Thers.

Shall the Idiot Ajax use me thus! he beats me and I rail at him: O worthy satisfaction! wou'd cou'd beat him, and he rail'd at me! Then there's Achilles, a rare Engineer: if Troy be not taken till these two undermine it, the walls will stand till they fall of themselves: Now the Plague on the whole Camp, or rather the Pox: for that's a curse dependent on those that fight as we do for a Cuckolds queen.— What ho, my Lord Achilles.

Patroc.

Who's there, Thersites! Good Thersites come in and rail.

Thers. aside.

If I cou'd have remembred an Asse with gilt trappings, thou hadst not slip'd out of my contemplation. But 'tis no matter; thy self upon thy self: the common curse of mankind, folly and ignorance be thine in great abundance: Heavens blesse thee from a Tutor; and discipline come not near thee.

Enter Achilles.

Who's there Thersites! why my digestion, why hast thou not serv'd thy self to my table, so many meals! come begin what's Agamemnon?

Thers.

Thy Commander, Achilles: then tell me Pauroclus, what's Achilles?

Patro.

Thy Benefactor Thersites; then tell me prithee what's thy self?

Thers.

Thy knower, Patroclus; then tell me, Patroclus, what art thou?

Patroc.

Thou mayst tell that know'st.

Achill.

O, tell, tell. This must be very foolish: and I dye to have my spleen tickled.

Thers.

I'le decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands Achilles, Achilles is my Benefactor, I am Patroclus knower; and Patroclus is a fool.

Patroc.

You Rascal?

Achill.

He's a priviledg'd man, proceed Thersites. Ha! ha! ha! prithee proceed while I am in the vein of laughing.

Thersit.

And all these foresaid men are fools: Agamemnon's a fool to offer to command Achilles: Achilles is a fool to be commanded by him, I am a fool to serve such a fool, and Patroclus is a fool positive.

Patroc.

Why am I a fool?

Thersi.

Make that demand to Heaven, it suffices me thou art one.

Achill.

Ha, ha, ha! O give me ribs of steel, or I shall split with pleasure: now play me Nestor at a Night alarm: Mimick him rarely, make him cough and spet, and fumble with his gorget, and shake the rivits with his palsey hand; in and out, in and out, gad that's exceeding foolish.

Patroc.

Nestor shall not scape so, he has told us what we are; come what's Nestor?

Thersi.

Why he's an old wooden top, set up by father Time three hundred years ago, that hums to Agamemnon and Ulysses, and sleeps to all the world besides.

Achill.

So let him sleep for I'le no more of him: O my Patroclus, I but force a smile, Ajax has drawn the lot, and all the praise of Hector must be his.

Thersi.

I hope to see his praise upon his shoulders, in blows and bruises, his arms, thighs, and body, all full of fame; such fame as he gave me, and a wide hole at last full in his bosome, to let in day upon him, and discover the inside of a fool.

Patroc.

How he struts in expectation of honour! he knows not what he does.

Thersi.

Nay that's no wonder, for he never did.

Achill.

Prithee say how he behaves himself?

Thersi.

O you would be learning to practice, against such another

time.—Why he tosses up his head as he had built Castles ith' ayr; and he treads upward to 'em, stalks into th' Element, he surveys himself, as 'twere to look for Ajax: he wou'd be cry'd, for he has lost himself, nay he knows no body; I said good morrow Ajax, and he replyed thanks Agamemnon.

Achill.

Thou shalt be my Ambassador to him Thersites.

Thersi.

No, I'le put on his person, let Patroclus make his demands to me, and you shall see the pageant of Ajax.

Achill.

To him Patroclus, tell him I humbly desire the valiant Ajax to invite the Noble Hector to my Tent: and to procure safe conduct for him from our Captain General Agamemnon.

Patroc.

Jove bless the mighty Ajax!

Thersi.

Humh!

Patroc.

I come from the great Achilles.

Thersi.

Ha!

Patroc.

Who most humbly desires you to invite Hector to his Tent.

Thersi.

Humh!

Patroc.

And to procure him safe conduct from Agamemnon.

Thersi.

Agamemnon?

Patroc.

I, my Lord.

Thersi.

Ha!

Patro.

What say you to't?

Thersi.

Farewell with all my heart.

Patroc.

Your answer Sir!

Thersi.

If to morrow be a fair day, by eleven a clock it will go one way or tother, however he shall buy me dearly, fare you well with all my heart.

Achill.

Why but he is not in this tune is he?

Thersi.

