se going to bone him for it.

Dum. of E.
Mine, honey! Enter Bally Salter, L.
How is you, Mister Bally Salter? Eh!

Bally.
I'm purty well, I thank ye. What brings you this way?

And. of E.
Speculation. I want a job to pay;
I heard dere was a new post office wanted,
An' tinking my proposal might be granted,
I'be come to see if I can get de job.

Bally.
Are you, too, honest tax payers to rob?

And of E.
Honest? I is.

Bally.
Then you won't get the job, be sure.
No, the way is help the rich and da—

Dum. of E.
Ah!

Bally.
Well, bless the poor.

And. of E.
Talking of poor, I golly, puts me in mind
I'se rader short, just now. Leff all my cash behind.
You'se got some money b'longs to me, Old Top:
Its—leff me see.

Bally.
Arrah! let that subject dhrop.

And. of E.
I'm dam if I does. I tole you I want de-money.

Bally.
Well, if you want it badly, you must have it, honey.

And. of E.
Living in town puts on so much expense.

Bally.
How much do I owe you?

And. of E.
'Zackly fifty cents.

Bally.
Here it's for you. Look at that: a rowl of coppers (hands a cartridge of pennies)
Done up in paper, purtily an' proper.

And. of E.
T'anks, Bally Salter. Here, Dummy-O.
Take you dis cash, dis merchant did to me owe,
Go, put it in some bank, till I release it;
Dere, every year the int'rest will increase it,
Be very careful dat you doesn't lose it.

Dum. of E.
Lose it! By golly! I'd much rather use it
To buy slin ging, hot tods, clam soup, soft crabs etcetera,
Segars, pig's feet, hot cakes, and tings much bettera.

And. of E.
Begone and meet me in half an hour.
Mind, hurry up!

Dum. of E.
I'll run wid all my power,
To do your bidding. Where are we to meet?

And. of E.
At de hotel, in Cross, near Baxter street.
Begone!

Dum. of E.
I'll fly. True as dis ground I stand on,
Great Branch himself slew not so quick to Brandon. (exit Dum. R).

Bally.
That's a smart chap, that sarvint, I can tell ye.

And. of E.
He is an honest and a worthy fellow,

He's been with me since I was but a babby;
I've never found him doing an'thing shabby.

Bally.
Since you wor a babby. There's a recollection.

And. of E.
I'll tell a story to you; on reflection,
I find you're friendly, so ‘I will a tale unfold’
Whose lightest word would freeze thy young blood cold;
Plough, dig, and harrow up thy very soul,
And make each hair stick strait out on your poll,
Jess like de quill pens on de porkampine.

Bally.
Bedad! what is it?

And. of E.
This: once on a time, there was a man.

Bally.
There was! I wonder will there ever be again?

And. of E.
There was a woman, too; she was my moder,
The moder of twins, 'cause I had a broder.
Anoder woman, too, had twins,—

Bally.
They'd lots of childher.

And. of E.
Each pair so much alike it would bewilder
De debbil himseff, to tell one from de oder,
Or which was me, or which one was my broder.
One day, my fader, at policy being lucky,
Made up his mind to trabel from Kentucky,
On board a steamboat put his picaninnys,
His wife, his woman, furniture and ginnies,
Well, de ingine bust! de passengers was drown'd,
'Cept me, and dis yar noder picaninny.
We boff was found by a man in ole Virginny:
He brought us up, until de oder day,
Longing to trabel north, we run'd away;
De abolitionist at work we found,—
Dey put us frough, at two forty, underground.
Dis is my tale,—to you I've made it known.

Bally.
Your tale's so short, it can't be called full grown.
At any rate, I must be off; good-bye:
Take care of yourself. D'ye mind?

And. of E.
I'll try. (exit Bally R).
Now, what am I to do to get a living?
Shall I, like Thalberg, matinees be giving,
Or shall I come the fugitive slave game,
And gull de Norff wid tales of Southern shame?
Give lectures at the Tabernacle freely.
Led on de stand by Beecher, Stowe, an' Greely.
Den, when I'd set all sorts of stories rife,
Like Burns, Barnum, and Bennett publish my life;
Or get subscriptions first, like Stephen Branch,
And when I've had the dimes, ‘Vamose de ranche?’

But p'raps when I should tink myself on dry land,
I'd get pull'd down and sent to Blackwell's Island. Enter Dummy of Syracuse, R.
How now; what brings you back?

Dum. of S.
I've come to bring you home:
De dinner's cold a-waiting for you to come.
De goose is burnt, de clam soup gone to pot,
De pepaters spoiled, an' such a putty lot,
De eberyting is nosing.

And. of E.
Sir, stop your fun,
And tell me, what have you with my money done?

Dum. of S.
What money?

And. of E.
I gave it to you to-day. Do you forget so soon?

Dum. of S.
Oh, yes, I remember. Two cents to get de tribune.

And. of E.
Two cents! two devils! Dummy-O, don't jest,
If you have spent two cents, where's all de rest?