No, but he's thus out of tune, what Musick will be in him when Hector has knocked out his brains I know not, nor I care not, but if emptiness makes noise, his head will make melody.

Achill.
My minde is troubled like a Fountain stir'd:
And I my self see not the bottom on't.

Thersi.

Wou'd the Fountain of his minde were clear; that he might see an Ass in't. [Aside.] I had rather be a tick in a sheep, than such a valiant ignorance.

Patroc.

Look who comes here.

Achill.

Patroclus, I'le speak with no body, come in after me Thersites.

Agam.

Where's Achilles!

Patro.

Within, but ill dispos'd my Lord.

Menel.

We saw him at the opening of his Tent.

Agam.

Let it be known to him that we are here.

Patroc.

I shall say so to him.

Diom.

I know he is not sick.

Ajax.

Yes, Lyon sick, sick of a proud heart, you may call it melancholy if yo'll humour him: but on my honour 'tis no more than pride: and why shou'd he be proud?

Menel.

Here comes Patroclus; but no Achilles with him.

Patroc.
Achilles bids me tell you he is sorry
If any thing more than your sport and pleasure
Did move you to this visit: he's not well,
And begs you wou'd excuse him, as unfit
For present business.

Agam.
How! how's this Patroclus?
We are too well acquainted with these answers.
Though he has much desert, yet all his vertues
Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss.
We came to speak with him; you shall not erre
If you return we think him over-proud
And under-honest. Tell him this; and adde,
That if he over-hold his price so much
We'll none of him: but let him like an Engine
Not portable, lye lagg of all the Camp.
A stirring Dwarf is of more use to us
Then is a sleeping Gyant: tell him so.

Patroc.
I shall; and bring his answer presently.

Agam.
I'le not be satisfi'd but by himself.
So tell him, Menelaus. Exeunt Menelaus. Patroclus.

Ajax.
What's he more than another?

Agam.
No more than what he thinks himself.

Ajax.

Is he so much! do you not think he thinks himself a better Man than me?

Diom.

No doubt he does.

Ajax.

Do you think so?

Agam.

No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant; but much more courteous.

Ajax.

Why shou'd a man be proud? I know not what pride is: I hate a proud man as I hate the ingendring of toads.

Diom. Aside
'Tis strange he should; and love himself so well. Re-enter Menel.

Men.
Achilles will not to the field to morrow.

Agam.
What's his excuse?

Men.
Why he relies on none
But his own will; possest he is with vanity:
What shou'd I say, he is so plaguy proud
That the death tokens of it are upon him;
And bode there's no recovery.

Enter Ulysses, Nestor.

Agam.
Let Ajax go to him.

Ulyss.
O Agamemnon, let it not be so.
We'll consecrate the steps that Ajax makes
When they go from Achilles: shall that proud man
Be worship'd by a greater than himself,
One whom we hold our Idoll;
Shall Ajax go to him? No, Jove forbid,
And say in thunder, go to him Achilles.

Nest. [Aside.]
O, this is well; he rubbs him where it itches.

Ajax.
If I go to him with my Gantlet clench'd,
I'le dash him or'e the face.

Agam.
O no, you shall not go.

Ajax.
And 'he be proud with me I'le cure his pride: a paltry
Insolent fellow!

Nest.
How he describes himself?

Uliss. Aside.

The crow chides blackness.—here is a man, but 'tis before his face, and therefore I am silent.

Nest.

Wherefore are you? He is not envious as Achilles is.

Ulyss.

Know all the world he is as valiant.

Ajax.

A whorson dogg that shall palter thus with us! wou'd a were a Trojan.

Ulyss.
Thank Heav'n my Lord, you're of a gentle nature,
Praise him that got you, her that brought you forth;
But he who taught you first the use of Armes,
Let Mars divide Eternity in two,
And give him half. I will not praise your wisedome.
Nestor shall do't; but pardon father Nestor,
Were you as green as Ajax, and your brain
Temper'd like his, you never shou'd excell him;
But be as Ajax is.

Ajax.
Shall I call you father?

Ulyss.
I, my good Son.

Diom.
Be rul'd by him Lord Ajax.

Ulyss.
There is no staying here; the Hart Achilles
Keeps thicket, please it our great General.
I shall impart a counsell, which observ'd
May cure this Madmans pride.

Agam.
In my own tent our talk will be more private.

Ulyss.
But nothing without Ajax:
He is the soul and substance of my councels
And I am but his shadow.

Ajax.
You shall see
I am not like Achilles,
Let us confer; and I'le give counsel too. [Exeunt Omnes.

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