Dum. of S.
I didn't hab no more as I'm a sinner,
Look yar! I tink! you'd better trabel home to dinner—
Your old woman's mad; by golly, she's mos' crazy,
To tink you'd stop out dis way. You's rader lazy.

And. of E.
Old woman! who, which? What ole woman?

Dum. of S.
Would you deny your wife? I golly, you's no man.

And. of E.
Wife, wife! You black skunk, upon my life
I'll give you fits if you say I've a wife.

Dum. of S.
I say you have!

DUET. Air—Villikens and Dinah Dummy.
I tell you, you're married to a very nice gal.
Her name is Adry Anny, and you know her well;
She's got a long tongue, as you'll find when she'll scold
You for staying out late, till the dinner is cold.
    Ri too ral, etc. Andy.
As Adam was sleeping in the garden one day,
He woke up and found his rib stolen away,
And a wife stood beside him. He took her to keep;

So I must, like him have been married in my sleep.
    Ri too, ral, etc. Air—Pop goes the weasel Dum. of S.
Are you coming home to dine,
  I can't go without you,
Missee'l break dis head of mine;
  She's fretting now about you. And. of E.
Dummy-O, you're crazy, quite,
  To make me whip and rout you;
If you don't do the thing wot's right,
  I'll lay this cane about you. Both.
Oh, what a plague a darkey is,
  When he's cross or teazin';
Wiz a wiz, wiz a wiz,
  Pop, goes the weazel. (Andy beats Dummy-O off L) SCENE 2. —Room belonging to Andy of Syracuse. Adry Anny and Lucy Anny discovered.—Table set for dinner

Adry.

Dar, by golly! 'taint no use in talkin'; dar's beaufulum pertaters and eberyting spiled, and my Andy not coming home to dinner. I spose he's off wid some oder wench.

Lucy.

Mebbe he's delayed wid business. You don't know, dese men am so varous in deir pussoots. He might be doin' some whitewashin' job, or sumsin'.

Adry.

Well, is your massa coming?

Dum. of S.
No; I'm dam if he is.

Adry.
Say, did you find him?

Dum. of S.
Yes; he's got his dander riz;
I tole him come to dinner. He said, ‘No.’
I said I'd wait for him; den he tole me go;
Says I; ‘My missee wants you home,’ ‘Get out,’ says he;
‘I neber was married, and don't intend to be.’

Adry.
De brute, de catamount,; oh, de assassinator.
How can I fix him off?

Dum. of S. (taking a potato).
Choke him wid a tater.

Lucy.
Didn't you tell him dat his dinner's ready!

Dum. of S.
I did; he wouldn't come.

Adry.
Dummy-O! does he walk steady?

Dum. of S.
Steady! what does you mean?

Adry.
Has he been drinking?

Dum. of S. Drinking.
No! nary drop. He's crazy, to my thinking;
He tole me dat he guv me a lot of money,
To put in bank. I golly, he talk'd so funny,
He made me laugh. Den, when I laugh'd he beat me,
I don't know why it am he'd so ill-treat me,

Lucy.
Dummy-O, you're drunk or else you're toling lies;
You didn't meet wid Andy. Let me see your eyes. (looks at him).
You're gone to the gin bottle; you've been makin' love.

Adry. (tragically).
Go fetch my Andy. By de stars above—
By all de little fishes in de sea,
If you don't bring my Andy back to me
I'll strangle you. Ha! ha! I'm in a rage.
Matilda Heron, Rachael, take me off de stage.

Lucy.
Go, Dummy-O. Make yourself scarce.

Dum. of S.
I'm gone. (exit Dum. of S. L).

Adry.
Lucy, that fellow's false. I know he's shamming.

Lucy.
Then, ‘go in, lemons,’ give him a good lamming,
Or, like the Randall's Island school teachers,
Put his tongue on the stove, and hold it till he screeches.

Adry. (suddenly).
Lucy, have you ever seen Mrs McMahon play Lady Macbeth?
How, she rages, tears, swears, flares, raves, goes it to the death.
That's how I feel now. I'm all on fire,
My dander's rising. Soon I can go no higher;
My rage is so great that out I cannot bring it. (to musician).
Will you accompany me? (he nods).
All right; I'll sing it.

SONG.—Adry. I Dreamt I Dwelt.
I dreamt that I dwelt in Tammany Hall,
  Wid sachems, and such by my side;
I thought that the place was prepared for a ball.
  And I had to let it all slide;
I had riches too great to—
      Hey, diddle, diddle,
      The cat's in the fiddle,
    The cow jumped over the moon;
      The little dog laughed

      To see the sport,
    The dish ran away with the spoon.
My father he was such a fine big man,
  He beat a big drum with a rataplan,
But he and Horace Greely could never agree.
  For the white coated editor he made love to me;
But he had to steer,
  For the fun was too dear,
So he had to trabel off on de bold privateer.

Lucy.

See! there goes Andy, and Dummy with him; they're passing by us. What de debbil does dey mean?

Adry.

I'll fetch 'em in, I'll bet a cookey (runs out).